#i hate being deadnamed

[alternatememory]

Heavy vent post below on how I've been feeling about myself as of lately.

TW: Swearing, gender dysphoria

I've been feeling really bad about myself lately, and that's because I've been too scared to come out to people in real life. I'm only out to a few people in real life, and out of those few people, only one is supportive of me, being one of my only friends (if not my only friend) in real life, and she's asexual. The other people I came out to last October, those being my family, didn't like that I wanted to be a girl, because they didn't want me to "end up taking the wrong path in life and end up regretting it". They wanted me to stay out of LGBTQ+ Discord servers as well, which I'm not going to do, because I know who I want to be, and I know who I want to be friends with. They also wanted me to be friends with other neurodivergent people my age (for context I have autism and ADHD, in case you couldn't tell from my bio), and even though I certainly do appreciate that they're helping me make friends, I don't mind being friends with people, regardless of whether they're part of the LGBTQ+ community or not.

I also told them that I was shaving my legs, but they countered by saying that's something kids with autism like to do. They also said I didn't show any signs of wanting to be a girl when I was growing up, as I was just playing with boys' toys and playing video games targeted towards male audiences, which is basically stereotyping if you think about it.

When I came out to my parents, they said that they should take me to see a psychologist, and they said I was better off being a boy. The following week, my dad noticed I was wearing eyeshadow one morning, and he started lecturing me about why I can't be a girl. He said that this was a bad influence on me and it was a very upsetting topic for my mother, and when I asked him if I had to be cisgender, he said yes. Well, I obviously wasn't happy about that, and when he said I should give the eyeshadow palette I got from my friend at school the week before back to her (it was never used before she gave it to me, don't worry), I said no. FUCK NO. I wasn't going to detransition just to make my parents happy.

One morning when I was helping my brothers clean up our bedroom, my younger brother found my eyeliner pencil on the window sill, and when I told him it was mine, he said "I KNOW YOU'RE TRANS BUT I DON'T CARE", which really hurts thinking about it now. This was the tragic reality I was living in. Living in a transphobic household with an unaccepting family. It hurt me more than I can express in words. Not to mention he and his friends were deadnaming me in a now-deleted Discord server where I told them I went by Adriana, so yeah. I'm still close to my brother, but I don't know what to say.

Since then, I've been too scared to express myself. I haven't told them I'm also genderfluid and non-binary, and I know they won't approve of that. I'm too scared to apply makeup, I'm too scared to crossdress, and I'm too scared to tell others I'm a transgender, genderfluid, non-binary and omnisexual girl who goes by Adriana. As a result, I've become genderfrozen. If you don't know what that means, it's when a genderfluid person becomes stuck in one gender for an extended period of time. Being around my unaccepting family, and not having the courage to come out to others, has left me genderfrozen as a boy.

A cisgender, heterosexual boy.

That is not who I want to be. I don't want to be a boy. I absolutely fucking despise being male. I hate my deadname. I hate how I look as a boy. I hate having a fuckload of body hair and facial hair. I hate that my hair becomes all greasy, oily and yucky again two days after I wash it. I fucking hate everything about being a boy. Nothing about being a boy feels right to me.

I haven't come out to my teachers at school, and I haven't come out to my other family members either. In fact, I'm way too scared to come out to anyone else other than my friend, as she's the only one in real life who really supports me. I'm so shy and timid that I've become such a nervous wreck and I don't know how I'm going to come out to others. I've had to stand there and suffer in silence while people deadname me, unaware that I'm a girl stuck in a guy's body, all because I'm so afraid to come out. I'm so scared to come out at school because I know I'll get bullied. Every time I'm deadnamed, it makes my skin crawl with cringe. It lowkey feels worse than being misgendered, and that's saying something.

My gender dysphoria is getting worse and worse as time goes on, as I start to resent my body and how I look more and more. I feel like a husk. I feel as if I'm a hollow shell. I feel like I'm being held at gunpoint. I feel as if I'm standing on the edge of a building.

Life is hell for me right now. School is unforgiving, especially for someone like me who has autism and ADHD. Having to keep this secret all to myself, just because I'm too much of a pussy to tell others, is hurting me exponentially more and more every single day. I genuinely want to cry everyday, but I just can't get the tears to flow down my face, no matter how hard I try. It just breaks my heart.

Hopefully I can pluck up enough courage to come out to others, and find others in real life who support me as a member of the LGBTQ+ community. Life may be shit right now, but it won't be that way in the future. It may take time, but I will get there. I won't give up.

So anyway, that's it. I had lots of shit I needed to get off my chest, and I think that's all I have to say. I love all of you who support me, and I know this isn't the end. ❤️

TL;DR: I've been extremely scared to come out to others, and I'm tired of pretending to be a cishet boy. Life is currently a living nightmare for me, but I know it'll get better in the future.

[sharky-the-idiot]

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

[eyewyrm]

noel and identity loss...

trying to articulate why it feels wrong to call him charlie, because thats still him but at the same time not.

he's changed and things cant go back to the way they were, noel took up a new name one to remember but also to move on

i don't think noel is a fake name to him more so just a new identity he's taken up as an extension of himself. or at least someone he's rebuilt himself as after the dreamlands. i don't think he's discarded charlie as an identity but that he just has two names that are both very real to him, however just one of them is more in the forefront than the other so he'd be unused to his old name being used.

but i also think that he'd feel extremely disconnected to his old life and name that it would be uncomfortable and feel wrong for him, might feel that his past is catching up to him or maybe he'd be afraid that if he stops using noels name he'd be abandoning him in some way

or just using the name as an escape from the king in yellow who likely would've called him by his original name

i recognise this is like probably nothing at all but it is rotating in my brain and i need to get it out, i love saying shit and being completely incoherent

[my-mom-named-me-duck]

hey does anyone know of any good semi large pride patches so I can fix the deadname blanket I got as an early Christmas gift?

[nintendont2502]

spending more than a few days around your family and no one else truly does cause a certain type of madness. and baby they call me the joker

[owlbelly]

seeing folks scramble to get their paperwork in order for things like name changes & while i've been on/off considering it for years, i just...idk. i probably won't, especially in the next couple of months

i knew i absolutely did not want an X gender marker - completely understand that for some folks it was affirming, but to me that always seemed like a recipe for targeted harassment & i am now hearing that many folks who went for it are attempting to remove it before the approaching US regime change

i feel sort of similarly about doing a legal name change while not changing my gender marker. do i want goverment/medical/etc. employees to keep deadnaming me? no. do i want the government to have an easy way to know i'm trans? also no. i mean i doubt it's as much of an issue - people get their names changed for all kinds of reasons, people have all kinds of names, i am probably more at risk just looking very visibly GNC than having a legal name that doesn't "match up" to my birth assignment, but ugh. i will keep putting it off mostly for the reason that it just seems like a bureaucratic nightmare

[picaroposting]

look okay it's bad to erase marvin's canonical sexuality and the fact that She Likes Men but i literally genuinely with all my heart think that she is a trans woman

[yourtransfemboy]

I actually feel like ima cry, my bf keeps wanting us to have s3x, but i really dont want to. It makes me wanna throw up thinking about it, and he just thinks im being overdramtic.

[anchovy]

Nothing pisses me off more than a repost account that has “dm for credit/removal” as their bio like are you seriously that lazy and brain dead

[lights-at-night]

.

[i-wanna-b-free]

used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.... now you're all gone, got your makeup on, and you're not coming back. can't you come back?

[fantastic-mr-corvid]

Interacting with receptionists has taught me that I do in fact not like being called me legal/dead name. At least over the phone it was just two minutes but yesterday when someone is introduced as a name and then says they might be under another. Maybe don't repeatedly use that other name when talking with them? Idk are you meant to just use legal names as a receptionist? Either way. Nope I actually don't like that.

[something-familiar-lost]

Writing a trans character before he figures that out about herself is kinda awckward I guess. Especially since like, being trans is something he figures out towards the end of the story, so for most of the story she'd be technically deadnamed and aghhh. Well its more like, he is genderqueer & uses both she/he pronouns & feminine, masculine & neutral terms, but he is AFAB and so, for most of the story he is reffered to as such, with only really feminine terms and her name that's mostly used for girls. And being genderqueer is something he figures out later in life, although she's always had a hunch but didn't quite know.

[knifesxedge]

so i can find this again. finally bit the bullet and changed my kjs city names to differentiate them from my ocs so:

party — ash london coleman (ooo lady fagita)

kobra — james “jamie” eric coleman

jet — danielle “dani” camila reyes-yoon

ghoul — edward “eddie” maxwell mochizuki ii

[sureuncertainty]

if i have to see one more post about disney from people who don't work here or at least live in the area i'm gonna lose it

[jackalhadrurusluvr]

the pros of going to my grandmothers funeral/celebration of life tomorrow: closure or whatever. i dont really know ive only been to two funerals in my whole life and i dont fully get what im suppsed to feel and do there

the cons: i dont talk to literally anyone on my moms side of the family. i could follow my brother around but he's gonna be mostly around my mom, who i do not talk to for a thousand reasons. and my ex-neighbors who are very openly transphobic to me will be around her. and no one on her side of the family really Gets that im trans either so like it just all sucks. i will surely get emotional because y'know, and that means that i will be emotional in front of my mom, which is bad for me. all my cousins are weird around me because we were close as kids but now no one knows how to approach me because ive only gotten more awkward and more unable to verbally speak