#i have breathed properly in weeks
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My resume isn't good enough for a 3rd shift grocery store stocker
#stfusanta#what the hell am i doing#i was head of sales#and a manager#this one emt course is going to use all of my money and i cant get a damn part time job#idk what im going to do#i have breathed properly in weeks
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Honeymoon Tour: Palmorae Beach
#Miphlink#Mipha#Link#BotW Link#Breath of the Wild#BotW#Age of Calamity#HW AoC#Legend of Zelda#LoZ#BotW Fanart#AoC Fanart#Loz Fanart#Art#My Art#Honeymoon Across Hyrule#This was originally gonna be “Lurelin Village”#But I felt that it didn't really properly represent Lurelin#But I am writing down your guys' suggestions#and inbetween Miphlink Week prepping I wanna work on more!#Thanks to all of you who have suggested something
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this is probably off topic but like i was rereading sea glass gardens & i was just giggling at the fact that kamo (the good one ofc not the one who took back shots for the greater evil) is just…obsessed with getting this middle school delinquent approval & MEGUMI JUST NOT REMEMBERING HIS NAME???
like imagine dedicating your spare time to impress the adopted child of the strongest who is also the zenin’s heir (if gojo fucking goes crazy or kicks the bucket) who is also the ten shadows user, trying to compliment him, hyping up his skills by saying he has more potential than the current zenin head, only for him to not know your name 😭. & the fact he apologized for it? i’m cacklingggg. you truly embraced megumi’s silent menace tendencies. tbh i was so convinced that kamo had a crush on megumi & was just flirting with him for the whole exchange event 😭.
(also maki’s little story of her interaction with megumi in their childhood? i cried a little. like the fact megumi being a menace to naoya & the clan & taking mai away was like mai’s happiest memory? i really can’t wait to see mai’s appearance here)
also i can’t believe megumi is half dead & blind & he’s already known as “yuuta’s boy”. this is giving when you’re a high school senior & you just forcibly take a underclassmen under your wing & everyone just calls that underclassmen your school kid.
like imagine in a happier universe where shibuya didn’t happen & yuuta pops tf out & introduces himself to the first years. imagine the hilarity of nobara & yuuji trying to figure out how tf yuuta is able to cling onto megs, tease him, & knows little details about him without getting his head chewed off 😭.
honestly..yuuta’s unhealthy platonic feelings about megs makes me wonder gojo’s reaction bc i imagine him being so insufferable like he just assumes that “omg my distant relative have a crush on my emotional support child”
ANYWAYS I LOVE YOUR STORY !! i can’t wait for the next update, your writing is literally so beautiful that i have to re read it multiple times to take everything in (i’m kinda slow). it’s gotten to the point where i accepted your fic as canon 😭. i promise you in a few months your fic is gonna be known as THE JJK FIC. i’m manifesting it. <3
So I’m never gonna get there in the fic because sea glass gardens cuts off pre season 1, but I like to headcanon that Yuuta desperately wants yuuji to like him (he’s megumis friend and also Yuuta feels an obligation to look out for him because they were both sentenced to death) but yuuji is just NOT having it because he’s the one person in the world that yuuji feels almost seething jealousy for. He is not a jealous person. He has never been a jealous person. But Yuuta is living his perfect life, which is a fact that Yuuta would be surprised to learn, because he is not living anyone’s perfect life. From yuujis perspective, Yuuta is:
Inexplicably close to Megumi. Megumi is somehow his boy. Yuuji didn’t think Megumi would tolerate being anyone’s boy.
(He doesn’t tolerate it it’s somehow the best and worst kept secret in the school. Everyone knows Megumi is Yuuta’s boy except for Megumi himself. Megumi insists Yuuta’s like this with everyone while panda silently shakes his head where Megumi can’t see him.)
He’s got some kind of secret history with Megumi that no one will talk about (since I imagine that the second years would legitimately keep their word and not talk about what the Zenin did to him behind his back) but whatever it is it makes Megumi trust and rely on him more than anyone else??? How is the son of a bitch doing it???
He was also sentenced to death but got it suspended and like. Yeah. Yuuji would like to live that dream existence.
The fucking legally adopted child of Nanamin??? How?????
It’s a lot of
Yuuji, glaring at him angrily from across the room: he’s the perfect man
Nobara: why do you say that like you’re mad
Yuuji: why am I not him!!!
Yuuta’s just. Despondent. He wanted yuuji to like him so so bad.
Considering canon Megumi didn’t tell them he had an entire sister until they were at his old school and people were asking after her, I doubt that even waterboarding could get out of him “yeah so I met the second years when my bio family violated the no contact protocol that started because of how dangerously abusive they were and basically tortured me for a week, up to the point of my Actual Death. I was blind for a while. I guess okkotsu senpais protective of me because when we first met he Literally Had To Restart My Heart and Lungs. Also we held hands multiple times in the immediate aftermath.” So I think Yuuji and Nobara would be aware that there’s something weird about how Yuuta and Megumi met but have absolutely no idea what that weird thing is.
(Panda: look it’s really not weird how protective Yuuta is of Megumi considering all that Megumi was going through when they first met
Nobara: What was Megumi going through when they first met
Panda:
Nobara:
Panda: I’ve said too much.)
I have a serious reading of Kamo and a self indulgent reading of Kamo and a Kamo that’s somewhere in the middle.
The serious reading of Kamo is that Kamo was a kid who grew up in a bad situation with very little control over his own life and saw Megumi as the one who could possibly understand him. They both were born outside of their clans but their inherited technique had the ability to elevate them to clan heir. He persisted in trying to compliment him and form common grounds with him out of isolation and a desire for someone to understand his lot in life. Megumi, meanwhile, would see Kamo as exactly who he doesn’t want to become. Kamo has accepted his place in his clan; megumi is violently rejecting it. He doesn’t want to be the same as Kamo because he doesn’t want to be anywhere near the Zenin clan.
The thing is that out of all the characters, Kamo’s really the best one we have to kind of represent the more common views of the jujutsu world. like, he very consistently is shown to be able to make his own assessments about what judgment call the higher ups and the wider jujutsu elite are going to make or expect, and part of it is his desire to fulfill his role as kamo clan heir. And Kamo? Accepts out of hand that Megumi is going to be formally brought into the Zenin clan once he graduates.
Like, he's in the fight during the goodwill event, and he's just like "yeah so when we both graduate we'll both be working to support a major clan in the jujutsu world" and megumi's like "the hell are you talking about. i'm going to kill you with this elephant."
It is probably a common expectation that gojo keeping Megumi from the Zenin clan is not going to stretch into perpetuity. Like. Right now, megumi is a minor. Gojo very easily can control who has access to him. When he’s an adult working in the society, the same trick of preventing all contact isn’t gonna work. Those are his coworkers now. They’re going to get more and more opportunities to bring him back into the fold. The Zenin are just playing a waiting game to get Megumi back and everyone sort of has just accepted that fact.
Kamo is what the Zenin clan expect Megumi to one day be for them, and I think it puts Megumi a bit at odds with him. Megumi has no interest in living the way Kamo does, and a little internalized fear about it happening anyway. Refusing the Zenin clan is the only control he’s ever really exerted over his life and future. He never got to pick being a jujutsu sorcerer, but he chose not to go with them. All of kamos priorities and mindset remind Megumi of all the things he’s messed up about, and it sets them at odds.
The self indulgent reading is that Kamo had a huge crush on Megumi and spent the entire goodwill event trying to execute his four year long plan towards holding his hand only to be thwarted by the fact that Megumi was completely dazzled by a himbo he knew for less than two weeks three months ago.
And the reading above is just the serious reading with the added fact that Kamo also had a huge crush on Megumi.
The thing with Mai partially came from something that Gege apparently released as background lore. In the goodwill event, Mai says that she never told maki when she had her first love, and i was like "that's weirdly specific, I wonder who that is" and then I googled it, and the answer was apparently either Megumi or Maki herself, and I said, "Huh, I Don't Like That" and decided we weren't doing that.
Now, to be clear, I do get making that decision on a level as a writer. Like, the Zenin clan is enormously fucked up and explicitly practices intermarriage. That is the kind of thing where you may include it because it's so fucked up and perfectly exemplifies how fucked up it is. a clan that explicitly is practicing incest is going to heavily skew how relationships amongst family members develop and form and it's going to be a fucked up dynamic amongst closely related people.
But also I Don't Like It And We're Not Doing That.
I did like the idea of Megumi and Maki occupying a somewhat similar place in Mai's mind. Like, Maki is in a league of her own, there's too much history there for anyone to come close to her in a relationship, but Mai's fondest memories of Maki were specifically with Maki occupying a sort of companion and protector role. Maki was in the same "level" as mai. They were both vulnerable kids in a bad situation who were looked down on by their family. They were both fast tracked to be servants. But Maki was the brave one, the capable one, the one who guided her when she was afraid and promised to always be there, and that's where a lot of mai's complex emotions around maki come from: mai was afraid and maki was strong and maki was there to hold her hand, and then suddenly she wasn't anymore.
Once I put Megumi in the Zenin compound as a little kid (since it's unclear what contact Megumi had with his bio family pre-season 1 and how extensive it was), I knew that 1) the zenin would not be putting him anywhere near Mai and Maki, and 2) that I wanted them to have met anyway.
So I liked the idea of Maki and Megumi occupying similar spaces in mai's mind because they both had briefly been viewed by Mai as companions and protectors. Megumi's contact with Mai was way more limited than Maki's was, but Megumi sort of swept into her life at a time where Mai really did need it most.
Mai would have been right at the age where most kids get their technique, if they get any at all, and we can sort of assume that mai may have figured out what hers was late if Maki didn't know about it. She just failed to get the ten shadows technique, and was a freshly confirmed failure in terms of power. She was just feeling the sting of her family's rejection, and Megumi, meanwhile, was the one who was supposed to be the most special and blessed of them all.
And he was the only one who didn't reject her out of hand, other than her sister. He stuck his own neck out to protect her. They all played together. There's not a lot of good memories than any of the three of them have on the Zenin compound, but I think that all of them secretly thought of that day as one of the best they can remember from childhood.
And it sort of was a huge deal for Mai. Everyone was treating her like she was dirt under their heel, but there was Megumi, the presumptive heir to the clan, the Ten Shadows himself, and he played with her. He was her friend. I think that would have been kind of a landmark moment for little mai. not only is that the acceptance and kindness she desperately needed, but I think it was also sort of source of hope for her that she could have a place in the Zenin compound one day without it being utter garbage. Megumi was assumed to take over the entire clan one day, and he was kind to her. He was her friend. He didn't let Naoya treat her badly, when Naoya was the one who was likely going to be heir if Megumi hadn't inherited the ten shadows. Naoya was at the top of the food chain, but Megumi still stood up for her, even though her own parents wouldn't have. So maybe when he grew up and became clan head, he wouldn't let people mistreat her and maki anymore. They could all be happy together, and Mai couldn't imagine a future where she and maki got to be happy before. Even though the clan leadership cracked down pretty hard on them for that stunt, it didn't make a dent in how overwhelmingly happy it made her.
Megumi going no contact probably would have been a huge blow, especially considering her age. She lost her hope and her only friend who wasn't her sister in one fell swoop, and she really was too young to have the tools to understand just how much Megumi needed to be kept away from her family for his own safety.
Mai, back then, was living in such a warped life that she didn't really realize how bad her family was, especially to Megumi. and that's not so much a comment as to how bad it was for her there versus him, but more that she had very little context as to what his life there was like. she was never supposed to meet him. She mostly heard about him secondhand, and that's all being filtered through the zenin's unique. All she ever heard was about how the ten shadows had finally been reborn, and how the clan was blessed for it, and how upset they all were that they had to give him back to gojo. No one even wanted her. Megumi seemed like he was living a much better life than anyone at the zenin compound could expect, so what cause would gojo have to take him away?
She was just a little girl who didn't really have friends other than her sister and him. She wanted to play with him again. She didn't understand much outside of that.
Of course, she's had time to grow up and kind of put her memories of the past in a more reasoned context. Maki came to the conclusion that Megumi probably didn't have the best time there a while ago, and this incident has really put it into perspective for her that he must have cut off the zenin because they were dangerously abusive towards him. Like, she mostly never saw him, but she has a lot of memories of him 1) being hauled out of a training room unconscious 2) being on sixteen hour days at the age of six, and 3) being violently unhappy whenever he was in the compound. Mai, to a lesser extent, likely has a similar awareness that he didn't go no contact for shits and giggles, it was because her family's fucking bonkers and abused him badly enough for gojo to pull the plug. of course, how that's shaped mai's mindset towards megumi now is still yet to be seen.
I know what it is, of course. it is seen for me. you all have yet to see it.
Gojo can and will make his own existence everyone else's problem and yuuta is sooo right to not want him to know. like. he wouldn't kick yuuta's ass. but that doesn't mean he'd be good about it.
I'm so glad you like the story! thank you for your kind words!!!
#sea glass gardens#I have this entire self indulgent continuation that's just yuuta breathing into a paperbag in africa about what the fuck is going on#he keeps trying to confiscate the first years to africa with him#like mostly megumi#megumi is his boy#but he LOVES that megumi has friends like he WANTED megumi to find what he had in his class he adores nobara and yuuji#whoever the fuck they are#he doesn't want to take megumi from his friends so he will simply take all of them#look obviously the others tried their best but they failed and lost the privilege okay the first years just need to come to africa where he#can take care of them properly#yuuta was locked and fucking loaded to be the world's greatest senpai only to get kneecapped with a study abroad trip#the other second years have to play rock paper scissors to decide who has to tell yuuta that megumi fought fucking sukuna twice within two#weeks of the first day of school. /sukuna/. sukuna hasn't been a problem for a thousand years and megumi has fought him TWICE.#he was shirtless both times. literally no one wants to be the one to tell yuuta they are all so afraid.#all yuuji and nobara know about him is that everyone talks about him wistfully and he keeps trying to confiscate them to africa#Maki: look you have to understand that yuuta loves his boy#Panda: he fucking loves his boy#nobara: and we may have to... go to africa about that#maki: you very well may#yuuji tries to ask megumi why they call him yuuta's boy and inumaki jumps out a 3rd floor window to tackle him because he still doesn't kno#i have this crack au in my head where Yuuta figures out teleportation during the goodwill event bc he can't take waiting to find out#if everyone's alive. the first thing he does is save his friends the second he does is hug them the third he does is hit them very hard#yuuta: you promised me you would take care of him!#Panda: we did!#Yuuta: why are there ROOTS in him#Panda sweating: look the thing is--TODO was the one who punted him through a wall for not being an ass man#maki had to sit on inumaki to stop his homosexuality from telling yuuta about that one and she did it not out of love for todo but out of#her conviction that yuuta would murder todo and then feel guilty and then she'd have to /hear/ about it and that's too much effort#all that work gone to shit because panda needed someone to throw under the bus
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”oh you want to keep that? It’s so girly are you even trans?”
(Rant in tags if you wanna read it ig)
#Mom yelled at me bc I wanted to keep a dress that had memories attached to it#I hate dresses but look.#It has a stain on it where my friend who moved far away dropped some paint on it where my thigh would be#It has a loose string tied sloppily into a flower from a friend who had issues speaking her feelings and instead acted them#It has discoloured patches from my old friend who I haven’t been able to talk to in months hugging me and her bracelets rubbing against it#It has memories attached to it#Just like how my purple coat does#I always have a bag of mint tea in it because a while back somebody got me a huge pack of it during a secret Santa because they noticed -#- i had a stuffy nose during the winter due to allergy’s and often couldn’t breathe properly#I have thousand of sticky notes of a made up language somebody in my class made and wanted me to be in#Hell even my shoes show this sorts of stuff.#My converse that I wore for so long the laces tore? They’re covered in writing from my friend who’s a poet at heart#My big#chunky platforms? Filled with sparkles and dust from a party my friend had#For crying out loud soon I’m gonna be filling my room with Sanrio and feather stickers#Because everytime my ex gf sees me (we’re still friends btw) she always manages to put a sticker somewhere on me#MY SKETCHBOOKS TOO. Full of little doodles and hearts and paint splatters and everything you can think of.#My notebooks for writing? I forgot it a week i went off for surgery and I came back to it full of stories I liked and stores that had them-#For cheap because they knew my family wasn’t doing too well. And full of notes of them missing me#Seriously like I have a string on my wall full of notes from them because that’s been my pickmeup for whenever I’m not on here#It’s pathetic I know I just don’t care. I love them and I know they love me too. I hope they’re well
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vent moment but my health is a bit worse than i let on, which is weird ik since it seems like complain about it all the time here, and apparently i also look sick, because two separate people in their 40s or 50s asked me, 24, if i needed their seat on the bus. kind of them. but humiliating nonetheless.
#medical stuff cw#i sat on the steps instead of taking their seat#vent cw#i have to take five different pills a day excluding birth control which i also take for health reasons but okay#i have to thank italy for its healthcare system because at least i dont have to pay a fuckton for all that stuff. except birthcontrol.#as i may have mentioned they found quite a bit of blood in my piss so im getting tested for ✨️cancer✨️#also because i've been having health issues which might be rated#my blood work is all off but i didnt get tested for tumoral cells specifically because i may have 'just' an autoimmune condition#so im on heavy duty antibiotics too now bc i also developed antibiotic resistance last year. anyway.#i need to take those and then they'll test my peepee again but this time they will also test explicitly for tumoral cells#because something is off and my previous blood work didnt point out what exactly#terrible anemia and other slightly-off numbers that however shouldnt be off considering my lifestyle#i eat almost everything. drink plenty of water. exercise. barely smoke. not even drinking anymore. i'm not too fat nor too skinny.#so. some of the numbers that are off dont really have a reason to be off which is why they are testing my blood and piss for cancer#but like. in 3 weeks because i have to take antibiotics and iron meds (not supplements. meds.) first#so my mind's trying to convince itself that i dont have a tumor. but what if i do? i know i dont. but not knowing makes me go insane#also i have to get tested for heart disease because that motherfucker is not working properly. doesnt pump enough blood to my brain.#i took an ekg and it came back pretty normal except for tachycardia#now i have to go get an holter ekg - but was told to wait until uni starts again bc i need that exam to be done when i have a daily routine#so basically they slap electrodes and shit on me for 24 hrs while i go do my shit around the city and then see how my heart behaved#because i cant stand without struggling to breathe and sometimes it happens when in laying down to.#sometimes i cant fall asleep because i cant breathe#at first the doc thought it might be a reflux issue but not. all good on that front.#so. we'll see. and i mean. i KNOW it's not cancer. like. i'd be dead by now bc i've been having these symptoms for five months#however. i dont know if it's not an autoimmune disease. and if it is? what am i gonna do?
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accepted a job in october under the assumption it was remote bc it said it was. flash forward to now and it’s no longer remote and my manager is on my ass about not owning a car too. it’s crazy bc I really did think my financial situation was finally improving, I finally have health insurance, and I was this close to moving to my dream state of california. and now im days away from being fired. if I don’t quit first. the situation with my manager has become so dire that the only thing I can focus on is my job anxiety. I swear i’ve nearly had a heart attack every day since last week. the anxiety over when she’ll fire me or when she’ll find out I don’t live in the location the job is and how this job could’ve been ok if it weren’t for the fact they lied about the remoteness and how desperately afraid I am of her firing me is all consuming. I haven’t eaten in 2 days. I have isolated myself from everyone I love bc I can’t think, can’t focus on anything but how soul crushing and visceral the anxiety is, how it’s eating away at my stomach and my brain and my soul and I don’t know what to do
#if I continue at this job I think I will lose my sanity#only to eventually be fired#if I quit at least I can have some control over the all consuming anxiety#but then no job means no money and no insurance#and I was so close#so close to being able to move out and live in cali#everything hurts and I can’t breathe properly and haven’t been able to breathe or have a stomach that isn’t in knots for over a week#being unemployed wasn’t nearly this anxiety inducing#i’ll have to tuck tail and give up on my dreams of moving out if I quit#but I don’t see another option#I just I just truly hope that this coming job search will be more successful than last time#maybe I can find a retail job that has insurance#im so afraid#this is all my fault#I wish that I knew how to make the right decision
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Dog has a swollen lymph node. Just one for now. Which means her cancer is getting worse already. The longer this goes on, the more detached I feel from reality.
#I've been barely eating for over a week now and don't feel it#all the money i have is going towards her. i have enough body fat to survive without eating properly for a while.#but I'm just not hungry because nothing feels real right now#she's been breathing with more difficulty the past couple days too so i know the tumor on her tongue is getting larger#she's been whining so much too. like way more than she ever has.#and the prednisone has increased her appetite by so much that she's eating almost double what she normally would#she's skipped eating in the morning almost her whole life. don't know why. she's just a picky bitch like that.#but now she wants extra food in thd morning and snacks during the day and extra food at night#i was worried her food would go to waste after she died but goddamn#it definitely will be eaten plus some at this rate#she seems so normal. but i know she's getting worse every day and probably just doesn't want to bother me.#that's the worst thing about dogs. they don't want to bother you.#she's so opinionated when it comes to things she wants to eat or play with. but she's never let me know when she was in pain.#the only times she has are emergency vet visit times#like when my ex broke her tail and she kept putting her butt in my face to tell me shit was fucked up#or another time when her gut bacteria somehow got out of whack and she shat bright red blood all over my house#or when she broke a claw so bad it damaged the bone underneath#anything minor and i have to find it on my own#she's extra spoiled right now#i never tell her to stop unless she's doing something potentially dangerous#like yeah. let's sniff that same spot on the same bush you smell 8x a day for ten minutes girl.#you look hungry. have some peanuts or freetos or cotton candy.#you want snacks even though you just had snacks? bitch. have some more.#you want to sleep in my spot on the bed? thats ok. I'll go to the othef sidd where i don't have my cpap. get comfy.#i feel bad denying her anything when i know she only has a set amount of experiences left#there's a finite amount of sniffs she can snorf or food to be fed and i know it's pretty limited.#and then i get days like today where i don't even really start working until the time I'd normally be getting home#and that enrages me like little else can do because it's taking away from time with the only living thing that's real to me#except the longer i have knowing she's dying the less 'here' i feel. which makes her seem less real.#and i hate it. but i deny myself pain by pretending shit isn't real until it isn't. and then there's no more pain.
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Forcibly re-entering my Elevated Heart Rate While Mom Home Era😔
#my stuff#she’s been visiting the past week and last night/this morning she’s really been pissed about my partner#and it makes me not wanna go back to my apartment bc i don’t wanna deal with it#i just want her to go back and let me breathe and have my own space for a fucking minute#to at least cry and be properly upset about it without having to worry about her hearing#i can’t have anything even fractionally good without there being a fuckin asterisk the size of the moon huh
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in the trenches these days fr
#genuinely havent had this bad of a time mentally in so long im gonna lose ot#its like REALLY annoying this time esp bc i dont have the TIME !!!!! i need to do so many things and also a bunch of actual fun stuff#but im just like mentally???? idek???#for the past week ive felt like season 3 stiles when he couldnt tell if he was alseep or awake and he was like seeing things and losing it#like thats genuinely the only way i can describe it rn what the fuck is going ON#one of my best friends is coming to stay this wekeend and WE'RE BOOKED AND BUSY doing lots of high school reunions#and i was so excited but now im brain is messing it all up and im pissed i havent seen here properly in soooo long#there were just so many things i needed to get done before she gets here tomorrow evening but ive been wallowing in bed all week#WHATEVER ITS FINE i just wish the anxiety would settle so i could actually breathe and get shit done
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Guys, I have to say something.
HAJSJAHJAAJHJDJHAHJHAHAJJDKFKFKJDDDHJSAHJHHAJHAJJJVBHFVJDSNJAKLÖFJHVNMX NO MORE EXAMSSSSS YESYESYESYESYIPPIEJUHUUUHUHUHHUHUHUHUEBFHDJWDQBWHJSKYJKJAMANNENDLICHFERIEEEEEENNNN!!!!!!!!:))))))))))))
Thank you for listening me out. Have a nice day.
#finally#the last few weeks sucked#i can breathe again#no more panic because i have no time to sudy properly#no more nervousness because of an oral exam#no school to-do list anymore#hjkbkcajb#i'm free again#yes#yessss#yippie#damn it i'm so tired#but also giddy and just super happy#;))))))
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Feeling a bit better now :') xx
#I swear that agitated frustrated tension for no reason#is my villain origin story#still feeling quite dissatisfied with life but ehh so it goes - that's been pretty consistent over the years#At least I got a good workout done!#and I feel like I can breathe properly again lel#Hope you have had a nice start of the week#xx
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...
#woof. if all goes to plan Tomorrow is the last day i have to take measurements forever. if all goes to plan. if all goes to plan. but im#not holding my breath bc thats asking for chaos. i think this week ive done a good job of not pushing it#in terms of not torturing myself and making myself insane. which is good bc its exhausting taking measurements with the ambient stress of#apartment hunting from across the country. ive toured 2 places from afar and applied to them. and im meeting with someone to talk abt#potentially being roommates tomorrow. which is terrifying bc i really just wanna beg them like pls pls like me so i can stop looking pls#like i have to rely on my charisma i guess when im a bit asocial and odd. not unlikable but idk maybe they want someone more normie idk#its exhausting. ive sent so many emails and so many places r like no u gotta physically visit. ugh#and i have to clean my whole apartment by Tuesday for my landlord to inspect bc i had to give them a 30 day notice or else they wouldn't#release my info for like referal on background checks. there should b flexibility in when i can leave tho. its just stressful#at least im doing this when im pretty stable and i stop taking measurements tomorrow but i haven't taken a break since last Saturday#and haven't really had time to properly draw which annoys me and apparently i wont get a break this weekend with all the cleaning i gotta do#but oh well. at least im better off than the other person i kno who is moving Tuesday across the country and currently doesnt have a place#to stay. so i guess theyre gonna b living out of their car for a while. im stressed enough a month out from leaving#sigh. im just v tired and my heart is beating too fast and i wanna start cleaning now but im sleepy#whenever we go sampling we joke that we have to make sacrifices to the weather gods for good conditions. i guess i gotta make sacrifices#to the housing gods 🙏 ugh. pls. i dont wanna still b doing this for another week when i wont have time bc ill actually have to focus on#things. ugh. cant wait to b in the future where i dont have to deal with this#unrelated
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remind me to never ask ppl in college for favors ever again jessusssss...
#so i missed a week about two weeks ago bc i was knocked on my ass by an illness that literally... sent me to the emergency room for-#breathing treatments#and i emailed one of my professors asking for some info on like... what i missed and he simply never responded and then when he did he-#didn't answer my questions properly#so i asked my groupmates 'hello did i miss anything last week that i have to know about for when i come back?'#and they said 'no you didn't.. don't even worry'#and i was like COOL! DOPE!#come to find out today. my first day back in class#(we went on a field trip last week so we weren't in the classroom)#they text in the groupchat talking about a GROUP PROJECT??? TODAY???#DUE TONIGHT OR WEDNESDAY????#and so i ask 'uh hey... group project? since when?"#and they said 'oh yeah.. during the week you missed he assigned us groups and we have to make a still life collaboratively-#it's due either tonight or wednesday depending on what groups need more time'#like JESUS. that would have BEEN NICE TO KNOW????????? LIKE???? WAAAAYYYYYY EARLIER??? WHAT THE FUCK 😭😭😭#and my prof didn't PUT THAT SHIT ON CANVAS EITHER
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#nini’s nonsense#sometimes i think about the fact that people around me. even the ones closest to me. know so little of me. because i have a cousin who#recently told me she has a gf and she’s bi and was like. yeah i didn’t think you’d judge but you also never know yk. and i mean. i do know.#better than anyone in our fam probs. but also. it just put into perspective how little they’ll all ever know me because ofc my sexuality is#not who i am at all but it’s such a big part of me as well and the fact that no one irl knows and no one will probs ever know. sigh#it’s an exhausting thought tbh#but i come from such a religious family i don’t ever see it going well. and on the other hand i have made the agreement with myself that i#won’t ever date girls anyway. so yeah. idk. sigh sigh cry cry etc etc#and also. i had a wedding this week and weddings always make me realize i’ll probs never have one of my own. for so many reasons. and on one#hand i am happy but on the other hand the want is there and i know it’ll probs never be fulfilled because i would be a terrible partner#and yeah. idk the passing of time is just fucking me up a bit i guess. it’ll hopefully pass soon.#i really need to properly write about all this. maybe then i’ll finally be able to breathe again.#ANYWAYS. so happy my bby told me so happy for her they’re THE CUTEST omg
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Breathing is a privilege I clearly don't have
#for a week it's felt like I can't breathe properly#im so tired of being sick#i dont have a fever#but i cant smell or taste#and it feels like i cant breathe#i just want to be healthy again
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Felt gross as hell but then I cried about it and prayed and went for a walk and now I feel better 👍
#selfcare
#this is glib but I forget how much I need to go on my silly little walk#I thought the only purpose was to be outside and I’m outside on the way to work#but actually it’s to have time to think and breathe without doing stuff#and I felt that benefit today#and I said hi to god :-)#and I cried which was lovely#I don’t usually properly cry like ever; but if I listen to sad music I can get myself going and it’s really healing#I’ve had that like choking on sobs cause you cry every time you try to breathe crying twice in my whole life; once when my s/o was leaving#for school again and in the shower the night before they left I cried about it#and the other when I was in residence still a few weeks after I came out of the psychosis and was being eaten alive by guilt and just broke#down with the grief of it#also in the shower. my s/o always cries doing dishes and I always cry in the shower lol#but it was actually so healing to cry that second time; I felt like I really wrenched out some of the sadness with it#anyway. episode ? of anne treats tumblr like her diary#anne speaks#but this post is mainly to remind myself to go for walks and chill more often#but today I need to sleep! that’s my main goal for tonight
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