#i feel bad for feeling sad and scared about it i guess
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Thinking about the "Do you Feel Safe Tape"
Honestly we should talk about the different reactions to 'who do you trust' a bit more.
Wooly - Wooly seems surprised that you trust him. I couldn't help but think it's partly because we like seem to like Amanda and Amanda hates him. Also considering Amanda doesn't trust him, he probably hasn't had anyone say they trusted him in a very long time and it was probably shocking. Then Amanda tells us she felt that way a long time ago and Wooly looks sad. I've noticed throughout the game that he seems to get sad whenever Amanda talks about not liking him anymore. He gets immediately sad when Amanda says that you have to think about who you can trust, before she even mentions. I think whatever he did to break her trust, he might actually feel really bad about it. (I can point out other moments he's done this too if you want). But what else is interesting is that Amanda trusted Wooly at some point. She didn't hate him from the start, something happened to change their relationship. I can't help but feel it was "recent" considering the events of the first game. Considering both Amanda and Wooly's reactions to Wooly coming back to life, I'd assume Amanda has never hated Wooly enough before to try killing him. When I say recent, I mean possibly during the years that Kate was watching the tapes and talking with Amanda.
Personally, I think both Amanda and Wooly unintentionally played a part in Kate's death and Hameln finding her. Considering Amanda's reactions to us saying "Hameln" I think they might still be monitoring Amanda and Wooly. I think that by interacting very directly with her (saying her name and stuff) could have helped them discover her identity and put her in danger. Which is not directly related to anything in this post (I mean it could be, but I'd need more evidence). That said, it's possible that him getting in the way of them remembering (once they started to gain back their memories) was exactly why she stopped trusting him. . But I think the important takeaway here is she did trust him at some point, and he feels bad that he broke that trust.
Kate: Amanda trusted Kate, and wishes she could still talk to her. Kate was one of the last people who knew Amanda when she was Rebecca. (well, positive relationships at least) Think about it. Sam is MIA. All the other librarians who knew her are DEAD. Any friends she had in school or whatever are definitely full grown adults if they didn't get trapped in the show (idk, like if they were watching it cuz it was their friends show or whatever). Every person we know who knew Amanda is probably dead now. Kate was the last one. Now that she remembers, she keeps saying she wishes she could still talk to Kate whenever we mention her, and Wooly looks like he feels bad. Now that she remembers who she was. Now that she remembers Rebecca, she wants to talk with Kate, maybe the way they used to. That could be why she's so angry with him. Why she tried to kill him AFTER they found Kate died (in the Wooly's birthday tape) but had only hurt him when they realized Riley was watching the tapes and not Kate (in the original in your neighborhood tape). Wooly might've caused her to miss her chance to talk to one of the few people who knew her as Rebecca. That was recent though, I think she lost trust in him over time as he kept blocking her attempts to reach out to Kate
Sam: She says Sam was trusting too, and that can be a mistake. She sounds so sad here, like she is going to cry. I think this confirms that Amanda doesn't hold any malice towards Sam about what happened. She understands that both of them were tricked. So idk, I guess any theories involving Amanda hating Sam for what happened are debunked now?
Hameln: Saying Hameln immediately makes Amanda stop trusting us. Wooly looks scared of Amanda yelling (as always) but I noticed he also looks kind of angry? Offended? Annoyed? I can't really tell cuz the tape gets really blurry. I've seen people say that Wooly doesn't react to the meatman or Hameln, but I think he does it's just more subtle. I don't know what else to say here, the clip goes by so fast.
Meatman: Again, both of them react to this. Amanda immediately gets pissed. And like, reasonably so. I've heard that the game won't let you progress past this point if you do this apparently, so like... the meatman is serious. Wooly looks shocked and then immediately motions at us not to say that. But like, it's a different surprise then when you answer "Wooly" he seems horrified. Like this is a pretty messed up thing to say. I'm not 100% sure what the meatman's deal is but like... both Amanda and Wooly seem to dislike him in the first and second game. Also is it just me or is it kind of odd that they only dislike the butcher? Like, there are variants of him in all the shops in the first game and Wooly and Amanda don't really seem to mind him, but they both don't like being in the butcher's. When only the meatman's buildings appear, Wooly looks pretty concerned, and then really scared when they enter, and asks her to take them someplace else. Amanda has a full-blown meltdown over not wanting to go in and when we enter she screams at us to let her out. I find this scene interesting because I don't think either of them are in control. Wooly is trying to distract her from Kate's death (or at least that's what I think the "something bad happened" means) by going a bit off-script and controlling the story a little. It doesn't seem like he was the one who messed with the stores. Amanda didn't either. What if this was the meatman? Like... punishing them for going off script by like reminding them of his looming presence or whatever? Idk. That whole scene was WEIRD in hindsight. Even though we never enter the butcher shop in the second game, his presence looms over us the entire time. Almost makes me think he's the real one put in their too keep the kids under control. They are both terrified of him after all and he seems to be connected with the surgeon who trapped them in there. Sorry this got a bit on topic but I think I might be getting somewhere.
But let's move on to the answers for the "what scares you" question.
"Amanda" or "you" - Question, has anyone tried Rebecca? I've only seen the answer compilations use "amanda" or "you". Amanda breaks our heart here by being hurt that after all this time we're still afraid of her. Ouch.
Hameln - Amanda gets terrified and says not to bring them up. I think Hameln is definitely watching these tapes.
Meatman - Wooly finally reacts to something, and bro is freaked out. Idk if it's by the mention of the meatman, Amanda's anger or both. Honestly, I have no idea why her anger spells still freak them out. I guess it is pretty scary, but I feel like he should be used to it at this point. Also she can't kill him, so what is he afraid of? He doesn't seem to be worried about being the one who makes her angry anymore, but he still gets freaked out when we do it? Weird. Anyway, I find it interesting that Amanda has spent the whole first game trying to tell us all about what happened, but she draws the line at the meatman and Hameln. Wooly wasn't there to stop her before, and she still didn't want to discuss it. Honestly, it doesn't feel like she's been as eager to tell us much in this game, despite trusting us. I mean she's told us plenty about Sam and Kate, so I don't think it's that she doesn't trust us. I think she doesn't want to remember things about Hameln or the meatman. She wanted to remember who she was, she wanted to remember Sam, she wanted to remember Kate and she wanted to know what happened to her... but somehow she draws the line here. Then we see the glitches of the surgery room and the mouth. I really do agree with the theories that the meatman is connected with the people who put her and Wooly into the show. That said... why is he there? That's what I don't get. I think I might be cooking with my earlier theory though no?
Wooly - Odd. He doesn't even look hurt, just confused. We can clearly see here that Amanda is not at all afraid of Wooly, so like I don't think he's like a Hameln worker. The meatman absolutely is though. We are not hating on the meatman enough guys. DOWN WITH THAT- Anyway.
Actually the whole point of this post was to talk about what Amanda says about how we were a stranger when we met her. I think this is really important to note. Because Amanda knew Kate long before she was Amanda. Possibly before "Amanda the Adventurer" even came to be. Of course Amanda trusted her. But she didn't know Riley. She tells us that she trusts us. This is HUGE. I mean, considering everything Amanda has been through. She barely knows us. She has EVERY DANG REASON not to trust us. Heck, I think that could be what Wooly means when he says she shouldn't talk to strangers. Because "not talking to strangers" doesn't make sense in this context. The viewer is a stranger, but if they didn't ever interact with the viewer they wouldn't have a show so Wooly's comment makes no sense. And yet, despite everything, she trusts us. Wooly looks kinda sad when she says she trusts us, probably because she trusted him once too, now she won't listen to a thing he says.
Then Joanne (I swear to god I got so mad at her in this scene) calls us and Amanda looks kind of sad when she hears that. Then looks really sad when Joanne says "that thing" I think Joanne was referring to the Wooly monster but Amanda doesn't know that. Then the possum appears and they both get really mad at it (and us for letting it mess with them). It's made very clear that both of them genuinely don't know who this guy is. It's funny because usually Amanda is the one asking us to get rid of him but this time it's Wooly.
And then let's talk about how COORDINATED THESE TWO WERE OMG. All it took was a look and a nod and they were already on the same page. If we don't help them, they manage to beat this guy up all on their own and mind you, not a single word is exchanged of a plan, they just work together. They just do it. And they do it so freaking well. Remember my Hameln theory? About how Hameln doesn't want these two on the same team because you know... two kids who can control demons who have every reason to hate Hameln and then there's THIS. When they get along they work so freaking well together. Could you imagine if they both decided to team up with their demons and beat the crap out of Hameln? Is there even a chance to be stood here? Honestly, I was also thinking, I think Hameln picked whoever Wooly is specifically for his avoidant personality, knowing that these two would clash. But clearly they don't have to.
Oh yeah, then they both get pissed AT US. I don't think we've actually seen Wooly get THIS mad at us. Like there was the time in the storybook tape but like he was not this mad. He's like... Amanda level mad here. Then they pick up the possum and throw him in the trash with still very minimal communication and ALL THE COORDINATION.
Then in the version where we do help, Amanda actually agrees with Wooly's sentiment that some strangers CAN be scary. Then without a word they both pick him up and throw him in the trash. BRO THE COORDINATION BETWEEN THESE TWO WHEN THEY WORK TOGETHER IS INSANE I NEED MORE OF IT ITS SO SMOOTH AND PLEASANT TO WATCH. Then Wooly asks if they can go home and Amanda playfully teases him "What are you scared?" Then he kinda makes this face like "yeah kinda" and she's like "c'mon let's go." she sounds a lot less annoyed with his presence then usual. Like still annoyed but also like she's kinda okay with it?
This deserves it's whole entire own post but like... I feel like gradually their relationship has improved over the course of this game. Like Amanda still doesn't trust him, there's still some rough stuff they need to work through, but she's starting to let him in again. Just a little. She's more okay with him being there. And I think people tend to overlook this when they say Wooly is evil. If Wooly was evil, why are they starting to get along again, (I mean they aren't besties again but like it's definitely a start and you can't ignore that.) Shouldn't Amanda continue to hate his guts? Instead she's actually agreed with him on some things, and they've helped each other out a bit. Like I said this is probably going to get it's own post at some point so I'll leave it here for now.
Holy crap did you actually read all this? OMG thanks. I did not realize I wrote so much WOW. BTW, I was watching those "all answers" videos along with a zero-commentary playthrough of the original so like, I'm not pulling this from memory at all.
#amanda the adventurer#amanda the adventurer 2#wooly the sheep#amanda the adventurer wooly#amanda the adventurer theory#maddykpost#ata 2#rebecca colton#sam colton#kate park
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life update: i am connecting the dots. it’s all coming together. my brain is huge. i see patterns everywhere. i am a genius.
but it would seem that the picture that is being painted is that i am most likely disabled. yippee.
#warning im ranting in the tags#i've got conflicted feelings about it#it's honestly somewhat relieving to finally be able to point at a probable cause for all my symptoms#all signs point towards me having ehlers danlos#including but not limited to:#joints that are constantly sore and clicking and sliding out of place (that last one specifically applies to my hips knees and thumbs)#like. the pain got so bad my mother finally let me get a knee brace for it#chronic fatigue#hypermobility in my younger years (less flexible overall now but my joints stayed bendy)#digestive issues and dizziness#and bruising easily#oh also autism#i feel bad for feeling sad and scared about it i guess#bc being disabled isn't bad#but i guess i was secretly worried about becoming disabled myself all along?#and i'm still scared it'll get worse#i feel like such a bad person#lotta emotions on this fine pi day
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(vent in the tags and under the cut. don’t read if you don’t want.)
sometimes i wonder if people would care if i was gone. there’s just no point anymore tbh.
#tw sui ideation#its honestly just been going through my head for a while#the past two weeks my parents haven’t talked about anything besides my brother#i kinda just feel like i’ve been forgotten in a way#i just feel lonely i guess#and i hate it#it’s just one of those days where i feel lethargic and just numb frankly#and i’m tying to keep posting because it’s not fair that others who don’t give a shit have to read my vents#but i just can’t do this anymore#i’m going through a lot rn#between yesterday and my dog being sick and school starting and my grandma getting surgery and having to move in with my family#it’s all just a lot rn#and sometimes i just think about it and i just hate it#i hate having dark thoughts like this#i’ve been my only therapist because i can’t talk to my parents#i can’t talk to them about this stuff or they’ll just give me the “you can be sad but you can’t pack up and live there” bullshit#I DIDNT FUCKING ASK FOR THIS#that pisses me off so bad#i didn’t fucking ask to have suicidal thoughts?#sometimes i’ll just choke myself with my dog’s leash as a form of punishment because it just makes me feel good#atp i don’t care if i go too far because it’s not worth it anymore#it just doesn’t feel like life’s worth living#there’s nothing to enjoy or look forward to atp#i just need a friend#i’m so tired of being there for people and then having to turn back to myself when i have an issue because im too cowardly to open up#i’m scared#i don’t have it bad like i don’t know why i feel like this#i have a good life#i’m just being a brat#i dunno
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MADI MADI MADI whos ur fav mighty nein characters/rank them :0!!
*Cracks knuckles* Okay so to preface this, I love all of the Mighty Nein. Absolutely love all of them, it is my comfort D&D Campaign along with other D&D campaigns like Misfits & Magic or Escape from the Bloodkeep like it is the first D&D campaign I finished and it makes me so emotional to think about them. I almost have all their origin comics (I need Caduceus' to arrive in the mail (HE'S ON HIS WAY I GOT THE EMIAL NOW) and then I'm set unless we get an Essek one.)
But like in Terms of my favorites? I am a Strong Caleb Widogast, Essek Thelyss, Jester Lavorre, and Caduceus Clay enjoyer.
My love for Caleb started because he had a cat man. I love cats, and so of course I was immediately intrigued AND THEN WE GET TO HIS ANGST AND OOOOO- it's also the way his character alignment changes throughout the campaign and how he grows and heals and that concept is what I really love from the Mighty Nein. The way they all grow and become better as the story goes on, especially after Molly like :(
That being said Essek I love because this man committed War Crimes but then is revealed to have no friends and that his favorite food is soup LIKE he's such a good character to show what effect the mighty nein has on people that come into their mists because he was supposed to be an evil NPC, his alignment was/is evil, but the mighty nein (especially Jester) took one look at him and went "you're our friend now!" Like the nein love Essek and are really showing that the power of friendship can in fact be good for you!! Plus his and Caleb's Dynamic is so fun please I love him.
Jester is because she's quite literally me. If I had to pick two people that I probably am out of the Mighty Nein due to just what people have said and my own analysis, Her and Caleb are me coded. She's an Artist! (which I do have Critical role art on here you would just have to find it on here somewhere I haven't drawn the nein in a hot minute-), she's silly, she loves her friends, she's lonely, she's literally me! PLUS THE FACT SHE DOESN'T LIKE HEALING AS A CLERIC IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER- but when she does heal she is godly at it!! PLUS HER AND ARTY'S WHOLE DEAL, THE WHOLE BELIEVING IN HIM ENOUGH AND HELPING HIM GAIN ENOUGH SUPPORTERS TO BE ELEVATED INTO A FALSE GODHOOD STATUS LIKE IT'S SOOOOOOO- I know it's because Laura wanted to play a Warlock and Travis yoinked that so she didn't BUT OH IT WAS SO FUN TO SEE THAT UNFOLD-
and then Caduceus is because I love Clerics so much. I love playing Clerics, I love watching people play Clerics, just Clerics are high tier for me. (Then again I just love spell casters in general,,, as you can see from this list) but there is something about this Firbolg who just loves his family and was raised in a graveyard and has dead people tea on hand and is just the silliest. He may not be smart but he is wise and his and Fjord's bond while Fjord was trying to find a new patron and Caduceus was like "I think Melora will like you :3" LIKE god their friendship is so fun. PLUS HE'S CANONICALLY AROACE AND LIKE YOU LOVE TO SEE IT!! just god I love the Mighty Nein so much they are everything to me!!
#madi answers#Madi Rambles#I can not rank them because I would feel bad putting any of them in the last slot cause they're all good in their own way#like Nott's whole story and how she was coping like girlie baby#and also Beau's whole story makes me sad LIKE GIRLIE#AND YASHA AAAAAAA Yasha's has a chokehold on me because Grief and Aasimar and finding redemption AND CAN YOU TELL WHAT STUFF I LIKE???#This is part of the reason to never let me talk about Bruce Wayne you'll just get an Essay on Grief and Jay and Ru have already gotten it#I guess my ones I don't brain rot about the most are gonna have to be Nott and Molly but that's because Ru is the Big Molly fan so There's#already brain cells going into that character's lore#and also his jacket (which was not originally his per his origin comic) is so hard to draw it scares me but I love Molly's design so much s#it's a double edged sword#other then that I love them all and any mention of the mighty nein I eat it up so much
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wheres the "why is it so saaaad" image with the cat with big sopping watering eyes ouauauuugh how I feel is the embodiment of that
#ow....... my heart 🥹#im not even really sad about anything specific its just been such a long week. and probably the comedown is enhancing it#i just want to cry snottily into someones shirt for like half an hour and maybe ill be okay#its just so haaaard. and i think the meds do help a bit but it still takes effort on my part too. and it sucks a ljttle bit that theyll-#take a while to get used to and maybe therell still be some side effects anyway. and also they could be stopped by shortages at any time#i guess it just scares me a bit the idea of depending on smth like medication just to get a little closer to being a functional human#i wish that came with existing already.. but no point lamenting abt it. the cards have been dealt and its not all that bad really#i just want to be happy.... not all the time but maybe a solid 60-70% of the time. if thats not too much. dont we all girl!!#ah my life is pretty good as it is though and i have a lot to be grateful for. but im allowed to want a little more... right 🥹#im going to go to beddddd. hopefully ill sleep better tonight and tomorrow will be a nice day. at least i dont have to work yayy#ahhh. also its my birthday soon and it always makes me sad coming up to and having a birthday i dont know why..#i dont mind getting older but i guess it makes me feel quite reflective and sometimes its hard to think about the past/future#i want to be able to celebrate birthdays and let people be nice to me and have fun about it! and i say every year ill try better at it#but i never manage to get there it always feels like too much to ask for and too much to take.. ah. well its okay really#ill make myself a cake and do smth fun. and have a good cry at some point but thats just part of the day#not for another few weeks anyway.. okay 10pm lights out zzzz#.diaries
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Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(
#mine#oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times#but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry#like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie#im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc#i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me#thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related#anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that#ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired#// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always#because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life#like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing#me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little#so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die#every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt.#well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he#is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him#every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again#but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh#i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT#I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time#like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me#he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do#he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away
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:(
#mm#not feeling good#my family had an impromptu talk about my sibs new job and it was. not good#bc if they move out we can't really afford the house anymore#bc dad wants to live closer to me#and i hate the feeling that my sib has to stay at a job they hate just bc dad wants to live near me#idk thats not really whats happening but#it feels like it#and were cleaning but not very well#if we had to sell the house im not even sure if were *able* to clean it enough to move out#sometimes the disability truly be disabling#idk. makes me sad about my mom#i dont know what would be different if she was here#i guess it doesnt really matter#the whole thing makes me feel like a useless and spoiled youngest child#idk. i hate hate hate the idea that im 'the favorite'#i just. i hate that#i dont WANT things to revolve around me i want things to be good for everyone#maybe its self centered to even think things are skewed toward me in the first place#but im really scared thats what my siblings think and it makes them feel bad#negative#vent
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Yeah unfortunately "autistic" IS now what many awful people use to mean "irredeemable failure"/"stupid"/"weird"/"unapproachable"/"socially inept" nowadays. So even that may not help.
Especially sucks when you see neurotypical people adopting the more positive traits associated w autism and then bully you for actually being on the spectrum and making you feel like “well if they can act the same way I do minus the bad stuff ig I really am useless and not special at all really” so then "poof!" your silver lining is gone too.
Not telling your kid they have a learning disability, chronic illness, mental illness etc. so they can “feel normal” actually does the opposite. They will not feel normal if they do not have the context to understand that their normal will be different from that of their peers.
#This one girl in my cosmo class (19) kept talking abt how much she wants slime & loves “childish things” & buys kid's shoes & plays Roblox#and “stimming” and was always doing “the Fortnite kid voice”#and then said I'm “too old” to hang out with her (I was 25 now 26) and I'm “acting like a child” and#“can't pick up on social cues” after I asked to hang out with her and got sad from the specific way she rejected my invitation#ngl I have to wonder if she was jealous I look a lot younger than she does? Maybe my test scores were better than hers? (she graded tests)#it's BECAUSE I didn't socialize that I could put all my time to study & practice! U can't expect so much of urself while also having fun!#I guess I'm not too bothered considering it's obvious looking back that she had some weird fixation on deliberately remaining as childlike#as possible not just incidentally so what she said appears to be major projection. And it honestly is kind of weird to think about how she#was trying to tell me I was too old to hang out with her when she plays with literal 9 yos on a video game-#Like girl....all these things put together are not looking good....I'm scared for your mental health once you age further#phoo! feels good to get that off my chest and talk a little shit lol#I was trying to force kindness about it for so long even on a mental level so...yeah#now that I'm able to process it naturally I do actually feel bad for her. I wonder if she got subjected to a lot of toxic media#and creeps that like to emphasize how temporary it is to be “young and beautiful” :/
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#trying not to be depressed even tho I’m exhibiting my depressed behaviour#came home and slept from 2:30-8….#haven’t done that in soooooo long it feels good but also bad#don’t want to be going through it#scared! to pull myself out of it#feeling sad bc nothing for national gf day lol and then pookie w other gf tonight#well this weekend#seeing her n her family and meeting extended family#and trying not to get down bout it bc I don’t want them to meet my family if I won’t meet theirs#and we’ve already had that convo where I will not meet their family or some of their friends bc they don’t pookie is poly#so it’s just ummmm hard I guess#bc i feel like a dirty little secret sometimes#even though my family KNOWS about my partner I don’t want them to meet …..#is that bad?#personal
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its times like this when i really wish i had an SO's shoulder to cry on
Because I think i factrued/sprained my foot the other day it happened wednesday but its still pretty swollen and pops when i try to walk on it without hobbling. i know i signed up for health insurance through work. i wrote down the insurance company name as Bayside and I have my personal insurance id number but the card never came in/got lost in the mail (and i already called for one replacement that never came so idk if theyll send me a third) so i cant confirm the insurance name nor call them, but i need to because ive called/visited 5 health care facilities around me and NONE of them have even heard of Bayside. So im calling the phone number that my manager provided me with telling me that was the insurance company. I keep calling the number (and mind you ive called them before to try to get a second insurance card sent to me but that was in like April) and i get that its saturday but theres no answer and the stupid automated machine wont let me leave a voicemail. the automated answering voice on the phone also says that theyre called National Benefit Plans by SafetyNet and google says the phone number im using belongs to National Benefit Plans out in San Antonio Tx (i live no where near there). I found National Benefit Plans' website on SafetyNetPlus dot com but National Benefit Plans doesnt have their own website, just through SafetyNet, and also the SafetyNet website says on a side panel that "this is NOT insurance" and instead keeps saying "health benefits" instead so idk what the fuck ive been paying for for the last 6 months tbh and im having an emotional breakdown bc i dont want to fuck my foot up for life just cause i couldnt figure out my health insurance/benefits shit
#ive been fucking sobbing on the phone for 20 minutes calling the phone number over and over again#im about to mcfucking lose it and im sad and confused and scared because my foot is still so swollen even though it doesnt hurt very much#and google says if swelling on an injury like this persists after 48 hours to go get it looked at#all the walkin clinics near me dont have any xray techs til monday & quoted me anywhere from $130-$300 if i dont have insurance which i can#provide proof of nor am i even sure i actually have at this point and im ngl my guys i only have like $180 to my name until next friday#but then basically my entire next paycheck is going to Geico#and overall im just having a really really really bad time rn and im scared that if my foot is actually fractured im gonna fuck it up worse#by walking around on it without a boot/cast. yeah ive been sitting at work the last few days#but its front desk at a hotel so at least for the first hour of my shift and last 1.5 hours i HAVE to be standing#my foot was so swollen after work today it hurt to get my shoe off#im just really fucking stressed and anxious and confused and im sitting here sobbing my eyes out realizing theres literally no one i can#call just to vent and cry it out with#cant call my mom cause i busted my foot leaving her place after her husband got in my face & screamed at me for saying you cant hit people#cant call my siblings cause none of them can help/we dont talk often enough that i feel like i can burden them with this#i have a few casual friends but same sitch im not close enough with them that i feel comfortable venting while sobbing to them#i could call my ex but shes got a new boo now/its not her problem/we rarely talk anymore/she cant help so no point in calling#only other person who knows/is worried about me is my ex's mom but she wont be home from work for break til 2pm & its 11:30am rn#not close enough to any of my coworkers either#its times like this that i realize how truly alone i am these days with no one that can physically comfort me#which of course is only making me more upset#thats what i get for being depressed and reclusive the last 2 years and only letting people get an arms length reach from me emotionally#there is a medical clinic i can go to that is a 50 minute drive from me and without insurance you just pay a $20 sliding fee plus a little#extra for the care services but again theyre not open until monday and also its a 50 minute drive from me#so all im learning is i shouldve gone some place thursday morning after it happened and im fucked at least til monday#FUCK my STUPID BAKA life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#whatever. guess imma keep icing it try to keep it elevated and just endure it and hope it doesnt get worse#emma rambles#vent tag#DONT REBLOG
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Im gonna throw up im sick of feeling awful all the time
#dont want this to become a vent accoutn but i dont like venting on servers 😭#anyway i cant tell whats wrong with me. i dont even know if this is even depression i think i just really hate myself guys#because ive been depressed my whole life and i know what that feels like? maybe its a different kind. i got depression v2.0#but what do i even do about hating myself . like how do i even fix that.#i get mad at myself for not doing anything and then i actually accomplish something and im like. you didnt do it well enough? hello#i think one of my biggest current problems is that i dont like anything. like nothing is enjoyable to me anymore enough to commit to it#but i dont have anything else to do right now so im just sitting around wasting away and starting things but not finishing them#like what am i supposed to do. im not unhappy all the time but nothing is fun im just existing#i was joking but maybe I actually did unlock depression 2#which is another problem because none of my mental illnesses have ever been treated in a helpful way in my entire life#and i have some kind of if not multiple undiagnosed neurodivergences definitely. but im scared to try and get them diagnosed#because the last time i did i got told it was anxiety (IT WAS NOT I DONT HAVE ANXIETY ANYMORE AND I STILL HAVE THE SAME PROBLEMS)#and i cant even get anything done because i need help to do anything!#i feel so useless i cant do anything on my own because i just dont care enough id rather just like. sit here and die i guess#like im not even close to being s******* i know what thats like and its so much worse. thats part of why i feel so bad im not even that SAD#i just dont care. i think ssris fucked up my brain can i be real#oughh whatever. rant over back to playing pokemon#vent#talking#can i get an emotion. please one spare emotion#reading all of this back i truly think i just need to be pit on stimulants. but how do i get there i dont even have a psych rn...
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#i hate I hate I hate how deeply I feel things sometimes#not every little sad little thing needs to feel like a hole through my ribcage#I’m just so sick of feeling undesirable#jobs don’t want me#no one wants to commission me#nobody wants to try to start a new friendship with me#I feel like I can never say the right things#I get too excited and I talk too much and I say something that’s not Bad by any means but just a little bit odd#and it chases people away#I feel like every conversation I have is a series of blunders#I feel like someone doing a very poor cosplay of a human being#like the whole job search thing is so frustrating#but right now it’s especially just that I can’t make friends anymore#I’m just really lonely#I love love love my d&d group but they can’t hang out 24/7 and I get jealous of them having other friends#(not in a ‘hey you can only hang out with me’ way but in a ‘I wish I had other people too’ way#but I try to make friends with coworkers and they just kind of blow me off during conversations and seem very uninterested#that girl on YikYak bothered me more than I wanted to acknowledge and admit#idk I just got excited at the prospect of making a friend only to realize she decided I wasn’t someone she wanted to be friends with#I’m too scared to talk to anyone in classes and they’re all busy anyway#like even when I try to make friends through things like the D&D club people seem to brush me off#I know I can be A Lot#I’m clingy and talkative and have no filter and I’m horrible with social cues#I’m an acquired taste I guess#I just wish people irl cared enough to acquire it#and to be clear I don’t think any of y’all will really see this but if you do none of this is about you#I love you guys so much and you make me feel so loved and so welcome and so comfortable#I just wish I had that irl#I’m sick of being lonely
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The host's friends kinda scare me I'm gonna be honest
#.txt#Jovi 🎤#Or unnerve? Unnerve is probably a better word#Uh. No offense#We don't feel too hot I'm gonna be real#Clem is kinda. I feel like this would constitute as a psychotic breakdown but I don't know if my idea of it is correct#Or accurate or whatever#I was gonna say 'I don't know if I could describe it properly' but I don't know if I should be describing it in the first place#The moods he's circled through havw been 'angry at himself and/or other people' 'small and very very sad' or 'dazed and unaware'#Usually multiple at once though#We stayed home today if that says anything about how bad she's gotten#That wraps up everything I wanted to say I think#She's kind of scared that everyone hates her I don't think me avoiding his friends is helping but uh. What can you do eh#Wow I've talked a lot these tag things have gotten really long#Anyway what was I saying? I dunno just be cautious toward us I guess?#And if any of you do hate us like Clem's worried about you can drop your complaints in the suggestions box up front or somethin I dunno
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i don’t wanna have to be the one to reach out to people i think are cool to maybe try and strike up a friendship
i want people to look at me and be like ‘aw, yeah, that dweeb is pretty rad, actually, i wanna be their friend’ and then actually talk to me and then become friends with me
#it’s about the validation you see#it’s about me being worth something in the eyes of others and them wanting me around for me#not even in a bad mood rn. feeling p okay#just……lonely? i guess?#there are people i wanna be friends with but like….idk. if they actually wanted to be friends with me they’d reach out right?#it doesn’t count t if im the one to do it. then there’s a good chance they’re just humoring me or pitying me too much to be like ‘piss off’#but if they make the first move? that means i’m Somebody#though it’s not like i’d know what to do if anyone *was* like ‘bro you’re rad as hell’#other than nod silently and stare like o_o#so i guess im doomed to be a lonely emo kid forever……#someone once told me i have a skewed perception of myself but idk. if that were true….#i wouldn’t merely be tolerated#people would want me around. right?#i wouldn’t have to be the one to reach out.#but i am. and that’s kinda sad. in a pathetic way. yknow?#though i suppose this is kind of selfish….#im not even gonna entertain the idea that people actually look at me like ‘golly i sure wish they were *my* friend’#and secretly admire me but are too shy or scared or whatever to reach out#my imagination isn’t a bloody contortionist#i know im not so amazing as to have silent admirers#but i also know i kind of suck at talking irl so maybe my inability to respond like a human makes it seem like i despise the interaction#rather than the truth that i suck at talking. maybe people have tried and im just too big a dingus to realize#…#but i doubt it lol#to the void with love
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Too old to be a kid too young to be an adult just the right age to cry myself to sleep
#every day I want to give up and go back to my mom's house and apologize for leaving#I'm still powerless here but this is unfamiliar. at least I knew what to expect there#I still had people to avoid and I still didn't want to leave my room but at least I knew I wouldn't be kicked out if I broke a rule#I'm so scared and so sad and I feel so small and so alone#all I want is a home that is mine that I can feel safe and secure in that I can retreat to that I can have power in#All I want is the safety ans security to take a break and to take care of myself#I want to be able to focus on my health for a little while my mental health is so so bad and my stupid brain has realized that I only get#help when it's visible so whenever my mental health gets bad like this I have these constant terrible urges to tear myself apart#The ideas are so vivid and so constant I want to tear my skin to ribbons and break all of my bones and gouge my eyes out and bite my tongue#I want to claw up my face and bite off my fingers and snap each of my ribs#I get phantom aches all over and my body is so tense and wound up and my heart beats so hard for hours and hours#I want to slam my head into a brick wall until something cracks and I hate myself I hate myself for this I hate myself for my selfishness#and for my weakness and for my existence and I want to vomit up my guts and I want my suffering to be real and treatable#I want someone to save me from myself. I want the pain to go away. But there isnt pain is there because its all in my head#I'm doing this to myself just like I have my entire goddamn life. My mom says I was born in pain and cried nonstop for a whole year. Then I#grew out of it and I was perfect. except no I wasn't because I wrote big long notes in phonetic spirals about how I deserve to die.#isn't that a sign?? Isnt that a sign?? i was born this way and things will never get any better they will only change and change and change#and still hurt in ways that I cant prove that I will second guess because maybe they aren't real and I'm just stupid useless helpless weak#when I bleed I can ask someone for a bandaid. when I... exist like this. I can't ask for anything. What helps? What helps? nothing really.#being useless helps until it doesn't. I have to work to pay for the chemicals that barely help. Why do innocent people die every day and not#me. when I pray for it. When I beg. And I'm not afraid to walk alone at night because NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS TO ME. Because I'm so lucky.#Soooo lucky. it isnt fair. She deserves it more than me. who? pick. anyone. Someone who wants it. Maybe who I could have been if I were#better. Not me. I dont get hurt. I dont get lost. I dont die. Maybe I cant maybe I never will. I'm more afraid of having to live like this.#My life is always on the line of not quite not quite and I never need help and I always need help and I'm never enough and I'm average.#the standard. the center. Above me dont need and below me do and I? What do I? both. neither. I shouldn't exist. It hurts to exist like this#in between. I should be able to do this myself. I'm the worst player on the best team and the best player on the worst and I don't fit in#either and everyone hates me for being one or the other and I can never be better so I want to be worse and thats my whole life in one#sentiment. I'm always at the bar and I can never get over it. I've been begging forever please lower your expectations I cant do better than#this. so I'll do worse. I'll make myself worse. I deserve it anyway. I'll be more scars than skin and more pain than person and then maybe#I'll belong somewhere god fucking knows even if its a padded room I could belong somewhere.
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this doesn't feel fair
#➳ valentin vents#so much i could say. not that there's a point in saying anything. but also not that that's ever stopped me.#i knew it'd end. i knew i wouldn't be able to handle staying friends. but it still feels unfair.#i keep cycling through ''i am literally so chill i am vibing'' - ''ok i'm kinda sad but thats ok'' n ''throbbing chest pain why why why''#i don't know what i want. i can't think of a solution to feeling this way. all i can do is wait but i want to feel better now.#there was no way to fix things as there was nothing to be fixed.#but it still hurts. i'm still jealous. that's all i'm good at being.#i'm sad but i don't know why i'm sad. if i stop and really think i should only be a little sad.#i want to be angry but there's nobody to reasonably be angry at. nobody's done anything wrong.#i can only imagine how i'm the only one feeling this way lmao#maybe that's another of my ''source my anxiety told me'' thoughts but#i also just can't imagine why someone would actually be upset no longer having me in their life?#especially when there's other beings. there's someone else. there always has been.#i don't even know what i wantttt#i don't want to date again. bad idea. i'm too scared. i need to recover. i should focus on myself.#but i don't want to be alone. it's terrible.#i don't regret anything. i think. it's not like with my abuser where i regret each and every thing.#it was a good thing. if nothing else i know more about my needs. i know how to have courage to bring up issues.#i know when it's time to stop trying and to let go. i guess.#idk oh my god this is a fucking novel#again heyy could be worse. if uu think this is annoying ya'll should've seen me while i was w my abuser JDJFKJDNJD#i'd literally vent like every day abt him. which honestly fair he gave me a lot of trust issues. but rip to everybun who knew me in 2022 fr#* ok i have realized it's like. the exact same so far bc i've kept venting abt this LMFAOOO but uhh.#the venting back then was MUCH more colorfully worded and often. and less somber more ''i fucking hate c's guts i want that [insults] DEAD'#and like every 30 minutes. at least ya'll r getting pauses between my annoying ass posts HJDHJFH
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