#i had to compress everything so much tumblr why do you hate me

[kusanagihaku]

magic cards series: hotarubi

tumblr ate the quality zzz have the pngs instead ヽ(´o｀；

[uwuwriting]

Denki, Dabi and Bakugou in a secret relationship

Request: hii!! i loved your post about the secret relationship being exposed and i was wondering if you could do the same for dabi bakugo and denki - anonymous

Um this was supposed to go up yesterday, I had queued it but tumblr decided to just deleted. Oh well. I hope you like it you guys even though its a day late. This was fun to write. Love ya. 💖💖💖

rules

warnings: some sexy times mentions, fluff

Kaminari Denki

-Kaminari is an idiot.

-I don’t even know who you’ve managed to keep your relationship a secret.

-90% sure the whole school knows and just pretends to be oblivious. 

-Anyways.

-It kinda bothers him that he has to keep it a secret. 

-He wants to scoop you up and spin you around in the hallways, hug you after a really rough training session with Bakubro, kiss you when you are being extra extra cute. 

-Plus he wants to brag to the other idiots for getting a girlfriend first. 

-But alas he respects your wishes and tries to keep it all under wraps. 

-Your parents are pro heroes and have warned you about the dangers of dating since you are their kid. 

-Villains wouldn’t hesitate to threaten you with your significant other if it means they’ll get to your parents. 

-So now Kaminari is stuck sneaking in your dorm late at night only to spend a few hours with you and give you as much kisses as he can fit in the little time you have. 

-Surprisingly he has kept it a secret for almost a year now. 

-No slip ups, no marks on his skin after a spice night, none of your clothes could be found in his room whatsoever.

-Apart from his usual flirty nature towards you, there was nothing that could indicate that you two were an item. 

-Now being in your third year, things had gotten rather serious with your hero works.

-Most of you if not all had been working along side a pro hero for the last year or two but that didn’t mean they would take you in after high school. 

-Every student had to wait for the acceptance letter from the agency or an agency in general and they would be set for their hero work after school. 

-You had been working with a hero agency since your first year and you were pretty happy. 

-But the pro hero you had been with decided that after you were done with your hero studies, he would retire leaving you with no agency to boost your career after school. 

-Kaminari was as devastated as you were.

-He tried comforting you as much as he could, extra hugs and kisses, more snacks and movie nights, anything to help you cope with the fact that you would be back to the starting line once school was over. 

-He hated seeing you cry. 

-Then the unthinkable happened. 

-Mt.Lady was a well known hero and one with a desired sidekick position that no one seemed to really fill. 

-You had just helped her stop a major villain attack tricking the villain and capturing him before he could do any real damage in the area. 

-To say that Mt.Lady was impressed was an understatement. 

-She contacted your hero agency and asked if you had already signed a deal with them.

-You can see where this is going.

-When you got the notice from Mt. Lady’s agency you were over the moon and so was Kaminari. 

-He was so happy that the person he loved the most was finally getting what she deserved. 

-He had dragged you to the janitor’s closet to give you his personal congratulations, catching the attention of a certain red head.

-He kissed you like there was no tomorrow, his arms keeping you as close as possible, flush to his chest as he peppered your face and neck with feather light kisses. 

- “I’m so proud of you babe!”

-You tried to keep your giggles on the down low to no avail since Kaminari’s goal was to make you laugh. 

-For a long moment you didn’t care if someone found you, you were so happy and so comfortable in Denki’s arms that you didn’t want to leave the closet and go back to your hidden lives. 

-Then you saw the light coming from the door, getting ready to lightly scold Kaminari for leaving the door open when you made eye contact with Kirishima......and Mina ..... and Sero..... and somewhere in the far back with a pair of ruby red eyes.

- “Babygirl is everything alright?”

-He hadn’t seen them yet, then he followed your line of vision and the man has never yeeted you out of his arms faster in his life.

-Your friends just stared at you in complete shock for a full minute before Bakugou broke the silence. 

- “Oi you own me ramen Kirishima.”

Dabi

-With this guy I’m not surprised that you managed to keep it a secret. 

-Oh no no no.

-I’m surprised you managed to get him into a relationship.

-It wasn’t easy though you would give him that. 

-You were part of the LoV of course and well you didn’t really take any of their shit. 

-The only person you respected was Kurogiri and that was borderline pity. 

-He had to babysit a 20 year old killing machine with issues, many issues, many many issues. 

-When Dabi approached you with his signature flirty and I-only-do-one-night-stands-babygirl attitude, you being the idiot that you are took the bait.

-The LoV knows of yalls nights together but they only thought that that was it.

-Dabi slept around and you were a really attractive person. 

-Plus they knew you both were bored so sex was, to their eyes, the only solution. 

-What they didn’t know though was that Dabi was starting to catch feelings and soon enough he hated seeing you remotely talking with another human being. 

-Then that fateful mission happened and the deal was sealed. 

-You were spying on Overhaul and his lackeys, hidden in his underground lab watching as they went around doing stuff.

-Then you heard a childish scream and it was the first time Dabi saw fear flash in your eyes. 

-You turned around following the source of the screams absolutely ignoring Dabi’s protests and threats. 

-It was like you were in a daze and Dabi felt the terror sink his claws in his throat as you passed by so many of Overhaul’s members nearly getting caught. 

-When you reached the glass door that led into Eri’s experiment lab, he saw the color drain from your face and your knees buckling. 

-He caught you before you hit the floor dragging you away from the lab door despite the fact that you clawed at his coat to put you down. 

-He felt his shoulder getting wet and that’s when he saw the tears that were falling freely down your cheeks. 

-He had managed to calm you down long enough to convince you to leave before you got caught but luck wasn’t on your side when one of the lackeys spotted you. 

-Dabi was a few feet away from the exit, becoming reckless at the sight of freedom not noticing the masked individual pointing his gun at him. 

-You noticed though. 

-And you got in the way, pushing Dabi to the ground as the quirk cancelling bullet pierced your side leaving you to fall to the floor with a grunt and a strangled pained moan.

-The next few minutes were a blur.

-Dabi didn’t remember how he got you out of there or how he was now on a rooftop with you pressed flush against his chest as the affects of the bullet made you tremble. 

- “Shh doll, shhh. I’m here I got you.”

-He knew your trembling was not entirely because of the bullet, he saw how your eyes glassed over at the sight of Eri back in the lab and he knew that this had something to do with your past. 

-He used to get the same glassy eyed look on his face when he would see Endeavour on the news shortly after his “death”.

-Things changed after that. 

-He didn’t take you to the hideout that night, he brought you to his apartment where he helped you clean up your wound and calm down. 

- “I know it’s not my place to ask but what the hell to you happened back there?”

-When you explained what you’ve been through and how those screams brought back things you thought you had long ago buried, he was left gawking at you. 

-For some weird reason he believed that you were just a brat who ran away from home on some rebellious whim. 

- “Ugh what am I saying? You don’t give a damn! Why did I even-”

- “Touya.”

- “What?”

- “My real name is Touya, I-I wanted you to know.”

-Sharing a heart felt night analyzing your past trauma with someone you sleep with is one way to get yourself into a relationship.

-You both agreed to keep it secret and you did keep it like that for a long time, a very long time. 

-The LoV never truly found out. 

-Some had their suspicions sure, Mister Compress had even made a bet with Toga but you two never gave them any further hints apart from the constant paired up missions you went on. 

-The only one who knew was Kurogiri. 

-He had caught you two spending the night together on a rooftop, all cuddled up together your hands intertwined as you looked up at the stars. 

-He was getting back from an emergency snack run when he saw the familiar glow of Dabi’s blue flames and your characteristic giggles. 

-He never said anything and when Dabi came to him to ask for some pregnancy facts, he knew that he truly loved you. 

-No one ever knew and no one will ever know. 

-Unless the run into you two in five years while you’re out for a walk with your son. 

Bakugou Katsuki

-Sparky sparky boom boom man is a lil bitch.

-Don’t try to argue you know that too. 

-You just need to accept it.

-His way to approach you was by insulting the living shit out of you before making you reach the tip of an anger fit. 

-He knew how to press your buttons and it made you fume. 

-You had to give it to him he was hella attractive and his true personality shined through his faced at times. 

-And so did his worry for you.

-You got together after his kidnapping. 

-He suffered from nightmares after the incident and one night he came to your dorm, trembling and cold sweat running down his spine. 

-He had no idea why his feet led him to your room, he just knew that you were now wrapping him in a fluffy blanket and putting on a Disney movie as you hugged him so so tightly. 

-He slept over and the next morning he confessed. 

-Actually you both confessed but those are useless details. 

-In reality it wasn’t even a confession with words. 

-You both woke up facing each other, your noses touching and I don’t know who leaned in first but next thing you knew you were kissing his hand cupping you cheek while the other intertwined with yours. 

-Keeping your relationship a secret with this one is easy. 

-He is still being a lil bitch to you and you are still sassing him back.

-Behind closed doors he is kinda sweet and caring not a lot though because even with you he has to uphold his reputation. 

-After some time though he calms down and is a cuddle bug. 

-Like he will tackle you on the bed the moment you close the door to his dorm, restricting any movement until he is satisfied with the cuddles. 

-Baby even said ‘I love you’ first awwww!!

-He was so shy about it. 

-Anyways.

-That’s a story for another time. 

-He doesn’t really care about keeping it a secret anymore. 

-He’s low key tired of hiding. 

-Much like Kaminari he wants to kiss you whenever he wants, hold you and hug you till you can’t breathe after he gets back to the dorms after a rough patrol with his hero study. 

-But oh well the cat isn’t out of the bag yet and you being third years now you couldn’t really do something about it. 

-You spend so much time with him that you would think that some of your classmates would like sniff you out. 

-But no.

-They all dumb af.

-You would spend a lot of time with him and the Bakusquad since your first year so they just think you’re really good friends. 

-Todoroki kinda knows but he doesn’t at the same time. 

-Some mannerisms remind him while he was in a secret relationship before Momo found out but then he sees how Bakugou treats you just like any other person so he is really confused. 

-More confused than usual. 

-Now you got outed by the man himself. 

-Bakugou is not good with jealousy. 

-Jealousy and Bakugou should never go hand in hand.

-You were talking to Mina in class, leaning on the desk behind you. 

-Your skirt had ridden up show casing your thighs making Bakugou think back to some noises you made a few nights ago. 

-If he got hard he would blame you and he would be extra pissy. 

-He was enjoying the show though. 

-He watched you like a hawk.

-The way your body leaned back making your legs straighten and flex slightly or how he could see the hickey he had left right at the base of your neck the other night that you’ve tried to cover with make up. 

-He could see it because he knew it was there, to an outsider everything was normal. 

-He was jolted out of his daze by Mineta’s voice. 

-And the sound of your name on his lips. 

- “Look at Y/N’s thighs! She could suffocate me with those legs and I would thank her!”

-Kirishima smacked him upside the head trying to shut him up. 

-Kaminari was slowly escaping the scene because he saw the small sparks in his friend’s hand at the comment. 

-He chose life. 

-Mineta though didn’t stop. 

- “I could lose myself between those legs. Oh the noises she must make.”

-Now what happened next is a huge question mark. 

-The end result however was Mineta almost being blasted out the window and into space and Bakugou almost popping the vein on his forehead. 

-You had to get in between them and try to calm down your boyfriend. 

-Most of your classmates had long forgotten Mineta and his whining and had zoned in on your hands on Bakugou’s chest or on his arm that had wrapped around your waist in an attempt to push you behind him. 

- “You ever dare speak my girlfriend’s name I’m blasting you to the next dimension.”

- “Katsuki please calm down it’s fine.”

-Legit you both forgot that your relationship had been a secret for the past three years. 

-You floated back into reality when Present Mic himself asked. 

- “YOu TWo aRe aN iTeM?????”

-Chaos ensued and a crap ton of explanations. 

TAG TEAM AY:

@iwaqchan​ @the-arcana-fan-fic​ @angelwritings​ @axerrri​ @reinyrei​

[enigmaincrimson]

I think the problem people tend the have with you is the fact that you tend to guilt trip the dash on a constant basis along with the fact that your character/characters can borderline godmod at times. Then there's the way of rambling incoherently while blowing other people off and just holding a conversation by yourself. I think these reasons can put people off from interacting with you and even speaking with you and despite this being pointed out to you, you still keep doing this.

It was never my intention.

Maybe I've been sitting in the silence with my own thoughts for too long... all I see to do these days is sit and curn around violently while constantly worrying about saying the something in a way that it isn't clear or understood.

It's not that I don't want to hold a conversation... it's more that I'm afraid I messed up what I said and end up flailing wildly trying to find a footing that I'm not even sure is even there.

After all, its not like people haven't already judged me before they even met me. I don't think the same as you do and maybe I have a terrible time expressing my feelings and getting my thoughts across.

I rarely ever speak that much because it feels like I'm stuck in a mad delirium... like a spring compressed tightly and never allowed release. Every single word I say feels like someone I know might get hurt because some idiot with a grudge over the color of a theme I used five years ago might start the whole mess all over again.

Did you ever think to ask if the other person is hurting as well? I have, many times... but my words are never heard... so I have to watch everyone struggle in pain while all I can do is trash about and scream at nothing.

When I say that I am not happy when other people are not happy... I am not sure how else to put it. There's so much I wanted to share, but I'm forced to keep silent to the point I could burst.

Every day I constantly wait, fret and stew as I wonder about the wellbeing of my partners... yet I cannot speak to them because they are no longer there. I mourn their loss every moment of every day... yet I normally keep that to myself because saying about it could hurt them.

Every single message I send, I wait for the bomb to drop because the person I might have approached might have known someone who suddenly decided that I was the scum of the earth over something as petty like the wind was blowing in the wrong direction that day and somehow it had to be my fault.

Both me and pat partners been blacklisted, message bomed, tag bombed, had threads stolen, blamed for hate anonymous, impersonated, and more just because someone didn't like what faceclaim I was using... and honestly. They're still around looking for an existing to write more callout posts just because they decided that I was the source of all of their problems and me committing suicide would be the best thing that could ever happen to them.

Not that IRL has been any better... it's a wonder why I haven't done what they wanted to happen and just curled up and died already.

Sure, I don't hold grudges, I try to move on and forget, but they definitely do not want to let things go. I could never forgive myself for hurting another person, even if they deserved it... you wanted me to speak, so here I am speaking. You have no idea how long I sit here in silence... just wishing and hoping that just maybe one of the few people that were willing to see me as something more than a cheap novelty to pass the time or pad their own egos would come back.

However, they rarely do... and I just keep waiting, trying to reach out... trying not to get hurt again. However, I doubt you'd even care to comprehend even a little of what I'm trying to say here. The person I am most angry at is myself. I can't be perfect or flawless, I don't have much to offer either... yet everyone seems to ask so much.

So tell me this... did anyone ever ask you if you were in pain? Or did you ignore them like everything else?

I've tried so many times to be there... but here I am... still waiting, watching, and hoping. I'm not allowed to have a voice it seems... and I've tried to hard to give everyone the time and space they asked for... but most never even try to speak to me in the first place.

Maybe I am just a waste of time and space... maybe I am the creep of an asshole everyone makes me out to be. Everyone keeps putting up walls these days and wonders why nobody comes. Who cares what this hated old relic has to say... did anyone ever ask why that is so? No, they never did.

Maybe I am going insane after all these years of having to deal with being treated like trash... but you don't go into people's inboxes and try to dictate everything about their lives and then try to rally people to your cause when they say no. Especially when it is something they have little to no control over... like how Tumblr likes to eat messages or the app likes to crash and act up.

Did anyone ever ask for my side of the story through all that is happened? No, very few have. I'm the bad guy by default because the other guy has pretty pictures and everyone pays homage to them like they didn't just stick a knife in their back not that long ago.

Seriously though, even if I could provide evidence of what is going on, I couldn't use it because everyone has already decided on the verdict and proving your innocence just makes you look more guilty... same goes for trying to resolve the issue more peacefully... since people like that want your head on a pike as an example and if they can't get that, they sure will try to make sure that you won't get a fair trial.

So yes... I do sound paranoid, but with my track record... online and off, it's well earned.

And no, just because you pushed someone through a church window and it broke doesn't mean that you have the right to beat them to death with sticks and stones... or hunt them down every Sunday when that didn't work as planned.

You don't blame the rock for the thrower"s actions. Even if the rock happens to be another person who just happened to be there.

And yes, I sound crazy... but it's not like most of you even cared to listen.

Go ahead and be angry at me if you want... just try to remember that it is my first instinct to put myself in harm's way in some clumsy attempt to shield others.

Hate me all you want, it's not like I feel much anymore.

[divine-motion]

don’t fucking interact if you ship t/cest and minor/adult ships

more shitty phone photos of sketchbook sketches for my tmnt fan incarnation/tmnt 2012 rewrite bc i have no shame and i’m having fun with it! pictures should have captions since i spent time writing them out, but tumblr might mess it up, so in case captions doesn’t work: 1. left to right: leo, donatello up, raphael down, michelangelo 2. Casey Jones up top, April O’Neil to the right, donatello in the middle and karai at the bottom 3. casey and don again, raphael to the left, mikey at the bottom just bc i liked how their their expressions turned out and didn’t want a bunch of negative space so don and case appear again 4. size chart featuring turtles. left to right: leo, don, mikey, raph 5. sketchy Slash design. big boy.

general thoughts character stuff below the Keep Reading. A Lot of rambling below so beware!!

April: 15 years old, trans and bi. local fifteen year old telepath finds out that not everyone is able to feel what other people are feeling, something she’s been able to do since she was six after she played in that one weirdly glowy puddle (early Kraang mutagen attempt that only managed to mutate April in the sense that it gave her telepathy, was originally intended to make humans become part of the Kraang hivemind). she’s largely unfazed by the existence of mutants and aliens, taking it in stride, and finds out about the Kraang - and meets the turtles - while snooping around TCRI business (aspiring journalist that she is) and accidentally witnessing the mutation of Snakeweed. her telepathy, which later as she grows in power alongside the turtles extends to telekinesis and basically possession, is very useful whenever she gets into a scrap since she can predict what moves her opponent will make, thus letting her dodge their blows effectively. personality wise she is a very determined and driven young girl, incredibly curious (and cannot mind her own business, she wants to know all the drama while not having to be part of it... which makes her very fortunate to be a telepath. listen she’s 15 she’s allowed to misuse her powers a little bit. as a treat.), playful, and cheerful, and she’s an extroverted autistic. in her spare time between her studies, she likes to play bass, sing, read, and write. that, and investigating whatever shady business is going on in town, and she makes it very clear to the turtles that even if they weren’t going to deal with the Kraang, she’d continue to try to stop them herself. she would like to not live under the threat of her or her loved ones getting mutated, thank you very much! and, you know, it’s kind of exciting. kind of.

i know it’s bc i have brain issues when it comes to parent figures but i am very much leaning towards Splinter not being... a good dad. i don’t think 2012 Splinter is a good dad anyways but i’d probably amp it up, make him a mix of 2012 and idw probably. i’m still mulling it over but like, remember in the season 1 finale when leo is watching his show and thinks the captain guy making a totally unnecessary sacrifice is a heroic move, and then Splinter tells leo (his fifteen year old child) that leo should know what or who to sacrifice, more or less telling him to sacrifice his brothers’ lives, potentially?? i know there was a lot at stake but hello??? i remember watching it and being like me: ah i see, this is showing that splinter is wrong and there is no need for any sacrifices as seen in the show when the captain Goes Down With His Ship for no reason other than just sacrificing himself, and leo will see that- leo: *tries to sacrifice himself twice in the finale, both times being kind of unnecessary/seemed like if he had just hurried or done something slightly different there would be no need to stay behind, and he gets out fine with no consequences, seemingly no injuries, and does Not learn anything, his brothers don’t even get sad when they think he died or get mad at him for pulling such a dumb move) me: surprised_pikachu.jpeg

like that moment haunts me. has any other splinter told their sons to sacrifice himself or his brothers? has any other splinter put that on them??? idw doesn’t count if he has bc he’s more explicitly supposed to be bad so???

sometimes writers think they’ve made an uncle iroh but they really, really, really haven’t. also his backstory is the same as in the show

anyways. Donatello: 15 years old, bog turtle, nonbinary (he/they, doesn’t mind being called brother but doesn’t like to be called “boy” or “girl” or whatever), bi. he isn’t in love with April. no creepy incel shit here. donnie is instead more like a mix between his Rise and 2003 self. he has trouble expressing himself and is pretty introverted, but he is very altruistic, kind, and compassionate. a lot of his inventions are made to help people and he was driven to learn about science and engineering because he wants to find a way to reverse splinter’s mutation, to give splinter his life and humanity back. he feels like he needs to know if splinter would just abandon them if he wasn’t a huge rat man, needs to know if there’s any part of splinter that blames them for being constant reminders of his mutation. other than that, he also likes to make inventions because he’s a dreamer and wants to experiment to see how much of the unknown he can push beyond. also, the best liar out of the turtles. also fairly good at compromising and prefers to solve conflicts without violence he can get a little... “obnoxious 15 year old genius” at times. even when he’s helpful it can come off as a bit “poor dear isn’t as smart as me”, and while he usually gets along well with Raph, he doesn’t handle Raph’s temper well at all (calls him “Wrathael/Wrath” and thinks he’s being super clever) and gets really dismissive of Raph’s “outbursts”.

Michelangelo: 13 years old, diamondback terrapin, unsure about the gender and sexuality thing but he doesn’t think he’s exactly cis and definitely not straight. a bouncy ball of sunshine and surprising emotional maturity and emotional intelligence! more so than his emotionally constipated brothers, at least. it’s on his thirteenth birthday (it was leo’s idea for them to pick dates that would let them have their own birthdays instead of sharing the “Mutation Day”, Mutation Day being another special “holiday”) that the Plot would be set in motion, as he’s finally allowed to go to the surface same as his brothers, and on this first night out they meet April and the Kraang and other mutants. he is a goof still, but he’s capable in his own right and gets frustrated when people treat him like a baby or an idiot because he’s not. he doesn’t always treat everything with the seriousness it should but like. he’s thirteen, he’s having fun. even so, he’s very insistent of taking responsibility whenever he does do something wrong and gets mad if someone tries to take the blame for something he’s done. definitely the most compassionate and empathetic out of the turtles, he’s quick to make friends and is very persuasive due to his earnest nature and good heart. much like donnie, he prefers to solve conflict without violence but does enjoy knocking skulls a lot more than donnie. unlike donnie, though, he is almost overly forgiving and not petty at all. he’s well aware that his kindness and forgiveness may be taken advantage of, but he still likes to approach people with an open hand, even if he knows that it may end up getting bitten. oh, and his hobbies include drawing, cooking, singing, and dancing. he likes to express himself!

Raphael: 14 years old, mississippi map turtle, trans, bi. all his fury is compressed within his tiny body, that’s why he’s so angry all the time! no, he’s not angry all the time, but he does have a short fuse. he absolutely hates his anger issues which leads to a lot of self-loathing, and a lot of frustration as his family members either don’t take his anger seriously or don’t have the tools to help him with it. he’s the physically strongest out of the bunch and the least agile. he loves animals and plants a lot and keeps a lot of flowers in his room, hoping that he can one day become a gardener. as his idw self, he wants to watch things grow, but no matter what he does he seems to be best at destroying things. he’s also the one most self-conscious about how the human world perceives them, as he greatly fears rejection, and is the first one to see something positive with people getting mutated - namely, that maybe this way mutants will be more well known and finally accepted by society, so he’ll no longer be trapped in the sewer until the end of his days. so yeah, he’s a huge optimist, in truth. also he’s great at knitting - great at creating and taking care of things in general - and there’s no leo and raph rivalry this time around. he can get mad at leo but not really more than he gets with his other brothers.

Casey: 15 years old, nonbinary (they/them), bi. teen vigilante who gets inspired to fight mutants and the big time criminals (no beating up pickpockets or shoplifters or whatever, just the ones that are really hurting people) and gets roped into the turtle fam after meeting raph and becoming unexpected friends (everyone was expecting it, once Casey realized that mutants are people and not weird monsters. well, not all the time, anyways). they struggle a bit in school not because of a lack of trying but a lack of time, as their parents work full time jobs and someone has to take care of casey’s little sister. their parents are very loving, but they only have so much time, so casey takes it upon themselves to take care of their little sister when their parents are busy and/or burned out from work. that, and they run into the classic dilemma of vigilante work clashing with school work. as always, they have a short fuse, they’re pretty cocky, they like beating ass, and they like hockey a whole lot. hockey, vigilante work, school, and taking care of their little sister... yeah, they have a lot on their plate. oh, and making their little inventions like the taser glove and their puck bombs, something that they bond with donnie over.

Leonardo: 17 years old, Central American wood turtle, trans, gay. he doesn’t fall in love with his sister oh my god. ahem. so, leo is raised from the start to be a Leader and has to mature very quickly, learning to be an adult way earlier than he should’ve, and as such he is very stoic and quiet, and doesn’t seem to have any hobbies, instead just doing chores and training almost constantly, and when he’s not doing that he’s reading or sleeping in his free time. he’s incredibly protective of his younger brothers and his other allies/friends, even if he acts distant and detached most of the time, and removes himself from situations where they’re having fun to not be the stick in the mud. he loves his brothers and admires them greatly, believing they could be So Much if the surface world would just accept them, and as a result he tries to be The Soldier so his brothers won’t have to. alas, they still get caught up in the Kraang and Shredder business, which frustrates him internally. he is the best fighter out of the turtles on account of having more years to train (and convincing Splinter to wait a few more years before they got Real training bc Come On Dude They’re Kids) but it’s the Only thing he’s good at, along with stealth and his sharp eyes. he absolutely sucks at talking when it isn’t about a mission or something he can script easily in his head. in his mind, he’s supposed to be more of a weapon than a person, an idea that isn’t exactly encouraged by Splinter... but not exactly discouraged either. his arc would be very paralleled with Karai’s, as they would both learn to hate their dads... also, absolutely down for murder, and a lawful neutral at best, putting his family and friends’ safety above all other things and following a strict personal code. doesn’t care too much for society’s laws, though.

Karai: 16 years old, demigirl, lesbian. same backstory as in the show, she’s born as Miwa but gets taken by Oroku Saki and raised as his daughter. however, she doesn’t exactly want revenge against Hamato Yoshi because she believes that he killed her mother. she never knew her mother, so it’s much more difficult to hate someone for taking her mother away, even if it does mean that she never got to know her mother. especially since her father rarely spoke of what her mother was like, and much more about how much he hates Yoshi. instead, her need for revenge is more for the possibly idyllic life she was robbed of, since she believes that maybe, just maybe, her father Saki would’ve been a kind father that would’ve let her have a normal childhood and not be molded into a warrior from the start if her mother still lived. and hey, maybe Tang Shen would be a nice mom too. being trained in the art of deception, Karai has a tendency to talk a lot and say very little, or at least very little that is true. she is rarely ever sincere and acts as if she’s taking nothing seriously, which is part of her defense mechanism to never let anyone close or see her true self. she mocks pretty much everyone, ally and enemy alike, but especially likes to make fun of her father’s henchmen and is always the first to point out their failures. while she does value honor to some extent, she is a bit “flimsy” when it comes to loyalty, especially after the truth about her father is revealed. when that is revealed, she at first just feels very numb, learning that not only has she been nothing but a tool and a weapon for the Shredder from the very start, but also that the idyllic fantasy where her mother still lived, perhaps her life wouldn’t be so different after all. she looks at leonardo and sees a reflection of herself, that her “real” father chose to train his sons the same way the Shredder trained her. she feels stupid for feeling like she’s been robbed of even a fantasy, but it still enrages her. of course, this also inspires her to stay with the Foot Clan... just to get the kill on Shredder.

... yeah. that got long. ahem. i’m very passionate about this unfortunately!! anyways i might draw/write more for it because no one can stop me and i’m having fun

[haikyuuscreaming]

hi um so no one requested this but like i went through something basically like this and cried a whole lot about it and i dont think its even that angsty or makes sense but i just barfed it up as a vent fic so haha funny imi’s stupid and writes about her emotional exhaustion as an x reader 

heres an unrequited iwaizumi x reader :D (SORRY THIS ISNT FDSKFJ this isnt really a tumblr drabbles its more of an ao3 oneshot so)

(also sorry if none of the fic makes sense or flows well,,, i just wanted to get this out)

-

Ever since your first day at Kitagawa Daiichi, you found yourself with a crush on Iwaizumi Hajime.

You couldn’t help it. As soon as you saw him in your school-orientation group the week before school started, you couldn’t help but feel something more than a friendly glow. You were already sitting with your orientation group, but once you saw him join the group (albeit sort of late), your stomach practically flipped with butterflies.

He even sat down next to you.

The rest of the orientation went more than fine. Your delight when Iwaizumi started conversations with you was absolutely immeasurable. Even when your group was performing normal get-to-know-you activities, your heart seemed to race every time he made eye contact with you.

“Your name’s [Surname] [Name], right?” Iwaizumi asked, tapping his pencil against his desk. The orientation paper had asked for the names of three people in your group.

“Yeah.. and you’re Iwaizumi Hajime…?” You didn’t really need to question it, but you did so anyway to be polite.

“Mhm. Uh-- sorry, how do you spell your name?” Your heart picked up its pace once you heard him attempt to spell it out. To your feeble, gleeful surprise, he spelled it right.

“Oh! Um, that’s actually how you spell it. Thanks.”

“No problem.” He smiles at you and your seventh grade self felt like beaming brighter.

His impression on you had lasted.

In fact, that first impression on you had made your school year much better somehow.

Initially, you wanted to go to Yukigaoka with your best friends, but you ended up getting into Kitagawa Daiichi. You were miserable at the prospect of going into a school without your best friends that had been with you through thick and thin, but you lit up once you saw your schedule and found you had quite a few classes with Iwaizumi.

Throughout middle school, you made new friends and became close with Iwaizumi and his friend Oikawa Tooru. They eventually became one of your primary friend groups: you and them. Your number one best friend though, you found, was a new friend you made, Hanae.

Maybe the first mistake you made was telling her that you had a crush on Iwaizumi.

Okay, well, you didn’t tell her- she found out? Forced it out of you? Either way, not a big deal, you two are basically sisters now. But you did kind of wish she would stop mentioning it so much.

“Look, [Name]-chan~” she would always laugh and point at him discreetly whenever he was in the vicinity. “It’s your future boyfriend.”

It was always the same, every time.

“Would you shut up,” you complain, smacking her shoulder lightly which earned a laugh from her. “He could be listening!”

“Just telling the truth~” Hanae would always flash a smile back.

Things changed, though.

On a hang-out with Iwaizumi and Oikawa, you noticed their glances at each other-- Iwaizumi's being weary, while Oikawa’s was cheeky and sly.

“Hey, what are you two smiling about now?” you laugh lightly. The varied stares they gave you made you quiet down. “No, seriously, are you keeping secrets?”

“Of course not,” Oikawa chimes in. “Iwa-chan has big news though!”

Your heart rate spikes a little bit and you feel sweat beading on the back of your neck. And you're blushing too. Under Iwaizumi's warm, sharp gaze, you feel like melting under his radiance. “Eh? Haji, spit it out!!” Your anxiety falsely passes off as intrigue and excitement.

Flushing a little bit, Iwaizumi scratches his neck and smiles at you, “I wanted you to be the second to know, I have a girlfriend.”

…

You're shell-shocked.

If Oikawa picks up on it, he doesn't say so. “Seeee, [Name]-chan, I know we didn't believe it, but Iwa-chan finally snatched himself a girl!” Iwaizumi responds with a swift punch to the gut.

“I….” you can't find the words. You force yourself to smile like it's the only thing you can do. “Haji, that’s amazing!! Who is it? I didn't even know you had a crush…” Your voice falters but you push your words out as if your life depended on it. How did you manage to sound so genuinely happy when it felt like your entire world was about to crash?

Iwaizumi flushes again and you feel jealousy seep in. You so wish it was you that he blushes for. “Haha, yeah. Oikawa didn't know either for once; I didn't tell anyone, you know? Wasn't really sure yet. But it’s Aika-chan.” The way his face lights up burns a hole in your heart.

He even uses -chan for her. How special. The bitter envy feels like acid rising in your throat, and you feel queasy. Like you could keel over, cry, and puke out your guts.

“Ohhh, Aika-san is cute,” you make yourself say.

(Honestly, you're so good at lying and saying this wrong but right bullshit, you’d think you're a sociopathic robot or something.)

“Mmm… don't get jealous though, [Name]-chan, you're cuter!” Oikawa hums and you laugh loudly, hoping that you'll fake it till you make it. “Tell her how it happened, Iwa-chan. It was hilaaarious.”

The poison in you burns harsher but you nod along.

“Don't tell me what to do, Shittykawa,” Iwaizumi bites almost playfully, before meeting your blank gaze with his kind, gently blazing eyes that always made you weak. Right now, you were not weak in the good way. “Aika-chan confessed to me yesterday near the sakura tree after we had class together… and I don't know, I guess it really clued me in that the feelings I had were real.”

(Iwaizumi looks so happy and content that it makes you want to be happy too, but you honestly feel like doing nothing but crying.)

“Aww, that's so sweet~” Your voice gets softer and you hate yourself so much for sounding weak.

But before either boy can reply, the panic and agony sets in. You feel your eyes glass up and your body tense, and your mind is begging you not to break down.

Unfortunately, they both notice.

“[Name]-chan? Are you okay?? You look kinda sick~” Oikawa sounds cheery and playful but his eyes convey an undercurrent of worry.

And bless Iwaizumi’s stupidly handsome oblivion, he blinks at your worriedly and puts a hand on your shoulder to steady you. “Do you need to go to the nurse? School’s still open I think, and it's right around the corner-”

Fuck him and his mind-meltingly handsome everything. Just his voice and his sharp gaze makes you want to cry harder and collapse to him.

“I-I have to go, sorry guys,” You fucking despise how cracked your voice is becoming as your facade slips. “I promised Hanae that I'd go get bubble tea with her. See you Monday.”

Eyes stinging, you turn as quick as you can and ignore their confused voices.

(The tears flow like acid and you feel like dissolving from the inside out.)

Months pass and you deny your horrifyingly strong yet compressed feelings.

You greet Aika and Iwaizumi in the hallways, and you know that you're happy because Iwaizumi is, and that's honestly all you could ask for your long-time crush (turned bitter love). You even talk to Aika freely during shared classes, just to disguise your depressing jealousy.

Every time you see them share a discreet kiss or grip each other's hands, you genuinely wish you were dying. It sure feels like you are.

(Like you're drowning, like your lungs are burning up and you're begging for oxygen, begging to breathe in Iwaizumi's love that's reserved for someone else. It hurts a lot but he's happy.)

(So you have to be happy.)

Hanae spares you sympathetic looks. “Come on, wifey-chan, you're married to meee. Get over him, he doesn't deserve you if he chose Aika the troll over you.”

“That's mean,” you sigh and crumble onto Hanae. “Aika-san’s nice. And pretty. And talented. It's no wonder Haji would choose her.”

“Stopppp! You’re so much more than Troll-chan, okay?!?” Hanae’s pep talk is brash, but you appreciate the charm. “If Iwaizumi-kun doesn’t see that, I’ll punch him.”

You laugh lightly at the fact that Hanae had talked to Iwaizumi enough to be calling him kun, but your voice is still heavy despite the sentiment. “You're so weird. But that's why I love you.”

“Of course you do~”

On another innocent hang-out with Iwaizumi and Oikawa, you’re met with abrupt news.

“Aika and I broke up.” Iwaizumi mutters softly.

“Eeeeh?!” You’re shell-shocked again, but you'd be lying if you said you were crushed like last time. “But-- but you guys were doing so well! You were the cutest couple!”

“She broke up with him over text,” Oikawa chimes in and you gape as Iwaizumi punches him again. “Two days ago.”

“She what-”

“She said she wasn't ready for a relationship,” is all Iwaizumi says.

You feel heartbreak and burning pity boil inside of you. “I-I’m so sorry, Haji… you didn't deserve that. You'll find someone better.”

Me. It's me, I promise I won't break your heart the way she did, because you're all I ever wanted.

He nods and for the first time in a while, he hugs you tight. “Yeah..”

It breaks you because it feels so good, his embrace warming you.

But it breaks you more to hear him whisper, “I can’t get over her though.”

(You just wanted him to be happy but he can’t. You can’t fix it.)

“You will,” you breathe out, trying not to let the tears slip. “You’re gonna be okay.”

(You know you’re not.)

But you don’t say that when you feel Iwaizumi’s shaky breath and him muttering, “Thanks.”

“Oh my god, [Name], did you hear about Hajime-kun?” Hanae’s alarmed voice three days later makes you concerned.

First of all, Hajime-kun-- “W-What? What happened now??” Nonetheless, panic still seeps into you.

“Aika broke up with him!!” Hanae seems so worked up over this and you wonder, how close is she to him? “Can you believe it?? She really threw away one of the best people in school!”

Shouldn’t I be saying that…? “Yeah, I know…” you try not to sound too bitter. “But like, it’s not really her fault she wasn’t ready for a relationship..”

Hanae huffs and crosses her arms, leaning onto you. “Well, I mean you’re right, but she shouldn’t have signed herself up for it if this was gonna happen. I feel so bad for him.” You’re about to layer on your argument, but Hanae straightens up and smirks. “See, your man’s single. Shoot your shot!”

“Right after a break-up?? Hanae, you’re batshit crazy-”

“Uh, well, make him like you, then shoot your shot!”

Your head and heart kind of hurts from all this talk about Iwaizumi, no matter how smitten you are for him, so you just blindly nod and agree.

It works for the rest of the day until you get home and cry into your pillow, wondering what to do.

Hope is re-kindled into you.

Over the past two-ish months, post-breakup, you find that comforting Iwaizumi makes you feel much better than wallowing in your self-pity. It’s a win-win: you’re putting even more of his trust into you, you two are getting even closer, and this could quite possibly end up in a great situation.

You melt at the sight of Iwaizumi, and every day you can see happiness soak back into him. Every time he laughs at one of your stupid jokes or grins at you while you rant and complain, you feel like your heart stops out of complete adoration of how stunning he is in every way you can think of.

He isn't perfect, but you think he's the perfect match for you.

And one day, at a study “date” (you try very hard not to take that term to heart!!) at a café, Iwaizumi peers up from laptop and gives you his signature, gruff yet content smile and says, “You know, I don't think I need Aika anymore.”

(You want to kiss him.)

It’s honestly been a shitty time for you and your friends, you realize.

Hanae broke up with her boyfriend, as you would have figured over the past few weeks she’s been ranting to you about how annoying and clingy and overprotective he is, but you found that she broke up with him over text. Oikawa went through three girlfriends in a month, to which he pouted and whined about but you knew he was secretly relieved that he didn’t have to carry more burden. And there’s the whole heartache Iwaizumi thing, even though things have been getting relatively better.

(You also realize amongst all your friends, you’re the only one who’s stayed very, very very single. You hope that’ll change soon.)

Things are going absolutely amazing with Iwaizumi. Even Oikawa’s been smirking at you and teasing you about your “true love” (to which you frustratedly deny but you honestly know that it’s just the truth when you consider your feelings for him). The two of you have felt confident enough to spend time with each other at your respective homes without feeling awkward or the need to have Oikawa there to provide a third wheel. You couldn’t wish for anything more.

So now you’re at a family-friend’s party, lounging on the couch away from the scene, on your phone. It’s so loud, but you’re content and refreshed on all the snacks you’ve practically been inhaling. Your phone pings in your hand and you glance up at the notification you’ve just received.

Oh, a text~

It’s from Hanae.

poopy hanae >:)): [name] are you busyyy

YOU: no not really

YOU: just at a party

poopy hanae >:)): OH okay so um can i tell you something but

poopy hanae >:)): i dont want you to get mad or sad ...so please let me just finish my texts

YOU: ?? yea go ahead , ill wait for you to finish :)

You feel kind of nervous once she puts it like that, but you let her continue.

poopy hanae >:)): remember how after my break up i promised i wouldn’t fall for anyone else, not for a while yk? i promised that to me and him: i wouldn’t let my heart get broken or whatever. but i found out that i don’t think i’ve ever really fallen for my ex. i think i just dated him because i felt bad and felt like i had to date him because i didn’t wanna reject him… but it happened still. but i think i’m in love now. honestly.

poopy hanae >:)): i’ve never felt this way around any guy before, not my ex, not anyone. everytime i see him my heart goes crazy, and i want to talk to him all the time. he’s just so perfect in every way. he’s so smart, he’s handsome as hell, he’s strong and caring… and i promised both of you i wouldn’t fall for anyone else but i broke that promise to him, you, and me. and i think you’ve figured out who he is now.

poopy hanae >:((: i’m sorry i can’t help it. i didn’t want to tell you because that would make our friendship weird but i hope now we’re at the stage where we will still be best friends regardless of him. i’m truly in love with iwaizumi hajime and i’m gonna confess to him on monday (tmr). i love him so much but i want you to know i love you more so he won’t ever get in the way of us. ily <3

The more you read the message, the more it makes you want to cry. Your hand starts trembling around your milk tea and you feel your face warm up, your eyes glassing over and your vision blurring. Stumbling your way into the bathroom, you lock yourself inside, staring at yourself in the mirror. You watch your delicate, shaking features in the mirror as the first bitter tear rolls down your cheek. More tears follow.

Sobs wrack your body and hot tears glide down your face, constantly, like a river. Whimpers escape you, and your lips are cracked and dry, and you keep thinking, Why would she do this to me?

YOU: ahaha it’s okay!!!

YOU: a boy shouldn’t get between us, ly :) make him happy

YOU: you desrvee him mroe than anbyody else

You cover your mouth with your shaking fingers in hopes that the others can’t hear you outside over the music.

You pretend it’s fine the next day at school.

Hanae doesn’t even mention it, but she hugs you a lot more and keeps whispering, “I love you”. The bitterness has sunken in a little bit and you resist the urge to tell her, It doesn’t change the fact that you broke me, but you figure that it’ll be okay.

You’ll just lose your feelings for Iwaizumi so she doesn’t have “competition”.

(It turns out to be harder than you think.)

When you see Iwaizumi at lunch, his smile never fails to make you flush a little bit and make you feel so warm and comfy. When he sits down next to you (!! ahhh!) since Hanae was in line for lunch, he makes a sigh-grunt noise as he nestles his chin into the crook of his palm. Oikawa, bless his dumb ass, sidles down next to you, making a dramatic sigh.

“Did you know Hanae-chan confessed to Iwa-chan today?”

You try so, so SO hard not to tense. “Yeah. She told me a few days ago that she- she was in love with him.”

(The way your voice cracks at “in love” is pathetic, you think.)

You don’t miss the way Oikawa’s face briefly flashes a frown at you before morphing back into his signature pretty-boy smile. Iwaizumi looks a little embarrassed to be talking about this but he nods. “Yeah, she pulled me aside right before lunch and… yeah. It was so embarrassing…” You’re in fucking awe of how cute he is even when he’s distressed, but you remind yourself (with a pang of bitterness) that you aren’t supposed to think that anymore.

“And I turned her down,” Iwaizumi continues, and your ears almost fucking pop at the noise. He- how, what? Why? “‘Cause I don’t know, I never really felt that way about her. I guess that’s why she’s been talking to me more and more lately. She said she understood if I wasn’t ready to move on ‘cause of Aika and stuff, but.. she said something like she’ll change my mind.” He snorts and murmurs, “I don’t think that’ll happen, honestly.”

Oikawa laughs, a peppery laugh accompanied with a side-eyed glance towards you. “Iwa-chan, you’re such a brute~ You sure that’s the only reason you turned her down?”

Iwaizumi lets out a snort again. “Yeah.. I’m over Aika now, but I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship. Plus, there isn’t anyone that I like like now. Hanae doesn’t stand out.”

The statement makes you crumble on the inside.

You idiot of a best friend. What good are you if you don’t stand up for Hanae?

But it doesn’t matter! He said he has no interest in anyone, including you. Or her. It’s pointless, futile. He never even considered you.

You’re so stupid, so worthless sometimes. You’re the worst. It doesn’t matter if you would go to the end of the world for Hajime. You have to give this up for her. Fight for her because he would never settle for someone like you.

You fight back the sob crawling in your throat, as your self-loathe and intrusive thoughts rain in. You try so hard not to let it get to you, but still-

It’s what Hanae deserves for putting up with you.

“You should give her a chance,” you force a small smile. “I mean, she’s pretty and smart, you know?”

Oikawa gives you a pitying gaze before Iwaizumi shakes his head, his cheek now pressing against his palm. “Nah. I don’t like anyone in that way now, and it’s gonna stay like that for a while, I’d think.”

He doesn’t like anyone in that way.

You shrug and nod, “Fair enough,” but your voice is so much smaller. You love Iwaizumi Hajime so much, and he’s always been your everything. From his habits to his comforting demeanor and his entire profile, he’s always infatuated you and you know that no matter how hard you deny it for anyone, you will never let go of the feelings that shackle you to him like chains.

You love him so much.

But I guess I’ll never win.

[theshrubbery]

The next chapter of my fic - I’ve been so busy lately moving to uni I’ve barely had time for tumblr (i know, the travesty)

I hope you enjoy the chapter!

SIMON

Baz opens his door with a muted groan but somehow it feels as though he were expecting me to find my way back here. He leans in the doorframe, looking as though he’s aiming for something casual that he can’t quite pull off with the rigidity of his shoulders. His dark hair is mussed about his face, his golden skin glittering in the dim lighting of the hallway. Baz wears a loose-fitting white t-shirt and some pyjama bottoms that hang low on his hips—I think it’s the least casual I’ve ever seen him and I wonder why it makes my heart stutter.

“Snow,” Baz says, snapping me back to the present. Baz crosses his arms and then crosses his ankles, he looks like he’s trying to twist himself into the doorway.

“I can’t stay in that room,” I tell Baz as matter-of-factly as I can manage with the way my mouth has ran dry. I’ll have to make Baz get me a drink, or ask one of his maids or butlers or whatever it is he has get me something.

“I’m sure you can,” Baz replies. I shift from foot to foot for a moment, look behind me down the hallway as though whatever creepy creature-from-the-underworld that was lurking under the bed is going to come barrelling up towards me at any moment to finish the job.

“No, I—I really can’t.” I clear my throat, look at Baz, look away from Baz, look behind me again. “I think it’s haunted.” Baz, the fucking bastard, bursts out laughing obnoxiously at me and I fluster, stuttering to try and explain myself, but Baz uncrosses his ankles and kicks the door further open, rolling along the door-frame and inviting me in with a nod of his head.

I take a tentative step into the room, all too aware of Baz’s eyes on me as I do, as though he’s searching me for a reaction, or maybe regretting ever letting me in his house in the first place.

“You can sleep on there.” Baz gestures to the sofa at the end of his bed. It’s wooden-framed with thick green cushions, it looks like the kind of sofa you’d find in an antique store, definitely not one out the eternal DFS sale. Then I notice something even stranger.

“Gargoyles?” I crane my neck to squint through the dusky darkness of the room to see what are definitely ugly little gargoyles carved into the woodwork of Baz’s bedframe. I’ve always known that Baz was evil, and that, by default, he must have an evil lair in which to do his bidding, but this really was just too much. “What the fuck, Baz?”

“Snow, that bed is older than both of us put together, I didn’t choose to be guarded by fucking gargoyles while I sleep,” Baz says, exasperated.

“You always told me you didn’t have a lair.” I look around the room, take a whiff of the mustiness clinging to the dust and cobwebs.

“This isn’t a lair, Snow.” Baz drags a hand down his face, keeping his mouth covered as he stares blankly at me.

“It so fucking is, Baz, there’s even, like, eighteen layers of dust and cobwebs in here.”

“Snow, are you thick? You do know we go to boarding school together, right? You know, we share a room. As in, how often do you think I’m actually ever in this room, you absolute tit.” I feel the colour rise in my cheeks, a flush of embarrassment and a rush of frustration.

“Fuck off, Baz,” I say, and I hate the look of satisfaction that flits across Baz’s face. We both know he’s won.

Baz walks over to his bed, it’s twice as wide as the beds at Watford, and tosses two fluffed-up pillows at me. Before I can turn to put them down on the sofa, he balls up a thick blanket that was ruffled up at the bottom of his bed and throws that at me too. I barely have time to react before I’m throwing the pillows to the floor and stepping forwards to catch the blanket, which uncoils from the scrunched ball Baz had compressed it into and gets trapped beneath my foot as I step forwards. I fall into the pile of pillows and blanket with a heavy thud and for a moment I’m sure that I’m going to fall through Baz’s bastard floorboards, but, thankfully they hold.

With the blanket partially over my head, I can feel myself gearing up to smack Baz round the face and give him a piece of my mind for being such an ass but then I hear something that stops me. Baz is laughing. As in, genuinely laughing. Even muffled through the blanket, I find that it’s one of the strangest sounds I’ve ever heard. My throat tightens as Baz tries to say something to me, probably to call me a fucking idiot, only for his mirth to bite off the end of his word and swallow his insults in the thick honey of his laughter. It’s endearing, somehow, even if it is at my expense.

I’m not sure what this feeling is. I’m not sure I want to explain it. So I do the only thing I can think to do, rip myself free from the blankets, take up arms with a cushion in each hand, raised above my head, and with a battle cry launch myself into Baz. I feel the impact of his body against mine as I send him flailing down into his bed, pummelling him in the face with my fists of cushioned glory.

“Fuck—Snow, what—!” Baz splutters out, squawking in such an undignified way I almost forget all his prestigious upbringings. I’ve never seen Baz look so unkempt as he does now, earlier when I saw him in pyjamas I thought thatwas the least put-together I’d seen him but this, this is something else. His hair, with no gel to hold it back, falls over his face and around his head in a dark halo, his high cheekbones are a deep, deep pink, and his grey eyes are shining something fierce.

“Die, Pitch! Die!” I yell as I whack him in the face again with a pillow. He barks out a laugh and begins to wrestle me for it. He kicks out his legs and hooks them behind mine, pulling me forwards so I fall on top of him from where I was previously kneeling over him. As my chest thumps against his, I lose my grip on the pillows, mostly out of shock, and he quickly takes them off me, both of them, the twat, and gives me a taste of my own medicine.

“How do you like that then, Snow? Not such a prodigy now, are you?” Baz jeers, rolling us over so he’s straddling me, pinning me to the mattress where he sits on my hips. Baz raises his arm and hits me in the face, the shoulder, with the soft weapon of death, and I raise my arms to try and stop him, I can’t help but laugh. In that moment I forget that I hate Baz, I consider, for a moment, that maybe we can be friends after all.

“Give me a pillow, this isn’t fair!” I cry, grabbling at everything I can reach, which doesn’t happen to be very much, until Baz loses his balance and pitches forwards down, down, towards me. Pillows forgotten, he catches himself with his hands, pinned either side of my head, and, when he looks down at me, it’s with this kind of stricken expression. His face seems to get even redder, a thick vein is beginning to protrude from his forehead. Baz’s breath hitches, and I feel frozen to the spot, unable to do anything but look up at Baz looking down at me. Then his eyes widen almost comically and Baz seems to come back to himself.

“Get the fuck out of my bed,” Baz says lowly, almost spits it, and the moment is broken, whatever kind of moment that was.

“What?” I stutter dumbly for a moment, I can’t understand what just happened, what had caused the sudden change in Baz’s demeanour. He kicks me in the side, harshly, and I jolt up and off the bed, my lips curling back as I glare at him.

“Why do you have to be such a fucking bastard, Baz,” I grind out as I snatch the pillows from his bed, the blanket up from off the floor, and lob it angrily onto the sofa. “I don’t know why the fuck I agreed to go along with this, you’re an insufferable prick.”

Baz at least had the decency not to reply. I fix up my make-shift bed and yank the blanket over me, staring, scowling, into the depths of Baz’s stupid room and wondering why I ever thought fraternizing with the enemy could be a good idea.

BAZ

I’m really letting this go too far. I almost lost it for a moment there, I know I did, seeing Snow pinned beneath me like that was like every wet dream I’d ever had and I was seconds away from kissing him. And, if I’d sat on him any longer than I did, I’d have had a far bigger problem than just kissing him. I’m disgusted with myself. For taking advantage of him like this. For the way even now, my mind is tracing the heavy, solid warmth of Snow pressed against the backs of my thighs. The way he’d lay there, his mouth parted, his lips looking so soft and his skin so flushed and lovely. He’d looked windswept and happy and—God, I need to get a fucking grip on myself before I do something I regret.

I look over towards the sofa, where Snow is laying, and I can tell that he’s stewing. He’s not sleeping yet, but I know he will be soon. I’m in so deep I’ve even mapped his stupid breathing patterns before he falls into sleep. Some nights, listening to Snow’s steady sleep-breathing is the only thing keeping me sane. I just wish I could feel the heat of his breath against my neck as he slept, instead of watching from across the room, in separate beds, aching to hold him close.

This is torture.

But I can’t let myself run away with this, I can’t lose Snow completely, even if to be near him I do have to play the role of his nemesis. Whatever he wants, I will be that.

I sit on the edge of my bed, taking one last look at the tuft of Snow’s curly hair I can see just peeking out from between the blanket and the cushions, and then I get under my own covers, willing myself to dream of anything other than blue eyes and golden hair.

I wake up to the most ridiculously ear-splitting screech I think I’ve ever heard. My heart almost breaks my ribs at the sudden startle as I sit bolt-upright and try to work out what’s going on and why Snow is sitting at the end of my bed and why my sister is standing gawping, pointing at us, in the doorway.

“Mordelia!” I snap. How many fucking times do I have to tell her to knock the fucking door?

“Holy shit,” Snow says breathlessly, clutching at his chest with both hands, sitting hunched on my bed. Why he’s on my bed, I don’t know. Snow always has had a habit of waking up before me, but that’s no reason to perv on me in my sleep or whatever it was he was doing—on second thoughts, I don’t really have a right to say anything there.

“Why is there a boy in your bed, Baz!” Mordelia screeches, her little hand jumping from me to Snow and back again. Suddenly she gasps, her hands flying to cover her mouth. “Are you two doing s—”

“Mordelia!” I cut her off immediately. She’s just a kid, where in fuck’s name did she hear that shit? “Get out right now, what have I told you about knocking?”

“But, Baz, I was told to come get you!” She defended, throwing her hands down to her sides in a tantrum. It’s times like these that I can see just how useless Daphne’s blood is, though I love Mordelia, she will never have the dignity my mother gave me.

“What’s going on?” Snow asks, finally unclenching his hands from his t-shirt. I can see him looking at me out the corner of my eye but I don’t quite feel ready to give him full eye contact just yet.

“My sister, Mordelia,” I say. “Mordelia, meet Simon Snow.”

“Simon Snow?” Mordelia repeats, taking another step into the room and scrutinising Snow like he’s some sort of fascinating bug. “Wait! Are you—”

“Yes, he’s my boyfriend. Now go away, tell father we shall be down shortly, I presume it’s he who sent you.”

“I’m n—” Snow startles, cutting himself off before he can finish the exclamation that was most likely going to deny being my boyfriend. What an idiot. He’s been here a day and he’s already forgotten what the job at hand is. I glare at him, watching the perfect ‘o’ of his mouth as realisation washes over him and he laughs nervously, muttering out a quiet “never mind”.

“Boyfriend?” Mordelia gasps, as though her mind can’t possibly comprehend the concept of me having a partner. My sister hurriedly looks between us one more time and then runs from the room, the sound of her wretched high-pitched yelling pattering further and further away from us as she shouts for Daphne to tell her of Snow. Daphne, of course, already knows. Father told her before she left to collect Mordelia from her own boarding school, a bit cruel, I think, sending a seven-year-old to boarding school but it isn’t my place to judge.

“Shit, what now?” Snow gapes at me. For an alleged genius, Snow sure is a damned dumbo.

“What do you mean, ‘what now’?” I throw my hands up in exasperation, “have you forgotten what you’re doing here?” Snow pauses, his mouth snaps shut. He at least has the decency to look embarrassed.

“Sorry, Baz,” he murmurs.

“Whatever.” I drop my hands against the sides of my legs with a soft pat and begin rifling through my wardrobe for something to wear. “Best get ready for the day.”

“Right,” Snow says. I can feel an awkwardness in the air. Tense and palpable. It’s like wading through molasses. It’s my fault, I can’t blame Snow for what happened last night, so I don’t. But that doesn’t mean I can go soft on him, no, Snow would only think something was wrong if I didn’t act like I hated him in these moments when we’re alone.

It all seems kind of backwards to me. Hating each other in private and loving each other in public.

“I’m using the bathroom first,” I tell him, neatly folding my clothes over my arm and making my way for the door. “Of course, there are plenty other bathrooms for you to use if you fancy taking a gander down these haunted corridors of mine.”

“I’m not scared,” Snow replies too quickly for him to pretend he’s anything but petrified of our alleged poltergeists and the flush of his cheeks proves this.

“Right, sure, well, you go tell those ghosts that, then.” I smirk at him over my shoulder, in that specific way I have cultivated purely to get under his skin, and then close the door behind me. I pretend not to hear the pillow that thuds against the door moments later.

I get ready as quickly as I can, not wanting to leave Snow unattended for any longer than possible. Trouble is, quite simply, attracted to him. He just can’t help but wade through it, and I’d like to get through this week with as few incidents as possible, thank you very much, but halfway through buttoning my deep-green shirt I pause, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly in an uncertain exhale. I hold onto the rim of the sink, leaning over it and staring down the plughole as I try to will myself to get a grip. I can feel an uneasy frustration bubbling through my gut, making me feel restless and irritated. Slamming the tap on, I splash my face with cold water, startling a little at the shock of the cold. The water is always fucking freezing in October. Stupid plumbing.

I take another deep breath and grip the basin again, looking up at my reflection in the mirror, watching the droplets of water dribble down my face and drip off my chin, the tips of my hair.

“Get a fucking grip, Pitch,” I tell myself. I feel like a right arsecrack but it’s the best I can do. Watching my own reflection, I try to school my features into something more…passive. My usual impassivity seems to have deserted me, and it takes effort to stop myself looking so hopeless and pissed off. I give myself a smile, thinking of Snow as I do, just to see what I look like when I think of him.

Bollocks. At least I know my so-called act is believable. If Snow notices anything, I’ll just have to tell him I’m an excellent actor and hope he buys it.

On the way back to my room, I give myself a pep talk, try to make myself more casual, more natural. Basically trying to find a way to hide the fact that I’m in love with Simon Snow from Simon Snow whilst also pretending that I’m pretending to be in love with Simon Snow. It’s kind of pathetic really, but I think I’m making progress.

Then, just when I’ve erased all traces of anger, annoyance, frustration, all of that, I open my bedroom door, take one blasted look at Snow, and it all comes flooding right back. And this is because sitting there, on the floor, is Snow rifling through my hidden articles of my mother’s murder, holding the only photo I have of us together in his hand.

[twisted-trunk]

 I Don’t Have Time for This [A Day In The Life]

I drag myself up from my bed, heaving heavy winter blankets off of me. I take one step away from my place of rest and despair. My medicine, pills placed in two separate containers; morning and night, lay on the dresser that functions more as a tall nightstand. Choosing the one closest to the door, I squint and try to remember the day. It shouldn’t be so hard between taking my meds and keeping my medical diary. Good thing I don’t fully close the tab from the day before. 

I take my medicine: some float on the water in my mouth, some are small, some are big. I down half my water bottle. My heating pad clinks to life as I tap the remote on the cord three times then slink back into place. I maneuver my laptop in front of me, slightly tilted then click on a YouTube video.

The window for sleep is gone. 

I’m tired. 

I open my phone. 

The time flashes brightly at me then gives way to my home screen. I click the weather app. The barometer reads 1023 hPa (hexopascals; normal or one atmosphere is 1013 hPa), last night ended at 1018 hPa. What’s the point in this, I ask myself even as I dutifully record it in my medical diary; I feel like shit either way and it’s been doing fucking backflips. 

Next, I record the time: 6:35. It’s winter. The sun isn’t up. My birds are, for the moment, quiet. The house isn’t awake. Save for the annoying neighbor that straight-piped their muffler, the world is quiet. The fish tank’s filter pours water back down into the tank. Car lights flash on the wall through the slight opening my layered curtains allow. Soon, the sun will come and the light will force its way into my world far before I’m ready. 

I can already tell it won’t be a cloudy day. 

I click a new YouTube video, something’s ought to catch my attention. I pray the depression med will finally do something. I pray the rest of the medicine with do something. The dose of one has been upped, there has to be a difference, right?

Through muscle memory, I click through apps. Weather. Instagram. Solitaire. Tumblr. Instagram. Safari. Solitaire. 

I check the time. 

6:53 am. 

Unconsciously, I sigh. I check my blogs though I know nothing’s new, no one has interacted with them; no notifications tell me otherwise. Still, though, I check. Maybe someone will want to talk with me. I think I expressed that enough? I hope I did. 

I don’t want the disaster or awkwardness from attempting to make conversation first but then really having nothing to say besides please talk to me, give me something, anything, I need something to take my attention away. Let me know I’m not alone. 

7:03 am. 

Light is invading more of my space. I pull the stiff blankets up as a pathetic barrier against it. I exit the YouTube video and search my recommended for something. 

I refresh. 

I refresh again. 

One more time. I click on something. I play with my phone again. The water continues to fall and splash. I open a different app. The noise grates on my thin nerves if I focus on it. I try my mindless games. Nope. 

I flow through Instagram and tumblr and instagram again. 

8:59 am. 

It’s bright and I don’t want to get up but I’m thirsty, and it’s a horrible feeling and my mouth is dry and my doctor even prescribed me to drink more and I don’t want a kidney stone. 

I don’t know how long it takes, but I get up and trample around my bed to fold the curtains in. The best it’ll get. The room is shaded only slightly; more so if it were darker out. Winter, I think, it’ll be darker, I think, but as ever, I remind myself that snow reflects light and it will be worse than a bright summer’s day.  

I grab the same cup I used the day before. My inner germaphobe winces but nothing’s been in there but water; I barely had enough energy yesterday to make myself a small bowl of pasta. 

I throw my forlorn, now warm compress into the freezer and ensure it’s shut with a knee to handle. I hate this freezer. 

I refill my glass and go to the bathroom. 

I come back and stand in front of my bed. Just do it, it think. You’re already up, I think. 

I shame myself into doing my physical therapy—at least the exercises I am able to do. Halfway through my first, I remember the ones I could have done before ever getting up to warm myself up for the rest. That was the plan I’d had for two weeks yet could never quite do it without flipping the order. I’ll lay down again anyway, after this I won’t have much pith and vinegar left. 

I never do. 

A few in, the hardest ones, I feel sick. Whether it be the “exhaustion” or unintentional dehydration or my poor eating habit courtesy of a very sickly stomach, I don’t know. 

I grit my teeth and focus on whatever distraction I’d last clicked on. 

I do some stretches in the middle, finish what’s left of it all while I’m still up. Then I lay down. I open my phone again as I begin this round of exercises and stretches. 

10:15 am. I write down when I started in my medical diary, giving a very wide birth of time considering my... inabilities. 

I click through apps again. YouTube plays in the background. My birds rise to an unknown challenge. I get up and whisper sweet nothings at them, half chiding them for being so damn loud. They direct their complaints directly at me. I give them food and open their cage doors. One flies directly onto my shoulder. Another makes declaration and flies past me to a tall perch. Two others share the same shyness. The rest take their time. Despite the time I’ve spent with them and my attempts at training over the last year or so, the second two flee my attempts to hold them. The last addition plain out tries to bite me. He doesn’t do it hard and still takes my finger as a perch, but his cuddlebug-ness needs direction. Still, he has his moments. I mumble at him and lightly chide him, petting him with my cheek as one hand has my phone and the other is holding him. I set my phone down and make entreaty towards the shyer two. They make exclamation and half hearted attempts to flee. They’ll come around. They all will, eventually. But now I have to lay down again. 

I pause in my room again. I look around. At what, I’m not quite sure, the thoughts come and go, barely a thing left behind. I mull on the thought of food. 

Nah. Nothing’s “ready.” Pulling something together seems too much. I set my cuddle bug on a perch on their birdy playground I have set up in my room. It’s next to the bike I got as an early Christmas present. 

I gather my laptop and make myself comfortable on the bike. I watch a YouTube video, my phone still open on solitaire. 

The video ends. I catch a glimpse of the time: 11:45 am. 

Nearly time to take my midday pills, I think as my legs continue to move and my finger clicks on another video. 

Finally, something catches my attention. 

I still play solitaire on my phone. 

I add a science-y video to my watch list. 

I check the barometer. 

1019 hPa. 

I keep peddling. 

1:51 pm. 

I get up and take my midday pills. 

I blow kisses to my birds as I refill my water. 

I stare at the counter for a minute. Food, I think, it’s about time. I need food. I evaluate my appetite and what my stomach would accept. Spaghetti, I decide. I retrieve my laptop and listen to a tiktok while I wait for the water to boil, and eat. 

I retreat back to my room to lay down and record the time I took my meds and ate. 

I text a friend. Something they say triggers me. I take a breath. That’s not how they meant it, I say to myself and do my best to tone down my response. It still comes off rudely. I hope they don’t take it the wrong way. 

3:47 pm. 

The light has faded some, the shadows have shifted. 

My friend and I make light conversation. Something viscerally in me feels off. It’s like when I dread something. 

I try to distract myself. 

3:51 pm. 

I move back to my bike. 

3:56 pm. 

I keep peddling. 

4:03 pm. 

I keep peddling. 

4:08 pm. 

I keep peddling. 

4:12 pm. 

I keep peddling. 

4:16 pm. 

I refill my water bottle. 

4:23 pm. 

I keep peddling. 

4:27 pm. 

I keep peddling. 

4:34 pm. 

I keep peddling. 

1022 hPa. 

My room is slightly darker than before. A YouTube compilation drones in my vision. 

Tomorrow will be rinse and repeat.

For the nth time, I think about all that I could be doing. I know why I can’t yet I shame myself all the same. 

I find something interesting to watch. 

Then refresh. 

And refresh.

And refresh. 

And refresh. 

I give up and turn to Netflix. 

Nothing. 

Something borderline interesting. 

6:50 pm. 

Dinner, maybe? Energy level? Nada. I’ll think about it later. 

Another video plays. I play on my phone, half interested in everything. 

7:13 pm. 

Dinner? 

I need food, I think. 

Can’t. 

I’ll regret it, I know. 

I’ll probably binge some in the morning whenever I get up. 

I don’t move from my place. I try to down talk myself for bed, for the hope of not staying up half the night. 

I drag myself up from my bed, heaving heavy winter blankets off of me. I take one step away from my place of rest and despair. My medicine, pills placed in two separate containers; morning and night, lay on the dresser that functions more as a tall nightstand. I take my medicine: some float on the water in my mouth, some are small, some are big. I down half my water bottle. My heating pad clinks back to life as I tap the remote on the cord three times then slink back into place. I close my laptop and set it further from me. 

That sickly feeling comes back. 

I realize it’s dread. 

I open my phone. 

[NOTE: this is not about suicide—I noticed after writing this that some things could be taken in such a way, hence this note.]

12/7/20

To those suffering: I see you; I support you; I love you.

~Rosa ❤️

[amalagam]

hello. you Must listen to this gay ass playlist for the ocs who i ship the hardest both of which i’ve had for like a year but haven’t uploaded on tumblr or 8tracks until Now. their names are marjanah halim (the scarred one) and lyn ikari (the big one) and they’re in Love

tracklist under the cut.

los campesinos! - my year in lists

On your request, I compile a list / Of my top five resolutions for this year / I declined 'cause I decided that I do not believe in the New Year anymore / And you must confess that at times like these / Hopefulness is tantamount to hopelessness / I cherish with fondness the day (before) I met you

fall out boy - favorite record

And when you ask, you ask me how I’m doing / Like you know, you know how much better off I am / And when we danced, we danced with windows down / And we danced, we danced

a.w. - how to be alone

Yeah, I’m tired of being angry and I’m tired of being strong / And I’m tired of being treated like it’s me who did you wrong / ‘Cause it’s almost been a year / I still think about that day / How I let you disappear / How you let me get away / No, I’ll never understand the things you could never say

mika - emily

Emily, see the price I have to pay / I would give my life away / If I knew that I could reach you / Emily, why d'you make this hard for me / It’s not the way it’s meant to be / I don’t ever wanna hate you

post malone & swae lee - sunflower

Needless to say, I keep her in check / She was all bad-bad, nevertheless / Callin' it quits now, baby, I'm a wreck / Crash at my place, baby, you're a wreck / Every time I'm walkin' out / I can hear you tellin' me to turn around / Fightin' for my trust and you won't back down / Even if we gotta risk it all right now, oh / I know you're scared of the unknown / You don't wanna be alone

lorde - supercut

In my head I do everything right / When you call, I forgive and not fight / Because ours are the moments I play in the dark / We were wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart

foster the people - sit next to me

Last time I saw you, said “What’s up?” and pushed right through / Then I tried to catch you but we’re always on the move / Come over here and sit next to me / We can see where things go naturally / Just say the word and I’ll part the sea

blackbear - idfc

You been out all night, I don't know where you been / You slurring all your words, not making any sense / But I don't fucking care at all / 'Cause I have hella feelings for you / I act like I don't fucking care / 'Cause I'm so fucking scared / I'm only a fool for you / And maybe you're too good for me

a fine frenzy - electric twist

You should be wilder / You're no fun at all / Yeah, thanks for the input / Thanks for the call / She says "Don't think, don't talk" / But I don't think I want to / 'Cause you give me the electric twist / And it kicks, and it kicks like a pony / And true, you might run away with it / It's a risk, it's a risk, yeah

rival boys - i’ll believe in anything (wolf parade cover)

And I could take another hit for you / I could take away your trips from you / And I could take away the salt from your eyes / And take away the spitting salt in you / And I could give you my apologies / By handing over my neologies / And I could take away the shaking knees / And I could give you all the olive trees

king princess - ain’t together

And all this in between / You think it's hard for me to tell you're fallin' / Oh, we're fallin' / And bein' chill, bein' chill with you / Oh, it kills, I ain't chill at all, at all / We say "I love you," but we ain't together / Do you think labels make it taste much better? / And I can't watch this fall apart

smallpools - street fight

You've been driving through the desert / Talking to yourself / I'm supposed to make it right, so don't leave this way / You've been running with the devil / Swinging at your friends / If you say you're caught in a street fight / You need a lifeline / Go on and use me / I'll be your Bruce Lee

walk the moon - sidekick

And I often wonder why the things that I want are so hard to find / But I often fail to see the things that I need are right here by my side / Something in the air is giving me bad ideas / Something in the air is giving me dangerous thoughts like / Why don’t you stay at mine tonight? / Why don’t you stay with me and be my sidekick?

janelle monae - make me feel

Baby, don’t make me spell it out for you / All of the feelings that I've got for you / Can't be explained, but I can try for you / Yeah, baby, don't make me spell it out for you / You keep on asking me the same questions / And second-guessing all my intentions / Should know by the way I use my compression / That you've got the answer to my confessions

studio killers - jenny

I wanna ruin our friendship / We should be lovers instead / I don't know how to say this / 'Cause you're really my dearest friend / Jenny take my hand / We are more than friends / I will follow you until the end

lauv - i like me better

To be young and in love in New York City / To not know who I am but still know that I'm good long as you're here with me / I knew from the first time, I'd stay for a long time, 'cause / I like me better when I'm with you / Stay awhile, stay awhile, stay here with me

sia - never gonna leave me

We are anything but unremarkable / We found things we had given up on / Now I'm taking your love from above / You're here and you're never gonna leave me / I will carry you on for so long / Your love is never gonna leave me

[clairebeauchampfan]

The Biter Bit: Sympathy mixed with  Schadenfreude

Some bitch (since definitely no lady, and most unlikely to be a man, let alone one with pretensions to be a gentleman) has been sending the nastiest anonymous  e-mails to writers of Outlander  fanfic, telling them that their work is tendentious tripe and that they should stick to the day job, yada yada. Unsurprisingly this has caused great hurt to her victims, causing at least one excellent writer to withdraw her story altogether

Now, I happen to adore Outlander fanfic, in the main. I have cried over the best of it, laughed, smiled, sighed, giggled, and swooned with admiration over the quality of writers whose skills I can never hope to emulate. I have groaned with silent fury when I realise that I have to wait to the next chapter of a story that has gripped me from the get go. I have howled with grief when a fine story has suddenly stopped, with no apparent reason leaving me crying “what happened next, for God’s sake?”

To be sure, there is  some dreadful stuff there too; cloying sentimentality; yuk-making, cringe-worthy sex scenes; pretentious purple passages, unlikely scenarios; endlessly repeated plot lines (can we give the Jamie as a whisky-maker, Claire as the newly arrived Doctor a break. Please?).

 But even the worst-written effort deserves support, if not fulsome  praise to the author, especially when he or she is a debutante writer  who, knowing just how good her rivals are in a crowded field,  has the courage to write down and publish, on Tumblr or AO3, the fruits of her labours, showing off her imagination, her writing skills, her very soul so  that others can enjoy -  or not, as the case may be. 

That’s the thing about writing, isn’t it? The need within you to express your thoughts on paper and to share with others the fruits of your labour, whether they be good or bad. 

One such fanfic writer, newly minted compared to some of the other victims of this hateful anon, is Soka, a feminist  academic who has sallied forth with a new and original style quite her own. Not my thing, perhaps, but I salute her courage in writing it at all. This was her reward; I think Kalendraashtar and other fanfic writers have received equally toxic anonymous comments, probably from the same source

No doubt the last sentence there was supposed to make this anonymous critic’s critique sound more ‘constructive’ ; a dollop of sugar under the bile.

 Soka’s many fans and readers have of course rallied round to offer her support. I give just some examples:

 WTF is with people to post such mean, nasty stuff. I enjoy your writing!!!Why don’t they just scroll in by?

Anon is a loser..Seems to get her kicks putting others down,just ignore them and keep on doing what you do..XOXOXOXO

I cant believe people would take the time to just write mean stuff like that …. what is the point ??? You dont like the story ? Then just dont read it !!!..omg… keep doing what you love and dont pay attention to some ugly people needing to put down others to feel better about themselves. 

 Someone is spending their time sending hate to the best writers around here and it’s sickening. Your story is different and so unique, anon doesn’t appreciate it and can go fuck off 

 These morons seemed to be going after the best writers. So it’s an unintentional compliment. I love your story. It’s different. And that’s a good thing.

This whole anon crap leaves me speechless.

 I am sorry..and I have said it before, these idiots who hide behind anonymous, and leave empty hurtful words…are despised more than you realize from the rest of us who LOVE our writers

I agree with all these sentiments, especially the last ones about the wickedness of anons, sheltering behind the skirts of their anonymity without anyone else being able to take them to task on DM or directly. I absolutely hate the anon function, and make a point of neither sending or receiving anons myself

Here’s Soka herself on the subject

When I decided to write OBT, I didn’t expect everyone (anyone) to find the story appealing but I didn’t anticipate this much meanness. I’ve received so many of these anons after I posted Chapter 5 today and I just had to share three of them (these are the ‘nicest’). And no, I am not looking for affirmation of my writing or your outrage on these anons. I”m just tired. So, damn tired of this crap. Peace, people.

She has my utmost sympathy, as one would be writer (who has had a first novel shot down in flames by a succession of agents) to another.

And yet...and yet...

I could not help myself from feeling a certain schadenfreude in all of this. The biter bit, hoist with her own petard, for here she is, herself the mistress of meanness, who all this 4th season of Outlander has ruthlessly done down, mocked, belittled, sneered at, jeered at, laughed at the efforts of a team of actors, actresses, writers, producers, CGI people, wigmakers, etcetera, in the name of ‘constructive’ criticism. People who have done their level best to compress into 13 short episodes a vast novel. A young actress, comparatively new to her craft,whose every effort has been dismissed with contempt by this self same Soka. Every frown, every arm fold of Caitriona Balfe giffed and reproduced by her to conform to her critique of Caitriona’s acting this season. Every deviation from  the book magnified out of all proportion so that the writers and producers can be damned from here to eternity. No quarter given, no word of praise for honest effort by Richard Rankin, Sophie Skelton, Caitriona Balfe, the writers, directors, producers, costumiers, set designers.... no seeking out what was good to balance what was bad. Just a relentless negativity towards everything and everybody connected with the show. 

Schadenfreude - the experience of pleasure, joy, or self-satisfaction that comes from learning of or witnessing the troubles, failures, or humiliation of another. 

I know, I know,  I am being unkind. Probably unfair. Mean, even. But at least I strive for self-knowledge.

#anonymous critics #fanfic #constructive vs.destructive criticism

[abtoddler]

A little melancholia for the day

It’s interesting how far we come and sometimes

Its no where near far enough. When i was younger, I couldn’t tolerate my mother. When shes oh hey, im goin to be a bitch for days, then expect me to talk to her. Its already bad enough shes super dismissive or hateful, and then super concerned so she can ear another tick in her caretaker personality.

Which explains why i need a daddy so much. I al thankful to mine, and my big bro champ, the two of them create a world where i dont have to worry about what occurs outside the front door. - a bit of backstory, and the strings of complaints, spoonie comments, support groups and things like that: i have a chronic pain condition with compression and the slow approach to parapalegia while on the medication, the norco and muscle relaxers to help the sensation of walking on nails, and endless buzz, this is a gift from 14 years ago, that keeps taking the feeling and control of my legs & feet. I also have an inflamatory bowel disease, so its like shitting hot lava. This has been occuring more regular then a ladies period, and has been occuring since longer then I can remember.

Growing up, i would throw up while shitting at the same time for hours ans hours. Get up in the middle of the night and just let it go. Ive turned memory of this shit to another thought. Right now its about how much time i have left, 20 years? That wouls make me 54, if i go out then, or even in the next 35 years wouls make me younger then my adoptive parents.

Now heres a funny thing, since my dad doesnt really keep up with me, mostly my fault because i hate talkin on the phone, and cant exactly travel at the moment. The point is, “oh you still have to go through that, i hadnt heard so i assumed it went away”, its not that” oh i assumed you just stopped having a horrible mutiple times a month for my entire life stomach pain, just stops, because nothing is said about it. Or the trying to convey that i just do not have the means to emotionally handle it, and so cant make effort to do stuff that hurts my heart. The same is whether or not my mother means it. But shes always been cunty when shes not put first, or in control. It’s interesting she abused drugs and alcohol when i moved into my own house the first time. Then the abuse from her starts, getting mad, being dismissive, just down right fucking horrible for no good goddamn reason.

This then causes me to have an emotional shut down, this abuseive crap, this shit makes me not want to be around her. She cant “do” being alone, and it makes her really mean. The more mean she gets, the more i have no desire to fuck with that. The endless complaints, rudeness, snide comments, endless streams of just foulness. Thank you to everyone whose not like this, is what i want to say. Thank you to daddy and champ. Those who “choose” us, and so help up the folk like me who have all sorts of shit to deal with. Its nice having an insulation.

I do not want contact with people who are sneaky and will put someone else under a bus, i do not want folks who do not give more then lip service to”bdsm full exchange” and “demands” that put them ahead of what they want to do with my daddy. Theres so much in this life that i wont be able to do. I have less then most folk i wager. Going by the wayside, posting to the empty vaccum where the internet remembers.

I can do this. I can do one day at a time forever, one moment, that is an endless cycle of sleep. And meds, and pains. The reason i can do this. Family. Good people raised me, but im home for the first time with these last 6 months, 50 or 60 years ahead of me is not enough time for my daddy, for my big bro. There is a ton of the world to see.

These are the thoughts, and feelings ive had since loosing my hope on handling something just a bit better. Its been super dark, with looking at end of life affairs, looking into kinds of burials, and assisted suicide. Everything that would mean i miss everything i want with my family. I do not mind a death I choose. I do not mind my final wishes. What i mind; the knowledge of folks with my kinds of stomach shit dont really see much longer to the older age brackets. It scares the piss out of me, that it could just be done, i wont be able to wake up and work on my grimoires, i wont be able to tell my daddy I love him. Anytime i feel it, i have to say it. That way in all the tiny moments of time, and if folks can remember me. He will know i would always love him, thank him, appreciate him. He is the scope of my world. Anything less then forever is an unacceptable amount of time. The thought of leaving him early scares me. Its my greatest worry, that i will never know enough, or see enough of his life to only see it really start.

Its hard, it sucks. So thats why my grimoire projects will not, end. My desire to be little, and safe and cared for, must be followed right back into daddies arms, and the worlds hes helped build. I ve been trying to process this, its taken a few months, in suspected truth, probably it will be always there. But, i try and focus on projects, on the little things that can be done in a day. I cant care about my mother demanding i go and see her. Or her being a bitch when i do, and leaving her with a “see you whenever” i said “what ever” and just walked out of her apartment the other night.

So, while she feels i should be doing what ever she asks depite my lack or to too much sleep according to her. Not the exhaustion i get subjected to after the fire of hell erupts from my asshole, and causes me to throw up anything left in my stomach. Yea, between that 1-4 hour production of “this is your life” in food I attempted to eat earlier. Shes got stupid questions that have no bearing on day to day shit, and now that shes done fucking making threats at me, she can shut up, while I sort out how to handle her ass, while being with wonderful people, for what will be the rest of my life. However long i can make it. Daddy, makes it worth it, i want to see him and champ be their best selves. I can instead only do everything that i am able to set their roads up, even if i wont get the chance to see how it ends.

I cry, at night, most nights pooh bear has earned his keep as the cuddle surrogate to daddy. My barking dragon doesnt bark, it would randomly do it; making it hard to sleep with. I know that this internet void, is a public place where people will know, coo!. But I need to post this, i need to put it into the world while I think about how i am going to master the coming years, and not let shit get between daddy and champ and all our dreams.

So, while i get word vomity, and sad. The horizon has this light of the future, the single moment of now, stretching on to the morning. The linear path of all actions, thoughts, life and the experiences, its easy when in thinking of daddy, that i can just aim to make the most of the moments with him. That they know he is the best man i have ever known, the range of his character. His way of dominance, his love and zest for life. The way he steps one foot a time to get the big picture. I will walk with him til my story ends. But, daddy i love you, and thank you. I loves that we have forever and ever. Its not long enough.

But anyway this isnt something i can stop thinking, so my hope is putting just this stuff here, will get it out, and lets me sleep tonight. I am trying to post more, to have a place to unload my thoughts. Thank you for anyone who reads this, its just hard to identify the situation at hand, so many moving pieces. I will try not to post to much of this philosophic ramble, and depression.

I will figure on how to deal with it but tonight, it did it’s job and has cleared my head, and given me a look at what i feel is going on. Night tumblr. Thank you for this medium.

[rogue-snorunt]

Why I made a ko-fi

I got an anon who said that if I'm going to ask the public for money, than I need to explain why and it better be good. Which. Subtlety kind of rude but I get it. I'd want to know the story too and while I did give the explanation already in my first post about it, because I broke my own link with my incredible stupidity, I took it down.

reposted the link to my Kofi that hopefully works now but did leave out the explanation because I feel bad involving others in my problems and I don't want people to hear em and feel guilted into anything.

So here it is: the full obnoxiously long saga of the series of unfortunate events that had led me to making the Kofi from start to finish describing my 2017-2018 life presently.

It all started back in January of last year..

The cafe in which I work.. Worked? Work.. closes every January for cleaning for anywhere between 2wks and a month and in the time they encourage us to apply early and collect unemployment. This would be my first and last ever time doing this.

Why close? Mainly because my bakery is an old fashion French bakery where our lawyer city boy rich owner went to France and liked some countrymans brick oven so much he dropped I think it was a million or so to not only buy the oven, but to actually bring said oven to America brick by fucking brick.

And to clean this wood fed oven the size of a living room, you need AT LEAST 2-3 wks to let it cool down enough for some poor scrawny guy to climb in through the tiny wood stuffing hole and excerise all that soot. Plus deep cleaning a detached two story bakery; the kitchen and cafe itself..

Anyway back to the plot:

So on Jan 1st,2017 I applied and by Jan 14th2017, the place temp closed for cleaning.

I had saved 900$ for this because I'd be okay for the month.. $200/month for rent; $50 for phone, $35 for gas, $130 for groceries for me (who has strict diet of lactose and gluten free diet because I WILL die if I eat gluten because my organs swell; attack themselves and try and shut down. Rip™ my diet gets fucking hella expensive. Bread alone is &4-$5 bucks) $300 monthly student loan etc..

Well: not a week in our gas heater said fuck you. So to help repair, there went -$400 bucks. A WEEK IN. Than my grandmas car died, -$250 a week later. Fuck me gently.

Than the fateful blizzard night of Jan 31st 2017 that would be the catalyst of unfortunate bullshit leading today.. at 4:35 on my friend was bringing me home after a fun weekend, as I do not have a car, and he wanted to make sure I got home safe before the super storm hit. The cafe was reopening Feb 10th.

I was later informed that at around 4:56, my friend hit black ice and we °360 hard into a tree. I only remember seeing it about to happen and worrying about my glasses about to break, then nothing. Then looking at my blurry hand and even with my one good but still kind of blind eye, I saw that it was black; blue and I couldn't move it. Then I guess I said "well shit" and went to sleep.

I had broken not only my glasses trying to protect them, the fucking irony.. but my metacarpals; my nose, inhaled the chemical death from the airbag and recieved mild chemic Burns to face and throat. My smol rib cage was punched by the airbag so hard it got bullied out of place and was now compressing my lungs and a severe concussion.

My friend luckily being a 6' ft some man was set far away from air bag and being the impact was more my side, had only bad bruising to the limbs but okay. His truck now an accordion.

The doctor only looked at my hand and ignored my concussion, as I had an in the ambulance and was apparently making stupid nonsense jokes. So they assumed I was fine I guess.

I had to call in to my job and sadly tell them the news I would not be able to work for maybe a few months.

A month later while home and coming down the stairs, I suddenly could not breathe and got light-headed. Not good when you on stairs. I ended up refuckin up my metas and now add broken tail bone to the list.

My return to work just went from hopeful 3-4 months to 6. I was not financially equipped for this

But wait rogue! The unemployment!

Ah yes. The fucking thing that would fuck me harder then the airbag and stairs combined.. You see:

I had asked everyone I knew that had ever collected unemployment before what to do and even the girl who did the disability thing: for I was unable to work; disability would not kick in until at least a month. I got bills men, life don't stop cause bad shit you know?

Everyone told me, collect unemployment until Disability kicked in. Then stop. Okay.. these 6 people would know best right? Dingdong: unfortunate event #3 so far:

By the time disability kicked in I had collected $700 caps. Nice! Right? Well my honest naive ass thought how you cancelled unemployment was to tell em to cease and why. So I did.I explained what happened. This proved to be the biggest mistake of my pathetic life and installed the lesson of "don't be honest with big brother." They said "oh no you got injured? Well guess what fucko. You now have to pay back the $700, or else and guess what, we adding an bonus fuck you of $200 ."

Hahahahahaha-what?

I'm not able to work; disability only gave$100 some and I got friends and family I am in debt to for helping during these shenanigans.

Then unfortunate events #4-#9 took place. my aunt died.

I had to be hospitalized for pancreatitis; kidney stones and infections a few times, sometimes for all em at once.

Then my dog prostate cancer became apparent and despite the medicine and surgery every thing that could hell, he had to leave us for the rainbow bridge.

Than my grandma's car died again.

Then my stepmother died.

Grandma had to get surgery for her knees and began to complain of occasional blindness and migraines.

Went back to work early because you guys do what you gotta do man, only it's 7 months later and in a couple more, the fucking Cafe is going to close again.

By the time it did, I had been using every paycheck to catch up on bills; pay back the my friends and family lent, paying the late bills from my dog and car repairs, back owed payment and feedback to the student loan. and just as I had started seeing the light at the tunnel.. we closed and I wasn't prepared.

Unemployment have nothing but the middle finger.

It'll be fine.. I can handle a month. It'll suck but-

ITS NOW MAY AND THEY AIN'T OPEN.

During the time I was laid off this year I spent my time as follows:

Joined Tumblr and began to meme to counter that bi-polar depression and made some friends, looking at you @m-is-for-mungo 😘💞💞

A man grabbed my hand that didn't heal right and squeezed it so hard he fucked the bone. Had to go back to p.t. Hand once again fucking useless and I had posted about this way back, if you dig in my archive, you'll find the posts.

Applied for a state job at our prison with my friend whose already there, as kitchen worker

Got the surgery that I could no longer put off as it was too fix the anatomical problem contributing factor to my organs rioting like they do, but thankfully since it was considered life threatening, my insurance covered it.

Finally deal with death of my dog; and my family. Then my dad having a stroke and other family stuff.

Got that pesky rogue ribcage displacement taken care of

Fell down the fucking stairs again.

Adopted a special needs cat.

Became once again a financial burden and the moment I could, filled the still laid off time by trying to help my friend at their restaurant as much as possible.

Got the "we want you asap BUT thanks to state Bullshit like budget stuff.. We have to wait for the actual state to say yes" call from the prison call.

My uncle was discovered to cancer but by the time it was found, he had a week left. Then he died.

Got my shit broken by the scorned ex of our roommate

And then got the fucking letter from unemployment mildly threatening me to pay up.

But you said you didn't have a car in January 31st but then you do now??

After the car event, my friend told me to seek comp because I did get fucked up and being a baker who broke their hands, shit ain't good.. I did not want to because it was my friend, it wasn't their fault and if I had had my own car or just during go there in the first place this wouldn't have happened. Reluctantly after much badgering, I did.I did not get anything however until a year and half half later. and yeah, I’ll tell you how much seeing how Im being brutally honest: $10,000.

I immediately bought a $4000 car so I would never again be a burden and every single car I’ve ever owned have been $100+ garbage death traps I got from shady people and for once in my fucking life I wanted a car that wouldnt break down or try to kill me a week later; helped my grandma buy a car that wouldn't fail her, bought her a new fridge because hers died and paid some of her bills she got behind on. My friend had fallen behind on their bills as well and I owe everything I am and still being alive to these people.

You bet my stupid ass, I used almost every dime to help them. And id fucking do it again because: homies help homies.. And when your Nana whose been both mom; dad and nana to you and is the reason you weren't place in foster care needs you.. You fucking help her no matter what.I did have enough to pay the student loan for last month and this month. I got a new track phone because mine broke, bought a pair of shoes because I've only ever had my loafers and the soles fell off finally and I brought groceries. I have enough to pay rent and I am now tapped out.

My only debt is this $900 fuck you from the government and my $15000k student loan.

And now y'all caught up on the fucking disaster that is my life.

I'm sorry for this sobstory of me crying about my problems but i.. I really do not like asking for help.i hate asking for help. I hate that I have to ask for money because I've been in desperate shitty situations my whole damn life and managed to somehow scrape by but for the first time, I'm in a situation that I can't fix alone. And I fucking hate it and that I have to admit it. but I need help .

This is why I made the Kofi

A kofi that is absolutely only for and will only be used, to pay that $900. I promise you that even if I become homeless, I am going to pay that goddamn bill before anything else. Because I helped everyone with their debt and they are all good now, we all squared and now it's my turn to be okay glib-dimit

[grcndel]

hey.  so.

i don't normally like getting caught up in bullshit and drama on this website, but recent events have brought up the topic of a pretty explicitly homophobic user in the RPC, and i've been asked to provide proof of some of the garbage she's said and done to both me and others, so. 

here's your evidence. 

do with it what you please, interpret it as you please -- but here's your evidence.

regardless of how conscious or  intentional her actions have been, xuxu (osfractxm --> saintginevra / dcradc / equitvm / seculum / itsrickybxtch / compendixm / etc.) has said and done things to other members of the RPC that have hurt them, and that have contributed to much larger issues -- ex., homophobic rhetoric / fetishization / erasure.

i apologize in advance for certain images being low-quality, or compressed oddly by my blog theme. for readability's sake, i recommend clicking on the screenshots provided.

here's my personal run-in with xuxu, wherein she first approaches me regarding a sort of shipping call despite my rules explicitly stating that grendel is gay. when i explain this to her, she follows it up with a statement that essentially boils down to "oh, i knew he was gay; my muse tends to go after gay muses specifically, which i then use as a personal angst plot on her behalf."

TRANSCRIPT -

osfractxm (xuxu):   ;;I saw your post about flirting with grendel, i have no knowledge of the game, per say, but zombie lady over here is like, "dat monster ... he kinna cute" xuxu:   but i also assume he's based off the grendel from beowulf, yes? xuxu:   or /is/ the grendel from beowulf grcndel (me):   im sorr y zombie lady you can Try to flirt with him but he's sad and gay and will probably just. completely go quiet because he doesn't know how to deal with people. -- ALSO,, yes!! he is grendel from beowulf; just in a verse where he survived the maiming me:   and lived to modern day me:   he's just trying to get by and not be a total monster anymore. xuxu:   gg  (ginevra)  over here has a tendency to think gay men are cute and then regret everything. but hey.

i really shouldn't have to explain why saying this shit, especially to a gay man, is pretty fucking creepy.

( in hindsight, i admit that i probably should have been more assertive about saying 'no,' but i didn't want to be rude. i made it clear enough that gren wouldn't react well in the only way i felt comfortable and decent doing so at the time. i figured maybe she'd just forgotten, or hadn't read my rules yet, so i wanted to be gentle about the rejection. )

still.

i do understand that, out of context, what she said up there seems misguided, but maybe not bad. 

it gets bad, though, when you consider her interactions with a certain other character on her nsfw archive blog, ossaxfortes, wherein she has (recently!) been writing out a plot of her muse seducing a character that the mun had previously written as explicitly gay.

just in case you don’t want to read it yourself (i can’t say i blame you), i’ll say here that a major fetish-point of the thread between ginevra and this other muse seems to be the fact that he's ~fucking a woman instead of a man, oh, how dirty and different and strange~.

given that thread, plus whatever brief thing has gone down between her and i, i don't think it's unreasonable to say that xuxu most likely seeks out gay muses and gets off on the "Gay Man Experiencing Straight Sex, But Oh, It's Okay, Because He Liked It!" plot, and that she was most likely going to attempt to do the same with grendel if i hadn't shut her down and stopped replying to her, which -- as a gay person who's experienced corrective rape -- is ... pretty fucking sickening to me.

but!  maybe i’m not the best judge of this kind of thing. i mean, after all -- what do i, a gay man, know about what counts as fetishism and erasure of gay people? not as much as too non-gay-men, obviously.

let's go on.

here are the testimonies of a close personal friend of mine regarding their experiences with her + their observation of her tendency to muse-hound/muse-hoard and force-ship, which they have personally experienced, as well as general statements regarding her behavior as an rp partner (draining + pushy in ooc interactions; no regards for other peoples’ comfort or consent; takes advantage of people with passive personalities, however conscious or intentional).

here's some of the awful shit xuxu's personally sent to this friend + people this friend knows.

let’s start off with some good old rape fetishism, shall we?

and maybe some admittance to knowing other people’s characters are gay & going after them anyway.

... yeah, no she’s definitely aware of what she’s doing / is proud of it.

cool.

it really DID come out of nowhere!

   > do you want my nsfw blog?    > ‘not really, no thanks’    > xuxu sends the nsfw blog anyway.png

fair enough, but kind of an uncomfortable statement.

kind of another uncomfortable statement / context for a former testimony.

so, reasonably, the other party involved in these screencaps left the situation.

...... and here's xuxu failing to just do the right thing and leave them alone after they've blocked her. (way to ruin a good apology with self-victimization, passive-aggression, and guilt-tripping, btw.)

-- also, on a final note? just to add a little irony onto the shitpile? here's a particularly pissy segment of a particularly pissy little post that xuxu still has up on her blog.

interesting viewpoint on minority characters/the voices of minority people, considering everything, isn't it?

very, very interesting.

HOWEVER.  please understand that, regardless of how sarcastic and bitter i might sound, this post is not telling you to send hate to xuxu, or to approach her about this at all. this post is not telling you to feel one way or the other about the person or the circumstances. i know i, personally, have probably done my fair share of similar shit in the past -- i’m not saying xuxu’s the fucking devil. i’m just saying, ‘if this sort of thing bothers you, watch out.’

i only want to put this information out there so that people who are bothered by this sort of thing can AVOID her, unfollow her, block her -- whatever they have to do to keep themselves safe and comfortable.

you can dislike her, or dislike me. i don’t care. you can reblog this, ignore this and scroll past it, feel neutral about it, i don’t care. you can agree with either one of us or neither of us at all -- you can even think me writing this whole thing up is stupid and unfounded and unnecessary, i don’t fucking care, but whatever you do? DO NOT turn this into some all-out fucking war. that’s not what i want, for either party.

like i said before -- read this objectively and take it as you will. don’t listen blindly to strange men on the internet. don’t just assume somebody’s a piece of shit because ruben @ grcndel dot tumblr dot com said they were. make up our own mind about it; i can’t do that for you. --  but, above anything?

just be safe.

[luckjustkissedyouhello]

No joke, I often wonder what my life would’ve looked like if I wasn’t born in 82. If I wouldn’t be struggling to find a diagnosis at thirty-fucking-eight to explain why my brain, my life is like this.

long post is long

All through elementary school I had 1 friend, the other outcast. This happened in two separate elementary schools in the district. Two separate groups of kids decided there was something ‘wrong’ about me that they didn’t like, and that was that. In my first school, I was put in group therapy (and didn’t even fucking realize it, I was the kind of kid that just went with what they were told - always desperate to please). I don’t remember much about it other than the leader - the school psych split between 4 elm schools who would come in once a year to say ‘hey I’m here if you need me’ - and a kid talking about being hit in the face with a waffle maker (I remember being fascinated by his black eye, it was so black and puffy and it took sooo many meetings to heal properly). That’s all I remember. That’s all the school ‘did’ to help me.

One time my mom was giving me a bath, and she was like ‘why are you covered in bruises?’ (Ironic b/c she was a hitter) and I just said ‘oh the kids on the playground’ like it was normal for me to get my ass beat. She went to the principal. This was probably like 90/91. He had me write an essay about the other things I could do to stay away from the mean kids - I think he’d been told I followed the bullies around. Idk, man. I didn’t get social cues, I thought we were playing, etc. (for the record, my mom did tell me to leave the office and then told the principal she wouldn’t contradict him to me, but she thought that was an awful way to handle me getting bullied - again it was the 90s, I don’t fault my parents much for not realizing something was *seriously* different about me. That’s the point. Autistic was just for nonverbal kids. ADHD was for those so active they couldn’t sit in the classroom. Neuro-typical or Neuro-Divergent were not terms anyone know about. They didn’t discuss or know much about the spectrum of neurodiversity. They sure as fuck didn’t see it in AFAB kids like myself. I was just ‘weird’ and I have the mental scars to prove it (typing about elem school right now? Making me sweaty and nauseated- that’s how I feel when I look back at most of my childhood in school. Actually. My eyes are sweating too)

I struggled academically. When I tell people now that I was in the lowest reading groups from K-6th grade, people are surprised: I’m a librarian. But there is some kind of diagnosed learning disability in me that made it impossible for me to pass a spelling test - and I still fucking can’t - and since school tied writing with reading, they decided I needed the lowest group. They knew something was up because my compression was good but I failed the spelling tests. They tested me for dyslexia in 15 minutes one day in third grade. I sat at a machine, looked in, and pointed my finger in the direction the letters were facing. I remember it clearly. From that test, they were like ‘nope you just slow’ and put me in the remedial reading groups. Now, a large difference between comprehension and spelling would be a flag that would’ve been investigated. I know this because 2 of my sisters kids have dysgraphia. Something that wasn’t tested for in the 90s, or if it was not in a school nurse’s office.

Do you know what my grades looked like, even in college? Cs in most everything but my major classes. Grad school, I got a 3.7 - almost as if, and this is a shocker to you neurodiverse folks, I know, almost as if I could only really excel in the things my brain was interested in...wow. Shock.

I often say you couldn’t pay me to go back to high school. But then I wonder. What if I was a student now. Would they have found out about the probable ADHD/Autisim? (I’m not sure which I am but I do know I’m not neurotypical!) Would I have been given resources to help fit into the world I still clearly struggle with? Would I have so much trouble in my carrier as I have now, because people make assumptions about me being lazy or weird or not ‘right’ and dislike my mannerisms and speak and dissect everything I say? Like, no joke, I forgot how to explain the summer reading club in front of an audience once, and the librarian that went with me told the director I was awful. Shit, would that have happened if I was properly medicated? If I knew how to handle my brain forgetting shit, or how distracted the crowd of kids made me (funny thing, I can do standup just fine if the stage lights blinding me from looking out, but the second I see the crowd I get distracted and start mumbling things at people rather than the prepared jokes).

There are positives. I see *everything* happening in my story time. So i see when I’m losing the kids, I see when a sibling is beating the crap out of another. I see those kids in the audience when I talk about the summer reading club that are harassing another student, etc. I think I keep my library safer because I see every-fucking-thing going on.

But I think I’d do so much better in life if I was helped younger. I know I’d feel better about myself. I’m working through my shit self esteem but the truth is I’ve hated myself for not making it work, for not fitting in, my whole life. And the people that say ‘embrace your differences’ don’t know what it’s like for your stomach to drop out when the teacher says ‘find a partner’ because you know nobody will be yours (once, my teacher called my mom in tears because we were planning for a zoo trip and everyone else had a group, and when she asked who would take me, two groups raised their hands and she said ‘I’ve never seen her face light up like that’ - this was the exception to the norm)

Soooo.. yeah. I’m crying now. I’m not sure why I even wrote all this. This is tumblr. Nobody reads and responds much. I guess that might be why. I just...everyone neurotypical is born with a manual I just never had. And I can’t reconcile that with the idea that if I was born 20/30 years later, maybe I would’ve been at least allowed to glimpse the manual from time to time.

ETA: Talking about being undiagnosed with a learning disability and spell ‘because’ wrong every single time....i didn’t do that on purpose.

[unravelling-the-world]

I was trying my best, and another friend who always took pictures of us (we took pics of him as well dw) documented all of those moments, i even used a not-permanent spray color hair for that day just so the pictures could be special. I didn't particularly like myself, I never did ,but I was too busy to think about it. When i went out, i felt decent at least. Binder, thick under-eye red/black liner, just the perfect e-boy look i wanted. I felt that, as a pre-hrt person, I was looking as masc as I could while doing the style that makes me comfortable and I want to achieve. I was doing my best everytime we went out to look presentable in the pictures, and I did well 9/10 times. At some point, there was a light festival as well. I went with one friends and my cousin and we had fun. My friend and I took pictures, my cousin didn't want hers taken but we still interacted a lot and had fun, I loved the pics of that day. I never got to post them, because my downfall came soon after. At that point in time, I was finally living the dream. I posted frequently on ig (bc i went out frequently) and even though i wasn't anyone big, no partnerships or anything, not even 1k followers, I was growing, and having been intoxicated by fame at age 12, it was just what I needed. My posts started getting 70 likes on average and 7-10 comments, i only had 500 followers but they were growing at an average of 20 followers/month. A lil tween reached out to me and told me he thought I was really cool and was my fan. Bro, that was awesome. Things were moving forward, and altough i felt afraid of the future, I was working on it all. I was making progress in other aspects as well,having come out formally recently and with help from my psychologist, we were going to start looking into hrt, and i just couldn't believe it. I only have read fast and short info. I never really wanted to inform myself more because deep within me I was just afraid I'd never be able to get it and get my hopes up for nothing. We appointed a session to talk about that. This was march, and at my house, we watched a Japanese channel (because we are all interested in Japanese culture and such) So I knew the coronavirus was coming. They started talking about it since the start, in december, obviously, because they are way closer to where the virus started so it spread faster there. I remember it was on a cruise first. I knew it would eventually arrive here, so through all summer i told my mother "it's only a matter of time." I knew it'd come. March was here, and the last time i went out with my friends came along. Inside my head, I felt like I knew that was the last time. I had thoughts about "I wonder if i'll ever get to see a sight like this again". I managed to take some pictures, because,inside me, I knew that was the last time. I wanted to preserve the memory of it. I didn't want to forget. At the time, with a friend, who took the same metro line as me but lives further away, since it was just us two, when saying goodbye we'd always say "see you in five minutes" (like in endgame, because i told her the whole movie and told her when they said that and then black widow died) and she LAUGHED so hard and it became an ongoing joke between us (we are both kinda suicidal ngl but we just laugh abt it.) We said it that day as well, but we actually never saw each other again lmao

At that point, in the country, there were about 4 covid cases. Only 1 in the capital, so it had started, but was only just the start. When I got home, i kind of knew that was the last. My classes started, and for two weeks, it was hell on earth. Online,obviously. I got paired up with the guy I hated the most in the entire generation (I only knew half of them, and liked even fewer, but this guy. fuck. i would have killed him. he was awful.) Anyways. Yeah. But at the end, classes got postponed until further notice. So I was now a Neet! For a while, even though coronavirus was getting worse and worse here as everywhere, I was doing good. I was living the introvert dream, and since I have a decent/good relationship with my parents and grandma, life was just great. All around me I saw everyone struggle with quarantine. I was having a blast. Playing sims, watching anime, anything went. Shit was great. Got Gta V for free when epic released it, and had a blast. Got obsessed with obey me for a while. It was all fun.... Met via discord with my friends. Almost daily with certain friends, once in a while with others, but the whole group would be together at least once. It was good, for me. I felt good. I would ocassionally wake up and tell my mother that I was happy, and hug her. I don't think i'd ever done that. I was at peak, and I knew it. Drew a lot, played a lot. Did a lot of things and projects. Everything felt ok...My dysphoria wasn't great during these times (since now i stay in pajamas all day except when I use camara to meet with friends, and obviously I dont wear my binder with my pajamas) But i had so much free time, that I could just ignore it. (I'm good at avoiding things. at running away.)

Classes started June 1st. First day, I had a breakdown. I don't remember why, but I couldn't connect to class. I felt overwhelmed. I don't know and don't like asking for help because i feel useless when I do. So I didn't. Apparently I seemed more upset than I thought, because my dad noticed. When comforted or confronted, I always cry. I can't talk about my feelings without crying. I feel weak for expressing them. Even writing this, i feel the knot in my neck. My dad saw and ended up helping and comforting. I cried a lot. I went to class, but spent the whole 3 hours of class crying. Things were unstable for a while, but I was keeping afloat, I guess. I started feeling like shit, I wasn't happy daily anymore. Online learning felt so distant and so difficult and so different. I don't like change. At least not without expecting it beforehand. So yeah, that ended up taking a toll on my mental health. The downfall started. I was quite busy, but still tried to meet with friends via discord whenever we could. We had some online birthdays, and season 3 of osomatsu san had already been announced. I was looking forward to it so much. I was in pain, but that thought was keeping me going. I started getting worse, mentally. I started isolating myself ocasionally. I have quite long gaps from this period. I can't really recall much of what happened or what it was like. At some point around August-September I was watching 6teen, because my uni decided that starting a semester and compressing it into a trimester was a good idea, and finals were in september, i think. At the time of finals, i was watching 6teen. I didn't wanna finish it, so I started total drama after. I had a week of vacation in September as well, and I think I was OK for the week.

I won't lie. I don't remember october. I only know Osomatsu-san started here bc I waited for it all year long. I regained closer contact with a friend who lives in japan. Halloween also had an online meeting. I cosplayed, and felt good with myself for the night, for the first time in months. But I ended up having a breakdown later that night. A friend who didn't come and had said he'd come ended up arriving very late (2-3AM ish, meeting was at 10PM) He was very drunk. I don't mind. He says he just came to say sorry he didn't come bc he ended up meeting with irls. We tell him it's ok. He disconnects. He reconnects not long after, but we are confused, since that's not his voice. It was his friend who took his phone, a classic party prank. Doesn't matter, it was fun for a bit. This guy is also mad drunk, so talking to him is weird and funny. But shit gets bad for me in a bit. I was using a voice changer, as I usually do online, because Im ashamed of my high pitched voice. But this guy misgenders me, more than once, and also my friend who lives in japan. He doesn't seem to care, and I act like I don't, but it hurts so bad. My other friend who was there at that time corrects him, more than once. I felt thankful to her. I never thanked her afterwards because I didn't know how to bring out that topic without crying. This guy is very drunk though, and altough i doubt he had vile intentions because of the way he phrased it, he insists, that those are womans voices. They talk about it a bit, verbal comebacks. I wanted them to stop. At some point, my friend who lives in Japan leaves bc its lunch time for him. I felt like shit. I just told this other guy "I'm 10" and he dropped the subject, he believed me and the explanation. My friend laughed her ass out, because she thought I said it as a joke. Truth is, that was just a desperate answer to get him to drop the topic. I dont really care if he believed I was 10 or not though. I just wanted it to stop. He jokes with my friend for a bit more. I didn't talk much after, because I felt ashamed. I didn't want to talk ever again. Even now, even with the voice changer, I don't have the confidence I had when I started using it. I have lowered the pitch twice, just in case. My friend left the call a bit later. When she left, I left as well. I was thankful to her though. I don't remember if i cried or not, but it caused me a massive breakdown for about two weeks. I didn't talk online with anyone until my birthday, I think. I didn't tell anyone but my psychologist this.

I don't remember November much either. I know it's my birthday, and I know I came back to tumblr in november. Yall know when. Canon destiel and shit. Tumblr hadn't felt so alive in years. It felt like home. I remember I was having a bad breakdown during that time. I think it was career related. I can't really remember much. The shitshow happening on tumblr Destiel Election actually helped me get better. I remember this only because of a conversation I had with a friend. I started working on christmas decorations as well. December came along, I worked hard on christmas decorations. I played a bit as well, because on some of my classes I just didn't have anything to do lol. Decorations were finished two weeks in advance for christmas. For the first time ever! I was happy. During these times,Nov-Dec lockdowns started easing up a bit. I still can't go out at all though, because I live with my grandmother, so we're supposed to minimize risks. My parents only go out for shopping essentials that can't be bought online. So it's fair and I understand it, but it started becoming hard on mental health. Not because I can't go out, but because my friends start going out. They know I can't go, they don't exclude me, but they know I can't and I also know I can't. I guess in a form, its jealousy. It becomes hard because there's no one to blame. It's no one's fault. I'm not excluded on purpose, but the truth is, I don't want to hear them talk about what they do when they have fun. I've always been insecure. Even when all evidence points otherwise, I still believe, deep inside,they hate me. They wish I weren't in the group and would be better off without me. It gets hard sometimes.

Even though in general December was quite good, it also came with a major breakdown. One of my best friend's bday is in December. Up until then, Me, her, and another friend had been playing league of legends nearly daily. It was toxic sometimes (the game/community, not my friends) but we had fun. I just liked playing together. But that would come to an end as well. My friend celebrated her birthday, and did invite me, but obviously I couldn't go,and she knew this beforehand, so she didn't get mad or anything. She handled the situation very well, wrote on the gc once, and then did a special gc for birthday attendants to talk about details there and such, and reminded friends who asked in the gc to talk in the birthday gc. (this is how i knew, but i think it was well done tbh, i wish they'd just asked in the bday gc instead so i wouldn't have seen it and felt bad about how i couldn't go) My friend also offered to have me as an online guest, like, being in videocall in the computer on the table. like Karen from spongebob ig. the idea was cool, but honestly i felt bad. She celebrates her bday with her gf bc their dates are near, and I just didn't really want to inconvenience them? I mean, her gf is cool and she used to hang out with our group ocassionaly and she was cool and fit in, and it never felt awkward talking to her irl or anything but it's not like she's my friend and honestly I didn't wanna inconvenience her party, and even though I'm sure my friend wouldn't have minded, I didn't want to be an extra inconvenience for her too. I just wanted her to have fun, honestly. But feeling like a burden ended up weighing on my mind. This caused a bad bad breakdown, beforehand I had started to become better,little by little, but these two weeks waiting for that event to happen felt like a nightmare to me. I didn't tell anyone. I think i wrote it about here once. Around this time, an account on instagram called "matsunoadvice" got reccomended to me, and Oh boy Have I gone to them for advice. Of course, I sent them a message at the time, desperate for someone to talk to, because I couldn't tell anyone about this, because all my other friends know each other kinda and i didn't wanna inconvenience everyone. I didn't want anyone to know i felt like shit. I felt thankful to my friend, because she did try her best to include me, I just didn't really wanna inconvenience anyone. I guess I'd rather suffer alone myself than being a pain in the ass for someone else. After all, I've accepted that I'm alone long ago, and since now there's nothing I can do to maintain my social relationships now,I may as well just accept that theyre ending now. I kind of isolated myself for those two weeks, sometimes i would still connect on discord, but it always felt kind of distant. I stopped playing league of legends around this time.

I still hadn't confirmed to my friend if i was virtually going or not. Truth is, i kind of knew I probably wouldn't want to go in the end, bc im Like That™ But i told her in advance that i'd let her know the date of the event early in the day because of how unstable I am and I wouldn't actually be sure until the day (which was true when I told her) So the day of the event i told her that I was thankful but I wouldn't be assisting virtually and told her to have a great day! She replied okay in a nice way as she always did. I don't think she seemed weirded out by my answer. I hope she didn't feel bad, because she's very empathetic so I hope she didn't think about me at all that day. I hope she never reads this, and even if she does, she didn't really do anything wrong and handed the situation the best she could, the pain was unevitable for me due to the situation. beforehand i had also had a similar breakdown though, because 3 friends who i was/am? still very close to started meeting each other to skate together. I don't know how to skate/have never skated and obviously can't go either way, and sometimes they'd talk about it in the vc. I remained calm always until the call ended,but I did cry about it late at night. It's selfish, of course, but when no one saw anyone, it was easier. we were all the same. But now it felt like they were all moving on without me. In a way, it's what I always wanted, but I always wished to die first. I know it's not sane, but i'd imagined situations like that in my head, where I die and then everyone moved on and it made me feel calmer. But seeing that unfold before my eyes, when i'm still breathing here, i'm still here. It felt lonely. I'm glad they're having fun. I'm just upset I can't do it as well? And it makes me feel like inevitably my relationships with them will break and fall apart and dissapear and they're all still gonna be a interwined network, even though I did everything I could to maintain it because it's all I've ever had outside of my direct family? I didn't make any friends at uni or have a different group of friends so it just...hurt? It still hurts, i'm just more used to it. Also after the bday i did try to connect in vc but it just made me worse, like a friend said like "noo it got too wild honestly u didnt miss anything" and i was like lmao ok but i felt like kinda sad anyways but if i was there i wouldve probably slept through it anyways

...after i felt awful bc i have another friend who is just kinda blunt and kinda dumb when it comes to how others feel, and he was like ohh yeah but after the bday [friend] took us and some of [friends gf's friends] to our houses and since it was early we went to a mcdonalds and it was so fun !! and it was just so uncomfortable bc obviously im glad you have fun but like i dont wanna know??? bc it hurts a fuckin lot???? and my other friend who was also in vc (he was the one w the car) he was like "haha yeaaa it was fun" but he seemed quite uncomfortable talking abt it he could probably tell i didnt wanna hear and ik my other friend only did it bc he's naive not bc he had bad intentions but yeah it sucked i was like haha thats great heh.....like what ya want me to say babe

Christmas arrived and it ended up helping me a lot. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I decorated a month in advance, baked cookies for the first time (with my mom) and we just did a lot of things this year. It made me happy and kept me occupied through the pain (I know i described a lot of pain here but I only paid attention to it at night, which is why it still hurts now probably bc i've had it all repressed) And of course the gifts, honestly I didn't know what to expect because this year I didn't really know what to ask for and just asked for a surprise (because i love receiving things! anything) And my dad definetely outdid himself with all the gifts, I loved them and they're all useful too! I was amazed and i told my friends abt it and it ended up in me talking more in the vc again, and i also started playing genshin impact in late december as well. We also held a secrer santa in the group but not everyone participated (mostly bc of money) but the 4 of us that did was fun! i knew everyone's secret santa bc 2/4 asked to me for help and they were mutual </3 so i knew me and my other friend were mutual too lol but it was cool. I kinda was a bitch a bit though bc he delievered my gift to my home and was going to come a random day and I just wasn't prepared bc I was afraid of seeing him honestly I didn't want to see him and I hoped he wouldn't come? He didn't come that day but he did come some days after, I truly wasn't ready at that point anyway and my mom said we could let him inside if he sanitized, but he came with his mother and didn't get out of the car, we just exchanged the gifts, and honestly I was glad, i was polite and just said hi to both and thanks and all! Obviously i love him a lot bc we're close but idk why i didnt want him to come into my house i just feel like im so boring now and I dont know what we couldve talked abt and honestly ive always been shy but now i just forgot how to socialize and i was terrified so when he didnt get out i was just glad.....well, also

I feel like all of these incidents separated me and my friend who had her birthday on december. Now she wouldn't join the vc or gc often (or say she couldn't, which she usually did before) so I just assumed she hated me, but i didn't really have the guts to ask? She still liked my memes on the gc sometimes but not as she used to, she always used to like every single meme (or nearly all) and she never talked over me (I always get talked over except when I'm drunk bc i become a bit less shy therefore more violent) and would even call others out for me when talked over and always respected everything i told her abt me (Through the years, i've told her some of my deepest shits bc i just trust her like that i dont mind if she knows) but it just felt distant? Also a bit before that, at the start of december we started streaming on twitch, and that week i was very bad I told her i wouldn't play much bc i wasnt doing well but I was up for streaming bc i rly wanted to be professional abt it even if we dont pursue it as a career, but in the end we didnt stream, and fell out of streaming a bit after that. I was kind of afraid to ask her if she wanted to stream again, but we'd talked once and she said she'd finally gotten the cat earphones for the streams (she mentioned she wanted them beforehand) yeah anyways i dont think she actually hates hates me but idk the idea still lingers in my mind

uh yeah also i felt like shit for a bit bc i thought she definetely hated me bc we hadnt talked in a bit and she didnt like my memes anymore so i just assumed the worst, i even listened to break up music (which is what i do when a friendship ends bc altough ive never rly had strong romantic feelings for anyone that kind of song helps me move on after friend breakups too bc no one warns you abt how painful these are) and i cried obviously, but again i never mentioned it to anyone (i made a few vague textposts here though) and just got my shit together even if it hurt? lol, well a bit of time passes and everything seems to go back to normal, i dont remember how she told us but she said she had a job now which is why she didnt connect much and slept earlier and i felt relief lol bc i legit thought she hated me and i felt like shit abt it lol i mean the idea they kinda hate me lingers in my mind all the time but at that point in life i was like. SURE she hated me until that point. now we ocasionally play genshin together but i cant really talk at that time and that also makes me upset bc i do wake up late and im trying to fix my schedule a bit by waking up at 2pm instead of 5 pm but it doesnt even matter bc i play board games with my grandma daily (bc its good for her and its fun i do enjoy it) i just wish we could do it earlier bc lately she gets up at like 9pm and i end up finishing playing at 11/12/1 and its just kinda late to meet w my friends bc i always have smth to do/finish after and i just cant make it in time even if i wake up earlier? lol but i cant change her schedule so theres nothing i can do but cry about it

oh also ik matsunoadvice gave me advice on this but like there's this friend who i love obviously but sometimes he just talks abt his meetings w other friends and like it only makes me angry as fuck and i cant ask him to not bc im too shy but i wish he could stop. and also when he complains abt skate related stuff it makes me unexplainably angry but like i have no reason or right to im just angry bc i cant do that and probably never will bc i doubt ill ever be able to go out again ?? lol. and he even offered like "when we go out again u should come and ill lend u my skate and if u like it u can get one" and honestly its all super nice and i appreciate it and ive thanked him and told him yes but it just makes me feel angry inside bc i dont see an ending with all the mutations and shit and my voice cracks when i tell him haha yeah if we ever meet again bc honestly my youth is already over and i just spent it like a social recluse and i read a post here when i was younger that said like lgbt people spend their teens closeted and ashamed and live their teens in their twenties but now im gonna miss my twenties to the pandemic and then ill be too fucking old and itll be too fucking late and ill have to die and i just never lived bc i still havent even transitioned yet and i doubt ill ever be able to (this also causes me a lot of pain but i will ignore it) and the other day he said like i hope i can see u this year bc i miss u and i just said that honestly ive lost all hope of ever seeing anyone again and my voice cracked and my other friend said something related but not so related and im just glad he talked in bc i didnt rly care i just wanted to change the topic bc i know ill never see them again and eventually probably lose contact and see them all have fun together without me just as if i was dead but just didnt pass away and its difficult but i have to accept it and it hurts a lot now but in 7 years itll be fine, just like i accepted im unlovable and will never have a s/o and when i was 12 that hurt a lot but now it doesnt so someday i will be alone but i hope it doesnt hurt anymore.

this is all a mess and the format is everywhere and theres no timeline i hope no one reads it. if u do read it im sorry. i just honestly been carrying all of this for a while now and i want it out of my system honestly bc i dont know what to do with it and i was on the verge of a breakdown for a minimal thing hours ago i just want all this info out of my brain.....also obv these are only the bad things that have happened/good things that took me out of the hole but a lot of good things happened too lol and i skipped a lot of imp points like i changed careers and shit and also i met a lot of cool mutuals since i got back to tumblr and ososan been carrying my mental health every monday but yeah i just wanted the negatives out of the system. the frustrations and the anger. i hope no one reads this fr its so messy

[coldtomyflash]

So I've been following your tumblr for a while now, and I've seen everything you've had to say about the crossover. I should preface this by saying that I am white with no Jewish ancestry. So I suppose my place isn't the question, because this does not affect me directly. However: I do not understand how showing Nazis as villains is a bad thing. I am not questioning that it hurts people. I've seen that it clearly does. What I question is "Why?" I don't grasp why Nazi=villains is a bad thing.

I’m going to be bluntly honest here. I had to mentally dismiss about ten blithe responses to this that were on the order of that now-infamous tweet “I don’t know how to explain to you that you should care about other people.” I know that’s not what you’re saying, but I struggled, when I read this, to grasp how you could say that you see the harm (hurt) it is causing and yet don’t see that it’s wrong. 

And how it could be true that you’ve actually read this post, and this one, and this one, and this one, and this one, and this one, and some of the other stuff I’ve put in my tag for the crossover, and yet still be confused about this. And one of those posts, mind you, explicitly explains why it’s more than just “they made Nazis the villains of the crossover”.

And part of why I was tempted to answer blithely is because, given all that, I think it’s been explained time and again what the issue is here, and how it goes so far beyond the fact that them making Nazis the villains is the problem. The other part is because to re-explain it, to break it down to its elemental components? That takes time - hours from the time I started thinking about this to the time I’ll be done writing it - and energy - in terms of research and resources. I’m doing a lot of labour for you, emotionally and physically here. And part of me wants to shirk that labour, to put it on you to do it.

But… I can’t. Because I can answer your question, at least from my own perspective, and it is an important one to answer. Because before I understood just how much my own privilege impacted how I see the world and started to actively push back against it and expand my perception, I probably wouldn’t have fully understood either.

So I can’t explain this as eloquently or succinctly as some other people. And I can’t explain this from the perspective of someone who’s directly being harmed by this crossover (because I am also white and a gentile). And I’m sure many people people who are direct targets of Nazis would tell you that “isn’t it enough that it is harming me?” and they would be right, full stop. That would be an acceptable answer.

But I’m going to do my best to give you the understanding I genuinely think you’re looking for, allowing for the fact that others may have more to add or clarify, and allowing for the fact that my answer is inherently limited by my privilege.

I trust that you’ll read to the end, even though it’s long. And if at the end you still can’t understand, or you think I’m exaggerating, then I urge you to think on this, to sleep on it, and to read more and more about it. And even without understanding, to respect the voices of the Jewish (and gay, and Rroma) people who’ve spoken out about these problems time and again when things like this crop up. Amplify those voices, even if you can’t see the long-term ramifications of why this is ‘Bad’ yet.

First, the issue here cannot be reduced to “Nazis are the villains of the crossover.” Because that [.] at the end is actually a […]. It really goes like this: Nazis are the villains of the crossover…

… and the premise is based on the notion that Nazis won and have world domination.

… and that premise implies that Nazis are so powerful that with a bit of ‘bad luck’ in history, Nazis could have won.

… and that premise contributes to the mythic aggrandizing of Nazism that makes so many people Nazi sympathizers or apologists.

… and many heroes doppelgangers are Nazis. 

… and Jewish-coded heroes’ doppels are Nazis.

… and a Jewish-coded hero who came to earth at age 12 and was raised on better principles than that still became a Nazi.

… and that notion spits on the original intent of the Jewish creators of these characters.

… and all of this implies that “good and heroic” people can still turn out to be Nazis, undermining the very message heroes should send. (Being a hero only when it’s easy is not being a hero at all. Doing the right thing when it’s against what society enforces is what makes them heroes.)

… and this turns the heroes that people (including Jewish people) look up to for hope and comfort into symbols of hatred and genocide.

… and the Nazis interrupt an interracial marriage between a Black woman and a Jewish-coded hero (who is canonically Jewish in parallel media like the DCEU) for the sake of drama.

… and the Nazi doppelganger outfits are designed to look ~*sexy*~ to an uncritical viewer.

… and the ~*sexy*~ doppel outfits include genuine Nazi symbols from WW2, which are pretty damn triggering to a lot of people. (But yet no sign of a swastika because that would most likely turn those uncritical viewers too far off).

… and they’re ~*sexy*~ enough that people already want to cosplay that Nazi and buy merchandise of that Nazi paraphernalia.

… and the promo photos show that a Jewish woman and a Black woman are going to be targeted specifically, thus capitalizing directly off threats and violence to actual historical victims of the Nazis.

… and the promo photos treat Wellsobard (many people’s fave villain) as an allusion to Dr. Mengele, one of the most infamously disgusting and reprehensible people to ever exist.

… and the promos show us images of a gay character and actor wearing a ‘Pink Triangle’ once again being used as a symbol of hate and shame.

… and there is a good chance that a Jewish character (Martin) is going to get killed off during this crossover.

…and the storyline is likely focused on the love story between a white gentile and a Jewish woman who gets targeted by his evil Nazi doppelganger.

… and the shows already have a history of antisemitism by putting a Jewish woman in a gas chamber (wtf Arrow), killing a Jewish one-off villain with radiation in a compressed chamber (Atom Smasher, wtf The Flash), erasing the Jewish identity of some characters (e.g., Ray Palmer) and failing to mention another’s (Martin’s) in three seasons (c’mon Legends), and no-doubt more.

… and … this list goes on. It really does. This is not exhaustive.

And you might be tempted to think “but if the Nazis are defeated, and shown unequivocally to be the bad guys, then isn’t it okay? Isn’t it historically accurate that the Nazis would target the Jewish and Black and LGBTQ characters and wear Nazi symbols anyway? Many of the main producers are Jewish or gay, they’re not trying to say anything good about Nazis.”

So this is where we have to talk about narrative framing, implicit associations, and sociological implications.

The concept of framing in psychology deals with how we can present the exact same information in different ways and get vastly different responses. How we present information, even paired down to simple basic statistics, massively impacts how people internalize and encode that information and therefore how they respond to it.

In narrative, we know that how we frame a character’s motives and background influence how they’ll be perceived by the audience. So many heroes in action movies kill and murder their way through a scene, but their crimes are justified by the narrative frame, whereas the villain’s won’t be. Or in order to humanize villains and make them sympathetic, the narrative may shift the viewer’s paradigm by re-framing the information: yes this villain is an asshole who hurt your favourite character, but they’re doing it because of [x].

So when we look at the crossover, we have to interrogate how it’s being framed. Are the Nazis villains? Yes? Good, check. … But the Nazis are also doppelgangers of our beloved heroes?… Okay, right off the bat, that’s bad. 

That will make some people inherently sympathize with the Nazis doppels and like them. We have an emotional and automatic response to these faces, to these people, that is going to work faster and parallel to how our conscious brain responds to them, and many viewers (those who don’t have an automatic and massively negative knee-jerk response to the premise or the symbolism already built in) will have to be consciously and continuously inhibiting any decision to feel some positive sense toward those characters, and many viewers aren’t going to put in that conscious effort, especially not while the narrative is so distracting. 

(For the record, if you consciously create this negative association it’ll become automatic. We aren’t born hating Nazi symbolism, we encode associations to it, and if you continuously encode negative ones, then you’ll hate other things associated with that symbolism too!)

So now in the crossover, by how our brain creates associations, if we have a positive association with that hero, there is an association now between that hero and their doppelganger, and that doppel and Nazi symbolism. That creates a link between positive feelings and Nazi symbolism. Say what? Look, our brains are simple in their associations and categorizations. There’s ways around this, but if we leave these associations unchecked, this can happen. Especially for viewers who won’t recognize and understand the symbolism like the ‘SS’ on Overgirl’s chest (i.e., younger viewers who are most impressionable and who the education system has seriously failed, and privileged viewers who weren’t taught to have strong negative associations to these less well known Nazi symbols). 

And we already know this is happening. This is literally why we have articles on popular press outlets saying they want to buy merch of Overgirl (Supergirl’s Nazi doppel)’s outfit, which is literally emblazoned across the chest with Nazi symbols. People are saying they want to buy actual Nazi merch and the crossover hasn’t even aired yet. Just… let that sink in for a sec?

So. 

That’s one reason why making heroes as Nazis is bad, and why making Nazis sexy is bad. Because of the automatic associations our brains make with those beloved characters, and even with attraction. If we find something attractive or beautiful, we tend to have automatic associations with that as ‘good’. Beautiful = moral is one of the stronger associations we have and it’s reinforced by media time and again. (Conversely to ugly = evil, or evil = queer. And female villains are often designed for sex appeal but it’s misogynistic anyway because it deals with a lot of bullshit about feminine purity and evil seductresses, and still conflates these associations our brains are going to make).

And look, it’s 2017. We have Richard Spencer the literal Neo Nazi on TV and articles about how this ‘alt-right’ leader is sexy and cool. We don’t need DCTV to jump on the bandwagon of making Nazis seem “cool”. Human beings experience approach motivations toward things we find attractive. The only option is to experience disgust and anger in response to people like Spencer and characters like Overgirl, or else we may fall prey to the implicit associations put forth by the media itself.

And that’s the problem: the media (the DCTV shows) are putting these associations there and forcing the viewers to work against them if we want to watch this and not come out of it as worse people for it. It’s designed to be entertaining and thrilling and they spent millions of dollars making it that way, and so much of that budget went to making the villains what they are.

So it’s not enough for them to say that Nazis are the villains or even to show them getting their asses kicked if they set the Nazis up to start as all-powerful world dominators. It’s not enough to have these characters say “I hate Nazis” when they show their doppels as Nazis and capable of those atrocities.

And if you’re starting to think “there’s an important message here. About how Nazis can look classically attractive but we shouldn’t be taken in by that, and about nature versus nurture and how we need to actively push back against evil within ourselves or else, in another dimension or if things had gone different, even we could be evil.”

That’s… tempting to argue. It’s an important message, to be sure. But given the stylized outfits and triggering imagery and the way they’ve set up the narrative, I don’t anticipate that’s the message we’re getting here. I mean, I think it’ll come up, most definitely, but I don’t think it’s what the viewer is ultimately going to take away from this. Not in the “I need to look within myself and push back against my own biases” sort of way. That’s not the way they’ve framed this.

And for a comparison point, if you want a narrative that says “White supremacists are all evil, don’t get taken in by one who seems ~reasonable~ and looks normal, and see what these modes of thought actually look like” then watch the movie Imperium (2016) and see how they handle it. (And then compare that to American History X, which apparently some Neo Nazis like, even though it’s inherently anti-Nazi, because it paints them as being powerful and is full of the visual symbolism they uphold).

Because the way they’re currently framing the CW crossover, it’s really just about amping up the drama? And they’ve capitalizing on intergenerational trauma of the Jewish community and the collective trauma of the Holocaust to the gay community. And I’ve said elsewhere that I have no doubt the intent was good, but good intentions aren’t enough. 

If the producers don’t understand the damage they can cause by making ~*sexy*~ Nazis literally capable of world-domination (they’re not, they never were, they were superstitious and put genocide and hate over actual scientific advancements and their disgusting experiments on humans didn’t teach us near as much as people pretend they did), and re-writing heroes as Nazis (which, if anyone recalls, created a huge outcry when Marvel wrote Captain America as a Nazi) then regardless of their intent, they need to rethink their storytelling. Or if they really think that the right way to make a statement about the rise of Neo Nazism in the wake of the Trump election is to put the ‘SS’ symbol on Supergirl’s chest and make Eobard into Dr. Mengele, to recycle imagery of actual Nazis from WW2 and put a pink triangle on a gay man’s chest in 2017…. they don’t get it. Whatever their intent and regardless of where they’re coming from, they don’t fucking get it.

Sorry, I’m getting worked up. My point is that if they wanted to make a statement about things today, there were a million better ways to do it, and I could list at least 5 off the top of my head right now. But those would be more controversial, harder to pitch and sell, and not as stylized or easy to promote. So stylish Nazis is what we got. And that’s just… such a problem, including literally the ‘stylish’ part of that sentence.

Nazism and white supremacy are inherently performative. Nazis were all about the #aesthetic. They aligned themselves with famous designers for their uniforms. They had the villainous dramatic flair, and they used it to their advantage. Having that in the crossover might be historically accurate, but it falls right into what the Nazis themselves do: make themselves look good to amp up this notion that they are good. 

And a problem with depicting them this way (instead of making them pathetic, vacuous, hate-filled to the point of self-defeat, self-important to the point of being ultimately silly and sad, punching down their notions of grandeur) is that actual Nazis like it. They like being portrayed as sexy, powerful, and cool. And depictions like that help them with their recruiting. “Look, isn’t Overgirl sexy? She’s like our mascot. They know that when we take back this country from foreigner invaders, this is how it’s gonna look.” Because they say when, not if, and they recruit by framing themselves as the victim in a struggle against invaders and usurpers. Make no mistake, white supremacy is a victim complex of untold proportions and having attractive, fan-favorited characters championing their cause helps spread their message.

But let’s get back to the crossover’s broader sociological message and stop talking about actual modern-day Nazis for a sec.

Nazis have been the villains in DCTV before. On Legends in 1942, and with Damien Darhk (again, actual literal Nazi, and again, the narrative has made him “entertaining” in the eyes of some viewers and keeps bringing him back over and over as a villain?). Nazis have also been the villain in pop culture for half a century. Indiana Jones. Star Wars comes to mind in particular. They’re not shy about the fact that their villains are explicitly based on Nazis and the Nazi regime. Which is working out so well considering how many people are mooning over Kylo Ren when he’s a genocidal fascist who murdered his own father (”but it’s okay because he’s just misunderstood, and by that I mean I find the actor attractive and I, too, have anger and angst so I identify with him, this Nazi”). At least in Star Wars it’s figurative, I guess?

And the thing about these narratives, the problem with these narratives, is that they fictionalize Nazis. This isn’t necessarily a reason to vehemently boycott these media or rail against them, but just, as a general phenomenon that’s happened over time, many people - and by this I mostly mean privileged people and people who don’t feel particularly targeted by Nazism - tend to think of Nazis as this cinematic enemy. This prop, this simple narrative device. This way of commenting on the past more than the present, or alluding to something about the present as a mere metaphor, and that metaphor tends to go over the heads of half the viewers anyway because most people aren’t taught to critically evaluate media except in high school english classes that no one takes seriously.

And fictionalized Nazis don’t look like real Nazis in the 21st century. So when real Nazis do gather, many people don’t realize just how bad that is, just how violent their coming together is going to be, and just why need to fight back against such demonstrations and against letting Nazis have any space or voice in our society. It’s like that “this is fine” dog cartoon where he doesn’t see an issue until the house burns around him? Making Nazis into a fictional narrative device can make it harder for many people to actually see the flames burning around them, because they’ve been taught that “real” fires look different than the ones already starting to burn their house down.

Finally, I’ll just come back to point number 1: this is hurting people. In a way that going to 1942 and letting Mick Rory roast Nazis didn’t. And as privileged individuals, we have a responsibility to call out and call attention to the issues in this media and to amplify others’ voices. But as human beings more generally? We also owe a duty of compassion to others. 

Sure, there are a lot of people who aren’t hurt by this, but there are a lot who are. Who are shaking and sick to their stomachs and afraid for what’s happening in 2017 and how the tides of the world are turning. Who worry that this crossover is just another example of how casual people are about Nazism and who worry about everything I’ve listed here in detail as the broader effects of media like this and its current framing, even if they don’t have the language to articulate it all in one place like this. People who feel these effects, and feel the target on their back.

We owe those people some compassion, yeah? So when they say it hurts, we don’t need to say: why? That can come later. Our first question should instead be: how can I help?

[sushigirlali]

If You Don’t Love Me, Lie To My Face - Part III (Reylo Fanfic)

Part I | Part II | Part III | Epilogue 

Summary: Grifter!Rey helps U.S. Senator Leia Organa’s son, Ben Solo, out of a jam when a couple of muggers invade her turf. Afterward, she debates robbing the rich American herself, but can she protect her heart while stealing his?

Pairing: Rey + Ben Solo | Finn + Poe Dameron

Rating: E

Continuity: Modern AU

A/N: Thanks for coming along on this journey with me! I had so much fun writing this fic, it's been in my head forever! I'd love it if you checked out my other fics too :)

Master list –> AO3 | ff.net | Tumblr

——————

If You Don’t Love Me, Lie To My Face - Part III

By: sushigirlali

——————

Kennington, London

——————

Cracking her door open, Rey was glad to see Ben sitting up in her double bed. "Feeling better?" she said hopefully.

"Yeah, except for the massive headache," he winced.

"Maybe this will help?" She crossed to her window and closed the curtains, making the room darker. "Would you like a cold rag for your head?"

"That would be great," he said thankfully.

Going into her small attached bathroom, she grabbed a cotton washcloth from below the sink and ran it under the cold faucet for a few seconds. Squeezing out the excess, she returned to Ben's side and sat next to him on the flowery comforter. Brushing his hair back, she gently placed the cloth over his wide forehead.

"That's nice," he sighed, leaning into her touch. "Where are we?"

"Finn's and my place. We're actually only a couple blocks from The Black Prince."

He looked around her sparsely furnished room. "Nice but functional," he said. The walls were sand colored and held several pieces of fine art, but the only personal touches were the collection of photos of Rey and her brother scattered atop a large oak dresser in the corner. "Not exactly the Batcave I had pictured, though."

"Batcave?" she snorted. "We traffic in stolen goods, Ben. We're not heroes."

"Still my hero," he murmured, taking her free hand.

"Is there anything else I can get you?"

"Just stay with me."

"Alright," she whispered, wondering if he remembered all the pronouncements he'd made on the way into the building. "Can I lay next to you?"

"Please," he nodded, scooting over a bit. "Did you remove my shoes?"

"Yeah, when we brought you in," she said, making sure the washcloth wouldn't slip before curling into his side. "Are you comfortable?"

"As comfortable as I can be lying in bed with you while not being able to do anything about it," he said with a strained laugh.

"Well, there's always tomorrow," she smiled.

"I certainly hope so," he said idly, pulling their linked hands onto his chest. "I meant what I said, you know."

She turned her cheek to look up at him. "What do you mean?"

"I think I'm in love with you."

"Oh, you do remember," she said blankly, unsure how to react. It was one thing to hear the words in apparent jest, but… Ben sounded perfectly coherent now.

"It's okay if you don't feel the same way, I know it's too fast," he continued bravely. "I just wanted you to know. I'm not sure what's going to happen and I may need to leave London for a while."

"Leave?" she said numbly, half sitting up to stare down at him. "Why would you leave?"

"Well, my mother may need me back in the States. This business with the First Order probably can't be resolved here."

"Why not?" she demanded. "We can fight them! I can train you!"

"Rey," he said helplessly, "we don't even know exactly why they're after me. It has to do with my mother's campaign, I'm sure, but the particulars are still unknown. And I appreciate the offer, but a physical confrontation won't solve anything."

She fell silent, knowing he was right but hating it just the same. It was the first time in a long time that she felt truly helpless. “I only know how to fight with my fists, but that won't work this time. Still, the thought of losing him when they'd only just found each other was unbearable.”

"Listen," he murmured, tugging her down on top of him, "I don't want to go. I don't want to leave you. I want to see where this thing between us goes."

"So, don't," she begged, leaning down to kiss his soft lips. "Be with me."

"Rey," he breathed, deepening the kiss. "Rey, I—"

"Ben!" They shot apart as Poe burst into the room, Finn at his heels. "Are you alright?"

Covering his eyes with the damp cloth, Ben guiltily sank back onto the bed like his mother had caught him necking. "Oh, what'd you have to call him for."

"Shut up," Poe said, flinging a huge medical kit onto the edge of the mattress. He opened the case and retrieved a small flashlight and a stethoscope.

"How many jobs do you have?" Rey said incredulously. "I hope he's paying you enough, geesh."

"A lot, I was an army medic before this," he said shortly. "And no, he doesn't. At least, not enough to put up with being his friend."

"I'm still here, you know," Ben mumbled, tugging the compress off his face to frown at them.

Poe indicated for Rey to move so that he could get to Ben's right side. She obligingly rolled over into sitting position as he shined the penlight in Ben's face.

"Follow the light with your left eye. Okay, now with your right. And again." When he was satisfied, Poe dropped the light and used the stethoscope to listen to Ben's heart. Murmuring a pleased sound, he moved to inspect the bump on Ben's head. "Alright," he said, not seeming too bothered by it, which was heartening, "let me check your blood pressure just in case, but I don't think you have a concussion."

"So, I'm not dying?" Ben said drolly.

"Not today, buddy."

"Thanks, Poe, I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Me either," he said pointedly. "Now, if you feel like you can stand, maybe we can all go out to the living room and talk things over. I've already called Leia—don't look at me like that, she needed to know—so, I have a lot to tell you."

"Is it bad?" Ben asked.

"Yeah, Snoke wants her to drop out of the senatorial race and endorse him instead," Poe said darkly.

"Or else?"

"Or else he'll kill you."

——————

"So, Poe, what kind of Chinese food do you like?" Finn queried, flipping through a stack of menus in the kitchen.

"Again?" Poe looked at Rey and Ben.

"Well, we never actually got around to eating dinner last night," Ben said sheepishly.

Rey hid a smirk, remembering why. "Come to think of it, I don't think I've eaten anything since yesterday afternoon."

"What?" Ben and Finn rounded on her.

"Peanut, you can't just starve yourself!" Finn said.

"Why didn't you tell me, sweetheart?" Ben asked. "I would've grabbed you a roll off the table at lunch!"

"Hey!" Rey blustered, putting one hand on her hip. "You," she pointed at Ben, "kicked me out after he," she pointed at Finn, "sent a bunch of incriminating text messages! I didn't really have time to eat between then and now!"

"I said I was sorry!" Finn defended.

"Well, I'm sorry!" Ben said at the same time.

"Sweet and sour."

"Huh?" the trio said, turning to Poe.

"My favorite Chinese dish is sweet and sour pork with white rice," he stated clearly. "Can we move this circus along? It's starting to get dark."

"Sure, I'll add it to the order!" Finn said congenially. "But just so you know, you're welcome to stay the night if we go too late."

"And sleep where?" Poe scoffed. "That dingy sofa?"

Finn smiled broadly. "I'm sure we could find you a bed."

"Oh," Poe flushed, seeming to catch his meaning. "Well… maybe, I guess. If it gets too late."

Exchanging a speculative glance, Rey and Ben strategically moved into the living room. "Order us whatever, we're just gonna watch the telly."

"Yeah, fine," Finn said carelessly, still looking at Poe.

"So, what do you like?" Poe casually inquired.

"Oh, you know, a little bit of everything."

——————

An eternity later, or forty minutes, she wasn't sure, a delivery man dropped off a mountain of delicious takeaway.

"Am I in heaven?" Rey purred, opening box after box of food.

"Definitely," Ben chuckled, passing out plates and chopsticks.

Finn sat down next to Poe and across from Rey at their small rectangular dinner table. "So, why's old man Snoke after you, anyway?"

Ben's movements became a little clumsy, but he managed to sit down and start filling his plate without spilling anything. "I worked for him out of college. He was a political opponent of my mother's and I wanted to… break away for a while."

Rey placed a comforting hand on his thigh under the table. "What happened?"

"It was fine for a little while," Ben explained, "I felt like my own man for the first time in my life…"

"But?"

"But then I caught him doing some pretty unsavory stuff, so I left," he finished. She could tell there was more to the story, but she didn't press. "My family tried to warn me about him, but I didn't listen. And now it seems he's trying to destroy us all."

"Well, we're not going to let him," Rey said fiercely.

"Thanks," Ben beamed, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

The four of them ate quickly, then retired to the living room to plot.

"I'm expecting a call from your mom soon," Poe informed them. "Leia said she was going to call Han and see what he could do to help."

"Han?" Rey said curiously.

"My father," Ben put in. "He's kind of a…"

"Criminal?" Poe finished.

Ben twisted his hand from side to side, "Kind of? It depends on the day and who owes him a favor."

"But isn't your mom a U.S. Senator?" Rey said, surprised. "How can your dad be involved in criminal activity and be married to her?"

"Honestly, in our country, it'd be weirder if he wasn't," Ben lamented.

"Huh."

"At any rate, what can he do to help?" Finn piped up.

"Well, he has connections in—wait, this is her calling." Poe pushed the talk button and then put it on speaker. "Leia? You're on with Ben and me and some… friends. What's the latest?"

"Ben?!" she said at once. "Are you alright, sweetheart?"

"I'm fine, mother, just a scratch," he assured her. "How are you?"

"At my wit's end!" she said honestly. "Han thinks he's found a legal solution to this debacle, shockingly, but I'm afraid I may have to drop out of the race before we're sure."

"You'd really do that?" Ben sounded dumbfounded.

"Of course, darling, I love you more than my career."

"Mom…"

"Now, I know this may be a lot to ask, but would you consider coming home for the time being?" Leia said solemnly. "Poe has told me about your young woman, but I'm worried about your safety in London."

Rey kept her eyes averted when Ben turned to look at her. Despite her initial resistance to the idea when they were alone, she didn't want him making decisions about his safety based on her feelings.

"I—yeah, I can do that," he conceded.

"Excellent, my assistant booked two tickets for you and Poe tomorrow morning at 9:00AM, a direct flight from Heathrow to Dulles," Leia said briskly.

"Thanks, mother," Ben said tightly. "Pretty sure of yourself, huh?"

"Just hopeful," she responded airily. "Poe, please bring him straight home once you arrive."

"Yes, ma'am," Poe said dutifully. "We'll see you soon."

"Good night, then, and stay out of trouble!"

Staring blindly at the phone as Ben's mother ended the call, Rey jumped when he put an arm around her.

"I know it's still early, but since we have to be on a flight first thing tomorrow, why don't we try to get some rest?" Ben proposed. "It's been a long day."

Rey nodded and let him help her up. She heard Finn and Poe talking, but was too distracted by her own troubles to really listen. Whatever they decided about Poe staying over, she hoped Finn's heart wasn't as in danger of being broken as hers.

——————

Following Ben into her room, she barely noticed when he sat her on the bed and went to turn on the shower. Though her life of crime was far from normal, everything that had happened in the last 24-hours seemed like something out of a pulpy romance novel. "How did I let this happen?" she mused. It was beyond ridiculous that she should be so downtrodden about a man she hadn't even known yesterday morning leaving her.

"Rey, can you come in here, please?" Ben called.

Rousing, she slipped off the bed and walked into the bathroom. He was already in the shower stall, clothing folded neatly on top of the toilet seat. "What is it?"

He pulled back the opaque white curtain and she caught her breath at the full force of his nudity. "Do you have anything I can wear tonight? I just realized that I don't have a change of clothes."

"No," she said absently, tracing his glistening muscles with hooded eyes.

"No?" he repeated.

"No," she affirmed, starting to strip. "You won't be needing clothes tonight, Ben."

"I won't?" he gulped.

Rey let her clothing fall into a heap at her feet, not bothering to pick them up. "No," she confirmed, placing a hand on his stomach and pushing him backward so that she could join him. Ben's muscles jumped under her touch, making her feel powerful.

"Rey," he said softly, gazing down at her like she was the beginning and end of his rainbow.

His expression made it all better, somehow. Like maybe this thing between them wouldn't end when he left.

Warm water splashing over them, Rey wasted no time in palming his rapidly hardening penis. "Are you still dizzy?" she asked, just holding him in her hand for a moment.

"No," he choked, leaning against the cool tiled wall so that she had more room.

"Do you have a headache?" she persisted, dragging her thumb over his weeping tip.

He shook his head. "The painkillers Poe gave me helped."

"That's good," she murmured, stroking him up and down a few times. "I can barely wrap my fingers around you. Do you see?"

"Yes," he groaned, fists clenching at his sides as he let her do what she wanted.

"You're so big I'm not sure if you'll fit inside my mouth," she added huskily. "Should I try? What do you think?"

"God, Rey! Please!"

"I love it when you say my name like that. Do it again and maybe I'll suck your cock," she taunted playfully.

"Fuck, Rey!" he shuddered, eyes going nearly black with lust. "I want it! I want your mouth on me, Rey! Baby, please!"

"Well," she said demurely, maneuvering so that she could kneel in front of him without getting sprayed in the face with water, "how can I say no when you ask me so nicely."

"Rey!" he gasped at the first press of her lips against his plump head.

"Mmm," she agreed, tonguing his salty skin. "Did you invite me in here because you wanted to get fucked?"

"Yes!" he admitted.

She ran her fingers along his shaft as her mouth continued to work on his crown. "So, anyone would do for you, then?"

"No!" Ben denied. "No, only you! I only want you! You're everything to me, Rey!"

"You don't even know me," she charged, driven by personal demons that she was only just realizing had prevented her from forming long term attachments to anyone but Finn.

"I do know you," he argued. "My heart knows you, my body knows you. I want you forever, Rey!"

"Then why are you leaving me?" she said almost involuntarily.

His eyes grew wide in sudden understanding. "I'm coming back," he promised, touching her sodden hair.

"Why?"

"Because I love you."

Rey bit her lip. "How can you be so sure? This could be anything."

"It's love," he insisted.

Feeling her walls starting to crack, Rey renewed her attentions, half swallowing his cock in one go, determined to make sure that he remembered her. Ben swore he was going to come back, and somewhere in the back of her mind she believed him, but better safe than sorry.

"I want him to wake up every day and wish he were here with me. I want him to come back. I want him more than anything!"

Hollowing her cheeks, she took him as best she could, bobbing her head up and down in time with the movement of her hands. Ben was gasping her name on every pull, tunneling his fingers into her hair in an attempt to hold on without overwhelming her.

She knew he could take control if he really wanted to, he was much bigger than her, but despite taking immense pleasure in what she was doing to him, he still cared about her and wanted to enjoy her efforts without hurting her. "Fuck, I think I love him too."

"Rey, I'm going to—can I—on your breasts?" he panted, knees starting to shake.

Releasing him from the moist cavern of her mouth with an audible pop, she gripped him tightly between her hands. "Are you going to paint my chest, Ben?" she said in a low voice. "Do you want to make a mess all over me?"

Flushed and overwhelmed, Ben's whole body vibrated as he came, spurting across her skin like a hot brand. It was the most erotic thing Rey had ever experienced, and she'd fucked Ben bareback in a public restroom. "Wow," she said, awed by the wild look on his face.

He pulled her up by the hair in response, crushing her in a tight hug and taking her lips in a bruising kiss. Rey revealed in the feel of his arms around her, in the sticky seed sliding between their bodies. He seemed as out of control as she felt and she loved it.

"Take me to bed!" she begged, throwing her arms around his neck. "I want you on top of me and inside me! Right now!"

"I will," he said thickly, "but let me tidy you up a bit first." Quickly grabbing a loofah, he scrubbed them clean, running the sponge across her chest and between her legs until she moaned. Closing the faucet, he whipped the curtain back and scooped her up, dutifully carrying her back into the other room without bothering to dry them off.

Squealing as he dumped her onto her back, Rey scarcely had time to recover as he blanketed her with his damp body. He was already hard again, pressing insistently against her flat stomach. "I thought it was supposed to take longer for older men to get it back up," she teased.

"With you in their bed? Not likely," he growled, attacking her neck.

"Mmm… good to know, Solo." She turned her head to the side, enjoying the rough pressure. "But since this is my bed, I think that means I get to call the shots."

Ben seemed to like that idea quite a bit. "You'll have to tell me what you want, then," he said gruffly, sucking on the skin beneath her ear.

She curled her legs around his waist and pulled him closer. "I think you know."

"Yeah? Something like this?" he said, nudging her entrance with a flex of his hips.

Rey rocked from side to side in response, not hard enough for him to slip into her, but enough to create a delicious friction. "Getting warm."

He reached between them, rubbing her hood while pressing just inside her wet pussy. "How about this?"

"Warmer," she sighed, lifting her hips to draw him in deeper.

Ben filled her slowly, so slowly she felt light headed by the time his possession was complete. "Now?"

"Hot," she muttered, "so hot."

They moved in concert, not hurried like every time before, but in long, languid strokes. Ben continued kissing her skin, dancing between her neck, breasts, shoulders, and face. Being with him like this was everything she had ever wanted… and the sweetest expression of love she'd ever experienced.

Suddenly, she had to tell him. She may never get another chance. "Ben?" she said urgently.

"What is it?"

"About what you said earlier? About loving me?"

"Yes?"

"I think I love you too," she confessed.

He pushed her hair back, fixing her with an intense stare. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"We just met yesterday," he reminded her, "and you're still young."

"I know," she smiled, "but I do."

"I—thank you," he said so gratefully that she felt like crying. "I love you, Rey. It's all going to work out, you'll see."

"I believe you," she said. And this time, she really did.

——————

They lay close afterward, Ben spooning Rey's back. "What will you and Finn do while we're gone?"

"Get into trouble, probably," she responded, just to see what'd he say.

"Why am I not surprised?" he laughed. "At least promise me you'll be careful?"

"You don't want me to quit?" she said curiously.

"Well, I'd obviously rather you engaged in a less dangerous occupation, but it's not contingent on us being together," he assured her. "I know you're not literally stealing from the rich to give to the poor, but I don't think you'd never actually hurt someone."

"Just the odd goon in dark alleyways," she joked.

"Just them," he agreed.

Rey gathered her courage, knowing that she could trust his opinion about her future. "I've actually been thinking about going to university," she said tentatively.

"Really?" he replied. "What would you like to study?"

"Mechanical engineering," she admitted. "Do you think that's crazy?"

"Not at all," he said sincerely. "My dad actually went to school for that. He ended up dropping out before I was born, but now he runs his own airplane maintenance business."

"Wow, that's great!"

"Yeah, I'm occasionally proud of him," he chuckled.

"Do you think you'd be more likely to come back if I went on the straight and narrow?"

"I told you, it doesn't—"

"Don't say it doesn't matter," she interrupted, glad he couldn't see her face. "I come from nothing, you must know that by now. Finn and I barely escaped the foster system and your mother is a huge political figure. What if I embarrass you?"

"You won't," he said soothingly, kissing the back of her neck. "My mother is passionate about public service, but she isn't a total snob. She did marry my father, after all."

"Ben, I'm not kidding," Rey pouted. "Listen, I.. I want you to come back, okay?"

"And you don't think I will unless you change everything about yourself?"

She turned in his arms, affronted. "Don't be so conceited, it would be for myself as well."

"Yeah?"

"Yes! I want to build stuff, to make something with my own hands. I worked for a mechanic once. It was fun, taking cars apart and trying to fit them back together."

"Sounds like you've got it all figured out," he said, brushing her lips with his.

"Well," she said, kissing him back, "better late than never."

——————

Finn drove them to Heathrow the next morning and the mood inside his dented car was tense. It was like the last day at summer camp, that dreadful feeling of leaving your new best friend and going back to real life. You both say you're going to write or call, but will you?

"I have a bad feeling about this…"

Parking in a satellite lot instead of going to the drop off, the four of them walked into the airport together. Ben and Poe stayed with Rey and Finn until their plane started boarding and they had to get in the security line, not really talking but simply existing in the same space for a while longer.

"Call me," Ben told her when their flight was announced a second time. "Whenever you want. You've got my new number, right?"

"Right," she said, eyes bright. "Don't do anything stupid or I'll kick your ass."

"I promise I'll be careful."

Rey hugged him tightly, gripping the back of his black pullover. "I'll see you, then."

Ben tilted her chin up and kissed her soundly. "Yeah, you will. Goodbye, sweetheart."

Rey let him go. "Goodbye."

Finn wrapped an arm around her shoulders as they watched them walk away. "It'll be okay, sis. They'll be back, you'll see."

——————

"So, how'd it go with Finn last night?" Ben asked as they neared the waiting area. "I meant to ask earlier."

"We talked for a long time and actually found that we have a lot in common."

"Only talked?" Ben said teasingly, knocking his shoulder into Poe's.

"We might have also kissed this morning," Poe shoved him back, "but that's it. Not everybody makes marriage proposals on the first day, Solo."

"Oh, god, he told you about that?" Ben groaned.

"As I said, we talked a lot," Poe snickered.

"So, do you intend to see him again?"

"Yeah, when we get back."

"That's great!" Ben congratulated. "Hopefully they both keep out of trouble while we're gone."

"Finn said he's getting tired of ripping off rich people and wants to do something else with his life," Poe enlightened him.

"Really?" Ben said thoughtfully. "He's a great driver, you know. I wonder if he'll pursue something along those lines."

"Hmm… I know some guys in the local racing circuit. I'll mention it the next time we talk." Poe retrieved their tickets as they neared the gate. "What about Rey? Is she planning to keep up with the Robin Hood act?"

"She mentioned going to school for mechanical engineering, but I'm not sure." Ben handed his passport to the flight attendant, then followed Poe down the jet bridge after their tickets were scanned. "I got the impression that they have a lot of connections in the city, but I don't think anyone will come after them if they change up their business model."

Poe chortled at his euphemism. "True, Finn basically told me they don't have a crew, that it's just the two of them, so hopefully if they decide to…" he lowered his voice as they boarded the plane, "go legit… they won't get any heat for it."

"That would definitely be ideal."

"Are we asking too much of them?" Poe questioned, turning left into the first class section.

"No more than they're willing to give, I hope," Ben said, helping Poe stow their bags in the overhead compartment once they found their seats.

"And if they decide not to stop ripping people off?"

Ben let Poe take the window seat before dropping into the plush lounger next to him. "Then, they don't," he shrugged. "After the last couple days, being a grifter is honestly not a deal breaker."

"I'll drink to that," Poe said, pressing the call button. "After all, nobody's perfect."

——————

A/N: And then they went their separate ways... LOL JK! I've got a little more for you! Epilogue coming soon!