#i get more and more radicalized (become more reasonable) every day

[scintillyyy]

Hi. I love every second of your blog going "Fuck Chuck Dixon. All my homies hate Chuck Dixon." concurrent with "Dixon could often be remarkably competent as a writer with legit interesting ideas." Please never stop writing metas.

listennnnnn i hate dixon he's awful. he's also written stuff i really enjoy despite the many glaring faults.

the thing with dixon that i'm always trying to suss out tho. like, i think because current day dixon has been radicalized in a truly awful and horrendous way, there's a lot of desire to place his current day radical beliefs onto every aspect of his past works and blame everything on him and him alone as this one terrible writer who ruined all characters for ever and ever just because he's a conservative. but like. i think that because he's an awful person it's easy to place blame on him retroactively for some things that weren't necessarily solely a product of his conservatism or his fault alone.

and mmm. i never ever deny the conservatism present in his works. it's present in his robin book with tim, it's present in his nightwing book with dick, and it's present in his batman books with bruce. but people sometimes act as if he was working in a batoffice that had the current day issues it does where writers are given a carte blance to do whatever they want with all characters with little regards to continuity or character growth. that did not happen during his tim under denny in the 90s--denny o'neil was known for running a fairly tight ship (i can't find the interview but there's an interesting retrospective interview he does wrt jason where he talks about his failures as an editor and how he was too hands off and not firm enough allowing writers to do what they pleased which led him to become a much stricter and firm editor following jason's death because he learned from the experience). dixon in that interview i posted made it clear that o'neil wouldn't even let dixon touch the joker until dixon had demonstrated to o'neil he had a grasp on the character that o'neil approved of. dixon would not have been allowed to do whatever he wanted with characters like robin/tim. without o'neil putting a stop to it if he had gone too far. and for the record, o'neil was a big old bleeding heart liberal that, at the time at least, dixon is noted to have gotten along with very well despite their political opinion differences even at that time. dixon says he was an avid read of grant's work on batman. he's awful now, but at one point he was probably younger and a bit more willing to entertain ideas that weren't his own too.

so when i look back on his work as a historical work, i'm always trying to tease out the following - is this representive of dixon's brand of conservative views in particular or is it representative of a different, overall more conservative time era. and there's a lot of things that fall under the second umbrella that get attributed to the first tbh. listen i love no man's land and understand that despite my love it is full of copaganda and downright conservative ideals by today's standards. but NML wasn't written solely by dixon to push a uniquely conservative pro-cop view--o'neil approved of the story and was the editor of the office at the time. rucka was a huge player in helping tell this super pro-cop story (he even wrote the novelization!!) and nobody ever really puts blame on him for these things the way they do dixon afaik. NML being written in a 'democrats trying to be tough on crime' era absolutely means it's not solely the fault of dixon and his evil conservatism, but he often gets the flack as if it were despite the fact that he was getting these stories okayed by people on different ends of the political spectrum than him + these stories were not his evil conservative brainchild alone.

so these are the things i'm thinking when i read through his works. and maybe that gives me a rosier view than it should, but a lot of my thoughts come from "what can reasonably actually be attributed to showcasing what dixon's views actually are" vs "what might actually not be his fault and his fault alone".

and when i say that tim generally isn't the one who showcases his personal views, i'm not trying to minimize the fact that there is inherent conservatism baked in to his character along with everyone else written by dixon, i'm saying that we need to be realistic and realize that dixon did not have as much freedom to do with tim what he had freedom to do with tim's side characters. tim, after all, had to ultimately fit in o'neil's batbible framework of what he was supposed to be because tim was ultimately an IP character who was part of a batman and robin mythos that o'neil was very, very protective of in the 90s given his previous failures to maintain control of the ship. so when you consider dixon's particular conservatism in tim's books you need to consider that the vast majority of it came from the characters surrounding tim (such as his dad, dana, steph, etc) because dixon had more freedom with those sorts of characters, rather than tim himself who often doesn't have any particular opionion of his own--he's just reacting to all the different opinions being presented to him. and that's not to say that those character should be evil conservatives forever and ever--in fact, i personally think they shouldn't. but take the racist and classist inner city kids are bringing guns to school storyline in robin #25-26. as a whole it's a conservative story. o'neil allowed dixon to do the story in the first place when he could have said no. in the story tim wanders around not knowing what to do about karl bringing a gun to school--which is why he has to go to his dad and dana, who represent "go to the cops/don't be a narc options"--his dad is the one who tries to talk to karl's dad--karl is the conservative one who thinks that they need to protect themselves from inner city kids compared to tim who thinks that guns shouldn't be in school. but tim also thinks that they shouldn't go to the cops and wants his dad to handle it by himself, but eventually comes to the realization that he should have gone to school administration to begin with. in these issues, steph is also the one who dixon uses to link karl's shooting to the inner city kids who are getting bused in to the suburban schools--we talk about that panel of steph declaring herself the protector of the suburbs, but also that panel in context is within the confines of the story--steph is essentially saying "maybe the suburbs need a spoiler (to protect themselves from the inner city people coming to bring crime out to them)" which absolutely is a conservative dixonism that you can pinpoint to his particular kind politics in comparison to the milquetoast of tim's "i don't know what to do/talk to a trusted adult to get help before tragedy happens PSA/overall conservativeness" that happens. that the story itself that exists in tim's book is conservative, yes, and i won't deny that tim also has a few conservative dialogue here but to me the difference is that o'neil would not let dixon use tim drake to go on any overtly political rants or represent any specific ideology *himself* that could make him controversial with readers of the time given how protective o'neil was of not repeating his previous mistakes. you're generally going to find the more egregious dixonisms outside of tim. like "robin 1993 is a conservative book that has a pro-life storyline" (true) =/= "tim goes on an anti-abortion rant" (not true, literally never happened). tim shares blame because ultimately it is his book that presents a conservative worldview but tim as a character tends to exist as a more moderate (not completely, but more) character to have other characters present options and opinions to him rather than he himself saying he has those opinions. robin cannot take sides like that. o'neil wouldn't have let that happen.

and like. when discussing dixon my goal is never to completely absolve tim of dixon's writing. i just don't often see a need to completely rehash the tim-conservatism points because it's been discussed already over and over again to the point there's a pretty widespread misconception that tim is the ultimate dixon conservative mouthpiece who is solely at fault for all of robin 93's conservatism when actually there's a lot of other interesting places dixon's conservatism presents that are almost never discussed in comparison. my goal is not to be "tim's not at fault" or anything but it is to seriously consider and think about where i see dixon's personal opinions shining through more overtly based on what i know of the conservative mindset (as much as i don't agree with it). dissecting dixon and how he writes in consideration of his beliefs is fascinating and fun to me.

anyways he's awful.

[be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie]

Melissa Barrera is the coolest person I know and I hope she knows that. The Scream franchise made a huge mistake and they will regret it.

[pikahlua]

Uh oh, it's sleepy grumpy Pika. Y'all know what that means, right?

It means I have no filter for my opinions.

If you're dissatisfied with the way Katsuki's bullying of Izuku is handled in MHA because you expected him to be confronted by someone else about it in some way, it's probably because you are unaware of the difference between bullying and attitudes towards it in Japan versus in your country of origin. I believe everyone would benefit from researching bullying in Japan. They do NOT view it the same way the west does, y'all.

And I guarantee when you learn about it, you're gonna find some stuff that makes you uncomfortable and horrified, because it's gonna take a while for you to get enough information to give context to a lot of the history and attitudes you'll find. AND EVEN THEN, EVEN WHEN YOU HAVE THAT CONTEXT, you're still definitely not going to like it.

However, with any luck, you'll see how MHA's portrayal of Katsuki's bullying is shockingly sympathetic and heartwarming to many people. It's because, from the perspective of a Japanese audience, Izuku was not targeted and bullied by Katsuki in the way we're used to seeing such situations portrayed in the west. Izuku was bullied by everyone. His classmates, his teachers, the pro heroes he encountered, and society in general ALL participated in the bullying of Izuku, because societal pressures to conform in Japan are MASSIVE, and that can often manifest as one form of bullying or another.

Katsuki's bullying is just the one that the story chooses to flesh out. It's the one that Horikoshi develops. Katsuki is the bully that changes his own perspective first and drastically, the one who realizes the greatness in Izuku and accepts that and comes to his side long before the rest of society can catch up. It is largely understood by the Japanese audience that Katsuki in middle school didn't seek Izuku out and follow him home every day to beat him up; Katsuki mostly ignored Izuku until Izuku would do something to remind Katsuki of his insecurities, and so he would lash out. And no one else at let's say Izuku's middle school would understand the true reason why Katsuki would lash out because what he does resembles what all of Izuku's bullies do to him: pressure him to conform. Pre-One For All Izuku stands out as different and constantly tries to rise above his position to become something society decrees he cannot be. Therefore, a significant part of Japanese society will generally approve of attempts to make him conform, even when some of those attempts are harsh and cruel and unreasonable and reactionary. MHA presents a caricature of that in the form of Izuku's middle school.

The fact that Katsuki identifies this toxic behavior in himself later in the story and decides to actively do something to change it IS the radical part. It's the piece that fits into the themes of MHA. It highlights a generally-accepted behavior in society that maybe society should rethink. It's asking for society to reconsider how it pressures people to conform, that sometimes nonconformity is good or at least should be tolerated to some degree. That's why Katsuki's story focuses so much on how his old behavior stems from fear. From the perspective of a "properly-functioning" collectivist society, pressure to conform should be done for the good of everyone in the society, not out of fear and misunderstanding. Katsuki's character arc provides one potential map for others in society to see the light and get to where he does.

And that's to say nothing of how Japan's versions of confrontation or retribution often look different from how they do in the west, that many of the forms of confrontation some people in the western fandom cry out for with regards to Katsuki sound absurd to an audience in the know. The karmic punishments Katsuki endures throughout the story are often overlooked by western readers, and is it any surprise? That readers from some societies--societies that laud nonconformity, tolerate counterculture, openly criticize the systems that be, preach about individual freedom and responsibility and justice and fairness, and watch and make movies and TV shows and other media about how victims of bullies achieve their righteous revenge--often miss how MHA doles out subtle, divine, poetic, karmic consequences for Katsuki's actions? That such readers often don't feel satisfied by MHA's dramatic ironies which serve more to guide Katsuki in a harmonious, productive direction rather than vindictively punish him and rest on its laurels as it laughs at his deserved misfortune? I don't blame anyone for feeling unsatisfied when their own societies have built up their expectations in such ways, but I do hope to draw your attention to it.

Now, does that mean you have to like and accept the Japanese attitudes about bullying? That you have to agree with the framing of pressure to conform as beneficial and productive? That, if you're triggered by the lack of overt condemnation of bullying in the story, you still have to like MHA? That, if you have personal traumatic experiences with Japan's bullying situation, you should shut up about it and accept that it's a good thing? No! In fact, I personally would hope that you don't! I think everyone should always have their perspectives on ANYTHING challenged so they can rethink and improve them, and Japan's attitude towards bullying is no exception! (And MHA actually does that in its own way!)

(And even saying that, I will always acknowledge that my perspective and opinions on this issue are heavily colored by my own experiences in life and the society in which I grew up and the ideas to which I've been exposed. This is and always will be my bias.)

But the question of what's the correct take on bullying is an entirely different beast. The question at hand here is about understanding the story and its characters as presented in MHA. If you don't come at this with a basic acknowledgement of how Katsuki's story reads to a Japanese audience in-context, you're going to be upset about what you see (which is a reasonable reaction). But I think if you're going to read a story, it's only due courtesy to understand the context surrounding its creation before you try to hold it to far-removed, foreign standards. There's a reason literature classes go over the history and context surrounding the older works they study. MHA is a Japanese story written for a Japanese audience. To focus on how it does not adhere to the typical western narrative of a bully's character arc is to miss the point entirely. If you are reading the story outside of Japan in a language other than Japanese, it is being translated so that you can read a Japanese story, not a story from your own culture. It's rude and self-defeating to expect stories from other cultures to suddenly cater to your own.

TL;DR Understanding the social context that informs bullying in MHA just might actually make the story more comprehensible and enjoyable for anyone who dares to learn about it, what do you have to lose?

[velvetvexations]

my personal take on "antigonism" is that it's entirely what you make of it. which is to say, i agreed with your post explaining why you felt such a term was necessary, and i do think this mentality of "most of us are normal about each other" and simply assuming we understand each other's experiences by virtue of being trans is reinventing artificial gender solidarity between cis people ("bros before hoes", "girl's girl") but superimposed onto trans people. which can be particularly contentious, given that we're an extremely traumatized bunch with a lot of baggage and massively diverging perspectives on all kinds of things. relating to each other outside of conventional gender relations means we have to put in that much more work to bridge the gaps between us, because we can no longer rely on the common assumptions made about men and women to carry our interactions, if that makes sense.

i do think a whole word for transfem-to-transmasc solidarity does toe a line between being unnecessarily inflammatory and conditionally useful. i'm genuinely glad for the people who felt seen and appreciated by the fact that a transfem made so explicit her stance on intracommunity issues. i'm also sympathetic to the people who feel put-off by such a word. when does allyship become chauvinistic? there is no word for a non-misogynistic man to signal to women that he is explicitly anti-antifeminist, for example. do we need one? i think a vast majority would say no, on account of simply stating he believes in feminist principles to suffice. so i'm wondering what specifically the push was for you to coin a word around tfem4tmasc solidarity, because while i do think trans people as a whole need to take significantly more initiative about rooting out transmisogyny and transandrophobia both, i'm not quite clear on what could signal more clearly a transfem's stance on intracommunity dialogue than just saying "i believe in transandrophobia and condemn all radfems". all feminism, transfeminism included, has had their malicious actors-- the existence of transradfems isn't really anything noteworthy as far as the broader feminist conversations go.

i hope this doesnt come across as confrontational because i think the people who found comfort in the fact that you are willing to go that far for them is truly heartwarming. i just don't want to see us splinter further into microfactions over something like one person coining one maybe-overenthusiastic word on the internet

Sincerely, there is a word for men who are anti-anti-feminist, though, they're feminists. Granted, self-identified "feminist" men have somewhat of a negative stereotype associated to them, but still, feminist men are feminists.

One of the biggest reasons I think a term would be useful is because so many people feel unsafe in the trans community because of trans radical feminism right now that it can help them relax a lot when they see a trans woman identifies as such. Just reminding people with assurances that most trans women are Normal doesn't really help that when they keep running into ones who aren't over and over.

TRFs are aggressive about this stuff. Seriously, every single day, post after post, their primary form of activism is crying about TMEs stealing kinks and liking a children's toy too much. I feel strongly that should be countered. Even if they aren't the majority, they sure as hell act like it and repeat how great it is that every single trans woman except velvetvexations alone agrees with them.

To be absolutely clear, I do not think I'm the only non-weird trans woman! That is just literally what they say about me! They may be the minority now but that frog is boiling.

IRL transmascs are forced out of spaces and talked over when they're let in because mascuwinity is scawy, No doubt transfems have similar problems because some spaces are TERF-y, but that problem is exacerbated when social media is filled with TRF rhetoric because it gets drilled into people's heads they need to be worried about that, and I don't think "touch grass" is a good response to that.

Hell, what if someone touches grass and then they do happen to end up having people be transandrophobic/exorsexist/intersexist/etc. to them? "Oh, well, that didn't count, try again somewhere else, I prommy that's not Normal."

It's all about volume. I feel very, very strongly that volume is necessary here, to combat the feeling that that radical feminism is around every corner and help people feel at ease and know trans women are with them.

[seafoamreadings]

week of december 29th, 2024

these are written predominantly for the *rising* signs but they are also intuitively "channeled" enough that they should work for any dominant energy you have! (try your sun if you don't know rising, or more advanced readers can try moon, anywhere you have a stellium, etc and see what works best for you!)

aries: plutonic and martial themes both abound this week. you're thus dealing with some fairly intense power struggle or ego battle. your power of will is a major and even spiritual part of your human existence so don't stuff it down or cast it aside, but check to make sure it's in a reasonable balance. when you act in the right you will tend to win battles under these influences.

taurus: the new moon at the very start of this week is great if you want to travel, study, or tell a radical truth. after that your ruling planet venus also because extra influential by moving into pisces. embrace your most venusian qualities.

gemini: some relationship/status matters may arise with a certain level of tension or even a degree of actual unpleasantness. on the other hand, status issues related to your public-facing image actually benefit you. your reputation becomes unusually graceful with the ingress of venus into pisces.

cancerians: the new moon this week is a relationships starting-over point if you wish it. starting over or starting fresh, whichever you need. furthermore venus into pisces is a possible harbinger of a new romance or aesthetic venture and especially if it relates to unconditional, universal love. for cancerians who love to get lost in love, this is the time.

leo: leonic sorts seeking deep emotional connections with other people, whether inside or outside a romantic relationship, or seeking magical, occult, manifestational superpowers will be pleased with the venusian passage through pisces. it starts this week. don't let anyone squash your glamour.

virgo: the new moon immediately beginning the week helps you set intentions and manifest anything that is fun and creative to your mind, from a garden to a painting to a whirlwind affair. not to mention sparkly venus in pisces begins this week, so if you enjoy said affair you get some help making it more solid and permanent without losing its ethereal and magical qualities.

libra: there is a lot of nodal activity affecting you this week which can be quite passionate, for better or worse. at the same time your ruling planet is entering its exaltation in pisces which makes you extremely magnetic without even trying. you electrify all the people (and everything else!) around you in your day to day life. that's a power i hope you're using for good!

scorpio: your modern ruler (pluto) and ancient/traditional ruler (mars) are in touch all week, and in fixed signs to boot. this can be a difficult time for you but also a productive (spiritually) one. it's eased and soothed a bit by venus heading for your 5th house. you create with ease and you feel the deep vibration of love underlying all things, at least if you put the slightest bit of effort into looking.

sagittarius: it's simply not your way to spend every moment of every day at home. and yet even nomadic centaurs need a base to crash. hopefully not literally crash - don't burn yourself out like that. make your home base a beautiful oasis in the desert of life this week.

capricorn: start this week off with a little bit of early new year's resolve. you already know what your aims and goals are, so why wait for january 1st? meanwhile this week is your last with mars in leo instead of opposite your sign in cancer. death/taxes/the taboo may come to a flashpoint while relationships may be bubbling under the surface ready to take the stage in potentially explosive ways. i tell you this not to scare you, but to help you prepare and make that process as smooth as possible.

aquarius: venus into pisces shifts your focus from your personal aesthetics and self image to real money magic. no one else ever gets quite this powerful of a second-house venus passage. it's not *just* finances of course, but all resources. but you are magnetic to them, especially when living in alignment with your most authentic values.

pisces: you're now hosting saturn and the two most powerful planets which can be in your sign: neptune, in domicile, and venus, in exaltation. people will underestimate you. ignore it and shine your brightest all the same. it's their loss and not yours.

watch the transit posts in real time to have the best guide through your week. want a little more? have a look at my patreon or ko-fi.

check out my etsy for a private reading or fill out this form to set up a reading through venmo, cashapp, or paypal.

[unhingedmarvelandclassicwhobuff]

Apparently at some point MCU fans collectively agreed that the Blip takes place on October 17th, 2023. Which is today. So I figured I'd take the time to detail the four biggest reasons why the time jump in Endgame was a universe-shatteringly horrible idea that should never have seen the light of day

the absolute biggest problem, of which there are many, is the fact that countless people died as collateral damage in the initial Snap. Hell, we are shown it in the Infinity War post-credit scene with those multiple car accidents and that helicopter slamming into a building. And that was just the tip of the iceberg; imagine how many planes crashed because the pilots were dusted, or how many babies starved because both their parents were dusted, or people who may have died on the operating table because a surgeon got dusted. All of these people are totally ignored. It's never so much as mentioned when talking about bringing everyone back, and Tony insisting that the last five years remain unchanged is implicitly saying all of those people remained dead when the dusted returned.

the second big problem with this plot point is that it's used as an excuse for every character except Nat to be totally unrecognizable. Bruce becomes Professor Hulk, Thor gets fat, Tony has a family (and I fucking love how the movie inadvertently says he just let the world rot for five years instead of using his billions of help. That is 100% in character for him), Clint went on a mass killing spree, and Steve... I actually have no idea what made him change so radically. None of this is shown to us at all, it's just told to us.

this is less a problem with Endgame and more a problem with Phases 4 and 5, but the other worse thing about this development is that absolutely nothing has been done with it. Far From Home played the time-jump for comedy, WandaVision had that one great scene in the hospital and then did nothing else, Shang-Chi had a singular throwaway line about the Blip, Hawkeye had that one neat visual of getting Snapped from Yelena's POV and then nothing else, Multiverse of Madness had a single conversation where Strange wonders if letting Tony have his way was the only way to save the universe, Quantumania had a single scene addressing the homelessness issue and then nothing else, and I think Secret Invasion tried to do a bit of a look at how Talos reacted to the Blip, but that show was so awful that I'd rather not think about it. The only projects to do anything at all with the Blip as a major plot point are Falcon and the Winter Soldier and Eternals.

the fourth and final massive problem with the Blip is pretty simple yet complicated; it ignores the absolutely insurmountable societal implications both the Snap and the Blip would have. Think about it; half the fucking universe disintegrates into ash. There are SO many things that would do to just human society alone. But even more importantly, five years after all those people were declared dead (meaning wills are executed, spouses remarried, jobs and homes redistributed, etc) those people suddenly reappear, and from their POV it's only been a second. Just to put it in perspective, the Snap happened on April 29th, 2018. Doesn't that feel like forever ago? If the Snap were real, all those people would have been gone until today. That is such a huge mindfuck that I'm shocked no one went insane. And even looking aside from the psychological impact, all those people are pretty fucking screwed. Far From Home had a single scene addressing this, then promptly forgot about it.

My final point is less of a problem and more of an amusing byproduct; since Tony directly forbids Bruce from undoing the last five years, that means the events of WandaVision, Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Hawkeye, No Way Home, Multiverse of Madness, and Secret Invasion are on some level his fault. That’s fucking hysterical.

I suppose I'll be absolutely fair and say that rewinding time isn't a morally perfect solution either, as you would be erasing any maturity the survivors gained during those five years, as well as anyone born in that time. But that's just all the more reason to NOT HAVE A FUCKING TIME-SKIP!!! I still think the only reason it was done was for cheap shock value.

All in all, the five-year time jump is the single worst major plot point in the MCU. Fight me.

[copperbadge]

Sam, I must know what sort of things Gerald blogs about on his Tumblr. How old or active is his account? Is his identity a secret?

It's actually a reference to an older post where @dignitywhatdignity pointed out there was no way Ger wasn't on Tumblr. :D Reproduced my response below -- first, Photogram:

I can picture Jerry’s Photogram in my head very clearly because I’ve had to research the children of rich people and their fucking obnoxious instas, and Jerry’s is probably equal parts expensive cars, club glam, and scenic vistas, but mainly because that’s like…what you do. It’s just kind of the done thing, like wearing a shirt when you leave the house. 

Update: Gerald's photogram has shifted radically -- he still treats it as a Thing You Do but especially now that he's a dad it's a lot more Parenting Lifestyle stuff. Because a few of my friends have had babies in the last two years and I had to research the babies my fictional characters were having, the algo now thinks I have baby fever, so I get a lot of Parent Influencer content, and I bet Gerald does a lot of sly fun-poking at that stuff. Like, posting a photo of a bottle warmer and a bib-washing tabletop machine with commentary like "You cannot buy any of this in the shop I don't have, but if you're going to buy one stupid thing as a parent, buy the bib washer. Not a single shirt you own will be unstained but the bibs will be immaculate."

They don't post pictures of Serafina, though -- there are a couple of official portraits for PR reasons but day-to-day that shit is locked to friends and family only. (There are special websites for this, I have friends who use them, it's pretty neat.) The only time random candids of her are out there are usually when someone snaps Michaelis toting her around Fons-Askaz with her cousins -- the "King Emeritus and Royal Ducklings" are becoming a very familiar sight. At least once a week Michaelis takes Noah and Joan out for an afternoon in town with Sera in a snugli and the twins in a stroller. Don't ask him about his stepson and grandkids unless you really want to hear about them.

Meanwhile he also definitely has a secret super-weird tumblr and nobody can figure out if he’s roleplaying or shitposting or what when he posts stuff like “The family groupchat is all well and good until it starts heavily impacting local politics.” Are those horses really his or is he just visiting a barn? Is that…a photo of a plate full of appetizers at “My cousin’s latest house party” with Angela Merkel in the background? He certainly has some strong feelings about Princess Diana and equally strong feelings about Tsar Nicholas. Why is he one of only three people the official Eddie Rambler tumblr follows?

Gerald's tumblr has also slowed down since the diagnosis and becoming a dad, but the content is still random as hell and more authentically wild than his photogram. Again, no photos of Serafina, but it's very evident that whoever is running that particular tumblr has had a kid, or is pretending they have. He gets asks accusing him of faking shit for clout and every time he does, his response is simply to write the ask on a sheet of paper in longhand and photograph it in front of a famous European landmark and/or political figure.

Alanna tolerates this because it does keep him out of mischief and sometimes he takes Serafina with him to whatever landmark he's visiting, and she gets to have a quiet apartment to herself for a while.

(”Eddie Rambler’s on tumblr?” someone asks, and someone else replies “Name me one other TV chef brave AND stupid enough to be on tumblr” and then you realize it is in fact the official Eddie Rambler tumblr saying that.)

Eddie doesn't post to his official Tumblr anymore because he rarely has time and doesn't need to do the self-promotion, but Katie in Communications checks his inbox once a week and brings him the most entertaining asks to respond to. He's currently hovering somewhere around the level of Neil Gaiman in terms of "Famous people who are inexplicably on Tumblr."

Ultimately there develops a running joke that Jerry’s tumblr is run by either a) an upper-class vampire (rude) or b) the elected king of a micronation on the Mediterranean coast with a name nobody can spell (super rude!) 

One time Gerald accidentally pocket-posted a blurry selfie to his Tumblr but it was so poorly focused and clearly accidental that a bunch of people got mad at him for violating the privacy of the Duke of Shivadlakia. He had to pretend to have a week-long beef with himself to save face. He eventually got Noah to take a selfie with him, blanked out Noah's face, and then claimed the Duke had forgiven him and here was a selfie with him as proof.

It's a hard old life, being Duke of Shivadlakia, but someone's got to do it.

[see-the-fandom-imagines]

What's in it for me?

Chapter 11

Chapter 1     Masterlist Pairing: Kyouya Ootori x Reader Author: see-the-fandom-imagines Warnings: None, really Author’s Note: Sorry this took again forever, I will upload the next 4 chapters in the next days :) Thanks for reading <3 Tag List: @radical-bunny, @redsakura101​, @ellouisa17​, @hyunjinsslutbbg, @fairyv-ice

Link to Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46325452/chapters/116633701

<p>During lunch you had more or less willingly positioned yourself inbetween Mori and Kyouya and were highly glad that you could focus on Mori and the twins across from you. You were a little more relaxed now as the whole atmosphere seemed to have calmed down a bit and while half-heartedly listening to a story Kaoru told about Hikaru's first stuffed animal you let your mind wander and you thought fondly about Kyouya’s reaction to half the products in the supermarket. He had almost reminded you of Tamaki, mesmerised by all the offers and sales, although you were sure he would have been almost insulted if you had told him that.<br />

A small smile creeped on your face, but faltered again, when suddenly you felt Kyouya’s leg bump into yours, ripping you out of your thoughts and not moving once the contact had been established. Irritated you looked up at him, but he was nodding at Hikaru, presumably listening to something the older twin was saying. You moved your gaze back to your food and decided to not move your leg either. Yours had been there first and to be honest, you didn’t mind the touch. Quite the contrary.</p>

<p>After lunch everybody finally said goodbye and went their separate ways, including you. You just wanted to turn around and get home, your bed was calling for you after a day like that, when suddenly you felt a hand on your shoulder. Surprised you turned around to see Kyouya standing behind you, nodding towards his car. “Let me drive you home.”<br />

“Oh, it’s fine, really”, you reassured him. You felt like he had done enough for you over the past couple of weeks, and you really didn’t want to owe him more than you already did. “It’s not very far, I can take the train.”<br />

“It is late, your part of town can become quite dangerous, and as a member of our club we have a certain responsibility towards you. Furthermore I might use the chance to introduce myself to your aunt now, too, if she is at home.”<br />

You squinted, trying to figure out his real motives. Of course, he had to have some form of gain from his, but was meeting your aunt really reason enough for him to take a detour? But you were also kind of exhausted and knew arguing with him didn’t make sense anyways. Furthermore you weren’t necessarily too opposed to the idea of spending more time with him, wether you wanted to admit it or not.<br />

He got into the car before you, not holding open the door for you, you noticed, but you didn’t actually mind. You didn’t care too much about stuff like that and something made you feel like it was some form of weird compliment. He did not hold up an appearance for you, and somehow you liked seeing that.</p>

<p>You climbed in behind him and adjusted your seatbelt, painfully aware of him watching your every move and trying to ignore the butterflies his stare set loose in your belly. Suddenly he spoke out again.<br />

“Are you not going to thank me?”<br />

“For kidnapping me?”, you retorted, and the smile appeared back on his face. Suddenly you were very aware that you were in a highly confined space with Kyouya alone. And although there was probably a driver somewhere in the front of this car, there was a screen between you and them just like in the movies that separated you.<br />

“Fair”, he said, leaning back in his chair, but you noticed the tiniest smirk playing on his features. The car began to move and you didn’t even question how the driver knew where to go. Maybe he actually was kidnapping you, you never knew with Kyouya. You were sure you were worth a little bit of money on the black market.<br />

“Let me see if she is home first, though, or you have kidnapped me for nothing. And I am not paying for the gas!”<br />

He chuckled and your heart jumped a little.<br />

“No worries”, he said, “in that case you can repay me differently.”<br />

You rolled your eyes, trying to to keep your mind away from the gutter, but smiled. You would not give him that win that easily. He was just saying this to tease you, some form of friendly banter you two had silently established between each other. With anyone else you might have called it flirting, but with Kyouya it felt like he was just provoking you, somehow testing how you would respond. Why you hadn't quite figured out yet, but you knew that he liked to be challenged. After all this time together you had understood more or less how his mind worked. Well, most of the time.<br />

“Also”, he spoke up again, interrupting your thoughts, and you watched him shift a little in his seat as his hand glided into his pocket, suddenly revealing a small box wrapped in paper and decorated with a small blue ribbon. You looked up at him with big eyes. An invoice? A time bomb? Or maybe it was just...<br />

“What’s that?”<br />

“It was your birthday, wasn’t it?”<br />

“Yeah, but…”<br />

“Well, in most places in the world, people gift each other something for their birthdays.”<br />

You were almost speechless. “You got me a present?”<br />

“It appears so.”<br />

“But… why?”<br />

You noticed that he hesitated. You had caught him off-guard with that question you noticed It almost seemed like he wasn’t entirely sure, either. Dodging the question, he moved his hand, as if to place it back into his pocket. “Well, if you don’t want it, I’ll return it.”<br />

“No, no!”, you quickly said and bit your lip as you saw his challenging gaze. He had known you’d react like that. This round went to him. “I mean I was just surprised. I don’t get a lot of gifts normally.”<br />

“I know you told me you find it frightening when I do something  that could be considered... nice, but do not think I am doing this just to do you a favour.”<br />

You hesitated for a second, but then you held open your hand and he dropped it in your palm. “Open it. I can't give it back, if you don’t like it.”<br />

Carefully and with big eyes you began unwrapping the small package. It revealed… “A daruma?” Carefully you took it out of the small package and noticed that a little charm was hanging around its neck. It was a simple leather band with a seashell attached to it. You looked up surprised.<br />

Kyouya shrugged, and you noticed that he actually seemed a little bit nervous, head turned away to look out of the window, feigning indifference. But the way his eyes trailed back to you revealed, that he was waiting for your reaction. “Well, it’s not blessed, nor is it New Years, but I saw it and I thought, maybe you’d like it, but I’d fully understand if …”<br />

“Thank you. I love it.”<br />

You noticed him relax a bit into his seat. He nodded, now turning back to you. “I saw it in Okinawa. And since you had said you liked the beach, I thought, maybe you actually enjoy things like that. I didn’t choose anything expensive as I did not want to make you uncomfortable." And then he added in true Kyouya-fashion. "I recently read that by purchasing a birthday gift, you will improve employee morale and help the recipient feel valued.”<br />

You nodded slowly, but couldn't suppress a small chuckle. Even if it was just a present out of courtesy, you really loved it. And something told you that maybe, just maybe Kyouya had actually done something nice for you, just because he wanted. You knew he wasn't as cold as he always acted to be. “I do feel very valued", you finally replied, "In case the annual review comes up, I will be sure to mention it.” The daruma sat in your hand, the light breaking in its still empty eyes. “Thank you”, you said again, this time a bit softer. You carefully placed it back in the box, careful not to break it. “So I have a free wish and a memory.”<br />

You stroke carefully over the little package with your thumb, smiling down at it. It was simple, but that didn’t matter. Kyouya had given you a present. For your birthday. And it meant an awful lot to you.<br />

After a short silence he spoke up again. “So, what are you going to wish for?”<br />

You thought for a second, but then shook your head. “Well, I can’t tell you yet, can I? Maybe I’ll let you know once it became true.”<br />

He scoffed. “It’s a daruma, not a birthday cake.”<br />

You shrugged. “I don’t mind. It’s a secret." You carefully placed it in your bag, and instead took out your phone. “I should tell Miwako that I am coming home, though.”<br />

But as happy as you had just felt a second ago, as physically sick were you getting now, because when you lit up your phone screen you noticed that you had five missed calls. Your heart, which had been beating happily until now, seemed to miss a beat, as you could feel the familiar feeling of uneasiness rise up in your throat.<br />

“What the hell”, you whispered, and noticed Kyouya shifting, but you didn’t look at him. Suddenly you had a really bad feeling.<br />

You held the phone to your ear and listened to the familiar beeping, until your aunt picked up, her tone making your blood run ice cold. Something had happened.</p>

<p>Without a word you handed Kyouya the phone, your voice dry and emotionless. You noticed your hand was shaking. “She wants to talk to you.”<br />

Miwako had not actually told you what had happened yet, she had wanted to know if you were still at Haruhi's and although she had hesitated for a split second, she had requested to speak with Kyouya once she found out that he was taking you home. You tried to focus on your breath, on his expression as he talked. Fear was creeping up on you and made it hard to breath. You heard your aunt say something indistinguishable for you and suddenly Kyouya looked at you, expression serious and it didn’t help. You had never seen him like this. You tried to focus on his features to calm you down, his sharp cheek bones, his perfect skin. The neatly combed hair, the full lips and the dark brown eyes that wouldn’t look away from you. You noticed a small beauty mark on his chin and you wondered if he had always had that, tried to think about everything else than what your aunt was going to tell you in a moment.<br />

Kyouya didn’t say anything about you staring and instead he handed the phone back to you after what felt like forever. Your hand was still shaking as you picked it up from his grip, his fingers brushing against yours, and you wished they would have stayed, you wished he would hold your hand, keeping you safe and steady, but instead he was just watching you, prepared for whatever would come next.</p>

<p>-----</p>

<p>You dropped the phone, your breath was going rapidly now. “Stop the car”, you hissed and as Kyouya didn’t react you said it even louder. “Stop. The car!”<br />

Kyouya gave the order to the driver and although your gaze was still focused on your own feet, you felt him pull in to the left and stop. The second the car stopped, you ripped open the door and ran outside. “(Y/n!)”, you heard Kyouya’s voice behind you. “You can’t just – ”, you heard him get out behind you, but you didn’t care you ran the past few metres to the closest bush you saw and you just threw up. Your stomach was cramping and you couldn’t keep in anything from the lunch you had just shared together at Haruhi's place. You didn’t want him to see you like that, but you also couldn’t make it stop.<br />

He hesitated getting closer to you at first, but finally seemed to get over himself and knelt down next to you. He didn’t look at you, you noticed from the corner of your eye, his gaze was lifted up into the sky to give you at least a little privacy and you were thankful for it. He had positioned a hand on your back, kneeling next to you at the roadside, waiting for you to be done.<br />

You coughed a few more times and looked up to see him hold out a textile handkerchief to you. You didn’t protest, but just grabbed it, cleaning your face, trying to understand what was happening. You were still breathing rapidly and you felt the first hot tear, running down your face. You tried to bring sense into what just had happened, but you couldn’t. Your mind was full and you didn’t know on what to focus first. You buried your head in your hands and let out a silent scream, your body heaving with sobs your mind filled with sheer panic.<br />

You were on your knees in the middle of the city, right in front of the guy you liked and who after this would surely never be able to see you the same way, unable to move a muscle. Your body was heaving with sobs, but no noise escaped your mouth. It was all your fault. Your aunt was in danger. You had ruined it all, she should have never taken you in. You destroyed her life yet again. She could have gotten away if it wasn’t for you.<br />

Suddenly you felt two hands on your shoulders, gently pushing your upper body up, so that you were forced to sit up. You still let your head hang low, your eyes pressed shut, it was all too much.<br />

“(Y/n)”, you heard Kyouya’s clear voice through your haze of noise, feeling his hands gently press into your shoulders. “(Y/n), look at me.” You didn’t move. His grip tightened, but not enough to hurt, just to emphasize his words. He said it again, more demanding this time. “(Y/n), I need you to look at me.”<br />

You tried to take a deep breath, opening your eyes and looking up into Kyouya’s face. Something about the expression on his face made all the noise and all the voices become quieter. You tried to block out everything else, the street, the people watching, and just focus on his face, his eyes, his voice, his scent. You just felt his hands on your shoulders, saw his face in front of you and heard his clear voice. “Your aunt is safe. I have dispatched two officers of our police force.” You wondered when he had done that, but it didn’t even matter. You nodded carefully. “One in front of your house. And one in front of the hospital. She is going to be safe.”<br />

Your breath became calmer again, you were mesmerized by his voice and by his eyes. You couldn’t look away. The fear subsided slightly. You still couldn’t speak and you were still trembling.<br />

“And I have promised your aunt to keep you safe, too, and I am very intent on keeping my promise.” You nodded. He let go of your shoulders without a warning and stood up, looking down at you expectantly. “Get up. You're stronger than this.” He wasn’t going to help you up. He expected to get up yourself. All he did was hold out a hand for you to grab, but the rest you had to do yourself. You wanted to collapse again, but you took a deep breath. He was right. You had done it before, you could do it again. Your aunt was safe, that was the most important thing and you couldn’t rely on other people for the rest of your life. “I do not know what exactly is going on, but I can promise you that nothing is going to happen to you.” His voice was firm and it was exactly what you needed right now. You believed him.<br />

You took one last breath, before you took Kyouya’s hand, using it to stabilize yourself while standing up. You were still trembling, but you could somewhat think again. “Very good”, he said, and your heart leaped in your chest. You wanted to do well. You nodded carefully, your voice still hoarse and your throat hurting from puking and crying. “Thank you”, you said awkwardly not knowing what to do now, trying to bring sense into your head.<br />

“Get in the car”, he ordered, although his voice was a little softer now. “I am going to bring you back to Haruhi’s place.”<br />

You nodded and followed him into his car. You were staring at your knuckles, your fists were clenched so hard that they had begun to turn white.<br />

“I am sorry”, you whispered, and Kyouya looked at you, as he scooched in after you. He didn’t say a word, but instead after a short pause, and what looked like him considering the situation, wrapped his arm around your shoulders and pulled you into his chest, holding you tightly. He didn’t say it was alright, he didn’t tell you all would be fine. He was far too pragmatic for that. He was just sitting next to you holding you, calmly, and although your heart skipped a beat at the sudden contact, you actually managed to calm down and breathe again. Suddenly, you felt safer. He didn't have to say another word for you to understand that he was not going to let anything happen to you. His touch grounded you. The rest of the car ride was silent, you trying to calm your breath, breathing in his scent, and him, silently gazing out the window, his muscles tensing up every now and then, when you felt the car come to a stop. For a few seconds the whole world seemed to stand still, until you heard Kyouya's voice speak up in the silence.<br />

“I'll keep my promise." And with these words he let go of you and the car door opened. Ranka-san was already waiting outside, ready to greet you. You nodded, not able to speak, but you hoped he still understood what you were trying to tell him. Right when your foot touched the pavement you felt his grab on your wrist one last time. You turned around to him. “I’ll call you.” He had said, expression stone-cold as you had gotten out of the car. Ranka immediately rushed towards you, taking you tightly into her arms and you welcomed the embrace. You looked at Kyouya’s car drive away silently, while Ranka carefully guided you inside. You felt even more miserable. Your parents really had to ruin everything. If you had been sure that there was no way he liked you back before, now you were absolutely certain that a Kyouya Ootori would never be with a pathetic girl whose own parents didn’t even want her. And if that wasn’t even the worst, again you were nothing but a burden to everybody. Haruhi and Ranka included.</p>

<p>-----</p>

<p>You let yourself drop on the floor in your room, your back against your wardrobe. It had been an exhausting day. After a night at Haruhi’s and what felt like forever, Miwako had finally decided that it was fine for you to come home. Carefully you had gotten out of the station and ran home, all the time worried that a familiar face would pop up or similar. But nothing happened. As it seemed, they didn’t know where you lived. At least not yet.<br />

Your gaze fell on your backpack, and you pulled it closer to you. You opened it and fished out the small package with the blue bow.<br />

Carefully you got out the Daruma. It was looking at you with blank eyes, and you stared back, feeling as empty as the little doll. Tentatively you took of the little charm and tied it to a little opening in your phone case. Then you got up and looked around the room for a marker. Once you had found one, you sat back down, popped off the cap and began to write your wish. Shortly after you carefully drew in the left eye of the Daruma, who was now halfway looking back at you. You placed it on your desk and just sat in front of it, looking at your new little friend, thinking about the man who had given him to you. The man who probably now saw you in a completely different way than he had before. If you maybe had had some hopes that he might like you before, you knew now he for sure would not. You hadn’t wanted him to see you in such a state. You hated being so weak and usually you weren’t. It was just that whenever your parents would be involved it would all come back.<br />

Shivering you remembered the nights in the cold room, barely any belongings, no friends, waiting for the next punishment to come your way. You played with your little charm. These days at the sea with Miwako had been your only way to get out. Three days without fear. Before you had had to go back. You had begged her so often not to bring you back. But it had taken years for the abuse to become visible enough that she would betray her own sister and run off with you like that. You didn’t blame her. It had been a big step and you were happy she had been brave enough for the two of you to take it.<br />

Suddenly the phone in your hand began to ring and before you had even looked at the display you knew who was calling. You bit your lip, thinking for a second, before you eventually picked up.<br />

“Hello?”<br />

“It’s me.” You knew it was him, you had ignored his call already twice this evening. You were too embarrassed and not ready for the talk you knew would follow. You had been so embarrassed about how weak you had gotten. About what this simple phone call had done to you. This wasn’t like you, you used to fight. When you didn’t reply, he spoke up again.<br />

“Are you alright?” His voice sounded cold and emotionless and you knew he was mad at you for not picking up earlier.<br />

“Yes… Thank you again. I don’t think I can ever repay you.”<br />

“Not all my life revolves around favors, you know?” Ouch. You were silent for a while.<br />

“Kyouya-senpai, I…” I am sorry. I am embarrassed. Please don’t think lower of me because of what happened today.<br />

“I think you owe me an explanation.”<br />

You nodded. “You’re right”, you whispered. “I am sorry. I will tell you, I promise just…  not now. Please”, you begged, and you were surprised that your voice broke. You were so tired.<br />

“I hope you are aware of the expenses I had to spare for you in the past week alone.”<br />

“I know, I am sorry.”<br />

“I do not want to hear you apologize.” Tears formed in your eyes at his harsh words. You wished he would just stop talking, you were already feeling bad enough. He cleared his throat and continued speaking, his voice a bit softer. Maybe he had realized he had been too harsh on you. “I mean, there’s no need to apologize.” Another short break. “I was worried.” Surprised you hick-upped. You hoped he hadn’t heard it, but if he had, he chose to ignore it. “I want to help you, (y/n), but I cannot do that, if you will not tell me what is going on! All your aunt told me that she needed me to get you to Haruhi safely and that she couldn’t go home herself either.”<br />

“You’re right”, you agreed.<br />

“I won’t force you”, he finally said to your surprise. “Stay safe. I’ll see you next week.”<br />

After this call you felt emptier than you had before.</p>

<p>Little had you known that he had focused on whatever else as to control the anger that had risen in his chest. He didn’t know who had hurt her like that but one thing was sure, they were going to pay for it. He had theories of course, after all, Kyouya wasn’t stupid. He could count one and one together, but either way he needed to know what was going on with her. What happened to her in the past. He bit his lip, staring at his phone, thinking about what it was that he was feeling.<br />

He had come to care about (y/n) he had to admit to himself. Deeply. Was this still just having a crush? Either way he knew that he wanted to protect her and that he wanted to get rid of whatever or whoever was torturing her this way. Having seen her breakdown in front of him like this, had almost shocked him. She was usually very put together, smart, witty and always had an answer. But from one second to the next she had absolutely broken down and a tight knot had formed in his chest seeing her like this. He had wanted to hug her, take her in his arms, but he wasn’t sure if what she needed maybe was space, so he had opted for that.<br />

He knew she was strong enough to get through it herself, but he still had wanted to help her. He had rarely felt as helpless as in this moment. The last time she was in danger he had lost control. This time he wanted to keep it for her sake. But little did she know that the second he had let go of her, the second his car drove away, he had exhaled shakily, fists clenched, trying to suppress the anger that he had kept in his chest ever since he had talked to her aunt and the worry he had tried to deny up until that point.</p>

[mamoonde]

i really really really love the idea of wei wuxian revolutionizing modern cultivation over breakfast and conceptualizing these different theories simultaneously because the adhd brain has no brakes and the only reason it took him a decade to publish all these ideas was because he could not stick to a single train of thought long enough to finish (verbalizing) it, let alone put it down on paper coherently.

the only reason he even got to publishing them eventually (and enrolling to cultivation theory grad program to get on that track) was because one morning, his undergrad thesis advisor, lan qiren, finally got fed up and sat him down for an early morning progress check-in because it was midterm season and wei wuxian still hadn't decided on a topic.

wei wuxian, fueled by an unhealthy amount of redbull and three all-nighters, finally word vomits all his 'convoluted' ideas which he'd thought were uselessly obvious and redundant (because he's gone over these like a bajillion times, it's very plain-as-day to him, so he probably just hasn't read the articles that say these exact things).

lan qiren, teacup frozen halfway to his mouth: ...first of all, i only understood half of how you got to these conclusions, which only means they are indeed too convoluted and will need to be pared down; secondly: you have never mentioned any of these ideas before. why.

wei wuxian: oh. haven't i? oh well, i just thought, xyz, because, obviously, abcde. which is really what the 2 centuries old law on ghjkl was alluding to, right? and so, logically, xyz.

lan qiren: [mind blown, screaming, good gods this is the same child who's always tardy and spent freshman year pulling on the metaphorical pigtails of my straight-laced nephew?!?!??!??!?!] ..again, why...how have you never even spoken or submitted these ideas?

wei wuxian: because!!! they're so obvious!! surely, it's been published somewhere already? i can't be the only one to connect these dots, surely??

lan qiren: incredibly, you are. no one else has even thought to question tradition nor pursued more thoughts on the law of ghjkl, with half as much...sound arguments as you seem to have. in the past century, the focus of modern cultivation has tended towards practical uses and tools, some fine-tuning, perhaps. not entirely new theories.

wei wuxian: huh....

lan qiren, sighing, feeling a migraine: your problem with your thesis is not a lack of focus or ingenuity, but likely to be more a lack of recent, evidentiary sources. you will need to become very familiar with the university archives and dig deep for sources that will back up every argument you make.

he jots down notes on a paper. "you will also need to strictly adhere to the structure and methodology of these articles, especially given how radical your thesis will be. if you are diligent enough, you may just be able to submit your thesis without too much of a delay." he slides the list of materials to a gaping wei wuxian. "depending on your output then, we can discuss the possibility of submitting this for peer review."

"peer review." wei wuxian repeats. "as in, that thing where some uppity committee of old coots put their stamp of approval for it to become the reading materials of undergrads like me. you're joking."

lan qiren chooses to ignore the sentiment about peer review committees being uppity old coots, especially considering how he can't completely deny it on account of some of his colleagues, but also as a member said peer review committee, he isn't exactly pleased about being lumped in the same category.

wei wuxian backtracks at his unamused look. "right, you're not joking, of course you're not." he slowly inches the list towards himself. "right, yes, i guess i'll uh, get to it then. ok bye."

----

idk, just, waves hand at wei wuxian candidly explaining new modern cultivation theories over cheerios at 2 in the afternoon to lwj who's trying to help him structure his grad thesis, getting mind blow dick hard at how this messy genius who's talking with his mouth full of half eaten cereal is the object of his affection....

wwx: --oh, oops, your highlighter fell

lwj: mn

wwx: ...aren't you gonna get that?

lwj: it's fine; i'll pick it up later. finish your thought.

wwx: right... i'll pick it up for you!

lwj, fighting for his life, trying to think unsexy thoughts: NO! sit. finish your meal, and then your thought.

[indigostudies]

What are those apps you usually post in your productivity updates?

hi! here's a breakdown of apps i use, as well as websites and other resources i've used/use for my learning (mainly chinese, though some of these resources can be used for other languages as well).

apps i use every day:

dot languages: this is a chinese-specific app where you select your hsk level, and then read articles at that level. there's a pop-up dictionary, an option to show pinyin, post-article vocab practice (audio, matching, translation, and writing), and the option to have your articles either in simplified or traditional.

TOFU learn: a blend between flashcards and writing, you can find decks for various things, including hsk level-specific decks, and you learn new vocab with the stroke order and then write each new term three times—once with an overlay (so the term is visible), and then two times from memory. there's also a review function, which helps you practice terms you've already learnt, and each term has audio that goes with it. i use it for chinese, but there's decks for esperanto, french, german, italian, japanese, korean, norweigian, portuguese, russian, spanish, swedish, and turkish.

the pleco dictionary app: my favourite chinese dictionary app; allows you to translate from english to chinese or chinese to english, has options for writing, radical, vocal, and keyboard entry, and has both traditional and simplified characters.

ankiapp: this one's not particularly complicated; it's a flashcard app, where you can make your own decks or download decks other people have made. it uses a spaced repetition system to help you remember terms—you rate yourself from worst to best on how well you remembered the term, and that determines how many times it'll pop up afterwards. it also gives you an overall grade for each deck, which is a nice way to measure your progress.

duolingo: probably my least favourite of all of the apps i use; the chinese course isn't the best, and now that they've removed the notes/grammar information option, there's no way for people who aren't already fairly familiar with the language and its inner workings to learn them if they exclusively use duolingo. it's okay for maintenance practice, though, but i'm already almost finished with the entire course and i would say it barely reaches to lower hsk 4, so i wouldn't say it's a good tool if you're more advanced.

apps i have but use less often:

readibu: this is sort of like dot in that it's an app for reading in chinese with a pop-up dictionary. however, that's where the similarities end; readibu has novels, short stories, and articles aimed at children, and each of those are further split into genres. readibu also lets you add your own web-pages and read them on the app, so you can use its pop-up dictionary with them. it's aimed more to intermediate and upper intermediate learners, with hsk levels ranging from hsk 4 to hsk 6. the only reason i rate dot above readibu is because dot has a larger range of levels (hsk 1 through hsk 6 i believe? but it may go higher) and exercises built in to help you learn the vocab.

the chairman's bao: also a chinese reading app, though if you use the free version, you only get one sample article per hsk level (hsk 1 - hsk 6). i believe that every so often you get a new sample article for each level, but i'm not sure what the interval on that is. it also has a pop-up dictionary and a flashcard option for saved vocab.

du chinese: another chinese reading app; it has articles divided into newbie through master (six levels in total, though they don't line up perfectly with the hsk in my experience), and new articles are free for a certain period of time before becoming locked behind a paywall. there's a pop-up dictionary and a vocab review/test option for vocab you save.

memrise: flashcards with audio, depending on whether you're using an official course or a user-generated deck. decent, but it can get repetitive.

hellotalk: not exclusively chinese, but i believe it started off mainly aimed that way. you set your language, and then your target language, and then you can talk to native speakers who have your language as their target language. potentially incredibly useful, but if you're like me and extremely introverted you may have a hard time using this app, since it requires a lot of one-on-one interaction.

slowly: i haven't actually gotten around to using this, but it's sort of like a digital penpal app, as i understand it. you can learn more about it here.

websites and other miscellanea:

this massive mega drive by @salvadorbonaparte (languages, linguistics, translation studies, and more).

this masterpost by @loveletter2you (linguistics, languages, and language learning books/textbooks).

this masterpost on chinese minority literature by @zaobitouguang

the integrated chinese textbooks by cheng and tsui, which are the textbooks i use for self-study—there's textbooks and workbooks, as well as character workbooks (though these can easily be cut out without suffering from the loss).

mandarinbean: graded readers, hsk 1 - hsk 6, with a pop-up dictionary and the option to read in traditional or simplified

chinese reading practice: reading, beginner through advanced (three levels), with a pop-up dictionary and some additional notes included on vocab and language-specific things non-native speakers might struggle with or not know.

hsk reading: graded readers, hsk 1 - hsk 6, divided into three sections (beginner, intermediate, advanced). does not have a pop-up dictionary, but does have an option to translate the text, post-reading quizzes, and notes on important vocab with example sentences.

my chinese reading: reading from beginner to advanced (four levels); has a pop-up dictionary, the option to play an audio recording of the passage you're reading, notes on key words, things that are difficult to translate, grammar, and post-reading comprehension questions.

the heavenly path notion website, which i would say is one of the best resources i've ever found, with a massive number of guides, lists of chinese media in a variety of forms, and general resources.

chinese character stroke order dictionary: what it says on the tin; will show you the stroke order for a given character.

hanzigrids: allows you to generate your own character worksheets. i use this very frequently, and can recommend it. the only downside is if you want to create multiple pages at once, you have to pay; however this can easily be circumnavigated by creating only one sheet at a time. you can download the sheet as a pdf and print it out for personal use.

21st century chinese poety: a resource i only came across recently; has a massive collection of contemporary chinese poetry, including translations; much more approachable than classical poetry, which can often be incredibly dense and hard to parse due to the writing style.

zhongwen pop-up dictionary: if you're reading something in chinese on a website that doesn't have a pop-up dictionary, this is a must. i've never encountered any words that it doesn't have a translation for so far, including colloquialisms/slang. i use it to read webnovels, and it's been a fantastic tool. you can also save vocab by hitting the r key when you're hovering over a word/phrase, making it easy to go back and add terms to your flashcard deck(s).

chinese reading world: a website put together by the university of iowa; split into three levels (beginner, intermediate, and advanced), with thirty units per level, and ten modules per unit, as well as multiple proficiency tests per level. each module is split into three parts: a pre-reading vocab quiz, the reading with a number of comprehension questions based on it, and a post-vocab reading quiz. it also rates you in relation to someone with a native proficiency based on how quickly you read and answer the comprehension questions, and how many vocab questions you get right.

jiaoyu baike: an extensive chinese-to-chinese dictionary, put out by the taiwanese ministry of education. you can find an extensive write-up on it here, by @linghxr.

social media etc: see this post by @rongzhi.

qianpian: another chinese-to-chinese dictionary; @ruhua-langblr has a write-up on it here.

this writeup on zero to hero by @meichenxi; initially aimed at chinese learning, but now has expanded greatly.

music rec's: this masterpost by @linghxr.

tv/film: youtube is a great place to find chinese tv shows and films, and they often have english subtitles. if you can't find something on there, though, you can probably find it either on iqiyi or asianvote, which have both chinese and other asian shows and films (though you'll want an adblock if you're going to use the latter). i use these a lot to watch things, and have discovered a lot of media through these, and then novels through those when i went searching to see what they were adapted from.

polylogger: a website for logging the amount of time/type of language study you do. has a wide variety of languages, and the option to follow other people. still, it's a fairly basic site.

[humanjeff]

Scarlet Nexus

got gifted this 2021-era game randomly by a friend, and ... it's kinda great actually?

it calls itself "brainpunk", which is exactly like cyberpunk only with the word "brain" stuck in front of everything to denote that it's weird psychic technology. this doesn't quite work, but I freely admit that I would definitely 100% call psychic texts "brain messages".

"I AM SENDING YOU A BRAIN MESSAGE. FROM MY BRAIN." <- all my friends would get this Brain Message every single day, until they Brain Blocked me

anyway, first I should cover the bad: this is an anime-style game; some of the characters have semi-skimpy outfits (however there's zero fanservice). the main character in the male playthrough is of the Romantically Oblivious subtype that - naturally - all the girls incessantly flirt with. some of the jokes are ... dated, or poorly translated. at it's heart it's a JRPG, so there's a fair bit of grinding. etc.

now the parts I like: the game is all kinds of fucked up.

[I'll try to stick to non-plot spoilers (i.e. background info) but I probably won't 100% succeed.]

at the start of the game, you pick one of two different characters, which follow two radically different plotlines - I chose the male, Yuito. both characters are psychokinetic (though their weapons differ), both are new volunteers in the psychic branch of the military. after selecting your character you get to watch as the special brain equipment is attached to you and your fellow volunteers/conscripts and you all collapse screaming in agony. perfectly normal start to a game.

yeah so straight away it's revealed that most of the soldiers - not just the new guys - look like teenagers, and are being given grown blockers to slow their aging (to various degrees). if you pay attention to what one of the characters says about how she was forcibly conscripted a few years earlier, you start to realise that the occasional Actual Children you see walking about are extremely powerful psychics subjected to mandatory enlistment when they were very young; they invariably outrank you.

older-looking soldiers are either new adult conscripts (that everyone expects to die) or child soldiers that the growth blockers are ceasing to work on.

also hey there is government censorware in your eyes that prevents you from seeing certain things. don't worry about it!

so on to the game itself. first of all, you don't have skills as such - you modify your own brain. sometimes the map of your brain gets larger and more irregular. don't worry about it!

you are in a squad of guys with variable powers (different to your own) that you can briefly share. as you hang out in your Secret Teen Hideout and become closer and more compatible, this sharing will start to last longer, and you will begin to have visions of your friends that will help you out. sometimes you become them, just for a second. this is normal and fine. sometimes you forget little things, like who is supposed to be giving you orders, or which side you're on, or how you got here, but on the other hand nobody is stopping you from dressing as bad as you could ever want.

haha you can put a stuffed owl on your head! there's a hole in the sky that nobody talks about any more.

after a while, you unlock the Brain Field power, or as I prefer to think of it, AKIRA MODE, where you become psychically overpowered and get to smash everything. your character staggers around drunkenly, clutching their head and laughing and saying things like "I'll destroy EVERYTHING!", "WITNESS my POWER!" and so on. it's unbelievably fun, and will immediately kill you after a few seconds. none of your friends - who see all this - ever tell you to stop doing it.

none of this, though, prepares you for the moment when the media - having had all their computers trashed - releases a sketch of a suspected criminal (the other playable character). I'm putting it behind a break for reasons that I hope will be self-explanatory.

(the effect this picture has on your squad is devastating, by which I mean it immediately cures them of all some of their ailments.)

[jacobwren]

"We learn commitment and discipline not from the soulless neoliberal conditioning that turns radicalism into a brand rather than a practice, that tells us the only way we can make change as writers is to “witness” or to “speak out” as individuals, but from the examples of revolutionary writers, who are also some of our greatest organization-builders, who have sacrificed everything for their people.  We learn from Ghassan Kanafani, who said to his niece Lamees the day before they were both martyred by Zionist forces in 1972, when she asked him if he would ever focus more on his writing than his revolutionary activities, “I write well because I believe in a cause, in principles. The day I leave these principles, my stories will become empty.” We learn from George Jackson, who wrote more than fifty years ago from prison, “Understand that fascism is already here, that people are already dying who could be saved… Do what must be done, discover your humanity and your love in revolution.” As writers we are trained in description and critique, in imagination. But what we need more of is practice. Practice withholding our labour, practice talking to each other, practice organizing our own alternative spaces that aren’t beholden to corporate sponsors who profit from producing death, practice giving something up to help each other survive.  Every campaign we wage together is practice. It goes beyond any one prize, any one sponsor.  We’ve fielded a lot of critiques since this campaign started, some genuine, many in bad faith from elites now attending the Giller gala across the street—for expanding our targets to include Indigo Books and the Azrieli Foundation, for not trying to make slow institutional change from the inside, for not trying to find a third way, a more “pragmatic” way.  To that, I want to share the words of the political theorist Joy James, who writes, “If you’re going to use the term ‘pragmatic’ to discipline radicals, my preference is that you say nothing…If you want to discipline rebels then pony up something tangible: raise bail funds, pay for their attorneys, feed their kids while they are inside, or try to get them out. You cannot lecture risk-taking people about being politically ‘infantile’ out of your fear or out of your accumulations…There’s nobody we admire who is pragmatic… Everybody could have been ‘pragmatic.’ But if they were, we would not have any ancestors.” I want to do away with this false binary between writers and organizers. Culture alone, the work we do on the page, will not be enough. Reasoning with or trying to reform the cultural institutions that prop up this settler colonial state will not be enough. We have to be willing, at the very least, to take risks for each other, to relinquish the false accolades, the fancy galas, all of them the oppressor’s incentives to keep us from actively building solidarity with each other." - from Jody Chan’s Boycott Giller Speech

[be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie]

"Hello, 👋🌹

I am Noor from Gaza, a mother of three children. We lost our home in the recent war and are now homeless. We are facing extremely harsh conditions, and I cannot overcome this ordeal alone. I kindly ask for your help, whether by sharing my story or providing support to rebuild our lives. Your support will make a significant difference for us in these difficult times."

🙏🇵🇸💔

Hi Noor, I'm donating what I can and sharing to my followers. I hope you get to your goal soon, and are able to get somewhere safe as soon as possible.

This campaign is vetted. Please donate if you can!

[fuiabarcelos]

Exiled Hearts: How to keep a secret? (2)

Pairing: Sam Winchester x reader.

Summary: After breaking up, the hunters begin to disappear. Sam needs to be quick to save you.

Bingo: a folklore song - Exile.

Genre: Angst and fluff - 4989 words

Warnings: Kidnapping, torture, trauma and Sam being sweet.

A/N: I'm not fluent in English, so a lot of mistakes can happen.

This story takes place between 12x09 and 12x22.

Now, I’m in exile 

You and Sam broke up a month ago and since then you've both been creating strategies to heal the pain in your hearts.  

Sam isn't the same anymore. He has focused much more on research, because when his brain is busy, he doesn't blame himself as much for what happened. However, every time the pain becomes intense, he seeks solace in drink, something he was never used to doing, but after realizing that alcohol uncontrollably increased the number of endorphins in his brain, he started drinking more often. And most of the time, he drank until he blacked out.   

Sam was feeling exiled. You're not his homeland anymore. He didn't know how much he needed you until he lost you and that hurt even more, because he didn't value the incredible woman who was by his side enough. To berate himself, he punched the wall every time he remembered that he never said he loved you.  

Dean, Mary and Castiel were completely preoccupied with Sam's mental state. None of them understood what was happening, because Sam didn't have the strength or courage to explain to his family how much he hurt you. That you left them because of him and wouldn't come back. 

"Sam, we need to talk" Dean wasn't willing to negotiate right now, he would finally get his brother to tell him what was going on and figure out the best way to help him "What the hell is going on? You look terrible, I've never seen you like this! After Y/n left you became a depressive alcoholic, and you won't let anyone help you."  

"Leave me alone, Dean. Take care of your life." Sam was ready to leave the library, but Dean grabbed his arm and pulled him into a tight hug. They didn't hug often, but Sam needed it.  

That was the last straw for Sam to stop once and for all hiding his tears when he was around his family. Dean had always been there for him, if there was anyone Sam could trust, it was his brother. Dean tightened his embrace when he realized that Sam wasn't going to stop crying any time soon and was willing to stay there for as long as it took.    

When Sam was finally ready to let go of his brother, they sat down on the sofa.  

"What happened between you and Y/n?" 

"I was horrible to her" He wiped away his own tears, feeling ashamed of having been so vulnerable in front of someone, but what he was about to admit embarrassed him more "She and I kissed the day we escaped from prison. We started dating that day, but I asked us to keep it a secret."  

"Why did you request that?"  

"I couldn't bear the thought of having her as just a friend, but I couldn't let happen to her what happened to all the people who were once important to me. So, I thought that if we kept it a secret, she'd be safer."   

"Did you tell her the real reason you asked her to do this?" Sam shook his head negatively.  

"Y/n was tired of us trying to protect her all the time because she was a novice hunter, I thought she'd get angry if I told her the truth. So, I told her that you and Mom wouldn't like the idea of us dating because of work" Dean secretly rolled his eyes at his brother's actions, but Sam had been judging himself internally for a long time, Dean didn't need to do that "I was too radical. Every time we slept together, I left her alone for fear that you'd get suspicious because I was always leaving her room. I never took her on a date. I never said that I loved her, because I thought that if I said that the next day, she'd be dead. That wasn't the relationship she wanted to have with me, she didn't like all that... and neither did I, but I thought we'd get over it, because the important thing was to be together." 

'Why didn't you ask her to stay when she left Jody's house and tell her all this stuff, you're telling me now?"  

"I've hurt her too much, Dean. I want her to be happy and I couldn't make her happy."   

"Sam, you made a mistake, but what makes you a better person is whether you persist in your mistake or use it to improve. You can still make her happy, because no matter what, you still love each other, you can still start again."   

You were going through the same situation as Sam, but instead of resorting to drink, you directed your frustration at hunting. Bravely, you worked a few cases on your own, although all of them didn't end well, leaving you with multiple injuries. You didn't mind any of them, because the wound in your heart was much more painful, and the adrenaline was a necessary distraction to make you feel better. 

You had just got out of the shower and were trying to pay attention to the movie you were watching, but every time the main couple had a romantic moment, you remembered all the plans you had made for your relationship with Sam, all the places you wanted to go with him or all the kisses you didn't have because you were in public. Soon you were crying again, thinking about how things could have been different and how much you wished this relationship had worked out, because you love Sam too much.   

You were feeling exiled.   

All these bad feelings had to be put aside when your phone started ringing. It was Jody.  

"Hi, Y/N! How are you?" 

"Not very well, but I'll stay" You hadn't told Jody the reason for your fight with Sam that day, but she knew he was the reason for your sadness.   

"You told me you were focusing on work. My new friend asked me to help him with a case, but my life as a sheriff conflict with my life as a hunter, so I thought you might be interested."  

"Sure, Jody."

Jody explained all the information her friend had given her, including his description. His name was David, he's a very handsome man who certainly attracts attention and he treats you very well, it's as if he knows your tastes and tries to please you constantly, without losing his professionalism.  

You were at the party where all the victims used to go before they died analyzing any suspicious activity, but so far nothing.  

"Do you want to dance?" David asked.  

"I'm sorry, I don't like it very much."  

"Come on, please. I promise it'll be fun." You weren't in the mood to argue, so to avoid further insistence, you accepted. 

You had been dancing together for a few minutes when your heart almost stopped as soon as you saw Sam in the corner of the hall staring at the two of you. How long had he been there? He's probably thinking that you replaced him too quickly. You wanted to run up to him and explain that it wasn't like that, but you remembered that you didn't have to explain yourself to him.  

David made a joke in an attempt to lighten your mood, you laughed to make yourself look cool, but the joke wasn't that funny. Sam knew that even though that guy had his arms around you, he made you uncomfortable.  

You took a deep breath in an attempt not to let the tears flow. Having only half of Sam was unpleasant and frustrating, but having nothing was torture. You thought it might be impossible to forget him, Sam thought the same thing about you.  

When the song finally ended, you simply left the party, leaving David alone and confused.  

David still had a job to do, he couldn't let you go. 

"Y/N! Where are you going?" David shouted as I ran after you.  

"I can't stay in there any longer. You can finish the job yourself."  

"If I could, I wouldn't have asked Jody to help me" He managed to get you to stop running "What happened?"  

"My ex is in there. I can't look at him without feeling like crying." In other circumstances you wouldn't have told a coworker anything, especially one you'd just met, but you were too vulnerable to try to be strong.  

"It's okay, I understand. I also ended a relationship recently and I feel the same way. I'll take you home." 

"No need, I'll go by myself." 

"I don't think that's a good idea. The people who came to this party died, remember?"  

You agreed with him and accepted the ride. His car was a few meters from the party, and you walked in silence to it. David was very kind when he opened the door for you. 

You explained the way to the hotel to him, but you had already been in the car longer than you should have been. You questioned David and he said that he had to change the route because the GPS indicated that the road you were supposed to take was under maintenance. However, 5 minutes later you saw the sign indicating the city boundary.  

"Change of plans. I'm taking you somewhere else, darling."  

You couldn't react, David had pressed a button that made the car's dashboard spray white smoke in your direction. Your vision blurred and you tried to open the car door to jump out, but it was locked. You started to feel sleepy, and your eyes got heavy, then everything went dark, and you fell unconscious. 

You are my crown 

When you woke up, there was a very strong light over your eyes that made you open them very slowly. You were in a completely white room, wearing cotton clothes of the same color that were clearly not the same as the ones you were wearing when you went hunting with David.  

You tried to get up, but you were tied to the bed. You felt something strange in your hand, there was medication being transported into your veins and it hurt a lot. Were you in hospital? It would be much better if you were, but when the door opened, Arthur Ketch came into the room along with the guy who brought you here. 

"I see you're finally awake. How are you feeling?" Ketch asked.  

"What am I doing here? What's this you're injecting into me?"  

"David here did a good job of bringing you here, didn't he?" He complimented David and then dismissed him to be alone with you "We were going to go after Jody Mills first, but when she mentioned you, we saw it as an opportunity. You weren't on our radar of American hunters. Sam did a good job of keeping you a secret."  

In his mind, things seemed to make more sense. And if Sam didn't want to announce to the world that you were together to protect you from the bad things that would probably come after you just to shake him up, but that doesn't make sense to you, the boys tried to give the British a chance, even after they had tortured Sam.  

Ketch seemed to have read your mind when he spoke: 

"We and the Winchesters had a business problem. You know, we were having a lot of disagreements and difficulties bringing them over to our side."  

"Of course, your thinking is sick! You killed Magda, who was an innocent girl, for example." You had the chance to meet her, so when you found out that the British had killed her, you were enraged.  

Even with all this, the boys tried to give them a chance, but now you realize that they were only manipulated.  

"She wasn't innocent!" Ketch seemed to get quite annoyed with his comment "We're teaching a lesson to the hunters who didn't agree to work with us. It's very frustrating that all the good hunters are on the Winchesters' side, but now there won't be any left!" 

That information made his hands freeze. How did they have the guts to murder people so coldly? You thought their goal was to save people, when in fact the world was supposed to be saved from them. They were the real monsters you were looking for.  

"But we managed to bring a great huntress to our side. Mary Winchester was our brainwashed guinea pig and it worked! She's doing a great job of eliminating the hunters."  

"Is that what you intend to do to me? Brainwash me?" The boys were probably in too much pain watching their own mother murder the people they helped, and you certainly didn't want any part of it.  

"No, no. You're not an experienced hunter. Let's try something else on you." He approaches you and carelessly pulls the needle, which was transferring the medication, out of your hand. The door opens again, revealing other British men of letters, some armed "We need more hunters on our side, let's find out if we can turn normal people into great hunters, especially without that thing you call empathy."  

It was 15 days of shocks, invasive medication, exposure to high and low temperatures, sleep deprivation and simulated danger. In the first simulation, you had to fight two vampires with no weapons. They were just holograms, but they looked very real.  

This experiment broke your mind 

Sam and the other hunters were preparing to raid the British men of letters' hideout.  

It had been two weeks since he saw you dancing with another guy, that scene still hurt in his heart, but he had to be taken out of his "exile" by force to save the other hunters from the British.  

"You didn't call Y/n? She may not be that good in the field yet, but she's got great strategies," Dean asked Jody.  

"I tried, but she won't pick up and she won't answer my messages" Sam stopped what he was doing to understand the situation.  

"I thought she was just ignoring me. I've been trying to talk to her for two weeks, ever since I saw her at a party with a guy" Sam said the last sentence, saddened by the memory.  

"What? You saw her with David?" Jody looked shocked that Sam had thought you and David had something "He's a new hunter friend, I called Y/n to help him on a case. She's started working alone since you broke up. If I'd known you were solving the same case, I'd have asked you to help him." 

"There was no case! Dean took me there to try and cheer me up."  

"We've never left a party so quickly. We stayed for 15 minutes" Dean made an unnecessary comment. He clearly wanted to stay longer at the party.  

Sam's body froze as a great possibility crossed his mind. His heartbeat accelerated, like a deafening drum resonating in the deepest recesses of his feelings, as he tried to assimilate the possibilities of you being in danger or something worse. 

"Bevell, you said Y/n wasn't on their radar" Sam glared at her, Dean quickly rushed over to his brother to restrain him in case he lost control of his emotions.  

"She wasn't" Sam didn't believe a word Bevell said, he'd hated her since the day she kidnapped him, he wouldn't spare her if she was lying now. He was ready to confront her when Mary, who was tied to a chair after trying to kill Jody, let out a frightening laugh, making it clear that she knew something.  

"Ketch loved hearing the story of how you broke her heart, honey" Sam tried not to get angry with his mother, after all she had been brainwashed, but seeing her mocking and laughing at the whole situation while you were probably suffering or could be dead, left him with a bitter taste of sadness and indignation.  

Sam could stay there and demand that his mother talk, but that would take too long. So, he organized all the hunters to leave in less than five minutes. He wouldn't leave until all the British men of letters were dead and you were in his arms, safe. 

Tragically, three of the six hunters who helped attack the British hideout lost their lives. However, the operation managed to eliminate all the enemies, including the leader, Dr. Hess. Sam, however, continues to struggle with the alarming revelations she has told him, especially the news that Lucifer is on Earth. In addition, her words about your supposed death kept being heard in his mind, dominating all other thoughts.  

The three survivors were acting urgently to get away from the place, as bombs were about to explode everywhere. If it had been up to Sam, he would have chosen to sit on the ground and let the tears flow, begging for someone to bring you back, but neither Jody nor Walt would let him do that. Jody would certainly offer him her support and maybe a hug when they were safe, but now they needed to get out of there.   

As they ran, Sam heard a noise that sounded like crying, but it was too low for him to be sure.   

- Did you hear that? - Walt asked. Both Jody and Sam agreed.   

They could have ignored it, after all the bombs were about to explode, but they thought it might be another hostage. They quickly began to look for where the crying was coming from, but without leaving each other's side, they had already lost half the team. Until Walt finally manages to break down another door, he finds a man desperately trying to find a gun and a woman on the floor, stuck and crying.  

Sam rushes into the room and his heart nearly leaps out of his chest when he sees that the woman on the floor crying was you. You were alive. 

"What have you done to her?" The three of them point their guns at the man who conducted the experiment on you.   

"They asked me to test an experiment on her with the aim of perfecting the skills needed to hunt without the need for experience and training. Technically, it would turn normal people into well-trained hunters in a short time, increasing their performance and courage."  

"She doesn't look brave at all," Jody comments.  

"The problem is that the experiment went wrong. It ended up reviving her traumas and making her mentally fragile. She's even afraid of her own shadow."   

Sam became angry, his anger only increasing when he saw the crash chair in the corner of the room. He wanted to pull the trigger on that man's head, but that would only worsen your mental condition, you had already been through a lot in that room. Sam walked over to you and crouched down to your height.  

"Y/n" He tried to touch your arm, but you slapped his hand away and shrank further into the corner. 

"Stay away from me" The man was right, what they did to you really messed with your mind, Sam has never seen you so scared.  

"My sweetheart, it's me Sam. Look at me, please. I won't hurt you, I promise." You were really scared, but his voice conveyed a certain comfort and reassurance, making you feel a little safer. Then you finally looked at him.  

"Sam..." You said, thrilled to see him there saving you. You practically jumped into his arms, wrapping him in a tight hug. Sam held on tight and left a gentle kiss on your forehead.  

"We have to go, Sam," Jody shouted.  

Sam tried to lift you up, forgetting the chain on your wrists. He was moving faster and faster to get you out of there, even though he wanted to give you the minimum of reassurance, it was difficult with so much pressure.   

"Where's the key?" He shouted at the man who still had guns pointed at his head.  

"Ketch hid it in his locker" He pointed to the lockers next to him "Number 598, but I don't know the password." 

Sam ran to check the lockers and see if he could guess the password, but was frustrated when he saw that the password had 5 digits, there were thousands of possible combinations, he couldn't guess it. When Sam looked at you, he saw that you were curled up and crying again, so he ran over to you and sat down next to you, putting your head on his chest.  

He wouldn't leave your side and he wouldn't leave without you.  

"Sam, what are you doing?" Jody shouted again, not believing what he was seeing.   

"Lock that idiot in that room and get out of here!" Jody was ready to protest and demand that Sam get up, but she knew that Sam was strong enough to get you both out alive. Walt and Jody threw the man into a small room, put one of the cupboards in front of the door so he couldn't get out and then ran out of there.   

"Sam, you can't stay here. Get out, please" You were still crying, not wanting Sam to die because of you. 

"I'm not going anywhere, I'm staying by your side this time. If I have to, I'll die with you and everyone will know how much I love you." Suddenly, the fear didn't seem so bad. You snuggled closer into Sam's lap, put your head on his chest and held one of his hands. He rested his head on yours and stroked your hair "I love you so much" he whispered.   

"I love you, Sam."  

You closed your eyes waiting for your imminent death. Neither of you wanted to die, but if it was going to happen, you should die together in each other's arms. You heard a loud noise and thought the bombs were going off, but death didn't come, when you opened your eyes you saw Jody had come back and opened the door with force, she ran to the closet.  

"I found Ketch's cell phone in one of the rooms I passed, the password is on it" She quickly typed the password into the cabinet panel, rummaged through things and finally found the key. Jody threw it to Sam who hurried to get you out of the chains. Fortunately, you managed to get out of that place before the bombs exploded. 

You were walking alone, even after receiving several warnings from Sam not to do this, through the corridors of the bunker. Some of the lights were already off, as it was getting late, so you were using the flashlight on your cell phone to guide you. You were looking for the book you were reading, but you couldn't remember where you had left it. Your hands were shaking a little, but you tried to convince yourself that everything was fine.  

You entered a room that you believed to be the same as the one Sam and you had spent together reading. The minutes it took you to find the light switch were nightmarish, you felt like all that darkness was ready to tear your body apart, but you breathed a sigh of relief when you finally managed to turn on the light.  

You quickly looked around the room for the book, but the only thing you found was a human skeleton. You knew it wasn't real, it was just an object of study and decoration, but the fear inside you consumed all your rationality and activated your survival instinct.  

A loud noise consumed the room as the door closed on its own, this had happened several times before when the bunker's ventilation system was too strong, but it was enough to send you into a state of panic. 

You screamed for help, many, many times, because you couldn't control your screams. That skeleton looked like it was going to run up to you and chew all your flesh off. Your hands began to shake and you broke out in a cold sweat, your breathing was labored and seemed like it would stop at any moment and your heart was beating faster by the second. You kept screaming and crying until you felt Sam's strong arms around you.  

"Honey, what happened?"  

Dean was there too and only lowered his gun when he was sure there was nothing hurting you.   

"He's after me" Your brain had completely forgotten that it was just a fake skeleton. The boys looked where you were pointing and were sure that the situation was getting out of hand.  

"Y/n, it's just an object, it's not going to get you" Sam wrapped his arms around you and left a kiss on your forehead to calm you down. Sam and Dean had already noticed that Sam's presence reduced your despair, and he made a point of staying by your side the whole time to make you feel safer.  

"How did you end up here?" Dean asked. 

"I was looking for the book I was reading, I think I made a mistake." you explained as you snuggled closer into Sam's arms.  

When you calmed down, Sam took you to your room, made up your bed while you put on your pajamas and lay down with you. He gave you the medicine you were using to sleep, because even that was something you were afraid of, and read it to you quietly until he was sure you were asleep in his arms.  

There were long days like that, you were so scared that you thought the world was made up of shadows that were ready to swallow you up, but finally you received the news that Dean had found a cure in one of the ancient books of the men of letters. The boys were confident that it would work, after all, they had succeeded in curing Mary.  

"You need to relive your good memories," Dean explained.  

"How am I going to do that?" 

"When my mother was brainwashed, she was stuck reliving her own memories. We've found a way to do it with you, without suffering and that will only last 30 minutes, that's enough."  

You agreed and the boys began to prepare everything.  

It was the most comforting experience you've ever had. You relived a part of your childhood, the years you spent helping your mother make clothes, the days you set aside to play with your dead dog, but what intrigued you most was how many memories you relived after meeting the boys. And even though you didn't like Sam's relationship conditions, you had a lot of good memories.  

When the 30 minutes were up and you came back to reality, the boys quickly brought the skeleton close to you to see if it had worked out.  

"I think being scared of it was the most embarrassing thing I've ever done" They sighed with relief and laughed at your remark. 

Sam had sent you a message asking you to meet him at the lake in the forest behind the bunker; you even asked why, but he said it was a surprise. If you were still numb from the effects of the experiment they'd done on you, you certainly wouldn't have been able to stay in this forest for long, even with the sunlight illuminating it, but now this place gave you peace and comfort.  

You found Sam sitting on a checkered blanket arranging the food he had brought in a picnic basket. And it was then that you remembered that the first date idea you had suggested to him was a picnic by the side of the lake.  

He remembered...  

"Did you prepare all this yourself?" The sun shone on his face, and he immediately flashed an adorable smile when he saw you.  

"Yes, I prepared your favorite snacks: chicken sandwich, yogurt with fruit, lemon pie..." He said as he showed you everything he had made. 

"That's incredible, Sam. Thank you so much" You sat down next to him.  

You sat in silence for a few minutes, looking at the lake ahead and watching the ducks swim by. Being silent with him has never been uncomfortable, but now it felt like you were both trying to say things, but you just didn't have the courage.  

"Y/n... I waited until you were healed to talk to you, it didn't seem fair to broach the subject with you in that situation" He sighed "I didn't like hiding our relationship either, but I felt it was necessary to keep you safe, but I was wrong. I thought I was protecting you, when in fact I was hurting you. I'm sorry." 

"You should have told me this, I would have understood and we could have found a better solution." 

"I know, you're right" Sam looked at you and held your hand "I just didn't want to lose you, but I did anyway.  

"It's never too late to start again," you said as you put your hand on his cheek. Sam was smiling.  

"Are you willing to give me another chance? We can do the right thing this time." 

"Sam, you were willing to die by my side and in the last few days you've looked after me so much. I couldn't ignore that. I believe in us, we can use our mistakes to improve."  

"You're incredible and I felt like the worst person in the world when I hurt you." Their faces were inches apart and you could feel your stomach turn as Sam ran his hand down the back of your neck until he reached your hair and gently grabbed it "I love you so much, baby."  

"I love you, Sam" Your lips finally came together and you felt the same emotion and desire you felt the first time he kissed you. Starting again wouldn't be easy, but you were both willing to face it and, this time, everyone would know it. 

[velvetvexations]

I feel like a lot of the trans women saying that masculinity/manhood is always rewarded in everyone because patriarchy often forget that the opposite is true, actually, for people who are seen as women/put in the "woman" category.

Because yes, trans women are usually forced into manhood and "rewarded" for being men, and punished for being women. But that's not because manhood is universally rewarded in everyone, but because partriarchy sees having been born with a penis as "man".

It also sees being born with a vagina as "woman", and every deviation from that is *also* punished.

Yes, people who are seen as women/girls may have more freedom in expression of gender (depending on where they are from. I hate when ppl act like people afab everywhere can just dress like men without punishment. There are so many countries with laws on what "women" (and those treated as women because of their agab) can wear, and if anyone believes for one second that breaking these laws is REWARDED in any way, they're so fucking deep in their own head and need to talk to someone from these countries) but that freedom was fought for by feminists! Feminists have fought to be simply just allowed to wear pants. It's ridiculous to look at how it is now (in the western world) and make conclusions on that without looking at *why* it is that way now and how it was before.

And people are usually expected to grow out of their tomboy-"phase" by the time they reach their late teens, or early twenties at latest, and become a feminine woman, wife, and mother. If you don't do that, your masculinity gets punished.

And the masculinity of people afab is also only (begrudgingly) accepted (in SOME places in the world) as long as they're still visible as women or girls and their masculinity is hot and serves cishet men. As soon as they step "too far" out of these roles (by being non-binary or men, or being "ugly", fat, or anything that would make them "undesirable"), their masculinity gets punished. Horribly.

It's really infuriating when (trans)radfem trans women try to act like their experiences are universal and whenever someone says something that disagrees with them, they must be lying or "delusional" (yay, ableism! so progressive /s) for thinking that they were, in fact, punished for their masculinity or manhood...

Sorry for unloading this on you, didn't know where else to put it. And thank you so much for listening.

I think a major issue here is that no matter how much we try to reason things out and work through why they act the way they do, radical feminism, trans or cis, ultimately comes down, at some point, to a deliberate decision to prioritize egocentrism and their own desires over seeing other people as real, actual people - not even other transfems, who they just sexualize and try to control, or call a TERF if they can't. And it's hard to reason with that.

Like, they have to know on some level that they hyperinflate trans women in particular being "socially murdered"* to use as social capital and terrorize younger** transfems into isolating themselves. Maybe a very long time ago for some of them it came from the distress they felt from the legitimately immense danger transfems face in a variety of contexts, but they've shot far beyond that now and just don't really care. They've built a cage of unreality around themselves that makes me feel like I'm talking to aliens.

Like the other day, I was talking to one who insisted that the tee-em-ees will not show up for me. Like, I said they did, and she said they won't, and I was like, but they DO! They have! Always! I've seen it with my own eyes, directly for me specifically! But it was just "who hurt you," "let yourself be angry," "don't settle for just scraps," "they won't treat you better if you throw yourself at their feet," "social murder," and it's like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ARE YOU HAVING A STROKE? WAS THIS A DREAM YOU HAD?

And what about the deliberately cruel fuckery, the constant derision of the most petty things like forcemasc? What the fuck do they get out of wrongly asserting that women are never punished for masculinity and never have a problem with being viewed as masculine, like why are they doing that, what is their goal? Because it seems like it's literally just "mock and invalidate the sexual interests of others and deem it an inferior copy of our thing."

What do they get out of misgendering cis and trans men for forcefem funsies and telling them to suck it up? They don't really believe that their forcefem joke is the only thing that might make an egg crack. That's extremely obviously a lie. They're doing it because they want to, because it's their kink, because they don't care about the feelings of other people, and they can use transmisogyny as a convenient defense when people ask them to moderate literally any of their behavior for the comfort of everyone else to literally any extent while demanding everyone else shut up and defer to them on every single topic in every single situation.

And this stuff with D20 and Ophiuchus and the transmasc character being treated better? A lie. Just fully making it up. Inventing it. Fabricating it. For attention.

I've never had one acknowledge it when I've tried to explain that I first learned about all of this from transmasc friends bringing it to me so they could defer to my opinion.

They're determined to stay like this. It sucks.

*truly a phrase that makes me livid to even think about now, they reduce it to about the same level of seriousness as forcefem jokes, every single time it's so thoughtlessly hollow and self-obsessed but you could guess that from it being a fair description of every thought they externalize

**let me make this clear, I'm referring to young adults, I am not accusing anyone of being predatory towards minors nor am I saying the motivations are necessarily sexual anyway, although clearly transradfems don't care about the effect their hyperbole will have on the mental health of minors exposed to it and trained from a young age to never trust anyone, so underage transfems are very much a concern here, but not in the sense that they're being directly and personally abused in any way

[lookbluesoup]

I think something that gets missed in a lot of the "good guy characters are boring" debates online is that there doesn't actually have to be a debate. There needs to be a deliberate awareness that conflict is what drives story. And the source of the conflict doesn't have to just belong to the narrative.

Good guys can be incredibly interesting and dynamic if given the chance.

I do think it's harder to write a compelling hero than it is to write a compelling bad guy (or even antihero) because... villains are usually about conflict. They create competing interests. It's usually their specific function in a story. They often surrender to their impulses, and sometimes they say what we, the audience, are thinking - because a lot of good villains are characters who took a noble idea to an ignoble extreme.

And in a sense, "good guys" can seem flat compared to the villain, depending on how the story is written. If they're just nice, polite, moral, mild-mannered. always have self-control, always know what to do, never face any serious challenges to their morality then... there's no real innate conflict. There are no questions to answer.

But in real life? It is really. really. hard. to be good. Which I think can even make the hero characters like this feel a bit threatening or disconnected from the viewer.

There is so much potential to show the hero being human in stories, that gets missed. The good guy becomes a lot more interesting when they have serious reasons to doubt themselves or their ideals - and even if they don't doubt them, then that stubbornness becomes much more narratively significant.

Or times when doing the good thing means going against what their friends or family want, what other people who claim to share their beliefs want, or what we the audience want that puts them in danger of ostracism or injury. When they choose to do something radically, dangerously, kind in a situation when we, the audience, would expect and understand them to do otherwise. When they face backlash for it. When their kindness isn't repaid. The person they want to help spits in their face, or didn't want help to begin with.

I'm not just talking about a character who sticks to their guns and stays upbeat. Those are difficult things to go through, even if you've got healthy coping mechanisms. Letting the character struggle with it, in one way or another, makes it more believable. Even if they still make the right choice in the end each time.

All that being said, if someone is enjoying a character who's just... good. Who doesn't face any serious conflicts in their story, who always wins and gets to go home happy at the end of the day? Maybe it's that person's real life that has the conflict, the stress, the unresolved questions and tension. Maybe that good guy is the balance to the villains running rampart in their real life day to day, and they need to see that character win, over and over, to balance it out and keep hoping.

We live in a world today where there's... a LOT of conflict. Every day. Everywhere. News spits it in our faces because bad news sells better. Work can be hard to do and hard to find. Family can be difficult to deal with. Health can be stressful.

So I don't think it's wrong for some people to want to read "simple" stories where the good guys can just be good, because stories are humanity's mythology. It's our escape. It's how we give context to our lives. We need "good guys" just like we need "bad guys."