#i had to go to wor
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Gm, i have been asked to go into work YET A-FUCKING-GAIN :)))))))))))))
#like literally every day im not at work i get asked to come in#and i just dont have time for that#i was supposed to do my laundry yesterday but i had to fill in for someone at work#i was also supposed to clean my room but yet again#i had to go to wor#k#i dont even have clean clothes for work. just a highly vulgar shirt and a skirt#alsolike#my boss always forgets that i will never ever step foot into that building on wednesdays#tony speaks
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Why I Am Not Coming In To Work Today [abridged], Jess Zimmerman
part one | part two
#me when everybody is posting the maple leafs sad narratives and i am furiously generating this like HOLD ONNNN HOLD ONNNNNNN#honestly i could've been SOOOO MEAN about this because i saw this poem & alexandra got the preview on the poetry blog#where i just reblogged the first half of this poem point blank with the tags#kyle dubas#toronto maple leafs#& got yelled at aksdaksf & it literally only didn't go on this blog bc i usually write more & then it was percolating & i looked up the poe#& it was only the FIRST PART i'd reblogged i didn't know there was more & then brain immediately went brrrrr ok time for an edit.#this is a long one lol & i also have no idea if it makes sense to anybody but me but because y'all know me i will always overexplain so!!#my reasoning for the reasons obvi kyle. that's a given i hope he's doing well i hope he & his family r good but man is not coming in to wor#the second edit took me a stupid amount of time bc i am nitpicky but also i learned how to do the layers & transparency from the claude edi#that actually y'all don't know about lmao but i lost my mind when i saw how perfectly those pictures align i was scrolling getty & was like#ok december i'm gonna do a headline one (in my brain with the november/june quote about choosing to die again) w/ maple leafs playoff odds#how they say at winter break you know who's gonna be in the playoffs & who'll win & they thought they had a shot but it's mitchie overlaid#the 2003-04 team who'd last won a playoff round with the atlantic division stats from dec for 22-23 & how long it's been & dec headlines#i wanted breakup/recent/never loved to be a recent trade acquisition somebody who bounced around & somebody else so i almost had simmer#brodie & zar but then i wanted to make murray for breakup at any time &i forgot zar & him were on the pens together &it hit me like a truc#bc there's a photo of the two of them EXACTLY the same so close it's scary of this one but them as pens so they had to be it & i did always#know never loved again was mitchie. sorry. also mitchie in the penalty box the last game but i couldn't find footage of it & this one works#no i could not find a photo of tyler bertuzzi fighting a leaf for a dog looked at me yes i tried.#i almost made the bunting photo jt but instead it's 'bunting a rat etc' anyway the one i really feel unhinged about is dead pets bc at firs#i was gonna make it the handshake line & look to see if the leafs had drafted anybody on the panthers (dead pet former draft pick)#& they had & it was carter verhaeghe & i couldn't get a good pic of matthews & verhaeghe but it's fine bc i thought about the mo/luke schen#narrative (in which they are a perfect d pair long lost) & schenn was drafted by the leafs & that line fits jut trust me. also how i feel#about the kniesy luminous line that one possessed me it had to be kniesy idk why. i almost put gussy as girls are too pretty though ALSO#did u like my joke. daylight SAVINGS time on the goalie. thank u. also my photo magic on the jt (me very poorly editing in him as an isle)#OK ALSO HOLD ONNNNN there is a part two but i have to wait for the Content i want it will come out as soon as [redacted] or sooner#if i get bad at waiting &everyone will pretend like it is always the way it will be once i have the photos i want. speaking of did the leaf#simply not take a team photo this year?? it Does Not Exist for me i have tried very hard to look for it also i'm excited for part 2#one of them is named oh you're so unhinged for this one & the finished product is you're unhinged in ways you didn't even know u were sorry#liv in the replies
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I typed up an impassioned rant yesterday about some family bullshit that I'm in the middle of but by the time I was done I wasn't Yosemite Sam-levels of angry anymore, but just quietly frustrated and sad so I'll post the gist (bc I do still need attention and I think my mom is sick of talking to me)
my cousin's husband's mom had knee surgery on Thursday, but they also left for vacation on Thursday? I guess they thought she'd have inpatient rehab, but said cousin's husband would come home early if needed. well obviously she got discharged to home the next day and I started getting texts from my cousin about how much money flights back were. I told them all I couldn't be the "on-call" person for this but I guess they decided they could just disregard that and now cousin's husband is not coming home until next weekend and I am indeed the "on-call" person for this? which I know from my cousin's husband's mom asking me to do all this shit I said I couldn't do, as my cousin has stopped texting me and her husband NEVER ONCE texted me
#okay this was still a rant lmao but you should've seen the state of the one yesterday. i had smoke coming out of my ears#i just feel so disrespected it's unreal. like i guess i'll just go fuck myself then?#thankfully my other cousin (cousin's brother) is here and he got roped into the horseshit so he's helping me out but this is not our fuckin#job. we're not her children. strong case for having more than one kid tho as backup if your one is a fucking flop.#when i picked her up she was saying she didn't want to stress him out and that he should just enjoy his vacation. well i hope it's the wors#worst vacation he's ever had and he gets stung by a jellyfish and has diarrhea on the plane
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someone commented on an old post of mine that sonia wasnt fridged bc shes relevant to the plot and i have been thinking about it for an hour bc i dont think thats an actual get out of jail card for that .... also ... what does she do? be raurus way to cement himself as da king? give some half assed advice to zelda, that has no pay off unless you count zelda time reversing a bunch of weapons*, and then immediately dies just so zelda can essentially replace her and make rauru regret he didnt stab ganondorf right when he showed up in their temple i guess ?? (which is questionable on its own imo)
(*its not a good pay off for powers she was suddendly revealed to always have had(tm) and also is only ever used to .... welll, get zelda out of the way back in time, reverse a few weapons and .. idk create a ham fisted way to give the player her gimmick?)
even if she doesnt technically meet the requirements(lol?) to be called fridged like .. she is spiritually at least for how irrelevant and cheapely killed off she was
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#totk#idk man#be honest were you surprised by her death?#she first time she appeared she basically had a sign around her that said murder me VILLAIN#also i guess you can count her i guess having never mentioned babies with rauru off screen or sth#bc how would zelda have both their powers beign a super super distant relative#i guess there are ways to do that with other relatives and whatever was going on with the ancient hero (uuuugh) reveal#but the way she said it was like#das our 10 000 times removed grandkid or however that works in english#nhjdfkgfjknkgf#like maybe im misremembering something#but you cant tell me she didnt at least FEEL fridged#like when i saw the cutscene i thought at first oh she was just punched no way shes gonna die from one punch-#-i wonder what she will do no- oh she is dead lol#totk is all just subverting ma expecations by making me hopeful for something interesting only to reveal it is the most boring way actually#i cant get over the intro giving me the tiniest crumb of oh thats how zelda being your companion could wor- aaand shes gone bye bye zelda#for the rest of the game
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a little bit sad @ myself :(
#working on a paper w someone and shes first author so ofc shes doing quite a lot of work and she deserves it absolutely#the 2nd author is a friend i respect deeply and she basically was like. expecting me to do most of the code/data analysis#this friend also gave the first author the first author-ship (she was going to be first auth originally) but when me and the first auth wor#together she sort of takes the coding over entirely and she just said shes gathering the code we need and then were going to hop on a call#like#oh i was under the impression we are doing this tgth whats the point of me being here if we are just using ur code...i feel so useless 😭#good on her + im proud of her but i also wish i had the chance to do more yk. idk#i feel like i havent done enough...yay first publication...
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sometime's I sit and think about how interesting an AU where the curious cat was after Roman instead could be, but then I remember that Roman would just. not.
#it would require a) listening skills and b) talking to the cat#that man his been in survival mode since he was four you think he's gonna stay in the same room as a creepy cat for more than thirty second#CC: “I can make your life wor- wait where'd he go.”#caterpillars dream sequence doesn't work Roman forgot what he looked like as a child#Young Roman: “Look we can forget all about remnent! It would be safe here-”#Roman: “who are you???"#Young Roman:#Young Roman: just drink the tea#Roman: I don't accept food from strang-#The tree itself giving up at that moment: oh FOR FUCKS-#actually I rotate this au in my head constantly#if I had energy I would write like a forty chapter fic about it#I have actually worked out all the kinks it would be very angsty it would be amazing I would have no idea how to end it
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i dont think the fall guy is the best movie ive ever seen or even my favorite. but by god is it the most meaningful to me bc it inspired me to write again after a horrible depression writing slump
#crunchyposts#ttf#tfg#writing#just like.#i got to sink my teeth into analyzing why the movie works and how to adapt it to characters i love and also i got to write#ttf is my child its my favorite work ive done in the world its just got one kajillion pieces of my soul in it#every word in there was kind of ripped straight from my heart and i stuck it on ao3#its my outlet for my philosophy on stories and connection and representation and grief and most of all love. love in every sense of the wor#i love stories so bad dude and i love my friends so much and thats kind of what this whole thing was built off of#maybe i should refine my thoughts here and put it into an authors note when im done lol#anyways. i had somehwere i was going with this i forgot#like i write for fun a lot but i think the best feeling is when i find the words to express exactly what i want to say and the vibe of it#and so these characters become my puppets for my outlook on life and any scenarios i want to see them in#and those are my favorite parts of the story. the parts where if you look too closely you can see directly into my heart#i love analysis i love stories i love philosophy i love deep emotional conversations and this fic is kind of my love letter to all of those#it takes a lot of energy for me to write it bc i care about it a lot but whatever i write next wont be as deeply philosophical and#itll be mostly just like funsies fluff dynamics i think are interesting rather than me exposing my deepest desires to the internet#yeah. i absolutely have to write a more polished version of this one day lol
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Auditory processing issues suck SO HARD. I just spent about 1.5 hours watching the first half hour of a movie on YouTube, because I had so much trouble understanding the dialogue that I kept constantly having to go back and listen again and again and again, look up a transcript of the full film (the transcript contained mistakes, so it wasn't much help), compare and contrast various subtitle files available online, even cup my hands around my ears, etc. Just to figure out what the characters were saying to each other.
And it's not just literally understanding what words they say to each other, oh no. That's only the first step. The next step is figuring out what those characters MEAN when they say certain words. Like when a dude says "You know, I see, like, if we can get successful, it's, like, L-L, man… limos and Learjets," I feel like I'm having a stroke. I have to hit pause and sit there for a sec and ask myself a bunch of questions and do some research online.
Why did he say L-L? Why did he randomly say the initials of the two things he wants? Also, why does he specifically say 'Learjet'? When people dream of having a private jet, don't they normally say 'private jet'? I'd never heard the word Learjet before, so I had to go look it up to try to get more context, but that didn't really help. Is this a music biz reference I don't know? Is this a Canadian reference I don't know? If this happened once or twice during a movie, it would be no problem, but when I'm stopping and going back literally every two minutes, it takes for-fucking-ever to get through the film and my brain is So! Fucking! Exhausted!
I had to stop at about the half-hour mark. I felt like I was about to cry from frustration, so I quit for the night. I'll return to it in a day or two, when I've got a bit more mental energy, and try to work my way through the rest. If I can get through half an hour of film time per day (in an hour or so, however long it takes to get through that much), I can finish the movie in three days of watching. (And this is a movie I really, really WANT to see. I wouldn't waste a moment of my time struggling through it if I didn't care this much about it.)
Anyway. Sometimes when people say they "don't watch movies much", it doesn't necessarily mean they're being elitist snobs or whatever. Sometimes it's just so fucking challenging and exhausting to watch a movie that it leaves me feeling angry at my own body for being a dysfunctional piece of crap. I don't know if this counts as a "disability" and I'm not claiming that label because I don't want to step on any toes, but I have to admit that the mere prospect of watching a film often fills me with dread because it can be so intensely difficult for me (unless I just mentally check out and give up on understanding it completely, which is what I typically do when I'm watching with other people).
#please don't be harsh to me about this y'all :( i just needed to vent#i feel stupid enough already for being so incredibly fucking bad at something as simple as WATCHING A MOVIE#i don't get it? is this an autism thing? or is it an auditory-processing issue only?#tbf it's a mockumentary (hard core logo) and as i said to a friend tonight: that might be part of the problem#i think actors in mockumentaries often don't have an actual script and tend to improvise a lot of their dialogue#which is great for creating really realistic and convincing dialogue#but also often means that sentences trail off or make no sense; words are pronounced weirdly; enunciation is shit; etc.#the actors in this movie are really good in the sense that they're very realistic and it comes across basically like a real documentary#so props to them for that. but jfc. is it just me being shitty at understanding people talking?#or is it that these people do not fucking know how to project and enunciate and open their goddamn mouths when they talk?#and place emphasis in the right place in sentences? AND PRONOUNCE WORDS CORRECTLY FFS???#no i'm not being fair. and i know that. it's not fair of me to blame the actors/characters for my own difficulty understanding them.#but god this is hard for me. kind of ironic that i've studied so many foreign languages and can understand about 10 languages more or less#but i'm almost brought to tears by the challenge of trying to understand what native english speakers are saying in a normal film#there's another line where the transcript says 'as long as we can keep the fuckin' mentals fuckin' together'#but i swear he does not actually say 'mentals'. i listened to that bit so many times!!!#i even sent the link to a friend who confirmed that it didn't sound like 'mentals' to him either. more like 'mantoros' but that's not a wor#anyway i eventually just gave up on that one. i'm done for the night. i need to sleep#might delete this tmrw bc it feels stupid to get this down over literally just trying to watch a movie :( but i had to let off some steam#if anyone has a CORRECT transcript of this movie anywhere (you'll know it's correct if it does NOT include the word 'ryder') pls let me kno#that would help a lot with my future attempts at finishing it. but now i'm going to bed
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I get alone with my thoughts for one second and then my brain goes to the VN love interest route I beat yesterday and I go, "jesus fucking christ what the fuck."
#ramblings#it's honestly funny at how shocking it was to me??? i just did not see that happening#i legitimately said out loud as i was playing it and he was having a rough time that he should kill himself to forever change the directory#of people's lives. and then i moved on because OF COURSE that wasn't going to happen. it was funny to me but the game wouldn't do that#but then he had a mental breakdown and kidnapped someone and tried to kill himself and I??????????????? I still cannot process it? what the#spoilers for an otome game route i guess#not giving any details in case you don't wanna know but i have to say#WHAT THE HELL the fuck what? hello? get therapy? hello? how did that lead to a good end where nothing else was confronted? hello? are you o#li: i'll kill myself if you don't love me. mc: +10000 affection#GIRL STOP you both need to go to therapy what the fuck LMAOOOO what did I play and why did it go that way with no warning??? or maybe i was#warned but i automatically told myself no way i was reading too much into it and they'd never BUT THEY DID WHAT WHAT HELLO WHAT??#my friends got me screaming through out the entire thing in group chat#the change from LMAO he should he deserves to fuck up people's lives to Hahah. Ha? He is??? LMAO??? WHAT HELLO?#i think it was extra jarring because the other love interests pissed me off at least once very bad on their routes but this guy cried early#on and opened up and i was like huh. vulnerability. i like that. and he kept on not making me mad and i was like good for him i hope he wor#s through his issues. the same with the mc. BUT THEY DIDN'T. THEY JUST HAVE THIS VERY UNHEALTHY CODEPENDENCY THAT I THOUGHT THE MC WAS WORK#ON FIXING BUT NOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOO ARGH AAAAAAAHHHH LMAO WHAT THE FUCK#the true route i unlocked fixed some things but they're all still fucked up. i guess they're my blorbo friends now#okay i need this to get out of my system send help
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My first bus was late and hit every fucking red light so I missed my second bus by like 30 fucking seconds
So instead of waiting 45 fucking minutes I’m getting another fucking lyft so I can make it to fucking therapy on time
Fuck
#can u tell I’m mad lmao#the way I got through a Lyft ride last week was I had dance after#now I have fucking 2.5hrs of therapies#I’m going to have a panic attack#I have an hour in between#technically I could go to the gym and run#I should’ve just gotten a fucking lyft from wor#this is so fucking stupid#it’s like 2 miles#but it’s all uphill and it’s hot#and I can’t walk that in half an hr
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just filled 4 grids in half an hour...years of crossword database maintenance finally paying off
#it's not much but it's honest work and it takes fucking forever#someone give me a master's degree in delayed gratification#cruciverbs#then i had to do maybe three months' worth of maintenance all in one go because i have been so behind the last few months#that i didn't have to time to do it as i went along#but even that only took 40 minutes!#i'm looking through today's list of removed words to see if there are any really comical ones i could tell you about#nothing really. idk what thiocyanate is doing in here like come on antony when am i gonna be putting that in a crossword#oh but carillon is on here. which is only funny to me and only because i just looked it up yesterday#because it was in a baudelaire poem#incidentally two of the words i adjusted the weight of were baud and bauds. and guess what word is between them#small wor(l)d...
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heid / age 24
(( did i tell u guys i'd actually made some significant progress on my rpgmaker game about heid's past crew / him as a young man? this is like a TINY graphic used in game but I actually really like how it looks. owo more in taggos i miss u guys ))
#(ooc)#(youngverse)#(muse)#ive made a tileset - all character sprites#and ive actually reshaped it to be a unique story in a unique world#because i figured fuck it#i turned heid into an oc and have totally scrapped all traces of the ffvii universe#ive done SO much work on it#im sorry ive been so absent here im still adjusting to wor#have had some mental troubles so am going back on meds#and just yeah - times have been a little all over the place#i hope to be back around again in like a good few months im not sure when#maybe december time?#i love you all and miss you all
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i gotta say 99% of the time i'm like be cringe be free but. not when it's on my fyp and i have to look directly at it
#avery.txt#i block so many ppl now bc i just. did we watch the same show??????????#like ok i just. i'm sorry but spn is not a gay show. like i keep seeing this post that calls it a gay show and What Are You Talking About.#lord knows i headcanon most of those people as queer (or at least entertain the idea of them being queer) but like. come on#someone described the show as 'written by white liberals with conservative trappings' and yeah. that.#there are definitely scenes that can be (easily!) interpreted as being queer-ish and i definitely do that! but like. man.#i just remember when i first started watching kinda going into with an idea of it solely based on tumblr and i was WRONG.#it is BETTER THAN THAT. it's not a masterpiece by any means. but it is so much more interesting than i was led to believe from my exposure#*to it when i was a teenager. and tbh i'm glad i actually saw the show now bc as insufferable as i am about it i would've been so much wors#*if i had watched it when i was 15. carrie anne and i have discussed this lmao
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Understandable Sanderson has Roshar lacking in gunpowder because that's his Highest of Fantasy kind of setting, even with the now introduction of airships throwing it head first into techy magic. However, imagine how imposing shardbearers would be if they fucking used a pirate cannon as a normal gun.
#this post brough to you by 'thundershard' a scrapped fanfic idea i had about ranette going to roshar to sell guns#cosmere#cfsbf#stormlight#stormlight archive#the way of kings#twok#words of radiance#wor#oathbring#rhythm of war#row
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you ever think you're doing amazingly and then one day pulls the entire thing apart and you've gone back three steps and feel like shit again
#tw vent#vent post#some weight talk#i'll be fine in a couple of days but I had a really shitty day today#its making my anxiety spike again and my thoughts are spiraling a little#ive been so happy and finally felt like the things that I love doing weren't a chore anymore but now my parents are forcing me to go when i#not up that level again yet. but they are making me go anyway even though im incredibly self conscious about that day of high-intensity wor#because i haven't done it for three or four months and have lost a lot of my fitness#and i made an offhand comment earlier how ive gained a bit of weight in my thighs cause of it and then my dad said that I was#talking about it and im not going to lose the weight if i dont go. it was non-malicous and true but it still made me feel like shit#and were doing a fitness section in pe atm and that's making me feel like shit too#like ive only gained a couple of kilos and don't care about that at all. I care about the muscular strength and endurance I've lost#so now im shit at the thing I used to be really good at#just because i lost the momentum to go for a few months#that on top of other shit happening to friends etc and also end of year exams coming up is not making me feel great
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I confess, I am... kinda excited ; w ;
#sometimes i feel like all i do is just work and survive#once in a while get myself a takeout#i work so much and what for#i never buy anything it's so depressing to think about#since bookdepository closed even my occasional 'buy a book i'd never read' shenanigans stopped#i was lately contemplating buying a new pc‚ and while that's undoubtedly a treat‚ it does fall within my very strict:#'a useful electronic' category of allowed expenses#like i was wondering between ps5 / pc but again those are planned for for years now‚ and hardly can be called 'indulgence' given how#one is for work and the other is years overdue since i was waiting for it to be less expensive..#ah‚ i babble 🙈#i did decided i will not share this irl though#i figure‚ i want it to be my private little positive treat#without the unnecessary opinions about how a 'book is not worth that much'#i mean i agree but did you see the book#it's the sexiest book i've ever seen in my life#i am not sure if i'll go ahead and get oathbringer in a few years#but wok-wor are literally the two books i love the most#my most beloved#my light in the dark#-coughs- ok ok.#yeah.#this is the most you heard me babble here in a while -laughs-#i've had a rather rough few weeks and has not been present the way i wanted to be-- those i have not yet answered to-- i will-- soon.#buns.txt
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