#i feel like. because i don’t connect with people often. i need everyone i’ve ever truly liked to love me intensely and indefinitely | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

intimidating-fettuccine · 9 months ago

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Yandere diaries. || Toby x reader. A new (possible) series I got the idea to do of the creeps doing diaries showing them gradually becoming yandere.

3k words. CW: Yandere, adult content (mentions of arousal and references to masturbation), descriptions of violence and gore, unhealthy relationships, severe abuse, delusions, Toby slipping into insanity and also being an unhonest/unreliable narrator with how awful he’s being.

4/26/22 -

I met someone new today! We bumped into each other at a park I like to go to on Earth. They were so kind to me. We ended up getting ice cream together and exchanging numbers. I hope I can see them again soon.

5/11/22 -

I’ve been able to see them a couple more times. We’ve been messaging regularly, and have also called a couple of times. I’ve never felt so connected to someone so quickly before. We have a lot in common, and they don’t even mind any of my tics or odd quirks. We have a plan to meet up this weekend and go to the movies together, I’m really looking forward to it. I hope we continue to be friends with each other for a long time!

5/14/22 -

I just got home. We had such a fun time at the movies! We saw one of the more recent horror films together. They got scared partway through and clung onto me to feel better, and it made me feel really happy and protective over them. I wouldn’t mind seeing more horror movies with them in the future if it means that they’d do that again. We haven’t known each other very long, but I feel so connected and interested in them, I feel sparks every time they touch me. Is this what falling in love feels like?

6/21/22 -

I haven’t been able to see them for a few weeks because of our schedule differences. I feel like I’ve been excessively sad because of that. I just feel like my life is so much dimmer without them. I wanna go to the park with them again, eat ice cream, and curl up under a tree with them. I wish I could be with them every day.

7/29/22 -

We haven’t known each other for a very long time, but I’m certain they’re the person I’m meant to be with for the rest of my life. They make me the happiest I’ve ever felt, they understand me like nobody has ever understood me before, I just feel so carefree and excited in their presence. I think they might feel the same way about me too. I need to try my best to build up some courage and ask them to be my partner before someone else can.

8/11/22 -

I asked them on a date and they said yes!! I’ve never felt more excited than I am right now!! We’re going on our first date in a few days. I need to make sure I have a nice outfit to wear because I want to take them somewhere nice to eat, and then we’re gonna go for a walk together and stargaze. My life truly feels so complete and wonderful right now, I feel like I’m finally on a path to keep getting better with them in my life!

11/24/22 -

I haven’t been dating them very long, but I convinced Slender to allow me to invite them to Thanksgiving dinner. Normally we have to date our partners for a year, but I just know our relationship is going to work out, so I don’t feel the need to wait that long. They had so much fun meeting everyone, and they were happy the whole time. I felt a bit jealous that they didn’t pay as much attention to me, but that’s okay because there were so many new people they had to meet. I’m sure next time I invite them over they won’t pay anyone else any attention. I’m looking forward to having them over here more often!

12/14/22 -

I got into an argument with Jeff today. I had them over to visit me, and I stepped away for a minute to get us some snacks and Jeff so rudely decided to try and steal their attention from me. It isn’t fair! He was trying to make them laugh and hang out with him instead of me!! I got really angry and I started yelling at him, and he yelled back at me, claiming he wasn’t doing anything wrong. He’s not allowed to just walk up to them and act like they’re buddy-buddy. They’re my partner, and they’re here for me. Nobody else has the right to their attention but me.

12/25/22 -

I got to celebrate my first Christmas with them today. We spent a little bit of time downstairs with the others, but then I wanted to bring them upstairs to my room so we could be together alone. I gave them a bracelet with our names on it so that everyone would know they belonged to someone, and they seemed to like it. However, I got a bit upset at them. They said they had to go home so they could celebrate with their friends and family too, but aren’t I good enough? Aren’t I their family now? It doesn’t make any sense to me why they couldn’t just stay at the mansion, but I let them go. I’ll have a talk with them about this later.

1/24/23 -

We had another argument again. They have this friend that keeps overstepping his boundaries and I don’t appreciate it. He’s been hogging their attention recently and hanging out with them more and it’s seriously fucking pissing me off. They wouldn’t stop talking to him so I had to lie to them about him to finally get them to back off from him a bit. I wouldn’t normally want to do that, but it’s for their own good. Nobody should be hogging them away from me that much. Their friends are lucky I even allow them to talk with my dove at all. I think that’s what I’ll start calling them, now that I think about it. My sweet, soaring Dove.

2/17/23 -

I ended up getting into a fight with one of Dove’s friends. I was trying to make sure I could spend Valentine’s with Dove, but this friend wanted to be able to see them that day since he’s going on a trip soon or some other stupid excuse. It pissed me off. IM their boyfriend, that day is for US. I confronted him to get him to back off but he had the nerve to stand his ground. I had to beat the shit out of him to get him to understand his place. It’s been three days, and apparently, he hasn’t contacted them since. Good. One less pest I have to worry about. Dove was a little suspicious when I came home with torn-up knuckles that day, but I just told them it happened during training and they believed me. They even took the time and care to bandage me up. They really are so special to me. Nobody else can have them.

3/18/23 -

I’ve never really thought much about blood before. When it’s on myself or my victims, I’ve never really cared about it, I’ve actually usually thought it was gross, but it was different today. Dove got this gash when we were out on a hike from tripping and slicing their arm on a sharp rock. Normally the blood wouldn’t have bothered me, but it was just so pretty. The red spreading across their skin was just so alluring. Of course, I got them cleaned off and patched up as soon as I could, but my heart is racing just remembering it. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I hope they get cut again soon. I have to confirm if this feeling inside me is real or just a one-off.

3/28/23 -

It wasn’t a one-off. We were cooking, and they were using one of our sharper knives. My curiosity got the better of me, and I “accidentally” bumped into them from behind. They ended up cutting themself, and their blood was just as alluring today, flowing freely out of their finger. I ended up putting their finger in my mouth to suck the blood off, and I’ve never tasted something so intoxicating before. They were a bit confused, but I just played it off and they let it go. Holy shit. I feel like I have to taste it again. I have to. The red on their skin, the metallic lingering taste in my mouth. It’s so addicting. It honestly made me a bit excited, I had to take a moment to myself so they wouldn’t notice.

4/16/23 -

I bit them. We were making out, and I just felt myself getting so worked up. I pinned them down on my mattress, and I started kissing down Dove’s neck. I couldn’t help it, my heart was beating so fast and I felt myself getting dizzy, and I bit them really hard. Their skin was so soft in my mouth, and blood started oozing out, running against my teeth and my tongue, and my lips, it was so warm and exciting, it felt like I was getting drunk. Dove didn’t like it though. They screamed and cried and begged me to stop, and I didn’t want to, but I did. I bandaged them up and apologized and feigned innocence. They said they wanted to go home early, so I took them to not get on their bad side anymore. I was so worked up though. I had to take care of myself when I got home, I was just so turned on. I have to do it again somehow. They won’t like it, but I have to. Nothing has ever felt so pleasing before.

4/29/23 -

I tried to bite them again, and they realized it wasn’t an accident this time. They yelled at me and hit me to get me off of them, and I hit them back much harder. They looked so broken and upset while they cried, but their tears and screams got me just as turned on as their blood did. The bruise that formed on their cheek was so beautiful. I held them close and apologized a whole bunch because I don’t want them to hate me. I cried a lot and I meant it. I promised I wouldn’t do it again, which I guess I didn’t mean. However, they can’t just disobey me like that. I need to try and be on my best behavior so they can be more relaxed around me. I can’t have them fighting back every time I want to do something to them.

5/09/23 -

I think my Dove needs to be caged. They’ve gotten so used to flying free that they need to be grounded and brought back to reality. I keep trying to limit their interactions with others because they keep poisoning my Dove against me, and Dove tried to fight me today. We got in a big yelling match, but I was able to calm myself down in the nick of time so that I didn’t make things worse. I got them to calm down, and we’re gonna have some space between us for a few weeks. I think I’m going to take this opportunity to my advantage.

5/30/23 -

While we haven’t been spending time together, I’ve been working hard. I found an old house in the Underworld for cheap, and I’ve been rebuilding it and fixing it up. I altered it to be able to hold Dove in without their escape, and I’m so excited about it. I’ve got a bedroom I’m setting up for them, and a nice kitchen because they’ve always liked cooking with me. I know Dove is going to love it so much when I bring them here in a few weeks. It’s going to be the best thing for us. Dove is too innocent about the world around them, and I have to be able to protect them. Nobody else can do a better job than I can.

6/08/23 -

[Parts of the entry have been torn. Words are smudged or crossed out and it is not completely legible, but some of it remains visible. *Full translation will be added at the end for those that use translators/text to speech.]

I CAN'T FU—— BELI— TH—!! DOVE WAS TRY— TO MOVE!! THEY W— TRYING TO LE—E ME!! THAT STU— BASTARD [Redacted] TRIED TO TA— THEM F—M ME! WHEN ALL IVE ———— IS PROTECT TH— AND THIS IS —— REPAY ME?!? I'VE NEVER BE— SO ANGRY!!!

Dove is FUCKING LU—Y I had the home re—y! If not, I wo—d’ve just thrown th— in the fucki— basement!!! [Redacted] got wh— they deser—. I be— the- so bad you —— —king recognize —. I’ll du— the bo— som—ere else.

7/06/23 -

Dove hasn’t been making things any easier. Since they last tried to move away things have been such a fucking pain in the ass. They were so scared when I locked them in here. I wanted it to be a warm welcome, where I’d bring them here voluntarily, but they had to go and ruin it because of [Redacted] sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong. They tried to run away a few days ago, and I went to write about it but I was so fucking pissed I ripped the page to shreds. I had to break their ankles so that they wouldn’t be able to run again, least not for a long while. I’ve also been keeping them tied up more, but it’s easier now that they can’t walk. The bruises on their legs are just so beautiful. I think I might keep them like this, even though they cry every day from the pain and the circumstances, but their tears are beautiful as well. I have to get more painkillers soon for them.

10/18/23 -

It’s been a while since I’ve updated. Things have been going smoother lately. Every time Dove’s ankles start to heal, I’ve been breaking them again. I just can’t trust them because they tried to escape again. I’ve been enjoying myself a lot more. I can bite them and cut them and hit them whenever I want to. I can taste their blood and chew their skin and bruise their beautiful body however I like. Of course, sometimes it makes me sad when Dove gets so upset about it. I don’t know what to do. It gets me so turned on and riled up like nothing ever has before, but I also want them to love me. They haven’t been fighting back anymore, so I think they’re getting used to it. We’ll see.

12/25/23 -

It’s our second Christmas together. I got Dove a bunch of things they asked for since they’ve been so good. They seem to have given up hope of resisting me, and it’s made me so happy. They even made me a cake for Christmas, and it was so delicious. I’m so happy we can be together again like this, just a happy couple with no interruptions. It’s truly the best gift I could have received this year.

2/16/24 -

I’ve been letting Dove’s ankles and legs fully heal. They truly haven’t been trying anything, and they’ve been so devoted to being a good partner for me, I don’t think I need to break them anymore to teach them a lesson. They can nearly stand on their own now, and they seem so happy. They said it’s because they can hug me while standing, and that made me so happy to hear. We’ve started cooking together again. We’re becoming a happy family, and I’m so glad I was right that Dove is the one for me. They even let me bite them as much as I wanted today, and they let me scratch them too, they didn’t even cry out today. I could tell they were trying really hard, so it made me very happy.

4/25/24 -

Things have still been going well. Their legs have healed up perfectly. It’s been five months since I last broke them, and I think they’re so grateful for it. They don’t disobey me, they do everything I ask, they’re so affectionate and loving with me. It makes me so happy to know that they’re truly settling into life with me. I don’t think they mind how much I hurt them anymore. They don’t complain as much, but they still cry those same beautiful tears for me. I think they’re starting to enjoy it.

5/26/24 -

I have to go on an extended trip for a week soon because of work and I’m nervous. They said they’ll wait happily for me, but I’m still so, so nervous. However, earlier this month I was gone for a few days and they didn’t go anywhere. Dove actually welcomed me back happily. I think we’ll be okay. I think this is it, the true test. I know they’ll pass, but still, I can’t quiet the anxiety in my heart. I’ll have to spend as much time as possible with them and get out all my excitement before I have to leave. I’m going to miss the feeling of their skin beneath my fingers and teeth.

6/11/24 -

[This page has also been smeared and torn in anger. *Another fully corrected version will be at the bottom.]

I — FUCKING BE—VE THEY DI- TH— AG—!!! THEY R— AW—!! THE- STOL- SO MU— —IT FRO- ME!! THEY TO— THE MO—Y I HA- HIDDEN!!!! THE- TOOK FO— AN- CLO—— AN- LEFT!! I- SO FUCK—- ANGRY!!! I'LL K— THEM!!! I JUS- MIGH- FUCK— KIL- THEM!!! AT TH- VER- LEA— THEY— NEVE- WAL- AGAIN! WHEN I ———— NEVER ES— AGAIN! LOCKS, CA—S, CHA—S!! WHAT—— IT TAKES!!!!!!

Dove, you’d better pray to —y FUCKING DIETY in EXIST—— THAT I DON- FIN- —U!!! When I d-, you’re goin- to su——— much for do— th— to me.

6/08/23 -

I CANT FUCKING BELIEVE THIS!! DOVE WAS TRYING TO MOVE!! THEY WERE TRYING TO LEAVE ME!! THAT STUPID BASTARD [Redacted] TRIED TO TAKE THEM FROM ME! WHEN ALL IVE FUCKING DONE HERE IS PROTECT THEM AND THIS IS HOW THEY REPAY ME?!? I'VE NEVER BEEN SO ANGRY!!!

Dove is FUCKING LUCKY I had the home ready! If not, I would’ve just thrown them in the fucking basement!!! [Redacted] got what they deserved. I beat them so bad you can't even fucking recognize them. I’ll dump the body somewhere else.

6/11/24 -

I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THEY DID THIS AGAIN!!! THEY RAN AWAY!! THEY STOLE SO MUCH SHIT FROM ME!! THEY TOOK THE MONEY I HAD HIDDEN!!!! THEY TOOK FOOD AND CLOTHES AND LEFT!! IM SO FUCKING ANGRY!!! I'LL KILL THEM!!! I JUST MIGHT FUCKING KILL THEM!!! AT THE VERY LEAST THEY'LL NEVER WALK AGAIN! WHEN I CATCH UP THEY WILL NEVER ESCAPE AGAIN! LOCKS, CAGES, CHAINS!! WHATEVER IT TAKES!!!!!!

Dove, you’d better pray to every FUCKING DIETY in EXISTENCE THAT I DON'T FIND YOU!!! When I do, you’re going to suffer so much for doing this to me.

#yandere #creepypasta yandere #yandere ticci toby #semi-spicy #creepypasta semi-spicy #ticci toby #ticci toby headcanons #ticci toby headcanon #ticci toby x reader #ticci toby semi-spicy

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londonfoginacup · 6 months ago

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not the same anon and i’ve already asked this to someone else without an answer. i’ve never been to a show in the usa but it feels to me like there’s a different atmosphere in general over there so this comes from genuine curiosity: why do you feel like you have to bring a rainbow flag to a concert? let’s forget about louis for a second, just think of a random concert. you said you’ve gotten bad looks for bringing one but also you (and others) claim that flags in concerts are meant to feel people safe. do you not feel safe if you don’t bring a flag? do you not enjoy a concert if you don’t bring one/see one? what’s the need to bring flags? i promise this comes from curiosity because in all the years i’ve attended music shows and festivals, i’ve never felt like bringing the flags i own, but again, i’m not from the usa and i’m not well versed into tumblr queer culture.

Hi anon. I will take this as a good faith question, although your phrase “I’ve asked this to someone else without an answer” is something I suggest you do not include when asking things in future, because it implies you’re upset or blaming that other person for not responding. People have many reasons to not respond, some of which are simply time or time of day or spoons! We are all simply trying our best out here.

Now onto your question— I think that what’s missing here is fandom history. You said “forget about Louis for a second”, but actually what we need to do is look back at One Direction’s history.

I’ve written this out and tried to shorten it a number of times now, but the long and the short of it is that while the band was active, especially 2013-2014, the way that One Direction the Brand and Management handled rumors about Louis and Harry was to create a rift between “respectful fans” and “everyone else”. And the “everyone else” was people who thought Louis and Harry were in a relationship, yes, but it was also simply queer fans. Because those circles often overlap, OR because other fans would see that they were queer and put them in the same category.

Rainbow Direction was a movement made by fans in order to feel safe at One Direction shows specifically, because it was one direction shows specifically that people did not feel comfortable at, but desperately WANTED to feel comfortable at, because this band and these boys brought them comfort, spoke words in their songs that connected to their queer experience, etc.

I would not say that it’s USA specific so much that it’s 1D specific. I don’t… believe (I could be wrong) that I’ve brought a flag to a non-1D (or 1D adjacent) show, although I HAVE seen flags at those shows, like Declan McKenna I feel like I saw a flag or two there, for instance.

But honestly anon, when I bring a flag, it is not to make myself feel safe. It’s so that someone else who is queer can see that flag and know that I am a safe person. Likewise, when I see someone else with a flag, I know that I feel safe with them. It’s a way of saying you’re not alone.

Now, it might be helpful to know that I have attended EVERY 1D/Harry/Louis/Niall concert (but one) with @lululawrence . It’s her flags that I wear. She is the best sort of person you could ever hope to attend a concert with, but that’s beside the point. My point is that the one show that I remember the most dirty looks and feeling the most uncomfortable was the one Harry show we attended in… 2021? The end of the 2021. Harry’s fan base grew EXPONENTIALLY over the pandemic. That night, we saw maybe two flags in the pit and none anywhere else. There were more people dressed as bananas than people with flags. Sus and I had the bi and ace flags, and honestly anon, I started to want to hide it. The people around us gave us looks, I heard them talking about us although I tried not to listen. I wasnt afraid for our safety, but I was viscerally aware that the people around us didn’t understand the flags and didn’t want us there.

And I had been there in Nashville at the Ryman, when every flag had been confiscated and the security had been terribly mean and Harry had had to pull out his own and set it on stage at one point when the lights went down. That had been upsetting but we had all been on the same page, the fans and Harry, that the flags were important. Post-2020, that show was different. I felt like a creature on display for people to gawk at.

So when you talk about tumblr queer culture, I don’t actually know how much this extends past 1D/Louis/Harry. But in the beginning of 2023, when Sus and I went to the first concert we had booked (we had… four or five that year), and noticed how few flags there were, the two of us were specifically worried about concerts feeling the way that one in 2021 did. That’s why we did spent the next few months sending flags to every North America Louis show (and don’t get me wrong, I’d have done his other legs if I had the money to get them flags too. But all those flags in the NorthAmerica shows? A few friends whom I ADORE helped but mostly that was almost entirely out of my own personal budget). Because we wanted to make sure that everyone felt the safety of being able to spot a flag in the crowd and know that whoever was holding it was not someone who would reject them for their gender/sexuality.

Sure, another option is that no one brings flags and we all just sit and enjoy the music. That’s really fine. But I think for our fandom in particular it’s a bit of history, of being loudly rejected during the 1D days and then surging our support for one another for the solo tours.

And tbh yeah. Okay. America is scary and people are mean and i know so so SO many people who are ONLY out online or at shows like these. I want them to know im there with them.

So, I don’t know if I answered your question well. @takemehomefromnarnia or @lululawrence or any number of other people could probably answer it better.

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babyspacekwid · 6 months ago

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Some of my Astro placements and how they manifest

Chiron 4th house:

This placement talks of a wound surrounding the family and home, and well, I would often search for a home because no where to me felt like home. I still feel misunderstood and out of place, BUT, I have made deep and valuable connections that have helped guide me and make me feel the love I should have had. Not to say this placement is completely hopless, it’s beautiful and it’s real and it’s tough, but you come out stronger. I use to hate that fucking perspective too. Like okay??? Who gaf if I come out stronger I’m fucking suffering, like why didn’t I get the parents everyone else has? Why’d I have to walk on eggshells? I felt like my anger and sadness was invalidated because I didn’t feel strong. I felt worthless and disorganized. I was a mess and I still am. Idk if that’s ever gonna change tbh, but despite all, it’s true. You DO come out stronger. In every aspect I have. Home is your people it was never a place, home is your mother cradling you for the first time in a while, it’s your friends taking care of you when you’re sobbing. Home is your dad realizing his mistakes and apologizing. Home is a feeling, it’s refreshing and comforting. Home was never suppose to be stressful, or feel like a war zone. To whoever has this same placement I feel you and I love you.

Mars in Aquarius in the 5th house

I do things unconventionally and I only realize this when I’m with other ppl. It can be as simple as the way I eat my burger, to my taste in music. Which is everything. I like literally everything. I don’t care the genre. If it’s good and catchy I love it. I did a lot of different hobbies as a kid too? Like taekwondo, dance, soccer, painting, singing, writing. But I never stayed long in any of those hobbies. Loved anime which ik everyone likes these days but where I live and during my childhood it was still a bit taboo or considered weird to watch. I was the kid that got along with everyone at school too. I didn’t see the point in highschool having a social hierarchy of popularity. It’s fucking stupid. I remember this one kid in my class who everyone thought was weird, which from their perspective I understand because he liked to talk about taboo topics that everyone thought was outrageous, but I was enjoying conversing with him because his perspectives were fresh and built my own views and opinions. I also have a 5th house stellium and I just fucking hate anything that isn’t fun like. I can’t do the 9-5 I have to enjoy my life like this society was not meant for the way my brain works istg.

Lilith 8th house

Constant comments were made about my body when I was young. From good to bad to what the actual fuck are you saying to a 12 year old. No cause it still happens and I’ve learnt to deal with it, but it has greatly affected how I view myself, my sexuality, and my comfortability with it.

Sun and moon in Gemini

I got the worst of both worlds wtf is this?! Considering my chart is 60% air signs you’d think I’d be use to it but I’m notttttt. I try to stray away from the stereotypical “Geminis intellectualize their emotions” but it’s true we do, but I think it’s cause feeling our emotions are overwhelming. Geminis ARE emotional. There’s just so much going on that my brain decides “I need a solution to this now cause feeling is pain” also hate that I’m not consistent. Consistency is my worst enemy, it doesn’t agree with me and my behaviours and we have an ongoing tense relationship, so I don’t finish anything. Not the books I wanna write or the paintings I wanna finish. Working on it tho 😭

Jupiter in Leo in the 11th house

I know so many people, and the friends I’ve made feel like my soul family. We’re siblings at this point. (Also rlly love the spotlight. What can I say I’m an attention whore)

#astro observations #astrology #astrology tumblr

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starlightseraph · 1 year ago

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final (long) thoughts about the rpf debacle, as i’ve finally blocked all the major accounts involved

regarding david and michael: they seem like two great guys with great chemistry, and they appear to really care for each other. the nature of their connection, their happiness in their relationships, the details of their personal lives, etc are not for any of us to say. we certainly don't need to analyse every thing they do and every flick of their eyes or use 20 year old tabloid bits to create a story about them being trapped and potentially abused and "clearly" wanting to leave their partners so they can fuck. no one dislikes the theorising because it's m/m, anyone who does has issues to work through. 99% of us dislike it because it's invasive, done without any knowledge of the boundaries or comfort of the people it's about.

regarding georgia: idc what other people say, i think she can actually act. i think it's unlikely that my opinion is biased, given that i actually became aware of her before i even knew who david was (merlin, i was 11). do i think she's the greatest actress who's ever lived? no. do i want to fall at her feet to praise every word she types on her ig? no. to me, her public personality is pretty cool and likeable, and she certainly uses her platform for good things. i don't see evidence that david has an issue with the social media stuff that georgia does, maybe a bit of playful annoyance, but nothing too serious. she does actually say good things about him, quite often. when she says things that could be deemed insulting, it’s nothing unique to david, she does that with practically everyone she posts about. i see absolutely no reason to believe that she's abusive, a baby trapper, that her children dislike her, or that david is miserable with her. i genuinely feel that her "stalker" comments were jokes. based on what she and david have said, it sounds like she was acting like anyone with a crush would, texting the object of her affections and wanting to hang out. in my community, completely normal behaviour is called stalkery, just to poke fun at someone for having a crush, sometimes done in a self-deprecating way. as for the peter davison story and its inconsistencies, idk what to make of that. the claims that she got her "david" tattoo right after they met and that she changed ty's name without input from david are completely unfounded. I've seen no evidence for the name bit, and i've actually found evidence against the tattoo story. i'm not proud of it, but i did go digging through paparazzi photos, and she doesn't actually have the tattoo until later. no one, not even the tabloids, seems to have anything about an open relationship or them not going steady before getting married. the first actual records of those rumours is in the blogs that say the rumours have been around for nearly 20 years. all the "evidence" for these last few things that i've seen cited (or even very boldly linked) is from the trashiest of trashy blog sites with 2004-level web design. i take them with a grain of salt, given that not even the daily mail repeats their stories.

regarding anna: i'm ambivalent towards her. i don't see any obvious great talent as an actress or model, but she also hasn't really done anything that has the opportunity to showcase ability in those fields. i also don’t think she has never before seen levels chemistry with the others, but, again, we’ve hardly seen anything. the claims that she got pregnant through a one night stand seem more widely acknowledged, so maybe that was the case. if that is what happened, i have a few things to say. firstly, did neither of these grown adults have birth control? the baby trapping claims imply that she deliberately sabotaged it, which is an incredibly serious claim that we are in no position to make. within this story, michael apparently met her at an acting school graduation and they hooked up. she would've been in her early-mid 20s and he would have been almost 50… the rpf blogs say that they have no personal bias against georgia and anna, and that they're perfectly willing to call david and michael out on their bullshit, yet (to my knowledge) they haven't said anything about this. if they're really so concerned with the truth, and they believe the graduation hookup story, why not call michael out for it?? they were both adults and while i do believe that healthy relationships with a large age gap are possible, it’s still a bit weird given how they would’ve met. also, there are have been lots of (unconfirmed and contested) allegations that michael is a serial cheater, so what makes these blogs think that he wouldn't also cheat on david in this fantasy world view of theirs? i know that at least 2 of the major blogs believe the cheating stories. i believe that people can be bettered no matter what they've done and that they should get chances, but assuming that he wouldn't cheat in this singular situation seems pretty biased to me.

bottom line, we don't know! this is exactly what i’ve said since the beginning, that we have absolutely no place in these people's lives outside of admiring their accomplishments and supporting their work. please, everyone, chill. by all means, write fun stories on ao3 using the likenesses of david and georgia and michael and anna! i find it uncomfortable, but i don't have real moral objections to fiction that is only intended as fiction. i’ve previously said that we don't have a problem with the georgia/anna shipping jokes because they're jokes, and one of the pf blogs said that it was serious because of an ao3 slash fanfic and that we were only fine with it because it was f/f. correction, we were fine with that because it was purely and entirely fictional. not being presented was an investigation into real life.

i've seen lots of these blogs saying that a video of david and michael having sex could be released and the we'd find a way to brush it off or discount it. flipping this and applying it back, i think that david and michael could hold a press conference declaring that they're not in a relationship, and the blogs would work around it, claiming beards and façades.

quick warning to everyone, digital footprint exists. one blog in particular very casually displays her identity, and someone could easily send her graphic sex stories and claims of abuse about real strangers to potential employers or event hosts. this isn't a threat, i really can't be arsed, but it's something to be aware of, that these things can have real life repercussions.

i want to clarify that the only reason i would be bummed if the theories were true is because it would mean that all four of them would have lived in unhappiness. i don’t dislike the theories, while they do claim a variety of disturbing things that i certainly hope aren’t true, because i want to pretend that everything is perfect. it’s the extreme parasocial obsession and complete lack of any boundaries that i object to.

the conspiracy story had been told many times, every single group of devotees to a public figure or piece of media weaves and incredible web of false evidence and imagined narratives. maybe you think that you're actually right this time, that you've become privy to a truth. maybe you are right. but to believe undeterred that this time it’s different and your theories are true is just wishful thinking. if everything is true, great for you, i guess, your favs have been miserable for years, but at least you were right, yeah? it’s a fucking insane mindset to have. until they confirm or deny, you don't get to tell their story for them.

#david tennant #georgia tennant #michael sheen #anna lundberg #staged #doctor who #good omens #ineffable husbands #aziracrow #discourse #fandom woes #fandom drama

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rewatching-sam-and-dean · 1 year ago

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My Commentary on Rob and Rich Reviewing (4x14) Sex and Violence

I was listening to the latest Supernatural Then and Now Podcast (The Siren Episode) and I had to stop it after the Rob and Rich review to write down my thoughts because it annoyed me so much.

The guys both thought the episode was okay, but a bunch of things “bumped” for them. This is fine, and everyone is entitled to their own opinion about an episode, but some of the things that “bumped” for them “bump” for me.

My thoughts under the cut …

Bump # 1 - The Siren turning out to be a man

So, both Rs had an issue with the siren being a man since the lore showed them as women, and I think, because in real mythology they are women. Though they conceded that the a male siren could be a thing too, it seemed to really bother them that the siren ended up not being about a sexual connection with the brothers (though Rich saw the flask sharing scene as flirtatious … because no guys have ever shared a flask, including, Dean and Bobby).

I’m sorry, but the siren targeting the brothers, and using a version of an ideal brother to get to Dean isn’t a plot hole or a “stretch” or something, it’s an interesting choice and it’s exactly the point of the episode. While many men are vulnerable to a pretty woman who is into them, Dean just wants Sam. He wants his relationship with Sam to be better. In particular, he’s so worried about Sam and insecure in their bond that he wants a Sam who likes what he likes but, more importantly, one who listens to him and doesn’t hide things from him. And I know I’ve written about this before on a previous post, but Dean doesn’t NEED the siren to be a hot girl; he can find one of those easily. He needs a Sam he can trust. That’s the whole point. The show is drawing the comparison between sexual intimacy/romantic companionship (usually one of the most desired things in literature/media) to the brothers relationship to show how much brotherhood matters to Dean in particular (in this case).

The way the male siren actor portrays its interest in the brothers, to me, is very much like it’s intrigued and excited that it found a high even better than the sexual desire that it usually feeds off of. When the siren feels how desperate Dean is for the bond with Sam to be fixed, it finds him more interesting than it’s usual target. Dean’s longing for Sam (not sexual) is even stronger than the sexual desire or romantic companionship that the siren usually feeds off of, so much so that the siren changes its entire MO to go after the brothers.

Bump # 2 - The Doctor sleeping with Sam (when she isn’t the siren) is weird

So, the Rs disagreed on the “bumpiness” of this one. Rob thought it was weird that the doctor would just decide to sleep with Sam (at work), while it didn’t bother Rich because … Jared Padalecki. Sound argument (in this case), Rich.

Still, the doctor is a little unusual, and her behaviour is clearly intended to be a misdirect, but the show does a good enough job of suggesting she had a bad breakup (or worse) and is now just sort of living in the moment, so her behaviour doesn’t bother me. Also, Sam is hot.

What is stranger than the doctor’s behaviour, for the audience who knows him, is Sam having sex with her I that moment. Not only that, but Sam is very chill when she’s hitting on him, where in the past, Sam has often been a little shy or awkward with women that he’s been attracted to or interested in. So no, this is not Sam’s usual MO to sleep with the doctor, especially when we know he and Ruby are or were also sleeping together. Sam is not acting entirely like his usual self. And he hasn’t been acting entirely like himself for a while now.

Bump # 3 - The Siren telling the boys to fight each other and saying the winner can “be with” him

I don’t know why they had an issue with this. The siren literally explains that it loves the rush of having people willing to do anything for it, even kill people they love. What the siren tells the brothers doesn’t matter because it’s not like it’s really planning to have a relationship with the brother who wins the fight. And the boys are already infected at this point, so it’s just giving them incentive to fight. It’s not sticky about the sexual-ness of people’s need for the siren, it’s about the desperation they have to be with it (in whatever way).

Bump #4 - Sam dismissing the Doctor after sleeping with her.

The guys were both bothered by Sam not bothering to say goodbye to the doctor, and they mentioned that it seemed sort of old-school (womanizing?). Rob said that Sam dismissing her was more like something Dean would do than Sam. I know that I already said this, but this is the whole point. Sam hasn’t been acting like his old self. This isn’t an accidental writing mistake, where the writer accidentally wrote Sam more like Dean. Sam is different now.

It also isn’t like Sam to call Dean weak, or ridicule him for being messed up from his experience in hell. Season 2 Sam would never, and Season 3 Sam wouldn’t either. Season 4 Sam has changed from the trauma of losing Dean, drinking demon blood, and having Ruby in his ear.

Also, to play devils advocate on myself, Sam has actually left towns before without saying goodbye to the girl he had a connection with, maybe not after sleeping with her, but it’s not wholly out of character for him to leave without saying goodbye (I’m not criticizing him for this). Also, I really don’t think that doctor was looking for anything more from Sam beyond hooking up in her office, so this doesn’t bother me much.

Final thoughts

Anyway, I’m not arguing that everyone has to love every episode, or even like all the ones that I do. I’m not even arguing that people need to like Sex and Violence because it really can be a little uncomfortable, and there is a bit of a sexual undercurrent to it all, even though that’s not the sirens intention with the brother. That’s also not exactly new on Supernatural. However, it’s weird to me that so many of the things that “bumped” for Rob and Rich seem to me like very deliberate choices by the writers, not careless mistakes or pointlessly out of character. This episode reveals a lot about where Sam and Dean are at this point in the season, both individually and in their relationship.

Granted, I have the benefit of watching the episode and knowing where it’s all leading, but this is what sort of bothers me about hearing people discuss the show who are doing it for a purpose and are probably only half-invested in the story. They miss things that seem like they should be really clear. Also, it’s funny when they find things uncomfortably sexual in relation to Sam and Dean (they didn’t outright say that, but I think it was implied in what they said) and act like it’s a surprise or out of place. Again, this isn’t new. They obviously listened to too many hellers if they didn’t realize that Sam and Dean are weirdly close at times or that the show makes some pretty blatant parallels between them and couples or makes quasi-incestuous connections between Sam and Dean.

I have nothing else to add here. This was mostly just a rant, but feel free to add your two cents if you made it this far.

#supernatural #my thoughts #Rob and Rich critical #mildly #Sex and Violence #SPN Then and Now

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yamayuandadu · 1 year ago

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The fabrication of a storm god: Susanoo, Taishakuten (Indra) and their histories

When I found this ask in my inbox recently, I initially admittedly wanted to only give a short, dismissive response. After all, the similarity between these two is completely superficial. And, truth to be told, it’s more a vague similarity between how they are presented as “storm gods” by questionable online sources than between their actual roles. However, I quickly realized that would not accomplish much. The best way to counter misconceptions is to show reality is more interesting - and in the case of complex figures with long histories, this requires time and effort. The response, like the recent Tamamo no Mae one, kept growing as a result, and evolved into a fully blown unplanned post. Under the cut, you will find a brief examination of the origin of the erroneous notion that Susanoo was ever understood a “storm god”, as well as a summary of his character character, the main deities linked to him in the Japanese “middle ages”, and finally his fate after the Meiji restoration. In the second half, I deal with the Japanese reception of Indra. While not actually related to Susanoo, he is nonetheless a complex deity worth exploring, even though it feels like he’s not particularly appreciated by hobbyists and his central role in medieval cosmology hardly gets acknowledged.

Victorian confabulations and Meiji mirages: the fabrication of a storm god

Susanoo vanquishing Yamata no Orochi, as depicted by Yoshitoshi Tsukioka (wikimedia commons)

Contrary to what you might have seen in numerous online sources of dubious quality, Susanoo is not a “storm god” (let alone a “thunder god” more specifically). Nothing to that effect shows up in standard points of reference like Encyclopedia of Shinto, and even Wikipedia despite arbitrarily putting him in the weather god category only musters a single 2000 paper which I’ve never seen cited in subsequent Susanoo research as “evidence” of a weather connection.

The most recent in depth treatments of Susanoo in English are a section of Bernard Faure’s monograph Rage and Ravage and David Weiss’ The God Susanoo and Korea in Japan’s Cultural Memory: Ancient Myths and Modern Empire. The former at no point makes any claims pertaining to the weather while discussing him. The latter notes the view that Susanoo was a “storm god” enjoyed some popularity in the late nineteenth century because of the influence of the now long abandoned school of “nature mythology”, in which deities are only ever representations of natural phenomena. This theory was originally formulated by Edward Burnett Tylor, who basically admitted no actual Japanese sources ever present him as a “storm god”, but that this character is nonetheless evident in his vibes (obviously not how he phrased it, but his study deserves no more dignified summary). Tylor’s nonsense was subsequently taken up by a certain Edmund Buckle, who randomly connected his forerunner’s oc with Indra because I guess all weather gods are basically interchangeable (there’s an interesting point to be made about how they’re the one group of male deities who are often treated in poor quality scholarship the way goddesses usually are). By 1899, the theory reached Japan, where it caused a prolonged academic debacle. However, it seems supporters of this view, much like in the west, were the followers of the long since abandoned notion of “nature mythology”. Among the theory’s opponents were researchers such as Masaharu Anesaki. As far as I can tell, it’s essentially irrelevant today.

The oldest available information about Susanoo’s actual character comes from the Kojiki and the Nihon Shoki. I don’t think that needs to be discussed here in detail. Even though I often overestimate other people’s familiarity with mythology I think it’s fair to say everyone with just a passing interest in Japan knows at least the basics of the myths about his conflict with his sister Amaterasu, his banishment, and subsequent victory over the serpent Yamata no Orochi. It will suffice to say the oldest recorded mythical image of him is that of an ambivalent deity, a heroic monster slayer on one hand, a transgressor and exile on the other. This polarity remains a core part of him for the rest of his history. The other early sources dealing with Susanoo are various fudoki, regional records. They indicate that in the eighth century he already was connected with diseases. Later on in the Heian period, he also came to be associated with purification. Or to be more precise - he came to be viewed as the archetypal target of purification, in a way. His misdeeds from classical mythology became examples of deeds requiring such ceremonies, performed variously by courtly ritual specialists like the Nakatomi clan, Buddhist clergy, or onmyōdō masters. He also functioned as a jinushi, a “landholder deity” of often ambivalent character tied to a specific location, and an araburugami, a “raging god” defined by causing havoc out of hubris (as opposed to malice).

Gozu Tennō and others: the network of medieval Susanoo Susanoo’s character developed through the Japanese “middle ages” in no small part through associations with other deities, typically caused by his incorporation into Buddhism.

A composite Susanoo-Gozu Tennō, as depicted by Sadahide Utagawa (Östasiatiska Museet, Stockholm)

The single most important figure he came to be linked with was by far Gozu Tennō, the “Bull-Headed Heavenly King”. While religious and literary texts present him as a deity from India, the guardian of the Jetavana monastery, and he was even furnished with an artificial Sanskrit name, Gomagriva Devaraja, his origin is actually uncertain. It’s possible he was inspired by a misreading of a passage from the travelog of the Chinese monk Faxian (c. 337-442). He visited Jetavana in the early fifth century, and reported that there was a statue of a bull next to the monastery’s door, before moving on to describing the supposed first image of the Buddha, which according to him was made from legendary “ox-head sandalwood” and impervious to fire. Confusion between these two passages might have led to the creation of an ox-headed deity. Other proposals are present in scholarship too, but ultimately the matter remains unclear. What is evident is that Susanoo and Gozu Tennō shared many similarities: the latter also was an archetypal “raging deity”, and he too was linked with pestilence. An argument can be made that he was the disease spirit par excellence in medieval Japan, in fact. When properly worshiped, he was supposed to protect the faithful from illnesses, as expected from a deity of this variety. They also shared an association with foreign lands: Gozu Tennō primarily with India, but also with China and Korea, while Susanoo just with Korea, due to a Nihon Shoki episode where he travels to the kingdom of Silla. Yet another point of connection is that both were simultaneously recognized as manifestations of Yakushi (the “medicine Buddha”). Therefore, it comes as no surprise that at the Gion shrine in Kyoto, and in many other locations across Japan, the two were identified fully.

However, the link was at times conceptualized differently than as interchangeability between the two. For instance, Kaneyoshi Ichijō’s treatise Kuji Kongen (公事根源; “Roots of Court Administration and Ceremonies”) Gozu Tennō is merely an “acolyte” (warawabe, 童部) of Susanoo. Granted, this author eventually came to view them as identical himself, which shows how fluid medieval theology could be.

A humorous depiction of Susanoo and Kushinadahime serving pieces of Yamata no Orochi prepared like grilled eel (Ōta Memorial Museum of Art; reproduced here for educational purposes only)

The identification between Susanoo and Gozu Tennō also extended to their wives, respectively Kushinadahime and Harisaijo (波梨采女), as evident for example in the Shaku Nihongi. The latter was regarded as a daughter of the dragon king Sāgara. Things are made slightly awkward by the Nihon Shoki Sanso, where she is a manifestation of Yamata no Orochi (one of the multiple cases of putting a positive spin on the snake). Susanoo in the guise of Gozu Tennō thus effectively marries his nemesis. The marriage itself is a subject of a number of myths. According to Hoki Naiden (簠簋内伝), an onmyōdō manual, the “heavenly emperor” (Taishakuten, one would presume, based on information I’ll discuss later) de facto played the role of a matchmaker between Harisaijo and Gozu Tennō. When the latter was lamenting that due to his monstrous, yaksha-like form - he had the head of a bull - he will never find love, a bird sent by the celestial ruler informed him that it would be appropriate for him and Sāgara’s daughter to get married. This suggestion then evidently works out just fine, and the couple subsequently have eight children, the Hachiōji (八王子, “eight princes”) over the course of thirty seven years.

Hyōbi (wikimedia commons)

There are multiple slightly divergent traditions about the identities of the children. The most notable variable is that a goddess named Jadokkeshin (蛇毒気神; also read Dadokuke no kami; “deity of poisonous snake breath”) sometimes appears among them, sometimes is treated as an independent deity serving Gozu Tennō, and sometimes takes the role of his spouse (in at least one case with Harisaijo quite literally relegated to the role of his ex). She is also identified with the astral deity Hyōbi (豹尾, “leopard tail”) and by extension with Ketu.

Another figure who was closely linked with Susanoo in the middle ages was Matarajin. This tradition was associated with Gakuen-ji. In a local legend, Susanoo started to be called Matarajin after being buried underneath it. I won’t dwell much on Matarajin here since I already wrote a lot about him, and will write even more in the near future, so it will suffice to say the two share a connection to diseases. In Matarajin’s case it is the most pronounced in the “ox festival” still held in modern times at Kōryū-ji.

Shinra Myōjin (wikimedia commons)

Connections between Susanoo and Matarajin’s fellow Tendai old man disease-related deities Sekizan Myōjin and Shinra Myōjin are documented too. Bernard Faure argues that in fact it was Shinra Myōjin who first developed such an association, and it was only transferred to Matarajin as well because of the numerous analogies between them.

A distinct tradition regarding Susanoo developed in the theology of Ise (“Ryōbu shintō”), which as expected was Amaterasu-centric (but also Dainichi-centric!). He came to be linked with Mara and Devadatta as a representation of “fundamental ignorance”, with the conflict between him and Amaterasy gaining an additional Buddhist dimension. At the same time, in the noh play Dairokuten (第六天), which deals with Jōkei’s pilgrimage to Ise, Susanoo appears to protect this monk from Mara. Evidently, in this context Susanoo and Amaterasu are hardly opposed to each other, seeing as the former de facto intervenes on behalf of the latter.

While the notion of rivalry between the siblings obviously did not vanish in the middle ages, and in fact new myths about it started to circulate (in one Matarajin assists Susanoo), it can be argued that it was ultimately the new conflict between Amaterasu and Mara that was central to many medieval theologies. While she and Susanoo could be portrayed as antagonistic, there is a case to be made that there were more similarities between medieval ideas about them than there were differences. That was not meant to last, though.

Later developments

The tradition of associating Susanoo with assorted medieval deities first came under criticism in the eighteenth century. Sadakage Amano, an early proponent of kokugaku ("national learning", an early Japanese nationalist ideology) ideas, wrote a treatise dealing with this matter, Gozu Tennō Ben (牛頭天王辨, “Clarification on Gozu Tennō”). Its core premise is that monks and shrine priests alike are deceptively trying to present “foreign” deities as identical with “native” ones. This point was further developed in the nineteenth century by another kokugaku big name, Atsutane Hirata.

Hirata's self portrait (wikimedia commons)

He reaffirmed that presenting Susanoo and Gozu Tennō as related deities was a nefarious plot, and blamed Kibi no Makibi for starting it. He argued that Makibi spent too much time in China and as a result forsake a pristinely Japanese way of thinking (whatever that wouldn't entail). As a result, when he heard the legend of ox-head sandalwood, which was believed to grow on the mythical continent Uttarakuru and cure diseases, he turned it into a deity, who he subsequently brought to Japan. Then he identified him with Susanoo to increase his prestige.

Was that the historical truth? Kibi no Makibi was an envoy to China and spent around 20 years on the mainland, that much is undeniable. However, the only connection between him and Gozu Tennō I was able to track down is a local legend pertaining to Mount Hiromine in which he meets this deity in a dream, though.

Ultimately like most of Hirata’s writing, his theory consists virtually entirely of confabulations, mostly motivated by extreme levels of xenophobia. Rather ironic for a movement which originally largely developed among the most hardcore neo-Confucian thinkers in Japan. Granted, that’s hardly the only baffling thing about them. The best way to understand what was going on in the heads of kokugaku proponents is to recall how contemporary marble bust profile pic “the west has fallen” trads or Bible literalist creationists function, and adjust that image for the specifics of the Edo period.

Still, kokugaku theories, nonsensical as they were, kept developing, and finally gained government support after the Meiji revolution. In 1868, the Council of State proclaimed that shrines can no longer use “inappropriate” names to refer to their deities. Gozu Tennō was the only example brought up directly, in part possibly because with the reestablishment of the power of the emperor and the rise of the imperial cult it was viewed as suspicious that a deity unrelated to the imperial court had the moniker of tennō (written with different signs, though). The edict also contains a blanket ban on any name with the element gongen. As a result of the new policies numerous locations had to be renamed, and for the most part the history of Gozu Tennō came to an end. He and his peers eventually came back into the spotlight in the second half of the twentieth century as subjects of scholarly inquiries, and the field of study of medieval and early modern Japanese religions is now booming, with entire monographs and articles published in multiple languages each year, but that’s another story.

The history of Susanoo obviously did not end in the 1860s, though. What followed was probably the single darkest page in it, an era of intense efforts to make him identical with Dangun, the legendary founder of Korea. The goal was explicitly to justify Japanese colonial control over Korea through faux-spiritual means. Since Japanese colonial domination of Korea is a relatively recent and deeply serious historical issue compared to what I cover most of the time, I feel it would be inappropriate to deal with it in the same article as medieval literature which ultimately lacks much of a tangible impact on the modern world, so I hope you won’t mind I don’t go deeper into the detail here.

With the matter of Susanoo now settled, let’s move on to Indra. The two were never associated with each other, but the latter developed an equally vibrant network of roles and associated deities around him as Susanoo after being transmitted to Japan.

From Indra to Taishakuten

A typical Hindu depiction of thousand-eyed Indra (wikimedia commons)

Indra has a long and complex history, so long he is in fact attested a handful of times in bronze age cuneiform already as one of the notoriously mysterious non-Hurrian Mitanni deities (sic), invoked as personal deities of the royal house in a lengthy treaty oath. This makes him one of the very few “bridges” between my two major normally disconnected interests (the “cuneiform world” on one hand, and East Asian religions and art on the other).

The biggest early text corpus dealing with Indra are the Vedas, where he is the single most frequently mentioned deity, with quite literally hundreds of hymns praising him. Naturally, he remained a part of the history of Hinduism later on, and today he is still well known thanks to his role in popular epics like Ramayana. His relevance is not limited to this system of beliefs alone, though. He has a small (negative) role in the Avesta (see here), and he was embraced by various schools of Buddhism across much of Asia.

In early Buddhism, the prestige of Indra was not particularly great. This obviously reflects the fact that the formative years of Buddhism were also a period of Indra’s relative decline as an actively worshiped god back at home at the expense of deities central in contemporary Hinduism like Vishnu and Shiva. However, he surprisingly regained some of his original prestige thanks to developments which occurred outside of India. This is well documented in East Asia in particular. I’ll only cover his Japanese reception here - therefore, through most of the rest of the article I will use his Japanese name, Taishakuten (帝釈天), accordingly. Buddhism emphasizes not Indra’s warlike side and his battles with asuras, let alone a connection with the weather, but rather his role as a heavenly ruler. He keeps epithets related to his 1000 eyes, but to the best of my knowledge this is not really reflected in Buddhist art, especially not in Japan. Another role retained by him in Buddhism is that of a directional deity, the protector of the east.

Something that’s worth highlighting is that asuras in general just aren’t that big of a deal in Japanese Buddhism. Outside of enumerations of non-human sentient beings, only Rahu and Ketu have a substantial role, and that’s more because they’re astral deities rather than because they’re asuras. Otherwise the entire category is about as opaque as mahoragas (when you look up “mahoraga” online 99% results are a Jujutsu Kaisen character, as it turns out, which speaks volumes about their general obscurity) and the like. Hard to make opposition to them the focus of a major deity when even gandharvas have a bigger role to play.

I can only think of a handful of major references to battles between Taishakuten and asuras in Japanese literature: an offhand comment in Heike Monogatari (courtesy of Kenreimon-in), a passage from the Taiheiki where Jōkei (who you already met earlier in this article) has the privilege to watch the parties involved reenact the conflict for his benefit, and a myth cited by Annen with no source provided, possibly invented by him. The innovation is that Marici (Marishiten) is a major combatant on the side of the devas, something with no parallel in any other source, whether Buddhist or Hindu. Rahu is singled out among the asuras as an enemy of Taishakuten, but that’s hardly unparalleled.

The conventional image of Taishakuten

A conventional depiction of Taishakuten (wikimedia commons)

For the average Japanese person through much of the country’s history, the most frequent exposure to Taishakuten were standardized oath formulas (kishōmon). These followed a strict hierarchy of deities: Taishakuten, Bonten (Brahma) and the four heavenly kings first, then king Enma, Godo Daishin (Wudao Dashen), Taizan Fukun and other underworld officials (sometimes assisted by astral figures), then kami and representations of Buddhas tied to specific localities (for example the great Buddha of Tōdai-ji), and sometimes various religiously significant historical figures like prince Shotoku or Buddhist patriarchs. Obviously, Taishakuten’s elevated position reflects his role as a heavenly ruler - the “heavenly emperor”, tentei (天帝).

The residence of Taishakuten is the heaven of the thirty three devas (忉利天, Tōriten, a calque from Sanskrit Trāyastriṃśa). It is located on Mount Sumeru, the center of the world according to Buddhist cosmology. Sources from the Heian period indicate the existence of a belief Taishakuten’s heaven is unique in that women could be reborn in it after death without first reincarnating as men. This distinction was otherwise only attributed to the pure land of Maitreya. Note it was not Taishakuten himself who was responsible for guaranteeing that, though, but rather the bodhisattva Fugen, who was particularly popular among Heian court ladies.

Karai Tenjin (wikimedia commons)

Taishakuiten’s major position in the Buddhist-influenced cosmos is also evident in literary compositions focused on other deities. For example, in the Dōken Shōnin Meidoki (道賢上人冥途記, “Record of Dōken Shōnin’s Experience of the Other World”), a version of the legend of Michizane, his revenge is supported by Taishakuten, who gives him a new name, Nihon Dajō Itoku Ten (日本太政威徳天). This is meant to show his banishment was a religious transgression, and we also learn that the emperor responsible for it, Daigo, fell into hell as a result. However, esoteric Buddhism is also credited with calming Michizane down - as he explains himself, “bodhisattvas (...) were there, and they enthusiastically propagated the esoteric teachings. Because I liked these teachings very much, one-tenth of my deeply seated enmity from my past was reduced.” This obviously goes against the more common legend where being enshrined pacifies Michizabe entirely. In the Dōken version he announces that the enshrined deity, who he calls Karai Taiki Dokuō (火雷大気毒王; “King of Fire-Thunder and Poisonous Air”), is merely his messenger #3 (#1 and #2 are not mentioned).

The closest thing I can think of to Taishakuten being associated with the weather in Japanese sources occurs in a version of the Michizane legend, too: in another variant, Michizane states it was Taishakuten alone who permitted him to enact his vengeance and entrusted him with commanding 105000 thunder gods (in the Dōken Shōnin Meidoki there are 168000 attendants instead, “poisonous dragons, evil demons, deities of water and fire, thunder and lightning, the director of the wind, the master of the rain, and other poisonous, harmful, and evil deities”) and causing disasters.

From emperor to heaven to controller of fate

Due to his prominent cosmological role Taishakuten is also described in many sources as a controller of fate responsible for determining the lifespans of living beings. Sometimes, in this capacity he basically overlaps with king Enma - for example, Shishi Yaloan, a Buddhist encyclopedia from the eleventh century, states that he also possesses a mirror in which he can check on his subjects. A local tradition from Tateyama states that he lives on the Taishaku Peak of Mt. Tate, simultaneously regarded as an entrance to Buddhist hell. However, while Enma and the other kings of hell generally stay there, Taishakuten takes a more proactive role, seeking information about the good and bad deeds of the living. Initially, it was believed that a survey of the whole world was conducted on his behalf by the four heavenly kings, but by the tenth century, a belief that he performs it himself every four months himself developed.

The famously unconventional depiction of Taishakuten from Shibamata Taishakuten, still distributed today in the form of ofuda (wikimedia commons)

In the Edo period, Taishakuten as a controller of fate developed a connection with deities associated with the tradition of kōshin nights. In this context he became the deity the three worms living in every person’s body report their good and bad deeds to. Temples associated with him, like Shibamata Taishakuten (famous among other things for its unconventional images of the eponymous deity), were historically a popular destination for pilgrimages tied to kōshin celebrations.

While the fate connection ultimately came to the forefront in Japan, it would be unfair to say it entirely superseded the original heavenly role. As a matter of fact, it was the fact that Taishakuten was a “heavenly emperor” (tentei) that made him such a good fit for kōshin.

The elusive "emissary of Taishaku" As early as in the Muromachi period, yet another deity came to be viewed as responsible for Taishakuten's survey of the world in a variant tradition: one of the so-called “ambulatory deities” (遊行神, yugyōjin; “ambulatory” as in “wandering”, not in the medical sense) , Ten’ichi(jin) (天一神; also read Nakagami), literally “the first deity of heaven”. He was regarded as a “vassal” of Taishakuten and the commander of the Twelve Heavenly Generals. Each of his cyclical surveys of the world lasted 44 days (four times five days for each of the main directions and then four times six for the intermediate ones). That was followed by sixteen days during which he reported the vices and virtues he recorded to Taishakuten in heaven, with his own underling Nichiyū(jin) (日遊神; “playing sun deity”) descending to earth instead. During Tenichi’s absence, which started with a day referred to as Ten’ichi tenjō (天一天上), directional taboos pertaining to various astral deities, which normally had to be countered with a practice known as “changing directions” (方違え, katatagae), did not apply.

Taishaku Shisha (top right) and his peers accompanying Dakiniten (wikimedia commons)

Another interesting thing about Ten’ichi is that he was identified with an elusive deity known simply as Taishaku Shisha (帝釈使者), literally “emissary of Taishaku”. At first glance this doesn’t really sound interesting - after all, Taishaku Shisha’s name sounds exactly like what Ten’ichi does - but completely unexpectedly, the former actually belongs to the entourage of Dakiniten. His attributes make him resemble officials of the underworld, though he is never portrayed as menacing, always as benign, and his duty is to report the good and bad deeds to his superiors, much like Ten’ichi does. He additionally functions as a god of wisdom, which according to Bernard Faure might reflect Dakiniten’s link to the bodhisattva Monju, famous due to an association with this concept.

Curiously, while Taishaku Shisha is at least nominally a member of a group of four “acolytes” of Dakiniten alongside Tennyoshi (天女子; “heavenly maiden”; holds a bow), Shakunyoshi (赤女子; “red maiden”; holds a halberd and a “seduction jewel”, aikei-gyoku, 愛敬玉) and Kokunyoshi (黒女子; “black maiden”; holds a sword and a black jewel), he is sometimes described as de facto separate from them. Perhaps the fact his very name links him with another deity has something to do with that. Also, he is absent from the origin myth of the three maidens, who according to Hoki Naiden flew to Japan from India. According to Bernard Faure, it is possible his roles overlapped in part with Dakiniten’s own emissaries, the tengu Tonyūgyō (頓遊行; brings happiness) and Suyochisō (須臾馳走; brings longevity).

Dakiniten, “demon kings” and Amaterasu: the network of Taishakuten

Dakiniten (wikimedia commons)

Taishakuten’s connection with Dakiniten goes beyond the figure of Taishaku Shisa. The Mizōukyo (未曽有經) contains a myth according to which a fox once tricked Indra into accepting the animal as his master is recorded. It serves as an explanation for the notably fox-like Dakiniten’s elevated role in the royal ascension rite devised by Shingon priests (it was still performed in the 19th century, emperor Meiji was the first to abstain from it). In folk beliefs Taishakuten was also sometimes assigned the role of the “master of the foxes”, which normally belonged to her instead.

The link to these animals according to Bernard Faure might have reflected a more ambivalent perception of Taishakuten than usually expected. The other possible piece of evidence in favor of this interpretation is a poem which proclaims that he and Tsuno Daishi, the demonic manifestation of Ryōgen, look “like brothers”. The latter is a complex figure, but it will suffice to say here that historically he was sometimes perceived as a “demon king” (魔王, maō). On the other hand, the original holder of this title, the “Demon King of the Sixth Heaven” (in other words, Mara) was said to offer his blood to Taishakuten on “blood-shunning days” (地幅, chi-imbi). In practical terms, this meant a religious prohibition on the drawing of blood, acupuncture and moxibustion on a specific day, different each month. I need to stress here that even though figures such as Dakiniten and the “demon kings” obviously originated in the realm of demonology - respectively as a flesh-eating, vital essence-stealing demon and as the tempter of the Buddha - they eventually developed much more complex and nuanced characters. Therefore, it is not unexpected major deities appear in association with them. In the middle ages, even Amaterasu was frequently linked with them. Funnily enough, in contrast with Susanoo Amaterasu does have a connection to Taishakuten as well. Tenshō Daijin Kuketsu (天照大神口決; “Oral Transmission.Pertaining to the Great Goddess Amaterasu”) from 1328 states that she corresponds to him - but also to Bonten, Shōten (Ganesha), the kushōjin (倶生神; these would take a bit to explain), king Enma and Godō Daijin. Granted, another roughly contemporary treatise, Reikiki, instead proclaims Taishakuten, the “heavenly emperor” (tentei; just like in the later kōshin tradition) the “kami-body” of Toyouke, the outer shrine Ise deity. However, these matters ultimately go beyond the scope of this response. Stay tuned for my article about medieval Amaterasu to find out more!

Bibliography

Ryūichi Abe, Women and the “Heike Nōkyō”: the Dragon Princess, the Jewel and the Buddha

Bernard Faure, The Fluid Pantheon (Gods of Medieval Japan vol. 1)

Idem, Protectors and Predators (Gods of Medieval Japan vol. 2)

Idem, Rage and Ravage (Gods of Medieval Japan vol. 3)

Gerald Gromer, A Year in Seventeenth-Century Kyoto. Edo-Period Writings on Annual Ceremonies, Festivals, and Customs

Takuya Hino, The Daoist Facet of Kinpusen and Sugawara no Michizane Worship in the Dōken Shōnin Meidoki: A Translation of the Dōken Shōnin Meidoki

Nobumi Iyanaga, Medieval Shintō as a Form of 'Japanese Hinduism': An Attempt at Understanding Early Medieval Shintō

William Lindsey, Religion and the Good Life: Motivation, Myth, and Metaphor in a Tokugawa Female Lifestyle Guide

Fabio Rambelli, Before the First Buddha: Medieval Japanese Cosmogony and the Quest for the Primeval Kami

Hiroo Satō, Wrathful Deities and Saving Deities in: Fabio Rambelli and Mark Teeuwen (eds.), Buddhas and Kami in Japan. Honji Suijaku as a Combinatory Paradigm

Idem, The Emergence of Shinkoku (Land of the Gods) Ideology in Japan in: Henk Blezer and Mark Teeuwen (eds.), Challenging Paradigms. Buddhism and Nativism: Framing Identity Discourse in Buddhist Environments

David Weiss, The God Susanoo and Korea in Japan’s Cultural Memory: Ancient Myths and Modern Empire.

#susanoo #taishakuten #japanese esoteric buddhism #japanese mythology

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moonspirit · 2 months ago

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This year has been a relentless struggle, as life always is—a cycle of endless hurdles and suffocating realities. I wanted to take a moment to thank you for writing and for being so kind, even when you may not realize the weight your words carry. I am trapped in a house that feels more like a cage, isolated from the world except for the strained, distant presence of siblings and the domineering shadow of a narcissistic father. Even among my siblings, we rarely speak; the silence is heavy, almost as if we’re strangers bound by circumstance rather than choice. My world outside these walls is limited to academic obligations, and even those are tightly controlled. Yet, since birth, I’ve always been terrible at connecting with others. Friendships require consistency and energy—traits I lack. Who would want a friend like me, someone who drifts in and out of existence, appearing only to vanish again for months on end? I am dull, uninterested, and uninterested in myself.

Whenever I begin to develop an interest, I destroy it purposefully because I know why my mind clings to these fleeting distractions. They’re not genuine passions; they’re survival mechanisms, desperate attempts to escape the bitter reality I cannot change. Occasionally, I allow myself to indulge, letting these illusions provide a fleeting sense of comfort. That’s what your writing has done for me—it offered a momentary reprieve from the hollow, relentless despair of my existence. Until now, I had never read a single fic, never considered them. Yours was the first, recommended by a stranger who mentioned it after I took a rare step to comment online, defending Annie—a small, unexpected moment that led me here. I don’t typically interact online, but this was different.

I’m sorry for spilling all this chaos at your feet; it’s just that your work has been a lifeline. After endless sleepless nights of work, when the emptiness inside me grew so vast it felt like it might swallow me whole, your world filled that void, even briefly. That void will always remain, a silent torment, but for a fleeting moment, your words dulled its sting. So thank you for that. Happy New Year—and may your words continue to reach others lost in their own darkness, giving them even a flicker of light.

Thank you for writing something that could pierce through the bleak monotony of my reality. In this hollow existence, where time feels more like a curse than a gift, your words were like shadows that spoke, reminding me that even in darkness, there’s something to hold onto, even if just for a moment. Your story didn’t try to fix anything—it didn’t need to. It gave me a mirror, a distraction, a small escape, and that is more than I could have asked for. So, thank you. Keep creating, even if the world feels too heavy. Sometimes, it’s the weight that gives depth. Happy New Year, and may your words continue to carve meaning into spaces that feel lost.

I apologize for making you read all that rant.

Hello Momo :3

First of all, very very Happy New Year to you too, and no apologies needed, I was glad to read all this. Very glad, thank you so much for sharing :3

I won't claim to understand 100% of what you're going through, simply because to say so would be a lie and also ignorant. Each person's demons are best understood by themselves, so all I can say is, I'm so sorry Momo :< This year's been hard on you, and you didn't deserve it. When you live in such isolation, trying to find some connection in other people can be the hardest thing ever, a truly daunting task which makes the smallest bump feel like a failure. We are just social animals, no matter how often we wake up in the mornings and decide "I don't want to see anybody today", living in an empty box is simply not possible for us.

You're right, friendships require consistency and energy, but they also require understanding and patience. The bad news is that not everyone has the latter two but the good news is that plenty of others do.

Re: your interests, for my part I'd like to say that there's absolutely nothing wrong in clinging to interests for the sake of survival, because... it's survival! To survive is a big deal, it matters on its own, it has great weight, and if you survived a day by hanging on to an interest that helped you pull through - that's actually wonderful, I believe. We shouldn't put interests on pedestals, they are not gods to be worshiped forever and ever. They are little colourful stones that we collect for fun, and we lose them of them, and find some new ones.

It is not my place to dictate what you should or shouldn't do, but can I maybe ask you to think about trying to love your interests, however fleeting, in 2025? Don't put them in the trophy showcase Momo. It's just a pile of nice stones you're collecting. If one makes a day better, then it's worth it even if you lose it later, because then you'll find another stone, and another.

As for VBEOW, I'm honestly incredibly happy it's serving its purpose. I started writing it for the exact same reason - to escape. Kald and Aruani and all the OCs and all the things that happen in this world, are things I find wonder in, like exploring a whole new world that I've never been to before. It was my sincere wish right from the start and still continues to be now, that it offers the same reprieve to someone else.

If you've found escapism in VBEOW, that's enough of a gift for me :3 And I'll do my very very best to continue giving, I promise this to you and everyone else who reads.

Thank you so much for all this, Momo, and please know, that there are many different kinds of people in this world and many of them will be kind to you, with understanding and patience.

For that, you have to pull through, year after year. You must. You absolutely must.

#and happy new year again :3!#you sent this twice but dont worry I got it the first time!#tumblr didn't swallow it haha xD #askies #momoisgrey #misc.#new year 2025

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howlsofbloodhounds · 8 months ago

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Man I love your headcanons SM!! Do you perhaps have any on what color and killer were thinking when they first met each other?

Now, this is gonna be a bit difficult to answer on Killer’s end simply because his views on Color will be drastically different depending on what Stage he was in when they first met.

The quote “a fell first, but b fell harder,” regardless of romantic or platonic or something in between interpretations, has always been something I seen being able to apply to Killer and Color. Color fell first, Killer fell harder.

I’ve always been under the impression that Color was always aware of Killer before Killer even knew Color existed. The man has a reputation, everyone steers clear of him. He is inherently isolated except to, as it seems, come out of nowhere and brutally terrorize or murder anyone he sees. If anyone knows anything different, they don’t speak; either from fear or loyalty.

I doubt Stage 2 would think much of anything of Color at first if they were to ever had met while Killer was in this Stage. Unless Color manages to hold his curiosity or Killer can somehow gain something from interacting with him, I doubt Killer would get involved. He’s not interested in much of anything or anyone genuinely in this Stage.

Stage 1 Killer is interested in people, he doesn’t want to be alone. But he believes he is safer alone. He needs to protect people from himself, he knows how he can be. And he’s also..deep down, terrified of others. Of getting close to people. Of being subjected to another’s will yet again. Losing himself in them, too obnoxiously uncaring in Stage 2 to do much of anything about it.

He’s allowed so much to be done to him while Stage 2. His body feels defiled from every touch, and a part of him is almost relieved that Stage 2 seems to have become more territorial of certain things—more willing to assert some red lines, even if it does often result in people being stabbed and broken bones. That Stage 2 is starting to practice some semblance of autonomy with the free will he stole.

Stage 1 will try to warn Color to stay away from him. Even as he is choking on DT and crying in pain, and Color instinctively moves to try and touch him, but Killer would immediately push him away. Color doesn’t understand how even slightly touching him can result in his death.

Color would see someone in pain, and in deep denial about being in pain, and someone believing he deserves everything that’s ever happened to him. Someone too hopeless to care about himself, someone who despite all his Determination, has given up totally and completely on himself.

Stage 1 Killer would see his future victim. It’s not an if in his mind, it’s when. And he can’t take that.

And he doesn’t like how this guy is looking at him. He’s not something to be empathizing with. He deserves this, and if Color knew the truth, he’d agree.

Fortunately, or unfortunately for Killer at this point in time, Color is filled with kindness and patience and perseverance. He’s steadfast, without being intrusive.

He keeps consistently trying to reach out, let Killer know that the hand is offered. He doesn’t command him to take it, and he doesn’t flinch when the hand is slapped away with a weak, tearful glare.

I think it’s actually very important that their relationship starts with Stage 1. Color would never get anywhere with Killer if they met in Stage 2, the apathy and dissociation is just far too strong.

Stage 2 does not connect to the past, too steadfast and firm in the belief that he doesn’t feel anything. Trying to connect with Stage 2 emotionally is going to be a major bust that’s likely to end in bloodshed.

By meeting Killer when hes in Stage 1, Color gets to build a sense of familiarity, connection, and safety with Killer. But more importantly, hope.

And it has a ripple effect across the other Stages, given how Stage 2 suddenly is more tolerant of Color’s presence and less likely to resort to violence immediately—not to say that he won’t, just that he hasn’t yet. Perhaps..a bit reluctant, for a reason he does not yet understand.

(Something like this for Stage 2. Color feels familiar in a way most things don’t anymore, and that catches his attention and fascination. And the more he picks at Color’s layers, the more he keeps finding something new, something different. I believe Stage 2 is intensely fascinated by Color. He waits for the day he gets bored of Color, and yet it never seems to come.)

With the sense of safety already established, it gives grounds for Stage 2 to..peak out from behind the curtain of his “silly, talkative, hyperactive idiot” facade in favor of another self—apathetic and shallow. And perhaps, occasionally, with the single eyelight in his right eye socket, Color can begin coaxing him out a little further from that apathetic shell.

It won’t be easy. It’s exactly like trying to tame and rehabilitate a feral animal with rabies who thinks being tame means being a slave.

All is to say, I think Color’s just really good at instinctively noticing when someone is not who they say they are or when there’s something more beneath a surface.

He’s aware of all the apathetic, manipulative, violent, remorseless, problematic aspects of Killer’s character. He knows he’s dangerous and likely to attempt to manipulate or use Color if he believes there’s something to gain from doing so.

He knows Killer is very likely going to push and push and push on his boundaries just to see what he can get away with, what Color can take before he gives. And he also knows that Stage 1 is going to keep trying to push him away, believing himself a complete and utter monster but trying to avoid what he believes is inevitable anyway. Because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone.

He knows he’s going to have a hard time trying to convince Killer to admit what he actually wants. Even harder convincing Killer that what he wants matters at all.

Despite that, he’s going to help. Because he also is starting to understand why Killer thinks this way, why he is this way. Because the more he learns, the more he grows to care for killer. All parts of Killer.

Because alongside his violent and uncaring nature, his tendencies to both need to control and then to completely withdraw in stage 2, he choices to be gentle with the cats that rely on him.

He is relentlessly resilient and determined, pushing towards a goal or purpose regardless of how many times he falters. He doesn’t let others’ opinions hinder him, and he’s a deeply loyal person regardless of how “little” or big the reason for it is. Even if the loyalty can be conditional.

Color sees it with the attentive gaze whenever he speaks, how killer hands him objects to fiddle with whenever he notices the flames becoming too sharp and real, forces himself to memorize color’s favorite trips and pictures and drinks and shows.

Listens whenever Color starts talking about his favorite shows and even attempts to engage with Color’s special interests with him. It’s extremely hard for killer to remember or pay attention for too long, even with color, yet he still tries to remember every detail he finds fascinating about color.

He gradually grows to respect color enough to listen to his opinions and thoughts seriously, and actually consider them rather than dismissing him. Killer respects him enough to at least try to put in effort and consideration.

And because it’s the right thing to do.

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scarybabe · 1 year ago

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I was reading your most recent ask discussing the toxicity of some members towards people who started skinny but chose to get fat.

I find it interesting that a community that claims acceptance of all body types becomes toxic when one chooses to change that body type. I definitely think that fatphobia is a large part of the equation there, and this could easily be tested by seeing if people who have been thin their whole lives react as negatively to someone who consciously chose to loose weight. At the same time, I've seen (anectodally, so take with a grain of salt) toxicity from the FA community whenever one of their favorite models decides to lose weight of their own volition. Do you have any idea why that might be? I would love to hear your thoughts on it.

I think that people only like change when that change corresponds with their personal tastes, and disapprove when the change is making us less attractive to them.

When I was petite & known for my inflations and stuffings, I definitely caught heat from a big share of my content consumers because changing my appearance so much diminished my ability to give the crazy before and afters i made myself known for. And at some point in the future whenever I lose weight after hitting my 300+ lb goal, I know people will be upset because they either wanted to see me even bigger or expected me to stay the same size forever.

My point is that people’s tastes and preferences are all over the place and unless you stay exactly the same forever, you’ll always disappoint somebody.

People often forget with weight gain models especially that there is a human connected to all the sexy body fat that y’all adore. You should always put the well-being of the human first, and if someone wants to gain/lose weight for their own happiness or well being you shouldn’t interrogate them or shame them for doing what they need to feel good in their skin.

I also think honesty and transparency is huge - I’ve been very open about my weight gain being a semi temporary thing from the BEGINNING and everyone knows they’ll be getting pregnancy content from me someday in the semi near future❣️ and as great as I usually feel at my current size, not being genetically predisposed to carrying this amount of weight has given me some lower back pains from gaining so fast - basically I know I will have a better experience being pregnant if I’m strong and fit (I’ll remain fat don’t worry, just not quite as fat). I basically plan on lifting weights and eating intuitively until my body finds the size it’s happiest at and I don’t care what the number is as long as I feel capable and strong ❤️ it could mean even just losing like 30 lbs lmao - I’m not concerned with being petite ever again, just losing the back pain and gaining muscle.

All that to say that setting expectations also affects people’s reaction to someone changing their size as well - knowing and expecting it will still make some people upset sure, but at least it won’t be because they feel “lead on”. And to go even further - just because I like to share a lot about my planned body transformation trajectory doesn’t mean that a content creator is required to disclose their personal health status & plans outside of what they choose to share and nobody is entitled to that. By sharing as much as I do, I don’t want to set a precedent for expecting THAT MUCH from everyone - just be thankful to have creators who do let you in on our personal lives and for those of us that don’t, respect their boundaries.

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jamerasjournal · 1 year ago

Text

Here we are, bound by a string that goes out of my heart and into yours, made of two souls twisted into one. I so often forget that you’ve been on this earthly side 10 years longer than I have. You, quiet and stoic, and me stumbling behind you, grasping for your coat tails asking questions that you always seem to have an answer for. When we first met I used to think that eventually you’d get tired of me. But if patience is a virtue, you truly are the most virtuous of us all. You’re still here.

You have one of the most beautiful hearts I’ve ever been blessed to hold. I didn’t know a chilly November night would bring me someone that would stick by my side the way you have. Everyone who knows us can feel how deeply we love each other. So deep, that many people aren’t even able to comprehend it. But we do. I moved 1000 miles away from home and the first gift Utah gave me was you. How you showed up exactly as I needed you to. It doesn’t make sense how we get on each others last nerve, but can’t stand being apart. How if we haven’t seen each other in 72 hours it feels like a puzzle piece is missing. Who else can I talk to through the sky? How intricately connected do you have to be to be able to feel each others vibrational frequencies. The way we can say, “I need you.” without a single word dropping from our lips. And yet, we always answer the call.

You’ve taught me that I don’t always have to speak, sometimes all I need to do is show up. In every season, in every storm. I’ve watched you transition from she to they. Watched the hair grow on your legs, I’ve watched your eyes light up when I tell you that you look handsome. You’ve taught me that you don’t need the same parents to be a sister, or certain body parts. That some things don’t make sense, they just are. You just are. Here for the vibes, even when you’re unwell. I know sometimes you fake it, cuz you’d do anything to keep my smile big and my eyes bright. You’d give me the world if I asked you for it. I know that’s too much, but if you smile for me one more time, I promise to pour the sweetness of life through the gaps in your teeth. You’re still here.

A psychic once told me that this is our 4th lifetime together. Thank you for finding me. It all makes sense now. I hope in the 5th one you’re not as sad. And if it so happens that the stars align and they spell out sorrow. Then I will beg and beg to take your place. That’s how much I love you. I am my sister’s keeper. And you’re still here.

You are a fighter. On the days when your spirit is bright. You are a fighter. On the days when you are stapled to the mattress with thoughts stuck in the back of your throat. You are a fighter. And you’re still here. My sister, my fiercest protector, I know there’s not too many people who love me the way you do. I am always reminded that best friends are so hard to find, because the very best friend is already mine. And you are still here.

-jamera naquai, You’re Still Here

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scaly-freaks · 8 months ago

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I love love love dark stories. I don’t know why but they just itch my brain perfectly. Your stories I swear are thoughts I’ve had (let’s not get into that) and written out in a way I couldn’t fully conceive.

I’ve been practicing some writing just as a hobby and I think for me to write dark stories it feels like I need to fully cross a wall of some sort to out those thoughts on paper. Not sure how to overcome it but I’m trying.

But yeah idk why but the sadder and more brutal a story is the better and I think it’s because on an emotional level I can just connect with it if that makes sense?

Anyways this is just a long winded way of me saying that I love your work and appreciate the effort you put into fleshing out characters and having us connect with them in that way. (I also love sappy moments too but idk with dark stories they feel earned in a way like we worked for it and achieved a short lived reprieve)

Also just a quick little question, how would an interaction between Daemon and Amara go? This is gonna sound terrible but when you mentioned the stepdad au my mind went to him before our Egg boy.

No because...same. I write dark stories and revel in them the way people revel in comfort media. I understand them, and the necessity of finding light amidst the darkness is something I've lived with all my life so familiarity breeds comfort in me. Sometimes I get a little startled because someone will read what I wrote and be like wtf how does this happen? How is it ever allowed to happen? And I'm like yeah...why did that happen to me? Why was it allowed to happen? But then I turn off the switch and dive back into fiction to cope (as I think many people who create art out of trauma will profess to - it's a way of distancing yourself but acknowledging it).

That wall (I know what you mean) will be crossed eventually I think. Just stay aware that it's not a wall you want to cross often or live beyond all the time. It's somewhere to retreat to, but always remember to climb over it and return to the other side otherwise it can get too much.

Thank you so much for this ask though, it makes me feel so seen and appreciated. I often worry that I'm upsetting people with how abjectly miserable my work can get, and force myself to lighten it up so it'll be more palatable. But the AU idea I posted yesterday named 'fuck puppet' is mostly what I write well and consistently (Amara does kill him in the end, so there's no romanticisation there, it's just pure victim vs abuser, beast vs human, and she wins).

And HMMM okay, so if you asked me about Daemon and Amara two years ago, I'd be like ew no. He really irritated me as a character when everyone was defending him, but the defence of him as stopped being as cloying and the writers have dug into the pathetic aspects of his nature more so I'm open to exploring him.

Plus, ironically whenever he interacted with Amara in my fics even when I hated him, there were readers who pointed out that there was sexual tension there (which I didn't even intend!) So clearly, there'd be something there, what with her daddy issues and his ability to appear put together and intelligent in front of a much younger woman.

I think where it takes Aegon longer to identify Amara's childishness and immaturity (because his own outshines hers a lot of the time), Daemon would snap at it in an instant. Eventually, Aegon gets there and is like okay, my turn to take care of you but Daemon reaches the destination immediately and does softer things to figure out whether she sees him in a remotely romantic/sexual way. So maybe a gentle hand on her waist to move her aside, resting it on the small of her back to comfort her (but only for a second) or giving her that odd little smile when she's yapping that has a twinkle of endearment in it. I think she'd fall for it pretty fast, and get a kick out of all her friends being disgusted by the idea of her having sex with an 'old man' (because obviously to them he is). She doesn't see it as exploitation, and she doesn't have to. When she's in his bed for entire weekends and he's using every trick in his extensive book of sexual tricks on her, she barely has time to think never mind wonder if this is right. I think he probably would need Viagra though bc canon Daemon strikes me as the type to wear out pretty fast, but Amara would be the insatiable party and well...there we go.

Anyway, over time, she is a little flighty, and her friends' constant judgement does weigh on her, along with the fact that Daemon's immaturity isn't like her immaturity. He's still ahead of her in experience. He can gaslight her into believing his pettiness is actually adult wisdom. So if he doesn't like her hanging out with boys her own age, he'll cut at her intelligence and make her feel diminished and stupid for thinking those boys could possibly want her for anything more than sex. And she'd fully believe him. She'd probably be reduced to tears after screaming at him for being a dickhead, and then accept his palm caressing her face telling her it's fine, and that he didn't mean it, and has she seen herself? She's so beautiful, anyone would want her. He just loves her and is worried someone will take advantage. And then that of course leads to sex and her feeling relieved Daemon cares so much and giving him everything she's got to make sure he feels the pleasure in return. Thus, the whole cycle starts again.

I can't believe I'm saying this but...Aegon might just have to be the rescuer in this situation LMAO. Daemon would not let her go easily.

#my oc: amara #daemon x amara #never thought i'd create this tag #asks

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merymoonbeam · 2 years ago

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I had to give me up - Elain Prison Theory

Firstly thanks to @lesolehabitantdelalune and @offtorivendell because without them I wouldn't have catch this.

Okay...so we all know Amren came from another universe and had a different form. Old fae feared her because they thought she was like their old masters.

Rhys shook his head. “Only vaguely now. From what I’ve gleaned, she arrived during those years before Fionn and Gwydion rose, and went into the Prison during the Age of Legends—the time when this land was full of heroic figures who were keen to hunt down the last members of their former masters’ race. They feared Amren, believing her one of their enemies, and threw her into the Prison. When she emerged again, she’d missed Fionn’s fall and the loss of Gwydion, and found the High Lords ruling.” (acosf)

And from Acowar we know that Amren got out of Prison because she gave up her "real" form to be fae. In here she says that to walk out of Prison she had give herself up.

Her brows narrowed. “I had to give something up. I had to give me up. To walk out, I had to become something else entirely, something the Prison would not recognize. So I—I bound myself into this body.” (acowar)

and this part she is talking about being different from her kind. she wanted.

“I lied—to cover what I’d done. So none could know. To escape the Prison, I made myself mortal. Immortal as you are, but … mortal compared to—to what I was. And what I was … I did not feel, the way you do. The way I do now. Some things—loyalty and wrath and curiosity—but not the full spectrum.” Again, that faraway look. “I was perfect, according to some. I did not regret, did not mourn—and pain … I did not experience it. And yet… yet I wound up here, because I was not quite like the others. Even as—as what I was, I was different. Too curious. Too questioning. The day the rip appeared in the sky … it was curiosity that drove me. My brothers and sisters fled. Upon the orders of our ruler, we had just laid waste to twin cities, smote them wholly into rubble on the plain, and yet they fled from that rip in the world. But I wanted to look. I wanted. I was not built or bred to feel such selfish things as want. I’d seen what happened to those of my kind who strayed, who learned to place their needs first. Who developed… feeling. But I went through the tear in the sky. And here I am.” (acowar)

It is not a full connection but Amren talks about "wanting" as something foreign to her kind. They were not supposed to feel those. And you have Elain...as mama archeron had said

"Elain is pleasant to look at but she has no ambition. She does not dream beyond her garden and pretty clothes. She will be an asset on the marriage market for us one day, if that beauty holds, but it will be our own maneuverings, Nesta, not hers, that win us an advantageous match" always a pawn in other people's hand. (acosf)

Or What Rhys had said

Rhys asked, “Have you ever seen Elain act like that before?” “No.” I chewed on my bottom lip. Rhys’s gaze tracked the movement. I mean, she’s been brave when she had to be, but she’s never been confrontational.” “Maybe she was never given the chance to be that way.” I whipped my head toward him. “You think I stifle her?” Rhys held up his hands. “Not you alone.” He surveyed the study as he thought. “But I wonder if everyone has spent so long assuming Elain is sweet and innocent that she felt she had to be that way or else she ’ d disappoint you all.” He sighed toward the ceiling. “ With time and safety, perhaps we ’ll see a different side of her emerge.” “That sounds dangerously close to what Nesta said about Elain finally becoming interesting.” “Sometimes, Nesta isn’t wrong. ” I glowered at Rhys. “You think Elain's boring?” “I think she’s kind, and I’ll take kindness over nastiness any day. But I also think we haven’t yet seen all she has to offer.” A corner of his mouth tugged upward. “Don’t forget that gardening often results in something pretty, but it involves getting one’s hands dirty along the way.” (acosf feysand bonus chapter)

and the way Elain's arc is choice...

okay back to amren scene.

“And you gave all that up to get out of the Prison?” Mor asked softly. “I yielded my grace—my perfect immortality. I knew that once I did … I would feel pain. And regret. I would want, and I would burn with it. I would … fall. But I was—the time locked away down there … I didn’t care. I had not felt the wind on my face, had not smelled the rain … I did not even remember what they felt like. I did not remember sunlight.” It was to Azriel that her attention drifted—the shadowsinger’s darkness pulling away to reveal eyes full of understanding. Locked away. (acowar)

The fact that Amren connects to Azriel with it. The way both were locked away...(Janet is sick for this.)

Now...how Amren and prison ties to Elain. We all know Elain has so many prison quotes and every sister conquer a mountain.

Feyre with UTM

Nesta with Ramiel

Elain and Prison...

so while Amren was talking her "new body" in acofas and how difficult it was to go to toilet(lol) Elain cuts in with her question.

Mor opened her mouth, laughter dancing on her face, but Elain asked, “Could you have done it? Decided to take a male form?” The question cut through the laughter, an arrow fired between us. Amren studied my sister, Elain’s cheeks red from our unfiltered talk at the table. “Yes,” she said simply. “Before, in my other form, I was neither. I simply was.” “Then why did you pick this body?” Elain asked, the faelight of the chandelier catching in the ripples of her golden-brown braid. “I was more drawn to the female form,” Amren answered simply. “I thought it was more symmetrical. It pleased me.” Mor frowned down at her own form, ogling her considerable assets. “True.” Cassian snickered. Elain asked, “And once you were in this body, you couldn’t change?” Amren’s eyes narrowed slightly. I straightened, glancing between them. Unusual, yes, for Elain to be so vocal, but she’d been improving. Most days, she was lucid—perhaps quiet and prone to melancholy, but aware. Elain, to my surprise, held Amren’s gaze. Amren said after a moment, “Are you asking out of curiosity for my past, or your own future?” The question left me too stunned to even reprimand Amren. The others, too. Elain’s brow furrowed before I could leap in. “What do you mean?” “There’s no going back to being human, girl,” Amren said, perhaps a tad gently. “Amren,” I warned. Elain’s face reddened further, her back straightening. But she didn’t bolt. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I’d never heard Elain’s voice so cold. (acofas)

Elain asks too many detailed questions. And we see that Amren takes this her wanting to go back to being human...but Elain is confused. As if it couldn't be more further from her mind. She is asking specific questions. And this takes us back to the theory...why was she asking?

From Amren's explanations about how she escaped the prison she says "I had to give me up. To walk out, I had to become something else entirely, something the Prison would not recognize." so what if...Elain will get trapped in prison and she has to give something up too? this is why she was asking? what if she saw something in a vision and was trying to see if she would had to give something up and was trying to see if she would come back from it?

Another thing is...Elain is always described as a trembling fawn. She is even in the prophecy from acomaf.

Life and death and rebirth Sun and moon and dark Rot and bloom and bones Hello, sweet thing. Hello, lady of night, princess of decay. Hello, fanged beast and trembling fawn. Love me, touch me, sing me. (acomaf)

there is so many theories about this prophecy but I take it as BoB was talking about Elain in that pink highlighted part...so what if fanged beast is what elain would become? Amren said in acowar "I had to give me up. To walk out, I had to become something else entirely, something the Prison would not recognize.". So what if Elain has to become Fanged beast to escape prison? And Elain asked Amren in acofas "Elain asked, “And once you were in this body, you couldn’t change?” what if this what she was asking... that she would turn into fanged beast.?

another thing is that... there is a parallel scene with Elain asking question to Amren with Nesta. It is just so similar. look at the same highlighted parts.

This is the Elain scene:

and this is the nesta scene:

Nesta only said, “Why do your eyes glow?” Little curiosity—just a blunt need for explanation. And no fear. None. Amren angled her head. “You know, none of these busybodies have ever asked me that.” Those busybodies were trying not to look too concerned. As was I. Nesta only waited. Amren sighed, her dark bob swaying. “They glow because it was the one part of me the containment spell could not quite get right. The one glimpse into what lurks beneath.” “And what is beneath?” None of the others spoke. Or even moved. Lucien, still by the window, had turned the color of fresh paper. Amren traced a finger along the rim of her goblet, her red-tinted nail gleaming as bright as the blood inside. “They never dared ask me that, either.” “Why.” “Because it is not polite to ask—and they are afraid.” Amren held Nesta’s stare, and my sister did not balk. Did not flinch. “We are the same, you and I,” Amren said. I wasn’t sure I was breathing. Through the bond, I wasn’t sure Rhys was, either. “Not in flesh, not in the thing that prowls beneath our skin and bones …” Amren’s remarkable eyes narrowed. “But … I see the kernel, girl.” Amren nodded, more to herself than anyone. “You did not fit—the mold that they shoved you into. The path you were born upon and forced to walk. You tried, and yet you did not, could not, fit. And then the path changed.” A little nod. “I know—what it is to be that way. I remember it, long ago as it was.” Nesta had mastered the Fae’s preternatural stillness far more quickly than I had. And she sat there for a few heartbeats, simply staring at the strange, delicate female across from her, weighing the words, the power that radiated from Amren … And then Nesta merely said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Amren’s red lips parted in a wide, serpentine smile. “When you erupt, girl, make sure it is felt across worlds.” (acowar)

both asking amren a question

Amren talks about them and compares to what she thinks is true

at the end "I don't know what you're talking about"

Like Amren predicted Nesta erupted at the end of acosf and it was felt across worlds but the difference is Amren thinks that Elain wants to be human again. She is wrong...Rhys' words come in this time too. " “Maybe she was never given the chance to be that way.” I whipped my head toward him. “You think I stifle her?” Rhys held up his hands. “Not you alone.” He surveyed the study as he thought. “But I wonder if everyone has spent so long assuming Elain is sweet and innocent that she felt she had to be that way or else she ’ d disappoint you all.” "

Everyone keeps assuming about Elain but...nobody knows the real her.

So...Elain is getting trapped in prison. HOW FUN!!!!!!

thanks for reading.

#elain archeron #I'm scared for my flower girl #this post was on my mind since november so here you go.#prison theory #amren #is it considered crack theory if it is connected to quotes? who knows....#anywaysss.#elriel

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lilas · 10 months ago

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mostly spoiler free thoughts on aville going into DT

Avi’li and Erenville get close after ENW

Avi’li is in recovery in Sharlayan for at least a month; he’s not himself, he has a hard time doing basic things without him getting tired, he’s also bored and restless and irritated with everyone around him, and he’s unpacking a lot of trauma that’s culminated over the course of the story

He escapes often to Labyrinthos just to get away from people, and he starts working regularly with Erenville as a result, at first because it’s something to do that isn’t staring into the void and feeling eternity collapse around him, but it becomes a chance for Avi’li to reconnect to nature again, to the earth and life that he fought so hard to preserve

This is the focus of Adventures in Labyrinthos, a little collection of oneshots I’ve been writing on and off; just two strangers getting to know each other, learning about each other, and bonding over their shared interests

They just click and there’s some attraction and crushing there that neither of them is keen to act on

Erenville fully believes this is a short lived thing; they both travel to far flung corners of the world for various reasons, they may never cross paths again; so he’s satisfied leaving things unspoken, enjoys the bubbly feeling for what it is now, and is fine letting it go

Avi’li isn’t interested in maintaining any romantic relationship during this time; he’s focusing on himself, he doesn’t feel quite human sometimes, he doesn’t feel capable of meeting the emotional needs of other people, much less a romantic partner where there’s a higher expectation for reciprocity

He is also in love with Yugiri, and is grappling with where he wants to take their relationship and what feels right for both of them

There is also an element of denying yourself joy as a form of punishment. Avi’li isn’t aware he’s doing this. What is he punishing himself for? I think for him, he feels guilty he’s not… happier? He’s a hero, he saved the world, he acted selflessly….but he can’t return the same joy he sees when he’s thanked or applauded or praised.

Anyway

They reunite again before DT, obviously

Avi’li is better, he’s in a much healthier place after his experiences in the ENW patches

Erenville is considering things now. He and Avi’li will be traveling together for some time, maybe it’s worth it to see where things go?

Avi’li at this point has also concluded his romance with Yugiri; he feels better for it, he misses her, he’ll always be a little in love with her, but it feels better this way

However

His love for Yugiri, him telling her that he doesn’t feel he can be in a relationship right now because of his emotional/mental state—that’s echoing in his mind every time he looks at Erenville

He’s steadfastly ignoring any feelings, but it’s hard because he likes Erenville; theirs is a friendship and a connection Avi’li desperately wants and needs in his life; I don’t think he’s ever been so in tune with someone like this before?

They kiss on the boat to Tural (the boat is free headcanon territory; still in that in between of everything I know to have happened so far, and everything to come)

It happens one evening beneath the stars, talking about nothing, and it’s spur of the moment and amazing until Avi’li ends it

Erenville confesses he likes Avi’li, wants to see where a romantic relationship could go if Avi’li would let them

But Avi’li is afraid and guilty; what if his mental health relapses? What if he hurts Erenville? What about Yugiri? If he can be with Erenville, shouldn’t he go back to Yugiri and try again with her? Doesn’t she deserve that?

So Avi’li rejects him, stating those very reasons, and Erenville is…… understanding but frustrated. What is more frustrating than being rejected not because they didn’t like you back but because of fear and guilt? Because of reluctance to try?

Anyway, this is how we’re starting DT. 😌👍 Where do they go from here? That is to be discovered during MSQ. 🫡

Their dynamics can shift, certain things can happen, anything can impact their relationship so We Will See where they end up by the end of it all. I’ll enjoy the journey no matter the outcome. 💕

#uhhhh that got longer than I thought it would I’n sorry 😭#it’s a bulleted list if that helps :’)#oc: avi’li #as always thank you for coming to my MEGtalk #avi’li lore

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hazelfoureyes · 8 months ago

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To add onto the ace conversation, I wanna add my journey!

TW it gets kinda heavy at the end-

My journey was literally SO messy omg and this is gonna sound so silly but

My mom and I used to watch this show called rupauls drag race when I was little. I used to think the men were pretty and all when they were out of drag but WHEN THEY WERE IN DRAG??? omg I was in love, I thought they were so pretty 😭. NOW YOU CAN SEE WHY THIS IS CONFUSING. Technically, they are men, but they look like women, and you only like them when they look like women. I was scared and confused with this newfound information so I repressed it 💀

During my teen years, ig I was just like everyone else, a lil sex obsessed freak (idk how to put it but YKNO HOW PEOPLE ACTED IN HIGH SCHOOL 😭 ). Watch porn, reading smut, the whole shebang. I eventually found out I like both girls and boys (with a preference for girls). BUT one day I sat down and realized I haven’t had a real crush with a real life person since like elementary school 🧍‍♀️

Everyone was losing their virginity’s and talking about how great sex was and blah blah blah. It’s embarrassing but I thought sex was gonna be AWESOME and I COULD NOT WAIT to just GET RID of mine 💀. Like if I lost my virginity it would put everything in place.

Jump forward to when I’m 19-20 and I get my first “real” boyfriend. I was kinda out? I was telling my friends what I was bisexual. I told my boyfriend when we were in the “talking stage” and he was really supportive, or so I thought, long story short he was just like, THE WORST PERSON EVER. He was sexually/emotionally abusive, 0/10 person.

⚠️TW: S*XUAL ASSAULT, DR*GS, R*PE⚠️

⚠️ I wanna say that I’m only laughing about this because it’s my coping mechanism ig but I just wanna say that there was multiple instances that he used to take advantage of me while I was under the influence and then gaslight me into thinking it was ok the day after.

If they’re is ANYONE reading this that is in a situation like I was in, please for the love of god leave them. NO it’s NOT normal. They don’t love you. The abuse will only get worse the longer you stay. ⚠️

And on top of all that HE OUTED ME 🧍‍♀️ so that was fun. Anyways back to the sex, it was bad. I thought men not knowing where the clit is was a meme but it’s true 😭 mans would rub my left lip for 5 minutes and act if I came. Losing my virginity DID NOT “put everything in place”. Well i guess maybe it did in a sense. I never wanted to do it again.

But on the other hand, I’ve read that sex is a beautiful thing. Deep down, some parts of me yearn to have that special connection with someone. I want to feel what real love is. What it’s really like to make love. And not just have someone tell me they love me while they selfishly use me. Words are just words but I know there has to be more to it.

Anyways that’s where my journey is right now, I’ve been doing some real soul searching these past few months. Tumblr has really helped me in trying to figure this whole thing out. Am I ace? Idk. But it’s what I closely resonate with for the time being.

God labels are confusing as hell 😭 why can’t I just be me

I’m me-sexual 🥳

I was a little worried at first sharing this as it is heavy! But, the fact is, sometimes we are waiting for someone to bring up a heavy topic so we can share/vent our own story. Certain heavy topics just...don't come up often or organically. So I hope if someone needs it they can use this as a reason to start a conversation they've been waiting for a chance to have!

What happened to you was beyond unacceptable treatment and I am so so sorry you had to suffer through that literal abuse. I suffered through quite a bit myself and it really skewed and damaged my relationship to sex for a long time in ways I couldn’t perceive so I absolutely hear you! It sounds like you’re doing the heavy lifting of trying to heal and be a fully formed you and I’m so proud of you! The hardest part is acknowledging that hey, maybe there’s some shit still left to figure out about myself.

As you continue in life you may find your awful experiences had some effect on how you view and enjoy (or not enjoy) sex.

I am a huge advocate for sexual health, in knowing yourself intimately for your own pleasure but also for safety and comfort!

I really hope you’ve taken time to learn about yourself and what things you like and don’t like when it comes to physical pleasure. If that’s something you have an interest in!

Personally I’ve thought I hated things and later realized nooo I just experienced it first with someone terrible at it. 😅 but when I did it I found it kicked ass. (**cough** anal **cough cough*)

There is more to sex, I hear! I’ve never made love and the idea is so unattractive to me, but! Darling, sex does exist thats full of love and connection and meaning that serves so many more purposes than getting off. So I’m adamantly told! If it’s something you want I hope you find someone or someones who can provide it. 🥺

It’s so funny you mention horny teenagers because in middle school and into high school everyone was pairing up. And I thought, “Relationships are what you do when you want sex. And I don’t need sex. I’m still young. So… why would I get a boyfriend? My friends fulfill my needs otherwise.” (Still….so closeted 😂)

Because I was aromantic and the term just like—- didn’t exist in my world so I didn’t know, I didn’t realize people were dating for non-sex reasons 💀 but then I got a boyfriend and had sex in high school and was like “OH SHIT THIS IS THE BEST?? AM I A NYMPHO NOW. MY HAND COULD NEVER?”

The beautiful thing about still being here is that you have the freedom and the time to decide or not decide anything! Research, talk to people and read in forums of people learning to find their place. Question everything— are there parts of people you find sexually attractive? If yes, okay let’s start there! I realized I was pansexual first because of my attraction to androgyny. “I’m not a lesbian—- dick good. But also… pussy good??? Tits good??? That person could have any of those things and.. I don’t care? I still want them carnally?!”

If no sexual attraction to people at all (pretty standard definition Ace in that case!), then okie dokie, totally can still want to enjoy sex! It’s more than about sexual attraction as we are cerebral creatures. That’s still valid! If you did want to be physically intimate are there things you’d be okay with doing and not doing? Or things you’d want to do that maybe you couldn’t with certain people? Is your idea of what sex is being really narrowed down being of the culture you’re in? Just some questions for yourself. So many things to consider if you haven’t already! Not for finding a label but making sure you can express what you want and need when you’re in a situation to receive it. 💝

I didn’t know anything about Asexuality until hazbin and that made me look at my partner and be like “yoooooo I know you’re an older Japanese man but I have a new English word for you to learn.”

Before I knew pansexuality existed I told people who asked my sexuality, “I’ve never been disappointed when someone got naked.” Because I didn’t identify with the “women and men” definition of bisexuality, the gender didn’t matter and the sexual organs were all just bonuses for me. But I didn’t know a word existed for how I felt.

And hey, it got the point across! I lacked a community to feel welcomed in but I was still able to love and be loved how I wanted to be and that’s the most important part of this. As long as you can still articulate what you want and need in this stage of your life then baby cakes you’re doing perfectly fine in your journey! Which it sounds like you already know very well 💖🥹

#aromanticism #ace spec #aro spec #lgbtqia+#Asexuality #sexuality #sex talk #hazbin hotel community #hazbin hotel fandom

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