#i have major pride issues and asking for help SUCKS!

[frvitbatz]

god work was hell today

[void-occupation]

hello its me- haunting your dashboard and askbox once more haha-

i saw this somewhere else but I don't remember where; what would hell's version of winter be like? I remembered your headcanon about alastor getting cold easily and I would just like to share my vision.

so hell has an extreme climate- we know that- so winter is basically Antarctica. not alastor-friendly AT ALL, it only ever happens once in a blue moon in hell so he's never really had to deal with this before. the whump possibilities are endless lmao. all-around suffering for the deer man.

do with this what you will! no pressure ofc, this is more like a concept you could make your own story or au with so i'm not sure if it counts as an ask- but do whatever you wanna, and if you did ever do a fic, (if that be a series or a one-shot) I would love to make a comic or cover as a Collab! :D

PLEASE never apologize for haunting my dash/asks, this blog is very ghost-friendly!!!!! All ghosts are allowed to haunt as they please!!

As for your beautiful vision: I love it. I will help it grow and will nourish it until it becomes a beautiful whump monster right here on my little laptop. Not sure WHEN I will make it happen, but I WILL make it happen. For now though, I will simply add to this headcanon (expect whatever I add to probably end up in the fic lol)

Winter in Hell is quite the phenomena - only occurring around once every century or so. It doesn't stick to a set schedule though (Lucifer still shudders when he remembers that time that they had five winters within the span of a single decade.) They are also completely by surprise: the most notice Hell has ever had for a winter is that the temperature dropped five degrees in one day. The next morning, sinners couldn't even open their doors the snow was piled so high. And of course, it wouldn't be Hell if the winters were the normal length, no. Winters in Hell can be anything from six months to the record of three motherfucking years. The last winter took place in the late 1910s - about a decade or so before Alastor died.

As mentioned in my previous headcanon, Alastor is a Louisiana boy. And Louisiana did not receive a SINGLE FUCKING INCH of snowfall the entire time Alastor was alive (trust me I CHECKED, that shit is WILD). That means a few things. 1.) Alastor has never seen snow in his now 120ish years of existing. 2.) Alastor has never felt anything below 50°F his entire existence. 3.) Alastor is painfully thin, which means his body has no way to preserve heat. And 4.) Alastor does not appear to have any clothing besides his three-piece suit that he wears all the time in Hell's usual blazing temperatures with seemingly no issue. Of course, this means that his suit would do nothing for him in Actual Cold Weather since he's so used to it.

With all of this knowledge, the only conclusion I can draw is that once winter actually hits, Alastor is royally FUCKED. Especially considering that a winter in Hell is compiled of all of the worst things about winter. The cold air is dry, and the wind is sharp and biting - in the way that leaves your face stinging and your hands and lips splitting. Somehow simultaneously, the snow can change between huge flakes and straight-up sleet, which if you've ever been in sleet, you know it sucks major ass.

If someone doesn't give Alastor a heated blanket He Will Die. Alastor makes the mistake of going outside exactly twice (because let's face it, I love him but this man is too prideful to accept that the weather will kill him after only one attempt - he's Just A Bit Dumb). Both times he has to be rescued by someone at the hotel after he almost fucking freezes to death like An Idiot, and he manages to also get hypothermia both times because he refuses to do anything in halves. After he also almost freezes to death in his room (which is how they find out there's a draft), he's not even allowed in there, and they move him to a guest room right next to Charlie and Vaggie's room that Lucifer added a fireplace to. He alternates between the kitchen (the oven is very warm and Food), his room (the fireplace is very warm and the bed is cozy), and the couch in the lobby (the fireplace is very warm and the couch is cozy and also Alastor is antisocially social).

He is cold. He is miserable. He is perpetually shaking like an old chihuahua. Some of the residents thought it was funny at first, but that quickly stopped after the first Almost Death. They have to watch him because Alastor becomes very despondent, and if he stops shivering, he needs to be warmed up again. Alastor is more exhausted during the winter then he has ever been in his entire existence due to all the energy his body is burning trying to stay warm. He's sleeping more than ever, but he looks absolutely terrible - eyebags so dark they look like a goth guy's eyeshadow, hair a mess, and an overall very strained look about him. He also eats a lot less, so he begins losing weight which is the exact opposite of helpful in this situation. It gets to the point where Husk is willingly braving the elements to get to the butcher shop Alastor likes just to get sinner meat so he will hopefully get something in him.

This winter is the first time any of them have ever seen him willingly snuggle up to someone, and it's fucking LUCIFER because this little bastard puts out the most heat because for some reason that it part of being a seraphim. Lucifer for his part just kinda lets it slide because Alastor would probably die if he didn't and that would make Charlie sad. Ok, and he kinda reminds Lucifer of when Charlie was little and would snuggle up to him, but that's no one's business but his own. If he's a little softer with Alastor afterwards, and less easily provoked by the sinner, that is also no one's business but his own.

hooo, I really let this one get away from me lol. Hope you enjoy this, and please feel free to haunt me as much as you want!! And when I eventually get this pushed out, it would be absolutely fantastic if you decided to make a comic/cover. I absolutely love your art

[magnetohazard]

THE BOYS(AND TSUBAKI) ARE BACK IN TOWN

Time to celebrate. After many months, we finally have the three-chapter gap in translations of Nii Satoru's Wind Breaker FILLED on mangareader.

This series is great, y'all. If you like media with delinquents and fighting, this is the series to read.

Also, if you like good transgender representation in your manga, this series is a must-read.

This is Takusu Tsubakino. Despite what the official translations for scenes involving her may lead you to believe, she is indeed transgender and when the only site I could find this on had fan scans with really bad formatting, she was a standout character to me as a newly-trans woman myself. She gets her own arc explaining who she is as a person and let me tell you, that shit brought me to tears with how seen I felt reading it.

BUT FIRST A LITTLE BACKGROUND

I got recommended this manga in a really small Facebook group that was dedicated to sharing art(fan and official) of trans characters in manga and anime and I didn't know just how good this character would be going into it. The series' writing, at first, was somewhat standard, but I sensed that there was more to the story even without the trans rep. And there was. It confronts a lot of issues that I faced growing up like having trouble fitting, trying to prove yourself in all the wrong ways, and getting rid of a fractured image of what it means to be fulfilled.(excuse the following picture's quality, it was from my old phone which did this weird thing where the screen brightness also determined the brightness of the screen capture)

Now I was really sucked in to the story already and they showed Tsubakino in an earlier panel in one of the chapters following the first major fight in the series because she's one of the 5 strongest people at the school the characters go to, which is full of kind-hearted delinquents doing community service and being the pride of the town because of it.

Unfortunately, Tsubaki didn't get her own chapter until almost the end of where the English fan translations stopped at the time but I will reiterate: I fucking cried when I got to her backstory.

Now when she finally gets a chance to speak out loud in chapter 62, we get the good news of the main character, Sakura, not being transphobic after being corrected once(in the fan translations, I took a break in the middle of writing this because I needed to re-read her arc to put my thoughts in order and they got updated with the official translations that still use he/him). Honestly? Huge win because Sakura is a whole other post himself that I may or may not make later.

But the real meat comes from the chapter after this. Tsubaki asks Sakura on a date, which is just her way of saying: "Come help me with a personal project." That project is to visit an older man that she met as a child and keep him company because he and his now-deceased wife were the ones who helped her realize that she is trans and the way they tell the story in chapters 64 and 65 are absolutely tearjerking so I'm not going to really get into it here. Please go read those chapters to really feel it for yourself!(pt2 in reblogs)

[booasaur]

As someone at 27 y/o bi leaning towards women.. who’s born in a country that doesn’t support lgbt rights and also in the closet because of homophobic dad/relatives, im honestly so upset by this. The only way I can live my truth is to live vicariously through the wlw media that I consume and it fuckin hurts. It’s heartbreaking that even just being who I am is impossible and the only way I can is being ripped away from me. I don’t know how much more I can take, especially during pride month

Oof, I get you, anon. When it's your only outlet to something that for others can manifest in so many life-changing ways, crushes, first kisses, dating, sex, marriage, children, it can be so stifling when even the one avenue you have is closed off. And however far away it's happening, it's a reminder of the same homophobia and restrictions you see right around you, so it feels even more hopeless, knowing that in places that are supposedly better off, there are still these major battles to be fought.

I don't know your exact situation, but here are some of the things that helped me come to terms with these same frustrations:

First, focus on individual people more than trends. That's tough to do, for sure, especially when, again, you see so much homophobia directly around you so it seems ubiquitous, but if you're particularly taking WN's case to heart, remember that as much as Netflix tried to shut it down, the cast and crew fought for it! For all these cancellations, there are people who made the original media in the first place and tried to keep it going. It's not hopeless, there's so much support and so many allies.

This next part might be hard to accept, and you know, maybe it's not what'll work for you, but for me, I really did have to learn to not get really deep into any one show or ship. When things are good, they're so good, it all sucks you in, you check the updates all the time, and maybe most importantly, there's this whole community you become a part of. But when you lose it, not if, because in f/f you will, even if things end well, there aren't enough people to keep it going, the more you've made it a part of your life, the more you feel that loss.

All fans should exercise moderation and keep things in perspective, but I'm speaking more to people like us, who don't have anything in real life to balance out what we experience through media.

I answered this ask a little late because I did get sucked up into other shows airing right now that have f/f and that doesn't negate the core issue, this will be the final season for most of them, if not all, but there's still something to get into, even just in f/f media. Perhaps you may prefer lesfic, or the f/f Youtube/Tiktok scene, or webseries.

It's also worth getting into non-media hobbies. Or, you know, at least consuming non-f/f media. I remember being angry at seeing the m/f couples in pretty much everything else while we couldn't have anything, so I just didn't watch anything at all and instead just did those elaborate adult paint by numbers and listened to comedy podcasts. And once I did feel more in the mood to watch stuff again, it was goofy sitcoms and old school murder mysteries, where it wasn't really like, oh, I wish this had more of us. :P

Lastly, it really does sting at you if you feel isolated and alone even from your own family, so try to see if there are other ways you can connect with them. Otherwise it just adds to your negative feelings to resent and fear them.

None of this may work for you, there are so many other possibilities, moving away, coming out, getting involved with LGBT organizations near you or just meeting other queer people, but I'm sure you've already considered those options and they're not currently doing enough for you. But I would at least give some of this a shot, try some distance at first, and hopefully it'll start to feel better. It really doesn't help that we're globally going through a pretty rough time, but just focus on feeling better yourself.

[takashi0]

I don’t know if you’re still accepting the pride asks and this may be too personal but I’d be curious if you answered 24 (your relationship with your religion and your lgbt identity) and 33 (what you find the most important about your identity)

>24. Do you practice any religion, if so how does it play into your LGBT identity? Do you feel welcomed by your spiritual community?

Christian. Protestant. Between Denominations. Probably a Universalist.

Truth be told I used to be homophobic when I was young, but the first thing that chipped that away was my mom, of all people, who asked the question of "If being gay is a choice why wouldn't you choose to be straight to avoid all the mistreatment?"

Which sounds shitty but even still, a victory is a victory.

After that, for as much time as I spend bitching on tumblr and the insistence this place has on taking the wrong approach of building up (minority) groups by tearing (majority) groups down, it did help me further build the notion of "oh yeah, gay people are actual human beings who suffer and deserve better."

And beyond that, I learned about non-mainstream analyses of Biblical text, namely how the passages bigots use to justify their views aren't what they claim and so I have pretty much no cognitive dissonance between my faith and my identity.

That being said?

Fuck no I don't feel welcomed by my community. I've pretty much resigned myself to never, EVER coming out as Bi. At least not until my Granddad passes on. Because I know the odds of me being accepted are next to nil. And it sucks because my family are generally decent people EXCEPT when it comes to LGBT issues.

And the constant news feed of people in the """Kweer community""" caring more about "owning the straights" and deciding "let's take every awful stereotype Homophobes have about us and be that way unironically even when it's actively detrimental to us" and the inevitable backlash sure as fuck isn't helping that.

They're all gonna think I'm some kind of demonic freak who wants to fuck children because God fucking forbid people understand why "maybe we shouldn't have Kink shit and Children in the same location" is a bad idea.

I love Jesus as much as I always have but my family will reject me based on my identity and many of my views politically and the wider "Queer Community" has made it clear they feel the exact same way.

No I'm not bitter, why do you ask?

>33. What about your LGBT identity do you feel proud of/ want to recognize/celebrate?

"Proud" is a strong word. I'm not really "proud" of being Bi, but I'm not ashamed of it either. I just am. To me it's not just like. Some big fucking thing with which to make a big hoopla over, it's just another facet that's as trivial as my race or me being a man.

Though I suppose it has considerably expanded my horizons and taste in smut, lmao.

Though in terms of "Want to recognize" how about actually recognizing that I like Men AND Women? Can I do that and not be treated like Diet Gay or Diet Straight or like I need to "Pick a side?" or some bullshit like that?

[testosteroneheart]

I wish I was worth something, anything.

I spend so much of my time hyping people up, but never get that back, and it hurts.

I’ll be the first person to tell/show people support. I’ll show up, speak up, stand up… but when it comes to the thing I need… it’s empty. My court side is empty. De-void of help or hope.

It feels like, those who exist around me daily are just simply… floating. The interaction is basic at best. There isn’t any hype, any support, any acknowledgment. I can’t tell you the last time someone genuinely looked me in the eye and asked me what I’m passionate about. What makes me happy. Where I went to be. What I want to do. How I’m doing.

I’m wanting to create, but without a support system, it’s hard for me. It just is. I spent the majority of my life with people putting me down and treating me like garbage for my art,,, unless they get something out of it. If it’s worth something to them, they’re all in, but I have never had support from a partner for it. I’ve never hard support from my parents until I started streaming last year.. and even then it’s just… asking when I’ll do it again.

There is a reason that don’t do things, more so, than a reason that I do. I’m a dethroned pedestal child, man. I’ve been establishing an unhealthy life balance of PTSD, abandonment issues, and self hatred due to failure since I can remember. If I was ever good enough it was, “who do they get the talent from” not that I had the talent or ability myself to begin with. My pride and joy was always sucked right fucking out of me. It wasn’t MY accomplishment, it was whoever thought they passed it down to me or whoever “fake encouraged me the most”, as if to bet that it would be a hit and then be happy when the odds worked out. I’m like a racehorse people bet on, but only if it can benefit them.

And I’m tired of it.

[euovennia]

widow | CH. II

pairing: soap x fem!reader

a/n: i decided to change up the bar scene at the end of the game because this is my story and i'll do as i please. regardless, the boys are finally here, woo!!! there'll be more interactions between them all next chapter (that's probably gonna be the majority of it tbh) but please enjoy this semi-awkward meeting for now <3

friendly reminder that this work is written with a fem!reader in mind, but with no specified features

PROLOGUE, CH. I, CH. III, CH. IV

Four Years Later

It had been just a few short hours after Ghost had saved Soap from what would have otherwise been a certain death by the hands of Hassan Zyani. The past few weeks were nothing short of grueling but as Ghost, Soap, and Gaz all made their way through the bustling streets of Chicago to meet Price and Laswell at a local dive bar, they couldn’t help but want to give themselves a little pat on the back for a job well done. As well as it could have gone at least, there was still the issue of Grave’s death and Shepherd's betrayal on Los Vaqueros and the 141. Perhaps that would be their next mission.

Finally approaching the dingy bar, the three men began filing inside the bar as they each made a beeline over to Price and Laswell who seemed to be having a rather serious conversation if the looks on their faces were anything to go by. Upon seeing the team approach however, Price simply gave them a small nod before taking a swig of this drink. The boys take their seats before each ordering a drink of their choice. With everyone now settled in, Laswell decides to speak.

“You boys did your job and you did it well. Congratulations,” She raises her glass and the four men follow in succession, a sense of pride and accomplishment lingering in the air. The group sits in silence for a few moments before Gaz breaks it.

“So what now?”

“We find Shepherd,” Price announces firmly.

Laswell sighs, “That’s not what we agreed on.”

Price looks at her out of the corner of his eye, “We never agreed on anything, Laswell.”

“We’ve got bigger issues than just finding Shepherd.”

“I reckon that’s the reason you’ve got other teams then,” He lamely states as he takes another sip of his drink.

“Trust me, this is something you’ll want to be involved in,” She says before reaching inside her jacket pocket and pulling out a photo. She plants it face down on the bar counter before sliding it over to Price.

He stares at the photo for a few seconds before taking the photo in his hands and flipping it over. He sucks in a sharp breath upon seeing the familiar dark-haired man. Lips pressed into a thin line, he passes the photo over to Gaz. He studies the photo for a few moments before his eyes flicker up to Price's tense frame. Not wanting to ask quite yet, he hands it over to Soap who tilts his head in confusion upon holding it in his hands. Finally, he gives it to Ghost who merely diverts his attention back over to Laswell and Price after staring down the photo for a few seconds.

This time it’s Soap who speaks up, “Who’s that?”

Price lets out a sigh as his grip on the glass in front of him gets tighter.

“Ivan Volkov.”

“What's he done,” Gaz questions.

“We’ll get into that later. Right now, I need you four to head back to the safe house.”

Ghost speaks up, “What are you gonna do?”

“I have a contact completing a mission out in France at the moment to get the last bit of info we need to go after Volkov. I’ll be awaiting their call.”

“What if they don't get it?” Soap chimes in.

Price finishes off the rest of his drink.

“I’ve got a feeling that won’t be an issue.”

Paris, France

A woman watches as the man lifelessly falls back onto the ground, a bullet firmly nestled into his forehead as a steady stream of blood begins to ooze out of the wound.

“Hah…And they said I couldn't be a sniper,” A familiar German accent rings out through her comms.

A small smile comes across her face as she focuses her attention back on the laptop screen in front of her.

“You did well, König. Perfect shot as always my dear friend,”

“Just living out my dreams,” He pauses for a moment, “Do you think I would've made a good sniper?”

“You are a good sniper.”

“But they said I was too tall and couldn't sit still,”

“Doesn’t change the fact you have yet to miss a shot while you’re with me,” She responds as she attaches a small black hard drive into the side of the computer, leaning back and watching as various files upload to the drive.

“Why do you have Laswell request me for these missions?”

“So you can live out your dream.”

She pays no mind to the small ‘thank you’ that flows through her comms.

After all the files have been copied onto the drive, she quickly detaches it and stores it in the small tactical sling bag she’d brought with her.

“I’ve got the intel, I’ll meet you down at the entrance.”

“Copy that.”

The woman promptly pushes herself up from the raggedy desk chair and makes her way over to the grey metal door before pushing it open and walking out the small office. She steps over the lifeless bodies of the various guards she’d taken out prior to making her way into the office. She had quickly come to find that it was quite easy to get through the dead man’s so-called security detail but she knew she couldn’t take all the credit. König was rather handy with that sniper of his after all.

Finally approaching the exit door, she pushed her way through it to reveal the sight of König mindlessly kicking pebbles around with his feet.

“Having fun?”

“Just wanted to make sure you got out safe.”

“Well I’m here,” She motions over to the car sitting a few feet away from them, “Go start it up. I’ll be there in a moment, I have to make a quick call.”

He simply nods before walking away. The woman pulls out a small burner phone from the side pocket of her bag and flips it open before typing in a number she knew all too well by now. She waits patiently for a few moments before she hears Laswell’s voice ring out through the phone.

“Shadow?”

“Target has been eliminated and I have the hard drive. K and I are gonna start making our way back to the safe house then we’ll be on our way to transport at dawn.”

“Actually there’s been a change of plans.”

The woman tilts her head, “What kind of changes?”

“You’ll still make your way to the safe house but you won’t be spending the night there. Instead, I want you to go four klicks north. You should end up in an open field. A short plane will come down and get you.”

“I take it we’re not going back to Germany?”

”Affirmative. You’ll be flown into Chicago and dropped at base. From there, you’ll be escorted directly to me.”

“What about König?”

“I’m going to reach out to KorTac and let them know he’s ready for transport once you two arrive at base. He should be reunited with them late tomorrow afternoon.”

“Alright. See you then I suppose.” “See you.”

The woman flips the phone closed before walking over to the car and sliding in the driver’s seat upon seeing the passenger side occupied by König.

“Didn’t feel like driving?”

He shakes his head.

“The seat doesn’t extend back far enough…It hurts my knees.”

She gives him a small nod as she begins driving.

“You should have more leg room in the plane.”

“Plane?”

“Yeah. We’re heading to Chicago.”

“Scheiße.”

“I like this one.”

“Yeah? What do you like about it?”

König goes quiet for a moment before speaking once more.

“It’s not too loud and it’s not too quiet. It’s simple.”

The woman mulls over his words for a short while before nodding her head.

“Yeah…It is rather simple isn’t it? Just a man playing the piano.”

“Just a man playing the piano,” König parrots back.

They sit in silence for a few moments before he speaks up once more.

“What song is this again? I know you told me, but I think I blacked out for a bit.”

“Nocturne Op. 9 No. 2 by Frédéric Chopin.”

“What do you know about him?”

“He was a Polish composer born in 1810 known primarily for his solo piano pieces. He published his first composition at the age of seven and began performing when he was eight. Even so, he didn’t make his official debut until 1829. People were enthralled by him and so his fame only grew with time. He eventually passed away at the age of thirty-nine on October 30, 1849. His official cause of death isn’t known, but some theorize it was pulmonary tuberculosis.”

König lets out a hum of acknowledgement.

“How do you always know so much about these people?”

Her mind drifts off for a few moments, memories of ballet shoes and leotards flashing in and out of her mind before she eventually shakes her head and lets out a small sigh.

“I like to read about them when I can’t sleep.”

A lie, but he doesn’t know that.

“Hmm…Maybe I should give it a shot.”

She opens her mouth to respond, but is cut off by the co-pilot shouting over to them through the opening of the cockpit door.

“We’ve touched down, we’ll be parked shortly!”

She and König spare each other a glance before he’s taking out the earbud she lent him as she quickly wraps the cord over her 7th gen. iPod Nano. Despite the black music player being rather dated, she had found an odd comfort in downloading songs off the internet and storing them onto the small device. It was simple and she’d come to like simple.

True to their word, the plane eventually comes to a complete stop as the pair slung their tactical backpacks on their shoulder with König sporting a hefty duffel hand in his right hand that was filled with various weapons he’d brought with him for the mission. They both stand up from their seats with König having to duck his head due to his massive frame as she goes over and slides the plane door open before beginning her descent down the stairs of the plane with König following right behind her.

Her eyes scan over the layout before eventually landing on Price who was currently walking toward the pair who were now standing still on the tarmac. He eventually comes to a stop in front of the pair as he gives a nod of acknowledgement to König who returns an awkward wave.

Bless him.

Price then turns to Shadow as he offers her a small smile.

“Good to see you again, kid.”

“Likewise, but what exactly are you doing here?”

She watches with increased interest as his smile appears to falter just slightly before speaking, “We’ll get to that in a bit. You’ve still got the phone on you?”

She nods as she places a hand over the small bag, “In here.”

He gives her an approving nod before turning to König, “KorTac won’t be here until late this evening. Something about inclement weather. You can do as you please until then.”

König gives him a firm nod before leaning down to Shadow as he gives her arm a small squeeze, “See you next mission then.”

She returns the small gesture before he stands up straight once more and stalks off toward what she assumes is a quiet place for him to sit back and decompress, she knows missions take a lot out of him.

She turns her attention back to Price who is now holding out two granola bars to her.

“It’s not much, but I figure you haven’t eaten in a good while.”

She takes the small snack from him.

“Thanks.”

“Come on, Laswell’s got some water in her office. You wash those down there,” He states as he begins walking forward with her following beside him.

She rips open the first bar and begins munching on it before speaking, “Am I gonna get any context on what’s happening here or do I have to go in blind?”

Price purses his lips, “I think this is something you should work out with Laswell.”

“Is she finally kicking me to the curb?”

“What? No. Where’d you even get that idea from?”

She takes another bite of her granola bar, “Sooner or later she’ll realize she doesn’t need me anymore and toss me to the side. It happens all the time.”

Price gives her shoulder a firm nudge with his arm as he speaks, “You know I don’t like when you talk about yourself like that.”

She shrugs, “Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

The older man releases an exasperated sigh, “You’re a lot darker than I originally thought.”

If only you knew.

She takes one last bite of her first granola bar before tearing open the packaging of the second one as they both approach a door. Price leans forward and pulls the door open and allows her to walk in before taking the lead once more as they weave through the hallways of the building. They eventually come to a stop outside an unmarked door and Price looks down at her.

“Do me a favor and try to hear Laswell out before you make any decisions, okay?”

She narrows her eyes at his words before he pushes the door open and walks inside. Taking a bite of her bar, she follows behind him before coming to a stop by his side as her chewing comes to a halt as she sees Laswell sitting at a circle shaped desk with multiple manila folders sat in front of her. She gulps down her bite of granola as she looks up at Price with a questioning gaze to which he merely gives her a pat on the shoulder before taking a seat beside Laswell. Her eyes dart over to Laswell who simply gestures to the empty seat sitting directly in front of them. Sucking in a small breath, she reluctantly walks over and pulls out the chair before sitting down in it.

She swallows, “What’s this all about?”

Laswell is the one to speak, “The drive. You have it with you, right?”

Upon seeing her outstretched hand, the woman unzips the main compartment of her small bag and grabs the drive before sliding it across the table over to Laswell who picks it up.

“Excellent. Once I get my team to look through this, we should be ready to go ahead.”

“Go ahead on what exactly?”

Laswell looks up at her, “The past four years of your life have been solely dedicated to finding any bit of information you could get me on Volkov and his current whereabouts,” She holds up the drive in her hand, “This will offer us the last piece of the puzzle. We can finally go after him and take him out.”

The woman points a finger at Price.

“Then what’s he here for?”

“His team is going to help you.”

The woman’s hand falls onto the table as her gaze hardens.

“No.”

Laswell sighs, “You don’t have a choice. If I decide I want Price’s team on this mission with you then they’re going on the mission with you, no exceptions.”

“But there’s no need for them to be here. Every piece of information you have on the Red Room is because of me. I don’t like working with teams and you know that.”

“Then what about all the times you’ve worked with König?”

“König is a single person, not a group of four. There’s a difference. Teams only offer more opportunities to fail.” “But they can also offer more opportunities to succeed. Why are you against them anyway? You haven’t even seen them.”

“I don’t want to see them.”

“Well I’m sorry to say this, but I don’t care. Either you work with this team or I pull you from this mission entirely.”

Shadow scoffs, “You can’t do that.” “I have every right to do so and you know it.”

The pair fall into a loud silence before Laswell lets out a soft sigh.

“I know you can do this by yourself, there’s not a single doubt in my mind about that…But I don’t want you to do this by yourself.”

Shadow looks up at her.

“Why not?”

“Because out of every mission you’ve gone on, this is the most dangerous. Ivan Volkov is a dangerous man and the last thing I need is you out there on the field trying to take him out by yourself. I–”

She pauses as she spares a glance to Price out the corner of her eye.

“–We care too much about you to let you do that to yourself.”

Shadow has to refrain from rolling her eyes. “Then send König out there with me, I don’t care! Just don’t stick me with a random team who I know nothing about.”

Laswell shakes her head, “Various members of KorTac will be sent out on missions of their own within the next few days, König is one of them.”

“So that’s it then? Either you stick me in a group with a bunch of random people or I don’t get to go after Volkov at all?”

Laswell nods.

Shadow lets out a humorless laugh, “No offense Las, but you’re a real piece of work.”

Her lips tick up in a small smile, “You’re starting to sound like my wife.”

Shadow goes quiet for a minute before sighing, “You’re not gonna let up on this, are you?”

“Not this time.”

The younger woman seems to bounce a few ideas around her head for a bit before giving a reluctant nod.

“Fine, but if they suck I’m shooting them first chance I get.”

Price offers her a smile, “I’ll hand you the gun.”

“Good. Now that we’re all in agreement, you’re free to go for now. I’ll have my team look through the hard drive to extract any useful information we come across. We’ll meet here again tomorrow at fifteen-hundred hours to go over everything. Does that sound alright?”

“None of this sounds alright, but I’ll be a good little soldier and say yes.”

“Mercenary,” Price corrects.

This time she doesn’t hold back her eye roll.

“Same difference.”

After the short meeting she had with Price and Laswell, Shadow had managed to snag an empty shower long enough for her to scrub away all the dirt and bits of blood that had dried and hardened to her skin. She’d changed out of her kevlar bodysuit and instead opted for some simple leggings and a hoodie with a plain tank top tucked underneath. She didn’t bother switching out her black boots for anything else, they were clean and comfortable enough for her so she didn’t see the need to. Once completely clean and changed, she mindlessly wandered around base for a just over an hour before eventually finding König tucked away in an old conference room as he let old reruns of ‘Modern Family’ play out on a small tv screen just a few feet away from chair he sat in. Not quite wanting to leave him alone, she decided to keep him company.

Seeing as they originally touched down just after twelve pm, that had been more than a few hours ago, considering the sky was now gradually turning into a mix of yellows, oranges, and reds. Not that it felt like it had been that long. She enjoyed spending time with König, whether it be on missions or sitting in an old dusty conference room having hushed conversations where he freely talked her ear off. She didn’t mind though. Despite his sometimes manic and hyper demeanor on the field, she’d come to find he had great difficulty trying to connect with others on a more casual and friendly level, but she and König had spent so much down time together on their missions together that the bond they had formed rather quickly. She was grateful for it.

As much as she enjoyed the time she spent with König, there eventually came a time where one of them would have to depart from the other and this time, it was him. After having received word that his transportation back to KorTac would be landing in ten minutes, he decided it was best to start heading back to the tarmac.

He’d given her a firm hug that was made only slightly awkward due to his massive frame, but she enjoyed it all the same.

“I’ll see you around, Shadow.”

“Until next time, K.”

With König now departed from base, she had taken it upon herself to wander around aimlessly before eventually settling down on a table outside near a building that she could only assume was a training area if the workout gear people wore while filing in and out was anything to go by. She quietly watched everyone from a distance as the soft notes of Debussy’s ‘Claire de Lune’ spilled through the small speakers of her earbuds.

She sat with her legs crossed on the chair and hands clasped in her lap as she watched one soldier narrowly avoid running into a metal pole after being so caught up in whatever app is currently lighting up their phone screen. Her eyes began to drift over to the entrance, but stopped when her ears picked up on the quiet string of footsteps that were growing closer and closer. She whipped her head around, body tense and glare ready, but quickly fell back into her previous semi-relaxed state as she saw Price approaching her with a sandwich and a bottle of water in his hands. She untucked her right leg from its crossed position and used it to push out the spare chair that sat a few feet from hers. She let her leg dangle off the chair she occupied as Price took a seat in the chair and slid the sandwich and water over to her.

“Didn’t see you in the mess hall for dinner, thought you might be hungry.” She gives him a nod of appreciation and removes her earbud before reaching forward, unwrapping the sandwich, and taking a bite. They sit in a comfortable silence as she finishes off the rest of her sandwich and washes it down with the water. She balls up the wrapper and shoves it in the pocket of her hoodie to throw away later. Price looks at her.

“Where have you been all day?”

“Holed up in an old conference room with König. We just watched some TV and talked before he had to go. He left a couple hours ago.”

Price nods as he continues, “How’d you two meet?”

“I met him three years ago when I was doing a mission of my own for Laswell. Apparently he’d been stationed in the same area. I almost shot him until I saw the KorTac emblem on his uniform. He just took that as an opportunity to start throwing punches and yell at me in German,” She responds, a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips as she replays the memory.

“Bloody hell,” He runs a hand over the side of his face in an exasperated motion, “How’d you get yourself outta that?”

“I started yelling back at him in German.”

Price huffs out a laugh, “Sounds about right. I assume you two get on well now though, right?”

She nods, “Yeah, he’s a good guy. Real talented with a sniper too believe it or not.”

“I have a hard time believing a bloke as big as him takes the time to steady up on a sniper rather than ram into everything like a bull.”

She shrugs, “Hasn’t missed a shot so far.”

Price nods as if absorbing the information. He remains quiet for a few moments before speaking up again.

“So…If you can warm up to a man twice your size, surely you can warm up to the idea of working with my team, right?”

She lets out a huff as she looks over to Price.

“No offense, but I want nothing to do with your team.”

“Oh come on, kid. They’re not that bad! A bit on the cheeky side some of them, but they mean well,” He defended.

“Anyone who can work with you long enough to look past that god awful thing on your head shouldn’t be trusted.”

Price’s hands go to touch the edges of his boonie hat.

“It’s a good hat!”

“It’s a disgrace is what it is.”

He huffs out a breath of air as he returns his hands to rest on the table in front of them.

“Unnecessary disrespect to my hat aside, I mean it when I say they’re good people. I’ve fought alongside them and I can firmly say I’d trust any one of those muppets with my life. You’ve just gotta give ‘em a chance.”

She sighs as she fiddles with the crumpled up wrapper in the pocket of her hoodie, “Must’ve put a spell on you if you’re willing to stick your neck out like this for them,” She mumbles.

“No spells, just quality work done by quality men.”

She doesn’t respond.

Price’s lips falter into a frown before he decides to make one last effort.

“Look, I know you’ve gotten used to workin’ alone these past few years save for König and I understand that, but you’ve gotta see where Laswell and I are coming from here. You’ve made yourself one of our most useful assets, not just as an employee, but as a person.” He stops to think about his next words for a few moments before continuing.

“Look, ever since you told us about that emblem you managed to snag off one of those Red Room assassins, the three of us have spent a lot of time together. I’m not sure when it happened, but somewhere along the way Laswell and I–” He let out a sigh, trying not to fumble his next words. “–We started to care about you. Probably more than we should’ve,” He pauses, “We just want you to be safe, and we feel the only way to do that this time around is to pair you up with a team. My team. It’s not a punishment or us doubting your abilities, we just wanna keep an eye on you. That’s all it is.”

The woman remains quiet for a while before looking up at Price, a small smile tugging at the edge of her lips.

“I knew you two liked me more than you let on.”

Price rolls his eyes as he leans forward and gives her shoulder a nudge before settling back into a more serious expression.

“Just tell me you’ll at least try to work with them, even if you end up hating all of us by the end of it.”

She lets out a sigh, “I’ll try.”

He smiles at her, “Good, because I’m not sure what I would’ve told Laswell if you said no.”

They share a small laugh and Price stays with her for a while longer before eventually leaving to get some rest, but not before making her promise him that she would also leave to get some rest soon. She refrains herself from rolling her eyes and offers the most disarming smile she could muster before agreeing. While he was able to detect the steady wave of slight annoyance radiating off her, he decided not to pry any further. She was an adult after all and so, he left as he wandered back in the direction of his room.

She watched as the silhouette of the man who had practically saved her from the life she lived before got smaller and smaller the more he walked into the darkness of the night. She tried telling herself it was just to make sure no one snuck up on him despite being within the relatively safe confines of the base, but she knew better. The pit of guilt that had been festering inside of her ever since she did nothing to stop the steam of lies that fell from her lips four years ago seemed to make itself stronger than ever. It was eating her alive.

Shadow takes in a deep breath as she slowly makes her way toward the two before stopping beside Laswell. She stares at the buckle sat in Laswell’s hand before bringing up her right hand and placing her own object on the bed.

Laswell’s chest tightens as she places the metal buckle in her hand beside the one Shadow just brought.

“They’re the same,” Price remarks.

Laswell looks at Shadow, “How do you have that?”

Shadow keeps her eyes concentrated on the tri-colored hourglass emblem that had been burned into her mind for her entire life. A deep pit growing in her stomach, she looks up at the attentive pair.

“It’s the Red Room symbol.”

Price and Laswell spared each other a hesitant glance before turning back to the woman who seemed to be in some sort of trance as her eyes remained glued to the buckle she’d placed on the bed just a few moments ago.

Laswell decided to speak.

“How do you know it’s their symbol?”

Despite feeling herself tense up at the question, Shadow knew she brought this on herself. The moment she set the emblem on the bed, she practically backed herself into a corner and there was nothing she could do about it.

Well, there were a couple things she could do about it.

On one hand she could come clean about her past and potentially get the chance to aid Laswell in her mission to put an end to the Red Room, but there was also the chance she’d get killed, maybe something even worse than death. Neither Price or Laswell knew the full extent of all the things she’d done in her life and she wasn’t too keen on them finding out, much less telling them herself. Who knows what they could do with such information?

On the other hand, she could just try and leg it out of there in hopes of avoiding any further questions. She didn’t completely hate the idea, but she knew it wasn’t worth the trouble that’d come along with doing such a thing.

Having eliminated both of those ideas in the few moments she took to think about them, she knew she had to think of something quick. Nothing that could get her deemed as an immediate threat and imprisoned, but nothing that would raise too many alarms.

She almost cursed herself for revealing the emblem that had been burned into every aspect of her life.

Almost.

She looked up at Laswell, a small sigh falling from her lips as she quickly tried to sort out the story in her head.

“I’m not who you think I am.”

Laswell tilted her head.

“What do you mean by that?”

“I’m not part of the Red Room.”

Laswell narrowed her eyes as she pointed to the emblem.

“Then why do you have that and how do you know it belongs to them?”

She took a few seconds to sort out the last few bits of her fabricated story before beginning to speak.

“I kill people for a living–”

“We know,” Price bluntly states, seemingly not bothered by his rude interruption.

The woman fights back the urge to jab her fist into his injured side and instead opts for a pointed look in his direction before continuing.

“–But I don’t work for the Red Room.”

Laswell’s look of suspicion morphs into one of confusion.

“What? But I was so sure–”

This time it’s Shadow interrupting.

“Just because I don’t work for them doesn’t mean I don’t know of them.”

Laswell’s gaze hardens, “Elaborate.”

“Look, the whole purpose of the Red Room is to produce assassins who can execute any and all targets without getting themselves caught. While the targets can be virtually anyone, it goes without saying that a lot of them are political figures.”Price speaks, “What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Different people have different political agendas. What may benefit one person may be detrimental to the next. So while one person may hire an assassin to get rid of someone, another person may hire another assassin to ensure the safety of the original target by going after anyone set to kill them. Kind of like a bodyguard.”

“Is this your way of telling us you were employed as one of these bodyguards?”

“Not exactly. I never took work based on politics, I took it based on the paycheck. Whatever the highest bidder wanted, they’d get.”

“And how does this tie in with the Red Room?”

Shadow points over to the emblem, “I managed to snag that off one of Volkov’s girls while trying to protect my target. I hadn’t seen it before so instead of killing her, I knocked her out and took her back with me. I managed to get a few details I think you may be interested in before I eventually had to get rid of her.”

Laswell straightened out her posture as she looked at Shadow with great interest, “What details?”

Time to strike.

“Details you won’t get until you can promise me a few things.”

Laswell scoffs, “You do realize you just admitted you’re an assassin, right? You’re in no position to be making demands of any kind.”

“Normally you’d be correct, but seeing as how you won’t be able to connect me to any crime as little as shoplifting I think your hands are a bit tied at the moment.”

“And how can you be so sure of that?”

Shadow’s gaze settled back on the hourglass shaped emblem that represented all the pain and suffering she’d inflicted on the world.

She hated it.

She hated herself.

She looked back at Laswell, willing herself to be more brave than she felt.

“A part of me always knew there’d be a time where I wanted to get out. I didn’t want anything to hold me back when I got the chance, so I always made sure things were perfect, that no one could ever prove anything.”

Laswell nods before speaking once more, “And why is it you think I can give you an out?”

“You want the Red Room gone and at this point I think I’m your best bet. You lay off me and I’ll help you take it out.”

Shadow watched with bated breath as Laswell and Price exchanged each other looks of apprehension and hesitation. She could only hope she played her part well enough.

After more than a few moments of them staring each other down, Laswell turned back to Shadow with a particular glint in her eye she hadn’t quite seen before.

“Tell me what you have in mind.”

The woman was ripped away from her thoughts by the loud laughter of a man. She whipped her head to the direction it originated from and was met with the backs of two men hunched over what she assumed was a phone. Letting out a small sigh, she grabbed her iPod and water bottle before deciding to stalk off in the direction of the barracks in hopes of finding an empty room she could claim for the night.

The woman tapped her fingers on the glossy surface of the desk she sat at with Price and Laswell the day before as the lively notes of ‘The Blue Danube’ composed by Johann Strauss plays through her earbuds. She’s gotten to the conference room fifteen minutes early and seeing as she now had nothing better to do than wait, she pulled out her trusty iPod and tapped shuffle on her classical playlist. Despite classical being most of what she listened to, she did have a few other playlists containing various other genres such as pop, jazz, hip hop, and rock. She was simply raised listening to classical so that’s what she often favored despite more than a few pieces having been tainted due to the unpleasant memories she’d come to associate them with. Even so, she still managed to enjoy every song she listened to.

As the last few notes of the composition died out in the left earbud currently lodged in her ear, her eyes shot up to the sound of the creaky door to conference room opened to reveal a tall man clad in an all black outfit paired with a skull print balaclava with black warpaint swiped around his eyes. He paused as he caught sight of the woman already sitting at the rounded table while she simply stared him down with a blank expression. He gave a quick glance to the room number printed on the door and upon confirming he was in the right place, he slowly stepped in and closed the door behind him before taking a seat across from the woman. Once settled down he returned her blank stare with one of his own, almost willing her to say something.

But she didn’t.

She simply looked back down at the small black music player in her hand as she scrolled through her list of songs. After a few more moments of silence, she looked up to see the man idly tapping away on his phone.

The two of them settled into a rather tense silence filled with unanswered questions, one that was only broken by the sound of the door creaking open yet again to reveal another tall man who sported a grey cap that had a Union Flag patch sewn into the front of it. Her eyes roamed over his lean frame that was clad in a long sleeved grey shirt paired with khaki cargo pants and black shoes. It faintly reminded her of an old photo Price had shown her of himself. She watched as he grabbed a seat that was one over from the man who arrived just a few minutes prior. After all three of them exchanged silent glances, they directed their attention to their own devices.

Just a few minutes had passed before the door opened once again, this time revealing Price who had a small stack of manila folders in his hands whereas Laswell carried a laptop. Upon seeing their superiors enter the conference room, the three strangers quickly tucked their electronics into their pockets as Price spoke.

“Glad to see you lot are getting on well with each other,” He remarked, sarcasm practically dripping from his voice.

The three of them avoided making eye contact with each other causing him to shake his head in mild amusement as he handed them each a folder of their own. Upon getting to the empty chair, he spoke.

“Where’s Soap?”

Soap?

Suddenly, the door practically bursts open and a prominent Scottish accent breaks through the room.

“Sorry I’m late, got caught up at the mess hall!”

The woman’s gaze turned to face the direction of the door once more as her eyes landed on a muscular man with a mohawk.

“Settle down Soap. Just take a seat,” Price spoke as he tossed a folder to where the unoccupied seat was. Her eyes followed the man as he quickly walked over to the empty chair and nabbed himself the seat. His eyes settled on the folder in his hands before looking up and facing the woman. Expecting him to redirect his gaze like the other two, she maintained eye contact but was surprised when he offered her a wide smile. She tried to reign in the look of confusion she was sure was apparent on her face before breaking eye contact and opting to stare down at the folder, effectively missing the way the man’s face fell at her actions. Her attention, however, was quickly redirected once Laswell began to speak.

“Task Force 141, meet Shadow. Shadow, meet Task Force 141.”

TAGLIST: (if i missed anyone or it didn't tag you properly, please let me know!)

@deadpoolsluvrr @simonsbluee @scaredknight @swissy23 @niawritesbs @ethanhawkelovers-blog @watermaylon-writes @ravenhood2792 @shoxji @griimreaperr @galacticstxrdust @cptmaverick-marvel @comedinewithmeyeh @fluffysteampunkd @callmenoiselul @isissakibbs-blog @urfavsunkissedleo @decaffeinatedmom01 @23victoria @silveroak-art @untoldshortsofthefandoms @deadbranch @ella-error505 @water-hemlock18 @abbiesxox @queen-of--roses @kiriki45 @desxr-fx @emrzennn

[jisungsmochi]

favorite crime - na jaemin

favorite crime - na jaemin 

this is the second installment for my SOUR series! you can read jeno’s one here! 

a little bad boy!jaemin x troubled (?) but still a ‘goodie goodie’ reader // strangers to friends to partner in crime to strangers again :/ 

word count: 7.2k 

summary: “It's bittersweet to think about the damage that we'd do

'Cause I was goin' down, but I was doin' it with you” 

who would have ever thought that, jaemin, the quiet boy you met in detention, would become your first love? getting involved with his shenanigans was probably the worst thing you could have done in your life. you were lucky enough to love someone like him, someone who excited you, scared you, and most of all, loved you back. but what happens when his actions suddenly have consequences? 

a/n: this summary sucks but i liked writing this alot,, explains why it took me so long to write it oops. 

tagging the bestie: @skrtbabe

//

Know that I loved you so bad

I let you treat me like that

I was your willing accomplice, honey

//

as you walked into the near-empty classroom, you made a beeline for the closest seat to the window. if you were going to be stuck in detention for two hours, you might as well have a nice view. you let out a short sigh to yourself, one hour and fifty eight minutes to go. the supervising teacher was lazily marking her class’ essays, completely choosing to ignore the entrance of na jaemin. he gave her a subtle scoff before stumbling past the desk, making his way to sit behind you. you heard him roughly place his bag onto the surface of his desk. you’d be lying if you said you didn’t want to look back and see what he was up to. jaemin was always a mystery to you, and to everyone else in the school. despite keeping himself away from the majority, people had quite a lot to say about the boy. you heard rumours that he got stabbed (which you didn’t believe at all) but your classmate, haechan, insists he had video evidence. if anything, you don’t think you had ever spoken to jaemin in your entire life, but that was all about to change.

thirty minutes into detention and you were beyond bored. everybody was either catching up on school work or trying their best to not be caught on their phones. you opted to staring out the window, eyes following the movements of a particular butterfly. eventually, the butterfly decided it was time to leave your line of sight, causing you to let out a short huff. you heard a soft chuckle, belonging to the previously silent boy behind you. you slowly turned to face him, his eyes immediately latching to meet yours. he had his chin perched on top of his right palm, a cunning grin on his face. you gave him a glare,

“what are you laughing at?” you faintly whisper to him. this caught him off guard, he didn’t expect you to sound so stern.

“an explosion is about to happen” you grew to be more confused, what is he talking about?

“wha-“

“i’ll be right back! s-stay where you are!” your teacher suddenly blurts out, rushing out of her room as fast as she could. the rest of the students all looked over at eachother, some even opting to leave detention entirely.

you turned back to the snickering boy, who clearly had something to do with it.

“what the hell did you do?”

“put laxatives in her coffee” your jaw dropped, how the hell did he manage to do that?

“w-what’s wrong with you?”

“what’s wrong with you? learn to live a little” he suddenly stood up, slinging his bag across his body. his eyes still stayed on you, silently asking for you to follow him. this was one hell of a first impression. you weren’t sure what took over you in that moment, but you found yourself trailing behind na jaemin like a lost puppy as he led you both out of the school gates. he didn’t speak much to you, aimlessly walking to wherever the hell he needed to be.

“so what did you get into detention for?” he suddenly asked you, causing you to stiffen. you weren’t a stranger to getting into trouble, your short temper often being the root of your issues. but you weren’t exactly the most comfortable talking to new people.

“ah you’re a bit shy? i’ll start then, i stole lee haechan’s clothes after gym practice” he smirked to himself, feeling some sense of pride.

“that was you? he was running around school butt naked because of you” you couldn’t help but chuckle at the memory of seeing two full ass cheeks after your history class.

“that’s what he gets for claiming that he has proof i got stabbed? which is ridiculous by the way” jaemin shakes his head before coming to a complete stop. you slightly bump into his right shoulder, quickly stabilising yourself before looking at the quiet cafe infront of you.

“hungry?” you nodded in response, following him into the cafe. he seemed to have known some of the workers, earning you a free croissant and hot chocolate.

“so, i told you why i got into detention, now it’s your turn” he chimed, clearly entertained by having you as company.

“i punched kim yuna in the face” you slightly cringed at your own words. you weren’t the one to be physical in your confrontations, but this girl really struck a nerve.

“sheesh, i saw her earlier, you gave her nose a good bruising, i must say” he couldn’t help but find the entire thing entertaining. this was so odd to you, every person that had witnessed it, thought you went crazy. but here jaemin was, laughing at the situation.

“you think this is funny?” you asked curiously, rather than in a judgemental manner.

“well yeah, i don’t know why you did it, but she probably deserved it” he shrugged, taking a bite of his own pastry. you felt your shoulders begin to relax, infact your entire demeanour had changed. jaemin was the only person that didn’t push you to admit your faults and apologise. he didn’t need to know the whole story, he just took your words for what they were.

the next hour consisted of you and jaemin, sharing stories on some of the mischievous things you had gotten up to in the past. from small things like setting off stink bombs during an exam, to running from the mall cops after stealing a pair of pants from a store. jaemin liked your reactions to his stories, at first your face would be full of shock, then turn into some sort of enlightenment. he found it quite endearing to watch. he wasn’t too bad on the eyes either.

“need me to walk you home?”

“i don’t need you to do anything for me” jaemin just smirked at your response,

“but i wouldn’t mind if you did”

“ah i see how it’s going to be”

“what do you mean?”

“our relationship, it’s going to be very push and pull” what on earth was he on about?

“you got that from just spending a few hours with me?” jaemin nodded, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets.

“i think we’ll be spending a lot of time together” was all he said back. if you had told yourself earlier that day, that you’d become na jaemin’s partner in crime, you’d punch yourself in the face. but this was only the beginning.

//

from that day onwards, you would purposely seek out jaemin’s presence. whether it be you walking to the most isolated parts of school, or simply trying to get into detention in the case he was there again. as a result of the laxative prank, jaemin had earned a two week long suspension. you had caught wind of this information from the school’s chatterbox, haechan. you’d think after being humiliated by jaemin, he’d keep his name out of his mouth.

you decided to visit the same cafe you accompanied jaemin to, incase he was hanging out there. you weren’t sure why you wanted to be around him so much. if anything, you were more at risk of getting another detention, or becoming a social outcast. but you were going to take those chances.

as you entered the cafe, your eyes scanned near and far for any sight of the black haired boy. you were about to give up, when you heard a voice,

“stalking me now?” you immediately froze, too nervous to turn back. you felt jaemin’s hand on your shoulder, slowly turning your around to face him.

“i-i no it’s not what it looks like-“

“it’s fine, you must have missed me, no?” he let a cocky grin land on his face. you just rolled your eyes, ready to walk right back out that door.

“let’s get up to some trouble today” he gripped your wrist gently, dragging you out of the cafe. he didn’t let go of you, once again, you were aimlessly following him. why did you let him do this to you?

jaemin wasn’t too much of a talker, he tended to try and speak with his eyes. you found it interesting, the way he expected you to know exactly what was on his mind. he eventually stopped walking after reaching an abandoned building. you were beginning to feel slightly anxious, noticing that the sun was slowly setting and the breeze was getting cooler. jaemin plopped his carry bag on the concrete floor, you heard clinking sounds erupt from the bag. he moved to pull out a few spray cans.

“ever graffitied?” you shook your head,

“not spray painting, but i’ve drawn some not so pleasant pictures in the bathroom stalls” you shrug as he handed you a can of bright yellow spray paint. he slightly chuckled at your anecdote, which made you look down at the ground.

“well you won’t get in trouble for messing up this place”

“what is this place anyway?” you start to shake the can, watching as jaemin started spraying onto the blank wall.

“somewhere i come when i don’t feel like going home” you weren’t sure if you wanted to press him to elaborate, so you just nodded, beginning to spray a random design of your own.

jaemin found hanging around you quite amusing. you were always up for anything he wanted to do. you seemed so cheerful about the simplest things, and never pushed him to explain the questionable things about himself. you were a lot different than the people he would usually surround himself with. but like many things in na jaemin’s life, they often went sour very quickly.

//

And I watched as you fled the scene

Doe-eyed as you buried me

One heart broke, four hands bloody

//

jaemin had asked you to accompany him to the abandoned building one night. you were half asleep and freezing to death as you approached his car. it was quite beat up, making you worried,

“is this thing even safe to be driving?” you groan as you wrap yourself in your large puffer jacket. jaemin had previously insisted you bring a sleeping bag and pillow. you chose not to question it, too tired to argue back with him.

“don’t disrespect my sweet ride! be grateful i didn’t make you walk in the cold” he scoffed before starting the engine. the car ride was fairly quiet, you were drifting in and out of sleep, in which jaemin noticed. he thought you looked so peaceful, so he tried his best not to make any sharp turns or run over many speed bumps. in a matter of time, he parked the car, gently wiggling your shoulder. you woke up instantly, feeling his cold hand on your cheek. you furrowed your eyebrows before following him out of the car. he led you to the same wall you both had graffitied on before, but this time, it seemed to have become a complete picture.

“i wanted to show you this! isn’t it cool?” he gleamed, pulling you to his side, slightly rubbing your shoulder to warm you up. you quickly ignored his touch, focusing back on the wall. it was a mirage of different doodles and words that must have meant something to jaemin.

“this is amazing, you did this all by yourself?”

“yeah, i really wanted to see your reaction”

“what does it all mean?”

“it’s kind of a representation of what goes on in my mind? i’m not the best with expressing my feelings with words, so i decided to let it out on this wall” jaemin spoke with such ease, his voice filling your ears with warmth. he pulled you closer to him when he saw you shiver,

“care to share?” you slightly joked. jaemin never got too deep with you, so you assumed he would brush the comment off. but he just stares back at you, his eyes piercing into your own. you held your breath as he leaned in closer to you.

“sure thing” he slowly leads you back to the car, turning on the heater as you both wrapped yourselves in sleeping bags. you were huddled up in the back seat, your head leaning on his shoulder as he played with his fingers.

“i never had an outlet for my imagination. my parents weren’t the most warm or loving people in the world. i barely remember anything from my childhood, except for the unpleasant memories. when i started hanging out with some of the older kids, they showed me the ropes of their crew. they taught me how to graffiti, how to carve things with a pocket knife, you know, basic seventh grade stuff” he let out a soft chuckle, but you didn’t laugh. instead you placed your hand over his, feeling the coldness shoot through your body.

“i-i don’t like showing how i feel. because i think it makes me weak, or pitiful. that’s a bad way of thinking, but i can’t help it. so i let out my frustrations here, by either spray painting or smashing random things. it’s nice to get it all out” he stops speaking, his posture suddenly stiffening. you lifted your head from his shoulder, forcing him to look over at you.

“i’m here to listen to you. you don’t have to result to destroying things in order to reveal your feelings. you can just talk to me next time, okay?” you assured him, tightening your grip on his hand. jaemin just nodded, his eyes faltering from yours. why were you so considerate towards him?

“wanna know why i punched yuna in the face?” you saw jaemin crack a smile, nodding frantically.

“she said some things about my family, how they only took me in because they felt sorry for me. see, i’m actually a foster kid, my real parents weren’t in the ‘right state of mind’ to take care of me. well, in the eyes of the law atleast” jaemin didn’t know how to respond, opting to pulling your head back into his shoulder.

“i know she was just trying to rile me up, my foster parents aren’t terrible. but hearing those words just struck a nerve. how can people be so judgmental?”

“that’s just life, love. everyone will always have their own opinions, but it’s up to you, on how to respond. or you can simply choose to ignore them, it’s always worked for me” jaemin started tracing small patterns on the back of your hand, feeling his eyes become drowsy.

“but i don’t want to always ignore my problems. i want to be able to face them, how else will i grow as a person?” you sighed,

“we grow each and every day, most of the time we don’t notice. you’re doing better than you think. sure, you’ll grow up soon enough, you’ll develop your own identity, but for now, enjoy the moment. don’t care too much about what others think, this is your life to lead” jaemin looked down at you, feeling a warm sensation reach his heart.

“for someone who doesn’t like speaking his mind, you sure give some great advice. promise we’ll be there for eachother?” you pull out your pinky finger from his grip, watching as he blinks for a few seconds. you sensed some hesitation, but blamed it on him being tired. eventually, jaemin linked his pink with yours, sealing it with a gentle press of his lips. you couldn’t hide how flustered you had gotten, burying your head in his chest as he started stroking your hair.

“thankyou for being with me tonight” he mumbled as he felt himself fall asleep,

“anytime”

//

sometimes jaemin would leave you hanging for days on end. at first you would get concerned, mainly for his own safety. you were never sure what he got up to in his spare time, and to be honest, you didn’t want to know. but after a certain amount of days, he would pop back into your life that nothing happened, as if no time had passed. today was one of those days. he was sitting on your bedroom floor, flicking through your history notes. you couldn’t pry your eyes away from him, he looked so peaceful.

“you’re so much smarter than me” he huffs, scratching his head as he closed your notebook.

“no way, i’m pretty average. you’re more street smart than i am” jaemin perks up at your words,

“i guess i am huh” he smirks to himself, making you slightly smile.

“i can help you study if you want, you need a pass, right?” you scooted over to him, sitting so that your shoulders brushed against eachother.

“well yes, technically. but passing doesn’t secure i’ll get into college. not that i can even go” he shrugs, eyes focused on his rings, beginning to fiddle with them.

“what do you mean?”

“i don’t have the grades, my parents barely have any money saved for my college fund. i don’t have a job, you see the issue here?” you sensed him stiffen up next to you, this topic clearly striking a nerve within him. you placed a hand on his shoulder, gently squeezing it,

“you know college isn’t for everyone. i’m sure you will be able to live a good life” jaemin knew you were trying your best to cheer him up. but these were constant thoughts and struggles he had been dealing with for what seemed like a lifetime. he knew you would never fully understand, and he couldn’t be mad at you for that.

“y-yeah, i’ll be fine” he sighs, linking is fingers with yours. you worried about jaemin so much, it slowly began to take over your mind. you caught yourself thinking about him more often, how you wanted to be there for him during his dark times. but jaemin always shoved off the idea of getting too deep with his emotions. sure, he trusted you with most things, but there was always a thought in the back of his mind. you were way too good for him.

//

“what is this?” you smiled brightly at the boy standing across from you. he was leant up against your locker, gift bag in his hands, shoving it towards you.

“a token of my appreciation for our growing friendship” you chose to ignore the last word, your feelings towards jaemin still being undecided.

you slowly open the bag, your eyes landing on a small box. you furrowed your eyebrows, before opening it.

“t-this is beautiful, jaemin. how did you afford this?” you gasped, pulling out the shiny necklace from the delicate box. it was a silver chain, that sparkled under the light at just the right angle. there was a small pendent latched onto it, a butterfly.

“don’t worry about that, do you like it?” he grinned at you, taking in your ecstatic reaction,

“of course! i cant thank you enough!”

you pull him into a warm hug, arms tightening around his torso. jaemin chuckled softly, bringing his arms to wrap around your frame, slowly swaying you side to side.

“being there for me is enough, i promise”

//

The things I did

Just so I could call you mine

The things you did

Well, I hope I was your favorite crime

//

the following few days, jaemin went MIA again. you were beginning to become annoyed by his lack of communication. you wanted to believe he was gone for good reason, but something in your gut sensed something worse was happening. that’s when you decided to go to the abandoned building, remembering he often went there when he wanted to be alone. not having a car of your own caused many issues in your life. like right now, you were huffing and puffing once you hopped off your bicycle. you quickly set it aside, making your way to the building. before you turned to the main corridor that you met jaemin in many times before, you heard hushed voices, one belonging to the boy in question.

“we need this deal done asap. no excuses” a deep voice echoes through the building. you couldn’t get a good look at them without being caught, so you remained hidden behind a huge slab of concrete.

“b-but what if they think i’m scamming them because i’m new?” jaemin squeaked. you had never heard him so worried before.

“well you better think of some way to get them to buy, we can’t risk anymore losses. take this as initiation into the big boys club” what the hell was going on?

soon enough, the small group of men had left the building, walking past the concrete slab you were hiding behind. you let out a sigh of relief before rushing to jaemin. his eyes widened at the sight of you, part of him wanting to yell at you for being so stupid.

“what are you doing here?!” he was mad.

“i could ask you the same thing” you scoffed. jaemin suddenly became quiet, eyes avoiding yours.

“what’s going on? and i want the truth. the whole truth” he just sighed, dragging you back to his car. you folded your arms, in disbelief from what you had heard prior.

“i-i’m helping them with some deals okay? it’s just a side hustle to get some cash, i want to get out of this town. this is the only way”

“what are you dealing? drugs?” you gasped, watching as jaemin snapped his neck to face you.

“yes, it’s not as bad as you think-“

“not as bad? they’re literally part of a gang. do you know what happens to people who don’t seal these deals?” you couldn’t believe what you were hearing.

“i know the risks. but i’m desperate. i just need enough to buy an apartment in another city and finally start my life” jaemin doesn’t know why he’s bothering trying to explain this to you. he brushed his fingers through his hair roughly, letting out a groan as he did so.

“when i said there are ways for you to live a good life, i didn’t mean deal drugs. i meant get an apprenticeship or something! literally anything but this”

“there’s nothing you can do to change my mind. i already swore i’d do this deal. i need the money. you wouldn’t understand” jaemin struck back, feeling attacked by your words.

“what the hell is that supposed to mean? i-i can’t do this. come back to me when you’ve come to your senses. this is stupid and you know it” you rush out of his car, causing jaemin to trail behind you as you stumbled to find your bike.

“come with me” you stopped in your tracks.

“pardon?”

“come with me to the deal. i-i don’t want to go alone” he says barely above a whisper,

“you’re crazy if you think i’ll follow you like a lost pup-“ jaemin pressed his lips on yours, hands stuck to your waist, gently rubbing your sides as he deepened the kiss. your words became jumbled as he continued to kiss you. as much as you wanted to argue back with him, feeling his lips on yours was only something you had experienced in your dreams.

“please” he whispered, pulling away from you momentarily.

“o-okay” you whispered back, hands now on his shoulders. jaemin smirked with pride before pulling you in once again. he led you back to his car, dragging you into the backseat. he began trailing kisses down your neck, erupting a pleased sigh from you. and just like that, you were wrapped around his silly little finger.

//

you were now seated in the passenger seat of jaemin’s busted ass car. your nerves were off the charts, and so were his. you had never seen him so anxious before, he was breathing in quick successions and couldn’t stop shaking.

“just get it over and done with...okay? get in and get out” you try your best to ease his nerves but how much could you really say? you were encouraging him to commit to a drug deal, this was not how you expected your friday night to go.

jaemin just nodded, clutching onto something in his jacket pocket. he pressed a soft kiss to your forehead, gently stroking your hair as he did so.

“thankyou for coming with me” he mumbled. you just nodded, trying to ignore your intense gut feeling that something was going to go wrong. he led you by your waist into the noisy bar. you kept your head down, allowing jaemin to gain sight of the clients. he didn’t let you approach the group of men, so you tried to distract yourself with a random fruity cocktail from the bar. it wasn’t enough to push aside your worries.

after what seemed like hours, you caught sight of jaemin, who seemed like he was in a rush. he quickly scooped you away from your seat, swiftly leading you out of the bar. before you could even open your mouth, he interjects,

“no time for questions, get in the car now” he harshly shoved you into the passenger seat. now you were more worried than before.

“what the fuck is going on?!” jaemin didn’t answer you, starting the engine of the car. before you could press him any further, the same group of men rushed out of the bar, eyes scanning for the boy next to you. this wasn’t good.

“may or may not have given them the wrong amount...nothing a little hide and seek can’t fix!” jaemin tried to laugh it off, but you knew he was equally as scared. his dingy car wouldn’t start, adding to the panic in the atmosphere. the group of men were already in their own vehicle, approaching jaemin’s car rather quickly.

“fuck fuck fuck” he began shouting, slamming his foot on the accelerator as the car hurled forward. in a matter of time, he was speeding down the street. he probably ran a couple red lights and a few stop signs, but he wasn’t fazed. you on the other hand, were about to throw up. jaemin kept taking sharp turns to throw off the car chasing you, he barely looked back. you were terrified in this moment. anything could go wrong, one wrong turn, and it could all be over. soon enough, he stopped right outside the all too familiar abandoned building. he was out of breath, the adrenaline still present in his system. you were completely frozen, still in shock at what had occurred.

“wasn’t that riveting?” he smirked. he fucking smirked?

“are you kidding me? that was fucking insane. d-don’t do this again. i don’t want any part of this anymore” you began tearing up, feeling your heart pump out of your chest. jaemin’s face dropped as he tried to hold your hand, in which you pulled away immediately.

“t-take me home. please.” he didn’t say anything back to you. he respected your wishes and took you home safely. you didn’t even want to think about the punishment he would receive from the gang for messing up the deal. the only thought of your mind was your own safety. jaemin risked your safety this time around. you would have done anything for him, but in this moment, you were beginning to regret it. na jaemin was trouble. and you needed to stay away from trouble.

//

staying away from na jaemin was harder than you thought. subtle glances from across the classroom or school courtyard wasn’t doing you any good. so you sought refuge in the library. somehow he managed to find you there too.

“y/n, please, talk to me” you continued to read the novel you weren’t interested in, trying your best to remain angry. he sat across from you, pulling down the book from your face, eyes begging to meet yours.

“there’s nothing left to say” he just sighs, never seeing you be so stubborn.

“i know what i did was wrong, i shouldn’t have put you in that posit-“

“can we please not discuss this here? where anyone can hear us?” you quickly interrupt him, pulling him to the school parking lot. out of habit, jaemin led you to his car, opening the passenger side door for you. you got chills as you sat in the seat once again, the memories flooding back.

“i-i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have brought you into it. i just didn’t want to be alone...you’re the only person who doesn’t make me feel alone.” jaemin could barely look at you, too embarrassed of being vulnerable.

“you know how i’m against what you’re doing. and i know i can’t change your mind. i just can’t keep worrying about your safety. it hurts me knowing that you could get hurt one day” you began sniffling, which made jaemin’s heart ache. he pulled your face to meet his own, staring at your soft features. he slowly guided his fingers to wipe away your tears.

“don’t worry too much about me, love. i’ll be just fine” he pressed a soft kiss to your lips, and just like that, you were dragged right back into his arms.

“be careful” you whispered against his lips,

“always”

//

You used me as an alibi

I crossed my heart as you crossed the line

And I defended you to all my friends

//

jaemin wasn’t careful. not in the slightest. he showed up at your window, hands clutching to his lower torso area as he stumbled into your room. you hushed him to be as quiet as he could but you immediately knew something was wrong. he practically fell to his knees, soft whimpers and sighs leaving his mouth. you quickly moved to turn on your lights, taking a better look at the boy in pain. your eyes travelled along his face, covered in scratches and bruises.

“you good with playing medic tonight?” he joked, trying to relieve the tension. but you were not having any of it. you pulled him into your bed, allowing him to lay on his back. he had an array of cuts over his body, including a large gash on his lower lip. you swiftly rushed to the bathroom, grabbing your not so impressive first aid kit, but it would have to do for now. you tried your best to disinfect what you cold, until you reached his torso. you saw there were specks of blood leaking onto his t shirt, which made you more worried than you were initially. jaemin just sighed, lifting up his shirt slowly. your eyes were glued on the painful wound plastered on the right side of his body.

“d-did someone stab you?!” you felt tears prickle the side of your eyes. how could he be so stupid?

“n-no, its just a cut, it’s not even that deep” he tried to play it off, but the moment you pressed the cleansing wipe onto the wound, he winced.

“stop playing the tough guy. i hate when you play tough guy” you groan, trying your best to tend to his wound. jaemin watched as your expression changed from one of concern, to annoyance.

“hey, don’t be mad at me, okay?” he brought his hand to hover over your thigh, gently stroking his fingers on the surface.

“i’m sorry” he whispered, trying his best to sit up, but you immediately pushed him back down. you moved to lay next to him, allowing yourself to finally look him in the eyes.

“i can’t always be here to take care of you like this, jaemin. as much as i want to, there are going to be times where i just can’t. you have to understand that”

“of course, i didn’t expect you to be my personal nurse or anything. i just don’t want you to leave” his words sank deeply into your thoughts.

“i-i won’t leave”

“thankyou. i promise i will take you out and we will have fun. like old times. we can go on a road trip, or even that stupid homecoming dance you keep talking about. i’ll do anything to make it up to you because i ca-“ he immediately stopped himself, clutching his side.

“just get some rest, we can continue this discussion another day. goodnight jaem” you just sighed, turning on your back to face him. jaemin didn’t know why he couldn’t finish his sentence. he does care about you. more than anyone else in the world. but why couldn’t he just say it?

you on the other hand, were too busy imagining your future with jaemin. would he be there as your partner in crime for life? or was he just someone passing by to teach you a lesson? you weren’t too sure you wanted to find out.

//

“y/n, principal lee wants to see you in his office” your economics teacher informed you during class, eyes of classmates following you as you left the room. you swore you hadn’t done anything remotely mischievous lately, besides snatching a cheat sheet for the upcoming final.

“ah yes y/n, please take a seat” principal lee invited you into his office. you tried your best to stay focused on the stubby man in front of you but you couldn’t ignore the two police officers standing to the side.

“you wanted to see me, sir?”

“yes, these officers are here to ask you some questions. don’t worry, you aren’t in trouble. they just need some information for their investigation” he explains as best he could, shifting the conversation over to the two officers.

“as principal lee mentioned, we just need information. are you comfortable with us asking you a few questions?” you slowly nodded, hands beginning to clam up.

“we have reason to believe your friend, na jaemin, has been involved in an incident that occurred last thursday. he claims he was present with you that night. can you confirm this?” you immediately froze. you swore you didn’t even blink. that was the night he came to your window, all banged up a bruised. but you couldn’t tell them that part. so you went with a variation of the truth,

“yes, he was with me, we often study together and watch movies on thursdays.” you tried your best to maintain eye contact, not wanting to draw any more attention.

“have you noticed anything odd in his behaviour lately?” you knew they were just following protocol, but you weren’t prepared for any of this.

“not really. he is quite reserved naturally, but there hasn’t been anything too alarming, in my opinion” the officers just nodded, scribbling down your words.

“thankyou for your time, if we were to need any more statements from you, would you be okay with that?” you simply nodded, wanting nothing more than to get back to class.

“great, we’ll be heading off now, thankyou principal lee, and y/n” you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding in. what in god’s name happened that night?

“why were the cops coming out of the office? did you do something?” your friend, jimin asked you as she rushed to your side.

“n-no, they were asking about jaemin” you sighed. you didn’t want to tell her much, knowing she wasn’t his biggest fan.

“y/n, you have to stop hanging out with him so much. he’s bad news. i mean, he’s got the cops questioning you? is that someone you really want to be with?” you knew she had your best interest at heart, but she didn’t know jaemin like you did. no one did.

“don’t talk about him like he’s some pest in my life. he makes me happy, okay? i’d do pretty much anything for him” you huff, beginning to walk away.

“but would he do anything for you?” her words made you stop in your tracks. she was right to question that. god, even you questioned it sometimes. would he?

//

And now every time a siren sounds

I wondеr if you're around

'Cause you know that I'd do it all again

//

jaemin insisted he take you to the homecoming dance — he even pinky promised you.

“jaemin! i’m so excited for tonight, what time are you coming by?” you excitedly squeal into the phone, making jaemin slightly chuckle.

“uh love, i-i don’t think i can make it tonight” you felt your heart drop.

“what? why?”

“i have some business to take care of. i promise you i’ll take you out soo-“

“i think you should stop making promises you can’t keep. hope you have fun doing whatever you’re doing” you immediately hung up, wiping the stray tears from your face. you quickly pulled yourself together. showing up alone to the homecoming dance after you told your friends you were going with jaemin, was probably one of the most embarrassing things you had ever experienced. they all felt pity for you, dragging you to dance, trying to get you to forget about jaemin. but nothing was working. you were beyond disappointed, partially in yourself, for believing he could actually keep his promise.

the moment you got home, you saw someone sitting on the steps just outside your front door. you let out a loud sigh, hoping he heard everything. you wanted to push right past him and go to bed, but jaemin trapped you in his arms. you felt something was off about him. he was stiff as a board, he didn’t say anything to you. you finally got a glimpse of his face, his right eye was swollen and there was a slight gash on his cheek. you immediately gasped, all your anger towards him had fizzled away.

“w-what happened?” you barely whispered, bringing your hand to the side of his face. jaemin winced as he felt the touch, quickly pulling away.

“finally got what was coming” he tried to laugh it off, but he knew you weren’t going to laugh back. instead, you allowed him to follow you to your room, hoping your parents were fast sleep.

jaemin slowly made his way to sit on your bed. you felt like he had something else he was hiding from you, but your main focus was yet again, tending to his wounds.

“i’m getting some real déjà vu right now” you sighed, cleaning his face. jaemin tried his best to not move, but everything stung. he really got it bad this time.

“i’m sorry for breaking my promise. i know how much the dance meant to you” he softly muttered, eyes avoiding yours.

“i-it’s okay”

“no it’s not! you do so much for me, and i couldn’t even do this one thing for you. i feel so shitty. why do you even keep me around? i’m deadweight and that’s trouble for someone with wings” he scoffs, replaying harsh words he had heard from others in the past. you slowly plucked away the medical kit, turning to face him properly. (a/n: not me using a quote from the show ‘panic’)

“you’re not deadweight...you’re a good person, jaem. you’re good to me, that’s what matters” you gently push away the stray strands of hair that covered his forehead. he smiled at your touch, leaning into your palm as you brought it to cup his cheek.

“i love you”

you almost choked on your own saliva...he loves you?

“w-what?”

“yikes, not the response i was hoping for” he yet again, tried to relieve the tension with a joke. but you weren’t having any of it.

“can you be serious for one minute in your life? you can’t just say something like that and not expect me to freak out! i mean, do i love you too? of course i do! i would be stupid not to, but jaemin, you cant just spit that out of nowhere!” you began pacing around your room, which made jaemin smile even wider.

“well i just did. and i mean it” he stood to meet you, standing in the middle of your room as he held your shoulders in place.

“s-so what happens now?” jaemin hesitated for a moment, did he just ruin everything?

“we can’t be together”

“pardon?”

“i-i can’t do that to you. i can’t let you be with someone like me. i’m constant danger. the cops are going to get me one day, and i don’t want you to see it happen” he started rambling, you were barely understanding anything.

“this makes no sense. you’re telling me that you love me but you can’t be with me? why would you do this to me?” you started sobbing,

“i-i don’t expect you to understand. i just needed to tell you before...” he paused, pulling you closer to him. but you pushed yourself away. you didn’t want to hear anymore but forced yourself to listen. you needed answers.

“before what?” you gritted through your teeth,

“before i leave” your eyes widened, tears stopped flowing for a moment. you couldn’t make out any words, allowing jaemin to explain,

“i cant stay here, not in this town. i need to go somewhere else. somewhere they won’t find me. somewhere i can start over” he sighed, sitting back down on your bed.

“take me with you! we can go tonight, i don’t care where i am, as long as you’re with me i’ll be okay!” you begged, pulling out your duffel bag from under your bed. but jaemin quickly gripped your wrists, pulling you to sit with him on the bed.

“y-you can’t come with me. it’s not fair on you, or me. i want you to have a better life, a life with no regrets. you have so many goals, i can’t hold you back from them. i won’t” he insisted, holding your hands in his as he pleaded you with his eyes. you weren’t thinking straight, everything became so overwhelming.

“why are you doing this to me? i cant do this without you! i cant get through all of this without you. please don’t leave” your hands began to shake. jaemin brought them to his lips, placing soft pecks on each knuckle in an attempt to calm you down.

“you can. i know you can. because you’re you. an incredibly loyal, intelligent and courageous person. you don’t need me. if anything, i need you more” he smirked at the last part. you kept shaking your head, not believing anything he was saying.

“just promise me one thing?” he whispered, leaning in closer to you so that your foreheads touched.

“don’t forget me. don’t forget all the things we got up to. i had so much fun with you, more fun than i’ve had in my entire life. i can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me. i love you, okay? i’ll always love you” finally, he kissed you. his hands dragged to your waist, rubbing over the soft skin. you shined into the kiss, partially still upset with his departure.

“can we just have one last night together?” you pulled away, wiping away the rest of your tears. jaemin softly nodded, pulling you down onto the bed, wrapping his arms around you.

“thankyou for being my partner in crime. i’ll miss you” he sighed, gently scribbling random doodles on your arm with his fingers.

“i miss you already. maybe one day, we’ll meet again? i don’t know, am i being silly?” you didn’t want him to answer, afraid he’d break another promise.

“you’re not silly at all. we’ll see what life has planned for us” he responded. that was enough for you. you’ll leave it up to fate. you were just happy you were spending one last night with the boy you loved so dearly.

//

It's bittersweet to think about the damage that we'd do

'Cause I was goin' down, but I was doin' it with you

Yeah, everything we broke and all the trouble that we made

But I say that I hate you with a smile on my face

Oh, look what we became

//

you awoke the very next morning in an empty bed. your heart sunk, knowing jaemin was gone had finally hit you. your eyes drifted to where he once was, landing on a piece of paper.

‘go to the building for one last goodbye. i hope you like it.

- jaem <3 ‘

you quickly got changed and rushed there as fast as you could. would he be there to bid you farewell? you weren’t betting on it, but was still curious as to what he had to show you. you made your way into the building, your eyes cascading over all the graffiti. finally, you saw exactly what he left for you. he painted over the mural you both worked on. it had been replaced with a painting of a butterfly. its wings were all different colours, you could tell he spent ages on it. you finally reached the bottom of the artwork, a small inscription was engraved,

‘for the one with the wings, keep on soaring’

“so cheesy, i hate it” you joke to yourself, smiling at his words. this was his final gift for you. as you admired the painting once again, memories of all your little adventures came rushing back. everything you did together seemed like an eternity ago. although you wished you had confessed to him sooner, or kissed him harder, you knew that he was gone for good. jaemin wasn’t the time to keep many promises, so you’ve learnt. you started to put your faith in the universe. if you were meant to be, then you would meet again. but for now, you were content with everything you had gone through together. you were grateful to have known someone as amazing as jaemin, and you would never take that for granted. you only hoped he would do the same, no matter where you both were in life. you hoped you could both grow wings and soar through life without any regrets.

[princessphilly]

Plain Jane Chapter 2

Word Count: 2391

CW: a mention of P K*ne, allusions to issues with alcohol, references to being in the closet

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I’m too damn stubborn for my own good. I admit it; I don’t like to lose or be wrong. I hate being wrong. Well, I hate losing money more than anything else. But I really hate losing or being wrong after that. - Journal 10/12

One year later

Jamila couldn’t help but look at Jonathan Toews as he sat at the table for this charity dinner. He really was more handsome in person than in the pictures. But the guy sitting next to him was just as good looking as him, in her opinion. He was rougher looking with long auburn hair and blue eyes and probably a good decade older than her, just the way that Jamila liked it. The only issue was… Duncs was nice but he wasn’t as exciting as Jonathan Toews. But Jamila told Shan and Mel that she was going to fuck Duncan Keith and she always got her man. Plus, it didn’t help that Jonathan always has something smart to say which made Jamila more dedicated to fucking Duncs. 

But it seemed like that wasn’t going to happen. Jamila was frustrated; she knew she was gorgeous and she was used to getting her way. But Duncs had a preference for blondes and.. Jamila had no desire to dye her hair blonde anytime soon. Plus, she hated the fact that she was going to lose because then Jonathan would hold it over her. 

Normally, Jon wouldn’t give a fuck that a girl wanted Duncs over him. He knew exactly where he stood with the vast majority of women and that he could have anyone he wanted. But he really, for some reason, wanted her. It had been over a year since they met and she was still hung up over Duncs. Granted, during that time, Jon was recovering from an injury and was at home in Winnipeg. Now, he was back and he wanted Jamila, even though she was supposed to be Cizisky’s girl. Jon had pulled the younger defenseman to the side and asked him about her and Cizisky straight up said that she was just going out with him as a friend to events. So Jon knew that Jamila was basically single and available.

Jamila was smiling in Duncs face but whenever he talked to her, she got angry and flustered. Jon knew she really wasn’t that interested in Duncs. He could tell by the way Jamila got closer to him when they argued that she really liked him. But the stubborn woman didn’t want to admit it. 

As the captain, Jon was used to solving problems. But this was a problem that he couldn’t solve and he was becoming frustrated.

**

It wasn’t fair how intense those dark brown eyes were. And they had been focused on her while Jamila attempted to flirt with Duncs. Jamila had to admit she was failing and it was annoying her. He was being polite but she knew she was being brushed off.

She could hear Jonathan; “Duncs isn’t interested. Aren’t you tired of wasting your time?” All of that paired with a mocking look. She was done doing favors for Shan’s cousin. Next time he needed a plus one, he could find someone else.

“Tired of shooting wide?”

“Really, a hockey metaphor?” Jamila rolled her eyes while Jonathan chuckled. He really was tired of watching Jamila flirt with Duncs. She wasn’t his usual type but Jonathan wanted to be her type. Once Duncs made it clear that he wasn’t interested, Jonathan decided it was time to try his luck.

“Good, you’re learning about the game! But are you tired?”

“What do you mean?”

Jonathan was tall enough that while she wore 5-inch heels, Jamila still had to look up at him a bit. He licked his lips and once again, Jamila felt those unwanted shivers. Jonathan smirked before saying, “Stop pretending you’re interested in Duncs when we both know that you really want me.”

“You’re so conceited,” Jamila retorted. A small part of her said he was right but her pride hurt so fuck him.

Jonathan gave her a devilish grin. “Fuck me? We can make that happen.”

Jamila’s eyes grew wide when she realized she said that out loud. “Captain Serious? More like Captain Dickhead!” Jamila rolled her eyes as she gave him a once over.

Then Jon shocked her. “That was a bit too much, I’m sorry,” he said. The earnest look in his eyes told Jamila he was telling the truth. “But seriously, you’re wasting your time.”

Jamila sighed deeply. She knew he was right but her ego didn’t want to let her admit it. Jamila just grimaced before pushing away from Jonathan. 

For the rest of the night, Jamila kept mostly to herself and Alex, nursing her wine. She was tempted to get something stronger, very tempted, but she kept herself to her one glass of wine. It helped that Alex was watching her like a hawk, as if he knew that Jamila was in a mood. As soon as he was able to, Alex made his goodbyes, escorting Jamila out to the valet.

“What happened, Mila?”

Jamila sighed as Alex’s car was brought up. “Nothing, buddy. Nothing.”

Alex wisely didn’t press it as he got his keys from the valet, opening the door for Jamila and closing it after she got in. Once he was in the car and driving away, he said, “You’ve been in a mood since you talked with Tazer. Did he say something that triggered you? I’ll tell him to back off if he’s triggering you, Mila.”

Jamila sighed. “He didn’t say anything that triggered me, per se, but you know I hate being wrong.”

“Yeah, because you’re very wrong about Duncs… I’ve been telling you that for months,” Alex cracked.

Rolling her eyes, Jamila replied, “Jonathan basically said the same thing. Then he hit on me, again.”

“I thought you enjoyed verbally sparring with him. It’s entertaining as fuck.”

“Fuck you too, Alex!”

Alex snorted as he said, “I would if I liked pussy.”

“Talking about that, have you thought of coming out,” Jamila asked. 

Alex looked at the road as he thought about his words. Then he said, “I could but I feel the same ones who talk about ‘You Can Play’ and all of that aren’t as accepting as they pretend to be. I mean, Tazer would be supportive, probably Duncs, maybe Kaner, Brinks, Murph, but the rest of the guys… I don’t want to risk it right now.”

Jamila reached over, placing a hand on her friend’s shoulder. That was a lot to have to deal with. “People fucking suck, man.”

“I know. Thanks for being my plus-one, Mila. I will always support you, even when people are asking me to call you names when you finally get with the captain.”

Jamila laughed, tears forming in her eyes at the idea of dating Jonathan. “That was very funny, Alex, you should become a comedian.”

Smirking, Alex turned into the parking lot of the building that they lived in. They had separate units, Jamila’s bigger and more expensive, but it was still home. “Jamila, your eyes still follow Tazer everywhere he goes when you two are at the same place. It’s a matter of time, well, it’s a matter of how stubborn you are about it.”

**

As Jamila walked into her condo, she thought about Alex and his words. She felt a bit bad for him; locker room culture was real and it sucked that Alex couldn’t fully be himself yet. At the same time, Jamila wasn’t fully open about her own sexuality. If she wanted attention, she could easily come out as pansexual but Jamila didn’t want her life to become a circus. Add on the fact that she enjoyed bdsm and was a submissive…. It would be a hot mess, she thought. However, Jamila knew that she didn’t have to worry about the potential reactions of a bunch of other people if she did decide to come out. 

One thing Jamila did have to worry about was her thesis. It was finished, turned in, it was just a matter of finding out when she would have to defend it. Since she was graduating with her PhD this December, Jamila knew it would be before then. Not knowing the exact date was just irritating to her. Maybe once she had it, her dad would respect her more. 

Jamila sighed as she looked out at the Chicago skyline. It didn’t matter anyway. He wouldn’t really care. The only ones who would were Nina, Marisa, Ms. Tracey and Mr. Vernon, Siobhan, Lauren, maybe Karesha and Desiree. Sighing again, Jamila decided it was time to go to sleep for the night.

**

Jon looked at his computer screen as he looked at his budget for the month. Coming back this season has had it’s ups and down so far. The travel and other rhythms of the season were familiar but at the same time, Jon had enjoyed being at home. For over a decade, Jon had lived under the grind of the NHL season plus the playoffs. There was something nice about being a home, not a hotel room every couple of weeks. The hotels were all the same, they stayed at the same places in the same cities every year. But staying in his own bed night after night had it’s own appeal. 

At the same time, Jon wanted a 4th cup. It still irritated him that the team had decided to rebuild without even asking if the boys wanted to rebuild. Last season, Jon appreciated that the boys didn’t give up and tank even though the front office would have preferred that they did. Odds were stacked against them this season but Jon believed that they could make it. Once the playoffs started, it was anyone’s chance to get the Cup. 

Jon sighed as he opened the Netflix app. He was starting to really feel his age this year. He was only 33 but he could feel every hit now. Plus, coming home to this new place with no one waiting for him was getting very old. “Maybe that’s why you like that girl so much,” Jon muttered to himself. He felt dumb; every time he talked to Jamila, he felt like he put his foot in his mouth. But then, it seemed like she was just looking for an excuse to tell him no. 

As he mindlessly scrolled through shows, Jon felt super frustrated and ready to give up. He didn’t want to continue asking her out if she kept saying no. Jon blanched as the idea that maybe he was making Jamila uncomfortable came in his mind. As he clicked on watching Brooklyn 911, Jon decided that he was going to leave Jamila alone.

**

Jamila felt weird. It was two weeks since the last time she saw Jon and he was keeping his distance from her. All night, all he had done was say hi and wave when she greeted him. Jamila felt strangely bereft. Unconsciously, Jamila’s eyes drifted towards Jon more often than not during the charity auction. His black suit fit him like a glove, the crisp white shirt setting off his remaining tan. Of course, Jon didn’t wear a tie and it made him look absolutely delicious. Jamila inwardly scowled as she looked down at her water. 

Jamila was attempting to be good by sticking to water instead of any of the myriad alcoholic options tonight. The last time she had wine, she had to resist the urge to down the whole bottle. Jamila sighed; she thought she could try to have a bit of alcohol but now, she was sure that was impossible. Her sobriety was worth more than trying to fit in. 

The auction went pretty quickly, all things considered. Jamila made a couple small bids, there wasn’t really anything that caught her eye. Then the auctioneer said, “For our last, and surprise, auction item tonight, a date with the captain, Jonathan Toews. The winner gets to have one night with Captain Toews, at a place of your choice. Mr. Toews is a gentleman so it will be on him. Bidding starts at five hundred.”

One woman yelled, “One thousand!”

There were a flurry of bids and Jamila knew she had a screwface as she listened. One of the bidders was that bitch Frances and it looked like she was going to have the winning bid. The bids went up to six thousand before it started to slow. The auctioneer called out, “sixty-five hundred, do I hear sixty-six hundred?”

He waited for a couple of moments for additional bids. Jamila looked at her hands as the auctioneer said, “Sixty-five hundred, sixty-five hundred, going once-”

“Seventy-five hundred,” Jamila called out, raising her placard. 

There was a hush as people turned towards her. Jamila smirked as Jonathan raised an eyebrow.

“Seventy-five hundred, do I hear seventy-six hundred?”

Jamila waited as she sipped her water. Frances called out, “Eighty-five hundred,” frustration laced in her voice. Jamila smirked; this was time for payback.

The eyes turned towards her and Jamila looked down at her phone. There was a message from Alex: have u lost ur mind?????

“Ten-thousand,” Jamila called out. 

Jon let out a whoo, pursing his lips. This night had turned out in a way he hadn’t expected. The auctioneer called out, “Ten-thousand, ten-thousand, going once, going twice, sold, to number 53.”

Jamila rifled through her purse, looking for her wallet. She hoped she could just put it on her black card instead of needing a check. The money wasn’t a problem; the way of paying could be. One of the team’s interns came to Jamila. “Miss, come this way to pay.”

Following the intern, Jamila gave Frances a wide smile when she passed her. Luckily, Jamila was able to use her card to pay for her bid. 

“This wasn’t expected,” a deep voice said to her side. 

Jamila smiled. “Revenge is a dish best served cold.”

“I’m a tool for revenge? I feel like shit,” Jonathan joked. 

Jamila shrugged. “I’ll let you know if I ever want that date.”

Tossing her hair over her shoulder, Jamila walked away. She still felt some satisfaction winning the bid over that bitch, but something told her she made a crucial decision in some way.

[mochii0park]

 meraki; chapter 01 I jhs

Title: Meraki

Pairing: Hoseok x Reader / Jin x Reader

Part of series: Waterlilies and Japanese Bridge

Genre: angst I fluff

Pairing: literaryscout!hoseok x writer!reader

Word count: 4.5k

Summary: Throughout your whole life you lived in your sister’s shadow, watching from side-lines as she formed herself into a successful businesswoman with an envying life. Never being able to fill her shoes you gradually understood the meaning of an estranged family and the burden it carried. The twenties began slowly slipping from your grasp which had been embedded with insecurities and longing for fulfilment. Pouring your heart out to strangers with a pseudonym meraki, you began second guessing the decision when an email lands in your inbox.

Author's note: unedited, it's 2am I'll reread it tomorrow

Taglist: if you want to be added to the taglist message me

@namsope32 , @cuteipat , @ofvopemin

Masterlist

Meraki masterlist

< intro | chapter 02 >

Seokjin got engaged and moved to the USA.

Your lanky fingers hover over the keyboard, the reality of the situation still lingering in the air. The send button felt heavy, as if the action would make a shift in your universe. You have already made mends with how things were going between you, but it still felt crushing.

Sucking up the little pride you had left after lying to your friend, you push the button and lock the phone hoping to gain some sanity in your walk back to the apartment. It had been a regular night out with your friends. Coffee chitchat alongside freshly baked cookies which you got as an apology for being late.

Your mutual friends felt the need to notify you of the sudden change in Seojkin’s life, wanting you to hear it from them first. Pushing it to the back of your mind as nothing but an additional fact, you continue through the night with a smile. That lasted until you the rounder the corner.

Seokjin had been your friend through university and even later as you grew up and struggled to make ends meet.  You had been there for him when his girlfriend of five years decided to dump his ass having a shift in her feelings towards him. You mended his heart through late night talks and rides across the city. He was your kiss partner after breakups, picking up your self-esteem and gluing it together. In conclusion, Seokjin was your everything. If only the feeling was mutual.

Days before deciding to confess to him, he blasts your phone with messages about a girl that pulled all the strings in his heart and awoke oceans of memories. Kim Jisoo was his high-school crush with whom he lost contact after entering his last relationship. Reconciling through social media the two hit off where they last left it and suddenly you became the dust under his shoes. 

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months of not seeing him. With a deeply rooted pain in your chest and a jealousy for the new girl in his life you stepped down allowing Jisoo to consume his being. Afterall who were you than a mere friend, easily replaceable.

The last slap came when you drunkenly confessed, having enough of their roller coaster like relationship. That was the last time you’ve heard of Seokjin’s teary-eyed voice telling you goodbye over the phone. No matter how many times he told you this sounded like the end and the suffering he felt was unbearable; it was nothing compared to the sound of your heart shattering into pieces.

Sehun told you many times that the timing was so off it made him uncomfortable, but that’s the thing about you and Seokjin. Everything was off with the two of you. From kisses to cuddles to nudes after midnight to serious conversations about pineapple pizza. Friends don’t do that, is what you kept telling yourself when the feelings for him slowly grew from platonic to romantic.

In midst of your thoughts your phone rang. Sehun the attachment dealer flashed across your phone. Giggling at the memory of how the nickname came to be, a warm feeling nest itself inside your chest. “Hello?”

“Where are you?”

“I left the Howl Cafe, I’m near home.”

He hums, the sound of the blinker echoing in the distance. “I’m there in five. Meet me at the bus station at beginning of your street.”

There were instances when disobeying Sehun felt like the biggest thrill of your life but right now when feelings you couldn’t pinpoint ran through you clouding your judgement, Sehun felt like a silver lining. As you wait for him to arrive, you can’t help but scroll through your phone in search for that one picture of Seokjin.

The only one you’ve saved after your last conversation. He was leaning against the wall of the bakery, a cigarette hanging from his mouth. His bleached hair fell over his rimmed glasses giving him an emo vibe. It was somewhere around three am when you’ve taken this photo. 

Both of you exhausted from running aimlessly around the city. He begged you to visit this bakery at the top of a hill, assuring you about the quality of their goods. You remember that night vividly, how you would steal a kiss or two in the shadows hiding from the reality. How he would woo you with his terrible French accent and you would answer him in your broken German.

You miss him. You miss him to the point where it physically hurt.

Sehun honks ever so caring about the people sleeping peacefully in their homes. He bursts into laughter at your jumpy reaction making you feel annoyed as you lock your phone. Settling yourself in his car you wait for his I told you so, but it never comes. Instead, he turns on his Spotify playlist clicking on Olivia Rodrigo’s good 4 u blasting it a such high volume all thoughts you had were overridden with the upbeat song.

Sehun had been your friend for the same amount Seokjin was. The two knew each other through a few short encounters, for some reason they never crossed paths for longer than ten minutes. For that you were thankful. The song comes to a finish and Sehun observes you from his seat. The lights of the city painted on the window illuminated your face, giving him a prefect view of your perplexed expression.

“How are you feeling?”

You knew he would ask this question, after all the sole reason you were driving on a highway was because of your damped mood but in whole honesty you didn’t know the answer.

“A part of me had expected it. He talked about marrying her, but he also talked about wanting to drop everything and own a cottage in Sweden.”

“Your taste in men is terrible. Remember Mark? The guy who had so many career goals but couldn’t leave his house because he thought having a life outside work was overly distracting for his oh so important career as IT support at ZARA? Or Mino who was so high you couldn’t recognise him when he dropped the weed after your breakup.” Sehun snorts.

You roll your eyes at him. Surely your boyfriend track wasn’t the best but it’s not like you seek out boys with issues, it seems that they attach themselves to you and you can’t get rid of them without a major heartbreak. “Whatever.”

Sehun stretches forward pulling your favourite chocolate bar out of the compartment, throwing it in your lap. You smile, munching on it as you switch the song to Zayn and Sia’s Dusk Till Dawn.

“I just expected him to inform me.”

Sehun shakes his head. “I am not sure why you expected that. You two haven’t shared one conversation in two months. You’ve asked for space when he told you he can’t choose between you and Jisoo. Plus, that was a dick move to be honest making him choose between his girlfriend and his best friend.”

“Space,” you emphasise,” not utter silence. He didn’t move two fucking blocks Sehun. He moved to a whole fucking country without telling a soul. Our mutual friend finds out through an Instagram story. Fucking Instagram. And I don’t care, he was a dick that started this charade might as well end it.”

By now you were fully shouting, the tears that threatened to spill before now rushing down your face. In this moment you didn’t care much about Sehun’s awkwardness regarding tears and crying, that was pushed aside when he backed Seokjin’s decision and pissed all over yours.

“Y/N,” he whispers, turning down the volume as you whimper, “there is not much you can do. You must respect his decision. You can’t force someone to love you.”

It was your turn to huff at the stupidity of his words. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t go about kissing people. Respect decision? Fuck that. Did he respect me when he made a fool out of me?

“No.”

Sehun exhales knowing that in this case you weren’t in the right mind to have a rational conversation. Seokjin was your weak point, he knew that much. Your emotions began to pour out, leaving you a sobbing mess in his car. 

“Look, I can’t stop you from having all sort of emotions for him. I can only advice you to turn off your phone for tonight and give yourself time to process the information before doing anything you might regret.”

 “I won’t blast his phone with insulting messages if that’s what you think.”

“Good, also don’t eat out your emotions. You can’t stand too much sugar in your system.” 

“Thanks doctor. I’ll just write out my emotions instead.” You say leaning into the seat, closing your eyes as you listen to the music.

“You still write on that blog?” You can hear some amazement in Sehun’s voice, and you know it’s not to mock you but to praise you for managing to stay faithful to one thing this long. You had a reputation for giving up on things in early stages because you couldn’t finish them perfectly.

The rest of the ride was spent with you eating out your emotions with the food Sehun bought from your local fast-food restaurant. Not much was said between you and him as he drove into the night letting you process the whole situation, only dropping you off at home when you felt yourself calming down.

Once in the confides of your room you strip yourself of any pent-up emotions letting all the pallet of different feelings overran you. Taking a pen, you let your heart pour into endless words scribbled away in your notebook. When you’ve felt empty the high gone, you take your laptop opening the site you’ve a long time member of. It came to you on Instagram in a form of a poorly done advertisement. It was a website for people wanting to share their poetry with strangers.

At first, you’ve done what you always do: began self-doubting your poems and their worth. Most of them were written in a spur of a moment when you felt like you would burst from the number of things you felt. But one night, when sleep couldn’t come to you and the pain of losing the person you held dear lingered in the air threatening to choke you; you signed in posting your work. It was raw and you suddenly felt exposed and naked in front of the world.

That’s how Meraki came to be. How your pseudonym became your shield, allowing you to burden it with any thought or emotion you’ve felt. In the online world Meraki was a fierce writer, letting her readers know of the pain and suffering she felt. In real world Meraki was an introverted person hiding herself from anyone willing to come close.

                                                   ____

 It was a hot Wednesday morning when you’ve gotten an e-mail from your sister informing you of her whereabouts. Due to your mother’s work preventing her from traveling, she decided to pay you a visit instead; much to your delight. The days to her wedding were numbered and so was your sanity.

Luckily for you she and her fiancée decided to stay with your parents.

The thought of her roaming the halls of the only place you’ve managed to cover in comfort was disturbing you. It wasn’t that you hated your sister but although you’ve dealt with your own insecurities some parts of the trauma still hung over you.

You’ve managed to avoid her for a good number of days since she landed in Seoul but now a week later you ran out of excuses. That’s how you found yourself sitting in a posh sea food restaurant, juggling your anxiety during the family dinner.

The last time you saw your whole family was at your grandfather’s birthday (which happened six months ago). The event left a bad taste in your mouth after you’ve spent majority of time listening to your sister’ success only receiving attention when she addressed you.

Solar and her fiancée Minho discussed the menu as they skimmed through different meals. You have been so busy staring at one spot that you’ve never noticed the waiter taking orders.

“Y/N?” Solar spoke catching your attention.

“One chicken fillet for me please.” You were so preoccupied with different thoughts you never saw what they had to offer therefore you went with your go-to food.

The moment the waiter leaves the table with the menus, your mother scoffs. “Aish you’re eating chicken again, we’re in an exclusive sea food restaurant and you’re embarrassing us.  “

“Mother, let her eat what she wants.” Solar interrupted your mother’s complaining, switching the topic to her wedding dress. Your mother beamed at the photos she showed her.

It was somehow sad how much power Solar had over your parents. One word was enough to ease them into doing whatever she liked whilst you had to beg and crawl your way and even then, you were no match for her.

You felt severely out of the place. The two talking about preparations while your father and Minho gushed over their new apartment in Tokyo. You sat there in your chair counting down minutes until you could leave. Any other day you wouldn’t bother to attend the dinner but now Solar insisted you showed up. Something about the sight of her family warming her heart, bunch of bullshit.

“How are you doing Y/N?” She asks ignoring your mother as she mumbles under her breath about your bad habits, one being smoking.

You took up smoking in your last year of university when the pressure of getting a master’s degree and balancing your parents had been too much to take in. A lot of your friends decided to find comfort in weed, but you never understood the thrill of it. Rather than spending enormous amounts for just one puff, you could buy a pack of cigarettes and still have money left for some booze.

“Not much, same old same old.” You answered pushing your nervousness away.

There wasn’t much happening in your life. You’ve started a job in a bookstore and spent your free time either with Sehun or Jihyo.

“How’s Seokjin?”

That one question had caught the table’s attention and suddenly you felt a terrible need to smoke one. Your families were acquainted through work, your fathers working together on a project. They had been shocked when they discovered that you and Seokjin had been close friends for a long time.

“He’s fine.”

“I heard he got engaged,” Your mother spoke up,” to Kim’s daughter Jisoo. Ah what a wonderful being that one is.”

“Oh?” Solar gave your mother a perplexed look narrowing her head at you. You played with the glass in front of you, the object suddenly becoming interesting.

“I thought you and he were dating.” Minho joined, telling the words that were stuck on the tip of your sister’s tongue.

“Y/N and Seokjin? Don’t make me laugh. They are worlds apart. Seokjin is so focused on his career while our Y/N thinks writing will make her a fortune.”

Taking a sip of water, you try your best to wash away the nasty words threatening to leave your mouth. Your parents never approved of your career choice not that you even cared about their opinion.

Solar hums pulling her lips into a straight line. “I’ve must’ve mistaken then. I was sure I saw you-“

“Here is your food.”

And that’s how you were saved from the embarrassment of having to explain to your sister that what she saw was imagination playing tricks on her and not you and Jin making out in front of your house. It was awkward enough when she pestered you about it the next day.

The conversation takes on a different dynamic and you breathe out in relief. You were still trying to process the news and talking about him wasn’t helping your soul.  You gather yourself before your façade could fall and mask it with a stoic expression continuing your countdown till desert when Sehun would call you for an “emergency”.

Right on time you think as your phone began to ring.

You pretend to gasp covering your mouth to show concern as Sehun sputtered nonsense. He kept talking about his trip to the gym and how his feet hurt from all the exercise he did while you tried not to show disgust as explained in detail how hit his little finger against a metal device . Solar shot you a worried look as you excused yourself from the table.

“And the award for the best actress goes out to Y/L Y/N” Sehun pitches once you close the door of the restaurant. Shooting a quick apology message to Solar, you jump into his car deJa’vu hitting you.

“I should get paid for spending so much time with you.” Sehun dripped in sweat, his black shirt sticking moistly to his body, hair pushed back.

You shrugged falling into a comfortable silence. Half an hour later he stops at the number 13, the windows of your house distinguishable by the large number of flowers catching last rays of Sun before the night settles.

“That will be 100 won and a Mcdonald’s later when you’re free.”

“Yeah, not happening” you tell Sehun, already halfway out of the car, rucksack slipping from your shoulder.

He raises a brow at you.” I am not your personal driver Y/N. I had to leave my girlfriend to drive you back.”

You scoff as you roll your eyes at him.” I’ve told you to call me for an emergency. There was no picking up included.”

He mimics your words mockingly before pressing the gas pedal leaving you behind him. Unlocking your apartment door, you’re greeted with your dog sleeping in the hallway not giving you a second glance as you pass over him. Haku’s snores echo through the empty apartment warming your heart. The Shiba became your companion two years ago when you were going through a rough patch. It took some time for you to get used to each other but now you couldn’t image not having his snot buried into your business.

Turning on the lights you sit at the kitchen table pulling your leg up to rest your head on the knee. Opening your laptop, you see a few notifications popping up on the sideline about your recent orders. Just when you were about to close the notification center you see one mail standing out. The name Jung Hoseok makes you jolt in your seat.

Dear writer aka meraki,

I hope this e-mail find you well. My name is Jung Hoseok, I’m the CEO of ZER Publishing company. I’ve taken interest in your poetry and would like to have a meeting to discuss a possible collaboration between us.

Kind regards,

Jung Hoseok

The scream that came from you couldn’t possibly be human. Closing the laptop as if it will burn you, you throw it on the sofa choosing to avoid it until tomorrow.

You didn’t know how he found you giving that any personal information on the site was strictly private. Pacing back and forward you facetimed Sehun. He picks up after three very long rings making your heart beat erratically against your chest.

“I swear to God if this is another one of your emergency calls.” Sehun stands there in nothing but a towel hugging his waist. He moves to the other side of the bathroom, bare feet pacing against the marble floor.

“I got an e-mail.”

He curses, his voice muffled from the towel pressed against his face. ” You called me to tell me about a mail?”

“Not any mail, Sehun. I was contacted by Jung Hoseok.” You whisper still walking back and forward, Haku following every step of yours. Sehun tries not to pay close attention to you, getting slowly dizzy from all the commotion.

“And something tells me I should know who that is?”

You halt taking a moment to stop yourself from starting a conversation about common knowledge again, it was a sour subject. “He messaged through the mail used for Meraki.”

This time Sehun is quite for a few seconds taking in your words. You don’t see him, but you can hear deodorant spray and shuffle of clothes. “How? Isn’t that private?”

“Yes.”

And suddenly the anxious feeling was back. The poems you wrote there were strictly private, the mention of your love life and your hardships with your family were never meant to be linked back to you. You’ve checked the websites policy not wanting anyone to associate you with the account. If that were to happen you can immediately start packing your things to move to another continent.

“I am sure he didn’t hack it; nobody is that desperate. Maybe he contacted the website owner?” Sehun takes his phone, hair freshly washed strands falling over his face. He moves from the bathroom to the kitchen placing you carefully , so you could see the whole room.

You think for a second, there was a possibility. “Isn’t that a violation of my privacy?”

“I can try to read out the rights and policy. Come up with a text signed as your lawyer but Y/N” Sehun’s voice is soft, something he did to calm you down. He stood in the middle of the kitchen, eyes having an internal battle, the look you’ve seen on him in rare moments.

“Yes?”

“I am sure if you refuse, he won’t bother you. I am also sure you don’t have much to lose if you agree.”

                                                         ____

Hoseok was on his fifth coffee by noon, deprived of any sleep last night.  He was starved for a good literature piece that would leave him in myriad emotions. Sadly, he came up with an empty line. He spent his days cocooned in the corner of Suho’s café reading page by page poetry that awoke no emotion except irritation. He was on the brink of losing his mind.

Suho slides into the booth, careful not to startle Hoseok.” Have you found anything?”

Hoseok ruffles his hair before resting his head in his hands. He was desperate enough to visit fanfiction sites in hopes of stumbling upon work that had  the spark.

“Maybe you should take a break? Visit those open mic nights where people recite their poems?”

Hoseok shakes his head having already used that option last week. “I’ve been to three mic nights and not one was interesting. I am on a verge leaving everything behind to become a stripper. Yoongi did say I have an amazing body."

Sehun by now used to his friend’s dramatic antics shrugs his shoulder.” You should really take a break. You’ve been searching for a month now.”

Hoseok wished he could take a break, but the existence of his firm lay in his hands. That enough gave him tremendous worry pushing him way above his limits.

“I know but if I don’t find a good piece in a month, I can close the firm. Do you know what that means? Hundreds of people losing their job.” Hoseok wasn’t the one to crumble under pressure but now he felt like crying. Suho offered him a smile he’s seen before, the pity smile. Patting his shoulder he gets up at the sound of doors opening ,customers swarming in.

At the end of the day Hoseok thinks everything has turned against him. His laptop dies in the middle of reading, and he discovers he forgot his charger at home. In all the despair and anger he accidentally knocks over the mug spilling coffee over important documents and his newly bought jeans. The stain will probably leave a small burn that he wasn’t ready to face today. He’ll take care of it tomorrow.

On the side Suho observes his restless friend. He felt bad for not being able to help him more, but he already used all his resources and sent them anonymously to his mail only for Hoseok to turn it down.

Sehun walks into the café with his gym in one hand and candy in the other, drops of sweat forming on his forehead. He was waiting for a call from Y/N, prepared to jump into his car at any second. He greets Suho, his sight landing on an exhausted Hoseok bumping his head repeatedly against the table lightly. He hoped to never reach this point of insanity. 

“What’s his problem?”

Suho follows Sehun’s line of sight. Hoseok sits in the booth, forehead rested against the table. Both his mind and body were tired, and the clock was ticking. “He needs to find a good poetry piece to publish otherwise he’s toast.”

In that moment Sehun weights his options. He knew how self-conscious you were about your work thinking it lacked emotion and quality and this seemed like a good opportunity to prove you otherwise. On the other hand, there was the issue with people closely linked with your poems. He takes his time picking between different sugars, steering the coffee slow enough to buy him at least one more minute.

Pushing the bills to Suho he takes a sip. “There is a website called Nora, it had lots of good poetry. I've read some.”

Suho nods following Sehun out of the café promising to deliver the message to Hoseok. Once locked up he slides back into the booth watching Hoseok pack his belongings ready to call it a day. “This costumer told me about Nora site. You should give a shot.”

“Nora?” Hoseok mocks, he heard of all the websites used for writing but Nora didn’t ring a bell.

“I think it’s new. I’ve never heard of it but he seemed sure of his words. The worst that can happen is he lied and knowing Sehun that’s unlikely.”

Hoseok nods eager to go back home to his cat Nobus and prepare himself a warm bath to release the tension built up in his muscles. Waving goodbye to Sehun, he exits the shop from the back door and turns on the engine of his car driving away to the beat of classical music easing him.

Entering his small apartment located in the centre of Seoul, he throws his shoes to the side not bothering for order tonight. Slouching himself on the couch he pets Nobus, the cat bumping his head against his arm purring softly. With eyelids half closed he opens the website on his phone, picking poetry as his preferred category.

Selecting a random writer he opens the first poem, eyes scanning the text.

 I love you             like the habit I picked up in college                  of sleeping through lectures                  or saying I’m sorry                  when I get stopped for speeding             because I drink a glass of water                  in the morning                  and chain-smoke cigarettes                  all through the day             because I take my coffee Black                  and my milk with chocolate             because you keep my feet warm                  though my life a mess I love you             because deep down I know                  you'll never be mine again   (author of the poem: Nikki Giovanni, I added three last sentences)*

With every word that Hoseok took in he felt himself back in university, all drunk on the idea of loving the girl that sat two seats in front of him during microeconomics. He relives the ecstasy of having love running through his veins, he feels the desire under his fingertips for just one touch, he crumbles at the pain of finding her kissing his best friend. Hoseok feels like his heart had been ripped apart with just few simple letters placed in a neat poem.

He sees the words meraki scribbled in a messy handwriting under the poem and he feels as if his prayers have been answered.

[yamigooops]

Tire Tracks

pairing: street racer! bakugou x mechanic! y/n

words: 2.8k

warnings: language 

Cars were your whole life. You grew up in your father’s mechanic shop and learned everything you knew from him. Customers came and went, some more frequently than others, but cars were the one constant thing in your life. You were able to lose yourself in the process of finding and fixing problems, speaking better with parts than with people.

You barely even registered the smell of oil and gasoline anymore. The thin layer of grime that coated your arms was like a second skin, and you were at home here. The cars all around you purred and multiple gaudy sound systems pounded in the crisp night air. The roar of engines was music to your ears, and you had spent the first 45 minutes of the meet up going around looking at the different setups people had.

Now, though, you were doing final checks on the one car that brought you here: Bakugou’s suped up racer. You rebuilt most of the engine yourself, put countless hours into making it faster and stronger. This car was your baby just as much as it was his, and you felt a twinge of nerves knowing what was to come.

“Everything ready down there?” barked the man in question. You finished double checking the last bolt before pushing yourself out from under the vehicle, only to find the blonde staring down at you impatiently.

“Yeah, it looks fine, no thanks to you,” you huffed, sitting up and wiping your hands on a nearby towel. “Listen, I get that you’re gonna go hard tonight, but if you fuck this car up again, I swear I’m done with you.” You put as much threat into your voice as possible as you stood, putting a hand to your hip and glaring at him.

A sly grin split his sharp features. “Aww come on, Y/N, we both know you wouldn’t give up that easy on her,” he taunted, placing an elbow on top of the car and rapping it with his knuckles. “You love her too much.”

He wasn’t wrong, this car was your pride and joy. “You’re right. It’s the person inside I’m worried about,” you rolled your eyes and turned away to open the hood. You had already triple checked everything underneath, but you needed something to occupy yourself with, so you didn’t have to be around Bakugou.

You had known the fired-up blonde ever since middle school, when his dad started coming to yours for maintenance. See, his dad was a local racer, and heard that your dad had the best service around. Well, he would often bring Bakugou in order to teach him about the inner workings of a car. Because of this, the two of you had practically grown up together, spending weekends at the racetrack and weekdays learning what your fathers had to teach you.

But that didn’t mean you liked one another.

Katsuki had always been full of himself. It could have been because of his looks or his dad’s success, or any other factor, you didn’t really care. All you knew was you hadn’t had a normal conversation in longer than you could remember. They always ended in one of you riling the other up, sometimes becoming yelling matches if things got really serious.

You sometimes questioned why you still worked with him, the little asshole. When you both turned 16, your parents decided to buy a junk car, and have you fix it together to test how much you had learned over the years. It took almost 6 months to get it into good shape, but you did it, the only setback being that you were constantly bickering. It was nearly impossible to make decisions about what to do because neither of you wanted to give in to the other.

After that, you continued to work on cars and decided to go to mechanic school after high school. Katsuki went to a traditional 4-year college, and you thought that would be the end of your tormented relationship with him, but no. He contacted you after two years and asked if you would help him with a project, which you agreed to. Ever since then, you’ve become somewhat of a team, travelling around the country to compete in race after race. Some were sanctioned and official, while others tore through backroads and had come to an end when the cops arrived.

Bakugou was one of the best street racers in the country, pushing himself and his vehicle harder than most were willing to do. His lack of inhibition and self-confidence were the keys to his success. Well, those and the fact that you were always there to fix up the damage he caused. You had been doing this together for four years, now each 24 years old, and you couldn’t help but admit that these races made you feel… alive. The whine of an engine as it shoots past you at near top speed, the screeching of tires as they skidded around tight turns, it was all like a fever dream.

The only issue with Bakugou’s racing was he tended to be reckless. Scuffed paint jobs, cracked tire plates, he always pushed his cars to their very limit and made you deal with fixing his mess afterword. Yes, sometimes he would help you, but seeing as you were the actual mechanic on the team you were stuck with the majority, if not all of the work.

“This race’ll be easy, Y/N. Don’t even worry. I mean, we’re gonna be on a dirt road in the middle of a field for god’s sakes, at least there are no buildings or streetlights to worry about,” he called from his place beside the car.

“That’s exactly what I’m worried about,” you groaned. “You’ll look at that open road and think it’s okay to push as hard as you can!”

“Babe, that’s what makes me so good,” he chuckled, stepping up beside you at the hood.

He always did that, calling you pet names just to piss you off. It always did, making your insides squirm with distaste. At least, you told yourself it was distaste.

“You’ve already checked this thing like four times, just settle down it’s fine.” His voice, normally course like metal grating together, had a softer edge to it. You looked up at him, your eyes meeting his crimson ones, and nodded. Pulling the hood shut, you turned around and leaned against it, crossing your arms. You looked over Bakugou as he pulled out his phone to send a text.

He’d recently gotten a haircut, shaving the sides of his head short and leaving the top to its normal spikes, and you had to admit, you thought it suited him better. It showed off his sharp jawline, which had only grown sharper as you got older. His bare arms were cut, unsurprising as he spent a great deal of time in the gym. He wore his signature high-necked black cutoff with a bold red X on the front, with army green cargo pants that cinched at the ankles. As per usual when he raced, he did his dramatic eye black to intimidate his opponents. It usually worked.

“Listen, I just don’t want you messing her up again, okay? I put so much into this car and the past three races I’ve had to set aside hours to fix her. I can’t keep doing that when I have paying customers that need my help too,” you tried to explain calmly. His head snapped up.

“I’m a paying customer too, don’t I get the same attention that your others get?”

“You’re more of a…side hustle.” The words came out with a bit of a grin.

One of his arched eyebrows raised dangerously. “A side hustle? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Working with you is like a second job. I spend so much time on this damn car, and looking at your ugly mug, that it’s like working another part-time job on top of the shop.”

His lips turned down in a scowl and he took a menacing step forward. “First off, you get half the earnings every time I win. I don’t have to do that. Second, I’m hot as fuck, thank you very much.”

You scoffed. “You’re average at best,” you lied. You agreed with him of course, but you’d never tell him that even if you were on your deathbed. “Also, the earnings are the way you pay me for all the shit I do for you, remember? That’s the agreement. Plus, most of that money goes right back into her,” you smacked the hood. “So, in reality you pay way less than any of my other costumers.”

He paused at this, taking in your words. “Guess you like me that much, huh,” he chuckled after a moment. The words brought a flush to your face, and you silently thanked the fact that it was nighttime, and the only illumination came from the cars around you.

“No, it’s just because I’ve known you for years. Sometimes I consider upping your rates though, just to piss you off.”

That got him scowling again, an expression that made you much more comfortable than that devious smirk. “I hope you know your sense of humor really sucks.”

“Bakugou!” A rough voice called from behind the blonde, making him roll his eyes and turn around.

“What do you want, shark week?” He growled, facing Kirishima who was making his way over with a smile.

“Just came to make sure you were still up for this race,” the red head grinned, displaying his sharp teeth.

“You really think I’d back down against someone like you?” Bakugou crossed his arms and relaxed onto one leg. “This is gonna be easy as shit.”

Kirishima chuckled, “Don’t count me out so quick man, might not be as easy as you think.” He glanced over Bakugou’s shoulder and spotted you behind him. “Hey Y/N, you here to patch his ass up after the race?”

“You know me so well, Kiri,” you smirked. Bakugou let out a grunt, punching Kirishima’s shoulder playfully, the other man simply laughing at the disgruntled racer. “Best of luck out there,” you smiled genuinely. You had known Kirishima since high school, where he and Bakugou were best friends. They frequently raced these days, constantly trying to one up each other and keeping a running tally of who won. Currently Bakugou was up by two, if you remembered correctly.

“Thanks Y/N, your faith means the world,” he replied with another toothy smile.

“Hey, quit trying to poach my mechanic,” Bakugou yelled spiritedly.

At this, Kirishima simply laughed, turning to leave. “Just came to say good luck man, I would never try to steal her away from ya. You’re like a match made in heaven. I don’t know anyone else who could put up with your bullshit.”

“I don’t know of anyone else either, I’m really doing the world a favor, huh,” you called, loving the way your blonde partner whirled around and glared at you.

“See you guys after the race!” And with that, Kiri was walking back to his own car.

Bakugou stood there for a moment before turning around to return to the car. He was quiet for a moment before speaking up. “Y’know, you don’t have to keep working with me if you don’t want to. I’ll understand if you don’t…” he said, so softly you almost didn’t hear.

You looked over at him in surprise, “What do you mean, I never said I don’t want to work with you.” It was so unlike him to say things like this that you were completely taken aback.

“It didn’t sound like that just now,” he grumbled, not looking at you. “I know I can be a lot to handle, so I guess I wouldn’t blame you.”

You chuckled, making him look up curiously. “Bakugou, I’m a lot to put up with too. I’ve known you for long enough that it doesn’t even phase me anymore,” you said honestly.

He stared at you for a moment longer than necessary, making you flush slightly. “Yeah, whatever,” he growled in classic Bakugou fashion.

“Racers!” came a shout from nearby. The official of the race stood between the two cars, looking to the two men. “Are you both ready to go?” Both gave a thumbs up, and the man nodded. “Come line up at the start then!”

Bakugou took a deep breath before putting on his jet-black helmet and getting into his car with a sharp slam of his door. You moved away from the vehicle to let him go line up before returning to the side to say your final words to him. “Remember what I said,” you warned, leaning against the rolled down window. “Don’t fuck her up this time, got it?”

He smirked at you and narrowed his eyes. “There’s nothing to worry about Y/N, this is an easy course.” “It better be, for your sake,” you rolled your eyes with a grin. You loved how amped up he got at the starting line.

“See you on the other side, kid,” he nodded. You gave him a thumbs up and stepped away from the car. The official made his way into the center of the two cars, and you made yours over to your pickup truck to watch the race. You climbed up into the bed and leaned against the cabin to look over the field. From up there you could see almost the entire track, and since the cars’ lights would be on you wouldn’t have any problem keeping track of them.

You watched as the official signaled to prepare to start, the engines of both cars revving loudly. A crowd had gathered to watch, and you smirked, knowing that only got Bakugou more amped. Loudly counting down from three, the official dropped the flag and the two vehicles were off, tearing into the darkness as fast as possible.

Bakugou accelerated just a bit faster, edging in front of Kirishima, who swerved slightly to avoid him. They made their way around the course, Bakugou maintaining the lead for most of the time, but losing it several times. Nearing one of the final bends, you saw the headlights on Bakugou’s car dip dramatically and fall a bit behind Kirishima’s for a moment before pulling back ahead. You got a bad feeling in your stomach at that. However, it was over in an instant, the blonde coming in first by a decent margin.

As he got out of the car, Bakugou was swarmed by the crowd. It took you a moment to make it out in the semidarkness and jumble of bodies, but as you hopped out of the bed of your truck and made your way over to Bakugou, you spotted it. The left half of his front bumper was crumpled and scraped. Anger swelled in your stomach, and you pushed forward with renewed vigor, shoving people aside and coming to a halt in front of the man in question.

“What the fuck Bakugou?! What did I tell you literally RIGHT before you left?” You got in his face as he took off his helmet and tucked it under his arm. “Look at your fucking bumper! How the hell do you explain that, huh?!” Your anger at his carelessness blinded you to the way he was looking at you, the hunger in his eyes.

Just as you were about to go off again, you felt his hand grasping your chin roughly. This was such an unexpected move that your mind blanked in the seconds to come. “God you’re fuckin sexy when you’re mad,” Bakugou growled, pausing a moment before hungrily pressing his lips to yours. The first thing you registered was the heat. They were burning against yours, and they were soft, much softer than you would have guessed.

Snapping back to yourself, you put a hand on his chest – his muscular chest – and pushed away. You looked away, trying to clear your head. “Woah, you can’t just… kiss me…” you gasped.

“Why not?” He murmured in your ear, absolutely glowing with his victory. He was always an impulsive guy, but that doubled when he won. He was known to break things when he beat someone, so part of you wasn’t surprised that he did that, but it was so unexpected that you never would have thought it would happen.

You looked up at him and found a grin resting on his lips. You felt something in you snap, something that had been holding you back from what you’d wanted to do so many times before but never had the courage to do. Giving a minute shrug, you said fuck it and went in again. It wasn’t a sweet kiss though. He threaded his fingers through your hair, and the hand holding his helmet released it, coming to dig into your waist. It was hot and heavy, filled with anger and pent up emotion and victory. It was a kiss years in the making, and you couldn’t deny that you wanted it to happen. This man was leaving tire tracks on your heart, driving right through the barriers you tried to put up to block him out.

And you were okay with that.

[tobiosmilktea]

I really like the hidden feelings hc you wrote! And was wondering if you could do them for,,,,ushijima, akaashi, Osamu and kageyama🥺👉👈

hidden feelings with ushijima, akaashi, osamu, and kageyama (vol. 2)

original prompt: in which you tell your best friend that you were in love with someone else... but that someone else is actually them

a/n: AHHH im glad you all liked the first part! lowkey they were really fun to write so i hope you guys like this one as well

— u. wakatoshi

i kinda suck at writing ushijima, so bear with me on this one uh

one of the biggest things about toshi when he likes someone is that he respects them fully and looks up to them at times, so it surely intensifies when the person he likes is his best friend

and because of this, he fully respects the idea of you liking someone even though he affects him to the very core

it started off like this:

you have been incredibly close with shiratorizawa’s ace ever since you two met in middle school and even then he was known as an amazing volleyball player, not to mention he was super intimidating even as a first year in middle schooler

never in a million years have you ever thought that you would even become friends let alone become best friends as you felt you two had nothing in common

toshi was super into volleyball and athletic meanwhile you stuck with your academics

really the only thing you and him had in common was that you two had the same homeroom for the majority of your time here at shiratorizawa academy

but here you two were, in the midst of an awkward plateau in your friendship that only you can be blamed for

tendou satori, in his loud and boisterous glory often hung around you and toshi and quickly found out about your feelings for the vb captain

granted, you were quite blunt about your feelings for toshi, but as the naive individual he was who new nothing about love besides his feelings for volleyball, he usually overlooked your attempts at casual and harmless flirting

and since you two were now in your final years of high school together, you couldn’t help but feel dejected at the fact you would inevitably go your own separate ways

“just confess to him dumbass!” tendou would tell you (more like shout, but it’s not like ushijima would even spare a blink at that)

“toshi doesn’t seem like the guy who has romantic feelings for someone, satori.” you sighed doubtfully

“so?” the redhead pressed, “what’s the worse that can happen?”

you scoff, “umm,, rejection homie, duh??”

“you don’t have to necessarily confess to him, (y/n).” he suggests, “you could always ask if he’s into anybody and if he says that he likes you, then BINGO!”

you were still hesitant about it though, but as the year was ending in a couple months you literally had nothing to lose

you walked up to ushijima after practice, walking back towards the dorms

since the academy’s campus was gigantic for no reason, it allowed enough time for you two to talk privately

“toshi,” you started, your heart jumping into your throat each time your arms would briefly brush against each other. “do you like anyone?”

you looked up at him, searching for an answer within his visage but it was deadpanned per usual

“sure,” he muttered, “i like you—”

your breath hitched and your heart was beating so fast you could combust

‘—and i like tendou and semi and everyone else i know. they’re great friends.”

oh how your excitement had never faded so quickly

homie really said SIKE and you couldn’t help but feel like an idiot

“no, toshi, i meant as in do you have feelings for someone...”

“oh... depends.”

vague. but at least it was an answer

“do you like anyone, (y/n)?” he asked and you immediately nodded

“yeah, i do like someone, but honestly, i doubt he likes me back.” you professed and you could’ve swore you saw the muscle in his jaw tense

“and why is that?”

you shrug, taking your eyes off him and back towards the ground. “i think he’s too occupied with volleyball, so i doubt dating is definitely not a priority of his—”

toshi’s fists within his pockets were balling with his knuckles turning completely white from the pressure, “who?”

“u-um, i don’t know if i’m comfortable enough to say...”

it was then toshi would grab your wrist, gently tugging you back into an embrace

your eyes widened into saucers at the sudden gesture, this was definitely not normal for ushijima but then again confessing your feelings for someone shouldn’t be a normal, everyday thing

“i want to know who, (y/n).” he repeated again

“why do you want to know so badly?”

ushijima gulped down the lump forming in his throat as for the first time he felt nervous to talk to you, “because i have a feeling it’s me.”

“hUH?” you exclaimed

like perhaps you were actually taken aback considering you thought he would never come to conclusion that it was him, unless...

“... tendou told me.”

yup there it was

a frustrated sigh left your lips, “of course it was. that loudmouth never keeps his mouth shut i swear—”

“but i like you too.” toshi quickly cut in, completely straight to the point as there was no reason to beating around the bush at this point anyway

“you do?”

he nods, “i’m just glad it’s not semi.”

— a. keiji

homeboy is BLUNT

like really blunt, it would be a surprise if he wasn’t the one to call you out on your bullshit when you told him your liked someone

he would always do so when bokuto says or does something stupid, but of course you were an exception since he had feelings for you as well

in a mere sense of miscommunication (or lack thereof) as akaashi tends to not show much at all

even in the most emotional events where most others can’t help but be happy or sad or excited or angry, it seems he always had that calm visage all over his face

because of that, you couldn’t tell whether or not he even noticed how daft and obvious your feelings were towards him

then again, his usual calm and quiet demeanor did mean that he could read others like an open book with how observant he was

the thing is, he was well aware of your advances and honestly liked seeing your blushing face and how your attention was on him and him only

you regard of having your eyes only on him kinda made him feel prideful that it was him you focused on, but he would never in a million years tell you that from the fear that you would stop

so he would act oblivious towards your feelings for him

however, he didn’t take into account that you could pine for someone for so long before you get bored

well, you weren’t exactly bored of akaashi as you were still head over heels for him, it was more like you had grown tired of your strategy of winning him over

so who else could you go to besides bokuto, your other best friend

“you know, akaashi really likes it when you fawn over him but he doesn’t say anything about it cause he knows you’d get flustered and stop.” the silver haired boy muttered into your ear during lunch, “but you didn’t hear that from me

he then winked at you and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes at him as you make your way to akaashi

you greeted him like normal, talk to him like any other best friend would before you nonchalantly mentioned you liked someone

and you could’ve swore you saw his jaw tighten and his eye twitch

he scoffed at the mere thought of you giving all your love and affection towards another guy that wasn’t him

akaashi is never the type of guy that gets jealous easily as most of the time being jealous is being unreasonable, but here he was being unreasonable

it wasn’t like you were his s/o or anything, but it genuinely irked him

“who is it?” he would ask, trying to sound calm as possible.

homie can barely make eye contact with you because he would instantly melt into a puddle for you

“well...” you hesitate to say anything in case he would figure out it was him, but you honestly had nothing to lose if it came to that point where you confessed right here and now. “he’s on the volleyball team and he’s in our year.”

it was then you slapped your hand over your mouth as you realized that akaashi was the only second year on fukurodani’s vb team

“uhh, i mean—” you tried to lie but was immediately cut off by him

this is where akaashi’s bluntness comes into play 

“you know if you said you liked me, this would’ve been easier on the both of us,” he mutters, smoothly wrapping his hand around yours. “cause i like you too, (y/n).”

you struggled to respond as you were too busy internally screaming at that he was literally holding your hand rn “y-you do?”

“of course,” he shrugs as he pulled you to walk with him back to your classroom, “i wouldn’t let you focus on anyone else besides me, anyway.”

— m. osamu

like akaashi, he has a really calm visage and doesn’t show much emotion

but unlike akaashi, he really bother trying to hide the fact that he does know of your feelings for him

if anything he feels smug about it, but literally refuses to say anything about it cause you were to oblivious to see it yourself

he figured you’d find out in the long run as this pining was actually kinda fun for him

so there he would be, acting as normal as possible while you casually flirted with him and acting as if you two were nothing more than just having playful banter as best friends do

lowkey i honestly see the miya twins having some form of commitment issues, so osamu would most likely not progress your relationship any further

he likes to think it’s because he likes lowkey teasing you, but in reality, despite knowing of your feelings well, he fears that a relationship with him (something more than just best friends) he’d think that he will disappoint you in the long run

eventually, like any old game being repeated over and over again, you got tired of it

it had gotten so bad that you even went to atsumu for advice

literally the moment you went up to him and even muttered the words, “i need your help,” was totally uncalled for and even shocked atsumu

nonetheless, he felt honored and stupidly cocky that you were going to him for relationship advice

atsumu super cheeky when it came to this, but since osamu was still his brother he never told you that osamu was aware of your feelings

instead his first idea was to make him jealous

being quite the competitive twins they were, there was always a stigma between them and shared things

not that they had minded sharing normal everyday things as they were used to that growing up, but you were an exception obviously. you weren’t an object and specifically you were osamu’s best friend

when you and the twins grew up together, osamu had made it very clear and evident that you were his and his only and greatly hated whenever atsumu would put his arm over your shoulders and call you his best friend

“honestly, i think you should just tell you like someone else.” atsumu spoke to you, mindlessly munching on chips in his bedroom

you had came over to the miya household and osamu definitely found it sus when you made your way to his brother’s room instead of his where you two would usually hang out

you mentioned some small white lie that you needed to talk about a project with atsumu and that he could go into the kitchen and make some snacks while they were speaking

but at this point, you were in atsumu’s room for way too long for osamu’s liking and he was getting super jealous ngl

“so you want me to lie?” you scoffed over at the blond boy

“not necessarily,” he says. “you saying that ya like someone is completely true as the person you like is him, dummie”

you roll your eyes but he continues, “just don’t specify who it is to the point where he eventually confesses his feelings for you.”

“and how do you know he likes me back?”

“twin intuition, (y/n)”

that’s when you finally left his room and made your way to the kitchen where osamu had a hard look on his face as he aggressively slide a plate of onigiri towards you

“looks delicious, samu” you complimented nonchalantly.

“what were you two doing in there?” he immediately questioned

this caused you to instantly take into account of what atsumu suggested without a second thought, “we were talking about the guy i like”

osamu let out a scoff, forcing himself not to roll his eyes and he asked who it was

“just some random person.” you say as you munched on the onigiri

“well, i don’t want a random person to have someone that belongs to me.” osamu mutters out of the blue, stopping you from chewing

your eyes had widened as your eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “what do you mean? it’s not like we’re dating or anything—”

“but what if i want us to.”

UMM SIR ???

your appetite immediately disappeared as you felt your heart swell and your nerves jump. the rhythm of your heartbeat was pulsating so quickly you swore that your he could hear how fast it was going

“but...” osamu suddenly adds in before you could respond, “since i’m your best friend, i should be supportive of those you like—”

you sighed, a gentle honey-like chuckle left your lips. “idiot,” you breathed out affectionately, “i was talking about you, you’re the guy i like.”

it was then he made his way towards you and immediately pulled you into an embrace

“is that what you really talked about with atsumu for thirty minutes?”

you nod as your voice muffled into his broad chest

“cant believe you brought him into this,” he chuckles as you peck a soft kiss on the corner of his lip

— k. tobio

honestly this boy is the most oblivious out of everyone else

he genuinely thinks you’re in love when someone else when you literally make it pretty obvious

granted, kags just thinks it’s just you being yourself as he believes that you only act like that cause you’re his best friend 

he thinks your cute flirts and subtle jokes that make him blush redder than a tomato was just your casual friendly banter when in reality you were actually trying to make some money moves lmao

and you noticed this

the thing is, you always liked teasing kags while shagging his hair as he tries to hide the blush on his face, so you figured you could did best

it was the day of the interhigh tournaments and he invited you to watch their first game against dateko

he always liked your presence at games as hearing your loud and thunderous shouts and chants always motivated him and fueled his fire

however, thirty minutes before the match had started, you and tobio were talking near the water fountains, wishing him good luck with some playful jokes thrown around here and there before you completely dropped the bomb on him

it went kinda like this:

the laughter from the last joke you cracked finally died down as tobio casually took a sip from the water fountain, filling a brief moment of comfortable silence between you two

that’s when you said it, “so there’s this guy i really like.”

and that completely caused the setter to choke on his water as he immediately straightened up and looked at you with saucers for eyes

“y-you do?” he stammered over his words as he whipped the drips of water from his face

nodding, you quickly threw him a smile. it was a smile he always liked seeing on your face, the one he couldn’t help but completely melt into an enigma which was you

tobio couldn’t help but feel his muscles tense and his heart suddenly stop beating

the idea that he was no longer the only guy in your life was terrifying

sure you were friends with the rest of the karasuno team and yet he afraid of that fact as he knew that he was the only one who could be this close to you

but the idea that another guy, someone possibly better than him being closer to you and than tobio could ever literally scared him

not because he had undeniable feelings for you since middle school, but the fact that his best friend might put more of their attention to their boyfriend rather than him

“anyway,” you cut in after you noticed that kags wasn’t responding. “i was planning to confess to him soon...” tobio swore he felt his heart plummet, “i just hope he likes me back.”

i hope he doesn’t, tobio thought completely unaware that you were talking about him

 it was then hinata turned the corner and spotted you and tobio, “kageyama! hurry, we need to get on court!”

tobio attempted to shake the feeling of the tightening in his chest as he quickly said goodbye to you and ran towards the courts with hinata

you sigh to yourself before making your way back to the bleachers

once the game had started, you suddenly noticed a change in tobio’s demeanor

from the mere look on his face and to the way his muscles tensed every time he had set was different—almost determined to prove a point

and that was exactly what he was doing

the second the game started a whole knew visage melted upon his face, something mixed with the passion of the game and the determination of win was the chrysalis of the point was trying to make

that he was the only one worthy for you and he would prove it by perhaps playing the hardest and the strongest in the game to win for not only karasuno and his team, but for you as well

the entire game, from each of his receives, blocks, and sets that they were for you

you would always be so happy for him whenever he would win as you would through your arms around him and hug him until there’s no tomorrow

he wished to feel it once more the moment karasuno gained that final point to win

you swore your voice was going to get completely destroyed from the amounts of boisterous shouts leaving your mouth as karasuno had won against dateko

a smile appeared on your face as you watched your favorite boy throw his fist in the air and get absolutely trampled by the rest of his teammates

after the opposing teams shook hands, that’s when you raced down the stairs of the bleachers and dashed towards tobio as fast as you could

he had barely turned over his shoulder to see you coming at him at full speed

you immediately jumped on him and engulfed him into a hug, your legs wrapped around the setter as you exclaimed, “i’m so proud your tobio! i swear sometimes i wonder why i haven’t confessed to you sooner.”

that’s when he would accidentally drop you from the shock as would literally shout, “HUH??”

fortunately, you caught yourself before falling on your ass as you giggled lightly, “i was talking about you earlier, idiot.”

tobio literally felt a huge wave of relief, pulling you into a hug again. “oh thank god.”

the setter imagined that he was on the top of the world then, from winning karasuno’s first official game as a team to him finally winning over your heart

he had never felt better.

[itsclydebitches]

About crosshair. Again lol

Regardless of his scar not lining up with chip scar or the headaches or “soldiers follow orders” again. Or him without a chip being a liability to the empire. I just don’t buy his personality change in the end. I’m the pilot episode they hammered it over our heads it’s very unlike him to follow orders. He said himself “empire or republic, what’s the difference?” But now in the end he cares about the empire protecting the galaxy? Responds to hunter his choice is “soldiers follow orders”? Wtf, really? So he genuinely believes his only personality is being a soldier now? when it’s been established in both in cw and tbb that cf99, including crosshair only cared about completing the mission. I get that people change but not that abruptly especially if we are to believe techs “unyielding” description of him to be true. Echo is the one true soldier of the group. He keeps repeating to hunter “we are soldiers not smugglers”, “there is no other way than being soldiers” etc. but he is clearly loyal to the republic. And I never saw echo and crosshair to be similar in that

So yeah , I think it’s very out of character for crosshair to just see himself as soldier and being content with following order or being a pawn(which he must realize he is cause he’s not dumb) especially with his mega inflated sense of self importance. Just my two cents

Crosshair is a complicated character! There's a lot to discuss :D

That's a good point though. And yeah, as acknowledged the quick personality change could be chalked up to chip influence if it's still having some kind of impact... but if it's not, then what do we make of that?

Putting aside the "It's just bad writing" possibility, I think there's a key difference between not following orders and not being loyal to the organization giving those orders. They're not necessarily the same thing, though it's easy to lump the two together. Yeah, we see early on that the Bad Batch isn't known for doing things the "right" way. Rex and Jesse are pretty unsure about their methods when the Batch first shows up in TCW. In the pilot Tech has a line about how "We're more deviant than defective" emphasizing that they tend to do things differently. Crosshair's sudden willingness to follow orders to the letter, not just in spirit, is questioned during their time in the cell, etc. So yeah, they don't obey the rules, but I don't think that's because they're not loyal. They're not refusing orders because pff, screw the Republic/Empire, who cares about those guys. They're refusing orders because they recognize that their way of doing things—the unconventional methods that deviate from the standard clone playbook—is more likely to net them, and the Republic, a success. They seem to be against the Republic's rules because they want the Republic to succeed, recognizing that their way is the best way to get that. Wrecker takes great pride in their successful missions, keeping tally marks on their room's wall. Crosshair is constantly pointing out how the higher ups called them in because the Regs couldn't complete a mission, likewise emphasizing his pride in being needed. When Rex and Hunter finally start bonding, it's through Rex's decision to charge the droids head on, precisely like the Batch would, rather than following the "correct" strategy of carefully picking them off from the tree line. They bond over the understanding of, "Yes. This is the best way the Republic wins." Perhaps most significantly, the Batch was still willing to complete missions for the Empire up until they were ordered to kill civilians. Killing Jedi resulted in an acknowledgement of how messed up that was... but no solid intent to leave.

All of the above is important because it establishes the Batch's need to be loyal to something other than themselves. The kind of loyalty that is shown through intense, life-threatening acts of service. Hunter's line about them being loyal to each other rather than some Empire, while true, is a simplification. Their loyalty to the Republic and their loyalty to one another overlap in many, many significant ways, simply because the Batch was created for the Republic. They have literally spent their entire lives living, breathing, fighting, and almost dying for the Republic. Their core identities stem from the Republic's desires: skills they want them to cultivate and even personalities they want to foster, if Tech's theories are to be believed (that conversation with Wrecker in the mess hall). The loyalty the Batch feels, those bonds they formed over the years, stem entirely from completing missions for the Republic. Their love for one another is, at least at the start, a product of the Republic's desire for Good Soldiers. And yeah, they sometimes did things the Republic technically didn't like, but it was always in service of achieving the Republic's end goal, whatever that may have been. They were very good soldiers, just soldiers that understood the value of creative thinking. "You want me to reach this location? Of course! I'll reach it by cutting across the grass, despite you asking me to follow the path already laid out. But our goal and the Regs' goal is exactly the same: fulfill your mission. That's our purpose in this life."

And then the Republic became the Empire.

Every one of these characters has a need to serve some higher purpose, to complete missions for the benefit of another. Overlooking the very literal ways in which they may have been genetically predisposed towards this (like the chip), and the cultural brainwashing that went on the second they were born (this is your duty, this is your purpose, this is all you exist for), this is, simply put, all they've ever known. Though it's possible to walk away from that need, it's by no means easy. So what saves the majority of the Batch from falling into that "Republic, Empire, what's the difference?" thinking out of a need to serve someone?

Omega.

I think it's crucial that the second they abandon one mission—killing civilians for the Empire—there's already new mission waiting for them to focus on instead—rescue and protect Omega, indefinitely. That's Hunter's thinking. We're not going to do A, we're going do B instead. All they did was put that single-minded focus onto a new target, but the focus—the need—still exists. And we see that throughout the first season, where everything the Batch does is in service to Omega. Their life decisions revolve entirely around her, from very small things (here's your own room on the ship) to the much larger (we need to stay on the move to help you avoid bounty hunters, even if we may want to find someplace to stay). The purpose of a soldier has been mapped onto the purpose of a parent, with the new, ongoing goal being "Raise Child" as opposed to "Win War." Putting aside for the moment the fact that this is an action-adventure show and thus exciting plot has to happen, I think it's notable that no one suggests non-soldier-y things to help them make money. Tech isn't offering his intellect as an easy way to make credits, nor Wrecker his strength. No one is seriously thinking of a planet they could hide out on, even from bounty hunters, so as to raise Omega in peace. They are still, fundamentally, the people they were during the time of the Republic, people who need to fight for something. Literally fight. It's just now they're chaotically fulfilling missions for Cid so they can give Omega a halfway decent life, rather than chaotically fulfilling missions for a general so they can give the Republic a chance at winning the war.

Omega is the new focus, the new Republic stand-in, but what happens if she's not an option? (Would have been really interesting to see what the Batch did if she'd actually left with Cut.) Without the chip affecting his thoughts, I fully believe Crosshair would have left with the others. Why wouldn't he? That's his family and, per Hunter's orders, Omega is the new mission. But the chip ensured he missed that chance and by the time he came out of it (if he came out of it), it was too late. His squad was gone, they never came back, and Crosshair needs to find a new place in this galaxy, just like they did. Except his options are far more limited and suck a whole lot more. I can't recall anything that implies Crosshair thinks the Empire will save the galaxy, but he does think it's going to control it and he's looking for his own purpose in this new life. Why not find purpose in the winning side? He can serve the Empire just like they served the Republic. He can serve the Empire just like his squad now serves Omega. The need to belong somewhere, to have that larger goal, outweighs those pesky ethical issues, at least for now. Though to me the "Good soldiers follow orders" really, really still sounds like chip influence, it can also be read as a broader acknowledgment that yes, they are fundamentally soldiers and yes, they do need orders of one kind or another. They need that mission. That goal. That purpose. Someone who helps to guide them in this new, crazy galaxy. Yeah, they've always bent and gotten creative with the orders, but until 4/5ths of them left the Empire, they'd never ignored the orders as a whole. None of the Bad Batch went, "I'm not taking this mission because the Admiral was an asshole to us about it and I don't feel like it :/" They suck up all the hard parts—the awful treatment, the danger, the general difficulty—because they have a goal to fulfill. They live for having a goal, literally in the sense that this is what they were made for. The Bad Batch is still doing that with Cid, putting up with bad treatment, dangerous situations, and general difficulty because they have that larger goal of taking care of Omega. Crosshair missed out on that, so he latched onto the Empire instead. Which circles right back around to previous points that if the Batch had tried to rescue him and/or been more welcoming when offering his return, Crosshair likely would have joined in on the Omega mission too. It's the best new purpose for all of them.

Crosshair sees himself as a soldier because, right now, being a soldier of the Empire is the only way he can find the purpose and belonging that the rest of the Batch maintained with each other and Omega, back when he was left behind. No, he's not dumb, but the logistics of the situation outweigh his knowledge that things are far from perfect. Do we think the Batch doesn't also realize that Cid is continually taking advantage of them with 70/30 splits? Of course not. But they need a way to survive and, right now, this is it. Crosshair likewise recognizes that the Empire is treating him as a pawn—I think he was in denial prior to the bombing, but now he definitely knows—but what other option is there? Not his squad. As discussed, he feels strongly that he's no longer welcome with them, with good reason. The only other option is to go off on his own, something that's incredibly foreign to clones who were bred to serve that higher purpose alongside many, many brothers. Yes, we've seen one or two who manage that—like Cut—but they're the outliers. Rex found his new purpose fighting the Empire with Ahsoka. The Batch found their new purpose taking care of Omega with each other. Crosshair's new purpose is... nothing. Not unless he swallows down his misgivings (and his ego) and keeps serving the Empire until a better purpose comes along.

[okay-victoria]

Random Personal Rant

For anyone somehow here not from the original thread, this started off me getting asked what finishing school is and me getting shit off my chest that is only mildly relevant about how I could both be of the social class that gets sent to finishing school and grows up on welfare.

With an understanding that in many parts of the world it wouldn't qualify as so, as far as the US goes, my dad is from what counts as a very old money family from Baltimore & Philadelphia. Both his siblings went to college and one now owns a major hedge fund, and his sister is married to a C-level executive at a huge conglomerate. His parents went to college. His grandparents went to college. All eight of his great grandparents went to college. My dad...did not go to college. He was not about that life, and while I don't mean it as an insult, when I say his primary occupation until I was ~5 was a drummer in a mediocre band I mean that he opened for a lot of great acts, and if you lived in the Boston to Atlanta area in the 80s you may have heard him play, but he was never a huge national name. But he wasn't an amateur band playing for free at some random local gig either.

My mom grew up on a chicken farm in a Mennonite family in Pennsylvania but also completely rejected her heritage and became a model, sort of like my father, of mediocre status. Not Giselle Bundchen, but had national contracts and if you have a Graco ad/box from 1990-1993 you might see both me and her on it. They met because my mom's friends placed bets, one each, on who could sleep with a member of their favorite local band first and my mom picked my dad and...my mom was actually supposed to go be a model in Tokyo and found out she was pregnant with me and couldn't go 😂

So, after my parents had two kids back to back with a third on the way and determined they needed lifestyles more in line with having three children, they became much poorer than they originally were because my mom stopped working and my dad, with a barely-passed-high-school education but needing a true "day job" worked day labor in construction. My dad's father was too proud to give us money/help if my dad didn't beg for it; despite having eventually four young children my dad never did so we ended up on all the state assistance programs one could imagine. My grandma jokes that dinners at my parents house were BYOC - bring your own chair, because we didn't own any.

My mother and paternal grandmother had no such pride issues and I live in eternal gratitude that my welfare childhood was not as crappy as it should have been because my grandmother would have my mom accompany her on grocery runs and buy us food without my father or grandfather knowing, and every Christmas and birthday my grandparents/godparents could give us the one big ticket gift all the kids wanted that year. But, on the other side, I once got stung by a bee inside my mouth because my brother threw a hairbrush through a cracked window at me and broke it and we couldn't afford to fix it for about two years and a hornet got in one day and rested himself in my coke can (my parents were the very American type that fed me coca-cola in baby bottles at age 8 when I was jealous of my younger siblings lol).

It is hard not to believe in "toxic masculinity" when two men warring over dumbass pride issues would rather their children/grandchildren go without food than suck it up and decide 'help' isn't the worst word in the English language, and you know you've only been saved by two women who came from totally different backgrounds and entirely disapproved of each other but reached out the hand to shake when it came down to toddlers getting the short end of the don't-bend-the-knee stick. It wasn't that either of the men were bad people, I loved them both and got along great with both, but on a societal level I feel they were socialized in a very fucked up way if that was the end result, as both claimed "male pride" in these instances [my dad took multiple thousands of dollars I'd saved from working during college from me during the 2008-2010 financial crisis and didn't tell me and that was the reason I was given for why I hadn't been informed/asked, because it would be too emotionally difficult for an adult man to ask a young woman. My graduation present was them repaying me 1/3 of the money they'd taken from me without asking because I'd like, trusted them when it had been in a joint account that was a holdover from when I was <18 and couldn't have my own bank account].

While in some ways my parents on the surface achieved the American dream of going from nothing to a bunch of money, the real factor in play was that my dad's father was the bank. My parents had no credit and couldn't get real loans. My dad worked construction and during the two major periods that flipping houses was very lucrative, he never had to get an actual loan or pay actual interest, he just had to ask his father to pay out cash and then repay him at a flat 2% interest rate that didn't even accrue over time, just...whenever you are ready, repay the value of the loan + 2%. Because my father was doing something productive, in these instances, my grandfather was happy to pay, because it wasn't giving away money, it was loaning it. I had a very weird situation of mostly being poor but like also getting taken to the "big donors" events at the Kennedy Center and my grandparents regularly buying me a dress as a child worth more than my mom's wedding dress and also needing to pretend I fit in with these people.

And look. When I say "these people"...honestly, by and large, most wealthy people, whether inherited or not, are not the assholes you want to imagine. Most of them are extremely nice. Most of them are generous when it comes to the less fortunate who are in their personal sphere of being. Most of them are just really out of touch. The 100% kindest of all of them that I know once relayed to me that she thought people would be happier if once a year they did what she did...go to the airport with a purse packed full of absolute necessities, buy a one way ticket to the most appealing destination on the flight board, buy your clothes and book your accommodations after you'd arrived, and come back after you felt you'd 'centered' yourself. She didn't understand why there were so many unhappy people who weren't taking this very obvious route to being happier. I didn't quite know how to explain that saying "most" people couldn't afford to do that either financially or from a job/career angle didn't even cover it, as "most" sounds like 70% instead of 99.7%.

I was both my parents eldest son and eldest daughter in the worst combination possible. I was the eldest son because I was the most stereotypically male of all my siblings, in everything from desire to physically fight the battles I was given to dislike of shopping/fashion to lack of emotional connection to my relationships, so I can now fix your average household plumbing/drywall/electrical issue better than most "city" guys I interact with and remain less clingy to them in the process. I was also very much the oldest daughter from a responsibility perspective, I managed our household and from age 10 - 24 managed the finances of our family business, my mom almost died giving birth to my youngest brother after a ruptured uterus that should never have happened in the first place if we had adequate insurance to get her a non-emergency C-section (I was just past 9 years old at the time) and I was informally withdrawn from school for two years to take care of the family when she couldn't because there is no paid parental leave in the US and we got double-fucked by the medical industry because she got a bad "mesh" put in and then had to have a further surgery to repair that which we also had to pay for and didn't have the money to win a lawsuit over.

I don't know quite how to put this, but in the deepest fuck you of the universe, my rich-immigrant-ggggg grandfather's money led to him owning banks, insurance companies, etc, and the family cashed out in a big way when their ownership was bought by and merged with what is now Cigna, one of the biggest US healthcare insurers, and my nuclear family specifically got screwed by the American health insurance industry, but anyway, we were the people selected for that karmic comeuppance so if you want to feel schadenfreude at my expense, I'll allow it without begrudging the sentiment, my family might have fucked up your family’s life too, not just their own.

I got up twice a night to feed my brother because my dad had to sleep unmolested in my room to get to work and my mom was too weak to carry my brother or even hold him against her while she nursed so I had to hold him up to her. Adjusting to living in a city and hearing lots of random noises all the time was not easy when I'd had mom sound instincts from age 9.

I learned to drive the fall my youngest bro was born because my mom couldn't and I had to get my middle brother to preschool and go the grocery store on my own. While I hold absolutely no ill will towards my father or grandfather for this and given that about 1/3 of my paternal family either has an autism diagnosis or should, I fully feel the struggles they both went through to be communicated with, my father wouldn't ask for help, and my grandmother that lived 20 minutes away couldn't give enough help because my grandfather refused to do a single dish on his own as that was outside their "marriage contract" type agreement and she couldn't ever stay with us overnight when there wasn't a clearly-communicated need, so they let the burden fall on a 9 - 11 year old child and that really shaped a lot of my life in both good and bad ways. My youngest brother is 22, and we have only just climbed out of the medical debt his birth left us with between my dad's life insurance and my oldest brother and I paying for the extra cost of out-of-state college tuition.

The irony of all of this is that because my father died before his father, when my grandmother dies, my siblings and I will all inherit enough money (as a non-blood relative my mom, despite keeping her vows to part at death and not having remarried in eight years, is cut out entirely) to make this a non-issue, but my grandfather couldn't conscience spotting his unluckiest child some money in the end of days to pay for my youngest two brothers' education and take that worry off my father as he was dying. The day before he died I had to hold him down in bed to keep him from trying to climb in his truck to go to work because he was so anxious about trying to provide for us in spite of his father having fuck you money, because his father didn't think it was fair to the other siblings (who, at the time, still owned a major hedge fund and were married to a C-level executive of a huge conglomerate). A day and a half later I went back to my job because at the time I was then the sole provider for the family and didn't want to risk asking for the standard week's bereavement leave when I knew I was capable of showing up at work the next day and was fresh out of college so hadn't built up a reputation yet.

My father worked the day each of us was born, so I suppose it is only fair and he smiled at the choice. In spite of what it may seem, I gave a baller and very heartfelt speech at his funeral to all his rich friends that over and above everything, he'd taught us how to be happy with our own lives no matter what, and multiple of them emailed my mom in the aftermath to say they'd reassessed their relationship with their children in light of it, although...tbh I kind of doubt that lasted and they probably changed nothing 😅. The last good talk I had with him, two weeks before he died [his liver was going and it sent toxins to his brain that de-personed him after that and he no longer recognized me as his daughter, but as his sister], I reassured him that though we would all be sad he'd gone, we'd live on just fine without him because that's how he'd raised us, and according to my mom that was what gave him the final bit of peace he needed. Although honestly, I don't think I will ever see the strength in another human again that it took my grandmother to sit next to him and stroke his hand and tell him to close his eyes and imagine he was happy on a beach and die, for God's sake, because he was unaware and in pain and just prolonging it for our sake by then.

That type of obsession my grandfather had with assessing his children and grandchildren on the basis of economic productivity and a very black and white idea of "fair" is one you don't easily forget, I promise you. My hedge fund uncle is currently positioning himself to screw us out of our inheritance because of janky writing in the will and I'm doing my fuck all best to gain the wherewithal to go toe-to-toe with this cold motherfucker in court as the oldest and representative member of my happily much nicer and softer younger brothers who I want to remain that way not because I even care that much about the money, I know what bills affect your credit first and what you can put off paying and all of us have good enough career prospects to do our own thing, but just because I want to give the middle finger to a man that was a multi-millionaire and drew lines on his milk and orange juice bottles when I came over so he knew if I drank what my parents couldn't afford when I was approximately six. Anyway, ask me why I support major reforms in wealth taxation. I don't care who it goes to, just not that guy, you feel?

Having expendable income was very exciting for a bit after I started working but once I got to the hateable point of assessing my annual bonus and internally complaining that I'd spent the money I should have spent on a Sauternes cellar to drop five digits on bedset materials (to be fair they are drop dead gorgeous, very comfy and the factory pays a living wage for people to handmake the sheets/duvets/pillows to people in San Francisco, which is not cheap, so maybe I did more good than harm with that), I two seconds later nodded to myself and went "the government needs to confiscate more money from me". The narrative is always that the "undeserving" will use it for dumb things they don't need like iPhones or refrigerators...?...but like...I could also have gone to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought a very nice sheet/comforter set for at most a tenth of what I paid so am I really spending it responsibly either....?....who is going to get more joy out of this misspent money....?....not me, that is for sure, I probably would have had more fun going to BBB and laying on all the demo beds and buying something there.

My lifelong dream, which may become possible if/when I do have something of an inheritance, is to provide food security for one of the many towns in the US were most residents don't have it. It's the thing I remember the most distinctly over the years. I never could quite believe it when I got to the point that I could just...pay to eat at a restaurant. One of the most disappointed my mother has ever been in me is when I was twenty five and confessed I actually had no idea how much a gallon of milk cost in a city grocery store besides that it was probably between $1 and $5, because I didn't have to know. For now I make a weekly drop off of my excess produce to a mom group I met under somewhat weird circumstances but I was walking through the cut-through that went through the low-income housing back to my apartment at like 2 AM on a Saturday and these moms were out there partying and smoking weed with their kids all strapped in strollers around or the older ones watched by a rotating member of the group and I felt very safe and like these moms had a very good vibe of both living their own lives [seriously for mental health parents but in most cases specifically mothers need to be able to keep up relationships with people their age] but keeping their children safe and accounted for while doing so and trying their fuckin' best against all the odds to figure out how to make that happen when life had dealt them a shit hand.

...anyway, looping way back to the original question of what finishing school is, when I was almost done with middle school my dad had built a legit construction business that then very quickly took off because we lived in a commutable zip code to the now-rich-in-their-own-right people he went to high school with who trusted him to redo their homes. We eventually moved to that zip code but I stayed and commuted back to my old high school. But, i was a pretty wild kid which my father appreciated for a long while because I would follow him around on jobs and enjoy doing physical labor, but once I was mid-puberty and also he had to maybe show me to his high school friends that did not fly.

I snapped - not broke, snapped - my left thumb and my parents had to trap me like a wild animal to get me to go the hospital. Then I got a deep cut that partially injured a tendon in my leg and at eleven I tried to beat the shit out of my dad to prevent him from picking me up to strap me in the car and go to the hopsital. Next I got a deep splinter due to my eternal-barefoot tendencies and it wouldn't come out so got infected and I refused to go to the doctor [another weird back story but I was minorly sexually assaulted [[to be clear, not raped or anything big traumatic]] when I was eight and had to stay in hospital for a week and my parents couldn't be with me all the time so I have a permanent heebie-jeebie about going to the hospital, not true anxiety, I will go if I know I need to and I don't breathe heavy or anything, and I'm actually not permanently weirded out by sex or anything, just doctors in hospitals specifically I kind of unconsciously try to justify not needing to the extent I can rationalize it] and my dad was tired of my antics so he was like "fine if you don't go I will slice your foot in half with a Swiss Army knife to get it out" and I called his bluff and laid down on the floor, stuck my foot on his lap, and he didn't really know what to do when a barely fourteen year old girl called his bluff so my brothers watched in fascinated but horrified awe as I got my foot sliced open spectacularly so that the infection/splinter could come out and I didn't even make a sound out of spite despite it being quite painful to my recollection almost twenty years later.

They saw me cry from pain exactly one time when while trying to break up a fight between all three of them (it was over ice cream) I got pushed and my ankle got dislocated and what actually made me cry was snapping it back in place and they realized it was not a joke. These dumb assholes that I love have ragged on me for "skipping" chores the day after I was in the hospital because the day before that I had to spend 18 hours running Thanksgiving as a good sub-hostess like I didn't have a serious infection that needed treating and couldn't rest because none of them were up to any task beyond peeling potatoes.

After the Swiss Army knife incident, my dad's discussion of sending me to finishing school became real, which I knew when my mom made me take a walk with her and talked about it. Finishing school is like...etiquette school....? In ye olden day when finishing high school was not the norm for anyone, wealthy men finished high school and wealthy women often went to "finishing" school to have a combined education on being a proper lady but also being able to hold a decent conversation with your presumably-educated husband, so it wasn't entirely etiquette non-academic. It was more just like "what a rich man wants in a wife" school, which was sort of household management and knowing enough about cleaning/cooking to correct the staff if they fucked up, how to be a polite hostess, and how to not entirely bore him when you were alone together and had done your five minutes of sex or whatever so actually had to have a conversation. In modern times it has obviously expanded to be less bleak.

I said miss me with that, I can be a girl on my own, so I went full throttle into the girliest sport they offer in high school and ever since have gained the inestimable advantage of knowing how to also use femininity to my advantage, which I am very grateful to my parents for making me learn. It would be great if we lived in a world where that didn't count, but it did/still does, and they really set me up to operate in all the worlds.

It is weird for me to tell the story to Internet strangers because it's one of those things that makes your parents sound terrible and abusive in the general tone of the Internet nowadays, and while I support gender nonconforming children I don't remember my childhood or parents that way. But, I feel like the bits and pieces of my life I've given don't always make a ton of sense together without the context, so here it is, and in the end, I think a number of parts of it are areas where you can probably understand where it makes me have the opinions I do when I write.

Anyhoo, this makes my life sound far worse than it is, I actually have a great life and I am not unhappy with it at all and feel I was on the whole blessed with many more turns of luck than unluck, so, please, do not take this as a depressed artist rant, it is more like a rant of a very energetic person who rants about a lot of things all the time and didn’t need to come out but just did because the question was asked and the time was right with my life being in a bit of flux to think about how I got where I am and where I want to go and why.

Always remember no matter what problems it seems like I have, if I didn’t solve them on my 2 year round the world traveling hiatus I took from working, it’s my own fault, I definitely had the time and money to solve them and just chose not to.

[lov3nerdstuff]

Voluptas Noctis Aeternae {Part 7.32}

*Severus Snape x OC*

Summary: It is the year 1983 when the ordinary life of Robin Mitchell takes a drastic turn: she is accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Despite the struggles of being a muggle-born in Slytherin, she soon discovers her passion for Potions, and even manages the impossible: gaining the favor of Severus Snape. Throughout the years, Robin finds that the not quite so ordinary Potions Professor goes from being a brooding stranger to being more than she had ever deemed possible. An ally, a mentor, a friend... and eventually, the person she loves the most. Through adventure, prophecies and the little struggles of daily life in a castle full of mysteries, Robin chooses a path for herself, an unlikely friendship blossoms into something more, and two people abandoned by the world can finally find a home.

General warnings: professor x student, blood, violence, trauma, neglectful families, bullying, cursing

Words: 5.7k

Read Part 1.1 here! All Parts can be found on the Masterlist!

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Half an hour after dinner had been over with, Robin made her way to the foot of the astronomy tower with Cas, Melissa and Lisa in tow. The latter hadn't been part of the original plan, but due to circumstance Robin had spontaneously decided that six eyes might yet see more than four. Thus the three younger girls were babbling excitedly all along the way now, each wrapped into their warmest robes upon Robin's insistent command, and they did not falter to chat even as Robin wordlessly unlocked the door that led to the tower's staircase. 

It was sealed with the same spell as all the other classrooms, and once again she wondered why none of the students had figured out the spell to unlock either just yet… But then again, perhaps it was one of those spells that couldn't be discovered without the permission to have such knowledge in the first place. The castle seemed to have a sentience in that regard, that much Robin could tell from just her limited experience with ancient magic. That however was a topic for another day, and Robin went on to usher her company up the stairs ahead of her now, or else they would never arrive on top of the tower before Morgan was prone to leave. Otherwise, things were all set by now, at long last and after a whole lot of unwanted social interactions.

In the past thirty minutes, Robin had gone on to make another minor change to her plans. Instead of having Snape write them a note to have them stay out past curfew, Robin had simply sought out the professor who was on patrol duty that night and let him know –in her usual intimidatingly neutral manner– that the girls were to be excluded from curfew, and were very well supposed to be up in the astronomy tower on their own for the next few hours. Unsurprisingly, the man had simply taken Robin's word for it, and nodded his understanding and compliance without questioning her non-existent authority in this matter. Nobody questioned her these days; it was as if an unspoken rule had made rounds among the staff of Hogwarts that Robin was sheer unimpeachable, and the occasional un-student-like matters she concerned herself with were either to be supported or overlooked.

Really, if Robin had to guess, she would've said that this was entirely Dumbledore's doing. It had to be, because not even Snape's authority stretched far enough to warrant such a universally easy acceptance of any and every of her unusual behaviours. And giving the patrolling professor instructions on who and who not to hold accountable to curfew tonight, without even as much as mentioning Snape or anyone else of actual authority in the conversation, certainly was such a behaviour.

"Are you sure we won't get into trouble for being up here, and staying here past curfew?" Cas asked as if on cue, right when Robin's string of thought came to a momentary conclusion. "I mean… we're technically breaking more than just one rule right now, aren't we?"

"You aren't breaking any rule at all currently, nor will you if you do as I say." She replied with a half smile, almost a little out of breath when they finally reached the top of the stairs. "And you've always wanted to 'do fun things like me', isn't that what you said last week? This right here is something of the very likes of that."

"True. If you say we're good then we're good." Cas sighed, and the usual wide smile spread on her face as she skipped ahead to the large window that overlooked the landscape beyond the school. It really was a marvelous sight one had from up here… but Robin had no time to dwell on it.

In as few words as possible, she explained to the girls that – supposedly because of her challenge with the boys – she needed to be alerted when Morgan left the castle, as well as when he returned here. To Robin's surprise, all three girls seemed beyond eager to help her with this endeavour, and they agreed to let her know of Morgan's movements as soon as they could. Content with that, Robin left them to themselves and the night as she made her way back down the tower, and further down into the dungeons. Should Cas and her friends do the waiting and watching up there… Robin was only too happy to wait down in the office with Snape instead, where they could let their guards down without anyone getting in the way. She deserved a little break before the inevitable nightmare that was this endeavour with Morgan continued. Before they would have to deal with all those unanswered questions, and the prospect of perhaps inevitable death.

Once Robin let herself into the office as always, she was more than happy to see that Snape was waiting for her already, and he in return wasted no time before locking the doors back up even more meticulously than usual. He obviously hadn't run into Morgan either then… Good. Robin let out a long breath in the knowledge that she could finally relax for the first time in hours. At least for this fleeting moment.

While she went on to make them coffee first of all, Snape explained –upon her insistent request– how exactly he had ensured that Morgan would be leaving the castle tonight. In the end, it had been a simple work of manipulation and deceit to him, and Robin was in awe as ever at both the sheer brilliance and power that came so naturally to Snape it would never cease to impress her. Especially since he had done the exact same thing she had, but around way more edges and corners. To think that he so easily could get anything he wanted… it made her skin tingle, and her mind take incessant pride in the fact that he still had chosen her to be his equal. The shivers of delight that rolled over her upon the thought were a sweet torture, but a distraction from the topic at hand. She placed his coffee in front of him, then sat down across from him in her usual seat and listened on.

First of all, Snape had convinced McGonagall, through saying and not saying the right things at the right time, that there recently had been severe tensions between the teaching staff that were having a negative impact on the students. That much was only too true, after all. Of course his scarce words to the woman had been a mere complaint about the facts, not a notice or suggestion for improvement, but he had precisely known how they would be understood and acted upon nonetheless. McGonagall, good-hearted as she was, had of course sought to take immediate action by herself, seeing as Snape had as always shown absolutely no interest in the issue. And as predicted, there had been only one person the deputy headmistress would be going to in such a situation that was far below the headmaster's reach of interests; McGonagall had gone to Professor Sprout. And Sprout, as talented as she was with her plants, had one of the most unguarded and manipulable minds of all the professors. Therefore she had been the easiest target for Snape's long line of manipulation in return. All it had taken was a few hints strategically dropped into the woman's mind, and she had suggested an evening in Hogsmeade for the staff who wasn't needed in the castle tonight. McGonagall had trusted her colleague's Hufflepuff intuition when it came to groups of people, and thereby it had been settled. The majority of the staff had the night off to go to Hogsmeade. Lastly then, all it had taken was for Snape to see to it that Sprout pitied Morgan enough for his black eye to offer to buy the man a drink, to ensure that Morgan really would be coming along. That's how Damion Morgan had been tricked into going on a colleagues' night out, without being any wiser of the long line that had led up to this point. Brilliant, really.

"And how did you get out of it?" Robin asked with a partially humoured, partially admiring smile, then emptied the last of her coffee and set the mug down on the table between them. "Out of coming along, I mean."

"I did not have to get out of anything." He replied easily, while leaning back in his chair across from her with a not-smirk. "Because I wasn't asked to come along in the first place."

Robin's brows furrowed into an incredulous frown in an instant, while the subtle humour that was currently painted on his face was entirely absent from hers. "What do you mean? I thought you didn't have any official duties tonight… you shouldn't be needed at school."

"True, but I believe my colleagues were well able to anticipate my answer to such an invitation, and therefore simply spared themselves the vanity of asking."

"Well, they should have asked nonetheless. I very well remember what it's like to be left out of everything all the time, it sucks no matter if you actually would've wanted to go or not."

"Would you have wanted me to go, if it hadn't been for the ordeal with Morgan?" He quirked an eyebrow at her in question, even though he already seemed to know the answer she would give. He was merely making a point with this question. Robin let out a sigh.

"I would have wanted for you to have a choice." She finally replied, then leaned as far across the table as she had to in order to catch his hand and hold onto it. If he was making a point, so could she. "I would never choose to spend the evening without you if it can be helped, you know that. Of course I wouldn't want you to go anywhere I can't follow. But I'm not selfish enough to put my own happiness over yours."

In a heartbeat the small table between them vanished, the very table Robin had been leaning her entire weight upon for the last minute, and she let out a quiet yelp when she fell forward until the hard wood's support was replaced by Snape's arms that pulled her up and closer. An instant later she was seated in his lap, straddling his legs while her heartbeat exploded in a sudden intensity and a wild rush of adrenaline carried both waves of tingles and desire through her body. How did he keep doing that?! How did he unravel her so softly?

Still, she met his expression of well hidden amusement with an obviously feigned glare. That much was almost tradition by now, for moments like this happened a lot lately; he always found a reason or opportunity to pull her into his lap when they weren't working, or to trap her against a shelf or bookcase when they were, and it was positively driving her insane. In the best ways possible, the most allconsuming ones. And while he had never openly admitted it, Robin knew that he craved their affections just as much as she did, and needed them perhaps even more. It was a thought to marvel at, really… such a powerful being, so entirely at the mercy of her love.

"You are getting lost again, and I am curious to know what could be so fascinating to think about that it surpasses the current predicament." He said so softly only and yet succeeded to draw Robin out of her mind in an instant. Or perhaps it was his fingers that traced along her back, caressing the sliver of bare skin right beneath the hem of her jumper. The former brought a smile to her lips, the latter a line of goosebumps to cover her skin.

In a haze of her own thoughts as well as the liquid warmth spreading through her veins in that moment, Robin took a leap of faith and tried something she had always been careful to avoid before. She reached out to his mind for once, in the same gentle request for entrance that she usually was subject to herself. The humour faded off Snape's face in an instant, and his eyes widened oh so slightly while yet never parting from her own. Another shiver overtook Robin, leaving even more goosebumps in its wake. She couldn't help holding her breath.

But then, eternities and broken seconds later, the barriers fell, and she found herself surrounded by an overwhelming mixture of emotions. A mind as complex as to truly do him justice, a chaos that yet seemed as perfect to Robin as anything in existence and beyond could ever be. His thoughts were as graspable to her as her very own, everything in his mind was, and to experience that was absolutely breathtaking. Bloody hell… his emotions were a mess. Her own however, the ones she chose to share with him right then, were as simple as love and gratitude. His response to that, the frenzied rush of both relief and adoration she felt immediately in his mind, and the joy this entire process sparked within her brought a radiant smile to her lips in an instant.

'You let me in…' She phrased in words like he had earlier that evening, careful not to squeal in her excitement nor let all too much astonishment shine through. The slightest tug on the corner of his lips told her that this was only a partial success.

'I did.' He answered in thought out words in return, a gesture that was accompanied by a hint of humour, a dash of pride, and still a lot of nervousness. Really, Robin had known that he was way more afraid of certain matters than he let on on the outside, but seeing it so clearly laid out in front of her still brought over her a rush of fierce protectiveness.

'You don't have to let me do this, you know that, right?' She couldn't help asking out of concern though, glad that she didn't have to rely on the tone of her voice to convey precisely what she meant. She would still love him no less if he had his boundaries, if he didn't give her everything she ever asked for. Sharing all that as emotions was far easier than with words. And it allowed for a far more elaborate answer in return.

The nervousness now entirely at ban, Robin found herself dropped amidst an ocean in his mind, an unfathomable depth where she was hit by a multitude of emotions with the crushing force of mountainous waves. A force that took her breath away and brought tears to her eyes at the same time. Yes, he certainly knew both depth and maddening passion to keep up with her very own by far. And in the very same, his reply to her question washed over her and dragged her under.

He would give anything to her, anything and everything, over and over and over again. Not because he had to, but because it was part of the way he loved. Part of the ocean. The way he loved her, an unfathomable depth, a force impossible to resist. Devotion that was a perfect mirror of her own.

For a moment Robin's head was spinning with sheer overwhelm, until she remembered faintly that she had to share her thoughts with him this time. Intentionally, purposefully. Yet, the first thing she tried to convey ended up a jumbled mess of both 'I love you' and 'You are everything' in a string of arbitrary repetitions, that however still served to bring a smile to his face. Then she shared her feeling of overwhelm, but also the deepest adoration of all she had seen, and surprisingly enough was met with a rush of self-consciousness in his mind in return. She found that beyond endearing, but decided better not to show him that in return, only to take delight in it herself. An instant later, he thought that she should stop smirking already, and that made Robin laugh both on the inside and the outside. Something in his mind relaxed, while something else roared up in joy and pride upon having made her laugh. Again, Robin could only marvel at how his mind responded to absolutely everything she did in such a breathtaking way.

'Does it also feel this intoxicatingly pleasurable and yet entirely calming when you let me into your mind?' He asked after a moment, in distinct words once more that Robin now discovered were far easier to decipher than the emotions and ordinary thoughts.

'Obviously.' She thought, but the accompanying smirk came onto her lips for real nonetheless. 'Has no one ever been in your mind before?'

'People have tried, but of course never nearly succeed. The attempts however were always quite painful, actually.'

'It's only painful if you try to keep someone out. The more you accept them into your mind, the better it feels to have them there. But I assume it's also about the connection you have to that person, how close your minds are and how much you trust them.'

'How do you know that so well?'

'Seven years of experience and practice with you.' The smirk on Robin's lips turned into a grin as she showed him brief flashbacks of the countless examples of how the feeling of having him in her mind had changed over time. She saw curiosity and a hint of awe in his own thoughts in return, as well as the uproaring desire to kiss her breathless even though they were still in the office.

Curiosity was precisely what struck Robin then as well, an ineffable desire to discover more about the ways and possibilities of this mental connection, and she found herself unable to resist both this temptation and the unintentional invitation his mind was almost shouting at her now. Therefore, she gave in to either. Leaning in through the distance between them that was minimal in the first place, she touched her lips to his only lightly for now, and yet the result was no less explosive than being dropped into his ocean in the first place. With a tiny gasp she pulled back again, and immediately felt his confusion alongside a little spark of fear.

"That was… indescribable." She breathed with real words of sincere astonishment for once, while yet the thoughts she showed to him were full of reassurance. The negative emotions in his mind became replaced by curiosity and even a little amusement in an instant, and she was immediately pleased with that. Was her own mind quite that responsive as well?

"Would you kindly elaborate?" He quirked an eyebrow at her with an almost straight face, and Robin had to snicker at the echo loop of amusement that followed between them.

"Have you ever tried looking into my mind while kissing me?" She asked, after deciding that they might as well use actual words for now, since she was the one doing the explaining anyway.

"I have not, seeing as I was rather distracted at those moments. I had better things to do than thinking about advanced magic." He rolled his eyes while he answered, but Robin could for once undoubtedly tell that the gesture was directed at himself. Indeed, he was minorly irked by the fact that he himself had never before had the idea to try just what she was suggesting now. Again, Robin found his thought both endearing and relatable.

"Do you think you can look into my mind while I'm inside yours? I still haven't understood that part of the thing we're doing here, if it's a two way street or not." She gave him an encouraging smile, and was met by a really fast string of thoughts and contemplations in return as he tried to give any other answer than that he didn't know either. Funnily enough, his lack of an answer didn't seem to embarrass him in the slightest, not in front of her at least, but only to encourage him to do better and be of help to her in finding an answer together. Oh, Robin loved that beyond measure, and she decided to share the resulting wave of adoration with him in return. It brought his mind to an immediate halt, as if he had forgotten that she could see his every thought in the first place.

"Perhaps we can just try?" She suggested calmly, curiously. "If it doesn't work, we can still look for other options."

Agreement. He didn't need to speak for her to understand that much. A second later, the comfort of his presence was again inside her mind, and for two breathtaking seconds they really closed the circle of their shared thoughts and emotions. A firework of feelings, doubled in every prevalent intensity, a heightening of all their senses. Indescribable indeed. Then however Robin felt her grasp on the spell quivering, faltering, and finally vanishing entirely, with the result that she was abruptly thrown out of Snape's mind completely. At least she could still feel his presence inside her own, or she would have pouted in sheer disappointment. Not that he would have needed the gesture now, the mere thought inside her mind sufficed to make him smirk. Right… beautiful mind, but still an insufferable idiot.

"I can hear your thoughts again, you do realize that, yes?" He quirked an eyebrow at her, and now it was Robin's turn to grin.

"Yes, I'm well aware." She chuckled, then finally moved her hands from his shoulders to caress the skin on his neck beneath the soft curtains of hair. Too bad she couldn't hear his reaction to that anymore. "Any idea why I got kicked out of your mind? And don't say I just messed up, because we both know better than that."

"I believe it might be more difficult to uphold the former connection once the latter is established. Seeing as I am more practiced in the art, perhaps we should try again now that I am in your head first." He suggested easily, and Robin inwardly rolled her eyes, while however she obviously had to admit that he of course was way more practiced in it indeed. Really, he was better at mostly everything if she was being honest now, but she regretted that thought immediately when she saw the smirk tugging on his lips. "I do feel rather flattered, while yet I am inclined to disagree."

"And why is that?"

"Didn't you want to return into my mind anyway? I would hate having to praise you out loud." He quipped, and Robin tugged on a strand of his hair in return, which earned her a small glare. Yet, she only smirked at Snape and took a deep breath before trying and being allowed into his mind once more.

Again, the fireworks and heightened senses overtook them both body and mind, but while still difficult to uphold, the connection this time lingered on. The subtle touches on her back, his fingers tracing her skin, as intense and real as her hands on him, the same feeling, the overwhelming exciting comfort. Only now it all seemed doubled, different, part of a shared existence. And still he wanted her to know his answer to what she had asked, what he would always answer in any way. Robin saw precisely what he had said once before, the utmost belief that she was so much better than him in every way. Her mind replied with instant adoration and sincerest doubt, not of him but of herself. She wasn't perfect. He knew. She wasn't perfect, but everything he wanted in the world and still far more.

Robin's immediate reaction was a roaring wave of love that echoed straight back to her once it reached his mind and was met with its equal, while the thought of how much she adored that he could be so accidentally romantic at times was met with a huff and a growl. She couldn't help but chuckle at how subtly, secretly her thought pleased him nonetheless.

'Are you going to kiss me now or do I have to woo you any longer?' He suddenly thought in actual words, but this time around she could hear his voice inside her mind in its near natural depth, every colour and faintest subtone it always had. All the times before, without the circle closing in their minds, it had never been so real, so close. This was new for either of them.

For half a moment Robin laughed at his words and marveled at the sensation, then she smiled, and finally leaned forward until their lips touched in a crescendo of emotions. Indescribable indeed. Addictive, as always, and they found themselves unable and unwilling to stop. Time stood still in perfection like this, just holding each other close while their lips danced to the music of their passion. This was how the world ended, this was how it was reborn.

And this was why they avoided losing themselves in the office, for three feeble knocks on the door startled them both so suddenly that their surprise toppled over inside their shared mindspace. Gasping they pulled back from each other in an instant, while the joining of their minds quivered so strongly that a second later it disappeared altogether. Only then when Robin was alone in her mind once more, she realized how difficult it had been to uphold the connection in the first place, and she almost gasped again at the slightly sore feeling somewhere in her mind. Like an unpracticed muscle, almost, that had suddenly gotten a lot of exercise. Going by the look on Snape's face, he seemed to be experiencing something similar in that moment, and that made Robin smile in contentment. At least they knew now that it wasn't quite a normal mode of legilimency. But it certainly was something to experiment with.

When three slightly louder knocks echoed from the wooden door through the entire office then, Snape immediately rose up from his chair while pulling Robin along and setting her down on her feet in front of him. For a brief moment his mind reached out to her again almost instinctively, sharing a rush of awe that he felt when he looked down at her, taking in her lush lips, stained red from his kisses, the lovely flush on her cheeks and the breathtaking display of lightness and darkness in her eyes. To him she was an emblem of life and passion like this, and Robin inevitably had to smile. He really was accidentally romantic sometimes, or rather his honest sentiments were, while his actions on that basis were usually everything but. For the majority of people it was the other way around, and she couldn't help marveling at that. Perhaps romantic was the wrong word for it after all… he simply was being himself in a way she found absolutely perfect. A beautiful mind on the inside, an insufferable idiot on the outside. Ambivalent and yet oddly fitting as ever. That thought earned her another mostly feigned growl and glare, as well as a subtle hint of pride and amusement he still chose to share with her. Then he finally went to answer the door, and his presence left her mind when he put up his usual public facades.

Robin had exactly three seconds to take a deep breath, to force her appearance back into a normal state with the help of a little charm she cast over both of them for good measure, and finally to return the small table back to where it belonged. Then reality and the events of the day caught up with her, and she sighed at the realization that of course they still had to deal with the Morgan situation, still had to be more than careful and double-check every single step they took. As far as she could tell, Snape seemed to do just that when he opened the door just a gap and with his wand at the ready.

"I, uh, I'm sorry to-, uh… but Robin said…" Unlike what Robin had been expecting, it was Lisa's voice she heard on the other side of the door. The girl's small frame however stayed hidden behind both the door and Snape, even as Robin approached them with a frown. "Robin said that we, I mean I… could find her here?"

There were no words spoken in reply, but instead Robin could feel a hint of warmth, an imprint of Snape's magic barely brushing over her senses in a way she had never noticed before. How odd… Whatever spells he had used, they hadn't been directed at her and yet she had been able to feel his magic, even if only just barely. She didn't get to dwell on how that came to be when he opened the door entirely a few seconds later, motioning for Lisa to get into the office already with a scowl plastered onto his face as always. While the girl complied immediately, Robin made the educated guess that Snape's spells had been a row of security screenings that Lisa however seemed to have taken no notice of. No surprise, his magic was as brilliantly subtle as it was strikingly effective. Perhaps the fact that she could feel it now was a side effect of their previous joining of minds.

"Hey Robin." Lisa's features relaxed the moment her eyes fell onto Robin, who had now taken a perch on the edge of the table. Three steps later, the younger girl came to stand in front of her with a weary expression on her face as she kept glancing over to Snape who had closed the door and was now mirroring Robin's position on the edge of his own desk. Lisa's eyes kept darting between the two of them nervously. "I, uh…"

"We don't have all day, Miss McLain." Snape taunted after a moment of silence, looking both indifferent and annoyed as ever, and Robin gave him a glare before focusing on the girl in front of her.

"I must say I was expecting Cas to come find me herself, but it's alright either way." She started, upon which Lisa seemed to somewhat relax again.

"Yeah, well, Cas did the… spotting, and she said she'd set up the entire thing in the first place, so it was Melissa or I who had to go and well, I was cold anyway and also didn't really mind since it all was so important to you and so, here I am now." The girl rambled, and Robin felt tempted to roll her eyes, not at her but at Cas. Typical as ever, letting others do the work she had no interest in.

"But he did leave now, yes?" Robin still asked to make sure, and Lisa only nodded in return, glancing over at Snape who listened attentively as ever while looking just as bored on the outside. Right… Lisa didn't know that Snape knew of this endeavour, and breaking into a professor's classroom usually wasn't something one wanted the other professors to know about. It didn't matter now, not really.

"We, uh…" Lisa spoke up again at last, focusing back on Robin. "We'll keep watch and let you know if he comes back. Or just… wait until you come and get us, whichever happens first."

"Thank you." Robin gave the girl a half smile, then stood up straight and accompanied her back to the door. "Enjoy the stars for me, yes?"

After giving a court little nod and a shy smile, Lisa scurried back out into the hallway and vanished in the darkness to the right, upon which Robin closed the door again with a sigh. Morgan was gone. And that meant they had to get going.

"If I'm not entirely mistaken, sending someone else was a very Cassandra thing to do." Snape commented after a few seconds of silence, and Robin just had to snort in return.

"Are you still peeking into my mind? Because I was having much the same thought." She replied in subtle amusement, then watched as he got up from the desk and approached her instead. Before she could help it, a smile came to her lips. "I could feel your magic, you know… The screening spells, or rather what I think were screening spells. But I could feel it as unmistakably you."

"Curious…" He mused, while they stepped out into the hallway together. Before locking the office back up however, he halted and motioned for Robin to do it instead. "Would you mind? I'd like to know if I can sense yours as well."

With a huff in both humour and curiosity she did as he suggested, first locking and then warding the door, before looking back up at Snape with her eyebrows raised in question. "And? Feel anything?"

"You. Unmistakably you, precisely as you said." He answered just as they started making their way through the dark hallways. "And yet, had I not seen what you were doing, I wouldn't have known what kind of spells you were using."

"Exactly. I think it might be an aftereffect of what we did before we were interrupted… you know, of connecting our minds like that. Or at least I have never been able to feel anyone else's magic like this before."

"Neither have I." Snape's tone was thoughtful, but Robin could tell that he was no less intrigued by this than she was. After a moment of walking in silence, he finally spoke on with a not-smirk on his lips. "We should continue practicing that connection. I'm curious to discover how far we can go, and what it is capable of."

"And it felt pretty amazing." Robin added with a smirk of her own, glancing up at him to see the sentiment perfectly mirrored in his face.

"Indeed."

______________________________

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[kavkasia]

hey jade I know you said you're busy but 👉👈 could you tell us more about your georgia of? i love the vibes I get from him and I'm not very well versed in the history of the caucasus so I'd love to hear more about him 👀

You know the way to my heart... ❤️

I’m going to ramble, so if you want me to expand on anything don’t be afraid to send an ask about it! I’m just trying to compact my notes and not write one giant paper LOL.

NAME

Human Name: Giorgi (Ilias Dze / Ilyich) Davitashvili

Giorgi — His first name actually started as a joke (Georgia... Giorgi... very clever) but it also works well. The patron saint of Georgia is Saint George: a military saint which has been popular in Georgia for centuries (parts of Georgia post-Christianization are believed to have combined the cult of Saint George with the cult of the pre-Christian moon god Armazi). Giorgi is also the most common male name in Georgia and the name of many Georgian kings.

Ilias Dze / Ilyich — He doesn’t actually use his patronymic anymore, but during the USSR he did have one because Obligatory Russification Time™. It’s after Prince Ilia Chavchavadze, a major contributor to the revival of the Georgian national movement in the late nineteenth century and widely considered to be the “Father of the Nation”.

Davitashvili — A Georgian surname roughly meaning “David’s child”. It’s a reference to the Bagratoni King David IV of Georgia (also known as David the Builder) who is famous for keeping the Seljuk Turks out of Georgia at the Battle of Didgori. It was under his reign that Georgia began to experience its Golden Age and much of the Caucasus region fell into Georgian hands.

AGE

He is around 2500 years old (physically he is in his mid-late 40s).

He considers himself to be an ancient nation like Armenia and Iran. Not that he’s wrong! It’s just not often acknowledged by others who aren’t familiar with him.

PERSONALITY

[steals bits of this from my RP blog because I got tired from linking wikis in an upcoming section oops]

MBTI: ESFP

• hospitable • sociable • stubborn • prideful • short-tempered • charismatic • confident • passionate • brave • spontaneous • lazy • sincere • boisterous •

Ok, listen. He is a bit of an asshole I’m not going to lie LMAO.

He is the type of guy that argues a point even when he knows jack shit about it (he knows more than a professional!!).

He has an opinion on everything.

He is super prideful to the point where he genuinely believes his culture is superior and his language/food/people/etc. are the best.

He has a bit of a temper (the kind that just jumps out with some build up) and he is sensitive to feeling slighted.

He is a flirt but it is not cool at all. He is an attractive guy (I have a reason lol) but he uses the worst pick up lines.

At the same time:

He is very devoted and loves genuine relationships. If you gain his favour he will do almost anything for you (there is also the reverse of this though).

He is so hospitable he is famous for it.

He treats his guests with the utmost respect.

He can be very chivalrous towards women (but it can come from a sexist place oops).

He is very friendly once you break through his initial serious shell.

He loves jokes and anecdotal humour.

Miscellaneous:

He loves rugby, wrestling, football, singing, dancing, wine, this movie, and eating absurd amounts of (hopefully Pasanauri) khinkali.

He hates rules, not having enough money for cigarettes, if you put on a seat belt when he’s driving, criticism, refusal, and being called “Gruzia.”

He also plays the panduri.

TIMELINE

Before I start, I have to say Giorgi is not a collective personification of Georgia. Giorgi is actually the personification of the Kartlians! He just has the title of Georgia and so represents the nation on the international level (and also the domestic level depending on the situation).

Start (~5th century BC)

I pinpoint his “birth” to be around when several Anatolian tribes settled in Eastern Georgia and merged with the local tribes. He had a couple caretakers who were like siblings or sibling-parents.

Kingdom of Iberia (Kingdom of Kartli) (302 BC–580 AD)

In this period he gets baptized, starts loving God and Jesus (becoming the second nation in the world to adopt Christianity) and says no to paganism (but lowkey-highkey pagan practices were kept up for a long time).

Also, Iberia is the Greco-Roman name that is used for the area. When you see Iberia, know that it’s Kartli.

Principality of Iberia (588–888)

He is just trying to live his life but the Byzantine Empire and Sassanid Iran are ruining everything by fighting over the area. He also continues to love God and Jesus.

Kingdom of the Iberians (888–1008)

Lots of politics. Honestly, I hate it here.

Kingdom of Georgia (1008–1490)

The Battle of Didgori happens during this period and it was the best moment of his life. He has several amazing rulers including King Tamar. Lots of wars against the Byzantine Empire, various Turkic states and more. Eventually, the kingdom breaks up.

Kingdom of Kartli (1478–1762)

Here he gets fucked over by Safavid Iran multiple times and also works as a weird slave soldier too so life is great.

Kingdom of Kartli-Kakheti (1762–1801)

He has a short marriage to Kakheti that ends after he gets completely fucked over by Russia and then forcibly annexed into the Russian Empire.

Georgia Governorate (apart of the Russian Empire) (1801–1917)

There were actually several governorates in this period but for the sake of simplicity I’m going to list it as that one.

I have a small write up about the time here.

Transcaucasian Democratic Federative Republic (1918)

The Caucasus splits off from Russia. Giorgi represents Georgia and the TDFR (Armenia and Azerbaijan are also there as co-representatives of the TDFR). The Entente will later say they need to stick together but they forget one crucial detail:

Democratic Republic of Georgia (1918–1921)

Georgia splits off from the TDFR. Time to create a republic with a socialist government! Amazing! Too bad he’s the wrong kind of socialist according to the Bolsheviks and gets brutally stomped by the Red Army in 1921! 

All his neighbours want to fight in this period as well. The Entente also won’t commit to helping Georgia until it’s too late because they were suspicious of him after he had been forced to ask the German Empire for protection in 1918.

Georgian Soviet Socialist Republic (1921–1991)

Listen, the USSR was terrible, but at least Georgia was actually one of the nicer Soviet republics because he won the geographic lottery. He even got stereotyped as being the rich republic.

We just aren’t allowed to talk about Russification or the purges or the discrimination or the fact they would only print Georgia’s most iconic piece of literature in Russian.

(Oh, it’s also my headcanon that until 1936 he shared the title of USSR with the other republics.)

Georgia (1991–present)

1990s sucked. 2000s sucked. 2010s sucked. 2020 sucks.

Summary:

NOTABLE RELATIONS

Ukraine

Best friend. Best girl. His Suliko. He loves her.

(I also have way too many dumb AUs for them 😭)

Lithuania

Other best friend. They call each other by their proper names because fuck Russian names. Also, this video is them (Giorgi is the wrestler).

Kakheti

They were married at one point in time. He is closest to her out of all the other Kartvelian regions (it’s the Eastern Georgian solidarity).

Armenia

He is like a brother but they only really acknowledge that when they’re in a good mood or when one wants something from the other. It’s a love-hate relationship that has gone on for centuries.

Russia

Azerbaijan

They are... okay. They go from tolerating to disliking each other pretty quickly. He hates when he hangs out with her and Turkey and they only speak Turkish to each other so he ends up being a third wheel that didn’t want to be here in the first place but his economic situation means he has to show up.

Iran

They had major issues but things are fine now, I guess.

Okay, Giorgi actually still has some issues, but Iran just wants to come over for a vacation sometimes.

EU and NATO

BUT YEAH UM... that’s Giorgi. This is all mostly surface level stuff so again, if you want me to expand on anything just ask. Thank you for the ask and ily. ❤️