#dont know how to truly connect to people. or be part of society in a way that benefits living. people dont seem to try

[autisticlee]

sometimes being autistic really separates me from other people. there's an invisible wall that separates me from people, society, the world. all those things can reach through the wall and slap me around, but it's one way. I can't reach them. and they never pat me on the head. nothing nice comes through. and I can't get out. I try to share good things. nothing gets through the wall. they see it as I purposely don't come out of the room i'm locked in. they think I act like i'm too good for them. they are offended and reach in to slap me. i'm desperately screaming and trying to reach out to them. trying to be part of things. but I can't. I can't connect with them. I can't be part of society. this wall isn't my doing, but they are making sure it stays up and making sure they only send negative signals through. know I can't stay behind this wall or I literally can't live. but also can't get out. i'm stuck and blamed for it. told i'm not trying and it's on purpose. i've been kicking and screaming at the wall my whole life and didn't make a dent. the lonliness and disconnection that can be felt when autistic is something nonautistic people will never feel or understand.

[doomed-era]

three. champion descendants to champions relationships. basically how do the descendants feel about the champions

OH...i haven't thought about this too much it should be interesting. hehe

yunobo first cause i thought of him first. he's a bit. intimidated? by daruk. while also feeling honored to have inherited his power. he's not super sure what he has to do with the grand scheme of things or whatever. he is just a guy. and he would like to stay just a guy tbh. so while he can respect what daruk did he doesn't really know what to do about his connection to daruk. the other champions he is Vaguely aware of but doesn't really know about other than they were also pilots and were from different races.

sidon well. uh. it's complicateddd. he wears mipha's earring as a little reminder of her tbh. he loves her a lot but yea he didn't feel like he knew her that well. that's why he's kind of stuck on her and honestly gaffen telling him about her made it Worse because he had to process this new information and analyze it to see if he could just get a scrap of what she was like. he's very upset with how the rest of the domain acts about her which also helps reinforce that sense of loss. he's learning though! slowly. it helps that he has friends. from what he remembers about the other champions...he thinks they were very brave. urbosa to him was really cool

riju! obviously she idolizes urbosa im pretty sure this is canon. however urbosa was also somewhat of a controversial leader at the time. and there are people who argue about her impact on gerudo society as a whole its very. interesting. especially her policies and stance on gerudo cultural identity. in general riju is aware of this and still admires what urbosa did while not wanting to repeat her mistakes if that makes sense? she admires her desire to unite with others, but wants to extend that towards other gerudo cities and settlements. i am going to think about how the gerudo like to memorialize their past leaders and what kinds of details they include or omit, but I think urbosa would feel larger than life, in a way, not personal, because she never got the chance to learn about her from stories told by her mother or grandmother. idk how this keeps happening. themes of not understanding who a person truly is abound !

teba is pretty funny tbh I dont really think his opinion of revali has changed much from fanon/aoc I Guess. you can tell i havent really thought about him much. sighs. I dont think the rito like to dwell on death or failure much. they're aware of revali as a part of history but its not nearly as much of a big deal as with other races. so teba would respect revali. but also, that's a kid is anyone like, looking after him???

[sequesteredschizo]

cw // suicidal ideation & self harm 

thought too much about where I should post these words @ and where to do it if I did

Decided on here, both to challenge myself to be honest about how I'm doing and as a small private testament to myself, esp considering I can't guarantee I'll remember any of this later if I don't 

A few months ago I decided I was supposed to kill myself on April 26th 2024. I think something about doing that nullified certain anxieties of mine at times, for better and for worse. I thought the worst thing I could do that would ruin everyone I cared about was already going to happen, so I was able to loosen my grip somewhat on the people-pleasing and the social anxiety and the agoraphobia- maybe a sort of subconscious 'if something doesn't change, i will be dying. So I might as well try while I'm still around.' I've been callous and I've been unstable, but I also took risks (or, actions I that felt like risks to me) that landed me with more life-affirming results than I could have ever anticipated.

I sent texts I thought were annoying and stupid to people I wished I talked to more, I tried to eat like a well-adjusted adult person, I was honest with my dad about how hellish my disability was making my life for the first time. Etc etc. Anything to connect, anything to survive. I didn't care anymore. it felt like the end of the world. To everyone else it probably seemed like I was finally re-entering society, if anyone thought much of it at all (unlikely, imo.) At one point, I hurt myself worse than I ever had before, and without really meaning to, haven't done it since. It feels now like a microcosm of the bigger picture, just by coincidence. Doing better wasn't necessarily my intention, but it was a consequence of thinking I was fucking it all up one last time. Might as well throw all the chips in.

Last weekend I attended a wedding out-of-state for a relative I hadn't seen in years knowing id meet countless new faces and I didn't even freak out. And I was terrified, and I didn't want to go there and I didn't want to stay here but I did it anyways. Turns out I don't think I've ever felt so loved and welcomed and appreciated in my life. The people I reached out to on a whim, because what was the worst that could happen? Some of them actually respond back, fucking shocker. My dad is trying to stop pretending I don't exist. I'm a little less malnourished. So those are all good developments.

I feel like I reached up into an empty sky with the very last dregs of energy I had and by some miracle, just enough of the universe reached back. I don't and didnt want to scar and endanger my struggling loved ones because I couldn't be strong enough to deal with myself. It had to be my last option, after truly trying everything I could. I didn't even do much, and I didn't expect it to work. I didn't expect my favorite band to be dropping new shit on my due date. I didn't know that I would really honestly from the bottom of my heart not want to leave this fucked up horrible beautiful tragic world behind. 

I know there's always going to be a part of me that expects me to commit. it's always been easier for me to hurt myself than help myself. I've written a lot of suicide notes throughout my life. This is the first time I've ever done the opposite, I guess? This is supposed to be my promise to me that I want to live. I need to. Its really hard to admit that to myself. I'm pretty sure I can do it tho.

I think (and almost hope) that the handful of you who follow this stupid little blog wont read this, but I posted it here because theres too many people everywhere else. It's directed at myself anyway.

a distant yell into a cacophonous void, in hopes that typing it will act as a metaphysical vehicle for manifesting it in the collective subconscious:

TRANS PEOPLE DONT KILL YOURSELF!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[blujaymi]

why are we calling him "adam"??

i dont even really go here so i don't know if this is canon or just popular fanon, but i've noticed that there seems to be a common consensus of naming the creature "adam". and honestly??

hot (or maybe not) take: giving the creature the name "adam" is actually kind of more disrespectful to him than calling him "the creature"

preface: this is not me saying "the creature is monster so he shouldn't have a human name!!!!". in fact, the creature is repeatedly shown to be painfully human in many ways, and that's a whole essay and half to ramble about.

i especially don't like the implication i sometimes see that the creature murdering people makes him less or not human when humans do it literally all the time. which is not to say murder is good, but to say that humans are flawed and can be just as "evil" if not more than how the creature is perceived. (i feel like that's an overarching theme presented in frankenstein in general but that's ALSO a whole other ramble. also sorry i do not have any page numbers or chapters for the quotes. i'm using the project gutenberg ebook and ctrl+f lol.)

ANYWAY, moving on now. thoughts under the cut because this ended up being way too long.

(tl;dr: i get why he could be called adam, but i feel like he himself would not take kindly to it and it is dismissive of his pain)

alright hear me out

i feel like calling the creature adam is kind of against everything about him. like, i see your "i ought to be thy adam". in isolation, it makes "adam" a perfect contender for the creature's name, even one he may choose himself. he says that he "ought to be", implying a sense of want (or maybe more of a sense of obligation).

but that's not the complete picture, because what does the creature say RIGHT AFTER that?

the creature continues, "but i am rather the fallen angel, whom thou drivest from joy for no misdeed".

well, then the implication becomes that he SHOULD HAVE BEEN adam, but he isn't (which now i am inclined to wonder if that is the idea behind the name. a sort of "what could've been" of the creature in a fanon sense. if this is the case then i can see it, but i'm mainly trying to focus on canon creature here.)

so, the creature does not feel any real connection to adam, which is even further emphasized when he recalls paradise lost. he may initially compare himself to adam: "like adam, i was created apparently united by no link to any other being in existence"; however, he once again follows it up with why he doesn't truly relate to adam: "but [adam's] state was far different from mine in ever other respect".

in fact (even if we just completely ignore the creature's mention of not feeling united to "ANY OTHER BEING IN EXISTENCE"), the creature more personally likens himself to satan, recalling, "many times i considered satan as the fitter emblem of my condition". i get the idea behind him initially comparing himself to adam, and him envying adam and all of that. but the point still stands that he really doesn't feel associated with adam from his own perspective.

which brings me to my next point.

i don't think it's necessarily disrespectful to call the creature "the creature", because he himself does not feel a connection to who was viewed as the perfect human and child of god. and in general, he doesn't feel any connection to humanity. it's why he wants victor to make him a companion. he is done with trying to fit in with humans because he tried so many times and it never worked. in his eyes, there was no hope left to try and become a part of human society.

in this lens, i feel like calling him adam sort of undermines all that the creature has been through because he's been perceived by others as inhuman. like sure, the creature may be in essence, a human. he was made of human parts, has deep and complex emotions and thought, yada yada (once again, not getting into it. beating a dead horse.) but the harsh reality is that none of that matters because no one actually perceives him as human. his appearance is regarded as inhuman (or at the very least, repulsive), and it's the reason for all the suffering he endures in his life.

should the creature feel any lesser than for his appearance? no, of course not. yet, he still does because he gets constantly emotionally and physically attacked for it. to me, calling him adam is a way of saying, "it's okay, you're still perfect no matter what". and yes, the creature should have had that kind of reassurance from someone before he went on a quest for revenge.

but he didn't.

and because of that, any sort of comforting implications of the name are just...gone. the creature doesn't relate to humans and human culture. he feels other, and it's valid considering all that he's been through. so, what would a name mean to him?

to me, naming himself adam would be him saying, "i'm human" when he doesn't feel that way at all. and to add "frankenstein" as his surname on top of that he most definitely would hate, i think. i understand the idea that he inherits victor's name because victor created him, but even if the creature did decide he was part of humanity and named himself "adam" i feel like he still wouldn't consider the surname "frankenstein". victor is a Deadbeat Dad (for lack of a better term). the creature shouldn't feel any obligation to tie himself to someone who wasn't there for him. and thinking about this from a real world perspective, neither should anyone who deals with absent or abusive family members, or for any reason feels disconnected from their family name. you're not REQUIRED to have a name connecting you to your family.

if the creature ever did name himself, i think it would be more suitable and meaningful that it's just...some random name that he comes up with. nothing connected to adam or satan. nothing connected to victor. just something completely unique and his own. i think it would give him a sense of personal identity, which i find much more humanizing than defaulting to "adam frankenstein" as his name (and to reiterate, this isn't to say i can't appreciate the idea. truly, i see the vision).

okay. im done now.

thank you to anyone who read this far because i did NOT mean to ramble for over 1k words

[meatriarchived]

𝐂𝐇𝐎𝐊𝐄 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐃. / just some small thoughts on danny's dire trajectories.

ive been trying the last some days to really piece together the idea of danny adopting aliases like maria or lee or connie in the dires and honestly? truly just don't think the guy has the mental really to get creative about it like them

esp w. the scenario of him knocking down luda & getting absolutely beat down over weeks for it?

Choke Chained & danny's lil like. crossover routes ( ie. him showing up in a nosy trajectory w. maria & lee ) really is more of a look into how someone functions when they've quite literally been broken. not damaged, not scared into submission, but pushed and beaten and ground into the dirt so badly, so prolonged, that its literally a death in its own right so to speak.

like, following that entire experience danny is still very much loyal and still warm to a point with the others if theyre there too ( ie. nosy ) but really do think how absolutely traumatic - not just mentally or emotionally but also just frankly physically too - how it must have been to literally be repeatedly thrown on the cusp of death over and over and over, how internally there was a sense of dread at the idea of recovering and coming out alive on the other end of the tunnel. how internally there was the fight of just letting yourself go vs i dont want to give any satisfaction in doing so - despite that theres still the satisfaction gained by completely destroying you instead from the outside in.

dragging my point back in re: aliases with danny,

guy really has no need for them ( 'aww but dont you wanna be creative and silly wi-' "no." fdsbhjk just deadpan like no need sorry not tryna be an ass but- ). there was never really a mark he'd left on society pre-house so who cares really if anyone could connect any dots? he may toss out a random name in passing but theres no personas to slip a mask on for, theres no intricate backstory really he pieces together for any or for himself. thats really not what his 'purpose', so to speak, is.

mentioned before but, dont pull danny out for hunts when you want to really toy around. you pull him out by choke chain to kill. he's not sitting in bars to really engage with targets like maria does. he's lurking silently around, watching carefully, keeping low profile and listening, observing. he waits for cues to move - be it maria or lee making eye contact with him, or them either doing the same to johnny and seeing him get up first.

he follows suit - he rarely exactly makes first move, in part to not cause any unnecessary attention, but also because his stupid, rage-blinded choices prior already drilled lesson deep into ribcage.

for how he works, its just an unneeded detail really. he just needs to know who to lock jaws on. anything else that may happen, people approaching him, flirting happens, whatever, then he'll roll with it but all the rest is glitter really. if you want someone dead, without complaint, without time wasted, then you pull him out.

[kpoptarotastrology009]

all anyones says its never too late but at some point it does become too late or fewer opportunities as we get older. it seems i have become so desenstised to modern day society that none of its interesting enough anymore.

i much wouldve preferred to have been of an older generation but no one seem to understand when i say there really nothing else someone my age can do and i dont want to be subjected to social media anymore but it seems every other person and their granny is an internet star of some type. im just quite over it. it seems harder to genuinely make connections last as well, again either ive been doing it wrong or i dont know what i can do anymore? either i have to care deeply abt it enough to want to do it which i dont know what i truly care about anymore. even digitalised entertainment is also taking a lot of fun and simplicity out of entertainment so i also dont know what im interested in. i feel like im just a useless blob that has no real skills since i cant go back in time and makeup for the situations i had to put up with. whats weird is these weird situations have also happened even as an adult. so no one else really gets what i mean bc they havent experienced anything like it themselves. the other part of me also feels older due to not really fitting in anywhere so i might as well have been from an older generation cause mine has sucked.

Maybe I don't know you but what you said really touched me and I got you're feeling like I'm feeling it right now , I can feel energies and I felt yours after reading this , please if you need someone to talk too about this situation I will be happy to hear you you can send me a message if you want too and you're comfortable with that I will try to help you as much as I can , but what I can tell you here is that you shouldn't stop believing in yourself. Never . Nothing matters not age not the generation not anything , you are the only person that matter , believe in yourself because of what you said I literally can't see that you don't believe in yourself because the moment you do everything will change you will see life in an other perspective , nothing is too late when you are still on this earth , nothing is impossible , when you put your heart , you're feeling and you work for it no matter you're age is you will achieve it , see the light in you , in every person there is a light , some people find that light in them and use it to shine and that's how they achieve anything they want , the moment you find the light within you and you work on it , nothing will stop you from being the best version of yourself ...

I don't know if my words may help but I'm always there for anyone who wants to talk about anything and I will do what I can do to help you , I'm sending you all the love whenever you're right now and whatever you're doing , please have a nice day and don't focus on the negative side always focus on the positive side of things , you only live once so live it with happiness ♥️♥️♥️

[animentality]

all i want is for someone to make me cry. 

[chasingfictions]

Ooh what about Tara for the character ask?

@dafttpunk @restlesshush this one's for u as well also i LOVE this energy truly i want loving tara to be more a part of my brand i love her she's my everything

favorite thing about them

hi hi hih hih hih hi hi hi ???? HI???? WE AS A SOCIETY do not discuss enough the way tara's backstory is Insane Actually. .... like i know i wrote 40k about this already (hehe) but im not done talking about this like,,, imagine being tara maclay and you are growing up in an abusive household where your mom is also being abused and youre told that the magic inside of you is evil and cursed and your mom is still teaching it to you and youre holding that dichotomy in your heart that this thing is demonic and also it's holy and it's what connects you to your mother and her mother and her mother .... and like thinking about tara's mother-daughter relationship and thinking about tara losing her mother at 17 and how that's still a whole year alone in that house where no one was on her side and the BRAVERY and COURAGE to leave home, the implication in "family" with "how did you find me" that tara literally ran away tara left behind everything she knew she literally did what her mother never could and left that household and left that town and the ?????? sakjklsdjasd???? and the WAY that tara's response to all of that suffering is to be so KIND like tara is so KIND and ACCEPTING the way she makes SPACE for people and is there for buffy when buffy can barely admit her affair with spike to herself and she goes to tara anyway the way tara is this mother figure to dawn who is this scared traumatized child the way tara is this person for willow who like! willow's WHOLE THING is self hatred and tara lets willow believe she is wonderful and just!!! THE WAY TARA IS SO GOOD AND LOVING AND GIVING AND MAKES SPACE FOR EVERYONE AND WE DONT TALK ABOUT HER ENOUGH I LOVE HER also the way she's a lesbian :))) what i love about tara btvs is that she's GAY and a WITCH and my BEST FRIEND

least favorite thing about them

the way ok i am Not on board with 's7 is bad' discourse like s7 is GOOD ACTUALLY it's GREAT ACTUALLY but the one place where s7 IS bad is that tara's not there. ... literally there is a tara-sized hole in the show WHERE IS SHE I MISS HER

favorite line

SHE PRACTICALLY HAD GENUINE MOLDED PLASTIC STAMPED ON HER ASS ....... JUST TRYING A LITTLE SPICY TALK

brOTP

TARA BUFFY BEST FRIENDS TARA BUFFY BEST FRIENDS TARA BUFFY BEST FRIENDS

OTP

LOOK ok i have complicated feelings about tillow which is namely that willow isnt good enough for tara..... after all the abuse tara suffered at the hands of her family and at glory, that willow's behavior in s6 breaks my heart a little and it's no coincidence that s6 tara is literally fucking thriving. ... the way s6 is everyone suffering and weeping and meanwhile tara is GLOWING and WINNING THAT BREAKUP

THAT SAID. like... tillow are meeting at literally age like?? 18? 19? theyre in their early 20s in s6?? and it makes sense that theyre not going to be in a place to have the world's healthiest relationship at that point and truly like,,, tara and willow as two girls who always felt WRONG and the way that relates to queerness and also to just being shy and socially inept and the way THEY FIND EACH OTHER. I GOT SO LOST. I FOUND YOU I WILL ALWAYS FIND YOU (just started crying hi i CANT think about amber benson 'i got so lost' without actively weeping crying tearing up sobbing) .... like they LOVE EACH OTHER and CHOOSE EACH OTHER and i truly believe with time and maturity they will grow into healthy wonderful wives :)))

nOTP

tara and any man that's literally a whole lesbian that is THEE lesbian

random headcanon

HORSE GIRL TARA. mythology geek tara :)))) tara who says "oh my gods" instead of "oh my god" every single time :))) tara loves herbal tea and makes blends herself :))) tara has seen joseph campbell's 'the power of myth' documentary more times than anyone else on earth :)))) tara's favorite movie is practical magic. tara has a daughter and she names her after her mom :)))) tara post-chosen gets really into energy healing and she and willow have a house in berkeley and willow's a professor at the university and tara makes teas and does healing and aura readings and buffy and faith send slayers who've experienced trauma in the line of duty to tara's house for healing :))))) tara is very calm except when she plays cards and then she gets really competitive and doesnt know how to tamp it down. I COULD GO ALL DAY (and so could tara my next headcanon is she loves marathon sex no one has ever eaten pussy like tara maclay for her it is an olympic sport I SAID WHAT I SAID)

unpopular opinion

ZIGZAG PART GOOD ACTUALLY.

song i associate with them

bro so many .... landscape (demo) by florence .... garden song by phoebe bridgers .... this year by the mountain goats .... monster by dodie .... stay down by boygenius .... thumbs by lucy dacus ... dreams by the cranberries ... i feel the earth move by carole king .... closer to fine by the indigo girls .... oceanic feeling by lorde ....jackie and wilson by hozier. ....

favorite picture of them

LOOK AT HER SHE'S SO !!!! LOOK AT THIS LESBIAN!! LOOK AT THIS MOTHERFUCKING LESBIAN

[dykeotomy]

Hi!! It's me again!! Re: the ask I sent you long ago about gender sex & pronouns/similarities between libfem & radfem ideology

Logistically pronouns do equal gender, but I think it's the fact of us being able to use certain pronouns while not being that gender: (drawing from personal experience here so maybe this isnt a very valid argument) I for example enjoy being called a he and I really like being confused with a man mainly because it reaffirms my masculinity. As a gnc woman my masculinity being recognized this way is one of the happiest feelings I can get from social interactions & I bet that for many people it's like that too: they enjoy their femininity/masculinity/androgyny being recognized and being so present in how others view them, so going by different pronouns that dont equate your gender is like extending that feeling to almost every interaction you have & not just punctual ones. I feel like pronouns when used in this way are just a way to make us feel a little happier with ourselves.

When talking about an ideal world I feel like a lot of trans people would agree with you (specially non binary people in my experience they are the ones that advocate the most for gender abolition) masculinity/femininity should not make you less of a man/woman (and lets be honest trans people are the first ones to say that femininity≠womanhood/masculinity≠manhood) and it was never about that. It was simply that man is associated with masculinity and woman with femininity and since he/him are the male pronouns they are today associated with masculinity (at least thats the way it feels to me)

I believe the main reason trans people get dysphoria from gender roles is BECAUSE gender itself is associated with femininity/masculinity. I truly believe that if gender roles did not exist a part of dysphoria caused by gender roles would completely disappeared too: then the only dysphoria felt would be related to your biology

(Expanding on this: I dont believe dysphoria is solely caused by society as you believe because to me gender is simply how your brain registers itself: you just *know* you aren't a cat because your brain registers itself as a human. I believe a similar thing happens with gender: your brain registers itself as a man/woman/other and because your body doesnt reflect that it causes distress probably born from the confusion of your brain *thinking* it is male and your body telling it it's female and I think this extends today to social roles. If these were not to exist I dont think trans people would feel dysphoria from wearing a dress or a suit or engaging in certain activities etc. You'd still have the problem of terms like man/woman not feeling right cause in this perfect world they only refer to biology and a trans person's brain would still be confused by these words because it deeply believes its female/male. Another reason I believe transness as a concept doesnt uphold gender stereotypes inherently is the existence of gnc trans people. I think they just demonstrate that transness is born from dysphoria which is just your brain not connecting properly with the reality of your body)

I didn't pretend to ignore that abortion rights are being taken away from females & intersex people deliberately because we have historically been a medically oppressed group I just wanted to point out that this is a time of desperation for us and we should ignore our differences for the time being in the name of the greater good: for me this is why I believe things like queer discourse (aka asexuals being part/not part of the queer community, the whole pansexuality is biphobic debate, queer being used as an umbrella term mspec lesbians etc etc etc) should be topics to discuss once we've accomplished total equality. Of course most of us won't get to see the day where no one has to sit their parents or family and tell them they are gay and can simply bring their partner home one day and no one batting an eye, but we need to think about the greater good for the community: we need to stop the infighting and come together to overthrow heteronormativity & the same goes for feminism I believe that as of now we shouldn't stop and think about anyone's genitals and simply accept all help whether it comes from trans people or not.

I understand your argument about trans men having removed themselves from female spaces, but I think this is more an issue of bodily autonomy more than trans activism: females with dysphoria who took their own decision to transition being denied of their right to keep taking their own informed decisions and I think thats more of the current society's fault than trans activism because they dont advocate for males/females being denied of sex-specific medical care. The only group denying that are the oppressive systems and their aversion towards females making decisions on their own and taking advantage of their own biology (because really why would you adopt when you can already biologically get pregnant? I think this is just females who are comfortable enought with it making use of their biology while still being awarder the right of other respecting the decisions they made with their bodies aka transitioning) -L.A.

as a gnc woman i also get excited when people comment on my androgyny—i remember being a child and an old lady thought i was a boy and it didn’t bother me at all. i really don’t have a problem with people who like being confused for the opposite gender; i think it’s a non-issue. my main concern with pronouns is when we are actively having discussion that are about sex/gender/oppression/sexuality, and pronouns equating to sex are relevant and important

i don’t think trans and nonbinary people who advocate for gender abolition understand what gender abolition really is—either that, or we just have very different ideas of what it looks like. i have seen many trans people say that masculinity/femininity don’t make you less of a woman or man, but this means nothing when they can’t accurately describe what womanhood or manhood ARE. i have no interest in someone saying “a trans woman who doesn’t go on hormones, isn’t feminine, and doesn’t change their wardrobe is still a valid woman bc femininity does not equal womanhood” because nothing about that person’s material reality changed. how can someone be a “valid woman” if womanhood isn’t based in ANYTHING according to these people?

i don’t think gnc trans people prove much other than transness being influenced by social pressure many times. how many gnc people have just given up one day and decided it’d be easier to just live as the opposite gender because being gnc is hard? there’s so many stories like this. it’s really sad imo.

on actual sex dysphoria: mental illnesses should be treated as mental illnesses. i saw someone once compare sex dysphoria to body dysmorphia and it really resonated with me as someone who has an ED. nobody every tried to feed into my delusions about my body because they knew it was bad for me, even though confronting reality made me extremely upset. over time, it got easier. i don’t think there will ever be a day that i don’t find something about my body to nitpick, but my thoughts are manageable and no longer take over my whole existence. i feel as though sex dysphoria should be treated the same. somebody’s brain registering themselves as the incorrect sex does not give them the right to declare that they ARE that sex, because it is simply and factually incorrect. i think these people need genuine, empathetic medical care to get better rather than just being pumped full of hormones and told lies

i think most infighting is stupid but also inevitable. it’s human nature to discuss and debate every single thing that we find worthy of our attention. if it’s not productive discussion, it’s still gonna happen. of course i think that we should be able to put aside our difference in opinions in smaller fights to be able to come together for things that really matter in terms of life/death, but that doesn’t make smaller topics less important when the time is right. i don’t want to have to constantly be debating life altering things. sometimes i do find ace discourse interesting. yes i said it. yes im chronically online. i do see the irony in this

thanks for the ask :)

[strawberry1212]

“IU - Celebrity” Analysis

THE QUEEN HAS RETURNED!!!

I know it’s unhealthy to simp for celebrities...but IU is an exception. I have been rewatching her new comeback an unhealthy amount of times so I thought I’d share some things/details/background info :))

1) Background

So IU wrote about the lyric writing process this time and OMG I have to copy and paste her whole statement bc it’s so beautiful:

"I have a friend who has often been treated as an eccentric person due to her eye-catching outfit, her unique taste, dynamic talents, defensive mechanisms stemming from shyness, and a personality that clearly knows her preferences. I loved her even more because of these unique characteristics of hers, but for the same reasons, she has been living under more scrutiny and hateful eyes. These are the words I wanted to tell my 'unusual friend' that turned into the lyrics to this song but as I worked on the song, I realized that this is also my story as well. After completing the song, I thought that anyone can be the main character to this song. I'm sure everyone has felt left out at least once in their lives because they dont' meet the standards others have made. I want to tell everyone, including my friend, who were born rough around the edges but special. You are not a person from the star (common saying in Korea to mean someone weird/different) but are like a star."

OK THIS IS SO CUTE!! Because like first of all it’s so poetic...the play on words with you are not from the star, but a star yourself. And the fact that we are getting yet another song from IU that is not another romantic song. One of my long standing frustrations with the music industry (American, Korean, and Japanese), is songs tend to always center around romance, and IU tends to break those stereotypes (Bbibbi, Palette, 23, I-Land, 8, just to name her title tracks), and not only that but the fact that this is about her friend is just so beautiful T_T. Also did anyone else think of Sulli when they read this? Sulli was known for her eccentricity, different style, and being misunderstood, but the translation writes “I have a friend” in the present tense...so idk. 

And just her wanting her fans/listeners to feel like the main character (ಥ﹏ಥ) (I’m not crying you are). This is especially such an important message for Korean and Asian fans in general. I only have my experience in Japan to speak to, but Asian collectivist cultures really punish those who stray from the norm, which not only ends up discouraging those from being unique and themselves, but also impedes social progress (feminism, environmentalism, social justice, animal rights, etc.). 

And I also think it’s key where she wrote “as I worked on the song, I realized that this is also my story as well,”--more on that theme later when I break down the music video.

2) Music Video Analysis

The star motif

So she sort of does a play on words by putting a lot of star stuff in, star being another word for celebrity. And as the lyrics “You're a star painted with a left hand,” she’s talking about how this person isn’t the perfect/usual star, but perhaps a crooked/left-handed one...like the one shown to dot the “i” in the first image of the music video:

The star motif also features later around 1:09 in her dance, she draws a star with her finger.

The music video story

So basically it seems IU is playing two people--one is herself, a celebrity type figure dressed in glam clothes, and the other is the unique, “star” character (a stand in for her friend that she wrote the lyrics about). IU sings about the “star,” “A troubled outsider The walk, the style Through the earphones The music is all minor You have no idea Above your lowered head What the bright lights are Shining towards.”

The music video shows IU in glamorous clothes:

While this “star” character is in her unique/non-glam clothing, walking through the crowd.

We can also sense IU’s isolation, she’s dressed like a princess in this glamorous pastel pink room, but she is alone, and the lights flash almost ominously outside, like the constant threat of paparazzi/people always surrounding her wanting to look in on her life:

Or how the clothing racks gradually disappear, revealing her standing alone worriedly:

The next we see IU standing off to to the side (I believe it’s IU bc she’s in an undercover outfit, but it’s clearly very glamorous), as she hides from fans chasing her:

When the crowd passes, she looks around and catches sight of “star” IU, and is seemingly very taken by her unique beauty:

IU chases the “star,” but loses sight of her, and is once again alone:

The irony here is that a) despite being adored and chased by many, the celebrity IU feels alone, and that b) despite being this glamorous celebrity, celebrity IU adores this unique “star,” that is just living her life, and not universally adored like celebrity IU. Celebrity IU almost seems envious of her freedom and unique style. But as the lyrics say, she also is upset at the way society treats the unique “star:”

“Your weary face looks like/ Someone powered you off/ The heartbeat went too quiet/ The glow you have/ The imagination, identity/ Are on a diet” “

These lyrics I had the most trouble with...I think it means the “star”’s imagination and unique identity are being starved/mistreated by society, like they are being forced to put on a diet. 

Next we have:

“You have no idea/ Still not fully bloomed/ Written for you/ A bygone love poem” as celebrity IU works, it seems, on a love poem for the “star.”

Here the star motif features pretty literally, as she is surrounded by her poem writing as the stars fall across the sky. The “written for you, a bygone love poem” could also be a reference to IU’s other song, Love Poem? Also going back to how this could reference Sulli, I could help but be reminded of how IU wrote the song “Peach” about Sulli’s beauty and how much she adored her friend. 

Next we see IU in front of this huge tapestry of celebrity IU, but this time she is wearing a dress studded with stars, and looking further up. She passes through the tapestry, and this could be like a sign of her growth? Like moving past her huge blown up celebrity image of herself to find her true self in a star studded dress?

She then enters into a dark vacuum where she is surrounded by people dancing with lights (another continuation of the star motif):

I think this is the turning point to the music video. Because now it is celebrity IU surrounded by stars. The next scene shows the people (all the people that once chased her) simply walking past her on the steps, perhaps alluding to how fame is ephemeral. She looks unsure and insecure here.

The next scene is most steeped in symbolism; she is in the same room that she was in alone before looking out at the city, but now the curtains are drawn (symbolizing privacy?) and IU reaches out towards an identical version of herself. Now the line between celebrity IU and “star” IU becomes blurred:

It seems that the left is “star” IU, and the right is celebrity IU, who continues to pine and look up to an almost indifferent “star” IU. “Star” IU gets up to leave, and morphs back into her “star” outfit from the beginning of the video, re-affirming that this is in fact “star” IU.

When celebrity IU notices she’s gone, she rushes up to find her (again paralleling her chase at the beginning of the music video), but when she goes to where “star” IU disappears, she is simply confronted with a mirror: she was the unique star all along!

In a sense, the message here could be that our own unique beauty may seem obvious to everyone else (the viewer knew that “star” IU was the same person (IU) as celebrity IU all along, but it took celebrity IU the whole music video to figure it out.

Almost as if this whole sequence has been inside celebrity IU’s head, she seems to come to this realization on a red carpet surrounded by flashing cameras:

Here she breaks the fourth wall, looking directly at the camera, as if to now realize: “I have been my own unique “star” all along.” She looks at the camera as the music sings, “you are my celebrity,” perhaps to mean that the viewer is her celebrity, or that she herself is her own celebrity, and runs off, away from the cameras (as if running away from her fame for a moment), in her beautiful red dress, free and confident at last. In the past she has always been running to chase “star” IU, but now she seems to be running simply for herself:

Messages/themes:

I think there are a couple of final messages here, and it is truly to IU’s credit that she was able to pack so many themes/messages into one music video. I think the dynamic I’m most interested in is how it runs the age old theme of the harms of celebrity fame, but it puts a very unique twist on it. While it shows the isolating aspects of fame, it also has a positive spin, that the love and affection bestowed upon celebrities isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but rather that we should redistribute that love and affection towards those closest to us, and see each other the way IU saw her friend. It also shows that fame and adoration don’t matter when you are insecure in yourself, given the irony of celebrity IU chasing after “star” IU.

This message that what matters most is cherishing and being cherished by those closest to you is interesting, because it can apply to both celebrities and non-celebrities. Celebrities may be adored, but it can be superficial, so they need the genuine love of close friends. Conversely, non-celebrities may feel super connected to their celebrities, but ultimately they need real life close friends. I think the message serves to both humanize celebrities in this way, while also saying that non-celebrities, and even weird/eccentric people, are deserving of the love and adoration we usually only reserve for picture-perfect celebrities.

I think perhaps the most poignant part, is the message of self-love: how at the end she realized that perhaps despite being pigeon-holed in certain ways as a public figure, she can reclaim her unique, beautiful parts. How we can be envious of others who seem set on their unique path and unafraid, but that we are unique and different too.

Also can we talk about how she served LOOKS!!! All of those outfits were GOLD. Anyways, I hope her music and its message reverberate with people who feel undeserving as “outsiders” and being eccentric. Being different is amazing. And as IU suggests, even though we may not be pop stars, we are all “celebrities” to someone. As the saying goes, “to the world you may just be one person, but to one person you may be the world.”

[istherewifiinhell]

@joelleity whomp i had to much to say i dont wanna make it fit as a reply the girl from the other side spoilers

(hoping desperately to be coherent) 1. i meant essenstialist. gotta look when im doing spellcheck better so basically i don't for a moment thing that the text is actually saying death decay is feminine and life construction is masculine or that either structural form of religiosity is bad. i think we see that both forms of religion have peace and fulfillment to them, but also. dont sacrifice someone to ur god lmao. shit sucks. and same of like. life and death, i mean, the black children are really truly quite genderless. with albert and shiva being the exceptions and then. any time we are seeing anything good from insiders its not really patriarchal. like, most of them are guys yeah. but its outside of the wielding power aspect

part of my reading on this whole thing is that. its letting us, readers, , understand our (and thats loosely, western influenced cultures) our connections with death, and how power works to prevent, provide, and use it against us. like my thing the whole time was not understanding, is being cursed WORSE than death? cause the inside will kill you if they think you've been cursed. no palliative care, no time for consideration. and the only reason i think the king thing works is we see how clueless he is, vis a vis the curse, and how he understands at least if the goal is to save lives (still viewing the cursed as s life forfeit) you have to separate the infected from the not.

but its not that that the outsiders we know are actually living like black children, which i think is the hint that our society isn't predestined to be death adverse (and also xenophobic). the culture as it is. doesn't require it. the people who take albert in and then through albert himself, and on to shiva and auntie. and fuck well the king himself. i mean they all have at least some degree of the cultural markers that make them insiders but they don't let it rule them. the king in fact importantly. actually dies for his convictions. and its sad, but also fulfilling. cause he did what he needed to do.

and for the black children side of it. i think the mother part just helps. lack of a better term. humanize them. cause its easy to conceptualize loving a mother. and to show they are alive with birth imagery. but most of the words we would classify them with. i dont they would classify themselves with. this. unfortunately ties into a conversation (with same friend) about star wars. how main culture depicted doing the force outside the jedi and the sith is a sisterhood of witches. and. god star wars writing sucks. but anyway. point is. they are labeled dark side users. even tho its like. to them the force doesn't work that way. so like. the idea. monstrous beings that symbolize our sickness our death. they worship strangely, they spend time devoid of meaning, aimless and wandering. like… no. they are just guys. they are literally their own extant form of life. they have their own believes. part of it that literally every single one of them has a duty to perform while they are alive. now. that does involve talking the parts of their mother back to her. but still, the idea that this is a stable culture that doesnt need to exert control and use fear on its members. it doesn't need to hide knowledge from them. it is assumptions from both us as readers and as a deliberate technique and use of power from the patriarchs of the inside. that black children be seen as our radical opposites, as anathema to "human life". to better stoke the death aversion and xenophobia. (maybe)

[nothorses]

hey sorry if it comes off as weird, but i'm a bit desperate. i had a real bad time figuring out my identity growing up and for like, the past 4~5 years i've become really comfortable and happy whenever i referred and thought of myself as a gay nb trans man; i experience legit gender euphoria whenever ppl address or acknowledge me as such, and the most connection i feel is to gay/bi men/men-aligned ppl. that said, i've struggled with obsessive/intrusive thoughts since i'm like, 12~13 due to (1/?)

a phobia, and they often appeared when i was already feeling low/stressed/anxious over unrelated stuff. y'know when you're having a good time and suddenly your brain goes 'oh hey, remember that thing you have doubts about and makes you distressed? and you think it's not true? well, here it is again (: you're welcome!'. that's it.

so social isolation due to the pandemic has taken a toll on my mental health and recently i have been... struggling a lot not only with dysphoria (i was supposed to start hrt last year but it was postponed due to, well), but also with obtrusive/intrusive thoughts over 'how i'm faking it, i am actually a cis lesbian' (i never felt attracted truly to women, even tho i had kissed two before, and i am Positively attracted to men in a way i can only describe as 'gay').

it has gotten to a point where i cannot think about, y'know, woman characters from stuff i like that i feel like this is somehow a sign i'm actually a lesbian; i have been dreaming a lot of situations i'm either framed as a lesbian or a straight girl, i have been hyperaware of how cis ppl perceive me (pre-transition, as 'girl') and obsessing over little shit like, if women are looking at me in certain ways when i have to go out (sometimes even 'wishing' it, as if it wanting to 'prove' anything).

i feel...... exhausted, none of these make me feel good, all of this makes me feel distressed. i get dreadful when i take 'lol ur lesbian' results at stupid internet quizzes too. i feel like i cannot talk to anyone about it bc i feel like they're gonna try to feed me either 'internalized lesbophobia' or terf rhetoric, which is smth im v aware of, and part of the reason i've been obsessing over as well.

i had mild doubts about stuff before (like if i was rly a binary trans guy or nb, or if i was bisexual) but none was... like this, y'know.  i was also dumb and read a bbc article about detransitioning ppl which opened with 'studies say most trans ppl dont doubt' etc. featuring two cis lesbians that detransitioned after entering a relationship with one another. i feel rly rly rly dreadful i wish i could go back to feeling like myself (gay and guy) like i did before.

i'm sorry for the longest fucking ask btw, and also, tumblr hadnt let me send the rest for like, Hours, i'm deeply sorry

[Edited for formatting]

I think a lot of this is very normal, especially for transmascs.

We’re constantly fed this idea that we can’t really trust our own perception of reality, that we don’t know ourselves as well as others do, and that the things we believe about ourselves are temporary, silly, and “signs” of some deeper reality that someone else knows for us. It’s only natural that we’d internalize some of those feelings, and struggle to trust even the most irrefutable evidence of our own realities.

If it helps to have some tools in those moments, a couple of reminders:

Cis girls do not typically dread the idea of being girls. They might dread the social repercussions or expectations, they might hate girls who look/act in certain ways, but they do not typically hate that they are girls.

If you are feeling dread over the idea that you might be attracted to women, you probably aren’t! It’s good to work on feeling more at peace with the possibility, because orientation can be very fluid for some folks, and being ready to accept yourself if things change takes a lot of pressure off- but if you don’t want to be with women, you just literally do not have to be with women. For any reason. Even if you are “secretly” attracted to them, if you don’t want to be with them anyway, you simply do not have to be.

Trans people experience doubt. We experience it all the time. We experience it pretty much endlessly! Maybe there are trans folks who never, ever doubt their genders, and I’m very happy for them; but that’s the exception, not the rule, in my experience. This study talks about the steps toward trans self-acceptance, and finds each step is an ongoing process, and often a back-and-forth. It was very comforting for me to recognize the patterns & know I’m not alone.

The focus on AFAB detransitioners is driven by transandrophobia. Because saving the “poor little girls” is a compelling motivator in a misogynistic society. Most detransitioners are actually folks who were AMAB, and found the societal pressure and backlash was too overwhelming, or made things too unsafe, for them to carry on with their transitions. Most detransitioners, period, are people who had to stop because of safety issues, or lack of access to their transition needs.

It’s very normal to go through periods of high doubt, and periods of high self-assuredness. You may just have to ride this out; surround yourself with as much support and love as you can, remind yourself that those fears aren’t really based in reality, and be kind to yourself during this difficult time. Try to make choices that prioritize your mental and emotional health.

You will get through this period of doubt, and come back to finding love and joy in your identity again! It might just take a little time & patience.

(Also no worries over the sending confusion; Tumblr’s a lil broken sometimes, and it’s genuinely not even remotely an issue.)

[drabbles-of-writing]

Dont be shy go off About The society Au you got my attention :>

FUCK YEAH LETS GO tying this in w the other ask abt what Luz’s cyberpunk mask looks like-

Luz’s mask looks very similar to this one but with no horns and its more pointed and looks far more canine-like. to the point where if you slapped fur on it, it could make a pretty convincing dog animatronic. if Luz opens her jaw a certain way and sort of ‘locks’ it into place, the mask connects with her jaw and moves when she speaks. she can ‘lock’ her jaw again to close it. though she normally only opens it to shove random items she doesn’t want to risk being discovered/falling out of pockets. shes the “what do you have in your mouth” meme.

SO BASICALLY theres this mind controlling Thing Bug Whatever going on. if you know Inside or Blackout Club, yknow what im talking abt. the government (emperors coven) started doing Experiments to see if it would work and wants to make it so that when they are mind-controlled enough they truly just become Husks. just corpses they can manipulate bc if they aren’t ‘real people,’ that will be far more palpable for the rest of the world to get used to if they think its just corpses or the sick that simply can’t be saved, and that this is somehow a mercy for them. but they’re testing on like. actual people. the Boiling Isles, which was like a whole tri-state area or somethin big like that, was made up of multiple different towns. it was on the coast n marsh so they were kind of ‘islands’ here and there, especially a couple hundred years ago. the name stuck. out of all the towns, Bonesborough is the only one still standing. the others are full of abandoned buildings, overgrown plants, and the smell of burning flesh and decay everywhere. nobody in Bonesborough is aware of this. they are virtually stuck in the town since they have ‘everything they need’ there and are basically brainwashed (not in the mind control sense) to stay in the town, bc the government just Won’t Let Them Leave. the doubters are told its bc there are dangerous infections running about so the town needs to stay where it is until the threat is ‘neutralized.’  only the adults are used in mind-control experiments, as they kinda like. need the children to become adults and make more children. also since their minds are still developing they have NO IDEA what could happen if they try to mind-control them. plus like,,,,nobody would ever get used to the idea of corpse mind-controlled children. so Luz & the gang are safe, but at the cost that They Know.

there are a couple labs scattered here and there throughout the Boiling Isles, some are abandoned, most are wrecked as all hell (courtesy of shit fucking up & Luz’s gang fucking it up), and they’re the only real government in the area. Belos leads the thing, obv. scientists are all about and Lilith is part of them. she and Eda were part of one of the other towns in the Boiling Isles but once the scientists came Lilith became interested and doesn’t know the Full story. like how the mind control is going to be used to be labor and fucked up experiments beyond the mind stuff and also that like. they plan to virtually make them brain-dead. Lilith is still fucked up for wanting to mind-control people but she has no idea they basically want corpses. and, well, she joined so she wouldn’t get mind controlled and wants to take Eda into the government so they won’t hurt her. hard times. Eda stuck it out and lives just outside Bonesborough, surviving on her own and constantly flipping off the scientists. she can manage to only be somewhat mind controlled (basically the Curse) but it still causes Problems

Odalia & Alador work w/help fund the project so the Blight sibs are like. right in the thick of it. they also only have like half an idea of whats going on but they know its Bad but what the Hell can they do?? who knows maybe this’ll just be abandoned someday theres already a ton of problems. so when Luz and the Gang start purposefully wrecking shit, they grab the “useless Blights”, give them some weapons and sick outfits, and tell them to go take care of the problem. Luz has a LOT of fun teasing Amity you have no idea. the two are idiots and often Luz accidentally ends up as the distraction while Willow & Gus do the work they actually came there to do.

[bigskydreaming]

I’m still thinking through names I like for Cass better than Orphan or Black Bat (which I don’t hate like I do Orphan, but I’ve always felt that the name Black Bat came more out of just ‘come up with something franchise themed’ than trying to find something for Cass specifically), for when she’s not Batgirl or Steph is instead. Not for any particular project or anything, I’ve just been stuck on that train of thought since falling onto it the other day.

I think I’ve given up on it being Red themed lol. My dreams for Batfam symmetry are doomed to come to naught. C’est la vie.

Currently though most of the ideas I have are all central to or revolving around communication or connection, because I honestly think those are thematically so PIVOTAL to who Cass is.....but the danger is something like that coming across as ironic due to Cass not being particularly talkative in a lot of peoples’ interpretations or views, and its absolutely not meant to be, not for the reasons I’m thinking.

Like because the thing about her childhood is....there’s so much to focus on that was fucked up about what David Cain put her through, its impossible to have a specific place to ‘start’. But I think something that definitely at least has to be way up there is the isolation he forced her to live most of her early life in. Deprived of even the POSSIBILITY of connection to others. Because connection is so fundamental to what makes us human. As well as to what makes Cass “Cass.” Cass THRIVES due to the connections she chooses for herself. Don’t get me wrong, she’s fully capable on her own, its not about suggesting she’s reliant on them.....for me, its more about the triumph of her having the freedom and CHOICE now to connect herself to as many people as she chooses, when originally her father had meant for her to basically exist APART from society. Emphasizing the importance of connection and communication to Cass is like, a definite fuck you to her dad and his plans for her, a symbol of her freedom and independence. 

But also its not JUST that, because its also just about the sheer joy of connecting for Cass, because its the fulfillment of dreams she never really expected to become reality. Because as much as her life with David defined a large portion of her childhood, she was also shaped in no small part by the years she spent on her own....where even though she was out from under Cain’s thumb, she was still influenced by the specter of him and everything he’d ever said to her. She kept herself apart from society for the most part, even though now technically she was free to mingle among it if she chose....because she felt guilt-ridden over the death she’d been party to though it had never truly been her fault and she was very much Cain’s victim there as well as the man who died, rather than him being her victim.

But the point is, a lot of the second half of her childhood was spent in silence as well, albeit self-imposed silence....except also no, fuck that, it wasn’t self-imposed because she was still suffering from the trauma of her worldview being so heavily shaped and influenced by her abusive fucknugget of a father, who’d essentially spent years convincing her that words weren’t for her, that communication, that connection, those were things for people other than her but would forever elude her because she just wasn’t BORN to partake in those things. She stayed outside of society, made no real effort to figure out if she COULD learn to communicate like others did, because her abuse in no small part had revolved around making her believe it was just her place to be silent, her role. That a weapon didn’t need words.

So in the family and fulfillment Cass found later in Barbara and Bruce and Steph and others, like.....it wasn’t just about her finding companionship or even a sense of purpose or direction......she found a voice. Even if she speaks more with sign than out loud or even if she has trouble translating her thoughts into words or sign language due to learning disability or the like, Cass very much COMMUNICATES, she connects, she has things to say, and she more than anyone understands the importance of a voice, whether spoken or written or signed, of the power inherent in just being able to use it and express oneself.

And its equally key that Bruce and Babs and others didn’t GIVE that to her, because how could they? It was something she had all along because the reality is no matter how hard he tried, it was something Cain couldn’t truly take from her. All he could do (and make no mistake, I use “all he could do” to emphasize the ultimate failure of his attempts to control her rather than to dilute the extent of trauma his abuse did inflict) - but even his attempts to cut her off from people and isolate her via an inability to communicate.....they relied wholly on denying her the tools and opportunities to learn how to make use of her voice, of the things she wanted and needed to say. 

So its not a gift that Babs and Bruce bestowed on her, because it wasn’t something anyone COULD give her anymore than it could fully be taken from her. But they did help her find that she had things to say and she had ways to say them. That she deserved to be heard and understood as much as anybody, and that she had so much in her that had just been waiting for someone to tell it to and ways for her to do that. They helped show her how to connect her voice to the right audiences for it, to communicate to people who would hear her and as Batgirl and Black Bat.....to people who NEEDED to hear her. For whom the things she could communicate via her actions and protection as much as anything else.....like that was a message they needed to hear themselves due to the abusers and villains in their own lives.

And I just see that as so.....triumphant for Cass is the word I honestly keep going back to the most.

I’ve called Dick’s approach to vigilantism his form of performance art. Carrying something that holds great importance to him even if others might overlook its significance, into what he does as a vigilante in ways that everyone he helps benefits from. Even if they don’t realize that his light-hearted performances even while sweeping them out of the path of danger is as much to help buffer them from the trauma of what is happening to them and how much they’ve already suffered.....those are as much a part of his aim to protect and make peoples’ lives better as his actual martial arts.

In the same sense, I consider Cass’ approach to vigilantism her form of connectivity. Its her message to people who need to hear, to see, to believe that there is help for them out there, that there is someone who wants to come for them, someone who wants to bring them out of whatever hole or isolation or danger they’ve fallen or been forced into....they need this as much as Cass needs it to be able to say look at me, look at my actions, I did that, I said that, that was ME.

For Cass, I feel vigilantism is about finding her voice, finding ways to put into message form others can understand even on a primal level the things she wants to communicate, that she wishes had been communicated earlier to her...that everyone deserves to be connected, to have connections, and to just....speak. In whatever form they can or choose to.

Its about the ability and freedom to use her voice, to impart her messages....and see those things have IMPACT. Be heard. Seen. Communicated.

And for those reasons I keep coming back to something like Songbird, but its ugh....its such a Catch 22. It would be so easy to misconstrue, but honestly I think it fits what I’m describing so well and like.....whatever, ultimately it doesn’t matter since this is just a headcanony thing anyway and not going to actually change anything, but like....I am The Undecided.

(Also I know Marvel already has a Songbird, but a) I dont care, like Marvel is stupid so umm why would that even matter yeah thats what I thought and b) I mean Songbird is an easy name to attach to any color one wants to make part of her name and ascribe particular significance to. Like she could be Red Songbird? Scarlet Songbird? Yes? No? Give up the dream Kalen, Big Red, Middle Red and Lil’ Red just ain’t it? Ugh, fine. Booo.)

But anyway, that’s what I’ve been musing on.

[vr2]

haha anyways genshin must be on some wild fucking shit if they think theyre gonna try and drag out their main story for like 2 years. on god having like half a year between main chapters of its already weak spindly little story is like mindboggling decision i do not trust your storytelling skills at all to make any of the hype worth it but i also think thanks to the general playerbases inability to read they will continually feel disappointment at how poor genshins main story content is and how it is purveyed to the reader especially in comparison to the lore which is completely jarring in quality of delivery.

in the archon quest at the end of liyue chapter you get a lore dump from zhongli where he just stands there and gives you like 3 quest prompts about shit that exists for no reason other than idk “they needed to put the plot threads in there asap and they forgot they had an entire world to do it in” and then that mf disappears. forever. literally exiled from the overworld unless you pay like ninety quid to summon him on his banner. not to mention every single other npc you meet will never appear again outside of their instanced quests. it’s such a weird jarring end point that you’re left stranded in and its not only a frustratingly awkward delivery, it honestly just seems pointless. why couldn’t there have been an extended epilogue that involves talking to the npc character FROM inazuma, talking to beidou who is a pirate with an electro vision about idk ... travel and her ELECTRO vision being granted which is a feat she in known for in the lore of liyue folk. it could even be someone from the qixing like ningguang who surely would know about the status of foreign nations or keqing who has an electro vision and would absolutely have something to say about baal’s stance on things and her condescension towards humans. god it could still even be zhongli just space it out, let him invite us to dinner and chat over liyue cuisine and let inazuma come up naturally thgouh paimons huge appetite to eat new things. not only would the pacing be better, the plot threads be put in a way where you dont immediately forget them because they’re being rapidfire talked at you, but it would be a great way to make the character seem like theyre people with lives and not just trying to move the plot along and be on their way.

conversely, the story of arundolyn and rostam, the legends of mondstadt and the ordo favonius, the lion and the wolf, the building hints towards the cataclysm of khaenri’ah and what kind of nation earned the scorn of the gods -- its all slowly fed to you piece by piece linked through artifacts, world lore, in-game books, weapons and sometimes the world itself. you uncover things as you explore and the more thoroughly you explore - the more you discover! it’s rewarding, it feels natural and its some of the most fun you have piecing together stories and building out this strange world like some kinda anime historian and it encourages theorycrafting rather than a concrete set of events and characters being straightforward. its genuinely interesting that theres a whole society and cast of characters from the days of yore who are intimately connected with our current cast and the world we live in but also very much their own interesting characters who hold their own legacies and wills, carving them into the stars for ill or good.

its almost as if the main quest writers and the lore writers are completely separate, work on different floors and they dont ever meet because why ... why on earth would you deliver critical parts of the main story in such a blatantly poor way and make it have none of the nuance and intrigue as the worldbuilding? in a game that is designed for the express purpose of making people sympathetic and invested with characters to spend silly money on them? you think your paper thin story is going to let you do that? no gacha game is allowed to have storytelling subpar to the most average middle of the pack lightnovel and get away with being a gacha game. your story has to have at least a few moments where i am dazzled, daresay fucking delighted, at least a second where i have to stop and say ‘this is cool as hell’ or ‘FUCK ITS HAPPENING’ or else it is well and truly expendably worthless non-product! you have to be a little more ambitious than making some normie shit and try and make the story have a little heart! i dont doubt that they can do it, im sure there are talented writers there since i like a lot of the characterisations but man, let em free you need them no more than ever

the only thing i can think of that explains how watered down the story feels in comparison to lore, is a fear of making people ‘read too much’ in the main quests which honestly doesnt seem to be much of an issue to them. lanternrite wasnt that long but the sheer amount of npc dialogue feels staggering because its all ultimately ... inconsequential. we have no investment into these npcs and theres like 15 odd quests of it, it goes from cool world flavour text to genuinely feels like its taking up space all because they are trying to endear you to the lives of these generic npcs when you’d rather know like even one thing about chongyuns life and daily routine or xinyans performances. being able to see kaeya for one second even was the most fun and even then i was still disappointed cause its like bro? you didnt even let him do anything and it was JUST him? in the world there are so many characters explicitly referenced but never utilised and it makes their complete absence even more noticeable and frankly fucking baffling? not even fate episodes for all of our 12 SRs? actually nevermind, even the character stories are somehow unforgivably generic!

honestly i feel like the best event so far was the unreconciled stars event but by my standards it definitely felt like ‘solid gacha game event story’ with a touch of something more interesting with the inclusion of scaramouche’s lore insight. i was hoping this his how events would be in genshin, i really thought that this was the ‘standard’ but for some reason, its beginning to seem like that event was a bit of an outlier? i would gladly take less events and have them be more like the unreconciled stars event, with character interactions and slowly improving and hashing out who these characters are over never-ending carousel of random events that are mostly fetch-quests or fluff.

idk man its just a strange mess of me enjoying genshins world and theorycrafting, loving playing the game and exploring but feeling like the ball is not bein dropped but violently slammed into the ground by the sheer lack of character content whilst being praised by everyone under the sun for ‘story’ and ‘characters’. m*hoyo do better bitch! you already made such a good roster of characters now fuckin do something with them! stop releasing new characters without bothering with any of the existing ones! i beg of you!

[darlington-v]

HELLO YES IS ONE OF(?) THE FELLOW TRANSMASC BEEDUO ENJOYERS, RESPONDING AFTER A MULTIDAY DELAY.

CANT BELIVE THAT HANDHOLDING SHIT.

As someone else who has (on a certain level) like, made that connection, of someone I can be very affectionate with, but am still in the gender closet with for various reasons. I can absolutely understand your impulse and the preassure... a lot of my hesitation is based around a fear of going against some kind of perceived "ground work" in that relationship. And then I get frustrated because in this relationship and others i just would not have to think so much about this and how I present myself if I had just been born a cisguy. I am also just yearning for bro friendships where I'm just perceived as a dude from the get-go, even if I end up acting ""feminin"" or some shit.

But when I think about all the relationships I've had, I wouldn't want to have "skipped over" any of them, even if I wasn't, or didn't start by presenting my truly authentic self. I can't bring myself to regret or fully resent any of those connections, even if in my heart I can't always regard them as 100% "valid" or "genuine" in the context of how I know I was/am perceived and how I present. I dunno, I hope that makes sense, and helps in some way... I guess what im trying to say is, even if I have wishes and yearnings of how things could be different, I still am happy to have had the relationships I've had.... and I know ill just keep meeting new folks and either things will work out or they wont, and that'll be ultimatly for the best...

But hughu its also kinda silly when I think about it, that some internet dudes make me confront and think about all this shit. But it also does make sense too.

I don't know its very hard to explain, feel free to just ignore all this.

yes!!!! i TOTALLY understand this!

it's really frustrating because i would love to seek out other communities and environments that may lead into relationships similar to that of like??? SAME AFFECTION????? but im afraid to put myself out ANYWHERE new because i don't want to be perceived as like... woman-lite or anything. i don't want anyone to have to rethink how they perceive me i just wanted to present in the way that i feel.

similarly to what you said, i don't want to build something on "ground-work" i know i'll have to break down and like. make the REAL ground work pretty much?

and yeah! same! i get frustrated as well because it would just be much easier to deal w/ if i was just. cis. but i don't dwell on that too much, luckily

however i still run into the same issue: (more long winded venty shit below, ur invited to me being extremely vulnerable on the internet have fun)

how can i deal with this and make this easier for myself? is it... achievable even? like! yeah! how can i simply start new relationships with this... pre-established certainty of "that is a Boy! a BONAFIDE boy!" like... not even cis but just.

i struggle with the idea that most people who aren't trans will like... not... TRULY respect my identity? like behind closed doors. which is something i know a lot of trans people struggle with and honestly that is... our own issue in regards to trust. if no one throws and red flags that they don't actually respect your identity, then you really just have to trust that they do.

it's just... honestly putting conditions on like. your trust i guess. PERSONALLY. like im putting conditions on myself such as: if i present masculine then people will respect my identity and assimilate to how i identify, even if i don't present that yet.

which... usually isn't the case? people may take longer to assimilate but if someone is going to respect you, you can usually tell. or i feel like i can.

however. i guess. i want to shortcut the assimilation? but it's unfair to me to just put myself on hold until i don't need to ask people to like. REALLY understand liek HEY. THAT PITCHY MOTHERFUCKER IS A DUDE. because it's hard. and i, in my tiny pea brain, feel like a shortcut would just already be presenting male boy man MASCULINE. however, like i said, it's unfair for me to put that on myself bc that's a LONG time to wait!! that's coming out, getting a new wardrobe, and ALSO getting HRT!! that doesn't just happen in one day.

i explained to some friends that like. sometimes i wish i could just present a certain way and then no one could really ever know me intimately.

and it's definitely not that im... ASHAMED of being trans!! it's very nice and cool! however i feel sad that like... we're still adjusting as a society in terms of like... gender i guess? like... i do not want to be seen as woman-lite by anyone. in any degree. and sometimes you need a deeper understanding of gender to get past like... the weird like. ok he's... he's boy but like kinda not boy??

IT'S JUST. MMM. BEING PERCEIVED AND NOT INTERPRETTED CORRECTLY IS VERY TERRIFYING AND I HATE IT AND UR RIGHT BEING CIS WOULD BE EASIER, I DON'T NECESSARILY WANT TO BE CIS, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO EMULATE CISNESS WHILST REMAINING QUEER WHICH I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF IT'S POSSIBLE.

however same!!! the relationships i have now i love and i care very deeply about and i feel that like... even though they've known me before i was like "ok masc and he/they" and shit like that, i do feel like they understand like

*points* boy!!

however when it comes to strangers it's so... scary. and like IDK. ITS SO FUNNY BECAUSE I'VE NEVER HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS BEFORE. AND IT'S WHY I WANT TO LIKE? EXPLORE THE COMMUNITY FOR OLDER TRANS PEOPLE. LIKE HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THIS???? how can you just BE OKAY when like... introducing yourself to strangers.

how can you just let... strangers in?

which is also *THROWS THINGS* THE WORST PART!!! I WANT TO BE A CONTENT CREATOR BUT I DON'T WANT TO WAIT!!!! I WANT MY VIEWERS TO GO BOY BOY BUT THEY WONT BECAUSE I HAVE NO FORM OF PRESENTATION BESIDE A PERSONA AND A VOICE AND MY VOICE IS PITCHY!!! ITS SO HIGH AND PITCHY!!!

and it's frustrating!! because i don't want an audience who doesn't like understand BOY!!! NOT WOMAN-LITE!!!!!!! NOT WOMAN GOING THRU PHASE!!!!!

BOYYYYY!!!!!

TLDR;

being trans is hard and i just don't want to be seen as woman-lite. i want to bee seen as like cis boy but trans. like i think i'd take more kindly to someone being like "omg i didn't even know you were trans!" to like someone infantilizing me and calling me a sweet little boy bean. and thats a lot easier between close friends! even though they have heard my voice and they've listened to me talk about being trans! they understand. and strangers?? have the potential to not. like they might? but what if they dont... and that's. Scary.