#i had a very similar pandemic experience lol

[suga-kookiemonster]

jimin going through some shit, overdrinking to compensate, and then only pulling himself back together cause he gotta go to work is truly relatable late-twenties behavior lmao

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

OK, I had a fleeting thought about the TTPD announcement then lost it and now I think I remember what it was, so bear with me.

Disclaimer: I don’t actually think this is what the intro is alluding to! I think the poem is a direct reference to the actual songs on the TTPD! Or at least its themes. But, it’s stuck in my head and you all know I love to write about her albums so here we are.

The introduction to the album has us all gagged, right? The opening salvo of what is going to be a gut punch of a tale:

For some reason last night, my brain likened these lines to the relationship’s corresponding albums.

And so I enter into evidence

The thesis statement: She’s looking back on her own words, a reflection of her lived experience, what she shared and what she didn’t. She is submitting the case files for consideration:

My tarnished coat of arms

Reputation: an album about the how the world turned against her, but she found a love that felt safe and warm amidst the storm. Her very identity was put into question and she had to relearn what mattered to her. Yet, as we’ve since gleaned, that growth also seemed to be part of what ultimately doomed the relationship, and caused immeasurable heartbreak in the process.

My muses, acquired like bruises

Lover: His presence and their love inspired some of her most vulnerable love songs, where she put her own anxieties, fears and hopes in the spotlight, opening herself up to a degree that reached new heights in her music and her life. But those same vulnerabilities also left her open to greater hurt, especially if those same things may have been used as a flashpoint for conflict.

*To be clear: I think there actual muses she’s referring to on the album are multiple; I kind of get the feeling that it’s going to be about her body of work, that it may not just be about an individual or individuals but a whole host of “muses” that have inspired and hurt her, but… That doesn’t fit into this post lol.

My talismans and charms

Folklore and Evermore: Using the “magic” of fiction or esoteric stories to process feelings she may have been experiencing, or to deal with difficult situations she felt like she couldn’t share, did not want to, or maybe did not realize were as severe as she now knows they were in hindsight.

(Talismans and charms both being objects believed to hold magical properties to protect against evil/bring good fortune)

In other words, using the two pandemic albums to stave off difficult choices/realizations, escaping into this alternate reality (the cabin in the woods, as it were). Putting a magic spell over them for a time to “protect” them from the world turning upside down, perhaps by the way she pulled him into her world for a little bit too. But also as it turns out protecting herself from what might have been happening in front of her in the fallout. Using her music as a lifeline for herself, but also in some ways for them. Because the music is always going to be the way forward.

The tick, tick, tick of love bombs

Midnights: A survey of difficult sleepless nights throughout her life, and the aftermath of the things that kept her up at night. As we’ve all talked about, it feels pretty likely that the reason these ideas felt so salient to her was because she was processing similar feelings about her current relationship. It may have felt like there was a metaphorical clock ticking about the fate of the relationship, counting down to a now-inevitable explosion.

(Also interesting: all the clock imagery in the Midnights artwork and promotion.)

The wordplay of the bomb-ticking with love-bombing is both genius and distressing and may be its own post once TTPD is released because the implications are… uncomfortable to say the least. It’s very, “now you’re running down the hallway, you know what they all say, you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.” There’s the clock running to the end of the relationship, but it could also be a reference to coming to expect a profuse display of love after every conflict or instance of hurt, implying a cycle of dysfunction, whether in the past or present.

My veins of pitch black ink

The Tortured Poets Department: It’s not just an allusion to being metaphorically dead, blood turning dark once the heart has stopped beating (like the end of the relationship); her heart has gone cold. It’s more pointedly a reference to the words spilling out of her, the way writing is a lifeline. (Which she has said herself many times, but specifically about the promotion of TTPD on tour.) The songs on this album are swirling through her veins, and this bloodletting is a lifesaving act for her.

All’s fair in love and poetry

It’s the summation of the files she’s produced as evidence. She’s laying bare the good, the bad and the ugly throughout these chapters, and with the submission of TTPD, the final one, the jury can reach its final conclusion. (As will the relationship.)

The Chairman of the Tortured Poets Department has defended her thesis in six parts; it’s up to the board to do the rest.

(Can you tell I’m obsessed with this poem and I can’t wait to see how it ties in to the actual album?)

[power-chords]

apologies if you've explained this already, but tumblr search is trash, so I have to ask... why the obsession with michael mann, how did that start?

Oh, man. It’s a long story! In the early days of the pandemic I got a call from my favorite rock musician that he had read a short essay I’d written on his solo album, and he wanted me to contribute a piece to his band’s forthcoming box set. Dream come true obviously, couldn’t say no, so I immediately buckled down on the research end, which for me involved a deeper dive into said musician’s love of film. Mann was on the list of suspects alongside more definitive entries like Coppola and Scorsese, but that turned out to be a happy accident of misreading. (Major shout out to Adam here, by the way, because without his guidance I would have been working with a much more meandering home-brewed syllabus.)

I enjoy movies like any properly adjusted American but they don’t tend to put a spell on me the way music does, or make me want to disassemble the whole contraption piece by piece like a good written story. And Mann’s work was the first time I’d ever encountered films that could have the same effect on me as music and literature. They were hypnotic and enchanting and propulsive, like my favorite records, but they also suggested this dense subterranean architecture of potential meaning, obscured from immediate view but very much there and carefully, deliberately encoded. In other words, these films were like texts imploring (really, daring) you to interpret them.

That’s Mann’s methodology in a nutshell, basically — it’s a seduction gambit, and on me it worked spectacularly! It tapped into my grotesque hedonic animal brain and sparked an intellectual curiosity as well. For me that combination has a narcotic quality that’s hard to explain, but I have an addictive personality. And the more I watched his work, the more it ensnared me like The Footage.* (“WHAT is going on? What is this film doing to me??” Etc.) You have to understand I have no prior experiential basis for this, so as far as I’m concerned it’s witchcraft. By the time I turn in my piece for the box set I have this collateral situation developing, ha ha, oh no, and here I am three years later.

Initially I had wondered if Mann had been an influence on Dulli, but it turned out to be a case of convergent evolution. Or something akin to it. I think they’re just similar in terms of what subject matter they’re attracted to, maybe in their modes of perception and how they make aesthetic/narrative sense of the world. And there is some part of me that keys into that sensibility — whichever part precedes organized expression, maybe even conscious comprehension — and finds it cathartic and liberating and all that good stuff. (I’m a Safety First adrenaline junkie these days so I try to limit my habits to art and pop culture.)

And then he and Meg Gardiner co-wrote an actual book which provoked further investigations, escalations, whatever you want to call them. It turns out that the abyss really DOES stare back into you in the form of numerous spooky historical coincidences. I’m like afraid of Heat 2 at this point because the more I go trawling around in there the more it becomes an eldritch object, LOL. I’m the closest anyone has come to living the film Jumanji, let me put it that way. But the experience has been a blast. And I feel fortunate to have found yet another creator on par with Dulli and Townshend whose work I will be able to take with me and return to over the course of my life, and seek shelter in in that way.

*EVERYBODY READ PATTERN RECOGNITION BY WILLIAM GIBSON!

[raisinchallah]

i think nobody on earth has experienced a more perfect confluence of events to occur while watching the innocents than me and im afraid to rewatch it because i can never perfectly recreate the circumstances of that beautiful insane film experience because i was working as a nanny at the time with two kids a boy and a girl around the same age as the kids in the film and even like similar circumstances of children being pulled out of school tho in my real life case it was because of the pandemic not other mysterious events and left much more isolated than the average child etc and it was maybe one of my worst jobs ever and the various mental coping strategies to deal with the emotional fallout of that experience have lead to a few indelibly imprinted media experiences from that moment but none more specific than the innocents lol so im watching it lalala like ok this is all very eerie i am feeling so specifically targeted by this film i did partially watch it because of the lining up of life circumstance and film but like LITERALLY the day after i watched that film the kids decided for the first time they wanted to play hide and seek and this was like over a month in we had played many various games but not hide and seek and so im like sitting there crouched behind the piano in this huge fucking house as the children are looking around for me and im like flashing back to the scene in the film and getting a lil freaked out for a second and being like wow how on earth did i end up in this exact circumstance anyways im gonna read the turn of the screw but im kinda nervous to do so because again how perfect my film viewing experience was idk if i can open my heart to other experiences around this specific story..

[sixofcrowdaydreams]

There's a handful of reasons I relate to Wylan so strongly, but one of them has to be the unique experience of being an illiterate adult.

A few years ago, right before the pandemic, I moved across the world to work in a country where I didn't speak the main language. None of the languages commonly spoken in my new home uses the Latin alphabet so attempting to read and pronounce any letters/words in an unfamiliar writing system has been difficult.

Just don't be ignorant, you might think. Learn the language! For the record, I did. Well, I started to, but then the pandemic hit. My language class stopped and strict quarantines limited opportunities to practice. Two years and two babies later the world opened back up. Work and my tiny dictators, I mean, toddlers have kept me too busy to throw myself into learning the language with the gusto I once had. But over the years I've learned enough to get by with basic pleasantries: hello, goodbye, thank you, yes, no. Numbers 1-10. And how to order food at a restaurant. "How are you?" "Good." Unfortunately, that’s the limited extent of my conversational abilities.

The alphabet still trips me up and I often feel like a kindergartner slowly stringing syllables together and incorrectly sounding out words. Plus, there's the bonus of pronouncing the words but still not knowing they actually mean.

So I relate to Wylan a little bit in having to navigate the world at a disadvantage, one he cannot fully understand. Luckily for Wylan he can speak even though he can’t read, which gives him more coping strategies than are available to me. But you don’t realize just how much is written, especially in the modern world, until you are unable to read it.

Being an illiterate adult is a humbling experience. I cannot emphasize that enough. Book Wylan is a teenager, but was thrown into the “real world” and left to fend for himself as if he were an adult. Show Wylan is an illiterate adult who was also more or less thrown into the wild world. And I’d like to imagine that he shares similar illiterate adult encounters and experiences with me.

There isn’t a moment that I forget that I can’t read the language around me. However, it’s very easy to tune out the writing. To be blind to it and not see signs or labels because my brain stops looking for them, unable to to understand them.

Getting lost. Knowing the name of the place, a building, an address, the street that I'm searching for, but not being able to locate it by sight even though it is right there.

Walking past shops and stores unable to read their name and wondering what’s inside. What do they sell? What business do they hold? There’s no way of knowing unless I go inside myself.

Shopping and buying items based on the image on the packaging. Trying to figure out if there’s any difference between two items. Occasionally guessing wrong, buying the wrong thing.

Need instructions? Written directions (like for cooking)? Lol, Guess I'm going to wing it and hope for the best.

Being unable to read a written menu and ordering something generic because the restaurant probably serves it.

Putting off chores that require using the skill I don't have.

Having to act overly polite to everyone (regardless of how I feel) because I am the inconvenience when everyone else is just living their normal life.

Being treated like a child because, in my inability to read, I have the skills of a child so people will treat me the same way they would a child. And worse, all the while still having to act so polite about it because again, I am the inconvenience, even though I am being spoken down to like a child.

Accidentally, unintentionally being rude because I can't follow the sign's directions.

Pretending that I can read (or speak). Sometimes nodding along and agreeing with without any context is easier than a admitting I don't have a clue what's happening.

And in the modern day... I rely heavily on my cell phone to translate the way Wylan would use speech to text features. And there are times when there's no cell service, the phone or app stop working correctly. The translations/transcriptions are imperfect and confusing. It's scary when those safety nets stop working.

So yeah, being an illiterate adult is quite the experience. It can be exhausting. I am incredibly lucky that in my case it's due to living in a multicultural world and that given the time and patience, I could became literate and fluent in another language. The entire experience gives quite the insight on the hurdles and experiences Wylan might face.

[pynkhues]

I love watching shows but never really follow the cast but with iwtv I am kinda doing it with Jacob and Sam now, in terms of watching interviews etc. and their chemistry and friendship is so good. I imagine a lot of that is like the forced proximity but it also feels very sincere idk if most casts are like this but im really enjoying them

It is! I've talked about it a little bit in another post which tumblr's search function is not being helpful with, haha, but I think there were a whole bunch of circumstances at play probably with Jacob and Sam forming the relationship they did. In particular, I think it was probably a perfect storm of the pandemic intensifying the circumstances, both being at similar points in their careers in that they'd been jobbing actors but were becoming established in their home countries and so IWTV marked a huge step up for them both professionally given they're lead roles / it's a high budget series/ a US production, and that they seem to have pretty similar ideas about not just what they're adapting, but the culture they want to create on set as the actors at the top of the call sheet, and their processes more generally.

I think it's the latter thing that often is a pretty major influence too? The last two fandoms I've been in were Succession and Good Girls, and those casts had very different dynamics. The Succession cast - particularly the actors playing the father+siblings I think fell into that family relationship a bit, which in my experience isn't all that uncommon, so while there was a lot of love (and Sarah seemed closest with basically everyone), they also as a cast pretty clearly annoyed each other in that sibling-way too (Jeremy was actually the one to say that they literally feel like a family for better and worse to which Kieran very much nodded, haha). I think it was compounded by the cast clearly having very different approaches to acting too (Brian Cox being traditional-Shakespearean, Jeremy Strong being method, Kieran Culkin increasingly improvising / trying to make the others break) which is lowkey funny to me, but I can understand why that would create friction. It probably wasn't helped by the fact that members of the cast knew each other before the show and that many of the leads were at very different stages of their careers.

They seem to talk a lot less in general, but also seem to still be supporting each other's new projects and a lot of them have been spotted at each other's theatre shows over the last year even, so I think the love is genuinely still there.

Good Girls there was like, one person (the fan favourite and half of the main ship at that, lol) who very much had a rift with the rest of the cast, but the three lead actresses had (and still have!) an extremely adorable friendship. Retta and Mae Whitman were even recently at Christina's wedding and they all even regularly post nostalgically about working together on Instagram even though the show ended three years, which is really cute.

But yeah, there are also a lot of casts who are just colleagues or even hate each other's guts, haha, so we've truly lucked out with this cast. Hopefully it stays that way!

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

It's very fun being the sort of household where techs show up friendly, quickly get excited about how "easy" their job is going to be even if it's involved because our explanation of the issue has already basically told them everything they need to know, and then they leave delighted to have been told they will be on retainer going forward. So far everyone who's come out, whether for the house or the animals or us,has had a very similar response. Part of me is wodering if we've just gotten more capable over the past few years or if techs here are having a VERY different experience than the techs in the city pre-pandemic were lol. Both, to some extent I assume.

Anyway, the HVAC system is actually 10yrs newer than we feared and needed a new capacitor but is otherwise in flawless health. It'll be going on a yearly maintenance plan when the techs come back out next, and the fellow we worked with is walking Wifey through what we'll be doing to maintain it going forward.

It's slow and difficult making progress, but we ARE doing it. I need to get my head on a bit about planning because this hurry up and wait process is quite bad for me actually I think. I want to set up a more stable pace. There's too much to do for me to rush it all.

[mecachrome]

Hello, I was reading your about me post and it's very impressive that you've studied six languages! Did you learn them at school? Do you have any tips / resources for language practice (I have a goal of reaching german B2 by next March but I'm really struggling lol). Have a nice day!

hey anon!!! tbh i don't really consider myself an inherently good language learner but it's a mix of heritage + upbringing + personal interest hlksdjfh, if you asked me for a composite fluency score with everything rated out of 1 it'd be more like...... 3.4 languages though 😔 also without constant practice it's been atrophying a lot lately </3 but the reason is basically that i attended several multilingual schools growing up and by middle school was formally studying 4 languages (+ weekly latin that i remember absolutely nothing of LMFAO) and at home i also already speak 3 of those languages with my parents.

the only 2 languages i started properly studying as an adult are korean and german for similar reasons really (i've been into k-pop for half my life so i took a few semesters in undergrad for fun, with german i got into german media, was really enamored with its grammatical complexity, and then self-studied a few notebooks before taking it in university)... as for how to study and practice, i'd say it definitely depends on the language & language family, how much you're able to or willing to immerse yourself, what your specific goals are in terms of proficiency, and ofc what your existing weaknesses are!!! for ex spanish is a lot easier with a french background and japanese is a lot easier with a korean background compared to, say, the other way around, so personally when i was learning korean vocabulary a lot of times i'd check the root to see if it had a sino-korean origin and that helped a lot with memorization. also with languages like korean and german that have many unintuitive grammar rules for native english speakers, i'd argue that it's super super important to spend a lot more time learning those rules and practicing complex sentence construction than with a romance language for example; french has a lot of weird pronunciation and conjugation rules but overall it's not... really that hard. one thing you can do to practice is to start with a very simple sentence (my name is x / the apple is red / etc.) and then keep building clauses on top of it one-by-one to force yourself to use complex structures without overwhelming yourself trying to write the end product all at once, and then slowly build up confidence that way...

then of course i'd say that it's important to balance different kinds of media and study materials if you want to stretch your language-learning muscles and have a more "comprehensive" understanding. so for german this was during the pandemic and what i'd do was find example texts/stories/children's books/fairy tales and record myself reading them so i could listen back on my pronunciation, then for grammar i self-studied 2 textbooks by myself every single day, and for vocabulary + some other grammar tips i did basically the full duolingo tree but i always tried to treat it as a supplemental resource that wasn't crucial to the learning experience (imo it's pretty bad for non-latin scripts though c__c but i thought german was decent). i also did a lot of random a2/b1 online preparation exams for fun shdklfh but i think b2 is a much higher jump so it's probably not that helpful... i also liked to translate song lyrics and another thing i did was watch a show i liked without subtitles and i'd take a whole scene and transcribe what the characters were saying + translate them line-by-line and then double check with the subtitles afterward. but again to me a lot of this was kind of for Fun so i learned a lot of things in isolation and less with the intention of "i'm going to move to this country and that's why i need to learn the language ASAP," so ofc in that case the best way is really to immerse yourself in an environment where you're forced to speak it or to converse with native speakers (if you can find a buddy who speaks german to converse with regularly that'd be a massive boost) you'll almost always learn fastest that way.

like even though i took university courses and learned proper grammar a lot of the korean vocabulary i've learned is kind of like... hsdflhdf internet/fandom-specific, because i'd "immerse" myself by reading fan forums and follow fan accounts and stuff that use a lot of slang and practice my listening by subtitling vlive videos or watching unsubbed idol videos and a lot of that lingo isn't really useful in everyday contexts LOL—which i was fine with and doing on purpose because i don't intend to move to korea and that's the context i had the most use for. but some other languages i know i find more important to be able to speak rather than read because i do need to use them in conversation with relatives and acquaintances around me. so basically the important thing is really being able to pinpoint both your needs and weaknesses — for ex do i need to be better at listening or reading or speaking, is there a certain verb tense or irregular case that i always mess up (if so, note them down and then dedicate a day to just practicing THAT specific concept or until you're confident with it), do i have the basics down but my vocabulary is lacking, do i just not have enough confidence in speaking and get overwhelmed trying to converse with native speakers? — then you can determine the best course of action from there i think... it's basic but just having a consistent practice routine is important even if you're just doing a little bit, like you definitely shouldn't burn yourself out but incorporating some reading every day or continuously reviewing vocabulary can help to stay immersed. and don't be afraid to consume children's media and also don't be afraid to consume more complex media and Not Understand Everything, you have to be comfortable with being confused before it starts making sense you know... idk if that's much help but good luck!!!

[shanaraharlyah]

Hey, so great to see you take part! I look forward to learning more about your writing! I was wondering if you could tell me a bit more about the following (sorry, I'm greedy lol)

A Life Together (Hogwarts Legacy)

DAI Trespasser for Kartaelin Lavellan/Dorian Pavus

An Elven Tale from your original fic

Thank you!!

Thank you for asking, Cat! 😘 Let me just say I really only started writing more than a couple sentences for artwork descriptions just before and during the pandemic and my first of these was the Dorian/Kartaelin Trespasser fic. I sent it to a friend who told me she thought it was really good and very in character so I continued and have a whole docs folder full of WIPs now. So I'll start with that one.

DAI Trespasser

(Kartaelin Lavellen/Dorian Pavus)

I got really attached to these two on my fourth playthrough of Inquisition. Kartaelin is one of my OCs from the Elven Tale brought over to Dragon Age and had a similar rough go regarding his attraction to men, so I really just wanted both of them to be happy. And Trespasser is rough. I really wanted to do something with the in between scenes. Things we don't see in the game. So this part takes place directly after meeting Solas, Dorian finding him passed out and missing an arm. I have actually posted most of this one along with the artworks I wrote it for here if you'd like to read it - Never Gonna Be Alone. The incomplete/unposted portion involves the trek back, being seen by a healer and the council being postponed again for him to begin to heal.

A Life Together

(Hellendil/Sebastian Sallow)

This one is partially in response to some gorgeous artwork and headcanons I've seen in the Hogwarts Legacy fandom of Sebastian growing up and growing a beard or not because of trauma triggers. It takes place 10 years after the events of the game. Their friendship and budding relationship survived everything they went through during 5th year. The two have grown up, have jobs at the ministry and are living together. The wizarding world is more accepting of same sex relationships than the Victorian muggle world so they've settled in Hogsmeade. It's softness, a little spice and a lot of hurt/comfort around a shared traumatic experience. I'll share the first two paragraphs below the cut.

The early morning sun shone into the second floor bedroom through partially closed curtains.  Dust motes danced in the air as it crept across the room to light the forms of the entangled pair sleeping there.  As it traversed the warm tan skin of Hellendil, he began to stir, cuddling up closer to Sebastian to enjoy their shared warmth and deny his wakefulness for just a moment longer.  It was a rare day that he awoke before his partner, so he decided to take advantage of it.  He let out a soft sigh and raised his head, pushing his long hair back from his face in order to watch the sleeping brunet.   Sebastian's skin was fair but slightly flushed around his nose and cheeks and he was covered from head to toe with freckles.  Every now and then his breath caught in a snore and he seemed on the verge of waking.  He'd thinned out somewhat since their school days, more in the face than elsewhere.  Hellendil appreciated the extra softness of his lover's body.  A marked contrast to his own lithe frame, he found it great for cuddling and had taken to sleeping with his head resting on his chest, in spite of being the taller of the two.  An admiring smile appeared on his face as he observed him.  "Beautiful,"  he whispered.

An Elven Tale

There's really very little of this written yet just a couple of scenes in this document and the other so far. The rest is scattered thoughts, sketches and the beginnings of an outline. It follows Sarovanya and Tarwen as they begin to find their place in the world. Saro has always loved Tarwen, but his love is unrequited. She's known him since they were both very young and his exhibitionist ways and desire to be the center of attention are big turn offs, even if he's doing some of it for her. When they leave their home land to grow their skills, Tarwen meets a quiet and kind dark elf with whom she grows close. But there's a secret darkness lurking under the surface that he hides and tries to keep at bay.

Here is a little snippet from one of the scenes and the link to the render that goes with it.

“What’s wrong!?” she gasped as she began to move toward him.

“Leave, Tarwen,” the dark elf replied, cringing in pain.

“But…!”

“Get away from me!” he snapped, lashing out and upsetting the table in the room they had restored together.

Torn between worry for Morcundu’s ailment and fear for her own life, Tarwen stepped back with tears welling in her eyes. A flash of his… inhuman eyes set her fleeing into the forest. Her thoughts and surroundings were a blur as she ran, the rain stinging her face and mixing with tears. From somewhere nearby, she heard a familiar and welcome voice calling her name. Instinctively she turned toward the voice and within a few moments had crashed into the open arms of Sarovanya. She clung to his vest, tears streaming down her face, as he enveloped her in his protective arms.

Sarovanya relished the intimate moment, but worry soon washed over his handsome face. Taking her by the shoulders, he queried, “Are you okay? …Did he hurt you?” Tarwen shook her head in reply. Realizing his previous questions were a bit agitated, he took a deep breath and asked more gently, “What happened, Tarwen?”

Thank you again for asking about these! I haven't shared much about them before. ☺️

Throwing the link to the ask game in case anyone wants to send more!

[recomvery]

Hi! Your blog is great! It really helps me because recently I started to go on dates again (the last time was before the pandemic) and I hear a lot of negative comments about my appearance... Men do comments about my gap front teeth, body hair on my arms, my short hair, thin eyebrows. Why are they doing this? I am not perfect, they aren't perfect. We are humans. Is it because they watch online all these perfect women with filters and makeup? I will never comment on someone's appearance in a negative way. And if they don't like me, it's okay, but why they ask me on date and be mean? It hurts hearing all these things... It took me years to build my confidence because I was very insecure when I was teenager. I take care of myself, eat healthy, exercise, reading books, have my job and I have a good character. I know I am not a 10 but they make me feel like a zero... I am very romantic and all I want is a good man to spend our lives together but I don't think I will find him. Do other women have similar experiences? And men too. Maybe women act this way too. Are people mean when they go on dates?

Hello dear,

First of all, this is such a good quality question and analysis and I love how vulnerable you are and I think a lot of people can relate to this a lot.

Dating men can be so difficult because a lot of men can be really problematic and sexist about womens bodies and I hate it. I actually found your description of yourself so endearing and cute. It makes me so angry that your dates have been negatively commenting on your body, that's SO messed up. Also it broke my heart when you said you were not a 10 because that rating system is so sexist and I think you are absolutely perfect and enchanting just the way that you are, like every other woman too.

To answer your question: There is nothing "normal" about people being mean to you on a date and you should absolutely not entertain it. Don't let people get away with this. Don't stay in contact or on a date where someone says mean things to you. Get up and leave. Block them. Stand up for yourself and show people that you are confident and love yourself and that you will accept 0 bullshit.

Personally, I have always used dating apps in a way where I texted for a long time with a person before going on a date to see if we are even compatible and so that I knew they were a good person. What I always did is ask men to play a question game and then ask them questions that were important to me such as their political affiliation, if they are ok with gay people, fat women, trans people, etc. I had a list of questions that were important to me in my notes and would try to ask them in a fun, lighthearted way to filter the people I would go on dates with, and STILL I have encountered people making comments about my weight and stuff. Of course, not everyone likes to date that way.

What's way more important than some mens opinion on your looks is your own confidence. It would be cool for you to get to a point where you are so damn confident about your own aesthetics that when someone sais something mean, you can straight up tell them: "LOL, you're wrong, I'm so cute." And leave and not be hurt by it. I am such a huge fan of women that unapologetically love themselves and are very confident, I think it's the best way to live your life.

I hope you're gonna find some cool and nice people to go on dates with ♡ because you are awesome and you deserve it and there is nothing wrong with you. When it comes to dating, know exactly what you want and what you will never accept.

[crawledthru500]

Perfect Sense (2011)

dir. David Macekzie

Star rating: 4/5

spoilers under the cut

OH MEIN GOTT this was so good. this really passed my expectations!!! not the biggest fan of romance stories, but i think movies like this are making me change that opinion.

the movie's concept is something i have never ever even THOUGHT of -- a sickness that removes any and all senses, one by one. and yet the movie perfectly replicates something we have all experienced: the covid pandemic. i'm surprised i havent heard of this movie before with how similar (scarily similar) the situations are. i really don't have any complaints about how they handled the virus in this, unlike a LOT of other films that cover the same subject matter.

i think the romance between Susan and Michael is very cute and pretty realistic to couples that went through covid together (not speaking from experience so i might be wrong lol) the scene where they're bathing together and they eat SOAP is TOO CUTE for the fact they just ate soap. i too would eat soap if i couldn't taste anything

i very much like the way they handled slowly losing senses. the ringing before total utter silence. the last 20 or so minutes are almost completely silent - only broken up by ambience and the narrator. it's haunting, in a way. especially as someone that fears one day losing his hearing.

the writing can be a bit cheesy or over dramatic, but theres one line that really sticks with me. it was when the virus made people those their sense of smell -- “The greater loss are all the memories that are no longer triggered.” -- such a genuinely great line.

the cinematography isn't all that special, but some shots are very pretty!! this one in particular is STUNNING:

it is so, so good. i can't stop looking at it.

the ending was very good, although i wish they touched (pun intended) more on the loss of sight. if this had a little more run time, i'm sure they would have got to it. they also never talked about touch? which is a sense? i think the scenes where people are touching everything they can, just to FEEL something, is supposed to be like "all the virus allows them to have is touch." just wish they made it a bit more obvious, maybe a narration? idk

although i have some complaints, they're pretty minor. this was a really really good watch !!!

random movie series | random movie website

[stinkrascal]

I wanted to let u know ur not alone! I got a very late autism diagnosis and it’s devastated me, I’ve also made my main favorite oc autistic as a way of coping and showing myself that it’s fine. I always knew I wasn’t the same as everyone else in some way but since I couldn’t see the nuance.. y’know..

hey thank you so much for sending me this msg. it's been a really huge change you know, it's weird bc like when i was a child i felt very different from everyone, and i was always mocked for my intense love for fandom and being annoying about only wanting to talk about a few specific things, but ive also grown up writing, and part of my writing process is observing people and learning about them, so i feel like by the time i was 17/18 i became REALLY good at masking and mimicking other people because of it, even to a point where i was somewhat liked in school despite the fact that everyone knew i was extremely quirky and strange because of the many years worth of strange stories they heard about me and how i acted until that point lol. but like, there was a brief period in time where i distinctly remember being treated so much better than i had been my entire life, because i FINALLY cracked the code on how to act Normal and Sociable, so it never seemed like a problem to me. but especially since the pandemic happened and ive isolated myself for idek how many years at this point, my ability to mimic people disappeared as i stopped surrounding myself with people and it really made me realize how different i am from others, how much of a conscious effort i had to put forth to be perceived as "normal." and it's weird bc when i got the diagnosis i was like, oh! that makes a lot of sense actually! like everything became really clear, but it still hurt you know, bc i've been mocked my entire life for Being This Way and i've always had to put a really strong effort into appearing Normal, and for a short while i was perceived as Normal, so it kinda sucked to put a name onto why i am the way i am and why people treated me weird growing up and why it took 17 years to get the approval of my peers. but it's been a good thing too, i understand myself a lot more now than i did growing up. i still have a very long and exhaustive process to go thru in terms of healing, but at least i have the answers i didn't have before you know?

thanks again for sending me this msg, i was really nervous to talk about this stuff but it feels really nice knowing there are others who can relate to me! that was my biggest struggle growing up, feeling like such an anomaly who cannot relate to anyone no matter how hard i try. you'll never know how comforting it is to know that, actually, i'm not this strange little weirdo with experiences unique to myself alone. there is a whole world of people with experiences similar to mine, and that feels really great to know. ily

[elminx]

Hiya!

I know you've mentioned the topic before, but what is your stance/ where do you intersect the concept of manifestation/ law of attraction and magic or spirit work? The new age spiritual movement (esp in the social media sphere) is quite contentious, but it's always interesting to see similar language used in witchcraft/magickal spaces, astrology, and new-age spiritual circles despite the communities being distinct (at least for longterm/ more extensive practitioners or hobbyists, I only ever see astrology and witchcraft communities overlap, but generally centred around moon cycles). Do you find witchcraft to be the same as manifesting but with physical elements, or completely distinct from loa/manifesting, perhaps somewhere in between? Does spirit work affect your view on LOA/ new age concepts of individualism and how everything is "within" us/our mind? I find it all interesting because all of these practices are largely internal, however LOA is very individualistic, almost like a capitalist take on different parts of magic, spirit work, and even denial in happenstance.

Sorry if these weren't the type of questions you were looking for or it was worded in a confusing way ! I have plenty more lol.

Hey!

I actually think that this is a really interesting ask. But it's a lot and I may not cover everything in this so feel free to send in another and reask if I don't.

Note: My expertise is definitely in the Witchcraft/Astrology sphere, not New Age so I don't know all of the ins and outs of LOA and "Manifestation" though obviously these spaces sometimes overlap so I've had some exposure to them.

I have two big problems with the Law of Attraction:

We call it a law and it's not. If we just called it the rule of attraction (like begets like) I don't fully disagree with it.

People say it can affect things beyond our mental states and act like purely thinking about things will change your life (spoiler alert: it won't)

Let me try to elaborate as succinctly as I can. I believe that the Rule of Attraction is an effective and fairly simple form of mind magic that can be used in conjunction with any type of magic/witchcraft/astrology etc.

So much of how we perceive the world is affected by the state of our brains. There is so much more stimulus than we can ever perceive and process that our brains make decisions about what to focus on. This is done automatically based on our past experiences - our lives with all of our traumas and triumphs have trained our brains to perceive the world in a particular way.

This is why optimists tend to notice the good things that happen to them more and pessimists tend to notice the bad things that happen to them more. And I don't think that this is, for most people, a conscious choice that they have made. I suspect that for the average (generally unaware) person, the reason that they are a pessimist or an optimist is based upon the things that have happened to them throughout their life. If their life has been easy, the brain has been trained through this ease to see and recognize good things. But if their life has been hard, they may have had to focus on bad things to keep themselves safe.

The good thing about this is that through the neuroplasticity of our brains, we can change this. We can literally train our brains to focus more on the good or more on the bad.

We saw this happen through the last three years as many of the people who had up until the pandemic had relatively easy lives crumbled under the weight of realizing how dangerous the world can be. (That's not a judgment - just the reality as I see it) Trauma changes the brain, ignites our parasympathetic nervous system, and trains our brains to see a threat behind every corner.

When you are looking for a threat, you will find one. This is the like-begets-like part of the Rule of Attraction. When you expect your day to go badly, you will focus on and remember the bad parts of your day and ignore the good parts.

But, as I said, you can retrain your brain. When I am capable of giving the LOA gurus the benefit of the doubt, I think that is what they are trying to teach people to do. By focusing your attention on the positive things in your life, you are literally training your brain on how to look for the positives in your life. With practice, you can become more optimistic and learn to see the world differently.

I know because I have done this. And let me tell you, it is the hardest thing that I have ever done but also the most rewarding thing that I have ever done. It has calmed down the majority of my PTSD triggers. It has helped me to overcome bouts of depression faster. It has helped me to get over things that I thought were the base parts of my personality.

And I want to be clear: sometimes people interpret the Rule of Attraction to mean that you can't ever look at the bad things because that will mean that you draw in bad things. I choose to believe that's a deep misunderstanding. You can be a positive person (or simply be trying to look for the positives in life) and still encounter negative things - the trick is to not doomsday yourself the minute that a bad thing happens. To choose not to assume that one bad thing happening will ruin your day. To shake off the small stuff even if you can't shake off the big stuff. To remember that this afternoon is another chance to have a better day, or tomorrow is if this afternoon is shot.

What I don't believe is that you can think your chronic illnesses away, make money without working, or make other drastic changes to your outside life just with "positive thinking".

But being more positive thinking can help you to notice when you're having a good chronic illness day (rather than ruminating over how bad the next bad day will be), recognize that good opportunity to make money, or make you more likely to take the chance that WILL change your life rather than assuming that it won't work out.

I get that the Rule of Attraction isn't for everybody and that many people can't use it due to mental illness or trauma getting in their way. You aren't a bad person if you can't utilize this type of brain work and there's nothing "wrong" with you - it's just not for you. But I also don't think that makes it wrong or bad in the way that some people vilify it to be. (Yeah, that was me trying to be succinct. I am not sure if I answered your question at all. But thanks for the chance to get on my soapbox, I guess)

[cheesybadgers]

Taking advantage of your post about being able to send questions about your fics, I've always wanted to know if you have books that inspire you to write OHDH.

You know it's a statement for me to talk about how much I love what you do, but I think your narrative bias is impeccable! Not to mention the references you use in the story which are great.

Ahhh Maria, bless you and thank you so much for your kind words 🥺 And wow thank you for asking such a great question ❤️

I'll put this below the cut, because it got a bit long lol.

I've read a lot of books specifically as research for OHDH, in the sense of knowing my next chapter was going to be about X subject/place etc. but I didn't know anywhere near enough to be able to write about it well without researching first. I've mentioned a few of the books (fiction and non-fiction) I've used for this in my OHDH trivia post.

One of those books listed in that post, Everyone Knows You Go Home by Natalia Sylvester, was also a big inspiration for including Día de los Muertos in OHDH. The book is set in a Texas border town, follows a Mexican family and covers parental loss and grief (the main character's father-in-law is dead and his ghost visits her every Día de los Muertos to try and fix unresolved conflict with his son), cultural identity, and also the realities of crossing the US-Mexican border. So, it was a bit of a goldmine when I found that lol.

I also read a couple of books by Colombian authors: Like This Afternoon Forever by Jaime Manrique and Fruit of the Drunken Tree by Ingrid Rojas Contreras. They both follow Colombian characters living in Colombia during the 80s. I found these stories really useful in giving context that Narcos just doesn't give, because obviously Narcos isn't told from a Colombian POV. The first one mentioned also has two gay priests who fall in love, but their ending is a sad one (I understand why though, as the author is a gay man who lived through the HIV/AIDS crisis but their partner didn't, so I think this book was him processing his own grief).

In fact, most of the LGBTQ+ books I've read since starting OHDH had sad/bittersweet endings (including Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin, which gets referenced a couple of times in OHDH). I know that's not surprising in the slightest...but in a way, I think reading those books inspired me NOT to do that? There are enough tragic stories about gay/bi men (especially in the 80s/early 90s) already...and whilst they are absolutely valid and serve a purpose and are often based on the author's own experiences, I didn't want to add another.

There are a few books about/set in Madrid I've read for chapter 18 that have been really useful in providing historical context I wasn't aware of, but I don't want to give away spoilers lol, so I'll talk about that in my trivia post once the chapter is done and dusted!

I know you asked specifically about books, but film and TV inspire me a lot as well. Huge shout out to two gay films that have spookily similar premises but very different endings: God's Own Country and A Moment in the Reeds. They're both really atmospheric (God's Own Country is also aptly set on a farm, albeit in England rather than on a ranch in Texas lol) and the way they capture m/m intimacy made me YEARN.

As for TV...I know this is a bit random but Buffy the Vampire Slayer, purely for the way that show uses tropes. I know it's absolutely not the only show to do this, but I did a Buffy re-watch at some point during the pandemic (so probably not long after I started writing OHDH) and remember being impressed by the tools they used to tell stories, particularly dreams/foreshadowing/objects of significance (hello cross necklace, my beloved). I ended up including stuff along those lines in OHDH after I did that re-watch.

I also really wish I'd been able to watch The Last of Us before I started writing this fic lol...I don't think I've ever experienced such extreme writer envy as I did after episode 3 😂 It won't be part of OHDH, but after that episode I was daydreaming about looking in on Javier and Horacio when they're that age and then I made myself cry 😭

By the way, I do know this is all going waaaaay beyond what anyone needs to do to write a fic lol. But in my defence, it serves me right for writing about places/people/events I didn't know much about beforehand lol. And I also love learning new things! And this has been the perfect opportunity to learn but in a more fun way than my school days ever allowed. I've also read a lot more books than I had done in years, so who said pushing your favourite fictional men together like dolls and making kissing noises had to be a shallow hobby? 😂

Thank you once again for sending this, Maria! It's been fun to respond to 😘

[gigismodernlife]

2023: Finally the End of the Covid Era; Surpassing the Aftermath

For me (and I’m sure many can relate) this year sure feels like reaching the end of a series of very overwhelming chapters in a book that put life into perspective but ultimately redeemed itself by giving the reader a glimpse of hope. I like the way Chad simplified it: “2020:covid 2021:covid 2022:covid ending 2023:covid aftermath, this year was weird, besides the Economy still sucking, 2024 should be a good year” The impact of the last four years was seriously hard on me, as it was for many others. After a lot of reflection, I can say that the best thing to come out of it for me was helping me open my eyes and see things clearly through my glass lenses lol. Some call it a Spiritual Awakening, an Epiphany, "finding yourself" or "Accepting God into your life" I've discovered that in its essence it is all very similar. To each their own, as long as whatever they believe in leads them to do good in the world. For me, I am mostly subscribing to Modern Christianity, the one that accepts all people, but I am also hungry for knowledge and still absorb other things too. Jay Shetty and Joe Dispenza have some great YouTube interviewers that people of my generation like. Anyway, the lyrics from Amazing Grace "I once, was lost, but now, i'm found, was blind, but now I see" have never rang more true. And, I cant forget to mention that I also met the true love of my life and got engaged. Look who's not dying alone after all lol! 

So, I had forgotten, but I wrote a Blog, I think it was at the end of 2020 called "Developing Depression During A Global Pandemic & Black Lives Matter Movement" I doubt anyone has ever read it but its there if anyone wants to read it. For those who arent familiar, depression can be situational or a chemical imbalance in the brain. Some people with depression experience it every few years, some completely overcome it, and others sadly never overcome it. Mine tends to be situational. Im assuming I get depressed because I am a highly sensitive, emotional and empathetic person. I realized all of this because I fell so deep into depression this last time that I became desperate enough to finally try medication, which I tend to avoid. It was a nightmare to say the least, I am personally better without medication, but I know it works for some people. The point is, I don't think I have a serious chemical imbalance, I just have trouble handling some hard situations that life has thrown at me, and based on my history, I have gotten much better at recognizing when I feel it and I can thankfully help myself out of it. This time though, I did'nt even remember how I had overcome depression in the past because from October of 2022 to about September of 2023 I was depressed AGAIN and much worse this time. If I would have gone back and read that blog I wrote, I really could have helped myself. I sincerely hate to say this, especially because I had already learned that money does not buy happiness, but the truth is, I messed up and I should've believed in myself more. My biggest fear was losing my income and having to go back home to San Diego after I worked so hard to branch out of there. I was so loyal to this job because I reached middle class financial independence working there but NONE OF THAT MATTERS! It's all a social construct. Middle class doesn't even mean much anymore these days, specifically in this economy (I'll write more about that another time). I should've quit my job so long ago, I tried, but the fear consumed me, as if it was worth the suffering, but it definitely was not. I mean, I ended up being affected by one of many mass lay offs across the country anyway, so I don't necessarily think I am a failure by any means, I learned a lot there, but it was definitely not the company for someone like me. That is life, and most people don't stick to one single job their entire life anymore. All of my worst fears ended up happening. I lost my job, I went back home to San Diego, which for me, holds some very bad memories. It didnt even end up being a bad thing, I ended up re-building my relationship with my family, I took a real estate course, I made memories with my nieces. It felt like God just helped me pick up my broken pieces and now I am whole again. I also set the right intention for my relationship and luckily now I have a Fiance and we are happier than ever in Oregon! I had been operating in constant fear and anxiety of becoming poor or homeless, I am so sorry to myself for doing that, I did not deserve that and neither did my cats. So basically, this year was about forgiving myself, TRULY forgiving myself. 

It's my first Christmas here in Oregon. Im sitting here in my pajamas, looking out the window at trees, surrounded by a cloudy sky, the temperature is in the high 40 degrees. I can't help but cry happy tears and reflect on life (I cry a lot, not just when I'm sad, but when im overwhelmingly happy too lol). My new boss called a few hours into the shift yesterday. No questions about performance, just a simple "Everyone go home! Spend Christmas Eve with your families" what a culture shock. At my old job, I hardly took days off. I asked to leave "on time" instead of staying later to make my flight to New Mexico at 8pm on Christmas Eve to be with family. I felt full of guilt and shame being asked about my performance, as if they needed to know whether or not I deserved to not stay later. I couldn't even enjoy it fully, because I was stressed that I did'nt do well enough. I am so glad those days are over. Today I really get to relax, and enjoy life. Everything is actually going to be okay.

What a whirl wind, this Covid Era was. The world was sick with Covid then the nice media outlets helped spread the encouragement of thanking your “Essential Workers” but really, a lot of the big companies approached it wrong and many of these workers mental health started to deteriorate from being overworked. Followed by consistent mass layoffs, even when profits were higher than usual. Then of course other media outlets spread nothing but fear. Oh! AND then we got frustrated because we got to see how other countries were smarter and more caring about the stimulus packages for their people. I realized that some other countries have a leadership team that relates more to their people and in tough times can show how they genuinely they care about their well being, rather than profit. (It's funny to me how this parallels my experience with Corporate America). I think many people realized that our country is not just physically sick, it's actually mentally struggling. Thank goodness for Millenials and Gen Z who started making mindfulness become what we call viral, or popular or "Woke". This is how many of us got back to religion, or even if they are not part of a religion, they still see things much more clearly and want to do better for themselves and make the world a better place. I still choose to believe that the majority of people are good, even though I've experienced some awful people in my lifetime.

For me, things are finally okay now, physically and emotionally. Im living a humble life, learning and growing and surrounded by much nicer people now, I mean this in the nicest way, but it feels almost shocking that here, people have morals, and they care about women being treated, "special" for lack of a better word. L.A. was definitely not my home and I hope it will never be again. Here, I see forests and mountains everywhere I look, I get greeted by cute squirrels outside all of the time, and lastly the rivers and lakes are beautiful. Even my cats are showing significant signs of healthier and happier lives. Im in the outskirts, but Downtown Portland is beautiful too. It is small compared to L.A. and San Diego, but exceptionally clean and pretty, friendliness is everywhere. The best part is that it has preserved some really nice historical buildings. It holds the largest book store in the world! It feels a little like a ghost town because the riots during the Black Lives Matter movement drove out a lot of businesses, therefore there are a lot of empty places, but none the less, it is a very nice experience to walk through it. Homelessness is also an issue here just like it is in California. The people out here though, the majority all seem so nice, it gives off a small town feel where everyone is just trying to live their best life and spread positive vibes. It's not about the car you drive, the way you dress, the neighborhood you live in, they just want to be good people, and honestly, they are some of the most good looking people I've come across. They're not rushing from place to place because "time is money" its just simple and chill. I haven't experienced the angry honking, or rude interactions I am used to. Im just minding my own business, smiling at everyone and taking it all in. I love it here.

I think I feel what a lot of immigrants feel when they first come to America, except I just didn't leave the country, I only migrated to another state. I feel like a kid experiencing life for the first time. The excitement, the knowledge I am consuming, the culture shocks in the most positive way. Im just open minded and learning and growing and appreciating every moment with my whole heart. It feels like God gave me a warm hug this year. He not only helped me out of depression, he helped me see that I have a bigger purpose, and helped me find a state that suits me and my personality better. Thank You infinitely to God and to Oregon for welcoming me.

[hadleymeetsworld]

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

Yesterday, I celebrated my 33rd birthday.

I am now working in an office job back in my hometown after traveling and working in the entertainment industry for several years-- plus the pandemic happened. The end of my 20s was a very exciting, dream-fulfilling, and special time. It has truthfully been a difficult adjustment returning to a more "normal" way of life, and I have found myself back on tumblr reading through my old journal entries from years ago.

I also haven't seen a therapist in about ten years-- what I call "raw-dogging life"-- so I've been talking with friends about how I need to search for one. I loved my old therapist, and was thinking of the reasons why I should/shouldn't reach out to her to pick up where we left off. I realized I wanted a fresh start, because when looking back, I feel like I'm having the same issues that I had ten years ago as a younger adult. Which is embarrassing in a way. On paper from an objective point of view, it kind of seems like I haven't learned anything at all. Looking back through my tumblr posts today, I saw my past issues and emotions were eerily similar to the ones I have now. Surprise... looks like the core of my personality has not changed much LOL and I'm the problem, it's me. It actually was quite a humbling experience having this epiphany.

I am still actively growing as a human being, but struggling with the fact that I can be an unreliable partner in relationships. I am still dealing with substance abuse issues-- I LOVE to party to the point where it affects my relationships, working life, and the way I feel about my body. I feel like lately I have been a little more depressed and self conscious than in my 20s, but many of my past posts discussed feeling like a bad friend and having trouble connecting with people. Just like in my old blog posts, I have definitely been romanticizing the past. I think I had a little less anxiety and more self confidence in social situations for a while there, but I am actively working on those aspects to get back on track.

I chose to pull up my tumblr today because I was remembering in my last office job in my mid-20s, I would spend my down time writing comedy, setting up aesthetically pleasing and inspiring blogs, and creating DJ sets. I just remember feeling a little more active and creative. First of all, that wasn't necessarily true. Some of the things I wrote were kind of stupid and immature, I was literally just reposting photography and drawings before meme culture began, and I actually am not extremely skilled in mixing music or writing comedy shorts. I am now a theatre person. I have traveled the world stage managing different kinds of productions. I am not a visual or sonic artist-- I am a theatrical artist whose strengths lay in organization and communication. I haven't been consistently working on shows like I was in New York, but that's OK! I have a lot of wonderful things coming up and know that I'm a wonderful Stage Manager-- which is something I really care about.

Revisiting my tumblr today turned out to be a very therapeutic and healing experience. I will always be the same me and although I've been growing immensely, I still need to practice discipline in the major areas that I've been struggling with and reflecting on for years. It is interesting I can now narrow down my core, consistent issues to these areas:

Not treating my partner with the respect they deserve

Substance abuse

Social anxiety in my friendships (feeling like people don't want me to belong or that they hate me)

Even though these are major issues, it does feel nice to review the "data" of my journal entries over the years and discover these major trends.

In terms of the social anxiety issue, I think I've hit an all-time low in this area as an adult, and I need to revert back to understanding "different strokes for different folks," and "your vibe attracts your tribe." And not get so caught up on whether or not everyone likes me or if my behavior was acceptable at a get-together. No one cares-- just be kind and thoughtful. And some people still won't like you anyways, but that is not a reflection of who you are.

In terms of lack of respect for my partner, I really dropped the ball on this one. How could I be so selfish? My guilt and horror towards my behavior has allowed me to really confront my "childhood trauma," which I have never done before. I really hope I learned my lesson this time to treat someone with honesty and respect, like how I'd want them to treat me. It really is getting old and I need to step it up. But I can also be compassionate with myself and remember I am still young and had been ignoring how models of relationships in my childhood could be impacting me today. I know I'm a good person and I am disappointed when I don't act like it towards the person I love the most. I also hate society for the toxic way it models relationships.

And my substance abuse issue sucks. LOL. I don't get why I love to party so much and I think I can continue to have fun but I need to be STRICT about my no alcohol nights. I can only do this when I'm working on a project I really care about. But I am just a bitch to the man right now and it's so hard to not go out at night. Now it's starting to affect the way I look, so hopefully that can be a good incentive to chill out, smdh.

Aww yay I'm proud of myself for being reflective and writing something! It's been a while! XOXOX