#i hate this fucking job i don't want to do this anymore but i have to
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I am so beyond ready to quit this job. Wednesday cannot come fast enough.
#to be fair it's bc school starts again in a few weeks#but idk. every day at this office feels like sandpaper on my skin. people always ask me shit i dont understand#and every case is so individual there's no set checklist to follow to troubleshoot#so most of the time I just grind my gears and get stuck#it'd busy more days than not.#and it was advertised to me as data entry only. client interactions was not what i signed up for.#it's all client interaction.#we're short staffed so nobody gets to take the back office and have a break.#when we weren't short staffed i was the new guy and only got 1 day in the back a week while everyone else got 2.#all my coworkers are conservative but talk like they're apolitical.#i thought it'd be fulfilling bc im helping people get benefits#but many are rude or impatient as any other service job. I'm constantly trying to direct people that don't want to listen#or explain the intricacies of something i barely understand.#and i don't want to lead people astray bc you have to start over if you blow a deadline.#but there's just nothing redeeming that i enjoy.#i hate customer service. i hate constantly asking questions. i like seldom few of my coworkers.#i can't be me at work.#and i don't care about the work itself anymore.#this job made me cry every day for weeks last month from sheer stress and overstimulation.#i almost cried myself sick several times.#the only reason I'm not there anymore is bc i dont fucking care anymore.#it took me 2 months to burn out. 2 months!#i was training for half of that!!#idk. everyone decided i was smart and could pick it up quickly so. even though everyone else got 4-6 weeks of shadowing#you can make do with 3 before you start doing stuff solo.#which feels unfair. i wasn't ready for it. and i resent the decision quite a bit.#plus it's been a nightmare for me in terms of external stressors and my generally deteriorating mental health. so.#all in all. i hate it here.#and i can't wait to turn in my notice so i can gtfo in 2 weeks#i am so tired. free me. let me go back to my music please
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I'm not an extrovert. At all. In everyday life, I'm a yapper, sure, but I need someone to first assure me I am okay to yap, so I don't start conversations, even when I really want to join in sometimes! It's just the social anxiety acting up. God knows where from and why I lose a lot of my inhibitions when it comes to talking to people about music. I don't know where the confidence has suddenly sprung from. I've made a crazy amount of friends in musical circles, either just talking to people about common music or (since it is after all in music circles) talking to bands about their own music. I let out a sigh of relief any time an interaction goes well, because in truth it's going against my every instinct. I wish I could do that in everyday life
#like that's the point where we need to remind everyone around me that as much as I say#radio is 'a job'-- it's not 'my job' lol. I wish I was this interested in data science#but like. Honestly?? I'm not even a data scientist!? I answered a few questions about classical AI having come from a computer science back#background and now people are saying to me 'I know you're a data scientist and not a programmer' sir I am a computer scientist#what are you on about#and like I guess I get to google things and they're paying me so I'm not complaining but like I am not a data scientist#my biggest data scientist moment was when I asked 'do things in data science ever make sense???' and a bunch of data scientists went#'no :) Welcome to the club' ???????#why did I do a whole ass computer science degree then. Does anyone at all even want that anymore. Has everything in the realm of#computer science just been Solved. What of all the problems I learned and researched about. Which were cool. Are they just dead#Ugh the worst thing the AI hype has done rn is it has genuinely required everyone to pretend they're a data scientist#even MORE than before. I hate this#anyway; I wish I didn't hate it and I was curious and talked to many people in the field#like it's tragicomedy when every person I meet in music is like 'you've got to pursue this man you're a great interviewer blah blah blah'#and like I appreciate that this is coming from people who themselves have/are taking a chance on life#but. I kinda feel like my career does not exist anymore realistically so unless 1) commercial radio gets less shitty FAST#2) media companies that are laying off 50% of their staff miraculously stop or 3) Tom Power is suddenly feeling generous and wants#a completely unknown idiot to step into the biggest fucking culture show in the country (that I am in no way qualified for)#yeah there's very very little else. There's nothing else lol#Our country does not hype. They don't really care for who you are. f you make a decent connection with them musically they will come to you#Canada does not make heroes out of its talent. They will not be putting money into any of that. Greenlight in your dreams.#this is something I've been told (and seen) multiple times. We'll see it next week-- there are Olympic medallists returning to uni next wee#no one cares: the phrase is 'America makes celebrities out of their sportspeople'; we do not. Replace sportspeople with any public professi#Canada does not care for press about their musicians. The only reason NME sold here was because Anglophilia not because of music journalism#anyway; personal
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well that was a shortlived good feeling about my job
#maybe i should just become unemployed. maybe i should just suffer!#recap of todays further events .#that supervisor? who i kinda didnt already like but now absolutely hate?#she came down to confirm that i wasnt leaving. okay . and then she fucking tells me#oh we're going to get another person to help out from this other company. we were going to do that bc we thought you were leaving#but she thinks that even if im staying there should be another person on this floor. bc apparently more has to be done#and there are 'constant complaints' abt this floor . which doesnt make sense to me bc there shouldnt be#and so we're waiting to see what the manager decides but hes on fucking vacation and wont get back until. next week??#she said she was gonna email him and like right after she left i emailed and texted him explaining everything#and trying to very nicely say hey what the fuck are you doing you don't need to hire anyone else#and if im doing a bad job fucking tell me so i can do it better. bitch#and she had the nerve to fucking tell me when she was talking to me#that i wont find an easier job than this one#well if its so fucking easy why are we hiring someone else#by the way getting that extra person from this other company doesnt cost them anything which is why theyre doing it i think#which is making me not feel good abt my own future lmao. like why would they keep paying me when they can get someone for free#and she was saying all this stuff like oh you have it so good here we dont write you up i do all this stuff to help you like . ok#i didnt ask you to come downstairs w the coffee order and if you wanted me to i would come up . god#but the thing of me not being able to find a better job like wow! what if i killed you. for saying that to my face#and she talks abt how shes been w the company 20 years ok and that doesnt give you an excuse to treat me like a child. jesus#anyway im very pissed off and not enjoying my work situation lol. i dont wanna do this anymore#but looking at other jobs im so unemployable. sigh
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how do I ask someone to be a professional reference for me like hiii remember when i used to work for you at College well I am not even using that degree and i would like to get a job scraping dirt off of tbe ground. because that is fulfilling to me 👍. Can you Help Me
#this one job is close and it pays decently (quite a few bucks over minimum wage which hey that's good to me)#and it's flexible shifts but also it's a car wash and they want two references and it's like wellll maybe I don't want to ask for those#Also it's a car wash so like. Do you Really even need references I mean really. What am I gonna do spray the water away from the car#I fucking hate job searching Jesus Christ I hate this#Can someone just. Offer me money already so I don't have to do this anymore#i post
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lying here on the verge of tears because i woke up two hours before my alarm and i don't want to go into work today
#i hate this fucking job i don't want to do this anymore but i have to#notes#i wish i could just sleep i'm so tired but my brain is making me miserable#yesterday i got so stressed out on my shift i felt like i was either going to throw up or pass out#it was too fucking busy i can't take this anymore#and yet. i'm still getting up in an hour
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#vent post essay ahead lol#having complexes about talking about your emotions is literally the fucking devil . its miserable. it sucks so bad.#the aamount of damage that is caused to someone by like#i mean im talking abou t me here obviously.#being the person whose like. overall ultimately tends not to feel horrible as often is like.#it's nice not feeling bad emotionally all the time but also it's like. i develop this complex about being like able to help.#i don't feel bad anywhere near as often as my friends so i can help them out and listen to them vent i can have the mental room to#like listen to them talk about their problems. yeah. but it makes me feel like. well this is my job now so i shouldn't fucking talk about m#i shouldnt vent when i feel bad because that's not what i'm known for. plus my friends already all feel worse than me more often than me. s#i don't want to dump any more on their plate than they have to deal with. i don't want to burden them anymore than i have to. and like it's#it's hard. i hate fucking talking about it and it's made so much worse when its like people i love . always been a fucking problem becaus#i just feel fucking horrible admitting that i feel bad i hate that so much. i don't want to like turn away people who care about me but li#i feel like if i tell them what's wrong with me i'll like do it anyways. i feel like i come off as super normal and happy go lucky and like#ostensibly fine. so when i admit this shit its like. oops the facade is cracking!!!!!! uh oh uh oh you can't help people so you feel bad!!!#because your fucking npd has made you feel self centered in a way that means you want to help people or some shit i dont fucking know#and so when i feel bad or get mad over something unreasonable it's like. well i hope i fucking keel over and die or something i dont like .#i don't want people seeing me like this or whatever. and my stupid fucking personality disorder just ruins every god damn thing its so bad.#my past experiences giving me complexes that lead to me feeling fucking left out over like small stupid stuff but god the worst part is lik#my brain categorizing something as being ''My Thing'' so somebody else talks about liking my thing AFTER my brain has designated it mine#makes alarm bells go off and feel like theyre fucking. i don't know encroaaching on my turf or what the fuck ever? it SUCKS ASS#it makes me feel HORRIBLE . and it's like i'm not gonna fucking bring it up because i don't wnt to be like a dick but also it's like well.#i feel fucking miserable about this but it's just like mean and unnecessary and cruel to like stifle people's fucking fun because of my dum#fuckin complexes. it's fucking constant. like oh look at you girl you feel fucking left out because you never get characters who really gri#you mentally and so now you have one but oops! someone else talked about them and now you're seeing red! you like this person though#so you're gonna feel fucking MISERABLE about this . you're gonna feel HORRIBLE because of this. and there's nothing you can fucking do#and it controls my goddamn life and i HATE IT i fucking HATE IT i wish i knew how to fix it. ghghrgurghrughruhg i want to fucking explode#and then you feel bad about feeling bad because you are fucking sisyphus. you're sisyphus. and your own anger is your boulder. you ingrate.#i hate this. i just wanted to have a good day.#jane mary cry one tear
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I should finish my masters. I know it would be better. A bachelor is virtually worthless here. But god it's tempting to just quit :(
#i can't do this anymore#i really just#can't do it#i mean i can#but i don't want to#i really really really don't want to#but alas#i have to finish#my future job opportunities are non existent otherwise#void screams#but what if i quit.... 👀#it would be so freeing#but I'd probably hate myself forever#because who the fuck can't just finish a stupid masters degree#it's like#So easy#i just really hate it#I'll cry some more about it and then get back to pulling all nighters so i can finish that damn degree
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vent tw .
#( i cant do it anymore . i cant . i dont wanna be in this house anymore . nothing is ever enough . everything is always my fault somehow.#nothing is ever enough i can never do enough & i dont care about anyone but my ' not even real online friends ' & my bf . )#( i work my ass off ; i make as much as i can & i do-- my bf is TRYING to find another job we help around the house CONSTANTLY#but we don't care . she literally said she's ready to throw us out or leave herself . i dont have anywhere to go or i would be GONE . )#( im so unhappy i just wanna disappear i fucking hate it here . & now she gets to be fine & everyones#supposed to just go back to acting as tho she didnt call us all liars & uncaring assholes & didnt fucking lose her shit on the whole house )#( ALL STARTED OVER SOME STUPID ICE CREAM SANDWICH THING . )#( i just wanna be gone . )#( i just want it to all stop . )#˚₊·—̳͟͞♡ i. 𐙚 ooc. ᝰ .ᐟ . . . abi speaks ౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ .#vent tw.
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If I take a second to breathe and think and 3 seconds into it someone calls me over the radio to come clean something they could do themselves again I'm going to actually scream
#like god I knkw I'm the only usher here rn cuz im the opening usher on saturdays but FUCK#give me a second tk fucking BREATHE#I HATE when I'm doing something and one of the managers calls and is like actually can you stop what you're doing even though what you're-#-doing is more important and come sweep up this like 3 cernal popcorn spill literally right next to us that we could get ourselves but won'#I hate this job so much I want to quit so bad#somebody else hire me right now so I can leave this shithole#and also have a real job that pays mlre than 10 bucks and hour so I can actually pretend to be a semi functional adult#I can't even pretend right now#I've been stuck in limbo for the last 2 years at least and I really don't know how I'll ever get out#I probably won't let's be honest because I wasn’t born into a world where that's possible anymore#and my mental health has only been slowly but surely deteriorating for even longer than that but it's really crashed and burned lately#but i'm trying#and I honestly don't want to try anymore#I'm so tired
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Every single time I defend someone shitty who has done nothing but be a cunt to me because they did 1 (ONE ) decent thing THEY ALWAYS TURN AROUND AND DO SOMETHING SO MUCH WORSE TO ME
#every single time i praise aomeone for turning a new leaf they fuck me over#my life is continuing getting worse and worse and worse and worse and i really don't know how much longer i want to deal with this shit#if things do not change soon I'm quitting I'll run away and i will never come back#i praise y sister for growing up she steals and then lies about it and i print with out a shadow of a doubt she did it wont admit it#coworker who bums job off onto me dose. one piece of work then fucked off and dowe nothing else all day then spreads rumors i lied about my#moms cancer#like i can pull up her obituary bitch#dad dose 1 nice thing then like let's me go to bed instead of doing all the dishes that accumulate while i was at work#then need day turns me back into a slave#is goin to marry his yandere bitch gf my mother has not been dead a year yet good for him#I'm done#i hate being alive i can't daydream about anything anymore except death#i used to be able to daydream ocs n stories that stopped years ago then it was day dreaming about a better life with my wife#that's hard to believe it'll ever happen in just trapped and my dad constantly discourages me getting independent or doin anything for mysel#no don't get a full time job don't move out you cam never do it no don't try to learn sewing again doing try dnd again doing make new friend#don't do anything to make like nice#I'm allowed Wednesday nights after the kids go to church and that's it and if it clashes with family aucks to be me#and i don't get to make. it up the next day like dad#i cant stand my life i hate it so much#i hate my family minus my four youngest siblings#i hate my job i hate waking up i hate feeling exhausted all the time#being alive is disappointment and work I'm tired of it#I'm tired#i dont want to do this anymore#i need something to change but I'm trapped nothing will change unless i do it#and i hate that I'll probably have to leave ao much behind
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do i really want to make individual drinks again
#reaching back into the file cabinets of my mind to remember how i made certain drinks when i worked at the cafe#in preparation for the possibility of this new job#it would certainly mean far less goofing off time than i have at my current job. and i value my goofing off time dearly#but the people here are so fucking annoying lmao. i hate them soooo much#not that the people at this new job would be any better. we're still dealing with investment bankers#godddddd. what i really would want (which would be impossible)#would be to go back to working at the cafe but like. still have paid time off and insurance lmao#but the cafe was a small business and he was not offering paid time off and insurance. and the pay was way less#but i did get to play whatever music i wanted. unfortunately you cant live on that#like i can always say no to this new job if its offered to me. but is my goofing off time worth:#2 dollars less in pay and a half hour to an hour's more commute. well i dont know#a shorter commute would mean i could sleep more. and have more time at home .#i mean i probably don't Need all this goofing off time. but its nice#i dont knowwwwwww#like even though im a bit nervous abt doing it again i know that i would easily fall back into the routine of making drinks#which i was fairly good at. my one drawback is that i cant do latte art but i dont know that theyd really care here#and (because i found the menu of where id work) theres not a ton of drink options?? just the standard stuff#its being called a starbucks cafe but 1) its not managed by them and 2) it does not have their 5 billion drink options#so thats good. less to worry about#doesnt look like i even have to make anything foodwise which i had to at the cafe#here it looks like people can just buy a pastry and thats it#the hours are like. the same i work now. also good#sorry im like using this post to think through my thoughts.#uhhhh oh i looked up the manager who looks like a weenie so im not keen on the prospect of interviewing with him#but i probably would have thought that about my current manager if id seen a pic of him prior to interviewing. i guess???#and with these kind of catering units it seems you dont often deal directly with the manager that much anyway#i just gotta see if i get good vibes#rn i have unsure vibes. but i need a sign to see if this could be good for me#oh id also save money on transportation. and taxes! bc i wouldnt be working in ny anymore#lol oops tag limit. well i hope you enjoyed my job thoughts you probably didnt i know i didnt
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Ughhhhhhh someone give me motivation to update my resume today
#I hate looking at it#No matter what I do the graphic design/layout sucks and I end up avoiding it as much as possible :(#But I found a job I rlly want to apply for so. To the editing mines I go#WAIT FUCK I don't have my school microsoft office subscription anymore. This could get awkward#Welp. Libreoffice save me
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not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again
#feeling more and more like a robot and less and less like a person the emptier my life gets#the future is so empty like its just work and isolation forever#i have one thing left at the end of this week and then after that its just work and family and alone#and i think numbing out completely is really the only way ill be able to cope at all#i didnt used to really be able to do that but maybe now im to the point where i just have to so its become an option#idk i also might just be lying to myself and be about to get hit really hard with how bad this all is tomorrow#job interview friday. but plausibly i dont think i can take the job even if i get it bc i just dont think i can move to nyc#i just feel like ive hit a dead end#like i was a side character in someone elses story and that person has moved on so im just like floating in stasis#bc my part of the story is over i wrote myself out of their lives so i don't really exist anymore#idk my brain is telling me all these things that i know are silly but feel so true and i just am tired and empty#sorry to be dramatic and complain again just dreading work so bad#i just dont see any path forward thats not this forever loop like i cant make or have real connections with other ppl#and thats whats supposed to make a life real and worth living#but ive never had the capacity to connect right and ive never had passion for anything and ive never been able to really love and be loved#and i dont know how to fix any of it bc honestly i dont think any of its fixable#ill always be an emotionally harmful drain on anyone i think i love and ill always be left when they realize that#and then ive just hurt another person and i dont want to be a person that just hurts people so i cant be around people anymore#but its so empty and its so lonely and i hate myself so fucking much#anyway. i sound like a pathetic whiny teenager lmao sorry i know how stupid it all is i promise
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anybody else’s work kinda reading as a crisis of faith in academic inquiry as it currently stands?
#this is unusually defensive yes well that's because none of my work is respected in this department#and i have no idea what does and does not need to be defended because literary studies is so torn on what is work worth doing#and i am trying to restructure the theoretical architecture of this project but the way that is being suggested is so out of line with#what is actually TRUE of the project that I just dont know how to structure anything#what does the argument for canonicity add?#i dont fucking know but nobody will ever fucking listen to my work about non-canon writers so i feel like I have to make the case#GOD#I don't even WANT to do this shit anymore!!!!#I HATE academia and I hate how it is made me feel so unrooted from myself#and I hate the toxicity of my department in particular#and the whole POINT of doing this is to theoretically get a teaching job#because teaching is the part of all this bullshit that I LIKE#but there arent even any fucking jobs so what is the point!!!!#fucking sunk cost fallacy dragging me through the rest of the stupid phd#anyway three weeks to proposal defense <3
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aaaaaand now I can't sleep bc of anxiety about my future and whether or not I'll even graduate next month 🙃
#Words#Personal#My grade in my bio class went way the fuck down after the test we took recently#I'm definitely gonna talk to my professor and advisor about it and see what kind of help I can get#Because I REAAAALLLLLYYYYY want to fucking leave#And it's scaring the shit out of me that it might not even happen anymore#Because I quit my job to focus more on school#But I did it like the week before the test so it was shitty timing#I keep getting emails from the school about graduation and I can't even get excited for it#I don't wanna walk if I'm not even finished with my degree#Like what the fuck is the point in that#Especially after being in college as long as I have#But yeah the anxiety hit me just now and now I'm sad as fuck lol#Godddd this sucks so much like college has truly been the worst era of my life#Tbh my entire 20s have been pretty shitty#I always get super annoyed when people say you're in your prime in your 20s LIKE BITCH IM FUCKING SUFFERING SHUT UP#why do people act like adolescence and early 20s is the only worthwhile part of your life#I'm honestly aching to see what life is like post college and I hate how this class and my former job have gotten in the way of that#And it sucks because I don't know anyone else who's dealing with the same situation so I feel very alone in this#Idk man everything is just shitty right now and I just wanna move on with my life#It seems like everyone in my life is under the impression that I'm just lazy bc it's taken me forever to get through college#But in reality I've dealt with so much bullshit in the past few years#Such as being in a whole cult that revolved around toxic positivity#dragging myself through a major I hated bc I had no idea what else to do with my life#And also losing a bunch of people I was once close with#It's hard to put into words how much all of that fucked me up#But a lot of that stuff has been going on since before college#But the worst of it definitely happened during college so that's also why I wanna move on#Because I associate my time at school with all of that shit#Damn I'm VENTING in these tags lmao
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this 🤏🏼 close to giving up on my chosen field and just never going to college because what's the fucking point. guess i'm just gonna work in fucking retail or something for the rest of my life
#len speaks#dont mind me being a maudlin bitch i just looked up some jobs i was dreaming about & realized ill have 2 get a masters which i can't afford#i fucking hate my life rn. legit gonna probably switch fields despite the fact that i had my heart set on history#i don't know what i'm gonna do with my miserable fucking life#i just don't wanna think about this anymore. i don't want to focus on it so i'm probably gonna just fucking idk go write or smthn
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