#i dont regret it and it will happen again
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it is 2 am and im thinking about my forever favorite girl 🥰🧁🎀✨️💞
#he is just A GIRL don't ask me further questions#i will continue to she/her my favorite male rock stars and there is nothing you can do to stop me#i dont regret it and it will happen again#i love her so much#rhcp red hot chili peppers#john frusciante
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Time and Time Again comes back tonight!
Thank you all for being so patient with me, I know it was a long hiatus.
My health was struggling, my arm was (is) hurting, and I decided it wasn't worth it. I'd rather be slow!
So thank you for giving me that grace, and I hope you'll be there with me for the rest of the series.
#like straight up. it's not worth it. idc how many people get mad at me#i would rather work fuckin. anything else than maintain this impossible schedule and keep hurting myself#if thats what it takes to do comics full time. then i can't do comics full time. simple as that!#i hope that for my next work i can have a healthier schedule and still make this work as my job#but if not. I'm never going back#i can't do it. 3 more years at this pace will take my ability to draw#anyways. its really good!!!#like genuinely i can feel a marked improvement in my skills#which is WILD!!! And I'm extremely happy about that!!!#just one more step into being better built to give people the quality stories they deserve.#ive not properly had the fire under my ass to finish stuff up but. its fine.#like i said? not worth it.#if i have to pause again then ill pause again. like i literally simply can not my body can't handle it#so. hopefully stuff goes smoothly but whatever happens will happen#whatever will be will be#i keep getting distracted lmfao#im excited about it coming back#and also. will. probably be distracting myself...#other creators dont read their comments. I'm like straight up not capable of that LMAOOO#i check for comments like all the time#love seeing em. love reading people's thoughts about my work#it makes me a better writer and keeps me connected to what matters most. which is my audience!#so i dont regret doing that but also. jts extremely distracting#i get straight up nothing done on big update days#cause im in the comments absolutely massive eyed refreshing.#this sounds obsessive. and it is. no jk#its just fun and keeps me in touch w peoples perception which helps me learn to write better#plus people are nice and ask me questions that i wanna answer#or if someone is being an ass. then i wanna tell them to leave (cause i cant block people) cause i consider it my responsibility#time and time again
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am i rlly going to write a death note literary analysis when i could be doing other things
about the discourse going on in the tag abt "death note is acab and thats why the characters couldnt better the world with the note (/written in somewhat jokey matter)" vs "death note is trying to say we all have potential for evil, especially if you get a chance to insta-hurt ppl without repercussions, and it doesnt matter if youre a cop or not", i personally feel like it ignores the things that i like abt death note, which is "both of these things are true", and simultaneously "both of these things do not matter". the first part of this is dedicated to the first point, the latter to the last.
first point. i think its an important part of the message and themes (unintentional or not, and i lean on the former because... come on, can you really say the author intended you to not think of the cops as good people, at least compared to light and l) that light is a cops son, and that almost everyone who gets the death note is cop adjacent/thinks like a cop and is already corrupt/powerful when they get it (mello raised to think hed be just like l, yotsuba group is self explanatory; you cannot look me in the eyes and tell me teru "churchill" mikami, who was hand selected by light out of a bunch of rabid kira supporters, is a normal citizen). i appreciated the cop post bc its rlly important to not gloss over that aspect.
all of this would be an argument for "only someone like them would do something like this, and i am not like them, so im above them and immune to thinking about what id do with it", but... misa is the MOST important outlier in all of this bc her murders are solely selfish in nature and shes not doing any of this for "the greater good"!!! her nature of being an exception and still a very very bad person is really really important...
or it would be if death note gave a shit about her character at all!!! im not talking about her tragic side, im talking about exploring the ramifications of her killing people the way lights murders are (somewhat) explored. that would strengthen the message greatly! but shes dismissed and that weakens it overall. firstly, she's dismissed by the characters when l only sees her as a way to get to kira and basically shelves her the rest of the time. secondly, shes dismissed by the narrative when her character is gradually ground down to a stump and (not to sound perilously close to the bad takes ppl meme about) she never faces repercussions for her actions. every other character using the death note is treated relatively seriously, but misa just dies bc her love is dead. im not saying this isnt a... fitting punishment or that it isnt in character, but it doesnt fit snugly into the theme other people are talking about of "you reap what you sow" at all.
we do have something of an equivalent to misa's grayscale motives. surprise surprise, its light yagami. first is light's characterization in the musical (i will also note that misa never kills anyone in the musical). light's thinking is coplike, yes — he literally starts his first song by talking about "throw[ing] away the key" — but also, oddly enough, could be read as progressive and therefore sympathetic to tumblr ("let the corporations make the regulations / and hold no one accountable when everything gets wrong / let the rich and famous get away with murder / every time a high-priced mouthpiece starts to talk, his client gets to walk"). compare to the anime and manga, where his bigotry and pride and disgust come from a place of lukewarm dissatisfaction and boredom. the musical has much less time to play around with lights character, so it gives the audience something to immediately hook on. more on how that actually plays out later.
in the animanga, none of this is justified from the start. animanga light could say he was just killing people to make humanity way, way worse, and that wouldnt matter, because at the root of it, it was always his boredom that made him pick up the note. of course he actually believes in justice and believes hes doing the right thing (no, he believes he's doing the wrong thing, for the sake of the world... the right thing, because he is god...), but it was boredom at the start. all animanga light says about justice and righteousness and the law is a front in the end, bc he is exactly like l and misa — amoral. selfish. searching for entertainment. hedonistic. we know this. he kills naomi misora*. he kills lind l. turner. everything hes saying deserves to be dismissed from the beginning.
"but doesnt that mean you agree with the discourse post you wrote this post to argue against?" like i said, i agree with both of them! but i... still think its not right to reduce death note to the message of "the power to kill people is bad". because that is not exactly what the story is saying, even though that's literally its whole plot and therefore reaching that conclusion is self explanatory (lmao). let's look at the concept of mu. nothingness. "there's no heaven or hell". The Real Slay The Princess (Death Note Essay) Starts Here.
in light's final moments in the death note manga, while screaming about not wanting to die, he remembers that the first day they met, ryuk told light that "there's no heaven or hell. no matter what they do in life, all people go to the same place. all humans are equal in death". it is retroactively revealed that light knew this the whole time, operated under this knowledge for all the years we watched him — the knowledge that nothing he does is actually bad, that nothing any human does is actually bad, that shinigami are not "evil", that the universe does not care. that no one cares except humans. this oblivion absolutely terrifies him more than anything anyone could ever do to him. its what he thinks of before anything else as he flails there, screaming, dying. one could say everything he does after that day is him trying to escape that fact, or wrest control over it. but it doesnt work.
here are the lyrics of requiem, the musical's final song, sung over the bodies of l and musical light, a light who was at least somewhat good-intentioned at first: "sleep now, here among your choices / then fade away / hear how the world rejoices / shades of gray / gone who was right or wrong / who was weak or strong / nothing left to learn". this is the final message the death note musical and the manga chose to leave us with. there is no judgement. even after all that acknowledged hurt, after all the damage done, there is no judgement.
in the manga and anime alike, the world is just as fucked when light picks up the death note as when he dies. sure, we as readers can guess otherwise logically (and be optimistic, believing the world was never fucked regardless), but that's not what death note wants you to think. it ends with matsuda and another member of the task force noting how the world is worse again even though they killed kira (matsuda is clearly much worse for wear, but still determined), we see the shitty motorcycle band again, it ends with misa and a whole kira cult on a mountain even though kira died a long time ago...
its extremely important that light is never killed by any human or any aspect of the law. he is always killed by ryuk: a chaotic force completely detached from human sensibilities, one that does not care about good and evil. same with l; in the anime, manga, and musical, he is always killed by rems senseless, morally gray love (and you could argue in the kdrama that hes killed by love there too lol). justice is just a set dressing.
this is not just because death note is a tragedy, because good and evil can still matter in a tragedy. the theme of "nothingness" and "good and evil doesnt matter here" is also shown in a situation relatively unrelated to light winning or losing, or being good or bad. and its in fucking lawlight of all things. we all know ls not a good person. we know lights not a good person. this is tip of the iceberg death note knowledge. but the moment they start to interact, none of that starts to matter. textually, their relationship becomes more important than the people theyve killed and hurt. and the thing is? the thing is? THAT WORKS STORY-WISE. THAT'S ENTERTAINING. AND IT'S NEVER TEXTUALLY CALLED OUT IN A LASTING WAY. l and lights relationship, no matter how much i meme it, is genuinely important to the themes and "mu" because it makes it clear that despite all the pretensions, despite everything, this was never about good and evil. and it still works in the story. this is why death note is simultaneously a comedy — isn't the battle of good and evil supposed to matter more? well, fine, i'll keep watching this anyway. that suspension of disbelief comes crashing down the moment l dies, though, and a relationship built on nothingness (the "mu" sort, meaninglessness, not "character development" nothingness, theres plenty of character development) gives way to just nothingness (again, "mu", not light's post-l depression nothingness), forever.
(an aside: there is no one to root for in death note, and the only things to root for are either interesting character relationships, convoluted plots, or complete and total destruction: for everything to end so no more damage is done.)
not to say that death note does not encourage its readers to consider what damage they might do with the death note (obviously.), or that its characters never do. look at matsuda, a much easier heroic figure to latch on to than soichiro because of his unique place in the cast dynamic and because he's willing to consider both sides of the situation and kill light instantly for all he's done. its just that the story's own stance on the subject is... complicated by the existence of shinigami worldviews and by its own insistence that the world cannot change for the better.
also, this is not to say that this is executed well by the death note manga at all. it is a very strong tool, artistically, to establish and then violently remove any emotional connections between characters and make your story only about the exceedingly convoluted lengths characters go to to survive and catch each other so the reader can realize how ultimately pointless all of this is, but like... is that a good story choice if that's all you do? i would say not really. add in a good dollop of misogyny that destroys the second-to-last character who might actually be an interesting contrast to the rest of the cast's dull one-track focus on winning and justice, and youve got yourself a shitty story that... honestly still achieves what it went out to do, just not in a way id ever want to replicate.
anyway, back to the parts death note's actually trying to say. no matter what any human does in their life, no matter how they try to hurt or help the world, they all die in the end. hey, light, they all die in the end. once dead, they can never come back to life. and the seasons turn. and the world rejoices. and you say "goodbye"...
that's all.
no analysis of death notes overarching theme would be complete without nears final monologue, the definitive roast of light, the "you're just a murderer" speech: "what is right from wrong? what is good from evil? nobody can truly distinguish between them. even if there is a god." if we take this as talking about the actual god in the room (ryuk) as well as light, then near admits that humans will never be able to withstand these overwhelming forces and that, using justice and happiness and selfishness, they are just scrabbling to find meaning in things they ultimately have no control over.
but of course, near does not stop there. "[...] even then i'd stop and think for myself. i'd decide for myself whether his teachings are right and wrong." nears alright with not having control over everything, because near can still control nears own actions. these forces can and do exist, but they have no sway over nears own humanity — unlike light, who caved.
one of the creators of death note said they believe its message is "life is short, so everyone should do their best". the first time i learned this, i was like, thats... nice and optimistic, but an awful reading of the story! "life is short, so everyone should be desperate and striving like light yagami", who literally cut off other ppls lives for his own life? what character in death note are we supposed to strive towards when we "do our best"? they all do awful things with their lives! honestly, maybe they shouldnt have tried their best, if this is what their best is!
but with the view of "mu"... it makes a bit more sense. just a little. maybe.
there is no good and evil. there is only what humans think, and no matter what we do, we all die in the end. it is easy to be crushed and terrified by this in the same way light is, but what is more important than justice and righteousness and finding meaning is... doing your best. not being a person that hurts others too much. not letting yourself get swallowed up by an ideal. not going too far. and simultaneously, trusting yourself.
it leaves a few questions, though... was the currently dead l even a little bit right about his blatantly amoral approach, then? was there a point to this pain, and me slogging through this dumbass manga, and all the people that have lost their lives to a selfish teenage cop's son and the whims of everyone chasing after him? was there a point to any of this...?
the manga** never answers this. it stays clinically impartial until the very end. the musical is anything but clinically impartial (and i love it so much for that), and its ryuk that has the last word.
"there's no point at all."
of course theres no point. none of this was ever supposed to happen. that is what matters more than all the hurt and the crimes and the pain.
and that's... actually okay, because it's over now.
yes, death note has many really important themes present in its story, but its viewpoint is nihilism first and foremost. thats why its so fun and easy to play around with all the other messages, because no matter what fun or torment or awful things or righteous justice or absolute nothingness or sentimentality happens in between, there is always an end.
there is always the end.
#*naomi was killed off bc the author thought shed solve the case too quickly. ironic. i dont think it was meant to forward a theme other than#'light evil! oh no!!!' bc it had minimal buildup and absolutely no repercussions. it is just kind of smth that happens#everything in death note is just smth that happens bc. at some point i just have to admit its NOT RLLY WELL WRITTEN#but it says something. it says many things. and i like balancing the two in my head#death note#personal#**>reduces anime ending to a footnote /j#anime ending: light regrets COMING THIS FAR- not his crimes. he sees l as another regret and dies.#another example of the tragic self (and tragic relationship) ultimately being more important than morals#l would be proud of the torment he inflicted on light if he were not fucking dead#i would also bring up the argument that the way every death note character uses the note is so extreme that its hard to compare them#to real people but lets assume that the author was trying to replicate how actual human beings work as much as possible*#you made it deep enough into the tags would you like to hear about near and mello being nonbinary—#'there is an end so why not enjoy the middle? chain yourself to a hot boy eat strawberry shortcake be bisexual and lie'#*either that or they were just explicitly trying to have fun like they said they was doing#light yagami#sure ill tag my boy#'you cant say the curtains are just blue!' well can i say the curtains were shittily made#norrie if you look at this post ever again ill death note you myself
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my og podcast men !!
[ID: Night Vale fanart of Carlos and Cecil. Cecil is a tall white man with four eyes posing with a grin, wearing a crop top that says “I can see you,” a neon green puffy jacket, and floral pants. Carlos a long-haired brown man wearing a lab coat splattered in colorful stains over a purple outfit, and he’s holding Cecil’s arm with a smile. End ID]
ID by @princess-of-purple-prose thank you for the ID!!!
#i love nightvale so much im so happy its still going#cant wait to se what happens to cecil next episode O_O#ive had a cecil design for a very long time but i thought i would revamp him with better outfits lol#and my carlos has always been the same just bc i love his ''plain until you look down and see his labcoat'' vibe#i had to draw paisley patterns for this tho ToT dont regret it bc i love the way it looks but damn... never again#also i am a 4 eyed cecil believer. he has 4 eyes and thats the truth :)#welcome to night vale#wtnv#cecil gershwin palmer#carlos the scientist#my art#if you dont want to be tagged i can take it out but i wanted to credit and thank you!
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#i am so gonna regret posting this in the morning#but well#thats worry for my morning self#its supposed to be 'dont fuck with us' cralt drawing#cause both of them are absolutely capable of fucking u up#except now they look like angry poodles#one day i am gonna get there#also lol#this is#first time i am drawing crowley without smile#first time serious crowley#thats a big thing for me#back to normal looking drawings#this wont be happening again#crowley meratyn#halt o'carrick#rangers apprentice#ranger's apprentice#thursday draws#edit:#this is kinda experiment i think?#anyways#fr. i might delete it in the morning because not entirely sure i like the way it turned out
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I know ultimate sacrifice is dying in fight for what matters the most and in 100% cases it was reversed by kissing headcanon is strong, but what if your existence was erased from the universe and only I remember about you now instead, huh?
#the fact that 100% cases is a one game is irrelevant#so far rule was simple: hedgehog has to be kissed to be deadn't#sonic the hedgehog#sonic prime season 3#shadow the hedgehog#i know that making potentialy at least several episodes if not a whole season without titular character is unlikely but what if?#it seems to be year of Shadow so its more likely than ever#sonadow#the “i heart you too”/“you must hate having to admit you need me” callback potential is too good#its not even as much about shipping as hoping for it to be meanigful in any way#i just want it to be more than everyone being sad and constantly saying how amazing he was and how they miss him#& brooding shadow grudgingly working with nine/anyone else because they forced him to and them winning because of power of friendship#and shoving a chaos emerald up sonics ass and everything going back to how it was#i want character development for shadow too damn it!#i want him to make some sort of a sacrifice too#i want him to fight for it. i want him to struggle without sonic. i want him to regret. i want him to go trough 5 stages of grief.#i! want! him! to! FEEL!!!#and what i DEFINITELY dont want is '06v2#which potentialy can be the case but with “everything is back to normal as if it never happened but i remember Everything” instead#(hopefuly cause if theyre gonna retcon themseves again i swear im gonna give birth of cacti out of my ass)#sonic prime#sonic prime s3#sth#in this concept sonic goes away somewhere in the first episode/somewhere early in s3 btw#and other ppl will remember sonic in some way at some point or at least help shadow cause lets be honest he needs all the help he can get#but make it gradual and more like a snyder sized movie than a tvshow
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officially scary looking enough that i got handed a now hiring flyer as i was buying horror movie shirts at a haunted house, completely unprompted loll
#.txt#this actually happened a few days ago but i just remembered it again and it's funny to me#i go to haunted houses most years but ive never been handed a flyer.... they did seem very understaffed at this one.....#maybe next year my health will be better and i can apply to one. i dont think i could be an actor but i could do something else<3#anyway i hope next year i can find one that's actually scary.. i never so much as flinch</3#starting to think people straight up lie about them being scary cuz i just walk through like ☺️ smiling at actors and studying the props#weird little autistic freak that i am.#oh and a clown actor complimented my outfit. highlight of the night fr#the shirts were saw and killer klowns btw. theyre softstyle so i couldnt resist (i hate heavy cotton shirts with a passion)#almost bought an evil dead one kinda regret that i didnt but the print wasnt great quality..#anyway done yapping🖤
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got visually spoiled on the literally last thing i was still actively missing and working towards in totk but i dont think im gonna like it anyway ...
if it is what i think it is, and what it looks like to be, its just yet another nail in the coffin (or however you say that) as to why the lore sucks in this game even tho it had such good setup and so much potential
#ganondoodles talks#totk spoilers#tagging it as such bc im gonna say my current thoguhts about it here#again its just visually and i havent seen the text to it yet#so please dont say anythign about it#but#im 100% certain its the reward for all shrines which i dont have yet#and first of all it looks dumb as shit#and second of all its supposed to be the ancient hero in the tapestry isnt it#the zonau got their grimy hands on that too dont they#the thing that was such a cool mystery all this time got solved just like that isnt it#nintendo saw us theorizing about gan being the ancient hero and thought oh gods now we cant give him nuance quickly invent some zonau excus#however that makes sense since they were supposedly long gone by the time the first calamity happened#which still happened even with the time fuckery going on since the tapestry still exists and the last guardian remains#tho it doesnt look quite like a zonau but more like some creepy ass unholy mix of a lizard and gerudo#im gonna wait with my final judgement since i havent read the text yet#but it for sure isnt motivating me more to get all the last 50 or so shrines#i regret finishing the underground first so much man#all you get is a you did it sticker#literally#should have done the shrines first so at least i couldnt get spoiled on that still#im guessing its funney reference or whatever#some mysteries are better left unsolved#didnt want to rush and get all shrines in a hurry and isntead explore it on my own since the exploring part and world is what i love#aside from the music#but i guess i gotta do that now#actual shrine hutning stream incoming i guess#:/
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Ough my fucking god, pretty sure I'm finally done with this ridiculous nsfw... fine art painting I've been sinking all my spare time into lately (and also time I should be spending doing chores and sleeping smh). Basically was the result of me being creatively bankrupt recently, and getting Very Excited that I actually wanted to finish something. And I've also uhhhh been dealing with The Horrors, as one does, and it's been a very effective distraction:D
Anyway I'm trying to get my ass outside rn but if all goes as planned, I'll post it on cohost this evening, with thumbnail and link here ofc. I uh. I gave Mayuri different equipment downstairs than I usually do, partially in an attempt to do a gender affirmation thing and partially bc I wanted to draw him wearing a strap on. So that's uhhhh.. well it's something:/ I also realized, coincidentally, that I'm totally inexperienced at drawing said equipment, so apologies in advance. It looks.. fine? I think? I didn't really make it the focus of the thing, so as long as it's vaguely recognizable, I suppose I did alright. Omfg I'm going to stop typing now
#he has. a boypussy or whatever the young trans guys are calling it nowadays idfk#i also made him Pale Mayuri AGAIN but fixed it by just making it his paint#is what happens when i dont think about color til it's way too late.. and i also dont plan right (or at all) and paint the whole fn thing#on one layer#(theres more layers now but the bulk of it is one one. and yes i do regret this:D)#ON one not. one one fhdjsbdbbd
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You know thinking of Dave (because I'm chopping onions and as a sigma I can't be seen crying for emotional reasons) and I did realize Jack really never calls him out of Henry does he? Like the one time he does is bc it was about Dee (in the first area) and in pure evil, both in 2 and 3, Jack won't tell him all Henry did to him and his family.
I need to keep chopping vegetables but don't y'all find it curious? Like I'd seen someone mention how there's no way to bring up the tapes when talking to either Dave or DTrap which admittedly I ruled off as DD just not wanting to bother writing more for an already long game but with all these other things in mind it's just strange.
#luly talks#couldn't tell you why though#i mean when he calls him out in 3 evil end before he RIPS HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF Dave seems to be really... moved. regretful#i might be just fucking forgetting a crucial part of flipside but aside from that i mentioned after Jacob i dont remember it happening#this came bc i was thinking of that dave DID know btw bc i think he's aware he died?#i think henry says early on he didn't know but when he calls jack all souless and creepy jack'o'lantern says ''takes one to know one Dave''#and dave drops my beloved ''that huwt old sport 😢'' (HIS INABILITY TO SAY Rs SMTIMES IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME)#but aside from being funny it really shows he Knows he's souless and i dont think he EVER cries over something so small again(in 2 at least)#OTHER TIME HE CRIES aside from the breakup THAT I REMEMBER IS WHEN HE TALKS W PHONEY#sorry peter old habits die hard#AND AGAIN HE'S TALKING ABOUT HENRY#huh. lights smoke and walks into tje sea#dsaf#dsaf dave#dsaf jack#jack kennedy#dave miller
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scrolling back through my liveblogging of the day of the nyc concert because of recent notifications and its such a fun mixed bag of emotions to relive it all again
#helloooooo pineapple in my notes i do not mind the likes and reblogs <3#but it was such a crazy day that day of the show. so much happened#i also didn't remember that the day before the concert is when my bus got messed up and was taking me back to ny#and i had to get a car service home and everything#and then there was the concert the next day!#and what i had done was worked monday. took all of tuesday off for the concert. got like maybe 4 hour of sleep if that#and then went back to work wednesday. stupid#it worked out fine lol but i dont think id do it that way again idk#other remembrances of the day:#my biggest regret is getting all worked up abt my stupid letter that never got to them anyway like jeez. obviously i still enjoyed the show#but still. OH and i missed out on getting the latte pinback buttons#not the biggest deal but i did want those. i was just awkwardly standing around before the nyc show#and the merch line was always super long anyway#what else. oh i wish i could have met those of you that were there. but next time! im cooler now so next time.#the show itself was crazyyyy. again so fun and surreal#one of the tags on my original review was something along the lines of me having not been this excited since i was a kid#and it was really like that. like it really was that absolute pure overjoyed excitement that i haven't felt for a long time#i felt the same at the hollywood bowl. just having so much fun (missing it now lol 🥲)#cant remember if i mentioned this before but when i was standing outside the stage door i saw both spike lee and adam driver leave backstage#adam driver is Tall. i didnt even recognize him at first fdhgkgkg#anyway. some thoughts almost a year later wow!
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HGEY I HAVENT SEEN THE FEDERATION STREAM YET BUT APPARENTLY SOMETHING HAPPENED TO A CODE ENTITY THEY KIDNAPPED AND THEY NEED TO CHECK ON IT AND I AM IMMEDIATELY WORRIED ABOUT CODEFLIPPA
#shes my daughter my beautiful baby girl nothing bad better have happened to her#cant wait for that bombshell to drop. cant wait for qcharlie and qmariana to blow up the federation forever and ever#auausysgd i dont CARE if shes a code im so attached to her#charlie and mariana dont deserve to lose their daughter AGAIN#and i KNOW charlies gonna blame himself for it. i KNOW hes gonna regret getting on that train even more now. rrhegrhhrjr#this might not even be ABOUT codeflippa but shes the only code we've seen in a /while/#and cucurucho was STARING her and charlie down at the halloween event they KNOW shes around they KNOW where charlie lives. augh.#qsmp
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anyone else up feeling utterly overwhelmed or nah
#not to overshare on the internet but.#idk there's just So Much to untangle and So Many mental habits to break and it feels impossible. how can i undo 20 years of this.#like yeah ive already made some progress just in the last few years but thats just the very tip of the proverbial iceberg!!!!#every single day i find something else buried deep that i have to try and root out!!!!!!!!!!! literally every day!!!!!!!!!!!#im just. hrghhgh#i dont want to be fighting this for the rest of my life man. im so tired.#i think. the worst thing about this is. it feels like they still have a hold on me.#which is genuinely the most bone-chilling horrifying thought i have ever had.#i DONT regret leaving but man. if i fall back in. because everything familiar is there. i dont think i could rip myself away again.#because leaving the first time was hard enough. i don't think im strong enough to do it again.#genuinely terrifying. i hate living like this#getting the fuck out of this state canNOT happen soon enough. i swear to god#winter speaks#personal#<- sorry its very late at night <///3 im getting introspective and feeling frustrated
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WAIT! WAIT WAIT! I'm getting notifications in the browser tumblr again??? It's happening yall, it's happening!!! IT'S HAPPENING! MY TUMBLR BROWSER IS FIXING ITSELF THANK THE STAAARRRSSS!!!
#aria rants#ive been using tumblr browser less cuz of how Broken its been for me for DAYS now. it wont show ANY notifications#theres a delay with the posts (id have to click the post now button twice cuz itd say theres a problem whenever i try it the first time)#theres so many troubles when it comes to my dash. i cant fast reblog easily cuz of how sometimes theres an Error or wtv#and then itd ALWAYS unlike a post i like and id have to Stare at the heart button for a good second to know if it Stays Liked#dont even get me started on the troubles with replying on posts. oooohhhh gooodness it was BAD. id type out a pretty long answer#and then click enter only for it to disappear into the void cuz there was a Problem apparently??? so then id have to type it out again#all while regretting that i kept forgettin to just copy my answer before clicking enter (its a habit though...) so i can just paste it agai#and THEN it wont even go through during my 2nd attempt (in which i thankfully remembered to copy my answer) so id have to paste#it AND TRY AGAIN and istg it sometimes takes like 5 tries. this hellsite has been the most Broken it can be for DAYS and ive been#so o<-< about it but i continued to persevere cuz now im back to using my phone for games a lil more actively so i cant use it for tumblr#but finally... FINALLY!!!! NOTIFICATIONS! ITS RECOVERING YALL! ITS FINALLY HAPPENING! ITS FIXING ITSELF!!! FINNNAAALLYYY!!!!!!
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thinking about law school and im so excited to be back in an academic environment
#mine#im applying for 2025 fall sessions !!!!!#i dont think ill get into any of the best schools or the ones i want tbh but wherever i go im ready to study again#also to have a part time job instead of full time#“dont work in your first year of law school its overwhelming blah blah blah” have u considered im poor#my electricity bill went up 300% this month and i couldnt even afford to buy pads#they had to put me on a month union fee waiver too#companies are so mf greedy#whatever happens even tho ill be overwhelmed there is no future for me in which i am not working#i took a month off in between jobs and this is the thing i regret the most in my life#it was so expensive#and i didnt even do well on the lsat tho i studied everyday so it was basically a waste#“oh but you got to rest” no i didnt actually i was stressed af everyday and not getting any money#whats worse is my new job ive been working a month almost and still i wont get paid until mid november#im pinching pennies at this point#in debt bc of pads#now thats $14 i already didnt have but have even less#didnt realize my life would be a living example of why capitalism is bad#like i hear all these stories#didnt know that would be me#even tho ive struggled a lot in my life#but living on my own ive never done financially well#also was born in poverty which is great#my family had some money as i grew up tho so i experienced some comforts#i think im a weird person#rant in the tags
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#its probably because i got a double dose of antidepressants but i need to vent#i'm tired of feeling tired#i don't even know concretely what i want to talk about#but the latest reblogs have been on my mind alot#i don't think the past year would have affected me as much as it had if it wasn't for the shunning and silence that#that comes with talking about microaggressions and racism in fandoms#its one thing to have a bad experience with a few people#its another when most of the people you knew just watched it happened#i know people dont believe ne#its easier to say im the 'aggressive one'#its just sad because i don't even have to be black online#im sad i feel like i have to choose#but the fandom was the first time i had so many nonblack friends at once#and i regret it so much#funny enough my dad always warns me every year about that kind of stuff#about the importance of keeping your distance from non-black folks#because of how quickly they turn on u when you're labelled difficult#he told me that again yesterday and he has no idea any of this stuff happened#that im on antidepressants now because i didn't listen to him#needless to say the second i finish my fic i don't want anything to do with p5 again#the only reason ive even continued is cause i love my story so much#i dont see the point in putting so much of my heart out in a fandom not safe for black folks#then again what fandom even is#delete later
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