#i have been on hrt for a year
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the movie did such a good job at putting me in isabel/owens shoes honestly because i was looking at tara/maddys monologue scene through a lens of just not letting go of nostalgia so i was like 'oh my god do not get in that hole in the ground. this is crazy' but then two minutes later with hindsight i Understood and was like 'NO YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN IN THE HOLE IN THE GROUND GO BACK'
#thats how you know its a good metaphor because this was also exactly my cycle with hrt for like 6 straight years#'oh my god you cant get on testosterone right now theres all this. it would be crazy'#*2 years later* oh my god why didnt i start hrt back then that was so stupid. it would have been so easy. i cant do it now of course.#*2 years later* oh my god why didnt i start hrt back then it would have been so ea#avpost#movie diary#i saw the tv glow#but hey anyway i DID start hrt its not too late etc etc. please god go bury yourself in that hole in the ground right now.
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#kirby#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#food#starting a new med tomorrow#it's an injection and eventually I'll be allowed to do it at home (or get my friend to do it for me :v )#but for the first couple doses I have to go into the clinic in case it tries to kill me ✌️#(disambiguation: I have a chronic immune disorder that's been out of control for the past couple years)#(I know the most common context most of us have is probably hrt so I figured I should clarify)#anyway if I don't draw tomorrow night for the first time in uhhhhh over 6 years you know why I guess lol
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trying to not doom and gloom abt it but hey do any transmascs in like red states (or any state while dipshit idiot fanta orange was president, able to START T at all, like were you able to still get any kind of trans healthcare or hrt during that reign of terror like if so HOW 😭 id like to go on T like sometime inthe next two year or so but i wantto know if like. anyone has tips of how to get the process started esp ifyou dont have health insurance 😬
#trans healthcare#help sgsjgs#ineed to focus on HOW to get it realistically started so ixan avoid falling into DESPAIR shsjgs#ive been doing research onthis online for YEARS dreaming of starting T butlike#yk i dont have the space yet or the moneyyy..#i WILL though like hopefully ill get my diving thing going butlike#yeah if anyone whos navigated trans healthcare during that dipshits reign of terror before pleaseee letme know anything#im sure itslike still POSSIBLE for me to do hrt just. going to be Extremely Difficult#oh well#we atay balling we dont give up hope!!
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#meme#homemade memes#cw dysphoria#trans#bones are stupid#cw dysphoria venting#waiting out current phase of transition changes to happen#(cause I got my dose raised again in april & am waiting for my next two surgeries & continuing tryna build muscle 😔)#hoping it'll get to a point eventually where the affirming bits are overpowering enough to ppl's perception#that I can dress the bits I can't change (like hips) in things that suit them#and do the whole embracing looking trans thing without worrying abt the misgendering#but alas I won't believe in my body's ability to do that until I see it#seeing as I still get lady-ed & unquestioningly she/her-ed 5 years into HRT + post two highly visible surgeries#+ fully dressed in men's clothes + sporting the shortest hair I've ever had -.-#cis ppl learn what transmascs look like & what that means for words you use on them challenge 2024- difficulty level: impossible apparently#I've had several ppl in the last few months that I literally TOLD I am trans/'it's he/him'/was clocked as trans by#who then STILL proceeded to misgender me anyway???#like what more can I do than literally straight up tell you????#I told a clinician who was looking at my knee the other month that I was trans (cause they always ask abt all meds n diagnoses)#and he misgendered me as a trans woman on his report like-#sir I am 5'4" and have a flat chest baby face and facial hair#and I was telling you abt how I've been on HRT for years and have had several Transgender Surgeries#you're a bone doctor you know how bones work and what their limitations are and you have functionning eyes#you should be able to put 2 and 2 together abt how this works even if you've never met a trans person holy fuck#(I wrote a complaint and they amended the report and sent me an apology meanwhile but still like- buddy wtf)
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My hot take is that the term "egg" should be a self identifying label (ex: back when I was an egg)
only and not used in other people because you don't know their gender identity or how they'll develop as a person
It's so weird and uncomfortable when people proudly call others an egg as if it's a game instead of letting people express themselves in a way without the public trying to nail down their "real gender"
#its weird!#idc man#im trans and have been on hrt for 4 years#with surgery#and if i dressed gnc n got mistaken for “an egg” id be pissed#personal
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Looked in the mirror just now, realized I can't even *make* myself see the boy anymore. I made it, and I'm beautiful, I'm me. It feels... awesome.
#I'm not even done yet#I'm just getting started#I've only been on HRT for a year#and I still have so much more to learn about myself#it doesn't feel overwhelming now though#there's promise#and wonder#I know I'm going to be okay#no one can take this away from me#no matter what happens next#post#trans#transfem#positivity#196#personal
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Fuck I hate being an adult. I need a more adult adult to help with the volatile emotional situation.
#I've sort of made a new friend? Like we met at the same art group and he's also trans which was like pleasantly surprising in our small town#but like. We have Differences Of Opinion#and it's not totally his fault because it sounds like he's had a Lot of bad shit in his past that's obviously made him wary and closed off#but like. He's slightly older than me (only 4 years) and keeps blaming a load of his problems on other trans folks?#like you know the type. The like 'all these nonbinary/other identities the kids are doing are complicating shit'#the 'it hurts to see people younger than me inc. kids get hormones thrown at them when I still can't get 'em' (which... yeah not even true)#and he's told me himself he doesn't engage much with the queer community bc it's too 'toxic'#and like. I can absolutely understand why he could've had some bad experiences esp. since he has some mental health shit going on#but he wants to be friends bc he doesn't know anyone else going through the medical shit and it's like. Yeah no shit you don't?#you decided the community you'd find them in is toxic? and that people in them are doing being trans wrong?#and I think if he was just some guy online I'd like roll my eyes and ignore him#but he's a real person in my vicinity and I feel fucking bad for him#and I can see how much self loathing he has and how much that probably informs the bullshit#like he told me he thinks that trans men and cis men are fundamentally different categories and trans men will never be cis men#but not in a 'the experiences are just different and come with different perspectives way'#in like a self defeating way. Like a I just have to settle for being a trans man way.#and it made me SO SAD#like bro#I'm so sorry for whoever the fuck made you feel like you're fighting an unwinnable battle#and I want to be a friend to him. I want him to feel like there's other queer people out there and there's friends and hope#but also I genuinely could see him being the kind of person who would get really angry at you for no fault of your own#like I already get the distinct feeling he resents me a little#like obviously not too much since he still wants to hang#but he's been trying and failing to get HRT for years and I got it super quickly basically by sheer luck/a doctor who looks out for me#like I'm so fucking lucky. And I just genuinely feel like he's the kind of person who might take that personally.#I just do not think I have the fucking. Emotional tool kit to salvage this shit#But I also can't exactly text him and say sorry I don't think we should hang out so. What do.#.....I wasn't even LOOKING for a new friend! I have enough friends!!! I wanted to make clay faces and look at pretty buildings dammit!!!#now I have to be the emotionally mature one who goes hmmm maybe let's not blame other depressed trans kids for our problems buddy#I'm just gonna have to be like. Upfront about my stance and if he doesn't like it well he doesn't have to hang out with me
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another little update:
I finally got injections covered by insurance 🥹😭
#i started hrt almost five years ago#have been trying to get injections for four#finally got them prescribed but have been trying to get them covered for two and a half years#ahhhhhhhh
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my special skill is that i'm not afraid of emails. in fact i vastly prefer sending emails because i can do it whenever i have time... the alternative is usually making phone calls, and the phone call times are pretty much always work hours at work days, AKA the SAME TIME AS WHEN I'M AT SCHOOL!!!! this really sucks if the only time i have the opportunity to sit down and do Important Paperwork Stuff is the weekend or the evenings!!! Let Me Send A Written Message Please Please Please
#banging my head againt the wall#hi i found out that due to my address being set in sweden i can't Do Things through the norwegian healthcare portal#i can read messages and documents but i can't contact anyone or send in forms. great!!! great!!!!!!! i didn't know this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#it's fine i'll just make the phonecalls but i wish i could get it over with NOW#i already feel bad for not doing any of this stuff in the past two days but ive been so completely depleted#im sure ill manage to solve this in time i just hate having things hanging over me#ALL OF THIS COULDVE BEEN AVOIDED IF IT HADN'T TAKEN THREE FUCKING YEARS TO BE GRANTED HRT#'of course there won't be any problems if you move to sweden :)' They Lied To Me#also this is a vent post please do not give me unsolicited advice thank you
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I feel numb and angry and deeply, deeply sad. how can so many people be so blind and stupid and hateful? it genuinely makes me lose my trust in the people I see passing by me. and I don't want it to but so many more people came out to support such a vile excuse of a human shell. it's so hard to know that so many people picked their desire, their fleeting hope of touching power and wealth over the well being of millions. at least they will burn with us when he razes the economy
#[static]#there is so much wrong but I am very very grateful that I live in the state that I do and the person elected has been a thorn in his side#I just got my hrt appointment booked and hopefully they give me a year prescription so i dont have to think about that for awhile#i am just so scared for so many people in other states ... loved ones ... community members...people i dont know who will suffer needlessly#I'll likely be relatively quiet because everything feels surreal right now and it's going to take awhile to process what happened
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"...my one year anniversary being on testosterone!!! I had a vision of capturing my total gender euphoria [...] My trans and nonbinary body is divine I honor my body as it is now, and as it will be as I continue to become more and more myself..."
#hoping this doesn't get flagged labeled or otherwise restricted. hoping & blowing this whole building up#there Is queerness & an observable butt & such & [what i already know abt the stuff that does get flagged removed etc]#of course if there's a problem & this tag's commentary is irrelevant: the video! full thing!! their voice aaaa!!!#trans people trans people trans people Trans People Trans People Trans People!!!!!!!#asia kate dillon#injection vwv#their scruff their smiling their laughing the appreciatively lingering shots of leg & armpit & stomach hair#my never having heard their voice from this past year. seeing the post with the preview of this realizing it ft. testosterone like Exhale#hearing their voice after a year of hrt crying!!!! weeping!!!! been playing snippets over & over; getting familiar; getting misty; basking#selfies / home video journaling when it's also Theatre Performance Staging Modeling Photography Filmmaking Documenting Envisioning#seeing a not so unrelated like just. little documentation A Day In The Life type clip from '67 by a trans woman; resonating w/this#talking even theoretically abt Her future journey; shots of mannequins ft. the underwear/lingerie she'd like to wear then. wah
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(me watching a video abt how women get misdiagnosed consistently bc the doctors are always like Umm its just anxiety) haha yeah thats so true!! That's why i transitioned!! now they blame it on my hormones just trying to level out 🥰🥰🥰
#morgan.pdf#its like my anxiety stopped being the scapegoat lmaooooo#me when my 'trans friendly' doctor fail to tell me i have POTS & instead tells me that i'll feel better when i adjust to the hrt<3#(i had been on hrt w consistent levels for years at that point . lmaooo)
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the constant internal struggle of do i want 2 take T or do i just wish i were a cis man and ill be miserable either way
#but then ill never know until i do i it#i wont lose anything#but it is so much effort n i am already so tired#also why i steer clear of any trans realization media ive finally made it out of the aching crying clawing stage and i fear it BAJH.. ..#(emotionally)#my insecurities ruin everything#i wish i could just transition and be happy#but all i can think about is will i be uglier#will it make me even worse to the public#will it make my skin rough#im more nonbinary than anything anyways n i always have been#so i dont feel pressured to or anything#but its My wants#that. r so . hard to understand#i dream of just being some guy almost everyday#but then . can i be#would i be#i wish i could shapeshift more than anything#some days i want a body more feminine and others more masculine#but neither are what i have#because theyre both perfect & attractive in my head#and ill never be that#i would like to try hrt and see if it helps. if it makes me like myself or gives me a different perspective#but im scared HJHA.. . i cant even go to the doctor for my anxiety meds#and it makes it feel so Big#and im terrified because of that ill live my life wrong but knowing exactly what was wrong the entire time#and the regret will kill me. i have the privilege to know#but im not acting on it#i already wasted 23 years of my life stuck here . unable to do anything or be myself. will i ever get out will i ever change#will i ever be ok
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Why didn't you just go on T for fat redistribution?
fair question! a few reasons, among them that I know fat distribution is both one of the slowest changes to happen on T and one of the fastest to reverse itself if you ever stop, whereas getting fat cells sucked out of you with a straw is fast and fairly fucking permanent. and with my (former) waist-to-hip ratio I was doubtful anything short of a miracle would do much tbh. so given how impatient I was to tackle my biggest source of body dysphoria and how unlikely it seemed gradual measures would help I was super down to nuke that shit from orbit
#also I have actually been taking low dose T for a bit but it hasn't done much for me yet because my prescribing doctor is a moron lol#she didn't know drospirenone is an anti-androgen so I was taking that AND finasteride for a full year until my OBGYN figured it out.#on top of which I found out she lost her medical license in CA (not malpractice tbf she just failed to disclose her rap sheet)#(unrelated to medicine. I think it was like trespassing and disorderly conduct and something else.)#but other than planned parenthood I can't find anyone else in vegas who prescribes HRT so I'm stuck with her!!!
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just made a doctors appt for something i wanna get out of the way before i start hrt, and i feel like im gonna throw up .
#i still have to look into doctors for testosterone and stuff but. i have so much i have to do before that#so it feels kinda impossible#but this appt is a baby step and that makes me nauseous#jts so stupid its like an appointment ive been meaning to make for a year#and i just did it online in 10 minutes#didnt even have to call them#i have a few more other things on my Before HRT list lmao. but im getting to them slowly. and thats a little terrifying
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i don't think anyone should be shamed for not coming out or not transitioning (medical or otherwise) bc its ultimately your choice i just think its really easy to make up excuses after excuses to avoid doing something that would make you a lot happier and its worth taking the time to really question what you want and why you've avoided it. from time to time
#it was extremely easy for me to not start hrt in college when it would have been easy because i 'made the decision' to wait for my 'safety'.#when in reality i was just letting my anxiety talk me out of it and i regret not making moves sooner.#and then i spent years afterwards regretting it because i now convinced myself i couldn't start bc of work#it took years before i was finally ready to do that and then when it happened it wasn't even an issue i just spent years in anxiety.#situations are different too. for some people the danger i was afraid of is very real. plus some people just need time to consider options#or a million other things that might make you wait i just think its good to encourage like#the idea of just letting Go and doing it because for a lot of people its easy to trap yourself into not doing something that you want. yk.#avpost#sometimes you have to face the wall of something scary to get what you want and its just. idk.#its one thing to genuinely not want it or to genuinely be unable and that's not something to be embarrassed or shamed for#but it's another to just be avoiding it because its scary which is only going to hurt you in the long run .#it's never not going to be at least a little scary
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