#i have multiple emotions
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happy birthday lucaluca!!!!!
#identity v#luca balsa#第äŗäŗŗę ¼#idv prisoner#yes his letter obliterated me#i have multiple emotions#and luca is so cute as always
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News spreads fast.
[First]Ā PrevĀ <ā-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#jin guangyao#wei wuxian#jiang cheng#I absolutely love the contrast between JGY and JGS in this scene.#While JGS is acting as an instagator and trying to fan the flames of discontent (pulling his devious (g) strings)#JGY tries to keep a fairly neutral stance. If anything he reads like someone who's attempting to chair an unruly group project.#Honestly I think this scene does so much to show us why JGY manages to become the respectable leader he does in the future.#He's actully good at leading discussions and doesn't rise to bait. He's trying to start a productive discussion with *real facts*.#There is genuine honour in his approach and he never jumps into the emotional bandwagon.#The issue at the moment is that he doesn't have same level of authority as the contrastively *worst* sect leader does.#Jin Guangshan has a very specific agenda - to gain power by throwing anyone he deems expendable into the gutter.#The story even explicitly calls him out on not being so different from Wen Rohan multiple times.#The insidious part is that he's surrounded by people who think this is all justified.#It's all about using the 'victim' narrative to leverage justification. Which I'll get into more in upcoming comics.#(cut off text in panel one is supposed to be 'dead girls walking' but I ran out of room to make that clear. whoops!)
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cat nap :3
jjk atla!au with @philosophiums
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#itadori yuuji#kugisaki nobara#fushiguro megumi#fanart#jjk fanart#jjk atla!au#atla!au: art#atla!au: illust#yuuji#megumi#nobara#KARUCCHI AGENDA HOURS PSPSPSPSPPSS#i made him. Bigger . its what he deserves its what yuuji deserves its what they all deserve#and most importantly its what i deserve . i think a giant cat with wings would fix me#originally had him even Bigger than this but then i remembered we'd already established his carrying capacity#that being 1 passenger comfortably and 2 with some difficulty#now that i retconned him 2 be the size of a small vehicle i think he can carry 2 comfortably but 3 is still a stretch . hed get tired :(#probably cant get airborne with 3 passengers on his back#especially because yuuji is carrying several pounds of rocks#and nobara has multiple chunks of metal on her at all times#and megumi has enough emotional baggage to ground an aircraft#karucchi can only do so much FHFJH the poor baby doesnt even have hollow bones#but hes SO CUTE HES SO GD CUTE I WANT HIM IW ANT ONE SO BAD i want . giant flying CAT#CAN U IMAGINEEEEEE#PSPPSPSPPSPPPSPSP
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Instead of writing a fanfic like a normal person this oneshot turned into two separate, contextless things,

#sorry itās how my brain works (sometimes can only see things in terms of tv scene-)#tumblr exclusive video fancyā¦#dcmk#my art#(quietly coughing and spluttering) OK alright I can feel the creative brain explosion slowing down. geez#coughs.#nyways. weird that there hasnāt really been a main case where poison is involved in a certain way#If I watch my own scribbled boards for too long im gonna get too embarrassed to post. Send post#Subarus hair is still infuriating by the way like take that off your normal hair is easier. The beanie is easier#you like Have to have the side corners on this haircut or it doesnāt look right#anyways. shiho ptsd moments I think she kind of gets irritated that shinichi doesnāt react the same so when he does she gets like#weirded out and vindicated and a little protective. Like woah wait. Love that you understand me rn donāt like that you feel bad I am goingā¦#toā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦. ssssssssssit here about itā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦.. uhhhh. do you want. a rubix cube to get your mind off it#I donāt want to talk about my feelings I just want you to get it. you donāt wanna talk about your feelings either which isā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦. Hmmmmmm#I like her. love of my life miyano shiho#masumi sera#conan edogawa#ai haibara#akai shuichi#let conan swear. HE SWEARS A LOT BUT LET HIM SWEAR IN ENGLISH I KNOW HE KNOWS THEM#man needs his emotional support akai family they like him#rigorous trials to being approved by the akai matriarch but everyone else likes him already and have already picked him up multiple times#and shuichi would let him swear
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completely and entirely forgot that Vetinari and Carrot get together to gleefully "reward" Samuel Vimes and also ruin his blood pressure forever.
#also vetinari emotes a lot more than I remember. I think over time my brain slotted him into that vague category#a lot of villains (or at least...characters wearing black) get slotted into; the chilly removed chessmaster#who only shows emotion when there's a reason to.#when actually he was wildly frustrated in reaper man; he smiles in men at arms (multiple times!)#also I love the line ''The Patrician looked at Carrot. He seemed to be shuffling futures in his head.''#(also uh. um. no one is going to like this but I could see carrot/vetinari. I just think it would be neat.#AND then you could have some fun parallels with vimes and angua given that they're both dogs on a leash. so to speak.#anyway the charismatic king-that-wasn't and the dictator determined to usurp the gods is worth thinking about some more.)#discworld
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Tuvok is not as autistic coded in-narrative compared to what I've seen of Spock or T'Pol where they're othered heavily by those around them and have themes and arcs about struggling/striving to fit in BUT I do think he provides the vital autistic representation of not really angsting about your differences from other people because you're too busy and unaware and then even when you ARE made aware you mostly just think 'glad that's not me'. I think it's vital to have that sort of totally unbothered rep. I love that Tuvok is completely satisfied and proud of being Vulcan, doesn't long to experience emotion or struggle with a desire to express himself in a way his crewmates will understand, to be closer to them. I love that he has a long time and close friend that respects who he is and doesn't try to change him and that how close they are isn't framed as being in spite of his Vulcan nature. I love that being Vulcan isn't framed as a hindrance to him, like a roadblock to living a full and rich life. He has a wife and four kids and is a devoted husband and father. He's getting into gay horror scenarios. Tuvok was born on autism planet and he's thriving.
#there were apparently multiple friend group dramas in high school that I didn't pick up on at ALL#I'm drawn to how at ease Tuvok is with himself and I personally like that Humanity isn't appealing to him#It was at one point when he was a young but not anymore#I personally (it truly is personal) don't like when Vulcans' way of life is framed as being incorrect. I see it a lot in fanfic where part#of showing romance or friendship is that a Vulcan will emote more or 'loosen up' but I don't like it...I think it's a bit boring and that#them being alien with a completely alien form of emotional control/expression is what makes a Vulcan interesting. Otherwise#they seem like nothing more than overly repressed Humans. I do get the appeal of a repressed character being freer but I don't like#the implication that an entire culture is restrictive and bad bc it isn't easily understandable as 'good' in our view. So um...it's like??#I don't like when it's like 'this Vulcan is acting more like what I a Human think is good - they're acting more like me so it's healthier'#does that make sense?? I want it to be...less about bringing someone over to your side and more about love and understanding even if you#aren't the same. It doesn't have to be the same to be lovely I think...and I like how Tuvok and Janeway are so exemplary of their species'#values and that DOESN'T mean they butt heads. They work exceptionally well together and trust each other and care about one another a lot#and I like that a lot! I wish we got to see more of that. WHAT a RANT!!! Sorry!!!#Tuvok#autistic tuvok#star trek voyager#voy#I like Tuvok because I personally can't relate as much to characters like Data who wish to be Human and as a kid I thought of myself as#an alien taking Human form - I didn't want to be Human. I was just there amongst them. I liked that difference...#it made me feel a little lonely and a little special.
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ok but āitās always been youā is such a good trope and not in a āweāre limited to one soulmate and have to follow these restrictive ideals of believing thereās only one person made for usā way but in a āI know I could move on and find love elsewhere but I donāt want to because there is no one like you and I will deal with the grief and heartache that comes from giving my whole and complete self to someone that may or may not do the sameā way
#rambling#has it been obvious I skipped multiple chapters and have been toying with the emotional climaxes of these routes :(
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RHAENYS TARGARYEN: And I must stand alone.
#i had to cull examples (like pushing corlys away or standing up to daemon or her death) but yeah... me doing a random gif set about one line#and one aspect of her character that's shown multiple ways#her ābeing aloneā is being alone in an experience or a choice or an emotion#it can be physical isolation by choice or by events or someone leaving her#but it can also be something indicative of her strength and power - as being the one person between two things: a protector or a defender#it can be her in a position of power alone or being unique in some way#the power and the tragedy of there being no one like her#the empowerment and the heartbreak of having no one and needing no one#rhaenys targaryen#house of the dragon#eve best#my gifs#hotdedit
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MAMA 2024 ALBUM DAESANG - FML
#seventeen#art#my KIDS. my hearts. š«¶š«¶š«¶š«¶š«¶š«¶#i lost track of how many of them i drew multiple times so i had to do tally marks on a sketch layer#8 years after their first mama award seventeen is the DARLING of the industry this is all ive ever wanted for them#idols of idols#had a long talk w my friend abt the direction of kpop and not many groups still feel like classic idols they just feel like a group of ppl#svt has never let me down on that front bringing emotions n connecting is so sososo integral to their mission#and its through music but its also through ground level activities n styaing in touch w their core fans n eo#amidst the globalization of kpop SEVENTEEN STANDS STRONG AS IDOLS#ok sorry for tag rant#u have to endure it if u want to see my art
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Hot take, anyone who thinks Dick Grayson has a persistent case of anger issues just doesn't know what anger issues are.
Does he get angry? Yes (I sure would hope so since he's a human being). Would I call it anger issues? No, not really.
#if you disagree please show me your evidence#because I keep seeing examples of 'anger issues' from Dick that are literally a common emotional response to a very damaging event#or straight up mental control#'anger issues' is not even a medical term#is just an underlying symptom to many different disorders#do we really think someone who has trouble managing their anger could ever become a trusted leader to multiple teams?#someone who people know they can rely on?#everyone has moments in which they find harder controlling their emotions because they're going through immense stress or anxiety#but that doesn't define you nor does it always mean it's part of a disorder#and I'm not saying dick grayson doesn't have any issues#nobody could lead his life and be completely mentally stable#but out of all the things I would think he has#an anger management disorder wouldn't be my first guess#dick grayson#nightwing#robin#dc comics#dc#dick grayson ��anger issuesā
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so sad. so cold
#there was this lone screenshot in my gallery#i don't know where it came from#WHERE IS YOUR SOURCE#WHAT DID PAST ME WANT FROM FUTURE ME???#this picture jus...t... sitting between my multiple nuca screenshots and various other screenies#WHAT DO YOU MEAN#i guess you wanted a drawover#what else could you have intended.. .#yaku being the coldest shakiest greyhound. or borzoi#just a really long boye with big pathetic eyes#give him a baby pumpkin (garu stuffed toy) and he WILL develop emotional codependence#i want an eiden trash bag dispenser#like. those lil capsules you attach to the leash. i grab the tiny trash bags directly from his happy open mouth#he is SO useful!!!!!! and he looks happy to help#nu carnival yakumo#yakugaru#?
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Little dump of Cherry x Mojo doodles, including a redraw of a PATB screenshot I saw on Twitter ā¤ļøšā¤ļøšā¤ļøš Would the ship name be Cherrojo? Mojerry? Fuck it, here they are uwu ššš
[ š§” Reblogs are all seen and so appreciated, I screenshot every sweet tag I get š„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ Click for higher quality! Tag list will be under the cut! š§”]
Tag List!! Click here to be added or removed! ā¤ļø
@absentmoon , @avas-wonderland , @bee-ships , @beetleboyfriend , @berryshipbasket , @bugthecalmchild , @canongf , @cloudyvoid , @derelictdumbass , @dissonantyote , @edencantstopfallininlove , @final-catboy , @flabbergasting , @flowering-darkness , @gibles-lovely-selfships , @hoppinkiss , @hyperionshipping , @impulse-exe , @iwishihadfangs , @iyamifucker , @kissingarthurclaus , @lex-n-weegie , @lficanthaveloveiwantpower , @little-miss-selfships , @little-shiny-sharpies , @loogi-selfships , @mandrakebrew , @midoridayz , @mintpecks , @mothfinite , @mrs-kelly , @nameless-self-ships , @nerdstreak , @odysseyyaoi , @oleanderspride , @orbitingaroundyourlove , @paper-carnation , @reds-self-ships , @rotten--cotton , @spacestationstorybook , @squips-ship , @theheroand , @toogayforthistoday , @winterworlds , @yuzuibanagi
#my art#š: loving you's a felony#šš§¬: emotional processing lag#self shipping#self ship community#oc x canon#self insert#mojo jojo#i had some new ppl to put on my tag list! thanks for signing up and wanting to see my art my friends š„ŗšš„ŗšš„ŗšš„ŗš#i have never been able to post multiple doodles at once it is insane what this ship is doing to my art productivity š„ŗš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ#IM SO HAPPY I'VE NEVER MADE THIS MUCH ART THIS CONSISTENTLY BEFORE#and these are some of my favorite ive done i need to just draw more goofy shit with these idiots ššššššššš#im lowkey excited to see what you guys think of these wa-hee šššššššššš
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On the Kremnoan language, its reflection of Kremnoan culture, and the way Mydei expresses himself with the language of action, not words
I know itās a running gag that the Kremnoan language lacks a lot of words for some of the more emotional, āheartfeltā or āvulnerableā things such as āromanceā or āfearā or āweaknessā or āchickening outā (I forgot how many words theyāve mentioned, or if I actually quoted the right words) etc. + Taking into consideration all the jokes between Phainon and Mydei on the words that arenāt in the Kremoan language/dictionary.
But if you think about it, even in real life, language reflects a culture; it is deeply intertwined with society, impacted by its own culture and values, and in turn, influences society again, like a cyclical influence. Perhaps to the Kremoans, the most important language (a form of expression) is not through words but through actions.
Why do they need a word to express their love, their fear, their anger, their hatred, their pain, their sorrows - when they can show it through action or through battle? Of course, considering how their main values are strife, strength and dominion, it is inevitable that action/battle takes precedence before all else. But think about it: Fight for glory, for love of their nation, for protection, for pride, for honour, for fear; Sacrifice for something greater than themselves, for family, for friends, for the future.
Just like how Gorgo sacrificed herself for her son, how Mydeiās parents understood each other through battle, how Mydei himself shows his care and love for his people through his choices and actions -
Although Mydei is a man of few words, anybody can tell that he has one of the warmest, gentle and kindest nature. He doesnāt need words to show people that he cares for them, he doesnāt need words to express his fears, he doesnāt need words to convey his anger and values. Anybody can tell who he is just by looking at the choices and actions he has made. In my opinion, he is one of the most authentic and genuine person weāve seen so far. Many characters weāve seen so far have their own secrets, masks, agendas - but with Mydei? He may speak less than the others, he may not easily say words that are āemotionalā or āweakā, and he may seem harsh on the outside, but you can definitely feel his warmth, concern, and care without his words.
There may be no words for expressing certain emotions or vulnerabilities in the Kremoan language, but thatās likely because the Kremnoans are people who speak the language of action. Thatās also what makes Mydei himself + his relationship with all the other Chrysos Heirs, his people and companions so compelling. You can read into his relationship and feelings for others well beyond his words, and you can read into his true values and principles. You can see what he fights for, what heās scared of, when heās willing to seek help and guidance, when he respects others - with Mydei, you donāt need words to know he trusts you.
For Mydei, he has shown his love for the people and Amphoreus by fighting the black tide, protecting the citizens, giving advice to others, supporting the children, cooking his food, supporting his companions, trusting his friends -
To Mydei, words arenāt required to express himself, and perhaps, words arenāt enough to express just how much he cares.
Yes, the Kremnoan culture has its distinct flaws, and its people have done some horrendous things in the past all for strife, honour and strength. But I think Mydei represents the virtues of his culture, when things arenāt taken too far - when you fight to protect instead of for ādominionā, āstrifeā, and so called āhonourā, when you train hard to become strong so that you can support others, when you learn to face your fears, all so you can help others; when you learn to persevere, to be resilient, to fight for your life, because that will help you survive and live the life you wish to live with your companions.
#I bet that when Mydei does speak his truth#It hits even harder#Imagine him stating his emotions in words omg I think everyone would pause for a second#Anyways#Just some ramblings about Kremnoan language and culture because itās just so interesting#and it made me think about language and culture in real life#I studied it a little at one point in high school#about language#and how itās intertwined and shaped by culture and society#And how it influences the way we think#and how people who speak multiple languages may act differently when they speak different languages#Mydei#Mydeimos#HSR#Honkai Star Rail#WinterLEThoughts#Sighs I really want to pull for him but my Stellar JADES#Look Iāve been grinding but I have a busy life too I can only GRIND SO MUCH#Can I wake up to a million jades#WinterLE_HSR
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I like timebomb like the next fucker around. And I giggle with the "jynx tagged Ekko! He's all spray painted!!"

But. I haven't seen anyone talking about that it's not just Ekko. Everyone is painted. It's Zuan uniform. It's Zuan organization to go to war. It's Zuan going to help Piltover, but not wearing their uniform. Wearing It's own. It's Jinx and Ekko railing the revolution, it's the revolution not painting their hair blue and wearing Jinx clothes on a straight up imitation, but respecting her view and call to action to unite her force. It's the people who refused to fight by the banner of Piltover but was still willing to fight for Zuan, and by the side of them, just not to be assimilated. It's Ekko being a soldier. It's Zuan joining together under a uniform that it's proper for them.
#arcane#arcane spoilers#jinx#jinx arcane#zuan#i think a lot about it#and how Jinx is a leader actually#shes not acting as one but she IS one#she dont want to act as one but#when people sees Vi and think shes the second coming of Vander#they forget that Jinx is his daugther too. and Silco's#jinx is not stupid. she learnt from them#she may not want to lead#but she was nutured on aplace -multiple places- where she learn to lead#and i dare to say#shes better suited for it than Vi#Vi is suited to fight to follow to be the champion#while jinx is suited to lead to know to imagine a different way and create it#only arcane talking tho idk in the rest of lol lore she seems different#anyway this is my hidden essay about how Vi is actually to attached to her emotions and her choices are about immediate and loved ones clos#while Jinx is a thinker and a planner and want it or not she have more of vander and silco than anyone else
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The Winged Servant - 14
content warnings: unhealthy ideas about food (I'll put a more detailed warning about this in the comments but I don't want to spoil stuff here), brief discussion of religion, mention of death, begging
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āHere you go, bud.ā
I stared at the plate in front of me. It was ceramic. Less detailed than what weād had at the house, but breakable all the same. I would have to be careful, then, but I knew how to do that. The crepe itself was a different story.
āThank you, sir,ā I said anyway, beginning to scissor a piece off with my fork. Crepes were meant to be eaten with hands, I remembered, but that wasnāt how a servant was supposed to act. Not in front of other people. Really, servants werenāt supposed to eat at all in front of other people if it could be helped, but exceptions could be made when food was handed right to me.
Dubhe sat down on my left, a bowl of fruit in front of him. There was mango in it. There was mango in my crepe, too, if Dubhe had really put everything heād said he would. Prince Ryan didnāt let me eat mangos when he could help it. They made my cheeks red, my lips puffy, and my throat itch, but they werenāt so bad that I could refuse them. Not by a long shot. Iād have to eat egregious amounts before I was in any real danger, so I took a small bite of the crepe.
That was- shit, that was good. It wasnāt the strawberry jam that I was used to, but the combination of flavors more than made up for it. The mangoes that I was not supposed to eat practically melted on my tongue. Or maybe it just felt that way because of the gnawing feeling in my stomach, because of the tiny portion of dinner Iād received the night before.
āIām assuming you donāt know much about who I am,ā Dubhe said from his spot next to me, reminding me that he was there. I dragged my fork back and forth as I swallowed.
āHis Highness Prince Ryan talked about you last night. When we were on our way to your room.ā
āYeah? What did he tell you, if you donāt mind me asking?ā
I shrugged. āHe said that he is more fit to run a country than you, sir. He is more fit to run a country than most people.ā
āBecause of his qualifications?ā
āBecause the Rao family has held the crown for sixteen generations. Sir. That is all the qualification they need.ā
āI donāt think-ā He hesitated. āOkay. Letās take this in a new direction, actually. Whatās the point of having royalty?ā
The point? What was the fucking point? Did it matter? I was a servant. I wasnāt supposed to understand things like this. The point of having a ruler was for them to rule. And thatās what the Rao family did, which meant that they could not have been unfit for it.
āUm,ā I said slowly. āThe point of having royalty is to make things easier for people who arenāt royalty, right, sir? Like⦠they make decisions about important things that other people donāt understand. They protect their subjects.ā
āYes,ā he agreed, and I sighed in relief, cutting another bite of my crepe off with the dull edge of my fork. It would take longer this way than with a knife or my teeth. It would give him a longer time to have this conversation in an environment where eye contact was not expected. I wondered if heād noticed me staring at the tablecloth while heād asked me questions with Blue. I would have to be less obvious next time.
āYes,ā he repeated, āthey are supposed to make things easier. And if every citizen gets together and decides that the royalty is making things harder, why shouldnāt they pick new royalty?ā
āBecause that would make them traitors, sir.ā That was an easier question. I knew the answer just fine for that. I took another bite of my crepe.
āNot if they succeed. If they manage to overthrow the previous royals, and put new ones in and adjust the laws, itās no longer treason.ā
āTreason is illegal whether or not youāre punished for it, sir,ā I said, covering my mouth while I chewed. It had been a long time since I had eaten in front of anyone except Jayden, but I couldnāt let my manners slip now. āEven if youāre the only one who knows about it, you arenāt supposed to think treasonous things.ā
āHm.ā I did not turn my head to look at him, but I could feel his eyes on me. These were different questions than heād asked with Blue. Those had been about me. These were⦠philosophical, maybe, or a test of some kind. āI am the current king of Sathenn. DId you know that?ā
I stared at the table. I was supposed to behave. Prince Ryan had told me to behave. But Dubhe was wrong.
āDo you have an objection to that?ā he asked.
I stared intently at the crepe. ā... No, sir.ā
āRight. Youāre supposed to listen to people. I keep forgetting, sorry. If a⦠a well-meaning subject who was loyal to the crown had an objection⦠what would that objection sound like?ā
āUm. Well. Sir. The royal family has the divine right to their power.ā
āDivine right?ā he repeated, and he almost sounded like he was holding in a laugh.
āItās, um, a theory from hundreds of years ago, sir. Monarchies are passed through families because their bloodlines are superior.ā
āIām familiar with the concept. The most recently Iād heard, the Raos arenāt religious, though, so Iām surprised that they taught it to you. The word divine in that phrase implies that their right to rule was given to them by some sort of god.ā
I frowned. I supposed that technically, Dubhe was right. I hadnāt thought about that beforeāor rather, I hadnāt been told. I wasnāt supposed to think through it the way he was doing, I was just supposed to listen to what I was told.
āItās not about a god, sir,ā I said eventually. āDivinity is not just from religion. The first Rao royal brought back the stars. They are the reason any of the kingdoms are able to exist at all.ā
āBrought back the stars, yes, because they were one of the most brilliant scientists weāve ever seen. But there are plenty of brilliant scientists we havenāt seen.ā He took another bite of his fruit, giving me a few moments to wonder what the hell he meant before he continued.
āI used to know a person who was accepted to college at the age of fourteen, but xe died before xe could graduate because Lucia had xem killed. Xe could have been brilliant, too, if xeād been given a chance to become that. Instead of giving xem that chance, Lucia nipped it in the bud. The first Rao may have brought back the stars, but fast forward a couple centuries, and Lucia was pulling shit like making it illegal for angels to fly at playgrounds without something attaching them to the ground. When the royalty does not serve the subjects, I donāt think thereās anything wrong with starting over.ā
I swallowed another bite. My tongue was starting to feel awkward in my mouth. That was fine. It would swell a bit and probably get itchy, but it would not put me in actual danger, so it was fine. It wasnāt lethal. It didnāt even affect my breathing. It was fine.
I did not see the issue with what Dubhe had clearly listed as a failing of the queen. She knew better than I did what was safe at a playground. She knew better than any subjects what was safe at a playground. That was the problem with subjects deciding that their country was in need of new royalty. If the Raos truly had been unfit to rule, that was up to the Raos to decide. Not the subjects.
āItās not technically illegal to be loyal to them,ā Dubhe said when I didnāt respond. āLegally, you are free to have that opinion, as long as you don't try harassing people who donāt or something. But itās ignorant at best to pretend that they did not hurt people while they ruled.ā
āTheir job isnāt to help people or hurt people, sir. Itās to rule, and to make decisions that no one else does. Thatās what they did.ā
āI guess.ā He shrugged, taking a bite of his fruit. āThey couldāve ruled much better than they did, though.ā
I did not look at him as I mumbled, āYes, sir.ā He started staring at my face anyway.
āIs your⦠mouth swelling, Onyx?ā
āYes, sir. As is the usual result of me eating mangos.ā
He grabbed my hand on its way to lift my fork to my mouth. āPlease tell me youāre not allergic to mangos.ā
I blinked like a deer caught in headlights, glancing between my crepe and Dubhe's face. āIām⦠not⦠allergic? Sir?ā
āPlease tell me the honest truth about whether or not youāre allergic to mangos,ā he amended, and I nodded. His mouth set in a tight line. āI asked you if you had dietary restrictions. Why didnāt you say anything?ā
How was I supposed to know this is what heād meant? āMy apologies, sir. I thought⦠um, my mango allergy is included in the list of foods that the royal family did not allow me to have. I was under the impression that you did not care to know what they did not give me.ā
āWell, yeah, but-ā He released my hand, running his own hands through his braids and tugging on the ends. āI mean, I asked if there were foods you couldnāt eat. You said you could eat whatever I saw fit.ā
āAnd if you saw fit to give me food I was allergic to, sir, I could eat it. I am grateful for any food I receive.ā
āThatās not what I meant,ā he hissed.
My eyes traced the grain in the table to avoid looking at him. āMy apologies, sir. I did not mean to misinterpret your command.ā Would Dubhe punish me? Was he allowed to, out in public, in the middle of the day? Prince Ryan wouldnāt have tolerated it. Prince Ryan was in jail at Dubhe's order.
āHow allergic are you? Are you risking your breathing ability when you eat mangos? Are- are you risking your life?ā
āNo, sir. Iām only mildly allergic. Previously, it hasnāt resulted in any more than mild swelling and itching.ā
āI donāt have angel medicine,ā he said through gritted teeth.
I was frustrating him, I knew, but I didnāt know how to respond to his questions. I knew how to respond to things Prince Cardan said, or Prince Ryan, or Her Majesty, but I did not know Dubhe. I did not know what he wanted from me.
āMy apologies, sir,ā I said again. He shook his head sharply.
āItās fine! Itās fine. Iām glad that your allergy isnāt worse than it is.ā
His shoulders were tense, and when I glanced at him, he was glaring at the table too. It was not fine. I had messed up, and I hadnāt even said all the things I was supposed to say. āMy sincerest apologies for not informing you of the allergy when you wanted me to, sir. It wonāt happen again, and I would be grateful if you would punish me to help me remember.ā
Dubhe turned his glare toward me. I flinched back. How had I forgotten already how disapproving he had been when hearing about my punishments? Of course this was not what he wanted me to say. What was I supposed to say? I could fix this. I could still fix this, couldnāt I?
He started talking before I could, reaching out and taking my plate.
āI am,ā he said, and his voice broke, so he cleared his throat and started over. āIām going to take this back to the kitchen. Stay here until I return, please.ā
I stared at him in horror as he stood up with the crepe. The royal family did not permit me to beg, didnāt permit me to want things enough to beg, but this was not the royal family. And it wasnāt want that I felt as he took my plateāit was plain old hunger. I had slept for maybe four hours the night before. I had been tired and hungry before, but the royal family was careful. Prince Ryan paid attention to my bodyās limits. If I continued to be deprived of both sleep and food, I would collapse soon, and then I wouldnāt be useful to anyone at all.
āPlease,ā I blurted out when Dubhe began to walk away. āPlease, I- my apologies, sir, but I didnāt mean to seem ungrateful. I can eat it.ā
āOnyx, Iām not going to force you to eat something youāre allergic to.ā
āBut you could, sir,ā I insisted. My heart was racing, and I knew my words were too fast, not making sense, but I needed the crepe back. āYou wouldnāt even have to force me. I appreciate you going out of your way to have breakfast made for me, and the mango really isnāt that bad, and-ā
āOnyx.ā
āPlease, sir,ā I repeated, trying not to cry. Her Majesty hated when I did that, when I tried to make other people feel guilty about my own bodyās failings, but I couldnāt quite get rid of the pinch behind my eyes. It worsened and twisted until it turned into a familiar wetness building up behind my eyes. I couldnāt cry now, not if I wanted to convince him I deserved the crepe. āPlease. I didnāt even eat half of it. Iām so hungry.ā
Dubhe stared at me for a long moment, eventually bringing his free hand to rest on my shoulder. I held as still as I could. It was okay if he punished me. I had broken so many rules in the past few hours, he had every right to correct me, but all he did was gently squeeze my shoulder.
āYouāre going to eat breakfast,ā he told me softly. āI am taking your crepe back to the kitchen, and Iām having them make a different one without mango for you. Okay? Iām sorry that I wasnāt clear about that. Iām not going to punish you, and Iām not going to starve you. I know I seem frustrated right now. Iām sorry. Itās not your fault.ā
A different one, he said. Without mango. For me.
Heād just apologized to me while he explained that he was making me a personalized breakfast. People werenāt supposed to apologize to me. People werenāt supposed to give things to me.
I stared up at him. I remembered what he had said about how royalty is supposed to help subjects, about how he was the king.
āThank you, sir,ā I whispered.
He nodded, and then he turned around and briskly walked back toward the kitchen.
~
taglist: @kaleidoscope-of-thoughts @toyybox @rainydaywhump @risk606 @jay--o
#if anyone ever holds this against dubhe they are wrong he is my favorite bbg#(i lied you can have whatever opinion you want but STILL)#this is my fav kind of caretaker whumpee misunderstanding#when they're both so frustrated and confused and at a loss for what to do#cuz dubhe is leaving specifically because he doesn't want to get too upset/emotional in front of onyx#like he's so aware that onyx went through Horrors and he HATESSSS ryan. but getting visibly frustrated around onyx is clearly not helping#so he's like... okay. i'll just take a quick break to scream into a pillow and then come back#and onyx does not exactly take that well!#rainbow's whump#the winged servant#rainbow's ocs#whump#onyx tag#dubhe tag#also i thought i was foreshadowing soooo subtly with the whole 'there's a fruit that made my throat itch' thing last chapter#multiple people were like 'oh he's gonna eat smthn he's allergic to isn't he'#my foreshadowing wasn't subtle at all </3 lmaooo
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To the author who wrote the 156k top gun west wing au fic on ao3, I hope you know I have never been so invested in politics as I have while reading this.
#I have also had to physically step away from this fic on multiple occasions because I was too emotional š#but your honor#the jokes and wholesome moments were so good#Iāve never watched west wing but this maybe my gateway#top gun fandom#top gun maverick#top gun 1986#thank you for the food
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