#i finished it in like an hour after doing the second cause i didnt like the second lol

[typheus]

o wait i was in a zine,,, is it zine like magazine📗 or zine like vine🌿? anyways @bloodlineszine

[greatgoddyke]

i love making things poorly its so important for the creative spirit that you learn to love being an amateur

[hannieehaee]

hi! i hope u are doingg greattt! can u please do a wonwoo fic about when u get into an accident while ur husband!wonwoo was on a tour????????plzzzz do this fic and a happy endingg plzzzz

content: husband!wonwoo, idol!wonwoo, established relationship, gender neutral reader, angst, mentions of an accident, mentions of hospital, (tw for car accident implications), fluff, happy ending, etc.

wc: 1188

a/n: thank u for requesting!! sorry i took a lil while to get to it T-T

masterlist

wonwoo had never felt such fear in his life. i mean, how else was he supposed to react to such an unpredictable situation?

last he had spoken to you had been only three hours ago. on the phone. he had bid you goodbye for the night, letting you know he was about to go on stage and that he'd call you the next morning due to your time differences. he knew you'd be going home from work and head straight to sleep, so he didnt want you to feel like you had to wait up for him as he finished his never-ending setlist.

the next thing he knew, he was walking into the backstage area once more, exhausted but ready to head back to the hotel. except his plans had been interrupted by his manager, who pulled him aside to give him the grim news.

you had gotten on an accident on your way home. there were no more details at the moment. something about your best friend calling wonwoo from the hospital, but his manager had picked up, not understanding much from your friend's frantic rambles. wonwoo's heart immediately dropped at the implication. an accident could mean anything. it had happened on your way home, so that couldve implied a car accident .. wonwoo couldnt breathe anymore. the more he thought, the more his heart raced. his breath became heavy at the bare thought of you scared and alone while at home, not having your husband by your side.

he had been having fun on stage with his best friends while you had gotten hurt. there was no way for him to forgive himself for not being with you right now. he called your phone over and over as he ran to his assigned car, not even caring to change out of his concert ensemble. in the meantime he had his manager book him a flight to you immediately, not giving a second thought to any repercussions to his absence.

it took him a while to receive a response from you, or well, your best friend. she had called from your phone, letting him in on more details of your accident. wonwoo couldnt help but let out a sigh of relief at the news. you were okay. you were alive. you had swerved too harshly in order to avoid a deer that had gotten in your way, which caused the car to crash against a tree. the hood of the car was destroyed beyond reparation, but you had been left injured, but almost unscathed past a few broken bones. it was a broken arm, a broken collarbone, and a few scratches (re: a ton), but it was manageable. he would still dote to you until you healed, but he was just extremely content that you were okay.

regardless of your state, wonwoo still insisted on flying out to you. according to your best friend, you were still passed out. fortunately for wonwoo, his flight would take him to you within five hours, meaning you'd likely be awake by the time he got to you. his heart couldnt help but continue to race for you. the scare was still fresh in his mind, and the thought that he wouldve been away from you had it been something worse made him want to repent.

somehow he managed to fall asleep during the flight, only to be awoken by his manager the moment the plane landed. thankfully, it had been an unplanned flight, which meant wonwoo had the luxury of no one awaiting him at the airport. he had covered himself up – a bucket hat and a face mask sufficed to get him to where he needed to be with no recognition. he made the trip as quick as possible, feeling an instinctual need to be by your side.

after some very inconvenient paperwork, he made it to your room, standing outside as he pondered as to why he was scared to go in. you were fine. and probably even awake by now. but he couldnt help but think: it had taken him a total of seven hours to get to you. if anything ever happened to you, his idol schedule would always get in the way. your husband was not truly a husband. he was always away, always prioritizing his work and his fans, unable to tend to you in such moments. he always knew you'd be better off with someone who partook a more conventional career, but moments like this truly proved his theory.

even now, he felt like a terrible partner. he was pitying himself instead of checking on you. the realization made him shake his head at his own thoughts, forcing them away as he walked in. any thinking prior to that moment had been useless, as his heart became swollen with adoration the moment he saw you look up at the door, smiling as soon as your eyes landed on him. you didnt pay mind to your injuries, sitting up and extending your healthy arm towards him to draw him in.

he couldnt help but fall into your arms, doing his best to avoid any broken bones as he held you against him. he was aware that some of his body weight was above you, but you wouldnt let him pull away to readjust. you wanted him in your arms as much as he did you.

damn any insecurities wonwoo had. he'd be selfish and keep you to himself. if he had to exhaust himself through hours of travel to get to you, he would. or even better, he'd take you with him from now on. be damned anything that tried to get in the way of him and his love.

"my love ..."

"dont worry, nonu. im fine! it was just a freak accident. you didnt have to come, but ... fuck, im so happy you're here," you rambled as soon as you pulled away, still keeping him sitting on the bed as you leaned as close to him as possible.

"ill always come, you know that," he paused, "you scared the fuck out of me, i ... that call. ive never been more terrified. im sorry i wasnt here, im sorry i-"

"wonwoo, no! i understand. i cant believe you flew all the way to see me even if its just a few broken bones. im sorry i scared you."

his hand made its way to your cheek, caressing it gently as he smiled sweetly at you, "dont apologize. ill take a million scares if it means you're okay. i ... is it okay if i stay? i want to take care of you. actually, no, i dont care if its too much, i- i need to be by your side. can i?"

"yes. you dont have to ask, i always want you here."

"good. ill take you home with me as soon as you're discharged. never letting you out of my sight again."

"what about tour, you-"

"shh. ill take care of it. you're my priority. ill take care of you, okay? i love you."

"i love you more, nonu."

he let yet another sigh of relief at those five words, knowing that as soon as he heard those words, he'd be okay. you'd both be okay.

[iwanty0uu]

❄︎ all characters are 19+ y/n being 20, second female character being 19, and male character being 21, contains swearing and mentions of violence ❄︎

•unedited•

𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝟑…

Three weeks passed since the event with your “sister” and you didnt know how to feel. Life felt like a fever dream and as you sat down sadly in your college dorm, you received a dm, from Connie.. ?

You two had chemistry, well chemistry wasn’t the word, maybe advanced biology.. he was the type to make you think that he was all about you in private during your late high-school years, and then act like you were nothing more than friends in public. Considering that you two were friends, you couldn’t tell whether you were really trippin bout the way he acted or if you just caught feelings while he didnt. So for your own peace, you un-added him and went no contact. This went on for three years until tonight.You opened your inbox and the message read:

“long time no talk..heard niggas spreading shit bout you that aint sit right.. tell me wassup my heart.”

Your heart dropped.. the fuck was he talking about you like that for? HE CHEATED! WITH YOUR SISTER AT THAT!!

“Fuck it” you thought and began typing your paragraph..

𝐟𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤

You remembered the footsteps that entered your household, and it was her.. Your sister, Nataly and your newly EX BOYFRIEND entering your home, your safe haven. She was greeted with stares from her father, brother and yourself. “How could you do that to your sister?” Your father asked? His tone was low, and he seemed hurt for you, but this was no regular empathy, this was trauma.His face seemed as if he had seen one thousand years worth of pain and heartbreak, and it broke him to know that his daughter, his baby was just like the person who had hurt him. History repeats itself no?

“Y/n I’m not here to ask for your forgiveness but I did come here to apologize-“ before he could finish his sentence, his face was met with your fathers fist, his blood flew through the kitchen, spreading along the kitchen floor like wet fresh paint. The crunch of Ony’s nose filled the room which was followed by a gut wrenching scream.. He had no time to talk or explain himself. You would have never expected your father to move so quickly considering his size and weight but it seemed as if he took his anger out on the boy. The boy who looked too much like the one who betrayed him and slept with his gold digging…wife, his cousin. After your brother pried your father and ex apart, Ony was unconscious, and your father’s once dark blue polo almost looked the same shade as midnight, and was soaked..

You watched your sister to see how she would react, would she try to help him? Ask daddy “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?” in the voice she uses when she doesn’t get what she wants? But to your surprise, she tried to hug you, grabbing your hands and repeating “It was only twice.. it only happened twice.” Your brother must have seen the glint in your eye which caused him to act faster than you could, separating you and your sister before she got a matching broken nose.. “OH SO IM PEACE-MAKER TODAY HUH?” he repeated, pacing up and down the kitchen. “AWWWEEE SHITTTT IM GOING TO JAIL I GOT FINGER PRINTS ALL ON THIS BITCH- YO POP YOU MURDERED HIM- NIGGAS NOT EVEN BREATHING-“ his tattooed hands touched his waves, rubbing his face and fanning himself dramatically.

“You’re dead to me” you said to Nataly. And it was the last thing you remembered before leaving your home in a frenzy. “why does this shit happen to me god?” you pleaded in your car, eyes too swollen to drive causing you to pull over and take a break. After that, your memory was foggy, you did make it home though and skipped school for a week after..

𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭

You found that your conversation with Connie lasted for hours, then led to an instagram facetime, then let to an actual facetime, to talking every day for the next month, being shady to Ony together, throwing subs on social media about him, and having study sessions. Over this month, your time in the empty lecture halls with him were the best, being alone in a big room with someone who you “weren’t supposed to be with” always turned you on.. or maybe you were just a little perv, but Connie noticed this. He noticed this as he sat next to you instead of across from you one day, how you looked at his lips and not his eyes when he got the correct answer. You purposely told him that you would reward him if he passed his exam which he did, knowing exactly what you had in mind. He noticed how your soft plush lips eased into his as if they craved the intimate privacy that they once despised, craving the secrecy that caused your situationship to fail. Your slick coated your dark brown g-string under your long skirt that was now hiked up, as you sat on his lap, the way he played with your nipple piercing remembering how everyone said it was dumb to get just one but it fit you so well. This was his first time touching you this way in years, and he would make this a moment to remember. Although he wanted to continue, he stopped to wash his hands at the lab sink before he began, and then came back to finish your lewd scene. You sat patiently waiting for him to finish and this gave you time to think about your actions. Were you doing this because of Ony? No, so why do you feel so nervous?

He turned around and returned to his seat, kissing your skin which sent tingles up your spine, calming you down, but you still had something on your mind and it made your balls blue. Your high came down and as usual, he noticed. Knowing Connie for as long as you did, his maturity was now visible and in that moment he promised that you’d be his number 1. It was hard to trust niggas now-a-days but what did you have to lose? If all hell breaks loose just wait until it freezes over and go about your life as you did before him. So being you, it was easy to agree but even harder to believe him, but you ignored it. You knew yourself well and if he didn’t treat you how you were supposed to, then he’d be gone. The heat between you went back to its intensity as he deepened the kiss, leaving hickies around the open skin on your chest above your tube top. Your legs fluttered open at his touch and you felt his erection almost burning into the fat of your ass, he slowly put his fingers back inside of you, thrusting while curving his fingers inside of you, hitting your sweet spot. You could feel yourself coming to your high, gripping onto his shoulders riding his fingers, begging for his touch and affection. You pulled at his studded earlobe with your teeth as his erection stimulated your clit. You found yourself tugging on his sweats, begging to be touched by him… You slid your hand into his ethikas, pulling out his cock, it twitched while you rubbed his pink tip that was already lubricated with his pre cum. You played with the plump of his pink lips while you grounded yourself onto his dick, sinking your way onto him. You both were on the edge and near to cum, so you weren’t surprised when he bucked his hips into you before you could gain your senses. You lost control of your body as it bucked in return, matching his pace and his sloppy rythm. “Fuckkkkkk con- shit” you rubbed his shoulders as you felt your high approaching.

“You take this dick good huh ma-“ he grunted, his rhythm now inconsistent as he slowed down, edging the both of you. You felt as if you were on cloud nine, the way he caressed your skin, touching you in the places that were left cold by your ex… rubbing his favorite spots on your body. His tongue grazed against your own, swirling in the pool of your saliva, he bit your lip causing you to jump slightly. He laughed while kissing the both of your cheeks, his thumb re-located to your clit, rubbing faster and harder, pressing down against your sweet spot as you whined against his hips.

“Connie! I’m cumminggggg, oh my-“ You grabbed his body for support as you felt him release inside of you, he gripped your hips, holding you still as you jerked against him, still in the after shock of your orgasm.

“Hold on y/n- shittt” he whispered as he felt his seed leak out of you. He slightly moved his hips, pushing the other half of his girth that couldn’t fit inside of you. As it kissed your cervix, you felt your eyes roll back…but there was another pair watching you.You both heard shushed voices outside of the door, forgetting the time and how the night classes started at 8pm… it was currently 9:30 and by the grace of God no one entered the lecture hall whilst you and connie had your randevu.

“shit the time-“ you mumbled, quickly hopping off of him, loosing balance instantly as he held you up. You grabbed some wipes that sat in the inner pocket of your telfar, and cleaned you both up to the best of your ability. You couldn’t control the giggles that left your mouth as you fled the crime scene, but that night liberated you.

𝟏𝟐:𝟎𝟎𝐚𝐦

Connies head rested on your chest as it rose and fell,he slept as you were left alone with your thoughts. You didn’t regret what happened and were looking forward to a future with him..but who’s eyes were it that you felt?…..

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐟𝐤𝐢𝐧 𝐞𝐧𝐝.

hope yall liked this as much as i DREADED MAKING THIS jkjk..mwahh!~𝓵𝓮𝓵𝓮

[kcalsforhim]

friday 8 november 2024 - 𐙚 ˚🍰 ⋆｡˚⊹❀˖°

୧ ‧₊˚ 🍮 ⋅ ˚⊹

୧ ‧₊˚ 🍮 ⋅ ˚⊹

cals : 804 steps : 10.6 k

breakfast : 9 magere knakworstjes, my mom ate one bless her. a tiny dish of ketchup i didnt finish... 1 thin rice cake thing with some cream cheese on one half and some jam on the other half

dinner : fried fish, potato salad and green iceberg lettuce ?? macarons as well cause...

୧ ‧₊˚ 🍮 ⋅ ˚⊹

okay so i woke up kind of at a normal time for breakfast... my mom made me this food and it was ok ! i made the rice cakes cause idk i was craving it sigh. dinner was amazing too, haku would not eat that fish but like... i didnt have a replacement protein or carb and sigh otherwise i would be eating only salad. he said it was ok. just pretend the fish was salad (this meal is one of my comfort foods it was SO GOOOOOD i love this dish).

i finished the macaroons because they have been in the fridge for a while and like... its fine.

my movement i obviously got my steps in but like... the way that i only had 3 k after dinner so i had to force myself on the walk pad untill i hit 10 k. like... actually painful. i always tell myself my walk goal is for the greater good but im literally programmed to be lazy sigh... i was talking to eli about this earlier... in my ideal life i would cook and clean the house and get my steps in on a pad and dress up and maybe do grocories and never work a day in my life... have somebody's bank card so i can order myself cute clothes and be a trophy wife like... sigh... anyways...

today my minecraft phonecase... creeper plushie... hairclips and MADOKA FIGURE CAME IN. im so excited about the figure i put her smack dab on my desk so i could always look at it !!! thank u eli for treatming me like ur trophy wife like actually u get me everything i want... hihi....

today i also received my half of an art trade im doing with geon... he drew my oc so well im never changing my pfp on twt like im just forever gunna have that pfp im literally i almost cried when i saw it cause i actually rarely if ever like the art others make of that character and geon put me RIGHT so thank u i know u will never see this entry but ily sigh

୧ ‧₊˚ 🍮 ⋅ ˚⊹

i took these pictures in the morning and like... i look ok. my stomach bloating is finally going down but im STILL too scared to weigh myself...... sigh... im such a coward LOL... should i do it rn ? idk ive been drinking a whole ass monster... ok i regret that so bad LMFAOOOO its not even that bad i havent shite since yesterday, i worked out for an hour, ive been drinking energy drinks... its logical but sigh. after this metab week u could call it im so relieved to go back to high res

୧ ‧₊˚ 🍮 ⋅ ˚⊹

here is some gorg thinspi that makes me wanna kms like... actually ur so gorgous and u look so beautiful existing when is it my turn... especially the second pic im SICKKKK.

୧ ‧₊˚ 🍮 ⋅ ˚⊹

me like... actually humming this while i go insane in the assylum... HAHA

୧ ‧₊˚ 🍮 ⋅ ˚⊹

[luvforemikai]

Bitch i might be

summary ~ just a regular day with the cullens, except the cullens have to deal with your bullshit. Not taking your adhd meds you're extra... active today. Enjoy!

warning ~ cussing and talk of pills

Quotes mentioned -

"Bitch i might be" - Gucci Mane

Music mentioned (in order) -

-----------------------------------------

"PINK WIG THICK ASS GIVE EM WHIP LASH, I THINK BIG GET CASH MAKE EM BLINK FAST, LOOK AT WHAT YOU JUST SAW THIS IS WHAT YOU LIVE FOR AHHHHHHHH IM A MOTHERFUCKIN MONSTAA" - "Y/N KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE!" rosalie yells, absolutely tired of your mess. You ignore her though and keep rapping while jumping on your bed, which causes your dad, carlisle, to come up and ask you himself. "I know you like to sing or rap or whatever it is that you do just please try to keep it down" he says softly. "Okay!" You say, but continue to rap your nicki minaj playlist until esme yells for a snack. You run out of your door aggressively, heading downstairs towards the kitchen singing beyonce. "DONT YOU EVER FOR A SECOND GET TO THINKINNNN YOU'RE IRREPLACEABLE!!". Jasper rolls his eyes while altering your mood , making you wanna stop singing and sit on the couch watching one of your favorite movies playing, "rush hour". Carlisle scolded jasper for what he did but he didnt care, he just enjoyed the peace and quiet while you ate your burritos esme made.

When you were finished you did an awkwardly flexible flip off the couch to go bother your parents carlisle and esme. "Can i have a friend over?".. "no, not while you're off your meds" esme says "okay but like the doctor said himself i should wait 48 hours to take my meds again because of that weird thing that was going on with my heart so i think I'll be alright.".. esme gave in "fine, which one"..."Nat?" Esme shakes her head "no absolutely not" "whyyy???" You say disappointed " i dont like her, so no. Pick somebody else"... "fine, uh, jasmine?"... "sure." Esme says while giving you a look of suspicion. "AAH thank you!" You say while hugging her.

Its 12pm and Jasmine comes in. everybody welcomes her and you go up to your room. You stay in your room with her for a few hours til you guys go downstairs to get something to eat. She's sitting on the couch singing.. "rock it dont stop it everybody get on the floor. Crank the party up we about to get it on .." while you bust out in dance moves, pulling from all those hiphop rehearsals you went to when you were little. You guys bust out laughing after a minute of it considering how random it was. She goes home a little while after.

Its 8pm and esme makes dinner for you. In return you play music on the television. "Baby boy you stay on my mind fulfull my fantasyyy i think about you all the time i see you in my dreamsss" you sing loudly while whining your hips. "I think she's going crazy without her meds" Edward says jokingly "Bitch i might be" you say quickly after while carlisle tells you to watch your language.

The food is done and its finally time to take your meds. Those 48 hours were rough. You slept a whole day and was active the next, you were more than ready. You still had trouble taking pills because of your borderline fear of choking so you took them with some icecream and was out like a light the next hour. You had Jasper to thank for that along with the crushed up melatonin Emmett put in your food. "Goodnight y/n" is all you heard when you were dosing off in Carlisle's arms while he took you up to your room.

[jklpopcorn]

*crawls out of the in stars and time timeloop, visibly disheveled and exhausted after spending 33 hours playing + Another 2 hours mass reblogging with friend* WE MADE IT TO THE END, OH LORD, WHO SAID THAT THE GAME WAS ONLY 21 HOURS LONG

Hiii! This is an update on my last ask pertaining to finishing Start Again and starting ISAT. It tooked another session to completed SAAPAand then over ten 3 hour sessions over the course of a month to beat but we did it!

Thank you for bring this game on my dashboard! Truly, one of the games of all time

Some highlights of those 33 hours of stars and timing.

Both of us just STARING at isat Siffrin during acts 1 and 2 because holy shit, they're so joyous and filled with whimsy and the timeloop horrors hasn't hit them yet. <--- used to saapfrin's depression

The two of us experiencing the dawning horror that is all the callbacks to Start Again in act 3+4

LOOP HANGOUT IMPLICATIONS THAT SIFFRIN HELD THE PARTY BACK BC THE PARTY WAS ABLE TO MAKE TO THE KING ON THIER OWN DESPITE HOW THERES SO MANY POTENTIAL SOFTLOCKS

I (person who knew that saapfrin is loop since the beginning and that loop is a Siffrin) had to desperately gaslight the streamer friend when they randomly joked that there could be multiple Siffrins across different timelines in act 2 (they didnt remember saying that when we were chatting at the end credits)

Destroying Odile's old women kidneys via making her drink 8+ bowls of salty broth whenever we fought the king

Yelling HOW ARE YOU STILL STANDING??? When odile froze Siffrin in time at the 5th act finale like Ma'am using timecraft even for a second is said to cause the user to turn to dust?? And you're like 80

Heartbreaks during the 'Odile stands in front of the party after Siffrin disposing of sadness too excitedly" '"We cannot trust Siffrin" clocktower act 5' and 'Odile uses papercraft against big Siffrin' because she's the oldest and logical one and she must protect everyone/make sure everyone is prepared to fight the king even if her actions seem too extreme

Got a beautiful moment at the secret loop bossfight when the streamer friend learned loop is a siffrin and I no longer had duct tape over my mouth and could finally tell them that loop is our saapfrin (been talking about what happened to saapfrin in general during the playthrough)

SBXUXBUDHXUDHCUCCU I am SO glad you enjoyed the game :DDDDD

I also thought the game would normally take 21 hours but I was prepared for it to take longer since I love to investigate more 😭😭 yeah it did take longer, 41 hours in 4 days to be more precise, twice as long 😭😭 loved every second of it 😭😭

I can imagine seeing act 1 and 2 siffrin would be such a whiplash! When I learned that sasasap may contain spoilers and reused scenes i went straight to isat so I first got used to the whimsy of the act 1 and 2 siffrin and then saw the slow descent into the poor meow meow in act 4 😭 i was actually surpised when i played sasasap that the little guy skipped all of that and is lowkey worse off than isat siffrin 😭 Loop truly did make a difference when it comes to sif's sanity (and like... actually helping him get out of the loop too ^^)

I was actually surprised they went into an actual breakdown in act 4 and 5. Didn't expect the creator to explore how a person would feel after dying and looping a hundred or so times! I was fully expecting for sif to go "well that happened :)" with no consequences like some games/movies like to do... But within the first 5 minutes of playing I could bet that the creator was a tumblr user so I had hope that our little fella could go a little feral later on <3 i was not disappointed <3 (but honestly, the game reeks of tumblr at times /pos /pos /pos <3)

I suppose that without Sif during the Loop hangout the party got both super lucky and searched even more thoroughly for keys and such since their main guy was out! Not that it really helped them in the end...

I guess it's just canon that that old woman's immortal. Speed and running are her only weaknesses 😔 and mommy issues 😔

Also her truly wanting the best for the party and also taking the least shit from siffrin the moment they could be a danger to her family 😭 violence is not always the answer odile you saw what happened to siffrin 😭

Loop..... nooooo......

[wonopia]

SUMMER TROUBLES | 008. DISTRACTION

[WC] . 600 prev ! mlist ! next

"and of course won is last to show up," heeseung glared after opening the door.

"to be correct, sunghoon is last," jay defended wonie, "didnt his practice end a while ago?"

"not sure but he said he was on the way soon."

"and when did he say that?" jay asked.

"about an hour ago.." sunoo sighed, "maybe hes ditching us."

"not a chance," tae commented, "who else would he hang out with?"

"he has many friends from ice skating."

"ok first of all," heeseung started, sitting down beside jay on the family couch in the living room, "no he does not. second of all, maybe he’s meeting up with misak-"

jay smacked his arm before he could finish his sentence, cursing at him.

"yo," he mumbled while pinching heeseung’s arm, "what the fuck?"

"whose he meeting up with?" jungwon asked, sitting next to sunoo on the floor.

"nobody, i’ll go call him," jay said, leaving to go to heeseung’s room.

"weird.."

"anyways," hee shook his head, "what do you guys want to do?"

"there’s nothing interesting to watch," tae mumbled as he searched for movies and shows on the tv.

jungwon’s phone buzzed his pocket but before he could grab it, sunoo slapped his hand quickly and lightly.

"hey-"

"no phone," he told him although it was more like a demand, "everyone put your phones on the coffee table," he announced, snatching jungwon’s phone from his pocket, grabbing his own before placing them messily on the table.

"what why?" hee asked.

"because everyone is always on it. why don’t we all just talk to one another? no electronics."

“but-“

“why-“

“nope nope,” he shushed them, pointing the finger at them, “i'm just asking for one thing, for once.”

it was silent among the best friends.

“okay fine, but what will we talk about?” heeseung asked as he placed his phone next to jungwon’s on the coffee table.

“well.. what’s got everyone on their phones?”

“nothing, i'm just bored,” tae sighed, nudging sunoo to put his phone on the table as well. sunoo abided, placing his phone face down just like the rest.

"we all know what jungwon does on his phone-" hee was interrupted by won, "okay okay enough about me."

jay returned, "sunghoon said he can't show up today."

"what? why?" heeseung asked.

"i didn't ask," jay mumbled, "he sounded serious, i decided not to butt in," everyone nodded, "so what's going on here?" he asked, signalling to the phones all bunched together on the table.

after catching jay up on what he had missed, it had been about half an hour. they began catching up with one another until all the phones buzzed and dinged at the same time causing curiosity as to why from the group of boys.

“okay why did we all get a message at the same time?” sunoo asked, shocked, his eyes locked on the coffee table.

“maybe sunghoon messaged,” tae guessed, “or..”

“or?”

heeseung gasped, scaring everyone.

“gosh you scared me,” jungwon commented.

“it might be the college tours we signed up for, remember the summer admissions? they said they would post it somewhere in the middle of summer.”

“oh yeah,” tae says as the memory replays in his head, reaching for the phone before sunoo slapped it.

“no no no, we have the whole rest of the summer to look at those. right now we are staying here."

once again the boys decided to obey him. heeseung had brought out his console for all of them to play nintendo. although it was four at a time, they seemed to make it work.

after a while of playing for a couple hours, the group seemed to be starving. deciding to go out and eat. sunoo reluctantly letting them go on they're phones.

"sunghoon never showed up," jungwon mumbled, missing his best friend, "i wonder why he never showed up."

the boy never notified them in the groupchat nor showed up like he was supposed to.

"maybe he got held up in something," jay mumbled, eyes locked onto his phone screen.

"heeseung, let's use your car," tae instructed, sliding on his shoes before leaving the house.

the group followed, soon all inside heeseung's black vehicle. hee and jay in the front –sunoo, tae, and jungwon in the back.

"has sunghoon been acting a little more odd than normal?" tae brought up, "or is it just me?"

"ever since he and misaki broke it off, he's been a total different person," heeseung commented, "he barely hangs out with us and normally just hangs out by himself."

"i was surprised when he wanted to sleep over at jungwon's," sunoo mentioned, nodding his head.

"right? me too," jungwon agreed.

"yeah, i mean he and misaki were in love," jay said lowly, "if that happened to me, it would change me a lot as well."

jungwon stayed silent at that. it made him wonder about yujin. how would he feel if she just stopped talking to him? would he feel sad? would he even care?

thinking about it made him wary about everything.

“so what about yujin?” tae asked, nudging jungwon’s shoulder.

“it’s.. it’s great,” he laugh nervously.

“oh yeah," tae mumbled, "does she have a boyfriend?"

jungwon tilted his head at the question, "i.. i'm not sure. she never said she wasn't in a relationship."

"right," he nodded, "maybe you should ask her."

“oh guys,” jay began, the three boys peeking they’re heads between the seats, “the college email did come in, did you guys get accepted to go too?”

everyone excluding heeseung, who was driving, pulled out their phone to check. all of them getting admitted to go.

“we’re all just going to seoul, right?” heeseung asked, pulling into the restaurant parking lot.

“yeah,” sunoo nodded.

they had arrived at jay’s family restaurant.

note: why am i working slower.. im also getting a new phone so no new smaus right now haha. i need to get my photos back asap. and the next following chapters will have weird looking texts whoops.

© wonopia 2024

open TAGLIST: @nodiotter @ilovejungwonandhaechan @sol3chu

[mynameisnotsoda]

YES PLEASE INFODUMP ON THE PISS SMP, I SAW AN INSTA POST YOU MADE IF IT AND I WANNA KNOW MORE/pos

OH MY GODDD AHAHAH LETS GOOO !!! MY EVIL PLAN TO SPREAD THE PISS SMP PROPAGANDA!!!!!!!!!! Okay so

In the beginning, we werent going to do lore, it was just meant to be a server for fun! Me and my brother explored and gathered materials for a while and he ended up taming a dog! Thats where the lore starts. It all started when that damn dog died.

So, he ended up naming the dog Piss, cuz it was funny, and we were exploring more at night. Piss ended up chasing after a spider and fell into a ravine and sadly passed away. (Now in character) Cyrus laughed his ass off, Ezra (he shares a name with my brother just bc he goes by Father Piss for the rest of the series) shouted "PISS YOU FUCKING DUMBASS" and it fucked him up pretty badly even if they both played it off like joke at first.

Cyrus and Ezra settled and started building their bases, however, Ezra was actually making a church. For a while he kept cryptically laughing and saying "oh my beautiful creation" and everyone was pretty worried, of course, but no one thought anything of it. Doc went off to build their base elsewhere (across the lake from the mainland since it was a small island only disconnected by a few blocks) and Cyrus went mining.

While everyone was doing their own thing, Cyrus kept dying in The Pit. It was just a small cave entrance that was really steep and there was lava and a ton of mobs in it, he died a lot from skeletons and burning. He's had a vendetta against skeletons since then and tends to avoid the nether as much as he can. Thats how he got his burn scars.

After that, Ezra finally finished the church. Everyone was invited to the grand opening! (Although in canon only doc and cy made it, ive rewritten it to where everyone else actually came) Ezra declared himself Father Piss, bringing peace and harmony to all the lands in the name of his dog, Piss.

The only problem was.. Father Piss slipped up, it was actually a cult. Cyrus was outspoken about not wanting to be apart of the cult, Father Piss declared him a traitor and killed him. Which is the first time anyone had really lost a life. (Death by mobs/environment arent permanent but DO cause permanent damage to the body over time. Death by players are limited to three before they stay dead. AND lives are counted by red hearts on the napes of their necks, they become black when a life is lost)

When Cyrus respawned they got into another fight, also ending in death. Out of fear, Doc impulsively joined Father Piss' cul- church.

Cyrus was exiled from the Pisslands (names by Father Piss of course) and wandered around the woods for a while. He began construction on a small house in the spruce forest but overnight Father Piss and his goons found it and vandalized it. Out of fear Cyrus ran to Doc, hiding out in their home for the next night.

Thats when he got a great idea! He created the entrance to his bunker on the hill next to Doc's house, Father Piss would've never guessed he stayed so close and he was right! He spent days making that bunker and over the following weeks he just grew more paranoid and afraid of Father Piss.

Eventually, Father Piss requested to meet with Cyrus, at Piss' grave by the ravine. They met up and Cyrus was led back to the church, skeptical but too afraid of angering him to protest. He ended up being imprisoned behind the church. He spent hours talking to himself and playing with sand as it was the only thing left in his inventory. He was scheduled to be executed the next day, however Cosmic busted him out! Laying down her first life for him to be able to get away.

Cyrus then decided to make a second bunker, connected by a LONG tunnel for him to escape through if needed. He spent months making it, he kept a nether portal in the second bunker and tamed a dog that Argent named Swaginator. His friends didnt visit him often, apart from Doc or Argent. He rarely left but when he did it was ALWAYS to see Doc, the love of his life. He was so clouded by anxiety that he wasn't able to be there for Doc. Doc was dealing with their own problems from within the church, not wanting to do Father Piss' bidding and unable to leave.

This put a strain on their relationship, but Cyrus really did try to make an effort. He began experiencing auditory hallucinations which only made his paranoia regarding Father Piss worse, which quickly deteriorated his mental health.

One day, he decided to go into the nether for some supplies to make his bunker look nice. He ended up running into Homeslice, one of Father Piss' goons, and he panicked. Not realizing that he hadn't been noticed he started swinging, he knew it was over as soon as the fight started. Father Piss had been alerted and the two of them cornered him to the ledge, before Father Piss swung his axe and took Cyrus' final life. His body fell into the lava pool below.

After a few days, he came back! As a ghost, he lost all his memories and the first person to see him was....Father Piss. It wasnt hard to trick him into finding his old bunker before raiding it. Ghostrus was completely unaware and blissfully complied with whatever Father Piss wanted for a while. Although he grew weary of Father Piss' instability.

Ghostrus built a house on a mountain near Doc's house and kept a close eye on them. He felt incredibly drawn to them but didnt know why, as he didnt entirely believe that they were married when he was alive.

Axel then joined, making a house on stilts in the sea, he became very close to Doc. Argent also became close to Doc, as they visited his restaurant often! Then again, it was the only restaurant and it was right next to her house. Slowly the three of them became friends and eventually partners.

Ghostrus on the other hand decided to start a taco truck, which was just a front for his drug business. He laced his tacos with coke to keep customers always coming back for more! Father Piss became hooked on his food.

More people moved into the Pisslands, the community grew and so did Argent and Ghostrus' respective businesses. He created a drug empire for himself, which gave him a lot of power. With the lack of memories and moral compass, Ghostrus created an image of himself to be the sweet and friendly taco truck owner. While behind the scenes he was a cynical and uncaring asshole.

He enjoyed the chaos that Father Piss created and became the worst version of himself for it.

AAAAAND THATS ALL WE HAVE SO FAR !!!!!! the rest is much blurrier and not concise so ill stop there, but thats the lore thats absolutely canon as of now ! Ty if you read this far :33

[vanlegion]

TL;DR script 1?

I'm getting the urge to write my first RVB fic. Yet, I've been going back and forth about how I actually want to handle it. Directly after Restoration, I had a lot of " EMOTIONAL DAMAGE " and whipped up a seven page comic i've yet to publish (and still am debating about at this point because I dont feel its very good and I lost a lot of the anger that spurned it but GODDAMN do I want to keep pump the RVB tag with more Grimmons Art JUST BECAUSE) along with a few other pictures and feels and ideas of other WIPS that also came from that anger and angst... But now that it's been some time and I've cooled down and have been able to process and ALSO come to understand that 19 could be taken as another Simulation, and that ALSO RVB gave us the unique gift of letting us CHOOSE where our canon story ends (Be it at S10, or S13 or for the very few of us S17) ... My brain has slowly been allotting, plotting and working its way towards writing a story that could be a more realistic take to an ending. I've never written 'Fix-It fics' in my life. Mostly because I don't really believe in them that much, personally, for me. ( I'll read them if the premise sounds awesome, and I'm curious how people switch things up. I just have a hard time writing them myself.) For me I do 'Mend-It' fics. Which means I keep what was considered 'broken' in canon, but then find a canon way to fix it BEYOND the breaking point. . . . . So now I am conflicted because as I stated before - RvB is a Choose Your Own Ending series. S19 does have some concepts I'd like to play around with and explore further and expand on. But I'm also an enjoy of have S17 as my ending. Never getting the SoC fight feels wrong. But maybe, maybe. . . I've got a way to have my cake and eat it too. Ya know, before Grif finds out I had cake.

Anywho, this was a quick Outline for the first draft of a Fic I was planning, but am now thinking of scrapping maybe for what's now brewing in my brain. I might flesh this back out again but this was what I came up with about some odd hours after finishing Restoration day of. "First Nights"

How often does Simmon's second guess himself? By nightfall, when he see's Grifs unmade and trashed bed - because you KNOW Grif left him one last mess to clean up, he's going to bitch about it, bitch about the trash and . . . probably put it off for the morning. Being so fucking tired after surviving all of that. And then when he starts to ask a question. . . realizing he wont get an answer, he'll choke. Tucker's acting all 'Yeah I'm fine sure' but he's probably struggling a fuck of a lot right now and trying to do it all himself - and Wash is still learning how to let go but he's got Carolina for support so he can be Tucker's support as well. Them learning how to heal together is very viable. Grif is probably going to run off disbelief for a few hours, along with adrenaline to figure out his immediate living situation as soon as he gets back home. But it's gonna sink in pretty quickly that he's alone, and it'll hurt when it hits. He didn't even tell Kai he was leaving to go back home cause he was still waiting for a second shoe to drop, but it didnt and now he's back in Hawaii.

Caboose is gonna wonder the canyon. He'll be quite. Probably ends up in front of a broken Simmons, and is just there to be supportive. Because Simmons also, in a way, also just lost his best friend. So he'll offer a shoulder and a hug and let Simmon's have his emotions. Because doing the right thing is the sad thing. He'll probably say thank you to Sarge's grave. It'll inspire him to make one for the Epsilon Unit, but the grave stone will be carved with ALL the names ... Church, Tex, Alpha, Beta, Epsilon and the rest in their Greek Lettering. He'll put the Sniper Rifle on it. Tucker leaves with Wash and Carolina because the trauma does finally hit him and hard, and he needs a doctor. Carolina tires to convince Caboose and Simmons to go with them but they both stay behind - Simmon's claiming some kind of bullshit technical reason and Carolina know's he's lying but doesn't push, just leaves the invite open. Caboose and Simmons sit atop Red Base and talk into the night, watching the stars and recounting things again. The first night alone is rough, and it hurts. It gets easier each passing night, but it still sucks when it feels you no longer have a purpose. They started as pawns in a fake war, and it feels like after everything that's happened, they're still just pawns the UNSC would rather push into the shadows. At least here. Maybe there's somewhere they could actually make a difference, or that their help and experience would be beneficial. It takes time to find that place. But eventually, they do. A new training facility/liaison office looking for experienced vets is being built. Simmon's files the paperwork immediately, because Red Tape bullshit requires these thing be done ASAP and he's taking no chances. Takes time again, but eventually, the new facility is finished and they're paperwork is accepted. They clear out Blood Gulch. They leave it behind for good. (Debating Simmon's having rigged the bases to explode or not - sees on brand for him, but also he may just leave it derelict because Sarge) Simmons, anxious but excited, turns to Caboose and see's the other's excitement. He's going on about how "It'll be great!" and all the things he wants to see and do and all the new friends he could make, but then grows kind of quiet and look over to Simmons. "It will be great, right?" "Going to Earth? Yeah. I think it will." Last scene is just them talking while the data-pad next to Simmons shows a readout of the New Facility they're transferring to, " RTB: ODST - Red Team Base: O'ahu Division for Science and Technologies"

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

life's been okay. nothing special. days just keep on going. ive had a job for bout 2 weeks. ig thats not really an achievement tbh.

before this, that work from home place i was barely working, prolly 5-10 hours a week. and i'd slither out of those where possible anyway. this one week i worked a whopping 2 hours within 2 weeks. I was planning on killing myself and occasionally tried to all throughout having those jobs so i wasn't really worried about the consequences

before that the only other in person job i had was for my ex best friend. she worked there so i applied and got a job o work with her. only for her to quit 2 weeks after i got in whiich lead me to quit prolly a week n a half later cause i finally got fed up with the manager.

so now, even tho it ain't the longest ive held down a place, its the first that i really cared to put in effort to hold a job.

im semi celebrating but im honestly miserable. my feet hurt so fucking bad so it literally doesnt matter how good my hours are i never want to leave my bed. the people up there are so cliquey and on my 2nd day out of training one of my coworkers went off on me for going too slow and "not putting in my part". theyre starting to give me longer and longer shifts. i went from working 3-4 8 hour shifts per week to working 3 doubles just like that. they sooo generously give an hour and a half break in between the 6:30-3 and 4:30-8 shift but.. who in their right mind is even leaving atp? i live too far for that. i'd be home for at most an hour. waste of gas.

and to me what's worse, this whole situation is exactly what i've been avoiding. i knew it'd come down to this someday. but what alternative do i have?

HA. you know as a kid, i never understood addiction. I never thought I'd have to deal with it. By the time I was 8 I knew I'd kill myself someday. if i ever felt bad, that'd be what i'd do. no need to force myself to do something i didnt really wanna do. but now it seems so easy. i don't know what i wanna do from here. i hate my job. i hate my home life. i dont like to talk to my friends anymore. im bored of games. im bored of music. bored of tv.

whisking the days away doing what i have to would be a lot easier if i didnt have to be fully present for all of this. just something to pass the time until i have a better handle on what's the next move. right now, the only thing i can do is save up money. i have shit to pay off if i wanna keep a good credit score and i have things i need to buy. what's me hating every second gonna change?

though i know it's a slippery slope. abusing shit aint gon work out as smooth as I wish it would. I'll get addicted and then I'll get used to feeling that way so it'll take more for me not to get annoyed. then it'll turn back to me immediately running back to it for every minor situation. and honestly with the job i got i'd just have to hope i would be able to push through it without it being noticeable

i'm not happy i stopped. i feel like had i still been on dph i would've known for a fact how to make myself look normal. i could be gone out my mind but long as i get the shit right i could just daze through the days. but ya know. now. i ratted myself out

and now im stuck.

nothing more for me to do. nothing else i could be doing. nothing else i should be worried about other than making money

I never understood why adults always told me i'd miss being a kid since i was always struggling so bad. all they ever said is that my problems then were gonna feel like nothing once i was an adult. but they were wrong. i guess for now. but all i wish now is that i used all that freetime back when nooo one woulda suspected anything if i was away for a lil while. back when i wasnt ful grown and it'd prolly take a whooole lot less to finish the job

but here we are. forced to keep going and doing what i can to suppress what i really wanna do

ah speaking of which... i got pissed the other day and i tossed one of my drawers and broke it. then broke my bottle for my vitamins by throwing it to the ground. then i accidentally knocked over this container of beads and instead of just sweeping it back into the thing and reducing the mess, i just kicked it as hard as i could and tore the container apart. there's still beads everywhere

that is something i can't force myself to contain anymore. everything else i've been dealing with fine but when im pissed im pissed. i gotta get that under control too

[freebooter4ever]

i actually have another story related to this that kind of...i dont know...shows the difference between what im used to and now. while i was working in computer science education i was an art director - and had to defer to the professors in programming and curriculum -  for the most part i had final say on anything art quality related.

so nick shows up in pittsburgh - ski season was over with and he decided to lend his carpentry skills to theater tech work. and somehow through the theater he was employed at, he got talked into being set director for a local high school play on the side. and then, because i was madly in love with him and wanted to spend every second together like a total idiot, i got roped into helping him paint everything.

so while i was writing a textbook by day - creating the models/joint systems AND planning how they can illustrate introductory programming concepts -  i was also spending my nights from like midnight to 4am painting the sets nick was building. for like two weeks or something. i was dying, but i was very happy about it.

anyway one night instead of us being there alone the actual Art Director of the show was there doing whatever it is she did. and she was watching me paint some stone walls. and she was like ‘thats too much color stones are grey’. and i just looked at her with my two hours of sleep death stare and informed her that this was the underpainting. and nick was sitting over there smirking at us like the smug asshole he is because he already knew me too well by then and he knew exactly who was going to win this battle. At that point he’d also spent enough time making out hanging out with me in my office that he'd seen me do this base layer / top layer painting on digital sets.

because a few things: this is for stage so if you’re going to have colored lights you want to give even gray objects some color to catch it. two, if the lights are going to be bright you’re going to have to compensate a little - you can see this in every dsnylnd ride ever. three - i told her the truth that the initial underpainting was literally an underpainting and the teal tinted gray wash going on top was going to blend all the colors together. This is how you get the illusion of flat objects being three deminsional. Those of us who have worked on low poly games know this ALL TOO WELL. PLEASE lady i do this everyday on 3D computer models its the same fucking concept. i didnt say all this. i just fucking did it. cause i was a volunteer working till 4am what could she do. Kick me out? Haha.

so yeah i won that argument and when the play opened everybody commented on how great the sets looked.

BUT WHAT IM SAYING is that the people who aren’t actually doing the work and are only judging the finished project really REALLY shouldnt be able to have any say at certain stages. they should just trust that the person who has already previously demonstrated the ability to do this shit can do it again. and thats why we have concept art. to determine the direction that the working artist can then formulate a way to reach. and then the person who directed the concept can look at the finished product and be happy. but thats not how it works because they like to be in control \o/

Sometimes i wonder if i actually would have survived working at the studios during the golden age of ani*ma*tion (Besides my being female). Cause like walt was known to be a very micro managing boss - its why the whole place fell apart after his death for a while there. The artists used to ask if walt was in his ‘bear suit’ that day so they'd know in advance if he was going to rip their heads off in critique. And one artist looking for a job actually walked in and told walt that ‘[walts] job is the only job worth having around here’. Who knows. I feel too young to be so disillusioned by this town already.

[mg549]

tagged by @graveyardrabbit 👍!

last song: mama by mcr <3

currently watching: nothing 😔✊idk its hard to get me to watch tv shows. oh i did jst remember like 2 years ago or sth i started watching Every X-Files Ever with a big excel sheet of all my opinions and shit. but its been hard to get thru bc the later seasons have not been very enjoyable and also ive been Busy with work n putting out consistent art n shit that its hard to justify sitting down and not doing anything for that long ig. ive also slowly been getting thru various slasher franchises&watching iconic horror movies since i love horror but havent watched a lot of the movies, &its easier for me to get thru an hour and a half of sth Complete than 45 mins of a Part of a larger story. the original scream is def the cream of the crop of what ive seen so far, meanwhile i watched the first saw last night and it was incredibly stupid and frustrating to watch. 9/11 rly took its toll on media

currently reading: 😶 even harder than videos bc i absolutely cannot multitask while reading. recently finished frankenstein (which i started literally almost 3 years prior (its not that long or difficult i jst struggle to justify spending time on things that i dont consider “work” in my brain) (also it was p good but you could literally cut out the second part and the story would benefit imo it jst rly slogs down the pace and axes any tension for a lot of details that could be conveyed much quicker if they were explained in less detail)) and the communist manifesto (didnt take nearly as long bc its like pamphlet length gbdkjd) edit everyone go read izroulia actually a new series came out today&i haven't been able to read it yet but its been keeping me going fr i love how earnest it is in being itself its such a good piece of safe media for me if that makes sense

current obsession: ughhhhhhhhh ive been in between obsessions for a lil bit i feel like. idk this is sth i struggle w/ bc the last thing i felt fully like Enveloped in was the adventure zone (orig. arc) which ended. 5 years ago. lemon demon&lemonville came shortly after but it was hard to feel it was on the same scale bc it was actively in creation as i was there and associated #Drama also lessened its grip faster than it would’ve had it been like an existing show or sth. plus theres less ppl obvs. had a brief good omens phase but it burned out pretty quick bc i had so thoroughly dissected it very quickly. &since then ive kind of jst been cycling between existing interests (monster high/fashion dolls in general, mercreatures, creepypasta/slenderman/horror in general) plus the occasional mcr blast but it doesnt quite Grip the same bc there arent like Characters i can rotate. the best ive gotten is obsessing over my own ocverses but its not the same.... idk i rly rly Want to feel the Passion that fandom brings but none of the media thats blown up interests me enough to consider consuming the media or i take a peak&dont like it cause im picky...idk my fundamental problem is that im picky and hard to please bc i can deconstruct things so easily to see its Bones and if a story is more surface level and straightforward and easy to understand its hard for me to keep my attention on it at the stage of my life im in. that being said aquamarine is my fave movie tho so. but then again i think ppl jst write it off cause its a chick flick. idk recommend me things but dont be surprised if its not my vibe ig

ummmmmmmmmmm idk who to tag u can do this if u want to&say i tagged u but i think i was kinda a bummer w/ these answers so 😔✊

[notahorseindisguise]

godddd. work tonight was CRAZY..i was so fucking slammed. and im literally dead fucking tired god. i worked 12 to 10. i only had a 30 minute break, from 4:30 to 5, except after clocking off for my break (we dont have paid breaks) i realised the kitchen didnt have any food in the fridge . so i asked one of the cooks to make me a chicken parmie for my break, and since i didnt have anything to do while i waited for my parmie, i just went back into the bar cause it was happy hour and i felt bad that mac was getting smashed, and i wanted to make some cocktails (i like getting the practice and its fun !!) and so i did that during my break lol . until kitchen finally rung the bell and i went in to grab my chicken parmie. chips and parmie fresh out of the frier, boiling hot, and i had ten minutes left in my break, so i set a timer for 7 minutes and finished off the chicken parmie with 23 seconds to spare. i wish i took a photo before i ate it because this was Not a small meal. it was fucking huge. im just an incredibly fast eater. anyway this post is long

[oswednesday]

ive had like three adventure time adjacent dreams which is having me Post like that but i feel kind of embarrassed sharing them for some reason gfdgfd the first one was like okay in some multiverse way i have the crown and im curled up on someones couch with a blanket on and theyre discussing my wellbeing like really sweetie concerned style and thats the kinda thing i can hear muffled by like a room over and whispering maybe? but while thats going on there are two people discussing like voicelessly the mathematical probability of this happening and the ramification of known events and me who is dreaming is seeing them do math that i could not even begin to understand and it left me feeling really soggy? it was only like an hour nap fdgd

the second one was like i was getting a wellness check style visit and i was like =_= i dont need your pity im fine and there was something insane i was going in the background that was being censored out from my like dreaming self vision and it kept flipped back between the dream scene happening and stuff in my living life and then i had to whip awake to finish cleaning cause i fell asleep in the middle of that and that was like a 3 hour sleep

this last dream was the furthest from those but you know in the way things were connected? i was in a dorm though it was more like a two bed hotel room and my roomate was a guy who didnt like me but i had people crushing on me in class, i was like going to skip class in a mental health tm sort of me day sort of way and people had come check up on me in like legit concern but also side eye and i had to be like nooo i legit feel sick i promise

the dorm sleeping areas let out directly into a building that also had classes so as i was roaming the halls i was watching a magical fauna class with a room set up to recreate a city environment on fauna that grows there with like a -the unique ecosystem that grows there is valuable and not like a flaw- does that make sense? like the plant life that grows out of an unused tennis/basketball space in a park is just as natural as a wildflower in a field? and it was fucking me upppp emotional style then some kinda reaction happened to a students experimenting where the flower burst into like an unfathomable old man cosmic bird man beings and as that happened another appeared and they were doing like battle while the students scattered like out of the room and we all watched through the glass of the room while these two creatures like smack talked and fought and eventually the only ones left watching as the magic was getting too dangerous to view was me and the teacher of the class then i woke up after like a blast of dark light and this was more like 7/8 hours of sleep

[tamkashi]

happy august 2nd to myself.

one year ago i was hospitalized after a suicide attempt. it felt like an out of body experience. i remember everything yet cant remember having any thoughts about it. i drove for hours and when i finally got back, my bestfriend texted me an old screenshot of us joking around. on a usual day i wouldve stopped to laugh and reply, instead, i ignored it and continued on with my plan without second thought. i had a lot of pills, and i took an entire bottle and more, forced them down nearly dry. i remember finishing my note and calling 911. i was throwing up uncontrollably and i felt like passing out, i was so tired. i remember the 911 operator asking if i could hear the sirens and i said no. somehow i managed to walk myself to the ambulance and met a paramedic who walked me inside and got me onto the stretcher. i was still throwing up uncontrollably, and i remember getting really nervous about getting my first IV. it went into my left wrist and they gave me something to help with the vomiting. i made it into the hospital and i remember every nurse staring as i was wheeled into my room. i remember having to strip into a gown and having all my belongings taken away. i was given more medicine and time is a blur from there. talked to some police and nurses and a psychiatrist. answering the same question over and over. i sat in the room for hours, no thoughts at all. a familiar nurse i had in january was attending me, and he did my EKG. laying exposed, having wires stuck to my body to check on my heart. i had probably been there for 2 hours before a nurse came in and said that my parents were there. i gave them permission and my mom rushed in shortly after, just crying. she held me so close, just crying. my dad just stared and held my hand. i didnt cry, i didnt feel anything, i wasnt there. i remember some lecture from them, and they just sat there with me. i wasnt allowed to close the door because i could be a danger to myself, so i laid in the dark. they almost let me go home, but my heart rate was still through the roof. i remember seeing the doctor walking towards my room and my heart rate went so high that my monitor started going alerting red and he just shook his head and said “you’ll have to stay overnight”. my sister came, crying. they stayed for a while but my mom stayed with me overnight. i finally got my overnight room and the nurse was very nice to me. she set up my heart monitor that i would have to wear for a while and got me water and graham crackers. my mom immediately fell asleep and i just laid there for hours. the nurse came in around 3 and did more things that i cant remember. laid there more, until morning came and we just waited to hear from the doctor. another nurse lectured me with my mom for about an hour before i was finally discharged.

i can say i lied my fucking ass out of there. i just wanted to go home. who gets sent home like 14 hours after a suicide attempt? definitely not most. i wasn’t okay, i thought about doing it again while i was sitting there. i regretted calling the ambulance. i regretted the pain i caused everyone. but i felt better at home with my cats.

it is now a year later. am i better? not at all. but i can say i’m not actively planning to attempt again. i’m just living a miserable life working for no money. i’m basically in the exact same situation and place as i was then. unhappy relationships, unhappy job, unhappy living situation, it hasn’t changed. but at least i can acknowledge this.

i hope one day i can get better. i feel like i deserve that at least.

my head is pounding and i’ve had an awful day. i worked all day, work again soon, and have to do it all again the next day. so i guess ill try to sleep soon, keep myself occupied with all the thoughts of how i could be. i could be happy with a partner who values me and treats me well, financial stability, and living on a farm taking care of all animals. is that too much to ask for?

maybe, we’ll see next august.