#i feel so guilty and ashamed of my regression..

[floatinginlilspace]

shout out to the tiny kiddos who don't regress due to childhood trauma - but instead because of present day triggers !!

(like everyday stress, anxiety, depression, overwhelm, ect.) !

[purrrtasticsnake]

Jake

Imagine: Jake as your sub:

Pairing: sub!Jake x femdom!reader

Warning: slight smut, BDSM themes, petplay

(This is a repost, since it got removed from Wattpad. But I changed a few things because my writing style was a little too cringy, even for me).

~•~•~•~

• Puppyplay: The other members definitely already picked up on the fact that your relationship with Jake isn't usual, but he's not that ashamed about it. 

The feeling of being your pet is his biggest joy. Sometimes all he wants to do is go non-verbal and regress to a simple and playful headspace.

When he's not able to wear a collar in public, he'll wear a short neckless (or he'll secretly wear a collar under his clothes) to symbolize his relationship with you. The only time he's not wearing anything around his neck is when he's showering. 

Now, there's one thing that makes a collar even better for him: when there's a leash attached to it. Off course, you'll use it during intimate moments, but it also comes in to play when he has to wait for you. 

Before a session, you'll take a shower and tie his leash to the bathroom door. If he's been a good boy the whole, you open the door a little, so he got a nice view.

One of his biggest treats is when you take him to the forest (with barely any people) and walk him on a leash there. Most of the time he'll stand up, but it's still a really nice feeling for him (especially if you pull him a little bit roughly). And when there's someone in sight, you quickly hide the leash, so it stays a secret between the two of you.

• high protocol: Jake is a little different from most people, he thrives with rules. His day is filled with different types of rituals and habits he has to live by. 

For example; when you're with him, he's not supposed to open doors or load up his plate. You are the one who does that for him, because he's just a poor puppy.

But that doesn't mean he's lazy. You make him a to-do list for every week, and he'll make it a challenge to do everything as good as possible.

Some to-dos are chores, while others are about self-care. 

• Positive reinforcement: Being called a good boy isn't enough for him, he wants you to fully acknowledge it. While he despises punishments, he's obsessed with rewards, treats, words of affirmation, etc.

That's also why he enjoys position training a lot, because he knows you're going to praise him a lot when he does everything correctly. 

He's such a sucker for praise that during the most random moments he'll suddenly try to eat you out. He'll start off by innocently laying his head in your lap and then slowly rubbing his head against your private area. 

From there on, you'll either give into his seduction, or you'll discipline him lightheartedly.

The funny thing is that you also found out that he likes degradation and humiliation once in a while. It's his guilty pleasure, and he'll try to ignore how much it turns him on, but that act doesn't last very long. 

It all started when he was humping your leg, and you jokingly called him a dumb puppy. And all he could do was whimper, 'again...please say it again'. Obviously, you experimented further with this realization.

☆ Choosing Game: ☆

(● = his choice/preference)

1)

● rewards

○ punishments/funishments

2) 

● getting spoiled by Domme

● servicing his Domme

(He needs both)

3)

● petplay

○ ageplay

(It's basically his lifestyle)

4) 

● obedient

○ brat

5)

● praise

○ degradation

6)

● bondage

○ impact play 

7)

● exhibitionist 

○ voyeur

(He loves being naked while you are fully dressed)

8)

○ low protocol 

● high protocol

[thetinyblossom]

🌸~ Personal Agere Headcanons—

🍡~ Self indulgent —

🌸~ Fandoms — Vox Machina (Critical Role), Guilty Gear Strive, Dungeon Meshi and Arcane (League of Legends)

🍡~ Template by — @ember-owlet

Thank you so much for such a fun template/game!!!

My personal rambles + Blank template under cut!

🌸~ Template —

🍡~ Rambles—

🎲~ Vox machina —

Almost all Flips, Pike is a Caregiver/Babysitter and Grog is a Regressor, rarely taking a caregiver role and if he does is a big sibling/uncle like relationship

Vex has a caregiver lean, while Vax has more of a regressor lean (that’s why I put them in each category)

Gilmore is Vax’s papa <33 he adores Vax so much, always giving him little gifts and treats!

Percy has moments with a bigger regressor or cg lean, it’s really depending on the day

Keyleth is the clingiest girl ever, shy little bunny!

Scanlan is also a pet regressor but more infrequent, regressing to a doggy or tiger cub

🥘~ Dungeon Meshi —

Again, almost all flips lol Chilchuck is a caregiver/babysitter and Izutsumi is a age and pet regressor

Laios is a big brother cg and regresses to a puppy, dragon or any monsters he feels connected to at the moment

Falin is Marcille’s caregiver and vice-versa! (Flip4Flip)

Senshi has a caregiver lean but Chilchuck can always coax him into regressing, the whole party knows how much he needs someway to cope with his past, they are all glad to help Senshi take a break from his guardian role

🦋~ Arcane —

I haven’t watched all of Arcane, but I got hcs!!!!

Give Jinx a break!!!! Let my girl regress!!!

Vi would be the most caring caregiver to Jinx, she really wants to make up for the time she lost away from her and all the pain Jinx had to go through

Vi also regresses but is really ashamed about it, Caitlyn always needs to reassure her and tell her how much she loves taking care of her

Viktor is also a regressor (another one that needs a break)

⚙️~ Guilty Gear

Im gonna be honest, I don’t know much about the whole game lore, but I know bits of lore

Elphelt is an age (1-5 yro) and pet regressor (Bush Dog), Nagoriyuki is her caregiver <3

Nagoriyuki at first didn’t understand anything about agere but he decided to learn more about it for Elphelt’s sake, he thinks is rather cute

Slayer is soooo cg, he definitely takes care of any little one he sees, maybe even Sharon (his wife) is a regressor!

[giirlblood]

U^ｪ^U  lottie matthews agere headcanons !

link to all yellowjackets agere headcanons ^__^

nat will be referred to here with he/him prns .

a lot are self indulgent/projection bc eye am literally lottie in da flesh please be kind :<

cw(?) — a lot of my lottie headcanons revolve around vent regression . have some happy ones too but please be nice a lot of them revolve around my personal memories

i think adult!lottie is more of a caregiver than a regressor but teen!lottie is just a baby . :( <3

lottie is typically a baby/toddler regressor && a deer/puppy regressor ! her regression is involuntary && she primarily vent regresses . at first she tries to pretend to be big but she always ends up a teeny mess . lottie has been regressing since she was a child though she didn't know that was what she was doing until she was older .

lottie is the person who introduced regression to the team though it was entirely an accident . after an injury on the soccer field lottie slipped which while initially confusing the other yellowjackets ended up introducing many of them to a coping mechanism they would start to employ or that they took part in already without realizing it .

lottie's regression before the team found out about it was mostly a negative experience — she spent most of her time regressed crying or dissociated . things have gotten better since then but it is still usually a difficult experience for her .

lottie is typically nonverbal while regressed though if she's able to speak it is typically with one word sentences . she can get overwhelmed often when she wants to say something but physically can't . if words are too hard she gets frustrated && will cry . to help her feel less frustrated laura made her puppy themed communication cards !

lottie typically does not display her emotions but when she's regressed she finds it easier to display her negative emotions . she is no stranger to tantrums && typically only laura lee && nat know how to calm her down . lottie is autistic && often has meltdowns or shuts down when she is overstimulated or if she touches a bad texture or hears a bad sound .

baby deer — head butts to communicate && shakes her head a lot to stim with her "antlers". also a pup — loves head pats/scratches && pets . curious little pup — when she's in a better mood she loves to follow others around . loves to bark && nuzzle . she paws at people to get their attention && cocks her head a lot when curious or confused .

lottie was a bedwetter even before the crash . typically a nanny would take care of it but when her parents found out about it she would be punished . padded regressor which while lottie knows is for the better she feels guilty && ashamed about . she doesn't like that people know about it but she had trouble hiding it — laura especially is so sweet and patient && understanding about it . she always knows how to cheer lottie up if she has an accident && gives her extra cuddles . lottie has trouble communicating but laura always can tell when she needs help — she usually becomes extra clingy or even shyer than usual .

being called "charlotte" is a trigger for her especially when regressed . it reminds her of her father && the hospital . she often has flashbacks while regressed && laura helps her to ground herself && calm down . she always reminds lottie that it's okay to feel her feelings && to be upset .

have thoughts about after laura but too hard for me to think about at the moment ( flashbacks . :< ) so Nothing Happened because laura live forever . .. !! ! !

lottie being so infatuated with bigger regressors like mari && wanting to play sooo bad . she's too little to play properly but she loves watching && will always clap when mari wins at games or pulls a good prank . she always tries to copy mari because she looks up to her when regressed (oh how the turntables have turned) && mari pretends to be annoyed but really she loves it .

lottie typically puppy!regresses when she's in a better headspace . she can be super playful && likes to "fetch" things for her friends to be helpful . lottie loves sitting at people's feet when she's in puppy mode . she likes to bite affectionately or if she's feeling a big emotion but she needs a lot of reminders from nat not to bite too much or too hard . " ah ah , silly puppy , we don't want to hurt our friends .."

bonded with nat over having crap dads — it helps both of them when lottie regresses because it comforts nat to know he's making a difference with lot && she feels especially safe with him because he understands . lottie loves when nat puts on music or sings to her ! sometimes she's too small to understand the words but it makes both of them happy .

[msnihilist]

Hi, I just wanted to say a post you made a little while back about how in your writing you get to decide whether normally bad relationships like child/adult stuff get a happy ending actually nearly made me cry from joy. I'm plural and regression and older/younger dynamics of all kinds, platonic, romantic, and sexual happen in our system exactly for this reason. Both us and our wife's system were abused badly as kids and it has been an incredible outlet because we know that these people ARE safe, that they're not in these relationships to creep or predate on people but because they know that doing things with them occasionally is a healthy coping mechanism compared to the alternative (and also because consanguinamory rocks tbh). Basically, seeing you say that creating a world where those relationships are genuinely healthy is good for some people made us feel WAY better about some stuff we do that we would never tell anyone in our normal life about and I hope this isn't weird and doesn't make you uncomfortable but we've felt so guilty about it for a while despite knowing that it's 100000% healthy in here that seeing that made us feel so good. It felt like someone finally understood exactly how we feel. I can't go of anon or reblog that post or any response to this bc of backlash from people I know but I just wanted to say thank you for that. That changed us for the better.

You know, what's funny is, I don't personally know how you feel AT ALL. I'm not a system. I don't understand age regression. I don't have any childhood trauma I'm coping with.

I've never been there. All of my stories that reflect my own trauma have dark, grizzly endings. (My therapist recently mentioned something like that, in regards to so many of my recent projects having gaslighting as a theme.)

My unhealthy setups (I.E., incest, child/adult) that have happy endings, have them just because I think it suits the characters or the theme. Not for any trauma/coping reason.

But you know what's crazier? Even though I've never been there, I completely understand how you feel. I don't understand why antis can't. Empathy is not that hard.

I understand that stories like this give you comfort. That it helps you. That you can manufacture a situation where you feel safe, like you should have been as a child. I understand that you get something out of these stories that even I, the author, might not fully grasp.

I understand that your thoughts don't make you a bad person, and that you're so fortunate to have a spouse in the same place you are.

I hope that you continue to heal this way. I hope you can someday stop feeling shame, because you truly are not doing anything wrong. It is okay to pretend that the "adults" in this situation are safe and loving, because they really fucking should have been the first time. You deserve to feel protected. You deserve an adult who won't fail you — not this time.

You are breaking a cycle of violence and hatred, anon. Remember that. Every step down the path of healing is one step further from becoming the same people who once hurt you. Don't let anyone make you feel ashamed just because your road is a little unconventional.

[starsurface]

Hi!!! If this isn't too weird, could I request MK11 Lord Raiden regressor headcanons?? Thank you in advance! (⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)

-🦈

Hi!!! It wouldn't be weird at all!! Hope these are all okay!! :D

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Regressor Lord Raiden Hcs

⛈️ I don't really know how to label his regression into an age group?? Like, acts more toddler headspace, but thinks more like a big kid

⛈️ Is more of an age dreamer than an age regressor in my mind

⛈️ Now, thar doesn't mean he doesn't have little days where his mind feels really fuzzy and he feels really small and vulnerable

⛈️ But the problem is that he just can't fully regress, and really only has a handful of times

⛈️ He's Lord Raiden, protector of Earthrealm

⛈️ He has a job to do, what if someone attacks? What if the realm are thrown into chaos and danger because he was relaxing? What if someone got hurt? What if Shao Kahn invaded? What if-

⛈️ It usually takes someone with him in order for him to feel comfy enough to regress

⛈️ And if he doesn't have someone, he will go and search for someone because he doesn't like feeling small alone

⛈️ Mainly (only) likes Fujin being his CG because that's his brother and he knows he can depend on him

⛈️ But if Fujin is unavailable, he'll sheepishly go to Liu Kang or Kung Lao

⛈️ (^ He feels kinda guilty going to them sometimes, mostly because he's the one that took the father role for both boys, but they ADORE small Raiden so it's fine)

⛈️ They like helping Raiden feel tiny and will actively encourage him to do little activities

⛈️ Kung Lao coloring on one side of a coloring book while Raiden colors the other

⛈️ Liu Kang helping Raiden make a funky little dance because they turned some (80s) music on

⛈️ Fujin will walk in and smile at how they try to help him, it does mean a lot to both brothers

⛈️ Sometimes he'll let Nightwolf watch him when Fujin is also small because Nightwolf is Fujin's main CG

⛈️ He likes Nightwolf too, mostly because Nightwolf is really nice and gentle with him

⛈️ Otherwise isn't too good with other people watching him and almost cried when Kitana had to watch him

⛈️ (^ He ended up having a lot of fun, and an accident really good nap in her comfy bed. Which was surprising because he doesn't ever really take naps, and especially without his blankie)

⛈️ Raiden does have big fussy hissy fits some times

⛈️ Sometimes they happen because he becomes too stressed and the world is crashing down on him and everyone needs him and it's just-

⛈️ Shouting at Fujin by accident, stomping his feet, lightning showing through his eyes, tears streaming down his face as he hold onto his head-

⛈️ Usually for these ones, Fujin or you can calm him down quiet easily with a few soft words and touches, and a bunch of patience

⛈️ Yelling at him does nothing but provoke him more, and it might cause some backlash (very rare but it has happened before)

⛈️ If Raiden does end up throwing something or hiting someone, he'll either have to be moved to another room so he can calm down or the action will make him realize what he's doing

⛈️ He will shakingly apologize, feeling icky, upset, and guilty for his actions

⛈️ These types of blow ups can cause extreme little days, and a very clingy Raiden

⛈️ You've gotta communicate that this behavior is not okay, and when he's feeling this way he needs to come to you before having his meltdown so you can work things out

⛈️ Other times it's just because he's incredibly stubborn about something, and wants it NOW >:(

⛈️ Not as much crying in these hissy fits, but they're also incredibly less destructive

⛈️ They're also super easier to calm down because if you just cross your arms and give him a few minutes ans with the gentlest tone you can go say, “Raiden, baby, you okay?

⛈️ He's already feeling really really guilty for getting all fussy over some stupid candy he couldn't have

⛈️ He also feels really ashamed when he has his little tantrums

⛈️ Communication is key, and you have to remind him that just because he's a God, does not mean he doesn't have to communicate

⛈️ Luckily though, while the little tantrums aren't uncommon, they're also definitely not common (unless he's breaking down and regressing)

⛈️ (^ He's also getting . . . somewhat better on regressing more often and not putting all his work in front of regressing, jts just hard sometimes)

⛈️ Other than these two reasons, he's actually an extremely good and well mannered little

⛈️ Doesn't like getting yelled at, doesn't like getting punished, and unless he reeeeeeally wants it can usually take no as an answer to something

⛈️ He also just really likes the praise he gets by being good

⛈️ Please praise this man, he's had such a stressful day, tell him he's doing a good job and that he makes you so proud, please? 🥺

⛈️ Once terrified himself into fully regressing when he was already feeling little and accidentally summoned two extra lightning bolts while trying to show off to Liu Kang (like his MK9 Babality)

⛈️ Liu Kang felt so terrible because at first Raiden looked all proud of himself, and then he was on the ground full on sobbing and hiding in a ball

⛈️ Any kind of thunder usage was banned from little Raiden after that

⛈️ The monks are . . . supportive of Raiden's regression, but most don't understand that he can't do his big kid work right now and they'll have to come back later

⛈️ ^ He swears he can though, and it'll usually end up with him getting incredibly frustrated and pouting in bed intensity (although no hissy fit, he's trying not to just scream and cry when he gets upset)

⛈️ Doesn't have many regression items, but has a blanket that he likes having with him

⛈️ It's a pretty big blanket too, since he's almost 7 ft, and was a gift from Fujin when Fujin first tried getting Raiden to regress

⛈️ Unfortunately, if he sees his blankie, it has to go everywhere with him (and he will gladly try to carry it all in his arms, or just drag it behind him)

⛈️ What do you mean he can't bring it outside? He can!! He very much can, he'll just drag it!!!

⛈️ . . . It won't get dirty if he drags it on the grass, just let him bring it >:(

⛈️ (^ Spoiler alert, it does get dirty, and he gets very upset about the entire scenario)

⛈️ Why didn't you tell him it was going to get dirty? Now it's in the washer and he can't take nap time without it!! This is all your fault, making him live by his own consequences 🥺

⛈️ Don't worry, he'll just have to cuddle up to you instead, it's all fine

⛈️ . . . Or it would be, if he wasn't 7 ft cuddle bug

⛈️ He'll feel too self conscious to sit in your lap, but will happily snuggle against your side!! (Or have you sit on his lap so he can bear hug you, you are not moving for at least an hour)

⛈️ Doesn't actually take nap time, but does really like cuddling in bed and pretending to take nap time

⛈️ Favorite little nicknames are Rai, Kiddo, Sweetheart, Baby, Kid Thunder (I thought it was funny-), and Little Guy

⛈️ Not NOT call him Mr. Grumpy, Kung Lao called him it once and he hates it!! He is not grumpy!! >:(

⛈️ Also doesn't really like nicknames related his godhood, it just reminds him of all the things he still has to do

⛈️ One of his favorite activities is sitting down and kicking his feet, it's also an indication that he's feeling small

⛈️ Also really likes just watch Koi Fish swim around in their little ponds, he thinks they're pretty and has named them all :3

⛈️ What does Grandmaster Hasashi mean that all his fishies already have names? No, that one's name is Blubber!! 🥺

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I didn't mean to make these so . . . sad, I promise. (I love giving angst to God like characters-)

[doe-eyed-dreamr]

Just going to use this post to be sad for a second so scroll if you need to honey <3

Having a chronic illness and regressing sucks.

I think maybe things would be a little easier if I had a caregiver and that just makes me sad. I have friends who know about my regression but they're generally only available over the phone and lots of things I struggle with are physical.

On the flipside, I don't know that I'll ever find someone to be little with that I don't feel guilty about. I'm always so ashamed of "wasting their time" and "being too needy" and even though finding a community on here has made me more confident in my regression those feelings are so hard to ignore.

Not sure anyone will read this and that's totally okay - I just needed to get my feelings out so I can try to move past them ┐(‘ ～`;)┌

[thatonedeadkiddo]

It could be confusing but It's actually not that difficult to understand. SFW Caregiver/little or SFW asexual agere is all about self-regressing or being regressed to any age (teenager to toddler and anything in between) without the element of sex at all, and without the BDSM. That community is more exclusive because the "adult" element is nonexistent. The DD/lg and its various combinations (any gender or orientation applies, using "little girl" just as an example) involves sex or CNC power exchange (mostly sexual but it can also be about bondage and kidnapping without sex). It's not as "innocent" as the former group, but sometimes identifiers do overlap. You can belong to both communities at the same time if you are into the latter. You can feel curious about sex some of the time or all the time. You can have sexual desires and still be a little or a baby without feeling guilty or ashamed or distressed. Indeed, according to recent research by the WHO, some kids develop sexually faster than others. I personally don't agree but I am not an expert. I do remember that my grandmother used to tell my mom, when I was always 4 years old, that I exhibited slutty behavior. I was very offended to find out she had said that about me but maybe she saw something in me that I did not know about because I lacked perspective. In your specific case, since you are being recreated, it is a problem, because without a past we have no future. We must all have the past as a frame of reference. Pretending there was no past could cause severe disorientation. Walking away from what you used to be, instead of organically integrating all the facets of your identify into one personality, could eventually lead to identity crisis. Maybe it seems like a lot of fun right now, but it could raise a lot of issues later. Don't be so eager to get rid of your old self, who you may discover you are missing. Both communities can be healing and helpful, depending on the people who participate in the community. Safety is not a guarantee in any community (virtual and in real life) simply because it is comprised of individuals. Just because they are "like-minded people", with similar emotional needs and past traumas, does not mean that all people are respectful or kind, or more importantly, decent and truthful. I have been around these communities long enough to recognize the bad rotten apples. In fact, throughout over 5 years on Tumblr, in both BDSM and asexual agere arenas, I have witnessed so many people get angry and disappointed of different community "leaders" and instructors. Some even felt betrayed. Some were. It is perfectly fine to not to be "classified" as anything. Terminology never created reality anyway. Just be who you are, do more of what makes you happy, enjoy your comfort zone, your safe space, live in your own truth, and worry less or not at all about what others think. There is no "one size that fits all".

hii,

im sorry but since its in anon i cant reply to u directly even if me doesnt want dat kind of things (bdsm or else) in me tumblr tbh so me hopes u gonna read day today like dat me can delete it after huh ;;

so : i dnt understand ur ask, genuinely. i know ze difference between everythin, never talk abt ze fact dat me doesnt know nd also u r actually wrong bc there r adults who r literally caregivers… like itz makin no sense.. me ask somethin abt dat so i dnt understand why u r sayin all those weird stuff to me.. itz makin me very uncomfortable.. me never said me wants to talk abt dat i just posted somethin abt feelin guilty as a child to hav those thoughts even if me knows dat is normal for kids actually..

also.. i will not say anythin abt ur childhood bc triggered me own stuff but sorrey for u, fr. no one as to sexualize a child thatz as easy as dat, never ok to do so. anyways pleaz next time ask before trauma dumping to me, im not alwayz ok it.. ;;

regardin me own experience thankie but no it’s not a lot of fun neither dangerous or else, u just saw what me wrote so dat me father iz molding me but itz way much more zan dat, me diary doesnt contain everythin bc like.. i mean itz normal. but actually people traumatizin me as an undiagnosed child destroy meself nd turn me into an high maskin autistic person, me had actually an hard to figured out who me waz bc of it, so no. nd also im gonna to disclose it bc it explain also a lot even if i dnt want to talk abt it : i dnt recall almost 80% of me life bc of trauma response so past doesnt matter to me fr, i cant rely on dat nd ive never been dat happy (nd bad at ze same time) zan now dat me iz finally learnin to let go thanks to me dad nd me friend, he nd her r helpin a lot so everythin is safe thankie.

once again : never mention adult stuff like s*x or anythin wivout ze consent of me dad or mine, dnt trauma dump wivout tw or askin as well.. pleaz. im smart yee, i understand dat me isnt ze stereotypical kid bc i never waz actually but im still a child.. so if u want to talk to an adult this iznt ze right place for it here ;;

have a nice day !

[sensitiveuser]

Special post : Sadness, despair, shame, guilt... :'(

I'm not used to expressing my emotions in public. I have no intention of playing the victim.

I am writing you (from my university) a special (and purely subjective) post in which I only express my anger, my sadness, my anguish and my despair...

This evening, the perpetrators of the genocide are meeting in Paris... What a shame that I don't live in Paris, otherwise I would have liked to disrupt this gala of shame... The same goes for the France-Israel football match... Before accusing me of anything, know that I do not intend to use violence in my most cherished fights (in any case, I do not have the physical strength for that...). All my support to the comrades who are mobilizing for the boycott, and who are, on a daily basis, victims of defamation and political and media lychology...

As for me, every day, every evening, every night, I do nothing but think about the situation in Palestine and Lebanon. My brothers and sisters, I have never forgotten you, and I will never forget you...

Am I depressed? Having always been honest, my answer is "yes". Am I ashamed? Yes, I am ashamed. And I feel guilty, enormously (especially when people ask me for help, and I am unable to do so due to lack of sufficient resources)

I had managed to get back on my feet, after having had a series of bad tests in 2020-2021. However, I dare to say it on Tumblr: 2024 is a rotten year (I can no longer watch my language, and my epilepsy + lamictal make me regress in this area, both orally and in writing ... I have lost all optimism ...

Thank you to all those who have liked me since October 10...

Sincerely <3

Goodbye <3

[shyheartfawn]

Hi!! Just saw your post about your partner telling you to "get rid of agere" and I'm so so sorry about it. However, you know you don't have to get rid of a part of yourself because of another person, yeah?

Even if he's your partner... it feels wrong that he doesn't accept a part of you and he wants you to change because it makes >him< uncomfortable. You could try to explain to him again another time, saying you can still be partners and agere it's just your healthy coping mechanism. It's part of who you are, you know?

Be proud of who you are, little one. You should be treated with maximum respect, and please, never stop being who you are. Wish you the best, kiddo <3

Thank you very much.

Its given me a lot to think about tbh. I told him I am not okay with getting rid of it and that we can compromise by me not doing it around him, but ultimately im starting to feel unhappy with not being able to be myself around my own partner i guess. Even trying to regress on my own I now feel ashamed and guilty and weird. And so there is much to think about. I dont know

thank you again kind stranger !!

[keroppipond]

i dbein regresy is hard sometimes... i feel ashamed of it lots abd like a burdem... especially when my cargiver isnt around i feel really bad and guilty and alone

its hard cus i didnt wanna ageslide tonight but no matter how hard i tried to i couldnt not and im tryin not to be anxious

our partner hasn been able to stay up as late as we have eiter ... usually age regress makes us more tired but toda my chst is all tight and i feel scared n lonely an like im bad because im little

its so hard cus most of our frines arent okay talkin to littles an thats ok.. but mm... or they dont know how an thats ok too i just... i just... whys it so hard?? 

nnn i cant get too mad at myself for bein little or havin trouble slepins though or i will jus not be able to sleep and i will be anxious an is not good

i feel scared.... i feel like (DID system/alter talk) i feel like i dont noody needs me and im scared

[queercowpoke]

Major Stranger Things 4 part 2 spoilers!!!

Okay, I have major complaints so if you don't want to hear anything negative don't read anymore. These are just my personal thought and opinions I don't want to make anyone feel bad for liking the show or feel like you have to share my opinions.

1. Eddie

God they really did Eddie wrong that last episode. Eddie is a wonderful character that we only just started to scratch the surface on. But they killed him off in the weirdest most pointless way. We'd had some context for him "running away" and feeling ashamed of it, but no real character reason for why. He couldn't have done anything for Chrissy so why does he feel guilty about it? It feels like that part of his character wasn't fully fleshed out and was just put in there to give him a reason to run into danger. And worst of all, there was NO REASON for him to run into danger. When he and Dustin were climbing back into the real world the bats were still chasing them, there was no sign that they would have returned to the house. And then when he was on the bike leading them away there was NO REASON for him to turn around and try and fight them. He was doing what he was supposed to! He was leading them away. I just don't understand, it felt like he was acting suicidal. Which if that was the intention it wasn't handled well at all. I'm just so disappointed. I loved Eddie as a character and really wanted him to survive. But if they were going to kill him off he deserved a better death. Finally it's strange to me how no one in the crew but Dustin has acknowledged Eddies death. Dustin was not the only member of the Hellfire club, and he wasn't the only person who had bonded with Eddie. Why did this kid not receive any support or comfort from Steve who has basically been his older brother for the past 3 seasons? Anyway the only thing that made this palatable at all was Gatens amazing acting. The way his lip quivered when Dustin told Eddies Uncle what happened had me sobbing. Eddies death also had me sobbing, but not in a good way.

2. Nancy

I am famous for not liking how media portrays romantic relationships and this is a great example of a character whose romantic arc I hate. I've come to love Nancy as a character and I'm so disappointed with how her romance is continuously handled. This love triangle has gone on for SO LONG its getting ridiculous, it was overplayed in season 1 let alone season 4. I have lots I could say about it but it would take too much time so here's the basics. Johnathan and Nancy have grown apart and are very different people, he's not being honest with her and that is a sign their relationship is not in a good place. He needs to buck up and tell her he doesn't want to go to the same college. That whole plot point this season was so boring and needless. Steve being hung up on Nancy when they've done so much character growth on him is a disservice to his character. I honestly wasn't mad about the Steve goes on a bunch of dates in search of real connection plot, I thought it was cute and an indication of how Steve has changed and what he wants. I even thought the whole, I dream of having six kids and taking them places thing was super sweet and reinforces the caring person Steve has become. But I think it regressed his character arc and makes him one dimensional for him to believe Nancy is the only woman he'll ever love or whatever. They dated in highschool, they were kids, of course they're going to change and grow and be different after that. I really feel like the Duffers are allergic to anyone in their show being single. Or anyone in their show moving on from their "true love". Nancy would be so much better off being single for a while and not hung up on boys from highschool. She's a big fish in a small pond but when she goes off to college she could easily find someone who she really clicks with. She doesn't need to be in a relationship for her character to be interesting.

3. Mike

Another character that suffers from the Duffers inability to allow anyone to be single. At this point his whole character is being Els boyfriend and it sucks. He's become so one dimensional and repetitive. His speech to El when she's fighting Vecna was so strange and completely untrue. He loved her from the moment he saw her? They were kids! And he didn't know her! Love is something that builds and grows, he could have said he loved her when - insert anythything about her as a person - and it would have been so much more meaningful. Mike is possessive and weird about El. He feels like he can't live without her, can't loose her. Someone needs to sit him down and explain to him that that's not love thats codependency. Its common for kids in love to feel like its the only love they'll ever have and its the end of the world when it ends but thats when a parent needs to step in to help kids navigate their first relationship, breakup, etc. Mike is so blindly focused on El he missed Will crying right in front of him. Even if Mikes too oblivious to realize what Will was confessing to him, the fat that he didn't even notice his friend was upset was so unrealistic and frustrating. Mike can't possibly be the heart of the group when he has the emotional intelligence of a pickle. If anything Will is the heart, he's sensitive and sweet and kind.

Those are my main complaints for this season. I'm sure I'll have more thoughts on things later but I had to get some stuff off my chest about this before I exploded.

[giirlblood]

fuzzy ( ~ 1k words )

not feeling well mentally or physically especially after the election results so not sure when i will be able to write something new / get to the lovelies in my inbox so i thought i would post something older... i am really nervous about posting this because it's very self indulgent && based around some of my personal experience but my lovey buddy encouraged me to so i'm being a brave pup && doing it anyway .. ໒꒰ྀི˶˃ᆺ˂˶꒱ྀི১

n e ways i am number one cate dunlap enthusiast ( && she is literally me ) so .. erm hai

summary : baby cate dunlap, an exploration of her regression && the complexities of her relationship with shetty

tags / warnings : angsty , hurt comfort , vent regression used to cope , brief allusion to sh , involuntary Trauma regression , multi-part ( hopefully ) , sfw agere , baby!cate , mama!shetty

Cate was accustomed to feeling fuzzy. Ever since she was nine years old her mind had done a strange thing. Whenever the memories got to be too much, when she couldn’t handle the guilt, the shame, the hurt she had caused, a sort of fog came over her mind and the world around her seemed to grow as she became smaller. This was only metaphorically - unlike Emma her physical size never changed but she felt different. She felt tiny and childlike. She was just an itty bitty little thing like she had been Before she had discovered what she could do. Her mind brought her back to a time when she was loved, when she was too small to be anything other than perfect - her parents’ little bundle of joy.

Oftentimes everything seemed too big and she spent her time in this headspace in tears or feeling largely frightened. She felt helpless, she felt ashamed but a part of her recognized that this was her brain’s way of helping her. At least when she felt tiny she felt too small to do all of the bad things she wanted to do to herself. It was different but it helped. She knew there was nothing she could do to control it, a fact that scared her but a fact nonetheless.

It was hard to feel so tiny and to be all by herself. Over the years she had grown used to it yet she ached for the soft touch of her mother, her sweet whispers soothing little Cate as she cried, her gentle fingers wiping away her baby’s tears. She dreamed of her father singing her to sleep as he rocked his little daughter in his arms, kissing her forehead as she drifted off to sleep safe and warm.

It had almost been too much when Shetty had come to speak with her for the first time. That fuzzy feeling clouded Cate’s brain and she wanted to sob when she saw her mother’s stone cold face, heard her warnings to keep her distance from the girl. How she longed to crawl into her mother’s arms. She wanted to tell her how sorry she was, how guilty she had felt for nearly a decade. Not one day had gone by where she hadn’t thought about it. God, she just wanted someone to forgive her.

And Dean Shetty had. She’d looked at Cate with kind eyes as she assured her that she was not to blame for what had happened. Cate had been confused. Of course it had been her fault. She told the woman this and instead of being angry she’d looked sympathetic. She had offered the blonde girl a hug and God did Cate need a hug. 

Shetty took the girl into her arms, wrapping her in a hug. A good solid one that made Cate burst into tears immediately, her mind clouding over the rest of the way.

She’d tried to fight it - how could she let a stranger into something so secret, so shameful, so personal. It was no use however. Fighting it made her tired and she was already so exhausted. So she cried and she cried. She let the older woman hold her for as long as she wanted to. When the woman pulled away Cate couldn’t look at her. A part of her felt afraid. She was afraid of judgement, of anger. She was afraid of how small she felt and most of all she was afraid to go back to being alone.

“Look at me, Cate.” Shetty’s voice was soft but firm. Cate did as she was told, sniffling and wiping at the tears still streaming down her face. “How would you like to come with me, darling?” She cried even harder. She wasn’t sure what she wanted.

“Shhhhhh,” the woman soothed her. “Hush now, darling. You’re okay now, Cate, you’re okay.” Cate was quiet yet she felt at last like she had found someone she could feel safe with. She was overwhelmed. She didn’t know what she could do aside from cry. So she did. She cried until she had no more tears left to cry. Still the woman wasn’t angry with her. This perplexed Cate. Shouldn’t she be angry?

When Shetty spoke again her voice was kind. “There, now. Have you gotten it all out?” She chuckled a little. Cate didn’t see what was funny. She nodded - she felt far too tiny to speak aloud. “Good, that’s good. My goodness, you must be tired.” Cate whined. She was.

“I’d take that as a yes.” She chuckled again. Cate could only babble in response. She leaned against the woman, closing her eyes. “Why don’t you have a nap and we can talk about what we’ll do after you wake up, hmm?” Cate whined again. She felt terribly fussy - she didn’t want to move and she certainly didn’t want to talk. The woman smiled at the girl but she made no comment on her behavior. She didn’t seem at all weirded out by it - in fact she seemed to know exactly what to do with her.

“Come on, Cate. Doesn’t a bit of rest sound good?” It did, it really did. She nodded. She let the woman, this strange woman, lead her over to her bed. She climbed under the covers and Shetty smiled at her once more. She let her pat the spot where her knee was as she stood over the girl.

“There,” the woman whispered. Cate hummed. Though she barely knew the woman she had offered her more comfort and compassion than she had been given in so many years. “There, that’s it, Cate. You don’t have to fight any longer.” She turned to go, leaving Cate to get her much needed rest. She’d drifted off almost immediately, hoping this wonderful woman would be there for her when she woke up.

[furiousgoldfish]

Hello! Thanks for running this blog, I can't tell how helpful it has been.

I wonder if you have any thoughts or experience to address lack of resilience: after years of therapy and solid economic independence, I'm quite OK most days... But then something happens that requires me to act outside my fragile equilibrium (e g. a cancer diagnosis), and I regress to thinking I'm a good for nothing who should as well kill herself and save everyone the bother. And I factually know I'm not, and I shouldn't. Are there any coping strategies for the long shadow of abuse?

In the same vein, thoughts on how a grown abused child can somehow let herself consider the idea of a romantic relationship, when that would be outside the above-mentioned fragile balance and definitely contrary to years of "trust no one" learned ingrained behavior?

I don't think this is resilience you're lacking, any person would go to their darkest place after hearing something as serious and shocking as a cancer diagnosis. What you're describing sounds a lot like spiraling, catastrophizing, and self berating, and it's something I used to do a lot!

I learned from reading Complex PTSD, how to recognize when your thoughts are going down that road, and how to stop it, I'm going to try to describe in shortly I figured it out:

It seems that regardless of what kind of life we lead, when we spiral we all go to the exact same place; we're burdens, we deserve to die, we don't deserve love, we only do damage, we're not worthy of anything. This same pattern repeats for everyone who is in their self-berating place. Even if this person is actually incredibly helpful, has a lot of friends and loved ones, people who support them, people who need them, they still go to that exact same pattern of thoughts that possibly was something we were taught in childhood or concluded based on neglect and that nobody actually treated us like we matter or like our life has any value.

It helped me a lot to see how even people whose value I could clearly see would spiral down into the same feelings as I did, because it was clearly not the truth, it was a disaster scenario we are all the most afraid of. The way to stop thinking this is first to be aware it's an illusion that was planted into us in order to make us terrified, subservient, trying like crazy to be useful, obedient, ashamed, guilty. It was built into our brains in order to control us. It's sometimes necessary to get angry about this, and to dispute these lies with rage that something so ridiculous and wrong would ever be said to us or planted into our mindsets.

And then, you have to realize whenever your brain is starting to go down that road, and say 'no, we don't do that anymore. we don't spiral into self hatred and self berating anymore'. For me, after I stopped it a few times, it became easy to stop it again, and after a few months, my brain didn't even try to sink into the catastrophizing anymore, and I could develop a healthier mindset.

It's the toughest to realize how untrue and imaginary all these statements are, once you do, it will slowly become clear that breaking down over them is no longer necessary. Ah but if you do fall down into it, also know it's not your fault! These things that are programmed into our brains in order for us to be controlled, aren't easy to get out of, and they do become stronger with any kind of trigger, so don't think you're not resilient due to it, being triggered is like being forced back into your place of torture, and nobody could stay indifferent or controlled during that, it's the worst.

Now about your second question, I am none the wiser, because I trust no one, and all my cautious attempts at relationships fail miserably, you might want to look up 'Crappy Childhood Fairy' on youtube, she talks a lot about relationships after trauma, and how to safely indulge (tho I don't necessarily agree with most of things said there, I just hope it could be a resource to you).

[symptoms-syndrome]

IDK possibly invalidating or smth. Just feelings.

It feels weird to say that I feel. Guilty? Almost? Some sort of negative feeling about how tough and capable I am. If such terrible things really did happen to me, shouldn't I be more like people I see on TV, or people I've met in psych wards, that are meek and fearful and shy and almost childlike? Of course, again the majority of those people are white women, but still. I almost feel like a bad example, like I should be apologizing, because I feel if I let people know about my whole Stuff they'll use me as some sort of. IDK example of how tough and strong etc etc traumatized ppl can be.

Again it's about feeling out of place. I always feel almost ashamed of taking up space for people who really need it, people who are outwardly traumatized. It's like I just sit there in group therapy or other spaces where people share their struggles and I'm just there like 😐. It feels even worse when my brain gets judgemental, like I'll get thoughts like. "That doesn't even sound that bad, how come they're like this and I'm not?" Of course those thoughts are wrong. There's no right or wrong way to respond to trauma. And maybe I'm still in the "shaking the soda bottle" stage and maybe I'll someday have some big breakdown and explode into a total wreck.

It's just. IDK. My trauma made me cynical and distrusting. My trauma made me afraid to ever show any crack in the armor, so to speak. I'm working on it. I'm better than I was. But it's almost like. Triggering to see other people struggle openly. Someone cries or is visibly in genuine distress or regressed or flashback-ing or even shares trauma online and all I hear are alarm bells. "How could you let people see this! Someone will use this to hurt you!" And then it's just like. I can't share anything because that person, even if I love them dearly, is unsafe. If they can't hold their own things they certainly can't hold mine.

But also it's like. Did terrible things really happen to me? Were they terrible or did they just make me disciplined and I've gone soft? It sometimes feels as if I can't point to things that have happened to me and say "that's a horrible thing to do." Doing the same to others is horrible because those people can't handle it like I can. Like. Punching a random person is different from punching someone who signed up for a boxing match. And it feels as if, on some sort of level, I'm the boxer. As if it's okay, or at least not as traumatizing, for bad things to happen to me because I'm tough and I can handle it. Which I can. I don't have any other choice. I am not someone who can break down, I don't have safety nets. It feels as if, if I were to break down like I see others do, I'd just slip and slip and lose my job and my room and slip and slip until I died homeless. So I don't.

Did they happen to a child? Yes. But they happened to a particularly tough one. And in some cases, one who practically signed up for it.

[needstostopbinging]

Very long vent. Tw for... a lot

I genuinely feel so gross right now. I don't even feel like I deserve to complain because of how much I've been eating recently. It's just one of those moments where I'm cursing myself for not going into this sooner. It's such an awful thought, because I SHOULD be grateful for living a mostly normal childhood. But I can't remember a time when I didn't look up thinspo and just feel awful. I never did anything about it. I continued to (and, being truthful, still do) eat like a pig.

I hate myself for it because there is completely un-reversible damage to my body (at least in my head) because of not being malnourished through childhood. Not even just me being fat. I'm too tall. My shoulders are too broad. I'm covered shoulders to ankles in stretch marks. Not the thin white kind. Thick, deep, often discolored stretch marks. My hips and ribcage are to wide. I'm once again imagining talking a scalpel and some plyers/scissors and doing that thing everyone on edblr has imagined.

I almost feel guilty. At least, I know I should. Thoughts like this are awful and I should be ashamed. But I can't help but think: If I had a chance to start everything over, to hell with a "normal childhood." I'd start starving myself as soon as I was able to talk to refuse meal-sizes snacks being handed to me. I often fantasize about it coming from an outside force as well. Which is probably worse.

I think it's gross, how my brain seems to glorify abuse and trauma, because it never happened to me. At least not in any way that I remember. But the Idea of being mistreated as a child is so comfortable and familiar to me. Hell, the idea that I'm not still a child is so strange. I don't understand it. I don't understand why I still feel like a middle schooler despite adulthood looming right in front of me. I feel crazy because my overactive imagination tries to justify it with the most psychotic bullshit I've ever heard. I think it's to the pint of being actually delusional sometimes.

I don't know what to do. I think it can be kinda explained as involuntary age regression but thinking about it like that almost makes me feel younger? I don't know. It's one of those nights where I sit in my room, in my house, with incoherent thoughts about how I wish I could just go home. I don't understand anything that's going on. Whenever this happens, my memories feel even faker than normal. It's like I never really existed and just got dropped somewhere with a bunch of fake memories. Or like the few real-feeling memories are what's real and I've skipped through time with a vague idea of what's happened. That's the kind of thinking that makes me sound and feel crazy.

I just want to go to sleep, but I also feel like I need to wake up. It's once again becoming so hard to stay clean. SHing was when I felt the most real. I felt like a real human who was in control of my actions. And they felt like MY actions, not something I was kinda doing with no real intention behind it. I still have scars to look at, but it doesn't come close to comparing to doing it new. This is awful. I'm a shit person who should just go away. Maybe not in the sense of offing myself, but just away. I don't belong here. I can't really relate to people like I've convinced myself I can. I'm just hyper empathetic and a wannabe of everything I'm not.

Now that this is just incohesive brain vomit, I don't even know how to shut up. I'm so tired. I just want it all to be over. Or for all of it to have not been real. Because right now, living feels absolutely no different from sitting in class in elementary school and daydreaming. I'm waiting for the teacher to come tap my shoulder and tell me to get my head out of the clouds and focus on learning my multiplication and division tables. I know logically that's not how this works, but my disconnect from reality only serves to fuel my connection to fantasy. When reality feels fake, what's fake feels the same as reality. Just because I'm aware I'm delusional, doesn't stop me from experiencing it.