#i dont want to make you guys feel bad or something idk
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i had this old man teacher in middle school who basically was Charles Xavier. i mean, he looked the part, he sounded the part, he acted the part- really the only difference was the lack of telepathy and he could walk. and the name i guess.
well i ran into him the other day and his recently wedded husband. they met when he was in the military forever ago and reconvened and inevitably tied the knot.
his husband’s name?
Erik.
i am being dead serious. a part of me evaporated.
What in the reddit story…….. youre yanking my chain SURELY…. But if youre not has his husband ever expressed revolutionary ideation or—
#snap chats#guys im scared im supposed to have class rn but no one else is here#and there was no sign on the door an i dont have access to our Class Board or w/e to check for announcements#sitting in a dark ass lonely ass classroom by myself drawing old people…. ill leave in twenty mins#not like id be doing anything else but i just wanna know if i missed somethin….#peopel usually get in this class like ten mins early esp my prof#the room crowds quick and its small as is so people usually want a good spot#I For Once left early to get My Spot but…. ill be so pissed if this the pnly time class was cancelled or somn CMON 😭#oh right the ask tho. WOSNWKS YOURE LYING I REFUSE TO BELIEVE YOU THATS WAY TOO COINCIDENTAL#if true get your ass a lottery ticket. and then throwme like idk 3k im tryna buy two statues#so funny if true… i refuse to believe it… but itd be very funny if true….#ok im fr scared have any of you ever played Bully#ok well yk when you do something bad in bully like Trespassing theres that like. ‘Trespassing’ thing blinking on your hud#THARS HOW I FEEEEL I FEEL LIKE ‘TRUENCY’ AND ‘TRESPASSING’ FLASHING ON MY SHIT HEEELP#w/e. anyway congratulations to your not-charles-xavier-but-close-enough teacher and his husband#so funny you say this tho i had plans on making a comic with a wedding joke…. the stars are alligning i fear..#BUT im finishing up one thing en so. another day…..
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vinnayyyyyyy idk if anyone has asked you before but what are your post canon visions for all the surviving characters??
HIIII umm let me pull some thoughts out of my beautiful mind.
The only thing i have really ever ruminated on is the idea of Jacobi showing up at Minkowski’s house after disappearing off the face of the earth for several months and forcefully moving in on her couch. Minkowski who is in the process of trying to heal her relationship with her husband who thought she was fucking Dead and who is going through a Lot because that healing process comes with realizing just how much she has to tell him about what she Did up there and then Jacobi, one of the guys who was greatly impacted by the things Minkowski Did, shows up like hey lol. Im here to be your reoccurring sitcom side character.
i think Jacobi shows up to her place because he’s incredibly aimless without si-5 work and without Kepler to follow around like a lost dog. He absolutely guilts her into it because he Knows that she feels bad about Maxwell and i think his lost dog schtick really nails home how much hes lost and she feels responsible for his aimlessness on earth. And also in a weird way his anger towards Minkowski is also a memory of Maxwell and that all funnels together into a weird brain concoction of feelings that make him feel very Attached to Minkowski, even if he doesn’t like her.
Any other characters are a lot more vague in my mind. I have absolutely no clue what they would do with Hera and her supergiant supercomputer brain but through the power of “dont worry about it” maybe they just turn her into a home security system or something. I don’t think she’d like it but they don’t have much for other options.
I think a lot about Eiffel’s memory loss and. While i dont Like it. If i had to play in the space with it, i feel like Eiffel should regain those memories. And, playing into the fact that Doug Eiffel is a coward, i think it would be interesting if him regaining his memories on earth had to be an intentional process that he had to work through in order to gain those memories. Because then there is the possibility of him realizing more and more about who he is and having to wrestle with the idea of just taking the cowards way out and continuing to forget. Forget what happened, forget everything he did, forget why he was ever sent up to orbit wolf 359, and just move on as this new version of himself instead of having to address the person he is. Could be fun. Could be silly. I envision him and Hera wandering around his mindscape (dont ask me how they have the resources to jack her in there) and idk i think it could be interesting to play with the visuals of actively having to go find your memories in your mind.
lovelace…. Lovelace…… i want good things for her. I do not know if they would come to her easy back on earth. I feel she would be very restless. I think she would go hard into no-contact, no way to track her down, disappearing to a beach off the coast of nowhere for a while to decompress after four years of the torture labyrinth. I think that has mixed results and has the capacity to tip over into just pure isolation. After some time maybe she wraps back around to keep in touch with Eiffel to make sure he’s doing okay and then just keeping in touch with the others over time. But i think shes going to need a lot of support once she gets down there.
and this is all without really considering any Goddard related nonsense. I think a post-canon wolf 359 has the capacity to just delve into More Story Happening. I think Lovelace should plan to infiltrate Goddard futuristics to literally blow it up from the inside. That could be a fun spinoff series. But thats its own entire thought process and im just looking at this through a pov of “what if they were returning back to normal lives on earth”
#paragraphs BLAST.#asks :0]#wolf 359#yelling. screaming even :0]#No thoughts here about Pryce sorry I really don’t know …#Any thoughts I would have for her would definitely lean more into wolf 359 spinoff territory
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Ughhhhhhudhdudhtsgh
Have them,,,
So tired
No motivation but whatever
#i wanna do a lot of things but i just cant#probably going to have to walk in and tell them i have nothing.#again.#whatever#i did it literally every other time#ill get by at the least#my art#its ryan and min but im not gonna tag that#i suppose this is more vent art but i hate tagging it#i hate posting it#i dont want to make you guys feel bad or something idk#hm#ry is another character that i relate a lot to#at least i know what that means now#it was the same thing with marcy#friends and shit#what am i saying anymore#im just gonna post it
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maybe its just me but i cant stand when people are like "it just doesn't sit right with me how teruhashi thought about aiura 🥺" like yes... its not supposed to ??? because her thinking badly of other girls and prioritizing male validation over everything is one of her main flaws ??? can we talk about that WITHOUT making it seem like shes not allowed to have a single actual flaw without suddenly becoming an awful person? nobody can handle complex female characters at all and its so fucking annoying
#you guys all missed the point of her development AND her and saiki's relationship development#like did you miss the parts where the only times he genuinely seems to not like something she does is when shes mean to other girls#and he still understands that she isnt a bad person for having bad thoughts in the private comfort of her mind#and besides... in this case she was literally just being a dramatic and insecure teenage girl LMAO#like dont fucking lie to me and tell me when you were her age you didnt have similar thoughts#youre worse than her if you lie about it while judging her for it#sorryyyy#she shouldve been MORE unhinged youre all just cowards#AND ALSO ? how can something even be 'mean' if its just a thought#thats like if u opened ur friends private diary without permission and then unfriended them over something they said in a random upset vent#and in this specific situation if u found out ur friend called someone a bitch because they liked the same person as her ??#LIKE THATS ?? its bad but its not as crazy as you guys make it out to be#shes allowed to be angry and insecure in the privacy of HER OWN MIND#idk if this makes sense but i just feel that her thoughts are more of a concern about her wellbeing than anything else#like she canonically is extremely kind to others even when she doesnt want to be so why are we worried about how she treats others.#theyre fine. im worried about HER.#and WHY her mindset is so negative... but u guys dont give a shit because u cant handle even a spec of complexity#sorry ive said all this before i just like to rant#saiki k#tdlosk#the disastrous life of saiki k.#teruhashi kokomi#meows post
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I would commit murder to see the interview these pictures are from
#im feeling very monza 2011 today i guess!!!#nah but seriously PLEASE I WANT TO WATCH THIS SO BAD#I NEED CONTEXT FOR THEIR INCREDIBLY AWKWARD HUG#let me describe these photos for you bcs they are all just peak vettonso:#the first one where theyre smiling and looking at each other 🥰🥰🥰#and the second where theyre both smiling at the interviewer(?)#third and fourth i describe as: twink about to pounce#like seriously seb what is he talking about that is making you look at him like you want to eat him#fifth is sending me like ITS SO AWKWARD AND I LOVE IT#just my fav thing about 2010s vettonso where seb is so excitable and touchy and etc#and nando is like: i dont want to be here rn get him off me DJKFLGL#stop it Fernando. i know you want to.#and then last one idk i really like it. you guys know how i feel abour chairs.#i guess to me theres something about how differently they're sitting#like seb is more open and relaxed and Fernando is a lot more curled up and small#ANYWAYS WHERE IS THE VIDEO OF THIS 😭😭😭😭 I NEED IT#this actually adds to my bafflement abt their dynamic at this gp#bcs this is how the race wknd starts off and isnt it truly wonderful? that fernando then says 3 days later: fuck u my boy#f1#formula 1#sebastian vettel#fernando alonso#vettonso#2011 italian gp#we do a little bit of f1
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sorry to be doing mcu throwback complaints again and EXTRA sorry for it to be about cacw and aou, sorry, i just am thinking again that if marvel had. in aou. committed to letting steve rogers see that captain america graffiti calling him a fascist with his own two eyes i would have forgiven many of their subsequent deeds and crimes
#like hey. hey shh. cacw but they engage with the politics of it and also have in a previous movie made him look at that graffiti. chefs kiss#WHAT IF THEY LET HIM MAKE A SPEECH. CACW BUT IF THEY LET STEVE TALK. UTOPIAN#i know asking that of mcu is like asking a toddler to build you a house but its just SO INTERESTING. TO ME#THAT IT WAS MADE AND FILMED AND THEN SCRAPPED#that they had steve's reaction be to just remove the helmet identifying him with that symbol and Continuing On#it's just interesting is all i am saying it's Interesting#note: i am obviously not saying steve's a fascist i just think it would be INTERESTING for Little Guy Of WW2 Fame to see it with his eyes#maybe i'm just still mad that my captain america press conference was stolen and turned into a peggy funeral idk. sigh#i'm done i'm done i promise. i don't have fatws open in another tab letting it microwave my brain. dont worry#kayvswords#mcu desperately trying to tell stories without telling an actual story is so genuinely fascinating to me#they want the themes and aesthetics without the substance but like. it's a story. it'll say something whether you want it to or not#idk idk idk. fatws is also i think peak mcu politics it's very funny. fascinating company. theyre so bad at movie#WHY DID CACW HAPPEN LIKE THAT. WHO THOUGHT IT WAS SMART. christ god#i feel like i should tag this as something so i don't get jumped but idk if that's still the vibe here kfdjglkjdfh
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choosing violence 10 + 16 + 22 !!!! >:333
ok u didnt specify a fandom but im just gonna do this for pd because its front and center in my mind !!!!!! oh boy i cant wait to be crucified for my opinions
10. worst part of fanon
this is a problem with every jrwi campaign and also like. most . other fandoms to be real. but it seems like my favorite characters are always the ones that get the worst of the mischaracterization beam -_- i cant tell you HOW MANY fics ive opened bc the premise sounds cool only to IMMEDIATELY close it due to "he would not fucking say that" this isnt pd but if i have to read one more fic that infantilizes gillion for not understanding Land Things im going to blow up. hes stupid sometimes yeah! but hes not ignorant and hes not a baby hes like. literally the oldest one on the crew even if its only by a year or two. head in hands
16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)
ok im gonna get burnt at the stake for this one but i personally dont really see the appeal of tfem ashe... like i see the appeal yeah of course i do i just dont get why people are so like... weirdly forceful and passive aggressive about it? also this is totally a personal thing no hate to anyone that does this but its kind of a peeve of mine when ppl write analysis posts ans use their headcanon pronouns like.... if u are going to talk about and analyze canon then talk about canon !!!! i cant tell u how many good ashe posts ive skipped over bc im like. we are talking about different characters here .. respect to ashe tfemers and everything but its not for me
22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores
THERE IS A DISTURBING LACK OF CLARENCE ALBERT FAN CONTENT. WHY ARE PEOPLE NOT MORE INSNAE ABOUT CLARENCE ALBERT. HELLO???? am i the only person that feels this way . can anyone hear me its so fucking dark in here. every day i just want to read a fic about clarence albert and i am met with this
and neither of them are . interesting to me. hell on earth. bizly PLEASE give me more clarence lore in season 3 im fucking starving.
#irt the ashe thing ive always had a personal Thing against changing a characters pronouns it feels a little too close to genderbend for me#and i have NOT have positive experiences with genderbends so i just tend to avoid it hsbdfjsbdf#so. not for me! but i wish ppl were less. weird about it i guess#ppl are always like. if you dont like this tfem hc that means youre a misogynist and a terf and im like???? no????#i would feel the exact same way if ppl started exclusively using he/him to refer to ja.y fe.rin. idk man. the constant Mental Illness Guilt#is like . youre a bad person for not she/hering as.he wi.nters#but fuck it we ball. im ready for the discourse anons for this. censoring tags out of fear hsbjfsjfsdfs#sooooooo many of my jrwi mutuals are going to block meeeeeeeee#head in hands. choosing violence choosing violence choosing violence#anyway both of the clarence fics are aus. and i dont want to READ an au. i want to read about THE CANON GUY. PLEASE. HES SO INTERESTING.#AND HES LIKE. THE BASIS FOR ALL OF MALS WHOLE THING.#THERES SO MUCH THERE#UAUGHHHHGHGH#anyway. anyway. hi ros im writing nhw tidalwave fic <3 its gonna be short but ive had a vision.#we should make. an ao3 collab folder or something to put the nhw fics in. because ive had so many ideas#asks#ask game#friends!!!#intertexts
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#feeling so silly lawwlll walking in circles#i thnk im feeling a special type of way ..#i know i keep going on ab the samw bs and how crazy gf YEAAH UEAH WE GET IT#but i thnk in doing so im like revisiting parts of myself and writing more and i think im jst being sentimental#sooo sentimental .. so saccharine ..#everyone has been rly nice ab my art LIKE SOOOOO NICE RECENTLY#and imean people always have like im very lucky and grateful 2 be able to feel like i can share my hobby .. ^__^#but i thjnk like . to take smth that is so representational of my like . art goals and wants from a young age#ouuyyyyuuuuuyyfff T__T ooiujjjjjj#I DONT KNWWW i dont know . i dont know what im saying but i feel like i just need 2 talk abd be like hey this is so reaffirming .needs 2#i think like . bc my life turned out soo different than i imagined ive been dealing w like . a lot of hopelessness and feeling soo stuck and#stagnant and idk bad things and in a way i think like . coming back 2 something years later and being able to see progress in such a physica#physical way and to feel like more at ease and more like myself than i ever have is rly crazy and making me think long and hard abt stuff#and its all of these like . reflections im dealing w that r then padded by like some of the nicest comments and tags itslike#head in my hands /pos . grief but like ij a way happy grief#INFEEL SOOO RIDICULOUS its ridiculous it rly is IHAHAHAHAHAHA#i think its bc im turning 25 soon and thats the age i told myself id never live past iykwim which ks like crazy to drop on tmblrdotcom#but there r so many emotions tied 2 that and i think this is just one of the things^ stupid fanart ^ that makes me rly happy idk#do you know what i mean . like i feel so goofy saying it but its genuinely the connection i rly appreciate and means a lot 2 me#i feel like my ‘thank yous/i appreciate it/ means a lot’ grow tired but its soo fr every time i swear#kicking rocks or watever . i wish i cld extend my gratitude but anyways . thanks 4 reading this far if u have#ughg man and i think of the friends ive made thru this blog specifically nd my eyes r burning#sorp.. guys i love u all thank u.
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im someone who stuggles not to let his curiosity and drive sometimes (often) cross over into an overwhelming and maladaptive need for answers, for explanation, for certainty. someone who, historically, sees making art as a primarily intellectual exercise. this is not inherently a bad thing, we all have our temperaments and this kind of attention can be a strength. but, you know that artist who makes a painting, and then only wants to show it while explaining it to you? thats me, sometimes, more often than i like. every story i used to write had another hundred page document behind it, explicating every single choice -- often i would simply read that, instead of ever actually write the story itself. the explanation precedes everything. the answers alone are the experience.
david lynch's work and philosphy has been and is a vital foothold in my efforts to learn to love the questions as our breath. learn to appreciate intuition and dreams, trust them instead of fear them. learn to see that the world has so much confusing, uncertain, strange beauty, that can be terrifying but turns sublime when you cease rejecting it from fear. when you embrace the unknown and dont try to immediately & anxiously explicate it all away, a whole new world opens up to you. that you need the darkness in order to dream, and you need dreams in order to live fully immersed in what the world has to offer. a foothold in learning to be okay with abstraction, with imperfect subjectivity, with uncertainty. to know it is not anthitetical to truth and meaning. know that to skillfully make ideas come alive into a work *is* to rationally pin them down, but that you cannot lose sight of the intuition they were born as.
his artistic intuition reminds me of what i need to have -- the trust and humility for experiencing the inexplicable and understanding that to be enough. a devotion to ideas and their realisation. a balancing force, for my endless inquiry -- to not forget to live the question in my the search for an answer. to allow some thing to go without clear or universal explanation, allow for some things to remain unresolved, allow for others to have that be their resolution. it's why his work equal parts captivates me and disturbs me -- i am very bad at this. but feel in my heart a need to get better at it. to be a better artist, a better thinker, a better searcher, a better person. you need to feel it, intuitively, quiet your endless noisy need for an answer and simply let it fill you up, let it resonate intuitively, and find in that how life makes sense to you and you alone. mediation, mindfulness, humility to sit with abstraction without trying to pin it down. more and more i try to understand this. some things don't need to make perfect sense. some things dont need answers, or their answers are not the point. some things dont need anything but to be experienced as they enter you -- like dreams do. that can lead you to the answer, and that can also be enough in itself. that can be just an intrinsic value in being alive to experience it. and so often, it is all in conversation with the search for joy. it's why he feels so captivating, so unique, so tremendously alive. why people use the word "visionary" when talking about him. because he knew how to use his medium in all the potential he could see, so that it let you live in the strangeness and questions. he understood them as sublime, he understood them as enough, he understood them as a joy. he understood them as beautiful. and his memory will remind me to do the same; always to seek the space to dream.
#(in dreams / oh in dreams / the snake will find its tail)#i am! a guy! who likes! answers!!#someone who resolves his fear of monsters in the closet by picking up a flashlight and brazenly throwing open the door!!#but at my worst i am also extremely anxious and thus avoidant!!#so i will resolve my fear of monsters in the closet by opening the doors wide and then simply pretending to see whats inside#searching for answers without the bravery to sit with questions#this makes me worse!! it makes me worse!!!!#thank you david lynch for reminding me over and over again that the way to stop being afraid of the dark#is to not stop at all#but instead embrace that disquiet. open the closet door wide as it will get. turn off the flashlight#and simply sit in front of it#observing -- simply observing -- whatever shapes emerge#letting them fill you up#and then doing something with them#also... man#lynch is one of the few things my mom and i almost completely agree on and could connect through#despite everything i feel like she gets this necessity for humility and curiosity and quieting down your need for answers#and not to get overshary on the tumblrs but it is a source of friction at times#because of my me and like. the abuse. i dont want someone whose failure of self knowledge gave me cptsd to tell me i should *think less*#but idk it's precious that through lynch we find a common ground in which to agree about it#i think i get what she was trying to tell me a little better now. or maybe what she would've liked to be trying to tell me#idk tldr i had a violent childhood where nothing made sense and everything was scary so now i struggle not to be desperate for#certainty and knowledge as protection. and the way i always found that was through art and philosophy so. yeah.#lynchs work helps me like... calm down a bit about that and do it better#to learn to love the strange and the confusing and the disquieting not see it always as a threat#to sit in the dark and see it for what it is. painful and beautiful. tender and hard. its deeply relieving. its good#hole in the world dude im gonna miss him really bad all i can feel rn is sadness gratitude and joy#forever in dreams#david lynch#mine
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i feel like a part of my soul has been ripped from my chest and i dont know why.
#is this a bad time to mention i dont even believe in souls?#i really dk why.#no this isnt abt jiro somehow apparently having a loving family#(ok like. at least 1/4 of it is BUT STILL. NOT THE POINT)#(part of me feels awkward abt it bc just. huh? youre telling me. this guy. that i basically am the irl version of. has a loving family???)#(/j and all but just. idk part of me feels awkward now? it just. a guy who blew himself up for most of the same ideals i have)#(gets to have the one thing i yearn so very hard for. everyday of my life. but can never have.)#(ill get over this in like. 2 hours. hopefully. most of thats just shock anyways.)#just. for the past some days. besides a couple things and people. hurt and love havent really. made me feel much of anything#like being cared for by actual ppl even online. yeah. it still does but#even my fantasies don’t entertain me anymore#oh god am i becoming lopt. save me fuck#UNLESS this means i get mason as my bf. then hell fucking yeah (kidding kidding kIDDINGG i dont wanna be lopt. please.)#but srsly. usually i can envoke some sorta reaction from myself if its brutal enough#but. nothing.#id assume that im over doing it usually. but i havent in a good while#maybe this is some what where my art/writers block is coming from#whatever this hell is.#time to go on a spiral of mildly depressing and somewhat cryptic posts (cryptic if i didnt info dump in the tags that is)#why is it so hard to confront issues when you dont even know what the issue is?#i just. wanna be able to make myself feel something.#not in a “i have no one but myself” way for once. just. i dont wanna have to rely on others for my emotions#i want to feel a pang of hurt. yet it feels so empty. i dont want to harm myself. i just want to feel it.#anyways ig.#ig im gonna just sleep#which tbh im growing to hate bc like. i feel all i do is sleep. i sleep to avoid how much my own body hurts. i sleep to ignore my issues#i sleep to ignore the fact i keep forgetting to respond to people even though ik i have to at some point. i sleep to avoid the dread of not#getting anything done. i sleep just because im bored.#and im tired of sleeping.#but. it feels worse awake. my body hurts. my mind hurts. it all just hurts.
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i think itis funny in the past when i would list my interests as if i post abt them i donot post abt the shit im into rly Mainly bc im not rly Into Into anything anymore i occasionally watch or read or play something but i dont do fandom stuff rly much.... just sometimes i get brainworms
#do i still list my interests somewhere i dont knowwww#i just stopped rly being into fandom a few years ago combination depression antipathy + bad experiences in fandom spaces#but idk. me listing my interests didnt rly accomplish anything for anyone bc it was just like anddd just so you know i was crazy abt this#video game for a rly long time it probably wont ever come up again but it might maybe one day. yk. ig its just sharing info Which is one#supposes the point of all of this but idk#its not that im cagey abt my interests except that one which i cant talk abt publically bc its a triple a game and im embarassed abt it. no#anything bad im just embarrassed . its not anything any of my oomfies have ever posted abt either so its just for me. and lamp . and when#the third game comes out i might post very very very vaguely abt it ......... possibly.#but ya its like. idk i think you guys have to find out abt my plague tale obsession on your own through lived experience. aka just me seein#like the word king and randomly collapsing to the floor and going KING HUGO 😭😭😭😭😭 oh god hugo guys oh god . please play plague tale#i wish i had finished that tw thing i started making but then i got too focused on the color palette and making it look nice and i stopped.#umm tw child death animal death The plague some gorey stuff theres some cult things in the second game ummm. yeah ..... its rly special to#me tho i love those games PLAY PLAGUE TALE!!! and if u need more indepth tws ill give them to you even if i have to replay both games to#refresh my memory... lamp wont play plaguetale with me (not their speed) so im all alone </3 but i miss it i might replay soon... i wish i#was in like discord servers so i could play it on call w ppl or something <- is in discord servers but is shy and Also i feel like playing#game on call is like a level like 2 friendship thing and i cant even do level 1 friendship things like i feel i need to at least be talking#regularly in a server b4 i like try to do Calls in the server esp for plague tale bc its like a 1p game so wed need a rapport to like have#shit to talk abt and etc ..... i could just infodump abt the game but again i feel doing that to like strangers/oomfies would b weird. ik i#come on here and talk abt whatever i want but its like you guys dont Have to read this and its not like a server where Yeah im not talking#to one person but im still like Oh well ive sent a message and its in the channel and everybody just has to look at it and whatever.#but on here i post i nobody cares and it just gets pushed down and its Fine bc its not like anybody has to feel obliged to respond#which is fine. you know.. i just hate being like a nuisance i hate . idk how to phrase. imposing myself on others ig.. which is dumb bc the#i turn around and whine abt how i have no friends and its like Maybe that is bc you donot talk to anyone bc yr scared they will be annoyed#with you and you dont leave the house and have no interests to bond with ppl and etc. but basically the difference is ive written all this#and you guys can just not read it or you can just read it and ignore it and its different. even tho i am like addressing you and i do have#like. weird parasocial thing with My followers or whatever where i talk directly to you YES YOU! reading this. IDKK im rambling so much i#dont know what im talking abt anymore. i proooooobably need to go to sleep im hungry tho but im not but i am. but i think my sleep is getti#off schedule again i had trouble sleeping yesterday too... ugh
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reading posts that come across my dash and sitting for a minute to debate with my mental disorder if not reblogging this will mean a hell portal will open beneath my feet and i will suffer for eternity for my lack of action or if its all good and i can just scroll on by (its usually the hell portal thing)
#⚠️#personal#having ocd makes making moral decisions so fucking hard for no reason#cause ill see a post thats like info or seems important and like i can tell its that kind of post just by skimming it st first and somethin#clicks in my brain that just tells me if i dont share that post everyone will know and think im a horrible person#regardless of what the actual post is about#i need like a handbook on how to make proper moral decisions#cause like yeah i do care about things i try to share stuff about things i care about and believe are important but sometimes i dont have#the energy to read long as posts and my brain twists it to make it out that people will know and i am the bad guy#idk my ocds telling me even saying this makes me a bad person#the fact i even struggle with this#sometimes i think im not built for social media but really i think social medias not built for people like me#maybe i should get help for my ocd but the idea of describing all the shit going on in my brain to someone just makes me feel scared#cause like i dont know when to draw the line at making something a problem i should actively have a hand in helping#how much is too much when do i stop#<- in regards to my own mental health like the mental exhaustion that can come from it i hope this makes sense#like some things you gotta invest like emotional shit into and like sometimes im just tired and i come on here and im faced with one of#those posts and i just have to debate with myself what the fuck im supposed to do#this is more a me issue than anything i need to sort this shit out with some mental health professional or something#cause like i dont want to have people think i dont care about these things i do and ik pressing reblog takes like no energy but idk man#im not even sure if some of the shit i reblog is cause i care or is just an ocd compulsion#i feel like most times its both#i cant help but think im the problem here i want to be on social media its just so draining having my mind repeatedly hound me for not like#showing enough care (reblogging more posts) about a certain issue online#idk im so tired of it all im so tired of my mind i wish i didnt have ocd#vent#so funny right after i posted this i scrolled down and one of these posts was rigjt beneath it and the debate happens all over again#lord i need to get out of here
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#(( ooc. ))#.... so#if youre wondering why ive been so absent lately. ots bc im dealing with stuff like that. on top of handling everytuing around the house#and additional super stressful family drama#health scares caused by stress#the works. i feel like im a constant state of mindfuckery and i have been since we moved#thoght things would improve after getting away from MIL but apparently not#ive been so exhausted and stressed and pain has bee. spiking so bad#im really trying to be here bc writing has always been a calming thing for me like a fun distracting hobby#to get my mind off irl things but everytime i open up a reply i start crying#bc the words arent there and im too tired to even tupe bc im running myself ragged#and on top of that im dealing with hubby and whatever the f is up with him and the weird#180s he does where 1 second hes the sweetest most attentive guy ive ever known and the 2nd#im crying and apologizing for doing sometjing weong and i dont even inderstand what i did but hes upset at me#and somethings suddenly my fault#or im begging him for help around the apartment or smth#idk. i am really trying to be here i swear i am. i miss you all. i miss the stories we're writing together#i miss by bbys and wanna weite with them bc theyve been loud and active but i iust cant type what i want to#a single paragraph is taking me hours to get out no joke#idk. sprry for dumping all this on the dash out of nowhere im just kinda flailing right now and offkilter#gonna head off to bed and see if an actual good nights sleep for the first time in a week helps with my brain and makes things make sense#hope you all have a goodnight. sorry again for this#negative tw#negativity tw#venting tw#personal tw
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i hate that duality that your mind can be your safe heaven that helps you get through some difficult things, keeps you going and brings you happiness at the worst of times. and at the very same time it could be your worst tormentor that won't let you rest and won't let you breathe, literally for no particular reason at all. and you can't leave or silence it. can't get it to stop when it gets dark in there. can't get the light in when you desperately need to feel a respite instead of suffocation.
#its so difficult#sometimes its too much to handle#yeah particularly today im just.. screaming internally#and the inability to do something YOU LOVE due to your brain having one of those bad days so everything feels fucking BAD is just so unfAIR#its frustrating#the only thing you can do is sob apparently#my room doesnt feel like my room anymore all i feel is fear and dread#i just dont understand why and how it came to this point i want out#nothing grounds me to reality or to my normal state and im afraid#instead of watch fav movie to get better ill count the duration time and decide thats its too long i dont have that much time#i will be painfully aware of numbers and wb scared of them and then ill just not move at all immobilized at place#i cant#all i could do is desperately bother my friends trying to connect to them and hiding that obvious ache#i dont have capacity to soothe myself with my favorite guys and gals from games and movies i dont feel anything at all#and i hate that but also i cant do anything im so idk what i feel like but like im not anything#i lost myself i lost my favorite things to do and my hobbies and my spark and everything i dont even know anymore#on small bad days you could conjure a good thoughts and watch somethinf and think about what makes you happy#theres a void in my head now that just counts and counts and counts and cant do nothing#i will just open up a chat w friends and look at empty textspace i want to connect so badly but i wont send anything just freeze still#i dont feel that im in here but i want badly to be here and yet i cant grasp anything to still keep myself real#and like i have a feeling that in next 2 hours I'll just vanish spmething bad will happn carcrash orso i cantbe spendin much timeon anythin#i hate this#suddenly your brain just want you dead and fills you with dread unimaginable and my dumbass thinks that it's right#that my brain is right and im inclined to believe in this shit. im not but deep down i kind of is so thats why this anxiety causes me probl#ms for the whole week i didnt done anything i just could not i want it to stop#its so sure of itself that i will pass away in couple of hours by unknown reasons that it imagined so why even try
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Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over
Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰
#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually#very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds#like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd#but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga#and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit#and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’#which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road#its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16!#he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control#which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’#so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way#like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health#i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to#be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident!#so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game#is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me#cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused#but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone#like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways#and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed#but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child#shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING#HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY#like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work#apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs#his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be#better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy#and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad#how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel#makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired
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#mod posts#idk dude i am so conflicted abt this ‘barnaby is overrated’ shit#on one hand im like… wow another person who feels he’s overrated. daring today are we?#on the other im like… i understand what its like when the character you like isnt the popular one in the community#like i normally tend to hyperfixate on the side characters so i absolutely know how frustrating it is#i also know from personal experience that a lot of it can just be hating it solely BECAUSE its popular#when i was like 14 and undertale came out i hated it just bc it was popular. and then i played it myself and yknow what? i enjoyed it#like… its okay not to like something!! everyone has unique tastes#and i also understand the concern abt barnaby being treated like snatcher (i know NOTHING abt snatcher so dont. quote me on that)#like theres a chance the ‘fanon’ version of barnaby will be given precedence over ‘canon’#the same shit happened with sans. remember all those sans/reader fics where sans was this edgy mysterious guy?#yet in fanon hes just a funni little skeleton who likes bad jokes?#yet in *canon jesus christ i cant spell today#but like. can we just let people enjoy things if they arent hurting anyone?#like i get it its annoying sometimes. like i had to mute the oc tag bc i was tired of seeing RP stuff#but im not like. going into their inboxes and telling them theyre bad ppl for enjoying a popular character yknow?#sorry this is making like. no sense. and im sorry to put it in tags but i do NOT want this spreading#anyways. those are my thoughts for today.
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