#i feel like this joke would be a lot funnier if i was a system or something

[a-bucket-in-the-void]

guys my brain is just not fucking focusing again

im like seventy five percent of the way through homework and that last bit sounds like torture

[artytaeh]

OH I READ YOUR POST WRONG, I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ABOUT HANDMADE GIFTS

ahem, correcting myself

mattheo would love funny gifts, the ones that mean a inside joke from both of you or that are simply silly and funny to both of you

regulus would love receive new books that he never even knew about, and I fear he would ask you to read out to him (and forcing you to have voices to each character!)

blaise would love getting clothes, especially If they are a silly little sweater that you crocheted, or those 'i love my girlfriend' t-shirts, If you printed your face all over on a shirt he would wear it proudly 🫡

flowers would be cute but mattheo riddle, to me, has such a hard time giving gifts to other people he cares about.

flowers are cool and sweet— but what if you're allergic to these specific flowers and you don't know about it? what if you dislike these the most?

alright, then maybe clothes— no, he might get you something that you'll hate, and wear it out of pity. then, maybe a plushie? or some sort of jewelry? mattheo panics that you'll secretly hate them too. he's terribly insecure about it.

( theodore and lorenzo came to hogsmeade with him in the morning once, to offer some emotional support. they only left hogsmeade late at evening, because theodore was ten seconds away from punching mattheo— almost dinner time, and mattheo fucking riddle is still picking a bloody gift. even lorenzo had given up on helping him. 😭✋ )

so really, i think that mattheo would find safety on getting gifts that only the two of you understand. besides, your laughter is his favorite sound; so it's a win-win situation! he feels less insecure about gifting you something that makes you laugh.

and mattheo absolutely loves to receive these gifts too, like you said! he'd have a whole shelf dedicated to it, i promise you.

⭑ ⋯ ⋯ ﹒ 🪻 ’

you cannot tell me that regulus wouldn't have a full bookshelf organized by color or alphabetical order. screw that, regulus would have his own complex way to neatly organize his books, a system that he had told you about, and quite frankly— after ten minutes of passionate explanation, as if organizing them that way was logical, you...

... you failed to understand it at all. but smile and nod, guys. smile and nod.

i feel like the habit you mentioned — having regulus requesting you to read out loud for him — would start as a way to compromise. as in, this situation was the way you found to solve an argument.

reading is something that regulus enjoys a lot; if you argued that he rarely spent time with you, regulus would try to mix both pleasures together— his reading time, and the quality time he spends with you, his beloved.

besides, he loves your voice. would give you a book, and lay his head on your chest (be it laying on top of you on his stomach, or resting his back on your torso, body between your legs, half-reading the paragraphs as well).

would be such a brat about it too. doesn't have any shame to show his exigency regarding his reading experience.

regulus: not like that. that voice doesn't suit her character, it's supposed to sound elegant.

reader: but i—

regulus: and she has an accent too. it was mentioned two chapters ago, so you have to make an accent too.

⭑ ⋯ ⋯ ﹒ 🪻 ’

once again you're so right about blaise. i feel like that man would leave his bed, sweatpants and a tshirt that proudly states: I ︎♥︎ MY GIRLFRIEND, with a heart shaped photo of the two of you.

the stares he receives from his friends. it's even funnier because blaise looks completely unbothered— if he notices the look on their faces, he'll smile smugly at them: 'what, jealous?', and will call them loveless & bitchless if one. single. mean. comment. leaves their mouths.

would have a mug with your face printed there. even better if blaise finds a way to add multiple photos to the same mug. the proudest boyfriend ever, wants everyone to know that you date him, and that he's obsessed with his mamas.

now, crocheted blankets or sweaters are his treasures. should the slytherin common room be endangered, blaise takes your crocheted stuff before he leaves. would lose it if you had sprayed your perfume on a blanket you crocheted— my man won't ever wash it.

on your last ask you mentioned that blaise is really into music! so imagine having you crocheting those two green leaves (help idk how to explain it. 💔) that people put on their headphones. blaise would beam with that.

[funnier-as-a-system]

it's pretty insensitive for that "good school + childhood" be added to "funnier" as a system.

we didn't get that. nearly no system got that. y'know, from the trauma.

Apologies for being blunt, but this is a case where your experiences are not universal, anon. People experience trauma due to reasons outside of school or an abusive or neglectful family (such as, if we're looking strictly at the post in question for inspiration, mental disorders or disabilities). I have known many people who have talked about the trauma their disorders gave them, such as people with OCD talking about their intrusive thoughts and people with schizophrenia talking about their delusions. I do not consider it "insensitive" for someone to have trauma for reasons outside of family or school. I do not consider it "insensitive" for someone to joke about their brain being weird or "so fucked up" despite having a good childhood. I especially do not consider it "insensitive" for a system who's gone through such trauma or has such disorders to want to joke about it, or to find a post like this funny because they can relate to it.

Furthermore, if we put aside trauma for a moment (as I don't believe the post was about that), not all systems come from or have [childhood] trauma, and many of them were able to understand and relate to the joke in that way. I'm guessing from your ask that you think trauma is a requirement to be a system, but We do not hold the same values, and don't consider it insensitive for a system who has not gone through that trauma to find something funny just because we cannot personally relate to it. Again, anon, your experiences are not universal – and that's okay. But I think you should take a step back if you can admit that some systems had a good childhood but think it's "insensitive" for them to bring it up in system spaces. Other people having their own experiences does not invalidate your own; it's fine to feel bitter that you didn't get a good childhood, but it's not inherently insensitive for systems who did get one to exist in system spaces. I would recommend you try to compare yourself to others less and to work on your own time about your feelings surrounding your trauma with family, childhood, and school, as it seems like you may have some insecurity that comes from seeing other systems who are different than you, and you appear to be lashing out at them due to feeling like anyone who was lucky enough to not go through such things is personally attacking you just by joking about their lives.

Besides, at this point, this blog is so much more than just funnier as a system. More bitter as a system, hits harder as a system, ironic as a system, sillier as a system... we've covered a lot of sentiments over the years! You could always just think of this post as "I can't relate to that as a system... but I bet some others can."

[umeoniii]

aot women beige flags!

٩( 'ω' )و

mikasa, hange, annie, sasha, ymir, pieck

~

mikasa:

☆ gets super sick easily

and these sicknesses literally beat her ass

she just has a super weak immune system

can go out one time then when she comes back home she’s literally stuck in bed like it’s her dying days.

a common cold for her is like the plague

it seems as if she’s an old victorian child lying in her bed asking her mother for bread and water.

☆ somehow physic

not so much now, it’s not like she has powers

but she has a ‘6th sense’ and she can tell when something bad is going to happen

first time she did it you thought she was joking around

but then she was right because the building next to you caught fire (cooking error…)

you were totally scared of her after that bcs what if she was behind it

then you forgave her (she did nothing wrong?) and tried to convince her to give you a fortune

then she proceeded to tell you that’s not what the sixth sense is for

hange:

☆ really likes playing games

hanges a sore loser though.

this is super funny

super competitive with stuff like board games and video games. and she takes it seriously.

when she loses she takes it to heart.

she’ll throw a temper tantrum and get upset and everything.

she’ll do anything to win as well. cheats and switches the game all she wants, especially when she’s actually winning. but when you try to do it it’s all “no no that’s not how you play!”

you DO NOT want to play uno with hange. enough said

☆ makes impressions of people in public.

let’s say you’re in the car parked and you see a couple sitting on the bench talking.

she’ll give them names and make a voice and act what she thinks is their conversation.

it’s far funnier than it sounds.

if she sees a couple and their friend,

“eh barbra? i didn’t know you were gonna invite your annoying friend, you know how much i hate her!” she’d snicker while staring at the three people

and there’s actually times where you hate it bcs of how unserious she acts.

sometimes she would invite you along to voice someone else

and she would just sit and laugh like it’s the funniest thing ever!

annie:

☆ bargain queen

has coupons for everything in the whole wide world

she has all the apps for everyplace she goes so she’ll get some kind of deal.

her total at the grocery store would go from $135 to $80 bcs she’s a diehard user of coupons

she makes u use them as well and stuffs some in your wallet

she’s a karen for these things as well

if the price tag says it’s ‘$3.12’ then it’s ‘$3.12’ whether the seller says “well that’s last weeks price”

she’ll say “well maybe you should’ve changed it, how would the manager feel if i told them you’re not doing youre job?”

and she’d get it for $3.12

☆ greets an animal before she greets a person

if she seems someone she knows walking their dog she won’t even look at them let alone speak to them

she’ll crouch and pet the dog and start baby talking to them before she gets up and says something to the walker

she actually likes animals a lot

more than ppl

she’d have some kind of shirt displaying that as well

“im more of a dog person than a people person”

sasha:

☆ cant stay on track in a conversation

she could be talking to you about something she heard about someone. then she’ll be like, “speaking of her i remember when me and her went out for these awesome burgers.”

THEN she’ll say “wait because i was actually contemplating going vegan…. what do you think?”

the whole convo switches topics every 2 minutes or so.

you get so confused as to how the conversation went from work drama to when she thinks the world is going to end.

☆ takes the first bite of your food

it’s an unspoken rule.

she doesn’t even say “to test it for poison” she just does it because she wants

trying something new? she gets the first bite. you haven’t ate all day? she still gets the first bite. it’s your favorite food in the whole wide world? two words: first. bite.

and it’s not even a small bite, it’s the BIGGEST chomp she could take.

you’ve gotten so used to it that you don’t care. you just shove it in her face.

because if you were being honest if she just suddenly stopped you’d be concerned and sad.

ymir:

☆ cannot take some things seriously

she could be out w you at a restaurant and see this waiter’s name on their tag

“gaylord”

it’s not even pronounced “gay lord” but “gaylerd”

she’ll turn around and start hysterically laughing she doesn’t even care that the waiters right there

you can tell her a story from work or something that’s completely serious and she’ll still laugh no matter what

☆ lies out of her ass for no reason

you could tell her you tried some cool new exotic food and she’ll be like

“oh i had that when i was 5 and i almost died because i’m allergic to the spices in it”

and it’s kind of obvious it’s a lie but you don’t even say anything bcs she rides hard to defend herself and say it’s the truth

she’ll even go as far as editing photos and calling other people so it would be more believable

she sometimes doesn’t even lie to be funny but just out of habit

these aren’t bad kind of lies and she tells the truth when needed but she still b lyin..

pieck:

☆ cannot save money for her life

she can put aside some money for important stuff and it would be gone in a flash

worst part is the money is wasted on totally useless stuff

like finger puppets

what are you gonna do with finger puppets when you’re stranded for miles?

tries harder to not let it happen

then it happens again and she tries to justify it by saying that maybe a corn butterer was a great investment

(it wasn’t)

☆ can sleep anywhere at anytime

we all know this don’t we…

but it’s horrible

restaurants, floor, toilet

she could probably go to sleep in the club if she’s tired enough

she doesn’t look dead when she sleeps (unlike connie)

she looks very calm whether she’s in a deep sleep or taking a power nap

and she probably gets a decent amount of sleep at night, she just naps bcs… she wants to?

♡

a/n: at least 3 of these stories are actually real things i’ve faced with friends and family LOL so this is so funny to me. some of these aren’t even beige flags and are lowkey hcs, let’s just pretend alr!

[crguang]

I feel like there’s a lot of sacrificing for a joke in hsr, which is definitely annoying especially when it just…doesn’t make sense, tonally and just logically. And I really do wish we found out more abt the TB, and I would’ve like even like a tidbit from firefly since we talk to her sm, we even play as her at the end. Or maybe get an offhand mention abt how she’s not supposed to tell us bc of the script or smth . I def agree w you, I cannot take the ipc seriously, bc there’s all this stuff abt how they’re doing stuff for their own benefit and profit but idk the stuff w the stellaron hunters and them is just so goofy, like it doesn’t make any sense.

ok so, I was looking thru ur blog and I realized I sent a message abt two-ish weeks ago, tumblr probably ate it smh. I was just saying how it was silly that Kafka’s wanted poster literally says she likes coats on it, and her bounty, like that’s it. Shes so sjsjshbsbddbbewv. And I also came up with another fic idea, like Kafka in an idol/band AU, but also I think her being an actor w the other stellaron hunters would be funny. But yk if I ever get around to writing anything instead of Kafka just living in my brain, who would she be in a band with, I was think abt using some of the characters from the animated before the show starts thing, but the instruments just don’t go together. Also I think I need to work on writing Kafka in general, bc she’s so complicated and it’s fun but I also overthink things too much.

And the leaks were unfortunately right abt 4 characters on one side. I’m not as devastated as you ofc, but hopefully I win my 50/50. Hjskalskskskndn I will cry if I loose.

also, no need to apologize for ranting, your rants always make more sense than mine, and I really enjoy your thoughts. -🌠

i agree with you 100%!!! missed opportunity with firefly and the tb reconnecting it could have been so nice. and omg i think i read that ask, it sounds familiar but i have so many (most are really old reqs, the recent ones are the event reqs i keep to answer eventually) and sometimes things get lost or i’ll click on the notification, answer in my head, then go do something else and forget to actually post my reply, im sorry😭😭 but YES i was thinking of kafka’s description in the game and while i know its the objective writing of the game and not the ipc, i find it funny to believe that whoever was in charge of her wanted notice thought she was hot as fuck because “dashing” and “beauty” in the same sentence is crazy work. her bounty is even funnier bc im wondering how they found out that she loved coats like😭 did she steal a bunch (she did), are they rlly monitoring her credit card and seeing all the purchases of expensive coats, is she always found in a store— what is it?!

actor au stellaron hunters would be really fun… you could also just put then in a band together for the idol/band au because i do think they’re the people who understand her best. the thought of kafka and jingliu practicing together is so funny because jingliu would hate that woman like GDJFBFNG her arrogance would have liu clenching that instrument so tight

i dont think you should worry about overthinking when it comes to writing, it can be a weakness because then you focus too much on details and forget the big picture, but personally i also think j too much into things when i write characters like kafka especially. when every genuine emotion is in the twitch of a finger, there’s kinda no choice lol

“im not as devastated as you” is killing me but its true… im the biggest victim of this banner system bc if i dont get my swanie i’ll @)&$(&)@)£<£#%. i hope u win the 50/50, unless i lose mine in which case i hope everyone else also loses <3

[ch3ri-ch3ri-lady]

Vampire chronicles ask for u (if you’re still interested ofc!) what do you think about Claudia as a character?

Ofcccc! Tysm for asking and I have a LOT of thoughts on Claudia (how can you not??). Brace yourself for a whole dissertation.

First and foremost, I’m the BIGGEST Claudia defender. I genuinely think she was completely justified in killing Lestat and being a dick to Louis about it. She genuinely has one of the most tragic stories in all of tvc and despite only being a main character for one book, she really stuck with me. Being eternally trapped in the body of a child, never being able to live on your own, take on a lover, basically have any autonomy or respect in society-all because of your drama queen fathers’ shitty baby trapping and toxic married couple bullshit? I would be a VILLAIN.

I hate when people say they dislike Claudia because she “abused” Louis or was “just as bad as Lestat”. Firstly, she was LITERALLY the child lmao. I think we as readers have a very biased portrayal of Claudia and her actions because it’s told from the eyes of Louis and Lestat. If it was from Claudia’s POV, I think absolutely no one would be complaining about her revenge quest against her shitty dads. I know it’s a topical debate on if Louis was a bad father or not, and while I think he definitely tried and was maybe more of the stereotypical nuclear-family-reads-bedtime-stories-to-his-daughter “good dad” in the early years, his hypocritical self loathing and perpetual martyrdom definitely inhibited his ability to provide Claudia with the support system she needed. Weeping dramatically about how bad of a father you’ve been doesn’t make you a better father lmao. To be honest, when it came to Claudia’s personality, I wasn’t a huge fan. I didn’t find her as entertaining to read about as say Lestat or Armand, and she was never emotionally or vibe wise one of my favourite characters. However, I think she is one of the most interestingly written characters and I will always ride or die defend her regardless.

As for AMC’s Claudia, I ADORED Bailey Bass’s portrayal of her and can’t wait to see Delainey Hayles in s2! While I think the aged up Claudia was definitely well executed and interesting (and I get why they did it), I still think it’s a bit of a shame that’s she’s not explicitly a “child” anymore. AMC Claudia can effectively live on her own and with some makeup pass for 18. Even this slight more access to adulthood places show Claudia leagues ahead of book Claudia. One thing I wasn’t a fan of was her sexual assault-I’m glad that they did the bare minimum of not showing it onscreen, but it felt very unnecessary to me. Like they could’ve just made Bruce attack her or something. Also Lestat (sexual assault victim) using Claudia’s against her as a fear tactic?? I get Lestat was very villainized in s1 from a mix of Louis and Claudia’s unreliable narration and Armand’s mind control mumbo jumbo, but I found that rather distasteful. Speaking of Claudia and Lestat, she’s literally his mini me! I really hope AMC shows more of this, and more moments of Lestat doting on Claudia. He was always the father who spoiled her with excessively bloody killing sprees or luxury brand clothes, I feel like we hardly saw that in the show. Like Claudia is his BABY! The parallels between Lestat/the Marquis and Claudia/Lestat…absolutely soul-crushingly diabolical I love it.

I’m curious as to how they’re going to change/approach Claudia and Madeleine’s relationship in the show. One of my favourite changes the show made was getting rid of the Claudia/Louis incest stuff because…DEFINITELY one of my least favourite things about the iwtv book and made me extremely uncomfortable. People always joke about Gabrielle/Lestat but Claudia/Louis is like a fandom taboo lmao (rightfully so). Probably because joking about Lestat’s mommy issues oedipus complex is funnier and more acceptable then acknowledging the fact that book Louis was like a straight pedophile about his 5 year old daughter. Wtf Anne.

This was SO much I’m so sorry lmao

[donnerpartyofone]

Wow, I just saw where you put the comma in your user name. It's even funnier now.

I never thought of it as Donner, Party of One as a table reservation. Announced in an officious tone.

I pictured it as donnerparty OF ONE. Meaning there is only one person in the Donner Party. As in, you are all alone in the cold woods eating yourself. LOL.

Hahaha obviously this is the username that keeps on giving! It's interesting how people react to it. I don't remember how long ago I came up with it but I'm sure I was feeling VERY clever, it would be many years before I learned that Robin Williams made the same joke in some standup routine, and he probably wasn't the first person to think of it either. I once applied for a job where the person who interviewed me vigorously insisted that I got it from the movie SCREAM, and I'm sure that joke is nowhere to be found in any installment of SCREAM but she was so passionate about her assumption for some reason, I didn't fight her on it too hard; in retrospect I chose the irrational belief that that was an omen that that was going to be a really hard, shitty, low-paying job.

My conscious interest in cannibalism emerged during my first semester at college, where it became clear that I had been interested in cannibalism all along but had never really connected the dots. It seemed to be the most frightening and compelling thing I could think of. When I was a kid I had a copy of Silence of the Lambs that I carried around like it was the Bible, reading it over and over. I had intensely vivid nightmares about THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE for years before I would ever see the movie, my brain just seemed to know it would become a big part of my life. RAVENOUS came out right before I went to college and when I got there I made a cult out of it; I was watching it at-least-daily in the dorm lounge, which at first people hated, then some people started to join me, then after we came back from Thanksgiving I learned that a lot of people went home and showed it to their families! And then it seemed to happen that whenever I picked the movie, it would involve cannibalism unpredictably--none of us were Shakespeare-literate enough to know it would be in TITUS, and when it randomly came up in DEAD MAN everyone turned around and looked at me like I must have known, like I tricked them. There were other examples that aren't coming to me. At some point it just sort of became my identity. I used to have a couple of fork & knife clothing patches that I painted and wore on various things.

I just think it's interesting, like it has lots of allegorical possibilities. I'm mainly attracted to it as a description of extreme anti-sociality. Like in TEXAS CHAIN SAW, you have a nuclear family in the American heartland, but instead of a heterogeneous unit that makes more people, you have a clan that is somehow only males and they consume people. (I mean there's a mother theoretically but she's literally a mummy, which I think is pointed) I'm interested in that kind of unhealthy system inversion. But people react to it all kinds of different ways, it's curious. I recently contacted this woman who wrote a horror-related paper I loved and she replied that she'd be happy to talk to me about anything "except cannibalism :)". I said this elsewhere but when I arrived at this book launch I had to host last week, the author told me "You know you're doing something right if people are offended!" and explained that when the event was publicized with my bio attached, which listed some of my academic interests, some guy emailed him "THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT CANNIBALISM!" and cc'd a bunch of different people like it was an emergency; I mean considering what else was in my bio, I guess he thinks I find murder and sexual exploitation "funny" too, but none of that stuff bothered him. After the event someone waited patiently to tell me about his favorite metal band that only plays songs about serial killers, including some prominent cannibals, and I had to promise I would listen to it. Whatever you think about it, it's a very provocative topic, and I guess it's good that people are still sensitive enough to have a strong reaction!

[keepbirdieweird]

i said i'd do band codes and so band codes there shall be

current list of settled forms of states in the exesverse can be found here!

regular bird bands have longer codes and information on how to report them, etc. that's not as fun as 4-5 digit system, though!

rather long post below cut.

okay, so first up b/c i mentioned them in the tags of the previous post:

the texas squad in the exesverse has a settled great-tailed-grackle form and would probably be given the band code ST1 or 1ST, for 'lone star'. as banded grackles are a bit unusual, this might get them a little attention. i think the idea of texas squad being harassed by fascinated wild grackles trying to steal the leg band is funny as hell. texas system also has a pit tag in snake-shape and a radio transmitter in bat form.

california has, as those familiar with the series may know, the single largest settled birdskin in the statehouse as a california condor. ordinarily, as they're critically endangered, reintroduced and wild california condors are given large over-wing tags to be able to identify them from a distance. california, however, only has a leg band, likely labeled GS79 or CA79, both referencing the atomic number of gold. california does not have a radio telemetry collar, but does have an ear tag in bear form. lizard form has a pit tag.

alaska was the trickiest of these three. as a snowy owl, he's got a chunkier bird band going on. Likely LF49 (for Last Frontier & 49th state) or LF50 (for Last Frontier and admission date of 1950.) obviously not going to use the state abbreviation for this one. snowy owl is not state bird but is very cool. and also extremely quiet. alaska does not have either a radio telemetry collar or an ear tag in bear form, but does have a transmitter in his shark form.

now on to alphabetical order for representations with birdskins! there are less jokes i can make re: numbers with everyone else, but i'll try my best. most likely going to be admission dates & order

alabama is settled as a northern flicker (yellow-shafted). given the colloquial name for this bird is yellowhammer (yes there's a bunting from europe with the same name... but... they don't HAMMER...). given the... other nicknames for alabama, that leaves the only real viable option as YH19, YH22, or AL19 or AL22.

colorado's first suggestion re: band code was rejected by virtue of being too similar to connecticut. CO00 was a) available and b) funnier, so he's very happy with it (state abbreviation + centennial state (100th anniversary), it rolls back over to 00). his bird form is a lark bunting (state bird, generally a delight)

dc (city) -> wood thrush! band code is DC90, as there isn't any admission date since they aren't a state (yet)

florida's band code is a bit unusual with three letters and one number: SUN1 (sunny!). this is very difficult to read given it's like. the size of a pinhead, as he's a ruby-throated hummingbird.

georgia has probably had a band code for a very long time. like most of the original 13, georgia's brown thrasher shape uses admission number, not admission date, with a pretty simple GA04.

gov's got a pretty simple tag too! GOV0. his bird form is a bald eagle but in the fish stealing little bastards (affectionate) way. don't ascribe him any dignity, he is not owed even the barest hint of it.

for safety reasons, hawaii rarely uses her bird form, as there are no wild ʻalalā left due to introduced diseases. for this reason, she is also unbanded.

i have a lot of unsettled/indet states on the list (feel free to suggest something, folks!) so that brings us to maryland. most likely OL400 (from the history of the nickname 'old line state'). Outlier with a five-number code! settled as a baltimore oriole. likely gets less but similar conspecific harassment over the band tag as texas+.

next on the settled list is minnesota as a common loon, with yet another unusual band code! minnesota's is K10, for 'land of 10,000 lakes'

a couple more undetermined and unsettled states go by, and now we're getting into the 'news', haha!

kind of wrote myself into a corner with new jersey and lesser black-backed gull, but new jersey has NJ03, the only reason why california can maintain a possible GS code.

new mexico is a greater roadrunner (no surprise there) with the band code of EC12 (enchantment-1912). his javelina form has a radio collar.

new york is still mad about not being able to shift a pigeon as they're domestic, so he went with the next best thing. he is a peregrine falcon with the band code NY11.

still have undetermined forms for the next few, so that brings us to:

oklahoma (scissor-tailed flycatcher), band code SO01, for sooner state.

oregon is an osprey with the band code BS33, which has been made fun of before and will likely be made fun of again.

pennsylvania is a ruffed grouse, band code KEY2, a break from usual patterns.

puerto rico gets puerto rican spindalis with a likely code of IE52 (isla de encanto + PR constitution ratification date of 1952)

lastly, bringing up the pack is south carolina with a carolina wren banded with PM08 (palmetto & 8th admisson)

[adultswim2021]

The Venture Bros. #33: “The Buddy System” | June 29, 2008 - 11:30PM | S03E05

The Buddy System! Sorta a normal episode! World-building is ever present in the Venture-verse, though, so we get at least a few firsts. (cool voice) Let’s dive in… shall we?

Dr. Venture launches a chintzy “Daycamp for Boy Adventurers”. Everyone on or near the compound has crappy informational booths, and Doc can sell photo ops and Rusty Venture merch. Lots of stuff happens, but despite that, there’s not a ton of story. It’s more of a collection of fun scenes and looming threats of story. For example: The Monarch is monitoring the festivities using the Moppets. His scenes exist mostly for laughs, and also to introduce Dr. Mrs. the Monarch’s new sexy costume. As noted in the commentary by Doc Hammer, it was nice seeing this costume at conventions. Seriously, when I used to go to conventions, there were so many hot Venture Bros. cosplayers. I sat next to a very beautiful Lady Au pair once, who had little baby dolls that she’d turned into the Moppets. I was too scared to talk to her. Shoulda asked for a photo.

I’m not sure if you can tell this, but I am having a hard time making this write-up come together. I guess what I'm trying to say is It’s a fine episode, and worth watching, but the middle stretch of season three is not my favorite of the series. I’m much more excited about season four. Damn. I wish this was season four right now. I am also high, and not really in the mood for this. I am in a big “organize stuff’ mood right now instead of a writing mood. I am pulling out some boxes of stuff and trying to find new places for them. Trying to make it so only best VHS tapes are out, and the bad ones are in storage. In other words, the shit that makes life worth living. 

This episode is also the debut of Dermott Fictel, a bad kid who befriends Hank. He uses sass mouth on Brock and it twists him up because he can’t touch Dermott; he’s just a kid. It’s also sorta implied that maybe he intuited some kind of familial bond with the boy. At the end of the episode, Dermott gets picked up by his mom and they briefly exchange dialogue that indicates that she brought the boy there to meet his real father (unbeknownst to said father). At the end we see a nice photo of them together after the ordeal they go through. The ordeal they go through is this: Brock tries to train Dean to fight Dermott but he doesn’t wanna. But then Dermott embarrasses Dean in front of Triana and also says nasty stuff to her, so Dean basically re-enacts the scene where Ralphie beats the shit out of Scott Farkus in A Christmas Story, which is a great movie, alright? 

There is a notable scene which functions as a cliff-hangery act-break: Dr. Venture takes kids into an old training facility that had been abandoned and through some mysterious, possibly super-sciencey reason, the inside of it has become a bio-diverse jungle filled with dangerous wild Gorillas. I mention this scene because I want to discuss how badly edited it is on the blu-ray; they did the thing where they tried to diminish the effects of it being an act break by making it so it doesn’t fade-out or in. This edit jumps out to me, it feels like a fan-edit or something. 

This scene has one of the funnier references and one of the darkest jokes of the series. The group of children lead by Dr. Venture and Billy Quizboy are immediately confronted with a terrifying and aggressive gorilla, and Rusty tries to do Ko-Ko talk to it. Ko-Ko was a famous, highly intelligent sign-language-doing Gorilla that had a children’s book published called Ko-Ko’s Kitten. I am of an age to have owned such a book, which was fairly ubiquitous when it was published. Before I saw this episode, I had read a transcript of an AIM chat Ko-Ko did via an interpreter, and Ko-Ko would intermittently use the words “lip” and “nipple” randomly throughout her Denis-Miller style rants. They do a riff on that here, but they soft-peddle the amount of times she typically said “nipple” in a sentence.

The dark joke is that Billy gets locked in the dome, and when he comes out his metal arm is torn asunder and he’s clutching a child’s shoe. He reports that he saw Ko-Ko Bone Tomahawk a child in there. Dr. Venture makes off with the shoe. At the end of the episode, the boy’s parents show up to collect him and Dr. Venture gives them a clone slug, apparently a quickie clone job he performed to make it up to them. When they walk away, slightly puzzled, Venture makes a point to say that the original kid’s DNA was a “walking time bomb for cancer” and that he “cleared that all up”.

It’s sorta enough to have him just be trying to protect his hide, but the cancer bit is a little bit of a softening of the character. In season one he straight up admits to having sacrificed an orphan to power his masturbation holodeck machine, But, I don’t blame the show for just pushing past that joke anyway. I’m sure if there was a letters section at the end of this show they’d address this letter by removing that joke from canon.

The cloned kid scene is a bit of a happy ending to the traditional bit of gallows humor surrounding camp. Like, remember how you’d sing self-deprecating camp songs and there’d always be comical exaggerations that involved the death of a fellow camper in the lyrics? Like the food’s so bad here that it murdered a kid who tried to eat it, haha! Those songs usually fail to thoughtfully address the parents of that child who would spend years mourning him (or her! mustn't be sexist!).

Also a thing I wanted to say about this scene; this episode's ending includes a montage of photos of the event, and there's a brief photo of the triad levitating a wheelchair kid. For a moment I thought it was actually the apparition of the dead boy, and that he died because of his lack of mobility, which is VERY funny, and VERY dark (except for the whole thing of ghosts being real, life after death, etc). I figured out that this is probably not the joke. It's probably just that if you could levitate people, you'd probably go out of your way to levitate wheelchair kids. They would love it so much.

What else? Oh, I didn’t do a sweep of the wiki for this episode, which is usually what i do to make sure that I can steal valor knowing a cultural reference that I didn’t actually get. There is what seems like a very specific Jonny Quest reference in this and the commentary basically confirms that. Oh yeah, there’s more Jonny Quest connectivity in this one. You better believe it.

That reminds me: I was supposed to do a thing where I was going to watch all the episodes of Jonny Quest before watching Venture Bros, but I never did. I thought maybe I’d at least weave a few episodes in here and there, as to not miss vital specific references to specific episodes. Sorry!

Another thing from the commentary that I thought was great was that the opening sequence, which is a commercial for the Daycamp, is a parody of an actual local ad for an actual local day camp. Where? I don’t know. But it’s a talking balloon instead of a talking lightbulb. I bet it’s this There are scrolling photos of children that are actual childhood photos of Jackson and Doc as boys, but they had to edit some of the kids out because they couldn’t find the person to ask for permission. 

Hey, I’m not sure people like when I do this, but I’m doing it anyway. I remember I was hanging out with my best friend Andrew when this episode came on, and I was planning to go home and watch it at 11:30PM, even claiming to have a hard out around 11 so I could make it home with plenty of time to spare. It is roughly 8:35PM, and Andrew turns on the TV and it’s playing. He has Direct TV and I didn’t realize that meant he got the east coast feed of Cartoon Network.

I see that the DVR is actually recording it, which means he could hit rewind and we could just watch it from the beginning. He goes “oh, cool. We can just watch it now!”  and he just keeps letting it play, all 5 minutes behind. I say “What’s fucking wrong with you, start it from the beginning!” and he groaned and rolled his eyes in a very exaggerated way, like he was being put out, and he literally pushed a single button and it started at the start. A very funny man!! That is my friend!

[euclydya]

CHARACTER BINGO FOR THOSE MARKERPLIER CHARACTERS MAYHAPZ

YOUUUUU DIDN'T SPECIFY SO WE DID A LOT HAHSSJDHDHSHDHFH

So before we start these r all very Much biased bc plurality . we tried 2 stick to how we feel abt the source characters but uh.... ANYWAYS,

all under the cut let's go

where DO i even start. ok. he's Lirerally just a dude (... Debatable. /joke) and that makes him So Funny . New Guy Just Dropped: literally just a haunted house's Angry Humansona. He's on a mission to Kill (justified) but he's gotta do a trillion side quests first and they're all Be Gay Do Crime. Before WKM and therefore His Lore™ dropped i think all we knew abt him was what happened in ADWM which is even funnier. 3 fuckign people get trapped in a meatsuit and they're like "what's the bEst way 2 get revenge" and apparently the first step is to go seduce people about it. Gay Rights 😃👍!

Our take abt Dark is that Mark did a Damn Good Job At Accidental Plural Representation! This Man Is A Fucking System!! Litcherqlly the trauma-endo system OF ALL time thnk u fr coming 2 my Ted Talk .

woulj not want 2 meet irl on account of would also probably fucking kill us <3

HE...... THEE BUBBLEGUM BASTARD OF ALL TIME.

ok after everything in WKM literally he deserves to kill too. Man fucking lost all his friends and got blamed for one of their deaths (which . Listen to me. Not his fucking fault but we'll get into that Later,) and watched as the DA fuckin g fell to their death and then GOT UP. AND WALKED AWAY*. Like. Listen to me.

If my fuckign life went from being pretty cool to absolute hell within the span of like 2 days i too would lose my mind and then change my identity completely and be convinced that everything is a joke. I too would be pink abt it btw pink is gender as hell.

(*by this point it wasn't Exactly the DA but Dark but whatever THE POINT STILL STANDS!)

Now we would absolutely not want to meet him if he were real IRL . Shit would go fucky and we'd be dead almost immediately. no thank u HFJDJSJDN

THIS FUCKING GUY!!!!!!!!!! OK,

So The Host has like zero canon whatsoever. And. That sucks. BuT! What very very few appearances he has are very cool and he looks cool and we think he's neat. Also he should get to kill too I think almost everyone should get to kill :3c

I would not want 2 meet him bc he can narrate shit into existence and that is terrifying. God blees. <3

THIS!!!!!!!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!

the man the myth the reason why dark exists the reason why wil is the way he is etc. etc. etC.!!!!!!!!

he scares me. JEHWJDJFDJJSJFDIDISI. he's a huge jackass canonically and literally planned his death like What on god. But anyways!!! From a character standpoint he's so cOOL!!!!! like hello!!! literally did all that shit bc his wife cheated on him with his bestie iirc which WHAT the fuck <3. ok <3. Divorce exists but gO off dude!

So this is where shit gets... Less abt The Canon Character and more very biased sys-wise. Cuz our Actor is the funniest fuckign guy ever I think and I don't think he realizes it. Dude fucking exploded something in the headspace once and just said "Clown for the dount" before leaving front for 1-2 months straight and that lives rent free in our head forever.

Like. We all think he's gr8 here lmao he's helped us a lot so far with day to day shit. But he's also way fucking different than source!Actor is so ?? dhajKxjfjsn.

Anyways we would not want 2 meet source!Actor bc he'd probably also try to kill us <3. tl;dr he's a WONDERFUL villain and a well written character tbh. I want to canonically see Dark rip him 2 shreds.

:D so this uhhh. So this is 10000% system bias. Uhhhhhhhh. Ummmm.

I can't explain this one except I'm gay and literally our Google fictive is my bf in-sys LMFAO -Marvin✨

wait actually i Can explain a bit hold on.

I/we think people forget tht he's like. Mainly a hater. Dude popped into existence and was almost Immediately bitter about everything. He Is A Sarcastic Jackass. He Is Not A Helpful Man. He literally wants one thing and that is to destroy mankindJFJSKSKFJFKDJ

With that being said if canon!Google existed irl anywhere near us we r running away. He Would Kill Us. JSHSJDJFMFFJJDJSJF

[starry-bi-sky]

Okay first off the first thing I realized like, 30 seconds after I made this comment was: Bruce and Danny had to realize themselves too that Danny wasn't aging. Which was a really bad night for the both of them, especially for Danny, who was basically inconsolable the whole night and got himself really sick in the morning as a result.

And Yes! The blood blossom extract just like, feeds off the ectoplasm Danny's body naturally produces. Which makes it impossible to just 'wait until it out of his system' because there is no 'system' for it to escape from! The blood blossom feeds on his ectoplasm, his ecto-levels get really low, the blossom extract then starts to "fade" away (for lack of better terms), which lets his ectoplasm regenerate, only for the poison to revive and latch onto it again.

It creates a vicious cycle of Danny getting really badly ill for a week or two, him recovering for a few months, and then when he's at a high, he crashes and burns again. It's really painful to watch and it's painful to experience. It gets a lot more manageable when Danny and Bruce create some "suppressor" bracelets for Danny to wear that helps manage his ecto-levels, so he crashes and burns significantly less often.

Which also means, yeah, absolutely he learns to be more like a bat in order to stay in the game. He can't -- well, more accurately he shouldn't -- use his ghost form or access his ghost powers. It causes the blood blossom in his system to just, surge, and the few times he has used his ghost powers, he's gotten terribly ill afterwards.

aaaa Danny just being an older brother to Dick. No notes other than Danny is both so jealous, so happy, and so sad when Dick turns fourteen. Then fifteen. Then sixteen. And suddenly Dick is the older brother now, and Danny is still fourteen.

Dick, even when he was nine, always having a sliver of doubt about his brother going out as vigilantes with them. But Danny is just as much of an unstoppable force as him and Bruce, and if he wants to help or go out, nothing except his own illness will stop him. He has a terrible habit of biting off more than he can chew, something they all have in common but it always seems the most prevalent in Danny; or at least the most noticeable.

It's not until he's sixteen, being sat down and having his brother and Bruce explain to him about Danny's lack of aging and the extent of Danny's illness does he find out why. What little video footage he can find on the Phantom of Amity Park reveals a powerhouse; a shooting star in his own right. His brother used to be larger than life, going toe-to-toe with beings on the same level as Superman and winning.

It's both very hard and laughably easy to see the similarities in supergiant star Phantom and the neutron star Nightingale. There's one thing that hasn't changed though; they both smile the same way. Looking at his brother feels like looking at a living tragedy now. He starts helping Bruce find a cure -- if this Vlad Masters guy can get his hands on blood blossoms in order to poison his godson, they can find it to make an antidote.

(which is another thing. Vlad Masters is a despised name amongst the Wayne Family.)

Once Dick knows the full truth, Danny lets him in on inside jokes once previously kept between him and Bruce. Little jokes from his time as Phantom and quips about his illness that wouldn't make sense without full context given. Danny one day nudges his elbow against Dick's side after a long patrol, and with an impish grin tells him; "I would take this over fighting Skulker any day."

"One of your old rogues?"

"Oh yeah. He was the Ghost Zone's "greatest bounty hunter", some bounty hunter he was. He routinely got his ass kicked by an untrained kid. He wanted my skin on his wall."

"What?"

"It's funnier than it sounds, trust me! He used to work with Vlad, but he cut all ties after he heard what he did to me. I guess there are lines even he won't cross."

A constant between all the kids is that they can get a little overprotective over Danny. It's a case of little siblings being protective over their older brother; general familial protectiveness; and Danny's illness. He, just like the rest of them, tends to neglect his health at times. They're all pots calling the other kettles black, but the consequences of Danny not taking care of himself feels a lot more real than with everyone else.

There's really not a sibling whose "worse" than the others, because it fluctuates. But Jason might be the worst if I had to pick; I wouldn't be surprised if he has illness trauma. When he was a kid living in Wayne manor he was Danny's little living shadow whenever his health took a minor dip. Danny spent a lot of time unsuccessfully convincing Jason that he wasn't going to drop over dead.

... i didn't go into it because i was distracted and i was originally just gonna leave it in the tags, but i think it deserves to be in post because I have more thoughts on it than I thought.

But i imagine it's like. genuinely terrifying whenever danny's health crashes and burns. Because before they got those bracelets (which look rather unassuming and cuff-like) Danny's crashes more often than not felt like someone cutting the strings on a puppet. Just. abrupt, scary plummets in his health because his ecto-levels quietly reached a point where the blood blossoms could kick back into full gear. There's few things more terrifying than Bruce watching his kid cough up blood, there's even less when he coughs up a blood clot the size of a golf ball.

They got those bracelets made shortly before or sometime after dick joined the family, but neither Bruce nor Dick will ever forget the awful dread of watching Danny slowly recover, be almost completely healthy and full of life, completely vibrant like a spring flower, only to collapse later and at random. It was easy to get caught up in Danny's charismatic magnetism, only to remember later that it was going to be nipped at the bud at any moment.

It's a lot like going on a rollercoaster and knowing when you'll reach the top, but never knowing when you'll drop. Just that it will soon.

One thing that stays the same, however, is Danny consistently bouncing back from it tho. Even while actively sick there's always an aura of hope around him, and how it's just a sick spell. He'll bounce back and be back on his feet in a week, he always is! It was either that or falling into a depressive hell.

Danny never got as badly sick after that until Jason's death. There have been a few scares where he got pretty sick after he was forced to use his powers, but he bounced back within a day or two. Beforehand it'd take a week at best, and then he was weak for a while afterward.

The rest of the family never knew how bad it got because Dick, Bruce, and Danny never talked about it. Dick and Bruce didn't because it was frankly just, terrifying and traumatizing. Neither of them like talking or thinking about it, and Danny doesn't bring it up because it sucked for him, and well... he never thought it was important to bring up. He saw no point in bringing it up because it felt like trying to garner pity points, there's never a good reason or time to bring up what life was like before his suppressors.

Which brings up a very angsty idea I've got that took this out of the tags, where Danny's bracelets break one day and he doesn't tell anyone -- just quietly alerts Lucius Fox that he'll need the parts to make new ones. And the thing about Danny's bracelets is that the way they 'suppress' him is by detecting when his ecto-levels reach a certain level, before then absorbing the ectoplasm he's producing until his ecto-levels have lowered to a safe level. The absorbed ectoplasm gets steadily released into the atmosphere with the rest of the ambient 'plasm in the air.

It's a rather elaborate piece of tech, and Danny's frankly a little scared of crashing before he can get those parts and make new ones. But it normally takes months for him to crash, and Lucius said the parts he'll need will be in by the end of the month at latest.

Murphy is very cruel -- or more accurately, my own entertainment is. Because of course Danny ends up aiding in a fight that hits all the check boxes of causing a crash: he's in a high-stress situation where he's tense up the wazoo, and forced to use his powers a few times -- intangibility being one of the worst offenders. Pair that with the physical exertion, and by the time they're done, Danny is trembling, nauseous, and in a lot of physical agony from the blood blossom extract.

"You alright?" One of his siblings asks, hovering, and Danny's mask is hiding his unfocused staring as he's hit with another hot flash, so he doesn't bother even looking at them to nod. He's staring over their shoulder trying to ignore the burn in his lungs.

"Yeah." He grits out, "peachy. Jus' took a lot out of me, y'know how it is." It's a lot of effort to not slur his words, and he ends up doing it anyways.

He manages to make it until Batman shows up before he finally collapses. Danny's lurking off in the corner, trying to keep an eye on things (somewhat unsuccessfully), but when he sees Batman an instinctive part of him relaxes, and that's when his body gives up on trying to keep itself together.

He's hit with a coughing fit that results in his head swimming, and a blood clot the size of a tennis ball sitting in his hand. "Oh. Shit." He says, blood dripping down his chin. "That's no good."

Batman's shadow appears over him, and he looks up as Bruce grabs his shoulders tightly. "M- my- uh-- m'bracelets broke." he tells him, and watches his dad practically stop breathing. "Bu- s'-- it's- 's fine. ll'be fff'ne."

(He won't be. But he'll live.)

I am loudly pushing the batdad agenda i am loudly pushing the— DPxDC Prompt

“Woah. You look like shit."

Granted, that’s probably not the first thing Danny should be saying to the guy that just bit the curb, but in his defense; he’s not running on 100% right now either.

The man -- tall, towering, and broader than Danny is tall -- whips around on his heel, black frayed cape flaring out impressively. Danny would've whistled in appreciation, but he takes the time instead to wipe the back of his hand across his mouth, smearing the blood running from his nose across his cheek.

"Sorry." He blinks widely, not even flinching as the man with the horns zeroes in on him. "That was rude of me. I have a really bad brain-to-mouth filter; Sam says its what always gets me into trouble."

And she's not wrong either, per say. His smart mouth is what landed him in this situation -- with blood blossom extract running through his veins and cannibalizing the ectoplasm in his bloodstream. Thanks Vlad.

The man grunts at him; a short, curt "hm" that shouldn't make Danny smile, but he does because he's somewhat delirious and probably concussed. The man keeps some kind of distance, sinking towards the shadows of Gotham's alleyway like he dares to melt right into it.

If it's supposed to scare Danny, it doesn't work. Danny's never been afraid of the dark; he's always been able to hide himself in it. He blinks slowly at the mass of shadows.

"You look hurt." The shadows says, blurring together around the edges. Danny squints, and licks his lips to get the blood dripping down his chin off. Ugh, he hates the taste of blood.

"I am." He says, "My godfather poisoned me. M'dying." The agony of the blood blossom eating him from the inside out looped back around to numbing a while ago, so all he feels is half-awake and dazed.

"Hey," Danny stumbles forward towards the man, a bloodied hand reaching out to him. "You-- you're a hero, right? You're not attacking me; which is more than I can say for most costumed people I've met." Maybe it's a poor bar to judge someone at, but he's already established that Danny's not in his right mind.

The man makes no change in expression, but Danny realizes blearily that it's hard to tell with the shadows on his face. He stays still long enough for Danny to latch onto the cape -- stretchy, but almost soft under his fingers.

He looks up blearily into the whites of the man's eyes. "Can you help me? I don't-- I don't wanna die." Again. He doesn't wanna die again. He blinks slow and lizard-like. "I mean- I'll probably get to see mom and dad again, but I told them I'd at least try and make it to adulthood."

There's a clatter down the street, and Danny's ghost sense chills up his spine and leaves a bitter, ashy taste in his mouth. He immediately knows who it belongs to even before the deceptively gentle; "Daniel?" echoes down the way.

"Daniel? Quit your games, badger, Gotham is dangerous for children."

Danny's mouth pulls back, and blood spills against his tongue. "Please." He rasps, and grabs onto the shadow's cape with both hands. "Please. He's going to kill me. Please--"

"Daniel? Is that you?"

His lips part, dragging in air to plead with the darkness again. He doesn't need to, the whites of his eyes narrow, and the cape whirls around him before Danny can blink. Soon swaddled in shadows, the Night lifts him up, and steals him away.

[therealvinelle]

Ok I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I'm just now copying your Norwegian Bella AU into a text translator, and if you don't already have 50 people in your inbox demanding a translation then shame on ALL OF US because this is glorious! And while Google Translate does have a certain charm (it translated "piper hun ut" as "she beeps") I'm curious to see how you'd put it in English.

Troquantary is referring to this post. In which Bella doesn't speak English.

Fun fact, you're the only one who's gone into my inbox to request this. I was so sad, had the translation half-written and everything, but I was too proud to beg. So thank you, Troquantary, for popping this ask.

As for the dictionary fuckups, sounds about right. I made a few typos, too, that made Google Translate suffer even more. (Such as managing to mix up "henne" (her) and "hendene" (hands), resulting in Aro patting Bella instead of clapping his hands. Poor Google.)

Also, there are a few cultural references and language things that would be lost in the translation, in an attempt to keep them I included notes clarifying things.

Some things, like Aro and Carlisle's very old man way of speaking, are easier said than done to translate, you'll have to bear with me there.

Additional notes are that I added a few things to this version, many of them because translating is hard, but a few because while translating I thought "oh you know what would be much funnier-" and then wrote that.

Alright, without further ado:

When Renée left Charlie she did not go to Florida, she went to Oslo. And she went all in to make her daughter a true Norwegian, hiring Norwegian nannies and making sure never to speak English around the child. Since transatlantic flights are expensive, little Bella Swan rarely got to visit her father, and as such she never did learn what should have been her native language.

She quickly forgot what English she did have in favor of Norwegian, with the exception of words like “Yes”, “No”, and “I’m Bella”.

The few trips she took to visit her father were all the more awkward than in canon since she couldn’t play with the Black kids. Let not the blame fall upon Charlie: he took Norwegian classes and speaks conversational Norwegian. He can’t speak to Renée, because her Norwenglish is incomprehensible even to Norwegians, but he can communicate with Bella.

Not that he’s had a lot of chances to do so.

Bella makes it to seventeen years old, she’s in second grade at Handels* and is a major outsider among the preps there, and then Renée marries a handsome skier**. Together they shall travel the continent all winter to participate in as many skiing races as they can, and in the summer they’ll take gigs at Hurtigruta to see the coast.

*“Handels” is the nickname for an Oslo high school infamous for its pupils being rich and beautiful blonds who are going to be CEOs when they grow up.

**Skiing as a sport is huge in Norway

***Hurtigruta is a famous ferry that travels across the Norwegian West coast

Bella, who sucks at skiing and is too young to work at Hurtigruten, takes the hint.

With dread in her stomach and dictionary in hand she goes to her father in America.

Where she doesn’t speak the language.

Faen.

Charlie gives her a car, and I wish this meta was set in the present because I could have joked about electric cars and the automat only driver’s license*, but Twilight is set in 2005 so I can’t. The car part proceeds without drama.

*An increasing number of Norwegian youth take the driver’s license for automatic cars only, and we’re the country in the world with the highest percentage of electric car purchases.

School is worse than in canon, because she is now a thousand times more sensational than if she was merely the new student. She is from another country! All of Forks keels over with excitement.

To make matters even worse, our girl doesn’t understand a word of what people are saying.

She is too awkward to let them know she doesn’t know English. It’d become a thing, and they might think she’s dumb. To be fair, it’s not good that she’s been through primary, secondary, and now a year and a half of high school and still sucks at English.

So she nods, smiles, mumbles “Hi, I’m Bella” to the new faces, and blushes heavily when anybody says anything.

People assume she’s shy. That’s a bit boring, but oh well.

She has her biology class with the redhead hottie she noticed during lunch. She watched him and his family, they were fascinatingly pretty, but she doesn’t know anything more about them. Sure would have been great if she could have asked the tiny girl (was it Jess?) about them.

Biology proceeds as in canon - Edward badly wants to eat the delicious girl, but fortunately doesn’t.

She runs into him in the office when he tries to switch to another biology lesson, but she has no idea what he’s saying so she only has the suspicion that this somehow concerns her. Which is still uncomfortable, but Bella is probably the problem here. The hottie surely can’t be.

He’s missing from school for a week, Bella finds that weird.

He returns, and to her great horror he starts talking to her.

“Hello”, he says.

Bella dies inside. He’s too handsome!

"I'm Edward Cullen," he continues, and ok, she got that. The hottie is called Edward, that’s good to know. She’s not sure she caught that last name, though, Köln?

He says something else, it’s gibberish to Bella even though she’s concentrating, and at the end there he says “Bella Swan”.

She gulps.

"I'm Bella Swan," she confirms and nods. That should be correct. God, she hopes it’s correct.

He smiles a crooked, boyish smile. She’s awed. She didn’t think it was possible to be so beautiful.

He says something else.

Bella didn’t catch it.

She blushes even harder, she hasn’t been more embarrassed in her life. Here he is, the most handsome guy in all the world, and she has nothing to say to him. Literally, they don’t speak the same language.

She should tell him.

It’s one thing to chicken out of telling the town she doesn’t speak English, but there’s something different about Edward Cullen. He deserves the truth.

But...

He’s the most beautiful person she has seen in her life. He is American, too, so the odds of him knowing Norwegian are microscopical. If he finds out she doesn’t understand a word he says he’ll stop talking to her, and selfish as she is she doesn’t want that.

So with a slightly guilty conscience (but not enough to fess up) she contributes to the conversation with enough words and smiles to pull through. "Yes", "No", "Thank you", and "That's nice".

He is surprised by several of these answers, but instead of giving her odd looks and losing interest he grows more invested in the conversation.

Class ends.

The next day the near accident happens, and he saves her. She is stunned - dear god, did he just pick up a whole car? After teleporting across the parking lot..?

Soon she’s in the ER, and more than a little bit stressed about that fact since she knows the Americans have a terrible healthcare system.

She hopes Charlie has an insurance.

An insanely beautiful man walks into the ER, and Bella is shocked. He is just as handsome as Edward and Edward’s lunch friends!

He introduces himself as Carlisle Cullen, and Bella can only assume this is someone’s older brother. Possibly related to the blonde girl.

He smiles at her, says something, and she answers, "I'm Bella Swan."

He frowns.

That must have been the wrong answer, then.

His hands return to investigating her scalp, and to her great surprise he switches to perfect Norwegian, "kjenner De* noe ubehag når jeg holder her?" Do you feel any discomfort when I touch here?

*De is the Norwegian polite pronoun for “you”. Du = thou = the French tu, and De = you = the French vous. These polite pronouns went out of use in the 1980’s, save for when addressing royal persons, and would be considered antiquated in 2005.

He hurries to add, "Norsk lærte jeg i... fjor sommer. Det var et nettkurs." I learned Norwegian… last year. Online class.

"Hvilket da?" Which one? Bella asks, because Charlie needs to hear about this. The doctor has beautiful, if slightly outdated, pronunciation.

The doctor’s smile turns uncertain. She gets the feeling there’s something he doesn’t want to say. "Husker ikke," I don’t remember, sier han etter en litt vel lang pause.

That’s a shame. And weird.

"De hadde hellet med Dem i dag, som ikke ble truffet av den bilen." You were lucky today, not getting hit by that car. he then says, noticeably changing the subject.

"Det var ikke hell, det var Edward," It wasn’t luck, it was Edward, she replies sharply.

The doctor definitely looks uncomfortable.

She continues, "Han krysset skolegården på et blunk, og plukket opp hele bilen. Jeg så det," He crossed the schoolyard in a moment, and picked up the whole car. I saw it,

The doctor laughs. "Om han kunne det hadde nok gymkarakteren hans vært meget bedre. Nei, frøken Swan*, jeg beklager å si at det høres ut som at De er litt omtåket. Det er helt normalt ved hjernerystelse." If he could do that, his PE grade would be a lot better. No, Miss Swan, I’m sorry to say you seem confused. That’s normal with concussions.

*Addressing a young woman as “frøken” is even more outdated than using polite pronouns.

Why does Bella get the feeling he’s lying?

She’s discharged.

We’ll jump ahead to her trip to La Push - that trip uneventful, since Jacob knows she doesn’t speak English. They stick their hands in their pockets and stare at the sea.

The next day she’s shanghaied to Port Angeles, because apparently she said “Yes” at the wrong time when talking to Jessica (Turns out Jess’s name was Jessica!) and accidentally said yes to a day trip to Port Angeles.

Like in canon she wanders away from the others, and as in canon she is nearly gang raped. And again as in canon she is saved at the last moment by Edward.

He buys her dinner, and she can’t believe her own luck- and misfortune. A date with the most handsome guy on the planet (hence the luck) and she can’t say a word to him (hence the misfortune)!

He says things to her, lends her his jacket, and really this is it for Bella, she’s peaked, life can’t get better than this.

(That’s a lie, it would be better if she spoke English.)

He’s so amazing.

She’s gotten pretty good at navigating conversations with him, so she nods and aha’s her way through.

In his car on the way home the tone takes a more serious turn.

He asks her about something, and it’s a serious question, that much she’s gathered. She answers in the confirmative.

He is silent.

Did she say anything wrong?

(Edward, on his end, just asked if she knows what he is. She said yes, so calmly, not even a trace of fear in her.)

A few days later he takes her out on a walk in the woods.

He shows her a meadow in the woods, and when he steps into it he lights up in the sunlight.

Bella is in shock.

She knew there was something different about him, but- holy cow. This guy isn’t human.

Is she dating a god?

She stumbles into the clearing after him, and they spend a day together where he says things, and she can barely hear any of it (nevermind understand it) because she’s so distracted by how pretty he is.

The next day he takes her to a house in the middle of nowhere. She doesn’t want to guess that this can be where he lives. Surely gods don’t live in houses?

He shows her inside the house, and introduces her for Dr. Cullen and a lady with a name she doesn’t catch.

Bit weird that these two are acting like a couple of parents, they’re far too young and divine for that.

Edward shows her around in an old-fashioned office, and she doesn’t know what to make of i when she sees a painting of Carlisle. Edward launches into a long story when he sees her watching it, unfortunately she doesn’t catch any dates or artist names. At one point she heard the word “suicide”, though, and that’s not good.

She doesn’t get much out of the story.

The baseball game doesn’t happen because Bella didn’t pick up on what Edward wanted and didn’t realize she was being invited to a thing. They spend the afternoon watching a movie instead.

The relationship continues, impeded slightly by communication problems, but she’s mostly able to cover those up.

Until her birthday comes around.

She gets a papercut.

Jasper lunges at her. Edward throws her into a glass table, and then everyone is leaving.

Carlisle is kind enough to switch to Norwegian when he’s stitching up her arm, perhaps remembering the last time she was his patient. "Jasper har ikke vært på dietten vår så veldig lenge." Jasper hasn’t been on our diet for very long.

"Diett?"she asks. She’s never seen Edward eat anything. She wasn’t clear on what the Cullens ate, honestly she thought they were above such things. She was thinking maybe photosynthesis. The knowledge that they apparently eat food astounds her, but diets?

"Dyreblod istedenfor menneskeblod," Animal blood in stead of human blood, Carlisle clarifies.

Whachasay?

Carlisle gives a slight smile. “Jaspers liv som vampyr fikk en brutal start." Jasper’s life as a vampire got off to a brutal start.

...

Vampire?!

Bella’s missed something here.

Oh dear lord, oh fy faen, she has missed something.

“Åja”, uh huh, is all she can say, and suddenly she’s very aware of the fact that she’s sitting there with a bleeding arm.

And Carlisle.

Who is a vampire.

Over the course of the following conversation Bella makes a host of discoveries.

Edward has been a vampire this whole time, and he’s a telepathic vampire. Whether Bella should be a vampire too or not has been a matter of hot debate, but due to religious reasons Edward doesn’t want that.

Carlisle also brings up how Edward died of the Spanish flu.

"Jeg var under den oppfatning at Edward fortalte deg bakhistorien min?" I was under the impression Edward told you my back story? Carlisle asks at one point, and Bella just has to ask very nicely if he’d be so kind as to repeat it.

Turns out the guy is nearly four hundred years old.

Jaha.

Jahahaha jaa ha.

That’s… a lot.

She wanders out of the house in shock, and hardly notices Edward’s strange behavior over the next couple of days.

One day he picks her up at school, and takes her behind the house.

That works out.

He’s a vampire, but he never hurt her. He is endlessly beautiful, perhaps easier to love now that she knows he’s not a god. He’s her Edward, and that’s suddenly easier now that she knows.

They can still be together.

But now that she knows this about him, it’s about time he knows something about her as well.

It’s time to finally be honest with him.

So when he opens his mouth, she opens her mouth as well, but she doesn’t get any further than to “Edward-” before he launches into a monologue.

She’ll have to wait until he’s done before saying her piece. It’s a bit embarrassing, but it doesn’t seem like he intends to stop talking anyway.

And what he’s saying seems to be serious, so it’s probably best to let him finish.

Edward concludes his monologue by kissing her forehead. Then he disappears.

Where did he go?

A big unsure, Bella goes back to the house. She’ll just have to wait until he gets back.

She doesn’t know what to think when Charlie returns from work and tells her the Cullens have all left.

Oh, god.

Edward must have found out she doesn’t speak English.

She made a mockery of him.

He has every right to leave.

Knowing this doesn’t make it any easier to live with.

Bella sinks into a depression.

The hallucinations begin, as in canon, though Hallusinward speaks Norwegian. Thank god for small mercies.

The friendship with Jacob (dictionary in hand) blooms, as someone has to help her see those hallucinations.

The cliff diving happens, and Alice shows up. Bella’s not sure what this is about, but she has gotten good enough at English to know that something bad happened, and Alice wants them to do something.

She’s a bit surprised to find herself on a plane to Italy, though.

Alice tells her to “Run to Edward” and ok, she got that, actually.

So she saves Edward.

After that she’s taken into the sewer, which turns out to house dozens of vampires.

Bella, Edward, and Alice are received in some kind of hall, where an unusual vampire has quite a bit to say. She understands some of what he’s saying, at least the part about “la tua cantante”. She knows a bit about Italian, see, so she knows that he’s talking about a song now.

She wishes she knew the context.

At one point he takes her hand, and appears fascinated by it. She wonders if he’s a palmreader. Not very vampirey, but what does she know.

He asks her a question.

"Yes," she says.

Saying yes has gotten her this far, after all.

But when he lights up and claps his hands together, and Edward and Alice stare at her in shock and betrayal, she knows she must have said the wrong thing.

The two are dismissed from the room before Bella can do or say anything, she’s just listening to Edward make a racket outside in the hallway.

Not good.

The unusual vampire brings her further down in his sewer palace to a basement, and she is given comfortable clothes to wear.

This is getting terrifying.

The vampire leans towards her - and she chickens out.

"Jeg snakker ikke engelsk!" she squeaks. "Non habla ingles!" I don’t speak English.

Han stanser, og ser forvirret ut. "Que- Hva behager*?" I beg your pardon? spør han etter et øyeblikk.

*A very formal, and slightly outdated (you can use it, but people will think you’re putting on airs. And they will be right) way of saying “excuse me?”

Sobbing, Bella tells him the whole story, from how she didn’t want to be the weird kid in school to how she’s now somehow in Italy without knowing why nor what she just agreed to.

When she’s done the vampire starts laughing.

"Dette forklarer jo en hel del," This explains quite a bit, ler han. "Men, kjære Bella, jeg er redd det ikke endrer noe." But, my dear Bella, I’m afraid it changes nothing.

He tells her that she has agreed to serve him and his army of undead warriors into eternity.

Well fuck.

"Du skal få slippe det, når du ikke visste hva du samtykket til - men skjebnen din forblir den samme. Loven er loven." You’re released from that promise, as you didn’t know what you agreed to - but your fate remains the same. The law is the law.

After a moment of silence, during which she looks terrified, he hurries to add, "Vi har en lov. Du må bli en av oss." We have a law. You must become one of us.

A law that Bella Swan has to become a vampire?

People are finally speaking Norwegian, and Bella is still lost. And it’s too embarrassing to keep pestering this poor, polite man with questions.

So she nods.

He gives her a glittering smile, and bites her.

When she wakes, Aro offers her an English course. A language course that, naturally, leads to her staying in Volterra. Why not learn a few more languages while we’re at it, dearest Bella?

Some time later Edward breaks into Volterra to save his Rapunzel, only to barely recognize her now that she’s a vampire who says things. Lots of things, she talks all the time now. WHAT DID ARO DO TO HER.

Too mortified to admit that she never spoke English, Bella claims she’s been brainwashed.

Aro is having too much fun to correct her, and the whole sad affair sets off a regrettable flood of rumors.

[oidheadh-con-culainn]

recently I have been repeatedly finding myself in situations where I have to like. gently redirect people away from ableism and shittiness. like a (temporary) housemate talking about "the obesity crisis" and joking about the free biscuits at this event making everyone fat, and having to be like "okay but size isn't health and also there are systemic and structural reasons why people don't eat more healthily, too", without just shutting it down and going "stop being fatphobic". and then later, an exercise to write a passage essentially mocking donald trump and someone in the group immediately suggesting focusing on appearance and stuff and having to be like "hey, wouldn't it be much funnier to focus on his house getting raided because of the secret documents he kinda nicked?" because actively saying "you know what, mocking the appearance of shitty people just makes non-shitty people around you feel bad" would have been way too heavy for the situation and there wasn't time for that

and these were really specific situations where I COULDN'T just call people out for their biases, i don't know them well enough and we didn't have time to do it properly so it would only have shut things down instead of opening any new doors. but it made me think there are lots of times when making a conversation kinder can be done with that gentler redirection, and refusing to participate in shitty behaviours, and not everything has to be a callout when it could just be a nudge in a different direction. and sure maybe somebody at some point needs to take those people aside and say "look, you're being shitty", but right now, in this moment, it's often more productive to just go "hey, here's a non-shitty direction we can take here", instead of having to make a fight out of it

anyway idk sometimes it's better to point out a different door for people to go through rather than just reaching to slam the one they're already aiming for, you know?

[lawisnotmocked]

Hello sir. You will probably either find this deeply offensive or hilarious but lately I have an obsession with the character of Javert as I recently watched the 2012 Les Mis because “oh the memes about it back in the day were classic.” Yes I am serious sometimes I watch movies just because I liked a YTP of it. Then I find out that in addition to being perfect meme fodder, Javert has a weird one-sided (??) pseudo enemies to loves dynamic with the loaf of bread guy (I did not know his name until like three days ago to me he was always just the guy who sang “I stole a loaf of bread.”)These types of characters who give vibes like they’re lgbt, have dog or cat-like qualities, and are overly dramatic typically become my Blorbos (a similar example would be majima from RGG who’s also a crazy dog-like man who attacks his crush.) SO what I am requesting is could you please give me your crack headcanons about Javert? Like funny shit about Javert. If you have recommends for crack fics about Javert I’d appreciate it, bonus points if any of the headcanons/fics are Valvert cuz idk I just find them really funny together. Prob mostly because of the memes not gonna lie. If you could also educate me on Valjean and Javert’s mannerisms in the Brick I would be most appreciative because to be totally real with u… I’m so sorry but I don’t wanna read or watch parts that are not about him or loaf guy 😬 (ya I kno shame on me and all that…) but I need to know more about how they act so I can make hideous crack fics of my own. Thank u 🙏🐶

First of all anon how does it feel to be the funniest person on the internet this is the best ask I’ve ever received :’3

Even without crack headcanons brick Javert is just absolutely hilarious as a character?? I feel like a lot of adaptations try to take him too seriously and like yeah he does have a serious and tragic aspect to his character but he’s also a very fruity drama queen who has like 0 awareness of his surroundings, acts like a feral dog on crack and has this weird magic power that allows him to know people’s real identity no matter how well disguised they are. (I maintain that les mis does have a form of magic system in the brick but it’s more like mundane mostly useless superpowers?? Like super strength that just makes you a little bit more strong that an average person, or really good instincts or something. Anyway lol)

Some Actual Canon Facts about Javert from the brick are:

- Is implied to have the soul of a dog

- Bares all of his teeth when he smiles

- Fucking hates reading but does it anyway

- Keeps a snuffbox on him at all times and snorts snuff after he feels like an arrest has gone well

- Dissociates for a solid 5 minutes and misses the entirety of a conversation bc someone said something he didn’t agree with

- I know the ‘you need to punish me Mr Mayor’ scene is in the movie but it’s so much funnier in the brick :’3

- Accidentally sets his coat on fire by standing too close to the stove

- Announces himself to Thenardier’s criminal gang who he’s about to arrest by making a stupid joke

- Tells Thenardier that he can shoot him if he wants because the gun will just misfire. Thenardier shoots him and the gun misfires.

- Doesn’t really have any friends and his coworkers don’t like him either because he doesn’t take bribes and refuses to work with criminals to catch other criminals

- There’s an entire Code Of Symbolism in the brick thats purpose is to represent how horny Javert is, which I wrote about here along with some other Javert related stuff

This man is just a fucking disaster honestly :’3 I headcanon that’s he’s ADHD, autistic, severely depressed and probably has some form of childhood PTSD?? But I’ve also seen other people headcanon that he has BPD or OCD and honestly all of them are good hcs because he’s absolutely neurodivergent.

I absolutely understand not wanting to read the whole brick if you only care about two of the characters lol, but the Hapgood English translation of the brick is public domain so I’ve linked a couple of Javert chapters you might find funny!

Javert’s introduction | punish me mr mayor | Javert lends Marius two pistols he never gets back and burns his coat on the stove | Javert arrests Thenardier and tells him to shoot him

Brick Valjean is also a chaotic bitch but he’s less camp and more like a cryptid with PTSD. Off the top of my head he:

- Sews money into the inside of his coat when Cosette is young

- Keeps the rest of his money buried in the woods

- Accidentally convinces some townspeople that he’s the devil by sneaking around said woods

- Stuffs his pockets with wigs and disguises in case he ever needs to make a quick getaway

- Someone tries to rob him and he tackles them to the ground then lectures them on how they should let god into their heart and stop stealing

- Holds a hot poker against his arm when Thenardier tries to extort him for money to intimidate him

- He just really loves Cosette this isn’t a funny or anything he just really loves his daughter and wants the best for her

In the brick Javert also doesn’t even actively seek out Valjean?? They go years without thinking about each other then they run into each other again in the weirdest circumstances and go ‘omg not this weirdo again 🙄’

As for my own favourite crack headcanons :3c

- Modern au Javert is a furry. His fursona is a wolfdog called Orion :-)

- [NSFW] He’s unironically into vore

- He wants a fursuit very badly but he can’t afford it until he’s dating Valjean and Valjean buys him one

- Valjean doesn’t get it but he’s glad his partner is happy :-)

- [NSFW] In my ideal Javert lives modern au he quits the police, goes to therapy and joins a kink group because I think he’d thrive in that environment 😌

- Valjean has like 5 fake driver’s licenses

- Javert will literally comment on how hot he finds a man and still doesn’t realise he’s gay until he makes out with Valjean. Thinks he’s straight even though he’s never been attracted to a woman before. Is literally that unaware of his own feelings.

- Valjean has no fashion sense. He dresses so bad that it comes full circle and it looks like his outfit clashes intentionally. Cosette is horrified.

- Javert is awful to watch movies with, especially detective movies, because he talks the whole time and points out all the inaccuracies

- Valjean never makes eye contact. Javert makes too much very intense eye contact.

- No one invites them to events because they’re awful together. Javert shit talks people’s outfits or decor very loudly to Valjean and Valjean hates socialising and doesn’t want to be there

I don’t think I know any good crack fic bc I mostly just read angst lol uwu’’ but if anyone has any suggestions pls feel free to add them!! I’ll add links if I think of anything though 😌

[bokutoslittlebird]

Haikyuu Characters as Husbands/Dads [Meian, Osamu]

Semi will be released at a later date (because I lost his and don’t know where it went 😥)

Meian - 2 sons

> I'd love for this man to be my husband, no lie. He's supportive and so attractive, like there is no downside. Plus, he's funny, but can be strict when he needs to be so kids actually like him.

> Husband Meian is one of the best because while he has his own responsibilities, he always makes time to spend with you. He takes care of you (so you don't have to work) and he's a great support system. Also, you visiting him at practice? You're like the team mom because everyone loves you.

> This man, oh my gosh. His dick is big, I know it is. He's one of the few who has to prep you heavily before he gets on with the main course, but it is so delicious when he does. Sex can sometimes be spontaneous, but he usually saves some energy to get back home and please you before bath time and then bed. On his days off, morning sex is common and sometimes he just gets so horny. It's like everything you do is so unbelievably hot.

> Now, children. Children, for him, is not something he necessarily needs in his life. If you don't want kids because you don't like them or you can't, that's fine. He won't push the issue. If you want kids and can't have them, he'll look into adoption places. You want him to get you pregnant? Congratulations, you unlocked the Breeding Kink badge. Collect it once you can walk again! But for real, with the consent to finish inside you, he is in heaven.

> The pregnancy process is a normal one, surprisingly. Once more your pillar, he is there when you feel sick or are in pain. He also promises to share in the responsibilities once the child is born, since he hears you getting up constantly because of the baby. He doesn't go to every doctor visit, but he does try to go to the ones that matter. Also, MSBY loves when you come around because they can fawn over you.

> Bokuto probably fawns over you the most, but Hinata's right there with him. Sometimes, Meian has to tell them to skedaddle because they forgot they're volleyball players and not daycare workers. Atsumu also fawns over you, but he doesn't do it as much. Sakusa.. he doesn't like babies that much. They're kind of gross, in his opinion, but he seems to understand the fuss once he feels the baby moving (after he's gotten used to it).

> The due date arrives and Meian is completely calm. He is aware that it would happen today and is prepared. He seems calm, but is actually panicking. He worries about any complications, but he tries to stay positive for you. When you're squeezing his hand and cursing him for putting a baby in you, he is actually sorry. He feels so guilty, but he kisses your hand and your forehead, telling you how proud he is and how much he loves you. Once the screams of a small child fill the room, you're both crying from happiness.

> You deal with the child most of the time, but you do take your kid to practices and matches. Once the kid can be taken to practices, it's over for organized practices. Everyone's cooing and looking at the baby, telling you how proud you must be and how they're so cute. Of course, Inunaki jokes that the only reason it's cute is because you're the mother, because Meian has no good features. Anyways, everyone does extra work that day.

> Meian can't be there as much as he wants to be, so he often makes up for it by holding his promise of helping out at night. He may be exhausted from the day, but he knows you'd be even more exhausted after dealing with his spawn after the day is over. It also helps the kid get used to him, seeing dad takes care of him as much as mom, you know?

> Meian is also not against a second child, as long as you're okay with it. You might get pregnant again on accident, but he can't say he's upset about the positive pregnancy test. He'll be there with you through thick and thin, no matter what.

Osamu - Twins, 1 boy and 1 girl

> This man is a godsend. I love him, you love him, it all works out. He is also one of the best husbands to have because of his fantastic cooking ability. 

> The wedding was almost as chaotic as Tendo’s, not gonna lie. With his brother there, it was chaos. Suna recorded the whole thing, so get togethers involve the wedding tape being displayed. Watching Atsumu shove an entire cake slice into Osamu’s face is funny, sure, but watching Osamu practically hurl the entire cake at Atsumu is even funnier. Aran picking up Kita before he gets trampled by cake-covered twins is so sweet, it’s the sweeter than the cake (Osamu had a spare in case).

> Now this man, this man will never let you starve. Oh, you're kind of hungry? Food. He's making you Onigiri. Oh, you want something new for dinner? He's whipping out three different cookbooks and his laptop to look up new recipes. Oh, need a midnight snack? He prepared something before bed, so you'd have a midnight snack. The best husband to marry.. if you love food.

> If you are not as crazy about food as him, that's okay, but he will bring food into the bedroom. Maybe once a week if you're okay with it, but if not then once a month. He loves licking things off your body, so food play. I also feel like he loves to feed you, so feederism, but he just enjoys seeing you in the sea of pleasure and enjoying his food. It fills him with so much love.

> Speaking of love, the children. He's gonna have twins if he pops a baby into you. If there is a bun in the oven, some baby batter in the baby factory, you're gonna be seeing double. However, children are not a necessity. He doesn't find joy in raising children like some people, but he isn't heavily against it, either. If you cannot have children or simply don't want to get pregnant, but want them, he will also be okay with that. Looking through options and settling on a decision together brings you guys closer, after all.

> If you choose to get pregnant, he is one of the best to be with you. While there's Kuroo, with big bucks, Osamu can make anything to sate cravings. He's willing to take time off from the shop and focus on you, and he's good at dealing with mood swings. He's lived this long after being around Atsumu, Suna, and Kita. He can handle mood swings. He is also always with you when you go to the doctor, with questions of what he can and cannot feed you. It's his love language, after all!

> The babies, aww. You guys get a set of twins, a boy and girl, who look a lot like Osamu and Atsumu from their baby pictures. Atsumu is there and he jokes that maybe they're his kids, but one look from Kita has him apologizing almost immediately. Yes, Inarizaki alumni have gathered in the hospital to look upon the children. Well, not the hospital, they visit Osamu and you at home, where you're well rested and recovering.

> Osamu is The Man. He is waking up in the middle of the night, either with or without you. If you wake up, he'll heat up some baby formula/milk for the children and also make some food for the two of you. Since it's double the trouble, he makes sure to not leave you to take care of them by yourself. If you don't wanna get up or don't wake up, he doesn't mind. This just means he can spend more time with the kids, since he's busy during the day.

> Atsumu babysits! He babysits with Kita and Aran, but he babysits! He loves being an uncle and loves to play with the twins. He also brings/buys them little toys to chew and drool over because he enjoys them enjoying things. Aran also helps Kita make food/milk for the babies, acting like an actual married couple as they feed the small spawns. Atsumu naps around this time, eventually joined by napping babies.

> When the kids get older, they'll never feel unloved. Between you and Osamu, they have two very loving parents. But then you add in Uncle 'Tsumu, Uncle Aran, Uncle Kita, Uncle Sakusa, Uncle Bokuto, Uncle Akaashi- the list never ends. Everyone that knows you guys is an uncle. Inarizaki alumnis are uncles. MSBY Black Jackals are uncles. Akaashi is always visiting Onigiri Miya and loves to interact with the kids, to the point you've asked if he plans on ever having children because he's so good with them. (He's good at taking care of kids because he's used to taking care of Bokuto).

> I have a feeling one of the kids is going to go into the culinary business. Maybe own a bakery when they're older, showing an interest for baking at such as young age. One of them is of course going to be loving volleyball, with all the volleyball "family" members around them, it's bound to happen. Both of them probably get into volleyball, becoming the new Infamous Miya Twins Duo.

[book-o-scams]

'Sorry Wrong Ed' Alternate Ending Storyboard Sequence

Check out Al Kang's Ed, Edd n Eddy portfolio!

Al Kang worked on the show during seasons 3-4 and had roles on the storyboard and prop teams apparently. (IMDb says he was credited as Al Choi at the time, but it also says he worked on season 1 episodes, which doesn't line up with the timeline he mentioned.. anyway.)

I discovered his portfolio a few months ago after seeing fandom discussion of the alternate 'Sorry Wrong Ed' ending. I was pleasantly surprised to find a few other treats as well! But yes, I even sorta liked what I learned about 'Sorry Wrong Ed' in the process... (I threw in a little analysis comparing the two endings at the bottom)

I noticed Al seemed to mix up the order on these, so I thought I'd try my best to figure out the right order. This was the most confusing one for me to try and figure out the order of since almost all 8 pages were out of order. I think I finally figured out what's going on in the original ending.

So this alternate ending starts at an unknown point with Eddy flat on the ground, presumably injured, picking himself back up. At this point in the final cut of the episode, Eddy has just been squashed by a tree, but this seems more like a different injury, and he's not even retaining his injuries from the truck scene... The scenes with Jonny and Plank from the final cut of the episode seem to not exist at all here, Jonny and Plank don't appear in this sequence.

Anyway, Eddy picks himself up in the middle of an on-going scene, sees Jimmy drop a coin in a jar for Ed, who has inexplicably turned the cursed phone into a scam on his own. Edd is glaring at the off-screen kids, who have somehow learned about this phone and are excited to kill Eddy with it.

Eddy: "Jimmy! No!"

Jimmy answers the phone: "Hello?"

Ed: "HA HA HA"

Edd: "You people don't seriously believe--"

Then we sync up with gags that did happen in the ending of Sorry Wrong Ed, with context that makes its tone a little more sadistic than random. Jimmy's paid phonecall drops the sandbox on Eddy.

This page has the most skeletal dialogue...

Kev: "Yes." (I think he's meant to be fist pumping because Eddy got hurt, more of a "Yes!")

Jimmy: "BAD LUCK EDDY PHONE." (this dialogue must have been a placeholder)

Edd: "HA HA" (sarcastic ha-ha or did Al mean to write "Ed" for this?)

Jimmy seems to offer the phone to Edd.

We sync up again with Edd's denial from the final cut of this episode, except now it actually makes sense that he's so one-track-minded, because there are people actively arguing with him and keeping him disengaged from the victim.

Edd: "There must be a cargo plane overfilled with playground supplies..."

Sarah interrupts him.

RING RING

Sarah: "Oh, that's for me."

Eddy at this point holds Ed responsible, as he should, and starts running to stop Ed or Sarah. Ed offers no explanation for his betrayal.

Eddy: "Ed! What are you doing!?"

Sarah: "Hello?"

Sarah's paid phonecall summons the hippos, the most random moment in the final cut of the episode. Note how both of these slapstick gags were storyboarded on the same generic background, seems like the lane or an empty lot, but clearly a different location than Eddy's front yard from the aired ending.

And that's all we have to go off of!

I'll put my updated opinions below the cut, but suffice it to say, I like the episode a little better now! Knowing what the ending was going to be and trying to figure out the choices that led to the ending we got, I feel more appreciative that it didn't end up a lost episode or something and less annoyed that it was 11 minutes of one joke.

I know I have a reputation for not finding slapstick funny and disliking this episode, but violence was never my only issue. Lots of episodes have lackluster slapstick that I just let wash over me. My point that never gets as much focus is that this episode never felt FINISHED to begin with. It's just a slapstick vacuum with no ending and no point, and it used to be frustrating to me not knowing for sure if my hunch was right or not that it felt like the episode just wasn't working and they had to cobble it together from the scenes that almost worked.

I am surprised to say I like the episode more now that I know that is pretty close to the truth. Judging from this peek into the episode's development, this episode seems to have reached Danny Antonucci's and/or Wootie's (the episode's lead board artist) limit for being mean-spirited with the characters without a reason. I'll still probably avoid rewatching it, but knowing the episode has no ending specifically because it's been trimmed to bare bones is somehow reassuring.

The most obvious flaw to this original ending is the lack of motivation for Ed's or the kids' actions. The kids presumably still weren't in the rest of the episode, so there's really no reason for them to be here other than reiterating the same idea from 'Your Ed Here' and 'The Good Ole Ed' that the neighborhood kids are always looking for a reason to gang up on Eddy, something that isn't really true of those characters in earlier seasons.

I think I can imagine how, on paper (in the writers' outline), this episode sounded funnier. Trying to imagine this ending as part of the whole episode, I think the script's idea of the final joke is that Ed is not satisfied with ending the tests at the point where they tried to return the phone to Rolf. I think Ed converts the curse-testing process to a scam at that point, building off of how Ed already wasn't processing Eddy's safety in anything so far, and is probably more focused on proving to Edd that curses are real (as Ed was previously in league with Evil Tim). The addition of Ed running his own tests and the kids arguing Eddy's point against Edd's while Eddy's busy, does sound more like a complete manic cartoon boiling point than the way the finished episode just petered out with Edd as the sole antagonist. But unfortunately, in visual execution, suddenly piling in so many aggressive characters and so much random violence at once, would only really result in it petering out at a higher volume.

Meanwhile Edd's characterization is made much more structurally sound in the original ending. He's annoyed FOR Eddy's sake, and the only reason he's not actively helping Eddy is because like 3 other characters were supposed to be arguing with him while this was happening. It seems extremely apparent to me that the cuts made to this ending were for the sake of mitigating Ed's reputation in the fandom, as well as the kids', and I think it's really unfortunate that Edd's characterization was the cost for salvaging everyone else's. I'm glad I already considered his behavior in 'Sorry Wrong Ed' non-canon, because now it feels like the reason the aired ending is so out-of-character is just because Edd is basically arguing with the ghost of the original scene. I formally forgive 'Sorry Wrong Ed'. Production turnarounds are tough and AKA did their best to not turn this into another forgotten 'Special Ed' episode that simply wasn't working.

I think ditching the original ending was ultimately the right call. It was not an exemplary episode, but I can admit it's less out of place to have a pure "vacuum of violence" story than it would've been to essentially give the kids a supernatural revenge plot like this. That would've been really weird to have to accept-- Eddy definitely wouldn't want to be friends with anyone at the end of the movie if THIS was their past. Changing it to an unaware Jonny and a questionably aware Plank being responsible, indeed, was a vibe that landed much more like standard EEnE fare. It was weird enough that the kids all saw Santa in JJJ, can you imagine if they all knew curses were real AND participated in attacking a neighbor with one??

If there was a silver lining for me the first time I saw this episode, it was that none of the kids were directly involved in Eddy's suffering. It made the questionable reality of the cursed device slightly more acceptable that only the Eds and Rolf know about the curse. If this ending had happened, I would've reacted the same, but I would've rejected its continuity even more than I do now, because it would just feel like they animated one of the DC Comics (where the kids can blow the Eds up with fireworks at the end or the Eds can randomly be crushed under an avalanche of anvils)-- the art could end up gorgeous but the characterizations don't exactly land as real human beings, the balance this show strives for typically.

And I think that's all I wanted to say! In the end, I found myself liking 'Sorry Wrong Ed' slightly more than I used to, all thanks to this glimpse into how the animation production system morphs the outcome of a cartoon. Thanks so much to Al Kang, for sharing your art and this insight into the industry! I don't know whether he did both the gesture drawings and the revised art, but judging from his other boards I think the cleaned up art is his, and I liked seeing the poses that almost were!