#i googled 'a three year old'. for this very important research.

[tetsuooooooooooo]

so like does Anybody know actually how old Muriel was when they sent him away cause of course im not gonna like the answer if it doesnt align with what i think already jgsfjtdg but like its gnawing at me im trying so hard to figure it out from just the writing and not looking for like bonus stuff n q&a n shit

like i keep wondering about his whole damn deal like a guy? brought him to vesuvia? and then what?? stayed with him for a bit then ditch him? if he was baby sized like i think like at most 3 ok thats not baby sized but fuckn you know did he like keep him until he could fend for himself in theory? did he sell him???? did mu run away for any reason??

liKE FUCKINGG Read this. read this again

like hes self aware? conscious? somewhat? entirely? how much should i take literally and how much as storytelling n exposition?

i dont have screens but in the uhh mural embroidery thing in his old house they did describe it like. lil packed up baby thing right? i am losing iq points vusibly as i am riting this i need the sleep but like it Sounded Baby Sized To ME🤨🤨🤨😤😤😤😤 like i imagined hed be sitting on it if he were bigger and able to like any other way but hes burritoed cause hes baBY lmao i dont know anymore hear me void

[autisticrosewilson]

thank u so much for defending Willis and Cathy. this fandom is so unbelievably stupid to think that Willis and Cathy are evil for bad retcons yet ignore the decades of Bruce abusing Jason. ur doing the lords work. thank u so much

Cathy and Willis are the loves of my life and it's absolutely diabolical what DC did to them, and the ridiculous stereotypes that this fandom continues to perpetuate really piss me off. Were they perfect parents? There's no such thing, especially living in a poverty in a place known for its oppressive systems and corruption. The tragedy of the Todd's, and Jason's character thesis, is that the love was there and it didn't change anything. There were too many forces against it but the love was there and that's important.

What has Bruce done for Jason besides actively make his life worse. Like yeah thanks for taking him in but you also basically made his position in your house synonymous with being Robin which directly led to his death and you've been nothing but terrible to him since so it basically cancels out. What's like, three years of financial security while experiencing insane amounts of trauma (Did anyone else read Batman: The Cult, Bruce is always talking about Jason being unstable but look at the fucking missions he was taking this 13-15 year old on) to literally the rest of his life after. You can argue it's better than homelessness, and I'd be inclined to agree with you if the version of homelessness that he often is portrayed in had any resemblance to what homelessness actually looks like in lots of cases.

And I know I know suspension of disbelief for the medium but I don't think that should be applied to things that are very easily researched. Like insanely easy to just Google. It's just laziness at that point and I'm not going to suspend my disbelief for a complete lack of effort. Suspension of disbelief only works for magic and gods and sci-fi fantasy nonsense, not something actual people experience that you are all more than capable of looking into before you write a stupid headcanon about Jason's time on the streets that tells me exactly what tax bracket you grew up in.

[and-then-there-were-n0ne]

Yesterday CNN published an article by senior writer Tara John about the UK National Health Service’s newly skeptical stance toward youth gender medicine. The main takeaway, which is big news to observers of this debate, is that the NHS will no longer provide puberty blockers to young people, other than in research contexts. (As for cross-sex hormones, a relatively strict-seeming regime is set to be implemented, and they will be offered to youth only “from around their 16th birthday.”)

As myself and a number of others pointed out, the article contains a sentence that is, in context, rather wild: John writes that “Gender-affirming care is medically necessary, evidence-based care that uses a multidisciplinary approach to help a person transition from their assigned gender — the one the person was designated at birth — to their affirmed gender — the gender by which one wants to be known.” But of course, whether youth gender medicine is medically necessary and evidence-based is exactly the thing being debated, and anyone who has been following this debate closely knows that every national health system that has examined this question closely, including the NHS, has come to the same conclusion: the evidence is paltry. That’s why so many countries, including Sweden, Finland, the UK, and Norway have significantly scaled back access to these treatments for youth. So it’s very strange to see this sentence, which reads as though it comes from an activist press release, published in a news article in CNN, an outlet that generally adheres to the old-school divide between news and opinion.

There’s a strong case to be made that CNN’s sentence, as written, is false. Gender medicine is at best unproven, when it comes to the standards society (and regulatory bodies) expects medical researchers to adhere to. The situation with youth gender medicine is particularly dicey, given that this is a newer area of medicine suffering from an even severer paucity of quality studies.

It would be bad enough for this sentence to have appeared in one article on one of the most important news websites in the world. But here’s the thing: this wasn’t the first time. Rather, this exact sentence, and close variants of it, has been copied and pasted into dozens of CNN.com stories over the last few years, as a Google search quickly reveals. 

This sentence, and its close variants, appear over and over and over. I asked my researcher to create a list of all the instances he could find. Here’s what he sent back, in reverse chronological order [...]

I haven’t triple-checked every single one of these, but it’s undeniable that effectively the same words have appeared in about three dozen CNN articles since May of 2022, which was already years after the present wave of European nations rethinking these treatments had begun. 

When I asked CNN about this, I heard back from someone there who explained on background that it’s standard for outlets to provide reporters with guidance about accurate and appropriate language. While that’s true, it doesn’t really answer my question. Sure, it’s not unusual for an outlet to have a house style, sometimes enshrined in a stylebook, that provides rules about how to refer to, for example, individuals in the United States who lack legal status. They used to be called “illegal immigrants,” and now they’re often called “undocumented immigrants,” or language to that effect. This is a fairly normal process by which language changes and, sometimes as a result of a push-pull between outlets and advocacy groups, outlets decide which changes to make and when. So you may or may not agree with the fact that many outlets have switched from “biological sex” to “sex assigned at birth” when discussing trans issues, but the underlying��process of switching from one phrase to another is standard and occurs in many areas. 

This is quite different. You do not generally see the same complex sentence pasted over and over and over into news stories written by different authors and published in different sections. I asked CNN if it could provide me any other examples of CNN.com publishing the same sentence in multiple stories by different authors, and posed the same question in an email to Virginia Moseley, the CNN executive editor who, according to the website, “oversee[s] international and domestic news operations across platforms.” I didn’t hear back about this.

This copy-paste job is journalistically problematic for a number of reasons. For one thing, it suggests that CNN has decided, at the editorial level, that its institutional stance is that youth gender medicine is “medically necessary” and “evidence-based.” While they’re being used somewhat colloquially in these articles, these terms have fairly specific definitions in certain medical and legal contexts, and treatments only qualify for such designations if they have exceeded a certain evidentiary benchmark based on solid published research. That is not the case here — far from it, actually. As written, this is a deeply misleading sentence.

The language also puts CNN writers in an awkward position. Does each and every bylined author of these stories believe that youth gender medicine is “medically necessary” and “evidence-based”? Maybe they do (which would be disturbing), but the fact is that they didn’t write these sentences — they, or one of their editors, grabbed that language from somewhere else and pasted it in. They are effectively outsourcing their own judgment on a hotly contested controversy to their employer. This is not what journalists are supposed to do, and, at the risk of repeating myself, it’s significantly different from a reporter rolling their eyes when using language like “undocumented immigrant” or “sex assigned at birth,” rather than their own preferred verbiage. Those are rather small-stakes linguistic quibbles, different not only in degree but in kind from the question of whether or not youth gender medicine is medically necessary and evidence-based. And it goes without saying that a CNN reporter who does develop doubts about youth gender medicine is likely to be deterred from investigating further by the fact that their bosses have already decided that this is the way they’re going to cover this subject — say the line, Bart. Why bother?

It’s a pattern, unfortunately. Many outlets dug themselves into a deep hole on this issue by simply acting as stenographers and megaphones for activist groups rather than doing their jobs. And now that there is ever-mounting evidence undercutting the loudest activist claims, climbing out of this hole is going to be awkward. But there’s no other option, really. Because right now there’s absolutely no reason to take CNN.com seriously on this issue — the site has proven, demonstrably, that it doesn’t take itself seriously on this issue. 

[badsalmonella]

SGATGK getting 'er done.👍

TLDR: some neato historical/fantasy drawing references, I like character design would be neat if someone paid me to do that someday, I have to trick myself into being motivated to finish anything like one tricks a dog into taking their meds by putting it in the wet food, tales passed down for centuries are cool.

Why did I do this? : Because I'm obsessed with art books and design bibles and it's what made me want to study animation in the first place. Portfolio pieces like this, this and this were always something I wanted to do, I think they are so inspiring.

Unfortunately you like have to put in a lot of effort to get something like this done, and as I have learned from a semi-failed attempt to do this with Hadestown it is very easy to get too precious about the art and restart 80 times and essentially never get anything done. I'm out here chanting "finished not perfect" to myself in the mirror like a mantra maybe one day it will seep into my bones and I will fully embrace it. Full disclosure, one of the circumstances that led to me actually finishing this is that I have way too much free time on my hands atm, like I don't think I would have gotten this done (or gotten it done in a timely manner) if I was also balancing full time work, but I was tryinggg to squeeze some lemons out of a less than ideal situation. Second thing, on top of trying to do this for 4 years with Hadestown, I alsooo initially tried to do this with the musical Camelot/ the Arthur/Lancelot/Guinevere love triangle part of the Arthurian legends but found I was once again too obsessed with the thing, and getting too precious about the art to get anything substantial done. I did get these Guinevere runaway bride drawings done though. Phillipa Soo high cheekbones Guinevere will always be important to me!!

So I switched gears and chose an Arthurian legend I liked well enough, but not so much I would sike myself out of getting it done and went with Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. It's also a story that adheres to a pretty traditional fable structure. A young guy goes on a quest, he experiences trials in threes, he comes back a little changed having learned a life lesson, etc. Also designing The Green Knight comes with a fun 'cool' factor that I like. The Arthurian discord server run by queer-ragnelle on tumblr is full of really nice, and wayyyy more knowledgeable people who pointed me in the direction of Simon Armitage's translations of the poem so that's what I read to get started. Another great resource I liked was Queer as Fact's podcast episode on the story. Something that I found really interesting was that they discussed Gawain's kissing game with the Bertilak's being something that brought on both queer positive and queerness as a sort of cautionary tale that was encouraged to be turned away from interpretations*. Interesting that you could take away two opposite readings from the same text, but also really framed the experience of staying with the Bertilaks as something that is otherworldly and treading into unknown territory for Gawain.

*I wanna add that 1. just because I acknowledge the two conflicting interpretations doesn't mean that I think one cancels out the other's validity 2. Just because I acknowledge it doesn't mean that it's one that I like or agree with. Obviously these stories are so old we can't ask the author what intent they were writing with so we'll never get 'the right answer', all we really have is interpretation. So like why not interpret something positive out of it, especially if you can back it up with the text.

I got pretty tired of using Google images for research, and actually went to the library for most of my drawing reference. This was also good because it got me out of the house yay! It made me feel like those movie behind the scenes featurettes I love, where people go on their little research trips, like OoooO I'm making the fake movie in my brain!! I unfortunately never wrote down the titles of these books I was using but there were some great illustrated book of clothing worn throughout history. I wanted to keep Gawain, and the design of Camelot fairly close to something historical.

I loved this book especially because all the art was so colourful. I think a lot of people have this idea that medieval costuming should be dull/dark colours but I definitely didn't want to go in that direction. I love bright colours!

I really took inspiration from this illustration I found for Gawain, even though people typically associate medieval knights with full plate armour, in the story Gawain is going on a lengthy journey to find the green chapel, then accept his beheading so I actually felt something lighter like this chainmail outfit with robe on top was the way to go to make him feel mobile. Also Gawain really lays on the self deprecating sauce thick when he volunteers himself up to participate in the Green Knight's game, claiming he is of no great importance, he's just a little guy, it's not a big risk if he gets hurt. (that's not a direct quote. That just the vibe) So I also snuck in the small detail that his clothing is a little oversized, not quite arranged straight, but he grows into it by the end of the tale :3

I also used designing Gawain as the chance to lock down what artstyle I wanted to move forward with. My brain told me 'oohhh storybook!' but go into a bookstore and give it a peruse and you will quickly find there is a wide array of storybook artstyles. So that was not specific enough. I tried simplifying my art style, I liked Cartoon Saloon's stuff (good catch everyone who commented on it's influence in the post's tags) but felt it was a little too simplified and stylized for what I wanted to do. The big lightbulb moment for me was when I found this art by an-old-lady on tumblr. I really like how this artist's work is pretty stylized but sticks close to recognizable human proportions. So I put this one my inspiration board, while still trying to keep it distinctly mine. not really my call to say if I succeeded at this or not lol

But yes Cartoon Saloon's influence is still there, especially with backgrounds,

and I also really loved looking towards the art of Sleeping Beauty. Really amazing use of colour in this art, also the way they simplify nature into easy to read shapes, then pack in all the detail there is something I loved.

me doing my best to harness that Disney concept art power

(Side note one books I can name from all this research is this one because I would like to own it some day. Fantastic resource for not only showing the classic art and architecture they are taking reference from, but how you can apply that to something a lot more cartoony and simplified. Seriously the side by side comparisons of medieval book artwork next to their Sleeping Beauty storybook scenes are masterclass mwah)

From there something I really wanted to drive home was this contrast between Gawain's world and Lord Bertilak/Green Knight's world. The Green Knight comes with lengthy descriptions about his odd (but hot *wink*) appearance, and there is definitely an aura that something unknown has entered King Arthur's court. While I tried to find inspiration for Gawain's armour from old artwork, Green Knight's outfit I was looking more to fantasy influences like Lord of the Rings, House of the Dragon, Renaissance Faire costumes, etc.

When you look up medieval fashion you get a lot of reference for these crazy cool headpieces

Lots of head coverings too for women (lots of it done for modesty reasons. Also a little bit for hygiene reasons) so I kept that consistent with the women of Camelot

Also even though a lot of medieval media associates the revealed shoulders and the sleeves with interesting cutouts with woman's fashion at the time, a lot of actual historical imagery I was finding has a full coverage layer underneath known as the kirtle (mostly for hygiene purposes......though I'm sure modesty is also a factor)

( Alicent where is your underlayer?? Cringe.)

But for Lady Bertilak I went full medieval fantasy and whipped out those sleeves that I always associate with princesses and gave her long flowing hair. Also interestingly I remember the story once emphasising her ~flirtatiously~ revealed shoulders. I wonder if that was a fashion choice still made back then, or if this is fantasy detailing, sort of like how the trash doctor drama TV show Doctor Odyssey will have doctors doing work on patients in full cocktail party attire a decision that is not based on any sort of reality but maybe hundreds of years from now if the media is preserved humans might assume that was how the doctors of our day dressed. HM!

Lord Bertilak actually gave me a hard time with his look. I went in really only knowing I wanted to give him that Hozier inspired bun hairstyle. My reasoning being that like Lord Bertilak loves going hunting he's a kind of man of the woods.....but he's also supposed to be this hot Lord who is making Gawain question if he wants to join a very unchristian open marriage and when I think of man of the woods but make it glam I think of this dude

but other than that I had no ideas on how to approach this 'same shape as the Green Knight but make him more warm and approachable' look I was trying to achieve, so I just made lots of sketches that got trashed pretty quickly. Also at the time I didn't know what colour scheme I wanted for these two yet, only that I wanted green as an accent colour to hint at his true identity (also because plot relevant green girdle) but not the MAIN COLOUR of their colour scheme. So anyways that's how you get this funny drawing of Lord Bertilak looking very Curious George's Yellow Guy vibes.

Then it hit me in the most unexpected of places....

You're probably wondering "hey there is literally a fantasy historical King Arthur musical you are OBSESSED WITH why are you not turning to that for inspiration?" or maybe "why would you reference House of the Dragon earlier but not the much more famous Game of Thrones?" and the answer there is as cool as those costumes are they are taking a LOT of inspiration from modern runway fashion and that just wasn't the vibe I was looking for. But then one day as I played the Camelot bootleg as comfort background noise (normal behaviour) I found inspiration from THE UNDERRATED FASHION ICON SIR PELLINORE!

I just really loved the long sleeveless drapery situation he had going on. I added the fur along the neckline for Lord Bertie though to make him more top heavy (like his Green Knight counterpart) and as a nod to hunting. but yes big props to Pellinore. ty king!

The contrasting shape language I used in the character design then informed all the extra prop details surrounding these characters.

But to keep things consistent I tried to keep some similar design principles for costumes. They like drapery. They like big sleeve moments. Bold colours. Girdles to break up dress forms. Tunics that generally fall close to knees in length.

I think the coolest bit of research I did was I visited a church in my city and got some good pictures as reference for the green chapel. In the poem the green chapel really ends up being a grass mound but that's not really an impressive drawing to put in your portfolio so I got the idea to have a chapel so old that nature has overtaken it and there's a structure in this hill. The church is open to just look through for free without attending a mass, it's a bit of a tourist destination for good reason it's really well kept, I'd been telling myself to go check it out for years of living here now but this project was what got me to finally do it.

I sketched some random object in there (this can be helpful even if you don't draw these things in your actual project just because it fills up your design bank in your brain) I also wish I took this picture but they had what looked like one of those office water coolers but it was labelled 'Holy Water' and I just thought that was funny. Sorry just wanted to share.

and I am HORRIBLE at drawing backgrounds, I really hate doing it, I find placing the horizon line/ vanishing points incredibly hard to do, so if you are like me but you wanna push yourself TAKE YOUR OWN PICTURES OF PLACES. AND TRACE OVER THEM. THEN ADD WHATEVER CHANGES NEEDED. IT'S NOT CHEATING I PROMISE. YOU CAN LITERALLY DO ANYTHING YOU WANT EVER IT IS NOT THE SAME AS PLAGIARIZING OR TRACING ANOTHER PERSON'S ART AND IT WILL SAVE YOU HEARTACHE. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

Anyways this has been my incredibly long advertisement for your local library, your local tourist spots, cool art books, cool cartoons, The Green Knight poem, the kirtle, to try your best to make the art you wanna make because it will fill your heart with joy. Don't be precious about your art in a design project, just sketch like your life is ending in the next couple of hours, it's cool if you draw something like this

There's definitely stuff I wish I had drawn, more props, something more to indicate Lord Bertilak's hunts (I also suck at drawing animals oop) and maybe those things will be drawn in the future, but I am happy to call this done for the time being :)

Did you get this far? Well thanks. ilu 🫶🏼

[wingzie]

Behind the Screen

The Beginning

On 20th September 2020 I posted my first ever Live Reactions on GCF in Tokyo. I was very nervous. In a world full of so much hate, would my attempt to go back in time to reminisce together and spread positivity be accepted? I wasn’t so sure. My idea behind the very concept of Live Reactions was because I was sick of so many fights about GCF in Tokyo. I wanted to show the true loving reactions to these moments, without all the drama that ends up going around in a vicious cycle. Thus, I started doing some research.

After I finished advanced searching on various social media platforms, I got ready to make the thread. I found myself quickly enjoying looking through old posts. It was fun and I think that’s a big part of why I am still making these now, nearly three years later. Plus the support. Once the thread was made, I posted it and actually hid my phone. I came back to it about an hour later and was very surprised to see such a huge response to it. At the time, it was one of my most popular posts and instantly there was a desire for more. 

I decided to throw myself into it.  If people wanted more, then I was happy to help with that! Especially when it was making so many people happy. I made a new Google Drive account and a spreadsheet to go with it, so that I could keep track of which Jikook moments I had already done or not. Over time, I would start formatting my posts properly and understand how the advanced search function worked on Twitter. I am a History and English major, so being accurate is very important to me. This gave birth to my second style of posts: Discussion and timeline threads. The Unexpected

Though these threads are well received and made with a lot of love, there was a dark side to this that I have never really spoken about before. The jikooker hierarchy is a strange one and is one that I try to ignore, but with that comes consequences and a certain isolation. A group of jikookers did not like that my account had apparently grown from out of nowhere and started spreading rumours about me, my posts and my identity. This hurt because I had never spoken to these people before. I would love it if we actually conversed, because I enjoy talking to people and I like to think that I am a pleasant person. But they were not interested and instead they continued to try and tarnish my name. I decided to come out to my closest friends and just continued what I was always doing.

I mostly ignored the bullying and it soon stopped once they realised that I was really not interested in the drama. I never have been and never will. After all, that was the main reason I started this journey of making threads. To try and counter the hate and drama, I just never expected it from my own side. It made me more determined than ever and I also made a promise to myself, to make sure others NEVER experienced what I did. A good friend of mine recently revealed that I was one of the only ones that would reply to their curious messages about Jikook. I feel like this is also something important: How we are seen from the outside. We want Jikook to be recognized for their bond and their talent. But how can we do that if all we do is fight or act better than others? I will always be here to talk or help others, it’s just in my nature to do so.

The Present and The Future

In the last few months or so my life has changed dramatically, in real life and also online. I have lost family members, got a new job and I am currently on carers leave. I decided to bring my laptop in the hope that I could work on some posts whilst everything was happening. I have (somehow) managed to find a balance between both and now have a loose schedule that I try to follow. I also try to not pressure myself whenever there is a new Jikook moment to instantly start working on it. I used to get really stressed, but now I am much better. One thing, however, is making this whole process rather difficult. Twitter. Or “X” as it’s now called. I can no longer just work on a post whenever I want to, I have to be time conscious. I currently have four accounts and have to rotate between them. Last night Jungkook went on We-live, with Jimin active in the comments. Jikookory happened. It was around 2am my time, but I’m still struggling to sleep in case I am needed. I decided to work on getting screenshots and it was hard. The search function does not work as well as it used to and my timeline is messed up on my backup accounts. There’s probably a case study that can be done here, but I just really wanted to work on a post without being restricted. I continued though, determined to show what others see. Sometimes we’re only aware of what is is happening in our own circles and not what is going on around us. Those that are in personal spaces with me know my deep frustration with all of this. On my Birthday, my main account got double limited and then my second account got locked. It was not fun. However, I refuse to give up. I have already completed my scheduled posts for August and September and am (very slowly) working on posts ready for November and December. Assuming that “X” is still around then. If not, I’ll post elsewhere or here. And for those asking why I haven’t been posting on here, my account seems to be bugged and won’t let me post links or videos in text posts for some reason. No idea why. Guess I don’t have much luck with social media platforms. With the way things are right now, this is a promise. I will continue to keep doing what I have been doing over all these years. It might be harder but I still have that same goal that I’ve always had: To spread postivity and appreciation for Jikook for all in a safe environment. Love you all.

[traegorn]

I need to stop doing this to myself.

(A Rant Where Trae Has Written Too Many Books This Month)

So since most of you started following me because of Witchcraft or podcast stuff, I realize a lot of you don't know how much fiction writing I do.

Primarily what I've published are comics. The big one is UnCONventional (which ran from December of 2009 to December of 2019), but I also did a steampunk comic called The Chronicles of Crosarth (which I put on hiatus in like 2018 intending to come back to... but I haven't, and I make no guarantee that I will even though over 650 of the 800 planned pages are done). Crosarth is... fine? The art isn't great in either of these, but UnCONventional carries itself with the humor.

But that's all old stuff. You may be like "Trae, what have you been producing for the last four years," and the answer is "not a lot." I got major creative block with the pandemic. Peregrine Lake, the "Northwoods Gothic" comic I was supposed to launch in 2020 (which has some characters from UnCONventional in it) didn't materialize when I said it would. What storytelling energy I had went into Stormwood & Associates and The Meatgrinder (my two actual play podcasts), but that was it.

And then 2023 happened, and the juices started flowing again.

Peregrine Lake is moving forward -- but with me just doing the writing. My urge to draw has not returned, but my urge to write has. A friend of mine, Ethan Flanagan, is drawing it, and I've written the first year of comics. It likely won't launch any time soon (the artist I'm working with is busy as hell so we want to get a shit-ton of the comic done before we launch it -- we have like the first month and a half of the comic ready?). But yeah -- it's happening. I hoping for Spring, but we'll see.

The other thing though is that I've started writing, like, novels. I've always had like twenty ideas in my head, so I figured I'd give it a shot. I decided to start with the idea I cared the least about (in case I fucked it up): A queer urban fantasy story.

In the last month and a half I've written complete drafts of two different novels in this setting, and am halfway through another one... and have another one outlined.

I, uh, had some ideas.

If you're asking yourself "Hey Trae -- what the fuck? That's a lot" you need to know a few things that aren't obvious. At one point in college, in 72 hours, I produced over 40 pages of text between three research papers. All were for 300 level courses, and I may have disassociated while writing them because I frankly don't remember most of it. But, like, they were decent papers.

One of those papers is in Google Scholar.

Anyway, yeah. I haven't been sleeping great because I've been obsessively writing, but you might ask "Why didn't you just write one and get it ready to publish?" That's a great question. Because I wrote a book, and when I was 3/4 of the way through it I realized something very important: This book would make a great sequel to a book I haven't written. I've been writing book two in a series where I haven't written book one yet.

Well fuck.

So I finished that draft, and I went and wrote book one. Now that book? That book I'm getting ready to publish. I expect to have it out in January. Part of my editing process involves setting what I think is a completed, good, revised draft down for a couple of weeks and then returning to it with fresh eyes. We're in that waiting period right now.

But I still had a bunch of energy.

So the first thing I did was a revising draft on book two (the one I wrote first), but I finished that. And had more energy. And more stories in this setting kept popping up.

So I started a third book. And I'm halfway through the first draft of that book. But then I realized yesterday... shit, this isn't book three.

This is book four.

I need stuff to happen before we get to this story.

So now I've outlined the actual book three, and am working on literally both of these books at once (I'll take a break for Christmas and then go do a final edit on Book One).

And... I'm just like... why am I like this?

I need to stop myself for a few days and get more sleep.

[posttexasstressdisorder]

The very first "research paper" on Tolkienish things was in 7th grade, which would have been 1972-73.

Google would not happen for a few...decades. This was hard-core everything on-paper research. The only things you're gonna work with are books and magazine articles and formally donated collections of letters, etc.

I went to three different libraries and scoured their Card Catalogs for ANY mention of Tolkien, and about the only thing I could turn up at that point in the timeline, besides an odd article or two in some mainstream glossy mag, was a mention of the "Frodo Lives!" phenomenon, which was "old news" even by the standards of the day...the article was from the swinging London mid-'60s, and this was redneck dumbfuckistan early-to-mid-'70s.

Several years and more than one world away.

But I kept searching, deeper I got into the Card Catalog the better what I found was. Learned which books/articles to ignore, which stuff was just a repeat of something I'd read already in another book or magazine.

This took weeks. Literally. This is why Google is all kinds of distressing nowadays. They're burying the good stuff under heaps of bullshit.

The only sin of the old librarians was to not update their Card Catalogs timely. You were limited in very PHYSICAL ways from easy paths to proper research.

It was only after these maddening weeks of hard-copy research that I found the address (from 1966!) of "The Tolkien Society" in England, which I mentioned in the last post about this staggeringly important issue. lulz.

We went to great lengths to find out even the barest of relevant information about the subjects we were researching. Being able to finally access College Libraries opened many doors that were previously closed, but still the difficulty in finding the resources would be substantial for years and years to come.

[dontcallpanic]

hi there darling! I've got a pretty ask for you🩵

do you have any favorite quotes? why do you like them?

and, if you feel like they are incomplete or missing a bit, how would you complete them and why?

wish you a wonderful day and hope you're living the best life🫂🫂

Helo cariad! This is a pretty ask thank you SO much! You can definitely bet anything precious to you that this will be return served!

I have... Some... favourite quotes. I have a memory like a fish for them though so had to do some googling for ones I recognised. I've tried to cherry pick too for brevity!

They fall into three categories:

Proverbs/sayings

These are some of my favourites I have to admit!

Dod yn ôl at Fy Nghoed - which literally means coming back to my trees but on a deeper meaning is something like finding balanced/calm sense of mind! I love this one because i've had a number of lovely people say this to me at really important moments over the years. It really helps me find my 'roots!'

If ever tha does owt for nowt, do it for thisen - this an old yorkshire proverb which is quite famous but means if you ever do something for nothing, do it for yourself. Husbands family are deep yorkshire so I'm borrowing this one! Personally the way I interpret this is to be well, if you're going to do something for nothing, make sure you're enjoying it. Make sure it's something you care about, make sure it's worthwile to you. I mean this probably applies, even if you're getting something from it!

Words to live by

Dywed yn dda am dy gyfail, am dy elyn dywed ddim- This means speak well of your friend; of your enemy say nothing! There's an old matriarch of the village where I grew up who always said this to me. I really like it, not least because this way any enemies will never know what you're really up too and it's important to shout nice things about your friends.

Don't let the buggers get you down - my nain was a gentle firecracker of a woman and she ALWAYS said this to me. I stand by these words.

Fun/Book Quotes

Not all those who wander are lost (JRR Tolkien) - This is a favourite hobby of mine. Wandering and getting lost - but not really! But it works on multiple levels

It's still magic even if you know how it's done (Terry Pratchett - a Hat Full of Sky) - I love trying to keep that amazement alive. I have a social science research background, heavy on the science, but just becuase you can offer up an explanation for something, doesn't make it any less incredible. Plus, magic is awesome!

There have been times, lately, when I dearly wished that I could change the past. Well I can't, but I can change the present, so that when it becomes the past it will turn out to be a past worth having (Terry Pratchett - I Shall Wear Midnight) - This comes back to hope for the future and control of my life which are two very important things! I try to remind myself of this whenever things feel shit or overwhelming.

Cymer Amser, Cymer Ofal. Take time, take care - I have this framed on a picture behind my desk. And I love it... link/credit below! Just pure words to live by - it reminds me to breathe and to have compassion - for others and myself.

I was thinking - and I know that this is a cop out but I don't think I would add to any of these quotes. But I will explain - I have a bad memory for quotes so I like the shorter ones, or the ones that get accross a snapshot or a vibe or a sense of something so that the emotion of it lingers with you even if the words don't. Becuase of that, I don't think I would change anything about these - I like them just the way they are, because they are the way they are!

I hope this does some kind of justice to your ask - sorry if it's a bit... endless... or boring!

@gege-wondering-around Sending you lots of sunshine and nice things and a day/week that's full of joy and all the things you need! I hope you are living the BEST life too! Take time, take care! Cariad mawr!

[muttsmischiefacademysblog]

Change the world for one dog

Audio link - 8 mins 40 secs https://youtu.be/3vYhLr0e3SU?si=1Z_Ep-Z9TaOL8Uz2

This will be a series of blogs as it is just far too long to keep to one blog.

As someone with compassion fatigue I wanted to explore this and how both we as professionals and guardians can do better. I believe the solution is that people begin to see the care of dogs as the same standard of care for a child.

Many people strive to be the best parents that they can be and will find someone that they look up to, to guide them through this journey whether that's parenting books or television shows. When people find out that this person was actually sharing harmful information, parents are understandably upset by this.

I see the same in the dog world, harmful information is more rife now than ever before, we aren't just fighting against television but also YouTube and all social media channels. We aren't just guiding guardians away from rubbish on Google, but trying so hard to protect them from every angle that is harmful.

Many guardians believe that they are doing everything correctly and they actually probably are doing their absolute best. How do I know this beyond opinion? Good question. Good old research and journals. Viewing this cross sectionally as I feel this is really important, I will be looking at two papers specifically, one from 2019 (pre TikTok and covid) and one from this year.

Animal Welfare is complex and those of you who follow my posts know that with the Animal Welfare Act 2006 just how complicated this really is. We know that there are huge failings for animals all across the world but specifically the UK which doesn't police its own laws, but I digress.

So the 2019 paper (1) expresses that dog welfare is multifaceted and multidisciplinary, there are so many factors to take into account when exploring this subject such as economic, scientific, psychological, biological, philosophical, social, cultural, political as well as consequential. (2)

There are so many things to consider when bringing a dog into your life. As can be seen by the photo of Koda and Diesel, once upon a time (5 years ago) I wrote out a hypothetical budget for the cost of a puppy or dog. This would be three times the amount now.

Back in 2019 it was estimated that 26% of the population shared their home with a dog. We now know how much this has increased post covid to double this amount standing now at 53% of the population across the UK.

As I explored in my Five freedoms blog series we can see how difficult it truly is to define good welfare standards, as we saw when animal welfare was becoming a need in the UK that the paradigms were very different to what we see today where it is now accepted that dog welfare should be viewed with a scientific approach as a measure of the welfare standards.

Veterinary care was an easy tool for researchers to use as a measure of dog welfare standards as this can be seen by statistics, measured and observed objectively. The second way to learn about dog welfare is through neuropsychological approach and the third being the dog's affective state. Welfare is not something that can be done to someone but is a state of being.

If a dog enjoys a positive state of welfare it is generally considered that all three aspects of the welfare considerations are applied to ensure the dog's positive welfare status. (4)

Animal Welfare and companion dog psychology are relatively new sciences that are also not fully understood clearly. It is also viewed as disordered and lacking boundaries too. Which makes it complicated mixed with the philosophical considerations of what truly constitutes good animal welfare. Especially as dogs are unfortunately seen as how they benefit society and humans. (5)

Unbelievably there is extensive guidance on dog welfare specifically for charities, councils and the law to best advise guardians how to care for dogs but sadly as we see with most things this is due to being produced by those who have a stakeholder in dog welfare. So it can be argued that there is much evidence out there for education for dog guardians and it has been argued that dog guardians simply disregard this information and learning resources. (6)

However as a behaviourist I would in fact argue that information is not readily available and is in fact gate kept. I know this as fact, many journals and peer reviewed papers we have to pay a considerable amount of money for. They are also not user friendly for everyone, being in battle with one currently for not being user friendly for neurodivergent readers.

We also know this from my previous post referencing the policing laws for the UK concerning dogs which you can read here. 📸 Look at this post on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/100057373879884/posts/740670534522069/?d=n&mibextid=WC7FNe

It has also been argued that schools have a duty of care to teach animal welfare as a part of the curriculum. (7) However we know that the Animal Welfare is simply not policed nor governed unless in the most tragic and awful of cases, where animals have to come to extreme harm before anything is done.

References

Philpotts, I., Dillon, J. and Rooney, N. (2019). Improving the Welfare of Companion Dogs—Is Owner Education the Solution? Animals, [online] 9(9), p.662. doi:https://doi.org/10.3390/ani9090662. ‌Bayvel A.C.D., Cross N. Animal Welfare: A Complex Domestic and International Public-Policy Issue—Who Are the Key Players? JVME. 2010;37:3–12. doi: 10.3138/jvme.37.1.3.

Yeates J.W., Main D.C. Veterinary surgeons’ opinions on dog welfare issues. J. Small Anim. Pr. 2011;52:464–468. doi: 10.1111/j.1748-5827.2011.01095.x.

Fraser D. Animal behaviour, animal welfare and the scientific study of affect. Appl. Anim. Behav. Sci. 2009;118:108–117. doi: 10.1016/j.applanim.2009.02.020.

Belshaw Z., Asher L., Harvey N.D., Dean R.S. Quality of life assessment in domestic dogs: An evidence-based rapid review. Vet. J. 2015;206:203–212. doi: 10.1016/j.tvjl.2015.07.016.

PDSA PDSA Animal Wellbeing (PAW) Report 2016. [(accessed on 23 August 2019)]; Available online: https://www.pdsa.org.uk/get-involved/our-campaigns/pdsa-animal-wellbeing-report/past-reports

RSPCA Call for Animal Welfare in Education. [(accessed on 28 August 2019)]; Available online: https://www.rspca.org.uk/whatwedo/education/action

Image description: A grey comic book panel with two windows. The title is “We can change the world for one dog” underneath the subtext says muttsnmischief.com

The first window is of a grey and cream Wolfdog sitting on a spaceship looking out of the window at the galaxy and different planets. But looking back into the ship with her head over her shoulder.

Second window: a mint green background with a shaded green category circle. Within the categories are sleep, with a grey wolf dog sleeping on a pink bed.

A Wheelchair user with their back to the screen playing the chair game with a cream and grey wolfdog with the category title of "Time to train new protocols."

A category called "diet" with the sodapup honeycomb slow feeder with raw food in the centre with vegetables, fish, liver and eggs in the outer of the bowl.

A Vet with blonde short hair, white medical coat and green scrubs stood with a dark grey and tan Wolfdog with the category "vet check".

A category called opportunities for mental enrichment with a dark grey and tan Wolfdog behind an xpen fence, within a Doggy Enrichment Land. A green wall with the bottom of a picture frame and a music speaker. There is a destruction box filled with balls, a Kong, a lickimat, a snuffle mat, an orange bed, a bone, an ostrich twist and a loose ball.

The last category is "Keep a journal" with a lined journal with green edges and rainbow dividers.

[what-even-is-thiss]

I have linked to a free version of each of these texts if I could find them. Keep in mind though that if a translation is free it's usually old enough to have lost its copyright and is therefore pretty out of date and harder to read. If you want a smoother reading experience of any of these texts I'd suggest googling the most recent English translation and buying a copy of that.

This is not a comprehensive list by any means. To me it's just stuff that's good to be familiar with because it's still having a large impact on culture today. If you have any other recommendations please add them.

Ancient Mesopotamia:

The poetry of Enheduanna, the earliest credited author we have records of. She was a priestess of the goddess Inanna and her poetry is hymns to the goddess in question as well as functionally political propaganda for her father who was king of the region at the time.

The Epic of Gilgamesh, the earliest written epic poem we have on record. It tells the story of a demigod king losing his best friend and going on a quest to try and achieve immortality to avoid the same fate.

Ancient Greece:

The Iliad by Homer tells the story of how the hero Achilles led to the end of the Trojan war. It notoriously has entire chapters composed entirely of lists but other than that it's good I promise.

The Odyssey by Homer tells the story of the ten year journey home of the hero Odysseus after the Trojan war. This is a text claimed by many to be just as important as the bible in terms of its impact on western literature.

The poetry of Sappho of Lesbos, called by many to be "the tenth muse". Her poetry is unusual for the time because she speaks about herself as the subject of her poetry. She's often considered to be important today because of her poetry about openly lusting for other women. Although she was very popular in her time, very few of her poems survive because the dialect she wrote in fell out of fashion.

Antigone, Oedipus the King, and Oedipus at Colonus by Sophocles, also known as the three Theben Plays. Together, these plays tell the tragedy of the Greek hero Oedipus and the aftermath of his death on his children.

Ancient Rome:

The Aeneid by Virgil continues the story of Troy from where the Greek epics carry off from the Trojan perspective, following Rome's founding hero hero Aeneas and his journey to Italy.

Metamorphosis by Ovid is a poetic collection of short stories from Roman mythology with an anti-authoritarian bend. Ovid retells Greek myths from a Roman perspective, and from the perspective of a man who hates authority living in a time where a republic is being replaced by a monarchy.

Ancient China:

The Poetry of Li Bai. A controversial man in his own time in the Tang dynasty who was kicked out of many courts and was married four times. His poetry has a lot of beautiful imagery in it that modern poets from all over the world still take inspiration from.

The poetry of Du Fu, also known as Tu Fu, is another great poet of the Tang dynasty. His poetry is more personal than that of Li Bai, who was his contemporary, and he is sometimes also considered an early historian.

The Analects of Confucius is a series of sayings and lecture notes gathered by the students of the philosopher Confucius. The philosophy in these works still has an impact on cultural values in many Asian countries to this day.

Ancient India:

The Vedas are a series of texts sacred to Hinduism. Although important, they are so long that I can't in good conscience tell you to read the whole thing. So here is a small selection of quotes from the university of Hawaii's intro to Asian philosophy course and I invite you to do your own research after that.

Shakuntala by Kalidasa is a play that tells the story of a woman who is cursed to be forgotten by her husband for a small slight she committed. Kalidasa is extremely pro-monarchy but he wants monarchs to be good, so this play serves as a moral example for the upper classes.

Hala's Sattasai is an ancient Indian collection of various love poems. Only recently translated into English. And I am personally very glad for that because they are lovely.

I think that these are a good place to get you started if you want to actually read this stuff instead of just reading summaries. There's an endless well of fragments and other texts you can jump into if you like, but these are, in my opinion, the basics. I hope you find something here that you like.

Would people be interested in a reading list of classic ancient world literature for beginners I'm kinda in the mood to infodump

[theneuralnet]

Inside Waymo’s strategy to grow the best brains for self-driving cars

Waymo, the self-driving unit of Alphabet, is the only company in the world to have fully driverless vehicles on public roads today.

The company asserts that its cars have the most advanced brains on the road today thanks to a head start in AI investment, strategic acquisitions by sister company Google, and a close working relationship with the tech giant's in-house team of AI researchers

Waymo's engineers are modeling how cars recognize objects in the road, how human behavior affects how cars should behave, and they're using deep learning to interpret, predict, and respond to data accumulated from 6 million miles driven on public and 5 billion driven in simulation.

In March, a 49-year-old woman was struck and killed by a self-driving Uber vehicle while crossing the street in Tempe, Arizona.

A few weeks later, the owner of a Tesla Model X died in a gruesome crash while using Autopilot, the automaker’s semi-autonomous driver assist system

Meanwhile, the public is growing increasingly skeptical of the safety of driverless vehicles

In the midst of all this uncertainty, Waymo invited me out to its headquarters in Mountain View, California, for a series of in-depth interviews with the company's top humans in artificial minds.

ImageNet

ImageNet started as a poster from Princeton University researchers, displayed at a 2009 conference on computer vision and pattern recognition in Florida

It grew into an image dataset, then a competition to see who could identify the most images with lowest error rate

Around 2011, the error rate was about 25 percent, meaning one in four images were being identified incorrectly by the teams' algorithms

A big shift was going from neural nets that were quite shallow (two or three layers) to the deep nets (double-digit layers)

The biggest breakthrough was in 2012, when AI researcher Geoffrey Hinton and his two graduate students, Ilya Sutskever and Alex Krizhevsky, showed a new way to attack the problem: a deep convolutional neural network to the ImageNet Challenge that could detect pictures of everyday objects

This led to Google acquiring Hinton’s company DNNresearch

Problems emerged almost immediately: the new system was making too many errors, mislabeling cars, traffic signals, and pedestrians

Google began applying the technique to other parts of the project including prediction and planning

Other car and tech companies have already caught on to the importance of machine learning, and Waymo's data may be too specific to extrapolate to a global scale.

AI and machine learning are essential to self-driving cars, but how long can they last?

A natural consequence of improvements in AI is that big head-starts like Waymo’s are less significant as they have been

Each additional mile that Waymo accrues needs to be interesting for it to be relevant to the process of training the neural networks

Dolgov is sitting in one of X's conference rooms, whiteboard marker in hand, MacBook Pro splayed before him, asking me to describe to him the difference between Garfield and Odie.

Before I can stammer out a reply, Dolgov keeps going: "If I give you a picture, and I ask you "is it a cat or a dog," you will know very quickly."

This type of question is well-suited for deep learning algorithms

It's one thing to come up with a bunch of basic rules and parameters, but teaching a computer to distinguish between different types of traffic signs is much easier

Waymo uses an automated process and human labelers to train its neural nets

After they've been trained, these giant datasets also need to be pruned and shrunk so they can be deployed in the real world in Waymo's vehicles

This process, akin to compressing a digital image, is key building the infrastructure to scale to a global system.

The Future of AI

The future of AI at Waymo isn't sentient vehicles. It's in cutting-edge research like automated machine learning, in which the process of building machine learning models is automated.

Waymo uses Google's data centers to train its neural nets, using a high-powered cloud computing hardware system called "tensor processing units."

Information Source: The Verge

[ochipi]

Why I (an archaeologist) don’t watch archaeological documentaries (warning loooong post).

I never doubt the local archaeologists who have to hang around in the background for good measure, but I have no need for a pretends-to-know-what-he’s-talking-about-presenter because production is too lazy to translate say Spanish or Arabic

Archaeology exist in two ways. Field archeo and desk archeo. No archaeologist, no matter how skilled he/she/they/them is, has the skill to do a full explanational analysis of everything he finds that day on the spot. They’re repeating old research and proposing possibilities. You have to wait until the comparative desk research and analysis is complete before you can say anything with confidence.

Once you notice it, you can’t unsee it. Have you heard anything in the news about a NatGeo archaeological dig being the big breakthrough? Just google the place or subject they’re “digging”, and as much as nothing will show up. That’s because the real results are either not as exiting (to the untrained eye), the results are simply not finished yet or they just filmed for a few days on site, put a story on it and called it a day. You can’t tell me that Thebes or Chichén Itzá is only being researched just once every three years or something.

I rather hear the local archaeology professor who’s spent their entire carrier on this site or subject than a whitewashing outsider

Archaeology doesn’t centre around Mayan kings, Egyptian pyramids or King Arthur. I’m more exited to hear about everyday life from a site or location I’ve never heard of before

Too many special effects? Field archaeology is expensive but everyone involved except for the field archaeologist wants to save money on everything. It’s not how real life works

STOP SAYING A SITE IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE YOU FOUND “TREASURES”!!! Archaeologists hype just as much on intact podzol or tertiary soil

“Wait until the scientists see this” is the one phrase that kills me every time. Archaeology is a science thank you very much (logos: Ancient Greek, meaning “science” boom. Knowledge drop). We’re not just university graded swimming pool diggers! Oh wait…

[nickyhemmick]

A Very Stressed American Jew here again,

Hi! Thank you for taking the time to respond to my ask and yes, I’m someone who loves hearing as many perspectives as possible so I’d love some sources from you. I also very much appreciate the fact you are being very careful to only reblog posts that are anti Israel, not antisemetic (which is frankly a breath of fresh air, the internet has been a bit exhaustingly full of both antisemitic & Islamaphobic content these past feel days as I bet you’ve seen)

I’ve also been to Israel on a Birthright trip. We met people who ( both Palestinian and Israeli) on various sides of the conflict and learned a ton about it, from both perspectives which I was lucky to have the opportunity to do. We even went a little into the Gaza Strip to talk to these people running a pro Palestine peace movement and it was so important to me hearing those stories.

I never said they were on equal footing militarily, they definitely are not, Israel definitely has that advantage. But you are incorrect about Israel always being the aggressor since 1948,they’ve defended themselves about as often as they’ve attacked. Isreal is a small country comparatively to the ones surrounding it, so it makes sense it defends itself heavily in case of an attack.

I 100% agree that there are too many people who are compliant with the mistreatment of many Palestinians! I’m not anti #freepalestine at all! I get why that is a thing. But I also stand with Israel( but that does not mean I condone every action they take. ) Overall I think the situation is extremely complicated and some sort of compromise should be reached.

It’s just been very frustrating to see so many people reblog things on a situation just bashing Israel because so many others are doing it. Especially when then don’t know what they are talking about or using big buzz words that they don’t know what they mean, or spreading misinformation. It’s been on both sides and has been very very draining. I just want peace and some sort of solution. It makes me extremely happy you know what you are talking about and can debate politely yet happily about it. The internet has been so ‘ either agree with me 100% or you a bad person’ about this so it’s refreshing to see you are not like that.

I’ve done a lot of research into it from as many perspectives as I can get my hands on.

Some extremest Israelis are hurting Palestinians

Some extremest Palestinians are hurting Israelis

Both sides are throwing rockets at each other and it’s terrifying.

Both sides claim the other side is brainwashed

There is so much biased propaganda out there on both ends it’s hard to know what is truly happening.

I know people living in Israel who have sent me videos they’ve taken of rockets flying over there heads and I’m so scared for them. I’m so scared for all the innocent people caught in the crossfire on both sides.

Thank you for a more nuanced response and I’d love some of your sources,

A Very Stressed American Jew

Hi anon, 

I wasn’t going to respond to this until after my math final tomorrow but I’ve spent the past two days thinking of your ask and the things I wish to articulate in my answer. 

I am going to start here: how can you say you support Israel but say you are also pro-free Palestine (as in, you said you are not anti free Palestine). In my opinion, these two ideas cannot coexist. Simply because, the entire establishment of Israel has been on violent, racist, colonial grounds. 

(Super long post under here guys)

You said you don’t support all Israel’s actions, and definitely, just because you support something doesn’t mean you can’t criticize it. However, in my opinion, if you do not support Israel’s actions against Palestinians there’s not much left to support? I admit this is a very biased view as I am Palestinian, but many things that people support about Israel have existed before its creation: as in, these are things and qualities that have existed in Judaism and are not due to “Israeli culture.” There is no Israeli culture. There’s Jewish culture--100%. But there is no Israeli culture, because Israel does not only steal Palestinian land, but Palestinian culture, too. Such as claiming Levant food is Israeli; hummus, ful, falafel, shawarma. I mentioned food from this article I know is culturally and traditionally of the Levant, and has been for centuries, it is not something that has come to culinary creation in the past 73 years. 

I do not think this is a complicated issue. I said that in the previous ask and I’ll say that again. Saying it is a complicated issue is trivializing the deaths of innocent Palestinians, the violent dispossession our ancestors endured, and the apartheid they live under. I hope if anything comes from this discussion it is you removing the “it’s a complicated issue” phrase from your vernacular. 

This is not complicated. A journalist reporting the death of martyrs only to discover that of them include two of his brothers is not complicated. The asymmetry of Israel vs Palestinian armed forces is not complicated, nor is the asymmetry in Israeli vs Palestinian suffering (which I will get to later). It is not complicated.  Destroying the graves of martyred Palestinians (or just in general, the graves of the dead) is not complicated. Little children being pulled from the rubble, children being forced to comfort one another as they are covered in the ashes of their decimated homes, attacking unarmed citizens in peaceful demonstrations (you can find videos before this attack where they were playing with kites and balloons), destroying an international media office and refusing to allow journalists to retrieve the work they are spending every waking hour documenting but claiming it was because it was a hide out for a “Hamas base,” fathers who are trying to cheer their frightened children up only to end up dead the next day, while many Israeli have the privilege and the option to go to hotel-like bomb shelters is not complicated. 

This brings me to my next point: the suffering of Palestinians cannot be compared to the inconvenience of Israeli’s. On one side, you have children who are happy to have saved their fish in the face of their homes and lives being decimated behind them to Israeli’s in Tel Aviv having to cut their beach day short to get to bomb shelters. You have mothers and fathers ready to set their lives down for their children to save them from bombs to Israeli’s enjoying their brunch only after making sure there are bomb shelters there. You have Palestinian children being murdered to blocking out the sound of sirens in the safety of your bomb shelters. (The first picture of the Palestinian child is not from footage of the recent problems). You have the baby lone survivor of a whole family recovered from rubble. His whole family, gone, before he ever had the chance to realize that he even exists, while Israeli’s decide to flee out of the country,(Translate the caption from Twitter, it checks out), or have to leave the shower due to sirens. Who is really suffering? 

I won’t sit here and pretend like the thought of rockets flying over my head, no matter which side I am on, is not terrifying. It is. It’s scary to just think about. But Israeli’s have protection beyond Palestinian’s, they have sirens to warn them (Israel does not always warn Palestinian building members that it is about to be bombed), they have the Iron Dome, they have simply the threat of nuclear power (which I am not saying Israel would use, but the simple fact they have it would make me feel a lot better if I were an Israeli citizen) and they have bomb shelters. What do Palestinians have? Hamas? That smuggles its weapons through the ocean? That only ever reacts to the action Israel instigates? And yet Gazans are branded terrorists and that it is their fault that they “elected” a terrorist organization that only was ever created due to no protection from any armed country? (There are so many links I want to add in this paragraph but it is simply impossible for me to add everything I want, a lot of what I’m referring to can either be found through a Google search, or you can stalk my Twitter account, all that I am posting now is about Palestine, and will include sources of things I cannot add in just this one post.) 

Look, I see myself in the genocide happening in Palestine right now. I see myself in this ten year-old girl. In this three year old girl. I see me and my family in videos of cars being attacked in Ramallah and Sheikh Jarrah (I cannot find the Ramallah video, should be somewhere on my Twitter), I see my father in the countless videos of fathers crying out for their children, of kissing the corpse of their loved ones (again, translate the Tweet, the man holding the body is saying “just one kiss”). I see my grandfather in videos like this (old footage). I see my younger brother, I see my grandmother, my mother, my aunts and uncles and cousins. I see myself and my life and my family were my father not lucky enough to get a scholarship to the UK and out of Palestine, were my maternal grandfather not been lucky enough to make it to a refugee camp and build a life in Jordan. I have an unbelievable amount of privilege to be born into the life I was born in to, in terms of I do not have the threat of bombs and violent dispossession around me, and I do not even live in the US. I have privilege and sheer luck that my parents were able to go to the US so that me and my brothers can be born, because now I have both the protection of the most powerful country in the world while at the same time being part of a people to have suffered so generously the past seventy-three years. 

On the other hand, you saying that Israel has “defended themselves about as often as they’ve attacked. Israel is a small country comparatively to the ones surrounding it, so it makes sense it defends itself heavily in case of an attack,” I offer you this question: why are they using military grade guns and stun grenades in mosques to “defend” themselves from rocks? And before you mention that Hamas hit Tel Aviv, I remind you that Hamas did that due to the violence in the Al-Aqsa mosque square and the attempted ethnic cleansing in Sheikh Jarrah. The violence didn’t begin with us; the violence was brought out of Palestinians in resistance to the generations of oppression we have endured and the attack on Palestinian Muslims during the holiest night of Ramadan. Hamas has since asked for a ceasefire multiple times and Israel is refusing. New reports say there is a possibility of a ceasefire in the coming days, but Israel could have decided this a long time ago and spared many lives. (Remember, no matter what resistance we make, Israel is the one in power).

Israel has been the aggressor since 1948. Just read up about the Nakba! 700k Palestinian families were dispossessed violently. The only reason Israel was established at all was because it simply declared it was now a country and the US and many other countries recognized it as such. (Of course, there are many other historical details here, like the British Mandate of Palestine, the Balfour Declaration, the Oslo Accords and many others. I am aware of them but these are for a different post all together). My paternal grandfather was a little younger than me when Israel as a state was created. The hostility that followed was due to this independent declaration being listened to over Palestinian voices. 

Here is a very, very simplified analogy, one that can also answer some people’s questions as to why Palestinians (not Arabs, we are Palestinian before we are Arab) did not like what happened in 1948 and why they refused a two-state solution (that Israel was never going to go through with anyway). (I am also aware other Arab nations got involved, and that is perhaps what you mean when you said they had to defend themselves, but my response to that would still be we didn't start it, that we only responded to it).

Let’s say you are a farmer. You have many fields of trees, ones you have taken shelter under from the sun since you were a child, or hid behind when you wanted to avoid your parents when you misbehaved. You have seen your trees grow from a seed, to a sprout, to a flower, to a large, beautiful tree with fruits the size of a fist. You pluck the fruits from one tree, and make a jam from it. I don’t know how to make jam but I know it takes a lot of energy. So, you make this jam and from it, produce a lovely, mouth-watering pie. Once it has cooled from the oven, you take it with you outside your balcony just so that you can admire the years, months, weeks and hours this one pie has taken to be created. Suddenly, a stranger walks past and yells to you, “That pie looks delicious, I want it!” And you, shocked at their boldness but ready to share, say, “I will give you a bite.” But the stranger says, “No! I do not want a bite or a slice or whatever you want to offer me, I want the pie!” And they grab it from you. You and the stranger start screaming at one another about who the pie is for, who is allowed to decide what happens to it, and who you can share it with. Then, another stranger comes by and says, “Why all the problems? Let’s cut the pie in half and the both of you can share it!” But why should you, who has spent years cultivating the fruit and grain inside this pie, share it? Why should you give up half of the 100% that you already owned? Of what you already had? So you disagree, and now a crowd has formed around you. “What’s the problem?” someone in the crowd calls. “They don’t want to share their pie!” another voice says. Then you become branded a selfish, mean bastard. Again, this is a super simplified analogy, so don’t take it too seriously, but I am trying to show you why Israel is the aggressor.

In addition, I do not know too much about the Birthright program, just that American Jewish people are sent to Israel, all expenses paid. I tried my best to find the Twitter thread but I read it so long ago, about an American Jewish person who went on their trip and they talked about the propaganda that they were exposed to on that trip. I can’t say for sure that it is true, because I haven’t been on it and never will, but that is the first thing I thought of when you mentioned your Birthright trip. Either way, I think it is still great you went and saw the country. However, I must ask you this: are the people you met ones you, yourself, sought out, or ones you were organized to meet?

Now, I haven’t been to Gaza, so I don’t know what you really saw or didn’t, but did you speak to Palestinians who lost their homes to airstrikes? Did you speak to siblings, parents or children of loved ones who had been lost beneath the rubble of buildings and towers? Outside of Gaza, did you speak to Palestinians that live in poor quarters? Ones who have been victims of an IDF soldier shooting them, or who have family members who have died from such attacks? Did they take you guys to Ramallah, to Nablus, to Beit-Imreen, to Jenin, to small villages in the West Bank, far away from Jerusalem and Tel Aviv? Did you speak to people there? Ask them their stories? Because if you did I have a very hard time believing you still think Israel is “defending” itself.

I’ve been to Jerusalem, many times, even Tel Aviv and Jaffa and Haifa. All the times I visited Dome of the Rock there were IDF soldiers with huge guns strapped to their person, standing menacingly outside the courtyard. For what? Genuinely, genuinely for what? It is nothing but an intimidation tactic. The same way we are not allowed in through the airport. If you could see the struggle some Palestinians actually go through just to get into Palestine, through the land border, you would be disgusted. I love Palestine, it is my ancestry land, it is my culture and tradition. But I always hated going to visit because I knew the way to getting there would be hell.

My father worked in Tel Aviv through the first Intifada. My maternal grandfather was forced out of his home in the Nakba and was forced to leave behind his belongings and the orange trees that have been in his family for generations. Hell, the town they lived in was destroyed! It doesn’t exist anymore except in the memories of my aunts and uncles, who never even saw it, but just heard of it from their father!

I’m not saying there aren’t Palestinians who are racist and anti-Semitic (though, tbh, I will direct you here for that) and who support Hamas in killing Israeli’s, but talking about how there are many “extremist” Palestinians who are hurting Israeli’s and in the next line say there are extremist Israeli’s who are hurting Palestinians is not correct. There are extremist Israeli’s killing, lynching, stealing the houses of Palestinians, and there are Palestinians who are fed up and fighting back. (I am not talking about Hamas vs the IDF here, I am talking about the citizens). I have not seen one reported death of an Israeli due to Palestinian violence (if you have, from a trusted source, send it to me), but I have seen countless of the other way around. I have seen images of charred little bodies, of a baby being dug out of the rubble, of a child’s body that had been so mutilated that you can literally see the insides of their body coming out. (I don’t know if it’s on my Twitter, I didn’t want to save that shit). If this was my country I would be absolutely ashamed of myself and my people and what they are doing in the name of my protection. So you have to forgive me, and forgive other Palestinians, who don’t give a fuck about Israeli’s having anxiety over rockets flying over their heads when we see these images. Where is the protection of our kids? Why does no one seem to mention them except when mentioning the poor, innocent ones in Israel? At least more than the majority of them have their parents to comfort and rock them. At least many of them will probably be saved of ever having to be beneath the rubble of a destroyed building, or digging in it, to hope to find the parts of their parents or siblings just so that they can bury them. Just the links from the start of my answer is enough to support what I am saying.

I have soooo much more I can say, like how Israel uses religion to distort the image of what’s going on (tbh, just check my Twitter for that: language is EVERYTHING), but you didn’t mention religion in any of this and so I won’t either. The only reason I decided to respond to you in such length was because you have been one of the few respectful anons in my inbox in the past few years of me being on here talking about Israel, so I appreciate that from you. 

As promised, some more sources: decolonizepalestine is a good place to start if you haven’t used it already, it has reading materials, myth busting, and more. Here is a map list of destroyed localities from pre-1948 until 2017, run by two anti-Zionist Israelis. Here and here are the articles I promised of a former IDF soldier-turned Palestinian activist, I read these two last year in June and remember coming out much more informed than before I read them. I suggest looking into the writer and his organization, which, if I remember correctly, collects accounts from previous IDF soldiers. I would suggest not to follow Israel and the IDF accounts on any platform, or any Israel times newspaper, simply because they will not tell you the truth. In fairness, you do not have to follow any Palestinian Authority accounts (which I am not even sure there are), but to follow on-ground Palestinians like Mohammed El-Kurd, who has been speaking out since he was 12 (he is now 22) and he is part of the families in Sheikh Jarrah. I have noticed that this and this account have been translating Arabic headlines and tweets for non-Arabic speakers, I have just started following this person but their bio says they are a Palestinian Jewish person so I am interested in their view of things. You can also follow Israeli’s on-ground and see their perspective on things, but I would also advise to compare the Palestinian and Israeli side of things from the people, and critically analyze the language used in each case. Also, this article references Jewish scholars opposed to the occupation (I have not looked into them myself but I plan to after my exams), and Norman Finklestein is another great Jewish scholar to look into if you haven’t. Twitter is better than Instagram and Facebook, so I would stick to getting live-info from there, Twitter does not censor Palestinian content as much as Insta and Facebook so you’re more likely to see things there.

I will end this by saying I personally do not see any other option for peace than to give Palestinians our land back. Whether we may be Muslim, Jewish or Christian, it has always been and will always be our land. I only hope to see it free in my lifetime. 

Free Palestine. 

[sainz-zayn]

Treacherous 01.

Treacherous (adj.)  guilty of or involving betrayal or deception.

Warnings: vulgar foreign language/ foul language, sexual and suggestive themes, betrayal/ betrayal between Johnjae, Illegal drug dealing, mention of blood and wounds, use of gun, smoking, mention of death/ murder, minor character death. This is my first time writing a kind of detailed smut and it`s badly written I`m sorry. I don`t know much about law but I tried since this is kind of Vincenzo au a little far from it but kind of like that and I`m amateur when it come`s to writing again I`m sorry. All Italian/foreign words came from google translate.

► Part 2

Word Count: 10.1k 

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this story even those based on real people are entirely fictional.

"Envious causes jealousy and jealousy causes hatred, hatred turns Treacherous causing sins to one another,"  you said letting out a sarcastic chortle.

 "Revenge, you said you want your revenge and I`m more than happy and dreadful to help you" his eyes are flaming and burning fire the beast inside him threatening to come out as anger forms and creeps inside him.

"I`m still not satisfied" you retorted emphasizing each word that is coming out of your lips. 

Takara Nakajima is one of the most corrupted Lawyers under Gongpyeong law firm has the dirtiest secret and dirt under their family`s name, the enemy of Ferrante`s. One of the cases you need to solve without any of your relatives knowing except for your one adopted cousin Johnny Jun Suh also distinguished as John Ivano Ferrante American/Korean, an Italian citizen.

"Where are you at 10:00 PM when the victim is rape?" His lawyer asked pacing back in forth waiting for the employer to answer.

"Again I will ask you where are you at exactly 10:00 PM when the victim is rape?" the lawyer questioned the employer again you can see that the employer is fidgeting his fingers and his eyes wandering the room one of the signs that he can be guilty.

"I-I`m home that night I didn`t do anything I didn`t put drugs in her drinks," the employer asserted.

"Objection your honor, Under sexual violence prevention and victims protection act, article 36 any person who dismisses a victim from employment or takes any other measure unfavorable to a victim, in violation of Article 8, shall be punished by imprisonment with labor. In the sexual violence prevention and victims protection act, article 8 No employer shall dismiss any victim or take any other unfavorable measure against him or her on the ground that he or she is the victim of sexual violence and this is what exactly what the employer doing now" you glance at the employer who is accused of doing sexual assault and attempted rape still contradicting what he has done.

"And let me ask one question please allow me your honor" you face the judge waiting for his approval.

"Let`s hear it" the judge simply said and you bow at him.

"No one, not even the police or anyone talks about you putting drugs on her drink, or perhaps you really did?" you ask the employer with anticipation waiting for him to reveal the truth and justice will be served.

"I didn`t, I said I didn`t! byeongsin saekki" the employer said and you glare at him for swearing.

"Your honor this footage from the witness will prove that he's guilty of the accusation that he`s getting" you fight back and you give the flash drive to them and insert it.

"Your honor we decline to accept this evidence!" the lawyer of the defendant said.

"It`s still evidence from the witness you have no choice," you said crossing your arms.

"Quiet! let`s watch the evidence" the judge proclaims making you all stop.

They watch the video of the girl being hauled in a dark place and how the employer does something very unpleasant and the video finishes again and now you still have the victory.

"Employer 5890 will be punished with imprisonment with labor for not more than three years" the judge announces and finalize it with the victim's family crying for winning the case. You walk out of the court with the cold aura you have going back to your office again.

"Congratulations Y/n or should I say, Chiara Allesandra Ferrante," the person said sarcastically you look at your mortal enemy worst of the worst Takara Nakajima daughter of Nakajima Hiroto owner of Nakajima Enterprises.

"Shut it Nakajima Takara" you rolled your eyes at her purposely bumping your shoulder to hers making her huff.

"Just accept it that you can`t win a single case without bribing the judge how pathetic of you Na.Ka.Ji.Ma" you emphasize her surname with a mocking tone making sure she heard it even though you`re not facing her.

"What did you just say? Apologize now!" Takara is a partner in the Gongpyeong law firm and one of the bossiest ones.

"Mi dispiace, patetico moccioso" you purposely said it since she`s Japanese and she won`t be able to understand that you say "I`m sorry you pathetic brat." you leave her with a teasing grin tainted in your lips.

"What did you just say!?" Takara said stomping her feet to the ground.

"Goodbye," you sing while walking away from her.

You open the door of your office startled by Johnny who is admiring your office, you promptly ran in his direction and hug him as tight as you could. Johnny Suh or John Ivano is not just someone who is adopted for you, you see him as an older brother and a best friend. He is one of the best lawyers in the country and also known worldwide, renowned, and acknowledge as John Ivano Ferrante. Raised by two Italian couples at the age of 3, his parents died in a car accident the cause is still not solved after years of striving for justice to be served. But there is one saying in the Ferrante clan; Never trust anybody because you can find faults and sin even in the most righteous person.

"Ivano!" you jumped to him making him carry you in his arms while you`re clinging to him like a koala.

"Johnny, just call me Johnny" he let out a breathy chortle removing you from his tight grasp shuffling your hair the height difference didn`t help at all.

"Don`t mess up my hair my hairstylist is not available right now, you know Ivano" you emphasize his name teasingly because he doesn`t like to be called Ivano in private unless you called him John.

"Then stop calling me Ivano I`m Johnny okay? want me to spell it out for you?" Johnny raised his eyebrows at you while crossing his arms.

"Fine, fine sorry" you grin at him and shove him off of your chair to sit in it comfortably.

"So? when did you come back? you should have told me you know" you rant at him opening your laptop to explicate to him the new plan that you two have been plotting for approximately 5 years.

"I just got here yesterday night, what`s with the change of plan?" Johnny asked, making his self comfortable on the couch in front of you.

" We can`t stick to the old plan it might affect the others if we continue it so I change it, here look" Johnny stood up from his seat to move to your table and check the new plan.

"Illegal drugs transaction to sexual attraction?" Johnny read it with a furrowed eyebrows analyzing all of the pictures.

"Yes, Nakajima has been selling and importing drugs tricking their clients to buy it by using sexual attraction it`s been going on since the 2000s there are 5 lawyers who fight for this case but Nakajima is always playing the game dirty" you explain to him solemnly, showing him different files and pictures.

"I did some research about them last week the drug dealing is still going on around, we`re still finding Tajimamori Yamamoto one of their oldest lawyer and the most trusted. In the year 1998 Tajimamori fight for the Nakajima case until in the year 2000, Tajimamori just suddenly disappear out of nowhere without any traces. He`s the ace card that we need to find" Johnny explains tapping his fingers on the table, eyebrows furrowed.

"We don`t have much time left, we need to finish this within 6 months we can`t afford to lose this time" you lean back to your chair pinching your nose bridge.

Once this case opens up and once you win the case the Nakajima will fall, Takara Nakajima, you better get ready.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold," you said while clasping your hands together.

"Va servito freddo, that`s the spirit Y/n" Johnny smirk and so did you, without Johnny, this thing will be absurdity and nothing.

"Since you win a new case today lunch is on me c`mon let`s go," Johnny said and you take your purse and clung your arms to his, flashing him a bright smile.

Johnny drives into a nearby restaurant pulling up his car to the parking area when your phone opens by itself with a vibrate. Sign that someone is calling you, you look at Johnny and he nods at you as a gesture to answer the phone. He still didn`t turn off the ignition so you stay in the car and answer the phone.

"Hello? who is this?" you stated through the phone pretending that you don`t know the person calling you.

"Hi, I`m the Information hacker that you`ve called last week I just landed in Korea, can you tell me where I can meet you? I`m in your office right now." the person answered you playing along with your silly joke.

"Oh yeah, I`m in a nearby restaurant I`ll send you the address please feel free to join us for lunch," you said politely to the phone and ended it, you send the address and you go in with Johnny.

"Is that the Information hacker?" Johnny asked with a little off tone in his voice.

"Yeah, I invited him for lunch" you answered him and he only nodded.

"Ms. Ferrante?" you and Johnny heard someone called your name and you stood up from your sit to greet the person.

"It was nice to meet you" you greet him and he gives you a smile showing his whites pearly.

"The pleasure is mine," the guy said back and you smile at him.

"My name is..." the guy was about to Introduced himself when Johnny hastily cut him off.

"Ten Adriano Rossi" Johnny said while wiping his lips with a napkin.

"How did you know him?" you look at Johnny curiously, gesturing Ten to seat with a jaunty grin.

"Don`t you recognize him? he`s ten!" Johnny said calmly.

"Ten lee!?" you exclaimed acting like you don`t know him and he smiled at you opening his arms for you to hug him.

"I`m still here you know?" Johnny cleared his throat and rolled his eyes at you and Ten.

"Okay, okay no more funny business and let`s proceed to the plan," Ten said.

Johnny explained all of the new plans to Ten including the outline of the goals, objectives, measurements, action steps, and responsibilities for each step and negotiation.

"Here`s the information that you need about Tajimamori Yamamoto, he`s seen last week at Osaka and Tokyo and he soon flies to Toronto, Canada." Ten spoke and he settled the brown envelope on the table making sure no one is listening or looking at your conversation.

"Also, yesterday I was hacking the system of Nakajima enterprises but when this confidential file suddenly showed up, I think it`s the record of the money they have been Illegally pocketing," Ten said, sipping the coffee from the cup. The serious look never fading from his face.

"We should keep all of this evidence in a private place where we can easily find it but no one can, once we puzzled this informations and evidence we can open up the case against them with solid evidence that can make them fall," Johnny responded.

Get ready Nakajima the person who will destroy you is already plotting your worst nightmare, Il karma è un boomerang, il mio amato nemico; "karma is a boomerang, my beloved enemy."

Johnny and Ten excuses themselves for a minute to talk about something more private leaving you alone to clear your mind, when renjun`s number pops up on your phone screen. You didn`t answer it at first maybe he was just gonna ask you to buy something on your way home, it`s the 5th time he`s been calling you and it`s like he doesn`t want to stop until you answer. So, you finally answer the phone.

"Y/n!? what the fuck!? I`ve been calling you!" Renjun said through the phone the stress and nervousness in his voice are obvious.

"Watch your language Renjun, what is this time?" you asked him with a stern voice.

"Y/n, you need to get home we have a problem it`s hard to explain just go home right now okay?" Renjun said and he quickly cut the call.

You texted Johnny that you will go home first and he replied "Drive safe" that`s enough for you, you quickly drive to your home it`s a minute drive from the restaurant to home but you could care less how fast you`re driving right now. You know Renjun more than anyone, by just the tone of his voice you already know that something is off. Getting out of the car, you open the door of your house with Renjun behind Doyoung while pacing back and forth biting the tip of his finger.

"What`s going on!?" you asked them, sitting on the couch with heavy breathing.

"Doyoung, Hyung accidentally hack our own system, and the tax evasion record of Tremblay corp is locked and can`t be open" Renjun explained while Doyoung is fully focusing on the computer his finger tapping it so fast.

"What!? Kim Doyoung!" you said his name a little louder making him face you.

"Eojjeorago!? If Haechan is not being an ass and if he didn`t annoy me earlier I wouldn't have accidentally hacked our system!" Doyoung said, asking you what do you want him to do about it a little louder than yours.

"Geuraeso mwo!? I was telling you about the codes but you keep shoving me off!" Haechan fight back and Renjun and you sit there pinching your nose bridge in unison.

"Yah! you two come here now!" you exclaimed a little higher and louder than usual, the two of them stand in front of you and you stood up from your sit grabbing your handbag. At first, you calmly smile at them before hitting them lightly with your bag making them ran away and you chase them.

"Kim Doyoung! Lee Haechan! get your ass in here!" you yelled at them and their playful laugh is only what you heard.

"Y/n, calm down!" Renjun yelled while the three of you, Doyoung, and Haechan is running around the living room.

"Wait, let me explain okay!? Mianhe" Doyoung stops running holding his hands to his chest breathing heavily with Haechan. While Renjun is just standing there his hands resting on his hips stifling his laughter.

"Fine! and you two Johnny and Ten!" you glare at them, Johnny gulps and so did Ten awkwardly scratching their neck.

"You said that you`re just gonna talk in private but why are you two here!?  you two went here first leaving me there!" you grab the pillow and throw it at them luckily they dodge it.

"Now explain" you sat back on the couch a sigh escaping your lips while rubbing your temple softly.

Doyoung explained everything about the system and how he can claim it back in just a few minutes and that`s enough to ease your worries. Of course, you trust Doyoung so much he`s like your sibling but losing all of the confidential files is different.

"Yun-o, this is the information we gathered about Chiara Allesandra Ferrante she`s also known as Y/n," Yuta said and he leaves the office when another person enters the door.

"Stop investigating her, you will get nothing" Johnny glares at Yun-o who is peacefully sipping the wine.

"Why? is it because she`s your cousin or maybe something else?" Yun-o dropped the envelope on the table chuckling at his response at Johnny.

"Stop putting any malice about me being protective to her will you? Jaehyun il ragazzo innamorato" Johnny tease him by calling him il ragazzo innamorato;"The lover boy"

"Well, stai zitto Ivano" Jaehyun tease back making Johnny glared at him again. stai zitto Ivano; "Shut up Ivano"

Jaehyun or Yun-o owner of Neo tech enterprises, one of the most successful men in South Korea, a pile of girls ready to get in his pants and ready to risk everything just for him. Jaehyun has a visual like Goddess if you`re gonna describe perfection many will use him as an example. Looks, style, professionalism, maturity you can see it all in him.

"I`m warning you Jaehyun," Johnny said seriously taking another sip of wine from his glass.

"I won`t do anything I swear" Jaehyun patted his best friend's shoulder going back to his seat.

"How`s the branch in New york going?" Jaehyun brought up the conversation about their joint company.

"It`s doing good, nothing bad so far but we might get ready we don`t know what will happen. I guess you know what I`m talking about since you`re investigating Y/n" Johnny responded, leaning to his seat with eyes shut. A lot is going on in his mind these days, and half of it is you.

"Well, we are well prepared for that. Just tell me whenever you need my help and by the way, I met Mr. Tremblay last week he seems like he`s in a hurry so we don`t have much time to talk" Jaehyun said staring into a space in his room going deep in his thoughts.

"Yeah, and I heard that his son is hitting on Y/n, his son is an amateur piece of shit," Johnny said letting out a "tsk" gulping down the wine he's drinking making Jaehyun sneer at Johnny.

"Jealousy, dude" Jaehyun tantalized.

"Shut up!" Johnny groaned.

"Ms. Ferrante you need to go with us!" The door of your office suddenly opens with a loud bang making you jolt in your sit and so did Kun.

"What!? this is absurd" Kun defended you holding your wrist preventing the officer from dragging you away.

"No, Kun it`s okay just call Johnny it`ll be fine," you said calmly before grabbing your bag, the police officer assisting you to follow them.

"I`ll come with you," Kun said keeping up with your pace of the walk.

Everyone outside the building is looking at you, sparing you one glance whispering to their partner's ears. Is gossiping a new trend now? it`s funny how people will talk about you and judge you easily when you just show them the part of you that you want them to see and they will act like they know the whole story of your life.

Arriving at the station the officer asked you to sit down so the interview will start.

"We`ll go straight to the point Ms. Ferrante, someone pointed out that you have been selling drugs and there`s one found in your car yesterday. We can finish this up if you cooperated with us" the police interrogated you, showing the evidence.

"I don`t sell drugs, I don`t do drugs, I never keep one," you said rolling your eyes.

"Then what is this then? a laundry powder?" the police ask sarcastically.

"Guarda, I`m not here so just you can tell and ask your not so lame jokes I said what I said, and can I possibly know who reported this bullshit?" you ask squinting your eyes at the officer, you`re not really like this but since you`re stress and for a woman who has a lot of works to do. This interview is a burden.

"Pick up, pick up, fucking pick up!" Kun grew impatient when Johnny is not answering his calls and messages after trying and trying Johnny finally answered the phone.

"Kun take it easy I`m with Jaehyun right now" and Johnny can feel that Kun has an irritated emotion written on his face right now.

"Yeah, you`re with Jaehyun right now while Y/n and I are in the police station right now uhuh," Kun said.

"Come here right now we need you" and then he ends the call waiting outside until the interview ends.

Hours have passed and the interrogating is still going on and Kun is still waiting for you. Johnny finally arrived, fixing the suit that he`s wearing he asked Kun where you are and he assists Johnny inside.

"John Ivano Ferrante, I`m Y/n`s lawyer," Johnny said full of professionalism.

They settled the problem after almost another 1 hour they finally let you leave. Out of curiosity and frustration wondering who decided to frame you. Of course, Takara is one of the options but maybe there is someone else.

"Can I ask who reported me?" letting out a hiss you ask the officer that arrested you.

"No" the officer simply responded to your question and Johnny holds your right arms. Johnny and you are ready to leave but you still want to know who it is so you turn around again.

"won`t you really gonna tell me?" you ask one more time and that`s enough for Johnny to drag you along with him.

"C`mon let`s go" Johnny drag you along with him but you keep removing his grip.

"One last question, please?" you look at Johnny with puppy eyes but it didn`t work so you stop it and stand straight walking out by yourself but before that, you punch his arms lightly enough for him to hold his arms before walking out.

"I hate you" and Johnny only smiles at himself like a fool before following you outside.

You walk outside and took a deep breath, you look for Kun only to see him leaning in Johnny`s car. You walk to him and he smiles at you.

"Thank you," you said at him.

"Kun, can you drive Y/n home for me? I gotta go somewhere," Johnny said giving Kun the key car. Sparing you a glance but you didn`t bother looking at him back, as if he`s not in front of you.

You go home with Kun the two of you use Johnny`s car and you`re worried about him you really do. The rain keeps pouring and it`s getting darker, more hours pass and you grew more worried the rain is getting heavy. You`re thinking how Johnny will get home in this weather, you lean your head against the windowpane the raindrops sliding outside of the pane when you see a glimpse of a familiar figure.

You ran downstairs as fast as you could grabbing a soft towel with you before opening the door. It`s Johnny, Johnny is soaked wet his hair sticking out in every direction possible, a cut in the lips, and bleeding knuckles. You look up at him with worried eyes and he smiled at you. You don`t know what to say but your next action makes him feel at ease, you hug him your chest touching his. The skin contact that makes him feel comfort.

"What happened?" you asked, you don`t know why you are tearing up when he`s the one in pain. He caressed your face softly and he still didn`t say anything. You invited him inside because it`s his home too. You hold his wrist guiding him in one of the rooms, you don`t know if it`s your room but you could care less until you put an ointment and bandage in his wounds. You make Johnny sit on the bed and handed him a towel while you go in the bathroom to get the things you needed.

You slowly applied the ointment on Johnny`s lips where the cut is while your hands are slightly shaking, not minding the tears that are brimming out of your eyes. You next hold his hands to yours softly and more tear brim in your eyes, you`re so weak when it comes to Johnny and you don`t know what to feel about it.

"I-I`ll do it," Johnny said removing his hands from yours before you grab it again.

"No! I`ll do it!" you said through your sobs, wiping your tears away.

"I can do..." you didn`t let Johnny what he was about to say because you know what it is.

"No! I`ll do it, you said you`re just gonna go somewhere but why do you have this cut and wounds in your body!? I hate it!" you said letting it out as your sobs get louder and Johnny only stayed silent. You covered his knuckles with a bandage softly while he let out a loud hiss.

"You`re strong but why do you let your body take all of this!? you know I hate it when something like this happens to you" you exclaimed tears are still falling from your eyes, you touch the cut on his lips again making him hiss.

The two of you stare at each other for a brief moment and Johnny brushes away the strands of hair that are covering your face when your emotion took over you. Your lips landed on his soft ones with your eyes closed he didn`t kiss back, you`re about to pull away when he holds your nape kissing you back. The two of you stay like that for a fleeting moment.

The two of you pulled away forehead resting on one another when the bedsheet cover suddenly moves revealing Ten with a teasing grin making you pull away from Johnny.

"Is it necessary to make out in my room?" Ten asked still wearing the annoying teasing grin on his face.

"S-shut up!" you said and you walk out of the room leaving Johnny and Ten alone.

"How is it?" Ten didn`t stop teasing Johnny so he grabs the pillow and throws it at ten softly before plopping down at the bed letting his body sink in it.

You open the door of your room and you straightly go to your bed burying your face at the pillow out of embarrassment, tossing around the bed messing it up.

"Did you just kiss your cousin? did you just kiss Johnny Suh? It`s okay, right? the two of us are not blood-related anyways so nothing to worry about yes? no?" burying your face on the pillow once again letting out a muffled scream.

The boys decided to have dinner all at once at home so they ordered food for all of you they start calling you, you just keep answering "Okay" so they decided to stop when your stomach makes a grumbling noise. You open the door of your room only to see Johnny`s fist in the air may be to knock? and you look down.

"A-about earlier" you`re about to apologize to Johnny when he cuts you off.

"It`s okay don`t flutter yourself," Johnny said with a smile and you go downstairs with him.

"Don`t Flutter? who said I`m fluttering myself!?" you scoffed and walk past him closing your eyes for a moment from embarrassment.

"Hey, wait up!" Johnny said grabbing your shoulders.

"Let me walk with you" he added.

The rest of you gathered in the dining room. Laughter, warmth, comfort, are filling up the whole room. Oh, gosh you know how much you miss this after almost a year of not being complete you on the times where you only have Renjun, Jaemin, and Haechan besides you.

"This pizza tastes delicious don`t you think so?" you nodded and giggled, your cheeks stuffed with pizza. All of you are laughing that you didn`t even realize who`s the person beside you, you stay silent for a moment before y`all turn your head once again to the person beside you.

"Mark Lee!" you exclaimed locking him with a tight hug.

"Dude, I can`t breath," Mark said tapping your back lightly and you back away.

"Sorry I got carried away" you beam at him and every one of them hugs him what a beautiful and pleasant event.  

"Announcement! we`re all having a party tomorrow so don`t miss out, I`ll tell y`all the location" Mark happily announced, and y`all cheered stuffing your mouth with food.

You excuse yourself to talk with Mark in private, the two of you sat in the living room looking around before proceeding to talk. Mark looks at you with confused eyes.

"So, what`s going on with Mr. Tremblay?" You asked Mark and now he finally understands.

"About that, he`s company is not doing well plus his son keeps asking me about you that I can`t even go on with a day without him asking me things about you since I sign a partnership with them," Mark answered with a sigh before pulling you into a hug and you rest your head to his arms.

"Is Takara invited to the party?" you ask him while you stare at the ceiling and he plays with your hair.

"Yes, she`s Invited" Mark simply responded.

"Can I ask you a favor for tomorrow?" you asked while looking back up at him.

"Sure, what is it?" you smiled at him for agreeing at first he didn`t buy the idea but there`s no way he can say no to you.

"Thank you, Mark!" you cheered.

"Papà! you should`ve decline! out of all people why Takara!?" you barged in your father`s office throwing a tantrum as soon as you go face to face with him.

"Don`t raise voice at me Y/n! I`m still your father" your father defends which makes you more frustrated.

"Papà! you know that we can`t have any connection with them when it comes to running a company! this might ruin my plan why did you let them sign the contract!" you can`t help but raise your voice frustration is creeping inside you and you can`t help but let it out.

"Trust me Y/n this will help you sooner or later you will realize it," your father said. How can he be so calm when you`re out here in front of him letting your frustration out.

"Cazzo! this is ridiculous!" you fight back.

"Watch your language Y/n!" you had enough and you don`t think you can go on with this conversation.

"I`m done okay? I`m done!" you left your father`s office angrily closing the door walking fast not caring if anyone is looking.

Your father just makes a contract of partnership with Nakajima`s that makes you infuriated early in the morning. How can he sign an agreement with them?

"Did I just mention the plan to my father!? No, don`t worry Y/n he won`t get it" you talk to yourself taking a deep breath before entering your car, you called Johnny and tell him to meet you in your office in an hour.

"Why did you call me here?" Johnny asked while leaning in the doorway.

"Nice timing let`s go and help me find a dress to wear" you dragged him with you.

Johnny keeps whining about how you can ask for Wendy`s help but you keep shutting him from talking, you tried so many dresses and he keeps saying no which makes you pissed off. You choose a dress a long one and a short one for an option you bought it, it was color red you choose the long one with a deep sidecut that shows the skin of your legs.

Arriving at the party it`s fabulous and it`s full of people around your age mid-20s and the ones in their 20s you spend the whole night drinking when this beautiful handsome man approaches you.

"Pleasure to meet you I`m Jung Jaehyun," He said offering his hands for you to shake it.

"Ciara Allessandra Ferrante but I`m more comfortable being called Y/n plus don`t act dumb I know you. I`m not a fool I know you hire someone to follow me and investigate me, I know by this time you know all of my plans but don`t worry I know you're trustworthy, and you`re friends with my friends." you took his hands to yours and you gladly shake it.

"Jaehyun? I`ve been looking for you" you heard a familiar voice and you`re completely sure it`s Johnny.

"Chill," Jaehyun said with a smile.

"Ciao Y/n I hope you will like my April fools surprise," she said slipping away the wine your holding.

Takara already left and the whole place gets full and crowded with businessmen, suddenly everyone becomes quiet when the news starts playing.

"Breaking news the well-known CEO and Founder of Phoenix corporation have been found dead at exactly 8:30 PM in his house there`s still no answer what is the cause of death" everyone gasp and you can feel a tear escaping your eyes.

"Papà, this is not real!" you said and you walk out of the party going to your dad but Johnny prevented you from doing so.

"Let go!" you said removing his grasp and he holds you tight to his embrace.

"Your father asked me a favor to not make you see him, he wants you to see him when he`s in the coffin" you didn`t hug him back but you keep crying.

"He`s still my father Johnny I want to see him!" you fight back pushing him through his chest but he won't budge. Of course, he`s stronger than you.

"Let`s go home tomorrow you`ll see him" Johnny whispered at you and you can see Jaehyun looking at you with pity in his eyes.

"You!" you point at Jaehyun.

"Me?" he answered.

"Yes, you who else?" you talk.

"I want you to join us I know that`s your whole point of investigating me anyway," you said sternly and they all look at you.

"What?" you rolled your eyes at them.

"Tomorrow we have something to do, we`ll make our first move of the plan starting tomorrow I can`t tolerate this anymore after what Nakajimas do to my father.

You throw the glass of wine you`re holding in the wall staining it red, your hands holding tight the table with fire eyes in your eyes throwing daggers anger, guilt, and sorrow that`s all you can feel right now.

"It`s hard to enter that place unless you`re a guess they will let you in mostly couples. So, we need you and Jaehyun to pretend like the two of you are a couple" Jeno spoke you`re about to complain but Johnny already did.

"Couple!? them!?" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, anything wrong with that?" Jeno questioned.

"Nothing" he responded almost whining.

The whole planning already finishes and you`re in your room with Johnny laying in your bed comfortably tossing around.

"I don`t get it out of all people in this house why you and Jaehyun?" Johnny complains while you dry your hair.

"There`s nothing wrong with that plus I think Jaehyun kinda look handsome" you try to test the water and how he would react.

"Yeah, right whatever do whatever you want"  Johnny rolled his eyes and you giggled at his response.

"Jealous now are we?" you teased.

"Me Jealous? no way" he said facing the other side of the bed.

"How about we date? I mean it`s not like we`re blood-related we can easily cut ties and we can announce it for the world to know after we make the Nakajimas fall. Sounds good yeah? no?" you ask him seriously and he faces you.

"Really? like for real? but I`m 2 years older than you thought" he said caressing your face softly.

"It`s not like we have a big age gap, why don`t we try it?" you talked scooting closer to him.

"I don`t see why not?" he replied and you smiled at him.

"Does this mean we`re official?" Johnny asks you.

"Yes, baby," you said teasingly.

"Call me that again," he said back.

"No way" you replied and he hugs you, you spend the whole night with Johnny and the two of you surely have fun. It`s doing okay until Kun decided to barge in your room without even knocking.

"We found Tajimamori Yamamoto he`s currently in Tokyo right now, Johnny we need to fly to Tokyo this might be the last chance that we have to find him," Kun said showing the taken picture of Tajimamori leaving his car.

"We`ll fly tomorrow morning we need Jungwoo to come with us, get everything ready" Johnny responds as you stay quiet.

"Go and pack your things, Kun I`ll book you a flight" you talk and Johnny looks at you before standing up.

"I`ll help you pack your things" you added and he gave you a peck on the lips.

"How many days do you think you will stay there?" you ask him.

"For at least 5 days or 7," he answered.

"Take care make sure you come back without any scars I don`t want to lose you like my dad" you softly said, caressing his face to your hands.

You helped Johnny pack his things and you already book them a flight that will leave tomorrow morning. You slept in Johnny`s room and you make sure to embrace him because you can`t see him personally for at least 5 days or 7.

You wake up without Johnny by your side instead you wake up with Doyoung and Haechan bickering outside the room door, you tried to cover your ears with the pillow but you decided that it`ll be better if you stand up and stop them.

"Finally you wake up! go and take a bath we have a lot of things to do today" Ten said pushing you to your room as you watch the house gets chaotic every second.

"Tax evasion, Illegal drug dealing, murder, sexual assault. We can sue them by using this plus we have Tajimamori as a witness" you explain, gripping the marker your holding too hard that it makes your palms white.

"I can`t hack the system of Nakajima the file that holds their tax evasion can`t be open I need to be somewhere close to them," Ten said along with Doyoung, all of you think of a way to hack their system.

"Tremblay, Tremblay corp! we can enter Mr. Tremblay's office easily since he`s in Canada I heard that he will be back this Saturday. Mark, you can help us right? you're the only one who is closest to him" you talk as you wait for Mark`s answer.

"Yes, that`ll be easy since his secretary knows me. After that, we can finally file the case and go on, but the only problem is that Jungwoo texted me that they`re having a hard time since they land in Japan. Tajimamori seems to notice that they`re following him" Mark let out a sigh and so did you.

"Can we stop this for a moment there`s nothing but a problem here since I arrived," Mark said which makes you slightly offended at his statement?

"What did you just say?" you asked him with a stern voice.

"Look, Im tired okay?" Mark groaned.

"Neither am I but did you ever hear me complain!?" you fight back.

"Everything is not about you! not everything revolves around you so please if you don`t mind I`ll excuse myself for a moment" Mark leaves the room frustrated, he doesn`t know what`s wrong with him but he knows it`s wrong to let out his anger and frustration at you when you feel just the same way as him. He`s not been himself this fast few days because of what happened to your late father who treats him like he is his own son.

"Y`all can rest if you want, you can leave too if you want to, just say it you all know that I`m not forcing y`all into this," you speak softly before leaving the room with a small smile but deep inside you`re hurt.

You took a deep breath after leaving the room you saw Mark in the living room, you tried avoiding his gaze scared that he`s still not in the mood to talk. He`s watching the TV and you stop in your track when you heard the news, you look at the TV and you can see Wendy`s house and they blurred the body, you know it`s Wendy just by the body you know it`s her out of all people why does the world decide to be cruel to you.

"No, no, not her please tell me it`s not her" you broke down in tears as Mark catches you in his arms, you fell to your knees as your sobs et louder while Mark tries to comfort you. Jaehyun watch what`s happening in front of him, he does feel bad for you. You ran upstairs and grab your keys going outside with others trying to prevent you from leaving.

"Y/n, stop!" Mark`s hold your wrist while you look at him with teary eyes.

"No, Mark I have to see my best friend please, please let go" you remove his grip and he stays quiet as he watches your small figure enter your car.

You arrived at the hospital where you see your best friend's cold and pale body.

"How can they be so heinous!? why do they have to kill you!?" you cry in front of your best friend`s lifeless body.

"Just let it out" you look at the person beside you and it`s Jaehyun, did he follow you? you wiped your tears away standing back up.

"Why did you follow me?" you asked.

"Because you`re not in the right condition right now and I know there`s a lot more going on in your minds" you look at him, his side profile is surely attractive and also comforting.

"Thank you Jaehyun I know I just met you personally last week but I mean it" you spoke softly and he smiled, facing you, he holds you by your shoulders crouching down a little making an eye to eye level.

"It`s okay, I know you for a year now because of the investigation thingy I hope that doesn`t make you uncomfortable that I brought that up," He said showing his attractive smile.

"Forget about the couple thingy that we have to pretend I already talk to Mark, just like what he said earlier we can easily enter Mr. Tremblay`s office so try to worry less okay?" Jaehyun tries to comfort you as much as he can. The two of you go around the town making you forget about everything, you wish you can be with Johnny at a time like this but you know he`s in Japan.

Three days have passed and you grew closer with Jaehyun, you expect Johnny to arrive tonight because they finally persuade Tajimamori to be the witness.

It`s past midnight and still no sign of Johnny so you decided to wait a little more until you just decided to go to bed and welcome him tomorrow morning.

"Babe? baby wake up" you slightly open your eyes because you feel someone poking your cheeks, your eyes are still blurry so can`t see the person clearly.

"Johnny?" you whispered.

"Yeah, it`s me sorry for waking you up I just need to hear your voice" you smile at his sweetness before going back to sleep.

"Go inside I`ll wait here," Mark said, looking left to the right to check if anyone sees you and Jaehyun entering.

"Doyoung, Ten? we`re in" you said connecting the device they gave you to the pc. They started doing what they have to do as you watch closely when you can feel the cold metal in your neck.

"Jaehyun, what are you doing?" freezing at your position.

"Nothing, it`s just so funny how you trust me so easily Y/n" He let out a chortle.

"What do you really want?" you question with your eyes close.

"I`m the one who should ask you that, you said you want revenge but your revenge is too boring why don`t we spice it up a bit hmm?" Jaehyun spoke while you stay still.

"What do you want me to do then? Kill Takara?" you don`t where you get that kind of braveness because these days you`ve been down.

"Exactly, how about we do that just the two of us?" Jaehyun removes the blade that threatening to cut your skin.

Doyoung and Ten finish what they`re doing and you leave the building along with Mark, everyone that there`s something very different from how you`re acting since you leave the building but they didn`t mention it.

"Make sure to keep your promise" you whispered at Jaehyun.

"I love you" Johnny whispered at you.

"I love you too," you said back.

"I want the world to know that you`re mine, you want that too baby?" Johnny said kissing your neck, softly marking you.

"Johnny please," you said with temptation in your voice.

"Please what baby?" Johnny asked you with a seductive voice.

"I want you inside me, I want you to touch me and make me feel so good" you whine making him let out a breathy chuckle at your eagerness.

"Will do princess" he answered.

That night you and Johnny take your time with feeling each other as if there`s no tomorrow for it.

After that night you have been very distant to Johnny and almost everyone in the house can perceive it. You want to distance yourself because you don`t want him to be hurt so it`ll be better this way, it`s better this way. You keep convincing your day every single day that almost every day you argue with him because that`s the only way you can push him away, you want him not to love you anymore.

Today you saw Johnny with a girl and you can`t help but get jealous but what can you do? he`s still your boyfriend. Of course, you will get jealous but why now when you`re pushing him away.

"I told you already she`s an old colleague! nothing more!" Johnny said with a pissed voice.

"Yeah right, an old colleague who loves touching you did you even see yourself earlier you just let her!" you fight back with a loud voice that the boys outside can hear the two of you arguing.

"What kind of boyfriend do that!?" you continued.

"Woah, then what kind of girlfriend accused his own boyfriend of cheating when it`s not even real!" Johnny retorted making you quiet because it`s true and you don`t have anything about that.

"See? I`m right you keep pushing me off! you can`t even look me in the eyes these days and it`s making me sick, thinking what I have done to make you act like this. It`s so fucking tiring!" he retorted as he slammed the door when he leaves your room.

Everyone keeps themselves busy as if they never heard the argument between you and Johnny. Yes, they`re shocked about the relationship between you and him but it`s not their business to interfere.

You cry yourself to sleep while Johnny gets drunk to sleep, tomorrow is the day where you`re gonna meet up with Jaehyun in the place where the two of you talked about.

"I don`t get it! she keeps pushing me away and it hurts! do you know what I`m fucking saying Jaehyun!?" He said drinking beer to beer nonstop as Jaehyun watch his friend get drunk not even stopping him but why?

"Just give her some time maybe she`s tired" Jaehyun responded.

"I always do that but why is it not enough!?" Johnny cried out.

"Envious causes jealousy and jealousy causes hatred, hatred turns Treacherous causing sins to one another," you said letting out a sarcastic chortle. 

"Revenge, you said you want your revenge and I`m more than happy and dreadful to help you" his eyes are flaming and burning fire the beast inside him threatening to come out as anger forms and creeps inside him.

"I`m still not satisfied" you retorted emphasizing each word that is coming out of your lips. 

"You drag me into this, this heinous sin that you`ve started is burning inside me. Now, everything doesn`t satisfy me anymore" you yelled the tension getting thicker and thicker. 

"Even though you`re gonna kill me you will get nothing, justice is in my palms in this accursed world," Takara intruded your arguing with Jaehyun, writhing her tied body on the chair. 

"Kill me!" Takara said shooting you a bloodshot glare that only makes your enjoyment alive as you slowly walk towards her with a gun in your hand. 

"Takara, Takara, Takara, you see this? this Russian pistol is what I`m going to use to kill you so don`t try me. Now, what part of your body should I shoot first? back of the head, chest, or maybe your mouth it`ll be more enjoyable that way honey. Oh, another idea maybe I should just strangle you to death" you give her face a few taps on her cheeks the leer in your eyes never leaving hers while she hitches her breath scared that any minute you can pull the trigger on her. 

"You have no conscience, do you?" Takara spoke again with a smirk forming on her lips making you more annoyed and tempted to kill her. 

"Of course I don`t, because you know what? It`s a pity the law doesn`t allow me to be merciful that`s what Javert said in Les Miserables and that`s literally me right now you Figlio di puttana!" you cursed breathily giving her a devilish grin making her slap you with her one free hand holding your face you glare at her, anger building up inside you. 

"Merde! do that again and I`ll kill you!" you hold her side to side eyes widening but Takara only laughs at you and you slap her too before you turn your back at her. 

"fuzakeru na! kill me so you can live longer and live in sorrow, happiness doesn`t exist in the world we`re born but the pain does" she shout with anger in her voice and now she reaches your limit.

"I know, want me to end your pain? then I will, I`ll make sure you suffer and Roth in hell! I will let you know what it feels like to be ripped every single day just like what you did to my best friend when she`s the only one who can understand me in this accursed world! you won`t be here if isn`t for your family`s greed, jealousy, and hatred towards mine!" You shout back pointing the gun at her turning back around to face her.

"A fanabla! Takara" you pull the trigger and shoot her straight at her chest making you fell on your knees with tears brimming in your eyes.

"Why am I even crying?" you wiped your tears away as you slowly stood up and spit to your side. 

"You want it, you get it. Ciao Takara" you laugh smirk is drawn on your lips as you walk out of the abandoned place with Jaehyun while whistling like a psycho.

"Nice shoot out there" you`re startled by Jaehyun`s voice you thought Johnny was the one using your bathroom but when you turned around you`re eye to eye with Jaehyun water droplets falling from his abs with a towel covering his torso down.

"What the fuck are you doing here!?" you said eyes widening.

"Using your bathroom obviously" he answered coming closer to you.

"and who permitted you to use it!? get out!" you pushed him away but he put his shirt back on luckily his wearing his shorts under his towel only to come closer dangerously close that you can feel his hot breath panning to yours.

You back away until the back of your knees hit the bed making you fall with Jaehyun hovering above you, you know this is wrong and you need to stop Jaehyun.

"Stop!" you keep moving away from him but before you can push him the door suddenly burst open with Johnny looking at the two of you his eyes screaming anger, jealousy, hate, and sadness he feels betrayed. He drops the bouquet on the floor grabbing Jaehyun by his collar.

"I trusted you, you bastard!" Johnny was about to throw a punch on Jaehyun when you stop him.

"Baby no it`s not like that, it`s not what you think it is" you plead, holding his arms.

"So, this is the reason why you`ve been so distant to me lately huh?" Johnny glares at you, this is the first time you see him this fuming mad.

"What the fuck!? of course not!" you defended.

Within a second he throws a punch at Jaehyun which Jaehyun gives back at him you tried to stop them but they are much stronger compared to you.

"Johnny please stop" you shout at them making them stop from gripping each other.

Johnny fixes his clothes giving you a painful glance before leaving, why the fuck are you crying when Johnny is the one in pain right now. You quickly follow him not giving a fuck about Jaehyun.

"Johnny please wait, listen to me please, just please" you plead as you grab a hold of his wrist there`s also a tear escaping his eyes which breaks you more.

"Stop! stop okay? I don`t need any of your explanation" he said coldly before shutting the door of his room.

You stand there dumbfounded with your eyes brimming in tears you go back to your room Jaehyun is trying to apologize but it angers you more, irritating you more, hurting you more.

"Get the fuck out of my sight!" you exclaimed as you push him away.

"I don`t want your apology, your sorry won`t fix anything okay!? now live me the fuck alone!" you`re livid and you`re in your pain. Why are you always the one receiving the pain?

Jaehyun doesn`t say anything anymore leaving you alone, you cried your eyes out. You lost your father, you lost wendy, you lost Johnny. What else do they want to take away from you? sometimes you just wanna sleep and get deep in it so you will never wake up in this realm.

"Johnny listen to me! what you saw there is nothing I swear please, just please at least talk to her. I`m sorry" Jaehyun rub his face using his palms out of stress and frustration while guilt is creeping up in his body.

"Quit with your bullshits! what do you want me to do? believe you after you deceive me by using Y/n? do you think I didn`t know that the two of you killing Takara? Well, fuck this because Y/n didn`t really kill her! It`s Kun" Johnny retorted. Well, Jaehyun is not shocked about Kun killing Takara since he`s an International agent. He glares at Jaehyun who`s speechless at his older friend's outburst.

"Okay, that shit is on me but don`t let it out on her for fuck sake Johnny the one you witness earlier is not what you think it is! I use her bathroom and decided to tease her not seduce her" A sigh escape Johnny`s lips throwing his head back out of mixed emotion.

"Get out I need some time alone" Johnny spoke without looking at his friend, he let his body fall on the mattress running his hands to his face.

You`ve been lying in your bed for a few hours now and so did Johnny making everyone worried and they didn`t even see a single glimpse of Jaehyun. You`re ashamed so ashamed to talk and face them, you`re the one who plans this revenge but you end up ruining it. Of course, you know it`s not you who kill Takara, you heard it from Johnny and there`s nothing more to deny it.

You really want to see him, you really want to feel him, you really want to apologize. Gathering your courage getting a little bit shameless you got up from your bed opening the door you flinch slightly when you see Johnny standing in front of you, his fist in the air maybe he's about to knock? there`s an awkward tension between the two of you. His eyes that full of love every day is now emotionless.

"D-do you want to come in?" you manage to let out but he didn`t say anything.

He cups your face landing his soft lips on yours pulling you back inside your room. He closes the door using his feet, you pull away from him avoiding his intense gaze. He softly touches your chin making you look at him before kissing you again this time it`s passionate and slow. You want him to stop, you really do but you can`t resist him. Within a moment you`re kissing him back too.

A soft moan escapes your lips as you and Johnny let your body fall on the mattress. Johnny hovering above you makes you feel small underneath him it awaken your inner desires. Johnny leaves traces of wet kisses on your neck making you yearn for his touch. He removes his shirt and so did you, throwing it somewhere in the room.

Tongues pressed together in a hot open-mouthed kiss as he kneaded your breast his other hands slowly making it`s way to your clothed core slowly removing it he rub your sensitive clit.

He stops for a moment before pulling away making you whine lightly at the sudden loss of contact. He removes his pants and boxer tossing it somewhere in the room again before positioning himself in between your legs, pushing in slowly his thrust is deep and slow making you moan in pleasure.

"I-I`m sorry" you let out breathily.

His thrust getting a little bit faster making you grip the sheets as he buried his face at the crook of your neck. You know this will be the last time you can feel him this close to you, the last time you can feel his love for you, the last time he will make you feel loved.

"D-don`t stop please" you stuttered out as tears fall from your eyes.

"Don`t cry you know it hurts me too" he kisses your tears away, his thrust getting sloppy as you can feel yourself about to reach your orgasm.

"Baby I`m gonna cum" you moaned gripping him tightly throwing your head back.

"Neither am I, cum for me," he said softly.

He goes to the bathroom to clean you up and getting a shirt in your closet which is his shirt.

"Is this the last time?" you asked him as he slid the shirt in your body before covering you with the blanket.

"Please, I`m sorry. I`ll do anything for you just please don`t leave me you know you`re the only one I have" you cried. You know you still have the others who treat you like their own sister but Johnny is different.

"Y/n our love it`s not just about holding on sometimes it`s about letting go too it`s treacherous if we love each other in this time it can lead to something else" He manages to speak despite of the lump forming in his throat. You sob in his shoulder clutching his shirt not wanting to let go.

"You need to rest, I want you to close your eyes until you heard the door close. Promise me to not open it" you nodded removing your grip on his shirt, you softly lay in your bed. Johnny kissed you on the forehead, you cry more when you can`t feel his warmth close to you anymore.

You heard the soft click of the door closing, you keep your promise you didn`t open your eyes. The memories you made with him flashes in your mind as you fall asleep.

Johnny stops midway before getting his luggage in his room "I love you" he whispered while looking at your room`s door. Proceeding to do his thing with tears brimming out of his eyes.

It`s currently 2:00 AM now and Jaehyun is accompanying Johnny to the airport.

"I`m sorry for what I`ve done I didn`t mean it as that" Jaehyun asks for forgiveness which Johnny gives back with a smile.

"It`s really not your fault and not Y/n`s fault I really have to do this" Johnny said but Jaehyun didn`t get it.

"Do you really have to leave?" Jaehyun asks once again Johnny nodded before leaving his friend alone the smile on his face quickly fades away as sadness took over it.

“I let go because I want you to hold on a little more longer I`ll promise to be back” Johnny said while tears slowly fall from his eyes, looking at the picture the two of you took together.

‘It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves’ - William Shakespeare

[asexual-abomination]

Plat!Yan!Chrollo x Autistic!Reader x Plat!Yan!PT - Soulmate AU Part 2

The next part of my growing tale! The next part may be a bit shorter, but I've finally laid out a solid plan for where I want to take this!

Once again, this idea was first brought up by the lovely @kiame-sama. I also have no traditional education in writing, so any advice is greatly appreciated!

Hope you enjoy reading!

-----

The days following your switch were fairly normal, as you returned to work and your normal schedule. Your coworkers were sometimes nosy, asking when and how you would be reaching out your soulmate. Those questions annoyed you since they never accepted your explanation that you had already tried.

Unfortunately, you didn't really have any plan for finding your soulmate, and searching up the names you had been given hadn't been any help. Google kept trying to auto correct the names, which lead you to believe that they were rather rare. That made you think that you would have more ease in finding them, but you were unable to find anything but odd conspiracy theories that you knew better than to hold faith in.

It was stressful to think of the all the things you weren't able to do in finding your soulmate, so you tried to focus on distracting yourself with that which you found fun in real life. Watching your favorite movies for what had to have been the hundredth time, treating yourself to fancier food and some good new clothes, pulling your own mind away from the anxieties eating away at you.

It wasn't until that weekend that something felt off.

You would normally get a call from Jo in the morning of every Saturday, but they seemed to be delayed today. You truly worried that you had scared them off for good, but Jo themselves had told you multiple times that you shouldn't get too upset if the call came late.

Trying not to be too disheartened, you began the journey to work. Working as a librarian meant that while your work day was happily uneventful most days, your shifts extended into the weekend, so even on a Saturday morning you headed off on a commute.

To keep yourself active, you at least made the journey to and from the library on foot, especially seeing that it wasn't too far from your home. Boredom was rather easy at such a time as this, so you were quick to zone out and see only the pavement in front of your eyes. In your state of peace, you were too slow to notice that there were other footsteps joining yours until you were tugged into a side-path by your arms. Before you could yell out as you had been taught, a familiar voice began behind you.

"It's just me, but you need to listen very closely."

Jo's voice would normally calm you, however there was an insistence in their speech that told you they weren't here to catch up on the week.

"Look, I don't have too long to talk to you, but you need to take this," they pushed a thick binder full of sorted papers into your hands, and you took it quickly, "And follow it to the letter."

"Wait, why? What's going on!?" As you watched the panic in the way that Jo spoke, you felt overcome with the same worry, even though you had no clue what they were so upset about.

"Look, it's - it's about your soulmate, I've done some research, and he is not a good person. Not at all." They only furthered your confusion with such a statement, what research could Jo have done that you missed?

"I can't talk too much right now, but there are bad people on their way for you right now. Really horrible sorts. That binder has every instruction you need to follow to get away. If you follow it properly, there's a safe place for you to stay at the end, and I'll try to meet you there."

You could only splutter in the face of such intensity, half-coherent questions and worrying dying on your lips.

Before you could string together a sentence, your phone began to ring. You fished it out of your pocket, noting that there was no caller ID.

"(Y/N), you should answer that, but be careful what you say. It's probably that soulmate of yours, making them think they have your location will help, but you'll have to give me your phone afterwards."

There was an ache quickly forming in your head from all of the new information thrown at you, but you followed their instruction quickly, putting the phone to your ear.

"(Y/N), dear, I'm glad to have reached you. I should hope you're doing well?"

The voice was certainly the voice of your soulmate, but that didn't quell your anxiety. It took you a moment to realize that last bit was a question, and even when you figured it out, an odd tightness had formed in your throat.

"Um. Uh. I-I'm good, I guess? Are you... alright too?" You cursed your hesitant answer, but Jo looked at you from across the path with a stern nod, silently telling you that you were doing well.

A chuckle rang through the phone, quickly followed by his response, "Yes, dear, I'm doing well. You don't need to worry to much, we're almost prepared to come and meet you in person. You still work at that library, right?"

Your eyes widened at the confident question from him, practically jumping in surprise as you tried to figure out what answer would please both Jo and Chrollo. Jo gave you another nod, reaching out to gently tap your hand, lightly rubbing their thumb over the side of your palm.

With little else to go off of, you had to assume that this was Jo's way of soothing you from your upset, so you answered, "Yeah, I still work there, did - how did you find where I worked?"

As you spoke, you were trying to give Jo hints on what was being said by your soulmate, for which they were grateful, but it was unnecessary as they heard Chrollo speaking with ease.

"That's not important at the moment. You're going to be there until three, right? Like I said, we're still preparing at the moment, but we should be ready to come and get you by then. Does that sound good to you?"

Jo's face grew angry at that statement, but they still didn't speak, not wanting to alert him to their presence lest he realize that you would be missing in just a few hours.

"Err, 'come and get me'?" Even you knew that there was something iffy about that wording, especially since you didn't plan on going anywhere, even with your soulmate on a first meeting.

"Yes, exactly, we'll come and get you. At three O'clock from the Old Town Library. You don't need to leave the building, we'll come in and get you from there. I can't wait to see you, dear, you'll wait for me won't you?"

Before you could respond that you certainly wouldn't be waiting for him, the call was hung up. You felt almost out of breath as you looked mindlessly at your phone's lock screen, having to be snapped back from your trance by Jo taking a more insistent grip on your hand, pulling you to look at them.

"You understand now? Why you have to leave?" They had spoken forcefully before, but their tone was tougher now, pushing you to answer. Though you still struggled to speak as you caught your breath, your nod was enough for Jo.

Suddenly, Jo began to reach for you with their other hand, hesitating for a moment before pulling you into a hug, tight against their broad chest. You jumped at the contact, but that was nowhere near the shock you felt when you noticed the tears streaming down their face as they quickly pulled away. In all your years of friendship, you had never seen Jo cry. You had watched them fight, scream, and tremble in anger or fear, but never had a tear passed their eyes before you.

"Look, that binder has everything you need to get out of here unnoticed, I know that you can follow it and get to safety." Their tone was unaffected by their tears, not even the slightest wobble to be heard, yet they went on, "I know - I know that this going to be hard, but there is hope at the end of this. I can promise that I'll meet you at the safe house, if you can promise that you'll follow every instruction I give you."

At any other moment, you could have chuckled at their insistence, but now you found yourself nodding solemnly to their speech.

"Please, let's meet on the other side. I'll keep you safe no matter what they bring."

[sometimesrosy]

hi! can i ask advice on ghostwriting/freelancing? where should i start? what do i need on my portfolio? which platforms do you best recommend for promotion?

if you don't wanna answer, it is totally fine!!! have a good day! ☺️

I'm not sure I'm a good person to ask. I'm not very good at it. lol.

The writing part, sure I can do, but the business part is not really my thing. Any business, frankly. I am a terrible capitalist. Also I found a company to provide jobs, got a steady client and stuck with it.

I did however quit recently and went off on my own with a client or two. I am not looking for more clients because it takes a lot of time and energy and I am trying to write and work on selling my own stuff. Ideally, I'll be earning money under my own name.

But how did I start? Well, I looked on the freelance boards for jobs, and found a few. Then I researched those companies-- ALWAYS double check to make sure those companies are reliable, actually pay, have consistent work, treat freelancers well, aren't scams to begin with.

I worked for Hotghostwriters, and there were plusses and minuses.

Plus, they were reliable with payment, they were established, once I got a regular client I didn't have to worry about it. It might be a good place to start ghostwriting because they don't ask for a lot of experience. They didn't even ask for my education or work history, even though I have a BA in writing and was a teacher, so if you don't have any experience, that's good. I was hired based on my writing samples, and that's it.

.Minus, I felt like I was a machine not a writer, the pay is not good, the deadlines are far too tight, there weren't enough novel writing gigs until I got the regular. In fact they came back for ME, not the company. It's on the super low end of the pay scale which makes it a bit of an assembly line factory feel. Quality is only important to keep a client. More important is output.

I have heard that TheUrbanWriters is a similar company, and they seem to have more fiction work (I think) and are easier to work with but the pay is actually a little bit less. People say it's a good way to break in. It might be. To get your feet wet. But neither HGW or TUW seem to make you enough for a living wage. I could do it because I have an extremely low cost of living. But I couldn't pay rent with it.

The portfolio that was required when I was first hired was different varieties of romance genres. I believe I used parts of my science fiction novels as well as various fanfic. Occasionally after I was hired they would ask for new samples in new genres or just the genre that a client was looking for. Or perhaps a type of heat, clean, sensual, spicy, etc.

In order to get started freelancing or Ghostwriting, you could also go to one of the established freelancing sites, like Fiverr or Upwork, ProBlogger or MediaBistro. There are others. Google for more information. Go to the sites, look at reviews of the sites, look at the kinds of jobs available and the costs, search companies, search clients. Make sure they're paying their freelancers a fair wage, because many will try to lowball.

Mostly there's a lot of research to make sure it all works out well-- because not all of it will be legit. And as a freelancer you have to protect yourself. I once got hired to write a post apocalyptic book-- or to FINISH a book that someone else started. They wanted something that the old ghostwriter wasn't providing. I think they wanted a tough masculine kill em all kind of story but didn't know well enough to ask for what they wanted. I didn't figure it out until later when I also was fired. But they DID pay me in stages. So I was paid to review the last book. I was paid for the ten sample pages and then for the next three chapters.... they just didn't want me to finish the book. TBH the outline was terrible and made no sense, and I didn't mind getting cut, especially since shortly after, HGW found me a client who I wrote for for years. At the height I was getting a novel every six weeks. Like I said. A bit of a machine thing going on. I don't actually WANT to be writing ten books a year, especially when they're not mine.

I hope I've helped you know where to start and how to consider breaking into ghostwriting.

When you get experience, you can actually make a LOT more. Like 30k-60k a book, but when I was starting out, I was making 600-1000 a book. Short books (30-60k words) but still.

And none of this is actually talking about non fiction or blog ghostwriting or technical writing or any of that. I think there's a lot more work for that and the projects are smaller.

Good luck. Remember, research, research, research.