#i feel so guilty bc im so depressive i dont take care of myself or our home enough but i honestly feel like i cant get better here

[mewwified]

im such a bad girlfriend, i hate living here <3

[cloudd-nyne]

.

[saintobio]

HELLOOO FINALLY GOT TO SEND AN ASK!!!

first of allllll…. i think the time momjo sending the child guardian paper (?) that satoru typed out of anger is a hint…. and then satoru telling yn that sachiro called akemi mama… this honestly hurts alot more, imahine carrying your baby for 9 months, taking care of baby sachiro for 3 years alone, all the sleepless nights… and sachiro just ugh u dumbass small brain toddler (literally). anyways, satoru looking at akemi during suguru and shoko’s wedding, his hand rubbing akemi’s stomach at the cabin when she was in pain. honestly this part was akemi faking her pain or…? cuz there was a line that said after satoru asked if she wanted to go home her face didnt show anymore pain ? lololll idk. i dislike (hate) gojokemi but i think theyre gonna be endgame with all these theories coming up oh godddd. and the way yn threw the necklace into the lake, satoru went to search for it but did he manage to find it ? no. but during sn yn (well, suguru) found gojos wedding band. so in sy, yn threw away satoru’s “heart”, and it was never found again, thats a hint (?) bruhhh i hate thissss (i love this so much actually it made me feel so much i love u saint) i also recall the first time satoru and akemi first did it together he said smthg like i could learn to love u ? if i remember correctly. and the morning at the cabin after yn and gojo did it, yn was crying bcs they had a heartfelt talk ? and u mentioned they both felt guilty. the guilt is…. yeah.

BUT ALSO, satoru once said that yn has always been the one, sera when she saw gojo after forever told sukuna that he looks different when hes being with akemi, like hes not being himself? but that was when they first got together so idk about now. him not calling gojokemi exclusive. oh how they were happy and loving when yn got pregnant 🥹 but well it lasted until… yeah. also u said something about gojo gonna be on his knees again, since yn is now depressed and suicidal, i think for her heart disease shes gonna sign a DNR, then satoru on his knees maybe begging the doctors idk gawd idk someone mentioned dnr and i just… 🙂 its not that she wanna leave sachiro either, but i think shes telling herself everything will be better if she dies since sachiro, still very young, doesnt even really remember yn (just why sachiro) and called akemi mama… also why the hell didnt gojo use protection when fucking akemi oh gawd pls hate u satoru if she gets preggo.

anyways, i cant wait for gen to be back. i love u gen and ian.

oooh i also remember that you said there was a scene that inspired the birth of sn/sy, was it in chapter 11 ? or we’re not there yet…

honestly why dont yn just join shoko and suguru and be in a happy poly relationship ever looollll just kidding. my heart hurts, im still all in for gojoyn endgame but it doesnt seem realistic. ive been cursing gojo and akemi ever since the chapter came out loolll gotta give myself credit for being able to do my exams while still thinking bout this. 💀

omg there’s a lot to unfold here idk where to start 😭 but i just wanna say, it’s amazing how you’re so thorough in remembering those details in sn/sy bcos i honesty don’t have enough attention span to do that !!! sdjsj now while i can’t answer everything you mentioned, i can say a few things:

- akemi isn’t faking her pain, she’s truly struggling from it

- gojo doesn’t want kids outside of marriage (or should i say if not with yn), so he’s definitely careful with it.

- yes, it is indeed sy11 that birthed the sequel :’) i had that scene in mind before sn was even finished

[daz4i]

Hey, i just read a vent you posted a while ago, please dont read the rest if it might affect you negatively.

I just wanna say, i have a friend who has depression. She talks to me alot, and the stuff we talk about revolve around the same topic like you've mentioned. I never, ever found her boring, nor have i ever wanted to stop talking to her enrirely. I dont think id ever get tired of our conversations. Sure, everyone has their own mental health to take care of, and i know when to ask her for a bit of time for myself, since i know i wont be of much help to anyone if im not stable myself. And im confident that it works for us both. She has a support system that's got her back when i can't be there for her, and when i can, I'll lend an ear. always.

What im saying is, there's nothing wrong with talking to your friends or anyone close to you about what you're dealing with or going through. They love you, and they want to be there for you, just like how i want to be there for my friend. And ill never ever want her to feel like she couldnt talk to me about anything she's going through, even if its the same thing, even if its over and over again for 5 years, and for however long in the future. Just like how your friends and close ones would want you to talk to them.

we're human, and we all need our support. So please, if you can, never feel guilty about sharing or talking about anything you're going through with the people you love and who love you. Some people would make you feel otherwise, but you have to be strong and know that there's nothing wrong with something so guiltless about sharing your weight, no matter what kind of weight it may be.

Im sorry if this was too much to read and i know this wont make things okay. i just wanted to let you know this. stay safe and take care, okay?

ah i appreciate the input, thank you!!

i agree with what you're saying but at the same time i think my issue comes from like. not feeling I'm allowed to complain when I'm not taking any steps to change things

ik my friends love me but also i feel like i make at least some of them mad when i talk abt my problems bc it's like "if you're suffering so much why aren't you doing anything about it"

so. ig this is another layer to the whole thing. the guilt stems more from complaining abt smth i might possibly one day be able to change (tho i highly doubt it, given my life experience so far, which is why i stopped trying) than just venting abt my feelings. i think. but then turning it into something beautiful can ease the guilt at least bc it gives it some other excuse to exist, if that makes sense

[justlittlekatherinethings]

(this isn’t on main bc i don’t have readmores on this mobile version of tumblr. if i can edit one in i will.) cw mental health talk & some negative self talk. and religion woes. and pandemic mention. and cancer mention. wow we are filling up the cw bingo card.

not to blog on a blogging site but the jumble of emotions rn is making me go berserk. i hate being trapped here. the natural environment where i’m at is so beautiful and calming and healing but it gets usurped by the Im gonna Die In Here vibes emanating from my parents (read: mom).

she yelled at me today because my cat was having zoomies and burst open a door upstairs that caused a loud bang and woke her up. i was on a call so i didn’t see her angry texts and apparently that set her off and she stormed upstairs to blame me for the noise. when i said it was Jasper she just got frustrated and said the meanest thing she could think of, which was ofc that I need to get a real job.

i’m sorry im not fucking hireable and still under your roof like i don’t know what to do :( i keep applying for jobs and getting denied or passed over and it’s like. you don’t think that’s frustrating for me?? is it because i don’t show it (bc you taught me how to suppress emotions to keep them safe from you?!!!) like i’m. aough.

sincerely last month i could feel the kms ache creeping back (i have normal depression but in extreme duress the pre-ideation sneaks in again) due to being stressed and the insurmountable hopelessness of it all. i’ve been equal parts guilty and frustrated with myself as well as with the state of things. had a breakdown bc it’s my birthday in a few days and for the first time ever i’ve felt this Dread with it coming. it was like at this year milestone i was supposed to have been out, on my own, doing well and thriving, but like i’m just. here. i don’t want to spend it with my family i just want to curl up alone or drown you know cixhxbdkdks ugh.

those are side tangents. the interaction was so laughably funny like bc i Happened to be awake when the crash happened means I’m failing at getting a real job? like at its core I cant help but laugh bc wtf. but you know in the aftermath i’m just shaking bc it’s so evil and gets exactly at my insecurities and guilt and inherent worthlessness and then it makes me Angry for myself that someone would dare use those to hurt me like that.

it’s such a tangled mess of things. i’ve been scared of being kicked out since i was a kid and realizing i wasn’t religious, i was gay, and that i wouldn’t have any financial support necessary to live if they got tired of me (in that order). they get pissed at me for not spending time with them, but don’t want to see or hear me or think about me unless it’s on their terms. like i’m a doll. or a hermit crab. or yup a houseplant. they don’t support my art and never have (unless it’s making what they deem to be acceptable amounts of money). they don’t think any of my interests are cool or fulfilling even if they are for me. the only thing i do for them is the bare minimum of chores and mail their letters. i’m a blight to their perfect successful family and an embarrassment when people ask about me. But Also I can’t go get a normal retail job or like leave the house to do Anything (unless it’s an errand for them) because what if I get exposed while i need to take care of my Very Paranoid and undergoing cancer treatment & surgery Grandma. that would be so unfair to her :((((( So like which is it.

i just hate living in this toxic environment and want out so badly but have been failing and keep failing at getting a job since i graduated. it translates to all this self hate and frustration because i like, should have Just Done Better or majored in something useful or i dont know not been such a depressed and anxious fuck up.

I know that isn’t being fair to myself or my mental illnesses or the State Of Things and The State of Things 2: Global Pandemic. But maybe if i had less morals in their eyes I could have been rich off of bitcoin making my own tech start up and restructuring the UN from the inside-out…and not a pest animal living in their attic who creeps downstairs to get food and disappears.

I know it’s going to Suck tomorrow and I don’t want to go to sleep and/or wake up and deal with it. I have half a mind to think I’m gonna be woken up at 7 with ice water to the face like I’m a kid again and it’s Time For Church.

Closing thought thesis i guess is that i’m just frustrated and angry and scared.

[neveergoodenough]

07272021

making a su1c1d3 note for fun ^^

if you are reading this then, congrats you know how to read! oh and also that im gone

i dont know, im so tired. i feel like theres nothing going right in my life. on the outside i may look like a happy go lucky girl (i am on most days) and privileged one that everyone wouldnt guess that i, want to die.

im turning 23 tomorrow and whats the point really. as i write my anxiety is eating me up. i hate my birthday. i dont understand how anyone can be happy on their birthday. to me its like a reminder that i failed to complete my one goal, to die.

people will cry sure. but i can only count on my hands the people that will actually care, the people that will actually say that my absence left a whole in their life. bcs thats the truth, people will forget you eventually, alive or dead.

i dont think id had a person cry for me. its not an obligation of course but that they care to that extent. i dont really feel like i have friends sometimes. maybe i have 2 or 3 but thats it. the rest will and some already have forgotten me.

i have learned that life really does not have any meaning. we are just organisms bidding our time here on this floating and tainted rock. existing just to suffer. why cant it be my time now?

individual notes:

flo - im sorry. i know we promised each other that we'd go together but i couldnt anymore. i will start building our belle epoque at my destination. dont come so soon yet tho since i will be taking my sweet time planning it out, getting right material, watching the yt vids on how to build, yada yada. so dont catch with me yet. you still have a lot to do there and pls for me, survive and be happy.

ven, ianna, angel - hi besties. thank you for all the support you gave me since day 1. i know na one chat away lg kamo prmi sa bsan ano, so im going need you all to continue to do that with each other. be each other's strength. i wish you all happiness, and im sorry.

la fam x homo - pls continue to pursue something that was once my dream. i have no doubt in my mind that you all will find your own place in this world. thank you for the friendship even tho i slightly distanced myself. im sorry

mama - sorry ma, i have never been the perfect child. often times my selfish and prideful self stood a little higher. this pandemic distanced us even more than before and it might be an excuse but i still feel guilty. take care of your health and make good choices.

papa - honestly most of my traumas growing up was because of you. my anxiety, why i became so reserved as i grew up, and depressed (but u dont believe in that, right? let me be your perfect example then). but despite all of these, i couldnt hate you 100%, you were a good father, a provider. i will always be thankful for that. so dont blame yourself too much. do better pls, atleast for darla. you were wrong all along papa, i am not your strongest child.

lance - it was from you that suffered the biggest betrayal from. but i dont have the energy to be angry at you anymore, i can never get to you. you are like a closed boom that cant be opened but at the same time i dont wanna open anymore. im tired. but despite all of this, i so hope you are happy now, i hope you live your own life making your own decisions and owning up to all of them as well.

darla - all my money goes to you. i dont care kung anhun mo, go abroad or whatever. dont be oa, im not a millionaire but just take my money. withdraw it all before you all register my death certificate. my doh schol when i die will be cancelled but i wont leave you with debt so dont worry about that. wala na ko da so by all means darla, you have the freedom to leave our house na. no point in staying there if youll still be miserable. do it for yourself. save yourself. **pin numbers in my notes app

you can sell my bts stuff, they cost a fortune i promise. i want my funeral to be small, no unneccessary people (u know who, darla)

well this is goodbye then, i cant fully say i lived a good life since there was a lot of suffering. ill just say i lived a good chunk of days that made me want to survive for a little while longer.

[aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaoldretired]

some p!g-drv3 theories (spoilers obvi)

First of all I think people demonize the pg versions wayyy too much because its a good way to be le sexy in like fanfictions. And i get it, villains are hot or whatever. and also hs is a horny age to be. But even the edgiest and horniest of teens aren’t like. that sexual/monstrous. its kind of insane the portrayals people are placing

maybe this could also be like me being older bc when i was early hs i was like yea its fair to place these super mature portrayals on a 18-22 year old they are like adults but young and now im that age and im like woah there pardner. might be an age/maturity thing. 

also like its normal for people to relate to and portray characters their same age in a similar fashion, but when adults write more sexual content about the dg kids i get hella fucking sus

idk where i was going with that first comment i guess its like a preface and in the end i think its important when characters especially teenage characters are morally grey not because they’re mature and dark/brooding but because they are still young and learning. fuck im older than like most of them, but im still young and learning. its good to be in turmoil and confused, especially the drv3 cast. they are more confused than anything.

which i think is a reason why people would join dr because if you are completely loss and in turmoil, it is appealing to be given a purpose in life and amazing talents/abilities. despite the morals of danganronpa, it is a simple reality to be told who you are and what to do

OK ONTO HEADCANONS (not doing all bc i dont have thoughts about all)

first of all i understand changing stories but i think, deep down, you can’t change fundamental personalities/values. so while the backstories might be different i think, in the end, a baseline is always the same

SHUICHI being a Bad Boy is like canon obviously but i dont think he’s as manipulative as people make him out to be. i think he falls in the more the bully role that like. mae borowski or tf2′s scout filled before they grew up. rough background, bad anger issues, lots of emotional turmoil, and the only way he knows how to deal with shit is by committing crimes and beating the shit out of people. and, similar to those characters, drv3 represents an older, more emotionally sober yet equally confused version of himself. the urges are still there as foreshadowed in the dialogue. i think he struggles with guilt, mostly survivors, but there is still a lasting impact of guilt of what he did in his past, even if he can’t remember.

KOKICHI is a child. a piece of shit motherfucker child but a child. I really do think he’s like one of the youngest people in the cast. he reminds me a lot of when my brother doesn’t take his adhd medicine and takes jokes way too far and does mean and cruel things because he thinks its funny and that its just a fun joke, but is hurting people. he desperately wants approval, which is why his leader role is so interesting because in the dr narrative he has the approval he craves and so he is satisfied. still, he does try to impress characters like rantaro and values his opinions a lot, even developing a brotherly relationship in the time they knew each other. this being said, its established kokichi was bullied before, but i dont think he’s like. the wimp people make him out to be. i think he’s more of like the class clown who desperately uses humor to make people like him, and ends up resorting to be the butt of most of his jokes. you don’t just develop a good sense of humor out of a brainwash, and that’s not something you can program in. i think that was a remnant of before, and he’s so good at bullying people and coming up with roasts - i just think that in p!g the roasts were about him.

KAEDE is baby but her p!g personality seriously reminds me of any ~quirky/edgy~ girl in a teen coming of age story who tries to be edgy and cool and act like she doesn’t care but deep down, she really does. if she didn’t have an empathetic personality, she wouldn’t want to end the game. i also think she has that self-identifying QuIrKy personality because its like she lives in her own narrative, practically announcing this story is about her and she is the protagonist. i know i used to self narrate like that and distinguish how i was different when i was like. 15-16. she has a tumblr. 

I really like the theory where KAITO is a make-a-wish kid who was better when he was younger but relapses later in teens. he never used his wish before, so he decides to use it now to be on danganronpa and become the hero he always wanted to be. i also think he might have joined as a way to raise awareness about adolescent healthcare. definitely the type who puts on a “heroic” character to make everyone else feel better about the fact he is literally dying of a terminal illness, and keeps that act up till the end. 

i think KOREKIYO is still a serial killer. i think honestly a reason why he mightve auditioned for danganronpa is because he is a serial killer. maybe his sister found out and he felt so much shame that’s why he auditioned. he probably mentioned why in his interview because duh, tell them im a serial killer and then only reason im coming clean is my sister found out and im ashamed, that is like a guarantee to get on the show.  i LOVE the theory that his sister is still alive, however, and has to watch her brother go insane because they wrote her into the story as the villain. because technically, she brought on this guilt, and is the reason why he auditioned - as a way to cause despair, twist it around so she’s the one to blame for his insanity. also, because its pretty accepted DR members become celebrities, kork’s sister is totally bombarded with paparazzi and is demonized in the media. she might end up writing a tell-all memoir about kork’s actual childhood and personality. quiet kid, thoughtful, interested in anthropology, she never thought he’d hurt a fly. watching her brother go insane probably destroyed her. 

I also think, timeline wise, kork is probably one of the oldest members along with rantaro. tbh i think kork actually graduated hs and went on a gap year doing the whole “hitchhike around the world to discover myself thing” which is where he began killing people. he was getting ready to go to college when his sister found out about what he did. this is when he decided to go on danganronpa instead of university. this would help explain why he knows so much about other cultures/travel/been so many places with so many memories/killed/is knowledgable on a level most other students are not. this would place him at like, 20-21, where everyone else is like 15-18.

ok so there’s two p!g RANTARO, p!g before 53 and p!p!g before 52. i’d like to establish now i think rantaro is the oldest of the characters, seeing as though he was already pretty old to begin with in 52, it takes time between television seasons, and he was in another game. so im placing him like 21-23, similar to yasuhiro in d1 being so much older than everyone else. i do think, in all iterations, rantaro was pretty much raising his sisters, though i don’t think he had twelve like the story (i think that’s an exaggeration, his sisters mean a lot to him, lets make him have a TON and then lose them all and feel GUILTY) rantaro joined the first game, partially to get money for his family and hopefully establish them as celebrities and let them have a comfy lifestyle, even if he doesn’t live...and also to finally ahve some sort of experience without his siblings tagging along. if he’s been raising his sisters all his life, he’s never had like something that’s JUST his. that’s his adventure. 52 is his ULTIMATE adventure. ahaha. mostly for money, kind of dreading it, still a tiny bit excited

ok p!g rantaro between 52 and 53 probably came back broken. he did the signings and appearances, but mostly wanted to spend time with his family and make sure they were set up. i think he knew the whole like few months between seasons he had to go on another show, but he did’t tell his sisters. his family found out when they saw a billboard with his face plastered on it hyping up the return of a fan favorite. yikes!

ok i get it a lot of people hate HIMIKO but i think she’s not nearly as similar as other “useless” characters in other games. its like, pretty clear she’s depressed, and the only thing she’s holding onto with dear life is magic. lack of hygiene, lack of personal care, constantly tired, social interaction exhausts - she has depression, but she’s not an UWU depressed character. so people find her depressive traits (which are some of the most realistic portrayals of mental health in the series) SUPER annoygin. she joined dr because she was completely lost and needed some sort of direction in her life, even if she’ll die for it. the thing is, even with direction, her mental state didn’t change because she wasn’t getting legitimate help. it’s like that one SNL skit that’s like. same sad you from before but in a new place. i also think she knows the magic is not real, because how could she not. i think she’s so adamant that it IS real, less as a way to convince others, and more of a way to convince herself. it’s like really super cruel that team danganronpa took a girl who is desperate for meaning and gave her literally a meaningless, fake talent.

i also kin himiko and find her a comfort character because i feel seen by her, replacing her useless talent of magic with mine of like shitty film making and comedy. i am seen.

related i don’t think she’s nearly as ugly as everyone says she is, i think she’s probably just depressed and takes absolutely no care of her hygiene and sleep and looks like sick and greasy all the time. same queen.

honest to god i think RYOMA’s backstory, tennis and all, is like 100% real and he’s the only one who keeps all of his memories except for the fact this is a tv show. i think he rolled up, a hot fucking mess, and the danganronpa team were like damn. we cannot improve upon this. 

[dolphin-enthusiast]

bună seara, dragă mea 🌹🌜✨ ahh i hope i wrote that correctly,, another romanian friend of mine taught me that haha, he teaches me romanian phrases in exchange for me teaching him bits of italian ☀ ah, so much to address no? well, i'll just start off by saying i wasn't expecting my friend to expose my problems like that,, i'm not mad at all, just surprised. let me first say that i am okay as of writing this. i have eaten and hydrated and have been taking naps all day, i am stable. (1/9)

"my older brother and other siblings have been taking good care of me, and two of my friends came to sneak me out of the house for a bit and bought me food. so i am fairly calm right now (2/9)

now then, about that person, it was just some texts i woke up to that caught me off guard, my friends are apparently planning to go after this person, even though i insisted on not making this a big deal, and frankly i didn't wanna worry you all either, i feel bad when i do. (3/9)

sadly i hear a lot of horrid things directed at me on a daily basis, so this is quite ordinary and there's not much i can do about it, i cope by trying to stay positive for others and be as kind/loving as i can since i usually don't have people to treat me that way, you're quite the exception, what i thought of as a stupid question blossomed into something i could never imagine, and i was shocked to see how everyone, including you, took to me quite quickly (and not in a joking way either) (4?/9)

i'm not used to it at all, so i mean it from the bottom of my heart when i say that everything you guys say and do means the world to me, i get overwhelmed with positive emotion when you all treat me so sweetly, i truly couldn't ask for anything more. that being said, i wasn't planning to open up about my mental health on this account (since i don't wanna talk about these dark subjects when trying to brighten other's days),, (5/9)

but i guess it's warranted now so hopefully you all can understand me better and not worry as much, i suffer from multiple mental illnesses, two different depressive disorders, an anxiety disorder, and body dysmorphia, some from genetics and others from trauma. i try to keep it on the down-low to not bring down anyone's moods, so i be as cheerful as i can. i'm professionally treated for it, so please don't fret. it really went downhill during the start of this pandemic and declined since (6/9)

i was absolutely miserable, and having dealt with many s*icid*l tendencies, self hatred, and lots of destructive habits, i was truly falling apart my sister introduced me to your blog sometime in january, and even though i did not have a tumblr, i still greatly enjoyed checking it everyday with her and requesting things from time to time, it's a nice escape from the world i live in, and after months of checking your blog, i decided to interact a bit more with that silly ask of mine. (7/9)

it really is a miracle that we formed such a bond, it's truly the best thing to have happened this year, i love having such a meaningful connection and getting to experience some positivity everyday i am completely serious when i say that you and the followers give me something to look forward to everyday, and you all have helped me to stay a little longer on this planet. i owe you all so much for that, so i still plan on popping up everyday to cheer you all up,, (8/9)

i could never thank you all enough, you all truly do mean the world to me 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 i can't wait to come back tomorrow with something more lighthearted, so please keep being extraordinary, because i'd hate to lose connection with any of you - from the bottom of my heart and soul, with much love, your local waifu xoxo 💘 ps: i can't wait to hopefully meet someday morgy darling, there's lots i'd love to do, so that's another reason for me to stay alive a little longer 💞 (9/9)"

Dear this is quite alot so i'll just start by saying that im flattered u greeted me in romanian😳✌️ i dont wanna pull a ghiaccio but although dragă does exist in this context it would be more like "bună seara dragA mea" but it really doesnt matter bc my wig is snatched and i was n o t expecting this ddhxhddj

Trivial matters aside, you shouldnt feel pressured into opening up on here even though some things surfaced but you did it nonetheless and im proud of u bc i myself would rather y e e t than talk abt myself and personal issues🤡🤡🤡 but aNywAyS let me start off by saying that again, you shouldnt get used to horrid things being said to u. Its fucking tragic that u get treated like this meanwhile all u do is be kind and care for others, but them treating u like that is entirely THEIR fault and u should never feel guilty for it. And keep telling others if shit happens (including us if u want) since we're all gonna do some good ol' as whooping @ the ppl that talk shit😤👋

I wont reveal much but just so you know i completely understand what you're going through and felt what you described in ur letter on a spiritual level, although i know just saying "i relate" doesnt really help. Its unfortunate and unfair ur goin thru this and yes i agree the pandemic did only worsen things (even for myself) and its really shitty🗿🗿im glad u at least had siblings that took care of u and made sure u felt better in no time doe

As always seeing u say that me and my blog cheered u up and motivated u to go on truly is smth like...w o w i never expected any of this to have such a major impact on anyone when i first made this blog as half of a joke lmao hdhxxhdj but im glad it helped u and other ppl so that means i'll just have to keep on running it😳😳😳 you really dont have to thank us for anything since we enjoy brightening up ur day and i have to ageee it IS a miracle how all of this came to be but thats exactly why its goddamn wig snatching ahsydjdkf

Also bro to say u have another reason to stay alive just to meet me....😞😞 Take care of urself bro

[sereiaxz]

I see that maybe why I dont totally face my anxiety and possible depression its because I have to keep going with my life. When I had panic attacks I was terrified of going home and rest, why did I felt guilty for my health? I unconsciously thought I was being dramatic, because school was first, my grades were first than anything. During my first panic attack and anxiety diagnosis the psychiatrist told me I needed to rest, that I could take all of the time I wanted to feel better, a month, a week, three days. Next day I was back at school with my group smoking with my bf and faking I was hella fine. Why? Because I felt guilty. I didnt assist to class, and that was bad, because I needed to assist so I wouldnt continue to be a loser with low grades. Who cares in this fucking system that I tried to kill myself back at 2016 and cut my arms a few times during a crisis. Because YOUR FUCKING GRADES AND APPEAREANCES GO FIRST FOR THEM. Who cares about a 14 year old girl thats going crazy bc she is failing school. She doesnt study, her problem. Poor girl, she went crazy in the girls bathroom when she was 16, but you know what she did? She started screaming and trying to get her hair out of her head, rumors said she screamed so loud that her pain was heared in a lot of classes. Thats not correct because she was disturbing a place thats meant to be controlled and quiet. I always forced myself to keep going, because if I accepted to dare to give me a rest (she is lazy, she doesnt deserve that) I knew I couldnt ever go out again. I couldnt face anyone or anything ever again. So I keep going. And at the end all ended for good. But here I am. In my room making jokes about my mental state and laughing at myself. Because if I try to take this seriously, who knows what could happen? Its better to just keep going, keep going, keep going. Im safe in my room where no one disturbs me. Im okay. I will be.

[karmanticmoved]

1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

no

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

[yourbleedingh3art]

8 things im grateful for list 3:09am smoking weed in my garage

Went to pride today and 1.they let me bring in my bong 2.my friend drove(so i didnt have to deal w the stress of parking and navigating) 3.her bf paid for all of us to get in and i walked past an 8 dollar necklace that was really cool but that i figured i shouldnt buy bc i was feeling guilty abiut spending 40 dollars on weed when i owe 1k bc i got in a car crash .even though in retrospect, i spend 7-10 dollars on a meal like it's nothingggg and im like umm obviously thats wort it bc its delicious and the highest luxury to have somebdy else prepare u food bc ive been the onky one preparing food for myself prety much for the lat 7 or 6 years but the thing is the necklace wouldve also been worth it so i was like ok get ur head on Straight.. is 8 dollars clutching-my-pearls-too-muchh money to spend or is it whatever-impulse-buy money Uknow, and i was like, (the necklace was a cross btw) it wouldve been fun to get soemthing jesus themed at pride also i love jesus and i lost one of my favorite cross necklaces (I want to call it a crucifix bc thats such a prettier word than cross but technically i think the crucifixes are the oens that have jsesus's body on them) Anyway then i walked into a booth and i was like wait oh em gee a jesus drawstring bracelet i actually thought it was saint judas and i have a green saint judas prayer candle and this was green and black cord w a picture of jesus or saint judas im still not really sure which and then i was like how much and the guy said 5 dolalrs and i was like ok i can do 5 dolalrs but in my head im like damn 5 dollars thats homophobic its pride month im at pride and ur overcharging me like thatt but i just gave him a 5 but he gave me a dollar back its like he read my mind so i ended up getting 4. a $4 jesus themed bracelet from pride and now im wearing three bracelets 2 on my left wrist (where the jesus/saintjudas is now joining the half heart of my invader zim friendship bracelet w gir on it) and 1 on my right this dingy looking ass leather brown thread drawstring bracelet that has a silver bullet w wings on it and the bullet says Love (and i have a ring that matches it on my left pointer finger that is a gold heart that says Love) BUt the wing broke off but it's ok im not taking it off bc i refuse to at this time 5. bestie got me an italian vape, a pack of italian camels aka zebras or sumn, a star candle holder and a star neckalce bc she know i love stars and the star neckalce is so slayful af. never taking it off core..... and a book from the place wheresshe saw david of michelangelo. 6.and i went to an outdoor acoustic guitar show and it was awesome and beautiful honestly and 7. i remembered to do my freckles before bed 8.i have plans tomorrow 8. i quit a job that wasnt serving me and found new employment within a day that was double the salary of my old job which i feel extremely privileged to have been in the position to do 9.i'll be working with my good judy at this job 10. i have weed,a vape,blue hair,a car,piercings,a star tattoo,and im Alive and im 19 and im fucking so grateful ive been so miserable and depressed lately and theres no real Thing i can attribute this negativity to which has, in turn, been making me frustrated i cant understand myself with ease and frustration makes it easier to fall deeper into negativity and im always just fighting myself wishing again for a time of peace but the point is i get so wrapped up in the drama of my mental Fight and while The Struggle isReal life is so much more than THE STRUGGLE. LIFE IS SO MUCH MORE THAN THE STRUGGLE. I am happy i am alive. (It feels so radical to say that rn.When i get depressed it's like i dont care what happens to me or my body and i dont recognize that life is an intense privilege)I am happy i am not dead i am happy i am alive i am happy i am getting older because i am happy i am growing and continuing to grow and i am happy i remember i have endless choices in this world and even if i wanna wear reboks and be in my 'boks my ideas are outside of the box. i am happy i am alive

and i have so many more oppurtunites than i did a motnh ago and it's important for me to sit back. realize that. &be grateful for that

[dead-thorin]

everything im gonna write is gonna be concerning but it be like that and its really not concerning

for like months now i haven’t been ok. And like it’s gotten worse with the holidays and ive been so fucking angry and tired lol. like at first i was like its fine its ok, then i was like its the hormones it happens, then its the stress of finals and work but like its really not like i legit just dont want to be alive anymore im really tired of it. Like idk how to convey just how much i dont care anymore to be alive

1) I feel so fucking isolated here like i have friends but a majority of them are cis. And like the trans people i know? most of them on T are non binary which like valid, but they dont get the full extent. And like their families support them lmao and theres one person i could talk to but he doesnt seem to want to socialize much so i always feel awful thinking about hitting him up

and like i feel like my friends dont like me and i know thats not the case but also maybe it is!!! who fucking knows anymore!!!! i dont have time to talk to them bc im so busy at work and then i get home and immediately have to do more work and by the time im free this week theyll be home for break so like!!! fuck i guess!!! i saw one of my friends who i havent been able to see all semester and she said shed hit me up today and she hasnt and i know its cause she and another friend have to study and theyve been busy but in my mind its still “she fucking hates u!!! doesnt matter that she was so excited to see u and would definitely have no qualms in telling u to fuck off she hates u!!!”

2) no one listens to me lol like people listen to me when i rant, which is really helpful and i really appreciate and love that they do that bc emotional labor, but like in groups? i talk and people interrupt or dont hear what i say or disregard it and im like k. OR THEY THINK IM FUCKING JOKING LIKE THIS LEGIT IS SUCH A PROBLEM AND IVE HAD IT HAPPEN WITH SEVERAL PPL AND IDK WHAT TO DO. Like i physically say “im really not joking dont do that” AND THEY STILL THINK IM JOKING

and whenever i talk to people and they give me advice or just listen they do at least one thing. They either mention medicine, which again, valid, but i dont want to go back on medicine right now. But then they fucking push that shit and demand reasons why i dont want to like fuck u i dont have to explain shit to u i just dont want to. And/or it turns into me educating them and im just like great! i managed to do labor in this trying time! nice!

3) I cant talk to my therapist bc shell become concerned lol. i told her how i went to the labor looking for a book about the pros and cons of committing suicide and researched it and i had to talk for 10 minutes afterwards about the steps i was taking to help combat it but like i was legit scared to tell her in case she made me go into inpatient care lmao and this brings me to pt 4

4) theres like nothing here LMAOOOOOOO like no books at either library about stopping suicidal thoughts or helping depression or about family estrangement. I had to order books from different libraries to get something and theres a few that i got from the Libby app but like wtf lmao and theres no events during christmas and every volunteer thing? either i gotta fill out an application and do training which who knows how long thatll take or i need a car. Like there legit isnt anything here i did so much looking lmao like i have my hobbies but that wont make me leave the house

i talked to a professor about this shit too and he understands and stuff and told me to hit him up during break if i feel isolated but like I FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY FOR EVEN BREATHING LMAO LIKE WHAT hes got shit to do too and i know he has research going on so like doubt it

5) im gonna die alone at this pt and i know thats mad dramatic and also probably false but im like so conflicted about everything i feel with my gender and dating

like every time i like a man im like wow if i was a girl, this wouldnt be a problem and like being cis has more privileges than being trans but i know last time i dated in the closet it wasnt a good time SO

and every time i like a girl, im like she prob wont see me as a man or will be disappointed in my body or transition

and like no matter who im interested in, the same thought is always “they prob dont see me as a man and will misgender me, even unintentionally” like i know people who dont even know my birth name and have known my pronouns as he/him AND THEY STILL GET IT WRONG LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN DO ANYMORE TATTOO IT ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD 

theres a guy i currently like, whos so sweet like theres one incident that happened that i had me thinking damn.... hope hes into guys and single..... and like its kept me up thinking “oh man hes definitely str8 this fucking sucks if i was a girl i would probably have a shot” but like every time i toy with the idea of detransitioning (not in a serious way, but just like casually thinking of a scenario) my mind physically rejects it and is like “motherfucking do u wanna go back to THOSE shitty feelings??? really??? it was worse before!!” and i will definitely get over this crush, like im just lonely and its cuffing season, but it fucking sucks in the meantime like i feel like i cant date because im too nervous and scared to!!! im so scared they wont think im a man and i know thats not every person but like Jesus its enough that its a good possibility

6) this part is sad but i think i have to stop talking to my sister or at least give her limited info bc shes having her parents contact me through her and im not giving them shit so...

like she just texted asking when id be home and for the millionth time (BC NO ONE LISTENS TO ME) i said i wasnt going home, im never going home, stop asking and i know that its them asking her to ask me and they can honestly fuck themselves

like these are all problems that have solutions and i know the solutions but like im so tired of it lol im tired of having to deal with my family situation, im tired of being ignored and interrupted and not taken serious and having to explain my boundaries over and over and over again, im tired of not being able to talk to people for fear of getting hospitalized or interrupted or pushed onto meds, im tired of not having resources, im so tired of it all. Im so sick of being suicidal and not even being able to get out of bed and having to deal with being depressed and anxious and chronically ill fuck all of it

legitimately had to make a list of shit i could do over break so that i feel like i cant hurt myself until i finish it bc thats how my shit brain works. like i dont want to die but i also just dont want to deal with this anymore and i know itll get better in time but jesus fucking christ its been 8 damn years when does it actually get fully fucking good? its gotten better but more shit keeps coming up like yea i started hormones but now i dont have a fucking family anymore. 

Even if i didnt have this list i wouldnt do it bc 1) i dont want to do that to my closest friend and 2) im helping someone get out of an abusive situation. She has like no support, just one cousin whos there for her, but he doesnt have resources for her. Ive been listening to her and validating her and making sure she knows that a) this is the type of shit abusers do and b) shes not fucking crazy for thinking certain things!!! she really isnt and i get it so much so ive been gently giving her contacts from the beginning to help her and she finally left and is in a really delicate place. So like not exactly the best thing for me to suddenly be gone and id feel terrible if she had no one there for her

anyway this was a long post that can basically be summed up as i really want to fucking kill myself but i wont but also im suffering a lot

[sluuuug]

LOOOONG too long post abt dumb shit bc i can never like say actual things to ppl w out feeling weird so the relative anonymity of the internet is like Hot to me

i rly dont wanna go back to ny for so many reasons and it’s super sad n i feel like im disappointing everyone around me. i think even if i leave i’ll probably go back for my phd/mfa which makes me feel slightly better about it but like im just doing so badly recently? i think?? like im trying to be proactive abt getting help and going to therapy or whatever even though i fucking hate that but it’s really just so hard for me to gauge how im actually doing w/out being like “ok is that really that big of a deal tho.. maybe ur just being a baby........” and then subsequently convincing myself of the latter and like, feeling like shit for feeling like shit lmao.. like every day i think im not doing enough and im really not by my own standards. and the things that make me happy make me feel awful and so fucking guilty even though i know they really shouldnt. like, right now i like new hampshire im not gonna lie,, and i feel horrible for it?? like it took a long time for me to even kind of admit that i like new hampshire but i like it and i think it’s a healthier place for me to be than in new york right now. like obviously there i have some good friends tht i love and care about and vice versa but im fucked up and depressed and scared almost all the time and i really don’t connect with like 70% of the ppl i know. and even when i say that im like “well why dont you try harder to make those connections and actively seek out more opportunities for yourself” and that literally repeats in my head all the time and i just cant fucking do it and it makes me feel like im failing CONSTANTLY in every aspect of my life. i felt weird but like really like happy and ok when i was walking around the unh campus thinking abt getting an apartment with lauren or nathan and just doing my thing for a while and it was almost immediately overshadowed by guilt once again lmao. im really scared of what i might do to myself if i have another bad couple nights/days like i did a few weeks ago because i know if i die it would be extremely selfish to everyone who loves me but that’s really the only thing that stops me sometimes and depending on how bad im feeling it can be a really weak defense. i wish i could actually talk about this stuff in person with my friends and my parents because i know they deserve to know whats up with me but i literally cannot bring myself to answer their questions when they ask me. like hearing my dad basically pleading w me to take care of myself and stop punishing myself and focus on my health and seeing my mom crying and trying to like keep her anxiety under control and trying to make me pinky swear i won't hurt myself??? it absolutely fucking wrecks me and like it’s not fair that he should have to say those things to me or she should have to feel like that. i feel very loved but i feel like i dont deserve that love from them and i hate that people i make ppl worry about me bc they dont deserve it and im so so sorry to them. i truly wish they didnt know anything and i wish i was better and i hope i get better for them and also because like it’s super fucking weird to be so ambitious but also have like 0 will to live most of the time. unrelated but i drank too much vodka and puked at my friend’s house and he got me water and took care of me and stuff and like I KNOW thats just the decent thing any nice person would do but i thought he’d like draw shit on my face or something if i was ever like puking level drunk around him (which was a dumb assumption but like i dont think many ppl actually legitimately care abt me) but like i was wrong obviously and i just love him a lot im lucky to have ppl like that in my life. im gonna keep trying i guess.

[bibbleboo]

not to alarm anyone im prob fine cuz lbr if im still here by now im prob never gonna do it but ohhh4hjh5j4hj54 the s/ui thoughts lately lads. the ‘literally no aspect of existing in any way in this universe feels worth it even a little bit’ thoughts. ive been in this depression for like prob over a year now btw its just coming in big up and down waves and lately its been . real bad. mostly bc i didnt wanna bring it up bc its one of those 'i have no way out of this situation so whining abt its gonna make me feel guilty and hopeless and wont improve my state of mind in the slightest so why bother' but. might as well idk

i take care of my sisters kids like a literal fuckin cinderella from the minute i wake up (8 ish) till 2 am. this was not our plan. when i moved in i was supposed to pay for my share of bills and my own food and work on learning adult shit and how to take care of myself. instead im doing genuinely 50% or . frnakly M O R E of the hands on caretaker work. often by myself while she smokes weed and hangs out. im not joking when i say i have almost no free time. the free time i get is too unpredictable to make productive. its nearly 6 am rn as i type this. i get 3-5 hours of sleep a night, bc she wakes me up early, and goes to bed late, and if i have anything i need to do, i have to stay up a few hours later than her. she wittled my boundaries into this like everybody in my life always does when they need shit from me. and this means i cant take care of myself bc im disabled and like. im not allowed to be. nobody can do it anymore ig so im tryna figure out how or if i can take care of myself but. i have been begging to be given even just the opportunity for independence for Y E AR S but im constantly roped into filling other family members needs instead. so i quite fucking literally do not have MOMENTS of time to work on this. im stagnated, i was never given the chance to take care of myself bc i was stuck in this, so. she still has to do (most of) shit stuff like drive me around and cook dinner and clean and call my drs and get groceries and bro like i KNOW thats hard. but ive expressed before, 'either u take care of ur own kids and i fill my responsibilities so we’re both just taking care of our own shit we should already take care of, or it stays the same swinging pendulum bc i literally dont have the capacity to balance this'. 

ive been running on fucking empty for years dude. i didnt know it was POSSIBLE to feel This exhausted and hollowed and drained. its pure misery. i feel like my spirit is being siphoned. i feel like nothing anymore. im running on fumes and have been for years ive BEGGED all of my family all thsi time please fucking let me catch my breath i literally truly cannot do this. and im told im in debt and have to for having needs. im always gonna be in debt. im not allowed to ask for more than i can give back so if i cant manage that too bad so sad. so im. literally stuck in this hopeless fucking cycle of being needy and burning ymself out from guilt. 

and we’ve talked abt it before like im already bitter abt this shit right and she KNOWS its killing me. but. the other day . i got so sick from bronchitis i had to go to the er and spent days doing almost nothing but sleeping and coughing right. i was so fucking sick i felt like i could pass out and i couldnt breathe. i was no exaggeration sickest id been since i had swine flu. and she . told me i had to watch her kids so she could go pick up my antibiotic. which i understand but she got mad when at first i said i didnt know if i could. and i cant. help that. but the next morning i had the strength . so i sat there with the kids barely holding on while she got them. she came back. i went to go back to bed. she literally tried to force her kid into my hands dude. i put my foot down bc she outright only asked for me to do that until she got back and also why would she expect. a sick person whos Medicine shes going to pick up would be in the state to take care of her children immediately after. i legit couldnt do that. and then she threw the biggest text tantrum at me over it. saying 'adults still have to do things when theyre sick' and how i dont do enough and she said it was like having a third child and it. ngl kinda broke me a little like lmao ! girl ive been SLAVING FOR YOUUU PPL THAT I TELL ABT THIS SITUATION THINK UR A FUCKING >>>JOKE<<<< THE WAY U GOT ME PICKING UP UR SLACK and ur telling me im over here literally more worn out and broken than i thought was possible for a human being and its. nowhere near enough for you. like i thought this was unbalanced but in a different way YOU actually think it skews to YOUR side..... bro is it ever gonna be enough then lmao?? am i ever gonna be allowed to live debt free???

its just. to realize im over here grinding myself into dust when truly nobody is going to care. theres never gonna be a moment where they sit back and realize what ive sacrificed, literally all the health i have in me short of dying, all the spirit i have, im utterly broken inside and out just so i didnt have to see them suffer. and they got what they wanted so they hardly care. i mean shes so used to this, she felt ENTITLED to my help with it. she literally just automatically views these kids as partly my responsibility...... i cried all fucking day abt that dude. im trying so hard to live a happy life where i take care of myself, am not a burden, and not a slave either. why. is this my life. literally what did i do WRONG. to be constantly treated this way over and over and over again. why am i so irresistible to take advantage of why am i in this cycle how do i get out of it why is every choice too hard will i literally Ever find happiness in this like. doom! dread! i exist to be used abused and losed ! one day ill be homeless and wont know how to cope bc i was too busy fixing everybody else and i wont know how to maintain myself bc i wasnt allowed to learn !! life is a prison a nd idk how to do it anymore!! oh and ofc not to mention, i literally love these kids more than anything else and despite the suffering theyre fullstop the only thing keeping me alive, and i think that Would be the thing to legit make me k/ms if i couldnt see them ever again no way around it id never get through that so. that also has me stuck. lmfao. tldr; life sucks. pain. misery even

[sam-windrose]

On the aesthetic vs. discipline debate

There’s something that has been bothering me in the bujo community and it has more to do with the way people address things, rather than with the fact that they do. I am an extremely busy, exhausted, multitasking student and activist with an anxiety disorder that has only just started to not dominate my life completely. My anxiety has made me believe that if a single hour goes unproductive it is wasted and I should feel bad. I have given myself a total of 4 days of break during the holidays and I kept shaming myself for not passing my free time “productively” during them. Given that, I understand and RELATE with the argument that yes, of course spending much time to make your bullet journal look pretty might not always help increase your productivity. Discipline is what will make you more productive, not aesthetic. Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely agree that no one should be pressured into thinking that the bujo they’ve started for themselves and them only should respond to any kind of perfection - and budget because oh my god are most stationery used unaffordable af - standards, and this should never apply any pressure to people in the community. I am all for better representation and diversity in bujo styles without having to compete to what is considered to be perfection by the majoroty, esp bc you bujo FOR YOU. The issue is that most posts I’ve seen against aesthetic perfection have been shaming in their phrasing a drive for aesthetics that might feel like a stress relief activity for many of us. Let me elaborate. As I mentioned before, I have bad anxiety and self esteem issues, and I’ve mercilessly pushed myself to burnout before. Let me clear something up: burnout SUCKS so don’t romanticize it, ever. It makes you incapable of ever enjoying what you do for months afterwards. You feel like there’s no choice but quitting. Given all that, when I first started spending 4 and 5 blissful consecutive hours on my bujo as the self care i had sorely needed for months, I naturally also started shaming myself and feeling extremely guilty for not doing something actually PRODUCTIVE. Because yeah, let’s face it, sticking images from my tumblr for a couple of hours isnt what my thesis supervisor would have considered as productive. The thing is, I needed that desperately. Bujoing, to this day, helps me so much to cope with my mental illness and gives me IMMENSE happiness, so much that I often feel I dont deserve it. Posts that are reminding me i’m not being productive enough for once again are doing nothing to help with my guilt and self-beating-up. If bujoing isnt working in terms of productivity for a person, sooner or later they’ll find out and stop doing it themselves. Please dont belittle and shame people’s creative outlet for their stress, emotion and art by saying that “let me break it to y'all what u need is discipline” because most of our studyblrs are already run by perfectionist overachiever students as young as 14 who may forget to take care of themselves and may already push themselves too hard. Also,discipline is an ableist concept that certainly cannot be demanded from a person with adhd, anxiety, depression etc. so please consider. You cant ask me to live with discipline when sometimes its hard to even get out of bed or when Im already working myself sick bc otherwise i feel unworth of appreciation and love. Thank you for reading!

[jrbalufbfnzl]

I slept late yesterday n woke up at 9h30 bc my mom ws spamming my phone. I have to text wishes for my fam bc their granddad died and go to the pharmacy. Slept from 1 till almost 10 and didnt feel tired when i woke up. Ill try n b productive today im gna take my pills n walk the dogs. I also have to finish mty sisters drawing n listen to all her memos

I need to cut my hair i cannot stand the sensation

Thinking about having more tats n being anxious bout it for some reason

Ill try to be strong n turn away from food and hopefully as well ill be able to exercise but no food at ALL today sounds grear to me but no pills and no sleeping all day bc it ruins the mood

Didnt wake n bake but didnt meditate, im lazy to meditate thismorn. Been hanging on my phone for a lil more than an hour so ill just go out n do my stuff now

My dogs off her medication today i hope shell getbetter i cannot deal w the stress of her having a chronical serous disease.

I scratched my ears until they bled n couldnt hezr well yesterday

UPDATE : i managed to walk yhe first dog and fed both of em. Im waiting for my pills to kick to walk the second one. It was a struggle to get something non triggering to eat and im trying to wait as much as possible to eat. Days are fucking short anyways and ill xhabge my password and lockdown uvereats to not order some tonight maybe. Ill try and sleep early and stay strong and also get ready to see peeps and maybe feel a lil bit better but also i wanna stay alone. I cried a bit bc im ashamed to be so paralysed at 25 time is running fast and hezlth as well and the fall could be terrible idk. I felt anxious to walk both of the dogs at the same time or evenbto vring them to the parc or go to the pharmacy even tho its 5mins away n its kind of a nice walk. My stomach and intestine hurts tho. I hope ill manage to go to the pharmacy n exercise today n shave my hair n meditate and finish my sisters drzwing. Its not that much

UPDATE 2 : its 30 to 7 and i managed to cut my hair and walk the two dogs once. I feel zncious about walking them a second time but ill make it feed them then take them out.

My best friend made a post sayin that knowing otger people dezl w the same stuff as her is rezsuring so i ferl less guilty of "making it about me all the time" bc thats rly not what im trying to do and my bf told me i wzs incapable of listening so i guesd it fucked up my self apreciation.

Sometimes i feel like my bf is the only thing in his world and i also feel like its giod for him but at the same time i feel like im wrong znd im the one taking toi mych space. I have 0 sense of whats real and whats not and as soin as im thinkin ab smth that is not invalidating to me i kind of gaslight myself into thinking otherwise znd remarks my bf made repeatedly in the past arent helping. I have to finish my sistets drzwing walk the dogs n exercise. Today i felt anxious multiple times and wasnt really able to get out of bed. I didnt meditate first thing in the morning either whoch i shouldve. Im gonna try my psycholoist tomorrow to take another apt bc i missed the last one. I feel like a failure. Good thing is im not hubgry at all bc of aderall and stress so thats cool. Ill try ti go to the pharact tomorrow as well but even thibking about livin another dy and having stuff t do makes me rly anxious i feel incapable of having a routine.

Update 3 : did the drawing, hate it and i dont have my mind up to that. Esp sibce the dezdline is so close and i feel like my sisters work ethic is so abusive and self centered that i just dont have fuel to turn her idea into smth cooler and add detzils or a personal touch. I just dobt want to experiment w it and i hate doing it and it shows. I walked my first dog for the second time fed them both gave the last pill to my second dog abd im about to walk her out now. I feel shitty about my day.

Today my ideal me :

Wouldve woke up meditate exercise and took care of the dogs in a whistle withiut thinking to avoid building up unecessary anxiety and have the drawing done by thr end of the morning and went to the dog park and pharlacy afterwards anf make music.

If someone saw me from an outside perspective :

I think they would think that my depression is quite invalidating and that im just letting myself down completely

Today i did :

Nothing consistent but i feel like i did my best within my possivilities and i went above my lack of motivation to draw and rakr care of the dogs

I felt :

Down empty and dead anxious and tired.

I ate :

Two biscuits and a bubble tea

Tomorrow i'll :

Try to meditate and exercise and feed the dogs and get ready for what its worth and go out a little abd go to the pharmacy abd call my shrink and try to get sum weed even tho i shouldnt but the anciety is too much

Im grateful for :

Having the strenght to write stuff down znd maybe itll be the start of a routine

My shrink being so lame she accepted that i get surgery

The dogs remiding me that i rly shouldnt br like my parents and helping me reflec and remember on abuse and stuff