#i had (am having) the shittiest weekend so really

[kohakhearts]

cons of going to a “good schoolTM”: insane workload, unbearable classmates, next to no support when you have any kind of extenuating circumstances Including literal hospitalization, etc

pros of going to a “good schoolTM”: the 9-5 lifestyle is genuinely a major improvement

[sweet-sirin]

💌 Send this to the twelve nicest people you know or who seem to have a good heart and if you get five back you must be pretty awesome 💌

_______________

It is more 'has good heart' than 'nice' because I know for sure it is better to not mess with you and if someone is being a prick, you WILL obliterate them verbally xD I really love this trait though, my pushover ass could never level with you. But you are very understanding and perceptive, you can forgive and help people when you see they really MEAN it. And there is nothing actually nicer than being HONEST, which you are

is it my birthday or something???

you always know exactly the words to get through to me and cheer me up. this somehow feels way sweeter than just being called nice, thank you so much kat <3

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛

AM I THE ASSHOLE FOR REFUSING TO WATCH OVER MY SISTERS CAT?

please help me I'm having real trouble here.

So a couple days ago my sister found this little baby cat and decided to take it home to where she and her partner live, because the alternative would be letting it die and because she loves animals deeply.

The baby is only days old and it needs constant surveillance, something neither she nor her fiance can give because they work all day long. Here's where I come in.

Since I'm unemployed and don't really have much going for me at the moment, she asked me to go over to their house and take care of it from 8am til 8pm. Their house from mine is a 1 and a half hour bus & metro ride.

The thing is, she wants me to go and do that every single day, minus the weekends. She and her fiance had agreed to giving the cat elsewhere, I even have candidates from a Facebook post we made, waiting for a response. But suddenly she decided the cat is too cute and she wants to keep it.

I think it's unfair. Firstly, she didn't inform me of this (despite me asking all day long 'what should I reply to those messages?') until early afternoon where she asked me if I can come and watch the cat again the next day. Then she told me that she wants to keep it and when I said that I don't want to make a 2 hour trip back and forth every day she said that she wants to keep the cat but if she can't have the help she needs she can't.

This obviously made me feel guilty as hell, but here's the thing also. Isn't it unfair? Why would she keep a cat she doesn't even have the time for and mostly hand him over to me? I already have a cat I'm taking care of, albeit she's a big girl now. She will never have time for the cat and no one else she knows won't either, so the responsibility will always fall on me. They even have a trip planned and when I asked her what she's gonna do with the cat then, she said she was thinking of either handing it over to me or making me go over for the four days, which just bugs me wrong.

I do get the feeling I might be sounding really shitty. I feel shitty for feeling like this too. But I'm also anxious as hell about it. And this might be my avoidance disorder, which is why I'm asking you to tell me if I make a point or if I sound like the shittiest person alive? Please know I mean the kitty no harm, and I like him just fine, it just feels like a lot of weight on my shoulders, but also to be fair, my sister provides the milk and the box and the blankets and the feeding bottle.

So AITA?

[spaceyflowerswriting]

💬 Continuation to Eugene's text one if you can please.... also i decided tht can the sender be like a close, really close friend of eugene and yuseing that goes to the same school and knows what shit he does (i am trying so hard to not make an actual story for this seriously, i feel like i will and ship this y/n and eugene hard🥲)

》Oi foureyes! I have some spare so tell me!

》please damnit! Tell me...

》 Even tho i have known you for ages you only eat/ drink things me or yuseong choose

》 you never tell us your preferences! Like 'just choose whatever yoh want I'll payand eat whatever it is' and you actually eat even the shittiest of combo i could come up with!

》 Also you know i met this guy in our school named yeonwoo and he might be your tripket y'know, you might know him he is good looking, smart, on top of his classes, wears glasses like you and is actually quite famous, a newtuber.

》 I think i like him... he also has a good personality unlike someone... he is really nice as well

》actually you know what if you don't wanna hang out this weekend should i ask him out for a date?

》 before you say anything like 'go get him a gift and leave me alone'

》 i already did and bitc* please you knew what you were getting yourself into when you became my friend now deal with it.

》 You have to deal with it. No other options

》 also can i get that hot guy's no. Who is always with you, the one with the nice personality, the 3rd and 4th affiliate prez i think?

》 oh, and that weird mask one whose hair are blond and is always with neko

[Eugene will be grumbling about his phone notifs going off cause of this and that is what y/n wants]

(Can i have a jealous eugene and yuseong....? And you can decide whether eugene likes the reader or not, or whether yuseong likes her or not)

[a/n: omg if u do end up writing a story please tag me !! i would love to read it <3]

"That's funny. President Eugene always lectures us about keeping our phones on silent mode and yet his phone isn't."

After turning said silent mode on in his phone, Eugene slowly turned his head to smile at Eli. "Yes, well, this is a one time mistake. Why don't you try to remember to keep your remarks to yourself?"

The sharp tension stayed in the room even as the meeting continued, so when the meeting ended, it left Eugene in a somewhat bitter mood.

He decided to check who was texting him so much earlier, only to see it was you.

"What nonsense are they texting me now...?" As he read through the texts, he was originally amused but then began to feel... well, he refused to acknowledge the j-word. It was a childish emotion to him.

Softly exhaling, he texted back:

I have a nutritionist and whatnot on hand, I swear to you I eat well. You don't have to worry and my preferences mean little because often you and Yuseong pick things I like. Just continue what you're doing.

And about that boy... we may be similar in many ways but I've paid no attention to him. Also, no need for snarky remarks, I've had enough for the day.

You must know me so well if you knew I was going to reply, "Get him a gift and leave me alone." Just go on that date.

I'm glad we're such good friends you're happy to be insufferable towards me. And no, I'm not giving you the numbers of any of my subordinates.

Before Eugene closed out of his conversation with you, he felt a tap on his shoulder and just noticed Yuseong, who apparently had been quietly peering over his shoulder this whole time.

"What is it?" he asked his twin, who just frowned. It didn't take him long to realize why, and oddly enough he felt the slightest tinge of that j-word again. "Oh. If you're sad about our friend going on that date, feel free to make plans with them so they can't go. I can get you time off, if that's what you want."

Upon hearing his words, Yuseong eagerly nodded and Eugene took a mental note of it. Maybe he should hang out with you, too... but he didn't want to interrupt Yuseong, and he still had work to do. Another day, he supposed.

[butterflyintochains]

We Three Together

This is kinda based on a convo I had with @mikathemad earlier, kinda angsty, but here she is.

The rush of the number retirement ceremony has begun to abate a slight since last night. But, there's something wrong, Sid can feel it in the room, something is not entirely right in his team. And, no, it's not the abysmal powerplay... yet. He looks around the room at his team, eyes falling on Kris and Erik. The duo are deep in conversation, heads close together, looking at something on Erik's phone. Sid can feel that Kris is holding something in, eighteen years have honed them on each other's cues. So, he gives Geno a nod, and he closes the doors to the dressing room after Ned and Tristan leave. ''Sid, what's going on?'' Erik asks.

Sid says, rubbing his hands together. ''I think one of us has something on his chest. And, I think we all know who it is.'' Geno sits at his stall, and says. ''Legend, are you okay?'' Kris, a kind of confused look on his face, smiles and says. ''Yeah? Of course I am, why wouldn't I be? Why?''

Erik places a hand on his partner's knee, feeling like the shittiest partner in the world right now. ''Kris... hjartat.'' This seems to unravel him a slight. ''I dunno, maybe this weekend has just... brought a lot into my mind, that's all.''

Sid gently asks, knowing not to press his best friend too hard lest he pounce. ''Like what?'' Kris is silent, staring at the whiteboards, his glassy brown eyes would be hidden a mere month ago by his hair. ''Kris, we're your family, talk to us.'' Geno says, trying to sound as calming as possible. And, that's the problem, they've never had the thoughts Kris has had on quiet bus trips, they've not almost died because of a fucked up heart, he loves them both so, so much. But, this is just too big, too messy, too... not Kris. ''Kris, look at us, please.'' Erik says softly, and Kris slowly turns to face his partner and brothers. ''Promise me that no one but us four will know this?'' Sid, on behalf of all three of them, says. ''We promise. Now, talk to us.''

Kris steels himself for this conversation, one nearly a decade in the making now. But, he's safe with them, right? ''Seeing Jagr's number raised, the number I wore my whole childhood, just got to me. I just... what if that's as close as I get, y'know?''

Sid knits his brows together, a knot of pain for his best friend forming in his stomach. ''Kris, what d'you mean?'' Kris swallows heavily, trying not to put pressure on his heart. ''Sid, come on, I'm not exactly anything special, am I? Michel Briere died, Mario is Mario, Jaro is Jaro. You and Geno are living legends, so is Flower.''

Geno says, still keeping his voice level so as not to aggravate the situation. ''Kris, you've won three cups, all of them for us.'' Kris scoffs, and says. ''And, how much does '17 count really? I only stepped on the ice once the entire time.''

Erik says, not even he's heard any of this, not even at home during late night chats in bed. ''Your name is on that cup all three times, that ring sits on our mantle with the other two. Sully told me you all but coached the team that spring, with the surgery and all.'' Geno adds, remembering 2016. ''And, remember '16? You scored that goal, Kris, neither Sid or me have ever scored a cup goal, you have.'' Kris sniffs, the dam is breaking, and he doesn't like it. ''I've not won anything for Canada, either.''

Now, it's Sid's turn to scoff. ''That's because the assholes never had the guts to give you a chance, Kris. I begged Babcock to add you to the Prague and World Cup teams, he refused. No idea why, he just did.''

Kris fiddles with his baseball cap, needing something to occupy himself with. ''I've got one individual award to my name, one I didn't particularly seek out, no one wants a Masterton. I'm so proud of it, but, not even being considered for a Norris, just... hurts.'' Erik says, because he does know, he's always known, ever since he won his second, how hurt Kris has always been at being passed over. ''Kris, you don't need a Norris, you've already cemented yourself as this team's greatest ever defenceman. I mean, I looked at all the records for our position on the walls when I got here, you are on all of them.'' Erik says, because only a fellow defenceman can ever understand this feeling. ''As much as I love you, I never wanna play against you again. But, so many forwards in this league hate having to face you, and so many dmen want to be you.''

Sid adds, hating himself for failing his role as both best friend and captain where Kris is concerned. ''Then: you made sure we were all vaccinated against Covid, you are the driving force behind our charity work, you helped get the Bubble Playoffs and return to play going. Played 1000 games after all you've been through.'' Sid catches his breath. ''Sure, I have the C, but, when things get really bad, we all look to you.''

Geno simply asks his best friend. ''Kris, what do your gloves say?'' Kris furrows his brows, confused. ''Legend, G, why?'' Geno rubs his hands together. ''That's there for a reason. That's how we see you, you're our Legend. Our survivor.''

Erik adds, holding Kris' hands in his. ''Our conscience.''

Mario swoops in, the quiet father of the team. ''Kris, son, 58 will be up there with 87 and 71, and hopefully 29 too. No one could ever carry it with the dignity, humility, and style you have. As soon as you three hang them up, we're having the ceremony.''

Sid asks, incredulously. ''Wait, day of our retirement? All at once?'' Mario nods, and says. ''Within the week, actually, I've had the ceremony planned since 2017. But, this is my promise to all three of you. Now, Sully is waiting, should I tell him you're on your way, or not?''

Everyone looks to Kris, who picks his helmet up, dries his eyes, and says, ''Let's fucking do this.'' Sid and Geno embrace their best friend, Erik kisses his partner, and the four musketeers take to the ice. ''Kris, why didn't you ever bring this up before?'' Sid asks on the way to the rink. Kris shrugs. ''It just didn't ever feel like a good time. I promise, though, no more secrets.''

Sid says. ''Good, because it's we three together, okay?'' Kris nods, his chest feeling a million pounds lighter. He just hopes Flower can be added to that ceremony, whenever it happens.

[andmaybegayer]

Last Monday of the Week 2023-03-20

Spinning around and doing very little

Listening: Completely missed the new 100 gecs album because I was travelling over the weekend. I'll get to that. In the meantime I've had the closing track from The Will to Live by Titus Andronicus stuck in my head, that's 69 Stones.

The will to live can be an awful curse Upon an Earth that's just a lot of dirt Whenever it is that you're getting hurt That's just the will to live doing its work

The Will to Live is probably the second best Titus Andronicus album, and a solid return to form for the band, it's the album that's the most like The Monitor imo. It's literally got a song called "We're Coming Back"

There's a live performance of this that isn't that good as your first encounter, very "end of a long show" live performance that's no doubt great in person, but just. When did Patrick Stickles start looking like that. The man is absolutely fucking shredded, it's kind of concerning.

yeah. I am looking.

Reading: Someone put up this article on the intricacies of tofu in China and I'm now even more upset about the utter dearth of good tofu options in stores around here. Every time I want to make a tofu thing it's basically impossible to find anything other than the softest shittiest silken tofu that is useless for anything structural and now I learn that they have shit like alkaline tofu? So mad.

Watching: Travellers, when I get a chance. It's fine, decent sci-fi really, but I'm not paying attention to TV shows the way I would like to for reasons.

Chef Wang Gang is an extremely good professional Chinese chef who runs a good YouTube channel if you're interested in Chinese food. Most of his stuff is kind of impractical to make without a very wok-centric kitchen but you can make some of it work.

Far more interesting to me is that he runs a line of prepared food canteen style things and is trying to bring out a commercial store shelf food line, and he does occasional tours of his factory. It's really cool to see the inside of a modern high-end food factory, it's a fascinating mix of laboratory and kitchen. All these videos have good English subtitles.

You can see them doing things like trialing expiry dates and best before dates for the packaged food options, the full cold chain for frozen ingredients, and the complexities of the packaging process, which is so neat. You've got all this equipment for mass-producing food but also a complete scientific kitchen for designing those recipes. Industrial environments are so cool.

Playing: Picking idly at things here and there. Too busy most nights for competitive Valorant with my usual squad.

Making: Plenty of quilt sewing, the decision to go away to see family over the weekend means that's still not quite done. About ⅕ left to go.

Tools and Equipment: You may think that butterfly knives are mostly showy bullshit, and you'd be right, but they're also remarkably effective if you need a knife you can open and close safely with only one hand. Arguably they're as good as Axis-lock knives for that, once you have the basic open down they're perfectly safe and very controllable. I mostly use mine as a prying and scraping tool because I blunted it for training and never bothered to sharpen it again, but it's very useful for those tasks.

[thewickedkat]

i have been tagged

@vcaudley tagged me and i am just now getting round to this, apologies!

A scent you love: - sandalwood. i could be in the saltiest, shittiest, most tin-foil-chewing mood and upon smelling this, i would relax from grievous homicide to involuntary manslaughter. which is a very tortured metaphor but it's a weird day for me. suffice to say i love sandalwood.

What's something you're looking forward to this week? - i would dearly love to write this weekend. been wanting to actually get something actualised before the weather starts thinking of hoodies and pumpkin spice lattes. also i need to go to the library because i need new music; mine's getting rather stale.

What's a book you're currently reading? - i am so very sorry to say that i have not read an actual book in *mumblemumble* amount of time. a few years back i had sort of run dry on books that i was enjoying, and my tastes changed; i dove into fanfic and haven't really looked back since. it is still scratching that itch that i can't really describe. to be quite honest i think the last book-book i read was the latest Dresden Files instalment--and before anyone comes for me, yes, i am quite aware of Butcher's...uh. writing tells, let's call them. man's become a pastiche of himself, tell the truth.

What's a game you're currently playing? - The Outer Worlds, for, like, the fifth time. love Parvati; that woman can do no wrong in my eyes. tried doing a Board-bootlicker run a while back and then she looked at me all disappointed and my contrition knew no end. and i adore Felix wholeheartedly because that Labrador of a boy is the purest of heart and dumbest of ass and he makes me smile. ...also, i'm just killing time until next week when i can get my narsty little gremlin hands on Baldur's Gate 3.

What's the most recent movie you watched? - Nimona. if you haven't seen it, drop what you're doing and watch it immediately. now. go. why are you still sitting there? go watch it! okay, no, seriously--why aren't more films made like this? it doesn't talk down to kids or families (or anyone else for that matter), it is wholly unashamed of its emotions and finds joy in showing them (even the messier ones), the art is beautiful and vibrant and isn't half-arsed and crap CGI stitched with hand-drawn; it has a fantastic message, and when Ballister said 'I see you, Nimona,' i sat here and fucking bawled.

Are you watching anything on TV or listening to any shows? - i recently finished S3 of The Witcher on Netflix, and...well, i think i'd have to watch again to really start to pick at it and why it didn't particularly vibe for me (the nonsense with Radovid and Jaskier aside; i mean...Radovid? really? blech). i haven't read the books but i am familiar with the lore, but the writing seems to be so uncertain of itself this season, all over the place and muddled. and with production on pause (not just for TWN, obviously), i'm more than a little uncertain of Liam Hemsworth's stepping into the very big boots Cavill's leaving behind. the bar has been set pretty high; i'd say this of any actor, frankly. as for podcasts, i am sooooooo far behind on listening that i think i would have to start many over. i had been listening to Bahumia Two: Electric Boogaloo on NADDPod but that was months ago. my problem is that i have to be in the mindset to listen to pods (side effect of the ADHD), and right now the mindset is 'put on youtube vids or Japanese lo-fi and read fic in your downtime.' how long this will last is anyone's guess.

Favourite season? - autumn, by far. and i don't mean the soft Pinterest moodboard aesthetic type; i mean the frost upon the windowpane when you wake up in the morning but you don't turn the heat on yet because by noon it'll have warmed up enough kind. i mean the mixing of baking bread, strong coffee, herbal tea and the faintest whiff of cigarette smoke. the knowledge that the wind is just on the edge of turning biting and that its teeth will only grow sharper in a month; when you swap out your summer clothes for woolen blankets and soft pants; when you dig out the thicker yarns and the puzzles and rearrange your spooky house bric-a-brac to take pride of place. that kind of autumn.

What's something you've learned recently? - i have learnt factoids and things that would serve me well at pub trivia, but nothing that would serve to make an interesting infodump. not really. all the stuff i infodump about lately is fandom-adjacent and makes my husband's eyes glaze over.

Have you had any water lately? - yes! i drink water on the regular, interspersed with Baja Blast since summer is hanging on by a thread.

i'll support anyone who wants to do this but specifically tag @gadzooie @deacons-wig @totally-not-deacon @wildwildwasteland but no pressure if this isn't your bag!

[purplesurveys]

1643

How does Chinese food make you feel? Full...? LOL how am I supposed to answer this uh. Chinese isn’t my favorite cuisine but I also don’t dislike it, and when my family and I have it I mostly find it an OK choice to have. Have you ever eaten bad sushi? (meaning, it made you sick) I’ve never had bad sushi but I have gotten really bad food poisoning from, surprisingly enough, a few sticks of barbecue. An uncle brought it as potluck during one of our family gatherings, and the effects kicked in (read: woke me up) at around 3 AM. Pain felt like the end of the world.

Have you ever read a historical fiction novel about the Chinese? No, I rarely read any fiction to begin with.

Have you ever been tempted to steal? No. I grow envious a lot, but I never really have the urge to just take something and run.

Are you for revenge, or are you for forgiveness? I’m for quiet, passive, and permanent rage.

What foreign cuisine do you like best? Indian, Malaysian, and Indonesian.

Were you born in the year of the Dragon? Nopes, I’m two years earlier.

Which do you like better: your American zodiac sign or your Chinese one? I don’t care for either.

What foreign country would you like to visit for your next birthday? I’ve always wanted to go to Thailand and I’m finally flying there in June! Not for my birthday per se, but I guess I can consider it some form of birthday gift for myself nonetheless.

Have you ever had pumpkin spice ice cream? I’ve never had anything pumpkin spice.

How old will you be on your next birthday? 25.

Are you a busybody, or do you take it slow? Busybody on weekdays, taking it slow on the weekends.

Do you wish you had more friends? Not this thought particularly as I’m pretty happy with the circles I have, but I wish my friends could be more outgoing hahaha. It took nearly three years to band my college friends together and even when it finally happened, we hadn’t even been complete. It’d be nice to see more of my friends more regularly.

What is the main character’s name in the book you’re reading? Phileas Fogg.

When was the last time you washed the dishes? Friday night.

Do you need to do laundry? Nope.

Have you ever seen a harvest moon? No and I’m a little scared to admit I don’t even know what this refers to haha.

Would you rather travel to Ireland or Japan? Let’s go with Japan.

Would you rather travel to China or Morocco? Morocco in a heartbeat.

What color hair would you have if you were a cartoon character? Purple.

Martini, margarita, or sangria? Margarita.

Is your life really that exciting? It can be; my work can be pretty cool most of the time! I like to keep my life outside of it super laidback and uneventful though.

Do you feel you are extremely gifted but no one appreciates you? I don’t feel like I am extremely gifted at all.

--

Do you have a specialty dish that you're really good at making? No.

What video games did you play when you were growing up? Grand Theft Auto because we didn’t exactly have adults watching over us, lol. I also loved the Spongebob video game based on the movie and Simpsons Hit and Run. Oh and Rock Band too!

Are you good at making big decisions alone or do you tend to seek approval from others? I appreciate advice and always try to seek them from either people I trust or people I know who’ve been through something similar. I also have a very rich history of making the not-so-best decisions so...to other people I go, lol.

Does your town or city have good public transport, or is it easier to drive? We have the shittiest and most uncomfortable public transport to ever exist and I’d admittedly much rather drive and be part of the terrible Metro Manila traffic crisis since I have the means and privilege to.

What was the last cocktail you drank? This gummy bear inspired cocktail from a nearby bar; it’s also served with vodka-infused gummy bears. I was super excited by it as I’ve wanted to try it out for a while, but it honestly turned out just ok. I personally would try another drink next time.

Are you good at keeping running counts and tallies in your head? Not really, I need to write or type it down in order to better track.

Does your country have its own edition of Big Brother? Yeps.

How often do you take a nap during the day? Rarely.

What social media platforms do you use? I’m on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram. Are there any foods you hate the smell of but like the taste, or vice versa? Liver. Under vice versa, longganisa smells absolutely amazing but I hate how it tastes. Every single kind of it.

Do you have a dishwasher? No. Idk any household that has one.

Who do you live with? Family and pets.

Are you listening to anything right now? Yeah I have a Run BTS episode playing in the background.

What is one of your favourite sitcoms? Friends :)

Do you make to-do lists? Yep, I always make a to-do list every single day for work; I fill it out as soon as I clock in and before doing anything else. Without it I’d be lost for the entire day.

If you could magically become fluent in any language, what would it be? Korean.

Have you ever tried vegan ice cream? I haven’t but it’d be really nice to give it a try!

What pet names do you use for your friends/loved ones? Siz, Madam, Mars, Mumsh, Mhie, Ate...the majority of these have local contexts that I am way too lazy to elaborate on.

What pet names do you like to be called? Like, in a relationship? I’m fine with your basic ‘baby.’

What was the best concert you've ever seen? Paramore, 2018.

Do you have any hobbies? Sure; going to museums and art fairs is one of them.

What is your favourite pasta shape? Linguine.

Have you ever developed your own film? I haven’t.

When was the last time you stayed in a hotel/motel and where was that? Tanay, last January.

What breed was the last dog you saw? Those would be my own dogs, and they’re a beagle and Yorkshire terrier.

Do you watch the Super Bowl? No. I’ll occasionally watch the halftime shows if I like the artist, but otherwise I couldn’t care.

What's your favourite Disney movie? Toy Story :)

What's the most stressful job you've ever had? My first and also current one.

What was the last text message you received? Something about work.

Should you be asleep right now? If so, go to bed! Not really; it’s only 9:23 in the evening.

[aeaeaexxzd]

I am randomly thinking about how miserable I felt when I went to England this year for no reason. I had a dream right before my exams where I went for a weekend (totally unrealistic and in my dream I knew it was completely useless but did it anyway). I spent more time at the airport than in the actual country. All I did when I was there was walk into a street with my tiny suitcase and look around for someone I might know. But I realized I hadn't told anyone I was coming because it was such a spree of the moment type thing. It felt so real. When I woke up, I thought that that was what it felt like when I did actually go, except then it was planned and I spent time with wonderful people and still felt empty and lost. I felt disconnected from myself and so from others too but I tried so so hard not to. I wanted to be normal so bad but I was insecure. I am insecure. And it ruins everything. It ruins special moments that only happen once a year with special people I only see then. But I just am fixated on that feeling because it took over my whole trip. And I feel disconnected now from my friends because I decided to stay off instagram even though it's the best way to stay connected now that I have moved far away. I sobbed on my friends couch and bathroom like I didn't have any air left to breathe and then I went back home. What I wanted to do was hug and hold and laugh and smile and rejoice. When I think about it again I want to cry because I wish I had been able to be vulnerable with my friends. Like the shittiest part is that I didn't open up, I didn't seek the comfort and advice of the people I was with out of fear of judgement, "ruining the vibe" etc. And right now everyone who really knows me is far away.

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, APRIL 30, 1994 Got up at 7:30 and now I’m going to go change all the calendars.

Tom’s still sick, but he’s in the shower now. After he’ll be going to his sister Mary’s to fix a light on her car.

Tom’s youngest brother Steven is getting married in Fresno, so Mary and his parents and going to drive out.

Later…

What a bummer that the pool’s too cold. I could really go for a swim now, and they’re definitely gone next door. It’s been a very peaceful quiet day.

I just harvested a bunch of lettuce, which I gotta go put in a baggy now.

I talked to Tammy. They’re operating on Bill tomorrow morning. I sent Tammy a letter and Bill a get-well note with a few flower drawings.

Tom’s till fixing Mary’s car.

Oh! Also, I called Nervous with the hopes that if Crystal were still there I’d get her on the phone and tape her. I was lucky cuz she is still there and man did she go off on me! It was so funny and she reminds me of Tracy K. If she’s the clingy, desperate type she sounds to be, she could hold Nervous hostage and beat the shit out of him. She sounds so mean. He sounded absolutely depressed and terrified. I think she’s got to be an alkie or a druggie or both, besides nuts. I hate to say this, but they deserve each other. I can picture her threatening and scaring him into submission and beating the hell out of him. I think the only reason they’re still together is cuz she’s got him in the palm of his hand and he’s terrified of her. Anyway, I’ll have a few great edits. I left the 30 seconds or so of her screaming at me on Andy’s machine. He’ll love it.

Later…

I just squished the lettuce into a big baggy. There sure is a lot out there. The carrots are doing well, but it’ll be another 3 weeks or so before they’re ready to be pulled up.

Now, thanks to Crystal, I am finally motivated to do some editing after quite a while.

Later…

Tom’s home now. I haven’t edited Crystal yet, but I’m all set to go. First I had to put her on my current convo tape and ditch a very old dead tape. One that I can’t record onto cuz what’s previously on it doesn’t get erased. Well, guess I will go edit her now.

Later…

I just edited Crystal. Yup, pretty funny.

Tom’s on the phone now talking to his brother. He says he feels better, but I have a feeling sex is out for this weekend. I also have a feeling that the sex will be a continuous cycle where I cry out for needing more, he gives in for a while, then backs off. We’ll see. I’m not going to keep “reminding” him, though.

Later…

I just began taping the Tonya and Nancy story.

Tom’s eating now and will probably be going to bed.

I’m 12 days away from my period, so I’m getting hornier and more bloated. I wish every day was like right after my period. It seems I only have about 3-5 days where I’m not so watery and gassed out. Tomorrow we’re going to the grocery store and I’m getting water pills. And if you can’t take it with asthma or Theodur - tough!

I’m in luck after all as far as sex goes. Tom says he’ll definitely be non-contagious tomorrow and that I won’t be horny this month cuz he’s going to wear me out. Cool!

Guess I will go watch the movie while it’s on. I just like to zip through the commercials, but I don’t feel like doing anything else right now.

A Note from Tom - 4/26/1994

Jodi,

So, you want me to write in this journal. You know, this well be over very soon and we’ll be heading home. Until then I well try to think of more things to write. This is a strange place for a dentist. I guess they expect you to go shopping then rent a few movies and have your teeth cleaned.

FRIDAY, APRIL 29, 1994 I just called Tammy. Things are definitely at their shittiest. Next week they’re removing and biopsying Bill’s spleen.

Tom came home early with a cold. Ten minutes before he did, I had a feeling about that. He’s laying down now. I hope I don’t catch it, although I never caught his last cold. I’ve been very lucky for over a year now.

I finished typing journal #2 and began #3.

Tom brought home more stamps from work (canceled). I’ve split them up between Kim and my parents.

Got 3 letters today from Bob. He asked if I remembered the date we met, and that he could. It took a while, but I found out we met on 8/25/91 in journal #5.

I also thought of a clever idea for numbering my journals last night. My perma-marker. You know that if I wrote with this pen, especially on those that aren’t cloth, it’d smear off. This pen’s permanent and won’t smudge off. For some journals, I kept their sticker numbers on cuz the color of their binders was too dark and the pen wouldn’t show up.

Tomorrow night there’s to be a movie with those ice skaters Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan. It oughta be pretty entertaining. They did a damn good job with getting Tonya and Nancy look-a-likes. It seems so many skaters, dancers and gymnasts look the same. Except for topless dancers in the clubs I danced in. They all come in a wide variety of looks and sizes.

Tom showed me something neat the computer can do with journals 1 and 2. It shows how many characters, pages, words and minutes I spent typing each one. I think #2 was 103 thousand and something characters. 19,500 words and I believe the minutes were, oh I forgot, but they were in the 5 digits. It may be around 50 hours or so that I worked on it. Eventually, I’ll add a summary information (that’s what it’s called) list of them, here in this book. Or somewhere.

Now I want to go finish my coffee and have a smoke.

Later…

Maybe praying to God as Andy does will work here and there. What tremendous willpower I’ve had with eating today. Only a few bites of spaghetti, a little bit of lettuce with ranch dressing and 2 pieces of bread. Gone down 2 pounds, but I must be consistent for a while to get my body to do its thing on its own as it has been since early 1988. I know it’s mostly water, but I can once again speed up my metabolism so I can gorge on whatever I want. As I said before, the use of the pool on a daily basis will help.

These last 2 months I haven’t had to wear a liner for extra discharges mid-cycle. Lucky me but, my tits have been way sorer throughout these last 2 months. I don’t know why. My caffeine intake hasn’t changed. Maybe it’s cuz my last 2 periods were sort of light and half-assed. It’d help if my next one was heavier, but that’d call for extra cramps.

Later…

Gosh, it feels later. It feels like it’s nearly midnight. Well, I got up at 7:30 so I’m starting to tire.

Next Monday I’ll send out letters as well as Mom’s Mother’s Day card and Tammy, Bill’s and my address labels.

I was doing great with eating very little, but I slipped. Let’s see… I had popcorn, a carrot, spaghetti and 2 pieces of cheese. God forbid I may be forgetting anything else. I’m soooo fucking bloated. I don’t dare step on that scale right now.

I will go shut the computer off now and at least lay down for a while. If I fall asleep, OK. If not, that’s OK too.

THURSDAY, APRIL 28, 1994 I was so pissed yesterday. I hate it when politics fuck up my life. There was no mail yesterday cuz Nixon died and was buried yesterday. Who cares about this impeached president who never did anything for us? Plus, this criminal had a funeral fit for a king. I just hope there’s mail today.

Andy’s friend Sarah may play Sabrina. He’s going to talk to her about it and if she agrees to it, I’ll give Fran her number.

For the first time in a while, I’m bummed, worried, and anxious. My weight’s going up and I just can’t stop eating. I’m hungry all the time. I tried to restrain myself and talk myself out of it, but before writing I ate a whole lasagna TV dinner and a big marshmallow/rice bar. I just can’t stop eating. I weigh 104 pounds and I doubt this scale’s even right. I’d say I’m more like 107-110. Being barely 5’ it doesn’t take much to see and feel it. I feel like a blimp. My waist is a sickening 27. I want it back to a 24. I want to lose 3” all around and weigh 95. Oh God, please give me the strength to not eat for at least two days. Please?

On the lighter side and better side of things, I got a letter from Kim today and a very nice one from my mom, too. Finally!

No concerts across the street and it looks as if they may go away this weekend next door.

I’m almost done typing up Journal #2.

Andy called me with Sarah on the line. Then, I called Fran and she played Sabrina.

I talked to Tammy who still doesn’t know much about Bill. She says to call her tomorrow night. Then, she hopes to know the whole story.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 27, 1994 The dentist told me yesterday not to do anything about my teeth unless it hurts. That wasn’t too big of a deal, thank God. He said it could bother me soon or years from now. Hopefully, it will stay right where it is, but I have a feeling that’s wishful thinking.

Up ahead a few pages Tom wrote a quick note. I love how he used the word “well” twice when he meant to use the word “will.” He says that’s a common mistake of his. He says the word “will” like “well.” He says all his short i’s as short e’s. That’s probably where that mistake comes from.

Damn, it’s chilly out! This is weird for this time of year. It’ll be in the low 70s until Sunday.

Just put letters out to Bob, Kim, Fran and my parents who will never call or write.

Tammy says they still have no diagnosis on Bill.

Well, that’s pretty much up to date. Been typing journal #2 up a lot and I hope to finish it today. Got 1 Bob letter yesterday which began BOL #8. That’s in #72 as I said before. Going to go type #2 now.

Oh! One more thing. I do believe Andy will be receiving “Sabrina’s” letter. You know, from Fran. He says he’s sending me one too, but I’ll have to see that to believe that.

How many Bob letters will I get today?

TUESDAY, APRIL 26, 1994 I am in the car now on my way to the dentist. I’m not looking forward to this, but hopefully, I won’t be in for too big of an ordeal.

I can blame Tom for my sloppy writing and I just did. I jokingly said we must be hitting air pockets (like in a plane). We still have a long drive ahead. Bell Road is way the hell out there. We’re driving by one of my favorite mountains now.

Later…

I am home now and Tom ran out to pick up my meds. He oughta be back any minute.

When he returns, we’re going to fool around, then later I’ll write about the dentist, Fran and whatever.

MONDAY, APRIL 25, 1994 Yesterday and today have been very busy days. Yesterday was the biggest breakthrough ever in organizing the back room. It looks better than ever in there. We put the twin bed at the end of the room, and it looks good.

I also talked to Fran and Tammy. Tammy still doesn’t know too much.

I typed some letters and taught me another great thing on the computer that I wish I’d known all along. There’s this dictionary that highlights and corrects misspelled words.

Today I really had my work cut out for me. I began at 7:30 AM right after Tom left and didn’t finish till nearly noon. I washed rugs, sheets, towels, etc. Did the dishes, dusted, vacuumed, washed the table, counters and stove, cleaned the bathroom and changed the pig’s cage. Now I really need to repolish my nails and shave, but I’m too lazy now.

Got 3 letters from Bob today with beautiful drawings on both his envelopes and letters. Beautiful flowers and one with 2 turtles that were awesome. Great idea for me to try. I’ve learned a lot from him.

Book of Letters #7 is finished. On the last few pages, I glued in poems. Like 5 of them as well as 3 parts of his envelopes. I printed a copy of his poems for him, too, cuz I know he likes to see them typed up. BOL #8 will be in #72. It’ll go quite fast if his letters keep pouring in as they have.

He says they’re soon to be transferring him to Gardner, MA. Great. I just pre-addressed about 12 envelopes to him. Guess he can get out in the year 2000. Only 6 years away, but to him, it must feel like 6000.

SUNDAY, APRIL 24, 1994 I wish I could know where each entry date was to be on each page of all the journals I have. If I could know this I’d stick in all the address labels. Like I said before, when I order Tammy and Bill’s address labels, I’ll then order my own with his last name. I’ll use those labels for the covers of each journal (when I’m officially married) and for all my mail and letters, except Fran’s. After we’re married there’ll be tons of labels left with my maiden name so I’ll use those for entry date separators.

Tom just came into the room and I believe it’s now playtime!

Later…

We played around for a while and now he’s sorting through boxes in the back room. Sex is better on a waterbed. It makes it easier to get into certain positions.

This is the last day of his vacation, but it’s been a good one. He’s been so happy and there’s been much more lovemaking.

A little while ago I stuck some address labels on different envelopes. I have 13 each for Kim, Bob and my parents. I used up all the cloud/rainbows and air balloons for my parents and I have 17 music labels left. Fran will get all the gold-trimmed ones, like the one in the front cover of my current journal. So it looks like I’ll use day separators in this order: music, silver prisms, Rose pond/seashells/river, and rainbow last.

SATURDAY, APRIL 23, 1994 Shortly after I last wrote, I fell asleep and got up at 7 AM yesterday.

We completed the waterbed a couple of hours later. It’s sooo nice and sooo comfy.

Yesterday was a very lucky day for me. We went to one bookstore where I wasn’t too impressed. Then, the second one was like oh my God!!! I got 8 journals for $25. Normally 8 of them cost $60. What luck, huh? They were all $2.98 and #66 and #67 are dreams come true with a real piano. (not a drawing) Most covers are drawings and designs. If I remember right, the 3 cat books and 2 dog books are my first with pictures of real live animals. I was going to get a real live horse cover, but I forgot. Other things on the covers of #66 - #73 are sheet music, guitars, drums, ballet slippers, and flowers.

Then, after I came home, the mailman came and there were 6 letters! And 2 of them were from Kim. The others were from none other than Bob. That’s 12 letters from Monday-Friday! The most I ever got in under a week. Same with the journals. The most I ever got at once is 3. No. Once I got 5.

Copying these 12 letters has taken up 70 pages. If I’d copied Bob’s letter to Kim and all Bob’s poems, it’d been 100-110. There are 30 pages left in Book of Letters #7, then Book of Letters #8 will be Journal #72.

Later…

Just sitting here waiting to see if the mailman delivers another slew of Bob letters.

I forgot to mention that yesterday we got a mattress pad. It’s much softer and more comfortable than what I had on the one I had back east. We also got a nice set of sheets.

Wait till I tell Andy about the bed, journals, and letters. The only one I haven’t told is Tammy cuz now’s certainly not the time.

I typed some letters, but I need to type more. I’ve got time since there’s no mail till Monday. I haven’t typed #2 (the current one I’m typing) onto my floppy disk, so I may go do that.

Later…

No mail today, but I typed more letters and some of #2.

Tom went to the racetrack today but didn’t win. He’s now reading more on how to print out pictures from videos. I can’t wait till I learn how to do this cuz when I do, I’ll be having a field day with different videos.

This will sound crazy, but it works. I got the idea from a health book. Guess what I had smothered all over my hair? Mayonnaise. Yup, it’s a cheap and great way to condition the hair. Also the nails, nail cuticles and skin.

FRIDAY, APRIL 22, 1994 I fell asleep yesterday at 4 PM and got up at 9 PM, therefore I’m still tired.

Fran left a message and he’s losing his phone again from the sound of it. Yeah, I believe that. He does that here and there.

The waterbed is almost all set up. All we have to do is fill it and set the headboard on. Tom went to bed about an hour ago and we’re going to fill it when it gets light out. This way we don’t get bugs.

We got the bombs yesterday when we went food shopping, so soon it’s bye-bye spiders.

God, my stomach is major gassed out. That’s what happens when I don’t get enough sleep.

I’m going to listen to music now, then I’ll write more.

Later…

Well, it doesn’t look as if I’ll be falling back asleep anytime soon, so I oughta write a little.

Bad news for the pool - it was 100º yesterday, today’s to be 98º, Saturday 83º, and on Sunday only 78º. This is going to cause a setback. Monday they say we’re in for T-storms.

Today we need to go out to get a mattress pad. Tom thought he had one from when he had his waterbed, but he thought wrong.

Yesterday I got another supply of 100 stamped envelopes and I pre-addressed some. For now, I think I shall go type some letters.

THURSDAY, APRIL 21, 1994 I had quite a busy day yesterday and today. First of all, this is the best pen I’ve ever had. It’s a rolling ball marker, not a felt tip. It glides so easily, giving me fine lines with no inkblots.

Shortly after I last wrote yesterday, we went and I picked out my waterbed. It’s got black padding all around it. There are no shelves or drawers, but that’s OK cuz in time I intend to add on the matching bureau. At the head of the bed, where the shelves usually are, there’s black padding that slants upward so I can sit up and read or write. It’s a king-size and costs $305.

The matching bureau has black padded drawers and the top surface of it is all mirrored. Then there’s a mirror extending upward with black padding around its sides. It’s really a sharp set and it’s totally me.

His brother David came over with his truck, got Tom and then went and picked it up. Tom’s got some of it assembled, but he had to stop to do some plumbing at his sister Mary’s house. I’m going to sleep in his bed cuz it won’t be done until tomorrow.

I’ll write more about it later, but before I sign off - I went swimming today and yesterday and it was great!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 20, 1994 I have some news that’s really going to send shock waves through the pages of this book, especially if it could feel. Well, I had a feeling and I foresaw this day coming by 1996 tops and it has finally arrived. It just didn’t arrive for the reasons I thought it would (by me building up a nest egg from singing). Well, I’m off SS and SSI! Got the news in the mail yesterday. My first initial reaction, which was normal, was to panic cuz this had been my safety net since 1986 and old habits die hard.

I said to Tom, who loves me rich, poor, or average, “I guess cuz we have each other I don’t need a safety net.”

Then he said, “But, you’re not exactly walking a tightrope anymore.”

That’s true. I got a life. I’m just not an emotionally mixed-up little girl anymore who needs mommy and daddy and SS every day of her life.

I’m still covered medically by Medicaid and Tom said that if they stopped it tomorrow, he’d marry me tomorrow. How sweet he is and I trust him so much after knowing him for a year. He also brought up a good point. He said that I could get a part-time job or do whatever I wanted and not have to worry about taxes.

What a life promotion this feels like to me. I really thought for the longest time that unless I got rich, I’d be on it for the rest of my life.

Between today and yesterday, I got 6 letters from Bob! That’s a lot of letters, huh? When I began to copy all of them, there were 99 pages left in the book. Now there are 55 left.

Now here’s my bad news. Bill’s in the hospital, according to Tammy, and it has just been found out that he has leukemia. This is just horrible! That sister of mine has also been through enough shit in her life and she doesn’t need this. If worse comes to worst, how’s she going to manage? She’s never been alone even a day in her life even though she’s 36. How would she be able to keep the kids and support them, let alone her own self? She’s a smart person who can learn very well, but she has no job skills.

Tom’s been such a love and such great support and he spoke to her, too. He said he’ll see that I fly there if I’m needed and wanted. He couldn’t go cuz he’d have to work and even though they hit it off over the phone, he’s still a stranger. I feel so helpless. She was there for me like never before when I needed her the most when I went through the shit I did with the NHA. I want to return the favor in any way I can, be it by being emotionally supportive over the phone or in person, or looking out for the kids. If I do go there, well, it sure won’t be in the way I ever expected. I expected all of them to come here first, so this is a hell of a way to visit, under miserable circumstances, rather than a happy family reunion.

Later…

I just put Piggy back in his cage after playing with him for a bit.

At 9:00 this morning, we may go get that double bed, but that will depend on Tammy first. I’ll call there at 8:00 her time (in 2 hrs) and see if there are any new developments. No one knows yet what type of leukemia it is or what the outcome will be. She’s talked to mom and dad and like Tom said, we’re sure they will do whatever it is that they can.

I spoke with Andy for over an hour after I awoke and that was good for me. We talked about that and I read parts of journal 12. Some of our worst times, like when he lived with me on Woodside Terrace. I wrote some pretty awful stuff about him, but like he said, we now laugh at it all. It’s all in the past and he admits that what I said about him then was the truth.

Andy’s been feeling really doomed lately. Well, Tom believes the world is going to continue for eons, I don’t know, but Andy feels it’s the beginning of the end. He believes in the Bible as well as certain prophecies and believes that the end will be from 1998-2001. Me? I still believe the Bible’s full of hogwash that anyone can write, but everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. What I or someone else assumes, believes, or thinks and feels may or may not be the truth and what will happen for sure.

Later…

In an hour and a half, I will be calling Tammy. I hope for their sake that all is OK. I just sent her a letter since it’s been so hard for her to find time to get into Prodigy.

Yesterday I sent letters to Bob, Tammy, and my parents, and 2 to Kim. Also sent for another 100 stamped envelopes. Today’s letters will go out to Bob, Kim, Fran, and my parents.

Later…

From the looks of it, I have a feeling I’m going to Connecticut. I called the house and Bill’s mother answered. I had a hell of a time understanding her with her accent. She’s from Israel. I spoke with Lisa too, and said I’d come in if need be. She then goes, “Awesome!” I reminded her not to jump the gun, though, as it was too soon to know what was going on.

I called the hospital and he’s in the William B. Backus Hospital. The same one I was before I went to Natchaug. His mother gave me the wrong room number (deliberately?) but I was finally connected to the right one. Tammy answered and said she’d call me back cuz the doctor was there.

I called Ma and told her I’m prepared to go if I have to. I really have a feeling I’ll be going.

Later…

The suspense and the waiting’s killing me. I wish she’d hurry up and call back. If I do go, though, it’s not going to be very pleasant for me, aside from what’s going on with Bill. Walking into that hospital and just being there in the Norwich/Salem area isn’t going to bring back a flood of pleasant memories. How long would I be there if I were to go, beats me.

Earlier I killed 3 spiders in here and now I have a touch of the willies. It’s time to bomb in here and get Operation Spider Storm well underway.

Gosh! I really don’t want to go to CT. Not like this. Not under these circumstances. God, please let Bill be OK if you can hear me.

Later…

Tammy finally called and she doesn’t really need me there. There’s nothing I can really do and I’m not an early morning person, as she herself pointed out.

Tom and I called CompuServe a little while ago and looked up leukemia. There are several different kinds, but they all sound pretty nasty.

Soon Tom and I are going to pick up my prescription and possibly get me a double bed. More than likely we will, seeing that I’m not going to CT.

I polished my nails Wineberry.

MONDAY, APRIL 18, 1994 Boy, did I do a lot all day and all night.

First, let me get the one and only bad news out of the way. For a few hours yesterday, I wanted to go next door and kill those animals. I guess they were running through their sprinkler, but nonetheless, they just wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Don’t their parents realize how close these houses are? I hope to hell Lenore wasn’t kidding when she said she was going to Idaho for the summer and I hope she takes those fucking kids with her.

Andy says I’m 100% ready to be a mom, but boy I’ll tell you, 4 kids is like 400 kids. I can’t deal with more than one kid at once. That means babysitting or listening to them. One’s all I can handle.

Very early yesterday morning Tom really calmed me down and had me feeling a whole lot better. I ended up sleeping from 8 AM - 2 PM.

Tom tried heating the pool, but it was still a bit chilly. We went in the jacuzzi, though, and talked about a Vegas wedding in June.

Later…

Wow! I’ve gotten 42 journals since coming to Arizona and I’ve done 21 since I lived here with Tom.

I got 4 Norah pictures off the video blaster. That thing is so neat. Using her video, we paused some shots of her, then printed them out. Cool, huh? And that’s not even the tip of the iceberg as far as what that thing can do.

This week, probably Wednesday, I’ll be getting a double bed. Also, Tom planned on giving me a bookcase with 6 shelves to use in my room cuz he is going to be building more in the back room. I had a little bookcase with 3 shelves by my bed (they’re both of wood). I had my CD player, CDs, and some knickknacks on 3 plastic shelves. Part of the ones my parents sent me when I first got here. I took those plastic shelves and put them in the back room. I put the CDs, CD player, and knickknacks on the little shelf (3). Then I went into the back room, took all his books off it, and walked the shelves in here, and put them on my bed. I put my journals on them, my alarm clock, pads, pens, markers, and little stuff like that. It wasn’t easy, but I got it in here somehow. Now I’ve got space with the way I’m set up in here for a double bed.

Tom will be getting up in 15 minutes. He’s going to be in for a big surprise when he sees all the rearranging I’ve done. Also that I moved those shelves all by myself, but I have moved lots of furniture before on my own so it’s no big deal.

A double bed sounds so good to me. If I decide I want to use one pillow instead of two, I can throw it on the other side of the bed. Now I throw it on the floor and often trip on it. Also, my comforter is a double size, so then it won’t have its edges dangling on the floor.

I talked to Tammy real quick. Bill’s been really sick with pneumonia.

I’m going to go make some coffee now. Then shortly after Tom gets up, I’m going to bed.

I think I’ve covered everything there is to say. I just hope I get a letter from Bob with the stamps I sent him. It sounds like Bob’s got lots of letters for me. When I talked to him, he was waiting on getting stamps and he said then that he had 5-6 letters to go to me.

It’s wishful thinking, but it’d sure be nice to also get a letter from Cassandra.

They’ve been quiet across the street for a while now, thank God. Yeah, that’s why I was compensated by next door.

Oh. Another thing Tom says the video blaster can do is to make a picture of me and Gloria, or whoever, look like we’re standing side by side. Cool. I know a few suckers who’ll buy that. If I tell them we met, I mean.

Later…

Tom’s up now filling out the application for a loan on the house.

When he got up and came towards my room I said, “How do you like how my room looks?” and he said, “Wow! You moved that all by yourself?”

He agrees it does look nice in here, but I really can’t wait for a double bed, the more I think about it. I want a soft comfortable one and thankfully he has full-size sheets. My full-size fitted sheets are long gone. I ditched them when I got my waterbed back in 1989.

SUNDAY, APRIL 17, 1994 Andy says he’s sending me one of his wacky letters. I got no letters from Bob all week. Now what the hell’s going on? He very well should have those stamps I sent, unless a guard stole them as I said before.

Yesterday the pool pump broke, but what else is new? Tom replaced it today for $240. Also, he got a video blaster for $250. I’ll explain how that works another time.

I’m going to be getting a double bed and other stuff next Wed.

I’m on a serious diet for the first time since early 1988. It’s no big deal, though, compared to having to lose 35 pounds like I did in 1985. I’m 104 and I want to get to 95, but I know I will. I can lose 2 pounds every 2-3 days. Doing it somewhat fast won’t hurt since we’re only talking about 9 pounds. I lost 2 already. I’m going to constantly be swimming, so that’ll make a difference. Tomorrow we’re going swimming.

Today was 100º! Neat, huh? It should be really hot tomorrow, too. That’s it for now.

Later…

I can’t fucking believe this shit! Yesterday I slept only from 8 AM-noon. I’ve been exhausted all day and all night yet I still can’t sleep. Tomorrow we’re going swimming, but how am I going to be able to when I know I’ll have to sleep the day away? How can I go shopping next Wed.? How can I be at my appointment for my teeth? How can I ever be a mother if that ever is in the cards for me? How? How? How? I’m so pissed and frustrated that that’ll only make it even harder for me to get to sleep. I feel like I’m going to be up till 6:00 and sleep till 3:00 or 4:00.

FRIDAY, APRIL 15, 1994 Tom’s going to dust the ceiling fan in the living room and he wants me nowhere near it. Ain’t that sweet? Most people forget or do not give a shit that dust makes me sneeze and wheeze.

My insurance will pay for any work on my teeth, but he said if they didn’t, he’d slap it on his credit card. How nice.

I typed letters to my parents, Kim, and Fran. Tomorrow I’ll do a letter to Bob and I hope he - or someone - writes soon. Hope I get mail tomorrow. I can feel it. I mean, I should. Bob oughta have gotten those stamps I sent. I hope none of the guards steal them.

I finished watching some shows I taped, as well as other stuff that was on. On weeknights at 1:30 AM, they have old reruns of Little House on the Prairie. I think I saw just about every single episode there ever was. Just like with Charlie’s Angels, The Bionic Woman, and Twin Peaks. I miss those days when they’d make over 100 episodes of all series. Now it’s only 10-15 and you see the same few shows over and over.

My tooth is wiggling a bit. Even though it’s a very slight wiggle. I hope I can hold out till the 26th.

THURSDAY, APRIL 14, 1994 Yesterday was a much better day than the day before. I’m due for my period so I’ll have to deal with that, unfortunately.

Got a letter from Kim today and in tomorrow’s mail, letters will be going out to her and Fran. Also, Tom brought home all different kinds of pretty and different canceled stamps. I’m sending them to Tammy to give to the girls.

I had a nice chat with Lisa today. Mainly about her school, the weather, and music.

The pool temp is up to 74º and I got up to my tits today. It won’t be long before I’m swimming away constantly.

We are not going to be able to go to Disneyland yet. It’s just too damn expensive. We may go to Tucson instead.

Andy and I had a nice phone chat today. He asked me to read him every Apr. 13th entry from ’88-‘93. If there was no entry for the 13th I read the closest date. I read up on a few different and funny things. Like how he got the phone bill in the name of Kevin Horne right before I left Springfield for Deerfield, and the multi-page phone bill “Maria S” got in Deerfield. Then we’d laugh at me bitching all about the cold and the snow.

Later…

I forgot to mention that I’m sending Kim 5 pictures I don’t want of Bob’s apartment The one he had before the last one. I’m sending 3 to Bob. One of me, Kim, Phil, and Alex. The other 2 are of me and Kim. I’m sending 5 to Fran. They’re of scenery and shit like that. They’re extras. I had 2 of the same shots of the place on Nettle’s Island that my parents just moved from.

My license came. My hair looks better this time than on the MA license but my face looks huge.

The bad news is that I need one or two teeth pulled. I have an impacted baby tooth. A dentist told me when I was between 20-22 that it may cause trouble when I got older. I really didn’t think so, but sure enough, last night at 3 AM I noticed a funny feeling. I can feel the tooth growing directly behind the one that’s always been there. I guess two of the adult teeth grew at an angle, blocking a baby tooth from getting out and letting the adult tooth come down. I’ve seen X-rays of it up in the jaw.

I called Access, who told me to call Wilcox’s office. The girl there gave me the number of a Dr. Sadar that I’m to see on the 26th. I hope it doesn’t get worse before then, but I was told to call if it does. Tom got some Ambosol for toothaches and whatever if I need it. I haven’t had to use it, but I took Ibuprofen for my cramps. Haven’t started bleeding yet, though. So far it seems my cycle’s every 29 days. Well, going to go lay down now.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 13, 1994 Went to see Dave and Evie’s baby. It was a cutie for a newborn. Also, her name’s not Nakita. It’s Nickolena but that’s pretty, too.

Dave and Evie are very nice and their house is beautiful. Funny how some people can have a normal house with normal neighbors and a normal sex life to go with it.

I just finished typing up journal 1 which only took 3 days. It came to 20 pages, 55041 characters. I’m going to go begin typing 2 next.

Cassandra left me a message last Sunday saying she had been in California when I left a message.

When I told her all that’s happened since being here, she sure was both shocked and very happy for me. She asked if I’d miss women, and said I had guts to do the dancing. Especially all-nude private dancing and modeling.

Now here’s the funny coincidence. She’s seeing someone now who’s an exotic dancer. I knew she was either gay or bi. I sensed it all along from day one.

She’s visited here before and she said she loved it. Also, this fall she’d like to vacation out here and see me. Cool! I would really like that. She’s such a neat person.

It’s going to be 91º tomorrow and the next day. Great. This oughta take the pool temperature up even higher. I believe tonight’s low is 70º.

I started typing journal 2 and I also typed letters to Bob and my parents.

TUESDAY, APRIL 12, 1994 Well, well. I guess I haven’t been writing as much lately. That’s cuz I have been pretty busy.

I didn’t go see Naomi cuz you couldn’t meet her after all. She was only there to give a speech. I also woke up wheezing really bad. If it were Gloria or Linda, I would’ve crawled there somehow.

Instead, Tom and I went to K Mart where I got 5 boxes (each containing 8) of markers for only $12. Good deal.

I also got Linda’s new CD and I especially love the song called Heartbeats Accelerating. There’s also a Spanish song on there.

I recorded 3 songs using Tom’s microphone. I think some of it sounds good and some of it sucks.

I sent Bob 10 stamps, so that’ll help him out and keep him busy for a while.

Tom and I also went to Red Lobster last Saturday and I loved it like I knew I would.

Sunday was the day I met Tom a year ago. Today was one of the worse days of my life 11 years ago. I jumped and broke my arm.

Later…

Well, I have my own floppy disk now and I learned how to use it. Remember how I was starting to type up and print out all my journals? Then I tossed the idea out. Well, now that I can type 100 WPM without looking, it’s much faster and easier. Plus, I’m not going to bother printing them out. The floppy disk can hold hundreds of journals. I’m almost through typing #1.

Tom gave me graph paper a while ago and I’m coloring in different designs and patterns to fill up his bare bedroom walls.

Tom and I did a survey thing again. Here are the questions with our answers (% of probability).

Will the business work out? J-100, T-50

Will we be married? J-100, T-100

Divorced? J-0, T-0

Will I be a singer? J-30, T-75

Dancer? J-15, T-25

Model? J-15, T-50

Have a kid? J-10, T-50

Abort it if I get pregnant? J-5, T-20

Quit smoking? J-0, T-95

Will Tom lose weight? J-100, T-75

Will I? J-5, T-80

FRIDAY, APRIL 8, 1994 Bob called collect a couple of hours ago. He’s pretty much just trying to hang in there and he does have an appeal going through.

As usual, SS is fucking with his checks. He’s having his sister look into it, but for now, he has no money to buy smokes or stamps. As soon as I get around to buying some, I’ll send some his way. I wrote to Kim and asked if she too, would send some stamps.

He says he’s locked down 22 hours a day. The other 2 are for showering, eating and making phone calls. He says there are no limits to how many letters he can get or send. He thinks there is a daily mail pickup, too.

The other inmates are unaware of what he’s in for and he has to keep it that way so he doesn’t have to be put away from everyone else. This I don’t understand cuz most inmates are there for some kind of sex crime. So many guys are pro-rape, so why would they want to go after him?

His cellmate is in for robbery.

He was also crying about how he hasn’t seen or heard from Kim. He says it’s cuz of his love for her. I know that, but I said, nah, she’s just busy and is afraid of running into that guy she testified against. This is true and we all know Kim’s barely home long to eat, sleep and piss.

Anyway, I typed letters to Bob, Kim, and my parents. Later I’ll do one for Fran.

Andy was over earlier. He brought me some postcards for magazine subscriptions and gave me 1 of 3 60-minute blank cassettes. He did have 2 stamps for 2 people he had me send wacky letters to but lost them. I dubbed 2 tapes for him which is a pain, but he says his new box eats 120s.

I got two more of those hang-up calls. Andy says he’s getting them, too. Mine come at different times in the afternoon. His always seem to come at 1:30 on Saturdays. Nervous could get this number if he wanted to, but I don’t know.

Tom may be a little late tonight and I’m sure he’ll be beat. I would be, too. This is why I told myself to enjoy the sex we had last Tuesday cuz I ain’t getting it for a while. Maybe this weekend, but we’ll see.

He didn’t get the job he was trying to get at AMEX, so now he’ll have to apply for another job.

THURSDAY, APRIL 7, 1994 Yes!!! I finally got a nice long letter from Bob. I copied it in #57. He even got the one I sent to Walpole. The second one, he should’ve gotten directly after he mailed the one I got today. My third one will go out to him in tomorrow’s mail.

I have a total of 146 letters so far counting from Book of Letters 1-7.

I hope that today my dad got his calendar.

Someone’s been calling and hanging up. If it’s not someone Tom knows, I wonder if it’s Nervous? He’s the only one that I can think of that may do that. Even long-distance.

I also typed Kim a letter and enclosed Bob’s letter.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 6, 1994 Let me begin updating starting with the early morning hours of the 4th. At 4:00 my time I called Tammy at 7:00 her time. They’re now 3 hours ahead. I told her about the talk I had with Tom, telling him how I feel sexually deprived, and about my mentioning a woman. She gave me good advice. She said I let my feelings be known to him, so now back off and see what happens. Also, I should sleep with him only. I agree, cuz the issue isn’t me missing women or him sucking in bed (though it does suck that he doesn’t cum), I just want more.

Well, yesterday we broke another record. He not only made it in there, but we both were so close to cumming.

Yesterday I got my license and I wasted my time studying for the test. I’m sure I could’ve passed it, but all I needed to do was show them my birth certificate and SS card. They took my picture which I hope isn’t too shitty since I’ll have to have it for 12 years. It cost $25 and it’s good till I’m 60. All I have to do every 12 years is get a new picture and an eye exam. When my last name becomes his it’ll only cost $4 for the change. They’ll be mailing me my license within a week.

I also got 3” of hair trimmed by some girl who was probably a butch. It’s quite shorter. Up to the small of my back, but I had to do it as it was so dead. It still looks like it’s been run through a shredding machine all the way up to my shoulders. It’ll come out of shock in 2-3 weeks. She also trimmed my bangs and I got more of that detangler.

The lettuce is really growing out back. Piggy loved it. It’s so tender. The carrots, though, are taking longer.

Well, I don’t think I’m forgetting anything. I’m taping my shows now.

Later…

Sure enough, Law & Order was a repeat.

I just made a huge thing of spaghetti which Tom really loves. Yup, I’ve gotten good at it.

I wonder if Bob got my letter? I sure hope so. But will I get a letter from him this month? I’ll have to see it to believe it.

Well, time to go listen to music now.

SUNDAY, APRIL 3, 1994 The EC has been fixed and today Tom’s going to do some yard work. Later we’ll be going in the Jacuzzi.

Evie had her baby yesterday and I must confess I’m a bit envious. I don’t know why I am, but I am. They named her Nakita. What a gorgeous, unique name.

This weekend has really been tough on both of us. Things have been breaking and we forgot a lot of stuff at the grocery store.

The lack of sex is getting to me again. People with busy lives manage to take breaks from their chores to play around for a half-hour or so, so why can’t we? Right now I wish I could tell him that I need the closeness as well as sex. It’d sure make me feel better, but I can’t make him do something he doesn’t want to do. He says it’s not me and that I do attract him, but I guess I’m going to have to take care of myself most of the time. For almost a week now he’s been saying “maybe tomorrow,” and I feel teased. If he wanted it that bad, he could’ve come and gotten it. Is he really teasing me or is his appetite really that low? And is it me or has he always been this way?

Later…

God am I bored! I can’t think of anything I really want to do. I did do one fun thing today. I went in the jacuzzi.

This sexually deprived girl hasn’t said a word. I don’t want to get into an argument. I’m not going to give in either. I know he’s not going to ask for sex today, but if he does I’ll give him a “maybe tomorrow” right back. Let him feel deprived for once.

Later…

Well, sure enough, Tom and I did end up having a discussion, but a good one. I let him know it’s not his fault that I’m hitting my sexual peak and he’s over his, which might be the case here. I also let him know that I love him, no matter what and that if this was to be part of being with him, so be it.

I brought up my getting together with women here and there as a side dish for when he’s too tired or too busy. One with no strings attached cuz it is he who I love and he only. No one and nothing can replace the relationship or the love we have. It’s not that he doesn’t please me in bed or that I miss women, I’m just not getting enough sex. Now I know how Brenda and Kacey felt, and they were at their peaks too. Tom said it’s something to think about, but then there’s reality. Do I really think it’ll be that easy? No. Otherwise, I would not have had only a few 1-nighters in 3 years. Things haven’t changed and they never will. 95% of gay women are butches and those few fems are going to want butches. The bi ones will want threesomes with their boyfriends or husbands. Plus, I couldn’t expect a woman to come running at the snap of my fingers every time I got horny. We’ll just have to wait and see, but no amount of sex can ever replace my love for Tom and the great person he is.

Yesterday I came up with a late, yet personalized present for my dad whose birthday’s the 5th. I wanted something with a personal touch. Not something I bought. So, I made a calendar on the computer. It was a great learning experience for me too, and believe me, I learned a lot. I did from April to December, using different colors for each month. Tom already had a blank calendar on the computer and I filled in the correct dates for each month. Then, I inserted my drawings on the bottom. I have 11 drawings scanned in, so April and December got two, and May through November got one.

SATURDAY, APRIL 2, 1994 Today's not likely to be a good day. The EC is broken, so Tom's gone out to the hardware store to get some parts. This is gonna fuck up our budget.

FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 1994 Tom just left a message. He’s going to be an hour or an hour and a half late.

I made another big pot of spaghetti. It came out well.

I talked to Fran and Ricky last night.

I called the Civic Plaza and Naomi will be there at 2 PM on the 9th.

Also, I called and scheduled an appointment for next Tuesday at 3:15, as I may need antibiotics. Been a little congested.

Today I was finally able to get into the pool all the way up to my ass. It won’t be long till it’s pleasant enough. It’s now 70º or so, so 5º more oughta make it nice enough. Actually, 10º more would make it quite comfy. It’s going to be 84º - 87º from now till Wed., so that’ll help it a lot.

I hope Bob gets my letter. I hope, also, to hear from him before the month is out.

That’s all for now, so, later!

[juliarchives]

oct, 1st

dear diary,

well, look who's back! my life has been pretty much the same: wake up, go to work, get home, study/go to uni, get home, and sleep. i just finished my first wave of uni exams (i did great, but it wasn't my best. i know i could've done better).

still struggling with my internship and can't wait for it to be over (only 2 more months), i mean, i really like reseach and find it very interesting but i don't really vibe/get along with some people of the team. for example, once they asked me what i was going to do on the weekend and i didn't really had plans so i just said that i was going to stay at home, just being the homebody person i am (don't get me wrong i really do enjoy being at home by myself, i need my 8 hours of being non-verbal to function properly). BUT last friday, they asked me again, and i said something similar bc i just got out of a wave of exams and needed to unwind by staying at home, u know? AND they had the NERVE to ask me if i didn't think i should be using antidepressants because it's bucolism (?). i was like, "dude, people can't even want a simple life anymore?" but i couldn't even form a sentence to reply. so i just gave a little smile and kept doing my work. but the way they said, belitting me, really made me want to cry right at the spot. and the funny thing is that these situations that make me feel like the shittiest/non deserving human being always happen when i'm actually feeling my best.

besides that, i have been trying to romanticize my life by reading romance/fantasy books, putting skincare, playing my silly little games, exercising, playing with dogs, dressing cute for uni (makes me want to study lol), and doing other things that makes ME feel happy. it's the little things that makes life bearable.

with love,

j.

[shhthesecretdiary]

Thought Dump (Aug 6, 2023, 12:32 AM)

Go ahead, put anything.

Sorna, yan kasi nakalagay before ako magtype.

Anyway,

This is attempt to produce something rather than spending a shit ton of time scrolling through different social media platforms.

Currently it is Sunday midnight, so day off. And, since I can barely get my shit together, I will write something about my life so far.

It always saddens me how I always fall short of my goals for myself. I can always start, but it is really so hard for me to be consistent and to see something 'til the end.

8th of July, I subscribed to a gym membership for 1 month. I did about 3 sessions and that was it. :( I had a lot of complains, which is true that I always feel pain on my calves, making it so hard to move them. Also, one of my pain points was that I have no effin idea what to do there, I had a personal training session during the first day, but that was too tough, I wished it was a taken a little bit slowly. Feel ko nabigla katawan ko. So I rested, and that lasted for weeks. Mageexpire na yung one month bayad, it's out of my budget to go for another month, so my goal is to lose weight first through waling and AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, PLEASE, LESSEN FOOD INTAKE AND BE WARY ABOUT WHAT I EAT.

Okay next aspect, work. I had finished my probation period last 24th of July, got the salary increase notification on the 25th, I'd be lying if I said I am satisfied with the increase, but I had to take into account na 'di pa rin ako magaling, 'di ko nababalanse yung tasks ko, nahihiya pa rin ako magtanong, still have no idea with corporates, still struggle with conversations, takot pa rin sa f2f convos with client, and still not in close relations with all of them. Bano pa rin. But I just hope they consider that my pay isn't enough in the first place. Pero sabagay, credentials ko rin.

Another, life. Hay, ang inet jusko. So far neutral pa rin ako, walang travel twing weekend, wala ring masyadong mayayang friends. Pero all in all mainit rin kasi. It takes a lot of energy and money to go out. And I wanna sleep in. Hopefully I'd get to try a lot of things soon. Once the weather is fine and I have enough money. Travel galore na. I'd really like to enjoy my youth and have something to look forward to aside from sleeping. To try something new and to explore. PERO PERA!!! I am also not on track with my budget.

Next, education. Ilang buwan na ako dito sa UAE, ilang buwan na rin akong 'di nagrereview for CPALE. Sometimes I just want to move out of here and live somewhere near the office, with my own apartment. Then sing alone, exercise, make my own food, then lesser time for commute, more time for myself. But still, money, and for sure mama will not agree. I also lost my streak to Duolingo French and finding it hard to go back. Consistency issues. My Coursera certification was buried na, and for the taxes and laws here, idk anymore.

Health, I feel like this has been my shittiest physical appearance, the worst look I've ever been. 73kg with a lot of acne, no menstruation for two months, losing a lot of hair, and I'm already numb. Lack of sleep during weekdays, oversleeping on the weekends.

Creativity, I feel like I am losing touch on the things I loved to do before. Art, music. Singing, Dancing, Recording, Video Editing, trying to do photography. Will make a conscious effort to try and produce some art again.

Hay, for the wins: Got credited for a Lexis Nexis article with Daisy for UAE Corporate Tax, working on another one I absolutely have no idea about, getting a hang of my work so far, and got inspired by Bhavika to read books once again. I loved The Kite Runner so much! Currently reading The Magic Strings of Frankie Presto. Another work of Khaled Hosseini next, which would be A Thousand Splendid Suns.

I am pretty much neutral now. But at the back of my mind, a lot of my "falling short" moments haunt me. But maybe this attempt on being aware of this would be the start to acting towards it.

Checklist:

Create a budget tracker now, kahit through Zoho. Ipon for travel to Caucasus.

Increase steps 10,000-15,000.

Make conscious steps to edit life videos

Start reviewing for CPALE again.

Connect with people more.

Fix sleep sched, and conscious eating (but writing this @ 1am)

Oil hair and minoxidil (pls), skincare

Be organized

Try to do something new often

Embrace your feminine energy and take care of myself more.

Mindet and action.

Marami pa, and this is very vague tbh but ayon, I need to sleep na rin.

Good midnight.

[atlasmoonshine]

How I almost died on a camping trip (Long story, tl;dr at bottom)

Ok so my geology class has an end-of-semester field trip to the Appalachian Mountains for extra credit. Naturally, I take it because I have never gone camping before and it was a great opportunity to do so. The first day was a lot of fun, we went rock climbing with no harnesses, almost fell 50+ feet, went into a cave with only one opening as wide as my body, almost got stuck, fun times!

But those, while dangerous, were not the near-death experience.

So before the field trip started, my professor talks about it in the syllabus. HOWEVER, there was NO MENTION OF A SUPPLY LIST. It LITERALLY only said "just bring money for food." My assumption was that they would provide supplies or something.

They did not.

I had NO sleeping bag, NO blanket, NOTHING. I only had a tent because I buddied up with someone. It was just me and the cold, hard ground, just completely raw-dogging nature. But I didn't realize she'd be the one raw-dogging me. And she didn't bring lube.

So what DID I bring, you may ask? Just enough clothes to last the weekend, the shittiest keychain flashlight known to man, a multitool knife, and snacks for the van. That's it.

It was cold. It was in the 20s that night, and me NOT HAVING A SLEEPING BAG OR BLANKET, I layered up on clothes so I'd at least be a LITTLE warmer. I had like 2 hoodies, 3 shirts, 2 pants, and 3 pairs of socks on.

So this is where the trouble starts. It was 1 AM and I had to pee. I stumbled out of my tent with my shitty flashlight. This flashlight, turns out, was only good at telling the general shapes of things, nothing else. So I saw a dip in the land and assumed it was just a ledge.

It was not.

I slipped and fell on my ass directly into a creek. My pants were SOAKED from the ass down, my socks were soaked, my shoes were soaked. And although I had the self-preservation skills of a lemming, even I knew that wearing wet clothes in 20F weather was BAD NEWS. And I had no clothes to switch into, as all the clothes I had were currently clinging to my freezing body.

I make it back to my tent and I start shaking like I have never shaked before in my life. Have you ever held an ice cube for so long it started to burn? My ass down to my toes were BURNING. My feet no longer had feeling in them except for the icy hellfire that punished me for having bodily functions. I couldn't even lay down because I had to sit on my feet with the hopes my body heat would at least ease the pain a little. After a couple hours, my torso started feeling REALLY warm, despite nothing really changing. I may not be a survivalist, but I've heard that's generally a bad sign.

4 am hits. After THREE HOURS of accepting death, being in the most pain I have been in in a hot minute, my tentmate, who has been peacefully sleeping next to me unaware of me fighting for my life, wakes up. I'm assuming from me vibrating so much I was rubbing against the tent floor making noise. She asks me "How are you doing?" I say "Miserable, I think I'm dying, thanks! :D" I tell her the terrible situation I was in and she asked the question I'm sure every reader has asked at this point:

"Why didn't you wake me up?"

And at this moment: I learned something VERY interesting about myself. The reason I didn't wake her up was because I didn't want to disturb her. I didn't want to disturb her with me LITERALLY dying. In an ACTUAL LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION, when given the choice between POTENTIALLY bothering someone or just straight up dying, I CHOSE DYING. For some reason, my brain put bothering someone and LITERALLY DYING on the EXACT SAME TIER.

So that's how bad my social anxiety is.

Anyways, she lent me some pants so I'd stop wearing my soaked jeans and gave me some socks and let me use her sleeping bag for a couple hours before everyone else had to wake up. Somehow, I made out of it alive while still keeping all my toes. But I came out of it with some new knowledge about myself:

My social anxiety is SO BAD that I would LITERALLY rather die than potentially bother someone.

Tl;dr: I almost died of hypothermia because of social anxiety

[triscribe]

Well then!

So, last July, I came down to visit my dad’s new house in Florida for the first time.

(It’s not a retiree thing, it’s a ‘my father has been a Disney fanatic his entire life and corrupted my stepmother into loving it too, so much to the point they picked out a home less than an hour’s drive from the Magic Kingdom’ thing. But that’s not really relevant at the moment.)

We spent a long weekend pretty much just hanging out, like we used to when Dad lived fifteen minutes away from me, with a couple trips to the local movie theater and LOTS of enthusing over new comic books. But! I ended the trip on a bit of an unhappy note, realizing only when I got home to Texas that I’d accidentally left my colored pencils in Florida.

The 24-piece set wasn’t especially important in and of itself, but I’d spent decent money on a nice zippered case that matched the one my watercolor pencils are in, and I wanted it back.

Dad had no luck finding it. On my next trip, a couple months later in September, I also had no luck. *rassafrassamumblegrumble*

However, being emotionally damaged to the point I don’t cry unless something really terrible happens CAN have an upside, and in this instance it meant I sighed and moved on, trying other sets of pencils and not bothering to buy any new cases until I could find something I really liked to use.

But now! I am on my latest trip, sneaking in a few days before Thanksgiving before I gotta go back home and work Black Friday weekend (be nice to your delivery drivers, guys, this is their shittiest time of year). On both previous visits, my stepmother was out of town for different things, intentionally timed so that I could have Dad all to myself, she’s thoughtful like that. Last night, though, all three of us were hanging out in the den, doing various things on our different laptops and idly chatting, when I asked if Dad ever happened to come across my colored pencils.

Stepmother picks her head up.

No, Dad says after a moment, Sorry, still nothing. Stepmother blinks at him.

For her benefit, I start to explain about misplacing my pencils two visits prior. I get no further than a single sentence before she’s setting her laptop aside, standing up, and announcing Well That’s Easily Fixed!

My occasionally (read: frequently) insane step-parent disappears briefly into her office. She returns with not one, not two, but three, MASSIVE sets of colored pencils, one in a thick zippered case and two in tin containers with layered trays. VERY high quality, one hundred and eighty pieces EACH.

This is a woman who grew up on a limited household budget, and lived the first couple decades of her adult life in a similar, frugal-by-necessity manner. But! Ever since marrying my dad, getting to live on his income while going back to school, and steadily climbing her way up in the medical profession to a point where she now makes As Much and Half Again of what my computer engineer father does- she likes to buy Shiny Things. As in, she will happily throw herself into a new hobby for the excuse of purchasing all kinds of cool materials for it (skeins of yarn, paint supplies, baking equipment, etc), dabble for a few months, and then move onto something new. ADHD Mood, anyone?

Anywho.

The coloring book phase is apparently long since over, and she happily gifted me with two of these massive colored pencil sets. Dad reminded her I only came with a small suitcase and mini duffel bag. She airily waved a hand and said if I needed more carrying capacity, they’d get me another suitcase before I go home.

I may have had my reservations in the early days, but I can easily state now that I wholeheartedly love this woman.

(And that I anticipate the distant day when the grief of losing her and Dad will hopefully be offset by inheriting an insane amount of old art supplies and comic books, ‘cause like hell are my stepbrothers getting any of it.)

[mm2305]

Hi Mil!!

I thought those Meet Cute asks were so much fun!! I am glad you did too!! If you have time I would like to request #35 for Ethan and Olivia.

Thank you!!

-Kate

Please drive!

Pairing : Ethan Ramsey x f!mc (Olivia Valentine) ¦¦ Words/Rating : 1.4k / T ¦¦ Warnings : mention of aggressive dogs ¦¦ Setting : Alternate Universe ¦¦

Prompt : They jump into your car breathless and tell you to keep driving

A/N : Hello!! I'm sorry this took so long but it's here now and I really hope you like this Kate! I certainly had lots of fun with this. Request from the meet cute prompt list (requests still open). Happy reading!

Disclaimer : all characters belong to the rightful owners. Also the Thomas Mendez headcanon here is by @jamespotterthefirst

Masterlist

-/-

It was a warm, sunny afternoon, the sun high upon the sky, the air unusually filled with humidity. A dreadful combination, for sure. The street was mostly empty, the sight of another soul, rare during this time that the heat was at its fullest. Most people would be sensible enough to not go out at 103°F, but as much as he needed to be one of those people, Ethan was on borrowed time that day.

Being an intern at a hospital was probably the hardest - and let's be honest, shittiest- situation you could be in, right? The answer is a big fat no. At least that's what Ethan Ramsey, a doctor who at just his second year as an attending was at the top of his game and highly successful, would say. Why? Because someone has to deal with the interns and that brave soul has to deal with a lot. He speaks from experience.

Hence why this was the only moment he could slip in his schedule to take a break and get some decent coffee. His best friend Tobias, had suggested he go to the new place in the suburbs to get his caffeine fix. Of course, Ethan didn't believe him at first. A coffee shop in the suburbs? Sounds like one of Tobias' usual pranks. Still, his curiosity won and he drove all the way to the suburbs in search of the infamous coffee shop.

He would die before he admitted that Tobias was right, but that was some pretty good coffee. Content and somewhat more ready to go back, he began walking to his car. He could hear some barking in the distance, but that was to be expected. All those rich people around here sure would keep a dog or two. "Well maybe I should adopt the pup Thomas stole. I could use the company of someone not constantly talking" , he thought to himself as he unlocked the car.

Ethan quickly got in and immediately turned on the air conditioning. He sinked into his leather seat and closed his eyes for a minute, finding some relief from the unbearable heat. Suddenly he heard the door of the car open and close along with some very loud barking and he instinctively jumped in his seat, turning to look at the person who jumped in his car.

He didn't even get to utter a word before the woman turned to look at him with pleading eyes.

"Oh my God I'm so sorry for barging in but please please drive ! I'll explain everything I promise!"

Not even thinking about it, he started driving, while keeping an eye on the woman next to him, who was breathing heavily and looking out of the mirrors. It was then that he saw six big dogs running after his car and all that barking he had heard started making sense.

The dogs stopped following them after a few more minutes, their endurance making them seem understandably terrifying. Only then did she relax and take a deep breath.

"Thank you so much for this. I'm so sorry for jumping into your car.", she thanked him with a small smile.

"Uh… it's no problem. Glad I could help."

"I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Olivia Valentine, nice to meet you.", Olivia extended her hand towards him in a handshake.

Turning his eyes on her he briefly shook her hand. "Ethan Ramsey, it's…certainly interesting to meet you"

She laughed slightly at that, shaking her head and looking out of the window.

Ethan couldn't help but really notice how attractive she was. Her hair was gold blonde and tied back into a high ponytail, shaped in loose curls. Her eyes were big and green and her skin was spotless. Olivia wasn't wearing much makeup but what really stood out was her plump, bright red lips, perfectly contrasting with her fair skin. She was dressed in a simple, professional, dark blue , form-fitting dress with black high heels that accentuated her long legs. She was wearing a silver, elegant wrist watch and in her lap rested a black briefcase.

"Would it be okay if I asked what just happened to you, Miss Valentine?", the urge to solve mysteries whether it was regarding medicine or this beautiful woman, propelled him towards asking her this question. Besides she just came out of nowhere, I have a right I ask her. Right?

"Please call me Olivia."

"Only if you call me Ethan"

She grinned and nodded. "Deal"

"So, Ethan , I am a real estate agent. I had an appointment with a client to show him a villa that was for sale but I had been waiting outside the house for thirty minutes and he hadn't shown up. And of course, he didn't even call to let me know that he wouldn't come, instead of letting me roast in the sun. Anyways, I decided to leave and I walked a couple of blocks down the street in hopes of getting a cab. You can guess how well that went in this time and area, so I called a colleague to come pick me up. I was waiting for her to come, when two of these huge ass dogs escaped their homes, thinking I was an intruder just because I passed by and began coming closer, teeth bared and all. Since I am so lucky today, somehow more dogs gathered so I panicked and ran. They started chasing me… and then Olivia met Ethan", she finished her story with a dry chuckle.

Ethan was left speechless. His surprise must have been written all across his face because next thing he knew she was bursting into laughter.

"I'm-I'm sorry… it's just--that you should see your face", she said in between laughing.

"I mean. Wow. And all because of that jerk of a client."

"Definitely a jerk and not only because of that. He's a plastic surgeon and he's all about how successful he is or some shit. "I'm Dr. Thorne and I'm one of the leading plastic surgeons in Massachusetts." As if I give a damn. ", she rolled her eyes hard.

"Dr. Thorne you said? Ugh he's one of the worst of his kind"

"You know him?!"

"Yeah unfortunately. He works in Edenbrook, as do I. I'm a doctor."

"Ohh interesting! Let me guess. Internal medicine?"

"Actually… yes. How did you guess?", he turned to give her a surprised look.

"You previously said of his kind. I know enough about doctors that one working in internal medicine isn't particularly…fond of surgeons. Am I right?", she asked giddily.

Ethan chucked at that. "Yes, you are. Mostly at least"

"Nailed it."

Valentine. Where had he heard that name though…?

"You work in the big firm downtown don't you?" , he stated rather than asked after a moment of silence.

"I was wondering when you would figure it out Dr. Ramsey.", Olivia teased him, smirking.

"I am a diagnostician Ms. Valentine. I notice things. And your firm is difficult to miss"

"Technically not mine. My father owns the business."

"So it's safe to assume, your mother is the doctor?"

"Bravo, Doctor. Yes indeed. She works at Mass Kenmore."

"I see… So. Want me to give you a lift? We're already in the car and your work is on my way.", he raised an eyebrow expectantly.

"Sure! Thanks Ethan", she replied, grinning widely.

They spent the rest of the way comfortably talking to each other, both genuinely enjoying each other's company. For someone who was so talkative and gregarious, Ethan found himself interested in anything Olivia had to say. She was smart and confident, but in the most charming way possible. At last they reached the firm and Ethan pulled over.

Both turned to look at each other and started talking simultaneously

"Olivia--"

"I --"

"Ladies first.", he motioned for her to say what she wanted.

"Right. Thank you once again Ethan, both for the save and the ride. It was really nice to meet you.", her hand reached and squeezed his arm.

"You're very welcome, Olivia. I uh… wanted to ask…only if you want to of course… can I have your number?". He was quite visibly stuttering, but he tried to hide it behind a cough.

Olivia looked him in the eyes, clearly seeing through him and smiled. "Yeah, absolutely. Can I have yours too?"

He smiled back at her. "Yes of course"

They exchanged cards and after saying goodbye, Olivia got out of the car and walked back into the office. Just as she sat down at her desk she received a text message.

Ethan : Meet me this Saturday at 8, in "Gaston's Bistro"?

Olivia : I'll be there :)

Ethan : Perfect :D

She put her phone away and got down to work, smiling all the way, already excited for her date this weekend.

-/-

A/N : Of you made it till here, then thank you for reading! Likes, comments and reblogs are always appreciated :)

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[keilemlucent]

lavender latte: iii

(T (for now!))

hawks | takami keigo x reader

ao3

chapter 1   ||   chapter 2   ||   chapter 4

word count: 4.2k

a cheeky drink and some mutual sabotage. 

warnings: oh no, they say s*x, fluff, pining, the usual, and a wittle angst on the side, reader smokes cigs bc its a salem trademarked fic thing

enjoy folks ;^) the whole of this piece is gonna be about? ten chapters. so. hold on tight!!!

beta read by @keiqos, heart EYES

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“Let that sit for a second or you’ll burn yourself—”

“Don’t need to tell me twice, angel. I know the drill.” Hawks replied with a wink.

You weren’t ever going to get tired of that.

You really expected Hawks to disappear out of your life. You really, truly expected him to run off for good. How many bigger, better, and more important things did he have to do? Even if you managed to speak to him and regard him like any other customer (or, perhaps acquaintance, and more recently, friend — ), your mind swam with insecurities that only seemed to get worse over time.

You were waiting for the metaphorical thread to snap.

You waited for the day Hawks simply would stop texting you flirty bullshit on a somewhat regular basis.

But, holy fuck, the dude didn’t.

 You couldn’t think of why. You weren’t complaining about the attention, but you also were terrified of getting too used to it. Hawks was a part... bird (?) right? He was flighty by nature.

Despite this, Hawks continued to not only text you but also stopped by the shop fairly frequently for his special, quirk-fueled beverage fix. Politely, he’d text you the day before he planned to make an appearance to check and see if you were working, and then show up the next day like it was nothing. 

He usually wouldn’t stay for long; the hero was ungodly busy and always on the move. But, he always took the time to flirt and get a full description of his drink before dashing out to save the world once more. 

Most days he visited were his ‘hero work’ days. He’d appear in his costume, done up and dashing for a sip and a quick talk before disappearing once more into the skies. Every once in a while, Hawks had an ‘office’ day where he’d be confined to his agency to catch up on his insane backlog of paperwork. On these occasions, Hawks would talk (stall) at the tea shop for as long as possible. You talked and joked with him as long as he would let you. Sure, it put you behind on work, but no one at the shop was going to tell you off for fraternizing with the number two hero (whose repeated presence was drawing more customers anyways). You both reveled in each other's attention, drinking in the other’s slowly softening smiles and quick wit. 

 On this day, Keigo’s wings were the shittiest they had been in a while. Plucked and almost barren with how much he’d been working lately. Total exhaustion seemed like it was constantly on the horizon, tugging as his eyelids and weighing down his chest each morning.

It was easier to get out of bed when he got to think about seeing you.

Sure, your drinks were a perk. Very much so. He was getting so used to the artisan beverages you crafted that the taste of his normal canned coffee was starting to bother him. 

But, what his real thrill in visiting the tea shop was that he got to see you, and that made his heart pound. 

He sat across from you, looking down into your newest drink. It swirled between dark and milky, a heady, rich aroma billowing up with the steam it produced. He had requested something ‘surprising, new, and horribly caffeinated’ as deep fatigue was the worst villain he’d likely see that day. You had just nodded, cheekily starting to prepare his drink with a bounce in your step, pupils going wide. 

“I feel like you’re gonna start running out of ideas one of these days,” Keigo laughed, adjusting himself on his stool, gloves and jacket removed. He almost looked like a normal patron.

 You grinned to yourself, idly cleaning around you as you often did, “I dunno, I’ve got a lot.”

Hawks raised an eyebrow, “Tell me about them.”

“Nope, top-secret,” You shook your head, digging into your apron to flash him the small notepad you carried on you.

Scrawled in nasty handwriting, you carried your many ‘feeling’ ideas around with you. Different concepts and abstractions all scribbled down, a nice long list to look back on whenever Hawks would make his appearances and his own vague requests. Your backlog of ideas made it easy to find something more than suitable to make for him.

When Hawks saw your notepad his eyes widened, tilting his head and a devious smirk coming to his lips.

Your expression fell, and you stuffed the papers back into your pocket, hiding your hot face by idly cleaning some more. 

You left yourself very open for teasing, it seemed.

(Not that you or Keigo minded.)

“You keep a little list of all of your ideas! I’m beyond flattered,” Hawks ran a hand through his hair, flashing a cocky smile for you. 

“I have to stay prepared, can’t be disappointing my celebrity sugar daddy,” You winked as Hawks’s eyes went wide, half-hearing a choke get caught in his throat. (You loved it when you were able to get him visibly flustered. What a treat.) You nodded down to the drink, “Should be good to try now.” 

 Keigo really liked spending time with you. He knew it was always fleeting and short and consistently he wanted to find reasons to stay with you at the tea shop counter for longer and longer. Your quips and chides continued to get quicker and more clever and he was having an increasingly difficult time keeping his cool around you. Most of the time he smoothed himself easily, not showing a trace other than that which he neurologically couldn’t control. 

But sometimes, you were bold enough and ballsy enough to get him to gag on his literal words and he was positive that you were the only person to ever have him break composure in such a way. 

He covered his weakened poise by sipping the new drink, mindfully letting the taste wash over his tongue.

Increasingly, you’d been changing up the so-called ‘vibe’ of your beverages. It seemed like each time Keigo dropped in, you had something new and vibrant to show him. 

This drink was particularly different.

The taste was rich, dark, and smooth, rolling into the back of his throat and down his spine. It coated his insides with a warm, low heat. Peeking through were sweet, light accents, warm but almost... teasing?

His dick twitched.

 Hawks’s mouth dropped open, any and all professional veneers dropped as you just beamed so fucking smugly at him. 

“What do you think?” You leaned a bit forward, bouncing on your toes with excitement.

“Is... Is this supposed to taste like sex?” Hawks asked, taking another mouthful to confirm. Based on the way his eyes briefly shut and some of the tension rolled from his shoulders, he thoroughly confirmed it.

“Technically, it’s crafted based on like... a late-night rendezvous. I left it fairly up to interpretation beyond that. The rest is on you.” You shrugged, still bouncing as Hawks took another chug.

“What the fuck, (Y/N),” Pleasant shock colored his features, but clear amusement stretched across his lips as he continued to drink. 

“You wanted something surprising and horribly caffeinated. That’s a dark chocolate mocha with two extra shots, our in-house raspberry and rhubarb syrup, a bit of white chocolate syrup, and a few of my add-ins as well. It’s pretty different from what I’ve made you before,” You blinked at him, stomach twisting as his expression remained unguarded. “I... I probably should’ve asked before giving you a drink that definitely could’ve been taken as sex. That’s my bad. I can remake you something else if you’d like?”

 Keigo shook himself from his stupor, shaking his head and quickly regaining his composure. He took another sip to emphasize his words, “No, nope. It’s okay. Definitely okay. The drink is really good. I’m just now wondering something.”

“And, what’s that?” You asked, reaching behind the counter to grab your own iced beverage.

“Can your quirk be used to manifest bad feelings and concepts, just like good ones?” Keigo asked. Normally, he’d add more nuance, but he was getting impatient and sloppy around you. He’d have to keep that in check.

Especially with the way your shoulders drew up and tensed. You turned a bit away from him, any and all potential for eye contact torn away.

He hit a nerve.

“The type of abstract feeling doesn’t matter, I can emulate it,” You replied, pulling at your nails. Keigo had long picked up that it was one of your habits when your anxiety spiked. 

He dropped it, but didn’t forget. There were public files on quirks. Maybe he’d look into it. Maybe. It felt a bit invasive, but considering plenty of that data was freely accessible, it hardly was an invasion of privacy, right? 

(Except for the fact that it obviously made you very uncomfortable to discuss the more unsavory potentials of your quirk.) 

(He just wouldn’t tell you.)  

Keigo switched topics, easily rolling away from the topic, “Any particular... event that inspired this one?” 

You pressed your hands into the counter, leaning over it to glare at him, “Are you referring to something with that comment, Hawks?”

He shuddered when you said his name, but you don’t notice. 

“Maybe I am, maybe I’m not,” Keigo shrugged easily, going for another sip.

 The drink was inspired by the several day cinematic, wine-bender you went on a week or two prior. An entire weekend with just you, your cats, three entire bottles of wine, and a backlog of movies to catch up on. You tried to consume lots of different types of media, but what had been catching your eye lately had been anything with gushy romance for fairly obvious reasons.

(There was an embarrassing amount of ideas for drinks that were a bit too romantic to properly indulge with your quirk. You’d never tested the limits of how certain feelings could manifest, and you weren’t quite ready to face the reality where you could make people nut from caffeinated milk.)

“It is good though, the drink,” Hawks smacked his lips together as if it would make his coming analysis more credible. “It definitely does taste like sex, but more so complicated. Darker.”

“Deeper.” You smiled. “Your palette is getting more refined. I’m proud.”

“Are you saying it was bad to begin with?” Hawks pouted, flashing you falsely weepy eyes and a puffed out lip.

You rolled your eyes, “Yes, you yourself have admitted this. You drink canned coffee still, so I can’t even call your taste good.”

Hawks gasped, putting a hand to his chest, “I’m hurt, truly wounded.”

“I’m sure you are, tailfeathers.”

“I really thought I had reliably moved up to ‘birdboy’, angel.”

You snorted, covering your mouth with your hand, “Just goes to show how quickly the tables turn, tailfeathers.”

Hawks’s pager suddenly chimed, a familiar sign. He took a quick look at it and sighed, moving to re-robe. You were surprised by the speed at which he did so, and the way he became tense so quickly. 

It made you realize that he was always tense.

(Unless he was talking to you.)

“I thought today was an office day?” You asked, a bit of a disappointment clouding your voice.

Hawks just gave a small smile, fully plastering back on his heroic facade, “Duty calls. Lots happening lately.”

He flicked his visor back over his eyes, slid you your normalized wad of cash, and whisked himself out the door, immediately taking to the skies from the streets.

He’s in a bit of a hurry.

He... didn’t even say goodbye. 

Wonder what’s happening?

 Truthfully, Keigo was a bit startled by the notice on his pager. The whole reason he’d started patrolling the particular neighborhood the tea shop was in was because there was word of a villain syndicate working nearby. It hardly seemed right for the neighborhood, but Keigo knew that villains hid anywhere. Whatever they were planning was still relatively shrouded, but it was clear that it needed to be treated delicately. That particular neighborhood was rife with pedestrians, businesses, and homes and any sort of villainous activity had the possibility of reaping a heavy amount of collateral damage. Keigo and the Commission had been on their guards about it, but things had been steadily becoming more intense over the past few weeks. 

Plopping himself on a rooftop, Keigo took up residence to stake out his newest lead, watching figures and silhouettes in a nearby office building.

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 Funnily enough, the rest of your week went horribly. Just downright shitty. You figured at some point, things would let up, brighten, but they didn’t. Each day brought some new, personal calamity. 

The first was a trip to the emergency vet with one of your cats after she swallowed a hair tie. An expensive vet bill later, she was perfectly healthy, but you remained wracked with anxiety. 

Another day, the owner of the tea shop paid a visit to chew you out for your newest tea blends not fulfilling his picky seasonal requests. You were relieved it had nothing to do with how Hawks monopolized your time. Still, getting yelled at easily within earshot of both coworkers and customers made your insides twists. 

The final small disaster was when a particularly asshole-ish customer chucked a hot drink all over you and your cute white sweater. One of the younger openers had been dealing with a difficult patron and an incorrect order, nothing out of the ordinary. When you tried to step in and de-escalate the situation, the man ripped the lid from his cup and splashed you with the burning liquid. You held back any sounds of pain even as your skin stung like hell when you offered to remake his drink.

One of your managers luckily allowed you to go home early. Thank god.

By the end of your shitty week, you fell into your apartment and just cried. White sweater stained and day feeling fairly ruined, you let yourself have a good, solid sobbing session to just release how terrible things had been. 

It would pass, you knew. But it sucked at the moment.

It also didn’t help that Hawks had been particularly absent after running out the last time he came around. He’d still managed to shoot you a funny text or two, but mostly, it was silence from him. You rationalized it by reminding yourself of how quickly he flew off at the end of his last visit, hero business forever more pertinent than you and the shop.

You reminded yourself to keep yourself grounded in Hawks obvious impermanence, even if you were starting to get used to (and really like) having the hero around. 

You decided that your Friday evening would be good. You treated yourself to a hot shower, noting with a hiss the pink scalded skin that covered your chest from your collar bones to just below your breasts. You threw on a facemask and uncorked a bottle of wine you had been saving for a rainy day. 

You clicked on one of your favorite shows, an older cartoon that brought you consistent comfort in times like those. Curled up with a knit throw blanket and your healthy cats, it did help soothe the burns, mental and physical.

That is until you got a bit too drunk on red wine and it turned into sad drunk.  

So, you made your way to the roof.

You weren’t fucked up beyond belief, despite the fact that you were towing an open bottle of red in one hand and a pack of cigarettes in the left. The cold would sober you up, along with the nicotine. You hoped it would force you out of your head. 

Upon throwing open the door to your apartment complex’s rooftop, you were made very aware of its wintertime disuse. The gardens that grew during the summer were snowcovered. The chairs and tables for lounging were in a similar state. You didn’t mind. 

The view was still nice. 

You set down your bottle and zipped up your coat. Quickly, you brushed off the flurries from a rickety lawn chair and plopped yourself down. You threw on some music from your phone, playing some sweet, old songs that made your chest ache when you needed it to.

The city stretched in front of you, beyond the rooftop. You didn’t live in a particularly wealthy district, but there was no shortage of dazzling neon and bright street lights dotting the ground below. You watched how the rest of the city stretched far beyond your little pocket, still gleaming with multi-hued lighting and dazzling in the wash of the crescent moon.

You took a swig, fishing for your self-dubbed ‘sad cigarettes’ and lit up. With your exhale, you watched as smoke lazily swirled away, carried by the soft winter wind. If you were any less drunk, you’d be freezing.

A shadow, winged, fell across the snow. 

“You know, I get nervous when I see pretty girls on rooftops with bottles in their hands,” You jumped at the voice, whipping your head to the source.

Hawks stood, scarlet wings fanned outwards, on the lip of the rooftop. 

Your eyes widened.

You took another sip.

He gave an affectionate laugh, jumping down into the area where you were seated.

 Keigo had just been out on his normal, nightly patrol. The leak had been correct and he’d been stealthily tracking the villains while completing the rest of his hero duties. He was able to laugh off his exhaustion, but it was starting to eat him. Several cans of coffee a day was hardly doing it for him. He hid his sleepiness and aches well, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t difficult. All the same, his typical roles had to be fulfilled. 

He was surprised to see you, all alone on a rooftop with a lit cigarette between your fingers. Keigo let himself be surprised before noting that ‘ yes, you definitely probably live in this apartment building and you’re just outside to smoke’, but the sudden jolt of panic he felt was crushingly unbearable. 

Mostly because it was personally protective and not heroically instinctual and he couldn’t start acknowledging that aspect of his feelings for you. Not yet. 

Keigo walked towards you, asking, watching you blink blearily at him “You doing alright?” 

Eyes downcast, you shrugged, “We all feel shitty sometimes. Just depends on how you cope, ‘ya know?”

“And how do you cope, (Y/N)?” Keigo asked, pausing before brushing off a chair. “Mind if I join you for a bit? I could use a second to rest my wings.”

You nodded, almost offering him the bottle, but quickly pulling it back to your chest before taking another inhale. Offering a pro hero alcohol while he was pretty obviously working seemed like a bad move, even in your tipsy state. 

“Most of the time, I watch nice stuff and distract myself, like most people, ya’ know?” You exhaled as you smoked, relishing the nicotine buzz. “Sometimes, though, I just feel extra shitty and need to extra cope.”

Hawks hummed in agreement, sitting back in the chair. His wings were folded up and over its back, the longest feathers trailing in the small snowdrift behind him.

“Do you get cold, being in the sky all the time?” You asked, eyes going cloudy as you stared up at the lights of the city and higher into the sky. 

“Most of the time,” Hawks chuckled, throwing his arms behind his head, “I’ve told you this, angel. It was one of our first conversations.”

Your eyes widened at the realization, mouth open with a hearty laugh.

 It made Keigo’s eyes water a little. He blamed it on the wind. 

 “I’m silly, I can’t believe I forgot,” You nestled back into your chair, tracing the lines between constellations. “It’s the whole reason you came to the teashop in the first place.” 

Your voice resonated, focus foggy. Somewhere else, old memories played in your mind, recounting your first few meetings with Hawks.

A warm, small smile stretched across your face as you traced the stars. 

 Keigo watched, enraptured. You were cute, especially like this. All bundled up in your winter coat, half-zipped. There was a lot less stress in your shoulders than he normally saw at the shop, especially as your thoughts were so far away.

He wanted nothing more than to commit the contours and shadows of your face in the white moonlight to memory, never forgotten in the blissful cold. 

 You interrupted his thoughts so beautifully.

 “Thanks for talking to me.” You took a sip from your bottle just after speaking, half-drowning your words, but Keigo caught each one. “I appreciate you.” 

“P-pardon?” Keigo couldn’t tell if you caught his stutter, but even if you did, you didn’t show it. The comment felt like a jab to his jaw, half-knocking the wind of him and turning him into a filthy masochist. He’d take any whiplash if it meant you saying such kindnesses to him. 

How could you just say shit like that?

What exactly did you mean by that?

Why did your attention make his legs tremble?

You turned your attention from the night sky to Hawks, something like uncertainty bubbling in your chest, “I appreciate you, ya’ know? Coming by the tea shop still, teasing each other and shit, you humoring me—”

Hawks interrupted you, feathers tensing at his back.

“I’m not humoring you.” Hawks deadpanned, staring at you oddly seriously. The yolks of his eyes seemed even more intense in the neon and night light. 

“You’re... not?” 

There was utter disbelief in your voice, accented by the way your jaw was half-opened.

Hawks shook his head, standing in emphasis, feathers fluttering as he did, “ No, angel. Not at all. I visit because...”

I like you.

“Because I like your drinks.”

  Because you make me feel good in a way I’ve never felt.

“You’re fun to talk to, too. Added perk.”

  Because I want to hear your voice when I breathe and when I die. 

“I enjoy it, you know? You're fun.”

 Some feeling in your chest, something full of hope, crushed itself and compacted to the point of pain. You sniffled at his admission, blaming it on the cold. In a fucked up, sad way, part of you was so relieved. 

He likes the shop. He likes your drinks. 

He’s around because he wants to be. 

But not because you’re special to him. 

 His words reminded you of your insignificance in Hawks’s life. No matter how much you craved his attention and words, and more recently found yourself staring at the plumpness of his lips and the curve of his cupids bow and daydreaming about how much you wanted to lean over the tea shop's counter and kiss the constant, teasing smile off his face—

But.

You don’t matter that much to him.

Sure, he likes you, but he’ll never feel the same way about you. 

 You made the decision then to make the most out of Hawk’s affections and sweet words. You’d take what you could get, even if it was fleeting and probably  eventually heartbreaking. It seemed smart, to refuse to get your hopes up for someone so unattainable.

 You let out a shaking sigh, “Thank you, Hawks. I appreciate you coming around. You really light up my day.”

 Keigo saw the fall of your face and bottled himself up. Shoved down everything. Fuck his feeling, fuck how he felt about you, this was all fucking terrifying. It was getting to be too much and he had to try and control himself.

Just like he’d been taught so well.

He was just so happy to be around you. He could squash his feelings, even if they were fairly obviously somewhat mutual. God knows that he didn’t know how to handle anything like that.

On the gods, his pager beeped.

 “Duty calls?” You said, standing up yourself and brushing off the stray snowflakes. 

“Seems so.” Hawks sighed, nodding, “Thanks for letting me rest here. It was good to see you, (Y/N). I’ll see you soon, okay?”

You waved goodbye as Hawks disappeared as quickly as he came, launching himself from the roof with the heavy sound of wing beats. 

Soaring away, Keigo risked a final look at you. He swore he saw tears in your eyes.

He forcibly repressed his feelings, reminding himself that your company, words, and quirk-made beverages were more than enough. The flutter in his chest when he thought of you wouldn’t rest, but he could learn to ignore it. 

 On the roof of your apartment, you felt fatigue in your bones and wetness on your cheeks. You ignored both in favor of smoking another cigarette, soft, melancholy music being your only constant, reliable companion. 

You reminded yourself that he, Hawks, was a temporary fixture, more flighty than most and liked you just enough and for surface-level reasons. You could take that. You’d do anything to be around him more, even if it never amounted to anything. 

You, just as Keigo did, pressed down any larger feelings.

 (The thing about feelings, though, that neither of you was very good at remembering, was that they don’t go away. Sure, you can let them go, but that takes time or a practiced mind!)

(When you take feelings, big, aching, soaking feelings and shove them down into the deepest parts of you, they just tend to make you bleed. The ‘hidden’ feelings color your blood as it spills, even if you don’t notice when it falls and its change in hue.)

(One can only hope that both Keigo and you listened instead of lied.)

 Both of your hearts ached, and neither of you fully understood why.