#i have a feeling though that as I get older I will be liking hypermobility less

[skrill999]

I got the opposite problem I stretch too much

hey did you know??? that if you stop stretching and maintaining mobility in your body then it goes away?? things get tight and you can't move the way that you used to??? and when you decide to try getting a stretch routine going that the first week fucking sucks because you keep going 'damn i used to be able to do this no problem' and then you have to switch gears and be kind to yourself and just focus on getting better from here instead of berating yourself for dropping the good habits in the first place??? and your body never stops aging so you gotta keep taking care of it and sometimes you gotta take care of it extra in certain areas because of things that happened when you were younger and it's boring and sometimes hurts but it's so necessary???

i am yelling this at myself right now i am going through An Experience (trying to get into a routine of body maintenance again for my physical and mental health)

[naivegh0ul]

ABSOLUTELY SPLENDID (also omg hiii! Pain buddies ♡♡♡)

If its ok could you do Gn!Reader at least? Since im just a gay lil lad. (I'm a guy but I feel a lil rude to ask for masc!Reader 👉👈)

Anyway! Reader with a cane and chronic pain and EDS related issues (like hypermobile joints) and ghost being so kind about it especially since reader is young and "looks healthy"

Always anxious about using their cane because of certain people making comments like that. Like they can walk without it a bit but will be so sad and achy cause their legs and back hurts and so many places just do NOT have enough seating. (Often ends up sitting on the floor even to rest even though its such a hassle to sit down or push themselves up)

Scary dog privilege ghost being such a good emotional support, being so gentle with reader to use their mobility aid while also being so scary to someone if they try to say something or give a look.

Ghost being like a human reminder to take breaks, fix posture (you know with hypermobility and 'knee locking'), take your cane, pain killers for more busy days etc. Cause he just cares so fucking much and wants to make sure reader is in the least amount of pain possible.

Probably would carry reader if they asked

Just!! Need soft ghost comforts cause im such a sad achy boy rn.

(Also a lil unrelated to chronic pain but I need him to lay his full body weight on my small body cause I am the autistic and I crave that pressure and also feel like it would do WONDERS for my back)

how and why are you so relatable!!!! also don't ever feel rude or awkward ab requesting masc reader, pls request whatever you want <333

Ghost understands your chronic pain, after all, he's getting shot at on the daily so he's pretty achey all over. He's always reassuring you whenever you're having one of your bad days, cuddling you close to him when you sniffle and sob into his chest from the pain :(

He's such a sweetheart about it and always carries a spare cane with him wherever he goes. People don't question an older veteran carrying around a cane so you don't have to worry about people giving you weird looks about it.

And if it's one of those days where you're really feeling anxious about using your mobility aids in public, Ghost will just carry you. He doesn't want you sitting on the hard, dirty floor so he'll have you on his back or holding you bridal-style.

He calls you his little backpack when he's carrying you on his back. Sometimes people look at him weird because why is Ghost carrying a full grown man on his back? Ghost just glares at them, gives them a 'don't say anything bad about my partner or I'll kill you' type of look.

He is like a human alarm clock sometimes, pops up behind you and whispers "Have you taken your meds?" in your ear before magically producing them, pulling them out of his pocket. (and an entire water bottle??)

I need him to lay me too, dude. After a long day of you using your cane, he'll feed you and make you take your medication before laying you in bed and putting his entire body weight on top of you.

This man will become a heated, weighted blanket in an instant. He'll have you lay your head on your wedge pillow and will flop on top of you, nuzzling his face into your neck and praising you for how well you did today and how you took all of your meds and used your mobility aid when you needed it instead of trying to push through the pain.

[thesoulesscollection]

Choc Kinsley Hcs #2

Another Hc post about Choc. Though this was meant to be shorter than the last it had spiraled from here and got longer. If anyone wants to know more about Choc, I'm very willing to share what I can. 

Second part to this post;

Born on April 1st, 1956, born and raised up in the Toppat clan with his younger sister, Honey and his family since his grandmother had first joined up

Has a complicated relationship with his family. All had done some lifelong, traumatic harm/abuse in their own special way. Does his best to ensure their safety, and he can't hate them but it's a disinterested sensation.

Struggled with his mental health for most if not all throughout his life since he was born. Has Empathy Deficit Disorder (EDD) but able to control it (mask) for the most part. Besides his family nobody knows and he prefers it that way

^ In turn, he picked up horrible habits that many don't know, partly resorts to indulging in it in order to get a specific job he thinks needs to be handled done 

^ Tends to be a people pleaser as a result, pushes himself to be a hard worker, and learns to mask who he is for the ‘betterment’ of the people near him. 

He's hard of hearing that over time as he gets older become more prominent and so wears hearing aids but often forgets to wear or rather doesn't like the feel of them. 

^ Does get overwhelmed by all the sounds surrounding him to the point he is quick to tune everything out as an escape. Sometimes he does this purposely so he doesn't have to hear anyone around him too and their bickering 

^  He has picked up on the silence, the smallest of details and slightest noise in turn. Though tends to space out so you can't tell if he's truly focusing and listening or not. 

Beside his time as an enforcer for the clan, Choc did work in other similar fields alongside, one as an informant and the other undercover. Now mainly sticks with being in the informational sector or with his family in the kitchen area

Since his childhood, his active years as the Toppats’ enforcement to now in due time somehow managed to worm his goofy self into the heart of even the coldest, closed off people who is endeared to his charm. 

^ In the clan, there's very few or no one who can find it in them to hate the guy, who apparently has a soothingly warm aura that can make anyone around him at ease. 

Appears outwardly to be a 'heart on the sleeve’ sort of guy. He's observant to pick up on other people's face and body language. 

Flexible in the way of being double and loose jointed; able to dislocate most if not all of his body parts with uncanny ease. All from the case of hypermobility 

^ A party trick he used to do and can do now was to twist his head around like an owl and keep it in place. Same with the rest of his limbs too in a way it can't be humanly possible. 

Back to his skills in combat; he enjoys putting comedic value into it, (it works surprisingly well) uses good ol’ fashioned slapstick 

Naturally clumsy and accident prone as a result, is why he's seen covered up in bandages more often than not. Also, has scarring in common areas but uncommon too both he won't disclose on 

Would classify himself as the clan's lead jester/clown, enjoys throwing out a  good joke at his own expense and will do anything to cheer anyone who is feeling down. Rarely do you see him ever be anything other than happy; it's almost uncanny. 

High energy, so he is constantly on the move, high metabolism. He does ‘comfort eat’ and is always snacking, mostly sweets 

[autisticlee]

I wasn't diagnosed with hEDS, despite very much suspecting it before that. my doctor used that testing method (I always forget the name of) that looks at like 5 joints only and judges based on that. some of those happened to be joints I don't have as much issue with (for example, my elbows and knees don't bend past the degree required and my back is way too stiff to touch the ground without a lot of stretching first) but I was told I have general, basically harmless joint hypermobility and there's no treatment to help me or anything. I'm basically fine I guess?

I was told by a few people on twitter that the test is outdated and the issues I mention having sounds a lot like hEDS and I need a second opnion (but can't get one because that's the only doctor in my hospital/insurance system) so all I have to go by is what people online have told me from a guess and what a doctor told me. so I really don't know what the truth it. but I feel obligated to go off of what the doctor said and say "I'm fine" because I was also told by twitter people that this "isnt something to wish for/it's a very serious condition/you can't just self diagnosed this/etc" so I can only assume I just have a few joints that bend more than they should but it's fine.

(this is longer than i expected so i'll cut it)

my joints are always popping and cracking and feeling very loose and floppy. I don't get big dislocations requiring hospital visits that I am told are a required symptoms of hEDS. )I can dislocated my jaw on demand though and have to use my hands to put it back lmao and other joints get stuck and feel like they're trying to dislocate and stuff like that? i've had toes and fingers dislocated and my parents just yank on them until they pop back in. my hips are some of the worst joints i think. of course those aren't tested in the EDS test. i'll be walking and suddenly my hip feels like it pops out of place or gets stuck. if i'm standing and shift my hips, I can feel it pop really dramatically. always a dull pain, sometimes sharp pain that makes it very hard to walk untol it goes away. but I try to ignore it.

I feel like I have high pain tolerance (not sure if due to being autistic and having weird sensory issues, or from basically being trained my while life to ignore my pain because my parents couldn't afford to take me to doctors, being told to suck it up i'm being dramatic, getting ignored or told others "have it worse," etc.) so i've just been accepting the joint pain I get, especially from my very physically demanding job, and don't do much about it. I'm pretty sure most, if not all my sleep problems are due to chronic pain and discomfort. everyone tries to tell me it's all in .y head and I can't sleep because my mind is "too active" and i'm just "thinking too much" so i've been suggested so many things to treat anxiety. thkae don't work and meds made it WAY worse. i'm the definition of "head empty" when i'm trying to sleep. I don't think that's it lmao. if it's anything in my head, it's the vivid dreams I have. but do dreams make you feel like you got physically hit by a truck? maybe mentally, yeah.

my mom, who I work with, has chronic pain and back and other problems. so since she "just deals with it" she applies that to me and says "mine is worse/I deal with it every day and it mever stops/I can't help you/you have nothing to complain about/etc" and not just her, my whole family seems to have chronic pain and stuff. it's like it's genetic, idk. so i'm expected to work through it and ignore it. she doesn't use any mobility aids despite probably needing to, so it was never suggested to me. i've had pain and issues most my life but was always told i'm "too young to have any pain. wait until you're 25/30/35" (the number changes as I get older for some reason...) "you arent allowed to complain/experience pain now, you're too young. exercise more. you sit at your computer too much. etc" so i've just tried to ignore it and deal with it because i'm overreacting and it's not bad, right? others have it worse.

I visited some friends this past week. One friend is disabled and uses a cane/wheelchair to aid her mobility due to severe chronic pain. I brought my hip brace with me, which helps hold my hip in the joint a little and helps stop it popping out as I walk (there's still pain though, but it stops my joint from popping out sideways when i move it, if that makes sense?) my friend noticed me struggling and despite me telling her i'm fine and this or normal, she demanded I don't just "deal with it" like everyone else. she made sure I had my brace on, shared her pain meds, and made me borrow her cane while she used her wheelchair.

we went to an anime convention and met up with one of my friend's friends for a little bit. she also uses a cane when walking around a lot. she noticed my hip issues and my skin having a bad reaction to the double sided tape I was using for cosplays and asked if I had EDS because I showed signs like people she knows who have it. that kind of further makes me wonder if maybe my doctor misdiagnosed because of the bad outdated test? perhaps it's not and i'm overthinking it. i'm just thinking that if that's what it it actually is, it would be nice to know so I know how to help myself? like maybe there's more treatments than just ignoring standard hypermobility? and what if there's other related issues i'd have to watch for amd not know about?

but anyway, borrowing my friends cane, with and even without my hip brace (sometimes with wrist brace too if i remembered because wrist pain particularly due to an old, severe injury as a kid), doing a ton of walking all week, I noticed I never got sharp hip and knee pains that I get normally that almost down me every day at work or when going for a walk. I always try to ignore them and push through and continue what I'm doing. I assume that's fine and even get annoyed at myself for being so overreacting to it????? i'm suppsed to have high pain tolerance, right? i'm making a big deal out of nothing probably!!!!

but using it that whole week and finding that it helped makes me wonder if I should get my own???? not that I really go anywhere and I can't use it at work because I have to use my hands the whole time. (or is that attention seeking behavior? I know using one draws negative attention because people are assholes about that stuff. but it's still attention. am I secretly wanting attention???) I also wonder if i'm experiencing more issues than I think. like have I gotten so used to ignoring things that it's actually worse than I think? am I a walking imposter syndrome? i've heard you can dull your own sense of pain by ignoring it long enough and being autistic with sensory issues can also cause a reduced sense of pain. it seemed like being around other disabled people and people who actually paid attention to me meant people noticed me struggling more than I notice, if that makes sense?? but I don't know i'd I am truly struggling or i'm unconsciously making it up????

when I was on my way home walking through the airport, I thought I was doing fine. yeah, I was going slower than everyone else and leaning on my rolling carryon luggage, but i'm sure I was fine......I must have looked like I was struggling. a man driving one of those little transport vehicles through the hall stopped and asked if I was ok. I said i'm fine and he insisted I get on and he take me down the rest of the very long hall. he got to the end where it splits and I needed the opposite way he was headed so he called for someone with a wheelchair to scoop me up and take me to my gate and wouldn't accept a no.

I thought i'd be fine shuffling the hour long layover I had to the opposite side of the airport to my gate, but turns out I made it a minute after boarding time started even with other people running me through on wheels double the speed or more i was going myself. I may have missed my flight if I kept shuffling on my own.....

even though it was a lot of help, I still felt bad, like I was taking up resources from people who really needed it. I never considered myself physically disabled despite my weird joint issues, weakness, chronic pain, lack of balance and coordination, etc. it was a lot of help, and like I said, I may have missed my plane without it, but I still felt really bad and still do, like a fraud, like I was wasting something others needed more. I just feel like my struggles aren't enough to warrant any thpe of disability aid, if they can even be considered struggles at all. I felt like i'm an able person being fake and taking something that doesn't belong to me, wasting resources that aren't meant for me, despite it not being me who chose it or asked for it. I tried to refuse, but it was given to me by someone who seems to have felt I needed it????? should I have rejected it more and tried to be more insistent on being fine? (though i'm not sure i'd be capable of that since I was overwhelmed and my autistic brain can barely handle airports....so talking at all was kind of out of the question)

i really feel like I don't need or deserve help like that! I need to deal with it on my own and ignore it, right? others have it worse! it's not that bad. I can deal with it on my own. maybe i'm being dramatic about any pain and stuff i'm experiencing and need to suck it up and stop complaining. It's not bad enough to even mention it! maybe i'm unconsciously trying to get attention or something like that. unconsciously looked like I was struggling for some kind of attention or something (despite trying to always shrink and hide myself in public to be left alone, especially when sensory overwhelmed). I hope I didn't impede anyone who needed and deserved help more than me 🥺😔

[rotteneldritchhorror]

These fucking reblogs are gonna be soooo fucking long holy shit

I need to make a few headcanons about the specifics of these fuckers disorders, cause I love that hypersensitive to light thing is so good! I fully understand the genderfluid hc, I was tempted to hc the same but I just don’t think it clicks in my brain as much for whatever reason lol- you are sooooo right though, Bryce doesn’t understand a damn thing about all of Bobby’s weird af identities (probably her words) but she loves him so she goes along with it, even when Bobby occasionally infodumps about it

I love arospec headcanons and I’m not sure why cause it’s not projection, I’m alloallo, but I just find aspec headcanons so fun— to be clear though- I do think Bryce genuinely cared for Bobby when they were kids, because they were kids they bonded quite quickly, it’s just the first (day? Few hours? Idk) was just her pitying him, searching for validation, and actually becoming friends with him- when she does fall for someone she falls fast and hard (Bobby is her FP)

She definitely masked super fucking hard- she got overlooked cause she was “high functioning” (ick we hate functioning labels, but that’s definitely what she would’ve been called) and masked like fucking hell- I mean try and tell me her classic smile isn’t her constant attempt to mask as happy or comforting or whatever, also her transatlantic accent is *fully* because she watched a few older movies and picked up the accent and just never let it go (definitely hyperfixated on economics and marketing), oh and I’ve definitely considered making her transfemme even if it makes ZERO sense in canon, I am always incredibly tempted— oh! And that fucking disability headcanon???? You’re a genius! I never thought of that but you’re so true and real and correct (her hypermobility is definitely comorbid with her autism, and that shit makes her joints hurt- especially her knees and wrists)

I will forever love that we as a fandom have just kinda collectively agreed Blame is bisexual, because it’s true! He’s definitely said ‘no homo’ way too much, and again- love making arospec headcanons- that man probably just assumes everyone goes through spikes of romantic attraction and definitely believes that’s where all good relationships start and end with, he doesn’t know that’s not the common alloallo experience! I can never bring myself to see Bryce and Blame as family (most because of Bryce hoping he has a cute ass on their first fucking meeting lol) but I fully understand that hc, and I do still definitely think they become weird besties- their dynamic is just ‘rich sugar mama who is unexpected sweet once you get under that surface level’ & ‘unemployed hoodlem who unknowingly desperately needs validation and someone to make him feel cared for without trying to change him’

Tbh- not having headcanons for these few is completely fair- I just get attached quickly

But yes, Eddie has always been unwell, but the constant drug use without his knowledge definitely didn’t help in the slightest (even after the events of Blood & Makeup, he still definitely has hallucinations of being a clown, seeing clowns and puppets, falls into the delusion of being on a kids show, his sense of self is fuucckkkeeddd and he doesn’t know who he is really), and yes, thank you, I am a genius, thank you for noticing, I know!

I’ve never considered intersex Sam! I’m so very curious what lines because I can’t remember anything and I looovvveee intersex headcanons (I hyperfixated on specific intersex presentations at some point lol) and tbh I did consider making Bryce intersex too at some point—

I, too, am strangely attracted to Delmar and I hate myself for it (/j), and tbh- I also wanted to hc him as transmasc but I don’t know enough about transmasc bottom surgery to be confident forming headcanons about that so we settle for him taking estrogen and being a girlboything with genderfuckery cause there is nnnNNO WAY he’s cis or binary

I fully understand headcanoning him as aroace, tbh it makes a lot of sense- I might actually make him aspec now- you’ve opened my fucking eyes how did I not consider this before holy shit—

Also yes, we fuck with disabled Arlo, I don’t care if in canon he’s able to move pretty quickly after waking up, he has movement disorders and is phys disabled! I do see the cane-user vision, the only reason I didn’t mention him using an aid is because I still think he’s kinda stuck in that childish mindset of ‘disability aids are uncool and stupid, I should be able to do this without any help’ and has internalised ableism surrounding aids- I hc he basically just uses Manjusha as his aid, he definitely clings to her and leans against her when he feels off-balance

Tbh- I get that misreading I do that sometimes lol, and it’s fair that you’ve never heard of AIWS before, it’s a very niche and uncommon syndrome that makes you view yourself or objects in the world as much larger or much smaller than they actually are and can be caused by drug use, illness, head injury, etc— I learned about it a few years ago and decided I needed to include it in a headcanon and have been looking for a good opportunity to for years lol, and tbh— I’m so right

OH and he definitely has BPD (also CPTSD from childhood before the coma, and PTSD from waking up from the coma, which is why a big trigger word for him is milk)

Neurotypical BRCU characters do not exist because Brandon isn’t neurotypical, it is physically impossible for that man to write a character that isn’t incredibly disordered and I love him for that

this might be a controversial take but fuck it

drawing any brandon character white or super light skinned weirds me out

[manias-wordcount]

Hi! Can I get Edward Elric (Fullmetal Alchemist), Tamaki Suoh (OHSHC), and Illumi Zoldyck with a hypermobile fem s/o with knee problems?

Here’s where the insight comes: now, because of my flexible joints, I can do all sorts of weird things. I can twist my arms like 360 degrees or so (sometimes, I hear the joints popping; it doesn’t hurt most of the time, but I do feel a minor squeeze at worst), I can bend my thumb to my forearm (though it hurts somewhat if I hold it too long, but that goes away quickly; for some reason, my left is more flexible than my right), and I’ve been known to be able to touch my shoulder or even my face with my foot if I stretch it enough. Also, my skin is stretchier than most people’s, and it’s to the point where I can kind of cover my thumb in my hand (and it freaks people out). Also, I can do this thing where I turn my hands inward and my elbows poke out (I legit once had a girl come to me saying, “That’s not normal,” bless her heart. I even do what’s called the W position on a daily basis, which is comfortable to sit in but takes a bit to get up from. Conveniently, it allows me to scratch my own back without a backscratcher or even give myself a massage if I want. On the downside, I have a history of kneecap dislocations (I’ve had a total of 4: 3 times in the left kneecap and once in the right, all on separate occasions and it’s been happening since I was 13). As such, I’m best off with low-impact exercises like swimming or cycling because they’re easier on my joints than, say, soccer. Thankfully, I’ve found things like hot baths and basically being in hot water is very soothing for my joints. Also, I remember I was once recommended mustard paste for my kneecaps but I have yet to test it. I don’t know the exact cause of my hypermobility because I haven’t been diagnosed yet but that’s ok.

Note: I don’t know if you write for Meliodas from Seven Deadly Sins or Snake from Black Butler, but if you do, are you ok with adding them too? If not, would another character of your choice from those fandoms be ok?

Hypermobile S/o with knee problems HCs (Edward Elric, Tamaki Suoh, Illumi Zoldyck, Meliodas, Snake)

𝗔/𝗡: 𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗴𝗼 !!!!

��𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚? ⇒ 𝙈𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩

𝙟𝙤𝙞𝙣 𝙢𝙮 𝙙𝙞𝙨𝙘𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝙨𝙚𝙧𝙫𝙚𝙧?

Edward Elric

Out of everyone?

He’s probably the one who knows the most about hypermobility

Though he was extremely surprised the first time he saw it in action

It’s something he definitely read about when doing all kinds of studies about the human body

And when he was just finding out about hypermobility, he was probably surprised at first about just how much more complex it is

Though now that he’s older, he’s prepared to help with any potential problems that may arise for you

However, he’s still Ed

He’ll be the one to help you to the infirmary when your knee dislocates

But you know he’ll panic and he’ll yell about it first before he gains enough sense to get you the help you need

So at least he isn’t totally useless…he’s just Ed!

Tamaki Suoh

10000% will scream “WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR BODY” the first time he saw your hypermobility

But don’t worry

A quick dumbed-down explanation (by Haruhi or even Karou) will have Tamaki singing a different tune in a second

In fact, he’d probably start asking if you could do a bunch of tricks

And if you could show it to him too LOL

Out of everyone, it’ll probably be Honey to ask if it ever hurts doing all the things your body is able to do

And the second you mention your knee problems? Oh boy

Tama-chan is going to be all over you

Researching about all the things that could ever go wrong, looking up what he can ever do to help, finding out if there's stuff he can buy you to make things better- the works

But hey! At least he’s supportive!

Illumi Zoldyck

He knows

No need to tell you anything

In fact, knowing him and his family?

It’s entirely possible he knew before YOU did

If you ever do anything to showcase your hypermobility, he won’t comment much on it

He’s just content watching you do your own thing

He will tell you to be careful though

But you don’t have to worry much

The household knows your medical history- all of it

Illumi (and literally anyone on the Zoldyck payroll) are here to assist you if ever the need arises

Meliodas

Genuinely does think it’s cool

But he’ll be super nonchalant about it as he usually is with the weirdest things

Though you know he’ll be bragging about how cool he thinks you are when he gets drunk to the other guys

Of course, it’s probably Gowther that points out how your hypermobility has been the source of a few instances of pain for you

And suddenly it starts to make sense why you’re the first to move far away from a fight

Aside from Hawks after someone gives him a swift kick to belly

And your general avoidance for anything high impact

Naturally, he’s going to start consulting the all-knowing Merlin if there’s anything she can do to help you

And even though it’s disappointing to hear that she currently has nothing in her arsenal, you at least have a very powerful demon now looking out for you in case of a problem!

(…As if you didn’t have that all along LOL)

Snake

As a (former) member of Noah’s Ark circus, you’re not the first person he’s met with hypermobility

Compared to others, finding out about this aspect of your life isn’t so surprising given his upbringing

Though he can’t say he expected it

Something like this isn’t so obvious until it is

Of course, that doesn’t mean he knows anything about it

He’s not the most sociable (or knowledgeable) for that matter

It was through getting close to you and hearing you speak about yourself that he was able to learn about hypermobility and how it affects you in particular

Finding out about your knee problems and your other sources of pain definitely made him a little more protective

Not like he was doing anything that would end up bad for you in the first place but still!

Snake is a good boy at heart! He’ll look out for you <3

[thebibliosphere]

if you have the spoons, would you be able to explain what the joint pain from your hypermobility feels like/what it presented like when you were young?

(this is all promoted by seeing a new but unfortunately online physio who has noted that she thinks I'm hypermobile but my muscles have tightened to restrict my movement, but has suggested it as a link between my many diagnoses... and now I'm thinking back on those weird joint pains I started getting as a child that the Drs said were growing pains but I never grew out of them......)

Growing pains are a good way of describing what it felt like when I was younger—it's also what the doctors told my parents when I frequently complained of pain, right until I stopped growing, and they couldn't use that excuse anymore.

It's... hm. The way I remember it growing up was a feeling of general achiness, with bouts of acute pain in specific joints, specifically my legs, feet, and hips. As I grew older, my hands and neck became my worst affected areas, and still are. But before that, I remember a feeling of being almost compressed. Like things were grinding or in the wrong place. There was also a feeling like if I just stretched enough, the pain would go away, and there was some truth to that. Stretching would provide short-term relief from the pain, but long term, it was causing severe damage to my joints because I was overstretching without realizing it.

Which is why I'm so stiff as an adult. My joints are still hypermobile, but my muscles have stiffened up to compensate, forming adhesions and scar tissue that essentially hold things in place but also cause a great deal of pain on their own. It's an almost bone-deep, burning pain, and in many ways, is worse than my actual joint pain in some areas. The urge to stretch to rid myself of this feeling is one I have to undertake very, very gently or risk further injury.

Some doctors argue that "stiffness" is impossible with EDS, but that's because they are only familiar with Classical EDS (cEDS) and not hEDS, where stiffness can be a feature for some people. The EDS society touches on this briefly, though it's worth noting not all of their research papers are up to date, and some are being disputed from within the community and by ongoing research. (link) The claim that stiffness is "rare" in hEDS is one of them, as it doesn't seem to match up with the prevalence of which it is reported from within the community.

Anyway, I hope some of this is useful for you and you can get the help and care you need. Good luck with your new PT and future progress.

[loudestcloud]

Okay yeah, whatever I'll talk about it. This post isn't my usual stuff but fuck it, Its hidradenitis suppurativa awareness week, I have hidradenitis suppurativa and its my blog lol.

Don't look at pictures of it online if you don't like blood, scarring or are squeamish in anyway.

I'm usually quite shy about this because it's objectively gross and I don't tell people to look it up because then they know how gross it is but i care a little less now.

I had had this since when i was about 10 and I'm 20 this year so you'd think I'm used to it or comfortable with it being a part of me but I'm not. My lower scarring is so deep you can feel my bones on both sides.

All my scarring are easily hidden because HS effects skin that rubs on skin most often and those places almost never show however when i was younger the main place affected was my left armpit, NEVER my right so now that i am older and can grow armpit hair, it's only my right armpit due to the scarring on the left. I am right handed so i don't find it easy to shave my right armpit so i stopped trying to. I did it twice in my life and shaving isn't good for HS so i just stopped because who cares and it just looks so funny to me. I have never had both arms and never will and I am lucky i never cared about it tbh.

I am also Asexual so my lower scars will never be seen by anyone but doctors. Because i have had HS since i was so young, I had to get used to the fact doctors would have to see them so often, I had to get used to the fact they would have to ask me, a child, to undress and be so uncomfortable and nervous and i had to get used to the fact that even though i was hurting, bleeding and getting deep scarring on my joints I had to get used to doctors telling me to go home with no care plan because they didn't know what it was and didn't want to look into it better.

When i was around 16-17, I self diagnosed myself, told the doctors that's what it is and all they did was note it in the system and left it at that. I had spent years asking them for help and once i was 13 they told me it was growing pains and never stopped. I was diagnosed with Hypermobility when i was a baby and they still tell me my back and leg pain is growing pains too, it never stops. 2020 made my joints worse cos being inside i couldn't walk around much and due to the combination of hidradenitis suppurativa and hypermobility, I now use a cane for walking outside. 0.2 miles is my limmit without a came now. Last time i went to the doctor, who i hadn't seen since before covid, he told me i was too young for a cane and didn't need it.

Sir, i am disabled, have been since birth and had had a diagnosis almost since birth too. I have never ran a day in my life and stopped trying to since i was 11, my condition got worse cos that motherfuckin doctor refused to tell my school i couldn't do PE and so I kept having to literally doslocate and relocate myself at least 6 times a week and i was always late to class because i was putting on 5 different plasters in the school bathroom cos pushing myself that hard would rip open my cuts and that isn't disabled to you, mr dr sir!?

Sorry for the rant, I'm angry. I'm angry cos my 2 main medical conditions never get any care. We get gaslit into thinking its nothing and once we realize it's not okay, we start to understand no ones gonna help us anyway. So for those who didn't know about it

It's hidradenitis suppurativa awareness week

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW: possible depersonalization? (I'm not entirely sure if that's what this is.) Mentions of self harm thoughts

Seeking mostly advice, reassurance, and kinda just want someone who'd be willing to understand

I don't feel like a human being, like I don't feel like I'm a part of the human species. Of course, I know well that I am a human, but I just constantly feel disconnected to being human or a feel more emotionally connected and comfortable to fantasy/sci-fi, creatures, animals, space, ect. Every now and then, the want to be perceived as inhuman is so strong and so bad that it makes me want to harm and mutilate myself. The best way I can describe it is like dysphoria about my species.

These thoughts aren't always in negative or depressed light, though. Sometimes I feel happy and free in the things that make me a "freak" like my hypermobility, bony frame, and my sharp canines, or my interests that often scare/confuse others. Sometimes I just feel a need or happiness from other, safer body alterations like piercings and tattoos. It makes me happy learning about geology, marine biology, astronomy because of my emotional connection to anything and everything that isn't about human society and what's acceptable.

Even though I can feel happy in my freak-ish or inhuman mindset, I still feel horrible or depressed when I can't connect to other people or when I feel outcasted. I want to be happy in my inhuman nature, but not being accepted hurts. Generally, I just feel like a freak trying to live happily in my ways, but I will always live in a world where I'm an animal or creature that other humans will always see as below them. I often spend time alone, and while I'm often happy being alone, everyone around me comments how it isn't healthy that I don't go out with friends regularly or don't get out on the dating scene or something. Some of the isolating comes from anxiety and it makes me question if I'm not actually an introvert but instead just borderline agoraphobic.

I'm aware that many cases of feeling inhuman come from social issues/trauma and my case is no different. I'm autistic, which wasn't realized until my late teens, as well as some other stuff I grew up being labelled as which resulted in me being bullied and outcasted by my peers. Some of my behaviors or looks are even commented on by my family, like my own mother telling me it's not normal for adults to have as many stuffed animals as I do, or my older cousin making jokes about how I can't gain weight.

I'm not sure how to help myself, which of my habits are okay and which ones should be corrected, if I should attempt to make myself feel more human or let myself go.

I'm sorry if this ask is nonlinear or hard to follow, I don't mean to ramble

Hey there,

I know what you mean about sometimes feeling positive emotions when thinking about this. When you feel so disconnected and alienated from humanity and other people, things like you're describing make sense. Some of the things that make us different are sources of pride. Being autistic, especially, is nothing to be ashamed of, and you might have different ways of showing love, connection, and intimacy than neurotypicals. Some things you like or do may not be "normal," but that doesn't mean they're bad or wrong. Not being normal can be a wonderful thing, and it doesn't make you invalid.

That doesn't take away from the pain of not connecting with others, though. It sounds like you want to have relationships with people, but not have to hide your differences.

Here is some information on agoraphobia.

Introverts tend to still want to socialize with others, they just need to recuperate alone.

To be honest, I have bought a few stuffed animals and I'm an adult. Sure, it's not typical, but it isn't hurting anyone, so who cares? There is no reason to stop.

I suggest looking at your abnormalities and thinking about which may be harmful to you or others. That is the only reason I can surmise for stopping an activity or behavior. For example, if you're underweight, it might be worthwhile to try to eat more and more regularly, even setting reminders on your phone.

Take care.

- Misa

[hiremeyuehua]

Get to know me tag

tagged by @hoseom Can always count on them for some tagging entertainment. (Even if I also forget to do these...)

Thankkyouuuuu. ♡

when is your birthday? - 2nd July baybeeeeeeee which I share with my birthday twin @obligatoryidolblog Hehehe we’re like Seungyoun & Yibo.

what is your favourite colour? - Red.

what’s your lucky number? - 2, 3, 4 & 7... I like to think...

do you have any pets? - Aye, I have 3. A Cat, a Bearded Dragon & a 25 yr old African Grey Parrot.

how tall are you? - 5″5′ aka cute height.

how many pairs of shoes do you own? - I have 5 that I use on the regular, then probably 5 older pairs I keep for different activities. (I use shoes until they have holes in them before throwning them away, or else it’s a waste.)

favourite song? - I have many, I should probably insert a playlist or something... but atm N.Flying- Let Me Show You.

favourite movie? - I’m a cinephile & majored in Film... That question is N/A... but anything by Wes Anderson... also my favourite childhood film is Matilda because I am one with Matilda.

what would be your ideal partner? - ♡ Kang Daniel... ♡ Goofy, foodie, & a highly introverted nerd that likes Spiderman & LEGO... but I can’t just pick someone like him off a supermarket shelf... So I’ll go with soft & trustworthy with a sense of humour. (Preferably a dark haired one, but I’m not picky. As long as we can lounge around reading manga & snacking, we good.)

do you want children? - Nope. However, if I did, I’d like to think I would adopt. Just makes sense. Thought of growing a sprog & popping one out it weird.

have you gotten in trouble with the law? - ...not yet... see A. to Running Q.

what colour socks are you wearing? - Currently none, my feet are warm... Please... No pictures...

bath or shower? - Shower, but occasionally I’ll soak in the bath. (It’s a must as I suffer from Hypermobility.)

favourite type of music? - Hmmm probably Rock/Indie/RnB.

how many pillows do you sleep with? - *sigh* Not enough... but 2 under my head with a memory foam plushie. Then 2 body pillows on either side of me & a shiba plush to hold whilst I sleep. (I can’t sleep without the latter, not for security purposes, hypermobility is just no joke peoples, the act of sleeping is very painful sometimes. & also I have boobs... if you have boobs too, you’ll understand.) 😬😬

which position do you sleep in? - 1 arm under a pillow, the free one holding something, 1 leg straight, 1 bent & sideways. (If I can sleep that is... lmao) 🥴

what don’t you like when you’re sleeping? - Noise. & Light. I’m an extremely light sleeper. I can’t sleep without earplugs & an eye mask or else I will murder someone, so please do not try to talk to me as I fall asleep. Also warmth. If we be hugging whilst sharing a bed, do not be offended if I take breaks. ♡

what do you have for breakfast? - I don’t like breakfast, but it’s important to eat it so I usually have a Nature Valley biscuit & a bottle of water, does me fine til dinnertime. (& by dinnertime, I mean lunch. Not dinner, as I call that tea. Don’t ask questions, I’m from Jon Snow land.)

have you ever tried archery? - Nope, I was banned from ever trying but I’ve always wanted to. It’s badass. (L.S.S: I used to own a paintball gun & was a VERY good aim...)

favourite fruit? - Strawberries & Cherries . My party trick is the thing with the stalk... FYI.

favourite swear word? - B*stard. My family is part Scottish 🇫🇮 so it’s fun to say & hear. Also I grew up watching Sean Bean in ‘Sharpe’ so it feels right as he wasn’t born too far from where I live.

do you have any scars? - Aye. Oh boi do I, but people barely notice them until I bring them up. I have a Harry Potter-esque one from when I split my head open as child that’s mostly covered by freckles... a pretty cool one on my right ear from when I fell into a stack of VHS tapes that I’d made into a castle... several on my knees... a small one above my upper lip & the most recent one is on a boobie from when I had my heart monitor implanted. It sorta looks like a ‘W’ or a little butterfly... Kinda cute I must say.

are you a good liar? - I have been known to spin a tale or two for comedic purposes.

what’s your personality type? - INFJ (It hasn’t changed in years, so I stand by it.)

what’s your favourite type of girl? - Human. & Alive & Nerdy.

left or right handed? - Right, but slightly ambi depending on the task.

favourite food? -  Cake. Or an English roast.

are you clean or messy? - Clean, but if I’m stressed, you bet my room will be a mess.

favourite foreign food? - Korean Seafood Pancake & pork buns, basically any kind of sweet or savoury buns. GIMME.

how long does it take you to get ready? - Depends on the day, but 30mins if I’m showering & dressing & drying my hair. (It’s pretty long, I need a haircut)

most used phrase? - “Gotta risk it. To get the biscuit.” Amongst many others.

are you a good singer? - Who knows. I hate Karaoke.

do you sing to yourself? - If no-one is around, then yes. But when with friends you’ll find me singing my own parodies to popular songs for my own amusement. The most popular is Jealousy (KFC) by Monsta X.

biggest fear? - I shall not reveal this incase my enemies are reading... but I’ll say humans. They’re very scary.

do you like long or short hair? - On myself... long, but I am jealous of people that can rock the short hair.

are you into gossip? - Nah, aint got time for it. Have too many films & dramas to watch in my free time & himbos to simp over.

extrovert or introvert? - Ambi, but highly introverted. Humans irk me & drain my mental battery. I need all the juice to get through a single day.

favourite school subject? - Art & Media.

what makes you nervous? - Everything & Nothing.

who was your first real crush? - Ooof. Hard pass.

how many piercings do you have? - I used to have my ears pierced as a kid, but they’re closed up now, I would like the top of my right ear pierced though. I think that looks really cool.

how fast can you run? - Very fast. Faster than The Flash. Probably even faster than Koro Sensei. Definitely Mach 20+. My brain thinks even faster than that. It’s a gift. Fast & Furious who? Fast & Furious Me is what it is.

what makes you angry? - People without manners. Also people who aren’t open minded & do not think before they speak. Words scar.

do you like your own name? - Aye, I do. It means ‘to bind/snare’ & also ‘noose’. In Scottish Gaelic it’s ‘Beathag’ [Bey-ahk] which means ‘Life’. Which I find pretty cool. I like all my names. Middle & last name include. They have nice meanings.

what are your weaknesses? - My own feelings.

what are your strengths? - My own feelings. I’m also extremely loyal. I’ll do anything for my friends.

what is the colour of your bedspread? - Currently black & white. Chic.

colour of your room? - Cream, but I’m moving soon, so who knows.

-le fin-

tagging: @24hoursofdaisy @ceruleansoleil @summerstormsandbacon @wdzday6 @mypansy @lovelyeo & anyone else that wants to join.

[keepthefrank]

56, 65, 74, 49!!!

heyyy tay thank u!! :)

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

so it’s not like. a good quote to really live by and i don’t consider it that way but there’s a line from a letter emily dickinson wrote that is often on my mind and copied in my journals and that’s “I am out with lanterns, looking for myself”. I want it tattooed on me tbh 😅

56. favorite tradition?

I don’t think I have one 😳 I guess when I was younger it would be stuff like when I’d be in Long Island and Saturdays were always for going to yard sales and now as I’m older it’s stuff like Wednesdays are for sailboat races. there’s a bar I like eating at at least once every time I’m there.

maybe it was always getting whataburger honey butter chicken biscuits after concerts at like 1 am w my old pal but we don’t speak anymore oops

this is actually a really interesting question because I’m really ritualistic in my habits (the way I set up every night to journal or write, for example).

it doesn’t really count, but I have weird superstitions (hello anxiety) so I do stuff like always say goodbye to my dogs before leaving the house and I’m careful about things I do and say so if you squint you can call those traditions 👀

65. any permanent scars?

so like ignoring almost a decade of self harm (sorry 🤐) and deep deep scarring from obsessive compulsive skin picking (which honestly becomes obsessive self harm sometimes), i do have some interesting scars!!

the coolest in my opinion is like 5 inches across my throat where I had half my thyroid removed because of a big huge mass on it in 2019. there’s a big keloid to the side of it from the drain. it’s faded a ton and I miss it being stark and bright because it was so interesting. of course, when I first got the stitches and drain removed I remember telling people I would never be able to be beautiful again lol.

when I was like 9 I busted my head open (there’s a funny story to it but it wasn’t funny at the time) and had to have 5 stitches so even though you can’t see it (it’s at the top of my head) I like sensory stims and used to mess with it a lot, like finding it on my scalp and running my fingertips over the raised bit.

I have a little one on my right thumb from a funny accident when I was a little kid (and a keloid on one of my fingers like on the side from the same accident) and I like it because it helped me learn my left and right when I was little 😅

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

because im super cool and sexy I have a myriad of chronic illnesses, one of which was diagnosed as fibromyalgia for lack of a better descriptor but I think is mostly just my EDS - so that’s all to say that I have a lot of chronic pain 😅 because of this I’m super terrible at medicating myself for pain because I always feel like the pain could get worse so there’s no point in taking something for a small pain. like rn what’s giving me the most grief is my TMJ because my hypermobility means that my jaw just. either can’t or won’t stay in the socket so I can’t open my mouth wide or chew or speak etc without bad pain and rn it’s radiating along my jaw and base of my ear? but I did cave and take something 🙄.

for an example of how bad I am at addressing pain, after I got my wisdom teeth out I ended up w dry socket and waited until my checkup to bring it up - so there were 2 days where the bone in my jaw was exposed - because I figured it was just the regular amount of pain 🥴 that all turned out fine though, thankfully !!

I guess the takeaway here is that I am gross and dumb (what comes to mind is that tiktok audio that’s like ‘I’m not going to come up here and bash her but she needs a lot of psychological evaluation”) BUT !! :) thanks for the ask!!

[iamaslutforjatp]

Hey you! If you get this, answer with 3 random facts about yourself and send it to the last 7 blogs in your notifications, anonymously or not! Let’s get to know the person behind the blog ❤️

:D 

1. I am chronically ill. I have a rare genetic connective tissue disorder called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Hypermobility type. I causes chronic pain, chronic fatigue, and a slew of other symptoms. It effects every single part of my body, even my eyesight. It is progressive. I also have diagnosed anxiety, depression, and ADHD (combined type - just got diagnosed 3 weeks ago!). I also used to be anorexic (which technically is something I’ll deal with for life even though I’ve mostly recovered) I will likely get diagnosed with many more things throughout my life as there are many comorbidities with EDS - I most likely have POTS too. I’m super open about everything, feel free to ask :) 

2. Fall is my favourite season; Halloween is my favourite holiday (though as I get older Christmas is catching up with it)

3. I have a really hard time answering these, I have so many things I think of saying but none of them feel like they are interesting/big enough except for the first one, and the basics are on my profile. I guess because I never think they are ‘big enough’ for one point, I’ll list a few basics: I have had 3 different YouTube channels all of which didn’t last long, because I really wanted to have one but couldn’t stand editing them; I had a blog for a short time that had a similar fate; I have a cat and a snake plus my best friend/roommate’s 2 cats are my step-children; I am polyamorous (currently single); aaaand I want to travel the world as much as possible in my life 

*shrugs* how’s that? 

My ask is always open if anyone wants to chat or ask me random questions, I am ridiculously open and honest and have no filter. 

of course, now that I’ve typed that I have so many things I could say, but I’m too lazy (and should be working) to go back and change anything plus I like to just leave things in ways that reflect my thought process (I know that doesn’t make sense but I don’t wanna attempt to explain what I mean rn)

[slaughtergutz]

I NEED to know more abt the dear Vigo boi and spiky goth Aquarius. May or may mot have a crush on both of them ; w ;

TIME FOR SOME PARAGRAPHS [tw: child abuse, cult mention, death; ask to tag for other things that i might miss]

ALRIGHT SO Virgo boy is Judas Punch. He usually just goes by Jude.

Born in 1970 to a well-off family in Los Angeles, Jude’s older sister, Michelle, was secretly a huge Manson groupie. After a particularly intense LSD trip while listening to The White Album,  the song Hey Jude came up and she took it as a sign. As he began to grow older, she started grooming him for her vision of Helter Skelter, to carry on Manson’s work. 

November 16, 1978 was scheduled for Manson’s parole hearing, and that, she believed, would be the perfect time to send a message. 

Jude, in the meantime, has been a worry for his family. He doesn’t speak. Doesn’t like eye contact. He moves very strangely--born with hypermobility, he bends very easily and comfortably, and this worries his mother. He’s had three exorcisms, none of which seemed to have helped any. That doesn’t even cover what sort of things his sister has been having him do. His twin brother doesn’t seem to have half of the problems he does and is much more well adjusted.

But he’s smart, and learns quickly. What Michelle does, it makes him feel bad, and he doesn’t want to do what she’s making him do. For tomorrow, she explains, when she tells him to, he needs to give this knife to their neighbors, right in their belly as hard as he can. But he knows that won’t feel good, because his back and forehead still hurt where it kissed him. He doesn’t like being bossed around, and he doesn’t like her. 

So the night before the hearing, Jude kills his sister. It seemed to be the right thing to do, why didn’t anybody else understand that? 

Jude spends the next five years in a mental institution, receiving no real help and no support from his family. Eventually he is shipped off to the east coast, to a small town called Pockmark. Unsuspecting though it may look, they boast one of the best institutions in the country, specializing in music therapy. 

There, Jude is finally able to open up and takes up various instruments quickly. They help him organize his thoughts and keep his hands busy.  And eventually, there, he meets an obnoxious punk rocker named Sisco who won’t stop asking him to join his band. Jude’s therapist says it might help his social skills. Whatever. Jude doesn’t really care, but relents as it gives him a chance to challenge himself musically.  He still can’t stand listening to the Beatles.  Other tidbits: He’s in the closet because he’s seen the sort of trauma Sisco has gone through and he doesn’t want to go through that himself. He’s also clairvoyant and sees white crows nearby people who are about to die, and can otherwise speak to the dead. Nobody ever believed him, of course, so he doesn’t talk about it. Corinne’s the only one that really believes him. He can seem airheaded sometimes because he often experiences missing time.  --------------------------------------------- AND AQUARIUS, that would be Xenon. Born 1952 as Adam [Redacted], he had medical complications from early on. Albinism was the most apparent but due to developing alopecia, he was completely hairless by the age of 10, which also affected his immune system. Xen was in and out of hospitals from various illnesses through most of his life, in addition to be very serious and introverted, left him with few friends. He bonded closest with other black sheep, his best friends being beatniks and those in the freak scene. 

He was only in the sixth grade for a week before falling horribly sick once again, and was stuck in the hospital for the rest of the year. Two of his classmates, however, would visit him daily. They were outcasts too. Dmitri, Beatrice, and Adam were inseparable. 

They didn’t bother to wait for graduation to pack up and run away to New York City. It may not have been any more accepting of them than other places, but they had ways of getting work, and it was much more exciting than a small town. And more dangerous. Especially for three young queer kids. 

On June 28th, 1969, a police raid on Stonewall Inn turned into a riot. All three of them spent the night in jail. 

After that, Adam and Dmitri became less hidden about their relationship. Beat got in the most trouble usually for being both an outspoken Black Panther supporter and an outspoken feminist lesbian. But the two men stood behind her every step of the way. 

Dmitri eventually founded a wildly successful underground zine called Fantasy Planet, which showcased queer models (like Adam) and queer art and literature (with many contributions made by Beat.) In their off-time, Adam and Beat were apprenticing as a piercer and tattoo artist respectively. 

With a supportive network and community, Adam was finally able to explore parts of himself he ignored before. His gender. His sexuality. His humanity. Morals, worldviews, politics, ideas, purpose. Around this time, he began to go by Xenon, taken from the noble gas. On occasion he would publish articles and stories under this new name before using it in public. Many of the characters in his stories were alien, and used new and ungendered pronouns. It was safe to do so, in fiction. And it was safe to do so, at home, when it was just the three of them. 

Hard drugs weren’t uncommon in the scenes they frequented. They didn’t have a name for what killed Dmitri. It was pneumonia, they were told. 

Xen completely shut himself away and became solely focused on his own work. The remaining two left NYC and opened up a shop in a small town called Pockmark in PA. Dmitri’s grandmother lived there and she needed to be taken care of. She raised him. It was the least he could do. And, despite how bigoted the townsfolk could be, there was a growing market for body modification.  Their most frequent visitor was a man named Billy, and his entourage. He often visited from Crater City. There were rumors he had mob ties. Nothing Xen wasn’t familiar with. His only concern was the boy who followed him around. A young orphan they called Francis who couldn’t have been older then thirteen.  Not stepping in sooner ended up being one of his greatest regrets.  (But don’t worry, he sort of made up for it by being the only person to visit him in the hospital after the fire. He’s basically his dad now.) Other tidbits: One of Xen’s most hardcore body modifications was the removal of his nipples and genitals. He also has the majority of his body tattooed and, being a huge fan of the movie Alien, has a heavy biomechanical theme. He considers himself to exist outside of gender and being human. After Dmitri’s death, Xen and Beat became legally married--in case either died, the other would be able to get their assets. They love each other deeply but platonically. Beat frequently dates other women (though not as much in the small town), while Xen does not. If he had the words we have today he would call himself asexual and aromantic. (He was in love with Dmitri and found no reason to continue romantic exploits after his death.) While he is a father figure to Sisco especially, he also very much plays a mentor role for Jude as the two are rather similar (introverted, serious, and both contenders for being the King of Deadpan Humor.)

[calliecosplay]

I've been missing my dad so much lately. This will be the first surgery I've had without his love and support. I'm thankful for my family, friends, and all of you. Though the last several months have been the most trying times of my life, you all give me hope. I wish my dad could be here and I still am shocked he is gone. It's been just a little over 4 months now and it seems like yesterday I was just talking to him over the phone. My surgery today is at 1:30/45 MST. They are going to and doing a lot of stuff, so I will be out a while. This is the first surgery I've ever been nervous about. This is also the surgery that had to be rescheduled due to my heart complications and the great chance i would not have woken up due to those heart conditions. The surgeon is trying something new (it's an older procedure that's made a resurgence) that has a 50/50 chance of working, cutting a main nerve so I lose feeling in my lower abdomen. While it comes with many side effects even if it doesn't work, there's a 50% chance my pain can be reduced by 25%. That's basically kicking ass for 1/4 of the diseases I have. They will also be removing growths and the potentially dangerous polyp caused by my endometriosis. I literally thought this was the least of my diseases, having to deal with Interstitial Cystitis, Fibromyalgia, and Ehlers Danlos Syndrome Hypermobility type. Endo was my first diagnosis....way back in Sep 2011 when my life started to fall apart due to my health. But no disease should be overlooked or fluffed off. All of my diseases are autoimmune. Stress can trigger them all. Currently by EDS has most of my joints popping in and out so I wear knee, ankle, wrist, etc... braces. My hips and shoulders and jaw have become bothersome as well. My IC requires monthly procedures which I've yet to have bc I have not found a urologist here in Rapid yet. And the other disease. I didn't even know I had it until after I spoke with my Mayo clinic Dr just a couple months ago. Everything happens for a reason. I tell myself this to help me get through all the hard times that seem so impossible and unfair. It is difficult being so young and disabled. But this life? It's worth it.

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

no dont apologise! i didnt check until just then so np :)

mmm yeah it is a bit trippy. hehe ITS TRUE THO. yeah sadly i think ur right, and tag blocking is probably a good idea. sometimes smut written well or not in excess is okay but goddamn when its abt 01 line and thats the whole fic... *silently blocks tags*

hehe i do that all the time lol this conversation is carrying on threads from a month ago :) mmm yeah ur probably right sadly, same. HA HE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE and now i have someone to talk to abt them, so thats good! I KNOW felix was actually the one who got me into skz with his iconique gods menu line so i guess i have a soft spot for him. i always tell myself my bias is chan but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im more whipped than id like to admit. mmm yeah that does make sense dw i hope they do that as well. YES king seungmin hIMSELF. GODDAMNIT DONT GET ME STARTED ON MINHO IN GODS MENU I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS PART OF THE GROUP UNTIL I STARTED GETTING MORE INTO THEM. BITCH (affectionate) THE LINE DISTRIBUTION HAS BEEN UTTER DOG SHIT but *deep breath* its better now so were moving on adn hoping it stays that way. sis same but i may or may not have gone thru a rlly depressed phase and actively sought out the elimination episodes so i could actually force some tears out of my emotionless shell of a heart but what cna you do? lmaoo i feel that irl, binnie deserves more vocal lines. yesss channies accent is rlly prominent then, i think also the way he structures his phrasing? is more english speaking than korean? but yeah i totally get what ur saying. AJKSAL lmao

okay then! im excited for whenever it gets done! (maybe tag me?) ahh the cold shrivelled heart of a dark au writer beats again at the thought of torturing another poor characters very soul (/j) :(( yeah that would suck not being able to see them. ohhh ur on the other hemisphere to me! were just going into spring rn. mmm smth to look forward to! YES you put it into words. they rlly are pretty independent from the company (remember how jyp rejected that other dudes songs after like 3 seconds and then how he was apparently nervous to show the song hed written to chan cos chan was so good at writing hits ahhh sweet revenge) mmmYES we rlly need a mute and remove notifications button for our brains dont we?

YES CORRECT i totally agree. some people jsut dont give it a try, adn assume its bad cos its korean smh racist assholes. yes! im coming up to my 6 month anniv actually! sis sAME, i feel like theyre being tugged into appealing to the western american market and theyre not staying as true to their artistic flair as a group, especially with only writing english songs atm. *sigh* ah well, at least theyre bringing recognition to the kpop world. AHUH dead on, theyre going to be discarded pretty soon and then where will bp be? theyll prob go solo paths which is rlly sad but what can you do when the company is run by a prideful asshole? yg is not going to last much longer in the big four if they keep this up.

hehe you get it. oooh very cool! whos ur ult? (sorry if youve said this before) mmmm yeah good decision, i feel liek thats probably a wise decision. this is my first album release as a kpop stan (not counting mixtape oh) so i think ill get it for sentiments sake. yeah! im excited for the new music! mingi was the one who got me into them, but atm my bias is seonghwa followed by san, wooyoung and ateez but jonghos high notes man *swoon* he, yeah atm ive got jake, jay, nikki, jungwon and sunoo down so just trying to get the rest :) heh, yeah kard i rlly only got into cos of bm, ive seen him like interacting with a lot of idols and he seemed nice so i decided to check out the group. ikr gunshot man *another swoon*

no noe! i didnt know what it was until i got it lol. thx toffee ill try and take that to mind :) yeah lol im on a waiting list thats not going to be free until late september so hopefully i can hold on until then. hope ur okay, that sounds like it sucks, hope you can find someone. maybe ill just take you along on my phone and the therapist can get a two for one patient deal lmaooo. mmm, sorry no i havent mentioned it before, i dont rlly talk abt it much. uhhh basically hypermobility? if you google it, it doesnt seem bad, jsut joint flexibility but ive got the severe end of the stick, leaning towards ehlers danlos syndrome so thats fun. basically it just makes it hard for me to exercise, run, jump, stand or just walk for long periods of time and gives me a lot of joint and muscle pain so... thats fun! but obviously so many other people have it worse than me, so i try not to complain. normally in young people it will improve as they get older, but my doctor said bc its severe in me, its unlikely to get much better. but again, i dont have the worst lot in the bunch, so its all g.

oh its good that its not the bad type of rain, a light sprinkling can be relaxing sometimes. aww thx darl, the concern is appreciated but it went pretty well and i managed not to cough too much on stage or kill myself trying to run around to the other side of the stage in the pouring rain so thats good! oooh tea buddies! my dogs a labradoodle, but shes a bit more of a feral poodle lol not much labrador in her at all, unless its her relentless urge to hunt down every bird that has ever walked this earth smh :((( hopefully they can come back on soon, does uni have dances?

ahhh a mood if i ever heard one. hopefully things will get better for you soon, ik anxiety sucks ass. ooh thats always good! when its sunny here, its always melt ur thongs to the pavement hot so the nicely cool sunny days are a lovely change. hehe impatience is not so good for you, but good for us that get to see ur beautiful theme early. ahh no worries, itll come eventually hopefully. and if not, then just things that make you not anxious are good. it doesnt have to be black or white, sometimes gray is good. mmmmm sames i have midterms this week to catch up on and then two weeks of end of terms so thats fun! i hope u can overcome that a little, heres some channie to be ur motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8LWyNjzOww. hah! i hear that all the time, he seems to be everywhere. did you see that tiktok of hans slowed back door rap, i stg it sounded EXACTLY like namjoon, it kinda scared me. also teh beginning of another day, sounds so much like joon i swear.

that reminds me! idk ur biases! i feel like this should be smth i should know so please! feel free to elaborate!

ahh im glad, i was worried it is. mmm same, so no hard feelings if either of us misses a day or smth. ill start worrying if weeks/months have gone by, but if its just a little while thats more than fine. ill just picture you studiously completing notes and i wont worry lol

<3 w.a. 🐺

at some point i really think i'm going to start blocking accounts because blocking tags won't be enough. i saw ask tags the other day and it just made me want to bleach my eyeballs.

i could talk about god's menu felix for hours man. the teaser for god's menu that featured his part on the bridge made me look forward to the mv release. you: biases chan, also you: lixiesbabyhands. yes you are more whipped than you think. i can't believe orange haired minho was given NOTHING during that era but they kind of made up for it in the b-sides. i also hope it stays that way. the distribution for this era was pretty fair.

"torturing another poor character's soul" in all honesty, i used to live for this. 2017 me leading up to early 2020 wrote nothing but angst. i have another aussie friend on twt and tbh i'm still really (O.o) about the seasons! jyp should be terrified skz could easily take over that company. heck if skz grow old and start their own company, they'd probably do a great job at running it. PLEASE. i have issues on muting/notifications both mentally and in real life. sometimes, i just wish to disappear.

some people in my country are just disgusting tbh. not only racist but homophobic too. they label kpop as 'gay' and it DISGUSTS me. it's a problematic behavior/mindset people in my country need to fucking get rid of. anyway, HELP ME 6 MONTHS??? and i've been in this shit for like a decade eye. tbh, i’m not fond of kpop groups trying to appeal to the western audience :// it feels like they’re losing their identity in a way. yes recognition but at what cost? yg has my favorite groups but that’s one shitty company when it comes to promoting.

okay my ult! it’s haechan from nct but i consider chan an ult too. like a close second above my whopping list of kpop boys. oh yes! you should get the album just for like a keepsake? remembrance? how did mingi appeal to you? omg did you start getting interested in ateez back when he was still on hiatus? NOT YOU BIASING THE SAME PEOPLE I DID WHEN I FIRST STARTED STANNING. the infamous ateez thot-line. jongho is easily one of the best fourth gen vocalists out here, no one can change my mind :( good luck with memorizing the rest of enhypen! just in time for the comeback too. i hope i’ll get into kard soon but i’m pretty content (and a tad bit overwhelmed) with the amount of groups i stan right now.

please hold on though, feel free to vent here if you like. thanks for the offer tho HAHA but like i’ll try to get checked here too when the cases die down a bit. i’m sorry to hear about your condition though :( please don’t ever overwork yourself to the point that your joints/muscles would ache. it’s completely valid to complain about it tho. i get that you have others in mind but keeping that mindset really doesn’t do you (like you internally) any better? so if you need to, vent your frustrations out and don’t keep it in.

oh my god, about your performance last sunday. was the stage out in the open? glad you didn’t cough too much and did well on your concert. i’m proud of you! i can never understand dogs and poor birds T_T uni doesn’t have dances unfortunately. i think there’s just one party at the end like a graduation ball. what year are you in anyway? if it’s something that you’re fine with sharing. if not, it’s cool.

good luck with your exams! and thanks for the link! AHA what a cutie. i think he does this motivation thing once in a while during his lives and it’s just comforting. yeah joon and han my irl just freaked when we made that discovery. ult crumbs for her. oh god not me forgetting about every biases when you asked. you can ask for my biases in a few groups just list down the one’s you’re interested in knowing. 

i missed yesterday because i was grinding and finishing what if we stay + school work. finally did it today. i’m sure i’ll reply in like a day or two, definitely not a month unless i state otherwise. if i ever decide to abandon this blog, i’ll let you know.

[cesium-sheep]

wheeled to my appt on the other side of the neighborhood, I got there right on time even though I left 15min early so I guess wheeling takes longer than walking -n- I slipped the business card in with the paperwork they had me fill out and when the tech asked about it and heard the explanation they were like “oh yeah, that happens a lot.”

the doctor was nice, they read through the summary that dr good doctor sent them together with me to make sure everything was correct, asked me some open-ended questions (which were difficult -n- ) and some more specific questions, did some checks for hypermobility (a little, but subclinical, pinkies and elbows), sensitivity, etc. they said that they can’t technically give a definitive diagnosis without stopping all my relevant meds and doing a tilt-table test and all that shit, but based on the older numbers I reported they’re comfortable saying I have pots (and I can go through all that if I want to have it confirmed on paper, but I don’t have to). they’re switching me from the atenolol to one of the other ones that had been on the list before, the pyrid one whichever it was. because the atenolol specifically targets the heart, while the pyrid one stimulates the vagus system which would counteract other sympathetic nervous system hyperactivity as well.

they also recommended exercise, but didn’t get snippy when I mentioned it’s possibly contraindicated for cfs/me, just handed me the paper anyway and said I don’t have to follow it exactly.

I still feel like. overexertion rubbery now that I’m home, even though I used battery a lot of the way back. and I’m supposed to check back with this doctor in a couple months to see how the new med is doing.