#i drew stuff in october but i didn’t get around to post them here yet

[sturkillerbase]

I have thought about how and what I would write this text for a very long time now (months, honestly), and yet I’m now sitting here staring at my keyboard without having any idea how to even begin.

Now, this is a longer version of a previous, more straight forward post, which you probably got here from. If not, well, this is basically a letter(?) of what has been going on in my life ever since 2022, when I vanished from this website. I didn’t get into specific details because that would make this post unnecessarily long, and also there’s very personal information in all of it. You understand.

I’m sorry if my paragraphs don’t make much sense. I was stuck in the beginning, but then as I started writing, all just came to me and I just kept writing without paying attention to coherence.

Well, here we go.

2022 wasn’t easy. Good things happened, but I was down, and I only realized, or, better yet, accepted how down I was by the end of 2023. It’s been a long journey – longer mentally than it’s been in actual time. To me, it felt like 2023 was, at the very least, two years long. 2022 seems to have happened such a long time ago, and also seemed to last for longer than 12 months.

I started my post grad by the very end of 2022, in the area that I’ve always dreamed of working, and while I am very happy with it and I like the things I’ve studied so far, it has come with a lot of issues. Not only the regular struggles of a student, but also issues with the institute. Me and my classmates have been dealing with a lot of problems with the school we’re in for several months now, and this has been draining a lot of my energy and leaving me with quite a bad humor (there might even be a lawsuit – yes, it’s that bad).

Now, the regular stress of being in a university, along with unnecessary problems AND figuring out things about myself has left me in a state of constant tiredness. Around August of last year, I began to feel exhausted. And by October-November, I was so overtaken by exhaustion that I just accepted any fate that came my way, no matter how bad it was. I was sure that I was gonna fail my last three classes of the year. How I didn’t, I honestly do not know.

I stopped doing the things that I like. I barely watched any movies or series. I didn’t read for fun. I don’t know when was the last time I drew something. I only wrote academic texts. I gave up on any ideas I had before I even started them. I closed myself to the world and lost contact to many people I know, dear friends even. I haven’t been passionate about anything in over a year and I miss that. I miss that so much.

Also, by the end of 2022, I had a health issue that led to a drastic body change, and of course everyone just had to make all kinds of comments on how I looked and compare me to how I used to look – and even make some jokes about it. It happened absurdly fast, and I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I stopped doing my makeup (a therapy to me), and I avoided taking photos at all costs (and hated and deleted the ones I did take).

Last but no least, I spent more than half the year broke. Paycheck to paycheck. I only got to breath again this very month. It was actually surprising how something that required a great amount of money happened every month, I could barely save a single buck. That alone is enough to mess up with your head and increase stress to off-world levels.

Although a lot of stuff that happened have a root in 2022, this was all in 2023. 2022 was a case apart, and I might make a post talking about it, but, honestly? It’ll more like a vent, a dump on everything that happened, than anything else. I don’t want, much less expect, to make people feel sad about my life or any other dramatic act like that.

Well, moving on!

Now, as I said, good things happened in 2023 as well, and I’m not going to focus on the bad ones only. So here’s a list of good (and great) things/things that made me happy last year (in no specific, much less chronological order):

I was finally studying what I wanted to;

I began taking Italian classes, met very nice people, and became friends with the teacher, an amazing person;

I got my first job!!! (as an English teacher/tutor)

I had the chance to see one of my all-time favorite bands live;

To see that band, I traveled to a city I’d been to 10 years prior and always dreamed of going back.

It was in the neighboring country, so international traveling I guess(?) (you might be thinking “But Ana, how were you able to do that if you had money problems?” Well, I had saved money for this event alone and never touched it, and my money problems started after I came back home);

I joined a group of fans so I wasn’t alone at the concert and made friends with many people there;

Had a weird fling with one of them actually (weird not as in bad, but as in complicated. Story for some time else);

Lowered the posology of my medicines three times!!!;

Barbenheimer!;

Went to my first ever stand-up comedy show and it was pretty fun. Went to others after that;

Left my job – it was stressing me out with, again, unnecessary, easy to solve problems. Leaving was the best decision to make for the sake of my already weakened mental health;

Became a private teacher;

Went to a concert of an artist I grew up listening to and admiring (also the ticket was a gift!);

Didn’t flunk any classes.

That’s all I can think of so far. I might add more to this post as I remember things or as some of you ask me about.

Also, I’ll start writing my final article very soon, and that’s gonna be a whole new rollercoaster. But that’s something for future Ana to worry about. No point crying over not-yet-spilled milk.

[dark-roasted-kestel]

I posted 1,307 times in 2022

That's 862 more posts than 2021!

264 posts created (20%)

1,043 posts reblogged (80%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@grymmdark

@macro-microcosm

@mak-to-the-future

@kaijucowbelle

@pingoes

I tagged 501 of my posts in 2022

#kestel's dumbness - 122 posts

#kestel's art - 98 posts

#bugsnax - 36 posts

#ni no kuni - 33 posts

#ninjago - 30 posts

#kestel's wips - 30 posts

#nnk2 - 27 posts

#important - 27 posts

#vent - 21 posts

#shamless self reblog - 16 posts

Longest Tag: 117 characters

#tho this is on me 'cause i am stupid and forgot that turning off the computer while it's restarting is the worst idea

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Here's some anacondrai cultist, finally got around to finishing it

Also I say fuck you I'm making the anacondrai cultists look completely different then canon, the cultists have purple markings and some kind of green for gems, got some weird magic stuff, some red would overlap or something over the original eye color also the eye color slightly changes too

Garmadon got them red eyes and red gem instead

70 notes - Posted January 8, 2022

#4

hehehehheh guess who spend half their drawing Alegander??????!!!!

spoilers for bugsnax (i guess)

Clumby looks fucking wack af I don't feel like fixing that-

71 notes - Posted May 16, 2022

#3

also a hat in time anniversary doodles

74 notes - Posted October 5, 2022

#2

got bored (again lol) and wanted to draw grumpbeard, don’t anyone has drawn them before

planning on drawing their crew too

hmmmmm they look familiar....

79 notes - Posted June 21, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

i have a bad habit of forgetting i drew thins in the past

some skales family that i totally didn’t forget about lol

they don’t have names yet but i’m very tempted to name the child boba

the odrer of these guys- skale’s mother; she/it, skale’s maddy, they/he/it, skale’s other mom, one/ones/ze/hir

100 notes - Posted May 6, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[manamanami]

🌟 Touhou-themed ACNH island 🌟

DA-6456-8453-1900

Enjoy!

🌟 Creator ID 🌟

MA-0788-9993-1513

I recorded everything on the island to make a tour video, but I’m not sure when I can get around to edit it, and I really wanted to post the dream address

I tried my best to make the island as lag free as possible and to avoid clutter🤞while including as many locations and refs to characters as possible

Locations on the island that are not marked on the map pic:

Hieda house | Aki farms | Keiki’s creative zone | Deep Road to Hell | Rainbow Dragon Cave entrance | Area for danmaku battles | Hill of the Nameless | Mokou & Mystia food stands | Hina & Momiji spot

(in Resident Rep home) Dream World | Sannyo’s gambling den | Palanquin Ship | Ruined Western Mansion | Hakugyokurou | Hell Ruins/Nuclear Furnace

(and some silly stuff on the beach) Synth and beer bottles | Beach math class | Horse plinko

[kurisus]

Chapter 96 thoughts

This chapter made me want to not be alive so uh let’s talk about it, group therapy style. Spoilers under the cut, obviously.

This was easily the worst chapter in a long time, but it was a different type of pain than the last bad chapter I flipped out over (Hagusa’s first appearance in 88-2). This was more like a slow, burning feeling of dread. I’m not quite sure how to describe it but this chapter definitely made me feel no less than 7 new emotions.

Things started off poorly with Yuka seeing Hiyori as being similar to her mom. Which, as we learned a few chapters ago, means the type of person to keep pushing away her pain and inconvenience with a smile. At least I’m glad Yuka decided to make her breakfast anyway.

The comparison isn’t entirely one-for-one though. Yuka and Haru’s mother was also the type of person to completely close herself off from her surroundings, not really doing anything to prevent her kids from being hurt. We know our Hiyori would never let that slide--I’m fondly remembering the multiple times she’s gone after trash dad despite how he keeps finding new ways to hurt her.

On that note, I still don’t think Yukine’s father is alive, but if he was I would love for Hiyori to kick his ass too.

Anyway, the anecdote about Haru forgetting their dad’s birthday was already rough for me. I’d forget too, if I had someone like that holding it against me every time. And of course it shouldn’t surprise me he was cruel enough to force his children to sleep outside at night, but somehow it’s just another horrible, horrible thing we were forced to learn.

Adachitoka’s really pulling no punches with Yukine’s backstory, man. Every time I think we’ve heard the worst of it, they come back with something new and equally horrible.

I’m really not sure what to make of Yuka’s “This isn’t something to talk about just after waking up” statement. What was she implying was happening to Haru? My first thought was that she realized he’s in danger somehow, and is afraid he’s going to die, but if that were true she’d be urging the girls out the door to go look for him. Feel free to tell me if it was obvious, but I was confused.

I still have no idea how Nora and Hiyori are gonna explain what happened to Haru, but I feel like Yuka will just catch a glimpse of him and realize, somehow.

I also feel like when they meet, Yukine will turn his anger on his sister at first, but hopefully Hiyori will be there to mediate things. I can’t wait for her to get some action, provided things don’t go belly-up again (they will).

Okay so I was completely NOT expecting to get the letter revealed this month so I felt blindsided.

I remember speculating the letter would be something normal, like what Yato saw in those fragments when naming Yukine. But boy, was I wrong.

He never got any of her letters, and didn’t Yuka also say she never got any of his?

Anyway, my first thought when I saw that final letter was that their dad forced him to write it, but looking at it again now I’m not so sure. I think the paneling is meant to imply their dad read out all his letters, and that was the one he was holding when the POV switched to a flashback. I also misread “I can’t take it anymore” as a sort of suicide note, but I think it was just frustration.

Either way, there’s a conspiracy going on that their dad was behind. Somehow, he got hold of all Haru’s letters, and likewise prevented Yuka’s from ever reaching him. So the two siblings wrote to each other and never got a response, each believing they had been abandoned.

It’s also horrifying that Yuka wrote about mundane things out of concern for her brother’s life and safety, yet Haru was openly writing about how much he wanted to run away. Perfect fuel for their dad’s story once he went missing, huh?

This also shows he wasn’t, like, handing the letters to his dad to mail off. He was sending them by himself, in secret, yet they all got returned one day. So like, was their mom hoarding his letters to prevent Yuka from getting them? What exactly happened here? I’m wondering if their mom was so committed to putting everything behind them that she kept all of Haru’s arriving letters and hid them away, hoping the siblings would forget about each other. But then, did she send them back? Why would she do such a thing?

I mentioned this a while ago, but nothing about this whole letter business adds up, and now there’s a whole new layer to it.

Anyway, on to what was, for me, the crux of this chapter--the page with just the “thud” and “smack” sfx, followed by an unnerving silence. This was, as is shown later, the final abuse that Haru suffered. His father got hold of the letters, ripped them up in front of his son, then beat him up and dragged him to the mountains where he dumped him in the fridge, already concocting his story about how Haru ran away. Now we know why Haru was barefoot and in his pajamas when it showed the fridge door shutting. Good lord.

This page had a deep impact on me, because though Adachitoka is not one to shy away from direct depictions of abuse (think Father smacking Yuuki against a pole or setting wolves on a crying Yato), everything about this was deeply unpleasant in a new way. I think it’s because we already knew that everyone ignored what was happening at the Tajima house, as well as the consequences of that specific instance of abuse.

I think it was @eerna who said this page goes straight to the compilation of pages that make me feel like I’ll never be happy again? bc yeah.

I gotta stop talking about this before I cry so I’m instead pivoting to taking another break from being mad at Kazuma because he was actually doing good stuff this chapter. Seems like he’s finally come around and agrees they need to get Yukine back, and is offering his help to Yato.

Poor Yato, though, remembering how their last exchange before Father named Yukine was Yukine renouncing that name in a fit of anger. I don’t think calling Sekki would work at the moment, but certainly when Yuka, Hiyori, and Nora help Yukine see reason, I can picture Yato summoning him back and away from Amaterasu.

So, they better all get their butts moving, because Father’s about to do a test run of Hagusa’s fury against those gods unfortunate enough to be in his way. Pleaaaaase let them be in time. I don’t have it in me to go through a box incident again.

If memory serves, Arahabaki is also in the area, meaning Shiigun may face off against Yuuki. But their time is running out, so Yukine’s fractured mental state will likely interfere with that plan.

One last thing before I close out this very long post. Father drew a clear parallel between himself and Yukine with their shared feelings of despair, yet the visual puts him in the same place as Yukine’s father, and Freckles as Yukine. Makes me wonder if she received similar treatment from Father as Yato and Nora did. Was their relationship not quite so “star-crossed lovers” as Father would have us believe? Was he perhaps partially to blame for her death?

In any case, seeing Yukine’s father carrying him to what will be his grave made me feel violent. I really hope that bastard is long dead, because I don’t want Yukine to become a murderer even though it would be completely justified after seeing incident after incident of the environment he grew up in.

Always questions, questions, and more questions. Feel free to send your own thoughts! See yall in October~

[sysig]

2020 Art Purge

I had quite a few doodles that I didn’t end up posting ‘cause I ran out of room or they didn’t fit the theme or any number of reasons, so here they are now with a little ramble about what I remember about them

I had a few leftover Camp Camp doodles, especially from earlier on, thus why David can look a little funny and off-model. I very much wanted to see how he’d look in a suit, I got a few different chances to draw him so! I wanted to post the “Break the Cycle” one but never found the opportunity, it was something along the lines of breaking the cycle of abuse, from his relationship with Campbell and Max’s with his parents. And then a moody Max as well hehe, that one was in October so it was the most recent! Just wanted to draw an angry lad

Mostly fanfic or random ZEX doodles leftoever from SCII - DAX’s intimidating figure in one of the fics really stood out to me but I don’t know I fully captured just how freaked out he’d be. I remembering wanting to be very emotive with his pupil, both panicked and high off adrenaline and still maintaining just a bit of his aloofness, it’s hard! And the first draft of YIK throwing down a rope for ZEX from the pirate fic, I liked this one but it wasn’t energetic enough! A quick Captain from the sword fight (still so cool!), and a silly interaction of if Hayes shamed an openly xenophilic Captain lol. I really need to design a Captain myself so I can wander around being obnoxiously alien-loving on main lol

Around the same time smol and I made this beautiful idiot, she proposed the idea of trauma and generational traits affecting bending, which I was all for, and I made a cute little non-bender family with different dominant and recessive traits. They both live in the Earth kingdom, she’s a refugee and he’s been a resident for generations, and they met and fell in love, aw ♥ And then one more Mac n’ Cheese for the road because I drew him once in reaction to drawing the Solitaire crew and then never again

Unposted sona stuff mostly from the beginning of the year and then I posted the rest of it! Sometimes it was just a bad style day, sometimes it didn’t fit or would be very late (cough cough the Valentines’ Day one) or came off as weird (the spare murder was in reference to reading edgy stuff lol - considering I had just come off Put That Kid Down and the Vargas update hadn’t come out yet - phewf! I did get exactly what I asked for, that’s for sure) The daily pages one is especially funny to be because a) it’s true I still do but b) it was immediately before Bar’s redesign and his whole Deal™ changing, so it had to be left out for being too whimsical lol. The last one still makes me laugh, a happy version of “please anticipate my upcoming response”

More sonas! Oh and a Coffee, since he was the only other Just Desserts character to get left out. Well, I guess I had one of Kaiein too, but does he count? Ehh

It was a silly one at least lol.

There wasn’t a whole lot of unpublished AGE this year, or in general, but it’s a shame because they really turned out cute. I remember I was practicing PigPen when I made that Adara, and I just wanted to draw some pretty Zis while I was still working on the animation meme draft. What pretty ladies!

And a couple little doodles of the fantasy duo! They weren’t actually designed as a pair but I can’t stop, so hey why not have them live in the same world. Opal eyes still doesn’t have a name whoops, but their cute little tail pokes out the back of their robe! Lily is a good head and a half shorter, probably about to rib-height on an average human haha

Lots of little and/or original doodles! A lot of these are either original characters, random designs, or brainstorming - there’s the first ever doodle of Marionette! Nice. I also made that lady with the scars and cut sometime around Feb. 2019 but never posted her or her daughter, they are cute tho. The little night and day one was based on a little Insect-based RPG class system I was working on at the time, Butterflies and Moths being Paladins and Warlocks respectively

I’m so sad I didn’t get to post the wives earlier! I love my angels lads, they’re so cute. I went on a bit of an axolotl tangent, the scary one’s name is “J” lol. Lots of silly little things

I also made a bunch of extremely random fanart over the year lol, from Wilbur Soot to Smokey the Bear but On Fire which is a reference to something but I no longer remember what. There’s also Chiffon from Sir Fluff, a Wooper, Barold from the Villager makeover series, CORPSE Husband, ENA from Joel G, and some little Among Us blobs. Fun designs abound!

[twilightvolt]

Well....that was one way to start a new decade, i guess. >  >’

Ok, from the death and destruction to the quarantine caused by viral disease to large parts of the world literally going up in flames, this year was like an ominous beginning that revealed the true ugly colors of everyone around us.

But there’s something telling me that that was just the universe releasing all of it’s built up rage from the last decade, so to think on the bright side, the only way to go is up now, right?

Regardless, pushing all the crap that happened this year aside, this feels like one of my best years yet in terms of art. i don’t think there’s any wedge of this clock that i wasn’t completely satisfied with and i had a TON of tough decisions on what to put in said wedges cuz i just luved almost everything i’ve created this year.

If you’re up to it, i’ll have my usual month to month reflection under the cutoff, but if you’re not, i hope to keep giving y’all even better art next year! ^  ^

So without further ado, let’s review!

January: ~ Days ~

Runner up: Team Solar Rises Again! (drawing in celebration of PMD finally returning with a remake of the first game)

Kicking off right where 2019 left off, i was hot on the heels of my Beastars phase, still cranking out countless drawings and doodles, mostly featuring Legoshi, and even hanging around the Beastars Amino and making some new friends there. this piece in particular i think encapsulates what i was mostly doing at the time, making up stories and stuff within canon to give myself more wolf boi content. which is something that i rarely do normally since i’ve mostly just done OC related writing before this.

February: - Sk8ter Wolf -

Runner up: Re:Hukaro (That thing i drew for Moon)

Ahh yes, the day i peaked with punk rock energy and created something in a highschool notebook sketch style. ngl, with the release of Beastars’ english dub on the way and the fandom quickly growing, i felt like i was on fire with the amount of stuff i was drawing. i felt so inspired and things can’t possibly go bad.

Or can it?

March: We Can Be Heroes

Runner up: One More Day, Emo Bird Boi Sketchies

Ahh yes, the month the worldwide quarantine started because they discovered the virus around this time. from this point onward, time pretty much meant absolutely nothing since i was stuck indoors for a majority of the year, only going out if i had to. on top of that, i tried a little attempt at a fandub and got picked on immediately by yahoos on Youtube. it...wasn’t fun.

I tried doing a little challenge i made up called Animarch where i drew a drawing representing anime i liked every day, but i only got about 5 days in i think? ehh, whatever. i did try, so that means something. lol

April: - ANOTHER SIDE -

Runner up: BEAST CROSSING ~Legoshi & Raymond

This was pretty much the final month i drew anything Beastars related as i slowly started shifting back to Pokemon due to the wait for season 2. but not before getting the new Animal Crossing and drawing a thing with Raymond and Legoshi that would blow up with hundreds of notes and interactions across every platform i posted it on. lmao

Regardless, i feel like Another Side was a perfect way to end that phase of my art journey. it’s like a nice finale to a long string of ideas that i will totally return to once season 2 drops next year.

May: - KOUJI -

Runner up: Fashion (that sketch of Alex and Jet in casual clothing)

What happened this month again? oh right, i went back to Digimon for a hot minute cuz i continued playing the copy of Cyber Sleuth Complete that i won from a giveaway on Twitter and created Alex and Jet, my latest Tamer and her Hawkmon partner. i should really do some more stuff with them.

ANYWAY,

June: - DOUBLE TROUBLE -

Runner up: “No Time to Waste! HENSHIN!” (AF attack against IonicIsaac on Twitter), Cafe Mix ~Ace, Yagami, Lance and Seliph

Art Fight. third year. and this time i kicked things up a notch and beat my old record from last year!...after uhh....cramming in 8 attacks at the very last night and totally going insane from the amount of sleep i lost. ^  ^’

But trust me when i say i will NOT do that again next year, i swear.

July: Squad Up

Runner up: Comin’ Out to Stun (Jet the Hawk sketches)

So after playing and beating PMDX, i started fleshing out Lance and Selpih’s characters and made more art and stories surrounding them and the rest of the team. one of those being a drawing for Mystery Dungeon Day, which happens the day after Odaiba Day. which is in August. why did i put this down for July then? some questions just don’t need to be answered.

August: - TOGETHER -

Runner up: In the Storm

You can tell by now just how uneventful life was this year cuz i have literally nothing else to talk about other than the art parts. no life issues, no big adventures like moving or something. just....indoor stuff.

It’s...kinda sad, now that i think about it. but hey, at least i was making the most of my time, trying new things and getting around a bit more.

September: Small World

Runner up: Rescue Together, PMD Forever!, Midnight Adventuring, Down Time

So this year, i turned 21, which a lotta people say is important. not really, if you can’t do much i guess. though, i did crank out a ton of art i’m super satisfied with as you can see by how hard it was to frickin’ pick one to use for this month’s wedge on the clock.

October: Feathers of the Shadows

Runner up: PAPERMOON - Final Mix - (not picked because it’s a touch up of an older drawing)

Hoo boi, this month was crazy. cuz i drew a whole lotta e d g e .....and a whole lotta Murkrow. lol

It was fun letting my inner edgelord out this month. even if nothing really significant happened in reality.

November: ~ One More Game ~

Runner up: UPokerap Project: Frogadier, - LEAF STORM -

This month....was actually kinda rough. it was basically me falling into a depressive episode after a scare at the dentist made me worry about my self image and insecurities again. but this time it really hit me just how much permanent damage i’ve done to myself in that aspect of my appearance. i know i shouldn’t worry so much, but it’s not great when people tell you to smile when the most i can do is grin since i’m just so....unhappy with my teeth.

But then around the end of the month, i stumbled upon a Pokemon themed Discord server with people that made me feel....not as alone as i suddenly felt i was. which i’m glad i could meet them even after only knowing them for a month now. if they’re reading this, i hope you know i’m thankful for raising my spirits when there’s still things i just can’t do due to financial issues.

December: Colors of the Heart  + Happy Holidays! ~Grovyle ver.

Runner up: ~ After the Battle ~ (the two part KHII anniversary drawing), - XIII -, Sketchmon: Buizel

And now this month. on top of my insecurities, i’ve now been struggling with my frustration with not being noticed as much as i should, watching as some people quickly climb up in following when i’m going much slower. honestly, i feel like the months when everything started lightening up for the world....was when things started falling apart for me. yeah, i know. pretty depressing way to end, huh? i hit 300 before the year ended thanks to the support from my new friends though, so i’m actually pretty happy.

But that doesn’t mean i’m not still scared of the future. i mean i have my teeth to worry about and also my wisdom teeth are coming in. so next few months...might be kinda rough.

Though, that’s not to say i didn’t soldier through it. this month i pushed myself, plowed through as many commissions as i could get to raise money for my new computer and made some of the best drawings that to me, feel like a great accomplishment. even if a couple of them weren’t as grandiose as some of my previous work. it was a big step forward for me as an artist. at least in my eyes.

And i have a feeling....that it can only get better from here.

[beshert-bh]

My journey to/with Judaism

***This is a super long post, it’s the FULL story, not a brief overview, but it would mean the WORLD to me if you read it***

Upbringing: very much Not Jewish™️

I was born into a Catholic family. I have a goyish last name. I was baptized as an infant, and my parents took me to church each week as a kid.

In kindergarten — back when I still went to a secular private school — one of my best friends was Jewish. He told me all about the traditions his family did...told me all about the kippahs they wear, and how they had their own game called dreidel for this holiday they celebrated, called Hanukkah. (Of course this convo was at a basic-kindergarten-level of knowledge.) When I came home from school I was fascinated with Hanukkah, (this is cringey to admit but my 5-year-old self tried to integrate the traditions together and so in order to do this I drew up a “Christmas dreidel” complete with Santa Claus’ face on one side, a present on another side...you get it)

And that is when I was promptly put in “parochial” schools. I went to Catholic school from 1st grade to 12th grade. I went through Holy Communion and Confirmation like all the other kids did. My elementary soccer team’s mascot was an Angel. My high school’s mascot was a Crusader. Our high school was located on Rome Avenue. I went to a Catholic youth conference. I considered becoming a nun because I was single all throughout high school.

Growing up, around Christmastime we would always travel to visit my grandma, and she would always say we’re “German Jewish” — but I would write her off. In my mind, I was like, Yeah ok like 1%? .....It felt like my grandma was acting like one of those white people who takes a DNA test and says, “Look! We’re 1% African!” So I would dismiss her and remind her how we’re Catholics and she would drop the subject.

Falling away from Xtianity: my first 2 years of college

My freshman year I changed — politically — as I was only conservative in high school because of the ‘pro-life’ agenda being shoved down my throat. I really aligned more with liberal and leftist policies and views, though. Once I became open to new political ideology, I began to question my theological beliefs.

I always had a strong connection to God. My whole life. But I struggled with connecting to Jesus, Mary, the saints, and so on. So obviously my freshman year of college I began to fall away from Catholicism.

You see, Catholics are “bad at the Bible” as I like to say. Other Christians do a better job of teaching and analyzing the writings. They actually require school-aged children to memorize Scripture passages. Catholics mostly just teach the same stuff over and over. Jesus, Mary, Joseph, blah blah blah. Catechism, liturgical calendar, blah blah blah. Parts of the mass, fruits of the spirit, blah blah blah.

So since I was already doubting Catholicism, its corrupt leadership, and its mindless traditions.... I thought maaaaybeeee I would find purpose, truth, clarity, etc. in plain-old Christianity. But I couldn’t have been more wrong.

The other Christian churches I went to baptized people (which is a BIG LIFE DECISION) on the spot. For example if a newcomer felt on a whim that they wanted to be baptized, the church would do it right then & there. No learning, no planning or preparing, that was it. They promoted blind faith and circular thinking. I began to realize these were both normal attitudes and cognitive patterns within any and every Christian community that I encountered.

Even the Christians who exhibited curiosity mostly just asked questions in order to be able to understand, and then accept, the doctrine as truth. Questions never ever challenged anything.

Oh and let’s throw in the fact that I’m bisexual. Homophobia, transphobia, biphobia (and more) are rampant in the church. So needless to say, with all my observations about the lack of logical thinking in the church (and considering my sexual orientation) I fell away. I stopped going to church unless my family made me when I was home from college.

Enter stage right: Judaism

In retrospect I happened to have a lot of friends in my sorority and my favorite fraternity on campus who were Jewish (the frat happened to be a traditionally-Jewish one). Thought nothing of it at the time. Fast forward to junior year when I met this cute guy on Tinder. He’s now my boyfriend and we’ve been dating for over a year. He didn’t tell me this on Tinder, but when we went on our first date, he revealed that he’s Jewish and wanted to make sure that’s something I was ok with. Clearly I had no problem with that. I wasn’t too into Christianity anymore but I still identified as one (and I was still surrounded by Christian friends in my sorority) so I told him I was Christian/raised Catholic and asked hypothetically if he would be comfortable with a “both” family. He said yes.

We started dating during an October, so of course Hanukkah came up soon. There was a mega challah bake at our local Chabad, which he took me to, and we had a blast. From then on I decided I wanted to show him how supportive I was of his Jewishness. (The last girl he dated dumped him after 3 months BECAUSE he was Jewish... so I felt that I needed to be supportive)

We started going to shabbat services and dinner every week. We did Hanukkah together (we bought our first menorah together, he taught me how to spin a dreidel, his mom bought me Hanukkah socks...lol). At some point in our relationship I told him I may have Jewish ancestry from my grandma but it’s distant and my whole extended family is Christian so it really wouldn’t even matter. I don’t remember when I had that conversation with him.

Eventually, after another few months of Shabbat services and Shabbat dinners, Pesach came around.

We went to the first seder together. The second seder is what changed everything.

Deciding to convert

At first I wasn’t sure if I belonged at this second seder. My boyfriend had always brought me to every event. I had never attended anything alone at Chabad before. But I went anyway. Throughout the night I felt increasingly comfortable. I had never felt more like I was a *part of something* than I did at this seder.

I sat near a friend who I recognized. (He knows I’m raised Catholic.) Then he & his friends welcomed me. We all took turns reading from the Haggadah, we drank the four cups of wine together, and we laughed together as I had maror for the first time.

Then the familiar faces left to go home, and one of them even went to another table to sit with his other friends whom he hadn’t had a chance to see yet that night. Naturally I thought I was alone again. I almost left, but something tugged at my heart to stay until the very end of the second seder. Something told me to keep going and keep taking in this wonderful experience.

The rest of the night consisted of many songs (most likely prayers, in retrospect) I did not know. Everyone stood to sing and we all clapped to the rhythm. I knew none of the words but I still clapped along, alone at my own table. Then one of the boys — the one who had been sitting with my friends and I earlier — motioned at me to come over and join his other friends. I approached this new table full of people I’d never met, feeling awkward as ever, and they not only hoisted me up to stand on the table with them as they chanted, but they also included me in their dance circle. (no, I don’t think it was the Hora, we just spun around over and over. lol.)

This was the first night I felt at home with Judaism. Going through the Jewish history with the Haggadah, remembering the important occurrences and symbolizing them with various foods, ending the night by being welcomed into the community... it was transformative. After attending shabbat services for months and learning about Jewish values, it changed something in me when I observed Pesach for the first time last year. I knew this path would be right for me. I felt as if my soul had found where it belonged. The Jewish history, traditions, beliefs, and customs resonated with me. It all just... made sense.

I told my boyfriend I wanted to convert. I wrote three pages of reasons. But I sat on the idea of converting and did nothing for a while. I did do some more research on Judaism, though, as I continued to attend services each week.

The exploration stage

I began to actually research on my own time. If converting was something I was genuinely considering, it was high time I began actively learning as much as I could possibly learn. It was time to dive deeper than just attending the weekly services and googling the proper greetings for Jewish holidays.

I started digging deeper into Judaism and Christianity so I could compare and contrast the two. I needed to understand the similarities and differences. And BOY are they different. That was surprising at first, but the more I learned about Judaism, the more I loved how different it was from the Christianity I was indoctrinated into.

Not only are the values and teachings of each religion vastly different, but the Tanakh (which is “The Old Testsment” in Christian Bibles) actually contradicts:

The entire “New Testament”

The gospel books specifically

The Pauline letters specifically

How did I realize this? Some bible study of my own, but mostly through online research. And, of course, I would have gotten nowhere without the help of Rabbi Tovia Singer and his YouTube videos. He debunks everything there is to debunk about Christianity.

Here were some things I came across when researching:

It confused me how the four Gospels didn’t align (like, major parts of the story did not align at all...and supposedly they’re divinely inspired...but they don’t even corroborate one another?)

It confused me how the psalms we sang in church were worded completely different from the true wording in the Bible (essentially the Christian church is taking tehillim and altering it to benefit Christian dogma and Christian rhetoric.)

It confused me how we read in the Bible that Jews are ‘God’s chosen people’ and yet in every Catholic Church, every Sunday, there is a Pauline letter being read which depicts proselytization of Jews, as if Jews are lost and need Christians to save them. As if Jews would go to hell if they fail to accept Jesus.

It confused me why we would pray to Mary and the saints, because praying is worship, and worshipping anyone but God themself is idolatry.

It confused me why Christians make, sell, and use graven images. Idolatry. Again.

It confused me why Christians give absolute power to humans. For example, if you crawl up the same steps (Scala Santa) that Jesus supposedly crawled up before he died, you automatically get “saved” because *some old men who have no divine power* said so (they have a term for this and it’s called “plenary indulgence” lol).

It confused me why Jesus was believed to be the messiah considering he had to have biologically been from the line of Joseph. Wasn’t Jesus supposedly conceived without any help from Joseph? Wouldn’t that render Jesus, uh, not messiah by default? Even if he was from Joseph’s blood, he still did not complete all the tasks moshiach is supposed to fulfill. And even if he DID fulfill all the tasks required of moshiach... we still would not worship a messiah as he is human and not GOD.

These were all new thoughts I developed this past year between Pesach and Yom Kippur. New questions that challenged everything I thought I knew. It was like teaching a child 2+2≠22 but rather 2+2=4.

Hillel

This fall, after the High Holy Days, my boyfriend began attending shabbat dinners at a rabbi’s home. His new rav lives in the community and it’s exclusive to be invited, so I never imposed. We do Shabbos separately now (with some exceptions, we do it together sometimes).

I continued to go to Chabad with one of my friends who knew I wanted to convert. But one month, she couldn’t come at all, and I felt a little judged there anyway.

So I began going to Hillel a few months ago. And I honestly have found a home there.

From Hillel’s Springboard Fellow reaching out to me and taking me out for coffee to get to know me... to running into my sorority & fraternity friends at every Hillel event (shabbat or otherwise)... From getting included in various clubs like the women empowerment group and the mental health inclusivity group... to being the only college student to participate in Mitzvah Day (hosted by Hillel) with the elderly and the local Girl Scout troop... I feel truly welcome. I’ve started to attend every week. I even talked briefly with the rabbi about having Jewish lineage and wanting to convert.

Discovering new information

I went home to be with family during Thanksgiving break. My grandma flew in so she was there when I got home. She stayed with us from then until New Years (and she’s actually moving in with us next year.)

Of course, now I have a Jewish boyfriend, Jewish friends, and I’ve done extensive research on Judaism. So this time I had background knowledge when she inevitably said... “You know, we’re German Jewish!”

I inquired a little. I asked her what she meant. How is she Jewish? I know my uncle took a DNA test this year and came back part Ashkenazi. But I needed a deeper explanation than DNA.

She revealed to me that her mom’s mom was Jewish. We believe she married a Christian man. Together they had my great-grandmother, who I believe was Christian. She had my grandma, who had my dad, who had me.

And I immediately felt like that changed things. At first I was (internally) like, Now I definitely need to convert! But then I was like, Wait, does this make me Jewish? Am I Jewish-ish? ...Can you be considered Jewish if you’re only ethnically Jewish but not raised Jewishly? ...Can you be Jewish if your dad is your only Jewish parent? ...Can you be Jewish if your dad never had a bris or a bar mitzvah?

I joined a bunch of Jewbook groups, began learning the Hebrew calendar & holiday schedule, and found some folks who assist with Jewish genealogy. They did some digging for me and apparently I descend from the Rothschild family. THE Rothschild family.

Who is a Jew? Who “counts”?

This is something I’ve been muddling over.

At Hillel, at my school at least, most people are pretty Reform. They’re very liberal with their definitions of Judaism (they believe in patrilineal descent and not only matrilineal descent).

They accept me and see me as actually Jewish ...and the ones who don’t... they at least see me as Jewish-adjacent, an “honorary Jew” or an “ally to the Jewish people”.

My boyfriend, however, still sees me as Not Jewish.™️ (For context he’s Reform but he’s trying to become as observant as possible) I know he only thinks this was because of how we began our relationship and because of how I was raised. But I’m very confused here.

Do I count?

Do I not?

Do I count *enough* but still need to go through a formal conversion process?

So...now what?

I don’t know how to navigate this odd journey but I have felt for a while that I have a Jewish neshama and I feel a strong need to affirm it. I just don’t know how or what is appropriate. Do I learn Hebrew? Sign up for a trip to Israel/Germany/Poland? Put up a mezuzah? Or go toward the other end of the scale, and head down a path of a formal conversion/reaffirmation process?

Thank you in advance for your responses and thanks for reading. 🤎

[iwantthedean]

A New Fall

Graphic courtesy of @atc74. 

Part Two: Paula Red. A charming combination of sweet and tart. 

Summary: Y/N and Jensen meet and hit it off, until she finds out why he’s really there.  Pairing: None … yet. Word Count: 1885 Warnings: Set post-Season 15, which I know makes a lot of people sad to think about. Square Filled: This entire series will fill my proposal square for BTZ Bingo.

A/N: Thank you to everyone who read part one! The feedback was incredibly encouraging. I’m so excited to continue this series and share it with all of you! 

Masterlist

An inservice day at the school kept you busy in the morning, but gave you the afternoon to be at home. You had done what you could as far as the farm without getting more information from Mr. Kemp, so you were going to enjoy just being in the orchard for the day. Maybe you’d even venture out to the pumpkin patch.

After you changed from your casual teacher attire to jeans, an old sweatshirt, and a pair of worn boots, you headed out the front door to retrieve something from your car before you forgot about it. A shiny sedan pulled up the gravel driveway and parked behind your car. For the moment, you forgot about whatever it was you had come to retrieve and shut the driver’s side door. You hurried the keys back into the house, then returned to the front porch in time to see a tall man coming out of the sedan. He slid his phone into his back pocket, then waved at you.

“Can I help you?”

He extended his hand in your direction. “I hope so. I’m Jensen Ackles.”

“Y/N Y/L/N,” you returned, shaking his hand. It was warm and oddly comforting, having your hand in his. “What can I help you with?”

He looked at the house, peering on other side before returning his attention to you and answering your question. “I just came to check the place out. I hear good things about it.”

“Yeah, sure. I’m the owner, so I can show you around. Are you ready?”

Jensen nodded and followed you back behind the house. With the orchard in view off in the distance, you talked about the acreage of the farm, the history of the place, then talked about the apples and pumpkins you sent to the market every year.

“They’re popular locally anyway,” you sighed. Then, you forced yourself to perk up -- whoever this guy was, he didn’t need to hear about your personal problems. “Are you new to the area?”

“How do you know I’m not from here?”

There was a teasing glint in his green eyes; you prayed that you weren’t blushing but the heat in your cheeks told you otherwise. “Because most people around here who dress in Carhartt jackets and boots like you are, drive trucks not rented cars.”

“Fair enough,” he laughed. “I haven’t moved here yet, but I’m considering it.”

You smiled. “Well, it’s a great area. C’mon, let’s head out back and I’ll show you around.”

The October air was cool and crisp, but the both of you were dressed for it -- and, actually, you were used to the cooler weather. You offered Jensen a ride in the farm truck out to the orchard and the pumpkin patch, but he assured you the walk would be nice.

“Did you grow up here?”

“I did,” you nodded. “After my great-grandfather bought the place, it was handed down to my grandfather, then my dad, and when he decided he wanted to move to the Midwest, he handed the reins over to me.”

“That’s really great,” Jensen commented. He blew on his hands for warmth, then put them in his pockets. “Ever thought about moving?”

Again, you pushed away thoughts of being forced to leave. “Never. I love it here -- especially this time of year, with the Fall colors and the smell of the apples. You’d think that living here I wouldn’t notice it anymore or enjoy it, but it just … it never gets old.”

You looked at him and smiled; Jensen returned the expression. The closer you got to the orchard, you noticed him taking deeper breaths.

“Smells pretty good, huh?”

He drew in another breath before answering you. “Yeah, it really does. Is it like this year-round?”

You shrugged. “Depends on what’s blooming or in season. We’ve got a few different types of apples, so that we have some available to sell most of the year -- but yeah, that apple scent is there most of the time.”

“Refreshing.”

You were glad he thought so. Maybe he’d come back more often to get the smell of the orchard. Or to see you. However it worked out.

Cool it, Y/N, you told yourself. You’ve got enough going on without adding a guy into the mix.

You knew you were right. Licking your lips and toning down the flirtatious smile, you cleared your throat.

“Have you ever picked your own apples?” you asked, reaching for a basket at the end of one of the rows of apple trees.

Jensen shook his head. “That I have not done.”

You handed him the basket and told him to follow you. “C’mon. We’ll change that right now.”

* * * * *

He watched her as she walked the row of trees, her eyes searching all of the apples on each branch, until she found the perfect one for them to pick from.

“You wanna start from the bottom, and pull from the tip of the branch. It’s okay to pull them a little under-ripe, so they store for longer. Just pull and twist.” She demonstrated the motion for him, dropping the plucked apple into the basket. “Sometimes they’re okay towards the top, too. Depends how fresh you want them. Go ahead, give it a try.”

While she retrieved another basket so she could pick some herself, Jensen gave picking a couple of apples a try. The smell of the freshly-picked apples was overwhelming, in a good way. After only a few minutes, he got into a groove, and the bottom of his basket was covered.

“Maybe I should slow down,” he chuckled, showing her the contents of his basket. “Am I doing okay? Yours look more ripe than mine do.”

He eyed between the two basket concerned that maybe he hadn’t been on quite the roll he thought. If he had picked this many apples that weren’t supposed to be picked yet, he was going to feel pretty crappy.

“Those are great,” Y/N returned. “I’m picking some that are more ripe because I want to use them today.”

“What are you making? If you don’t mind me asking.”

She shrugged. “Applesauce. Way better out of a crockpot than a jar, lemme tell ya. I figure I’ll make a good batch and jar some to send to the market.”

“Market?”

“The Farmer’s Stand. There’s a few farms besides mine that grow stuff because it’s been handed down over generations, not for a living. They sell our stuff and keep a small percentage. I’ve sent applesauce there before, apple butter, cookies -- a lot of different things. The locals love it.”

Jensen made a mental note of the name of the market. Maybe he’d stop there before heading back to the hotel later. Whatever it was about the way Y/N talked about the farm and the apples and the pumpkins and the baked goods, it made him want to try it all. More and more, this place was seeming to be a good investment opportunity.

He broke out of his thoughts to see her reaching for a particular apple on a higher branch. Jensen stepped up behind her and pulled the apple off the branch, just the way Y/N had shown him to do.

“Here you go.”

She turned a little so that she could look up him. Maybe it was their proximity, maybe it was the way that she smelled like apples and cinnamon and a hint of vanilla. Whatever the reason, he suddenly felt much warmer than he had when he arrived.

Y/N cleared her throat and sidestepped away from him. “I only need a few more, then I’ll take you out to the pumpkin patch.”

He waited patiently while she found the apples she needed, then they went back to the main house. They left the apple baskets behind the house. Y/N informed him that the pumpkin patch was further away, so they would take the old farm truck out there.

“Don’t bother with the buckle, it doesn’t work,” she laughed, pulling away from the garage. “So, tell me. What’s got a monster-hunter from Kansas out here on the East Coast?”

Jensen did a double-take. “A what?”

Y/N laughed again. “Okay, that was a lame line. I was trying to find a clever way to be honest about knowing who you are, but maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut.”

Jensen smiled. “No, it’s fine. I wasn’t expecting it, is all. Thanks for being honest.”

He wasn’t really sure why he wasn’t honest at that point. He could have answered her question, but he was concerned that it would ruin the afternoon. The subject of his role of Dean Winchester was dropped, and they made pointless banter the rest of the way out to the pumpkin field.

* * * * *

When they made it back to the house, Jensen found himself a little disappointed that their time together was over. Sure, he could find an excuse to see her again -- and, truth be told, he probably would.

“I’ll get you a bag for the apples. Do you want one for the pumpkin, too?” she offered.

He shook his head as he slipped out of the truck. “No, just for the apples is fine.”

She smiled at him, and he felt warm all over again. They both retrieved their apple baskets -- each with a pumpkin added -- from the bed of the truck, and went around to the front of the house. She left him on the porch to retrieve a bag for him, so Jensen sat on the top step to wait for her.

Another sedan pulled into the driveway behind his, immediately causing Jensen to panic. He checked his watch; based on the time, he had a good idea who was going to be getting out of that car, and it was going to put an end to his pleasant afternoon.

The moment Bartholomew Kemp stepped out of his car, Y/N came out of the house, handing him a paper bag. She looked up at the sound of the car door shutting. With a frown, Y/N skipped down the steps to greet the visitor. Jensen set the bag and the basket to the side and hurried to join them.

“Mr. Kemp, what are you doing here? I didn’t expect to see you so soon,” Y/N greeted, exchanging a polite handshake with the older man.

Bartholomew pointed to Jensen. “I was trying to get here first so you and I could discuss it beforehand, but I’m actually here to meet with this gentleman. Mr. Ackles, I presume?”

Jensen returned the other man’s handshake. “Please, call me Jensen.”

Bartholomew nodded. “Bartholomew Kemp. I take it Y/N already showed you around?”

Jensen chanced a glance at Y/N; rightfully, she was fuming. He could tell, even if she tried to mask her anger. “She did. It’s a great place.”

“That it is. Why don’t we take our own walk around, and we’ll talk numbers?”

“Sure, that would be great.”

Bartholomew made way toward the trees, almost the same trail Jensen and Y/N had taken earlier. Jensen turned to thank Y/N for showing him around, but she was already storming towards the house, stopping only once to send a death glare in his direction.

* * * * * * * * * *

The Whole Shebang: @illisea @ashleymalfoy @busybee612@mrswhozeewhatsis @sherlock44 @ravenesque@feelmyroarrrr @atc74  @theplaidshirtmadness  @blacktithe7 @moonlessnight14 @kitchenwitchsuperwhovian@smoothdogsgirl  @melbrandes  @xtina2191 @spnbaby-67@emoryhemsworth @goldenolaf25 @gabriels-trix@applesugar88 @rainflowermoon @deansgirl215@thisismysecrethappyplace @calaofnoldor @jerkbitchidjitassbutt 

Jack Attack: @tiffanycaruso @girl-with-a-fandom-fettish

Two for the Money: @jayankles @akshi8278@jensensjaredsandmishaslover @supernatural-jackles@adoptdontshoppets

A New Fall: @marilynnlew @backseat-of-deans-67chevy@traceyaudette @ellen-reincarnated1967 @maddiepants @littlewhiterose @tftumblin @monkeymcpoopoo @pinknerdpanda @thatgirl1456 @deangirl7695

[artnerd1123]

A Familiar World

Spring Sirensong  ——————————————

Outings in the seaside town were cold for Seraph’s first months of life. One can imagine her joy when it starts warming up. Of course, warmth isn’t the only thing awaiting her today... 

The masterpost for AFW can be found here. The chapter post for AFW can be found here.

——————————————

I wrote this entirely in one day! Wild. I think this is the most productive I’ve been on a chapter since... ever slkjfd Anywho! It’s some fluff with ser, in which she makes some very important friends. Hope y’all enjoy ;3c

                                                    ————

The past handful of months had been... interesting. For one thing, the shop was still in its beta stages. Turns out running a shop is hard for newbies. Evangel struggled to get stock to sell, much less show off her repair abilities. It wasn’t odd that her familiar stepped up. Seraph might not have had much experience in anything, but she was gonna do her darndest to help. While Evangel fretted with displays, Seraph got people to come in and look around. As the tailor worried over fulfilling orders, Seraph got customers to make them. Even while Evangel figured out an organization system for her creations and the shop, Seraph made sure their living space was put together. The kitchen was gonna look nice whether Evangel could cook or not! All in all, Seraph thought they were a good team. A great team! All they really needed was… more progress. More customers. More solid business plans, and less making things up as they went. Evangel was the one handling money. Seraph couldn’t help with the budget yet. She’d get there some day! She was working really hard to make it happen! But there was only so much she could do. After all, she was only five months old. Young even for a familiar. Made sense that she’d take breaks to play around.

Today, a break came in the form of a walk. Seraph was ecstatic to be heading out. Usually, she had to get all bundled up to go outdoors!!! But it was getting warmer. That meant she could slip outside in just a cute little sundress. Evangel might not be happy with warmer weather, but Seraph was loving it. She hummed happily as she skipped along, wings fluttering excitedly behind her.  “Thanks for takin me with you, mama!” she chirped. Her eyes shone in the new spring light. Her first spring!!! She’d never seen so much green before. She couldn’t get enough of it. “It’s so pretty out today!!!” “O-oh… its alright, I guess…” Evangel sighed. “Hopefully there’ll be something good for spring designs…” The sorceress had a clipboard clutched tightly in her hand. One of her special design work ones, if Seraph was remembering right. She was already eager to see the final products. “Maybe there’ll be flowers!!!” Seraph gasped excitedly. She hadn’t seen those growing since October! “Flowers come with spring, right??? You could draw some of those!!! And use them for dresses!!!” “Mmm… maybe…” Evangel fidgeted with her hood, eyes on the sidewalk. “But will floral patterns even be in this year…?” Seraph paused. Seeing mama sad made her sad. Being sad wasn’t fun! She didn’t want any sad on this nice day!!! Time to work some of her newfound magic. She stopped her skipping to reach for Evangel’s hand. She gave her a smile, patting her hand gently. “They will if you like em!” the hybrid said simply. “I know they will, mama! You’re the best at everything when it comes to clothes!!!” “Oh… thats so sweet, ser,” Evangel smiled, waving a hand. “Thank you…” Seraph just beamed back. Yes! There was that smile. It made her happy. It meant she was doing a good job. “You’re welcome!!!” she giggled. “I can’t wait to see what you make!!!” “Well, I’ve got to sketch first!” Evangel chuckled softly. The two continued on in contented silence. Past the shops, past the apartments, past the taverns and restaurants… all the way to the edge of town. Near the end of the main road, Evangel stopped. Seraph stopped too, looking up curiously. “What’s wrong, mama?” she asked. Evangel glanced at her. Sighing, she held out a hand. “We’re going up to the sea cliffs, sweetie,” Evangel reminded her. “They can be very dangerous. Take my hand, alright? That means you stay with me until I say we can stop.” “Oh!!! Right!!!” Seraph nodded eagerly. Her little hoof fit snugly into Evangel’s hand. Hopping from foot to foot, her feathery tail wagged in time with her wings’ excited flapping. “I’m gonna be right here, mama! Don’t worry!” “That’s my little doll,” Evangel smiled. Together, they started off towards the cliffs. Originator and familiar, off to enjoy the view. What more could anyone want?

The sound of laughter and singing joined the crash of waves. Evangel was off in a patch of budding wildflowers, sketching to her heart’s content. She’d told Seraph to go play. As long as she could see her mama, Seraph knew she could go where she wanted. So! She was having fun! Singing nursery rhymes at the top of her lungs was amazing. They echoed all around!!! Tumbling down the incline was just as fun. Her sundress could wash- she wanted to feel the grass and dirt on her skin! The little hybrid giggled to herself as she flopped backwards. Her wings spread wide on the ground, she hummed happily in the sun.  I wonder what other stuff I’ll see in spring, she wondered eagerly. Would she see more animals? More cool monsters? More neighbors? Or- or maybe she could start a garden! Evangel needed flowers to observe, right? And they were so pretty! I should bring some back for her!!! As she scrambled to her feet, though, something caught her attention. A sound. A low, melodic crooning. Like the breeze, or the sound a pan flute makes. But… different. It had this echo to it, swirling the sound into something she’d never heard before. As if the ocean itself were weaving through the air. It froze the little familiar in place. “Wh… what’s…? What’s that…?” she whispered. As she listened, it rose and fell in pitch. She could hear some sort of voice in there. Was this... singing? Her eyes widened in realization. It was singing. Absolutely beautiful singing. She knew immediately that she had to meet the person responsible. She had to. “Is… is someone there?” She called. Nobody answered. The song, however, kept going. Her ears flicked forwards as she looked for the source. It had to be close! How could she hear it so well otherwise? Sure enough, she determined it was coming from the cliffs behind her. So close!!! Her face lit up with joy, and she took a step towards them- -only to stop a moment later. … didn’t mama say the cliffs were dangerous….? Her mind twittered nervously. Seraph glanced over her shoulder. Evangel was still sitting in the patch of wildflowers. Sketching quietly. Back facing her familiar. She didn’t seem to hear the voice at all. Seraph took a peek at the cliff top again. It wasn’t too far away. She could get up there in minutes. And Evangel could still see her from there, right? So, technically… this wouldn’t break any rules. It would be fine to go up there, she thought, turning back to the cliffs. Just this once… Slowly, steadily, Seraph made her way to the cliff top. The song got louder as she approached. Sound and desire drew her forward. The grass went all the way up to the edge. It was a little weird to see it end so abruptly. She stopped before the very edge, of course. No need to stand somewhere so risky. Especially when she didn’t know how to fly.  She settled on her hands and knees, figuring she could take a peek this way. The haunting melody caressed her ears as she leaned forward. Just one peek at the singer… that’s all she wanted… just… one… peek… Seraph gasped loudly. Eyes sparkling, she stared down at the waves below. Something was sitting on the rocks. Or rather, someone. Someone with beautifully shiny fins, and glistening scales. Someone in soft, pretty shades of green and blue. Someone with little spots of pink and yellow along her back, and lovely stripes down her tail. Somehow, seraph knew exactly what she was looking at. A siren. And she was singing. Seraph couldn’t move from the spot. A siren! A real, living, breathing siren! Right there! She’d only seen mention of them in books at the library. The mention of their singing had made her feel warm inside. Like finding someone else who dedicated themself to your passion. Yes, they were dangerous. But she still loved them. She loved them a lot. Evangel had only ever taken home books about clothes, but music- and sirens- had been on Seraph’s mind since she learned how to read. She’d read all she could about them while they were at the library. And now… there was a siren. Right in front of her. She was absolutely spellbound. Setting her head on her hands, Seraph made herself comfortable. She was gonna stay there for as long as she could. The siren, meanwhile, seemed to know she had an audience. She’d sat up straighter, sending her song rolling far along the waves. One can imagine seraph’s sheer delight when a few more sirens surfaced. There were two of them now! No, three- four- five! Five sirens! All of them clustered on the rocks below. A blissful hum drifted from the familiar as they all began to sing. Their sound mixed perfectly… her own private symphony… … were they looking at her? Seraph blinked. Hastily sitting up, she hid herself in her wings. Peeking through her feathers, stared back in shock. They were! The sirens were looking up at her! They were too far away for her to make out expressions, but their song had changed. It was less wandering, and more… inviting. Encouraging. Welcoming. …. Are they… singing to me…? Quiet surprise continued as the sirens gathered closer. They were all such pretty colors, but varying ones, too. Like a bouquet of musical flowers. She just watched as they wove a song together. In the midst of their enchanting tune, the first started singing something new. It took Seraph a minute to recognize. When she did, she jumped a bit. Her nursery rhymes! She was singing her nursery rhymes! That meant- that meant they’d heard her singing up here! A siren is singing my songs to me, she thought, awestruck. A siren and her friends… they’re… they’re singing my songs to me… If heaven could come early, Seraph believed she’d found it. She shut her eyes, smiling softly. Just letting the music and joy wash over her. When the sirens’ song turned inviting again, Seraph found herself drawn to sing. She was small. She hadn’t been around for long. She could only manage to carry a simple tune so far. There were sirens singing down there. But, nonetheless… she let her voice join theirs. Just a little familiar, singing songs with sirens. In the moment… there was nowhere she’d rather be.

But, of course, it could only last so long. 

“SERAPH, GET DOWN FROM THERE!” a voice shouted. Seraph startled so badly, she nearly rolled off the cliff. Her wings slapped against the dirt as she scrambled to her feet.  The sirens below her quit singing, hopping off their rock. The familiar let out a cry of dismay as they disappeared under the water. Her new friends! Oh no! Glancing around fearfully, her eyes fell on the source of the yelling. Evangel was running up towards her. From the look on her face, she wasn’t too happy about where her familiar had gone. Seraph’s ears drooped anxiously as she approached. Oh no- mama’s so mad at me, she thought guiltily. “Seraph!” Evangel called again, once she got close enough. “What were you thinking, coming up here?! I told you it was dangerous!” “I-I- um- I-I’m sorry mama- I’m sorry-” seraph stammered, looking anywhere but her originator. She cowered away as Evangel got closer. But Evangel just scooped her up into a hug. A very tight, very worried hug. “Don’t you do that again,” Evangel murmured. “I thought you’d left me. Or fallen over the side. Don’t do that to me.” “I-I won’t, mama,” seraph sniffled, hugging her back. She buried her face in Evangel’s shoulder. “‘M s-sorry…” “I forgive you, sweetie…” Evangel sighed. Turning away from the cliff, the sorceress started back towards the flower patch. “Why did you go up there, anyways? What made you want to do that?” “I… um… h-heard a pretty song…” seraph mumbled. She pulled back to look at Evangel. Guilt was clear on her face. “I w-wanted to see wh-who was singing…” Evangel’s distressed expression seemed to soften at Seraph’s face. Or at least shifted to one of discomfort. “... oh… you mean the… sirens…?” She asked haltingly. Seraph nodded. “... ah.” Evangel shifted Seraph to her hip as they reached the flowers. Crouching down to grab her clipboard, she continued. “Yes, there are sirens by the cliff. But you need not worry. The cliffs are enchanted to keep their strange songs from bewitching people.” Seraph felt her face grow a bit hot. Strange songs? She fidgeted with her paws timidly. “W-well... i thought they were nice…” she whispered. Evangel hesitated a moment. Yeah, that was clear discomfort on her face. Seraph vaguely recalled she made that face a lot. Especially whenever her familiar wasn’t happy. “... mmm… perhaps…” the sorceress admitted. She tucked her clipboard under her free arm. “... did you… really like them…?” She inquired.. Seraph just nodded again shyly. Evangel was silent for a moment. Considering something. “... you know… there’s no harm in coming down to listen, sometimes,” Evangel ventured uncertainly. “As long as you don’t… you know… move too close to the edge…” Seraph’s eyes widened. Was she hearing this right? “S-so… I can come back?” She asked softly. “Hmm… yes. You can,” Evangel nodded. “Just be careful, alright?” Seraph’s face positively lit up. Beaming, she hugged Evangel again. “Thank you so so so much mama!!!” she bleated. “I swear I’ll be careful!!! Really! Cross my heart and everything!!!” Evangel chuckled awkwardly, giving seraph a pat. “Y-yes, well, I’m glad to hear it, but it’ll be later. We have to go get lunch now.” “That’s ok!!! I’m plenty ready for food!” Seraph chirped. She felt like she was riding on a cloud. As long as she could come back to that beautiful singing sometime, she didn’t care what she had to do. She leaned on Evangel happily, humming shreds of sirensong. 

The walk back from the cliffs was filled with quiet music. It may have been the first sirensong of spring, but it was certainly not the last.

[alexswak]

Animator Hiroshi Watanabe’s Interview

This is an interview with one of Studio Live’s main animators, Hiroshi Watanabe. For more on Studio Live and Hiroshi Watanabe, I recommend reading my previous post on Minky Momo. 

This interview goes into his start in the industry, the hardships of being an animator in Japan, and some technical tidbits. Although conducted in mid 1980s, most of what is mentioned here still holds waters today, and it’s interesting to see what changed and what didn’t from that time. 

First published in スタジオライブの本・らでいっく (1)　(Studio Live’s Book Vol.1). Translation by me. I’m not the most experienced translator nor am I excellent in Japanese, and although I think I managed to properly translate this since it’s not that hard or complicated of an interview, I’ll provide the original interview in case someone wants to check my translation for errors, for which I’d be pretty thankful actually.

Sorry for the long intro, here’s the original interview in Japanese.

-Moderator: Today we will be hearing animator Hiroshi Watanabe’s story since joining Studio Live up to the present day.

-Ashida (Toyo, Live’s Predsident): My, aren’t you serious.

-Moderator: It’s just kinda an official thing isn’t it *laughs*. Anyway, let’s start. First, can you tell us something from the time you left Kumamoto to Tokyo to join Studio Live?

-Watanabe: I was making anime by myself beforehand, but I had no idea how to draw in-betweens. Joining the company and using the tap for the first time made me see how real work really is different. At that time, 1000 drawings was the normal output of an in-betweener, but after all my effort it took me around 3 months to draw that much.

-Moderator: 1000 drawings in 3 months, how good is that? 

-Ashida: Fairly fast I would say.

-Watanabe: Yet Matsushita (Hiromi) drew that much in one month and a half… so at that time my abilities weren’t really good enough, and there was the tough in-betweens check; no matter how many times I redraw it doesn’t get approved. Lines are a bit dirty, erasing remains are visible… really small stuff. I had my own thoughts of course, and with that happening I felt like the people on the other side just couldn’t understand. It’s really frustrating, but you still need the money to eat so you keep on drawing… such situations are pretty tough.

-Moderator: “I drew those in-betweens that way because it’s the way I do it” or something like that?

-Watanabe: Right. I didn’t want to admit that I lacked the skills at all. That was definitely the case, but the fact that I had the mentality of “it’s my way of doing things” was… frustrating. 

-Moderator: Back then, and even now...

-Watanabe: No, thinking about it now, I’d say that period was normal. Yet back then, all I had in mind was “I’ll make them accept what I’m making”. And then I looked at what the key animators made and thought how different it was, which made me wish even more to become a key animator myself.

-Moderator: The thought of wanting to make an anime with your own sense...

-Watanabe: Back then, all of Live’s projects were adult shows. That’s why they seemed to lack the power. Although such projects are actually harder, I wanted to swing the camera more and move things around. Thus I wanted to become a key animator as fast as possible, and worked hard to achieve the goal of 1000 drawings.

-Moderator: Is it the same for everyone?

-Ashida: Not really, but I’d love if all of Live’s staff were like that. It’s a matter of future prospectives. Do you want to do in-betweens forever? Or become an ordinary key animator? An excellent key animator? An animation director maybe? Everyone is different.

-Moderator: And Watanabe wanted to become a key animator quickly.

-Watanabe: Correct. That’s why I, although not directly related, was so motivated to draw the 1000 sheets and become a key animator quickly and make the company acknowledge me, which enabled me to do just that.

-Moderator: So how long did you do in-betweening for? 

-Watanabe: I joined the company in April and did in-betweening till October. “Cyborg 009”’s first episode was my first time drawing key frames.

-Moderator: Not too long, huh?

-Ashida: It was actually a little too fast? But then, he was our prodigy. It’s not about drawing nicely, it’s more about instinctively knowing what anime is.

-Watanabe: Why did I want to become a key animator back then? Ashida-san wanted to show youngling’s power, pent-up emotions and new strength and abilities in “Cyborg 009”. I was there anyway so it was more like “we will give you a chance then” type of thing. 

-Ashida: As I said, the longer you do it the harder it becomes. At first, doing what you want is fine, but in 3 years time a wall will come, overcoming that will give you another 3 years before the next wall, until you reach a point where the wall comes every year.

-Watanabe: At that time, maybe because of being young, but I had the power to do anything. Everything I did was fun. In “Cyborg 009” or “Blue Bird” I overdid even the simplest scenes. It was all pretty interesting back then, be it anime itself or key animating itself… Then came “Arale-chan”, and after that came a time when I started paying attention to character consistency (looking the same), but getting full of myself I always thought what I did was fine and didn’t put in the effort to make them look consistent.

-Moderator:  “I don’t mind if they don’t look alike. It looks fine the way it’s” type of mentality? 

-Watanabe: I mean, Ashida-san was going to correct them. But I wonder if “Blue Bird” was the last project I did with my youth power. A bit after that I started feeling as if my power was fading away. 

-Ashida: Well, it wasn’t about losing power, rather more about having to do the same thing for a long period of time. If you can’t overcome that, then… You just can’t stay a promising young animator forever. 

-Moderator: What are your thoughts when you watch “Blue Bird” now?

-Watanabe: Watching it now… Watching it now… *laughs*. I find the projects back from the period I had power pretty good. Some small details look rough, but really the things I did back then were impressive. 

-Ashida: It’s not knowing fear. Now that you know what to be afraid of, going about it the same way isn’t possible.

-Watanabe: Right. I can refine the small details now, but achieving the same furiousness wouldn’t be possible. To this day seeing the dragon fight from “Blue Bird” (This scene) gives me goosebumps *laughs*. Why was I able to do something like that, I ask myself. 

-Moderator: Oh no, this is turning into an old geezers’ conversation *laughs*.

-Watanabe: So, being completely helpless with character acting scenes, action sequences were my chance to go wild and forget about the storyboards. That’s why I did what I did. And that’s why I had that much fun. Then it became bitter, bit by bit, drawing key frames I mean, until one point in 198X where I just couldn't draw anymore. 

-Moderator: Not being able to draw… what kind of situation was that exactly?

-Watanabe: Not going to Toei anymore, spending all day on Pachinko machines, that kind of stuff.

-Ashida: Truancy, basically.

-Watanabe: Along the way I started gradually wanting to draw again, drawing became interesting again. Then I said to myself, why not do some animation director assisting jobs, and since I have been causing all sorts of problems and troubles for the animation directors, I was so happy to be in a position where I can repay them. Everyday started being fun again.

-Moderator: What is an animation director assistant actually? 

-Watanabe: Key frames, prior to the animation director’s corrections, are terrible. Although my frames don’t get approved, looking at the frames that do get approved I see only the middle of the frame being drawn while everything else is left to the animation director’s assistance to fill in. Also stuff like character faces being completely off, all these things have to be at least “prepared for correcting” in this process. It’s more of a 2nd key animation role than an animation director assistant. It was nonetheless fun, and correcting characters like that made me feel like I made some progress.

-Moderator: What about “Momo” (Minky Momo)?

-Watanabe: “Momo” was fun. Although in 198X I was kinda mentally depressed, none of the key animation I drew for “Momo” was turned down or returned for retakes. So I just kept pushing on.

-Ashida: This is the effect of the ultimate “Opening Strategy”. Let someone do the opening and have the fame at first, it was the same with the animation direction role. 

-Watanabe: That was again a fluke of luck. My first job as an animation director was an episode with Kaijus fighting. With such things you just have to make them move, make them flashy and catchy.

-Moderator: Your speciality, huh.

-Watanabe: It wasn’t something I excelled at as much as it was something I had fun doing. Also, when speaking with Yuyama (Kunihiko)-san, I see he has something he wants to create with which I can totally empathize. Doing the normal life scenes without any interest, for example. So it got to the level of being a hobby where I give all my effort, rather than a job I have to do.

-Moderator: That’s how much you as an animator can get into in the project, right? 

-Watanabe: Of course, being at Ashi Pro means that things like drawings numbers don’t matter. Such situations exist, but at stricter places cuts are made at the storyboards or screenplay stages. Deciding to tune down here a bit or focus here a bit from the start means that all this is planned through, something we can understand and makes us feel like the whole thing is indeed worth doing. 

-Moderator: “Momo” was your first project as an animation director, how was it? 

-Watanabe: Doing animation direction is annoying. Fixing the key animation of other people requires all my effort, animation direction isn’t a job you can slack off at even slightly. That’s why it made me want to draw key animation even more.  That being said, doing animation direction limits me, but whether I’d be able to draw key animation if I didn’t do animation direction… Also, character acting stuff was handled by Yuyama-san, and I handled things like character faces. Those being Live’s key animation, I’d say MatsuX (he means Matsushita Hiromi) drawings were completely off, while (Kazuko) Tadano-san’s drawings were even more on model than mine *laughs*. Man, no more talking about “Momo” please. 

-Moderator: *laughs* Well, that was the end of today’s interview. Thank you very much.

[sand-rose]

Right back at you for all the ocs! I especially love the name apocothea (I think I spelled it right?) Its super cool!!

Thank you so much!! :) Sorry this took awhile to answer, I’ve been busy with work and other stuff. But here they are! I was actually in the process of redesigning my OCs when I saw the post (thanks to Sims inspiration and wanting to update how I draw them), so it was perfect timing! I don’t have the drawings done yet but maybe soon…

Full Name: Pandora

Gender & Sexuality: Female, Pansexual (yes, punny, but also serious)

Pronouns: She/Her

Ethnicity/Species: my Balanced Ego

Birthplace & Birthdate: my mind, August 10

Guilty Pleasures: She loves taking bubble baths. Bring on the bath bombs and fragrant soaps, and the (pink) rubber ducky is a must! She also loves stuffed animals (especially pandas). And it surprises a lot of people, but she’s also an avid fan of anime/manga and video games.

Phobias: Accidentally losing one of her earrings, which keep her balanced. She’s particularly afraid of what she might do if this happens, because she loses control of herself and becomes truly evil. A past experience in regards to this also makes her uncomfortable around sheep. (Even toys or drawings of sheep. She will get a flashback and start sobbing, apologizing to the ‘poor sheepies’ until they’re out of sight.)

What They Would Be Famous For: Probably owning the only fashion-themed amusement park in the Ego World, or her fashion designs.

What They Would Get Arrested For: Being a public nuisance, like getting too hyper and making too much noise. Because honestly, if someone told her to shut up she would only get louder to spite them. She’s not afraid to get in a fight though, so maybe that too… Maybe for throwing a heel at someone. lol

OC You Ship Them With: Reim. He’s much calmer than her, but loves her crazy antics.

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: It. He gets along with Pan better than Aurora, but he can only take so much of her 'hyper hyper happy happy joy joy’ personality.

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: romance and rom-coms. The blossoming love between two people! The heartbreaking 'is this it?’ fights! The oblivious misunderstandings! Burnt dinners! The hand holding, the hugs, the kisses…! (You get it.)  

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: When everything turns out to be a dream. Her Host loves this cliche. She hates it because 'what was the point of it all if it never really happened?!’

Talents and/or Powers: She’s a talented fashion designer. She likes to draw, like her Host, but when she became interested in clothes when she was younger she was frustrated that she couldn’t wear the clothes she drew. So she learned how to sew and began making her own clothes. She’s also very imaginative and ambitious.

Why Someone Might Love Them: She’s fun to be around, always a bouncing ball of energy! She likes pretty things, and considers everyone around her to be pretty in their own way. She’s the person who will convince you to try that new thing, or who will say 'Let’s go somewhere, my treat!’ when she sees you need cheering up. She’s also ready to kick ass if anyone dares hurt her friends or loved ones.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: She’s so hyper… Some people might find her hyperness endearing, but some people find it exhausting. She’s also had people judge her before based on her girly-ness, interest in fashion, and how she looks like a typical anime girl, but she doesn’t let it bother her.  

How They Change: She hasn’t changed all that much since I first created her back in middle school. She’s grown a lot more mature emotionally, I think, and she’s more careful about other people’s feelings.

Why You Love Them: She was the last of my Egos to be created, and she’s probably the best representation of who I wish I was. She’s daring, outspoken, bubbly, made a career for herself doing something she loves… I love her because even though that’s not me and probably never will be me, I still like to think that she’s cheering me on. “Don’t be afraid! You can do it!” lol  

Full Name: It

Gender & Sexuality: Male, not sure (he’s never given it much thought)

Pronouns: He/Him

Ethnicity/Species: my Alter Ego

Birthplace & Birthdate: my mind, October 31

Guilty Pleasures: He has a collection of weird t-shirts that he’s both bought and designed himself. He also has a collection of light sabers that he may or may not have bought off the Ego World’s black market that trades in Other World (Worlds of Licensed Series) objects…

Phobias: Becoming a soft goody two-shoes like Aurora… Gag.

What They Would Be Famous For: Nothing. He’s too lazy to really stand out much. And he’s fine with that.

What They Would Get Arrested For: Disrupting the peace. He’s got a temper, and when it flares he’s liable to kick/hit any object unlucky enough to be in his way. Be it a trash can, car, mailbox… He’s broken his toes for kicking a brick wall before. He’s also got problems with authority figures since he doesn’t like being told what to do, so if the police show up it would just escalate the situation. There was also the time he bombed Aurora’s house, but that was years ago, when he was jealous he wasn’t my only Ego anymore. He was a lot more evil back then, and Aurora (being the kind soul she is and understanding how he felt) didn’t press charges.

OC You Ship Them With: Apocothea. She keeps him in check and doesn’t put up with his crap, yet somehow sees the… best… in him…?

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Pandora. She gets fed up with his gloomy outlook on life and gets cranky when he gives her attitude. They get into lots of arguments over nothing, especially with their quick tempers.

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: Horror/Suspense. He likes movies with lots of jumpscares, gore, and freaky nightmarish scenarios. They get his blood pumping and while he’s not that evil enough to enjoy people getting hurt, he likes to think about what he would do if he was trapped in that house trying to escape the serial killer. And of course, though he’s not a clown or even named after said clown, he likes Stephen King novels.

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: It was love at first sight. He doesn’t believe in it, and if he sees that cliche he skips a few minutes past it or turns a few pages ahead, hopefully to a less mushy scene.

Talents and/or Powers: He’s great at video games. He actually earns money by playing video games for people who get stuck on them. They send him the game, he plays past the part they got stuck on to the next save, he sends it back. He’s been debating lately if he should start livestreaming, but his laziness in acquiring the equipment and setting up a room for it is currently holding him back.

Why Someone Might Love Them: He’s… It. lol He’s an Alter Ego who by all means should be trying to take over the world and plotting evil deeds, but either due to his laziness or from the influence of those closest to him, he just isn’t that into it. He’s just a cranky man that loves to kick over trash cans in my Sims game. lol

Why Someone Might Hate Them: He rubs a lot of people the wrong way, and with good reason. He’s not very social not because he’s shy but because he hates people in general. He comes off as rude when you first meet him, and he likes to glare for no reason. (He probably thinks it makes him look tough.) Honestly it’s a wonder people like him.

How They Change: He’s changed quite a bit since I first created him in middle school! He’s probably the most changed of all my OCs. At first he started out as a wolf demon, but after a few weeks he became my Alter Ego in a human form and stayed that way. He still has fangs, they’re just smaller. They serve no purpose, he just looks good with them! He’s also not as evil as he used to be, but like I said, I like to think that Pan and Aurora are a good influence on him.

Why You Love Them: He was my very first Ego! Way back in 6th grade I used to write and draw my own stories and share them with friends, and he got a pretty good response from them and they wanted to hear more about him. I wrote conversations between me (the Host) and him during free time in class and my friends loved reading them, and it kind of took off from there. Aurora was created next, then Pandora, and even though they were fictional characters I’d made up they started to feel like a second family to me. And they still do! lol

Full Name: Aurora

Gender & Sexuality: Female, Straight

Pronouns: She/Her

Ethnicity/Species: my Good Ego

Birthplace & Birthdate: my mind, February 23

Guilty Pleasures: She likes knitting and has so much yarn she doesn’t know what to do with it. She spoils her cat Cupcake with so many toys she doesn’t know what to do with them all. She has so many recipe books she doesn’t know what to do with them all. She’s actually a very neat person though, so another guilty pleasure would probably be cleaning. lol

Phobias: Heights, needles, and spiders (like her Host). I feel bad she shares my phobias. (Sorry, Aurora!) She’s also afraid of sharks, ever since she watched Jaws years ago and had nightmares for a week about them. She knows it's not good to be afraid of sharks and they get a bad rep, so she's trying to overcome that fear.

What They Would Be Famous For: Her cookies! She owns a bakery and while her cakes, brownies, and cupcakes are delicious, it’s her cookies that rake in the most dough. (Ha.) Every customer has their favorite, but hers is her creamy peanut butter cookies. They’re so soft and chewy, and she sprinkles peanut bits in so there’s a little crunch too!

What They Would Get Arrested For: The day Aurora gets arrested for anything is the day the world ends. She’s too pure, too innocent, to do anything resulting in arrest. She apologizes to insects when she has to capture them before setting them free! She gives away too many free samples at her bakery! She cries when she accidentally forgets to water a plant and it dies! If she ever gets arrested for anything, Pan and It may legit seek revenge to restore her honor…

OC You Ship Them With: Marcus. He’s sweet, she’s sweet! Their relationship might be normal and therefore a little boring to some people, but they love each other and are happy just to be together. They’re like an old married couple. lol

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Not a single soul. Not even It. (Anymore.) She’s too kind for this world. An angel!

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: Generally anything except horror and war movies. She gets too nervous and scared watching horror, and gets too emotional watching battles with people fighting and dying. She tends to like comedies the most though, since they’re usually upbeat and make her laugh. She’s also a sucker for heartwarming stories. Those Chicken Soup for the Soul books? She’s probably got the whole collection, regardless of the intended audience.

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: 'I had to do it. I had to kill them.’ She refuses to believe that killing is the only option no matter how dire a situation might be and will visibly get upset when she comes across this cliche. When she gets upset her face reddens and her lip wobbles, and if Marcus or Pan is with her she might rant to them about all the other options the protagonist had.

Talents and/or Powers: She is excellent at cooking, but baking is her specialty! If she’s mastered a recipe, she’ll master it again until it’s even better. And if she finds a new recipe, she will pull an all-nighter until she’s perfected it.

Why Someone Might Love Them: She’s such a sweetheart, bless her. She’s what the world needs more of: just honestly pure, good people. She’s the person who if she came across someone in need, she would give them everything she had. If you’re feeling down, she’ll do all she can to make you happy again. She’s definitely the mom friend.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: Some might consider her too good. Like It. He gets annoyed when she does things out of the kindness of her heart for no reason. He just doesn’t understand how someone can be that selfless. He thinks of her as a crybaby and she worries a lot, so that irritates him too. And others might be suspicious of her at first, wondering what she’s hiding or what she wants. But once people get to know her, they adore her and look to her for advice if they need help. Or just want free food. lol

How They Change: She’s probably the one who has changed the least. She’s always been the angel on my shoulder, the do-gooder. Someone has to keep the peace with the other two Egos around, after all.

Why You Love Them: Aurora is the one who resembles me the most, both in terms of looks and personality. There are some differences, though. She’s not shy, just quiet and reserved. She’s more comfortable with confrontations than I am, especially if it’s a matter of right vs wrong. I don’t have a problem with horror and war stuff. I wish I knew how to cook/bake. And I don’t think I could ever be as selfless as her. Basically, she’s a goody goody two-shoes, like It says. But it’s not a bad thing!

Full Name: Reim

Gender & Sexuality: Male, Bisexual

Pronouns: He/Him

Ethnicity/Species: Ego Entity

Birthplace & Birthdate: Ego World (specifically the city Venia), April 14

Guilty Pleasures: talking to his plants, liking movies that everyone else hates, singing in the shower, and he also enjoys the occasional bubble bath (thanks to Pan convincing him he was missing out on life if he didn’t take one now and then) (she was right)

Phobias: Moths. When he was little a big one got caught in his hair and he accidentally smashed it trying to get it out. It was messy and gross.

What They Would Be Famous For: Hopefully for his paintings! He does all kinds of paintings, and has even had a few displayed in art shows. He likes doing landscape art the best, because he loves plants and nature.

What They Would Get Arrested For: Not that he’s looking to get arrested, but he’s secretly always wanted to experiment with graffiti…

OC You Ship Them With: Pandora. Just when he thinks he knows her, she surprises him and he loves it! She makes him see how exciting and fun life is, and she’s always encouraging him with his latest art project and boasting about his paintings to her friends.

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Probably It. It and Reim don’t see eye to eye a lot… Reim’s pretty optimistic, and that clashes with It’s pessimism. They don’t exactly hate each other, but they get on each other’s nerves. “You threw off my groove!” “Fuck your groove!” Yatta yatta…

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: He loves animated movies. As an artist, he really appreciates them and considers them art, so he’s constantly rewinding scenes because he was focusing on the style or shading instead of what was going on. As for books, he likes fantasy. He likes escaping to another world, and fantasy can be anything and everything, just like a painting.

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: Not really a typical cliche but… He really hates noir style stuff. Noir movies annoy him to no end because there’s no color and he wishes he could restore the color so bad. He needs color! And when people talk noir style, with the witty and flirtatious old-fashioned banter. It’s just so cheesy to him… This extends to books as well. He prefers deep conversations between characters rather than quick one-liners.

Talents and/or Powers: He’s an artist, so he’s well-rounded in a variety of mediums. Painting, drawing, sculptures, photography… He enjoys painting the most though!

Why Someone Might Love Them: He’s a down-to-earth guy that has his goals set and has a plan to achieve them. He knows what he wants in life and he also knows not to get his hopes up. He does hope his dreams come true, but if not he’s got plenty of back up plans. He’s just a nice guy in general, always ready to lift the mood with a joke or a grin.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: For people like It, optimistic people can be annoying. No matter the situation, Reim looks on the bright side of things and his pleasant attitude and charming smile can make It angry. Because life sucks, and It knows it, but apparently Reim doesn’t. Reim’s not optimistic all the time, however, and he does have days where he’s a little moody or depressed, but he tends to keep to himself those days (so of course It doesn’t know that).

How They Change: Reim started out as a painting I did my senior year, so I thought it fitting to give him the painter career in my Sims game. Until that point I didn’t know much about him but watching him interact with my other characters has helped me flesh out what kind of person he is. He looked more emo and brooding in the painting, but in Sims he’s a cheerful guy who enjoys life, so I like that change in him.

Why You Love Them: He’s the character I didn’t know was going to be created. But I’m glad I did that painting of him years ago! Before I made him in Sims, I wanted to do more with his character and knew I wanted him with Pandora, but that was about it. Originally Pan was with someone else from an Other World, and for reasons it didn’t work out, but I think she and Reim are a perfect match. They balance each other out.

Full Name: Apocothea

Gender & Sexuality: Female, Demisexual

Pronouns: She/Her

Ethnicity/Species: Ego Entity

Birthplace & Birthdate: Ego World (specifically outside the town Abraxxus), November 2

Guilty Pleasures: Obsessed with Itachi from Naruto, so she has a collection of Itachi merchandise that shouldn’t even exist (her father knows people). She loves anime/manga and video games, and rock/heavy metal music. She also enjoys fan fiction (smut included, but she is picky about it).  

Phobias: This woman has no fear. You should be the one afraid.

What They Would Be Famous For: Not exactly famous, but her old classmates still remember the day the teacher was late and Apocothea calmly walked up to the front of the class and announced the teacher had been in a horrible accident and she was in charge now. She spoke with such authority that no one questioned her, and she proceeded to pass out copies of the 'worst fan fiction she had ever read’ for them to read and critique. It turned out that the teacher had been in a car accident (from speeding), and when the principal delivered the news everyone turned to her in fear. Of course she hadn’t really known… She just saw an opportunity and took it. She needed beta readers for her first fic, after all.

What They Would Get Arrested For: She’s too clever to get herself arrested. Anyone who leaves fingerprints and DNA samples is a Class-A moron. But if she did get arrested, somehow, it would probably be for making the police officer feel like an idiot. Or she would just ignore them and do the opposite of what they ordered her to do out of pure spite. Challenging authority and whatnot.

OC You Ship Them With: It. She wins all the arguments, basically, but they’re stupid arguments to begin with. They bicker back and forth, but it’s from love(?). I don’t know… Their relationship is kind of hard to explain. lol There’s not a lot of typical romance between them, but they do have their moments that say 'Yeah, they’re a couple alright!’

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Nobody’s brave enough to even try murdering her. She’d murder them first.

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: Like It, she enjoys horror. Except where he’s the guy to think 'what would I do if I was trapped in a house with a serial killer?’, she’s the girl who thinks, 'If I was the serial killer, I’d go after them this way… That guy’s an asshole, anyway.’ She also likes murder mystery novels, but she’s always disappointed when she figures out who the killer is halfway through the book.

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: 'The chosen one will save us!’ She doesn’t buy into the whole 'only this person can do it’ trope. Really? Only that person? But he’s an idiot. What if he dies? Then what? Guess the world ends.

Talents and/or Powers: I guess you could say her skill at Guitar Hero is a talent. She’s undefeated with all the Guitar Hero games (every mode, even expert). Other than that, she’s very talented at pretty much anything and everything, but especially at making people feel uncomfortable and fragile in her presence.

Why Someone Might Love Them: If you can get past her intimidating exterior, she’s a pretty cool gal. She’s kind of like Hana-chan from Fruits Basket… The things she says can come off as strange and threatening, but if you become her friend she would quite literally kill for you. She also has a younger sister named Analyse, and you can definitely tell they’re sisters from the way they look and talk.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: She’s very blunt, and if she doesn’t like you she won’t hold back on insults. Lots of people get offended when she does this, but that’s kind of the point. She can also be crafty in the way she talks to people, so sometimes they’re really not sure if she’s insulting them or complimenting them.  

How They Change: She’s changed just a little since I created her. Her relationship with It before was very one-sided, and she liked toying with him. She still likes to, actually, but it’s more affectionate now. She’s always been confident and in charge, but I think being with It has taught her that a relationship requires more teamwork and less blackmail.

Why You Love Them: Again, she’s one of those characters that displays traits I wish I had. She’s not afraid to be assertive, she loves herself for who she is, and doesn’t give a damn what other people think of her. And she gives off this vibe, like you really don’t want to trust that smile she’s wearing. Her calm but menacing demeanor really compliments It’s personality too, I think. He’s fire, she’s ice!

Full Name: Marcus

Gender & Sexuality: Male, Straight

Pronouns: He/Him

Ethnicity/Species: Ego Entity

Birthplace & Birthdate: Ego World (specifically a suburban area named Hannen), March 27

Guilty Pleasures: watching YouTube/EgoTube videos, memes, taking internet quizzes… And surprising Aurora on a regular basis with flowers and chocolate like the romantic sap he is!

Phobias: Puking and cuts on the skin. When he’s sick he gets very agitated and nervous and will refuse to eat solid food in case he can’t keep it down. (Soup and water only, basically.) With cuts, it’s not the blood he fears but the sensation of skin splitting. It stems from when he was a teenager and got a deep cut on his knee. Little nicks while shaving are no biggie, but papercuts make him lightheaded and make his skin crawl.

What They Would Be Famous For: He’s a very relaxed guy who honestly doesn’t stand out much, but his friends know him as the tech guy. Computer or game console acting up? Marcus knows how to fix it. TV or phone bugging out? Call Marcus, he’s your guy.

What They Would Get Arrested For: Like Aurora, he would never get arrested for anything. He’s too nice to do anything like property damage or fighting, and he’s never gotten a ticket for anything in his life.

OC You Ship Them With: Aurora. They’re so precious together, too good, too sweet! They dote on each other and probably unintentionally make other couples jealous. lol

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: It. Another goody goody two-shoes frustrates him even more than one. The only thing It appreciates about Marcus is that he’s not above using swear words (unlike Aurora). And maybe the fact that he’s willing to fix It’s laptop and game systems for free.

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: He really likes documentaries and informational books. He’s always interested in learning something new, and he’d much rather watch an hour-long documentary on EBS than watch the newest hit movie. He was the kid in school who always read the assigned Literature, Real World History & Ego World History, and Science books for fun.

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: He doesn’t like when a side character you grew attached to suddenly dies. They make you care about them, only to kill them off! What the hell?

Talents and/or Powers: Talented with fixing all things tech. He does claim it’s his superpower! lol

Why Someone Might Love Them: When you find a genuinely nice guy who cares a lot about you, you struck gold! Aurora loves his soft, sensitive side when he’s alone with her and also loves his corny jokes. People in general like how laid back he is, as he’s very patient and knows everybody makes mistakes. He’s the guy who will walk an old lady across the street if she needs help, the guy who literally climbed a tree to get a cat out of it (sneaky little Cupcake!). Nice guys do exist, and he’s one of the best!

Why Someone Might Hate Them: Again… There’s people like It. They get annoyed with the whole 'nice guy act’, especially once they learn it’s not an act at all but just how he is. They might get jealous when they see how much other people like him, but more often than not they come around, especially after he helps them with something and expects nothing in return.

How They Change: His character hasn’t changed much, either. He’s thoughtful, kind, cheerful… He’s popular with everyone he hangs out with, because he gets along with pretty much everyone. He’s polite, open to new things and opinions, and though he admits he might be a little boring to be around he also doesn’t mind. Such a great guy!

Why You Love Them: He and Aurora are a pair of cinnamon rolls, too sweet, too pure for this world! Even though I created him long before I met Alex, he reminds me of him. lol Marcus is the perfect example for how you should treat your loved ones, and anyone you meet, really. He’s like the Mr. Rogers of the gang, I guess you could say. He just wants everybody to respect each other and be kind to themselves and others.

Sorry if this got super long, I just really love these characters. lol Also! When I was reading your OC post I found it really cool that some of our characters have birthdays either on the same day or really close, that made me smile! :D

Thanks so much for the ask again!!

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

What I’ve Been Reading #1

Hey People of Earth!

Since I’ve been on my (accidental) writing hiatus I’ve been doing some reading and wanted to share the most recent stuff. As a preface, I don’t read very much, and have fallen out of touch with my love for reading--all of this being stuff I really want to change! So as a petition to get better at reading, I’ve opted to start this series and post an update at least bimonthly. This means, come the new year, I’ll hopefully be reading at least two books a month (pls)! If you have recs, throw them my way!

I don’t really talk about my reading preferences on here, but in short: adult litfic about girls or weird relationships = I love. Here’s a run down about what I’ve been reading as of late (in order of which I read them, since October):

1. The Sun and Her Flowers by Rupi Kaur

I don’t really remember this collection very much (I read it in October), so I can’t really say what it’s about, but here’s the summary if you’re interested:

Divided into five chapters and illustrated by Kaur, the sun and her flowers is a journey of wilting, falling, rooting, rising, and blooming. A celebration of love in all its forms.

What drew me to it: I’m not going to comment very much on this collection because it wasn’t really my style, and I didn’t really enjoy it. I kiiiiiiiiind of needed to up my Goodreads goal, sooo I borrowed this at the library aaaaand I’m not *super* happy about that decision hahaha

My rating: 1/5

Why: This collection kind of hurt to read, like physically, lol. There were some good ideas I enjoyed (like her commentary on culture), it was just the actual writing that I didn’t love very much? It wasn’t super memorable, and the collection read as one giant poem to me. However, I can see the appeal, it just isn’t my style!

2. Dead Girls and Other Stories by Emily Geminder

Dead Girls is a short story collection comprised of nine stories, so it was a rather quick read! Here’s the summary:

With lyric artistry and emotional force, Emily Geminder’s debut collection charts a vivid constellation of characters fleeing their own stories. A teenage runaway and her mute brother seek salvation in houses, buses, the backseats of cars. Preteen girls dial up the ghosts of fat girls. A crew of bomber pilots addresses the ash of villagers below. And from India to New York to Phnom Penh, dead girls both real and fantastic appear again and again: as obsession, as threat, as national myth and collective nightmare.

What drew me to it: I was browsing short story collections so I could get into reading more as I’ve recently started getting into short fiction, and this one popped up. The short summaries for the first few stories in the summary intrigued me, and when I read the first few pages off Amazon, I was lowkey amazed?? I bought her right away lol. 

My rating: 3/5

Why: I finished this collection two days ago, and oh boy was it a ride. I think the strongest stories are Houses, Choreograph, and Dead Girls. Beyond these three stories, I didn’t enjoy the collection as much. Nothing bad in particular, I was just pretty neutral on most of the stories. I found some of the stories meandered a little at some points, and I couldn’t grasp onto a lot of the others. I think the strongest story is definitely Dead Girls--if you can get your hands on this collection, this is a story I’d for sure recommend you read! 

3. What It Means When A Man Falls From The Sky by Lesley Nnekah Arima

I finished this collection yesterday! It’s comprised of twelve stories. 

A dazzlingly accomplished debut collection explores the ties that bind parents and children, husbands and wives, lovers and friends to one another and to the places they call home. In “Who Will Greet You at Home,” a National Magazine Award finalist for The New Yorker, A woman desperate for a child weaves one out of hair, with unsettling results. In “Wild,” a disastrous night out shifts a teenager and her Nigerian cousin onto uneasy common ground. In "The Future Looks Good," three generations of women are haunted by the ghosts of war, while in "Light," a father struggles to protect and empower the daughter he loves. And in the title story, in a world ravaged by flood and riven by class, experts have discovered how to "fix the equation of a person" - with rippling, unforeseen repercussions. Evocative, playful, subversive, and incredibly human, What It Means When a Man Falls from the Sky heralds the arrival of a prodigious talent with a remarkable career ahead of her.

What drew me to it: This collection was an interesting one for me. I was initially drawn to it because of the bomb story summaries, but found it was super difficult to get into. I don’t know if this was just because I was reading it at 2AM, or if the first three stories and I just weren't vibing, but after the first three, it was a much quicker read!

My rating: 3.5/5

Why: I enjoyed this collection quite a bit, but looking back, I can’t exactly remember why? It’s like a solid 3.5. The strongest story for me was Who Will Greet You At Home (I also enjoyed Light quite a bit)! Even though it’s only been a day, I can’t remember the stories all that well. I almost felt like some of them ended too quickly/I wanted to see a little more before the end. I’d recommend this collection if you need a quick read, but there are definitely a few stories I could’ve skipped out on. 

4. Lullabies For Little Criminals

This is the first novel I’ve read since the summer (oops) and I finished it just a few days ago! It took me foreeeevveeeerrrr to read (not the fault of the book, that’s def on me), however, I really enjoyed it! Here’s the summary:

At thirteen, Baby vacillates between childhood comforts and adult temptation: still young enough to drag her dolls around in a vinyl suitcase yet old enough to know more than she should about urban cruelties. Motherless, she lives with her father, Jules, who takes better care of his heroin habit than he does of his daughter. Baby's gift is a genius for spinning stories and for cherishing the small crumbs of happiness that fall into her lap. But her blossoming beauty has captured the attention of a charismatic and dangerous local pimp who runs an army of sad, slavishly devoted girls—a volatile situation even the normally oblivious Jules cannot ignore. And when an escape disguised as betrayal threatens to crush Baby's spirit, she will ultimately realize that the power of salvation rests in her hands alone. 

What drew me to it: It’s been on my to-read list for a while since seeing how much @shaelinwrites liked it, and someone else I know also liked it a lot! I didn’t even read the summary when I started reading because I wanted to experience it as I went.

My rating: 4/5

Why: I really enjoyed this book. It’s so thoughtful and my heart hurt so much during and after reading?? The characters were so well thought out and Heather O’Neill’s writing was amaaaazing. I spam read the last half in a day because it was sooooo good. I think there were a couple ideas I would’ve liked to see be more fleshed out, but if you’re looking for a really good book, this one is definitely one of my new favourites!

So that’s it for this little reading update! Let me know what you think, and send recs if you have any! 

--Rachel

[ask-mirai-and-friends]

Happy 2nd Anniversary!

On 13th October 2017 this blog turned 2 years old, and as those who visited my anniversary stream on that day know, I started a group picture there:

This blogs OCs’ and their friends!

Thank you all for 2 years of loyality, support and over 500 followers!! You are absolutely amazing! <3

(and yes it took me until today to finish it)

Mentions and some other stuff below; if you spot your character here, please read it:

Mabel the Togekiss - @shiruba98 on twitter

You always helped me out on tumblr so much in your time here, you loved my father-child duo just as much as I do and always sent me asks or guest art when I needed it. Thank you for still showing up in my streams when you can and our great chats on your server buddy!

Arko the Ninetales - @arko-and-friend

I already told you a lot of what I want to say when we meet up (I mean you’re sitting right next to me right now) but still! You are one of my most precious friends and I hope this will last forever!!

DJ the Mew - @ask-dj-and-friends

I chose to draw DJs original design here, mostly because it’s how everything began. (plus I was afraid that you’d change the design before I finish - what you did xD) Back then you suddenly showed up and stayed at this blog, I’m so glad we became friends and have the chance to plot and plan and just have fun together! You are a really kind person and should never stop just being yourself!

Star the Shinx - @ryancorrsin

You’re such a lovely guy, always there for your friends, up for a talk or rp, and how you write your characters is absolutely adorable! I’m really glad Tara found her little brother in Star and I hope they’ll be able to have their adventures for a long time longer!

Allen the Umbreon - @asktoastythearcanine

We shipped our cuties for so long, they just fit each other well and I’m glad they stay in this relationship even after your reboot. I wish you the best for your blog, it’s one of the few where I patiently await every update to adore your characters, their relationships between each other and your clean traditional drawings!

Felix the Dewott-Espeon hybrid - @FelixRukai on twitter

I know we had our differences, but I’m glad to still call you my friend! Our rp times were a lot of fun and I’m happy to see your stuff and characters on twitter or Discord once in a while! I really hope you’ll have a lot of fun with your OCs in the future too!

Brandon the Feraligatr - @ask-brandon-the-feraligatr

YOU! You were my first friend in this community and you came so far!! Champ I’m so proud of you and thankful for you staying with me all this time! I can’t thank you enough and asure you that I’ll be with you in the future too. For whatever happens, brother!

Snow the Umbreon - @Grassnack on twitter

For the last year you’ve been my biggest supporter when it comes to art, not only because of the commissions I was allowed to draw for you! You showed around my art, motivated me to do stuff and get better, and your streams are so much fun every time! I can’t even express everything I would want to tell you, but the most important thing is: Even now that you left tumblr, let’s continue to be such good friends, chat a lot and motivate each other!!

Lisa the Nidoqueen - @ask-nido-royalty

I know we don’t chat or interact a lot, but when we used to chat more it was a lot of fun, plus you brought me some great ideas that time. And every time I see you posting or even liking stuff I just have to smile, happy to see you still being around!

Noir the Meloetta - @ask-the-melodic-squad

I really dunno what to say here. You’re amazing, as an artist and as a person, have been my (female) best friend for like 10 YEARS now??!? I just hope this’ll never change, you’re like a sister to me and I will never risk to loose you! You can’t escape me ;3c

SM the Fennekin - @tailsluigi

You’re that one person who shows up in every stream of mine and I enjoy that just as our relaxing chats once in a while. I also love our art trades, seeing your art in general! We have a lot of fun and I’m really happy about it!

Moonlight the Umbreon - @occasionallyshinyumbreon

Umbre! It’s always so much fun to chat, plan stuff for our blogs or just fangirl over small things! I enjoy your art and blogs a lot and kinda adopted your OC Lissa as my baby already?? How?? When??? I just hope this can continue on and that you’ll have a lot of fun and support on everything you do because daaamn you deserve it you wonderful gurl!!

Jaws the Mawile - @ask-the-ruby-wanderer

I remember you suddenly showing up at the stream and helping me out with how to draw Jaws for the first time in like forever. I enjoyed our interactions with her and Lilly a lot! You hopefully didn’t loose your fun with the rps on your blog after all that time and enjoy this little thank you!

Coriander the Delphox - @ask-stockholmsyndrome

I don’t know if you will see this when I send it to you, but I really have to thank you a lot! You were the first one to give me the honor of drawing a commission for and I often showed up in my askbox and feed. I loved your characters on both blogs and am sure you’ll have more free time in the future to be creative again! I wish you the best for prep school, be careful out there!

Jaden the Umbreon - @ask-the-feathered-legendaries

Sorry, I really have no clue if your Sona has a nickname or not...but hey, I’m here to thank you for your help over a long time here on tumblr! You helped me with plot, characters, species and my commission sheet. Yes you were on of the few people who believed in me and damn I’m so happy you did! I wish you, this caring and nice person, the best!!

Kyle the Meowstic - @ask-random-pokes

You too were one of the first people I befriended here and helped me out a lot with this blog! I enjoyed our collab lately and hope we’ll be able to work together again one day. I’m rooting for your commissions to go well, your drawing-style improved a lot and still stood unique! Good job!!

Claws the Zangoose - @Laguna on Discord

We didn’t talk a lot yet, but you’re really nice and supporting. I’m flustered by all the praise you give me for my art and hope we can continue chatting like this and get to know each other better!

Flamma the Ninetales - @the-banished-ninetales

Buddy I’ll make sure you see this because I want to show you that I didn’t forget Flamma yet!! I’m so happy we got to meet in person last year, I’ll never forget that day in Munich for sure! We definetly should talk more again, I miss our talks about..well anything! May it be Pokemon-related or not. I wish you the best!!

Schatz the Sylveon - @ask-intertwiningtime

I really don’t know if you’ll see this, but I really wanted to include Schatz here! I enjoyed your characters, plot and the ships in all the time I knew about them very much! Plus you were always there for a lil chat and helping me! I still honour the commission you drew me all that time ago and am very glad to have met a person like you!

My characters: Olivia the Altaria, Kais Mom the Liepard, Kai the Sylveon, Baako the Poochyena, Solan the Cherubi, Titus the Rowlet, Hak the Arcanine, Lilly the Oddish, Gracy the Shroomish, Imani the Skitty, Yabu the Trubbish, Baby Vulpix, Amily the Taillow, Zea the Taillow, Imgar the Feraligatr, Tara the Umbreon, Mod Calu the Eevee (my Modsona), Devin the Zorua, Emmett the Quilava, Linus the Luxio, Rachel the Glaceon, Archer the Grovyle, Aaron the Pidgeot.

[toastydoodles]

(Art Blog) | (Twitter) | (Instagram) | (Storenvy)

((Had to get in one last post before the new year!))

I HAD THE MOST STRESSFUL FUN THIS OCTOBER doing these three conventions three weeks in a row, not to mention doing multi-day conventions for the first time! There were ups and downs but I had so much fun and by the end of my con season my brain was utterly fried!!

Thank you so so much to everyone who stopped by, and to those who followed me here sometime in the past couple months: Hello!! Thank you for supporting my art and I hope you enjoy your stay!!

That said, I’m gonna talk a bit about this con season. GET COMFY, ITS LONG

So con prep started in late August when I learned that I actually got into Kumori after having been on their waitlist for a while. I knew then that I REALLY had to kick my ass into gear lol

At this point, I was still in the middle of my 40 hr (+ 12 hr travel time) a week summer internship, so I didn’t have all day to work on my prints until the weekend, but my weekends were usually taken up spending time with loved ones and friends. Or gaming, since I didn’t have the time during the weekdays >_>

Then college came back around, giving me 4 classes, a student job doing graphic design, and club activities + homework! When I thought I’d have more free time, I actually had less! But with cons approaching, I drew more than I would have if I didn’t have cons AND found myself improving when it came to doing prints again.

The biggest issue popped up a week before BCC. LONG story short, I suddenly did not have a button maker to borrow anymore. I weighed my options: either lose money on potential button sales (which made up most of my sales in previous years) and shelf my button designs, or drop $500 on a button maker set to make them in time for Kumori and Jet City. This is also keeping in mind that I might not be able to do too many cons in the future.

I bought the button maker. But, since I am the luckiest daughter in the world, my parents swooped in to pay for it as an early Christmas present. I will be making so many wearable memes with this gift and I am GRATEFUL.

Another issue I ran into the WHOLE MONTH was not being able to take card. I’m forever rejected from Square (tl;dr, my phone glitched during signup and shredded through all the signup attempts I can possibly have. Customer service basically said “welp, sorry!”) and Paypal Here was entirely unhelpful, so I had to go the season as cash only. I won’t actually know how much this hurt sales, but it definitely hurt turning down some big purchases because I was one of the few vendors that didn’t take card!

I’ll definitely be looking into the alternatives for card readers soon! There’s a lot out there.

This year, I kept track of my sales and stock with excel sheets with formulas! It definitely kept things organized and helped me keep track of stock and see where patterns were, if any. It wasn’t perfect, but it helped immensely. I also kept very VERY close track of what my spending was like. 

I’m spoiling it before the end, but I was about $200 from breaking even. Luckily I’m not in a position where this loss impacts significantly, but it still stings! It could have been a result of multiple things, such as the hotel for Kumori being 1/3rd of my expenses ALONE, my choice of products/fandoms, not having ability to take card, and general attendee interest.

Let’s take a brief look at each con!

Bellingham Comicon

Glad to be back!

Bellingham Comicon has once again, been a joy. It’s a small convention but excited attendees pack the place and sales were good. A couple people recognized me from last year and I recognized a couple people too! I didn’t have my button maker yet but perlers seemed to be decently popular. I even made a custom Witch Mercy perler that sold 40 MINUTES INTO THE CONVENTION. It sold so quick that I didn’t even get to take a table picture until after I sold it! (I will say, when I put up that custom Sentai Genji, I upped the price a bit lmao)

I met a lot of amazing artists and got to do a bunch of art trades as well, something I haven’t really done in previous years! I was happy to see a couple familiar faces and meet some new artists too!! BCC is small enough that walking around and chatting to other artists and vendors is on the easier side.

I got a couple weird looks dressed as IT Damien from Dream Daddy, but was glad some people recognized me! I made some first impressions on some very cool artists in that cosplay haHA

While BCC is a comic convention, I didn’t feel out of place. There were lots of attendees that I would consider in my target audience and I didn’t feel like it was taking away from business. BCC is very much a comic and pop culture convention, with fans looking for all sorts of things!

Kumoricon

GOD WHAT AN ADVENTURE

Kumori was my first multi-day convention, and the farthest I’ve travelled for a con! Needless to say, I was anticipating this con since August, but didn’t know AT ALL what to expect.

We ended up driving down on Thursday and setting up that night, which definitely took a lot of the stress away. I also managed to compact my table and merch into a single tote, a print box, a bag to hold the wire cubes, + personal bags for miscellaneous stuff. So that was less stressful too.

Friday came and I was cosplaying Taako (which, as I found out, is 150% more fun to wear than IT Damien oops). The day was on the slower side, and some of my friends came by to say hi and ended up helping out at my table, giving me time to check out the artist alley!

Kumori’s artist alley was HUGE. And even more jarring: so many of the artists I follow on twitter/insta/etc were there. Somehow. Good lord, how many of you live in the PNW that I didn’t know about? I recognized an artist who’s art I love in line while waiting for badges and almost had a heart attack. Over the weekend, I met a lot of artists but it was only a fraction of the entire artist alley. I didn’t even get to meet all the artists I recognized!

So. Profit-wise, the con was kind of a disappointment. Oh boy, here’s a stat: I made about as much at BCC as I did at Kumori. In three days.

Again, this could’ve been a number of things. A lot of artists (many more experienced than me!), general interest, things I chose to sell, etc. But even so, many of the returning artists I talked to said it was slower than last year and some said the con is usually pretty dang slow.

But the con was fantastic in other ways. It gave me valuable big-con experience, some new art friends/mutuals, a fun time at the con and in Portland (good food!), and again, my favorite part, meeting a ton of cool, amazing artists and being able to make some art trades or to buy from them!

I definitely needed rest after this one. My brain was absolutely FRIED by the time we finally got back home and ate a late dinner at Shari’s.

Jet City Comic Show

Not even gonna lie, it was EMPTY most of the weekend!

I ended up having to table by myself, which wasn’t a problem with how lax it was. I even had time to doodle as well as finish a pen drawing! And I live pretty close to the show, so I could just head home once the days ended.

My table neighbor was super cool and I met a bunch of cool artists from all over the artist alley as well! This alley was pretty massive too, so I didn’t get to check out all of them. Being a comic convention, most of the artists were comic-based, with maybe a hand full of anime-styled artist from what I could see.

Many artists had their own published comics, and I enjoyed listening to their pitches (and took some comics home too!!).

My row didn’t seem to get a lot of foot traffic, but neither did the majority of the artist alley. And Sunday was even slower! Talking to other vendors, I found out Jet City is usually slow, but this year was slower than the last.

All in all, it was a nice quiet weekend and I was happy to meet more amazing artists at this con, as well as happy to get home and REST!

Overall...

This season was rewarding. Not in the money way, unfortunately. I’m lucky to be a position where it doesn’t affect me in a major way. But I’m always so excited to go to cons, and just being around fellow fans and creative minds is rewarding in it’s own way. I’ve also learned what to do and what not to do for future conventions should I continue to do them!

the real profit was the artists we met along the way

[dejinyucu]

2017 summary!

Hi, I’ve been busy :’) Here’s the 2017 compilation with my fav personal art I did each month :) ...which is mostly just a bunch of Tales of Zestiria and NieR:Automata stuff xD I’m happy I managed to have personal stuff each month this year! 2016 was mostly work and more work until I said screw it and ... stopped working “Orz. I’m tempted to do my fav work or project piece of every month, but I already spent enough time on this one x’D

Art goals for 2018:

FINISH MY PROJECTS, DAMMIT. Do more traditional art on my free time. >> 2016 compilation <<

Month-to-month insight and personal life musings about the year under the cut. Warning: It’s long, and everything is pretty much a bummer, so if you’re feeling bummed yourself, it’s be a better idea to go watch puppy videos than to read this xD

I did count the number of files from procrastidoodles, finished pieces, project stuff and paid work/commissions I had for each month saved on my computer and excluded the duplicates. They painted a pretty good picture of my mood and my mental state along the year, I think. I drew 240+ procrastidoodles this year! (again mostly Zesty and NieR lol) Most of them were done while burned out, during months after I tried to get a lot of work done :’) I spam most of them on my twitter nowadays. I keep forgetting to upload stuff over here and for that I apologize “Orz. January was a very productive month for me in general, while February was a burned out month (lots of procrastidoodling, very little of anything else... including work.) I was still obsessed with Zesty during Jan/Feb.The anime iirc was still airing back then and I was still trying to be sociable in the fandom. March started my descent into NieR:Automata hell xD It was also another “try to get a ton of shit done!” month, because NaNoRenO; I had a death wish and decided I could handle paid work and THREE personal projects at the same time. Ha. Hahahaha. =_= (spoiler: that didn’t work.)

April was the heavy burnout month after that. Actually I didn’t do that much procrastidoodling this month and I was in general pretty dead... idk how I managed to get 2 finished pieces done at all O_o; Maybe my procrastidoodling energy was channeled into them somehow...? May was when I threw the towel, decided to take a full break from work and projects, opened commissions and just did whatever I wanted. The Soremiku piece I picked for May was a collab with @alassetasartir​, she did the lines and I did the coloring ^^ June was apparently watercolor month! Also very procrastidoodling-intensive. July and August where... bad. I did pretty much nothing and barely got out of bed to exist (I did 7 things in August. 7. In total. Across all my categories. “Orz). I did work on the Amusement park piece in July-August and that’s my favorite thing I did in 2017, though! And by the end of August, I moved to a new apartment! Where I FINALLY GOT A 2ND ROOM AND COULD HAVE A DESK ALL FOR MYSELF AND MY STUFF WITHOUT HAVING TO SHARE IT WITH THE BF!! ;O; I wanted that for 5 years, 5 YEARS!!! *wipes a happy tear*

September and October were “catching up with the work I’ve neglected this year” months. I didn’t get much done in terms of personal things, though, because... work.

November was WORK OR DIE. I did *a lot* of stuff. A lot. I churned out stuff for projects and work like woah. And personal stuff was close to 0. I have only 4 doodles saved from November on my folders, though I may have a couple more on twitter? I tend to screenshot my doodles, post them and not save them ^^; And December has been a summer-hot, slow, short mess of a month; I suspect burnout, bc I can barely draw shit right now... or do anything else, for that matter “Orz. I seriously need to buy an industrial fan for that awfully hot computer room or I won’t survive January =_=; (in case you don;t know, I live on the southern hemisphere, it’s summer here and it’s awful)   As for art, I feel like I improved this year. I’m happy with with what I’ve been able to do and with what I’m able to do when I work hard! I managed to do personal stuff each month, even if it was mostly procrastidoodling, but still! :D I even did finished pieces almost once a month :) And I keep repeating it, but I’m extremely proud of my amusement park piece <3 <3 <3 ...But I’m also upset with how inconsistent I’ve been and still am when it comes to balancing all the shit I have to do and want to do ): Being productive, then burned out, then productive then burned out again has been my jam this year and it hasn’t been healthy at all “Orz.

As for life, it was... bleh. While 2016 was like a rollercoaster, with a lot of high-highs and crashing down lows, 2017 was just a looooong low ride. I went from the social online person I had become in previous years to slowly being a hermit again because I managed to screw things up with some people while I was also, once again, pretty overwhelmed with everything I had on my plate. The depression and debt I was dragging from 2016 plus the burnout cycle kept doing their thing on my mental health, and losing friends and getting dumped didn’t really help; yay bad timing :/ (I deserved being dumped, though; I was neglectful af and bad at communicating, so even if it was understandable bc my mental health was pretty crappy during late 2016-early 2017, it’s not an excuse.) I ended up with a lot of “what’s the point of getting out of bed today” days by the middle of the year. Moving to a new apartment with the BF helped improve a lot of things, though, and for that I’m very grateful! Also having a dog helps a lot, I may feel like a waste of space that can barely exist, but my dog needs to go outside for potty at least twice a day :’D Since then, I’ve been working towards a more balanced life, with more successes than failures, but still not quite there yet. I still have a few days peppered here and there where I feel heavy and sad and unable to get out of bed and I barely eat... but I try to not dwell on them for too long (speaking of which, I should shower and attempt to exist today... “Orz). When I look back and think of the highlights of this year, it’s all stuff that happened to other people around me.  I just... kept struggling with my bad choices and poor mental health to pay the bills, pay my debts and don’t disappoint ppl. But such is life for a lot of folks, isn’t it? So let’s say... the positive highlights of this year were the new apartment and NieR:Automata xD Also @yunalescasakura​ , she’s been a sweetheart this year to me and I don’t deserve her. I believe everything will be better once I manage to finish my project stuff (450+ unpaid hours to go... :’DDD) and I can’t wait for the day that I’m finally free from that to start a new chapter. By this time next year I should be done with projects and will be able to get a better balance!! I JUST HAVE TO ENDURE ONE MORE YEAR!! >_</ What I’m looking forward in 2018, besides finishing all my shit, is to buy a pen display! I’ve been saving slowly for one! I can’t afford a Cintiq, but I’m eyeing an xp-pen 15.6 *v* I also want to try to do traditional art once a week, probably during the weekend... I seriously need a break from drawing on the computer all day, and watercolors and colored pencils relax me so much... I want to buy a good webcam eventually to livestream/record speedpaint videos of it, because I love watching videos of people doing traditional art, haha ^^; Hopefully, in 2018 there will be a couple of Visual Novels released with my art, not counting my own stuff. I’ll also be resuming work on CDC: SideB as a hired artist this time around, since I can’t find the time at all to work on it otherwise. I sincerely hope I’ll be able to find mental space to be sociable in 2018 again, I hate being a hermit “Orz. That’s my goal for 2018: Find balance, kill the burnout cycle and be sociable again!

If you managed to read all of this, thank you. Thanks for being around, thanks for the nice messages that some of you somehow still send me even when I’m barely around anymore. I hope in 2018 I can give back to you all a lot more than I was able to this year. May the new year in ahead of us be full of nice things for everyone!

[kmalexander]

2020 in Ten Significant Photos

Today is December 19th, also known as March 294th, around our house. 2020, man. 2020. I think we can all agree it’s been a terrible year. If not personally, then nationally and globally. And we still have twelve days left. Feels like it’s been forever and yet, somehow, no time at all.

The tradition around here dictates I need to assemble a post wherein I share ten photos from the year representing the most significant moments of my personal past 365-ish days. Normally, I look forward to this, but 2020 was tougher than most. This time around, I wasn’t so eager to ponder how the year went. I didn’t want to dwell on the events that have unfolded. But I did. And below is the culmination of that effort, for better or worse.

The rules are simple but firm, pick ten photos from your past year that are the most significant to you: positive or negative—significance can be found in either. But it can’t be more, it can’t be less. Some moments will have to fall by the wayside—and that’s intentional—culling is essential. It’ll help create a more realistic picture of your year. Some years will be harder than others, and sometimes you’ll need to discover significance in the smaller, quieter moments. The ten are irascible, and they’re relentless. It is the way.

So, enough talk! Let’s take a look at my 2020 distilled into ten significant photos.

The Multnomah Whiskey Library in Portland

We began our 2020 by going on a trip to celebrate Kari-Lise’s birthday. Ah, those carefree halcyon days. Feels like a lifetime ago. This time we took an extensive food-focused trip to Portland and Hood River, Oregon. It was easily one of the best trips we’ve taken together and a wonderful way to celebrate Kari-Lise’s birthday. We ate and drank and tasted so many incredible things. I had planned to put together one of my standard travel posts a few months after we returned, but 2020 had other plans. It’s odd to looking back. It feels like a different era.

Amberlynn being cozy. (Photo by my brother, Nick Alexander.)

Not long after our return from Portland, my brother Nick and my sister-in-law Hallie welcomed their second child, Amberlynn, into the world in February. With Liesel and Blakely arriving last year and Amberlynn this year, I now have three nieces that have all shown up in a very short time. Can’t wait to watch them grow up and spoil them rotten. I’ve yet to meet Amberlynn. (Details why in the next photo. You can probably guess.) But, I’m looking forward to the day I do.

Pandemic hair. Pandemic mask. Pandemic isolation.

So, the obvious one—the COVID-19 pandemic. I could wax poetic about everything that’s happened in the last ten months, but we’ve all been dealing with this. What can I say that hasn’t been said already by a thousand other folks? I am tired of staying at home. I miss my family and friends. At the same time, I know it’s the right thing to do, and I’m blessed that I have a job that allows me to do it. Please do what you can to stay safe and healthy. Be kind. Wear a mask. Social distance. Avoid groups. Get your vaccine when you can. All that stuff.

Not where you want to find yourself at 3AM

2020 was the gift that keeps on giving. Early in the pandemic Tyrant, one of our two old dogs (he’s fifteen!) started having breathing issues one Saturday morning, and we had to take him to an emergency vet. That turned into early morning calls and early morning trips to the pharmacy. The same weekend our other old dog, Suge (she’s fourteen!), had a cyst that burst on her back leg, so she ended up in the doggie hospital for minor surgery. Two dogs. Two hospitals. Many vets. All in the middle of a pandemic. It was an exhaustive and stress-filled four days. Thankfully, both dogs are doing well. Suge is back to her rambunctious self. Tyrant is still sleepy and lazy and gets to take doggy pills three times a day.

Welcome to the CHAZ

Black Lives Matter. I don’t know why that’s a difficult concept for some people to grasp. This summer was similar to summers in other parts of the country. Protests. Marches. Police action. Bits of violence. For a brief moment, Seattle had the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone and offshoot of the protests, which drew most of the country’s attention. The outgoing President might have declared Seattle an “Anarchist Jurisdiction” (whatever that means,) but the tales of chaos were greatly exaggerated and largely overblown. Ignore your weird uncle on Facebook. The CHAZ only lasted for a few weeks. Demonstrations there have largely faded away. But the BLM movement rightfully continues, and I don’t think it’ll stop until we see systematic change.

Kari-Lise in front of the titular Night Garden

Kari-Lise revealed Night Garden, her latest solo show at Roq La Rue, and it was wildly successful! It’s strange to have a gallery show in the middle of a pandemic. There was no official opening. No opening night crowds. No afterparty. But the show premiered online and ended up selling out. I feel like I broken record repeating the same thing I do every show, but I think this series was her best work ever. I’m incredibly proud to see how she continues to evolve as an artist. Can’t wait to see what she does next.

Pork chop sandwiches! (Technically pork butt, but references.)

So, I’ve always liked cooking, and this year was no different. If anything, this year I cooked even more, since I had more time at home. I feel like I dialed in my meat-smoking game and got a little better at baking (like everyone else, but I’m still not great.) This little BBQ sandwich was 100% made from scratch. Smoke pork butt. Steamed/Fried sourdough half-way buns. Homemade dill pickles. Homemade pickled onions. Stone ground mustard. Yes, it was delicious. Yes, I made it more than once.

Sunset on the Colvos Passage

In October, we briefly escaped one house to retreat to another. We rented an incredible cabin on Vashon Island, only a ferry ride away from Seattle. We spent a week on the island. We hiked, explored, cooked, relaxed, read a ton, soaked in a huge bathtub, took showers in an outdoor shower. I also took the time to revamp this website. And we were able to do it with proper social distancing! It was a chill and relaxing week away from the world and unplugged from a stressful news cycle. We loved it so much we are planning a return visit in January. So don’t be shocked if a similar photo appears in next year’s list.

I voted! You voted! A lot of us voted!

One of the wildest and most important elections in my lifetime happened, and what an election it was. Records were smashed. Norms were abandoned. Lawsuits were filed and quickly tossed out when no evidence could be presented except for wishes, hopes, and dreams. (Turns out wanting something to be true won’t make it true.) It was great to see so many Americans actively involved in the civic process. King County, Washington (where I live) had an 85% turnout, which I never thought I’d see in my lifetime. It made me really proud of my city, county, state, and country. Nice work, America. Let’s keep this trend of civic involvement going.

New floors and a fantastic built in room divider bookcase built by my pal Steve.

It’s hard to encapsulate this in a single image. Like much of the world, 2020 became the “Year of the House” for the Alexanders. This had been the plan for us before the pandemic set in, and we had been saving toward it for a while. We bought this place in 2010, which means we’ve been living in our house for a decade, and it was past time to put a little love back into the place. That means, among other things, new paint, new roof, new floors in several rooms, lots of love pour into the garden, new countertops, that fantastic bookcase in the picture above, and we’re in the middle of a bathroom remodel. It’s been awkward, stressful, and a bit odd at times juggling all this work with the pandemic, but we think it’ll be worth it.

In Conclusion

Looking back at everything that happened in 2020, I was surprised to find how much significance happened even while I spent most of my time here at home. The ten photos above don’t begin to cover everything that happened. My sister-in-law’s father, Tom, passed away, a dear man, and we could only send condolences from afar. Friends and family got sick, and not just from COVID. Pets passed away. People lost jobs. There were the forest fires and the awful weeks of smoke that blanketed much of the PNW. MURDER HORNETS.

But it wasn’t all awful events. New hobbies were found. New skills explored. Moth & Myth continued its wild growth and is leaping into a new phase of business. Friends published books. Friends made art. Friends had shows. Friends wrote new books and game systems. We all learned how to video conference (for better or worse.) There was good to be found even among the muck. I’m not going to miss 2020. It might have been an awful year, but it’s probably been one of the most notable years of my life.

So, how about you? What did you experience in 2020? What are your ten? Assemble them and leave a comment with a link! Let us all know about the significant events in your year.

Want to revisit my photos of past years? The experiences then seem almost charming now. Just click on any of the links below and check out my pictures from that specific year. I find it fascinating to watch subtle changes year over year.

2014 • 2015 • 2016 • 2017 • 2018 • 2019

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