#im sure ill manage to solve this in time i just hate having things hanging over me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rivkahstudies · 5 years ago

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Hi, i've been having big troubles with wanting to be better at academia and stuff but im not really sure how to get started... i sorta feel like an imposter a lot but im trying to not let it affect me but sometimes i just have moments of excruciating executive dysfunction where i can't move because I want to do so many things and my body is fighting against me... Idk if i even have a question really but it feels better to tell you this... i really look up you a lot and have for a long time...

Hi nonnie! It’s incredibly brave of you to drop this in my inbox. Yes, even anonymously. It takes a lot to even type that kind of honesty out. So thank you, and I hope you take a moment to thank yourself.

Secondly, thank you for touching my heart by your kind words. I hope you realize as you look up to me that I have the same kind of feelings, as do many studyblrs–and I’m dedicated to being honest about it so you don’t feel as if you have to live up to a perfect (and impossible, and fake) standard. I go to therapy regularly despite being in a lot better place than I used to be, because it’s almost like going for a mental check-up or gym session, and my therapist helps me sort through even tiny things so I can build better habits and mindsets. But I still remember feelings of dysfunction well, and I still battle with imposter syndrome!

The most important key ideas here are attainable goals and self talk. Both of these ideas don’t come easily, they do take work, but they’re tools that make other difficult things easier over time, with persistence.

When your body is fighting you (and really, more than anything with executive dysfunction, your mind is fighting you and making your body less functional), even baby steps can be difficult. For you, it could be anything from exercising to studying to eating to showering. Big or small, it’s totally valid that you may or may not struggle with it, and it doesn’t make you desperate for attention, or fake, or pathetic.

Let’s take your desire to “get better at academia.” That could mean a lot of things, so I’m going to latch onto one facet of it as an example. If it doesn’t apply with that exact example, that’s completely okay! Just alter it to apply to what you are struggling with, or desiring.

1. Big, abstract goal: to get better at academia

2. What that means (for this example): developing better study habits

3. What kind of things constitute that? That’s still a big, abstract goal that sounds quite formidable and unattainable. List out as many things as you can that you are striving to do or would want to try. Not everything might work for you!

Managing time better

scheduling study time

being accountable via apps or with family/friends

being efficient or effective (i.e. not getting distracted

Finding study habits that work for you and for the class’ requirements

flashcards

typed computer notes

handwritten computer notes

handwritten paper notes

infographics

youtube videos

interactive online exercises

conversations with classmates, tutors, or professors

podcasts

mind maps

journal entries

presentations

self-made study guides

practice tests (self-made or provided, online or on paper)

Feynman’s technique–writing a summary of what you’re studying, and then comparing it to the actual material. Whatever is missing is what you need to focus on, because my mantra is that it will always appear on the test.

ranking the subjects or topics by what you know most to least and studying from the bottom up. I can post a more detailed guide to this if you want! just hit me up again.

Also changing the way you treat and care for yourself

setting a stable routine

eating better (this means different things for different people–maybe you need more Vitamin C, so you should focus on more fruits in your diet, or iron, so vegetables, etc… consult with a doctor or registered dietician, not a nutritionist since they don’t have to have a degree or certification)

going to bed at a routine time

if you have to choose one, make the wake up time set. that way, if you do go to bed late but wake up at that time, it’ll reset your body clock to be sleepier earlier the next day. it’ll eventually even itself out.

drinking more water

setting up or revising your skin care routine

taking measured and unmeasured breaks away from studying to allow the information to set in your brain and to give your mind and body a much-needed reprieve

setting limits on how much screentime you want yourself to add

Self-talk

This is the big one I want to impart on you before this post is over.

You can’t just try to implement these better habits. You also have to focus on what you’re thinking when you’re doing or not doing them, and how you’re psychologically treating yourself. This isn’t easy! It takes a lot of time. And that’s okay. You aren’t going to be free of this stuff overnight. I’ve been working on this stuff actively since I was about 17 and I’m still struggling with it. But I’m also much better at addressing it than I was almost three years ago.

Be aware

Recognize when you’re treating yourself harshly. Acknowledge those times you say “I’m not good enough” in the very back of your mind. Because a lot of times we aren’t even fully conscious of how much we say “I hate myself” or “I’m stupid” or “I can’t do this.”

Once you’ve done that, start calling attention to it.

Hold yourself accountable. If this were someone hurting a friend of yours, you would likely be calling them out for the whole world to know their cruel behavior isn’t acceptable. It’s the same thing for yourself! Those awful thoughts in your brain might live there from self-doubt, mental illness, or other reasons, but you do get to decide if they pilot your actions and your mentality, even if they’re whispering awful things about how you don’t have a choice but letting them be in control.

I will freely admit on here that I’m attending therapy, because I seek to destigmatize it. I’m not at rock bottom. I’m not pathetic. I just noticed some things about me that I need to change, heal, and/or improve, and I wanted a professional to help me! Much like if I sprained my ankle or got a cold and needed to see a doctor. And one of the things that my therapist told me was as much as my anxiety felt debilitating, I am the one piloting my body and I am the one who gets to decide whether my self-talk is going to change.

And do it gently.

Not “you’re an awful person for saying these things about yourself.” You don’t solve bullying with bullying, and you definitely don’t solve putting yourself down or feeling like an imposter but doing more of the same. Instead, show compassion to yourself.

Have a conversation with yourself.

“Why do I feel like this?”

“Where is this coming from?”

“What makes me say that?”

“What can I say instead?”

“What would make me feel better?”

“What could change my mindset about this problem?”

The choice is up to you how you do it. But pretend you’re pulling someone who is misbehaving or acting cruel aside, and instead of reprimanding them, you just gently put your hand on their shoulder and say, “I’m here. What’s going on? What’s causing this behavior?”

Do the same exact thing with yourself! Offer that compassionate hand. If you’re anything like me, your imposter system is probably coming from undue pressure on yourself, self-doubt, previous bad experiences, fear of failure or rejection, insecurity, anxiety, or any number of other things that could make you doubt your beauty, your talent, your work ethic, your ability to succeed.

And a lot more people have it than you think! Just don’t compare yourself to others when, even if you know them well, you can’t know them 100%. I’m sharing my experiences because I want you to know that you’re not alone. And I also want you to know that you can only fix yourself, you can only control yourself, and the same goes for others–they have no business (and probably aren’t thinking of having any business) judging you or controlling you. If they are, screw them. Your job is to take care of and focus on yourself.

Once you know where it’s coming from, start substituting the language.

You can’t do this. “You may not be able to do this yet, but with some effort, you’ll be able to–or, you’ll be close to being able to.”

You’re a failure. “Everyone makes mistakes or fails. It doesn’t define you.”

It was just luck that got you this far. “It was hard work, passion, and effort. Keep hanging onto those things.”

You’re not good enough. “You are enough, and you don’t exist for others. You exist for yourself.”

People will get bored of you. “You don’t exist to entertain or please others.”

There’s a million more I could go through, but hopefully these examples are enough for you to apply it to your own doubts.

This might be a good exercise to journal. Because then you actually have to get the thoughts out instead of them staying scrambled in your brain. Feel free to do a bulleted guide for yourself like this one!

Etc, etc, etc… Any one of these single bullets could be an entirely distinct post, but I hope this is enough to start you off, nonnie. I want to apologize for taking my sweet time responding, but I really hope you’re still out there, somewhere on tumblr, and you see this post. You are loved, nonnie, especially by me, and I’m always here if you need something. If you message me again, call yourself something, like “self talk nonnie,” so I know I’m still talking to you.

You are all loved! You are all enough! You are all valuable and beautiful as long as you stay true to yourselves.

#anonymous #rivkah answers #my advice #executive dysfunction #studying with mental illness #imposter syndrome #mental illness #studying #student #studyblr

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fairycosmos · 5 years ago

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i want to kill myself. it gets more n more tempting and though i know i’m not going to do it, i don’t know how to deal w the feeling. especially because it’s more wanting to but not willing to, rather than i want to do this and i’m determined, i feel like no one takes that serious enough and another part of me just wants to so people will know i’m really hurting. so bad.

hey my love. it's going to be okay. the fact that you're having suicidal thoughts to any extent is very serious and should not be undermined. it's easy to desensitizie yourself to it when you've lived with it for so long, but it is a problem and you do not have to handle it alone. maybe those around you can't grasp what you're going through out of fear, or just plain ignorance, but that does not mean that you don't deserve or need help, or that it's not out there. you have options no matter how much you don't want to believe it. to be honest i want to tell you all about how significant and rare your life and presences is. i want to let you know that the biggest trick of mental illness is that it convinces you it's permanent when in reality, more often than not, there are ways to make it manageable. and everything is temporary. the natural evolution of your life will prove so much to you but you must give yourself a fair chance to get there. it's not always going to hurt this bad, and i know that means nothing to you right now, but try to have a bit of trust in the notion. ultimately i know there's nothing i can say that will immediately soothe the pain, or change anything. i understand that your mind is simply not allowing you to see things from multiple perspectives at the moment. and i get that speaking in hypotheticals is pointless when the emotional turmoil is so paramount. so i urge you to, when you can, have an honest conversation with yourself about what you truly need. what's missing from your life, what are the short term causes of your pain? does anything in particular trigger you, do you notice any self destructive patterns in yourself, what calms you when you're afraid? i'd also recommend talking to someone you trust about what's going on, whether it's a family member or a friend, anyone. you don't have to go into great detail, and it's ok to not know what to say. you just have tell them you're struggling. give them a chance to care for you. i'm sure they'll appreciate the transparency. having a support system makes a massive difference, and enables you to face up to your situation. if that's not an option, or if they don't understand, then there are other routes to take. for example, you could call a hotline. they'll be able to offer you more specific recommendations, while talking you through the episode and listening to your worries. you're in control of the call and you can hang up anytime. you could also talk to your doctor, or look into support groups in your area, or counseling agencies/youth crisis centers, anything is better than nothing. and if you're underage, and you have to force your parents to listen in order to get what you need, then so be it. you're not trapped, okay? i know this is all so hard and daunting, and putting in any amount of effort is the last thing you you want to do. but if you don't want to live like this anymore then change is necessary. and you're so unbelievably capable. your minds automatic reaction will always be to reject the idea of reaching out. but that's just a part of the self harm. isolation stagnates you, leads you nowhere fast. a professional will be able to identify the deeper causes of your suicidal ideation, while working with you to create a care plan so you're prepared when you have a meltdown and you know what to do. because it is okay to be sad. it is even alright to want to give up sometimes. but it's not okay to blur the lines between having a thought and actually acting on it. the goal isn't to never feel negative emotions, it's to try to cope with them as best you can so you don't spiral into a cycle of 'im sad so i hurt myself, i hurt myself and feel sad.' that's all very possible to achieve with time, communication, and natural personal development. if you need to cry, if you need to have days where all you do is breathe, if you need to take a step back from stressors such as schoolwork or relationships, then that's all fine. your mental health always comes first and if you prioritize it, your perspective WILL shift and evolve. please please try to believe me when i say that you're supposed to be here. taking your own life is not going to solve anything the way you think it will. it's a really positive sign that you don't think you're going to do it, and i was relieved when i read that, but like i said before - it doesn't make up for the sadness you feel, and your idolisation of death is still very worrying. it's still something you need to consider talking to your doctor about as soon as possible, or any mental health professional. it's not a far fetched idea, there is always something. i would hate for you to act on your emotions, and then regret it only when it was irreversible - which would be the likely outcome. above all you cant make such a final judgement of your life when you're so young, and you deserve better. you deserve to see all of the people you're going to become, you deserve to know the world at every age. and i know you don't think you do, but you do. i believe in your ability to put your well-being before your sadness, even when it seems impossible. you don't have to harm yourself to find peace. you don't have to kill yourself to move from one state to the next. i cant stress that enough. take it one step at a time, and look at what you can do right now to improve your quality of life even temporarily, because the present truly is the only controllable aspect. the only thing you have to worry about. i'll be rooting for you with my whole heart, seriously. so many people have been where you are, and survived it. you will, too. because you have the tools and the resilience to do so. please let me know if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, i'll be here. focus on getting through one day at a time, and when that feels like too much, one hour at a time, even one minute at a time is good enough.

#anon #tw suicide #long post

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pinksweatergettingbetter · 7 years ago

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alright so we’re back with chapter three - the Great Witch

i wonder how much of their memories Nick and Maya have actually recuperated

the whole thing seems a little dodgy...

“This bench looks like a torture tool– shall we try it out on you, Nick?”

why is Maya so bloodthirsty in the game?? i mean she’s mischievous, but...

ahhh their widdle walking sprites are so cuuuute!

hang on– is that a picture-picture of Barnham with his dog?? if so, that should raise a lot of questions...

also why is the only person who *doesnt* comment on the painting Phoenix? he’s the art major.

you know, ive seen plenty of Phoenix X Barnham, and Darklaw X Barnham, but I’ve never seen any Phoenix X Darklaw

i wonder why...

maybe Ive just never come across it

“Mr Wright, are you alright?”

(no response)

he's dead guys the fucking dog killed phoenix wright

luke: I can talk to animals maya: haha omg cool! phoenix, laying in a pool of his own blood: hurgle

wait did maya just call Barnham adorable by proxy

things layton likes: puzzles, stone lanterns

oh fuck i forgot about the puzzles

also what the FUCK muffet

Patty: I believe in your Phoenix

Phoenix, trying not to cry: cool cool cool

aww. its nice to have a moment to just talk about feelings, especially between the sidekicks.

...

...dont go into the forest you little fuckers

maya likes helms..??

“I used to come here with Nick. He’d carry the water pots, and I’d cheer him on!”

that reminds me, theres no plumbing. in fact, since its the middle ages, theres not even any outhouses. maya and phoenix have canonically shit in the streets

DOGS AND CATS, LIVING TOGETHER–

its 12:30 on a school night and I've spent over an hour trying to help a dog deliver mail

oh maya solved that one! thats the first AA solve of the game. ...er, to me.

i dont understand how piccarats work

like, the previous puzzle was 30 piccarats and it was ridiculously easy. this one’ twenty and ive already lost ten points

maybe its to do with how my brain works– the 30 one was a pattern/colour puzzle, and I'm an artist. this one’s about directions, and I'm ASS at directions.

darklaw what are you WEARING

you look like a skimpy medieval furry

seriously what is with the metal skirt on bare thighs

is that supposed to be comfy

man these backgrounds are so beautiful

why did she specifically tell Maya to be wary of witches

“You certainly both love your food. Personally, I’d just like a little more sleep...”

amen bro

oh fuck

Drosselmeyer wants to see Layton. dont let him brainwash ya!

“So this is the deathknell dungeon? Looks more like solitary confinement to me.”

considering the fact that she can see out the door, i doubt its solitary nick. solitary is a sealed box from hell.

Maya: you were just scared that nick would fuck up like always!! because he's an enormous fuck up haha!! Espella: i... no, i think he's really great

Phoenix: ...hey can i change assistants please

OH HO

CLIFF HANGER

one does not simply

visit the storyteller

“come to think of it, during that parade, the storyteller did seem to be held in high esteem by all the townsfolk...”

guys have you not realized that youre literally meeting god yet???

ah see Layton’s got it

c’mon luke keep up

pfft they think Layton’s a hatter

just wearing a tophat does not a hatter make

ah the knights garrison

this is where Chucky stopped playing on his second third-space save

I wonder why...

“And so the travellers finally arrived...”

yeah well first of all??? if you wanted me to get in there faster maybe dont make your door a fucking puzzle maybe

fuck you old man you aint shit

(btw i managed to solve it accidentally in the recommended 4 turns by pressing 3 random buttons and then realizing id somehow succeeded)

Storyteller: [farts suspiciously]

Storyteller: you guys are bad because you stopped me killing children

Layton:

“OOPS”

DUFLUS SHFLS

LUKE ITS OK

I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO BE MAD

Espella: it’s true... that the towns folk look at me in a different way

well for one thing youre a different art style than most of them without being anything usually associated with said art style

oh ok that i was not expecting

she’s,,, jesus???

Maya spitting truths here

wait hang on a second

first of all– “the great witch is just a character of myth” yeah well EVERYONE is a character, Espella

also, she says she came to live with Patty 5 years ago... which is also what Phoenix and Maya said

when their memories all got altered to include phoenix and maya, does that mean they like, had a whole growing-up-together for five years roster of memories?

13 y/o Espella and Maya meeting, bonding over stuff, wondering why only Maya had to make bread and Espella didnt

Phoenix–– hell, in the time frame, he’d be ‘Pheenie’ being their older brother. Acting like his 25 y/o self, or harkening back to those days and acting accordingly??

and how shitty it must’ve been when they realized none of it ever happened.

“Were these things... My memories?”

well probably not considering im pretty sure that tiny kid being flown over was you

i feel bad for nick’s... wherever is getting bitten, but this does lend credence to my headcanon that animals hate phoenix so

also the inquisitor office theme needs to chill the fuck out

“Exactly what are you doing over there on all fours”

dont do that

“He just sits back and lets his dog bite people, err... I mean, me”

he’s lucky nobody flips the fuck out and bites back. i suppose nobody would dare if they knew it was his dog, but still. not very responsible.

“Dr. Delduke” eh

well now

“He was no witch.” “Why?”

“HE was a man.”

( Welp, can’t argue with that. )

hey!!! equality to witches!! boys can be witches too!!

“Maya... can you get this mutt away from me? I can’t feel my leg.”

“Aww... So soon? I was hoping he’d use you as a blue chew toy just one more time.”

ok, seriously, what is UP with Maya? I can’t remember her ever being this violent in the original series. Like, she hit Nick over the head with the shichishito that one time, but she wasn’t constantly wishing harm on him??

as much as i appreciate seeing a tiny maya model i fucking hate the cloud puzzle fuck you for doubling up on it

oh i lucked into the answer awesome

this seems to be a running theme...

every time someone looks at the bell tower, they always comment on the bell never being heard. it must be foreshadowing.

wow Jean is very short

...also I'm calling it now, HE DID IT

hmm Greyerl’s voice actress is a little more noticeable than Luke’s...

also OH OK. the fucking bell tower just MANIFESTED OUT OF PURE FLAMES

THATS COOL

“He reacted in a moster peculiar way. Unlike others who saw it, he seemed unsettled, as if he was truly afraid of something”

oh i dunno, maybe the DEMON BELL TOWER???

Maya: only YOU can fuck up that badly, nick!

ok... genuinely, utterly, seriously, why is Maya so malicious in this game? She does tease Nick a lot throughout the series, but its usually in a more playful or goofy manner. A lot of the things she says in this game seem sort of unnecessary or weirdly hurtful... especially since phoenix hasn’t done much to warrant any of them.

hmm

well, I know what happens to Maya

but what the hell is he doing to Nick?

also I do hope there’s a reeeeeaaaaally good reason for all this...

layton flings out his arm to shut luke up skdgkafajkf

wait why did the owl bring them that

“Luke, my boy... We have the need... to rent a steed.”

LAYTON

oh and they fucking did

“You think that’s bad? You should see Nick try and do the laundry– Now that’s a major blunder!”

see that seems a little more in character somehow

especially since its something that seems like he would fail at.

still, weirdly insult heavy...

hey hey

100 coins

“in an alchemy sense”

shouldn’t that be an ‘alchemical’ sense?

“I guess you’re more suited to small, dark, damp places.”

is that a reference to the mushroom thing??

phoenix, in someone else’s abandoned basement: oh no their house plants are dying :( ill water them

this man??? is pure??

“Well well well. If it isn't a well.”

NICK

“Come to think of it... I haven’t noticed any plumbing here in Laborynthia.”

I WAS RIGHT

THEY SHIT IN THE STREETS

“As things stand, Mr. Wright is in serious danger!”

uh the story said Maya would die, not Phoenix. It said he’d be cursed, but Maya would be tried and burnt. You should probably be more worried about her...

great witch: sup guys I'm gonna fuck shit up

game: the following is too horrifying to look directly at; here, have some shenanigans with Luke and that other bard Bardly was complaining about.

“Birdly”

fuck you perhaps

WHY IS EMEER THERE

NOO

also hi Layton you’re looking a bit uh

a bit

...well this hardly makes any sense

doesn’t Layton appear not long after this? also, it’s easy enough to prove Maya’s not a witch; just hand her the staff and ask her to politely turn Layton back.

that or just cry on him real quick; worked for Ash

bweuuuhhh dont cry luke pls

luuuuke

its ok luke magic isn’t real luke

...though from what I’ve heard of your universe, someone could have used Science to turn him into gold and that could be totally real so

just

c’mon in for a hug lil guy

also see yuh all next time for part... four? i think?

#perusing pl vs aa #ooc

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damnit-kid · 7 years ago

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Ive been trying to think of things to say or do, but I dont have a lot. Ive wanted a service dog for exactly these situations, but even if I got approved for one at my next appointment I wouldnt have one in time, ya know?

My next psychiatry appointment is on the 1st, and its a full psych eval, which im super excited about! But im not sure how telling my HR person about it will help.

Having my wife hanging around the hotel room while im out doing the actual thing would probably help to make the building feel safe. I might be able to manage that, but im not sure thats allowed. Also, its not fair to ask her to do all the things I actually need a service dog for– making sure I eat and sleep when im stressed, take my pills, and help me through panic attacks, sensory overload, and dissociation. Ive started scratching myself until I bleed if i am overwhelmed and have no other outlet for my anxiety while fending off a panic attack. If theres one thing i hate more than a panic attack its people watching me flip my shit.

All together this big a break in my routine seems pretty impossible. I dont need three days of life coaches to tell me how I think and react to situations is wrong/ineffective/possibly distressing to everyone involved. I already know that. I need long term therapy, not a bandaid. There is a reason they call my problems ~disorders~.

Its all “change the way you approach a situation, rather than trying to change other people.” sure, cool, except that instead of long term cognitive therapy to change years of disordered thinking they want me to take a crash coarse that is impartial to my actual situation and needs. I think I want in on what the program is about, but I dont think Ive reached the point where a few classes is going to do me any good in the long run.

My wife went through the class and loved it, but then she came home touting about how it was okay that I was flawed and this that and the other thing. I was pretty pissed about that, too, because to me a flaw is how bitchy I get when Im hungry or how sometimes i am hypocritical about cleaning. And if it were just about how often I leave my underwear on the bathroom floor it wouldnt have bothered me. But im not just flawed, im fucked up– and im not just disparaging, someone literally and deliberately fucked me up. Someone thought they had the right to hurt me and Ive been suffering daily from it for years. And Im greatful she loves me despite all of it, but the biggest problems in our relationship have been our disordered behavior and our sometimes incompatable needs / coping methods. I dont need it minimalized and thrown in my face just because she wants to parrot a few things she heard without thinking more critically about how to approach each situation (like, fuck, thats what its about.)

And more over, i dont think it did her any long term good either. what I see is that the company– not the coaches or even the message that they teach, just the people in charge of our branch and building –have just reinforced this idea that when something goes wrong she should just internalize it instead of examining a situation, recognizing the factors that went into it as impartially as possible, and learning from/problem solving from there. Because thats how they use it here! They use it to abuse people. Which is why I wouldnt put it past them to find some excuse to fire me of I dont go. The fact that a supervisor suggested it, though not to threaten me, just makes my anxiety worse.

She loved what she learned, but i dont think its helping her now, because she doesnt have the follow through of therapy to help her sort this great idea out from her own disordered thoughts. And the problem is not her or me, per se, but the fact that we are mentally ill. The fact that the program is literally about trying to change the way you think about life for the better, about taking responsibility for your own actions, about learning what does and does not exist withing your loci of control– if I suggest the same thing, but maybe in baby steps to develop better habits for the long term, I am met with resistence and “what helps you wont help me”. And im mad about that too, because its true, but what I have to say doesnt seem to get any consideration, but as soon as her RL group comes together its all about support and how shes not alone.

And Im mad about it all. And to top it all off it happens in unfamiliar and unsafe territory, with unsafe people. Its like building a house on a sandy beach at low tide. I cant even explain all the irrational feelings or the panic that overwhelms me and is completely outside of my control. Its just something I physically and psychologically cant handle, but Ive got everyone screaming in my face about how great it is, and i just dont want to see change, especially in my wife, and how its holding me back and Im holding her back, and what have you…

And it just feels like I have to prove Im mentally ill to people who think im making excuses or being over dramatic and or self centered. Im not a neurotypical person being difficult. Ive worked so hard to get where I am now, to be able to do things like leave my house to go grocery shopping (sometimes by myself!) Im proud of me for being able to do basic things. But what do I do in the face of all this? I dont know. The fawn in me wants to do nothing and let people have their way with me, because thats what I did in the past. The part of me that has made leaps and bounds toward a healthier me knows that that behavior didnt actually help me then and it wont actually help me now.

So I am stuck, and I have two and a half hours before I have to do something, anything.

Had a panic attack at work that kept me locked in a bathroom for almost an hour. I still have to deal with what caused my panic attack tomorrow morning with my HR person. Im not happy about it and not sure what to do.

My company does these retreat things that involves going to a place ive never been before, in situations ive never been in, with people ive never seen– who want me to talk, because theyre “life coaches” blah blah blah. Its like my worst nightmare, except they offer me a sauna instead of the pills a psychiatric hospital would.

But its almost impossible for me to operate outside of my routine until Ive established a place as safe. I couldnt go to my drs appointments alone until I got familiar with the people at the office; theyre the furthest from home I can go by myself. The grocery stores dont bother me much anymore, the gas stations close to home, the urgent care. The mall is still tough for me, depending on the day. I can make phone calls to familiar places.

But like… i have 5 different medications that allow me to do even that much. Without them I was barely able to leave my house for six months just to go to the beach– just the beach where I didnt even have to talk to anyone and no one would notice me.

So, I dunno. Im also pretty worried they wont fire me if I dont go…

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ilygsd · 6 years ago

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odfidk: 270618

i cry at least once aday cus im only surrounded by whites but like.... there are poc here. theres other adoptees of color and some poc in my DM’s wanting to chat with me and maybe even hang out but fuuuCKKK WHAT IS WRONG WTH ME WHY AM I NOT SOCIAL

i also always cry about how social and happy i used to be but im doing anything about it lmao. like i KNOW that in order to get my shit together i need to sleep and eat and exercize and shit..... do i do that?? absolutely the fuck no cus i love to feel sorry for mysel and watch myself destroy everything

i hate myself, i hate my life i can feel the anxiety coming and when that is i always call my mom but she’s white and im so paranoid i dont trust white people with anything i REALLLY RESLLY REALLY want a therapist of color but my lazy ass cant even manage to call one cus i’d rather lie in my bed and DIE than doing smth productive with my life

also im together with a white dude and just thinking about how confused i am about this relationship makes me want to die alone. i cant trust my own thoughts and feelings but i SURE AS HELL cant trust anyone else either. not white people, no poc and not adoptees of color either. the only person i trust is my partner cus they know me better than anyone else and theyre wise but fuck i dont trust them either cus i cant even manage to tell them this cus ive already been such a horrible partner and i dont want to huet them but hey no its not even about that. its about ME not wanting to lose them cus im so fucking selfish which is only another reason i should break up. if you knew what a horrible partner, friend and human being ive been you’d all hate me. im such a hypocrite and when i hear my partner forigve me despie me KNEOING what i am like.......

how will i ever find someone who loves me like them. i’ll never find anyone like them. does it really matter that they’re white in that case? yes it does can i’d literally kILL myself if our children were to become white. how can i love myself after all of this. im holding onnto a dream of re-visiting my homecountry and my birth place. im holding omto a dream of learning mandarin and more abt my culture and get lots of chinese and asian friends but like..... who am i kidding. that wont solve my problems. what i feel is so much deeper. what i feel is nothing that can be fixed

IM SO FUCKINF SAD EVERYONE. IM SO SAD AND I MISS MY BIOLOGIAL PARENTS SO FUCKING MUCH. I HATE EVERYONE BUT ONLY BC I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY OWN SELF HATRED AND DISSATISFACTION. IM SO SAD AND FRUSTRATED AND LONELY AND I JUST WANT TO BE IN MY MOMS BELLY.

why did it turn out like this. what am i so problematic snd why am i not doing anything about it. why did i destroy and fux up every single relationship i ever had. why cant i love my adoptive family like anyone else. but why al i not strong enough to cut them off. is it bc i actually love them? or is it bc im scared of being alone? will i love them again when i’ve healed, when i’ve revovered from whatever it is im revorigin form. abandonment? loss? lost family, lost identity, lost culture, lost people

it doesnt matter how many POC i connect with or how many adoptees i connect with. i’ll always feel lonely. i’ll always be lonely. and im so pathetic i cant stand it. i’d rather kill myself than knowing i’ll always be lonely. ive fkd up every friendship and relationship i have and im too scared of building new ones bc im so over attatched and want to rely on them forever. and now i dont even feel anything but anger and hatred. im such a fucking mess. im a danger to myself and everyone around me. im abusing the ones i claim to love, i dream about taking a gun and just shoot everyone down. i dream about committing suicide but not bc i actually want to, but because i want to revenge. on who? i want my family to suffer. i want society to suffer and know my pain. but they wont. they never will

im all alone, im so lonely im so lonely i keep isolering myself. i keep dreaming about fkn kpop idols and anime characters. i will never get better if i dont do smth but im so tired and im so angry. but it only hurts me. im only hurting myself even more. no one cares. no one will ever care, its only hurting ME

i thought i had gotten better. i used to feel like this everyday. now its only once a month. but idk. i cant think straight, i cant control myself. i know i shouldnt post stuff lile this DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IVE FKD UP CUS I CANT CONTROL MYSELF WHEN IM IN THIS KIND OF STATE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY THOOUGHT I WAS GONNA KILL SOMEONE AND THEN JUMP IN FRONT OF A BUS

im sitting in my room. my little sister is outside and when im done with this message i’ll go out to her and pretend nothing happened. i cry for myself. i cry for other adoptees too. i cry for my adopted little sister and how white she is. i cry for all adoptees who’ve grown up to become whites. i cry because im such a fkn mess. i cry bc my abusive tendencies started so early. i abused my little sister bc of my own fkn issues and our adoptive parents didnt even care, they didnt even realize.

i feel like this is who i was supposed to be. a disgusting manipulative abuser but i know thats just another excuse for me to not do smth about myself

why dont i care about my family? about my partner or my little sister? i’d say i love my partner the most but i care more about my little sister

sometimes when i see children of color, or asian children i just feel something so fucking strong. i feel like i want to die for them on the spot. i feel like straight out giving them my jeart and protect them forever.

i got pregnant when i was 17 and it changed my life. ive never been interested in children but after that i was. but its so unhelathy. im only interested bc i want someone like me. i even doubted the abortion. fuck i felt like absolute SHIT after the abortion. i felt like they took smth from me, they took my mom, they took my baby. everhthing was taken from me and i got nothing. if im not able to have biolocial children in the future i’ll kill myself. if my children is looking white or nothing like me i’ll kill myself. im happy i had an abortion tho. i wasnt mentally stable. poor child would have only been born bc i was feeling lonely

i’d be such a horrible mom too. i’d be so overprotective. im always like that. overprotective in a possessive kind of way. like YOURE MINE. my child would hate me and i wouldnt blame them. i just feel like i have to protect something. i NEED something to protect. no one ever needs me. im always clinging into others but no one ever needs me as much as i need them. a child would need me. but they would eventuellt grow up so im thinking about a dog or a car instead. they would need me.

you know what i want? uncondotional love. from people of color. yes i have that from my white adoptive parents but i dont feel it. instead i feel like im using them. im shitting so fucking much on them and i dont know if i do it even more cus i feel guilty for shitting on them. most times they just take it and its like that makes me even angrier but if they were to argue with me i’d fkn explode right there and now. ive always been such a problematic kid. i can feel it. my sister’s been so calm and perfect but ive always been unstable. its like i always test people. ive tested my adoptive parents for 17-18 years now.

but everhtime i actually have someone love me uncondotilnally i feel like i have to isolate myself. its such a weird fkn thing i have such a weird fkn conception abt relationships and such. its just the way i thought it was like. in a friendship, relationship or family theres ONE dominant and ONE submissive. i realized relationships doesnt work lile this AT AGE 17 WHEN I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS. can you believe i’ve lived like this for 17 years???? i still categorize ppl into this and its so fucked up. how could i think like this?? how can I STILL think like this?? the submissive have to love the dominant one but the dominant will always protect the submissive one. i always, ALWAYYS go for dominant ones. and its always, ALWAYS going shit. either bc i expect too much from them. i expect them to love me back snd PROTECT ME or im just too clingy and get rejected. bc when im the dominant one i get bored. its like i WANT to fight for peoples attention. i see them as superior and i feel good when they give me that. but not too much cus if they give me too much I’LL feel superior and then i feel bored. thats basically my relationship with my partner now. ive been an awful fkn asshat and they’re still staying with me. it disturbed me once so much i forced them to break up with me only to guilt trip them when they did.

im so fucked up i really am. my partner deserves so much better. im so fucked up that i want to break up with them but if i would, if they would, i’d go fucking banans. thats not a healthy relationship. i shouldnt be in relationship

i should be alone til ive fgired myself out. but lonliness and isolation drives me mad. i dont trust myself

this post wasnt supposed to be lile this. i was going to write smth intellectual but instead im exposing myself like this. why do i do that? i dont know. do i wan people to feel sorry for me?? is that what i want? do i want advice? advice that i know i wont follow anyways cus im a dumbass?? is it because i just cant hold it in? why dont i post it somewhere else private? especially when i KNOWW THAT ILL GET SO FKN ANXIOUS ABT POSTING THIS THAT ILL NEVER FACE ANYONE AHAIN SND ILL REBLOG SO MANY TAEHYUNG GIFS AND JUST LAUGH IT OFF BUT LILE..... IM STILL GONNA POST IT???

sometimes i tell myself i wouldnt care if i died but im actually so afraid of dying

i want to be happy i want to be good but i dont know if i can or if i deserve it. when im not feeling like shit i dont want to talka but this bc then i’ll feel like sjit snd im scared of myself. i feel like im turning into a demon, something i cant control and im scared i’ll do stupid shit

how do i get rid of this? how dont become happy. the fact that my family is white, my partner is white. is that a problem or is it only me? do i have to break up, do i have to cut off my family in order to become satisfied? in order to decolonize? i know adoptees who have. mostly cus they got real weird fkn prents but my parents are....... so-so. they’re white. they’re good parents except they’ee white. but other adoptees parents weren’t even good parents to start with and their whiteness and racism made it 722771x worse

i hate feeling so split always having to choose. choose between AP and bio family. whites and poc. i’ll choose poc. i’ll choose my birth family. but i dont have a birth family like...... and now im stuck with this white one. ive been abandoned multiple times im not strong enougg to get rid of my AP’s even if i want to. but i dont think that i want to. i think i love them. im just so fkn heartvroken abt the fact that they’re white and therefore constantly hurting me and my sister wether they want it or not. im stuck. its like a fkn curse.

i was a fine kid before. i always had these issue but the abortion def triggered it. the abortion and break up with my friends that was like the 3rd break up and i just knew that damn i dont have the energy to keep going. dont even get me started on the breakup. i was a sjit friend. yeah im still a bit salty cus i think hey could have handled it better but tbh........ they probably sensed the fucking freak inside of me me before it jumped. i keep telling myself they only protected themselves but im paranoid and hate everyone and when i feel abandoned and rejected i deal with it with being an abusive asshat

i wonder why im like this. im obv not the only one since i keep reading abt adoptees who murder and stuff. i kinda think thats me sometimes. that im gonna turn out like that and just go on a murder spree. when i see x-men or the black panther...... i always feel for erik and eric (sre they both named eric lmao). mage to and killingen. and all charcters like that. i cried so much when i watched these movies cus im so sensitive when it comes to families AND people. (xmen jewish ppl) (black panther black ppl). and i kind of undersyood them

especially xmen apacolypse. he really tried to turn good. he really got himself a family but even they got killed. everyone got kille. i kinda admire him but i also think he’s weak. how come he’s able to just turn good after that????? i’d probably kill the whole fucking world. like what kind of propaganda IS THAT??? is that even real??

and i feel so awful cus i had a good childhood i guess??? i mean fkn killmonger grew up all alone and poor and he found his fkn dad murdered??? i understand that trauma!!! and magneto had his mom shot in front of him and watched his whole people fkn die. and what about me? i havent been through any of that

ofc i dont know. i dont know what happened before and i dont remember. my APs got divroced tho and my A mom got PTSD and i def think that affected me as well tho. i kind of lost my family AGAIN. and ive never really tristes them after that. even there u could feel me snd my fucked up ness

i was such a shithead to my mom who had freaking PTSD. i blamed her for everything. breaking up with dad, bad ekonomy and then our fkn white big brother moved home bc he was depressed too or smth and there we were. 3 kids sharing a room while mom was unemployed and slept in the living room. that was such a messy time and my 11 y/o self was so angry and aggressive. and my poor sister was so scared and shy. of me. of all of us

anyways why didnt my sister turn out like this? is it bc of my temepramwnt?? maybe. ive read abt mental illness but i dont really feel like anyone fits. im leaning more towards bpd. bipolar and ptsd are similar but i dont rly get those periods and i dont get flashbacks of my trauma either cus im not even sure what my trauma is. its more like..... a feeling rather than smth specific. i mean its not like i remember anything

but why did i tjen out like this. irs cus everyone hates me right? lmao u always think lile that ots so pathetic. i always think ppl do shit to huet m. my poor partner and ex-friends..... the simpliest mistake would make me crazy.

im such a horrible human and sometimes i dont want to do anything abt this. i just dont wanna CARE but i know i feel line that cus i feel guilty deep inside. and it wont make me happy either

if i recover will i stop hating white people? will i stop hate my family and non-adoptees? probably not white ppl and non-adoptees. i mean i still hate men and so so why would i stop just cus i recover. but my family? will i forgve myself? will i fogive them? i cant forive them ew no. ugh idek what im saying. what do i have to do to stop feeling like this?

maybe get out of bed? yeah thats a start

thanks ill reblog bts now and then ill turn off my phone and never come back. cant wait to comeback and cringe the fuck out of myself wow i love

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transtrendhumanity · 7 years ago

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hello, time for another roll call. i’m not even going to look at how late we are this time, we’re terrible at staying in habits like this tbh.

front today feels like callon and also nero, with elster backseat driving. elster picked up a new kintype (leon) and is now even more gay than before. i can appreciate that

ok sooooo

up in the treehouse, kitt has slowly been picking up the rules of ygo despite never playing a match in is life. yacinthe & vite have been playing all the time, i humour them too sometimes. i mean they play fucking mario kart with me so its fair. kayden plays both games as well and also fucking sucks at them. kei is a bit standoffish most of the time but like they have their own issues so thats fine.

oh yeah and casey’s up here with us too. she’s like freakishly good at games, it’s kind of unfair. she can’t consistently beat vite at dueling yet but considering she only just recently picked up the game it’s ridiculous how well she does. sometimes ceren comes up here but a lot of the time fae is being gay over at azdien’s mansion.

you shoulda seen the other day, some song nitexx likes came on the radio and ze managed to drag ceren on stage at our treehouse, along with kayden, and the three of them put on a show together, it was incredible. basically everyone turned up, except i guess callon, who was too busy with fire emblem to give us the time of day.

i feel like i should be talkin about what people are up to now instead of what they been up to but idk how connected we are so ill just keep dishing gossip until people feel like showing themselves.

ceren and azdien are like ridiculously horny, which i guess is fine. ceren is probably starting to surpass kayden in that regard, and yall know thats saying something.

corian is almost definitely kin of yellow diamond, even if callon’s been reluctant to kinfirm, partly because ey’s like “oh we need to do a reading every time we kinfirm, reading it 3+ times wasnt enough” and partly because ey gets embarrassed about having too many from the same canon.

likewise, haze is just about definitely kin of cinnabar, which sucks but not as much as callon would have you believe. ey just doesn’t like them, which i guess is understandable but like, get over it. anyway haze has some theories about hnk endgame that are not too pleasant but i guess we’ll see what happens.

who was the other one, cilla? cilla and callon’s relationship isn’t unlike gq and cairn’s, even if its a bit inversed. with callon being the main fronter and cilla taking over when things get rough. theyre really close in a way that i think is specific to headmates. its good for them. cilla is still very much in the form of an espeon so i think it’s a minor kintype for her, but it’s probably there.

ethan is mia like most of the time. i wouldn’t say theyve left system but theyre just so different from the rest of us its hard to keep track of them.

ok so. uhhhh actually time to go on a tour. yacinthe and casey are dueling while kitt watches, it seems like casey is winning. kei is picking their nails with a fucking knife in the corner. vite’s playing some video game. idk where kayden is, maybe he’s visiting the main house today.

in corian’s cabin, elster totally looks like leon right now, but i’d imagine ze’ll settle on a blended form eventually. ze’s drinking tea, served by corian, and corian’s listening to hir boy troubles. nine’s in there as well but not particularly interested in the conversation. who else. nika i think. nika’s downstairs for once, even though sie kind of hates corian’s taste in decor.

i think i can see ethan upstairs in nika’s space, but it’s kind of hard to tell.

in azdien’s mansion... or? yeah, in the mansion, in the little greenhouse corner of the library, kestrel and tobias are playing chess. they’re pretty into it. ailecent is on the roof of corian’s cabin if anyone was wondering, taking a nap in the afternoon sun like a cat.

xykiel’s aura has been floating around a lot lately, idk what’s up with caer but maybe one of these days cae will manifest fully again. speaking of lurkers, cyrren’s ship is still visible on the horizon, through i can’t imagine what ae’d gain by coming back.

also by the coastline, raliel is out by the cliffs again, staring wistfully out to sea like wav does like half the time. i’ve half a mind to push wav in but i guess that would be rude.

uhhhh

nessie is.. hang on. ok nessie was talking to elster a while ago but now she’s in riley’s bedroom again, talking to riley and nitexx about how basically all boy problems can be solved with murder. im really not convinced that applies to elster’s situation, but i guess thats what shes passionate about. nitexx seems to be agreeing mostly, but i think ze just likes murder, as a concept. riley has given up on being the voice of reason and is now only half listening.

further upstairs, ceren is in the attic practicing ballet. fae gets a bit upset when fae notices im there but like im sure fae will relax about it eventually.

haze is in er room, Brooding, like e does.

remm is also in vir room, doing vir makeup like ve’s going downtown.

kayden is downstairs after all, like i thought. he’s sitting backwards on ethan’s chair talking excitedly about something, but im not too sure what. amelia and floret are kind of listening but mostly cuddling. perien is actually paying attention.

im not sure if echo is here and hiding or if her and casey have finally fused. wait no, she doesn’t like me saying that so she’s around here somewhere. even though her spot on the chair is free, cilla is still loafed on the floor beneath it.

gabbi is kneeling by the aquarium chatting with rayn. rayn seems a little down, fsr, but idk whats up.

iiiin the next room over. vex seems dead tired but like brought back from the dead by the need to produce. jace is trying to get eir to go to sleep, to little effect.

uhhh venic. venic is actually at the mansion today. kye’s in micah’s room, they’re talking about something sinister probably. i don’t feel like checking on drohen but i assume theyre the same as always.

azdien is like weirdly soft and gay lately and tbh its a bit disappointing. like vae’s still very firmly in charge around here but. idk

thats not really everyone but i dont feel like wandering around in here any more so. bye

#[roll call]

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