#dont know how to truly connect to people. or be part of society in a way that benefits living. people dont seem to try

[autisticlee]

sometimes being autistic really separates me from other people. there's an invisible wall that separates me from people, society, the world. all those things can reach through the wall and slap me around, but it's one way. I can't reach them. and they never pat me on the head. nothing nice comes through. and I can't get out. I try to share good things. nothing gets through the wall. they see it as I purposely don't come out of the room i'm locked in. they think I act like i'm too good for them. they are offended and reach in to slap me. i'm desperately screaming and trying to reach out to them. trying to be part of things. but I can't. I can't connect with them. I can't be part of society. this wall isn't my doing, but they are making sure it stays up and making sure they only send negative signals through. know I can't stay behind this wall or I literally can't live. but also can't get out. i'm stuck and blamed for it. told i'm not trying and it's on purpose. i've been kicking and screaming at the wall my whole life and didn't make a dent. the lonliness and disconnection that can be felt when autistic is something nonautistic people will never feel or understand.

[fairycosmos]

Hello

Long time follower. Big fan.

Umm i dont have any "real" friends and i feel like i have to vent about what happened to me with someone so plz bare with me.

Yesterday I was sexually assaulted. Outside my own apartment building by a man that is an "aquaintance" at most. I managed to get away by stepping on his foot and elbowing him in the stomach before it went any further. What sucks even more is that I live in a super conservative middle eastern country that has a society that loves to victim blame. I cant even go to the police cuz i have no proof and the sad thing is this the THIRD time in my life of 30 years where i get sexually assaulted. The first time was my cousin when I was 13 and the second time was someone who was a close friend when i was in my 20s. I feel pathetic and cowardly for not speaking up every time it happened. I know I cant tell my family cuz they are religious and all they care about is my "chastity" whatever the fuck that is and i honestly dont know what to do anymore.

Thank you for listening

🪽

hey angel,

i’m so sorry it took me a minute to see this, and honestly, i'm just fkn enraged that you're even in this position to begin with. none of this should’ve ever happened to you, and it’s so beyond messed up that you’ve had to go through it, and more than once, on top of everything else. first, i just want to say that i’m so, so grateful to you for opening up about it, especially when you’re feeling so isolated. it takes so much courage to even put this into words, and i’m honored that you trust me with it at all tbh. as much of an eye roll it is to hear, you’re truly not alone in this. and you’re definitely not “pathetic” or “cowardly” for how things played out or for not feeling like you could speak up before. the way you’re feeling is real, valid, and so understandable—especially when support and safety feel so distant.

it’s beyond unfair to be in a place where victim-blaming is such a huge part of the culture. to have to carry that, while being made to feel like you have to hide this, is an awful weight. but please know, this is not on you—none of it. the guilt and shame that the world tries to put on you is not yours, even if sometimes that feels impossible to believe. grounding yourself in the truth—that you haven’t done anything wrong, no matter how often you have to remind yourself—can be a solid step. and if you believe that for other people who've been in your shoes, then you must believe it for yourself too. ultimately, the shame belongs to the people who assaulted you and a world that hasn’t supported you the way you deserve. please don’t let their actions shape how you see yourself. your survival, your resilience, your courage etc that’s who you are.

there are a few places that might be able to give you some support, even if it’s from a distance. rainn.org offers confidential chat options and resources, and while it’s u.s.-based, it could still be useful if you need a safe space to talk. another is pandora’s project, a support and forum site specifically for survivors. they have spaces where people from all backgrounds, including those with similar cultural challenges, can connect. <3

if you’re open to it, a counselor or therapist who specializes in trauma and works online might be a good option, too. there are so many who understand the importance of privacy and safety in environments where speaking out can be challenging. the International Association for Trauma Professionals has a directory that could help you find someone who’d really get where you’re coming from and respect those unique challenges.

just remember, it’s okay to take this one step at a time. if all you can do today is share this with someone who cares, or offer yourself some compassion and grace to cry and breathe and be pissed and hurt and numb and upset, then that’s more than enough. i believe in your right to feel safe, supported, and heard, and there are people who genuinely want to help you get there, however and whenever you need.

sending you so much love and strength <3 if you need to vent or if you just need someone to talk to, please msg me any time. i understand what it's like to have your boundaries violated too and i know how lonely and painful it is to contend with it in your own head. x

[sequesteredschizo]

cw // suicidal ideation & self harm 

thought too much about where I should post these words @ and where to do it if I did

Decided on here, both to challenge myself to be honest about how I'm doing and as a small private testament to myself, esp considering I can't guarantee I'll remember any of this later if I don't 

A few months ago I decided I was supposed to kill myself on April 26th 2024. I think something about doing that nullified certain anxieties of mine at times, for better and for worse. I thought the worst thing I could do that would ruin everyone I cared about was already going to happen, so I was able to loosen my grip somewhat on the people-pleasing and the social anxiety and the agoraphobia- maybe a sort of subconscious 'if something doesn't change, i will be dying. So I might as well try while I'm still around.' I've been callous and I've been unstable, but I also took risks (or, actions I that felt like risks to me) that landed me with more life-affirming results than I could have ever anticipated.

I sent texts I thought were annoying and stupid to people I wished I talked to more, I tried to eat like a well-adjusted adult person, I was honest with my dad about how hellish my disability was making my life for the first time. Etc etc. Anything to connect, anything to survive. I didn't care anymore. it felt like the end of the world. To everyone else it probably seemed like I was finally re-entering society, if anyone thought much of it at all (unlikely, imo.) At one point, I hurt myself worse than I ever had before, and without really meaning to, haven't done it since. It feels now like a microcosm of the bigger picture, just by coincidence. Doing better wasn't necessarily my intention, but it was a consequence of thinking I was fucking it all up one last time. Might as well throw all the chips in.

Last weekend I attended a wedding out-of-state for a relative I hadn't seen in years knowing id meet countless new faces and I didn't even freak out. And I was terrified, and I didn't want to go there and I didn't want to stay here but I did it anyways. Turns out I don't think I've ever felt so loved and welcomed and appreciated in my life. The people I reached out to on a whim, because what was the worst that could happen? Some of them actually respond back, fucking shocker. My dad is trying to stop pretending I don't exist. I'm a little less malnourished. So those are all good developments.

I feel like I reached up into an empty sky with the very last dregs of energy I had and by some miracle, just enough of the universe reached back. I don't and didnt want to scar and endanger my struggling loved ones because I couldn't be strong enough to deal with myself. It had to be my last option, after truly trying everything I could. I didn't even do much, and I didn't expect it to work. I didn't expect my favorite band to be dropping new shit on my due date. I didn't know that I would really honestly from the bottom of my heart not want to leave this fucked up horrible beautiful tragic world behind. 

I know there's always going to be a part of me that expects me to commit. it's always been easier for me to hurt myself than help myself. I've written a lot of suicide notes throughout my life. This is the first time I've ever done the opposite, I guess? This is supposed to be my promise to me that I want to live. I need to. Its really hard to admit that to myself. I'm pretty sure I can do it tho.

I think (and almost hope) that the handful of you who follow this stupid little blog wont read this, but I posted it here because theres too many people everywhere else. It's directed at myself anyway.

a distant yell into a cacophonous void, in hopes that typing it will act as a metaphysical vehicle for manifesting it in the collective subconscious:

TRANS PEOPLE DONT KILL YOURSELF!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[meatriarchived]

𝐂𝐇𝐎𝐊𝐄 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐃. / just some small thoughts on danny's dire trajectories.

ive been trying the last some days to really piece together the idea of danny adopting aliases like maria or lee or connie in the dires and honestly? truly just don't think the guy has the mental really to get creative about it like them

esp w. the scenario of him knocking down luda & getting absolutely beat down over weeks for it?

Choke Chained & danny's lil like. crossover routes ( ie. him showing up in a nosy trajectory w. maria & lee ) really is more of a look into how someone functions when they've quite literally been broken. not damaged, not scared into submission, but pushed and beaten and ground into the dirt so badly, so prolonged, that its literally a death in its own right so to speak.

like, following that entire experience danny is still very much loyal and still warm to a point with the others if theyre there too ( ie. nosy ) but really do think how absolutely traumatic - not just mentally or emotionally but also just frankly physically too - how it must have been to literally be repeatedly thrown on the cusp of death over and over and over, how internally there was a sense of dread at the idea of recovering and coming out alive on the other end of the tunnel. how internally there was the fight of just letting yourself go vs i dont want to give any satisfaction in doing so - despite that theres still the satisfaction gained by completely destroying you instead from the outside in.

dragging my point back in re: aliases with danny,

guy really has no need for them ( 'aww but dont you wanna be creative and silly wi-' "no." fdsbhjk just deadpan like no need sorry not tryna be an ass but- ). there was never really a mark he'd left on society pre-house so who cares really if anyone could connect any dots? he may toss out a random name in passing but theres no personas to slip a mask on for, theres no intricate backstory really he pieces together for any or for himself. thats really not what his 'purpose', so to speak, is.

mentioned before but, dont pull danny out for hunts when you want to really toy around. you pull him out by choke chain to kill. he's not sitting in bars to really engage with targets like maria does. he's lurking silently around, watching carefully, keeping low profile and listening, observing. he waits for cues to move - be it maria or lee making eye contact with him, or them either doing the same to johnny and seeing him get up first.

he follows suit - he rarely exactly makes first move, in part to not cause any unnecessary attention, but also because his stupid, rage-blinded choices prior already drilled lesson deep into ribcage.

for how he works, its just an unneeded detail really. he just needs to know who to lock jaws on. anything else that may happen, people approaching him, flirting happens, whatever, then he'll roll with it but all the rest is glitter really. if you want someone dead, without complaint, without time wasted, then you pull him out.

[kpoptarotastrology009]

all anyones says its never too late but at some point it does become too late or fewer opportunities as we get older. it seems i have become so desenstised to modern day society that none of its interesting enough anymore.

i much wouldve preferred to have been of an older generation but no one seem to understand when i say there really nothing else someone my age can do and i dont want to be subjected to social media anymore but it seems every other person and their granny is an internet star of some type. im just quite over it. it seems harder to genuinely make connections last as well, again either ive been doing it wrong or i dont know what i can do anymore? either i have to care deeply abt it enough to want to do it which i dont know what i truly care about anymore. even digitalised entertainment is also taking a lot of fun and simplicity out of entertainment so i also dont know what im interested in. i feel like im just a useless blob that has no real skills since i cant go back in time and makeup for the situations i had to put up with. whats weird is these weird situations have also happened even as an adult. so no one else really gets what i mean bc they havent experienced anything like it themselves. the other part of me also feels older due to not really fitting in anywhere so i might as well have been from an older generation cause mine has sucked.

Maybe I don't know you but what you said really touched me and I got you're feeling like I'm feeling it right now , I can feel energies and I felt yours after reading this , please if you need someone to talk too about this situation I will be happy to hear you you can send me a message if you want too and you're comfortable with that I will try to help you as much as I can , but what I can tell you here is that you shouldn't stop believing in yourself. Never . Nothing matters not age not the generation not anything , you are the only person that matter , believe in yourself because of what you said I literally can't see that you don't believe in yourself because the moment you do everything will change you will see life in an other perspective , nothing is too late when you are still on this earth , nothing is impossible , when you put your heart , you're feeling and you work for it no matter you're age is you will achieve it , see the light in you , in every person there is a light , some people find that light in them and use it to shine and that's how they achieve anything they want , the moment you find the light within you and you work on it , nothing will stop you from being the best version of yourself ...

I don't know if my words may help but I'm always there for anyone who wants to talk about anything and I will do what I can do to help you , I'm sending you all the love whenever you're right now and whatever you're doing , please have a nice day and don't focus on the negative side always focus on the positive side of things , you only live once so live it with happiness ♥️♥️♥️

[animentality]

all i want is for someone to make me cry. 

[chasingfictions]

Ooh what about Tara for the character ask?

@dafttpunk @restlesshush this one's for u as well also i LOVE this energy truly i want loving tara to be more a part of my brand i love her she's my everything

favorite thing about them

hi hi hih hih hih hi hi hi ???? HI???? WE AS A SOCIETY do not discuss enough the way tara's backstory is Insane Actually. .... like i know i wrote 40k about this already (hehe) but im not done talking about this like,,, imagine being tara maclay and you are growing up in an abusive household where your mom is also being abused and youre told that the magic inside of you is evil and cursed and your mom is still teaching it to you and youre holding that dichotomy in your heart that this thing is demonic and also it's holy and it's what connects you to your mother and her mother and her mother .... and like thinking about tara's mother-daughter relationship and thinking about tara losing her mother at 17 and how that's still a whole year alone in that house where no one was on her side and the BRAVERY and COURAGE to leave home, the implication in "family" with "how did you find me" that tara literally ran away tara left behind everything she knew she literally did what her mother never could and left that household and left that town and the ?????? sakjklsdjasd???? and the WAY that tara's response to all of that suffering is to be so KIND like tara is so KIND and ACCEPTING the way she makes SPACE for people and is there for buffy when buffy can barely admit her affair with spike to herself and she goes to tara anyway the way tara is this mother figure to dawn who is this scared traumatized child the way tara is this person for willow who like! willow's WHOLE THING is self hatred and tara lets willow believe she is wonderful and just!!! THE WAY TARA IS SO GOOD AND LOVING AND GIVING AND MAKES SPACE FOR EVERYONE AND WE DONT TALK ABOUT HER ENOUGH I LOVE HER also the way she's a lesbian :))) what i love about tara btvs is that she's GAY and a WITCH and my BEST FRIEND

least favorite thing about them

the way ok i am Not on board with 's7 is bad' discourse like s7 is GOOD ACTUALLY it's GREAT ACTUALLY but the one place where s7 IS bad is that tara's not there. ... literally there is a tara-sized hole in the show WHERE IS SHE I MISS HER

favorite line

SHE PRACTICALLY HAD GENUINE MOLDED PLASTIC STAMPED ON HER ASS ....... JUST TRYING A LITTLE SPICY TALK

brOTP

TARA BUFFY BEST FRIENDS TARA BUFFY BEST FRIENDS TARA BUFFY BEST FRIENDS

OTP

LOOK ok i have complicated feelings about tillow which is namely that willow isnt good enough for tara..... after all the abuse tara suffered at the hands of her family and at glory, that willow's behavior in s6 breaks my heart a little and it's no coincidence that s6 tara is literally fucking thriving. ... the way s6 is everyone suffering and weeping and meanwhile tara is GLOWING and WINNING THAT BREAKUP

THAT SAID. like... tillow are meeting at literally age like?? 18? 19? theyre in their early 20s in s6?? and it makes sense that theyre not going to be in a place to have the world's healthiest relationship at that point and truly like,,, tara and willow as two girls who always felt WRONG and the way that relates to queerness and also to just being shy and socially inept and the way THEY FIND EACH OTHER. I GOT SO LOST. I FOUND YOU I WILL ALWAYS FIND YOU (just started crying hi i CANT think about amber benson 'i got so lost' without actively weeping crying tearing up sobbing) .... like they LOVE EACH OTHER and CHOOSE EACH OTHER and i truly believe with time and maturity they will grow into healthy wonderful wives :)))

nOTP

tara and any man that's literally a whole lesbian that is THEE lesbian

random headcanon

HORSE GIRL TARA. mythology geek tara :)))) tara who says "oh my gods" instead of "oh my god" every single time :))) tara loves herbal tea and makes blends herself :))) tara has seen joseph campbell's 'the power of myth' documentary more times than anyone else on earth :)))) tara's favorite movie is practical magic. tara has a daughter and she names her after her mom :)))) tara post-chosen gets really into energy healing and she and willow have a house in berkeley and willow's a professor at the university and tara makes teas and does healing and aura readings and buffy and faith send slayers who've experienced trauma in the line of duty to tara's house for healing :))))) tara is very calm except when she plays cards and then she gets really competitive and doesnt know how to tamp it down. I COULD GO ALL DAY (and so could tara my next headcanon is she loves marathon sex no one has ever eaten pussy like tara maclay for her it is an olympic sport I SAID WHAT I SAID)

unpopular opinion

ZIGZAG PART GOOD ACTUALLY.

song i associate with them

bro so many .... landscape (demo) by florence .... garden song by phoebe bridgers .... this year by the mountain goats .... monster by dodie .... stay down by boygenius .... thumbs by lucy dacus ... dreams by the cranberries ... i feel the earth move by carole king .... closer to fine by the indigo girls .... oceanic feeling by lorde ....jackie and wilson by hozier. ....

favorite picture of them

LOOK AT HER SHE'S SO !!!! LOOK AT THIS LESBIAN!! LOOK AT THIS MOTHERFUCKING LESBIAN

[dykeotomy]

Hi!! It's me again!! Re: the ask I sent you long ago about gender sex & pronouns/similarities between libfem & radfem ideology

Logistically pronouns do equal gender, but I think it's the fact of us being able to use certain pronouns while not being that gender: (drawing from personal experience here so maybe this isnt a very valid argument) I for example enjoy being called a he and I really like being confused with a man mainly because it reaffirms my masculinity. As a gnc woman my masculinity being recognized this way is one of the happiest feelings I can get from social interactions & I bet that for many people it's like that too: they enjoy their femininity/masculinity/androgyny being recognized and being so present in how others view them, so going by different pronouns that dont equate your gender is like extending that feeling to almost every interaction you have & not just punctual ones. I feel like pronouns when used in this way are just a way to make us feel a little happier with ourselves.

When talking about an ideal world I feel like a lot of trans people would agree with you (specially non binary people in my experience they are the ones that advocate the most for gender abolition) masculinity/femininity should not make you less of a man/woman (and lets be honest trans people are the first ones to say that femininity≠womanhood/masculinity≠manhood) and it was never about that. It was simply that man is associated with masculinity and woman with femininity and since he/him are the male pronouns they are today associated with masculinity (at least thats the way it feels to me)

I believe the main reason trans people get dysphoria from gender roles is BECAUSE gender itself is associated with femininity/masculinity. I truly believe that if gender roles did not exist a part of dysphoria caused by gender roles would completely disappeared too: then the only dysphoria felt would be related to your biology

(Expanding on this: I dont believe dysphoria is solely caused by society as you believe because to me gender is simply how your brain registers itself: you just *know* you aren't a cat because your brain registers itself as a human. I believe a similar thing happens with gender: your brain registers itself as a man/woman/other and because your body doesnt reflect that it causes distress probably born from the confusion of your brain *thinking* it is male and your body telling it it's female and I think this extends today to social roles. If these were not to exist I dont think trans people would feel dysphoria from wearing a dress or a suit or engaging in certain activities etc. You'd still have the problem of terms like man/woman not feeling right cause in this perfect world they only refer to biology and a trans person's brain would still be confused by these words because it deeply believes its female/male. Another reason I believe transness as a concept doesnt uphold gender stereotypes inherently is the existence of gnc trans people. I think they just demonstrate that transness is born from dysphoria which is just your brain not connecting properly with the reality of your body)

I didn't pretend to ignore that abortion rights are being taken away from females & intersex people deliberately because we have historically been a medically oppressed group I just wanted to point out that this is a time of desperation for us and we should ignore our differences for the time being in the name of the greater good: for me this is why I believe things like queer discourse (aka asexuals being part/not part of the queer community, the whole pansexuality is biphobic debate, queer being used as an umbrella term mspec lesbians etc etc etc) should be topics to discuss once we've accomplished total equality. Of course most of us won't get to see the day where no one has to sit their parents or family and tell them they are gay and can simply bring their partner home one day and no one batting an eye, but we need to think about the greater good for the community: we need to stop the infighting and come together to overthrow heteronormativity & the same goes for feminism I believe that as of now we shouldn't stop and think about anyone's genitals and simply accept all help whether it comes from trans people or not.

I understand your argument about trans men having removed themselves from female spaces, but I think this is more an issue of bodily autonomy more than trans activism: females with dysphoria who took their own decision to transition being denied of their right to keep taking their own informed decisions and I think thats more of the current society's fault than trans activism because they dont advocate for males/females being denied of sex-specific medical care. The only group denying that are the oppressive systems and their aversion towards females making decisions on their own and taking advantage of their own biology (because really why would you adopt when you can already biologically get pregnant? I think this is just females who are comfortable enought with it making use of their biology while still being awarder the right of other respecting the decisions they made with their bodies aka transitioning) -L.A.

as a gnc woman i also get excited when people comment on my androgyny—i remember being a child and an old lady thought i was a boy and it didn’t bother me at all. i really don’t have a problem with people who like being confused for the opposite gender; i think it’s a non-issue. my main concern with pronouns is when we are actively having discussion that are about sex/gender/oppression/sexuality, and pronouns equating to sex are relevant and important

i don’t think trans and nonbinary people who advocate for gender abolition understand what gender abolition really is—either that, or we just have very different ideas of what it looks like. i have seen many trans people say that masculinity/femininity don’t make you less of a woman or man, but this means nothing when they can’t accurately describe what womanhood or manhood ARE. i have no interest in someone saying “a trans woman who doesn’t go on hormones, isn’t feminine, and doesn’t change their wardrobe is still a valid woman bc femininity does not equal womanhood” because nothing about that person’s material reality changed. how can someone be a “valid woman” if womanhood isn’t based in ANYTHING according to these people?

i don’t think gnc trans people prove much other than transness being influenced by social pressure many times. how many gnc people have just given up one day and decided it’d be easier to just live as the opposite gender because being gnc is hard? there’s so many stories like this. it’s really sad imo.

on actual sex dysphoria: mental illnesses should be treated as mental illnesses. i saw someone once compare sex dysphoria to body dysmorphia and it really resonated with me as someone who has an ED. nobody every tried to feed into my delusions about my body because they knew it was bad for me, even though confronting reality made me extremely upset. over time, it got easier. i don’t think there will ever be a day that i don’t find something about my body to nitpick, but my thoughts are manageable and no longer take over my whole existence. i feel as though sex dysphoria should be treated the same. somebody’s brain registering themselves as the incorrect sex does not give them the right to declare that they ARE that sex, because it is simply and factually incorrect. i think these people need genuine, empathetic medical care to get better rather than just being pumped full of hormones and told lies

i think most infighting is stupid but also inevitable. it’s human nature to discuss and debate every single thing that we find worthy of our attention. if it’s not productive discussion, it’s still gonna happen. of course i think that we should be able to put aside our difference in opinions in smaller fights to be able to come together for things that really matter in terms of life/death, but that doesn’t make smaller topics less important when the time is right. i don’t want to have to constantly be debating life altering things. sometimes i do find ace discourse interesting. yes i said it. yes im chronically online. i do see the irony in this

thanks for the ask :)

[misterbitches]

no1cares buuuut this is my blog and i can procrastinate cos im cuteand cool. i am thrilled, truly, that there's respect for women and there's two women that (ostensibly? idk about the kid and where that goes but lets assume lol) like each other to the point where even if i do not feel connected i am glad. and from what emotion i can extract there's things that are fluttery like her looking at the hand

THIS SHOW IS A FUCKING CUTE FUCKING SHOW FULL STOP and its content is consistent and cute.n

it can't mean totally much even in its own standards. but this is how i feel. a critique or critical thinking negates none of that or how lovely it is and they seem.

(as an aside, the real estate agent in episode 2 was so cute to me idk she was hot i have a tendency to think older ppl r hot even tho i dont want them around me. and pran's mom....goaspjihugoaijpg listen LISTEN her face is like serving bitchy-cute and i love it. the girl on the rooftop was beautiful too! and who is that fat girl in the show? idk her name but we love to see it and have eyes (now if only fat people were respected in film and media lolz anyway.....))

rep means nothing and yet so much which is another issue/factor of culturalism as capitalism but it still exists and that means something but is that something enough? well, no. when we think it is is where the distraction comes and the belief in the system and not the people. and i know people are dedicated and not beholden to capital but it's more of what we have ingested in the environment, our own inherent privileges and hierarchical formation inside ourselves and out and how, in an artistic lens, that interacts with the demands of bosses and what one believes their art can propel. it isnt futile to make things—i like some great shit, some bullshit, it's about being entertained or aroused by a work and that means so much to diff ppl—and i am not nihilistic but i am critical of the presentation and the interpretation and the interaction between our interpretation and the too oversimplified connection to societal progress that is needed from this system. everything has meaning whthere we like it or not.

it's just complex and representation as solely visibility or existing in a story but not self determining (and somehow that translating in real life) meaning social progress as default byproduct is not true and it engenders myopia. life comes first, then culture or artists make new ways to get new thoughts out of there and try not to clash the messages and unfortunately that is hard and almost impossible to get right (parasite is a good ex; film about capitalism and buying in [making ppl give u money without you bending instead of selling out and usually that comes with a break when the demands ratchet up from the benefactor so they part] is what radical artists do however he is a misogynist, it still was tons of money, a cost to the environment, and fed into the same imperial hands it criticized with a nihilistic output; the awards circuit alone shows contradiction and that's something we as ppl and he as an artist must contend with. do we want the system or not? or is it simply impossible to leave the rat race?)

we are not ethical under capitalism we just have to try our best to be what we decide we want from the world/future. mine just so happens to be liberation. individual humans = / = society but they are inextricable so we all play a part in these systems/functions and they all have pitfalls and challenges of neoliberalism's formation in identity. another ex: beyonce and the BPP imagery. it was visibility but it was also commodity which directly defies the BPP project and ideology. so what did it do? (shes rich so i love her as she exists but like not her as a black capitalist so i am not interested in the political heaviness it brings as her life is contradictory to it. sorry it's girlboss teas.)

this is a bunch of interconnected thoughts between the show as artistic content and my view and society~(~(~(~(~(**~* because i dont expect much but me thinking and thinking about ways it could have made a stronger impact from a writing-directing standpoint and for a transgressive (IE shaking up and reforming the status quo not reacting to it.) none of this is srs i'm just putting off work and i have adhd and i like to think too much. i know this isnt like grand cinema but still it's a solid show for what it is; for the young'ns and teens! anyway:

but that is never enough and i feel so bogged down by the capital pressure of diversity in media because it is culturalism instead of the human in all its complexities. but i guess this shows a fundamental issue in these dramas and with women and a partner, regardless of gender, that it's kind of...empty to watch. i felt this way for lovely writer too (the girl and boy couplé) because i feel sort of soulless looking at ink and pa together outside of a sororal rship (note1)

as an artist and the closest political identity for me is libcom i am not a person that likes to force things but i think my blackness requires me to understand that i am my center even if others think we are adjuncts. capital treats us as such.

i do not feel a need to see women in shows if they fundamentally disrespect us and don't take into account what women, thai women all thai women in this case being the most important, go through. i do not want "diversity" to be shoved in because it is empty and dictated by not shifting of material conditions and the zeitgeist but just by being around as a need dictated by capitalism to build off of (2)

sexuality is not the end all be all to characters and relationships, it is a facet and it has many things to build off of. just like a man and a woman (heteronormativity) or two men (fetishism by fandom and the commodity of baiting audiences) standing near each other means nothing, it goes for two women (ESP bc for women the formations of friendships socially and culturally all have different ones) and all genders. i do not believe in queer exceptionalism either so just because it isn't exactly cross-gender means nothing in its effectiveness or goodness (3)

that is not to say pairing whoever you want together or wishes is futile or something one cannot do because everyone does!! who the fuck am i?* (4) but i am just saying that sometimes it is just two existences—even if it is supposed to feel like more or is, on paper, more but it isnt achieved.

another thing is that in these shows there is a true lack of two women being friends (and other genders or formations of social gender that are common in thailand btw) because it circles around men. WHY? the androcentrism lol the assumed sexual nature of us all before interpersonal relations not revolving aroudn such

1. to be clear, i see the inklings and sprinklings (i loooved when pa got so flustered and they were laughing and then she leaned back and looked at her) but the establishment wasn't there really for 8eps beyond some of the dialogue 2. this is not one's total goal and i do not believe everyone feels that way but i do believe we have to and do bend to the demands by also ingesting the neoliberal mindset. that being said this is not the total issue at hand here but it is something i see in fandom and i understand wanting that but wanting and the result and its context are v diff things. my critique comes from what is the most important: the material that we see so just because it is novel, and good for the show, doesn't mean i have to enjoy the existence. 3. i don't feel this is happening so directly here and i expect absolutely NOTHING from corporations and dominance in media (/art? but like idk i get iffy on that) but this means that i have a reaction to the content and not just because these people exist in these spaces. believe it or not, women don't just have singular rships dictated by men (BL in this case is assumption of patriarchy, with cross-gender it is the assumption of a women being up for grabs and constant rape) so the cross-gender relationships both platonic, romantically, whatever have to be reworked and worked on and i know that there are attempts and i like it when they mention the modern age lol but the issue is they need to subvert it still! just bc u mention it doesnt mean it's there 4. (unless ur being disgusting with kids but i digress like.) i think two youtubers that have never even met and will never meet and dont know of each other would be cute so like lmaoooo it's natural to be like aw. i mean i am not gonna write fic but ykwim; i get it. there's things i have liked and are on this blog but looking back i see cheap intimacy and shudder (i think history4, 2gether, why r u are big ones to the degree where it is embarrassing to me)

[this bY NO MEANS is me suggesting no romantic rships in BL for women particularly with women so do not misinterpret and even tho i am qu**r (i do not like this word and do not identify with it but it is easier to say) i am still critical otherwise ~art~ even if it's escapist doesn't do its job and it would be absurd to think i have to accept or enjoy everything just from it seeming so. identity ONLY goes so far. later i should probs talk about the idea of these shows being posited as "qu**rs of color"

because they are not of color in their homogenous societies and that is a misunderstanding and a very western view (hows that for people that love to use the word western wrong along with decolonization to underline a false better society before white supremacy and kyriarchy and then include black ppl in the term western bc theyre racist) of race formation ]

btw america is by no means exceptional and i want to insist that every. single. country. in. the. world. has the same issues because of kyriarchy, hierarchy, white supremacy, capitalism and they are all tied together. all of us have different ways of expressing oppression and there are pluses and minuses. america is not exceptional in fact we are fucking trash and no formation of interaction is necessarily better than the other (fatphobia in asia being bonkers insane but part of a larger issue; TERFism in the uk being BONKERS INSANE but part of their colonial bloodshed and a larger issue)

something i have always liked and been jealous of for asian cultures (something as a black person i do not feel often because i like to be respected in my race) that women (and men or people) are a lot more tactile in asia in friendships than in the west particularly in cities. i'm black so it is unfathomable for black men to be at the level of visible intimacy (we have different modes of it) that non-black people do esp those who aren't black americans. for women here, even though we are allowed to be more tactile and that is more normal, it is nowhere near what i have witnessed in shows and in reality. ink and pa holding hands is by absolutely no means uncommon in their society to the point where it confounds me lol

i'm jealous about the way women are allowed to show camaraderie that way and there's so many underpinnings that are terrible in life but i wish that i could easily show love in all the ways i want. the way i have seen women be able to be with other women in asian dramas and the physical connections that mirror it. like it is beyond me and i feel so sad that part of growing up and who i am we have to self-regulate that way. esp when slipping your hand into your friend's when you're younger (kid) meant nothing but love.

catallena by orange caramel is not a song about women in love it's about loving a woman. that doesn't mean we can't build off of that, we can, but me and all my friends that are mostly girls or non-men and qu**r are not IN LOVE even if it would be easier to be. get it? not every interaction is based on what we can get from others in terms of love and sex or that possibility. the lyrics could have deeper meaning easily since that's exactly what it says on the page but that doesn't mean it. in korean media i have seen the term "even as a girl/even as a guy" even though they are very tuned in to gender roles to the point of annoyance (act like man ho ho ho) it's interesting to see the ways we get around that.

I’m bewitched, I’m bewitched I’m bewitched, I’m bewitched The hands that brush by are warm Is she actually nice once you get to know her? My temperamental Catallena Everyone is falling for her Chic and proud, Catallena (Red Sun) (Chic Catallena) Jutti meri oye hoi hoi, I’m bewitched Softly, softly Melting, melting Shivering, shivering Trembling, I want to follow her

it isnt necessarily about her wanting because that's not what life should be about — when we look at someone and think they are pretty or gorgeous it does not mean we have to obtain them or that it means something deeper. i know there are women that are so gorgeous and you know the idea "i don't know if i want to be them or be with them" but with, say, megan thee stallion everything about her is so attractive and i know my attraction comes from a sexual[ity] place but i dont want to be with her. why? (besides the obvious of like not knowing her and her not caring abt me lmao) i am almost 30 and she is 25 and 25 yr olds are annoying. i hate capitalism and celebrity culture so subsequently i dont like any of her famous non-black or terrible black friends. i wouldn't be able to stomach her pop music, i don't tolerate boy bands. i can talk about why i like her but i know it isnt about being with her or wanting that. it wouldn't be possible. we don't know people either so the first conclusion we jump to in our society being obtaining is a farce. i want to be around megan thee, be her friend, it would be cool if i could talk to her about her more artistic side and i think she is genuinely a cool-ass bitch. i would go clubbing with her and i hate clubbing.

i love the "is she actually nice once you get to know her" line because it's about exuding coolness and wanting to be around someone. i have friends that befriended me first and made an effort to be my friend; two of them are now my best friends. it's because they thought the same and have told me—i just really liked you and wanted you in my life. i think you're cool. that's the biggest compliment to me ever lmao and i'd love to have people look at me like that and then get to know me to know that it's not true; i'm just being myself. i am nice once you get to know me. in fact i'm a loser. but they don't want to be with me.

i wish we would be able to not have the gender, social gender, and sexuality so central so these things could be said to denote admiration and possibility—which is why acting is so important and to build chemistry because people have the capacity to be drawn to others. for ex for bad buddy you genuinely believe they like each other because the actors have the capacity to imagine and put in practice through their acting themselves with a man particularly with each other.

that's why acting is so interesting and good; we can go in/out through real/fake but it's still real because we exist as bodies, humans, characters, in a structured world. i can be another person on film and be in love with a man on it and there's a possibility; we have good chemistry; i am okay with kissing him and getting physical because of it. it would be the same with anyone else if i act. it's believing that anything is possible and it comes through naturally if the foundations are there. you can believe i fell in love with this man and that in this fake life wwe could be together but also our real life perceptions seep in so it has meaning in real life. i hope that makes sense. we dont come at it objectively which is why the genuineness is important. there's different ways and styles for that to happen but that is why chemistry is tantamount and that can be built btw even with ineffective actors. so..why isnt it here

so because of that absolutely wonderfulness that allows people to be more physically affectionate ( i cannot stress to you how bizarre it is for me to see this sometimes like whatshisface kissing parn in thanks that DOES NOT HAPPEN lmao whew the diff manifestations of kyriarchy are fascinating) i felt the friendship for ink/pa but i think in my hopes of that relationship became stagnant when i saw the stalled development and a bit of force

everyone has their rships differently and i also think it's due to the actresses and just how strong (to me personally at least) nanon is he has a very tranquil aura and his acting style is really fluid. he elevates so in comparison when an extra element is introduced for others lives (even wai liking pa like lol) it's flat. sidenote: i hope he gets into like idk indie films or something i'd watch that

anyway i think ink is so cute (ok but the hairstylist needs to make her hair less limp like lads it's tv) but i think to emphasize ink and pa a couple of things could have happened outside of casting and stronger acting:

- ink's style in relation to character

clothing being a bit darker

darker makeup — but not typical because every BAD GORL in the history of film and tv around the world wears eyeliner and a smokey eye lmao

can someone please put some volume in this girl's hair

first two points could indicate a more forceful but still playful personality kinda like ting ting from my engineer who is the cutest EVAH and weird but a girl you think is cool and would admire (catallena!!!) kinda like apple's char in DBK in terms of stronger affect (why...have i seen so many of these stupid shows)

- pa's character being cemented in her age/affect;

this is my fundamental issue i think and in terms of prowess because the actress is very small and skinny and she is the same age (give or take a year or 2) as most of the cast but the girl that plays ink (25) is older—acting wise and life wise it's not a big deal in a college setting but that does mean that milk [actress] is way out of that time of their lives

20 and 25 are huge leaps in differences of experience and ink feels more like her true age in comparison to the personage of pa. that's because of both their acting abilities and the writing of the characters

pa is younger than all of them but doesn't seem so bc of the age sameness and her (love's) ability. because of that they try and make her do the younger things—sniping at her bro, living with her bro (...can they not afford it? because that's stupid, they could be roommates but they need their own rooms as adult siblings because it cements independence...that's why if a family can afford it eventually or can make space they want their children to be seperate eventually. when my parents could, as horrendous as they are, they did that) changing from glasses to contacts which lol

maybe an alternative would be:

ink being less mature but still a sister-type figure in the confucianism sense present in asia for relationship formations [the usage of p' and a more gender specific is like in SK with unnie and hyung and the idea that there's always a relation between the societal identity IE i can call you mother if you are older even if you are not my mom]

i think if the reading of ink was more over the top like all the girls are enamored by her in the catallena sense but it grows for pa. i'm thinking a slow mo of blowy hair and ink kicking a dude's ass. the scene with the boys should have been tenser and stronger which is why in appearance i think ink having a darker palette would work and help with the chemistry and acting. not opposites attract but more rebel girl type thing THAT GIRL THINKS SHE'S THE QUEEN OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD; I GOT NEWS FOR YOU: SHE IS

again that song is not romantic or sexual and is a feminist anthem about self-determination (i fucking cannot stand kathleen hanna she is garbage) but we could see how one could be drawn to her for that and that turns into love.

hero-worship turning to love, when done right and not predicated on pederasty, is always a great trope. one of my favs is always a person in power being pursued and rejecting the pursuer so the pursuer moves on but then the pursued realized they like them, they fucked up, so they have to get them back

more time and a consideration on how the audience would read it. for me it is beyond easy to equate their hand holding with romantic/sexual but that is, by no means and by clear evidence in culture, not the exact default even for men if they took their time we could see that evolution but it seems wedged in there with little lines here and there but we need more physical and emotional time

liking/romance/chem

the scene at the place was so cute but the only reason we know ink likes her for sure is the shrimp thing (which like i think it was my translation i aint understand but it was croot) but the music cue for the shrimp thing which is absolutely absurd to me! the previous scene or whatever with wai and him chasing her...they have more tension and chemistry than a build up to inkpa.

i genuinely was like oh they're gonna be together? bait and switch? which would have pissed people off but again i expect nothing from capitalism lol but im thinking: wow it could be a love triangle ish where ink doesn't want him to touch her—could have some romantic/sexual undertones like she likes her as her junior and thinks shes cute and likes touching her—but then they have something because that's how much more tension was introduced but pa wasn't even there.

and when she (ink) looks at wai, and again this is also due to acting ability, it could be read so many ways. jealousy over him liking her because she likes him, jealousy over her (pa) liking him because she likes her but it is not clear enough outside of our brains possibly thinking it within this world.

i think a part of that is also the show knowing people are like bla bla two girls and bla bla and demand (ish) then they do this shit and this is exactly my issue lol bc girl where is the story! u have two men with an establishment that pre-existed but ink also comes out of fucking nowhere and as someone a boy think is cute and admires. like pat me too but...

i just dont get it they should be spending way more time together not at ep 8 and in the photoshoot scene and the cake thing it could have been more clear but it was just flat. this is why we don't ask to do things just for the sake of "representation" when the genre can barely do that itself. this isnt' impossible and i know why people like it so im reiterating that once again but it should have gotten the same pacing that secondary couples get esp when secondary couples can overwhelm the primary couples—not in a bad way!—and people can be obsessed.

here the investment is severely lacking which is why we have to judge this shit the way it should be for anything else. i would complain about the lack of screentime as being robbed but i literally didn't expect anything else and it makes me resent that. the anticipation of the possibility of two women completely overrides any story or deeper investment just by virtue of them being there which is an issue in dramas for any gender but particularly when the whole world is so male-dominant yet marketed towards teen girls

and i hate to say this because i think people will majorly disagree but for me it's so vague. her reticence is "stay away from her" but not supported by anything else when it could be particularly underlined that she doesn't want pa to be bothered by stupid men who fall in love at first sight because theyre idiots ???

anyway i'm not into using heteronormativity as a catch all to encapsulate the hierarchy in the world because it is more than that. we exist because we exist and deserve to which means we have full lives not evolving around the concept of how much we may desire or want to be with others. my issue and i think this is my critique of queerness in culture esp when it so heavily ignores race and anti-blackness and so heavily centers phallicism, androcentrism, patriarchal dominance (power = sex and we should all just be having sex with each other bc that's what being queer is. but also just men thanks foucault! real good job tearing down capitalism there!) this is why identity only goes so far it is how we interact with the world. it's not that a gay man cannot write two women together but it's about the will and demand and time. that takes investment and the investment in the story is about how much it will be consumed and so capital dictates these women's interactions so we're operating under the same modus operandi

i really like kathleen hanna's manifesto [even though she's trash and racist and courtney love hates her (even tho courtney is also trash and racist and crazy but listen hole is HOLE!!)]

BECAUSE we are interested in creating non-heirarchical ways of being AND making music, friends, and scenes based on communication + understanding, instead of competition + good/bad categorizations. BECAUSE doing/reading/seeing/hearing cool things that validate and challenge us can help us gain the strength and sense of community that we need in order to figure out how bullshit like racism, able-bodieism, ageism, speciesism, classism, thinism, sexism, anti-semitism and heterosexism figures in our own lives. BECAUSE we see fostering and supporting girl scenes and girl artists of all kinds as integral to this process. BECAUSE we hate capitalism in all its forms and see our main goal as sharing information and staying alive, instead of making profits of being cool according to traditional standards. BECAUSE we are angry at a society that tells us Girl = Dumb, Girl = Bad, Girl = Weak. BECAUSE we are unwilling to let our real and valid anger be diffused and/or turned against us via the internalization of sexism as witnessed in girl/girl jealousism and self defeating girltype behaviors. BECAUSE I believe with my wholeheartmindbody that girls constitute a revolutionary soul force that can, and will change the world for real.

[strawberry1212]

“IU - Celebrity” Analysis

THE QUEEN HAS RETURNED!!!

I know it’s unhealthy to simp for celebrities...but IU is an exception. I have been rewatching her new comeback an unhealthy amount of times so I thought I’d share some things/details/background info :))

1) Background

So IU wrote about the lyric writing process this time and OMG I have to copy and paste her whole statement bc it’s so beautiful:

"I have a friend who has often been treated as an eccentric person due to her eye-catching outfit, her unique taste, dynamic talents, defensive mechanisms stemming from shyness, and a personality that clearly knows her preferences. I loved her even more because of these unique characteristics of hers, but for the same reasons, she has been living under more scrutiny and hateful eyes. These are the words I wanted to tell my 'unusual friend' that turned into the lyrics to this song but as I worked on the song, I realized that this is also my story as well. After completing the song, I thought that anyone can be the main character to this song. I'm sure everyone has felt left out at least once in their lives because they dont' meet the standards others have made. I want to tell everyone, including my friend, who were born rough around the edges but special. You are not a person from the star (common saying in Korea to mean someone weird/different) but are like a star."

OK THIS IS SO CUTE!! Because like first of all it’s so poetic...the play on words with you are not from the star, but a star yourself. And the fact that we are getting yet another song from IU that is not another romantic song. One of my long standing frustrations with the music industry (American, Korean, and Japanese), is songs tend to always center around romance, and IU tends to break those stereotypes (Bbibbi, Palette, 23, I-Land, 8, just to name her title tracks), and not only that but the fact that this is about her friend is just so beautiful T_T. Also did anyone else think of Sulli when they read this? Sulli was known for her eccentricity, different style, and being misunderstood, but the translation writes “I have a friend” in the present tense...so idk. 

And just her wanting her fans/listeners to feel like the main character (ಥ﹏ಥ) (I’m not crying you are). This is especially such an important message for Korean and Asian fans in general. I only have my experience in Japan to speak to, but Asian collectivist cultures really punish those who stray from the norm, which not only ends up discouraging those from being unique and themselves, but also impedes social progress (feminism, environmentalism, social justice, animal rights, etc.). 

And I also think it’s key where she wrote “as I worked on the song, I realized that this is also my story as well,”--more on that theme later when I break down the music video.

2) Music Video Analysis

The star motif

So she sort of does a play on words by putting a lot of star stuff in, star being another word for celebrity. And as the lyrics “You're a star painted with a left hand,” she’s talking about how this person isn’t the perfect/usual star, but perhaps a crooked/left-handed one...like the one shown to dot the “i” in the first image of the music video:

The star motif also features later around 1:09 in her dance, she draws a star with her finger.

The music video story

So basically it seems IU is playing two people--one is herself, a celebrity type figure dressed in glam clothes, and the other is the unique, “star” character (a stand in for her friend that she wrote the lyrics about). IU sings about the “star,” “A troubled outsider The walk, the style Through the earphones The music is all minor You have no idea Above your lowered head What the bright lights are Shining towards.”

The music video shows IU in glamorous clothes:

While this “star” character is in her unique/non-glam clothing, walking through the crowd.

We can also sense IU’s isolation, she’s dressed like a princess in this glamorous pastel pink room, but she is alone, and the lights flash almost ominously outside, like the constant threat of paparazzi/people always surrounding her wanting to look in on her life:

Or how the clothing racks gradually disappear, revealing her standing alone worriedly:

The next we see IU standing off to to the side (I believe it’s IU bc she’s in an undercover outfit, but it’s clearly very glamorous), as she hides from fans chasing her:

When the crowd passes, she looks around and catches sight of “star” IU, and is seemingly very taken by her unique beauty:

IU chases the “star,” but loses sight of her, and is once again alone:

The irony here is that a) despite being adored and chased by many, the celebrity IU feels alone, and that b) despite being this glamorous celebrity, celebrity IU adores this unique “star,” that is just living her life, and not universally adored like celebrity IU. Celebrity IU almost seems envious of her freedom and unique style. But as the lyrics say, she also is upset at the way society treats the unique “star:”

“Your weary face looks like/ Someone powered you off/ The heartbeat went too quiet/ The glow you have/ The imagination, identity/ Are on a diet” “

These lyrics I had the most trouble with...I think it means the “star”’s imagination and unique identity are being starved/mistreated by society, like they are being forced to put on a diet. 

Next we have:

“You have no idea/ Still not fully bloomed/ Written for you/ A bygone love poem” as celebrity IU works, it seems, on a love poem for the “star.”

Here the star motif features pretty literally, as she is surrounded by her poem writing as the stars fall across the sky. The “written for you, a bygone love poem” could also be a reference to IU’s other song, Love Poem? Also going back to how this could reference Sulli, I could help but be reminded of how IU wrote the song “Peach” about Sulli’s beauty and how much she adored her friend. 

Next we see IU in front of this huge tapestry of celebrity IU, but this time she is wearing a dress studded with stars, and looking further up. She passes through the tapestry, and this could be like a sign of her growth? Like moving past her huge blown up celebrity image of herself to find her true self in a star studded dress?

She then enters into a dark vacuum where she is surrounded by people dancing with lights (another continuation of the star motif):

I think this is the turning point to the music video. Because now it is celebrity IU surrounded by stars. The next scene shows the people (all the people that once chased her) simply walking past her on the steps, perhaps alluding to how fame is ephemeral. She looks unsure and insecure here.

The next scene is most steeped in symbolism; she is in the same room that she was in alone before looking out at the city, but now the curtains are drawn (symbolizing privacy?) and IU reaches out towards an identical version of herself. Now the line between celebrity IU and “star” IU becomes blurred:

It seems that the left is “star” IU, and the right is celebrity IU, who continues to pine and look up to an almost indifferent “star” IU. “Star” IU gets up to leave, and morphs back into her “star” outfit from the beginning of the video, re-affirming that this is in fact “star” IU.

When celebrity IU notices she’s gone, she rushes up to find her (again paralleling her chase at the beginning of the music video), but when she goes to where “star” IU disappears, she is simply confronted with a mirror: she was the unique star all along!

In a sense, the message here could be that our own unique beauty may seem obvious to everyone else (the viewer knew that “star” IU was the same person (IU) as celebrity IU all along, but it took celebrity IU the whole music video to figure it out.

Almost as if this whole sequence has been inside celebrity IU’s head, she seems to come to this realization on a red carpet surrounded by flashing cameras:

Here she breaks the fourth wall, looking directly at the camera, as if to now realize: “I have been my own unique “star” all along.” She looks at the camera as the music sings, “you are my celebrity,” perhaps to mean that the viewer is her celebrity, or that she herself is her own celebrity, and runs off, away from the cameras (as if running away from her fame for a moment), in her beautiful red dress, free and confident at last. In the past she has always been running to chase “star” IU, but now she seems to be running simply for herself:

Messages/themes:

I think there are a couple of final messages here, and it is truly to IU’s credit that she was able to pack so many themes/messages into one music video. I think the dynamic I’m most interested in is how it runs the age old theme of the harms of celebrity fame, but it puts a very unique twist on it. While it shows the isolating aspects of fame, it also has a positive spin, that the love and affection bestowed upon celebrities isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but rather that we should redistribute that love and affection towards those closest to us, and see each other the way IU saw her friend. It also shows that fame and adoration don’t matter when you are insecure in yourself, given the irony of celebrity IU chasing after “star” IU.

This message that what matters most is cherishing and being cherished by those closest to you is interesting, because it can apply to both celebrities and non-celebrities. Celebrities may be adored, but it can be superficial, so they need the genuine love of close friends. Conversely, non-celebrities may feel super connected to their celebrities, but ultimately they need real life close friends. I think the message serves to both humanize celebrities in this way, while also saying that non-celebrities, and even weird/eccentric people, are deserving of the love and adoration we usually only reserve for picture-perfect celebrities.

I think perhaps the most poignant part, is the message of self-love: how at the end she realized that perhaps despite being pigeon-holed in certain ways as a public figure, she can reclaim her unique, beautiful parts. How we can be envious of others who seem set on their unique path and unafraid, but that we are unique and different too.

Also can we talk about how she served LOOKS!!! All of those outfits were GOLD. Anyways, I hope her music and its message reverberate with people who feel undeserving as “outsiders” and being eccentric. Being different is amazing. And as IU suggests, even though we may not be pop stars, we are all “celebrities” to someone. As the saying goes, “to the world you may just be one person, but to one person you may be the world.”

[istherewifiinhell]

@joelleity whomp i had to much to say i dont wanna make it fit as a reply the girl from the other side spoilers

(hoping desperately to be coherent) 1. i meant essenstialist. gotta look when im doing spellcheck better so basically i don't for a moment thing that the text is actually saying death decay is feminine and life construction is masculine or that either structural form of religiosity is bad. i think we see that both forms of religion have peace and fulfillment to them, but also. dont sacrifice someone to ur god lmao. shit sucks. and same of like. life and death, i mean, the black children are really truly quite genderless. with albert and shiva being the exceptions and then. any time we are seeing anything good from insiders its not really patriarchal. like, most of them are guys yeah. but its outside of the wielding power aspect

part of my reading on this whole thing is that. its letting us, readers, , understand our (and thats loosely, western influenced cultures) our connections with death, and how power works to prevent, provide, and use it against us. like my thing the whole time was not understanding, is being cursed WORSE than death? cause the inside will kill you if they think you've been cursed. no palliative care, no time for consideration. and the only reason i think the king thing works is we see how clueless he is, vis a vis the curse, and how he understands at least if the goal is to save lives (still viewing the cursed as s life forfeit) you have to separate the infected from the not.

but its not that that the outsiders we know are actually living like black children, which i think is the hint that our society isn't predestined to be death adverse (and also xenophobic). the culture as it is. doesn't require it. the people who take albert in and then through albert himself, and on to shiva and auntie. and fuck well the king himself. i mean they all have at least some degree of the cultural markers that make them insiders but they don't let it rule them. the king in fact importantly. actually dies for his convictions. and its sad, but also fulfilling. cause he did what he needed to do.

and for the black children side of it. i think the mother part just helps. lack of a better term. humanize them. cause its easy to conceptualize loving a mother. and to show they are alive with birth imagery. but most of the words we would classify them with. i dont they would classify themselves with. this. unfortunately ties into a conversation (with same friend) about star wars. how main culture depicted doing the force outside the jedi and the sith is a sisterhood of witches. and. god star wars writing sucks. but anyway. point is. they are labeled dark side users. even tho its like. to them the force doesn't work that way. so like. the idea. monstrous beings that symbolize our sickness our death. they worship strangely, they spend time devoid of meaning, aimless and wandering. like… no. they are just guys. they are literally their own extant form of life. they have their own believes. part of it that literally every single one of them has a duty to perform while they are alive. now. that does involve talking the parts of their mother back to her. but still, the idea that this is a stable culture that doesnt need to exert control and use fear on its members. it doesn't need to hide knowledge from them. it is assumptions from both us as readers and as a deliberate technique and use of power from the patriarchs of the inside. that black children be seen as our radical opposites, as anathema to "human life". to better stoke the death aversion and xenophobia. (maybe)

[nothorses]

hey sorry if it comes off as weird, but i'm a bit desperate. i had a real bad time figuring out my identity growing up and for like, the past 4~5 years i've become really comfortable and happy whenever i referred and thought of myself as a gay nb trans man; i experience legit gender euphoria whenever ppl address or acknowledge me as such, and the most connection i feel is to gay/bi men/men-aligned ppl. that said, i've struggled with obsessive/intrusive thoughts since i'm like, 12~13 due to (1/?)

a phobia, and they often appeared when i was already feeling low/stressed/anxious over unrelated stuff. y'know when you're having a good time and suddenly your brain goes 'oh hey, remember that thing you have doubts about and makes you distressed? and you think it's not true? well, here it is again (: you're welcome!'. that's it.

so social isolation due to the pandemic has taken a toll on my mental health and recently i have been... struggling a lot not only with dysphoria (i was supposed to start hrt last year but it was postponed due to, well), but also with obtrusive/intrusive thoughts over 'how i'm faking it, i am actually a cis lesbian' (i never felt attracted truly to women, even tho i had kissed two before, and i am Positively attracted to men in a way i can only describe as 'gay').

it has gotten to a point where i cannot think about, y'know, woman characters from stuff i like that i feel like this is somehow a sign i'm actually a lesbian; i have been dreaming a lot of situations i'm either framed as a lesbian or a straight girl, i have been hyperaware of how cis ppl perceive me (pre-transition, as 'girl') and obsessing over little shit like, if women are looking at me in certain ways when i have to go out (sometimes even 'wishing' it, as if it wanting to 'prove' anything).

i feel...... exhausted, none of these make me feel good, all of this makes me feel distressed. i get dreadful when i take 'lol ur lesbian' results at stupid internet quizzes too. i feel like i cannot talk to anyone about it bc i feel like they're gonna try to feed me either 'internalized lesbophobia' or terf rhetoric, which is smth im v aware of, and part of the reason i've been obsessing over as well.

i had mild doubts about stuff before (like if i was rly a binary trans guy or nb, or if i was bisexual) but none was... like this, y'know.  i was also dumb and read a bbc article about detransitioning ppl which opened with 'studies say most trans ppl dont doubt' etc. featuring two cis lesbians that detransitioned after entering a relationship with one another. i feel rly rly rly dreadful i wish i could go back to feeling like myself (gay and guy) like i did before.

i'm sorry for the longest fucking ask btw, and also, tumblr hadnt let me send the rest for like, Hours, i'm deeply sorry

[Edited for formatting]

I think a lot of this is very normal, especially for transmascs.

We’re constantly fed this idea that we can’t really trust our own perception of reality, that we don’t know ourselves as well as others do, and that the things we believe about ourselves are temporary, silly, and “signs” of some deeper reality that someone else knows for us. It’s only natural that we’d internalize some of those feelings, and struggle to trust even the most irrefutable evidence of our own realities.

If it helps to have some tools in those moments, a couple of reminders:

Cis girls do not typically dread the idea of being girls. They might dread the social repercussions or expectations, they might hate girls who look/act in certain ways, but they do not typically hate that they are girls.

If you are feeling dread over the idea that you might be attracted to women, you probably aren’t! It’s good to work on feeling more at peace with the possibility, because orientation can be very fluid for some folks, and being ready to accept yourself if things change takes a lot of pressure off- but if you don’t want to be with women, you just literally do not have to be with women. For any reason. Even if you are “secretly” attracted to them, if you don’t want to be with them anyway, you simply do not have to be.

Trans people experience doubt. We experience it all the time. We experience it pretty much endlessly! Maybe there are trans folks who never, ever doubt their genders, and I’m very happy for them; but that’s the exception, not the rule, in my experience. This study talks about the steps toward trans self-acceptance, and finds each step is an ongoing process, and often a back-and-forth. It was very comforting for me to recognize the patterns & know I’m not alone.

The focus on AFAB detransitioners is driven by transandrophobia. Because saving the “poor little girls” is a compelling motivator in a misogynistic society. Most detransitioners are actually folks who were AMAB, and found the societal pressure and backlash was too overwhelming, or made things too unsafe, for them to carry on with their transitions. Most detransitioners, period, are people who had to stop because of safety issues, or lack of access to their transition needs.

It’s very normal to go through periods of high doubt, and periods of high self-assuredness. You may just have to ride this out; surround yourself with as much support and love as you can, remind yourself that those fears aren’t really based in reality, and be kind to yourself during this difficult time. Try to make choices that prioritize your mental and emotional health.

You will get through this period of doubt, and come back to finding love and joy in your identity again! It might just take a little time & patience.

(Also no worries over the sending confusion; Tumblr’s a lil broken sometimes, and it’s genuinely not even remotely an issue.)

[drabbles-of-writing]

Dont be shy go off About The society Au you got my attention :>

FUCK YEAH LETS GO tying this in w the other ask abt what Luz’s cyberpunk mask looks like-

Luz’s mask looks very similar to this one but with no horns and its more pointed and looks far more canine-like. to the point where if you slapped fur on it, it could make a pretty convincing dog animatronic. if Luz opens her jaw a certain way and sort of ‘locks’ it into place, the mask connects with her jaw and moves when she speaks. she can ‘lock’ her jaw again to close it. though she normally only opens it to shove random items she doesn’t want to risk being discovered/falling out of pockets. shes the “what do you have in your mouth” meme.

SO BASICALLY theres this mind controlling Thing Bug Whatever going on. if you know Inside or Blackout Club, yknow what im talking abt. the government (emperors coven) started doing Experiments to see if it would work and wants to make it so that when they are mind-controlled enough they truly just become Husks. just corpses they can manipulate bc if they aren’t ‘real people,’ that will be far more palpable for the rest of the world to get used to if they think its just corpses or the sick that simply can’t be saved, and that this is somehow a mercy for them. but they’re testing on like. actual people. the Boiling Isles, which was like a whole tri-state area or somethin big like that, was made up of multiple different towns. it was on the coast n marsh so they were kind of ‘islands’ here and there, especially a couple hundred years ago. the name stuck. out of all the towns, Bonesborough is the only one still standing. the others are full of abandoned buildings, overgrown plants, and the smell of burning flesh and decay everywhere. nobody in Bonesborough is aware of this. they are virtually stuck in the town since they have ‘everything they need’ there and are basically brainwashed (not in the mind control sense) to stay in the town, bc the government just Won’t Let Them Leave. the doubters are told its bc there are dangerous infections running about so the town needs to stay where it is until the threat is ‘neutralized.’  only the adults are used in mind-control experiments, as they kinda like. need the children to become adults and make more children. also since their minds are still developing they have NO IDEA what could happen if they try to mind-control them. plus like,,,,nobody would ever get used to the idea of corpse mind-controlled children. so Luz & the gang are safe, but at the cost that They Know.

there are a couple labs scattered here and there throughout the Boiling Isles, some are abandoned, most are wrecked as all hell (courtesy of shit fucking up & Luz’s gang fucking it up), and they’re the only real government in the area. Belos leads the thing, obv. scientists are all about and Lilith is part of them. she and Eda were part of one of the other towns in the Boiling Isles but once the scientists came Lilith became interested and doesn’t know the Full story. like how the mind control is going to be used to be labor and fucked up experiments beyond the mind stuff and also that like. they plan to virtually make them brain-dead. Lilith is still fucked up for wanting to mind-control people but she has no idea they basically want corpses. and, well, she joined so she wouldn’t get mind controlled and wants to take Eda into the government so they won’t hurt her. hard times. Eda stuck it out and lives just outside Bonesborough, surviving on her own and constantly flipping off the scientists. she can manage to only be somewhat mind controlled (basically the Curse) but it still causes Problems

Odalia & Alador work w/help fund the project so the Blight sibs are like. right in the thick of it. they also only have like half an idea of whats going on but they know its Bad but what the Hell can they do?? who knows maybe this’ll just be abandoned someday theres already a ton of problems. so when Luz and the Gang start purposefully wrecking shit, they grab the “useless Blights”, give them some weapons and sick outfits, and tell them to go take care of the problem. Luz has a LOT of fun teasing Amity you have no idea. the two are idiots and often Luz accidentally ends up as the distraction while Willow & Gus do the work they actually came there to do.

[bigskydreaming]

I’m still thinking through names I like for Cass better than Orphan or Black Bat (which I don’t hate like I do Orphan, but I’ve always felt that the name Black Bat came more out of just ‘come up with something franchise themed’ than trying to find something for Cass specifically), for when she’s not Batgirl or Steph is instead. Not for any particular project or anything, I’ve just been stuck on that train of thought since falling onto it the other day.

I think I’ve given up on it being Red themed lol. My dreams for Batfam symmetry are doomed to come to naught. C’est la vie.

Currently though most of the ideas I have are all central to or revolving around communication or connection, because I honestly think those are thematically so PIVOTAL to who Cass is.....but the danger is something like that coming across as ironic due to Cass not being particularly talkative in a lot of peoples’ interpretations or views, and its absolutely not meant to be, not for the reasons I’m thinking.

Like because the thing about her childhood is....there’s so much to focus on that was fucked up about what David Cain put her through, its impossible to have a specific place to ‘start’. But I think something that definitely at least has to be way up there is the isolation he forced her to live most of her early life in. Deprived of even the POSSIBILITY of connection to others. Because connection is so fundamental to what makes us human. As well as to what makes Cass “Cass.” Cass THRIVES due to the connections she chooses for herself. Don’t get me wrong, she’s fully capable on her own, its not about suggesting she’s reliant on them.....for me, its more about the triumph of her having the freedom and CHOICE now to connect herself to as many people as she chooses, when originally her father had meant for her to basically exist APART from society. Emphasizing the importance of connection and communication to Cass is like, a definite fuck you to her dad and his plans for her, a symbol of her freedom and independence. 

But also its not JUST that, because its also just about the sheer joy of connecting for Cass, because its the fulfillment of dreams she never really expected to become reality. Because as much as her life with David defined a large portion of her childhood, she was also shaped in no small part by the years she spent on her own....where even though she was out from under Cain’s thumb, she was still influenced by the specter of him and everything he’d ever said to her. She kept herself apart from society for the most part, even though now technically she was free to mingle among it if she chose....because she felt guilt-ridden over the death she’d been party to though it had never truly been her fault and she was very much Cain’s victim there as well as the man who died, rather than him being her victim.

But the point is, a lot of the second half of her childhood was spent in silence as well, albeit self-imposed silence....except also no, fuck that, it wasn’t self-imposed because she was still suffering from the trauma of her worldview being so heavily shaped and influenced by her abusive fucknugget of a father, who’d essentially spent years convincing her that words weren’t for her, that communication, that connection, those were things for people other than her but would forever elude her because she just wasn’t BORN to partake in those things. She stayed outside of society, made no real effort to figure out if she COULD learn to communicate like others did, because her abuse in no small part had revolved around making her believe it was just her place to be silent, her role. That a weapon didn’t need words.

So in the family and fulfillment Cass found later in Barbara and Bruce and Steph and others, like.....it wasn’t just about her finding companionship or even a sense of purpose or direction......she found a voice. Even if she speaks more with sign than out loud or even if she has trouble translating her thoughts into words or sign language due to learning disability or the like, Cass very much COMMUNICATES, she connects, she has things to say, and she more than anyone understands the importance of a voice, whether spoken or written or signed, of the power inherent in just being able to use it and express oneself.

And its equally key that Bruce and Babs and others didn’t GIVE that to her, because how could they? It was something she had all along because the reality is no matter how hard he tried, it was something Cain couldn’t truly take from her. All he could do (and make no mistake, I use “all he could do” to emphasize the ultimate failure of his attempts to control her rather than to dilute the extent of trauma his abuse did inflict) - but even his attempts to cut her off from people and isolate her via an inability to communicate.....they relied wholly on denying her the tools and opportunities to learn how to make use of her voice, of the things she wanted and needed to say. 

So its not a gift that Babs and Bruce bestowed on her, because it wasn’t something anyone COULD give her anymore than it could fully be taken from her. But they did help her find that she had things to say and she had ways to say them. That she deserved to be heard and understood as much as anybody, and that she had so much in her that had just been waiting for someone to tell it to and ways for her to do that. They helped show her how to connect her voice to the right audiences for it, to communicate to people who would hear her and as Batgirl and Black Bat.....to people who NEEDED to hear her. For whom the things she could communicate via her actions and protection as much as anything else.....like that was a message they needed to hear themselves due to the abusers and villains in their own lives.

And I just see that as so.....triumphant for Cass is the word I honestly keep going back to the most.

I’ve called Dick’s approach to vigilantism his form of performance art. Carrying something that holds great importance to him even if others might overlook its significance, into what he does as a vigilante in ways that everyone he helps benefits from. Even if they don’t realize that his light-hearted performances even while sweeping them out of the path of danger is as much to help buffer them from the trauma of what is happening to them and how much they’ve already suffered.....those are as much a part of his aim to protect and make peoples’ lives better as his actual martial arts.

In the same sense, I consider Cass’ approach to vigilantism her form of connectivity. Its her message to people who need to hear, to see, to believe that there is help for them out there, that there is someone who wants to come for them, someone who wants to bring them out of whatever hole or isolation or danger they’ve fallen or been forced into....they need this as much as Cass needs it to be able to say look at me, look at my actions, I did that, I said that, that was ME.

For Cass, I feel vigilantism is about finding her voice, finding ways to put into message form others can understand even on a primal level the things she wants to communicate, that she wishes had been communicated earlier to her...that everyone deserves to be connected, to have connections, and to just....speak. In whatever form they can or choose to.

Its about the ability and freedom to use her voice, to impart her messages....and see those things have IMPACT. Be heard. Seen. Communicated.

And for those reasons I keep coming back to something like Songbird, but its ugh....its such a Catch 22. It would be so easy to misconstrue, but honestly I think it fits what I’m describing so well and like.....whatever, ultimately it doesn’t matter since this is just a headcanony thing anyway and not going to actually change anything, but like....I am The Undecided.

(Also I know Marvel already has a Songbird, but a) I dont care, like Marvel is stupid so umm why would that even matter yeah thats what I thought and b) I mean Songbird is an easy name to attach to any color one wants to make part of her name and ascribe particular significance to. Like she could be Red Songbird? Scarlet Songbird? Yes? No? Give up the dream Kalen, Big Red, Middle Red and Lil’ Red just ain’t it? Ugh, fine. Booo.)

But anyway, that’s what I’ve been musing on.

[vr2]

haha anyways genshin must be on some wild fucking shit if they think theyre gonna try and drag out their main story for like 2 years. on god having like half a year between main chapters of its already weak spindly little story is like mindboggling decision i do not trust your storytelling skills at all to make any of the hype worth it but i also think thanks to the general playerbases inability to read they will continually feel disappointment at how poor genshins main story content is and how it is purveyed to the reader especially in comparison to the lore which is completely jarring in quality of delivery.

in the archon quest at the end of liyue chapter you get a lore dump from zhongli where he just stands there and gives you like 3 quest prompts about shit that exists for no reason other than idk “they needed to put the plot threads in there asap and they forgot they had an entire world to do it in” and then that mf disappears. forever. literally exiled from the overworld unless you pay like ninety quid to summon him on his banner. not to mention every single other npc you meet will never appear again outside of their instanced quests. it’s such a weird jarring end point that you’re left stranded in and its not only a frustratingly awkward delivery, it honestly just seems pointless. why couldn’t there have been an extended epilogue that involves talking to the npc character FROM inazuma, talking to beidou who is a pirate with an electro vision about idk ... travel and her ELECTRO vision being granted which is a feat she in known for in the lore of liyue folk. it could even be someone from the qixing like ningguang who surely would know about the status of foreign nations or keqing who has an electro vision and would absolutely have something to say about baal’s stance on things and her condescension towards humans. god it could still even be zhongli just space it out, let him invite us to dinner and chat over liyue cuisine and let inazuma come up naturally thgouh paimons huge appetite to eat new things. not only would the pacing be better, the plot threads be put in a way where you dont immediately forget them because they’re being rapidfire talked at you, but it would be a great way to make the character seem like theyre people with lives and not just trying to move the plot along and be on their way.

conversely, the story of arundolyn and rostam, the legends of mondstadt and the ordo favonius, the lion and the wolf, the building hints towards the cataclysm of khaenri’ah and what kind of nation earned the scorn of the gods -- its all slowly fed to you piece by piece linked through artifacts, world lore, in-game books, weapons and sometimes the world itself. you uncover things as you explore and the more thoroughly you explore - the more you discover! it’s rewarding, it feels natural and its some of the most fun you have piecing together stories and building out this strange world like some kinda anime historian and it encourages theorycrafting rather than a concrete set of events and characters being straightforward. its genuinely interesting that theres a whole society and cast of characters from the days of yore who are intimately connected with our current cast and the world we live in but also very much their own interesting characters who hold their own legacies and wills, carving them into the stars for ill or good.

its almost as if the main quest writers and the lore writers are completely separate, work on different floors and they dont ever meet because why ... why on earth would you deliver critical parts of the main story in such a blatantly poor way and make it have none of the nuance and intrigue as the worldbuilding? in a game that is designed for the express purpose of making people sympathetic and invested with characters to spend silly money on them? you think your paper thin story is going to let you do that? no gacha game is allowed to have storytelling subpar to the most average middle of the pack lightnovel and get away with being a gacha game. your story has to have at least a few moments where i am dazzled, daresay fucking delighted, at least a second where i have to stop and say ‘this is cool as hell’ or ‘FUCK ITS HAPPENING’ or else it is well and truly expendably worthless non-product! you have to be a little more ambitious than making some normie shit and try and make the story have a little heart! i dont doubt that they can do it, im sure there are talented writers there since i like a lot of the characterisations but man, let em free you need them no more than ever

the only thing i can think of that explains how watered down the story feels in comparison to lore, is a fear of making people ‘read too much’ in the main quests which honestly doesnt seem to be much of an issue to them. lanternrite wasnt that long but the sheer amount of npc dialogue feels staggering because its all ultimately ... inconsequential. we have no investment into these npcs and theres like 15 odd quests of it, it goes from cool world flavour text to genuinely feels like its taking up space all because they are trying to endear you to the lives of these generic npcs when you’d rather know like even one thing about chongyuns life and daily routine or xinyans performances. being able to see kaeya for one second even was the most fun and even then i was still disappointed cause its like bro? you didnt even let him do anything and it was JUST him? in the world there are so many characters explicitly referenced but never utilised and it makes their complete absence even more noticeable and frankly fucking baffling? not even fate episodes for all of our 12 SRs? actually nevermind, even the character stories are somehow unforgivably generic!

honestly i feel like the best event so far was the unreconciled stars event but by my standards it definitely felt like ‘solid gacha game event story’ with a touch of something more interesting with the inclusion of scaramouche’s lore insight. i was hoping this his how events would be in genshin, i really thought that this was the ‘standard’ but for some reason, its beginning to seem like that event was a bit of an outlier? i would gladly take less events and have them be more like the unreconciled stars event, with character interactions and slowly improving and hashing out who these characters are over never-ending carousel of random events that are mostly fetch-quests or fluff.

idk man its just a strange mess of me enjoying genshins world and theorycrafting, loving playing the game and exploring but feeling like the ball is not bein dropped but violently slammed into the ground by the sheer lack of character content whilst being praised by everyone under the sun for ‘story’ and ‘characters’. m*hoyo do better bitch! you already made such a good roster of characters now fuckin do something with them! stop releasing new characters without bothering with any of the existing ones! i beg of you!

[darlington-v]

HELLO YES IS ONE OF(?) THE FELLOW TRANSMASC BEEDUO ENJOYERS, RESPONDING AFTER A MULTIDAY DELAY.

CANT BELIVE THAT HANDHOLDING SHIT.

As someone else who has (on a certain level) like, made that connection, of someone I can be very affectionate with, but am still in the gender closet with for various reasons. I can absolutely understand your impulse and the preassure... a lot of my hesitation is based around a fear of going against some kind of perceived "ground work" in that relationship. And then I get frustrated because in this relationship and others i just would not have to think so much about this and how I present myself if I had just been born a cisguy. I am also just yearning for bro friendships where I'm just perceived as a dude from the get-go, even if I end up acting ""feminin"" or some shit.

But when I think about all the relationships I've had, I wouldn't want to have "skipped over" any of them, even if I wasn't, or didn't start by presenting my truly authentic self. I can't bring myself to regret or fully resent any of those connections, even if in my heart I can't always regard them as 100% "valid" or "genuine" in the context of how I know I was/am perceived and how I present. I dunno, I hope that makes sense, and helps in some way... I guess what im trying to say is, even if I have wishes and yearnings of how things could be different, I still am happy to have had the relationships I've had.... and I know ill just keep meeting new folks and either things will work out or they wont, and that'll be ultimatly for the best...

But hughu its also kinda silly when I think about it, that some internet dudes make me confront and think about all this shit. But it also does make sense too.

I don't know its very hard to explain, feel free to just ignore all this.

yes!!!! i TOTALLY understand this!

it's really frustrating because i would love to seek out other communities and environments that may lead into relationships similar to that of like??? SAME AFFECTION????? but im afraid to put myself out ANYWHERE new because i don't want to be perceived as like... woman-lite or anything. i don't want anyone to have to rethink how they perceive me i just wanted to present in the way that i feel.

similarly to what you said, i don't want to build something on "ground-work" i know i'll have to break down and like. make the REAL ground work pretty much?

and yeah! same! i get frustrated as well because it would just be much easier to deal w/ if i was just. cis. but i don't dwell on that too much, luckily

however i still run into the same issue: (more long winded venty shit below, ur invited to me being extremely vulnerable on the internet have fun)

how can i deal with this and make this easier for myself? is it... achievable even? like! yeah! how can i simply start new relationships with this... pre-established certainty of "that is a Boy! a BONAFIDE boy!" like... not even cis but just.

i struggle with the idea that most people who aren't trans will like... not... TRULY respect my identity? like behind closed doors. which is something i know a lot of trans people struggle with and honestly that is... our own issue in regards to trust. if no one throws and red flags that they don't actually respect your identity, then you really just have to trust that they do.

it's just... honestly putting conditions on like. your trust i guess. PERSONALLY. like im putting conditions on myself such as: if i present masculine then people will respect my identity and assimilate to how i identify, even if i don't present that yet.

which... usually isn't the case? people may take longer to assimilate but if someone is going to respect you, you can usually tell. or i feel like i can.

however. i guess. i want to shortcut the assimilation? but it's unfair to me to just put myself on hold until i don't need to ask people to like. REALLY understand liek HEY. THAT PITCHY MOTHERFUCKER IS A DUDE. because it's hard. and i, in my tiny pea brain, feel like a shortcut would just already be presenting male boy man MASCULINE. however, like i said, it's unfair for me to put that on myself bc that's a LONG time to wait!! that's coming out, getting a new wardrobe, and ALSO getting HRT!! that doesn't just happen in one day.

i explained to some friends that like. sometimes i wish i could just present a certain way and then no one could really ever know me intimately.

and it's definitely not that im... ASHAMED of being trans!! it's very nice and cool! however i feel sad that like... we're still adjusting as a society in terms of like... gender i guess? like... i do not want to be seen as woman-lite by anyone. in any degree. and sometimes you need a deeper understanding of gender to get past like... the weird like. ok he's... he's boy but like kinda not boy??

IT'S JUST. MMM. BEING PERCEIVED AND NOT INTERPRETTED CORRECTLY IS VERY TERRIFYING AND I HATE IT AND UR RIGHT BEING CIS WOULD BE EASIER, I DON'T NECESSARILY WANT TO BE CIS, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO EMULATE CISNESS WHILST REMAINING QUEER WHICH I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF IT'S POSSIBLE.

however same!!! the relationships i have now i love and i care very deeply about and i feel that like... even though they've known me before i was like "ok masc and he/they" and shit like that, i do feel like they understand like

*points* boy!!

however when it comes to strangers it's so... scary. and like IDK. ITS SO FUNNY BECAUSE I'VE NEVER HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS BEFORE. AND IT'S WHY I WANT TO LIKE? EXPLORE THE COMMUNITY FOR OLDER TRANS PEOPLE. LIKE HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THIS???? how can you just BE OKAY when like... introducing yourself to strangers.

how can you just let... strangers in?

which is also *THROWS THINGS* THE WORST PART!!! I WANT TO BE A CONTENT CREATOR BUT I DON'T WANT TO WAIT!!!! I WANT MY VIEWERS TO GO BOY BOY BUT THEY WONT BECAUSE I HAVE NO FORM OF PRESENTATION BESIDE A PERSONA AND A VOICE AND MY VOICE IS PITCHY!!! ITS SO HIGH AND PITCHY!!!

and it's frustrating!! because i don't want an audience who doesn't like understand BOY!!! NOT WOMAN-LITE!!!!!!! NOT WOMAN GOING THRU PHASE!!!!!

BOYYYYY!!!!!

TLDR;

being trans is hard and i just don't want to be seen as woman-lite. i want to bee seen as like cis boy but trans. like i think i'd take more kindly to someone being like "omg i didn't even know you were trans!" to like someone infantilizing me and calling me a sweet little boy bean. and thats a lot easier between close friends! even though they have heard my voice and they've listened to me talk about being trans! they understand. and strangers?? have the potential to not. like they might? but what if they dont... and that's. Scary.