#i guess ill see how i feel tomorrow
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going to watch alien: romulus tomorrow (or possibly the next day) all by myself !!!!!
#now I just have to figure out if i want to go to the local theatre or the one further away with the fancier tech lol#i think ill probably do the local one bc its closer and i have a free ticket anyway#and maybe ill go to the bookstore afterwards.....hmmm#ive never been to the movies by myself#im not scared but i AM scared someone i know will be there and then be like ''haha. where's all your friends dipshit''#i could probably rope someone else into going with me but i really like the alien movies and i want to watch it alone first#because if they don't like it it'll really spoil the whole thing for me#UGH BUT IM MORE COMFORTABLE AT THE BIG THEATER FARTHER AWAY idk man#i guess ill see how i feel tomorrow
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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I have been trying to create a steam account for like 15 minutes but they won't let me past the "Are you a robot" test. Does the square count if there's a corner of the bus in it??? Do tires count as motorcycles or not???? I swear to god there was a crosswalk in the back of that photo how did I get it wrong???? Please I am not a robot I swear to god please I'm begging you I just want to download my gay little games please
#this is like middle school math class all over again i am losing my MIND#its still not working#i get it all right and it tells me i failed the test#i am going to rip my hair out help 🙂#i literally give up i guess ill just have to try tomorrow and see if the not-a-robot gods are smiling upon me#enter 'what if i really was a robot and i just didnt know it' loki quote#thats how i fucking feel#got me questioning what a motercycle is please-#personal#random
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Too bad one thing to help you in Big Scary Exam is a good night's rest, yet a good night's rest is all no no because Big Scary Exam tomorrow.
#like ive taken a bazillion exams#what makes this one different#if only the fact there are going to be three professors and one me#and they said its going to be more like a discussion rather than like. me. reciting textbook or whatever.#man. i will see how ill do tomorrow. i just hope i dont disappoint my three profs#like i know my advisor for 6 years now like. shes my academic mom. i cant didappoint her.#and the 2 other profs i know for 3 years. they think im smart. guess theyll see tomorrow 🥲#before every exam i feel like a fraud who doesnt know anything#but i also know im pretth okay. like i know stuff.#but what if i dont#you know
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stream tomorrow. ~3pm est. this fuckin site. if i dont get hit by a car by then.
#snap chats#ill make another reminder post an hour before the stream tomorrow dont worry#yes this is related yes this is also so i can be angry FUCK#imagine being an american and waking up and reading the news and wanting to light everything on fire#anyways. before i bring politics into my funny sideblog.#ive been shirking /drafting/ a comic all week cause i keep getting distracted And Brother I Feel Another Impulsive Idea Enter The Dome#ok im lying its another idea ive had cooking in the back ever since i made my initial tattoo post but it's a short silly comic#so i think i can get the one day Relatively quickly#BUUUUT the main monster i wanna do.... idk what ive been shirking it it SHOULDNT be terribly long#it SHOULD be pretty simple and just me being Smart and Funny right and yet... brain broken.#i dont know if i want to make it especially long or keep it short and sweet...#SOOOO this all relates back to Stream Tomorrow because i wanna have it at least DRAFTED in my head by then#not another accountability stream... uh oh...#i vow to be less annoying this time around i looked in the mirror and reviewed myself and said 'bitch shut up you fidgety bastard'#so HOPEFULLY i'll be less erratic#in any case. off to do that mini comic. i guess it's more of a warm up in my book#bye bye ill see yall in five. hours.#cause apparently thats how long it takes me to COLOR SHIT god forbid sketching and lining and kms#ok bye fr stay sexy
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#ooouuuugghhhhhhh ive spend the last hour making myself sad :(#whyd i have to go catch feelings for someone who Could Not Give A Shit lol#its a blessing that im moving or i would probably just slowly kill myself for the next year#watching him Very Obviously like someone more than me lol#worst part is everyone knows im just some sadsack sidepiece#and like we were never 'together' so idk wtf im upset about!!!#i could go out and do just as much as he does!!!#but i guess i just wish it had been different and that i had gotten closer w everyone else before i had to leave :(#because now i really feel like i could have been spending way more time w everyone if i had stopped waiting for him to invite me to things#he never invited me to shit anyways!! i was ALWAYS the one to ask 'hey are you free sometime'#EVERY SINGLE TIME#killing him with hammers in my mind#i deserve so much better and i KNOW that but hes hot and smart and has such cool friends#and i just really wanted to be part of that group so badly#and i dont have any relationship expirience i dont know how all of this is supposed to Work i just#i dont know i guess i thought it would be different#anyways im seeing him again tomorrow for what might be the last time#and i wont tell him any of the things i should bc ill see his stupid beautiful face and forget everything i wanted to say#you know this mother fucker wont even help me move? more than an entire year together and he flat out says no to helping me#and i know for a Fact he'll never come visit me#and ill probably drive my stupid little ass down two+ hours just to see him#you know hes got at least two guys willing to drive hours just for him#i need to meet this other guy so we can unionize#cus i guarenteeeee hes probably treating this guy not much better than me#and i say probably the last time bc now itll be reliant on him actually making a fucking effort to see me lol#or itll just be at shows and stuff#not like itll make a big difference cus we onky saw each other once or twice a month ANYWAYS#actually makes me so angry why did i spend so much mental energy on this guy#ILL FIND SOMEONE IN ALBANY WHO ACTUALLY FUCKING LIKES ME JUST YOU GUYS WAIT#btw if i know you irl... ignore this... its shameful...
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a) im on vacation b) haven’t seen sonic prime yet but very much expecting to have Opinions. infinitely annoyed we have been deprived of Rouge Universe (afaik :[) c) saw cool archaeology :] :] and they have an even cooler youtube channel!!!!!!!!!!! d) i miss him :[
#yea that’s the same photo#waves. see y’all soon tomorrows a travel day so maybe ill catch up#the three Takes i’ve seen about prime 1b are newbies being excited. mutuals (misc. former sonic flavor) being annoyed about the metal??? :(#and then mutauls (knuckles flavor) being obsessed with how terrible dread is. very torn on how to feel but looking forward i guess???#i do in fact enjoy having Opinions
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things have been scary n hard n a lot but i do feel good sometimes..theres good things too they might not seem like big things or as meaningful but it still matters n makes a difference! things might get scarier n harder etc overall n probs will at least sometimes.. even when it feels like things shld be easy theyre usually not but im trying ! n thats smth i suppose
#p#work was so bad today had to socialize w family which went ok but not ideal situation for me after#might see a friend tomorrow n walk my dog n thats makin me anxious for a few reasons but mostly cuz idk how to talk to my friends anymore#for reasons that arent even only just me being a freak#the next day im having cavities fixed n itll take hrs#i rly to set up a dr appointment n its been ages cuz even for a normal appointment its v stressful n scary n bad for me#for a variety of reasons but i also just fuckin hate it#n this is cuz i think there coulddd be smth more serious goin on that ive been trying to ignore n avoid bringing up#cuz what if it is actually smth#n i cant even go on abt that rn (tired) but ive been..thinkin abt it#aaaand i need to try n get an appointment w a psychiatrist so i can maybe get back on meds again cuz i think itd be a good idea#like i think on em i didnt think they made a big difference but i feel like im way worse now off em so#n i hope i dont have to go thru the regular dr abt that cuz i got my refills thru them but i guess ill be seein her anyway n overwhelmed!!!#oh n the friend thing is scary cuz my lil group is all broken up now n i feel like im choosing sides when i hang out w some of em now#which sucks so thats the main thing abt that. ok enough bye <3#idk what the original post not the tags even meant im tryin to be . positive! or smth jeez :/#dlt ltr !
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not good today
#nick and i met at a coffee shop to go over some figures for who is going to get what amount of money#and i brought up how he doesnt even seem to want to be around henry anymore#and we agree its better for henry to just be with me all the time and if i need help once in a while i can ask nick to take him#but he was telling me how hard it was to be around henry#...????#as if it's not hard for me???#those first few days after we broke up i cried every time i looked at henry#and im still the one who has to go back to the same house and be reminded that its not our anymore#so fuck you and your feelings#ugh#we're going to talk more tomorrow i guess#i told him i definitely want henry all the time because after the couple of times ill need him to help out next month#i dont want to see or talk to him#and ofc i started crying in the coffee shop#and then i cried in my office#i hate it here
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finished my final paper wooo
#lee’s bullshit#now all i have left to do really is study for The Test. im Scared for that tho fr .#like i can identify an arch !! a cable structure even !! but please please dont make me do physics on the spot [redacted] please -#scary stuff out here. have i started studying yet no absolutely not . will i also probably no not until tomorrow. <3#anyway. going to have dinner now i guess. what i rly want is ice cream but ive started to realize how much i crave sugar constantly#and thats like. a bit Bad. howeevr what can a girl really do.#maybe i pull a Summer of 2023 and quit cold turkey and just change my whole diet again. that went moderately well last time tbh.#(quitting gluten fully has made me incredbily senstitive to it now however i do also feel so much better generally. yay !)#anyway im still yapping i need to go. maybe ill have ice cream after all i deserve it <- holding onto shred of sanity.#mayhaps its a bit of that tism in me but i have thus far been generally unfazed by the break up which is probably worrying.#but also like . Ive seen this coming for months ive had time 2x to come to peace w all of it. it j wasnt happening anymore and thats fine !#but it will no doubt be a ???? moment to anyone else when i talk abt it w a relatively straight face.like maybe ill break down but i doubti#its kinda always been like this tho so interesting to see it seems to be similar w friendships and relationships. ig that makes sense.
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ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(
#its not the end of the world like theyre not artists i LOVE love just ones i know and like a few tracks of#last year i had so much fun bc one of the artists there was an all time fave of mine. but yeah im not missing out on that this year#but its still a shame. i miss living there and being able to walk to gigs to easily like the music scene was so up my street!!#and i was kind of looking forward to it. but i shouldve planned it further in advance if i was serious abt going#i just didnt think theyd BOTH play so late???? i swear they had an earlier schedule last year#i guess i could just go and mill around some of the shows earlier in the day even tho ive skimmed most of them on spotify and theyre-#not rly my thing. sigh#im v tired + starting to feel quite sad this evening for some specific reasons i dont really want to think much about bc it is what it is#so its hard to imagine going out and having fun tomorrow. maybe ill just aim to get my chores done instead and see how i feel after that#i might fix my bike up and check the other local climbing gym out bc i havent visited that one before and itd be nice to mix it up#and i need to go out on the bike at some point this weekend so i dont build up anxiety abt it after yesterdays crash. hmm#man. its hard trying to do things solely for my own enjoyment sometimes. im usually pretty ok at making myself do it#and im grateful that i am! but i think im just feeling quite lonely. and not in a way where being around other people rly helps#like its more of a core thing. i feel kind of unseen by people in my life at the moment and that makes me feel like im not quite real#and i dont really know what to do about that. i think its why im still on my discord hiatus i just dont really have anything to say rn#ive felt this intermittently throughout a lot my life i think. but most of the time i can distract myself from it enough not to notice it#and i put the effort in socially regardless + usually when im in the moment it doesnt matter. but the stretches inbetween those moments..#its not unbearable and i dont feel that depressed at the moment either. just a bit lost i guess. i know itll pass eventually#but yeah it just keeps nudging up against me bc im feeling every little misunderstanding and slight quite keenly atm#ahh.. well its okay. ive never really needed much anyway im good at taking care of myself and thats enough to get by#ill do something nice for myself this weekend one way or another. im gonna go take a long shower rn i think and then read a bit#ah and i said i didn't rly want to think about it! but i guess i did... well i feel like i exist a little more for typing it out anyway#okay yes shower time now :-)#.diaries#maybe someday ill have ppl in my everyday life who i do feel seen + safe around. a girl can dream.. i have a lot of work to do before then
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See...my shift is only five hours...I have three hours of sick time but if I supplement that sick time with vacation hours I'll still get paid for the whole shift but I'm not sure if it will still count my absence as excused and I can't find anywhere to check it because every fucking state has different rules and the reddit usually is helpful but everyone is saying different things lmao
#guess ill see how i feel tomorrow#i rly dont wanna walk to the transit station when its gonna be cold as balls and im getting sick#but i probably should just go to work
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...
#ay ay ay. now that the soul crushing project is done ive elected to spend the week managing data#which is decidedly more chill than what ive been doing for the last month but also isnt not doing anything and it isnt getting stuff done#for when i have to move. so thats annoying. and ive been drawing again at least but i can feel the escalation in my controlling behavior#so its now very frustrating trying to draw anything. coloring is gonna take a million years rip.#also suddenly everyone wants to b social rn? like tomorrow my boss is organizing a thing with an old lab mate and this weekend a#collaborator is having a retirement party. and next week my lab mates wanna do a trivia night. and i kno that i should go to these things.#and i will try but i really dont want to go to any of it. mostly for driving reasons but also im a husk of a person rn. but the more#devastating thing is that uh next week one of the kids i grew up with is getting married to a rich girl lol. and like we werent that close#bc i was and am such an asocial freak but after the wedding my parents r picking up their new camper and camping their way across the#country with my sisters. and im sure someone probably told me the dates of these things at some point but if u tell me dates i will#instantly forget them. so thats. ya kno. happening over basically the next 2 weeks while i have to kill myself over measurements for a#different study i dont care abt. and like. its fine. ill see them mid may for a different planned trip. it just makes me kinda sad#a product of living halfway across the country i guess. im just inherently more disconnected to everyone. i would suspect thsts semi#intentional subconsciously. u cant b upset abt not being able to connect with ppl if you create enough physical distance that u never see#them in the 1st place. u cant misunderstand me if i make myself absent and unknowable. idk. i was explaining to my mum that i didnt realize#the timeline and she was like. understandable whatever u wanna do! and idk y that upsets me so much. i guess its just that i dont want to b#doing this. its causing me pain but dont kno how to articulate it in a way that makes sense. whatever. my mouth hurts. my lips r so chapped#that the irritation is spread past my lip line. probably doesnt help thst i keep rubbing at it lol. anyway things r still annoying#less soul crushing thsn last week but still frustrating#unrelated
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Idk how to even talk to anyone anymore when it’s just the same thing in a loop over and over
#i cant tell anyone anything or ask for help cuz lets see what happens#i get hit with a generic ‘just keep going keep looking for jobs keep going’#or i get *too honest* and then ive completely drained someone of life cuz thats really all im capable of doing anymore it seems#like it seems all i do is go on some sorta monologue about how miserable i am which is pointless cuz its not like anyone will do anything#and its just stressing people out too cuz its like lol if youre helpless and have to listen to me bitch over and over to you#its either annoying as hell to hear or its guilt inducing and we cant have that now can we#and im quite frankly tired of all these options like lol the very few people i actually like and enjoy are just fuckin#nothing anymore cuz im ruining their lives and being an awful friend#its really great how youre supposed to confide in people when youre feeling like shit but then doing so ruins everything#lol what am i supposed to do now you know? i cant talk about anything except myself and my misery#and its a never ending cycle cuz im still here in this unsafe environment and im just so fucking sick#of people telling me to just keep going and keep looking for jobs cuz god bitch thats what ive been doing#and i have nothing yet and lets say i get a job tomorrow its probably gonna pay like shit#and im too incompetent to work 40 hours so if i wanna like ease myself slightly itd take even longer to have money#and its just gonna take forever to save money enough to leave and god I need out like right now#because im just gonna go insane and im gonna kill myself if im here any longer every second im here breathing#feels like im being strangled im becoming a monster too and the worst friend of all time and terribly selfish and whiny#lol i guess ive just got this dumb fantasy where ill be saved by someone who treats me nice and they take me away#and i dont have to wait or lift a damn finger i can just. be safe. and get a hug and not fear my life#im so lazy and worthless and horrible I really do just deserve to die#but i guess i cant say that. cuz then itll make everyone too drained lol
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no 1 i regularly chat with is on tumblr so im shouting at the wall here where im Not As Seen But Feel Someone Can Hear so I'm not talking to myself in a depression hole manner tjat is mildly even more depressing than screaming in a corner. Sorry im not sure what this is
#things are getting Worse again. tomorrow my family is going to gather in person and talk about whats going on.#about our house. family divorce. how to keep affording the house/food. confronting how my own worst pain was wielded#to make my mom cry and feel worse. everything. the clock is ticking closer to the end of the year and the nausea is coming back.#i refuse to go ask my doctor for medication because it's an additional price when we're pressed and it's more stress#when no one needs to see that. no one needs to panic. my grandma is already hospitalized. there is so much more going on i wont add to it#im so sick. i feel so small. i feel stupid like a child for wanting to beg things to be okay. beg people please be kinder#i hate this haughty disgust i feel for the idea of this stupid christmas tree being put up early because we desperately need something nice#i hate that i let myself enjoy a slice of cake when i dont deserve that and questioning if we should even be buying these stupid things#tryin so hard not to go back to calculating how much it costs my family to have me live if it would be easier if the expense werent there#i hate this stupid fucking fight in my honour and name that has only ever made me feel worse for being here#im so fucking tired. i want to cry. i dont have the right to. i worry my mom is where i was this year. i dont know.#i don't want to be here as in- in 2023 in this state of my family and our livelihood. everything just gets worse. i want to be alright...#sui ment#i guess. implied is enough. im ill.#stupid ass kid crying about his parents divorce. i feel like nothing
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look at me t.s.
Pairing | Thomas Shelby x Female reader
Summary | When Mrs. Shelby requests Tommy in the room with her for the birth of their first daughter everyone is shocked. Men aren't supposed to be in the room with their wives as they give birth, it's just not how it is supposed to be... well all men aren't Thomas Shelby.
Warnings | Mentions of childbirth, pain obviously she's literally giving birth, maybe ooc Tommy? idk. Reader is a little mean to her doctors but she's in pain cut her some slack. MDNI because I said so. Foul language.
Word Count | .06k
~This is loosely based off of the scene in Queen Charlotte when they won't let George into the room to see Charlotte. If you know what I'm talking about I love you~
All dialogue in italics is spoken in Romani.
"Mrs Shelby forgive me but husbands aren't usually in the room during the birth" The doctor spoke hesitantly as his eyes flicked nervously around the room.
Everyone seemed to speak hesitantly around her. I guess that was what you get when you become a Shelby. Everyone around you is constantly terrified to tell you no or disagree. It was like being royalty in a sort of fucked up way.
Polly Gray cut the doctor a look as she walked over to you and put a reassuring hand on your forehead.
"Polly please" you cried in pain "I need him here." Nothing from the old wive tales could compare to the pain you were feeling. You had been pushing for hours now with Polly at your side but nothing was working. Your daughter simply just would not budge. Polly had made the comment early on about her already showing traits from her father.
"I don't care what usually happens. If Tommy Shelby is not in this room in the next five minutes, I will personally end you." You spoke with a hiss pointing at the doctor.
You weren't usually this aggressive, but given the fact you were in pain and used to getting what you wanted all the time, the circumstances were different.
Polly sighed as she looked down at you and began to head out of the room.
"What's wrong, is she okay?" Tommy spoke immediately as Polly exited the doors of your room.
"She's requesting you Thomas" Polly spoke in Romani so as to not alert the other doctors of your request.
"She wants me in the room with her?" He spoke hesitantly as he looked towards the door.
Polly nodded and Tommy immediately started towards the door.
"I'm sorry Mr. Shelby but I cannot allow you to be in the room." The doctor outside of your door spoke as his eyes flicked down to the floor to avoid Tommy's sharp gaze.
"Tell me, doctor, do you like your job?" Tommy spoke with a raised brow as he waited for his response.
When he didn't reply Tommy bent down to reach his gaze "Hmm? I asked you a question doctor, do you like your job?"
"Yes. Yes I like my job" He murmured still avoiding the sharp blue eyes that were currently staring daggers at the man.
"Well if you intend on staying alive long enough to keep it, I suggest you move out of my way." Tommy stood up straight and tilted his head towards the door.
The doctor nodded and stepped aside, letting Tommy enter the room. "If I hear one more word from anyone about my presence in this room, I will have a peaky blinder on each and every one of your doorsteps first thing tomorrow morning" Tommy spoke before anyone could protest.
"Tommy" you gasped as you finally laid eyes on your husband. "I've been asking for you"
"I know, I know. But I'm here now eh? I'm here now." Tommy bent down to give your forehead a kiss as you winced.
"I cant do this Tommy" you cried "I want it to be over"
Tommy's heart broke at the sight of you. His wife. He wished he could just take all of your pain away and keep it for himself.
Tommy bent down to kneel at the side of your bed as he cradled your face in his hands.
"Look at me. Hey, Look at me, love." He spoke softly as you turned your head to gaze at him with teary eyes.
"You can do this. I know you can. You are the most headstrong women I know, and ill be damned if you give up now." You giggled at his lighthearted teasing and nodded.
"And you don't really have a choice love. This baby has got to come out in one way or another." He smirked at you as you rolled your eyes at your husband.
"Okay Mrs. Shelby its time to push" Your doctor spoke as Tommy placed a kiss on the hand he had ahold of and nodded at you.
"Let's meet our daughter Mrs. Shelby."
#thomas shelby#tommy shelby#peaky blinders#peaky blinder fanfic#cillian murphy x reader smut#cillian murphy#thomas shelby x reader#cillian murphy x reader#peaky blinder imagine
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