#i feel like it's been a while

[steddiealltheway]

If someone told Steve four years ago that he would be at a gay bar with Robin Buckley and Eddie Munson, he would have laughed in their face.

Actually, if Steve really thinks about it, he would’ve been nervous that the person found out he was secretly hooking up with Eddie Munson.

But that was forever ago, and although he and Eddie had a nasty falling out, things changed. More like, they both changed. And after practically co-parenting a teenager along with a reunion in a creepy alternate dimension that nearly killed Eddie, it seemed like their fate was sealed and they would always be bonded together.

Steve really didn’t mind honestly. Actually, he has enjoyed getting to know Eddie all over again while not simultaneously trying to get in his pants. Sure, Eddie would flirt with him every now and then (at least a couple times a day), and Steve would maybe flirt back sometimes (most of the time unless the kids were in earshot). But things were different now. Even though Eddie admitted that Steve had changed, it didn’t mean he would ever forgive him for cruelly breaking things off when Steve found himself experiencing actual feelings for Eddie all those years ago.

So, Steve forces him to accept that times have changed and he likely missed his chance. Currently, he settles on leaning back against the bar, nursing a fruity drink that Eddie jokingly bought him before he made his way to the dance floor and eyed everyone around him.

Steve finds his hand tightening around the glass in his hand as he’s rudely reminded of how he’s an unfortunately jealous person. But Eddie isn’t his boyfriend. Eddie really isn’t his anything except a friend. So he's not allowed to feel like his skin is crawling when he finds a few people staring at Eddie with interest.

Steve distracts himself as he glances over to where Robin is in a secluded corner, giving a shorter girl heart eyes as they both get lost in some conversation. Steve smiles and glances away, giving Robin some privacy while simultaneously keeping tabs on her.

When he looks away, his eyes betray him by settling on Eddie who now has his arms wrapped around some man with blonde hair, probably a little older than Eddie but much shorter. All Steve can think about is how Eddie is out of his league and deserves better, and he wishes he could tell him that.

But then, something weird happens. Eddie glances over his shoulder at Steve, eyebrows raised as if he's looking for Steve for approval. So, Steve goes with his gut and shakes his head, and sees Eddie turn back and slowly untwine himself from the man as if taking Steve's advice to heart.

And shit, Steve doesn't know what to do with that so he orders another drink - this time a beer that he's had before so he knows his limit - and sits on a barstool, getting comfortable as he watches over Eddie.

He sees a taller guy with various piercings make his way over to Eddie, smoothly coming up behind him and gently placing his hands on his waist, dancing along with him. Steve takes a deep swig of the beer, trying not to think too hard of the last few weeks of his and Eddie's short-lived almost relationship when Eddie started getting more comfortable with him and would dance wildly around his room to whatever metal album he had on repeat that week. And Steve would just sit back on Eddie's bed and watch him, laughing when Eddie would pause to take a breather, and laughing even harder when Eddie insisted he danced with him.

But now, he isn't dancing in that wild way that used to be familiar to Steve. No, Eddie's leaning into the man's touch, emphasizing the beat with the smooth yet sharp movement of his hips. A muscle in Steve's jaw jumps as he wonders when Eddie learned to dance like that. And who got to witness it and be subject to it after Steve.

He nearly stands up to use the restroom or go outside to get a breather when Eddie looks right up at him, eyes slightly hooded as he takes a deep breath in and raises his eyebrows while still dancing with the man.

And Steve finds himself shaking his head. He can do better. He deserves so much better than the man clearly trying to get in his pants, not even bothering to make conversation other than whatever he filthily whispers in Eddie's ear every so often.

But Eddie does the same as before, and slowly pulls away from the guy, only to gravitate toward someone else.

It's a cycle that's intoxicating to Steve. If he leaves, he risks Eddie ending up with anyone who isn't him, but as he watches, he learns a whole other side of Eddie that he wants to explore on his own. But with it all comes the painful jealousy that Steve is sure is reading across his face and steering quite a few people away from him.

He takes a deep breath and glances back toward Robin's corner, finding that she's moved on from talking with the girl to getting to know her a little more... intimately.

Steve glances away, no longer feeling the same happiness as he did for her before. God, his jealousy is consuming his entire being as it practically courses through his veins. He wants to be like Robin tonight, but he wants the other person to be Eddie.

He feels his heart skip a beat at the realization. Of course, he knew he was jealous of Eddie showing interest in other people, but Steve hadn't realized how much he was still interested in Eddie. And not just the old Eddie but the one he's come to know and has developed feelings for all over again.

Shit.

"Hey."

Steve startles a bit as Eddie practically appears in front of him breathing deeply as if he hasn't quite caught his breath yet. He has a thin veil of sweat covering his face and neck that he wipes at with a napkin he grabs from the bar. "You enjoying the view?"

Steve shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s a bit frustrating when I know you can do better.”

Eddie leans against the bar and props up a foot on the bottom ledge of his barstool. “It’s hard when the person judging seems to think that I can do better than everyone in this bar.”

“You're right,” Steve says before finishing off his beer and setting it down on the counter. “But maybe there’s someone here that’s just right for you. That wouldn’t just treat you to one night and leave.”

Eddie narrows his eyes and leans in closer. “And tell me, who do you have in mind to fill that role?”

Steve breathes out, “You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

Eddie’s mouth twists into a frown before he grabs Steve’s hand and practically yanks him off the stool, dragging him in the direction of the bathroom nearby.

“Wait,” Steve says before they make it to the door. “Let me just…” He turns and glances toward where Robin is, thanking their platonic soulmate connection for causing her to break the kiss she’s in the middle of and glance at Steve. Her brows furrow as she takes in the situation, but Steve shoots her a cautionary thumbs up which she enthusiastically returns before giving a cautionary okay? hand sign which Steve responds to quickly nodding before he turns back to Eddie. “Okay, we’re good now.”

“Sometimes I wonder if you’re long lost twins or something,” Eddie mutters as he pulls Steve to the bathroom and looks around before locking the door behind them. “Now what the hell was that back there?”

“I was checking in on Robin.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Eddie says, crossing his arms as he stalks into Steve’s space. “The staring and acting as if you’re about to murder anyone who comes into contact with me.”

Steve puts his hands on his hips. “Yeah, maybe I’m a little protective after you nearly fucking died.”

“No, that’s not what this is about,” Eddie huffs out. He runs a hand over his face and states, “We’ve never talked about it - what we’ve been through before all of the stuff with the Upside Down and all that other confidential bullshit. But now you start spewing poetry about people being right for me, and what, you imply that I’m supposed to think of you as that person? If you wanted that so bad then why didn’t you go out there and dance with me yourself?”

Steve lets the question sink in for a moment before he replies, “Because, after everything that we don’t talk about, I thought the last thing you would want is for me to be that person.”

“Then why are you pushing it now?”

Steve runs a hand through his hair and bursts out, “Because I want you to want me to be that person! And I want to be that person."

"And why should I believe that?" Eddie asks, stepping closer to him and Steve finds his back pressed into the wall. "After you told me that I meant nothing to you. That I was just your failed experiment because King Steve doesn't like boys. Do you really think I don't remember everything you said?"

"Do you think I don't remember everything I said, and maybe that I lied, and I've regretted my words since the second I said them to you? Do you think I enjoyed telling you it was stupid for you to think you ever meant anything to me?" Steve asks, leaning into Eddie's space, face scrunching up at the words he remembers saying all too well.

"Then why did you say all of it?" Eddie asks cocking his head to the side, eyes flashing briefly with something that looks like hope that he quickly covers up with anger.

Steve takes a deep breath and gently puts his hands on Eddie's shoulders as he explains, "Because I was scared. I was fucking terrified because I started falling for you, and I couldn't stop it. I woke up every damn morning thinking about you, and I felt like I wasn't okay until I saw you and got to talk to you. I just wanted things to be physical, but they were never that simple. And I was a fucking asshole who didn't know what to do. I just needed to end it somehow, and that was the only way I knew how. And I'm sorry, Eddie. I'm so fucking sorry." Steve feels tears sting at his eyes and he fights to not pinch at his nose. He needs Eddie to know how much he regrets everything.

Eddie stares at him for a few seconds in silence. His eyes search his, flicking back and forth between each eye before he slowly backs away and curses under his breath.

Steve squirms a bit under his gaze and finally sighs and asks, "What are we doing in here, Eds? Why did you bring me here?"

Eddie shakes his head and runs his hands over his face before pacing back and forth. "I don't know," he says quietly. "I don't know!" he practically yells before rambling on, "I know you've changed, and I know you're different. And for some reason, I just wanted to open old wounds and see if I could make you jealous or some shit. Wanted to make you see what you're missing out on, but I don't know!" Eddie sighs sharply and stops pacing to look directly at Steve. "I wanted to know if you felt the same," he says quietly before laughing humorlessly, "But I didn't realize how much old shit it would bring up. You did a fucking number on me, you know?"

Steve looks down at the ground and feels a tear slip down his cheek. "I know, Eddie. If I could go back and change things, I would in a heartbeat." And it's true. God, he wishes more than anything he could go back and change so many damn things. He wipes angrily at the next tear that escapes down his cheek, willing it to all stop.

"Steve," Eddie says gently.

Steve sighs and wipes at both of his eyes before glancing up at him. "Yes?"

"Do you mean it?" Eddie asks.

"Mean what exactly?"

Eddie steps closer and fidgets with his rings. "All of it."

Steve nods. "I'm pretty sure I was in love with you back then, and..." he takes a deep breath before admitting, "I'm pretty sure I still am now." He swallows and continues, "You coming back into my life was one of the best things to happen to me, and I wish it was under better circumstances but... I don't regret where we are now."

Eddie takes a few steps toward him before he pulls Steve into a hug and whispers, "I don't regret where we are now either."

Steve pulls Eddie in tighter, trying to hold onto him as if he never let him go. "I'm so sorry."

"I know, Steve," Eddie says, sounding a bit choked up. "You have no idea how much I missed you. I know we've talked and everything as if nothing happened, and I told you you've changed but... you also haven't." He pulls back and grabs Steve by the shoulders. "The guy I fell in love with is that same guy you are today. You were always good deep down, and god, by the end of everything you were so good to me. I nearly called you out on your bullshit when you broke things off, but instead, I spiraled and thought maybe it was all true."

"Nothing I said was true, but everything we had was real," Steve insists.

Eddie takes a deep breath and asks, "And everything we have now... is that real too?"

Steve nods and cups Eddie's face in his hands. "Yes, and I would do anything to be enough for you and make up for everything I should've done."

"Steve," Eddie says, looking at him questioningly, "Kiss me."

Although it's requested in a weird tone, Steve nonetheless leans in and kisses Eddie, trying to pour into the kiss all of his regret and hope as muscle memory kicks in and he carefully traces a thumb against his cheek, his show of gentle affection and genuine love.

The kiss breaks when Eddie smiles and lightly laughs. It's now Steve's turn to look at him questioningly.

"Sorry," Eddie says still smiling widely. "You used to do that thing with your thumb only when you would kiss me without trying to get into my pants."

Steve sighs and thuds his head against Eddie's shoulder. "I didn't even realize. Shit, I was such an asshole."

"You know, it wasn't entirely bad when you did get into my pants," Eddie flirts easily.

Steve laughs softly, feeling the comfortable atmosphere between them that they've recently built. He glances up and flirts back, "Oh, I remember."

Eddie smiles, showing off his dimples before staring at Steve for a few seconds as if considering him. “Should we really do this again?”

Steve grabs Eddie’s hand. “Only if you want to.“

Eddie huffs out a silent laugh. “I really want to.”

“Well that’s great because I do too,” Steve lightly jokes. “But it’ll be different this time, okay? No hiding. None of me being an asshole or trying to hide my feelings.”

“I like the sound of that,” Eddie says with a bright smile. “And I promise to call you out on your bullshit this time around, and I won’t doubt things.”

"I like the sound of that," Steve says with a wink.

There's a loud pounding sound on the bathroom door that startles Steve and Eddie away from each other. Eddie smiles sheepishly. "Should've chosen a different spot to talk."

"All my important conversations seem to happen in a bathroom," Steve replies with a shrug. He runs a hand through his hair and asks, "You ready?"

Eddie hesitates and replies, "I just need to do one thing." He rushes to Steve and cups his face, kissing him deeply before pulling away with a smile. "Okay, I'm good now."

Steve laughs and grabs his hand before unlocking and opening the door.

To both of their surprise, they find Robin on the other side. She looks at their faces then their intertwined hands and sighs in relief, "I thought you killed each other."

Eddie frowns. "You thought that first instead of thinking we were having a quickie?"

"One, gross," Robin says with a frown, "Two, if you guys were having a quickie, Steve wouldn't have checked in on me first."

"Hey-"

Robin holds her finger up at Steve. "Nope, we both know it's true, but it looks like you guys figured things out?"

Steve smiles and looks at Eddie. "I think we did."

"We definitely did," Eddie confirms with a cheesy grin.

"Thank god. Just a warning that the kids may have been taking bets on when you would finally get together," Robin says with a smile before leaning in and saying, "Give it another week and Max will win instead of Dustin."

Steve asks Eddie, "Are you okay with temporarily hiding things again?"

"To make sure Dustin doesn't win that bet? Hell yeah."

Steve squeezes his hand and says, "Maybe we can take a week to ourselves or something. I don't know if I'll be able to keep it a secret for that long."

Eddie's gaze softens as he squeezes Steve's hand back. "I like the sound of that."

In the end, Dustin nearly wins the bet when Steve finds himself unable to resist calling the kids to tell them the news, but Eddie is able to quickly intercept the call as he blasts his music and dances around to distract Steve. And when he says, "Come dance with me," Steve can only promise to call back Dustin later.

As Steve joins him, laughing as hard as he once did before, he can only wonder what would happen if someone told him four years ago that he would end up with Eddie Munson after all.

He thinks he would be a whole mix of emotions. But relieved is one of the main ones that comes to mind.

[manofmanymons]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Digimon Survive (Video Game) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Momozuka Takuma/Shinonome Kaito Characters: Momozuka Takuma, Shinonome Kaito Additional Tags: outsider pov, Established Relationship, Fluff without Plot, Kissing, Is This The First Time I've Actually Let Them Kiss I Think It Might Be, Takuma Competing For World's Most Embarrassing Boyfriend Summary:

Takuma desperately needed to get his eyes checked. That was the only explanation for his delusional descriptions of his boyfriend.

[zelda7999]

How are you doing today dear, anything interesting happen lately? Read any new stories or write any new ideas that make you happy?

Lost my tablet stylus about a week ago so I've been reading to destress while trying to find it. You and luce's stories and little drabbles have been keeping my spirits up while searching for it.

Hope you have a nice day dear, Take Care!

: )

Me: See's I got an anon ask via phone notifs Oh? I got an Anon...? Sus Also me: See's it's Agent Viper Less sus! Hi friend!!!

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!! I've been doing okay, the brain went brrr at a bad frequency for a couple hours, but now I am in a writing mood! I'm gonna work on getting some Found Family Loading written! :DD

Aaaaaaaaaaaand I don't think i've read anything new recently? At least not full fics. I've been indulging in Sleepy Cove content. Friends writing stories for their Agent sona's, drawing art for friends, vibing in calls n etc.

As for ideas that make me happy... Just been thinking about AU and Found Family Loading!! A lot of Agent sona's been made n etc!! :DD It's so much fun to fuck around in the Accidentally Undercover universe! Making our OC's interact, making different stories for them, shenanigans with friends! It's lovely! :DDD

I also am hoping that you find your stylus soon! DD: I hate losing shit kljsadhflksjhd especially my god damn stylus >:( How dare it get lost hmpf! I-- I also melt at you saying our stories and drabbles keep your spirits up ;w; awaaaa !!! <3 <3 <3 AGENT VIPERRRR YOU'RE SO GOOD <3 <3 <3

[awlumii]

how're y'all feelin'?

[illusioncanthurtme--art]

Physically? I am sitting in my bedroom. Mentally? Spiritually? I AM DEAD ON THE FLOOR!!!!! THESE TWO HAVE KILLED ME!!!!

(Another drawing! This was originally attempt #1 at drawing stan, and then fiddleford just showed up. Kinda feels like them five minutes after the above acting like nothing happened though, so it works sdjkgkjfshj)

[can-of-pringles]

Should I draw Arith today?

[uncanny-tranny]

I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.

I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:

Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)

Getting the décor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' décor section and I adore it)

Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often

Eat dessert first

Celebrate well, and often

Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)

Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.

Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate

Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)

Walk without having a specific destination or goal

Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.

I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.

[snarkspawn]

based ofc on this

[adjit]

I think we need to get more comfortable with the idea that sometimes shitty, racist, homophobic, bigoted people are still incredibly talented.

I feel like every time I see a post addressing someone’s shitty behavior the post also takes the time to mention that they’re not even good at [x] anyway. And that’s just not always true? Equating being good at a skill as being morally good is just not necessary. Someone can be a fantastic writer, can have a beautiful singing voice, can create breathtaking artwork, and still be a horrible person.

I know part of this is probably just the instinct to dislike everything about a person when you dislike them, but I also think this mindset leads to people defending creatives way past where they should, because if bad people create bad art, then if this person creates art that I like and resonates with me, then they can’t be a bad person!

And you know. That’s just not true. Those two things are simply completely unconnected and I think it’d be healthier if we all started disconnecting them in our heads.

[arr-jim-lad]

i cant even properly explain how it emotionally affects me when my cat comes up to me for cuddles. small creature walks up to me, a giant, in search of a gentle touch, because he trusts me completely. that is what love is. that is what the universe is built for. i want to cry

[anbaisai]

how it felt to wake up today

[bacchuschucklefuck]

typical tavern scene

[shadowtraveled]

"mithrun is the only real monsterfucker in dungeon meshi" is objectively the funniest bit you can get out of his everything, but in all seriousness i think his attraction to his love interest is deliberately overstated—and that makes sense, because romantic jealousy is a classic and digestible motive, which is explicitly what kabru was aiming for in condensing mithrun's backstory, and also because until chapter 94, mithrun wasn't willing to admit to the true nature of his desires.

but because romantic envy is both classic and digestible, it probably isn’t a unique enough or complicated enough desire to tempt a demon’s appetite. mithrun’s wish, as far as we can figure from kabru’s reduced retelling, was to have a life in which he had never become one of the canaries, and that carries like 3857 implications and desires within it. that’s delicious. his love interest acts as sort of a red herring to his motivation for making it, though. (side note: i'm saying "love interest" here because, keeping in mind that i barely speak japanese on a good day anymore, "想い人" is something i'd usually take as just kind of an old-fashioned and romantic way to refer to a lover, but in context i wonder if both the connotation of yearning and the vagueness are intentional, and i think this phrasing gets those aspects of it more effectively. anyway.)

mithrun considered his love interest to be untrustworthy. there was a minute where i thought that comment might be about a similar-looking elf (yugin, one of his squad members), but comparing the two…

the "sketchy" arrow is definitely referring to the elf we know as his love interest—the bangs go toward her right, she only has the one forehead ornament, and, most notably, her ears aren't notched.

every time she’s given a full-body depiction in his dungeon, she’s drawn as a chimera, with the body of a snake from the waist down. (side note: the “what if a dungeon has chimeras before reaching level 4?”/“then the dungeon lord is unstable” exchange just being mithrun grilling his past self alive is so funny. he’s so. but anyway) there are a couple things about this.

first, the snake part of the chimera appears to be modeled after some species of coral snake mimic

which, in the biology-for-fun manga, i… doubt is a coincidence, especially with the added context of the “untrustworthy” comment. the dungeon’s conjured illusion of mithrun’s love interest was a harmless copycat of a venomous original. for whatever reason, he felt this person was a threat and made up a "safe" version of her to be in a relationship with, and while it’s definitely possible to be attracted to or even love someone you find to be toxic and/or intimidating, when you take that into consideration alongside the configuration of her body, you get some interesting implications.

which brings us to our second point: if we assume that mithrun was not in fact fucking a snake, then sexual attraction, at least, was so far removed from his idea of a relationship with this person that he did not even bother to keep her dungeon copy human enough to maintain the illusion of the option of a sexual relationship. this is somewhat echoed in the depictions of their interactions, which also imply a frankly unexpected romantic distance. she kisses his cheek and he doesn't seem to react; she's at the edge of a narrow bed with only one set of pillows, on top of his blankets while he's underneath them.

the kiss is particularly interesting because it seems to contrast the text. kabru's narration tells us this was everything mithrun could have asked for, but mithrun is there looking unreadable to pensive, likely because this is right before the panel that makes it clear things in the dungeon are beginning to go wrong.

walking through this backwards for a minute, we have the physical barrier of his bedding and the spatial separation inherent in a bed made for one person, the emotional barrier of his mounting anxiety getting in the way of his ability to enjoy the affection he sought, and... the snake, which historically carries the connotation of temptation, yes, but also mistrust, barring physical intimacy. okay. ok. if a dungeon reflects the mentality of its lord, all of this might suggest that mithrun was not able to have any real desire for a relationship with this person. his unwillingness to be vulnerable or let another person in was insurmountable. but in that case, why was she such a focal point that she remained to the end, after his dungeon had stopped creating iterations of his friends to come and visit him? why would he get so upset over her meeting with his brother that he became lord of a dungeon about it?

well. mithrun's brother was also interested in her, probably genuinely. and mithrun had to win.

you have an older brother who your parents completely ignore, probably in part because he is chronically ill/disabled and almost definitely in part because he received a ton of recessive traits that resulted in rumors that he was an illegitimate child. you are aware, most likely because those same parents fucking told you, that you actually are an illegitimate child. but they keep you around because you had the good fortune of looking just like your mother. what can that possibly teach you but that you, like your brother, are disposable?

it's utterly unsurprising that mithrun, under these circumstances, developed a pathological need to be better than everyone around him. people don't keep you otherwise. i'd argue this is also why he says he looked down on everyone he knew while milsiril claims his dungeon reeked of feelings of inferiority—he sought out people's worst traits and prioritized them in his mind to protect his already extremely fragile sense of self-worth, and all the while he tried to be as likable and high-performing as he possibly could be. his parents disposed of him anyway, but even then he tried to keep up the performance. he was kind to everyone. he never once lost to a dungeon.

when he saw his "love interest" meeting up with his brother, what he saw was himself being replaced by a person his parents had always treated as worthless, and if that was what they thought of the child they'd kept, what value could anyone possibly see in the bastard they'd given away to die? mithrun and kabru tell the story like he wanted to win this unnamed elf's heart, but it was never about being with her. it was about cementing his worth, proving that he didn't deserve to be thrown away.

and so it's particularly cruel that his demon discarded him, too. but maybe it's also particularly gentle that, in the end, there was someone who refused to even consider giving up on him.

kui laid it out in three panels better than i could hope to.

yeah. it's love. you wanted to be loved, even when the only way you were able to understand it was through the desire to be wanted, and you wanted that so badly that the idea of being consumed felt like the promise of finally mattering to someone.

[lotus-pear]

learning to love

[chloesimaginationthings]

Michael and Vanny had wild teen years in FNAF

[watchingwisteria]

listen there really was just something about how in the book, snow’s 3-page descent from hesitant lover boy to deluded mfer happens entirely in his mind. lucy gray gives him no indication whatsoever that she suspects him, that she’s going to leave or betray him. he’s just sitting quietly in the cabin waiting for her to return when that seed of calculated suspicion, which he has needed to survive the capitol, takes a hold of him and chokes the life out of any goodness left inside him. it really drives home your terror as a reader that “oh my god did he kill her? did she escape? what happened to her? why would he even think that?” in a way that when the movie had to adjust for visualization it lost some of that holy shit this guy has lost it emphasis.