#i feel like i've not even done enough to be considered a better parental figure to him galf the time

[zipquips]

my brother got into a fight with my mom so he called me up to vent and stuff and he told me that half the time i'm more of a mom to him than our actual mom is and i am so devastated and keep crying

like i did intentionally step up to fill in as a parental figure for him when i noticed our parents were dropping the ball. but i was never going to tell him. i would've done everything the same had our parents been better. i would literally do anything for my brother

i just thought that my parents' shortcomings weren't that noticeable to him. i didn't think it was so obvious and i'm so upset that it was because now my brother thinks he's fucked up from our childhood and literally typing those words makes me cry bc he's not and i'm so angry at my parents and so distraught that i can't step in and fix this and make everything okay for him

[starfishlikestoread]

@mouseinamushroomhouse you asked me for a Simon Illyan playlist nearly a year ago, and I'm proud to report it is finally done! I hope you and anyone else who listens to it enjoys!! :)

(shoutout to @cookie-nom-nom for suggesting the song Time Machine and @trelldraws for the McCartney and National recs, as well as putting up with me randomly sending various songs and helping figure out which ones fit and didn't. More musings about the process & specifics under the cut!)

With this playlist I really focused on keeping the length down, since I wanted every song to count and ideally keep the whole thing around an hour in length. This resulted in a lot of songs that kind-of-but-not-really fit Simon having to get cut, which was painful but made the fanmix better in the end, and part of the reason why this whole thing took so long, hah. I did however save them all in a separate playlist, so if after listening to the main one y'all want to see what didn't make the cut, feel free to listen here (do know it's not in anything resembling order, though).

With that said, it was a conscious decision to devote 3 whole songs to the chip breakdown, because I feel like while objectively it didn't take up 18% of his life, subjectively in the moment I think it probably felt that way for him.

The first and last songs really serve as bookends to the playlist for me. With the first not even fully a song, rather a spoken word 3rd POV narrative about a robot and last one literally named 'Simon', it felt right thematically about how he sees himself. I'm not sure if we get any explicit musings about the chip from him in that light in canon, but Tej's line about his "super-humanity ... or super-inhumanity" stood out to me in that regard. Especially since it's all but said that he didn't have much of a say in getting it installed in the first place, did he ever feel like the robot people considered him to be? And how did that change?

At the same time, there's so much more to Simon than just his chip, and I hope that shows through the songs I picked as well (if you look at the dates added, you can see I only found 'Until It Kills' yesterday, and that finally completed the playlist for me). I wish I'd found a song that managed to convey him & Miles as a team specifically, but that proved surprisingly difficult as so many songs of that nature seem to be written with a direct parent-child relationship in mind. Still, I'll add it if I ever find it.

ALSO, so damn hard to find songs with spy-related lyrics, I've used so many different search terms and engines and still nearly every result is instrumental music or about a specific incident. I think I have enough in here that it works, and I'm sure those songs exist somewhere, but the internet in all its glory did not choose to reveal them to me (if you know any I'd love to have a listen, I probably won't be adding them to this playlist however as I really just want to be done with this mini-project asdfghjkl).

Edit: aa I forgot to say the one specific thing I wanted to, which is how the line "play dirty" in the song with the same name for me really links back to Galeni's line in Memory: "Damn but Illyan fights dirty when he fights" <3 that's my guy,,

And as said in the description of the playlist, first few songs are very much inspired by the fic Aral Vorkosigan's Dog by Philomytha (since it might as well be canon for me).

And finally, for fun, my top 5 favourite lines that just feel so Simon Illyan to me out of every song in the playlist:

"But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home / Sitting all alone inside your head" - Through Glass by Stone Sour "With the hands of time around my neck" - Hourglass by Motionless In White "Nano-electrodes pulse the thrum / One note to beat my heart, beat my heart, like a drum" - Yes I Know by The Pack a.d. "I testify if I die in my sleep" - Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea by Fall Out Boy "Keep them safe inside your home / If it kills you" - Until It Kills by Midtown

If you've read this far, thank you, and do let me know what you think of the playlist and if there are any songs/lines that stood out to you, I'd love to know <3

[pkmnomegaverse]

not sure if you've been asked this yet but my interest has recently been piqued. what are steven and wallace's (separate) thoughts abt micah getting so much romantic attention through his life and do their opinions ever cause any problems down the line for him?

Che, you always ask such good questions about things I've never once thought about and then it takes me forever to answer, which I apologize for. But yes, good question!

So for context, both Steven and Wallace aren't strangers to receiving a lot of romantic attention themselves, particularly when both were younger. Steven canonically(?) is considered a heartthrob in Hoenn. So he is use to receiving a lot of romantic attention even if his is more comparable to what a celebrity would experience. Mostly distant admiration when the occasional overzealous fan. Hoenn's most eligible bachelor before he and Wallace officially tie the knot. Rich and handsome. For Wallace, while there's no canon basis for this, I also see him as being in a similar situation. Not to the same degree as Steven, but he's also a prominent public figure who would be considered attractive. Has as implied contest era before he became a Gym Leader, so has his own share of fans who were crushing on him while he was in his idol era.

Obviously distant admirers is different from being in an actual relationship or having someone actually attempting to peruse a relationship, so while I tend to see Wallace and Steven as having an on and off again thing with each other since both where in their teens, they’re also had relationships with other people during their off times. So aren't strangers to romance with people outside each other (more so Wallace than Steven though).

All of this is to say that Micah’s situation wouldn’t be too out there from either of their perspectives. He has an ex-boyfriend who’s still kinda hanging around, a current boyfriend, and then a friend who’s obviously crushing on him. Nothing too crazy (although much like his parents, he too gets the celebrity heartthrob thing each of his parents had to deal with. Kind of just what happens when one is an attractive Gym Leader with a contest idol background).

I feel like Wallace is the more sympathetic of his parents, but that’s also because Wallace gets more directly involved in Micah’s love life. Giving him advice, being the support he needed after things ended with Peyton and trying to help his son through his first heartbreak. That kind of thing. There's also a sort of...I don't want to say pride, but he has a bit of a mentality of "of course all these young alphas are in love with my son, why wouldn't they be" while also telling Micah he shouldn't settle and make anyone after his heart work for it. If someone he didn't approve of was trying to get with Micah, Wallace is turning to Steven like "we're chasing this guy off right now." No scrubs are going to be dating either of his children! Protective but also supportive.

I don't think this mentality of his causes any problems. He likes both Peyton and Dylan well enough and even if he's not exactly impressed with Peyton for breaking up with Micah, their breakup really was just long distance not working for two people who were still in their teens. It wasn't anything dramatic and neither Wallace or Steven really thought the two were going to last long term anyway due to the long distance thing combined with their age. Now if Peyton were to cause any nonsense while he was older...but that's a non-issue at this point. And he does like Dylan a lot! Very much approves of that relationship. The most he ever says about Neil is stressing that Micah shouldn't lead the boy on. Don't follow in your mama's footsteps when it comes to that kinda thing, be the better person. Cause yeah...Wallace might have done that a bit during his idol days. Knows it just causes drama.

Steven is a bit more chill about everything in general. He's not as good at giving romantic advice (I actually lean towards the idea he is a bit dumb when it comes to romance. For all that he's considered a heartthrob, he's not a player or even particularity interested in romance, so it really was Wallace carrying that relationship in the early days. Knows he's hot but his true passion will always be rocks). So if Micah were to come to him for any romantic advice, he would try his best while also being like "are you sure you don't want to ask your mother about this instead."

So no, he's not causing any problems either. He's maybe a bit unsure about Dylan initially, but that's more because Dylan is a bit wild when he's younger. Chills out a lot once he's an adult, but a hyperactive kid/teen. Wallace/Steven get along with Maxie/Archie well enough, since do collab to help the region, so him being their son isn't an issue. Although does think that there's a bit of irony to Dylan and Micah getting married. Team Terra ends up rivaling Devon in term of reach by the fankid era, so by joining the families, they could be running Hoenn if they really wanted. Certainly have a lot of influence between the two groups.

[senversum]

Opening Character Art Commission (2-3 slot available/ 2 weeks - a Month done/ depending on the complexity

Hello Everyone… first of all nice to meet you guys. you could called me Sen, I'm known as the artist for Totem Force, Unearth Your Gays, and The Onryō of Osaka.

i've been taking hiatus on digital drawing for years, the last time i did some art was in 2021, the reason for it was something im not comfortable enough to disclose in a lot of detail (im sorry) short summary of some of them (beside the covid case) are these :

in 2019 ive been living alone, which makes me have more time to work on art

but i have to come back to my parents house at the start of 2020 to take care of them and my lil sister which taking more of my daily life time

since my parents quite old i have to fully take care of the house chores and such like taking care of my lil sister education, managing the administration file and such when she have to apply for her Junior High School

managing monthly bills like electricity, water, gas, etc (not to mention that i just become unemployed to take care of the house)

i also have to manage our daily food like doing grocery in the morning after taking my lil sister to her school, preparing food for my family (cooking for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and my lil sister packed lunch)

another house chores like cleaning the house, doing dishes and such

not to mention dealing with family drama for my mentally abusive parents (the reason why i leave the house in 2019 and living on another city away from them) which taking a lot for me to stay sane

around 2022 my mom took a turn and make a mess of our life, she ended up diagnosed with bipolar and mentally unstabled state, which cause a lot of problem with neighbours and relative. she cause harmed to herself and other which ended up making me the one to blame for "not taking good care of her"

forgot to mention i also have to deal with my parents debt on top of it (dad never pay the monthly bill for years and caught in indefility, mom taking a bunch of debt from bank and loan shark, lil sister got neglected since i left the house (and yes it was me who usually take care of her since birth she basically said im more of a parent figure for her than her own parents)

there are a lot more i couldnt mention which ended up taking me to a dark places and makes my life feels too much of a burden, i was considering to end myself in 2022 (unfortunately not my first attempt considering how tiring it was to live under my parents abusive tendency in my youth)…

it tooks me a while to get a grip on myself again, but i decide to keep on living my life in hope it get better, not to mention i hate the thought of burdening other people by taking the easy way out, i still owe a lot of people, and my lil sister still need me to keep on taking care of her, and i dont know what will happened with this house if theres no one to take care of it

im not talking to any professional yet but talking with some close friend online does help quite a lot in sorting out my thoughts.

im stable enough now to deal with my daily life in this house, and im planning to stick with it until my lil sister graduated from her high school in around 3-4 years in the future. in my vision she will be old enough to taking care of herself then so i could get my rein back to focusing on my own life

Long story short im slowly getting back on drawing digitaly since 28 march this years, and lets be honest… i couldnt fully work on my backlog without earning any income for my living cost while im at it, so hopefully by taking another comission alongside my overdue list i could get through all of it. and please dont worry and thinking i will neglect your commision, i will give my best to finish it within 2 weeks - a month (depending on the complexity of it). you could talk more detail with me if you decide to take my service offer

Im thanking all of you for even considering reading all this stuff, sorry for the long post and thank you..

TL:DR im opening character art commision for like 2-3 slots, you could find more of my samples here :

and i will post my commission sheet here :

once again sorry for the long post, and please contact me if you are interested… thank you <3

[little-miss-understood]

Dame Violette, Prologue

-

Welcome to the mother of all fix-it fics, something I've had planned for a long while but the disaster that is Season 5 of Miraculous Ladybug has proven to me is needed. This will probably be my definitive work and after it's completed I'm more than likely not going to write anything else for ML. But, this story is in me to be told and I want it out lol.

Anyways, enjoy!

-

They had lost.

There was no question about it, as Marinette stared up at the figure of Gabriel Agreste in front of her. He had successfully merged the Cat and Ladybug Miraculous, and now as a deranged god he was going to get his reality bending wish. It was the one thing he wanted out of this whole mess, after three years of terrorizing Paris, and she felt utterly despondent and sad in her failure.

His son and her partner, the love of her life, Adrien Agreste stood behind his father. The emotions crossing over his face at this turn of events seemed to be of relief that this was all over. That somehow, his father would come to his senses and that if Marinette could just be understanding, then this whole situation could resolve itself and-

“I wish to go back to when my wife was alive, for us all to be together again as a family!”

Marinette had no time to react. The world went white.

Hi, my name is Marinette! I'm just a normal girl who lives with her two baker parents in Paris. Nothing special about me, nope, nosiree.

Unless you count the weird psychic visions I get. I mean that has to be normal, right?

They're like “mental shocks”. To be honest I'm not really sure why they happen or how they come to me, or even if I'm the only one who gets them. They seem to be steering me in life. Hopefully away from bad things though I never know for sure. Like a shock I got when considering fashion as a career choice, which led to some weird visions of a blonde-haired woman yelling about how something wasn't exceptional and about a man who looked old and stern, how the world of fashion seemed very competitive and not easy to get to the top of, at least not without losing parts of yourself along the way. Because of that I figured maybe engineering would be a better bet, I seem to have a good knack for designing neat things, like diaries with unique locks. I still make clothes occasionally! But they're more for myself or my close friends.

Another shock came when the first class representative elections came up. I thought about running, but memories of a girl who seemed to be overrun with responsibilities for her classmates filled my mind, along with a figure who took advantage who looked very, very similar to Madame Bustier, my homeroom teacher. Because of that it led me to always sit at the back of the class rather than anywhere near the front, not wanting to be noticed. Someone else can take the burden of being leader. There are only two other people who knows about me having such thoughts...having met them both through shocks, I figured they'd understand it if I explained the whole thing outright. Considering how well read one of them is I had hoped maybe she could have had a rational explanation but she just laughed and said it was probably some kind of “gut magic”. The other simply said it was “Awesome”. I might have been offended but they also both wholeheartedly believed me. I don't know why a person believing in me feels so...important, but it does. Like I know my parents do but having someone else besides them is great. I have a small group of two best friends, and that's more than enough for me. Having too many would be spreading myself thin and my downtime is important; I hate being run off my feet. Plus quality is better over quantity, and both of these girls are quality without a doubt. We might as well be sisters now for how entangled our lives have become.

- In a schoolyard, a five-year old Marinette looks around anxiously. It's a brand-new school to her, what with the move her mama and papa had done to a new and larger bakery, and she had to leave behind the friends she made in the previous year. Her papa however had done what he always did, and set her up with a box of macarons for her first day. “Just be yourself, offer one to a classmate. You're going to be fine, my sweet.” But there was a sinking feeling in her stomach. Marinette was expecting something to come her way, something horrible. Something brash. But little did she know, that on the other side of Paris, a decision was made to send a blonde girl of similar age to a private school, along with a boy of a prominent fashion mogul. It was over the objections of her father, a councilman who was hoping to rise to the position of mayor. “It's out of the question, Andre!”, shouted the mother. “She needs to learn what it takes with the right kind of teachers! Besides, this might seal the deal between ourselves and the Agrestes for marriage!” So, one fate was avoided. It was at this point Marinette felt the mental shock. A view into another universe, one were the blonde terror came to the school and immediately started to berate her as low-class, that her macarons were tasteless, and screaming for a young bespectacled red-haired girl to follow her during recess. It was said girl that Marinette saw near the entrance of the school, looking just as lost. The vision of the other universe fresh in her head, she walked over and opened up the box her father had provided. “Hi, my name is Marinette! Would you like a macaron?” The girl seemed to hesitate for a moment, almost as if she was questioning Marinette's motives and if this was, in fact, real. But then she looked down into the box, back towards her, and smiled. “I'm...Sabrina. It's nice to meet you! Um, do you have any strawberry ones?”

- We were inseparable from that day forward, best friends forevermore. Where would I be without Sabrina? Probably some stuttering mess. We each seemed to calm different parts of ourselves; her stopping my anxious “spirals” before they even start, and me encouraging her to stand up for herself. There's a strong mutual respect and understanding between us both; she's smart in the areas I'm not, and in turn I make up where she may falter. While I'm thankful for a lot of the “shocks” and their guidance, that one in particular has a special place in my heart as it gave two souls support and friendship. And two we were, until five years later a shock gave us our “missing” sister.

-

Friendship Day. An annual scavenger hunt across all of Paris. Usually Sabrina and I don't participate, but a shock a few days ago convinced me to have us both take part this year. The celebrity we were supposed to try and find was Jagged Stone, and that's kind of cool, but at the same time we couldn't work together to try and do it. The rules of the day meant that a new “friend” would be assigned to us at random.

Which is a shame, because Sabrina and I probably could have made short work this whole thing.

My phone buzzed with the first clue, “With one turn of a handle, I can raise the level.” That was easy enough, the Canal Saint-Martin. That wasn't even very far away, maybe a few blocks. I thought back to what was shown to me in the shock while walking towards the canal lock. It was of a girl with black and purple hair and a boy with teal hair. Both of them had their backs turned, so I had no idea what they looked like, but...

...it seemed I was going to meet one of them today. The girl on the bridge looked almost the same as the one in my vision, though shorter somehow? But the hair was a dead giveaway, along with the fact that her clothing also seemed similar.

And that she had her back to me. I guess the best approach would be direct?

“Um, hello!”

That seemed to startle her more than anything, though she slowly turned around. Her face was covered by her hair, and her expression was one of fear. But we briefly locked eyes, and something in her seemed to calm right away. Enough for her to haltingly mumble something out. I barely caught it.

“Hello. I'm Juleka.”

-

In the end, it turned out she was more scared about searching for Jagged Stone than meeting me; apparently her mother had something against him and she didn't really want Juleka to take part, but was free to do so anyways. Though we kept following the clues, we both eventually gave up the hunt and started to talk more about our lives. It turned out we had a few similar interests, and by the end of the day when we met up with Sabrina I had grown used to Juleka's unique way of speaking French.

It took Sabrina more time to get there, though.

-

“I couldn't believe it Nettie, all she kept going on about was how “utterly ridiculous” I was! Everything from what I was wearing to if I couldn't get one of the clues right on the first try! I guess I drew the short straw on this whole thing.”

“It's alright Brina, you don't ever have to see her again at least.” I said, putting a supportive arm around her at the same time.

“I hope not. You know how I feel about bullies. But...” She turned her attention to the raven-haired girl sitting on the other side of me. “At least it looks like things were brighter on your end?”

“They were for sure! Juleka, this is Sabrina!”

Juleka's eyes darted up and down Sabrina, as if looking for some kind of hidden intention. After a moment, she breathed a small sigh of relief before letting out a mumble that was similar to what I had heard earlier in the day. Judging from the look on Sabrina's face, she hadn't quite caught what the other girl had said, so I served as a translator.

“She said it's nice to meet you.”

-

From then on, we were a trio. Three Musketeers, all for one and one for all. I wasn't sure how Juleka would influence us at first, it was only later I realized that her tastes ended up seeping into Sabrina and I unnoticed, enough that all of us were wearing darker clothing by the time we hit our teens, not to mention a nose piercing (for Sabrina) and hair dye (for myself, which more than surprised my parents the day I showed up at home from a sleepover with pink highlights in my black hair). But none of that was a bad thing, if anything we embraced it all. We understood Juleka when very few would bother trying; her accented French could come out sounding low or in mumbles to others, but we knew what she saying. Juleka could be as chaotic as her mother around the right people, and it seemed as though we were her people.

The three of us were together enough that a language was taking form among ourselves; an unholy mix of French, Scottish Gaelic, English, and some Mandarin. Every weekend a sleepover, either at my place, Juleka's houseboat or Sabrina's apartment. Sabrina had in fact been over more times than I could count, largely because her father, Roger, trusted my parents and knew she was in good hands. He worked long hours as a police officer but took a step back from front-line duties as Sabrina got older, not wanting to be in danger and leave Sabrina without a parent. It took Roger...longer to get used to both Juleka and Anarka, her mother, but in the end was won over by a weird shared taste in rock music. Sabrina had told me when he was younger that Roger upheld the law to the letter but had significantly mellowed out over the years, which was good as Anarka didn't exactly park her boat in entirely legal areas. Our first combined sleepover on the Liberty also caused him concern as the boat had ended up in another place entirely overnight, but seeing his daughter happy must have helped warm things over.

Not to mention my own parents helping in that respect, too. I dearly love my papa and my maman; both of them work so hard to keep the bakery running, which means long days and nights, but they always also find ways to make time for me. Occasionally I pitch in, there have even been periods when Sabrina has as well, and they get along with Roger and Anarka. They've even taken on Juleka's brother as a delivery driver!

Oh yes...Luka.

-

Houseboats aren't exactly meant to be stable. The swaying of the tides prevents that, same as if another boat comes along and tries to pull a smaller one into its wake.

Marinette gingerly took her steps onto the Liberty, the houseboat that belonged to the Couffaine family. It was her first time coming...aboard? She pondered what exactly to call it, as Juleka walked ahead of her. After coming over to her house a few times, the other girl decided that it was time to return the favour.

“And the Captain, my mathair, really wants to meet my new friends.”

This is how Marinette found herself aboard a boat for the first time. Feeling it bob up and down in the water wasn't helping things much, and the sudden sway in the river caused her footing to give way as she felt herself tumble backwards.

But someone caught her. She hadn't even realized someone was behind her, let alone able to catch her fall. But as she stared up into teal blue eyes, Marinette thought back to the boy in her vision from some time back. The boy who had teal hair and his back turned to her.

“Ah, thank you for catching me.”

“It's no trouble, living on a boat has its downsides. I've gotten used to the waves, they're as constant to me now as musical notes.”

That sounded familiar. It was if she had known him, but that couldn't have been possible, they had just met for the first time.

“So, what is your name? Mine is Luka.”

It had slightly caught her off guard, though Marinette should have known that question was coming. “Uh, my name is Mamamarinette!”

As Marinette dug her face into her sleeping bag to hide her shame, she just heard Luka give out a light chuckle.

“Hello, Ma-ma-marinette.”

-

I can admit to having a small crush on Luka. Love interests tend not to catch my attention until I've been friends with them for a while, something I've found out is being called demisexual. I'm content to let things build further and see where they go, and I think Luka has the same vibe. We haven't really done much aside from ice cream dates here and there. Besides, I only just turned fourteen. There's no need to rush anything, it's not like he's leaving any time soon. Anarka had come back to Paris so that Luka could attend a prestigious music school. Juleka was offered the same but she wasn't quite sure what she wanted to do yet, so of course Sabrina and I jumped at the chance to have her in our class, though it did mean she had to go down a grade because of odd timing.

We were now getting ready to enter our third year of school together. It seemed as though we wouldn't be switching classes, even with the addition of some new people into the school; I didn't pay attention to any of that but Sabrina had found out that not only was the daughter of the Mayor going to be in our school this year, but also the son of some famous fashion designer. Ag...something. Agreste maybe? That name had sounded familiar.

It didn't matter; nothing would change my year too much. Nothing exciting would happen, nothing out of the ordinary. I'm happy being normal, I'm happy in my life, with my friends.

But as I travelled to school, before meeting up with Sabrina and Juleka, little did I know my life would change in a big way. All because I picked up a small butterfly brooch that was lying in a puddle of water. I didn't even notice it at first but a purple jewel caught my sight. Bending down to pick it up, a terrible shock came to me, one of the worst I've ever experienced.

A vision of a girl in a ladybug outfit, a boy in leather made to look like a cat. Some figure calling himself “Hawkmoth”. A box that seemed to be filled with random jewellery. A bunch of mysterious figures that were guarding over said box, but it was stolen from a Temple-

“Nettie!”

I looked down the street and saw Sabrina calling out to me, with Juleka standing next to her. I couldn't just leave the broach, it seemed far too precious for that. Besides, if it gave off such a strong mental vision, maybe that meant that I was supposed to have it? I could always give it up later, and maybe someone was out looking for a piece of lost jewellery. Stuffing it into my pocket, I ran down to meet my friends. After school was over, maybe then I could figure out what to do with it.

For now, my last year at Collège Françoise Dupont was about to begin.

[theheightofdishonor]

2023 year in review: part one

It's close enough to the end of the year that i'm writing my year in review. I decided to do a part for shows that actually aired in 2023. (i may or may not do a second part of this for all the shows i've watched this year but even from an initial glance its a LOT, we'll see. )

From what I have noted, I watched 81 shows this year that finished airing in 2023.

Broken down by country, its

Thailand: 35

Korea: 18

China: 10

Japan: 10

Philippines: 4

Taiwan: 4

48 of these were BL and 16 were GL.

Even this is actually so many that I don't quite know how to even break it down so I guess i'll just go by country?

Thailand

Thailand just has such a large output of content that naturally, the quality also tends to vary wildly meaning this produced both some of my absolute favorites and some of my most beloved.

On the beloved side, Bed Friend, IFYLITA, Moonlight chicken,My school president, and surprisingly Midnight Museum. And on a slightly lower tier, Be My Favorite, Dirty Laundry, Enigma, Shadow, Only Friends, and Warp Effect.

Bed Friend reminded me almost of Tharntype? But like good. I think the execution was great and NetJames definitely has some of the best chemistry in a year chock full of good chemistry. They're great in Middleman's Love too.

I Feel You Linger In the Air is Tee Bundit at his absolute best. He's great at blending genres together. He incorporated horror brilliantly into simr and I love how he leaned into the historical and time travel aspects of this historical time travel romance. There was some really cool things with the directing and the acting from Nonkul and Bright was great too. Me finding out Nonkul was doing a bl was probably how everyone else reacted back when news broke that Nanon was doing BBS. He's one of my favorite actors.

Moonlight Chicken ofc is near perfect. I loved seeing older queer people in a romance with Jim and Wen and the contrast to Li Ming and Heart was great. Not to mention the family and social dynamics and the way the show addresses Beam and Jim's relationship. The only complaint I have is that the lack of physical intimacy between Jim and Wen in the middle portions of the show and near the end felt weird considering the content of the show but even then, it's a pretty minor complaint and everything else about the show is great.

My School President is definitely the one I was most engaged in fandom for. And the only one I was waking up early every morning to watch. (and i'd watch each episode like 2-3 times too). The social media/shipping stuff at the end was fumbled a little bit but I loved the parents in this show and the friend group and tinngun. I still can't believe Fourth and Gemini were like 17-18 when they filmed this. They're both excellent actors. Oh MSP also had the best Our Skyy episodes btw. I'll die on this hill.

Midnight Museum I'll discuss later on too but it was fun. I liked how intentional they were with the cameos where it purposefully gave the actors roles that were completely different from anything they've done before, especially with Tu, Bright, and Nanon. The worldbuilding was also fascinating. I know someone here was making a timeline for it and they mentioned it was a damn pain to figure out but like kinda in a fun way? The decision to make KathaDome a bromance is odd and I hate it and I hate the implications for gmmtv but other than that it was good.

Be My favorite was way better than I ever expected from Jittirain. I do have to say that my experience was marred by the fact that I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, just from my experience with her shows but it didn't which was a pleasant surprise. I liked how they handled Aye's character and Kawi's growth.

I didn't think I'd like Enigma because I don't like Win but it was good. The supernatural/horror genre mix won me over. Also Prim is in this and i'm very weak for her. Win was nowhere on her level but he was more tolerable than I expected. I'm annoyed that she's not going to be in season 2 though because she's the main character?? GMMTV needs to understand that the draw of this show is Prim and not Win.

Only Friends. What a divisive show. I went into this wanting mess and drama and with the aim of not having any other expectations and for the most part, I succeeded. This show brought out the best from everyone in the cast, like genuinely these were some of the best performances that any of these actors have done. Absolutely stellar. Storywise, it was pretty good and very unique in terms of thai bl and gmmtv until that last bit with Boston and Nick which felt malicious and just mean compared to the neutral lens that the show had been portraying the other characters with. Watching it was pretty fun though and again, most of the story was really good so I guess i'm allowing it some grace.

Shadow isn't a bl but it is queer and I appreciated most of what it was doing with the historical horror suspense elements. I think towards the end it definitely was way shakier and I don't understand why they made some of the decisions they made but I really liked the first 3/4 of the show. Fluke and Singto are obviously good too, even though they're both way too old at this point to still be playing high schoolers.

The Warp Effect had the distinct vibe of a PSA and Gigie and Fah should've dated but otherwise, it was a fun watch, I think. I liked Alex's character arc, I liked everyone's character arcs honestly. On my notes, I wrote that the ending was a bit flat so points off for that but it was good.

A lot of these are from GMMTV which when it was good, was incredible and when it was bad, I usually was decent at avoiding them completely

The worst offender from Thailand that I didn't avoid is Tee Bundit with the double hit of Step by Step and Show Me Love. I think people far more eloquent than me have written a lot about sbs so I won't say much but like I almost refrained from watching IFYLITA because of how hurt I was by sbs. And Show Me Love was just like offensively mediocre which hit worse at the time because I had just watched Something In My Room and IFYLITA beforehand and made the mistake of having expectations from Tee. In my defense, Tee's usually good at writing engaging characters and casting for good chemistry so I had no reason to believe he'd fail here.

Hmm what else. Oh actually, brief mention of Nanon's filmography this year since I checked out all of it and he tends to be so good even in mediocre shows that I can't help but be intrigued.

Hmm what else. Oh actually, brief mention of Nanon's filmography this year since I checked out all of it and he tends to be so good even in mediocre shows that I can't help but be intrigued. Dirty Laundry by JoJo was excellent. It was a little hard to get into because i'm not a fan of the genre but i loved it. Also Film and Nanon are a fun pair and I think they get better with every showing. UMG actually was mediocre despite the great cast and I want better from Nanon so I dropped it. Namtam and Milk's characters should lowkey have gotten together though. In Midnight Museum, Nanon's a side character (which i honestly forgot was something gmmtv let him do) but he fucking KILLED it. He played three roles here and all of them were new for him and you could tell the guy was having a blast. I can't say it's some of the best acting I've seen from him but that's only because when Nanon is good, he's always this good. Oh and also, Nanon and View in MM is the best chemistry he's ever had with a girl. Our Skyy, there's not a lot I'm willing to say publicly about all that but Nanon even at half-effort is still better than half of GMMTV's stable. The Jungle was a terrible mess but Nanon was so excellent in it that i'm still writing essays about Nannam and Nanfah months later. Nanon and Mild as a pair were also excellent and the only ones that made it out of this show unscathed. The rest as I said, is a mess but one that could've been somewhat redeemed by making Mix a vampire. (this might not make sense but like watch Mix's performance alright he's trying sooo hard to be shady and mysterious and they never let it go anywhere) My precious was a fairly run of the mill movie with excellent acting. As a plot I think it's a little thin for a show but i'm interested to see how they'll stretch it out. Hopefully the longer runtime means the friend group can be fleshed out a little bit more.

Korea

Well that ended up not being all that brief but moving on, I thought Korea would have more on a showing because I remembered watching a lot of kdramas but turns out most of the kdramas I watched were from previous years so, only 18. A very dramatic drop from Thailand's 35.

The best of these included The Eighth Sense, Our Dating Sim, and Welcome to the Lesbian Bar with Sing My Crush being ever so slightly underneath. I would rec Lesbian Bar to literally everyone, but especially those who enjoyed MLC. It's got that same queer family focus with the central relationship being this baby lesbian and her lesbian aunt. Out of the not queer stuff, My Perfect Stranger was an excellent time travel romance, The Glory Season 2 was better than all the other season twos that came out this year, and

If Korea produced anything too egregious this year (outside of Taxi Driver and Uncanny Counter's season 2s) I missed it. But out of the ones I watched, the most disappointing was A Shoulder To Cry On, followed rather distantly by Bump Up Business, both for very different reasons. I will say though that whatever is wrong with Tae Hyun in A Shoulder To Cry On is very appealing to me in the same way that Tae Joo from Where Your Eyes Linger was except like a weaker version.

China

I once thought i'd never touch a cdrama again but here I am, having watched 3 whole traditional length cdramas this year. The other 7 are almost all from the Legend of Yunze's catalog because I love their content. The best by leaps and bounds was Nu Er Hong by Legend of Yunze. I think it's my favorite out of everything they've made. The studio's really started to figure out their pacing and also this one was fairly dark and dark gl- dark anything really- is right up my alley. A flower for 3 lives and Seven Gods of Joy by the same studio had great concepts but shakier execution. Stepping outside of them, A league of noblemen was probably my favorite traditional cdrama but Mysterious Lotus Casebook was fun fandom-wise since people on tumblr were watching it.

I think the only show i'd classify as bad is probably My everlasting bride which I watched on a whim. Under a miscroscope started good and then ended boring so overall averages into mediocre. This wouldn't be a crime anywhere else but I expect good pacing from my cdramas.

Japan

I liked pretty much everything I watched from Japan this year so imma go with my worst off which was Jack O' Frost. This is more on me than on the show itself because the concept just squicked me out a lot more than I expected it to. Badly enough that i've blocked the tag.

On the best of, I don't even know if I can choose. Hmm, Bokura no micro na shuumatsu, Kimi ni wa todokanai, Kinou nani tabeta s2, both the My Beauitful Man installments, and Taikan Yoho. Ahhh, and Tokyo in April is... Welp well turns out I couldn't actually choose. This was pretty much everything I watched.

I didn't think I'd like Bokura no as much as I ended up liking it. And I don't know if I would've liked it as much if any other country had produced this show. But it was achy and wistful and I fell in love;.

Kimi ni wa todokanai though was hands down my favorite from Japan and I don't even like friends to lovers. It also helped that they, mostly Yamato reminded me a bit of Kageyama and Hinata. Like I know it's just common character archetypes but also, it's kagehina core, yeah? The bed scene where Yamato yeets Kakeru onto the bed was both hilarious and just well done. I liked the way Yamato wrestled with his desire.

I watched Kinou Nani Tabeta s2 just a couple days ago since I was waiting to binge it and i'm glad I wasn't watching this weekly because it would make everything else I watch weekly dull in comparison. Honestly would watch 100 seasons of this. It's perfect.

My Beautiful Man S2 and My Beautiful Man: Eternal were both solid. I think mbm s1 had tighter pacing but week to week, I enjoyed s2 more. For some reason I didn't write notes for either but I do remember liking both so.

Taikan Yoho. If not for the kghn vibes from kimi ni wa, this would be my favorite. Like their dynamic and just the layers of it and how it presents itself in the language of the show is just so tailored to my taste. I think I wanted just a little bit more from them, but what I got was excellent.

Philippines

I only watched four and somehow, it's perfectly split into 2 gls and 2 bls. I really do like pinoy stuff and the way they write relationships but I don't watch a lot of it because I don't know a lot of people who track it and also because most of it is on yt and i don't like the yt interface. But out of what I watched, the best was The Day I Loved You and Stand-In Love.

The Day I Loved You did a good job in handling the love triangle and Eli's illness. I'm not sure how I feel about the ending but it was still good.

Stand-In Love is about 2 best friends who are in a 'stand-in' relationship with each other where the straight one is helping the lesbian one learn how to court a girl but then they end up falling in love. It's like 20 minutes long, it's fucking adorable, very well done for the amount of time it had.

The other two things I watched was Tie the Not and Lei and Mar. Tie the Not is basically just pinoy Wedding Plan and I find that I don't care for the concept. Lei and Mar is a cute friends to lovers that for some reason ends in a car crash. Like it started out really cute and then bam, car crash out of absolutely nowhere. Just, why?

Taiwan

Kiseki: Dear to Me was fun and I liked the cameos. It was a funny experience for me though because I consumed a lot of this show via gifsets but I never actually read the synopsis and whatever the hell I thought this was about was decidedly not it.

Fall For You - it's tragic, it is but I laughed

Stay By My Side reminded me a bit of Hikaru No Go but I can't tell you why. It's more cute domestic fluff than plot but I watched it twice so clearly I didn't mind too much at the time. Plus, it has ghosts and i'm a sucker for supernatural stuff.

You are mine was a mess and I think I watched up til the penultimate episode. What is it with office bls this year?

[currentlyfckingurmom]

Her Song part 20

FIVE YEARS AGO

I walk through the halls of my childhood home with my head held down. I know that both of my parents are in the living room. I'm dreading this conversation, but I know I don't have a choice. This isn't just about me anymore.

I walk into the living room and they barely pay me any attention as I stand anxiously in front of the couch upon which they sit.

"Mom? Dad? We need to talk," I finally say, swallowing thickly as they gaze at me with anxious curiosity.

"About what?" my mom asks.

"A few weeks ago, s-something happened and I didn't know how to tell you, but Mark Lucas...he, um, he did...things to me. I've been feeling sick lately so I took a test and...I'm pregnant."

It's silent for a minute. I can see the anger swelling on my parents' faces. For just a flicker of a moment, I stupidly believe they're angry at Mark for what he's done to me.

"You had sex with Mark Lucas? God, Y/N, I thought we raised you better than this," my moms spits with disgust. "You're too young for this. And now you're knocked up. I'm calling the doctor in the morning and we're going to get rid of this mistake of yours as soon as possible."

My eyebrows furrow in confusion as tears well in my eyes. "What? Mom, I didn't have sex with him-"

"Oh really? Because I'm pretty sure that's how a girl gets pregnant. By whoring herself out to the star football player," my mom yells. The vein is popping out of her neck. My dad remains silent.

"No, you aren't listening to me," I sob. "I didn't have sex with him. He- he made me do it, Mom. Dad," I pleaded. "You have to believe me, please."

They stare at me in silence. My mother's face has been taken over by a foreign expression of disgust. My father clenches his jaw. I can't tell what he's thinking.

"Quit lying, Y/N. If you're old enough to have sex, then you're old enough to own up to your mistakes instead of blaming them on someone else. I mean, rape? Did you honestly think that you could get away with accusing the town's golden boy of rape? First I find out you're a slut and now I find out that you're just a fucking idiot," my mother mutters.

"Mom," my voice cracks, shaking my head in shock at her words. "I promise I didn't have sex with him. He made me. I don't even- I don't even like guys that way. I like girls. Mom, Dad, please, you have to believe me," I beg, my chest shaking with sobs.

My father scoffs. It's the first time he's really reacted, and my eyes are instantly glued to him to see what happens. "So first you're sleeping with jocks like a whore, then you're pregnant, and now you're a dyke? What the fuck are you trying to do, Y/N? You're going to tear this family apart," my father snaps.

"Pack your bags and get out," my mother instructs coldly.

"What?" I breathe.

"Pack your bags and get out. You're no longer welcome under my roof. I won't have you ruining my reputation in this town. If you figure out how to stop lying and repent for your sins, maybe we'll consider letting you come back," she finishes

I stand there, frozen in place. This can't be happening right now. I look to my dad for help, but his eyes look just as hateful. I spin on my heels and run up to my room to pack my bags.

I'm out of the house within twenty minutes. I get in my cheap 1982 Chevy and drive to the edge of town. Sitting on the tailgate, I watch as the sun slowly disappears behind the trees.

"I guess it's just you and me now, huh?" I whisper to the little life growing inside my belly. "But that's okay. We don't need those assholes. I'll take care of you, you little Satanist. I promise. I'll keep you safe."

PRESENT DAY

"Get the fuck out. I don't want you around my kid."

"What? Y/N, don't be ridiculous. I'm your father," he tries to convince me.

"Not anymore. I'm done. I already have all the family I need."

"My flight doesn't leave until Saturday," he scoffs.

"So stay at a hotel. It's gotta be easier than trying to find an apartment at 16," I snap. "Pack up and get out. You have fifteen minutes."

I head to Syd's room and close the door behind me, leaning against it and taking a deep breath.

"You didn't want me to know about my dad, did you?" Syd asks quietly. I sigh and sit on the floor next to her.

"I...It's complicated, honey. But no, I didn't plan on telling you about him. He wasn't a good person."

"Did you love him?"

"No. I didn't."

"Well, that's okay. We don't need him," she states. "As long as we have each other, we'll be okay."

"Yeah, we'll be just fine," I sniffle quietly. "I'll always take care of you, you little Satanist. I'll keep you safe."

"I'll keep you safe too, Momma. Is Grandpa going to leave?"

"Yeah, baby, he is. Are you upset?"

She hesitates, thinking it over. "No. He's fun, but he makes you sad, and I don't like when you're sad."

I let out a watery laugh, silent tears now flowing freely down my face. Syd notices and frowns, crawling into my lap. She wipes the tears off my cheeks and kisses my forehead, the same way I've always done it for her.

"Don't cry, Momma. We'll be okay."

"I love you, Sydney. You know that, right?"

"I know. I love you too, Momma."

[dredshirtroberts]

Alright, debrief time

(pretend i was able to find a fittingly funny gif of someone removing their trousers quickly and/or explosively)

honestly there should be *way* more easily findable gifs of this, but my search-fu technique is not doing me any favors this mor...today.

(it's not morning anymore, bummer. it felt like it'd been morning for hours, figured it might stick around longer. alas)

so. This weekend was busy - i mean yesterday was the necessary "everyone recover your spoons and refill your social batteries because we drained them completely" day, but idk if it was enough tbh lol.

Friday was exactly as expected with no concerns during the outing or subsequent hangout. Like i was tired and very much had absolutely Done An Outing but I was doing pretty good all things considered, both immediately after hangouts were done and also the next morning. I was tired, but like. The expected amount of tired and I felt very optimistic about the day. I didn't even really feel like i needed medicine and considering I've felt like I needed to take medicine in the morning every single day this past week, pretty impressive tbh imb.

And Saturday was already going to be the tricky day - i went into this weekend knowing what i was up against, and with the understanding that I was going to probably accidentally do some damage to myself but it's *on purpose*. It has a *point* and I think that makes it different to the rest of the times i've done this to myself.

So even though I absolutely should have and knew that going in, I did not take any medicine because that was the point.

For as long as any of us can remember, going all the way back into rather early childhood, my legs just always get exhausted really fast. I'd get in trouble for sitting down in P.E., my parents fussed at me about it when I was little, and I was told that I didn't actually feel that tired, and that I just needed to push harder because clearly if I was that tired so quickly then my muscles needed to do more work to become stronger. If I just worked them out, they would be stronger and wouldn't get tired so easily. It was on this metric that i ran in 4 half-marathon races with fairly decent time. Just keep pushing, you're tired because you're not in shape enough, just keep going. It doesn't matter that you run at least 3x a week, for longer and longer distances, it doesn't matter that you're going uphill for at least half of that time, it doesn't matter if you're eating a limited diet because the household is once more trying a lo-carb, or similar, crash diet we'll forget about as soon as we take a "vacation" or even just by the weekend, but god forbid I eat anything more than the Allotted Portion Allowed By The Parents before they start saying shit about how I need to eat less or save some for later, or save some for the rest of the family. If I just lost weight, if I was just *stronger* then I wouldn't complain so much and my legs would feel less tired.

In a move that will only ever continue to shock my parents, it did not work. About 15-30 minutes into any outing on a good day, my legs will start to ache like I've been, well, training for a marathon. Which I can accurately describe because i've fuckin done that.

But I've stopped taking note of it because i was told *so young* to just ignore it. It wasn't real, or it was real but everyone else just dealt with it better, or whatever. And by the way, i also was never allowed to sit and rest when it happened while I was a child - the stroller was something I didn't really have access to as good once my sister was born, and that was at around 3 years old. I may have gotten like A Year with access to it still, while she was still papoose-able, but once we needed it for her I was expected to suddenly be able to carry my own weight wherever we went.

My parents really like theme parks, family trail hikes, and going to festivals where you wander around and there's very little seating. I got used to ignoring it and pushing past really fast, but it meant that I just...really did not like going out very much. Our family trips were always kind of through a filter of "I'm not really enjoying myself as much as I thought I would and I have no idea why I'm so grumpy all of the time". it got passed off as teenage angst and my bad attitude, because i couldn't complain because i didn't know what was wrong.

plus it wasn't like complaining would have done me any good. I would get yelled at for voicing a concern or need, and then when I would have a Health Complication that made my parents look bad, I'd get yelled at for not saying something sooner. So I just stopped sharing and would handle my health issues quietly and to myself. I think my parents just assumed I grew out of or stopped experiencing several relatively frequent health issues I kept having because I stopped telling them about it and did my very best to hide what was happening when I was in pain or sick, until I absolutely couldn't. I knew my bad health would be a burden on them, so if I said something and they looked at me with "concern" (read: what appeared to be actual irritation in their alarm), I'd backtrack which I think led to both my being seen as a hypochondriac and a liar.

So this weekend was to see exactly how long it takes me to reach the point of "My legs are tired" and then when I hit the wall of "I can't do this anymore without a break". My partner took me thrift store shopping which was super fun and rewarding, but it really did put into perspective how much I've been hurting myself.

Within the time it took us to walk from the car across the parking lot (not even to the door necessarily yet), I felt the familiar burning ache of overworked muscles and I was like "Alright. Well. Here we go."

I don't know how long we were in the first part of the store, before we walked down to the other, bigger part. I had 2 flannel shirts and was looking at the pants and already my arm was aching. Once I picked 5 total things, we'd moved on from the clothes so I could see what else they had. Traveling through the rest of the store, my arm slowly got more and more tired.

I got separated from my partner in the store (was fine, even with my issue at feeling Lost in Stores) and realized I was starting to crash really fast - I was going to need the medicine I'd brought ASAP, but my drink was in the car, and I had to pay for my things and I didn't know where my partner was.

I found them, we grabbed like 2 more things, they helped carry the heaviest stuff, and we paid and left. Once in the car, knowing it was safe to feel the pain, knowing it was safe to not have to keep pushing and make myself keep going, I realized I couldn't do it.

The day-long shopping marathons the women in my family do, the parties, the festivals, the hikes and the amusement parks, I physically cannot do them. And I don't know how long it's been like this because I wasn't allowed to pay attention to that.

Don't get me wrong, I love all of those things, but I cannot do them under my own power and I haven't been able to in ages.

I always figured if everyone had the option of sitting down and wheeling along rather than having to use their own two legs, they'd take it. In fact, I assumed most folks would just casually dream of not having to stand up ever again, of not having to walk across vast distances from the house to the mailbox, of just not having to...not having to hurt? I figured most folks' legs hurt all the time just like mine and I figured everyone else was just better at dealing with it.

Even bringing out my cane and the medicine didn't really *help* all that much. We rested for a while, but I still really wanted to go to our friends' cookout later that evening, despite my partner now being too worn out for it. I was super prepped to go it alone (had already gotten confirmation and assurance that it was allowed and possible for me to rest while i was there), but I was glad that Meta Prime was also good to go hang out because it is easier with a buddy.

I think adrenaline has been doing a lot of heavy lifting for my body (no pun intended?) because the adrenaline of going to be around friends (plus also the medicine, and the use of my cane and probably also the ability to sit) helped reduce the amount of pain and stiffness I normally would have been in at that point, even by the time we got home. (that or someone was working overtime to push to the front and make it so we couldn't feel it yet - it's a thing i try not to think about it too hard it makes things confusing and complicated).

but even with yesterday spent in bed and high af most of the day, i'm still sore, still tired, still achy. And I just used to live like this. Like no fucking wonder I was useless after work all the time.

I think this has confirmed for me, however, that it might be something to absolutely look into to get a wheelchair. This of course does require that I get my ass in to see a doctor sooner rather than later (yes i know i haven't done it yet i am...struggling with the concept), and figure out how to get them to write me an Rx for one but like. Baby steps. I at least...can confirm that apparently most folks don't spend about half their waking time wishing they were more physically disabled so that it would be seen as reasonable to let them sit and be in a wheelchair and in fact that might be a symptom of being more physically disabled and perhaps sometimes needing a wheelchair.

but yeah i'm just...processing.

i've already taken medicine. It hasn't really done much, considering we're in the Peak Time it should be working, which probably illustrates exactly how bad I feel. I'm going to go back to resting and hope i feel better soon lol

[lopezletmebe]

Inevitable Failure

There is something about my co-parent supervising visitation that never sat well with me.

Maybe it's the fact that I truly perceived our relationship as a cycle of domestic abuse, him being the perpetrator.

Don't get me wrong, I have mental pathways that don't allow me to be fully emotionally available to what feels like danger.

It's dangerous, to live paycheck to paycheck as a parent of many children and it's even more dangerous, to never gain the fortitude to want to be better every single year.

Or it could be the fact that he has initiated sex many times which I felt obligated to give in to time and time again- at first it was because I actually really missed him and it and then it became a pattern of when I give in, I get more time with my kids.

What woman who longs for her children every single day wouldn't give in just to find out how it turns out, right?

Giving in became a natural thing and by no means did I really honestly think that we could reconcile because I've let it be known already- if it were to happen I would literally lose everything that I worked so hard to obtain and maintain over the last year within the first three to four months.

I feel like I live by it now and I will continue to do so. I've avoided being coerced into sexual activities to get more time with my kids just recently and it led to our St. Louis Zoo trip being canceled.

I've discontinued treating my body like a payment method and that quite possibly could be the result of paying a full-grown man that has been to active war twice, $1441 a month which was also first paid in full on our 4th wedding anniversary.

Listen here fellers and yellers, I do things with great purpose and may have sabotaged my relationship but buddy all you had to do was listen and get with the literal written-down program. My OCD ass doesn't allow me to have income without a written-down fixed budget to move my life forward in some way along the way.

The purpose of paying my child support in full on my 4th anniversary was first, since it was the first day after checking with the courts for at least 20 days but I also wanted to mark it as the last thing to tie me to him.

He can no longer ask me for any more assistance or to share my body, mind, and soul with him.

I gave more than enough of myself to try and create a good life with a man that I saw true potential in and that man just doesn't see the same potential in himself and carries too many insecurities from past adultery that I have nothing to do with.

It'll always be truly beyond me how my annual child support payment of about $17,000 will equal the balance he back owed in his child support- for his son to his ex wife that he continuously dodges left and right- when I first started to panic that I may have to figure out life all by myself with three sweet young babies because any day this man can be charged in contempt of court for his overdue child support. Yes, I said he dodged it.

And the last time was the last straw. He quit his last job for no solid reason and I was done for good.

I lost it internally. I truly believe I was not in the right state of mind when I said what I said to him over the phone while I put-together quesadillas and black beans for my munchkins. At least at that time, I know that I was selfishly only considering my own feelings as I got screamed at over the phone. But in hind sight, I can understand that my children may be confused by what they could have overheard from the other room- yet my actions towards my babies were kind and generous(feeding them their favorite lunch).

My actions weren't matching the words he kept saying to me over and over which made me feel like repeating it to him would make it stop.

No hunnies, instead the frantic man started saying that he would catch a ride home to save his kids from a delusion he created while I fed our sweet small children a balanced meal that I enjoyed with them through tears from fighting him to please stay at work. "We're finally getting out of the lower poverty line."

Failure of my marriage was inevitable and I saw it then and I went through with it knowing it and now I pay a hefty price but I can truly say that I live a modest and humble life.

I make good money but I have a beautiful grown woman who has been completely neglected by everyone and herself over the last few years, to take care of. First things first, my boudoir shoot in December..

I was never celebrated as a girlfriend, wife, mother, or mother, so I'm going to celebrate myself as a 30-year-old woman with prominent abs because keeping my mind on my own mind, body, and soul has helped to gain a level of respect for myself that I will never allow to dissipate.

[prismatoxic]

Tahoe, 2011-2023

we met late 2011. you were 11 months old, fresh off of being returned to the farm where you were born by your original adopters. i never did find out why; i also never got your papers, but though my parents insisted it was important, i never really felt like it was.

your name was "jake". a very average working dog name, but you weren't going to be a working dog. i changed it to "tahoe", and you were so smart, you were answering to it the same day.

you were covered in ticks and filthy. we meticulously pulled every tick out of your skin in the bath station at the local pet shop. you were so nervous... did you know we already loved you? did you know i already loved you?

you were afraid to get on furniture. you had clearly been disciplined for it before. i didn't care; i wanted you to follow me everywhere and do everything with me, including sleep in my bed and be on the couch next to me. i wanted us to have that sort of relationship where i could consider you my best friend.

i remember, a few years in, thinking to myself about how you were a neurotic guy who loved others while also being scared of them. and i was the same way. and i realized i was wearing a black and white shirt, that i usually only wore black and white. it was funny--like that opening to 101 dalmatians. we were the same.

when i moved out, of course you came with me. nervous as you were, you adjusted well, i think. you became fast friends with our roommate's dog. you loved the snow. you figured out that you could easily squeeze through the cat door in the gate we tried to use to keep said roommate's dog out of the room we were inhabiting.

you didn't like mesa at first. not until we moved here, to this house. then all at once you wanted to play with her. she loved you; you were her best friend in the entire world. i don't think she's realized anything's changed yet.

you've been... getting worse. bad teeth. bad joints. tired. after having to say goodbye to kaos, i knew you were next. i knew i would have to make peace with it, sooner or later. i kept hoping there'd be more time...

everyone says border collies don't know when to quit. that they keep going and going and going. yesterday, when you refused to eat, i knew you were quitting. you'd been following me upstairs less and less frequently, going outside of your own volition less often. but you always loved food. you would bark and bark and bark at me to hurry up and come feed you when it was time. you were doing that just a few days ago.

but you didn't want to eat. and you didn't want to go outside. you didn't really want to do anything. when you didn't eat again today, even though i was holding out hope that something would change... i knew. i've had enough pets now to know the signs. they still break my heart, now. especially when it was you.

hearing devot explain the situation to the vet on the phone, laying out all the details that had been accumulating, i realized that there was no coming back from this. 12 years feels too young. it wasn't enough time. but waiting any longer would have only hurt you.

it never gets easier. i'm saddled with guilt over how my own decline in health affected your life. i wish i'd done better. i wish i could have given you more. but i loved you. i hope you knew. i hope you had some inkling of an idea of how deeply adored you were.

i'm sorry i couldn't make it better. i'm sorry we had to say goodbye. i hope the last few moments were peaceful.

i love you. i will always love you.

[eternallyanxiousandstressed]

You're Not Safe

hey guys! i wrote this today as kinda a way to express what's going on in my head and what i've been dealing with in regards to my Schizophrenia. not everyone will have the same experience, but I wanted to share mine in a story-ish form. So here I go:

    “Um, where should I start?” I ask, tentatively.

    “From the beginning. When did everything start? Where were you when it started? How did it start? How did you feel?”

    “Um, okay. From the start.”

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    The first thing I noticed had to have been that all the lights were out when I got home. Which was strange considering my parents were usually home around this time. Both of their cars were gone too. 

    “Hello? Anybody home?” I yelled, quite loudly. When I didn’t get any response I went to my room to drop off my backpack. I went back to the kitchen to make some food. After al, school lunches are hardly filling.

    It started as footsteps. I could’ve sworn I heard footsteps upstairs. Like the dumb protagonist in any horror movie, I had went to investigate. I called out, asking if someone was home. When I got to the hallway, it was empty. I ended up brushing it off as the house creaking, so I went back to the kitchen to enjoy my food.

    The footsteps became more frequent after that. I’d hear them once or twice a day. Sometimes in my room. I got startled awake more than once, thinking someone was in my room. But nobody was there. 

    Then came the sound of breathing. This only really happened when I was in bed, trying my damndest to fall asleep. Creak, creak, creak. The footsteps were so clear as they came up to my bed. I remember closing my eyes really tightly, praying to anything that would listen that they would go away. And then I heard the breathing, right next to my ear. They were shallow, shaky breaths, always coming in threes. Three breaths and then they’d stop. It was hard to fall asleep that first night.

The footsteps and breathing happened for months. I didn’t tell anyone. It never happened when my parents were around anyways. I was terrified beyond belief. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I was being targeted but there was no way to get help.

    Then came the scratching on the walls. Always behind my bed. Scratch, scratch, scratch. They came in threes too. There was someone, something that was trying to scare me. And it was working. Sleep became near impossible after that.

    Then I saw it. One night I was laying wide awake, terrified out of my mind. I heard footsteps in my room and immediately looked to the door. It was there. It looked human, to an extent. I mean, the shape at least. But it had no features. Just a dark human shaped thing. It said three words to me that first night. “You’re not safe.” 

    I started getting very paranoid after that. And things just started declining for me. Showering became harder. The figure would appear in the bathroom so I wanted to avoid it. And I also just had a hard time getting motivated. I started slacking on my chores, knowing they needed done but always thinking “Someone should do that,” instead of doing them myself. Bugs started crawling all over my skin, but I could never see them. Nobody could. I even started losing interest in things I used to love. The only thing I could do was paint or draw the figure. I was hoping if I drew it enough it would go away. But it never did. 

You’re not safe.

You’re not safe.

You’re not safe.

Then the voices started. At first I couldn’t understand what they were saying. Still can’t most of the time. But there was one, a deep masculine voice. And it did not like me. If I was alone, it would whisper that I’m a failure. That everyone would be better without me. That everyone wants to hurt me. It told me to hurt myself. 

The paranoia sank in after that started. I didn’t trust anyone. This disembodied voice was winning. And the figure was right. I wasn’t safe. Because the voices followed me everywhere. I could even hear them when other people were around. They targeted me and I didn’t know why. 

Then the voice from the bathroom vent started. It kept telling me it wanted to hurt me. It went into pretty good detail too. It said that the scratching on the walls was him trying to get out. Trying to kill me. Nobody else heard it, but I knew. I knew there were people in the walls.

I determined if something was haunting me, I’d fight back. I got sage and smudge sticks trying to cleanse the place. I said prayers to anyone who’d listen for help. But it just wouldn’t stop.

So I kept listening to the voice. Maybe it was right. Maybe everyone does want to hurt me. Maybe they are all watching me. Maybe I’d be better off dead. I was so lost, so deep in the fear and the pain. The voice told me to start hurting myself, so I did.  I couldn’t even see how worried my parents were. I figured that I was carrying this huge burden, protecting them from not only the people in the walls, but myself. 

Then, one night I was finally doing the dishes. It was a miracle even getting to the point of doing them. But as I was washing one of the knives, the voice told me to hurt myself again. To take the knife and stab myself in the stomach. I turned around and looked at my parents and broke down sobbing. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to be scared all the time. I wanted to live again.

So, they took me to the hospital. I explained everything to the doctors. And they sent me here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    “That sounds very rough. How’re you managing things now? Are your new meds helping at all?”

    “Yeah, they seem to be helping a bit. The voices have died down a bit.”

    “Very good! And how are you feeling about this new diagnosis?”

    “Well, it’s a bit hard to accept, but I know that there is something wrong, and that this fits the best.”

    “Well I’m glad to see you doing better. Our time is up, but I’ll talk to you next week. Sound good?”

    “Sounds great. Thank you doc.”

[badiiidea]

She wanted to argue the points that no, really this was more on her than on him or on them. That's how the world would see it. That's what her friends would say behind her back, what her brothers would say, what her parents would say. She was smart, she was clever and capable and she not only knew better, but she simply should have done better. When the other shoe dropped, she'd be the one it hit. The irritation she felt had her tugging her hand from his somewhat sharply. "I did have to say something. It's only right." Her stupid morals and ethics. Her foolish pride. 

"I don't have a concrete plan." Vague, wispy ideas. But she'd done crisis management for clients, so she knew the basic steps, the outline. "My engagement will be called off. I need to tell my parents first so they can brace for that. Probably my brothers at the same time just to soften the blow." Aran, the middle child, had always had a soft spot for his younger sister, and while their parents and older brother would rage and shout, at least someone would be in her corner. "There's no point in lying about why, though. It will be obvious soon enough." She couldn't help but let a few of the tears that were pricking at the corners of her eyes fall. "I'll need to see what happens with them. What their expectations are. If they'll even...." Her voice faltered, and she needed a minute, her hand falling to her still flat stomach, striding to a bench, sitting, letting her face fall into her hands.

"I've considered the fallout. If they'll keep supporting me or cutting me off." Luckily, her apartment was paid off, and in her name, so she'd at least keep a roof over her head. "And then there's figuring out... well..." Clearing her throat, she motioned to him. "The you of it all. It's my decision to keep it. I don't expect you to be involved if you don't want to be. I won't come after you for child support or anything like that. But we do have friends in common. So if I need to be discreet about the father's identity, I can do that. But that really falls on you and..." 

The tea had gotten cold already, but she still downed a gulp, her throat feeling raw. Because this was the tough part (besides all the rest of it, which was still tough too). "But I will say, if you choose not to be involved, if you prefer discretion, whatever, that's cool. But I'll have attorney's draft up some documents, and that will be that. I'll expect you to absolve your parental rights. No coming back in and out of my child's life as it suits you." It was a hefty ultimatum to hand out, and her tone had gotten stern, protective. "And obviously, I've had some time to think about all of this, so I don't expect an answer right now. Not today. But um... I'd like to know in the next few weeks. I'll be showing by then and I need to know how to handle the news."

She softened then, tilting her head as she looked at him. "What are you thinking? How are you feeling? No need to sugar coat here. I know this wasn't what either of us wanted, but it's what we've got."

Quincy was quiet, the sounds of birds and chattering pedestrians, white noise filling in the gaps of silence as Penelope finished. His head tilted, eyes on the sky as he scratched his brow. Lost for words. Lost for thought. Maybe not lost. Numb. Her words a buckshot to the chest that deafened the world and dulled his senses. Those moments of nothing. They were a blessing, if only for a few seconds. Then he was back– just as suddenly as he’d gone, his nerve endings igniting and sending a fucking inferno of feelings burning through him and thoughts. A cacophony thoughts that just– fuck. Fuck. All of which had zero place to go. Cause what was he going to do? Yell? Kick over trashcans? Rage and rampage, blame her, the shit luck of the universe and himself for another epic fuck up that left his existence, what? Fucked? Yeah. Fucked. He couldn’t even ask any questions. Not really. She’d already said she wanted to keep it. And while he could ‘make sure’, even he wasn’t that stupid. Then she was absolving him of any responsibility. Already deciding he wanted nothing to do with it.

He didn’t want a kid. Absolutely not. And even if he did, how fucking fair was that? Granted, Penelope wasn’t Sam. He didn’t love Sam. He didn’t even like her. They were together out of convenience. Loneliness. And even with all that, it wasn’t the kid’s fault. He’d walked away though. From that. From her. He had nothing to offer then and now well now was even worse. Or better? He didn’t fucking know. Then there was that age old thought. Intrusive. Who’s to say it was his? Again, he wasn’t stupid. He wasn’t asking. That and if she had any other possibilities, no way would she come to him. Penelope had money. She had family. A career. She was someone that could take on the fucking world and he– he had zero to offer anyone. Let alone someone like her. No way she’d choose him if there were options.

But as he started to compartmentalize, to quell the intensity in which his stomach was twisting and the thoughts swirling in his head, he took Penelope’s hand, drawing her away from the street and into a shitty little park. Away from prying eyes. 

“Us,” he said finally, chucking his untouched tea in the nearest trash can, “It’s on us,” He’d wanted it just as bad, maybe more so. He’d had so many chances to stop, to pull out, whatever. He didn’t. He didn’t remind her about the pill either. He’d slept like a baby and– he grimaced, wiping his mouth with his now free hand. “I uh– I appreciate you saying something. You didn’t have to,”

Because this was better, wasn’t? No, he wasn’t thrilled. He didn’t want to be a father before. Didn’t wanna be one now. But the thought of not knowing…it didn’t sit right either. Not even a little. 

“What’s your plan?” The words came after another pause, arms crossing over his chest and his tone as if they were discussing…well anything but this. "Abortion is out. You’ve told me." Though he just stood, blue eyes trained on her, an equally trained eye would see the shudder run through him as he spoke, "What’s our next step?”

[ruthlesslistener]

I really like the idea of hollow having baby fever lmao, just the image of them cooing and fussing over some baby/grub/hatchling is just the cutest xox tho do you think PK and WL have any mixed feelings about seeing Hollow babysitting and taking care of children, considering what they had done to their own, I image that they may feel a tad guilty.

Oh same! You can blame Jaxx for that one- making them Midwife's assitant in Broken Open def. stuck with me hardcore when I was still getting a feel for their character, and I love the concept of the most terrifying, eldrich-horror looking of the vessels being this big sweet softie who has an instinct to protect anyone too weak to fend for themselves. It gets even worse when they're actually living a somewhat normal life, too, because then the stress isn't supressing their hormones anymore, and then whatever 'breed to become powerful' genes that WL passed on to them gets combined with their far more sociable void nature + wyrm protective instincts to make a perfect storm of them basically being a bug equivilant of a broody chicken (everything vaguely egg or baby shaped MUST be protected and cared for)

Their baby fever doesn't stem from a desire to have children of their own, though- they have far too much deep-seated trauma to even consider that. Instead, they're perfectly willing to be somewhat of an odd cross between a nanny figure and a guardian spirit to the grubs of other bugs, even if they look far too terrifying to play the part. I've always seen them as having a compulsory need to protect everyone and anyone that was honed to a self-sacrificial edge with their training, but lil squeaky grubs and larvae just make that part of their brain go haywire (and to make y'all go haywire too, I hc that the insects of Hallownest have children more akin to puppies or kittens in development than human babies, so its just piles of squeaking potatoes).

As for PK and WL's reaction- a little guilty is a bit of an understatement. It's harder to tell on WL than with PK, bc she processes death so differently than a bug does (most seeds sown are doomed to fail), but both find it painful to see. That their child had a gentle, soft side they were unaware of after years of unintentional abuse is bad enough, but the fact that they actively refused to see it when Hollow and Hornet interacted in her youth + that Hollow is naturally a better parent than them at all just straight-up hurts. I don't think they would discourage them, but they also would be as distant about it as possible without ruining their psyche more than they've already done.

[ckjbun]

What kind of ability would Higuchi have and its potential name?

Hi to whoever is reading this! This is my first self-written post so I’m still figuring out how all this works and I’m sorry, if it gets a bit chaotic. Anyways, recently, I came across a question regarding Higuchi from Bungou Stray Dogs. It was about what Higuchi’s ability would be called and what type it would be. So I won’t go into details whether she has an ability or not. I believe she has since she is named after an author (and Asagiri himself kinda confirmed it via Twitter). Thus, I just want to write my thoughts on the potential names and kind of ability. 

Since abilities in the BSD world are always named after rather well-known works of the authors, I compared some of the famous works of Higuchi Ichiyo. Now mind you, I haven’t read her works myself. I mostly relied on comparing summaries and analyses of them. Since there are not a lot of summaries, I read two lesser-known stories myself. I will add the links of the summaries/analyses of the works down below. However, while comparing I found two works that would fit Higuchi. Now, first what do I mean by “fit”? Well, it might be best to start explaining what I think about the type of Higuchi’s ability.  

I believe Higuchi has not an offensive type of ability. Nothing like Atsushi’s, Akutagawa’s, Kyouka’s etc. If she had, I’m sure she would have used it already, since she’s fighting a lot with her guns, why wouldn’t she use her ability as an addition, why would she hide it? There are two possibilities why we haven’t seen her ability yet. First possibility would be that her ability is not visible like Odasaku’s or Ango’s, maybe it’s even an ability that she hasn’t even discovered, just like Fukuzawa hasn’t realized he has one before the ADA. Second would be that she can use her ability only under stringent conditions. And I believe it’s the latter, hear me out. 

Remember this scene from Chapter 14? Higuchi reaches out to hold Akutagawa’s hand but then pulls back because she remembered him saying that he doesn’t need her help. Now, you could argue that holding the hands of injured loved ones is a gesture of closeness, a way to show them your support, a way to tell them that you’re staying by their side. And Aku doesn’t want this support, so that’s why she retracted her hand. But something bothers me here. In this scene it looks like Aku slapped Higuchi’s hand away, doesn’t it? And then he says, he doesn’t need her help, instead of support. I know, you could say support and help are almost the same. But to me, help is something that you do more “actively”, while support can be something passive. What if Higuchi’s hand represents this “active” help? And what would actively help Akutagawa in this very moment? A healing ability for example. Coincidentally, in the panel before, Hirotsu asks Higuchi what power she posses to make them [the black lizard] obey. Is this a hint that there is a hint about Higuchi’s ability in the next panel? Maybe. But let’s look at the next panel. It’s the title page of this chapter. 

As you can see, Higuchi has a bandage wrapped around her leg and they seem connected to Akutagawa. In this chapter, it is revealed that Higuchi contemplated about leaving the Port Mafia but her reason for staying is implied to be Akutagawa. This is perfectly symbolized by the bandages in this title page. The bandages coming from Akutagawa are holding her leg back, stopping her from walking away from the PM. But maybe there is a second interpretation? If you’re looking at Akutagawa’s left hand, the bandages are starting to come off. What if this means Akutagawa is healing and doesn’t need the bandages anymore? Instead it wraps around Higuchi’s leg, restricting her movement. What if Higuchi’s ability allows her to help someone else (doesn’t have to be necessarily a healing ability) but in exchange she needs to sacrifice something? Anyways, I think she has an ability which allows her to help other people in a non-combat way. With this in mind, I was looking through several works of Higuchi Ichiyo, searching for something that “fits”. Meaning that I was looking for parallels and themes in irl Higuchi’s stories that could be “converted” into an ability. Just like the coat that the protagonist of Rashomon stole in order to now die of hunger was used as Akutagawa’s ability which seems to be able to eat everything, or like the wish that one’s brother does not die in war in Thou Shalt Not Die became Yosano’s ability and serving as a basis of her background story. Anyways, I’d like to present the works that could be used for Higuchi’s ability and draw some parallels. 

1. The Thirteen’s Night

The story revolves around a poor woman, called Oseki. Thanks to her marriage to a rich man, her family was able to live a better life and her brother found a job. But on the thirteenth night of the ninth month of the lunar calendar (one of two special nights for moon viewing), Oseki visited her parents with the intention on asking her parents for approval for divorcing her husband. Before entering, she overhears her parents talking about how lucky they are that they have such good children who don’t cause trouble and that they are very thankful for this marriage. Hesitating at first, she finally goes in and admits that she wants to divorce her husband because he abuses her mentally. He insults her constantly and tells her that she's worthless, stupid, and uneducated. Her mother is outraged. But her father, even though he acknowledges her suffering, reminds her what her husband has done for this family and that she would lose her son since women couldn’t get custody of their children after a divorce at that time. Agreeing with her father, Oseki decides to go back to her husband: 

“It was selfish of me to think of a divorce. You're right. If I couldn't see Tarō, there'd be no point in living. I might flee my present sorrows, but what kind of future would I have? If I could think of myself as already dead, that would solve everything… Then Tarō would have both his parents with him. It was a foolish idea I had, and I've troubled you with the whole unpleasant business. From tonight I will consider myself dead — a spirit who watches over Tarō. That way I can bear Isamu's cruelty for a hundred years to come.” 

– In The Shade of Spring Leaves, translated by Robert Lyons Danly

Just like BSD Higuchi contemplates leaving the PM, the protagonist here wants to leave her husband. The PM is like the husband. It allows her to support herself and probably her family (at least we saw that she has a sister). But there is constant abuse. Akutagawa is clearly the biggest source of abuse that we can see. But it’s not only him. In Chapter 14, Mori asks her if she is really suited for this job. Telling her indirectly that she is useless or that she is too weak for the PM. Later, you can see the Black Lizard doubting her capabilities, even threatening her. But just like Oseki she stays because of a loved one. What really concerns me is Oseki saying that she will consider herself as a dead spirit watching over Tarō. What if Higuchi, in order to use her ability, has to sacrifice part of her lifespan? Or maybe she loses a feeling? Like e.g. she loses the ability to feel happiness, making her a bit more dead inside? If you draw this parallel, you could also say that when ‘consider myself dead’ is the condition of the ability, then ‘watching over Tarō’ is a hint to Higuchi’s ability. An ability that allows her to watch over and protect her loved ones? This theme fits Higuchi perfectly, since a big topic in Higuchi’s story line is how she wants to help and protect Akutagawa. So it makes sense that her ability might be something that would help him (**intensely squinting at the recent events in the manga, especially chapter 88**). Moving on to the second possibility before the pain starts to set in. 

2. Takekurabe (literally: "Comparing heights", "Child's Play" in the Robert Lyons Danly translation, "Growing Up" in the Edward Seidensticker translation)

Now this is considered as Higuchi Ichiyo’s masterpiece. So the chances are high that the ability is based on this story. The story accompanies a group of children who live next to the Yoshiwara quarter. There are two rival gangs: the main street gang (’omote-machi’), lead by Shōtarō, a cultivated young boy who is the grandson of the owner of a pawnshop, and the back street gang (’yoko-chō’), lead by Chōkichi, the impulsive firefighter’s son. (Maybe a parallel to the ADA with (cultivated) Fukuzawa and the PM with Mori who’s a doctor which belongs into the same category of occupation as firefighters?). Among the main street gang, there was Midori, popular and pretty, who lives in the brothel where her sister works. Shōtarō probably has a crush on her. But Midori probably has feelings for the other main character, Nobu, the son of a Buddhist priest. Even though he returns her feelings, he distances himself from her out of his self-consciousness. Later he joins the rival gang after repeated request by Chōkichi. Anyways, they spend their days very care-free, attending school, playing with each other after school. One day, some conflict arises between the gangs and Midori, while protecting someone else, gets slapped by Chōkichi with a sandal. He then proceeds to tell her that their gang is backed by no other than Nobu. Midori feels humiliated and stops going to school. Soon she also stops playing with the other children. After some time passed, Midori is seen with her hair all done up. She has become a distant, lady-like young woman. This probably means that she got her first period and is old enough to become a prostitute or that she just had her first client as a courtesan. Little by little, the children grow up. Nobu is sent off to be trained as a priest and Shōtarō has come to accept the responsibilities of his family’s shop. 

There are several themes in this story that I’d like to point out, namely unrequited love, Midori’s transformation and underlying unchangeable fates. The first one is obviously a big theme in Higuchi’s story. Midori and Nobu are unable to express their love for each other because of their positions in life. Just like Higuchi is unable to express her feelings for Akutagawa. If you want some hope, AkuHigu shippers, maybe Aku has also feelings for Higuchi but is still very confused and self-conscious about it just like Nobu. Anyways, because of their positions in the PM, it would make everything very complicated if Higuchi confessed. Additionally, Midori feels like she was humiliated by her love when she got slapped by that sandal. I’m sure that Higuchi gets humiliated by Akutagawa a lot. The next theme is Midori’s transformation from a tomboyish to a lady-like, distant woman. We all know Higuchi looks really badass in her suits. But again, look at the title page of chapter 14. Higuchi is dressed up all prettily and lady-like in a dress, and her hair is done all up. Just like Midori after her transformation. Midori’s transformation stands for Midori accepting her occupation as a prostitute even though she doesn’t want to. In this chapter, we see that Higuchi has accepted her job in the PM, even though she doesn’t want to do this job. At the end Shōtarō sings the following: 

"Growing up,

she plays among the butterflies

and flowers.

But she turns sixteen,

and all she knows

is work and sorrow."

– In The Shade of Spring Leaves, translated by Robert Lyons Danly

I don’t know about you guys, but to me that necklace that Higuchi is wearing in that title page looks like a butterfly to me. This is really farfetched but maybe this could be a hint about when Higuchi joined the Port Mafia? However, the biggest theme in Takekurabe is the underlying unchangeable fate of the children. Shōtarō was destined to become the next owner of the pawnshop, Nabu was destined to become a Buddhist monk and Midori would become a prostitute. Maybe this gives us some insight into why Higuchi joined the PM? Maybe one of her parents was a PM member? I also like to think that since Aku is in the PM, since she wants to be with him, she can’t but stay in the PM, and this is her fate. Nevertheless, fate is a central theme in Takekurabe. This is the reason why I think, if the ability is based on this story, Higuchi’s ability would be something like changing fates. Changing fate of someone else but in return she must sacrifice something. 

Okay, so this post has become quite long. But I still wanted to mention two other stories Yamizakura (Flowers at Dusk) and The Sound of the Koto where I saw a lot of parallels. I just want to briefly tell you the story of The Sound of the Koto. In this story a woman abandons her son in order to leave her husband who has a bad reputation. The husband then turns into an alcoholic and dies later at a party because of alcohol intoxication. The boy becomes hardened to the world, despises his mother for leaving them, and even contemplates suicide. The story shifts then to a woman playing the koto.  I want to give you an excerpt for the end of this story: 

“On this night the sound of the woman’s playing helped another to be reborn. Through fourteen springs and fourteen autumns, the boy had been buffeted by the rains. His heart had gradually toughened until it had become as hard as stone. No arrow could penetrate it. He seemed destined to follow the example of his father, to die among the fields or in the mountains, where his remains would be bleached by the elements. Some were convinced the boy’s life would end in prison chains, while his bad name spread to every roadside. 

But now, at once, the tenderness buried in his heart was freed by the midnight strains of the koto. For the first time in many years, he felt tears come to his eyes. Or were they jewelled drops of dew? He would not exchange them for anything. 

He, who had known neither love nor compassion, and who had no idea what the player of these refrains could even look like, felt a moment of happiness as the music drifted over the garden wall. […]

[…] How could a stormy wind blow now? The clouds in his heart had disappeared. Once more the woman began to play. The sound of the koto would be his friend for a hundred years, the seed for a hundred years of yearning. He had entered a world where a hundred different flowers wer in bloom. 

– In The Shade of Spring Leaves, translated by Robert Lyons Danly

This boy somehow just reminds me so much of Akutagawa. Just like this boy, without any parents and home, wandering around in this world, Akutagawa has become hardened to the world. I’d like to think that Higuchi’s ability could free Akutagawa from his pain, just like the sound of koto does for this boy. 

So, now I said everything I wanted to say, I guess. If there is really anyone reading this and reading this until here, thank you so much! I appreciate it very much that you kept reading even though my thoughts are probably quite chaotic. I’m sorry if there are any grammar mistakes or weird sentence structures or anything like this. English is not my first language. I’m very happy, if you could point out any mistakes or have any suggestion for improvement. Lastly, I just want to remind you that these are my thoughts, I love discussing so feel free to comment your thoughts but I’d like you to keep in mind that there is not necessarily a wrong or right, theories are theories, interpretations are interpretations. Everyone has another interpretation. They can only be proven wrong by Asagiri sensei himself. Until then just keep the discussions friendly and tolerant towards other people’s thoughts and opinions. 

Sources:

All manga panels used in this post are from easygoingscans

Higuchi Ichiyo (樋口 一葉)

Higuchi Ichiyo: "In the Shade of Spring Leaves"

In The Shade Of Spring Leaves: The Life Of Higuchi Ichiyo, With Nine Of Her Best Stories, translated by Robert Lyons Danly

In the Shade of Spring Leaves – Ichiyō Higuchi, Part 1

“Flowers at Dusk” and Other Notes – Ichiyō Higuchi, Part 2

“Encounters on a Dark Night” and Other Notes – Ichiyō Higuchi, Part 3

“Child’s Play” and Other Notes – Ichiyō Higuchi, Part 4

HIGUCHI ICHIYŌ: BADASS WOMEN IN JAPANESE HISTORY

The Thirteenth Night (Wikipedia)

Female Subject, Interrupted in Higuchi Ichiyō's "The Thirteenth Night"

GAME OF TRADITIONS: TRADITION IN THE THIRTEENTH NIGHT AND DIARY OF A MAD MAN

HIGUCHI ICHIYŌ IN MODERN JAPANESE AND EUROPEAN DRESS: Modern Japanese versions (gendaigoyaku) of Higuchi Ichiyō’s Takekurabe and their Relationship with English, Castilian Spanish and Catalan Translations

Separate Ways Summary

Literary Analysis of “Separate Ways”

Flowers at Dusk

Nigorie (Wikipedia)

From the Margins of Meiji Society: Space and Gender in Higuchi Ichiyō's "Troubled Waters"

[monstas1ut2]

(3/3) Eren Yeager

(๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ

Send a DM just to trap me (damn)

Threw your bitch in a taxi (taxi)

Wanna get drunk and nasty? (Nasty)

It was inevitable, of course he was going to find out.. Now here you are, sitting in your mothers house trying to figure out what you could've done differently. It's not only embarrassing but it sucks because that's your father, he's your everything , he's the man who adopted you. All you had to do was stay away from Eren.. though you couldn't even do that..

"Cheer up, here.. I got watermelon and pineapples.. I know it's your favorite.."

The woman with glasses, your mother handed you the soft bowl that held your favorite fruit. Her eyes staring at you softly as you were sitting on the floor. It was like you felt like you didn't deserve a bed right now.. In all honesty though, it wasn't fully your fault.

The soft, warmth that you had from the strong arms that touched you in ways... that night had kept you asleep. His hair fit his face so well and he said so many things that night that was hard to pass by. It wasn't a joke, Eren knew what he wanted.. and that was you.. and still is.

The many missed calls from him was ridiculous and the texts were everlasting. He figured he'd messed up, that or you were maybe drunk last night..? You didn't seem drunk.. that's just because you weren't.

"I should've stayed away from him..."

"Cupcake, you can't keep blaming yourself. Shorty-pants tends to be that way with Eren because of their past. There's nothing wrong with Eren technically, he lost his parents at a young age, in front of his eyes.. so he's a bit mental from that.." the words came out of Hange's throat and you nodded slowly. The thought still edged you on though, why did Levi want you away from him..?

Just because he has mommy AND daddy issues? That is a bad sign for sure, but at the same time.. Eren has done nothing but shown you his kind side. As well as his sexual side but we ain't gonna talk about that.

"So why... did dad kick me out... because of that..? Or cuz of their background together..? Eren is nothin but nice to me.. I would've backed off otherwise I ain't stupid to stay wit a nigga that beats on me.."

These words spat out in direction of no one in particular since nobody is here.. but it hurt. You wanted to scream so badly but what good would it do anyways.. Slowly slipping a pineapple chunk in your mouth. You watched as Hange was conflicted on what to say.. which is odd.

She has known Levi longer than anyone.. but Levi is still a mystery. So all she could do was direct this somewhere else...

"He'll be fine later okay? Don't worry... just.. eat your fruit, someone's comin to see ya in a little bit.. mkay?"

It's almost been a month.. and you didn't see Levi becoming fine any day now.. from what you could see, you were abandoned just like whoever your real parents were..

(๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ

Standing outside to get some nice air, your eyes watched the car in the driveway pull off. It was Hange's bmw. Her mission was to get Levi to straighten up and fly right, but you told her there wasn't any need. The damage was done already.. right?

Hange does tend to make things right though, she's just that lovable of a person..

Letting out a sigh, you'd decided to finally turn your back and try to go back into the house but your ears were kinda deceiving you. Your head whipping back towards the driveway as you saw the car that was there. It wasn't Hange for sure, though that black, porche was nobody's but..

Eren's...

His taller form immediately moving from that car and eventually coming to face you.. in all honesty he wanted to yell and scream and do everything in the book.. but seeing your pretty eyes tear up was enough for him.

After a few silent minutes passed, the two of you were now wrapped up in each other. As close as you two possibly could be on the comfy couch. Just bathing in each other's scent and aura. It was a nice feeling nonetheless, but at the same time, Eren was confused as to why you were so quiet. Why didn't you answer his messages or his calls...

"I'm sorry... I ain't mean to ghost you like that... but, he uhm..."

Swallowing down the tears that were edging to release again. Eren's green eyes stared into yours, his ears ready to hear everything you had to say to him. He wasn't going to ignore these feelings you had.. why would he?

"He found out... and he didn't like it.. obviously. He kicked me out...so I live here now..." your words spilling out of your throat, it sounded like you were in pain. Your glossy eyes staring up at Eren, who happened to be a bit more annoyed than anything. The past was the past... he didn't understand why Levi was so strung up on him. The two never had good relations, they always hated each other... Maybe in a past life too..

"I'll talk to him.."

"N-No, do you have a death wish..?"

"For you... I'll do anything you want.. if you wanna come live with me that's aight with me..." Eren offered up everything he could think of. There's just this feeling, he didn't want to leave you... but he also didn't want you to be abandoned by your father...

Eren knows that technically, that's already happened to you.. but you grew up with Levi and Hange..

"We gonna talk to him together... he ain't gon kill you if I'm there.. even if he hates me.."

"He Doesn't hate you... not him... he just pissed right now." Eren was correct, Levi was simply annoyed at the fact that you decided to spend the night without his knowing... and at EREN's house nonetheless. Levi already could think about what happened in that bedroom... though if you played your cards right, you could probably make it seem like it didn't happen...

Probably...

(๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ

The paperwork continued to pile over, Hange's steps being big as she stepped over the books and papers. Honestly, this has to be the first time she's seen Levi like this. His house was a mess.

And that's something you don't hear everyday.

"Shorty! Shorty mc shorty pants...? Ah!" Hange was obviously teasing the male but she ended up tripping on one of his shoes that was in his office, man was he living in this one room?

Her glasses were put back on her face as she looked up at the desk. Seeing Levi tapping on his keyboard quickly. He himself probably didn't notice the way he was living at the moment... when he does he'll probably scold himself.

"You sir, need to get it together!" Hange spoke as she stood back up, and she earned a loud and annoyed sigh from the male.

"Look, shitty-glasses I don't have time for it right now!"

"Don't yell at me! This is about your kid wanting to isolate herself from the world because you can't stop being an asshole!" Hange quickly spoke as she then moved back from Levi, making sure her distance was far... still managing to joke in instances like this.

"Stop trying to pry them apart! I've seen Eren! He treats her like a Queen and he even gives her these looks that makes it known... he's not going to hurt her... not to mention she might hurt him first.. physically.. I've seen her throw a shoe at him once.." Hange chuckled out at her last sentence but Levi didn't seem like he was in a laughing mood.. nor was he ever...

"Fine" Hange huffed, her cheeks reddened at the fact that she couldn't persuade Levi-that's what she thought-and she immediately left his office, though came back and kicked one of the books over...

The two slender fingers he had was pinching the bridge of his nose, trying to surpass the headache that already arrived.

.

.

.

"Get out.."

"Daddy I ain't do nothin wit him, I just fell asleep I swear..-"

"I don't care!"

(๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ

"I'm tired.. I'm goin to sleep Ight..? Pick me up tomorrow..." your words softly sliding out as Eren stared at your soft lips. This however made you smile and wrap your arms around him. Pulling him down to your height to kiss him gently. His lips still tasting like sugar...

Today, Eren kept you company and he even offered to take you out tomorrow... so all wasn't lost..

Eventually you'd closed your bedroom door and decided to get ready for bed. Gently laying in your bed after putting a scarf and bonnet on your head. The soft pillow was cold and that only made you a tiny bit more happier...

Knock knock

As you were about to close your eyes, the sound of knocking was on your door. That could be nobody but Hange... right? Considering this is her house but normally she just opens the door... without knocking..

"Come in...?" In a bit of a confused tone, you'd propped yourself up so you could get a better look at the door.

"Why say 'come in' if you're unsure... you're going to get yourself killed.."

"Daddy!" Your voice shrilled with happiness... and all Levi could feel was that same energy.. he may not like your little... boyfriend.. but he loves you.. his beautiful daughter...

(๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ Masterlist 2

[peachmuses]

" i'm not -- " ryou struggles to pick the words that he wants to say. he breathes out, " i'm not hurt about anything you've done recently. " he says finally. " or mad or upset. it's just something i've been thinking about -- and i think, that we need to talk about it. " because he's tired of running / he's tired of pretending that people don't leave him either. " my therapist says i have abandonment issues. " he says instead, because well, take the focus off of kazuya. " not just from you -- " ryou clarifies, " but omma. appa. they're good people and they're great parents and i am lucky to have them, i am aware of that fact. " much luckier than most of his friends and their parents. he says, " but it doesn't stop the fact that they've given me so much freedom that i could do basically anything i want too since i was in middle school. it doesn't stop the fact that the first time that they left me home alone, you were gone too, and i didn't know what to do because suddenly -- everyone had left me alone. i was thirteen and scared and i tried to find you --- and i went to your house and got turned away and i couldn't find you anywhere. " he's hesitant to say any of this - the first time he's wording it aloud to anyone that isn't his therapist and he didn't even say it to her / she told him what the problem was. he takes a sip of his wine, " and they came back, eventually. and you came back eventually too. and i made other friends eventually -- but then they left again. and you left again. and my other friends left - or are leaving or are about to leave. and it's just a repeating process that makes me wonder sometimes. it's got to be me right ? " " and i think -- maybe if i can figure out why you leave so often, i can figure out why they leave so often. i know they didn't want kids - and now basically have four -- but, " a sip as he stares blankly at the tv that's long turned into static. " but maybe i can do something -- be something better - to make people not want to leave me ? make them actually want to stay ? " it comes out more question than anything, but it's been weighing on his mind. his eyes move down to the glass, and he breathes out, " umo's off to college now -- and things are good there, but i keep expecting him to just leave me too and i feel like i'm going to ruin it because i expect him to just leave me too. so i'll eventually just - push and push until he's had enough and he leaves and i'll be all 'aha ! see, i'm not worth anything because this proves my point. he left me too.' " a vague hand gesture, " y'know ? " " i expect you to leave again, " blunt, honest, " and it's not because of any particular reason but just because that's you and that's okay. i'll still be here for you for when you return. you're my best friend and i think -- you need somewhere that you can return to after a long day or a long week or a long month. you're like omma in that way of just -- wandering sometimes. free-spirits, appa likes to call you two. i'm not -- " a breath, " i'm not trying to bring this up to hurt you or examine you -- " his brows furrow, " well i guess i am if i'm trying to figure out motives -- but not - not to hurt you. not because i'm angry or upset at you. "

his head tilts back and he stares at the ceiling, " i hate change. " softly, " which is ironic considering how often i change my interests. "

he traces patterns into the ceiling with his gaze, " og wants omma and appa to adopt a baby. or take in a baby. he asked me my opinion on it. they're great parents -- and omma is thinking about opening a gym here -- staying. " which is ironic considering they're off on some trip at the moment for the fun of it. ryou had to stay behind as captain. " but --- i don't know how i feel about any of it. i feel stupid and selfish because i wanted to be enough for them to stay too. i -- do my best at everything. i bring home trophies and awards and i know that they're proud of me, but it's like --- some great divide that i can't cross or something. " a pause, before he's turning attention to kazuya, " don't tell og i told you about the baby thing. bestie law. " a pause as he turns his gaze away from kazuya again to stare out into the thundering night sky. " god i hate my mind. i feel so selfish. "

@peachmuses: ‘  i have never left your side. you left mine, but i never left yours.  ’ / haryou. :)

one day, kazuya will never have to hear about it again, but until then, he's forever haunted by the memory of how he went and left his best friend in the entire world not once, but twice. forever reminded about it, if not by ryou, then himself / and if not by himself, than by others than don't know that the topic is a landmine that ruins his entire day. today / it's late, cold and raining. it's only the third time that he's stayed the night with ryou after they'd made up.

kazuya's gaze is on the window, watching the way the rain pelts down on the window just to fall and split it's own way as ryou brings it up. his hand remain wrapped around the mug of hot cocoa and eventually, he blinks, hidden gaze shifting from window to best friend ( now normal ) and kazuya doesn't refuse to think about it this time. they'd promise to actually talk about the things that bothered them, but did that mean that it happen at around three am when thunder shakes the house and there's once again no one around but the other to catch one if the other is falling?

when he left / the first time / the second time / kazuya never imagined what it did to ryou. if he cried or not / if he bothered looking for kazuya or not / if ryou even cared that kazuya wasn't around anymore. each time, kazuya felt nothing — couldn't. he didn't allow himself to. maybe that's why when his friend finally speaks up on it, it hits him like a shot to the chest and his eyes slowly fall out of focus.

" we were just kids, " he begins, softly, and he knows that it's not enough. the first time he left, they were just kids and there would never be enough apologizing in the world for ryou to ever let it go. they were kids and kazuya's entire life was being uprooted, everything he considered safe and sacred were being threatened. he did what he had to do, did it to survive and manage how far the damage spread. " i'm sorry. "

he's sorry / sorry for leaving / for coming back / for doing more harm than good.

he doesn't know what to think anymore as he didn't necessarily see the point in explaining himself over something that happened when they were children. the second time / kazuya left his most important things and blurred lines.

lightning strikes not too far off, lighting the entire room for a split second and in it, kazuya's thought about bolting. he stays anyway, drinking the rest of his drink before placing empty mug to his right. " when i did it, " which time? " both times — i wasn't looking to hurt you or anything. " that was easier said than done, though. intention and outcome were never the same when he did anything. " i did it for me, because i didn't... i didn't want to make anything worse. " better to walk through hell alone than to drag someone else through it / he can't reach the same thought process behind it anymore. " i don't know. "

a pause / " i didn't do it for you to bring it up any time you feel hurt about something i've done. " he breathes out, eyes back on the window again. " i didn't know what to do with knowing that you'd never go anywhere because that i never get that. " his siblings, his own parents, ryou's parents, nameless faces and old friends / all came and went. kazuya wondered if ryou knew that he needed ryou just as much as ryou needed him. his presence was mandatory, but just as much as it was, kazuya didn't know what to do with such a consistency. better to ruin it before ryou did, he'd think. it would be better for him to burn all his bridges down himself than to be caught in the fire someone else set. " so, " he shrugs, " i did the only thing i knew. what do you want from me? to say that i'll never do it again? "