#i dont really talk about it
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CW: Abusive parents, advanced illness, and near child death.
I took a poll recently that harmlessly asked how many treatable- and even preventable- illnesses I've had. Thankfully, not all of them thanks to my biological mother who cared enough to vaccinate me. She was also the one who paid for my medical insurance.
Now, my mom has her own host of negligent problems with me, but I'm here to talk about my biological father and stepmother.
When I was a teenager- don't remember what age because much of that time period is fuzzy- I got sick. Really sick. It was just strep throat, and we all knew it. My dad knew, my stepmom knew, all of my stepbrothers and me too. They quarantined me away and that was it. No doctors visit.
Now, theoretically, strep throat can heal on its own, but mine didn't. I was grossly ill for over a week. Vomiting, poor eating, loss of voice, dizziness, fever, chills, and eventually a full body rash. Which some may know means I had advanced into developing scarlet fever.
My condition deteriorated with zero sign of improvement. Near the 2nd week mark, I was completely bedbound and, from what I can remember, unable to speak and could barely breath.
And this is where I want to stress- I had medical insurance.
My mother paid for it. Not my father or stepmother had not put a single dime into this responsibility, and yet they seemingly were unwilling to find me medical care. When I moved away with my dad into a different state, he never sought a primary care physician for me. Therefore, when I did get sick, he didn't have a fast means for me to see a doctor. Or maybe he did and I'm- to this day- wishfully thinking he had his hands tied and wasn't just... leaving me like this out of neglect.
But it was neglect. I didn't have a family doctor and they made no obvious attempt to help me. Not until they were finally convinced that this was going to kill me.
They eventually gave in and brought me to urgent care. The whole thing is a blur to me, but I do recall the nurse being astounded and the doctor being angry. I remember he lectured my parents about how this was completely preventable and I was far too sick for this to be acceptable. Turns out, I was in the early stages of developing rheumatic fever, which is basically an auto-immune response to untreated strep infections. When rheumatic fever is left untreated, it leads to childhood congestive heart failure and death.
The doctor prescribed me antibiotics and sent me home. The pills were less than $20.
To this day, I think about that cost. I think about how my dad and stepmom never got me a family doctor and never tried to seek care for me until I was quite literally on my death bed. They even had the fucking nerve to complain about how expensive the urgent care visit was. A visit that was completely caused by their own negligence.
They don't pay for my medical insurance, my mom does, and they still wouldn't put forth the small co-pays to give me adequate care.
The pills that saved my life costed $20, and my life was barely worth that to them.
#idk what the point of this post is#venting i suppose#i dont really talk about it#and hell i was still lucky cuz not all kids even have insurance#i sometimes wonder if they only brought me to UC bcuz they were afraid of me dying#and well its hard to explain why your kid died from a treatable disease#anyways#ty for reading#ive got no greater message besides “yea this happened to me and thats fucked up”#strep throat#near child death#tw abuse#tw parental abuse#tw childhood trauma
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do you ever see a person and you are overcome with incredible fondness? and you just think "oh." but not in a romantic or sexual way you are just filled with warmth and it makes you happy, it just does. and you think "i'm so happy you exist. i'm happy you are somewhere out there in the world, doing your thing". it's love but also not entirely
like people are lovely and i feel it in my entire chest like a burning candle that smells like roses and a sunny day
#on love#aroace experiences#aroace#aromantic#asexual#aspec#aroacespec#sunbloom talks#<3#just late night revelations#i like love and i love people :)#edit: loveless aros friendly btw#i think that's what i meant when i said love but not really all those months ago#“incredible fondness” is the phrase i really like instead of love#people need to stop coming onto this post being like “nO!! this IS love!!!” shut up you dont know me. maybe it is maybe its not#this was about personal experiences and it blew up somehow unfortunately lol
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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail''#ah tumblr...#writeblr#warm up#idk . having trouble writing rn#ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum#i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for#i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" .....#no.... not really.....#idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography#like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days#furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing...#this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey.#idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me.#i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will#actually ever happen#ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum
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calling my lover "mine" but not in the way that my toothbrush or notebook are mine, mine in the way my neighborhood is mine, and also everybody else's, "mine" like mine to tend to, mine to care for, mine to love. "mine" not like possession but devotion.
#nonbinary love#nblnb yearning#nb4nb#nblnb#wholesomeposting#yearning hours#ive been thinking about how some languages dont have a possessive tense#so you dont say “i have a thing” but rather “a thing is by me”#and like im not usually one for psycho linguistics and like critical thoughts etc etc etc#but i really like the framework of responsibility/commitment rather than ownership#i think about this mostly in terms of ecology#and relation to land#but i also love it as it applies to language shared between lovers#like i LOVE calling them mine or for them to call me theirs#but i'm also nonmonog and that was kinda weird to square for a while#and it clicked one time when i was talking about my neighborhood and i was like well#when i say my neighborhood or my city it's understood i'm not taking it away from anybody else#its understood i just mean the city where i live#so why cant we apply the same to lovers?#mine in the way i want to show up for you again and again#ok#done now
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Hi, feel free to take my new uquiz to discover what kind of vampire you are!
#NO IM NOT TALKING ABOUT CHESS THE MUSICAL I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT IS. I AM TALKING ABOUT THE ANCIENT BOARD GAME:CHESS#uquiz#vampires#twilight#because let's be honest there are a fair few references#and maybe this is my twilight quiz which has been in my drafts for nearly a year!#and i was tired of it sitting there#maybe!#quiz#werewolves#mention#you can get human in this im really sorry#it's a bit of a mean result#oh if anyone has an actual picture of the vampire that killed dean winchester please send it along#i could not find it with a cursory google search but i rememeber he wore a clown mask#so maybe one of those guys is the guy?
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if we could stay connected, just like this
#ok last orbit niigo post im emubrained again and also i miss leoneed#project sekai#pjsk#prsk#mizuki5 spoilers#proseka#mizuki akiyama#mizu5#nightcord at 25:00#hurray !#meltdown released an amazing translation of the event so i read it and had my final cathartic transgender cry about it#and now i have ~4 assignments due on friday so i have to stop drawing mizuki. sad.#i recommend everyone watch meltdown's translation#please. its very good and better than the mtls floating around#i Get why people wanted to see it translated asap like i Get it i didnt understand half of the wordplay or kanji but like . wah#its so crazy how this event breached containment n how many people are rooting for mizuki even tho they dont play the game so i just#think its a shame that the translation everyones reading isnt really accurate/lacks the nuances.. Ok sorrynits a good event.#ive just been thinking abiut that for a few days and i love talking in tags. Adios#real Orbit heads will know this is an Heartorbit reference (that tarot card sketch i did almost 2 years ago and said i would finish)#(i havent finished shit)
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As much as I love angst I think it would be funny if he just didnt give af
#Hazel you cant just ask people if they have a dead mom#fairly oddparents#fop a new wish#fop#fairly oddparents a new wish#headcanon#fop hazel#hazel wells#fop dev#dev dimmadome#I think he has mildly positive associations with it tbh#He asked where babies came from and his dad actually took him aside and explained how he was super special and important#and better than everyone else because he was a clone and talked him through the whole cloning process very excitedly#(Dev did not understand a word of it but it was probably the most positive interaction he'd ever had with his dad)#later Dev came back and asked where normal kids come from and he got uncomfy and made an Au-Pair explain#other than that Dev has basically no thoughts on being a clone its just a fact to him.#Actually thinking about it now that could be a really dark explanation for why his real name is Development#I mean you dont just get cloning right on the first try#and nobody wants to name and get attached something that might just fall over dead any minute#HAHA anway angst over teehee :3#fop nature au#<-for organization since this HC applies to it too
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(click for higher quality!) draconified link concept ive been chipping away at this past week ..... here's my funny little compendium concept for him:
"A heroic spirit has taken the form of this bestial dragon. Unlike it's kin, this creature exhibits an extremely aggressive disposition. It appears highly territorial, and will relentlessly chase down those who disturb its skywide patrols - of which it seems to be endlessly searching for either a long-time vassal or foe. Unfortunately, it seems the spirit within has long since forgotten exactly who it was looking for…"
#now. how on earth do i begin to tag this. um.#link#loz#totk#totk spoilers#light dragon#dragon link#loz au#totk roleswap au#there . i'll add more if they come to me LOL#um i can talk about some of my insps i guess?? might make another post too#so mostly i just dont really like turning him into 'light dragon but male' and giving him slightly darker colours or something like that#this also obviously isnt exactly like the botw dragons either though and its a bit more of a mix of other creature concepts i enjoy#since everyone agrees he'd have a farosh horn i wanted to make him a kirin/unicorn :) which is why his tail looks like that#aside from the obvious eastern dragon insps and what ive picked and chosen from the botw dragons#and obviously this looks a lot like wolf link. thats on purpose#i wanted to give him some fierce deity design refs too but because this is so dark/earthy they didnt look very fitting#but honestly you could do a whole fierce deity dragon design on its own i think#okay lots of tags but IVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS FOR A WHILE. okay. let me have this.#my art#dragon link au
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Happy 1 year anniversary to Mr Sherlock Holmes! Here's a litttleee celebratory comic from me
#sherlock & co#sherlock and co#writing these tags on the 29th of september#which is when john and sherlock ACTUALLY met <3#so there you go#uh once again shout out to candy for letting me talk through some of my processes#it helps immensely and i really wanted to be sure i was getting across what i wanted to with this one#speaking of which - usually i yap a lot in the tags of these bcus i love talking about art#for this one...im not sure i want to comment too much#because i'll be here forever and i think most things can speak for themself#but let me say this one thing#for the first five pages i was drawing john on paper and sherlock on the computer exclusively#and then bringing them together..#uh it really made me think of paul and harry. recording on opposite sides of the world. brought together by the power of editing#its not a particularly emotional scene but i hope ive infused it with. something.#anyway thats it from me#if u want to ask about any particular aspect i would love to yap about the process but i'll just leave it here for now or i'll never shut u#happy 1 year podpals#patsart#oh yeah i will say i did have to take quite a bit of liberty with the audio in order to do what i wanted. forgive me#or dont idc
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i love the DLC man
#elden ring#miquella the unalloyed#promised consort radahn#I’ve been thinking about how despite all the talk of age of compassion… Miquella’s first spell as a god is an offensive incantation#with a wide af damage radius 💀💀💀#meanwhile Marika who built her age upon violence… her spells are all healing and defense buffs#and her first spell as a God is a little tree that heals a wide area#she was still trying to heal her ppl to the bitter end AND gunning for revenge. there’s a kind of heartbreaking honesty to it#the cruel irony in the DLC story is crazy#really show how badly Miq had strayed from his original path after forsaking Trina#then that meme pops in my head ajshsjhsjhs#now i do think the vow is two-way btw Radahn just got cold feet near the end#the only thing i dont like about the DLC is i cant draw jokes without explaining I LOVE THESE CHARACTERS i think their actions are valid !!#like having to pull up a whole lore presentation slide for this#yes i think it's funny as hell that Miq did show Radahn why he should not fuck around and find out
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which movies have you watched the most amount of times? they dont have to be your actual favorite movies, just the ones youve rewatched most. for example: mine are the final destination movies and scream
#mutuals especially i really want to know#a) because movie rec but b) because i feel like it says a lot about you as a person JSDHGFHJ#but fr i fuckign Love the final destination movies they are so much fun#and i used to play the first scream every time i cleaned my house lol i dont know why#txt#if no one reblogs this ill cry talk to me Boy
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It's funny how opinions can change over time for instance I used to want Bruce to be a good parent but then I realised how fucking boring that is to read at the end of the day comics are soap operas and I'm here for the drama
#dc#dc comics#batman#bruce wayne#character development <- for me not for bruce#give that bitch some regression#but yeah i think there is a fine line with bruce and his parenting#like imo he should be trying his best but failing spectacularly at it#all his actions should come from his own fucked up sense of duty#anyway i think ive mentioned this before#but someone just liked one of my really old posts#talking about good parent bruce and how hes important yada yada yada#and reading it made me go#i dont agree with this bitch she does not speak for me >:(#so setting the record straight#.... until i change my mind again lmao
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HAPPY (kinda late oops) BIRTHDAY MIWA!!!!!!!! ignore the other two LOOK AT HER!!!! IT’S MIRABELLE MSUNDAY!!!!
greyscale versions + my very normal color ramblings below!
ok full disclosure i already had this post drafted before realizing that mira’s birthday was coming up. i kinda debated just posting the mira doodles on their own but!!! i want to talk about my craft/general color headcanons still. and the mira art is part of that!! so be warned. also, this is going to reference my post about my craft headcanons a lot so like. read that if you so desire.
i personally think that mira’s healing craft is some form of creative craft, since the game describes her holding her palms up when she uses it (iirc anyways). this doesn’t really have an effect on anything, but it’s why i decided to color it yellow!
(also i ended up making mira’s scissors craft a lot more orange than i initially planned but that’s ok!!! i think both of her crafts would be pretty Orange. just thought i’d mention that since it’s a bit different from my first post)
i already explained sif’s craft in my last post so now i get to talk about the change god!!!!!! this is like. probably the most out there in terms of my color headcanons? but i have a reason for that. since the change god is, well, a deity, i thought it would be fitting for their design to match the colors of the 3 craft types (red, blue, and yellow)! this was a little hard to work around given that i also try to give my vaugarde designs warmer color palettes, but i think it worked out!
i also gave them a few slightly different palettes, since i think it’ll make sense for the change god’s colors to be variable. they never look the same, so why would their palette look the same? + i’m indecisive and liked all of these palettes lol
sorry for the ramble! i really like talking about character design and i’m not. very succinct. thanks for reading all this (if you did, perfectly fine if you didn’t!), here’s the greyscale versions as promised!!!
#marshdoodles#isat#in stars and time#isat spoilers#HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIRABELLE!!! sorry for hijacking your birthday to ramble about colors 🩶#i usually reserve my character design infodumps for the tags but i REALLY wanted to talk about my change god design. sorry#dont mind the fact that the change god palette looks like mettaton#this isn’t the first time i’ve drawn the change god btw! i just. haven’t posted those#because they’re for isatscryption#also posting this at a different time than usual because i don’t want to actually miss her birthday lol#anyways again!!! sorry for the infodump!!!!
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to care for you i must take you apart
#pig does art#objectum#objectum art#os/or#this is the comic i was talking about btw :]#dont know if it counts as a comic but it's similar to one to me... i think the last panel is my favourite. i hope any of this makes sense#remember to zoom in to read and see more detail :]#objectoromantic#objectosexual#posic#<- ah it really is... the text is from the pov of the computer so i would hope this comes across
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Why do I keep seeing transmascs and trans men insisting or implying that all trans men are "female socialized," or "understand the female experience," or "navigated the world as a woman." Because yeah, sure, that can be true for some people. especially if you weren't gnc at all as a kid and didn't crack your egg until well into adulthood, it makes sense.
But they don't stop at saying they had that experience. It always comes with an addendum that trans men, as a group, all can relate to this experience. I don't know about the entirety of my demographic, but I never got even a little bit of what some of them talk about. I didn't even believe that women were scared of going out at night until I kept consistently seeing them say it, online or wherever, for years. I never realized catcalling was a thing until I saw some women complaining about it on reddit.
But they posit it as some sort of, you're safer than cis men, right? You know what it's like? Which, on top of being patently, demonstrably false in the case of myself and many other trans men, holds some unpleasant and often outright hostile implications about trans women. And they always deny it, but if you can't even conceptualize someone like me who grew up gnc, and never got the bulk (or any?) of whatever we consider to be 'female socialization,' what does that say about what you think trans girls went through, growing up? I don't want to speak for them, as I've never experienced that firsthand, but I can guarantee that (if you're even a little bit obviously trans) people don't treat you like a cis kid of the opposite gender. By and large, they don't get treated like cis boys.
It just makes me mad that we're taking this inaccurate framework that (ever so conveniently) puts trans people into the box of our assumed birth gender, and trying to fancy it up and use it with a faux-progressive veneer; never mind the way that transphobes use it to bar trans women from being athletes, or using the bathroom, or having access to any gendered resources they need. It would be bad enough to try and dust it off and use it even if it were largely accurate, due to the aforementioned connections to outright transphobia, but it literally is patently false. Not in all cases, obviously, but why are we trying to revamp this untrue, inaccurate generalization and pretend that we can make it 'trans-inclusive?'
#o.#trans#transphobia#transmisogyny#I may or may not be talking about a specific post I saw that made me irritated but I didnt wanna get in an argument with internet strangers#sorry guys I'm still heated over freaking collin allred capitulating to ted cruz and throwing trans girls under the bus bc he didnt have the#guts to stick to his morals#and called them ''this idiotic business with boys in girls sports'' or some crap#as if trans girls don't deserve to play the sports they love. like I imagine if they blocked trans men from being physicists or something#and I just wasn't able to pursue the career I want? that would destroy me#and I still had to vote for him because the other options were ted cruz and some freaking libertarian.#sorry thats all tangential but can we not use the same rhetoric that all these politicians do as an excuse to kick trans women out of public#life PLEASE 🙏#...also I really hate the Popular Transmasc Ideology that says that we all experience life as basically the same as a cis woman & never have#to navigate having male privilege & being an ally to women#and all have some sort of Innate Connection to femaleness or womanhood or whatever bc 'obviously' we all grew up just like girls do#ugh#this one's going out there sans editing so dont yell at me if I worded smth weird please 🙏
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this is how im coping
#the og photo of trump is so funny i cant#he looks so locked in#probably taking a shit or something#trying not to think about the results idk its really weighing on me#wof#wings of fire#glory wof#darkstalker#darkstalker wof#handsome wof#i love handsome ugh people dont talk ab him enough#wof art#rave art#election 2024
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