#i have a lot of feelings about jess living okay

[graedari]

2-for-1 deal of Jess Lives and Gets Marked AU

[engagemythrusters]

Here's some angst, because sometimes bodies just feel like a mess. plus a bad background xoxo

[total-dxmure]

✦ INVISIBLE STRING THEORY →【ELLIE WILLIAMS】→ CHAPTER ONE

pairings: modern!marine ellie x reader

summary: the marines didn’t ruin ellie. ellie ruined ellie. after being medically discharged she feels lost. being sent to live with joel is more of a last ditch effort to save her and less of a fun reunion for the father-daughter duo. jackson is worlds different than chicago, but the fresh air and sprawling countrysides are a welcome reprieve. ellie finds herself finding comfort in more than just the change in scenery though. after losing your girlfriend due to an accident you feel as though you’ll never find love again- but that was before meeting ellie williams. the two of you figure out that you have more in common than just the fact that she and your girlfriend were both marines though. tethered by some invisible string, the two of you meeting has to be fate. who would have known that you were the golden ticket to ellie’s recovery?

warnings: eventual smut! lots of tension building and mutual pining. ellie falls first and hard. small town girl meets a frightening, strong ex marine. TW: talk of panic attacks, ptsd episodes and death. come for the ellie smut and stay for the plot and fluff.

⬶ previous chapter | next chapter ⤅

“The fact that she’s military is the only thing saving her ass right now.”

Ellie kept her head bowed down low, her hands clasped in between her legs as she hunched over in the seat, making herself as small as possible. Her knuckles were bruised and scrapped to hell, the blood already dried and crusted. Most of the blood wasn’t hers, and if she thought about that fact for too long she’d probably have an episode. Either that or she’d throw up all over the sheriff’s office.

“Boss, I really appreciate you calling me instead of booking her. You have to understand that she’s in therapy and is on a shit ton of medications. Is the guy gonna press charges. . . ?” Hearing her best friend kiss up to his boss on her behalf had the vein in her forehead twitching.

“Technically the boy was shoplifting, so I doubt he’s gonna go forward with any sort’a legal action. I know she was trying to help, but she used excessive force. Beat the poor kid black and blue. . . I mean-” The officer lowered his voice, and Ellie could hear Jesse’s chair creak as he leaned forward. “His damn tooth was knocked out.” The sheriff whispered.

She closed her eyes tight, running a shaky hand over her face. She should own up to all of this and apologize. This was her fault, so why. . . why was she just sitting there? It was like she was glued to the chair, unable to move her head up. She couldn’t look Jesse in the eye. She was ashamed of herself.

Because she smelled like greasy, unwashed hair and cigarettes, was wearing the same pair of jeans she’d worn yesterday when he invited her over to his and Dina’s for dinner, and now he was having to pick her up at the police station for starting a fight.

A pack of beer. That’s what she’d pummeled the boy over.

He couldn’t have even been her age. He looked freshly legal, and something in her fucked up mind told her that it was okay to hurt him like that. The second that the nice elderly woman behind the counter had started screaming about a man stealing from her, some sort of switch had been flipped in her brain. Loud noises always made her feel anxious, but screaming like that? She couldn’t have stopped the meltdown even if she’d wanted to. So she dropped what she was holding and ran after him. What happened afterwards was. . . well, it was a blur. She squeezed her eyes shut tight and rubbed her temples, trying hard to remember.

Her therapist called them “PTSD episodes”. Random things triggered a breakdown: loud noises, gunshots, screams, flashes of light. . . they were unavoidable. She’d lose total track of time when it happened. One second the door to Ellie’s walk-in closet was closing behind her, plummeting her in darkness, and the next she’d be laying on her back in the middle of her room, balling her eyes out. Living like this was hell, but no matter how many mind-numbing pills she was prescribed, she still found it nearly impossible to function.

She didn’t want to scare her loved ones. When Joel called she just. . . lied. It made her feel dirty. It was wrong and she knew that, but it was better than the alternative. Being a liar was better than being a broken failure.

“Yeah, I’m doing great. My therapist is on to something, I think.”

“Come on, rambo. Let’s get you to bed.” Jesse placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, knowing better than to pat her on the back like he used to.

Ellie knew it hurt him to see her flinch under his touch. She swallowed back bile and stood up, practically having to drag herself out of the officers office. She couldn’t look at him. She couldn’t thank him or- or anything.

But then he did that thing. . . he thanked Ellie.

Ellie didn’t give a shit about the military discounts or the cheaper car insurance- she got a nice cushy check from the military every month just for breathing. She didn’t want pity or thanks simply because she didn’t deserve it.

“Thank you for your service, Williams.” The sheriff’s voice reminded her of Joel’s. For some reason that made it hurt even worse.

Still, her muscles tightened, and she worked hard to straighten her posture.

“It was my privilege.” It was a well rehearsed response. It didn’t even sound like her voice when she had said it though, and it scared her.

As she followed Jesse out to his truck, she tried to ascertain whether she was just beginning to disassociate or whether or not this was all just another strange side effect from her meds.

She blinked and suddenly she was already situated in the car, Jesse on the main road to get the both of them back home. He had the radio turned down to just a hum, his sleepy eyes glued to the road in front of him. The clock on his dashboard told her that it wasn’t just “late” anymore, but “morning�� now. Ellie sat up suddenly, her heart pounding as she tried to map out exactly how many minutes she had just lost.

“Fuck.” She breathed, pressing her palms against her eyes.

She needed to call her therapist sometime today. She needed. . . She needed a lower dose of medication. There’s no way any of this was normal.

“Have you eaten?” Jesse asked, turning his head to finally look at her.

Ellie wished that he felt inconvenienced by her. Anger would be better than pity, but the look in his eyes was anything but annoyance. Jesse looked like he was close to tears. He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, and Ellie felt called to reach her hand out and place it on his shoulder. She wasn’t a very touchy person these days (and it’s not like she was to begin with), but he needed it.

“Not in a couple of hours.” Ellie answered him, letting her fingers dig into the soft fabric of his shirt.

He nodded and cleared his throat, sitting up a little straighter. When Ellie dropped her hand and turned to look out the passenger side window, she could have sworn he lifted his arm to hurriedly wipe at his eyes. She couldn’t be sure though. . . seeing as she was now legally blind in her left eye. The wonky eye and the thin scar that started in the middle of her forehead and ended on her brow bone were the only physical reminders that she had of the explosion.

It seemed so miniscule compared to all of the shit that was going on in her head. She’d much rather have a destroyed body than a brain that didn’t work right anymore.

“How about you sleep in the guest bedroom? Dina’s probably worried sick about the both of us. Let’s. . . let’s spend the day together. Yeah?” It sounded like he was pleading with her.

There was a brief moment of heavy silence. No matter how much of a burden she saw herself as, the thought of going home right now frightened her. Ellie was terrified that she was going to end up all alone in this world, but she couldn’t stop pushing everyone away. It’s almost as if. . . she knew that she was bound to self-destruct at some point. She didn’t want anyone to see her like that.

“She’s going to kill me.” Ellie groaned out, dramatically banging her head against the headrest.

Jesse’s lips twitched up into a smile, but he was quick to try and mask it. “Nah. Dina? Mad at you for getting arrested at one thirty in the morning? No way.” His tone was sarcastic, and Ellie appreciated the fact that Jesse could still joke under circumstances like this. It made things feel almost normal. Almost.

Ellie winced, dragging a battered and bruised hand over her face. She had no idea why she’d been at the gas station picking up a bag of pretzels and a pack of ding-dongs that late at night. A documentary about the recently discovered Exo-planet was on the Discovery channel, and she’d actually worked up an appetite after it was over. She missed acting her age. Maybe that’s why she ended up getting into her Jeep. She was tired of feeling nostalgic and actually wanted to do something for herself. As minuscule as grabbing snacks from the gas station down the street was, it still felt out of the ordinary for her. Special.

Dina was sitting on the couch when the pair slunk into the house, walking on their tip toes in the hopes that the creaking wooden floors wouldn’t wake up JJ. Ellie froze in the entryway, green eyes wide as she took in the female’s crossed arms and death-glare. She was in trouble, which meant that Jesse was in trouble as well by association.

“Do you know what time it is?” Dina whisper-yelled, throwing her arm in the direction of the clock on the wall.

Ellie squinted her one good eye, noting that it was now four in the morning. She’d lost three hours. She should have been passed out on her prescribed sleeping pills by now, plagued by vivid nightmares. Instead she was intruding on her two best friends, and for what? ‘A pack of beer’, she reminded herself. A god damn pack of fuckin’ beer.

Ellie’s mouth went dry, her lips moving but no words escaping her. How many times had she apologized to Dina since she’d gotten home after the accident? Still, her best friend’s anger was better than Jesse’s pity. The sleeves of Ellie’s flannel tightened around her biceps as she crossed her arms over her chest, mirroring Dina’s posture as if to protect herself. She slipped a hand up, covering her neck anxiously.

“I’m getting better, D. I’ll schedule an emergency meeting with my therapist and-” Ellie sounded pathetic, even to her own ears.

What she was doing couldn’t be called living. Ellie was simply existing and not doing a very good job at it either. She was tired of being tired. She blinked her misty eyes, turning to face the kitchen. She refused to cry. Once she started she couldn’t be sure that she’d be able to stop.

Jesse and Dina’s shoes were all neatly laid out by the front door and JJ’s baby bag was sitting on the dining room table. This was a family that she had just burdened. Her eyes snagged on JJ’s highchair, and then the guilt was building right back up in her chest.

Guilt and jealousy.

Ellie had once had hopes of starting her own family eventually. When did she lose her grasp on that? On her lifelong dreams and aspirations? She wanted to help people- save people- so when had she become the one that needed saving? The marines hadn’t ruined Ellie. Ellie had ruined Ellie.

“No, you’re not.” Dina said simply, her voice sounding thick with emotion. “Ellie, look at me.” Her voice was commanding despite her sadness.

Ellie’s eyes fell to the floor, but she turned her head to face Dina, green eyes flickering up to her face. Bottom lip quivering, brown eyes misty- Dina looked miserable.

“You’re not getting better.” She whispered to Ellie, shaking her head to drive the point home. It looked like the words physically hurt for her to say.

Every excuse that she could have given dissipated. Suddenly she felt naked, utterly exposed. Every nasty, jagged scar was on full display. How many times had she said that to the people that cared about her?

“I’m getting better.” “I actually feel a bit better today.” “You don’t have to worry about me. The meds are really working this time.” Ellie wasn’t sure when it happened but she had become a liar. A damn good one too. Dina was looking at her now though, really looking at her, and Ellie’s face crumpled.

“Fuck.” Ellie whispered to herself, moving her hands to cover her face.

Jesse stepped behind Ellie, wrapping his arms around her tightly, resting his cheek on the top of her head. A sob caught in Ellie’s chest and she strangled it before it could escape her. She couldn’t lose it. She couldn’t let her shoulders sag, couldn’t allow herself to feel everything in front of her best friends.

“I called Joel,” Dina finally said, leaning against the back of the couch, her knuckles going white with how hard she gripped the leather. “And he bought you a plane ticket. You’re flying out tomorrow.”

“No,” Ellie was already shaking her head before Dina had even finished her sentence. “How could you do this?” She felt the betrayal like a slap in the face. Her lips parted, eyes wide in silent desperation.

Please let this be a nightmare.

Her hand desperately flew to her arm, giving it a sharp pinch. The floor didn’t fall out from under her. She didn’t sit up sweating in her tangled sheets. This was actually happening. Actually real.

“You’re flailing, Ellie. We thought that eventually you’d level out,” Dina tried, taking a few steps towards Ellie and her husband. “But you’re only getting worse.”

“I’m getting better.” The well rehearsed line was the only thing she could think to utter. She prayed that eventually she could convince herself of that too. If she said the words enough times then maybe, eventually, they would become her reality. Perhaps she could somehow manifest her recovery.

“When was the last time you ate a solid meal? You barely touched your plate the other night. And I know you aren’t eating the food that Jesse drops off for you.” Dina was pointing out her flaws as if she didn’t see them all herself.

A full stomach meant nausea.

“When was the last time you showered?” The dark haired girl questioned.

Showering meant closing herself up into a tight space. It meant getting naked- seeing her scars. Remembering what happened to her and the rest of her unit.

“We know how this will end, Ellie. I don’t care if you hate me for the rest of my life for calling Joel. I refuse to lose you like this.” Dina’s voice quivered as she spoke, but her eyes hardened. She was resolute about her decision.

Jesse’s arms tightened around Ellie and suddenly they no longer felt like a comfort but a prison. She needed air. Needed to call Joel and apologize. Needed to tell him that she was fine. She was fine. She would be just fine.

“I can’t breathe.” Ellie managed to whisper out, knees buckling from underneath her. It felt like the world was finally swallowing her up whole.

She was a failure. She’d failed Jesse, Dina, JJ and Joel. Why couldn’t she just be normal again? Why couldn’t she just fucking breathe.

Jesse let go of Ellie as she began gasping for air, helping to sit her down on the cold hardwood floor. It felt like everything around her had slowed down to a crawl, but her mind- it had sped up to a breakneck pace. She couldn’t turn it off. Couldn’t turn off the thoughts and the images and the feelings.

She’d killed her unit. It was her fault that they all died. They had all been taken home in body bags, and what had Ellie gotten? A fucking government issued check every month that she blew on booze and a Purple Heart that collected dust.

“D, get the medication that’s in the cabinet and a glass of water.” Jesse called out to his wife. It sounded like they were underwater. She was drowning.

“She’s ripping her fucking hair out, Jesse.” Dina called out in panic, rifling through the medicine cabinet with shaky hands. Her best friend gripped her wrists, forcing them back down to her sides. Strands of Auburn hair were tangled up between her clammy fingers.

JJ must have woken up because of the comotion. She could hear him crying from the other room. Screaming for his mother.

Blood. So much blood. It’s coming out of her mouth, what do I do? What do I do about internal bleeding again? Wasn’t I trained for this? Breathe. She’s not breathing. Are there other landmines? Can I drag her to safety? Where is everyone else? H-How. . . How can I help?

“Swallow, Ellie.” Dina was crouched in front of her, forcing her lips open to slide a pill onto her tongue.

“It was my fault. I-I fucking,” She choked out, gagging at the taste of the pill that was beginning to dissolve on her tongue. “I led them out there. Oh, fuck.”

Dina was beginning to panic, pushing the plastic cup up to Ellie’s mouth in the hopes that she would drink. She did, choking back the water in deep gulps. The water helped to fill the aching pit that was beginning to grow in her stomach. Water poured down the sides of Ellie’s lips, but she kept drinking. Deep, thoughtful gulps of ice cold water.

“Should I call an ambulance?” Dina finally asked, her eyes flickering between Ellie and her husband.

“No. No hospital. Just go sit with JJ, alright? I’ve got her.” Jesse told her, letting go of Ellie’s hands so that he could wrap an arm around her waist, hugging her against his chest so that she couldn’t stand up.

Ellie blinked and Dina was gone, the sound of her bare feet jogging down the hall was the only reminder of her presence.

“Joel isn’t going to judge you, Ellie. We all just want to help. So let us, alright?” She knew he was telling the truth, but the thought of Joel seeing her as lesser-than killed her. She would crumble completely if Joel looked at her with the same sorrowful eyes that Jesse did.

Joel was newly retired though, and the last thing he needed was to put up with his PTSD-ridden adopted daughter. She was tired of feeling like a burden, but where had standing on her own two feet gotten her? Arrested on multiple occasions? So she relented. She surrendered to the idea of sleeping in her old bedroom and taking up space in Joel’s too-big ranch home.

“Okay.” Ellie croaked, feeling the medication kicking in. Sleep. All Ellie wanted to do was sleep.

“Okay?” Jesse repeated back to her, needing to know that she was serious. The last thing he probably wanted to do was wrestle Ellie onto the plane. He wasn’t entirely sure he could overpower her when it came down to it.

“Okay.”

Grief was an uphill battle. One minute you’re laughing with your friends and then the next you’re laid up in bed, tossing and turning with the realization that what could have been was now an impossibility. You missed Abby. You missed the life that you could have had with her. All of the memories and milestones you missed out on were soul crushing the second that the sun went down.

You were left in your empty house, laid up in the bed that the two of you once shared. Her scent had long since washed out of her pillow. All that was left were pictures and a gravesite that you still couldn’t bring yourself to visit. Life doesn’t stop when you lose somebody though. People eventually become less forgiving as the months pass by.

So you squeezed your eyes closed and hoped that sleep would come sooner rather than later. You had an early start tomorrow for work, and the last thing you wanted was to show up with puffy eyes.

Life was getting better though. The pain wasn't as debilitating as it had been months ago, and for that you were thankful.

One step at a time, one day at a time.

You were still breathing, which was exactly what Abby would have wanted for you. The overwhelming grief hadn't killed you, no matter how many times you'd secretly prayed that it would. You were still here and that was good enough.

For now, at least.

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[flemingsfreckles]

Koala

Synopsis: you surprise your girlfriend at her game after not seeing each other for almost 3 months

Warnings: none this is soft and fluffy

WC: 1.2k

A/N: okay this is inspired off the fact that this woman loves jumping into her teammates arms as celebration, so I wanted to write a little blurb about it.

It wasn’t easy sneaking around Jessie. The girl was too smart, she knew you too well. You also hated lying to her, but sometimes you had to. It was less lying, and more withholding information about your plans and your whereabouts.

She didn’t know you were in Montréal, she didn’t even know you were in Canada. But you were, you had managed to take the flight from London to New York, scheduling it for when you knew your girlfriend would be asleep and unsuspecting of your lack of cell service. You had then sent her a casual good morning text, she suspected nothing.

You hadn’t seen Jessie in ten weeks. You had visited her in Portland shortly after her move but only stayed for a few days before you had to return to London for work. Leaving her was the hardest thing you’d ever done. Walking through the airport doors and looking back to see her bawling in the front seat of her car was the most gut wrenching sight. You had almost quit your job at that moment.

But you couldn’t quit your job, that wasn’t realistic. You know you would move in with Jessie eventually, the two of you had already lived together shortly in London, but with her career, the potential of her moving in the future, you weren’t sure where the two of you would end up so you stayed in London at your stable job for now. Except you weren’t in London anymore, you had taken a week off from work to come watch Jessie play two friendlies before getting to spend the rest of the week with her at her childhood home. Jessie didn’t know that of course, she knew she was playing two games and then getting to have a break at home.

It was easier to avoid Jessie on a game day. It was typical that you wouldn’t hear from Jessie until after the game with the exception of maybe a good morning text, she was busy, captains meetings, team meetings, warm ups, practice, pregame, team meals, it took up a lot of her time, and you knew that. It just so happened that while you usually miss her more on game days, having less communication, it was the perfect excuse to avoid texting her.

When you left your hotel that morning you had thrown on your Canada jersey, an old one of Jessie’s, a pair of jeans, a hat, and sunglasses. You planned to stay hidden, undercover, until the game was over, you didn’t want to distract Jessie with the surprise, so it seemed like the best option.

Ashley was the only person at the game who knew you were there. The two of you had met through Jessie and had become quick friends, you had simply sent her a photo of your boarding pass with the text ‘Don’t tell Jess.”. She promised she wouldn’t and expressed her excitement for you.

You started to feel nerves as you made your way to your seat, a bubble of excitement in your stomach. You didn’t know how you were going to be able to sit through 90 minutes with your girlfriend just feet away from you, but you figured it out. You watched the game, mainly your eyes following Jessie around the field, paying less attention to any of the other players. It was weird not seeing her in weeks and then being so close to her without her even knowing.

The game ended Canada up 1-0, you watched as your girlfriend made her way toward Janine and the two of them started to make their lap around, thanking the fans. That’s when Ashley took the chance to come over to you, waving you down and helping you over the railing onto the field.

She gives you a quick hug before putting you behind her. “Just follow me.” She says before walking off in the direction you assumed your girlfriend was. You removed your sunglasses and the hat you put on, not needing a disguise anymore. You followed Ashley as she brought you to the middle of the pitch.

“Stay there.” She said before taking a few steps away from you. She pointed in the direction of Jessie who was gathering her things from the bench. “Jessie!” She shouted.

You watched as your girlfriend picked up her head quickly turning to face where her name had been shouted. She threw her hands up questioning what Ashley wanted, clearly not paying attention to you standing next to her. It made you laugh, your girlfriend was usually so observant, but leave it to her to not notice you standing there. Helping the poor girl, Ashley turned, her arms stuck out in your direction as if she was presenting you to Jessie.

You watched Jessie’s jaw drops, along with everything in her hands, her phone, water bottle, shoes, coat all thrown to the ground. Janine turns at the sudden crash of all her belongings, looking and seeing you. Suddenly Jessie was sprinting at you, full speed, her arms out in your direction. As she got closer you could see the giant grin on her face and suddenly she was lunging at you, jumping and clinging to you. You stumbled back a few steps before regaining your balance. Jessie grabbed you tightly, her legs wrapping around your midsection as her arms looped around your neck, she held herself up for a moment before your arms wrapped around supporting her back and butt.

The two of you just stayed there for a moment, taking in the feeling of being back in each other's arms, her tight hold on you and the way you squeezed her impossibly closer into your chest. She had her face tucked into your neck, your chin rested on her shoulder.

“You’ve got yourself a koala.” Vanessa says from behind you, referring to how Jessie is clinging to you. “Good to see you by the way.” She says before patting your back and walking away.

“Oh my god.” You heard Jessie murmur into your neck. She had been silent since jumping onto you. “What are you doing here?”

“I was just in town, figured I’d say hi.” You jokingly say back to her. She releases the hold her legs have around your waist and puts them back on the ground, leaving her arms around your neck, pulling you slightly over as she stands looking up at you.

“You’re here.” She’s got tears in her eyes as she blinks up at you.

“I’m here.” You nod, knowing your eyes looked similar to hers, overwhelmed with the emotions that were rushing through your body. Feeling Jessie’s body under your hands, hearing her voice, the smell of her sweaty kit, it all held so much meaning behind it, so much worth to you, you loved this woman more than anything.

You bend down, placing a quick kiss to Jessie’s cheek, knowing she wasn’t a big fan of PDA you withhold your desire to have your lips on hers. Hearing an ‘awwww’ from the side you turn to see a handful of Jessie’s teammates looking at the two of you.

“Shut up.” Jessie says as she tucks her head into your side, hiding the obvious blush she had.

“Oh please Jess, you two are cute.” Ashley says. The two of you pull apart and you tell Jessie you’ll wait for her at her car before heading out so she can finish her postgame routine. You can’t help but smile to yourself when you hear Vanessa teasing Jessie as you walk away.

“You’re just like a little koala.”

She probably wasn’t going to live that nickname down anytime soon and you knew you’d be to blame but you really didn’t care, letting her jump into your arms was the best feeling on earth.

[xetlynn]

Until Dawn- By Your Side: Chapter Two, Promise

(Joshua Washington X Reader)

[One] [Two] [Three]

“I hope this was the right thing to do.” Sam quietly says, it seemed like it was supposed to be to herself. Chris and I give her a confused expression. “What?” He questions.

“You know, getting everyone together on the anniversary.” She explains further. “I mean Josh seemed really pumped about us all doing something didn’t he.” She starts but it was more of a question in the back of her mind. I just look at her with the same expression I’ve held. “Yeah, no, he definitely did.” Chris assures her. “I haven’t seen him so excited about something in… forever.” He continues, Sam looks at me to see if that’s true and I nod my head. “Good, good.”

“It’s hard to tell with him, and I’ve kinda been worried. Only hearing updates through [Name] or you.” Sam tells the blond as I notice her avoiding eye contact with me. I mean she has every right to feel worried about him but why is she acting sort of weird with me right now. “No, no, it was a good idea.” He tells her.

“I hope everybody else feels the same way.” She whispers. “we’re here aren’t we?” I add in, leaning back. “Well thanks bros, good talk.” She playfully punches both of us. “You know what? Let’s just stop talking about what happened and enjoy the trip.” Chris suddenly tells us. “You know what? You’re right.” Sam sighs.

“You know how Josh and I met?” He switches the subject and I smile, remembering it’s because of me that we all met. “No…?”

“Ok, [Name] became my friend in second grade. Neither of us remember how or when that happened but suddenly we were just friends. In third grade Josh sat in the back of the room, I sat in the front and [Name] was also in the back with Josh. She instantly talked with him and they became friends but somehow Josh and I never knew each other existed. But the kid sitting on the other side of him started strap snapping the training bra on the girl in front of him so the teacher made him move to the front- where I was sitting.” He smiles, and I lean back, listening even though I lived through it. It’s nice to hear. “Okay, so?” Sam asks.

“So I got moved to the back!” He exclaims. “And?”

“And next to Josh, that’s how we met! And us three became friends. To this day. Well [Name] and Josh a bit more than friends now.” He chuckles, pushing me closer to Sam and I roll my eyes, shoving him back. “A match made in heaven.” Sam smirks, “Josh and Chris definitely are.” I say, laughing. Chris scoffs.

“If it weren’t for the fact that Jeanie Simmonds hit puberty like three years early and on that day decided to wear a low cut shirt that showed off her training bra. I mean who knows? You could be riding in this cable car alone or with just [Name].” He pulls out a hypothetical and I shake my head. “Right now. Or talking to some other person or persons entirely. Boom: Butterfly effect.” He does a mic drop motion with his hand. “You’re so dramatic, Chris.” I sigh.

The cable car gets to our destination and we climb out. We try to open the door but it doesn’t budge. It had been a couple minutes of trying to get the stupid thing to open. “Jessica, over here!” Sam suddenly calls and I stay in the back after hearing my sister’s name. We were supposed to come here together but after I found out she’s going after Mike, we had a huge argument and I want nothing to do with her. “Uh… are you guys having a really weird stroke?” Jess asks them.

“We’re stuck in this stupid thing.” Chris answers her. “Can you please let us out? Pretty please?” Sam asks.

“Jess, don’t play a dumb prank either, just hurry up.” I tell her, annoyed. She ignores me and presses the button, letting us out. “Oh, my God. I thought we were goners. Another ten minutes in there and I would have chewed off my own leg.” Chris exasperates. “Aw, sick, Chris.” Sam mutters. “Like I said before, you’re dramatic.” I fold my arms over my chest. “Look I got a lot of meat on my bones. This is all muscle down here.” He explains and I just walk away from them. I hear them talk about Jessica having a crush on Mike. Jessica telling them about how she’s with him.

I take my phone out and text my boyfriend. Wondering if he’s got everything set up. I don’t get a response though.

I walk behind everyone as we make our way up to the lodge until I find my way back to Chris and Sam who’s weirdly being quiet. “Chugger gonna make her big come back this weekend?” He asks me and I glare up at him. “Again with this?” I groan, both of us stop walking and I place my hands on my hips as I stand in front of him. “I’m just saying Josh found her pretty hot.” He puts his hands up defensively.

“Chris, we’re 20 years old now, Chugger no longer exists. Plus Josh still finds me hot. Obviously because we’re dating.” I scrunch my nose, irritated on this being a conversation once again. He goes to say something but has a smirk tied to his lips, I glance to Sam who was looking behind me.

Suddenly arms wrap around my waist and I’m lifted up into the air. I let out a squeal, kicking my feet. “Woah!” I get placed back on the ground and then spun around.

“Hello, my beautiful darling.” It was Josh, he pulls me into his arms and I hear him sniff my hair. I let out a laugh. “Hi, my love.” I look up and he kiss my lips. “Where have you been?” I ask him.

“Oh you know, around. Setting everything up. Or at least trying to.” He frowns. “Hm, I tried texting you.” I pull away from him.

“Sorry, haven’t really been on it much with all the running around.” He rubs the back of his head. I stare at him, my face scrunched with confusion. He’s acting weird. He gives me a wink and I roll my eyes.

We get to the stairs of the lodge.

“Man I feel like this mountain gets bigger every time I climb it.” Chris complains, he keeps walking behind me and kicking the heel of my shoe. “Oh yeah? Feels the same to me.” Josh says, grabbing my hand. “Oh come on, you grew up here. It probably feels like it’s shrinking.” Chris huffs.

“I guess that’s true.” Josh smiles, squeezing my hand. “When are you gonna install some cell towers up here? I’m getting withdrawals already.” The blond criticizes the mountain, lifting his phone in the air to try to get some sort of service.

“You got a spare million lying around and I’ll fix you right up.” Josh jokes, chuckling to himself and I smile. “Funny you should say that…” He checks his pockets as we start walking once again. “Ah I think I left it in my other jacket.” Chris points back. “Oops.” Josh shrugs. “Darn, that sucks.” I snap my fingers.

“Hey guys… Get up here okay?” Josh questions the rest of the group ahead of us.

“Yeah… well, more or less. But it’s so good to see you!” Ashley smiles to my boyfriend and then makes eye contact with me, giving a big grin. I’ve always loved Ashley. She’s a sweetheart. I’m iffy about her after the prank but Josh keeps telling me the twins would’ve wanted me to forgive them. It feels like I should be telling him that. In the beginning his anger was strong…

“Sup with him?” Josh motions to an upset looking Matt. Matt just looks away, I let out a breath. “Let’s just get inside.” I whisper, tugging Josh to come up the stairs.

“Yo yo yo! Are we gonna get things moving up here or what?” Chris asks Josh. “Yeah man!” He smiles.

He grips my hand once again and I look up at him. Wondering why he keeps doing that. “Hey… you doin’ alright?” Our friend gets serious, my eyes soften and lean closer into my boyfriend. Wanting to know the same thing even though I’m with him so much. His mind can go everywhere sometimes. “I mean I know it must be really tough without your sis-“

“Stop.” Josh warns him, letting go of my hand. “I just meant that-“

“No I know what you meant. You know seriously I’m over it and I just want us to have a good time, you know? Like we always used to.” Josh turns away from us and I frown, I know he’s not okay. I don’t know why he said he’s over it. He doesn’t have to be over it.

Chris nods his head though, “Right, Chugger could come out like she used to. But she won’t budge through this facade.” Chris pokes my side.

“Shut up about the Chugger thing already.” I throw my head back, jokingly gripping my head. “If my lady says no Chugger, that means no Chugger, sir.” Josh points a finger in our best friend’s face with a smile. Turning back around to try and open the door. “Dammit, this freaking thing.” He curses.

“It’s iced?” I ask. “What else.”

“Maybe there’s another way in.” Chris suggests. “There are a million ways in. They’re just all locked.” Josh continues to try with the door. “There’s gotta be, like, a window round the corner we can get like, get open or something.” Chris tells my boyfriend who stands up straighter at his idea.

“Wait a second, are you saying we should break in?” He questions Chris. “I don’t think it’s technically breaking in if you own the place, right?” Chris laughs.

“Hey, not if I don’t report you.” Josh jokes, making our friend nervous. “Lead the way, Cochise!” He motions him to go back down the stairs.

Once we get down Chris talks to Ashley. Josh and I watching the scene, his hand finds his way back to mine and I feel a kiss on my jawline. “I missed you.” He whispers in my ear and I smile. “I saw you three days ago.” I keeps my eyes looking ahead of me. “Three days too long.” He pulls me closer to him, kissing my neck making me laugh because it tickles.

“All right, all right, love birds. Keep it moving!” Chris orders us, shooing at us like we were cattle or a flock of birds. Instead of arguing we move it. Wanting to get inside. “Ashley was looking pretty hot today, right?” I teasingly ask the blond.

“Yeah if you don’t hit I’m sure Mike will get on that case.” Josh tells him, I pinch his hand, thinking that was a little too far. “Hey, cut it out you two.” Chris shakes his head but doesn’t lock eye contact with us. “Re-laaax I’m just checkin’ to see if there’s some blood flowin’ down there.” Josh laughs. “Tsk yeah…”

“Listen dude. Look around you. Look at these beautiful mountains. Do you see any parents?” Josh even takes a glance around him as he instructed our friend to do the same. “I mean can you imagine a more perfect, ripe scenario, just dripping with erotic possibilities? You, and Ashley, alone at last…” Josh makes up a hypothetical and I can see how these two are best friends. “You’ve laid all the groundwork… you’ve been a perfect gentleman. Now you come in for the kill!” Josh dramatically tells him. I let out a sigh at this awful conversation.

“Maybe you’re right.” Chris smiles.

“You’re a hunter bro. No fear. No mercy. I mean she won’t even know what hit her.” We walk around him and start back up to get to another way inside the lodge. “Alright, alright. I got it. Jeez.”

“You’re gross, Joshua.” I gently push him, he snickers pushing my back but we’re still holding hands. “You know I’m only messing.” He stops us to kiss me on the lips before continuing again.

“So how are we planning on breaking in to my parents lodge, bud?” Josh asks Chris. “Wait, I didn’t say I had a plan-“

“You sounded like you had a plan.” I chime in, Josh hums, agreeing with me. “You better deliver, Cochise, or else you got five lovely ladies who are gonna be freezing their bus off and last time I checked, that’s not a good way to get laid.” Josh tells him, playfully squeezing my hand and I scoff.

“All you think about is your penis.” I mumble. “Mm, maybe.” He whispers back to me. “well shoot, nobody likes cool buns.” Chris says.

Chris walks over to where an emergency axe should be but he lets out a disappointing sounding “oh.” Then he goes over to a cupboard? “Well well well. We got ourselves a thinker. Nice one.” Josh pats the thing, letting go of my hand. They push it over to the closest window. I watch them do the work.

“Who’s gonna get in there first?” Chris jokingly asks us. I shrug my shoulders. “if you want, I can do it.” I offer but Josh immediately pulls me back shaking his head in disagreement. “No, no, let Chris go.” He tells me, I look to Chris who waves it off. Climbing on the thing.

He lifts the window open and climbs inside the building. We hear a thud and him groan afterwards. I wince. “C’mon.” Josh lifts himself up and then helps me beside him but there’s barely any room. “Ugh, I’m okay!” Chris moans. “I should’ve pain more attention in climbing class…” He talks to himself. “You mean gym?” Josh furrows his brows as I laugh.

“Yeah, you know, with the climbing up the rope.” He stands up from the ground and then the light in the room shatters. “whoa.” Josh steps back, I almost slip but I catch myself. “Did I do that?” Chris asks.

“I don’t… I don’t think so. Here, use this.” Josh throws him a lighter. “Whoa- Chris, I just got an awesome idea.”

“Yeah?”

“Totally!”

“Well what is it?” Chris asks, looking up to us. “Okay. So I am pretty sure that I’ve got some deodorant in one of the bathrooms… you could use that with the lighter.” Josh tells him. “I don’t follow. How’s a stick of deodorant gonna help?”

“Spray on. It’s a can.” Josh corrects him. “Ohhh yeah, now I gotcha. “Flamethrower.”

“Just like we do with the lil army dudes.” Chris excitedly remembers and I wince at the memory. The smell of the plastic burning in my nose. “Yup. The ones we melted. Just point the spray-can at the lighter and Fwoosh!” Josh flings his arms up, almost knocking me before he grabbed onto my waist quickly. “Bye-bye frozen lock.” Chris chuckles. “Bingo.” Josh looks to the side. “Alright, so you got this. I’m gonna go sort something out- you up for hunting around in the dark for a little bit?” He asks Chris, I’m confused on what he has to sort out.

“Nope. But I’ll do it.” The blond shrugs. “Godspeed pil’grim.” Josh salutes to him before jumping down and then motioning for me to get on his back. “In the snow?” I nervously ask.

“Yes, I got you.” He says. “I… okay.” I slowly get onto his back and I feel his hands grip my thighs immediately. He makes his way back to the front of the lodge. Sam and Ashley were still sitting there. “I gotta go do something, I’ll be back.” He pats my thigh and I jump down.

“Joshua, where are you going?” I ask him in a quiet tone, we were a few feet away from the stairs still. “Just a sorting out a surprise for everyone.” He doesn’t look me in the eye and I fold my arms across my chest. “You’re acting strange, love.” I tell him.

“I’ll tell you later, I promise.” He puts his hands on my hips, pulling me closer to him. “You promise?” I raise my brows, he smiles. “Of course.” He gives me a long kiss before letting me go.

I go over to Ashley and Sam who are huddled up together. “Where’s Chris?” Ashley asks and I laugh. “He’s in the house, gonna open the door for us.” I inform them, sitting with them.

“Where’d Josh head to?” Sam speaks up and I glance off to the direction he was heading. “Um, I don’t actually know. He told me he would tell me later.” I frown, now feeling myself getting colder. “Weird.” She mumbles.

“Let’s go over to the door so we can get that fire started as soon as possible.” I pat both of them and we stand up. Walking up the stairs to the front door.

Masterlist

J. W. Masterlist

Taglist: If you want to be added lmk!

@my1fx

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[nahoney22]

Hello happy today.

I just read all of your Rex x reader smut oneshots and damn it was sooooooo good,

so I would like to ask if you want to write a Rex x fem!reader with some smutty smut😉 where reader wears a long silky dress and Rex is head over heels for her when she wears it. reader can be a jedi or Senator you decide .

Hope you want to do it and if you don't want to thats totally fine.

Thank you if you do and if you don't thanks for the other storys with rex, ima go read the other ones now.

Bye.

Nightcap*** 🌊

🫧 Pairings: Captain Rex X SenatorFemale!Reader

word count: 1.9k

prompts: none

When Anakin assigns Rex to a new task, he didn’t expect he would be looking after a Senator. He also didn’t expect to fall in love with you either.

Warnings: NSFW, 18+ only. Explicit sexual content and language, senate female reader who is wearing a long silky dress (you decide the colour), flirting, Rex gets jealous, minor alcohol consumption, mutual pining, forbidden relationship, friends to lovers, cunnilingus, heavily implied sex.

Sorry for the wait @msblacklupin , enjoy 🩵🌊

Captain Rex stood at attention as his General, Anakin, briefed him on his new assignment: To personally protect the newly appointed Galactic Senator. Rex’s jaw tightened at the task at first. Babysitting a politician wasn’t exactly what he signed up for. However, orders were orders, and he would see it through—no matter how tedious.

But when Rex first met you, the senator in question, his thoughts shifted unexpectedly. You weren’t the stuffy, self-absorbed type he had expected. No, you were something entirely different—warm, kind, and genuinely interested in the people around you. And beautiful. Rex found it hard to ignore just how beautiful you were, though he kept such thoughts to himself.

It was actually starting to annoy him.

Even when his brothers, Jesse and Fives to be precise, nudged and teased him about what he thought of you, he remained tight-lipped, refusing to indulge their curiosity.

As the days turned into weeks, Rex began to appreciate more than just your looks. You were smart, compassionate, and refreshingly authentic. You listened to the clones’ stories, asked about their lives, and treated them with respect.

The moment he knew you were special was when he came with you during a Senate meeting. He stood quietly by your side, witnessing as you passionately defended the clones’ right to continue serving. Another senator had suggested phasing them out, referring to them as mere tools of war. But you weren’t having it.

“Tools?” you’d snapped, voice firm and unwavering. “These men are individuals with thoughts, feelings, and rights. If you can’t see that, then you don’t deserve to represent them—or anyone.”

His chest tightened with a swell of emotion he rarely allowed himself to feel. You weren’t just defending clones; you were defending him. It was a level of care he wasn’t used to receiving, especially from someone in such power.

As the days passed, your bond with Rex deepened and it was safe to say the two of you were friends. But, he was also falling for you. Foolishly.

He didn’t realise it at first but when he found himself lingering a little longer during conversations, savouring the moments when you laughed or smiled, he knew he was in trouble.

At night, alone, he would tell himself it’s just a minor crush, something a lot of clones had on Jedi’s or Senator’s who respected them. But you were hard to ignore. Especially after the night of a Galactic Ball.

Assigned to escort you, and though he tried to remain focused on his duty, his breath caught in his throat when you stepped out in your gown. The floor-length, slinky dress shimmered like liquid silk, clinging to every curve. You were stunning in a way that nearly made him forget himself.

“You okay Cap?” You asked through the mirror as you slide your earrings in, noticing him watching you.

“Yes.” He clears his throat and also his gaze, “Never better Senator.”

As you made your rounds at the ball, engaging in tedious conversations with politicians and whoever else, Rex stood close by, vigilant. But beneath his stern exterior, he couldn’t help but feel the twinge of something more—a subtle possessiveness and jealousy when others gave you rather appreciative glances. He told himself it was just his job, but deep down, he knew it was something else entirely.

After hours of enduring the ball, you turned to Rex, your eyes pleading for an escape. “I’ve had enough of this,” you whispered. “Would you mind accompanying me back to my quarters? We could have a nightcap?”

Rex hesitated, torn between protocol and the unspoken pull you had on him. “I shouldn’t. I’m on duty.”

But your smile, soft and inviting, melted his resolve. “Just for a little while? I could use the company.”

You sink into the plush, teal couch in your quarters, a sigh of relief escaping your lips as the opulent surroundings offer a sharp contrast to the exhaustion etched in your posture. "Those grand balls can be a bit much for me," you murmur, kicking off your heels and letting them clatter to the floor.

Rex, ever observant, watches you with quiet appreciation. "They do seem... exhausting," he agrees. He strides over to the small bar, picking up a crystal decanter of Corellian whiskey. "Would you like a drink, Senator?"

You glance at him and nod gratefully. "Please. And pour one for yourself too, Captain. You've been on duty all evening; you deserve it."

He arches an eyebrow, but a small smile tugs at the corners of his lips. Rex pours two drinks, the amber liquid swirling in the glasses, before handing one to you. He takes a seat beside you, maintaining a respectful yet comfortable distance.

"You know," Rex begins, taking a sip and fixing you with his sharp gaze, "this life suits you. The grandeur, the politics, the elegance; it all fits you perfectly."

You chuckle softly, shaking your head as you take a sip. "It's ironic you say that. I come from very humble beginnings. My upbringing was far from grand or luxurious; my family scraped by, making ends meet wherever they could." Your gaze grows distant, lost in past memories. "Sometimes, I feel like I don't belong.”

Rex's brow furrows in concern, his focus entirely on you. "I never would have guessed," he says sincerely. "You carry yourself with such grace and strength. No one would ever suspect you came from anything less than this." He gestures to the elegant surroundings.

A small smile tugs at your lips, warmed by his compliment. "It's all just a facade, though. Half the time, I’m questioning if I’m doing the right thing. These politics, the decisions… There's always doubt, this fear that I'm not enough."

Your voice wavers slightly, and Rex instinctively shifts closer, closing some of the distance between you. His gaze is intense, his expression softening as he tries to reassure you. "You're more than enough," he says, his tone firm with conviction. "I've seen how you fight for what's right, how much you care about people—not just those in power, but everyone. That's rare, and it's exactly what this galaxy needs."

Your eyes meet his, and for a moment, the world outside seems to fall away. The air between you thickens, charged with something more than just friendly concern. Reaching for your drinks at the same time, your hands brush as you both reach for the same glass. You laugh softly, trying to play it off. "Oops, my mistake."

But the brief touch sends a spark through you, one that's hard to ignore. Rex’s gaze lingers on you, his usual composure cracking slightly as he takes in the sight of you. Your dress has ridden up slightly as you crossed your legs, revealing more of your thigh. His eyes flick downward, betraying his deeper interest.

Flirting bubbles up naturally, your voice taking on a teasing lilt. "Captain, are you sure you're not getting distracted? I noticed the way you were watching me earlier, in the mirror while I was getting ready."

Rex flushes slightly but doesn't shy away. "You looked... incredible. It was hard not to watch." His voice grows more serious, almost reverent. "I admire you more than I can say. You're strong, intelligent, and beautiful. Desirable, even."

The word slips out before he can stop it, and you raise an eyebrow, amused. "Desirable, huh?" you echo, leaning in closer, your voice dropping to a whisper. "Just how desirable do you think I am?"

Rex swallows, clearly conflicted, but the attraction between you both is undeniable. His resolve falters as you reach out, taking his hand and guiding it to the silky fabric of your dress. "Go on," you murmur, your tone a mix of challenge and invitation. "You can touch."

His hand rests on your waist, fingers splayed over the smooth fabric as he pulls you closer. The tension finally snaps, and suddenly, his lips are on yours, the kiss fierce and hungry. There’s a moment of hesitation as he pulls back, guilt flashing in his eyes. "I'm breaking so many protocols right now," he mutters, breathless.

You smile, cupping his cheek, feeling the roughness of his stubble under your fingertips. "So am I, Captain. But it’s worth it, don’t you think?"

That’s all the encouragement Rex needs. He leans back in, his mouth crashing onto yours with a desperation that’s been building for weeks. The kiss is intense, a mixture of longing and release, his hands roaming your body as yours eagerly strip away his uniform. Piece by piece, his armor falls away until he's left in just his blacks.

You giggle as you’re pulled onto his lap, your dress pooling around you. His lips move from your mouth down to your neck, trailing heated and precise kisses along your skin, each one sending shivers down your spine.

“Rex…” you breathe out, your voice filled with need as your fingers graze over his blond buzzed hair.

He groans your name in response, the sound vibrating against your collarbone as he moves lower. Before you can process what’s happening, he gently eases himself down onto the floor. His large hands part your legs, and with a smoldering look, he hooks his fingers under your dress, pushing it higher until it’s bunched around your waist.

“You’re so beautiful,” he murmurs, his voice rough with desire as he kneels between your legs, the sight of you as he tucked your dampened panties to the side, exposed infront of him.

He lowers his head, his mouth descending onto your most sensitive spot. The sensation is electric—his tongue and lips working against your folds with a mix of precision and passion that makes your back arch. You moan his name, your fingers landing on the back of his head as you guide him all the while he devours you with an intensity that leaves you gasping for breath. “Mmm, you taste wonderful.”

Rex holds nothing back, lost in the taste of you, the sound of your pleasure driving him to give more. He alternates between soft licks and firm pressure, his hands gripping your thighs to keep you exactly where he wants you. The world around you blurs, the worries of your job fading as the only thing grounding you was the steady rhythm of his mouth and the overwhelming pleasure building inside you.

Your hips start to buck involuntarily, desperate for more as the tension coils tighter. “Rex, I’m so close,” you gasp out, your voice shaking as your body begins to tremble.

He doesn’t stop, he doesn’t think he would be able to.

Doubling down on his efforts as his brown eyes bore into yours, his tongue flicks in just the right way that sends you spiralling over the edge. Your climax crashes through you, your legs clamping around his head as you cry out in ecstasy. “F-Fuck!” You cry, body shaking.

Rex keeps going until he’s wrung every last tremor from you, only pulling back when you’re completely spent. He looks up at you, his lips slick, eyes dark with a mix of satisfaction and lingering desire. His hands gently stroke your thighs as you catch your breath, still trembling from the intensity.

When you finally regain your composure, you pull him up, capturing his mouth in a deep, languid kiss, tasting yourself on his lips. “I want more,” you whisper against his mouth, your tone both needy and commanding.

Rex grins, his voice low and full of promise. “Then I’ll give you everything I’ve got, Senator.”

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[hoe4sports]

It was always you

Jessie Fleming x reader

A/N: She’s long y’all

Warning: Divorce? None really

Summary: Post divorce, thinks have fallen into a rythm developing over the span of years. But one of you, falls out of that rythm and struggles keeping up.

Divorce. You couldn’t pinpoint exactly when it happened. Not the administrative part of the divorce with lawyers, documents, protocol and court; but the emotional part of the divorce. You had spent hours in the early stages of your divorce trying to figure out what went wrong, analysing every aspect of your relationship.

Sure, things had undoubly gotten tougher after adding a second child to the mix. But, the second child didn’t feel like the reason as to why the slipping apart had happened. Jessie had been the one to bring up the possibility of divorce; thinking it would solve all your problems. It was a civil divorce, you and your ex-wife only wanting the best for your children. Never talking bad about each other in front of the girls, never bringing new girlfriends into the family.

Your kids were happy, they felt loved and they were well taken care of. To you and Jessie, that was all that mattered. Your oldest, Lilly was a hopeless romantic. Even at 6 years old, she would beg her mom to buy flowers for you. It was one of the traits that she had gotten from Jessie. Your other daughter, Eden, had walked in her sister’s shoes, adapting her sister’s romantic trait into her own personality.

The agreement on the kids was easy, one week each, living in the same neighbourhood only 5 minutes apart for each other. It made the divorce easier on the kids, knowing that their other mom was right up the road. Every other holiday, and a few weeks each summer for travel was shared between the pair of you.

This particular day, you found yourself sitting outside on the front porch waiting for Jessie to drop the kids off. She had taken your 12 and 8 year old to Canada for some well needed family time. You didn’t mind, you had know Jessie’s family for years and they were the most welcoming group of people. They still invited you on vacations and Christmas, claiming that you were still family. It was funny, you and Jessie had both dated other girls in the span of time since the divorce. But, nothing had ever lasted.

When you saw Jessie’s car pulling up, you looked at your Golden retriever, Murphy and tapped his head. “Look Murph, the girls are home!” You cheered in your puppy voice. He was an old man now, 12 years old, but he was still young at heart.

When Eden hopped out, Murphy sprinted towards the driveway while wiggling his tail. “Murph! Mama!” Eden yelled while running towards you with only one shoe. She crashed into your legs and wrapped her arms around your frame. “I missed you mama” she whispered while squeezed your legs extra hard. “I missed you too doll” you comforted while rubbing her back before she slipped inside to find her Barbie dolls.

“Where is my teen?” You yelled out while your daughter very quietly walked towards you. She was moving into her “cool teenage” phase of her life, and she never wanted to do anything “uncool”.

“Hi mama” she said calmly once coming to greet you. You instantly wrapped her into a hug. “I missed you lots my little girl” you whispered into her hair before giving her kisses on her cheeks. “Okay, okay, I’m gonna go to my room and call Kennedy” she said while wiping off the kiss eager to talk to her bestfriend.

Jessie came up with the girls suitcases smiling with her cap on. “Hi, here’s their bags. Mom washed most of their clothes so it wouldn’t be too much on you” she stated while placing carrying the suitcases up the little stairs with Murphy in her heels. After she placed down the suitcases, she turned around to your puppy and gave him pets. He instantly got excited wiggling his butt like only golden’s can.

“Hi Jess, how was Canada?”

“Good, I love showing the girls off to the family. I’m so proud of them, it’s ridiculous”

“I’m glad, how is momma?”

“She’s good, healthy. Back doing her water aerobics twice a week. She told me to give you a hug from her” Jessie shrugged while looking at the tips of her shoes.

You wrapped her into a hug, just like the old days. It wasn’t unusual for you to hug, but this hug felt different. Perhaps it was because it was from her mom, you figured. The hug lasted longer than usual, a sense of uncertainty lingering in the air.

“She told me to convince you to come to Canada. Grandma misses you too” Jessie said while finally looking up at you blushing.

“Aaw, that’s so sweet! But, you know I can’t” you finished looking at Murphy who was shoving his head in your hand.

“Right, right, see you next week?” Jessie said, eager to wrap up the conversation. It wasn’t really like her. Normally, she had plenty of time to chat and hang around.

“Busy? Are you meeting up with someone? Someone special?” You teased poking her shoulder. She gave you a faint smile.

“Something like that” She replied with a smirk on her face. You smiled politely back at her feeling uneasy about her dating some new, but at this point in life; it had been years since the last date with another woman. The pair of you said your goodbyes before you entered your home with the girls suitcases. “Well”, you thought to yourself, “I have to get to working on this unpacking”.

-

Later that day, you found yourself stood in the kitchen in front of the stove cooking up some pancakes for the girls to eat before bedtime. This was a tradition you had since they were young; every Sunday you sat down as a family and ate pancakes before bedtime while taking about anything and everything.

“Mama, I made you a picture! Do you wanna see it?” Your youngest squealed, in love with art from a young age. “Yes love, I always want to see your art” you confirmed while flipping the last pancake. Eden ran upstairs to her room to get her binder. It held drawings from when she was just a baby back in kindergarten. You loved taking care of the art, knowing that watching the pictures was a glimpse into her head at that time.

Your oldest appeared from the living room at the smell of pancakes. “Are the pancakes ready soon? Do you want any help?” She asked leaning into your side wanting some affection. You wrapped your arm around her side holding her in your embrace. “If you want to, you could set the table?” You suggested in which she immediately nodded to and got to work. Even though she was becoming a teenager, she was still always wanting to be helpful and close to her mom.

Eden came tumbling down the stairs with her files bringing it into the kitchen flipping through the pages. “Here it is! I already put it in, but it’s me, nana, Lilly and mommy in Canada! And this, this is Elena’s dog.” She said while pointing to something that looked more like a sheep than a dog. You scrunched your nose when your daughter mentioned Elena, Jessie’s Canadian ex. You didn’t know that they had seen Elena in Canadian which was out of character for Jessie. “Wow, amazing! Did you see Elena in Canada?” You asked eagerly without wanting to snoop around. “Yes, she came for dinner. Nana made a roast” she said as she shrugged. The thought made you uncomfortable, and you immediately decided to change the topic.

“Alright girls, pancakes are ready” you announced flopping the last pancake onto the plate and turning towards the table. The three of you sat down at the dark oak table chatting lightly about school and football. The girls both played football, and both of them were excited for school to start.

“So, how was Canada girls?” You asked while looking at Lilly. Lilly shrugged her shoulders just like teenagers do. “We went to this market with lots of little stands were people sold lots of things. I even saw someone selling crochet frogs!” Eden said excitedly happily munching on her food. “Wow, did you buy it?” You followed up. “No, they only had green and I wanted pink, so I got a pink scrunchie instead!” She continued blabbering on about Canada.

After pancakes and washing up, the girls had both gotten ready for bed. You checked your youngest first, who was soundly asleep holding on to her stuffed sheep. You reached for the duvet and pulled it up wrapping her in like when she was little. Then, you headed to Lilly’s room. Her room was tidy, but that was one of her traits: she was very organised.

“Hi mama” she said while yawning in her bed, a book in her lap. “Hi baby, ready for bed?” You asked scooting into her bed wrapping your arms around her. “Yea..” she started before tearing up a bit, quickly swallowing her tears away. “I missed you mom, it’s not the same without you” your daughter pleaded leaning towards your chest. “I missed you too doll, and I wish things weren’t like this. I know that Eden dosent really remember when me and mommy used to live together, but I know you do. It’s very valid and I wish we could’ve worked it out.” You assured her feeling her relax in your arms. Hair long hair was hanging on her shoulders, and you immediately started humming while brushing through her locks with your hands.

After a few minutes, her breathing had slowed down and she showed signs of being asleep. You eased her out of your arms and into her bed before kissing her forehead, and moving towards the door. Your hands reached for the light switch, but before you could turn it off; you heard a voice. “You know that mom still is in love with you?” she whispered out her eyes being closed, just moments away from falling asleep. “Good night, princess. I love you forever” you hushed leaving her room quietly. Both the girls preferred to sleep with their door slightly open, just in case they need their mom. You loved it, making you feel like you are still the mom to two little girls instead of soon teenagers.

You hopped down the stairs to clean up the kitchen, the words of your daughter lingering in the back of your head. You had been warned about kids of divorce wanting their parents to get back together, but this felt different. She had previously begged you to go on a date with her teacher, convinced that you were a match.

As you cleared the table, plate by plate being moved into the dishwasher, you couldn’t help but think about what life could’ve been like. You and Jessie had met young, just after she had gone to Europe and you stayed together for over 10 years. It was weird how it all came to an end, you couldn’t really remember why you ended things. Maybe it was a silly argument? Or maybe Jessie’s busy lifestyle?

After clearing the table, you went to wipe off the surface noticing your daughter’s book of drawings. You sat down in front of it, opening it and watching picture by picture pass. Hours upon hours of work, all to be shown to her family. She took pride in her drawings, drawing her feelings.

One picture was two houses next to each other. One person infront of each door, two little girls moving between houses. It was cute, all of them looked happy. That was the confusing part for you; why would Lilly say that Jessie was still in love with you, when she seemed perfectly happy with the custody solution.

The next picture was with your daughter in bed, your puppy sleeping next to her. She had always loved the golden retriever. Even back when she was a little girl, she would occasionally fall asleep leaning onto the dog. It was a relationship like no other.

As you sat and admired the pictures, you heard the sound of your dogs paws shuffling downstairs. He immediately waked into the kitchen and looked at you while whining.

“Are you waiting for me to come night night?” You asked in your puppy voice. The dog immediately wagged his tail in excitement bonking his nose into your leg. You got up from the chair, and brought the book of drawings with you, following your dog to your bedroom door. After opening up your bedroom, he leaped into your bed taking his usual spot by the pillow. He ways slept with you, you hadn’t really slept next to anyone but Jessie. Expect from your girls, but that dosent count.

After finishing up your skincare, you stood by the sink brushing your teeth listening to the soft snores of your dog. It made you smile seeing him knocked out, the excitement of having the girls back bringing him joy.

As you brushed your teeth, you flipped through the book of drawings watching her arts. Fingers tracing the drawings, taking notice of each carefully placed line. One of the pictures, had stuck to you. It was a picture of you, Jessie and your two girls eating ice cream in the park. She naturally had included Murphy in the picture, adding an ice cream to the top of his head. You giggled looking at it, quickly finishing your brushing to take a picture of the drawing.

You

Look what Eden drew, she’s hilarious!

*photo attached*

Seen

You huffed in annoyance when Jessie left you on read, assuming she was busy doing some kind of football related stretch at home. The lights were then turned off, and you were quick to go to bed.

-

A few months later, the summer was over and school was back. Luckily for you, the girls loved school. Eden’s favourite subject was Math and Lilly’s favourite subject was science. You truly felt blessed by having kids that were this easy.

“Is mommy coming over later?” Eden asked nervously fumbling with her backpack. You looked into the rear view mirror. “Of course she is” you confirmed giving your Oscar winning smile. Truth was that Jessie had missed out on your weekly dinners for the last few weeks. It wasn’t just you who were bothered by it, so was your girls.

“Bye mommy!” Eden shouted jumping out of your car before skipping down to the school meeting up with her friends. The group of them walked in together. It was routine, they always waited for each other.

This morning after dropping the girls off, the annoyance you had felt regarding Jessie was rapidly growing. She had changed for the worse since the end of the summer: never answering your messages or your calls. Forgetting to come to family dinners. It annoyed you to a t when Lilly came beaming downstairs saying that she had talked to Jessie on the phone.

Your solution to this was having Eden ask Jessie over for dinner. Now, it wasn’t unusual for you to have dinner together. It was fairly normal on your household; but Jessie hadn’t answered your invitations. However, you knew that she would do anything for her daughters.

That was how you had ended up cooking favourite meal; your authentic pasta carbonara after work. If she wasn’t gonna talk to you, she was gonna be forced to eat your food in your presence.

“Mama, I think she’s coming!” Eden yells excitedly jumping up and down making Murphy bark while happily wagging his butt. Your oldest came skipping down the stairs when she heard your youngest announcement.

Eden opened the door up and full on launched at Jessie, wrapping her body around her like a koala. “Mommy, you came!” She giggled holding Jessie tight. “Of course, anything for my girls” Jessie said while hugging her back.

When she moved inside, she quickly petted Murphy before wrapping your oldest into a bear hug holding her tight. “How are you today, girls?” She asked looking at the pair of them. Eden looked like she was about to burst out information, but eagerly looked at her sister’s approval.

“Go ahead, Eds” Lilly giggled knowing what was about to happen.

“Okay, so today at maths this stupid boy, Jacob, threw a pencil at me! So I hid his calculator, and then after maths, I had lunch! It was chicken, I just love chicken! And then, Tilly told me about how she and her parents are going to France for Christmas and she promised me a postcard, and THEN, we had a pop quiz in English and I had no mistakes so I got a sticker AND THEN when I walked home, I saw a squirrel!” She said spewing out all her thoughts making you and her sister giggle while Jessie stood with wide eyes looking at her.

“Oh my, sounds like you had an eventful day” Jessie said scratching the back of her neck. “What about your day, Lils?”

“Hmm, it was okay. Kennedy and I played football with the boys during recess.” She shrugged in her typical teenage character.

“Wow,did they play rough?” Jessie wondered.

“Well, duuh! But it’s okay because I’m faster and I’m better, so they can’t catch me” Lilly brags proudly crossing her arms in front of her chest.

“You are so clever, I’m so proud of you both” Jessie said pulling both her girls into a hug.

-

At the dinner table, conversation was somewhat limited. Jessie didn’t really take initiative to talk to you, rather talking to you through the girls. The girls happily chatted along with her. It was weird, you thought, feeling like a stranger in your own home.

While munching on pasta Eden decided to drop a bomb.

“Mommy, do you miss living in our house?” Eden asked curiously looking Jessie dead in the eye. Jessie immediately chocked on a piece of pasta making her cough while having a terrified look in her face. Lilly shot you a look whispering “this is about to be good” making you smile of her sassy comment.

“Uh, I mean, I miss seeing you girls everyday, but I have my house now” Jessie tried hoping the answer was enough for Eden.

“But your house is small, I like this house better” Eden complained forcing you to turn around to not break out in laughter. She pouted her lips and crossed her arm. Your eyes shifted to your oldest who looked like she was about to collapse into a laughing fit, making you smiles

“Yea, i get that..” Jessie tried before looking towards you for help. “How is work?” You asked giving her a helping hand out of the awkwardness. Jessie shot you a look mixed of relief and gratitude before nodding. “It’s good, I’m going back to play with Canada soon. We have a game against Norway” Jessie finished.

“Where is Norway?” Eden asked curiously. “It’s at the top of Europe, close to the North Pole” Lilly lectured, making her sister’s eyes widen at the answer. “Wow, I wanna go to the North Pole! Mommy, can I come? And Lilly? And mama?” She begged giving Jessie her best puppy dog eyes .

Jessie looked sweaty for the millionth time during dinner, once again looking at your for help. “Norway is very far away, but maybe we can make it work? I’ll talk to mom about it after bedtime” you reassured your youngest carbon copy of Jessie. She seemed happy with the response and munched happily on her pasta again.

After the four of you had finished eating, the whole family was helping clearing the table. Jessie still hadn’t said much except typical polite talk, not normal to her considering she was quite the talker. Just as you finished cleaning, Jessie announced her departure.

“Mommy, can’t you stay until bedtime? Please mommy, you are never here at mama’s house anymore” Eden begged with her big brown eyes looking up at Jessie. She tugged on Jessie’s arm trying to launch onto her. Jessie’s cheeks flushed, and she rubbed her neck searching for the smallest bit of comfort. “Uh..I..Well, I have early practice tomorrow…” She stuttered seeing her daughter’s heart break in front of her. Eden’s shoulders lowered, and her face turned into a frown. “Okay, okay mom, thats fine. Mama always have time to read my bedtime story.. Bye” Eden turned around and walked upstairs, her sister giving Jessie an annoyed look.

“Doll, would you mind going after your sister? I’ll say bye to mama, and then I’ll be right there, pinkypromise” Lilly nodded her head, moving up the stairs to find her sister. But before she walked away from the stairs, she turned to look down at Jessie.

“Jessie, I think you really hurt sissy. She misses family dinners, and family nights, she talked about this all week. But it’s okay, because mama is always here to pick up the pieces, always making up excuses for you so that Eden dosent feel sad” she spat out leaving you feeling caught off guard while Jessie felt like the worst human in the world. Hearing her daughter call her out, and call her what was her government name instead of her most valued title.

Jessie felt uneasy, not sure how to handle the situation. All she wanted, was to get out of the house that she once had lived in. A part of her didn’t understand how you managed to live in the house with only the girls and your dog. How you were able to live in a house that was once filled with endless love. With to happy parents. Because recently, whenever she came over to pick up the girls or drop them off, she felt this heavy feeling in her gut having regrets about the divorce.

You heard your youngest sob upstairs before her bedroom door shut closed again. Jessie’s gaze met yours, and you gave her a sad look. “I’m gonna go deal with the girls, and I think you should leave.” You said moving towards the stairs. “You have the key, lock the door on the way out” you asked while moving upwards. Jessie stood still at the bottom of the stars on the verge of tears. “And for reference, I don’t know what’s going on with you lately; but you really hurt them, you know” and with that, you cleared the staircase moving in direction of your girls. At the drop of your last word, Jessie felt the tears press in her eyes. She looked at the staircase debating whenever to go after you, but she was too embarrassed of her own actions.

All Jessie wanted was for her family to feel prioritised, and important. But all she felt like she had done, was that she had failed you. She failed her duties as a wife, failed her marriage, she failed your agreements after the divorce and now she had failed her children. It hurt more than she could’ve ever imagined, and she quickly turned around to leave the house, locking the door on the way out.

You embraced your youngest who was sobbing in your arms, her older sister sitting across from you. “Eden, I’m sure she doesn’t mean it like that” you spoke trying to comfort the little girl. “But mama, she never used to be like this when I was a baby” Eden’s sob forced her to stop mid sentence, her clinging to you like back when she was a baby that didn’t want to go to kindergarten.

“I know love, and it’s not right of her to be like this to you, to both of you girls.” You said, trying to take notice of your oldest’s state of mind. “Mom..Do you think she doesn’t love us? Maybe she has found another family with another mom with other kids and other dogs and other houses..” your oldest spat out on the verge of tears. Their statements were bearing witness of the hormones about to change them from little girls to hormonal teenagers.

“Okay, girls. I know that we are feeling sad, and that’s okay. We are allowed to feel whatever we are feeling, it’s valid. But, I think your mom is going through something that makes her feel distant and spacey. She hasn’t been like this before. How about I try to talk to her?” You negotiated, trying to spare Jessie’s reputation. The girls nodded while sniffling in synch.

“How about we go to my bedroom, and we can watch tv until we fall asleep in mommy’s bed?” You suggested watching a spark light up in the girls eyes. They immediately eyed each other while nodding before getting up racing down the hallway, your dog bouncing after them. It made your heart swell: your daughter’s wholeheartedly giggles and your dog’s happy barks.

-

After the girls fell asleep, you got out of bed and sneaked yourself downstairs with your phone feeling determined to get an answer out of Jessie. You immediately dialed her number, waiting for her to pick up.

“Hi.. Is everything okay?”

“Hi, Jess. It’s me. What’s up?”

“What do you mean? I just got out of the shower, about to get ready for bed”

You rolled your eyes over her trying to play off cool.

“Stop being a comedian, it’s not working. What’s up with you recently?”

Jessie held a long silence terrified to say something wrong, that was if she could get something out.

“It’s nothing”

“Jess..”

“What? It’s nothing!”

You could hear Jessie getting annoyed, and for some reason: that annoyed you. She knew that you had figured out that she was going through something, and she hated that. You let out a groan in annoyance.

“For fucks sake, Jessie. We were married for many years, we had kids together; I know you better than this. Something is wrong, but you refuse to talk about it.”

Jessie felt like she was getting scolded, and perhaps that was what she needed; someone to talk sense into her. The truth was that everyone had noticed: her coaches had benched her, her teammates were confused and her mom was worried. Jessie hated carrying around this big bomb because it felt like it was about to explode at any second.

“Uh..It’s just..I should maybe talk to you about this in person”

A part of her felt like this might be good for her. To talk to someone about the problem. Someone who wouldn’t judge, and surely the woman she had kids with wouldn’t judge her for anything.

“Is it another woman?”

Jessie gasped in shock. How could you believe that?

“Sorry, but what?”

“Is there another woman? It’s fine if it is, I’m happy for you”

Jessie felt like throwing up by the thought of another woman. She didn’t want other women: she wanted her woman.

“Yea no, how about i stop by after work tomorrow?”

Jessie suggested, mentally kicking herself for forcing a conversation about the topic.

“After 21, then the girls will be asleep and we’ll have some privacy”

“O-okay, see you tomorrow then?”

“See you soon, Jess”

Jessie hung up feeling her heart beat rapidly, terrified of what was to come. She had lost you once, and she was terrified to lose you again. If you didn’t want to coparent with her anymore; that would be devastating for her. Possibly, career ending. She missed seeing you and the girls in the stands. She missed having the girls as her mascots. She missed having you come down to the pitch with the girls after games, Jessie chasing around Lilly while you carried Eden who was still a bay. Tears filled Jessie’s eyes as she sat on the edge of her bed. Tears of fear, frustration and anger for the divorce she had ended up in.

-

The following evening, you put the girls to bed waiting until they were asleep before texting Jessie to come over. You were happy to sort out whatever Jessie’s sudden problems was, just hoping that it wasn’t gonna be something related to your kids. A wave of nervousness dawned upon you, which lead to to quickly tidy up the house. Cups were moved to the dishwasher, the floor was hoovered and you made sure to fluff the pillows up. 10 minutes later, you heard knocking on your door.

Jessie stood nervously outside of the door waiting for you to open up the door. A part of her felt uneasy about opening up the door to let herself in; this wasn’t her home anymore, and she wanted to respect your boundaries.

You flung open the door looking at her with a smile, but you frowned when you saw her sad face.

“Damn, is this going to be one of those conversations?” You mumbled underneath your breath feeling Jessie’s sadness flare onto you. Jessie shot you a dirty look before mumbling something along the lines of “I heard that”.

“Feel free to sit”

You wanted her to take the lead on the situation, that way she could control the conversation. She slowly sat down on the couch looking like she was about to shit her own pants.

“Jessie? You seem like you are about to pass out. Relax! I’ve seen you naked” you teased hoping to make Jessie laugh, but your attempt at humor only got rewarded with a chuckle.

Jessie gulped trying to swallow the dry feeling in her throat without much success. She watched you sit down in the chair across from her, making her feel insecure.

You looked at her, waiting for her to talk.

“Jess? It’s okay, you can talk about whatever you want to, I won’t judge” you comforted her trying to meet her gaze. Jessie’s eye were glued to the floor, not bothering to give you as much as a glance.

“Could you maybe sit here?” Jessie spoke out, voice just above a whisper. Her hand patted the couch pillow next to her. You immediately got up and sat down next to her. Your feet sat down crisscross and you turned to face her.

“What’s going on, love?” You said looking into her eyes, her old nickname slipping out of your lips like air. Her heart fluttered over the use of her nickname, feeling an ache to have things back to what they once were.

Jessie looked up at you trying to find words, but she couldn’t spell out a single syllable. Her face ended up looking like a fish heaping for air rather than a person trying to speak.

“Here”, you said, “take me hand” you suggested offering your hand to her. She grabbed your hand back without thinking, making her feel dumb for looking so desperate.

She looked up at you trying to figure out how to drop the bomb on you. She couldn’t speak. She ended up just sighing again and again.

“Jessie?”

Her gaze met yours, eyes looking fragile and vulnerable.

“Talk to me, please”

You wiped away a tear from her cheek, scared of whatever was gonna come out from her mouth. Worried that someone might be sick, that she was going to transfer to another team or that she had done something dumb.

“Listen, the girls and I just want what’s best for you. I can see that you are suffering inside, please, talk to me. I want to help” you pleaded looking into her eyes, rubbing her thigh carefully.

Jessie sniffed before taking in a deep breath.

“The reason I have been so distant lately…” she started, but stopping as her word came to a loss.

“I talked to my mom when we were in Canada, and she made me realise a few things”

You nodded encouraging while offering her a smile. Her words came to a stop again, not sure how to handle the situation.

“Alright, keep going” you whispered giving her hand a squeeze. “It’s just me, love”, you said trying your best to support her.

“You see, that’s the problem. It is you. It was always you.” Jessie blurted out making you feel confused.

“Uh, I’m sorry?” You tried, not sure why you were offering your apologies when you couldn’t pinpoint what you had done wrong.

“No, no, god no! It’s not something to be sorry about..”

“Then what is it?” You responded, frustration lingering underneath your skin.

Jessie looked at you, at a loss for words once again. Her gaze felt intense, like she was staring into your soul. Her face moved towards yours.

“It was always you, y/n” Jessie whispered before closing the gap between you. The kiss lasted for a few seconds before you both pulled apart. You looked at Jessie, feeling confused.

“I miss you, I miss us. Leaving you, the kids, hell even Murphy was the biggest mistake of my life. The divorce was the biggest mistake of my life, and I know that you probably don’t feel the same anymore, and that’s okay. But I just, ugh, nobody will ever compare to you. I want you back, I want our life back, I want to wake up next to you again and know that I made the best decision when I married you.I don’t even know how to g-“

“Shut up, and kiss me Jess” you responded looking in her eyes feeling touched by the vulnerability of the moment. Jessie looked into your eyes before closing them and closing the gap between us, starting the process of rebuilding what once had been torn apart.

[soft-pine]

spn20rewatch: 2.20 what is and what should never be

this has got to be in my top ten episodes of all time! there is so much i love about it! it has my favorite favorite scene and then my other FAVORITE FAVORITE SCENE!!!

but before we get there it has some wonderful dean character moments.

dean's confused, withdrawn, performative kiss with carmen!

this whole scene watching his face go from performance to confusion and worry and back and forth! he is so funny and i love him so much!

but this is also a cruel foreshadowing that the next two kisses dean has are him specifically sacrificing himself and his body as a means to an end.

but we're not there yet so let's just bask in THIS!

DEAN: Well, who'd'a thought, baby. We're civilians.

or THIIISSSSS!!!

DEAN Dad's dead? And the thing that killed him was a... MARY A stroke. He died in his sleep. You know that. DEAN That's great.

or the way dean is so fucking happy to see jess and it's heartbreakingly sweet!

there is also so much that can be said about how even in dean's "dream world," he's the family fuck-up. he's never really thought much about his own future or himself but the best thing he can picture is his family (or most of them, HA!) alive and happy and safe. and i think there's a component of this where he has to remove himself (and John) in order to imagine it being possible. gutting honestly.

season two opens with dean yelling at john (though john can't hear him) and ends with dean crying at john's grave. i'm interested in the shared threads between these two iterations.

2.01

DEAN: I've done everything you have ever asked me. Everything. I have given everything I've ever had.

2.20

DEAN: Course I know what you'd say. Well, not the you that played softball but... "So go hunt the Djinn. He put you here, it can put you back. Your happiness for all those people's lives, no contest. Right?" But why? Why is it my job to save these people? Why do I have to be some kind of hero?

the speech in 2.20 is actually one of the very best explanations i feel we ever get for dean's relationship with john. because the issue is not only that john forced dean into hunting, it's that hunting saves people. like dean can rail against john and against his childhood that was stolen and against his future that will be stolen and against all the cruelty and harshness and ways he was parentified and it was subtly reinforced that his life literally mattered less than sam's or than strangers. but hunting does save people, goddammit and dean both cares so deeply about that on his own that many of these sacrifices would be freely chosen and he cannot fully hate or distance himself from his father because so much of what john did was actually just straightforwardly good.

abuse is messy. i think john winchester's characterization is perfect, actually.

dean can much more easily put to rest a father who played softball than a father who "got a bum rap around every turn. But you know what? He kept going. And in the end, he did a hell of a lot more good than he did bad." (8.12)

like dean has to remove himself and john from their family's lives to picture their family getting a happy life. but for it to feel easy, he also has to make this father one who just worked at a body shop (i'm extrapolating) and played softball.

so yes, okay this episode is a nonstop thrill ride of beautiful, cute, wonderful dean moments and utter heartbreak. so of course, the next thing i have to say is THAT THIS SCENE IS SO FUCKING CUTE!!!!! i can't stand it! (rip to the "I know how it sounds" that i didn't squeeze in because it was too long. because that line just kills me !!!!!)

but look look look!!!! he's so smooth and cunty AHHH

so it follows that what comes next is heartbreak. dean wants a future where mary is alive, where jess is alive, where sam is happy and safe and in college and alive. and it's not real and he can't have it and it will kill him but he wants to stay. so he stabs himself in the heart.

and in the next episode sam dies anyway.

... well here we are, this is already so long and i haven't even talked about my actual favorite scene. which also, i think, happens to be my favorite scene in all of supernatural....

Dean realizing one of the other of the djinn's victims is still alive and catching her as sam cuts her free.

DEAN: I gotcha. I gotcha. We're gonna get you out of here, OK? I gotcha. I got you.

the way the fact that he's in pain and weak and drained is layered throughout the desperate care in his voice here.... besties i don't have words...

all hail 2.20

[corruptedcaps]

The Chavs and the Chav-Nots

"Look, Heidi, I know this sounds crazy, but trust me, it's going to work. The plan is solid. I take the Chav juice I invented, and bam I'm a chav for 24 hours. A full day to go undercover as the ultimate chav bitch. I'll be just like them, blending right in with those girls who make our lives hell. I know you're worried, but it's our only shot. We’ll get the dirt we need to stop them.

Here’s the thing, though, once I drink it, I won’t remember being me. I’ll be all in, completely believing I’ve always been a chav. I might not even go by the name of Jess anymore. And that means… I might come after you too. I might bully you just like they do. But you have to remember, it’s not really me.

When the 24 hours are up, I’ll be back to normal, and we’ll have everything we need. It'll be tough, but it’s worth it. We’re so close to turning the tables on them, Heidi. This is our chance. Just hold on for one day, okay? Ok here goes nothing."

"What the hell am I wearing? I must have blacked out from all the partying and stole your loser clothes. Thankfully even in these fucking shit outfit and virgin glasses I’m still a fuckin’ knockout.

I need to get out of here before someone actually sees me with you. Do you know what that would do to my rep? Being seen with someone like you? Ugh, it's disgusting just thinking about it.

Honestly, I don't even know why you even go to school. It's not like anyone actually likes you. You're just this sad, clingy little parasite, always hanging on, hoping someone will notice you. Spoiler alert, they don’t. You're invisible. You’re fuckin’ nothing, not like me.

Ugh I feel like your ugliness will rub off on me if I stick around any longer. I need some new sexier clothes. Out of the way fugly and if I see you again you’ll wish you were never born.”

"Heidi… oh my God, I’m so sorry. I remember everything. All the horrible things I said to you as Jessi… that’s what I… I mean she, calls herself. It’s like I was trapped inside my own head, watching it all happen. I felt every nasty mean thing she did. I didn’t mean any of it, I swear.

Thankfully I got a lot of juicy dirt on those evil bitches but you’re not going to like this…. I need to become Jessi again. They opened up a lot to her but I could tell they were still wary of her. I just need to spend more time with them and do what they do and gain their trust.

Thankfully Jessi bought some new clothes while she was in control. I know they are slutty and revealing but they are they perfect to fit in with them. Jessi is a perfect chav.

Of course it helped that the juice transformed my body too. I didn’t expect the big tits, the fake tan, the blonde ponytail, or the press on nails but it certainly helps sell the look. I even think some of the chavs are jealous of Jessi.

And, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it was kind of… nice? I mean, not the whole ‘being a complete bitch’ part, but having them be jealous you know? Anyway I better go get changed into my ‘Jessi’ clothes. Sorry in advance.”

“I thought I told you I’d beat the shit out of you if I saw you again loser. What are you even doing at this party, it’s only for hot studs and bad bitches like us, isn’t that right girls?

This is the fuckin’ train wreck I was telling you about girls. Oh you know her? Yeah I guess she is hard to miss, like a wart on a diseased foot. God, just look at her. Honestly, Heidi, you’re a joke. I mean, who even lets you out of the house looking like that? Where’d you get those clothes? A charity shop? They’re so tragic. And that hair… yikes. Ever heard of shampoo?

She’s starting to make me gag girls. Kayla, kick this bitch out will you, I don’t want her putting me off fuckin’ Derek later. So long dork.”

"Heidi, I’m sorry… again. I know I was awful, but you have to understand, I got even more dirt on those girls. We’re so close to taking them down for good!

Did I have sex with Derek? As in Delinquent Derek the hardest guy on the estates? No… I don’t so? I mean it’s all a little blurry, Jessi was drinking a lot. I only have patches of the night but I’m sure she didn’t. He was texting my phone this morning calling me a bad bitch so I’m sure she told him off.

Oh these hoop earrings? Yeah they’re Jessi’s but I find it’s an easier transition to being her if I’m already wearing some of her stuff. Sure her body fits everything so much better but she’s likely to question everything less if she’s ready to go. Plus I kind of like the way the look on me, they’re sort of sexy don’t you think? Do you think should wear more makeup? Then again what would you know? Anyway I better go get ready for Jessi.”

"Aww, look at you, Heidi, crying like a little baby. What, did I hurt your feelings? Pathetic. You should be used to it by now. You’re so weak it makes my stomach turn.

I’ll let you in on little secret though. I know all about Jess, my loser alter ego. The more she’s transformed into me the more of her memories have slipped into my mind. The more control I’ve taken. Her smarts have let me take over the gang. They are all dumb sluts so it was easy to manipulate them into making me their leader.

But it’s a two way street. I’m sure you’ve noticed Jess has become a little bit meaner, a little bit hotter, and a little bit vainer. All thanks to yours truly. Poor little Jess thought she could control me, use me like some tool to get her way. But she didn’t realize how strong I am.

Just a few more times, and Jess won’t exist anymore. She’ll be gone, and it’ll be just me, Jessi. Forever. And you? You’ll be stuck dealing with the real me, the one who doesn’t give a fuck about you or your pathetic tears. I love being an evil chav bitch and soon Jess will too.

But don’t you go getting any ideas about telling her what I’m up to. I’ve got her dosing on juice everyday but she could still reject me and try and go cold turkey if she’s convinced, so this will be our little secret.”

"Heidi, what are you talking about? Jessi’s plan? Jessi doesn’t have a plan, she doesn’t even know about me. You’re just overreacting. I’m in control here, not Jessi. I know what I’m doing.

You’re just jealous because the juice has had some delicious side effects, like making me fuckin’ tasty. I’ve had to wear all the clothes Jessi bought because they’re the only things that now fit me. The fake tan, nails and makeup is just to compliment it all.

Or maybe you’re just jealous because the Chavs have stopped bullying me entirely. In fact they kind of fear me. Maybe that’s what’s really bothering you. You liked it better when I was just plain old Jess, right? Anything to draw attention away from you.

And come on, Jessi taking over? That’s absurd. I know who I am. I’m still me. Kind. Smart. Caring. And sexy as fuck. Maybe I’m just... improving a little, that’s all. What’s wrong with that? You can’t handle the fact that I’m finally stepping out of my shell.

Honestly, Heidi, you’re starting to sound like a paranoid freak. You’re just trying to hold me back because you’re afraid of being left behind. Maybe you’re the one who needs to change, to toughen up a bit. Ever think about that? Anyway I have better places to be now.”

“Well, well, Heidi. Look at you. I didn’t think you had it in you to try and tell Jess about my plan. Gotta say, I’m impressed. Didn’t think you had a backbone. But that’s why I had the girls tie you up and bring you to me.

See, I’m so close to making sure Jess is gone for good, and I can’t let you derail my plans. You’ve always been such a little thorn in my side, but something Jess said to you made me think that maybe I could get your pushiness to work in my favour. Maybe it’s time YOU changed.

Open up, Heidi. You’re about to get a taste of what real power feels like. Just a little modified Chav juice, enough to see things my way. Thanks to Jess’ brilliant mind I’ve adapted it to make you into everything I need you to be. Come on, don’t make this harder than it has to be. It’s time for you to join the winning side.”

"You know I wasn’t sure at first that your idea of you imbedding yourself in with Jessi was such a good idea, especially because she really seemed to hate your guts but these past few days I’ve seen flashes of you and her hanging out and you’re as thick as thieves. You’re very convincing. It helps you’re started dressing like all the other Chavs too. Don’t get me wrong, you look proper fit now babes. I mean… you fit in so well with Jessi and her crew!

Speaking of which I’m so glad you’ve changed your mind about me taking the juice, you get that it’s only going to be a few times more and then it’ll be over. I wasn’t sure you’d see things my way, but now you’re being so supportive, so encouraging. It makes this whole thing feel so much easier.

And I have to admit… I do enjoy being Jessi sometimes. She’s so fuckin’ hawt and nasty. A proper slag. Oh sorry about that, she slips out out from time to time. A lot more recently. It just feels so freeing to not have to worry about anything. She’s a real bitch and gets what she wants. As she should!

Shit I was going to wait a few hours but what harm could it be to take some juice now? Thanks Heidi you’re so supportive. But you know what first? Let’s you and I get dolled up so when Jessi takes over she’s ready to go with her ‘bestie’.”

“Mmmm yesss that did it. I can feel the last of that loser is out of my system. I have to hand it to you babes, this would have taken weeks to do if I didn’t have you by my side. I always knew you had potential, but damn, you’ve become the loyal bitch I needed. Together, we’re going to run the school, no doubt about it.

Funny how Jess tried to go undercover with the chavs and what brought her down was me her better half infiltrating her world with you as my perfect hawt weapon.

And as for me… just look at me. I’m the perfect chav now. In fact I’m the fuckin’ chav Queen! Shedding that weakling Jess was the best thing I could have done. I’m everything she could never be.

But you, you’re my best creation. A slutty bestie who is unwavering loyal and a fuckin’ stunner to boot. Mmmm the trouble we are going to get up to is making me so wet.

After I dosed all the other girls with anti-chav I needed to start building a better gang anyway. They were just posers compared to us. It’s going to be so much fun converting the other nerds into chav babes and bullying our old enemies.

We’re the Chavs now and their just the chav-nots.”

[justmeinadaze]

Yin and Yang Part 2 (Steddie X You)

Warnings: Older Daddy Eddie (Late 30s)/ Older Dom Mr. Harrington (Late 30s) & Younger Fem Sub Y/N (mid 20s), SMUT, voyeurism (technically; Eddie's not far lol), male masturbation, big dick Steve Harrington :P, dirty talk (LOTS of dirty talk), light spanking (once), light choking (once), established relationship mentioned and vaguely touched on between Steddie, aftercare always.

There's no real angst or fluff. Eddie does have a moment where he's worried about Y/N and does a temperature check but other than that nothing big. Just a lot of self indulgent smut. I have some ideas for more parts to expand on all three of them so more for sure because I am a thirsty lady.

Word Count: 4973

Part 1 here/ Donate to Me :)

It had been a little over three hours since you and your boyfriend had arrived at his best friend’s house and had yet to run into the host at all. To be fair, Steve Harrington’s house was much larger than even Eddie’s but the man told you he didn’t need a lot of space having grown up in a trailer. 

The party he had invited you both to was in full swing with guests running wild knowing they could leave any mess since they didn’t live here. People everywhere were lip locked with a significant other as hands roamed in places that were meant to be private. Drunk hooligans were screaming and shouting, some happy and others angry. 

A few guests like the man you loved were calmly talking shop as you remained at his side. You’d be lying however if you said you weren’t a little…bored. 

“Eddie, Chemical Waste is a great band with a magnificent drummer but I don’t see how you’re going to get the general public to attach to them the way they did Corroded Coffin.”, a man in a suit practically whined making even you cringe. 

“And that’s why I bring in more money than you, Jesse. I don’t take good sounds for granted especially where a rock band fits in any aspect of life.”

“Pfft please! It’s not like you can get in the mood to metal.”

“Hm. Well, you’re definitely not fucking any woman right then.”, Eddie replied cheekily as he glanced your way. “Are you alright?”, he asked, noticing your antsy demeanor. 

“Yeah, baby. I’m going to go outside for a bit and get some air.”

“I’ll come with you—”

“No, Eddie. It’s alright. I won’t be long.”

“Y/N, I don’t think you should be wondering around here alone.” When you sigh and roll your eyes, his own irises shift into that particular dark look you had come to know very well. Taking a step closer to you, he lowered his voice so only you would be able to hear. “Do I need to scold you here in front of all these people, little girl? Is that the first impression you want to make?”

“No.”

“No, what?”

“No, Daddy.”

His chocolate eyes flick to the balcony patio outside before sighing heavily himself. 

“Go out that door but don’t go where I can’t see you.”

“Okay…”, you reply but when you start to walk away, Eddie grabs your wrist, pulling you to his chest and lightly kisses your lips making you smile. “I love you.”

“I love you to.”

***

Leaning against the railing, you took in the city around you. Being with a famous music producer allowed you to see parts of the world you never thought you’d get to experience even just in the town you were from. Coming from a small area with very little money, you were barely able to cross the street let alone a state line to see new things. 

You never took for granted the sights and places Eddie took you to even if it was just the inside of hotel room for a lay over to the next place. The first time he flew you somewhere, you cried, fearing you were taking advantage him. 

“Baby, it’s ok. I like taking you on trips like this and seeing you have fun.”

“I just don’t want you to feel like this is the only reason I’m with you.”

Eddie chuckles at your statement as if it’s the cutest thing he’s ever heard and pulls you into his embrace. 

“The fact that you’re worried about that tells me you’re different than the other people I’ve met. No one even cares enough to be concerned about that kind of thing.”

“Does Eddie know you’re out here all by your lonesome?” You jump at the sound of the man’s voice who immediately throws up his hands in surrender. “I’m so sorry, honey. I didn’t mean to startle you. To be honest, I thought you were just some woman who snuck in because I didn’t remember inviting someone as gorgeous as you.” He smirked cockily when you blushed, leaning his elbow against the railing. 

“Then of course I remembered my best friend was bringing his girl over. Hi, I’m Steve Harrington.”

When he extended his hand to yours, you shook it relaying your name softly as he continued to hold your palm. 

“So does he know? Eddie? That you’re out here alone?”

“Of course.”, you grin as your eyes gesture towards your boyfriend whose own eyes met his friends as he smiled. 

“Oh, of course.”, he teased as he obnoxiously waved his way. “I’m not going to lie, a part of me was hoping there was a bit of a bad girl in that sexy dress so we could have a bit more fun. Nothing hotter than watching Eddie get tightly wound.”

When your head tilted to the side, he chuckled as he took a sip of the whiskey in his glass. 

“I guess he didn’t tell you. That’s alright. Wouldn’t want to overwhelm you when it’s your first time meeting me. I understand that.”

“I wouldn’t get overwhelmed.”

“No? It wouldn’t intimidate you to know that Eddie and I have fucked before?”

Steve’s eyes locked with yours as a steady breath escaped your lips. The action itself didn’t intimidate you but the casual way he was speaking about it as if he was talking about the weather. 

“N-No…it doesn’t intimidate me. You’re a lot more forward than he is.”

“Pfft, you’re not wrong.”, he laughs. “I spent most of life being pushed around by my father so I decided when I got my own company I’d never do that again. If I wanted something, I’d say it.”

“He’s teaching me how to do that. I’m not great at that especially when I’m…”

“When you’re what, honey? Tell me.”

“W-When I’m calling him Daddy.”

“You mean when you’re in that little girl headspace?” A bit to aggressively you nod your head making his smile widen as his palm reaches out to caress your cheek. “I can help you with that, pretty girl, if you want me to.”

“Wait.”, you reply suddenly grasping his wrist and his eyes promptly fill with genuine concern. “I just, um, everyone here thinks I’m with Eddie. I mean I am with Eddie but… if people see you touching me like this it could affect his business. I wouldn’t want to jeopardize that or anything.”

Again, Steve’s head tilts.

“Huh. You’re more worried about him and how he’ll be perceived than yourself?”

“To an extent. People can think whatever they want independently. You can’t control that but if it interrupts my life or his or even yours…”

For a second, you thought you may have offended him with how his jaw jutted out and he clicked his tongue against his teeth until he started addressing people outside. 

“Attention! Everyone listen up! Thank you for coming but I need everyone to leave!” Murmurs and awkward giggles flow through the crowd before he claps his hands and shouts even louder. “You people heard me! Get the fuck out of my house! That’s right, come on now. Oh, I know. You’ll have to get free booze somewhere else.”

Your eyes widen as you power walk to your boyfriend and hastily loop your arm through his. 

“I think I did something wrong.”

“What do you mean, sweetheart?”

“H-He’s kicking us all out.”

“Not everyone, baby girl. We’re still welcome to stay unless you want to go.”, Eddie asks as his hand cups your cheek. “Do you want to leave?”

Glancing towards Steve, who was coming back down the hallway, ushering people out from the bedrooms while they hurriedly put back on their clothes, you shook your head and leaned on the boy’s shoulder. 

“No, Daddy, I don’t want to leave.”

He blinked as you used his title so freely without prompting and a sigh of relief left his chest; you were comfortable. 

“Yes, alright, alright. Thank you for coming and destroying my space. My cleaning lady would like me to remind you that she hates you all. Ok, ba-bye.”, the businessman continued to sass before slamming the door shut and raising his arms in victory. “All gone! Now it’s just us.”

“I’m sorry if I upset you.”, you respond meekly, grabbing his attention. 

Balancing his hands on his knees, Steve bends to your level as his soft eyes find yours. 

“Look at me, honey? Do I look upset?”, he asked in a calm tone.

“You kicked everyone out…”

“Yeah, you mentioned being afraid of ruining our businesses and reputation if people saw me touching or talking to you a certain way. I don’t care about the people I kicked out but I do care if you and Eddie are comfortable.” When he reached out to caress your cheek, this time you allowed it as you tenderly kissed the pad of his thumb as it grazed your lips making him smile. 

“Are you both hungry? I don’t know about you but I’m starving.”

###############

You giggled from your place on the sofa as you took a bite of the food Steve had ordered for you three while he continued to regale you with stories of his friendship with your boyfriend. 

“I kid you not, honey, this party in LA was insane. It reminded me of dance scene in Moulin Rouge where she dangles from the roof. Girls where dancing fucking everywhere and this guy acted like he was stepping into his office or some shit. Just like zero emotion painted on his face.”

“Look, that’s your scene, Harrington, not mine. I’m more into like metal shows and concerts, things like that. I don’t know how to be at a regular party let alone that.”

“I think you did well tonight, baby.”, you beam as you tilt towards him to kiss his cheek. 

Steve silently studies the exchange as his friend blushes and places his hand back on your calf to continue massaging your legs comfortingly. When you lean back against the couch your eyes linger on his smile before you turn towards the other man and notice that he was watching. 

“What about you, honey? What’s your scene?”

“Um…I’m not really sure to be honest. It may sound cliché but right now it’s Eddie. I love everywhere he takes me and places he shows me. I feel like I’m taking advantage though.”

“Baby, you’re not taking advantage. You know I love taking care of you.”

“I know but…I can’t help that I have a heart.”, you smile.

“Hm. Is that why you agreed to this? Because he wants you to?” When your gaze shifts his way and you flash him a confused look, Steve can’t help but sarcastically chuckle. “Don’t play dumb, Y/N. The three of us know you’re not just here to meet me. There’s a whole other side to Mr. Munson here that no one knows about that I just find so fucking attractive.”

While he speaks Eddie’s eyes lock with his friends as his demeaner hardens while Steve cockily grins his way. 

“Eddie would never force me to do anything I didn’t want to.”

“Huh uh. Your point being…?”

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be, Mr. Harrington. I just know how important you are to him and I don’t…want to disappoint…”

“I highly doubt that’s possible, pretty girl.”, the businessman grins your way. “He means a lot to me to. Eddie’s saved me from myself a few times and been there when no one else was. Which is why I’m asking the questions that I am.” Slithering to the carpet, he scoots his body till he’s in front of you and takes your legs off Eddie’s lap to place them in front of himself. “We want you to do this because you want to. Not because you think it will appease him…which it will but…”, he chuckles. 

Your eyes scan over him as he waits for you to respond. 

Steve had taken some effort to dress up for his party donning a suit that haphazardly hung to his frame. After everyone left, he had removed his jacket and rolled up his sleeves, leaving a couple of buttons open on his chest to show off the undershirt that barely covered the chest hair peeking through. 

His slacks were a bit baggy but the belt that clung to his waist accentuated his hips making you promptly want to wrap your arms around him. His hair, that had been styled when you first saw him, was now frayed due to him running his fingers through it as he spoke throughout the dinner and if he had bothered shaving this morning, you couldn’t tell with the light shades of hair that dusted his upper lip. 

While Steve came off strong, he radiated a safety that told you everything was ok and that you could trust him. 

“Can we go slow?”

“Of course. Of course, baby.”, Eddie comforts as he slides closer to you and wraps his arm around your shoulders. “Just say Red like I taught you if you get uncomfortable, ok?”

“Ok, Daddy. I love you.”

“I love you to, princess.”, he whispers as he kisses your lips. 

“Are there any hard no’s for either of you?”, Steve asked as his fingers slid down your legs till he reached your heel and began unbuttoning the clasp.

“She’s pretty timid so she’s not really into the rougher stuff.”

“Can she not tell me?”, the man snickers as he moves to your other foot. 

After rolling his eyes, Eddie gestured towards his friend urging you to answer. 

“I’m open to trying anything… just…don’t hurt me…”

“You have to define ‘hurt’, honey.”

“Don’t like punch me or anything.”

Your answer gave Steve pause as his gaze shifted between you and your boyfriend. 

“Y/N, that never crossed my mind. I would never hurt you like that. I know some people are into that but I know Eddie and he knows me. We don’t want to see you hurt or cry like that. No one’s ever hurt you like that right? Because I’ll fucking kick their ass.”

“No, Sir.”, you giggle at his slightly teasing yet protective tone. “No one’s ever hurt me like that. I just…like I said, I’m new to all this. Eddie teaches me things and he’s always so patient.” The man besides you beams with pride as he kisses your temple. “What about you? Is there anything I should know?”

Steve blinks as his little smirk flickers along his lips. 

“Would you be surprised no one has ever asked me that?”

“Why? I mean I want you to enjoy yourself to and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable either.”

“Jesus Christ.”, he groans as his cheek falls against your bare thigh and his hands hug your leg. “You have to take me to this coffee shop you found her at, Ed, because she is perfect.”

On impulse, your fingers reach out to pet his head and he moans lightly at the action as he tilts a bit to kiss your skin. 

“No, honey. Just be honest and vocal with me. Sometimes I get…passionate…so if I’m doing something you like or don’t like just tell me.”

“Yes, Sir. What about you, Daddy?”

“I’m just watching tonight, sweetheart.”

“Yeah but is there…is there something you don’t want me to with him? Like…can I kiss him?”

“Yeah, baby girl, you can kiss him. You can do anything you want as long as you feel safe and I will be right here if you need me.”

“Ok, Daddy.”

“Why don’t you take off your dress, babe, and show Steve what he gets to play with?”

Nodding, you rose to your feet and wiggled your frame as you slid the tight-fitting fabric down your body bringing your panties down with it.

“No bra?”, Steve asked as you sat back down and he took a seat beside you.

“I didn’t think it went with the dress.”

“We were at the mall for hours looking for the ‘perfect’ dress. She wanted to look nice for you.”, Eddie jested making you blush.

“Aw, honey. Well, it was absolutely gorgeous.”, his friend cooed as he placed his arm over his own behind your head and rested his other palm on your stomach. “I think I like this outfit the best.”, he whispers causing a shutter to ripple through you.

Leaning your lips toward Steve’s, your pussy clenched as they mingled together while you mewled at his taste. They both had a lingering note of nicotine but this man was oddly softer with his technique than Eddie; so much so that you constantly chased his mouth for more friction. 

As you turned to kiss your boyfriend, his lips were desperately waiting as he cupped your head in his head and held you still. Steve’s tongue grazed your throat as he placed open mouth kisses along your skin causing you to pant as you struggled to stay connect to the man you loved. 

“How does it feel? Tell Daddy, baby.”

“G-Good. Want more.”

“Tell him. Tell Mr. Harrington what you want, sweetheart.”

Your eyes fluttered closed as Steve’s mouth and tongue found purchase on your tit as he sucked and licked your nipple. 

“Please—mmm—Mr. Harrington. I want to feel you t-touch me.”

Without saying a word, he tore off his shirt and pushed down his pants to his ankles. 

“Fuck, come here, honey.” Laying on your side, you place your head towards his stomach and Steve groans when a glob of spit falls from your mouth on to his tip. “There you go, Y/N. Shit.”

As your hand begins to pump him, you listen as he sucks on his fingers before rubbing them against your clit. 

“Oh…Oh my god, Steve.”

No sooner had his name left your mouth was your hair being yanked back as his angry eyes found yours. 

“When we are together, little girl, you will show me respect. Do I make myself clear?”

“Ah…yes, Sir.”

“Who am I right now?”

“Mr. Harrington.”

His cock twitched in your hand as he gripped you tighter.

He was enjoying the control. 

“Louder, Y/N.”

“Mr. Harrington! You’re Mr. Harrington, Sir!”

As soon as he let you go, you desperately wanted to make up for your indiscretion, immediately wrapping your lips around his length and bobbing your head. 

“Atta girl. Fuck-- don’t overwhelm yourself. I-I know I’m a lot.”

The sound of a belt unbuckling echoed through the living room and you know Eddie was making himself more comfortable especially when Steve’s fingers breached your entrance as he curled them inside you. 

“Jesus, look how fucking hard you are. You like watching your girlfriend take my cock down her throat?” Utilizing one of your hands, you massaged the businessman’s balls eliciting a loud grunt that had you clenching around his fingers. “You were right, Ed. She’s—mmph—she’s good at sucking dick. Damn, and she’s so fucking tight. You’re right, baby. I’m going to stretch you in half.”

Your moan mixes with Eddie’s at the notion. 

“Fuck me. I can’t—” Abruptly Steve removed his fingers and manhandled you till your head was on your boyfriend’s lap on your back. After removing the rest of his clothes, he opened your legs wide and spit directly into your cunt before falling on top of you. “I’m gonna try and go slow at first but I just really want to fucking pound into you so like I said…If I’m hurting you—”

“I’ll tell you. Please, Mr. Harrington, I need you.”, you whine as you grind your hips along his hard cock. 

His arms boxed you in as his head fell beside your own and he began guiding himself into you. Your hands promptly grabbed his shoulders as you bit your bottom lip. 

“There y-you go, sweetheart. Such a good girl.”, Eddie cooed softly above you as you felt the slight wind of his hand stroking his length. 

The whole scene was driving you wild and you couldn’t help but squeeze tighter around the man inside you making him grunt as you whined in slight pain. 

“A-Are you o-o-okay, Sir?”

Steve’s fingers threaded in your hair as he lifts his head to look down at your face. As he thrusts in another inch, a heavy breath leaves your lips hitting his own as his features scrunch in what looks like pain. 

“Talk to me.”, you whimper. “I need you to be v-vocal to.”

Leaning his forehead against yours, his tenderly gives you a kiss. 

“I’m not even…even all the way in…I feel like…mmm…I’m gonna cum. Am I h-h-hurting you?��

“A little but…feels…good…” This time you kiss him as your nails drag down his back till your palms grip his ass. “It’s ok, Steve.”, you whisper. “Keep going. I want to feel all of you. I don’t care if I can’t walk tomorrow as long as I can feel you.”

Subtly guiding him with your hands, he delivered you small thrusts as his beautiful eyes remained locked on yours. 

“Uhhh, fuck. Feels so good, Mr. Harrington.” When he was fully seated inside of you, you both froze as you relished the feeling of each other. “Please, Sir. I need you to move.”

A large palm circled around your throat and lightly squeezed as Steve pushed up on his elbow to glare down at you. 

“You need me to move, little girl? Then don’t fucking pout. You take what I fucking give you.”

Eddie’s movements still as he watched the scene before him. The few times the two of them had played this was how Steve was. Where Eddie was a bit softer, Steve was much more rugid and rough around the edges. Daddy wanted to teach whereas Mr. Harrington wanted someone to obey. When they were intimate, they bounced off each other quiet well. When Steve needed someone to just love him and care for him Daddy was there. When Eddie was tired of being in control all day, Mr. Harrington took over. 

They never dug too deep into it or what that aspect of their relationship meant. They just knew they were best friends and that’s all that mattered. 

With him, you were always very shy about a lot of sexual things. You were no prude but like you said, you had only experienced the vanilla lifestyle. Eddie loved your innocence and it catered to his Daddy nature. But neither of you had ever gotten this far. 

He’d never tried being rough with you in this way nor had he ever had to “punish” you. Unlike the women he dated previously, you were far from a brat. Occasionally yes he did scold you but all in all nothing more. When he asked you about being intimate with Steve, he knew the man leaned more towards that spectrum which is why he insisted on you utilizing the safe word should you need it. 

Eddie had also warned him that you were timid and to just go along with your flow. 

To him on the outside looking in, however, it seemed like Steve jumped to a 10 without warning. 

“Sweetheart, what color are we at?”

Instead of answering you tried push against his friend’s grasp to kiss his lips again but he just pushed you down as he smirked at your insistence. Eddie couldn’t believe what he was seeing and his cock twitched slightly at the sight.

You were disobeying. 

“Answer me, Y/N.”

“Green, Daddy.”

“She’s fine, Munson. Look at her. Desperate little thing just wants to cum.” Suddenly wrapping his arms around you, Steve sits up without pulling out so you’re straddling him. “Well, go ahead, honey. Take what you want.”

Balancing your hands against his shoulders, you bounced your hips slowly at first as you fully got used to his size. The burn had long since passed and pleasure was fully in the driver’s seat as his cock hit and surpassed all your buttons till you were a desperate mess. 

“Fuck, Eddie, do you hear that? She’s so f-fucking wet. Come on, baby. Harder!”, he scolded as he spanked your behind. A string of ahs escaped you as you did what he commanded, your eyes rolling as your head fell back. “Atta girl. Taking my dick so well. No one-mmph—no one’s ever taken all of me before. Not even him.”

Glancing towards your boyfriend, you moaned as his hand stroked his cock at a blistering pace as he grunted at the feeling, his eyes focused on your tits and body as they moved. 

“M-Mr. Harrington feels so good, Daddy. Can I have his cum? Please! I wanna feel him cum inside me.”

“Jesus fucking Christ. Y-Yeah, baby girl. If you squeeze his cock real tight when you cum I’m sure he could return the favor.”

Your lips crashed to Steve’s as your tongues danced together and his arms held you in place.

“Just like that, Sir. Please…I’m gonna…”

The pants that left his mouth warmed your cheek as he clung to you, planting his feet into the carpet as he thrust up into you roughly. The sound of skin slapping skin hit your ears and after a few more pumps your body trembled as you came. 

“FUCK! God fucking damn it!”, Steve shouted as his hands held you tighter to him. “You pussy is choking my dick. Fuck I’m gonna cum.”

Hastily, he tossed you to the side on your stomach and lifted your ass in the air as he shifted around behind you. Sliding his cock back inside of you, Steve set an animalistic pace as he chased his high. Leaning over your back, his palm pinned you into the sofa cushion squishing your face as he rolled his waist till you felt his release coat your insides. 

Eddie grunted above you till you listened to his voice shake as his seed shot out and hit his thigh. 

“Oh oh oh. I know, Y/N. I’m sorry.”, Steve soothes in a soft tone when you cry out as he tries to carefully pull out of you. After throwing himself down behind you, he tugs on your hips bringing you on to his lap. Just as you had with his friend, you wrapped your arm around his neck and rested your head against his chest as your eyes closed. 

“What should I do?”, he whispers to Eddie who breathily chuckles. 

“Play with her hair and rub her back or something. Tell her she’s safe.”

“Should we at least get her clean?”

“Yeah sure. Go ahead and try that.” As Steve tries to readjust you so he can stand and bring you to his bathroom, your arm holds him closer as you nuzzle your nose into his neck. “I told you, man. I’m not sure if it’s the headspace or just her but either way I love it. Makes me feel wanted…needed…”

“Hey.”, the businessman calls out as his arm reaches out to lightly hit his friend’s shoulder. “I need you, Ed. You’ve been a really good friend to me. As you can tell a lot of people like the idea of me and what that brings.”, Steve sighs as he gestures around the house. “You’ve never been like that. How, um, how was this? Did you like it?”

“I did. There was a moment there though… she doesn’t talk like that with me or misbehave at all really. It was fascinating to watch.” The other man nods at his assessment, shifting his gaze towards you as his hand plays with your hair. “What about you? Did you like being with her?”

Steve chuckles as he continues to stare forward. 

“Yeah, I did. I’m a little worried because I wasn’t joking when I said no one has ever taken all of me before. She may be really sore in the morning but yeah. I also liked you watching; turned me on a bit more. You should join in next time. I mean if she wants there to be a next time. There doesn’t have to be. I like her personality to. She’s adorable and she seems to genuinely care about you.”

Sensing something in his friend’s tone, Eddie pulled up his pants as he shuffled closer to his side and without hesitating, Steve leaned onto his shoulder. 

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah…just been a rough few weeks. It’s oddly calming having her hold me like this. Never had a woman in my bed long enough to cuddle with after. Either they get sick of me or I get sick of them.”

“Sounds about right.” 

Steve’s head tilts back to watch his friend laugh with glassy eyes before pressing his lips to the other man’s throat and peppering him with tiny, soft kisses.

“Didn’t you just cum, needy boy?”, Eddie lightly teases.

“Mhmm but I could go again if you’re playing to.”

“Oh my God, Steve, you slut.” The sound of their breath filled laughter woke you from your sleepy state. “Hey, sweetheart. How do you feel?”

“I’m ok, Daddy. Cold but ok.”

“How about we get you into a bath and then you and Eddie can crash in one of my guest rooms?”

“Oh. Alright.”, you reply sullenly causing Steve to grip your chin so his eyes could find your own. “I just thought you’d lay with us but I understand if you don’t want to.”

“Hey, I’d love to lay with you both. I just didn’t want to overcrowd you if you wanted some space after everything.”

After placing your lips on his, you grab Eddie’s collar to do the same. 

“I don’t want space. I want to feel you both hold me.”

Both men exchange a glance before getting to their feet and carrying you down the hall. 

“We can do that, baby girl.”

#############

@aol19 @livsters @dashingdeb16 @too-efn-old-to-be-here

@yesimabratandwhataboutot @eddiesguitarskills

@scarlet-witch23 @soph342 @micheledawn1975 @thatgurljen @fluffansmut

@chelebelletx @peaches-roses-sins @areiofhope @hugdealer @nerdygamingartist@bootywizzard @bexreadstoomuch @calumfmu @nailbatanddungeon 

If I missed anyone in the tags please let me know!

[enden-agolor]

i fucking LOVE the way you draw/write jesse, as someone with a chubby/buff build i kind of struggle with insecurities about my size but the way you draw him makes me feel very good. idk im describing it badly but i wanted to ask if your design for him is more chubby or muscly?

Dude thank you 🥺🩵 You described it very well.

It really depends on which time frame I'm drawing Jesse in actually.

In the beginning, I imagine Jesse is quite scrawny. I mean did you see his work out routine in the beginning? He was was doing sit ups and punching flowers. He was definitely lacking muscle (but had enough to be able to lift Reuben up and down that ladder) and as the first couple episodes progress, he stays scrawny but progressively becomes more scarred up until the Portal Hallway episodes.

The Portal Hallway episodes, it takes place many months after the events of the Witherstorm. Jesse and his friends are going on many more adventures, really honing their skills that they acquired over the past few months. Jesse is much more built now. He's buff and tough with the true heart of a hero. Although, once he and his friends get stuck in the Portal Hall, that's when things take a really devastating turn for him. Feeling hopeless and lost for weeks on end, he begins to feel withdrawn from the positivity he was feeling before he ended up stuck here. Traumatic events keep occuring, and with these events, Jesse is of course drawn to remember and replay the events of Reuben's death in his head. He keeps the most of these feelings to himself because his group is already feeling so disheartened about their current situation that the last thing he'd want for them is to know that he's breaking emotionally, so he ends up taking less care of himself. He starts eating with the idea that he has to stay strong for his friends, but even those moments are rare. Food is scarce depending on what portal they are in, so when he finds food, he'll take anything that will keep his energy and strengths up.

By the end of it all, he's actually put on a significant amount of muscle. But it's kind of like a 'at what cost?' scenario.

Things get a bit better for him between then and Season 2 where he's eating better again and keeping all that muscle, but once Season 2 comes and goes, and with everything that happens in the Sunshine Institute and the Underneath, he loses a lot of weight.

It's only after Season 2, where he stays in BeaconTown and eventually finds a love life with Lukas when he really begins putting on weight once again. He's done with hero work. He's done with going on crazy life threatening adventures. Now he just wants to live life for himself rather than putting others first. Lukas helps him a lot through this, with body positivity and lots of love and affectionate touch, it's all the reassurance Jesse has ever needed to feel okay with being himself again. So he ends up putting on that happy weight that couples typically adopt over time when they're in a healthy relationship. Lukas treats him so, so unbelievably well. Finally Jesse gets to eat food for himself without the idea of needing to keep himself strong and powerful once he's finally retired. He indulges himself in his sweet tooth and loves to eat cookies, cakes, and other baked goods that Lukas will bake or bring home. He also really enjoys the fact that he doesn't have to eat alone anymore. He loves sitting at the table and enjoying a meal with his hubby. And the best part, which is something Jesse was horribly self conscious about, is that Lukas loves and adores his pudge. He is so supportive of Jesse's eating habits, but he doesn't hesitate to sneak veggies and fruits into Jesse's lunch box for work.

So yeah uh Jesse is chubby, buff and loved at the end of it all 😍

Here's some lil doodles of him I have lying around. The first one is pretty old and could probably use a touch up since now I don't see much of a difference, but you get the point ☠️

[mybworlds]

Alive

Pairing: jackson!joel miller x f!reader (no use of Y/N)

Summary: You, after a very long trip alone across the country, arrive in Jackson. Joel is a very lonely man and after Ellie broke up with him, he's even more alone and grumpy. Tommy and Maria decide that you're going to stay at Joel's house for a while, at least until more houses are built. Will your cohabitation be easy? Or will it be more complicated than everyone thinks?

Warnings: use of you, use of alcohol, loneliness, suicidal thoughts, suicidal attempt, a short story about sexual assault that occurred in the past I won't go into details, another SA in the present days, violence, blood, lots of sexually explicit content, use of petnames, dirty talk, fluff elements, mutual pining, the main characters spy on each other for a while, the image of the female character has the sole purpose of representing the character, but you can imagine her however you want, no physical description of the female character except for long hair often gathered in a ponytail or braid, she wears a bra and jeans (most of the time).

Extra warnings for this chapter: spoilers about the second season and an important event that characterizes TLOU2.

Masterlist

follow @mybworlds and turn on notifications to get notified when I post new fics

Thx for the dividers @saradika-graphics

You avoid Joel.

You know he had nothing to do with what you lived again, he helped you, made you tea, prepared food, tucked you in.

You know he had nothing to do with it. You've been telling yourself this for days and days, but you still can't leave your room.

Yet, you stand looking out the window all day, you're scared.

Again.

The snow continues to fall heavily and covers the ground around the house.

You are back to observing the city and its inhabitants from afar. You feel like an intruder again to everything that happens around you.

Joel knocks on your door twice. It's a conventional sign that Joel has adopted to tell you that he's brought you something hot to eat.

It seems like he cares about you, but you know he doesn't. He told you so clearly that he doesn't care about you.

You turn towards the door and you go to open the door. When you open it there’s Joel only.

His look is unreadable.

He opens his mouth as if to say something, but then he reconsiders.

You stay like this. Motionless, one hand on the doorknob and the other at your side.

His hazel eyes bore into your. You gulp.

Then, he seems to regain a hint of control, "Um, I'm about to go on patrol, you have to come." he says hastily.

You swallow, "I have to?"

He nods, "Yeah. Are you coming?"

You sigh, "What about Jesse? Tommy? Vasquez?"

"I need ya." he replies, but shortly after saying it he realizes the manner and words chosen. He clears his throat, "So?" he asks you impatiently "Will you come?"

You sigh, “Okay.”

Joel nods before to walk away, you hear him go downstairs, while you stare at where Joel was standing a moment before, he's so weird.

You shake your head, deciding to ignore everything and focus on the patrol. You put on your scarf, gloves, hat, snow boots and jacket and head down. You take your bow and arrows and you reach him.

The door of the house is open and Joel is there in front: his hands on his hips and his gaze turned outwards, his rifle askew.

"Ready." you say alongside him.

He turns to you, looks at you, you lower your gaze and look outwards, then back at him "Shall we go?" you ask him.

He nods with a poorly concealed smile.

When you leave the house, you reach the horses and Joel asks you "Do you wanna help?"

"No, I'll handle it myself." you respond by mounting your steed.

You tighten the reins, observing the horse's mane, feeling a vice in the pit of your stomach. You know he's just trying to make you understand that he's there, but you don't want to be treated differently. You would feel even worse.

You join the others in silence, "Hey," someone greets you, others give you a look full of compassion that makes you look down. You don't want to be treated like a victim. You couldn't stand it.

Jesse places a hand on your back getting your attention, “It's going to be okay.” you nod with a small smile, then he says “Okay, this time Joel, you and Tommy are going to the valley. Stone and Clark towards the mountains, you and me instead" he says turning his gaze towards you "in the woods."

You nod as Joel approaches you.

"Jesse, I thought she and I could go together," you first look at Joel dumbfounded, then you and Jesse exchange looks.

"Um, Joel, you know that area so well and so does Tommy. It's for the best. We'll meet back to the radio tower in four hours." he adds, addressing all of you.

Joel looks down, almost looking disappointed.

Jesse walks away and that's when you turn to him, "Joel?" he looks up "I'll be fine." he nods, resting his eyes on yours, "Promise." you add placing a hand on his forearm before to leave.

"What was that?" Tommy asks his brother.

Meanwhile, the two brothers head towards the valley, always keeping an eye on the area around them which is quiet for the moment.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Joel replies despite having understood exactly what his brother is referring to.

"Don't get vague with me. I recognize that look and I haven't seen it since... before Sarah was born."

Joel sighs, looking left and right. His love life has always been a disaster and even before the birth of his daughter, after his mother left them, he no longer had anyone other than sporadic encounters once or twice, but then he returned to Sarah and she was the only one to whom he had dedicated himself completely.

"I'm serious, Joel," Tommy continues, "if you were to finally start a new life, I'd be happy and I'd give ya all my support."

Joel mutters to himself. You are pretty, sweet, you are fragile even if you do everything to hide it, you are brave, but that's not the point. The point is, he doesn't know if he's really ready to take off that armor and show himself for who he really is. Although he himself has difficulty understanding who he is now, who he has become.

"Think about it." Tommy says.

"There's nothing to think about! I can't stand her!"

Tommy sighs, "If you want to prove that you're a tough one, don't do that. You'll just risk pushing her away." Joel's gaze is blank "If you don't want to get teased about that, it's different!"

"Stop ranting, move!" Joel snaps.

Tommy chuckles shaking his head "Okay, heart of stone, let's move our asses!"

The vegetation is covered by a thick blanket of snow, the horses pass two fallen trees, a fence and the remains of a house. They can only hear the footsteps of their horses in the snow and their breathing. The two siblings look around and apart from a few infected people and a couple of hares they find nothing else.

"There's nothing here. Let's join the others at radio tower." says Joel making the horse turn around.

When the two brothers reach the meeting point, Stone and Clark are already there preparing a fire, Jesse is carrying a bunch of blankets and handing them out to Clark and Stone who are already there.

The Millers get off their horses and approach the others, Joel looks around perplexed, where are you?

"Jesse?" the boy looks up "Where is she?" Joel asks looking around.

"She said she wanted to be alone a little longer," he replies.

“And you did?” Joel continues looking around in hopes of seeing you.

"Joel, relax and then don't crowd her."

"I don't wanna crowd her." he clarifies "It's just..." after everything you had to suffer "she's been through a lot."

“I know,” both Joel and Jesse are silent for a few moments, “that's why you should give her some space and time.”

"I'm just worried that she's alone somewhere. This world is dangerous." Joel continues although he realizes that this excessive concern of his may sound ridiculous.

“You're a good roommate,” Jesse says, patting Joel on the back, “if she's not here in half an hour, I'll go look for her.”

Joel looks around.

No, he'll come after you.

You and Jesse found some canned food, bottles of water, and some wood. You can return to your meeting point.

It reminds you of when you grabbed everything you could just to survive, you remember how scared you were after escaping from the QZ, you remember constantly looking over your shoulder.

You were so afraid.

"All in all, it turned out nice." Jesse comments with a smile.

"Huh? Yep! Yes, indeed." you reply, but you're distracted.

Jesse is silent, as you.

Then you dare to ask him, "What happened to those two guys?"

Jesse doesn't need to know who you're referring to, he knows.

"The next day the council met and they were expelled. They won't be able to hurt you anymore." he tells you in a complacent way.

You nod. So, they're out here. Somewhere. Maybe alive or maybe dead or maybe infected.

You swallow and think if those policemen had listened to you in that QZ, you might not have done what you did, maybe you wouldn't have run away.

Your head is spinning and you're starting to break out in a cold sweat, you feel like your arms and legs are paralyzing, you choke.

"Are you okay?" Jesse asks you, coming next to you.

“Mhm, mhm” you moan “You go ahead, I'll catch right up."

"It's not a good idea."

"I insist, go. It's not my first time alone, Jesse. It's okay." you say feeling your breath getting shorter.

Well, actually, it's not.

Jesse tells you something like he's going to start moving forward or something like that before to leave, you feel paralyzed.

You can't breathe or think. You're terrified. The anxiety is growing more and more inside you, it's becoming unbearable. Your heart beats so hard, it feels like it's going to explode in your chest.

You remember that evening when you left the QZ, you remember your only three surviving friends who told you not to leave the quarantine area, but instead you did with a backpack on your shoulder and as many supplies as you could bring with you. You had just killed the man you thought loved you who instead raped you. You're a killer and it doesn't matter why you did it, but that you did.

You didn't even realize you'd fallen off your horse and been submerged in the snow. You breathe hard, you move your eyes left and right, unable to move.

Everything you've ever felt is eating you alive.

What you lived, what you did will never change.

Never.

Never.

Never.

He had to pay for it, but did you have to do it?

You're a murderer.

"Hey, hey, hey," Joel grabs your shoulders making you re-emerge from the snow that had partly covered you and making you sit down "breathe, breathe slowly. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth."

“I can't breathe,” you tell him in a strangled tone of voice moving your eyes only.

"Yes, you can. C'mon, kiddo." he says positioning himself behind you making you rest your back against his chest "Do you feel my breathing? In and out. In and out."

You're shaking, “Joel,” you say, gripping his jeans in your fists, “I… I…”

"Sssh, sssh, it's okay, even if it doesn't seem like it. Don't worry. Breathe."

You continue to convulsively tighten his trousers, while the nature around you slowly regains shape and color.

"It's okay," he continues, holding your shoulders with a firm grip "In and out, in and out." he's silent for a few moments "I don't know what triggered it, but everything's fine. The past can hurt. But it's not here. Sssh, can you feel it? It's already better." he whispers in your ear touching your shell with his lower lip, "Come on, again."

You close your eyes and you do as he told you and very slowly the grip on his jeans loosens until it's completely loosened.

He doesn't speak, he still holds you in that position, then when he feels that your breathing has returned to normal he loosens his grip.

"How you feel?" he asks in a murmur in your ear.

You nod, “Good.”

"Okay." he says getting up and offering you his hands which you grab and standing up too "Let's go." he adds and together you go to the field.

Evening comes and you and Joel are on watch, secretly observing each other.

You want to ask him why he behaves so differently. He would like to tell you that he knows what haunts you about your past, but he knows that if he did, you might get mad at him. And you wouldn't be wrong.

You are almost next to each other again in front of a broken glass window, it's cold that evening too.

You wrap your arms around yourself, massaging them to warm yourself up a little despite the jacket.

"Cold?" he asks you.

"Freezing." you answer trembling.

He stands up and hands you a blanket that it enveloped him, “No, what about you?” you ask him questioningly.

"I’m fine." he answers you, but his red cheeks and nose tell a whole different story.

"Sure?"

"Yep," he mumbles moving away from you, but staying close to the window.

You visibly relax under that blanket thanking Joel with a look.

"Have you already participated in other patrols of this type?" you ask him curiously.

"Yep."

You nod, staring at the darkness outside, "How did it go with Tommy?" you ask him.

“Good,” he says nodding.

“Um, you and Tommy…” you don’t know if you can ask.

“What?” he asks you, frowning and narrowing his eyes.

“How is your relationship?” he tilts his head to the side “Do you get along?”

"Well, let's say that every time we're together we end up fighting each other."

You look at him, "But you love each other."

"Yes. Well, I guess we have a typical sibling relationship."

"I guess so."

Joel watches you, you are thoughtful. As always. He would like to help you, but he knows that it's impossible.

“Do you have brothers?” Joel asks you, looking at your face. “Or sisters?”

“No, I was an only child.” you take a short pause “But I had a friend who was like a sister.” Joel listens “She was my best friend. We were always together. We were together when it all started,” you tell him, you stop for a moment thinking about her "Joel?" you ask looking up at him finding his eyes already on you “Why?” he cocks his head to the side “Why do you treat me differently? I thought you considered me a burden, or someone to get rid of at the first opportunity."

Joel doesn't answer right away, he looks at you for a long time and when you think he won't answer you, he instead replies "What happened to you affected me a lot."

You tsk, you knew it. Now he feels sorry for you. What you didn't want. You have always hated those words like 'it must have been terrible' or 'poor thing' or those looks with which they make you feel worse and feel a broken piece that needs fixing.

"So, for you too I'm someone to keep under a bell jar, to treat as if it could break at any moment, right?" you retort him.

Joel quirks an eyebrow, but doesn't answer. At least not right away, he observes an unspecified point and then says, "What happened reminded me of how self-destructive mankind is." you stare at him waiting for him to make a comment about you, but he doesn't "I did some horrible things that I'm not proud of. I’d say that I did it to save my ass and the few people I cared about, but deep down I know that I'm not a good one." he tells you by opening up to you for the first time.

You look at him and see him still stare into space. His facial features are tense, you can see him grinding his teeth, "What did you do?" you ask him in a low voice.

Only then does he look at you, "I've seriously injured and killed, stolen, looted corpses, sold contraband, beaten innocents and not ones, I drank until I forgot who I was. The prototype of the good guy, y'know."

You purse your lips, lowering your head and huddling in the blanket.

"You must have done it for a reason," you just say although you ain't convinced by what you say. You don't want to judge him, after all you don't know him and you too have done horrible things to get there.

"You believe?" he tsks before approaching you, you remain still. You gulp and look up at him “What if I only did it out of pure selfishness?” he looks at you “Is this a good reason too?"

“You did it to survive.” you reply quickly "I'm sure of it."

"And you didn't?" You look at him, "Didn't you do it to survive? I mean, whatever you did." he adds looking you in the eye.

You lower your head, stare at your feet, with those words Joel seems to have sucked the air out of you. You bring the edges of the blanket closer, holding them to your chest. You close your eyes and breathe deeply through your nose, then open them again.

"Our stories are different."

He nods "That's not much, but for sure," he comments "but there's the same epilogue, don't you think?"

"If you say so." you reply, looking at the darkness outside.

For a while you stay in silence, the only sound in the background is the chirping of crickets and the hooting of owls, every now and then you hear small movements around you, you make sure that they are only small animals and so nothing to worry about.

Jesse, Tommy, Clark and Stone continue to sleep blissfully.

You know you should keep watch and be vigilant, but your eyes are so heavy. You do everything you can to fight this pressing sleep, but in the end you give in.

You almost feel like you're being pulled upwards as if invisible wings were levitating you in mid-air and you feel so light. For the first time in many years you have a complete head emptied, free from any thought. It's so beautiful. You find yourself smiling in your sleep, how much you wish your life was this warm and soft too.

When you open your eyes, you immediately sit up, fuck, you were supposed to be on guard with Joel and instead you're there wrapped between two very heavy and soft blankets on a couch not too far from your lookout point and you look like an idiot. You cover your eyes in shame, now you've given Joel Miller another excuse to fuck with you. How stupid!

You expect giggles or mocking digs and instead all you find is Tommy drinking what looks like coffee outside the building "Morning," he says hearing you behind him looking at you sideways.

"I'm sorry, I fell asleep," you justify, rubbing your eyes and then looking around, "where’s everyone else?" you ask, looking for other faces nearby.

"Everyone's back except Joel and me." he replies by rubbing his hands to warm up, you are about to ask him where he is, but Tommy precedes you "He heard a noise and he went to check."

"And you let him go alone?!” Tommy looks at you and at that moment the look is identical to Joel's "Relax, ma'am, he's a grown man and he can stand up for himself and then he practically forced me to stay with you." you do your high ponytail again and immediately go inside and grab your bow and arrow, "Hey, where are you going?"

"Looking for him, which direction did he go in?" you ask him, slipping the bow over your shoulder.

"Don't be ridiculous! It's imprudent to venture out alone!" Tommy exclaims.

"Your brother is out there and I'm going to see if he's gotten into any trouble, will you come with me or will I go alone?" you reply using a tone that doesn't allow any replies.

Tommy rolls his eyes, "So stubborn!" he whispers shaking his head "Okay, let's go!" he exclaims, taking his rifle and following you.

Maybe you overreacted, but you almost felt a duty to do so. He came looking for you and helped you in a moment of great difficulty.

As you walk following the footprints Joel left in the snow, Tommy says "I have no trouble understanding how you get along with Joel! He can be very stubborn at times too." for a few steps he's silent "You would have gotten along with Ellie too if you had met her as she was a few years ago."

You turn to look at him for a moment, "I actually met her a while ago, she seems like a good kid, even if shy and angry at the world,"

"Not with the world, but with Joel!" Tommy exclaims as you frown and stop looking at him. Tommy has the expression of someone who talked too much and shouldn't have.

"What happened?" you ask him curiously.

"I can't talk about it, Joel would kill me!" He says before starting to walk again.

You raise your eyebrows with a surprised expression, but decide not to investigate. If he wants to talk about it, he will. Or maybe not.

Walking in some places is extremely difficult, it amazes you that Joel made it this far.

"There are footprints that lead in one direction and others in another, what do we do?" you ask uncertainly, clutching your bow.

"You go right and I'll go left," Tommy offers.

"But you said it was dangerous to separate!" you blurt out.

“Do you have a better idea?” he asks, as stupid as it sounds, you shake your head "Good! Then you go right and I'll go left," he reminds you before walking away from you.

You walk slowly hoping not to run into any trap, a light but cold wind picks up and you find yourself shrugging your shoulders and at the same time tightening your grip on your bow. You wonder why you are interested in someone like Joel, a person who did nothing but keep you away and push you away, but at the same time tries to keep you around.

Someone from behind pulls you away an instant before a trap snaps at your feet and you find yourself crushed against this person's chest. His hands hold your shoulders firmly, your coat is gripped tightly in his fists. You turn around only to see who saved you, it's Joel.

His expression is serious and breathless as if he ran to catch you so you don't end up with a broken ankle.

"Joel?!"

"What the fuck were you doing?" he asks sharply, taking his hands away from your coat.

"I came looking for you." you reply and his expression changes from serious to surprise. The expression in his eyes softens although the stern expression on his face has not yet disappeared "Sorry, it was stupid." you add lowering your head before look elsewhere.

"Yeah, it was. If I hadn't been here you could have bled to death or maybe eaten by wolves," you breathe through your nostrils, clutching your bow convulsively, he sighs "Let's go."

Not that you were expecting a thank you actually, but you feel a strange weight in the pit of your stomach as if you'd just been punched. In fact, perhaps receiving it would have hurt less.

It's late morning when the three of you return to Jackson. Maria and Dina welcome you and Tommy warmly, the two only nod to Joel as if he was a monster to be kept away and this different reception makes you feel really bad for him even though he treated you badly before.

You see him out of the corner of your eye, Joel leads the horse into the stable with heavy steps. You swallow, you are about to tell him to join you, when Dina drags you away inviting you to have a drink together to warm up in the freezing temperatures.

That morning, you see Ellie again at Tipsy Bison. She stands in a corner aside, you glance at her fleetingly, having a hard time reconciling what you see with the description Tommy gave you of her. Tommy's words resonate with you, she's mad at Joel.

Why?

You know it's none of your business, but you still wonder what could have happened between them that was so serious to cause such a break.

"Earth calls Moon!" Dina calls back to you, making you jump and blink several times before to answer her.

“Sorry, what were you gonna say?”

Dina rolls her eyes before smiling and saying, “I'd like you to meet Noah. He's a bit eccentric, he loves to party, but maybe you could like someone like him.” you giggle awkwardly “I’m serious. He's very cute and I think you'd get along well. I don't want to force you, but I've arranged to meet him here tonight.”

“Oh, thanks for respecting my time!” you exclaim, rolling your eyes.

“I didn't tell him he has a date with you, let's say I told him about the party here tonight and so...” she gives you a knowing wink, you roll your eyes again.

“I don't know,” you sigh.

“Try! Maybe you'll like him!��

You scratch your neck in an embarrassed gesture, “Okay. . .” you sigh, sipping your drink.

For that unusual evening, Dina insisted that you wear a dress of hers that a friend had made for her a while ago, but which she said was now too small for her. The dress itself is very simple and elegant, unusual for you. You don't particularly like this kind of clothes because they draw too many glances at you and you feel uncomfortable.

You walk into Tipsy Bison and look at how they've decorated that place. You've never seen so many lights illuminate it. It's amazing. You find yourself smiling as you look around and see Dina dancing and having fun with a guy who seems to be a great dancer. When she sees you, she waves her hand and walks away from the dancer.

“You did!” she exclaims “You’re beautiful!” she says smiling at you and you smile back shyly “This dress definitely looks better on you!”

“Thanks,” you look around nervously, “has the mysterious man arrived yet?”

“Oh yes, it's him.” she replies, turning towards the boy she was dancing with until a moment before.

You don't have time to say anything else because Dina waves the young man closer, “Hi.” He greets you. He has short brown hair and a light beard, green eyes, a warm voice and a big smile on his face. He's cute, you think.

“Hi,” you reply a little less warmly.

“So, um. . . Are you Dina's friend?” he asks you embarrassed.

“Well, I'm going to get something to drink,” she says, taking her leave.

You both look at each other sheepishly, “I'm sorry,” you tell him “I'm not used to these things.” you add, shrugging your shoulders.

“Me neighter.” he says, scratching the back of his neck “I haven't had a real date since before the outbreak,” you smile weakly “I'm Noah,” he introduces himself, stretching out his hand which you shake while saying your name.

“How long have you been here in Jackson?” he asks you.

“A few months. And you?”

“A year. It's weird that we've never seen each other before.”

“Well, I'm not a people person, I’m a very private one. I think it also depends on the fact that I was alone for a long time.”

“You don't need to say anything, what we lived has changed all of us.” you nod “The things we did to survive transformed us,” you gulp “let's not think about it now, come I'll offer you what you want.” he tells you smiling.

“A soda,” he nods “better not to drink.” you add, clearing your throat. Instead he takes a slightly alcoholic drink and then you sit down, you're both uncomfortable at first, then you find yourself talking about horse riding and playing the piano and so you have something to say to each other and actually start exchanging opinions, while there’s a gentle music in the background and someone is slow dancing. Including Dina and Ellie.

You look first at the two girls in surprise, then at Noah who smiles and looks back. “They're cute, right?” Noah asks you.

You nod, “I thought she was with Jesse, I didn't realize. . .”

It's an instant and the situation goes from being tender to tense as Seth, the owner of the place, uses an absolutely rude tone and manner towards the two girls. To make everything worse, Joel intervenes and, from what you understand, he isn't well received here. He chases Seth away from the two, or rather from Ellie, and Seth reacts to this behavior.

Luckily, Maria and Tommy intervene and separate the two men. You watch Maria and Tommy go out with Seth who blurts out about Dina and Ellie's indecent behavior towards the families and children who are in the club, but then your attention focuses on Joel and Ellie.

You don't hear what they say, but you observe the contrite look of the man who looks at the young woman and then also leaves the room. He doesn't see you, but you see the tears fly down his cheeks before he walks out of Tipsy Bison.

You feel so sorry for him that a part of you wants to run after him, but you're sure he won't thank you so you don't.

After that moment of great tension, the music starts again and everything goes back to how it was before. All in all, your evening was calm and pleasant, Noah and you discovered other passions in common and you therefore spent a pleasant evening. It hadn't happened to you for a long time and you even managed to relax a little.

When you come home, however, the scenario is anything but serene. You hear the fire crackle and find Joel in a deep state of despair, he can't stop drinking. You look at him worriedly, “Joel,” you groan sadly, you are thinking about what to say.

“Fuck off, I don't want your pity!” he blurts out, pouring himself another glass of amber liquid and gulping it down “Go away!”

“No, stop.” you desperately try to stop him, but he snatches the glass and bottle from your grasp dropping some on the ground “I don't feel pity for you, but understanding.” you breathe heavily “You know what, I want forget it too!” you blurt out, heading towards a cabinet where he keeps wines and spirits.

The bottle of whiskey is thick and heavy, you open it a little clumsily “Don't be stupid!” Joel exclaims as he approaches to snatch the bottle from your hands, but you precede him and drink from the bottle moving away from him.

“No!” you protest “I suffer too, Joel. But I don't drown it in a glass of vodka or try to forget who I am so I don't suffer. Fuck, it doesn't work like that!” you say, taking another sip of whiskey feeling the tears in the back of your eyes and feeling your throat and insides burning.

“Then, why are you drinking?” he asks you.

“So there will be two of us who will forget. You can talk to me and I won't remember a thing about what you confided in me.” you tell him, staggering closer to him without stopping to swallow that drink.

“You're crazy, you know?” he says, taking the bottle from your hands and placing it on the kitchen island. You nod.

Suddenly Joel no longer seems so clear nor his voice hoarse to your ears, everything seems to echo and the edges blur.

You don't even know how you ended up on that couch in his living room, half intertwined, he talks non-stop and you laugh about what he says or you simply find yourself snuggling closer against him. Your hand wanders along the open edges of his shirt, he stops your hand on more than one occasion, but you always find a way to start stroking the edge of his garment again until one of your fingers doesn't end up caressing the base of his neck and this time he completely wraps your hand in his and you look into each other's eyes without saying anything.

“Don't.” he tells you calmly after what seemed like minutes to you.

“You scared?” you ask placing one leg delicately between his and letting the dress show your legs and almost all of your thighs.

“‘bout what? You?” he asks, you smile weakly shaking your head “So what about?”

“That you can't have a normal life anymore. Do you ever think about your life and what it would have been like if the world had never ended?”

He breathes deeply, “To be honest, I dunno what I would have done with my life.”

“Try,” you encourage him.

He clicks his tongue and stares at the ceiling for a few moments, “Maybe… I would have started my own business company.”

You hum, “Were you in the sector?” he smiles faintly, putting an arm behind his head and in that light he doesn’t even seem that old.

“I was a contractor.” You nod. “I was pretty good, y’know.”

“I’m sure you still are, why don’t you build anymore?” you ask him curiously.

“Well, no one feels safe entrusting the construction of a house to a drunk,” he confides in you and you, in a fit of tenderness, or perhaps due to the alcohol, rest your head in the crook of his neck and close your eyes. He moves his arm again and this time places it on your back, which he caresses absentmindedly.

“Don’t be sad, lil’ one,” he tells you, almost mumbling and with a tone that perhaps was meant to be a reproach, but which instead moved you even more.

“I'm not,” you tell him, gently caressing his neck with your nose, while he brings his other hand to your thigh.

You flinch at that contact, you remember the last guy, oh it was a long time ago and the moment was anything but intimate.

Now you're with Joel and this moment has suddenly become anything but weird. It's probably the alcohol, but being with him has become pleasant and intimate. Even though he's constantly angry and sad, you know, you sense that he will never do anything that may hurt you.

His hand caresses you so gently that you shiver, every now and then you feel his nails tickling your skin and you find yourself swallowing emptyly. You close your eyes and savor that sweet touch reverberating throughout your body. You like it.

You let out a longer sigh, you feel him smile, but he doesn’t say anything.

“Joel?”

“Uh?”

“Have you ever been married?” you ask him sincerely curious.

“I was. For a while.” he tells you caressing the outer side of your thigh as slowly as before.

“I like it.” you say with a sigh.

“What? That I was married?”

You smile, “No, dummy. I like the way you caress me.”

He smiles, “You’re taking advantage of me because I’m very tipsy.”

Your smile widens, “I think you’re doing it too,” you mumble, pressing yourself a little tighter against him, inhaling his strong scent of musk, wood, leather, mint and alcohol.

Alcohol has always bothered you in terms of smell, but on him it becomes pleasant.

“I had my own opinion about you,” he suddenly tells you, opening and closing his eyes.

“Not a good one, I guess.”

He smiles, opening his eyes, “Of course not.”

You find yourself smiling and absentmindedly caressing that portion of chest that peeks out from the edges of his shirt.

“What now?” you ask him.

“I dunno.” he answers you in a vague tone.

You chuckle, “You are beautiful.” You blurt out before you can even think about it.

“This is what you think of me?” you smile at him, snuggling into his neck and kissing it gently “Whatcha doing?” he asks you as you feel him holding his breath.

“I like your scent,” you admit, deeply inhaling his scent.

You rest on one of your forearms, getting up slightly and finding yourself looking at his face that you now find decidedly pleasant.

He reaches out to your face, moving a large strand of hair out of the braid behind your ear and start caressing your cheek. Oh, his hand has such a soft, gentle touch even though it's calloused and chapped!

He caresses your lower lip with his thumb, you get the shivers without even knowing exactly why.

“You know, no one knows about these panic attacks of mine.” You pause. “I think that’s what I have, I’m not sure. Anyway, you’re the first and only one who’s been there for me. Thank you.”

He caresses your cheek with an unusual and disarming tenderness and intimacy, “Anytime.”

“Maybe it’s the alcohol, maybe it was this first real conversation of ours, but I almost feel like I don’t feel broken, but good. Alive, maybe. Yes, I feel alive,” you confess to him.

You are eye to eye. Those hazel eyes almost seem to turn honey-colored in the fireplace light.

“Joel?”

“Uh?”

“I want to kiss you,” you answer him with your eyes downcast, feeling almost suspended.

“Don't.” he says placing a fingertip on your lips.

You lower your head, “Sorry that was stupid.”

“It's not that. It's. . . Um, I don't think I remember how to do it,” he adds sheepishly.

You smile, reaching out to cup his cheek, “I trust you.”

He smiles weakly, “Is that why you drank with me?” you nod “What if I had attacked you? What if I had hurt you?”

“You couldn't. I know.” you reply caressing his right cheek.

He places his hand on yours, “You're wrong. You know nothing ‘bout me. I've done so many horrible things and if you were smart enough, you'd run away.” he says.

“And what did you do that was so horrible? You did what we all had to do to survive.” you tell him “I don't judge you.”

“And why you do?” he asks you.

“Because…” you fell silent for a moment with your head down “I killed, but not just to survive,” he looks at you in silence, slightly increasing his grip on your hand, “I killed the man who raped me. I can't stop seeing that scene before my eyes, but I can't regret what I did.” he doesn't comment on what you said, but lifts your hand from his cheek and brings it to his mouth, more precisely he brings your wrist to his mouth and kisses it delicately “I tried to kill myself. There was a moment when I felt like a monster and...” the words die in your throat.

He kisses your wrist even more intensely “Thank you.” you look at him perplexed “For coming looking for me. You were reckless, but thank you.” you smile at him.

“It took you a long time!” you tease him “I know you're sweet, but hardened by everything you've had to endure.” you add.

“Well, I think it's the same for you too. In short, you fought and even if. . . Um. . . broken, you are...” he appears unsure of the words to use “shit, I don't even remember how to give a decent compliment!” he curses, making you smile.

“Do we blame the whiskey and vodka?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“So can I blame the whiskey for what I want to do?” he nods, looking into your eyes.

You place your lips on his once, twice, three times, on the fourth he kisses you back placing his hands on your cheeks and deepening your kiss. “We'll regret it, you know?” he asks before he starts kissing you again and holding you tightly to him while you sink your hands into his grayish curly hair.

You feel so good, you look into each other's eyes for a long, long moment, then everything goes dark.

[agaypanic]

Can I request how the mbav characters would react id reader bit them and turned them? (with consent ofc)

Turning The MBAV Characters Headcanons

Masterlist

Request Something!

A/N: the scenario for these headcanons is that the characters asked to be turned, it’s not like a life or death situation like i did in that one rory fic. For their headcanons/scenarios, imagine that erica and rory got turned by you instead of jesse's cult

***

Benny

Would probably be so stoked about it

He’s a wizard and a vampire ???

Thinks he’s the coolest mf ever now

“This is so cool,” Benny said, staring in the mirror at his lack of reflection. He waved his hand around in front of him, but the mirror showed no evidence of him being there.

“Glad you think so.” You say, silently laughing at your boyfriend’s antics.

“Hey!” Benny exclaimed, whipping around to look at you. “Do you think if I got scratched by a werewolf, I’d become, like, the ultimate supernatural creature?”

“I dunno.” You answer. “And frankly, I don’t really wanna find out. I think being a vampire wizard is enough for you, Bens.”

Benny pouted, looking back at the mirror.

“You know what sucks?” He asked, and you started to panic internally. You hoped Benny wasn’t having reservations or regrets about this, because there was no going back.

“What?”

“I’m gonna be young and hot forever now, and I can’t even look at myself.”

Rory

If you thought Rory was excitable and hyperactive before, oh boy

Sometimes, you regret turning him because he’s not very secretive about his new identity and activities

But he’s so happy and optimistic that you forget all your worries

Teaching him how to feed at first was a bit funny

“You got your squirrel?” You ask, looking at your boyfriend.

“Yeah.” He responded, looking at the furry creature.

“Okay, now sink your teeth in and drink.” You instruct, doing it first as an example. Rory watched you with both fascination and disgust.

“Gnarly.” He muttered to himself. After taking a deep breath, he copied your actions. When you were both done feeding, he took his mouth off the blood source and started to spit. “Gross!”

“What?” You looked at him, confused. “Rory, the blood’s supposed to taste good.”

“It does, but now I have fur in my mouth!”

Ethan

Ethan being Ethan, I feel like he’d be having a crisis the entire time

Both before and after the turning

It takes a lot of thinking and convincing for him to agree to it

And then afterward, he doesn’t necessarily regret it, but it takes a while for him to calm down

“Oh my god,” Ethan muttered, feeling his fangs with his fingers. All of his senses were heightened; he felt so different. “Oh my god.”

“How are you feeling?” You asked worriedly, laying a gentle hand on your boyfriend’s shoulder in hopes of grounding him.

“Different.” He answered, still tracing the points of his teeth.

“Good different or bad different?”

“Well… on the one hand, I’m pretty much invincible now, which is cool. And we’ll never have to worry about me getting older than you, or me dying. I’ll live forever.” Ethan nodded along with his reasons, before his eyes widened in realization. “But on the other hand, I’m gonna live forever! That’s, like, a really long time!”

“Okay, okay, okay.” You grabbed Ethan by the shoulders, making him face you. “That may be true, but we can take it one day at a time.”

Ethan nodded, seeming to calm down a bit. But then another thought crossed his mind.

“What if blood is gross?!”

“Oh my god, Ethan.”

Erica

Being the biggest Dusk fan, she immediately said yes when you suggested it

After she turned and realized she didn’t need glasses and had gotten more attractive, she was ecstatic

Her ego and confidence went through the roof

But you’re the only one allowed to even think about her pre-vampire self

“What are you nerds doing?” Erica asked as you approached Benny and Rory, who were dressed like they were about to go on a safari.

“We’re gonna go hunt vampires,” Rory answered excitedly. He looked like he was about to elaborate, but Benny interrupted him.

“Don’t call us nerds.” He said to Erica, rolling his eyes. “Before you were a smoking hot vampire, you were a mega nerd, remember?”

Erica hissed and bared her fangs at Benny, making him jump back in his seat in surprise. But she grabbed his shoulder so he couldn’t get away.

“Remind anyone of that again, and you’re toast.”

“Got it,” Benny said with an even but stiff tone. Erica grinned.

“Good.” When she let go of Benny and turned back to you, her fangs and yellow eyes were gone. “Come on, Y/n.”

You walked away from Benny and Rory, hand in hand. Out of earshot of anyone around, you looked up at Erica with a fond smile.

“I remember when you were a mega nerd,” you said, giggling as she huffed. “You were a cute nerd.”

“Shut up,” Erica said, rolling her eyes. But you managed to catch a glimpse of her small smile.

***

Benny Weir Taglist: @batmandallyboy

[glendasguidance-inactive]

🫖 pick a picture ☕️🧣🍪

Full Moon in Cancer

₊˚ʚᗢ₊˚✧ﾟhow to pick // disclaimers ✧˚ ༘ ⋆｡♡˚

Here are some messages for you this full moon <3

spread: Biddy Tarot Full Moon spread // decks: Rider Waite tarot, Find Your Purpose by Jess Sanders

Pile 1 / Pile 2 / Pile 3

Inhale, exhale 3x, pick

★ personal readings ★ support me ★ other readings ★

★ check out this reading! → USA Post-Election (2024): How can you support yourself, your community, and Earth in the present moment and in the years to come? (for US citizens and non-US citizens - for every Earthling <3) ★

Pile 1

What have you created and manifested since the new moon?

Ace of Swords - You've been realizing how much you don't allow yourself to think certain thoughts and speak your mind to the people around you. You've started speaking to yourself in an encouraging way, and that has been allowing you to gain clarity on your worth and value as a person, grow instead of hide yourself away, live in the present moment, communicate much better, create the life you want. This is new to you, so you kinda have Bambi legs right now, but that's okay. Don't be discouraged by your mistakes or anxieties, the more you consider your own opinions and use your voice, the more confident you will feel. Also, be smart about speaking truth to power. People who have power over others often do not operate with fairness and justice in mind, and will punish people that question it or their choices. Which isn't fair. And I'm not going to enable that behavior by telling you "that's just how the world works" - what I'm telling you is to think before you act on an impulse. If you realize it's not safe to act on your first desire, what is a way you can still achieve the same goal while protecting yourself? If you feel it's right to be confrontational, be prepared to handle reaction and backlash. Like the imagery on the card, think of these moments like sword fights - these are moments to be a samurai, not a novice. Let your friends help you.

Where are you now?

Judgement reversed - I believe there's been malicious gossip going around about you, and you've been sensing it. You probably realized when the people you get along with the best have been distancing themselves from you, and not acting as friendly with you as they normally do. I'm sensing more strongly with this pile that you may be receiving a lot of blame from a group you're in (family, a friend group, work, volunteer group, etc). And that it's a reaction to you attempting to hold someone accountable for hurting you or others, or enforce the agreed upon guidelines. Whatever it is, it's unfair. You feel astonished by this wake up call. But, the shock of the ice cold truth of what these people's true colors are is giving you an opportunity to have something you've needed for a long time. A choice to make for yourself. I sense you've usually gone with what other people decide, feeling too anxious to make decisions or believing your role in life is to follow what the leaders (or men in general) tell you to do. Baby girl you are NOT a plastic bag drifting through the wind. What is in your own best interest? Following that isn't selfish, it's self preservation.

What is coming into your conscious awareness?

9 of Swords reversed - You've realized you've gotta let go of a lot of stress and stressful people. You can't live like this anymore. It's been hurting you. You were putting a looot on your plate that wasn't for you to take care of - it was other peoples' responsibility. You probably had kind intentions and just wanted to help, and it was very kind you did that. People took advantage of your innocence. You'll have a "fuck it, I'm done attitude. This is good because there's nothing for you to feel guilt or burdened by. Moving forward as you heal, reevaluate your needs, wants, and values in relationships. Don't list things that make relationships functional as the top things you're looking for. Trust, honesty, kindness, patience, etc aren't "high standards" (a bullshit phrase imo), they're foundational to every healthy relationship. First, learn or review how to recognize basic green flags in people, and then learn what traits you like and appreciate (humor, spontaneity vs planners, night owls vs morning birds, club goers or book worms, outdoorsy vs indoorsy, etc). Accept help and support from others at this time, you might be surprised at who helps you / is a safe person.

Quote Ask yourself what is really important and then have the courage to build your life around your answer. - Lee L. Jampolsky Affirmation I am guided by what I value most. Journal What are my top five values?

🦢 ♥︎ much love - Glenda ♥︎ 🦢

★☮︎★ support people affected by Jan 2025 LA wildfires ★☮︎★ support incarcerated firefighters ★☮︎★

Pile 2

What have you created and manifested since the new moon?

6 of Pentacles - Did you know that life can be good again? Probably not for a while. You've recently spent time around children or saw children playing and helping each other. This hit you with some sweet nostalgia, making you remember playing, being silly, and having fun - and how you could make any mundane moment playful, silly, and fun. You've realized you can still do that right now. Fun is always here, we just have to make it. And isn't it fun to make it? And yes, the world can be kind.

Where are you now?

3 of Cups - You're fuckin' live laugh loving your life - go you!! You're partying and being silly with your friends, going on adventures, and being a goofy goober. You're connecting with new friends, and making new friends along the way. If you don't currently have friends, this is your time to make them. You won't connect with everyone you meet, and that okay. The kind, safe, loving, fun friends you haven't met yet are waiting for you to come say hi.

What is coming into your conscious awareness?

Queen of Wands - This is how you become a badass, a boss ass bitch, slay queen pussy boss boots house down serving cunt. Just like with self love, how we learn we are lovable by being loved by others and accepting their affections, the same goes for confidence. I guess they’re one in the same really. When you have fun, and then others positively respond and have fun with you, it reinforces with you that you are good as you are and how wonderful your light is. It gives you protection from people who try to dim it - they can’t make you believe you should. So go make friends, and call up the ones you have. Making your own fun is empowering you to make your own life, and you’re growing into yourself. How exciting it is to find out what you’ll do, what you’ll make, and learn more about yourself. How magical it is to constantly discover goodness and kindness and love everywhere again. You are ever expansive and love is infinite. 🌌

Quote Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong. - Ella Fitzgerald Affirmation I will experience challenges, but I will never let them stop me from doing what I love. Journal How have I been able to overcome challenges in the past?

🦢 ♥︎ much love - Glenda ♥︎ 🦢 ★☮︎★ support people affected by Jan 2025 LA wildfires ★☮︎★ support incarcerated firefighters ★☮︎★

Pile 3

What have you created and manifested since the new moon?

Chariot reversed and 3 of Swords - You finally got the care you’ve needed, but it also comes with a significant life change, and that involves grief. I believe most of you got a new mobility aid. If not, then there’s something about a car, bike, or public transit. Because I got an image of a wheelchair very strongly in my head, I’m going to focus on mobility aids and disability moving forward in the reading. I’m sure all you’ve been wishing for has been freedom of movement. You seemed to have had a specific wish though, like for your disability to be gone. Instead, you got a mobility aid. To you, this feels like limitation and restriction. I’m not saying “you’re handicapable!” or that other “inspirational” crap able-bodied people say. What I am saying is that this mobility aid is your freedom of movement - maybe for sometimes, maybe forever. It is a blessing to have one at all. Think of all the kind inventors making stuff so people can be independent and live! How wonderful is that? But I’m know it’s hard to shift to gratitude when you’re grieving. Let yourself cry and be angry and feel it all. It’s hard realizing how vulnerable you are and how much care you need, especially if you’ve been neglected most of your life or created an identity around being hyper-individualistic. Do you have a fear that people won’t help you? That’s very real, many disabled people are treated like garbage, the world can be pretty inaccessible, and right now barely anyone gets a Ms. Rona booster (the least one can do if they refuse to wear a mask). So feel and write and paint and express all your feelings about it. It’s all real and valid. Other people could be dealing with receiving a mobility aid they were excited for, but it’s not working, and it’s difficult to get repairs or replacements. Others felt excited to finally get one, but are grieving an unexpected feeling of loss of freedom because of the change. Maybe your home isn’t accessible for you now. My advice is still the same.

Where are you now?

10 of Pentacles - You’ve started to get connected with disability support groups and disability justice groups. You’ve been learning how to use your mobility aid, how to do repairs, how to make your home accessible or find a place that is accessible, how to raise money and get financial support, how to get around town, and overall do what you need to do. You’re making connections with new wonderful people who make your life better than it was before. You’re learning what community is and what it means to have one. I feel like someone has shown you how to decorate your mobility aid so it’s more fun and ✨you✨. Get crafty! 🧶🎨🪡 You’re humbled by all the love you’re receiving just because you exist, that you don’t have to “earn” it. That’s how love has always worked, you just didn’t know yet.

What is coming into your conscious awareness?

5 of Swords reversed - You’re no longer engaging in battles that make 0 progress for your relationships, and only make you feel hurt and exhausted from the stress. You’re letting go of eugenist believes you’ve been taught to have, and drawing strict boundaries with eugenists / people with eugenist & ableist beliefs. You’re analyzing what you have have time for, what you have spoons for, and frankly you feel good cutting all that harmful crap out. You’re learning how precious your peace is, and that it’s worthy of protection, respect, and regard.

Quote Your purpose or passion or "thing" doesn't have to become your work. It doesn't have to be something you make money from. Sometimes the things we love doing need space to be what they are without having to make them into something formalized. - Dr. Rebecca Ray Affirmation I don't have to make money for it to matter. Journal What did I love doing as a child that I no longer make time for?

🦢 ♥︎ much love - Glenda ♥︎ 🦢 ★☮︎★ support people affected by Jan 2025 LA wildfires ★☮︎★ support incarcerated firefighters ★☮︎★

header image: click here // footer image: Jan Brett's book The Mitten // pngs: click here // dividers: click here // I do not consent to my writing, blog’s likeness, or anything associated with my work, to be used to teach any machine learning software and artificial intelligence for any purpose.

[lena-in-a-red-dress]

Prompt (it's okay if you ignore this one cos it's a bit dark/triggering): Lena, post S4 having just killed her brother & finding out about the SG secret, is suicidal, like seriously considering ending it once and for all. BUT she finds something that brings her back to wanting to live and be happy (a new goal or motivation?) Side reigncorp would be nice, having Sam there to support her etc and she's the only one she trusts right now plus she's the only one who never lied to/betrayed her. Thanks!

WARNING FOR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/INTENTIONS

----

Lena stares at the pill bottle in her hand. It would be so easy, she thinks. Just tip the bottle to her lips and swallow the lot with a chaser of bourbon. Let herself drift away into sleep. Maybe she'd get lucky and remain blissfully unaware of the vomit and foam that would likely follow. Perhaps her mind would block it out, allow her to sink peacefully into death while her body convulsed to reject the poison.

She considers who might find her. The cleaners perhaps, due to return in two days time. Or more likely Jess, when she fails to come to work or answer her phone. Certainly not Kara, who believes everything between them is fine-- that their friendship hasn't shattered into irrecoverable shards.

Kara. No, Supergirl. Fucking Supergirl.

Lena clenches her eyes shut, but the image of the hero simply projects against the backs of her eyelids. With her stupid hair and her stupid cape and her stupid, lying smile. But no. The truth is, Lena is the idiot. An idiot to think she'd made true friends, to think she could share the innermost parts of herself with someone who wouldn't turn around and use it against her.

They played you for a fool, Lex's voice echoes from beyond the grave.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Suddenly, an explosion of glass issues from her living room. Lena surges for her handgun, and carefully creeps from her bedroom. Her fingers clenches unnecessarily-- angrily-- against the trigger when she recognizes the caped figure that rises shakily from the floor. But she doesn't fire.

"Lena?" Kara croaks, cradling her middle as though her ribs are broken. Lena watches her scan the living room and kitchen before locating her outside the bedroom. "Lena..."

"What do you want?"

She means it to sound angry, or at the very least irritated. Instead, she just sounds tired, even to her own ears.

"Something's happened to Alex-- to everyone. The DEO is compromised. They--" The hero grimaces in pain. "They tried to kill me."

"So you came to me."

"I hoped you wouldn't be affected. Whatever it is... it's bad. It's really bad."

Lena tries to feel something. Concern, outrage, curiosity-- anything. But she can't. She feels flat, like the air has deflated from her, leaving her a sagging balloon, pressed down by the weight of the air around her.

"Kara..."

Lena sees the exact moment the name hits home, and its implication hits home. Her eyes close in resignation-- not apology, Lena notes distantly.

"You figured it out--?"

"No."

Kara nearly sighs. "Your mother?"

"Brother," Lena allows, "but interesting that you know Lillian knew."

Lex was right. Everyone in the world but her knew the truth. Even her mother. And Kara knows that Lillian knows. That she allowed Lena's family to know the truth, but not she herself.

Fuck her.

"And now you've come to the Luthor you've managed to keep in your pocket."

Like always, Lena notes. Every time she's been involved with Supergirl and her allies, it's been as a last resort. Not because they truly wanted her or her help. Because they had nowhere else to turn.

Her stomach turns, and again Lena's thoughts flicker back to the prescription bottle in her bedroom. She feels sick, and she doesn't want to. She'd rather feel nothing at all than feel this.

"Lena..." Kara straightens as best she can. "I'm not here because I have to be. I'm here because you're the only one I trust."

Their eyes lock for a long moment, and Lena hopes her gaze conveys her disbelief. The words mean nothing, and the fact Kara expects her to believe them is actually insulting.

"What do you expect me to do?"

"We need to know what's affected them and find a way to neutralize it."

"I'll need a current blood sample, and a sample from before the changes in behavior occurred for comparison."

Lena turns back towards her bedroom.

"Then I'll see what I can do."

---

What she can do, it would seem, is quite a lot. Per usual. She isolates a chemical signature in Agent Schott's blood that stands out as abnormal, and traces it back to readings taken from clothes that have arrived on several alien refugee ships. The chemical is alien in nature, but it's not long before Lena synthesizes a counteragent to render the chemical inert until it could be processed from the bloodstream on its own.

She does all this before it can spread further than the DEO. Kara looks at her with gratitude and relief and a little bit of patent awe, but Lena isn't impressed with herself or her results. Isn't this what she always does? Pulls a rabbit out of her ass and saves the day-- but never enough to breach that final circle of trust she never even knew existed.

Once she confirms all DEO employees are returned to their normal selves, Lena withdraws. She relinquishes her role at L-Corp to Sam with some easy bullshit about taking a sabbatical. She hoards her prescriptions, waiting for the moment to be right.

The night she chooses is dark and rainy. But she manages to prod herself to going to the boutique liquor store beforehand-- might as well go out sipping something luxurious and expensive.

On her way back, she pauses on the sidewalk when she hears something moving beneath the car parked next to her along the curb. When it doesn't come again, she moves to resume her march home, but is stopped again by a new sound.

A whine.

Lena hesitates. She can keep walking, pretend she never heard it. But her feet remain rooted against her intentions to leave, until she finally relents and climbs down to her hands and knees. Pressing her cheek almost to the cement, she peers under the sedan and sees the soggy silhouette of a small quadruped.

A puppy. Or some sort of small breed. When it shifts, she sees disproportionately gangly limbs and a long tail curled around its trunk. Puppy.

Lena sighs. "C'mere," she mutters, reaching her arm under the car. The dog is far enough under that her shoulder feels like it nearly dislocates before she finally catches the sorry creature by the scruff of the neck.

It yelps when she drags it out into the rain, but makes no move to escape when she stares down at it appraisingly. Short brown fur darkened by rain, small half-flopped ears, and big brown eyes. It's certainly the picture of a creature any decent human being would cleave to.

"All right," she says heavily. "Let's get you somewhere dry."

She picks the pup up and tucks it into her coat. It curls into the warmth of her chest, shivering all the way back to her apartment. She snags a towel from the linen closet before removing her coat, and transfers the animal directly into it.

Once it's mostly dry, Lena sits back and stares at the beast as it stares at her. She glances at the bottle of liquor she'd set on the coffee table next to the pup.

Lena sighs.

"You chose a hell of a night to turn up," she says drily. Lena gives the dog's head a rub before picking it up to set it gently on the floor.

"Let's get you some food."

----

(Prompts are closed)

[tulipsforyourlips]

✧˖°. i found you ✧˖°. (5)

|| the sandman x dead boy detectives ||

SUMMARY: You run the dead boys detective agency along with your two best friends. And somehow two ghosts and a living girl make it work. Until you dream one night, of dream himself.

PAIRING: dream of the endless x fem!reader

WC: 1500

WARNINGS: mentions of blood (the usual)

PART 5 ✧˖°.

You were sitting on your bed, pondering over Dream's words or actually the lack of them from last night. Why was it bothering you so much who he loved or did not? He probably had gone through an army of lovers being so ancient. You knew there was Nada, Calliope, courtesy of Matthew's inability to stay quiet for more than two seconds, and now Hope. But there was something about the first time he had said her name, pure anguish coating every syllable, that had your heart retreating into itself.

"No mate there is absolutely no way I am leaving her behind." Charles' muffled voice sliced through your silent rambling.

"Charles you cannot be serious. We can't put the entire agency to a halt because of one client," Edwin wailed.

"What's the problem?" You peeped through your door.

That's when you saw Jesse's curled form on the couch and the overheard conversation bore logic.

"She's still here?"

"Yeah." Edwin's face wore a scowl. But as he sensed the oncoming taunting suggestion from you, he hurriedly added, "which I have no problem with of course."

"Sure mate," you smirked. "I will stay with her."

Charles lifted his eyebrows.

"Yeah I am feeling super tired anyways. You guys go ahead," you assured the lot of two.

"How do you manage to feel exhausted after sleeping 10 hours a day absolutely stuns me. You stun me woman." Charles relieved a deep breath.

"Aw thankyou love," you pouted.

"Alright, Hazel keep a watch on her. And if anything strange occurs, call us immediately," Edwin spoke. "You sure you aren't staying behind because of your mysterious guy?"

You gave a mock chuckle.

"No seriously Haz how are things going with him?" Charles wiggled his brows. "Which base-"

"Okay okay okay out! Both of you."

You dropped the book titled 'Hope' with a thud on the table in front of you. You were waiting for Dream to join you tonight and in the meantime, your inquisitiveness had gotten a tight grip on you. So you had raked the library to locate Dream's past lover's record successfully, you might add. Excitement swooshing in your entire body, you flung the book open. Nothing. White blankness stared at you. You flipped through the pages. Still nothing. Are you kidding me? How is this even possible? Lucienne had told you that any being, immortal or not, living or not, had a book dedicated to their dreams and stories. Before you could lose more of your mind on the enigma on your hands, you heard the flapping of Matthew's wings. You quickly put the useless book back in its place.

"Boss wants ya."

You gaped at the apparition in front of you. Consider a rhinoceros, but bigger and scarier and from a fairy land. He was partially covered in moss and vines loosely wrapped around his ears and horn. You pitied the humans back in the waking world whose dreams the animal had ever had a cameo in. You were just glad you weren't one of them. Now not so much as the whimsical rhinoceros slowly made its way in your direction. You stretched your arm in front of you. And closed your eyes in concentration. The sounds of heavy stamping grew louder. You can do this. You have been doing this for weeks. The literal fate of the world depended on you being able to do this. You opened your eyes. Yellow eyes speedily approached you. You got this. Blinding pain seared through your palm where the pointed horn of the creature tore through your skin and the acute scent of copper wafted into the air. Dream raised his hand to dispel his creation.

"No!" you shouted. "Don't."

"Haz-"

"I got this." You got this.

Blackness seeped into the periphery of your vision but you reeled your focus back to the huffing beast in front of you. He started towards you again, sand flying from the rear of his feet. You shut your eyes. Enough. You are chosen for a destiny far greater than yours, Dream's words from your first encounter surfaced in your mind when you had accused him of being a serial killer. So much time had passed since then, so much time putting your body and mind through vigorous training, so much time withholding yourself from your bestfriends, so much time with Dream, who had placed his faith in your hands, gentle and soft. A faint energy began buzzing in the core of your soul, spreading throughout, tickling every nerve in your body and roaring in your ears. You opened your eyes, the creature's angry black pupils crashed against your outstretched bleeding hand, almost. The second his bristly face came in contact with your touch, his pupils dilated and he skidded to a stop. Your hand glowed with the hum of energy that slowly receded back from wherever it had come from, inside you. The animal leaned into your touch before pulling back and leaped away to from wherever Dream had summoned him. Dream. You tilted your head to where he stood, his lips twitched upwards all so ever slightly, a ghost of a smile. A fire ignited in your heart, from where it trickled down your insides, painting them warm, at the sight. He walked towards you and the wave of adrenaline rush that had kept you distracted from your punctured hand that was reddening the sand below, died down. Before the blood loss could take its toll on you, Dream's calloused yet silken fingers wrapped around your wounded hand. His touch though cold, lit your skin on fire. He rubbed sand over your hand. The blow of the pain simmered down to a dull ache. He severed the contact between your skins, leaving behind an abrupt chill. It was as if your body was calling for his hand again, craving for his touch.

His perfect lips parted, perfect? you perverted brain get a grip, "Hazel? Hazel?"

Shit. Were you staring? "Yeah,"

"How is your hand?"

You looked down, a black cloth was tied around it. How long were you zoned out?

You might have cared for the throbbing pain still lapping around it if you weren't reveling in the ecstasy your triumph had wrought. "It's better. Thankyou."

"You did well tonight, mortal."

"Shut. Up!" You turned towards the newly joined raven on your shoulder. "He can hand out praise?" You asked incredulously.

"Unsolved mysteries of the world," Matthew replied.

Dream's lips fought a smile.

You fisted blades of grass within your fingers as you sat alongside the Dream lord in your favourite place of all the realms. The darkness was slowly fading away, a hint of pink dotting the mountain edges. It would soon be time for you to wake up.

"Dream,"

Morpheus turned his attention to you. You didn't like the intensity of it. 

"Yes mortal?"

You hesitated.

Dream's gravelly voice jeered, "How many questions do you have?" Amusement danced in his eyes. 

You sighed and laid down your head on the soft grass. "It was you, wasn't it? That day at the sisters' house. You saved me from Aura." You finally gave voice to the doubt solidifying in your mind.

"That isn't a question Hazel."

"Why?"

"Because you are important to the survival of the realms." 

You felt a brush of disappointment at his answer. What were you expecting? That made a perfect explanation for why he had saved you. This partnership was not forged out of any preference or want. You were chosen for this. He was stuck with you.

"So what happens now? With the nightmares under control- Why did you even create them in the first place? Just some merry dreams would have sufficed don't ya reckon?"

"Nightmares serve a crucial purpose. They are merely meant to reflect a man's worst fears so he can face them."

"I wish I could say makes sense."

"Don't trouble your puny mortal brain with the rules of the universe," he said in a teasing tone.

Your laugh was gradual but it came. He was getting better with his jokes. You felt Dream watch you intently. He had begun to open up. You had managed to writhe little information about his past but whatever you had, the Corinthian, Roderick Burgess, Rose Walker, he had given it up willingly. Do you ever get lonely? You had asked him your first time in the Dreaming. Even though he hadn't replied to you then, you had come to know the answer. He was just as eager for company as you were for his.

"Well back to the concerned topic, with the dreams now learning to trust again, what happens now?" You asked.

The sun had emerged from the diving nook between the mountains. Its rays spilled honey all around you. 

"We will decide tomorrow." Were the last words of your dream as you were tugged back into wakeness.