#i get worried abt the fact i cant feel better without getting high but like. my life DOES suck. i have a lot of reasons to feel awful

[be-good-to-bugs]

one day everything is gonna be better!

[unimooshi]

Trackster ramblings : P

I’ve been thinking abt all my rare pairs lately, ya know as you do, and one in particular has been Trackster. I love this ship almost as much as I do StarPrime/StarOp.

Idky, but they just. Go so well together and it’s such a shame it’s not more popular. It has so much potential.

Like imagine them going on a date and holding hands in public. Their different social standings could probably cause a little drama and gossip around town but Tracks is above that and just ignores it cause if he wants to be with Blaster then he fucking will be, what about it? What are you gonna do abt it? He’ll fight you and he’s willing to get his nails dirty for his man. No hesitation. Well maybe a little bit, he doesn’t wanna ruin his fresh wax coating but still it’s a second thought once he’s really fired up.

But maybe Blaster isn’t too accommodated to being talked about with bots who aren’t in his own social class. Like he’s ok fighting or talking back, but it’s very well known that when you’re in a lower class you don’t talk back to the upper class much less throw hands on sight at the slightest bit of shade. You could, but you run the risk of your reputation being so run down you can never climb back up.

OR OR!! It could be the opposite. Blaster doesn’t care abt what other’s think and lets them talk all they want bc he’s already in the lower class so he really has nothing to lose and he feels extremely lucky to have someone in a higher class by his side. Sure he worries that Tracks would be off put by the comments and he understands if that’s the case, but he hopes it isn’t. He just. Love him and hopes he stays.

Tracks on the other hand is struggling on maintaining his social relationships and his romantic one. He doesn’t want to choose between them both, bc he thinks it’s dumb to do so bc both can exist at the same time, he’s very conflicted. He loves Blaster but the constant gossip can be very detrimental to him since he’s never really known life from outside the high social world. He’s scared. He’s insecure. Despite all that tho, he still stands up for him and Blaster whenever his friends start to talk down abt his relationship. He loves him and that’s all that matters.

Idk that just seems really sweet. I dunno if I have said this before, I probably have, but still I’ll say it as many times as I have to for people to know abt this ship. Trackster is abt character growth imo. Or at least giving them a personality beyond what’s minimally shown to us at times. We know Tracks is a snooty bitch and Blaster is a easy going guy who will knock you out on sight. Talk shit, get crit. But the fact they’re not really explored let’s us fill in the gaps and the way I do, I see Tracks as an insecure person who puts up a front bc he has to. It’s how he survived on Cybertron and it’s been his way of life ever since. He’s ok with being cold and alone sometimes bc it’s sometimes the only time he feels at peace. If other people don’t like him bc of his attitude then so be it, they’re probably jealous anyway.

Blaster, however, is someone who doesn’t really have a care in the world for the most part and mainly just cares abt music, the cassettes, and his friends. He works a job and lives as freely as he can. He’s insecure as well, but not to the same extent Tracks is and is pretty confident abt most things. But it doesn’t come without some flaws.

Tracks is abt perfectionism is how others perceive him at all times bc he believes that his looks are all he has. Blaster is more abt wether or not things will get better and wether or not he’ll be ready to rise up when it comes.

They come from very different backgrounds but when they meet, they complement each other in a way where one flaw is supplemented by the other’s strengths.

Tracks is insecure abt himself and how others perceive him? Blaster shows him that he has more to offer than looks and Tracks starts to look into other things that interested him before but he could ever really touch or indulge in secret bc social standing. Blaster shows him a new world of things he could do and letting go of his persona.

Blaster is unsure of his future and doubts his own abilities? Tracks lifts him up, quite aggressively at times but it’s out of a good spark, and shows him how to be strong when faced with being alone. Tracks is a very strong supporter in my head. I can’t explain it he just is. He would tells Blaster that it’s ok and as long as they’re together they’ll get through it and Blaster just. Feels loved and then he feels like he has a bright future ahead of him and he’s gonna be ready for it bc he has something he can fall back to.

God I’m sorry for writing so much but I literally love them so much. They’re just. IN LOVE. I CANT EXPLAIN IT BUT THEY JUST ARE

AND I DIDNT EVEN GET INTO TRACKS RELATIONSHIP WITH THE CASSETTES YET. THEYRE JUST ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY DESPITE THEIR DIFFERENT BACKGROUND AND IM JUST AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Please consider them. I’m begging.

[transrightsjimin]

more ranting abt welfare benefits hell

sorry for whining so much abt income on here, i know it should just be easy nd solveable by applying more for jobs, but the literal issue is that i have no skills or confidence (latter is according to my friend, but the way i cant envision handling any jobs well is jst the truth??) nd still havent gotten any help from the municipality w getting consulted by someone w more knowledge on the job market nd maybe being pushed to take on shitty jobs that at least perhaps pay better than mail delivery. it’s jst so frustrating how i requested welfare benefits over 4 months ago but it only counted since 3 months ago bc they kept fucking up w the requests, promised a payback for the lost month, but didnt, i believe?? now december we got nothing nd probably also january bc our ‘income was too high‘ for the minimum.

uh i side tracked nd forgot where i was going before, but i meant to say tht HALF A YEAR AGO i also requested help w getting help w jobs but bc bureaucratic bullshit it took until DECEMBER to get the help approved. and they would get me a contact person ‘surely before christmas, don’t worry!‘ and then they didn’t and replied they hadn’t forgotten about me and will surely help soon and i’m just. so fucking anxious about this all??

my parents help me financially w cash they gave (nd some of which came from my grandmas) (nd no im not happy w that bc one of them is doing worse financially but still wants to give it away, nd the other is dead nd my uncle gave her left over money to family which feels ironic bc hes a millionaire but only gives a bit from his dead mom??) so that i can buy groceries bc me and my friend’s paychecks + welfare benefits can only cover rent + food and so not also other bills such as for healthcare that i have to make payment plans for. and even w help w groceries i still end up in the negatives, especially last month bc we ‘made too much‘ to receive something. i dont even dare to sell clothing or anything online for money bc that’d only mean ‘income from hobbies’ they could see i have and thus more reason to get stripped from this too.

and that is just the whole issue!! the municipality runs all these checks and forms and calls and appointments and documents you need to hand in, but there is NO calculation determining what you actually need. instead, based on the type of household, we were categorized as fiscal partners without children who receive the benefits together and thus we receive benefits (in the months that we do) to add it up to the ‘living minimum‘ €1500 in total. this amount does not cover our actual expenses, nor does this match inflation or how social housing has been broken down as a system and that real estate owners can increase rent prices as much as they want. there is a monthly grant that tenants could receive for renting a home, but only if it is an apartment AND below 752,33 euros per month (which is when it is considered social housing, above that it’s the ‘free market‘), and that is just virtually impossible?? but we were not once asked if we can actually pay anything and the people meant to help us w benefits just don’t fucking get flex work contracts or how our income over a certain month is received way later in the month after that. like they have a stable job and just dont fucking get that it is not designed well for us.

i think my anxiety over this issue has gotten worse ever since the news came out that a dutch woman on benefits got a €7000 fine because her mom did groceries for her and that’s considered fraud??!! she couldn’t afford food so her mom bought groceries for her but that is also considered financial compensation and thus she got this huge fine, which she probably cannot afford and the fucked up thing w fines from institutions is that they ask interest over it if you don’t pay it in time or enough of it, and give more fines and even charge fees for something like you receiving a letter and they’re just free to pull this shit bc it’s a for-profit business. and that’s how ppl end up w debt and huge loans. it’s just so infuriating nd i really dont want a fine or lose the right to benefits. even though i prob wont get it for a while bc of my friend’s job that tends to make our incomes together reach just the ‘living minimum‘. i have this bill of €250 for adhd diagnosis, then monthly bills for meds that are €76 of which i can receive most back and ‘only’ need to pay €25 from it, then theres an orthodentist bill of around €92 bc i forget this insurance company still counts from back when i was w it the first time nd orthodontist stuff gets insured up to €1000 and that amount was used up like 10 years ago nd they still count like that despite me having had a different insurer in between.

i just need a stupid fcking job nd i hate to whine abt this bc theres so many ppl in much worse situations who ‘take initiative‘ nd start looking for jobs, but AGAIN  i have no ‘basic’ skills like being able to listen and understand words well nd fast or show the right facial expressions or have good memory or dexterity or be able to answer difficult questions or focus on reading etc etc, nor do i i have an idea what job i should or could do.like i fcking need an income, moreover i need a break, im in this fcking burnout since like 2013 and in depression since at least 2004 lmfao but it’s never been recognized as bad enough by specialists bc im not suicidal, but it’s also not good to the point where i ever know if i felt ok. also just. i feel like i did use to have a bit more confidence in myself in high school but it all got sucked out of me in art college (bc horribly bigoted teachers + students and being taught that drawing well is in fact not at all important in the domestic market but rather being INNOVATIVE and NETWORKING and also COPYING is the way to success!! like not kidding, thats what teachers told us) nd by my parents (bc i became older nd didnt spontaneously do all these chores or jobs despite having no fcking clue how bc they never taught stuff). like i just dont know how ppl live comfortably w themselves and know what its like to be themselves nd not feel bad nd anxious abt everything

[elijahfitz]

and introduction.

meet elijah.

hey guys! im lina! im 18 and im in the cst timezone. im currently a freshman in college and ive also been rping for like 6 years now ( i started on the neopets chat boards. if thats not an embarrassing fun fact idk what is ) but i havent rped since this summer since school was and still is kicking my ass. im really into musical theater, marvel & dc, and disney! i also used to be a lifeguard at a great wolf lodge for 2 years so if u want any funny stories about stupid children, or even just wanna be friends, lmk! im also SUPER sorry this intro is so late. i was gonna do it yesterday but then my friends wanted to hang and it kinda went downhill from there. im actually posting this like 20 min before i have a lab practical so i wont be able to reply until late tonight, but like this post to plot or anything!

some fun facts abt elijah:

he was adopted when he was around 3-4? he was abandoned and left on the back of a merchant cart headed to corona, where he was then discovered and then put into the local orphanage since no one was sure where he came from or who left him. all he had was a stuffed bear (named wooly), a basket of water and fruits to eat, and a letter that explained that:

his name was elijah

he was 2 (born on february 28th)

his parents couldnt care for him, so they hoped he would be found by a kind soul who could either take care of and love him, or else get him to someone who could

they loved him and only left him in the hopes that he would have a better life

he lived in the orphanage for almost 2 years and the few months before the 2nd anniversary of his arrival, rapunzel & eugene visited the orphanage that eugene grew up in and fell in love w/ eli, promptly adopting him soon after. he barely remembers anything about his abandonment and time in the orphanage, but always wanted to find his birth parents and let them know how he turned out. he kept the bear and basket in his room but carries the letter around with him in his wallet wherever he goes.

his full name is elijah frederic fitzherbert. he was given the middle name frederic in honor of his grandfather.

but, he much rather prefers eli. doesnt mind formalities but insists on people who know him to call him by his nickname. except he HATES being called “highness” bc he thinks it sounds stupid. he wont get upset per se if u keep referring to him as “your highness” but he will get annoyed

he very much wants to fulfill his role as “corona’s golden boy” by contributing back to his people. he worries for the kingdom more than he worries for himself and is always trying to prove that he is worthy of being a prince rather than just some random kid who got lucky enough to get adopted. most of his days are spent doing modest favors and helping out the townspeople or visiting the villages surrounding the kingdom.

when he’s in the castle you can almost always find him in the kitchen! boi loves to bake and cook. he loves the way food can bring joy to everyone. he often makes goods to give to the townspeople or the kids at the orphanage, where he volunteers at least every 2 weeks when hes not busy w prince stuff.

has an acute fear of disappointment. he feels so much pressure to prove his worth that came from growing up thinking if he did anything wrong he’d be sent back to orphanage, esp since his parents had another child. they wouldn’t want or need him anymore. he mostly got over this when he broke a vase when he was 12 and tried to run away from home, except he fell out the tree that he used to climb out his window and broke his leg lmao. his parents assured him that no matter what he did they would still love him and never abandon him, and his dad also taught him how to climb trees and roofs without dying (much to his mom’s chagrin). even tho hes pretty much over it, it kinda lingers subconsciously. thus, he overcompensates in everything he does and gets overly anxious about small problems

growing up he thought the stories that his dad told him about his past were so cool, despite the fact that he would almost always only hear those stories when he was being taught lessons of what he shouldnt do. he used to run around pretending to be flynn rider and his dad played along, planning play heists for them to do together (think scott & cassie in that one scene from ant man and the wasp) but they stopped when eli hit that age where he thought it was embarrassing to play w his dad. but, it really helped him bond w eugene and help him work on his coordination bc eli is CLUMSY AF

eli legit trips over nothing at least twice a day.

he bonded w his mom through art tho, which eventually turned into aesthetic desserts and meals! thats another reason why he loves baking and cooking so much.

when his 1st sibling was born when he was 5 at first he was jealous. he didnt get much attention at the orphanage due to the fact that there were so many kids and he was just starting to get used to the idea of having parents didnt have tons of kids always trying to win their affection and attention. he thought having a little sibling was the worst thing in the world and would hide from his parents bc if they couldnt find him they couldnt send him away. he hated his sibling.

until he met them. the second he saw their chubby face he was hooked. he swore that he would do anything and everything for them. and that continued when his parents adopted his other siblings as well. he absolutely adores them and acts like the protective older bro role

thankfully, with such a large age gap eli never rlly had to go through any of those petty squabbles that siblings usually have. he was always pretty protective of them tho and would fight when he thought they were being reckless and dumb out of his own fear that if they got hurt he would be an awful big brother (again, fear of disappointment)

he loves to travel bc his mom would always take him to these extravagant kingdoms and on these amazing sightseeing trips

this boy is hopeless when it comes to love. i can imagine lots of ppl liking him on top of all the ppl throwing themselves at him bc royal, but him being completely oblivious and thinking that no one likes him.

he had rlly bad ADD as a kid but its gotten better as hes grown. he still occasionally struggles w executive functioning tho and always gets rlly frustrated when he cant focus or remember

like i said earlier, clumsy af. no coordination. the only athletic ability he ever had was horse riding and running

that said he has a horse named may (short for mayonnaise. dont ask

he likes music a lot. prob learned piano at a young age

he probably is at the party bc royals? idk

EDIT: although (currently) unknown to eli, his true birth mother is maleficent. when eli was 2, his birth father took him away from her and had her suppress eli’s natural born powers. his father realized he was unfit to care for him, so he was the one who abandoned eli.

wanted connections!!

obv his parents and siblings? i mean cmon

one ( or both???? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ) of his birth parents!!!!! they dont have to know that eli is their son or mayb they do and are too scared to tell him, but being trapped together will eventually make it revealed

childhood friends! people he met when he traveled w his mom or met at royal social functions? i rlly also want friends that he would hang w at all the royal galas and stuff and they would go do dumb stuff like look sneak out and look for secret passages of make bets of who could dump more crab cakes into the stuffy duchess’ purse when she wasnt looking

people who know him solely through his family

someone who likes eli and eli legit has no clue, no matter how much they flirt and drop hints

people who hate eli! or even just dislike him, which makes him upset bc he doesnt like the idea that there are ppl who dont like him in the world. mayb bc sometimes he gets super highstrung when things arent going how they should b and he like lashed out at them once or something. maybe they hate his parents and on principle hate him. idk

someone who was w eli in the orphanage

past relationships? i feel like hes never rlly had a bad breakup tho, its just that they prob just didnt work out. hes also bi so they can b any gender. hes still looking for his otp

idk, legit anything. send me those plots man

[oflgtfol]

bc i cant stop thinking abt that dream.. im gonna elaborate on it because it was so detailed and so long and felt so real

so it started off with me in a small library but like, it was so cramped and the lights were off. bookshelves were everywhere, and most were like only waist high? strange adults were everywhere, standing against the walls/shelves or sitting in the aisles. all had their hands cuffed behind their backs or in front of them and they all had like, tape or something over their mouths. but there were some adults among them in bullet proof vests and with guns in their hands. i dont know the situation like i dont even think i acknowledged it in the dream but from context clues im p sure it was like a hostage situation

so im in there sneaking around, in the back of my mind i just Know that my parents and my brother are also in the room also sneaking thru the aisles. all the hostage adults are staring at me like, acknowledging that they know im here to help rescue them. so after a few close calls around corners almost getting caught by the gunmen i get to a somewhat open area, meanig that its still cramped but its a small square between bookshelves with a table and 2 chairs. theres a TON of hostages squeezed into this area. i knew that that was the objective, that i had to get there

so me and my family burst forward and the gunmen spot us, but the hostages all help us overwhelm the guys. the gunmen are shooting blindly into the crowd, aiming mostly for me and my family, and SOMEHOW everybody else dodges it but me. literally it went in slow motion and i saw it like in third person, watching it come towards me and i was like “watch it hit me lmao. oh fuck its actually gonna hit me”

so i get shot in my stomach during all this and the pain just, it wasnt all that bad really? like it felt like uhm. getting hit with a water balloon actually (i was just in a water fight yesterday and now upon realizing this its like.... did that contribute to this dream....) so then its all clear like the bad guys are defeated, it gets kinda blurry at this point but i know in some disembodied way that i told my parents after everything wrapped up when they were asking if everyone was okay that i was hit, and they like, didnt care. i was like “HEY i got SHOT in the stomach!” and theyre like k and it took them foreverrrrrrr to get me medical attention. and i wasnt even.. bleeding outwardly? so i was so worried about internal bleeding because like HEY i have a bullet in me so i must be bleeding somewhere like,,, come on lmao

the next like visual thing i remember is in the hospital. its been a while since like, i woke up so this is kinda blurry too but i remember being put into a wheelchair by some nurses.. ive been in a wheelchair only once and that was in 2nd grade but this one i was allowed to use like, on my own, so it threw me off? and at this point i was like, fuck, i’ve been shot before when i was little. i’ve done this before. i had to go into surgery and everything. but it was all vague flashes i could barely remember it but it felt a lot like when i remember the major things from my childhood that i just COMPLETELY forgot about for so long, like speech therapy? like i had gotten injured from a gun when i was less than ten years old and i just, forgot about that? i was like HOW did i forget about this

so i was already in the hospital at this point but for the one room, i wheeled up to the entrance and it felt kinda like the 11th/12th grade cafeteria entrance that i use in school?? a small double door, blank walls, kinda dark, empty, and there was a nurse checking us in. at this point i was surrounded by all my classmates from my ap lang class, or maybe not ap lang in particular idk since like all the ap kids are mostly grouped together despite class? idk man. but my classmates were literally all fine idk why they were there? they werent even there for checkups or anything (disregarding the fact that you dont get a check up at a hospital you get that at a normal doctors office..) so i was there in my literal wheelchair and the nurse was like “wait your turn!!” she was really snooty it was annoying i was like, word for word, “uhm HELLO i have a GSW in my abdomen!!!!!!” and my one classmate finally spoke up as he was being checked in he was like “uh hey brot is here and like, got shot, so i think she should go first lmao?” so the nurse finally smiled at me and admitted me in

and it led to this small cramped room where they scanned your entire body for every single thing wrong with it adn they displayed it on a board where everyone could see, including my classmates, and i was like ohh my god. oh my god. the nurses were like “hm you could eat better but overall you’re in good health!” and i was like DUDE thats embarrassing i dont want everybody to see all my minute issues and LIKE I AM LITERALLY INJURED I HAVE A BULLET IN MY STOMACH WHY ARE YOU DISCUSSING MY DIET WHEN THERE ARE MORE PRESSING ISSUES...

so finally we go into the actual room and its this giant giant mostly empty room, im remembering this room from my first go at this from when i was a kid. theres a table in the middle thats pretty big but has.. no chairs around it... but theres puzzles and weird bookmark things scattered around on it to keep you occupied, and then theres a single table far removed from everything else, only long enough for a body and slightly wider, and theres one identical to that on the other side of the room. and i know from when i was a kid that those are for surgeries and like, i KNOW this but i was like, wrow thats unsanitary lmao

so i go to the table in the middle because thats where you’re supposed to wait till you’re called for surgery, but im so ANXIOUS because like.. its surgery... and now im remembering more of it from when i was a kid like im remembering going into it, waking up from it... my classmates are all sitting on the table like its some casual after school thing, theyre all talking

and then i remember from the first surgery. i remember the surgery itself. i apparently wasnt put under for it. i was conscious during it. i was numbed out obviously but like, i was AWAKE, and that makes me SO fucking scared for my upcoming surgery. like, enough that some of my classmates sense that im getting more and more anxious so they start shoving the bookmarks in my face, and the bookmarks are like the weird ones from the library irl that have quotes on them, and like i cant even read any because im just so anxious like im keeled over in the wheelchair so anxious about it, and the fact that my classmates are trying to interact with me during this is just making it worse like i APPRECIATE trying to make me feel better but i CANNOT read right now

and like, i was never called for surgery? im sitting there until the sun sets, but i only know that because i eventually leave the room just needing to do SOMETHING and the hospital lobby, for all the people waiting for patients? is empty and the sky outside is the dark blue kind of like, twilight

i really dont know how this dream suddenly turns, like i cannot remember the breaching moment and idk if its because its been almost 12 hours since i woke from the dream or if there even WAS a breaching moment

but the next thing i know is that me and shannen are running (me wheeling furiously) along the top of some like, wall. and the hospital looming in front of us is now some sort of fortified citadel, and we’re on one of the defensive walls around it, theres towers and spires everywhere in the distance around the citadel. and theres fucking. ANGELS attackign the place. the angels are classic white dress wearing, harp playing, type creatures but their eyes are all closed and black tears are running down their faces, and literally everything else about them is white. the dresses are this weathered white, their skin is weathered white (like, like marble but without the darker lines yknow?), and their eyes + tears are the darkest things on them so they stand OUT. and their mouths are flat lines, also black like as if its like, lineart or something yknow? like their faces look like masks but they arent. they have harps in one hand and then LONG ass swords in their other hands and they are fuckign terrifying

so me and shannen are outside of the main area of attack and we stumble upon this part of the wall thats like, collapsed, and theres a fucking OCEAN next to the citadel. so the stones that have fallen into the water, theres some sort of chariot on it with the same kind of look as the angels, white + black accent kinda look to it. the chariot is low lying and theres a figure laying over it, collapsed, reaching forward at nothing almost like a zombie trying to move? and he.. god i wanna say it was icarus but i really dont know because i feel, deep down that his name started with an e but i have no idea what dude it would be then bc i know it was a guy from greek mythology somehow but IDK WHO... so this guy also has the same vibe as the angels but his face is like, a fuckign mess, like it looked like he was melting (maybe thats why i wanna say icarus idk) but the melted parts were black, plus the black eyes (whcih were semi open) and the black tears and his mouth was kinda open in a silent wail (also black). i wanna say he had black hair too but idk maybe the whole black mass on his overall head was just the melting.. and this melted black liquid is strewn all over the chariot and the stone block thats barely out of the water. and out of the water, behind the chariot, all the angels were bursting forward and heading to the citadel like as if it was the Angel Spawn Point

IDK it was such a weird fuckign sight it looked like a fallen angel but i just knew deep down that it was some guy from greek mythology but I DONT KNOW WHO IT WOULD BE especially with a name starting with e..!!!

anyway yeah i woke up then. the whole angel sequence was super short compared to the rest of the dream, but it was more on par with what i normally dream than the rest? like i dont recall ever having guns in my dreams except for maybe one dream in middle school that was like,,,,, nuclear apocalypse type thing......... and never have i ever been like, INJURED like that in a dream? i’ve died in dreams yeah but ive never been like.. shot.. the closest thing i can think of was that one weird borderline nightmare earlier this year where i died of internal bleeding in school due to school negligence..... hm!

like idk this was just such a weird dream i normally have very very wild dreams with a more fantasy element to them, and the mundane ones are just me in school or on tumblr, like ive never had like, an ACTION MOVIE kinda thing??

and it felt SO REAL like when i woke up i literally thought that i had some sort of repressed gun related traumatic event from my childhood that i was only uncovering now and it was only when i realized that i was in bed and not like, at the hospital with a gun wound in my stomach, that i was like oh haha no thats not real

[unproduciblesmackdown]

hey man your comic stuff?? fucking amazing do you have any tips for a novice child artist such as myself

hmm!!! thats a good question if i have any advice at all…i dont really draw things in comic form that often because of how slow i am…its a whole project for me lol

also natch im just an amateur at all of this vs people who like…pay attention to how to do things really well and/or draw comics on a regular schedule &/or get paid for it and all. so seeing this i was immediately trying to think of like, advice ive seen from random professionals on twitter & stuff & i’ve tried to moreso shake it down to the stuff I’M actually doing when i draw a comic. which is a bit tricky because of my small sample size & the fact that i dont have any kind of consistent process or technique unifying all the comic-type stuff i draw

like sometimes its just a few floating sequential drawings and other times is definitely more like, really thinking of it in terms of how i’m going to structure it in Comic Form & use the format to adjust my presentation of whatever idea i have

like i know ppl whose Job (officially or just by their own standards) to do a bunch of comics pages will do a script of scenes to decide what goes on what page and sort dialogue / action into panels & describe how things will look etc…and then do like maybe really rough layout pre-sketches, then the first rough sketch for a page, an optional more cleaned up sketch layer on top of that, and then the final lineart

i sorrrt of do a version of that, in that i am generally sitting on a Comic Idea for a while before i even start getting into the business of thinking through how it’ll actually work. i have to make sure that im “committed” enough to the idea to wanna make more than one drawing for it, and that i think i have at least a vague notion of how i could put it into a comic. sometimes i DO end up just putting the notion into a single drawing or condensing it into like, 2-3 lil floating drawings or w/e. coz a lot of the times the idea starts out really vague, often with one “moment” that serves as the whole inspiration & that i then try to build a scene/sequence around….a lot of the details beyond that can be really vague in my mind, like the setting or dialogue or who’s involved or what happens or the pacing or extra events or etc…basically Everything is real amorphous for a while

so yea step 1 is me having this one idea and trying to decide if building a scene around it would be a better way to present it vs just having one drawing, & if i think i can actually effectively carry it out….which is in reality even less fancy than it sounds…i just sit on an idea for a while & never get around to actually focusing on it / putting down any of the thoughts abt it that im formulating. but the upshot of me putting it off for forever is that i do end up with a kind of mental script / layout for a comic before i start it…..but even the extensiveness / format of these unwritten scripts varies a lot for me

like, a few times when i have made something that’s maybe longer than just one page &/or something ive been mulling over for an extra long amt of time (which tends to be stuff that is starting out w/ heavier than usual ideas) i’ll like, actually write down what happens page by page, even plan out specific panels, maybe even put down a few rough sketches of certain parts. i’ll have the Main Moment which is the idea that started the whole thing in the first place, but what tends to happen is i’ll come up w other moments that i think could lead up to / frame / follow the main moment, and i pretty much just decide how they all fit into one cohesive piece. so what my “rough drafts” look like for these more extensively planned ones—still really not that exhaustive, i only put things to paper when im basically done enough w my ideas to be just about ready to start actually making them—can vary in their actual formats (e.g. simple chronological bullet points of events, a few drawings, a rough sketch of how the whole thing might look), the core of it is basically just me finding a way to nail down how i’m going to arrange the Moments i have and how i’m going to lead one into the other…….like for things with enough pages / panels, i’ll tend to focus on which Moment will end each page &/or each line of panels, then have an idea of which other Moments i’ll need to put on which of those pages, and kinda figure out how to pace things

again that all sounds like maybe i have a real process…..I Do Not

im kinda lucky in that i think i have a decent sense for composition without having to struggle over it too much. so a lot of times i can leave a lot of that up to be felt out as im actually doing the rough lineart for the first time. i also often don’t nail down panel arrangement that carefully & also make it up as i go along a bit, which is probably not something anyone should emulate. someone was saying something about how some certain page layout of like, 3-something-something panel rows looks best, i dont know. i’m guessing, as with all things, nobody can say “always do this / never do that,” but i think staggering odd/even numbers of panels in each row is always a good guess. just makes it easier for them to read more distinctly at least, surely

sometimes i DO think about certain panels when i wanna frame a certain “shot” in a very specific way. but im just kind of doing whatever. i know vague rules like that wide shots / negative space slows down the pace, vs tightly cropped / small panels / packed w a lot of visual info tends to read as a faster pace, more chaotic. i dont quite go too wild about that sort of thing tho, because for me as a reader, a lot of times really tight shots that are like cutting between 5000 different angles rly fast all in a row, sometimes it is absolutely unreadable to me, as in i do not understand the visual info at all. it feels like the equivalent of how action movie editing keeps hanging on to the “incoherency = intensity” vs just me tuning out until the scene is over & missing details b/c i just am not getting anything out of it

thats not much of a factor for me coz i dont really ever do things with extended sequences of movement / action or whatever. i’ll keep things in one place. i’ll like to do smaller, “quicker” panels moreso to like, show simultaneousish details / to extend one moment…..occasionally i do Big Panels for a moment of higher intensity / impact too. btw putting a High Intensity moment in a super tiny panel is always really funny for the contrast of it all. i dont think ive ever done it, but it is

ummm…….also planning where your speech bubbles will go is good. i dont do that enough, but i should. most of the reason i dont have a more proper, organized process to anything i draw is that i just dont have the focus / patience to slow down for More Planning vs just going ahead and drawing it. jokes on me, since some quick vague planning can make it a lot easier on yourself vs just diving in and struggling w something for ages

uhhh also since im not that fantastic or mindful of panel layout? sometimes i’ll make a point of just having uniform rectangle panels of the same size/shape, so i only have to really worry about the layout within the frame. this is mostly good obv for things with not that much shift in pacing throughout it or action or whatever…you lose the advantage of how panel sizes can affect the tone of a shot or something & probably cant get that detailed in ur drawings but that is often Fine By Me

when i do use the uniform rectangle structure though, i kinda have to focus more on each individual panel, vs like, knowing ok, these three moments are going on this page, i have a vague idea of what’ll connect them, just make up the individual panels as you go along. this does mean that i have to kinda think more about what justifies each panel….how its different from the ones before & after it or how i might want it to be similar to “hold” a shot for a beat or w/e or draw focus to a small movement, what’s actually going into each panel, if i can/should condense two panels into one, etc. its still a lot of playing it by ear, i dont have solid rules of how i think i should do it each time

even when i do have a like whole plan for something im drawing i’ll often make more changes as im actually making it. sometimes its deciding something would be more effective, sometimes it’s just “hey this would work too & be easier,” and thats definitely fine. nobody knows the change you made, and Easier isn’t necessarily Worse anyways. convenience is good where you can get it

ive also definitely had specific comic artists formatting/framing styles in mind when i specifically wanted to use that while drawing my own stuff. like the way i’ll draw maybe a kind of horror vibe (more diagonal lines / “fractured” panels than i’d normally use, quick tiny shots of different smaller details, that kinda stuff) is gonna be different from when its a calm & quiet tone. where i dont really get too creative with the panels really & keep them pretty steady

and then that one time i did a largely nonsequential sort of panel collage b/c the marge simpson anime gave me great inspiration for how to combine & present a bunch of vague notions i had floating around all into one page. it was a good accomplishment & thats unsurprising because the inspiration i was using was That Good. thank god we can all benefit from each others good ideas and knowledge & work & all that. it does help to jump on a feeling of “wow what a cool comic i wish i could make something like that.” just go ahead and make something like that…

ummm this is all on the technical side-ish still but i dont really know what to say abt the kind of stuff that makes me wanna draw a comic in the first place vs just putting the idea into a regular single drawing…usually it Is kind of a more nuanced moment that i think would be better presented within some amount of context and buildup and all that. i basically exclusively draw emotions….and sometimes theyre better shown with some amount of action/dialogue, or at least a few different shots or something. i dont know if this area is helpful information or anything anyone would benefit from knowing about, or even if i have anything to say about it…is it all self evident maybe? idk! i do think i communicate emotions best through comics…not that each one is “here is my mood!” or talking about me at all, but i was for example trying to communicate about an abstract emotion, i think i can draw about it better than talk or write about it or anything. i DO sometimes draw more directly from my own specific feelings/experiences for things, but mostly when i think it can be relevant…i cant really do anything all that directly autobiographical, even casual diary comics or whatever. thats what my text posts are for… but i have been interested in how to convert these huge emotional issues that i’ve been v familiar with into a few pages or panels and how to present its impact in the simplest, straightforward ways i can manage…sometimes i think its worked for sure…..i feel like i gave a more Relatable sense to a certain experience by putting it in comic form than any of the times ive discussed it as a personal thing at length via text. like i said i communicate best via comics probably, despite not drawing them all that much coz im too damn slow lmao

speaking of, i’ve kind of been like “what a waste” abt the fact that i dont have like, a proper approach or regular strategy to thinking up comics before i draw them, but i think theres something actually okay to be taken from that lol……just that i know if i got too caught up in trying to plan it all out perfectly before getting into actually drawing it, i’d be making it into a bigger project and slowing myself down even more & i’d risk dropping it partway through or just never getting started at all. so if i have a less than perfect end result, at least i have an end result, and ive finally got that one idea out of my head in some way. and i feel like some of my comics do work out decently enough….a good handful of times ive been surprised w how well some ppl receive them

so i think it is good to just go ahead and dive in. i did that once w an idea i’d been sitting on for like half a year, and i think it turned out good enough. i just knew i could easily spend months and months more turning over all the details, which might make it Better, but would also mean that yknow, i’d never actually get around to making it b/c of feeling like it had to be ideal. so i simplified it a bit, used a uniform panel layout, did little drawings, and just got it drawn out in an afternoon or two. and now at least it exists lol. and ive sort of come back to the same idea in a way…if i feel like it turns out i wanna elaborate on something more, i can just make another pic/comic built on the same theme, who’s gonna care or stop me

i also try to focus on what lines are/aren’t necessary to avoid things being confusing or just pointlessly cluttery….this isnt a big issue b/c i dont often bother w bgs. dont emulate that either lol…….but im not doing any Serious art so its no big deal to me if im not “good” or not progressing as spectacularly as i might. i dont need my drawing abilities to be that amazing here. but bgs still serve a purpose beyond being a “skill” or whatever so im trying to include them more, aka occasionally, at all. still hardly ever. but sometimes you at least need like one halfassed establishing shot yknow. anyways

mmm this has all been kinda vague and i’m trying to think if there’s anything more specific i could/should talk about!! i dont know. i dont have a good perspective on what its like to look at my art while not being me lol & what ppl might think or what stands out to them or whatever. rip

sorry this is so long, i dont really have ppl wanting to know abt my Processes or drawing thoughts or whatever so i’m kinda jumping at the chance to talk about this sort of stuff after having been actually prompted to. but i dont know if i’ve said anything at all!! i dont know if any of it has been helpful

“tldr; i dont really know what im doing, but go ahead and jump into actually making them as opposed to feeling like youre ready / you know the best way to make a page, because nobodys ever ready or can say This Is The Best Possible Version so just go ahead and use whatever process feels like it makes your life easier, while still actually making the damn comic” is my whole thing, i guess

i dunno, if there was some specific thing you wanted to know abt that i didnt talk about / talk about well here, feel free to ask me to specify because i totally will, which is both an invitation and a warning obviously

sorry this is so long everybody…….writing an essay & by the end of it not being sure if ive given any info at all is part of my whole Thing

[winking]

my top 9 albums of 2017... im totally gonna copy kathryns format but n e wayz ndfewkjnew i rlly only listened to... wanna one... and taemin this last month .. what have i been doing !!!!! and then i remember i used to listen to nct albums alot iconic.... before july??? i hav no memory... i was in hs i didnt listen to anything no time..... i got tagged by @48hours and ill tag @jiminuyasha @hwallsgrl @lip2hip and @dehsi U DONT HAV TO READ AL OF THIS IM SORRY I JUST HAV ALOT TO SAY..... 

so here are the albums in order:

1. the first - the boyz

i was excited for this.... i remember when i listened to the preview? i was like this is gonna b good...and it was.... boy is good, nice debut. the first 16 seconds?? the best part?? i felt like the chorus of the song could hav went a different way n i felt that way w energetic but theyre both good songs what can i say! walkin in time ... soft... i enjoyed... i dont listen to it as much but its rlly good i rlly love kevins voice.....got it... yoooo.... got it is so good??? like... the first part... kevins voice im gonna die... his voice is like honey... also i rlly like news voice and jacobs n hwalls part???? also towards the end where jacob n haknyeon are harmonizing ?? kings of vocals .. and lastly.. im your boy iconic.... i love this os much... just everything abt it i was so weirded out when i first heard but i just fell in love.. its very unique 

top track: .... got it/ im your boy

worst track: theyre all pretty equal honestly!!! i would say NJDKEW DONT HATE ME BUT BOY...... its like... the same rank as the rest but its the one i least listen to 

2. move-ing - taemin 

this is the repackaged of his second album but it has different songs so im not cheating! this album is way softer than move... definitely... i havent read the lyrics but it sounds like hes in love and in move it sounds like hes not over his ex mood.... but day and night is a cute song.. i love taemin so much :(( snow flower is pretty slow....but its a nice song... taemin rlly has a nice voice that i love n adore... im crying, hmmm i feel like this is the song i listen to the least.. im listening to it rn its rlly good i just prefer pop music sometimes like i wanna dance... and lastly hypnosis hmm i lied i feel like ive never even listened to this kdjewn oh worm... this is a good song.. why is taemin a god???

top track: day and night or im crying?

worst track: i like them all!!

3. nothing without you - wanna one 

... pleas first of all the intro is amazing it should hav been a full song and the title track!!!!!!! nothing without you!!!!!!! my kings came back w a repackaged album but w more good songs... ms beautiful ... it was .. underwhelming is that a word... but its rlly such a nice song.. im listening rn its so beautiful?? the choreo is amazing this concept is nice .. i just enjoy this song so much :(( wanna.... gatgo shipeo..... amazing. i love this song so much!! sungwoon’s voice is my favorite and in this song it fits perfectly... 10/10 song sorry fakeables! i never listen to twilight :) the burn it up and energetic prequel  remixes r good trust me i didnt like at first but theyre iconic especially energetic......wanna be.. soft... ms energetic.... god u did so much this year.. love u... queen of debut songs... burn it up is good too i love them both... to be one outro NJDKEW I NEVER LISTEN TO THIS BEFORE... it was good ofc 

top track: beautiful/energetic... just facts

worst track: i dk twilight im sorry 

4. limitless - nct

im talking so much ill stop talking djewnf ms limitless i love u... i orginally had cherry bomb album but this came out the 6th of jan :) queen... cherry bomb era was better in general but i love this album more :( limitless... is so good.. i fell in love w good thing cause i watch the same taeyong fancam and he looks sexy!!!! back 2 u and heartbreaker r both good dramatic songs.. baby dont like it iconic?? taeyongs rap.. kill me... and finally angel mayb top nct song in my opinion!

top track: limitless/angel 

worst track: i like heartbreaker but i listen to it the least! 

5. move - taemin

oh boy well listen... believe me when i say this deserves album of the year?? it is very rare for me to love an entire album this much like even w1 aka my ult group i dont love love love it... but move is so good n im so happy i got into taemin?? firstable, move... sexy.... very good... the choreo is so nice... i just enjoy this song so much..love... oh my... probably my favorite song on this album? it is so good... why is taemin such a god.??? he is such a great singer im in love with lee taemin.... crazy 4 u.... all of the songs in this album r sexy.. i just hav to say that but srsly... this song is so good...iconic... heart stop w seulgi?? the god vocalist in one song u already kno this is a good song.. this song gives different vibes from the rest of the tracks but its good .. rise... i want this song played at my funeral so everyone knows im coming back bitches!!! its so good.... i love ms rise so so much.. thirsty... taemin gets even more sexy w thirsty NJKDENW i need to stopc alling him sexy im sorry... but those r the vibes!!!! when i see him i think very manly... dancing... rated r!!! stone heart is so good... i love it idk what to say anymore i love each song on this album?? back to you... thi s song is slower than the rest .. but i wanna slow dance w taemin listening to this... why i can do... to get back to u... king... and lastly flame of love... a good song!!!! i listen to this the least i think but i rlly enjoy.... 

top track: love

worst track: none....

6. moonrise - day6 

theres alot of songs on this album?? but ill just talk abt my super fave tracks... also thank u day6 u hav 0 bad songs... what can i do? amazing...be lazy is such a cute song... m y anthem... hi hello mv is nice.. a relaxing song .. i loved you... pleas this is my favorite song from the album i think?? its so good i love kings day6! i need someone!!!! i rlly love this song... wow... 

top track: hmm i loved you or i need someone...

worst track: hi hello.. is not my style.. or ill try...

7. dont you worry honey - sir sly

oh welp. i listened to this at 3 am and i fell in love right away dkewj its so weird.. its so good... each song is pretty good like this is the album u wanna listen when ur driving w ur friends in the middle of the night trust me,. listen to it... their most famous song is high its pretty good... it was one of those rare albums.. like u hit next and its another banger??? i m in love with this album.... i understand not everyone liking it but its ... so good.... change is good. &run is funky... idk these peoples but theyre amazing.... this one reminds me of like a modern version of motolovs song dnewkj alter hmm this one is weird ya... but its good... wow....im listening rn wow.... im trying to compare their music to someone? its like.. fun kinda reminds me of franz ferdinand except its not rlly rock dkewj.. so like slower weird ... 2 am... wow... the beginning.. and then how it transitions.... worm... trippin...this one is funky.. this is what im listening too when im high and im stuck in a house when i go through a door i come out through another door dnewkjn thats how it feels.... headfirst... oh worm... i love this album so much wth.. im sorry oh mama is the last one k  this one is kinda slow? seems the most normal song 

top track: ive only listened to this album like 2 times so i cant choose mayb trippin or 2 am 

worst track: astronaut its okay

8. perfect velvet - red velvet

ill b honest i didnt listen to the entire thing but.. i skimmed through it and each song was good ... it was honestly a very good album.. like iw as surprised NDJKEW  each song is good i rlly dont wanna comment more until i listen to it fully but its an amazin g album.. queens... i love it 

9. universe - exo

yes i included this NDJKWEN why not the war? well bc i didnt listen to it NJDKEWNDEK.... i listened to this album while i was falling asleep and i just remember every song was good.. and idk their voices but they were all soothing thank u exo! im in love w this album i will talk abt it more when i listen to it aagain... its so good.... pleas.... 

[mentalillnessmouse]

hello? i have depression and anxiety. however, the depression part is really not diagnosed. recently, learning for school became much, much much harder than it was in past. i have my high school ending tests ahead of me and i cant really get through them without revising and learning. is there any way to learn? also teachers refuse to accomodate me and they just see a straight A student learning less and less. also, i skipped pills for 4 days and im feeling awful? should i worry abt that?

Hi Anon,

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such a rough time with school. I know it’s not easy to keep up with school stress when dealing with mental illness, so I encourage you to acknowledge the effort you are doing simply by continuing your education. It seems like you’re really trying your hardest - I can see that doing well means a lot to you!  I was also a straight A student so I can understand how frustrating it is for teachers to not accommodate you because you have this reputation of being a good student. 

When it comes to studying and learning, what I would recommend is that before you sit down to revise, make sure that your study area is tidy and free of distractions. It can be difficult to stay motivated if you can’t find anything + the regular cleaning can be comforting for some people. It might be a good idea to have your notes organised in advance before you start: they don’t have to be perfect, colorful or pretty, but organisation goes a long way in keeping us focused and in control. If you feel more motivated studying in a library or cafe, go for it. Having people around us can be motivating because we’re held accountable for what we have to get done.

Make sure to keep hydrated and eat adequate amounts of food. It’s usually a good idea to avoid junk food which tends to make us drowsy and tired and opt instead for nutritious food and snacks whenever possible.Caffeine is a helpful tool to keep us going, but it also raises our anxiety so use with caution. Showering and changing clothes goes a long way in making us feel fresh and motivated. Also, sleep. I know it’s tempting to opt for all nighters and study marathons but sleep is crucial. Not getting enough sleep reduces our concentration and increases our anxiety.

It’s usually a good idea to have a plan for your time. That involves distributing the amount of work you have in the time available because breaking things down helps make them more manageable. If you don’t have enough time to cover all the work, consider prioritising what seem to be the more important topics (maybe things your teachers spent most time on, stuff that you know is going to be in the tests for sure, things you don’t know at all vs things you sort of know) and leave out the rest. Also account for any setbacks you may face when planning the amount of time you’re going to allocate for a specific task.

It’s important to be realistic and if you feel like you can’t stay focused for an hour at a time, set half an hour and then have a break. Studying in short bursts is probably more effective than studying for 8 hours straight. If you know you’re better concentrated or less anxious at a certain time of day, try use it to your advantage. My professor once gave us a really useful tip: If you don’t manage to accomplish all that you had planned for that day, skip it and don’t try to catch up the following day. That way, the next day you can feel like you’ve accomplished something not constantly be behind schedule and have to catch up. On a similar note, it’s really valuable to recognize and celebrate our achievements however small they may appear. Little progress is still progress.

Another important aspect is to acknowledge the fact that you won’t manage to study and keep up to plan every single day. Sometimes you’re not up to it or you don’t have the energy, and that’s okay. Your mental illness is a real thing which you have to deal with and which does get in the way sometimes, and it’s not your fault. What I like to do if I can’t focus because of anxiety is to have a break of 15 or 30 minutes which I dedicate to worrying about all I need to worry about, then I get back to work. You can try out some productivity apps or perhaps even background music or sounds that you know relax you.

Remember to set time for self-care. Your mental and physical health is more important than school and tests. Set apart a couple of hours or a day for doing an activity you like, treat yourself to a long bath, a face mask or your favourite food. Setting aside a few minutes for breathing is especially important when revising because we tend to be sitting down for a long time with a cramped up posture that doesn’t allow us to breathe properly. A bit of exercise, stretching (anxiety tenses up our muscles!) or simply going for a walk tends to relax us and make us happy because brain chemicals (cliche, but true).

In conclusion, it’s about finding what works for you and going with it really. I know it’s not easy and much easier said than done so it’s okay to ask for support if you’re struggling be it from friends, family or maybe some counselling services at your school. Seeking a mental health professional or other support services at school may assist you in accessing any support that may be available. 

With regards to the medication, you will feel bad after you stop taking your medication because medication causes chemical changes in our body which we then have to adapt to when we’re going off it. There is a risk of relapse and reappearance of symptoms in the same way as stopping antibiotics prematurely would cause an infection to return. If for some reason or another you would like to stop or change your medication, it’s best to discuss that with your doctor who can guide you on how to do that safely. If you feel like something’s not working with the medication, your doctor may provide alternatives but it’s never a good idea to stop cold turkey. Withdrawal symptoms from medication can last for months and it’s really not worth it honestly, especially when tests are coming up and you have a lot to revise.

Best of luck Anon!- Tea