#i dont talk much in servers anymore
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// i wish there were more spaces to talk with other ppl about hetalia
EDIT : ok i made the server woo
#i really miss having a group of people to just shoot ideas back and forth#i might make a hetalia server bc i don't like my current one very much anymore bleh#but if u guys have groups ur ok with me joining i'd love to be apart of it ;;3 i dont have anyone to talk to about it
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yknow with tthe whole cc!kab rping an actual character rather than just being herself with extra steps thing i should prbs talk about her character in a different way compared to other lsers cause it feels wrong to talk about her in the same way that i do for the others when she plays in such a significantly different way
#mine.txt#ik its for practical purposes aka cc!kab not wanting to mistake ppl talking about her character to be talking about her#but man doing this whole cc! and c! thing is really just reminding me of the dsmp days lmao#i mean i never did that shit cause like i didnt really see the point cause like. theyre doing improv what difference would it make#cause like the character and the actor still share the same name online#how much can you really talk about someone doing improv in that kinda way until it doesnt work anymore#but theres a point to it this time#im not doing this for clarification purposes cause yall already know im not talking about irl kab#but cc!kab repeatedly breaks the forurth wall and not in an ''im a streamer so i gotta talk to chat'' way#but in a ''none of this is real guys were actually friends irl#and i make sure to do aftercare during heavy streams btw im trained in acting since i was a kid'' way#which means at least in my minds eye its heavily impractical to talk about kab the way i usually do for other streamers#see the way i talk about the other streamers theres an implicit acknowledgement of the blurred line between cc and c#but for kab while its all improv ofc theres a very defined line between cc and c#its a lil smudged sure but its still quite defined#so that implicit acknowledgement just kinda... gets lost. yanno? which im not a big fan of#so yeah i feel the need to talk about her differently cause of this entirely different framework to work off of#im not really sure how to do that besides adding cc! and ls! before her name#since usually in smps and mcyt in general theres a pretty similar meta rp style from all the members of a server#so i never really felt the need to talk about ome of the characters differently#but ofc ls had to be different it just had to lmao#but whatever ill figure it out#dont expect me to keep up with this when im triggered tho lmao cause thats just not happening
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sobbing rn thinking of the friends ive made through mcyts.....i love you all whether we're talking right now or havent talked in years.....you all have a special place in my heart......we may have met through liking cubitos but we grew well beyond that....sorry im having thoughts
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#confessions#wholesome#literally this!!! youre so correct nonnie!!!!#i love my mcyt friends too#i love the people in that three year old gc that gets spammed mostly with anime these days#i love the various people ive friended on discord that i never talk to anymore but still look through our dms sometimes#i love the people that i still talk to even if they have other interests noe#i love the people thst i still talk to even if they dont have other interests now#i love the people in thwt new gc less than two weeks old#i love my tumblr mutuals tht i dont talk to but see on my dash and go ᗡ: knowing that i followed them for mcyt even if theyre notinto it no#i love the people in the discord server that kinda imploded on itself but made such a big impact on my life#(<- half of these tags refer to people i met through said server)#i love my qpp who still listens to me rant at it abt mcyt#i love the new people i meet i love the old people i dont talk to#i love the people that i start out talking to about mcyt but conversations grow far beyond that#i love the person that i meow back and forth in dms with instead of really talking#i love the people that did so so so much for me when i joined the fandom at 11 and werent creepy towards me (thank fuck)#i love the people that encouraged me to write that encouraged me to draw to look at these cubitos and be creative about it#i love the fanfiction authors that i know that rant about their fics to me in dms#i love the fanartists that send me their wips of block people and i will cheer them on#i love absolutely everyone who made this fandom a home for me for what feels like my entire life#i love you. thank you.#mcyt fandom has done so much for me#90% of the people i know today; i know through mcyt fandom#i would not be who i am today without yall#i love you everyone who was a friend to me through mcyt fandom#Ɛ>
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yknow i will say im amazed i havent personally been harrassed for being all-ages-friendly, as much as i've bitched about that drama on here
#jibber jabber#not tickles#i usually comment on it when i see it affecting friends/mutuals#but ive never gotten any harrassment over it myself LOL#shocking. but also im happy abt that dont get it twisted#i only have so much mental energy#though id be fully prepared to throw down if someone tried shit :3#🦊<- doesn't talk to anyone doesnt join discord servers anymore#literally miss me with any ATTEMPT at drama
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i think itis funny in the past when i would list my interests as if i post abt them i donot post abt the shit im into rly Mainly bc im not rly Into Into anything anymore i occasionally watch or read or play something but i dont do fandom stuff rly much.... just sometimes i get brainworms
#do i still list my interests somewhere i dont knowwww#i just stopped rly being into fandom a few years ago combination depression antipathy + bad experiences in fandom spaces#but idk. me listing my interests didnt rly accomplish anything for anyone bc it was just like anddd just so you know i was crazy abt this#video game for a rly long time it probably wont ever come up again but it might maybe one day. yk. ig its just sharing info Which is one#supposes the point of all of this but idk#its not that im cagey abt my interests except that one which i cant talk abt publically bc its a triple a game and im embarassed abt it. no#anything bad im just embarrassed . its not anything any of my oomfies have ever posted abt either so its just for me. and lamp . and when#the third game comes out i might post very very very vaguely abt it ......... possibly.#but ya its like. idk i think you guys have to find out abt my plague tale obsession on your own through lived experience. aka just me seein#like the word king and randomly collapsing to the floor and going KING HUGO 😭😭😭😭😭 oh god hugo guys oh god . please play plague tale#i wish i had finished that tw thing i started making but then i got too focused on the color palette and making it look nice and i stopped.#umm tw child death animal death The plague some gorey stuff theres some cult things in the second game ummm. yeah ..... its rly special to#me tho i love those games PLAY PLAGUE TALE!!! and if u need more indepth tws ill give them to you even if i have to replay both games to#refresh my memory... lamp wont play plaguetale with me (not their speed) so im all alone </3 but i miss it i might replay soon... i wish i#was in like discord servers so i could play it on call w ppl or something <- is in discord servers but is shy and Also i feel like playing#game on call is like a level like 2 friendship thing and i cant even do level 1 friendship things like i feel i need to at least be talking#regularly in a server b4 i like try to do Calls in the server esp for plague tale bc its like a 1p game so wed need a rapport to like have#shit to talk abt and etc ..... i could just infodump abt the game but again i feel doing that to like strangers/oomfies would b weird. ik i#come on here and talk abt whatever i want but its like you guys dont Have to read this and its not like a server where Yeah im not talking#to one person but im still like Oh well ive sent a message and its in the channel and everybody just has to look at it and whatever.#but on here i post i nobody cares and it just gets pushed down and its Fine bc its not like anybody has to feel obliged to respond#which is fine. you know.. i just hate being like a nuisance i hate . idk how to phrase. imposing myself on others ig.. which is dumb bc the#i turn around and whine abt how i have no friends and its like Maybe that is bc you donot talk to anyone bc yr scared they will be annoyed#with you and you dont leave the house and have no interests to bond with ppl and etc. but basically the difference is ive written all this#and you guys can just not read it or you can just read it and ignore it and its different. even tho i am like addressing you and i do have#like. weird parasocial thing with My followers or whatever where i talk directly to you YES YOU! reading this. IDKK im rambling so much i#dont know what im talking abt anymore. i proooooobably need to go to sleep im hungry tho but im not but i am. but i think my sleep is getti#off schedule again i had trouble sleeping yesterday too... ugh
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okay I don’t really go here anymore but fuck jack manifold will really always be relevant
#‘I never liked him’ filled me with so much rage#ooh poor baby why’d you beg to be on his server then#I DONT EVEN WATCH MCYT CONTENT ANYMORE#back to be obsessed with star wars#like tell me why I can sit and listen to t& p talk about it and not really
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trying to show someone something you think is really cool and they just shit all over it
#i only have one person to talk to about world of warcraft but he openly does not care for how i play#i was trying to show him epsilon because it has a lot of cool features about it#i didnt think he would want to play it but damn he could acknowledge that its cool#but the moment i was like 'its p much only for roleplaying' he was like lmaoo nope go play this other server rn#i was *trying* to tell him stuff that wouldve made him know this yesterday#but getting a word in with this man is like trying to park a semi truck in a 3 ft wide parking spot#and people wonder why i dont like trying to talk about the things i like anymore#my post#vent#and he just has 0 self awareness about it too#i left the voice call and hes just like '?? whered you go' anywhere but there man#its almost like you made me feel like shit like you do like all the time#youd rather focus on conspiracy theories and classic hardcore than pause for a moment#and have literally any self awareness at all ever#about how you come off and how you treat others#because you took 'i dont care what people think about me' to mean 'i will not take other peoples feelings and thoughts into account at all'
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s/o to this alter splitting from my second group of friends leaving me in 2023 over one of the most unhinged accusation but this alter drew fire art because of it so.....
#most kf them apologized a few days later but if fhat didnt absolutely TERRIFY me about how quick they were to ostrischize their friends over#a false accusatkon i just#i tried really hard to get back into modding the server i helped run surrounding this group but i just couldnt. it felt so uncomfortable#ar least one of my friends stood their ground for me no matter what when that happened a real one fr#we dont talk as much anymore but i sent them holidays wishes n whatnot#🫡🫡🫡#that was such a scary time of my life cuz i was literally telling myself college was my escape to sui...#like i would be in a dorm cimpletely alone & i was completely confident that was the end of my life#im so glad i didnt bevause i met so many great people hwre & im doing really good#i just cant believe that was so close to being a reality#its kind of haunting i dont know if thay makes sense
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All relationships (yes, even your friendships) are built on a system of give and take. You give, they take, they give, you take. You should be getting back the energy you are putting in and vice versa. If you feel like you're in a point where all you've been doing is giving and not getting anything back, it's time to rethink where you put your energy.
#kind of a vent thing#i'm just frustrated with things#okay nvm this turned into venting#vent in tags#but also like remember your energy is precious#if you're constantly giving your energy to someone they should probably return the favor at some point#it's one thing if they're going through shit and dont have energy to give back because that's understandable#but when it's been going on for years and you watch them give energy to everyone else#and they have the nerve to preach about spreading good energy and can't be bothered to do it themselves even to so called “friends”#that's when i get pissed off#so yeah fuck off#i'm done spending my energy on you and being treated like a child in response#the only reason i'm even still in your server is to talk to other people lol#like i do not care about your opinions anymore because you clearly don't see my shit as its own thing that i put so much heart into#you only see it as something to boost your stupid ego when it has nothing to do with you and i'm tired of it
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coolest feeling in the world is every year i feel my friends slowly, one by one, drift away from me and leave me behind and want to talk and interact with me less and less. its such a good feeling. it does not at all make my loneliness worse at all
#shiba noises#im just starting to think im too much of a hassle to put up with#and that im uninteresting and boring#i mean i get upset at one person for brushing off my feelings and they complete no contact me not even apologize#like#im not good enough to receive apologies or care or...anything#im just here#people use my server (barely) but dont talk to me anymore#and i wonder whats the point
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mspfas back up!! ill be working on halcyon more this summer. its a little comic i do in my free time 👍
#i dont go to homestuck much anymore but its still got a special place in my brain#homestuck#halcyon webcomic#xig talks#mspfa#theres also a server! dm me for the link
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while im kinposting on main for once today i will say like i get why some ppl want to find canonmates or whatever but like I literally don't give a fuck!!!!!!! i just think other people are cool and i want to meet other people with similar experiences but so many people are so focused on finding canonmates that they likeee totally cut off people that aren't from theirs and it's like man we're all just people let's all be friends let's have a party
#its why i dont really look at calls tbh bc im like first of all my mems are between me and the anon setting in the fictionkinfessions askbox#and also bc its like well if im not exactly the person these ppl want then they arent going to give me the time of day#kin shit is so exhausting man so much shit to navigate through while im just trying to vibe. im just a bird. just a guy.#the one server i joined was nice ig but i was like never in a shift for the source so i felt bad and don't really talk there anymore 😭#literally immediately after joining i got hit with Bird#ghostly ramblings
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when an endeavor you aim at for multiple years can be solved by dming a stranger on discord <3
#sincerely hoping they have the one game I want in their compendium of compedia games#sidenote do I go digging in my old cds for stuff to check if I have anything they dont have#bc the concept of contributing to the oldschool national video games society seems great to me#and I Know I have at least 2-3 compedia games on cds somewhere. but also compedia games actively dont work anymore#like even if you get cd readers according to ppl it just breaks bc they weren't made for modern tech#which. kinda fucks me up. wdym my childhood will explode my computer :(#anyways I was being very brave by joining the server and talking to this really nice guy owning it#who. somehow is the first person to ever talk to me who did not guess she/her for me in hebrew#which I do use she/her in hebrew but having ppl not assume that gives me so much power :3
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while i want to be off anon to say this, i feel like you wouldnt be too happy to know that i know what your vent blog is (i dont follow this blog, dw) but i genuinely want to say that i saw what 🍷anon sent you and im like! what!
thats not okay. i dont like it when people compare another person who already hates themself enough to people whos presence they enjoyed in the past. i know who/what that anon was referencing and i despise the fact that they said that to you because i feel its entirely unfair. maybe you do have some mental issues and are generally apathetic but that doesnt make you undeserving. maybe youve moved on and we've moved on, but that doesnt change the fact that you still feel things, however unreal and dreamlike it may be. youre still deserving of being treated with respect and dignity even if youve made mistakes that are entirely out of your control. you didnt ask to be born with several mental disorders. you didnt ask be apart of cluster B. what that anon did was pretty much kick you while youre down.
i understand if you dont want someone sticking up for you because you feel you dont deserve it, but im going to do it anyway because i still know you and i knew you and saw how passionate you were and still are about my ocs and about others' ocs. your interests and passion was admirable and even when some people didnt understand, we still saw how much you loved what you knew and talked about.
i wish i was braver to ask this off anon, but alas, i am not. if you feel that no one cares about you. or that youre just "there on the internet" i still care about you. because you still exist. living or not, dream or not, you exist in my memory and will continue to do so. look forward to the future and remember that theres a chance there can be someone who will be patient enough to love you the way you want to and need to be
If you were there when I was actively saying that shit in the server, then I don't think you should say this to me.
#anon#ask#thanks. ig for saying this#some of the words did make me tear up irl#but you shouldnt have sent this. shouldnt have done this. quite a waste of time for you to say this#also. i dont mind if ask off anon. i AM curious of who you are.#i have my guesses. but thats rude of me. and i shouldnt dwell on you guys. as you guys shouldnt dwell on me#oh. you can also follow! i don't.. mind#some of my older mutuals follow this blog. so#and besides. in the server i was also talking about my own childhood ig? eh. doesnt count anymore#you now know just as much as my prince does....#also. you were using past & present words. ah. are you really done with me?#then unfollow my main
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#i literally feel ill even now. im mostly okay now but its also.... god.#what if this stupid fucking bit ruins my reputation what if im too scared to literally. do anything in that fandom again#i love it i love the game i love the people ive met but this feels SO MUCH like shit ive actively lived through before that i just.#i dont know.#god what if this blacklists me from the community#and it literally wont. it wont. but i am genuinely and unironically so terrified of it happening#it was a joke it was bits and now i dont know!!!!! how to feel or what to do#a mod of the fucking main server for the game thinks i sent him anon hate!!! i didnt. obviously i fucking didnt#i had to leave another fandom server because i was terrified that id just get. i dunno. banned????#because she owns it and i just didnt. feel okay in that community anymore? which is sad. its really sad.#god now that i know theres proof of people talking about me behind me back what do i do. what do i say?#this was the first fandom ive actually engaged with since the last time this happened!!!!!! fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!#\\ basil#vent in tags
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rewatching cql made me re-realize how insane we songxuexiao shippers are. good for us
#last time i had this thought i gave some friends a pp presentation on my favorite throuples#explaining how the yi city guys could be fixed by getting together felt more delusional with each sentence i uttered#i stand by it tho!!!!! obviously#sadly i dont have anybody to talk to about songxuexiao anymore bc the yi city dc server i used to be on is inactive now#and my friends....dont care for them much
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