#i dont mean it as an 'i dont want to' i find myself literally incapable of doing it. please god

[end-orfino]

i just wish i could be stronger. i want to be more resilient. or just not weak. im at a loss i dont know how to do that i dont know how to even try

[archer3-13]

been passively watching the latest rick and morty season just to see what they do after s6 being a big cloud of nothing. overall s7 feels a lot more tightly paced and written overall, the meta commentary on story writing and production issues are majorly toned down so far, and the new voice actors are doing an admirable job.

but, like the past few seasons i cant really say im digging much of anything they're doing. and i think the latest evil morty prime rick episode highlighted why. i dont mind the evil morty backstory stuff or the prime rick stuff at the end but...

why a machine that kills all versions of a person across all realities? i can see its theoretical value as a means of adding "le stakes" to whatever comes next but at the same time i feel like it actually does more to devalue whats happened and will happen. ricks search for diane despite its self admitted cliched nature did have some poignant value because it was a man who had access to a theoretical infinite thread of replacement dianes to chose from refusing to do so because he valued his diane, irrationally, more.

throwing in a machine that killed all variations of diane across all the multiverses takes the wind out of that and somehow makes it more cliched, because then its not a case of ricks irrational attachment to a specific version of a specific person instead becoming a case of literally being incapable of accessing any variation of that person because they're all dead.

and in that same vein it ironically, considering how the episode ends, it adds more importance to his search for prime rick because the dude erased someone from all realities. it no longer remains a personal vendetta with disastrous collateral damage, prime rick is just another super villain thanos asshole in terms of the scale of his ambitions.

and its a bad habit of the show where it keeps wanting to have dramatic stakes and in order to get those stakes it keeps kneecapping its characters to get those stakes. meaning i find myself caring less and less for those stakes because its completely hobbled its characters!!

[nahalism]

did you ever need to take sth like antidepressants for anxiety or panick attacks? I recall you speakin about having dealth with them in the past & been wonderin if you ever tried medicating urself for it / would consider it if your nerves were getting too much 4 u at some point down the line or did you develop ur own way around those little&big pits of hell

xX

heyyyyy <3 (this will b long but this question deserves a thorough answer so hope thats ok)

ive been strongly encouraged to take various medications over the years, particularly for anxiety/mood stabilisation, and twoish weeks ago i ended up in hospital cause literally i lost my mind, and i felt so out of it that thats the first time i ever considered not just wanting, but needing medication in order to function. however, i didnt, cause i dont like making decisions in the moment (desperation leads to desperate decisions) and because before that experience and even during it, ive never felt convinced that medication was the solution to the problems i was facing. 1) due to the physical, mental and emotional side effects. & 2) because im not convinced the people prescribing the meds even know what is 'wrong' with me.— a lot of that has to do with the nhs being a mess, (its quicker to get meds than wait thru the referral time to get diagnosed & into therapy) but also, theres a lot of comorbidity in the diagnosis ive been given, so there are multiple things to treat & in their eye's medication gives a faster result than unpacking all of that individually. the recommendation was to put me on a cocktail of drugs that can fuck up my liver kidneys and endocrine system to 'see if it will work' .. :/.

the only thing that has ever worked for me is sitting with myself and my emotions, acknowledging them, doing things at my pace in my time, and structuring my life in a way that is tailored for me and my success rather than being successful in the world or in a socially accepted way. that means having a morning routine that caters to my mental emotional and physical health, (mindful practices, yoga, gardening, sound work etcetc), and finding ways to continue that throughout the day (working creatively and limiting my exposure to people or situations that are not for me/overstimulate me).

that being said, this routine (which is still being refined and altered) works pretty well for me, but comes with sacrifices and isnt fool proof. symptoms of my mental illness still persist & without being medicated people are less lenient when helping someone they feel isnt 'helping themselves', im also still working on how to be as sociable as id like to be, and often my spirals are triggered by the very system i have in place to help me. i often face feeling like a let down, like im lazy, like im a weirdo/recluse, like im incapable of being a normal person etc etc. for example, a lot of the friends i graduated with have experienced crazy growth in their careers and have a sense of social and financial security that i dont have because they can function year round, whereas i have months at a time where i dont feel myself and have to disappear in order to keep sanity and peace in my being, lol. that, and the fact that it takes me a lot of base maintenance and effort to function as a normal person makes me feel like shit if i let it, so i constantly have to remind myself on top of the work i do daily, that whilst there are things others have/experience, that i dont, the inverse is also true, and theres beauty to me being me in my way. and .. yeah 🤷🏽‍♀️. that part is hard. but its also worth it to me and has taught me a lot

all that being said, do your own research and decide what feels right and what is best for YOU. speak to your doctors, therapists, and friends who may be medicated, or look on forums online for perspectives from both sides. [*if anyone reading this has a helpful opinion 2 offer pls comment]. the feeling of helplessness when your in the throws of whatever mental illness you suffer from can be debilitating and if taking a pill everyday or when you need it can fix that, no ones opinion should sway you from doing what you need to do to function. some of my friends who are medicated swear by medication!! (particularly when it comes to adhd meds) cause not being able to process thoughts and function is horrible and ruins lives needlessly.

so yh.. i hope this helps. as long as you do whats best for you, i have no doubt you will find your way through this and that it will be worth it. above all, know that the power of your will, your mind, and your person, is what makes you special, and so even if it takes more for you to show up than it does others, that's absolutely fine. take your time with it, and know what nothing is wasted, because you have no idea the good that can come from working out the details. most of the advice i have to offer comes from making it thru an existential crisis or bout of depression. <3

blessings 2 u love

[thedevilandhisbride]

i keep finding things telling me how to stop being a narcissist. i dont want to stop being a narc. i shouldnt HAVE to stop being a narc. of course ill learn to not be so controlling, and ill understand that not everything can go my way, but i need help to do that.

besides that, im a narc because i have a personality disorder! telling me to stop 'making everything about myself' doesnt really stop me from being a narc. it makes me overly self aware of my words and makes me shelter myself off, which can be dangerous since "oh god, what if telling somebody im really sick or hurt makes them think im being a narcissist because im talking about myself?" ive literally already had those thoughts at a party where i needed to check my bloodsugar. to make sure i didnt dip low and risk hospitalization. im severely annoyed with all the articles telling me that i need to stop and watch myself and change everything about me because it makes other people feel bad. i know im making others feel bad!! its because i have issues and i feel bad too!! help me feel better about my disorder instead of demonizing me further!!! argghh!!! im not a bad person!! im not a demon because i have npd!! im a person!! help me realize i am a person too!! stop telling me to stop something i have no control over instead of helping me!! and why do all these articles think that narcs cant realize they have npd and want to get help and want to understand themselves better? im a narcissist. that doesnt mean i am incapable of wanting to change. i guess its because if a narc wants to change, its for selfish reasons, yeah? regardless if its for the better? maybe i do want to change for selfish reasons. i want more people to like me. i want to feel better about myself so i can keep people close to me who supply me. i want to make others feel better about themselves so they stay with me. im selfish. but being selfish doesnt mean i have to take others down to build myself up. i get supply from making others happy. i get overly excited from helping others. im allowed to be selfish in my own recovery. just because what i am doing is selfish doesnt mean it is inherently awful and cruel. stop demonizing people. ffs.

[szif]

it's kinda just like. i am genuinely not good at anything because i am physically and mentally incapable of learning things and remember them. any creative skill just flows out of me the moment i start doing things. and like, i've been thinking more and more about all of what i've been doing and it's not pretty. i am incapable of learning anything. i am incapable of mastering something to a point where i can say i know it and that i'm a beginner in it. i literally cant understand things. and like, okay, i'm not good at anything, sure, but that doesn't mean the end of the world. i exist as a person without doing anything, really. i still have a personality and i still interact with people and i exist. oh. that really was the breaking point for me right now. like right now lately i've just been going up to people and started talking to others and i've been nice to so many people and reached out to them (thank you if youve been a part of this and i strung you along it and now we're buddies, if it happened online) and i've been so happy by this, actually. i literally just approached people when we were doing some activity together and then we were on the "saying hello to each other" terms. and then sometimes i got those people come up to me and say hi to me and try to talk to me. establish connection. and like. okay i never had that. i never had friends and nobody really talked to me (as if i was incapable of talking to them back too.) and like. i dont know, it feels weird typing it down because then i am adsmitting something personal about me and i dont really want to do that because it feels. pathetic. and weird. and i quickly realized that like yes i connect to people and some people are so nice and they talk to me back but like. with what i am and how i am like i literally have no place anywhere. like i do not actually think i will find a place where somebody like me can be. not even meant to be there, but just can be there. it really feels like im tip-toeing everywhere i go and try to restrain myself from being too weird or whatever. and its like. fuck do i do about that. and how is it that ANYWHERE i go and no matter what i do nothing feels good. like i could talk to a thousand people and not even one person would actually be fine with me, i feel. i feel like i am simply having some self-esteem issues or whatever but the more i think about it its like. i dont know. it doesnt feel like it. but it might be. i dont know. i dont really want to call it that . but i literally dont know what to say when any person i talked to ever in my life doesnt care and i cant exactly feel like they care about me at all. its not even anything. i have been. i mean people talked to me. we. they care about me to some extent. and im happy about that. but then the gaping hole widens because i get sadder and sadder how i cant exactly CONNECT to them. like im just an entirely different breed of a thing and they cant have any of that. like, i am trying my absolute best here to do it. to talk and to connect. and to be. but then nothing really helps. and i guess from the outside it could just be seen that im lonely. sure. its just really fucking painful and i dont know what to do about it at all because its like. literally. what to do about this. what is wrong with me. why cant i be on the same level as anybody else. i genuinely feel like my parents dropped me on my head as a child and now i am incapable of performing anything the average person can and im expected to do all of that they can. i feel like im the lowest of the low and im simply hanging by a thread. and that once that thread snaps people will think of me the exact same way as the others who cannot do the same as them. and its fucking scary because i just know. i know how they treat anybody whos not like them. who cannot actually do anything. and its like. i dont want to be that vulnerable. i just want to achieve a sense of normalcy and not feel actively threatened by me... i dont know. what am i? i feel like i got some severe case of brain damage or something.

[soulyourselfkitten]

Marriage

I’m almost 28 and I am still unsure if I want marriage. My mom was 27 when she got married/was pregnant. My sister was 27 when she got married/pregnant. And here I am, not married and not pregnant. I was thinking about both of my grandmas the other day, on my mom side, when she was 27 she was having her fifth child and on my dad’s side, she was already raising four children. And here’s me. No kids. No marriage. Just a cat. I don’t even know if I do want marriage. Society says I should get married. That I should have children. BUT do I want that? As a child, I remember always playing bride and groom and playing with babies. I never thought about my own wedding. Well, maybe I did here and there, but not seriously. As i’ve gotten older, to me it feels like marriage is only a contract. It’s a legal document, binding you & your partner for legal reasons. And I’ve seen first-hand divorce. I’ve seen what divorce can do to a child. (me). I’ve also heard stories where the person is with their partner for 50 years & then it still doesn’t work out. For instance, my grandpa was married to my grandma for 50 years & she died and he went right into a relationship with Barb. How quickly someone can get over someone that they basically spent their whole life with, scares the shit out of me. How, one day they are the person of your dreams & years later you hate them & don’t want anything to do with them. Its because we are constantly evolving, constantly growing or staying stagnant. What worked once for you might not work for you anymore. Is a legal document binding you together worth it? Is it what I want? I’ve seen my friends get married & i feel so cynical about it because I think its a waste of time. Why cant you be with someone without marrying them? Why in society do we still feel like marriage is the right thing to do? Why do I still feel like I should be getting married? But why don’t I feel the desire to get married? But also why am i putting the pressure on myself to think about marriage and babies? I guess I see my friends settling down and im wondering “What about me?” Why not me? Why aren’t I getting married? Why haven't i found someone that wants to marry me? My last ex, literally told me he didn’t see himself marrying me. And now my current boyfriend, isn’t sure if I’m the one yet and wants to make sure before he does anything serious. What does that even mean? Am I incapable of love? Or do I keep getting into relationships with people that have commitment issues? Do i have a commitment issue? I dont even know if I even want to marry the guy I am currently seeing either. If we both don’t want to marry eachother then should we stay with eachother? I just don’t understand. I just feel like I’m the problem. There’s something about me that guys don’t want to seal the deal with. I know i’m worth more and I know there’s someone out there that knows I’m the one immediately. So do I stay with someone that is unsure of me or do I leave & find the one that instantly knows? And vice versa because I’m not even sure I want to be with him either. It’s so confusing. I don’t understand why we are both unsure. Is it because we both of commitment issues? Abandonment issues? Insecurity? We both rushed into this relationship quickly. 7 months of knowing eachother & we moved intogether. That’s fast without even knowing eachother. Maybe it was too fast. Maybe we werent supposed to be together this long & we were meant for just a season. I just want to put it into God’s hands & let it be wherever is meant to be. Now, how do I do that? 

[soupyspaghetti]

just venting again lmao ignore this

[pies-writes-and-more]

karasuno boys as things my bf (and past dudes) have done irl

characters: Azumane Asahi, Nishinoya Yū, Sawamura Daichi, Kageyama Tobio, Tanaka Ryūnosuke, Hinata Shōyō, Sugawara Kōshi, Ennoshita Chikara, Tsukishima Kei, & Yamaguchi Tadashi, all with a Fem!Reader

warnings: these were real events. not exaggerated. real things that happened to me lol they’re all mostly fluffy or just funny so no bad vibes here haha

a/n: i got this idea out of nowhere tonight and ive been feeling bad vibes so here’s me trying to make myself happy lol. very self indulgent im sorry haha but i hope you guys find it entertaining! also i’m sorry for not including Kinoshita or Narita - I really dont know much about them!! 

haikyuu masterlist

Asahi writes a goddamn essay about you for his english class. He wasn’t quite sure why he did but the prof asked him to write about how he used writing or poetry in his every day life and he thought about all the little notes he would write to you 

Noya will happily order food with you at any time. Especially when you’re hangry or just whining about how hungry you are. Did you say you wanted food and it’s 11PM? Well that convenience store is open so I guess we’re ordering. They don’t do orders? Okay well we’re walking now.

Daichi gets matching jean jackets with you. You got it first and found it in the mens section of a store but you loved it so much, you asked Daichi if he wanted one too. The look in your eyes was just too much so of course he had to say yes. Now Mom and Dad of the Karasuno Volleyball Team walks around in their jean jackets with all their kiddos in their team jackets.

Kageyama fell asleep while waiting for you to come home. You knew this was going to happen so you had begged him to give you the key to his apartment but nO the boy just insisted that he could totally stay up. He literally was texting you 5 minutes before you got there. And by the time you got to his door, he was passed the fuck out. You panicked for a solid 20 minutes outside of his door, calling him over and over again in hopes that it would wake him up, before he woke up and awkwardly answered the door. You were really upset about it but Kageyama tried to make it up to you for the rest of the week until you finally forgave him lol

Tanaka thinks you’re the prettiest person in the world. But you literally cannot ask him to take pictures of you because he takes horrible pictures. You’ve been trying to teach him about angles and how it’s not always about how many times you press the picture button. That he actually has to think before he takes the photo, not just take as many as he can.

Hinata wants to slow dance with you so badly but you are so incredibly awkward because slow dances seem like the perfect time for you to fall on your feet. But there’s a slow song playing and Hinata begs you to come dance with him and there’s just a moment where it actually was pretty nice. And then you remembered how nervous you were and thankfully the song ended but he liked it anyways and begs you to dance with him more often.

Sugawara cooks for you nonstop because you are a college student now and incapable of cooking for yourself. He tries all sorts of new recipes for you and you love him for always trying to make you food. He’s even brought you some in a tupperware when you were on campus studying and forgot to bring food. He had to go away for a bit once and wasn’t able to make you food so he bought you a rice cooker so at least you could make yourself something other than ramen and frozen pizzas.

Ennoshita is the only person in the world who can pick good makeup colours for you. You once tried to pick out a nice lipgloss colour for yourself and absolutely hated the look of it. But he always gets it right. And then makes fun of you a little for not being able to do it yourself lol

You’ve bullied Tsukishima into doing a skincare routine. Before you met him, he was using body wash as a means to clean his face. Then you smacked that attitude out of him because no way was your partner going to look like a wrinkled grape by the time he was 40. No way. This man needs moisturizer. Now he uses cleanser, toner, an eye cream, and moisturizer and when you tell your friends about it and they’re all so shocked by it, and praise him endlessly, he just stands there with his nose in the air like I’m better than you to all the other boyfriends. He enjoys when you tell your friends and their boyfriends that Tsukishima does something and the girl goes “See? How come you can’t be like him?” to their own boyfriend. Smug bitch lol

Yamaguchi came over in the middle of the night once because you found a spider and everyone else in the house was asleep. He had literally been sleeping but you called him because this spider was HUGE and you needed it to die immediately. Yamaguchi doesn’t really like spiders but honestly, you were so scared, he knew he had to help. Man dragged himself out of bed to come save you from this spider, gave you a kiss goodnight, and then walked himself back home and passed the fuck out

haikyuu taglist (let me know if you’d like to join!)

@al0ehas​ @aurumk​ @neko-chii1​ @thisnoodlewritesao3​ @satan-ruler-of-hells​ @trashy-simp​ @jeppiet​ @tobi-momo​ @darkvadeeer​ @haikyuutothetop​ @livy384​ @babyshoyo​ @jesssobs​ @b-bakana​ @just4readingfics​

[wildfire317]

Ok so re-watching the show, I've noticed a few oddities that i thought were worth mentioning:

1) First season Ashley's last name is Von Ghoulfangs, but at the start of season three episode three its been changed to Ashenbecker which was/is his uncles last name so was he adopted by his uncle or what happened?? And a similar thing happened with Klot, season one it was Pumpkinfiend-Trantzum but during the episode his father visited the castle it was changed to Pumpkinfiend, so what happened there (divorce? marriage?) ??

2) During the episode where Asha is introduced its hinted at that Stoker doesn't exactly have the best home-life but its never brought up again??

3) One episode in season two it's explained that Oskar was brought to the count by papyrus (the vampire post bat) in the mail as a baby thus hinting that both of his parents are dead, but in another episode in season three Oskar gets a present that is supposedly from his mother which he only seems mildly surprised about. So one of three things happened, either 1 his mother is still undead and well but something happened that made her incapable of caring for him (possibly the death of his father?), 2 his mother, suspecting something would happen to her she planned gifts to be sent to him in advance before she died or 3 it was actually Gothetta who sent it and she just didnt want to admit it and they've developed that as sort of a code for "i sent this to you but i dont wanna hear about it from the others".

4) as far as we know everyone except for Klot and Stoker could be orphans, for Leechy we don't really know anything about his family since nothing has been mentioned about them at all, Ashley's uncle is still around but as for any other relatives they aren't mentioned outside of their whole family having bad luck, for Oskar as far as we know his uncle and possibly his mother are the only family he has left, much like with Ashley and Leechy, Gothetta's family is never really mentioned besides her cousin Batoria.

5) its been atleast a century since Ironfang got squished by a tombstone and yet he still hasn't noticed, you would think he'd have noticed by now that before he was as tall, if not taller than the count but now he's barely taller than Gothetta.

6) its hinted that Asha and Ravena build at least semi-romantic relationships with Ashley and Leechy respectively but after the episodes where they are introduced they are never mentioned again during the episodes that are supposed to be on romantic vampire holidays.

7) Leechy is an inventor who also has atleast half decent sewing skills and his inventions usually work really well, and Ashley can "possess" a body by going inside of it, both are equally aware of these facts. And yet Leechy hasn't made a robotic or atleast semi-robotic body for Ashley to possess. (Then again does this fandom really need its own equivalent of mettaton from undertale?)

8) Sunshine did a complete 180 when she was turned into a vampire for a short while, while Lenny who was also turned into a vampire was almost completely the same as he was when he was mortal (however i have several theories). Also it was never explained if her grandpa noticed she was missing and what all happened when he saw she was missing?

9) Ashley seems to be much older than he lets on, that or getting ashed slows down the aging process by quite a bit (or the writers couldn't decide on his official age or a consistent aging system unless i have the aging wrong myself)

10) the school officially has its own equivalent of Pennywise the dancing clown, Vampello.

11) Lenny's backstory has changed at-least twice. (I mean unless he somehow got his hands on a magic violin and then lost is to a vampire before becoming one himself)

12) Ashley and Klot seem to have known each other a lot longer than just going to school together.

13) Oskar has fainted and hit his head on either the hard, rocky ground or hard stone floor at least a hundred times and yet somehow he still hasn't given himself a concussion.

14) All six of them can be considered friends on some level, and all six of them have been sharing the same room for quite a while (100 years to 17 years atleast depending on which of them you are talking to) and yet there are still secrets between them? I wouldn't think this was weird if it hadn't been such a long time, by that point I atleast wouldn't think there would be any secrets between any of them besides the whole being friends with a mortal on Oskars end (but they all eventually find out one way or another) by then i'd think they know literally EVERYTHING about each other. Although that may be why Oskar and Klot were so confused during the episode where Stoker is sleepwalking after drinking that "lemonade" that Gothetta made, when they found both Stokers footprints, favorite snack laying around, and a lot of things that seemed like they would be Stokers doing and later found him back in his coffin, because he's not normally a sleepwalker.

15) has nobody else noticed that during several episodes Ashley looks like he is stoned/high i mean that may just be because being sort of an amorphous pile of ash might be giving him a bad case of resting stoner face but.

16) also does anyone else find it a little weird that all the kids share the same bathroom and all the adults share the same bathroom and there seems to be only two bathrooms in the entire castle?

17) Despite constantly poking fun at each other Ashley and Stoker seem to be closer friends than they let on not as close as Ashley is with Klot but still, I noticed this during the episode when Ashleys uncle visits when he implies that the woodworm in his cart makes Ashley look like a hippie, asks him if he is one with mild distain and Stokers immediate reaction was to angrily reply "Who are you calling a hippie" before cutting himself off so he doesn't blow his (and technically everyone else's) cover, that and the only time Stoker ever tried to tattle on Ashley was when he was inviting Asha, who was at that point almost a complete stranger; over to the castle before the one night visitors are allowed and the others (more specifically oskar who is his rival) were helping him, meanwhile Ashley is quite a bit more tolerant of Stoker's shenanigans than the others and seems to be the only one out of their classmates who can actually put him in his place and actually bothers to when he goes to far.

[sn0tcl0wn]

it's literally taken me less than an hour to put myself back "out there" and i already have the number of a very nice man with a cute dog and a good sense of humor who's also just lookin for a friend to chill and flirt with. the fact that my exes always think i try to make peace and stay friends because i cant find anyone new is so annoying. like when i say i dont move on as fast i mean that i try to give myself some time to get the old relationship out of my system, not that i'm incapable of finding attractive people who want to spend time with me. and tbh it's assholes like that who make me so paranoid of dating again cause guys who assume that shit are always so narcissistic and manipulative and get so bitter while i'm out here just tryina be their friend.

[dondonblubstudio]

A nonsensical mess of how I have been feeling lately

Idk why I am posting this here on tumblr, I guess its because I dont have any friends who go like use tumblr and in all honesty

I dont have any friends lol so I might as well blog more often.

What an awful time I have been having in life lately.

So, I will tell my none existent blubs.

i am 25 I have accomplished literally nothing except basically fucking up my own life. I should’ve been a bit further then this. Unlike most people I have few excuses' on why I am in the current circumstances in my life. Accept for the fact that I am just very very stupid. And therefore have the tendency to make stupid decisions.

If one were to give someone like me two paths, and clearly one path which would be the right path would lead to a wonderful realm of joy, success and like wealth.

And the left path clearly I can see dragons on the horizon, it reeks of blood and rot.

I would likely go down the left path because, it looks cool, and I would be sure I would be fine.

____

The sheer level of my stupidity, honestly is fascinating from an outsiders perspective. Thats why I am sure people who have bullied me or currently think poorly of me are often provided with absolute entertainment.

Tbh I am just honestly tired. I am so tired of hating myself. and I desperately wish for just a short period of time I can simply like myself.

Tbh I wish I had friends again and I can see people again. And I dont think anytime soon that will happen. Its difficult cuz I have literally noone to talk to about my horible distress. And instead I am constantly grabing my feelings and depression and self doubt and throwing it into a basically already filled pit in my mind. 

I dont really know what to do anymore, except continue working harder and harder, and moving further forward, with the meer hope that a year or a couple years from now, I could have accomplished enough to feel satisfied.

In a way I know its all just perspective, I am perceiving myself as a failure, and also its laziness. I am to lazy, I could do more I really could I just need to get out of this lazy mindset.

Its sad but the only satisfaction in joy I get is by the idea of staying busy and working hard. I hope to work so hard, not for any aspect of success. But so I get sick or it completely destroys and exhausts me.

___________________________

Its sad in my adulthood all my friends are gone, I basically only have one. I am not pretty or happy anymore. 

I just have hit a situation. A metaphorical rock in the road and shattered to peices. And became a fragment of what I once was. But as I rebuild myself maybe it is a good thing, because I wasnt anything special in particular, maybe by constantly rebuilding, I can become special.

At this point everything I am saying is probably becoming gibberish.

But hopefully on my tumblr I can become more honest with myself at least, since I cannot be honest with anyone else, I have to be a grinning jester. And just stay happy and put together and well.

Because thats the nature of adulthood and even motherhood, is to be put together no matter what as to not burden others with things as trivial and silly as having feelings.

But I often wish I could be human, and have nervous breakdowns like other human, or cry, but I cannot. I have to be strong. Even though I am glass and broken glass, at that. I have to be strong broken glass. 

____________

I was watching a youtube video about DARK SOULS and theres a character in it based from the OV Angels Egg.

I dont really no much about either but from whatI gather. 

Dark Souls a woman of godly illusion of a female character, is asleep and holding a massive broken egg against her bussom the egg is broken. But shes asleep. When the main character wakes her sheopens her eyes sees the broken empty egg and it turns to dust and she I presume dies.

In the story Angels Egg, it is also similiar, a young cute girl is running around with an egg she found in a post apocalyptic world, she meets a traveler who ponders why she carries the egg. The girl says she thinks there is a bird inside. She cares deeply about the egg. Later on in the story the traveler I think does break this egg.

In both stories this egg, represents illusion, hope and religion. Its isnt whats inside the egg, whether with the goddess asleep holding it dearly or the little girl carrying it around. Its rather the illusion of hope that keeps people going and keeps pushing us forward. Whether the traveler of Angels Egg, Or the main character of Demon Souls. It takes a character to break this illusion, that then destroys the goddess, or little girl.

My egg(illusion) is the belief in a better life. I am not even sure what a better livelihood would mean to me. I guess something stereotypical, where I have friends and hobbies and can afford a decent lifestyle for my daughter. A plausible world where I can no longer dislike myself. 

This is an illusion because in reality I have depression, that I leave untreated, because I have anxiety and a sickly sweet personality that people find annoying or bizarre.

But I still hold onto this egg. I still will continue striving and failing and striving and failing. Maybe this is something that I can be proud of myself. Is because no matter how many times I fail, and my mental health deteriorates, I can not stop working hard. Even if I wanted to I am incapable of stopping.

I have to truck forward, I am just really tired. And lonely. Because every step forward I do make, my failures blow me 10 steps back

So yea that was my feelings. 

I just wanted to talk about it. There not important so.. yea thanks for reading.

__________________________

If anyone wants you can follow my instagram: @dondonblub 

[cagestark]

Can i request something i dont see enough of, which is AlphaPeter/OmegaTony ? :D Lots of fluffy happy stuff, i love angst too a slong as theres a happy ending - { holographic-starker }

this was a tough one to write, but I enjoyed myself and feel like I learned a lot about myself as a writer, even. Thanks for the request, let me know if you’re displeased

Read here on AO3.

Warnings: ABO, consent issues because Tony is in heat. Alpha!Peter, Omega!Tony. Peter is 18+ though. Explicit. 

-

The thing is, the kid is too polite.

Peter is freshly eighteen when he moves into the tower and begins interning for Tony, spending every last moment Avenging and patrolling and attending online classes. Being thirty years older than the kid, a part of him assumes that he should take on the role of a cantankerous old man complaining about the boorish youth. His knees have certainly taken it upon themselves to method act, protesting hours spent cross-legged on the floor. His hair has obviously been visiting wardrobe and makeup without his notice, because there are more gray hairs there than he remembers there being last year, last season, last month.

All this to say that Tony is getting older, and it is no secret that the younger generations are fucking irritating. Disrespectful, he’d say, channeling Howard or Jarvis through that internal Ouija board that keeps coming back no matter how many times he throws it out. And alright, it’s part of their rite of passage. Find him a generation who doesn’t annoy their elders and he’d eat Cap’s shield.

The one exception: Peter.

The kid has sweetness in his DNA. Authenticity clings to his red blood cells which explains why every bone in his body is genuine and kind. The respect he shows the Avengers is nearly comical—would be, if it didn’t drive Tony up the walls for other reasons. He is firm and gentle, thoughtful and conscientious. There are no valid complaints to be had about him.

The kid, if anything, is too polite.

Which means that he can’t possibly be doing this on purpose.

Peter presenting as an alpha shocked Tony to the core, and he wasn’t alone. “I’ve had him pegged as an omega since he was in diapers, Tony,” May had whispered to him while they watched Peter having his blood drawn by Bruce inside the Hulk-proof enclosure beneath the ground at Stark Tower. Judging by how Peter’s face flushes red, he can hear through the glass.

“A lot people had me pegged as an alpha,” Tony responds, maybe a little too coldly. But maybe it hits a little too close to home—children having their designations determined for them at such a young age. How much of Peter’s upbringing had influenced his disposition? Had he been groomed to be an omega even despite his biology? The thought makes Tony sick. He knows how that feels. He knows. “This doesn’t change anything about him. He’s still Peter.”

But it did change things.

Because now they are playing this game together, and either Peter is a better bluffer than Tony ever anticipated, or the kid genuinely doesn’t know what he’s doing to the older man.

It starts the first day Peter returns to his work in the lab after his rut. They have been putting in hours together working on a new AI, one Peter has affectionately dubbed Saturday, no matter how many times Tony tells him that the key to a good name is all in the acronym). Since it is Peter’s first effort to make an artificial intelligence, Tony is letting him lead. He is bent over the lab table examining a microchip the size of his thumbnail, miniature soldering iron clutched between in his fingers when the door to the lab opens.

He whirls around on the stool, beaming. Peter is dressed in his old Midtown High sweatshirt, the collar of his dress shirt blooming around his neck. His hair is dark from a shower, wet curls clinging to his forehead. He looks—good. Healthy. Strong. Fertile.

They smell each other for the first time.

It’s not Tony’s right to tell anyone to wear scent blockers, though he ingests his own via pill form twice a day, showers with them, has them mixed into the sterilization stations at lab’s exits so he can clean his hands and neutralize any happy-angsty scents that were brought about during the day’s tinkering. Because it’s a polite thing to do. Alphas and omegas are very sensitive to smells. Polite alphas will wear blockers to avoid overwhelming omegas or antagonizing other alphas in public—and when it comes to omegas, scent blockers are like protection, like the nano-tech suit he goes nowhere without. If no one can smell Tony, they can’t look at him like a piece of meat, lust over him, come on to him when all he’s trying to do is walk down the fucking street.

The kid is not wearing blockers. Before he presented, Peter had the blandly neutral scent of a beta, and he would have been incapable of scenting Tony. Peter smells of something fond. It takes Tony only a moment to place it: the mahogany of the bookshelves in his childhood home, the lemon-basil scent that would cling to Jarvis after days spent in the kitchen.

He sees Peter’s nostrils flair, surely trying to take in a scent that for all intents and purposes, he shouldn’t be able to smell. But by the way his eyes go hooded, throat bobbing, he can. The boy’s mouth opens, literally mouths the word wow. Tony feels remarkably like a rabbit caught in a dog’s gaze.

Tony burns himself. “Fucking—fuck!” He drops the soldering iron and it barely misses the microchip.

“Mr. Stark, are you okay?”

Peter comes over to examine the burn, a dark, flushed pink, the skin already raw and shiny. The smell comes with him, each of the boy’s emotions playing out like a symphony for his nose: concern, comfort, anxiety. And yeah, arousal.

Tony pulls away before their skin can touch, jamming his hands into the gloves that he should have been wearing from the start. “Fine,” he says. “Don’t worry about it.”  

Peter becomes—distracting. At best. Arousing at worst. Days spent in the lab under Tony’s tutelage are filled with emotions for the young, enthusiastic boy: joy when he solves a problem, frustration when he can’t, the soft melancholic scent of rotting wood on days when his smile is muted and his eyes seem far away. Tony is too receptive to him. More than once, he’s found himself opening his mouth, desperate to ask for the love of God, Pete, will you take a shower? Will you wear something, anything, to come between your scent and my nose? But the kid doesn’t deserve that, and Tony isn’t sure he could stand the embarrassed, insecure scent he’d give off after being confronted. The need to comfort might be too strong to overpower.

Tony does his very best to maintain a professional relationship, but Peter seems determined to cross every boundary.

Next comes the scenting. To be fair: maybe he doesn’t know how incredibly personal it is. Tony knows that it’s common in schools to separate kids by designation and teach them only the information absolutely pertinent to them. Maybe growing up small and thin and soft hearted, pegged O’ from birth, they didn’t teach him what it means when an alpha scents someone who they aren’t related to.

Tony himself doesn’t know what it means when Peter does it. Maybe Peter doesn’t even know, maybe it’s just an itch that needs scratched, and he knows that scenting Tony can scratch it. Some things are just that innocent. But on his dark days when Tony is hunched over at the lab table, back and eyes aching from working through the night, all it takes is Peter brushing by. His steps will stutter just beyond Tony’s shoulders. He inhales—now Tony is trained like one of Pavlov’s dogs, and the relief, the arousal, it often comes right then, even on just the inhale—and then Peter’s forehead will loll forward, soft hair and skin nuzzling at the scent gland on Tony’s neck until their scents are mixed. Until Tony’s body is soft and pliant (except for his cock, which is hard and throbbing).

Then Peter moves on like nothing happened.

What the fuck, Tony sometimes mouths, keeping his eyes on the tablet in front of him, terrified to turn and acknowledge what the boy just did.

It might not be so bad if they weren’t so fucking compatible. Yeah, he can admit it. Tony had spent weeks agonizing about that after the kid first brought his scent down into the lab, he’s come to terms, thanks. It’s a biological fact, one he remembers any time he takes in a whiff of mahogany and lemon-basil. God, he didn’t think a smell could be so comforting and arousing all at once. It makes him ache, someplace in his chest where the arc reactor used to sit, and somewhere lower, deep in his pelvis where he should have grown children, if he’d been a decent omega. If he hadn’t spent so long trying to pretend to be an alpha, frying his biology, cooking his ovaries right to medium-well-done, AKA infertility.

What use would Peter have for him? Tony is old, past safe childbearing years even if he wasn’t barren. Alphas want legacies, they want homemakers, they want everything Howard worked so hard to empty Tony of. Far too often he finds himself maudlin and thinking such thoughts before the futility of them strikes him. His attractiveness is a non-issue; he is determined that he and Peter will never come together that way.

As it is, the scent blockers Tony takes, while being ultra-effective, aren’t as effective for a pair—not a pair. No, they’re not a pair. Just two friendly friends, mentor and mentee, platonic hi there Mr. Stark how are you doing goodness, no knots involved. God. He should not be thinking about the kid’s knot—anyway, the blockers aren’t as effective for people who are as compatible as Peter and Tony are. They are his last defense, and he often burns through them before the afternoon hits, body working overtime to make his scent potent again so that he might have a chance to attract the virile alpha across the room. It’s embarrassing, smelling so badly of pining omega that he can smell himself in the enclosed space of the elevator.

Like he is right now.

Although, it isn’t the elevator. It’s the bathroom.

Tony grabs the hand towels off of the rack and stuffs them at the bottom of the door where the crack is, desperate to keep his own smell in and Peter’s smell out. Then he crawls into the bathtub there and draws the curtain shut. As if that’s going to help.

He looks to the ceiling, wondering why a deity he doesn’t even believe in seems to be punishing him like this. Inside his pants, his cock is aching, and he can’t help but to press the heel of his hand against it, exhaling in the brief relief it gives. Lifting his wrist to his nose he breaths deep and can’t stop the groan that passes his lips. He smells like Peter, their scents combining, lemon and sugar to make lemonade, so sweet his mouth waters and his teeth ache.

When Peter arrived in the lab just moments before, he’d brought with him the scent of fury: scorched earth, and something sadder. His eyes were red from tears, lips pressed thin together. Tony watched him, paralyzed, as he tried three different times to enter his access code to the lab before FRIDAY showed mercy and let him in. Then as soon as there was nothing between them, it was like two oppositely charged magnets coming together.

They collided. Tony’s arms wrapped around him and Peter’s nose buried in that spot between his neck and shoulder, inhaling and exhaling fire on Tony’s exposed skin. Peter babbles away, lips brushing his skin, something about an argument with Ned and MJ, both sides feeling neglected and wronged, long overdue issues just now bubbling to the surface, he’d imagine. He can barely focus on what the boy is saying. It feels like there’s an invisible hand on the back of his neck, tilting him into the perfect position for his alpha to scent and find comfort in him. Tony holds him until all the anger and hurt and helplessness have seeped out of him.

What the fuck, Tony mouths to the ceiling. One of these days, he’s going to ask FRIDAY to create a montage of his WTF moments so that he might literally have concrete footage of how weird his life is.

Then one of Peter’s hands drifts up like he is going to cup Tony’s shoulder, but instead he firmly presses his thumb into the gland there and it’s like Thor has sent a bolt of lightning down. Tony’s entire body jerks and melts, every bone in his body relaxing for his alpha except for the one in his pants, and speaking of, Peter whimpers and shifts and there is no mistaking an alpha’s cock. There just isn’t. It’s veritably huge and hard and how many years has it been since he’s had an alpha inside him, since he’s been knotted—

The scents around them change, thick with arousal. It takes him that long to realize that Peter’s heightened emotional sensitivity might have a biological cause.

He is going into a rut.

“Mr. Stark,” Peter slurs, hips shifting. “You smell sooo good.”

It takes herculean effort to separate their bodies. The sheer heat and pheromones that Peter is throwing off are tangible even when he’s resolutely breathing through his mouth. He must be a sight: eyes wild and terrified, cock stiff, sprinting bow-legged to the bathroom so that he could get just a moment—just a moment to calm himself down and use his brain.

It’s going…about as well as can be expected, Tony thinks, desperately fisting his cock in the bathtub. If he could just rub one out, maybe it will bleed some of the fire from his veins. There is a gentle knocking at the door and Peter’s muffled voice, but Tony can barely hear it. He’s so close, building up to an orgasm so quickly that it should be shameful, but at least there is no one here to see. Wrist pressed to his nose, he inhales Peter’s scent like a man coming up from water, desperate for air. His balls are drawn up tight, stomach twisted into knots—and still he doesn’t cum.

“Mr. Stark, are you alright? Are you hurt?” Peter’s voice is raised, worried. Tony realizes that he has been whimpering, surely loud enough for the genetically enhanced boy to hear.

The pain inside him rises up but never crests, just rests there, aching in his gut. Cramping. Curiously, he reaches down past the petite testicles, down—

He’s wet. Soaked. The touch of his finger nearly brings him to ecstasy. This is what he needs, something inside of him, filling that emptiness that is so acute it aches. One finger isn’t enough. His hole is already loose, taking two easily.

The door breaks down. I’m in heat, Tony thinks numbly listening to wood splinter and hinges break. Maybe there was a slow build up that he missed, but it burned away in an instant in the face of this alpha. That is why Peter went into rut. Because of me. He barely has time to shove his cock back into his pants. For a moment, after Peter wrenches back the shower curtain Tony feels like a woman out of the old bodice rippers his mother used to keep in her bedside drawer. The ones with helpless omegas ravished by alphas who were driven mad by their scents, alphas who couldn’t have stopped their urges even if they wanted to.

The look Peter gives him is certainly aroused enough. He is hard in his jeans, a bulge that looks impossibly huge compared to Tony’s own. Peter’s chest rises and falls so rapidly that the older man is worried for his health. Those dark eyes scan Tony from head to toe and then the boy collapses, knees striking the tiled floor, groaning. He crawls to the bathtub and rests his feverish cheeks against the lip of the tub, mouth open and panting.

“Mr. Stark.” The voice is absolutely wrecked.

It is pure restraint as a result of his years of experience that keeps him from rolling onto his hands and knees to present for this boy, this wet-behind-the-ears alpha who has barely started his second rut and probably never popped a knot in his life.

“Mr. Stark I don’t feel so good,” groans Peter.

Even burning up, cramping, shaking, Tony reaches out to pet at Peter’s head. He hopes to offer comfort, but the boy snatches his hand out of the air in a bruising grip. Then he draws it to his mouth and presses in the fingers that were just inside Tony’s sopping hole. The boy’s tongue slips between the fingers, searching every crevice for more slick, groaning even as he licks the palm tasting only heart-love-life lines. “Mr. Stark,” Peter pants, trying again for words. “Can I have you? Please. Let me have you.”

“Yes,” Tony gasps.

They come together clumsily. It takes a moment for them to realize that Tony is trying to crawl out of the tub while Peter is trying to crawl in. They end up outside of it on the tiled floor, Tony spread out underneath the young alpha. Peter sheds his shirt and there should be violins, there should be mood lighting and a spotlight because the kid is fucking built. He almost has as many abs as fingers, so lithe and strong. He reminds Tony of spider silk, thin and so strong.

“Undress,” Peter says lowly, helping Tony to sit up so that he might pull off his shirt. Yeah, Tony isn’t 18 years old with genetically enhanced muscles but he likes to think he does okay. Peter’s eyes roll, palms flat on Tony’s pecs to drag down and down, over the scarring where the arc reactor used to be, scraping at the chest hairs. It melts the omega’s brain, primal parts of him purring. His body is satisfying to his mate, even if he is older and grayer and harder than any omega has a right to be. “God, you’re so—Jesus you’re hot Mr. Stark.”

“Knot me,” Tony groans. His hips are thrusting up into the hard cradle of Peter’s pelvis. His cock is throbbing, leaking, but it is nothing compared to the emptiness inside of him. The room is small and filled with so many potent scents that he can barely keep his eyes open. All of his senses are consumed by Peter, by what he’s doing with Peter. “Come on, kid. It hurts.”

Peter goes feral at the thought. He tears at their clothes, ribbons of jean and cotton, tennis shoes nudged off of feet. When he is naked as the day he was born, the fever in Tony seems to reach its boiling point. The kid is sculpted; it’s indecent. If there was any doubt he was meant to be an alpha, his cock disputes it. Tony, who has had plenty of fulfilling sexual experiences with people of all genders and designations, is still intimidated. Aroused. Anxious. He knows that his biology has prepared him for this. His body is made to take cocks of that size, but what if it doesn’t? What if he displeases this alpha, displeases Peter?

A hand comes to rest on his shoulder, thumb pressing into that tender part of his neck that has his legs jolting. “Easy,” Peter says, and Tony’s entire body relaxes. That voice drains all the fear and anxiety out of him, Novocain for the soul. Why was he worrying? His head is pleasantly fuzzy like with the buzz of a few strong drinks. Underneath it all is the ache in his cock, the emptiness inside him, but he does not beg. Does not squirm. Because unbearably tender, Peter assures: “I’ll take care of you.”

The tiles under his palms and knees are cold on his feverish skin when he turns over. He lets his back bow to appease the ache inside him until he is presenting fully, cheek pressed against the floor. The sounds Peter makes behind him are wrecked as he folds himself over the omega beneath him, mouth hotly over the skin at the nape of his neck. It makes all the hairs on his body stand on edge—god the only thing better than mating with alpha is bonding with this alpha, bite, bite, please—

“Can’t,” Peter groans. “Can’t bite you. You don’t mean that.”

Tony bucks the boy off until Peter is sitting back on his haunches, cock obscene between his legs, looking more like a confused pup than an assertive alpha. Tony bares his teeth even in the face of his instincts which recoil just at the idea. “I thought you knew what I needed,” he goads.

Peter’s eyes harden. Maybe this polite young man defers to him on most things, but not this thing. He fists a hand in Tony’s hair and wrenches him up until their naked bodies are plastered together from knee to neck. Teeth brush his neck again and it’s like touching a live wire. If he’d jerked any harder, he might have broken skin. As it is, Peter just holds him there, bite firm and bordering on painful until all the fight goes out of him. The boy guides him back down, body lax like all the bones are gone. One hand drifts up and back to run over where the alpha’s teeth were, desperate to feel the indentations.

“Didn’t break skin,” Peter promises, like Tony doesn’t already know. No broken skin, but close. Close enough to have him pliant and purring, the fever in his skin giving him the briefest respite. Then Peter’s fingers dance downward to where the omega is wet and hot and so empty it hurts. Just the brush of fingertips, the promise of pleasure, has Tony groaning into the tiled floor.

Gently, Peter presses in. Attuned to the alpha’s senses, he hears the younger man’s breath catch, turn high and breathy. A second finger joins the first and yes, that’s better, so much better than the gaping emptiness. By the third finger, Tony feels like he could cum from this alone, even if Peter has done nothing but skim his fingers over that spot inside him that’s so good it aches.

Peter hushes him, a hand planted over that fading mark on the back of Tony’s neck. His other hand grips his cock, notching the head where Tony needs it most. The omega takes the first half before he feels full, sated even, but then there is more. Peter makes the rawest noises, and Tony laments not facing him, not being able to see his expression. He can imagine it: the eyes squeezed shut, mouth open, head back. But then there is more cock inside him than he thought was possible, and it burns everything else from his mind. The only thing that exists is that cock, anchoring him to this reality. He can feel the flared base of the alpha’s cock already puffing, desperate to knot.

Content that his cock isn’t going to split Tony in half—though it certainly feels like it from the other side of things—Peter sets a brutal pace. The finesse his fingers might have lacked is overshadowed by his cock which probably couldn’t miss Tony’s prostate if it tried. All he can do is take it, fingers scrabbling to find purchase on the slick floor, body singing, prepared to burn out at any moment.

“To-ny,” whines Peter, drawing the word out obscenely. The next word is softer, said through teeth: “Omega.”

“Alpha,” Tony gasps. “Harder—more. Come on. Need it, need your knot—”

“Then take it,” Peter cries. “Take it! God, you feel so good, you’re perfect, perfect—”

Tony cums, cock spurting onto the tiled floor. Every muscles clenches, cramping, spasming as his orgasm goes on and on, spurred on by Peter’s cock. Tony can’t even take it enough breath to scream, just gapes, cheek pressed to the cool floor. He can feel Peter’s own end coming, the knot growing, the sounds he makes becoming louder and less inhibited.

When Peter finally cums, he howls, crying out the way a man might if he’d just been stabbed only he’s the one stabbing Tony, stabbing him with his cock, forcing the knot past the rim and Tony doesn’t know if he can take it, there is brief pain cresting and then—it’s like it all goes white. His first orgasm was nothing compared to this. This would be painful, if it weren’t so good, if it weren’t exactly what he needed. It’s so much deeper than when he cums from his cock; in a way that feels so external. But this is inside him, deep in his womb, his entire body and being rejoicing at the alpha inside him loading him with sperm. Every spasm of his body is matched a heartbeat later by the cock inside him.

The come-down is slow. Having lost his strength ages ago, Tony is prostrate on the floor, knees and back aching. Above him is a firm, warm weight. The breaths are too ragged for Peter to be sleeping. Still, there is no speaking. Not until the knot inside him deflates and Peter draws back, cum and slick slipping out from inside of Tony.

When he manages to get up on his hands an knees, reaching out to use the sink to brace himself to stand (trying hard not to slip in all the bodily fluids), he sees that Peter is sitting back on his haunches, face buried in his hands, shaking with tears.

Tony nearly flinches at the sight. His heart pounds—alpha, hurting.

“Peter? Pete? God, what is it? Are you—”

“I’m so sorry,” Peter wails.

“Wh—what the hell are you sorry for?”

Peter can’t even answer, he’s so distraught. Tony isn’t good at this. It’s safe to say that most emotional situations have him withdrawing, and hastily. But this is Peter: the young man he’s had a soft spot for even years before the attraction arrived. So instead he lowers himself back down and sits next to the boy, drawing him in. Peter buries his face in Tony’s neck, scenting and scenting. It isn’t hard to exude comfort and warmth, not when he has the young alpha in his arms. Peter’s tears slow and then stop.

Heart in his throat, Tony asks: “What that—not good for you, kid?”

When Peter pulls away, his face is twisted with confusion. “What are you talking about? That—it was—God, Mr. Stark. I’m going to be thinking about that for the rest of my life, probably.”

The omega inside him purrs. “Thanks for the ego boost.”

Peter sighs, wiping at his face. “That’s just so not how I wanted it to happen. When you’re, when you’re in heat you can’t technically consent. You ran from me and I literally—oh shoot, Mr. Stark, I broke down your door.”

“About that—it’s coming out of your paycheck.”

“I’m not being paid, I’m an intern—"

“You—what? You’re not being paid? That doesn’t sound—”

“Can we, like, talk about my pay later?”

Tony’s mouth clicks shut. He nods.

“I just,” Peter sighs, relaxed with his head in the crook of Tony’s neck. They’re both naked, sweat cooling rapidly, but their bodies pressed together are more than enough to keep them warm. “All that effort I put in trying to attract you, trying to treat you right, like an alpha is supposed to treat an omega—then I went and broke your door.”

“Jesus,” Tony mutters. “I should have known you’re too smart not to know what you’ve been doing. Scenting me like I’m going out of style.”

“You’ll never go out of style Mr. Stark,” Peter assures. “I thought I was being subtle. It never seemed to work. Then I got worried that maybe you just weren’t interested. But I can smell you.”

“I’m interested,” Tony says into the younger man’s hair. “Trust me. Interested is putting it lightly. Not to mention, I’m a pretty creative guy. I could have probably stopped you if I wasn’t interested.”

“Even if you could, it’s not right for me to, to just—consent is important!”

“You’re goddamn right it is,” Tony says. He draws Peter’s chin up so they can meet eyes, and even bloodshot and wet, Peter’s are still warm and sincere and painfully adorable. “So, while I’m of sane mind and in between waves, let’s just go ahead and say I’m giving you consent. Enthusiastically. Deal?”

It’s Peter’s turn to melt and then purr, a low growling in his chest, looking like the spider who caught the fly, only more charming and with far less legs thank god. He mouths at Tony’s neck, kissing the gland there to make him shiver, and when he speaks Tony can feel the brush of his lips moving against his skin: “Deal.”

[grimsae]

-Come To My House🏡

Kades POV: You wanna know what I hate? Fake friends. Plastic exteriors. Ingenuine words. Before abandoning my life back in Windenburg, when I was suffocated by toxic carbon copy friends. People who only cared for themselves, used me to their convenience on their own time. Who ignored me when I needed them most. Judging my music I wrote & shared with them, talking shit about me behind my back & even judging me for smoking a little weed. Stupid shit. Then to my ex Beau just tearing at my heart & mental health. No more lunchbox friends.

Yesterday, Kolby & I got together at his house to experiment with tarot cards. Kolby is into that stuff. He believes in horoscopes & that the universe sends us stuff for a reason. He’s an odd guy, but he has a true soul. Anyway, during our card time, I got the death card. It kinda freaked me out since I dont know much about tarot cards, so I legit thought I was cursed. He came to reassure me that this was not the case. It was to symbolize a death of my relationship with Beau, my old friends & my old life back in Windenburg. Saying it was time for me to die, figuratively. To be reborn into a better person in life. I’ve been thinking about it since then. He told me to text him when he needed me. So this evening I pulled out my phone & texted that cute little hippie.

Kade: Hey come to my house, lets die together.

He replied

Kolby: On my way, no more negativity. Just growth from now on.

[Just an FYI, if you don’t figuratively get it. Kade doesn’t mean literally die together. He means to be reborn together, since he pulled that death tarot card. I can see how that could easily be taken in a wrong way & I don’t mean it that way, just wanted to clear that up!:)]

He came over & I shared my stories of my life back in Windenburg. How even though I’m thousands of miles from there, that mentally I’m still stuck there. That Beau & all my old friends have moved on from all the hurt they caused on me & here I am still hurting from it. “Don’t keep dwelling on that. It’s not right what they did to you, but it’s not right what you’re doing to yourself Kade. You’re hurting yourself still by holding onto that pain. You need to let that shit die that way you can grow.” He told me.

Kolby: Life has tons of mountains & valleys & you’re stuck, lost, treading in this deep & dark valley. You need to help yourself & find genuine love from people & together climb out of this valley. There is still good people in this world, you’ve just been fucking with shallow people who are incapable of helping others besides themselves.

We spent the whole night talking, laughing, sharing & crying. For another night sharing another intimate moment.

Kade: I just need to learn to quit running from my past & grow the fuck up & start taking my life back. Not expecting others to love me but to prioritize loving myself. To keep working on myself, to get through this valley in my life. To always put my mental health & happiness in first place. To always remember that not everyone is gonna love me but that there will always be some great people in my life that love me for me & will never turn away from me. People who understand our problems & help one another to get better. To become better people.

Kolby smiled at Kade. He was proud. His hand slowly snakes around the corner of the bed sheets towards Kades hand. Warmly holding it & pulling it towards his lips.

Kolby: Always remember that, Kade. Even though we’ve only met months ago when I moved here for work, but I believe the universe brought me here to Sulani to help guide you through this valley in your life & for you to show me what a good listener & friend is like. Friendship is about being there for one another. Unconditional & supportive.

The boys lean in & give a big bear hug to each other. Kade goes In & gives Kolby a small lingering kiss on his lips. It caught Kolby off guard a bit but his cute cheeks went up with his beautiful smile on his face.

Kolby stands on his knees on the bed, returning the affection to Kade.

Kade: alright, the old me is ready to die. I am ready & willing to put the work in to reinventing myself. I got you & my small group of friends & my family by my side. From this moment on, I Kade Moon, declare no more lunchbox friends from now on...

Kolby: friendship that will last forever...

🤝

[thefeckisthis]

manifestation and religion

disclaimer: im going to write my opinions on religion and if you consider yourself a believer - dont get offended as we all have different experiences and beliefs. also, i will be mentioning some stuff that most people find weird and unusual so please keep your mind open and leave your judgment somewhere else.

i wrote quite a bit and then my clumsy ass accidentally closed all tabs and everything was gone so this time ill write my intro in short version. so we all heard the saying ‘’be careful what you wish for it may come true’’. well it does come true and it has proved to me so many times, and before i get to the basics of law of attraction and manifestation I am going to say a bit of background how i got to it all.

as most of my country i was raised christian and had to practice the religion until i was 14/15 and got my holy confirmation so after that i was finally happy that i did not have to go to church if i did not want to. my family is not super religious, we do follow the holiday traditions and such as its normal in our country, but personally i dont give them much meaning. two of my family members are religious and i am grateful because in a place as my hometown our parents gave us free will when i came to religion (after our confirmation only :P) .

 with all my experience and research i came to realise that christianity is most rotten, corrupted, vile and disgusting religion there is. there are exceptions that were better than rest, that is a small number unfortunately. i always considered myself agnostic, there is no defined god but there is something bigger than humankind and its still unknown. and you look at all the religions you will find that mostly all of them have same stories, people and facts, just bit amended  to their culture.  so to explain a bit, here is internet definition of agnosticism # Agnosticism is the view that the existence of God, of the divine or the supernatural is unknown or unknowable. Another definition provided is the view that "human reason is incapable of providing sufficient rational grounds to justify either the belief that God exists or the belief that God does not exist."  and no, atheist is not the same. heres couple of pictures giving some insights 

so now that we have that sorted out i would like to stress out that i never had anything against people who believe in god or dont believe in god, i have friends who are strong believers and friends who are atheist, its just called being adult and accepting people as they are. not enough people can do that. 

so i did lots of research on religions and i do like polytheism  ( Polytheism is the worship of or belief in multiple deities, which are usually assembled into a pantheon of gods and goddesses, along with their own religions and rituals) so i always had huge interest in roman and Greek deities, Egyptian as well and for a while was reading about Hinduism. of course i read a lot about all other older civilizations and most of them are based on polytheism. 

during my exploring i came across a doctrine about paganism (havent fully finished all the books and here is a link if anyone would be interested in buying https://despot-infinitus.com/proizvod/paganizam-u-teoriji-i-praksi-doktrina-paganizma/) and i really liked the whole idea of it and i am still actively considering of becoming a white witch/wicca and reading those books inspired adding bit more on my pentagram tattoo, which is actually representing five elements so with added moons it represents triple goddess symbol.

many people ask me is that devils sign and am i a satanist, and that is ridiculous assumption based on only one symbol. and as a matter of fact i have been  reading about satanism itself as well (of course i have) and its quite surprisingly peaceful religion and makes more sense than christianity does. to read more about their rules (which are way better than 10 commandments) click here - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LaVeyan_Satanism#Basic_tenets

those who know me a bit better know that i love paranormal stuff and that i have strong connection with it and that caused a lot of paranormal experiences in my life (i bring all the ghosts to your yard aaayyy) so i recently also discovered demonology ( Demonology is the study of demons or beliefs about demons. They may be human, or nonhuman, separable souls, or discarnate spirits which have never inhabited a body.) and that you can actually learn how to practice it and cant lie that also interests me as well as you contact demons and entities and you work together to learn about world and history and you give them chance to peacefully experience the world (they literally posses you and that way they get to taste food and emotions etc)

yes this is quite informative post as well. and yes, you will all probably deem me insane after reading all this. and what i noticed is that all of them mentioned above work on the principle of cooperation, you have to give to receive. and i dont mean like you have to make blood sacrifices to get your wishes, i mean you have to put in some effort in it and show good intentions and most important of all  - you have to show some respect.

so to finally get to the reason why you are all here. manifestation and law of attraction.

there were loads of instances in my life where i noticed small details that most of people wouldnt notice and after googling them one word kept coming up - universe. so automatically when you start look into that law of attraction and manifestation  come up as well, they all g hand in hand like little happy family.

So law of attraction is something you all definitely had experience with. Basically its what you put out to the world is what you get. Simple change of mindset can change everything in your life. Have you noticed when you are happy and spreading happiness everything around you seems nicer, people are nicer to you, nice things happen and then when you are in bad mood everything is going bad.

Sounds familiar? That is law of attraction for you people. you’re releasing/giving good vibes to the atmosphere and people around you so universe makes sure to give good things back. notice that give and take relationship here? Dont be fooled tho, its not always as simple as it sounds. it is especially hard when you get into that deep hole of feeling bad a and depressed. it is really hard to change your train of thoughts and get yourself to think positive. universe wont award you for one good thought, it has to be series of it and you really need to feel them. you truly need to be in a good moment to get something back from universe.

say thank you to people serving you, ask people how are they, show that you care, pick up a paper from street and throw it in a bin, smile to everyone, pet a random animal on a street, anything counts. and dont do it just because you expect something huge from universe as most of the time universe will give back with good things as well, someone will help you, smeone will compliment you, you’ll get free cup of coffee, just random things like that. you will be surprised that good things will come to you in a moment you need. it also makes you more grateful for everything in your life and makes your everyday nicer and more positive.

then we come to manifestation. 

thiiiiiis my people is bit more complicated than just law of attraction, but one without other does not go. there is no definition of the manifestation, but it is a fact that if you want something really bad universe will give it to you. i had universe manifest so many of my things that i wanted, just took a bit of time. maybe it has happened for you too. sit and think how many things did you wish for and you have them now? there are certainly more than few things that come to your mind. i can easily name at least 10 things that universe manifested for me without even realizing that was it.

there are many ways to manifest something and it is impossible for me to write everything about it in this post as it is bit more complicated than law of attraction, but i will try to outline some things and believe me when you google manifestation you will find loads of examples and you can read for days about it. 

every single wish you want to manifest you can, it just requires some work and that is the hardest part. there are many ways of manifesting something, scribbling, drawing, visualizing, meditating and many more - you need to find something that works the best for you. you need to have clear vision of what you want (general idea wont work), you have to want it really strongly and you need to start working towards it, even little steps - remember when i said you have to give to receive, same with universe. it wont just drop it in your lap because you decided it would be beneficial for you. 

and have in mind very important thing universe will always provide and it will give you what you deserve when you are ready for it.

so yes, it means it can take waaaay longer than you expect it, it may not be hours, days it may be years, it just means that you are not ready for it yet but that doesnt mean universe is not working on bringing it to you. all the work you put into it will definitely be worth it.

for example i fell in love in marketing in university and always wanted a job in that field. it did not get easy to me at all. i spent long five years applying for the jobs and either getting rejections or no answer. and believe me that could put me in such bad mood sometimes that i just wanted to give up on everything. add to that anxiety struggles and that makes it even harder. and as mentioned in the last year i worked on myself mentally, my anxiety has been on lower levels for a while and it does spike up now and then and it messes things up, but i’ve been happier mentally then i ever was in last 5 years and towards end of the last year more and more good things started to come my way and then i finally got that long awaited job.

i am still looking a proper way to thank universe for making it happen for me as that is also important thing for manifestation.

going to use myself as example - being a cheerleader, moving to another country, going to enrique iglesias concerts, visiting loch ness and Neuschwanstein Castle and many more were just big wishes at one point and so far they all came true and i couldnt be happier. it can be small things as well, once i tried to test it and i wanted to manifest a drink date. so i kept thinking how i will go for a drink with someone next week. and it happened, next week i went for a drink with a guy i just met, completely unexpectedly. i didnt specify anything else other than gooing for a drink at that was the only thing that happened.

once wished for more money (also nothing specific stupid me haha) and after two days i found €5 on the floor. not much but universe did provide what i wanted :D

as i’ve said, manifestation is more complicated than law attraction and requires strong mind and strong will, so not only that you get what you wish and work for - it makes you a better person as well! To end this i am going to leave couple of links you can visit and see more about them, or if you’re more adventurous just google manifestation and enjoy your journey :) https://medium.com/thrive-global/9-principles-of-conscious-manifestation-3d2df7a4a87

https://elysesantilli.com/what-is-manifestation/

https://blog.mindvalley.com/manifestation/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZNFXNnKOLdA5ZD7Sn2p5aQ/videos

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvptCAXYmDZMOffniGRfomQ/videos

[pomegranate-prince]

My house has been on the market since august 1st. I have had non stop showings booked for its first and second week and my realty agent has a track records of most her listings kn average selling around the 2 weeks mark and her longest ones at the two months mark.

My friends and coworkers are all sad that I'm moving but so happy for me to finally be doing everything I want in life and getting away from Wyoming. I've wanted this for so long... and now that its finally here I'm scared.

What if I miss wyoming more that I love being able to travel? I'm really important at my job here, all of my bosses and coworkers say that I'm the only one that can do what and in irreplaceable. Like they aren't just saying it they really mean it, they having me doing a two month training with the person they thought would be the smartest and most capable in my library and he isnt able to do a lot of what I and doesnt want me to leave.

What if I get to Texas and people think I'm disposable and stupid and incapable again and no one wants to hire me except for fast food and cleaning jobs again?

Everyone in wyoming may not respect my pronouns despite me wearing a physical sign on my chest in hold red lettering reminding them that I am not a female, my pronouns are he/him/his, and still call me she and ma'am. But I dont have to worry about getting murdered for it as much in Wyoming as I have to worry about being murdered or assaulted for being lgbtq+ everywhere else.

My home may hate me and cost me more in repairs than I can ever afford and be drowning me in debt, but it's my home. I own it and paid for it and no one can ever take it away from me. I love the animals on my property, the flock of wild turkeys and the herd of deer that live on it in the fall and winter. All the bunnies and the squirrels that live there all year and come up to you and sit on your shoulder and let you feed them. The random stray cats and critters who stay in my heated kennels outside and eat the kibble in my outside critter feed bowls.. you dont get that anywhere else.

I can leave my home unlocked and leave for a whole month and come back with nothing having been stolen. I literally never lock my doors and had to search the whole house been over to find my house key for the realtor to have on file. Can you leave you house unlocked and never worry about being robbed?

This life is all I've known for the last 9 and 1/2 years. This is all I am now and I'm scared, for the first time in my life, of change. What if my life is never as good again as it is right here and now? But I have my husband and my family rushing me and pushing me to leave it all and move on and go.. they've never had life be like mine was and they dont know how this feels.

I'm important and I have security and I have a life here and though it's boring and expensive and always freezing cold here, its mine. And I have to leave it all behind and go back to be a disposable nobody with nothing and no stability or security and try to start all over again.

It's just a lot right now and I'm doing it all by myself and most times alone and I'm just freaking out so much, but no one understands me or really cares or gets it.

[domesticangel]

2 4 8 13 14 18 22 29 33/34 36 37 40 41 44 48 55 69 76 80 82 94 95 98? Sorry if that's a lot sfhsghsh there were so many to choose from!! U can skip some if u want

SDFHSJKDL NAH DUDE UR SO FINE I APPRECIATE U GIVIN ME SO MANY TO ANSWER !!! 🤠🤙🏻 I’m gonna throw this under a cut just bc. I Talk A Lot

2. is your room messy or clean?

HHHHH i’d say its more on the messy side lmao like its not too awful bad but i am rly bad about having The Chair™ that i pile all my worldly possessions on

4. do you like your name? why?

ive honestly never rly liked it lmao emily was apparently like one of the most popular baby names for girls in ‘97 so from grade school through college ive always been one of like at least 2 or 3 emily’s in each class kjhkjhfkj thats why i mostly prefer to go by emmy

8. what kind of car do you drive? color?

i drive a 2002 ford taurus named tori and she’s my silver babby. she’s a very good car and i plaster her in as many bumper stickers as i can get my hands on

13. any siblings?

ye! one older brother. he’s like a cartoonishly stereotypical stoner but he’s chill so we get along

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

HMMM ive always thought colorado would be nice? i love mountains and i love cold weather and i feel like theres enough cities that id have an ok chance of getting a job in my field. somewhere in scandinavia might also be nice bc once again i like the cold and also ive heard their healthcare slaps

18. favorite tv show?

OOF idk if i could pick one fav but some I’m rly into and find myself rewatching a lot are scrubs, bojack horseman, its always sunny, archer, and dexter

22. do you go to the gym?

i do when I’m on campus just bc my school has a rly nice gym with a good running track but if I’m back home like over breaks and stuff ill just run outside. i sometimes go to the yoga/pilates classes my mom teachers at her local gym but thats about it

29. whats the worst thing you have ever done?

HHHHH well. the main thing that came to mind was 3 years ago when i was driving and took a turn too fast and accidentally crashed into the front of a lady’s car….obv i didn’t mean to do it but i definitely was being reckless thinking i could make the turn. i totaled her car (i was driving a mustang at the time and those mfers are built like tanks so only our fender got dented but her entire front end was crushed) but luckily everyone was physically ok. i def learned my lesson about being a dumbass and also don’t fuck w rwd cars anymore lmao…even to this day thinking about how badly i couldve hurt her makes me shudder and i haven’t been in a wreck since

33. favorite actor?

idk if i can pick a fav but dfhjshgkjsdf i rly like samuel l. jackson, jason bateman, and paul rudd

34. favorite actress?

HHHHHHH i love so many actresses it’d probably be impossible to narrow it down but ive been rewatching ahs coven recently and it reminded me how much i love angela bassett and jessica lange 😩❤️

36. favorite movie?

kjghdsgjsk IM SRY IM PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE OF NARROWING ANYTHING DOWN TO ONE BUT,,, some of my consistent all times favs are the kill bill movies and the kingsman movies

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

i dont tbh i did when i was a kid but i always abandon books halfway through whenever i try nowadays,, i think the last book i read was the kite runner and its definitely one of my favs. i also like p much all of toni morrison’s books but beloved was my fav of hers

40. how many times have you been to the hospital?

i think only twice??? once when i was RLY young for something i don’t even remember and again when i was still p young to get my tonsils out lmao

41. top 10 favorite songs

OOF ok favorites are so hard for me but some songs ive loved for a rly long time and always come back to are nightdrive with you (fear of tigers remix) by anoraak, countdown by beyonce, song of the sea by cake bake betty, surrender by cheap trick, bubbly by colbie caillat, ferrari by coyote kisses, that green gentleman by panic! at the disco, nightswimming by R.E.M., if it makes you happy by sheryl crow, and punk rock girl by the dead milkmen

44. what is your biggest fear?

JHDFKJLSHKJSGFK ok this is kinda morbid but like i have this specific fear of someone close to me dying and it depressing me so much that i like, am not able to finish school and pursue my career and i get like totally trapped as a result of grief that sustains itself by constantly reminding me that said dead person would be disappointed in me for quitting. Sweats Loudly

48. who is your role model?

prob my mom tbh which i know is. Cheesy but like. she’s been through so much shit and still came out the other end of it as this unconditionally compassionate and capable person and i just. thats what i wanna be

55. what is your dream job?

honestly this might sound sad but like? literally anything that doesn’t make me wanna die and pays well enough that i can pay my bills and have a little fun on the side?????? obv some kinda art career but as for what specifically I’m rly not picky tbh jfghjhf all i know is that id wanna work for a company as opposed to freelancing

69. do you play an instrument?

nope dkljhfsdjk im not musically talented in any way shape or form

76. what color looks best on you?

black or tie dye, no in between

80. what is your biggest pet peeve?

probably just like? super negative people. like people that go out of their way to find negativity and complain about other things or people and have no desire to look on the bright side or enjoy the little things. like chill dude. we’re all just here to have a good time

82. favorite ice cream flavor?

HMMM i rly love pecan praline ice cream !!!

94. favorite lyrics right now

i honestly rly like the chorus from help yourself by sad brad smith,, “I know you’ll help us when you’re feeling better, and we realize that it might not be for a long, long time, but we’re willing to wait on you, we believe in everything that you can do, if you could only lay down your mind”

it just. makes me Soft. it reminds me of the ppl in my life that believe in me unconditionally and are patient with me and how grateful i am to have them and all the people that i love and believe in too and. Yeah 😩❤️

95. summer or winter?

winter 100% i HATE heat and sweating plus like 90% of my wardrobe is cold weather clothes fdljhksjkdh

98. favorite month?

HMMM probably november? its usually like the transition from fall to winter so you get that really nice crisp fall weather that flows into the super cold hot cocoa weather that i loooooveee