#i have legit been saying ''everything happens so much'' since this all kicked off lmao

[chikkou]

ok i was waiting until my laptop got here to finally tell all the bullshit thats happened in the last like. 5 months lol. cause its a lot to type

im gonna put it all under the cut so no one has to read if they dont want. its a LONG fucking story.

tl;dr:

ok so for basic background, for the last two years or so, i was living with a roommate in connecticut. the roommate was my (now former) best friend since middle school. in july of this year his behavior totally shifted, and he started picking fights with me out of nowhere, told our high school friends a bunch of straight up lies abt me to make me look like a horrible roommate & person, and just generally became a two-faced dickhead. in the end, it turned out to all be excuses to justify his decision to move out (unofficially, name was still on the lease) so that he could live with his boyfriends and not pay any bills. at the time i was really devastated by this bc i felt totally betrayed by this person i had been close to since i was 12/13, but frankly after everything else that happened i barely fucking think about it now LMAO. this is set dressing more than anything else

so anyway, i had been living alone since about august, that was the last time i saw him in person. i wasnt handling the situation well because i had spoken to my high school friend and found out the extent to which hed tried to paint me as a slovenly, horrible roommate, to the point of telling actual lies about really dumb stuff (which didnt work btw - my friends, god bless them, were more concerned about my mental health than anything and thought i was going down a depression spiral, which my former friend told them he was helping me through. they believed me right away once we finally did talk). all that is to say, i was going kind of crazy lol, and i decided to go back home in october just for a short while, to recharge my batteries and all.

i was gone for a couple of weeks, not very long. i felt MUCH better after being with my family & friends in person, as i felt pretty isolated from everyone (my hometown is in new york, i was only 2 hours away by train but scheduling times to visit was sort of a hassle, so i only did it once every couple months). my grandfather and mom dropped me off at my apartment in early november, we were very lighthearted and discussing my next steps, since my shithead friend had been behind on rent more than 5 times (i always paid my half on time) and i was facing eviction because of it. we get to my apartment, i go to open the door, and it wont open. not that its locked, it just straight up WONT open. my grandpa tried to ram the door with his shoulder, and nothing. hes a strong ass dude, and this door wouldnt budge for anything.

my mom managed to get the kitchen window open and climb in that way, and it took both her and my grandpa pulling/pushing at the same time to force the door open. i wont even dress this up: there was mold. fucking. everywhere. on the floor, on the walls, all over everything i owned. i have pictures (had to take them for insurance) and im not even going to show them because they are beyond fucking disgusting. everything i owned was soaked in water and mold, and i do literally mean EVERYTHING. it was very warm in there too, like the temperature of a swamp. i was in a haze after that. i just remember sobbing, like genuinely heartbroken sobbing, as i wandered around looking at everything that was ruined. my mom & grandpa had to go and get maintenance because i was just utterly useless, and they were equally horrified & said they'd never seen anything like it.

i managed to save some items that were irreplaceable (journals, notebooks, etc) and whatever clothes werent utterly soaked in mold. all of my cookware, my books, my laptop & desktop (i cried the hardest when i saw the desktop) - it was all ruined. we found out later that the water boiler in my apartment had a catastrophic failure while i was gone, which caused it to constantly send water back through the pipes, empty, and refill itself. my bedroom was directly above the boiler downstairs, so it got the most significant amount of damage. all told, i lost like 95% of the things i owned. it is possible that i could have saved more, but the amount of mold in that apartment made it a genuine safety hazard for me to even be in there, so i had very limited time to grab what i could. the cruelest irony of all that? my shithead ex-friend's room, which was on the other side of the hallway, was pretty much untouched. he lost absolutely nothing lol.

so immediately, i had to leave the state. i moved back to ny with my family. my mother - who had a stroke last year following a diagnosis of an exceedingly rare neurological disorder, AND had two separate brain surgeries to improve her quality of life - was in the process of getting evicted. the landlord didnt give a fuck about any of my moms situation, not her being disabled, not her being widowed, not her having 3 kids under the age of 18 to care for - he just wanted her out so he could increase the cost of rent on our house. at the same time as all this was going on, i got saddled with a $600 electric bill (likely caused by the water heater's malfunction), which neither insurance nor the apartment would pay, so it came out of my pocket. in addition, i found out in december that i was also getting laid off.

we had nowhere to go and couldnt afford to live anywhere in the tri-state area. we had no choice but to move somewhere much cheaper, and since my mom already had a friend living in a mid-atlantic state, we chose to move there. the eviction went through in january and we had less than 2 weeks to pack all our shit, find a place to live, and get the fuck out. needless to say, we were not successful lol.

we stayed in my grandparents 1 bedroom apartment for about a week, then all of us drove down together to stay with my moms friend in her 3 bedroom apartment (she has 5 kids, 3 of whom live in the apartment). my moms apartment, which was supposed to have been ready by january 31st, still had people actively living there. the property manager kept promising us it would be next week for the entire month of february, to the point that my mom got fed up and chose to rent a small house instead. the reality of being essentially homeless for that time was beyond horrifying, and having anywhere between 8-10 people in that house (my cousin also moved with us, but he stayed in a hotel for the first week) was more taxing than i can express.

but things have gotten a lot better since then. i also found a cute little house to rent just up the road from my moms, and its very cheap for its size. i still havent found a job yet, but thanks to what was essentially the liquidation of everything i owned, ill be ok for a couple months more. im slowly but surely repurchasing all the things i lost and trying to acclimate to the new environment. things are still not totally stable right now, but they are slowing down, and at this point thats all i can really ask for lol.

so yeah. if u were wondering why i suddenly stopped posting after literal years of posting every day, thats why LMAO

[backtothedawings-blog]

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

hi who is this?

Evan says:

hiii im peteeeeeeeer

peteeeer griffiiiin

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

lol haha your funny

im kas's cousin

Evan says:

oh fuck i thought kassi legit didnt know it was me ...

fail lmao

uhm im evan

whos this ?

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

lol her cousin

im trying to figure out who she likes

wanna play a game and help?

Evan says:

uhh sure ?

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

is it you?

or do you know?

who********

Evan says:

idfk

ask zack cronkwright, or bridget, or john or mike maybe ?

they might know

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

so you were a big help

is it you?

and whos john and mike?

fuck i really needa find out she's pissing me off

Evan says:

lmao idfk if she likes me

i dont believe shes told me this lol

john lean looks like a queer

dating a chick named jasmine

and mike dolmage

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

well do you like her

cause theres no john or mike on

well since your not gonna reply, im taking that as a yes? lol

Evan says:

kassi is my friend so obvi i like her

well that sucks

guess your stuck not know lol

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

lol, do u like like more than a friend or what? ]

Evan says:

right now shes just my friend

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

haha, welll im going to have to harrass her bout you now xD.

by the way, dont tell her bout this lil convo. its our secret

Evan says:

mkaay

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

im closiing this, shes comiing

Evan says:

aight

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

haaai

Evan says:

heyya

whats up ???

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

dealing with my fucktard of a cusin and tad hungover

wbuu?

Evan says:

whos your cousin ?

and im spacey ...

i smoked so much weed last night

im still feeling it lol

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

brittney

lol omg jelous

i was just smashed last night

well the bitch wants the computer back

Evan says:

dont give it to her

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

lol why not?

Evan says:

cuz too many things are happening and i havent finished my convo with you

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

lol okaaay

Evan says:

so you got smashed ?

funny stories ;P ?

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

but if i kill her your resonseable

and uhmm

let me think

i woke up 3 hours from home

Evan says:

kill who ?

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

my cousin

Evan says:

REALLY !?

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

yuss

Evan says:

you walk that far or what ?

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

no and idk what happend

i ended up in like orangeville?

Evan says:

wtf !?

you at a party with people ?

i cant even do thjat

how the fuck did you end up 3 hours from home !?

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

uhmm 3 towns or something?

and yeahuh

uhmm an after party for a sweet 16

Evan says:

really ? well sound slike you had a good night then

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

yeahuh lol

what i rember

i was at wallmart and almost got my ass kicked by thesr two chicks

Evan says:

really

whathappened ?!

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

some guy came over and saved my ass which i would been fine but apprently drunk fighting wasnt a good idea

Evan says:

prolly nat

it doesnt usually go over too well

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

well in my experinces it dose

kinda lol

Evan says:

exactly

kinda

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

lol so how was you night?

your*

Evan says:

it was fuuucked

ill tell you in a min

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

lol okie

Evan says:

kay so i went to a bush party and died

i walked thru water, mud, swamps, jumped fences, climbed down cliffs and everything to get to this party ...

i got there

got super fuckin high

and then attempted to walk back for 9

so i walked thru all that again dark and high

it was fuckeed

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

lol thats pree great

so how cut up are you

Evan says:

actaully im good ..... but you should see my white sweater and my jeans

and my shoes

and socks

and i think even my boxers were wet by the time i was done

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

rofly

that sucks

way to be a dirty boy

Evan says:

sorry

completely not my fault ....

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

lol understadable

at least you knew where you were and how you got there

Evan says:

actually i dont remeber the way back

but i know how i got there

i went back to find my phone today

and i couldnt figure out where or what the fuck i di dlast ngiht

if you seen this youd be like daaaayyyum your a trooper

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

lol well by the sounds im pree sure you are a tropper

Evan says:

well thanks

but you still need to see this

its crazeh

whats up with kottonkandypikachu ?

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

lol oyay youll have to show me

and i really dont know

but its funny so i think ill leave it for a while

Evan says:

lmao aight

sounds good lol

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

your just jelous you dont have a bamf name

Evan says:

riiight

i coul dmake one

but im a simple person

i dont need a great name

people say my name and they already knwo im awesome

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

uhmm i think i should make you a name

cause im awesome

Evan says:

lmfao

ok then

no promises its goin on fb tho

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

lol dont deny my amazingness

and candyapplecharmander?

LOL

Evan says:

uhm sketchy but alright

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

sketchy

how so?

Evan says:

for a guy its like a pedo name

can you pictue me with that name offerin candy to small children ?

if so

then your just lkike me

and i find that sketchy

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

LOL

are you saying i have a pedo name then?

Evan says:

your a chick it dont count

its like 99.99999 % guys

that are pedos

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

well i thought your name was cute

Evan says:

it is but ..... im a dude.....

so im just gonna stick to ev or evy

ether one works

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

LOL

okay

but just know im hurt you didnt like my name

Evan says:

i do

i just cant let the world know it .. or i wont be able to go into a chuck E cheese ... or go to an elementary school;

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

lol i wanna go to chuck e chesse

Evan says:

i know !

theyre so much fuin lol

i could play games there all day if i had enough money

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

ive only been once

and lol win your such a kid

oh well i am too (:

so its all good

Evan says:

word

i like my games aight ?

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

lol me too

im getting an old school sega!!

Evan says:

PRIME

im likin this

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

i had one when i was younger but idk what happened i think im getting mine this week though

and next month im getting a ps3 cause there sticking a tv in my room

Evan says:

YEH

i gota ps3

that'll be great

when i hook it back up to the internet imma kill you in gaming

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

lol it will be great but i will NEVER sleep

and thats what you think

Evan says:

for real

ill own you

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

uh huh

sure you will

Evan says:

i will

ill rip you a new gaming asshole

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

ooh how thoughfull of you

but

but ill pwn you

im just kidding you will probs win but i needa sleep cause im dead

nighty night

Evan says:

aight night

and meh we'll see

depends on what game

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

lol sonic

i will domanate for sure

Evan says:

prolly

ive never been good at those games

׺°”˜`”°º×к α s׺°”˜`”°º× says:

im pro at them

but sweet dreams

[crabbyvenusian]

Hey y’all!

I have to rant about my biggest fear because I feel like it’s a huge hurdle in my practice. I try to be kick ass and brave and all that strong shit but this will make me fold every. single. time. I can face any other fear with ease but this will just always make my blood run cold and my hairs stand up. Arachn*phobia.

I have arachn*phobia. Not much of a shocker, tons of people have it. I first thought I was only scared of sp*ders because they were my main trigger but I’ve learned that crabs, scorpions, etc. give me the heebie jeebies too. Usually people think it’s a joke until they realize I’m paralyzed or can’t stop screaming just by the sight of it. So please, no pictures or videos bc I will legit have a panic attack lmao.

Since trying to learn how to astral project and all that, I’ve noticed that a big thing that’s not helping me is this huge fear. I can’t always get my body to relax enough for it because the sensations feel like I have them crawling all over on me. Or once I start visualizing something, one is popping out at me and startles me awake. I don’t know if a leech has gotten sucked to me because of this, I have spiritual psychosis, or there’s just a lot of sp*ders in my area. Maybe all 3.

When I start feeling I can get over this fear and can confront it, something happens that just makes me scream “NOPE! Nope, nope, nope!�� I’ve been feeling like this the past few days. Especially because I want to get further in my astral journey and the one thing stopping me is a sp*der or crab. The first time, I got a weird nudge telling me to cut my hair just in case. A week after I cut it, a huge sp*der with eggs landed inside my hair. I fucking freaked and couldn’t relax for the life of me after. I didn’t leave my house for two weeks (legit). I eventually started to get over it and thought it was a freaky one time incident until the same thing happened to me again TODAY. I went onto my balcony to be outside with my cat and smoke a bowl, as I normally do. My cat came behind me on my seat and jumped on my back which I thought was weird but tried to shake it off. I have a bad habit when I’m high to overthink everything as a spider and I was just trying to relax and not have a bad high. I go inside and I’m trying to relax until I feel something crawling around on my back. I asked my boyfriend if he could check my body (something he is VERY used to haha) and lo behold. A fucking gigantic sp*der is on my back. Ok it wasn’t gigantic but it was big enough for my boyfriend to say “holy shit” under his breath and hesitate on if he should take it off or not lol.

Even though this freaks me out and everything, I can’t help but wonder if something is sending these little creatures my way. I have been learning la santa muerte and her history, which is the only other deity I feel a small connection with besides the biblical god. Could she be sending me them as her saying she sees me? Is it my guides or ancestors that are sending them as a sign? To help me get over my fear? Am I just overthinking all of this and getting into psychosis? I have too many w questions and don’t know where to start. If anyone can help me with this, thank you!!!

So basically tldr: I have extreme arachn*phobia and every time I feel like I can get over it, a sp*der comes and touches me lol what does this mean. Am I just scared and facing my fear? Is a deity or spirit reaching out to me? Is it a warning or sign at all? Is this a leech feeding off my fear and not letting me live in peace?!! i need answers. Thanks in advance yall.

[rayofsunas]

haikyuu!! as dads (pt.2)

A/n: hello! this is the part two to the haikyuu!! as dads “series”. if I combined them they’d be very long.

Summary: haikyuu characters as dads/domestic living.

Pairings: Yuji Terushima, Akaashi Keiji, Yu Nishinoya, Tsutomu Goshiki

Warnings: some timeskip spoilers, fluff, parenting, angst (kinda, not really), swearing (maybe), crack, all characters are aged up

Word count: 2.2k

Part One!

Yuji Terushima

- childish man sigh

- he has a daughter and son, who he’s just as childish as, and it really shows

- boy has so much energy

- he’s ALWAYS chasing his son and daughter around

- he offers to take his kids to the playground, he says he’s doing it to give you a break, but really he has just as much fun playing on the playground as his son

- when he picks his sons up after daycare expect them to race to where you’re waiting by the sidewalk

- he will not let them beat him, he doesn’t realize it, but he gets caught up in having fun and will legit run off sprinting to you, leaving his kids in the dust

- has to repeatedly apologize and promise he won’t do it again, but it still happens everyday

- he’s an apprentice hair stylist so boy knows how to do hair

- you can find him playing with both of his kids hair if they let him

- it definitely puts them to sleep at night, so he does it often

- watches cartoons/movies with them because he also enjoys it

- his sons tries to say doing hair is for girls, and teases terushima about it

- BUT on the low everyone in the family knows he’s just joking and he secretly loves it

- would rather do something involving movement, boy can’t sit still for shit, so often he’s out and about with his kids

-adores his children so much

- he thinks they're so fun

- would rather hang out with them over adults

- “adults are boring” “I agree daddy”

- his children cling to him, and because he’s so close to them, they come to him to talk about anything

- wherever terushima is, his children were sure to follow when they were little

- despite being childish, after taking his now teen daughter to a soccer game, he managed to become famous amongst the mothers who called him “a hot dad with a tongue piercing”

- “I’m telling mom” his teen son said one day while his daughter was on the field still

- “what?” terushima lowkey was confused, doesn’t see the harm in the comments, as long as they don’t over step right?

- “why do you entertain them?”

- “it’s funny” he shrugged.

- “still telling mom.”

- because he’s childish, and his children come to him for everything, he has dirt on his kids that you don't know

- “if that's the case. i’m telling her what you did.” he smirks

- “what did I do?”

- "your boyfriend, last week, behind the bleachers...”

- “oh...”

- “yeah, oh.”

- “you know she supports your relationship, but she’s also protective, and she’ll wanna give you guys the talk.”

- “i’ll still tell her... she’ll beat your ass, childish old man.”

- his daughter still tells him things, but after her brother told her what happened during her game, she will keep certain things from him

- although terushima joked about telling you what went on between your son and his boyfriend, it accidentally slipped out at dinner

- “dad you promised!” “SORRY!”

- he was just having a nice convo with his family and then it slipped out, he doesn’t regret it lol, he thinks it's not a big deal, but when you began having the talk OVER dinner he regretted it oop

- your son claimed it wasn't an accident and therefore tells that he’s been allowing the mothers to flirt with him, but you're more focused on giving your son the talk

- “you know you always have to use protection. I know it may seem different, cause he’s a boy, but if you're doing an-”

- “BABE, SHHHH, I’M TRYING TO EAT!”

- “YOU SHOUDL’VE KEPT QUIET.”

- your daughter is so traumatized...

Akaashi Keiji

- when his daughter was born, he was lowkey stressed

- he wants everything to go smoothly and perfect, and it did, but he was stressed

- akaashi still to this day cannot say no to her

- he gives her that smile, and it just lowkey melts his heart, he doesn't show it though

- you would often come home to see them laying on the couch together, him reading a children's book to her, her pointing at the little pictures

- she’s wrapped around his finger and vice versa

- is in her life a lot more than other dads maybe but he also knows space is important

- he overthinks a lot, so he’s always worrying when his daughter comes home late

- he trusts her, but he knows how influenced teens can get when around with friends

- he’s the type of dad that seems scary cause his blank and serious looks, but he’s actually soft af

- he kinda strict though ngl

- he wants his daughter to do good in all aspects of life, school, careers, everything

- so he’s kinda the strict parent

- when his daughter was little, and even now, he makes sure she always eats good

- she can’t leave the table unless she’s cleaned her whole plate up, he’s very humble sooo

- he’s the one who helps his daughter through tough days or if she has mood swings lol

- he had to deal with bokuto and his ups and downs, so you best believe he’s skilled in that department

- he makes sure his daughter is always neat looking

- he’s not a clean freak by any means, but he always wants her looking presentable/neat

- when he learned his daughter had a boyfriend, lets just say he didn’t talk for hours after the first initial “oh...”

- “dad I want you to meet him” “who?” “my boyfriend- I just said that!” “oh...”

- “mom said you’d react like this, but he’s a good guy promise. “i’d only bring home the best for you to meet”

- doesn’t wanna accept she’s growing up and is sad about it

- isn’t gonna say he cried about it, but he probably cries in your shoulder when his daughter is out of the house

- it’s always been his daughter and him against the world, and it feels as if he’s letting her go, when in reality, he’s not

- she’ll still come home at the end of the day

- misses when she was a baby, because he could read books and tell her stories all day :(

-nonetheless he’s happy for her, just SHOOK

Yu Nishinoya 

- omg he loves his kids so much, he always does the most extra stuff for them

- throws over the top crackhead birthday parties

- has a football team of kids ngl

- 4 kids-

- and he wants more, but you said no :(

- it took him years to get over the initial shock that they also need your attention too- BUTTTTTT he got over it

- he has 3 sons and a daughter and keeps them so active lol

- he’s always going on adventures with them

- he’s the dad that would take his kids camping, in their backyard though (his youngest child is too young to go camping)

- but he sets up a cute little tent and bonfire and its so cute

- sooooo, nishinoya has grown since high school, and although he’s not the tallest or biggest man, he’s taller

- in old photos, his sons (if taller) make fun of his heigh, poor nishi

- will slap them silly

- if his sons are popular in school and get a lot of attention, they are the only boys he will accept who get attention

- he’d be like yes bitch, get them girls/guys

- anyone who looks at his daughter is going to face a rabid chiuaha

- he may not seem so strictly protective, but he doesn’t like when anyone flirts with his daughter

- it is his only daughter, and the youngest child at that

- he embarrasses his kids, A LOT. especially when they're older

- they didn’t realize as young children why the people would stare when they went to amusement parks or to get ice cream

- BUT NOW

- they see it :(

- when you decided it would be great for the whole family to go out for dinner, it resulted in your husband getting into an argument with a waiter for apparently “flirting with my daughter and my wife”

- simply put, the waiter was not flirting, he was just doing his job, taking your order-

- nishinoya is a rabid Chihuahua all the time, and results in his family getting kicked out of a lot of restaurants/places because he’s TOO LOUD

- if one of his kids got suspended from school, he legit can’t find it in him to punish them, he’s not strict at all and is a major goofball

- instead much to your dismay, he REWARDS them....

- two of your sons got into a fight with another boy, resulting in suspension? nishinoya takes them both out for dinner

- when he came home from said dinner, he had the largest grin on his face claiming to you, “they were standing their ground!”

- your son starts rumors about another boy? all nishinoya can say was that it was deserved

- your daughter bad mouths a fellow student and gets suspended for vulgar language? rabid chihuahua dad to the rescue!

- defends his daughter in front of you, the principle, and other child's parents while in the principles office

- the whole house is chaotic and a zoo, and you’re the only sane one tbh

- if not for you, they wouldn't be disciplined at all

- truthful, nishinoya means well and did mature (?) but overall he’s very crackhead chaotic embarrassing dad

Tsutomu Goshiki

- okay so goshiki as a dad is so cute uwu

- we all know he loves to show off, soooo

- he shows his son of every chance he gets

- when you three go to the grocery store, he’s always proudly holding his son on his shoulders, making sure people see him lol

- and when they do see him and comment how cute he is, goshiki just be like “i know” with the FATTEST smirk

- when he’s teaching his son how to walk, he’ll intentional take his son outside and walk him around on the strip of sidewalk in front of your house and a few of the neighbors houses

- he knows that your neighbor, a grandma who’s grandkids are all older and don’t visit much, will see it through her window and come out to gush at how cute your son is and how he’s a better walker than her grandkids when they were his age  

- goshiki couldn’t be prouder lmao

- brags about his kids to the Green Rockets ALL THE TIME

- will confidently and proudly say he has the cutest and smartest kid on the planet and will argue about it for hours to anyone

- “shiki, it’s not a debate, why’re you so defensive?” you asked one afternoon after picking Goshiki up from practice with the Green Rockets, one of his teammates sat in the back with your son beside him in his car seat

- you offered to take his teammate home seeing as though his ride wouldn’t be here for a while, plus he lived a street over so it was easiest and made more sense

- the whole way, Goshiki’s teammate was happily playing peek-a-boo with the three year old, your son was having a blast, and all you could hear were his loud giggles, it was adorable

- “i think he likes me” his teammate mentioned after fifteen minutes. your husband scoffed beside you in the passenger seat

- “i think so too. he’s shy because goshiki is always showing him off, but he really likes you!” you explained, eyes focused on the road

- the whole time gohsiki was glaring back at his teammate

- “look goshiki, he’s reaching for me! he wants a hug”

- “It’s just because you’re holding his favorite binky.”

- eye-

- “....whatever. I still think he like’s me.”

- your husband just coldly laughs and turns around to face the front, “no”

- goshiki spends a lot of time with his son in his early years, so they're very close and always do stuff together

- but on his sons first day of preschool he’s more nervous than his son is tbh

- he prideful, so he knows his son is going to make tons of friends and do alright, but he can’t help but feel bored and alone the rest of the day, since he’s so used to doing everything with him

- on his days off, he always woke up early with his son and spent the day together

- now he has to send him off to preschool for the WHOLE day...

- not gonna lie, the first week wasn’t as bad as he imagined it, but once the second week started, it kicked in for the first time that this would be an everyday occurrence until summer and it wasn’t something temporary

- on the second monday of preschool, after dropping his son off, he comes home sad and legit goes to find you to complain and whine

- “does he really need preschool?” goshiki whined.

- “yes, shiki, it’s important.”

- “homeschool is an option.”

-  you laughed. “who will teach him?”

- “me of course.”

- “what? NO!”

- an hour later...

- “i miss him.”

- “he’ll be back in two hours.”

- “two hours is too long.”

- probably cried in your neck a few minutes later because he was sad about it :(

- don’t tell his teammate though-

- he gets happy again though when you reassure him how much he misses goshiki too

- his response.... “well duh, I am his favorite.” prideful bastard...

- IS SO SO SO HAPPY WHEN HE GOES TO PICK HIS SON UP HUSH

- HIS SMILE IS SO HUGE UWUWUWU

10.21.20, rayofsunas

[shimmershae]

My thoughts on Episode 6--On the Inside

Very appropriate title by the way.  Works in a multitude of ways.  

As always, my randomness is going beneath a cut again to spare the eyeballs of those of you that don’t want to see it at all and also?  Help those of you that have somehow stayed spoiler-free in this brand-new age of early release episodes.  It is still so wild to me that I’m a full episode ahead of half the fandom.  I don’t know what I’m going to do when we get to the final episode and they decide to make us all suffer together--because somehow I do feel they will do exactly that after spoiling us for the first 23 episodes.  It is going to be agonizing.  

Anyway.  Without further ado, Shae’s stream of consciousness review (of sorts).  

Not fair, Angela.  Opening the episode with that shot of that big ass spider.  I hate those suckers.  So naturally, they’re an easy sell for setting the horror scene to me, lol.  

Okay.  Who the hell’s chasing Virgil and Connie?  Walker No-See-Ums?

Barely a minute in and the atmosphere for this episode is moody AF.  

What is this?  Tara Jr. The Walking Dead?  LOL.  Where’s the Scarlett for this mini plantation house?  Anyway.  First three minutes of this episode?  Just as attention grabbing as the first five episode openings this season.  I don’t think people out there are giving our writers enough love for that.  Every episode so far has opened like a mini movie.  

With the way the Walking Dead logo keeps crumbling away with each successive episode, somehow it wouldn’t surprise me at all if the Carol and Daryl spinoff was eventually titled The Living and had flowers growing out of each letter, lol.  I mean, there would be a certain sort of life-affirming symmetry in a show that’s been promised to be much lighter in tone doing just that.  

More Carol and Aaron?  Yes, please.  I don’t necessarily like Carol staying at home and sitting the sidelines like a figurative happy little homemaker in the B story while the rest of the mains are trying like hell to sell the A story, but if she’s going to be totally prohibited from the main storyline until it’s time to blow shit up?  I’m going to continue enjoy getting to see her do what she should have been doing for seasons--interacting with others in the community, especially Aaron and the ladies.  

Truly.  I really am loving my girl getting some quality Aaron and Rosita time.  It’s so long overdue.  

Bless sweet Kelly.  Riding off to her sister’s rescue.  

Why isn’t Lydia shown as part of these plans?  For someone that could barely read last season, I doubt that big ass map was a piece of cake for her and it’s all just guesswork anyway without her guidance.  I mean, why does it feel like they are cutting some of this stuff that might not seem like much plot-wise but would go a long way toward establishing different character beats?  Personally, I would have loved to see her involved in the search and sharing scenes again with Carol and bonding with Kelly. 

Virgil be having that “I always feel like somebody’s watching me” feeling.  Don’t you hate that, lol?  

“You haven’t slept in days.”  But how many days, Virgil?  I’m going to need a number because I’m confused AF about this timeline at this point.  What we’re seeing and what different pieces of dialogue is telling us is not exactly lining up.  I’m going to find it awful hilarious if it hasn’t even been two weeks since the cave in.  For reasons.  

Connie’s spidey senses are clearly tingling.  

Alrighty, then.  She’s clearly got PTSD.  Understandable.  They’ve all had it.  Some have been treated more sympathetically than others, though.  

I mean, it never seems to cross anybody’s mind how Carol probably sees Henry’s head on that pike, Mika’s pale and bloody body, Lizzie crumpled face down in a bed of yellow flowers, Sophia with a smoking bullet hole through her undead head whenever she closes her eyes but whatever.  

Okay though.  But what if Connie had really shitty, impossible to read handwriting?  AKA doctor’s  handwriting.  What then?  

Leah’s face honestly twists my insides whenever I see it, lol.  It’s quiet a visceral thing.  No, that does not make me a horrible person.  Not everybody wants or has to drink the awesome, great, redeemable villainess Kool-Aid.  IMHO, she’s got a face meant for a Walker.  Perfect makeover idea.  Eh.  Mostly it’s her expression and the deadness of her eyes.  

Anyway.  Why is it always the fingers?  Eff that.  

Listen.  If ya’ll can’t tell Daryl’s conflicted AF with the situation he’s landed in, you don’t know how to read NR’s face and eyes.  He’s not a masterclass like MMB but he’s pretty darn good when he wants to be.  

I honestly feel sorry for Redshirt Frost.  

“You do what you gotta do.”  Frost knows what’s what and he’s willing to walk the walk for Maggie.  Impressive loyalty.  I’m left wondering how the current, colder incarnation of Maggie inspired it because I’m still struggling to see it.  Anywho.  My point is the dude knows the score and just gave Daryl the okay.  

Daryl taking off his angel vest before stepping into the role of torturer/interrogator=him shedding the persona/the man Judith and RJ and Lydia and Carol know him to be.  Pushing away his man of honor status so he can just survive somehow.  

Pope never quits chewing whatever the hell he’s got in his mouth.  It’s kind of distracting.  

Ohhh.  We’re back to the Haunted Mansion.  I mean house.  Where are the Hitchhiking Ghosts?  

All the eyes scratched out of those creepy pictures=spooky.  

The good old fogged up bathroom mirror shot.  Somebody’s been watching and studying their horror movies, lol.  Not gonna lie though.  I’m legit bracing myself for the jump scares I know have to be coming.  

I’m loving the music/score in these scenes.  

Truthfully, I could care less about these Reapers.  But they are hella attractive, lol.  Listen.  Angela knows what she’s doing.  

Kelly’s horse is so pretty.  Prayer chain for that baby.  

More dead horses?  Why?  

Connie’s slingshot?  Sorry.  I maintain, no matter how much I like these two, that they have the lamest weapons ever.  Endless supply of Virginia rocks or not.  

So.  Did Virgil and Connie enjoy a little equine for dinner?  Did they kill it before the Walkers fed?  What monsters!  Yeah, no.  Not if they were starving even if I personally could not have.  The more probable story is they fled the camp in a panic and left the horse behind and then it went down.  Sorry.  I didn’t exactly study the wounds on the poor animal because it is so traumatizing to me to continue to see them meet such dastardly ends on this show.  I don’t know who the hell has such a score to settle with horses but stop it.  

Days.  It’s only been days.  Not weeks.  So many times with all that Daryl and Company have had to contend with since the cave in?  Those do not exist, lol.  They’re just a convenient, appeasing piece of dialogue thrown at a fanbase primed and ready to read everything into not much of anything.  There’s just not been enough time for it to happen unless Daryl has literally been up 24/7 for all of them.  You know, strategizing how to attack the remainders of Alpha’s horde, figuring out how to defend Hilltop before it fell, healing from the wound he sustained at Alpha’s hand, sitting on that log all damn night with Negan waiting on Carol to come home, having a lover’s quarrel with his best damn everything, taking care of the Grimes babies and Lydia, being the reluctant leader.  Kang, why you playing them like that?  Daryl’s a super guy but he’s not a superhuman with clones.  So many times my ass.  

Seriously.  Who been watching Connie and Virgil?  The MIA Oceansiders?  Beta’s Fee Fi Fo Fum Ghost?  

Nice.  A Michonne mention.  Maybe the truth will start to trickle out.  

LMAO at Connie’s “I’m not staying here.”  Me neither, girl.  I would be outta that house so fast.  

They really “Quiet Placing” this episode.  Honestly?  I’m kinda loving it.  

WTF was that?  I know she can’t hear but you telling me all the little hairs on her arms, legs, and neck didn’t stand the fuck up and say fuck this shit, I’m gone?  Pardon my language, lovelies, but that moment had my heart kicking up several beats.  

Okay, okay.  To be fair to Connie, every hair on her body been doing that since the front door closed.  Maybe they’re desensitized.  

Gollum’s chasing Connie!!!  He/She wants their Precious!!!

The knee jerk reactions about this episode sight unseen are OTT, honestly.  And I mean no disrespect by saying that.  I can understand completely where they’re coming from because we’ve been burned so long in this fandom.  But it’s obvious the spoiler source has their particular biases and reads into things in such a way that don’t line up with what’s actually being shown onscreen.  Daryl’s loyalty in this episode and all along quite clearly lies with his family and his community.  He’s been playing Leah since the start and is truly just trying to survive somehow.  

Awful thought.  The Reaper that’s so suspish of Daryl--haven’t quite caught his name or really cared to.  I feel like he might try to get to Daryl somehow.  When he realizes that Daryl cares no more for Leah than any human would care for somebody (they thought) they used to know?  He’s going after Dog.  Or Carol should she finally join this story. 

I refuse to believe Carol isn’t going to be a part of this story.  Because they messing with her mans, lol.  

“You’re ever with us or you’re not.”  Now where have I heard those words before?  I wish I could find that Daryl gif because that had to be one of the funniest things ever, lol.  

Unrealistic suggestion to Daryl, Leah?  Breathing oxygen seems to piss off Carver.  Oh look.  He finally has a name for me, lol.  

I love how all three of the ladies--Carol, Magna, and Rosita--look at Kelly with such indulgent, adoring “little sis, you alright?” eyes.  

They are seriously the most beautiful quartet of characters.  I mean all of them are lovely but Carol and Rosita this season?  Ugh.  The unfairness of the pretty.  

Human bones.  Terminus callback, lovelies.  How it all would have eventually gone down if Gareth and Co. hadn’t met the business end of Rick’s red machete.  

So many horror movie homages in this one.  

Virgil’s like “let’s leave this Texas Chainsaw Massacre behind.”  

Connie and Virgil have obviously bonded, ya’ll.  I’m surprised by how much I’m enjoying their scenes together when the character mostly got on my nerves with Michonne.  He’s a good actor and the core of his character is sympathetic, but I’m not going to lie.  I wasn’t super enthused when he was the one that rescued Connie because I didn’t know how their scenes would play out. But there’s a nice synergy there.  

Okay.  Does Carver want Leah for himself?  Because I’m sure Daryl at this point would love to scream “take her, I know where I fucking belong!”  

Daryl’s digging in deep because Carver has shown him Leah’s potential weak spot.  Nuance is truly lost on some people, LMAO.  He cares about Leah as a human being probably.  He’s Daryl, after all.  The sweet one.  But he sees her as his way outta this and he’s going to exploit it.  

It’s nice to have a silent Negan for once, lol.  I can pretend he didn’t take my baby Glenn away from me and enjoy JDM’s pretty.  

So.  These cannibal people were the watchers?  Hmm.  

I’m really digging Virgil 2.0.  Yeah.  Nobody’s surprised more than me.  

Sweet, sweet scene between Virgil and Connie.  His determination to reunite her with her family brings back the sympathy I felt for him when he told Michonne “I promised her flowers.  Every day.”  

Damn.  How many of those creepy crawly cannibals are there?  

How brave of Connie to confront her fears to save someone she’s obviously grown to care about.  

The Kelly/Connie reunion gave me chills and made me cry.  Thank fuck Angela didn’t cheapen that moment by having it focus on literally anybody else.  Kelly is the most important person in the whole world to Connie and vice versa.  Just like Carol is the most important person in the whole world to Daryl and vice versa.  Angela fucking knows.  Everybody does.  Except the people busy building castles out of sand while the waves of Carol’s and Daryl’s converging stories keep crashing closer and closer to shore.  

Such a beautiful moment given to us by Angel Theory and Lauren Ridloff.  So authentic and sweet.  Kelly and Connie are home to each other.  

Poor Frost.  That’s all I gotta say about that.  

WTF, though.  Was Mel just not available or what?  I want to see more of the ASZ characters that I care about, not the Reapers.  Like I’d be fine with the story if all the characters not named Maggie, Negan, or Daryl weren’t surviving on crumbs during it.  Especially the 2nd billed actress on the entire show.  Angela.  Please.  Fix this.  

One last WTF.  Seriously.  WTF has Maggie done to inspire Pope’s obsession?  It better be juicy after all this shit.  

Overall impression of the episode--

One of my favorites of the season so far.  The horror aspects were fantastic, IMHO. I truly didn’t expect to like Connie and Virgil’s scenes as much together so that was a nice surprise.  She got the reunion that felt most true and earned for the character and her story and I thank Angela from the bottom of my heart for that.  

I would have loved more Carol but I always want more Carol.  I’m okay with her taking a backseat because ultimately?  This was Kelly’s moment with her sister.  Carol and Connie will eventually have their time to sit down and talk.  And pick back up their blossoming friendship because I truly do not feel Connie blames Carol at all.  

I do wish Lydia had been included with the girl group.  Last episode felt like it was leading up to that.  

The Reaper storyline continues to be the weakest link because every time we see them the dialogue and interactions feel totally recycled from the time previous.  I feel like it would have totally been helped by a tighter focus and less stretching out because 8 episodes of this is really diluting what I feel like Angela and Co. are going for.  I’m not here for Leah being redeemed or being a bigger focus in any of the episodes because she does nothing of interest for me.  I’m just peeking in on that story for the Daryl of it all.  

Speaking of the Daryl? You lovelies out there gotta stop taking that spoiler source’s recaps at face value because it’s obvious to me at least that there’ some bias at work.  Every action and word coming from Daryl is coming from a place of loyalty to his family and wanting to protect them, no matter how he has to dirty his hands.  Leah is just a means to his ultimate end.  She’s not his future.  She never was.  His future’s already spoken for and 2023 can’t get  here soon enough.  But like Daryl, we have to just survive somehow.  

Oh goodie.  More Maggie and Negan next episode and looks like no real follow up on Connie and the ASZ reunions.  Hopefully, this is yet another instance of the previews being deceiving but I’m not holding my breath.  

Until later, lovelies.  

Hope my word vomit didn’t bore you too much.  

[sneezefiction]

you’re my adventure

Nishinoya x Reader - Scenario

desc: engagements and soft moments

a/n: a request from @curlykoo for some fluffy, sweet Noya! i’m sorry I couldn’t pull off a sequel to the angsty noya fic, but I hope this makes you smile <333 thank you so much for requesting + waiting ! (my titles get cheesier every time i post lmao)

warnings: none! (legit, you’re gonna b smothered in fluff)

wc: 1500

---

“Keep your eyes covered, y/n.” Nishinoya says, leading you gently by your hand to a destination in the open air.

Midsummer nights are never chilly, but you wouldn’t have minded a small jacket or cardigan.

He’d planned for your ultimate comfort and, with your eyes still closed, envelops you in a light, fluffy blanket. He knows you well.

So you trust him and keep walking, one hand in his, the other grasping the blanket on your shoulder.

Your feet finally tap the side of a small curb, and with that he says,

“Now open!” In a nervously, excited whisper.

---

Noya exists for the purpose of adventure. To know and taste every sensation. To feel ridged mountainsides. To hunt for new experiences. Capturing every living, breathing thing in a mental photo. Documenting each distinct memory.

Novelty is forever fleeting, but some are born to find it. Again and again and again.

And that’s Nishinoya for you. Always finding, forever searching.

But for so long, he’s done it alone.

And, he supposes, alone isn’t… bad.

It’s true, there’s freedom in venturing by himself. He’s free to do as he pleases, whenever he pleases.

No one to look out for, nothing to tie him down.

Just endless journeys for him to explore.

But there’s a point when “alone” simply becomes “lonely.”

And that shift was a hard pill to swallow… because to settle down and stifle the “lonely” seemed to mean he had to lose his true love. Adventure.

Little did he know, the true adventure was about to start as you made your entrance into his life.

---

It’s Friday once again.

And Fridays are deemed exploration days by your bubble-machine of a boyfriend, Nishinoya.

Thus it makes sense that the week is incomplete, if not absolutely suffocating to him, if he hasn’t had a chance to leave your snug apartment to feel grass below his feet and the rustle of wind through his hair.

You usually give him space to go off, self-examine, and explore by himself. It’s something he’s always needed to do and it’s never gotten in the way of your relationship.

If anything it made you love him and his unique spirit even more.

However, every once in a while, he’ll want you to join him.

Tonight just happens to be one of those nights. No rhyme or reason to it.

It’s not the most unusual request, but as you asked “where to,” he refused you an answer.

Yet, the sparkle in his eye told you that he was hiding something.

Something significant.

Something special he just had to share with you.

So you let him take you by the hand, pulling you toward this secret destination.

---

“And open!”

It takes you a moment to realize where you are.

It’s exactly where you had your first date with this spiky-haired boy. The roof of the parking garage.

You fondly remember blue tongues and sugary, sweet lips from the slushies Noya had bought you back then. How he chased you after you ruffled-up his hair, letting you think you could get away, but catching up with you in no time. How when he caught you, he cupped your cheeks, staring into your eyes adoringly.

You shared many long, devoted kisses that night. Delicate touches. Conversations about passions and desires.

Since then, you’ve been attached at the hip.

Y’all rarely revisited that exact spot, deeming it a “sacred place” meant only for perfect moments and irreversible discussions and decisions. Your heart is racing.

The lot is comfortably empty, a brilliant full moon above you acting as the primary light source.

Before you are a pile of pillows and blankets, a small cluster of candles, and… of course…

Those truly iconic blue slushies.

You’re at a loss for words.

He leads you to his setup, letting you get comfortable enough to fully take in the scene.

It’s romantic.

Divine.

Unbelievably thoughtful.

For someone so carefree, you forget just how much beauty and ambiance matters to Nishinoya. Every last detail is there, pristine yet cozy. The location and atmosphere, perfect.

You break the silence,

“Noya, this is… stunning.” Your mouth hangs open slightly, in awe of the scene set before you.

That he cared so deeply for this very moment, for you, to do all of this.

“I just- I- Even the slushies!” You’re laughing, words coming out in jumbles.

So you slouch down into the pillow, legs curled into your chest, hands resting on your knees.

The stars overhead are completely outshone by your wide, sparkling eyes.

“So what’s all this for, baby? It’s not our anniversary, y’know?” You smile, genuinely curious and a little nervous.

Your usually chatty, animated boyfriend is completely silent.

He wordlessly gets down on his knees in front of you and sets his hands on top of yours.

Taking both of them into his own, he waits a minute, stroking them with his thumb.

He then takes the deepest breath he can muster,

“Y/n… all my life I’ve wanted to be free.” He starts, voice shaky.

“You know how much I love adventure...” 

You nod slowly, your eyes shining as they meet his, 

“and I’ve had my fair share of them.” He expresses with a smile on his lips, picturing one of those precious moments right now.

And suddenly, his words gain strength and confidence.

“But I never realized that I could feel this free. Especially not with someone else by my side.”

Your heart skips a beat. 

This isn’t any old conversation anymore.

No, this pertains to you. Your relationship. Your Noya.

“Y/n… you should know, my old life pales in comparison to these past two years I’ve spent with you.” He states boldly, no longer wavering.

“Those 22 years don’t match up to the amount of life I get to share with you now.”

He can hear his heart beating out of his chest.

“You’re my adventure, y/n.” He reveals, his face warm, but heart even warmer.

And the happiest of tears are dripping down your chin, onto his hands.

“I want you to know that out of every amazing mountaintop I’ve climbed, you’re better than it’s peak.”

“Not even the bluest, clearest ocean, the steepest waterfall, or the most beautiful flower can compete with all the wonderful things I’ve experienced with you.”

He shifts and shuffles to grab something out of his pocket.

But, of course, he drops it first.

Nishinoya let’s the most comical gasp you’ve ever heard, escape his lips.

You laugh, tears falling faster, but youe smile growing so wide your face begins to hurt.

He recovers the item quickly and mentally kicks himself for ruining the vibe like the complete goof he actually is.

But it’s clear what’s going on.

It’s barely made visible by the moonlight and the subtle glimmer of candles...

but there’s a small, velvet box in the palm of his hand.

Even though you’d already begun to expect it, you can’t help put both of your hands over your mouth in shock.

“Y/n, I’m gonna need your hands back, please.” He laughs, knowing his secret is out now.

“Because, you see… I have this ring…” He pauses,

“...and I kinda want you to wear it for the rest of your life.”

He gazes at you for a moment longer, soaking in your reaction.

“Please marry me, y/n!” The words fall out his mouth in the most Noya way.

It feels just like a movie.

Where the whole world ceases to spin and gravity releases its hold on the both of you for just a moment. 

Because you suddenly no longer feel anything but his touch. His gaze. His nearness.

You remove the shaky hand from your mouth and reach it out to him.

He wraps his fingers around your palm tenderly, carefully placing a simple, but beautiful diamond-studded engagement band on your ring finger.

Of course, you take a second to examine the ring... but your eyes slowly drift back to admire your real treasure.

Your eyes meet his again.

But this time, it’s not just your boyfriend.

This is your future husband.

And the pent-up energy is too much for Noya, so he moves on to what he does best:

He full-on tackles you in the biggest, most life-giving hug you’ve ever received.

You’re thrown back onto more blankets, your head guarded by his hand so it doesn’t touch the ground.

You’re both giggling and gasping for air from, the tears you just spilled leaving you breathless.

And you lay there, chest to chest, his head laying on your shoulder.

It takes a moment, but Nishinoya lets out one last sigh before shifting to lay down next to you.

In your eyes, he sees everything.

He sees endless opportunities. Countless journeys.

And he cannot wait to pursue all of it.

He does his best to express this with simple, but bold words,

“I can’t wait to explore every part of life with you.” His head tilting to face you, your fingers now interlocked with his.

Your heart is bursting, unable to contain the joy you’re experiencing…

Yet all you can say is, 

“Yes… me too, Noya. I love you so much.”

---

tags:  @cherryonigiri

[hiimsociallyawkward]

the wicked day

hey guys. i'm back with my random and annoying merlin thoughts. i should be studying for my bio quiz, but yk- i don't want to :,) love you @lady-ofmagic-andstars✨enjoy✨

literally every time i'm going watching i'm going to comment on john hurt that says young man instead of young boy

it's so subtle but wow. thanks i didn't need to be hurt so early on in the episode

i know i know i'm basically a child but this is so exciting

merlin is so cute

aw no not arthur being pouty abt his big birthday

I LOVE THE 'i heard that' thing so much. i love it i love it

off topic, but i love knife throwing. i've always thought that if i had to choose a weapon that's not a gun, i'd choose knifes. swords? maces? crossbows? sure. but knives?? that's where it's really at

i love arthur not wanting to overburden their citizens

ok uther? i hate him

but here? i love him

he's a good dad here. remembering arthur's birthday? that's so sweet. uther in season 4 is the only time i semi like him

AW ARTHUR AND UTHER AT DINNER

i love them

off topic but i like that arthur is wearing his 'every day' clothes, jacket and a tunic under his cape. that's it. the knights are all wearing his garb but arthur is just wearing his 'regular clothes'

hehe gwen being nervous about arthur being on the wheel is so sweet

idk why but i always get nervous at that last knife.

like of COURSe i know he's not going to get hit but it's scary.

the 'not wearing any trousers' thing omg. bbc really decided to do that

i wish we had more of this parental dynamic of arthur and uther

dam alright arthur. being out of it but still being in it enough to see the guy in the reflection? i stan

SKLFJASLDFJA uther fighting to protect arthur

literally me through his whole scene going 'oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez' on repeat.

so off topic but i kind of like the hairstyle they have for most of the guys in this show?? idk is that weird

oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez uther dying

like, i HATe him. i've been waiting for this since season 1 but this scene makes me sad

ok i don't remember the last episode of merlin so i forget what arthur says when he's dying in merlin's arms??

it's something like 'hold me' right? i feel like that has the same energy as 'stay with me' so while i can't exactly say this is sort of parallel, it's sort of parallel?

i mean, ok 1. dying in someone else's arms. 2. dying in the arms of someone you love? romantically, platonically, familial? doesn't matter. both uther and arthur died in the arms of someone they loved. 3. i'm just gonna say 'hold me' and 'stay with me' have the SAME energy, so if no one has called semi-parallels, i'm calling semi-parallels

bradley's single tear

stfu agarvaine. i'm serious. legit everytime he shows up i wanna pow pow pow him

legit. agaravaine needs to get away from morgana.

DO NOT GRAB HER ARM MISTER. LET GO OF HER

I DON'T CARE THAT YOU'RE SECRETLY IN LOVE WITH HER. LET GO OF HER RN

i've said it once and i'll say it again, i love gwen

not to romanticize death or anything but i like candle light vigils.

ok maybe slightly symbolic but probably not? ok actually i think it is, not to toot my own horn but this is also just really straightforward too.

arthur wearing 'street garb' and his 'knight stuff' sort of differentiates between 'arthur' and 'prince arthur'. the scene where merlin and arthur are looking over the vigil and merlin's talking about how there's nothing that can be done, and arthur mentions using magic, i may be off about this but i feel like he's speaking more from prince arthur rather than arthur, uther is my father.

like of course arthur's hurting, everyone knows he's hurting. but idk. i feel like he feels like he's not ready to be king. he needs more time, and he can't be king yet. so therefore, prince arthur is talking about needing to save their king.

gaius and merlin are both right here. idk what else to say.

wow merlin 'you can't stop me' love that

jeez 'maybe this is my chance to change that' little do you know what's happening soon merlin.

oh shoot.

arthur asking merlin if he would use magic to save his father? i'm just thinking back to merlin crying, but not crying over balinor because he couldn't tell arthur, and merlin having to mourn his father in secret. vs. arthur, asking merlin for advice. sharing all his worries and insecurities with gwen. begging gaius to do something more for his father. this just makes me so sad

arthur TRUSTING merlin. with everything. taking merlin's opinion on things and aw

this is dumb but tbh i really like merlin's outfit. like tbh i think i dress in the same sort of style, just ✨modern✨ sadly, no neckerchief for me but i do have a necklace that says 'heather' despite my name being 'ashley'. ily conan gray

ugh. arthur calling merlin a coward but also calling him brave?? you need to pick a side arthur

LMAO ARTHUR STOP THINKING ABOUT WATCHING MERLIN PEE

bruh arthur breaking the vase. it's so dumb but merlin referring to the vase over and over actually makes me chuckle

ok merlin going 'you have come to kill me?' reminds me of another show but i can't remember but i thought i'd put it out here anyways

oh shoot i just realized/remember that uther got stabbed on arthur's birthday. hell of a gift am i right 😭

hehe arthur 'sweeping' with the broom. silly goose

dragoon sounds so vulnerable asking for the right to use magic freely

i love you arthur. this scene, i'm like YES. arthur i love him

i love the saying 'my word'. like, i don't want people to promise me anything anymore. i want them to give me their word.

HAHA THIS IS SO DUMB. MERLIN SAYING 'QUESTIONS. SO MANY QUESTIONS'. I LITERALLY SAY IT WITH THE SHOW EVERY TIME. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME

aw arthur just sitting there with the cup and trying not to break it HAHA he's so sweet. slightly scared after that vase yk what i mean

ok i don't like morgana and everything but that necklace? that's a stroke of genius. yes girl. make up the plan as you go along

frick you agarvaine. do not scare gwen you PERV

jeez agarvainewas SO rude putting that necklace onto uther. like yes, ik you don't like him but STILL. that's just rude

i'm going to start calling people toads now

hehe arthur closing his door and merlin being right there. it's not necessarily a trope but it totally is and i love it

ah yes. merlin and the tavern. i feel like it's been referred to before but it's still funny.

ok ik arthur carrying merlin is there for kicks for the kids but i laughed anyways

apparently i have the humor of a 10 year old

this is really dumb but the scene with arthur and the two guards. i'm just thinking 'how tall are these guards'. ofc ik that the staging/perception could be doing something that might be making arthur look shorter, but my first reaction was 'bradley is 6' just how tall are these guards??'

merlin's speech about magic makes me sad

aw 'i hope, one day, that you'll see me in a different light'

dragoon has the same effect on arthur as merlin does

uther waking up 😭

AW. UTHER'S LITTLE SIGH AND THEN 'ARTHUR' BREAK MY HEART COVEY. BREAK IT A THOUSAND TIMES.

they're both so happy. this makes me so sad now. oh jeez. oh jeez. oh jeez

oh jeez oh jeez merlin's expression. AW merlin gave arthur his word. oh jeez this is very stressful and i'm only watching this

ok obviously. merlin doesn't want to see arthur in pain. but ALSO this was merlin's chance to change things once and for all. and now uther is dead. #no liam just payne

arthur's face post crying. skf;aldjfa;ldk AW

frick you agarvaine. literally die. i can't wait for merlin to kill you

i think this scene is pretty. the light on the left and the dark on the right? ok actually, i'm going to be making an off base comparison now because that's all i do.

i'm remembering this post i saw on here and it was like, arthur uther and morgana in the throne room. in order of the way they sit in the throne room, first it's arthur, uther, and then morgana

well. the really dumb and off base comparison here is the 'light' goodness of arthur and the 'dark' evil of morgana being mirrored in the picture above.

'light', bravery, doing what's right- being on the left. 'dark', evil, power on the right- and arthur in the middle of it, king

like i said, it's a dumb off base comparison, but at least the picture is pretty

oh jeez this scene

my heart breaks for both of them

merlin not being able to form a sentence at first.

😭😭😭😭 arthur please. you're breaking everyone's heart right now

you already knew i had to include this scene

arthur walking in there all alone

oh jeez he's all alone

dumb parallel number 2. arthur walking into the throne room with uther, father and son. merlin and gaius closing the door for arthur- pseudo father and pseudo son.

'he'll never know who i really am'

i want to do a DEH post soon but jeez. the line that hits hardest for me in DEH is 'i never let them see the worst of me. cause what if everyone saw? what if everyone knew? would they like what they saw? or would they hate it too? and jeez that's all i can think about when i think about merlin and his secrets

again. no liam, just payne

asldkfja;sldkfjas dlf merlin waiting for arthur

i have so many feelings

i love the show of affections for his father. you already know that uther wasn't affectionate when arthur was growing up, but still. forehead kiss? i love it

I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO FEEL THAT YOU WERE ALONE. i hate this and love this so much. i'm not saying merlin is completely selfless, because merlin wants magic to be leagalized and arthur is the way to do that. but omg merlin not wanting for arthur to feel like he's alone breaks me

first, merlin being physically alone while waiting for arthur. arthur was technically alone too, but he was with his father

but also, merlin being alone in the sense of his magic. no one knows except for gaius. lancelot knew and then they killed him. merlin is so alone when it comes to his magic, and morgana's enchantment only pushes merlin into his 'magic shell' more. arthur thinks magic is pure evil, and merlin is made of magic. what does that mean would think of arthur. this hurts me so much i'm so sad

friend 😭

arthur asking if he's hungry and them getting breakfast together

ok this sound track

pendragon red. i actually stan

gwen wearing a purple dress?? color symbolism?? nah i'm over thinking

ASIFA;SDLFJAD HE'S KING OF CAMELOT

IT'S LIKE I WANT TO CRY BECAUSE I'M SO PROUD RIGHT NOW.

oh jeez oh jeez.

and merlin saying 'long live the king' at the end of the episode?

chills

Anyways! I’ll be back next week to rant more about aithusa so I’ll see you then! thanks I love you bye

[katzirra]

Waiting for the place to give me my file list from my hand drive recovery. Made an omelet with asparagus and bacon, and gave the boys a tiny bit for being good this morning and letting me sleep in past 8:06...

Hannibal woke me up with very loudly aggressively loving face rubs which is new, and has been demanding attention all morning by soft paw grabbing and holding my hand while cooking, also new. Usually he's very independent and wants nothing to do with us.

Still concerned with his audible breathing when he's SLIGHTLY distressed, for a cat with obvious anxiety, and when he's picked up or sitting/laying weird. It's very noticeable, and I'm wondering if it has to do with his nasal bridge being a tad flat.

Trying to manifest a good mood. I'm having a big existential crisis about being alive.

Which, I'll just throw that under a cut and pair it with an apology. ����✨

I feel like I have no purpose or meaning. Having a lot of those "why bother/what's the point" moments about a lot of things which...the depth of those feelings isn't just apathetic like most people experience? For me it's very much a red flag, so that's been fun. Usually it's doing something as simple as doing something nice for myself, thinking why bother, and having to ARGUE with myself why it matters. Like...having to validate EVERYTHING I do these days is exhausting. Honestly, it's been a low simmer scary JUST KEEP SWIMMING the last few months. But everything I feel is too much to talk to anyone about, and it doesn't HELP me to. It's me. It's my brain. It's scary and I don't like looking the beast directly in the face when people want me to open up. My demon, my problem, trust me when I say I'm trying and that I'm sincere when I say sorry I'm not all here or present.

I'm, like torn between wanting to message my friend first to talk about shit, but I'm also refusing because I was hurt and the comment about shit being too much to read just resonates in my brain yelling "you're not worth their time and effort, you dumb bitch!" because my brain has a FIELD day with that shit. Its.... Kicking a dead horse, repeating myself anyway probably. It hasn't seemed to stick after the last year of me apologizing monthly because I'm just a shit friend who is too busy working and trying to not kill myself. Suicide ideation is a thing, and it SUCKS when it's as invasive as it is for intruding thoughts. But I'll keep apologizing because I feel guilty for not being good enough. Present enough. Engaging enough. Because maybe that time it'll stick??

They'll probably be better off without me making them feel bad because I don't put in enough effort I guess? Which also just hurts because I know online I'm standoffish these days, so I put the extra effort into being a good host I thought and I hoped that mattered. I just feel like no matter what I'm doomed to disappoint them? So I don't mean they'd be better off in a dismissive way, it's a legit...way I think. Like I'm obviously causing distress, and yelling at me won't fix it because it makes me recoil emotionally. So maybe I'm just a bad friend in reality and it is what it is. I'm sorry so many people have fucked me up about inter personal relationships?? I don't know what to do this time because that stupid fight cut me very deep in core values in myself.

It...Fucked me up. And whether that's important to them or not, or whether it has an repercussive weight, whatever. We've both been hurt by people, and been there as much as we'd let eachother. I've tried to be crazy supportive in the last bout of shit they went through. Because I love a bitch, and they matter immensely to me, and I know I suffered alone through a LOT of things like that and know it sucks. I offered my home, attention and time any time I could give it.. Being told i don't give as much as them set weird on my heart in light of that. It hurt.

Idk...And maybe I'm just some dramatic bitch or whatever I guess. Doesn't matter. I matter, my feelings matter. I'm mentally ill and I fucking bust my ass to deal with it, AND be a loving and supportive fixture in people's lives. I suck, sure. But I'm ALWAYS there for people.

I mention I'm depressed or angry at life, sure, but the layers of distress aren't...on display? It's my shit to deal with, if I bring it up, it's for benefit of people knowing why I'm withdrawn usually. I don't talk about myself much anymore because everything is too much and I just start venting. And people don't care that deeply about how fucked up my head is. Or I over share too much. Or yeah, it's a lot to read and I start babbling because the cork is off and I HURT inside just being alive anymore. I don't feel like I'm living my life for me these days. I don't feel alive. I feel stagnant. I'm biding time for SOMETHING to happen??

Yet I'm constantly apologizing to people for not being able to do basic shit, that I'm upfront about being difficult for some dumb reason. I'm always having to explain myself to people. I am in this bubble so often of feeling like I was made wrong, a mistake, missing something important.

Or that I'm a bad person. I'm too open, too closed, withdrawn, outgoing - I can never seem to get the ratio right. And its the kind of discussion I feel leans into self pity and attention grabbing but it's...something I internally struggle with every week and keep to myself.

Oh Kat, get a psychiatrist - I dont know that it would help, honestly. I know 90% of my thoughts and fears are irrational, and pointless. But I know they have valid backing in trauma that I have mostly dealt with, and am unlearning. But I also know I see through people, can identify those markers, and understand outcomes way too easy and that ALSO makes people mad. So. What the fuck is a shrink gonna do for me? My depression is a background white noise to this stuff, and it's honestly just bullshit I deal with. I'm not keen on medication, I'm sure it would help quiet my brain, but I've been dealing with this shit almost 20 years now, ita just the added drama and bullshit from people that exacerbates the emotional brain rash, for lack of a better phrasing. My issues are all behavioral and some depression and anxiety in the mix that I manage.

For all I'm told people understand ahit wrong with me, it sure is something I repeatedly get bitched at over, honestly. And I partially get it, I also find it frustrating. But I've been battling depression since I was 12/13 and learning to stop thinking certain things only since 21, and that's the harder part. I'm not the person people think I am, I wish I was anymore. That bitch died in 2011/2012. That fissure in my foundation fucked me UP. The shaking I had one or two years ago, didn't help.

To be transparently honest the whole shitstorm two weeks ago really hit some raw nerves I'm trying to deal with, and not doing well. Because the more times that nerve is hit the more I don't feel like a valuable person and that I'm wasting people's time. But the reason I'm yelled at is that I am a valuable person, and they want more of my time in a way?? I don't know what people want from me.

Waves hand dismissively - they're being sweethearts by the back door for now.

I'm in a weird place emotionally and mentally. I don't feel alive. I don't feel real. I don't feel valid or... I don't know. Nothing I say or so actually matters in my own life or experiences. I can be an amazing person with communication and intention but it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't care, it's like arguing online.

You can have a valid discussion and someone can just say "you're a fucking moron, I'm not listening to this" and you can't do anything.

I just wasted two hours organizing my thoughts qnd emotions into a post that I'll delete in a week. What a great use of my time. I'm juat exhausted.

I turn 31 tomorrow and is rather be dead lmao. I'm so tired of the weight of being alive and aware of the world and people around me. About being considerate and kind to everyone and it's never god damn enough. I bleed myself dry emotionally for everyone and run my mental battery into the ground qnd it's never enough. It's never going to BE enough. I don't want mental.break downs and emotional roller-coasters. I want friends that understand I'm scatterbrained and severely damaged and abused and I'm TRYING. I'm sorry it's never good enough.

I'm so fucking tired these days. I just want to disappear. I want to have an actual breakdown and cry

I haven't actually cried in years. I.... Mm. I feel like.im a shell. I'm so tired. I'm trying AO hard to be a good person and functional and I'm just constantly having more dished and I'm just...what is my purpose qnd point these days. I can't even make people happy.

Tomorrow I'll turn 31. It'll be like any other day. 👍✨

[dannydouni]

I got tagged by @faceless-dude for smth. And like. All I want to say is that you so much. Cuz I’ve had this sitting in my drafts for months and I didn’t know when would be a good time to post it. Or like update it or like just when I should do anything with it. So yeah. Thank you so much for helping me get the chance to post this :)))

“I’ve had this in my drafts for some time now probably since the Canadian thanksgiving and like only touched on it a few times, and well I never got to post it cuz I got well uuuhhh... shy I guess and at that time a lot of things were going down and stuff. And because of that I just felt like it had no meaning whatsoever anymore. So I thought I’d edit it a bit so it fits better and so I can finally post it and stuff.... sometimes it’s nice to get something out there after having it written down for so long. And well what better time to post it than now XD on New Years!. Anyways here it goes”

Hey guys, friends especially, ITS A NEW YEAR!!!!!! I just wanted to pop in and say that...well...thank you. And while I don’t really mean this directly to anyone so far (details for ppl that I know on this app will be written later on in this post). I know it’s usually super cheesy and just cringe and stuff but I honestly couldn’t care less about that stuff when it comes to the people close to me and to the people I love and care about. So I would like to take this opportunity to thank y’all. First and foremost. What the actual fuck guys. Why lmao. Out of everyone in this world you bunch picked the weirdest, ugliest and just straight up stupidest dude out there to be friends with XD, y’all do know there was much better than this out there right XD. I legit have no competition since I’m just so bad LOL. But still, for some reason, with all the shit I just listed y’all still decided it was a good idea to be friends with me. Y’all still decided it would be a great idea to stick with me up until now. Y’all still decided that I could belong with other people that I could fit it with you guys. That I could.... have genuine, real and just straight up amazing friends. I have absolutely no fucking clue how this turn of events happened. But I can say this with full certainty. You guys have changed my life. You guys are probably the main reason I’m still kicking around to this day lol. You guys are the reason I keep going and keep living and just keep enjoying the tiny gifts that life has to offer sometimes instead of pain XD. I still don’t and probably will never understand why or how god or life decided to be nice to me the few times I met one of you but I’m honestly so eternally grateful that I just... I have no words almost.... I just don’t know what to say sometimes. It’s honestly so out of this world how amazing and nice some of you are even tho I’m like the complete trash of this world XD. In all honesty.... without you guys I’d probably not even be here lmao... I’d probably would’ve just went on with my life with nothing to wish or hope for other than for the next day to pass even quicker than the last.... or just for days to just over as soon as they start... I won’t say more cuz that’s shit is personal and I’m not about to write that in public 😎. But like I know for sure that without you guys. I would not be here right now. So thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for all the memories you’ve given me, the countless nights you’ve made me die of laughter, The countless times you’ve made me choke and almost die from how funny something would be, the countless times you’ve made me think “damn I don’t ever want to wake up from this dream if this is not real”. Just thank you, for talking to me, for letting me vent, for letting me be there for you when you were there for me, for being my rock to lean on, for helping me go through the toughest of times like if it was a normal day. Thank you guys so much for treating me like an equal, for being friends with me, for playing with me, for inspiring me, for teaching me new things and helping me with anything I could ever ask for. Thank you guys so much, and while words will never be able to fully explain what I fully mean or what I fully feel. But I hope that this at least will give you an idea of how greatfull I am for you guys... i hope this will show you how thankful I am for you guys. I love you guys so much that the word love just can’t even express how much you guys truly mean to me. You guys have changed my life for the better and even tho I will probably never be able to repay that I’m hoping that I can do something to at least return how much y’all have done for me. And even tho a lot of the people I mean by this message are not on Tumblr I have a few that are and it is for that reason that I will thank you and write something for you guys here too. So here is the part for the specific people.

@frogb, Genny :)

Genny :D

GENNYYYYY >:D

Good God..... how are you even real XD well to start off, a quick intro :).... probably my only irl friend that is actually active on this app and of course MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER IN THE WORLD AND THE #1 PERSON IN MY LIFE >:), I want to take this opportunity to just thank you again (I know I’ve said a a bunch of times and you probably hate me for saying it a lot XD, that along with sorry :(((( I can’t really control that Lmao but I’m getting better at it right :D). You....you’re my best friend :)... you have changed my life for the better way too many times cuz. I’ve honestly lost count dude. I’ve lost count. I just want you to know that even tho I said that the first thing I wrote on this post was meant for a bunch of people. I was really mainly thinking about you when I wrote it. Ever since you’ve been part of my life. You have made sure to change it completely. And only for the good and for the better. I don’t think you have a genuine idea of how much you’ve changed my life and how much you’ve made me happy :)... thank you Genny thank you so much for being the best thing to ever happen to me. Genny you truly are the best most amazing, kindest, nicest, loveliest, most wonderful, most talented person I’ve ever met. Look I won’t write my full thing here since...well I’ll say the rest to you directly. But well .. Genny... I love you... I love you so fucking much alright :D thank you for being the highlight of my life. Thank you for being you Genny and thank you for being here for me and just being my best friend in the world :)

@ritsu-in-a-maid-dress , heyyy duuuudee buddy chum buddy pal XD (don’t ask lmao), I know we like met only a few weeks ago actually idk maybe at the point when I actually decide to post this it’ll be months or like a year 😳 (and if it is HOLY SHIT WTF I HOPE I ACTUALLY TOLD YOU SOMETHING IN THAT TIME CUZ DAMN) and well so far, you have been nothing but an amazing, way too nice, handsome friend that has somehow probably one of the sweetest hearts out there. You’re actually so fucking funny and have made my day much better sometimes just from the very few talked we’ve had lmao (correction now it’s actually been quite a few 😳and honestly they’re getting to much better and funnier so thank you so much for making me laugh :D (oh and I will never forget that one call we had for 3 FUCKING HOURS DUDE!!!! THAT WAS AWSOME!!!) ) and while at first I was very shy to even talk to you. I’m happy that I can comfortably say hi without any regrets or anything lmao. I will tell you something I’m very thankful for in dm too cuz it’s kinda private :) so yeah.... thank you so much for being you and being my friend :D

@quellfy yoooooo duuuudde I don’t think we’ve ever really interacted on here but I’ve talked to you on the server and well I can know from there that. You’re just such an amazing and kind person. And that every time we talk I have a great time :)) I don’t know a lot about you but I do know that you’re an amazing artist who has amazing art (yes even when it’s not sad “pointing at alluka in snow drawing” amazing) and that you’re such a kind and I nice human being who’s been just super nice and good to me :)) so thank you. For being my friend and for being such an amazing human being :D

@faceless-dude yooooo I don’t think we’ve properly talked before but like :))) I really think you’re an amazing person and just super talented. Your art is something I’ve never seen before and I really really think it’s unique and just amazing. Thank you for your wonderful wishes. And yeah dw. I plan on keeping that promise >:) Gen will get her booties kicked just like you asked XD

@kur-upira we probably only interacted a few times. But in those few times. I could tell what kind of person you are and how much of an amazing person you are :D. I can tell you that just from those few times. I was able to see how much of a beautiful, talented (yes holy shit. I cannot stress this enough. I love your artstyle and good god it’s so good everything from the actual drawings to the shading to the colouring. It’s amazing dude. I really mean that. It’s one of the most unique and most beautiful artstyles I’ve ever seen), friendly and just amazing human being you are :))) thank you for those few interaction (which probably took me whole days to respond to because of anxiety and bs XD sorry about that lmao) and yeah. I would absolutely love to get to know you better and to interact more with each other :D

@starrynarwhale, I know we like pretty much only interacted like twice with each other but from those few times. I knew that you were a wonderful person :) not just an amazing person. But a very talented one too :D (your art is amazing dude. It’s really great. Not only that but like. Can I just say that. Your frog gon fridays are godly dude. They’re always so fucking cool and wholesome 🥺🥺I love them so much. Amazing) you seem like a very kind and amazing person so yeah :)) I’d love to get to know you better :D

@catboyyouko yooooo. I know we probably have only interacted once but let me tell you dude. You’re a wonderful, amazing, nice, kind and extremely talented human being. (Dude you don’t understand. Your art is fucking amazing. Not only that but your comics are so goddamn great too. Not just in an art way but in a story way too. It’s just always so amazing) oh and also like... I see that you vent a lot and stuff and just wanted to let you know that if you ever needed someone to talk to or vent to. I’m here for you. I feel like you’re such an amazing person and I would love to get to know you better :) so yeah. If you ever need anyone to talk to. I’m here alright :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE. I LOVE YOU ALL SO FUCKING MUCH

And if I didn’t @ you I promise It’s just cuz I’m too scared to bother you and @ Ing this many ppl has already made my anxiety skyrocket.

[firesfelt]

{ tyler posey, 25, genderfluid, he/him/they/them ) NEVAEH ANDREWS was seen listening to NOSERINGS AND SHOESTRINGS BY NINA NESBITT on their way to BARTENDER. NEV is known to be PROTECTIVE & TEMPERMENTAL.

oh lewk it’s pacey back again with some more gremlin children. first of all, i’m pouting over the fact that the addition of nev means my streak of only using fcs with names that begin with ‘a’ is over, but we had a good run ! also forgive me that this intro won’t match the others but i cannot be arsed to faff around with photoshop rn. plus i have a zoom thing in like an hour so let’s see if i can get enough info out in that time let’s goooooo.

so nev is,,,,,,, a little shit.

the tldr of them is they’re a musically inclined pasta lover with really great intentions, but a horrible execution. they’re currently attempting to get custody of their two youngest siblings ( the other sibling being my other Newest Addition, farrow, who is far less delusional about how likely nev getting custody is ) after the death of their beloved mother. very much here for the bants and a good joke, anxious 70% of the time, v protective, very much a mess. 

the extended version is as follows: nev’s mama was a humble seventeen when they were born, much to the displeasure of her family. upon hearing she was expecting, miss harmony andrews was promptly disowned and never spoken to again. charming. she did everything she could to provide for nev ( and later, their three siblings ) and build a good life for them. their dad didn’t stick around for very long at all, and was gone by the time nev made it into the world, so it was just harmony and lil nev for a long time. my gal thought she was being original with their name, and didn’t realise it was kind already a name people had, and a name usually given to baby girls, but she didn’t care --- nor does nev. they love their name; their mum gave it to them.

their mum was pretty unlucky in love over the years, but she did get three more kiddos out of her failed endeavours. all the kids have different dads, but nev really hates anybody referring to them as their ‘half-siblings’ -- they’re just their siblings, y’know ?

they were a super tight family, and one of their distant relatives forgot to write their mama out their will before kicking the bucket, so guess who eventually got a house too ? life was grand, all was good

nev was always an anxious creature though, which eventually lead to full-blown anxiety as they got older. it reached its peak when they were a teenager, and there was a rlly rough period of time where they sought help via inpatient, and has been doin better since, but obviously still struggles ( and obviously the death of their mum has made things worse )

their littlest sister is the absolute light of their life ( honestly, they’d be happy just getting custody of her, but morally they’re like,,, well if i wanna raise her i should prolly try with my brother too lmao rip ) and while they and farrow don’t always see eye to eye, they’re p close 

but at the end of the day, nev isn’t a suitable guardian. they work nights, don’t earn anywhere near enough to fully support themselves let alone two kids, don’t have their own place and are currently crashing with a friend and his parents, and the kids’ social worker has definitely seen them lose their shit inappropriately at least once or twice. it’s just,,, not gonna happen ? his hatred for the kids’ foster parents is incredibly irrational, and they’re just not.......... Right ( ???? ) in this scenario. like, they feel the kids should be with them and that’s what’s best for them, but it just............ isn’t ?

so there’s like a lot of angst in this kid’s life

but legit it’s not all doom and gloom, they’re an absolute meme of a person in general 

they’re pretty good at their job tho ! they can be super chatty -- one might even say charismatic if they’re being generous -- and friendly, and they really know their way around a bar, so it’s a good time, and they have a good time for a lot of it. but like i said, doesn’t earn them a massive deal to live off of, but it’ll do. i don’t have anywhere sort of in mind in particular, so happy to plot some stuff or whip something up myself !!!

they’ve been in huntsville their entire life, so connections of all kinds are for sure on the table 

( remember when i said i had a zoom thing in an hour ? well rip that was yesterday lmao, lemme finish this up ) 

kiddo’s always been musical, and they’ve been in a long string of bands over the year. love the idea of them currently being in a band w/ some rlly close pals and it’s just the combo that finally Fits ? like their ideas mesh well and they work well together and they have a lot of fun ?? whereas old bands just caused nev grief in the past a lot of the time ??

where emika’s general gender identity is ‘shrug emoji but i’ll go with what i think fits most’ nev’s is more,, they see gender as the spectrum it is, but they’ve just sort of astral projected behind her eyes style and is just an orb sort of floating around above said spectrum, vibing around. 

v aware i have messages to reply to btw ! i’ll be over on discord in a mo, feel free to shoot me an im if you wanna plot ! like i’ve said before, i’m 1000000% game for anything 

hopefully farrow’s intro gets up earlier and easier lmao love you all byeeeeee

[jwnbwnjwn]

Entry 8 (12.20.2020)

 Well, it’s been a while since I’ve posted an entry on here. My last one was back in September, and man a lot has happened since. First off, My sleeping schedule has been messed up for the past couple of days, and in a bit I’ll get to why. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it in any of the last posts but, if I didn’t then my goal for the last couple of months has been to get on a (keto) diet and lose some weight, and I’m here to tell you I still haven’t, I haven’t even stuck to a diet for that matter. The only diet I’ve had has consisted of take out and midnight snacks. Anyways, now let’s get down to business. I went ahead and read my latest blog post before this and I laughed at the fact that I said I was starting a diet, yeah that never happened. Im happily at 160 lbs at the moment (not really happy about it but oh well). 

I mean covid-19 is still going on, its kinda spiking then calming down, spiking again, and its just this whole repeating situation. Everyone's still wearing and masks and doing everything to be safe, although I think my towns cases are starting to go down. It is around Christmas time so they’re starting to decorate everything, all the parks and stuff; so hopefully that doesn't spike the numbers up again. When going out though I still have to be careful, I can’t catch covid and give it to my loved ones, and I would rather not make history and get sick. 

I guess I should start here. I wish my life was still the same as it was during my last entry. I really do. I wouldn’t have known what I do now and I would’ve just been at peace, happily living my life and struggling with school. I ended up getting a D in that biology course, and dropping that math and history course. Yeah, it was a pretty shitty school year tbh. I’ve never been that lazy and unmotivated when it comes to school but man, this fall year really took a toll on me because I legit did nothing all year. In result of it, my gpa went to absolute shit and down to a 2.8. I now gotta make that up during the summer and try to get it as high as i possibly can. I just finished my second fall semester so I’ve been on Christmas break for about a week now, but honestly this break feels so lazy and gross. I am reading my last entry to see what I can catch everyone up on, as things have changed drastically. I mean my friendships are still fine, I still keep in contact with seatbelt and ice and maria. I keep in contact with them almost daily honestly. About my relationship, thats where I wish things were the way they were three months ago. Without going over too much detail, a girl reached out to me and let me know her boyfriend and Mr. were trading girls nudes again. Honestly hearing this a second time broke my heart, but I really didnt have much of a reaction to it. It hurts every here and there, but I guess im forcing myself to open my heart and forgive and forget so I can go ahead and move on already. Mr. and I are in a certain situation trying to avoid law enf*rc*m*nt so things have been kind of hard recently. He’s been seeing me many times this week just because of the fear itself that one day might be his last time to see me, but I think things are starting to cool down with our/his situation, so hopefully he’s not walking on eggshells too longer, because seeing him worried makes me worried and vice versa. He’s looking into going to therapy and having a closer relationship between him and god, in order to get rid of his old ways and make himself into the better person he needs to become. I can’t really get into details about the situation on here as it legit would be the most dumbest thing I could possibly do, but in result of getting closure about it, he told me he was planning on purposing in the near future, like before 2021 is over - but then he had to go fuck it up and put that on hold. After talking about it we’re going to have to attend counseling once again, but in hopes of fixing our relationship and getting closer again. I love him a lot, I do, but man he is one dumb ass person. I really hope and pray he gets his stuff together, because I really do want to spend the rest of my life with him. I mean, I guess we’re kind of in an awkward part in our relationship, but its honestly because of the situation we’re in, so we just have to work through this and rebuild the trust he ruined. I know he’s going to be going to individual counseling for sure, but I have a feeling that’s just going to turn into couples counseling the way it happened the first time. I hope I can get myself to go into counseling for myself as well, because man, I really do want to work through these issues I have deep down inside of me, but I can’t find the courage I need at the moment - maybe after all of this is done I will. Mr.’s dad is still really sick, but im still praying to god and the heavens above he gets better. I’ve been talking to my dad a lot and my relationship has been improving, while my moms and I’s is kind of going backwards slowly. About those two discord friends, I dont know why I put “crunch” as one of them. I forgot what his first nickname was, but I know it wasn crunch. I mean his name is cesar, so i guess i got mixed up lol but yeah i’m not friends with c*sar and shr*mp anymore. I mean I got really close with him, and I did consider im an important person in my life, until one day I logged onto Discord to see he kicked me out of the server and blocked me, which eventually resulted in everyone from the server blocking me and deleting me off roblox so, I pretty much had no say in it. There wasn't even a reason TO block me, I legit just logged on randomly and was blocked. Although I found out through someone else who was also in the server before he himself blocked me that apparently I was jealous of shr*mp and I guess calling c*sar manipulative got him upset and thinking so he blocked me lmao. Anyways, because of this I dont really play Roblox that often anymore, but instead I watch anime now. Currently waiting on AOT’s new episode releasing today so, thats something exciting to look forward to. I cant wait for christmas just so i can see the look on my siblings face when they see what I got them lol. I also got Mr. a chain bracelet, so I hope he likes it and actally wears it. There’s not really much else except being on eggshells with Mr. and wasting my life away. I’ll keep you guys updated. I’ll try to post on here more often.

Ended this at 12.20.2020 at 8:27 AM

-jen

[retrauxpunk]

sv 6.04

spoiler-filled recap post under the cut

WHAT THE FUCK

i swear every single episode is gonna have me feeling like that because IT’S SO INTENSE i think i’ve forgotten how intense this show is because it’s prior to the release of s6 it’s been 2 years since i watched new episodes? and so i just know the storylines quite well and am familiar with everything?

but jesus christ!!

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

okay let’s start at the beginning:

FUCK ethan!!

WHAT THE FUCK

I had the vague inkling of a feeling that bringing on ethan would be the same as bringing on the carver, russ hanneman, jack barker, etc. in that it would seem to be good at first and then it would magnificently blow up AND THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED WHAT THE FUCK

there were so many intertwined storylines in this episode? i feel like there were more than usual? there was: richard and his conflict with ethan; gavin’s book thing; monica’s misadventures with feminism; gilfoyle’s budding friendship with john stafford (I STAN); jared’s story with his parents and gwart

THERE WAS SO MUCH.

last episode my fingers couldn’t keep up with my thoughts because it was such an amazing uplifting kickass episode, but this time i just feel, i dunno, kind of clogged with feelings/thoughts because there was a lot that happened in this episode and it was................ MOSTLY SAD????? mostly unpleasant?????? like it was a great episode but all the things that happened to the characters were like ... real shitty

HOLY SHIT the guy who plays ethan is SO GOOD at playing the role of the emotionally manipulative jackass prick who mistreats you and then acts like you’re the shitty one if you don’t ‘play along with the fun’ and so on like HOLY MOTHERFUCKER those types of people are the fucking worst and god i wish richard’s punch hand gotten him in the mouth instead or something (more on that later)

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he was so terrible to richard! it fucking hurt! i was with dinesh! i watched richard’s balls getting kicked and my balls hurt in solidarity!! fuck!!

????!

richard what are you doing

it was, no lie, a little nice and fuzzy and heartwarming to see dinesh like sticking up for richard and trying to help him

even if it’s through the ‘dumbest thing i’ve ever seen’, that alpha male video. 

WHAT WAS THAT

THAT WAS LEGIT like something out of IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA what the FUCK

i don’t object to it being in the show because, y’know, it’s within the bounds of the absurdities of the show and so on, but

WHAT! that had the exact same energy as the fight milk ads!!

i really like that richard’s initial reaction was ‘this is the dumbest thing i’ve ever seen’. what a shame he succumbed to it!!! ........but at least it wasn’t something worse that he succumbed too i guess???

POOR RICHARD

this is one of those episodes where i am entirely on richard’s side and have no complaints about him, he didn’t do anything wrong

omg i just remembered when he caught ethan’s eye in the opening scene and waved him in because of ‘dumb social shit’ (#relatable) ................WAS THAT BECAUSE HE WAS REFLEXIVELY REGRESSING TO HIS DOWNTRODDEN WAYS from when he was ethan’s report and was consistently having to defer to him and put up with his shit? and that’s why when ethan motions to like invite himself into richard’s office, that’s why richard just invites him in?

yeah that’s my opinion now

........

IT HURTS

IT HURTS WATCHING RICHARD GET KICKED AROUND BY ETHAN

WHAT THE FUCK DUDE

this is one of those times when richard’s like, trying to do a good/right thing and be nice and so on WHEN HE SHOULDN’T BE. like when he was ‘trying to respect’ erlich by refusing to hire jared patakian despite erlich giving him his blessing. and (to a lesser extent) when he went to have those chats with seth after gilfoyle stole the endframe login credentials, and when he gifted laurie some pied piper credits (where they credits? don’t remember the word)

UGH he was trying to be ~chill~ and not so uptight and so on BUT NO THIS IS NOT THE TIME RICHARD and no this is not what being a cool/nice person is! it is not putting up with this kind of shit!

i just felt so bad for him!!!

WHAT THE FUCK IS ETHAN’S PROBLEM

god what a cock

I’M SO GLAD RICHARD PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE and honestly??? i wish the punch had fucking landed!! for once i’m sick of richard being an ineffectual klutz! i want him to try to kick ass and succeed!!! god!!

that’s what i want out of season 6, one (1) time when richard tries to do something physically badass like socking a deserving douchebag in the face and actually succeeds

can’t fucking believe he bought into dinesh’s dumbfuck alpha male video. UGH RICHARD

i mean at..........at least it makes him........feel better? idk

(in my personal hc richard manages to watch that fucking always sunny style video and not develop misogynistic tendencies as consequence because that would be lame if it happened)

I JUST HAD TO TAKE A BREAK FROM WRITING THIS RECAP BECAUSE IT WAS SUCH AN INTENSE EPISODE

6.3 was intense in the same way that like an adrenaline-fuelled ultimately victorious battle is intense, or like, idk, the lovechild of MDMA and acid???

6.4 is intense like the COMEDOWN. god

IT IS THE COMEDOWN, it’s the terrible fucking low that occurs in the wake of the soaring high of buying hooli!! fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay so that’s the richard storyline covered

um

y’know i was suspicious when ethan wanted to move things onto hooliphones, i thought it was maybe some kind of thing to sabotage pied piper in some way? but now i see maybe it’s just a way to get himself a job. and the bullying of richard is a way to soothe his own fragile ego i guess? hmm

gilfoyle’s friendship with john stafford! I LOVE IT! i love that the guy from the underground pits of jack barker’s box plan has returned! and he announces each hooliphone the way he announced each box ... excellent callback. AND THEY PLAY CHESS! AND HE BEAT GILFOYLE EVERY SINGLE TIME! YES!!! 

GILFOYLE WHY DID YOU DELETE HIS FRIEND REQUEST

YOU WERE GONNA ACCEPT IT

YOUR CURSOR WAS HOVERING

WHY THE FUCK

some kind of lame-as-fuck attempt to maintain an idea of power in the dynamic? viewing the vulnerability of accepting a friend request as somehow being weak/lame?? just upset because he lost so many chess games??

hope it’s the the last one becaues that’s the least lame/sad of the three i thinkkkk

also his fucking feed full of dinesh hate. what a loser lmao perfectly suited to dinesh

i want them to kiss

ummmmmmmm monica!! lmao i enjoyed how they made her a female character who is successful but not actually personally interested in being a feminist activist, because i think that’s a thing that’s pretty real/relatable. like, you can be a woman who believes in gender equality but who doesn’t actually do stuff to actively advocate for it, and i think that’s a lot of people, and honestly i don’t think i’m quite like monica (i wouldn’t say the things she said about foxhole HAHAHHA) but i relate to it! i’m not a very politically active person at all, my ~activism is limited to being generally educated on stuff and calling out/discussing shitty things if friends/colleagues say them. so i guess i felt seen? #guiltyfeminist

when monica went to the panel........... and then priyanka totally outshone her ........ i felt a little bad for monica but she was pawning off foxhole to priyanka entirely selfishly because she herself didn’t want to be involved and so i didn’t feel too bad for her :pp

good on priyanka! all that stuff  she’s doing sounds awesome!

except the beginning where she referenced her ‘network of awesome women coders’ or something like that, i found that phrasing uhhhhhhh cringey. cliquey. didn’t like it, but that’s just my subjective feeling. also i suspect it was meant to be a little satirical of uberwokeness so fair :P

richard giving monica foxhole ‘for optics’ and then doing the handwavey ‘just make it work, for women’ ........ a brilliant sad-funny representation of extremely superficial and empty meaningless ‘feminism’

laurie lasering in on gwart because she’s also eating that vegetable in a weird way! nice.

OKAY JARED? JARED

FUCK

we see him set up in pied piper’s offices meaning he at least took up richard’s offer which is nice

his parents?

fuck ‘em

they deserve to rot, obviously

sociopaths

i............................... it was an upsetting scene, i’m not sure why it’s in the show............ perhaps to give rise to jared’s whole ‘i must have rejected them and rejected everyone else who’s been kind’ thing that he’s doing in a desperate bid to understand/make sense of his suffering ....... which gives rise to his thing about rejecting richard...

i guess maybe he’s doing that thing where he’s repeating past cycles of trauma/abandonment? that’s what’s (at least partially) driving his stubborn refusal to rejoin richard? is it that he (on some not-necessarily-conscious level) believes himself unworthy of happiness and self-sabotages? and all of that mixes with his fear of fucking up pied piper with his feelings (the way he did in 6.1) and that keeps him away from richard?

I DON’T KNOW IT’S COMPLICATED AND MAKES ME SAD

that thing he said about how he has to stay with gwart . .............. god this stupid entirely arbitrary rule he’s set for himself, it’s so fucking painful

ETHAN’S REPENTANCE WAS DUE TO THREAT FROM HOLDEN? WOW

um

good on you holden i guess!! .....?

i HATE the whole ‘jared threatening holden and emotionally abusing him into the perfect assistant for richard’ arc because that was painful and i feel like it was played for laughs but i didn’t find it funny or good at all

so in this case it was kinda vindicating to see holden no longer terrified of jared and kind of sassing him (’don’t you have somewhere to be’)

..............what was with the end of the cold open where richard’s like ‘holden i wanted water’??? or something? didn’t holden give him the water partway through ethan’s presentation? ugH

GWART FIRING JARED

FUCK YES! THANK YOU GWART

JARED TALKING ABOUT HOW HE’S FREE TO GO WITH RICHARD

HOLY FUCK

YEAH SO OF COURSE OUR BOY JARED WANTS TO BE WITH RICHARD and now that gwart (his temporarily chosen ‘leader’/person to be devoted to) has given him orders (and therefore permission) to fuck off, he CAN BE WITH RICHARD without feeling like he’s, i dunno, being disloyal.

HURRAH

so the episode ENDS on jared asserting that there is a space for him to be with richard? homg seems like 6.5 is gonna go HEAVY ON THE JARRICH again?????

HNNNG

this was a tense episode and i’m upset

like it was a decent episode, i didn’t think it was bad quality, i’m just sad

[coe-lilium]

TroS reaction (1st view)

Necessary premise in bullet points:

- I liked TFA when it came out and still do but as I dug into the franchise/canon (Disney only by choice) my enjoyment of it became more lukewarm. Came out of it dreading a potential Reylo but liking the two charas on their own. 

- went into TLJ worried I’d hate it, came out with it being my favorite saga movie and sold on the Rey-Ren connection, whatever road it would’ve taken. Loved the “Rey’s powerful on her own/bc the Force wants to set Kylo’s wrongs right”. It felt good after two years of being bombarded with “this fucking Mary Sue can have any power only if she’s connected to powerful men of the saga, she has otherwise no right in being powerful” in forums spaces.    

- went into TroS non-spoiled, wary of Palpatine return but relatively hopeful if soured about the “JJ our lord and saviour pleease save us from evil evil Jonhson” (HA!). The rumors about lore from the tv series being featured into the movie had me excited.  

That said, here goes: [SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE MOVIE, ENDING INCLUDED, RIGHT OFF THE BAT]

I didn’t like it. I really hope to warm up to it more in future views, there’s absolutely stuff I liked or even loved, but as it stands now it was overall a massive disappointment on many sides and -worst of all- threatens to retroactively ruin my enjoyment in other previous stories. 

First, the positives: 

- Parentage notwithstanding, Rey was good. Her rage, her fears, her good heart, her commitment to the fight and the training, her longing for guidance… truly, if the bloodline revelation hadn’t retroactively ruined my investment in the character and themes I’d have fully, 100% loved her even if every single other part of the movie had been the same. 

Except for a brief war flashback to Starkiller game abilities (I lolled) I wasn’t even troubled by all the new abilities or their scope. Movies’ been inventing new powers since the beginning and the Force does what the Force wants. Again, fuck the genetics “twist”, garbage stuff. 

- Kylo, next to… 95% that involved him? TLJ did a great job selling him to me and surprisingly this movie added to that instead of retconning it away. More competent but still stupid and petty from time to time. I’m glad he came back, glad he choose right and glad he was allowed more time on the right side than Anakin. I love redemptions and he was portrayed as wavering the entire trilogy, I don’t even really care that it could’ve done better. I’m happy for him and his family, that’s all. The kiss got a laugh out me but not a malicious one, I was kind of running out of reasonable reactions by then. 

I’m just conflicted on how I feel about his death. Back when TFA was released I wanted him to survive to face what Anakin didn’t: justice (the kid-friendly setting prevented a death sentence anyway), atonement and growth from there, I still wish it happened and maintain that a different pacing would’ve allowed it. On the other hand, I’m also kinda okay with him dying. He righted at least a bit of his many wrongs, he saved a person he cared for, that his parents cared for and that could help the galaxy much more than he ever could and he was at peace. It was a good death.      

- Kylo’s vision/illusion of Han. A surprise but a very pleasant, well acted one. Would’ve I maybe liked Anakin more, as Ben idolized him so much and for all the wrong reasons and because I love that disaster? Yes. Does Han work much better in the economy of the movie and trilogy story and do he and Ben have a much rawer relationship and history? Absolutely. I am a teeny tiny bit baffled as  for why Luke didn’t also show up, but the actual scene was good enough I forgive it.  

- Rey and Kylo bond and connection was one of the saving graces of this mess and I utterly loved it. Both actors worked their asses for for all their scenes and it payed off, oh if it payed off. Their DSII duel was perhaps a tad long but great nonetheless (Republic era Jedi jumps!), the hurt and the sense of absolute loss and grief they both conveyed -and shared!- after Leia’s passing was incredible, Rey regretting the near kill and softly going “I would have stayed, had you renounced the dark side”. She cared, yes, but not to the point of ignoring the horrors (something Anakin never quite understood). The “dyad” stuff was a bit overkill, just call it a force bond, we can see it’s freaking powerful, but the Force Skype and sharing of objects that came with the package, that I loved. Surprise lightsaber, Ren fuckers! :D Bet Anakin and Obi Wan were really jealous, that would’ve come in handy during the war.       

- Finn was now fully invested in the cause, at ease, visibly happy to be with his friends, ready to bond and reach out, quick to plan, to act and to adapt to the situation, brave but cautious and calculating. I wish it was given a bit more focus, but I loved he found other young FO defectors. Also fuck yeah, he’s force sensitive and his ability is used, not just thrown in as a useless wink. Jedi Finn in future material, c’mon!

- Poe’s also grown. He was probably going to have more screen time with Leia had Carrie not died but there was nothing to be done for that. I’m not as happy as for previous 3 charas for the backstory retcon I’ll tackle in the negatives.

- Jannah was cool, the addiction of other FO defectors a welcomed one and the scene were she and Finn excitedly went over their “I broke free” moment was adorable. Good bean, I’d read more about her and her company. 

- A bit lot annoyed at Bloodline being kinda tossed outta the window but getting Leia with lightsaber was nice. Give me some ancillary material to deal with the clash and I’ll fully forgive it. 

- Jedi! MY GIRL AHSOKA MY MAN KANAN! I mean, I sure wish they were in a better movie, but hey, recognition for something more than the OT? No slandering of the Order but all of them collectively kicking Sidious ass once and for all? I’ll gladly take it. Anakin, my dude, I’m sorry your sacrifice was next to nullified but it was good to hear you again ;_;  I didn’t hear Ezra’s voice anywhere so I can still hope he’s alive, well and with the Ascendancy teaching all their Navigators. “I am all the Jedi” remains a terrible line. 

And now, oh boi. Here comes the long list of annoying - bad - stinking shit stuff: 

- If I wanted to watch a 2 and half long videogame cutscenes I’d have done that in the comfort of my home without spending money for tickets. Go to level x to retrieve related macguffin, move to next level to get next macguffin and so on and so on. I liked close to everything in the DS II sequences, but what would’ve that dagger pointed at if the wreckage had fallen even a little bit differently?   

In general, many plot points gave me the feeling they were stolen from the tv series and badly executed, like a mockery (or incompetence?). Case in point: Hux betraying the 1st Order out of personal, spiteful hate? Potentially good! The execution? A poor man’s Rebels Agent Kallus, already over in little more than 5minutes. 

- Palpatine himself is a poorly, ridiculously poorly executed Maul resurrection storyline from tcw and rebels. 

Because Maul was 1. explained and 2. got a good, long arc that made you forgive the undoubtably contrived ass-pull it took to bring him back while Sidious is just… there. You gotta accept it because the writer said so. 

How did he survive? We don’t know and fuck you if you expect an explanation (they really had the absolute galls to have him say the iconic/meme line from Rots and apparently it was supposed to be enough?!) How could he “have all Sith reside inside me” when canon’s clear that Sith do-not-get-to-retain-their-individuality-in-the-Force, do not work well together (lmao) and he as an individual never gave a shit about the Sith except when they could serve his own personal desires? His entire approach to the rule of two and other Sith stuff is “fuck that noise, everything in the galaxy exist to serve me”. He’s fine dying as long as “the Sith rule”? Who IS this character, because he’s not Darth Sidious (as presented in Disney’s own canon, mind). Oh, you wanted explanations? FUCK YOU, screams the movie. 

The mess gets somehow salvaged in the end as he comes to his senses and siphon the life out of Rey and Ben to de-rotten/revive himself to rule in person, now *that* was in character. Was he actually lying his ass off the entire time waiting for the moment he could siphon them? Hopefully but who the hell even knows.

In the end it just wasn’t worth bring him back. A holocron, a different Sith, even a hive-mind of old records/tainted wraiths of Sith (perhaps wearing Palps face to buy the old empire aficionados loyalty, idk) would’ve been better than “actually, Anakin suffered nearly his entire life and sacrificed himself for barely more than 25 years of peace and it still wasn’t enough to rid the galaxy of the monster who destroyed his and countless other lives”. But Johnson was the one shitting on beloved characters legacy and accomplishments, uh? Surely at least he’s got company. 

Ian was clearly having a blast, so there was… that? And the initial sequence being legit creepy and the Sith storm or whatever the fuck was that. That can stay, it was cool.     

- Poe, the latino character, got retconned from former Republic pilot (a backstory established before TFA came out and faithfully respected ever since) into a smuggler and gang member. Classy. What does Lucaslfilm have a story group for if not for stopping stuff like this from happening? Bonus Zorii being used for a “no homo! homo? no homo?” wink wink and for generally being a poor man Solo’s Qi’ra.   

- The movie makes you worry for a character death three (3) times in a row only to immediately backpedal on it. The survivors are grieving, the scene is sober… and then suddenly! they’re alive! isn’t it wonderful? let’s insert a comical scene now that we’re at it! Sigh.   

- The whole Threepio stuff was a contrived waste of time in a movie already full of more relevant plot treads that could’ve put that screen time to better use. 

- Rey’s parents apparently aren’t assholes anymore bc they sold her into slavery to protect her from Sidious, which is… supposed to make it alright, a sacrifice in the name of love? If they had been shown trying to give her to a trusted person and then she was kidnapped that wouldn’t had been their fault, just unfortunate, but the movie shows them leaving their 5yo daughter with her in-all-but-name slaver so?? 

- Rey Palpatine… Rey. Palpatine. Gesù Cristo benedetto che minchia mi è toccato di vedere. That hurt. That was so hilariously over the top bad I just…I started laughing. On top of the entire thing, thank you so, soo much for validating all those fucking assholes who demanded Rey be connected to a powerful man in the saga to accept her powers and value, you hack. Jedi were never about power of blood and then you went and reinforced the very opposite. She ain’t powerful bc the Force recognized her as worthy to stop evil and chose to aid her anymore, she’s powerful bc grandfather was. Lovely stuff. Hilariously, now she has a lot more legit “Mary Sue” traits than before. 

- Rose’s sidelining was a blatant bow to her and her actress haters whims. If in VIII she jumped at the chance of action, now she was fearful and “had to stay behind” studying maps. Fuck that noise. 

- Even if she rejected it, underline is that the Skywalker line is wiped out and the Palpatine one thrives. I… just… wtf wtf wtf. A final “Just Rey” would’ve been more powerful -because now it would’ve been reclaimed- and less corny and in poor taste than a Palpatine taking on the Skywalker name. I’m not sure if Sidious is more offended or if he’s laughing his ass off in space!hell. Probably the 2nd. Bad.      

- The final scene on Tatooine. It rang so empty because the planet brings warm memories only to the audience, not the characters. In-universe, that place brought nothing but misery to the Skywalkers: Anakin and Shmi were brought there as slaves and lived as such for years, Shmi was tortured to death and Anakin began his descent into the dark for crying out loud. Luke had to hide and saw his relatives murdered. Leia had no connection whatsoever to the place. The mera idea of burying Anakin Skywalker lightsaber into the sands of Tatooine and considering it a way of paying respect is… I don’t know, hilariously in bad taste? Rey, dear, what did you have personally against the guy? Put those sabers to rest on Naboo! Ah, but we can’t truly acknowledge the PT now, can we? Wack.   

- It’s not TroS complete fault, that “honor” mostly sit at TFA’s feet but for all its omages, copies and almost slavish references, from a in-universe point of view it’s like the OT barely occurred. 

The same evil man has been defeated (until next time?), the Republic must be rebuilt from scratch, a evil military is all over the place and must be dealt with, the Jedi Order has to be rebuilt… it’s depressing. A new evil taking advantage of the empire leftovers would’ve been one thing, but Sidious? He’s been effectively winning nonstop ever since he was elected Chancellor. He had all the power, all the influence, all the control and he maintained it all even as a rotten corpse in exile, the entire galaxy marching on his tune, controlled by his strings. And as the cherry on top of the cake he even managed to wipe out the family that could’ve, should have been his undoing! He effectively destroyed the Skywalkers. He outlived every Jedi, every survivor, every clone. I hate this. It’s sickening. I can’t even be happy Rex was on Endor anymore.      

In general, the best word I can find for this movie is: coward. 

So blatantly desperate to please, to be “forgiven”, to reference every single irrelevant thing -except the PT and the TV series in a intelligent way-, to throw fanservice after fanservice after fanservice no matter how nonsensical from all over that crossed the “corny” to wander into embarrassing territory many times over (Maz giving Chewie a medal outta nowhere? Come the fuck on now). 

The cartoon series had twenty time the guts of this movie and I vehemently wish for Filoni to take the helm of the entire creative team in a very near future.                  

[rcfcel]

*  /  𝔰𝔲𝔯𝔭𝔯𝔦𝔰𝔢  𝔟*𝔱𝔠𝔥𝔢𝔰  !  bet  you  thought  you'd  seen  the  last  of  me  !  lol  apparently  i  like  to  challenge  myself  and  just  haD  to  bring  in  my  new  man  so  yeah  hi  ,  meet  raf  /  rj  !  i'm  v  excited  for  y'all  to  meet  him  —  fair  warning  ,  i'm  starting  from  scratch  with  him  cause  i  got  #inspired  so  i  apologize  if  the  info  below  is  a  mess  !  pls  love  us  .

( tommy martinez, cis male, he/him ) i just saw RAFAEL MICHELENA walking down the streets of provincetown the other day playing CHATEAU by BLACKBEAR out loud. rumor has it that the TWENTY THREE year old is GENEROUS, but can also be AGGRESSIVE — overall they’re a MAVERICK. they remind me of LEATHER SEATS IN BLACK CADILLACS, CIGARETTES SMASHED TO ASHES IN ASHTRAYS, & MALT WHISKEY POURED OVER ICE. ( lenny the pooh, 5, antarctica, she/her )

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔟𝔞𝔰𝔦𝔠𝔰 :

full name : rafael johan michelena

nicknames : raf , rj

age / dob : twenty3 / february 14 , 1996

gender : cis male ( he / him )

sexuality : openly bisexual

occupation : firefighter

hometown : provincetown , ma

label : the maverick ( an unorthodox or independent-minded person )

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔰𝔱𝔬𝔯𝔶 :

so dear rafael here was raised by a single father after his mother passed away shortly after he was born due to complications during labour . raf’s father never really wanted kids as he’d been wanting to focus on his paramedic career and was worried he wouldn’t be home enough to be with his family , but his beloved wife had assured him everything would work out in the end — which , of course , it didn’t really because he was left alone with a baby boy he didn’t know how to take care of .

his dad struggled for most of raf’s childhood , having to juggle both his demanding career and an even more demanding child , but with the help of close family and a very generous family who lived next door and took care of raf whenever his father worked night shifts , it all did work out in the end , just as his late mother had promised .

despite his father being away so much , raf developed a very strong relationship with his father . when he was young , his father was away a lot because he was just starting in paramedics so he got stuck with the less desirable shifts — but as rj grew older , his father moved up the ranks of his career and finally made it into a position that didn’t keep him away from home as late , allowing the two to spend some actual time together .

from a young age , raf knew he wanted to save lives like his father . fun fact : one night when he was young and staying over at the neighbour’s house , he drew a little picture of his father in uniform and then drew himself wearing a little uniform too — the neighbour showed this to his father when he picked him up and the grown man damn near cried .

raf has always been super proud of his dad for chasing his dreams and taking on each obstacle that came his way . 

at first , he wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps and become a paramedic — which he did , for a short while . after his school graduation , he went to school to get his emt ( emergency medical technician ) certificate and then worked to become a paramedic , by the time he was twenty one he was working the same job in provincetown his dad had been when he was young .

after about a year and a half , raf realized he wanted more . as a paramedic he worked closely with the provincetown firefighters and had always found their bravery inspiring . he got along with the crew well and one night over drinks he confided in them about possibly following along their career path instead . of course they all jumped to say do it , while also giving raf good advice and facts about the job , but nothing they said scared raf away from it — if anything , he was even more excited .

so fast forward a few months , and a very gruelling entrance exam and training period , and he switched out his paramedic uniform for a firefighter uniform and joined his buddies in the station .

it’s been about a year now since he first put on that uniform and rj truly hasn’t looked back since . the hours are rough and the job is laborious , but it’s also super rewarding and he wouldn’t change it for the world .

currently , he lives in a cozy ass apartment in provincetown on his own , although he spends many nights at the station when he’s on duty so i have this headcanon that his apartment is like .. hotel raf lmAO like need a place to crash and get away from shit ? there’s a spare key under the mat .

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔦𝔫𝔰𝔦𝔡𝔢 :

labels(s) : the maverick , the hedonist , the contingent

maverick : due to his father’s extraneous job , raf grew extremely independent at a young age . when he was finally old enough to stay home and take care of himself , he honestly thrived .

hedonist : working in such emotionally challenging jobs has taught raf to really live life to its fullest and treasure every moment . he never takes anything for granted and is almost always looking for a fun time during his days off .

contingent : while his independence is clear in how he can take care of himself and make his own decisions , raf is incredibly dependent on those around him for support and companionship . he struggles with being alone and is in constant need of company and friendship .

traits : generous , charming , aggressive , protective , passionate , diligent , indulgent , short - tempered .

aesthetics : leather seats in black cadillacs , thick ringlets curling around chiseled features , black jeans with a lighter in the back pocket , cigarettes smashed to ashes in ashtrays , malt whiskey poured over ice , callused hands stuffed in the pockets of a leather jacket .

soundtrack : honestly , i’ve been listening to blackbear during raf’s entire conception so you can literally just listen to his entire discography to get a feel for his vibe .

personality : while he inherited his father’s passion , drive , and general kind demeanour , raf definitely made a name for himself with his slightly mysterious aura at first glance — maybe it’s the mostly black wardrobe , the cigarette that usually dangles from his lips , or the way his brow creases whenever he listens to someone speak like they’re the only person in the universe , he’s a little intimidating at first — but honestly , anyone who really knows him would laugh at people who comment on his mystery : “ yeah , i thought he was gonna be a total asshole at first , could not have been more wrong though ” has definitely been said numerous times about him .

raf’s actually probably the biggest teddy bear in ptown . his heart is somehow bigger than his hair and he welcomes everyone into his life with open arms ( after a short trial run to make sure they’re not gonna fuck with him of course )

he truly loves his friends more than anything . i’m not kidding when i say his apartment is hotel raf cause legit if u need a place to crash , even if it’s 4 in the morning , you can knock on his door and he’ll likely even give up his bed for you .

wears his heart on his sleeve , probably a little too much for his own good , but thrives off of honesty and trust so he’s definitely your go to guy if you’ve got shit going on .

also your go to guy if you need someone’s ass kicked . he’s a firefighter for crying out loud , he drinks preworkout like it’s water and could probably bench the entire snack pack lbr .

he’s a big old hopeless romantic too — he was born on valentine’s day after all .

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔠𝔬𝔫𝔫𝔢𝔠𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫𝔰 :

once again , let me scream into the void that i am open to pretty much anything . lay it all on me , give me your worst and just rIP my heart out why don’t you . but ! below is a list of ideas i brainstormed up for raf 

i really want someone from the family that helped take care of him when he was little !

neighbours , childhood best friends , childhood crush / first kiss

gym buddies PLS give raf a buddy he can call up to go play basketball or challenge to a weight lifting comp LOL

past / present hook ups ! raf’s an emotional guy but his job is stressful as fuck and he def needs soME sort of way to unwind .

exes ! mayhaps they dated in high school and broke up cause theY went off to college while raf stayed back in ptown .

brOS OHMYGODPLS give me joey and chandler , jake and charles , troy and chAD

a brother / sister friendship pls ! someone he can be way too protective of .

platonic soulmates ! my fav !!

an angsty flirtationship / skinny love type deal .

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔥𝔢𝔞𝔡𝔠𝔞𝔫𝔬𝔫𝔰 :

his apartment is suPER masculine . like exposed brick walls , brown leather couches , stainless steel appliances , dark oak tables and shelves , probably big windows all over the place cause he loves natural sunlight . and the whole snack pack 100% knows where the spare key is in case of emergencies ( insert that one scene of friends where monica’s like “ i gave you that key for emergencies ” and phoebe’s like “ we were out of doritos ” )

he’s got a lil grey pit bull named lily that he saved a few months ago ! she’s his pride and joy .

like .. rarely uses his phone . he’s got all the social medias , but only really checks it when someone tags him in something or whatever . prefers to call over text cause texting annoys him , he’s an impatient fuck .

definitely is the pack’s lil doctor . he’ll always unwind and have a fun time , but will 100% be on alert at all times for accidents or anything bad that could happen . and if it does happen , he’s first on the scene — i mean , why wouldn’t you want a licensed paramedic that looks like tommy martinez icing your sprained ankle right ?

he’s never really travelled much , aside from the times he’s been called to neighbouring towns / cities during big emergencies and such with his crew . he’s got major wanderlust and really wants to travel to venezuela and such , but he’s also perfectly content staying in ptown for now .

he’s a celiac — idk why , i just wanted to give him some sort of weakness cause he seems too perfect rn .

[aq2003]

FULL ENDGAME REVIEW

6.5/10 was ok but could’ve been a lot better in my opinion and by a lot better i mean

tony should’ve lived

-the russos are war criminals for what they did to tony alone. he had a family to go back to, JUST like clint. but i guess self sacrifice is cool, right?

-ever since iron man 3, tony’s story has essentially a dark twist to the “great power great responsibility” trope: the hero internalizes the motivating phrase (“don’t waste your life”), and let it interfere with their ability to take care of themself/open up to others. it started strong in iron man 3, got undermined in aou, got slightly more prevalent in the context of civil war, FINALLY got foreshadowed in infinity war. his arc was ultimately about letting other people HELP him with the responsibility he feels like he needs to carry 

-until endgame threw it under the bus again. in an objectively cool way, yeah, but it still got thrown under the bus and i’m mad

-so now tony stark’s story is ultimately a tragedy. and i fucking hate it, man. he had happiness (but not really, because peter’s not there) for 5 years and that got snatched away from him too! he underwent so much trauma since his goddamn origin story and he had a few moments of peace, sure, but he died before he could fully reunite with his loved ones. and it SUCKS. 

-god this is . this is like. if obi-wan kenobi went through All That but got really close to luke before he died and also never got any closure with anakin as a force ghost

-the russos have said, like outright, that thanos was a symbol of what tony’s been fearing of since 2012, the being that symbolized the root of his anxiety and ptsd. so what does tony do to defeat it? uhhh idk he dies i guess. but it’s okay! he can finally rest now!

-really great message there for the kids, right? 

-also there was a whole sequence about him talking to his dad about not abandoning his kid and being there for her. but now he CAN’T be there for morgan because tony stark is fucking gone and dead and i can’t fucking handle this he deserves so much better

-also also not to be a DudeBroGeek™ but he totally got nerfed during his fight scenes

thor shouldn’t have been played off as a joke

-my whole theater laughed at him being . fat. and i was SUPER SUPER SUPER uncomfy the entire time

-he has a PANIC ATTACK and people LAUGHED i mean way to treat more of your mentally ill characters like shit, russos! sure! just devaluate thor’s suffering by saying “oh he’s fat so it’s funny now! hehe!” FUCK you

-i mean, yikes, i can’t believe we went from iron man 3 (where mental illness is one of the major problems the protagonist clearly struggles with, where tony’s panic attacks are disturbingly real and in no way funny) to THIS SHIT

-don’t even get me STARTED on his arc. like from thor 1 to dark world it’s about putting aside his arrogance for the good of his people. for ragnarok it’s finally stepping up and finding his powers while taking up the responsibility as king. in infinity war i was able to turn a blind eye to it, but it’s so prevalent in endgame how little the russos care about thor’s journey in his movies

-in the end he passes off the responsibility he took up in ragnarok to val and just straight up fucked off to space. like what the hell, man?

-ALSO . loki said the sun would shine on them again but the sun DIDN’T fucking shine on them and i feel robbed. i feel like the russos broke into my home and stole something important.

-the brodinsons deserve better.

-how can taika even be there, like physically. i mean. the thor from his movie got entirely retconned

-also not to be a DudeBroGeek™ again but. but like tony he was so 100% nerfed especially during the fight against thanos HOW did thanos even touch stormbreaker aka the weapon made to kill him like what

-i hate to put this all on james gunn but he’s GOTTA fix the crimes committed in endgame against the guardians and thor

steve’s entire character arc shouldn’t have been undermined

-one of his defining character traits is that he won’t stand by and let bad things happen when he can prevent it

-if you could describe steve rogers THAT’S what you would say about him. 

-it’s like tony being smart. or thor being powerful. steve is just Like That

-so why did he go back in time when two full movies were dedicated to him adapting to the future

-idk it doesn’t really make sense to me

-i don’t actually have much to say about steve, i’m not as attached to his character as tony and thor but it still rubs me the wrong way. maybe it makes more sense to steve stans but from what i’ve seen they’re PISSED even though out of the trio he got the most time to shine in battle lmao

also

-the time travel fuckery was. hmmm

-nat wasn’t there for the admittedly cheesy but still sort of nice girl-power shot

-wong did nothing until the final battle. like him surviving the snap did nothing to impact the story

-why was okoye even on the poster? she should’ve gotten a bigger role imo

-WHAT was dr strange even doing holding back the water

-my brother (who watched the movie with me) thought that the lgbt rep in the movie was “america’s ass” rather than the gay russo in steve’s support group, which just goes to show that the lgbt rep is SO small and the media should really stop hyping it up. not really salt towards the movie itself but it’s still salt

-fortnite

general saltiness out of the way, i’m going to list what i did like about the movie

-those posts going around about how knowing the spoilers take away from the movie are actually really, really wrong. i went in knowing more than half the plot including who lives and dies and i still found it entertaining, to say the least. the movie had a lot of effort put into making it and it really shows. if you ignore the parts you don’t like, you can actually kick back and have a relatively good time

-also the action was really, really good. throughout the entire movie. it’s an avengers film, so the action has to be good, but the fights were still super awesome and a lot were actually a cut above the rest of the mcu (especially the melee fights)

-the final battle was amazing. up until the end, i was on the edge of my seat, because even though it’s another “big final battle against an army of cgi monsters” i actually really really liked it. pretty much everything was perfect about it, and it was so fun to watch the theater go ham whenever a hero did something badass.

-the score. god, the score. alan silvestri did so good with calling back motifs from other solo mcu movies (something marvel should’ve been doing the entire time). ant man’s theme after scott pops out of the quantum realm, captain america’s march when tony hands the shield back to steve, the reprise of “even for you” from infinity war during clint and nat’s mission to vormir, captain marvel’s theme when she blows up thanos’ ship? beautiful

-the actors did a superb job with everything they were given (which probably wasn’t that much). since the russos were paranoid about spoilers apparently no one knew who they were talking to which sucked? because the marvel cast is pretty good at improv lines. but the actors still did a REALLY good job despite this (and really do carry the movie). i felt in my BONES tony’s frustration and anger at steve during the wheelchair scene, thor’s pain and self-loathing when he reunited with frigga, and peter’s DESPAIR when he watched tony die (i will never be okay ever)

-the callbacks to previous mcu movies were fanservice, yeah, but it was the GOOD kind of fanservice in that it was really really cool and served the fans. it’s a great way for the last movie in the infinity saga to end, by revisiting some of the iconic places it touched on before

-tony and nebula! they were only together for the first scene of the movie but the scene with paper football was really soft and nice 

-the civil war conflict was glossed over save for that one scene of tony going the fuck off on steve and i couldn’t be more grateful

-MORGAN STARK. god if i had the capacity to cry i’d be sobbing through writing this entire post. morgan and her soft dad made my heart MELT into pieces i love them 3000

-they still deserved better though

-scott. like in general. he was one of the highlights of the movie. his reunion with cassie was :’)

-carol’s haircut

-by the way a lot of people complained about her makeup in her first scene with the avengers shown in the trailers but it literally wasn’t a problem for any other carol scene in the movie (because that was the only scene in the entire runtime where she was wearing noticeable lipstick/eyeshadow or whatever)

-professor hulk. i actually didn’t expect to like him, but he made a lot of actually funny jokes and i liked his personality contrast with 2012 hulk. also he made scott tacos! he’s really wholesome and i’m willing to ignore the part where he dabbed

-the mark 85 is one of my favorite iron man suits now, even though it didn’t get a lot of screentime

-speaking of which it’s REALLY great how most of the time when tony saves the day it’s because of his smarts. it brings back the main theme of the character: tony stark, the human, plays ball with gods, aliens, and monsters just by being quick witted.

-the entire sequence of tony, steve, and scott getting the scepter and the tesseract was PURE gold. (it’s my favorite part of the movie honestly)

-tony: ok scott to create a distraction i need you to put my past self into cardiac arrest. \ scott: uhh. uhh ok dude?? \ tony: my self loathing is this strong

-rhodey and nebula! they were an awesome teamup and i really really liked their friendship/dynamic

-PEPPER IN RESCUE ARMOR. WE DIDN’T GET ENOUGH OF THAT BUT IT WAS SO GOOD I LOVED IT HER ARMOR DESIGN WAS REAL GREAT

-tony reuniting with peter. i teared up. legit. i teared up.

-thanos: *headbutts carol* \ carol: *doesn’t even move an inch*

-wanda was so badass in her 10 second scene. i just thought it was really cool

-peter using instant kill mode

-tony using the gauntlet was badass. i hated it but it was SO amazing at the same time i wanted to cry and cheer at the same time so i ended up in a semi catatonic state for the rest of the day

-the little wreath with the first arc reactor, morgan craving cheeseburgers, tony’s last message.....;-;

-i love you 3000.....:((((((

-SAM GETTING TO BE CAP. (this was one of the best parts of the all-new all-different avengers comic) even though i still don’t like steve’s ending, i love that sam is going to take up the mantle (and i’m super excited to see the falcon winter soldier show now)

-the movie ended with the soundtrack of tony building the mark 1 solidifying that none of this would’ve happened without iron man. good thing endgame credits said that maybe tony stan lives do matter

-a rat is responsible for saving half the universe and i find that REALLY funny. my favorite theory is that the rat was loki the whole time and that doubles the hilarity

tldr: the movie had an ending that didn’t really fit the characters, but the rest of it was fun to watch: the action scenes were great, the interactions between the characters were mostly good, and it’s overall pretty entertaining as a film by itself. as a closing to the infinity saga it feels unsatisfying, but as a movie it’s enjoyable

[marculees]

Soft Bias Tag <3

Tagged by the lovely @pikachulein, thank you! ^-^

Prepare for soft cringe. So because I’m selfish and lowkey narcissistic hahaha, I kinda have two so this is going to be a 2-in-1 yay. I haven’t even started yet and I’m already laughing?? Anyway lets go~

1. Who is my Bias?

💛 Jackson Wang

💜 Mark Lee

2. What made you notice him?

💛 His laugh, sense of humor and energy! It was contagious and I couldn’t help just OwO at him in every video lololol

💜 Lmao we have the exact same birthday so I was like omg yes finally someone I can relate to. So I looked up his profile and noticed we were basically the same person and was shook O.o

3. What’s your favorite thing about him?

💛 His heart of gold (aha get the emoji reference yeeeah i did that).He’s honestly such a kind and generous person and sjkglsgfdkjf he makes me cry. Like when I see him helping others or taking care of his members or his family especially, my heart skips a beat. He’s my ideal type tbh, as cringey as that sounds. Here’s an excerpt from a letter to my bias thing I have in my drafts cx

“Ideal types may be just a charade to some, but ultimately you are everything I want in a partner. Your kindness and generosity is one of my favourite things about you and is hugely underappreciated by others. How you always go out of your way to help others, be it strangers or loved ones, is so inspiring. You truly have a heart of gold and I feel like it isn’t said enough. Yes, you are fucking gorgeous and a huge idiot but its the kind soul underneath that I love most.”

💜 That he makes me feel more confident and loving towards myself <3

“I’ve always been the black sheep, odd one out, and I still struggle with finding others I can relate to. When I was in school I was friendly with everyone but with my friends I wasn’t really considered part of the group. I didn’t fit.  I was an afterthought, an outsider. I’m in college now and while I do feel a sense of belonging with my new friends, with you I feel not just that but a sense of understanding, a sense of empathy NCT 2018. Since the very first day, I settled on biasing you for these probably selfish reasons alone. I was a kid back then, we both were. And now that we are barely considered adults, I am still following you. But my initial fascination has become much deeper than just that. The more I’ve fallen in love with you, the more I’ve begun to love myself also. You show and teach me things I’ve discredited or put down about about myself. The more interest I showed in you and your group, the more similar I realised we are. From our attitude, ethic, gestures, sense of humor and way of speaking, it became apparent to me that I had finally found someone. Someone who makes me feel like it’s okay to be who I am, because I am not alone. What I perceived as flaws in myself, I saw as endearing in you.”

*pukes from cringe at myself* I am never going to post the full thing

4. Who would initiate skinship more?

💛 HIM WITHOUT A DOUBT. He’s a touchy baby. Tbh it would probably piss me off slightly, like I’m just being honest ahaha. I don’t mind people touching my thigh or my arm for a second but he’s the type to just touch and then stay there lol

💜 Him too, I think. I’ve noticed he’s become a bit more touchy with the members recently! I’m not very touchy but if someone is more chill about it and doesn’t feel like its necessary or has to be like all the fucking time, then I’m more inclined to actually engage in it surprise surprise.

5. Who would hog the blankets more?

💛 I would say him but then I remember him saying he gets really hot at night (it was in one of those GOT2Days with JB lol). I get hot too so he can hog them if he wants cx

💜 He’s pretty chill, like so long as he has his pillow to hug then I don’t think he would mind much. I would insist on covering him up still though. I’m not a hogger at all, in fact usually I end up with literally half/no blanket in the morning because I’ve kicked it off at some point

6. Who would be more clingy?

💛 HIM. I honestly don’t think I need to explain XD

💜 Oooh tough question. I feel like it could be him? I would be more clingy on the inside, if that makes sense?

7. Who would say I love you first?

💛 I think it would be me but just as like a casual thing like, “Ahh you’re lucky I love you”. But he would take it serious and be like “...I love you too”. And then I’d get all giggly and embarrassed because that’s all I ever do T-T

💜 Maybe me? Idk like it would a kind of ‘in the moment’ thing? I’d be thinking it but I wouldn’t say it until I realised I actually had. I’ve done this before ;-;

8. Who would be more easily flustered?

💛 Me!!!! I bet that would be his favourite thing to do too. He’s such a little shit like he’d be all “Aww is someone all blushy?” and then make me even worse and kjdsgfldfmdsfg I would lowkey enjoy it tbh XD

💜 I think him actually! I wouldn’t be over-the-top romantic or cheesy so if I ever did something, it would catch him by surprise and make him uwu haha. I’m not the best at speaking my thoughts but I would write lots of poems and songs for him and I think that would make him get all flustered since he likes writing too c:

9. What cuddling position would you two have?

💛 Aww I honestly love backhugs so anything where I could just wrap my arms around him and lie against his back. The big spoon! But I feel like he would give the best hugs so like sitting in his lap with his arms around me and djkfhdjfhj fuck this shit I’m out T-T

💜 We’re both quite childish and awkward when it comes to cuddling so I feel like it would be just playwrestling and then forgetting that we’re supposed to wrestle so we just lie in a big tangle on top of each other ;-;

10. Which colors remind you of them and why?

💛 Yellow because his blonde hair is beautiful, plus he’s so bright and cheerful like the colour itself  ^-^

💜 Pink! He looks adorable in pink plus he’s mentioned the colour a few times on broadcasts and stuff so I feel like he has a fondness for it~

11. Which season would you like to spend with them?

💛 Summer because he’s probably be sleeveless all the time or even shirtless... ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I have no shame ahahaha

💜 Winter because I think if it was snowing, it would remind him of his home and then it would be cute af and we’d have a snowball fight and hot chocolate after <3

12. Who would bake the cookies and who would steal the batter?

💛 Tbh we’d bake and steal it together XD

💜 I think he would try so hard not to fuck the baking up but I’d tempt him into stealing the batter with me cx

13. Which one of you would make bad puns and how would the other react?

💛 Ohhh definitely me. And he’d either scream with laughter or just get pissed off oops. I’d just laugh even more though lmao

💜 We share the same sense of humor so it would be kinda mutual! I’d make a shitty pun and he makes an even worse one on top of that and then we end up getting into a spiral of awful puns and rhymes and before you know it we’ve written possibly the worst rap of all time

14. Who would want to adopt 50 dogs and cats?

💛 Me. I don’t want kids but I’m g with furbabies. 50 is a bit much though XD

💜 ^^^

15. Which one of you would nearly burn down the kitchen trying to microwave a pop tart and who would come to the rescue?

💛 I’d be the dumbass burning down the kitchen, no questions asked. He’d be having a heart attack and be screaming, like I can actually hear his scream right now just picturing it XD

💜 Oh dear, again it would probably be mutual... >.<

16. Who likes to lean over trail railings and who pulls them back?

💛 I’m really protective so I’d help steady him and make sure he doesn’t fall because we know how excited he gets XD

💜 ^^^ But I have seen him holding the members and looking out for their safety in general, so I think it would be him in this case actually~

17. What would watching a horror film with them be like?

💛 “This isn’t even scary. Like look, nothing is happening. Stop hiding behind the cushion, Niamh.” “THE MOTHERFUCKER IS RIGHT ON THE SCREEN, YOU LIAR. I HATE YOU.”

💜 “If you get scared, you can hold onto me” .“You mean, cuddle you because you’re scared, right?”. “Ah...yes, Niamh. Thanks.”

18. Who would be the cheesy flirt and who would be the smooth flirt?

💛 He’d be sooooo cheesy, like to the point where its not even flirting but just straight up cringey. I don’t flirt often but when I do, its like wow I see what you did there. But I’d get embarrassed around him so it would be less smooth and more stuttery unless I got a sudden burst of confidence. He would have no shame flirting though, like he legit would be the type to say “Omg damn girl, that ass” and I’d slap him XD

💜 Eww he’d be cheesy like he’d be walking around and see something and try make it a rap like in the LA vlog lmao. Something really dumb like “You’re so pretty, those flowers don’t compare because you have a cute face and nice hair” and I’d just be like “uhhh....thanks?” and burst out laughing and blushing out of secondhand embarrassment XD

19. Who is more competitive?

💛 We’re both so competitive but I think with his history in sporting competitions (whereas I was too shy to do them T-T), it would give him just a bit more. I’d always encourage him though, like I’d love seeing him try his best and would always ask if there was anything I could do to help. But if it came to games, I don’t take the “I let you win” excuse cx

💜 Me? I take my passions very seriously and throw myself into what I do, like I get VERY into my work. I was v competitive in debating and any time I hear the word challenge, its like yasss bring it on bish. Mark is competitive too but I think he’d prefer taking a support role. He’s so encouraging of his members and I honestly need a little cheerleader like him in my life ;-;

20. Who would be given constant reminders? (Don’t forget your keys, things like that)

💛 As much of a nagger I can be, I feel like he is the type to do this even at random moments. Like we’d be chilling together and then he’ll just say out of nowhere, “Did you eat lunch btw? I’m going to make you lunch”. He wouldn’t listen to any bullshit. He’d take care of me whether I liked it or not haha

💜 Hhmm kinda mutual here but for different things, if that makes sense? Like he’d be telling me to “take your meds and vitamins, bring a jacket, text when you get there”, etc. I’d be like “take a break for a few minutes, I’ll be there soon with some food”, etc, I need reminders for taking care of myself but I give reminders for others to take care of themselves lol

21. Who sends memes and who sends cute ‘i miss you’ texts at 3am?

💛 He’s the sappy bitch with “I miss you” texts haha and being the idiot I am, I would send him memes of himself in response XD

💜 Honestly, unless he was maybe drunk I think it would be me. Like it would very out of the blue and probably make him panic a bit oops. He’d write a long ass ride message in response though because he’d be so worried ^^’

This was very soft and cringey ahaha but I’m going to tag @jaexmins @cosmicrailwaybisexual @happysmilebtr @kikitsaaa @nctdoingthings @castielsinwhite @thefroghyungwon @seulgii-princess and if anyone else wants to do it then just say I tagged you XD