#i dont want to have to live this shit
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maybe i wont have to kill myself. dads talking about moving to Ireland (or maybe canada but visas are hard) if it gets bad. we live in a good state but still. they don't want us alive. mum fucked off to go an a hike and isnt coming back till thursday. she doesn't care. i hate it here. the type of transphbic where they dont even call you a tranny, they just dont see you as trans and kids talk about how i shouldn't exist without even noticing
#i dont know what we would do about the frogs if we moved to Ireland#i hope it doesn't come to that#i dont want to leave my friend#but they would be fine#they aren't like me#i wish i never came out so i could be like that#im too queer for even the queer people here#atleast there are other queer people even if all they do is suck up to cishets and shut the fuck up without even being asked#i wish i went to the highschool over with their group for palestine and their politics#god i wish their were politcs instead of this rich white silence#its not like im that different really#im no one to judge these hollow fucks and the cars they don't shut up about#dont know the rest of the world exists#some kid said london was just like the city here#they went to london once#and the city here is not even remotely close on size#i dont want to have to live this shit#but you cant do nothing if you kill yourself#no one would care if i set myself alite for the sake of my ither queers cause no matter what we do were just mentally ill trannys
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mmmmmm read a disciple shen yuan/shizun luo binghe fanfic about two days ago where the first chapter was the Immortal Conference arc, and SQQ was the one who had to be pushed into the abyss (he was still the villain) except Luo Binghe was refusing and was like, lowkey losing his mind about SQQ being so close to the edge. SQQ ended up having to be the one to fall in himself because of the system's punishment system. The rest of the fic is leading up to that moment. But like, MMM i've been obsessively thinking about that first chapter for DAYS ever since.
now i've been in svsss for a grand total of *checks watch* a week. but god obsessed with that. I want to write/read a fic where disciple SQQ goes a little nuts down there. Like keep all of the things that make SQQ, SQQ, but just. Throw in a little bit more trauma in there. A little bit of a mental break. Let him go a little nuts as a treat. Just a tad unhinged. I wanna see him go, just a little, "god fuck it, i've tried so hard to change this shitty story's outcome and it feels like everything i've done has been for nothing. I'm going to die in this world no matter what I do, I've been doomed from the start, so might as well die the way I want to." and he just, breaks a little! Under all the stress.
He still retains the traits that makes shen yuan, shen yuan, like his overwhelming kindness. But he's just! yk. A little less patient. Paranoid. Jumpy. Colder. A little more aloof and closed off. A little more Shen Jiu. He's no asshole child abuser, but he was a Number One Hater in his past life and he's leaning into that old habit a little more now.
(On a totally coincidental not-at-all related note, there's not enough SJ-and-SY-are-the-same-people fics out there that i've found. This is totally unrelated...)
The Endless Abyss turns the mind into an over-sharpened blade, and SQQ is both fascinated and perhaps a little excited to explore a place that doesn't have a lot of info on it in the mortal realm, but still terrified out of his mind. And he's no Luo Binghe, he doesn't have the sheer brute strength and power to just bulldoze his way through, so he has to be a lot more sneaky and cunning if he wants to survive.
The fic itself role-swapped LBH and SQQ so that SQQ was the half-demon (which lowkey fucks) and LBH the human, but I'm equally-if-not-more obsessed with the idea that LBH remains the half-heavenly demon and SQQ the human. If only because I keep thinking about SQQ befriending some demons (particularly and specifically a group of succubi) and they grow very attached to this Human Cultivator so through magic plot stuff they create some kind of seal/illusion/talisman that makes SQQ appear as a demon because a human cultivator in the endless abyss may as well be the equivalent of putting a giant neon target on your back.
And iirc Shen Jiu was taught demonic cultivation by that one guy(?? i've only been here a week so im not caught up in ALL of the lore yet) so that could totally happen here.
(On the other end of the realms, poor Shizun Luo Binghe is just. losing his fucking mind over losing his most precious and beloved disciple. About .5 seconds from burning down the peaks himself. somebody sedate him.)
The Endless Abyss sucks and SQQ is having a really terrible time and can feel himself going lowkey mad, but also holy shit look at all this WORLD-BUILDING. look at all this flora and fauna, and oh if he had the equipment for it he'd be writing all of this down. ALL OF IT. He was kinda-sorta-already planning on never leaving the Abyss as some sort of fucked up self-exile and self-preservation thing, but now he might? actually just?? never leave if he can help it, like he lowkey likes it down here.
anyways the next time anyone ever sees SQQ again he's got hair so long its almost touching the ground and he's either in rags and half-feral or he's been completely dolled up by his adoptive succubi sisters and still about three seconds from biting anyone who tries to touch him. (he's also lowkey trying to book it back down to the abyss even if he has desperately missed all of his friends and shizun)
#mxtx svsss#svsss au#scum villian self saving system#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#luo binghe#disciple shen yuan#scum villain#svsss#*points at SQQ/SY* i want him to go nuts. as a treat. let him crumble just a little over the stress of his fate and the stress of survival#and the stress of having a lack of autonomy over a handful of his decisions. starry craves angst and she craves a very specific SQQ angst#he was a number 1 hater back in the day and lbr being a hater takes energyyyy. ive heard that this man was the BIGGEST hater i wanna#see him rip a man to shreds with nothing but his tongue and a voice that could cut marble clean in half. skin a man alive sqq you deserve i#*mortal kombat voice* FINISH HIM#i love without-a-cure but unfortunately i dont think SQQ would be able to have WAC and also survive in the abyss.#the succubi nest that adopted him tried seducing him at first. it didn't work. but he did somehow charm them with his cringefail ways#so now they have a brand new mortal big/little brother to dote on. SQQ is frankly delighted to learn all about succubi culture that doesnt#revolve around sex. he makes quite a few friends/allies in the abyss because of his pure fascination and unbiased desire to learn about#demonic culture and all the different niches and nuances of it across species. he's still going insane tho. like that's not stopping.#there's a single LBH pov chapter in the fic and its frankly so unhinged it was fantastic. he's so possessive. he straight up goes:#'oh SQQ isnt gonna be the next peak lord. he's ascending to heaven with me when i do :)' when Sha Hualing (also peak lord) told him that he#couldn't keep his disciple in the bamboo house all the time. what was SQQ gonna do when LBH ascends and he becomes the new peak lord?#gosh that first chapter is rotating around in my mind so bad. LBH was SO unwell. like losing his actual shit over SQQ near the edge.#i so want to write a oneshot abt this where SQQ is also in hysterics (albeit over slightly diff reasons) and tells LBH on his knees:#'this disciple deeply apologizes to his shizun. for he will not be ascending to the heavens with him.' right before he falls into the abyss#this au being disciple SY is for shits and giggles but i can also see it happening for regular SQQ bc 'fuck it im a dead man either way'#frothing at the mouth at this idea also being a SY-is-SJ au too. for the extra angst of SQQ trying to bear the weight of multiple lives on#his shoulders and trying to figure out what is real and what isn't and if he's meant to suffer in all of his lives no matter what he does.#not once in his life has he ever been free to do what he likes has he? self-hatred to the max. he's going mad. poor boy :]
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just how can i protect your smile?
#you guys like yaoi? can i get you some yaoi#pjsk#prsk#project sekai#proseka#tsukasa tenma#rui kamishiro#ruikasa#AUUUUUGH.#this is what finally makes me actually draw riks. vocaloid autism#putting the link in the caption because NOBODY FUCKIGN TLAKS ABOUT SCISSORHANDS EVER WHERES THE HYPE I NEED HER. SONG OF THE DECADE(2009)#this song makes me incredibly normal. my bad. i saw the miume choreography when i was like 11 and my brain shifted#i wanted their outfits to look like mikus in the mv so bad. Fuck my life for that btw stupid fuckign frill trim. why did she have to slay#tried to think of smth other than butterflies for kasa but i have no brain and tbh i hope his life is miserable so its fine#me posting this only to tmblr and not twt because i fucking hate twt#im drawing more song covers that live in my mind palace so i'll pist them there all together. and maybe here all together. who give a shit.#emnn skeleton orchestra next and it will fix me#Good lord. sorry. Im so caught up posting this for no reason. Get me out of here#im supposed to have a lecture in 3 hours but post covid symptoms say otherwise. im so fucked#i have a cyberpunk dead boy wip with them but idk i dont like posting wips on here its like an archive. n i want to actually finish it#but dear lord rendering it with their stupid outfits. clutches my chest falls to the floor. AUUUUGH#wxs killing me killing me taking damage augh auugh aughg
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have never understood why squatting is considered a crime. loitering too. sir you have been arrested for the crime of....chilling. and hanging out. and taking a little nap
#also homeless encampments are never in the way of anything and yet the cops still harrass them. its fucked up#like we straight up push people out of existence. and for what#i know im not saying anything new here im just mad abt htis#like!!! if its space nobodys using for shit who cares! who cares omg. if we arent gonna house people we shld at least let them exist#like theyre already having a hard enough time man.#im sick of how ppl around where i live talk abt the homeless problem as though homeless people are the problem that needs to be solved#like no empathy no self awareness these 'normal' ppl want the unhoused dead or in prison and dont get how ghoulish they sound. anyways
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A frustrating development with the growing lack of reading comprehension I've personally noticed is an emerging fervor of insisting things aren't canon unless they are explicitly stated beyond all reasonable doubt.
I can not emphasize enough how harmful a mindset this is to have. Yes, it's wonderful to have characters outright say "I'm trans," but to deny a character's identity for not saying that is dangerous.
Plenty of real people prefer not to use specific labels. Historically, people didn't have our modern terms or modes of expression. Many modern cultures don't use these terms, either, and plenty of people within those that do can't safely openly identify.
If the only representation you accept as canon is within modern (and let's be honest, wealthy white able-bodied American) standards, then you are denying yourself and others a huge amount of representation and seriously limiting the media around you.
#remembering how people were like hmm its not actually canon that Steve is trans and adam is nonbinary...#steve doesnt fucking know what 'trans' is hes an unhoused time traveling cowboy like!!!#after an arc. about werewolves. and how people become werewolves because theyre unhappy with their lives.#especially specifically regarding their body/gender#and how adam explicitly says 'your family never saw you as a man'#AND THEN FOLLOWS IT UP. with referring to Steve as 'the man who chose'#like for fucks sake#you are being deliberately and willfully ignorant if you say its not canon.#your ideas of transness are extremely extremely limited if it doesnt include people who dont use the word.#god. ugh. ive been annoyed by this since that episode came out#dont even get me started on how people barely noticed adam is nonbinary.mm#they said they dont wanna be called a boyfriend. come on!!! come on!!!!#how can i make it clearer without them saying shit they woildnt say and have no context for!!!!#scream.#anyways.#delete later lol im just frustrated again.#im not even sure i worded this how i wanted to
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soft (and some bittersweet)
#trigun stampede#trigun#vashwood#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#i think they both spent majority of their lives in solitude and ofc vash went town to town and made friendships promises and etc along the w#way + he had his home and whatnot in the long years he's been alive but he still just seemed so lonely.#in prior versions of trimax he had friends at home at least and maybe he mightv made some but luida and brad are basically just his#guardians in this adaption. like brad used to be a homie.... vash watched that little dude grow up.... and jessica too.... but he doesn't#have that in this adaption. nor a town like july where he had grown close to the townspeople and shaped that tragedy to be closer to his#heart. and wolfwood spent years fighting under the eom and doing shit under their jurisdiction when we saw him so adamantly try to reject#and fight back against that fate. i dont think he had a second at all to get familiar with townspeople or even care to#so its just these two lonely ass souls and vash immediately seeing the good in ww and points it out#ww who is under orders again to be involved in vash's business but he's also SO touchy about it bc vash is so careless and lack that self#regard and also just is not seeing the world that ww is seeing. but then vash helps him and saves him by sharing a piece of what /he/ sees#and it fucking. rescrambled ww's brain for a sec. HE GAVE HIM HOPE!!! he gave him hope!!!! and in turn ww gave vash hope too and its#all done in like 3-4 eps. there's so much fervent attachment in what they managed to give each other in such a short time#but theyre limited to the contract to the inevitable confrontation with knives - so while theyd want to give into that chance to love this#person who managed to give them smth special they just can't at all#ruporas art
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okay ive been thinking.
rb with your answer + what your interpretation of barbie/ken is
#mcyt#technoblade#OKAY this is really dumb but bear with me DBJSBDJ#(dont read my og tags before u vote i want to hear ur own interpretation!!)#to me a ken is like a himbo. just living his best life unbothwred#and barbie 100% knows what she wants and how to get it shes a capital g Girlboss okay#SO IM THINKING. techno’s obviously a barbie have you ever watched any of his videos#BUT AT THE SAME TIME. being a barbie all the time would be so exhausting youve got sm shit to do#so in conclusion i say. hes a ken that can be a barbie whenever he wants. will he be tho? who knows#depends on the weather or wether he took his adhd meds that day
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his ass is NOT getting up for his 8am lecture
#skyward sword#loz#loz fanart#sksw link#sksw zelda#sksw fi#ill always come back to link ill never be free of him#i kinda wanted zelda to study history too because shes really into the history of skyloft/legends/etc in game#but maybe that can be a hobby maybe shes more into folktales and mythology than history#i also considered some type of math/stem for fi but idk history/linguistics fits her designed purpose of being a sortof messenger more#i think shes real good with numbers tho maybe she does math tutoring on the side#why are campus stairs always so fucking long theyre such a weird length you gotta fucking lunge every step#and doing that w a giant ass backpack and an artbag and a fucking can of gesso#in the summer. torture i think they were just trying to weed us out#you think art students have any core strength#thats why links so ripped he has to haul all that shit around all day#he definitely lives in a co ed dorm w zelda and they have the most fucked up evil (remlit) dorm cat#groose is there too i just dont have him pinned down sorry buddy#kiddokori
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the company i work for decided that its switching from the german formal "You"(Sie) to the informal "you" (Du) in all of our websites so now we have to scour the entire database to change it and i quite frankly hate that, not just bc the unecessary extra work but especially bc its such a weird and unecessary change
i bet its bc everything here is getting englishfied (both literally and culturally it feels like, when my new boss talks its half in english bc every second german word is just replaced by an english one despite there being perfectly fine words for it in german too, its so annoying) and bc they want to sound more personal in hopes of getting more clients bc 'company is your fwiend uwu!!', i know this here is the amercian tm site so you wouldnt understand really but i do not want to be greeted with 'du' by companies, no, thats too personal, you dont know me and im not giving you my data, stay away!!
i guess thats how i would describe it .. the formal you is like a polite distance, like someone you dont know staying outside your personal space, but when its the informal 'you' it feels invasive unless i told you you can call me that, and that goes double for companies
maybe its a small thing that doesnt seem important but i cant stand it, im just a little part time worker doing data work so i got no say in it but the companies founder also announced hes giving his post to his kids some time ago so ...... since then theres been alot of changes and new projects that solely aim to imitate whats popular and whats done by other companies, despite ours being one that is, or used to be, intentionally different, like, that was the POINT, but i guess chasing trends is just too appealing for CEOs
#ganondoodles talks#personal#rare personal rant#theres more and more changes that feel so weirdly forced#like man#i thought being different was the whole point#like climate and ethics are .. or were .. the core idea and now i guess its just fine to do whatever conventional companies are doing#yeah woohoo lets also do an app thing that forces people to sign up if they want reasonable prices!#smartphones the standard everwhere!#who needs anything physical if you can put it in an a phone so syphon off data directly out of people fingertips!! yea!!!#lets use AI pitcures bc we refuse to hire more graphic desingers and they are jsut so overworked uwu#climate? ethic? whats that#argh#sorry this needed to get out#recently had a stupid conversation with a coworker bc i asked them why we are okay with AI shit now when it goes against what this-#company was presumably founded on#and he was rly defensive and said welll we dont have time and its cheap and also maybe we should got WITH the time#like that last thing especially pissed me tf off#but i cant afford to lose this job#im starting to hate it more though so the dream of being able to stay like this might not be real#i cant get a job in this place that is as nice to my mental health so idk man#i wish i was good enough at merch and online stuff so i could live of that#but even trying to find out how taxes work on that stuff is a nightmare to me
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[ID: three drawings of Five, out of uniform and with slightly longer hair than usual (implied to be post-s3).
In one, he is wearing a trench coat over a suit and sunglasses, and drinking a giant coffee.
In another he is seated at a table looking at a mint chocolate chip milkshake but not eating it. He has his head propped up in one hand and looks tired. He is wearing a blue long sleeved shirt under an oversized, lighter blue t shirt, and cargo shorts. He has a giant ring of keys clipped to one of his belt loops. His hands are wrapped in bandages.
In the last, he is wearing a dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and is head down, arms sprawled on a table over several sheets of paper. He is surrounded by a stack of books and two cups of coffee. End ID.]
some light s4 speculation- probably five continues to be very tired but he gets to pick his own clothes about it! in drawing this i convinced myself that five should get to have a trench coat, and also that he should have a giant carabiner clip of keys - for all his siblings' living situations so he can break into their house at a moment's notice, and also steal their car.
#tua#the umbrella academy#five hargreeves#comic five gets to wear a trench coat i think show five should too#you can tell those are keys because i told you and not because i bothered to make them look like keys even a little. sowwy#the actual reason i think he should have all those keys is bc i want him to refuse to actually pick a sibling to live with#he is making himself All of their problems#maybe he is kind enough to provide them with a schedule. and maybe he is not#thats of course assuming they stay in each others orbit and dont fuck off into the corners of the earth like s3 implies that they do#but that bums me out we're 2012 avengers tower fandoming this shit#and as is tradition i almost forgot#my art
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skirts suit strider
#homestuck#hom3stuck#home24uck#home2t4ck#dirk strider#lil cal#admin draws#fanart#self harm cw#breaking my mini hiatus to post these week ol dirks#i rly wanted to draw him in a nice long skirt but that ended up not rly being the focus#the one on the left is a product of wanting to draw beach funtimes but i was too emo so it turned into something entirely different#anyhoo. exam tomorrow so im posting this as a bit of a pick-me-up. so i dont die badly without any distractions#i have stuff done im just not posting because. well.#the point of taking a break was to not have notifs to distract me from studying but lol... i think distractions r exactly what#i need after this exam. anxiety thru the roof.#what else... i started redecorating my studying corner. so i can stop doing that in the living room#its been mostly moving shit around + taping up my wall. but im waiting for a print and some frames#so im gonna take a pic and post it when its all done
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i cannot stop thinking about ian rider. more specifically, how alex had so many unprocessed feelings about him after his death. imagine being an orphan, getting adopted by your uncle as a baby, having him raise you for 14 years then discovering he lied to you your entire life. that he [unintentionally or not] trained you to be something you never wanted to be under the guise of bonding with you. never being able to ask him what his actual intentions were because he's dead. never getting closure for it. im going to throw up.
#i remember reading stormbreaker for the first time and i could not stop crying the entire book#i have big emotions dont blame me#but seeing alex follow in ian's footsteps quite literally seeing and living through what lead to his death#it fucked me up#i dont remember if it was outright stated in the books but alex wondering the entire time if ian even loved him?#it wasn't framed directly but thats how i interpreted it#i cant even coherently put into words all my thoughts about this#ontop of everything else this is one of the core things that makes me so emotional over this silly little book series like holy shit#alex my son i just want to give you a hug#alex rider#alex rider books#ian rider#please don't get me started about my thoughts of whether or not ian did in fact love him#my head might explode#these books fucked up my brain chemistry permanently
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I’m going to paint you a picture of modern communication, and how it is fundamentally broken.
Let’s look at one friend. You chat pretty much everyday, and mostly talk to this person on twitter and discord, with occasional tumblr DMs. That’s three places you talk. But that’s actually not true, because you also have each other’s priv twitters and talk there as well. That’s four. Now account for, let’s say, one post reply per account per person, in addition to your DMs. That’s eight. But that’s ALSO not true, because not only do you talk in discord DMs with each other, but you’re in a friend group server as well! And you talk in those channels together! That’s nine.
This is one friend.
Now look around you. How many friends, how many mutuals are you in contact with. A few, a handful, a dozen, more? How many accounts per person do you have, how many places can you send each other posts, devolve into separate topics and conversations? How many people text you as well. Friends, family, coworkers? What do you do day to day around catching up, what IRL commitments will rip you away long enough to let the pile build again?
I can’t do it. I cannot live an actual life in the real world and balance this much interaction, it’s crushing. I reply to a friend’s post because I’m interested in the subject, I want to have a discussion! I WANT to talk about it with them, but I immediately kick myself for adding another conversation to the pile. Day by day, I ignore messages for hours on end and watch mountains pile around me, to reply en masse at the end of the night to let the cycle repeat. I wake up to six discord DMs and as I clear the third, the first replies back again.
We weren’t meant to have thirty simultaneous conversations. We weren’t. And you know in your bones that the number isn’t an exaggeration.
#hush catríona#this is essentially copy pasted from my twt last week but made a touch more coherent#iiiii spiral about this pretty regularly. i think this is the 4th or 5th time ive gone on this spiel bc its agonizing#i feel horrific guilt for ignoring messages for so long. and its absolutely voluntary. but i cant FUNCTION like this i cant DO it#i have friends where we talk Every Single Day and i LOVE them so much. so unfathomably much. but it KILLS me#hell take my roomie for example. one of my fav ppl in the world. we text- twit dm- discord dm- ig dm- reply to posts. thats five right?#i guess!!! but we also LIVE TOGETHER. i see them in real life and talk to them out loud with my voice and its still this much to add on!!!!#and i feel like nobody else talks abt this shit and it makes me feel crazy. am i the only person completely debilitated by this???#i dont want this to come across as like ‘boohoo we get it ur sooo popular’ that is NOT what this post means#i think a lot of ppl big acct or small. fandom or otherwise. talk to a dozen ppl online. and i dont get how anyone copes#this is agony. and every single time i ever make a post? its another opportunity to add to the pile#i only reply to comments on posts on twt and this is why. i cant DO it i cant keep up. i see every tag and im so grateful but i cant ever#reach out. i cant add to the pile. theyre already taller than me
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"how's the process of becoming a lawyer going" today i took the korean version of hurricane from the death note musical (originally in english), ran it through an english translator, then rewrote the entire song in english based on the korean lyrics because i like the korean lyrics better. so overall pretty normal
#doing a stupid little project restored the will to live which the lawyering was depleting#rookposting#i also put some jesus references in it because i just thought it should have some#death note musical#i dont want to complain TOO much on tumblr about the career shit but just so you all know. the nonstop deathnoting is my lifeline rn#WHAT is this post about. the triangle of law deathnote and christianity which nobody asked for
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i dont think rouge is "the responsible one" in team dark i dont think any of them are the responsible one actually
#it seems to be a commonly accepted headcanon that team dark live together so#do you really think a household thats just 2 teenagers and a giant murder robot has their shit together in any way . be serious#also i dont think shes the team mom either . she doesnt have a single motherly bone in her body .#she is at most the cool older sister who teaches you how to steal#and lets you do whatever you want when your parents arent home and leave her in charge#society if people would stop making every girl sonic character some sort of motherly figure#or the serious one who never gets to be funny in the same way the boy characters do#regardless of if that sort of stuff actually fits their personality or not
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sorriez for not posting I am now responsible for SEVEN PUPPIES
SEVEN
PUPPIES
#seven of them#this shit is crazy#puppies#dog#puppy#dont breed your dogs kids#theyre my neighbors im helping him out cus their mama is sick and i dont have a job#also if you live in kansas city and want a dog i have seven hmu. thats not a joke btw. i will give you this dog.#if the following genuinely applies to you 1. damn what are the chances 2. lets meet in person and talk first#i gotta find somewhere for SEVEN DOGS#AAAAA
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