#i guess we all need therapy
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And if I'm gonna be drunk I might as well be drunk in love
– tiva based on songs (3/?)
#ncis#tiva#ncis tiva#tony x ziva#tony dinozzo#ziva david#anthony dinozzo#cote de pablo#michael weatherly#i guess we all need therapy#tiva based on songs#my edit#again i neglected my college projects for this i'm sorry
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#made it back to school last night from my childhood hometown in NC#i feel so strange... i got there on thursday afternoon and came back yesterday but i feel like that weekend lasted a month#i think i am in shock still.. the area i grew up in is so utterly and completely devastated i can hardly comprehend it#not to mention the surrounding states...#and even though we were just trying to survive while i was there and it was so so scary .. it was only temporary for me#i get to go home to my cushy apartment with running water and electricity while some of my closest friends and family are wondering#if they can get enough water#and so many have lost their livelihoods or even their lives#some of them have gotten water and power back but others are still stuck. and i feel like i am still there even though im not.#its like this weird anxious guilty numbness feeling that wont go away and gets worse whenever i turn on lights or see a case of water.#i dont live there anymore but I am so emotionally tied to that area ... and i was there for the storm and saw the aftermath#but its not actually my home so i feel like... i dont know what I feel actually.#but i dont feel good#and then i feel guilty for feeling bad too!! like I dont deserve to be upset or traumatized?? maybe i should go to therapy again...#idk if any of this even makes sense... and i dont mean to be all me me me during all of this. i guess I am just tired and need to vent a bi#anyway please please pray for the people affected by the hurricane. and if you can donate that would be so so wonderful.#it seems like it will be years for the area to fully recover. if it ever even does.#if youve read this far you have my apologies for my word slop... heres a heart for you 🩷 and a caterpillar 🐛 i think i need to go to bed#i have class and rehearsal tomorrow. even though all of that just seems kind of pointless to me right now#but maybe more sleep will help...#my post
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Mel for the unhinged character bingo!
yessss YEEEESSSSSSSSS
#ask me#so Mel is in the unenviable position of being a very strong character whose rights I support and whose wrongs I also fully support#BUT the way she's treated broadly in the fandom is so pervasive and so consistent and so frustrating to me that#I am in full -must protect my blorbo- mode with her at all times#-Mel's story is over so the only thing left for her to do is die-#-if Mel dies then J can get together with V and they will appreciate her for her sacrifice bc she died a hero who rejected Ambessa-#enough! enough I say!#what about proving to ambessa that she can take the throne for herself? what about the angst of defying her mother and her home country#and opposing those in Piltover who DO want war and want to raze the undercity#what about the magic that she's heavily foreshadowed to have and how it's different from hextech#and how it directly opposes but also parallels what is happening to Viktor#what about her -friends- abroad and the plot Mel was cooking through all of season 1 that has not been revealed yet#there's so much potential for her to have to confront the fact that J was slowly becoming a monster through season 1#and that she can't ignore the undercity forever#also what if whoever Ambessa says killed her brother comes after Mel too!#it is very frustrating to see Mel get dismissed as dead or evil or irredeemable or whatever when she is consistently#the most interesting person in the room in every single scene she's in and the character who shows the most conviction and change#so yeah i will take a bullet for her she is my blorbo I will despise any character who hurts her#and I would cradle her in my arms if she gave me a chance - which she would never! - but a girl can dream#however I also enjoy leaning into the idea that Mel is perceived as being a devil from the outside - Mel leans into it too when it serves#but it's in direct opposition to her ironclad values and the personality that she keeps hidden a layer down#I genuinely think that Mel will have a happy ending - or at least as happy an ending that an Arcane character can get lol#like I fully believe she will take the throne (Piltover) in the end but I can only guess at this point what that will cost her#I love putting Mel in situations but mainly to play with both how creative she can get and also how fucking far she will go to win#which is ANOTHER thing we know is probably true about Mel but has not been put on display yet#also Mel has already done a great job at separating what she wants for herself as a person from just being Ambessa's daughter#but Mel still deserves to get plenty of great therapy for that situation because OH GOD THAT CHILDHOOD FLASHBACK#also Kino is dead? maybe dead?? at least Mel fully believes he's dead so she needs therapy and hugs for that too#I am super normal about her can you tell
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real life drama moment eye roll sams apparently struggling bc he wants to move out and is touring this building hes been eyeing but his roommates dont want him to but also apparently theres beef and he just 'doesnt want to be friends with those people anymore' and he was really vague about what that was all abt and his friend group and who he wanted to even still talk to. and well. not my circus not my monkeys....... but im gonna go ahead and keep my feet in two lanes here does that make me a shady bitch. girl i literally dk any details and thats fine but like. idk whatever..
#personally me and ur roommate r fine so gonna just chill there and also thank my fellow dyke they went on a trip with#just for being a lesbian hashtag dyke swag (we met once and high fived over this)#again not my business but all i know is that apparently some of them planned trips even to where hes from over break and didnt talk to him#abt it. and i was like well did any of you just talk about spring break at all and he was like no. so. okay.. and then he talked vaguely ab#doing so much for them to try and make them like him again and i was just like well once again#did anybody in this friend group ever just like have a direct conversation about anything ever. lowkey. i said it nicer than that#and the answer is pretty much no#like ok blames not fully on u ig but if we had unspoken beef and u were adjacently doing nice things idk that id. recognize that..?#esp just with. the busy-ness of sams life. not trying 2 be callous#idk in general that group just needs to fall apart once again why have u known each other since freshman year#go to like. therapy. also. ok im sorry to be bitching abt somebody thats kind of my friend i dont like feeling like a two faced bitch#thats the gemini in me i guess. ahaha everyone laugh. but whatever this is tumblr dot com. also like the fact that he approached this with#ugh.... im feeling Complex emotions... and i dont like it... :(. im gonna keep it real idk that thats very complex#ur just gonna have to talk to them. a general them. whoever. 'well whats the end goal of that' idk dude u have to figure that out hello#abby talks
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fuck, I hate telehealth, but ya know, I think I’d actually like it if it was in minecraft instead of a video call. Let’s do therapy in roblox or something.
#having a relationship with your therapist is unethical… but what about running a dungeon together in world of warcraft??#today we’re going to talk about my abandonment issues while we build a mountain base in minecraft together#shit… I was just joking but this is actually sounding kinda rad#but wowwee do I hate telehealth#I hate professional video calls#I always feel like I’m saying the wrong things or I’m not talking enough#my last psych appointment was telehealth and it suuuuuuucked#oh man I don’t even know if I ever posted about this#it just felt so awkward and I was always worried someone could hear me on the call through the apartment walls#and he was like basically ‘just try to think positive’#fuck you fuck you fuck you and also think about my butthole and fuck you#thanks for the meds but never say that shit to me again#like… my therapist is a cool guy. I ‘love him. or as much as you can love your doctor in a distant platonic way#he’s always so cool about ‘yeah your chemicals are all messed up’ and he’s doesn’t shut me down at least not without actually understanding#but my psych who works in the same office does telehealth and seems very distant and not great at talking about deeper issues#which is fine. really. I just needed a doc who’d give me a fair shake and help me with the medication side#but I have to do telehealth for him and it feels so awkward and shallow#can’t we just do a 5 minute phone call? ‘hello. can we up the dose of my meds? yes? okay thank you.’#I see you typing on your computer a lot. I’m not saying anything interesting. if you’re on neopets just say so#anyway I only thought about this bc I guess I COULD do telehealth therapy today or something#but like I said. telehealth feels awkward and I wouldn’t be able to open up over it#it’s cool tho for like… I dunno. people who can’t go in person or need quick visits or whatever#I’m not saying it’s not useful or a viable option. I personally just hate phone calls and video calls.#and I love video games bro 😎#and I love you#goodbye forever#text
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Epic win 4 me got my psych to increase the med that does work and start tapering off the one that doesnt do jack shit
#me several months ago: i think i need a higher dose of x#psych: before we do that lets try u taking x with y! they work well together!#me: ...ok i guess#y has like REAL scary potential side effects too lmao bye bitch#anyways. x my beloved. drug of all time#bel speaks#thank u melanie. AND she didnt even get on my ass about therapy this time. god bless
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masha broke a bowl by accident in the kitchen and when i brought her the broom and dustpan and asked her if she was okay, she looked at me, straight-faced, and said, "no, i'm not okay." and then i realized she meant that she still feels emotionally abused by the house somehow, and i felt a flash of anger because i am so sick of her shit, and i rephrased, "are you physically injured?" and she gave me another look and said "i'm physically okay." and then when connie asked from her room "what's going on?" masha replied "nothing new." like fuck off ohhhhhhhh my god
#p#i'm actually sick of making room for people like this#it's not me being kind or understanding. it's me being a doormat and driving myself crazy for not making everyone happy 24/7#would masha feel better if i continually approached her and invited her to things and forgave her every time she acted like this?#yeah she would. and i can imagine the emotional place she's in right now is a terrible one and i empathize#which is why i feel guilty for being too tired to do the above. but also? but ALSO???#in her head she will always be the victim. everything we do she will always interpret in bad faith; choose the most unkind interpretation#it's gabe all over again. they live in an alternate reality from me and from the rest of the house and it is impossible to reconcile the tw#and i get this feeling of anger and a part of me thinks of it as me 'letting myself be a bitch' but it's not actually that#it's literally self-respect. it's me being so burnt out that i don't have the energy to pretend this is somehow my problem#the whole meme of 'aren't you tired of being nice. don't you wanna go apeshit' that's about being inauthentic not abt being nice#sure authentic/inauthentic is a loaded therapy term now but it's just accurate. i should be able to NOT do things if i'm not moved to#i don't feel like talking to her. i don't feel like inviting her to things. i don't feel like giving an apology for an imaginary wrong#she can hate me for the rest of time. she can be miserable for the rest of the year while she stays here. i don't fucking care#she is making herself miserable. it is absolutely 100% on her. in any way that matters it is up to her to fix her own shit#i am so sick of this idea that somehow through the healing power of kindness and friendship everyone can be lifted up#because actually some people refuse to be helped. and it is so hard for me to reconcile this with my worldview#but it's been proven to me over and over again that this is the truth.#i guess it doesn't necessarily apply to material realities but i think it does for emotional ones#but even that division between the material and the social/emotional feels false to me. they're always related#maybe the actual lesson is that you as an individual and sometimes even as a community#have limited resources. and while the world's ills could theoretically be solved with infinite generosity and kindness#you cannot singlehandedly make that happen.#and also if the other party isn't receptive there's only so much you can do.#god i've written like a fucking essay trying to justify to myself why i'm angry at masha bc i want to be validated for it#even though i know by now that i actually don't need to explain myself to anyone -- even to myself
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one very good thing about Knowing Bugs that I hope to impart on people who are Afraid Of Bugs (that's okay!) even just a little bit is that once you get to Know bugs, you can feel something crawling around on your leg at night in your dark bedroom and when you turn on your light to look at it you can assess that hey. This Particular Guy is harmless and fine. and instead of feeling scared you can make that assessment and brush him off or put him outside or whatever feels comfortable to do and just go back to whatever chill thing you were doing! because hey you've Noticed and Observed enough bugs now to differentiate the ones that might be dangerous* from the ones that are largely neutral to you! and it's nice to have that knowledge because it helps you feel more secure in your environment (a home is an environment too!) and more comfortable and less scared, and it's always nice to be Less Scared I think <3
*disclaimer: even "dangerous" bugs are inherently valuable and worthy of their own buggy life opportunities, and with time you can learn to be very relaxed around them too! but at the same time if there is a tick crawling up your leg at night unfortunately you do have to recognize that and remove it :/
#anyway i guess I'm just thinking about how Knowing Bugs really requires a sort of exposure therapy. particularly for certain cultures.#(often western)#because being afraid of bugs is very much a cultural thing :( though it reasonably has it's evolutionary basis!#but millenia ago we were more immersed in our organic surroundings and the knowledge we relied on for survival included differeniating the#Dangerous To Us bugs from the Neutral To Us bugs from the Delicious To Eat or Beneficial To Us bugs! and we have distanced ourselves#from that knowledge in some cultures. and therefore we adopted the tendency to lump ALL BUGS into Dangerous!!! which makes them scary :/#but it can be unlearned!#i was afraid of small spiders (but not big ones haha!) and plenty of other bugs as a kid#but luckily i had a handful of good role models (shoutout to early 2000s Animal Planet lol....) and the opportunity to learn entomology#in college!!!#and now bugs are one of life's endless little gifts. they're always around anywhere you look and sometimes that has been very grounding#for me; and sometimes it's been the only positive thing i can recognize out of a shitty day or a bad season of emotions#so big love to the bugs of the world i guess!!#as a side note i really hope i can take that same exposure therapy outlook to some other things in my life. cuz boy do i fuckin need it :/#bugs#insects#entomology#arachnophobia#entomophobia
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on one hand I am very glad that ketamine therapy has been helpful for my severe depression and anxiety and ptsd and whatever else is going on up there, and I’m grateful that it’s available to me as part of my treatment plan
on the other hand I’m not a huge fan of the payment for that help being a 50/50 chance every time of having a bad trip that unlocks some deep scary part of my psyche and then having to address all of that in therapy until the next trip
#starlight personal#ketamine has saved my life and also scares the fuck out of me tbh#like I went into this trip being all ‘love and kindness gotta be nice to myself’ and it went ‘yes BUT -‘#and shoved me off a cliff into years and years of repressed existential anxiety and reminded me that I’ve had that since I was Very Small#bro please I just want to not off myself I don’t need to be unpacking deep childhood trauma rn I’m trying to buy a house#how am I supposed to buy a house when I now have to grapple with Deep Pain being brought to light#I was going to talk about house anxiety in therapy this week but that has now been derailed for -#I Am Terrified of the Universe and Always Have Been and Do Not Know How to Cope With This When It’s Not Repressed#and I do truly believe if it came up in treatment that it means it’s time to deal with it and learn to handle it#but like…….. I would’ve liked to be asked#not just thrown into the scariest psychedelic trip of my life and then left to pick up the pieces#anyway this is all to say that I’m once again cursing my genetics for not letting SSRIs work and leaving me with psychedelic woo-woo shit#like what do you mean I can’t take a pill and ignore some of this deeper shit what do you MEAN I have to face it#ketamine is very I Will Shine a Light on the Things You Have Hidden Whether You like It Or Not For Your Own Good#thank you I guess but right now I’m a bit grumpy about it#on the brightside I am hopefully going to be less depressed for the next two months until it wears off again so we love that!!!#hahahaaaaaaaaaa it’s fine we’ll be fine this will be good for me in the long run#what’s peace like I wonder I’ve certainly never known it
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I have a lot of religious guilt around being angry, especially being angry at someone, and it's so funny talking about it with my therapist because I'll admit something like "I feel like Im in a constant low level state of resentment" or that Im thinking something slightly harsh about a person and my therapist will be sitting in his seat like
#I had a therapy rupture with him a few months ago and apparently Im not all that great at hiding extreme anger he just didn't say anything#cause we were working thru it#and now Im like 'well shit Im like sitting over here telepathically blowing u up with my mind so I guess that makes sense'#Cause Im still stuck in the 'thought life' mindset of my thoughts affecting other people besides me#and I'll get self destructive in a 'well if I self destruct you HAVE to help me then'#type of way that I know is unhealthy but I don't usually act on it. it's more just the impulse/urge#but it all stems from the idea that suffering is holy somehow#and if I suffer enough then I'll get somewhere#basically a speed run to empathy cause I didn't get care otherwise because I just needed to pray more or whatever#and now I'm learning to just let my emotions pass thru#hopefully not like diarrhea but unfortunately constipation can cause diarrhea#so ig I'll figure out my anger soon and how to let it just pass thru#its just so funny watching him get excited about me being openly angry cause that's progress#me: 'biting and biting and biting and biting and biting'#therapist: 'this is good. this is progress great job <3'#ex christian#religious trauma
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It’s been two days since the premiere of 6B and 911 is STILL in the top trending here and Buck is STILL a trending topic on Twitter.
THE COLLECTIVE TRAUMA IS REAL.
#911#911 fox#911 on fox#911 6b#911 in a flash#evan buckley#911 buck#like for real#911 was in the top two trending the day after#and it just dropped to number 7 just now#and on the twitter side of things#buck is still a trending topic#and then when you click it it's mainly the buddie of it all#and if it's not buddie it's the still with buck and chris#like damn#I thought we were prepared for coma!buck to come through#but im guessing seeing it actually happen has put us in shock#like do we need therapy#i know i do#like yesterday morning I literally watched the clip of when buck got struck just to relive Eddie screaming for him#like a girl is shooketh#I couldn't even talk after the episode ended#hell my mom doesn't even watch 911 like that but she watched the scene with me and she was shook too#and the last time she was like that was when she watched Eddie get shot for the first time#I mean I want next week to come already#but at the same time I really don't#help me
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…
#been really struggling lately because idk I guess now that I’m in therapy#I’m thinking extra about all the things that have made me this specific fucked up#and it really just boils down to feeling unwanted#I wasn’t supposed to be born my grandma told my mom to abort me#I spent my entire childhood hearing my mom say that she’s not parent material but I insisted on being born#like putting the responsibility on me even tho it was her choice???#and then they idk just didn’t take care of me good#like I had to have my teeth taken out at 17 because they were literally rotting out of my head and like coming out in chunks into#my food while I was eating#and when I finally got to the emergency dentist I had to pay for it#and I’m broke but I don’t want this job I just started I’m so scared#but we need money#I just feel like I can’t do it anymore I just want someone to take care of me#I want my life to mean something to someone#I can’t type what she said somewhat recently because I alresdy cried about it yesterday#but idk I just feel like dog shit and I can’t reach out to any of my friends because they’re all busy rn#but it’s been really really bad lately I won’t lie I don’t feel like I can keep going anymore
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so desperately need to know what the cornley characters were studying at the polytechnic. mischief please tell us.
#i am inflicted with a need to know everything possible about these characters#okay i’m gonna go through them and see what we know#and maybe make some guesses#so the courses we know!#we know trevor is studying engineering#max is studying human geography and crime#jonathan is studying pe#and annie is studying cognitive behavioural therapy and pottery#(is that the same course? or two different ones? i have no idea)#we also know that robert is working there as a caretaker#so presumably he doesn’t study there#and then assumptions#i would assume sandra is studying theatre/drama#since everything about her is how she loves performing and has been for a long time#i would have also assumed that chris would be#but it says that all of his acting and directing is self taught#which implies he’s studying something else#it says he likes writing#poetry and reading classic literature#so based off that#i’m gonna guess he’s an english major or something#idk where vanessa fits into the polytechnic so i’m just gonna leave her for now#and then the real enigma. dennis tyde.#what the hell is he studying#what course is he taking#feel free to tell me your ideas#bc honestly idk
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#what do you do when you've done all the therapy things and you still can't suppress the urge to straight up quit your job#HONESTLY??#what do you do#like babe we can't DO that we need MONEY#and do not come to my inbox with oh get a new job#guess what I just up and did 3 months ago babe#and we are still here#there are still emails#there are still meetings#I am still looking soulless beings in the eye as they tell me they love working here#how the fuck do you honestly do that I am being dead serious#there are real and actual people on this earth and they LOVE their little emails and their little meetings#as well as their inoffensively navy business attire#I can't do it I cannot DO IT mate#I am capable of it but I am dying inside#is this how they got soulless???#like I am not asking for much I am just asking for a job I enjoy#ok to reply
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for once I would like to be struggling academically bc my brain actually struggles to comprehend the material and not bc I have some dumb*ss sh*t going on in my personal life
#I got club stuff eating all my time#had to become the RA at my dorm#all my friends dropped out of my program so all those relationships are evolving#one of my best friends for the past two years is acting badly and I may have to stop being his friend#have to address some long standing medical issues#ofc my family issues have not gotten better at all#need to start therapy again and ik my therapist and I don't click but hey she's covered by insurance and I'm tired of looking#stupid beginning of the year bureaucracy to deal with#ppl at my dorm went to a big party and now everyone is slowly getting sick#president of my club is assigning me more work and the only solution is to tell her to do it instead but then SHE will have too much work#so I guess we both gotta suffer#plus I gotta lead my own team this year and get back to some assignments I told them to do#missed my German class 2 weeks in a row and have my first class tomorrow REALLY BEHIND bc I haven't studied German since May#also haven't been keeping up with French#and I really gotta do well academically this year#and probably find a job#and go to the gym#and not end up in the hospital again#university shenanigans#original post
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I did not know the thing that was going to make me burst into tears was going to be the 0.3 seconds scene of Roy sitting in Dr Sharon's office
#that and him wanting to join the diamond dogs#guess even if I relate to Nate the most Roy's walls also hit close to home#I need all the fics about him going to therapy now#I do wish we got to understand more of why Roy is so stuck in his own ways on screen#Brett mentioned in an interview how they thought of Roy as someone who did not think past the end of his career and that he was pretty much#going to kill himself after it and he had no plans#wanna know more about his childhood his family etc#I need a spin off on the Kents#ted lasso spoilers#ted lasso finale#roy kent
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