#the thing is though like these thoughts dont make me feel like anxious or anything? i just kinda dissociate and think think think on it

[piplupod]

pretty sure i just got a spider bite while trying to fall asleep 🧍

[skeletons-in-ur-closet]

not to self diagnose but i gotta have some type of ocd bc my thoughts are absolutely ridiculous

[melto]

something just like snapped in the back of my head like i Need to go like curl up in my room for like 5 days and play video games and not speak to like anyone

[redr0sewrites]

Striker x Reader General Hcs

guysguysguys plsssss hes soooo- cowboys r a guilty pleasure of mine

🥀Cw: fluff, smut, switch!striker, riding + face riding, oral, somno

🥀minors dni with the nsfw portion

sfw:

striker never expected to have a real, long term partner, especially with his line of work

sure he's had hookups and flings over the years, but you really threw him off his feet

there was something about you that really dazzled striker, and he knew that you were the one

he dates to marry, and that is truly reflected in how he treats you

striker is a gentleman when he's courting you, he'll do the basics like holding the door for you and giving you gifts, but he somehow always finds a way to take it a step further.

you're both walking down the street and you have to step over a puddle? no need to worry, striker will scoop you up and carry you right over. you ran out of your favorite food while you're craving it? don't fret, striker will run to the store and grab it for you without a second thought

this is all before you both are even together! hes truly a sweetheart towards you, and it shocks everyone how you've managed to tame the wild assassin

striker definitely has a lot of nicknames for you, all circulating around his western class

poppet, sugar, darlin', doll, sugar, and lil' lady (if ur fem) are all ones you'll definitely hear

when talking about you to others, he'll call you "the apple of his eye" or other sappy things like that

he knows how dangerous his job is, and being associated with him can put you in danger. because of that, hes a little reluctant to court you, so he may give slightly mixed signals at first when hes feeling anxious about your safety

it wont take long for him to decide what he wants, but striker definitely wants to make sure you know how to defend yourself

even before you're together he offers you self defense lessons, and is always trying to keep an eye out for you to make sure you're safe

hes protective, but he also trusts you a lot and won't try to interfere with your life or anything, he just wants to make sure you're okay

underneath his tough persona, striker definitely has a soft, domestic vibe. as previously stated, he's the type to want to get married, and even if you don't, he still wants to have a good bond with you

hes a really great person to live with, he def is the type to cook and clean for you and overall carries his weight around the house

he sees it as a respect thing more than anything, and wants you to know how devoted he is to you and that he doesn't expect you to take care of him

he never forces you to do anything though, you can't tell me that he wouldn't absolutely despise people who force their spouses to cook and clean for them. he thinks relationships should be equal, and that you both should share the weight of household responsibilities

i dont think striker is the type to expect much from his partner if that makes sense? he would never want to put pressure on you to be with him or to carry any burdens. he knows how dangerous his job is, and will occasionally ask you if you're still comfortable with him and everything he does

everytime you say yes, he gets this wide eyed grin and ruffles your hair. a part of him is always afraid of pushing you away, its not easy to date a literal assassin, but the fact that you love him and that you want to be with him amazes striker every time

hes def an acts of service guy through and through, striker's actions always speak louder than anything

because his job is so busy, he sometimes works super late or has to get up ridiculously early. striker often feels pretty bad about his crazy working hours, and always dotes on you if you stay up late waiting for him and kisses you on the cheek everytime he has to leave

HE LIKES TO PLAY MUSIC FOR YOU ON HIS GUITAR AND HE'LL SING SONGS FOR YOU

striker also really enjoys dancing with you, and you two r definitely the type to slow dance in the kitchen sorry i don't make the rules

you're one of the few people he lets touch his cowboy hat, and also the only person who has ever ridden Bombshell besides him <3

he keeps a photo of you in his wallet/jacket and looks at it after rough missions

nsfw

yk the phrase "wear the cowboy hat, ride the cowboy"? or "save a horse, ride a cowboy?" yea those both were made for him btw

the cowboy hat stays on during sex, but not on him /hj

seriously tho, he loves the sight of you wearing nothing but his hat, and its one of the quickest ways to rile him up

striker LOVES and i mean LOVESSS when you ride him

theres something so exhilarating about seeing you on top, and after a long, stressful mission, there's something so pleasing about just letting you take the reins and ride him senseless

his fav positions are cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, face sitting, missionary, mating press, pretty much anything where he can see your face

striker is big on eye contact, whether hes top or bottom he loves the intimacy of eye contact

he memorizes everything about your body, what makes you tick, where to touch you that will make you moan loudest, your most sensitive spots, he has pleasuring you down to an art

def into bondage and shibari, whether its you tying him up or him tying you up, he loves it

striker likes the intricacies of shibari, but will always check that the ropes aren't too tight (unless you want it that way... in that case he'll indulge you ;)

he is soooo talkative, he loves praising you and degrading you and he talks you through every orgasm

when hes dom, striker is more of a groaner, he'll let out these throaty, deep rumbles and groans while whispering about how fucking good you make him feel in the deepest, most delicious voice ever

when hes in a more submissive mood i think hes a little quieter, he'll let out some breathy pants and moans but won't be super vocal

hes into (consensual) contact play and doesn't mind being pushed around. i also think he'd have a gun kink and would face fuck you with a gun (never loaded tho, you're far too precious to risk hurting)

ORAL FIXATION.

striker loves giving, like hes def a giver 100% and loves it when you ride his face

he wants you to SIT on his face, in his opinion his face is your throne and it doesn't matter how big you are, strikers a strong guy and will take all of your weight without a second thought

hes a gentleman, he makes you cum at least twice during foreplay before he even actually fucks you

striker is into somno, you both have def had convos about him fucking you in your sleep before

he comes home so late for work sometimes, and the sight of you sleeping on the couch, waiting just for him is so adorable

he likes teasing you and hearing you're unfiltered gasps and moans, the way your body responds to his simple touches without even being awake turns him on a lot

striker also loves it when you moan his name in your sleep, he has a secret possessive side and the fact that you're thinking about him even in your dreams is just so hot to him

sometimes though it'll be the other way around, he'll collapse into bed after a long mission, passing out in mere seconds. meanwhile, you creep into bed with him and give him a handjob, watching as he moans and whispers your name like a prayer. he'll hump into your hand, and sometimes he'll cum so hard he'll wake himself up

when you ask him what he was dreaming about he'll chuckle, but the blush on his cheeks gives him away

when hes sub, striker is like the male version of a pillow prince sometimes. he just wants to lay back and be pampered, theres a part of him that just wants to be loved and taken care of

....mommy/daddy/master kink... what? u hear sum?? i will write ab this...

hes a bit into semi-public sex, but wouldn't ever let anyone actually catch you both. you're body is for his eyes and his eyes alone

striker takes his time undressing you and kissing every inch of your body before the foreplay even starts, and sometimes his tail will rattle a little as he does so. hes just so enamored with you, he can't help it

guysgys GUYSSYYSYSYSYSY RUGERHEHEHSSBSSHSH I FUCKING LOVE STRIKER SM HES MY FAVVV!!!! ALSO HELLUVA BOSS IS OPEN FOR REQS !!

im not gonna make a separate masterlist for helluva boss im just gonna add this to my hazbin masterlist ahshsh

[flamingoofeathers]

FOR MERLIN’S SAKE || MORGIE LE FAY

pairings: morgie x merlinsdaughter!reader

summary: Merlin finds out his daughter is dating the son of his enemy, Morgie.

genre: angst, fluff, hurt/comfort

one-shot; wc: 1.8k — requested by @stargener

main masterlist morgie masterlist

a/n: it was so fun to write, although it took me a while to write, so i apologize for the long wait, i hope this was up to your expectation.

Sneaking out wasn’t easy especially for Morgie, being friends with the VK’s was hard, cuz god forbid what would happen if he gets caught even TALKING to a royal, but dating one? He might aswell sign his death sentence, but for the first time in his life, he didnt care, he was willing to risk it all, still he was careful, the VK’s aren’t the nicest people after all.

Y/n and Morgie have been dating for quite some time now, in secret of course, dating a goody two shoes is one thing, but dating merlin’s daughter is whole different thing.

Sure, Merlin allowed villains to enrol to his school but that doesn’t mean he was fond of them, they were troublemakers after all, so god knows how he would react if he finds out his daughter is dating one.

Morgie was calmly making his way around the town near the academy, he was trying to look as normal as possible, but inside he couldn’t wait to see his princess. Y/n and him had planned to meet at a cafe in town, where they provide private booths, so the two can finally feel like a normal couple at a cafe without anyone seeing.

When he arrived at cafe, he wasn’t surprised to see the her were already there, always the punctual goody two shoes.

“And here i thought i’d surprise you by being early” Morgie slid next to her, leaning down to kiss her.

“Mhmm, as if you’ll ever beat me” Y/n said chuckling softly.

Morgie knew that being punctual was important to Y/n so he always tried his best to be on time even though at times he can be late.

“I hope you haven’t been waiting long for me” Morgie said as he grabbed the menu from the table before wrapping his arm around her shoulder as she leaned into him.

“I haven’t, don’t worry- oh! we should try that one” y/n pointed at the couple’s special on the menu. It wasn’t anything “special” really, just a large strawberry milkshake with two straws, some whipped cream and a cherry on top.

“Ohhhh, romantic” Morgie teased “ok, let me go order and i’ll be right back” he rubbed their noses together, before actually leaving to order.

Unfortunately when he left his booth, a certain group of people were entering their own booth saw him.

“What’s he doing here?” Hook asked with a confused look on his face.

“I dont know and i dont care, lets just order” Maleficent said before sitting down and grabbing the menu immediately with Hades following right behind her.

Meanwhile Hook and Uliana gave each other a look, deciding to stay hidden keeping a look at the booth Morgie just left, it was covered with a black curtain like the rest of the seats.

Morgie not noticing the prying eyes, hummed happily with their order in hand before entering their booth.

Uliana and Hook eyes widen at the sight, the daughter of their dear principal Merlin, on a date, with a villain? ‘

This is gonna be good’ Hook and Uliana thought before joining Hades and Maleficent.

“Our little Morgie has been hiding a dirty little secret from us and he’ll pay for it” Uliana said maliciously.

“What is she talking about?” Hades asks Hook.

“He is out on a date with y/n l/n” he smirks.

Maleficents eyes widen “as in principal Merlins daughter, y/n l/n?”

“Yep”

Once y/n arrive back to her dorm, she was confused to see a letter from her father asking her to meet him in his office.

Upon arriving at her father’s office, y/n grew anxious at the absolute silence the place had, usually her father would clumsily searching for things but when she entered, the door behind her closed immediately, she saw her father at his chair rubbing his temples.

“Dad? Is everything okay?” The girl asked as she walked towards her dad.

“Sit.” The harsh tone of her usually nice father made her heart beat faster as she sat down as fast as she could.

“What happened?” She was met with silence.

“I want you to tell me the truth, y/n” Merlin finally looked at her in the eyes.

“Are you dating Morgie Le Fay?” Her dad asked with cold voice.

Her heart pounded against her chest in panic, she could feel her lungs closing in, tears prickling her eyes, how did her father find out?

“Wha-what? No! No, i-i would never!” She denied stuttering trying hard to convince her father with that one single sentence.

“Y/n! WHY WOULD DATE A VILLAIN!?” Her father slammed his fist on the table.

“I told you, im not!” The girl continued to deny.

“THE SON OF MY ENEMY!? SERIOUSLY!?”

“Dad- NO! I’m not dating anyone!!”

“Stop with the lying! I don’t want you anywhere near that boy ever again!” Her father warned

“What!? No!?” Y/n stood up, facing her father with a panicked looked on her face.

“If you’re not dating him then avoiding him wont be a problem, right? If you go near him, i will know.” Merlin said before leaving the room leaving his daughter alone.

“No..” the girl whispered before sitting back down, her legs weak, heart heavy, sobbing her eyes out with no one to comfort her.

As days passed, Morgie continued to try and talk to her, it broke her heart to avoid him everytime but she didn’t have a choice.

While she wasn’t exactly sure how her father found out but she had an inkling feeling that it had something to do with the VK’s, snickering at her everytime they happen to pass by each other, i mean, how can they do this to their friend? To Morgie? But she guessed that villains will be villains.

Morgie on the other hand, was hurt and confused about why his girlfriend suddenly started ignoring him out of nowhere, he thought everything was fine between them.

The Vk’s was hanging out in the courtyard, Uliana making fun of Bridget and Ella as usual, normally he would be laughing along with them but today, he cant find it in himself to care, he stared into air thinking about everything he could’ve done to anger his girlfriend enough to ignore him. He can’t wrap his head around it.

“Right, Morgie?” Hook nudged him chuckling.

“Huh?” Morgie asked, he didnt know what they were talking about.

“You ok, Morgs?” Maleficent asked noticing the weird behaviour of her friend.

“Hmm, yeah im fine, just tired, i think im gonna head back to my dorm now” Morgie said before standing up and walking away.

“ its only 4 in the afternoon” Hades said.

Hook and Uliana looked at each other with guilt.

Later that night, a knock was heard from outside of Morgies dorm.

“What?” Morgie asked annoyed at the interruption from his sulking.

“We need to talk to you about something” Uliana said, with a look of…guilt? Nono, that can’t be, Uliana doesnt feel anything other than hatred.

“What is it?”

“Can we come in?”

“Sure” Morgie said opening the door wider for them.

There was silence in the room, Morgie waiting for them to say something.

“We were the one who told principal Merlin about your relationship with L/n” Hook confessed.

“WHAT!?” Morgie was livid “ARE YOU CRAZY!? THATS CRUEL!” he scoffed “EVEN FOR YOU PEOPLE”.

“We’re so-“

“HOW DID YOU EVEN KNOW!?”

“When you went to the cafe with her” Uliana said hesitantly.

“AND YOU DIDNT EVEN TELL ME!? What? You just told the principal, without even confirming with me, i cant believe you guys” Morgie was disappointed at his friends.

“Look, we’re sorry-“ Hook started.

“Yeah? Well, sorry isnt going to bring her back to me, is it?” Morgie glared at them.

“We can help” Uliana pleaded.

“Just leave guys, i dont want to look at you right now” Morgie sat down on his bed with his back turned to them.

He felt pats on his back along with small apologies.

Meanwhile on the other side of the campus, you can find a girl in her bed sobbing her heart while listening to sad songs, when a knock was heard from her door, she knew that it was her father so she just ignored it but that didnt stop the bearded man to enter her room.

“I didn’t answer the door bc i wanted you to come in” the girl said sitting up from her bed and removing her headphones before brushing her tears away.

The mans heart broke at the sight of his daughters tear stricken face, he knew it was his fault, how miserable he made his daughter.

“Oh sweetie” the man sat next to his daughter.

“Look at you, i am so sorry, dear, i let my anger towards his mother get in the way of your relationship, i truly apologise” the dad caressed his daughters hair who looked at him shocked.

“What made you change your mind?” The girls asked.

“He makes you so happy, dear, I cant bear to see you like this, i dont want to ever see you crying, especially because of me” the dad explained, his tone filled with understanding and love.

“Are you sure?” The girl asked hopefully.

“Yes. For a villain, he’s not so bad” he joked making the girl chuckle “as long as he treats you like the princess you are, you have my blessing”

“Oh!! Thank you, Dad!! Thank you, thank you, thank youu!!!!” Y/n hugged her dad tightly.

The next day, the girl didnt waste time to search for her dear boyfriend.

Both meeting in the courtyard of the school, running to each other as they fall into each others arms, tenderly kissing.

“I’m so sorry” both of them said at the same time.

“Why are you saying sorry for?” Y/n asks confused.

“It was Hook and Uliana who told your father about us, they saw us at the cafe that day, im so sorry” Morgie apologized.

“No, it wasn’t your fault, it was mine, my father didnt react well to us being together so i ignored you, im sorry” the girl countered.

“I will beg principal Merlin to let us be together, i would do anything for you” Morgie said connecting their foreheads together and caressing her cheek.

“You don’t have to, because we have his blessing “ the girl stared into his eyes grinning.

“What? Are- are you serious!?” The boy said holding the girls face in his hands, the girl nodded to which the boy lifted her off the ground and span her around.

“Oh! I can’t believe this!” Morgie chuckled.

“We’ll finally be together” Y/n said softly.

“Forever.”

[ellitx]

elli...!! i dont know if someone has already done this so feel free to ignore but... what if...

venti is a sex worker and he was hired by y/n. usually his customers would be more experienced, and would lean more on doing rougher stuff, so he was surprised when he met y/n in her house, being inexperienced and kind of shy, asking for just a kiss. her reason being, she never had a boyfriend before and her peers are teasing her for being a virgin and not getting her first kiss yet... so she hired venti for.. experience and practice¿ >/////< then of course things will escalate from there since venti gets attracted to her, so he'll seduce her into giving in to him... hehe... then maybe after that they'll meet more and get to know each other better o/////o

masterlist

fem!reader

word count: 2.3k

It was unexpected.

Really. What are the chances that the sex worker you hired would be someone you know? Especially if it’s a close friend of yours. Sure, Venti throws dirty jokes here and there for fun, but to discover this was his actual job?

You’re not one to judge but it was really unexpected. Never in your life would you ever possibly think he would be your practice partner in experiencing sexual intercourse when you’re a beginner yourself. And you can’t really blame the company when practically Venti was assigned to fulfill your commission.

You sat at the edge of your bed idly, hands over your knees clenched into a fist as you tried your best to quiet your heavy anxious breaths. You really hope you’re not breathing too loudly lest it’ll make more things awkward with him.

You could feel he was gazing at you occasionally but averted when you caught him. How long has it been since you’ve invited him to your room? 5 minutes? Or more than that? Honestly, you don’t know when all your head was fussing about was how to handle this awkward tension.

It’s not like Venti hadn’t been here. He only visited once and that’s it. You pretty much bond outdoors more than indoors. Ah, if only you could talk to him casually like an afternoon Tuesday and it’ll be an easy breeze.

But that’s easier said than done.

You shifted, fiddling with your hands, trying to find the right words for a starting conversation. But Venti was quick to start before you could even open your lips.

“Hey, we don’t need to do it if you don’t want to alright? We prioritize your comfort over the actual thing.”

Oh no.

This doesn’t sound good at all. Does he want to stop it because he doesn’t want to disappoint you or himself?

Your voice came out so nervously.

“I-I don’t mind at all, please don’t stop it because I also feel nervous. If anything…”

You paused, trying to pick up your nerve again. “If anything we should try our best to get through this!”

Wow…

You really made things more awkward than ever, huh?

‘Try our best to get through’? Really? Was that the best you could think of?

Archons, you just want to hide yourself, drown in the abyss of the sea, and never show your face to him ever again.

Your frenzied thoughts were interrupted by a small laughter. Venti was laughing but it was obvious he was holding back from bursting out out of courtesy.

“Haha! That’s so like you! I still can’t believe you’d be so interested in this kind of thing, [Name].”

Well, in the end, he did burst out into a hearty laugh after all. And he wasn’t holding back his tears either. Your face warmed up, the embarrassment becoming a shame, and the shame turned to a playful anger. You huffed, cheeks puffed out with your lips pursed.

“Yae keeps on teasing me how I’m still a virgin...” You mumbled under your breath.

Maybe you should be thanking him instead? Even though you’re mad at him for teasing you at least it eased the awkwardness, somewhat.

He gave you a soft look as he replied, “Are you sure you’re alright with this? With me being your partner?”

You quieted down as you gazed at him. His eyes were soft and comforting, as there was also a dash of reassurance. With Venti, someone who you know very well, being your partner to experience within the world of lust, it’s a safe choice.

You could even ask him questions if you have any concerns which makes contact much easier. You didn’t hesitate anymore as you smiled reassuringly at him.

A simple nod from you was enough to confirm and wash away his doubts and worries.

“Alright. Can you close your eyes?” He requested.

You nodded and waited patiently for his instruction. His finger traced along your brow, making you giggle lightly. His gentle touch left warmth running down your spine. No more than a later, something soft and warm made contact upon your cheeks.

You opened your eyes to see what was it that brushed onto you but Venti’s hand softly covered them, making your vision return to its dark state.

“Sorry, I wasn’t being clear.” His voice was now soft and breathy and you shivered from how his breath was fanning your cheeks. “You can open them once I tell you so. In the meantime, keep them close for me, okay?”

You gave a shy nod as you bit your lower lip. Not knowing what was happening made you so anxious, but with how gentle and caring he holds you against him felt so safe and reassuring.

It seems he understood your situation. So you decided to relax a little, closing your eyes and slowly exhaling while he moved his arms around you.

Soon after, he began to nuzzle at your ear, gently caressing the flesh of your neck with the tips of his fingers. The warmth from his hands slowly traveled towards your body, raising your body temperature up.

Then his fingers stopped over to your lips. He traced them slowly and lightly, caressing them as if memorizing every contour of your lips. A few moments passed by before his fingers touched your lower lip and you let out a gasp of pleasure. Then, the pad of his thumb slowly grazed your bottom lip, causing you to suckle on them unconsciously.

You heard a soft groan and your heart raced, your stomach tightening and your core beginning to become warm. You heard him faintly curse under his breath, and the creaking of the bed signified he was searching for a comfortable position.

Because a second later, one hand was on your hips holding you close to him while the other was parting your lips.

“Can I…?” He asked.

It was obvious what he was asking, and your heart beat faster and faster from his short yet heart-throbbing question. It was racing through the roof, chasing the highs of your adrenaline.

You nodded again. The urge to open your eyes was strong but you resisted, scolding yourself to follow Venti’s words.

It felt so sensual, the feel of his rough fingers pressed against your skin, almost tickling it. And that caused another gasp to come from you, however, something slightly warm and soft was pressing onto your pink lips.

Venti moved his head forward, softly kissing your lips, nibbling and sucking the soft flesh of your mouth. You were unsure on what to do and how to reciprocate the kiss. Should you lean? Tilt your head? Or open your lips a bit? You decided the latter option is the safest one.

Slowly parting them, you moaned when he gently bit on your lower lip. You clutched onto his shirt, your brows digging deeply into your temple as you calmed the heat running through you. The kiss felt so good that you almost forgot what you were supposed to be doing. When Venti broke the kiss you whined and you heard him chuckling. Even with your eyes closed, you can sense he had that teasing smile painting on his face.

"Venti?" You called when he didn't make any sounds or movements. The said male hummed then the bed shifted. Were you supposed to open your eyes now? But Venti hadn't given you any signals yet. You opted to keep them close and it was good that you did because your face was beet red as you fiddled with your fingers.

"Can we continue the kiss, please?" You asked in a small voice. Venti chuckled at your shy plea.

"Of course."

It didn't take any longer for him to return his lips to yours. You hummed lightly, relaxing against him. He hugged your waist, carefully holding you close. With his hand cupping your cheeks, you wonder if your shyness was being dissolved because of his comforting presence. 

The kisses were short and sweet and Venti would break away for a second and then return to you immediately. Perhaps so you can breathe effectively, but you paid no mind to it because you'd chase after him every time he parts.

This time it lasted longer. You were beginning to adjust to such intimacy that your breathing began to accelerate along with the increasing warmth and tingly sensation in your stomach. The flush in your cheeks deepened when you felt something prodding at your mouth's entrance. 

You fell onto your bed with a soft landing and Venti planted one hand beside your head while still cupping your cheek. He licked your lips, asking for permission, and when you granted him he wasted no time to taste you deeper into the sweet nectar. He tilted his head, kissing you again and again and again but with passion.

Softly moaning against him, you returned his kisses. You clutched, gripped, and held onto his shoulder as you fought back against the orgasmic pleasure. This has been going on for a while and yet, he hadn’t given up yet. You enjoyed each kiss and bite from his tongue and teeth, not stopping until he earned another moan from you.

He kissed you deeper, this time pushing his tongue into you and you gasped. Your legs squirmed, reaching out for something until they locked onto his hips. Venti grunted, one hand moving over to cover your eyes while the other kept your hips against the mattress as he lightly bucked his hips to yours.

Oh god…

For your first kiss, this man feels so good… You whimpered beneath him. A low sound escaped your lips. He chuckled. He doesn’t mind at all, does he?

“Cute,” He murmured, brushing some hair off your face and tilting his head up to look at you with lustful eyes. You blushed again and averted your gaze down. His lips curled upwards. It must be something about you that made you so sweet, like sugar and honey mixed together.

You shook your head and looked back at him. “I-I’m sorry… I’ve never been with anyone… So this isn’t… I don’t—“

As you were rumbling, you were cut off by the same pair of lips that had you instantly melting. You gasped as he took your lips with his, aggressively making you gasp again and causing more goosebumps to pop up on your body.

With one hand wrapped around the nape of your neck, the other still holding your face to his, you heard him whisper. “I told you to close your eyes, didn’t I? Just relax and enjoy, [Name].”

The warmth in his voice caused you to nod, relaxing and feeling his hands glide from your face to your shoulder blades.

His fingers spread over your skin and then glided lower, gliding across your lower back and dipping under the hem of your shirt.

And he kissed you again, deep and soft. The tip of his tongue flicked against the roof of your mouth, sending shivers down your spine.

You whimpered louder, unable to suppress the shy excitement bubbling within you. Your hips begin to squirm again, craving more friction and movement.

His tongue continues to dance between your lips, making you shudder against him. Slowly, he lets go of your lips, kissing down your chin and neck. His lips met the spot where your jawline meets your collarbone and you felt his hot breath on your skin. He nuzzled against you, quietly admiring how pink you were just from a long kiss. You turned your head, keeping his hair from tickling your skin.

A moment passed before his lips started to lick and suck at the area, sending another wave of bliss rushing throughout your entire body. God, is this what making out feels like?

Your entirety was burning hot, your nerves receiving one shock to another, and you felt so wet between your legs. All of these, all of what Venti is doing to you is making you feel an immeasurable pleasure of bliss.

You don’t know what you were doing except to moan and whimper his name out from your pretty mouth.

“Hmm… Venti…”

The said man grunted, his teeth grazing your flesh before biting and sucking your skin. You muffled your screams with your hands. With the darkness and bites combining with each other, it’s difficult to grasp what Venti will do next.

Because by the time you were thinking of it, his lips traveled to your neck and returned to kissing you. After giving you a good long and deep kiss he parted, a small string of saliva following after him.

He gulped his heavy breaths and permitted you to open your eyes. Your whole face was red and sweaty, your lips once coated with balm were now gone and replaced with the dripping of saliva, and your clothes were slightly disarray.

But you’re not complaining.

“You can open your eyes,”

As you obliged his words, Venti was gazing at you deeply. His green optics swirled with a great amount of lust. He hovered over you, his hands slipping beneath your shirt to caress your soft and warm skin so he could remember all areas of your body from his palm alone. 

Through your hazy vision, you can faintly make out some of your tinted balms were all over his lips. It'd be nice to paint his face with your lipstick...

But maybe on another day.

Putting his temple against yours, his breathy voice gave you shivers. “Continue or stop?” He asked.

You too were panting, so occupied by those delicious kisses he fed you that you eventually forgot to answer him.

“Yes or no? If you don’t answer I’ll take that as a no, [Name].” He kissed your jaw, his palm so dangerously close to your breasts that he was already fiddling with the underband of your bra.

Without hesitation, you replied, “Continue, please.”

[carpedzem]

hi

under the cut i want to talk a little bit, maybe overshare as well. ill try to keep it short (rereading nat here. i didnt). its a sad post, might make some of you angry but not for the reasons you think

i was staying away on purpose, but a few people asked about me so i wanted to let you know that hey, im lurking, im waiting to see what happens. maybe some things will change in the future but im putting it out here so its all in one place

i think i want to start with saying thank you again for sticking around, supporting my art and my thoughts and having discussions with me. i really opened up about myself and what I created here. im very anxious person and it influences my life on every level, so being heard, seeing people laughing at my jokes, loving my art has been so so important to me

about the situation, the gogcident if you will, i logged out as soon as i saw things going down and been getting updates though different source. and while situation is still on going and i dont know where it will go, as how it ends, theres two or three things im firm on that will always be true for me:

i really hate how believe all victims turns into believe everyone who speaks first, no matter what they say, no matter context, no matter proof. the first statement made in this case was untrue in a lot of important details and while i dont think caitis feeling are wrong or invalid i think her first statement made this situation into something it isnt. i think every victim should be heard but attacking everyone who was accused right away is not a solution

i do believe that everyone who was accused of anything has every right to defend themselves. the way its constantly taken away from dteam is not lost on me and its insane and upsetting

you can be traumatized by the events that werent in its core meant to be traumatizing. sometimes people act shitty and leave scars on you and sometimes you can do the same to other people

edited note bc i want this to be here as well: guilty until proven innocent is a crazy mindset and i cannot imagine situation that i would allow it. some idiots dont even realise how dangerous rhetoric that is. including accusers not being obligated to provide any proof of their claims

twt is the worst thing to deal with any discourse, misunderstanding or any delicate situation. i think no ones there cares for any victims period. i wish that place the worst

okay so what now. i havent decided yet. georges and dreams moves so far confirmed for me that no matter what happened it wasnt with malicious intentions. ill wait to see how this plays out and then ill decide about my next steps. one think i did for sure is i uninstalled twt from my phone (and that already bit my ass the moment dream started his space…) that part of fandom, both people who like (liked?) and hate dream is so damn self-destructive, toxic, manipulative and performative it wasnt worth it anymore. for here, i dont know yet. i dont hate dteam, i think this is very unfortunate and sad and complicated situation that left people very deeply hurt. and i wish it wasnt this way and im pretty sure dteam also wish that. but they cant change it and i cant change it even more

now this is something i dont really know how to tell you but let me try. i never mentioned this bc when i had those realizations, it was too late, everyone moved on and i felt stupid for dwelling on this. i feel stupid now, typing this. the thing is, drituation left me quite traumatized. fucking pathetic, i know. the sudden explosion of fandom left me really badly hurt. i lost a lot of people i genuinely believed to be friends with, and i miss them dearly. i felt, fuck it, still feel deeply betrayed by some of them. i dont want people guess who is who thats not the point, those people moved on long time ago. but that hurt has been really difficult to deal with, especially since realistically i know its quite stupid. crying over some people who were following me back for a few months? but i tried to let myself heal and grow love for this community again and i thought we will be okay. drituation felt like the end of the world but we got through it and I thought we are smarter. and well. im not trying to blame anyone or even a whole community, idk maybe i want to blame the universe for putting me here or society for working this way i dont know. but im hurting and i need to find a better way to deal with things going the wrong way. and it deeply upsets me but im afraid that i have to learn how to love you all less. and i honestly dont know yet what that means, how moving forward will look like. i dont have to make this decision now so i let myself stay away from social media for a while still and then go with presented situation the best i can. i dont try to make anyone responsible for my wellbeing i want to make this clear. im just trying to share my feelings and give you context for whatever happen in the nearest future. no matter what i need more healthy relationship not even with ccs but with community itself (and if you see me rebloging hazbin hotel fanarts. spare me...)

in this place i do want to state that no matter what i dont think dteam are bad people. im not closing myself at possibility of participating in the fandom, probably less though things i mentioned earlier. but if any of those things make you uncomfortable in any way, feel free to unfollow/softblock

im leaving my askbox open if anyone has anything to say, add, or idk, scream at me. not sure if i answer any tho. also if i delete this post in the next 10 minutes out of embarrassment then well, haha

on the final note i want once again thank you all for supporting me when i needed help for my cat. you all did something amazing, something i will never forget and i wish to hug everyone of you in person. thank you

see you around. one day. maybe tomorrow maybe in 10 days. idk

and if you are moving on in different direction, if we ever meet again, dont be a stranger

[archivalofsins]

hey, do you remember if mikoto/john ever made any comment about the viewer's opinions? fuuta outright tells the voices to shut up, amane acknowledges them when fuuta asks her about it, and mahiru mostly just feels like her thoughts and love are being rejected. i dont think mikoto/john ever even acknowledge the viewers thoughts about their situation outside the double mv and vd, and even then that could be about what es thinks about them and not the omniscient viewers.

They do!

It's one of the things specifically highlighted by Milgram and Yamanaka within his tweet about Mikoto's voice drama. Through the fact that they recognize and view what Es has deduced through Milgram as valid.

To keep it short. Mikoto references the audience opinions in these instances.

This has been editted to get rid of spellings errors and add more context. Editted on 02/28/24. (There were so many spelling errors to correct don't know if I got them all. I added so much more quotes from the timeline and interrogations and tried to adjust for tone.)

"Eheheh... But...it's not coming to an end. All of this. With things I've never even heard before, the whole ti- The whole time... Haah... I have to see through all of these irritating experiences...!" (Doesn't directly reference Es just that things now feel like they never end. Along with things he's never even heard before.)

"As for alters... Why do you think they're born?" (Specifically asking Es how they think this works instead of divulging any information he's heard from the audience that would in fact be beneficial to Es who after being asked immediately shows they don't know a damn thing about it. Staying consistent with what happened in Amane's voice drama prior.)

"Right. You're decision to not forgive me is especially stress inducing." (Recognition of the punishment attached to the guilty verdict working properly for Mikoto and that's adding to his stress. So, yeah he's hearing the voices.)

"You know that because of Milgram! I don't care about the law, I want to know what you think!"

His birthday interaction from last year. (Him asking if there's really another him implies, he has heard the audience bring it up.)

His birthday interaction with Futa after his verdict.

21/10/06 (Mikoto’s Birthday) Mikoto: ……ah, Futa? What’s up? Did you come to celebrate my birthday? Futa: Hah!? Like I care about your birthday. ……what’s up with you, though, you’re usually a lot more excited. I thought you were the sort of idiot who’d make a big deal over your birthday. Mikoto: Yeah, usually that’d be the case. ……I think I must be getting tired. It’s like I’m anxious over something but I can’t really explain what it is…… Like, the feeling that I’ve been totally wrong about something. Haha, but it’s not like talking to you about it is gonna do anything. Futa: Yeah, yeah, just like you say. Talking to me about it isn’t gonna help. ……but, it’s not like I don’t get what you’re saying. Or rather, I understand exactly what you mean. And if it’s the same thing as I’ve been feeling, then it will just get stronger as time goes on…… probably. But anyway, rather than talking to someone like me you should go and bother the others. Go and get showered with their stupid birthday wishes.

Also, the fact that Mikoto's entire defense for his actions pivoted from I don't remember, and Milgram probably got the wrong guy by mistake to the other one did it. Which not much different from the excuse he gave before but was an excuse widely jumped on and presented by the audience after he was called out for faking for a good period of time and being bad rep. Well, to say the least- It puts a different meaning behind this line,

"“He’s a liar”, you said, and made me out to be a scoundrel, why?"

Since it encapsulates what his first trial was like in a nutshell. Where people either called him out for faking/lying or blamed the alter for all the violent acts making him out to be the scoundrel. People even posited that what we see in MeMe is fake because it's far more graphic than the others and cuts and that this could be due to him having DID and lookie here.

In fact Mikoto's mental footage was so violent... "It's unforgivable." That was my judgment. "That too could be just a fake or attributed to multiple personalities, right?!"

Overall Mikoto, like many of the prisoners, does not state what the audience has told him. However, he heavily implies through his actions he's been told something. What that something is we don't know and given his first verdict percentage he would not be as inclined to tell us as the others would. Hell, even then a lot of others don't tell is. We were never shown what innocent does to a person outside of this from Mu.

21/07/05 (Mu’s Birthday) Mu: Yuno. Don’t you have something to say to me? Yuno: Huh? To you? Me? ……ahh, uh? Your birthday, right? Happy birthday~ Mu: How mean…Since it’s my birthday, I really wish you’d said something before I had to come and tell you myself. Yuno: Right, right, I’m sorry. I’ll be more careful in future~ Later! Haha… things have become even more of a bother… ……so was that Mu-chan’s real personality, then? It’s probably because the guard did something, right?

But yeah, since you were just asking if he referenced the audience outside of his voice drama and music video there's no need to read the rest here. What comes after this basically goes over how I tend to tell when the prisoners are subtly referring to the audience and other things but it's very long.

Now onto the interesting stuff. Because I wrote this before rereading the question and seeing you were asking about things outside of the voice drama and song. So, I'm leaving it.

Mikoto discusses the audience in the way similar to how Mahiru does. Never referring to the audience or the voices as an individual entity or directly instead either referring to that as Milgram collectively or referring to it as an extension of Es' actions and decisions.

Even in Double and I Love You neither of them refer to a big group of people but go "You".

"What you trampled is my, “This is how to be in love with you”."/ "“He’s a liar”, you said, and made me out to be a scoundrel, why?"

Unlike the rest of the prisoners who refer to multiple parties, Mikoto and Mahiru couldn't give a damn less about who is causing them problems and considers the audience, Es, and Milgram all the same entity. Never really separating the three. Because they don't care to.

Other prisoners that do this are Haruka, Shidou, and Kotoko if I'm remembering correctly.

"I will definitely make you love me again."-"Hug me again as you once did."

"You don’t even know yet, and yet."- "What do you mean INNOCENT, if this is my punishment... Now I see, this world is cruel and merciless. The vote that negates the option of death, the love that won’t perish."- "No thank you, it’s none of your concern."- "Shall I fulfill your request and elect to live."

"That's why I became your fangs."- "Tell me why you tell me, “Stop'. Don’t you dare stop now."

Kotoko and Shidou do something interesting in their second trial songs having parts where they both directly refer to Es and the audience separately within their songs. Referring to Es at the beginning and then the audience in the second half.

"I want to be INNOCENT, I want to live. So this is unpleasant, hurling slurs of “hostage game”, you do know that it’s up to me? That’s right, there are lives that need safeguarding. So hey, prolong my life, I’m indispensable. The correct answer, I don’t yet know, but there are lives that need safeguarding. So hey, prolong my life, I’m indispensable."

Shidou Trial 2 Voice Drama

"But... as long as Milgram continues in this direction. We won't be able to save those who get injured if I'm not forgiven." ...! "Even now, Shiina-kun is in a condition where any digression could be fatal. She can't live without my treatment. If I'm not forgiven she will end up dying."

Just want to highlight how Shidou uses the same tactic as Mu but somehow what he does ends up succeeding and what she did doesn't. A lot of people may think that's because none of them asked to be put in that situation and Kotoko was the one who attacked. Yet, my honest response to that would be what the fuck is actually stopping Shidou from helping if he was guilty?

Like prisoners who were Guilty once can still move around and interact with others and the things around them. Unless one is assuming that the punishment for being guilty trial two is worse than one. Something I don't believe would make sense and would not be fair considering this would just simply for many of the prisoners be their first time being guilty. Although, this is Milgram so maybe who knows.

Even in a situation where the trial two punishment for being guilty is harsher than trial ones; what the fuck is stopping him from teaching or instructing someone else within the prison on how to help if he were restrained? He even said Amane could be assisting him and Yuno has been. He's very replaceable, actually. So, it's wild this worked.

As we will get into it is wild any of them are getting away with what they are.

He also doesn't say this as if it will change later. Instead he literally states that Mahiru now just can't live without his help which given injuries should not be true. Yet considering that she hasn't been getting better over the course of trial two honestly yeah, I guess he's right.

That's... true I suppose. "From now on conflict between the prisoners will probably become more frequent."

Dude why the fuck does he say this??? Like no I'm being serious why does he fucking say this? Especially considering last we heard from Haruka in his second trial voice drama Shidou and Kazui were meant to have been negotiating a ceasefire? This sounds like something an individual about to start a conflict would say. A person about to throw down if you will.

Like what the fuck does he know in regards to this? The most good faith interpretation is the ceasefire negotiations have failed. Yet, it's still a weird thing to just add. Especially since he says conflicts between the prisoners. Implying that people other than Kotoko may end up instigating fights.

Even though most of the other prisoners are simply attempting to mind their business and he's the only one who directly states hostility towards Kotoko in various ways.

Others that state having animosity towards someone are

Yuno,

Q.11 Which of the other prisoners do you get along with least? Yuno: I wonder. The ones that are painful just to watch are Haruka and Mu-chan.

Futa,

Q.12 Are there any prisoners you don’t get on with? Futa: Can you not tell by looking at my face? Obviously Kotoko.

Mu,

Q.12 Are there any prisoners you don’t get on with? Mu: Yuno has been really cold lately so maybe her a bit.

Shidou,

Q.06 Do you forgive Kotoko? Shidou: No. I can’t forgive someone for trying to achieve thing with violence.

"To extract that fang, now."/“That’s why I became your fangs.”

Oh, and he has some feelings on Mikoto as well.

Q.07 Are there any prisoners you get along with? Shidou: Kayano-kun has become like that, and I can’t spend my time smoking at the moment, so the smoking trio has disbanded, which is a bit lonely.

What those feelings are beyond me. However, he speaks of his current disposition as though it's a problem. So, I'm putting it.

Kazui,

Q.06 Are there any prisoners you don’t get along with? Kazui: To be honest, probably also Kashiki-chan. It feels like she sees through all the things I don’t want anyone to notice.

Amane,

Q.06 Are there any prisoners you don’t get along with? Amane: Kirisaki Shidou.

and Mikoto,

Q.12 What do you think about Kotoko? Mikoto: I don't like her.

It makes sense that we the audience would know whom everyone is hostile towards. Especially since we just blatantly asked in some written interrogations. However, it's not as though many of them have been presenting their hostility towards each other openly.

Outside of Amane and Kotoko everyone else attempts to be cordial with each other or just outright avoid people they dislike. So, it's still weird he would know this unless he's really good at reading the mood and paying attention to others.

Something he has not shown himself to be. Though, maybe he really is. Still considering he has two individuals he'd could possibly have an issues with this really sounds like some shit somebody who wants start trouble says.

"If I'm not there... They will be in even more danger!"

Bitch you will be there- Guilty or not. You're not getting out of this panopticon any earlier unless you see yourself out buddy. Where do you think you go if you're guilty? The sunken place? You gonna mentally tap out because of the guilt and constant bombardment of being told you're wrong by the audience?

Other people who have been Guilty before you with no warning of what that mental or evironmentally entailed were still able to help and speak to others while suffering under the affects of said verdict. The child did it grow a backbone man! You're an adult and apparently you hold a lot of stake in the fact that you are... So, at least make it make sense why you do with your actions.

In case Shidou has forgotten we have a third trial. So, he's just being a fucking manchild here. Does he think we're gonna kill him immediately after he's voted guilty in this second trial out of three? Does he think as soon as the guilty verdict hits Kotoko is going to attack him? That's the most reasonable and good faith interpretation of this statement.

Like she did attack guilty people that's a fair concern to have. Yet, he's currenty being guarded. Because now that an attack has happened once the others are more on guard.

As Yuno implied would be the case,

Q.09 What do you think about Kotoko’s attacks? Yuno: Is she an idiot? Nothing’s going to change in the world if you just act out violently where everyone can see.

If a person just acts out violently where everyone can see most people will reasonnable recognize that person is apart of the problem too. They won't usually assume they're the solution to anything. Plus again the fact that other people were guilty before him and he knows what that could reasonably entail he should be preparing for that possibility. It's clear that he wants to avoid it by any means and is doing his best to do that.

Which I can't fault the man for that's only natural. But-The fuck is Shidou's second voice drama fearmongering 101?! Why the fuck is he acting like this towards the end?

I bet you're thinking Gunsli is this your first time listening to Shidou's voice drama and honestly yeah it is.

This man is in here like what will they do without me. Despite the fact that a majority of viewers have pretty much agreed the child can take him out/is a serious threat to his safety. At the point the previous statement is widely considered a genuine concern true if anyone wants him dead outside of himself in this facility he is going to die. Because we know that from the beginning Shidou has wanted this all to end and to get the death penalty.

That he's been smoking to be unhealthy,

20/08/04 Mikoto: By the way, why did you two start smoking? For me it was just a means for communication with people at work. Kazui: Hm? I don’t really remember……It’s maybe changed nowadays, but in the past it was just natural for everyone to smoke. What about you, Shidou-kun? Do you remember? Shidou: ……I wonder. I suppose…… I just wanted to do something that was bad for me. Mikoto: Ahh, I kinda get that. It’s like eating instant ramen in the middle of the night.

So, he came into Milgram already trying to get out of life in general. So, he can't threaten himself like Haruka can. He's still gunning for that death sentence even now.

"The scale tilts to and fro, I yearn to be found “GUILTY”."

The only thing he can do is what he's always done used the lives of those around him to excuse his actions and validate his own existence.

"But it tilts towards, find me “INNOCENT”. If the voices crying out in pain, can be saved by me- Allow it to be my charge and mission."

Like I don't know why he came in here acting like this verdict gonna make him someone he ain't and never was. Like man you couldn't even take care of your own- You want us to leave you in charge and responsible of even more people. People who have no reason to have to listen to or take him seriously. People who don't even like him.

Meanwhile Shidou's kids in Triage out here looking like they need Yusuke Urameshi not Shidou Kirisaki. What will they do without me? Man I don't know probably have a better grasp of road safety. You know just spitballing some guesses here.

He came in here really pretending to be the guy and for who? Himself because he's fucking weak and emotinally immature. He can't handle the mental stress of a guilty verdict, he couldn't even handle his own social relationships when his wife was alive,

Q.19 What was your partner like? Shidou: A strong person. I tend to be a bit careless in my personal life, so I was always relying on her.

or taking care their kids after she either died or got ill.

Like listening to the end of his second trial interrogation is legit hearing him hype up his own importance. As though he's going to be a meidcal doctor on the frontlines of a war and voting him guilty is equivalent to immediately killing him in front of a bunch of injured civilians. Halting people from getting aid. When that's not what's occuring here at all!

He's still going to be in Milgram and he will still have another trial. Like maybe he thinks that's what's occuring because of Kotoko but that's even weirder. Because there are more people against Kotoko's actions in the prison than for them.

One of which is fucking Kazui who is already guarding him.

Shidou... "I need to be punished... But I also need to stay alive or young lives will be lost."

Oh, Shidou you're such a martyr.... Pushing to the side your selfish desire to die because you're sick of living with yourself, your own failures, and the fact that the things you worked towards weren't the benefit you thought they would be and instead a massive failure-

Q.15 Do you think you’ve made a contribution to society? Shidou: I used to think my work was a contribution to society.

All because you've found something that validates your existence again. Something that,

"Tells me, the reason it’s ok to be here."

Again I need to highlight we're not fucking killing him with this verdict. Telling someone what they did was wrong is nowhere close to comparable to murder. Also, Kotoko can attack prisoners whether they're innocent or not. Jackalope's brought up that the prisoners are allowed to attack each other during the intermission all of them regardless of verdict.

Unless they're physically restrained and thuse made unable to they can still do it. Plus some of them are shown in full restraints within Undercover still ready to attack somebody if needed. It's not like she is completely bound to acting in accordance with Milgram's rules as has been highlighted before.

22/08/05 (Kazui’s Birthday) Kotoko: ……Mukuhara Kazui. Thanks to you, I wasn’t able to properly serve justice to those who did something unforgivable. I’m currently acting as an agent for our prison guard Es. Don’t get in my way next time. Kazui: Oi oi, don’t be silly, Yuzuriha-chan. There’s no way I could just look away from your outrageous display of violence. Anyway, even disregarding the fact violence against those voted guilty isn’t a part of Milgram’s system, what you’re doing is just acting recklessly based on a broad interpretation. As long as I’m free myself, I’ll stop you. Kotoko: ……what a pointless argument. Hmph. Since Es forgives you, I have no choice but to forgive you myself too. If you to keep to your words, then you’d best do what you can to keep being forgiven. If you’re not, then next time you’ll be one of my targets. Kazui: Oh, how scary. That girl truly is frightening. ……well then, I wonder what the guard will decide to do with me. That’s the one thing I really can’t make out. Honestly……

Yet, throughout his second trial voice drama he keeps subtly pushing this idea that not only will Mahiru die if we vote him guilty but he will too. That not even really touching on the fact the one to bring up a death sentence or execution as a result of the trials to begin with was Shidou.

He brought it to this point and is now lamenting about it being there like oh what should I do.

"I... I don't know what to wish for anymore. I'm starting to think that I want to live. That I want to be forgiven... Despite being so riddled with sins...! ..." Shidou... Do you remember what i told you? "..." Back when you were still fine with dying at any moment, I told you to deperately want to live. "Punishments for sins exist in the first place because we have an attachment to life. your existence in itself is a sacriliege to Milgram and myself", I said. "Yes... I remember." And now, finally, you've gotten attached to life and finally become a real prisoners of Milgram. That's what I believe. You wanting to be forgiven and your wish... Those are the steps that now represent you. "...That won't do... I musn't be forgiven. Otherwise... the countless lives I've taken will never be paid back." Heh. If you're really trying to give up your life as compensation for the people you've killed, then there's no reason to stay alive that will hold up anyway. "..." Don't face them with a life that you're so willing to throw away.

Es greatly sums up the main issue with Shidou's logic.

He is ready and willing to die.

Yet, all the people he killed weren't. Usually people seek medical attention for help, because they want to live. Because they're in pain and they don't want it to get worse. Thesse are people who are trying to survive and seeking out what they believe is the most appropriate help for either themselves, a family member, hell even a stranger on the street if someone calls an ambulance.

It's incredibly tragic when help doesn't get there soon enough but it's down right dispicable when the help is there and decides no you'll die today because I feel like it. You understand what it's like to have to take in order to give and I need to take from you to give something to myself. We're all suffering and you know some people like myself deserve to suffer less than others so this is just how it has to be.

Since that's the case-

"You're in my way...hurry up and die."

I see no difference between this and this.

"Please, go ahead and die already."

Excpet one of the people making this sort of statement puts a lot of stock in being a mature adult and never acting childishly. While the other is at least emotionally honest about their mistakes.

Why did I bring all of this up? To highlight a key difference between Shidou's voice drama and his song. Es never rebuts Shidou for saying he's the only one that can help or calls what he's doing a hostage game.

Making it more than likely Shidou is referring to the audience and the voices he heard discussing his case or something from his real life given the quotes around the phrase. This is more than likely something Shidou has said in reality or had said to him. I lean more towards the first interpretation when it comes to viewing these put in quotations lyrics as direct snippets of quotes from statements the prisoners have said but I'm not that committed either way.

The point is it highlights that he's not just referring to Es here,

"I want to be INNOCENT, I want to live. So this is unpleasant, hurling slurs of “hostage game”, you do know that it’s up to me? That’s right, there are lives that need safeguarding. So hey, prolong my life, I’m indispensable. The correct answer, I don’t yet know, but there are lives that need safeguarding. So hey, prolong my life, I’m indispensable."

He's instead speaking past Es and directly pleading to the audience or voters.

Which is the same thing Kotoko does here-

"So, make yourselves my reason. Just choose the only choice, GUILTY. Say that sympathy is useless. Hate evil as the evil that it is. Don’t you dare stop now. I want a reason for judgment execution, I want it. Give me the next target “UNDER”."

Notably not stating that she became our fang before that but leading into that again. These lyrics (along with the prisoner 011 line in Kotoko's case) recontextualizes the entire song as a direct plea to the audience with allusions of concern towards Es. Mostly merging the two and going if you're on good terms with me I'll be on good terms with all you and your proxy if not things could get messy.

This showcases that they all see no difference between the audience, Es, and Milgram like stated before.

The ones who are more direct while referring to the audience are Yuno, Futa, Mu, Kazui, and Amane. Instead referring to multiple parties through their songs or one.

"I’m the one who chose, let you and you and you all in."

Yuno mentions two others before stating she let "you all" referring to the audience in.

"Don’t get cocky, you in that cypher."- "Tolerate, impress those spectators."- "This prison hosts ears and lethal eyes, I’m sick of it. You and you, throwing around rules for fun, hoisting up morality and feeling good. Should I succumb, make your wish come true? Full of yourselves, are you?"

Futa seperates the prison host from the audience the spectators. In a way showing off that he views Es as an entity hosting an event and the ones spectating as the actual entity he needs to impress or sway to his side. He's basically going if the audience likes me I'll be fine.

"So, it’s wrong? Oh shove that! INNOCENT, isn’t that right?"

It's a personal dislike of mine. People who act based on their sexual urges like that, that is. "It's personal?" Yeah. That's right. "That's strange. I did think that, despite being neutral as a warden you did have some things you dislike, but..." ... "Isn't it unusual to openly reavel a personal dislike as a personal dislike?" You're splitting hairs. "Seems like you really disliked my crime... I get it! Maybe it's because you're so young... Which is to say... ..." Hah? Stop staring at me so openly. It's disgusting. "..." ... [Es punches him]

Honestly warranted he is making fun of Es for the same reasons Jackalope did in Es' voice drama. Being a bit green behind the ears. Which is never fun. So, of course after that the first thing Es does is do the same thing to Amane in her interrogation after this.

... Now I feel better. "-Ow! What are you doing all of a sudden..?!" It was an instinctive reaction. Don't take it personally. "Would you stop just punching me in the face without any hesitation? ...huh Anyways... That's how it is, huh? That's how it is...?"

Kazui stating "That's how it is..." highlights that he does take note of Es' personal feelings. He not only does that but seems to take a moment to mentally compare them to what he's been hearing from the voices over the course trial one. Really honing in on the fact that Es says them disliking Kazui's crime is a personal thing.

Meaning that Kazui knows full and well that Es' personal opinion does not matter when it comes to the verdict and may have concluded as such. Something made even more clear by his second trial song opening with him telling Es to just go shove it. Fuck off get that nonsense out of here.

Kazui literally forgoes Es' statements on his actions from his second voice drama at the jump of cat like oh well the guard said it was wrong but fuck that- Innocent is the right answer. It's the conclusion you all came to the first time so.

Double down. Hence the-

"Lie, until it gets better, follow the king of the masquerade. Lick that sin and oppose punishment, until you can meet the king of the masquerade."

The only allusion to Es in Cat is,

"So it’s wrong? Oh shove that!"

This is because Es has already said they personally dislike Kazui's crime or people who act based on their sexual desires. Meaning if Kazui's crime is that of a sexual nature trying to sway Es on seeing it any other way is pointless. So, he no longer has an interest in convincing Es his behavior was okay. Plus he's not even really concerned by what the audience themselves have assumed or figured out. Something alluded to through how comfortable he in while singing Cat in comparison to Half.

Amane's is rather straight forward as well. Considering her song starts with direct recognition of the audience/spectators going-

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen! It’s the beginning of a most wonderful day! However, there are blasphemers and silent by-standers, who would have it otherwise. We must not give into them, they are the ones that should be judged." - "I disavow you, eyes corrupted must be crushed."

These are the only references Amane makes to the audience and Milgram. Literally going those who agree with me you know what to do. Those who don't well we can't give into those people now can we!

Then there's Mu,

"I am innocent as everybody desires."- "We are just the same. Don’t you think it’s wonderful to control them with my gentle sting?"

Mu compares how what the audience is doing is no different from what she has done. So of course it only makes sense she'd be Innocent. Then specifically speaks of Es after. The one who is also controlling people with their gentle sting. (This statment does apply to the audience as well. Since we're impacting the prisoners through the press of a button a gentle sting/poke. )

The lines calls attention to the emotional and psychological abuse Kotoko points out as being just as bad as what she's doing in her voice drama. Something Es also brings up as a factor in Mu's case during you guessed it her second voice drama.

When Mu says she never really hit anyone herself and Es goes yeah you just had other people do it for you.

"I haven't bullied anyone! I'd never do such a mean thing!" ... "I've never once hit anyone or poured water over anyone's head. I wouldn't do something like that!" ... "I'm not lying. I'm not being dishonest! I really haven't done anything!" I see. I'll take note of that.

Just like Kotoko did with Es. Saying just because you never hit anyone doesn't mean you haven't caused harm or incited it to occur. As Es attempts to highlight they never really used excessive physical violence/took it as far as Kotoko did with the prisoners. Despite the fact that they have hit them and impacted some of them just as negatively as Kotoko has.

Even more so from the admission of Mahiru in her second voice drama.

"I mean it. It doesn't hurt. Compared to the way I felt when you chose not to forgive me... Not at all." ...! "Not at all... Nothing. None of it hurts. It's not...as big of a deal. Ever since, I've constantly been hearing...voices saying I couldn't be forgiven. Yours? Whose? I don't know... I don't know, but... I've heard them this whole time." Mahiru, calm down... "Was what I did such a bad thing? I just... had a normal relationship like everyone else...! That's all I did! Why can that not be forgiven? Hey, why? Why? Why?"

Kotoko's second trial voice drama does well to follow up on those similarities It's Not My Fault, Bring It On, and Backdraft highlighted between the prisoners and those who watch Milgram. The same mentality to jump into something that is quite frankly no one other than the parties involved business just to turn around and blame others when things get bad.

Later

"Ah- But if you don't forgive me, then Haruka-kun will die. So, I think it'd be best not to do that." ...! So, you've heard about that nonsense, too? "Mhm! Haruka-kun told me. So, I could rest easy according to him. That made me happy... It made me really feel our friendship!" You know about it and you're not trying to stop him? Haruka, that is? "Why would I? Haruka-kun says that's what he wants. So, there's nothing I can do, right?" But you're calling him your friend? "Isn't it exactly because he's, my friend? Isn't friendship about letting your friends do the stuff they want?" ... "Are you planning to tell me, "That's not what friendship is."? Then, what is it? It's about sticking together because it's beneficial for everyone involved, isn't it?" I don't think Haruka is benefitting from that at all. "No way... It's not like you'd know what's good for him." ... You sure are tough to beat. "I really don't get what it is you're trying to say, Warden-san. Haruka-kun is free to decide what he wants, and I'm not doing anything wrong. It's not like I asked him to do that!" I see. So, that's how it is, huh. You don't say anything; just because you're present, the wishes of those around you evolve to benefit you- Oh, so that's it. Like, a born queen. No, it's as if you're influencing your surroundings not with words but with pheromones... Just like a queen bee. "Pheromones...? I'm not sure what you're going on about but I'm not a fan of that lewd-sounding stuff." That's not the nuance i was talking about. "Either way there are prisoners much more deserving of not being forgiven than me. So, I think you should focus your energy on those guys instead. Like, Kotoko-san has been up to no good, for example. Ah, but what she did was approved by you, wasn't it?" ...You're making my blood boil. "Anyway... I think you would do good to forgive me. Then Haruka-kun will be safe, too. Ah, actually- Couldn't you just forgive everyone? Then Kotoko-san won't run amok, and you won't have to think about all the difficult stuff." ...That is...a very enticing proposal. "Right? Hah, hehehe." Abandoning all thinking... How nice it would be if I could just do that. "...If you ask me, I don't really get why you don't do it..." Because this is the role I'm playing! "But this role was giving to you, wasn't it?" ...! "You didn't end up doing this because you wanted to, right? It's not a dream you've had for a long time or anything, Warden-san? So, there's no need to let it tie you down. Couldn't you just quit?" What are you... "Warden-san- We call you warden, because that's what you are, right? And I wa sassigned the role of prisoner, but that doesn't mean I'm now nothing but a prisoner at heart, too. After all, I'm still me." ...! "Are you okay warden? Are you feelings sick again?" Haah...haeuahh... "That's because you keep thinking too much about difficult things." ...Gyh!... Haah... "Just stop. Being the warden, that is."

Es brings up that Mu is emotionally manipulative. That she hones onto any weakness to exploit in those she dislikes and makes herself look small so those around will feel more inclined to help her. Through her voice drama, like many of the other prisoners, Mu uses the same tactics that got her into Milgram to begin with.

From her first voice drama Mu is well aware that Es has issues when it comes to thinking about themselves outside of their job as prison guard. She recognizes it as a trigger which she willfully exploits in an attempt to get her point across better.

Then despite saying what Kotoko did is no concern of hers and since it was approved by the warder it'd be wrong of her to disagree with it earlier in the same voice drama her tone changes a lot near the end.

"Huh? But that has nothing to do with me." What? "The ones who are suffering are the ones who have done bad things right? You know, like, what goes around comes around?" ... "Besides Kotoko-san hurt and was mean to the people who you chose not to forgive, right?" ...Yeah. "Wouldn't it be weird for me to have any thoughts on that, then? After all, I didn't do anything wrong. You forgave me!"

Yet, suddenly when the idea that she might be viewed as in the wrong later comes up Kotoko is running amok and is a prisoner more deserving of not being forgiven than her. Because Mu as she has always done puts targets on other people to avoid being singled out herself. Then to add insult to injury she directly contradicts what she says about friendship and it being letting the people around you do what they want.

By continuing to badger Es into quiting being a guard and stop taking the role so seriously. Because Es taking their job seriously does not benefit Mu. It puts her at risk of being singled out and votes guilty later down the line. So, it's better if they just drop it.

If they don't/can't she has no issues, or qualms making the situation more difficult for them by poking at weak spots until Es-

If you want to betray from jealousy I’ve told you what’s gonna happen.

What's the point of highlighting all of this? Why include all the others when this is just meant to be about if Mikoto references the audience over the course of trial two.

Well, to be completely honest this isn't about them.

Even though at times this seems to be about the others. They're only being used as examples of how I analyzed the information provided and discerned through my own perspective when the audience was being referred to, how it was being referred to and why.

It is just easiest to explain that method over the course of all the prisoners and build up to Mikoto.

It just so happens that this may stand out more overtly with Mu than any of the other prisoners. Because of how consistent a character she is. Like she states in her voice drama no matter what labels external forces put on her, inside, in her heart she will always be Mu. She, like all the other prisoners, isn't changing and has no desire to change.

Their only desire is to escape punishment and gain social power and influence by any means necessary at times.

This is important with how they refer to the audience and the entities they choose to suck up to. Many of the prisoners have recognized being nice to Es just does not matter long term because they are just a proxy. They don't have much power or influence over how the prisoners are viewed.

Sure, it's good to get along with them for images sake during the interrogation but ultimately how well off they are with the guard doesn't heavily impact their verdict.

Yet, as long as they aren't outwardly and overtly malicious, they can get away with harassing Es if they want to. Mu's whole thing is making it appear as though she had no malicious intent or at least if she did it was a warranted response to the circumstances. She's just a victim, an underdog biting back. It's not her fault people were mean to her, but she doesn't just have to take it on the chin and wear it.

She has a right to protect herself after all she was-

"Having such a hard time." and "Trying so hard."

She was at a point where she couldn't take it anymore. Her heart was all dried up and her sorry spells weren't working.

Mikoto is the same way throughout his voice drama.

A mix of Mu and Mahiru's behavior. Basically, they're all passive aggressive about it. Dancing around the point instead of tackling it head on.

Not really elaborating on what they've heard but more so implying it through their emotional states and responses.

"If you just laugh and pretend, usually things will work out in the end right?"

X

"I'm pretty good at that! Making things work out to the best of my abilities." Is that so... "Eheheh... But...it's not coming to an end. All of this. With things I've never even heard before, the whole ti- The whole time... Haah... I have to see through all of these irritating experiences...!" You emerged, huh. "Hey. Looks like you haven't received a beating yet, Warden brat." ...! ... "Hah? What, are you scared?" Like you didn't get beaten by Kotoko...! "Heheh... That was just because she caught me off guard. We went at it again while you were asleep and it's not like i lost there."

Mikoto in his second voice drama similarly to Mahiru and Kazui does not willfully give Es or the audience information. Instead questioning Es on what they believe and what they saw.

"As for alters... Why do you think they're born?" In precise terms it's called, Dissociative Identity Disorder. Generally speaking it refers to when a person experiences severe pain or stress, and a new personality is created in order to isolate the original personality from the resulting trauma. "Yeah. I... probably come out to ease the stress I experience."

It's important to note that Mikoto (John) is not speaking in past tense here but present tense. So, he's not stating I emerged in the past in response to the stress Mikoto was experiencing. He's literally saying I'm coming out now to ease the stress he's currently experiencing.

Subtly calling to attention that Milgram, the verdict and the audience voices are causing Mikoto stress and he was brought out to handle and relieve Mikoto from that.

Even elaborating after that-

"The fact that I come out for longer just means that I'm constantly under extreme stress."

Again highlighting the negative impact Milgram has had on Mikoto's mental health and wellbeing. Yet also calling to attention that Mikoto (John) doesn't have a clue about what the source of the stress is. Just that Mikoto must be stressed for him to be here. Saying that just means and going off the fact that he's here at all to discern that.

Them asking this at least confirms again that they both recognize the audience as well as Es at least know Mikoto has Dissociative Identity Disorder. Something Mikoto states he's heard from the voices on his birthday as well.

The fact that he's questioning if there's really another "me" on his birthday means he more than likely heard that from the audience. He doesn't really get the chance to broach it in his voice drama or doesn't broach the topic.

Yet it is made abundantly clear before that occurs that Mikoto is aware due to the voices he's heard from the audience. So there's that as well.

All this makes the moment after this particularly interesting.

Stress... Namely, the environment of Milgram, right? "Right. You're decision to not forgive me is especially stress inducing. That's why I'm entrusting me with my heart." I see. "Not like I can blame myself. From my point of view, I'm being blamed for a crime I can't even remember." If that's the truth, then... You're the one who committed the murder? "Yeah, it was me. I killed them off." ... "So, I, Mikoto really didn't do it." Can i ask... Why you killed them? "They annoyed me." Who did you kill? "Just whoever was walking around nearby." ... How many did you kill? "Can't remember I was just born back then, you know. It's kind of fuzzy."

Just whoever was walking around-

In this empty ass back alley looking underpass in the dead of fucking night. Okay, Lil' Slugger. I believe you.

I too walk around in the dark of night to secluded spaces with no public foot traffic and a loud passing train that would mask not only my screams but those of anyone else around this is true and reasonable. It's something we all have to do we can't control where our homes are located or find other safer alternative night routes at times. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do and people like Mikoto are there.

Sometimes you have to walk up to or past a suspicious ominously posted up stranger that definitely doesn't look in any way to be waiting to initiate a hit. That's not something any person would want to avoid in the middle of the night on their walk by all means. I would have seen you like this and went whelp fuck my house is that way... Aw, damn he's either gonna kill me or I'm gonna get home but I gotta walk that way. Better start praying and speed walking.

I ain't even a religious person but I need something to have me right now.

We already made eye contact. I saw him see me. That was my first mistake. Can't get out of it now. Whelp, I have the perfect song for this. I'm such a fucking disappointment. Oh, this route will be shorter there's not many people on it! We'll get home faster. Now I'm about to die.

I would be so pissed to die because this guy was just what fucking waiting to hurt somebody. What the fuck man pick up a contact sport and put the bat down!

Think I was fucking around when I said okay I belive you well ha ha; no. I wasn't. I don't believe this is the truth in this instance. However, I one hundred percent believe this is some city shit. The fucked up thing is what he just said isn't unreasonable like that shit happens there's senseless violence all the time. That doesn't make it better he really went on the mic and said,

"I killed someone because it really was just one of those days, I'm quirky like that. I didn't even know them. Didn't even know their name. They were just annoying had those hit me with a bat vibes you know."

Like dude fuck you that's not better. That's substantially worse actually. I'm sorry this has nothing to do with the question. It's just... Rewatching Mikoto's second voice drama is a trip. One second it's like if you did do that for the reason you stated then you're kind of just objectively the worst person here and continuing to vote you guilty would be better.

He just admitted he just does this shit to relieve his own stress and it doesn't matter who he hits. It's not personal in any way. Does having a hard time and demanding job excuse that? I don't think it does. These were all people to his own quick and flimsy admission had no connection to him. Never wronged him, hell they're strangers whose only crime was walking near him.

Yet the child who killed their abuser is barely treading water while he's here coasting-

That's fucked up! The fanbase did Amane Momose dirty and it really just seems like it's because she's a child. Because these fucking adults be acting hell of childish and they are not getting as much heat as this twelve year old has. Be better. The fuck type of defense is this. He really came in here and said,

"I felt like it so I did. What's the problem?"

Then a majority of people went alright go off he's such a victim- Of what nepotism, marginally good looking priviliege?! Being shippable and okay to sexualize leading to people liking and projecting on him more than a twelve-year-old?! Because all of those things are actually helping him a lot if you take a step back to think about. Like if you take in the image in full he's doing quite well now in comparison to the shit start he had.

He literally said I killed just because they annoyed me. I didn't even know them and people went I do not dee the problem with that. Go off king people do be annoying. If you don't want to die don't be annoying in public. Being annoying death penalty actively abusining your child for years and killing a cat come on Amane jumping to murder due to that was a bit of leap wasn't it. Like even if your religion said so sweety killing is bad.

Because the truth is if he was Amane's age and gave the excuse that was given here it wouldn't be working. It would be giving repeat offender energy he would need to learn a lesson. He would be hiding behind his disorder.

Even though Mikoto (John) may only be admiting to committing the murders to cover for Mikoto which I'll go into again later... I'm mostly highlighting this to go this should not have made him be more favorably viewed. Like people really just ignored he said that shit.

Yet, then other times in the voice drama it really sounds like listening to your friend lie about the disorder they have blatantly and without restraint to get out of something they simply did not want to do to begin with. To an individual that is woefully underinformed about how the disorder works. Which is me saying it's fucking hilarious. It is absolutely amazing. He should keep doing that actually.

It's not Mikoto or Mikoto (John's) fault that people are ignorant when it comes to dissociative identity disorder and stereotype people that have it. He should take advantage of what aids him. If that's the ignorance of others in this age it takes ten seconds to start researching. No one has to teach anybody in the real wold except teachers and they ain't paid well for it.

We gotta figure it out on our own. He is in jail he doesn't owe society or anyone in that jail shit especially the truth and he isn't giving it.

Mikoto (John) goes me fronting longer has allowed me to stabilize which probably isn't good and means Mikoto the prisoner is disappearing. That is not typically not how Dissociative Identity Disorder works. I don't know why anyone would want to present it as though it does work the way Mikoto (John) is purporting. He's basically saying that alters are born at random and are immediately violent.

This is a a very weird and stereotypical way of discussing and presenting people with DID. That has led to the demonization and stigmatizing of the disorder. It's not like it can't happen people can have violent alters but usually they're responding to a trigger not just being violent towards uninvolved parties or just lashing out at anyone while outside of stressful situations.

Plus, alters can go dormant but that doesn't just happen due to someone else fronting. They can also be integrated. Everyone is different though. So, maybe that's just how this works for Mikoto. Though, alters do disappear for a bit that happens as well. So, why is Mikoto (John) acting like Mikoto's gonna die?

It's difficult for me not to question how this was phrased, especially given what others have pulled over the course of trial two. A good deal of trial two has been prisoners going well if you vote me Guilty someone else will disappear/die- So, you should just like find me innocent. It's that easy find me innocent and everything will be fine.

Like these assholes have genuinely forgotten they are in here because someone has already died. They really be out here like I will certainly take a life but it won't be mine. Do as I say not as I do. Violence is bad and we wouldn't want to hurt anyone let's all just get along.

Where was this Barney ass logic when you were giving people head-on collisions with bats, knives to people's chest, committing malpractice. Like none of these people have said there's no reason to take a life because they've all fucking done it. Just that there's no reason to take away their lives. At least with the people who have brought that sort of thing up.

Isn't that sort of fucked up? That all of trial two a good deal of prisoners threatened the audience with the idea of someone dying as a result of the audiences' actions. Completely ignoring, downplaying, or evading the fact that someone has already died because of their actions.

Instead, it's about reducing harm in the present suddenly. Yet they weren't thinking about reducing harm when they did what they did. Maybe reducing harm to themselves. Then when their victims come up they get real quiet suddenly. Unless it's Shidou or Mahiru who immediately turn it around and make it about how the victims deaths are impacting them.

How it's making them feel bad.

Even ignoring all of the emotionally questionable things presented here and over the course of trial two. Pushing that to the side and just taking the voice drama by itself.

It's riddled with contradictions. For example, this statement

"Evidently, the time I've been fronting has been getting longer. So, this "me" has been able to stabilize. Isn't that the reason we can talk properly?"

Let's again ignore the fact that you were working and taking the fucking train before Milgram. Something that is not only expressly shown in your music video but corroborated by Mikoto's own testimony that directly conflicts with seeing you on a fucking train,

Q.12 How do you travel to work? Mikoto: Road cycling. It’s one of my hobbies, and it’s good exercise too. The fact I don’t have to worry about making the last train can be both a blessing and a curse.

Meanwhile in clown town where the alibis are shit and keeping a story straight is dead.

Q.17 Do you smoke? Mikoto: Only electric. I used to smoke real cigarettes in the past, but since I started my job I’ve stopped.

Like they even change the tote bags they carry so one has the color we fucking have had associated with Mikoto (John) and the other doesn't so the person taking the fucking train is more than like Mikoto (John).

Not even adding to the fact Mikoto confirms that he's the one who works at night in his fucking first written interrogation through this answer-

Q.06 What do you hate? Mikoto: working overnight / reptiles / violence

All things that appear or are alluded to in MeMe. Either from the tarot cards or expressly shown like with the images of him returning home.

Ah, man it'd be a fucking shame if on top of all that there was canonical merch that showed Mikoto vaping after the murder or holding an e-cigarette.

Certainly no one has that and the staff wouldn't provide us with something so damning because they like to keep things up to interpretation and it's not meant to be solvable. It's about how we all view it, view it in our hearts through our feelings.

Meanwhile the third anniversary art coming in with a steel chair.

(Something I brought up way before, along with the idea that the art from the third anniversary is in fact the prisoners after their crimes. Even getting this merch to check more closely. )

Oh, Holmes I'm absolutely stumped at what this could mean. Surely this is still just Mikoto (John) too. It could be no one else. Mikoto is an honest innocent man who couldn't hurt a fly.

All he did was dream. Except when that witty bastard plum forgot he still smoked cigarettes occasionally just a few times. Quitting is difficult, yes, even when moving over to the same thing in a different form. It doesn't mean he's a liar.

For another example, here

This is not Mikoto (John) in MeMe smoking in the tub but still Mikoto. He's an honest but confused man. Who wouldn't know or rightfully remember no longer smoking cigarettes.

Okay time to stop joking around-

It is more reasonable to recognize that they both appear throughout MeMe and Double and this is subtly displayed through their stated habits, clothing, and facial expressions. Then just ignoring the pile of evidence that shows Mikoto (John) clearly had a life outside of here too.

Along with that again to Mikoto's own admission trial one he was the one more active at night until recently. Stating with extraordinarily little prompting-

Q.20 Are you more of a morning person or a night person? Mikoto: I used to be basically nocturnal. Recently though I’ve been falling asleep pretty early.

Ignoring all of that again he's still just fucking lying.

Just because alters don't front doesn't mean they don't have a stable internal existence. What the fuck are you on about right now? Like at most I can generously say he meant it was becoming easier for him to front but this was bullshit.

This was not a good way of phrasing that. Again alters that don't front have personalities and could even have rich lives internally. So, Mikoto (John) is on some nonsense. Like he's just testing what he can fucking get away with because he knows Es is stupid and ill informed.

Every day I question how he is getting away with it when the honest answer is,

People frankly don't care to see it and that's fine.

There's even the fucking fact that Mikoto (John) directly fucking contradicts himself right after stating this.

"Evidently, the time I've been fronting has been getting longer. So, this "me" has been able to stabilize. Isn't that the reason we can talk properly?" ... "If I had stayed a monster maybe that would've been better. ...What?" You've turned out to be much more rational than I expected... I'm surprised. "I'm a university graduate after all."

Alright, Mikoto (John) which the fuck is it?

Have you only recently been fronting enough to stabilize leading to you being able to communicate properly or did you front for all of fucking college?

You were at least aware enough of it to consider yourself a college graduate. So, what's the truth? Huh which fucking is it?

"Can't remember I was just born back then, you know. It's kind of fuzzy."

I am once again asking how you fucking remember college Mikoto (John)?! Yet, were just born back then?

Okay, let's talk about the elephant in the room-

The threekoto or trikoto theory.

Because some people may want to say if you take into consideration the existence of a third unknown alter than all these inconsistencies can be explained, Gunsli. This is what all those inconsistencies are hinting towards, it's the perfect explanation you're just choosing not to see it.

Yes, I am choosing not to see it that way.

Yet that's not only because it doesn't bring me any narrative joy and subtracts from it. It's also because I view that concept as a cheap fix-it solution where a new factor has been shoved into the narrative in order to account for things within it that could be logistically explained by other means. There's also no actual evidence to this being the case.

One could rightfully say what about the inconsistencies you just pointed out though.

Those could simply be explained by a fact that Milgram has brought up since the beginning of the series-

The prisoners can lie.

If the prisoners who are under more restrictions than Mikoto (John) still have the freedom to lie why are people assuming Mikoto (John) isn't lying as well? Especially when being faced with an unknown, dangerous situation, in which he's been threatened with the death sentence? Like wouldn't the reasonable response to such an odd situation be to keep your information yours alone. Not willfully give it to an entity exerting power over you?

So, the inconsistencies found here very well could be there to hint at what exactly happened once all the information is examined together.

Though, let's be serious for a bit.

Let me walk down that bridge with anyone who wants to go there? What's the actual probability that all the information that they gave us-

Including naming the songs,

MeMe and Double.

Along with willfully adding this fucking very overt line,

"Doesn’t matter if you didn’t wish for it, can’t get rid of me now. Just the two of us, relieved, aren’t you? I’ll protect you (us)."

Are all actually statements meant to mislead the audience and both Mikoto and Mikoto (John) are being honest about not remembering the murder and this third more recently born alter is the actual murderer. Because given that statement on the crimes and Mikoto (John)'s admission that yes, he is a college graduate, the lyrics in Double pointing out we made him out to be a scoundrel-

In my opinion that would be the most reasonable conclusion to draw if I were to believe this is true with the information we've been given so far.

Even if that were the case and all of these other things were red herrings.

These would all be objectively the worst red herrings in existence. Because that isn't a red herring it's a fucking school of them. Grab a fishing rod and get to it. This is past the point of being considered a red herring and instead would be more aptly described as a series of overt lies.

You know a good red herring is when people can actually figure out it is that and there's evidence in canon alluding to that being the case and what is commonly accepted as truth being disingenuous. I'm not the biggest Steven Universe fan nor do I hate it passionately. I'm more neutral to it.

So, let's use it as an example.

-Spoilers for Steven Universe-

In Steven Universe it turns out Pink Diamond and Rose Quartz are the same fucking person. There is art that alludes to this before this reveal. There were speculations and theories of this being the case. What Steven Universe did not do repeatedly at any point was go she's not a diamond we swear this is a normal Rose Quartz.

They didn't draw attention to the elephant in the room over and over. Most of the characters in the series believed fully that she was a quartz and had been lied to for years. It's never called attention to because it is a wildly accepted truth. So, nobody questioned it.

Yet, there were still hints this was the case enough for people to speculate such far before it was revealed to be the case. My point is red herrings are seen not heard, not repeated over and over. A red herring by definition is one misleading clue or accepted truth meant to trick the viewer into believing something that is untrue or move them away from the truth.

It's not a consistent pattern.

-End Spoilers for Steven Universe-

Then to add more insult to fucking injury why the fuck would Deco*27 say this-

This isn't a red herring this isn't even within the canon.

This is a statement he made independent of the canon. Outside of that he didn't even have to give a specific number but did anyway. He could have just said what will happen to the Mikoto's now. If they wanted this shit to remain ambiguous. Yet, he still used two unless this translation from the Milgram app is simply wrong and it added that.

It'd be weird but machine translations have been weirder.

Yet, considering everything I've seen it truly makes more sense for me to believe Mikoto and Mikoto (John) are both being dishonest for self-preservation reasons than to believe that the entire series has been lying from jump.

I just find it more likely that these two who found themselves in such a strange situation, who are vehemently trying to convince the audience and the other prisoners around them that they are honest trustworthy men are just fucking lying about a lot of provably false shit. Then as it tends to happen when someone is telling lies off the seat of their fucking pants there are many easily spotted contradictions and direct confirmation of actual truths.

Because the truth tends to be consistent lies aren't unless a person is very skilled at it. (Glances at Kazui.) Throwing all that to the side.

If the idea of there being three alters brings someone joy, then that's all well and good. I'm not trying to stomp that out or rain on anyways parade. I just don't personally want the information I discuss to be associated with that or have any interest in discussing that interpretation.

There are a lot of people who'd have a great time doing that. I am not one of them.

Because I feel using that idea to excuse the fact that the alibi, excuses, other statements Mikoto has given, and the reality of the situation through the songs extracted directly contradict each other in a way that highlights he may not be being honest is not only incredibly convenient for him but somewhat disingenuous.

This includes his voice dramas and the birthday interaction before Double premiered. Unsurprisingly.

I'm not looking for an easy fix for those inconsistencies that keep Mikoto looking infallible and like he couldn't hurt a fly. I'm not looking for something that frames Mikoto as being in the right, a good person, and a victim of circumstance while highlighting an alter as being completely bad and in the wrong always. Because that sort of story is lacking in nuances in my opinion and wouldn't be fun to me.

If that were the case it would make it feel as though the story itself was highlighting Mikoto's character having dissociative identity disorder as the reason for him being a murderer or the only thing that led to these issues occurring. Something that just doesn't feel right to me personally.

It's never like what has Mikoto done/chosen to do or how could he have responded differently or managed stress better. Nope it's always an alters fault, it's always the disorders' fault. There's no respect for Mikoto's own agency because he's a guy with a disorder, he didn't mean it, he couldn't help it, that's just how it is.

The impressive thing is how often Milgram as a series pushes back against this interpretation and simplification of dissociative disorders in general.

Then the fandom pretty much plays into this trying to tell others there's a definitive way to know if someone has it, how many alters they have, and at what time an alter is out just by vibes and speaking patterns alone.

As if dissociative identity disorder doesn't involve a shit ton of masking and trying to appear fine to avoid being singled out by others.

Milgram highlights this issue with the perception of dissociative disorder through Amane's voice drama.

Where Es literally implies that since Amane's case doesn't present the same exact way as Mikoto's and she cannot do the same things as him that solidifies to them that Amane herself cannot have a dissociative disorder. So, in Es' eyes what Amane is doing is just playing pretend by referring to herself as we and god. So, really all she is or appears to be to Es at the end of the day is a kid throwing a tanturm and playing make believe.

Well... It's in vain. So, you might as well listen to me while we're here. "I won't forgive you. I won't forgive you." Prisoners can't attack the warden. This is one of Milgram's core rules, although a certain guy with multiple personalities managed to slip past it. "I won't forgive you... I won't forgive you..." Which means Milgram doesn't dictate who the prisoners are by their body but by their mind. If the mind isn't accounted for then the rule doesn't apply. It bothers me that there's a loophole, but... "I'll kill you...! I'll kill you!" Thanks to this defective rule we can confirm this; The 'you' holding the scissors right now isn't a god or a concept. It's Amane Momose herself. "...I'll..." So, what you're doing right now really is just a game of pretending. This is stupid.

Then Amane later in her voice drama calls out Es for referring to themselves as we. Saying that Es must just be playing pretend to avoid taking accountability for their actions as well.

Es makes the very severe and common mistake of assuming all dissociative disorders present the same way and immediately has their own logic used again them. Leading them to have another crisis of identity. They're shown to have a serious lack of understanding of themselves and their opinion.

Something that from the beginning of Milgram has been shown to cause them discomfort in multiple voice dramas. Mu's first and second one, Kotoko's first and second one, and Amane's second one. This same logic could very well lead to the audience making a lot of the same mistakes as Es is presented making.

Well, that was longer than I anticipated. But, there's a lot of things about Mikoto that imply he not only heard the audience voices but took the reaction he received into account when deciding on how he proceeded.

Other than that, I've got a birthday to have. Sorry for the long answer and going much more in depth than I needed to. I also hope none of this was rude.

Though i can't really control how I'm interpreted.

[shimmerwindow]

I Never Really

Part Ten

Word Count: 4.6k

Warnings: Alcohol use, smut (18+)

Sexual Content: Car sex, spanking, creampie as always

Playlist | Masterlist

Tag list: @jazzyfigz @dont-go-home-without-me @poochiesworld @stardustcatcher @83rkblogs @jaketsguitar @dannys-dream @gretavanfan @do-it-jakey-baby @gvfpal @ignite-my-fire

Every class with Sam was becoming more and more difficult to sit through. You had a ritual now that avoided having to see each other outside of class, where your last half of the class would be silently exchanging your notes on the project. It’d been this way for a week or two now, maybe more or maybe less, the days were blurring together. You weren’t even sure what day of the week it was anymore, letting your feet carry you to your classes on pure muscle memory.

You’d been sure to close the roof door behind you every night since the last encounter. In all honesty to yourself, you didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. You loved him, you were in too deep to not admit that to yourself at this point. But you would do nothing with those feelings, and wait for them to fade.

Every day, though, the feeling would come back all the same. He was your first thought every morning, that beautiful face plaguing your every move. Any time you heard his name, or even something that sounded like his name, you would perk up. Even walking past the guitar shop in town was difficult at this point, ever since you saw him there through the windows.

You walked out of class behind him, watching the way his pants swished around his ankles. You heard his voice.

“Hey!” In the same tone he would use to greet you. Back when you were both always happy to see each other.

There was a girl waiting at the door for him. Your blood ran ice cold, your heart feeling like it stopped in your chest for a moment. You couldn’t look at her any more than the brief glance you’d gotten. You didn’t even say goodbye to Sam as you sped away, upping your pace so you wouldn’t hear whatever he was going to say to her.

“Tonight? I’ll be around.”

You cursed him, cursed that voice of his, cursed that accent you could pick out above even the most deafening crowd. You didn’t want to hear those words.

Things felt emptier now as you braced yourself against the frigid mid-November air, the anxious waiting period between fall and winter upon the Earth. It was a time where it seemed like everything was holding its breath. Every tree clung to the last of its leaves, every squirrel buried the last of its acorns. And you, trying to bury the last of your love for Sammy, holding your breath that the tide may change and he would come around. He never would, and you knew that. You’d gotten so close, two lines fated to approach but never quite cross, like one of those math equations, the graphs, what were they called? You didn’t particularly care to remember.

Your grades had started to slip. A perfect GPA became just slightly below perfect, a tragedy in your education-obsessed mind. Though, you couldn’t quite bring yourself to give a shit when you turned in assignments half-assed and late. It just wasn’t all that important to you. You felt your phone buzz against your hand in your pocket. A text from Jake.

Haven’t heard from you in a while, hope you’re well. Want to come over tonight? Josh is here. Sam and Daniel are out.

Yeah, no shit Sam was out. Your gut reaction was to tell him no. Another night of crying in bed alone was just what the doctor ordered on a gloomy day like today. But you fought yourself, typing back a reply.

i would love to!

He messaged back saying he would pick you up around 6. Perfect.

You couldn't be bothered to make yourself look any more than half-decent after classes. When 6 finally rolled around, the light had faded from the sky, leaving only those stars you'd come to resent so much. You carried two shirts over your arm as you headed out to meet Jake at his car.

He opened the door for you, with a bow and a sweep of his arm. “Princess treatment for the angel,” he said with a smile.

You rolled your eyes at him and slinked into the passenger seat. “Thank you, sir,” you quipped back, and he pretended not to hear it.

“Are you alright?” He asked as he pulled out of the lot. “You look…very exhausted.”

You shrugged. “Finals season is coming up. Just getting a bit burnt out, that's all.”

“It’s interesting,” he cocked his head, placing a hand on your knee. “Any time you end a sentence with ‘that’s all,’ you make it rather easy to tell that’s definitely not all.”

How he’d gotten such a firm grasp of your mannerisms in such a short amount of time, you weren’t quite sure. “We can get into it later. Make me one of those fancy drinks first.”

He nodded. “Josh is already preparing the entire house as if the queen herself was coming over. I’ll fix you up something nice, angel.”

“I have your shirts, by the way.” You held them out, neatly folded.

“I figured you’d want to keep them.”

“But they’re yours.”

He let out a short laugh. “I've given you plenty of me, you can have a few shirts, if you want them. Unless you're just giving them back because they don’t smell like me anymore.”

He routinely left you dumbfounded at the way he could clock even the smallest details you would never tell him. Even things you didn’t know were true until he said them. You drew a breath to reply, but found it pointless to protest. He knew you too well.

“Need me to wear them a few times before you’ll take them back?”

“I’ll wait until I get another one from you organically. I’m sure another will be in my possession soon enough.” You smiled at him weakly.

When you pulled up, Josh greeted you at the door with a hug, rocking you side to side in a warm embrace. “So glad you’re here!” He gave you a wide smile, crossing his arms against the cold. “Are you hungry? Do you want something to drink? I got the fireplace going for us.”

“You’re interrogating the poor woman. Let her sit down first,” Jake said, holding the door open for you.

Warm light spilled out from the entryway onto the porch, which had been appropriately decorated for the season. Two vases with a gorgeous bouquet of fake flowers in shades of fall colors framed the door, and a large wreath had been hung on the door itself. Josh’s touches, you figured.

The house was warm, and emanated that familiar scent you’d come to love. It was a mixture of all of them. The fresh, earthy scent from Josh’s plants, the incense that was always burning, the wood in the fireplace, whatever cooking Jake had done that day, it all coalesced into something that made you feel at home. That was a feeling that was difficult for you to find these days, being so far away from your actual home. You were grateful to find even the smallest glimpses of it here. You curled up in the recliner, tucking your hands between your knees. The TV was on, and some cooking show droned out of it.

“What do you want to drink?” Jake asked, coming up behind you and rocking the recliner back and forth. “Or do you want it to be a surprise?”

“Surprise me,” you smiled, looking up at him. He nodded, and whisked himself away to the kitchen.

“Anything in particular you want to do tonight?” Josh asked, plopping down in the oddly-shaped chair across the coffee table from you.

You shook your head. “Just didn’t really want to spend another night alone.”

“I haven’t seen you in weeks, and you’ve been alone this whole time?” Josh almost looked genuinely angry with you.

“Well, I wasn’t going to just invite myself over here…”

“You’re always welcome. All you have to do is ask.”

“Thank you, Josh. That’s sweet of you.” It was almost aggressive, how much he seemed to care about you. It was a good feeling. You didn’t know him all that well, but you could tell he was always ready to fight for you, and he would always be in your corner.

“And what about Sam?” Josh asked as Jake returned to the room, drink in hand for you.

There it was again, that icy feeling that came over you any time he was brought up. “What about him?”

“Why not hang out with him?” Jake asked, sitting on the couch and kicking his feet up on the coffee table. “You guys live in the same building, for god’s sake.”

“He’s…” you were caught in a corner here, and this suddenly felt more like an intervention than a hangout with friends.

“He said you’re not talking to him anymore. You still mad about that fight? I wouldn’t blame you,” Josh said.

You sighed and started nervously fidgeting, lacing your fingers together. It pissed you off a bit, that he would tell them you weren't speaking much. Although, you couldn't rightfully be angry at him for talking to his brothers. “We made up after that. I don’t know if I can really get into this.”

“It’s just us,” Jake said, holding up his hands in a shrug. “Whatever secrets you have, we’ll both happily keep them. But only talk if you want to.”

“You do look terribly exhausted. Like you’ve got no sunshine left. If something is weighing on you, we’re here.”

You looked at your hands in silence for a bit, listening to the ecstatic voice of the announcer on the TV. Counting down, yelling something about how the chefs only had one minute left. It wouldn’t hurt to tell them, right? If anyone would understand, and maybe be able to help, it was the two men sitting with you right now. You weren’t ready to tell them the entire truth of the matter – you weren’t even sure you would be able to make the words come out of your mouth anyway.

“You want me to change the subject?” Jake began. “I did get this cool new–”

“No. It’s just…” You swallowed thickly, gathering your thoughts. “It’s just, like…he’s got this– this new girl I think he’s seeing, and I don’t want to…intrude.”

“Intrude?” Josh tilted his head. “If this new girl of his gets mad at you for just being his friend, he needs to tell her to fuck off. I would tell him that myself.”

“It’s a bit more complicated than that.”

Jake’s face was unreadable, something of concern and anger hiding behind his eyes.

“It’s like, we have something very special,” you continued. “Something that feels like more than friendship.”

“Twin flames!” Josh twisted two fingers together.

“Whatever that means, probably, I don’t know.”

“Don’t let him get spiritual about it,” Jake joked, shaking his head at Josh.

“Everything just feels weird between us now. And I don’t know how to fix it,” you said with a sigh.

“Maybe just talk to him.” Jake didn’t look at you when he spoke, his eyes fixed on the TV. “If you think you’re intruding on a new relationship, tell him that. He’ll tell you whether or not that’s true.”

“And I don’t think he would have seemed so sad that you’ve been avoiding him if he didn’t still want you around,” Josh added.

“I guess you’re both right. It’s just…what do I even say?”

“Speak from the heart,” Josh said, leaning towards you. “Just say whatever you need to say.”

“I’ll try, I suppose.” As much as you hated it, they were right. You’d been working so hard to run from all of your feelings, you forgot there was a real person on the end of them. Though, in your blind, irrational rage directed at him, it was hard to find a way to approach it that didn’t involve saying something you'd regret.

Josh was first to change the subject, and conversation quickly evolved through many topics. You had a pleasant buzz going, and just for now, you were able to forget all that plagued your worried mind. The fire roared, the glow and warmth a feeling you'd long forgotten in your time away from home.

Jake told you all about the strides he’d taken with getting the band off the ground, boasting about how Josh was the greatest singer they could possibly ask for. Josh had laughed at that, saying he still had a long way to go. The dynamic of the twins was something special, something you could watch for ages. At times, conversation would slow, the two of them only communicating through whatever kind of telepathy they shared.

It was nice to finally feel like you had people to turn to. You hadn’t realized how much you missed this – aimless conversation between friends. You were able to say anything in this space and you were accepted with open hearts and helpful hands. There was something so good about them, and not just the twins, the entire family. It was so right, like you’d always known them, and were just waiting to meet them your entire life.

The fire began to die, and the hour grew late. Josh looked tired, and excused himself to bed, apologizing profusely for “being such a terrible host, having to leave you.” You laughed his worries away, telling him he was always the greatest host you could ask for. Only you and Jake remained in the living room, alone with the last embers of the fire.

“Just us now.” He turned his eyes to you, a smile playing on the corners of his lips.

You suddenly felt nervous, like you needed to perform, like something was expected of you to keep him entertained.

“You wanna go for a drive?” He asked.

“To where?”

He tilted his head at you. “I know a spot.”

Oh. Your mouth opened in anticipation of words, then closed again, and you couldn’t look him in the eyes. “A spot for what?” You played dumb.

“Oh, did you want me to seduce you?” He stood, walking over to you, hands in his pockets. He stood far too close, and you had to crane your neck up to look at him. “I don’t think it’s necessary, given the way you’ve been looking at me.” He extended a hand towards you. “Come.”

You took his hand and he lifted you from the chair into his arms, your body pressed against him. God, that scent was intoxicating. Trained so perfectly to think of him, to think of the night you’d shared together not all too long ago, every time you got even the slightest hint of it.

His calloused fingers grasped your jaw, gently, tilting your face to his. It only took three words. “You want it?”

“Yes,” you breathed. He’d taught you well that first night, and you knew anything other than words would not be accepted.

The air tonight was unusually warm as he pulled you along to his car, a blessing and a curse from the Earth for what you were about to do. He barely glanced at you as you fell into the passenger seat, speeding away the second you fastened your seatbelt.

“You seemed rather eager to come over tonight. He’s really got you all twisted up, doesn't he?” He asked.

“I’m fine. I just wanted to see you, that’s all.” It was only half of a lie. You wanted to see him, of course, he was your friend now after all. But that wasn’t the only thing you wanted from him.

And he knew that. “There it is again. That's all.” He turned his eyes to you, an eyebrow raised.

“Well…” you couldn’t return his gaze. “Where are we going?” You were heading in the opposite direction of the dorms.

“Taking us somewhere nice and quiet.”

He pulled the car up to a quiet pull-off area on the side of an old road. It was one of those parking lots designed to draw tourism, long ago, before the freeway drew traffic away from this part of town. It was silent here, not another car to be seen, and you were hidden from the main road.

“Listen.” He threw the car in park and took his seat belt off, draping an arm over the back of your seat. “I’m not going to play a part in your revenge scheme.”

You stared at him, stupefied, but you weren’t about to play dumb with him. He could read your every thought, your every intention. There was no point in trying to avoid this. “There is no revenge scheme,” you said, simply.

“Don’t try to act stupid with me, angel. You’re smarter than that.”

“This isn’t about him.”

“Is that really true?” He placed a hand on your shoulder, slowly snaking it up to grip the back of your neck. “You really just want me?”

You held onto his forearm, feeling the muscles twitch with every beat of his heart. “It might look bad from your perspective, I know that. But…” you drew a shaky breath, your thighs squeezing together a bit tighter.

“But what?”

“But I knew I wanted you. From the moment I saw you.”

The tension snapped. He leaned his seat back and pushed it as far back as it would go in one quick movement, something that seemed practiced. He practically dragged you across the center console and into his lap, his teeth latching onto your neck. You both moved in a frenzy, his fingers shaking a bit with anticipation as they plunged beneath the hem of your pants.

“Please,” you whined as he dragged a finger across your panties.

“You beg so much, angel. I’ll give it to you, don’t worry.”

You gripped at his shoulders when he slipped past your panties, rubbing a few quick circles against your clit before sinking a finger into you. You were already soaked, you had been all day, your mind constantly replaying how well he’d fucked you since that night.

You searched in the dark for him, trailing your hands across his chest and down between your bodies until you found what you were looking for. You wrapped your palm around his cock through the fabric of his jeans, soliciting a soft groan from him.

“Needy tonight?” He asked with a smile. “Did I get you all worked up?

“You tend to do that.”

“Fuck.” He found that perfect spot inside you, dragging his fingers across it with precision, like he already knew all the twists and turns of your body flawlessly. With every gasp, every moan that fell from your lips, you felt his chest tighten in sync with you.

You let out a pathetic whimper, trying to undo the button on his jeans but finding no purchase at the awkward angle at which you were pressed against him.

“You want to touch it, angel?” Always so unbearably cocky.

He released his grip on your back and pushed you away a bit, his fingers still working you over. The new angle made you gasp, your hips rocking involuntarily against his palm.

Fingers trembling, you fumbled with the button on his jeans until you could finally pull the zipper down, and you hesitated. In all the frenzy of the other night, you realized you'd never actually seen his cock. Your eyes traced the outline straining against his pants. But you could wait no longer, and finished the job, finally wrapping your fingers around him and pulling it out.

No wonder you'd been sore, and no wonder he radiated confidence. The perfect length, and thick, heavy in your hand. You squeezed a bit harder than you meant to when his thumb found your clit, making his head fall back against the seat with a groan.

You couldn’t take your eyes off him, watching intently as a bead of wetness rolled down the tip. Your mouth started to water at the sight of it. That would have to wait for a different time, though.

“You’ve been thinking about it a lot, haven't you?”

Your eyes met his, your free hand snaking up to grip the back of his neck, fingers tangling in his hair. His lips were parted a bit, giving you a fine view of those perfect teeth, his mouth turned up in a smug smile. “How could I not think about you? I could barely walk the next day–” you were cut off by a gasping moan with one particularly cruel thrust of his fingers.

“Didn’t get enough the first time?”

“Nowhere near enough.”

Things were a blur as he freed you of your pants, yanking them down under your knees, just enough that you could fully straddle his lap. He didn’t bother asking if you were ready – the way you were looking at him, fingers digging into his shoulders hard enough to bruise, was enough of a sign. He couldn’t be bothered to pull your panties off, too, instead simply pulling them to the side with one finger as he lined himself up with your entrance.

You were mesmerized as he mimicked the same expressions he’d done the first time. Head tilted a bit, watching as you sank down onto him. His fingers gripped at the flesh of your thighs, one hand sliding around to swiftly crack across your ass. It caught you by surprise, making you let out a shocked whimper as you buried your face into his shoulder.

He let out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a groan. “God, you just tightened up like crazy. Did you like that?”

You nodded once, a quick gesture against his body. Nobody had ever done that to you before.

“More, please,” you whined.

He rocked against you, lifting your hips just a bit with each movement so that he could thrust up into you. The angle was perfect, every little movement he made resonated through your entire body.

Another blow landed square in the same spot as the last one, and all thoughts left your mind with the impact.

“You love that, huh?” He breathed.

He moved at just the right tempo, angling himself so your clit was pressed snug against his body. This angle made you feel so full, like he was taking up every inch of extra space in your body.

He really did have you worked up, your body already starting to tighten that familiar coil deep in your core. Your moans got quieter, replaced by gasping breaths as you tried to calm yourself down from a peak you were approaching far too quickly.

“Feels like you're gonna cum, angel.” He gripped your jaw with one hand, the other pushing your hips down to slow your pace. “Without permission?”

“You’re really gonna make me ask?” You whined, rocking your hips, trying to chase the sensation that was slipping away.

“Yes I am.” Judging by the way he was struggling to keep an even tempo, he was slowing down for his own benefit, too.

“I– please, Jakey–”

“Oh, so I’m Jakey now? Trying to be all sweet?” He smiled, a sinister smirk of perfect teeth. “I’m not sir anymore?”

“Which one do you prefer, sir?”

“Fuck,” he groaned, jerking himself up into you a bit harder. “Call me whatever you want, angel. They’re both my names, to you at least.”

He resumed a pace that made tears spring to the corners of your eyes, a gut-wrenching fullness encompassing you as every one of your senses abandoned you. You were almost instantly thrust back to the edge.

He got there a moment before you, and the sight of it was something to behold. The way his jaw fell slack, his eyes widening a bit before narrowing into what almost looked like a scowl. That familiar feeling washed over you as you felt him twitching and straining inside you, groans falling from both your lips as you came together.

You sat in the same position for a while, your head resting on his shoulder, both of you fighting to catch your breath.

“You alright?” He breathed against your ear.

“More than alright.”

“Better than the last time?” You could hear the smile in his voice.

“I thought you were going to break me in half for a minute there.”

You felt the soft rise and fall of his chest as he laughed. “Almost did, I think.”

He slipped out of you, pulling your panties back into place and yanking your pants back up.

“Wait, I didn’t even–”

“Keep it there.” He guided you back into the passenger seat where you hiked the hem of your pants back up to normal, looking at him like he was insane.

You stared at him, dumbfounded, your head cocked to the side in confusion. “Why? That's so–”

“Endorphins. I won’t elaborate.”

You crossed your legs, and gave him a slight shrug. “You’re rather cryptic. Why is that?”

“The girls love it.”

You barely had time to stop your head from spinning before he was speeding back down the way you'd came. He seemed to know this route well. How many other girls had seen this exact view from his passenger seat?

“When you talk to him,” Jake began, sliding his hands over the steering wheel. “Will you tell him about this?” He motioned between the two of you.

“I…don't know, honestly.”

“Do you think you should?”

“I don’t think it’s any of his business.”

Jake shifted a bit, his eyes glancing over to you. “I think it is, though.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, he…” Jake sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong.”

There was subtext here, something that was clearly flying right over your head. If you’d only reach just a bit to grab it, it would come to you naturally. But you weren’t sure you wanted to connect whatever dots Jake was laying out for you. “I don’t want to treat you like a dirty little secret of mine, but your brother doesn’t necessarily have to know that we’re fucking.”

“My brother who routinely tells everyone about how you shine brighter than the sun.”

“Doesn’t matter. He’s got someone else, and I’ve got you.” The words left a burning sting in your mouth as they crossed the threshold of your lips. And the two of you didn’t say much else for the remainder of the drive.

“Take care of yourself,” he told you when he pulled up to the dorm building.

You sat there for a moment, your eyes fixed on him. His hair was disheveled, and your fingers ached with the need to reach out and fix it, if only to touch him once again. He was truly magnetic, an irresistible force. Like he was the moon, you were a ship on the tide, you could not fight against his gravity.

“Do I have something on my face?” He asked, with a slight smirk.

“No. Sorry. I just–” you couldn’t resist. You reached out and combed your fingers through his hair gently. It had a bit of curl to it, dampened by sweat and the humidity of the car. “I just needed to fix that.”

“Thanks.” He brushed a finger over your nose, smiling at you. “Go get some sleep, angel. It’s late.”

You nodded at him, and hoisted yourself out of the car on wobbly legs, nearly collapsing back into the seat the first time you tried to stand up. You could hear Jake fighting to hold back a laugh at your struggle.

“Shut up or I’ll never come over again,” you laughed, your heart dropping at the way he immediately covered his mouth and the laughs stopped. So, it really was that serious to him.

“Take it easy,” he called out the window as you shuffled up to the front doors.

[drooperz]

Night out

I love this picture so much ><

Summary: After your friends abandon plans Ringo spots you and wants to spend the evening with you!

Ringo Starr x reader :P hurt/comfort but overall fluff

You often came down to the pub whenever your friends offered to meet up, it was a good place to chat and relax about things over a drink. Many memories of laughing and gossiping and getting a little too drunk some nights rushed to mind when you opened the front door. The place was a bit more busy than it usually was and you felt a little anxious when you didn't spot your friends on any table.

Hopefully they turn up soon.

You found an empty table and brushed the crumbs off the seat before settling.

The radio gently drifted over all the chatter of the room and the noise seemed to put you at ease, tender tunes soothing your worries.

As you sat waiting at a table you stared off into the distance, your mind went blank as you started to count the minutes...

5 minutes turned to 10 minutes and then 10 to 20...

As you waited, you noticed people coming and going out of the pub and the evening got darker.

You were sure your friends had forgotten about this meetup. No, surely not... Right?

You rested your head in your hands and sighed, thinking if you should just go home and wallow in the fact that you could have been forgotten or stay a little longer.

But, you decided to stay for a few more minutes, hoping they'll pop through the door and get to talking. Explaining how they'd been held back in traffic or some other explanation as to why they're so late.

Your mind went blank, again. A thick haze of thoughts and reasonings your friends could be late, retreating more and more inwards as you dwelled on them more.

"You alright luv?" A voice called.

You looked up at the figure in front of you, watching his slightly concerned face.

"Oh- uhh, yeah I'm fine." You gave a little smile to reasure the stranger. You rubbed your eye, feeling tired and let down.

"You sure? I've seen you waiting here for about a half hour..." he retorted, sounding sorry as his expression softened.

Your eyes felt heavy and sore, you sighed, "I uhh, I just thought I was gonna meet up with friends but..." you looked up at him and raised your hands up on either side before resting them on your lap, "I dont know where they are. Or I'm in the wrong pub!" I tried to chuckle, make light of it. I wasn't going to hold it against them but I still felt dejected.

He pulled out a hard wood chair next to me and sat down, "Could I spend the evening with you then luv? " I could see the features on his face better now, I didn't notice how blue his eyes were until he sat face to face with me, "A birdy like you should have a nice evening." He smiled and chucked slightly as he spoke, it made you feel warm.

Your face flushed, "You sure?" You asked, "I dont want to intrude on anything-"

"Believe me, it's fine." The stranger spoke gently, "I came looking for a good chat!" He was lively and his energy consoled you.

"Oh, I'm Richard by the way," he held out one of his hands and you noticed the rings on his last two fingers, "but all me mates call me Ringo." He chucked at himself again and you shook his hand, "y/n," you replied and smiled at him, "do you come to this pub often then?"

"Mostly on weekends but other than that every other day! When do you usually come here?" He leaned forward towards you and his wilting sky blue eyes waited for an answer. Before answering, you admired him, only for a split second; the curve of his lips, his long lashes and soft features made him look so charming.

In a flash you felt yourself get flustered at his handsome-ness. Dont be weird! You thought, you've got to think of an answer!

"Erm, well... I dont usually come on my own. But, I usually come down on weekends too, when me and my friends are off." You fiddled with your fingers, feeling your palms get sweaty. Be brave, be brave! "Even though my friends didn't show, I'm glad I'm talking with someone."

"Don't worry yourself doll," Richard stated, "I've had this happen and the best thing to do is not dwell on it!" He smiled again and it reassured you that what he said was true. This moment was surely just a blip in the grand scheme of many nights out you thought.

As the evening went on you both went back and fourth about questions and interests. You had learned that he plays the drums in a band that often played in another pub not far from this one.

You both shared a common interest in music and asked about if he had done any songs himself, to which he replied, 'I dont have anything solid, yet.' Sometimes he would ramble a little, then apologise but you didn't mind. You found him endearing and you liked hearing him talk and the more he talked the more you found yourself liking his company.

At one point he held your hand whilst he was talking about something and your mind completely zoned out, only focusing on his thumb gently running over the ridges of your fingers. He teased you when he saw how red your face was, according to him you were 'a kin to a tomato'. You felt so embarrassed that after Richard let go of your hand you rubbed and cupped your face hoping the blush would go away but he laughed again and called you cute, you hated how he already had this effect on you.

You cursed yourself for how easily he was swooning you with his sweet face and funny attitude and perfect eyes and cute nose and... and... ohhh no... you were in deep... he was already all you could think about this evening!

"Oh my goodness what is the time?" Richard exclaimed, snapping you out of your thoughts about him. He looked past you and presumably out of a window.

The evening turned to night and the outside world was dark, streetlamps illuminated the road with a warm hue. There were only a handful of people within the pub at that moment, it was very quiet. The radio being turned off didn't help with the stiffness of the atmosphere surrounding the pub but you two were happy with whatever you had going on.

"Can I walk you home?" He asked, already getting up out of his chair looking down at you for an answer.

"Would that be okay?" You answered, you couldn't really walk out in the pitch blackness on your own and at this point you just wanted to spend time with Richard.

"Of course love!" He extended a hand and you took it, happily going with a man you just met that night.

He opened the door for you and you thanked him as you both practically skipped out of the pub.

"My house isn't far from here, so I hopefully wont tire your legs." You giggled, smiling his way.

"Dont worry about me legs love," he huffed, "I wanna make sure I see you home safe."

"Thank you Richard." You really appreciated his kindness and couldn't be more thankful for meeting him.

The walk home was slightly misty and quiet, distant dog barks could be heard from time to time and the street laps hummed slightly as you both walked under them.

"I was just wondering," Richard stated, "I'm playing at a pub next week and would you like to see me and me mates play?" He asked before adding to the statement again, "Not in like, an egotistical way but like-" he cut himself off and laughed at his explanation.

"No I'd love to hear you play!" You exclaimed, you hoped he noticed how enthusiastic you were about wanting to hear him in his element.

"I'll save you front row seats!" He rubbed his hands together excitedly and you chuckled at him.

You recognised your neighbours houses, "Not far now," and soon enough, through the puddles and lamp light you were infront of your house. Tired but happy to be so near a bed as soon as I unlock the door...

You smiled again, "thank you again Richard."

"Its the least I coul do." He looked at you kindly and sweetly.

You looked down, a little nervous about how you should go about saying goodbye.

Caught up in the moment, you leaned in and cautiously you placed a delicate kiss on his cheeck.

Backing away, you already missed the feeling of Richard's warmth.

His hand gently moved to graze the area you kissed and after his shocked expression faded he smiled lightly to himself.

"Consider that a promise that I will, in fact, see you play next week!"

He looked at you, "you're a right charmer you know that?" You giggled at what he had to say.

It was late and even thought talking to Richard was the best thing to do, your bed was calling and you still wanted to make a good impression.

"I'm looking forward to seeing you play, I'll see you then-" you were about to unlock the door until he said something...

"Wait, theres something else I need to give you." He looked like he was thinking about something.

"Yeah, what is it. What's up?"

In a second he leaned forward and your mind raced, unsure of what he was doing, until one of his hands held your shoulder ever so tenderly and he kissed the corner of your lips.

The feeling was brief and chaste.

It still made you feel giddy with butterflies.

As Richard broke contact he placed both his of hands on either side of your cheecks, rubbing his thumbs on your reddening skin. You looked at him and he was beaming back at you.

"I, in fact, hope to see you there."

~

Author's note: this is my first ff on tumblr! I hope you liked it :^)

[wannaeatramyeon]

Goo Kim x Reader: colleagues to lovers

You were surprised when Gun approaches you to replace him. But you owe him a favour and couldn't say no. He warns you about your partner though "annoying, abrasive idiot. You can't trust him" "Wow, does this guy have any redeeming qualities?" Gun ponders for a moment, "He can fight"

You meet Goo, and maybe Gun wasn't too far off with his harsh judgement. Goo is full of slippery smiles, casual touches and honeyed words "oh you seem like an upgrade from Gun!" "Sweetheart dont show me up too much ok" but you can see in his eyes that he doesn't like you

Shit he can fight though

After a particularly chaotic and tiring day, you both sit in his car for a moment of reprieve before heading back to Seoul. You didn't know what you expected when Gun first approached you but it sure wasn't this. "I fucking hate Gun" you mutter. Goo looks over to you in surprise. "I thought you were friends?" "Definitely not." He gives you another one of his sly grins and says "I hate that bastard too"

That seems to break the dam and the tension and things become a little easier. Only a little though because things can never be too easy with Goo Kim

The weeks and months working together means you start picking up on each other habits, likes and dislikes. You know Goo is precious about his car, so you always arrange for it to be cleaned after a trip. Goo notices that you tend to be hungry after a fight, he makes sure to head to the nearest food place or god knows you'll be grouchy for the journey back

Your business takes you far and wide. You end up in restaurants, boats, karoke, bathhouses with this guy. But he used to do it with Gun too. It's just business

The workdays and worknights become hanging out on your days off too. It's not easy to make friends in your field and it's not everyday you meet someone that knows what it's like to live in your world

You're hanging out with him one night in his apartment, playing cards when his phone starts to buzz. He picks it up and says a few words in that chirpy tone of his. When he finishes, he's uncharacteristically somber

"You ok?" "Charles Choi and Tom Lee wants to see me" "...Will you be ok on your own" "Don't underestimate me sweetheart"

He gets up with a sigh, tells you that he needs to leave right now and to just remember to lock up on your way out

You should really leave but Goo's tone and history with Tom makes you anxious. You want to make sure he's ok but following him would be overstepping and if he's dead... Well you'll be finding out about it too late

You wait for hours in his apartment until you hear the front door click. "Goo?" you run out and see him letting himself in. He looks exhausted but all in one piece. "Are you ok? I was worried"

You weren't too sure how he would react to you still being in his apartment but your presence seems to have caught him offguard "You waited here for me?" and you nod. He gives you a fond look

"Princess you shouldn't worry about me... Do you know what that does to me? I might catch feelings" You could read him by now. Goo says it jokingly, but his eyes avoid yours. His face is a bit too tense, and he's holding his body too rigid for his words to be anything but casual

You take a step towards him. "You shouldn't make me worry about you. I might catch feelings too"

He finally closes the distance, and press his lips to yours

[minnieposting]

i want to talk about robins trailer again!

following up from this post + a cool thread i saw earlier compiling lots of details i didn't notice in the trailer! (and the morse code post)

mostly really interested in the fact that this whole thing is filmed and directed by sunday

(sc from twt thread)

i said earlier that robin must feel like she doesn't want to let down both sunday and the family, both as his sister and the "pride of the family". but this clearly shows that he's the one pulling the strings, or at least one of them.

(as i type this out, i realize the usage of "pulling the strings" could relate back to the imagery of puppets we've been seeing. they are present in robin's trailer and also seen in the 2.2 penacony trailer)

(and of course, another puppet on strings...)

not sure where i'm going with this because tbh i got side tracked because i had the realization while writing. just some cool consistent puppet imagery, obviously symbolic, just don't feel like thinking about this rn lol

ANYWAY, my original train of thought was going towards sunday being a huge pressure on her, whether intentionally or not, he's clearly got his own shit going on... but i also feel like this gives new meaning to something else i pointed out a bit ago (post)

sunday is always right behind robin! she's always in the spotlight while he looms in the shadows. another thing tho, the same person who posted that twt thread i linked to pointed out that our bird friend is seen in the corner watching robin perform (x)

in the upper right corner!

(though, ive seen speculation that the bird is not sunday's but the dreammaster's! either way, sunday is still the most involved with her in the context of my post...)

now, going back to what i really want to talk about in the first place - director sunday. i do think this is more symbolic than anything, and coming from robin's perspective as this is her trailer.

sunday is a perfectionist obsesed with control and robin's public image may not be spared from that. she may feel that sunday is essentially breathing down her neck, whether or not sunday is aware he's making her feel like this. i've always thought that sunday's perfectionism and his obsessiveness have bled into his love for his sister and their relationship as a whole. again, she clearly does not want to let him down specifically, especially when they're supposedly working towards a childhood dream.

it's just! this whole thing about freedom, or the lack of it. robin is a caged bird and that's become explicit in her trailer. who knows wtf sunday's deal is, but he's also clearly under SO much pressure, he's the head of the oak family and ALSO needs to be nothing less than perfect. dude had a whole speech about it. i also imagine they both don't talk about any negative feelings related to this, maybe even wanting to keep up appearances around each other too.

i feel like i dont have anything else to say. i just mainly wanted to talk about some observations and stuff. i am very much looking forward to 2.2 coming out later, im SO excited to dig into sunday because he is the most intriguing and mysterious to me. their relationship is just so so so interesting, im so excited to see it in all of its glory later.

and mandatory note bc i am an anxious person, i do a lot of talking out of my ass and this is just exactly that.

(uh i scrolled up to read this post over and saw i linked back to a morse code post and didn't talk about that at all. well there's SOS morse code in robins trailer! that's fucked up! what else can i say)

[yynumaki]

hey, im new to tumblr and i didn't that there was a request section on a persons profile so i commented a request, sorry about that lol. but maybe aidan gallagher x reader where they have anxiety and really dont like loud rooms/too many people and one day the two are on a date and she asks to go outside bc its to loud and they go outside where she starts crying and apologizing for always being so antisocial? really just fluff and socially anxious reader? you dont have to if you dont want to, thanks! :)

A/N:Thanks for the req, sorry if I cant meet your expectations, I'm pretty busy lately but hope you enjoy. Also welcome to tumblr 🥳

Everything was supposed to be perfect.

Aidan asked you out on a date on the new restaurant that just opened up a few weeks ago; Apparently its already getting hundreds of amazing reviews by the second, so he decided to get a table reserved there for the both of you to celebrate your 3rd year anniversary.

You've picked out the perfect dress, the perfect shoes, and you woke up with glowing skin which just added the cheery on top.

Though the only problem was, you didn't think there'd be this much people here.

You felt like everyone was staring at you, that everyone was judging you, but in reality they were all just minding their own business.

You were punching yourself because you were feeling it all over again, the sweatiness, the shaking, the heavy breathing. You felt spiralled.

“Hey..” Aidan asked calmly, “Are you feeling ok love?”

“Yeah—” you said in a hush tone.

Before he could even say another word you felt the room and everyone's eyes closing in on you.

“Sorry” you whispered before rushing out

Aidan spared no second thought and rushed out to catch you. When he exited the restaurant, he saw you walking away quickly while holding your arms shakily as you cried, he caught up to you fairly fast.

“Y/n” he yelled, loud enough for you to hear but not so loud that he'd get the attention of others.

You faced him, lips shaking, your cheeks soaked with tears, and your mascara smudged.

He gently held your arms as his eyes was filled with worry.

“What happened?” he asked,

“Im sorry—” you said as tears were starting to brim your eyes once more, “Im so sorry, I'm so sorry....” you continued as he hugged you.

“It was all supposed to be perfect” you held him tighter, gripping his waist to hold him closer.

“Its not tour fault sweetheart ” he hushed, lightly pulling away from your hug to wipe your stained cheeks, “Your anxiety just got the best of you, but its not your fault, I should've booked a restaurant that had kore privacy ” he sighed.

“No Aidan” you responded, “You were so thoughtful for what you did, its just that I wish I didn't have this mental stuff” you sniffed, “It keeps ruining things”

“Dont blame yourself” he quickly responded in a serious yet calm manner, “Never blame yourself, you hear me?”

You nodded as he kissed your forehead and walked you to your car.

The same night, you went back home to your shared apartment.

While Aidan was dressing out of his suit, you thought that you could atleast make it up to him by having a dinner date at home, so while he was in the shower, you decided to bake his favourite meal and dessert.

He always showered for atleast an hour so that gave you enough time to finish mid way through so he couldn't just ask you to stop and go to bed with him.

When he went downstairs, he was greeted with a stench that made his stomach grumble.

“Whats all this?” he smiled as he walked to hug you from behind.

“Dinner" you responded sweetly, “Im going to make it up to you you know” you said declaratively.

“You dont need to make up for anything sweetheart” he kissed your cheek, “Having you is all that I need”

“So you want me to stop cooking?”

“Now I didn't say that” he laughed,

“Your so cheesy Mr.Gallagher” you joked,

“Only for you Mrs.Gallagher”

“Were not married love”

"Not yet"

[headkiss]

a little on-brand seasonal idea? eddie and a scared reader going to a haunted house, eddies all like “i’ll protect you dont you worry” but then you get separated or something & he finds you crying/upset/anxious. proceeds to be the angel he is & comforts you

hiiii i hope u like it! ty for requesting :)) | 0.8k words, scared reader, sweet sweet eddie

Eddie loves Halloween. It’s his favorite holiday.

This meant that he would drag you along to every single Halloween activity he could think of. You’d complain, but really you were happy that you’re the person he thought of to do this stuff with.

When it comes to movies, you’re usually okay, only hiding in Eddie’s neck or shoulder at the super graphic or scary stuff. In real life, however, you were scared of so much.

Spiders and snakes and every cliche fear, really. Eddie didn’t mind, though, because he liked to protect you. He likes to be the one you yelled for to kill a bug, to call when you were nervous alone at night. It made him feel helpful, needed.

He had to do a lot of convincing to get you to go to the haunted house with him. You hated the jump scares, the masks people wore. But you liked to make him happy and so, you eventually agreed.

He beamed at you, promised not to let go of your hand for a second.

That brought you to where you were now, sitting in Eddie’s van that was parked outside a haunted house he saw in the paper. He was excited, practically bouncing on his feet. You, on the other hand, were a ball of nerves.

When you’re walking towards the entrance and your steps slow, he slings an arm over your shoulders, urging you to walk with him.

“Don’t you worry, baby. I’ll protect you.”

“I know. Just scared.”

“That’s the point!” He’s being overly positive to try and make you feel better. It’s kind of working. “C’mon, it’ll be fun.”

You can't imagine describing this as fun, but you walk inside with him anyways.

He makes good on his promise to hold your hand, he doesn’t let go at all. He even takes his free one to give you brief hugs after each scare. You certainly aren’t having fun and you feel awful about it, but he does help you feel safer.

It’s not until the very last jump scare that the experience is completely ruined.

You could see the exit, and by mistake, you let your guard down, stopped clinging onto Eddie’s arm the way you had been for the majority of the haunted house. Then, some sort of thing jumps out at you while fake spiders drop from the ceiling, thin strings holding them just above your heads.

You actually scream this time, not just a squeal or a scared gasp. A full on scream. You get so scared your eyes fill with tears.

As soon as Eddie hears that scream he knows to get you out of there so he squeezes your hand tight and pulls you until you’re outside. He doesn’t stop until you’re by his van again, away from other people.

“Shhh. Baby, you’re okay,” he holds your face in his hands, wiping away your tears with his thumbs while you lean against the side of the car.

“Sorry,” you sniff, more tears fall. “I didn’t make that fun.”

“Stop it,” he kisses your forehead. “This is on me, ‘kay? Should’ve known you wouldn’t like it.”

He feels horrible. The last thing he wanted to do was make you cry. He thought that maybe going through the haunted house would ease your fears a little but he’s made them worse.

Realistically, he’s not responsible. He couldn’t have known about the last scare, but he feels terrible anyways.

“Promised to protect you and look what happened,” he says.

“It’s okay, Eddie,” you’ve calmed down some, your eyes still shiny but no more tears have fallen. Your eyes are slightly puffy, you have tear tracks in your makeup. “Not your fault I’m so scared.”

“Baby. I’m still sorry. Still love me?”

“Like I could ever stop.”

It’s true, you don’t think anything could take the love you have for this boy away. He’s so caring, so soft with you and it shows. His rings cool against your cheeks but his gaze is warm. He hasn’t taken his hands off of you, and you reach up to grasp his wrists, give them a squeeze. A reassurance.

“Yeah?” He smiles, “I love you, fears and all. How ‘bout we go home and you can pick a movie.”

“Not a scary one.”

“No, not a scary one. Whatever you like. And I’ll cuddle you real good. Squeeze that stupid haunted house memory right out of you.”

He draws a smile from you with his words. You don’t know how you got lucky enough to deserve someone like him. Someone who stays good when he’s faced so much negativity, someone who loves so completely that you feel it every second of every day.

“Sound like a plan, baby?”

You nod, he kisses you, and he takes you home.

[itgomyway]

I've been into Non-Dualism for a while now, though not extensively. Previously, I was deeply involved in the Law of Assumption community. Then, I stumbled upon ND. It felt like a breath of fresh air, so liberating. I've consumed all sorts of ND content, from every nook and cranny of the internet. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster, this journey of slowly "detaching from ego".

Recently, something happened that sent me on a over-consumption, while trying to convince myself that "hey, it's okay". Honestly, I'm tired of reading without a clear sense of what steps to take. I've tried all sorts of techniques to loosen the grip of ego, but my mind keeps circling back to these issues, almost like they're haunting me. I get it, it's ego at play, but the anxiety attacks still hit hard.

I hope I'm not coming across as too demanding, I'm just genuinely seeking guidance in the best way possible. What more can I do?

There's so much conflicting advice out there. Some say understanding isn't crucial, it's just the ego making a fuss. Others suggest a slow process of self-inquiry, questioning what the ego is asserting and coming back to our core. It's left me feeling a bit bewildered and frankly, drained. I'm at a loss, just wanting a reset that brings some peace.

I get that Non-Dualism is supposed to be about simplicity and shouldn't bring about these feelings. But right now, I feel like I've got a full plate. My mom's financial situation hasn't been great, and I'm really anxious about her having to bear too much of a burden. Letting go of the desire to change my current circumstances is terrifying. What if letting go only means things stay the same or get worse? The pressure to make a change feels like it's closing in.

When people say "let it be" or advise to step back from actively trying to fix things, I'm left scratching my head. How do you navigate challenges by just letting them be? I feel defeated and just want to feel free. I'm scared about what the end of the week, or worse, the end of the month, might look like if I'm still stuck in this uncertainty. I've got a decent grasp of these concepts on an intellectual level, but when the day passes and I whisper "I AM" to myself, I struggle to truly feel it. It's like I'm held back by the limitations of this physical form.

I'm on the edge of giving up on chasing after achievements. Ego sometimes feels like this looming, scary presence. What I really want is to shed all of this weight, be kinder to myself, and find a path that leads to genuine freedom. What's the next step? What should I do? I want to stop trying, or figuring out.

Thanks a ton for taking the time to read this through. I've been following your blog and I really appreciate the kindness you bring to your community. Wishing you a great day ahead.

love im afraid in all of that reading, you missed the entire point. the point of non dualism is to free you from the human condition. you dont use non dualism to navigate the human condition it doesnt exist in the first place.

remember everything is you. you are consciousness. everything else is fake and its only the ego that deems it as real.

ignore it. its not real. who cares?

that’s how i live “life”. i dont confirm nor deny anything real or fake whenever circumstances arise cuz its ALL FAKE. the only existing thing is me. even when i think about “me” its not even “me” doing it. its the ego. the ego answers the question of who you are while you as CONSCIOUSNESS know what you are. the ego cant really grasp this so i don’t see a reason in trying to make it

i picture it as inner child = ego “grown up” = consciousness. the inner child is scared and confused. just wants to be safe and do any and everything to be safe, even if they think they know what theyre doing or that theyre in control. its not. its fake. be the adult in the situation and take control. understanding the ego is probably throwing a temper tantrum so let it cry itself to sleep. everything they thought that was soooo important they’ll forget when they wake up. so its not real anyway. you can relax you got this <3

[purgemarchlockdown]

Some days ago I made a Milgram OC for fun and now I have thought too hard about it...they're ten and I've made them parallel too hard with both Amane and Muu lol. Fucked up Children stay winning.

Little bits of on the spot writing under the cut because I love them and I keep on being anxious about writing them...they don't got a name cause...I'm bad at names. They will be referred to as 011 for my sake-

(CW: Uh...bad things are implied to happen to Child, self-hatred, implications of self-harm)

T1 Character Voice:

011: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry-

T1 VD:

011: I didn't mean for them to die! 011: I didn't know that was going to happen...I didn't....

Interrogation T1

Q4: What are you the most afraid of? 011: Sorry, but I don't think I can choose. There's just a lot.

Q6: If you had the chance, would you bring your victim back? 011: ...is it alright if I don't tell you?

Q9: Who do you like the most here? 011: I think Amane is a good person.

Q10: Who do you like the least? 011: No one! It's not nice to say that about someone!

Q15: If you could be anything what would you be? 011: Something that can be anything!

Q18: Favorite animal? 011: It feels wrong to choose but...I really really really like wolves! They're like dogs but even better! I have a whole book about them back home!

Q20: Do you think your a good person? 011: Sorry but I don't think I can give you a good answer...maybe ask someone else? They probably know better than me...

T2 Character Voice:

011: You should say sorry, Es. You really hurt them...

011: *heavy breathing* hgh...why...

T2 VD:

011: I'm sorry but I don't understand! I really don't understand! If we all did something bad then why are they the ones who get punished? I don't get it...I really don't get it.

011: I don't want to do this but if you don't stop...

Interrogation T2

Q1: How's everyone doing? 011: Not as good as I'd like.

Q3: Could you forgive Es? 011: Of course! It's wrong to not.

Q7: If you could do anything what would you do? 011: I'd make everyone happy!

Q10: Do you think you're victim deserved it? 011: ...Maybe. I think they should of stopped sooner

Q15: Do you like yourself? 011: I don't want to make you sad.

Q17: Do you have any friends? 011: A few, I don't know if they feel the same way though.

Interrogations are so fun to write I love doing that. I should give characters a list of 20 questions more often and I think about what they would say. 011's fucked up-ness isn't super evident here but I will say they did threaten Es with something they could Very Much Hurt and that in my head their T1 Inno T2 guilty.

It's so fun coming up with running themes...ten year old commits manslaughter and doesn't feel bad about it what do you do?

I dont know if they'll pop up again but I do got them in head.