#i had to go to wor
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Gm, i have been asked to go into work YET A-FUCKING-GAIN :)))))))))))))
#like literally every day im not at work i get asked to come in#and i just dont have time for that#i was supposed to do my laundry yesterday but i had to fill in for someone at work#i was also supposed to clean my room but yet again#i had to go to wor#k#i dont even have clean clothes for work. just a highly vulgar shirt and a skirt#alsolike#my boss always forgets that i will never ever step foot into that building on wednesdays#tony speaks
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Why I Am Not Coming In To Work Today [abridged], Jess Zimmerman
part one | part two
#me when everybody is posting the maple leafs sad narratives and i am furiously generating this like HOLD ONNNN HOLD ONNNNNNN#honestly i could've been SOOOO MEAN about this because i saw this poem & alexandra got the preview on the poetry blog#where i just reblogged the first half of this poem point blank with the tags#kyle dubas#toronto maple leafs#& got yelled at aksdaksf & it literally only didn't go on this blog bc i usually write more & then it was percolating & i looked up the poe#& it was only the FIRST PART i'd reblogged i didn't know there was more & then brain immediately went brrrrr ok time for an edit.#this is a long one lol & i also have no idea if it makes sense to anybody but me but because y'all know me i will always overexplain so!!#my reasoning for the reasons obvi kyle. that's a given i hope he's doing well i hope he & his family r good but man is not coming in to wor#the second edit took me a stupid amount of time bc i am nitpicky but also i learned how to do the layers & transparency from the claude edi#that actually y'all don't know about lmao but i lost my mind when i saw how perfectly those pictures align i was scrolling getty & was like#ok december i'm gonna do a headline one (in my brain with the november/june quote about choosing to die again) w/ maple leafs playoff odds#how they say at winter break you know who's gonna be in the playoffs & who'll win & they thought they had a shot but it's mitchie overlaid#the 2003-04 team who'd last won a playoff round with the atlantic division stats from dec for 22-23 & how long it's been & dec headlines#i wanted breakup/recent/never loved to be a recent trade acquisition somebody who bounced around & somebody else so i almost had simmer#brodie & zar but then i wanted to make murray for breakup at any time &i forgot zar & him were on the pens together &it hit me like a truc#bc there's a photo of the two of them EXACTLY the same so close it's scary of this one but them as pens so they had to be it & i did always#know never loved again was mitchie. sorry. also mitchie in the penalty box the last game but i couldn't find footage of it & this one works#no i could not find a photo of tyler bertuzzi fighting a leaf for a dog looked at me yes i tried.#i almost made the bunting photo jt but instead it's 'bunting a rat etc' anyway the one i really feel unhinged about is dead pets bc at firs#i was gonna make it the handshake line & look to see if the leafs had drafted anybody on the panthers (dead pet former draft pick)#& they had & it was carter verhaeghe & i couldn't get a good pic of matthews & verhaeghe but it's fine bc i thought about the mo/luke schen#narrative (in which they are a perfect d pair long lost) & schenn was drafted by the leafs & that line fits jut trust me. also how i feel#about the kniesy luminous line that one possessed me it had to be kniesy idk why. i almost put gussy as girls are too pretty though ALSO#did u like my joke. daylight SAVINGS time on the goalie. thank u. also my photo magic on the jt (me very poorly editing in him as an isle)#OK ALSO HOLD ONNNNN there is a part two but i have to wait for the Content i want it will come out as soon as [redacted] or sooner#if i get bad at waiting &everyone will pretend like it is always the way it will be once i have the photos i want. speaking of did the leaf#simply not take a team photo this year?? it Does Not Exist for me i have tried very hard to look for it also i'm excited for part 2#one of them is named oh you're so unhinged for this one & the finished product is you're unhinged in ways you didn't even know u were sorry#liv in the replies
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I typed up an impassioned rant yesterday about some family bullshit that I'm in the middle of but by the time I was done I wasn't Yosemite Sam-levels of angry anymore, but just quietly frustrated and sad so I'll post the gist (bc I do still need attention and I think my mom is sick of talking to me)
my cousin's husband's mom had knee surgery on Thursday, but they also left for vacation on Thursday? I guess they thought she'd have inpatient rehab, but said cousin's husband would come home early if needed. well obviously she got discharged to home the next day and I started getting texts from my cousin about how much money flights back were. I told them all I couldn't be the "on-call" person for this but I guess they decided they could just disregard that and now cousin's husband is not coming home until next weekend and I am indeed the "on-call" person for this? which I know from my cousin's husband's mom asking me to do all this shit I said I couldn't do, as my cousin has stopped texting me and her husband NEVER ONCE texted me
#okay this was still a rant lmao but you should've seen the state of the one yesterday. i had smoke coming out of my ears#i just feel so disrespected it's unreal. like i guess i'll just go fuck myself then?#thankfully my other cousin (cousin's brother) is here and he got roped into the horseshit so he's helping me out but this is not our fuckin#job. we're not her children. strong case for having more than one kid tho as backup if your one is a fucking flop.#when i picked her up she was saying she didn't want to stress him out and that he should just enjoy his vacation. well i hope it's the wors#worst vacation he's ever had and he gets stung by a jellyfish and has diarrhea on the plane
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someone commented on an old post of mine that sonia wasnt fridged bc shes relevant to the plot and i have been thinking about it for an hour bc i dont think thats an actual get out of jail card for that .... also ... what does she do? be raurus way to cement himself as da king? give some half assed advice to zelda, that has no pay off unless you count zelda time reversing a bunch of weapons*, and then immediately dies just so zelda can essentially replace her and make rauru regret he didnt stab ganondorf right when he showed up in their temple i guess ?? (which is questionable on its own imo)
(*its not a good pay off for powers she was suddendly revealed to always have had(tm) and also is only ever used to .... welll, get zelda out of the way back in time, reverse a few weapons and .. idk create a ham fisted way to give the player her gimmick?)
even if she doesnt technically meet the requirements(lol?) to be called fridged like .. she is spiritually at least for how irrelevant and cheapely killed off she was
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#totk#idk man#be honest were you surprised by her death?#she first time she appeared she basically had a sign around her that said murder me VILLAIN#also i guess you can count her i guess having never mentioned babies with rauru off screen or sth#bc how would zelda have both their powers beign a super super distant relative#i guess there are ways to do that with other relatives and whatever was going on with the ancient hero (uuuugh) reveal#but the way she said it was like#das our 10 000 times removed grandkid or however that works in english#nhjdfkgfjknkgf#like maybe im misremembering something#but you cant tell me she didnt at least FEEL fridged#like when i saw the cutscene i thought at first oh she was just punched no way shes gonna die from one punch-#-i wonder what she will do no- oh she is dead lol#totk is all just subverting ma expecations by making me hopeful for something interesting only to reveal it is the most boring way actually#i cant get over the intro giving me the tiniest crumb of oh thats how zelda being your companion could wor- aaand shes gone bye bye zelda#for the rest of the game
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a little bit sad @ myself :(
#working on a paper w someone and shes first author so ofc shes doing quite a lot of work and she deserves it absolutely#the 2nd author is a friend i respect deeply and she basically was like. expecting me to do most of the code/data analysis#this friend also gave the first author the first author-ship (she was going to be first auth originally) but when me and the first auth wor#together she sort of takes the coding over entirely and she just said shes gathering the code we need and then were going to hop on a call#like#oh i was under the impression we are doing this tgth whats the point of me being here if we are just using ur code...i feel so useless 😭#good on her + im proud of her but i also wish i had the chance to do more yk. idk#i feel like i havent done enough...yay first publication...
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yeah this cannot go on i need to take something like my chest is exploding i can't calm down it's 7am i feel insane insane insaneeeee
#though I HAVE successfully testing that ldn gives me an insane amount of (anxious) energy when i'm on a 3-4mg dose but then i get foggy and#empty at 4-5mg i think#i'm not sure if i should go down to like 2 or try to find the window between#i wish i just had like. a year to get meds right and heallllll so badly#but i can't afford going all the way down and having more relapses#i feel like i'm having aheart attack rn it's so bad it's so acutely painful#and it's so weird bc it's so empty#too like last month i was so full of everything and especially uh attachment fear but now it's just like pain empty screaming pain#i think it's the not eating food enough thing#i mean I DID eat MANY crackers today. rolls eyes#not enough hhh#i know theres so much i have to get done but like ic annot do anything i can't even message anyone i can't i need to get sedated#i don't know if i should try having MORE ldn or ritalin (probably not bc it doesn't sedate me like adderall)#or just hydroxyzine or muscle relaxers#hydroxyzine is looking like the most likely option#bc i still associate muscle relaxers too much with trauma i can't take them they scare me#i feel like i'm dying#i don't think you guys get how fast i'm typing rn like i am going fucking insane if i die of a heart attack for real it would suck huh#no i KNOW this is panic i KNOWWWW i'm panicking but i also feel like i'm going to throw up and die forever it's so bad i feel so so bad lik#i don't think people get how bad everything is i need it to all calm down and stop i need it to get better i am not okay holy shit#you know what everything in my life might not feel fixable and i am letting all my professors down but I can probably take incompletes wors#comes to worst i need to take hydroxzyine sleep and then cave and buy some food tomorrow#like what's happening now i#there FEELS like there's a SHAARP HOOOK in my CHEST IMAPLING ME#if i sedate myself enough i might be able to communicate with people for real instead of burrowing my head into the ground forever and ever#yeah okay i'm taking hydroxzyine#i feel like the problem with antihistamines now after last year is [redcated]#trying to convinc emyself this is not a suicide attempt or self harm i just need to calm down hahahahafih;aeifahe;wifahewifae#that's what they're PRESCRIBED for#i think i want benadryl instead though bc it's shorter and it also makes me head clearer i wonder if i have any i think it's not here thoug
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sometime's I sit and think about how interesting an AU where the curious cat was after Roman instead could be, but then I remember that Roman would just. not.
#it would require a) listening skills and b) talking to the cat#that man his been in survival mode since he was four you think he's gonna stay in the same room as a creepy cat for more than thirty second#CC: “I can make your life wor- wait where'd he go.”#caterpillars dream sequence doesn't work Roman forgot what he looked like as a child#Young Roman: “Look we can forget all about remnent! It would be safe here-”#Roman: “who are you???"#Young Roman:#Young Roman: just drink the tea#Roman: I don't accept food from strang-#The tree itself giving up at that moment: oh FOR FUCKS-#actually I rotate this au in my head constantly#if I had energy I would write like a forty chapter fic about it#I have actually worked out all the kinks it would be very angsty it would be amazing I would have no idea how to end it
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My first bus was late and hit every fucking red light so I missed my second bus by like 30 fucking seconds
So instead of waiting 45 fucking minutes I’m getting another fucking lyft so I can make it to fucking therapy on time
Fuck
#can u tell I’m mad lmao#the way I got through a Lyft ride last week was I had dance after#now I have fucking 2.5hrs of therapies#I’m going to have a panic attack#I have an hour in between#technically I could go to the gym and run#I should’ve just gotten a fucking lyft from wor#this is so fucking stupid#it’s like 2 miles#but it’s all uphill and it’s hot#and I can’t walk that in half an hr
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just filled 4 grids in half an hour...years of crossword database maintenance finally paying off
#it's not much but it's honest work and it takes fucking forever#someone give me a master's degree in delayed gratification#cruciverbs#then i had to do maybe three months' worth of maintenance all in one go because i have been so behind the last few months#that i didn't have to time to do it as i went along#but even that only took 40 minutes!#i'm looking through today's list of removed words to see if there are any really comical ones i could tell you about#nothing really. idk what thiocyanate is doing in here like come on antony when am i gonna be putting that in a crossword#oh but carillon is on here. which is only funny to me and only because i just looked it up yesterday#because it was in a baudelaire poem#incidentally two of the words i adjusted the weight of were baud and bauds. and guess what word is between them#small wor(l)d...
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heid / age 24
(( did i tell u guys i'd actually made some significant progress on my rpgmaker game about heid's past crew / him as a young man? this is like a TINY graphic used in game but I actually really like how it looks. owo more in taggos i miss u guys ))
#(ooc)#(youngverse)#(muse)#ive made a tileset - all character sprites#and ive actually reshaped it to be a unique story in a unique world#because i figured fuck it#i turned heid into an oc and have totally scrapped all traces of the ffvii universe#ive done SO much work on it#im sorry ive been so absent here im still adjusting to wor#have had some mental troubles so am going back on meds#and just yeah - times have been a little all over the place#i hope to be back around again in like a good few months im not sure when#maybe december time?#i love you all and miss you all
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i gotta say 99% of the time i'm like be cringe be free but. not when it's on my fyp and i have to look directly at it
#avery.txt#i block so many ppl now bc i just. did we watch the same show??????????#like ok i just. i'm sorry but spn is not a gay show. like i keep seeing this post that calls it a gay show and What Are You Talking About.#lord knows i headcanon most of those people as queer (or at least entertain the idea of them being queer) but like. come on#someone described the show as 'written by white liberals with conservative trappings' and yeah. that.#there are definitely scenes that can be (easily!) interpreted as being queer-ish and i definitely do that! but like. man.#i just remember when i first started watching kinda going into with an idea of it solely based on tumblr and i was WRONG.#it is BETTER THAN THAT. it's not a masterpiece by any means. but it is so much more interesting than i was led to believe from my exposure#*to it when i was a teenager. and tbh i'm glad i actually saw the show now bc as insufferable as i am about it i would've been so much wors#*if i had watched it when i was 15. carrie anne and i have discussed this lmao
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Understandable Sanderson has Roshar lacking in gunpowder because that's his Highest of Fantasy kind of setting, even with the now introduction of airships throwing it head first into techy magic. However, imagine how imposing shardbearers would be if they fucking used a pirate cannon as a normal gun.
#this post brough to you by 'thundershard' a scrapped fanfic idea i had about ranette going to roshar to sell guns#cosmere#cfsbf#stormlight#stormlight archive#the way of kings#twok#words of radiance#wor#oathbring#rhythm of war#row
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I confess, I am... kinda excited ; w ;
#sometimes i feel like all i do is just work and survive#once in a while get myself a takeout#i work so much and what for#i never buy anything it's so depressing to think about#since bookdepository closed even my occasional 'buy a book i'd never read' shenanigans stopped#i was lately contemplating buying a new pc‚ and while that's undoubtedly a treat‚ it does fall within my very strict:#'a useful electronic' category of allowed expenses#like i was wondering between ps5 / pc but again those are planned for for years now‚ and hardly can be called 'indulgence' given how#one is for work and the other is years overdue since i was waiting for it to be less expensive..#ah‚ i babble 🙈#i did decided i will not share this irl though#i figure‚ i want it to be my private little positive treat#without the unnecessary opinions about how a 'book is not worth that much'#i mean i agree but did you see the book#it's the sexiest book i've ever seen in my life#i am not sure if i'll go ahead and get oathbringer in a few years#but wok-wor are literally the two books i love the most#my most beloved#my light in the dark#-coughs- ok ok.#yeah.#this is the most you heard me babble here in a while -laughs-#i've had a rather rough few weeks and has not been present the way i wanted to be-- those i have not yet answered to-- i will-- soon.#buns.txt
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you ever think you're doing amazingly and then one day pulls the entire thing apart and you've gone back three steps and feel like shit again
#tw vent#vent post#some weight talk#i'll be fine in a couple of days but I had a really shitty day today#its making my anxiety spike again and my thoughts are spiraling a little#ive been so happy and finally felt like the things that I love doing weren't a chore anymore but now my parents are forcing me to go when i#not up that level again yet. but they are making me go anyway even though im incredibly self conscious about that day of high-intensity wor#because i haven't done it for three or four months and have lost a lot of my fitness#and i made an offhand comment earlier how ive gained a bit of weight in my thighs cause of it and then my dad said that I was#talking about it and im not going to lose the weight if i dont go. it was non-malicous and true but it still made me feel like shit#and were doing a fitness section in pe atm and that's making me feel like shit too#like ive only gained a couple of kilos and don't care about that at all. I care about the muscular strength and endurance I've lost#so now im shit at the thing I used to be really good at#just because i lost the momentum to go for a few months#that on top of other shit happening to friends etc and also end of year exams coming up is not making me feel great
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My questions regarding Setzer's everything continue as he somehow managed to summon what I'm pretty sure was the warring triad and KO everything on the field (including the party) on our way up to the floating continent.
#his reunion quest in the wor emotionally wrecked me but in a good way#did not think i could love him more but i somehow do#really every character i meet again in the wor does something to make me go omg i love themmmm#edgar pretending he didnt know them to trick a gang of thugs he had locked up into leading him into the castle so he could rescue everyone#not even caring if they took the treasure all he cared about was saving the residents trapped inside#finding setzer in a pub getting plastered because hes lost his ship and his friends and talking him into coming with us was top tier content#the flashbacks in the tomb as hes leading you to the falcon hit me hard#also locke trying to revive rachel and her coming back for a brief second to thank him for being in her life ashahhfhshfus#and terra learning the meaning of love from the kids shes protecting!!! ahhhh!!!!#shit went from 0-60 really quick and got way darker but man is this game getting really good#final fantasy 6#setzer gabbiani
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what a terrible time to realize your mom forgot to schedule you any more therapy appointments.
#vent#my mom was venting to me and my dad about just how horrible things have gotten for her at school and my dad was trying to give her advice#even though he knows she hates that because he doesnt really get whats going on and how all these things interact in a school workplace#and it turned into an argument because my mom was sure his advice would get her fired/put on leave but my dad doesnt like#how she just has to accept being walked all over because she doesnt want to lose her job because no matter how shit things get she cares#about those kids goddamnit. and she was crying and he wasn't yelling but talking in a tone close enough#and he asked her not to rant about this to her anymore because he cant just listen and go 'that sucks'#and i was just stuck there in the living room because i didnt expect it to escalate like that and had gone over to her to hug her when#she first started crying. and then my dad left to go back downstairs and my mom apologized that i had to see that#and i just brought her the tissue box and went to my room#and cried a bit because i just feel so helpless. like. there's not much my mom can do other than talk to her union i think unless she wants#to risk being put on administrative leave again#apparently the last time that happened it was because she cussed out an assistant principal#... i didnt know she was put on leave. if this is the time i remember#i just remember her taking a break from teaching for a year. for her mental health. even tho not being able to teach seemed to make it wors#but i was a lot younger than. so i guess it makes sense i wasn't told the whole story#and my mom also brought up how hard she 'fought' at another school. i think thats where she taught before we moved to our current city when#i was 4#and then my mom comes into my room and says she thinks she needs to spend a weekend with my grandparents (her parents)#and then she left.#shes never done that before#and like i said. i dont have an appointment with my therapist. i go every other week#i should have gone this wednesday and i didnt notice there was nothing scheduled#there is what could be an appointment for me coming up maybe but im not sure because in the calendar its under my mom#who also way earlier in this conversation. mentioned that shes reached the point shes trying to get back to seeing a therapist#but the name she said sounded the same as my therapists (tho i dont know if she'd do that? she being either my mom or my therapist)#(like. conflict of intrest or whatever)#and i get why my mom didnt notice this week cuz if u couldn't tell. her week has been busy and hellish! of course it slipped her mind#which is why im writing a long ass vent about it in the tags on my tumblr account#because i need to say this somewhere or i think i might lose it
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