#i had to i'm so sorry

[futurelabs]

i can hear him scream

JESSICA 🏃🏻‍♂️‍➡️

[toddandersonn]

[iri-desky]

The squire looked on in horror and awe as his knight tore off one of his kneepads and punched dents into his shimmering breastplate; the very one he had meticulously sculpted with his bare hands weeks before. "Master! What in God's name are you doing!? We're about to fight a grand golden dragon! Oh, and that was my finest handiwork! And you're--" The squire cringed as the knight tore a hole in his breastplate with his gleaming sword. "--you're ruining it all!"

"Rule #1 of knighting, dear apprentice," Declared the knight, punching another dent into his arm plate as the squire winced.

"Chicks dig scars."

"Besides, I should know," Shrugged the knight, replacing a shoulder plate with an old shoulder bone of a previously downed beast that he ordered his apprentice to keep in his pack weeks prior-- "One princess refused rescue from me once because she said I looked too 'hoidy-toidy' or something along those lines. Quite the humiliation, if I should add."

"Couldn't have you just--took her?" Asked The Squire, reluctantly handing the knight another bone from his pack.

"Rule #2: Consent is Key, my boy," Said the knight, interlocking the bone with his armor. The squire was surprised by how well it fit.

"...I don't think that should matter when a hobgoblin is in rapid pursuit..."

"Of course it should. Besides, that woman saved herself a week later. My whole expedition there turned out entirely fruitless because her family believed she couldn't handle herself."

The squire considered that for a moment as he extracted an armor patch from his pack, handing it to the knight. "...well, how do you know that this princess would be any different? For all we know, she could be halfway across the kingdom and homeward bound as we speak."

"And that's Rule #3, son--never assume," The knight proclaimed, slapping on a patch to his previously flawless armor. "always check. Once I almost had my head bashed in by a necromancer because I believed she was already dead; turns out the death magic perpetuates on the bridge between life and death..." The knight gave a hearty chuckle as he rubbed a certain bruise on the back of his head.

"You gave me the same lesson when I thought you liked girls," The squire countered, hand tiredly wavering as he handed the Knight another patch. "Speaking of which, if that's the case, why are you even doing this?"

"That's the thing, my boy; we don't assume, people do!"

"So...you're doing this because some ladies judge you by face value and you...want to appeal to them so they go with you?" The squire asked, perplexed.

"Of course, my boy. That's exactly it."

The squire shook his head, baffled. "But these people you're appealing to judge you the second they see you. Why appeal to them to begin with? Why save them at all? That isn't really behavior I'd call... worthy of being saved."

The knight sighed as he plastered on a final patch. His previously utterly flawless armor was now ripped and torn, battered, yet undeniably strong. The knight got on to one knee to get to his squire's level, and placed a hand on the squire's shoulder. "Look, kid. I'll admit I've questioned these...missions, for awhile. With all the haughty princesses and nobles who look at me and rather turn away and die than be rescued by me because I look 'too much' to them. But-"

"Yeah, yeah, it's your duty."

"--No, no, that's not what I was going to say. What I was saying, is... they're all alive."

The confusion in the squire's eyes grew by the moment. "...huh?"

"They're alive. And life matters more than any of those things."

The squire scoffed in response. "But they wouldn't do the same for me."

"Okay, boy," The knight chuckled. "Picture this. Imagine two knights in a jousting competition together. No one knows who's going to win and who's going to lose. Both are against each other. Whoever wins is in charge of saving you. What would you rather have; odds where both knights are hostile to each other and you get one, or odds where one is peaceful and the other is hostile? Where the match can end in a draw?"

"Obviously the draw," Answered the squire. "But a draw is against the rules, most of the time. The royals wouldn't be happy."

"But what matters more; your life or the rules?"

"My life!" Exclaimed the squire. Then realization suddenly flooded his defiant expression. "...oh."

"... exactly, there we have it. A life is important above all else."

The squire prodded a patch on the knight's armor, smoothening it down. "Even if you have to go out of your way to save it...?"

The knight nodded. "Even so."

"But what if they don't appreciate it?"

"Their loss.

What do I always say to you, my boy? When we're doing those centering sessions you always hate?"

The squire rolled his eyes, and recited the mantra by heart with a small smile. "...hatred develops more hatred and the mind can eventually corrupt the soul."

"Exactly. And it's the same with human beings."

The squire grinned as he scratched his neck. "Alright, alright. I get it."

The knight gave his shoulder a hearty pat as he rose from his knee. "There's my boy!" He exclaimed--as the squire nearly fell over from that, his relatively frail figure wavering like a scarecrow in the wind. The squire chuckled regardless.

"All right!" Said the squire, sealing his pack and slinging it over his shoulder. "Time to confront a dragon...ten times our size!"

The knight laughed in response, ruffling his apprentice's hair. "That we will!" He cried. "This ought to be enough. Off we go!"

"Off we go!" Cheered the squire in chorus, as the knight met his enthusiasm with further hearty laughter, the pair finally marching further down the path and towards the gates to the princess' dark prison of a castle.

"Hopefully the princess is attracted to your roguish charm instead." Chortled the knight as he walked ahead, the squire following closely in tow.

The Squire rolled his eyes again, a smirk betraying his feign annoyance. "Oh, shut it," He said, lightly punching the knight on the arm.

"As if you could shut your blabbering mouth," The knight snickered, the punch barely affecting him as him shoved the squire in response. The squire laughed as he almost was toppled over, to which he responded with a cheer and a harder punch on to the knights armor. The knight again chuckled and punched him back, as the squire, who this time almost entirely fell over, punched him one last time.

The result was a clang that reverberated throughout the valley as the squire winced. Whoops, right against his master's armor. "Ow..." he groaned, nursing his newly bruised hand as the knight snickered.

And then the thunder of wings could be heard overhead. The Knight and the Squire slowly looked up in awesome terror and beheld the owner of the golden shadow that loomed above.

"... and rule #4, kid. Never lure a metal dragon with the promise of more metal.

"...aw, fuck."

Princesses don’t want to be rescued by knights in shining armor. They want knights with armor that’s dented, scarred, and maybe patched with the bones of slain beasts.

[rioblitzle]

working retail

[faffreux]

it's weird to be attracted to an ugly frog like wtf is even your taste in men

i won't argue with you about whether or not fawful is ugly but it is weird yes, i agree

i have long accepted that i am weird

[mroddmod]

magma fiddlestan be upon ye

[cirrus-grey]

[hinamie]

tiger lily

[shotmrmiller]

ghost getting himself a cute, soft girl he doesn't talk about much but is clearly obsessed with and price just thinks it's nice he's finally settled down, approves of the home he's made for himself, definitely approves of the one he's taken for himself.

soap asks kyle if he's seen you and he says, "yep. lovely bird he's got tucked away in her little dollhouse. makes great food, too." soap swears there's a subtle shift in his tone when he says "lovely", a hint of something deeper that flickers in his eyes for just a moment. soap simply sucks on his teeth, letting it slide. (although he knows that kyle's always been one to appreciate the good things in life.)

interest gnaws at him, a persistent itch he can't scratch. price likes you just fine, as does kyle. well what about him? he decides to bite the bullet and goes to simon with a knot between his brows, the corners of his lips tugged downwards. they've shared clothes, bullets, beds. if the other two got to meet you, why can't he?

"ya can come over for dinner on tonight. she'd 'ave my neck if she didn't formally meet ya anyway."

soap then asks, out of genuine curiosity more than anything else, if simon would have kept you in the dark from him hadn't he brought you up himself.

"ya meet 'er when i want ya to, boy, and not a moment before." the tone he takes is unmistakeable. his words are a command, not a suggestion, and soap instantly knows to not push further.

soap nods. "ah'll be there."

"course ya will. she'd be terribly disappointed otherwise."

yeah, he'd hate to have that.

soap sits in the living room, the soft glow of the lamp casting a warm light over the cozy place. with a full stomach and an unfastened belt, nursing a glass of kentucky. he can't remember the last time he ate that well or that much.

maybe it's the alcohol that loosens his tongue, or the fact that he wishes he also had a sweet little thing to keep at his side just like simon's doing with you now, but the thoughts he's been mulling over all evening since he first saw you tumble out of his mouth.

"while ah can attest to yer taste in sweethearts, can't say much about your alcohol. bourbon, LT?" he says, chest warm.

simon's arm tightens around your hips, fingers splayed possessively over your thigh. he shrugs, completely unbothered by the backhanded compliment. "can't be perfect in everythin', can we, sergeant?"

soap's cheeks burn furiously hot when you come to his defense with a smack of your palm onto simon's chest. "be nice to johnny. he's got a face that make up for some of his other flaws."

the teasing lilt in your voice unashamedly gets his southern blood pumping. he can't help it if certain things stir when someone as pretty as you look at him like that. soap swirls the amber liquid gently in the glass while keeping his limpid eyes on you, not even trying to hide the fact that his gaze hasn't wavered since your cheeky little comment.

you then whisper something in simon's ear, your cupped hand not even half the size of his head and soap has to rearrange himself from the outside when your teeth catch your bottom lip. simon looks up at you then, eyes heavy and half lidded, and a smirk plays at the corners of his mouth.

"'m not sure, love. you'll just 'ave to ask 'im yourself. go on."

you open that sweet mouth of yours, but simon cuts you off with a decisive wave of his hand. "no. you know how to ask for things."

your reaction to that is visceral, and you're on your knees faster than his alcohol-muddled brain can comprehend. don't look down 'er shirt, don't look down 'er shirt, don't-

"johnny, will you touch my pussy?"

he splutters at your question, completely taken aback, but it seems you're not done just yet.

"hands to yourself, sergeant. tha' not all."

you pout at simon, one that earns you a look that promises consequence, but do as he says.

"will you touch my pussy, johnny? pretty please?"

[gotchibam]

Shiny Mimikyu, Shiny Sylveon, and Shiny Whimsicott ko-fi doodle for wanderbanana! ✨

[mumblers-lobby]

We don't know that guy.

Before anyone starts whining, go donate to the fund OUR community started for actual SA victims. Shut up and put a dollar on the jar. Thanks, Good Night.

[deep-dark-fears]

Out out, Mister Goofums. A fear submitted by Lauren to Deep Dark Fears - thanks!

You can find original artwork or commission portraits in my shop!

[mikonez]

the cold calculated demeanor of someone not to fuck with

(no text ver under the cut!)

[space-bowl]

Unconditional love.

Based on this meme, shoutout to whoever made it (I saved it a while ago so if you see this and it's you, please let me know!):

[crystallizedtwilight]

Do lock shock and barrel ever do that thing where after you go clothes shopping you do a little fashion show to your friends to show off the new clothes? Also would shocks girlfriend join?

No fashion shows but we have noticed we've been looking...cooler lately 😎

[tapeworrmart]

What if James was always onimously soaked through as a nod to his ending