#i feel a bit bad when i only post hr but

[cathalbravecog]

high roller posting continues - parent of world's most chuckable kids that spawn out of nowhere

[bonetrousledbones]

its not unusual at this point for me to go several days and occasionally weeks without posting here BUT this time i'm going to have a good excuse and her name is hurricane helene and she sucks and i hate her

[celestialmancer]

☁️ // 10:50 pm

Ngl sometimes i do… Kinda miss running my J$@B AU blog, pandemonicparadise—Idk, I was gonna write out more backstory lore & everything for it & each of the chars for the blog, & the interactivity it had was fun…

…

But… Personally I’m keeping it all to myself/keeping said AU private now bc just. You get tired of having a fandom disrespect your wishes as an artist over & over & also behave really weirdly towards you

I’ve got STORIES of the way the fandom was but I won’t get into that hot mess lmao, but, still… the worst of it honestly was having some get weird w my sona bc for some reason they���ve repeatedly been a magnet for some nasty shit before which I don’t understand??? Just like me they too don’t catch a break (i say that lightheartedly but also 💀 )

Idk. I know I’m not bringing the blog back for the most part (if I did I won’t announce it & it’ll be a friends only will know thing) cause I refuse, but it just is one of these reminiscing on what I was going to run for the AU i was setting up & all ig. & A bit sad things were ruined but tbh this is for the better it not return esp when my interests are N|S|R now & have been for like. Soon to be 4 years now

At least soon I’ll have my ask blog up for charter AU Ishtar & Zion tho. Which ig its just, wanting that interactivity & stuff through a blog that is what I’d want lmao plus I can go into maybe exploring their charter AU selves, since I never really get to do that so.

Idk if it’ll rly get any interactivity tho but yknow still doesn’t hurt. Admittedly I’ll… probs run it more like an rp blog in terms of blog style (similar to how I was w pandemonicparadise) bc thats what I’m used to? That, & chronic illness doesn’t always make it easy for me to draw in response to asks. Still will draw for some when i have time & energy. But yeah

[ddejavvu]

criminal minds request:

Hotch and reader have a some tension between them ever since reader joined the team. They never acted upon it knowing that the relationship would be the hr nightmare.

They live in the same complex and reader is spending the night with someone from the bar and Aaron interrupts with the news of a case.

I love your writing btw

thanks! <3

this post is 18+, minors dni.

Aaron's been inside of your apartment only a few times before, but he could walk there in his sleep. That's almost what he wishes he was doing, instead of marching towards your door at one thirty-six in the morning, but duty calls, and though he'd tried to do the same, you hadn't answered your phone.

When he reaches your door Aaron can hear faint noise inside, and something like annoyance prickles at his chest at the thought that you'd ignored his phone call to watch television. But he finds himself seldom able to feel anything but secretly fond of you, so he tries to give you the benefit of the doubt.

What the door opens to is far worse than television. Instead of the faint glow of a screen lighting the couch, Aaron is met with the sight of a man, mostly naked and only draped in a sheet. Your sheet.

This man was in your bed.

"Yeah?" He asks, rather rudely, "It's the middle of the night, man. What do you want?"

He suspects you've asked the man to answer the door because you don't want to do it yourself, appearing alone at night in most likely very little clothing. Aaron commends you on your survival skills, but can't shake the feeling that he suddenly wants to try his hand at murder.

"I'm Y/N's boss," Aaron mutters, eyes set in a sharp glare, "She's needed at the office."

"Man, fuck off," Your houseguest scoffs, "That's not gonna work on me. Leave her alone, you creep, or at least come back with a better lie next time."

The man tries swinging the door shut, but before Aaron can wedge the freshly polished toe of his shoe into the gap, you squeal from down the hallway.

"Hotch?"

"We have a case," Aaron barks, voice still rough at the presence of the other man present, "You didn't answer your phone."

"I'm sorry!" You come running down the hallway while wrestling with the waistband of sweatpants Aaron hopes are your own, fully clothed in those and a tank top as you reach the door.

"Uh, Dominic, this is- he's my boss," You pat the man's bare back apologetically where you sidle up beside him, "I have to go."

Dominic doesn't seem to be particularly kind to anyone, Aaron muses. The man rounds on you with a furrow in his brow that Aaron doesn't like one bit, "Seriously? Some suited-up fuck comes to your door in the middle of the night and you just run off with him?"

"It's my job," You plead earnestly, "I'm sorry! It's just bad timing."

"Whatever." Dominic grumbles, turning to stalk off down the hallway to retrieve his clothes, "Bad timing my ass."

Neither you nor Hotch decide to tell him that you can see the very thing he speaks of. He's only holding the towel over his front half, and the back half being completely exposed doesn't help the tough-guy persona he's trying to put on as he storms off.

"I'm sorry," You breathe, sounding truly apologetic as Aaron stands in your doorway, "I didn't hear my phone ring, I was- we were... well. I'll be dressed and ready in, like, ten minutes." You vow, "I just need to get him out of here."

Aaron's not sure he can manage to speak after your admission, because up until now he'd been trying to pretend there was somehow some other reason for there to be a naked man crawling out of your bed at two in the morning.

All he can muster is a terse nod, and you take it as disapproval rather than a bruised heart. You rush off to get changed, and Aaron hears Dominic bicker with you before he storms his way out of the hallway and through the door. Aaron doesn't move as he passes through, and Dominic runs into his broad shoulders. Aaron keeps his balance steady, not sparing Dominic a glance as the man makes a fool of himself on the way out.

"She's not even worth it, man," Dominic sneers at Hotch from down the hall, "She must be some kinda whore. Called me the wrong fucking name, like she does this every night. Aaron must have been the last guy."

Hotch is stuck. If he hadn't heard his own name escape Dominic's mouth he'd have used what he's learned as a serial killer specialist to dispose of Dominic's remains without ever being caught. He doesn't like the way that the man spoke of you one bit, but when he hears you've been speaking of him, his spine stiffens and his legs lock into place.

"Tell her I hope Aaron likes her mediocre tits more than I did!" Dominic shouts as a sendoff, and Aaron knows for a fact that he does. Mediocre is the last word he'd use to describe them, but he respects you and won't dwell on what term would be best.

Aaron almost regrets seeing Dominic leave, because he'd have liked to grill the man on exactly what went down in there. How did you say his name? When did you say his name? Did you say his name when glancing over at your ringing phone, and ultimately deciding to ignore it? Or did you say his name through an open-mouthed moan, sweat beading on your hairline and certainly-not-mediocre tits bouncing wildly with each thrust?

Aaron's head is so clouded with thoughts of your fucked-out, sex-hazy state that he's startled to feel your hand on his arm, and he tugs it out of your grasp, jerking away like he's been burned. Sure, his skin is on fire where you've touched him, but only because he wishes you'd do it more, especially in other places.

You take his reluctance to be touched as a bad sign, and your face dims into a hesitant frown as you stand at the ready by Hotch's side.

"I'm sorry, Hotch," You murmur, tucking your hand into the jacket that you're clutching now that you feel you've made a fool out of yourself, "Um- it won't happen again, sir."

He wants to kiss you. He wants to duck inside, slam your door shut, and press you against the inside, demanding a detailed account of why his name had fallen from your lips earlier in the heat of the moment. But he can't, he knows he can't, and he has to blink at your forlorn expression instead, feet heavy as he drags them away from your door, like magnets trying to pull him to your bedroom.

"No need for apologies, Agent." He grits his teeth, "What you do in your free time-" like moan my name "-is your business. Let's go, we're briefing on the plane; wheels up in thirty."

[ianr36]

I will miss all of you but I think I’ve come to the conclusion that most here are bots. I really don’t get it! lol I will be deleting this app, and going old school face to face.

I’ve been nailed with requests for money looking over the fact that I’m looking for something real.

I feel sorry for all the fat short hairy guys with the little dicks that fall for this shit. You are the ones that are crying about being scammed so get to know them a bit -& ask some basic questions.

Also think with your head not your D. Not your ego. Be comfortable in your own skin. Have some discernment. The first question should be if most people in middle school have cell phones. Why do you not?

Q-Why don’t you have a mobile?

A-it broke, got stolen and the best one is it doesn’t matter. Lmfao!

(My kids have had one since 8?)

-I love you!

(Oh really? Even though we’ve never spoke)

-I’m not like the other girls.

(Yet you use the same script?) Holy wow!

Damn I imagine there are multiple call centers and as a business man I can respect that but as a human I cannot. So I cannot participate in this $hit! This is slavery and I can’t do it!

Both sides are being fed lies (bot, hooker or John) and it’s a shame that a platform that has the possibility to facilitate real change to occur, is being bulldozed by losers that don’t care about human lives.

Before you reply- please look at my previous posts regarding this and at a minimum let’s have some adult discourse

If you’ve gotten thus far, then you realize that I love humans I don’t care what gender you are. I fought for you in war multiple times.

You can say whatever you want whenever you want and I will always fight for that right for everyone.

Just don’t lie and try to play people that you don’t know- that this is a charade. it’s so easily identifiable.

Furthermore, why would you not want somebody to care for you? That’s intelligent enough to identify it if you were actually real? That’s a reasonable question right?

Let’s hear it? I want to think that a lot of you want true love, just cause I’ve been hurt before doesn’t mean I will be hurt again. That’s like someone trying to say that I tried to go in a business once and it didn’t work so I just gave up and went to slutting myself out.

If you just wanna slut yourself out there and treat yourself as a used tire-to each their own I’m all about that! Do what you do! I’m not a KIA.

But if you think for a moment that a guy who signed up to die for his country & opens doors for people and loves everyone no matter what can turn off the desire for wanting to spoil a special human, then please readiness that. Ffor anyone that is real on here and realizes that I am an open book and we could probably learn a lot from one another and grow together. I’m game for that conversation.. I feel so bad, but maybe I’m the one who needs to read more books! I’m game to talk for the next 24 hrs before I delete this app

But I have to be very upfront that I only like feminine women and that doesn’t matter what gender you were assigned to when you were born I don’t care bc I’ve dated models that are boring and numb and some girls that are amazing but I’m not desperate and I know my girl is out there.

(Sorry a lot of this was voice to text so if you have questions ask)

[itsclydebitches]

I haven’t read a whole lot of TMA fic, so I’m sure this already exists somewhere, but I really want a time travel fic where Jon goes back to Gertrude’s era.

So it’s 2007-ish, before his younger counterpart has started working at the Institute, but years into Elias and Gertrude’s tenure. They’re having a normal day serving the semi-omniscient fear god when a fucking full-fledged avatar of the Beholding - complete with a small mountain of tapes - falls through a rift in space-time and crash lands on Gertrude’s desk.

(Season 5 Jon might have decided not to kill Helen and instead used her to get here. If he ever sees her again they’re going to have A Talk™ about her choice of transportation.)

For the record, a hot mess of a man falling from the sky indoors is only like... the eighth most interesting thing to happen to Gertrude this week. Still, it’s clear he’s not entirely human - one gets a sense for these things, even without a giant eyeball’s help - and she’s got a knife on him faster than you can say “Statement.” This doesn’t seem to faze the man.

That annoys the fuck out of Gertrude.

Meanwhile, Elias has nearly passed out from the supernatural alarm bells going off in his head because the Ceaseless Watcher’s special little boy is here!!! What does that mean? Hell if he knows, but this man is ALIGHT with the Entities’ marks, just dripping with the power of the Eye, and Elias finds he has the sudden urge to drop to his knees before this stranger, something he’s only ever done post-Watcher’s Crown.

(This might be a Jonlias fic, whoops.)

Elias, seeing The Archivist for the first time: 😍😍😍😍😍

Gertrude, seeing The Archivist for the first time: 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪

So after introductions Jon is all, “Yes, I’m an eldritch monster that’s forced to feed off the trauma of others, but I’m your eldritch monster. Please, Gertrude, I’d like nothing more than to carve out Magnus’ heart with you so he can’t destroy the whole fucking world.”

Elias, suddenly experiencing true fear for the first time in decades, feeding the Eye and being fed in turn and basically entering a feedback loop where this powerful stranger threatening to murder him is the hottest thing he’s ever Seen: !!!!! 💖💞😱!!!!!🤩😊💚!!!!!

And at first Gertrude’s like hell no, not having any more goddamn avatars in my archives thank you, but then the trio passes young intern Sasha James (shhh don’t worry if that fits the timeline) and Jon looses it. The hold that the Stranger had on him in his original timeline has broken and he’s able to recognize this as the real Sasha - her face, her voice, her very panicked looks towards her bosses as this random man sobs into her shoulder. And Gertrude’s like dammit, clearly The Archivist still has some of his humanity left. No true Fear monster would ever willingly be that embarrassing.

After prying Jon away from Sasha and promising her a raise to avoid any HR reports, they get the whole long, traumatic story out of him, but any plans to just permanently kill Elias kinda... sputter out. It’s a little bit of a Web thing, a little bit of a time travel thing, and a little bit of Jon just feeling... wrong when he considers it, no matter what he’s told Gertrude. It’s similar to when he let Annabelle live, though Elias has done absolutely fuck-all to earn his mercy. This confuses Jon, though it’s pretty far down on his list of worries.

The good news is that Jon’s mere presence puts a permanent wrench in Elias’ plans. He’s never going to repeat the ritual to open the door, obviously, and good fucking luck marking another archivist while he’s Watching. Given Jon’s suspicions that he became semi-immortal after waking from his coma, he’ll be Watching a damn long time, you megalomaniacal bastard.

The bad news is that since Elias can no longer plot an intricate manipulation, he’s decided that the next best thing is to just convince Jon to bring about the end of the world willingly.

By wooing him.

Elias: “We can be Kings of a ruined world together, Jon~”

Gertrude: “I am not paid enough for this.”

So begins the office romance comedy of Jon’s nightmares, where instead of hating him for ruining his world domination plans, Elias is smitten - in a suave, very creepy kinda way - and has decided that he’ll simply wait Jon out, wearing him down until the inevitable day when he realizes that they were meant to be. A full-fledged Archivist was dropped into his lap, ranting about how he out-foxed a future version of Elias, tormented by his own monstrosity, and people expected his narcissistic ass to not fall head over heels with his own creation?? As if.

Jon is Not Having A Good Time.

Originally when he landed here he was all, “Where is my Martin whom I love so dearly? Where is the support and companionship that I crave?” But after ‘bumping into’ him a few times outside the Institute, Jon comes to the bitter conclusion that whatever connection they had is gone. He recalls Martin’s firm belief that they never would have become a couple without all the trauma they’d been through and though this time around Jon definitely doesn’t hate him... he doesn’t love him either. Oh, he loves that he exists, seeing Martin whole and blissfully ignorant of the Fears helps heal something in Jon, but it takes him a very long time to admit that he’s too nice. Too caring. Too tentative in his insecurity. Jon grinds his teeth and admits in the privacy of his own thoughts that he was attracted to a bastard version of Martin, one who showed off a little bit of his own monstrosity, was connected to his own domain, could cut just as cruelly with his words as Jon could with his powers... Meeting with him now over coffee, inches away, Jon has never felt farther from him. This Martin simply isn’t a part of the world that created Jon.

Good, he decides and firmly steers Martin away from the Institute. Thanks to some blackmail and Peter Lukas’s money, Martin finds himself with a caretaker for his mom and the promise of a full ride through whatever creative writing program he can get into.

Meanwhile, Elias is of course stalking and spying on Jon whenever he can, doing the metaphorical equivalent of doodling hearts in his notebook whenever he catches a glimpse of why Jon no longer connects with Martin. He’s a bastard avatar with shitty morals and, frankly, far better taste in poetry. Open your third eyes, Jon!!

Gertrude, who avoided sacrificing Michael after a stern talking to from Jon: “You sure you don’t want the Spiral to eat you, kid? Anything’s better than watching this clusterfuck.”

Michael: 🙃🙃🙃

After a while the Institute settles into a new kind of normal. Jon, Gertrude, and Michael defend the archives from the slew of enemies they’ve both amassed, stopping the occasional ritual in their free time. Jon has long come to the conclusion that the Fears couldn’t have originated here - not with the Eye being unable to see its own creation - so starving them in this reality at the expense of their world wouldn’t serve the greater good. The best they can do is continually contain them - which they’ve gotten real good at. Elias continues to bother Jon with a fervor that’s almost admirable (he can see how this guy managed plans for upwards of 200 years) and waffles between playing the Mysterious Boss archetype that he’d used on Jon the first time around, and just giving in to the utter adoration he feels whenever Jon is in the room. It’s clear he’s long since started worshiping Jon rather than the Eye and the Eye is... totally fine with that?

Gertrude: “How did you get the Ceaseless Watcher to treat you like a favored child?”

Jon: Trauma?? 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

After seeing how much happier Martin is, Jon guides the rest of his former assistants away from the Institute, Sasha included. It helps, a little, but it also makes him even more isolated than he was the first time around.

Gertrude realizes this, so when Elias’ flirting - “I’ve found a fresh statement for you, Jon. Oh do stop glaring, it’s just a bit of chloroform. She’ll wake up soon. You can’t be satisfied with stale writings for forever” - starts inducing more fond annoyance than fear or horror, she becomes #Concerned.

Gertrude: “You realize that desensitizing you to his actions was the point all along, right?”

Jon: “Mmhm. But is it still manipulation if I know it’s manipulation?”

Gertrude: “You cannot possibly be considering this.”

Jon: “Would it help if I admitted that dating Elias wouldn’t be the worst decision I’ve ever made?”

Gertrude: “NO.”

The thing is, Jon liked Elias before he revealed himself to be an immortal body-snatcher hell-bent on creating... well, hell on Earth. He liked the soft academic exterior, his careful words, love of organization and attention to detail, the dry humor, cutting intellect, those suits that likely cost more than three months of his salary combined... In fact, Jon is now in a place to vividly remember the embarrassment he felt while interviewing for the archivist’s position, too busy avoiding looking at Elias’ lips to catch the hungry glint in his eye.

Of course, that Elias only exists as a veneer... though what was Jon’s “I’m just a normal man going grocery shopping, please ignore my scars and aborted grab as I resist demanding a statement from you” if not a veneer of its own? Where did their ‘real’ selves begin and their conscious choices end? The most awful thing about all this is that Elias is right. Oh, not about them being Kings of a ruined world, but about how no one but another avatar can truly understand an avatar. By this point Jon is years past his coma, fully at peace - or at least, as at peace as he’ll ever get - with the fact that he chose to live as a monster rather than die as a human. That means Knowing things at his leisure... though he tries not to catch anything private. It means Compelling others to provide him with more knowledge... though he’s careful with his questions around friends. It means Feeding off of others’ worst moments in life... though Jon restricts himself to statements that Gertrude has collected first, so that he never haunts anyone’s dreams. And it means spending the majority of his time with other monsters and monster-aligned allies... though Jon plants his feet firmly in his human morals and refuses to budge.

If he can navigate all that, why not this too?

Elias has said more than once that he would make Jon the worst version of himself - said with such glee and promise as to almost, almost sound like something Jon wants. Jon figures that the worst version of Elias, from his perspective, would be to look a bit more human.

“We can bring out the worst in each other,” he agrees one day, followed by a shark-like grin.

Elias hasn’t the faintest idea what he’s just gotten himself into.

And that feels wonderful. Manipulating him into being a marginally better person who doesn’t bring about the apocalypse might actually be more satisfying than stabbing him. The Elias of Jon's original timeline would have HATED this and that makes Jon do a happy little wiggle whenever he thinks about it.

Gertrude: “You’re leashing a fucking dragon, Sims.”

Jon: “Better than letting it roam free.”

Gertrude: “Just so long as he doesn’t chew through the reins.”

Jon: “Yeah well, I’ll be the first one burned if that happens” and he holds up his charred hand with a shrug.

So begins the most messed up courting ritual the world has ever seen. Do they work as a couple? Oddly enough, yes. Amazingly well, in fact. Is it a healthy relationship? LOL yeah right. But then that’s rather the point. Jon gave up on that the day he acknowledged that, yes, a part of him liked being the most powerful being roaming a hellish landscape - liked not being vulnerable for once. Back when he’d first joined the Institute, post-breakup with Georgie, Jon couldn’t even imagine someone liking him enough to grab a drink after work. He’s past pretending that having the cult-like devotion of a lover, the favor of a Fear god, and the grudging respect of everything else that goes bump in the night isn’t really fucking nice.

Sometimes Elias plays the part of a compassionate human for Jon, as a treat. Sometimes Jon let’s Elias bask in another’s terror, as a treat. Sometimes Jon is Jonathan Sims and sometimes he’s The Archivist. “Let’s rule a burned-out world together” becomes a staple request in their relationship, with Jon always giving Elias the equivalent of a pat on the head and a, “Sure, honey. Maybe next week.” They find something like balance that way.

Plus there’s Gertrude, perpetually in the shadows with an arsenal of weaponry and the promise to obliterate them both if they ever go too far. She reminds Jon of his grandmother when she threatens to fuck them up in the afterlife if they ever make her kill them.

Something, something, dysfunctional eldritch found families are beautiful?

Jon and Elias have achieved something akin to an uncanny, domestic bliss when Elias points out that this body won’t last forever...

Jon Does Not Like the idea of Elias kidnapping another innocent.

However...

Jon: “You know Jurgen Leitner is living in the Institute’s tunnels, right?”

And they lived ever after. The “happily” is highly subjective.

Bonus:

Post-apocalypse!Jon meeting with Original!Jon to warn him away from the Institute, painfully thin ever since his coma, hip-length hair streaked unnaturally white, a slew of scars covering every available bit of skin, the slightest green glow behind his eyes, somehow looking supremely confident and powerful while also embodying the most Awkward Academic you’ve ever seen: Hey.

Og!Jon: G-good lord!

Jon: It’s okay. You can say ‘fuck.’ Please say ‘fuck,’ Jon. We deserve it.

[giveafike]

Hi azzie how are you??? When will you post next xxxx

Hii anon!! Sorry guys, I kinda went AWOL for a bit here, I’ve been somewhat swamped 😭 anon are you British? X hehe, just curious bc of the kisses.

I had a dream where I did a get to know me post and then got SWATTED 😭 would we want a get to know Azzie? I don’t think so, but lmk! Send questions if so (don’t SWAT team me 😭)

Writing Updates: trust, I will have Ben Shelton posts and a Jude blurb coming up eventually! If not this week, then next.

I’ve got a (albeit, belated) Halloween party coming up + a lot of work shifts this week + college starts tmr :( but I’ve got a lot of free time if I push out these assignments so..pray for me.

Azzie Updates + ChitChat: First of all I wanna say: tysm for the love on the works this past week!!!!! :,) you’re all so sweet and kind, I always say I love tumblr so much and it’s only bc of people like you guys liking and reblogging and commenting and sending me feedback that makes it such a sweet, fun, great place!

Second off, question! are any of those crazy amazing Ben Shelton TikTok editors with the freaky ass captions on tumblr? Bc I’ve been scrolling through posts all night, literally cackling at those captions and in awe of their editing skills, they need to proofread my writing drafts, they’re the realest mfs here.

I’ve just checked my inbox for the first time in a few days- YOU 🫵 😧 are FREAKYYYY AS FUCK 🫵😧 … HOLYYY SHIT???? Are we all ovulating..? The amount of NSFW requests you people want me to write, and you guys write it so sweetly too it makes me laugh sooo hard “Azzie hey girl! Love you! can you write a blurb about me and Ben and in public and he’s crazy and-” - TOUCH GRASS OH MYYYY GOD! GIRLS! Hahah kidding I’m just as bad……did you guys see that NSFW Ben Shelton tarot reading from @castingspellsanddaisies ? i am actually….feral?.. I can’t stop reading it … my face is WARM thinking about it; wdymm he’s good at it (duh ofc he is)…. Let me test that out…for research and writing purposes, obviously.

Um, anyways.. I underestimated an assignment of mine and I’ve been grinding on that (literally due in 3 hrs…almost done it tho!), I’ve another one due Wednesday + uni starts back tomorrow and I’ve got to go for attendance, so I’m prob pulling an all-nighter tonight 😵‍💫 im SICK of university and im sick of STEM, i deserve to be living the Morgan Riddle life but Ben Shelton edition. Sorry not sorry!

I’ve also been super badly sick, I passed out at work the other day and I’ve got no appetite whatsoever, I had a fever earlier this week - idk what’s going on w me! Autumn-winter always makes me feel like I’m a Victorian child. I feel wayyyy better than how I did a few days ago, but I’ve trying to take it easy and relax a bit, pls forgive me 😓

maybe tmr after I finish all my pending works I’ll write smut in the library…like a freak 💀😭 we’ll see anyways, good chat, back to my assignment I go 😞

[jenyifer]

The Trainee Ep 5 Initial Reaction

Oh thank god, Episode 5 is exactly what I wanted! Episode 4 was a bit dry and boring, but thankfully Episode 5 totally makes up for it. Some people commented last week saying I shouldn’t criticize the show just because I expect spicy stuff. But no, this is what I wanted—and surprise, it’s not about kissing. Sometimes it feels like people don’t really read what I write. I make these posts to remember the shows I’m watching, whether I enjoy them or not. It’s all just my opinion.

But anyway, Episode 5 was fantastic for both the main and side couples. We got to see the shallow crush of Bah-Mee and the gradual crush between Ryan and Jane. I was screaming for joy when they were walking home together, finally talking about something other than work. Honestly, that scene alone would’ve made me happy, but the episode gave me so much more!

Jane’s apartment gave me major "Theory of Love" vibes with its IKEA and creative core aesthetic. Anyway, let’s get to the photo review!

Awwww Pie does appreciate Ryan for his friendship and his skill. I love her.

Okay yeah this boy’s mentor’s are actually fucking up. 1. Give the intern the invoices is a 1 way trip to getting fired 2. Don’t even check in with the intern to make sure he’s doing it right.

Idk at my company money stuff is the most important thing I can’t imagine HR taking this lightly. I got in deep shit when I had to go on a business trip and didn’t have a properly lit receipt. Got emails every single day. I had to have every purchase and movement accounted for and I think that’s less important than a department’s invoices.

Hehehe Bah-Mee is too cute head empty girl

No noodles is bringing Punn back!!! *once this series is over it’s time to watch Gifted again* seeing Gun’s forehead is a rare treat that I shall savor ahah

Jane is turning his anxiety into his super power. I don’t think he’s as confident as he pretends it’s just hardened into “this is how it is.” He takes every job. Does it to the fullest never thinking of himself.

“Getting to know you, Getting to feel free and easy. When I am with you, Getting to know what to say. Haven’t you noticed? Suddenly I’m bright and breezy Because of all the beautiful and new Things I’m learning about you Day by day.” Them talking about what they like and bonding over who they really are hits me right in the feels.

I like that Jane NOT ONLY apologized but clearly explained why he had been overwhelmed and made the mistake in the first place. He really means it. Jane feels really bad that Ryan was so affected by his words. Just really precious.

First off all I adore this song by Nanon. Second both of the side couple are in love with the theory of being together but that’s how love can be. You are going through the motions of what you think a relationship is

Ryan being enchanted by Jane’s actions of giving him his clothes to wear is so heart warming and makes me giggle and kick my feet. Probably because stealing clothes is the peak of lesbian behavior. When you start sharing clothes you are close to discussing marriage plans with a girl hehehe.

[bengiyo]

Step By Step Ep 11 Stray Thoughts

Last week on HR Violations, Chot got Pat together about respecting people's feelings, and then received news that his fiancé is finally taking him home to see the parents after eight years in a beautiful scene worthy of Bruce. Pat confessed to Jeng with a gross carrot cake, but Jeng was checked out of most responsibility all episode. Rumors started to already at work, Jeng waffled, and now Pat has resigned. Also, Ae and Khanun got married, and she gave Beam closure.

See, and this is why I felt the need to write last week. Rumors about Jeng end with him cornered in a meeting where executives tear him apart as his dad looks on. Even rumors that he's queer have cost this company money.

This is gross. They're worried about Fjord, who just hired them to use BL to sell their gas stations. This is what we're talking about with the underlying commentary in this show. The wealth class only wants marketable gays. Jeng is not allowed to be gay because of his position.

Jeng's dad has always known.

Not them using the gate as a barrier!!

It does make me really sad that Jeng has to admit that he can't protect Pat from any of this, because his judgement has been clouded. It's also sad that Pat had to do something drastic to force them to face this situation.

Oh, the hands fiends are gonna lose their minds this week.

Crying because they're all finally a team and Pat and Jeng aren't alone. Chot said, "Don't look at me like that. They have eyes!"

Oh my god a SWOT analysis.

So Put posted that picture huh?

Why does everyone have these loud conversations with the doors open?

I'm glad Pat finally handled Put, because dude needs to do his goddamn job.

SPIES AND THIEVES!!! Toh was the traitor all along!

We called it on Jeng holding the duties of heir so Jaab wouldn't be required to.

Ben and Saint have good scene chemistry.

Time for an Oishii ad break.

Okay, I love the office team. I don't mind Ying being a BL writer at all. I am enjoying everyone yelling.

Put and his conditions.

Hey, Put came through for them!

These hoes ain't loyal! Jeng bought their loyalty from Pat with a single meal!!!

Ope. Jen went all the way to Japan. The disappointments keep on coming.

Pat, that is clearly your father in a bad wig. What are you going to do with a broom?

We don't get gay boys and their dads that often. This is nice, even if the scene is a bit sad because the dad is foreshadowing the base conflict Pat and Jeng are facing.

The president is ruthless, and Jeng fell right into that trap when he used his own money for ads.

Pat isn't wrong. He can't stay here if his skills are always going to be in doubt.

Well, there's our breakup.

Okay! So Pat is going to work with Put for the next two years? This final episode is going to be messy. Still, I am enjoying this. Pat only seems to thrive in small teams. There's something to be said about how some of us just don't fit into corporate environments.

[irene-dimension]

a guide to overcoming stomach growling

a bit of a lengthy post here! let me start by saying anyone with a k*nk or f*tish on this topic can kindly leave and DNI freak

so, stomach growling is something i have dealt with a lot, especially in academic settings. there is nothing more humiliating than eliciting a loud noise completely out of your control in a silent classroom. i wanted to make this post to share a few tips i’ve learned over the years, things id wish id known sooner. this topic can be really embarrassing to talk about, and those who deal with this issue often have no one to turn to for help. so if i can help even just one person with this post i would be satisfied :)

firstly, i think it’s important to understand what exactly stomach growling is. It’s the sound of food being processed through your digestive system, a perfectly normal process. food provides a buffer to those loud noises, the absence of it removes that buffer making the noises more noticeable.

minimize the possibility

- when getting dressed don’t wear tight clothes that will press into your stomach

- don’t skip breakfast. make sure to eat a balanced breakfast. for example, I’ll have a yogurt with granola mixed in with a side of grapes and strawberries. any combination that you find works for you

- chew properly, this makes the food easier to digest and will minimize the noise

-try not to inhale through your mouth while chewing

- make sure to drink water with your meals/snacks !! personally i have seen a difference by drinking the correct amount of water with food. however, you don’t want to over do it. if you’re in a situation where you only have access to water and you begin to feel the grumbles come on, take a few small sips. don’t take huge gulps or drink too much, this will make the sounds louder

accommodate and adapt

- pack a small snack or multiple snacks to bring with you to school or any activity. it may feel a bit embarrassing to be eating during class, but i promise no one really cares that much. it is much less embarrassing to eat a little snack in class than to have your stomach growl

- make a snacking schedule ! this is something that really helped for me. for some, small snacks throughout the day work better than 3 meals. id see what classes allow food, then decide which periods to eat. for example, id eat at the end of second period, then the beginning of 6th

-bring a smoothie. ive done this for the past 3 years

- know your limits. of course, you should try not to let fear of something out of your control hold you back. how and ever, i know personally just how much it can affect decision making. don’t feel bad for accommodating yourself, you deserve to feel comfortable. this can be applied to anything but here’s an example—if it is possible, opt for a shorter class length. take a 1 hr class when possible over the 4 hr one.

mental aspect

personally i believe that the mental aspect of this issue plays a HUGE role.

anxiety can actually worsen these sounds, turning it into a terrible cycle. you fear making the sounds, which in turn causes you to make the sounds. i think anxiety is so critical to this. maybe you have anxiety about something completely different, maybe anxiety about interacting with people in social situations. your brain picks one thing to hyper focus on and redirects all your attention to something you weren’t even worried about in the first place. it is also interesting to note that the gut has the second most nerve endings, after the brain. some research has been conducted to look into their connection, but it’s still a pretty new topic.

- if you are in class, try to really pay attention to note taking. it helps to be focused and physically engaged on something else

- have a bracelet or something to fidget with

- EARBUDS. i truly don’t know what i would have done without my earbuds. they definitely provide a distraction, and this distraction can lessen the sounds

-gum. this can be another helpful distraction, the chewing may trick your brain and buy you more time until you are able to leave the situation or have a snack

- try to remind yourself that everything will be alright. if someone wants to make fun of you for something every human on this earth experiences then that makes them an asshole

~~~

i think ive covered most everything here ! i hope you were able to find something in this post useful and are able to apply it to your life. if you have any questions feel free to ask under this post or dm me. stay safe out there 🫶

[letteredlettered]

I learned that someone pretty junior to me in the company (I have more than 5 years on them but they have a masters and I only bachelors) is making +10k more than I am. Our jobs are fairly different but we have the same job title/level and I'd say the work we do is roughly equivalent. Though, with some recent retirements my job responsibilities have increased. I don't qualify for a promotion to the next level in my job family but I'm trying to figure out how to broach the conversation of an in-level promotion and who to broach it with first. I'm also a bit proactively angry because I figure I'm going to have to write, basically, a persuasive essay on the topic when this shouldn't be an issue in the first place. But that niggling voice in my head is also telling me that, since I don't have a post graduate degree, the discrepancy is justified and I should just shut up about it. Do you have any advice?

I'm sorry to hear about this. It sounds really difficult. I didn't deal directly with compensation (I mostly just recommended disciplinary action; compensation at my company was its own HR department. We're a very huge company), but I can try to answer your question to the best of my ability.

You might get told that the discrepancy is justified because of the difference in degrees. Degrees in some jobs make a huge difference in pay. However, it's still worth it to try.

I would speak with your boss first. If you don't want to make demands right off the bat, you can say, "I'm exploring this issue and speaking to several people about it, but I wanted you to know first so you don't feel as though I was trying to go around you." That gives you room to continue to talk to other people if the boss shuts you down. It also gives you a feel for how hard this is going to be. Lots of advice about asking for higher pay stresses that it's important to be confident and not back down. This might be good advice, but the folks I saw doing that made a bad impression on management because those employees did not understand the pay structure of their company or what was possible within their job classification, so it really felt to management like employees were just marching in making impossible demands, which in turn emphasized to management that the employee didn't deserve what they were asking for.

But if you frame it like a learning conversation, you give yourself wiggle room. In my company, management could request a position review for your position, or in some cases (depending on the union contract) employees could request a position review for themselves. Position reviews would help HR determine whether someone should receive higher pay. That process might be specific to my company, but lots of organizations will have something like that. You'll want to talk to HR to determine what all your options are. Instead of saying something like "I think I deserve higher pay," I'd say something like, "my job duties have changed due to staffing levels. I also learned that a colleague is being paid significantly more despite my higher experience. Is there a way for HR to review my position to determine what pay would be appropriate? I've already informed my boss that I'm pursuing this."

The other thing your company may have is something like a temporary pay increase. It's obviously not permanent, but if you've taken on extra work due to decreased staffing, and if they're hiring replacements and that work will go away once the new people are in place, sometimes you can get increased pay for taking on other jobs. The rules in my company were very strict about that and hardly anyone ever got it, but its worth it to ask about it.

I wish you luck. I'm sorry again you're not being adequately compensated.

[tame-a-messenger]

HR anon here: sorry, should have made it clearer. Damien called HR to give them a heads up about him streaming because he missed work that day due to his mental health. (This was when he was full time cast, so it was literally a 9-5 job for him.) But streaming helps with his mental health so he wanted to make sure they didn’t think he was just calling sick for no reason and then focusing on his “side hustle”.

Damien also made a TikTok recently about how he inexplicably bruises himself while working out but he’s asking the internet because doctors are expensive. (Full time cast have benefits so for me this is more evidence that he’s part time and has lost those benefits.)

Adding to your pile of asks LOL, I’m sorry! But, found out today that another “noisy” resignation occurred at Smosh. Their new Director of Marketing, Dani, has left. She had just replaced Rachel. (She was in the year-end TNTL and is remembered as the one who made a joke about her dad on 9/11.) She made a heated LinkedIn post that people are taking to refer to someone at Smosh.

https://www.linkedin.com/posts/danihhowe_from-pet-to-threat-this-just-happened-activity-7175962661971529728-oSSM

I’ll keep my future submissions focused on Damangela because that’s really what we’re all here for. It’s just weird that this happened today when you posted my previous ask that I sent a while ago today also. I hope it works itself out. I would hate to lose Smosh as a place of comfort and source of Damangela interactions because the company was becoming toxic.

(OLD ASK)

Hi again!

"Damien called HR to give them a heads up about him streaming because he missed work that day due to his mental health. (This was when he was full time cast, so it was literally a 9-5 job for him.) But streaming helps with his mental health so he wanted to make sure they didn’t think he was just calling sick for no reason and then focusing on his “side hustle”."

Ohhh this makes a lot of sense! thanks for clarification! I suppose it definitely could come across as 'ditching' so he can focus on his side hustle.

Yeah.. all signs are pointing towards Damien taking a step back currently. With him not being in nearly as many videos as he was, to what you said about him asking tiktok for medical advice.

Don't sweat it! I love getting asks! (I just feel bad when I can't answer them in a timely fashion. (see- this ask (sorry<3))

Definitely something going on..... They seem to be having a TON of cast/crew leave as of recent.. I'm really wondering why. (the only thing that has massively changed was Ian & Anthony buying back Smosh?)(and them getting a new HR guy)(but most changes happened have come after Anthony came back)(I think)

It does come off a bit strange how everyone that has left didn't seem very happy about leaving, Kimmy talked about her leaving and it seemed almost like she was forced out? or maybe more like they twisted her arm. She really didn't sound like she wanted to to stop being cast or leave at all.

(I'm also wondering if Jackie had a similar thing happen? like they were telling her the direction they wanted Smosh go and either she didn't like it or they said they don't see her with them in that future, so she started auditioning for other things) (which could make sense why her 'quitting' wasn't as tense)(it felt more like a 'graduation')

Wishing them well!!

I am also waiting to see where Smosh is going. There seems to be a lot of things they've been doing recently that the fans don't like. It could go toxic fast, or it could just be a difficult 'uprooting' process that is really painful. I guess we'll just have to wait to see.

(don't worry about not being focused on Damangela! I really appreciate asks about Smosh related news! I like new information!)

[abeautifuleulogy]

Two and a half weeks post-partum. Things I have learned

The first week feels like you just quit your job, moved, and changed your identity all at once. You burned up your entire life and it's gone now.

I have a "good boob" and a "bad boob" according to little girl.

Days are meaningless. What is a Tuesday? Who cares.

Even when baby is sleeping it doesn't feel like free time bc they could wake at any moment and need you so you still can't plan to do anything

No matter what you try to do someone on the internet will tell you that's the wrong thing to do. How you feed them. How you put them to sleep. What you do while they're awake. You are always Wrong.

Single parents are astonishingly strong. I could not do this without my husband. Incredible admiration for any single parent out there.

Living with insomnia for a few years and generally not sleeping well DOES have a good side! Waking every 2 hrs isn't that much of an adjustment.

The fact that my company, a billion dollar tech company, only offers 2 weeks parental leave is insanity. Like I'm still bleeding and torn and my boobs hurt and little girl has mostly learned how to breastfeed but struggles a bit and you're telling me. I should be back at work rn????? Like maybe I should just quit for like a year. I thought 2 weeks seemed crazy inadequate before I had a child. Now I think it's preposterous. If people are """worried about the declining birth rate""" Or """"people aren't having kids anymore!!!!""" Then you should support a standard, generous parental leave. If you want people to have kids, make it possible to have kids.

[risustravelogue]

Modern AU Teyvat Alhaitham Headcanons

I started writing this out on the bus home because who tf likes commuting for 2.5 hrs? man, sometimes I wish I'm living in Sumeru City instead. I didn't tag this as x reader because it's very very much self-indulgent and quite specific to my circumstances sldfkjjklsdfjlskfd

utc because of the sheer length. sorry for any errors, I'm sleepy and tired but I just had to post this!

cw: mentions of clinical depression

How we met...

We were in the same programming class back in the Akademiya and we were the students who sat at the back. We ran into each other a lot at Puspa Café when working on our assignments and ended up keeping in touch after I braved myself to ask him something I didn't get because I fell asleep in the class after pulling an all-nighter.

He was a year above me and majored in linguistics, but he took the class because he's an overachiever curious.

He was brilliant. A bit of a recluse, rarely smiled, and honestly an ass, but honest and hardworking and unintentionally funny.

I realized I had a crush on him when I saw him smiling over successfully running his script for the final assignment.

Making a move...

I dropped hints, but they never bore fruit. He's so dense.

He only made a move after my first boyfriend broke up with me, nearly four years into the relationship. Ex didn't want to deal with my... uh... clinical depression.

He realized his feelings after he got jealous whenever I got taken away. Really, it's too bad my ex confessed before he did… I'd pick him over my ex every time.

He confessed when I called him at 2 a.m. after waking up from a bad nightmare about my breakup. After I told him my dream, I said something along the lines of "Haha... who would love a defect like me?" and he went "Me... apparently."

I almost died.

"Did you just..." "I love you." "Even though I have... issues?" "Yes. You're more than your issues. Your ex just couldn't see that." "I..." "I'll visit before I go to work and give you a hug. Is that okay?" "... Yes. Thank you. Oh, and Haitham?" "Yes?" "I love you, too."

He ended up skipping work to cuddle me all day.

Daily life as a couple...

He's in a book club. I'm in a different one. We sometimes read our books together over coffee at Puspa Café, and sometimes at his house.

He reads textbooks while I read fiction and spiritual books.

It's the only appointment he almost never cancels...

He has this smile whenever I ask him to explain the chapter he just finished reading.

He was annoyed the first time I asked him, though (this was before we became an item). "Why don't you read it yourself?" he asked. "I find it easier to understand when you explain it to me," I said, "and honestly, it would take me forever to finish that book." He never complained after that.

What I didn't tell him was in addition to my curiosity, it's because I love the sound of his voice and about the only thing I can do to make him talk for a long time is to ask him about something difficult. Holy archons, that voice drives me crazy. (I told him about it the first time I asked him to do that after becoming a couple, and he rewarded me with a lecture while blushing.)

Our homes are in the same direction from Puspa Café, so when we read there, we'd take the same bus home for half of my trip. Before he got off the bus, he always tells me to text him when I arrived home.

Before we dated, he thought I didn't notice the stolen touches he gives me whenever we were in close proximity (such as when we were on a crowded bus). Joke's on him, my primary love language is physical touch, of course I noticed right away! He blushed furiously when I told him that I knew all along that he touches me intentionally.

He has a recording of me playing the guitar. He smuggled bought a very well-made guitar from Fontaine as a gift, exploiting the loopholes in the Akademiya's regulations on performing arts.

My parents are always happy to see their daughters' men. He's always excited to see them because they treated him like a son from the first time they met. He shed tears after his first meeting with them because he wished I could meet his parents and grandmother.

I didn't move in before we got married because my parents would frown at that in whatever world we were in.

The proposal...

He planned it for half a year. Dealing with causal factors and all that.

When he finally got around to presenting the ring with the view of Mawtiyima Reserve Forest as the backdrop, I wasn't surprised because he always looked like he wanted to say something for the past few weeks.

"Oh," I said, "So this is what you've been planning inside your head." "What did you think I was planning?" "Huh, I don't know, a coup d'etat?" He laughed. LAUGHED. I died a little.

"So, are you willing to be mine for the rest of your life?" he asked with a smile after collecting his composure. "Why, can't you read it off my face?" I teased. He held my hand. "I can, but I want to hear you say it," he said. I replied to his gesture with a squeeze. "Then... yes. In every world, in every timeline, forever, yes."

Marrying him...

The Sumeru coup d'etat happened a few weeks before we got married.

When he came home from his shenanigans, I shouted at him while crying. No fair, I wanted in on the fun!!

I wanted to make him sleep on the couch with my boxes of belongings but I didn't because I craved him so much (and because I just melted when he told me he'd never forgive himself if I lose my job because the plan failed and I was an accomplice).

We got married in a private ceremony. He looked dashing in white despite his aversion to wearing it. Believe it or not, Kaveh was the best man!

We're just getting started! ;)

© @risustravelogue by @kurikurikurisu 2023 • no to reposting, yes to reblogging. feel free to send an ask to suggest, chat, etc. :)

[i-eat-worlds]

how would whumper prepare whumpee for a surgery or exam? I have close to zero medical knowledge

You have made my day with this ask, stabby.

This will vary based on the surgery but the first, very most important thing is sterility. No bacteria or microbes allowed. Anything that touches or is adjacent to the surgical site has to be sterile. And it has to stay that way.

With that in mind, I’ll give you a little tour of an OR. At the center is the operating table, and above it are special lights that can be moved around to illuminate the right bits. Behind the head of the table you’ll find all the anesthesia stuff; ventilators, monitors, ect. The anesthesia area is not sterile, and is separated from the sterile operating area by a draped cloth (kinda like a curtain).

You can see that here.

You’ll also find a table for instruments. A scrub nurse hands tools to the surgeon from this table. Before you get into the operation room proper, there also be a scrub room, with big sinks to that the surgeon can wash their hands all the way up their elbows.

Everybody in the operating room wears a mask and cap. Even whumpee will have a cap covering their hair. The surgeon, scrub nurses, and anybody touching any tools or the patient will be wearing a sterile gown and gloves. There are a whole bunch of special procedures for putting on the sterile clothing. As a general rule, anything the surgeon can see should be sterile. Anybody wearing sterile gloves will keep their hands at their chest and never put them below their waist.

You’ll need at least four people: an anesthesiologist, whumper, a scrub nurse to hand whumper stuff, and another scrubbed in person to help whumper out when operating.

Now for whumpee. Anesthesia will establish an IV in the hand, and attach all sorts of leads and monitors to whumpee. Depending on how nice whumper is feeling, they’ll get pain meds, anesthetics, or just a sedative. It’s a really bad idea for whumpee to be fully awake during surgery. If you have more questions about anesthesia please ask, but it’s kinda out of the scope of this post. Whumpee will definitely get blood. They’ll be covered with several surgical drapes, so that only the operating site is exposed. All hair will by shaved off with an electric razor, and the site will be cleaned with an alcohol solution.

Whumper will probably be in the room and fully scrubbed in my this point, and the procedure will begin. The first cut will go through just the skin, and then they’ll get deeper. To get through bone (namely the rib cage) they’ll use an oscillating saw. They’ll probably ask for whumpee’s vitals regularly. Suction is an important tool, it’s exactly what it sounds like. Assistant will probably man the suctions, as well as retract (pull different parts of the body back).

An exam can be amazingly mundane compared to that, but usually will involve taking vitals (bp, hr, temp, spo2, ect.) asking whumpee were/what hurts and how, looking at, touching and palpating areas that hurt. Think about when you go see you GP.

Hope this was helpful!

[alvojake]

TW: ed, depression, anxiety, health issues, overall mental illness (sorry in advance for the rant as I know I don't normally post private stuff, but I need to get this off of my chest.)

as many of you have probably noticed, I haven't been active all that much here lately aside from posting my angstober fics. this is a result of multiple things, but you guys deserve to know a little bit about what's going on.

these past few months haven't exactly been easy for me and I feel as if my health is just slowly going down the drain. I have an multiple anxiety attacks within the span of a day, my heart problems that I thought had subsided decided to show back up causing me quite a bit of discomfort and pain, not to mention how bad my depression has been getting. I have been stuck in I like to call a brain fog for a while. I don't get the proper amount of sleep or food and it shows, I didn't really notice how bad it was until my grandma pointed out that I had lost quite a bit of weight this past weekend.

I don't think I've had a stretch this bad in a very long time, and to be honest, I have a vague idea as to why this sparked up. when I'm not working my normal job (which is 9pm-7am) I am at home babysitting for my cousin bc the daycares around here suck ass at getting people off of the waitlist. I have been watching this kid since she was about three months old, and she is now well over a year old. when I first started watching her, it wasn't an issue bc she slept most of the time, so that meant that I got a good amount of sleep, however, as many who have kids or babysit know that, as they get older, the less they sleep and will continuously get into things they aren't supposed to. so this also means that the amount of sleep I get in a day dwindles immensely (normally about 3 hrs if I'm lucky). now, I'm sure some of you are probably like...

"kayla why don't you just tell her you don't want to watch her anymore?"

trust me, I wish it were that easy, but I am a people pleaser at heart, especially with family. I can't tell her no and leave her with no one to watch her kid, which means she can't work. she has her family to take care of, so I just endure it. however, what really sucks is that no one really knows what it's like because they aren't me. they do try to help and watch her when they can, but seeing as I am the only one who works the night shift, it makes it difficult to find anyone else.

now, on to another FUN part of my life. my dietary habits. I have, for as long as I can remember, always eaten one meal a day, maybe two if it was close to my period. this has always been a thing, but when I moved in with my aunt, it changed because she always made sure that I would eat at least something. here, as of late, tho, it has gotten worse. I can barely take a bite of anything without the immediate need to go and throw it all back up, then I'm left feeling shaky and nauseous for hours after. I'm not sure what brought this along, but it's only gotten worse as my anxiety has picked up.

I don't want to get too far deep into things and babble about useless things, so I'll just leave this here. thank you to those who have read this far <3