#i know im not some kind of special uniquely broken person but im just so tired

[wurmeatworld]

I cant speak for op, but the things youve said on this post have been really rubbing me the wrong way and I want to explain why, although there's so much that its kind of overwhelming.

You are jumping to a lot of conclusions about what OP thinks and is saying about "gifted kid" autistics, and you're not understanding the original post at all. Listen, I was a gifted kid myself who didnt get diagnosed until high school. Yes, it was hard and painful and traumatizing. But heres the thing. The adults in my life believed I had potential. They liked me. They thought I was a good kid. They thought I was intelligent. Yes the expectations placed on me were unfair. But I was liked and in some ways, respected.

This is a vastly different experience from autistic kids who struggle to adapt, who are visible as autistic, who are thought of as lesser because they cant compare to the neurotypical standard. In our society, if youre weird but able to catch up to or surpass the NT standard, you may be seen as a freak, but ultimately your accomplishments are awarded for being able to conform to the system. If youre behind, you're not just a freak. You're a burden. You are a broken cog in the machine. There is so much more hatred for people who cant or dont conform than for people who can and do.

The way we are treated IS different. And I know that once gifted kid burnout hits, you become a hated burden too, bc Im living that rn. But even if we end up similar, theres a HUGE difference in our early childhoods, the most formative years. That matters, quite a bit.

Even after gifted kid burnout, our ability to mask dictates how people treat us. The less we can fit in, the worse we are treated. Its not a matter of jealousy or infighting or oppression olympics. It is a simple fact about being a part of any minority group. It's insane to me that you think this is a white discussion because the same basic principles have been discussed in regards to racism, homophobia, transphobia, you name it. Just google colorism, for example.

All this is not to say there is "some vast and incomprehensible difference" between autistics based on how well they can confirm and mask. The difference is quite comprehensible, and it should be a source of solidarity, not division. We should be able to recognize eachothers needs and how we can support eachother and help those who are more susceptible to violence.

I would also like to note that oppression is not a sliding scale of more oppressed or less oppressed. There are a lot of factors that play into how we are treated, and while the severity of our oppression isnt equal, to just measure based on that is foolhardy because it is a huge spectrum with tons of unique situations. You seem to have at least some grasp on that, since you brought up how autistic people of colors experiences and the experiences of autistic ppl of different genders can be different. These are often large factors in how an autistic person is ultimately treated, but that doesn't mean other factors like a childs ability to conform dont factor in.

And as for OP saying she feels alienated from other autistics, no shit! When you talk about your own unique experiences, experiences that are not often talked about, only for someone to derail it to make it about a broader issue, its disrespectful because it dilutes the point of the post. Yes, our struggles as gifted kids are worth talking about too, but the point of making a specific post about a specific issue is to have a specific discussion around that issue and what we can do. Tacking on "Dont forget about me!" distracts from the important discussion at hand.

Having specialized discussions about a specific aspect of a thing is normal. Its not helpful to try to solve the big picture all at once. You have to take it in bits and pieces, and if someone wants to talk abt a different aspect, great! But it should be its own post.

I have seen this happen countless times. I have seen it happen to OP. Whats worse, Ive seen a lot of posts where not only does someone derail OP, but they then say that her not including them in her original post means she thinks lesser of them, that its an intentional ommission out of malice or bigotry. I cannot speak for op, but I imagine Id feel alienated too if that was constantly happening to me!

I do not see anywhere in this post where OP said late diagnosed, masking autistics are less autistic or less disabled. Those are words you typed out and added to the post. If you think that I or OP saying autistic people who cant mask are treated worse than those who can is the same as saying they are more autistic or more disabled, you need to learn better reading comprehension and check yourself. There is nuance to this discussion that you do not seem to be getting. Please try to consider this in good faith and learn.

On one last note, I am deeply uncomfortable by how you brought up gender in this post. First of all, there was no need to say "females" when you meant to say people brought up as female. Second of all, yes, it is true that autistic diagnostic criteria is built upon white autistic cis boys, and that autistic poc and autistic women are often not diagnosed because of this. But to lump every autistic child into either afabs or amabs is transphobic, inaccurate, and erases the experiences of trans and gnc children. If you can recognize that theres intersectionality between gender, race, and neurodivergency you can recognize that theres intersectionality when a child is trans too. To reduce an autistic child to either "seen as male" or "seen as female" is gross, biologically deterministic, and literal terf rhetoric. You should be ashamed of yourself.

there is a bad toxic part of me that feels petulantly bitterly resentful of certain kinds of autism advocacy online. like, "it's okay if you're late diagnosed, it's okay if you've learned how to mask your traits, you still deserve support :3" stuff. i know it's my problem, because i know many people are genuinely hurting & need to be told this, but i feel like i'm being left out and i just want to bark and growl. i was diagnosed at age 5, i can't mask away the strange offputting parts of my speech patterns and body language, i can barely take care of myself. this is why i snap whenever my neurodiversity posts get noticed by "former gifted kid" type autists, because while you were having unfair expectations placed on you by doting teachers who were proud of your academic accomplishments i was being talked around and talked down to by people who didn't think i could understand them.

i don't actually know what i would want done in order to make me feel more included. im just snapping uselessly at people with different problems than me, it's an issue with me, and i should probably stop.

[soupyspaghetti]

just venting again lmao ignore this

[a-dragons-journal]

i dont "kin for fun" but through tiktok i found out about the whole kin for fun vs actual otherkin... situation ig? im having a really hard time taking it seriously... maybe im just burnt out and bitter from dealing with the worlds current events, and maybe its because on tiktok the only people i saw mad about it were white people, but you're the most reasonable person ive seen talking about it (a lot of other posts have this odd tone that 12 year olds on tiktok saying kin is the worlds greatest opression and it weirds me out) so ig my question is just... why exactly does this matter? why does it matter enough to post about and care about and not just ignore? /gen

Hey! I don’t blame you for being a bit weirded out by it, we’re a weird subculture and we’re well aware of it! xD I appreciate you taking the time to actually look into it past your first knee-jerk reaction, especially considering burnout and the state of things.

I’m not totally sure if you’re asking why otherkinity matters or why the “kin for fun” being wrong matters, so I’ll answer both - they’re pretty well tied together anyway.

The short version:

Otherkinity is an identity. It’s who we are, we can’t choose to pick it up or put it down, and it comes with struggles - though no, ‘kin are not systematically oppressed (though we are pretty badly bullied and, at this point, pushed out of our own words and spaces).

What people calling roleplay/relating to/projecting onto characters “kinning for fun” does is steal our words, make them meaningless, and in doing so, make it difficult or impossible for us to find each other. If someone says “I kin [x],” I no longer know whether they mean “I am [x] on an intrinsic level” or “haha I relate to this character a lot”. I no longer know whether they actually share my experiences or if they’re going to turn on me and call me “crazy” as soon as they realize I’m not exaggerating or joking or roleplaying. It’s done massive harm to the community as a whole because it’s become difficult to tell whether someone is actually ‘kin or if they’ve misunderstood the whole thing - and because antikin rhetoric, which I’m seeing more and more in KFF spaces, hurts far more when it’s coming from inside what you thought was a community space than when it’s coming from self-labeled “antikin.”

There are other words for roleplaying and relating to and projecting onto characters. Hell, there are words for strongly identifying with-but-not-as characters/things, though usually KFF people don’t even seem serious enough for those to fit in my experience. I’m really not sure why these people are so determined to steal and misuse our words, words that were specifically created to mean something else, when they already have their own and are just refusing to use them. (Or, hell, if you don’t feel like those fit, make your own. We did. It’s your turn to put in the work. (General you, not you-the-anon, of course.))

An analogy, if that still doesn’t quite land for you:

Consider, for a moment, the transgender community. I am aware this is a dangerous thing to say, but bear with me. Obvious CW for hypothetical transphobia up ahead is obvious.

Consider if you were part of the trans community (I don’t know if you are or not), having finally found a word to explain why you feel the way you do about yourself, why your experiences don’t seem to match up with those of everyone else around you. Having found a community, a home, full of other people like you, people you never would have met if not for words like “transgender” and “gender dysphoria/euphoria” that were created specifically to describe your experiences.

Now consider if people suddenly stumbled across your community for the first time who were not trans themselves. They see community jokes and lighthearted posts out of context, because Tumblr and Twitter aren’t exactly conducive to making sure people find the Transgender 101 information posts first. They don’t bother to do further research, assuming they understand: ah, these people like to crossdress! They like to pretend they’re a different gender! This seems like a fun hobby, I want in!

They begin to post things like this. They post photos of them crossdressing and caption them “hi, I’m [name], and I trans men!” and things of the like. Suddenly the concept of “transing for fun” seems to be everywhere - and it’s not at all what being trans actually is, but these people either don’t know or don’t care. When actual trans people try to politely correct them, they’re accused of “gatekeeping” - and to be clear, this is not “nonbinary people aren’t real,” it’s “transgender means you identify as a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth, and you’re self-identifying as the gender you were assigned at birth 100% and telling us this is just a fun hobby for you, therefore you’re not trans, you’re crossdressing or doing drag or being GNC. That’s fine, but it’s not being trans - you have other words to describe that, use those.”

(Yes, I am aware these things have a history with the trans community - please just ignore that for the sake of the analogy and bear with me on the slightly simplified version of this. “Kinning for fun” does not have that same history with the otherkin community.)

...And then the response to those attempted corrections, in some corners, turns into “wait, you ACTUALLY think you’re another gender? idk that sounds pretty unhealthy, maybe you should see a psychologist or something :\” and “you’re taking this too seriously.”

I imagine, in this hypothetical scenario, you’d also be pretty fuckin peeved.

(Obviously, in this hypothetical scenario, systematic transphobia would be an issue as well, which isn’t the case for otherkin - again, you’re gonna have to bear with me on the simplification for sake of analogy there.)

(EDIT: this is not an anti-MOGAI/exclusionist argument, this is “you’re literally telling me you don’t fit the definition,” explanation on that here)

The long version, which is probably still worth reading if you have the time and energy:

Otherkinity is... pretty core to who I am, who we as a group of individuals are. We live with being otherkin on a daily basis. Many of us spent a long time feeling different and disconnected and not understanding why until we found the otherkin community. Even people like me, who don’t share that experience and still had social connection - I’ve still had to live with weird differences that I had to learn to mask when necessary; instincts that don’t line up with human society well, feeling body parts that weren’t there and that no one else ever seemed to have, things that other kids grew out of because it was just make-believe for them and I... didn’t, because it was never make-believe for me to begin with. Oh, sure, I played make-believe too - I played warrior cats and house and all those things with the other kids, but there were things that weren’t play-pretend for me too. I didn’t have an explanation for it for a long time - it was just how I was, I was weird, and fortunately for me personally I was okay with that (many of those with species dysphoria or more trouble connecting with humans have more problems from that than I did).

And then I found the word “otherkin.” And suddenly everything fell into place, and I had an explanation for the things I’d been experiencing, and there were other people like me. Something I’d assumed didn’t exist. I found others who shared my unique experiences, who were talking about how to cope with the instinct to growl or snap jaws at people instead of expressing annoyance in a human way instead of just saying “that’s weird, don’t do that”, who were talking about dealing with phantom wings and tails, who understood me. I wasn’t weird, I wasn’t broken, I was exactly what one would expect from a dragon living in human skin. I found an explanation for myself. I found a home.

That is why otherkinity matters - it is who we are, it’s not something we can walk away from (certainly not most of us, anyway), and it’s something many of us need the support of the community to help deal with on a daily basis. Being a nonhuman in human society isn’t always easy, but it’s not something we can just magically stop being - it’s core to who we are, we (generally) didn’t choose to be this way, and we (generally) can’t choose to stop. Which is fine - the vast majority of us can cope with it just fine, with a little advice and help and space to be our authentic selves in. We found each other, we built this community from the ground up to make a space and words to make finding each other easier - or possible at all.

Thus we come to the second half of our story.

It was only a couple of years ago that the “kin for fun” trend started getting big. It had existed before that, of course, but it only started going mainstream two, maybe three years ago, from what I can tell. Suddenly people were treating “kin” like it meant relating to, projecting onto, roleplaying as, or just really really liking a character or thing - not being that thing, which is what it actually means. Not long after that, it became hard to tell whether someone saying “I kin this” meant they were that thing, that they were actually part of our community - or that they really really liked that thing and either didn’t know or couldn’t be bothered to learn that that wasn’t the case for us.

Not long after that, it became relatively commonplace to hear phrases like “otherkin are ruining kinning!!” and “you’re taking this too seriously” and “idk, if it’s that serious for you that sounds unhealthy. maybe you should get some help :\” (all directly quoted, or as exactly quoted as I can remember, from things KFF people have said to me or people I know).

It is a special kind of hell, I think, to be told “you’re taking this too seriously, that’s unhealthy” by people who are taking words created to describe your experiences, not theirs, and misusing them to mean something that you do for fun on a weekend instead of something that’s intrinsic to your being.

Perhaps more importantly, like I’ve said, it’s making it almost impossible to know whether someone who says “I kin [x]” is actually ‘kin or if they’re misusing our words to mean something else entirely. The entire point of words is to communicate ideas, and once you start misusing words to mean something totally different than what they actually mean, that communication falls apart and suddenly we might as well not have those words at all. Especially when the community is small enough and obscure enough that we’re starting to be outnumbered by the misinformation. We’re being run out of our own words, words we created to describe our experiences specifically - because we’re a small community that the wider internet can easily drown out by sheer numbers of people who either don’t know any better or don’t care to learn.

That’s the harm it does - the harm it is doing, right now. That’s why it’s important enough to post about. That’s why it matters - because we’re fighting desperately to hang onto our own words so that others like us can actually find us. Because we’re seeing young nonhumans go “this isn’t a kin, I actually am this” and screaming “No, I’m so sorry that this is what the misinformation has done to you, that’s exactly what otherkin means, you have a place here, please don’t let these non-’kin misusing our words drive you away from the very community you’re looking for and that you belong in.” Because we can’t even communicate effectively about our own experiences anymore except in semi-closed spaces like Discord servers and forums (and the number of Discord servers overrun with KFF people is absurd).

......This got very long. Hopefully it at least explained why it matters so much to me and others a bit better ^^; Thanks for hearing me out, and thank you again for looking into this beyond your initial knee-jerk reaction - I really do appreciate it.

(For further reading, if that text wall didn’t blow you out of the water completely, I recommend my “kin for fun” tag, which has more posts like this in both short and long form.)

[aurora-daily]

AURORA’s Reddit Q&A (July 13th 2021)

Kmilalv: Hello aurora we love you, I'm @ aurora.s_love on instagram ✨✨🥰🥰🧚‍♀️🧚‍♀️ Aurora: oh hellooo!!!! Exportmusic: Meep Aurora: meep < 3 Lisxnne: WELL HELLO AND THANKS FOR YOUR NEW SONG! 🙏🌟💕 Aurora: HELLO!! and thank you for being open to it 24681357900: Thank u for making music Aurora: thank you for inviting it into your heart Emergency-Club-7529: This is have some upper case , it's the real Aurora Aurora: yes!!! Helloooooo brunamombach: hello ✨🃏🧚🏻‍♂️🤘🍇🍄🧚🏻‍♀️ when are you coming do Brazil? so glad to see you here!!! Aurora: I think I will be coming to Brazil next year  I love being in Brazil because I feel like it awakens my heart and soul to be there !! Brunamombach: if you were going to an souless island, what book would you bring with you? 🧚🏻‍♂️🍇🍄🧚🏻‍♀️🤘🃏 kisses from Brazil Aurora: I would either take: "The name of the wind" and "a Wise mans fear" or the LOTR trilogy. Or the "Mistborn" trilogy. or "warbreaker" or "the good omens" or "the ocean at the end of the lane" or "Anne of Green gables" or "The alchemist" or just all the books in the world oh no I cant decide

all DanParis: Hey have some karma you cool bean 🤌🏼 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 Aurora: thank you < 3 Ok-Estimate8468: Tell us something you can tell us about the second track on the Cure For Me vinyl, “Potion For Love”. I'm very curious...

Aurora: its the song I decided for the B-side of the vinyl, and I will probably release it digitally one day too. Its the sister song to "exist for love" but from the other perspective. where love does not fill you up, but love has left a big hole within you < / 3 Ok-Estimate8468: Did you get a lot of unfollows and hate from bad people due to Cure For Me? Aurora: I got a little hate from homophobes, and also abelist, and racist comments from people claiming there was nothing wrong with their mindset. BUT it does not bother me. and I will never stop speaking up about the things I find important. because.. what else would our meaning on this earth be? if that makes sense. Some people have attacked me personally, but sadly mostly its people defending their own hateful ways of being. I cant even imagine how it really is to be a victim of racism or violent homophobia, so I feel like the least I can do is to try the best I can to show support. and speak up. and be an ally.

So a bit more short - yes, and I really dont mind!!!! unfollow me if you find speaking about equality and the right to live, and love and be loved unsettling <3 thank you for this question! Ok-Estimate8468: How was the process of creating the studio version of Cure For Me? I heard your first acoustic performance and saw that it's much smoother than the studio, so I was curious to see how you managed to create another even more amazing version. Aurora: Me and Magnus just played around, and we really tried to go with our emotions, and to be playful and to not think too much about what was "AURORA" or what was even...pretty! we just laughed! and danced! and did what felt lovely to us.

I think this is why the making of this song is one of my favourite memories, and also I think that is why it sounds so playful! because it is!! it was like playing a game. and I did also play alot around with symbolics in both the lyrics and the way this song is produced. it all has a meaning you see... but of course I will let you figure that out yourself!!

Pingouiin_: What's your favourite mountain around bergen ? Aurora: mine is Løvstakken!! and Magnus loves Ullrikken!! but important to NEVER stop a Norwegian person walking on the mountain. just say. a quick hello and wander off your own mind. become at one with nature Whoamiandallthat: Thank you for existing, I love your art and you inspire me so much 💙 You are one of my favorite artists 😊 And just the other day I found out that you are just two years older than me, and so successful... I'm wondering how it was for you to become so popular, did you feel like people thought you needed a cure? I'm also in the sphere of arts - filmmaking; but I feel like my films are not good enough... I have a YouTube channel with some videos - if you ever see this comment I would like for you to check it out 😊 Aurora: Ive felt through my life like something was a little off, ive never resonated that much with the people or the "system" around me! it didn't bother me so much even though I. was teased a lot for it ( so again I was very lucky) but I never felt like I understood the world and my place in it. or how I. could fit in, in this worlds society and with other people ! and becoming "famous" which I dont really feel that I am, but I guess that I am a little "known" (meep) was very strange, and very hard to handle at first. as impressions affect me a lot, and noises and people etc. but with time I got better at handling all these impressions, and avoid getting a.. sensory overload! and I am so happy now, that I can look directly at strangers and actually listen to them, and understand them, and even love them I guess what I am trying to say, that ive now understood that this is the very thing that connected me to all of you. and now I see my place here on this earth. and I see all of you, and you give my life so much meaning!! Lets_Fight_Dragons: Firstly I wanted to say I recently discovered your music and I love everything about it. I have two questions, I hope that’s ok 1. How do you start writing songs because I’m trying to get into songwriting and I’m not sure how you write such amazing songs 2. What’s your favourite song you’ve released? Aurora: 1. well I dont really know. ( I am sorry!!) but I feel like it started really natural for me.. I. kind of just sat down with my piano.. and then I started playing around with the Keyes, and I figured out I could make an endless amount of melodies by simply pressing the keys in a different order!! remember finding this extremely magical (I was around 6 years old then) and after a while I started adding lyrics, and I just spent time looking into myself, trying to figure out. - what do I want to say? what do. I need to hear in a song? what do the world need to hear in a song? and etc. I always think about songwriting as storytelling. and I always start out by figuring out what story I want to tell, what matter I want to dress, or what pleases me, or annoys me with the world, or what emotion I need help dealing with!! and then I write a song!!! and if you feel like its difficult to come up with melodies, I would recommend finding a song you like, and learn the chords of it (or find an instrumental version. online) and then you make your own melodies on top of that! many of the songs of the world share the same chords, and often the melodies on top is the thing separating them. music belongs to all of us, and its clear that every song in the world comes from the same magical source. 2. I think its the seed. or couples creatures!! or infections of a different kind!! tiffnoir: Our dear AURORA, your b-side A Potion For Love is helping me a lot (broken heart since a few days ago). I wanted to ask (if I can haha) if would it be included at the upcoming album, or maybe a relaxing, vintage video for it? Thanks for helping all of us with your music ^_^ Aurora: thank you som much for letting this song into your heart  after writing exist for love, I figured that I should also make a sister-song that could belong for the ones with a broken heart as well  it will not be on the album, but for you I will try to put it on the deluxe version FedahpWithThisWurld: Hello, Aurora! I'm a neurodivergent person and I have always felt a lot of shame over being the way I am, like I'm not good enough. Your music makes me feel better and it makes me feel that being me is okay. Thank you for that.  I want to know how you manage to be so confident? Do you ever get nervous before a show? Aurora: hello!!!! I have had a lot of similar experiences with myself in this world too.. so I am very sad to hear you've lived your life with this feeling I think after a while I understood what makes me different also makes me special. and special is good. and if you think about it, special isn't even that different, because in one way or another we are all... unique. but of course, some people have had to fight their. way through life more than others.. making it less easy to learn how to love yourself. and accept yourself. I guess, now I've surrounded myself with good people who understand my quirks and sensitivities, people who give me time. and space to be me. I have also been lucky, because I have a family that have always encouraged me to be myself. and to love myself. and I guess that is why I am trying to convey to all of you now, because now we are like al little family. where being who you are - is cool. and you're cool. and were all cool. and I get nervous all the time, of all sorts of things! but I just accept that feeling as a part of being human. its uncomfortable yes, but I know at least it won't kill me! 3charmplease: What was it like recording for Frozen? Aurora: it was magical  and also slightly scary. but it felt safe and good calling at the mountains. and I feel warm thinking about it. especially now. cause my father just walked over to me with five little strawberries in his hand. he gave them all to me. and they were so small, and sweet. im currently sitting in my childhood home, right next to the very piano where I wrote "runaway" and so many other songs. Tiny-Sink-2397: Boom shake shake shake the room Aurora: that was actually during the recording process of Cure For Me! Tiny-Sink-2397: I thought it was!! Seemed like an epic party Aurora: YES Joelynxyzs: what's your favorite movie ? Aurora: Practical magic BUT ALSO THESE: The LOTR triology ALL GHIBLI MOVIES avatar once upon a time in Hollywood Hannah the perfume fantastic MR. fox Star Wars: a new hope rouge one isle of dogs the hunchback of Notre dame! the arrival stypop: If you were to get the chance to work on a sequel to another Disney movie, which one would you want it to be? Aurora: since Disney owns Lucas films I would love to be a part of the Star Wars universe  or to play either a magical fairy, witch mermaid, forest nymph, or a scary beast!! WE WO brisot: The masks in CFM remind me of theater plays, do you ever watch any and how much of an influence for you is the art of acting? Aurora: this era of my life is very influenced by the ancient times where theatre was all they had. no CGI or special effects etc. and I really wanted all these videos to feel very authentic, and down to earth! The shell in "exist for love" was handmade by someone, and I painted all the masks in "cure for me" myself! so I like it when it feels... human Clear-Champion-1833: i love you Aurora:

<3

Jicuhrabbitkim: How do you like your fried eggs cook!! I like it when its very crispy!! Aurora: as long as its from a local farm that has free healthy chickens that walk about freely and eat good food I like my eggs crispy too. GhostReaper3: Hi I have a question as well: How do you keep positive? Many people including myself find this difficult sometimes so it would be good to hear your technique or way of keeping upbeat and positive! Also, thank you for sharing your music with us! Aurora: I know what you mean, i've struggled with it myself at times. but I guess I tried separating in my mind what I can do something about, and what I cant? if that makes sense?? we are all just here on this planet. and though we all seem to be going though the same things we still feel so alone, in our thoughts and in our minds. And I've been very aware that with music, and with this fandom we can all finally connect, and see each other, and know that we are not alone! and if there is one thing I love, it is to dance a little after I've cried. I think its important to. shake these emotions out of our body. like animals do! and then I made CURE FOR ME. because I thought about all the warriors out there feeling. a little crazy... after isolation! or after being depressed! and being l rocked in with their families that might not accept them for who they are.. and I thought I needed to make a song for us all, that felt a little uplifting. and uniting. just so we know where not alone, and just so we know that we are worthy.. of everything! and that we are worthy of celebrating ourselves!! ALWAYS! aniri003: Were the dancers freestyling in the last part of the video Aurora: YES! I told them to put their freak game on. And they were amazing. L_pls_use_revive: Hei Aurora! Apart from inspiring me with your music for emotional people, I also dicovered my love for Norway and the Norwegian language through you - now studying it in my second year at university. Tusen, tusen takk! I want to visit soon when traveling is safe - So which place should I not miss out on? Have a great life! Aurora: I think the whole of Norway is worth visiting! there are so many beautiful places. and beautiful people! I would ofc. recommend Bergen! (haha!) but also places like Tromsø, Trondheim, Stavanger, lofted and The Geirangerfjord and the Northwest!!! HAHA KakSetoKaiba: How's the progress of the album that you've been preparing which will be released after your death? Aurora: its going well, I take one song for every chapter and I put it on my death album instead of the album I'm making  its going well. and im excited about it! maria_fernandez_: This is not a question but I just wanted to tell you that discovering you and your music has been the best thing that ever happened to me. What your music makes me feel cannot be described in words. I love you so much. Greetings from Spain!! Aurora: thank you!!! applepieaurora: Whats your favorite pie? 🐉 Aurora: apple pie  and blueberry pie!! Ok-Potato7244: Thanks for sharing your time ... a warrior here to welcome you...Have some tea...And i don't need a cure for disliking keeping animals in cages...Especially birds...💚... Aurora: thank you pekaraseva: what do you feel when you perform Ioadk or Adkoh for people? Aurora: I feel so full of emotion and love and despair I could almost explode  and its wonderful. I also feel insanely connected to the audience when I sing these songs.. I. think. its because they are such important pieces of my soul targaryenblood02: omg what do you think cure for me would smell like? 🐛 Aurora: like something Brazilian! like Asai! or caipirinha! or Brigadeiro!

sproutingephemeral: Hello Aurora, Thanks for your new song, I've gotten quite addicted to it😊 I have a question that might be a bit difficult to answer. I am a Warrior from the U.S. currently without a clue of where I should be and what I should be doing. I'm done with school, and in the process of moving to a new town with my parents. I'm applying for jobs, but I feel like I can't find my reason for being in a smaller area with not many people my age. I feel like my parents are trying to mold me into a certain person, which doesn't feel authentic to me. I probably should be making more of my own decisions at my age, but I'm a bit scared and confused, if what I think is deemed too unrealistic or out of line with their expectations for me (like a childhood dream?). I tried talking to them about it, to little success. Is there something inherently wrong with me? Or am I just being spoiled or lazy? I read about how you were initially opposed to starting your career until your mother convinced you to change your mind. How do you know whether or not to trust in your parents' plans for you? On a lighter note, do you prefer cookies that are more soft (chewy) or hard (crumbly)? I don't need a cure for...my autism, and tendency to talk regularly to my deceased cat at his grave (??)😿👼 Looking forward to seeing you in New York! Take care❤❤ Aurora: you should ALWAYS. only do what feels right for you. this world is very absurd, and people tend to think they know what is meaningful and what is important. but we all know, money and success isn't important beyond what you need to simply survive. this one life is yours. and you should be just who you want. and do what feels right for you. because its yours. its only yours. drink tea. work hard. be lazy. dance. be shy. laugh, cry. drink wine and eat good bread. be good. fight for something you care about. and either live for your work, or work a little and then just... live. get a garden, grow tomatoes, get a cat. or a dog. or a parrot. life can be so random, and it can be both so little, and so large at the same time. some days were meant to TAKE chances, and live. and sometimes were just meant to exist. and do nothing. you should never feel guilty for not "being enough" because you are enough. just who you are. just how you are. is enough. good luck on your strange journey my warrior, maybe our paths crosses and maybe they dont. but know, when you walk out of your door, that anything can happen! and the whole world is yours. Hippolyte_gray: is the name of the next album hidden in your previous songs ? Aurora: mayyyyyybeeeeeeeee rashadalt: what do you think about your fans who are racist/homophobic etc.? Aurora: I feel sorry for them. because I know I cant be easy l living a life so full of hate. and even spending your precious. time on this world bringing other people down. and I know how easy it is for people to be driven by fear, and how difficult. it can be to have an original meaning and stand up for what you really mean. so I dont judge them, or hate them,

but I do feel sorry for them. and I am also very disappointed in them. because its such a. waste of human potential to live your life in the paths of hatred.

but as long as we face hate with love, we will eventually win. when we show them. we are not the enemy, just people trying to make a better world, I think, and I hope that eventually we can all agree that being able to live, and being able to love is a human right. Brivera726: I noticed you said you would bring LOTR trilogy with you to an island- I’m reading them for the fourth time right now  I feel like if Galadriel sing songs it would sound like you! Anyway I really like your art so yah just keep doing u- love from PFC Rivera, USMC Aurora: this is then est thing ive ever read thank you Aurora: I am. sorry people, but my time here (for tonight) is up </3 but I will probably be back looking at your questions and thoughts because I did really. enjoy this. and I. love you all so. much.

[link]

[sakuatsu]

YELL 2 ME ABT SAKUATSU FIC RECS PLS

oh boy. oh boy do i have much to talk about

here’s a list of my sakuatsu must-reads under the cut! complete with links, word count, ratings, and occasional commentary because i’m incapable of shutting up. this isn’t in any particular order either 

(keeping this sfw and organized into canonverse/AUs. a * means i am on my hands and knees begging for you to read this)  

i’ll try to update this somewhat regularly :]

most recently updated august 25, 2020!

canonverse:

*your highs and lows (series) by astroeulogy 

a post-time skip canonverse series born from these two questions:

1. what if sakusa kiyoomi, known too-blunt jerk, is equally straightforward about his soft, tender feelings?

2. what if miya atsumu, resident big fat jerk who doesn't care if his teammates hate him, is too emotionally stunted to notice when his one of his teammates actually likes him?

this is like the sakuatsu series but it’s blasphemous to not recommend. the first fic in the series is all that you were (4.6k, T). mind the ratings on a few of the fics, but my personal favorite is #3: a masterpiece of domesticity called you have tamed me (5.7k, T). these make me ACHE 

*sakuatsu domesticity simulator by pseudoanalytics (T)

a vaguely interactive mixture of fic, art, and html, where you too can experience the inherent romance of a big fat jerk and a too-blunt jerk attempting intimacy

this fic...this fic...op is literally one of my favorite artists of all time but Did You Know that their writing is also off the charts. what a wonderful use of second person and the pacing is so good. too much skill in one person 

*The MSBY Black Jackals Read Thirst Tweets by isaksara (11.4k, M)

Sakusa’s eyes are very dark naturally, sucking in all surrounding rays of light and crushing them in his pupils. For an athlete, he is rather pale. His lips look very pink in comparison. Atsumu is suddenly catastrophically aware that in this instance, ‘accent’ is a euphemism. “Good enough for your Olympic-size ego, Miya?”

(In which Atsumu realizes that he is attracted to Sakusa Kiyoomi in the most inconvenient way possible.)

i think this is the fic that got me into sakuatsu in the first place lol i was looking very specifically for msby socmed fics and now here we are. this fic is unbelievably funny

*liminal spaces by hhatsuna (25.9k, T)

Fuck you, Atsumu thinks, pointing at the pixelated Sakusa in the grainy team photo on his bedside table.

It’s easier than you’d think to ignore loving your teammate.

*Better For Us Both by abrandnewheart (15.7k, M)

Where “You already make me the happiest guy alive, babe," gives way to, “I’ve not been happy for a while now.”

Alternatively known as the ‘mug fic’.

yes this is a breakup fic. yes im going to recommend it anyway. breakup fics usually scare me a lot but this one is too good for me to not say anything about. nuanced and delicious. i look at the mug on my desk and feel pain

dog eat dog eat dog world by perennials (8.4k, T)

You are your first and only line of defense against the universe.

Koi no Yokan; 恋の予感 by ymra (15.3k, unrated)

Wherein Sakusa dreams of his future selves and discovers a little something along the way.

autumn ends, but we remain by wolfsbvne (5.3k, T)

atsumu stares at his ceiling at 2am. he stares until he can make out designs in his popcorn ceiling. a cat there, an onigiri here, and then something that suspiciously looks like a mop of hair, triangle eyebrows, and oh those two bumps are moles right above what atsumu just mapped out as an eye.

(or, atsumu is in kind of in love. sakusa is maybe in like.)

your fingertips, branding irons by Ceryna (5.8k, T)

Between the accidental touches he's reconciled, the deliberate ones he's endured, and, from those he's built years of trust with, obliged– Kiyoomi has never wanted to let someone indulge.

Never, until Atsumu.

take what’s yours and make it mine by claudusdiei (5.9k, T)

atsumu falls in love four times in his life

(or: in which atsumu gets his heart broken twice, has the self-awareness of a sober mule and really likes yellow tulips)

every action has an equal and opposite reaction by akanemnida (10.4k, T)

Miya Atsumu gets a modeling contract with Calvin Klein, which sets Kiyoomi's heart in motion.

(Or: Sakusa Kiyoomi realizes that the rules governing the universe are absolute rubbish at explaining matters of the heart.)

*where i want to be by tookumade (8.8k, G)

In the time they’ve been teammates at the MSBY Black Jackals, Sakusa has never been to Atsumu’s place, and Atsumu has only been to Sakusa’s a few times. There’s an unspoken understanding here: that Atsumu knows him well enough to know that nobody’s house or apartment would ever really meet his ridiculously high standards, and he is most comfortable in the home he’s made for himself.

That, and, Atsumu being over at Sakusa’s means that he has to host him and do the cleaning afterwards, while Atsumu can just flit off back to his own place. So. There’s that.

Tonight. Tonight is not business as usual. Tonight is not familiar.

*san'yō expressway, 6:17 pm by yamabato (8.1k, T)

Atsumu tilts his head to watch a slice of orange light bend over the impassive planes of Sakusa’s face. He is absolutely, ruthlessly beautiful. It makes Atsumu want to punch something—put his foot through the windshield—scream, maybe.

Kiss him again, maybe.

They have 344 kilometers to figure this one out.

parallax error: angle of inclination by min_mintobe (10.8k, T)

But now there's the one person Atsumu'd promised himself never to touch. His eyes leave Atsumu breathless with guilt at seventeen, and he spends the next six years safe in the satisfaction of making things right.

Feelings, of the physical kind, and one kiss.

ft. competitive spirit, childishness, and late night conversations.

Atsumu POV.

four leaf clover by vicari_us (5.9k, T)

Once, Ushijima claimed that they ‘got lucky’. If properly honed, their body types could become near invincible weapons.

However, unlike Ushijima, Kiyoomi’s weapon required a bit more care over the years to reach the condition it had become. He was born iron, not yet forged into steel.

Exploring what it might have taken to turn a genetic mistake into an athletic miracle.

*the 28 postcards you left me by wheelspokes (8.3k, T)

Atsumu takes texting your ex to a new level by sending Sakusa postcards in Animal Crossing instead.

such a unique premise & this is so beautifully structured. stunning flow and who knew animal crossing could convey so much longing...

AUs:

Pas De Deux by hhatsuna (dancer!sakusa au: 19.0k, T)

The mystery athlete gives Kiyoomi a once over in the mirror. “Yer pretty tall,” he observes, and the twang of an accent rasps low in his throat. His brazen eyes drift to Kiyoomi’s legs, and something like exhilaration glints gold in his gaze. “Good quads, too. Ya ever played volleyball?” Ah. So it’s volleyball.

“I’m a dancer. Ballet and contemporary, mostly.”

*my love, take your time by bastigod (archaeologist!sakusa au: 9.0k, T)

There was something sublime about wandering around an empty museum. Nothing could compare to the sound of his shoes clacking against the marble floor, the morning sunlight gently streaming through the lofty windows and the peaceful solitude of ancient stone kings overseeing their silent kingdoms.

A day in the life of Doctor Kiyoomi Sakusa, Archaeologist.

i’ve literally been thinking about this fic every day since it came out. you will not find a story like this anywhere else, i guarantee you. what a clear labor of love this fic is it’s truly something so special 

three roses and a smile by strawberrycitrus (surgeon!sakusa & microbiologist!atsumu au: 19.7k, T)

“I just got this job, I’m not givin’ it up for some moral boost ‘cause I actually need to pay my rent, ya insensitive -” Atsumu waves his hands around, trying and failing to come up with the right word to convey the amount of injustice that this gaunt motherfucker has brought into his relatively simple life thus far.

“If you can’t pay your rent, go get a job at the McDonald’s over by 8th Street,” Sakusa growls, “it’ll pay more than your researcher position.”

If you even attempt assault on a coworker, forget teaching about cells - you’ll fucking be in one, Atsumu.

*Dance of the Parallax by astroeulogy (ogre spirit!sakusa au: 6.7k, T)

For the last twenty years, Atsumu’s done all that he can to break his betrothal to the ogre spirit Sakusa. If he can just make it through one more night, he’ll be free.

honestly, just read everything by astroeulogy. i’m recommending this fic in particular because it has such an ethereal voice to it. magical

across oceans, across centuries by starstrikes (pacific rim au: 20.0k, T)

Six days ago, Osamu died and left Atsumu with this: Atsumu, you have to—

(Namikira rises with the tides and rips Osamu and Vulpis Empress away in one fell swoop. Six days later, Atsumu wakes up alone in a hospital bed and learns how to swim.)

you don’t actually need to know pacrim to appreciate this. a wonderful exploration of grief and recovery. also it’s exactly 20k words which is both satisfying and terrifying 

*Notte Stellata by awkwardedgeworth (ice skating/dancing au: 20.8k, T)

"Your partner doesn't need to hold anyone's hand other than yours," Sakusa's father crouches, "And you can wear gloves."

Sakusa ponders. He hears the other skaters of rink two whiz past as they launch themselves into lifts.

"Alright," He looks up from the ice, not knowing how he'll dedicate the next couple of decades to this sport, this partnership, this boy.

what a stunning fic. a beautiful progression of sakusa & atsumu’s relationship, rife with references to real skating programs, beautifully written and structured. so full of longing i’m in mild physical pain

[maskedjoker]

We are getting really close to the scene in lost fragment of snow that was genuinely confusing in the book, and it's the scene were everyone in the circus is killed. I think what we will probably get is a scene were mana finally ends up giving into despair after he is hit and then allen is fed to a lion.

I think that with more current info, i can say for sure that sleeve earl and mana are a hybird. This will likely cause a resurgence of sleeve earl into taking over the body and becoming whole. This only lasts for a short time however and when cross confronts him after the rest of the circus has died from the audience turning into akuma(which i suppose are implied to be constantly just around the earl and is probably one of the many reasons cross warned Allen to stay away) some exchange of words or damage causes a lots of control. This damage however also hurts mana(or potentially just being forced out off control) causing him to loose even more memories as seen when mana and Allen reunite the next day.

Now i think we can agree that sleeve earl exists as a third entity, especially since her recent art exhibit interview, as she talked about the suit being a super sophisticated golem. I think in this case as with tim and lero yhat "golem" refers to AI. Id argue with the weird phrasing like helix of life and all the biotech style that magic is more often than not just more advanced technology, and wherever the noahs came from likely was, hence why they say they only seem strong because we have become so weak. This is only further shown with innocences resemblance to machines like its gear like parts and percentage resonance.

The noah memories in general i think are some kind of AI that passes through generation lines, carrying significant portions of its past forward and then fusing with a similar person in their lineage. For example early on road would have been just road, then through some means either became an AI(or was given a piece of someone that counts as one under golem, its unclear). Regardless once connected to the noah memory, it acts like a save file and becomes more sophisticated with time. It carries each life and gives all those memories, feelings and drives to a new body. So new road would remember being road, her life and everything, but also the life they had been living up until the two combined. Over time the noah memory keeps getting larger and larger to the point new experiences are so small, relatively speaking, that it overrides much more than normal. Since they are fuzed as one being they likely cant be separated without mutually assured destruction, were the current entity will die and any remains will not be the origionals, if anything remains at all. An example of this is that tyki could not be made human by Allen I their fight i the arc, despite having a blade that should destroy only part of him. Admittedly tyki is a special case though, and more tyki backstory is needed.

Changes from body to body become more subtle, but the base, which likely has a distinct core function as seen by its response to certain tasks and ideas, remains a strong aspect. This creates an almost reincarnation like effect for them, needing to only find a new body to continue.

The suit is like this, but different. I don't know how the original earl split, but i do think that some aspect of him was placed on the suit. I would like to say its the original version of the noah memories of the earl and nea got like a brand new copy, but i actually have no idea what memories he has of being past earl so its mostly a guess. Regardless the noah actually all seem to transform in some way when they get mega pissed. Im looking at you skinn, jasdevi, and tyki/joyd. So the suit is likely that kind of thing, but way more distinct and capable of acting autonomously. Since they all have different forms it makes sense that his would also be unique. They all probably represent some inner desire related to their memory. Skinn is just rage so big angry man works fine. Jasdero and devit are bonds so they want most to be one. Tyki got all fucked up before he changed so i got nothing, but it had a heavy does of sadism, which I guess is pleasure? Taking into account that killing in horrible graphic ways is his guilty pleasure it kinda makes sense.

So because of that, this sentient AI is constantly trying to pair with half a fucking brain because nea and mana only share one brain cell. Some kind of resistance from mana or strain causes him to constantly fall ill or comatose. Now to be clear on naming, sleeve earl does not refer to themselves as adam in the mirror scene nor does he refer to mana as adam, and only uses "we" when talking to mana about being the earl. Oddly enough the earls self pronouns are we, using wagashi which is kind of like the japanese equivalent of the royal we used in europe for the entirety of the series. For the record, mana in the flashbacks uses male or single they pronouns, i don't remember if he uses boku or watashi, but he uses at least one if not both.

So from this it seems millennium earl is a title, used by whatever is paired with the suit. Adam is the original name of the noah, and is the preferred name of the current earl aside from the title.

This circumstance was likely caused by the rest of the noah, who are using the earl for something related by the pillar. His separation either by accident or by intent was likely by the hands of his family trying to keep control for their ends. This is why the current earl is called a broken puppet and has so many things around him related to acting and stage plays. He is playing a role, the red clown to allens white clown as stated in the ark arc. He even wears a mask. His memories and mind have been damaged though, therefore broken. However broken puppet for both allen and the earl could also refer to a puppet that doesnt work as a double meaning, implying they can no longer be controlled or puppeted.

It is also implied that he is still unaware of this betrayal, but it is likely nea does to some degree as it would explain why he became a traitor and killed his own family. To be clear, i dont think all of the noah know everything, and i dont think they dont actually care for the earl. It seems they still genuinely follow him to their death and see him as one of their own, especially in cases like road, tyki and wisely.

Now early i said that different generations of noah would cope woth reincarnating differently. Since the earl only died once before 7000 years ago, id say resetting to a new body with only 17 years would be just smashed flat by any algorithm with that much data. However manas feelings are still the newest, and so still have an impact even on the current earl.

Now we come to resurrecting mana. How? Why? Well i dont know. But my guess is whatever part was the memories of mana for the 20 or so years he lived, or at least his memories at death, are in allen. His curse and weird hallucinations of mana seem to suggest it. Alternatively that part of his soul may have passed on, or it fuzed with the noah memory making the origional mana part of the hive and much like tyki and his noah memories cannot be seperated. Not good regardless.

As two additional things, i want to mention that hoshino is a twin and has always been obsessed with it, so having twins in her book was inevitable. What is extra weird is hoshino was actually going to be a triplet, but either her or her sister absorbed it before birth. She has mentioned it in dgm interviews and i cant PROVE it translates to anything in the plot but its suspicious. She also still list mana, nea and the earl as distinct in every book up to date in extra novels and at the start of her books. Oh and her favorite hat for the earl right now? The one featured on the most recent chapter? Has two faces on the front that are visible, and one in the back thats hidden, and the most recent art has the back face as the only one visible, angrily staring allen down. Great art foreshadowing if im right. Its also usually sleeve earl, if not exclusively, that wear it.

The second thing is mana talking about love and drive in the most recent chapter just brings up the earl having the noah memory of love or devotion or something for me. Ive written about it before but it just seems to fit. This character is all about that from the ability to fuze loved ones together to the hearts he talks with and his drives being based on grand acts of devotion, being by their side etc. Mana also loved and adopted both and dog and a homeless child and keeps talking about how the world is so beautiful despite all the bad. The earl literally acts like the whole noah clans mom by his own words and cooks for them, and both of them go out of their way to be cartoony to break tension. The earl literally goes and buys a single red rose from a poor girl while tyki pontificate on how he doesnt act like a villain. He doesnt take an umbrella because he wants to feel the rain. He talks about how what he does is in human nature and requires a connection between two people. He is even designed with his ideal colors as red and purple with white, as well as being designed after flowers. I know this probably doesnt make sense, but its stuck in my head.

[fipindustries]

Mouth Dreams analysis

MOUTH DREAMS

I dont even need to introduce to you the marvelous mash up works of neil cicierega’s mouth trilogy (now quadrilogy i guess). We all know them, we all love them and we all have our own interpretations of what they mean. For some merely musical shitposting, for others clever experimentation laden with phrases, leivmotifs and themes repeating here and there, and for many a deep and rich bounty of lore, hidden messages, subtextual stories and underlying narratives implied across multiple variations of all star, hidden in the meta data and uncovered only after doing spectrographic analysis on the soundwaves of the songs after being played at x0.000003 times the speed. It is usually understood that all the albums together form a unique and rich tapestry, a coherent whole that can be understood in its totality. Im not here to do that.

I came up with my own interpretation of what Mouth Dreams can be read as, independent from the other albums. Think of it as me presenting this entry as the soundtrack of a musical with its own self contained story. It is the interpretation that i chose to go by and i hope its understood the brilliance of these albums lies on how weird and vague and open ended they are such that any number of different readings can be extracted from them. So lets see the one i extracted, without further ado, lets begin.

Yahoo

It is an out of context, in media res, start for the whole story. We hear a voice, echoing in the void, yelling at the top of its lungs, reaching desperately for human conection. One form of looking at this song is that the voice only receives an empty response from its own echoes, but i dont take it like that. The song is too sublime and too beautiful for these, the notes soaring too high, the desperate plead is being answered. Someone is listening to the plead and answering right back, harmonizing.

This whole album is in a way that howl, reaching to others, and we the audience are answering back, listening. But also on another level, this whole album is the protagonist telling the tragic story of his own life to some sympathetic figure who wants to help, perhaps a therapist, perhaps a friend, perhaps a partner, we’ll see. And as the yelling subsides the story starts proper.

Mouth dreams (intro)

We are being slowly taken into the story, entering the psyche of the main character, entering their subconscious, their dreams, their memories and therefore, their past. We’ll see what life they led and how they ended up where they are now and we start right at his infancy with….

Spongerock

Spongebob is a great indicator that we are seeing this person’s early childhood. They seem to be a rambunctious and energetic child. Cheerful and enthusiastic, yet there seems to be some underlying aggression there. The music is a bit to strong, and in comes freddy mercury berating the poor kid “you’ve got mud on your face, you big disgrace”. Who is this entity being so hostile to a poor kid? What lies beneath that image of a happy kid? We are about to see on the next song.

Just a baby

This is where trouble starts. We are treated to a dramatic song about a poor young baby who seems to be having a pretty sad life. Justin bieber, former teen idol, keeps lamenting about the poor baby being stuck in baby jail. This song is very much about loss of innocence. A shadowy figure of the mother is introduced who tells the protagonist to be a good boy. And almost at the end of the song we get a suggestion of what’s so wrong on this poor kid’s life. His mother apparently “shot a man in reno”. We dont know if this is a literal thing the mother did or if this is a metaphor for the mother doing something horrible, commiting some crime, harming someone in some way. While its not clarified we see strong hints of what the mother could have done in the next song

Superkiller

As we worry what may be so wrong with this kid’s mother we come across the title for this song, ominous. Now in the original Psycho killer the killer was clearly the singer, but in here the song is twisted and turned a bit, recontextualized by the beats of “cant touch this”. It seems like this time is the singer the one who doesnt want to be touched by some nefarious figure (the mother? Is the mother a psycho killer?) maybe the kid saw the mother killing people “i dont like people when they’re on fire”. whatever the case might be the kid is clearly strung up and under a lot of stress and we are introduced to the first hint of the insomnia that will plague this persons life who cant sleep because “my bed’s on fire”. The horrible situation in which this kid is living is taking a severe toll on their mental health. How is he going to cope with this?

Get happy

I think everyone can agree that “come on get happy” is incredibly unnerving when mindlessly repeated over and over. A first read might suggest the kid is forced to put on a happy face, to pretend that there is nothing wrong going on with their life. But as the song progresses it could also be interpreted as the kid being tempted to find refuge from the horror by unsavory methods “get happy” as in acquire happiness of a forced and artificial kind, perhaps drugs. But also “we’ll make you happy”. The kid is not running into a rabbit hole on their own, they are being invited. Its possible that the kid is being seduced by a bad crowd to move into seedy circles as an escape from their life.

Ribs

In here we see the kid, probably a young teenager by this point as suggested by the use of marylin manson in this song, falling deep into debauchery. The specific kind is not needed to know, it could be drugs, it could be sexual experimentation, it could be criminality. Point is this is unhealthy and dangerous and depraved, emphasized by the title of the song “ribs” as a reference to the rumor that marilyn manson removed two of his ribs in order to perform autofellatio. Whatever the case it clearly works, the song is actually a great bop, energetic and upbeat, the kid is content with the situation, at least for a while…

My mouth

This song is the coming down from the high. In here we see at full blast how the life of depravity on the one side and their situation at home on the other have turned the character into a hardcore insomniac, their health is severy compromised “My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed

Dried up and bulging out my skull”. Another way to read this song is as we momentarily cutting back to the present. After all, what we have been seeing until now has been dreams/memories and this is a short look at the wreck that the person is as a grown up, stirring awake from their memories and trying desperately to forget or to go back to sleep where they can have a reprieve. As evidenced by the next song

Aerolong

I dont wanna miss a thing is completely turned on its head. As the lyrics clearly demonstrate is the protagonist who cant go to sleep being chased by their memories, specifically the memories of their mother “I don't miss you, babe, and I do want to miss a thing”. As the person is tossing and turning on their bed, unable to sleep they talk about how they dont miss their mother at all and they want to “miss” her as in they want to forget her.

Sleepin’

The character is constantly speaking about how they are “sleeping with their clothes on” this is due to them falling asleep during their everyday life because of their lack of sleep every night, this person is barely functional, their sleep schedule is broken. Also since this song is about the character actually sleeping it also works as a bridge back into their dreams and so into their past.

Aammoorree

Is another vignette about the character sinking into disreputable states in order to escape their shitty situation as a teenager, this time very specifically about being completely drunk and perhaps experiencing romance for the first time. The character is probably at a club or a party, drunkenly hitting on someone, though chances are without much success as the song becomes increasingly more incoherent and we go into a full black out. This gets bad enough that the person finally has to take a look and….

Where is my mom

….stop. It is highly suggestive that in the album the “stop” is part of this song rather than the last one. The person is not only stopping their current alcoholic binge. They are stopping the entire situation and taking a good look at their life, finally confronting face to face what is happening and why it is so wrong. Now “stacy’s mom” was always kind of an inappropriate song due to it being about a child having a crush on their friend’s mom, as sung by an adult. But as it is recontextualized by the instruments of “where is my mind” it takes on a much darker tone. The romantic words are still there but now with a sinister bent. This time the main character asks their friend if they can go and take refuge at their house and when they ask if the mom is going to be there they sound more scared than eager, specially suggested by the way he seems to be stammering the word “pool”, they are nervous and terrified. They also talk about stacy’s mom as “all they want and been waiting for so long”, probably because all they want is a normal, loving mother. Presumably this song is about the main character finally talking about what is going on at his house with a friend, confessing and that confession gives way to realization

Fredhammer

Then realization gives way to anger. During this whole song we see the teenage character finally grasping how fucked up the whole situation is and he gets progressively more worked up with each successive aggravation “Why did it take so long? Why (hoo!), did I wait so long, huh?

Why??? To figure it out, but I did it (huh?)”. From this we transition to the kid actually confronting their mom face to face. The line “So you can take that cookie And stick it up your (yeah!)” can be read as the mother trying to pretend there is nothing wrong or pacifying the kid with empty gestures of motherhood, by making cookies and the kid spitting that back into their face. The kid gets more and more worked up through the song as we seamlessly transition to the next one.

Limp Wicket

This song is pure incoherent chaos but something very important can be rescued out of the chaos. This song uses the lyrics from the “ewok celebration” which is presumably the song the ewoks sing in return of the jedi after the empire was defeated. So in a way is the kid celebrating that he finally confronted their mother and presumably defeated her. This is emphazised by the recurrence of the lyrics ““So you can take that cookie”. Is not specified how the mother is defeated, maybe social services or the police get involved, maybe the kid runs away, either way this song is triumphant. The evil entity that stole his childhood and innocence has been defeated.

Cannibals

This song is slightly different from the rest. It works as a form of victory lap after the defeat of the mother figure, but also as an intermission since it lies smack dab in the middle of the album, and finally as a transitionary song from childhood to adulthood. Is a time skip, we get to see the person grow up in fast forward as the THX song hits its crescendo. This song also makes it perfectly clear that, even though she was left behind, the mental scars that the mother left are still there and still fresh and still very much stopping them from sleeping “She drives me crazy

And I can't help myself”. 

The outsiders

This works as a way to recontextualize us in the life of the character as an adult. Our so called “feature presentation”. It is not altogether clear who these people being introduced are. They could be the people who came to mean something in this persons life as they grew up after trauma, probably multiple foster homes, social workers, friends, bosses, co workers, etc. the fact that they are being enumerated dissapasionatly could indicate how most of his social relationships were basically a meaningless blur for him who grew up socially distant due to trauma. It could also represent the multiple roles that our character was forced to take as they grew up and the multiple things that went through his mind or meant something. There is clearly some desperate attempts to recapture their lost childhood as figures such as “inspector gadget” or “the ninja turtles part three” are named. The song is a fast montage of views and places. That prepares us for the next song.

Johnny

We finally zoom in and take a good look at our main character as an adult. A sad, pathetic figure, hurt and lonely, possibly not very well liked and certainly not respected as we hear boos all around. Despite all this the character is clearly committing themselves to be a good person, to not hurt others like he was hurt and specifically to not commit the same crimes that their mother commited.

Closerflies & Nightmovin

These two songs might as well work as a single piece since they are both more or less about the same thing. We reiterate how this person has been turned into an insomniac due to the trauma that they experienced as a child “When I'm far too tired to fall asleep”. They are delirious and barely coherent, possibly hallucinating as they think about their life in bed. This is clearly hell on earth and it seems like its just never going to stop “Can't wake up in a sweat

'Cause it ain't over yet” but, with neil’s classic sense of humor, the song immediately ends.

Now that could just be for the sake of irony but there is also another level in which it could be read. This suffering stops because something suddenly changes in this person’s life. What could that be?

Whitehouse

“I fell in love with a girl”

As the lyrics say, the main character met someone special and they are deeply in love. But also, because of the past that weighs heavily on him, he is very trepidatious about wether to go on with the relationship or not. He knows he is damaged goods and he doesnt want to drag her down as well, these fears make it so he never fully opens up to her about his issues “She turns and says, "Are you alright?" I said, "I must be fine because my heart's still beating." 

Wah

The use of “war” by edwin starr is a clever reference about how everything is fair in love and war. Now this song is an important departure since it is sung from the point of view of the girl our main character fell in love with. She is a feisty woman who is very clearly trying to establish the terms of the relationship and demanding her partner to open up which the main character, due to his insecurities, takes as a declaration of war and which he deflects by playing dumb, hence the repeated use of the silly “WAH” by wario. 

Pee Wee Inc

The emotional distance from the man is putting a strain in the relationship, so what once was supposed to “feel good” is now this melancholic and unbearable situation. Is no mistake that the song sampled here is “the breakfast machine” from pee wee’s big adventure. After all  a neglected partner can feel like a breakfast machine, an object that is there just to make your breakfast. On top of this you can see that the insomnia hasnt gone away “My dreams, they got a kissing 'cause I don't get to sleep, no”. In a lot of ways the girlfriend is feeling used as just a relief from the man’s suffering but not as someone who is being truly loved.

1000 spoons

We go back to the woman’s perspective. At first it just seems like a simple melancholic situation where she is sad the relationship is not working, but then we see the woman have a full mental breakdown as the song changes and becomes much more deranged and we get to see what is really happening. The man ran away on their wedding day. This is represented by the lyrics “is like rain on your wedding day” because it means the wedding has been ruined. She is heartbroken by this.

Mouth dreams (extro)

Appropriately as the previous song talked about a wedding being ruined by “rain” this song begins with the sound of rain. This is the big emotional climax of the story, the music at its most dramatic. Now i will admit, even for me this is a stretch, im willing to concede most of what i am about to say is essentially built out of whole cloth and me wanting to fit a neat full narrative into this album where there is none, but hey, what is art for?

Essentially the man is about to commit suicide, possibly by jumping off a bridge in the rain as suggested by the song being sampled “drowning”. The fact that this song is named after the album is a way to signify how everything that we have just seen weighs heavily on the man’s heart, his whole life, his memories, his trauma, and he is finally ready to end it all. He jumps.

But at the last second his wife jumps after him and drags him to the shore, the last we see is her trying to perform mouth to mouth resuscitation, as indicated by the song,”love me mouth to mouth now…” he is unconscious and presumably finally sleeping peacefully (maybe dead?) “...cover me with dreams, yeah”.

It might look like he will not survive, as implied by the sinister version of all star encroaching over the song. But as it looks like all hope is lost he finally WAKES UP.

In a way this song is also when we finally catch up with the start of the album where we saw the man desperately hollering for human contact and merely echos responding, except now someone finally answered, and he is finally ready to open up and share his story.

Brithoven

Even though this song is sung by a single person i choose to take it as a dialog between the couple, both of them sharing their regrets about their relationship with each other, her recriminating the fact that she couldnt have known what he was going through “oh baby bay, how was i supposed to know, that something wasnt right here” and him finally admitting that he needs help “My loneliness is killing me”.

Finally they both agree to try it again and give their relationship a second chance “hit me baby one more time”

Ain’t

Part of me is conflicted about this song, i kind of want to disregard it, mainly because i think its kind of a weird way to end an album and also because i just dont feel is a very good mashup really. The lyrics dont mix that well with the song, they are paced in an inconsistent way and overall feel like they never truly click. On top of that it just doesnt fit at all with the narrative that i have been building during this analysis.

There is talk about alcoholism and parent abandoment, this time by the father, a figure that was never mentioned during the album. The last line says “say it aint so” which doesnt particularly seem to reflect on any of the themes i’ve been building upon. Ultimately i think i will just leave it besides and be content that i managed to fit almost all of the album into one story, this process was never meant to be a perfect dissection of the carefully planned story that neil deliberately crafted but rather me having fun seeing pictures in a rorshach test.

So anyway that was Mouth dreams, let me know what you thought.

[thethousandyearwitch]

The Show Must Go On! Chapter 4

- A Youtuber AU you didn’t want and didn’t need -

Hisoka Morrow, italian Makeup Youtuber, enjoys his life in the comfort and occasional drama of his profession. But nothing brings more drama into his life than the eldest son of the Zoldyck fashion magazine empire.

Meanwhile, aspiring australian Twitch Streamer Gon Freecs forms a special bond to a Speedrunner commonly going by "Kil".

Chapter 4 “Shifting Sand Land” out now!

AO3 Link

Illumi had always feared that one day he might inherit any of his mother's illnesses. It wasn't out of the question, and he considered himself lucky that no ailment had reared its head so far into his life.

"Do I look as good as how I feel, darling?"

Until now.

Suddenly it felt like years of sickness had caught up with him, spun his head around and made his stomach curl.

It was a coincidence that this sickness would appear the second he laid eyes on Hisoka, wearing the suit that was fitted just for him.

It was a coincidence that he looked like all those marble statues in museums, sculpted in the image of gods and lovers.

It was a coincidence that this sickness could be swallowed and repressed like any measly feeling he had ever encountered.

"I told you to wear a shirt, maggot."

And the symptoms disappeared.

But the disease didn't.

 ----------------------------------------------------

Gon: Killua?

It had been quite a while since Killua had responded to any of Gons messages. Well, it had been about 2 hours. But compared to their normal pace of slinging messages at each other any passing minute, this felt like an eternity to the young boy.  He wondered if he had done anything to upset his friend, though their last conversation was just usual banter about breakfast, snacks, and the new battle pass.

He fidgeted in his seat a bit more, the classwork Aunt Mito had supplied him with almost entirely forgotten. The now broken routine made his bones itch, but the attempt of any distraction just made him fear he'd miss when Killua would finally come back.

So, he waited.

He even started half-heartedly filling out the math quiz that had been taunting him from the corner of the desk, though he always glanced back at the computer screen.

Question number 27: (X-3)²-25= 0

Ping

Gon wasn't sure what to do first; Be thankful that finally Killua replied or be thankful that he found an escape from this hell called math.

Kil: Yo.

GON: Hey!!! Are you okay? :O

Kil: Yeah, whats up?

He was obviously not okay. But Gon knew that pressing the issue wouldn’t make things better, though if he pretended like everything was alright would just be an issue bottled up.

GON: Do you wanna play some Fortnite Duos maybe? We can try grinding for the new tiger costume you like :D

Kil: cant

Kil: my mom took my fucking PC away in attempt to become mother of the year

GON: :( im sorry!! But im sure she’ll give it back soon, right?

Kil: fat chance, I probably have to wait till my brother comes back from his stupid trip

Gon tilted his head in thought. This has probably been the longest Killua had ever talked about his family with him. Up to this point it had only been passing remarks about siblings whose actions and personalities melted into each other due to lack of discernible unique traits, and that his family was rich.

GON: How long is that going to be?

GON: Maybe your mom will calm down and change her mind <:(

Kil: lmao, maybe if id actually study now shed be satisfied enough

Kil: but theres no way in hell im going to give her what she wants

Kil: ESPECIALLY NOW

GON: So whatre you going to do??

Kil: idk

Kil: talk to you and think about how to set fire to this place?

 The young boy smiled, though for some reason he could feel a knot tighten in his chest.

 GON: How about only talking to me for now?

 And they talked. For a couple of hours, they talked about Gons new streaming schedule, about how he wanted to have one dedicated day in the week solely for collaborations. They talked about a new exploit for Super Mario Sunshine that could potentially scrap 10 seconds off of the current World record if executed correctly. They talked about how Leorios medical-student VLOG channel had been trending again after he made a hypocritical video about the damages of energy drinks.

Kil: he could have at least cleaned the infamous pyramid out of frame…

GON: Haha he said that in hindsight too

GON: But I think it was his boyfriend who finally made him clean it up -v-“

Kil: must be nice to have someone living with you who gives a shit

Kil: I think at this point the housekeeper hasn’t even touched the minefield that’s my brothers room in months

GON: It can’t be that bad :”D

Kil: you bet?

Kil: what do you think, how much chip dust is needed for an anime figure to come to life?

The mental image of Killuas home slowly shifted in Gons mind again. A large mansion, bedrooms as big as some apartments, with individual housekeepers for everyone. And one room dedicated to imitating a postapocalyptic anime merch shop.

And somewhere in that large mansion, is a room probably equipped with a messy bed, a (now empty) desk and gaming chair, maybe some shelves with books and games. In the middle of it a slightly blurry figure, maybe a bit shorter than Gon, pale skin and messy hair and piercing bright eyes.

He had seen pictures of Killua, a handful of selfies taken at his desk, one picture his sister (who he’d mention the least from his mysterious family) had taken of him in front of a rose bush. And no matter how dimly lit the picture would be, or out of focus, or taken from a distance; His eyes were always the first thing Gon would focus on. At first, he was convinced that he was using a filter, there’s no way someone in real life would have eyes like that.

But Killua did. Killua hid electricity behind those eyes, dangerous and yet enticing, beaming with a life energy that can barely be contained. Gon had heard poems and songs about blue eyes, though none of them ever came close to describing eyes like these. Or the feeling Gon would get from looking at them, tingling in his fingertips, making him smile and giggle and stomp his feet. Kind of like getting a victory royale.

Gon has other friends besides Killua. But none ever made him feel the same way when they talked. He craved no one’s presence as much as he craved Killuas. And something inside him felt the constant urge to tell Killua that, to tell him how much he meant to him, what’s so amazing about him, how he didn’t want this friendship to end.

But that’s just not something friends would tell each other unprompted, and it’s not something that could easily told to Killua, who danced around the word “friends” as if it were a dangerous animal. So, he didn’t say anything.

 Kil: gon?

Kil: did you fall asleep?

GON: No haha, I was just thinking about how huge your house must be!!

Kil: yeah its huge and ugly, sometimes way too loud, sometimes really fucking quiet

Kil: im sure it must be nicer in your home

GON: I mean, it is pretty nice, but its also a little lonely I think

GON: All my friends live closer to the city, so usually no one is around to just come outside and hang out :^T

Kil: if I could id fly over right now and you could show me all the gross spiders that rule your continent with 8 iron fists

GON: They aren’t gross!! Spiders are really fun once you get to know them :^D

GON: And you know, you’d always be welcome here, Aunt Mito would be thrilled to meet you ^^

And Gon meant it. Though Killua never let too much slip of his family life and surroundings, Gon could tell it was trouble, and he deeply wished he could give Killua even just a one-day break from whatever went down in that mansion.

Kil: since we are both home schooled, we wouldnt even need to wait for summer break or anything

GON: Right :^D And its not like either of us are big on studying either ^^”

Gon glanced briefly at the disregarded Math work and shuddered.

Kil: you mean it, right?

Kil: if I were to text you some time that im at an airport and im coming over, you wouldnt let me be stranded somewhere on your prison continent, right?

GON: Of course not!!!

GON: … but I’d prefer it if you give a heads up so I can clean my room :^D

Kil: thanks gon, I appreciate it

Kil: i appreciate you

Gon felt his heartrate skyrocket. Of course he’d let Killua stay, even if he rang at his door without any prior notice. Because even if it goes unsaid, Killua was his friend. Maybe even his best friend. And he’d do anything to keep him safe, or to just give him one minute that he doesn’t have to think about his family. He wanted to see those blue eyes reflect the Australian sun, free of worry and tension.

GON: I appreciate you, too

[saeyoungs-sunflower]

What are some of your favorite writers/fics? Can you link them? I’m new to the fandom and I love your writing but can’t find some other things that are as high quality of yours :)

Hey there! I absolutely can, I love to the spread the love and there are so many talented writers that deserve all the recognition. To be honest, since I returned my blog (after 3 years away haha) I haven’t been reading a huge amount of fan fiction, mainly because I’ve been too busy focussing on my own projects, but there are still a few writers whose work I have been loving lately! I’ve also included some writers who, to my knowledge, are no longer active/don’t plan to write for MysMe anymore, but I wanted to mention them because they are the ones who inspired me to write and hold a very special place in my heart.

Ahhh you’re so sweet, thank you so much for love and welcome to the fandom! I hope you feel at home here xxx

Favourite MysMe Writers!💛

Active writers:

@sunshinejihyun​ - This gal has only started writing for the fandom recently, but damn she is killing it. She has such creative ideas and they are always executed so beautifully. She somehow manages to make me fall deeper in love with these characters and I ain’t mad about it.

Favs:

The Three Times He Realised He’s in Love (Zen x MC)

Open Secrets (Seven x MC)

Where You’re Meant to Be (V x MC)

@truth-be-told-im-lying​ - Everything this lovely lady writes is so unique and written with so much care, and there’s also a great mix of work. You get fluffy, sexy, angsty…the whole package! She’s also currently doing a ’50 Types of Kisses’ project at the moment and I don’t know how she does it but every single one I’ve read has been brilliant.

Favs:

You and I (Seven x MC)

The Garden (Saeran Choi)

50 Types of Kisses

@abbyologie​ - I’ve just followed this blog and I’ve only read ‘Compromise’ so far but it was gorgeous! A perfect mix of sexiness and sweetness, and they manage to really bring out Jumin’s kind and more sensitive side. A lovely read!

Compromise - Part One (Jumin x MC)

Compromise - Part 2

Inactive blogs/No longer writing for MysMe:

@serensama​ - This wonderful lady right here is the reason I started writing. Her writing is absolutely golden, and she has such a gorgeous way with words and it always leaves me in awe. If she’s writing angst, it’s heart-wrenching; if she’s writing fluff, it’s teeth-rotteningly sweet; if she’s writing NSFW, it’s electric. I wish I showed her more love 3 years ago, because she is truly phenomenal and (if we’re getting personal lol) her writing made me feel something at a time when I was really struggling. Basically, if she wrote a book, I would be the first to read it. I think she is planning one last MysMe fic, and I am preparing to ball my eyes out.

Favs (oh man don’t make me choose😭):

Saeyoung: To Help #5 , Saeyoung: To Help #5b (this one, good grief this is my favourite fic of all time)

Jumin: To Promise #4

V: To Promise #7

EXTRA (bc I can’t help it) I love you. Not. (Jumin x MC)

@spacechip707​ - My go to place for Choi boi feels. Every fic was so sweet and just always gave me the warm fuzzies. This has made me want to go back and re-read them all because it’s been so long and some of my favourite fics ever were written by this person.

Favs (from my memory):

Sweetness of You (Seven x MC)

You Are My Sunshine (Seven x MC)

Broken Nights (Seven x MC)

@thirstyfortom​ - QUEEN of series. I remember when the High School Band AU series was being written and everyday day I would refresh their timeline waiting for the next chapter. I was constantly on the edge of my seat when reading their work, and I’m just jealous that you get to binge-read them all for the first time.

Favs:

High School Band AU (series) - Prologue

18C Apartment (Vanderwood x MC)

Seven Minutes in Hell (Seven x MC)

I’m terrified that I’m missing someone, but I hope you enjoy the work of these brilliant human beings! I’m infinitely grateful for how each one has managed to lighten my mood or helped me find an escape in their writing, and I can only hope that I can do the same for others. Happy reading, anon! 🧡

[freddiesaysalright]

The Most Dramatic Season Ever - Week 6

Summary: It’s your time now! You are ABC’s new Bachelorette and this is your journey! All these men (including our fav BoRhap boys and then some) are competing for your heart! Will you find love? Will you get engaged at the end? Or will you end up heartbroken? Find out, on the most dramatic season ever!

Word Count: 10.1k (this one’s a DOOZY)

Tag List:  @psychosupernatural​, @someone-get-a-medic​, @bensrhapsody​, @deakyclicks​, @crazylittlethingcalledobsession​, @minigranger​, @crazyweirdocalledfriday​, @the-moving-finger-writes​, @assembledherethevolunteers​, @rose-writes-prose​, @queenlover05​, @moon-stars-soul​, @danadeacon​, @deacyblues​, @thesundrop​, @cupidben​, @lostlittlenerd​, @delilahmay39​, @timmvrphy​, @queenmylovely​, @loveandbeloved29​, @free-pool-trash​, @fairestkillerqueenofall​, @local-troubled-writer​, @babyalienfairy​, @littlecarowrites​, @allthethingsicant​, @im-an-adult-ish​, @mirkwoodshewolf​, @squishy-gay-astronaut​, @sherlollydramoine​, @butlegendsneverdie​, @dogmom2014​, @rocketrhap917​, @26-7-49​, @lelifesaver​, @frozenhuntress67​ If you’d like to be added, let me know!

A/N: A note on the names in this chapter! So, I went with Ben’s family name being Hardy since we all know him with that name. I understand that in reality, his parents would be Mr. and Mrs. Jones. And with Rami’s sister, I couldn’t get a confirmation on whether her name is spelled Jasmine or Yasmine so I went with the J spelling because that was what I saw first.

Warning(s): Mentions of racism.

Night 1  Week 1  Week 2  Week 3  Week 4  Week 5

Week 6 here we go!!!

Your first hometown date was with Ben in Sherborne, UK. You met him at the center of the town, which was small and quaint. But you liked it. Especially once you saw Ben walking over to you. You ran to him and leaped into his arms. He caught you with a laugh and a sweet kiss.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” he said, shaking his head. “In Sherborne.”

“I can’t believe it either,” you replied. “But I’m so happy that I am!”

“Me too,” he agreed as he set you down. “I thought I’d just give you a bit of a tour so you can see where I grew up before we head to my parents, yeah?”

“Sounds perfect!” 

He took your hand and started down the road. At the end of the street was a vintage car. It was a black convertible, like you’d seen in old movies. It looked glamorous.

“This,” Ben said, walking up to the car. “Is our ride for the day.”

“Are you serious?!” you cried. “Oh my God!”

“Glad you like it,” he chuckled.

“I love it!” you told him.

He opened the passenger side door for you and you slid in. Then he walked around to the driver’s side and got in beside you. He looked at you, smirked, and then started the engine. He looked so sexy behind the wheel you had to turn your attention to the road so he wouldn’t see you blushing.

He drove slowly. There wasn’t much traffic, anyway, so you really could see all the places he was pointing out to you. He showed you the church he attended as a kid. Where he went to primary school. The tree under which he had his first kiss. It was all so sweet. It was all so Ben.

“I wish you could be here in October sometime,” he said. “We’ve got the Pack Monday Fair, which is always a great time.”

He told you about the fair and all his fondest memories, especially attending with his father. You were melting.

“So, how often do you get here to visit your family?” you wondered.

“As often as I can,” he said. “I’m all the way in London, and it’s not like I’ve got weekends off. But I definitely get here for special occasions and holidays.”

“Do you think you’d want to settle down here?” you asked. “When you’re ready to start a family?”

“As much as I love it here, I’d rather stay in London,” he said. “There’s more opportunity there and more diversity, which is something I want my children to experience. But believe me, they’ll be coming here to visit Nan as often as possible. My mum can’t wait for me to have kids, so she’ll be all over them.”

You giggled. “I like that. I want an involved family.”

“You might regret saying that one day,” he joked.

You drove on, and by the end, you felt you had seen almost the entire town. You stopped at the store to pick up a bottle of wine and some flowers for his mother, before at last going to the house. It was a cozy little home, and it looked inviting. You took a deep breath before starting up the driveway.

“Nervous?” Ben asked.

“A bit,” you admitted.

“Don’t be,” he said and kissed your cheek. “They’re gonna love you.”

Before you could argue, he reached out and opened the door, allowing you inside first. 

“Hello!” Ben called.

Seconds after his voice rang out, a swarm of people were upon you. All rushing to hug Ben and get a glimpse of you. He introduced you to his mother and father, and then to his aunts and uncles who were there. His grandmother remained seated on the couch, so you all made your way back to her so Ben could say hello.

“These are for you,” you said to Mrs. Hardy, handing her the wine and flowers.

“Oh, thank you, darling,” she replied. “They’re beautiful!”

You smiled as she disappeared into the kitchen to put them in a vase. Then Ben’s father approached you. You smiled and shook hands again.

“Y/N, right?” he asked.

“Yep, that’s right,” you told him.

“Come on, let’s get you a drink,” he said.

“Won’t say no to that,” you replied.

You followed him into the kitchen. Mrs. Hardy had already set out the flowers on the counter, and she was fussing around the food, which was evidently almost ready. Mr. Hardy poured you a glass of wine and handed it to you.

“Thank you,” you said.

Ben’s parents were surprisingly easy to talk to. You offered to help his mother with dinner, but she insisted you just relax. His father was a lot like Ben. A bit reserved, but friendly. So you chatted with them for a bit while Ben got caught up with the rest of his family.

When dinner was ready, you all sat around the dining room table. Mrs. Hardy served up a delicious meal, and then told you all to “tuck in.” You had a great time during the meal. His family was funny and warm. They welcomed you with open arms. You felt comfortable with them immediately.

“So, Y/N, can we have a chat?” asked Mrs. Hardy once the plates were clear.

“Of course,” you agreed.

You followed her to the sitting room. You sat together on the couch, and she gave your knee a maternal pat.

“How’s it all going?” she asked. “With Ben, that is.”

You smiled. “Ben and I have something really special,” you told her. “He told me that he’s falling in love with me, and I feel the same. Which I’ve told him.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” she said. “Has he told you that he’s never been in love before?”

“He has,” you said. “And I’m still a little worried about that.”

“Worried? Why?” she asked.

“Well, because I don’t want him to feel like there’s more out there,” you said. “Or to get confused. I don’t want him to wake up say, ten years from now and wonder if he made a mistake because he didn’t really know what he was doing.”

“I don’t think you need worry about that,” she said. “Ben is...a unique man. He’s struggled to find love because he’s quite aware of his feelings. He has told me about girls he’s gone with and expressed things like ‘Mum, I liked her, but I don’t think she’s the one,’ or ‘Mum, she’s beautiful, but I can’t go forward just because we’re attracted to each other.’ If he’s falling in love with you, then he means it. He isn’t confused.”

“That’s a relief to hear you say that,” you said. “Because I just wasn’t really sure if he knew. But you’re right, Ben is a self-aware person, and I have faith that what he’s telling me is true. I did promise him I’d never doubt him.”

You explained to her what Luke had once said about him.

“That’s ridiculous,” she scoffed. “Ben’s honest and kind. And, Y/N...he’s ready. He’s ready to find his partner and settle down.”

“I think he’d be a wonderful husband,” you told her. “And I suppose I have you to thank for that.”

She giggled and took your hand. You smiled at each other.

Meanwhile, Ben was talking to his father. They stood out on the back patio, each smoking a cigarette. You didn’t like that Ben smoked, but he did it pretty rarely since he was an athlete. And he also told you it was his goal to quit by the time he had children.

“So, Benny,” Mr. Hardy said. “How’re you feeling?”

“It hasn’t been easy,” Ben said. “I’ve...well, I’ve fallen in love with her.”

“Has she fallen in love with you?” Mr. Hardy wondered.

“She says she’s getting there,” Ben told him. “But there are still three other guys.”

“They good blokes?”

“Yeah, actually, I like them a lot. Consider them friends, even.”

“That’s good, it shows she’s got taste,” Mr. Hardy joked.

Ben chuckled. “Yeah. I’m just worried. I want to tell her that I love her. But I don’t want to get my heart broken.”

“There’s no way to fall in love without taking that risk,” Mr. Hardy said. “If you love her, love her with everything you’ve got. Pursue her. Let her know why she should choose you.”

Ben smiled. “Thanks, Dad.”

You switched parents, so Ben went to speak to his mother, and you went to speak to his father. You looked at Mr. Hardy and saw Ben’s features in his face. It was like looking through time and seeing Ben as an older man. Only, Mr. Hardy had brown eyes. Ben got his eyes from his mother.

“Can I ask you how you feel about Ben?” Mr. Hardy asked.

“I care a lot about him,” you said. “He’s probably the sweetest person I’ve ever met and...well, I’m falling in love with him.”

“He’s not hard to look at, either,” he joked.

“Well, he gets it from somewhere,” you returned, pointing at him.

He laughed. 

“You seem like a nice girl,” he said. “I think you’d be a good wife to Ben, if that’s what you both want. I’m just happy if he’s happy. And he seems quite happy with you.”

You looked at Ben through the window, where he was sitting with his mom.

“You guys must miss him a lot,” you said.

“Terribly,” Mr. Hardy said. “But once again, he’s happy.”

“I’ve so appreciated you welcoming me into your home,” you said. “A home as loving as this shows me what I can expect from Ben. Thank you.”

He opened his arms to you, and you gladly accepted them.

Inside, Ben was telling his mother exactly what he’d told his father. That he was in love with you and was nervous about telling you.

“I agree with Dad, darling,” Mrs. Hardy said. “I think if that’s what you’re feeling, you should be honest with her.”

“It’s just scary since...well, I’ve never done it before,” he said. “How do I…” he trailed off with a sigh.

“Do you think it matters to her how you say it?” she asked.

“No, I think she just wants me to be honest,” he returned.

“Then there you have it, love,” she said.

The night wound down and it was time for you to go. You said fond goodbyes to Ben’s family and he walked you out to the van already waiting for you.

“Today was such a great day,” he said. “They really seemed to like you.”

“I really like them,” you told him. “You have a great family, Ben.”

“I hope you come back,” he said.

“Me too,” you replied.

A beat passed. Ben pulled you into a tight hug. Then he lowered his lips to your ear.

“I love you, Y/N,” he whispered. “I love you so much.”

You wrapped your arms around his waist and gave a small squeeze. 

“It means so much to hear you say that,” you said.

You desperately wanted to tell him that you loved him too. Because you did. But you knew it was a bad idea. All you could do was convey how you felt through the embrace. And then when he kissed you...it was nothing like the way he’d kissed you before. This was something else entirely. It felt more like a promise.

“I’m gonna miss you,” he said.

“I’m gonna miss you too,” you told him.

With that, he opened the car door for you. You slid into the back seat and smiled at him once more before he closed it. He stood on the street and watched you go, feeling like you were taking his heart with you.

Your next hometown date was with Gwilym. Like Ben, he currently lived in London, but his hometown was Sutton Coldfield, where much of his family still resided. Gwilym had told you a little bit about his hometown, so you were excited to see it in person. You met him at Sutton Park.

He looked dashing where he stood waiting for you, despite only wearing a sweater and jeans. You ran up to him and he caught you in his arms. He planted a warm and welcoming kiss on your lips. You held him a little tighter.

“I’m so glad you’re here, cariad,” he said as you parted. 

“I’m glad to be here,” you replied.

“I figured I’d show you Sutton Park,” he said. “It’s a staple of the town and quite lovely on a day like today when we’ve got nice weather. Fancy a walk?”

“Sounds perfect,” you agreed.

He offered you his arm, which you took. It really was a pleasant day, with a rare bit of sunshine. As you walked, he told you who you would be meeting that day. His family kept it small, so it would just be his parents and siblings. Gwilym was the youngest. It was difficult for you to picture him the youngest sibling, since he always struck you as mature and grown up. He assured you that his childhood was normal, and that he and his siblings were very close now that they were all adults.

You walked together in the park for about an hour. Then he told you there was another stop to make before going to his parents’ home. You emerged from the park, walked another fifteen minutes or so, and then you saw it - a library.

“Since you saw my personal collection, I thought I’d show you where I first gained an appreciation for literature,” he said. “Right here at the Sutton Coldfield Library.”

“I can’t wait,” you told him.

He smiled, took your hand, and led you inside. The library looked fairly typical. It wasn’t grand or beautiful, but it had some charm to it. You tried to imagine young Gwilym poring over the books, trying to decide the one he’d like best. You smiled at the thought.

You were just about to tell him so when a distraction in the shape of a little girl came hurtling over, throwing her arms around Gwilym’s legs. She was maybe six years old. Her blonde ringlets settled against her face.

“Mr. Gwilym, you’re back!” she cried, clutching a handful of his jeans. “We’ve missed you!”

You blinked, shocked at the sudden appearance of the girl, but even more surprised that she knew Gwilym and was comfortable enough to hug him so tightly.

“Hello, Rosie,” Gwilym replied, patting her head. “I’ve missed you all too.”

Suddenly, more children emerged from a section you saw was the children’s library. Their little faces lit up at the sight of Gwilym, and they all followed Rosie’s example of throwing themselves on him. He laughed and then saw your bemused expression.

“I come home twice a month to read to the kids,” he told you. “To give back to this place.”

A little boy had clamored onto Gwilym’s back.

“Where’ve you been, Mr. Gwilym?” he wondered with a pout.

“Well, you see, children,” Gwilym said, nodding toward you. “I’ve met someone very special.”

In a swarm, they detached themselves from him and walked over to you, staring. You bit back a laugh.

“Hey, kids,” you said kindly. “I’m sorry for keeping Mr. Gwilym away.”

“You’re pretty,” Rosie said. “Are you Mr. Gwilym’s girlfriend?” 

“I am,” you told her.

“Are you gonna get married?” asked another girl beside you.

“Maybe!” you said. 

You met Gwilym’s gaze as the children demanded more information and you did your best to answer them. A future with him was suddenly much clearer.

“Alright, everyone leave Mr. Gwilym and his friend alone,” said the librarian, an elderly woman with her silver hair in a long braid down her back.

“Hello, Joan,” Gwilym said warmly, bending down to kiss the woman’s cheek.

Joan smiled at you as Gwil introduced you and she asked how everything was going. You told her it was all wonderful, and Gwilym agreed. Then Rosie returned and tugged on Gwilym’s pant leg.

“What are you going to read for us today?” she asked.

“Oh, Rosie, I’m sorry, we just popped over to say hello,” he told her. “We don’t have a story today.”

Tears shone in her big, blue eyes and you nearly started crying yourself. 

“Please,” Rosie begged.

“Please!” the other children echoed.

“Read them a story, you monster,” you teased, punching his arm lightly.

“Alright, I’ll read you a story,” Gwilym said. “If Miss Y/N reads it with me.”

“Please, Miss Y/N!” they cried.

You laughed. “Alright, then,” you agreed. “Story time it is.”

They all cheered, returned to the children’s library, and settled into the back corner. It was a cozy little set up, with bean bag chairs and cushions and stuffed animals everywhere. A wide bench was placed under the window, where the reader would sit. The kids picked out a story while you and Gwilym took your places. 

He started off the story, and his enthusiasm was not something you had seen him yet. He did voices, he made faces, anything to amuse the children. They giggled and snickered, enjoying themselves to the fullest, and totally riveted by him. You were too. You knew you were reading the words and doing your best to be convincing, but your mind was on Gwilym and how impressed you were with him. It showed you how much he valued learning, and the kind of father he might be.

When the story was over, you had to say goodbye and head to the Lee household. The kids were sorry to see you go, but their parents were arriving to pick them up. Gwilym even knew their parents, and said quick hellos before guiding you out and down the street.

“That was….” you trailed off. “So amazing. I feel like every time we’re together, you show me a new side of you. And I think that one is my favorite.”

He chuckled. “I just want to give back to the next generation,” he said. “Maybe they’ll go on to be great writers or professors. Maybe they won’t. But no matter what, they’ll support their local library.”

“You’re the actual sweetest, you know that?” you said.

He only laughed before throwing his arm over your shoulder and leading you away.

For the evening, you went to his parents’ home. It was a bit larger than what you were used to seeing in the UK, but looked inviting. You met Gwilym outside, and he hugged you tightly. You did your best to return it with the flowers and wine in your hands.

“Are you ready, love?” he asked.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” you replied.

“Let’s go in.”

Together, you walked across the threshold as Gwilym called out to his family. The first person to round the corner was his father, who wrapped his son up in the friendliest bear hug. His brothers and sister were not far behind. His mother approached you first.

“Hello, dear,” she said kindly. “I’m Ceinwen. It’s lovely to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too,” you replied. “I’m Y/N.”

Gwilym introduced to his father, Tom, his brothers, Geraint and Owen, and his sister, Rhiannon. They were all very friendly and gave you hugs as they met you. You followed them into the kitchen, and as you walked, you observed your surroundings. This family was undeniably Welsh, and proud of it. Gwilym told you that both his parents were from Wales, and he connected strongly to that heritage. Seeing the home, you understood why. You envied that connection a little bit.

“You have such a lovely home,” you said to Ceinwen. “Thank you for having me.”

“We’re glad to have you,” she replied. “Come, sit down for dinner.”

It was already on the table when you arrived, so she said you had perfect timing.

“I’m relieved,” Gwilym said. “We got a bit delayed at the library.”

“Oh, did you take her to see the children?” Ceinwen asked.

“I did,” he told her. “We had a wonderful time with them, didn’t we?”

He looked over at you and took your hand. You beamed.

“We really did,” you said. 

They asked how your day was overall, and you were excited to tell them that it was great. You always felt like you could gush about Gwilym. His family exchanged happy glances at your every word.

After dinner, Rhiannon asked to speak to you. You happily agreed and followed her into the sitting room. You each took a seat on the couch.

“How’s this whole process been for you?” she asked.

“It hasn’t been easy,” you told her. “I’ve had to make really difficult decisions, but I’m just following my heart the best I can.”

“How many men are left?” she wondered.

“Including Gwilym, there are four,” you said. 

“And how are you feeling about him as compared to the other three?” she pressed.

You swallowed. “That’s difficult to say. I sort of have to compartmentalize each relationship and evaluate it on its own strengths or weaknesses. I know that Gwilym and I have been strong since the beginning. He’s really opened up to me, as I have to him, and we’re falling steadily in love.”

“And has Gwil expressed his feelings for you?”

“He’s told me that he’s falling in love with me,” you said. “Which made me so happy because I’m falling in love with him too.”

“Have you told him that?”

You shook your head. “I haven’t. But I plan on letting him know soon.”

“As long as you’re honest with him, he’ll be honest with you,” she said with a smile. “Gwilym’s reserved, but not afraid of the truth.”

“I definitely see that about him,” you agreed. “We’ve always been totally honest with each other.”

You smiled at each other. You spoke to his parents next. His mother sat on the couch beside you and his father in a chair across the coffee table.

“Can I just start by saying what a wonderful man you have raised?” you began. “Honestly, Gwilym has been such a dream and completely unafraid of the risk involved in this. He’s great.”

They both grinned.

“Thank you,” Tom said. “We hope that means you’re feeling strongly for him.”

“I am,” you assured him. “I told Rhiannon that I’m falling in love with him.”

“That’s wonderful,” Ceinwen said. “He told us the same about you.”

“Now, there are still other people involved in this,” Tom said. 

“I know,” you said. “But believe me. I care so deeply for Gwilym. The last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt him.”

“You must understand,” his mother said. “As his parents, that’s our worst fear. After he lost his fiance, he was a wreck. I don’t want him to return to that.”

“I understand,” you assured her. “I will do what I can to keep him from that. But please understand my position as well. I can’t make any promises right now.”

“Right, of course,” Tom said. 

You chatted a little longer, and you once again told them how much you admired Gwilym. Meanwhile, he was talking to his siblings.

“So, how are you feeling about her?” asked Owen. 

“I’m falling in love with her, for sure,” Gwilym answered. “I really could see her being my wife.”

“But you’re not completely in love?” questioned Geraint.

“I dunno if I could say that with other men involved,” Gwilym replied. “I want to be down on one knee before I give myself that completely.”

“She seems like a great girl, Gwil,” Rhiannon added. “You two seem compatible. She’s got a good head on her shoulders. But are you sure you could propose after just a few weeks?”

Gwilym looked at his wine glass and swirled the deep purple liquid around, just for something to do while he considered this question.

“You all know how seriously I would take an engagement,” he began. “I think, if within the coming weeks, Y/N and I find ourselves at that point, then yes. I could see myself proposing.”

The siblings all exchanged a look. If he was that serious about you, they would support him.

Overall, Gwilym’s hometown went well. It wasn’t as smooth as Ben’s, but given Gwilym’s history, you understood his family’s skepticism. Even so, they seemed genuinely happy for him. As Gwilym led you out, you swung your clasped hands with joy. He smiled at you.

“Gwilym,” you said. “You told me back in London that you’re falling in love with me.”

“Yes, I remember,” he said.

“Well, I just wanted to tell you that….I’m falling in love with you too,” you said. “Hard and fast.”

His smile widened.

“I’m happy to hear it, cariad,” he replied.

With that, he turned you toward him and pulled you in for a kiss. His lips pressed into yours with a need you had not felt from him before. His gratitude for your validation was deeper than you thought. Perhaps his feelings were as well.

When you broke apart, you coiled your arms around his neck and held him close. You stood there for what felt like hours. Despite everything you had been through with him, and the beauty of that moment on the London Eye, this was the most romantic moment you felt with Gwilym. Just you and him. Outside his childhood home, knowing each other without even speaking.

“You need to get going,” he finally said.

“I wish I didn’t,” you replied.

“I do too,” he agreed. “But there’s more to this journey.”

You stood on your toes and kissed him again.

“I’ll see you soon,” you whispered.

“I can’t wait,” he replied.

He walked you to the car and opened the door for you. With one last kiss, you got in. As you drove away, you felt your heart breaking without him.

After Gwilym’s hometown, it was time to leave the UK and head back to the states. Your first stop was in New York for Joe’s hometown. He was from Hyde Park, which you knew nothing about. You were excited to see it though and understand Joe better.

You arrived at Hyde Park and met Joe on what appeared to be a random street. You sprinted to him, eager to be in his arms. You had missed him desperately while you were apart. He caught you and spun you around with a laugh before he kissed you.

“I’ve missed you so much, baby,” he said. 

“I’ve missed you more,” you returned.

“Wanna bet?” he shot back.

You laughed. “What are you going to show me today?”

“Hyde Park isn’t exactly known for tourism,” he said. “We’ve got the Vanderbilt Mansion, sure, but other than that we’re just your average town.”

“So, are we going to see the mansion?” you wondered.

“Actually, I thought we’d do something better,” he said. “Come with me.”

He took your hand and began to lead you down the street. This community was clearly close-knit, as several people stopped Joe to talk to him and catch up. He introduced you as his girlfriend and they all smiled happily for him. Finally, you stopped outside a restaurant. The name on it was Mazzello’s. You grinned.

“Your family’s restaurant!” you cried. “I’m gonna get to see it?!”

“Absolutely!” he returned. “My brother, John, has been handling things since I’ve been away, so he’ll be the first family member you meet.”

“I can’t wait!”

You followed him inside. A wave of voices overtook you as Joe walked through the door. It seemed his whole family had surprised even him by showing up at the restaurant. His mother was there, as were his brother and sister. His nieces and nephews raced to hug him and he miraculously scooped all of them into his arms. 

There were hugs all around. The Mazzellos had spared no one in coming to meet you. Joe’s grandparents were there. His aunts and uncles. Family friends. Even restaurant regulars. It showed you how well Joe was loved in his community. It made you love him even more.

Joe introduced you first to his mother, Virginia, his sister, Mary, and then his brother, John. They were all thrilled to meet you. As you made your way through the crowd to meet everyone else, you felt there was a missing piece. When you looked over at the counter you realized what it was. A picture of Joe’s father hung behind the register.

You turned your eyes to Joe and saw that he was looking at it too. He shook his head and then looked at you.

“Come on,” he said with a small smile. “Let me show you the kitchen.”

“Alrighty,” you agreed.

You walked with him behind the counter and into the back of the restaurant. The kitchen was huge, with everything you could ever need to make Italian food. And it was authentic. Joe showed you where they made dough, how they turned it into noodles or pizza crust. The massive cooler for all the fresh vegetables. They also had a garden behind the restaurant where they grew their own herbs.

“Joe, this is incredible,” you said, still looking around in awe.

“My dad was dedicated to being authentic,” he said. “So we’ve kept it the way he started it.”

“You shouldn’t change a thing,” you told him.

You were alone together in the kitchen, so he took this opportunity to pull you into his arms. He held you for a long moment, and you felt him shake as he released a breath. You wrapped your arms around him and squeezed him gently.

“Thanks,” he sniffled. “Being back is just bringing up a lot of emotions.”

“I’m here, baby,” you said. “I’m so sorry.”

“Come on,” he said. “I’ve gotta show you how to make all this.”

“We’re gonna cook?” you asked, surprised.

“Course,” he said with a wink. He tossed you an apron. “You gotta learn if you’re gonna be a part of the family.”

You smirked. Then you tied the apron on, rolled up your sleeves, and got to work. His family joined you to help out as well, and Joe took every moment he could to flirt with you. When he showed you something, he stood behind you and put his arms around your waist. If he helped you get something, he reached over you, putting his chest to your face. If he was passing you and no one was around, he gave you a light pat on your ass. You had never had so much fun.

Together, you and the Mazzellos prepared a huge meal for everyone there to see Joe and meet you. Joe’s family was just as fun as he was. They poked fun at him - in the most loving way possible - and welcomed you warmly. As you all sat down to eat, Joe said a quick prayer. Then you dug in to the food.

“Oh my God,” you moaned as you took the first bite. “This is delicious!”

They laughed with you. Sharing a meal with them was like nothing you had ever experienced. Everyone at the table got a say in any discussion, even the children. In fact, Joe frequently consulted them. It seemed that Uncle Joe was a popular person. Many people had questions for you, and Virginia made a special effort to make you feel included. Not that she had to try too hard. You already felt like one of them.

After your meal, they opened a bottle of wine. When the glasses were distributed, you made a toast. Then, Virginia pulled you aside. You followed her to one of the small tables on the patio and sat across from her.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you,” she said. “Joe’s been talking about you since he got home and we were all so anxious.”

“I’m glad I don’t disappoint,” you replied.

“Never,” she said. “All I want is for Joe to be happy. He’s been burned in the past and I just want to protect him.”

“Of course you do,” you returned. “You’re an amazing mother. I can’t promise you that Joe and I will end up together because I’m not sure how this will go yet.”

“How do you feel about Joe?” she asked.

You took a moment to form a response. There were so many things you admired about Joe. His humor, his wit, his good heart. The way he made you feel understood and loved. The way you could rely on him. Tears suddenly stung your eyes.

“Oh!” Virginia gasped when she noticed. “Well, then. That tells me all I need to know.”

“I love him,” you choked out anyway.

It felt good to say it to someone. You were in love with Joe. But he hadn’t said it to you, so you weren’t sure about saying it to him.

“I’m glad to hear that,” she said graciously. 

She paused a moment before continuing.

“It’s funny, seeing you two together,” she said. “I’m reminded of myself and Mr. Mazzello. The way you seem so at ease with one another and have fun. But behind all of it...I see the depth of what you feel. I know you’d be there for him when things got rough, just as he would be there for you.”

“Joe has been the most solid connection I’ve had,” you said. “He’s never let me down. Truly, Mrs. Mazzello, I see a future with him. Especially after today.” You took a moment to take a breath since your emotion was threatening to overwhelm you again. “I see it so clearly.”

“I’m touched that he means so much to you,” she said, opening her arms. “Come here, Y/N.”

You melted into her and let out a small sob. It hit you so suddenly how much you loved Joe and it had caught you off guard. When you settled down, she wiped your cheeks before kissing them. You beamed at each other.

Joe spoke to his mother next, while you went to chat with his siblings. Virginia took her son in her arms and held him for a quick moment before they sat down together.

“So, how’d it go with Y/N?” he asked.

“Wonderful,” she replied. “She cares for you, Joe.”

“I hope so,” he said with a chuckle.

“No, listen to me, honey,” she said. “I asked her point blank how she felt about you. And she started to cry. You mean a great deal to her.”

Joe flushed, both pleased and distressed by his mother’s words. He hated that you had gotten upset, but he was also touched by the sentiment. He had confessed that he was falling in love with you. Was now the time to tell you that he was there? He was so madly in love with you that he’d do anything in the world for you?

Inside, you had begun talking to Joe’s siblings, but his nieces and nephew quickly interjected.

“What’s your favorite thing about Uncle Joe?” you asked them.

“He’s fun!” his oldest nephew cried. “He always plays with us when the grown ups are being boring.”

“What’s your favorite game to play with him?” you asked.

“Tickle monster!” they all agreed.

“Do you want him to get married?” you wondered.

“Yes!” said his niece eagerly. “That way he can have babies too, and we’ll have even more cousins to play with!”

“Do you wanna have babies with Uncle Joe?” asked his other nephew.

You blinked, a bit taken aback. Then you smiled.

“Very much.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw John and Mary grin at one another.

All too soon, the sun went down and it was time for you to go. You said warm goodbyes to everyone before Joe led you out to the car that was waiting for you.

“What a great day,” he said, before leaning forward and kissing your forehead.

“It was wonderful,” you said. “Do you think if we asked nicely, they’d let us do it again?”

He chuckled. “Afraid not, babe. But hey, I’ll see you again soon.”

You looked into his eyes. He felt the brutal urge to tell you now that he was fully in love with you. He opened his mouth to let it out, but then closed it again. Something in his heart was telling him to wait.

Your brow furrowed. You were hoping Joe would say “I love you.” When he didn’t you were a bit disappointed.

“Everything okay?” you asked.

“Yeah,” he said absentmindedly. “Yeah, I just...I had such a good time today and I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’m gonna miss you too,” you said.

You rested your head against his chest, not ready to let him go. You got a sudden burst of bravery.

“Joe, I -”

You stopped yourself. Why were you hesitating?

“Yes?” he pressed.

“I...I really am gonna miss you.”

His face fell, and you felt terrible. Why was this so hard to say? Perhaps because it meant so much.

“I’ll see you at the rose ceremony,” he said with a smile.

He kissed you once more. Then he opened the car door and you slid inside. You whispered a tearful goodbye to him, which he returned. Then he closed the door. The driver started down the street. You hung your head in your hands. 

“That was stupid,” you said to the camera. “I should have just told him.”

Little did you know, Joe was giving himself the exact same lecture. His only regret in the journey so far was not telling you just then that he loved you. He hoped it didn’t cost him a rose.

From New York, you flew back to Los Angeles for Rami’s hometown. The first three had gone so well, you had high hopes for the last. Rami’s family lived in Sherman Oaks. Most of his extended family was in Egypt, so - like Gwilym’s hometown - you would just be meeting his parents and his siblings. You were a bit nervous going in, since he had mentioned that his sister was protective.

All nerves melted away when you saw him. You surged forward to get to him and planted an enthusiastic kiss on him. He laughed into it, and held you tight.

“I’m so glad to see you,” he said. 

“I’m glad to see you too!” you returned. 

“I know you’re familiar with Los Angeles, so I wasn’t sure what we could do today,” he said. “But I thought of just a tour of where I grew up.”

“That’s perfect,” you said. “The whole idea is to get to know you better.”

“Awesome, let’s get started!”

For your tour of Rami’s corner of Los Angeles, you had scooters. They were ridiculously fun, even though frightening at first. Rami took you all over Sherman Oaks. He showed you his high school, where a few big name actors had also attended. He took you around his neighborhood, pointing out houses where his friends once lived, and the times they had together. You stopped at a park, where you got some ice cream and sat on a bench together.

“So, it seems like you enjoyed growing up here,” you said.

“I did,” he replied hesitantly.

You frowned. “What is it?”

“Y’know, growing up here was amazing,” he said. “But after 9/11, things changed. People say California is so progressive and welcoming, but after that happened, my family was treated differently, even here.”

“I’m so sorry,” you said, taking his hand. “That’s terrible.”

“We stopped speaking Arabic in public,” he said. “We tried even harder to assimilate. My father took down the Egyptian flag we used to hang outside. Even though we aren’t Muslim...or from the country that attacked that day...we were Middle Eastern enough for people to suddenly suspect us.”

“I don’t even know what to say,” you told him. “That’s just...horrible. And so brutally unfair.”

“It is,” he said. “Eventually, things settled down again, and our neighbors warmed back up. But it was never really the same. In school, I always felt like I was struggling. Having to tell people how to pronounce my name, only to have them butcher it or say it with some offensive accent. It wasn’t easy.”

He took a deep breath.

“But I’m really proud of my heritage,” he said. “I am Egyptian. No matter the generation or where I grew up. It’s part of me.”

“That’s beautiful, Rami,” you said. “You should be proud.”

“Thanks, Y/N,” he replied. “I just wanted to tell you this because my hometown isn’t all great memories. Parts of growing up were very difficult for me. And I wanted you to understand.”

“Believe me, I’m glad to listen to every part of how you grew up,” you said. “The good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to support you and help you through it.”

“You’re amazing,” he said.

“You’re even more so,” you returned.

You kissed him with a smile.

You didn’t stay out too much longer before you headed to his parents’ home. It was a decent sized suburban house, and you hoped his mother would appreciate the flowers. Rami told you to skip the wine because his parents didn’t drink. Out of respect for their home, you decided you would not partake while there. Rami told you how much he appreciated it.

When you walked up to the door, you gulped. You were always nervous right before meeting them. Then Rami kissed your cheek swiftly before opening the door. 

As soon as you were into the foyer, Rami’s brother crashed into him.

“Rami!” he cried, engulfing him into a hug.

Though he and his brother were twins, they had their distinctions. Rami was slimmer and just an inch or two shorter. Sami was broader with a more relaxed air about him. 

“Oh, this must be Y/N,” Sami said as he released his brother. “I’m Sami. It’s nice to meet you.”

You shook his hand. “Nice to meet you too.”

“Sami, are they -” Rami’s sister, Jasmine, came into the hall and stopped herself. “They are!”

She went to Rami and hugged him similarly to Sami. His parents appeared behind their daughter and grinned at the sight. You went over to them and offered the flowers.

“For you, Mrs. Malek,” you said.

She grinned. “Thank you, Y/N.”

His father also shook your hand before calling his children back with him to the kitchen. Mrs. Malek, whose name was Nelly, put the flowers into a vase. Mr. Malek, whose name was Said, checked on something in the oven which smelled delicious. You told him so and they thanked you.

“So, how’s it been so far?” Sami asked. “Been anywhere exciting?”

“We’ve been to Asheville, North Carolina,” Rami said. “Then we went to London.”

“Oh, I love London,” Jasmine interjected.

“It was amazing,” Rami told her. “And after that we went to Killarney, Ireland.”

“How fun!” Nelly said.

“We had a great time in Killarney,” you said, looking fondly at Rami and recalling your magical one on one date. 

“It was beautiful,” Rami agreed. “Especially the company.”

He put his arm around your shoulders and squeezed you as you giggled. You caught a disgusted look on Jasmine’s face, which discouraged you. You had the sense that she would take a while to warm up to you. Unfortunately, you only had one evening to change her mind.

Rami’s parents were incredibly kind. His mother was already teaching you some Arabic as you helped her prepare more food. It was just simple words here and there, but she told you that you were doing a great job. Meanwhile, Rami spoke to his siblings in the living room.

“Rami, I hate to be the wet blanket here,” Jasmine said. “But what are you doing?”

“Enjoying an evening with my girlfriend and family,” he replied. “What do you mean?”

“You’ve known this girl barely two months,” she continued. “All while she’s been dating thirty other men.”

“I know what I signed up for,” he said.

“I still don’t understand why you even signed up,” she snapped.

“Hey, calm down,” Sami said. “Love happens in crazy ways. Who's to say this isn’t how it’s meant to work out for Rami?”

“Because it’s ridiculous,” Jasmine said. “How can she really love you if she is also falling in love elsewhere? And what about your career?”

“What about it?” Rami demanded.

“Don’t you think you should wait for marriage and a family until you’ve established yourself more as an actor?” she wondered. “This is a huge commitment.”

“We’ve talked about it,” he said. “She knows that we could balance it.”

“Probably not the way she’s thinking,” she said. “I saw her on the last season. This girl is ready to settle down properly. Is that something you want?”

“We can talk more about it,” Rami said. “Right now, all I need for you to do is be my sister and support me.”

“I am doing that,” she said. “And one day, you’ll see just how much.”

With that, she swept from the room. Rami scowled.

“She’s making some good points, Rami,” Sami said. 

“No, she isn’t,” Rami argued. “This is something Y/N and I have already discussed and worked out.”

Sami sighed. “Alright then.”

Dinner was ready within the next few minutes. It went smoothly. You liked Rami’s family and the way they interacted. Teasing and fun, but with lots of love. Rami was clearly the apple of his mother’s eye especially. 

When dinner was over, Jasmine asked to speak to you. You were glad for the chance because you wanted to be close to her if it was you and Rami at the end of this. Together, you went out to the back porch and took seats on the cushioned wicker furniture.

“Y/N, I want to start by saying that I don’t have a problem with you personally, but this process makes no sense to me,” she began.

“I understand that,” you said. “It’s difficult for lots of people to understand unless you’re in it. But it’s just a way for people to find love. Like any dating app or even the traditional stuff. It just happens to be on TV as well.”

“But the expectation is not traditional,” Jasmine said. “The idea is to get engaged after just two months.”

“It seems fast, but believe me, the feelings are real,” you told her. “What I feel for Rami...that’s real. Whether other people understand it or not.”

“But you also have real feelings for three other men,” she pointed out.

That stung. You understood why the families were concerned about this. They didn’t want their loved one to be the one to get hurt. But this was the process that you all signed up for, and you were growing tired of this being thrown in your face.

“I do,” you said. “But every relationship is different.”

“So, tell me what you and Rami have discussed about life outside of this,” she said. “You know he wants to be an actor.”

“He already is an actor,” you replied. “We’ve talked about how we would balance schedules with each other and if we have children.”

Jasmine sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. Then she looked at you, a hard expression in her eyes.

“Rami is ambitious about his acting career,” she said. “Now isn’t the time for him to be getting married and starting a family.”

You wanted to flare up and scream at her, but you held back.

“Don’t you think that’s something Rami should decide for himself?” you countered.

“Y/N, listen to me,” she said. “I’m not saying this to be a bitch. I’m saying this for both your sakes. Let’s say this goes well and you and Rami get engaged. If you have to wait for his acting career to take off before you can be a mother, you are going to resent him. If he sacrifices his aspirations in order to stay where he is and be with you, he is going to resent you. He’s not ready.”

“Why would he come on this show if he’s not ready?” you challenged, trying not to let her words take root in your heart. But you couldn’t deny the truth of them.

“Probably because - like anyone - he does want love,” she said. “But he’s not ready for the commitment you want from him.”

You let that sink in. Tears welled up in your eyes. You were still falling in love with Rami, and hated the thought of saying goodbye to him.

“Excuse me,” you said, getting up from your seat.

You walked out into the yard and around the side of the house, sniffling. A tear slid down your cheek. This was the last thing you expected from his family. For them to tell you that even if you and Rami love each other, these things would get in the way. It hurt so much to hear because Jasmine was right. You were afraid of resentment building if either of you had to wait for your dreams.

“Hey.”

You turned and saw Rami standing there, a little winded and looking concerned. 

“What did she say?” he demanded when he saw you crying.

You broke down and told him. He heaved a sigh and pulled you into his arms.

“Y/N, don’t listen to that,” he said. “We can figure out how to plan our lives after an engagement. We don’t have to get married and have kids right away, we’ve got a lot of time.”

You pushed him away.

“Is that what you think I want?” you asked. “To just be indefinitely engaged? Without a plan? To basically be dating each other after this?”

“No, I’m sorry,” he said. “I understand you want a serious commitment, and I’m willing to give that to you if I have to.”

“If you have to?” you questioned. “Rami, I need someone who really, really wants that. I’m upset because I think Jasmine is right. We don’t want the same things going back into the world after all this.”

His eyes filled with tears too. “I want you, Y/N. I love you.”

You blinked and looked at the ground. “I don’t know if that’s enough.”

He sucked in a sharp breath at your words, and you couldn’t look at him.

“So...what do we do?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” you whispered.

You stood there a brief moment, wondering where to go from here. 

“I’m not ready to say goodbye,” you said. 

“I’m not either,” he said.

“At least we can agree on that,” you said with a humorless laugh.

Another beat passed.

“I need to go,” you said. “I have a lot to think about.”

“Y/N, please…” he trailed off.

“I’m sorry,” you said. “I just have to go.”

With that, you walked out to the front of the house. You couldn’t say goodbye to his family like this, not when you were falling apart. Alone, you went to the car that was waiting for you and climbed into the back seat, closing the door behind you. As you pulled away, you looked into the camera.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” you said. “I really just don’t know.”

The next day, you woke still conflicted. You had a rose ceremony that night, and you had to decide who to send home. Rami’s hometown date had been the least successful, but it opened your eyes to what might happen if you went down this road with him. But you also felt confused about Joe because of the moment before you left and he didn’t tell you he loved you. But Gwilym hadn’t either. The only one you were sure was getting a rose so far was Ben. His family was sweet, and you had no doubts about where you stood with him. You were absolutely ready to move forward with that relationship. The others...you had to consider and weigh your options.

You were meeting the men back at the Bachelor Mansion, where the journey began. Chris stood out front, where you had been night one to meet the men. The remaining four were arriving one by one before going into the rose ceremony.

Joe was the first to arrive. He smiled at Chris as he walked up to shake his hand.

“Joe, how are you?” Chris asked politely.

“I’m feeling pretty good,” Joe answered. “I think my hometown could have ended better, but I hope that’s not enough to lose a rose tonight.”

“Well, good luck, my friend,” Chris said. “Go ahead inside.”

“Thanks,” Joe replied.

He walked through the house and into the courtyard. He stood to one side and looked at the little table with just three roses on it.

Rami arrived next. He couldn’t smile just yet. 

“Rami, how’re you doing?” Chris asked.

“I’m anxious,” Rami said. “Things didn’t go well on the hometown date and I...I wish I had more time to talk to her before all this.”

“If the connection is there, she knows how to move forward,” Chris said. “Go ahead inside and good luck.”

“Thank you, Chris,” Rami said.

He followed Joe’s path. He finally grinned when he saw Joe and the two embraced. Then Rami spotted the roses and swallowed, wondering if he would get one.

Ben was third to arrive. He had a wide smile on his face.

“What’s up, buddy?” Chris asked as they shook hands and clapped each other on the shoulder. “You look happy.”

“I am happy,” Ben said. “I think things went really well, so I’m feeling confident about tonight.”

“That’s great to hear,” Chris said. “Go ahead inside and best of luck to you.”

“Thank you,” Ben replied.

He walked into the courtyard and he was pleased to see Joe and Rami already there. He gave them both quick hugs before taking his place in line.

Finally, Gwilym arrived. He straightened his tie as he stepped out of the limo and approached Chris.

“Gwilym, how are you?” Chris asked as they shook hands.

“I’m nervous,” Gwil admitted. “But I think everything went well enough. I just hope she feels the same way I do.”

“I hope so too,” Chris said. “Go ahead in and good luck.”

“Thank you so much,” Gwilym returned.

He too made his way to the courtyard, where the other three men stood. They all embraced him when he arrived, but quickly resumed their spots. Things had changed between them now that it was more serious. They all considered each other friends, and they respected one another, but there was some tension now. They waited.

You were the last one to get there. As you walked into the courtyard in your gown, you took a deep breath. You had made up your mind, but now you had to go through with it. You were going to hurt someone you cared a lot about - someone you loved - and that was never easy.

“Hi,” you said meekly as you looked at the four men before you. “Thank you all for being so gracious and allowing me to meet the important people in your life. I felt truly honored. I got a glimpse into what the future would be like with each of you, and it really helped me see who has the most potential to be my husband.”

Rami hung his head at these words. Then he looked at you again as you picked up the first rose. 

“Ben,” you said.

He let out a sigh and walked up to you.

“Ben, will you accept this rose?” you asked.

“I will,” he replied.

You pinned it to his jacket. You picked up the second.

“Gwilym,” you called.

His body relaxed at the sound of his name and then he approached you.

“Gwilym, will you accept this rose?”

“Of course I will.”

You pinned it on and he kissed your cheek before returning to his spot. Your heart began to pound inside your chest. Chris came out and put a comforting hand on your shoulder.

“Y/N, gentlemen,” he said. “This is the final rose tonight. Whenever you’re ready.”

He let go and you inhaled deeply. The exhale was slow and shaky. With a trembling hand, you picked up the last rose. You looked at Rami and you looked at Joe. Your eyes watered.

“Joe,” you choked out.

Joe’s relief was written all over his face as he walked over to you.

“Joe, will you accept this rose?” you asked, trying to keep your voice even.

“I will, Y/N, thank you,” he replied.

He had to help you put it on since your hands were so unsteady. Then he gave you a quick hug before returning to his spot.

“Rami, I’m sorry,” Chris said. “Take a moment, say your goodbyes.”

Rami was shaken. He had hoped that you could move past what Jasmine said and work through those issues together. Especially since you told him you weren’t ready to say goodbye. And here you were, saying it anyway.

He gave short hugs to the remaining men, who all whispered some words of comfort to him. Then he slowly walked to you. You had tears streaming steadily down your face. You tried to inhale, but you were short of breath.

“Can I - can I walk you out?” you asked through a sob.

“Yeah,” he said gently.

You took his hand and started back inside the mansion to exit through the front door. When you got to the driveway, you stopped and sat him down on a bench.

“I’m so sorry, Rami,” you whimpered. “I just...I don’t ever want to hold you back. You’re so talented and you’ve got so much to give, and I never want to stand in your way.”

“I don’t think you would…” he said.

Rami was numb. He still could hardly believe it was ending.

“I would,” you sobbed. “I want to settle down and have someone who comes home every night to me and the kids, y’know? And with what you want out of your life, that could never be us. As much as I care about you…”

He blinked and you saw a tear roll down his cheek slowly.

“I love you, Y/N,” he said.

“I love you too, Rami,” you replied. “But that kind of love isn’t enough to have a successful marriage between people as different as we are.”

A beat passed and you sniffled again.

“I want you to know that you’re amazing,” you said. “My feelings for you are so deep and so real, and that’s why this hurts so much. You deserve a successful career and someone who can be there for you through it. But that’s just not me.”

“I understand,” he said.

He began to move, as if suddenly gaining feeling back in his limbs.

“This is where we say goodbye, then,” he said.

“Goodbye, Rami,” you returned.

He hugged you. You held him for a moment, but you knew you had to let him go.

“When you win an Oscar, I’ll be cheering for you,” you teased, forcing a smile through your tears.

He chuckled halfheartedly. “Thanks. Bye, Y/N.”

“Bye,” you breathed.

With that, he opened the door and climbed in. You closed it and watched the tail lights disappear through the gate. You let out one final sob and dabbed at your eyes.

Rami, once inside the car, put his head in his hands and tried to breathe. He released a small whine, but kept his face covered. Then he took a deep breath and moved his hands to wipe his face.

“God,” he sighed. “I’m...I hate this. I really wanted to be with her and I hate that she couldn’t see a future anymore. F**k.”

He paused.

“I still love her.”

Back at the mansion, you had your makeup touched up before returning to the three men you had left. Your nose still ran and bit, and your eyes were still red and puffy, but you went to them anyway. They offered sympathetic smiles as you walked up.

“So, um,” you began, voice shaking again. “That was really difficult. But, I really am happy to be moving forward with all of you.”

Joe handed you a glass of champagne. They all already held one.

“Next week is a big week,” you said. “It’s fantasy suites, and where we’re going really is a fantasy.”

“Where is it?” wondered Ben.

“Gentlemen, we are going to New Zealand!”

They cheered and toasted to that. You hoped you were ready for the overnight dates. But you looked at the faces of each of these men and smiled. You were ready. You absolutely trusted them with your heart.

[callsignbaphomet]

Ok, so, originally this was gonna just be a million fuckin questions, and it'll prooooobably turn into one of those question chains from several months ago. BUT to start I think I can do just like, three. First, tell me ALL about the area in Norway where Jelani was growin up, absolutely anything and everything you can think of about it. Secondly, tell me ALL about babby Jelani! Again just anything and everything you can think of! Lastly, how exactly do those magic weapons work? :o Like, once they're made can anyone grab them? Can he only have one at a time? Stuff like that! Basically just use this as a chance to talk about all those things! :3

❤️❤️❤️

So Jelani was born and raised near what is known as Hammerfest today (woohoo subarctic climate!). Honestly he’s been everywhere and just about seen everything but nothing compares to when he was growing up in that area and watching the Aurora Borealis with family and friends in a comfortable silence while just taking it all in, ya know? Being born in 870 CE meant there was no light pollution so every night the sky always lit up and the stars were so shiny and there were millions and millions of them which was absolutely insane to see and had a lot of significance because of his mom’s culture and their relationship to the stars.

They were close to the coast so there was a lot of fishing and sailing. He was also partial to that area because it was close to the sea and close enough to the mountains where it felt like a happy in between. He’s not a fan of being too far from some source of water. That place was perfect as he could see all kinds of sea dwelling animals like whales and seals, squids though he’s not a fan, he’s kind of scared of squid especially the really big ones he saw every once in a while. He especially liked puffins as a kid since he thought they were kinda silly. Inland he saw his fair share of reindeer, foxes, bears, wolves and otters which he completely fell in love with and still loves as an adult. Show him pictures or videos of otters and he’ll melt, if he sees one irl he’ll practically die from the amount of cute. There were also the more supernatural creatures though he mostly grew up around a lot of werewolves.

Oh! And sure, he’s not a big fan of the sun but even he has to admit that the midnight sun is pretty impressive and beautiful in its own right. It was gorgeous to see it and he did enjoy walking around in the middle of the night and still see the sun out.

Also, despite the location, he was exposed to a lot of different people as the village was flagged as a safe area which saw a ton of traders and all were welcome regardless of who you were or if you were human or non-human. He saw everything and interacted with all sorts of people from the local Sámi People, Middle Eastern, Asian and even other African people. And after his mom found out her family were still alive and well they’d also visit each other when they could. Honestly, his upbringing was kinda fairy tale like.

______________________________________________________________

qasdxcfgbhn well, Jela as a little kid was always hanging around his parents, grandparents and especially his brother. Since Loke’s 13 years older than him Loke often watched him and played with him a lot, he wasn’t even asked to he just did it because baby brother. Like the instant Lo first saw him it was like love at first sight type of shit. He learned to speak clearly very early on which surprised everyone at how clear and structured his speech was for a kid so young and then they learned he was a very fast learner and really smart and was always curious and asking tons of questions.

Even since he was little he really loved animals so he was always seen chasing after them or somehow petting them and playing with them. Learned to ride and care for horses pretty fast and when he got his own it was like fireworks went off in his head. Even in present day he sees a horse and it’s like instant childhood memories flooding him. Btw his first horse was a mare he named Dagny, just like his ball python in modern times lol, it was a Fjord with a grey coat and a two tone mane and he loved her to bits. Aside from that there was the family dog named River because she loved to swim. He also liked cats but they didn’t have a cat because Loke was scared of them and Sanaa (for different reasons related to another creature) wasn’t fond of them. They don’t hate cats but they’d rather just keep ‘em at arm’s length.

Then teen Jelani who was...I don’t wanna use the word difficult because he wasn’t but let’s just say different for lack of a better word. It was around this time that he was realizing he wasn’t like his family and it actually hurt ‘im a lot. Especially since his mom was an arcane berserker and it was like a huge deal so they all thought he was gonna be one too. So in come the feelings of alienation and the doubts and the semi angst and the moodiness. He was never disrespectful to anyone but he was often moody and often felt down. Around this time he was also learning he had some unique abilities of his own that no one else had and since no one else had them he learned to control them but not without incidents. Not to mention that since he was very little he could see and hear and talk to things that no one else could really see. Some were friendly and others weren’t. Mix in the regular hormonal shit teenagers go through during puberty and it made for a bit of a mess. This kind of “weakened” him and his old self (which he nor anyone else knew of) was starting to rear in and it was kind of scary. He was actually fluctuating between his old personality which was chaotic af and his present self and both seemed to clash a lot. Once this started happening the migraine attacks and the nosebleeds began as well as the sleep paralysis, night terrors, insomnia and the nyctophobia and they all seemed to hit him really hard and suddenly. So all of that mixed in made the ages of 13 through 17 really, really fucking messy.

But family and friends were with him through it all and at 17 and a half he chilled out and learned to control himself and managed to suppress his old self. He’d learned to use and handle his abilities responsibly, still felt a little out of place but his family was sure to always let ‘im know they loved him no matter what and his grandfather especially let him know that his differences weren’t a bad thing and that they made ‘im special. By 18 he was back to his cheerful old self though sometimes he still felt bad about being different but didn’t let it get him down. However, he now had to cope with migraine attacks, night terrors, nyctophobia, random nosebleeds, insomnia and sleep paralysis which he still has even in present day.

______________________________________________________________ 

Okay so berserkers are non-humans that have the ability to summon powerful weapons and very sturdy armor from nothing thin air. The armor can take a beating but if they get targeted by a barrage of attacks the armor can break and they’d have to summon the armor again but there’s a cool down of about half an hour so it’s better to hang on to the armor even if broken or get your ass to safety. The weapons don’t break though. Oh and if an armor broke and they summon it again it’ll show up as good as new. Berserkers can summon up to two different weapons so which ones they summon depends on the person’s taste and comfort level.

These weapons can be summoned and dematerialized at will and have no cool down. Anyone can grab them if the berserker it belongs to doesn’t mind though why would a berserker use another one’s weapon unless they wanna be offensive and kill ‘em with their own weapon? It’s not offensive, more like yikes.

Now, since Jelani isn’t a berserker he managed to figure out a way to mimic berserkers’ ability to summon a weapon from thin air though unlike grown up berserkers he isn’t limited to just two types of weapons. For example Loke is able to summon a two headed axe and a bow, nothing more nothing less. Jelani can summon whatever he wants as he can manipulate the shape. His mom’s tribe are partial to glaives so he mainly uses a glaive. His weapons however are made of an unknown material that’s insanely hard and impossible to even crack. His weapons can’t be wielded by anyone other than himself bc as soon as someone else touches them they dematrerialize. It also looks weird, like it’s so dark it swallows all light and no light bounces off of it. He can’t summon armor though so that’s where the blacksmith comes in. His uncle Jørgen made his look like his dad’s and his mom’s.

[oofluc]

⌠ AXEL AURIANT, 20, CISMALE, HE/HIM ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, LUC MONTAGNIER! according to their records, they’re a FIRST year, specializing in AWARENESS TRAINING, BREATH CONTROL, HAND TO HAND COMBAT + KNIFE FIGHTING SKILLS, SWORD TRAINING, PRECISION SHOOTING, FIREARMS & SWAT TRAINING; and they DID go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of ( dried blood on busted knuckles, forced smiles and sweat drenched after training ). when it’s the (virgo)’s birthday on 09/17/1999, they always request their SEARED SCALLOPS from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation. ⌿ ooc mochi, 23, she/her, gmt ⍀  

slight warning to those who saw i originally planned him to be an anxious soft boi … i was wrong also there is a suicide mention & some subtle child abuse maybe... plus it’s kind of long ? and an incoherent mess but whatever !! plotting is welcome either on tumblr or on discord which you can find me at mochi#7066 !! his pinterest is here yes i went overboard with sections esp bc im gonna add more hdjf !! stats here and a full connection page here with most stuff i have so far ! @gallagherintro​

PARALLELS

fred jones | scooby doo

stefan salvatore | the vampire diaries

hatsuharu sohma | fruits basket

noatak | avatar: the legend of korra

FAMILY

phillipe montagnier | 54

ameline montagnier | 46

marc montagnier | ✝

luc montagnier | 20

charles montagnier | 18

elias montagnier | 18

HISTORY

the montagnier family was originally located in the south of france until luc’s grandfather moved them to quebec. their empire was in manufacturing all kinds of weaponry and selling them to governments and other spy families and organisations. if you needed something a bit obscure or unique, this was the family you'd come to.

luc grew up in a fairly isolated countryside area in a family of four brothers who he loved for the first few years of his life. first was marc, shy and respectful, luc himself two years behind, and then another two years graced the family with twins; charles and elias who lived by their own rules. marc and luc had always been close, marc was the best big brother possible and luc loved him a lot.

eventually after being pitted and forced to compete against each other for so long, it got quite personal and their bonds started being tested. their mother turned a blind eye to their father's borderline abusive methods when luc overtook his older brother in their father’s tests and training. bruises and broken bones were only natural in training so there wasn't much she could say even if she wanted to.

from as long as he could remember, he'd been firing guns. there was a shooting range on their estate and they went on hunting trips, too. his dad often had him show customers the potential of their weaponry and so he'd always been thrusted into that life whether he wanted a say or not. it’s been clear since he was around fourteen that if anyone was taking over the family business it'd be him, not his older brother, marc.

this definitely caused somewhat of a rift between him and marc, as he'd end up getting much harsher punishments when luc would disarm or ground him.

luckily for luc, he did enjoy fighting and was exceptionally gifted in the life planned out for him. he was always the most determined to gain their father's approval, which definitely showed in their results and how obedient he was in front of the man. when he finally got what he wanted, he didn't quite expect it to mean what it did. it was rare but every now and then he would kill for his dad. whether it was someone who betrayed the family or a potential threat to their business, if his dad told him to, he would, no questions asked. it was during this time he was more excluded from training with his brothers since he would be with his dad instead.

SUICIDE TW !!!!!!

his oldest brother marc was sent to blackthorne once he was eighteen and ended up committing suicide at the end of his second year, with luc set to follow the next year. this news was shocking for the montagnier family as luc's father was bitterly embarrassed and disappointed by his firstborns' death, wanting to cover it up as a murder so it couldn't be tied to the family name with such dishonour. it quickly created a divide as charles and elias defended marc's actions and revealed he'd been struggling with depression for the majority of his life, much like they did, which was all unknown to luc, who, for the first time, felt the repercussions of his father's favouritism. he had a new found rebellion against him that was violent with them going at each other's throats for the foreseeable future. luc ended up avoiding his place at blackthorne in hopes to piss off his dad and becoming more reclusive and bitter as time went on.

he really took his brother's death personally, believing he was a factor in it and wishing he'd been there for him more closely. if anyone so much as mentions marc to him he will be on guard and very easily angered. i think before marc died he was very charismatic, egotistical at times and driven whereas now he’s lost a lot of his energy and is more negative & aloof.

the following year was Rough™. he was no longer his dad's golden boy and the family dynamic shifted a lot with marc's death as luc ended up protecting his younger twin brothers instead of beating them for their dad's favour. he's certain he'd have been disowned had his mother not aligned herself with the kids as well.

i think their family dynamic is kinda like the cha family from sky castle if anyone has seen it !

luc eventually decided to enrol in school late, only to end up at gallagher instead. which... i mean, i think before marc died he was excited about attending blackthorne. so he’s bit ??? uncertain about the girls school.

PERSONALITY

genuinely i think it comes down to so many factors, whether he’s in a good mood, who’s speaking to him etc but neutrally he’s quite charming, happy to mess about a bit but more or less takes most stuff too seriously. since he’s not around his dad i do think he will explore a lot more and seek out adventure and fun but if he’s got a test or something due the next day then he’ll bail early since he is defo the type to never let his grades or performance be ruined

he’s quite cocky + likes to win no matter what so yes he will ruin a friendship to beat u at monopoly. second place is last place in his head.

at his best he can be confident, alluring, courteous, loyal… at his worst he's aggressive, destructive, apathetic and always says shit he doesn't mean !!!! will he apologize ?? unlikely but he'll try n make it right once he’s calmed down

thinks the best way to deal with things is with his fists, he’s so EASY to snap and start a fight n he’ll.... maybe apologise for it

i think he defo likes to pretend he’s got no problems and so reverts to a social, supportive friend every once in a while. the type to be brutally honest !!

he’s a definite know it all, thinks he’s the dog’s bollocks, gods gift etc !!!!! doesn’t believe in god but still. I kinda see him a bit jocky idk why but more brooding n isolating 70% of the time bc he’s easily pissed off but when he’s having fUNNNNN he’s ok like a solid guy at times just easily angered

very flirty, he's a major ladies man despite actually being GAY. which is a secret. sh. only two people know he’s gay and that’s his current beard girlfriend ellie cavanagh and childhood friend regine ren. more ppl can defo find out in time and i’m sure ppl have speculations ? maybe have seen him hooking up with guys or something when he thought no one was looking etc probs think he’s bi who knows!!! but for now those two are the only people he’s actually spoken to about it!!!! so if anyone else tries he will deny it as he’s very against the idea of coming out so will not discuss it ty pls.

and it’s not that he doesn’t enjoy sleeping with girls, he’ll be having a great time regardless but he just aint abt to love them like that pls understand

still, he is in a current relationship with ellie who is acting as his beard for him. they have ‘ dated ’ before and are off and on a lot, so they probably seem pretty toxic tbh since ellie n him can clash n argue and he defo still hooks up with other girls despite being in a relationship so feel free to kill him for cheating !

wanted connections !!!

going off the last point, maybe some of ellie’s friends who come at him for how he seemingly treats her !!!

i'd love for blackthorne ppl to have known his brother, he'd have been around about 22/23 and a fourth year now if he was still alive so ?? it might help luc with some closure if he could talk about him since it happened at blackthorne

ppl to know the family, some family friends would be amazing !!! i feel regardless of alliances etc their family would have stayed as neutral as possible since they're selling weapons so they want all the customers.

so people that know HIM while he was growing up would be interesting esp those expecting him to have joined blackthorne when he was supposed to 2 years ago, and obvs him probably changing from who they knew him as to a more negative version now

might put a wc for his twin bros as they potentially joined his arrival at gallagher as first years too but who knows. they’d be 18 so if anyone wants a family friend connection that is around that age, maybe they were closer to the twins than luc ??

he sleeps with a lot of girls to kinda ‘make sure’ no one knows he’s gay as he defo doesn't feel comfortable with being out. the guys that he sleeps with he'll always pin it on being too drunk to remember or he'll threaten them if they told etc ?? he's very on edge about it and would only hook up super secretly sooo if anyone’s down for that with him

and then obvs need a lot of ladies he’d wanna sleep with to keep his image

previous ex gfs ?? from prep schools !!!!!!!

some positive influences would be good

bad influences as well bc tho he is a bit of a party guy, he doesn’t drink loads and he doesn’t do drugs !!!!!!!!!!!!!! but…. I mean i bet he could be convinced now he’s away from home so

study / sparring buddies !!

i’d love someone to teach him pop culture n normality !! his childhood was training and competing with his bros so he defo doesn’t watch many movies or tv or play games etc so ? someone making him watch all the harry potters ?? binging parks and rec ?? he’d find it so dumb but who wouldnt enjoy it ??

[galimatios]

ok. this will be my definitive thread on 4w3. that i will type on my phone. i think the first thing abt type 4s is that theyre characterized by a profound sense of longing / loss, that there is something always just out of reach that they will never have

I believe it starts from childhood, where a person begins to see or feel that they are separate / different from others? both uniquely gifted and uniquely flawed, that a special insight has been given to them but it also separates them from everyone else ... or sometimes it's a unique wound that gives them an understanding of suffering different from others, that others cannot understand, that you yourself are somehow broken or flawed. tho we tend to conceptualize it as uniqueness, sometimes even tow it around like we're special/elite like, am i not more beautiful for my pain? is this not something special? 

we want to be understood but not TOO easily bc that would remove the unique status of our suffering. but rly its a defense mechanism for being unable to cope w the idea we're beyond saving like we were born w something missing and nothing in the world can fix it bc what we want either cannot be named or achieved in a mortal life. tho the Thing rly varies btwn individuals. 

for me it was difficult to pin down, but i think i wanted to preserve feelings id cling to? ive always been attracted to the nostalgic sadness of childhood, and the idea of immortalizing feelings of peace/happiness, bc to me those things have beauty elevated above that of normalcy. i also love abandoned things bc they contain memories i will never truly know 

and the thing that rly separates a 4 from the rest is this romanticism, a kind of need for authenticity and truth thru their entire being. we hate being fake, we hate lying about our identity, we hold onto our pain bc we believe it defines us and it gives shape to who we are. we relate to others thru our own pain and experiences, and bc we are so attuned to our own emotions ppl say 4s are gifted at putting feelings to words and expressing the nuances of emotion. 

i think the wide range of what we feel also leads to us being drawn to unique things like, many things feel emotionally shallow to us and we cannot relate to it, but things that express emotions we dont see often being extremely exciting bc we feel seen, like someone can connect w us in a way we consider important 

i think 4s can tend to come off as like, edgy and brooding bc of these traits but 4s can pick any number of things to reinforce their identity with. when we find something that connects to us, we SINK INTO IT with fuckin claws and dont let go. we claim that thing as ours and try to create an identity using all the things we've claimed.  lots of 4s i know relate to demon imagery bc of this, bc it links to that intrinsic feeling of being broken/wrong and so its easy to be like "oh i must be a demon/monster bc im Wrong" plus it's also a separation from the traditional idea of "good" and it vibes with the whole "misunderstood/apart from others" feeling. we are looking for emotions people are uncomfortable with, claiming them, and desiring the brave to look at us and say they accept us 

anyway what it REALLY is is that 4s are sensitive babies who want to be loved and accepted unconditionally despite how broken they feel. it isnt nearly as deep as they may think

but i personally dont think thats the path of actualization/integration, at least in my experience i think for me, i realized that sense of beauty/whatever tf i was looking for isnt to be found in grand sweeping statements abt life or love, or in some pinnacle of art i can never attain, but in every day simple interactions and regular ass people. may be different for others

NOW. To discuss the 3 wing. 3s are characterized by the worth they put out into the world, in the form of tangible accomplishments and experiences. im not a 3 so i cant speak with accuracy or length, but the 3 will base their worth on the judgement of social standards so you see them trying to gain monetary, academic, occupational success bc those are deemed worthy in the eyes of society. this can change depending on the society ofc but under ~late stage capitalism~ this is where we are. 

so where does a 4 fall into this. i said before the 4 hates faking, so the methodology of some 3s to meld themselves to be the most successful in their environment just doest NOT fucking vibe w the 4. so the 4w3 is kind of a fucky walking contradiction bc we crave uniqueness but also admiration. we dont want to lie abt who we are but we also want people to KNOW and appreciate us. so this manifests in a desire to share our feelings and experiences with an audience, usually within a medium that allows creative expression but it can be anything. 

point is, we want to share. for me, i do it thru creative stuff but moreso just... by talking to people and being emotionally honest and open about what makes me tick, what makes me passionate, trauma, etc, and people respond to that positively like, this is my pain, look at this beautiful thing that came out of it. 

whereas i believe 4w5s are content with keeping things to themselves. 4w3s will shift their image to some degree to fit the context but 4w5s are v much, this is me, take it or leave it bitch. anyway the contrast btwn 4 and 3 wing fucks me up bc being a 4 is already a cosmic joke but its even more hilarious when u put in that wing this is all just conjecture based on my own experience of being 4w3 BUT I HOPE ITS INTERESTING

[gladioluuss]

SEVENTEEN Album Collection

The title seemed pretty straightforward...

But please do click that Keep reading and read about what I think about the albums and some fun memories that I had with these albums.

Introduction

Welcome to the first post, I’ll be sharing with you what I have collected for the past 4 years of being a Carat. I’ve started being a SEVENTEEN fan aka Carat 3 days after their debut/ when the Adore U MV was released. When I started the entering the fandom, I promised to myself that every album of this group I’ll buy because I started when the debuted but guess what.. I dont have AL1 and Directors Cut also I only have one version for every album with multiple versions (oh come on I don’t only buy albums, I also have expenses for my living yah know!) but yeah the promise is broken. Well its okay because being fan doesn’t define how many album or merch you own right? Anyway, when I already work (I���m still a student) I’ll collect every album and complete it even the japanese version. Please Pledis stop making SEVENTEEN albums have multiple version because my wallet aches and that’s not good :(

Well enough of this long intro and let’s get going with my albums.

Content

17 Carat ; This baby over here is my very first SEVENTEEN album, well its not my very first album because I have 2 fandom before entering the Carat world so yeah. This is I think the 4th to the last copy of the physical store that I bought it to and I feel so lucky because I get to grab one before it comes out of stock in x store. They don’t stock too much album with their branches that often and it may take months and years and ya gurl here doesn’t know online shopping before so I rely on physical stores more than online stores. I got the Black Version of the 13 individual PCs that they have and its fine, its fine no worries.

Boys Be; The start of the version expansion. When its their first comeback I was like wow impressive songs and concept. Well when you’re diving into a new world, you discover a lot and at this point its not about their singing and dancing talent that I admire about SEVENTEEN but their individual special talents like Hoshi doing Choreographs and Woozi composing songs. And I REALLY LOVE THEIR TITLE SONG AND B SIDE SONGS TBH. I even played it into our new speakers and my mom loved it she even saved (songs like rock and fronting) it in her phone! I really think Mansae is SEVENTEEN’s era but still I love Adore U more than anything else (because its their first).

Love and Letter; ITS THEIR FIRST ALBUM! Well I can’t say no to buying both of the version even though its a great pain in the wallet. (TBH its pricey and heavy also haha) I love the letter version but I can’t say that I hate the love version because it has aesthetic content! I pre - ordered this but its not an online store, it is the store where I also bought the 17 Carat and Boys Be. Lucky Me! I had my very first Jeonghan PC.. though its not really a PC but still my baby <3 p.s They had their first win in this era in Show Champion! What a great memory <3

Very Nice / Love and Letter Repackage; Thank God its not a 2 version repackage album. because I’ll go nuts! I don’t have money anymore because I bought 2 versions of Love and Letter right? and its a pricey album each and my mom won’t allow it(me buying another 2 version that is pricey after buying 2 albums in the first time) so there. I really like how I got Wonwoo for the first time here :D and as for having 2 Seungkwan PCs, before it was an okay only because he is a little below my bias list but now YEAH IM HAPPY <3 OF COURSE. He is one of my bias wrecker so its good that I’ve got him (mah bb sunshine <3) 

Going Seventeen (Make it Happen); MY FAVORITE! I mean not really my favorite era but my favorite PCs <3 I got another Wonwoo and a bonus Wonwoo plus Jeonghan PC WAH <3 I ship these two and they are a very lowkey ship but I thank destiny that it exist even though only small population including me supports this ship. This is a very special album for me because so many things happened. First is its delayed for like 2 months so I’m near on giving up but when my friends (I’ll give them initials N and A) went to my house, N and A are KPop fans too like N is a die hard (BTS and SVT) and A is a little bit of a fan (2NE1 Baby); It arrived when we’re having our last day mini celebration (because I’ll be transferring school after that year) in my house. So its like we video ourselves and do an unboxing xD and it was so fun they saw first the photocards before I did. The album has 2 posters, first is the member and the second is a group poster and I GOT A WONWOO POSTER. Our adrenaline was so high that we’re screaming at the top of our lungs when they revealed it to me. Next is reading the photobook AND THE PICTURES ARGHH <3 we just screamed because of these 13 handsome princes and the last part THE PCs! I wasn’t really expecting being so lucky because I got A WONWOO AND WONWOO AND JEONGHAN PCs!!! AND WE JUST SCREAMEDDD  and after that we ate and they left but its fine because THIS MEMORY IS SO PRECIOUS <3 It occurred in 2016. 

Teen Age; This is my least favorite album. Because I wasn’t patient enough to see what the album version looks like and order ROSE QUARTZ AND SERENITY  then when the visuals came out... its black HAHAHAHAH :( I was like not ready about the album. I expected it to be full of rose quartz and serenity and with all the aesthetic feels of it but I just got disappointed with the color and the concept is just too emo for seventeen (sorry if the one reading this loves this version but personally I don’t want to lie just because I wanted to show love) but regardless of this album visuals.. The songs in the album are bop like each and every song were unique and special. Overall its a tie I think? I have a positive and negative output to it. Next time Pledis please release version name and visuals altogether okay?.

You Make My Day/ You Made My Dawn; I won’t elaborate what version are these 2 because so many version so confusing :( ( I h8 u pledis for making me broke). So the You Make My Day Album (on the left) was a gift to me (WAH <3) because my dad has a friend who went to Korea and I asked if he can buy an album and we’ll pay it but He gave it as a gift instead :D That’s a really nice experience hehe. I got Seungkwan Lenticular, to be honest I like this Seungkwan picture a lot. Then I got my 4th Wonwoo PC (he loves me <3) plus I had I cheol in the YMMDawn and 2 shuas for both YMMDay and YMMDawn. Then LOOK AT THAT HOSHI LENTICULAR UGH MY HEART. 

Some last words...

Sorry if some of the pics and blurred or too much white ;_; the lighting in my house was so awful that I had to put some extra lights (and some album picture had so much light in it and turned bad). Also excuse my feels (look at all the words that are in Caps Lock xD). I advise that if you’re just starting to collect albums, don’t rush it. Take time on collecting because if you collect albums too fast you’ll be too overwhelmed and won’t enjoy each uniqueness of the album that you bought. Also if you have albums, try to store it properly to avoid destroying in (well except if you received it with dents already.. we can’t avoid that kind of issue if its shipping tbh. Just be extra careful with the album/s that has dents.) Remember that collecting albums are pricey but if you think that you can handle it financially then I don’t think there won’t be a problem. Hope you enjoyed this first blog entry <3

Annyeong~

[ruckusheaven]

A Coon In A Colorful Heaven: Chapter 6- “Purposely Purposed Purposely..”

Coon-  A black person who is ignorant to white discrimination and unknowingly suffers with self hatred.

This Chapter continues to follow the Eternal story of a man named Damien. When we last saw Damien, he had finally met his Great Great Grandfather Julian. His Grandmother Lisa had Julian summoned so that he could help educate Damien about colorism since Julian use to believe in that mindset when he was alive. But getting through to Damien proved to be somewhat of a challenge until Damien’s Great Cousin Claudia came and showed him her life as a slave. Damien got to see and feel a glimpse of what she experience but it was so much that Damien almost Broke. The Family must now figure out a way to educate Damien without breaking him and before he fully deteriorates....

“GG” Grandfather Julian: This boy really is something special. You mean to  tell me that this man went all or at least a majority of his life never experiencing any major amount of Grief, Depression, or Heartache.

“GG” Grandfather Julian: So this lil nigga just been getting slight headaches and shit like that his whole life??

“GG” Grandma Lisa: No Julian i doubt that. But it’s very strange that he hasn’t felt any serious pain. Or perhaps he just pushed thing away so deep that he couldn’t feel those pains, plus always avoiding them.

Uncle Craig: Well Grandma you know where we come from. It’s not like he didn’t have access to plenty of ways to drown out pain or run from it..

“GG” Grandfather Julian: I get that but come on. This was a Black Man that lived on Earth in America. A BLACK. MAN. IN. AMERICA. Last i checked black folks still getting killed over racism only dropped by 15% so how the hell did this negro not feel Grief from that alone.

Aunt Tanya: Probably the same way he thinks that colorism doesn’t exist. By ignoring it

Damien: *wiping his eyes* Can you guys not talk like i’m not here

Aunt Tanya: Trust we haven’t forgotten 

Damien: Look i obviously couldn’t ignore the shit that happened to black people. Some shit was out of line that were just racist but there were alot of things that black people did that they caused themselves.

“GG” Grandfather Julian: Ok so he a Coon Coon huh

Aunt Tanya: I been said that

Damien: Can y’all not call me that..

“GG” Grandfather Julian: Why not? The name fits perfectly. You’re a black man that is ignoring racism and its affects while also suffering from it

“GG” Grandfather Julian: Boy you are literally deteriorating because of it

Damien: No im deteriorating because all of this is confusing. None of this makes sense ok?

Damien: I just died and got into Heaven just to get a history lesson.

“GG” Grandma Lisa: Damien.. you’re here because part of you doesn’t feel like you belong here and another part doesn’t know why

Damien: And you think this drawn out family gathering is helping?

Damien: Look i understand the stuff black women went through, I have Claudia to thank for that. But I don’t see what this has to do with helping me in the long run.

Damien: I want to see Veronica, i want some solid answers not these discussions on racism from a family that i barely knew!!

Uncle Craig: ...

Aunt Tanya: ...

???: If that’s what you think you need to see then fine..

*Angie Walks through the crowd of family*

Angie: I will show you where she is at but you may not like what you see *places her hand on Damien’s shoulder*

*A Gray and Silver Light Crashes down taking Damien and Angie downward*

“GG” Grandma Lisa: I sure hope my Grand Baby is ready..

“GG” Grandfather Julian: He has no choice but to be at this point...

         -Within The Gray Beam-

Damien: Where are we going and why does this feel slower than any other time we’ve been beamed away

Angie: Where i’m taking you is outside of Heaven... A realm completely for her..

Damien: So Veronica isn’t in Hell?! She made her own zone and everything?

Angie: Not Necessarily... Listen Damien what you’re about to see maybe hard..

Angie: Veronica... well.. I guess it’s best for you to see..

Damien: oook?...

*The Gray Beam light lands and dissipates, Leaving Angie and Damien behind*

Damien: Where are we now.. *looking around*

Angie: Well.. we’re in her purgatory..

Inside the room Damien and Angie were in seemed very similar to the judgement room. The room itself was very wide but felt small. The air felt cold and sharp. The colors of the walls were gray and blackish, like milky smoke on fire. The walls themselves seemed alive as the colors moved and broke apart within them. And in the middle of the room stood a Black Orb, levitating off the ground.

Damien: What is that *staring at the Black Orb*

Angie: Thats.. that’s Veronica..

Damien: *Looks at Angie* What... how is that Veronica *stares back at the orb and begins to run towards it*

As Damien ran he felt his energy begin to fade. Every step felt heavier than the last. The closer he got the more overbearing it became.

Damien: *falls to his knees panting* what the fuck is going on... why do i feel so heavy

Damien: My feet feel like clumps of wet clay and my body feels like it has a hundred pounds on it..

Angie: *walks next to him* This is her Purgatory, Her Zone of sorts. It effects everyone that is in it and each Purgatory has it’s own affects.

Damien: Then why are you perfectly ok?...

Angie: Because i’m a Angel. Our Energy far outweighs yours for obvious reasons. So rooms or zones like these can’t affect us.

Damien: Well since your an Angel that seems to have all the answers then explain that thing *points to the Black Orb*

Damien: How the Hell is that Veronica? It’s not even a person.. it’s just some big ball of energy  

Angie: And what do you think Humans are? What do you think your Soul is made out of?

Angie: Everything that was or ever has been is made up of energy. From your skin, hair, blood and even the air you breath. Energy makes up every part of it. Life is made out of energy.

Angie: All death is, is the loss of certain energy within you that breaks down and is taken away from you. Your Core... Your Soul.. it’s you’re unique energy that leaves your body and is brought to Your Judgment Room.

Angie: Heaven, The After Life, Reincarnation. What happens to your energy is completely your choice. Depending on what you believe in, you could have became one with the earth and became a tree. Nothing is impossible in that regard.

Angie: *pointing at the Black Orb* That is what happens when the energy doesn’t believe it belongs anywhere..

Damien: So this is her Hell?

Angie: Not really.. It’s like an in-between. Hell is when the energy or soul of a person refuses to believe or accept what they’ve done to themselves or others. Their energy becomes so twisted and broken that they cocoon themselves in an endless void as their energy breaks apart spreading out throughout the void, searching for something that isn’t there forever.

Damien: That’s not what i was ever told..

Angie: Well your kind mostly used the idea of hell to control people with fear. But even still you guys wouldn’t have been able to fully comprehend Hell until you got here.

Damien: Then whats happening to Veronica?

Angie: Veronica accepted all her faults kinda.. she was equally as twisted as you are when it came to knowing and understanding certain things.

Angie: But the amazing part is that she could recognize and acknowledge the confusion or lack of understanding. But she didn’t want to change either..

Angie: She saw no point in changing... no point in understanding. She felt nothing..

Damien: Nothing.. *tries to stand* how could she feel nothing..

Angie: It’s how she was raised and lived. Your energy and soul is sculpted by your experiences. Energy is pure and malleable, but can be fixated and unchangeable depending on what happens.

Angie: She spent her whole life cutting things off that she didn’t understand or want. Whether it was memories, emotions or people. She was able to completely rid things out of her life that she felt didn’t matter or that was un-needed.

Angie: You could imagine where she got the blueprints for that from *looks down at Damien*

Damien: *looks down at the ground*

Damien: So... her soul became this black orb..

Angie: More like she’s within the black orb *kneels down and opens her hand in front of Damien*

*Light Begins to form around Angie’s hand*

As light began to circle around Angie’s Palm, a distinct yet hazey image began to form.

Damien: Veronica!

A clear image of Veronica began to form in Angie’s hand. The Image showed Veronica curled up in a fetal position wrapped around black thorn like vines. Her legs and part of her torso fazed in and out, like smoke dissipating and reforming; as her face continued to break and crack into random black pieces only to quickly crash back into place.

Damien: What the hell is happening to her

Angie: There’s no human word to describe it honestly.. Her energy is basically confused, searching, disappearing, connecting, breaking and stopping all at once.

Angie: This is what Purgatory is for her.

Damien: What.. what happened to her? How could she become like this..

Angie: Sadly there’s no easy or short answer for this

Angie: But there is a way for you to understand *places both of her hands on Damien’s head*

*Both Angie and Damien Vanish into and old apartment*

Damien: *standing up fully* this?... isn’t this my old apartment 

Angie: Yes, Yes it is. Back when you were 26 and still with Lexis 

Angie: *Opens a door* back when Veronica was only 5

a little girl is playing in her room. The room has dirty stained walls covered in Bratz posters a mix of celebrities and kid drawings. Her bed is neatly made with a small old tv across from it and one window next to the bed. The carpet she’s sitting on is raggedy and hard with small stains randomly on them.

Damien: Oh my god... Veronica *tries to walk forward but is unable to*

Damien: What the hell is going on? Why can’t i walk forward? 

Angie: While inside this Memory Realm you cannot freely move. This isn’t something she is controlling, we aren’t even able to feel what she felt. Technically this isn’t her Memory Realm, its more like re-watching time itself.  We can’t interact but we can view it and see what she saw.

Young Veronica: *playing with Barbie Dolls and singing to herself*

Damien: What point in time are we at exactly?  

Angie: The day she began to realize her life and the world around her...

???: *slams door* Fuck you! This isn’t the life i wanted, this isn’t the happiness i wanted!

???:  *opens door and stomps after ???*  Not the life you wanted? This is what you chose! From me, to your job, to living here and having a daughter. These were all your choices!

Young Veronica: *peeks her head outside into the hallway and watches*

Past Damien: Regardless of everything you’re saying, i’m not happy period! No more no less!

Past Damien: And if i’m not happy then i don’t need to be here.

Lexis: So you’re just going to leave!? What about me and your daughter!

Past Damien: What about you two? One is a mistake and the other is a responsibility that i never wanted! But to be honest those could fit both of you at this point.

Lexis: You Piece of shit!! *begins to flare her arms, hits Damien in random places*

Past Damien: STOP! I’m not playing with you!!

Lexis: *Continues to swing* Fuck you Damien! You’re no better than your father!!

Past Damien: I said STOP! *pushes Lexis hard*

Lexis: *stumbles back tripping over a chair and bangs her head against the edge of a kitchen counter*

Young Lexis: *makes a small gasp while covering her mouth*

Past Damien: Lexis.... Lexis.

Lexis laid on the floor almost lifeless as a small amount of blood began to run down her neck

Past Damien: Shit... *quickly grabs his keys and runs out the room*

Young Veronica: *walking slowly towards her mom* mom..

Young Veronica: *tries to lift her mom up by lifting up her head as blood runs down her hand* mommy?....

Angie: The day that changed her forever.. The day you left...

THE END OF CHAPTER 6

[modernlcve]

*  —  stats —   naomi chamberlin !

* — basics !

full name:   naomi chamberlin. nickname(s):   none. age:   thirty - six. date of birth:   january thirty-first. place of birth:   yakima,   washington. gender:   female. pronouns:   she / her. sexual orientation:   bisexual. level of education:   high school graduate. recipient of a bachelor’s degree in international business.   completed law school.

* — physical !

tattoos:  none. piercings:   ears pierced twice. notable features:   she is just... a beautiful woman. weakness(es):   she’s so strong. scar(s):   none.

* — domestic !

occupation:   corporate lawyer. residence:  a nice lil house.  i feel like they don’t live super lavishly or anything just solidly in the suburbs. social class:   decently upper middle class. parents:   jim wang,   age 60,   her father,   he’s quiet but supportive of everything she’s ever set out to do,   so he’s golden in her book.   lisa wang,   age 58,   her mother,   she’s well-intentioned,   but it comes across as bit overbearing. siblings:  - children:   brooke chamberlin,   age 10.   zachary chamberlin, age 6.   i think that’s all we decided about them.   they’re Good kids im sure. extended family:   her mother has a sister and a brother,   both of she’s in touch with.   she lived with her paternal grandmother as a child,   but she passed away when naomi was in college.

* — personality !

positive traits:   driven.   devoted.   astute. negative traits:   hypercritical.   prickly.   a perfectionist. myers-briggs ( x ):   istj;   the logistician. temperament:  choleric. moral alignment:   neutral good. horoscope:  aquarius,   the water bearer. hogwarts house:  hufflepuff.

* — favorites !

movie:    love actually. tv show:   scandal. book:   gone girl by gillian flynn. drink:   god homegirl loves a fancy latte. food:   can smash cheese fries any day. animal:   rabbits. color:   purple. song:   we belong by pat benatar. artist:   celine dion. celebrity crush:   david beckham.

* — impressions !

first impression:  she’s a hardass.   she’s not easily trusting and she’s just about always on her last straw. she comes off as distant or rude,   but it’s generally just stress or preoccupation with something else,   and never a reflection on who she’s talking to. self impression:   overwhelmingly,   naomi knows she’s got her shit together.   every now and again,   her mother’s critiques on the way she runs her life get to her,   but for the most part,   she thinks she’s doing her best and its paying off. lover impression:   more dependent than one would assume.   she is very good at giving off the vibe that she doesn’t need anyone,   and ultimately,   she doesn’t, but boy is it nice to be supported.   she likes being coddled more than one would expect,   and gives what she takes.

* — et cetera !

turn ons:   honesty.   good sense of humor.   thoughtfulness. turn offs:   arrogance.   laziness.   immaturity. drink/drugs/smoke:   yes/no/no. dominant hand:   right. clean or messy:   clean. early bird or night owl:   early bird. hobbies or special talents:   she’s into yoga but not as into it as the vidovics so she keeps that shit to herself.  

* — QUESTIONNAIRE !

01. where was your character born? what brought them to seattle? what do they like most about the town?

naomi was born in yakima,  washington,   and came to seattle for school,   then stuck around for work and just Generally because its where she and john settled 2 start their Life together.   she likes how lively the town is and how there’s plenty of possibility within it.   its a good place for her work,   but she’d be lying if she said she’d never thought about quitting and moving to some small town with a little more Shelter from the world  ( she wouldn’t actually like that but she definitely idealizes it from time to time ).

02. who are your character’s friends and family? who do they surround themselves with? who are the people your character is closest to?

naomi’s family has essentially followed her to seattle.   her sister,   ally,   with whom she has a tumultuous relationship,   moved to seattle after she graduated from high school,   making it easier for naomi to clean up her messes.    her parents moved out a year or so before zachary was born.   her mom acknowledged that she struggling a little bit with her and john’s careers both taking off on top of having a toddler and decided that the thing to do would be to move close and help them Manage.   john and the kids are clearly the family that are most important to her,   and everything she does is some kind of effort to keep them all together and happy.   she’s kept in touch with a few of her friends from college and has general work buddies but her friends are mostly just john’s friends who put up with her because she’s john’s wife.

03. what is your character’s biggest fear? who have they told this to? who would they never tell this to? why?

naomi is still afraid that she’s not doing Enough.   she knows she has a lot on her plate and she desperately tries to make sure that she’s juggling it all well,   but it’s stressful.   she doesn’t take a lot of time to reflect but when she does,   she’s her own biggest critic,   because she’s gotten enough praise in her life to not understand why she feels like she’s barely getting by as a lawyer/mother/wife every now and then.   she keeps that to herself,   because she thinks if she dumped it on somebody else she could add bad friend to the list too.   the one person she did express some of this too was david,   because she felt that of anyone she knew,   he would understand it  ( he did,   and then he killed himself,   which is an Interesting thing for her 2 think about it ).

04. has your character ever been in love? had a broken heart?

naomi is still in love with john.   she didn’t date much before him,   she was very focused through high school on getting into undergrad,   and then focused in undergrad on getting into law school,   and she didn’t make much time for falling in love and getting her heart broken.   john was her first love and she’s pretty sure he’ll be her last   ( either because they’ll go the distance or he’ll kill her ).   this feels like the kind of place 2 also drop my own personal headcanon that john was naomi’s First Time tm and yeah she spent like a month trying to decide if he was the right one/it was the right time she wanted the circumstances to be Just Right.  

06. it’s saturday at noon. what is your character doing? give details.

if she’s not working,   she’s with her kids,   no other options.   she tries to get as much weekend time off as possible to go to soccer games or take dumb day trips to aquariums or literally Anything that’ll help her make some Sweet memories with her babies.   she feels guilty that she has to work so much so she really will just let them call the shots on what they do when they’re together,   but the together part is all that really matters to her anyway.

07. what is one strong memory that has stuck with your character since childhood?

she remembers a trip she took to visit her uncle and his family when she was little.   he had sons and they were all generally young and around the same age so there was a very us against them dynamic between naomi and ally and them.   she remembers building a girls only fort and helping her sister braid her dolls’ hair,   and its one of the few times they’ve stood in Solidarity in their life.

09. what is something that upsets your character? where do they go when they’re upset?

naomi’s weird because like.   there’s an extent to which she doesn’t sweat the small stuff but at the same time if just the right thing hits her microchip shes done for.   she’s the kind of person to bottle things up and then be made upset by something small.   she likes to take a long bath and just check the fuck out and not have to think for five minutes thats all.

10. when your character thinks of their childhood kitchen, what smell do they associate with it? why?

her dad owned a retro style diner and that was the kind of food he had always been passionate about cooking.   he tested anything that went into the shop at home first,   so there were a lot of smells happening a lot of the time.   he spent a really long time trying to Perfect a unique meatloaf so the Heavy smells associated with that stand out to her.