#i have GOT to stop viewing everything as a responsibility and a burden

[natjennie]

dear lord and savior dbt please help me turn all the shoulds and have tos in my brain into want tos and prefer tos. I am trying lord I promise. please.

[takusan-no-ai]

A Helping Hand

PAIRING: Peruere/Jean x Male Reader (Romantic) (Separate)

SUMMARY: Their crush on (Y/N) only grows stronger after they witness a kind act

Peruere never has a moments rest; not as Arlecchino and not as “Father”. She has to balance a life that leads to no happy endings for herself. All for the sake of her children. And although it is a tough burden to bear, it was a necessary sacrifice for everyone’s sake.

At least, thats what she thought. Until she met you, a young man who just wanted to lend a helping hand to those in need. Life dealt you the wrong cards that led to a more difficult path; not much money, not much strength, but a lot of courage.

Lyney said you wanted to help out at the orphanage for a little, just to see the kids smiling faces. Peruere was cautious at first, and even though she allowed you entry, she kept their more “dangerous” activities in the dark. Freminet was tasked with keeping an eye on you, as a safety precaution.

Slowly, however, you began to weave your way into her heart. She had more time to sit back and think, the children were happy, and…she was happy. For once, in a long time, she actually smiled. Not having to bear the burdens of responsibility alone was relaxing. A feeling she hoped to never forget.

A soft humming voice lead Peruere towards the room of sleeping children. It enchanted her, like a lyre played to lure in unsuspecting travelers. Only she knew whom the voice belonged to; (Y/N).

His voice held a honey sweet melody, and a comforting embrace. Like her voice. Peruere rubbed at her eyes, “It’s too late to be thinking like this,” she whispered. A yawn escaped from her mouth, despite her best efforts to remain silent.

The lullaby came to an abrupt stop. He turned around to look outside the ajar door, only to find nothing. He smiled softly, a slight chuckle escaping himself.

Peruere hid away on the side of the house, having rushed out of view. Her heart was pounding, a small, barely noticeable blush tinted her skin. The humming had resumed, slightly louder this time. “He knows,” she thought. Sighing in defeat, she slumped down to the ground and relaxed on the wall of the house. Her eyes became heavy, and before she knew it, Peruere was fast asleep.

She woke up with a blanket and pillow that day.

Another day of endless work. Piles of notices, requests, complaints, and everything else tiresome swarmed up what used to be a clean office space. She took one day off…one day…and it came to this. Jean could feel another headache incoming.

A knock on the door gave her a rush of relief. A conversation, even if it were more work, was a small break from the inevitable. Her hero, you, walked in. A fellow knight that worked closely alongside Jean for a long while now. You’re also a long time crush of hers.

The smiled that graced your face fell immediately. “He knows.” Jean knew the gig was up immediately, and leaned over her desk, giving up without even trying to deny it; she was exhausted!

Dark circles under her eyes, a grumbling stomach that wants brunch, aching bones, stiff shoulders, and sore wrists. You got to work, grabbing and taking her home, where she can sleep in bed. You even left a plate of pizza from Cat’s Tail for her to eat when she wakes. With Jean taken cared of, it was time to get to work.

After a nice long nap, and a full stomach of pizza, Jean was ready to head back. However, upon opening the door to her office, she saw a clean stack of papers, filled out completely. Her office was shining so brightly it looked brand new. And a sweet aroma from the potted dandelions filled the air.

But none of these were as shocking as what she’d seen in front of her; (Y/N) was passed out in her desk chair. Slumped over and snoring softly. She giggled before sighing, “If I was more diligent…you wouldn’t be putting in so much effort.” She walked towards him, brushing his hair gently.

She looked at him with a smile, blushing as she continued to pat him. She didn’t notice the knocking on the door for but a moment. “Ah! Yes come in.” It was Kaeya giving a brief report on his recent trip to a fatui base. As soon as he was there, he was gone.

And once again, Jean hadn’t noticed a change in her surroundings; she hadn’t noticed that the snoring stopped, or that the chair creaked slightly. That is why it was a shock when she was suddenly engulfed in a warm and tight embrace.

She looked up at him, (Y/N), a blushing and shocked face gazing back at him. He only smiled in return, burying his face in the crook of her neck.

“If you weren’t so selfless, I wouldn’t have to.”

- Fin

[separatist-apologist]

thoughts on tog couples? do you ship rowaelin?

I definitely have thoughts. I don't ship Rowaelin- I KIND of liked it in QoS (I think?), but then immediately back peddled in the next book. My issues are this, you can take them or leave them:

Aelin is 18 years old when Rowan finds her on that roof. She's burdened with saving her home and her friends and feels responsible for the death of a friend, so she's not doing well.

Additionally, Aelin's whole life from 8 years old onward is about survival first- sometimes I feel like people forget that Arobynn KNOWS who she is and weaponizes this knowledge against a little girl before playing with her like a toy.

She also watches what could happen to her through Lysandra, should Arobynn ever change his mind about her. She's either violent tool or she's a submissive toy- but at not point is she EVER a person.

By contrast, when Rowan meets Aelin, he is an old ass man. And I'm sorry, but I'm tired of SJM telling me that these fae warriors have immaculate self-control but then everything we see is the opposite. Rowan is angry he's been assigned to train Aelin- which she NEVER asked him for. That's on Maeve. Every issue Rowan has is with Maeve, but because he lacks the power to punish Maeve, he punishes Aelin instead.

Aelin wishes his people die- this is always the line where people are like, okay well I understand he's mad- but like, again she is a child in Rowan's aging terms, lashing out because he's been a fucking dick 24/7 since picking her up.

Rowan is practically baiting Aelin into suicide and needs someone outside of his group of comrades/training to tell him that he is going out of his way to harm her, and can he PLEASE stop?

I'm not even touching on the whole face punching thing.

My issue with Rowaelin is that Rowan never really views Aelin as a person until she proves herself useful to him in battle, which nearly kills her (because Aelin is self-sacrificial to a point), and he sees what her homeland did to her. Only then can he find empathy for her, only then does he shift the way he treats her. If Rowan had been kinder from the start, Aelin might have had a better command of her magic that prevented the burning up to begin with.

But he lets all his own prejudices and emotions get the better of him for too long, and I never quite got over how they started. I don't think he ever deserved her loyalty, and I get tired of stans saying they were both equally awful because like, Rowan has a duty to Aelin to help her. It's not her fault Lyra was killed, or that he's enslaved to Maeve, or even that he was assigned to train her when all she wanted was to ask for help from a powerful relative.

Also, in later books SJM seems to realize that the age gap might be weird for some readers and instead of just leaning into the trope, she has Rowan thinking about how he "forgets" Aelin is only 19 because she's so much more mature and I wish she hadn't done that. I think most fantasy readers accept this age gap trope, so she forces us, instead, to keep acknowledging it and it makes him read a little creepy.

[yes-i-am-happyaspie]

It’s me, your favorite prompts blog!

I know you’ve written depression before. Can I have a short story where Peter is struggling with high-functioning depression? On the outside everything looks normal. On the inside, he feels like crap.

And Tony notices Peter’s not himself anymore

Mini Fic #4 for this round is here! (and prompts are still open! If you have something you would like to see me write in less than 1k, send me an ask! Anon or otherwise) This hurt/comfort prompt was tricky to squeeze into so few words, but I managed it! Thanks for sending in the idea @itsmechara426!

Not Alone 811 Words

Peter wasn’t sure when it had happened. But at some point he’d realized his days were nothing more than an elaborate performance. The banter, the jokes, even the pop culture references were all meticulously crafted performances meant to shroud the weighty emotions that had settled so deeply within him. He carried them all around in the back of his head. Buried deeply behind the pleasant facade he’d grown so accustomed to. He didn’t want to burden anyone with what was surely a personal matter. Not his friends, not his aunt, and especially not Mr. Stark.

Mr. Stark was a busy man. He had responsibilities pouring in from every aspect of his life. Stark Industries needed his intellect, Pepper needed her partner, and the world needed Iron Man. Peter understood this and always made a point of not demanding too much Mr. Stark’s time. He didn’t ask about lab days or seek advice. There was no reason for him to be selfish. Mr. Stark didn’t owe him anything, least of all his time. So, despite his longing for a few additional hours spent in his mentor’s presence. He kept his mouth clamped up tight.

Peter sighed, taking a seat at the edge of an abandoned building to take in the view. Mr. Stark’s number popped up on his HUD. He considered ignoring it, but he knew it wouldn’t do any good. If Mr. Stark wanted to talk to him, then Mr. Stark would talk to him.

As expected, the call was pushed through after three rings. “Hey, Kiddo. I’ve got some time this afternoon. Want to stop by and fine-tune that new web-fluid you’ve been messing with?”

“Uh, Yeah, Mr. Stark,” Peter said, plastering a fake smile across his face. “That sounds awesome.”

A look crossed Mr. Stark face. But it was so fleeting that Peter didn’t have a chance to decipher it. If he were to guess, he’d say it was concern. But that didn’t make any sense. Despite the misery swirling in his chest, he was acting out an expected enthusiasm with the practiced ease of a habitual liar. He batted the suspicion away, writing it off as a mild case of paranoia.

As he entered the lab, he made sure to add a skip to his step. He offered an exuberant greeting, bolted across the room and began pulling chemical components out of the cabinet without having to be asked.

Mr. Stark joined him at the workbench, reviewed the formula and provided a few suggestions. Peter nodded along and started mixing. It felt like a typical lab day until Mr. Stark casually shifted the subject miles way from chemical bonding.

“You know you can talk to me, right?”

Peter blinked, doing his best to remain upbeat and neutral. “Of course.”

“I mean about more than just science,” Mr. Stark said. He sounded frustrated but his face and tone relayed nothing but gentle concern. “I can tell you’ve not been yourself recently, and I’d really like to know what’s going on.”

“I- It’s nothing, Mr. Stark.” Peter swallowed, struggling to determine an answer that suited his act “Just- Personal stuff.”

To Peter’s relief, Mr. Stark didn’t press. He placed a gentle hand on the back of his neck and gave it a comforting squeeze. “Well, if you ever decide you do want to talk about it, I’m here to listen.”

Hesitantly, Peter considered the offer. He waffled greatly between not wanting to be a nuisance and a surprising desire to open up to Mr. Stark. Although he struggled to see how it would help. Negativity had a tendency to be contagious, and he didn’t want to be the contaminant. He glanced up, his wary eyes meeting Mr. Stark’s worried ones. He suddenly felt compelled to say something. Anything to ease the building tension.

“Honestly, I don’t know what’s going on. Not really. Sometimes I just- I feel like I’m drowning,” he tentatively explained. It already felt like too much. He snapped his mouth shut and mumbled. .”The last thing I want to do is to drag you down with me.”

Mr. Stark’s expression softened. “You wouldn't be dragging me anywhere, Buddy. I’m ready to jump in willingly, life raft in hand.” He smiled sadly. “You don’t have to go through this alone, Buddy. I’m here for you.”

Not feeling obligated to handle everything on his own sounded wonderful. He wanted to follow through, open his mouth and let all the words come tumbling out. But he managed to choke them back. He wasn’t certain he was prepared for that. Instead, he leaned into Mr. Stark, initiating a rare hug. ”Thanks, Mr. Stark,'' he murmured. “But I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it just yet.”

“That's fine, Bud.” Mr. Stark turned his head, kissing the side or Peter’s head in the process. “But when you are. I’m right here.”

[tansyuduri]

Arthur opened his eyes and blinked a few times to clear them. Above him he could just make out the canopy of a tent. 

“Arthur!” It was Merlin's voice.

Everything came back in a rush and he pushed himself from his lying position and upwards. His head turned slightly towards Merlin’s voice and he became aware that his warlock was holding his hand. 

Merlin's face was tear stained which wouldn't do at all. Arthur reached a free hand for him as he sat up. He cupped Merlin's cheek as his thumb softly wiped away any remains of tears.

Merlin’s eyes met his own and suddenly he was apologizing. “I’m so sorry for not being here when it attacked. I’m so sorry”

“You came in time.” Arthur assured him. “You helped stop it. You were on time.” He knew how sensitive this topic could be for Merlin. He stared into Merlin's beautiful eyes. His gorgeous face. And then suddenly Merlin’s lips were against his own. His warlock was kissing him as if he was life itself. As if he needed Arthur’s kisses as much as the very air he breathed. Merlin was practically inhaling him.

 Arthur pulled him closer and Merlin wrapped his arms around his king. Arthur could feel the smooth modern cloth of Merlin’s shirt pressed against his own bare chest. Heat felt like sunlight everywhere their skin touched and Arthur squeezed Merlin even tighter. Pressing his warlock's lanky frame against his own muscular one. They came up for air and then kissed again several times before Merlin finally pulled back. Arthur was tempted to pull him close again if he would allow it but Merlin's words stopped him.

“I’ve been making a horrible mistake… I thought about it in the forest.. I’ve been alone so long I got used to not telling anyone anything and even before that there were always secrets, weren’t there?” Merlin took a deep breath. “Things I should have told you so long ago. Some of it is that I'm worried how you will react, that you might think…” He trailed off. “Some of it I didn’t want to make you worry…” He trailed off again before meeting Arthur’s eyes with a look of determination.

“But that's not love, is it… That's what you’ve been trying to tell me. Love is telling you things even when it's hard… even when it scares me. So I’ll tell you.”

Arthur could feel his mouth open slightly in shock. He closed it.

“I’m terrified you’ll view me as too much of a burden… As a broken thing… And above all I’m terrified of being alone again… When… when you die… You will die eventually, and I’ll be alone. I’m so scared to be alone again. I didn't want to tell you partly because, being able to tell you things… It will all go away when you die… I’ll be alone.”

Merlin was shaking as he spoke, his eyes wide with terror. Face twisted in pain.

Arthur reached forward and crushed Merlin to himself. “We’re both broken. You helped me face things when I came back. How could I not do the same for you Merlin? Even if you were broken I would be here helping you put the pieces back together. You’re the man I love. Over 1500 years is more than long enough to be alone. We’ll simply find a way to make me immortal too. I am not going to let you be alone again.”

Merlin pulled back slightly and his eyes searched Arthur's face.. And then, perhaps because he was so desperate, his mind so tired of panicking over it, he seemed to accept the response. He seemed to simply take Arthur's immortal comment at its word. Merlin pressed himself close to Arthur again. 

The warlock let out a slightly muffled. “Alright.” 

“Gods… I want you.” Arthur murmured into the sorcerer’s ear.

“I just healed you.” Merlin protested weakly, his hand already moving over Arthur's chest and downwards.

“I feel fine, We're going to the woods.”

“You want to have sex in the woods?” Merlin confirmed

Arthur met his eyes full on. “Yes I want to have sex in the woods.” 

[bcbdrums]

unpopular head cannons?

Not sure which fandom you're asking for... I'll hit my main two right now, lol. And I don't know if they're actually unpopular or just...unique to me. So anyway...

Kim Possible

Drakken and Shego do in fact get married and want/have kids and get very domestic, post-canon. But. They remain in evil. They're just more lowkey about it.

Ron and Kim go to different colleges and break up for awhile. Ron starts seeing Yori seriously. Ultimately he realizes that yes, Kim IS the one for him, but he had to spend some time finding who he is without her to be his best self for her.

Ron also easily masters the monkey powers and they're not some big angsty problem for him. It's KP, come on. This is a lighthearted comedy cartoon.

Soul Eater

Stein is NOT some cannibalistic kinky blood-play neuro-divergent. He has some serious issues that never got addressed properly during his childhood, and so he struggles his entire life having to deal with these issues without any proper guidance. (Because burdening another child, Spirit, with that responsibility was a bad idea and sure as heck didn't work.) So he has his serious ups and downs since he has to figure everything out for himself, ultimately. But the common fandom treatments I often see of him just don't jive with what I see onscreen/on the page.

Stein didn't experiment on Spirit in the way it's implied. I think Kami convinced Spirit that worse things were going on than actually were out of jealousy, and I also think Spirit knew about the minor things that did go on. I think Spirit's comments to Blair about the experiments were drunken gross exaggerations, and he canonically does that (manga) soooooooo yeah. Lord Death simply wouldn't have kept Stein around if he was truly a threat, so the experiments couldn't have been that much. And I have plenty of ideas about just what went on...

Spirit did NOT sleep around!!! Now, hear me out. And I'll keep it brief cuz I could go ON about this! The man is a celebrity, and he is THE death scythe. He's gonna have adoring fans all over him no matter where he goes. Also, dancing with people??? Is a normal social interaction??? Since when does someone only dance with their spouse at a public gathering. The ONLY evidence we have of him "cheating" is the point of view of a five year old watching her celebrity dad interacting with people, when her mother isn't there. (Seriously...if Maka's fave memory of her mother is the divorce...where WAS the woman for her entire childhood???) And okay so moving past Maka's perspective and the fact that THE death scythe is gonna be surrounded by fans at all times (and you SoMa people y'all have the same headcanons about Soul so I know this isn't outside the realms of possibility) when we see Spirit in potentially compromising situations? What happens? His wife merely gets mentioned and he turns into a blubbering emotional disaster. You're telling me this man could have actually followed through on sleeping with another woman? In any case... His wife was simply not around, they had a loveless marriage that only occurred cuz of an illegitimate baby, and if he did seek attention elsewhere it's hard to blame him. But no, mister cries-at-the-mention-of-his-ex absolutely did not have it in him to sleep around. He's just a celeb trapped in a loveless marriage, and he's an attention whore. And yes this was me being brief.

Gonna stop there, ask again if you want more cuz boy do I have more! Thank you so much for the ask!!!

[aerkame]

Ok I don’t usually do this but I wanted you to be the judge of this chapter and wanted to know what you think about it. I never written a story and I really wanted this to be out there. What I wanted from supervillain y/n x Wally (ps. This was only what I wanted to tell you. Not criticizing your story because yours is really good. I’m telling you to get this thought off my chest of what I thought when I came up with this prompt.):

It took longer than you thought. The place seemed so much nicer before you took off and yet it ended up a burden to stay there longer. You wouldn’t even call it a home so you moved….You were able to find a place far from here, far from this mess. In a neighbourhood secluded by woods, a place called home. A sweet and short name, simple yet unique. You have no idea what this place would be like. You only heard of this place from a past friend from your town that use to live here. You didn’t ask for what this place was like. You just took it. Anyway to get out.

When you stepped on the padded pathway filled with rainbow colored rocks did you finally get a look at the place. It was small for sure, but you expected that, you wanted that. Somewhere small and separated, just for you. Even from the multicoloured entrance, you could get a good look at the oddly shaped houses, a shop and even a bit of a head piece of a theatre in the back. Never really a strong attribute but it’s fine. You’ll think about that later. You began to step around the edges of the neighbourhood where the trees reached out and yet you found no body walking around.

“Huh. A quiet neighbourhood?” You sighed out with a slight breath as you dragged your suitcases through the grass. Although you would like the idea of help, you wouldn’t want to jinx yourself. The quietness is just what you need to start.

When you saw the only normal looking house reaching the edge of the woods, you can only assume that would be yours. Aside from the one in the middle, it didn’t make you have to do a double take every time it fell into your view. You could swear something moved there but….it’s no matter. Not today. All you have to do was get inside, move in and start at fresh. A clean slate. Away from anyone who knew me. A new ho-

“SURPRISE!!!”

The lights flashed on and a bunch of random strangers came from the darkness with smiling faces, shouting and they looked at you looking for a response. To say you were surprised was an understatement, not even mad could explain it. You just stood there, speechless with widened eyes.

“It’s so nice to meet you!” The pink stranger said as she smiled with wide arms, ready for a hug.

“Um……hi?” You said as you backed up a little. She was too much. She was covered with colors from head to toe. From her fluffy golden hair to her white shoes. Just by the way she looks, you can tell so much about. Too much…

“How was your trip?”

“I-“

“Where are you from?”

“Well….”

“What’s your favourite Color? I love pink but there’s so much to choose from.”

“Maybe-“

“Speaking of colors, I tried to bake you a cake and I couldn’t choose which frosting you would like or which color. So I chose all of them…..” This isn’t good. She’s not even giving me a chance to speak. At this rate, I won’t be able to get out of this. All that work coming here to get a new start will all be in vain. I need something. Something to make her stop. Maybe if-

“Julie, give them some space to speak. They haven’t even taken a breath.” A grey headed puppet said as they placed their hand in the pink stranger.

“Sorry, Sorry! It’s just… Its been a long while since we had someone new here. I got a little bit too excited! Let’s me start all over. WELCOME TO HOME. What’s your name?” The pink muppet exclaimed! Julie……

“….No problem! I’m Y/N! Nice to officially meet you!” You said cheerfully with a sweet toothy grin on your face. So close. You are so lucky, Julie. I came this close to ruining everything I came here for. You’re fine…..for now but if you’re anything to go by, these neighbours might be the same. Quiet neighbours don’t plan surprise parties for strangers. This isn’t the place you expect but this can still be salvaged. Just put up a charming smile and a sweet look and they’ll fall, one by one. You didn’t crack yet but it was too close for comfort. One interaction in and you wanted to break but the longer you spend time with them, the easier it’ll get. So go on. Celebrate. Celebrate the days of a new member for now. Enjoy yourself, Julie. Enjoy the party before…..the RUINING BEGINS!

(I hope you don't mind me answering this publicly, it seems very nice!) I do not know if by what you meant was to share my thoughts on the writing or the story so I will do both! I feel like this is a good opportunity to share some advice since I have two or three asks on writing advice.

Personally, I really like how you described the neighborhood, that was well done, but there are a few times that the sentences seem out of order with the wording. What I mean by this is that some of words could be replaced with other words or have some taken out completely. Or have the sentence structured differently.

"The lights flashed on and a bunch of random strangers came from the darkness with smiling faces, shouting and they looked at you looking for a response. To say you were surprised was an understatement, not even mad could explain it."

This is something I try being aware of myself as I used to do this a lot and I usually just look back at English writing lessons. I know English classes are pretty annoying in most schools up until high school, but most of my writing style is based on what I learned and remembered.

An example of another way to write this

Original: "The lights flashed on and a bunch of random strangers came from the darkness with smiling faces"

Rewritten: "The lights flicked on as strangers stepped out from the darkness, their faces bright with smiles."

An adjective such as "Bright smiles" can be used to show that these strangers are a bright and bubbly bunch.

Another thing that may help in the future is to try and use a lack of descriptions in certain bits to leave room for imagination. This is often used in suspension as the less we know, the more our brain thinks of something and tries to fill in the blanks.

A good habit to start with writing could be copying entire fanfictions or stories you like onto a Google Doc and break them down. Separate the sentences and study how someone might write a scene out and try it a few times with random prompts of your own.

Overall I really like what you wrote, I have a feeling it will be pretty good if what you're doing is a supervillain reader. I can definitely see conflict happening with how friendly the neighbors are and how most supervillains can be, the personalities will most certainly clash!

[prismaticpollen]

the things we do for friendship (1/4)

original characters, f/f, allergy

Wren helps her new roommate Vul settle in, getting a noseful of dust in the process.

(part 2 ) (part 3) (part 4)

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Ding!

Wren stepped out of the elevator with a deep sigh, eyes fixed on the sleek new clock in the hall. Twelve minutes past two. She was late.

She’d been so excited by her latest project that she’d run all the way from her building to the convenience store down the street, just over a mile in ten minutes. That was a new record for her, but it didn’t matter because the store had been unusually crowded and the lines unusually long. By the time she’d left the store, weighed down by her purchases, she’d burned through any extra time her enthusiasm might have saved her, and the return trip had taken another eighteen minutes. Overall, her errand had lasted forty minutes from start to finish, twelve minutes longer than she’d promised.

Oh well, nothing she could do now. Shifting all her bags into one hand, Wren reached into her right front pocket with the other. A moment later, bright green key ring successfully retrieved, she shifted her burden again, holding her groceries against her hip while she unlocked the front door of her apartment.

Inside, the place was dim and quiet. Too quiet, all things considered. Setting her bags down on the nearest table, Wren crept farther into the apartment, eyes peeled for anything unusual.

“Vul?” she called.

“I’m here! Come!” Judging by the direction of the sound, the response came from the spare bedroom. That made sense; Vul had been in the middle of unpacking when she’d left, and must have still been busy organizing. She probably hadn’t noticed what time it was, but Wren had set the two o’clock deadline as much for her own sake as her new roommate’s. They’d both been through a lot of changes very quickly, so she needed whatever semblance of consistency she could find, even when all she was doing was buying snacks.

“Wren? Come?”

Right. Time to see how much her friend had accomplished while she’d been out. “I’m coming, be right there!”

“Okay!” Vul acknowledged. Her voice was bright and clear like polished quartz, like it always was.

A few seconds of silence, broken only by her own footsteps on the carpet, then Wren reached the guest room threshold and had to bite down hard on her tongue to keep from laughing. She almost managed it, but she still had to pause to collect herself. Once she could speak without dissolving into giggles, she blurted out the first thing that came to mind: “Vul, what the fuck?”

“What?” Vul flicked her tail towards the floor, ultramarine eyes wide and unblinking as she turned toward the doorway. She was standing in the middle of the room, surrounded by overturned furniture and looking utterly bewildered. It seemed she had, in fact, finished organizing her things and moved onto tearing the rest of the room apart. Looking for something? No, everything she’d brought with her was piled neatly in one corner, so that couldn’t explain the mess.

“Sorry, let me try that again.” Wren made a mental note to avoid profanity around Vul, at least until the alien’s translation device could collect enough data to process her meaning fully. “What happened here?”

Another tail twitch, this time towards the window. “Bad view. I was nervous.”

Oh, duh. They were on the fifth floor, which was four stories higher than any building Vul was used to, based on what she’d said when Wren had first shown her around the apartment. As strong as she was, she could have easily knocked things over in a panic. “You got scared, you stopped thinking, right?”

“Yes. Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Wren said softly. “We’ll clean this up, then I can get curtains or something tomorrow, okay?”

“Curtains?” Vul sounded perplexed.

“To cover the window. That way you can’t look down and you don’t have to think about being up high.”

“Okay. Curtains tomorrow. I’ll clean up.”

“Let me put groceries away real quick,” Wren suggested. “Get started if you want, or you can wait for me to come help, there’s no rush.”

“I’ll clean up.” Vul lifted her chin, opening her mouth wide. Not really smiling, but close enough.

Wren smiled back, then spun on her heel, rushing back the way she’d come and collecting her recent purchases from the table she’d left them on. Moving into the kitchen, she made short work of putting everything where it belonged. As soon as she finished, she left the empty shopping bags on the counter by the fridge to deal with later.

By the time she got back to the spare room, Vul had clearly been equally efficient: nearly half the room was back to normal already. Letting out an appreciative whistle, she crossed the room to help balance the shelf her friend was lifting back into its proper position.

With both of them working together, the rest of the cleanup went even faster. Wren had to stop to catch her breath a few times, unused to the weight of some of the larger items, but Vul didn’t seem to mind the interruptions, and they finished in what felt like record time.

Letting go of the last piece of furniture, Wren shook her hands out in front of her, releasing tension from the way she’d been gripping the edges of each object while Vul watched curiously. “I don’t know about you, but I need to sit down after that,” she panted. She was fine, really, she just needed to relax after all the heavy lifting. Her throat was dry, that was all.

Leaving the guest room, she ducked into the kitchen, quickly downing a small glass of water before continuing into the living room and flopping onto the couch. The water helped, but her throat still felt off. She swallowed, shifting her jaw from side to side and waiting for the itch to subside.

Moments later, Vul appeared in the doorway to the kitchen, moving towards the couch with her tail swishing playfully behind her. “How was shopping?”

“It was fi- ihh!” Wren started to reply, then stopped mid-sentence. Not on purpose, it was an easy question to answer, but because her body had chosen that moment to interfere. “Hang oohhn!” she gasped. Fighting the sudden tickle blooming in her nose.

“Wren?” Vul was staring at her now, wide-eyed with confusion.

She held up her hand: wait. Any second now.

“Hhh! Hehh… ihhh-! Hihh’tschiew! HAhh-!”

That was weird, there were usually two. “As I was saying, shopping was fine. I had a good day. How about you?”

“What was that?”

“What was what?” Wren was sure she hadn’t brought up anything new just then. Wondering what concept Vul was struggling with, she wrinkled her nose, something she often did while thinking, then immediately regretted it.

“HAhh… hehh! Hihh! Hehh-ihh… HahHTchiieew! Hhtschuu! Hh’tchoo!”

Oh no. How had she been so stupid?

“Hhuh’TSCH! Hihtsch! Hahh’tch! Hht’CHU! Hahhtchoo! HheHTCHUU! Hihh’TCHEEWW! HHATSCHIEEEWW!”

When Wren finally finished, panting for breath, she opened her eyes to find Vul right in front of her. The alien was frozen in shock, sitting on the living room floor with her gray skin glistening with spray.

She must have closed the remaining distance between them while Wren was too busy sneezing her head off to notice. Meeting Wren’s gaze, she brought one hand up to wipe her face, unclipping the thin wedge of metal that housed her translator from her belt with the other.

“Never mind,” Vul said quietly. She seemed unbothered, as if what had just happened was a total non-event.

“Oh my— I’m sorry! That was so gross,” Wren muttered. She was almost certain her face was bright red, as much from embarrassment as effort, but the other girl just shook her head, baring her teeth in an awkward almost-smile.

“Don’t worry about it.”

[system-of-a-feather]

Man, I'm (Fei, final fused state) listening to the Loki Season 2 Part 2 Soundtrack and the line "Purpose is often more burden than glory" really sticks with me cause man 0 if there is anything to summarize the core locus that defines the "Riku Part" in relation to the rest of the system, the thing that makes the basis for every elaborate dynamic and role they have with the other parts, it would be best summarized as "Purpose and/or Passion". Everything about their role in the system boils down to them being the sole carrier and center of purpose and passion and that they are functionally there to provide that not only for themselves but the entire system - and ever since our childhood / original host situation got fucked up around age 7-10 they've been living that on full drive as a host / one of the hosts / one of the most frequent fronters since then.

And honestly, having to be responsible for giving, providing, and generating a sense of purpose for the system - a genuine "why" to keep going - when growing up being abused, being targetted for MC-related stuff from a snake of a sister that was our "only non-abusive older person in our life" who gave us up to predators and left us for daring to be hurt by that, being disabled and having multiple mental health issues, being otherwise a lone, and having almost every friendship we invested to end with no closure (moved without goodbyes) or turned abusive - was both an insane pressure and a mammoth of a task, especially when you consider that save for the first and last two years, they were the ONLY host and they lived through MOST of the last half of our childhood

They had to experience and endure the garbage of life as a teen and then the climb out and survival in college as the main person experiencing it, and still - despite it all - keep their head up and never waver in their purpose because if THEY lost sight of it, if they stopped believing in it, if they wavered, the system as a whole would collapse beneath them. And that sounds like a catastophization, but as a fused state of all our parts, I can say for certain that - especially during any point before we graduated college - if they ever did genuinely stay down for more too long, we would have imploded. Most other parts don't have any motivation to heal, recovery, or keep trying. Most don't have motivation to try to do better or even really live on their own. Some parts - even with Riku's radiating vision - barely managed to hold faith in them to not just off and kill themselves or go off and commit crimes that would end in a rather short life.

And thats what XIV - hell most of the parts that are otherwise headstrong, angry and closed off and/or smarter, wiser, and more capable than Riku on their own - respected the most out of them despite the fact that they're fucking idiots 95% of the time. Out of context, Riku is really nothing special - they're stupid, they've got shitty stamina and are completely whiny about any level of physical discomfort, they are the worlds largest hypocrites because they know whats right and struggle A LOT to actually do what they suggest, they are control freaks and particular as fuck and there are alters here that can do almost everything way better than they can and yet a lot of the time they are stubborn and even though they CAN easily switch with any of the other parts, they choose to make themselves suffer. In our trauma therapist's words that Riku agreed to - they are addicted to their own misery. (Which probably comes from the fact that they find it easier to find and see their purpose better when they are suffering than when they aren't suffering)

All in all, Riku out of context is a very mediocre and an average normal person (a generalist, which isn't bad, but as a stubborn control freak it is very frustrating from the specialist views) in relevance to the rest of the frequent fronters (a lot of us being a lot more specialists in that we have very specific extreme skills and huge deficiencies elsewhere), but within the context - Riku is beyond a specialist in their sheer resilience and ability to always see something worthwhile in the garbage of everything.

In a similar but very very different way than XIV, they never loose because they never see an end to the "why" and more than anything else, thats what really got us to our place in life. Thats why I am able to sit here and be me, a fused whole for the time being, writing the genuine insight to the host of 15 or so years that somehow always kept their head up and kept trudging through.

It's why Riku as a part is known in this system for being the part that no part can genuinely hate for long. There are so many reasons a lot of parts have to hate them, or be frustrated with them, or want to usurp their central role to the system, but in the end of the day - they really believe in the most for all parts of our system, in the world, and others. They see the most potential in others and look at the most dismal situations and "give up on it" situations and both internally as a part, internally as a system, and to those around them, really dedicate to wanting to see people reach where they belong. To them, those they come to know have a place to be, a great thing to become - maybe for the world, maybe for society, maybe for their close peers, maybe just for themselves - and they just really genuinely like to see all that potential grow and flourish against all preconsceived notions of what is possible.

It's not anything "special" for them, it's just their way of existence because its their extreme that they got from our childhood, our trauma, and our disorder. They see potential - a why - in almost everything and anyone they spend enough time with and they love to see that why be realized.

I dunno, I feel like Riku and XIV have spent time trying to pinpoint and explain the nature of Riku and how - despite being considerably average to the other parts in the system - Riku is by far the most respected and loved parts in our system. Perhaps its cause they're so average as well that they are the best.

You know, "Sometimes the best horse is the worst horse, and the worst horse is best horse, because the best horse learns too easily and misses the marrow of the practice where as the worst horse will fail and struggle and yet persevere to deeply understand the practice and when that worst horse learns the practice, he will have a much deeper, much more full understanding and appreciation of the practice" - the allegory(?) from Shunryu Suzuki that our system loves, I think best summarizes the nature of Riku.

[confusedspaceotter]

Daily avatrice analysis (day 6)

day1 day2 day3 day4 day5 day6 day7 day8 day9

*takes a deep breath* Oh god here we go

Ep 8 pt 2

Edit: originally I basically told the internt my life story but I've decided to create a separate post instead: here's the link

Now on the the actual analysis itself now that we are done being emotional

Here we have avatrcie reading each other's minds

Well more like Bea understood that if she wanted to help Ava figure out what she really wanted to say 

The best way to do it is to directly ask her

And here the little smirk from our dearest Avatrice captain Camila

Girl knows what she’s doing

Also if she had read sister Melanie’s entry does that mean Camila also knows French??

Well at least fluent enough the read the entry 

Damn  is Camila our secret multilingual queen??

Anway moving on 

Most people think that the moment Camila handed the journal to Bea, she took one look at it and she immediately knew Camila was trying to encourage her to come out to Ava?

I actually think here is where she found out sister Melanie is gay

Assuming Bea didn’t flip though the entry off camera 

Here we can see that she flip to another page then answer Ava, telling her Sister Melanie is gay

Meaning this information was not on the page where Camila left it open for Bea 

And this is a moment Bea realised what Camila is trying to encourage her to do

Look at how she took a breath before she said Lesbich

I think this is where Bea started to see herself in Sister Melanie’s shoes 

(Kinda like how when I see this scene and feel oh shit this is me)

And also I think that since she is putting herself in the story, it is remind her how she was treated as well

 That why at the end of the entry 

When she read the line “I felt unbound.Unburdened.I felt finally myself.”

You can see her voice cracking subtly 

Because this is what she secretly wants too

To feel unbound by her parents

Unburdened of the responsibilities in life

(In her case is whatever she was forced to be as a daughter of diplomats)

And to feel herself 

Just Beatrice 

And that’s just fucking relatable

Here you can see Bea trying to salvage whatever composure she had left but then Ava basically asks if she is okay and she just couldn’t hold it in anymore

Bea then kinda got “mad” at Ava

But is more like a defense mechanism

I bet she had this kind of conversation about her sexuality before and it definitely did not end well

So everything this topic came up she got defensive about it 

Which is understandable 

Bea’s I’m sorry is more about her feeling bad for her sudden outburst of emotions and sorry that Ava was there to witness it 

But I think she feel sorry that she is essentially coming to her because she view her sexuality as a burden rather than just part of her 

And Ava’s I’m sorry is her feeling bad seeing Bea crying plus I feel think those nuns at the orphanage would often made her apologize for something that’s not her fault so it could be a reflexive response 

And here’s comes one of the best lines in the show 

Along with this fucking smile 

The pain and sadness in her eyes turned into feeling grateful and full of love the moment she saw Ava

This right there ladies and gentlemen 

Is where Bea had her oh shit I’m in love moment 

Because hearing Ava’s response she realized she finally met the one person who would be happy for who she is 

And will embrace her fully 

And they say Avatrice is queer baiting smh 

Here we can see local gay nun gets accepted once and decide to ride of die with them

Not but seriously no way in hell that “us” means us here

I’m certain is just Bea’s fear that’s stopping her from saying me

And the “you mean that?” By Ava?

Baby girl get genuine care for once and she is hooked 

But it doesn’t stop the voiced in her head telling her this is not real she is lying so Ava asked for confirmation 

Which Bea will gladly replied with “you know I do”

Finally we have the not kiss scene

My thoughts on this can be summarized by this gif:

we move on to ep 9 tmr

btw i was thinking taking a short break after i'm done with s1 cause i have actual deadlines this week soooo

stay tuned for more:)

day7

[intriq]

✿ band-aids

YOOO LOOK ITS MY FIRST FLUFF ONESHOT? WOWIE?? OH MY GAHHH

little moon universe btw! takes place when reader is nine years old and bruce is fifteen

TW: mentions of bullying, blood, injuries

im very upset tho bc like, i wanted to find this cute and pretty picture of like flower-pattern band-aids to put up w this post but all i got were band-aids and flowers >:c big sad

̶̶̶̶  «̶ ̶̶̶ ̶ «̶ ̶̶̶ 　　　　 ̶ ̶ ̶»̶ ̶̶̶ ̶ »̶ ̶̶̶  

"When did they start picking on you?" Bruce asks. He was currently seated in just a random quiet corner of school. Where you'd "dragged" him⎯ he followed after you, of course. Your little attempts at trying to drag him when he was so much older and taller than you were quite adorable.

You pull another band-aid out of the little box you'd pulled out of your backpack, standing in front of Bruce as he sits in a chair he'd stolen from one of the empty classrooms.

You avoid answering his question, though. You just smooth out the little flower-patterned band-aid on his split knuckles, bruised and bleeding from the fight he'd just been in.

Bruce had fought your bullies, more specifically. Kids that were bigger than you, a little older than you. You were small for a nine-year-old, pretty scrawny, too.

"Moon. Answer me."

His voice is stern, and you visibly tense up. That didn't ease Bruce's worries at all, watching as you grab another band-aid from the little box, avoiding looking him in the eyes.

"It's been going on for awhile." You reply quietly, and it takes everything for Bruce not to sigh out loud. He knew that if he'd had any sort of reaction to that right now, you'd assume he was mad at you.

But he wasn't mad at you. It wasn't your fault you were being bullied, after all.

"Why didn't you tell me or Alfred?" Bruce asks after a moment, forcing himself to slowly breath out, so as not make you upset. You were a sensitive kid, after all. You seemed to cry so easily.

"I... didn't want to be a burden. Or a bother. You guys already have to deal with my nightmares." You mumble, your bottom lip puckered out in a pout, cheeks puffing up in a way that made Bruce instantly compare you to a hamster.

"You wouldn't be a bother or a burden, Moon. Alfred takes care of you because he cares about you." Would Bruce ever admit out loud he cared about you? No.

It was just not really the way he did things. He was more of a "show how much you care about someone through actions" kind of person, even to the person he viewed as his little sibling.

"What about you, though? Aren't I a bother to you?" You ask innocently, and Bruce leans down as he sees you reach up on the tips of your toes to put a band-aid over the bridge of his nose⎯ which was horridly bruised and was cut-up.

Bruce shakes his head at your question, before giving a questioning look. "That won't do anything to help the bruises, Moon."

"I know! But it's the thought that counts, right?"

Bruce just simply shakes his head in response, a small little laugh leaving him as he sits up straight once more after you were satisfied with the amount of band-aids you'd put on the bruises and cuts on his face.

"Your gonna get in trouble with Alfy for getting into fights, Bruce." You whine, putting yet another one of your little flower-patterned band-aids on Bruce's split knuckles.

Your attempts at trying to patch up Bruce were endearing to him. He'd already faced much worse, considering he was already learning to be a Vampire Hunter. Which meant he came home with much, much worse injuries than this already.

But he wouldn't stop you. It'd put a smile on your face, after all. You didn't smile this wide very often, so why would he say something to take that happy little grin off your face?

Plus, you felt helpful. He wasn't going to stop you from feeling like you were helping him for once.

"I'm fine with getting in trouble, Moon. It won't bother me if it means those kids won't pick on you again, alright?" Bruce replies with a light laugh, reaching a hand up to simply ruffle your hair, which causes you to pout at him and try to duck away.

You also attempt to swat Bruce's hand away, but that really was only a futile attempt as he leans forward to wrap one arm around your shoulders to pull you close so he could further ruffle your hair, making you whine and tell him to stop while trying to wriggle free.

"Bruce!" You whine, finally managing to duck free of his assault on messing up your hair, a pout on your lips as you huff at him. A very exaggeratingly loud huff to show how upset you were.

"Alright, alright. Did you get hurt anywhere today, when they picked on you?"

"On my arm."

Bruce reaches a hand out, taking the arm you'd pointed to in question, inspecting it. "Hmm... Yea, you got quite the bruise."

Bruce looks down at his lap, diving one of his hands into that box of band-aids you'd dropped when he'd started messing with your hair to grab a band-aid.

"Lemme return the favor, alright?" Bruce hums in reply as you try to pull your arm away, only for you to grumble a very you sounding "fine, whatever" that you definitely picked up from his normally grumpy demeanor.

And so, Bruce puts the flower-patterned band-aid onto that bruise on your arm, which just makes you laugh. "That won't do anything!" You giggle, and Bruce only smiles.

A little small smile.

"It's the thought that counts, right?"

[breakerwhiskey]

095 - NINETY-FIVE

Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit patreon.com/breakerwhiskey.

Transcript under the cut. For more episodes, click here.

[click, static]

Hey Birdie.

I got to the Grand Canyon.

I can’t believe I called it a hole in the ground. It is…so much more than that.

I’ve never seen anything like it.

I drove right up to the edge—who was gonna stop me, right? And now I’m sitting on the hood of my car, watching the sun rise.

The colors are extraordinary. The light and the shadows, the different shades of the earth. The bits of reflected light from the river down below.

This isn’t—I don’t know what you meant yesterday in saying I was wrong about the impression I’ve left on the world, but I don’t think you really appreciate the comparison I’m making. I’m not denying that I’ve made choices that have had…devastating consequence. Even if you take some of the lesser choices—the ones that I don’t feel regret over—they obviously still had an effect on people. Every piece of art I helped steal had some kind of ripple effect.

But the real mark—the one, the last one I left, I guess…I know—I mean, I can only imagine the, not even ripple, the wave that that left. I know that there are some decisions that will leave permanent marks. On you just as much as others.

But I’ve—I guess I’ve comforted myself with the fact that it didn’t matter after all. Even if we hadn’t—even if I hadn’t done what I did, everything was about to change anyway. The “incident” or whatever it was happened and changed the world overnight—or maybe really gradually, I don’t know. Everyone either died or was…raptured? Moved into underground cities? Abducted by aliens?

I was a meteor, maybe. But the crater is impossible to see because a much bigger meteor came along and blew away the earth around my crater. I’m one wave inside of a tsunami.

I—I think maybe I know what you were trying to say though. I’ve been thinking about it—and about you and what I know about you—and you seem to walk around your life with this immense burden of responsibility on your shoulders. You told me that what you did—whatever happened with your job—still matters. And I'm sorry, I’m sorry it’s still haunting you.

But if you’re trying to tell me that what I do matters, that it matters just as much as whatever happened with you? Trust me, I get it. I heard that particular lecture pretty often, for six straight years, I don’t need it from you. Don’t project your guilt onto me.

So I’m just going to sit here, watching the sun rise over this beautiful, natural phenomenon, and marvel at the fact that as much as I matter, nothing I could ever do would erase this view from the world. [click, static] [beeps]

[intoxicatinginsanity]

It’s nights like these, where the thought of the view from halfway down is no longer a deterrent that works on my brain. I see the welcoming comfort of the forever sleep and I don’t immediately go, ‘no that just won’t do’. I dwell. I dip my feet in the dark waters, feeling the tug of the current on my skin; wondering how quick it would be.How inevitably painless it would be; if I just allowed myself to get pulled in by the undertow.

It would be scary, sure. But then, it would be done. And so would all the things that never seem to stop going wrong in my life. My inability to hold down work. My lack of prospects as a woman in my late twenties. The fact that my degree is ultimately useless. That I’ve worked nothing but menial jobs my whole life so I don’t qualify for anything of “ high pay value”. That I had to take a three year work gap because my partner caught cancer, and then a pandemic hit, and then after that pandemic they got an auto immune disease. That same condition we can’t even get formally diagnosed because our countries medical system is completely shit and the insurance available for the low income essentially hopes that we just die.

There’s also the ever growing realization that there is no one I can really turn to for help; especially not my family. That I’m at the edge of poverty, and that point in time is quickly approaching. That it’s either take a trash job that will work me until I’m more than the hollowed shell I already am, and put me at risk for contracting health issues from covid. That I also have to put my partner at risk of hospitalization, further immune issues and possible death, for said trash job. And then there is my usefulness, or rather uselessness as someone with utterly terrible executive function. My ADHD makes the most simple things, painstaking hard. My autism, makes it even harder. And the responsibilities keep piling up, and I am terrible at juggling. Everything is so overwhelming all the time. And frankly I just feel like imploding most days and when I look at myself in the mirror all I ever see is a burden and a failure. And I know everyone around me sees it too. And while yes, I know it will “get better”. Better isn’t here. Better seems so so far away. And I’m so so tired. And the weight I carry everyday is unbearably heavy. And on nights like this, I don’t feel like I can keep carrying it all.

But I’ll try anyways…because that’s what I have to do. I have to keep moving, performing, contributing, etc. Until I no longer can and then I’ll just be another fucking statistic that got caught in the cog of the capitalist machine. Trying to keep float when everything that is vital to living and having a stable life is only achievable through monetary means is fucking torture on the mind and body. And I’m so tired.

[abc-felixx]

I dreamt I had a boat and brought it to the dock, I dreamt of having a big glass red lantern that could play music, I had other things too. I was waiting for my friends, there was more dream before this I just simply can’t remember. I dreamt that it wasn’t gonna happen, I was waiting as if it were a test. I think I was going to retreat the boat Idk. there was a huge group of people who came down to the dock, alluring like circus friendship. they all got in the water and filmed whatever they were making. I got in the water too, they let me take polaroids of them and chat. I remember diving, plunging, the water was so beautiful. my little sister was there, she was dressed up too with the circus. I got a polaroid of her. I don’t remember really talking, just more so them coming and going, and how much I miss water. and nature. and freedom, maybe that’s what I need. I kept walking through spiderwebs in those desire paths, spiderwebs that were thick and held bugs that I’d have to pick off the skin. They left, I didn’t know what’s up with my friends. Awake, I know I’m really starting to miss going out, the shows, the urban night. It’s flashing lights, dense places, it’s like magic and it’s where all my problems wash away. I can focus on nothing but the playful energy of the night and even expressing myself without hiding behind multiple curtains, sometimes I feel I’m only myself then. It’s not very often I feel content perhaps, the feeling keeps dissipating. Whether that’s age or the time I live in or a curse or my circumstances, my mistakes, my disposition or once again age. Or maybe deep down I’m always scared and feel this pressure, just the simple pressure of being alive. It’s the pressure I feel towards responsibilities, towards my social life, towards going to school, showing up to work (on time, and then doing the job), even staying in contact with family, with doctors, with the legal system, and driving my car. What if I stopped showing up, what if I stopped calling, what if I didn’t do anything? I’d get a warrant, I’d lose respect, I’d lose my entire life, my everything, my even striving for sense of purpose. It’s all so hard to build up, to create a foundation and get so far, but then it could fall so easily, so fast. That’s the pressure, the all the time forever pressure. You may say I’m being pessimistic, life is or can be the slippery slope that academics would call a fallacy. The pressure is a sandcastle and I’m kicking it, if not then it shall wash away. I’m not sure what that means. Last thought is, what the fuck, life is one big pressure, or is it just the epitome of anxiety and one’s ability to cope and deal with it? It just pisses me off that no matter how hard I work, I’m still in a hole, the hole is digging bigger actually. I work so hard and somehow I have less, I wasn’t made to have my life revolve around money. I share my narrow point of view on life, I’m aware I’m being close-minded, but I’m poor, getting poorer, I’m busy, getting busier, and the system works against me, at least I have health insurance that covers some things. The stress of thinking forward, the anxiety of thinking back, and the present dragging of feet, the present where I don’t do anything but think. I realize I only get like this when life starts to feel like pressure, life is not pressure actually. Life starts to feel like pressure maybe when well, I won’t say. It’s a big ball of pressure, but when I’m better it’ll all feel small and easy, as it should be because these aren’t tasks that should carry such burden or weight. Hit me up soon or I’ll update when this changes, my world view is constantly shifting in waves or currents of my states. I talk optimism next, when I get back there. The endless hustle, struggle, and grind, it’s gonna be great. Money does buy happiness, the cap is $75k a year, after that money doesn’t buy happiness just by the way. Also, in my dream, the dock was private property and I ended up getting in trouble for trespassing.

[voidsona]

I hope I find someone I can trust for d/s stuff again. It would be nice who has a dom that regularly checks in on me and gives me health reminders like water.

But I feel rn like anyway would just say I’m too much. I think I began to believe from how much she seemed to treat things like an unwanted obligation that no one could possibly want to be my dom.

I don’t know if I feel like she ever acknowledged the inherent power dynamic she wielded over me by being my dom. And how much that played into the deterioration of our relationship. We probably should’ve never had a d/s element because she did not have a consistent enough track record to make me feel emotionally safe. She kept agreeing to that responsibility and then being careless with my heart. I don’t think she was ever really truly prepared for sub drop and a lot of times it felt like I was a burden because of that.

I shouldn’t have agreed to have a continued d/s element after the first break up. After that it felt a lot like I was fighting for someone to love me. I never felt like I was good enough. My self esteem was so hurt I thought this was as good as it could get, that no one would love me unconditionally so I should just accept whatever I was given.

We never got to talk about how much it hurt that she continuously said she would fulfill her duties as a dom but then wouldn’t when she was upset with me. I honestly don’t think she had enough experience with d/s to realize how damaging this was.

And all of this is why it was a relief to me in October when she acknowledged that she had stopped valuing me the same way. Because from the beginning I worried eventually she would take me for granted and to be honest I feel like she did.

I feel like the majority of our relationship I felt like I was always on the verge of being abandoned but I couldn’t talk about my mental health for most of our relationship because up until October she didn’t acknowledge that I was trying my best under the living conditions I was in

I remember vividly the time that I had been surprised by Renee with some bullshit and debated whether I should vent to T at all about it. She said I could when she picked me up. When she did pick me up I opened up about this new thing that was bothering me. And she seemed very irritated and dismissive. She was tired of me just “viewing everything negatively”. Like bruh I live somewhere where a man is stealing every afab persons underwear. I live somewhere where the building owner is on site and very passive aggressive. I live somewhere where two people are thieves and neither of them are going to be kicked out for it. The main form of communication was passive aggression. Renee was constantly bullied and also constantly pushing my boundaries. It was stressful.

But T was tired that it was something that was still bothering me and made me feel very dismissed. Like it should be something I should just put up with. The majority of time I lived her I did not feel emotionally supported by her. I realize in retrospect I think she couldn’t actually handle the level of emotional support I needed but couldnt admit that to herself.

But I know that the real degradation of our relationship to me was rooted in that, a way she can’t even acknowledge hurt me. I started coping with how insensitive she was being by telling myself maybe she didn’t understand enough what it’s like to be afab. Which culminated in me misinterpreting her during an anime we were watching that ultimately lead to our first breakup.

I don’t think she’ll ever acknowledge how much she hurt me because she doesn’t see it as forgivable. I saw it as forgivable. Because I think she views a certain level of relationship as having inherent animosity in it. She began to treat me like an in inconvenience and then as soon as I was emotionally disregulated enough she started saying that I was mistreating her without realizing our relationship had already been broken for a while

I really need to stop reading past journal entries. It hurts to see how much I hung on to her every word in the beginning. Without knowing me long she gave me a nickname. She loved my singing. She thought all my opinions were the greatest. But eventually things happened that knocked me off the pedestal she put me on. I disagree with people who say she love bombed me because love bombing is part of a cycle of abuse. I understand tho why people felt like she was controlling because for so long she could talk about my mental health as fully authoritative and if I disagreed I wasn’t taking accountability. But if I asked her to look after her mental health I was making up stuff that wasn’t there

Until she finally started bringing up things I requested in therapy and acknowledging that she wasn’t always accurate in how she viewed things. I think the cognitive dissonance of acknowledging herself as an imperfect person who had hurt me was too much though. Because it wasn’t much more than a month after I gave her a second chance that she reverted to viewing things as if I had always been some perpetrator. She has a hard time when she hurts me acknowledging feelings of guilt. I don’t know if she’s capable of sitting with it. So instead of feeling guilty she coped by retconning what happened between us.

For this reason I don’t think we’ll ever be on the same page. Because I feel things very deeply and often by just expressing my emotions she would assume I was being critical or angry. The amount of times her tune completely changed when I called her and she realized I was crying and that what I said had come from sadness, not anger.

I think my abusive ex gave me too much trauma that is unhealed. I don’t think our relationship could’ve worked because of this. Because if I ever brought up how my ptsd was triggered by her doing something similar to an abusive ex, she would say “I’m not your exes”. As if what I was saying was an accusation more than it was a request for reassurance.

I’ve never been in a relationship where someone so often got mad at me for not clarifying I needed assurance. She didn’t have much forgiveness or empathy for the moments I didn’t have perfect introspection.

She also was not very gentle with how her irritability affected me. If I was irritable I was expected to accept full responsibility for any impact I had but if I was impacted by her irritability I wasn’t taking care of my mental health.

So much of our relationship was unbalanced. I have to realize she was right when she said she couldn’t be a good partner. I think she expects too much for a partner to be perfect and doesn’t expect relationships to go through normal cycles of rupture and repair. So when rupture happens she views it as a sign to ditch everything instead of make it work.

And I will admit towards the end I was very unhealthy but I don’t know why she both wants me to say I pushed her to do what she did to me while also saying my mental health was in no way impacted by her negatively.

It’s been three days since we last talked if you don’t count when I sent her gas money bc I noticed she needed it.

Ultimately rn I feel like we never should’ve been intimate. I don’t regret my time with her. But someone fresh out of a relapse that almost killed them shouldn’t have started a new relationship. I never got to a point of being grounded enough in myself. I immediately latched onto her. I felt like I owed her my life. And in retrospect I think me falling in love with her was not a reason to date her. I knew I was very vulnerable and I took a risk. I don’t think she coerced me in anyway.

Things at the beginning were so magical. But gradually I leaned on her harder and harder. And I don’t think she could acknowledge that she wasn’t cut out for it so she just began to resent me and treat me differently.

You know what rehashing our entire relationship isn’t making me feel any better.

[rabprabp]

My Trip Alone

I flew 10,000 miles away from home alone with no clear purpose but running away from my own life. At first, I felt uncertain or maybe disheartened to continue going, considering the pandemic, budget and also safety, but I went anyway, all because of my (still) valid visa. Prior to my departure, I kept doubting my decision to go and rescheduled my flights several times. 

I took a red-eye flight hoping that I could sleep during the flight but I was wrong, I stayed awake the whole 29 hours. The trip was comfortable and there were many empty seats around me so I could rest comfortably. All was good until 2 hours before landing because there was a non-stop turbulence that made the glass of water fall from the fray.

Thankfully everything went so smoothly that it only took 15 minutes to pass the immigration check and 10 minutes for baggage. Then I chose to rent a Mercedes SUV which cost me around $200 from the airport to my hotel which I regretted later because it wasn’t right for me to waste money for things I didn’t really need. I should have taken a cab or train.

I wasn't used to the cold weather, unusually cold for the season. Once I got into the hotel room I turned the heater which took forever to run. I felt terribly tired, in need of sleep but I needed more time to take a shower just because it was so cold inside. In my exhaustion I felt homesick and I cried in my room, back then I think I didn’t know what really amiss. It was my intention to go so why did I cry? 

Well, that’s my first day there, the other days were not that bad, actually it wasn’t bad at all. I enjoyed my time alone, I learnt to clear my mind, practiced mindfulness and tried to forgive myself. By going out alone in the new place I saw the flaws in me that I didn’t see while doing my routine, then I learnt to tolerate myself. The significant time difference also ruined my time allocation but it was good in a way to break bad habits and create a new healthier one.

Long story short, after several days I went to my cousin’s house to stay for some days and moved to another cousin’s house. Actually I didn’t plan to stay in their house because I didn’t want to be a burden and I thought that we weren’t that close but I changed my mind. Unexpectedly, there were so many key takeaways from staying at my cousins’ because I saw households other than my own and I saw the flaws and imperfections here and there, and I saw how they put their effort to make things work. On the contrary, I also saw wholeness and contentment. I learnt how they dealt with their partners’ behaviors with which they didn’t really agree and how they worked together to run their households.

I was never close with my cousins perhaps because of the age-gap, and during the family gathering we never really talked but only greeted one another and had chit-chat. I was amazed that we had deep talk there about the topics we never discussed in our home country and during family gatherings. They treated me like an adult, we spoke as adults. We talked about life and I felt understood. We talked about being the firstborn in the family and how we see responsibility. I got wisdom and comfort from their stories. We also talked about the loneliness we felt at home and how it shaped our personalities and how to ‘unlearn’ it that it was our own responsibility to be happy. Moreover, for the first time in my life I felt like I had older siblings, older brother/sister I never had. It felt nice being someone’s younger sister, that I needed not to worry because somebody took care of me. It felt like forever since the last time I took off the emotional load. I also learnt that it wasn’t necessary to cross the line to show that you care, something I never knew was possible in family life. Now my trip found its purpose, to listen to their stories and views which I overlooked when we were home.

I also encountered good people, an immigrant taxi driver who graciously took me to the train station with my luggages he told me that he knew how intimidating the situations were for newcomers. On the flight home, I sat between two kindhearted persons, one was a girl who traveled alone to Africa and another was a South East Asian man. Sometimes in a 12 hour flight we talked and the old man shared his stories. I was inspired by his stories. Also, I thanked the girl for helping me take my backpack and bag since I had to run to catch the connecting flight which would depart in 20 minutes.