#i have to contend with the many neuroses ive gotten since then
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I kinda hate how I have to choose between numbing my desire to be vulnerable and honest vs letting that desire and vulnerability bloom
#numbing my desire is safe. it is harder to get hurt that way. i can avoid the things im afraid of doing so#i can convince myself i like numbing my desire#that i am fine with it#and in many cases i... kinda am. the pain if that is less than the pain that i experienced when i followed what the other led me to#but on the other hand#my wounds have healed enough where most mornings i wake up with that desire thrumming through me#i feel safe at our new place its a place where i can heal#where i can hope instead of just surviving#and !! thats really nice its a feeling that makes me warm and happy and like the young vulnerable and full of love girl that i used to be#just letting that desire bloom is a scary prospect#i have to contend with the many neuroses ive gotten since then#have to navigate through the scars that wrack my emotional body knowing that i will open some#and all thats easier said than done#ive been ping ponging between two extremes and waugh its odd its weird my head gets strange when its like thattt#i just wanna feel okay enough to desire without being paralyzed by fear but its a long roadd :(
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