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charminglatina · 4 years ago

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I’m done with Riverdale.

I gave Riverdale and the writers of this show so many chances to fix their shit. I gave them so many chances to write better storylines, to stop with the repetitive shit, to stop writing the same boring couples every single season, to stop with the character assassination, to stop with the fan service, to try different relationships and refreshing dynamics, to stop destroying characters/couples for the sake of other characters/couples, etc. And the show just continues to let me down over and over and over again. Last night’s episode was the worst episode in Riverdale history. Relationships were destroyed left and right, characters were assassinated and written out of character. Archie was completely OOC in last night’s episode. He was a complete fucking asshole and prick. Archie in no way looked like the hero and protagonist of Riverdale. He didn’t live up to the values, ideals and standards that he claims to have. Instead, he came off as an unsympathetic, emotionless, disgusting, cheating, fickle piece of garbage douchebag. Archie Andrews is no fucking hero and the writers completely destroyed his character within 45 minutes and a single episode. He is irredeemable from my point of view and his character is beyond repair at this point. There is nothing that can fix that mess of a character. His treatment of women in general is disgusting and misogynistic. The way he treated Betty in 5x08 was absolutely abhorrent, degrading and despicable. He acted like he had zero emotions or feelings for her and that he just used her for sex. He then dumps her and runs back to the same toxic relationship with Veronica. Even after seven years, Archie hasn’t changed or grown at all.He’s still the same stupid and immature punk that he was in high school. FUCK ARCHIE ANDREWS. He’s THE WORST main character, lead, and protagonist I’ve ever seen on any show. Not even Elena Gilbert from TVD or Lucas Scott from OTH is as horrible or badly written as he is. Archie is much more of a villain than a hero. There’s nothing that the writers can do to make Archie a good character again. His character is beyond reproach and they should be ashamed to have a piece of shit like Archie leading their show. Veronica is acting like a thirsty, desperate, trampy whore throwing herself at another man while she’s still married and the ink hasn’t even dried on her divorce papers. She has revealed herself to be an extremely controlling, domineering, conniving, money hungry and manipulative bitch. She is so fucking detestable and unlikeable. I can’t root for her character. I actually HATE Veronica now and I never thought I would say that. The writers completely butchered her character just as badly as Archie’s. It’s evident that after five seasons, the writers don’t know what the fuck to do with her character but have her be Hiram’s chew toy or having her constantly chasing after Archie like some pathetic desperate hussy. She’s become the worst character on the show and she has had zero character development. All of her storylines are the same: they either revolve around her father or around men in general. Veronica is a shallow character that lacks complexity and depth. She is nothing more than Hiram Lodge with lipstick and a skirt/dress. As someone who is Latina, Veronica is a horrible representation of Latina and hispanic women in media. Veronica Lodge is an absolute embarrassment to the Hispanic and Latinx community and I’m ashamed of her character at this point. She doesn’t represent me and I don’t want her kind of character to represent my community. RAS and the writers clearly hate Camila Mendes. I can’t say that Camila’s acting is helping matters either. Betty is an emotionally unstable, whiny, pathetic doormat for Archie and a complete fucking emotional mess. She was nothing but a sex toy/booty call for Archie so that he could get his rocks off. As soon as the sex wore off, Archie and no problem with dumping her and throwing her away ;ike a dirty tissue. And Betty didn’t fight for herself. She didn’t fight for her feelings. She didn’t stand up to Archie for disrespecting her like that and using her. Archie used her for pleasure and than acted as if she were nothing to him. And Betty just fucking took it?? Why doesn't Betty just stand up for herself for once? Why doesn’t she stop being such a doormat for him and letting Archie stomp on her feelings all the time? Does she have no self respect? The one thing that makes Betty’s character somewhat salvageble is the fact that Lili Reinhart is an amazing fucking actress and for that, you can’t help but feel sympathy for her even if she’s being written as a pathetic doormat and Archie’s sex toy. Chad is a narcissistic, abusive POS who is Hiram 2.0. What was the purpose of his character on the show? Just to cause some tension between Varchie? What a waste of an actor and character. Jughead is a pathetic drunk and a lazy bum with no purpose. His sole reason for existing is to get drunk every episode, get abducted by aliens and be saved by girls. The writers are ruining my fave character on the show. Kevin is a cheating piece of shit. He has no clue what monogamy is or what a real relationship stands for and means. He’s nothing more than a walking and talking negative gay stereotype. Reggie was completely destroyed this season. They had him turn on his friends and side with Hiram, the town bully. Reggie is a complete douche and any character development he had in the earlier seasons has vanished. The writers butchered his character horribly and it’s a shame because Charles Melton is a decent dude and actor who deserves a better storyline and material. Cheryl is a sociopath with no remorse for her horrible behaviour and she treats Toni like garbage. I don’t know how Toni can stand being with her or around her. She doesn’t give a shit who she hurts in the process as long as she is creating chaos for her own amusement. Cheryl is a horrible person and the fact that she has had no development for hasn’t changed makes things worse. Also, it’s evident that Madeleine Petsch (along with the rest of the cast, LBR), is completely phoning it in all season. Her acting is terrible and cringeworthy. At this point, Cheryl is so awful and toxic that I don't think I want her to be with Toni or for Choni to reunite in the future. Toni deserves better than this red haired creature. Toni is, once again and as usual, being sidelined. I expected this to happen sooner than later. I figured that Toni would be relegated to a support character once more or to go back to being Cheryl’s punching bag. Though Toni being sidelined isn’t really her fault or the writers fault because Vanessa is on maternity leave. As if the characters haven't been destroyed, the relationships have been slaughtered and decimated left and right. Choni is toxic as fuck. Barchie was made out to be nothing of substance but sex (plus the way they got together is sickening including the cheating and the FWB plot line which amounted to nothing in the end). Bughead is an awkward repetitive and annoying bore with no chemistry. Varchie is the worst couple on the show, toxic as hell with no chemistry and takes up too much screen time. Kangs was destroyed for absolutely no reason. The only couple that has potential to be something great and substantial is Jabitha but considering the writers track record, I expect them to ruin them for Bughead. It’s only a matter of time. Tick tock. ⏰ To top it all off, the storylines are absolutely fucking ridiculous this season. Archie with his stupid overblown hero complex trying to save Riverdale? BORING. Hiram being the same boring villain AGAIN and trying to take down the same group of teenagers he was harassing seven years ago? REPETITIVE. The Mothman/Aliens storyline? We’re dealing with fucking ALIENS??? Aliens of all things? What the actual fuck are the writers smoking?! Then there’s the whole Polly storyline which is boring and repetitive.. Try something different for fucks sake. I’m not gonna get into the whole TBK nonsense which also reeks of repetitive storytelling. There's way too many plot lines and storylines being told and it’s a jumbled, incoherent mess. There’s only so much nonsense that you can take before you finally snap and say enough is enough. I’m at that point. For me to cut something or someone out of my life for good, it’s got to be something or someone really horrible. Riverdale is one of those things. Riverdale has made my viewing and fandom experience absolutely fucking miserable. It’s caused me significant upset and emotional distress because of how attached I was to these characters and relationships. Now it seems like it was all a waste. What was the point? Why did I stick around to watch the characters and the relationships on this show get butchered? The writers don’t know what the fuck they are doing. They continue to be stuck in the same rut and a time jump hasn’t fixed that. I’M DONE. There’s no more chances. The show is dead to me as are the Riverdale cast and the writers. The show should just end this season. Season 6 should either be cancelled or shortened to 10 episodes. Stop wasting the audience’s time with this garbage.

#barchie #anti bughead #anti varchie #jeronica #choni #kangs #jabitha #betty cooper #archie andrews #veronica lodge #jughead jones #cheryl blossom #toni topaz #riverdale #anti riverdale

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m143ui · 4 years ago

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A MESSAGE TO THE PJO FANDOM

so hello friends on the other side

I understand some of the major concerns regarding characters like piper and the feather and hazels description but when you bring Leo and Reyna into the fucking conversation I have lost all respect.

ANYONE CAN BE ABUSED, ETHNICITY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT

LATINO CHARACTERS

Reyna is not a negative stereotype, she isn't defined by being latina and neither is Leo, he isn't a stereotype simply because he’s latino and was abused. also him being called an elf was because he was short, which had nothing to do with him being latino. also the mamacita comment like y'all hide under the label “progressive” but ignore that mamacita has been a thing in Latin American communities for a fucking while. its not an insult dammit. its something that happens in our communities!!! its like saying muchacho y'all don't see men bitching about that.

also shocker I read the mamacita comment and I can proudly say I didn't go

“RICK YOU RACIST BITCH”

things that actually happen in communities aren't racist

and before any of y'all come at me with the usual you’re white excuse, hello friends im Peruvian and Paraguayan.

I don't think he’s perfect but bitching about characters like Leo which gave many of my Latin American friends hope for similar characters destroys your “listening to minorities” argument

also the lol “hes Mexican taco bad” argument like I live in Mexico we eat tacos like every fucking day. its literally a fact. and Leo isn't just defined as taco man.

believe it or not us latinos respect rick because he gave us role models and characters like us. we don't define a character by one line and instantly call discrimination. like yes a asian character can be snobby it has nothing to do with ethnicity. y'all are making this about ethnicity. an asian character can be anything, just like a white character or a black character or a gay character. people are not simply defined by their labels like ya’ll think. y'all are just a bunch of easily triggered snowflakes that can't live with that. they can be influenced but in the end labels are labels we are all human and should be treated as such.

LGBT REPRESENTATION

another thing Reyna was never officially a lesbian that was YOUR interpretation not riordans. IF HE DIDNT STATE IT , SORRY HONEY IT ISN’T CANON! I don't care about how she was “lesbian coded” if he didn't state it it isn't canon.

I am so sick, as a lesbian, to see people use ALL QUEER DEATHS as a bury your gay tropes, what happened to seeing us as humans? why can't we be treated like any other character? if we die we die, it isn't always “haha gay evil boom death”. sometimes fully fledged characters have to die friends.

Nico isn't a bad gay character, he’s just a normal character who happens to be gay and has suffered major trauma. HIS TRAUMA WAS CAUSED BY HIS UPBRINGING, Nico isn't a 2000′s character, he’s from the 30′s, so obviously he woudn’t be perfect with his sexuality for gods sake it was the 30′s. the exact same thing happens with hazel, she isn't a modern black woman, she's a 30′s black woman. Nico’s coming out isn't him as a 21st century teen its from the time when the GOVERNMENT KILLED YOU FOR BEING GAY

also saying there are no lesbian characters? like wow look emmie and jo don't exist. Lavinia doesn't exist. poison doesn't exist. thanks fam you really make yourselves look smart here. simply because rick never said the word gay doesn't mean the gay characters don't exist friends. they are just labeled as what gay characters should be labeled as.... human.

LESBOPHOBIA & RACISM

im not educated in muslim or black culture so I won't mention characters like sam and hazel and piper because I respect and I am highly critical of what rick put in his books to describe these specific minorities.

HOWEVER saying rick is a lesbophobe, a homophobe, a racist a sexist cis guy is like do y’all wanna be taken seriously? use arguments don't hide behind words.

rick isn't a perfect writer but y'all really don't know how to criticise, y'all just hide behind big boy words and back it up with no evidence, just opinions.

rick doesn’t have the best minority rep out there but he is damn well trying and I respect that unlike all you fucking idiots.

SHIPS

now onto ships.... yay

frazel: im not gonna censor it like you pussies, believe it or not 13&16 year old relationships exist. they might not always be healthy but they exist. to deny this is to be stupid

solangelo: another ship that is censored..the main argument I've seen is that it isn't developed and will isn't even a character... he was in last olympian and lost hero not my fault y'all have fish brains. I don't care if you dislike it but don't be like “ANYONE WHO SHIPS THIS IS AN ABUSIVE WHORE” like wow you always preach about accepting all ships and then throw this? also if you hate solangelo because of the “abuse” but ship percico like hi friends Nico is 4 years younger than Percy.. if y'all hate frazel because of the 3 year age difference y'all should hate this too.

CONCLUSIONS AND SHIT

not every character minority or otherwise is gonna be the way you want them to be, believe it or not any character can be anything, black characters can be loud, white characters can be loud. if they're only loud because “haha black” then THATS an issue not the simple existence of a loud black woman who has a loud personality.

y'all be here bitching about drew and I've never heard the asian perspective of this? just a bunch of black and white people telling asians they should be offended. was that just an uno reverse?

also last point stereotypes aren't always a negative thing and y'all need to get that in your heads.

anyway stay mad hoes <3

from a sane Peruvian <3

EDIT

I saw this beauty and had to comment on it

“having LGBT characters experience abuse and violence. nicos forceful outing rubs me the wrong way, especially because hes called a coward for being in the closet. its violent and kind of disturbing to make your gay character come out of the closet by force. maybe write better. additionally, alex's abusive father and subsequent homelessness because of her being trans is badly written.”

oh noooo gay characters can't deal with homophobia anymore ! like I can tell you have never been punched for being gay. is it bad to showcase how trans and gay ppl are 40% of homeless youth? or is even mentioning that discrimination? believe it or not some of us live in countries where people try to kill us. you have an advantage and it shows. about the coward thing...

was FUCKING CUPID A GOOD CHARACTER? NO? I REST MY CASE. CUPID IS NOT SEEN AS A GOOD PERSON THEREFORE HE IS NOT A GOOD PERSON GET THAT IN YOUR THICK SKULLS.

YOU HEARD IT HERE FOLKS LGBT FOLKS DONT GET FORCED OUT OF THE CLOSET

#NEVER HAPPENS IN REALITY.

JUST BECAUSE YOU WERENT FORCED OUT OF THE CLOSET DOESNT MEAN OTHER PEOPLE HAVE THAT SAME LUXURY.

maybe stop spewing bullshit <3

(so I get that this scene can remind people of being outed and it can hurt them however this scene was never intended to be a good thing it literally says Nico is scared of facing his emotions)

EDIT NUMBER 2

oh boy rick really pissed off the snowflakes that I share a fandom with

“give Nico to the gays” no? he would be a femboy and they would yeet his trauma like ssrsly?

also hate rick? bitch no one is forcing you to read his tweets.

death of the author is such a toxic thing like the mans is alive boo he aint going nowhere..like What the fuck

EDIT NUMBER 3

anyway final thoughts on this :

nico insn’t Uwu gay and its an insult to his character

Reyna is not a lesbian canonically (neither is Thalia)

Leo and Reyna are not racist

none of ricks characters are written as insults to their communities

and if I see one more “but ....phobia/ ...ism I will do very illegal things

peace lol

RICK RIORDAN UPDATE:

congratulations rick antis! you have successfully harassed a 56 year old man into leaving social media! wow so progressive!!!! this totally won't backfire or anything!!!

all jokes aside all of you who harassed rick to the point of someone else taking over his social media should feel ashamed

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shihozaki · 3 years ago

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hello!may I request a bnha matchup ?

my pronouns are she/her and my gender preference is male.my mbti type is istj-t and enneagram is type 6.my hogwarts house is slytherin.my sun is in cancer,moon in taurus,rising in Sagittarius

appearance:I’m 5’3,shoulder length black wavy hair,tan skin.I’m latina,dark brown eyes,and I wear glasses

personality:I tend to be shy when I meet new people but I open up after a while.I come off as “cold”sometimes because I have a resting bitch face.I’m a pretty quiet,reserved,an nd straightforward person.I’ve been described as laidback,blunt,funny,and an easy person to get along with.I’m basically the therapist in my friend group lmaoo

hobbies :photography,reading manga,watching anime,taking care of my siblings

Thank you for requesting, I hope the matchup is to your satisfaction!

I pair you up with Kirishima!

- Your quirk is apathy! You can turn your emotions on and off like a switch, letting you make rational decisions in your life. You can also use this on other people. Let’s say you have a person in your life that is very sad about their life, you can turn their emotions off so they don’t have to feel the pain. With this quirk, you can also save many people from their own destruction.

- You were Kirishima’s childhood friend. You’d been with each other since forever, so you were very close with the shark toothed boy. He trusted you dearly and told you any secrets that he had

- One thing he didn’t tell you was his hate for his own quirk. When he was little, his quirk accidentally activated and made him give a scar on his right eye. That led to self destruction and self hate for Kirishima.

- You had very good eyes for perception, and you could tell something was eating Kirishima up. During Middle school, you tried to help him by turning off his emotions whenever he asked

- You knew you weren’t helping- turning emotions off were only temporary, and it wouldn’t solve anything. So you decided to become a therapist for Kirishima. You sat down and talked to him, refusing to use your quirk on him

- He explained how he came off as cheerful and happy in order to cover for his quirk. He explained how he looked up to Crimson Riot. He explained how he wanted to be a hero. And you supported him no matter what.

- He gained confidence due to your pep talk, and you guys grew closer and closer. An unexpected crush started to form as well, and you were ecstatic when he kissed you after getting accepted to U.A

- You are now his number one fan, calling him “My Hero” and helping him train. You’re so proud of him, and he’s so grateful and loving towards you

- Kirishima is busy training and going to hero studies, but he will always make time for you and is always willing to sit down and watch anime with you!

- Overall, it has been an emotional rollercoaster but you guys are so happy right now, letting the Bakusquad make fun of you for being head over hills with each other :)

Scenario: Kirishima getting accepted into U.A!

You nervously stared at the door. Kirishima said he would be coming to your house right after he opened the acceptance letter from U.A. You believed that Kirishima would get in- he had to. He worked so hard, and you promised him that the work would pay off. The nervousness was too much. You turned off your emotions, the jittery feeling floating away as you decided that closing your eyes and resting for a bit would be best right now. You hardly felt yourself falling asleep until you heard the doorbell. You jolted up, turning your emotion back on before opening the door, revealing Kirishima. Before you could say anything, you felt his lips meet with yours. You froze up- was Kirishima, your childhood friend, kissing you? You melted into the kiss, cupping his face while his hands went to your waist. It was passionate- too passionate that it worried you. Did he not get in? Was that why he was looking for comfort? You pulled back, panting as you looked into his eyes. “Did you get in?” You asked in between harsh breaths. Kirishima laughed. “Dang it, now the thing you said after our first kiss will forever be ‘did you get in’!” He joked. Then he pulled you into a hug- you could hear his fast heartbeat. “But yes, I did get in.” Your heart warmed at his words, hugging him back as tightly as possible. “Congratulations.” You whispered. “My hero.”

Song: Lovely by Sara Haze!

It was a little angsty, but I hope you enjoyed! Please let me know what you think. Thank you for requesting, and I hope to see you again soon :)

#anime fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #matchups #kirishima x you #kirishima eijirou #bnha matchup #mha x reader #mha matchup

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marziblogsworld · 4 years ago

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Kissing booth 2, or as I would say a movie filled with cringe, lovey dovey scenes that is dipped in soo much sugar that either it makes you go AWWWWWWW to AAAAAAAAAA this is way to much. After a much successful reviews and rating on Kissing Booth 1, we finally get to watch its part 2 and here is my review.

So the story starts where it was left off, with Noah Flynn going away to Harvard and Elle is finishing up her senior year and despite being literally cities apart they still decides to give their relationship a chance and wanted to do long distance and by 'they' I mean Noah mostly....

You know i have to say, i really like the character development of Noah in this movie. A guy who had anger management issues, who was basically a hothead and would crack open anybodys skull who even touch Elle has came way to far. Noah in this movie was a sensible guy, a person who loved someone and wanted to make it work. He really is head over heels for her and he is also a cutey pie. I mean the way he gets all nervous when Elle doesn't reply back or that he thinks this is end makes me aaaaaaaaa honey come here, let me hug you, you precious, precious child.

Before i rant( yes you read it correctly) about Elle, let me first very quickly talk about this new guy who is no doubt a walking, talking meal 'Mr Marco Valentin Pen who is also another precious, sweet boy in this movie, alsooo there is one major bonus THAT BOI IS LATINA *hot* *hot*. This poor lad was unnecessary drag along in Elle obnoxious drama of her love life, he is a precious soul and he was used and thrown away like a trash or a used chewing gum. Marco was the best and his advices were like( let me take out my diary, because i wanna write the poetry you are spouting) and also he is a guitarist and a singer. I mean come on honey! What else do you need. That poetry spouting, love singing, abs for days boy deserves better. Marco deserves a much better girl then Elle. ACTUALLY scratch that Noah and Marco deserves much better girls than Elle. Also is it just me or does Marco gives such superb Bi energy.

Moving on to 'Mr Lee' , a guy who is a high school senior but has a brain of a child. I mean i get it that its the last year you wanna have fun, do all the crazy stuff but atleast grow up, you are still hung up on that stupid rules you made with your best friend, you are sabbatoging such a healthy and beautiful relationship because you wanna be crazy to the nine that is not how it works and do we all and Elle have to explain it to you in every movie. Friendship is important but so is the relationship with your significant other. Also i am sick and tired of their rules when are they throwing it away.

Ok i am really not a big fan of kissing another guy just to find out your true love was somebody else. This is toxic and injustice to the guy who you are kissing and who you are declaring your love ( i hope i made people understand). I mean whoever came up with such an idiotic advice. I wanna see your man kissing another lady and coming back to you, then we will see how much this advice works. Seriously if my man tells me that i kissed another girl and it meant nothing and you are the one I will be like First of all 'bitch why the fuck were your lips touching hers and second you know where the door is Buh Bye'. I wont tell you in detail but this year LARA JEAN AND ELLE were on the same page. They both were like, lets start this bulldozer and rampage on our men heart cuz why the hell not.

Elle is by far the most frustrating thing in the whole movie. I mean why make things complicated when they are not, why put unnecessary drama in yours and others life when you could have just come cleaned. Also i hate when protoganist doesnt get the medicine of his/her mistakes and everything is all better for them in the end. This way they never learn from their mistakes, they end up making more LOOKING AT YOU ELLE. She is mostly the reason, two hearts gott broken, you know people like her makes others forget the meaning of love. WHY LIE?, that is all i have to say. I wanna rant and scream more but its better if you all watch it and understand my emotions when you, yourself go through with it.

I will come clean. THE BEST RELATIONSHIP IN THIS MOVIE WAS OF OLLIE AND MILES. They are happy and healthy and they better start planning their marriage ( yes i dont care if they are just in high school, they still can). Let me be happy this way.

That is it for my review. Make sure you all follow me for more reviews on your favourite tvshows, movies and books. Recommendations are open😉

BOTH THESE BOYS DESERVES SOME TREMENDOUS LOVE AND BETTER PARTNERS.

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lovelylogans · 4 years ago

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I 100% want to follow you down this path, please tell us the thoughts. The books were a source of frustration for me, because I knew there was a good story and characters in there somewhere, they were just fighting against the (and I say this with the knowledge that these are his only books I've read and I haven't even read these books in such a long time) shitty author. I would very much like to hear any and all rants, and I'm also excited that you liked Iggy! Iggy, Nudge and Max were good

oh he absolutely hired ghostwriters and that’s the reason the books are so inconsistent in plot, there was never a cohesive story except for the first two/three books. the story could have been So Fucking Fire but james MORON patterson said “moneyyyy” and decided to keep FUCKING going to the point where there is a SPINOFF SERIES that i REFUSE to read because i put myself through “nevermore” AND “forever” MULTIPLE TIMES there is NO WAY you can come back from THE APOCALYPSE?????? bro the world ENDED it’s a NUCLEAR WINTER they are STUCK UNDERGROUND

but yes. Opinions.

look, i go into all this with the full knowledge that “james patterson” didn’t even care enough about the continuing arcs of plot to decide if his heroine’s hair should be blonde or brown (it switched several times; one time i went through and counted how many times it changed, and it was in the double digits) but I Care so here we go

uhhhh, maya/dylan was right fuckin there. it was RIGHT fuckin there and he didn’t even???? IT WAS RIGHT THERE!!!!!!! IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO GOOD!!!!! THE REJECTED CLONE AND THE “PERFECT” CLONE THEY WERE RIGHT THERE AND I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER IF THEY EVER MET

maya and dylan both deserved better, in terms of storytelling AND the hate they got from the fandom. dylan was nice, y’all are just mean

except for the part where max was understandably upset by fang leaving and dylan started calling her pathetic for Taking A Breather and Sitting Down In A Tree? fuck that. let the girl have emotions, she was fifteen

ari’s whole arc is HEARTBREAKING, however the fact that they just. brought him BACK from the dead and cloned him SO MANY TIMES let the poor seven-year-old rest in PEACE, PLEASE,

max should’ve been the one to murder jeb batchelder. also when they cast the movie, jeb batchelder’s particular Brand Of Evil can only be achieved by a white man

on the note of casting—max (and the martinezes) are latina, fang is described as “olive skinned” and dark haired so he’s likely also a poc, nudge is black. i watched the jenna marbles movie and like. max is bleach blonde in that movie. maximum “i cut my hair off with a kitchen knife” ride is bleach. blonde. when she is in HIDING in the MOUNTAINS. also ella and dr. martinez, i’m pretty sure, were played by white women, which, :/.

similar to jeb, angel has to be cast as the most White, curly blonde haired, blue-eyed little girl, like the most Innocent looking child possible, because her downfall is straight out of a horror movie. liked her in the first book but by now i would punt her across a football field

iggy was subject to so much ableism. he’s the same age as max and fang and yet he’s lumped in with the rest of “the kids” because he’s blind, he was left behind in the first book with the eight year old when the eleven year old got to come along, and iggy’s character overall deserved better. they describe his wings maybe once in the book and basically all his powers have to do with “regaining his sight” which has some FUCKING YIKES undertones

nudge was subject to Internalized Misogyny from max (which ofc was misogyny from the author) bc she liked to shop, and she enjoyed fashion and pretty things. i adore nudge and she deserved better and you know what, her wanting to stay in a human school and be “normal” was valid of her she was eleven

gazzy’s only personality traits being “farts” and “explosions” ....buddy i’m so sorry you deserved a bit more solid characterization you got flanderized so bad

liked fang but where the fuck did his “immortality” genes come from. legitimately what the fuck. mans DIED a couple books ago and now he’s iMMORTAL?

this bitch.... god him running away? the Letter kind of kills me but also like. bitch. your girlfriend is destined to save the world. she can handle herself.

in retrospect it was the Most Gen Z Thing Ever for fang to run a blog. if they wrote the books today he would be doing tiktok dances in front of itex blowing up prove me wrong

angel was super overpowered. the mind-reading, mind-controlling, breathe-under-water, talks-to-fish, shapeshifting six year old also gets to be the one who saves the world when the WHOLE BOOK has led up to MAX saving the world??? right. yeah.

no seriously angel was FUCKED UP do you remember the way max REACTED to the chip in her arm in book 1/2 on the beach, and angel STILL KEPT PRETENDING TO BE THE VOICE?????? WHAT???????

the voice could have also been cool but that was fucked up, as was the rest of the plot.

NO SERIOUSLY DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN ANGEL STRAIGHT UP SIDED WITH GUNTHER-HANS AND POINTED A GUN AT MAX SHE WAS SUPER FUCKED UP

snot bubble. SNOT. BUBBLE. DO YOU REMEMBER THAT. THE FUCKING SNOT BUBBLE SAVED THEIR LIVES. WHAT.

i’m probably gonna think of more tbh but that’s what i’ve got right now

#not ts #Anonymous #ask

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ghostgothgeek · 4 years ago

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Gonna say this right now...Sam wouldn't get nearly half as much hate as she does if she wasn't Danny's love interest. Same could be said for a lot of female characters, who are unfairly penalized for things other characters are more easily forgiven for. All because they were "in the way".

THIS!!!

I feel like a MAJOR part of the hate Sam gets is because she “got in the way” of other ships, particularly with Valerie. Everyone sees Valerie as a badass character and guess what SAM IS TOO!!! She’s 14 and she hunts ghosts and knows how to work a fucking bazooka and fought off a literal dragon husband!!!! As a child!!! Arranged child marriage who????? And she does things on her own terms and is unashamed to be her true self. She’s so cool! Obviously I love her as Danny’s love interest but that’s not important right now; the point is that she’s such a cool character all on her own and the hate she gets is really just ??????? to me. All the points I see against her are weak or apply to more characters than just her but she’s the only one being criticized.

Also people always forget that this is a children’s cartoon and it was also a cartoon that was written by straight “christian” white men and their outlook of life. The show lacks diversity, we all know that. I’m pretty sure everyone in this Phandom agrees that the show was a brilliant idea and had so much more potential and deserved so much more than what it got.

AND let’s be real, all the women in the show are badass as fuck in their own way.

Maddie? Badass scientist and martial artist. Also scientist in a subject that many don’t believe even exists but she did it.

Jazz? Badass intellectual who also has so much emotional maturity and she actively seeks to comfort others.

Paulina? Badass beauty Latina who knows how to manipulate things (and boys) to get what she wants.

Star? Secretly a badass mathematician and loyal af friend.

Sam? Hella badass and cool ghost hunter and activist. Rough on the outside but has a heart of gold on the inside. Will do anything for the people she loves and fights for justice.

Pamela? Badass HOA bitch. You fucking KNOW that men cower before her. She’s strong and stubborn af.

Valerie? Badass ghost hunter who fights for what she thinks is right. Went through some tough shit to get to where she is.

Angela? Badass mom and chef who takes no shit.

Even the ghost ladies: Kitty, Ember, Spectra, Dora, Lunch Lady, Pandora??? BADASS BITCHES. Literally just show the fuck up to run this shit and fuck you if you get in their way.

We gotta celebrate all these characters for how they are in canon and for all the potential they hold instead of tearing them down for petty reasons.

#ask stephanie #stop comparing the women to each other pls it’s gross

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rebelcap · 4 years ago

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We are not just friends —Part 12

Chris Evans x bi!latina!character (Sofia is a people of color, she's brown.)

Chris and Sofia meet when their best friends started dating, it all started at friends with loads of bumps on the road.

Warnings: drinking, smoking, drug use (weed), assault, Chris being Steve Rogers, commitment issues, my girl Sofia kinda messy, lots of fucking (eventually)

This is slow burn at its best, at least emotionally.

Series masterlist

"You know friends with benefits never work, don't you?" Amanda told Sofia as she rolled her eyes and sigh.

"I don't wanna be his girlfriend," Sofia shrugged, setting her phone in silence as the Twitter and Instagram notifications kept coming. Apparently, people found out who she was and they were blowing up her phone. Obviously, she didn't acknowledge it.

"Says no woman ever,"

"I know, but—look," Sofia sighed again and sat straighter on the couch facing her friend, she looked around because they were in Amanda's parent's house about to lunch. "He's the first queer, nonwhite, Latina, immigrant woman he ever wanted to date, I mean look at all of his exes."

"Okay, he's definitely into brunettes and white,"

"Yes, there's a part of me that's thinking that maybe he's…" Sofia tried to think of a subtle way to say it. "experimenting, and there's going to be nowhere and that left me high and dry when he realized that he's not that into me that much."

"Have you asked him?"

"No," She answered and Mandy just looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "He's going to say that's not true."

"Because it's not. Why does it seems like I know him more than you do, he never said anything remotely like that." She now rolled her eyes at her. "This is you sabotaging yourself, as usual."

"No, it's me trying to protect myself. I don't wanna fall in love with him and shit,"

"Again, talk with him. I'm sure he'll compromise with you at some level,"

"He's away all the time and I hate flying, I hate LA,"

"Oh my God,"

"I'm going to get all weird seeing him kissing other people," Sofia explained. "and he's going to think I'm an insecure, immature little girl that can't handle that." Sofia pouts and crosses her arms.

"Sofia," Her friend scoot closer on the couch and looked at her. "I heard you, about everything and I'm not trying to invalidate how you feel about it, but you need to communicate if you what this to work out for you."

"I'm scared Mandy, because I really like him," Her eyes got all glossy. "I know he's a good man but I'm scared shitless. I can't physically take another loss. You know how hard it was for me to leave my ex, just because of that and it got so fucking ugly on the end."

"I know, I was there," She said and her bottom lip tremble. " crying with you non stop for two years, I know but you know she's a piece of shit and took advantage of you because you were in a very vulnerable position."

"Yeah, I know," Sofia wipe her tears with the back of her hand and sighed, "Stop crying, you're making me cry,"

"I just want you to be happy, you're my best friend I love you so much," Amanda was full-blown sobbing hysterically as Sofia was holding her and chucking. "Capitan America wants to be your boyfriend stupid bitch," She kept sobbing and Sofia laughed.

"I know, I'm just emotional and I'm about to get my period, hormones."

"Your period?" Amanda asked separating and looked at her, pensively. "wait, what date is today?"

"It's the fourteen,"

"Oh,"

Sofia sat down straighter and give her a look. "Are you late?"

"Yeah," Amanda said looking down at her stomach. "Like, three weeks late."

Sofia looked at her belly and mutter. "Jesus, Maria y Jose."

"Holy shit." Amanda blinked a few times and they stare at each other for a full minute.

"Your dad it's going to fucking kill Luke."

~~~~

It's been around a week and a handful of days since the last time Sofia saw Chris, he was already in town since last night but he slept on his mom's house.

Also, Amanda was fucking pregnant.

You up?

She texted Chris at two am. Of course, he wasn't because he was an old man.

I gotta tell u something.

It's important and I need to tell someone I'm really bad at secrets, I just can't.

But you can't tell

I'll literally kill u,

And I'm getting away with it because I know too much about murder men, it's insane.

I'm up, I'm up. I'm watching a movie with Scott, he says hi and also wants to meet u and plot murder.

Also, what's the juicy secret?

Amanda is pregnant and your brother is way handsome than you.

Chris was calling almost immediately.

"Excuse me?"

"Amanda is having a baby,"

"No, about Scott being handsome than me," He asked and Sofia let out the loudest laugh, God she needed that.

"Oh my God, you're an idiot," She laughed. "I miss your face."

" I miss you, too." He laughed.

"Is Scott there?, we follow each other on Twitter and made fun of you."

"You two what," He asked and she could hear Scott laughing on the background. "You made fun of me with my girl?"

"Yeah, I slide in her DMS." Scott laughed and Chris was red as a tomato.

"Dude," He said and Sofia heard a lot of ow's and she laughed. "And about the other things, what the fuck?"

"Yes, I'm freaking out. Mandy's at Luke's house now but I don't know, she didn't text me. I can't sleep," She groaned and Chris stood quiet for a moment.

"Want me to come over?"

"Please?"

~~~

"Oh, hi," Sofia exclaimed as soon she opened the door, Chris grabbed her face and plant a quick kiss.

"Hi," He smiles, still cupping her face. "Hello," Chris kissed her again making her laugh.

"You dork," She said as she took his hand and took it to the kitchen, "Want something? I'm about to stress bake."

Chris laughed while he sat on the high chairs. "Mandy didn't text u?"

"No, dude. I'm freaking out, I know Luke it's the sweetest," She said giving her back to Chris as she measures some flour.

"He's going to be over the moon, I'm not supposed to tell you this but he's been thinking about proposing,".

Sofía was taken aback for a moment there but a huge smile, she turned around and look at him.

"Are our best friends getting married and having a kid?"

Chris laughed and nod, "Yeah, guess so?"

"Yeah," She smiles. "So weird," She turned around and Chris walked up to her, leaning on the counter beside her.

"Why?"

"Don't know, I'm happy don't get me wrong, I just. It's weird for me because it's," She stumbles over her words a little. "it's the first time I'm seeing this going right for someone I deeply care about."

Chris made a face and she laughed.

"I have really shitty examples on my life," She went again to her baking. "My mom and dad fought a lot, they had to get married because they were having my brother—

"Wait, you have a brother?," He asked, surprised. "You never mentioned him."

"We don't really speak, well I don't speak to him,"

"Why?"

Sofía pursed her lips together and give Chris a look, she didn't want him to think less of him or him judging her about what went down.

"Can we skip that part?"

Chris quickly nod, "Yeah, of course," He said putting a hand on her shoulder. "whenever you're ready,"

"Okay," She nod too and remained silent. "it's just, I'm sorry." Sofia took a deep breath and wipe a tear. "I've never had a normal family dynamics until I've meet Mandy's family and a still feel so out of place sometimes, it's weird—" She chuckles. "I'm weird."

"It's not weird, you're not weird. I've gathered that you went through some shit that no kid should go through," Chris said and Sofia stopped moving and looked at the bowl in front of her. "things that obviously hurt you still."

"Stop." She told him trying not to cry and took another deep breath trying to pass the lump on her throat but her lower lip was trembling.

"Hey, hey," Chris grabbed her and hugged her, but she pushed him away and went back to the counter.

"You like muffins?" She asked in a small voice and Chris just stare at her, he just shut him out on whatever it's going up with her. "Do you?"

"Yeah, yes. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," She nod.

Sofía was feeling like an idiot, she didn't want to be crying on his arm about her shitty life, to someone that obviously couldn't relate because he also had the perfect family, the perfect brothers. His fucking life was perfect. She didn't want him to see her like a wounded little girl.

"Sofia?"

"Just drop it, forget about it." She said going to the fridge and grabbed some milk.

"What? come on baby, you know you can talk about me about anything," Chris told her and she just chuckles. "Is this funny to you?"

"I can't talk to you about everything, there's a lot of things we can't relate to Chris." She quickly answered him.

"I know that, but I can listen. You can open up with me for fuck's sake," Chris said frustrated and Sofia sigh. "You're always shutting me out when we even slightly touch a subject you don't like, I've known you for like almost two years and I right now found out you have a brother. You know everything about me, you know my fucking whole family,"

"Yeah, and now you're now throwing it back at my face."

"I'm not throwing it back at your face, you can tell me anything, Sofia." He said and she shook her head.

"Why do you wanna know so bad? I'm just some girl you're fucking." She asked him and Chris was taken aback.

"You're not—is that what you think of me?, that I'm so guy you're fucking?"

"Are you not?" She asked nonchalantly and Chris lost his shit.

"Woow, that's how it is?, like I'm nothing to you." He said taking a step back.

"Why the fuck are you pushing this so much? what are you gonna do? I don't want your fucking pity and I don't fucking need you either." She was spitting venom at him, feeling attacked at everything he was doing.

"You're being a fucking asshole right now," He told her and Sofia rolled her eyes. "I just wanna know my fucking girlfriend."

"I'm most definitely not your girlfriend, I won't ever be your girlfriend" She answered and Chris just stared at her, feeling hurt.

"You know what, fuck you," he muttered angrily and turned around, nervous.

"There we go, pretty Chris don't get what he wants and he lashes out," She mumbled and pointed at him. "And now you leave,"

Chris rubbed his beard and grabbed his phone. "When you want talk this shit out, let me know. I'll be staying two more days and then I'm back in LA, you know I'm leaving for three months. Because I tell you all the shit I do," He pointed out again and Sofia just shrugged.

"Whatever, you know where the door is." She didn't even look at him, Chris was fuming. Sofía flinch when she heard the door shut.

~~~

Well, shit.

Tag list:

@smediumsmeatbae

@lunaticbarnes

@firstangeldragonranch

@lovepeacefood

@thegirlwithpaperheart

#chris evans fluff #chris evans x poc!reader #chris evans x y/n #chris evans x female reader #chris evans #chris evans fic #Chris evans angst #chris evans x ofc #chris evans x latina!#chris evans x original female character #chris evans x you #chris evans x reader

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jasperwhitcock · 5 years ago

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— ⊹ CULLEN COVEN THEMED TAG GAME ⊹ —

here to do my own tag game hehe

edward — do you read people easily?

i wish i did! i think that i am very sensitive to people’s changes in tone, expression, etc... but i never really know the reason behind it & it absolutely bothers me to not understand the way someone’s feeling or what they’re thinking. i always have a bunch of guesses but never know for sure. i ask a lot of questions which can be annoying for some people lol

bella — do you find yourself often underestimated?

YES. i think i am severly underestimated by everybody! i’m always wrestling with my own self esteem as a result.

alice — what is your relationship to your past?

it’s alright. in my family there’s large blocks of time we don’t talk about. & my brain’s blocked a lot of time out too so i don’t have a good memory of certain periods of my life. other than that, i have a really great, specific memory.

jasper — how perceptive are you of other people’s feelings?

i think i’m pretty perceptive of others’ changes in mood, but also i don’t know if i’m just guessing because i’m projecting myself into it... like i think often times i think someone is feeling a certain way because i know how that looks/feels like on me.

rosalie — are you more tenacious or easygoing?

i think i am both. i think i am easygoing but i force myself to be that way. i think i’m tenacious by nature but i really hate to get in the way or be too much or too outspoken or annoying, so i’ll easily bend if i’m in the wrong or in favor of someone i care about’s preference. i think it depends on the situation!

emmett — what are your strengths?

i think right now my strength is comfort in spending time by myself & acceptance of being nonconforming. like it’s a dumb example lol omg i’m embarrassed but like something i admire about & relate to bella on is her feeling out of place. i often do. & now as i’m older, i think that’s fine.

carlisle — what role does compassion play in how you view the world?

i think i’m really compassionate. i’m very sensitive in general. so even when people have wronged me, i can always understand what they were thinking & have forgiveness. even if i never speak to them again. i’m also very sensitive about social issues. especially as a latina.

esme — how quickly do you develop feelings of love & care for someone in your life?

too quickly. i think i’m always really welcoming of new people & new bonds. as i’m older, i’m trying to step back from embracing everyone too much too fast because i think i suffer a lot of consequences as a result. i’m not apologetic about having a big heart & i’m not trying to protect myself, but rather i’m just trying to make myself be okay with not having to have everyone in my life or having people like me or having to take care of their feelings. it’s a cliche, but i think i really do treat people the way i want to be treated.

renesmee — if your parents had other options for your name, are they worse or better than the name you were given? or do you communicate your thoughts & emotions well to others?

well, had i been a boy, i’d have been alexander. not really a fan of that, but also i do think it’s a nice male counterpart to cassandra lol. i always think i am very clearly communicative & overly so... i’m a major overexplainer. i really do long to be understood. it’s another flaw of mine. so even tho i think i communicate myself well... my bf disagrees lol! so maybe not!

tagging some more bad bitches i didn’t tag on my original post @vampireguarddogs @vampiretrashy @jasperwhitlockstanforeternity @edytheelizabethcullen @angelicrosalie

#tag game #question game

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artificialqueens · 5 years ago

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Beauty in the Sheets - Chapter 1 - (Branjie) - Thankyoumissvanjie

A/N Welcome to my take at a lesbian AU. Comments and questions are welcome. ;)

“Boo, she ain’t for you,”

“Wanna bet?”

“Sure hoe. You get her to go home with you, and I’ll buy you all shades that RiRi has ever made of them Fenty lipsticks,”

“All of them?”

“Every goddamn one, Mary. But if yo sad ass walking home alone? You be taking all my weekends for the next three months,”

Welcome to the Beauty floor of Bloomingdales in NYC. There’s drama, there’s bitchin’ and there’s a whole lotta sex.

LINK TO AO3

Working on the beauty floor of Bloomingdales sometimes made high school movies seem like a walk in the park.

It was cut-throat, deeply divided and very competitive.

Not only were all the stands and brands trying to lure in the same men and women, who cared enough about their self-image to want to spend thousands of dollars on lipsticks, skincare and eye shadow, but you were also trying to convey the fantasy of being above it all.

You were untouchable.

Your clothes, your face and your persona were out of this world.

Every single person working on this floor was trying to show the world that beauty mattered.

You had your classic beauties. The forty-something ladies, who worked for legendary brands such as Dior, Tom Ford and Chanel. The grey-haired women, who hadn’t aged since the ’90s. With or without botox.

You had the clinical and uptight blondes of skincare - women so flawless that you didn’t feel worthy in their presence. Their pencil skirts, pretentious lab coats and unclockable skin made them look like queens.

And then you had the makeup artists that worked for the younger brands. Urban decay, Mac, and Nars. Brands that forced you to think big and bold. These men and women all had large and in charge personalities.

Their counters always held a special energy, all the makeup artists looking like they were having the time of their life with green eyeliners and black lipsticks.

It’s not that they didn’t mingle or talk with each other. It was just more that everyone had a group, a place and a certain box that they fit into.

And these barriers were difficult to wipe out.

Which was why Nina West, long-suffering floor manager, had decided that she would take them all on a retreat.

The music was loud. There were people everywhere, grinding, moving and dancing.

Sweat was clinging to overheated skin, as the temperature of the room was making everything damp and hot.

The dance floor seemed to almost be a portal to a different part of the world.

A place where nothing was wrong and everything was allowed.

And there in the middle of the floor, she was dancing.

Her short black dress sticking to her body, sinfully hugging her curves as her hands ran all over herself.

Her long blonde hair was everywhere, sticking to her skin in odd places. She was glistening, sweat drops running down her neck and creating a perfect path down to her cleavage. The deep cut of the dress toeing that difficult line between sexy and sinful.

The six-inch black heels made her tower over everyone.

She was a beauty.

Angelic and yet devilishly sinful.

Vanjie didn’t care.

She needed to have her.

“Why are we going on a retreat again? Talk me through your process once more.” They were both sitting in her office for their usual 10 am coffee break. How Brooke and Nina had ended up working at the same place, given that they had both gone separate ways in college was a difficult and long story.

But here they were. The best of friends since high school, and somehow coworkers.

“B. You’re going.” Nina was slurping on her caramel soy latte, giving her the patented “I am your boss, deal” look. A look that was very close to her “I am your best friend and it is now time for tough love” stare.

Both were looks that she gave Brooke weekly.

If not daily.

“Bitch, I know, but could you tell me why?” Brooke was on the day’s third cup of black coffee. Being a morning person was something she had forced herself to be - coffee and cigarettes were the vices that helped her keep up that particular appearance.

Her long blonde hair was slicked back into a tight bun. The skin was clear and makeup minimal. She wore the standard uniform of a black pencil skirt, white shirt, high heels and lab coat.

She looked professional.

Nina was always amazed at how different work Brooke looked in comparison to the one she saw outside of this little micro cosmos that they worked in.

She knew why that difference was created, but yet, it still boggled her mind.

“To help create and strengthen-

“Bonds between the different counters and coworkers, yes yes. You’ve said that ten times now, but WHY are you forcing us to do this by going to some fancy-ass country club in fucking Albany? Why not just take us out to Olive Garden or something and call it a day?” The fact that Brooke didn’t want to go had more to do with the fact that she was leaving town, something that she didn’t do anymore.

But she didn’t want to tell Nina that, knowing how her loving and way too accommodating friend would try to figure something out, a way to make it work.

And well. She hadn’t heard from Patrick in weeks. It would be fine.

She would be fine.

“Because you wouldn’t be caught dead in an Olive Garden, Brooke.” Which was true. She had expensive taste and she wasn’t afraid of flaunting that.

“Well no. But I don’t need to create bonds with my coworkers. I have you,” She said it with conviction, hoping that Nina believed her.

The real reason she didn’t want to create more bonds, was because she didn’t have room in her life for friends. It was way too messy for that.

“Uh-uh. And I say you need to speak with someone who is not me, Shuga, Katya, Detox or Chad.” The raised eyebrow left no room for discussion, and Brooke tried to cover the pit in her stomach with a smile.

“I hate you.”

She really didn’t.

“You love me.”

“I hope you’ll talk with Ru about giving me that raise after this,” She said it jokingly, needing to distract Nina, so she wouldn’t catch on to the fact that Brooke was starting to panic a bit.

“B… You are not getting a raise for going on a three-day paid leave with the rest of your colleagues.”

“Why the hell not, I am sacrificing my sanity for this. I bet that I could sue for emotional distress,”

“I hate that your ex is a lawyer,”

Their laughter could be heard outside in the hallway, making people stop and roll their eyes.

She was standing at the bar, all by herself, not noticing and not caring that everyone was eyeing her up and down.

Every man and woman at the club was vying for her attention,

But every person who had approached this goddess had all been rebuked with a single raised eyebrow and a tiny shake of her head.

Vanessa wanted to try.

Needed to.

Gulping down the rest of her drink, she squared her shoulders and looked at Silky.

“Right ho, imma go and do it,”

“Boo, she ain’t for you,” She laughed at her, having seen the blonde on the dance floor and how she had hypnotised Vanjie. That woman was out of everyone’s league.

Even Vanessa Vanjie Mateo’s.

“Wanna bet?”

“Sure hoe. You get her to go home with you, and I’ll buy you all shades that RiRi has ever made of them Fenty lipsticks,”

“All of them?”

“Every goddamn one, Mary. But if yo sad ass walking home alone? You be taking all my weekends for the next three months,” Silky could already feel her weekends clearing up, which made her dream of all that good dick she could be getting herself.

“Bitch? You’re on.” The determined look in the small Latina’s eyes did nothing to discourage her.

That blonde bitch would never deign to spend time with that small bundle of crazy that was Vanjie.

“I cannot believe that Miss Nina is making us do this,” Silky had been complaining ever since they had gotten on the bus.

The idea of spending a weekend with her Mac hoes seemed amazing, but the uptight bitches of counters A through G? Not so much.

“Come on Silk, Miss Congeniality just want all us bitches to be less catfigthin’ and more friendly. Ain’t nothing wrong with that, boo,” Vanjie loved Nina, they all did.

Which was probably why no one had said no to the trip, the only ones staying behind were the newcomers and those unlucky - or lucky, depending on how you felt about a weekend in Albany - to have a shift this particular weekend.

“Lil Miss Vanj, just cause you be happy that you ain’t workin’ a weekend, don’t mean you gotta be all happy ‘bout this. I had plans with my man this weekend and now I gots to do this? No, ma’am.” A’keria was sitting with her head down in her phone, probably texting her momma, to see if her son was doing okay. Her man? That was her son. The mascot of the Mac counter and better at applying a winged eyeliner than any 5-year-old had any right to be.

“Kiki, we going to a resort. There be drinks, hot trophy wives and spa - why that givin’ you a long face? Mama Kiki be taking care of our lil dude. Time for you to let loose!” Vanjie was ready. She hadn’t partied for a while. Not since… Her.

“Trophy wives? You forgotten all about Miss ‘best night of my life’ already?” Trust Silky to bring that up… Again.

“She ain’t called me back, Mary. And I ain’t waiting for no hoe. Not even her.”

“Listen, my friend over there bet me that I couldn’t make you go home with me. And I gots the next three months of weekend shifts on the line mama, and I ain’t about to lose to big Silk,” Vanjie had always jumped straight into all situations, not caring if she seemed crass or dumb.

She decided that the only tactic she had was honesty. The tall goddess in front of her deserved it.

“That one is new,” The music was deafening, but somehow, the blonde managed to cut through all the noise without yelling.

“So whaddya say?” Vanjie did her signature pretty smile, the one that usually made a no turn into a yes.

“Hmmm… I’m thinking no,” But not this one.

“You sure ‘bout that, boo? I got a prepo-prepar… I gots an offer for you, you wanna hear it?” She walked closer, her neck craning as she kept on looking into those perfect smokey eyes.

“Sure…” She tried to feign disinterest, but Vanjie clocked the excitement in those big blue eyes.

She had her. Miss Vanjie still got it.

“You lemme buy you one of them fancy pink cocktails, and then I get the time it takes you to drink it to convince you that you need the full Vanessa experience,” Their chests were touching, eyes locked, breaths in sync.

“You seem very sure that you’ll be able to do that?” An eyebrow was raised in a challenge. But Alexis Mateo raised no fool, Vanjie knew how to play.

“I ain’t just sure. Bitch, I know.” Her hip was cocked, eyes wide and a smirk on her lip. She wasn’t scared of a 6-foot tall incarnation of aphrodite.

For a second they stared at each other, the music deep and loud around them.

And then.

“Make it a martini. Extra Olives. You get ten minutes.”

“Perfecto, Mami,”

“Listen up, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you all for coming-” Nina was standing in front of all of them. She looked like a glamorous kindergarten teacher, trying to keep everyone in sight, while also knowing that it was an impossible task.

“Why does she have to sound like this isn’t mandatory,” Brooke was standing in the back, smoking a cigarette and already regretting that she hadn’t kicked up a fuss about being here. She felt angsty, fearing that her phone could ring at any moment and bring her back to reality.

“Mama, she is your good Judy, if you don’t know, then none of us does,” Katya shrugged at her taking a deep drag from her cigarette. If you didn’t know any better you would think that the two of them were twins. Both in black clothes, their blonde hair in perfect buns, and glasses perched on their noses.

Despite their dry sense of humour and ability to run on coffee and smokes for hours, they shared no genes, and the only other thing they really had in common was the fact that they both worked at the same Khiel’s counter. Day in and day out.

“Now I know that you have all probably already thought of how you will group together in the rooms, but to facilitate new friendships across counters and brands, I have made sure that you will all room with colleagues that you don’t work with on a day to day basis,” Nina’s words hit Brooke, and it made her heart sink.

Fuck, she had to deal with someone new.

“Shit.”

“Come on Brooke, teamwork. Yay!” Katya’s small hands waved sarcastically in the air, as she laughed in her loud and wheezing way, which always made it difficult to stay annoyed at her.

“Shut up, Katya!” She slapped her on the shoulder, trying to cover the fact that she was smiling.

“Oh Mama, seeing you talk with a new person, is going to be the highlight of my week. No. My month. I cannot wait to tell Trixie this, she will die!”

“I hate you.”

She really didn’t.

“You love me,”

“Now given the sheer number of people, some of you will room together in pairs, others in threes and a few of you in fours. I have some lists here,” As everyone went up to get the lists, Brooke hung back, she knew that someone from her team would grab a bunch.

They all knew that she hated big crowds and tight places.

And sure enough, Chad walked towards her and Katya with the lists. Scanning the pages her, she felt herself calm a bit.

“Oh, B. At least you only have to deal with one other person.” Chad was always the calm voice of reason, nothing ever faced her.

“Yeah… But I got one of the Mac girls. Vanessa, something?” The name told her nothing. All the makeup girls faded into this lump of… People.

“Oh, you got Vanjie. She is a feisty little firecracker, honey!” Katya sounded excited, which only made Brooke sigh.

Fuck, she would have to deal with a talker. Well, this would turn out to be the longest weekend.

“Yay. Great.” Just what she needed. A young party girl who probably wanted to braid her hair and talk about boys. Fuck.

“Come on Miss Hytes, get in the spirit.”

“Katya, I swear, I will kill you with my bare hands,”

“Now, if you go in help desk, you’ll get your keys and room number. I’ll see you all down here in two hours for dinner. That gives you some time to freshen up and change clothes. “

The loud bang of the door closing was followed by giggles and the sound of bodies tumbling over the wooden floor. Moans and soft whines echoed throughout the large studio apartment.

“Oh, fuck,” Vanjie whined, already too far gone. Bella had been all over her, the moment the door to the cab, Uber? Something … had closed. Kissing and biting, her hand finding its way up under her skirt. Teasing her the whole ride, but never actually touching her where she needed it the most.

“Not yet,” the breathy words made Vanjie clench her thighs. Fuck, she thought she would give the blonde the night of her life, but it quickly became clear to her that she might’ve bitten off more than she could chew.

Because Bella was not playing around.

Her lips were trailing down her neck, nipping and biting, prompting gasps and moans from Vanjie. The back of her thighs hit something solid, as she was pushed up onto the large dinner table, her t-shirt dress bunched up at her waist in the process.

“B, I-I… Shit,” deft hands quickly made work of her dress, pushing it over her head, leaving her in black bra and panties. It made her send a small thank you to her past self that had decided to put on her only nice set of underwear for the evening.

The black bra working some magic by making her breasts look way larger than their b-cup while the thong cupped her ass perfectly.

Thank you, Miss Vanjie.

The blonde took a moment to look her over, while Vanjie did the same to her. She could feel herself getting wetter, as she gazed at the perfect curves and spotless skin. Six feet tall, all curves and muscles. How was the woman real?

Beyoncé could fuck the fuck right off, cause there was a new Queen B in town.

Vanjie couldn’t wait to get her out of that dress. To see what hid behind the black stretchy fabric.

What the fuck was she waiting for?

“Mama, let’s get you out of that dress, huh?” The raised eyebrow told her that she had other plans. She leaned closer and started kissing her way down Vanjie’s chest. Hands quickly removing the bra, throwing it somewhere in the flat.

Her lips started sucking at one of her nipples, taking her breath away with the sensation. Her hips moved at their own accord, seeking friction. She felt her nipples harden under Bella’s tongue.

Fuck, this bitch did not play around.

Her fingers started pinching the other, making her impossibly wetter, her thong soaked all the way through and probably dripping onto the table.

Her lips were softly biting the hardened nub, making her moan in that intoxicating mix of pain and pleasure.

“How do you feel about the number seven?” It took Vanjie a second to realise that the lips had left her breast and that she was once again looking at her expectantly, her fingers never stopping for a second, pinching and pulling.

“I… What?”

“I was thinking seven… Yeah, that sounds about right,”

And with that she dropped gracefully down to her knees, pulling Vanjie close to the edge of the table. Her lips were slowly kissing their way up her leg, feeling them shake with sheer anticipation.

It had been ages since a woman had gone down on Vanjie.

Fuck, she was not ready.

The blonde pulled at her thong, ripping it apart. If it had been anyone else, Vanjie would have popped off, yelling that this was her only good thong, but this blonde bitch owned her right now. The demonstration of power made her insides flutter with lust and her breath stagger.

Fucking hell.

“You smell good, baby” That voice, all low and raspy. Her hands removed the scrap of black lace that had once been a $40 thong, as her lips inched their way closer and closer.

“Please…” Her whine was high and breathy as she could feel the small puffs of air against her skin. Her closed on their own accord, the sensation too much for her.

Her hips started to push forward slightly, hoping to finally get some relief, but a hand quickly grabbed her hip, forcing her to be still.

She felt powerless. It was frightening, it was intoxication.

It was fucking hot.

The lips were so very close.

“So polite now, such a change,” the words were mumbled against her skin sending small vibrations throughout her body, she was almost shaking,

Fucking hell.

“Please,” Vanjie couldn’t recognise her own voice. The tone so high, her need so clear.

“Please what? Tell me, Vanessa. What do you want?” The way she said Vanessa, a name no one ever used, almost made her come right then and there.

If she didn’t survive this night, at least she died happily.

“I want you to lick me,” Her body was so tight, strung like a bow. her toes were curling and fists clenching. She opened her eyes, looking down at those big blue eyes that were like liquid sex.

Bella smirked at her and licked a patch of skin on her thigh, the sensation tantalising, but not what she needed.

“Like that?” Her voice was teasing.

She knew what she was doing.

“No, I-” She couldn’t think, couldn’t speak. Her body felt like it was ready to explode, to combust before they had even gotten to the good part.

“No? Then what? If you don’t use your words, then how will I know, Vanessa?” Bella made her voice high, sounding confused and so sweet, it would have worked if her eyes hadn’t glinted with mischief. She had Vanjie exactly where she wanted her.

“Fuck… Pl-please lick my pussy,” She pushed the words out, hoping that she was getting it right, hoping that Bella would just fucking do it.

And then her lips were on her. Sucking and licking her centre up to that tight bundle of nerves that made her shiver with the tantalising sensations that made her whole body shake. Vanjies hands grabbed two fistfuls of blonde hair, pushing her closer until she was almost buried in her.

It was rough but soft. Too much and not even close to being enough. Her body felt more alive than ever before, her moans getting louder as Bella’s tongue entered her.

“Shit, B… “ Her eyes were shut, as she felt herself getting closer and closer to the edge. Maybe Bella could sense it, as she abandoned her thrusts to suck her clit.

That did it.

With a silent scream, Vanjie came. Her thighs tight around the blondes face, riding out the waves of pleasure that went through her body.

She almost collapsed back onto the table, her body spent, feeling almost woozy coming down from that high.

“Holy shit, Bella,”

The blonde got up from the floor and pulled Vanjie from the table, their lips meeting in a filthy kiss, none of them minding that her juices were still on her lips.

And as Bella slowly pulled away, she looked Vanjie straight in the eye with a challenging gaze.

“One.”

“Oh Vanj, you got Miss Brooke Lynn, the Ice Queen from Khiel’s.” Silk was sniggering as she looked closer at the paper, seeing that she was rooming with some of the people from Armani and Nars.

“Why I always get the bitches?” Vanjie tried to conjure up an image of this Brooke Lynn, but all she got was one of those blondes in their lab coats, tight buns and glasses.

This weekend already seemed too long.

“Cause you like them?” Cigarette smoke was puffed against her chin, as Detox looked closer at the list.

“Don’t need your help, D!” She said playfully, bumping into her hip, sending her tumbling. Her hair was coloured in a bright neon green, which should not have worked with her bright red eye makeup and black lipstick, but Detox always seemed to be the exception to any rules made in the world of makeup.

“You sure? Cause I know B… Give her some tequila and she’ll… well, just. Trust me,” The smirk on her face told that there were countless stories to be told about her friend, but that she wasn’t going to give them up.

“Wait, so I’ve got the white girl that is uptight cause she needs a good fuck, cause her man ain’t doing it for her? I would rather talk ‘bout red lipsticks with Instagram teenagers than that - and ya’ll know my feelin’ bout that shit.” Typical, that the other got to room with lots of people and she only got one, and her nickname was Ice Queen. Jesus.

Just my fucking luck.

“Vanj. Just give it a chance,” Trust Silky to suddenly be all positive. She had seen the list, she knew that she would have the pleasure of rooming with the Armani dudes and Plastique over for Nars.

Typical.

“The shit I do for Miss West, ya’ll. Mary, pray for Miss Vanjie tonight, I might not survive rooming with the uptight sorority girl,” She grabbed her way too big for a weekend trip suitcase and made her way up to the desk to get her key.

She walked as if she was on her way towards the gallows.

“Bye girl!” Detox smiled knowingly, pretty sure that Vanjie was in for an experience.

“Fuck, I… I can’t,” Vanjie was writhing on the bed, hair twisted into a bird’s, as her hands frantically grabbed at the sheets, trying to find something to keep her grounded.

“One more, babe. I know you have one more in you,” The words were whispered against her lips, the dildo thrusting into her, filling the room with its sloppy sounds.

They had fucked on the floor.

Bella had ridden her face on the couch.

Fingered her against the wall until she came. Twice.

Ate her out again on the bed.

Then rutted against her until they both came.

And now Bella was working Vanjie towards the seventh orgasm of the night. Her body was slick with sweat, her eyes closed and head moving from side to side, as she was almost delirious on the endorphins and sensations.

Everything shook. Her body, the bed, and what seemed like the whole world, as the unrelenting pace of the dildo coupled with its vibrations slowly dragged Vanjie towards the edge one final time.

It was amazing, it was painful, it was everything.

“Oh, look at you. Fuck me, you’re hot.” She seemed to do everything at once, licking, kissing and biting. The hand not working the dildo was touching, caressing, and pinching her everywhere.

Vanjie could feel it, the way her muscles started to clench, her back tight as a bow lifting off the bed, her eyes fell close as everything because too much.

It was all sensation.

She could see the edge, so close yet so far away, she just needed that last push. That last-

“Come for me. Do it, babe.”

That.

She screamed.

Opening the door, she was met by the sight of a small brown-haired girl. She was beautiful in her skin tight jeans and crop top.

She created quite the contrast to Brooke’s pencil skirt and white shirt get-up.

If this had been a club setting, this was the type of girl, Brooke would go for.

“Hi, I’m Brooke and you must be Vanessa?” She turned around and looked her up and down, her eyes narrowing in recognition.

“You!”

#rpdr fanfiction #brooke lynn hytes #vanessa vanjie mateo #branjie #group fic #lesbian au #department store au #smut #fluff #beauty in the sheets #thankyoumissvanjie #tw power dynamics

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earwaxinggibbous · 5 years ago

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Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2019

So 2019 was kind of a weird year, wasn’t it? Not just for like, life, though it was weird in that aspect, but in music.

I can’t tell if 2019 was an incredibly strong year for music or a weak one. This, to me, is a sign that we’re transitioning into a new era of popular music. The youth are once again taking the reigns of the music scene as did the punks of the 70′s and the grunge kids of the 90′s. Meanwhile, the oldheads flounder for relevance in the face of this new adversity. “Nobody could’ve expected this!”, said no-one ever.

There was a lot of great pop this year, which I will get to, but there was also a lot of bad pop. All of it was either by shitty new artists who have no talent or previous hitmakers swimming around in their own piss. Regardless, it was all interesting to look at. You won’t see any “this entry is short because this song is boring” sections. I also won’t have to rant and rave constantly about the reprehensibility of certain artists, though it will come up. So I guess 2019 was a better year to talk about bad music.

Less do dis.

10. Senorita - Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes

I can’t explain why I hate Camila Cabello so much. I didn’t even realize I hated her until, like... now.

I thought Havana was okay, and her work with Fifth Harmony was tolerable, but every other single she’s dropped has been fucking excruciating. Bad Things sucked, that one song where she can’t pronounce the word “heroin” properly sucked, and this song sucks.

Much like Selena Gomez above, Camila Cabello is yet another female singer who lacks the ability to display any chemistry with anybody, even her actual real friend Shawn Mendes. As well, like sister Gomez, she fills the chart niche of sexy Latina women for men to drool over. “I love it when you call me senorita” is one of the corniest and stupidest lines ever written. She may as well have said “it gets me hot when you call me Ms. Cabello” because that’s essentially the equivalent.

There’s nothing sexy about the airy whimpering or the obnoxious “ooh-la-la”s or the way Shawn harmonizes, which implies he also loves it when you call him senorita. Nobody actually bothered to think any part of this song through because nobody ever thinks very hard about writing Camila’s songs. Otherwise Bad Things wouldn’t have accidentally sounded like an abuse anthem when it was supposed to be kinky and sexy. And it’s how creepy lyrics like this got by in Senorita.

If he says you’re just friends then you’re JUST FRIENDS. Did we learn nothing from Ann-Marie and Marshmello last year?

This is just yet another lame, plotless, meandering love/sex song by Camila Cabello who has a good voice, but only ever performs these god-awful sex jams with no sex and no jam. And it’s unfortunate because this is sort of the lot dealt to most Latinx artists. Pop-friendly artists like Camila are divvied up into racial categories without anyone even noticing, and most likely she will only ever write and perform sex jams because that’s what a Latina woman in pop is pushed into. Not that I think she has any problem with it, it’s more indicative of a bigger problem than specifically one with Camila herself.

People have been sexualizing the Latinx community since the dawn of time, and while the new movement of Spanish music might change this, it sure as hell hasn’t started yet.

At least it isn’t seven minutes long like Te Bote.

9. Money in the Grave - Drake and Rick Ross

Drake had 25 hits last year, and only one of them was a song I might say I actually like. I remember I said there’d be no boring songs, but... Drake hasn’t been interesting in a long time. Even when I found out about his secret son, or the fact that he was with a significantly younger woman, I just kinda shrugged and said “oh”. Drake has to be on his way out. How much longer are people going to stand this?

Money in the Grave isn’t as turgid as 2018’s Nonstop, or as audibly inept as the 2017(?)’s Pop Style, but God. At this point, every Drake song sounds the same. The man is incapable of bringing forth any kind of emotions, his beats are pathetic drum loops, nothing he writes has any personality. It’s almost funny how boring his music is.

Rick Ross, if you remember him, was known in his time for writing shouty drug dealer anthems. He yelled a lot, and I was sitting with bated breath waiting for him to fucking 6ix9ine scream over this track, only to be disappointed when he lowered into a calmer register for this tune. Drake even made Rick Ross boring, and Rick Ross is one of the funniest bad rappers I can think of, aside from like, Soulja Boy.

I no longer understand what niche Drake fills. You can’t dance to this, you can’t get high to it, nobody’s gonna think you’re cool if you enjoy it, the lyrics aren’t even passably interesting. It’s the same rap cliches as always, perhaps with a new coat of paint, but said paint is the same color as it already was previously, and makes no change.

No wonder Drake endorsed Lil Baby. Nobody else can equal his talent at sounding bored.

8. Bad Guy - Billie Eilish

So here’s an unpopular music critic opinion: I don’t like Billie Eilish.

I’ve known of her for a long time, and never once has she drawn my intrigue. I’ve gone all over asking people why they like her, and I’ve heard all sorts of answers. Her voice is good, her lyrics are good, her production is interesting, her subject matter is deep... whatever it actually is, I couldn’t tell you. But in the end, I basically feel the same way about her as I do about Twenty-One Pilots. She’s an artist in an oversaturated micro-genre who, despite being of lower quality than her contemporaries, managed to do something different enough that she rose up in the latter part of the genre’s life. In Billie’s case, it’s the trend of female alt-pop singer-songwriters who write about things like politics, feminism, and ESPECIALLY mental health.

Lorde was the original, but we also have Lana Del Rey, the more pop-friendly Halsey, Marina and the Diamonds, the dreaded Melanie Martinez, to some extent even Alessia Cara, just a whole bunch of them. They all had their own unique personality. Billie Eilish’s personality is that she has none.

Okay, I’m being a little mean. I do think that Billie’s music videos are actually very interesting, but good music videos does not a good musician make. Her voice is more of a phlegmy whisper than people let on, and her lyrics... like, what, what makes them so special? And why didn’t wish you were gay get ANY backlash when it’s basically just a backwards version of Little Big Town’s Girl Crush?

Bad Guy is the worst of her singles without question. Its beat, much like most of her songs, sounds like two people accidentally banged on top of the Cassio and somebody pressed record. Her voice continues to be boring and flat, for some reason she has to whisper everything, and the lyrics are some of the most mind-numbing shit I’ve ever heard. Which moron at corporate told the 17-YEAR-OLD to write a “steal yo man” song where she threatens to seduce my dad? Like, ignoring my own personal history with my dad, you are literally a CHILD.

Generally speaking, the song sounds like someone gargling mouthwash in my ear for a minute or two, but like, very quietly. Which is kind of pathetic for a song called Bad Guy. You sound like a pretty average guy to me.

It’s obvious from the music video that Billie’s main inspiration is grunge, and if that isn’t the case I’ll be surprised. The weird imagery and intentionally dressing like a homeless person to every public thing she does gives off big Nirvana energy. One could argue that Billie Eilish is a good segway into teaching the youthsters about the ghosts of music’s past. There’s just a few problems with that.

One: Bad Guy sounds nothing like a grunge song.

Two: Billie Eilish does not have a grunge voice.

Three: Billie Eilish just... isn’t doing it right.

Billie Eilish’s parents are two wealthy actors and she was basically born with the ability to get into the business easier than other people. I’m not saying that you can’t be a grunge artist if you’re wealthy and have a decent family life, but I am saying that Billie’s music doesn’t convey any kind of grunge appeal. There’s no roughness or rawness to it because she could immediately walk into a producer’s studio with a wad of fifties and ask for a sick beat. Her music displays no emotion, and emotion is the main draw of grunge. Like, Kurt Cobain wasn’t a very good singer, but he knew how to perfectly channel how he was feeling. Grunge music is about feelings, not polish. And Billie Eilish is all polish.

I’m not gonna get all angry because grunge is being gentrified by a tiny girl when it was originally started by broke heroin addicts and lesbians, but I am gonna get angry because her music sounds worse than albums made on a budget of 600 dollars by a guy who has had one voice lesson his whole life.

She should just go into modern art.

7. Worth It - YK Osiris

Originally I was gonna give this spot to a different song. Worth It was so immediately bad that it rescued Lil Baby from my list this year.

Don’t expect to be this lucky next year, bitch.

But we’re not talking about that squealing douchebag, we’re talking about THIS squealing douchebag:

YK Osiris. I have no idea where he came from, I think he was part of last year’s XXL Freshman Class? He’s more of a singer than a rapper, so I’m not sure why he was, other than the predetermined idea that all black artists in pop are rappers. I wouldn’t even call him a singer, because the man cannot sing.

At the beginning of the music video, you see dozens of paparazzi swarming around YK Osiris’ car as he exits with a girl. This is the set-up for the song’s impressive amount of self-fellating narcissism, as YK Osiris assumes he has fans. Who the fuck listens to YK Osiris? I mean, clearly someone, because he charted, but like... what does a YK Osiris fan look like? Do women actually like hearing him wheeze into their ear? Like BEES?

NO MORE BEES!

Hearing this fucking chicken nugget talk about whether or not I’m worth eet is the lamest thing. Why does she have to be worth it? Are YOU worth HER time? Who the fuck are you? The attitude is very, I guess, mid-70′s Paul Anka-esque. And now I’ve made you imagine a YK Osiris cover of You’re Having My Baby. I also remember Todd in the Shadows compared this song to Earned It by The Weeknd, but I dunno if I get that vibe.

I mean, Earned It is a song about like... BDSM sex, presumably. So that’s more of an “if you’re good master will make you squart” kind of thing. This is more some sentient dildo insisting that you prove his worth to him before you’re even DATING. That’s a red flag on the same level as meeting a guy who lives alone and still puts a lock on his fridge. Like, what’s in there? What’s in the fridge? Is it human meat?

The guitar solo in this song is the only thing about it that’s... worth it. ZING!

6. ZEZE - Kodak Black ft.Travis Scott and Offset

ZEZE is a bad song. Plain and simple. It’s the essence of bad.

It feels like... it wasn’t even finished. Like everyone involved came in the next day to finish tweaking it only to find out that it was already sent out to be published and sold. I feel like there are things missing. Like yeah, the steel drums are nice, but where’s the rest of the instrumentation? There’s a drum and a steel drum and then nothing. Why does this song feel so naked?

Kodak Black sure doesn’t help, still sounding like he’s half-man half-screaming rubber chicken and mumbling like an actual infant still figuring out the whole “talking” deal. It’s not like Travis Scott or Offset add anything. I can’t remember what they did. ZEZE sounds the way I imagine taking ketamine and cocaine would feel. This song is so amateurish, I almost have good will for it.

If this was made by, say, a couple of high school kids dinking around with a Garageband, I might find it a little cute. The problem is that this song was made by several Whole Ass Adult People who have enough money to not make shit that sounds like ZEZE. It’s cute until you remember that Travis Scott produced big sexy SICKO MODE and yet somehow his presence couldn’t make ZEZE sound like it was made on a higher budget than 20 bucks. Someone even put an echo on Kodak’s voice, like that’d make him ANY BETTER.

It doesn’t help that I have continuing ill will towards Kodak Black because he’s a sex offender and nobody seems all too pressed about it. (Some rappers even congratulate him for having a rough past, like yeah, I guess some of those serial killers really did deserve better, huh?) I won’t be satisfied until he’s wearing orange pajamas on an island far away, and until then my feelings stand.

As it is, ZEZE is a song so chintzy-sounding and lame that I can’t imagine who would enjoy it. This song has the same energy as one of those hula girls you put on the dashboard of your car: Cheap and ugly.

5. The Git Up - Blanco Brown

Whenever something new is created, there’s always a leech.

I probably don’t need to tell you about the monstrous year Old Town Road had on the pop charts. For weeks and weeks, Lil Nas X was blocking people from his throne at the top of the Billboard Hot 100, bumping off new faces like Billie Eilish and oldheads like Taylor Swift. Old Town Road knew no mercy. This is the year that a gay black kid singing about horses ruled the world.

And Blanco Brown wanted a piece.

Blanco Brown is one of those artists who started out producing and writing for other hitmakers. He worked on some song by 2Chainz, a couple by some woman named Demetria McKinney, he produced that accursed MILF song by Fergie, a lot of relatively famous people. But he looked at Old Town Road and realized that he, being a black man from the lovely state of Georgia, could also do that.

He could not do that.

The Git Up is a husk of a song, only validated by the fact that it achieved what it was aiming for: TikTok memes. It’s as shameless as Watch Me, but doesn’t even have the small sense of excitement Silento gives off. Blanco Brown’s The Git Up and the “challenge” that it’s attached to are pathetic. The only reason Blanco isn’t too ashamed to go outside after writing this is because he knows plenty of people have fallen into his trap, and that they’re bigger fools than he is.

I started off hating Old Town Road, but over time I’ve sort of come to love it. There’s innocence in it. Lil Nas X didn’t mean for it to be a number one hit, it just happened. A lot of artists were trying too hard this past year, and I suspect it’s why Old Town Road made the pop charts its bitch. It didn’t have to try.

A lot of people will point at rock bands for being “fake”. If they draw inspiration from grunge or punk, and they don’t have the proper edge, many will point and laugh. But just because something is fun and hip doesn’t mean it’s easier to make. In fact, I feel it’s a lot easier to tell if someone’s making a shitty pop song for any reason other than themselves. A lot of people thought Lil Peep was faking, and he really, really wasn’t. There’s grey area in topics like depression, but Blanco Brown (and anyone like him) is as transparent as a window. I see through his mock-excitement, his cute little dance challenge, his “innocent” song. We all do.

I believe Tyler Durden put it best:

“Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.”

4. I Don’t Care - Ed Sheeran ft. Justin Bieber

Speaking of being fake...

I don’t know if Ed Sheeran realizes how embarrassing this song is. More than any other song he’s been involved in. More than Shape Of You, or that one song on Revival, more than anything. I Don’t Care is an exercise in humiliation.

Generally speaking, I don’t like Ed Sheeran’s music. I think he’s had a couple good songs, we all like Sing and Castle on the Hill, it’s not like he’s untalented. But every time he’s gotten a big hit these past few years it’s been so shitty or mediocre that I wanted to scream. I’m not sure why, but all of his fans seem to flock towards his worst songs. And of all of them, I hate I Don’t Care the most.

Usually the problems with Ed Sheeran’s music just revolve around his meek, tiny personality and his weird style of lyricism. The level of detail he gets into can be both an asset and a detriment. I remember I basically described Shape Of You as a virgin anthem, because Ed Sheeran exudes dorkiness. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, and when it comes to nerd music I’d rather take Thomas Dolby, but he definitely had a style.

I Don’t Care is Ed’s Intuition.

As in, the Jewel song. The blown-up pop song released by Jewel, a previously sincere folk singer who played acoustic guitar and sang about break-ups and The Media(TM) and stuff like that. Ed Sheeran is a lot like Jewel, if you think about it. Both of them are skilled lyricists who play acoustic guitar and sing about personal topics, and both of them suddenly decided to throw that away and make a sell-out pop hit. If this kills Ed’s career, they’ll have had basically the same musical trajectory.

Ed Sheeran opens the song by saying he’s at a party he doesn’t wanna be at, and that’s how the song feels. You, the listener, are at a party you don’t wanna be at. What good did adding Justin Bieber to this song do? Oh, right, that’s what made it a hit. I Don’t Care goes far beyond Blanco Brown’s brand of shamelessness. Blanco Brown specifically wanted a dance challenge hit. Ed Sheeran just wanted a hit. Any hit will do. He brought in guaranteed hitmaker Justin Bieber, tossed out his acoustic guitar for fully electronic production, and sang about something vague and already done. And the worst part is that it WORKED.

I imagine this was almost entirely through radio play, because this song is so radio-friendly and milktoast it’s unreal. With a stupid music video greenscreening Ed’s face onto shit and “ooh ooh”s and all, this song exists to pander. It wasn’t created for humans, rather, it was created for the pop music algorithm that’ll shove it into people’s laps without them asking. There’s no artistic integrity, nothing worth thinking about for longer than its runtime. It made it to the Hot 100 because it can be played in grocery stores and clothing stores and really any kind of store. Ed Sheeran is a God of nothing, and I can’t imagine he’s proud.

3. No Guidance - Chris Brown ft. Drake

This song is bad on every possible level. Starting off with the fact that it’s nine minutes long. It out-lengths last year’s overly long garbage fire that was Te Bote.

And then you look at the credits and know exactly who’s to blame for all this:

I don’t know if Lil Dicky anticipated giving Chris Brown’s career a second wind with Freaky Friday, but I think that’s what he did. I defended Lil Dicky last year, and I’m still not clear on how much he actually wanted to work with Chris Brown since that’s not really the kind of thing famous people are honest about, but this wasn’t Lil Dicky’s hit. This was a springboard to launch Chris Brown back into the limelight. Earth didn’t even chart. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the last gasp of Lil Dicky’s career in the spotlight.

But I’d take Freaky Friday over No Guidance any day.

No Guidance is the formal beef-squash between Chris Brown and Drake. Apparently they both dated Rihanna at some point and allegedly had an actual literal bar fight. Despite Drake claiming he still loves Rihanna, he’s also choosing to publicly make up with and work with the man who got her hospitalized at 19 years old. Then again, Rihanna also wants nothing to do with Drake.

(source)

Over time, Drake has proven himself to be his own flavor of scumbag, a weirdo who dates younger women and pretended not to have a son. Perhaps this is his way of getting back at Rihanna. Or he’s simply using Chris Brown’s new power to bolster his own career. Regardless of why it is, it’s gross, especially when he’s dropping bars like this:

Someone else here is looking a little violent, no?

On pure quality, it sounds like every other Chris Brown song, just with Drake tossed into the mix haphazardly. It’s a lame song about hitting on some girl where both artists drop references to their old songs because that’s the easiest way for a failing artist to feign relevance. Assuming nobody features Chris Brown on another massive hit next year, there’s a fair chance he’s done for, and after years of oversaturation, the public finally tires of Drake. No Guidance is a nothing song with scummy shit going on behind the scenes.

RIP Lil Dicky.

2. 7 Rings - Ariana Grande

I never really understood the hype around Ariana Grande. She has a few songs that I enjoy, and her voice is very good, but nothing by her really stands out to me as an amazing song. Ariana stans are relentless. When I posted my review of the thank u, next album some complete stranger replied to it with “Uhhh ok sis”. Like barring the fact that I’m not a girl and we’re not related... it’s an opinion, calm yourself.

Frankly I don’t know how people enjoyed this song. Her stans are insane, but surely not that insane, right? I mean... this isn’t a song. It’s a MISTAKE.

Between Gwen Stefani and Ariana Grande, sampling The Sound Of Music for your pop song is a dangerous game. And really, she should’ve sampled like, anything else. Because nothing says “wealthy, savage girl” like a cute song about your favorite things, I guess!

I’ve never felt quite so immediately gross and uncomfortable as I did when listening to 7 Rings. I have no problem with women flexing, of course I don’t, but this isn’t flexing, it’s mocking. 7 Rings makes me feel like I’m being bullied.

Ari had a horrible 2018, and she’s more than allowed to flex a little, but I can’t imagine why anyone would want to essentially play the villain of a high school movie. She’s not Cher Horowitz or Regina George, because then at least she’d be entertainingly bitchy. I judge a flex anthem based on how much I get excited for the person being wealthy and cool. This song makes me want to commit a robbery.

The lyrical content isn’t the only bad element. It also sounds like shit!

Ariana Grande is a belter. Everyone knows she’s here to sing and not... rap. Which is exactly what she does on this song. The filters she puts over her voice during the rapping sections are just... gross. When she drags out certain words it hurts my ears. That and apparently multiple people have accused her of stealing their flows, though that’s really hard to say since it’s an incredibly generic rap flow. Also, she samples Gimme The Loot by Biggie Smalls, a song about robbing people. Which makes sense because if you bought Ariana’s album, you were robbed! Congrats!

But in the end, the most damning thing about this song is its lyrics. Why should I be excited about this absolute bitch having tons of money? Why should I care when she has the gall to say shit like this?

There were ten writers on this song and nobody thought of saying “hey, maybe the phrase ‘happiness is the same price as red-bottoms’ is a little fucking shallow!”

And I’m not making any judgments on Ariana’s character in real life. I’m sure she’s a perfectly nice person, but if this song was supposed to project some sense of camaraderie and a “we did it!” attitude, it fails. What it does project is a snide, rich girl looking down on you for not just buying yourself out of depression. Never write a song like this again.

Honorable Mentions

Happier - Marshmello and Bastille

I’m not gonna be the first to say every Marshmello beat sounds exactly the same, but every Marshmello beat sounds the same. I picked this one because it charted highest, but really it makes no difference which Marshmello song I pick on.

Sweet But Psycho - Ava Max

This song reads like a 12-year-old’s deviantART journal.

Drip Too Hard - Lil Baby and Gunna

Like I said, this song almost got on the list proper. It’s a slow burn. At first you feel like the beat is solid, and Lil Baby rides it decently enough, but then it keeps going and the flows never switch and Gunna basically sounds the same as Lil Baby and you begin feeling like you’re losing your mind.

Thotiana - Blueface

People kept memeing about this. I thought it’d be fun. I hate you guys.

God’s Country - Blake Shelton

Namedropping The Devil Went Down To Georgia does not make you Primus. Because you are not creative or interesting.

Trampoline - Shaed

I wouldn’t have even given this song a second thought except apparently it’s hit the alt-rock charts? Where is this rock? Like I get we’re pushing the boundaries of genre but I think the bare minimum of a rock song would be a GUITAR.

Knockin’ Boots - Luke Bryan

This song is dumb. But I’m oddly amused by how dumb it is, so it may live.

Baby - Lil Baby and DaBaby

Sometimes things sound like a good idea, and then they’re not. This didn’t even sound like a good idea and it proved to be an even worse idea. Something definitely could’ve been done with this, but Lil Baby is essentially a creative void that consumes all it sees.

Someone You Loved - Lewis Capaldi

Another song that’s too dumb for me to really get mad at. God knows, Capaldi is putting a hell of a lot of effort into something. What it is, I’m not sure, but he’s doing his best.

With those out of the way, we move onto

Number One:

You Need To Calm Down - Taylor Swift

"I AM LAID LOW BY THE HUMAN RACE. ME, AN INNOCENT WOMAN, MUST DEAL WITH ‘HATERS’ EVERY SINGLE DAY. MY HEART HAS BECOME WEAK WITH ALL OF THE UNKIND WORDS. DARE I SAY... I AM OPPRESSED?”

It’s ironic hearing Taylor Swift tell me to calm down. She hasn’t been calm for a long time. She sure as hell isn’t calm in this song. It’s basically the equivalent of someone screaming “I AM NOT ANGRY!”

Like, you’re... still mad about the snake thing? It’s been a few years now and you’re still bothered enough by an emoji that you referenced it in a song about how not-bothered you are? I mean, apparently this song (as well as ME!) is about celebrating individuality. It definitely is celebrating an individual: Taylor Swift.

I think a big theme of this year was “embarrassing”. The Git Up was embarrassing, I Don’t Care was embarrassing, but none of them are more embarrassing than this. You could probably do a list of the ten worst Taylor Swift lyrics and it’d be mostly this song. And if the lyrics aren’t terrible enough, it also blatantly copies the beat from Sunflower, the second-biggest hit of the year and a personal favorite. Like, a fellow critic remixed them together and the backing track is essentially unchanged.

And then we get to the gay stuff.

I’m not the first to point out that the underlying message of this song is pathetic at best and offensive at worst: “I have haters, and gays have haters, so we’re basically the same.” This is essentially Taylor Swift hoping she’ll get an invite to judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

There’s just kind of an eensy weensy problem.

Gay “haters” are like... ACTUALLY DANGEROUS.

They’re not just the goofy, protest-sign waving boomers she depicts in her music video. An internet comment is harmless. Homophobia isn’t. Homophobia leads to suicide, gets teens kicked out of their homes, causes hate crimes, it can cause incredibly serious harm. Someone sending you a fucking snake emoji isn’t the same as years and years of systematic oppression!

Does Taylor Swift have to worry about her safety when she tours in more conservative areas? Does she have to fear the possibility of losing friends and family ties when opening up about herself? Does she have to worry about letting the public see who she dates, beyond the usual celebrity drama? Do people shout slurs at her on the street? Do churches and politicians campaign against her right to marry?

Of course not.

Taylor Swift has always made everything about herself. She’s lied and been petty for years and years in her music. Imagine lying about KANYE. You don’t need to lie about fucking Kanye to make him look bad! He does it himself! She was the victim that time, and every time. But at no point until now did she stoop low enough to openly compare herself to oppressed groups because people are mean to her on the internet.

Like this isn’t even about articles or tabloids or anything, it’s about people being nasty online. The phrase “shade never made anybody less gay” is basically a crackhead way of diminishing our suffering. It’s not “shade” we’re worried about, Taylor, it’s having our fucking legal rights taken away. Your biggest worry is “haters”. Haters aren’t going to ban you from being married.

This song is phony, it’s a rip-off of a much better song that literally came out in the same year, it’s repetitive, it’s petty, and most of all, it tries to diminish the oppression of the LGBT+ community by boiling down all of our pain and suffering to simple “shade”.

I will not calm down.

Woo-ee. That was something alright. We’ll be moving onto the best list soon, if I don’t get caught up in my other quarantine activities.

#panda posts #top 10 list #worst hits of 2019 #top 10 worst hits of 2019 #worst hits #pop song review #pop music #music criticism #music review

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