#i have a lot more thoughts on this that ill probably delve into later but yerp

[totem-but-shark]

qfoolish is building up a bit of a streak of seeing other characters isolated, ostracized or alone and stepping in. just being there for them, someone they can trust if they so wish but at the core of it letting them know there's someone in their corner. qcellbit during his attempted infiltration into the federation, qjaiden after bobby's death when the Islanders turned against her for befriending cucurucho, Pepito alone without his parents, and now qtubbo.

He never tries to sway them or control their decisions, they don't owe him their time or trust, he's not there to judge them as right or wrong, good or evil, he's no saint himself. He's company, because for all qfoolish may struggle understanding with others anger or sadness, fear or whatever else, he knows loneliness.

Maybe it stems from solitude and equally great loyaly only an immortal can understand, or maybe it's his biology. He totem, he help. There's an underlying unspoken promise to it; you don't have to be alone, I will stand by you, you deserve a friend, I will not judge you for your worst.

And the worst part of it all is that in the end, one way or another, they leave him instead.

[multifunctionalnitroglycerin]

Poe’s Annabel Lee in TLT #2

You thought I'd never post it huh? Well about a month later, here is the beast. Enjoy!

We have already delved into the most obvious parallel that the TLT books create, between John and Alecto and the heroes of Poe’s Annabel Lee. I would like to now draw some comparisons between Gideon and Harrow and Annabel Lee. This might seem a bit far-fetched, because how can John and Alecto AND Gideon and Harrow exist in the same premise within Poe’s lines?

The answer is simple. They don’t. Contradictory, I know, but a lot of that comparison and many of those parallels stem from the fact that those two pairings themselves are reflections of one another. Or perhaps picture negatives. After all, what John and Alecto had, stems from love, and it is plainly stated – as plainly as all things in Muir’s writing are, at least – whereas the beginning of Gideon and Harrow’s relationship sprouts from unadulterated loathing. We learn afterward of course that this is not really the case, what with Gideon sacrificing herself in an act she perceived as the only act of Love, she could offer to Harrow and whatnot. But the parallels are there. And it is deliberate, for John and Alecto broke the world, and Gideon and Harrow will remake it – or die trying. Muir has a wonderful way of interweaving elements in the plot and creating comparisons, parallels, and antitheses between the countless colorful dynamics in the books. So, I feel where John and Alecto broke the world, and are going to -probably – die, Gideon and Harrow will step up and mirror them, bringing hope back to the world. As @local-selkie said, the series probably won’t end without hope. Hope for reconciliation, for fixing what has been irrevocably broken, hope for breaking circles and hope for a better tomorrow. (Yeah well, I may be a cynic, but I am human above all, and if there is one thing that humans yearn for, live for and fight for, it’s hope. Naïve, childish, hope. It’s what makes us better, I think)

Onto drawing a few parallels now,

It was many and many a year ago

In a kingdom by the sea

That a maiden there lived whom you may know

by the name of Annabel Lee

Not really much to say about this one. Our story for these two starts about twenty years ago, in far off Pluto – well, the Ninth – with the salty ass underground (might point to there having been saltwater there at some point) where Wake collapsed dead, and a wailing Gideon was found. Harrow had not yet been born, and frankly neither of them would be what one would call a fair maiden.

And this maiden she lived with no other thought

than to love and be loved by me

I was a child and she was a child

In this Kingdom by the Sea

Here I feel we could consider this a reference to the shared childhoods of our heroines. The lonely, shared childhood of our heroines. For there were no other children on the Ninth, and they bitterly clung to each other with all they had. Even if it means beating each other into a pulp within an inch of their lives. Because Harrow was a child, and Gideon was a child on the far off Ninth, where there were no other children, and all they had was each other and their rivalry. So, I can see the whole “she lived with no other thought” than finding a way to make each other’s life hell. And as we see going forward in the books, that was all they could do to love each other, the only way they knew how.

But we loved with a love that was more than love— 

I and my Annabel Lee;

With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven  

Coveted her and me.

We loved with a love that was more than love, we loved with a love that felt like hatred, with a devotion that felt like abandonment, because Gideon could think of no greater act of love than sacrificing herself for Harrow, than letting Harrow consume her, and Harrow could think of no fate worse than that. Harrow loved Gideon so much the greatest act of service, of devotion, of love she could think to offer to her ill-matched cavalier was to spare her, to let her live. And they both failed spectacularly at that, but oh well. Angst.

As for the analogue to the seraphs, this is a bit trickier than John and Alecto. Because for them it’s obvious it’s the rest of the Lyctors, the Lyctors that couldn’t compete with John’s monster cavalier, the Lyctors that could never achieve their perfect connection. But who could it be that covets the connection between Harrow and Gideon? I think to be able to imagine an answer to that we should take a step away from the narrative and look at them from everyone else’s perspective. For the Niners it’s a no brainer. They know Gideon, they know Harrow, they would never think of a worthy connection between the two as highlighted by Crux’s words in NtN (and goodness if that didn’t hurt). But what about the Canaan House? Contrary to Harrow’s insecurities and paranoia, to the external observer they do present a united front. The two black clad nuns of the Ninth, with their veils and their disconcerting face paint, with their creepy/ damning/ borderline heretical prayer, the tiny unhinged necro, and the huge, silent Cav that disarmed Magnus in three moves, that seem so in sync it’s almost uncanny (“Death first to vultures and scavengers - AN ICON). So, I could see, the rest of the people in Canaan House at least envying their connection a bit, (if they haven’t already figured them out – like Pal and Ianthe), at least at first glance. And then there is ofc SYLAS OCTAKISERON, (I hate him, I am sorry, but if I could stick him headfirst to the ground I would). The Eighth generally isn’t that fond of the Ninth so no surprise there.  I am rly not sure how the OG Lyctors would feel abt them but if you have any ideas feel free to share.

 And this was the reason that, long ago,

 In this kingdom by the sea,

A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling 

My beautiful Annabel Lee;

So that her highborn kinsman came  

And bore her away from me,

To shut her up in a sepulchre 

 In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,

Went envying her and me—

Yes!—that was the reason (as all men know,   In this kingdom by the sea)

That the wind came out of the cloud by night, 

Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

Alright, so as I mentioned before, this is where the tone shifts to something more chilly, if you will. No more fairytale notions – as much as Gideon and Harrow can be perceived as a fairytale. But if we want to be particular abt Gideon and Harrow’s timeline this is the exact point where Harrow makes herself a mausoleum for one more soul, Gideon. (The pain though). I know that at first, I interpreted kingdom by the sea as the Ninth, for Gideon and Harrow, but here I think it is safe to assume that it is referencing earth again, aka the First, where the final showdown for GtN is taking place. The highborn kingsman, I think again references the Lyctors only this time we are talking Cytherea, that forced Gideon’s hand, in sacrificing herself and Harrow partly consuming her. And now Gideon is a part of Harrow, locked away in her - soon to be lobotomized - temporal lobe.

And obviously Harrow aches for Gideon, for she never wanted this to be her fate. She consumed her out of necessity, not out of want. It is the process of Lyctorhood itself that comes and takes Gideon from Harrow, that causes this painful sacrifice, and has her clutching at whatever remnants of Gideon she has, as hard as possibly, with no plan whatsoever, but to preserve her, thus rendering Gideon’s sacrifice pointless.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love  

Of those who were older than we—  

Of many far wiser than we—

And neither the angels in heaven above, 

 Nor the demons down under the sea,

Can ever dissever my soul from the soul 

 Of the beautiful Annabel Lee:

And this is Lyctorhood ala Harrow. Aka rendering the whole procedure useless, because you love your cavalier so much you cannot bear the thought of killing and consuming them. (Or well, Lyctorhood ala Ninth House, because Anastasia attempted preserving Samael first. I mean we can see that the Ninth Necros love their cavs too much – They literally both went, Immortality and immense power? No, thanks, I don’t want it without my cav by my side. They’re both ambitious enough to try, however, and we saw what that cost them).  I think that this part works as a foreshadow for Gideon and Harrow in the future, (for a hopeful future) as well as it is the part with the closest parallel to Alecto and John. Because part of Alecto is in Harrow and part of Gideon is John, and their love is enough that Gideon kills herself for Harrow, no regrets, and the stubborn, little, malnourished nunlet lobotomizes herself to spare Gideon being consumed into nothingness. So yes, their love transcended that of the other Lyctors and their cavs, because they refused to make the sacrifice, because they loved each other so much they found a way to at least stop the procedure, instead of just ling down and taking it (well Harrow did, Gideon was ready to die for her. And again. How Gideon thinks so little of herself she thinks she is better off as a sacrificial lamb, and Harrow in her endless guilt just refuses to let her – masterful and painful in equal measure. They both feel betrayed, because the other didn’t let them die, but wanted them to live.

As for the never severing the souls, I have two words for you. Perfect Lyctorhood. (Just an idea, but we’ll see)

For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams 

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes  

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side

Of my darling—my darling—my life and my bride, 

 In her sepulchre there by the sea, 

In her tomb by the sounding sea.

            Dreams of the beautiful Annabel Lee, like the coffee-shop au dream/hallucination Harrow has? Like the constant nightmares where her brain glitches replacing Gideon with Ortus?

            I must admit that this part to me also highlights the connection between Harrow – Anastasia’s Line – and Alecto. Because we meet Alecto through the dreams, because Harrow sees Alecto in her sleeping and wakeful hours, because in the dream Harrow is Alecto and Alecto is Harrow.

The bright eyes of the beautiful Annabel Lee, Alecto’s golden eyes, Gideon’s  golden eyes, and Harrow’s own dark ones, that while not bottomless pits are pretty dark in their own measure. Now the lying down next to my beautiful Anabel Lee part, is… tricky for those two. I honestly don’t have many ideas abt it. I can picture it as Kiriona and Harrow sitting next to one another in the Tomb, and together undoing what has been done, and then having their happy ending, but that’s as far as it goes.  If we take the idea that Harrow is the mausoleum in which Gideon’s soul is preserved, I can imagine that the whole thing will happen in the River. Perhaps from an access point on the Ninth, but literally this part is the one I most struggle to interpret.

Of course, we also need to take the biblical connections into account, and those biblical connections are in large why there are so many parallels between the two pairings. You have God and his offspring, that sacrifices herself, you have Harrow, who in a sense is also Christ going down in Hades in the days before the resurrection, and you have Alecto. John is Gideon and Harrow is Alecto and it’s a glorious mess.  We have parallels in a love that transcends all that was known before, we have it starting from what is perceived as hate but in reality, is the last strings of their sanity sticking together, with a few sprinkles of codependence. And again, is that love truly as beautiful as it appears?

We do tend to romanticize it a lot in the fandom, but ultimately, it’s a story about grief and loss. Harrow’s story is abt grief and loss and guilt. The future of the ninth was sacrificed for her to be born, her whole planet will be lost if she doesn’t find some way to help it, she has already lost so much and sacrificed so much to be where she is, and the last straw is Gideon’s death and coming back as Kiriona. And Gideon, Gideon that was born alone on the ninth that no one wanted, no one paid attention to but Harrow – Harrow who made her life a living hell yes, but Harrow who talked to her, even if it was just to exchange insults. Gideon abandoned by the world, that loved Harrow and harrow abandoned her too, in choosing not to utilize her sacrifice. Their stories are so interwoven with themes of love, loss, and grief, that the parallels are hard not to draw.

Anyhow, I am beat. I hope this makes sense. Feel free to add your own thoughts and comments, and don’t forget to take care of yourselves.

Till next time!

PS check out @katakaluptastrophy's post abt the descent of Christ/Harrow in Hades here.

It's spectacular, as usual (The articulation is so on point I cannot. I feel like a mad scientist reading a scholar's work every time). And perhaps with the Orthodox Easter approaching I might take the chance to revisit the scriptures myself.

And @fkapommel's post abt the duality of the Christ symbolism in Gideon and Harrow here.

I enjoyed this too much not to recommend it.

[ghostsandfools]

Gemini is so neurodivergent I don't know how nobody's talking about it.

OKAY, strap in, this one's gonna be long, and it's gonna be ranty, and I'm going to do it anyways.

Gemini is probably my favorite character... EVER. They are so perfect, I love them so much, I will die on this hill. They are the one constant for me. In this crazy, overly controversial fandom, in this crazy, overly controversial world, we all have one thing we can count on: Gemini. AND THEY GET SO LITTLE SCREENTIME! But that's not why I'm here.

So, almost everyone in TSBS has signs of some sort of mental illness or neurodivergency. This is not new. But I really wanna get into it with Gemini because I feel like nobody cares enough about them!

So, I'm going to split this up into parts. One for Pollux, one for Castor, and one for Gemini. Just to make it easier. LET'S GO!

Pollux:

So, Pollux. The first signs start to show with her when she was first introduced. She's hyper, she's unfocused, she's friendly, she's all over the place. These are very stereotypical, very basic signs of ADHD. HOWEVER, I actually DON'T think she has ADHD. I think she's just hyper sometimes. ADHD is much more that just being a little off the walls, it's a genuine disability that makes it difficult to focus or remember things, and I feel like if you dig deeper, that's not what's going on with her.

I do think that she's neurodivergent, however, in some capacity. Probably autism. I think her and Castor both have autism actually, but I'll get in to him later.

First of all, hyperactivity can also be a sign of autism. And while, when she first comes to Earth it seems as though she can't focus on any specific thing, I think that's because she's focused on Earth as a whole, explaining her interest in anything on Earth. I think learning about and exploring Earth might be one of her special interests, or maybe just exploring planets in general.

Now, the next point might just be due to technical issues, but maybe not. Pollux and Castor both have pretty blank faces, and don't have very many emotes. It may have just been a problem with their 3d modelling, so not the strongest point, but neurodivergent people and people on the spectrum often have difficulty with facial expressions, something I've also struggled with.

Pollux definitely has less neurodivergent coding than Castor does, but I think it's still there.

Castor:

Castor. I don't even know where to start with him.

When Castor was first introduced, he was very unexpressive and monotone, already a symptom of neurodivergency.

He also struggles socially, more so than Pollux. While Pollux was over-bearing, she had no trouble making friends once the chance arose. Castor, on the other hand, was perceived by most of the main cast as "creepy" or "rude", which hits closer to home than I want to admit.

But, over time, it becomes clearer and clearer that he only wants what's best. He doesn't intend to be terse, or rude, or weird, he's just never interacted with anyone that wasn't a star before.

Pollux seemed to adjust well to the environment on Earth once she learned more about the people there, but it seems Castor struggled a lot more with adapting in a new environment.

Castor is also a very private person. He has hobbies and emotions and thoughts, but he keeps them all to himself. Of course, after a while of spending time with Lunar, he starts to speak his mind more, which eventually led up to the last episode we saw him in where he yelled at Lunar for killing Eclipse. Still, I find it interesting that it took an extreme situation like that for him to finally speak his mind.

Gemini:

Gemini <3

Pollux and Castor work extraordinarily well together. They are THE siblings of all time, I love them.

I'm going to delve into headcanons for a minute here, but I feel like the other astrals don't like them very much. We never hear Gemini really talk about the other astrals, aside from basic details.

I feel like, after living with people for your entire life, your SIBLINGS, and those being the ONLY people you interacted with, you'd have some fond memories of them.

But they don't. And even now, there's tension between Gemini and the rest of the astrals. They clearly stand out. The other astrals seem to not take them seriously, and don't exactly listen to them. I feel like, from that recent scene from Taurus, maybe the other astrals, at least some of them, actively DISLIKE Gemini.

This may be why they're so unused to socially interacting on Earth. They probably spent very little time with their siblings, especially considering Nebula's existence. Maybe their siblings didn't visit them at all. That thought makes me sad.

Feeling outcasted is commonplace for neurodivergent people, as well as being perceived wrong.

Closing thoughts: Okay, I might be projecting here. I'm not sure. As someone who is neurodivergent, I identify with Gemini harder than any other fictional character. They're so special. I don't know if I'm picking up on subtext that isn't there, but if you have any thoughts, please share. I wanna know what you guys think.

[monstercollection]

I’ve been slacking with my Literary Tarot Challenge posts so I’m going to do a quick drop with summaries of the ones I most recently finished, and hopefully get around to longer reviews of them later.

The Pillow Book by Sei Shōnagon (Nine of Parchment)- diary of an 11th century gentlewoman in the Imperial court of Japan. Sei is just… the most. She’s so much. She’s petty, she’s decadent, she’s conceited. She’s 100% That Bitch. I love and hate her in equal measure.

This was an absolutely fascinating window into the Heian Era but I had to WORK for it. Reading a book written 1,000 years ago is hard enough, but as someone from the US with only a second-hand familiarity with Japanese culture, Buddhism and Shinto, there were a so many new concepts I had to learn. Lots of good appendices in the edition I read that helped with unfamiliar vocab and cultural references (and I’ll edit to include which one I read when I get home). By far the hardest book I’ve read for the challenge and the first one I thought I might not finish.

“The Outsider” by H. P. Lovecraft (The Tower)- Short story about a sad, lonely haunted monster man, so basically my bullshit. My familiarity with Lovecraft and his mythos extends to having read Call of Cthulhu in college and playing a few board games based on his stories. I think I’d have gotten a little more out this one if I’d known more about his interconnected lore but I don’t necessarily feel the urge to delve further into Lovecraft’s work. It definitely stands on it’s own as a solo story.

“Bartleby, the Scrivener: A Story of Wall-street” by Herman Melville (Four of Light)- this is probably one of those stories assigned to me in high school or college that I either read just enough to fake my way through or read but remember nothing about.

It’s a short story about a lawyer who seems to collect weird, quirky, flawed little men for employees. He is extremely compassionate and I can’t tell if the lengths he goes to for them is supposed to make him the butt of a joke or if we’re supposed to see them through his eyes and empathize with them the way he does. I feel like it’s the latter. It’s stance seems to be that no one should suffer for being weird, lonely or mentally ill.

I’m sure my high school teacher bent it into some kind of puritan morality tale about how there is no point in helping those who won’t help themselves, but it doesn’t hit that way.

Emily of New Moon by L. M. Montgomery (The Star) - I don’t understand why Emily has not gotten the same attention and love as Anne of Green Gables. This is a beautiful story deeply into the category of Magical Realism, Emily’s world is as full of fairies and nature spirits and prophetic visions as it is the injustices of early 20th century childhood.

It pushes so many boundaries. I can see why it would not have been popular in it’s own time— there is a healthy level of blasphemy from Emily and her father who believe that their loving God exists as a separate being from the puritanical God everyone else preaches about.

It also radically asserts the idea that children are whole beings deserving of the same rights as adults. Almost every child in the book is living with some kind of abuse or neglect— and it’s not treated as “period-appropriate parenting techniques” but as the actual injustice it is.

I’m going to do a longer post on Emily soon because I have SO MANY FEELINGS about it. It might just be my favorite thing I’ve read for the challenge so far.

“The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” by T. S. Eliot (The Hanged Man)- How are we all sitting around for tea when the slow march of time leads us ever closer to death? The helplessness in the face of existential inevitability made this one feel just right for the Hanged Man

“The Cold Equations” by Tom Godwin (Temperance)- Hard sci-fi short story about a pilot who has to make the choice between jettisoning a stowaway into space or running out of fuel before he can deliver medical supplies to a colony. This was emotional as hell but a really good story.

[factorialsfandoms]

A little later fairyverse ficlet for rulie’s birthday. I’d like to draw for it too, but hands are not hands tonight.

“How about this one?”

Warriors held up a little yellow shirt, with a green petal-shaped cape. Hyrule’s eye lit up seeing it - with a pink shirt, it would be perfect for his siblings who still held loyalty to Auntie Ledah. He wriggled out of the orange dress, with a little leaf-shaped collar, that he had been trying on, and tugged the shirt around his wings.

Like every other item in the pile, it fit perfectly, and still gave his wings freedom.

Then along with the top came a poofed out green skirt, decorated with pink butterflies.

“Do they make it in pink? Or green?” he asked, giving a little twirl. “The top, I mean - or pink in the skirt. Heela would love this skirt in pink.”

“I can make it in pink,” Warriors was leaning his head on the table, and still towered over Hyrule like this. “Do you like it?”

Hyrule twirlled again, considering, before diving into the pile of already tried on clothes. With a little rummaging he found his prize - a pair of lose, striped trousers in shades of dark blue. He swapped them for the skirt, and made his way back out of the pile.

“Colour or pattern or shape?”

It was a question that Warriors had asked Hyrule a lot over the course of their delving into the clothes. He was a little worried, though; Warriors had said that the clothes were for his siblings, as an apology for everything that had happened during that ill-fated visit. That Hyrule could understand, but not why he was the model - his siblings from his own time were small compared to other fairies, yes, but the taint in the magic and his chaotic first transformation had left Hyrule smaller still. Not by much, but by enough that if these clothes fit him perfectly, they would not fit his siblings.

He... should probably point it out.

But he liked these clothes, and the bird bath turned warm bubble bath that Warriors had forced him to have before allowing him near the supplied.

A bubble bath which was fun, and washing his hair which was... Nice now it was clean, but a little harrowing to perform. And then having wet wings! Warriors had helped him dry them off very quickly, but it was still scary.

“Shape,” Hyrule answered him. “But blue was Aunt Seril’s colour, and I was Aunt Ledah’s...”

After some thought, Warriors pulled out another pair of trousers. The fabric was different, and the ends a little ragged, but the stripes were much thinner and all of the fabric was green. The magic in them settled less neatly against Hyrule, but he knew plenty of different sorts by now, and could mesh it easily enough.

Really, they were perfect, except for how the fabric was starched. Warriors must have seen it in Hyrule’s face, for he frowned, “I’ll see if I can find any fabric more like the blue ones...”

Then, after another moment, Warriors pulled a final item from his bag; a little coat, all blue unfortunately, except where there was soft, white fleece lining sticking out from the edges. Even the wing slits were lined in fleece, and it came with a pair of pale-blue mittens.

It was all the wrong colours, but it looked so, so warm...

“Here, try this on,” Warriors looked a little sheepish. “I don’t have other colours right now, but the draper did have some green last time I visited...”

For the first time Hyrule hesitated. The other clothes... Everything else he would be willing to give back, but the coat? If it fit, as it was sure to do, he was not sure he would even take it off on Death Mountain. Just looking at it, imagining the fleece on his skin and soft mittens on his hands...

“Are you sure?” he whispered. “I... Am not sure I’ll be able to give it back.”

“Give it back?” Warriors’ brow furrowed a little. “Why would you give it back?”

“You said it was for my siblings?”

“I said I was making some for your siblings, I just wanted to know if they’d like the same designs,” a strange look crossed Warriors’ face. “These ones are for you, ‘Rulie.”

“Oh.”

Hyrule could not manage to process more than that as he reached out, taking the coat. He removed the cape but not the shirt before putting it on, immediately melting into the fleece.

“Temtem would like this,” he managed to whisper out. “Same colours, too...”

Warriors shook his head, “do you like it?”

Feeling a little young and a little silly, Hyrule hugged himself tightly. He hid himself in the fluff, until only his eyes and tips of his ears could be seen.

“Comfy.”

“I can see that,” there was laughter in Warriors’ voice. “Why don’t you keep it on, and I’ll get you a box for the rest?”

Hyrule wriggled somehow deeper into the coat, nodding with his entire body.

It would only be twenty minutes later that he realised he could actually definitely truly keep the clothes - and more than just the clothes, the coat, with another to be made to match but actually in his colours and maybe in his magic - and burst into overwhelmed tears.

[entropii]

🍊 🧡 🌸 💖 for my beloved Yuzu<3 (you can skip any if you haven't settled on them yet!)

Oh, these are such excellent picks for Yuzu. Some of these are definitely going to change the more I play, the more I delve into lore, meet other characters, etc., but here's what I've got so far!!

🍊 What is your OC’s favourite meal? Snack? Dessert? Drink? Any reasons behind this besides liking how it tastes? What is your OC’s most hated food? Stuff they can’t stand to eat or drink?

The most obvious answer to me is. Yuzu loves lemons and oranges. He has (I have) spent almost an entire session just gathering oranges and lemons in La Noscea and didn't even use them for recipes. Just got them to get them and to snack on. His inventory is full of them.

The other answer is I'm not sure yet! I haven't thought a lot about the food in game yet. In general I think he likes snacking on fresh fruits, will eat berries picked straight from the wild. But I think most of his favorite foods (full meals, snacks, desserts, and drinks alike) are things he'd find at home, wherever home ends up being.

He doesn't have a lot of dislikes, he'll eat almost anything, but he does tend to avoid dishes that are all mushy in texture and drinks with like. Too Much Pulp or Surprise Chunks in them. He can still eat them, but it is not his favorite.

🧡 Who is your OC’s favourite person? Why is this person the top of their list and have they actually met them (an idol or rolemodel or celeb can be someone’s favourite after all!).

In terms of characters he's met in game so far, I don't think he'd classify any of them as his "favorite", but I do think he likes E-Sumi-Yan from the Conjurer's Guild, and Laxio from Little Solace. He was fully tricked into thinking that Laxio placed a curse of turn-you-into-moss on him, thought it was very funny afterwards, genuinely praised Laxio for pulling one over on him.

Other than NPCs, I’ve been imagining he has a childhood friend from the Xaela Au Ra. No name yet, uses she/her and he/him for herself, but like Yuzu does not care what pronouns other people refer to her with.

So far I've been imagining that Yuzu is from a group of Raen who settled in a more isolated, mountainous region of Othard generations ago, and only more recently (potentially during Yuzu's later childhood/early adolescence) assimilated into Doma and Hingashi culture (Yuzu has feelings about this, I am thinking about this). Yuzu would've met her before then, where she might have known him by another name, saw her every once in a while when she was in the area.

I think one year, when she was around, Yuzu got injured somehow, or just fell ill. Severe fever and weakness? Somehow partially cracked his horns off and had screwed up proprioception+spatial awareness for a while?? During that time, she helped him out a lot, brought him fresh fruits or fun snacks for him to eat. When he was well enough, he followed her around like a puppy until she left again and stuck to her like glue whenever she returned.

And we'll see who else he meets!

🌸 What does your OC’s voice sound like? Their laugh? Are they good at singing? Do they have an accent?

In terms of the character creator, I picked voice 5 for Yuzu, thought it had the best chuckle emote for him :^). It's got that same warmth and brightness to it, but I do think his voice is a bit deeper, a little more in the chest, a little more rumbling. If I'm understanding correctly that Au Ra horns are picking up vibrations in the air, I think it's fun if Yuzu's voice is that much more tangible to other Au Ra. Sort of a pleasant hum in the horns and skull.

His laugh has a similar warmth. Big, whole-body laughter from the chest. He can sing on key, nice to listen to, but Yuzu doesn't think he's particularly good. In terms of accent, I'm not sure of all the languages present in game, how particular languages might have spread throughout the various regions, etc., but if he has an accent, it's probably one based from a dialect spoken in Othard?

💖 Has your OC ever been in love, be it romantic or platonic or otherwise? Who with and did they ever express their feelings or keep it private? How long did these feelings persist / do they still feel this way?

Yuzu has definitely been in love and I don't know if he knows what kind of love, but it was almost certainly the childhood friend mentioned previously in 🧡. I don't think Yuzu ever felt the need to keep this private from her. Told her on one of the rare reunions they had after he moved away, over a shared meal and drink under the late afternoon sun. Still loves her some kinda way, but has probably been in love with another person or two since.

[jeffwingxr]

can i just hear some of ur jeff winger thoughts. abt anything related to him. ur one of the only people ive seen who rly Gets It yknow

yes. thank you for this ask, i will talk about jeff literally anytime! i have such strong feelings about his character! which you can all probably tell by now lol!

jeff is bisexual. if you don’t agree, that’s totally okay, but i believe it. there’s genuine substance in the show that points to it, and i am confident that if this show was created a few years later, they would’ve explored his sexuality more. he’s kinda private about his sex life besides when it’s the focus of an episode anyway, so i’m of full belief that it could’ve just never came up, or jeff didn’t feel a need to bring it up. sometimes the group just doesn’t talk about certain things anyway.

i also don’t personally ship him with anyone. i don’t think through the show, (especially at the end), he was ever at a part of his life in which he could hold a stable relationship, and i appreciate his friendship dynamic with each character more than relationship-y. i don’t find anything wrong him having casual sex, or short-term like with slater, but a long term relationship was not something i believe he could’ve handled healthily during his time at greendale.

i love analyzing his friendships with everyone, because it’s clear he cares about each of them deeply, and his relationships with each are unique. i find this very telling about his character and his whole experience learning how to care about others. he didn’t have anyone really, truly caring about him before he came to greendale, and his adapting to an environment in which he is loved was certainly a change for him.

he grows to love his friends deeply despite being afraid to show vulnerability. he holds everyone at arms length and is very closed off due to his inexperience in letting people see the true him. he’s hid behind this persona of who he thought he should be- who he needed to be- for so long that in a way, he was getting to know himself as his friends were. lawyer jeff was alone in the world as he fought to survive, and gaining this found family at greendale taught him how to simply live his life freely.

this is pretty long already so if anyone has more specific asks i’ll totally delve into stuff further. also i got another ask that specifically mentioned dark topics related to jeff so i’ll talk about the darker things (his disordered eating, self-esteem issues, mental illness, etc) when i reply to that one :)

these are just my own thoughts on these few topics, and if anyone has alternative opinions that’s cool of course- and i’d totally love to hear/discuss them if you’re willing.

thank you for the ask! thank you so much for saying i’m one of the only ones you’ve seen that get it lol, that means a lot.

[p4lparker]

I’ll Save You

It was scary. After everything we'd been through; Crazy Peter Hale, Hunters and a Kanima. This was by far the worst threat we'd faced.

Virgin sacrifices.

For who knows what purpose, but still at four sacrifices, we were beginning to worry. I'd try to go through the school day- learning as normal, but all of my focus laid with a blurred face of a mutilated teenager. The next victim. Scott was worried, we had no idea who was behind this, and anyone could be next. Well not just anyone, only people who hadn't done the do just yet. I'd been keeping my eyes and ears peeled for any sign of a clue or something to help us protect people, but I had nothing. Stiles was working over drive, writing on his crime board and furiously trying to figure out a pattern or a way to put an end to it all. But no dice, and I could tell he was becoming increasingly upset by that. We were in his room. I watched as he wrote something on his board then wiped it off moments later, I watched as he tapped his pen against his teeth. I watched as he ran his hands through his hair in frustration, he tugged at the ends and groaned from the lack of inspiration and partially the pain I'm guessing. I stayed studying him from my position on the bed.

"Hey, we'll work it out- don't worry.." I said to him, trying to soothe his obviously frayed nerves. As he turned d to face me; I took my chance to really look at him. His face was pale, his skin looking as if he were ill, the bags under his eyes looked as if they had bags. I could see the stubble decorating the bottom half of his face, him being so focused on trying to keep people alive- shaving had slipped his mind. I saw the rumpled clothes covering his body, as if he'd just grabbed them from the floor, I saw the twinkle that was usually in his chocolatey gaze- was missing. All in all, Stiles Stilinski was a mess.

 "Yeah, we'll figure it out Y/N. But how many others have to die. Be sacrifices before we do. It might be someone we know next time... One of our friends! And we can’t do shit, cause we're a bunch of scared kids who are in over our heads. We can't protect anyone, especially not ourselves!" Was the snapped answer I received. I just stayed frozen in my place. My eyes wide and head angled back slightly in shock. I bit my lip, before I looked away from him. Not wanting him to see how hurt his words and tone of voice had made me feel. It was kind of lame, to be so upset by frustrated words; but Stiles had never, ever spoken to me like that. And it was a shock to the system to say the least. I looked down at the book in my lap, my fingers brushing against the page absent minded manner- trying to distract myself.

"You're right. I guess we should stop bothering then yeah? Let whatever it is take kids and murder them for no reason.. Other than them being virgins. Cause we're useless and can't win right?" I hissed, as an anger bubbled up inside me. Stiles had never spoken to me like that, and I wasn't going to let him start now. I let my eyes lift to watch as his shoulders tensed. “Maybe we should just throw all of this away and turn our backs on everything huh?” I stated, my voice getting stronger with each word- the anger fuelling me. As I shoved all of the books covering Stiles’ bed and my legs onto the floor. I stood up and stared at him-trying to prove a point before yanking up my bag and jacket. I flung open the door and stormed out. With each step I felt anger surging me further out of the house- it burned fiercely and forced me into my car, I drove myself home and settled in for the night. Slamming open the door, giving it the same treatment to close it. I stomped to my room- flinging clothes off as I went. Yanking on sleep clothes and throwing myself into bed for the night. I drifted off eventually, but it was into a fitful nights sleep.

The next morning I woke up in a similar mood to the one I went to bed in. I could still feel the rage simmering underneath my skin. Going through the motions of getting ready for the day; I soon arrived at school and was able to ignore Stiles in person, instead of just avoiding his messages and calls. Every chance I got, I avoided him. Not wanting to be near him until I calmed down. At the end of the day, he approached me cautiously; head bowed sheepishly, hands fidgeting with each other and his bottom lip pulled between his teeth. And it made my heart stutter at how he presented himself. His body language screamed that he was asking for forgiveness, and I thought I’d let him stew a little longer for my own selfish enjoyment before granting the reconciliation I’d already planned to give him. I looked at him from the corner of my eye and with my books and bag; waltzed from the building and to the parking lot. I smiled to myself as I rest against Stiles’ jeep and waited for him to make an appearance. I watched as he walked to the car, head still bowed and fingers still fidgeting- but now with the keys, he hadn’t noticed me yet.

“Stilinski!” I called, watching as his body jerked in surprise. His arms flying out to ward off an oncoming attacker; not that it would do much good. His head swinging up at a pace that obviously gave him a crick in his neck from the way he gripped it. His gaze was wide and worried until he spotted me leaning against the hood of the car. I smiled slightly and moved forwards until I could wrap my arms around him- the sadness on his face made me wish I could squeeze it from his body, once his own arms squeezed me back. I finally sighed and pulled back from him. Nodding my head to the car stood beside us, Stiles smiled slightly and let us both in. He drove us slowly to his house, and parked in the driveway before he led us both into the house. We dumped our bags by the end of his bed, when we finally made it to his room.

 "Hey nerd, I forgive you. I get it. This whole sitch is messed up. And maybe you're right, maybe we can't help people or save them or protect them. But we can try!" I murmured as I noticed his hunched body. I ruffled his already messy hair as I walked past him on my way to throw myself at his computer. I let my fingers dance over the keys- I tried to delve into why virgins would be sacrificed. But at every turn I was stonewalled. Most of the websites or 'research' was made by hacks who were probably still in their Goth phase. It had been the same thing for the last hour. Either Stiles or I groaning in frustration, as we each hit another dead end in the research. We were getting nowhere and it was beginning to make me lose hope and my mind. I looked over to see Stiles slumped, his head hanging off the side of the bed and the book he was reading was lying on top of his head. He was defeated as his tired eyes looked up at me.

 "Any luck?" He all but sighed out, gesturing to the computer behind me. I shook my head and he growled tugging at his hair. I stood from his desk chair and flopped onto the bed landing on him. He let out an 'Ooof' as I landed on his back. I giggled lightly before rolling off him and landing beside him with a bounce. He turned his face to look at my own. His eyes still looked sad, his whole demeanour was that of a stranger- and it was beginning to drive me crazier than the failed researching.

 "Alright Stilinski. You're moping is making me want to punch you.. Spill." I stated poking his cheek with my finger, it following all of the freckles and moles that were scattered about his skin. He frowned before glaring at my prodding appendage.

"Gee, I don't think punching me will help. It would probably make me feel worse, I mean then I'd be in physical pain and I may even get a black eye or something, and that would just make my mood worse. Cause then I'd have to explain how I got beat up by you to everyone.. And that is just embarrassing..." Stiles began to ramble, his words flowing out of his mouth quickly, so quickly they made me dizzy. I cut him off before my head could explode by pressing my hand over his mouth and stopping his words escaping. His eyes were wide as I felt my own narrow. One of his eye lids dropped into a wink, which made me narrow my eyes further wondering what he had planned. Until I felt something wet settle into the palm of my hand and make a trail up it. I realised with a grimace, that it was his tongue. He'd licked my hand. He'd licked my hand like a 5th grader.

 "Ewww! You licked me!" I called out, whipping my hand from his face in disgust. Stiles just smirked sticking his tongue out at me in victory. I glared at him before talking him from the bed all together. We rolled until we landed in a heap on the floor. As we tumbled, he’d miraculously managed to twist and turn until he was situated underneath me- it was impressive, and he let out another huff of air as it was forced from his body by my weight landing on him. I stared at him from above and smiled brightly at his slightly pained grimace- before shoving myself off of him and pulling him up after me.

“How about we watch a movie.. Forget about the research that is taking us nowhere for now and just relax. It looks like you need it..” I suggested pointing to the Tv in the room. I’d already decided what we’d watch, all I needed was for him to agree and to actually relax for a while; maybe then he’s tell me what was bugging him so much. He just stared at me and nodded, a faint smile painting his lips. I pushed all of the books onto the floor and from his comfy bed; much like I had done the night before, but this time I was slightly more gentle about it. I grinned and gestured for him to leave the room- meaning he was to make the popcorn whilst I set up in the bedroom. I watched as he walked from the room,  he was muttering under his breath as he went. I smiled and set to making the bed comfy, I scanned the wrack of DVD’s on his walls grinning as the exact one I was looking for was in a prized position in the centre. Pulling it from the shelf and placing it delicately in the side of his TV- I let it play through until it got to the menu and selected the play movie section. I waited until he trundled back up the stairs and plonked himself down on the bed next to me. I heard a gasp and turned my head to face him, his face was covered in a broad grin- his eyes were lit up and sparkling, his teeth were showing and his dimples looked deeper than ever. Just looking at the happiness on his face was contagious, I couldn’t help but grin back at him.  We both settled in for the movie, not long into it I noticed Stiles wasn’t as into it as he usually would be. And my mind drifted back to worrying for him. I gently gripped his hand between both of my own, squeezing softly.

“What’s wrong Robin?” I whispered softly, still squeezing his hand. He turned to look at me, but this time a grin wasn’t covering his face. A frown was; a deep frown that furrowed his eyebrows, one that  made his chocolatey gaze appear muddy, one that made my heart ache slightly.

“I’m scared Y/N.” Was all he whispered back, I nodded and wrapped my arms around his shoulders- pulling him towards me and into a slightly awkward hug. I could hear him sigh softly, as his head rested on my shoulder. I wondered how I could make thing better for him, and my mind was coming up empty; his cool breath was causing goose-bumps to raise on the exposed skin. Biting my lip to ensure he couldn’t tell of the change in my body, I could feel the shivers wanting to wrack my body. Ignoring the feeling, and deciding to pull him closer to me- slipping one leg over his hips, one leg on each side of his hips. I let my arm circle around his shoulders, running my fingers through his growing hair- as he wrapped his arms around my waist and kept his head resting against my collarbone. “I’m terrified I’m next..” he whispered so lowly, I struggled to hear his words. I pulled back slightly, causing him to lift his head and look me directly in the eyes; his caramel gaze was solemn, and I thought I could see unshed tears shining within the depths.

“Scott wouldn’t let that happen. And neither would I…” I stated firmly, looking him in the eyes- I could feel the determined expression on my face. I watched as he shook his head, obviously not believing my words. I frowned, I would save him. I wouldn’t let anything happen to this beautiful boy I was wrapped around. An idea burst through my mind, and before I could comprehend my actions. His face was turned to the side, avoiding me- I moved my face in line with his own. Gently letting my lips press against his own softly; I could feel the uncertainty in his pouted lips, his head turning to face me once more. I pulled back slowly, looking to his frowned face to see his reaction. It was apparent after a couple minutes of silence and Stiles sitting completely still- which was a feat in itself, that he wasn’t going to make a move to either stop this or push it onwards. Taking in a deep breath, and settling my shaken resolve- I pressed forwards again. My lips pushed against his own, the fusion of our lips just as gentle as before. We kissed gently for what felt like eternity; neither of us pushing it, wanting to stay in that moment for as long as possible- lips moving with each other delicately. Our lips parted for seconds- allowing for breath, but they soon met again. It was like were both addicted to one another’s lips; his were plump and smooth, as they danced with my own. Stiles left a lingering kiss on my mouth, pulling back just slightly.

“What’re you doing Y/N?” He whispered, his plush lips brushing against my own with every word he spoke- sending my mind fuzzy with the sensation, I tried to concentrate on what he’d said; but my mind was spinning quickly and slowly all at once.

“I’m kissing you.” I stated simply, before pushing my lips that last millimetre to meet his own. I wasn’t sure what he made of my response, but he didn’t stop kissing me. His hold on my waist was tight, his large hands squeezing gently, holding me to him as if he was worried I’d disappear. Shifting myself in his lap to get more comfortable, my centre coming into contact with his own. A whiny moan escaped our lips, I wasn’t sure who it came from- but it seemed like the sound had flicked some kind of switch in my brain. Gasping as his lips left my own, grazing over my chin and down to the skin of my neck. He pressed a kiss on the column- as if testing out some scientific theory, pulling back to see my reaction. I could feel my eyes were closed, and my mouth was open in a silent moan. He surged forwards and let his lips trace kisses down the delicate skin- leading towards my collarbone. When he made contact with the skin there, I let out the moan that was desperately clawing at my vocal chords to be released. He chuckled against my skin, before pressing one last kiss to it- his lips searching for my own. Finding their home against them, and pulling me into a passionate kiss. His tongue poking out to tickle against my bottom lip, I giggled at the feeling and let him in. Letting him map out my mouth, his tongue touching and tasting- dancing with my own. My fingers tangled themselves in his soft hair, pressing him more firmly against me.

His dexterous fingers traced over my sides, before settling on my hips- he pushed me down further onto him. Unconsciously pushing my hips back and forth on him, giving us both a delicious friction that had me wanting more; but I remembered this was for him. But as things progressed, I realised I needed this too. I needed to feel him and see him come undone- passion and lust shining on his face as euphoria washed over him. Pulling my fingers from his hair, settling them on his shoulders- feeling the soft material of his checked shirt beneath my excited fingers; I pushed the material to fall from his broad shoulders, revealing the white cotton t-shirt beneath. I pulled back from the kiss and stared into his eyes, tugging gently on his over shirt until it reached his wrists; he promptly let go of my hips, allowing me to pull it from his hands, letting my fingers wander to the hem of his t-shirt- I gently tugged it up. Stiles got the message, and aided me in pulling it up his lean torso; with each centimetre of skin that was revealed, I could see the smooth skin, taut and lean over the visible muscles- which jumped when my fingers made contact. Stiles tried to reach up and connect our lips again, but I denied him in favour of just staring at him. His pale skin, unmarked and tempting. His lean frame, tucking in towards his waist but broadening at his shoulders, his biceps bunched slightly as they gripped at my own t-shirt. His veiny forearms; which had stared in many of my day dreams, leading down to his nimble fingers. I could see a faint blush lighting his speckled cheeks, when I turned my glance to his face. Hi bottom lip was being wet by his tongue as it poked out of his mouth. I could feel his fingers delving under the fabric of my top, discovering the skin of my stomach. He tugged slightly at the material, and I lifted my arms above my head; allowing him to remove the top and drop it next to our bodies. His fingers traced over the skin softly, so softly it tickled and caused a giggle to bubble from my lips. He smiled at the reaction, before pressing his fingertips more firmly into the skin- he tickled me quicker, causing our joined laughter to ring out and drown the sounds from the tv playing in the background.

I pushed my lips to his, distracting his fingers from their task. They still rest against my waist and hips, but had ceased their movements; as his lips took over the movements. One of his hands runs up my body and lands on my neck- his thumb bracing my jaw as our lips move in synchronicity. I let my fingers trail over his torso; feeling the soft, smooth skin, tracing them further down until they rest against the buckle of his belt. I slipped the leather through the metal and let it fall open, before gently wiggling the button of his jeans through the hole- dragging the zip down it’s track. Stroking over the band of his boxers delicately- it was then that he gasped and pulled back from my lips; his caramel eyes dark with lust, holding a look of uncertainty as he stared from his open trousers and my eager hand- to my face.  

“What’re you doing?” He repeated, his voice cracking. I looked at his face; his eyebrows were furrowed as they tried to comprehend what was happening.

“I’m going to make you feel good..” I muttered against his lips, before pushing gently on his chest. Forcing him to lie on the bed he was sat on- I lifted myself from his slightly and heard a disappointed groan erupt from him. I looked up at his face, before dropping my lips to the skin I was desperate to touch. Kissing over his neck, biting at it and sucking a mark into his skin- proving he was mine. Before trailing lower, grazing over his chest- licking at the lines of his body. Gradually dipping over the definition on his stomach, licking lower until it traced over the waistband of his boxers. I placed my fingers in the front pockets of his jeans and tugged them down; them getting stuck on his hips, and thighs, and finally his knees. I struggled to pull them from his body for laughing so hard- his chuckles joined my own as he raised his hips and manoeuvred his legs around to help me. Once I had the material in my hands, I huffed out a breath before throwing the fabric away as if it offended me. Stiles was leaning up on his elbows and watching as I tossed the jeans away from me- sticking my tongue out as they went sailing across the room. I turned to face him again; and gasped at the sight of him, sat there and waiting for me to join him once more. I moved back over to him, straddling him once more and connecting our lips. He was more confident now, and let his own tongue play with mine quickly, I rest my weight on one hand before allowing my other to feel over his heated skin. Finally coming to a stop at the bulge in his boxers, pressing against it lightly- only to feel his jolt up to meet it more fully. I squeezed him through the thin fabric, trying to get used to the size of him with my hand. A needy whine bubbled from his throat, that made my hand take hold of him through the material and pump him gently. A strangled sound came from him, as wetness leaked onto the fabric and my hand slightly- a wetness pooled in my own underwear at the desperate sounds he was making.

Palming him with one hand, and letting the other pull at the waistband of his boxers- tugging them down and letting him spring free. His cock resting on his stomach heavily- drops of pre-come leaking from the pink tip, the colour almost matching the dusting on his cheeks. I cast my eyes back up his body- seeing his almost black eyes focused solely on me; watching me marvel at him and his nakedness. Not being able to hold back any longer- my tongue licked up the underside of him- tracing along the prominent vein, feeling every ridge before licking over the head. All I could hear was growling and groaning from above me; my eyes rolled up to watch him. His eyes were screwed shut tightly, his bottom lip was being bitten by his teeth and his arm was thrown over his forehead- fist clenched in mid-air, his other was fisting the sheets. I opened my lips, holding him at the base and slipped him inside.

“Oooh..” Stiles whined out. I let him get used to the feeling of being wrapped in my mouth, I gently sucked the head- and was rewarded with more pre-come leaking out onto my waiting tongue. I slowly slipped my lips further over him, taking more of him into my waiting mouth. Bobbing up and down his heavy cock slowly, the parts of him I couldn’t fit into my greedy mouth, I massaged with my hand. My pace quickened just slightly, moving over him at a steady rate. Tasting him more and more as he leaked, I flickered my eyes back up his body as my mouth moved up and down him. His hands were flapping in the air- almost awkwardly, and his eyes were wide staring down at me in wonder, his mouth was dropped open as noises continued to fall from his pouted lips. Growls, groans, moans and whines. All eliciting my own moans as I continued my work, I pulled from him slowly with a pop. Grabbing onto his hand- with the one of mine that wasn’t rubbing over him- and tangling his delicious fingers with my hair, securing it there before moving my lips back over him; his answering whine was needy and made me push myself further down on him before coming back up at a quicker pace. I could feel him thrusting into my mouth, trying to match pace- but he was struggling his lips stuttering when the pleasure got to much- our rhythm didn’t match, but from the desperate calls coming from him I wasn’t sure he minded entirely. His hips jolted more quickly, forcing himself further into my mouth; my throat gagging on him slightly, swallowing the tip of him- I let him thrust into my mouth until finally he filled my mouth with a loud shout. Swallowing his taste down, I moved up his cock gently- knowing he’d be sensitive until he left my lips softly.

I stared down at him; his chest heaving, stomach muscles twitching rapidly as he panted in and out. I watched his face, still scrunched in pleasure and slick with sweat, then I let my eyes drop lower to look at his still erect cock. I felt my eyes widen, a smile tugging at my lips to see him so eager and ready; resting hard and heavy against his lower stomach. I stood from my knees, Stiles opened his eyes and watched; as I reached behind me, flicking the clasp of my bra open, I slid one strap down one shoulder- then the other and let the fabric cage fall from my chest. I watched as Stiles sat up fully; his hungry eyes wandering all over the newly expose flesh, devouring the sight before him. Moving my hands to the fastening on my jeans and popping the button, forcing the zip down its track. And pushing the jeans over my hips and bottom; bending at the hips and tracing them down my legs- all the while not taking my eyes from Stiles’ awe-struck face. I was stood before him in some owl printed underwear; but I wasn’t embarrassed, I had never felt more sexy- than that moment with his desperate eyes tracing over my near bare body. Slipping my thumbs in the elasticated waistband and tugging them from my body- I stood before the Stillinski boy completely naked. His eyes were still wide and dark, and he raised his hands for me. I intertwined our fingers as he pulled me over him- legs either side of his waiting body. Pressing his eager lips against my own and beginning another bout of endless kissing; soft and gentle, yet hard and passionate all at the same time, it was confusing and addictive. I let my fingers find his weighty member again, stroking him up and down- moving him between our bodies. He was poised in front of my folds, I raised myself up; preparing to plunge him deep within me, completely lost in the moment. Stiles ripped his lips from me, panting and staring at me surprised.

“What’re you doing Y/N?” He repeated for the third time, hands squeezing at my hips and halting my movements.

“I’m protecting you..” I mumbled, pressing a kiss to his pouted lips. Pulling away from him slightly, I stood from the bed and stumbled over to his bedside table; my trembling hands searched for the protection we needed- the protection I had almost forgotten in the rush of Stiles Stilinski. I stared down into the open drawer; desperate eyes searching in an almost panic. Before calming with my racing heart and laboured breathing as they spotted; and untouched and unopened package, extra large and waiting. Furiously ripping into the box and digging one out; I tore the foil packaging open before stumbling back to Stiles who was waiting on the bed. I pushed back on his chest again, sliding one of my legs over his hips and kneeling above him. I watched as he breathed out a shaky breath, my fingers finding his already leaking cock once more. Pulling the latex from the foil, I rolled it down him almost impatiently. Once he was covered and we were safe, I positioned him between us once more. Rubbing the head of him between my folds and gathering the wetness that was dripping down my thighs and onto his lap. His eyes were wide, and one of his fingers rubbed through the moisture that had leaked from my centre curiously. I held my position, his cock almost pressing into me- as he raised that hand to his face. He rubbed his thumb and fingertip together, as if testing the consistency of the liquid. I giggled slightly and his eyes widened to the point I was worried they’d pop from his face.

“Is this from you? Are you..w-wet?!” He asked amazed, as he watched me grin and nod my head. Before my brain could keep up with his movements; his fingers were pushing his cock out of the way and delving into my folds themselves. They played with the moisture gathered, smoothing it all around my core. Making me moan loudly and embarrassingly. His face was full of wonder as he continued to feel around within me, his fingers coming into contact with the sensitive bud within. The tip of his finger tickled at it inquisitively, rubbing experimentally in circles. I groaned and ground my hips onto his hand eagerly. The sounds of lightsabers colliding in the back ground was drowned out by the sound of his laughter.

“You’re really wet.. Wow.” He mumbled almost to himself, I laughed to, moaning towards the end of it as his fingers picked up their pace. It took all I had to grip onto his wrist and stop his movements; when all I wanted was to sub myself against him until I could feel myself quiver from the pleasure. I breathed out shakily, before pushing his hand away from my centre- I let my other hand pick up his heavy cock once more- positioning him at my entrance. Before surging down on him slowly. A strangled whine came from the beautiful, blissful boy beneath me. My mouth dropped open in a silent moan; a wide ‘O’ shape as he bottomed out within me. I held still, moments pacing as I could feel him pulse inside me; trying to get used to the feeling. I let him settle, before lifting up from him slightly- pushing myself down onto him slowly. Moving at a pace to allow us both the most pleasure, and to allow him to become accommodated with being within someone. Grinding my hips slowly in circles, his hands grasped at my neck- one cupping my jaw and the other pulling on the back of it. Forcing my lips to his in a desperate kiss, and manipulating my body so I was flush against him. Stomach to stomach. Chest to chest. Lips against lips. Kissing furiously as my hips rode him at a leisurely pace. One of his hands slipped from my neck, sliding down my body and squeezing at my naked ass- palming at the fleshy cheek; before sliding back up my body and giving my breast the same treatment. It was then I was forced to move quicker on him, forcing my hips to canter forwards and backwards; pushing us both closer towards the edge.

As our pace increased, our kiss broke. His mouth was wide open and he was groaning uncontrollably, I knew it wouldn’t take too much longer until he would be spent. I pushed my body up, hands resting against his heaving chest; before I pushed my hips as quickly as I could, whines slipping from my mouth to match his. Stiles, lifted his hips and thrust into me.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

Four times.

Before his hips stuttered and he called out loudly, his cock pulsing within me- and he was filling the condom. I continued to ride him through it, trying to prolong that feeling of ecstasy for him. Once he’d finished, his hands gripped at my hips and ceased their slow grinding. He was breathing quickly, his breath fanning against my sweaty skin- cooling it instantly, before heating it up again as his fingers caressed over it. We laid in silence for a few moments, neither of us moving- apart from Stiles connecting out hands and intertwining our fingers mid-air.

“Oh my God!” He murmured out. I smiled down at him, his face was red and covered in sweat; but I didn’t mind, it made him more beautiful to me, I’d just seen him experience euphoria, and it was all because of me. “Oh Jesus.. Th-that was amazing..” He laughed, a grin beaming from his tired face, I just nodded and squeezed his hands. “Wait.. You didn’t y’know.. finish?” Stiles stated, his face morphing from a gorgeous grin to a frown- that almost hurt my heart. I smiled gently and shook my head at him. Stiles’ face was set in a scowl, and he pushed his lips against my own- kissing me heatedly, making my pulse rise quickly. I was too wrapped up in the feeling of his lips almost bruising my own; to notice that he’d let one of my hands drop. And his fingers were working themselves between us. I didn’t know what was happening until I felt his fingers press and circle at the neglected bud with my still slicked folds, I was still wet- and getting wetter by the second as his fingers played with my core. He was experimenting mostly; seeing what would happen if he moved in a certain, figuring out which movement of his fingers would make me moan the loudest. Soon enough under his attentions, I was grinding myself into his hand- he was rubbing me to my end quickly and efficiently. Soon enough my hips were jerking quickly against his hand; quivering as I came. I whined as I felt the shocks running through my body. I breathed heavily into Stile’s neck, coming down from my high- he ran a hand through my sweaty and knotty hair,. “That’s better..” Stiles whispered, before dropping a kiss to my head.  He held my hands again, supporting my weight on his elbows and helped me to roll from his body in shaky knees. When I was situated, he sat up on the bed, with his legs falling over the side. He pulled the filled condom from himself and disposed of it in the bin by his desk.

He picked up his marvel printed boxers and tugged them on, before grabbing onto his red plaid shirt I’d discarded earlier. When he came back to the bed, he helped me to pull the shirt onto my tired but satisfied body, before tugging me back to him. Wrapping his arms around me and snuggling me close to his body- pulling the covers over both of us as we cuddled in silence.

“Thank you.” He whispered against my lips, we settled again. Smiling against his chest- listening to his heart beat which was beginning to slow to a normal pace now.

“I told you I’d save you.” I whispered as I watched him doze into a peaceful sleep, following not too long after him. Cuddled close to his body, with his mouth pressed against my hair. Stiles was safe, and that was all I could ask for.

[wangxianficrecs]

Follower Recs

There are nearly FORTY THOUSAND AO3 stories in the MDZS universe, and I am just a single person with limited time, so....  Here’s a bit of y’all doing my work for me!

~*~

Mojo, I know it'd probably be recced before, but I have to recommend stiltonbasket's Twelve Moons and a Fortnight. It has made me squee of cuteness, hold my breath with suspense, marvel over the worldbuilding and character interactions, and just awed me at how well every original piece of lore and HC ties back to canon. I cried over it, only to cry laughing the next chapter. it kept me going through an entire year of lockdown and is finally coming to an end, and the resolution was magnificent.

*[I’m subscribed to this and keep waiting for Part One to be completed, but instead later parts keep getting posted:  is it completed but not marked?  I am confused.  And eager to read!]*

Twelve Moons and a Fortnight

by stiltonbasket (G, 267k, wangxian, WIP)

Summary:  "Let me get this straight. You really want me to stand in for you while you help Jin Ling settle in at Koi Tower?"

"Who else do I have?" Jiang Cheng snaps, ears turning scarlet as Jin Ling tries to pretend he isn't listening. "Father trained you to serve as my deputy, didn't he? And don't say you don't remember, or I'll break your legs."

"Well, yes," Wei Wuxian manages. "Uh. I'll just let Lan Zhan know I'll be at Lotus Pier until you're back at home, then."

Or, the one where Wei Wuxian spends the year before his wedding as Yunmeng Jiang's acting sect leader, and the cultivation world's greatest love story finds its happy ending with the help of three juniors, a teenage romance, and one very involved (and exasperated) younger brother.

~*~

May I recommend fielty by milkpunch a sort of AU where lwj in order to save his sect from being destroyed by nine after wen rouhans assasination goes to work as a guard to Jin zixuan where he meets wwx the right hand of Jin guanguao... ~ @pastashouldbeeatenwithafork

Fealty

by milkpunch (E, 84k, wangxian)

Summary:  Before, there had been two reigning kingdoms. Both claimed to be blessed by the sun, but with vastly differing views. One, under the name of Wen, was washed red with blood and violence, its soldiers fierce and stoked with a fiery blaze. The other, under the name of Jin, was bathed in golden light and glory, its soldiers proud and heavy with coin and prestige. The two kingdoms went to war for the true honour of having the sun’s blessing, fighting for many long years with many lives lost.

Jin Guangshan, emperor of the Golden Sun Palace, found that the sun favoured him more.

To prevent his kingdom from being crushed, Lan Zhan, second heir to the Lan kingdom, exchanges his freedom for that of servitude to the Jin kingdom. He is appointed as Jin Zixuan's personal guard, but there's more on his plate than just keeping the Jin heir safe. The Golden Sun Palace is not all that it seems, and the dazzling lives of the royals are less perfect than they appear.

~*~

Hey, I was wondering if I could rec a fic to you. My bestie wrote it for the Lunar New Year Wangxian gift exchange and it definitely did not receive the attention it deserves. It's a really fun mermaid/arranged marriage au! ~ @leahlisabeth

More Than This Provincial Wife

by ApprenticedMagician (T, 6k, wangxian)

Summary:  The negotiations surrounding the Lan & Jiang alliance through marriage encountered a few snags in the beginning.

~*~

I love your blog! I saw a recent post where you listed some rec's from other people? [Thank you!  And yes, I always appreciate and am happy to share your recs!]  I just read the WIP A Corpse Called By Name jaemyun and LOVED it! It's a zombie apocolypse AU, where Wei Ying gets bitten by a zombie.... and I don't want to spoil anything from there, but it is amazing! No pressure to put it in your blog, but wanted to send a note just in case. Thanks for all you do!

A Corpse Called By Name

by jaemyun (not rated, 37k, wangxian, WIP)

Summary:  A continuation of zombie drabble!

She loses her brother in a hoard of the undead.

She finds a corpse wearing his face in a convenience store.

The corpse calls her name.

~*~

Hi! I was wondering if I could rec this short fic that I recently found and really liked! The narrative is an inner monologue and I think it captures lwj really well :)

binding me in spells (till my heart's devoured)

by gaysgaysgays (G, <1k, wangxian)

Summary:  His scars are a reminder of his hurt, a reminder that he had healed.

(or a study of lan zhan's scars)

~*~

I found a fic I had recently asked you about, so I thought I'd share it with you: Seasons of Falling Flowers by merakily (http://archiveofourown.org/works/28522326). I rediscovered it completely by accident after listening to spinifex's excellent podfic adaptation. This is the fic where Lan Qiren despises Wei Wuxian until Wei Wuxian catches a cold and Lan Qiren find out about his golden core. That part is about 3/4 of the way through. The fic is wonderful and shows a rigid but surprisingly introspective Lan Qiren. ~ @clmoryel [Oh!  I just read this one yesterday!  Here’s my bookmark.]

Seasons of Falling Flowers

by merakily (G, 40k, wangxian, lan qiren & wei wuxian, podfic)

Summary:  Like a parasite, Wei Wuxian has this way of growing on people when you least expect it.

Over the seasons, Lan Qiren slowly pieces back together his relationship with Wangji and learns to like Wei Wuxian in the process.

(“Will you rejoin your sect?” As soon as the words leave his mouth, Lan Qiren regrets his wording.

He is not surprised when Wangji’s eyes narrow, flashing with offence. “There is no need to rejoin what one has never left. I did not turn my back on my sect. My sect turned their backs on me.”)

~*~

Hi! Can I rec a fic? "bring you home" by Alasse_Irena on AO3 is a modern AU and is one of the most beautiful and atmospheric fics I have read. Thanks for you work running this blog! I have new Wangxian fics to read <3

bring you home

by Alasse_Irena (T, 28k, wangxian)

Summary:  Wei Ying rents a run-down cottage in a small town by the sea, looking for a quiet place to hide after the war.

Lan Zhan has always dreamed of the ocean. He returns to the town where he was born, and where his parents died, to find out why.

Instead, they find each other.

~*~

Good morning lady mojo, I hope you’re having a good day! I wanted to rec a fic, Breathing Firestorm by ladyshadowdrake. It’s 111k and great but barely has any love, which is unfair. You mentioned it in the last ‘in a mood for’ post but I think it should have more of a shoutout because it’s a lot of fun and I liked it a lot. Have a great day ♥️  [Oh!  I was subscribed to this one and saw it had been recently finished.  It’s def. on my list!]

Breathing Firestorm

by ladyshadowdrake (M, 111k, wangxian)

Summary:  After years of a mad quest, Wen Ruohan is finally given proof of a powerful creature living among mortals. He is delighted to find that it truly believes itself to be only a boy named “Wei Wuxian.”

While Wen Ruohan tries to unlock Wei Wuxian’s secret, the sects unite against him. If he can achieve his goal before they arrive, even the combined might of the cultivation world would not be enough to humble him. Meanwhile, Lan Wangji dreams of Wei Wuxian in the Cold Pond Cave, and works tirelessly to rescue him from Wen Ruohan’s clutches. No one is prepared for what awaits the allied sects in Nightless City at the conclusion of the war, and it very well might mean the end of the world as they know it.

~*~

Hi Mojo, firstly thank you for all the hard work you put into running this blog, I’ve found so many fics that I probably would have never come across if it wasn’t for your fic finders posts and your personal review posts.  [Aw, thank you!]

I don’t know if you’ve read this fic before or if it’s been mentioned before on your blog (I’ve done a quick search of your blog and couldn’t see it, so if I’ve missed it I apologise!) but if you’ve got a fic rec post coming up, I would suggest “The shapes a bright container can contain” by litbynosun.

It’s a case fic about 16k words long and set after canon. Whilst it’s not the main focus of the story it does delve slightly into chronic illness of wwx (the ailments of mxy’s body) and lwj (his continuous treatment of his scars) which might cover a few requests in the IITMF posts in future.

Thanks again for all the hard work you do! ~ @dulachodladh

the shapes a bright container can contain

by litbynosun

M, 17k, wangxian

Summary:  "Lan Zhan, look at this," Wei Wuxian calls. "They don't have organs, but they're all… fuzzy."

He gently strokes the corpse's arm -- it's covered in soft, pigmentless downy hair, like a rabbit. Lan Wangji crouches next to him and nods. "Lanugo," he says. Wei Wuxian raises one eyebrow. "They were malnourished for quite a while before death," Lan Wangji elaborates. Wei Wuxian scans the bodies again. Indeed, they both have sunken cheeks, and their abdomens are empty of both organs and fat padding. “That’s a question,” he says. “Did they starve to death, and have their bodies desecrated after they were already deceased? Or were they murdered, and simply starving at the same time?” "We should stay," Lan Wangji tells him. This is not an answer to his question. It is an offer to search for answers.

Or: Wei Wuxian and his family solve a ghost haunting. Wei Wuxain's old enemy, societal injustice, rears its head again.

[anekogia]

A few dark/sad headcanons I thought of about Twisted Wonderland characters

1. Riddle's parents are divorced

This is probably something a lot of fans thought, but the reasons I thought of were pretty sad.

As many of us know, Riddle's mother has been the one controlling everything in his life. However, where is his father.

Well, my headcanon is compared to his mother, Riddle's father is a lot tamer, and allowed his son to have a bit of freedom in his life. However, Riddle's mother disapproves of such lifestyle. As such, that let to a lot of arguments in the Rosehearts household.

Then, at a young age, Riddle's parents divorced, with his mother getting custody of him due to her being able to give Riddle a 'better' life. His father was allowed to see him, but was refused many times over the course of Riddle's life by his mother because she did not want her ex-husband to influence him into a 'frivolous' lifestyle. It went to the point where Riddle's father was cut of from their lives.

As a result, Riddle never had any paternal love growing up and also resented his father because he thought he never cared for him. However, deep down, he really misses him and hope that they would be able to have fun again.

2. Leona is repeating on purpose

As many of us know, if we exclude Malleus and Lilia, Leona is technically the oldest student in NRC. It has been stated by Ruggie during the Happy Bean Day even that Leona has repeated several times. However, it had also shown that the second prince is actually very intelligent (As seen in many SSR stories and said by his brother), and that his repeating may have been due to the fact he often skips classes.

However, what if he is doing all of this on purpose.

As shown after his overblot, Leona was treated unfairly and looked down upon in his homeland because he is the second-born. Though one may argue that the servants are speaking ill of him because he treats them harshly, that could be due to the fact the servants have been looking down on him even as a innocent child who did not understand anything. That could have lead to Leona growing up to having a cold attitude towards those who verbally abused him, and towards his older brother, Farena.

It was around that time Leona also started showing signs of depression, but he hides it cleverly.

It was not until he joined NRC where he started getting the recognition that he so craved his whole life. People praised and looked up to him, after years of getting looked down for his rank.

Not wanting to lose that, Leona purposefully skipped classes, knowing it will cause him to repeat grades. In turn, it will allow him to stay in NRC longer, allowing him to continue gaining the love and attention he so craved.

3. Ortho is Idia's older brother

As chapter 6 has not been released, I'm just putting this as a headcanon for now.

There has been speculation (and confirmation?) that Ortho his actually Idia's deceased biological brother who he brought back to life. However, what if instead of his younger brother, Ortho is his older brother.

Growing up, the Shroud siblings were very close to one another, despite the older being sickly most of the time. Being the shy one of the two, Idia was only comfortable with Ortho by his side.

However, one day, Ortho grew incredibly ill. Despite their parents best attempts to help him, he soon succumbed to his illness, and passed away while young Idia was looking into his room.

Instead of burying their deceased son, Idia's parents preserved Ortho's body, so they could continue seeing their son.

With Ortho gone, attentions has shifted towards Idia. As the healthy child, he was given immense pressure by his parents and the nobility to become a great and proper noble.

However, as he grew, Idia became even more closed of, turning to gaming and manga as a source of entertainment. It was also then he realized his parents are still grieving their loss.

As he was missing Ortho too, Idia studied hard and turned to technology to find a way to revive his brother. He also decided to build a new body for him, knowing his old one would be too weak to support him.

Then, years later, on his brother's birthday, Idia stole his body and hooked him up to a contraption his build specifically to revive him, much to his parents' dismay.

Though it worked, Idia's parents refused to accept the new Ortho, knowing that their son was nothing more than a machine now.

4. Silver is the heir of a Kingdom Malleus destroyed

There has been a lot of speculation that Silver is the descendant of Aurora (Sleeping Beauty). However, there has been more speculation on why Malleus and Lilia took in orphaned baby Sliver. So, I have a theory.

Sliver is indeed the descendant of Aurora, though it is kept a secret from him. As Malleus is hundreds of years old and is said to have a grandmother who's magic surpasses his, it is safe to assume that his is in fact the grandson of the Witches of Thorns, Maleficent, herself.

So, years before, there was a war between the Valley of Thorns and Silver's kingdom. As humans had nothing against the faires, they were destroyed by Malleus army. However, an incident caused Malleus to lose control of his dragon form, causing him to rampage through the Kingdom, despite him never having the attention to harm it in any way.

It was around that time Silver was also born. After he was born, the royals were forced to evacuate the castle and seek shelter. However, before they could, Malleus came flying into the castle, destroying it.

As he was about to burn the Kingdom into a crisp, Malleus heard baby Sliver crying from the distance, causing him to snap out of his trance.

Unable to process what he has done, he and Lilia first seeked out the source of the crying. Upon coming across the palace rubbles, Malleus quick spotted a young woman holding a bundle tightly in her arms.

Upon walking towards her, the pair recognized the woman as the kingdom's princess and realized she was holding a baby.

Malleus, overcome with grief, tried to safe the child's mother, but after failing, she told him to stop. The princess assured him she does not blamed him and that her kingdom was bound to fall anything due to their pride and selfishness.

Her last wish was for Malleus and Lilia always to take her newborn son and raise him to be a good person. She knew the heir of the Valley of Thorns was the grandson of the witch who cursed her ancestor years ago, leading to a hostile rivalry between the Kingdom and the dark fae. However, she knew that her son would be in the right hands.

Malleus accepts her request, on the condition that he and Lilia would raise her son to one day kill him.

The princess simply smiled at him before saying "You are a good person".

With the war ended, Malleus and Lilia brought the baby back to the Valley of Thorns. They named him Silver on the account of his hair color, and also naming him after the weapon that almost killed his grandmother.

Damn, this was longer that I thought. This was just stuff I thought of after rewatching the Twisted Wonderland playthrough on YouTube. I didn't think it would delve into difficult topics like the ones mentioned about.

Anyway, this is probably the only headcanon list I would make (most because I'm out of ideas), but if there is any specific dark/sad headcanons of specific characters you would like to see, do type suggestions, and I would review them.

Anyway, that's it for now, sorry if I made you cry.

[grim-echoes]

What do you think the queens court symbolizes? And the fake out with the king?

I'm going to use this as an excuse to talk about the Mad Queen in general; shoving it all under a read more because I don't know if you particularly wanted a billion word long essay-analysis, but fuck you, I'm writing one. \m/

Just to make it clear right off the bat for anyone who's yet to realize; the Mad Queen is Helga. I've noticed a lot of people struggle to interpret what's being said both with the boss and with her court, and a lot of people jump to the conclusion that Jimmy is afraid of authority figures or that he watched Alice in Wonderland once and thought it was scary, but there's much more being said here that really hits at the core of Jimmy's current situation and how it's affected his relationship with his family.

There's very clear themes of order, disobedience, and punishment within the queen's court—right off the bat, you're presented by the caterpillar with a question that has no right answer ("What weighs more: a pound of feathers or a pound of dogs?"), and when you inevitably get it wrong he has the following to say:

"I'm afraid you're wrong. This world is decidedly a world of black and white. You're either wrong, or you're right. And in this case, I'm afraid that you are clearly not right. You're wrong, wrong wrong.

You see, a pound has lots of dogs, and they definitely weigh more than a pound each. Even the littlest Pomeranian weighs a few pounds, so, I hope you understand how wrong you are.

I'm afraid that right things get rewarded and wrong things get punished. That's the rule here. Well, one of them. But, probably the most important!

And, I'm afraid that you're wrong, Jimmy, very wrong and unnatural in this place, and you'll have to be punished before you can see the Queen!"

While fear and distrust of authority figures are present (though not overt) themes within the game (Chancellor Pulsating Mass, Principal Pulsating Mass, Mr. Grouse, etc.), that's not what's being illustrated here—as Alice in Wonderland is ultimately a story of a child unable to comprehend how the minds of adults work, so too is the tale of the Mad Queen ultimately representative of Jimmy's inability to comprehend the rules and routines his mother puts him to to treat his illness. He has to be a good boy and take his medicine because it'll make him better, but he doesn't feel better, and he can't say no because that's wrong—he won't get better that way. He can't go outside and play like he used to and he can't exert himself like he used to and he can't do so, so many things that he used to, and he doesn't understand why things changed and why his mom is so strict with him now, and when he doesn't follow her rules he's punished for being a disorderly little boy within an orderly court.

Dialogue from the caterpillar later in the area yields the following excerpt which delves deeper into this:

"The Queen can't rule a disorderly castle, you see. Everything must be orderly and safe, safe and orderly, you see. You'll find it much more satisfactory in time, you'll see."

Jimmy might not like it, but it's for his own good—all of the rules and all of the stipulations and all of the awful, awful medication he needs to take at exact, precise times; it all keeps him safe. When Jimmy "comes to find it much more satisfactory in time", he'll eventually realize that, despite everything, these rules are a necessity and they'll become a regular, transparent part of his life.

After you're dropped into the courtyard you find a rabbit's head on a pike, still able to talk. There's a "gurgle in [my] throat", and "the Queen decreed that bodies move too much, so this is all [I] am now". White rabbits are recurring characters throughout the castle, each subjected to the Queen's grueling punishments for disobeying her and each of them have something interesting to say: a gurgle in my throat. A chattering in my teeth. A thrumming in my ears. It's a smaller detail, one that can so easily be overlooked, but the white rabbits being no more than heads on pikes speaks to the way Jimmy's illness affects him: his head is foggy with splitting pain. He hears things he can't react to. He tries to speak, and his words are replaced with wet, formless gurgling. He's paralyzed from sleep and fatigue, and couldn't move even if he wanted to. He is, by every stretch of the imagination, a head without a body.

Moving on, the caterpillar reappears within a tree stump in the courtyard and questions how long it's been since Jimmy arrived; it's only been a few moments, allegedly. He apologizes for being greedy and impatient, and follows up with:

"Maybe it's all the waiting we must do here. Waiting, waiting, waiting. It's all we do."

An interesting thing to note about this particular area is that a melted clock hangs over the branch of the tree; this is in reference to the famous Salvador Dali painting The Persistence of Memory. One of the clearest-cut interpretations of the painting is the human fascination with time and its inherently arbitrary nature, and within the context of Jimmy time is a constant, ever-present force that hangs over him and his family's heads: there's not enough of it. There's too much of it. They wish time could go backwards. They wish they could fast forward to a happy ending. All they ever do is wait for something good to happen. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Time means nothing. Time means everything. The clock goes back. The clock ticks forward. It's a matter of life or death for Jimmy, and all anyone has is time, time, time. Never enough time, and yet all they do is wait.

How long has it been since Jimmy arrived here?

Onto the real meat of the question: the Mad Queen herself and the significance of the King in this equation. Choice dialogue from the Queen during your meeting with her reads as follows:

"Ah! There's a precious boy, indeed. This smell really takes me back...

Oh, but I can't be getting sentimental now. I've been here too long for that, and I have more important things to focus on. For instance: have you thought about your safety?

Your body is covered with the dust and mud of the countryside. When was the last time you bathed? The last time you slept in your own bed, in your own home, safe from the scary monsters of the world?

Oh, I'm afraid you haven't been safe at all. You'd be much safer here. Yes, that's what's for the best. It's settled. You'll stay here forever with me."

She asks if Jimmy is a good boy, and the only answers are yes; yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Of course, every single one is wrong.

"Oh, Jimmy, why does that word bounce around on your tongue so? Is it not because it's a lie? I can see your lies crawl from your mouth and snake across your body..."

A lot of the character dialogue in the Queen's castle talks about Jimmy being a "good boy", and while most of it is in relation to following and growing accustomed to his new routines, it also ties back in to Jimmy's recurring guilt over having stolen Jonathon in the past. He's a good boy, yes, but he's a bad boy because he lied. He's not a good boy at all.

"But, that's not all I see! I see the boy hiding beneath your skin, Jimmy. He's a good boy! He's just waiting to be released. That's it, then. It's settled. We'll just have to shuck that skin. Right. Off.

Then, we can keep the new, pure you safe and sound! You can spend your days happy and shivering with me!"

Now, with regards to the King, I'm not sure what's being referred to with the "fakeout"—other than the thought that you're being led to believe the Queen is the figure on the throne but it's actually her husband—but I do interpret him to represent the considerable presence Helga has in Jimmy's life compared to Andrew. If Central Hub's memories are anything to go by, it's Helga who takes the role of Jimmy's primary carer down to administering his medication and writing up schedules, while the general impression I've always gotten from Andrew is that he takes a backseat to parenting, for lack of a better description; not because he doesn't want to be involved with Jimmy, but because nurturing and emotional availability is ostensibly Helga's job and Andrew is evidently not as well-versed in either of these as his wife is—hence, why Jimmy may see him as just as under Helga's thumb as he himself is. In other words, he's a background character in Jimmy's everyday life compared to Helga.

When the fight concludes, you're granted access to the bedroom where you can find a painting of the Queen holding her child, an empty cradle, and a statue of a woman playing a violin. The Queen is virtually identical to Helga, yet it can't be her—after all, the Queen no longer has any children. And if you're curious about that, if you're not sure whether it refers to Jimmy or Buck, it's extremely loud and vulgar foreshadowing that Jimmy is terminally, incurably ill and there is nothing anyone can do to save him, no matter how hard Helga tries to keep him safe and close to her.

So, in short, the Alice in Wonderland setting is visual shorthand to communicate Jimmy's struggle to understand why his life become so strict and rigid; why all of his childish freedom was taken from him. He remembers a time, as do the residents of Legato, when his mother would let him do anything he wanted, when he could see and experience everything the world had to offer, when he was allowed to get hurt and wear himself down and spend his time how he wanted, doing the things he enjoyed. But now, things are different. His illness has stolen his childhood from him, and he wishes life wasn't as complicated and scary as it is now.

Other miscellaneous bits include:

The track that plays here (The Mad Queen's Marching Orders) being, as we say, "intentionally bad" to establish the tone of the area versus the rest of Legato and also inject a bit of irony into the fact that for a Queen so obsessed with orderly conduct, her rules are ultimately senseless and confusing to someone like Jimmy.

Her mechanic being to change suits—or "rules"—every so often, with debuffs such as: Unmotivated, Uninspired, Weakpoint, and Withering. At any time, she is also capable of using an attack that will either completely heal one party member, or instantly kill them.

As if the connection to Helga wasn't enough, the Mad Queen is fought in a rematch within Helga's wing of the Heart Prison.

[energon-with-a-curly-straw]

Energon’s Watchlist: Spirit Powers and the like

The definition of spirit powers is admittedly a little loose on this one. These shows have spirits and/or powers that may or may not be connected. Looking for more recommendations? Check out my watchlist tag! The series are not based around romance, are not harem, and have been personally watched and enjoyed by me.

Noblesse (13eps + ova)

The ‘Noblesse’, Raizel, is awakened after 820 years of slumber. His servant, Frankenstein, enrolls him in high school (of which Frankenstein is the director) for a chance to learn about the modern world and stay hidden from the mysterious organization The Union. The series is a mix of everyday life blended into fighting and supernatural abilities.

The series is good at using humour to make the tension not feel overwhelming, and because of that, could heighten tension when needed. Most episodes end with a post-credits gag scene. The show had characters you could like, some you learn to like, and a few you actively want dead. There’s actually an OVA that’s a direct prequel to the series called Noblesse: Awakening, but I didn’t notice this until later, so I just thought it had a really interesting method of storytelling. A good show with plenty of pretty men to look at.

Dr. Ramune -Mysterious Disease Specialist- (Kai Byoui Ramune, 13eps)

When odd ailments— something between a rare disease and a supernatural phenomenon— occur, it’s a job for the childish and foul-mouthed, Dr. Ramune, and his stoic, high school assistant, Kuro. A medical supernatural comedy about illnesses caused by emotional distress.

The dynamic is similar to Mob Psycho 100, if Reigan had some kind of actual ability and it was Ritsu instead of Mob. This makes perfect sense when you watch it. Most of the diseases involve things turning into food, and aren’t particularly gross or icky. Worst one is a guy’s dick turns into a chikuwa. It’s an easy watch that seems light, but occasionally delves into more serious topics. It’s a good pallet cleanser and easily the least intense of the list.

Blue Exorcist (Ao No Exorcist, 25eps + Kyoto Saga 12eps)

Okumura Rin is a normal— if rebellious— teenager. At least until he discoverers he’s the half-demon son of Satan. Suddenly he has new powers, everyone wants him dead, and Satan just killed his adoptive father. Vowing revenge, Rin decides to become an exorcist and heads to school alongside his twin brother Yukio.

Ah yes, that little known anime Blue Exorcist. That first Aniplex jingle was like a gut punch of nostalgia. Similar to Full Metal Alchemist— both in style, and in being humorous while maintaining a serious plotline. Rin really feels like 16 year old, in a way that many teenage protagonists don’t. But with everything Rin goes through sometimes I really had to stop and holy shit this is a kid. No romance— if you ignore whatever tf is going on with Rin and Suguro. I can’t stop thinking about the hairclip. Rin is an extremely expressive character who’s very likeable (and notably can’t lie for shit). Anyway, I want to talk about this anime and that’s why it’s here.

Bungo Stray Dogs (Bungou Stray Dogs, 37eps + Dead Apple + Bungo Stray Dogs WAN! 12eps)

Kicked out of his orphanage and on the verge of starving to death, Atsushi saves a suicidal man from drowning and becomes entangled in the Armed Detective Agency— a group that deals with the cases the police and military won’t touch. A supernatural mystery series with humour and a lot of action. When you’re finished you get to watch WAN!— cute and hilarious episodes of cartoon shorts involving the more mundane life of the Agency and Port Mafia.

This has been on my to-watch list for a long time, but I probably wouldn’t have been in a good enough place to have watched it back then. There’s a running gag about a character wanting and trying to commit suicide— it’s not at all subtle and I ask that everyone with a history of depression assess whether this is the right time to watch this show for themselves. The first arcs of season two and three are both flashbacks, a little darker than the rest. You technically could skip them, but they add a lot of understanding to the characters and the some plot aspects. Watch an episode of WAN! after as a treat.

I genuinely really enjoyed this series! Very few primary and secondary characters actually die, but it will absolutely tear apart anyone else. Fight scenes don’t go on too long, which I’ve had problems with in other things. This series is the basically traumatized characters found family trope, but if your family was also your super dangerous workplace. The main character, Atsushi, is realistic and personable. Not some optimistic, happy-go-lucky, ‘I’ll make it through the power of believing in myself!’ protagonist— he’s a traumatized 18 year old trying his best. I could write paragraphs about Atsushi, but to summarize: he has panic attacks, and he’s not a golden prodigy trope— doesn’t excel at everything and isn’t expected to.

[akria23]

Episode 8

I’ll try to keep this short 😌

Mommy has arrived and she’s brought the chaos - as we all knew she would. Like I said before there’s really only one role she could play, no matter if she did so actively or passively and she’s chosen to do so actively & aggressively.

She does in fact seem to hav me mental illness - which yes disappoints me because they’ve also written her as abusive and dangerous and there’s a lot of representation for mental illness under such light and rarely any for the other side. However I’m not gonna delve on it since it was on my possibility list so it’s not like they didn’t warn us. I said she looked like a creepster showing up to Fiat’s school (when I talked about epi 7 & the preview) but it was actually Leo’s house…which made it more creepy.

She hates Leo which isn’t surprising either but does this mean a separation built on a choice between the two (Fiats mom or Leo) l. I’ve spoken on this before and stated that if they have Fiat temporarily choose his mother simply because she’s his mom I won’t like it and will view it as bad writing not only because they done little to no build up on that but also because Leo & his family has been what Fiat has wanted for a long time. That to make such a choice believable it would have to be a great reason behind it. However this episode has shown that Fiats mother is violent in her illness so I don’t know if ‘choosing’ her is an option that will go over well for anyone. That doesn’t mean she can’t cause chaos and bring a separation tho. She’d be better off telling him that he Bas and unlovable by anyone but her rather than confronting Leo but it looks like she’s gonna try to deal with Leo herself. Personally I’d rather Fiat get his mother some help. Even if he chooses not to have a relationship with her I would prefer to see her end up in a better facility that can help her manage her illness. Fiat can sit down with a therapist himself as well given his self view & past trauma.

They went ahead and set the father up as the misunderstood parent - ive said weeks ago that they’d do this and why I personally didn’t like it but this episode gave me another reason because they did so by giving Fiat another part of himself to dislike. Even though he can blame him mom for manifesting the hate into him he’s still feel the guilt of his own actions. And what frustrates me is this does not absolve the dad from being a bad dad. There is no way Fiat should still be vulnerable to this woman entering his life again in adulthood but he is because his father never dealt with the issue between him & his son. Because he never was open and honest. Because he never took Fiat to deal with his own trauma. Instead he chose to make a decree and avoid it all. His son acts out in an alarming voile that way? That’s fine just let him stay at the neighbors. That stay built a belief that wasn’t true? Ah ok that’s fine. Let Fiat go ahead and keep believing it. So on and so forth. You can’t avoid parenting if you’re gonna be a parent… And how did the little girl hear her grandparents talking about her almost being killed in the belly by her brother…All in all they’ve successfully set the father up as misunderstood father & the stepmom as the patient accepting one. I have a hard time seeing her as the step mom cause her and fiat actually look a bit alike more-so than either of his biological parents.

I think we got atleast 2 of the crying scenes in this episode so that leaves 2-3 more, Leo’s being one of them. The did basically confirm that we should expect to see King again - which I’ve already mentioned in theory. In the preview for the next episode Leo mentions that he thought Fiat wouldn’t keep secrets from him anymore to which Fiat says it’s cause it was already in the past. I wonder if this section will relate to King. Not for any particular reason in the show it’s just like I said before I feel Fiat could’ve lied in his explanation of what happened between him & King - and I would prefer either this or a set up on Fiats part - rather than Fiat making another mistake later that leads him to hate himself even more as I’m not really a fan of Fiat hating himself. But we’ll see. I’m not sure they’ll bring King back in the next episode probably episode 10 since the mom is still there right now. Personally I’m also hoping they don’t go with the angst driven episode 11 and make it a cheerful one just to kill the cliche but that’s just me. I was kinda distracted while watching the episode so hopefully I didn’t miss talking about anything big.

[spectrumed]

4. body

Do I have body issues? Well... yeah. Who doesn’t? I absolutely do not like being fat, that’s something I’d change about me. And I probably should bulk up a little, go to the gym. My diet isn’t terrible, I don’t eat any fast food, but I could still always eat healthier. More greens, less beans. But most of all, my biggest body issue is that I don’t really associate myself with my body. My mind feels disconnected from my body. The day scientists invent a way for us all to live as brains in jars on wheels, I’m there standing in line for a chance to become all cerebral. Being physical, it’s just so messy, so awkward, so uncomfortable. You feel pain, you feel embarrassment, you feel horny. Nothing good comes from having a body. If you were just a brain, you could go on thinking and calculating and just generally having a good mental time. Or you’d start feeling suffocated and trapped trying to move your limbs and realising that they have been all chopped off. Hmm… Maybe it’s more complicated than I initially thought.

I don’t understand people who enjoy physical activities. Let it be clear before we delve into this long rant of mine complaining about all things gymnastic, this is not particularly an autistic trait. In fact, there are plenty of autistic people who may excel as athletes, their drive and obsessive personality traits becoming quite useful in developing that discipline that is required to fully commit to becoming an all-star jock. Not all autistic people are reprehensible nerds. Some autistic people are actually quite sexy. Some even have abs. But that’s not me. That’s not my clan of autistic people. I like drawing maps. I like thinking about things. I like making cocktails. The only part of my physical body that I like to put strain on is my liver. Don’t make me go on a run. There isn’t an armchair in this world that I wouldn’t want to sit down in, even the ones that used to be owned by old chain-smokers that have that awful aroma that sneaks into your nostrils and makes you worry about second-hand lung cancer. Sitting is great. I like sitting. Also lying down. Lying down is good.

Am I lazy? No, I don’t think so. Maybe a little, but here’s the thing. I can’t control the things I obsess over. There’s a great deal of overlap between autism spectrum disorder and attention deficit disorder. If you’re reading this and you’re a fellow friend on the spectrum, you may have gotten diagnosed with both. One of those rare times in my life I have attended group therapy, more than half the group were diagnosed with both. I, however, am not. But seeing as the two conditions are so intertwined, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that a facet of autism involves difficulties in trying to focus on something, or even trying not to focus on something too hard. If you were to judge my tenacity, my ability to keep going, based solely on how I perform during physical tasks, you’d think I was the least resolute person on the planet. But then you’ll find me, some time later, staying up until four in the morning drawing another map. A map that’s really just a different take on another map that I drew earlier, that itself was a reworked version of a previous map that I drew but didn’t like, that actually began as a second iteration of one map I drew that was actually wholly different, that was based on a map of Europe but if Denmark never existed. How many maps have you drawn Fred? Why don’t you go mind your own business, you nosy ferret.

The DSM-5 (the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. You can think of it as something akin to a bible of psychology, which is definitely an inflammatory way to refer to it, but I’m gonna go with it! Because I’m a wildcard, and that’s just how I roll,) includes this section as part of its diagnostic criteria for autism spectrum disorder.

Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus (e.g., strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interests).

Now, I personally don’t relate to that at all. There’s nothing abnormal in my intense love for maps. The fact that maps aren’t as widely cherished as they ought to be is a fault of others, and I refuse to acknowledge that this may be a part of my character that could be perceived as quirky, or out of the ordinary. But, still, for the sake of argument, let’s presume that I can get, at times, excessively circumscribed. I’d like to say that I’ve only ever engaged in excessive circumscribing in my privacy away from onlookers, but I am afraid that I may have allowed some of my excessive circumscribing to happen in public. I definitely do apologise for that. I will try to do better in the future. But you never know when you’re about to experience some excessive circumscribing. The best you can do is keep it limited.

I don’t know how neurotypicals work. So, you don’t feel these kinds of obsessions? These moments of intense focus? These fixations? Then, you lack passion? Are you heartless? Soulless? Or are you just weak? Are you too feeble to hold steadfast working on a project all night long? To lose touch with your sense of hunger, your need for sleep, and all contact with any other human person? My fixations may come across as strange, but to me, your lack of fixations come across as bizarre. The world is endlessly fascinating. Have you never felt that compulsion to just fully immerse yourself in a topic that allows you to forget about your physical body for just that moment in time? The body cannot hold me. I wish to absorb as much information as I can. If I could astral project, by gods, I would astral project. To decouple your consciousness from your mushy brain for just that little bit, to go soaring across the landscapes, to explore the cosmos, just free of all things corporeal, that would be swell. How terrible isn’t it, when you’re deep in research, learning all about the mystical religious practices of the long-dead hierophants of the ancient world, to be drawn back into the present by the sudden need to urinate? There is something so dreadfully mundane about possessing a human body. If only we could all be celestial beings allowed to just be without the biological needs associated with having flesh and blood and bone and bladders.

I am not religious, nor am I spiritual. I do not believe that there is an immaterial world that lies above the material. I do not believe there is an astral plane. I think that one of the terrifying things about living is knowing that we do not possess such a thing as an eternal soul, that all things are temporal, and that ultimately, we have to come to terms with that. It’s not so terrible. In some ways, the temporal nature of life can be its biggest blessing. All things must pass. Sure, that does include the good times, like that vacation you spent as a child wishing that it would never end. But it also includes the bad times. The heartbreak you feel from a failed relationship. The grief you feel after the passing of a parent. The depression some of us are burdened with. Some days are worse than others. But they too will pass. One of the remarkable things about the human body is its ability to bounce back from injury. To change and evolve in ways we sometimes find unthinkable. The brain, likewise, is transformational, capable of incredible developments. We’re not fixed in stone. We’re not eternal. Which is a good thing. It is what allows recuperation and progress. I should be thankful to my body for being there, even when I’m not. After all, isn’t your body your temple?

I am able-bodied. Am I disabled? There’s naturally a lot of questions that surround how we ought to understand mental illness or neurodiversity in regards to disability. Does autism spectrum disorder count as a disability? Well, yes, it can be considered a learning disability. It is certainly something of a handicap, you are experiencing struggles that most people don’t experience. But to your average layperson, your typical dullard who spends their time watching reality TV, drinking beer, and being happy, what counts as a disability to them? Would they see me and think I was disabled? I’m not in a wheelchair. I don’t walk with a cane. Though I will occasionally “stim,” make small repetitive moments with my hands or legs, I do not exhibit any kind of physical symptoms. If I told them that I was disabled, they’d scoff and tell me that I’m just making it up for attention. They’d say I’m probably just trying to mooch off the government, scoring welfare checks while doing nothing to contribute to society. I’ve got all my limbs. I am not sickly. I am actually quite strong, due to being a big and tall man, I am able to carry quite the load. So, I have no reason to not be a fully productive member of society, right? And yet, here I am, feeling at most times utterly perplexed by anything physical. Probably because I am just lazy, right?

I don’t think laziness is a thing. What is laziness supposed to actually be? Tiredness? If a person is perpetually tired, then they’ve likely got a sleep disorder. To call them lazy would be callous. There are plenty of overworked people that get called lazy, especially by tyrannical overseers who think of their charges as mere workhorses whose only purpose in life is to toil away in the factory until the day they die. Intolerable parents who see their terminally sullen child and instead of wondering what is making them so upset decide to deride them for their lack of ambition. Are you lazy when you are procrastinating? No you are just being a tad irresponsible, maybe, deciding to skip out on chores in order to play video games or masturbate. But you’re not just doing nothing. People generally don’t enjoy doing nothing. We need something to occupy ourselves, to fill that vacuum we all feel whenever we’re just sitting still. I am someone who appears to be comfortable just sitting still, but that’s because I’ve learned, since a very young age, to entertain myself with my own thoughts. To fantasise, to daydream, to do anything I can to escape from the void that is doing absolutely nothing. Boredom, that’s terrible. Boredom is existential dread. Of all the motivations that drive humans, love, spite, jealousy, or pride, I think the need to evade boredom is one of the most prevalent. Humans would rather experience electric shocks than sit alone in a room being bored.

I am not lazy, I am merely… excessively circumscribed. For as much as this may be a specific diagnostic criteria for autism spectrum disorder, I think it is also a common trait amongst all humans. There will always be within us a pull to do something other than the thing that we’re really supposed to be doing, that does not make us lazy, that just makes us terrified of boredom. Sure, you know that you’re supposed to mow the lawn, but that's just so dreadfully tedious, you just would rather be working on perfecting your new stand-up comedy routine. Thinking up jokes to tell on stage is so much more stimulating than cutting grass. And who cares if your lawn grows a little wild? Lawns are a scam, imposed by fascists to make us think grass in its natural state is ugly. All grass is beautiful, whether it is cut short or it is allowed to grow long. Do the thing that fulfils you. Allow yourself to become immersed in passion, to forget about those things that hold you back, the little silly things we’ve convinced ourselves is important. Stay up late, if you wish. You’re gonna kill it on open mic night, bud!

Yes, it is a problem when your obsessions grow so singular that you forget to feed yourself. When you forget personal hygiene, when you become trapped in your own apartment looking like some feral rodent caught in a cage. Like always, the key is moderation, and I know that from time to time, you may have to entertain a boring task or two. Clean your room, brush your teeth, trim your pubic hair, try to give an impression that you are taking care of yourself. If for anyone, do it for your mother. She will be happy seeing you looking like a civilised individual, wearing clean clothes and not looking malnourished. But don’t ever chastise yourself for being lazy. Laziness is a sin that we’re all guilty of, and if we’re all guilty of it, is it really a sin? Or is it just part of what it means to be a human? To be a messy creature made out of flesh and blood and bone and the occasional bladder. In the end, I’m more happy than displeased at having a body. It’d be much harder to type on a keyboard if I didn’t have fingers.

Still, I wish I wasn’t fat.

[eloarei]

A little rambling: on grief; and grieving a dog, a cat, an unborn child, and pieces of me that got hurt along the way. 

2300 words under the cut. 

It’s a very gloomy day today. I don’t usually mind; I like rain. But on a bad day, or a bad week, it only seems to insulate me in my own dark thoughts. That’s what today seems to be. I’ll work on fixing it later-- getting some exercise, sunlight if the clouds clear, making some tea. Should’ve done that already, but I forgot. Ate half a banana, at least. 

As I’ve complained about a few times lately, I’ve just not been doing especially well. When and why did it all start? It’s hard to say, but this ‘unwellness’ spell seems most potent starting April 11th (my anniversary, unfortunately, which is why I can remember it), when I came down with a gruesome stomach bug. Really haven’t been feeling right since. I’m really bad about being sick; it scares me and I handle it badly. I assume that’s part of what has messed me up. 

But grief is the other part, I think. Grief, and my being scared and worried that what caused it could strike again at any minute. Look, I’m... 32 now, and I’m sure that most people by this age have experienced profound loss. I’m probably not unusual, and I’m certainly not alone, but I think all the loss I’ve experienced is just piling up on me now, like there wasn’t enough time to process the new fresh ones before newer fresher ones came on, and so now even the old tough scars are aching. 

When I was a teenager, my parents died. They were old, and it was health problems. It was not a surprise, but that didn’t make it easier to deal with in freshman year of high school. (What made it easier to deal with? Rabidly cleaning out the fridge and watching Lord of the Rings tapes the neighbors lent me. That’s all I did for three days after my mom died.) It’s been a long time-- more than half my life ago-- and I do feel like I’m ‘over it’, but sometimes it just wells up, tears from nowhere. Maybe that’s just how grief is. 

A certainly had a good decade of my 20′s. I got married at 19, and had a pretty uneventful set of years. That felt normal to me. I do think, though, that the loss of my parents haunted me in that time, quietly. It influenced everything I did; it probably still does, if only because it changed the person I have become. But other than that, things were good, I think.  My dog Roxy died two years ago, when I was 30, not long after I got back from seeing my siblings for the first time in ages. She was violently ill, and died right in front of us as we were getting ready to take her to the vet. I think I’ve written about it. In fact, the next day I wrote a depressing fanfic piece, certainly as a coping mechanism. (It made people cry, so, mission accomplished, I guess.) I think that helped a lot. A few months later, my in-laws’ dog died too, while mom-in-law was on vacation, and that was rough as well. I wrote another sad fanfic about death. I really like both of these pieces, because they mean something, and they’re very raw. Furthermore, I’ll always have them, as tokens for Roxy, Ginger, and the little pieces of me they crushed when they died. I don’t know if the exchange is worth it, but it’s what I have. 

My grief over Roxy was gentle, as time went on. It didn’t bother me. I think I’d processed it well. I’d written out my feelings. I held her body in numb arms as my husband dug her grave. It was okay. 

In early 2020, basically on my 31st birthday (and right as Covid was happening), I found I was pregnant. Long story short, those were the densest two months of my life, where everything seemed to change so quickly. My thoughts and feelings could fill so very many pages; this is not the place I’ll leave them. The point of this particular story is that it didn’t work out. The baby ‘died’ not terribly unlike Roxy had-- violently ill, in front of me, with far too much blood. I passed out three times-- the real start of this current fearful nature, because I cannot overstate how very much I felt like I was going to die. I went to the ER; it was miserable, an ordeal I could say quite a lot about. I won’t, though. I have before, and I likely will again, elsewhere. 

This... This grief... I think I still don’t know what to do with it. I don’t think I ever will. Months later, I started writing a fic to deal with my feelings, though it took 90k words and many months before I got to the part where I could really delve into my trauma. And it has helped, I’m sure. I’m really sure. And I care about this fic so much, because like the others it is raw and real and it’s something I’d never have if not for my experience. Again, it may not be a fair trade, but it’s what I have. 

I don’t grieve for the baby. It didn’t make it far enough to even have a heartbeat. It doesn’t have a name, a gender. It doesn’t have a grave. We let the hospital take care of it. But I still grieve. I’m sad. Wrecked. I grieve what it could have been. I grieve the hope that was spent and lost on it, a precious resource that will take a long time to grow back, if ever. I grieve over not only my own disappointment, but my husband’s, and my in-laws. They’ve never pressured us to have kids, but they’re in their 60′s now, with no grandchildren. I think they feel... lacking, in a way. I understand. I feel the same (though different). I wanted to give them that. I wanted to have that. 

I still....?

I can’t say. I don’t know what I want. The event complicated my already complex emotions. I’m still waiting for them to simplify. Maybe they will, or maybe they won’t. 

I was alright for a while. Stressed enough because of Covid and family’s declining health. Then in early April 2021, just a year after the miscarriage, I got badly sick. Gross, but not what most people would call a real issue. But only a year after the miscarriage, when my body betrayed me and I was at its horrid mercy, this felt like too much. Again I felt like I was going to die. A week of near delirious fever and nausea; I’d have handled it badly enough in any other circumstance. 

As expected, I got through it. A horrible week, but just a week (or so). And then my dog Tobi died, just days later. 

This is it. This is the one I... I’m speechless about. The one I... maybe haven’t processed enough. I was just back from the edge of being badly, violently ill. I didn’t have the energy to write, physically or emotionally. And that just made it worse. I love writing. It’s my outlet (surprising, I’m sure). I wanted to write. I thought I ought to write. I needed to write. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t muster the words. I still... can’t. 

Tobi was... my baby. Not literally, of course. I didn’t conflate him with my lost child or anything. Tobi was 14. I’d had him since I graduated high school and got an apartment. Adopting him was one of the first things my husband and I did as an established adult couple, before we were even married. He was there, at my wedding. The photographer took a cute picture of me holding him before the ceremony. He was 11 months old at the time. Still had all his brown spots before they turned tan, then later white. He was there; he was always there. He was my entire adult life. And now I’ve lost him, the pup I had longer than my marriage (though soon we will outlast him). He was the big brother to all my other pets. He practically raised all the cats, and they adored him. (Tobi was a chihuahua, so they might have thought he was just another cat.) 

He was a sweet boy, who loved his mom and dad first and foremost. When he was little, he was scared of everyone else. Eventually he warmed up to strangers and friends, and in his old age he mostly liked to nap somewhere on his own. He was silly and playful; he always chased the cats when they wanted to be chased. It was a game they all loved. 

The vet... well, we took him in when he started to cough badly. He’d had a cough for a few months, but it wasn’t constant and didn’t seem to be affecting his quality of life much. But that day it was bad, so we took him. (We can’t afford frequent vet visits, so this was clearly desperate.) The vet took him and put him on oxygen. We had to stay in the car because they weren’t open for human guests. Then she came and told us a scan had revealed cancer, marbled through his lungs. He was suffocating. In fact, he wouldn’t likely even make it home, not even the two mile drive. We had to put him down. My husband and I cried like babies. We’d never put an animal down before. Generally speaking, we don’t really ‘believe in it’, if that makes sense. But faced with this situation, we had no choice. 

I didn’t see him again. I think that’s the worst part, though it would have been equally bad to see him, I think. And it was all so sudden. He was playing and chasing the cats the day before. Begging for treats of human food. Barking at the Roomba. And then I had to pay hundreds of dollars to say goodbye to him. It felt so unfair. I cried all day. My husband and I, we just went home and laid down and wept. 

But I still haven’t written about it, not in the way that I wrote about the others. For all that I wrote here, it doesn’t begin to encompass my deeper feelings on what it means that he is gone, and how I felt to have to make that decision. I have ideas. I think I know what I would write, if I could, but writing... still mostly eludes me. I may try. I probably should. 

I take a deep breath. I know I should sum this up and take care of myself, but there’s yet a little more to say. 

I think Tobi’s death is a large part of what affects me still, but several weeks ago I had what I could only call a panic attack. In the middle of the night I awoke, my heart beating rapidly, a horrible feeling of dread like certainty that all I could possibly do was die. It took over two days for me to feel mostly normal again, and then I still felt vaguely nauseous for two weeks. Then, just a few days ago, it happened again, but this time before bed. I could feel it rising in me, this indescribable sickness. It took several days ago before I felt normal. And this is where I am now. 

Sadly, a little while after the first panic attack, my husband and I failed to save a malnourished feral kitten. It was not a surprise, but yet one more reminder of the fragility of life, and how little I can do to keep death away from those I care about. This poor thing, it was so desperate to live, but nothing we could do could save it. I could have poured all my time into trying, could have scrounged up money to take it to the vet (when I should take my own cats, who all have colds), but I know better. I know... so much of the time, there’s nothing you can do. And now I’m trying to help what might be its siblings, a few cute feral kittens nearby. My favorite seems... a little lethargic, and not very interested in eating the wet food and meat scraps I sometimes bring by. I don’t think there’s anything I can do, if it ends up being sick, if it ends up being malnourished. I can’t bring it inside when it could infect my own cats. I have to care for them first. 

But knowing that it could die... it bothers me. 

And knowing that I could die. I could die. I’m too aware of that, on top of everything else. I hate doctors, so I never go. (Also I’m poor.) This toothache? Could be a terrible abscess. My brother went to the ER for sepsis from an abscess tooth recently! That’s probably what caused the panic, to be honest. But then... why have I felt so week? Is there a problem with my blood? Am I sicker than I know? Do I have breast cancer? My grandma did, and I know I should get it checked out, but it’s just ONE MORE THING. It’s always like that. 

And that’s... how I feel right now. Covered in ‘one more thing’s on rainy days and night-work schedules. Trying to take care of myself but not always knowing what that means. Lacking the inspiration to do the things I know I enjoy, because worry and apathy holds me back from everything. 

I’m okay. Really. No day of mine is ever entirely without merit, and I have plans to do most of the things that should keep me healthy. But the day is short when my needs and long, and the day is long when I’m paralyzed by apathy. 

So. I’ll just take it a moment at a time. And when I can, I’ll try to keep writing. 

[katiehepburns]

so, just binged Legends of Tomorrow, and for some reason, I wanted to write this down.

So, Legends is a really unique show.  It doesn’t take itself too seriously and ridiculous but fun, reminding why I loved The Flash early years (season 1 & season 2).  

apologies, for this rambling mess.  this got written in a burst of energy which faltered towards the end.

What other show would have plots about time travel, Sisqo singing Thong Song during a battle scene, and a child toy’s furry toy Beebo helping the heroes or being seen as a “god.”

The time travel aspects have been a lot of fun.  It’s really hard to pick my favorites (but I am a sucker for 1920 - 1950′s stories), and kudos to the casting directors who have gotten some great actors in guest starring parts (The actors who played JRR Tolkien and Elvis Presley were real highlights for me.  Also I loved the young Marty Stein episodes). Also, Jonah Hex is probably my favorite recurring characters on this show, and I really hope that the writers find a way to bring him back.  

Sara Lance, who I loved from Arrow, is the reason among other Arrowverse recurring players (Stein, Ray, Jax, Mick and Snart) that I started to watch this show.   Sara’s storyline in season 1 and season 2 was really unique and fun to watch her evolve from dealing being brought back by Lazarus Pit, and opening herself open to being a hero and embracing her grief and pain, turning it into becoming a hero and the captain.    My issue is with the later seasons (season 4 & 5) aside from the blindness incident (which became more of a plot device than actual storyline, which could have been really interesting to delve into) is Sara’s main purpose, aside to being a captain and kickass leader, is to be a love interest to Ava.  She has some great moments being a surrogate sister to the other characters, but I wish she had more of an individual storyline (also that job offer thread was also dropped too quickly - I wish we got more of insight into what exactly it was and why it came about).

Ava, her growth over the past three seasons has been interesting and integrating her as part of the Legends has given some fun moments, especially to have her interact with all the other characters and become friends with them, but aside from those smaller side moments, her storyline is so wrapped up and her identity is purely revolves around being Sara’s girlfriend.  I wish that she and Sara had individual storylines than just everything being just about their relationship.  It’s great to see Sara (and Ava) happy and in a healthy relationship  but wish that they weren’t just each other’s plot device.

Mick - it’s interesting that out of all the original cast outside of Sara, that he has lasted the longest.  I always loved the Snart / Mick dynamic (partly because of I love Wentworth and Dominic from their Prison Break days as brothers), so it’s nice to see his character change very slowly, and evolve as the show has gone on.  I just wish he had more scenes with Charlie -  I loved their moments together and they were such kindred spirits.  I am still not a 100% sold on the whole give Mick a teenage daughter, but Lita has been actual a fun side character.  Lita works because she isn’t a bratty/angry/ annoying teenager, but as she spends her more time with Mick, I get that it’s about seeing a new side of him, and they have found a way of having her interact with the rest of the cast.  Lita’s scene with Charlie in the season five finale was really moving and I liked how she was the one who motivated Charlie to help her friends.    

Nate - I have mixed feelings about him.  Yes, he’s fun, pretty, and amusing but sometimes, it just feels like he’s wedged into the show.  I love all his friendships on the show especially with Sara, Ray, Behrad, but all his romantic relationships have fallen flat with me.  I love love Zari and Amaya (they were both wonderful kickass women) as individual characters but I never could get behind their pairing with Nate.  I did enjoy his interactions and meeting Grandpa Steel (I love the actor), and even his flawed and messed up relationship with his Dad.  I am failing to express why Nate just doesn’t work as a love interest for me, but all his pairings, I could never get into, and it’s too bad.  I wish the writers would give him a more interesting storyline that has nothing to do with his profession (his knowledge of history is important but they also have Gideon at their disposal soo..), his family, or a romance. It feels like of late, he’s just shoehorned into the show and it makes him very meh to me.  

Ray - I was likely one of the few who liked his character from Arrow and it was nice to see him really evolve and become his own person (aside from a member of a ill fated love triangle) on LoT.  He was fun and a real great asset to the Legends team, and I really enjoyed how of all of the characters, he interacted with most of all the cast and had relationships with all the different characters that were unique and fun.  One of the great highlights was seeing how he was so welcoming and became a real genuine friend to John Constantine (one of my favorite moments of his was bonding with a dying Constantine).  Also, what other character could bond with the man who was their enemy (Vandal Savage) over Jenga while being stuck in hell?!  I’m just really bitter that the writers choose to write him out because while I loved the second half of season 5, something was missing with Ray gone.  Based on Brandon’s comments about his exit, not to mention the COVID related challenges, I am not sure if Ray will pop up again so soon in season 6, but really want him and Courtney back on the show in an arc or full time.  While the reason behind his exit was disappointing, the storyline did leave the door open for circumstances to change, and Ray and Nora could easily rejoin the Legends.

Nora - she was a real surprise to me.  I didn’t mind Damien Darhk in Arrow but in Legends, he worked really well as a big bad, and plus Neal seemed to have a blast playing him.  Nora was one of those characters who didn’t capture my interest in the beginning, but as time went on, and she became more than Damien’s daughter, she was such a compelling character.  Aside from Charlie, her evolution on the show has been so interesting and it was amazing to see her change and learn to love all of herself, dark and light sides.   At first romance with Ray had me skeptical, mostly because of my feelings of real life couples playing a on screen couple, but it just worked.  Mostly, I love how as Nora slowly changed and evolved, that her relationships with the other characters grew (those Book Club scenes with Sara, Ava, Mona were soo much fun - wish that they had more moments together), there was so much more potential for Nora to bond and really become good friends with Charlie.  Also, the small moments with John and Nora were great, and wish that the writers had given us more scenes with them, because of their unique and dark history.  Also, Courtney as Marie Antoinette was a real blast.  Like Ray, there was so much rich storylines to mine with her especially with Astra in the picture, aside from the fun and amusing places that they could have taken her as the new Fairy Godmother

John Constantine - this will probably be an unpopular opinion, but I absolutely love him, and thought bringing him into the show in season 3 gave it a nice boost of energy.  The beginning of season 3 was a bit rocky for me (it had some great moments, but it was also really hard to get into for some reason).  I know some people say that there is too much of him, but I disagree.  The writers found a way to write him into the show in a natural way without shoehorning him.  Yes, he’s had storylines about him (Astra, Desmond) but also those storylines have also been part of the larger arc of a particular season.  It’s not just about Constantine, but how it has a ripple effect on the overall big bad.  I find him refreshing and fun.  Also, I really enjoy his dynamics with the cast (I love the Sara/John dynamic and god, I adored the Charlie/John friendship SO much).  John and Zari 2.0 attraction and growing relationship in season 5 was a real highlight - they have my OTP kryptonite (polar opposite couple who bicker and banter but also are kindred spirits, who call each other out on their BS but they just get each other even if they won’t admit it).  Can we also have a Mick / John team up in season 6? 

Zari(s) - I really love them both.  While I will miss Zari 1.0, I am interested to see how they will explore this new Zari and how she’ll fit into this team, and if she’ll struggle with having another version of her in the Totem, she has a chance to become more than she is.  Also, how amazing is it to have a smart, brilliant, and kickass character, whose religion (Muslim) that doesn’t make her a stereotype and is embraced as part of who she is, and how it defines her.  It’s not made into a joke.   Also, an aside, I did really love the interactions with OG Zari and Constantine - their side adventures with Charlie in season 4 were so so much fun.  Also, really wish for Zari 1.0, the writers had explored other romantic avenues for her than Nate (I would have loved to have seen a Charlie/Zari romance or more of a flirtation with Jonah Hex). And cat Zari? so cute.   

Charlie - There aren’t enough words to say how much I loved her.  She was another character who just interested me from day one, and I just loved everything about her.  Amaya was fun and kickass, but Charlie, I fell in love with her.  She was snarky, fun, and just fit so well with the team.  Her evolution was really well done. I loved all her friendships with the other Legends especially Mick, John, and Sara.  I was really crushed when the actress wanted to leave the show and work on other projects but glad that the door was left open for her to return for an episode or two.

Since this is soo long, remaining briefer thoughts:

Behrad is a precious bean.  I am so glad he’s going to stay on the show.

Gary, while I like him and he’s worked well with the show’s hijinks, hope that his goofiness doesn’t get too old now he’s a season regular.

I still really miss Jax and Stein.

 Aside from the really disappointing “love story” of Carter and Kendra, Wally was a character was so poorly used on the show and they did such a disservice to him.

Rip, while it took me awhile to warm up to him, still wish they had written off his character better in season 3.  Hope they find a way to have him return for an episode or two.

Human Gideon?  MORE PLEASE

I’d love to see Leo Snart again.  Also, more Jonah Hex!!!

Probably a long shot, but it would be great to see Captain Lance pop up, or it would be fun to have Earth 2 Laurel and Tommy Merlyn team up with the Legends.  Mostly, I’d love see Sara interact with her sister’s doppelganger.

Astra’s storyline in season 6 - really hope that the writers do her justice and watch her change as she spends more time with the Legends.

Nyssa, Sara’s former beloved, come on the show, pretty please?!

Gary Junior II, please don’t destroy the Waverider or try and kill the Legends