#i dont know what im doing anymore but my parents will keep paying for everything and I'll keep smiling at family gatherings

[mainfaggot]

another shit fucking day but in the most casual way possible bc all i did was sulk study cry study sulk and finally, sulk in the shower. chai next and then bed . fuck my stupid baka life forrealsies

[br0-k3n-sch00lb01]

Aaaaaah what a time to exist

my brain is so empty when it comes to making posts that people actually care about

i wanna change my maintag to something other than charlie rants.. but i’ve been using it for too long to do that…

i guess its cus most of my posts arent rants they are just nonsense that i am spouting to anyone who particularly pays attention to them (aka nobody,,) what even are these posts anymore

im gonna spout about life instead of other things!! Because… i suppose i should talk about my life more.. since i never do

and thats kinda what blogs are for, hm?

I… went to get froyo with my friend… it was fun but it was like 25 bucks for two people…

he has a crush on me, and i… dont know how i feel about him at all.

im not sure really what my sexuality is anymore… i feel like sometimes i’m massively gay because oh my god men… but then other times i think of ever being in a relationship and it grosses me out… so then i think maybe i’m aro…

i finished watching Madoka Magica Rebellion today!!

it was good… though they skipped over parts in the manga that i really liked… its okay though

it was worth 4 dollars to rent…

it’s almost my birthday…

i wonder if people got me what i asked for.?

hopefully somebody got me the Madoka cosplay i wanted…

i don’t think i’ll be able to afford it myself haha

my grandma has me in therapy right now. I don’t really feel like it’s helping me at all…

but she says i have to do it and she won’t let me go out of it until she thinks i’m ready. i don’t think i’m ever getting out of therapy, if that’s the case.

i don’t really like my family situation. I know compared to others, i have life pretty good. But sometimes i feel like all they care about is keeping me alive so that they dont get accused of bad parenting. Or forcing me to get good grades so that the teachers don’t have to talk to them about how awful i am at everything.

not because they care about my future or anything. because they DON’T care about my future. No matter how much they say they do. You can just sort of tell.

i got my Len Kagamine cosplay a little while ago… my grandma said it was an Amazon pick… but it’s not really as good as the one i picked out…

I’ve been thinking about @n3hmof1sh and @ffelix143 a lot lately!!

i talk about Nehmo and Felix constantly to anybody who listens..

or even if they don’t really listen…

my friends haven’t been responding to my texts. I think they’re ignoring me.

i think maybe i’m being too much of a burden on them… annoying them all the time…

i’m sure some of my friends on here understand what i mean… i don’t really do much outside of tumblr, to be honest

i sort of wish there was no real world, and i could live here in tumblr with the people that actually care… people that i would do anything to spend time with off of a screen..

i’ve gotten so attached to my stupid screens that i really don’t know what else to do without them. I’ve lost any sense of worth in real activities.

i think that’s a bad thing.

but that’s okay.

[metalmusicwhore]

vent post kinda? or maybe it’s a rant idk just feelings ig AUUGHH

I really REALLY don’t wanna fucking go back to school I’m actually so stressed out. I have like no friends even the ones I do have I haven’t talked to like all summer and this fucking cheer team im on is gonna be the end of me I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD. The girls are so fucking rude I have no ABSOLUTELY ZERO friends on the team nobody fucking talks to me the coaches yell constantly ANDFUCKING SINGLE ME OUTLILE MAAM MISS GIRRL THIS IS SIDELIND FUCKING CHEER IVE BEEN A COM CHEERLEADER FOR OVER FIVE YEARS DO FUCKING TELL ME HOWW TO DO SHIT YOU SAW ME AT NATIONALS DONT DO THIS SHIT TO ME YOU FUCKING WHORE IHATEYOU STOP FUCKING TELLING ME THIS IS HARDER THAN COMP CHEER ITS FUCKING KOR AHEOEBAMDD

I really wanna quit the team but I fucking can’t my parents won’t let me because they’ve already payed for it like I know it costed hella money but don’t you think my mental health and me still being alive matters more DONT YOU THINK THAT YOUR OWN KID YOUR FLESH AND BLOOD MATTERS MORE THAT PAPER WTF ACTUALLY WTF IVE BEEN DOING THIS SHIT FOR YEARS I WANT A BREAK IM SO TIRED OF IT EVERY TEAM IVE BEEN ON THE GIRLS ARE RUDE LAST TAM I WAS ON WAS BETTER BC I HAD MY BEST FRIEND BUT I MOVED AWAY AND NOW INHAVE NOBODY I CANT DO THIS SHIT ANYMORE LIKE I ACTUALLY CANT

MY MENTAL HEATH IS DEGRADING BC OF THIS MY SH PROBLEMS ARE COMING BACK AND I CANT EVEN TELL MY PARENTS BC THEY FUCKING YELL AT ME SAYING THAT IT HURTS THEM MORE THAT IT HURTS ME LIKE HHHUUUUUUUUUHHHHH WTF DO YOU MEAN YOU DICKHEADS WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE ACTUALLY WTF

IM SO TIRED OF FEELING THIS WAY I CANT GET AWAY FROM IT SSSIIGH HUGE FUCKING SIGH I JUSST WANT THINGS TO GO BACK TO NORMAL I JUST WANNA FEEL NORMAL BUT I FUCKING CANT IM LOSING SLEEP OVER THIS IM MOT EATING BC IM SO STRESSED ABOUT EVERYTHING

My parents tell me “you’re only a teenager you have the rest of your life to look ahead you don’t need to be stressed about anything” YES I DO YES I FUCKING DO YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO STRUGGLE LITERALLY STUGGLE TO NOT KYS EVERYDAY YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO GET MADE FUN OF FOR HAVING SH PROBLEMS YOU DONT KNOW WHAT UTS LILE TO HAVE UOUR OWN BROTHER RAT ON YOU ABT YOUR SH AND HAVE YOUR PARENTS YELL AT YOU FOR HOURS NOT EVEN HELING JUST YELLING AND MAKING YOU FEEL WORSE ABOUT EVERYTHING

THERES NOT GONNA BE THE REST OF MY LIFE IF THIS SHIT KEEPS UP I CANT EVEN TALK ABOUT IT MY MUM FUCKING LAUGHS IT OFF AND SAYS IM FUL OF SHIT LIKE I CANT HAVE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES BITCH I FUCKING DO IVE HAD THEM FOR YEARS YOU FUCKING FAG WHY DONT YOU BELIVE ANYTHING I SAY AASUUUGGHHHHAHAKEHKWAOJDLSKALS MAKES ME SO MAD SO FUCKING MAD I CANT PUT IT INTO WORDSAAAAARRRGGGGGGGGAGAGEUJEJEKWKWORJDJN

I actually can’t fucking do this anymore I’m trying so fucking hard not to kms rn I’m so scared to do it but I can’t live like this anymore I can’t even talk about it without being yelled at I need help but I’m scared to talk about it with my parents BIGGEST FUCKING SIGH I HATE EVERYTHING RN I CANT BE HAPPY I CANT BE SAD I CANT DO ANYTHING PLEASE JUST KILL ME NOW IM NOT FUCKING JOKING ITS MY TIME TO GO ITS BEEN MY TIME TO GO IVE SERVED MY TIME ON THIS PLANET JUST FUCKING KILL ME ALREADY ITS NOT THAT FUCKING HARD PLEASE IM BEGGING AT THIS POINT I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS

[stargazer0001]

there is something deeply wrong with me but I dont know what it is

like bestie im not talented im traumatized. Im not wasting a gift im trying to keep myself from plunging a knife in my chest and bleeding out in my bed. Like void, please shut the fuck up.

but then when other people vent to me, even if I TRY to care, I just dont. Like im sorry. I want you to feel better. But wtf am I meant to do. Like sorrows, sorrows, but I cant even deal with my own emotions what makes you think I can help with yours???????? And then I TRY. I TRY to help knowing that I cant, I TRY to care even though I dont, I TRY to make it known that I want them to feel loved and cared for, but nothing works. And then I feel like a piece of shit who deserves to rot away in a corner for all eternity!!!

Oh and speaking of rotting away, SCHOOL. I can't pay attention. Like if its not interesting I just zone out and start questioning my reality. And then im like 'wtf are we doing now'. Its actual torture what. And when I TRY to pay attention and actually LEARN I literally just end up drawing on my paper or my mind starts to wander. BUT THEN THE FUCKING THINGS MY TEACHERS ARE SAYING MAKE NO SENSE!! LIKE GIRLIE HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO KNOW WHAT TO DO IF YOU DIDN'T TAKE ME THROUGH A THOROUGH STEP MY STEP PROCESS HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THIS. And then I DONT SPEAK UP BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY HAND CHOPPED OFF THEN SPEAK TO A TEACHER. Like. Then, everyone else seems to immediately understand everything?? Some people talk back to teachers??? Some people WANT to talk to teachers??? Who are you and how. Oh and then my classmates??? Literally horrible. I want them to die. Thankfully i have a couple friends in my classes which makes it a bit more bearable, but NO KEENAN OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR NAME IS, STOP DANCING AND SCREAMING, STOP BEING SO UNBEARABLE, STOP BEING A DICK. LIKE DUDE I BET YOU DONT EVEN GOT ONE. LITERALLY STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE. And its this one certain friend group who is actually the WORST. Like im TRYING to pay attention and then all of a sudden one of these kids starts yelling at another, stuff is thrown, and nothing gets done. BUT THEN THE TEACHERS DO NOTHING. THEY DONT CARE. BUT THEN WHEN SOMEBODY ELSE TALKS EVEN ONCE ITS IMMIDIATELY PRINCIPLES OFFICE???? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE IM ACTUALLY GOING INSANE SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST KILL ME.

oh and then out of school isn't even better at all. I just want to waste away in my room. Everything always hurts and I just want to be with friends but I know that nobody can or wants to hang out with a sad waste of oxygen like me. And then when im trying to go to bed I just hear the crashing of glass, my parents having a screaming match, and then my mom going back to drinking her sorrows away while my dad continues to try and sleep. Like please im so tired just let me go into my happy place and attempt to die in my sleep. And then whenever its even around 6:00 my mom immediately starts acting drunk even if she's had nothing so what the fuck is up with that. And then she tries to gaslight me into doing things??? Like at this point im immune. I dont even give any fucks anymore because I tried doing that and it just got me hurt. So why even care anymore. So what the fuck is the point in trying to live laugh love when I just wanna off myself. Like no. Die cry hate is my new motto at this point.

and then, to top it all off, if I try venting ANYTHING to the one person I know who understands, he just asks 'oh, is it your time of the month?'

like please just kill me at this point. Take me out of the hell called living. Im so close to just dying please help.

[artific3r]

In my wait au, all the future turtles like. Settle down and get jobs and stuff. They did their time now they wanna relax and have mundane worries.

Future guys:

Raph- becomes a middle school teacher in the undercity. Before he gets his memories back, he volunteers on weekends. And gets married and divorced. After he gets his memories back, eventually, he adopts some kids, so his weekends get busier.

Donnie- starts his own tech company, and starts making and innovating prosthetics. (Im also considering making him enter a polycule with Kendra's and Jase's parents because it would be SO funny to me but idk jury's still out on that one.)

Mikey- opens a fusion craft store/tattoo parlor. I dont totally know how this would work but he does it.

Cassandra and Leo- take over the Lou Jitsu School on Ninjutsu and start running it. Cassandra specifically works on like expansion and opening new locations while Leo is just happy to train the next generation.

April- I was going to say news reporter, but tbh? I don't think thats a dream she can go back to, after everything that happened to her. Its the dream of an April that died long before April actually died.

I think she bounces around alot of stuff for a while, and lands on studying magic and eventually opening a potion shop in the undercity.

Casey jr.- I think he sticks with the present turtles and keeps helping them be heros. I dont think he particularly knows how to slow down, but i also dont think he wants to. As he gets older, eventually he gets a job working part time with a mechanic. Their name is Car Engine and they start dating Mikey on and off again

Present guys:

Unlike the future turtles, these guys dont retire, so they are still doing heroing and as such cant really open and run their own businesses. But they do get some downtime, so this is what they do with it.

Donnie: I think he takes a bunch of online college classes and gets a degree and starts like. Doing remote work for Nasa. Why would nasa accept donnies strange and unpredictable schedule? Its simply the price they pay for his intellect

Raph: Helps out at the school with Future!Casey and Future!Leo. He also volunteers every once in a while

Mikey: becomes an influencer :(

Leo: tries to become an influencer :(

Okay but actually

Mikey: Does freelance art online, and does graffiti art. Also pursues an online degree in art

Leo: okay he actually does try to become an influencer for a bit, but after that falls through he bounces around a couple things for a while.

Starts doing college classes to become a veterinarian, drops out. Helps out at the lou jitsu school for a bit, but has to stop due to his injuries during the krang invasion. I think he ends the story still figuring himself out, which is okay. Normalize not knowing what you want! He does join an improv club though.

Also meets a particular rabbit yokai who works at run of the mill pizza and they start dating 👀 👀 👀

Cassandra: Starts doing work to help provide opportunities to former convicts and stuff. Specifically, she works with the future guys to get them jobs.

April: she becomes a news reporter. Just because it wasnt what future april wants anymore doesnt mean its not what present april wants.

[leeyanyanyaaan]

15 / 09 / 2023

altho i did listen to "social path" during its release (lisa my beloved im so happy they did a collab <3) today was the first time i watched the mv and rlly payed attention to the lyrics... and i began to realize how relatable this song felt to me. searching for the english translation all the more proved it. for an upbeat song, i seem to have grown an emotional attachment to it ^^;

i'll properly write it out into a story one day, but for now, here are the thoughts i've noted down as i listened to social path again and again. here, i write about my dream to eventually leave home and get to live my own life (originally, i was writing it out in 3rd person as i was planning to turn it into a skz x reader fic... but you'll see that it eventually got personal XD)

• "Gave up my youth for my future" lived a life predetermined for them by their parente, had to sacrifice many things they wanted, "gave up my youth" to follow along to what their parents told them, never experiencing much happy childhood memories

• "I just want to rise up stronger" after years of living their life like this they want to break free and become strong and independent - their own person

• Verse 1: they've left home, escaping the environment that once had them completely under control; now they're living on their own, only have themself to depend on. it's daunting but liberating at the same time. their family berates them for choosing to leave everything behind because they didn't want to live that way anymore and want to live their own way, but they think otherwise, that they've endured enough to suppress their desires and temptations to please them and that despite no longer wanting to go through it anymore, they've grown stronger because they were able to make the difficult decision to save themself and choose independence. their past experiences were painful, but enduring it has made them stronger, and they can only face forwards towards the future because there won't be a second time

• Prechorus: they know the path they've chosen is going to be a lonely one because everyone who used to love them has now turned away from them because of their decisions. they're in a new environment/situation where they only have themself to depend on, but they won't give up and fall after how far they've come, they know that their family wants them to give up and run back home to them. it's a bittersweet feeling, painful, but also hilarious that their family ever thought they'd want to live that life forever. their inner demons haunt them, but it's okay now, they're now reminders of why they chose this path.

• Chorus: you only live once, I'm ready to take on this path no matter what anyone else says. "This path was meant to be my dream," I've longed to finally be able to do this, despite all the hurt I've suffered for this, I don't regret my decision, so call me crazy, "down on this road, call it the social path"

• Verse 2: I know this hard decision is something that will haunt me for a long time. I've parted from people in my life, my family being the hardest to leave. I've seen many come and go, so even if I end up on my own, it'll be fine, I will fight for myself

• Bridge: there's no way back to the past to mend any old regrets, I dont want to go back to the past anyways, so I'll just keep moving forward and looking towards the present. Even if I get lost on the way, even if I take this journey all on my own, I'll keep going and reach my goal: to live the life I want.

thoughts? i might make a seperate skz (+ lisa 😳?) x reader in the end with a dystopian setting... but rn im still rlly in my angsty feels over this song so it probably wont be until a while XD nonetheless, i hope you like my interpretation of social path :)

[anandasamsara]

i guess im in a new low for my depression

im kind of afraid of going outside. its not really fear, but its uncomfortable to think about getting out of the house and i feel like i dont deserve to??

which tangles with the "there are relatively good things happening between the bad ones, but the good things happening arent the ones that should be happening, so i cant feel good about them"

like, i guess my parents are actually really divorcing this time, which is the bad thing, but ive been able to get a few conventions down for the next two months, which should be good, but what i actually need to happen is a real job that i can use to pay rent if/when my dad goes away, which is both bad and good, bc i dont actually want a job bc i dont feel like i can put up with any more stress, but i do want dad to leave bc its been impossible with him here, so i need the job...

my anxiety has also been manifesting as rashes and acne bc the feeling isnt enough anymore for my brain to let me know there are things wrong all around even tho theres not much i can do about it other than worry

i also dont feel human bc i dont want to deal with everything, i dont want a job, i dont want to feel, ive been sleeping for like almost 15 hours per day, havent washed my hair in two weeks and dont feel any motivation to keep going

im trying tho, but the only thing that makes me feel a little bit better is thinking about the big convention thats coming up in july, but i know i shouldnt be thinking about it bc i need a stable job and income to pay the bills, and then it stresses me out and i feel burnt out and not wanting to exist

and then i catch myself thinking on how much better my mom's life would have been if i wasnt born, and then i blame my parents for everything bc i sure as hell didnt ask to be here and have to deal with expectations in a world that will never be accomodating to any of my limitations that i only learned i had after becoming a legal adult bc i was the gifted child and never had to think about it before

and this limitations keep surprising me still bc now i cant keep up with my friends for most things, i cant lift much weight even tho my arms can take it, i cant go up anything steeper than a 20° angle without struggle, cant be on my feet for more than 4 hours a day, and if its cold or too hot it goes down to 2 hours max, if i get cramps on my left leg it can take up to 3 days to get better and who know wht can happen if i fall down stairs again. theres a hook holding the bone in place, and if i break it, no idea if it can be fixed

and im still called lazy, or irresponsible, or someone has the guts to send me a job offer of babysitter or tell me that if i have to leave the post grad to be a cashier in a supermarket, that's life for me

i did leave, i cant afford it and it was turning out to be an awful place with awful professors

i was counting with the conventions to keep the post grad and try to go back to therapy, but this is the second month with none and as i get desperate, i also get hit repeatedly with my own limits and my own self worth that says i only have my body in this life so i shouldnt sacrifice it, but then i know i wont have much choice soon, so again, why am i even here to start with? i did not sign up for this, i do not want to be here

[bpdonni]

im falling apart and i dont know if i can fix it.

ive never felt worse in my life. ive been in the psych ward twice, but those times don't hold a candle to now.

i cant afford to live. i cant afford to die. my family can see that im struggling-the very ugly and worst parts of myself are on full blast. im hurting everyone, especially cedric. he's just trying to keep everything afloat, but im too busy in my own head to do what i need to in order to make up for it. most people who interact with me hate me. i always wondered why, but as i lay around in this ball ive been in all day, im realizing that everything i was put through was too much. it made me into a monster. im always mooching off my mom and brother but they hardly ever even message me anymore. my own fucking father hates me. my best friend in the world got tired of my shit. ive become tired of trying, so i only really try at the one thing that keeps me useful at all. the only thing that is keeping me alive, but killing me even more: work. i like my job! but its lonely because of the night shift, and that im too awkward to try to make any friends there.

my coping mechanisms are further dragging me down. ordering food when we can't afford it at all. hypersexuality. self-isolation. it's making me a selfish, horrible person. but was i ever not a shitty person? i don't think so. all i have to offer anymore is the money i make that very barely keeps us afloat. and i keep going to the train station, but i just... can't end it. i want to. but i can't bring myself to do it. whether it's because of the stop being crowded, or chickening out, or realizing me dying won't actually lessen the load on my family... i know this last point to be true in theory, but what good am i doing here? i dont have the energy to be the parent i need to be. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE A PARENT I LOVE THEM I SHOULDN'T FEEL LIKE THIS BUT WHY DID THEY DO THIS TO ME WHY THE DUCK AN I THE ONE PICKING UP THE PIECES IM BIPOLAR AND BPD IM DOOMED BY THE MOTHERFUCKING NARRATIVE WHY ME WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY IM DESTINED TO KILL MYSELF IM NOT GONNA LIVE PAST 30 SO WHY AM I THE FUCKING ONE WHO HAS TO DO THIS WHY COULDN'T THEY STAY OFF METH WHY DO THEY REFUSE TO LOVE ME- ah i can't blame them on that last part i hate me too. that's in large part their fault. and the part of my life that i cling to, the one thing i know for certain: my queerness. i love it but why couldn't it be something that you know people liked? so many people voted for donald fucking trump so they could see people like me kill themselves for their comfort? why do i need to be the bigger person and deal with it? i can barely think of anything else besides death, WHY? my baby polar bear. it occurred to me that i think she was actually only 10 or 11. what did i do wrong? i know the answer to that. couldn't afford to take her to the vet when i KNEW something was wrong? now instead of paying back the vet, im drowning in the costs to cremate her. god, i cant get her face out of my mind. i tried to close her eyes, her mouth, but rigor mortis had set in too much. i could smell the death on her not quite breath. i took the responsibility of making sure the kids and my partners didn't have to see that. i wish she hadn't been alone. i wish that i had checked her cage as soon as i came home. god, the smell of death is one that you never forget. i can still smell it now. from when i saw the decapitated corpse and her sloughing skin, to boo boo... this is the most raw look of death ive ever seen, two instances in the past couple of months. it's gross, it's ugly, it's scary. so why do i want to be dead so bad? why do i want to do this to everyone i love? why can't people see that im in complete fucking ruin? it's starting to become pretty apparent now, but still. i can't really... get this out. because if i tell anyone the extent, my trips to the train station, typing my legal information in my phone when i forgot to bring my id, because i was so sure that time that i was going to do it. ive also been staring longingly out the window of the 7th floor at work, thinking about taking the elevator to the 10th floor and jumping. it'd be a nice view before i go at least. i could also take all the pills in the house (except the others prescriptions.) weve got all these huge bottles of tylenol- talked to my husband. theyre making me a grilled cheese.

[hotpocket-craft]

trigger for pet death

so. we just put down the family dog on tuesday. it was very peacful as we had the doctor come to the house nad do it there and she was very nice and didnt rush us. but it was hiss time to go. he was diagnosed with diabetes about a year ago and we have been religiously giving him his insulin every 12 hours, prolonging his life. but the past few months he's been slowly getting worse, we would up the insulin dosage which would slightly help. but over the past weekend he stopped eating and would drink vigorously, signs that he was in diabetic ketosis. and we brought him to the vet but they said they could TRY to get him out of it by keeping him there for 3 days ($$$$$$$) but ultimately it was just a bandaid and it would happen again. so we decided to bring him home and monitor him but that night he just would barely move and we had to put diapers on him. so in the mornign we called the people that do housecall euthanasia and they came that evening to do it. by the end of the day i was surpirised he had made it that far, his organs were definitely already shutting down. but all that is to say, now i feel incredibly guilty not about Cooper who passed, but Benji, my other dog who was present at the passing.

Cooper was our only dog for a long time, maybe6/7 years before I got old enough to pay bills and wanted my "own" dog, that is where benji comes in. i love benji with all my heart and want him now to experience everything there is to offer in life. before its too late. before he gets old and cant find joy in it anymore. but i cant have dogs in the condo i live in. The condo i live in is my brothers so i live rent free in a supportive environment of my transition, away form my parents but also away from benji. My parents take care of benji for me but i pay the bills for him. But i feel guilty now because i barely get to see benji. i moved into the place aroound march f this year and barely get to see benji and now i miss him so much i literally skipped class today to go see him and take him on a walk and spend time with him. I dont know why im writing this i just feel so horrible and life is so fragile and it sucks mega balls that dogs ont live as long as we want them too. im saving up to try and buy my own place one day but i fear that by the time i can afford it, benji will be to old to enjoy it. he is almost 5 now. i dont know what to do. and im a baker for work so i have to go to the store to do the baking so i cant just sit on a computer and have him near me all day. and my job gives me good benefits so i dont want to just quit for just any job out there that can keep me at home or in an office. BUT i am in school for another year and a half and when i have my bachelors maybe then i can get a job in an office and bring him. i just dont know what to do because i want to change how my life is going because i want to spend more time with my dog. idk. you can give advice or not i dont care im just sad and i have therapy today so i will talk there about it.

[hekkoto]

What a scary monster! I wonder if... I could fuck it? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

hi darklings... I really dont know how much more I can stand ;-; it was waaay easier when I just didnt remembered almost anything cause now even good memories are causing so much pain. Im on spiral of selfdestruction, I drink all the time and take more pills than I should and I know it will end bad if I dont stop. I just cant stand it, I feel so awful. Im trying to make it better, I bought myself ecigarette, one of those you just use and throw away when its empty. Of course I bought one without nicottine cause welp, I dont smoke ;p all I need now is another addiction >XD I did it cause when you smoke you breathe deeper and breathing deeper helps to calm you down. So yeah, Im trying this. It kinda helps. But I guess the most is a lot of support from my husband and I talked with my mom and my parents will pay for my therapy so hopefully it will help me too. Im waiting for psychiatrist appointment to ask for meds for ADHD but also for prescribing therapy and I just want to tell her Im doing awful. Borderline is hell

Last time I was feeling so bad I planned to die before turning 20, now Im not sure if I will live to my 30'.... I gonna keep fighting but I just cant take it anymore. The worst is that no matter how many times people would tell me to stay strong and that Im worth and Im no problem I always feel like the most worthless shit and that Im just a burden to everyone. Wouldnt everyone be happier if I just was gone?

Doing even simpliest task is soooo hard now. Im sorry Im barely online and Im super slow with everything but even brushing my hair is too much ;-; Its so frustrating I cant do anything.... Im really sorry pumpkins you have to wait, I hope it will get better soon cause from bad situation Im in awful one now =,=

But hopefully I will be able to push though it, now when my parents gonna pay for my therapy and I was told by Sims Ytuber that from all donates in August she will be supporting 2 fundraisers and one is mine <3 I hope maybe things will get at least a bit better. I mean, Im in hellish situation so if you could please consider donating to my fundraiser or Kofi >.> or Patreon or anything I would be super grateful. I mean, I have nothing to lose, if things wont get better I gonna die and I guess I just accepted my fate

wanna support my evil dark empire? Im accepting souls on Patreon and Ko-fi! -> Hekkoto Huge thanks to all of my Patrons and people who donate <3

[paulmccartneymybeloved]

this is another I'm gonna talk about my own life post because I don't have anywhere else I can talk about it and I'm seriously struggling atm, if you don't want to read it that is okay I will not be offended :)

I do not know what I wanna do with my life and I am so miserable and I feel like im a failure

I'm failing Uni, I can't seem to get a job, I am so lonely! I do have friends but I feel most of them are the type of friend to do fun stuff with and not the type to sit with me and talk with me as I go through whatever is happening to me rn

I feel hopeless and I'm just so so so so so tired and I don't know what to do anymore

My mother and I had a huge argument earlier and she hasn't apologised and it's insane to have seen her since just being normal and like it didn't happen, it's ruined my day, possibly my week, and she's just happy that she "won" because I ended up sobbing. Good job Mum!!!! Way to go!!!! She wonders why I really wanna move out? It's a mystery!!!! I cannot possibly think of why!

She criticised everything about me.

She was going on about how I hate home and my family, which I mean, I do, but I haven't told her that because I interact with my family as little as possible to prevent these fucking arguments. She thinks I hate it here because I often get irritated with the people in my household, but that just happens when you live with people. I do hate it here but she makes it out that I constantly parade around going 'it's awful here I hate it so much and I hate you all' when I don't, I just sometimes get annoyed with my living situation when not at uni because of how drastic a change it is and I much prefer living nearer to a big city to this rural area that I have to deal with at home - "I don't know why you've come home to be honest" I quite literally had no other choice, but right now, living on the streets of Liverpool seems like it would actually be the better option.

I have expressed that after Uni I would like to move out straight away if possible and I'm continuously having that used against me. Sorry I have plans for after Uni I guess? Sorry I don't wanna live in the middle of fucking nowhere for the rest of my life? Sorry that I actually want to get out into the world after you tried SO desperately to stop me going to Uni at all?

It is so evident that my parents had my sister and I because they wanted children who were the carbon copy of them and now that we aren't, it's a problem!

She's constantly on at me about Uni as if I'm not trying! I am!!! If I didn't care about Uni, I would give up. I am not someone who perseveres unless I actually want to - I quit doing Tae Kwon Do *just* before I got my black belt. I was so close but because I didn't actually want to do it anymore, despite the fact that all I had to do was persevere for a bit longer, I stopped because it was no longer bringing me joy.

I LOVE Uni! I love learning, I love lectures, I love education, I love expanding my knowledge!! I just have a hard time applying what I have learned when it comes to doing so and I keep on getting seen as lazy and not as struggling, when I am struggling, but I feel like im someone who wants to prove I CAN do it despite all of the struggles but it's seeming harder and harder and I feel like if I asked for help from Uni when I haven't up to this point, I'd get made fun of even though I know I wouldn't.

I hate arguing with my mother because she does what my dad thinks he can do. When my dad and I argue, it's meaningless shouting that I pay no attention to. My mum knows what to say to hurt me.

Next, she made fun of the fact that I have that club night that I really enjoy going to. I am a bit obsessed with it, I will admit, but that's because it brings me so much joy. I dont have a tattoo for it for no reason. I feel like I belong there and that people actually enjoy being around me there and it gives me something to look forward to going to in the near future, instead of waiting months for gigs I have tickets to. She said "it's all you care about, it's all you talk about" - a bit yeah. It's the only in real life thing that brings me that much joy. My parents complain when I unhealthily obsess over celebrities, when I was a teenager thye were begging me to go out and talk to people instead of only watching Dan and Phil - I am now obsessed with something that gets me out of the house and being sociable and that gets criticised too.

During the argument we had, any time I said something she had said or done had hurt my feelings, she said, "well it's not like that" or "you've taken that the wrong way" or "I didn't mean it like that". She "knows" and "understands" me and is "willing to listen to and help me" - all she knows about me is that I like Dan and Phil, The Beatles, and the club night that I go to, and any time I've tried to speak to her about anything, it ends up in an argument similar to (but not as intense as the one we had) today.

I said something about my dad and she said she'd speak to him about it and I asked her not to and she said ok she won't, last time that happened where I said something and she said she'd speak to my dad about something and I asked her not to and she said she wouldn't, she lied about doing so!!! She had talked to him!!! and she wonders why I don't fucking tell her anything!!!!

The massive argument we had today started because ive been complaining about my lack of sleep recently, I haven't slept well at all since I got home from Uni. I was getting like 9-12hrs of sleep a night at Uni, here I get 4-6hrs and ive tried cutting down on caffeine, I've tried waking up early with an alarm so that I'm tired in the evening so I go to sleep earlier, I've tried going on walks to physically tire myself out and I just cannot sleep for more than 4-6hrs and it's really taking a toll on me. I was complaining about it and I, of course, was met with my mother saying "well I don't sleep much and I just have to get on with it" and we had a bit of a disagreement but nothing major.

I've started journaling recently, just in a notebook from the shop - nothing fancy with a lock or anything, because I have always really struggled with being sad/angry/upset (probably because negative emotions have always been criticised in this household!) and I'm trying journaling as a way to deal with those emotions in a healthy way - rather than keep those feelings in and get more worked up and more sad/angry/upset as a result of not having an outlet. The minor argument/disagreement about me frustrated with not being able to get decent sleep bothered me enough to journal it, so i started journaling it and my mother said "go on and slag me off in your book". I am being criticised for dealing with how she made me feel, in a healthy way, because she doesn't like the idea of being spoken about negatively. I got the notebook and started journaling for this exact reason, so that rather than unload feelings to a friend, fpr example, I could journal them so that I got them out but also noone else has to know - and I'm still criticised. Whenever she's ever seen/heard me express how I feel about an argument or a disagreement I've had with her, she's always had a problem with it. Am I not allowed to feel?

There is so much tension and anger in this household and I feel like im walking on a tightrope that might snap constantly. There is no physical abuse, I should say for the sake of clarity, I am not in immediate danger - there's just so much that's not spoken about and I feel we all are always avoiding certain topics of conversation because everyone will end up shouting and screaming at eachother at a moments notice.

Moving to Uni where that worry is no longer, to then move back to this, sucks so much.

I have seen what a happy life is for me and for me to be truly happy, I need to move out of my family home for good. I need to. I think people I know think I am exaggerating/miss the independence and freedom of Uni when I say that, but I am so serious when I say I will not ever be truly happy under my parents roof. I cannot live here for longer that I absolutely have to. I am so miserable.

[mainfaggot]

no one is home. just me and coco

[elixirjade]

like placing relationship status on locked and only me privacy aint gonna make u paranoid in the first place. well oh well kahit gaano mo naman pagbawalan sila or sabihan mga bagay di ka komportable gagawat gagawa mga yan ng paraan. maybe im kinda hoping he would para pwede ko na ideadz sarili ko ng maaga. everyday is the same shit and i just feel overall hopeless and i cant save money for shit and i will never in my lifetime can afford to own a house or a car or pay an insurance. iced cofi na nga lng nagpapasaya saken tas addiction ko huhuhu. super lonely minsan kase mapapansin mo naman na napaka-offputting mo na tao, tried so hard to fit in, i am still fitting in and nakikisama din ako pero makikita mo din sino lumaki ng normal vs abnormal which is me. nakakapagod din pala mabuhay at isipin mo wala sasalo sayo. everytime bababa ako nakikita ko tatay ko na tumatanda at naiiyak ako kasi nawalan na ako ng isang magulang at ayaw ko isipin na mawawalan ako ng nagiisang suporta sa buhay ko. ni hindi ko nga mabilhan si papa ng nike shoes, maybe someday pag nakaluwag luwag. napapagastos din ako minsan pag nasa office kasi ano ba, bakit ba pinipilit ko makisabay sa kanila ehhh di naman ako talaga mayaman. well its cuz if i dont, i wont get any friends, i keep reading na people wont really be interested in you unless u offer them something... fuck ano pa ba patapon na ugali ko at mukha ako.... okay sige pera. i wanna believe there is an afterlife for me, where i was born in a normal household tho its kinda unfair cuz my parents did everything for us kahit na walang wala sila. naiisip ko ngayon kung gaano kabigat sa kanila maglabas ng 500 para lang makasama ako sa field trip kahit isang beses nung grade 6, shet buong araw na boundary na pala yun ni papa. i didnt know, all i know is that being a child and seeing your peers experience normal life and having new things, lalaki ka talagang inggetera. what the fuck do i know??? i have to spend my school years wearing my shoes until i literally cannot wear them anymore. in college, i have to beg my friend if she has extra shoes to lend me cuz kakamatay lang ni mama and i have to ask my ex bf if he can gift me discounted doll shoes sm department store, and i have to walk every from sta mesa to our house everyday tas partida butas pa yung sapatos ko. buti na lang di pa ganon kainit nun. maybe its my PMS time right now kaya nagtotrauma dump ako pero i just want to let it out and self-therapy myself and convince myself na SOBRANG LAYO NA NG NARATING MO at kahit yung mga nakagraduate sa mga mayyamang university sinasabi matalino ka at kayang kaya mo lahat at sobrang tapang mo. I dont wanna believe the mean voices in my head telling me otherwise. i have to push myself until i can die of old age. its sooooo fucking scary to be a fucking adult right now lalo ang mahal ng bilihin. im always soooo fucking scared. i guess what i always tell myself is ive been through worse and i can face whatever life will put me through. i dont believe in god but goddamn, will to live and perseverance is something. im a bacteria that is currently struggling but is hopeful that in the future i can atleast be sad inside a house.

[oneofus1048104]

@burningboxes

hey there bud. unknown here. i just wanted to say smthn. im sorry for not respecting what you wanted, and im sorry that i couldnt cut off contact with you for good and keep to what i wanted to say. i admit i do not respect what you want, but thats because due to the amount of memories we made (enabling or not) were very personal to me, and i didnt wanna let go so soon. it was way too hard to just let go and not try to get you back. ive attempted to reflect on my mistakes and it really hasnt worked. this isnt a message to get you back, this is TRULY what im gonna say to you. i wish i could make u happy by respecting what you want, but its too hard and too much for me. not cus im a 14 year old, but cus i had fun with you, and i didnt (and sometimes still dont) wanna let go of being friends. i wanted to make things right even if they never were, i wanted to try. so now you know the truth on why i stalked you so much. i hope one day when im older and when has been moved from, maybe we can be friends again (maybe not do the shit we did, but just in general). hell if we became friends again now (which ik for a damn fact most likely wont happen and ive accepted that as a fact) i wouldnt do the rp shit if u didnt want to. im really sorry that i made you so uncomfortable and i wish we could put this behind us. but its not really that easy, and letting go of a friend like you isnt easy either. no offense dude, but i dont think you get how hard it is. if you ever want to reconcile with me, on the bright side i have some potential season 4 ideas if that day ever comes. if i could restart all of this, i gladly would and id try my best to be a better person. btw for the record, my parents dont actually know what happened with you and me, and i do not want to tell them cause it wouldnt make anything better. i just wanna get help and make you proud of me. not like ur my father, but just making you smile knowing that i changed. but i havent and im deeply ashamed for not using that opportunity. i just wanna say thank you for being there for me and for everything, making me happy and making me laugh one last time before you blocked me (most likely for good). even if you didnt want to you did it for me. your law friend that talked to me before, id like to speak with him. not cus i wanna enable anything/guilt trip HIM into submission, but just to talk to him, considering i asked him to vc a pretty big amount and it made him uncomfortable. like he said hed be there for me, but he left cus of me and now i dont really have anyone that can help me. then i was dragged into some drama about your friend who works in law and his s/o, and before you say anything i couldnt really get out, i dug myself in that hole and plus, their s/o had been going through some rough shit. i just wanted a way out and i wanna go back to the point in time that you were happy with yourself + i was happy with you and vice versa. that was easier for the both of us. i wish it didnt have to be this way and i wish you could give me another chance. thank you for everything and i hope that whatever life you live you wont be scared of me anymore, you have a boyfriend/girlfriend or whatever you want that loves you, and you have a paying job that gives you a good amount of wealth for your life. goodbye my old friend, if anything ever changes id be happy to see it. i wanna be friends again alot but ik thats not possible. and im truly sorry for what i did. btw heres a bit of advice from me. if you dont want minors on the internet interacting with you, go on rule 34 or an adults only site. just my thoughts but im not ur fucking dad so.

thank you for everything. unknown out.

November 2nd, 2023 @ 11:07 PM CDT

[raincamp]

7 - 19 - 23

why is being mentally ill so fucking expensive???

i've been really stressed about money recently. and i hate it because im only 19 right, i shouldn't be worrying about how to pay back thousands of dollars in medical debt, i haven't even made my first rent payment in my life yet.

my insurance decided to deny coverage for my hospital stay earlier this month after i attempted. i have to pay thousands for an ambulance, for the days they kept me over my allotted insured days, for the stay at the hospital where they evaluated me, and i can't get any help because im still on my parents insurance, and they dont want to help me pay for my treatment anymore.

(TW for suicidal ideation and bad hospital experiences)

after my insured days were up, i begged the fucking doctors at the psychiatric hospital not to keep me longer, not only because they were COMPLETELY unequipped to handle treating my BPD beyond sedating me everytime i had an episode, but also because it was $600 a day that i had to pay out of pocket (+ extra fees for meds etc). and you know what the doctor said? "you're still reporting passive suicidal ideation, i dont feel comfortable sending you home."

yeah, of course i have passive ideation, i'm fucking borderline, that's literally one of my symptoms, one of the diagnostic criteria in the DSM. you think you can put my BPD into remission in two weeks?

i have good treatment at home, i go to group weekly, have one on one dbt, get phone coaching with my therapist, but this fucking doctor wouldn't let me go, and after spending almost a week begging her, she finally agreed to IF i signed an ROI for my parents. that manipulative bitch

i dont tell my parents the details of my treatment for a reason. you can probably imagine how that went down when i got home.

anyway, that's neither here nor there. today I've been feeling like i am completely unable to survive in this society. i can't manage to get myself to go to work consistently, despite the fact that i get paid decently and want to. last week was the first week since i was employed in april that i went to work everyday.

i called in today. i just cant fucking do it. work takes everything out of me. i come home and sleep 12 hours because im exhausted, and if i have the time i can sometimes convince myself to make food before i leave for work again. i dont have time for hobbies, i dont have time to enjoy anything, getting to see friends means being sleep deprived, i don't even have time to take care of myself. calling in sick is me giving myself time to fucking shower and eat a meal and clean my room and possibly even do something relaxing so i don't drown in stress.

now that im drowning in medical bills— among the rent and electricity bills i will have to start paying next month when i move out, along with the debt im in for my car— being unable to go to work consistently feels like a death sentence. and honestly, yeah, i am considering death so that i dont have to worry about this shit anymore. because obviously me with my chronic mental illnesses— that even if they do manage to go into remission, will make me a slave to the healthcare system in the process— are not meant to thrive in this society.

i cant fucking do it. not right now- and if I can't right now while im in a stable living situation, then i certainly wont be able to when the roof over my head is dependent on whether or not i can get myself out of bed everyday.

its bullshit that im considering killing myself over medical bills at 19.

- andrew

[cometchasr]

🍀 and 🧠 for all of your OCs

this got deleted and im depressed i'll try to remember my answers. fuck this stupid site

askgame

🍀- what originally inspired the oc?

comet: self insert, but like a really idealistic and naive one. made in a time when i didn't know how scarred i was. not very representative of me anymore, and i dont think he ever was, at least not in reality. maybe in perception.

stas: the strategic, mapgame playing side of me. smart and friendly because this was also when i still didn't know i had real issues that affected me a lot.

alex: me. in full. entirely. issues, insanity, distance, different personalities depending on mood, smart, everything. it's a way for me to see myself

rax: he's based on rex (igneous), shatter (pre-jin death), and some of tenor gang, and he's the calm guy in the polycule. but also playful and wild, because all 3 of them have different modes at varying levels of obviousness (alex has multiple that are obvious, rax has 2 that are obvious, azhar has 2 that are not). hes like the middle because while alex just is deathly afraid of interaction and azhar can interact rax jst prefers not to do it too much. very fun guy to be around. gets the job done, but still has fun

azhar: also tenor gang, specifically mainly one person. chill, friendly, like the coolest person in the world. i cant describe this but you'll know when he appears, because its so intangible its only explainable when you actually read the words. his 2 modes are the chill laidback normal one and the cold/distant one when he's angry or sad

🧠- what do you like most about the oc?

comet: the fact that hes who i thought i was. the me i idealized, the one i wanted to be (but wasn't). the fact that he's wild and full of energy and also dignified, the fact that even without the depression and the insecurity i can see parts of myself in him. the fact that he still loves intensely and fully and genuinely. the fact that, even though i never really developed him as a character, his mark remains in my life

stas: he's everything i ever wanted to do with government. the fact that he's so hardworking but still fucks around half the time, like a paradoxical monster, because hes just getting through it. the way he teaches at the university and almost pays more attention to that than running the country, and how he's the chillest teacher ever. his relationship with zym. fluffy and so gay and burring the lines between platonic and romantic and being so incredibly beautiful

alex: the fact that he is me, in the closest form i could find. the fact that he has the same issues as i do, and he works through them, and he gets to go on adventures and be free and do everything i can't. and that he falls in love so fully, and how happy he is in the end despite all the pain, and how his walls never actually fully break for everyone. how he's still fragmented, its just that the different personalities show up in different amounts now, how his anger is so destructive but is, ultimately, formed out of love, to defend something he genuinely cares about. how all three of them are like this

azhar: when he gets angry or sad, he does the same thing as alex (withdraw and cut off all connections; hide), but its so different. alex tries to just not exist, azhar hides behind a mask of perfect formality; alex destroys with an explosion, azhar destroys with detachment. how he refuses to evolve, breaking eevee tradition, until he does, because his friends were in danger. how he's confident and can confront authority but not his peers (he asks chatot to let him into the guild but is told he needs a teammate... which hes too anxious to ask for).

rax: his different personalities. wild and playful, and calm. how he keeps the lycanium z around his neck, the last thing from his parents, and how he finally gets to use it at the end. how he joined later, and just... immediately became close with them. how he'll do anything to protect them, because he lost his parents once and he can't go through the pain again (but he doesn't have a choice, does he, when alex disappears?)