#i feel like im making this harder than it is in my head
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eren's eyes hung low, shifting in his spot on the couch while his hand was down his sweatpants, a lazy smile as his glossy eyes slid over your figure, his dick getting harder.
"you got money this time, or i have to spot you?" his words taking you out of the trance you were in, rolling your eyes and grabbing the wraps from the table.
"yeah, im taking these too." walking closer, shaking them in his face, a low laugh erupting from his throat, his eyes running back over your body and landing on your thighs.
his mouth salivating, the stuffy atmosphere and his thick throbbing not making the situation any better.
eren could feel it; it didn't help that his body was tingling all over, taking his other hand and rubbing his thigh, leaning his head back but his eyes never leaving yours.
it didn't take long for this to happen... it never did.
"mm, fuck right there, don't stop." your legs spread open and his head in between them, licking up every drop that came out of you like the hungry dog he was.
no one tasted as good as you, taking his dick out and stroking it, moaning into your dripping core. he could spend all day eating you out, but nothing suppressed his craving more than you being on top of him, bouncing like a bitch in heat.
pushing you on your back and pushing your thighs against your chest, pounding into you.
"fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." losing himself, it felt like you were one together; he didn't realize how long he was waiting for you until he was buried deep in your pretty pussy.
his eyes switching every few seconds from your eyes to your pussy, watching himself slide in and out of you, the low light shining on the wetness on his dick.
the first time he found himself fucking you, he was irritated, thinking this was your way of getting out of paying, but the realization set in quickly once he put the blunt between his lips, and the only thing he could think of was you.
"come sit on my dick; you don't have to worry about paying anymore." he was fucking addicted but would never admit it.
teasing you every time you would drop by, knowing that you would be leaving his house with more than what you wanted and without spending a penny.
finding yourself on his dick, frantically going up and down. his hand gripping your ass and rubbing over your sides, your head dropping to your shoulder and his lips kissing your neck.
"keep fucking me like this, and i'll get you..." losing his breath, restraining himself from closing his eyes so he could keep looking at you, your eyes always looked so pretty; how could he resist?
"bye, fucker." stuffing the things in your pocket, eren flopping down on the couch, sliding his hand back down his pants.
a bit of disappointment settling in his stomach at your words, but a smirk playing on his lips when he knows you'll be back.
"yeah... bye."
#aot x y/n#aot x reader#aot x you#attack on titan#attack on titan x reader#attack on titan smut#eren aot#x reader#aot fanfiction#aot eren#eren jeager#eren x reader#eren jaeger#eren yeager#eren x y/n#jeager eren x reader#eren x you#afab reader#eren jeager x reader
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actually i'm still thinking about the moral orel finale.
he has a cross on his wall. do you know how much i think about that bc it's a lot.
a lot of stories ((auto)biographical or fictional) centering escape from abusive/fundamentalist christianity result in the lead characters leaving behind christianity entirely. and that makes complete sense! people often grow disillusioned with the associated systems and beliefs, and when it was something used to hurt them or something so inseparable from their abuse that they can't engage with it without hurting, it makes total sense that they would disengage entirely. and sometimes they just figure out that they don't really believe in god/a christian god/etc. a healthy deconstruction process can sometimes look like becoming an atheist or converting to another religion. it's all case by case. (note: i'm sure this happens with other religions as well, i'm just most familiar with christian versions of this phenomenon).
but in orel's case, his faith was one of the few things that actually brought him comfort and joy. he loved god, y'know? genuinely. and he felt loved by god and supported by him when he had no one else. and the abuses he faced were in how the people in his life twisted religion to control others, to run away from themselves, to shield them from others, etc. and often, orel's conflicts with how they acted out christianity come as a direct result of his purer understanding of god/jesus/whatever ("aren't we supposed to be like this/do that?" met with an adult's excuse for their own behavior or the fastest way they could think of to get orel to leave them alone (i.e. orel saying i thought we weren't supposed to lie? and clay saying uhhh it doesn't count if you're lying to yourself)). the little guy played catch with god instead of his dad, like.. his faith was real, and his love was real. and i think it's a good choice to have orel maintain something that was so important to him and such a grounding, comforting force in the midst of. All That Stuff Moralton Was Up To/Put Him Through. being all about jesus was not the problem, in orel's case.
and i know i'm mostly assuming that orel ended up in a healthier, less rigid version of christianity, but i feel like that's something that was hinted at a lot through the series, that that's the direction he'd go. when he meditates during the prayer bee and accepts stephanie's different way to communicate, incorporating elements of buddhism into his faith; when he has his I AM A CHURCH breakdown (removing himself from the institution and realizing he can be like,, the center of his own faith? taking a more individualistic approach? but Truly Going Through It at the same time), his acceptance (...sometimes) of those who are different from him and condemned by the adults of moralton (stephanie (lesbian icon stephanie my beloved), christina (who's like. just a slightly different form of fundie protestant from him), dr chosenberg (the jewish doctor from otherton in holy visage)). his track record on this isn't perfect, but it gets better as orel starts maturing and picking up on what an absolute shitfest moralton is. it's all ways of questioning the things he's been taught, and it makes sense that it would lead to a bigger questioning as he puts those pieces together more. anyway i think part of his growth is weeding out all the lost commandments of his upbringing and focusing on what faith means to him, and what he thinks it should mean. how he wants to see the world and how he wants to treat people and what he thinks is okay and right, and looking to religion for guidance in that, not as like. a way to justify hurting those he's afraid or resentful of, as his role models did.
he's coming to his own conclusions rather than obediently, unquestioningly taking in what others say. but he's still listening to pick out the parts that make sense to him. (edit/note: and it's his compassion and his faith that are the primary motivations for this questioning and revisal process, both of individual cases and, eventually, the final boss that is christianity.) it makes perfect sense as the conclusion to his character arc and it fits the overall approach of the show far better. it's good is what i'm saying.
and i think it's important to show that kind of ending, because that's a pretty common and equally valid result of deconstruction. and i think it cements the show's treatment of christianity as something that's often (and maybe even easily) exploited, but not something inherently bad. something that can be very positive, even. guys he even has a dog he's not afraid of loving anymore. he's not afraid of loving anyone more than jesus and i don't think it's because he loves this dog less than bartholomew (though he was probably far more desperate for healthy affection and companionship when he was younger). i think it's because he figures god would want him to love that dog. he's choosing to believe that god would want him to love and to be happy and to be kind. he's not afraid of loving in the wrong way do you know how cool that is he's taking back control he's taking back something he loves from his abusers im so normal
#i had a really big fundie snark phase a year or two ago so that's part of like. this. but im still not used to actually talking about#religious stuff so if it reads kinda awkwardly uhh forgive me orz idk#maybe it sounds dumb but i like that the message isn't 'religion is evil'. it easily could have been. but i think the show's points about#how fundie wasp culture in particular treats christianity and itself and others would be less poignant if they were like. and jesus sucks#btw >:] like. this feels more nuanced to me. i guess there's probably a way to maintain that nuance with an ultimately anti-christian#piece of media but i think it'd be like. wayy harder and it's difficult for me to imagine that bc i think a lot of it would bleed out into#the tone. + why focus on only These christians when They're All also bad? so you'd get jokes about them in general#and i think that's kinda less funny than orel and doughy screaming and running from catholics lsdkjfldksj#i think the specificity makes it more unique and compelling as comedy and as commentary. but that's just me#like moralton represents a very particular kind of christian community (namely a middle class fundie wasp nest)#you're not gonna be able to get in the weeds as much if you're laughing at/criticizing all christians. but they accomplish it so thoroughly#and WELL in morel and i think that's because it chose a smaller target it can get to dissect more intimately. anyway#moral orel#orel puppington#(OH also when i say wasp here i mean WASP the acronym. as in white anglo-saxon protestsant. in case the term's new to anyone <3)#maybe it's also relevant to say that i'm kindaaaaaaaa loosely vaguely nonspecifically christian. so there's my bias revealed#i was never raised like orel but i like to think i get some of what's going on in there y'know. in that big autistic head of his#but it's not like i can't handle anti-christian/anti-religious media/takes. i'm a big boy and also i v much get why it's out there yknow#christianity in specific has a lot of blood on its hands from its own members and from outsiders and people have a right to hate it for tha#but religion in all its forms can be positive and i appreciate the nuance. like i've said around 20 times. yeah :) <3#(<- fighting for my life to explain things even though my one job is to be the explainer)
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not pitting sincaraz against each other just pointing out an objective truth that jannik was not a dominate player/potential grand slam winner last season (age 21/22) and carlos will finish this season semi-dominant and with two more grand slams (+ an olympic medal) (age 20/21). you can see how quickly a player's career can turn around within one season. so any talk about carlos being washed/playing badly sounds silly to me i can't lie. yes carlos wasn't as successful this year as last year. yes carlos wasn't as successful this year as jannik. last year jannik's highlights were throwing up in a trash can and beating djoko in davis cup (exaggerating.) so i really feel like carlos's struggles this season are slightly overinflated. we talk about "he has time he has time" let's be clear not only does he have time in his career (he is literally 21) he also has time on his closest current rival (age-wise, carlos's 2024 season is jannik's 2022 season). it will be two years before carlos is even the same age as jannik is now. so like. lets be chill here u know.
#carlos is a wonderkid! a starboy! he's also just a kid and a boy#i feel like people talk about him having time in his career so often and its true but it also always makes me think like#he's already so far ahead for his age#he's been going through rough patches but in truth i still consider him more successful than jannik#'better player' <- different discussion#but more successful in my mind#i think people just see jannik's dominance this year and assume that's where carlos should be because he's already gotten so much success#and they forget that carlos is still in the infancy of his career#an infancy that i think jannik has only *just* grown out of in a purely temporal sense#i do think the next two or three seasons will determine a lot about both of their careers#but for carlos i think it has much more to do with moderation than performance#i.e. can he put his head down and focus more on improving his game than on bare results#if he listens to the way fans squawk about his 'poor performance' im worried he'll just keep trying harder#that he'll play more events that he'll be less cautious/strategic etc#my biggest fear is him breaking his body or mind before age 25#but i think as long as he gets through the next few seasons without giving in too much to the pressure of winning every slam/tournament....#he'll be okay guys. he really will
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God, this is fucking crazy
So i only have 3 more classes to take, but it'll cost the same to take 3 classes as 4 classes. So I've been thinking about taking a 4th class just for the hell of it. Something fun and/or easy.
Out of curiosity, I looked up orchestras. I was in it in my first year, but I haven't consistently played since 2016. But I still dream about being in an orchestra again. I *miss it*. So I was like. Well, what if *that* was my 4th class next semester? What If?
I looked it up. This week is the last week they're doing auditions for it. There was only one more spot free after today. And that's *tomorrow evening*.
I haven't really played my violin much in YEARS. I'm so out of practice. But apparently they don't reject anyone outright. Auditions are just for placement. So worst case scenario, I get placed in an orchestra at a lower skill level than I was at my prime. It'd still be an orchestra.
It's crazy short notice, but I don't think I'd forgive myself if I passed it up. Bc I have just one more semester before I graduate. One last opportunity to be in a school orchestra. And if I didn't do this, I'd be left with that What If forever.
So. Crazy short notice, but I have a violin audition tomorrow!!! Hahahaha
#speculation nation#im literally shaking with nerves rn but i want this so so so badly#i remember. how to play. my arms are just so much stiffer than they used to be. and my nails. man im gonna have to trim my fucking nails#at least my left hand. kinda sucks bc i like the polish i have on rn but u cant have any long nail at all for violin.#i need to play two scales of my choosing. ascending and descending in three octaves.#recommended for violin is A C or E-flat major. of course i know A and C but i'd have to look up E-flat. never did much with flats in school#then again i have that One Two Three and a Half rhythm Down. thats how id often warm myself up.#start with the base G string and just do a scale up and down (one octave). go up to the next note. do it again.#again and again until i started running out of room on the E string. & if i was Real motivated maybe id start shifting to continue.#so all id need to do is find the E flat and id be good. it all follows the same pattern.#the harder challenge will be the solo or etude. 2-3 minutes in length. only *one day* to prepare.#i have NO IDEA what id even play. i'll look in my old sheet music to see if theres anything that might work#simple enough for me to relearn on such short notice. and interesting enough to be played solo#(since i was always in orchestras it's not always the best for solo playing. tho i was also first violin section a lot#which is Basically the same as playing solo lmaooo)#if i cant find anything i do have a few sheet music books i could look in. id hate to play smth too simple#but better simple and Right than trying to do something above my current skill level.#which IRKS ME bc once upon a time i was the 4th best violinist in my high school. out of nearly 2k students.#but thats what happens when u go years without consistent practice :p ur arm gets Stiff.#im. still nervous but also thinking about the music is making me EXCITED.#it's going to be a wild time prepping for this thing but itll be over in like 5 mins and i dont even have to worry about Passing#so long as i *do it* i should get into something. i just need to push myself. do it. get out there. *play your violin*#i already cried in a public bathroom for 10 mins today and im feeling emotional Again.#not quite crying emotional tho thankfully. just. i feel like i need to climb onto a rooftop and SCREAM!!!! but like in a good way.#so so so nervous but itll be so so so worth it. i could be in an orchestra again. finally. finally finally finally.#and i STILL NEED TO FINISH THIS ASSIGNMENT.....!!!! hfkahfks today has been. a DAY.#just. keeps going through my head. i could be in an orchestra again. i could be in an orchestra again. at least one more time.
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when i was younger this whole ''no romantic or sexual experience" thing made me feel deeply unlovable and it still does but in a different way. now i've somehow convinced myself that i'm not supposed to desire anyone like that. like it's not meant for me. it's me who can't love now. not other people.
#feeling emo#no but i'm literally the problem cause it's not like i'm trying to ''put myself out there''#but it's too scary and i don't want to and i'm not ready and there's no time and i like the routine of being alone#i've had crushes before and they were strong and lasted honestly too long for being crushes#but that's too far away from now#and i always looked at myself as the girl who won't get the boy#the crush was always unrequited#i was okay with only looking cause it's not like there's anything other than that for a girl like me#living life in a larger body is truly not a kind experience#there's so many other things that made relationship and love scary for me but being fat is the biggest reason for not even trying#and they you talk to your skinny friends and hear their experience with men and it's so awful for the most part#and then you think well if they treat them that way how would i be treated#i just don't want to be hurt#or hurt someone else#i'm used to at looking at love from a distance and i'll live anyway#some days it just harder than others#like the hard part is that i feel like im doing something wrong#like im living life wrong like i shouldn't be this uncomfortable and scared#so often it happens that i just can't relate to other people my age#like im too serious and in my head to be fun and get drunk at parties#and to serious and in my head to be in love and be loved and be seen#they all have this more casual stance on romance and they'll make out with people in the dorm bathrooms but i can't do that#and i don't want to either#i'm slow and boring and it would probably take six months to prepare myself for a kiss#it all seems so big to me#lovely feeling we're having tonight#personal
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i like the idea of writing fic but i feel i am better at writing nonfiction in comparison to fiction bc i can write a couple thousand word essay easy peasy but the fic i've been working on since october last year is only at 1700 words lmaooo
#i have a hard time w fiction my brain just doesnt like coming up w things. or well i can come up w things and i can like#them and try to write them but i cant get it on paper well and i feel like i have a harder time latching onto fiction than nonfiction#i want to be able to but i feel like there's some sort of block in my head i cant even imagine scenes in my head very well bc i get#distracted by literally anything else rip#i would like to be able to write fiction but i fear my creative abilities begin and end with drawing#idk i feel like there's this block in my head when i try to do another kind of art like i have such a hard time painting bc i dont like#understand it or maybe im seeing it as smth more different from drawing than it is and i have a hard time writing and i have a hard time#with sculpting idk i feel like i was made for drawing and smth abt the way i go about things is making it hard to do other arts#idk whatever i'm just thinkin abt things
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I kinda hate how I have to choose between numbing my desire to be vulnerable and honest vs letting that desire and vulnerability bloom
#numbing my desire is safe. it is harder to get hurt that way. i can avoid the things im afraid of doing so#i can convince myself i like numbing my desire#that i am fine with it#and in many cases i... kinda am. the pain if that is less than the pain that i experienced when i followed what the other led me to#but on the other hand#my wounds have healed enough where most mornings i wake up with that desire thrumming through me#i feel safe at our new place its a place where i can heal#where i can hope instead of just surviving#and !! thats really nice its a feeling that makes me warm and happy and like the young vulnerable and full of love girl that i used to be#just letting that desire bloom is a scary prospect#i have to contend with the many neuroses ive gotten since then#have to navigate through the scars that wrack my emotional body knowing that i will open some#and all thats easier said than done#ive been ping ponging between two extremes and waugh its odd its weird my head gets strange when its like thattt#i just wanna feel okay enough to desire without being paralyzed by fear but its a long roadd :(
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it could be because I've been obsessed with zolu for over half of my life but every time I reread op I'm always like I'm gonna focus on all zoro and luffy's relationships, not just the zoro-and-luffy one! and then I start rereading !!! and I'm !!! right back !!! on my zolu bullshit !!!!!!
#i think i do see it through a zolu lense#i don't want to say I'm being objective about this because I'm most probably not being objective at all#not in the sense that I make the zolu scenes bigger than what they are but in the sense that i notice them above all others#so I'm like#it's always them!! the focus on their relationship is insanely off the charts!!!!#but then maybe it's just MY focus on their relationship that's off the charts#it COULD be#.......#im in alabasta right now and i just had back to back zoro threatening smoker when he's got luffy then saving smoker bc luffy told him so#then being worried sick about luffy staying behind with crocodile but still going forward cause luffy told him to#im going through it okay I'm TRULY going through it#what truly sends me is that it's not like zoro's reactions are bigger than the others but oda always starts from him???#*bangs head against wall*#and the way luffy always turns to him first..........#*bangs head against the wall harder*#there's something about them#(that something is the devotion)#i act like it's my first time reading op every single time i read it#it feels silly but then i think about how luffy is always zoro's first priority since the day he met him#and then I'm too busy crying to worry about being silly
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I think it's interesting how it took me finding someone I'm fully comfortable around to notice what I'm not comfortable with. It makes sense when I think about it because no one else ever let me have boundaries so I thought I just didn't have them. But now I know I don't really like being touched, even when I'm close with someone. I don't like being tickled or being held in certain ways and I don't usually like to be naked or get dressed/undressed in front of anyone. And I finally feel like no one's demanding me to act like I'm comfortable with things I'm not anymore. It's really nice, I hope everyone gets to feel like this someday
#im glad i figured this out because i can see when i look back at my younger self where i was headed before#and it was a place where i demanded of others the same things that were demanded of me because i had no awareness of it#i still have problems with setting my own boundaries but understanding others is a lot easier now#im glad i still for the most part respected other peoples boundaries when i was younger. even if i pushed harder than i should have#its especially a problem when i go to doctors but theres not much i can do :(#i can say no to testing or treatment that makes me uncomfortable but i need it#i kinda just freeze up at the doctors and its actually really scary. it feels almost like im hypnotized or just extremely impressionable#idk how to explain it because i don't know why it happens. its just confusing and feels gross and scary#thats one of the reasons i really dont like going to the doctors alone
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and also paramors tickrts
#i know taylor has afterpay so more thsn likely oll use that if paramore doesnt have that option#bc some tickets dont 😭😭#parx for brisbane didnt and now im going to sydney for tbat 👩🦯#but i have a good feeling abt both if these and ill still have $75 in my savings#like genuinely the fact that in doing p well w my money is good#i have $50 cash that i took out and will either spend on yobacco or weed deoending on how i am w both of those towards the end of the week#bc realisticslly all i gotta dl is make it to next wednesday#which ive somehow convinced myself is closer than i think#and ive got $290 still#but $250 of that iz for fucking concert tickeys honestly 😭😭#anyway. wooo#i even managed to buy my own food this week#and so far so good w that#ive got some of a meal pla in my head on how im gonna Make It tbe rest od the week without eating anytging my dads bought#which is harder thsn i ghought bc i forget what i bought w my money sometimes but#woooooo.#i feel vvv optimistic abt this all in all#despite my impuslive spending i do pretty well with money whrn my heads screwed on right and i feel Okay mentally#anyway !!!!!!
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when you wanna play a paladin but you are only capable of making twinks apparently :) well....give that twink a sword i guess
#i rlly wanna know what it looks like to all my followers how many dnd characters i make....#i must seem insane#this is for a one shot pls dont invite me to an intervention i swear im normal#i can only play hot women. twinks. and ppl who will not explain their gender to you unless you press a gun to their head#im making this post instead of making the character uwu#hmmmm i feel like i can either use this to test a character build for another group OR i can revive an old one thats retired 🤔#hmmmm ive never made a high lvl character i feel like its so much harder rp wise than a lvl1 for me#like.....they should have accomplishments?????? how do you get those???????
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#told my roommate ive been depressed this weekend and she kindly offered to watch a movie but i knew shed be too tired and need to cancel#bc of the clocks changing and its ok i know how tired she gets i was the one to suggest it was okay if she cant + it was still a nice idea#but now im alone for the evening again ive been alone all weekend and weekends are the hardest for me and i thought i was feeling a little#better but im not and theres nothing to stop me from harming which is okay i keep it safe and its always a choice i make to do it or not#not anyone elses responsibility but i didnt want.to be alone tonight thats all. and offering something she knows she cant fulfil makes me#feel rejected too and i also wanted to talk abt some of her behaviour that upsets me sometimes but gently bc i dont want it to seem like#im blaming her bc its not her fault im so bad at communicating and neurotic and weird abt shit that doesnt even make sense#but its been bothering me for a really long time and it comes up again every time we meet with other people and i get really upset over it#and im the one that keeps putting off talking about it but its so hard when its been gping on so long and i find it so hard to express#anything and communicate especiallt when its shit like this but im so so so so tired of sitting on it i just want it resolved one way or#another and now i wont see her for a few days bc of this family trip and itll be on my mind the whole time and the thought is making me#feel insane already ive wasted so many hours and hours being upset by her and not being able to talk abt it i need it to stop its not even#that big a deal.it just is to me. and i dont know how to say anythign ever#and she wants to make plans with friends next weekend which feels like hoisting an anvil above my head bc if i dont go i risk having a#rejection sensitive episode bc im vulnerable rn and this is exactly what happened over the summer and it took me months to recover from but#if i do go ill get upset bc ill feel unwanted there and ill be dealing with the same issue that comes up every fucking time and either way#ill end up harming in response to it bc i cant handle how intense my emotions are and i dont have any better outlets right now#for these specific feelings and i dont want to do that i want to be a normal fucking human being who doesnt lock themself in a#stupid fucking iron maiden style repression over completely innocuous shit that no one would even know im reacting this way to#i cant do it i cant do thjs anymore i cant i want it to stop im so tired and it hurts so so much feeling so much like this#they should make a mind for me that is capable of not inflicting distress this intense on itself i need to explode#actually. maybe since i wont see her for a couple days i can write a long discord message about it instead. i know its a shitty way to#deliver information but maybe it would be easier that way rather than trying to summon the courage to say anything in person when im#usually actively upset abt it at the time and my immediate response to getting upset is to shut down and not express which doesnt help#and its so stupid but i need it to not be like this i cant keep living with her and getting so upset so regularly it has to stop now#ill think about itand maybe draft it. and then i can decide. but right now i need to eat. and pack. and then cut sorry. but its ok#ughhhhfdhf. please let this week be better ill try harder ill say something i have to im the one inflicting this on myself by not talking#about it!!!!!!!!! so. man and i think my dinner is cold now too. oh well#.vent#tw self harm
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welp ive never wanted to hit my head against the wall and fall to my knees sobbing as much as i do now
#i feel like complete shit right now#im fucking trying#im trying so fucking hard#i really just need help#idfk how normal people can do this shit#people seem to think that i dont care about anything other than myself and what i want to do but thats not the truth#they think that i need consequences for my actions but my brain is already giving me consequences that i cant handle#they think i just sit around and do whatever i want when i really dont#i sit there and all the voices of the people who hurt me come back and tell me horrible things that i cant help but believe#and the worst part is that a lot of the voices are my own#if the people who keep telling me to try harder could just experience this for a day they would realize#fuck this i need to express my feelings in some way but if i do then i am once again being a selfish good for nothing piece of shit#and thats only half of the shit thats going through my head#maybe not even half#maybe everybody was right maybe i am a selfish prick#maybe i am destined to be a high school dropout that kills themself by the time they turn 20#but i dont want to be that#the truth is i found reasons to live but people keep making me feel like my reasons to live make me useless and being useless is worse than#being a burden...because if youre a burden people can inflate their own egos by helping you...but if youre useless youre a waste of space
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look i love making sae be the one who's so in love and showering hajun with so much love and affection but it's much more fun to think that HE fell harder than her
#it's the she fell first he fell harder thing. gooodd hjs have such common dynamic the frustrating and infuriating type#like look at first she have a crush on him right but as a model. that girl is literally a moth she gets attracted by those with light#though at first she admires him as a model and knew him through toma- her kamioshi. though i think... she just starts admiring him a lot?#she literally went through a 'highschool crush' phase but late since she was like. at college 😭#observed him... wow he's a lot similar to her than she thought. that guy puts up a smile in front of strangers and keep people at a distanc#he looked... strangely alone. why? even though he have friends too. she saw herself in hajun and... didnt want to be like him#will she keep putting up a face too? will she keep lying to herself? and would that make her alone in the end as well? she didnt want that.#so shes like yknow what? let's be shameless. her friends had been so loving of her unconditionally.#she thought that they'll leave after highschool and yet... and yet they stayed. they keep approaching her.#and come to think of it... they're always the ones giving effort for her right? when it comes to planning for hang outs-#they're always the one to reach out. never her. shouldnt she return the favor then? love them as much as they love her#pour all her heart out. she used to do it- she can do it again. love people unconditionally without expecting anything from them.#surely this time it'd be different. surely it wont drain her. even if there's a chance they'll leave her- it doesnt matter now.#she knows she gave her everything and that's enough for her. maybe she'll feel better if she had realized this when she was a child...#but that's okay now! so for now! lesson learned: dont be hajun#but also sae. just have a different view of hajun in her head 😭??? like she admits she didnt really know hajun before but actually meeting#him must be so complicated for her lol like this guy used to be her crush! and she got to talk to him but holy shit he's lowkey an asshole😭#not even lowkey but he really is a bitch lmfaaooo so like. damn 'i forgot i used to have a crush on this guy like i used to like him???'#'in what way??? (his looks dont even deny it sweetie)' i think her crush on him in the past made her more snappy towards him now lmfao#like 'gooooddd i used to have a crush on THIS GUY??? that's making me piiisseedd' LMAAAOOO 😭😭#i genuinely have NOOOOO idea how they started having this dynamic but it's just. them lowkey insulting each other? not really INSULT insult#but rather bickering masked by politeness? like 💢^^) (^^💢 selfish ohime-sama vs black hearted prince#but the one who's usually losing here would be sae ngl and hajun's mostly the one being playful tho tbf they CAN calmly talk to each other#sometimes they just become competitive? sae herself is a competitive one at first it would be 'oho~ let's see how long he can keep this up~#to 'give up already!!!! my social battery isn't gonna last long!!!!!!!!' and hajun's just watching her lose it every time 😭😭#ah.... my absolutely pathetic daughter im so sorry..... when it comes to him she gets unreasonably annoyed. just who does he think he is?#and yet she can't even feel arrogant around him. she knows bae are on a different league than her. that's why despite being very friendly a#expressing her admiration towards them she still puts up a barrier around them? it's not that deep she have her own close friends#yumeshipping — hajusae [prri]
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genuinely it is difficult having cultivated the like. taste in fiction that i have now that i am in a place where i'm trying to talk to people more and make friends and so on and so forth and this is the field i'm having to play on with them. i don't think anyone has to be critic-brained (i do think its good to recognize that media is Authored and to look at things with both eyes open but some people simply enjoy things in other ways and i may get irritated by that but i don't suppose its Wrong) and i have in fact met people who Will meet me in that field but it doesnt change that the field i like to play in is much different and no one is expected to meet me there in the same way i am expected to play ball with marvel fans
#i find criticism and critique allows me a way into that field actually because i do not care for marvel#but if i try to pick it apart and see what its doing i can at least Converse with people about something#but its like. idk. thats an effort i make to talk to people and i dont find people do the same thing for me#and i dont really feel like its fair for me to ask either. in some ways that is me being silly and embarrassed and shy and all that#but in other ways its like well im not going to tell the most normal people i know to read flower that bloomed nowhere with me.#it gives people the impression that i live under a rock! i dont think i live under a rock i know about lots of stuff#its just different stuff and i dont usually talk without prompting and i find it hard to talk about something#if i think the other person wont know about it and ill have to explain it to them and hope maybe they look into it#i have looked into things for other people. i don't find people usually do that for me#there are even situations USUALLY with my mother if im being honest where she will take recommendations seriously#from genuinely everyone BUT me even watching things she'd normally never touch and its like Okay .#...#ive been having a hard week. its probably going to get harder as well (i go back to work tomorrow and i wasted my time off#being in pain and miserable and not being a presence in my own life)#and there is something about showing up to work with worse sh scars than usual and belt bruises on my neck#keeping my head down and not saying anything and having no one say anything to me at all that makes me feel. i dont know#how to word it. had a little breakdown alone in my* room yesterday and found myself sobbing 'help me' a lot#and maybe thats the root of it. i dont feel like people try for me the way i have been trying and it makes me feel like i am not worth#making the effort for. and i also dont know how to express this or ask for help without looking like a brat </3 so#anyway. ignore all that please thats embarrassing.
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ACTION DRAWING IS SO FUN BUT GOD HELP ME FINDING REFERENCES AND FIGURING OUT POSES IS HELL
#MOVEMENT!!!! LINES!!!! IT SCRATCHES A VERY SPECIFIC ITCH IN MY BRAIN#im currently drawing ocs in action poses and it is so fun but in hindsight doing it as THE FIRST TIME DRAWING TJEM. WHEN IM NOT ISED TO DOIN#WHEN IM NOT USED TO PROPER FIGURE DRAWING STILL#was maybe making it a little harder than it had to be!#im brute forcing it well enough and learning stupid amounts but this has been a struggle#balancing coming up with a coherent design that fits what I have in my head#while getting the right body language + expression which turns out I have fairly high standards for#AND making the pose look at all good#hard!!! I’m having so much fun#genuinely this kinda drawing scratches the I gotta move feeling when I can’t properly do stuff. acceptable replacement for hockey rn#which is messed up actually why does my brain work like that#drawing is so hard especially when I don’t have it in me to dig for references#okay enough posting I gotta keep drawing or my insides are gonna burn up#luke.txt
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