#i dont know if it's the dissociation or if things are just like that
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i keep remembering and feeling sick to my stomach. it's like finding out for the first time every single time. god i am so tired
#daffodil lamenting#i dont know if it's the dissociation or if things are just like that#like i keep finding parts that dont understand and they break every single time#ifs therapy#SHE'S NOT EVEN MY MOM. but she.#like when we were in a room together. she was. she was my friend i cared about her opinion#i was always happy to see her and she was always at that same goddamn spot at the kitchen table#she fixed my shirt for me. she taught me about ballet and myself without even realizing it#i havent grieved like this for anybody which mostly says things about how much my mental state has improved#but i was fucking dry heaving in the mcdonalds drive thru today#and i feel bad because she's not even my mom. but i miss her so much already#i felt so safe in that house and she was an invaluable piece of that experience for me#she fixed my mom's shirt and i tore the interfacing within days god
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mascot
#this isnt vent dw!!! i dont smoke either i was just kinda going for some sort of vibe#i know its usually played for laughs or like. dark humor whenever ppl draw mascots without their heads and u can see the actor#but i always found it fascinating and a little sobering. ever since i was a kid ive always been hyperaware of ppl in costumes#like. even if i tried to block it out id be thinking the whole time 'its not real. theres a person in that suit who gets paid to do this'#it used to be an uncomfortable nagging feeling but now its like. oh yeah theres someone with a whole life story doing this. idk#i think when i tell ppl im not conscious of my body its like. im not dysphoric or experience dissociation but. at the same time#it feels like my physical body doesnt fully outwardly represent me..?? like some sort of costume#i like to phrase it as being a giant hairless mecha and inside theres a very tiny puppy piloting the damn thing#and the other thing is. when i draw my sona i dont really see it as what i /wish/ i looked like or how i want people to see me#its like being in a costume and just. fucking around with some sort of barrier between myself and others#plus mascots arent allowed to talk and i dont really. engage with other ppl in public spaces that it kinda feels like ad lib#i share a lot abt my life but ironically im also a private person..... i guess it just gives me some sort of control over my identity#my art#myart#my oc#sona#mascot#furry#??? is this furry art????#twinkle#puppysona#edit: had to outline it bc i just realized it looks really weird on dark mode -_-
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I'm proud to say I don't think Luo Binghe would like to eat his boyfriends pussy. He'll do it but bitch he's not here for that. For 1 Binghe is absolutely the kind of guy who wants to see the whole body come undone not just have Shen Yuan tug on his hair. 2 the man's favorite places to kiss are things like forehead, hands, cheeks, he's a foreplay from the waist up man.
He'd fingerblast to next year granted but Shizun asks for a kiss and a downstairs buffet he says yes but in his head he's thinking about how much he just wants to massage and bite that man's shoulders/chest and touch every part of his skin till they're the same person. He needs to use his hands and teeth simultaneously and not doing so is bad for his health. Man can't dine on pussy alone. Shizun let me fingerblast you from the front while taking you from behind while I cradle you in my arms and scream how you love me!!!!! Shizun plssssssss!!!!
#svsss#svsss shitpost#scumbag system#bingqiu#90% a joke#and 10% ive yet to read a fanfic that convices me on that specific element#some men dont eat pussy#not because they hate women.#but because they branched on a different path on the skill tree and thats ok#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#sqq#luo binghe#i should mention that this applies more specifically to bingmei#bingge eats pussy as like the occasional treat#he likes it#thinks its great#but in my opinion hes like dissociating while muching down on the clambake#hes feeling it but hes not FEELING IT#what im saying is you should write a fic where SQQ knows something is wrong because his husband is way to enthuastic for oral#and usually thats HIS thing#im just saying realizing your husband is replaced by his evil alternate universe twin because hes doing good at sex is one thing#not realizing because theres no way hed ask on his own to eat you out like youre the#spread a golden corral on half price day is another
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closing time
#you know situation's dire when sparks breaks out the color block sona vent art LOOOOOOOL#sparks speaks#vent#again to all my new-ish followers i do post stuff like this from time 2 time PLEASE block one of those tags if you don't want to see it#long post#edit: fine to rb idgas#ummm NEway. i go back to college in like a month and the thought of it makes me want to curl up and die. idk if i can do it again tbh lol#i dont know how i survived the first time#<- LYING he does. and it was by letting the dissociation he is currently bitching about swallow him completely#if i really committed and tried i could probably claw my way out of this. but there's really no point when i'll just fall back into it soon#the forgetting my entire life does suck though. it does suck.#its really cool learning you've lost the only thing you thought you couldn't lose.#anyways. i'm fine im chillin i just. needed to get this out#if youre reading this preciate you. drink water
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back to self-analyzing what the fucks going on in my brainium
#txt#i need to go back to a therapist methinks#cuz why am i only now reading about OSDD-1a#bc errrmmmmmmm.........................#i know C-PTSD is very comorbid with dissociative disorders#but like given things ive experienced and struggled with its always felt like there's something More going on idk#idk it's like...i can see OSDD CPTSD or even...BPD i guess#but its just like i dont feel like ONE of those fits me its like i relate to a bit of all three#mostly so CPTSD but thats bc DUH I HAVE CPTSD#my lifes been trauma after trauma there's definitely not simply ONE traumatic event that's defined me#also wondering in another area if it's just adhd autism overlap#or maybe i AM autistic afterall just VERY VERY good at masking it or compensating for it#or if i have the same subcategory of Bipolar a former friend had that commonly gets misdiagnosed as the former two#which is likely bc all my blood relatives have gotten diagnosed with a form of bipolar and im not joking#idk man i just wish i knew wtf is wrong with me and how to like...do something about it but like actually#and not just focus on the depression or anxiety because that's CLEARLY NOT HELPING#yes im depressed and severely anxious but dont u think they might have a ROOT CAUSE#i'm definitely convinced and have been for years that they stem from something else#deeper and more of an issue than anyone trying to study wtfs wrong w me has figured out including me
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does anyone else have to take like ten million breaks throughout the day?? Like I gotta do it every 30-45 minutes otherwise I can't function. It's not even voluntary I just start spacing out or get distracted. Fuck maybe I actually do have ADHD
#this isn't me self diagnosing btw I have been diagnosed and undiagnosed and atp I don't even know who's right and what's accurate anymore#Like it feels like dissociation is the right answer but then I have actual problems with productivity and task switching and time managemen#And have since I was a kid and it caused real issues in school which is why I went and got diagnosed#BUT IT COULD JUST BE DISSOCIATION LIKE THE OTHER DOCTOR SAID I DONT KNOW ANYMOREEE#and also like hyperfixations are a very real thing that I have but I also learned recently that autistic people will have them too#Independent of ADHD symptoms#And I have the “I can focus on stuff I WANT to do just not stuff I don't want to do” which is clear dopamine issues right
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sometimes being autistic really separates me from other people. there's an invisible wall that separates me from people, society, the world. all those things can reach through the wall and slap me around, but it's one way. I can't reach them. and they never pat me on the head. nothing nice comes through. and I can't get out. I try to share good things. nothing gets through the wall. they see it as I purposely don't come out of the room i'm locked in. they think I act like i'm too good for them. they are offended and reach in to slap me. i'm desperately screaming and trying to reach out to them. trying to be part of things. but I can't. I can't connect with them. I can't be part of society. this wall isn't my doing, but they are making sure it stays up and making sure they only send negative signals through. know I can't stay behind this wall or I literally can't live. but also can't get out. i'm stuck and blamed for it. told i'm not trying and it's on purpose. i've been kicking and screaming at the wall my whole life and didn't make a dent. the lonliness and disconnection that can be felt when autistic is something nonautistic people will never feel or understand.
#lee rambles#just feeling that autistic lonliness and disconnection strongly today so heres vague rambly nonsense#autistic#autism things#actually autistic#dont know how to truly connect to people. or be part of society in a way that benefits living. people dont seem to try#nor do they want to help. they just act like and assume im the one not trying. im trying way harder than they ever will.#i need some patients and accommodation and understanding. needs and boundaries need met and respected. i never get those.#no one tries to connect with me. i have to do all the work but dont have ability to. but im expected to. since i cant its my fault.#so i stay on the outside looking in. begging for the door to be unlocked. while they stare through window laughing#and blaming me for not walking through a solid wall because they dont unlock the door fkr others so why would they do it for me#ahhh. idk what im talking about. need to do mamy things but think brain dissociating. idk who i am right now i could be anyone#patience* typed wrong word. cant move tags in right place on phone anymore
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wait what do i make a zine about
ideas are ok if anyone has some
(i think replies to this will be on?
im not sure how that works here)
#other post#-p2#cl said i should do one as my activity so#ig thats drawing still#things i know about or care about enough: being a alter. dissociation in general. being a dog alterhuman. uh being “less-than-a-person”#(no one said that to me its how i feel-- yea i know its not healthy etc)#id do something about the others im our area of the inner world but wolf says thats not allowed -- something abt safety#oh i dont want to do anything about trauma#me and one of the newer fragments just found out about the uh extent of it and im a little sort of 'dont want to think abt it'#maybe ill talk to the therapist abt it and abt my drinking urges#maybe it can help the newer one i mentioned too hes got the latter issue too#anyway#uh i#i had a additional thought what was it#no its gone#what do i know thats happy#uh#dog stuff. dogs in general. match 3 games (you know like the pokemon puzzle one on gameboy)#thats all i can think of#im#i dont have a lot of things i like yet#holy shit you are a yapper - Wolf
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Kicking and screaming because my art looks so weird lately 😭
#i know its just the dissociation#i know!#but still i suffer 😔#my art is me i am my art so of course when i dont know who i am my art feels like a stranger#no connection between the hands that made it and the mind that thought it#one thing i love about myself is being an art autistic because my art is such a profound part of me it makes me deranged#if i cant draw i am in a terrible mood 👍 if i am in the middle of a project i am happy and with a purpose 👍
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i am. thinking.
#like okay. j have been. questioning certain things for a while okay. and then a coupke of months ago i saw someone make a post#and it said that they were a median system. and when i looked it up i was like. huh. yeah thats. hm. but that was months ago and idk.#i dont wanna say anytging abt any kf this bc what if im not at all. but also what if i am.#i just. dont know. everythings kinda bad rn and this whole confusion isnt fucking helping.#and right now im in so much pain i just feel like doi g something stupid and reckless and probavly dangerous to distract myswld from it.#or maybe ill take some edibles. that might help actually.#whatever. might make shit worse. and i dont think sh whilst ur high would be a particulary good idea#sorry this js all way too much iversharing im. very kinda out of it i think ive been dissociating a hell of a lot reccently
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Saw a post a couple days ago that was something like "the price of wwx staying at lotus pier was his memories of his parents" that also implied Madam Yu was keeping info on his parents from him/ she'd punish him for looking for info on his parents and like??? That's just not how Madam Yu is bitchy.
For one, her beef with wwx isn't directly with him so much as he's just caught in a proxy war between her and Jiang Fengmian. She simply does not care enough about wwx to try and sabotage his life like that.
Secondly, the whole point of conflict between her and jfm is that she's angry that he appears to be trying to adopt wwx and placing wwx above his bio children. Why the hell would she get mad over wwx trying to assert himself as part of a family that isn't hers? Like, I think she's way more likely to tell wwx about his parents in the most loud and obnoxious way possible while jfm is around ("oh? Your mom? She was a brilliant cultivator. Too brilliant to stick around here.") while also taking jabs at wwx's dad's class to remind everyone in the room that wwx is supposed to be a servant.
Thirdly, Madam Yu just wasn't actually around that often. Like, it says when she's introduced that she's usually out on night hunts (with us seeing her as much as we do because the Wens took all the spots). Wwx's got plenty of time to slooth if he wants
But ya- tldr, I don't think Madam Yu would in any way prevent wwx from finding out about his parents, but she'd probably be incredibly annoying whenever it came around to her talking about them
#mdzs#madam yu#yu ziyuan#reminder: madam yu's average punishments were 1-2 lashes + neeling *when wwx broke the rules*#and yes- wwx lying around mostly naked in the extra then running away from getting scolded was in fact him breaking rules#which (as I kinda have to bring up every time i talk about her) is not a fair or reasonable punishment by modern standards#but does fall in line with standards set by the book#and also- bringing up the incident in front of the wens and acting like that was in any way a regular thing is grounds for instant blocking#the dozens of lashes were an act to get the wens to fuck off. they didnt even disable wwx like she claimed they would#y'all LOVE taking that scene out of context and its infuriating#that aside- Madam Yu was usually just verbally mean to wwx#I dont know that I'd argue that she's verbally abusive but I wouldn't exactly argue if anyone else called her such#anyways- did The Untamed fuck up Madam Yu somehow? Is there a reason theres so many bad takes on her or are y'all just sexist?#excuse my poor attempt at writing Madam Yu dialog. i simply couldnt summon the vibes rn#maybe wwx's memory is just bad because he's a kid with trauma and adhd#maybe its just because he began dissociating as a coping mechanism#maybe its just because very few people remember shit that happened when they were 5
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not to self diagnose but i gotta have some type of ocd bc my thoughts are absolutely ridiculous
#like#i just worry about stupid shit man and i just keep thinking and thinking and thinking#the most common obsession i have is that ive done something illegal and that im gonna get sued or something like that#when i KNOW its stupid and probably wont happen BUT I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!! its just like on a loop#the only reason idk for sure if its ocd bc i dont really have compulsions???#the only thing i can think of is that i do things in 8's#like before i go to bed i check that the stove is off door is locked and fridge door is closed 8 times#i also sometimes wash my hands 8 times but that only happens when im like super stressed#the thing is though like these thoughts dont make me feel like anxious or anything? i just kinda dissociate and think think think on it
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Remembering that a 4 hour psychological test means 4 hours under the examiner's microscope. I hope they let me listen to music during a written test, but idk if that would defeat the purpose or not. I... really don't know what to expect tomorrow, and it's kind of making me a bit nervous. Lol.
#speculation nation#i dont like to be psychologically analyzed. god i just remembered i have therapy this week too.#which that at least. i mean it's uncomfortable but ultimately it's just talking.#psychological testing they are gonna be Watching me. there will be the questions but also they will be judging my actions#and im so used to masking but that would actually go against me in that instance.#and i really hope theyll let me listen to music bc 4 hours of silence sounds like hell on fucking earth.#but i dont know if that's. part of the process??? put me through stress to see what makes me tick???#my goal is to get an adhd diagnosis but im also scared theyre gonna pick up on the autism.#im gonna be honest. but i didnt plan to get the autism diagnosed bc i dont want the downsides of that#ya know. societal and institutional ableism. etc etc. they might take away opportunities from me.#but it goes hand in hand. and surely it couldnt be too bad if they pick up on it...#i could manage through 4 hours without music but itd be hard. and it could do bad things to my brain.#i think im preemptively prickling up. like a porcupine. i dont want them Looking at me.#i need to just... chill out. whatever comes will come. and it's ultimately in my best interests.#this is what i need to get my adhd meds. it'll be worth it.#..... but im also worried about what else might show up. i know i got Problems. but i dont want them to... know about them.#all sorts of awful invasive questions about me and my past.#for someone who acts like such an open book i really am so allergic to actual emotional vulnerability huh?#decent chance i'll just dissociate thru the whole thing. to get through it.#cut the emotions off. who needs em. the brain can factually answer things without the emotions' input.#anyways im gonna go do some chores. peace#negative/#lol.
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not sure how i manage to be bad at making a self insert lmao, i always end up developing them into an entire OC in the end
#ramble tag#smth smth all art is self insert to a degree bc u cant help but leave pieces of urself in it#and also i have no proper self image. idk if thats bc of the identity related dissociation or what#unrelated but ive been trying to get more comfortable w the whole. roomies in the brain thing#which is hard bc reading related resources and support makes us shut down a bit so we never get more than a few sentences in lmao#thats like so dumb. i already know guys. we can read about it i promise it wont hurt!#forever thinking about the time a therapist said DID and immediately walked it back bc it was way too soon to call that lol#i still dont call it that bc its hashtag complicated#me looking at that one section of our notes app: have i met literally any of you people#i explained it to my coworkers at my first job like#''ok u know they 'there r 2 wolves inside u' thing? imagine that but many wolves. here let me draw a chart real quick-''#we took turns more back then for some reason#i miss vie. p sure theyre fine i just havent seen them in a bit.
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I think probably im stuck between 2 identity states that feel wildly differently because after learning some horrible news some time ago im alternating between feeling ok/positive and restless/cynical over and over so thats great but more importantly before that i had made a cute song about trans&gay love n it would have been sweet to post it for pride but now i have a boost of inspiration but only for making horrible fucked up songs. Thinking of making an EP of these negative songs. The other day i listened to a vocasynth song about not wanting to listen to sad/downer things when one is sad, and instead needing nice things to be cheered up. I think about it all the time lmfao. I wanna make a song like me no i hate cheery stuff when im down i wanna listen to things about ### and ### or even ###. Were not the same
#lodia sayings#music tag#not elaborating on those things i want to hear about when im sad bc i dont want to trigger tag all that. just imagine something negative#im not trying to be edgy its not my fault that im cringe im genuinely like this. sarrey#oh ya i said identity states cause im only semi open about having did/plural on main since i dont know if maybe ppl are gonna be weird#about it.#hm at least im dissociating a lot less maybe i can do a sys poll about how we feel so i can figure out who is messing up the chemicals
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#logging in just to complain about my fucked up mental issues and logging right off again lol#i thought yesterday i was really feeling good but turns out i was just totally dissociated like i genuinely was completely out of it lol#its kinda creepy. like zero thoughts head empty but not in a good way. i hate when this happens cause i dont really know what to think of it#anyway. guess who's suicidal again lol&lmao#only now i feel like an idiot because ive been feeling like this for what like. 10 years now? and i still havent done it#which just makes me look like a bitch. i should either commit or just shut up about it.#unironically one of the most important things stopping me from doing it is the fact that my flat's in a constant fucking mess.#and id hate for smn to have to tidy all this shit up. that would just be such a mean and inconsiderate thing to do to leave it all like that#anyway.
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