#i fucking forgot to ever post this here oops

[artskls]

what a look tho, right

[crescentfool]

a silly little comic i drew in a one hour haze featuring @fwishfearme and i’s ocs! aka: what happens when you put fishing extraordinaire shirayuri fugetsu in the same scenario as my silly squid minatoast? (alt text/dialogue in image captions)

[todayisafridaynight]

*kicks a ball through your window and runs away giggling*

HELLO?

[emotionoitme]

i didn’t know

i didn't know - skinshape

final part of don’t call my name

warnings: some fighting at the beginning, but it’s mostly just one big love and fuckfest, mommy issues, slight mention of disordered eating, carmy is a PERV!! unprotected sex throughout but what else did you expect, shower sex (water off for SAFETY), teasing, play fighting (like shoving), brat/brat tamer themes, f receiving oral, fingering, major voyeurism (while otp with richie because i have a crush on him), spanking (and mention of skin being red), slight dacryphilia, sexy pictures, face fucking (m receiving oral), he spits in her mouth, kind of rough handling (thank u dom carmy), but it’s sweet and sappy too, breeding kink oop, bittersweet ending, pls let me know if i missed any warnings my brain is fried from looking at this for so long.

wc: 21k - but tumblr has a 1k "block limit" so this chapter is broken into two posts

a/n: sorry that took me so long i took a grippy sock vacation lol. wow i am so excited for all of you to read this. and the only way i can apologize is with 21k words of the nastiest smut i’ve ever written. LET THERE BE LIGHT!!! (part two of this chapter will be linked at the bottom! no more waiting i promise!!)

playlist

knock knock 

he calls her name. 

she rolls her eyes, brushing out the tangles in her hair. “i need to talk to you.” his voice comes sternly.

she cracks the door, continuing to detangle. the plan was to ignore him, yet she can’t help but seethe at the fact that she had to deal with claire again.

“go talk to your girlfriend” her retort comes sharply.

“can you not start this shit?” his face scrunches.

“i’m not starting anything,” she defends, “you’re the one who keeps inviting that girl over here.” 

“she forgot her scarf,” he states, “she just came to pick it up. that’s it.”

the girl scoffs. 

“i’m sure she wanted a lot more than her scarf from you, carm.” 

“you-,” he rubs his forehead, sighing, “i told her that we’re together, okay?” his eyebrow twitches from the argument.

“you only told her that because she saw me in your shirt,” the girl argues stubbornly, “if i didn’t walk behind you, you wouldn’t have said anything.” she turns the shower on.

“yes i would have,” he contests, “and even if she didn’t see you, i’ve got these fuckin’ things all over my neck,” pointing to the dark purple hickeys that lay on his skin, “thanks for those, by the way. gotta go into work tomorrow like this.” 

she bites her lip to hide a smirk. 

he catches it and raises his eyebrows in response. 

“payback.”

“what?” he stutters, shaking his head. 

“those are nothing compared to what you gave me.”  

he scoffs and crosses his arms. tries to push away how roused he becomes when they bicker like this. 

“i didn’t hear any complaints while i was giving you them,” he counters. 

she rolls her eyes.

“can you get out? i need to shower.” 

“m’not done talking to you,” his eyes lock on her face. 

she puts her hand on her hip and scoffs, staring at him for a moment, studying his features. cursing how her body tingled from the argument. deliberating. 

“fine,” she concedes, threading her fingers under the hem of the borrowed shirt, lifting it up over her head to reveal her nudity. if he won’t leave, she’ll just shower anyways. 

carmen fights a groan at the sight, instead forcefully exhaling through his nose. 

she was right, the marks on his neck were nothing compared to the bruises littering her skin, trailing from her neck all the way down to her chest, ranging from red to purple to brown.

the girl turns to open the glass door of the shower, stepping in, watching as the man shamelessly admires her figure. she goes about her business as if he’s not there, submerging her head under the stream of water, carding her fingers through her hair to scrub her scalp. 

he’s not done talking to her, yet he can’t seem to remember what he even wanted to say, transfixed by her nude, wet body just feet away. she begins to hum a tune and lather up her hair with shampoo. 

carmen approaches the glass. 

“hey,” he tries with a knock, eyebrow twitching. something else twitching, too. 

she glances at him, suds dripping down the side of her face, sliding down her breasts. she smirks knowingly at the sight of his flustered face, pushing her chest out slightly before drenching her face underneath the water again. 

he knocks on the glass door again, jaw tightly clenched. she rubs the water out of her eye and turns to him, cracking the door of the shower open. 

“hm?” she questions, gazing up at him. 

“we gonna finish talking?” he asks. he looks angry, but she knows better. the way his chest puffs out. the way his jaw clenches in that certain way. he looks hungry, and she’s tempted to keep pushing.

“i can’t. i’m in the shower,” she bites down on her lip to refrain from smirking. 

“why-” a sigh, running his fingers through his hair, “why you being such a brat today, huh?” he strains, giving great effort to keep his gaze from trailing down. 

“because i want you to myself,” she bites, “i’m tired of sharing with claire.”

“will you knock that shit off? y’not sharing me with anyone.” 

“uh, i beg to differ,” her eyebrows scrunch, “you’ve been fucking around with her since i moved in.” 

“fucking around?” he scoffs, “she was getting her scarf.”

“there was the other time, too, carm,” she reminds him. 

“that’s because-” he lets out a sigh of exasperation, hand carding through his hair. “listen. she’s the last person i wanna be with. we just…weren't good together.”

“why not?” she presses 

“there just wasn’t…i dunno, sparks? it was like dating a friend.” 

“okay.” she’s still mad, but she likes the words that come from his mouth. because if she has one thing with carmen, it’s definitely sparks. 

“yeah?” he tries, leaning to see her face, “you know i’m yours, right?” 

“yeah. whatever.” she doesn’t want to concede, too fired up about claire coming back over. “you should’ve told me.”

“i knew it’d make you mad,” he defends. 

“not as mad as it makes me thinking that you invited her,” she scoffs, “fucking hate seeing that girl bat her eyelashes at you.” she lathers shampoo between her hands and begins to wash her hair. 

“yeah?” he raises his eyebrows, “feeling jealous?” 

“shut up.” she can sense the stupid smirk on his face. 

carmy’s concentration breaks, and his gaze flits down to her sudsy chest. fuck. he clears his throat before speaking. 

“didn’t know girls like you could get jealous.”

“girls like m-what? what is that supposed to mean?” she cracks an eye open. 

“means you’re too fuckin’ pretty to worry about that shit. so just lose the attitude.”

his answer catches her off guard. the pulsing between her legs catches her off guard too. so she just turns away from him, scrubbing her scalp with her soapy fingers and shutting her eyes tightly. 

he chides her name and pushes the glass door open further. 

she ignores him, soaking her hair under the stream of water, muffling his voice. her eyebrow twitches. 

carmy steps partially in and turns off the water, getting his shirt wet in the process. the girl’s eyes shoot open and she whips around to face him.

“what the fuck, carmy?!” 

“i need you to fuckin’ hear me.” his comes louder than he anticipated. “i don’t. want. claire.” 

she doesn’t even care anymore. his lips look so inviting, she thinks. his white shirt clings to his chest in the spot that got wet. 

she just looks at him for a moment. studies his frenetic expression. looks at his lips again. 

“are you gonna keep fucking fighting with me or are you gonna take that wet shirt off?” 

it takes him a half second of firm deliberation before he’s yanking his shirt over his head and pushing his sweatpants off. she grins as he roughly grabs her face and slams his lips against hers. 

he kisses her with a hungry frenzy, like he has something to prove.  

and they apologize to each other with their bodies yet again, as carmen lifts her against the cold tile and fucks her, coaxing and kissing and thrusting an orgasm out of her. 

he fucks her until it feels like all the hurting is gone. until she gets lovey and desperate for him. until he gets so worked up he groans promises about finding her in california and giving her a ring. 

by the time they finish, the water is cold and the girl begins to shiver. so the two quickly finish washing up and carmy wraps her in a towel. 

he retrieves one of his sweatshirts for her to wear, smoothing his hands over her arms to help warm her up. 

without many words exchanged, they decide to cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie together. she lays her head on his lap and he cards his fingers through her hair absentmindedly. exchanging tenderness to help mend the argument. forgetting feelings of jealousy and shortcoming and guilt. 

they cozy up in carmen’s bed that night, taking a moment before falling asleep to just lay staring at each other. joking softly, touching each other sweetly.

he asks her about california, and watches with fascination as she lights up telling him about the beach she grew up next to. tells him about how when things would get bad at home she would sneak out her window and spend hours swimming in the salty water. letting the waves lap at her skin. letting the sun kiss her better. how it seems so dangerous looking back at it, but as kid nothing ever seemed that dangerous. it felt like nothing could hurt you. 

carmy enthusiastically agrees with her. follows her memory with his own anecdote of when donna took him, mikey, and nat to lake michigan and little carmy got separated from everyone. how he would have otherwise panicked and ran around and made the situation worse, but it was such a beautiful evening. so he decided to just sit on a rock and watch the waves roll in. 

a big smile grows on the girl's face as he recounts the moment when his mom found him. how she threw her arms around him and cried. how he was too young to understand why she was so scared when it was such a lovely evening. 

she wraps her arms around his shoulders and their chests press flush together. she kisses his neck, and they stay quiet for a moment. 

“i wish i didn’t have to go back,” she whispers her admission.

“me too.” he keeps playing with her hair.

it’s quiet for a moment. there’s a heaviness that fills the room. 

“how long you gonna have to end up staying?” carmy asks softly, leaning away from her to study her eyes. her face. trying to memorize every detail. he doesn’t miss the way her expression falters at his question. 

the girl doesn’t answer, and her eyes become glossy. 

“shit,” he breathes. her eyes dart to his. “you’re not coming back, are you?” 

“my whole family is there,” she whispers, “my friends. there’s nothing for me here.” 

“really?” he scoffs, “nothing at all?” 

“don’t start, carm.”

“y’know i fuckin’ love you,” he harshly whispers. she flinches slightly at the word. it feels so much heavier without the haze of lust. 

“all we ever do is fuck and fight.” 

“that’s not true,” he argues. 

“it is.” 

the man lets out a sigh of frustration, studying her eyes. her face. her lips. 

“it just…it feels right with you,” his tone softens. 

she doesn’t say anything for a moment, and fantasizes about leaving everything behind and building something in chicago, no matter how much she had grown to hate the weather. she fantasizes about the man in front of her. how she wants to build a life with him. how makes her feel like no other man ever has.

it’s hard to verbalize as her mind racks back and forth, so instead she just leans forward and kisses him softly, fingers threading through the hair at the nape of his neck. 

carmy reciprocates hesitantly, mind racing with the things he wants to tell her. how he doesn’t care about the distance. how he’ll call her every night. how he’ll keep her room vacant incase she wants to come back. he softly groans into the kiss when she slips her tongue into his mouth, feeling her press her chest flush against his. it feels so good, but he knows it’s wrong to keep pushing the hard conversations away with more sex. 

the girl finds his hand and softly guides it under the hem of her shirt. carmen lets her, fingertips finding the softness of her skin. but when she tries to pull his hand up to her breast, he stops the attempt, fingers firmly pressing against her ribs. 

the girl whines against his lips, moving closer. 

carmy indulges in the taste of her for only a moment more before pulling back and saying her name. she ignores him, chasing his lips, hand moving to grasp his strong bicep. 

“hey,” he turns his head and her kisses land messily along his jaw, “c’mon.” 

she ignores him, knowing he’ll want to keep talking about california, pressing herself closer, wanting to indulge in the feeling of him without thinking about the end. 

he calls her name again, voice coming out strained. she can feel his erection pressing against her, and keeps peppering kisses along his jaw and face. 

“just make me feel good,” she begs against his skin, “please.”

carmen feels himself throb against her, wanting nothing more than to give in. knowing it won’t fix anything. knowing it’ll only complicate things more. 

“thought you said all we do is fuck and fight?” his fingers grip into her, jaw tightening, feeling his resolve begin to crumble beneath her lips. 

“mhm,” she breathes into his skin, “so fuck me again,” trailing her hand down his bare abdomen.

he grips her wrist before she can move any further down. her eyes come up to meet his, taking in the stern look on his face. 

“i know you wanna,” she breathes, a small smile tugging at the edge of her lips, “can feel you throbbing against me.” 

carmen harshly exhales, trying to keep his mind focused. she’s completely right, he thinks, he’s stiff as wood. but he has to stay strong, prove to himself he has control around her.  

“stop fucking around. i wanna talk to you.” his voice comes more sharply than he means. 

the girl stiffens at his tone, pulling away to sit up and retreat. he doesn’t release her wrist. 

“let me go,” she tells him. 

“no. we’re gonna fuckin’ finish this,” his eyebrows furrow, “i didn’t even know you weren’t coming back until now.”

“i don’t wanna talk about it anymore.” her throat feels tight. 

“no? just want me to make you feel better? that all this is to you?” he can’t help the harshness of his tone. 

“carm, i-”

“y’know i’ve never fuckin’ felt this way about anyone? never said ‘i love you’ to anyone but you?” his nose scrunches, eyes appearing glossy. 

“we’ve only known each other for a few weeks.” her tone comes hushed as her chest painfully tightens. 

“yeah, well, i know you enough to know that this is real. that i don’t even-” a sigh, “ i don’t want anybody else but you.” 

“everything you’re saying is just gonna make it harder when i leave.” her voice breaks. 

his furrowed brows soften at the sound, releasing her wrist. she says seated on the bed, trying to take deep breaths and stave off the hot tears that threaten to form. 

“fuck, i-” he pauses, harshly rubs his hand over his face, taking a moment before meeting her eyes again and saying her name. “i like you. a lot.” 

“i know. i like you too, carm.” she rubs the tears away harshly.

“so why can’t we just…enjoy it? while you’re still here? go all out on this?” 

she stares at him blankly for a second as a cue to elaborate. 

the man exhales and shakes his head, trying to piece together what to say. he can’t seem to find the words. she thankfully cuts in. 

“go all out on this?” she asks.

he nods. 

“like, you wanna be my fuckin’…. boyfriend?” 

carmen can’t help the small smile that flashes across his face at the title. he tries to turn his head to hide it but she catches it, playfully shoving his arm. his smile turns to a chuckle. 

“shut up,” she grins, wiping the last stray tear away, “you so wanna be my boyfriend.”

he bring his arms to rest behind his head, staring up at the girl with a lazy smile. he studies her smile. her pretty face. they way in which she’s leaned in closer. 

“fuck yeah, i do. you kidding me?” 

her eyebrows raise at how assertively he says it. her head falls back, and she begins to laugh. partially out of joy and partially out of disbelief. the sound is hearty and sweet, and carmy finds himself wishing he’d make her laugh more. 

the girl leans over him, smile still gracing her face, and she plants a tender kiss against his lips. 

carmen gazes dreamily at her as she sits back up and tucks her hair behind her ears. her face is flushed, and she’s wearing an expression he can’t quite read. they keep staring at each other silently. 

“this is gonna be a bad idea, huh?” she asks after a moment. 

“why?” 

“why wouldn’t it be?” her eyes take in his handsome face. she thinks about how hard it’s gonna be to leave. 

“well…i like you,” he clears his throat, “a lot. actually i’m kind of fuckin’ crazy about you.” 

her gaze softens at this. he continues. 

“and i’m very attracted to you. and we, uh… we have great sex…”

“yeah, we do,” she concedes, “these are all good points.”

“so then, you’re my girlfriend.” 

“carmy…” she sighs, pausing. thinking of what to say. “i don’t like it here. i’ve felt homesick for the past year. i’m really not coming back.” her voice is quiet.

“yeah.” he nods, clearing his throat, “i know you’re not.” he knows, but it’s still hard to be reminded of. 

“so, you’re gonna be okay with that?” 

“i mean…i’m not okay with it, but i’ll deal with it if it means we get to spend these next few weeks together.”

she thinks for a moment, studying his genuine expression.

“okay…but if we do this, we have to promise each other that we’re not gonna get too attached. i really don’t want this to be messy. i like you too much.”

“it won’t be,” he assures, although it feels more like a prayer than a fact. 

“okay,” she whispers, “then you’re my boyfriend i guess.”

his eyes light up a bit at this, and a boyish grin breaks his face.  

“nice.” 

“you’re stupid.” she laughs at his response, lightly shoving his chest again. 

he reaches up and shoves her shoulder back playfully. 

“you are.” 

she scoffs and goes to shove him again, harder this time. he catches her wrist and pulls her forward so she can’t. the girl lets out a yelp of surprise, splaying out over him, face inches from his. 

the simple display of dominance makes her feel dizzy, placing her free hand on his firm chest to center herself. 

“why you like fighting so much, hm?” he asks, his breath ghosting over her lips, “you’re always testing.” 

she tries to pull her wrist away, but his grip is firm. 

“cause you’re…sexy when you’re mad,” she admits, eyes drooping to his lips. 

“i’m sexy when i’m mad?” he has a slight mocking tone. 

“mhm.” she can’t keep her eyes off his lips. “if i worked at your restaurant, i’d probably mess shit up on purpose just so you’d yell at me.”

“jesus,” he lets out a laugh, rubbing his free hand over his face, “what, you like when i get a little rough you?”

“n-no,” she blurts out. the way she averts her eyes immediately reveals her lie.

“yeah, i think you do,” he grins. 

she goes to defend herself again, but shuts her mouth when she can’t think of anything to say. it is kind of true, anyways.

“shut up,” she pushes his face away from her gently, “or else i’ll break up with you.”

this makes him fully laugh. it’s a really nice sound. she watches the way his face crinkles with the big smile. when his laugh fades, he reaches for her chin and pulls her into a gentle kiss. she sighs into the feeling, settling her body closer to his. 

“m’tired,” she mutters into his lips, “you exhaust me.”

carmy rolls his eyes at this. “c’mere.” he says, pulling the sheets back for her. 

the girl slips in next to him and presses her back against his chest, resting her head on his bicep. 

carmy reaches behind him to turn off the lamp, then wraps his arm securely around her. he plants a kiss on her neck and nuzzles his nose into her hair. 

boyfriend. 

he could get used to the title. 

-

carmen gets home late from work on a cold night, late into november, crashing down onto the couch and basking in the silence of the apartment. 

it was a long day in the kitchen, followed by meeting with a contracting crew to update some structural components after hours. 

he had finally taken off after being there for almost 12 hours straight, begrudgingly leaving the renovations to be overseen by richie after having snapped at the crew for the third time. 

he hears soft footsteps padding down the hall, and opens his eyes to see his girlfriend. his sweet, perfect, sexy fucking girlfriend. and it’s like a breath of fresh air, especially after not having seen her the past few days. and she’s wearing a tiny pair of shorts with a crop top that barely covers the curve of her breasts. 

it’s like a reward, he thinks to himself, for all the bullshit he put up with today at the restaurant. 

“welcome home,” she greets, walking past the couch and into the kitchen. 

“hey,” he returns, eyes following her, gaze raking down her backside as she gets herself a glass of water. 

“how was work?” she’s oblivious to the way he’s hungrily looking at her, oblivious to how pent up he feels. 

“long,” he responds, eyes trailing up the length of her legs. 

she lets out a hum of acknowledgement, turning to face him and taking a long sip of water. she catches him watching her intently, his arm stretched out over the back of the couch and neck craned. 

“enjoying the view?” comes her tease.

“y’look good,” he defends. 

“yeah?” 

“mhm.” 

the girl sets her glass down and begins to saunter to the couch. carmen’s eyes follow her closely. 

“how good?” she stops in front of him. 

“good enough to eat.” a small smile twitches the edge of his lip. 

“yeah? wanna taste?” her hands come to her hips, and she pushes her chest out slightly. 

fuck. he shamelessly looks her up and down. this was getting to be dangerous territory. 

“do you wanna go to out to dinner this week?” he changes course, watching her brain stutter for a second. 

“wh-dinner?” 

he nods, resting his head against his hand. she pauses for a moment, studying his face. 

“where?” 

“wherever you want.”

“like…a date?” 

“mhm,” a smirk tugs at the edge of his lips, “cause you’re, uh…my girlfriend now.” 

a grin breaks her face. she thinks for a moment. 

“can we go to your restaurant?” 

“uh…yeah, i guess we can.”

“you guess?” she asks. 

“yeah, we can go. but you’re probably gonna get a lot of, uh…attention.” he admits hesitantly. 

“from who? your staff?” 

he nods. they would probably lose their shit seeing him bring in a girl to eat dinner with. not to mention a girl that looks like her. 

“okay,” she nods, “i’ll dress cute. you can help me pick.”

“yeah?” he likes the sound of that. 

“mhm. whatever you want.” 

carmen rubs his hand over his face then locks his eyes on her again. this girl is going to be the death of him. 

“c’mere,” he beckons.

the girl gently steps forward, standing in between his spread legs. his hand comes to the back of her thigh as he sits forward, gazing up at her with those big blue eyes. he looks so handsome, and she can’t help but place her hands on his face and lean in to kiss him. 

it’s gentle and sweet, and it only makes him want more, tightening his grip on her leg as she pulls away. 

“you taste minty,” she says softly, still leaning over him, stroking her thumb across his face. 

“you sure?” he’s fixated on her lips, “might wanna check again.” he definitely is minty from the nicorette gum he’d been chewing. but it’s worth a shot.

this makes her smile. and she does check again. decides it’s spearmint she tastes. 

before she can pull back, carmy pulls her forward to straddle him. she makes a sound of surprise, but leans into it, wrapping her arms around his neck and continuing to kiss him.

“missed you today,” he slips in between kisses.

“liar,” she smiles against his lips. 

his hands come to her hips, pulling her against him. 

“nah, it’s true,” another kiss, “couldn’t stop fuckin’ thinking about you.” 

��prove it.” she grinds against his bulge, making him tighten his grip. 

“lay down,” he growls, pulling away. there’s a dark gleam in his eyes. 

“or else what?” she challenges 

he grabs both sides of her thighs and stands up with her still straddling his waist, turning and dropping her back onto the couch. 

okay, he’s not in the mood for arguing anymore. good to know. 

carmen cages her with his arms and kisses her deeply before trailing his lips down her jaw, neck, collarbones, only being stopped by the neckline of her shirt. he glances up at her, and she eagerly takes it off. he smiles at the silent act of obedience and continues kissing down her body, barely giving any attention to her breasts before his lips come to her stomach. the girl huffs at this, and he pretends to not notice. 

“what are you doing?” she strains, watching as his lips come to rest just above the waistband of her shorts. 

“m’getting my taste,” he replies casually 

“carmy,” she chides, face becoming red and hot. 

“what?” his fingers hook her waistband, “you embarrassed or something?” another kiss on her hipbone. 

she is, inexplicably. and vulnerable and exposed and horny all at the same time. she hides her face in her arms instead of responding, feeling him slide the shorts down her legs, left clad only in a thin pair of panties. 

carmy hooks his arms around her legs and pulls her closer to his mouth, pressing slow, firm kisses to her covered mound.

the girl lets out a labored breath at the heat of his lips against her clit as he begins to place wet, open mouthed kisses on her covered pussy. her cotton underwear becomes damp with his tongue, and she arches into the feeling with a sharp breath in. 

carmy nuzzles the fabric and deeply inhales, letting out a low groan.

“ah- don’t do that!” the girl tries to clamp her legs shut out of embarrassment, but he holds them firmly in place and presses his face closer to her core, continuing to kiss and suck her through the fabric. 

“you smell good,” carmy defends. “and these are cute,” he snaps the band of her panties. 

she can hardly even process the statement before he starts sliding them down her thighs, bunching up the fabric and putting it in his pocket. 

“hey, you can’t have those,” she strains. 

there’s a delay in carmen’s response—too busy studying her soft pussy up close, lips gleaming with wetness, bundle of nerves twitching under his gaze. 

“i’ll, uh…make it up to you,” his eyes stay fixed on the glorious sight upon him. 

he leans in, flattens his tongue against her clit, and begins to gently lick. 

the girl gasps, and her hands fly down to grab his hair as she releases a whine of pleasure. 

the tantalizing licks to her clit are gentle. almost not enough. she tugs on his hair and tries to scoot forward, so he eases his tongue back. 

when his eyes flicker to her face. her skin is flushed, lip clamped between her teeth, and she’s looking at him hungrily. 

“y’so pretty,” he presses a kiss to her clit, “taste so fuckin’ good.” 

her head falls back and she breathes out sharply. it’s too much to keep making eye contact with him. the slow, teasing licks are the only thing she can concentrate on. 

“you gonna say thank you?” it’s more of a demand than a question, as he glides his finger over her entrance, collecting her syrupy wetness. 

“n-no,” she struggles, face hot and red. 

thank you, really? how embarrassing. 

his tongue flicks over her clit repeatedly, his finger dips inside of her opening ever so slightly. 

“no?” his lips close around her clit and he sucks, cherishing the sound of the first moan she allows to slip out. 

“mmm,” she whines in response, beginning to pant at the feeling of his mouth. 

“c’mon, be a good girl for me?” unlikely, but he asks anyways

“i am,” she argues, pulling his head towards her needy heat. he scoffs at this and continues to swirl his tongue around her clit.

“then say thank you.”

“carm, i’m not saying-ah thank you!” she cuts herself off with a moan as he sinks his finger inside of her. “y’welcome” he replies lowly, a smirk fighting to break his face. 

“shut up. i didn’t-mmh! …mean it like that.”

she sits up onto her forearms, watching him curl his digit upwards inside of her, trying to keep it together. 

“you’re so fuckin’ cute.” he growls, then dives forward to taste her again. his fingers curl rhythmically, tongue lightly swirling her sensitive clit, giving her barely enough stimulation to get by. 

“more,” she whines, bucking her hips up slightly. he gives her a disapproving glance, so she adds a “please”. 

“yeah?” he kisses her clit. 

she frantically nods her head, trying to scoot closer to the man, trying to buck her hips against his hand. 

carmen speeds up the pace of his fingers, sucking her clit into his mouth, free hand gripping onto her thigh. 

“yeah,” she moans, “fuck, you’re so good at that.”

he preens at the praise and swirls her clit with his tongue, beginning to lap at her pussy. when he adds a second finger she cries out his name.

the view above him in combination with how sweet she sounds leaves his cock pulsing beneath his denim. he reaches down with his free hand, undoing his belt buckle and unzipping his pants. he just needs a little something to keep him from fucking her into the couch. 

as he goes to wrap his fingers around his cock, he’s interrupted by the harsh buzz of his phone on the table.

the girl startles at this, and both of their eyes dart to the contact tag. 

fucking richie. 

he doesn’t stop the movement of his fingers, and leans back in to taste her again, ignoring the loud vibrations. he begins to softly stroke himself, groaning into her pussy. 

“do you need to-ah… to get that?

“no,” he replies sharply, “y’taste too fuckin’ good to stop.”

the girl whimpers at the sound of his voice. at how low and raspy and hungry it sounds. 

“let me taste,” her plead comes breathily. 

carmen nearly groans at her request, more than willing to happily oblige. he licks a long stripe up her pussy, collecting her slick on his tongue, then leans over for a kiss. the girl eagerly (and messily) accepts his lips, swirling her tongue around his own, tasting her juices. she tasted herself before off his fingers, but it’s so much better off his tongue. she moans appreciatively and holds the sides of his face, pulling him in for deeper, sloppier, wetter kisses. the vibration of the phone stops, and his fingers continue their pace, curling into her heat, beginning to produce a squelching sound from the slick of her arousal. 

“yes!” she cries into his lips, eyes nearly rolling back into her head. 

“so perfect, y’know that?” he punctuates his words with the thrust of his fingers, gently biting at the girl’s bottom lip. 

she’s only able to muster a moan in response, trailing her hand down her stomach to circle her neglected clit, babbling out a string of “yes yes yes yes.”

the phone vibrates harshly atop the edge of the table again, falling to the floor with a loud thud. 

“fuck!” carmen exclaims, ripping his hand out of his pants. he stops curling his fingers inside of her and leans down to angrily grab his phone. the girl lets out a cry of protest. 

“carmy m’so close, please,” she begs pathetically. grabbing at his arm. 

“be quiet,” he hushes her, scooting back down to his previous position between her legs, “can y’do that for me?” 

she nods eagerly, biting down on her lip. 

carmen answers the call with a harsh “what?” and rolls his eyes at the voice that blares through the other line. 

his fingers remain engulfed in her heat, and he begins to slowly curl them again. the girl lets out a sharp breath and he shoots her a warning look, mouthing a stern “quiet.”

he puts the call on speakerphone, then places it on her stomach, leaning down to softly lick her clit. the girls eyes widen in surprise. a loud voice begins to come through the phone. 

“-that he was going to do it anyways, but i said ‘no way, carmy would have a fuckin’ bitch fit if we didn’t ask!’ so don’t answer the phone all fuckin’ mad, it’s not my fault,” the voice at the other line loudly rambles. carmy lifts his mouth from her pussy to respond

“jesus, richie, just look at the fucking floor plan.” 

“you don’t think we tried that? the vents aren’t lining up with the floor pla- what is that sound?” 

carmy curls his fingers a bit faster, pressing his tongue flat against her clit instead of answering. the girl gasps, convinced her lip is going to start bleeding from how hard she’s biting down on it. 

his eyes flicker up to her, and she mouths a “what the fuck?” 

like an asshole, he just grins in response. 

“hello?? earth to asshole,” richie’s voice cuts in loudly, “what the fuck are you doing over there?” 

carmen pulls away from her pussy with wet lips. he looks pretty, she thinks, like he has lipgloss on or something. 

“m’eating dessert,” he responds truthfully. the girl’s faces grows incredibly hot. 

“you wh- dessert? what is it, is it good?”

“fuck, richie, you-” he sighs, “forget about the vents,” he begins to rub gentle circles around her clit, “just have them do the pipes and go home. and stop fucking calling me.” 

“you think i wanted to call you, you fuckin’ baby? it’s gonna be an extra $200 for them to come back tomorrow and…” he continues to ramble on. meanwhile the girl holds onto carmy’s shoulder, digging her nails in, trying to anchor herself. the feeling of his fingers plunging into her is incredible, and there’s an unexpected rush at the risk of being listened to. of being caught.

carmen laps at her pussy, then closes his lips around her clit and sucks gently. he keeps doing this rhythmically, curling his fingers up into her core, continually switching between gentle licks and slurping and sucking. it’s a particularly deep thrust of his fingers that make her release her lip from her teeth and cry out loudly.

“ah-!” 

carmy’s eyes dart upwards at the moan, watching as she claps a hand over her mouth in shock. 

“what the fuck was that?” richie’s voice sounds after a pause. 

carmen, without a care that they could be caught, continues eating the girl out, giving her a look that says “you are so getting it.”

“hello?? are you watching porn or something, you fuckin’ weirdo?”

he rolls his eyes at the accustation, why would he be watching porn while on the phone? 

“no, i’m not watching fucking porn, richie. finish the vents tomorrow, i’m not arguing about this anymore. goodnight.” he grows increasingly impatient, and it reflects in the quickened pace of his fingers. 

“wait, wait, one more thing-”

“fuck, what?!” carmen snaps. 

the girl lets out a sound of exasperation, coming up on a perpetual orgasm then being denied every time he removes his mouth. the pressure is growing to be unbearable, and she softly whines a “carmyy.”

“i know, baby, i got you,” he whispers back, barely loud enough for her to hear. he brings his mouth to suck on her clit again while richie continues yapping about the fucking vents. fuck the vents. 

carmy just watches the girl’s face, tuning out the voice from the phone. he studies how flushed she is—from her cheeks all the way down to her chest. how she seems like she’s barely holding on. how her legs begin to tremble. how she tries desperately to keep from making noise, pressing her lips together firmly, eyes screwed shut, breathing ragged. 

the wet, squelching sound from her pussy begins to sound again, juices flooding down his fingers, soaking his hand. it feels unbelievable and she begins to lose patience. 

“carm, hang up,” she cries, much louder than she means to. richie’s voice stops in its tracks. 

“are you f-what the hell are you doing?” he asks, “who is that?”  

“none of your fuckin’ buisness,” carmy snaps, “the central vent is the one that’s the most fucked up, so get it sealed and go the fuck home. and don’t fucking call me again.” 

“yeah, yeah, whatever. you have fun over there, assh-” carmy hangs up the phone and tosses it onto the floor. 

“what the fuck, carm?” she asks exasperatedly, face fully flushed. 

“you’re not very good at staying quiet.” 

“you were- ah!” she loses her sentence as he dips back down to swirl her clit with his tongue. 

“i was what?” he mutters into her wetness, slipping his free hand back into his pants. 

“you were doing that!” she cries, tangling her fingers in his curls.

“it feel good?” he laps at her cunt, rhythmically curling his fingers. 

“yeah,” she cries, “please don’t stop again. please.” 

a small smirk breaks on his face at how nicely she’s able to ask, even after being tormented with interruptions moments ago. he rewards her by continuing his steady pace, keeping everything constant, coaxing an orgasm out of her. 

he squeezes the head of his cock, stroking the length of it faster now. she tastes so good, and the sounds she’s making are so pretty, it’s easy to lose himself in the pleasure. 

she bucks her hips against his face, getting his nose wet. her grip on his hair tightens. her body feels hotter, hotter, hotter and-

“carm-!” she gasps, “fuck, baby, that’s so good. m’gonna cum. please keep doing that pleasepleasepleasebabyyesyesyes,” she babbles, grinding her hips against his face, practically riding his fingers which curl so deliciously inside of her. the man has to force himself to not stop and make a snarky comment about how cute she sounds when she’s all fucked out like this . 

with a final few curls of his fingers and another swirl of his tongue, she’s coming completely undone. her head falls back and she rides out the orgasm shakily. 

he bucks his hips into his hand with fervor, groaning into her pussy as he feels himself approaching an embarrassingly easy climax. 

she clenches around his fingers, and he wriggles them as deeply as he can, swirling her clit with his tongue. 

the girl lets out a cry, feeling herself be pushed far past her peak, hand flying down to grab his wrist. 

“ah-carm, s’too much.” 

“you can take it, yeah?” he growls, rutting into his hand. he’s so close. just needs to taste her for a little longer. there’s a hot pulse surging throughout his body. 

the girl’s breathing becomes loud, a rapid inhale exhale inhale exhale. 

at the labored sound, he takes some mercy on her and stops moving his fingers, focusing solely on lapping at her throbbing clit. his cock twitches in his hand, and with a few final frenzied pumps, he cums into his palm.

“fuck,” he groans, resting his head on her pelvis for a moment. the two of them bask in the post-orgasm high, catching their breaths. carmen’s jaw aches a bit. he plants one last kiss on her oversensitive clit, then pulls away, easing his fingers out slowly.

“kiss me,” she pleads breathily, feeling slightly dizzy from the orgasm. 

“yeah? wanna taste yourself again?” his voice is low, kind of raspy. 

she nods eagerly.

he leans over and, to her surprise, shoves his fingers in her mouth, swirling them around her tongue, making sure she gets every drop she left behind. the girl enthusiastically cleans his fingers, taking them deeply into her mouth. 

the moment he eases them out, he dives into her lips hungrily, shoving his tongue in her mouth, tasting the heavenly mix of her saliva and arousal. 

she grabs his face and licks her cum from the side of his lips, from his chin, gathering it before kissing him frantically again. 

“mm, thank you,” she mutters against his lips sweetly. 

“y’welcome.” he loves how she thanks him. 

the taste is intoxicating, and he’s tempted to lick her pussy again just so the both of them can continue to indulge. but there’s a sticky mess on his hand and the inside of his boxers, so he pulls away from her lips, and grabs a tissue from the box on the coffee table. 

the girl’s eyes widen in surprise as he eases his cum-covered hand out of his boxers.

“is that- did you..?”

he wipes the white substance off his hand, small small teasing the edge of his lips. 

“uh…yeah. that was, um… that was really hot,” he admits.  

“yeah, except the part where you put me on the phone with your employee.”

“nah…” he shakes his head, a smirk on his face, “i think you liked that.”

“wha-no i did not,” her eyes widen, “it was so embarrassing.” it was embarrassing, but it really turned her on—not that he needs to know that.  

“embarrassing?”

“yes, embarrassing! get that dumb grin off your face, it was!” 

this only makes him smile harder, beginning to laugh. 

“yeah? that why you soaked my fuckin’ fingers?” 

she sits up and reaches for her tank top, a bashful expression on her face. 

“no. that’s just because it felt good.” 

“you were squeezing me like crazy trying to stay quiet,” he continues to try and provoke her, liking how feisty she becomes. 

“give me my panties back.” the girl rolls her eyes and ignores his statement. 

“what panties?” he asks cluelessly. 

“carmy.”

“yeah, baby?” 

she scoffs and mutters a “whatever” before standing up and slipping on her shorts. pantiless. there’s a creeping blush on her face as she wonders what he even wants them for. 

“so, tomorrow?” he asks before she can walk away, “for our date?” 

she pauses, then nods. 

“but we’re not going to your restaurant.” 

“why not?” there’s a small smirk on his face. 

she gives him a look that says, because you just ate me out on the phone with the guy that would probably be serving us, dumbass, but stays quiet, beginning to walk to the stairs 

carmen lets out a chuckle, and stands to follow her after cleaning his hand off. he hooks the waistband of her shorts and pulls her back. hands coming to her hips to steady her, his chest flush against her back. 

“c’mon, don’t be like that,” he leans down to kiss her neck. she can feel his smirk against her skin, “you hungry? y’eat yet?” 

she shakes her head no, closing her eyes at the sensation of his kisses. 

“no you didn’t eat or no you’re not hungry?” he asks, nipping the skin below her earlobe. 

“both,” she exhales, leaning back against him, her hands coming overtop his. she suddenly notices how big they are splayed out over her hips.

“you haven’t eaten dinner yet?” he stops kissing her. 

“m’not hungry,” she breathes, “keep kissing me there.”

he removes his hands from her hips and steps back. she lets out a noise of disappointment and turns to face him with a pout. he doesn’t see this, though, already walking to the kitchen and turning on the light to make her something. 

“carmy,” she calls, following him, “it’s late. let’s just go to bed.”

he ignores her, opening their cabinets to retrieve a box of spaghetti. 

“hey,” she grabs his arm, leaning to meet his eyes, “come on. i wanna cuddle.” 

“we will. but i’m gonna make you dinner first.” his voice is firm. he pulls his arm away from her and reaches down to grab a pot. 

he’s so demanding. but the gesture makes her feel incredibly affectionate towards the man, so it’s hard to be mad at.

as he fills the pot with water, the girl snakes her arms around his waist and hugs him from behind, pressing herself flush against his back. 

“thank you,” she mumbles into his shirt, taking a deep breath of their shared laundry detergent. her hand sneaks under his shirt and she drags her fingers into the deep cut of his v line. 

carmen reaches his hand behind him, caressing her hip without saying anything in response. 

she pulls away after a moment and he puts the pot of water on to boil. 

“you eating enough?” 

his question catches her off guard. 

“i- what?” 

“you heard me.” he crosses his arms.

she stares at him for a moment, studying his tightly set jaw. the way it twitches a bit.

“yeah, i am.”  

“yeah?” he looks like he doesn’t believe her. 

and maybe she had been a bit forgetful lately, missing breakfast, oftentimes coming home too tired to make dinner and opting for a snack instead. she didn't think he had been so observant, though. 

“yes.” her tone is quiet. 

he just stares at the girl silently, striking blue eyes boring a hole into her. she crumbles under his gaze. 

“i’ve just been…stressed. i don’t know. haven’t had much of an appetite.”

“what are you stressed about?” 

“going back home i guess,” she admits quietly, shuffling on her feet. 

he doesn’t respond, giving her the opportunity to elaborate without pressure. 

“i just- it’s gonna be hard. y’know when i told you my mom and i have a complicated relationship?” 

he nods, and she continues. 

“yeah, that was like…understatement of the year.” 

he nods, a knowing look on his face. 

“yeah, no. i, uh…i know exactly what you mean.” he really does. 

“and um, she’s sick. like, not entirely there,” she points to her head, “so she gets really mean. but then she can also be the nicest, most motherly person. its just…really unpredictable.” 

it was almost uncanny, the way in which he pictures donna as she gives her description. 

“i, uh…yeah. i get it,” he clears his throat, “i’ve dealt with someone like that my whole life.” he intently locks eyes with her, wishing he could say more to alleviate her dread. 

“how did-how do you deal with it?” she asks quietly, after a moment. 

“i, uh…i don’t really?” he rubs his neck, letting out a sardonic chuckle, “i haven’t talked to her in…months probably.”

“really?” 

“yeah, i’ve, um…been kind of an asshole, actually. my sister is really the only one that deals with her.” 

“you’re not an asshole,” she locks eyes with him, “well, sometimes you are. but not cause of that. that’s more like a…i dunno, a defense response.”

he laughs at her bluntness. 

“so i am an asshole, just not for that?” 

“correct.”

“how am i an asshole?” 

“you’ve been trying to make me jealous since i got here.” 

“not trying. it actually worked very well.” he has a stupid smile on his face when he says that. 

“shut up!” she laughs, shoving her hands against his chest as hard as she can. he barely moves from it, grabbing both her wrists firmly with an amused look on his face. she struggles against his grip, trying to shake the feeling of arousal that comes with how easily he’s able to overpower her. 

“why’re you so fiesty, huh?” he grins, pulling her closer. 

“cause you’re a fucker, that’s why.” she tries again to pull her arms back, but to no avail. her face feels hot, and she becomes hyper aware of the fabric touching her skin, the hair on her neck, the tingle of the rough grip on her wrists. his face is much closer now, and she fights the urge to lean forward and indulge.

“yeah?” 

“mhm,” her response overlaps his. 

“what are you gonna do about it?” he mocks, “huh?”

her eyes flicker down his face. he has a stupid fucking smirk plastered on his lips. fuck, she wants to kiss him. 

an idea pops into her head. 

the girl leans forward, gently ghosting her lips over his own. her tongue darts out and she licks his bottom lip, then sucks it into her mouth and bites softly. then she gives him a soft and gentle barely there kiss. 

she feels his grasp on her wrist loosen, so she splays her hand over his chest. 

her lips hover over his for just a moment more, and then she shoves him. 

carmy stumbles back slightly, less prepared that time, hands coming behind him to steady himself on the counter. when he meets her eyes again he has a dark glint in his eyes. almost like anger, but hungrier.

the next thing she knows, he yanks her into his chest, grabs her hip and roughly bends her over the countertop. 

she just thinks to herself, finally. 

carmen tugs her hips back until her forearms fall to the counter and she arches her spine. until she’s flush with his pelvis and he’s pressing his achingly hard cock against her ass. 

“such a bratty fuckin’ girl,” his tone is rough, strained.  “you know that? fuckin’ had it with you.” 

“i’m n-” she cuts herself off with a gasp as he harshly tugs the waistband of her shorts up, wedging the fabric between her cheeks and giving himself a nice view of the supple skin.

“you’re what?” he smooths his hand over her ass, watching her arch into his touch. watching as she opens her mouth to say something, then close, staying silent and shuffling her hips against his groin. 

carmen lets out a groan—half frustration, half arousal, smoothing his hands over her hamstrings and firmly squeezing the soft flesh before trailing back up to her ass. 

“you doing this on purpose?” both hands grab her ass, kneading, pulling her closer against his hardness. 

no response. she can’t, not without moaning. 

“hmm?” he shoves his hips forward into her, “you trying to get a reaction outta me tonight? or are y’really just that fucking bratty?” the hand gripping her flesh squeezes harder. 

“i-mmh…that-…keep doing that.” she chooses to ignore his question. 

“answer me.”

still nothing. 

“you want me to spank you? cause that’s what’s gonna happen if you keep this shit up.”

his words make her stomach flip. of course she does. she hides her smile in her arms and stays quiet, pushing back into him. hoping he’ll stick to his words. 

carmen raises his hand, and cracks it down on her right cheek, grabbing the flesh immediately after to ease some of the sting. 

“ah-!” she grips the countertop, arching her spine. his hand leaves behind a hot, tingling sensation, flooding through her body like a wave. 

“y’okay?” he tries to sound caring but his tone comes out rough, heavy with arousal. 

“yeah.” better than okay. incredibly horny, actually.  “that hurt?” his hand smooths over the reddening skin. 

“no,” she shakes her head, pushing back against him again, “thought you were gonna spank me.”

she cranes her neck trying to get a look at the man. his pupils are blown, face is rosy, and when she meets his eyes there’s a dangerous glint to them. 

he wedges her shorts up higher, exposing more of her ass, then smacks her in the same spot without warning. harder this time. 

“fuck-!” she gasps sharply. it hurts, but in a way that has her pressing her thighs together desperately to try and get some relief. 

“can you take one more, pretty girl?” 

“yeah,” she whines enthusiastically, shuffling her hips back against his groin. 

“yeah? y’so tough, baby.” his voice has a slight mocking edge to it as he does everything in his power to not yank the shorts down her legs and fuck her into the counter. 

“just…shut up and do it.” she tries to mask her eagerness, but it doesn’t work very well. 

he scoffs, and rubs his large hand over her supple skin. when he feels her relax, he raises it and cracks down on her other cheek. 

she partially muffles the loud cry by biting down on her forearm, feeling a few tears begin to form in her eyes. 

“you have such a cute ass, y’know that?” he squeezes both of her cheeks in tandem, pulling them apart, pushing them together, “can already see the handprints forming.” his voice is low and rough.

“wh-really?” her brain feels fuzzy with desire as she tries to switch gears. 

“you wanna see?” 

she nods her head frantically, butterflies arising at the thought. 

carmen pulls his phone out of his back pocket and holds it over her, snapping a picture with a low groan. 

“look back at me,” he demands softly. 

she does, peering over her right shoulder to see him holding the camera facing her. the embarrassment makes her face feel hot, but she lets him take the picture anyway, looking into the lense with a small pout on her face. 

“so fucking pretty,” he growls, lowering the phone and clicking on the picture he took, admiring it for a moment before turning the phone so she could see. 

it was quite the picture—cherry red handprints over her round ass, shorts wedged up so far they look like underwear, the curves of her body accentuated by the angle. 

carmy swipes to the left and reveals the photo of her looking back at the camera, all flushed cheeks and pouty lips and misty eyes. she knows she should probably feel embarrassed, but seeing herself like that just makes the throbbing between her legs intensify. 

carmen turns off the phone and puts it back in his pocket. he leans over and grabs her face, studying her with furrowed brows before leaning down kissing her firmly. 

“you okay?” another kiss, “really?”

she nods, eagerly reciprocating the kiss, moaning a soft “mhm” against his lips.  

“didn’t hurt too bad?” his brows are furrowed, their movements beginning to quicken. she slips her tongue into his mouth and she begins to kiss him faster, losing herself in his lips. 

carmy reciprocates for a moment before muttering a gentle “hey,” pulling back a bit, “answer me.” his gaze flickers over the sheen on her cheeks, left behind from a few stray tears. 

her eyes flutter open, fighting the urge to not chase his lips. 

“it didn’t hurt,” she affirms hazily, “felt good. can you put it in? please?”

“jesus, christ” he groans, dipping back in for another kiss, “want me to fuck you? needy fuckin’ girl.”

she nods with a small, bashful smile and softly nips at his bottom lip, fighting the urge to bite harder. 

carmen straightens to his previous position behind her and slips his fingers beneath the hem of her bunched up shorts. he pulls them to the side to reveal her glistening pussy, letting out a sharp exhale at the sight. he’s about to reach out and touch her when she gasps.

“carm, the water.”

it angrily bubbles and pours down the sides of the pot, sizzling when it splashes onto the flames. 

“fuck,” he pulls away from her, quickly moving to turn off the burner. “stay right there.” 

and she would’ve, had another fucking phone not started ringing. 

the girl cries out his name frustratedly, just wanting him to come back over and fuck her brains out. 

“it’s not mine this time,” carmy defends, adjusting the tent of his pants. he’s so hard it’s almost painful, increasingly eager to get back behind her. 

she huffs and straightens, readjusting the uncomfortably wedged-up shorts as she follows the sound of the ringer. when she retrieves her phone from between the couch cushions, her heart drops at the contact name. 

mom.

in a single moment it’s like the air gets sucked from her lungs. her skin stops tingling with that warm heat, body stops buzzing with pleasure—all the good feelings flood from her suddenly. 

carmen wipes down the stove, drying the water that had boiled over before refilling the pot and turning the heat back on. his roommate talks in a hushed, urgent tone in the living room, and he tries to refrain from curiously moving closer and eavesdropping. curiosity almost gets the better of him, but a few more moments pass and he hears delicate footsteps approaching. 

he looks up, and catches the sight of her tear-streaked face. her big, sad eyes. a pit forms in his stomach. 

“everything okay?” he’s unable to hide the concern in his tone. 

she doesn’t say anything. she can’t. so she just rushes forward and crashes into him, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him tightly. 

“hey,” he soothes, tightly reciprocating the hug, “what happened?” he kisses the side of her head. 

it takes her a minute before she’s able to verbalize, just wanting to nuzzle herself as far into his chest as she can, wishing she could just disappear into him completely. 

he says her name, pulling away slightly to get a look at her sweet, sad face. “what’s goin’ on, huh?” 

“i’m going back next week,” it’s hard to make eye contact with him, so she looks to the side with blurry vision. 

“what?” it’s like a punch in the stomach. 

“i-…my mom,” she sighs exasperatedly, “she’s just getting worse,” at this point the tears stream down her cheeks. 

he cups her face with both hands, wiping them away with his thumbs. he just stares at her, not knowing exactly what to say to make this shitty situation better. 

“i’m-….fuck, i’m sorry.” he puts his forehead on hers, “m’so so sorry.” he doesn’t know exactly what he’s apologizing for—the state of her mother or the dread of her sudden departure. either way, there’s this overwhelming feeling of loss trying to wrap his head around how soon next week really is. 

“m’gonna go to bed,” she mutters, tightly closing her eyes to stop the flow of tears, nose brushing against his. 

“you don’t wanna eat with me?” 

she gives a small shake of her head, having lost her appetite at the news. 

carmy wants to push it. but she just looks so tired and sad, he figures it’s better not to. his hand comes to the back of her neck, and he pulls her into a bear hug, kissing the side of her head. 

“go wait in my bed for me,” another kiss, “i’ll be up in a bit.”

“i need a shower,” she mutters into his neck, “you made me all…sticky.”

he can’t help but let out a humorous exhale, finding a small bit of relief from her words. 

“yeah? sorry about that.” he has a soft, barely there smile on his face. 

“you know i love you, carmy?�� 

her quiet confession stops his train of thought. stops the noise of it all. it kind of feels like it even stops his heart, just for a second.

it was something she hadn’t yet said to him without the hazy high of lust. something she had been waiting on until it felt real. 

carmen eases away from the tight hug, getting a good look at her face. she’s entirely genuine, brows furrowed and eyes glossy, searching his expression for reassurance. he dips forward and kisses her softly, hand caressing her cheek. 

“i know,” his thumb traces along her jaw, “i love you too.”

she turns her head to the side and kisses his hand.

“you gonna come to california with me?” she softly bites his thumb. 

“yeah, baby.” he nods. it’s a lie, and they both know that. 

sometimes it’s easier to fantasize about what could be than accept what never will. 

-

it’s far too late into the night by the time carmen has eaten and showered. he blearily trudges down the hall and pushes his door open. and like a breath of fresh air, there she was. cuddled up in his blankets, face buried in his pillow. it feels incredibly domestic, and he finds himself wishing he could come home to this every night of his life. 

carmen eases into bed slowly as to not wake her, shuffling his body against hers. then he just watches her for a bit. 

he watches her chest rise and fall. watches the way her lips slightly part with her heavy breaths. she looks so peaceful unconscious, like there isn’t a worry in the world. 

he thinks about how selfishly he wants to keep that placating expression on her face. wants to keep her to himself. thinks about how selfishly he wishes she didn’t even have a family to return to—how fucked up is that?  it’s almost surreal, staring at her sleeping form, mourning her loss while she’s still in front of him. tangible and soft and beautiful and sleeping right there. 

carmen reaches out and strokes her cheek at the thought, then leans in to press a gentle kiss to her resting lips. it doesn’t make him feel better like he thought it would. 

he turns off the light and pulls her in close. 

-

pt 2 of i didn't know

[dreamdazedworld]

YINGXING BRAINROT

Synopsis: Yingxing x Genshin! Youkai! Gender neutral Reader and the both of them are hopelessly in love.

Note(s): I was listening to 愛き夜道 on Spotify when I suddenly got this idea, now it won’t leave me alone. Anyways, I think that this is the first post I actually wrote, so yippie? Eat up, my children, you won’t be having these Yingxing crumbs for some while. This might actually turn into a full blown fic, though it depends on my motivation LOL

Warning(s): Both of them are hopelessly in love with each other, death mentioned (nothing serious, dw), oops now you have a Yandere! Blade chasing you around Teyvat

Art credit goes to my favorite artist, void/Re:era on X! Their art is really pretty, check them out if you can :o

Imagine a Genshin! Youkai! Reader who’s a fox/kitsune (like Yae), and fell in love with YINGXING, like it has all of the potential fr.

So! Of course, Reader here is from Inazuma, and their… clan (let’s all pretend that the Youkai has separate clans) feeds only on the feelings (and emotions), positive ones, to be precise, of humans (like the dementors from Harry Potter!). Negative ones are like poison to them- And the only antidote for this is the Sacred Sakura, however, there are lasting after effects. Once poisoned, the kitsune will be significantly weakened for a long period of time, ranging from a few decades to centuries on end, depending on how much the kitsune consumed.

Kitsune! Reader, unlike the others from their clan, doesn’t like feeding on humans (because it ends up driving their victim mad and they like humans). Of course they understand that it’s necessary for them to survive, they’re not dumb, they can feel their hunger growing with each day they refused to feed on humans. So, with no more options, decides to blend into human society by protecting mankind from the ‘evil’ Youkai, and occasionally feeding on people who are about to die (with guilt). Their love for humanity and stubborn determination to protect humans ends up earning them a Pyro vision that supplies them with some energy to keep them going, since visions are literally wishes with a physical shape, and wishes have positive energy.

One day, while resting on the Sacred Sakura, Reader accidentally finds out that the Sakura has clones, which are spread across multiple worlds by waking up in the Xianzhou Luofu. There, they meet young Yingxing, who’s still learning under that grandpa, when he stumbles into the area where the clone is located. There, they become friends, and as years pass, eventually drinking buddies as well. After Yingxing meets the High-Cloud Quintet and as years fade away, our dear Reader here realizes they’re hopelessly in love with….. Yingxing!? Instantly gives up on their love as soon as they realize, because they think he doesn’t see them in that light (honey, he does), and to rub salt to the wound, in love with Bai Heng, since Yingxing talks about her a lot. But of course it doesn’t go as easily as they want it to go, so the Reader just silently suffers with their emotions.

When shit starts to go down in the Quintet after Bai Heng’s death, Reader goes “Oh fuck, Yingxing’s negative energy is going to make him choose the shittiest life options, won’t it?” and starts to suck away his pain (by kissing him in his sleep because YES). Yingxing starts getting better in exchange for Reader’s health, and in the end, Reader fucking COLLAPSES, forced to go back to Inazuma to recover, Yingxing learns about everything they were keeping from him through a letter, depression hits and oh wow, Yingxing chooses the most shittiest life decision he has ever made by teaming up with Dan Feng to cause the Sedition of Imbibitor Lunae, turning him immortal, and eventually into Blade. (I forgot to mention it but only the original Sacred Sakura has the ability to heal away the poison.)

As thousands of years pass, Reader fully recovers, though not exactly since they can’t let go of Yingxing. The Sakoku degree is lifted, and everything seems fine in Inazuma, until they come across a person who they thought were already dead- You guessed it, Blade! But not just typical Blade, Yandere! Blade who is on the brink of insanity and is hellbent on bringing Reader along with him. And so, the game of cat and mouse ensues.

[youraveragebtsstan]

If Supernatural was an HBO ORIGINAL, we'd all be done for.

Ever since seeing a post on here about Supernatural but making it HBO style, I've been thinking about what it could have been like... And the conclusion I've come to is UNREAL.

Firstly, picture the Gothic Horror Themes of Seasons 1 & 2 but with all the nudity/gore of True Blood... Pure Chef's Fucking Kiss. 🤌🏾🤌🏾 Dean would've 100% cursed like a sailor not to mention live his best fuck boy life in full effect. And Stanford Sam would have whored around that campus like no tomorrow. Especially with that slim ass waist line and those low ridding jeans- girl please.

Secondly, I feel like Wincest would have DEFINITELY been canon. Like not just on an emotional/codependent level but like FULL ON sex scenes and secret 'no-no, we can't tell anyone because they won't understand us' precanon moments. (I mean, just imagine the wild and bratty, 'I hate you/love you/missed you' sex they would have had after arguing on that bridge in Jericho S1E1.) Ughhh, that would have gagged me out the gate bitch.

And lastly, I feel like peer pressure would have made Kripke cast Sam as a girl (or at least consider it.) And this isn't me saying I don't have faith in our boy to stick true to his art, I just feel like for that time in society a lot of the big wigs would have gave him a hard time getting the green light if they knew 2 brothers would be sucking and fucking on screen vs a brother doing the same with his younger sister. (Of course that says a lot about the society we live in, but I digress.)

What are some things, you think would have been prevalent in Supernatural if it were an HBO Original? I'm interested to know. Comment down below, or reblog with your input. 👋🏾🖤 Byeeeee.

P.S: Yes, I went back and made a couple of edits because I forgot to say some stuff. Oops.

[ohmyeyesmyeyes]

everyone's a ferrari fan

fc: eileen gu

charles leclerc x professional skier - social media au

warnings: swearing

liked by redbullracing, lauraharrier and 672,976 others

ynofficial: completed sponsor duties and broke three hearts in the process  💔💔💔 i apologise to those affected

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fan1: danny? scotty? WHO IS THE THIRD????

chloestroll: me

scottyjames31: don't throw off the trail i want to see where this goes

fan2: the full circle has been complete

fan3: chloe🤝yn🤝scotty🤝danny

fan4: my multiverse of madness

danielricciardo: traitor

scottyjames31: she most certainly is

ynofficial: 🕵️

liked by lance_stroll, jginorton and 621,972 others

ynofficial: scottyjames31, danielricciardo this you??

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danielricciardo: well...you caught me there

scottyjames31: oops

fan5: babe who was the third person you were on about?????

fan6: honestly i'm here for the mclaren slander

liked by ynofficial

landonorris: erm excuse me??

ynofficial: you're excused

charles_leclerc: but who do you actually support?

danielricciardo: i actually would like to know this 👀

chloestroll: me too 👀

pierregasly: me three 👀

liked by charles_leclerc, shaunwhite and 72,859 others

scottyjames31: holy fuck us snow siblings had a great weekend

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fan8: what did you do for her to lowkey look that annoyed?

danielricciardo: wdym that’s her normal face

ynofficial: 🖕🏻

scottyjames31: i told her to imagine a certain someone naked

chloestroll: i apologise ynofficial

scottyjames31: she told me she didn’t have to imagine it

danielricciardo: 😧😧

chloestroll: never mind then

fan9: WHO WHAT WHEN JAYYDHW

fan10: IS THIS CONFIRMATION

ynofficial: guess so

ynofficial: BUT CONGRATULATIONS SNOW BRO!!!

scottyjames31: CONGRATS SNOW SISTER!!!

charles_leclerc: you guys killed it!

liked by ynofficial and scottyjames31

liked by danielricciardo, ynofficial and 87,815 others

scottyjames31: i see you, ynofficial, and i embrace it. you do not intimidate me.

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danielricciardo: probably my favourite delivery that i've ever done

ynofficial: but what about the goat?

danielricciardo: ok i take it back

fan11: GUYS WHAT GOAT

chloestroll: trust me, you don't want to know

fan12: ok but the snow siblings' sense of humour>>>

scottyjames31: it's genetic.

ynofficial: and i'm the funniest

danielricciardo: i agree with ynofficial

scottyjames31: you'll find the divorce papers in the mail shortly

ynofficial: NO YOU CAN'T TAKE MY BROTHER IN LAW FROM ME

lance_stroll: um

ynofficial: not you honey 💚

fan: i'm confused at this family dynamic

liked by ynofficial, pierregasly and 528,916 others

charles_leclerc: late dump from austria ⛷️⛷️

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fan13: late dump?? austria?? you mean where y/n and scotty just competed??

fan14: holy shit i think he does

pierregasly: what do you have a personal photographer now?

charles_leclerc: stop stirring the pot mate 😂😂

fan15: pierre like this comment if charles is hiding something

liked by pierregasly

fan15: you should all know that he liked my comment

tiktok posted by scottyjames31...

comments:

danielricciardo: you forgot to tag ynofficial technically she now has her own source of information...

fan15: DANIEL WHAT

scottyjames31: that's supposed to be a secret 🤫🤫

liked by fan16, pierregasly and 2,285 others

f1tea: charles leclerc spotted this weekend with mystery girl! identity is unknown - feel free to comment any ideas

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fan17: PIERRE??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???

fan18: keeping tabs on his bestie

pierregasly: keeping tabs on my bestie indeed

fan19: she kind of looks familiar like i think i ran into her on the grid a few races ago

fan20: am i the only one who thinks that could be scotty and danny's friend?

fan21: BABE 'SCOTTY AND DANNY'S FRIEND' IS MISS Y/N L/N GIVE HER SOME RESPECT

liked by carlossainz55, charles_leclerc and 761,961 others

ynofficial: everyone's a ferrari fan

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fan22: this choice of pictures is unusual like i can't explain it

fan23: babe all this information coming from different sources rn is giving me whiplash are you or are you not dating charles leclerc?????

scottyjames31: see that's just not true

ynofficial: even if they say they're not, they are ferrari fans

scottyjames31: please don't my loyalty is already being pulled in two ways

fan24: not y/n posting both charles and carlos to try and throw us off her scent

fan25: okay there's no way she's not dating charles - scotty's tiktok and then the pap photos??????

liked by pierregasly, chloestroll and 971,925 others

ynofficial: why do people keep asking if i'm dating charles leclerc?

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scottyjames31: sheesh idk i'm scratching my chin trying to come up with something here

danielricciardo: BOMBASTIC SIDE EYE

pierregasly: fun yacht trip?

charles_leclerc: who even is charles leclerc?

fan26: nah you're playing now that's cruel

fan27: THE BACK THE BOAT THE HAND KJBSCVE

liked by ynofficial, scottyjames31 and 751,962 others

charles_leclerc: it's me guys. she broke my heart the day she spent with red bull 💔💔 but we're healing and moving on from that bump in the road. side note: my do i love this woman

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pierregasly: ynofficial give me back my boyfriend

ynofficial: but you already have him on weekends!!!!!!

landonorris: i'm sorry i must have missed something here

danielricciardo: keep up

redbullracing: we lost another trouper to the tifosi 😭

fan28: please they're so fucking hot idk who to look at

fan29: fr i'm torn

fan30: mother and father 🧎🧎

fan31: i'm worried, scotty's being quiet

scottyjames31: i hope you can fight, leclerk

charles_leclerc: i'm under strict instructions not to fall for your bait, lames

danielricciardo: everyone needs to know that the post y/n put on where me and scotty were sat on a porch wearing cowboy gear, y/n had just told us she'd been dating charles for 7 months, and that was 3 months ago

ynofficial: scotty's a little salty rn

scottyjames31: *protective

scottyjames31: actually you deserve each other, you're both unnecessarily dramatic

ynofficial: chloestroll

chloestroll: please scottyjames31 you need to look in the mirror

liked by chloestroll, scottyjames31 and 981,185 others

ynofficial: BUT I LOVE THAT MAN LIKE NOBODY CAN

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scottyjames31: you don't understand my ears were bleeding from how many times you played don't delete the kisses by wolf alice before you met this gorgeous thang

fan31: what does she listen to now?

scottyjames31: taylor swift mostly

fan32: nobody understand me i'm breaking down rn

fan33: y/n in her fan era

fan34: these are quite possibly the most SCRUMDILLYICIOUS pictures of this man that i have EVER seen and i love it so much

pierregasly: charles has entered his wag era

charles_leclerc: and i'm never gonna leave 💪

charles_leclerc: it's a lifestyle, brian

danielricciardo: OH THEY GROW UP SO FAST

fan35: i've lost track of this group of people now

fan36: lance stroll🤝chloe stroll🤝scotty james🤝y/n l/n🤝charles leclerc🤝daniel ricciardo🤝scotty james

[autisticlalna]

don’t have the braincells to do anything with this, so i figure i could just throw this out there for, like. the five people who’d know what this is.

anyway: sbk shadow people au 👀?

YOU HAVE GIVEN ME INFINITE POWER

a quick recap of what Shadow People AU is: alternate universe where 1.15, on top of everythin else it Actually added, included a poorly-documented new mechanic where you could summon a black-and-yellow shadow copy of yourself. if you killed your shadow you would get a copy of everything you had in your inventory when you summoned it, but it would also be stronger with each death. if a shadow dies enough times, they can evolve to the point of being able to strategize, to build, and to communicate. oops! theyre self-aware!

there's a lot more to it than that, but ill explain as we go. because my favorite thing to do ever is apply this concept to different mcyt series and explore what might happen, and ive been toying with makin a variant for sbk. SO LETS GOOOOOOO

Viking would use his shadow to dupe materials and as an extra hand when buildin farms, so his shadow would develop to be more work-focused i think. zeroes in hard on a task and will not give up until its done. leave him alone he's got Shit To Do. either Viking gives him a cool mythology name, he continues the season nicknamin scheme to match Summertime, or Avid calls him somethin dumb and it sticks.

Vintage gets Antique. bottom text. i can actually just point at Antique as-is and go "yeah that's her shadow" LMAO. recolor the colored bits yellow and give her her eyes back and Antique is good to go. fun fact: the only* thing that can kill a shadow is their summoner or another shadow. run.

(* theres more than that but this post is already pretty long. spau is Big.)

Ruby is probably where we first run into the idea of "entity corruption", because god knows whats going on with Cherruby. basically if you've gotten corrupted by an entity in any way (eg Scar and Cub havin Vex magic, Watcher Grian, Karl Jacobs gettin put in the time travel blender), that bleeds over to your shadow and can cause... problems. i have a lot of thoughts about how this applies to TSMP specifically, but im squintin at Cherruby going what is your deal because there is SOMETHING messin with zhem and whatever it is is gonna mess with xis shadow too.

Avid would not risk havin a shadow. the most obvious reason is bc his shadow would be Super corrupted bc of basically everythin that happened in Nightmares, but the actual reason is that it would look like Avoid and that would freak Avid out too much :,D

rose suggested Marmalade would have the Old Shadows and OOGHGHHHHH FUCK . that goes hard. basically there's an associated dimension called the Shadowlands, and you can royally screw up your shadow's data by goin there before theyve finished forming for the first time. the outcome is a maxed-out shadow with a god complex that is capable of whatever you think its capable of. Marm might've drawn a connection between the Shadowlands and the Void, tried to use it as another way to get down to the Limbo border when the Void wasn't lettin her in, and instead got the Abyss equivalent. probably just named Void because of initially assuming theyre an extension of the Void itself.

Trog would be the runner-up for the Old Shadows, i think, but also they probably thought about it and went "nah" and forgot to warn anyone else that thats a thing. continues the trend with my Trog hcs of lookin perfectly normal and Not Being Normal At All. not entity corruption, just, like. corruption corruption. somethin broke here.

wait lmao i just realized something really funny and its that Fool's shadow would literally just look like him but all shadow-y. bc Fool already normally has the yellow/gold cracks. solar probably will have more ideas on what to do with this guy but i am proudly announcing that it is now Two Of Them Thursday

i cant decide if Leon's shadow shows signs of ender-ification before he does, or if he stays Completely Normal while Leon mutates. the latter is probably more interestin bc shadows gettin messed with is a pretty common trait in the au so havin a situation of "the shadow is normal while their summoner gets more and more fucked up" is fun. also: shitpost incarnate. this penguin cannot be stopped by any mortal means

i dont know how the tube thing would affect the shadows, is the fun part. like, "mechanically" the way the shadows work is they're tied to playerdata, so the likely idea is that Cloneby would have Cherruby's shadow. that's fun and fucked up!

fun side note: shadows are ground bound. they can do the kingdom hearts heartless thing of going flat to travel up surfaces and fit through spaces but they cannot jump over gaps. skyblock is maybe the worst experience for a shadow ever LMAO

[thewulf]

Big Blue World || Joel Miller

Request: Can you do a Joel Miller x Franks Younger sister reader?? I haven't seen any fics with her. Maybe she's a bright ray of sunshine to Joel's grumpiness?... Read rest here

A/N: Wasn't planning on posting this first but inspiration struck and you've gotta take it! Hope you guys enjoy.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Y/N

Word Count: 9.4k+ (Another long one!)

TW: Talk of suicide, general TLOU warnings

One – Seven Years Post Outbreak: The Dinner

The first time you laid eyes on him was only a few years after you and Frank moved in with Bill. It was simple really. Both you and Frank fell into Bill’s trap ditch. You managed to break your ankle on the fall down. Panicked and sure death was in your immanent future you burst out into tears. You weren’t made for this kind of life. This impossibly hard life. You, Frank, and a group of nine others were venturing to the Boston QZ after your home was demolished. You’d been walking for what felt like months, you could really never be too sure.

It didn’t make sense how you of all people were one of the last surviving in the group. Often getting by with just the skin of your teeth your only saving grace being that you were quick. You could run for your life. That, and you had Frank. He was eight years older and the best big brother you could have ever dreamed of. Even pre-outbreak the two of you were thick as thieves plotting to take over the world. He saved your life more times than you could count. You hated it. Being weak and shit. You wanted to be better for Frank. You had to survive with him. He couldn’t do it alone either.

So, when you fell into Bill’s hole and screeched you were just thankful whatever it was would take you both out. Neither having to live in this sick world alone. To your pleasant surprise Bill not only let you stay but he knew how to fix your ankle properly, without having pain in the future. You were sure Bill and Frank fell in love that first night. You didn’t know how that all that worked but you were so happy that your brother found his happiness, his purpose.

Life slowly turned back to a weird fucked up new normal for the three of you. Bill and Frank fell madly in love with each other within a few months. They never excluded you though, making you feel as though you were meant to be here with them. You found it easy to pretend you were back in life pre-outbreak. Finding hobbies around town you got really into knitting and gardening. You just wanted to be seen as useful to Bill. He was kind enough to let you stay so you wanted, needed, to bring something to the table.

You were interrupted from your solace hearing the men arguing at the front of the house. So much for weeding. Being far too curious for your own good you listened in on the two of them as they bickered.

“Oh, fuck you!” Frank yelled rather dramatically.

“Hey! Would you stop?” You knew Bill was rolling his eyes at your brother’s antics. Whatever the hell he could be up to now.

“Do I ask for things ever? Why am I even saying that? This is for me. This is for the three of us!” Your brother yelled. You inched closer dying to know what this blow out was about. The two men could be so damn dramatic when they wanted to be.

“Who cares what they look like?” Bill continued. What the fuck were they on about? You could only wonder as you sat behind the tree near the front listening in.

“I do! Our home isn’t just our house. It’s everything around us!” Frank yelled again throwing his arms up in the air. Oh, he was on the beautification subject again. Frank wanted everything pretty, but Bill never let him. Resource management was key.

“Give me a fuckin’ break.” Bill returned your over dramatic brothers cries. Oops. You knew that was a mistake. Bill always tried to argue but Frank always won.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot. I live in this world. You live in a psycho bunker where 9/11 was an inside job, and the government are all Nazi’s.” Your older brother seemed to calm down even though you knew he was downright mocking Bill.

“The government are all Nazi’s!” He boomed. You couldn’t help but to let out a silent laugh. You agreed with him of course. Frank just knew how to push his buttons.

“Well, yeah, now! But not then!” Frank defended, “I am asking for some paint and some gasoline for the lawn mower. That’s all. I’ll do everything else myself.”

“It is not man-“

Frank interrupted him clearly agitated. You were getting a full-on show now. You hated to admit it, but you loved when they had blow outs. It was your entertainment for the day, “If you say resource management so help me, I will run through one of your trip wires.”

“Okay, okay. Just tell me why.” Bill seemed to reason. Boo. You knew as soon as it calmed down the show was over. It was fun while it lasted. Standing slowly you were going to make your way back to the garden only to hear Frank continue.

“Paying attention to things. It’s how we show love.” You listened in again. What the hell was he talking about now? It sounded like bullshit, “This is my street too. Just let me love it the way I want to. And I’m fixing up some of the shops.”

Ohh, it just got juicy again.

“Woah, woah, woah.”

Frank rolled his eyes, “Not the stupid ones. Just the wine shop, and the furniture store. And the clothing boutique.”

“The boutique? Are we hosting formal garden patties now?”

“No!” Frank couldn’t help but to roll his eyes at the man. That was so like him, “But we are going to have friends.”

“Excuse me.”

“We’re going to make friends and we will invite them to visit.” Oh, hell yeah, this was getting good now. You could use some friends anyway. You prayed Frank won this battle with Bill.

“We don’t have friends Frank. We will never have friends. Because there are no friends to be had. Other than Y/N.” You grinned hearing that last bit thrown in. You loved that he always made sure to include you. You grew on him that’s for sure.

“Well, I’ve actually been talking to a nice woman on the radio.”

“You what?!” He screamed. Oh hell, Frank was in trouble now and he knew it. You watched as he darted to the front door ignoring Bill.

Bill turned right to you shaking his head. Busted, “I know you heard that whole thing. You’re not sneaky.”

You shrugged, “Who said I was trying to be?”

“You and your brother are going to fucking kill me.” He groaned making his way in to talk to Frank.

You only smiled as he departed. Bill had also grown on you.

Next thing you knew you were meeting the nice woman named Tess and her friend Joel. You couldn’t but to take your eyes off the man. He wasn’t like anything you’ve come across in Baltimore and now here. He was so freaking handsome. You hadn’t a clue how to handle it. It’d been years since you talked to another human let alone a beautiful man.

At dinner you made sure to look at anything but him, keeping your eyes locked on either Tess or Frank. Luckily Bill was his usual grumpy self after losing to Frank and kept his gun out and trained on the two strangers. You were so thankful he kept their attention instead of you.

“Can you not, please?” Frank sighed looking over to his boyfriend. You bit you lip trying to stifle the smile that threatening to spill over. They were always bickering. Like an old married couple. They couldn’t even hold it together in front of the guests.

“I’m the same way.” You heard Joel speak for the first time. He seemed to let Tess take the lead most of the time. Thankful you weren’t standing. You were sure your knees would be wobbly. He had that smooth southern drawl with a thick husky bite that’d draw just about anybody in. Fuck. You couldn’t have possibly been this horny to be thinking such things of a literal stranger. You had to reign yourself in quick.

“Oh, you’re a paranoid schizophrenic too?” Frank quickly chided in. You only leaned back rolling your eyes earning a quick glance from the handsome stranger.

“I’m not schizophrenic.” Bill sat there looking between everyone. That killed the whole mood. Great, just wonderful. The first real people you meet, and you’ve all ruined the chances of them coming back already.

Tess cleared her throat interrupting the silence, “Well, can I just say, gun aside, which I get,” She laughed but continued, “how nice this is to have a civilized meal in such a beautiful place? It’s been so long. I mean, I just, uh, I wanna thank you. Even if we don’t end up working together. I really needed this.”

“We are working together.” Frank cheers confidently. You only leaned forward smiling, “We are.” He looked at Bill who only looked horrifically apprehensive about this whole situation. Frank was pushing him beyond his limits.

Before you knew it Frank and Tess were walking inside giddily talking about something they chatted about on the radio. Leaving only you, Bill, and Joel alone. Great, the three mutes. You leaned back waiting. It wasn’t your place. This was for the big dogs, and you certainly weren’t one of them.

“If my uh, if mine brought strangers into our situation I wouldn’t be too happy either. But of all the people you could’ve found on the radio we’re actually decent people.” You leaned back further letting your mind wander as the two of them talked. You only prayed Bill wouldn’t drive him away completely.

You sighed as they left. Bill drove them out. You stayed a couple of feet behind and watched the two conversations unfold. You gave Tess a wave and smile before she was out. Joel didn’t bother turning around as he waved the group off. Leaving you with only a small frown. They’d be back soon enough. You were sure of it.

Two – Eleven Years Post Outbreak: The Supply Run

That familiar voice that you hadn’t heard in so long came from downstairs. Quickly, you ran down the steps to greet the now acquaintance that you wished would show up more often than he did.

“Joel! Tess!” You jumped down the last step only to be greeted with Joel and Bill, “Wait where’s Tess?” Fear ran through you. Did she get infected? Was she gone already? She was Frank’s only friend outside of here.

“Frank just took her to the boutique.” Bill grumbled sitting down in the chair at the dining table.

You let out the breath you were holding, “Good!” You clapped thankful that the worst hadn’t come over your somewhat friend. If you could use that word, “Maybe she’ll pick out some of the clothes I made.” You grinned knowing you just stocked the store up with your latest sweaters and hats. What else were you supposed to do with your time other than make way too much clothing that the three of you would never go through?

“You make clothes?” Joel asked seemingly interested in the conversation.

You beamed just happy he noticed you. He hardly noticed you before, only briefly talking to you each time they had come back. It seemed they stopped about once a year. Tess always giving Frank a heads up on the radio before the made the trek up north.

You wished you could get Joel to see you. But you were just Frank’s little naïve sister. That’s all you ever seemed to be. Not that you blamed him, he was right after all. You really were just Frank’s naïve little sister having way too much optimism for this cold world.

 You craved any attention Joel gave you. From the second you laid eyes onto him four years prior and every brief interaction each year since you were entranced by him. He was so strong and composed. Something so opposite of you. Someone so sure of himself every time he came around. And Jesus, look at the man. He was so damn attractive it nearly drove you mad. He only seemed to get more handsome each time he and Tess walked through those gates. You thought about him far too often. Far too often for somebody who saw you as Franks little sister.

“I did and do! There should be some that fit you if you want some yourself?” You gave him a hopeful smile. Maybe he’d accept?

Joel looked somewhat impressed? You couldn’t tell. It wasn’t a look you’ve seen from him before, “Yeah?”

“Mhmm.” You grinned, daring to take a step closer, “Bill’s even modeling my latest collection. Classic springtime.” You waited patiently for him to decide. You weren’t sure how to handle yourself if he decided to come with you. You’d literally dreamed of alone time with Joel and here was a chance at it… you didn’t think you were ready.

Bill huffed turning away. Because of course he did. Earning a brilliant scowl from you. Truth be told he held a lot of love for you in his heart too. Your constant reassurance and optimism grew on him over time, not that he’d ever dream of telling you. He wasn’t mushy. He could hardly handle you in your sober state. In your emotional one? He’d for sure go mad.

As if by a miracle Frank and Tess came barging in giggling about who knows what. Saving you from a too awkward encounter with both grumpy men. You couldn’t help but to smile at the Tess and Frank. They would have been friends’ pre-outbreak too. You could just tell. Two souls that connected so effortlessly.

 Joel noticed you watching them. He always noticed. He was always watching you when you weren’t watching him. He couldn’t help it. He was drawn to you, and he was really God damn tired of fighting it. Every time he came, he hoped he wouldn’t run into you. He wanted to but for his sanity’s sake he couldn’t run into you. But you always showed up. With that damn brilliant smile and cheerful greetings. Making him feel way too special. He craved it. He loved it.

“Y/N!” Tess came rushing over to you placing both hands on either of your shoulders, “You made these? These are actually good. They have designs in them and shit. I didn’t really believe Frank when he said you were good at it, but he was right. I’m impressed.”

You shrugged, “Well, when you have all the time in the world.”

That earned a chuckle out of the woman. She seemed so happy and relaxed here. A side Joel rarely saw. A side that was seemingly reserved for you and Frank. It made sense though, both of you were infectious. Both Joel and Tess let their usual stoic guard down around you both.

“Joel. Go now. Y/N will show you.” She ordered. So sure of herself. Something you so deeply admired about the slightly older woman. She lived that life. The rugged one. Yours was so damn peaceful compared to hers. A country club compared to the life she lived.

You nodded towards the door, “Come on, I’ll show you.” Not daring to betray Tess’s orders you nodded for him to hurry up.

He nodded. His mind was made up for him by Tess, “Alright. Lead the way.” He tried to look grumpy. He didn’t know how it was actually paying off though. Because he was way too damn excited to finally be alone with you.

You held the door open waiting for him to join you outside. You led the way a couple of steps in front of him. Tired of the silent walk you had to say something, “How’ve you been holding up Joel?”

He sped up a couple of steps taking that as an invitation to walk beside you. He had no God damn idea of how to act around you. He had a stupid big fat crush on you that Tess, and now Frank, knew about. He was sure that’s why she sent the two of you alone.

It happened slowly for Joel. Initially, he really only did see you as Frank’s little sister. You didn’t do much for him. But over time, over the shortest of visits he slowly started to look forward to seeing you bright shining face. You always greeted him with the happiest of smiles. Like it was the pre-outbreak world, like nothing was wrong. Tess picked up on it over time when he bugged her to visit with supplies. Claiming he needed to see Bill but always brining you up somehow.

Joel knew it was dangerous. Falling for someone in a world like this. Someone like you. You were just too pure for this world. He couldn’t see you outside of these chain link fences. He didn’t want to imagine you trying to survive out there. You didn’t deserve it. You deserved so much more.

“I’m okay. We’re okay. Getting by just fine. Couple supply runs here and there.” His accent came out strong the longer he was away from the QZ. The longer he was able to relax the thicker it came out.

“Good.” You nodded. You too had no idea how to talk to him. Coming from such separate worlds it was like your brain couldn’t fetch the words to converse with him. Which was really bad for you.

“And you?” He offered. He was trying. Something you hadn’t seen from the gruff man. You turned looking at his face as the setting sun seemed to hit all his angles just right. Eyes tracing every feature you soaked everything about him in.

“I’m decent.” You sighed knowing that was a terrible answer. So, you did what you did best and just started talking, “Been busy knitting a store up. Trying some new techniques in the garden I read from a 2001 Farmers Almanac. I think it’s working too. I’ve got a ton of cucumbers. I’ve gotta pickle them or they’ll go bad. Unless you guys want some?” You offered knowing you needed to stop before you babbled far too much. It was either way too much talking or stone-cold silence when it came with you and awkward conversations. And this was incredibly awkward.

He was giving you a different look. A much softer one. One that’s as if he’s seen you for the first time, “We’ll take some. But you’ve gotta pickle the rest. We’ll be back and then I’ll take some pickles. Deal?”

You giggled feeling your cheeks heat up as he kept his eyes locked with yours. You watched as you saw his eyes turn up slightly as small smile formed on his face. You had a feeling this was a very rare occurrence for Joel. Not often finding that smile. And you were right. It was terribly foreign to Joel, but you brought it out. Somehow, some way he felt a little lighter when you were there.

“Deal! We’ll have way too much for us anyway. The garden is getting a bit out of hand, but it keeps me busy.” You stopped pointing towards the building, “Here we are.”

He held his hand out, “Ladies first.”

“Course.” You smiled leading him in, “There should be some stuff over there that you might like. I’ve got some extra stuff in the back if you don’t like any of it.”

He nodded letting himself go and search. You sat back on the countertop that used to contain the cash register.

“You really made these?” You heard him before you saw him.

“The ones without the tags yeah!” You brought your legs up and sat with them crossed beneath you. Simply waiting on him to grab whatever he needed.

Before you knew it, he walked up to you holding a few sweaters and shirts, “Is it alright if I take these?”

You nodded, “Sure. I’ve got plenty more. It only takes a few hours to make these now. I’m afraid I’m going to run out of yarn.”

“I can get you some.” He replied without a hesitation.

“Yeah?”

“Sure. Consider it a trade. Next time I see you I’ll have some. What colors you want?”

You smiled a bright smile to him. You’ve grown so fond over the four years you’ve known each other. But it felt like you’d suddenly broke through to him. Whatever it was you were so thankful. This was a Joel you didn’t know. A Joel you could surely get used to. Even if you only saw him every year or so.

“Pinks and purples. I ran out of those so quick. Didn’t know how much I liked them.”

He nodded, “Pink and purple yarn coming right up.”

“Thank you, Joel.”

He shrugged, “Consider it a trade.”

Three – Fifteen Years Post Outbreak: The Seed Trade

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Looking around to make sure Bill wasn’t going to pop up.

Frank shrugged, “He’s got so many fucking guns he won’t notice a measly 9mm missing.”

You sighed feeling that anxiety rising in your chest, “Fine. Who’s coming for this trade?”

“Joel.”

“Joel?” You sounded surprised. It had only been six months or so since you’d seen him last. Not that you were complaining in the slightest. You’d always welcome him back.

“And Tess.” He smirked, “But I just wanted to see your reaction.”

“Oh, fuck off.” You giggled knowing he was teasing about your crush on Joel.

“They say after six months of crushing on someone it’s love. It’s been what? Eight fucking years of the two of you flirting like mad when he comes around. I think it’s past love at this point.”

“What of it Frank? It’s not like he’s moving in here. It’s not like I’m moving to the Boston QZ.” Rolling your eyes, you leaned onto the chain link fence.

Franked rolled his eyes right back at you, “Why couldn’t he move here?”

“Uhm, because he has his own life with Tess?”

He shrugged, “You know people moved for far less in the pre-outbreak days.”

“Well, we aren’t living in those days, are we? We’re living in fucking reality Frank. He has a life. I have mine.”

“You haven’t even asked.”

“It’s not my place to.” You admitted. Sure, you’d thought of it, but it wasn’t your place to in the slightest. This was Bill’s place after all. The two of you so immersed in the debate back and forth neither of you heard the pair coming up on you both. It wasn’t even like they were being that silent.

“What were you guys talking about?” Tess asked popping out of thin air. Joel stood behind her smirking at the heated conversation between the two siblings. He and Tommy bearing a striking resemblance to the bickering siblings.

“Nothing!” You turned smiling at the pair you’ve grown to love over the years.

“Joel!” Frank said right after you. You turned towards your sibling eyeing him up and down. The nerve on him beyond you at this point. Frank was really just tired of waiting to see you two together. He knew there was nothing going on between Joel and Tess, like you were worried about, but he also knew Joel was apprehensive. As were you.

“And Tess!” You turned towards the two of them again, “Good to see you both so soon.” You smiled brightly towards Joel. Your best smile reserved for your favorite man. That certainly didn’t help your case with Frank though.

“I got you some more colors.” He handed you a duffel bag stuffed full, “Red, purple and blue this time.”

“You’re spoiling me, Joel Miller.” You cheered happily accepting the gift. Tess and Frank could only step back and watch the innocent interaction. For the life of her Tess couldn’t understand how soft Joel got with you. Only with you. Frank too marveled at your nerves with the man. Your usual confident self only seemed to waver in his presence.

“Or” You turned back towards him with wide eyes. Getting ready to tease him, “Is it because you know I’ll make you nice clothing?” You continued on, welcoming the harmless flirting that always seemed to arise between the two of you.

“You caught on quick.” He threw you a rare wink.

You giggled softly, acutely aware of the audience intently listening in behind you, “You’re lucky I adore you both. I’m more than happy. Any requests?” It really was your favorite. Gift giving was your love language to others. It just made you so warm and fuzzy inside to see everybody’s reactions to getting something they love.

Tess coughed, not caring that she was interrupting the moment. She needed some items and if you were offering, she would be taking. She missed the harsh glare from Frank though, “I really could use some new socks.”

You turned towards your friends, “You got it. Stick around long enough today and I go grab you a few pairs?”

She nodded her head quickly, “I honestly could really use them. You mind Joel?”

“As long as Bill doesn’t.”

Frank shook his head quickly, “Not at all! We’ll make sure to have dinner ready for everybody.”

“We wouldn’t want to impose…” Joel began before you bucked up the courage and interrupted him. You wanted him to stay.

“You wouldn’t be at all. Bill and Frank love cooking. Enjoy it.”

Joel nodded folding into your assurance quickly. That’s all he really needed to hear before he agreed to staying.

“Thank God.” Tess grumbled, “I could use some good food too. Joel, we gotta get out here more often.” Tess notes.

“I agree!” You nodded trying not to be too gleeful about the innocent proposition.

“Yes please.” Frank nods. He adores hosting and wants people to come around more often. Especially if those people include Joel. He so desperately wanted to see you happy with him. Even if it meant losing you to the Boston QZ. He knew you’d visit.

Joel let out a rare laugh seeing the group so happy. So fucking carefree. So, unlike the norm. God, he missed the old days. How simple that life really was, “I’m not stopping anyone.”

Tess smiled, “It’s settled then. We’re coming for you more often.”

Your face lit up at the confirmation, “Good. Well come on then.” You flashed your smile towards Joel, “You know where everything is, get comfy.” Beckoning them to come in with your hand you turned back towards Tess, “What color this time? I’ll even make you blue ones if you want!” Your cheeks began hurting from the grin that wouldn’t fall from your face. It warmed your heart that Joel always brought you more yarn, always. Even five years after that conversation with him, he never failed to bring you some.

She shook her head, “Just use some scrap yarn or something, nothing special.”

“You deserve to have a color you want Tess. Something that makes you happy. Plus you know I have a pair in every color ready to go.” Your eyes softened as you really looker her over now. The last five years not being kind on her, on anyone really. Her initial soft features began hardening over time. Wrinkles formed where her scowl always was. The world wasn’t kind to you. But the world was downright cruel to Tess and Joel.

“Anything is fine really…”

You stopped immediately not satisfied with her answer. Joel almost ran you over as he was paying attention too closely to the conversation and not what you were doing, “Well, what’s your favorite color?”

She laughed, “That’s something I haven’t thought of in a while.”

Giving her a sad look these conversations never failed to pull at your heartstrings. You all were unfortunately born into a world that would simply never exist anymore. A world that was thriving. A world that was so fucking foreign it hurt. You were almost jealous of the humans being born in the post-outbreak world. They would never know the luxury of living that old life. This was all they knew. This was their normal. This September will mark the fifteenth year that you were living this new normal. This insanely fucked up normal.

“Mine was pink. But it just doesn’t seem as happy anymore.” You admitted, “I think my new favorite is blue. Sky blue. That’s happiness to me.” You shot her a small smile.

“Why’s that?” She asked as the group started their short walk back to Bill’s house.

You shrugged hoping what you were admit didn’t make you look too soft, “When I get tired of gardening I like to lay down and just look up. Watch the clouds like I did when I was a little kid. Find figures in the clouds. The sky never changes. There’s just something so cathartic about it.”

You didn’t see it because he was walking behind you but a ghost of a smile crossed Joel’s lips. He couldn’t help it. He was so fucking drawn into everything about you. So gentle in a world that wanted to rip you apart at any moment. He, of course, made a note of it. He needed to find sky blue yarn. It wouldn’t be easy now. It started getting difficult to find untouched yarn in the QZ. It was even harder finding it outside. But it never bothered him. The smile alone on your face when he handed you a bag full of yarn was worth all the trouble to get it.

Tess nodded, “I think mines green. Grass green. Tree green.”

“And why’s that?” You asked her the same question, curious as to what she came up with.

“Green means the weather gets better. It just makes life easier.” She let out a small sigh of frustration. A growing frustration of trying to stay alive. It wears down on you far too quickly.

Again, another wave of sadness rushed through your heart. Why were you, of all people in the world, given the chance to live this somewhat normal life in the middle of nowhere? Why wasn’t Joel given the chance? Tess? The longer you lived here relatively unstressed the more guilty you felt through it all. Especially seeing just how much the real world had aged the pair.

“Then green it is. I have a really nice forest green pair I think you’ll like. Did the last pair fit okay?”

She nodded opting not to reply verbally feeling the emotions bubble up from deep within her. Emotions she buried so deep down she wasn’t sure if they’d ever come back up. But your gentleness with her, your determination to break down those walls she put up so high was beginning to crack the walls. How you could be so thoughtful was beyond her greatest comprehension. You had to be selfish in the world. You were the opposite.

“Okay!” You clapped at the group made it back to the house, “I’m going to run to the boutique to grab what I need. See you guys later.”

“Want some company?”

Your stupid heart sped right on up hearing that husky voice from behind you. Biting your cheek, you wanted to hide the smile that was forming automatically. God, you’d dreamed of moments like these. Moments where Joel sought you out instead of you seeking him out. Moments where you knew he liked you. Wanted to be around you.

“I’ll always take your company Joel.” Turning towards him you did not want to see Frank and Tess’s reaction. There was a 100% chance they’d run into the house giggling like little schoolgirls gossiping about the two of you. They turned into middle school girls the second any kind of drama could be sniffed in the air.

You could’ve sworn you saw the slightest hint of a blush dance across the apples of his cheeks.

Giving him a soft smile, you started walking to the boutique with Joel in tow.

“How are you doing Joel?” You asked hoping he’d give you the real answer not the bullshit fluffy stuff you were used to. You always asked him this same question each time he came.

“I’m… tired.” He admitted while running his hand through his grown-out hair.

Looking down to the ground you hid the frown as you kept pace with Joel now, “I can’t even imagine Joel. I’m so sorry... I”

He cut you off by placing a friendly hand on your shoulder. The contact immediately making you freeze up. It’d been too long since you’d been touched by anybody other than your brother or Bill. Your eyes clouded over with unshed tears as you tried to bite back the emotion that suddenly overcame you.

“You don’t need to apologize.” You continued to walk as you racked your brain for anything to say to him, but it seemed to have short circuited.

“I feel guilty.” Not having a clue why you were admitting it to him you blinked a few times hiding your emotions best as you could.

Joel didn’t understand why you would feel that way. He just gave you a curious look, waiting for you to continue. When you didn’t hear his reply you finally bucked up the courage to get another look back at him. His eyes urging for you to elaborate.

“Why me? Why did I get to live this life. This easy, simple life? How did I luck into it? I guess it doesn’t really matter. It’s all ending soon anyway.” You decided to drop the bomb on Joel. Finally feeling like you could tell somebody.

“Why do you say that?”

You sighed finally spitting out what’s been bothering you for the last few months, “I think Frank’s sick.”

“What kinda sick?”

“Not infected. I think it’s like pre-outbreak sick Joel.” You turned away wiping the stupid tears that slipped down your cheek. You were worried. So, fucking worried for your best friend.

Joel still looked confused, “Okay. Why do you think that?”

“He’s tired all the time. Complains to Bill about losing feeling in his hands and feet. He doesn’t remember things like he use to. I don’t know. Maybe I’m looking too much into it, but something just doesn’t feel right.”

Joel frowned trying to think of words to comfort you, but he came up terribly short. He didn’t do this. He couldn’t do this. The last time he had to was when Sarah was alive. An entire lifetime ago.

You continued knowing he hadn’t a clue what to say, “Bill won’t talk to me about it either. Says nothing’s wrong. I don’t know what to do Joel. They can’t just ignore it.

“Do you think there’s medicine? I can try and find something.”

You shook your head, “Don’t think so. Don’t think they had a cure back then. Sure as hell don’t have one now.”

“Well, you don’t know that Y/N.”

“It’s not cancer. It’s in his brain or something. That’s what the books are saying. I don’t know Joel. It just doesn’t feel right.”

He nodded, “Keep an eye on him.”

You stopped in once you reached the store. Quickly you ran in grabbing what you needed before meeting him back on the street to start your walk back to Bill’s house. Both of you walked back in silence, unsure of what to say.

“You shouldn’t feel guilty.” Joel broke the comfortable silence that consumed the walk home.

“Yeah.” You mumbled not really feeling like debating right now.

“Really. You and Frank were meant to find this place. You were meant to do everything here. You’ve been a constant in Tess’s life. My life, for the last eight years? God, how’s it been that long?” Joel smiled thinking back on his times with you,.

You smiled, “Don’t make me feel so old Joel.”

That drew a heavenly laugh out of your favorite guy. Something that came around so rarely that you cherished every second, “You’re still a kid.” Joel didn’t believe that. As cruel as this world was to everyone it still looked so beautiful on you. You hadn’t aged like everyone he knew. A woman who could pass in her twenties easily.

Scoffing you shook your head, “Hardly! I’m seasoned at life.”

“You sure are.” Joel nodded. He smiled as he studied you this time around. He wished and prayed he wouldn’t have fallen for you, but he couldn’t resist. Not with that smile. Not with your kindness. He wished this was easier. There was no easy way to go about it. That’s why neither of you cared to admit your feelings. What good would it really do but complicate things further?

You made it back to the house where you were ambushed by Frank who looked far too happy, “Y/N! They got us strawberry seeds! Your favorite, remember?”

Walking over to him you inspected the seeds. Looking up to Tess you smiled softly to her, “Thank you. I haven’t had a, uh, strawberry in what?” You looked to Frank brushing the tears away from your eyes, “Fifteen years now?”

He nodded with a big happy smile, “Yeah, fifteen years.”

You turned to Joel, “Thank you so much!”

“Sure, we would’ve brought them sooner if I would’ve known you liked them so much.” He admitted. He wasn’t sure how you did that to him. Got him admitting embarrassing things in front of everybody he knew.

“I guess I just forgot about them. Such a luxury I didn’t even think of. They were our mom’s favorite. She found a way to incorporate them in our food almost everyday.”

Frank wrapped you in a hug. He knew just how soft you were. How sad you got when you thought about mom or dad. They just disappeared right out of your life. Dad never made it back from work that day. Mom got infected the second day. Neither of you could kill her so you ran. Ran so far away until you landed in the Baltimore QZ. Until it then was demolished.

Giving him a squeeze to let him know you were alright you pulled yourself away from him, “Thank you both. Really. Now you’ll just have to come back in a few months when they’re grown. We can make some strawberry shortcake.” The gears started turning in your head. There were so many new recipes you guys could use with strawberries now on the menu.

Joel nodded. Tess agreed, “We already agreed to coming around more often anyway. Now it’s just an extra excuse.”

Frank pulled her to the living room to talk about who knows what.

“Alright, I’ve gotta get to work.” You held up the green yarn. Walking over to the chair in the window you got comfortable.

“Want some company?” Your favorite voice broke your concentration.

“You know my answer, Joel Miller.” With some newfound confidence you winked at him as you said so.

Four – Eighteen Years Post Outbreak: The Trip Back to Boston

“No. No, no, no, no, fuck no!” You punched the pillow sitting next to you with all your might. This couldn’t be fucking happening to you. They couldn’t be making you leave. Feeling your heart tip into two you let the tears fall freely. How could your brother do this to you? You knew his health was the reason, but you couldn’t fathom why he wouldn’t let you stay. You’ve been through this whole thing with him. It felt like he was just abandoning you.

“Y/N… you have to.” Frank’s sad face broke you. You didn’t care about his feelings anymore. You broke down completely now letting the loud sobs free.

“Please Frank, please don’t make me go.” Choking on your words you could hardly comprehend why he was saying this. Why he was making you go.

“You can’t be here any longer. You have to go.” He couldn’t look at you not with the look you had on your face.

“Just tell me why Frank! I can help. I can help you both. I’ll do more. If that’s what it is, you know I’ll do more Frank. Please don’t make me go. Please Frank.”

He shook his head letting his own fresh set of tears fall, “I’m dying Y/N. I’ve got a few months, maybe a year left. You can’t be here for that.”

“I’ll die out there.” You shook your head back and forth suddenly terrified of what traveling to Boston actually meant. The real world. The sick world. The world that wanted to kill you.

“Not with Joel. Not with Tess.”

A cry broke from your throat, “Just like that? After all this time? I can be there for you in the end. I can help Bill.”

“Bill’s going to have to move on to and I’m not sure if you fit into that plan.”

“Oh.” You continued to cry. Curling up within yourself you let yourself cry until you couldn’t anymore. Frank didn’t dare try and comfort you. He knew that wasn’t welcomed. So, he sat there. He wasn’t going to leave you. Not yet anyway.

After calming down you finally processed what the this all meant. It meant the end of the road for you and Frank. It meant starting over, completely. You knew it would end sooner or later but it still stung. It didn’t feel like enough time.

Standing suddenly, you caught Frank’s attention who was just sitting there with his head down, “I’m staying in the guest house.”

“Y/N…”

“Night.” You shut the door behind you, loudly.

It was still bright out when you laid down to go to sleep. Joel and Tess would be here in the morning to get you. To take you to your new home. Turning over in your bed you looked out the bedroom window studying your home once more. The flowers that bloomed out front reminded you of all the times you and Frank spent gardening. Making your home beautiful.

No longer would you be able to make trips to the boutique. No longer would you be able to stock it up for your guests. No longer would you get to live in this little fantasy land.  

Woken by a hand on your shoulder you pushed the hand away, annoyed you were woken so abruptly, “Go away Frank.” You mumbled.

“Not Frank.” Fuck. Why was Joel in your room waking you up?

“Oh,” You couldn’t bear to turn towards him. You adored him. Loved him even. But you didn’t want to go like this. Being forced outside your will. It hurt. Crushed you even. You didn’t want to take your anger out on Joel so best to keep your back turned to him. But God, you just wanted to scream. Yesterday you were just living your life as normal, as possible, that you could. Then Frank dropped the bomb and now you were just expected to go, “Sorry, Joel.” Meekly replying to the man, you shed a single tear. That’s the one thing you hated about yourself. How damn emotional you got. You couldn’t bottle it up even if you tried.

“S’fine.” He sighed not sure what to say. What could he say? He knew you didn’t want to go. Frank warned him and Tess once they got there. He knew just how devastated you likely were. Everything you knew was about to vanish. Joel had gone through that a few times. It wasn’t the best feeling. But he always survived. He knew you’d be just fine. And there was that sick twisted thought of happiness that you’d be close to him.

He tried to fight these feelings away. Tried his damn hardest. He knew you couldn’t really love in a world like this. How devastating it always ended. Nobody was ever really that lucky. Joel had loved hard and lost even harder. He swore he’d never let in anybody ever again. Tess was the closest and they were just partners. Nothing more. He loved her but he wasn’t in love with her.

Then you came along. All happy and shit. He swore he’d never love hard again but that promise seemed to crack each time he saw you. You never failed to put a smile on his usual stoic face. He resisted the urges for so long until he couldn’t any longer.

“Can you give me a moment?” You asked hoping he’d take the hint.

He nodded before realizing you were turned away from him, “Right, yeah. I’ll be at Bill’s place.”

“Okay.” You closed your eyes until you heard him close the door. Letting out the shaky breath you were holding. You watched from your window as Joel walked slowly back over to Bill’s place. Seemingly lost in thought.

You put on the fresh set of clothes that you always left over. A simple set of jeans, t-shirt, and a hoodie. Not believing it was really it you forced your legs to walk back over. You had to face the music sooner or later.

“Morning.” You nodded your head at Tess, the first person you saw sitting in the living room.

Giving you a sad smile, she nodded right back to you, “Morning.”

“Y/N.” You heard your brothers voice, “Bill made you a pack. It’s got everything you might need.”

Biting your lip, you took it gratefully. You really couldn’t have done it without either of them, “Thank you.”

“You’ll be okay out there.”

“Sure.”

Joel and Tess sat back watching the painful interaction. Tess nodding towards the door letting Joel know they needed to get out. They both snuck out without you or your brother really noticing. Both too caught up in whatever the hell this was.

“Y/N.”

“Spit it out Frank.”

“I don’t want you to hate me. I’m doing this for you. It’s best for you.” You leaned back into the wall crossing your arms. Choosing your words very wisely. This would be the last time you’d talk with him in this lifetime. You had to do this right. For his sake and yours.

“I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. I love you so fucking much it hurts.” You let a tear fall. Dammit here they came. The waterworks, “I just wish you’d let me be here for you but if you think this is best then I’ll go.”

“It’s best.”

Letting a few more tears slip you nodded your head, “Tell Bill that I love him. I love you, Frank.” You walked over hugging him tightly. Squeezing him so tightly you knew it was hurting him, but he didn’t dare say a word. You were hurt and grieving him even while he was still standing there.

Letting him go you gave him your best smile, “I’ll always love you, Frank.”

“And I’ll always love you. Be safe out there.”

“You know it.” You turned quickly walking towards the door. Shutting it behind you, you took a breath. Why did you have to be born into this world? What good fucking came out of all of this. What was the point?

Walking over to Joel and Tess, you gave them a quick head nod.

“You alright?” Tess asked.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Joel looked a little too apprehensive seeing your blood shot eyes and rosy cheeks, “You sure?”

“Positive. Please, let’s go.”

“Alright, follow me.” Tess led the way. This was your life now. This was going to be just fine.

The walk back to the QZ was quiet and cold. You didn’t dare complain though. They were simply doing this as friends. Whatever the hell friends were. It only dawned on you as soon as you got close, without incident, that you were an outsider. How in the fuck was that going to work?

“Joel?” You asked one night shortly before you arrived.

“Hmm?” He stayed silent most of the way. Not ever knowing what to say to you. God, he wanted to be a source of comfort, but he hadn’t a clue how to be for you.

“How’s this going to work? I’m an outsider and all.”

He understood your concern, “It’s all taken care of. Tess got some paperwork made up. You’ll live with me for the time being and we’ll find you a job.”

“Cool,” You nodded. Pleasantly surprised that it had been so thought out, “Thanks Joel.”

“Sure.” He had a hard time looking at you. Knowing he’d cave for whatever friendly look you’d be giving his way.

“Thanks for everything Joel. Really. For protecting me and what not.” You mumbled feeling terribly awkward about it all. Even though you didn’t appreciate your life so much anymore it felt good to be looked after. To be wanted and taken care of.

“I’ll always protect you.”

Five – Twenty Years Post Outbreak: The Trip Back to Bill’s

“You don’t have to go in.” Joel stood at the gate blocking the path for you and Ellie.

You shook your head, “I’m okay.”

Ellie rolled her eyes, “Let’s fucking go then.”

Smiling at the girl you turned back towards Joel, “You heard the girl.”

He gave you a skeptical look, “You sure?”

“Yeah, I just won’t go in the house.” You kept your eyes forward, not darling to look at him.

He nodded turning back towards the overgrown town. Ellie walked past you keeping pace with Joel. Bugging him about something. You hung back taking a leisurely stroll through your old home. A place you called home for nearly fourteen years.

The usual green grass had turned a shade of brown without Frank’s attention to detail. The bright yellow flowers had been overgrown with weeds. A tug at your heartstrings knowing the worst had come to Frank. That was expected. His condition going from okay to tragic in a matter of a few months. What you didn’t expect was Bill taking his life too. Bill wouldn’t let this place go to shit. It was his home first.

Too quickly you made it back to the house. Joel looked back at you before he and Ellie went in. You nodded, letting him know it was alright. You made your way to the side of the house where your garden was. You strolled through the raised garden beds that were overgrown with who knows what now. It looked like the place hadn’t been touched in two years. He must’ve done it right after you left. They must’ve decided together. Without you.

Tears sprung to your eyes when you spotted the thriving strawberry patch. Somehow untouched by weeds or the animals around it your once small square of strawberries had grown tenfold. Seemingly thriving in this environment.

Squatting down you picked a ripe one. Turning it over in your hand a few times just thinking about Frank before you ate it. He would’ve loved to share one last one with you.

“To Frank.” You mumbled before taking the last bite, discarding the stem on the floor.

You sat down next to the strawberry patch grabbing a few more before you laid back onto the grass. Letting yourself feel sorry for yourself after everything. Knowing what Frank was going to do. Seeing Tess die in front of your eyes. Realizing Bill also left this world. Everyone you loved and cared for gone in a matter of two years.

Tess’s death hurt you the worst. One moment she was there and the next she wasn’t. So unexpected. You had time to process and grieve your brother’s death. Bills caught you off guard but didn’t surprise you completely.

Looking up to the sky you remembered a long-ago conversation with Tess about favorite colors. Sky Blue. It looked so pretty today. Not a single cloud in the sky. One big blue sky.

“Bill’s gone.” Joel’s voice interrupted your peaceful solace.

Flicking your eyes over to look at him you didn’t see Ellie behind him, “I know.”

“You, okay?” He took a seat next to you.

“Mhmm. I’m fine. Take a strawberry. They’re still good.” You smiled up at him continuing to lay on your back.

He did as you instructed, “They are.”

Giving him a genuine smile, you just felt comforted by his presence. He was the only constant in your life for the last two years. You’d grown far too attached to the man, but could you blame yourself? He was everything to you. You were so terrified that you’d lose him too. It’s all you seemed to be doing in the last two years.

“Get everything you need?”

“Yeah. Battery is charging for another hour or so.”

“Ellie?”

“She checking out the town. I told her about the boutique.”

Sitting up you looked over at him. He was so beautiful. The salt and pepper look throughout his hair only making him more attractive in your eyes. The scar that graced his cheek enhanced everything about him. His hair was at the perfect length where it flicked all over the place. He’d probably start complaining in a few weeks. Then you’d cut it and it’d be far too short, and you had to wait until it was your favorite length again.

“Maybe she’ll grab something.”

He nodded, “Power still works. Grab a shower while you can?” He stood up offering you a hand.

“Sure,” You took his hand in yours. Joel pulled you up gingerly. Always so careful with you, “Thanks Joel. I’m going to the house next door. It should still be stocked up.”

“Need a change of clothes?”

He was always so thoughtful with you. Never skipping a beat, always making you a priority. His way of showing just how much he loved you. And he did. Boy did he love you. He just had a hard time expressing it directly. Showing his love in other ways instead. He initially said no when Frank proposed you coming back with them to Boston. But when he heard his pleas through the radio, he knew what he needed to do.

He was surprised at how well you adapted out there. You knew your strengths, weaknesses. You knew how to be helpful and when to take a step back. You never complained either. Just wore a smile on your face instead. That was how you coped. Smile and walk. You’d be there soon enough. The first trip was the hardest. It got easier after that. Joel wouldn’t let you sneak out with him at first. Too scared you’d get hurt. But Tess eventually convinced him. Then you were off helping them out as you could.

“If you don’t mind? There should be some clothes in my room.”

“You got it.”

You’d known about Frank’s passing. Hoping to come to Bill’s for supplies. Lucky for you it hadn’t been raided, yet. Joel worked on getting the truck ready while you and Ellie showered.

You walked back over to Bill’s standing at the front door. You wanted to go in so bad, but it didn’t feel right. Something tell you that you shouldn’t.

“Hey, you hear me?”

You snapped out of the trance you seemed to be under, “No, sorry Joel, what’s up?”

“Come on, need your help loading up.” He motioned to the garage on the side of the house.

“Yeah, alright.” You jogged over to meet him, “Thanks for the clothes.”

“Mhmm.” He kept his gaze forward.

You really couldn’t take it much longer. The thought of losing yet another person with telling them how you felt just didn’t sit right any longer.

“You know I love you right?” You asked.

“What?” he paused looking taken aback at your sudden admittance.

“I love you, Joel.” You smiled a genuine smile. One that felt so good to do.

“You do?”

“Why do you look so surprised? Of course, I do. You’re everything to me.”

He gave you that brilliant smile that made you weak at the knees, “You love me, huh?”

You slapped his arm, “I love you. How many times are you going to make me say it?” You giggled feeling like he was loosening up. Softening even further as he saw your overexcited state

“I dunno.” He took a step towards you, “It sounds nice.”

“Yeah?” You asked transfixed on his gaze.

“Oh yeah, and you know what?” He asked.

“What’s that?”

“I think I love you too.” It felt strange admitting it out loud, but damn did it feel good. Right.

Your heart started racing, “You think?” Raising your eyebrows, you dared take a step closer to him.

He shook his head a bit upset by his choice of words. Always seeming to mess them up, “I know. I love you, Y/N.””

“I like the sound of that.” You didn’t let your smile fade only bigger. God did I feel good to get it out. You knew what his answer would be. He showed his love in other ways but damn did it feel good to hear.

“Yeah, now come here.”

[pocketgalaxies]

FOR REALLL RE: WHEN MATT ASKED IF ANYONE WANTED TO DO ANYTHING. And then, when they went to Keyleth and Orym said "we want to be useful in the downtime"... my jaw fucking dropped. You all JUST got back from aeor, and right before that you got back from the moon - where your friend fucking DIED. No one wants to process any of that??

From how Matt had framed it, the feywild meeting between Ludinus and the Unseelie was an optional mission they could have delegated to NPCs, yet they jumped right into it with no prep or plan.

[And ohhh, the instant amnesia about why they were there. It was like they completely forgot the intent of the mission, and when Dorian raised that point ("is this what we are here for? To fight?") They all just shrugged and acted like there was no other choice!] I love them all dearly, so my frustration is borne of concern (they just walked into a HUGE fucking fight they are ill prepared for), and I am TERRIFIED Fearne will die now because of it. But also, I wonder - do they even want to be in this campaign anymore?

The way they keep rushing forward...maybe it's bc they've been conditioned by the rest of this campaign's pacing. Part of me feels it's Orym. This whole campaign it's felt like he's been using his pushing attack on the team. [Telling them early on (ep 30s) they need to promise him to be better together, forever reminding them of the ticking clock which means they need to get to Yios, to the malleus key, to reunite post-solstice. Then, an hr into the reunion: they need to keep going to address things "fast and fully". They need to get to Keyleth, to the moon, to stay on the moon even if it's risky bc "it isn't a vacation." Oop Letters died, but let's get back to keyleth, now we need to go to aeor, back to keyleth, and after all of that...well they need to "be useful in the downtime"! That might be too uncharitable? I don't know.

Above the table, I think they are all overworked from making two animated series, running a company, and their professional work outside of CR. It seems like too much. Like they need a break, and maybe subconsciously are running headlong to the finish so they can finally have one. I don't begrudge them that, but it does make me sad for these specific characters that they've been so constrained by the plot.]

yeah for sure, the campaign is sharing space with a million other responsibilities when it used to be The Flagship the single most significant project they were working on. i think it's very likely that both animated series are perceived as a higher priority than the campaign now given the budget, wider audience, etc. which just kinda sucks when the campaign also requires the highest level of emotional and time investment out of all of those projects

orym has definitely played a role in the Always Business No Pleasure vibe of the campaign but i guess i hesitate to put that much blame on him, i think the overall story has been go go go and orym is largely a reflection of that. but also i do agree that it certainly isn't helping and many ppl have made more eloquent posts than i ever could about the space his grief has been allowed in comparison to other aspects of other characters and how that has affected the party and the campaign overall

i really do wish they could've taken this week to recuperate, do something for themselves. literally anything. go shopping. any loose ends they would want to tie up before going into a battle to the death. but they either don't have connections to outside npcs or those connections simply aren't prominent enough. relvin, milo, birdie and ollie, family in zephrah, dariax, etc.? anyone?? imogen v. groon battle was sitting right there? and i just don't understand the necessity of adding in this ludinus unseelie situation it seems like something extraneous that the story could've gone entirely without and now it's just another Thing they have to do?

ANYWAY just struggling a lot about all these things! having a great time!!

[voxofthevoid]

JJK Teasers: September 2024

Still doing this, though I kinda forgot about it last month after the initial post. Oops. Once again, here are ~200 (unedited) words each from the JJK updates intended for this month.

Ch. 10 of (let me be clear) every version of the story ends with you being slaughtered

“Who’s Suguru?”

Gojou mouth clicks shut; his eyes being hidden doesn’t stop his whole face from radiating shock. Yuuji curls his hand into fists on either side of his body and waits, viciously patient. Yuuji imagined this a lot. These last three weeks, without even a single rambling message to indicate Gojou was still alive, Yuuji has had plenty of time to cook up all sorts of scenarios. What else could he do? The first week, he trained until he passed out, but that kept taking longer and longer and longer, until twenty-four hours passed with Yuuji’s mind still stubbornly online, and he’d wondered, once or twice, if that was Sukuna’s doing somehow, and then he’d somehow started wondering if Gojou was ever going to come back, if Yuuji was going to rot in this gilded cage until he starved and died, and then he’d thankfully passed out on the ground, waking up freezing and miserable the next morning without a cold or even a bruise to show for his stupidity.

After that, he tried to keep his imagination constrained to conversations. Sometimes, he screamed. Sometimes, he apologized. He knew he wouldn’t do either.

When he slept, the dreams were almost a solace. The blood and the bodies were warmer than his bed.

Even Sukuna’s amusement was just dull background noise after a point.

“He…was someone I used to know,” Gojou says finally, the silence only louder for the breaking. “It’s not important.”

Liar, Yuuji doesn’t say.

He asks, “When you fuck me, are you thinking of him?”

Ch. 3 of i can offer you a black-lit paradise

“Taking it slow isn’t always a good thing, Yuuji,” says Gojou. The overlapping fingers on Megumi’s hips turn bruising, making him hiss. “But I guess you wouldn’t know that. Here, I’ll show you.”

“Wait—” is all Megumi manages to say before he’s forced down.

White-hot sensation tears through his body, concentrated pulses of it lashing at his asshole and clawing up and up and up, till he’s choking on a supernova. Gojou’s cock feels like a solid spear of fire, the flesh around it scorched raw.

“—was too much, sensei,” he hears, the voice soft and close. “Are you okay? Fushiguro?”

“M’fine,” Megumi grits out, prying his eyes open only to be immediately assailed by cow-eyed concern. “Stop it.”

Itadori blinks. “Stop what?”

“Stop,” Megumi says carefully, trying to focus past the screaming hurt in his lower half, “looking at me like that.”

Itadori blinks again. “Like…what?”

“Like I’m going to break!” Megumi snaps.

For a moment, Itadori looks taken aback. Then he grins, inexplicably. “That’s just like you, Fushiguro.”

“A bit of dick isn’t going to change who he is.” Gojou’s the one who answers, the words soaked in mirth. “And you should know that very well, Yuuji.”

What the hell does—

Itadori laughs, ducking his head a bit. “I do, I do. Sorry, Fushiguro. Didn’t mean to make you self-conscious.”

Ch. 3 of your resistance, prophetic self-destruction

“You look so miserable, you poor thing,” Gojou murmurs, voice so soft that Yuuji can’t tell whether it’s mockery or sympathy; he wants nothing do to with either. “What do you want from me, Yuuji?”

“I don’t know,” Yuuji lies. But his mouth’s got other ideas, adding in a mortifyingly small voice, “I like you, sensei.”

“Do you?” Gojou asks, tone painfully neutral. “Or do you just want to fuck me?”

Yuuji raises his eyes from the wetly clumped white hair at Gojou’s navel to glare at his face. “What kind of a question is that? Why the hell can’t it be both?”

Gojou just looks unreasonably amused. “Sure, it could be. But at your age, it’s very easy to confuse this”—a tap his chest, right over his heart, and then a hand delving under the water to curl around Yuuji’s limp dick, squeezing once—“with this.”

Yuuji hates his body reacts even to that cruel touch.

“Stop that,” he snaps, curling both hands on the edges of the tub so he won’t do something stupid like try and strangle Gojou. “I’m dumb but not that dumb.”

“Oh, you’re no fool, Itadori Yuuji,” Gojou says, tongue curling softly around the syllables of Yuuji’s full name with a gravity that never fails to fill his spine with molten lead. “But you are very young and full of life—and planning to die that way, aren’t you?”

Yuuji’s whole body goes cold. “What?”

Gojou’s still smiling. “Don’t you want you die, Yuuji?”

Ch.2 of (this is also part of the story) how the story changes

“Gojou-san?” Nanami calls.

Satoru and Yuuji are in perfectly respectable positions, standing close together but with a good foot of space between their bodies, when Nanami and Shouko reach the bottom of the stairs.

They both promptly freeze.

Beside him, Yuuji makes a noise.

“Kento-kun, Shouko-chan,” he practically gasps, “you’ve grown so much.”

Satoru turns to stare incredulously at Yuuji.

He gets his hair yanked and told he’s grown a bit, all with a gently mocking air that no amount of fondness could hide, but these two get—

Well, apparently, they get Yuuji pulling them into a hug they’re too stunned to reciprocate—or resist.

Even with the Six Eyes, Satoru can only barely see Yuuji move. Isn’t that wonderfully terrifying?

Yuuji releases his frozen victims fairly quickly, but only so he can take Nanami by the shoulders. He and Yuuji are nearly the same height—a fact which seems to delight Yuuji.

“You’ve really changed!” Yuuji says, and unless Satoru’s ears are betraying him, that’s pure glee in his voice. “You’re wearing a suit. And your hair. This is adorable.”

Adorable, Satoru mouths to himself.

Shouko’s wide eyes meet his for a fleeting second before she returns to staring at Nanami and Yuuji in evident fascination.

And Nanami—

Nanami looks catatonic.

It’s that blank-eyed stare over a distinct blush that snaps Satoru out of it. “Yuuji, you’re breaking him.”

[shipmistress9]

Drunk on You - A 'Made to Order' Story

Apparently, I forgot to post this one here, oops. 😅

Summary:

“There’s something I’d like to ask of you. If you don’t mind. You can absolutely say no. I want to celebrate tonight. With you. I want to get drunk. Not entirely sloshed but a bit more than just pleasantly fuddled. And then…” She bites her lower lip before leaning in to whisper into my ear. “Then I want you to take me home. To your place. To spend the night entangled in you. I want to forget everything, what happened, the past, even my own name, at least for this one night. Can you help me with that?” Violet and Xaden spend the night after the wedding together, and there's a lot of pent-up longing to work through. -- This story takes place directly after the end of the main story. I recommend reading the precious parts of the series before this one, but I guess it's not strictly neccessary.

. o O o .

AN: On we go! This part takes place directly after the main story, during the night of the wedding. But even though it doesn't fit chronologically, I still think reading this one after 'Fool me once' makes more sence than the other way around.

At the beginning here, it switches between paragraphs that are happening 'now' and flashbacks of a scene that happened earleir that night which are written in italics. I hope it's not too confusing.

. o O o .

Her lips are everything. So soft and sweet. I never want to stop kissing her again.

After returning from the fancy bar, I hand Violet the colourful cocktail, and her answering smile takes my breath away. Like everything about her.

Her little gasps, the way she constantly seems to hunger for more. More kisses, more touching, more closeness. I couldn’t resist her even if I tried.

“Before I start to get drunk today…” she says, chuckling and with a pretty blush on her cheeks. “There’s something I’d like to ask of you. If you don’t mind. You can absolutely say no.”

My hands glide over her dress, skin-tight and barely there, leaving none of her lush curves to my imagination. Fuck, I can’t get enough of her.

“I want to celebrate tonight. With you. I want to get drunk. Not entirely sloshed but a bit more than just pleasantly fuddled.”

Fuck, how many times have I forbidden myself to even think about these curves, let alone ever feeling them beneath my hands, how they give and push with every touch.

“And then…” She bites her lower lip before leaning in to whisper into my ear. “Then I want you to take me home. To your place. To spend the night entangled in you.”

She’s practically sitting on my lap by now, her sweet ass rubbing against me, and I fucking need her, more than I ever needed anything else.

“I want to forget everything, what happened, the past, even my own name, at least for this one night. Can you help me with that?”

The taxi drives around a corner, pushing her further against me, but it hardly makes a difference. Not with how I’m already holding her so tight against me, how she presses in even further, our arms wrapped around each other. And not with how our mouths slant together over and over, teeth nipping at lips. In one moment, my tongue is in her mouth, tasting and exploring her, her mewling like music, and in the next, she flicks the tip of her tongue against the roof of my mouth, licking along my teeth, sucking on my tongue. I want to live forever like this, with my mouth attached to hers. It’s everything.

I barely notice how the taxi stops and the driver taps against the window. Violet does something with her phone—and I’m amazed she still has the presence to find the right app—then there’s a beep and a few seconds later, we’re out on the dark street in front of my shop. How we made it out without ending the kiss, I don’t even know.

All I know is that I can hold her more comfortably now, leaning against the side entrance to my home, with her cooped up in my arms. She nibbles on my lower lip and with a light giggle sucks on it just as her hand moves between us to rub against my bulge.

“Violet!” I groan as I press into her touch. I don’t even care who might see us out here, I just want more.

“Fuck,” she mewls, her knees almost giving out beneath her, and I hold her even tighter. “I love it when you say my name like that.”

I gasp at the breathy needy tone of her voice. Irresistible. “Violet,” I groan again, letting all my desire for her leak into my voice just to let her know how much I need her.

“Yes. Xaden!” She rubs against me more firmly, and I grind into her touch in return, unable to hold back. Gods, I might come right here and now if she doesn’t stop.

Grimacing, I try to regain some control. Not that that would be the end of this night, not with the effect she has on me. But it’s not how I want it, not what she deserves.

“Let’s get inside,” I grunt, and Violet eagerly nods where she’s nibbling at the side of my neck.

Somehow, I fish out my keys from my pocket and even manage to open the door. We slip inside and make it through the corridor and towards the stairs without taking our mouths off each other or knocking anything over. Though I think Violet’s purse lands somewhere on the ground. But drunk on desire—and a few more drinks than I’d planned—climbing the steps together is difficult, too slow. And when Violet stumbles in front of me and I catch her just in time, my hands on her waist and thigh, I couldn’t care less about the stairs anymore.

My mouth is back on hers for real in an instant as I lift her up and press her against the wall. She tries to wrap her legs around me, but the stupid ugly bridesmaid dress doesn’t leave her enough room to move. So I grab a hold of the fabric at the top of the mid-thigh high cut and tear. The sound or fabric ripping has us both in a fit of laughter, but at least she’s free to move now, the cut reaching all the way up to her waist and the dress falling open around her legs.

She’s wearing a lovely tiny slip in black, lace and silk from the looks of it. And all I want is to bury my nose in it, to lick her wetness through the fabric. I… want to pull it off her with my teeth, want to see it carelessly lying on the floor of my room. I want… want…

“Violet…” I groan and press closer against her. Still not close enough, never close enough.

“Come here,” she gasps and winds her arms around my neck, her fingers in my hair as she pulls me back to her mouth. I oblige happily, dizziness and heat singing in my veins. Fuck, I want her, need her, now, forever, always.

With her bare legs now wrapped around me, I roll my hips against her, and I feel how hot and slick she is, even through my own clothes. Groaning, I grind into her harder, drawing a beautiful string of moans from her throat, tasting them on my tongue.

Her head falls back against the wall and I kiss my way down her neck. “Xaden!” she gasps and her fingers tighten in my hair, keeping my mouth in place, and I memorise the spot as highly sensitive. I kiss it, nibble and lick before sucking on it. I want to leave a mark on her.

Violet moans, loudly, but then presses a hand over her mouth. “S-sorry,” she mutters, weirdly concerned all of a sudden.

Kissing my way back up and along each of her fingers, I pry her hand away again. “I don’t mind you being loud,” I groan against her skin, my thoughts hazy with her scent, her taste. “In fact, I love hearing you. Please never hold back for me.” How could anyone not want to hear her?

She lets out a strange little hiccup-y noise before bending her head and giving me access to her neck again. I take the invitation, greedily diving back in to work on that spot that has her making such beautiful noises.

This time, Violet doesn’t hold back, with my name somewhere in-between her moans, and my hold on her tightens when she rolls her hips to meet mine with increasing speed. Fuck this is so hot, I never want this to end, never what this night to be over. Want her to stay.

Violet’s moans turn breathy, a few shallow and sharp gasps. Then she grows tight, her fist tearing at my hair, but I don’t even feel the pain, too caught up in everything, in her.

“Fuck! Xaden!” she howls, quaking in my arms, and I watch in awe as she falls apart.

So. Fucking. Beautiful.

My hips keep moving, thrusting against her in reflex, my mouth still on her neck until her orgasm is over, my ears ringing from her scream. There’s a grin on my lips, laughter bubbling up from deep within my chest.

“Did you… just come?” I gasp between euphoric chuckling and kissing up her neck, her jaw, her cheek.

Violet’s giggling, too, only slowly drifting down from her height. “Seems like it.” Humming, she leans into my kisses until her lips meet mine again. We’re both too dizzy and distracted for a real kiss, but the contact is still nice. “Guess I needed that.”

Something in her tone shifts into sadness, but I can’t have that. She asked me to make her forget about the past, and I won’t fail her.

“Have to say,” I mutter, mainly to stir her away from any gloomy thoughts. “This was the fastest I ever made a woman come.” I’m not sure that was the right thing to say. There’s no filter anymore, and my mouth is just doing what it wants. But at least the words make Violet laugh again.

“Or maybe the slowest if we count the two months of foreplay,” she teases.

I shake my head, more laughter filling the narrow staircases. Gods, I want to stay like this forever. With her in my arms, our mouths so close, kissing and laughing. I want to live in this moment, here, never want it to end.

Wait…

I do live here… don’t I?

Which means…

…Fuck!

“Shhhhh,” I whisper through the giggling , both her and mine. “Shhhhhhhhh, quiet! Or we’ll wake Liam.”

“Oh, shit!” Violet claps one hand over her mouth again yet so different this time, barely muffling her ragged breathing and chuckling.

I probably should care more about the fact that it’s most likely too late to hide her presence here from Liam, at least until the morning. But I’m just too happy, too dizzy, too aroused to mind. Instead, I press my lips back to hers, muffling both our noises that way, and kiss her again, deep and ardent, my tongue thoroughly exploring her.

But we really should get off the stairs and behind some closed doors. Regretfully, I let go of her ass, her thighs, let her glide down until her feet hit the ground again. I think she lost her shoes somewhere, but I don’t even remember when.

Still giggling and grinning like an idiot, I tug her along. Up the stairs and into the spacious living area Liam and I share, then to the left, to the door that leads to my bedroom.

I meant to slow down a bit, to maybe talk or at the very least get rid of these uncomfortable clothes. But the moment the door closes behind us, she pulls me back against her, my mouth back to hers, and every thought that isn’t about her—about how I can make her moan and gasp like that again, about how she feels and taste and smells, about all the things I want to do—slips from my mind in an instant. Especially when her hands get busy unbuttoning my shirt. My jacket is already gone, probably in the same place her shoes went. Possibly. Hopefully. I have no fucking clue.

I let her do what she wants, too distracted for anything outside this moment, gasping against her lips when her fingers touch my bare skin. She doesn’t waste any time, her hands roaming across my chest, my sides, gliding over inked skin, and my muscles tremble beneath her touch. Gods, I want her so fucking much.

As if she’s reading my thoughts, she deepens the kiss, her head angling just so, her tongue in my mouth robbing me of even the last shreds of my control. Her hands on my skin are all that keeps me grounded, the sweet taste of her lips. The room spins around us and the world could crumble away, I wouldn’t care.

Too drunk for any coherent thoughts—on the alcohol, desire, and everything that is her—I follow her example, my hands moving along her body, feeling her soft curves beneath my hands. But it’s not enough, I want her skin and the stupid dress is still in the way. A thought flickers through my hazy mind, about how I should have spotted how to take it off earlier. But then, it’s ruined already, right? To Malek’s balls with it.

My hands grab a hold on either side of the V-neck and before I even register what I’m doing, the dress is torn open all the way down to her belly button. Violet lets out a surprised little noise but otherwise doesn’t react except for shifting her shoulders so the tattered remains slide off her completely.

I don’t want to stop kissing her but I also can’t not take a look at her now that she’s almost naked in my bedroom. By Amari’s tits, I still can’t believe this is real. If it isn’t, I never want to wake up.

Gasping for air, I let my eyes glide down her body, taking her in. Aside from that teasing little slip, she only wore some strapless bra-thing beneath the dress, and even as I’m still gazing at her, Violet reaches behind her and unhooks it, letting it land on the floor along with the dress.

My mind grows even hazier at the sight of her breasts. Fucking perfect. They’re not the biggest I’ve seen—or played with, for that matter. But for her smaller frame, they’re disproportionately big, so inviting. Plush and pale and round, perky as if daring me closer, her rosy peaks impossible to resist.

With my eyes transfixed on her pearly skin, I graze my knuckles along the underside of her left breast, then up along the side, around and inwards. Violet trembles beneath my touch, her eyes fluttering shut, and when I brush against her nipple, a high-pitched keening sound slips off her lips and she arches into my hand. And I fucking lose it.

“I want to taste you,” I groan as I sink to my knees in front of her. The words slip off my tongue before I think about them, but they’re the truth, I realise. I want her, need her, want to lose myself in her, want to feel her fall apart around me. I want it all. But right now, most of all, I want to taste her skin, her sweat, want to explore that sweet dampness between her thighs, beckoning me. I want to worship her, show her what I can do for her. Gods, I can’t even think.

My mouth is on her skin before she can reply. I cover her breasts in openmouthed kisses, slowly, basking in being so close to her, her lovely floral scent. Transfixed, I watch the skin around her peaks pebble up as my breath brushes over them before—finally—flicking my tongue against her nipples and close my lips around one. And I can only hope that her moan and the way her fingers card through my hair to pull herself closer to me means she wants this, too.

I switch sides when she trembles against me, one arm wrapped around her, holding her, the other hand playing further with her breast. Violet moans my name, loud and needy, and the sound goes straight to my cock, making pre leak from my tip. But not yet…

A little regretfully, I let go of her gorgeous tits and let my mouth wander further down, towards my real goal. But while our height difference worked in my favour in putting my head level with her chest, it’s becoming more of a hindrance now. So instead of bending down uncomfortably without reaching her anyway, I pull back. Violet mewls in protest, but I quickly lean up to quench her protest with a kiss.

“Let’s get more comfortable on the bed,” I groan against her lips. My hazy desire hates the distance moving puts between us, but I quiet it down by quickly taking off my shoes and socks, stripping off these stupid trousers, and letting my shirt drop to the floor on top of them.

As I turn my attention back to the bed, Violet is already sitting in the middle of the spacious mattress, watching me with hungry eyes. “Come here,” she purrs, beckoning me with her finger, and who am I to resist her? I crawl onto the bed until I’m above her, pushing her down into the covers as she pulls me into another kiss. Fuck, this is everything. Her lithe body beneath me, small but strong, her nipples rubbing against my chest, her legs parting to let me settle between them. I could lose myself in her so easily, in this, just our bodies grinding together, our tongues wrapped around each other.

But the warm dampness between her thighs is still calling to me, and while my cock is aching to be inside her by now… I want to eat her out more.

With a groan, I pull my lips away from hers and kiss my way down her body again. Along her jaw, nibbling at her ear, down her neck, reminding myself not to spend too much time between her tits again. Her hands are back in my hair, her moans and gasps filling my room with the most lovely sounds. I kiss a trail of damp kisses down her ribs and abdomen until I reach the lacy hem of her slip. Trailing more kisses along the edge of the fabric, I enjoy how she shudders, how her muscles move and how she shifts to get me closer.

And her scent. I can’t think anymore, only act on instinct, running my nose over the fabric before my lips follow, gliding across the soft silk. But before I can do more, her fingers tighten and pull me back up. A little breathless, I look up at her, questioningly, into her dazed eyes.

“You… you don’t have to do that,” she whispers, her eyes wide.

I lick my lips to buy some time, recomposing myself. “Do you want me to stop?” This is it. If she doesn’t want me to eat her out I won’t do it. But… fuck, I hope it’s something else.

Violet’s eyes grow even wider if possible, desire and something else I can’t really name warring within them. Doubt, maybe? Then she shakes her head, though, the motion hesitant and small but true nonetheless.

A grin spreads across my face. “Good,” I hum. “Because I really want to fuck you with my tongue right now.”

. o O o .

I take a sip from my coffee—one sugar and a drop of milk, just how I like it—and let out a deep sigh. After getting entirely too little sleep last night—and the weeks before as well if I’m being honest, though for different reasons—this is exactly what I need. The coffee is strong and rich and just plain amazing.

How is it possible that even the coffee tastes better here?

With my hands wrapped around the warm mug, I lean back against the cushioned bench and let my gaze wander through the room. It’s big, far bigger than I would have expected in an older building like this.

There’s the kitchen with the cosy breakfast corner where I’m sitting. It’s modern with a simple elegance yet not as clinically-cold as others in this style. Maybe because it’s obvious how this kitchen actually gets used, with a dust of freshly ground coffee powder around the coffee machine, a set of drying cutlery, a glass, and a plate sitting by the sink. It’s not just some statement to show off but the beating heart of the house, as it should be.

Next comes a dining table large enough to hold ten people, maybe even more, with an interesting mixture of different chairs around them that makes me grin. One would never see something other than perfectly matched furniture in the places I was used to when I grew up, all matching some ‘well-thought-out’ theme that leads through the entire apartment. Such a contrast to here, where everything just effortlessly fits in—because there is no theme.

Behind the table and chairs comes a comfortable-looking landscape of various couches, cushioned seats, and even sitting bags in various sizes, all loosely grouped around a TV that takes up more than half of the wall space and a low table with clear signs of thorough use.

And even though the area is huge, it doesn’t give me that sense of being small and lost. Probably due to the little details to discover everywhere. Sideboards and shelves and bookcases line the walls, the decorations on them not following any theme I can recognise except maybe them all being souvenirs of some sort or other. And pictures. So many pictures on the walls of so many people. I’m not close enough to take a look, but aside from Xaden and Liam, it seems like it’s always different people. I can’t wait to hear the stories behind them all.

And… I’m going to hear them. Rhiannon told me to have some fun. To flirt and maybe hook up so I could forget about Dain. But what developed over these last two months between Xaden and me… it’s something different. Something real. I didn’t need to hear the words Xaden gasped after that first kiss yesterday to know. Even though hearing them, for the first time in my life, meant more to me than he could ever know. And this last night…

My teeth dug into my lower lip, and as I gaze unseeingly at the table before me, I relive all those intense moments. Xaden’s mouth on my skin, kissing me everywhere. As if worshipping every broken little part of my body and soul. His tongue laving at my slip until the fabric was entirely soaked with a mix of his saliva and my wetness, the wonderful teasing friction of it. Him pulling that last bit of fabric off me with his teeth. And then his mouth down there, doing things I didn’t even know where possible.

A shiver runs down my spine as I remember how he ‘fucked me with his tongue’ as he called it, and what an accurate description that was. It felt like nothing I ever experienced before, debauched and intense, yet at the same time so sweet I could have cried.

After that first orgasm—or was it the second? There was that hazy moment on the stairs, wasn’t it?—my memories grew more muddy, from the alcohol and the blissful desire alike. I remember Xaden crawling on top of me again, kissing me deeply, and the kick it gave me to taste myself on his lips. How my hand wandered down between us, beneath the waistband of his underwear, and the most beautiful sound, Xaden’s needy groan, as I wrapped my fingers around his cock. Xaden finally being naked too, and feeling all of him pressing against my body.

There was a brief conversation, him asking me whether this was really okay, what I wanted. I don’t think either of us was sober enough to meaningfully consent anymore, but it was what I wanted, even long before I drank the first sip yesterday. But him asking anyway was sweet.

I remember struggling with condoms for a moment; I brought a few but couldn’t remember where I left my purse, but Xaden had some, too, thankfully. And I remember asking him to be gentle as it’s been a while for me. Eight months, to be precise, and that was—

No, I don’t want to think about that, about Dain, not ever again.

Instead, I think again about how devastatingly perfect Xaden felt inside me, addictive almost. I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of that, of him. How we slowly rocked against each other, kissing, moaning, moving faster, chasing that edge while also dragging it out. How he lifted my legs higher, over his arms, how that new angle hit that perfect spot and made me lose it.

After that, my memories grow even hazier still. There are glimpses and impressions, of him kneeling behind me and me screaming into his pillows. And of me sitting on top of him, riding him slowly and getting even more drunk, on the feeling of his cock moving inside me and on the desire burning in his eyes alike. Of the lazy sleepy morning sex we had less than an hour ago.

Gods, I loved every moment of it.

Even now, I am acutely aware of the sound of running water coming from his bathroom, of him being naked beneath the shower, and I’m contemplating joining him for yet another round. It’s so tempting, even with how sore my body already feels. I just can’t get enough.

But I’ll be good. Patient. There will be other times, maybe later today or maybe on another day. Because there will be other days.

A smile spreads across my face, and despite my thoughts from only seconds ago, it has nothing to do with sex but everything to do with him. After two months of dating without dating, of just getting to know each other on this weird twisted level, intimately learning private details within the frame of professionalism, we’re now free to… to do whatever we want. I can’t wait.

For a few more minutes, I sit there, drinking my coffee and following my random thoughts, until the water stops and not much later, Xaden emerges from the bathroom. He’s only wearing a towel wrapped around his hips, his hair still glistening with drops of water, and letting out an appreciative hum, I shamelessly look him over, the miles and miles of warm tawny skin, most of it covered in ink.

There are the whorls of black on his left arm, looking almost like creeping shadows, and what’s made to look like his skin got torn off in big parts on the right arm, revealing navy blue dragon scales beneath. His chest is covered by an artistic rendering of a sword, so beautiful. And then there’s a whole dragon on his back, its wings reaching from shoulder to shoulder, and all around it countless lines of… I’m not entirely sure. They look like writing, but the letters were too small for me to see them clearly in the dim light last night. I’ll probably wait until he tells me about those, too.

“See something you like?” Xaden smirks, leaning over the corner of the table to kiss me.

I hum against his lips, marvelling about the simplicity of this moment. How natural it feels. “Maybe?” I tease, my hand splayed against his muscled abdomen.

“Good.” His eyes gleam in a way that tells me he wouldn’t be against another round, either. “Because, same.” His gaze drops down to where I’m wearing one of his shirts—and only that. My clothes from last night are entirely unusable, after all. Thankfully, his shirt is so big on me. Honestly, I’ve worn dresses that covered less of my legs than this shirt.

I squirm beneath his gaze, only moments away from dragging him back to his bed—or maybe just down on top of me on this bench—when I hear the footsteps and rustling of clothes.

“Morning Violet,” comes Liam’s sleep-heavy voice from the other side of the large room. Then a wide grin spreads across his face. “So it really was your voice I heard last night. Good to see you here again.”

[mariaofdoranelle]

Look at Us Now — Ch. 4

Fic Masterlist

I couldn’t wait until Thursday to post under a prompt for Aelin Week, so be ready for a surprise by then hehe

P.S. this chapter is my baby be nice to it

Edit: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THIS HELLSITE ILY @aelinchocolatelover [plays parabéns da xuxa softly in the background] ❤️💛💕💓❤️

Warnings: light NSFW, language, swords, let me know if I missed something

Word count: 6,1k (Oops!… I did it again)

The only sound Aelin could hear was their heavy breaths and the AC running.

Rowan was draped over the couch by her side, head tilted up and naked as the day he was born. The way his pecs flexed and glistened because of his post-orgasm heavy breathing and sweat was absolutely maddening.

Aelin’s fingertips were about to become calloused from the amount of times she ran them over his rock-hard abs.

It became a routine, pretending she was leaving base like everyone else at the end of the day, then turning around when no one would notice. She didn’t know if Rowan was always waiting for her or if he just enjoyed working until late. Aelin didn’t care. What mattered is that he was always at his office right after her classes were done, and she would always take advantage of it.

Aelin darted a glance at the watch Rowan kept on his wall. It was almost 11 pm.

She should’ve gone home to rest after having classes until nine, but Aelin was attached to this office like a magnet. Or to the man who stayed here. Rowan always had her so lost in his current Aelin often forgot she has a boyfriend waiting for her most days. Dorian didn’t seem to mind, though. With them having an open relationship, he was never lonely.

Around the third time Aelin came to Rowan’s office, there was a drawer with a lock and condoms inside. A short while after, he brought a small, but extra comfy couch, perfect for a post-orgasmic haze.

Aelin didn’t mind having sex on desks and walls for 10 weeks if it was with Rowan, but she liked this additional little touch.

It would be still the best sex she’s ever had, Aelin thought.

She hummed in delight, thinking about the way he tore her apart minutes ago in this couch.

Rowan lazily turned his head, making his gaze fall on her. What’re you thinking? His curious green eyes seemed to ask her.

“We still have time for a round three.”

He chuckled. “Insatiable.”

That single word sent a spark through her spine. Aelin had never been shy in bed, but things with Rowan were different. More intense. Something about him made her absolutely unleashed between these four walls, like wind spreading a wildfire.

They didn’t talk much, though. Too hungry for each other in the beginning and too tired from the day in the end, the only time they’d talk was between rounds.

“You’re not gonna wish me good luck?”

Every recruit needs to do a physical test by the end of their basic training, and Aelin’s would be tomorrow morning.

“You don’t need it.”

She grinned. “Because you trained me so well?”

Rowan did that thing where he tried not to smile, but the left corner of his lip tilted up anyway. “I think that goes without saying.”

“I disagree.” Aelin bit her lip, eyes full of mischief.

“Is that so?”

She nodded. “I need more cardio.”

Rowan said nothing, but his eyes sparkled with the challenge. He got up from the couch, then laid on the ground for a second before bending his knees and elbows to raise his shoulders and hips.

In less than 10 seconds, the bastard got into a perfect yoga wheel pose.

“Show off,” Aelin grunted. His grin was so smug she wanted to punch it.

“Hop on.”

Aelin’s eyes widened. “You want me to ride your dick like this?”

“You said you needed cardio.”

The squat work she’d have to do fuck him like this. With nothing around for her to support herself. After fourteen hours of boot camp and two orgasms.

“Absolutely not!” She shrieked.

One look at her face was enough for Rowan to chuckle, the echos of his amusement not stopping while he smoothly landed on the floor.

Aelin’s shoulders relaxed in relief, but something dawned on her. Was Rowan Whitethorn teasing her?

“Not funny.” She crossed her arms. “Get back here. And stop showing off. You’re not even the yoga type!’”

“That’s prejudiced. Why am I not the yoga type?”

She squinted her eyes at him, but the bastard was still grinning. He knew she thought he wasn’t the yoga type because he’s a burly brute.

He shrugged and sat back on the couch by her side. “I go to a class on Sunday mornings. My roommate joins me when he’s not too hangover.”

I could go with you. The words were in the tip of her tongue, but Aelin held back.

She knew her place in a man’s life after fucking for 10 weeks without even being asked on a date. And she was happy with it. Rowan was an incredible fuck buddy, and she had a boyfriend already to take to yoga classes. But like Rowan’s roommate, she didn’t know if Dorian could stay a single Sunday morning without being hangover, either. Or still at a party.

Who liked yoga, anyway?

Trying to erase her own thoughts, Aelin turned to straddle Rowan in one swift motion. She did her best to not let her self-consciousness show. She had been exercising like crazy, but didn’t seem to lose any weight. In fact, she’s been feeling bloated for a while now.

Fuck, Aelin really needed to stop thinking.

Rowan began trailing kissed down her neck, making her softly moan and search with her hips for his hardened bulge.

“I want to fuck you here. No yoga shit.”

Aelin didn’t see it coming, his hand slapping her ass so hard it sent shivers through her body. The hand on her hair slid to her throat, gently squeezing it again when he commanded, “You take what I give you, and you’ll like it. You hear me?”

“Yes, sir,” Aelin whimpered, and then moaned when he slid his cock between her folds to press against her clit.

It was so good it could be a crime, the way Rowan made her feel. How he knew exactly what to say in bed and every trick to make her scream.

Right now, this was exactly what she needed.

˜˜

Aelin kept telling herself that today’s test was a given, and that she could endure worse than this. Dorian kept telling her that it’s okay to be and act nervous before her test.

Truth was, fighting him and insisting she wasn’t edgy was very effective at distracting her from the real thing. Now that her boyfriend was waiting outside while she waited for her second physical test in the Air Force, it felt a lot more real.

It consisted of two parts, some bureaucratic blood tests and tox screens and then being cleared to do the actual test.

Aelin was on a row with the other people from her class, entering the room where it was going to happen, when someone stopped her.

“Wait there. Galathynius, right?” The flat and rough voice came from Captain Salvaterre, the coordinator of her program. He frowned at the clipboard and wrote something down before looking back at her. “You’re not cleared to do the physical test. You’ll get more info via email later.”

Aelin didn’t move. Eyes widened, mind blank. What the fuck just happened?

“Bye, Galathynius,” Salvaterre dismissed her.

“Wait,” Aelin blurted, mind still short-circuiting. “What happened?”

“I don’t know. Don’t care either. The doctor didn’t clear you to do the exam, and now you’re holding up the line.”

Her eyebrows squished together. Why would the doctor do that? “Can I at least talk to them?”

“Look, I won’t let you bother the doctor just because you smoked some weed or whatever and got caught.”

“Excuse me?” Aelin hissed.

Salvaterre sighed. “Most people that fail this step do it because of the tox screen. I don’t give a fuck about what you do on your free time, just don’t bother the doctor over this shit. It’s done.”

“What? I don’t do drugs!”

He didn’t look convinced.

“I mean it.” Aelin raised an eyebrow. “I could be dying. I could die right now without knowing what’s wrong.”

Salvaterre rolled his eyes. “Fine.”

She followed his instructions to where to find the doctor, her mind racing all the time. Since it was their mistake, maybe she could reschedule the test. Sure, Aelin had been feeling tired and drained all the time, but it was because of her exhausting training. Apart from that, she knew she was on her prime. This was surely a mistake.

Aelin knocked three times at the door and went inside before the doctor could tell her to come in. If she did it fast enough, maybe there could be time for her to rejoin her class and do the test.

The doctor was a kind-looking older woman. Files, probably everyone’s exams surrounded her, but she looked calm in the middle of that chaos.

“Oh, hello, there!” She grinned. “How can I help you?”

She shook the doctor’s hand and rushed to sit on the chair in front of her. “Hi. My name’s Aelin Galathynius. I didn’t get cleared to do the physical test, so—“

“I’m on it.” She quickly found Aelin’s file and smiled when she opened it.

Aelin frowned. What was she smiling at?

”I couldn’t let you go in there, dear,” the doctor explained, “These tests are ruthless, especially when you’re new. All your exams look great, but it’s too physically straining and risky for any pregnant woman.“ She smiled. “Congratulations, by the way.”

“Wait. No. I’m going there. What in—“

Wait a fucking minute

Did she say pregnant?

Aelin cleared her throat. “There must be something wrong. You’re sure this exam isn’t someone else’s?”

The woman handed her the paper, jaw dropped. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know—“

“Holy shit,” Aelin interrupted, not really caring about anything else right now. Too stunned to remember that she was cursing at her soon-to-be workplace.

Her eyes were frozen on the same few lines.

PATIENT: AELIN ASHRYVER GALATHYNIUS

BETA HCG QUANTITATIVE

TEST VALUE: 91350 mIU/mL

P.S. POSITIVE

What the actual fuck?

Aelin just stared with a slack jaw, eyes glued to the paper.

Dorian had a vasectomy, and she only had unprotected sex once this year. Way more than once actually, but all on the same evening. Does Rowan have a vasectomy? Is he the vasectomy type?

For the first time of her life, Aelin cursed herself for not keeping good track of her period. She just marked the first day she bled on the app and forgot it existed until the next month.

Aelin snatched her phone from the purse, frantically opening the period app.

She felt the ground falling underneath her feet.

There were signs everywhere telling her period was late. Months late. The most neglected app on her phone had been trying to tell her the most important thing of her life for months.

Aelin sighed and held her head in her hands, trying to make sense of something she already knew was true. Her last period had been almost three months ago, a little before her unprotected sex with Rowan, at the very beginning of her training.

She cursed math for never lying.

Getting up, Aelin snapped a picture of the exam and gave it back to the doctor, mumbling a thick “Thanks, good morning.”

She walked that familiar path with no destination in mind. Aelin had nowhere to go now that she wasn’t doing the test. She tried to process this, but wasn’t processing nothing at all.

She was pregnant. Baby. Diapers. Cries. Big, big belly. Milk. Milk and money, actually. Babies required milk as much as they required money.

Money wasn’t an issue. At least Aelin was a doctor.

If she was keeping the baby, Aelin thought, but soon brushed it off. She wanted this. Twenty-seven isn’t too young to be a mom, right?

Fuck, she’s going to be a mom. No, not fuck. Good. This was good news. Scary too.

She also needed to move out. Uncle Orlon and Darrow never wanted kids, raising her and Aedion after Aelin’s parents died was enough on them. She didn’t want her kid to be a burden.

Her and Rowan’s. Way to go, being knocked up by a brute she barely knew.

Rowan did not look like the nurturing dad type, at least not by the way he acted around his students. Aelin cringed. Would he be too hard on her kid?

If he wanted the kid, she couldn’t forget. There was a good chance he won’t want the baby, considering that: (a) he’s a man, (b) their history, or lack thereof.

A hand wrapped around her elbow, making her jerk and go stiff.

It was just Dorian, though. Looking around, it looked like her aimless wandering led her to the room she left him in.

“That was quick,” her boyfriend said. “How was it?”

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“We need to talk,” Aelin blurted.

She pulled a confused-looking Dorian to his car until they were seated with the doors closed. She showed him the picture of the exam and waited for his answer. And waited. And waited until she was wriggling in her seat, trying to get a better look at his dumbfounded face.

“Wow,” he breathed, and turned to face her. “What are we doing about this?”

We.

That word alone almost broke her heart.

“You know it’s not yours, Dor.”

“It’s Hot Lieutenant’s?”

Aelin nodded.

He had a small, sad smile on his face. “But we’re a team, remember?”

She swallowed, chest constricting. God, this was hard. Aelin already knew what she had to do, but it didn’t make it any easy.

“We are, but this isn’t a quick fix. It’d mean no quiet time, no free time, vomit all over your expensive furniture…”

Dorian took a deep breath. “You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?”

Aelin nodded, clamping her lips together. “You don’t want to change your entire lifestyle for a kid that isn’t even yours, Dor.”

He didn’t answer. Just nodded, resigned. They knew they weren’t the one for each other, but that didn’t mean they wanted to break up now. The situation required, though. Aelin’s relationship with Dorian was based on fun and friendship, and throwing a baby in the mix wasn’t a good fit. Besides, he didn’t want a kid. He has a vasectomy for a reason.

Dorian cradled her face with both hands, looking her deep into her eyes. “I might not be your baby daddy, but I’m going to be the best damn uncle this kid will ever have, okay? I promise.” He brushed off a few rogue tears from her face. ”I love you, Aelin. Whatever happens, you’re not alone.”

Her hands wrapped around his torso, not caring that she was dampening his designer shirt with tears. “I love you, Your Magnanimous Holiness.” She felt his chest faintly shake with what would’ve been a full laugh any other time. “You’re still my best friend.”

Dorian kissed the crown of her head. “I better be. You’ll always be my best friend, Ace.”

They stayed a long time like this, Aelin taking deep breaths while he hugged her and played with her hair. It was nice, even with the bittersweet mood that lingered.

˜˜

Aelin woke up at her actual house this Saturday morning, which was odd. She usually spent weekends at Dorian’s, and even if they decided to stay friends after the breakup, she needed time alone to think.

She was pregnant.

Her first trimester flew by, and she had missed every single sign of it. Sure, she was feeling tired and had some cramps, but these were a few of the things she was shrugging off and assuming it meant something else. But Aelin knew better now.

She had so much to figure out it was making her dizzy, so her only goal this weekend was to not freak out completely.

One thing at a time, like her old therapist taught her.

On Monday, she’d make an appointment at the OBGYN and tell Rowan. Just find him on base during lunch or after work and rip the band-aid off, no expectations.

Aelin was giving her damn best to calm her heartbeat and not think about what would happen after that.

The smell of barbecue dragged Aelin out of her room, and hopefully it’d be a good distraction from all this.

Everyone was chatting in the backyard. She didn’t know when Aedion got here, but he was sitting with Uncle Orlon and Philippa, the housekeeper, while Darrow manned the grill.

Her heart squeezed to see her family like this. She wondered how much it’d change, after Little One was here.

“There she is!” Aedion beamed. “I thought I’d only see you at dinnertime, Ace.”

“Overslept.” She shrugged, feeling her stomach getting queasy just to think of the reason she stayed in bed more than usual.

“Is Dorian coming today?” Philippa asked. “I made that berry pie he likes.”

Aelin swallowed. It’d be easier to get this over with, so she took a deep breath to calm her nerves and announced, “Dorian and I broke up.”

The uncomfortable silence and everyone looking at each other without knowing what to say didn’t last long.

“Oh, thank God.” Uncle Orlon’s shoulders dropped and he sighed in relief. Aelin gaped, mind blank for a second. When he read her expression, he continued, “What? I like the kid, but he’s too unserious for you, Fireheart.”

She sagged back in her chair. Aelin wanted to argue, but her uncle was right. She always knew Dorian wasn’t the one, even if she enjoyed their relationship.

“What did he do?” Aedion snarled, arms crossed while he carefully studied his cousin.

“He didn’t do anything.” Aelin took a deep breath, steeling herself for what she was about to drop. “We broke up because I’m pregnant.”

The only sound was her cousin squeezing his beer can with his hand until it was completely crushed, its contents spilling onto the table.

“He did what?” Aedion hissed through his teeth, and it was only then that she noticed everyone was intently looking at her, their faces somewhere between concern and something murderous.

Oh, fuck. Aelin really had a way of putting her foot in her mouth sometimes, didn’t she?

���It’s not his!” She blurted before anyone started overreacting. “Dorian’s not the father.”

“Oh, honey.” Philippa’s eyes were soft, understanding. “Did you cheat on him?”

“No. Hmm.” Aelin scratched the back of her head, feeling her whole face flush. God, this wasn’t a conversation she’d like to have in a room full of old people. “We weren’t exclusive. We could see other people while dating each other.”

Aedion didn’t seem impressed, but Orlon’s eyes were bulging out. Darrow was carefully silent.

“Is it a new kink?” Philipps wrinkled her nose. “Being cheated on.”

“It’s not like that!” Aelin groaned while holding her face with both hands.

“Honey…” Orlon took her hand, brows furrowed with concern while he struggled to say whatever he was thinking. “Do you at least know who the father is?”

“Of course I do!” She blurted, cheeks flaming as she dropped his hand. Aelin wasn’t easily embarrassed, but discussing her sex life with her great-uncle was not on her bucket list.

Everyone was silent, waiting for her to drop this piece of information.

“I haven’t told him yet. I’m not sure you know him, but promise you won’t say anything?”

Everyone nodded. She took a deep breath.

“It’s Lieutenant Whitethorn.”

“WHITETHORN?” Darrow screeched. “ROWAN WHITETHORN?”

Aelin froze. They did know him, after all.

Darrow ran inside the house and Orlon went after him, always the peacemaker. All things considered, she was thankful they didn’t have any guns, even though they could for being in the military.

“At least he’s hot,” Aedion acknowledged around a bite of garlic bread after a small stretch of silence.

Aelin groaned. “You know him too?”

“We did basic training together, and I think he went to Darrow’s section right after. Cool dude.”

“You’re not mad?” She eyed him warily.

“I’m happy for you, Ace. I will go for his head depending on what he says to you, though.” Aelin snorted. That sounded like her cousin. He continued, “But I need a cute niece or nephew to impress the ladies.”

“You are not using my kid to pick up women.”

“Not any women.” He leaned back, a lazy grin on his face. “MILFs.”

Aelin was about to say something about how disgusting her cousin was when a loud noise interrupted them.

Through the window, she could see Darrow holding a sword the military required them to have for some special ceremonies. Orlon was holding his own by the door, probably telling his husband to not threaten Rowan with it.

Considering that Rowan most likely also had a sword and definitely lived somewhere in this same village, she wouldn’t put past Darrow to find him and actually start a sword fight.

Aelin got up from her chair, ready to stop this nonsense. That’s the problem with her family, it’s full of overprotective men. They even have the medieval weapons, for Mala’s sake.

˜˜

Aelin clicked on the side button of her phone just once, to stop ringing.

“Do you want to take it? I can come back in a few,” The waitress asked.

“No need. I’ll have two of today’s specials, a diet coke and a non-alcoholic beer, please.” Aelin forced a smile.

On the table, her phone still showed a picture of Rowan and their daughter together, their smiles so big it was almost blinding. On the bottom of the screen, the choice to still take the call or refuse it altogether.

When it went off and he didn’t call again, Aelin let out a long breath.

Her relationship with Rowan got a lot more pacific after his trip to the hospital. It lasted less than two days.

Something eased inside Aelin’s chest when her cousin stomped inside the restaurant while looking for her. Aedion had many skills, but he had never been exactly a graceful person, Aelin mused with a small smile when he accidentally bumped his hip against one table.

They were on their lunch break, and while meeting at the restaurant nearby was nice, doing it for the third time this week was not in Aelin’s plans. At least not when she could eat for free at the Air Force’s mess hall.

But she would never deny lunch to her hurting cousin. Besides, Elide texted her saying they were serving fish today, and it wasn’t good. The food at the mess hall was a box full of surprises. It could be anywhere between unbelievably good and absolute shit.

“I see you’re still avoiding Kyllian,” she prompted.

Aedion didn’t answer, and he was saved by the waitress coming with their drinks. He and his now ex-boyfriend had been on a rough patch these last few months, and Kyllian being called upon to relocate to Mistward was their last straw. Apparently, Aelin would be helping her cousin avoid his ex at base until he moved.

“Seriously, Ace? This tastes like shit.” Aedion grimaced at his non-alcoholic beer.

“I’m not letting you get back at work drunk. And it’s on me today.” Aelin eyed her cousin warily. “Only because you look terrible.”

That damn ringtone started playing again. Her phone was on the table, so both Ashryver cousins stared at the picture of Rowan and Maisie. She pressed the side button again.

“You’re not gonna answer that?” Aedion asked.

Aelin squared her shoulders. “I’m already answering that, by silently telling him to give me space and respect my boundaries.”

“It could be important.”

“It’s really not.”

Aedion rolled his eyes and swiftly snatched her phone from the table. “Hey, man. What’s up?”

He hummed and nodded for a few seconds, then turned to Aelin. “Rowan wants to know what you packed for Maisie’s lunch today. He called in the morning to remind you she had a tummy ache yesterday, but you didn’t answer.”

Aelin ground her teeth together. Like she wouldn’t remember her own daughter was sick. What kind of mom did he think she was?

“Tell him to fuck off,” Aelin spit out.

Aedion sighed. “She told you to fuck off, man.”

Her cousin hummed again, then his eyes lit up and he perked up. “That’s so cool! Wait a second.”

He asked Aelin, “Did you read his texts about soccer classes?”

She gripped her diet coke with a little too much force, trying not to snap at her cousin. Aedion winced before Aelin even opened her mouth, reading her too well.

“I don’t think she wants to talk to you right now, man.” A pause. “Speaking about soccer, do you wanna watch the game on Sunday?” Aedion frowned and leaned back on the chair. “Come on, man, you have to. You know I’m on a post-breakup slump.”

Whatever Rowan told him made Aedion gape. He turned to Aelin. “You didn’t tell him Kyllian and I broke up?”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m not friends with Rowan, Aed. We only talk about Maisie.”

Aedion sighed, said goodbye and promised to text him about Sunday’s game.

After he gave her the phone back, her cousin said, “I don’t know what happens between you and Rowan that makes your relationship so bad.”

Aelin ground her teeth together, refusing to answer.

He wouldn’t have it, though. “He’s a good man. An even better dad. Your family loves him. For someone who got pregnant out of a hookup, you did pretty great, Ace.”

“Can we change the subject?”

He drew in a long breath and let it go. Anyone close to her knew The Rowan Conversation was absolutely fruitless.

“I vote for soccer.”

Oh, great. He stopped talking about her least favorite subject of all time, introducing this week’s least favorite subject.

“Thank God you’re not her parent, then.”

”Ouch.” Aedion held a hand against his chest in mock-offense. “I’ll be a great dad.”

She snorted. “You’ll be a pain in your kids’ ass.”

“Take it back!” He exclaimed, gaping.

“Don’t you dare forget how you scared away every boyfriend I had in high school!”

“I was saving your sorry ass from those assholes, that is.”

This time, Aelin gave him a full laugh. She was kind of a dipshit magnet during her teenage years, her cousin wasn’t completely wrong about that.

He continued, “I think Rowan is the only guy you dated that I actually like.” Well, that was a way to sober up the nice mood she just got in. Aelin glared at her cousin. Knowing what she was about to say, Aedion rolled his eyes and held his hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay, you two never dated. Whatever helps you sleep at night.” A pause. “I promise I’ll drop this, but I’m curious. Is there anything wrong with soccer practice, or you’re just picking a fight?”

“I don’t pick fights for no reason.”

Aedion raised an eyebrow. She frowned at him.

She did not. All of her fights with Rowan were absolutely unavoidable.

Aelin shrugged. “Soccer’s lame.”

“Stop lying.”

“I’m not.”

“You’re not crazy about it, but you like soccer.”

Aelin wanted to punch that know-it-all expression out of his face.

He didn’t move, waiting for her answer.

She squinted her eyes at him.

He looked absolutely unimpressed, keeping eye contact until he won that battle of wills.

“Fine,” Aelin grumbled as she roller her eyes and sagged in her seat.

“And?”

“I’m too cool to be a soccer mom.”

Aedion barked a laugh, head tilted up before he looked her in the eye again. “You’re joking, right?”

“I’m really not. Have you seen those soccer mom tiktoks?” This wasn’t nearly as funny as her cousin thought.

“You’re okay with putting your body through excruciating pain and cleaning explosive diarrhea, but you draw the line at becoming a soccer mom?”

“Yes.”

He guffawed again, now drawing the attention of the people from the surrounding tables. Aelin just sat there, trying not to smile at her cousin’s dramatic reaction and waiting for him to come back.

Her grin widened when the waitress came with their lunch before she got hangry. Aedion could be absolutely insufferable sometimes, but he deserved good company.

Aelin cleared her throat. “Did you buy a new washing machine?”

His broke down this week, and Philippa kept complaining about Aedion’s lack of laundry skills over and over after the one time he washed his clothes at Orlon’s, two days ago.

“Nope, I’m trying to fix it again tomorrow.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Like when you ‘fixed’ your ceiling fan and now it only works with the lights on?”

He stuffed his mouth with food and refused to answer.

Aelin continued, “You need to stop finding random things in your house to fix and find another boyfriend. Or girlfriend, whatever. You’re pathetic when you’re single.”

“YoU’rE pATHeThIc wHeN yOu’RE sinGLe,” Aedion mimicked with a high-pitched voice.

She rolled her eyes and set an alarm for when her lunchtime would need to end. It might be an Ashryver thing, but it was really easy to lose track of time when she had so many things to bicker about with her cousin.

˜˜

The floor was so shiny Aelin could barely believe most of the people inside this building were kids.

It better be, she thought when she remembered the price tag that came with it. Maisie better go straight to college after finishing preschool, because it was really hard to believe Aelin and Rowan were paying that much for their kid to learn letters and count to 20.

She took a deep breath. Aelin would pay as much as she could if it meant her daughter wouldn’t be yelled at. This was better than the Air Force school, even if was a much longer drive from home.

After last week’s incident, Uncle Orlon told them to file a formal complaint and let him deal with the rest. By the look on his face, Lieutenant Valg would not go unpunished, and this was enough. Aelin couldn’t do anything more without facing consequences because of her rank, so now she wanted to focus on the present. Which now meant Maisie’s teacher, that she was about to meet.

She heard hurried footsteps on one side of the hall and thanked Mala it was Rowan.

He ran a hand through his hair. “I’m not too late, am I?”

Her eyes zeroed on what he was wearing, though.

“Seriously? You didn’t even change out of the uniform?”

“I don’t have a whole team of co-workers ready to cover for me,” Rowan sneered.

Yes, he did. He swapped schedules with Fenrys all the time.

Aelin rolled her eyes. “It’s not like your job is hard.”

“Excuse me?” He snarled.

“And you don’t even do it well! There’s so many ways to torture a eighteen-year-old, and you choose push-ups? Seriously?”

They heard a loud throat clearing and whipped towards the sound. It was a brunette holding a binder, wearing a long dress and sneakers.

“You’re Maisie’s parents, right?” She shook both of their hands. “I’m Borte Arcas, her teacher.”

It was like Aelin’s whole face was lighting on fire. Of all the ways this introduction could’ve gone, being caught mid-fight was not one she hoped for.

They didn’t get the chance to properly meet the teacher the day they enrolled Maisie here, this Monday, because her daughter was only supposed to get to know the school. But when Mais saw her cousin through the class’ window, she walked in without asking and decided she was staying. Just like that. Later that day, the teacher sent an email introducing herself, leaving her phone number if they needed anything, and inviting both of them to meet on Friday, after she got to know Maisie a little better.

And there they were, sitting side by side in a large office while Ms. Arcas turned the AC on in front of them.

“Do you need anything?” She asked. “Water, coffee, cappuccino…”

“A cappuccino would be great.” Aelin gave her a small smile.

The teacher turned to Rowan. “You?”

“Just water, thanks.”

After everything was settled, Ms. Arcas spent some time getting to know them before discussing Maisie. She was getting more comfortable with the class each day, loved story time, took part in group games. It was good for the ego, hearing the teacher talk about her daughter this way. Not that Aelin didn’t know already that her daughter is awesome, but her chest was bursting with pride right now.

Mais was only a little behind on reading compared to her classmates, but Ms. Arcas said this isn’t a big concern yet because every kid has their own timing.

She closed the binder with Maisie’s info. “There’s only two more things I wanted to discuss...” she bit her lip. “This week, during one activity, Maisie said that her favorite drink is wine.”

“What?” Aelin blurted, feeling her cheeks redden and Rowan’s shocked gaze on her. “It’s not! It’s…” one deep, long breath followed by a nervous smile. She was going to kill her daughter.

“Sometimes Maisie sees me drinking wine. Not every day, and not too much, really. Just a glass.” She grimaced. “Maybe two. Anyway.”

Aelin scratched the back of her head, wondering if she was digging a hole for herself. She didn’t care about what people thought of her wine habits, but wanted to make a good impression on Maisie’s teacher.

She continued, “Sometimes she asks to drink too, it ends with huge meltdown, so one day I gave her grape juice and told her it’s wine. She loves it. We sip together.”

Rowan’s head whipped towards her, eyes wide. “You lie to her?”

“You give her fruit and tell it’s dessert,” Aelin argued.

The teacher cleared her throat again. Loudly.

“Sorry,” they mumbled under their breaths.

Ms. Arcas looked at her watch. “I just need her to not influence other kids to drink ‘wine’. The last thing I wanted to talk about before we wrap this up…” she took some sheets of paper from the binder and spread them on the desk between them.

“Maisie seems pretty fond of drawing.”

“Especially on my walls,” Rowan said between a small smile. 

The teacher nodded. “Have you tried to analyze them?”

Aelin frowned. “We do that thing where we comment on them so she feels seen.”

“That’s really good.” Ms. Arcas nodded, brows furrowed. “But some drawing of her really brought to my attention—”

“Is this her riding a dog?” Aelin took one sheet of paper from the table to examine it closer.

Rowan scooted closer, frowning. “I think it’s a unicorn. Look at the horn.”

Aelin sighed affectionately, heart warming just to see her daughter’s drawing. “She does have an artist’s soul, doesn’t she?”

Rowan smiled. “She’s a little Picasso.”

Ms. Arcas watched their interruption with a polite smile before continuing, “You know, kids draw about what they see, so sometimes the drawings tell us a lot about what’s going on inside their heads. So I brought these she made this week…” the teacher reorganized the drawings, placing most of them back in a pile and putting another few in evidence.

“These are…” Aelin tilted her head. The sticky figures looked a bit scary in them, but she couldn’t quite place what was wrong with them.

“Every time Maisie draws you two together, you seem angry. This one, for example,” Ms. Arcas explained while showing them, “You both have your mouths open, hands up. And do you see how big you two look? You’re taking most of the page, while Maisie herself looks very tiny here in the corner.” 

Aelin felt like time stopped, her entire world freezing and narrowing down to that drawing.

It couldn’t be.

Maisie knew that she and Rowan weren’t friends, but she wouldn’t have picked up that much, right?

“As you can see, this hostile environment is a recurrent theme. I talked about it with Maisie, though is not uncommon to see kids drawing such things,“ the teacher went on, “But I think this might be a reason to that delay in her reading skills we talked about.”

“You told us it’s normal,” Aelin insisted, defeated yet defensive.

“It is for some kids, but it also could be related,” she softly explained.

“So, you mean…” Rowan looked down, furrowing. He rubbed his likely sweaty hands against the front of his pants before looking back at the teacher. “I’m not sure I’m following.”

She gave him a weak smile before confirming, “I’m just letting you know that Maisie is aware of your hostility towards each other, and it may be affecting her performance at school.”

TAG LIST

@aelinchocolatelover

@autumnbabylon

@bookcide

@cookiemonsterwholovesbooks

@courtofjurdan

@dreamer-133

@elentiyawhitethorn

@elizarikaallen

@fangirlprincess09

@goddess-aelin

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@swankii-art-teacher

@s-uppertime

@thegreyj

@violet-mermaid7

@wishfulimaginings

[eudaemon-m]

Okay anyway. Enough fandom yelling Lemme be real for a second!! This year was the fucking worst in my life and I barely got through my thesis and I hit a terrible low point at the start of December and god I was miserable. And then I kinda just pulled myself out of it and Suddenly life started going my way and I've reconnected with the friends I haven't talked to in months and they dont hate me and they say oh we missed you so much and greet me and ive found the zest for life i forgot was there and I feel like I could climb every mountain. and maybe I can just try and get there and rn I'm with my friends singing and celebrating and I feel so happy and like yea. Yea I wrote a cringe sentimental post on tumblr and maybe made myself cry oops!!!!! Whatevet no ine reads this shit!!!!!!@! but I'm just so happy to be alive and to be here and for the first time in my life I feel alive and myself and I never ever want to forget that feeling and I know I won't always feel this way but I want it to be there to remind me that it does in fact. get better. Happy new year!!!!!

[infernaltenor]

maybe im just a super salty person bc its 5am and im Still not sleepingn and Still thinking about it but i cant help but feel that qtubbo fans are some of the most hypocritial people ive ever seen. this is like. full of generalizations and just observations ive made as a crow and im. typically defensive and salty so im gonna try to be objective but at the very least im not trying to neg on the characters or the ccs, since im directing this towards the fans. its also like a solid two months of build up .so. oops?

but uh. how to start explaining this. well for one im taking this as a recent fan who is a phil watcher pretty much only. but i tend to chronically read posts about other characters since when im into things i like to be informed on all cases (idk constant instinct i have lol). like i said im gonna focus on qtubbo here, if i go into qphil stuff its purely as a comparison point. i cant speak much on interactions with other fanbases since i simply am Not informed enough but yknow.

for one, i think both tubbo and phil ahve similar things when remembering lore that is Not their own. not a neg on either one, since i dont expect them to remember it, but both have forgotten major stuff recently, ie. fred's kidnapping (phil) and the birdhouse (tubbo). both things happened before purgatoryand the subsequent forgetting happened after so even in character it makes sense (they had more to worry about), but i also think reactions in character tends to fuck with audience perception. ie, tubbos very visceral reaction to the ill timed fred joke phil had made (and it was ill timed, and thats all that i feel was criminal about it. tubbo and phils friendship is very much based on banter and friendly barbs, lots of teasing from either side. phil simply shot back on a smilar level as tubbo had originally, making his joke about "phil and who?". other people have spoken on that so im not gonna rehash about whos comment was worse, since imo they were both just shy of being insensitive, had tubbo not been dealing with freds presumed death at the time. im not gonna talk about the funeral, becasue if i do i'll get mad.). likewise, when tubbo forgot birdhouse phils reaction was much less outwards. he just said a birdhouse wouldnt be slaying- given the imprisionment he had, it makes sense that phil would associate it negatively, especially since it catalzyed all of his future derealization episodes. both of these are simply ooc things imo, from their original standpoint. i dont think either is in the wrong for forgetting. but what annoys me is the fandom perception.

this is a problem im going to link back heavily to purgatory. im not sure if it was present beforehand, as i only really got into qsmp the last two-three weeks in october (bad timing) and had only really been watching vods in order to catch up. that being said, i think the bolas and soulfire rivalry had widened the gap between the fans, which in turn affects negative perception. later weeks in november had full bad faith interpretations of phil because he was critical of tubbos choices or simply didnt understand sunnys character perfectly. and there were. a lot of those. purgatory had happened just a few weeks prior, so i liken it to that. maybe it is just my expierence, but the phrasing of a lot of character crit and analysis between the two has wildly different interpretations of a character (to wildly different results)

you can get qphil fans explaining against a bad faith interpretaiton, and people will (and have) called them excuses to defend against character analysis. i have noticed, however, when qtubbo fans do the same thing (and they have) it seems to be more of a matter of adding context to the conversation. thats.... exactly what qphil fans are doing however? when talking critically about qtubbo not communicating with other parents and friends both his and sunny insecurities, its all that hes younger and in a bad mental state. but you have something about phil not understanding sunnys character perfectly, and hes a cruel stepmother and such; and when an explanation is added to why hes not a bad father nor a good father, just an imperfect one trying his best, its simply a "mindless defense against a crit of his character". are these not the same things? providing context to a percieved bad faith interpretation? idk. i cant tell if its the age or the percieved roles theyre supposed to take, but why is tubbo allowed to be imperfect and doused in outward angst, especially when interacting with other characters (ramon had to take the initiative to communicate with tubbo. and yet. age age age.) phils just as complex and imperfect and unwell. all of qsmp is unwell. it is an explanation, not an excuse.

anyway. i think i was thinking about this because of the flightless bird/ostrich dna joke. ill timed, just like the fred one. but phils reaction speaks volumes doesnt it? if its an age one maybe he'll overdramaticize, but he laughs it off mostly. theres a lot he laughs off. he doesnt. "if your kid wasnt here id kill you". tubbo doesnt know about phils failed flight. he probably wont for a while (i cant help but think qphil is embarassed. he was knocked unconcious from hitting the water too hard. and he knows how to fly? fuck, man). i think its wild, however, that one fred joke gets the entire fanbase ready to deface and mischaracterize the whole character. but one wing joke gets maybe shocked laughter and about two posts complaining? idk. maybe im just complaining about nothing, im tired as fuck.

tldr is that tubbo fans are so wildly hypocritical that they cant see when theyre doing the same thing as everyone else. im sure im being hypocritical in this post, its human. but its annoying as fuck when its everywhere, and i think purgatory made it worse.

[crystallizedkingdoms]

The Protector

Despite his crew’s convictions, Johann is perfectly capable of being the protector, and not the protected all the time. Such a shame it took a near-death experience and hearing loss to realize that, but we’ve all been there.

wc: 1,764

The Birds in this fic: Carey and Scales (Twins), Killian (Lover), Antonia (Lonely Journal-Keeper), Rowan (Peacemaker), Hurley (Wordless One)

day 4 of @johann-appreciation-week! yayyy!! you can also read this on ao3. and thank you to @avijohann for the art! (I think I forgot to say that the past couple posts… oops)

Silver blood splatters on Johann’s face. The strange, dog-like creature writhes by his feet as the cloud of dagger slits its shadowy body into ribbons of blue and black. He makes sure every dagger cuts deep.

There’s a distant howl behind him. A haunting chorus grows, and he knows now it’s time to fucking leave. He pulls the Light of Creation closer to his body and squints through the darkness. Through the thick darkness of the forest hell the Light has taken them through, he can see the tree line now. The ship is just beyond the forest. He just needs to keep running, and he will be safe.

—

“Can all of you stop assigning me ship duty when the world is even slightly dangerous? You guys know I am just as capable as you, right?”

Johann’s six friends all shifted in their spots and eyed each other. He watched as they avoided his gaze and toyed with their respective weapons. It was Rowan who decided to speak up, with his ever-friendly voice that said, “We know that, Johann. Of course we do. But I think you can make an exception when this world is teeming with shadow demons?”

Johann crossed his arms and glared at the six of them. “Yeah, and then when the next plane has evil robots, you’ll want me to sit out too, yeah? And when the next plane has too-rough terrain? And when the next plane has rainy weather,” he said. He saw Scales and Killian rolling their eyes, but he didn’t find it in him to care. “Then I’ll just be stuck on ship duty forever. And I’m not even the pilot! Hurley is!”

—

Johann kicks the creature’s limp body to the side and weighs his options. He could just run. He’s good at that. In every world over the past two decades, all those that have perished, he’s gotten good at running from them. He even has the Light with him. Every protocol they have says he must run without looking back. And really, why shouldn’t he? This world is a fucking mess. Getting to some safety would be best.

But then he hears it. A piercing scream behind him that sends shivers down his spine. Johann turns around and sees nobody behind him and his blood boils. Didn’t fucking listen to me, he seethes. For once he tries to get them to safety, abandoning his ship duty to do so, and for what? To be the one to get the Light of Creation and still not have them listen to him? All they did was lecture him when he got there about how dangerous it was that he came with no one at the Starblaster.

If they just listened to me, if they just followed me, if they just let me take the reins to protect them—

Another scream. Sounds of a fight breaking out, of metal and flesh and teeth clashing together, fill the air. If they keep making noise, they’ll be dead for sure. These creatures have impossibly good hearing, so good it made up for their lack of eyes. Every noise they make will agitate the fight even more. If Johann runs away now, all of his friends would die in this world. They weren’t even halfway through the year.

Johann grips the Light tighter and rushes back towards his friends.

—

Antonia adjusted the quiver on back and sighed. “Johann, I don’t understand. Wouldn’t you want to be safer here? You said at the very beginning of this mission how unnecessary it was that we were bringing all our weapons here. Now you want to throw yourself to the wolves,” she said. She leaned on the rails of the Starblaster and her long purple hair blew in the wind.

Johann bit his lip hard. He looked out onto the grassy plains that Hurley landed the Starblaster on, how its silver grass shone so bright in both the day and the night. Just beyond was the tree line, a perfectly straight line of a forest that got so dark it was practically perpetually nighttime inside. “I didn’t exactly know how often these worlds would suck, you know,” he said. Bitterness laid heavy on his tongue when he spoke, and he knew Antonia could pick up on it.

“Then answer my question.”

“Because it feels like you aren’t taking me seriously,” Johann growled. “Yeah, sure, I complained about a bunch of fighters on a research expedition over two decades ago. That means I never want to fight ever and should always stick to the ship, right? That I need all of you to protect me like I’m delicate? I can protect you guys, too!”

“I…” Antonia tries to argue, but the words die on her lips. “I understand. It’s not fair to you. But… we all have our supplies packed. We’ve got a game plan. Just, um, let us get the Light this time? And I promise, for real I promise, that we can all talk about this for the rest of the year. I’ll vouch for you pretty hard! I used to go on hunts with a bard back home. She was pretty fun.”

Yeah. Fun. Johann didn’t respond. He stared into the dark wall the tree line created with an intense glare. He hoped his eyes didn’t land on his crew, who were gathered below in another spar session that he was not invited to.

—

Hey.

The shambling wisps of darkness and smoke jerk away from Antonia’s body and tilt its head around the area. Johann watches from a silvery shrub, cupping his mouth to amplify his whispers. The beast drags its pseudoclaws against the dirt and searches frantically for the source of the speaking, its eyeless face shifting and scrunching up in frustration when it can’t find the noise. Not that it will ever find it. Johann is making sure of that.

I don’t know if you understand common or not, but I’ll have you know that your lot has been kind of fucking awful to my friends lately. 

A growl almost breaks Johann’s connection. The shadowy monster snaps its teeth in the air, its noises getting progressively louder as it paces around the silver battlefield. Though it is alone, any loud noises could trigger a whole new pack to join in on the fight. He can hear Scales and Carey groaning together, and it momentarily catches the creature’s attention instead of his whispers. Shit. He can’t let that thing hear his friends, not when they’re still alive and on the ground.

Don’t you fucking dare make this harder for me—

Darkness swirls faster. The monster whirls around closer to Johann, and just when he thinks he’s been caught, he hears a scream a few steps away from him. “I can’t— no! Carey!” Killian’s voice cries out. Her voice sounds strange, strained and garbled in a way that Johann almost doesn’t recognize her. He pulls the Light of Creation close to his chest and damn near starts hugging it.

Yeah, okay, no use in this shit. Fuck off!

Johann stands up with the Light in his arms and let the full brunt of the spell snap. Blinding pain pierces through the creature’s head. Johann holds his breath and keeps his box stead. As soon as it rears his head back, its dark mouth open in excruciating pain, Johann immediately casts the Silence spell he had readied, his violin bow an impromptu wand. The monster moves to scream, a feat so taxing its body fizzles and shreds at the limbs, but not a single howl is heard. Even when it writhes and scratches at the forest floor, no pack comes rushing in to save it, and the fear kicks in. It turns and runs away Johann, blending into the darkness from whence it came. Johann can’t hear its screams when it steps out of the spell’s radius and thank fuck for that.

Johann scrambles out of the shrubbery he’s hidden in and runs towards his friends. They are scattered around, hard to see in the dark environment, but they are not too far away that he can’t see them all. He runs to the one closest to him and stares down at Killian’s body. Claw marks slash across her body and spill blood, but that’s not the concerning place where blood is spilling. Blood dribbled from her ears in a spotty stream, but it’s enough to make Johann wince.

Killian is doubled over in pain, but when she recognizes Johann in front of her, she lets out what Johann assumes is a sigh of relief. When she can’t hear her own sigh, her fingers fly up to her ears, and her eyes widen in panic. Johann’s hand frantically waves in front of her to stop her from panicking. He places a finger to his lips, then makes a sweeping gesture to illustrate the spell’s radius. Killian still looks incredibly pained, but hey, she doesn’t look so terrified anymore.

Johann motions up. Can you stand? is the question he asks.

Killian tries, trying to get herself up. Johann offers his free hand, but she initially ignores it. Her hands hover, but refuse to grab on. She loses a little balance, and without warning, Johann takes her hand and yanks her up. Just take it, holy shit. When Killian is stable on her feet (if we can even consider her state stable), she looks down at Johann with an exhausted and even slightly embarrassed look on her face. Understandable.

Johann moves to go help the others, but Killian slaps her hand on his shoulder before he can. She struggles to look him in the eye, but when she does, she pulls a weak smile. Thank you, Killian mouths. For coming. To keep us safe.

Johann takes her hand and nods. Listen next time, assholes, is all he mouths. She laughs, and he just knows if the spell wasn't up, her laugh would be loud and comforting. 

Then, he leads Killian over to the Fangbattle siblings. He watches as she fusses over them in silence, how they slowly help each other up. Johann only breaks his gaze when he goes over towards Hurley, Rowan, and Antonia, who seem worse off, but still alive. That’s all Johann can ask for.

The rush back home is disjointed and painful, but Johann saved them. He saved them. The Starblaster would have another full crew for the rest of the year. And when the crew thanks him and celebrates their near death experience, Johann smiles, knowing they are safe.