#i dont really want to make it too much harder
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caldre smut fic
includes spanking, praise, degradation, daddy kink, andre being overly worried, etc.
note: this came from a post and then my boyfriend found the full video, so i decided to write this….enjoy your slop/j
calvin was situated over andres lap while he sat on his bed, jeans pulled down to his knees to show his grey boxers.
cal had wanted to try something different this time around, but andre was hesitant.
it was weird to put it simply and he didnt want to hurt his boyfriend. although, theyve done a lot worse - even before they established they were dating.
so, nonetheless he still tries.
“just do it, ‘dre. itll be fine,” cal reassures him, looking back at him “im *asking* you to do it, arent i?”
andre slowly nodded “well, yeah, but i dont want to - you know, hurt you.”
the blonde smiled, enjoying all of the others worry and care “thats the point though, andre. its supposed to hurt.”
hes not wrong, it was supposed to hurt. he just didnt want to get too carried away and hurt him *too* badly.
calvin seems to know what hes thinking, so he adds “i trust you. i know you wont make it too bad.”
with that andre lets out a sigh, flexing his hands to let his knuckles crack “if it hurts too bad youll tell me, yeah?”
calvin quickly nodded, too eager to worry about that sort of thing. he liked how much andre cared, but sometimes it would get in the way of things.
however, the brunette finally gets on with it, trusting that cal will tell him if it becomes too much for him.
andre lays his hand flat over calvins ass, lifting it before bringing it right back down. it wasnt anything too hard at first, but it wasnt too soft either.
cal lets out a short squeak, burying his face into the bedsheets. it felt good although it wasnt exactly the roughness he was looking for.
he brings his hand up again and then back down, taking note of the way the others body seemed to jolt.
he does it a third time and then a forth, now being able to feel cals erection hard against his thigh.
“do it - a little harder, please, andre.” he begged, voice muffled from the bed sheets. he *needed* it to be as hard and rough as possible.
andre hesitated again though, but ultimately obliged - he brought his hand down harder this time which pulls a whiny moan out of his boyfriend.
“was that alright?” he asked, wanting to make sure he was doing it how he wanted him to.
“yeah - god, yeah, ‘dre. keep doing it like that *please.*” his eagerness and begging seemed to take a toll on him. it was always one of the things that got to him.
andre hits him even harder, reveling in the cry he gets in return. its beautiful, really, he thought all the noises cal made were gorgeous.
he gets ready to do it again, but is interrupted by feeling the other grind down against his thigh. it makes his breath hitch and he gets an idea - an idea he has no clue if calvin will like or not, but he does it anyway.
andre slams down his hand twice as hard, getting an even louder cry from cal “dont fucking grind against me unless i tell you otherwise, alright?”
the blonde is ecstatic as soon as he says that - he loves when andre is dominant and can use his naturally commanding tone for something like this.
“yeah - yes, sir - daddy, ah, fuck,” it comes out in a string of nonsense, but hes able to catch onto what he says and it makes his erection strain against his pants.
he doesnt reply though and just lays another slap down, listening to the moaning and whining.
he decides though that he wants to change this up a little bit.
he takes a moment to pull down calvins grey boxers, exposing him fully now. he doesnt seem to mind it - only letting out a whimper from the lack of touch.
andre gives him what he wants again though, flattening out his hand once more and hitting him.
it hurts more now without the barrier and cal lets it show, pressing his hips down as if to move away from the other.
the brunette takes notice and lays down an even harsher hit “i thought you wanted this, calvin? did you change your mind?”
cal cant get over the way he says his name, whimpering again as he shook his head, but that wasnt good enough. he lets out a yelp as hes hit once again.
“yeah - i do, i want it, sir,” it comes out, almost stuttery “please - im sorry.”
andre hummed, letting his hand rest over his ass as he rubbed at the mark already starting to form “tell me how much you want it, cal.”
the blonde swallowed hard, but does his best to answer “so, so bad, ‘dre. i - i wanna feel your hands on me,” he yelped as he was cut off by another slap, but he continued “please, daddy - shit, it feels so good.”
andre wasnt sure if he was dreaming or not. this was too good to be true and he couldnt get enough of it.
he then grabbed a fistful of his silky blonde hair, yanking his head up to look at him.
there were *tears* streaking down his face and there was spit covering his mouth and chin.
he hadnt even realized he started crying and he wants to ask if hes okay - if this was getting to be too much for him, but his boyfriend already knew what he was going to say, so he gives him a short, subtle nod for him to continue.
thats all he needed.
“are you sure thats what you want?,” he questioned, yanking his head back a little further “you want me to keep hurting you like youre some *slut?*”
the blonde nodded eagerly, sniffling “please, please daddy. i need it so fucking bad - you have no idea.”
he lets go of his hair and gets ready to continue, but the other is confused when he doesnt get right back to it.
however, his confusion turns to excitement when he hears andre unbuckling his belt and sliding it out of the loops on his pants.
andre holds both ends and doesnt hesitate to smack it right down against him, hearing the string of sounds and sobs it earns.
he does it again and again - continuing to do it over and over again while he watched the area turn a pretty shade of pink and red.
it was beautiful. he thought calvin looked like an angel no matter what they were doing - even if it something as dirty as this.
“oh, oh ��dre,” he moaned, digging his nails into the bed sheets “you gotta let - let me do it, daddy. oh, you have to.” its obvious what he means and he figured it wouldnt hurt to let him.
“only if you can behave - dont hump me like some damn dog.” before he can even finish his sentence, he was already grinding down against him like earlier. it felt good to finally relieve the pain.
at this point the blonde was panting like a dog, grinding down against andres thigh so hard that his jeans were starting to irritate his cock, but he makes no effort to stop him.
“oh, fuck, fuck - you, you gotta let me cum, daddy, please-“ it comes out in a sob - so desperate and needy to get himself off no matter what.
andre doesnt have a reason not to let him, so he agreed “yeah, go ahead, cal.” he says it all soft, contrasting from his earlier tone.
calvin takes that and grinds his hips down just about as hard as he could while andre takes the opportunity to lay another hit or two on him.
it was only a moment later that he was cumming all over his thigh with a high pitched moan - moaning andres name as loud as he could, just for him to hear.
its music to his ears, he thinks. all of this was perfect.
calvin is exhausted by the time hes finished, letting himself lay on andres lap while he comes down from his high.
the brunette sets the belt down and placed his hand back over the marks, rubbing over them gently again “that was really good.” he says it, sounding embarrassed for even being into it.
calvin lets out a breathless laugh, finding it cute how embarrassed he seemed to be.
he managed to sit up after a moment, trying to get over the stinging pain in his body “you did good too, ‘dre. youre the best at this,” he compliments him, leaning in to give him a quick kiss before pulling away “im so lucky to have you.”
the contrast between his words and what they did was amusing, but andre didnt care. he just smiled as his face warmed up.
although before he can comment, cals already looking down at his pants.
“oh, andre, your pants,” he tries to hold back his laughter “youre too easy.”
he gives him a confused look, but when he looks down he becomes about a hundred times more embarrassed. there was a wet spot right over his front, obviously from cumming himself.
“goddamnit,” he hissed under his breath “ruined my damn jeans.”
“they were already ruined anyway,” he gestured to the more obvious white spot that was from cal rather then himself “you can just borrow mine, i dont care.”
cal could say he was lucky all he wanted, but at the end of the day andre was even luckier then him.
“thanks, man,” he sighed “do you need me to do anything for you? you know - because…” he was still worried he had hurt him too much, but his boyfriend was quick to reassure him again.
“im fine, andre. dont worry so much,” he smiled as he wiped away the remaining tears in his eyes, face now tacky and dry “you did great.”
he finds it hard to believe him, but he forces himself to anyway.
“im allowed to worry, cal. youre my - uh, shit…” his voice trails off, not being able to say the word. it was all still so new so he didnt want to mess up and say the wrong thing.
“just because im your *boyfriend* now doesnt change anything,” he says it for him “im still the same person.”
he placed his hand on the side of his face, kissing him again. the other quickly reciprocated and leaned into it.
“i love you, ‘dre.”
“i love you too, cal.”
#tcc fandom#tcc tumblr#tccblr#tcctwt#tee cee cee#tccblur#teeceecee#anoufrievboy fanfics#caldre#calvin gabriel#cal gabriel#andre kriegman#zero day 2003#zero day
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love seeing users who are friends interact on posts. would like to interact with a user whos a friend one day, on a post
#i think what makes tumblr feel so raw to me is that its fairly anonymous#theres gonna be like 3 ppl total on here who know me irl#but a lot of their accs havent been updated in AGES#aside from one#you know who you are. dont know if you know who i am#like i have a boyfriend of almost 5 years#i wouldnt tell him a lot of what goes on on here#i cant share anything abt shipping bc he thinks thats cring#if i was to share hed be supportive but i dont need him to think lesser of me#who else will i tell that my suicide attempt was not just an attempt#but effectively a gender wake up call as i shouted at the top of my lungs:#I want to be a boy! I want to be a boy!#i think about it sometimes and it geniunely tears at my soul#in different circumstances#with more supportive people around me#id be a trans man.#how harrowing is that#to stifle part of your identity just to make sure i am loved#life is already hard#i dont really want to make it too much harder#that and id look even more like my dad and that makes me somewhat suicidal again#btw my suicide attempt was in 2019!#thats how long ive been fighting myself!!#gotta wonder if i did attempt to transition#would i even be happy?#or do i just think i would be happy
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lonely
[ID: A limited palette of green and pink, Vashwood comic. The first page serves as a prologue. The first panel shows Vash speaking to someone off screen while Wolfwood is lingering behind him. A black arrow is drawn pointing at him. In the second panel, Vash is buying donuts in the distance while Wolfwood is once again in view, lingering. and the black arrow is drawn pointing at him. In the third panel, Vash is leaving a cubicle and turning towards his right with a slightly peeved expression. He sees Wolfwood, leaning against the cubicle, waiting for him, and with the black arrow drawn, pointing at him, implicating the consistent hovering of Wolfwood’s presence during Vash’s everyday. At the bottom of the page, they’re drawn out of panel with Vash turning to Wolfwood and saying with an irritated expression, “You’re really following me everywhere, huh?” Wolfwood responds, “What, you got a problem?” Vash responds without hesitation, “Yeah, kinda...”
The second page starts with a new day. In the first panel, Vash is seen alone, weighing apples in his hands at a mart, with crowds passing behind him. In the second panel, he turns to his right and starts to say, “Hey, Wolfwood...” In the third panel, he’s startled from seeing a stranger, whom he’d accidentally called out to when he was expecting to see Wolfwood. He says, “Oh, you’re not him. Sorry!” In the fourth panel, the stranger walks off and Vash muses, “Right, he said he had something to do today...”
The third page begins with a close up of Vash's miffed expression, the continuation of Vash's thoughts, "Now that he's not here, this is just like how I used to be, but... It feels lonely somehow. Oh well, I'll see him again tonight, like always." In the second panel, it shows Vash walking through the marketplace crowd, alone. In the third panel, the door panel is a close up of the door opening with a peek of Vash's head. He says, "Wolfwood!" In the fourth panel, Vash is holding a bag of food with a bright smile and says, "Are you hungry? I got you something to eat today!"
The fourth page begins with a shot of the room, two beds being highlighted, one of them being made properly with the blanket draped over the bed and the other with the blanket folded and pillow sitting on top of it. There's no sign of Wolfwood. The second panel shows Vash with a disappointed look as he thinks, "He's still not here?" The third panel shows Vash putting the bag of food on the table. Stapled to the paper bag is the receipt with a written note "For Wolfwood." Vash's thoughts continue "He does like to stay out so, I guess there's no reason to worry..." The fourth panel shows Vash sitting his bed somberly with his thoughts continued, "It's not any of my business anyway..."
The fifth page starts with a close up his blank expression as he looks downwards, thinking, "Even if he left completely... That'd be understandable and better for him. I'll just travel alone again... like before... Huh?" The next panel shows Vash's composure break, tears welling up in his eyes suddenly, as he didn't expect to cry. He starts to sob, putting his hands to his face to quiet himself and wipe at his tears, as he says, "Ugh... Dammit... I miss h..." The last panel shows Vash leaning over into his hands, still crying, and in the back, the door swings wide open with a bam as Wolfwood walks through with the punisher swung behind him. He shouts, "SPIKEY! You in here?!"
The sixth page starts with Wolfwood confused, looking at Vash and Vash looks back, just as confused, with tears in his eyes and snot out of his nose. Wolfwood starts saying, "Ah? You..." No longer in panels, at the bottom of the page, Wolfwood takes the Punisher off of himself and starts to walk towards Vash, continuing with slight concern, "What's wrong with you? Did something happen?" Vash, hurriedly begins to wipe at his tears, denying immediately, "No! No, I'm fine! Nothing happened!"
The seventh page, Vash points towards the table, with a hand still wiping at his tears and he smiles as he says, "I uh got you food. On the table." Wolfwood looks towards to the table and responds, "Oh. I was getting hungry, thanks." He turns his head back to Vash immediately after with an uncertain expression, knowing the other wasn't responding to his concern, and says, "But, I know you're an idiot with this stuff, so I'm reminding you again. Don't brush it off if it's an issue, alright?"
The eight page, Vash's tears have dried and he looks to Wolfwood with a soft smile and responds, "Yeah. It's okay though..." A panel at the center shows a side view of Vash approaching Wolfwood. At the bottom of the page, with no panel, is a close up shot of Vash's hand, holding onto the edge of Wolfwood's jacket sleeve, as he says, "Because you're here now. Wolfwood."
The final page is a back shot of both of them standing next to each other, Wolfwood's head tilted slightly to the left, not fully believing Vash as he says, "That doesn't answer anything, Spikey." Vash responds, "There's no need to talk about it! You should enjoy your food. Let's have a drink too?" Wolfwood responds, "Tsk, tsk. Fine, yeah. I could use one." END ID]
#vashwood#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#trigun#trigun maximum#but onto this comic... i think and talk a LOT about vash's loneliness bc trigun is just. kind of central on that for a good while! esp in#the original manga he was alone for a good portion of it and he tends to keep others away like how he ran away from meryl and milly when#they tried to tag along. and he was kind of bothered when he realized ww was following him around Too. at the core even though he loves#humans and he loves deeply the people he does know -- he isnt really much of a people person and i think thats been the case since he was#young considering his initial doubts towards humans... with the exception of kids bc kids dont give him moral conflicts. so suddenly#here comes wolfwood!!! his guide. someone TRULY affixed to him until he has to get to knives. someone who isnt budging and someone whos#really good at following him around and even seems like he goes like 5 steps ahead to make sure vash doesnt run on him#in one way its - i don't want you to follow me bc i don't want to burden you and i don't want you to kill the people i want to save.#in another way its - i like this companionship. i like waking up to you and i like ending the way with you. i like talking to someone who#knows my world. i like being in your space and sometimes i enjoy talking about our day#theyre just living together. like. roadtrip buddies or theyre also under the same roof because they're going everywhere together.#trimax they mainly spend their mornings together and if they had personal business attend the other person would usually know and itd only#be during the midday. anyway bc of this kind of companionship i figure that vash eventually grew accustom to it and he really. cant go back#to the kind of loneliness from before. it's harder to imagine and it'd be harder to withstand. esp after 2 years with lina and her grandma.#ruporas art
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perhaps an unpopular opinion but i really think having no full voice acting (regardless of its quality ..) was a key part in the zelda game vibe for me and i dearly miss it
besides its obvious benefits of being cheaper and easier to do, its just got a specific feel of ... i cant really describe it, but i miss it alot ........ plus its basically impossible to ruin our sour a character through bad or unfitting voice acting ..
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#i will not mention how much i dont like the english voices#i will not say it again#i swear i am not a hater of the actors#but none of them fit into zelda/to these characters imo#i played on japanese bc i didnt like one german voice#its so easy to make an experience worse by having an unfitting voice#and it kinda robs the character of their personality?#like .. translation can do alot to damage that too but voices do that so much quicker and are harder to get right#and i really dont think its worth it#but i doubt they will go back to that#after all its big and mainstream now to do that and given how much the actual producers seem to dislike the old games#yeah no thats a thing of the past#lets hope they at least wont go for realism tm next#could you imagine .................... god i dont want to
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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vsynth has long since been trending towards the uncanny valley of singing but i feel like its been especially pronounced the past few years now that a higher proportion of banks sound nigh indistinguishable from human people. you can only really tell if youre already deeply familiar with each bank's respective engine
#its stunning the amount of progress vsynth tech has made within the past few years#and its been really interesting too seeing like adachi rei rise in popularity almost as a counter to ai vsynth#its admittedly kind of saddening that the industry preference overwhelmingly pushes realistic vocals over mechanical robot vocals#and i mean i know they do come equipped with parameters you can edit to make them sound robotic again but its genuinely not the same#when you have the concatenation ai built into the software and the phoneme transitions are automatically smoothed over#this isnt to say that ai vsynth has like completely overtaken or threatening the Future of Vocalsynth though#there is a significant portion of people who largely prefer the clunky/mechanical/robotic sound of early vocalsynth#which is why i think rei has gotten as popular as she has#and the cryptonloids in particular are forever stuck in the piapro ether so the most we'll ever see of a miku ai#is just ppl messing with the rvc ai voice cloner LOL#i think if ai truly was causing Creative Bankruptcy or whatever then utau would not remain as wildly popular as it is#and part of the reason why utau still remains so popular is because [teto image] FREE SOFT its free!! anyone can use it & develop their own#vb on it too. so like yes you have the matter of industry pushing out these hyperrealistic voicebanks at an overwhelming pace#but individual fans will remain using/developing their own voicebanks (aggressively points to adachi rei again) so long as public interest#stays. hence why i dont think ''big ai'' in vocalsynth is a real threat or anything#referring to them as ai banks in the first place anyway is such a misnomer bc its not the same as generative ai#i do think that the relative simplicity at which realistic vocals are synthesized now does somewhat obscure the monumental amount of skill#it takes to tune older voicebank because that shit is HARD!!!!!!!!!#like with how synthv works it obscures the technical tuning feats of older engines and how massively massively massively impressive it is#to get anything to sound good let alone Realistic on smth like vocaloid2#synthv got popular because its ui made tuning a genuinely intuitive process rather than something that makes you want to throw#bricks at your head so its easy to forget tuning (albeit Still hard) was Much much harder#but at the same time.... ai doesnt automatically make tuning better either#actual plain vanilla ai voicebanks often sound very flat and lifeless if no actual tuning is applied i.e. vibrato pitch change tension etc#its such a beautiful complicated lovely artform#anyways my original thoughts. you unfortunately cant get that mechanical/clunky/robotic sound with. any commercial voice synth#released within the past 3 years#i hope more overtly artificial in nature banks along the same genre as rei catch on in popularity
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Hi
#i feel like i suck at drawing anime characters :(#i want to draw hajime so bad but i just feel like i cant get him right. everyone else draws him so cute#well i have drawn him like a BUNCH i just dont like how any of them turn out#its shown me like a real blind spot i have art wise because he is quite simple but getting that simplicity right consistently is hard for m#tricky tricky...#i like giving him round and open eyes kind of like how i draw komaedas except his eyebrows are usually angry#hm idk i really want to lean into the childrens storybook feel of my art#but not necessarily going into like “cartoony” territory if that makes any sense#no this probably doesnt make any sense without pictures im just rambling to myself. whatever#i just get scared to stray too much from canon designs for some reason...#i always appreciate compliments but whenever someone says wow your style is so cartoony! so shaped! im like rrgh i need to try harder.....#thats not quite what im going for.....
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Hello hello! It's me again! (That one Anon who requested Lies with Kazui & Yuno, but I've set up my account now so no need to ask anonymously again lol) Thank you for satisfying my previous request, it was such a delight to read. I keep rereading it every now and then and I'm still always left in awe with it like jesus christ you didn't have to go all in on that im sobbing with the 0207 friendship dynamic.
I've also seen your latest post and drabble asks. I'd like to request from the Drabble List#1 - #5 “Idiots. They are all idiots.” with Es themselves!
Let the prisoners have fun and Es just stares at them nonchalantly, silently judging their idiocy from afar, hell, maybe even let Yuno/Mikoto convince them to join. You can do anything as long as you think it'll fit, they're all just a little silly (minus the fact they're in prison lol).
With all that said, take your time and no rush! I can always wait. Thanks a lot! ...now back to rereading my previous request for the nth time,, i love it so much,, thankyouagain
Ah thank you so much, that means so much!! I'm so glad you liked it, that one was really nice to write :'D And yesss thank you for the request -- this was such a blast to do as well! (though I also made myself emotional over Es' lost childhood, that was less fun ;___;) I debated on several activities within the prison but thought this was plausible and fun for some mid-T1 shenanigans
Es had a job to do. They had many eyes watching them. They had several lives in their hands. They had heavy responsibilities. They didn’t have time for something as silly as ‘video game night’, regardless of the laughter that bubbled up from the common room as they passed by. They were not way tempted to join, regardless of how much fun the group seemed to be having when they peered their head in.
Fuuta had whined that Es had replaced all his requests with completely outdated consoles and games, confirming they had been successful in choosing things without any access to the internet or outside world. Plus, they thought, this gave the older prisoners a fighting chance with some of the games.
Not that they cared whether or not the prisoners had a good time. That wasn’t any concern of theirs. Even in these long periods of rest between their more eventful duties, they must remain focused.
The laughter crescendoed into delighted screaming.
Es figured one more look inside wouldn’t hurt. They were supposed to be keeping an eye on everyone, after all.
The prisoners had gathered various chairs and bedding material, creating makeshift couches. Some piled onto the new seating, some splayed out on the ground, others stood in excitement. The television was so small, the two players needed to lean all the way forward to see.
Mahiru bounced in her seat as Yuno whipped around her remote. Fuuta was demanding Kazui play better, gesturing wildly at the screen. Shidou chucked to himself as the others grew more intense. Haruka kept asking questions about the game, receiving an answer only about half the time.
As the match got closer, Yuno leapt to her feet. She tried to shimmy in front of Kazui and block his view. He stood to prod her out of the way. Muu called foul play, though she said it with a thrill rather than accusation. Fuuta repeated it -- with quite a lot of accusation -- and tried to push Yuno out of the way. Mikoto tried to hold him back, voicing his support of Yuno’s methods.
The others got caught up in the yelling. Amane’s eyes were wide in anticipation. Kotoko pumped her fist as the battle got even closer. The room erupted in movement and shoving and tripping and remote pulling -- until they yanked the tiny television forward.
The thick cord came free, and the screen went black just before a winner was announced. Ten voices chorused their outrage.
Es shook their head. “Idiots. They are all idiots.”
They turned away as the prisoners hurried to set everything up again. They were just about to turn the corner into the panopticon when Yuno’s voice called from behind.
“Hey!” She ran up, taking advantage of their brief pause. “I saw you passing by. Why don’t you come join us?”
Not for the first time, Es wished they had enough height to look down on all the prisoners. “I’m your warden. I’m not some child here to play games with you all.”
She pursed her lips. “I’m not a kid either. But I’m still down for a night to unwind.”
“You’re lucky to have the luxury to relax. I, on the other hand, am busy right now.”
Yuno made a show of looking left, then right, across the empty hallway. “And what exactly are you doing right now?”
“I’m working.”
She frowned. “Uh-huh…”
“I am!” They fumbled for more, coming up blank. They should have known the moment she came skipping over to them that it would be impossible to fool her. There was no need for this routine check of the prison; everyone was gathered in the common room except them. Yuno had known this before uttering a single word.
Her hands fluttered in a dismissive gesture. “Too much work is never good for you. It doesn’t matter how mature you are -- if you get too caught up in your job it’ll drive you to some crazy things.” She smirked. “Just look at Shidou. Or Mikoto!”
“I could look at you…”
Though surprise flickered across her face, she kept grinning. “Exactly! So let’s get you in here.” She tugged on their arm. Prisoners couldn’t physically move Es against their will.
They huffed as they found themselves inching closer and closer to the entryway.
“I suppose I can come and watch,” they muttered, “and still keep an eye on you all.”
“No! No more working!” She managed to get them into the room. “Here, you can take my spot in the next round.”
Kazui looked over. “Who said you were getting the next spot?”
“Oh come on, I was clearly going to win that one.”
“Clearly? I'm pretty sure was seconds away from beating you.”
“Well then, I guess Es can take your spot.”
“Es is playing?” Haruka looked up excitedly.
“I haven’t agreed to anything yet.”
It was as if they hadn’t said anything at all. The others launched into a discussion of who would give their remote to Es? Who would they’d face off against? Were they resetting the bracket they’d begun? Which game would they return to? The ten argued in circles for a while. For a group of murderers, they were insistent on a fair tournament. After breaking up some bickering that could have become physical, Es once again wondered how they ended up watching over a mess like this.
At length the game was chosen, and a rematch was slated for Yuno and Kazui later in the night. To save themself time and sanity, Es went ahead and picked their opponent.
“I’ll play Fuuta.”
He had been the obvious choice: he could supply enough chatter for the both of them, so Es could remain silent. Also, he was guaranteed to win and free them from an obligation to play more than one round. They flashed a look at some of the more observant prisoners, hoping they didn’t tip them off.
However, no one was really watching them too keenly. Mahiru clapped in joy. Yuno beamed. Mikoto shoved a remote into their hands. Haruka started rapidly explaining the rules to them. Shidou directed Es to their seat in the center. Kotoko gave them an encouraging nod. As expected, Fuuta was already deep into trash talk as he sat next to them.
They really were simple-minded people, more focused on this silly game than the fact their warden had just sat amongst them. It was dangerous to let one’s guard down in a place like this, Es reminded themself.
With a little jingle, the match began.
Their fingers flew across the controls. Though they had a rocky start, some sort of muscle memory kicked in. Surely this game had come out before they were born, and there was no way they’d played it regularly. None of that mattered much. Their little avatar was obviously gaining the lead.
Their eyes stayed fixed on the screen as they received slaps on the back and nudges. Their guard's cap was knocked off in the shuffling, but they couldn't risk picking it up. Voices called all around them.
“Aw, don’t just let the kid win!” Mikoto said.
“I’m not!” Fuuta was desperate. “They fucking tricked me! They’re a pro!”
Es felt energy run through their entire body. Their original plan already slipping away, they wondered if they could actually beat Fuuta. It would be fun to see… They leaned forward, holding their breath. The audience continued cheering the pair on. Once again, the room was swept up in shouts.
The match ended. A little banner flashed across the screen to name Es victorious. They jumped up, a small whoop escaping them.
They would’ve melted in shame right then and there, if the sound weren’t already drowned out by the surrounding chaos. The others laughed and shook Es in amazement. Fuuta let out a string of colorful language.
“That was incredible!”
“Holy shit!”
“How’d you do that?”
Es placed the cap back on their head, pulling it over their eyes. “I don’t know. And it doesn’t matter. I’m done for the night.” They tried to pass off the remote, but Mikoto pushed it back into their hands.
“Nuh-uh. I want to see this for myself.” He grabbed the other one from a dejected Fuuta. “Same game. Same characters. Lemme see what you’ve got.”
Es wasn’t meant to play one round, much less get caught up in their ridiculous tournament.
Don’t be an idiot, they told themself.
“Bring it on,” they told Mikoto.
#milgram#es#yuno kashiki#fuuta kajiyama#mikoto kayano#and everyone else#i always worry it gets too busy with too many characters but i think this works 👍#thank you for all your kind words!!! i feel like a broken record but it really means so much to me --#im so happy youre enjoying these as much as i am >:3#my next one is going to be a bit more serious but it was really fun doing these lighter ones :')#they deserve a night of relaxation and fun! im absolutely obsessed with es' insistence on their duty and solemn attitude#because theyre just a kid! they need a break! theyd get excited and competitive just like anyone else! they should be allowed to!#UGH#i think es and amane are a bit too similar with their struggles with age and being controlled by adults where its harder to get along#but yuno also understands what its like to want to be seen as a responsible mature person despite a younger age#and shed know how best to say things lightly but still meaningfully <3#yeah i thought about them doing sports or cooking or karaoke but this worked the best#haruka and amane dont have much experience with video games but i think theyd catch on quick#shidou has a lot of fun but he sucks ass LMAO#mahiru also isnt great but even if she was doing good shed let everyone else win to make sure their spirits stay up#im a sucker for writing where a character says something over and over and you just know theyre trying to convince themselves 😂#someone tell me to stop rambling in the tags and just make a new post for gods sake asdfsdfds#i hope you enjoy!#im late by now but woo happy getting your account set up 👏 welcome to the hellsite...#drabbles
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man, you ever realize you needed to correct a small character detail to make it more accurate and then it peeves you off a lil 💀💀💀
#specifically I just swapped around the eye colors for my splatoon agent 4's heterochromia because APPARENTLY#red is pretty dark when grayscaled . and the reason i wanted to grayscale it in the first place was for whenever#i do a colorless doodle of them (grayscale values are fun)- but now 'm teased over the bday art i made of him cuz its inaccurate#ngl been beefin with his eyecolor a while but 'm just gonna try to stick with what i got- cant go changin it all willy nilly cuz it'll also#affect his brothers' appearances . i think a red and gray eye tho is a nifty color combo but then that makes me beef with hair design .#still not sure how im really gonna go about coloring splatoon OCs' hair cuz i like colored tips but also i tend to like#making it game accurate?? i think i just need to suck it up and do what i want forever (do colored tips even if theyre a lil harder)#i mention colored tips cuz originally they were a light blue . but i dont want TOO many different colors (i already have#yellow/red/gray on him so blue might be much) :( and like I could maybe just change the gray eye to blue but then???#it'll make his brother have the wrong eye color in the trans roblox drawing :( plus theres kind of a reason i made an eye red and the other#something plain (the contrast in colored appearance wise . plus my agent 4 is hella self conscious abt his looks) so its not#like i can really change it . augh im at a loss on what to do !! mm might just make it so that the colored tips go darker#rather than colored. HC that not all cephalopods have colored tips but rather it just fades darker and vice versa??#hhh the misery of character design sometimes#ash chats
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...
#it's an old frustration. an old pattern of thought.#i just feel that i have a brain that doesn't hold information. that lacks the discipline to gain knowledge. that is incapable of deeper#thought. and i cant teel you how maddening that is. to sit in a room and listen to other people discuss a paper you read in depth 5 times#like it's the 1st time you ever heard anything about it. how is that possible? how do i work with that? i read and nothing sticks.#nothing stays with me. how??? i was talking to a prof recently who ive heard is hard on her students with disability accommodation. and she#was saying how she doesnt see these things as a disability. how we're just different not disabled. ive heard the phrase differently abled#a lot of times. and i get what she's saying. i do. ad i get why she's hard on them. she wants to push them. but there comes a point where#you are quote unquote differently abled and you run into a wall that other people dont have. then what are you supposed to do? work harder?#but what if that doesn't help? what if that just compounds the hurt that's always been there? what if that leaches away all the wonder? what#then? at what point does a thing become too much of a barrier? i think there's a reason i dont run into many other dyslexic grad student.#everyone has adhd. it's a place where those with adhd prosper. but dyslexia not so much. at least not with the level of hanicap i have#and everyone's really nice. they want to help. but there's nothing anyone can do for me at this stage. it's up to me to compensate for my#leaky head. and i kno im not stupid. ive got a piece of paper stating my iq is above average after correcting for uneven intelligence. but#i dont feel very smart most of the time. i feel more like my uncorrected iq score that comes out at just below average even with me trying#my very best. iq is bullshit but there's something to be said for that gap. im smart if unconstrained by language and time. but were bound#by language and we're bound by time so what am i supposed to do? is there anything i can do? im stuck with this forever. theres no getting#better or making it easier. my brain is wired in a way that gives me the reading skills of a child. forever. and i just have to accept that#and im trying to swallow around that idea easier because the only other option is to choke on it. but maybe i chose the wrong career path.#one of my lab mates said she wants challenges all the time and ive chosen a path that's challenges all the time but im jsut trying to do#what everyone else can without a second thought. it's deeply demoralizing. yet here i am. trying to be easier abt it.#maybe im just nit cut out for this. doing a job im not built for.#unrelated
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It's a small world
A fic about various things I wanted to write about instead of rambling about them; focuses on Manta and Hannah. The whole thing is under the cut.
Manta didn’t expect his and Hannah’s connection to fizzle out the way it did.
Not that he was expecting anything specific; She wasn’t someone he would really consider a friend. At the same time, though, he couldn’t deny that they weren’t exactly strangers, either. They hung out sometimes, she tried to help him during his illegal race against Corto, and they bonded over how great they thought Teach tech was – something that left a bitter taste in his mouth now.
He would have expected some kind of a lukewarm goodbye, or an awkward wave as they stepped onto the boats meant to take them to their homes. But as the boat steering towards the Solar Sea took off, there was no exchange between them - in fact, he wasn’t even anywhere nearby, instead preparing for his and Shino’s attempt at getting a better life for themselves.
He did think then if he should have approached her outburst the day before the way he did. Back then, he didn’t see it as anything more than a show of weakness; she wouldn’t have lasted a day in what he had to live through on Polaris. Why should she get sympathy for being a double-crosser? For only feeling bad now that it was too late anyway, now that Gavinda’s plan was in full swing?
But it wasn’t too late. Not to her and the Tikis, anyway. And she did her part in fighting against Teach…
Unlike him, at first.
No, Hannah wasn’t weak. After everything, Manta could tell that much.
Maybe he shouldn’t have underestimated how cruel Teach could have been to her. Maybe that shouldn’t have been his last words to her.
“Oh well. Too bad”, he thought, going back to packing his stuff. What’s done is done.
He hasn’t really thought about this, or anything related to the Mirages, for the next few months. He had more important things on his mind - building a new life from scratch with Shino (and Debbie) on an entirely new island was challenging enough to take away any time he could have had for reminiscing about his old acquaintances from the Whale Cup.
They weren’t on his mind these few months later, as he was walking through one of the lesser known alleys of Tortuga to his boat, either - at least not until he saw a familiar looking silhouette walking through one of the streets he’d usually pass.
“Hannah?” He called out instinctively, more out of surprise than anything else.
“Oh– hi, Manta.” She replied, turning around to face him. “Been a while, huh?”
“Yeah, but– What are you doing here?”
“On Tortuga? I came for the Rotor Punch, obviously.” She shrugged. “But, I wanted to see how you’re doing with my own two eyes while I’m here, too.”
“You heard of me?” He asked, squinting his eyes.
“Duh. It’d be harder to not hear of the famous White Tiger, honestly.” She said, leaning on the wall next to her. “You’re taking Aquagram by storm– You know that, right?”
He shrugged and made an indecipherable hum. Debbie did tell him that he was getting more popular day by day, but he never really got interested in how popular he was outside of Tortuga, exactly. His winning streak mattered to him more than whatever she was doing over on her hologlove.
“Wait, but– Rotor Punch? You’re competing?”
“What, you think I can’t handle it?”
“It’s just– I didn’t know if you’d still be racing after… Everything.”
Hannah frowned for a short second, but quickly smirked instead.
“It takes more than that to make me quit, you know. I managed to get into Solar Empire’s drone guard.”
She crossed her arms, still leaning on the wall.
“So, I’m the one representing the Empire this year.”
“Oh, wow. You got yourself a solid position, huh?” He said, walking over and sitting down on the stairs next to her. “How’d you even do that?”
“Eh, turns out getting to the finals of the Whale Cup was good enough of an achievement to sign up. Only had to climb a few ranks after that.”
“Pshf, sounds easy.” He teased. She only hummed in response.
“What about Adam? Is he participating with you?”
A slight grimace showed up on Hannah’s face. Manta wasn’t sure how to decipher what emotion it was supposed to show.
“...No, he’s not. He hasn’t reached out to me after Teach’s defeat.”
“Oh.” Manta said. “...Sorry.”
“It’s fine.” Hannah sighed, sitting next to him on the stairs.
“...I haven’t tried to reach him, either. At first I thought I should, since Teach manipulated him, too, but… He was always more invested in her plans than I was. It seems like we both picked our sides.”
“...I see.”
“Yeah.”
A moment of silence fell upon them.
“And you’re…not worried?”
Hannah glared at him for a few seconds before deciding on an answer.
“I… don’t know. I have mixed feelings about it all.” She stated, resting her chin on her hand.
“Teach was cruel to him, too. She’s not going to suddenly do a 180. But, if that was his choice, then–”
She suddenly waved with the same hand in the air, leaning back.
“--so be it! I’m not going to chase after someone who made up their mind!”
She let out something between a groan and a sigh, hiding her face with her hands for a moment.
“...What’s it to you, anyway? I didn’t take you for the type to talk about this kinda stuff.”
Manta shrugged, looking somewhere else.
“You were the one who said it’s been a while.”
“Heh– yeah, that’s true.” She chuckled. “I guess it did a number on you.”
“Hmm.”
They sat for a moment in silence before Hannah stood up from the stairs.
“...Well, I should go. I take it you’re taking part in the Rotor Punch too, right?”
“Of course. Who do you take me for?”
“Yeah, thought so.” She smirked again, turning back to go about her way.
“I’ll see you around, then. Just don’t expect me to go easy on you.”
“Psh, as if I’d need that. But yeah. See you around.” He replied, also getting up from the sidewalk.
As he got back to walking to his boat, he felt a sense of a relief he didn’t expect.
Turns out, he was sorta glad to see her again.
#i dont really know why anyone would do this but just to be sure?? don't tag as ship? like any relation mentioned in this#droners#droners hannah#droners manta#droners season 2#droners fanfic#i mentioned in the tags of that adam ramble that i was thinking of hannah's POV too but wanted to write it. well. heh#its done finally#at first i was kind of surprised to see that she didn't even mention him but as i thought about it it did make sense#we don't really know much abt what they went through long-term together but afawk hannah has no idea abt what happened in the titan#meaning she doesnt even know adam was taken by teach against his will#from her POV he might as well be staying on her side willingly. and maybe she is upset about it#but unless he's mentioned by someone else she's moving forward & not thinking about him#which honestly good for her that she's not letting this bring her down#there is also the fact that its been a few months#even if this 'moving forward' would be harder at first she had time to get used to it#so. yea#still hoping that they'll adress it in the show#but i don't really feel her not acknowledging all this as OOC
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I'm still grieving the dreams I lost due to my disability and I just added another one
#ones id already lost: wanting to hold any job at all. wanting to be a doctor. wanting to be a gymnast. wanting to play bass#wanting to be a therapist (maybe still possible? this is due to my inability to hold any job but im still hopeful i may be able to do this)#i wanted to go to school... i can still learn things of course but its harder and there's no community#i wanted to learn everything. everything about plants and animals and quantum mechanics and languages#everything about history and culture and sciences. but i can't. i mean that was never a realistic goal of course#but I cant get as close to it now as i wouldve if i was healthy#the one i recently added is discovering my fingers have deteriorated so much that playing keyboard is nearly impossible#thats been a lifelong dream of mine... even drawing hurts unless i draw with my finger. i cant hold a pencil without pain#like im figuring things out. working through accommodations and making new goals#but that grief is still there and the wound is still fresh and sometimes it just feels like its growing and it will never stop#i need too much that i cant have. I have so few options#i really dont know what kind of future there is for me if my pain and disability is already this bad in my 20s
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i hate that i've been complaining about everything in my life lately but if you're a frequent reader of my personal posts (side note, if you are: why. also i'm sorry) but if you remember earlier this week on tuesday i slipped outside and hurt my knee. i didn't end up seeing a doctor about that bc they literally had no openings when i talked to the secretary she was like i am so sorry sweetie. we can't take you for the rest of the week and i was like oh. and after a couple days it didn't hurt sooooo much although i think the limp ive been walking w has not been doing me any favors. but now today especially (? for some reason) BOTH of my legs were really hurting. i'm wondering if that might somehow be related to me getting my period today bc sometimes. you know how period pain can just end up wherever it wants. but then around 8 o'clock today i stubbed the SHIT out of one of my toes and i think i might have injured it (? i dont think it's broken but i cant stand on it and it's been hours). this is my left foot and the knee i hurt on tuesday was on my right leg. i am literally limping on both sides of my body now and i cant stand or walk.
#shout out to me being irritable with my family. sowwyyyyyy#EVERYTHING HURTS WHEN I TRY TO MOVE FROM PLACE TO PLACE#i dont know if i can handle seeing people tomorrow and it's Literally Christmas#i told kaily i wanted her to carry me to my bed earlier like im a little kid who fell asleep in the car and she said no :(#sisters are USELESS#tales from diana#menstruation cw#injury cw#maybe i shouldve gone to urgent care or the er about my knee earlier this week#i was starting to think i didnt seriously injure it but now im having doubts? or maybe i walked on it too much yesterday#i really was doing WAY too much walking yesterday but i kinda couldnt help it#my adhd body Wants To Move all the time even when i know i should be taking it easy#thats always been a problem w me whenever ive needed to limit my exertion. i just want to wander and fidget#i have a hard time staying still it makes me feel insanely unhappy#theres no better way to describe it#but i cant. move. now. sooooo#i dont know if i mightve broken my toe or not but its kinda swollen#how common is it to break a toe really? theyve got. theyve got a lot of little tiny bones#i dont know id think its more common to break a toe if you crushed it under something#i stubbed it. REALLY hard. like harder than even a normal really bad toe-stubbing.#i dont know. i dont know. i dont know.#can i have a wheelchair for christmas just for like a week at least#and get someone to carry me up and down the stairs?
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debating cutting all my hair off again 😒...
#personal#it too sooooo longggg to grow out but now im like. its just kind of inconvenient?#it gets in my face all the time and i use so much shampoo/conditioner and it gets greasy way faster and its harder to style...#but like. at this point if i cut it all off i dont think im ever gonna grow it out again? so i gotta like make it last i guess#i really wanted to have long hair again but now im just remembering why i got rid of it in the first place 😭#maybe i just need a haircut or something idk. like layers or bangs or some crap#idk. im trying to balance out the desire for easier styling vs the inevitable regret i'll feel for cutting it 🙃#AND LIKE. it looks so cute! but only the day i shower after it dries. if i sleep it just looks terrible 😭#idk how to fix it without showering again 🥲 but the mohawk was so easy...#i wish real life was like a video game where u could style your hair long or short whenever u wanted 😭😭😭
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🌷
#i cant believe i could've almost been his girlfriend!!!!#im sad that he never asked me and never waited ....#because i know me and im dependable and devoted#i go all in if i love#but instead he .. fell in love fast and quick and i get it. i get why he fell for her i really do so i dont blame him#but... they only lasted a month then they broke up#she left. and i get that she and i are different people#but i cannot fathom how you can have HIM and leave him#i cant even imagine my life without him. he is genuinely all i think about#and she left.... !!!!! i cant understand that (from my pov. she is her own person i know)#i just wish he'd stuck it out and given me a chance (bc he did feel those things for me he said that)#i know the heart want what it wants but oh how i wish#i would've been with him until now. i would've never have left him#i wish i wish he didnt do that bc now he's even more heartbroken and i know it'll just be harder for me to maybe prove myself to him#(btw this sounds super selfish but this is only me venting my feelings!!!)#im still here for him. i've never left. i've been so so patient. isnt that worth anything?#most of the time it feels like he doesnt even appreciate me :( at all#i just cannot believe that HE once upon a time wanted ME to be his gf#if things just had gone a bit differently i would've been so lucky to call myself his#and him mine... that's so crazy to me#that's my dream...#i dont wanna give up on him bc i love him sm i cant imagine any other way my life can go#but.... i cant push if he isnt even replying... i cant bother him too much#then im just crazy#and my anxities arent even letting me message him at all#bc even if i asked if it's ok and he said im not bothering him#im convinced i am. i mean it really seems and feels like i am doing that#so i just cannot even message him..... which makes my life so empty i wanna cry#sometimes i wish i'd never met him bc my love for him has ruined my life now that i cant have him
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Being multigender really is just struggling to not let people pick one of your genders over another yknow
#like i gotta prove that im a man with all my might because nobody irl thinks im one#but if i insist too much then they forget im also a woman#and being both a gnc woman and gender conforming man makes it really difficult#because one theres always gonna be things about me people will consider inherently feminine no matter what#my figure. my voice. etc#so at best theyll consider me andorgynous or a feminine man whos also a woman#its complicated. i dont get much dysphoria but most of what i do get is social#and just. frustration that so few people will actually see me the way i want to be seen#like im nonbinary yes but i dont go by they/them and both binary genders equally apply to me#yes im a man and yes im a woman no i dont fluctuate between them im both 100% of the time#yes i consider myself masculine and no i do not relate to femininity#no i dont want to quote on quote try harder to be masculine. i just am i like how i look and i feel masculine and thats good enough#i have adhd and doing the bare minimum to manage my health each day is hard enough#do i look like i want to do anything else#idk why i went on a ramble but anyway. wish i could magically make people see me and my gender the way i want to be seen
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