#i dont know enough about what i like & who i am

[solarisquared]

fun little update regarding the void

hi! After my (near) success on day 1, I realised that the void is truly not a scam and entering it is not some sort of grand challenge. So, like I did on day 1, I started meditating before sleep everyday. In this post, I have tried my best to explain everything that was happening. I included my experiences from day one to four. I've also included general learnings and observations in the end.

Day 2 as I listened to the person guiding the meditation I experienced this heightened awareness of something yet nothing (ykwim?) I was tapping into something that my brain wasn’t used to, and it freaked me out a bit. I suddenly became hyper-aware of my body—every heartbeat, every breath, the blood rushing in my veins. It was overwhelming, so I ended up sleeping, trying to process what had just happened.

Day 3 I was doing this at 2 am in the night. Suddenly, I felt goosebumps all across my body, and started feeling like something was with me in the room lol. Scared asf, I said my prayers and slept. Day 4 I WAS SO CLOSE! I was meditating, and lost in my own thoughts, I started daydreaming about something, when I felt my mindspace expanding, and I immediately knew I was the entering the void. suddenly extremely jarred, I shifted my body and brought my focus to my environment and the feeling instantly vanished. I tried to bring myself to like daydream and shift my focus away from the 3d again, but I felt this insane pressure on both of my arms, something that happens in when you are in a hypnagogic state or something.

what I learned from my attempts :-

Something I noticed in my attempts was that, I was tired enough that I just melted into my bed, in that heady state where I wasn't like, hyperaware of my surroundings like I usually am. Whenever, the transition happened, I didn't realise it until some time later. I finally realised that that much level of unawareness you have to bring about the 3d to enter. I was probably zoning out, solely listening to the meditation guide or suddenly daydreaming & didn't even realise what was happening.. A lot of success stories match this theme you know, like how they did not realise they were in the void until moments later, or how they experienced the same symptoms that I did and they stayed calm and entered... blah blah blah. Right now, I just need to make it through those uncertain few seconds of the transistion. How? I dont know. I cant bring myself to indulge my mind in fantasties enough to take my awareness off the 3d. but I will enter somehow lol, I know that fact for sure. Was I confident about what I was doing? I wasn't until I saw that I was doing something strikingly the same to these 100% success rate methods, a sort of combo between this one by @catherineaboutlife & the distraction method by @luckykiwiii101 (yeah, the one that's all the rage these days). I believe the reason why these methods work so well is because it is what I have seen 90% of people who entered doing, they were focused enough to focus on something enough like breathing, day dreaming, something, enough to take their attention off themselves and enter. SO focus = key. It doesn't even matter what u focus on.

conclusion:- I literally came to conclusions that 1000 other bloggers come to and preaching all this time lol. Anyway, I am assured & confident that I will enter.

[spagheddiesquash]

fizz pre + post infection (and some lore!!)

obviously since hes a plague walker i wanted to make another ref including what he looked like pre infection!! and also i wanna spill some lore about him because in MY opinion i cooked.

so basically his deal is that his whole entire life hes only been seen as this scrawny little thing that wont amount to anything. and one day he gets so tired of this that he just snaps and is like “fuck it i guess ill do plague walking”

the thing is he has this drive to prove himself. to be like i CAN do something. i can BE someone. im not some little pathetic creature like you think i am. (the fact that he grows taller as a result of infection does not help this btw)

also he wears his goggles because he thinks (KNOWS…) nobody will take him seriously if he doesnt. and that would be bad. because hes found much success in plague walking!!

i keep seeing ppl be like “omg hes so cute!!” and im like YES THATS MY INTENTION. YESSS PLAY INTO HIS TURMOIL PLEASE.

i figured since im so good with cute things that i can ONLY draw cute things, i was like. what if i made a guy who was small and cute. so much so to the point nobody thought highly of him. so he spends the REST of his life chasing some sort of approval by trying his DAMNDEST to change the only part of him that anyone has ever known him by. and even HE knows he can never truly get past the fact that he will always be cutesy to some degree. so he tries to prove himself BEYOND his appearance…

which he ALSO knows that he can NEVER DO BECAUSE THE STANDARD HES LOOKING FOR IS UNATTAINABLE. GOOD ENOUGH IS NOT TRULY GOOD ENOUGH IF YOU DONT ATTEMPT TO BE BETTER.. IF YOU DONT MAKE IT PAST BETTER WERE YOU EVEN GOOD AT ALL? that line of thinking is basically him at his core.

this is me rn:

oh yeah i dont think i mentioned before but i DID make him to ship him with jawbone. and yes i will still be doing that.. why do u think i made him a plague walker.. will i post the eventual art? maybe. big maybe. but thats all thank u for reading

[maythedreadwolftakeyou]

Following you was the best decision I've ever made. Where else am I going to learn things like the types of cacti shown in the Anderfels in game are not ecologically accurate? I am being 100% genuine here I love it when you contribute random knowledge in lore discussions, best parts of my day when it happens

LMAO thank you anon this is very kind. the truth is I am simply an ecologist who cannot turn that part of my brain off even when i know better. like i KNOW the reason why there's cacti there is because someone just picked them from a list of vegetation assets to populate the region with but also 😭 😭 😭 ITS TOO WET THEY WOULD DIE

but yeah specifically i double majored in biology and geology in undergrad, then worked in a plant genetics lab during undergrad & the first year after I graduated, then I moved out west to do desert based fieldwork and started adding in a lot of soil science. now i have a masters in soil microbiology and am currently weeping my way through a PhD (dont ask about that one grad school is Hell).

but YEAH MAN specifically i've been living in and researching deserts for the last decade of my life so i'm always extra excited about those in games lmao. I'm the Hissing Waste's number 1 stan they RULE everyone else is just a COWARD who HATES RUNNING ACROSS HUGE MAPS FOR HOURS. have you instead considered taking a job in Death Valley so when you run through the dunes for 10 hours a day in 110º weather you can console yourself with the thought "at least there isn't a phoenix attacking me right now. the worst thing that's happened to me today is falling into a rodent burrow"????? o those were the days. i used to write all my fanfic by headlamp in my sleeping bag while listening to coyotes get alarmingly close, and cursing the moon for how bright everything gets with light colored sand. If there were two moons in real life i WOULD be mad enough to condemn one to the otherside of the earth for 100 years so i could get some sleep too actually.

here have some drylands ive worked in while i'm being nostalgic

worldbuilding is my favorite favorite favorite part of fantasy/sci fi and i know not everyone has my background in how the actual "world" part works. so i don't condemn people who have gone into writing and arts fields for not understanding these things when they build maps but i really cannot turn off the part of my brain that opens a book or game map and instantly sees they have made the rivers 1. go uphill 2. diverge midway through (not a thing) and 3. in places that would make no sense given topography, mountains, etc that would impact weather & rainfall. only my TRUEST AND MOST WIZENED OG FOLLOWERS will remember how much i wept trying to map out the plate tectonics of Thedas in order to explain what the fuck the mountain ranges are doing what they are.

anyway lots of people have followed me in the last couple months so thanks for this excuse to make an intro post with a lil more about me :)

[moviememokeeper]

this is mostly self indulgent but--

im a person who has really bad memory and ive been thinking about how ironic it was that i liked reca (major understatement) since hes a memokeeper who probably remembers everything hes ever known. so ive been thinking: what if he had a s/o with really bad memory? this has probably been thought of before but i THINK i have only seen few things about it.

hed be perfect honestly and damn if i dont need someone who can and will remind me of everything i forget like taking my very important meds. or preventing me from accidentally skipping meals. or even sleeping at the right hour because i completely lack a sense of time.

but it also feels super bad to forget everything and even things you actively want to remember like bonding moments. so he would definitely take SO many photos and videos of you and keep them in a super secret stash to show you later. or put 200% of his effort into making the most love filled movies about you and him painted in the most beautiful light- and his bias toward you really shows because theyre always the movies people discuss the most. (i dont know if he would be That biased but its a silly thought. if you want to make it sillier imagine him putting so much effort that he comes home physically disheveled lol)

feel free to add thoughts... its 4 am and im so sleepy it took me 30 mins to make this coherent enough to undsrstand but reca is roaming in my brain rrrrg mr. recaaaaa...

So, I wrote a response to this back when I first received it, but then my dumbass forgot to save it in my drafts 😭

ANYWAY

This is honestly so real, I’m forgetful asf as well 😭

- He’d leave sticky notes all over the house in places he KNOWS you’ll find it to remind of you of important stuff

- the sticky notes also contain a lot of little heartfelt messages <3

- And SO. MANY. NICKNAMES. He’s the type to constantly call you “darling” “love” “sweetheart” etc. he also comes up with very ridiculous nicknames sometimes to make you laugh, they get worse as times goes on

- little texts/phone calls throughout the day to see how you’re doing and remind you of stuff

As for bigger events

Like you said this man definitely has a huge stash of photos and videos

- he keeps little things he finds during your dates (for example a pebble, a keychain, etc.) as little reminders of what you guys did together

- he also compiles all his pictures into a scrapbook

- It details when the picture was taken, what you guys were doing, his thoughts on said day, and a whole lot of compliments

- he doesn’t get upset if you forget something, he just thinks of new ways to help you remember y’know

- ALSO with him being a memokeeper, what’s stopping him from playing his own memories of the event like a movie for you to watch?

This man is a hopeless romantic I swear

[aguineapigcouldntdothis]

im so glad this helped you! I was also scared of the hunger and emotional changes, I definitely eat more now because it's pretty much male puberty so you'll get hungry. emotional changes werent that bad, im angry a lot less. however crying is so much harder even if i feel all the associated emotions. face acne was not too bad, a pimple once in a while but mostly clear skin. the arm and bacne?? absolutely there no matter what.

it is very possible to pass as a cis guy. however, important context is that im intersex, so I had high T levels naturally just not high enough to pass as a man. again, not the most masculine man ever, im a 5'3 otter with dyed hair and jewelry and yet I pass 100% as a cis guy. strangers think im male, even guys in trump hats who are probably transphobes. literally everyone I've talked to that I met after starting T has thought I was a cis male at some point. most of them still do because I am stealth, I only tell very close friends, other trans people, and people from this one support group. the main reaction I get when coming out as trans is shock, and then "so you want to be a girl??" to which I have to tell them that it's the other way around and im a trans man.

also I dont have "trans voice", although there would be no problem if I did. I have a deep voice with a fuller, masculine resonance and im able to move through different tones/pitches while sounding like a man. with zero proper voice training and very little effort bc that's so much work. I have a masculine face, square and not bloated nor feminine. also attractiveness is so so subjective but I do think I look way better than I did before. more importantly i look and feel happier and more confident.

I should absolutely be more humble yet my point is that it is 100% possible to pass as a cis man. I think its fair for me to not shut up about it bc as long as another trans guy knows that he can do it too.

would anyone appreciate a list of what i've learnt on my first year of T? there were so many unexpected things that no one told me about and I think it could help a few people!

[umblrspectrum]

so like is it specifically planets the solver craves or can it get by with just eating dirt off the ground

[bunnyboy-juice]

NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???

[starry-bi-sky]

realizing i have. a lot of untapped trauma potential for clone^2 danny because i just Fully Processed Four Months Late the fact that his parents were capturing and torturing ghosts in the basement before he became Phantom. and the fact that he was on house rest for 2 weeks. during that time period. and he wasn't really leaving the house. he could hear their screaming through the floorboards

*points at clone danny* i can give you suuuuuuch a bad time babe ahaha. i've got two untouched years before you meet damian what fucks you up before then

[intertexts]

biting the bullet and saying this is a fine place to talk about ashe winters also. because i have a lot of thoughts on that headcanon & i know other people do too & it's been long enough that i feel that it would be disingenuous not to at least, like, talk myself through it here so u guys can hear my thought process. prefacing this by saying hey! please don't make any assumptions about me based on one headcanon i don't love!

anyway i deliberately watched pd almost entirely in a vacuum because i didn't want spoilers or fanon to affect my perception of it. transfem ashe & her ubiquity was like. not what i was expecting? it's a headcanon that's Everywhere, & when i heard about & noted this i was like, okay, cool, there's going to be so much thoughtful analysis out there of ashe & their relationship with their dead mom & mark & the pd & that freedom and liberation they bring ashe &grief & guilt & trying to figure out what it means to have something for yourself when it's haunted! of course that's the core of this! of course canon analysis will still recognize that this is fanon and not canon!

to be clear, the reason i even still find the headcanon compelling and am not just bitter on it is because seraphex has been doing this (the thoughtful analysis) since the beginning n a couple others r doing this, & actively engaging with ashe's narrative as a trans narrative, & i hold affection for the way i would write & think abt her. but, like. for the most part, that's not what people are doing. it feels to me like at this point a lot of the ashe i see is girl ashe, like... just so there's a Girl Prime Defender? which is, y'know, necessarily not bad in and of itself, do whatever u want. and certainly no one's obligated to engage in fandom critically. but i do think we should, and that it's a good thing to do! but, like, effectively "girl ashe winters but im never going to touch on transness or anything and she's just a normal girl with a demon book" is different!! than "transfem ashe winters" which assumes and begs a different and more thoughtful type of relationship With gender. please for the love of god don't take this as me saying "well trans girls aren't real girls" please. this is not what i'm saying. "cassie sandsmark but she's just a boy who does all that instead" and "transmasc cassie sandsmark" are, narratively speaking, two entirely different things. same goes for ashe. this is what i was saying. with genderswapping.

anyway, the thing that does irk me is when people make canon pd analysis while using feminine pronouns for ashe and assume like yeah yeah obviously canon is stupid we all know ashe is a girl!!!! of course i can just treat that as canon. like, i dont know how to clearly articulate this in a polite way, but like-- she/her ashe is a headcanon. if you want to write meta specifically about or in relationship to your headcanon-- sure! but if you're trying to make genuine points about canon while intentionally blurring the lines between fanon and canon like that. i'm not going to really respect what you say about canon? again, this isn't just a pd thing. jane crocker he/him butch lesbian to me but i've never liked, like... canon-alpha-kids non-gender-related analysis where they're he/him ing her. like, like it or not-- if ashe winters Was canonically a girl, transfem or cis-- the story would be different!! similar, sure, but not the same!! things would hold different meaning!! things DO hold different meaning!! if you genuinely think that gender makes no meaningful difference when talking abt media im like going ahaha ok and scrolling on.

this also vaguely loops back around into the uncritical girl ashe so there's a Girl In The Crew thing earlier because like, you know, there's a lot of folks who only use this headcanon who aren't transfem & aren't engaging with her in a personal projection (if you're doing this extremely valid i love u) or transfem narrative way, and Only Ever Hitting Ashe with the Girl Beam, and i cannot lie to you folks-- hey. why's the shy, quieter, level-headed, awkward pc who Keeps All The Boys In Line And Thinks They're Silly and also has Long Hair the Only One you're Ever calling a girl? why is that? what are the biases you might be reinforcing or unconsciously leaning into? earlier i was saying how things. mean things!!! this is like. i don't love it. on the face of it it feels bad and shitty. crazy how only the soft spoken healer guy is ever a girl. it sucks and i hate it. if you're doing this i think you should stop and at least like fucking think about it.

&, y'know, this is certainly a little bit, like. gnc guy staring at vaguely gnc guy character: holy shit hes just like me. trans girl staring at same vaguely gnc guy character: holy shit she's just like me. there's no One Correct Answer here because headcanon & the way we think about characters is!!! personal!! they're both good if they bring both people joy!!! [obviously there is frequently erasure of transfem subtext in fandom i am aware of this it is not what i am talking about in this specific instance] & frequently they both bump up against each others sore spots through no fault of their own. what is crucial is being like. respectful of that & civil & allowing space for both readings to exist simultaneously.

anyway. i don't particularly have any great conclusion to wrap this up. i think if you're she/hering ashe because u think that it's Fucked Up that there are No Girls In PD and you want Girl Characters, you should maybe try getting into actual play shows by and with girls in them. i have recommendations. i have so many recommendations. trying to headcanon your way out of what the show fundamentally is-- four white guys on a discord call-- is not going to make you happy. please. please. god. if you're genuinely engaging with transfem ashe as a trans narrative i think that's cool and its not what im into but i see where ur comin from. keep doing ur thing have fun etc. if you just think Ashe should be Girl u should simply consider cisswapping/genderswapping its awesome it's fun also u should tag it so that people who do not particularly want!! to see girl ashe winters & like the canon character as he is!! or people who are uncomfortable with "hey what if soft spoken long haired boy was Girl, Actually" (for what should be obvious reasons) can curate their experience and won't get frustrated and miserable!!!!

i think that genderbend/cisswap aus have sifted out of popular fandom consciousness for lots of reasons with varying levels of validity & have instead been replaced with "well literally just trans ur character then". which is fine obviously, im transgener, etc. but the thing is, right, that being trans is a thing in real life, which actually means something, and carries weight, and like, very much says something about you. everyone can do fandom however they want forever, its a free country, but for me personally & the way i engage with media & the way i do think it is Good to engage with media, it feels.... disingenuous at best to just. say "well this character's trans now because i want them to be!!!" with zero thinking about characterization and narrative context and the weight which being trans would carry. and, you know, obviously there's narrative worlds where being gaytrans Doesn't actually mean shit or carry weight and shifting genders is as easy and common as making pancakes, this isn't me making any massive generalizing statement, but for the most part, transitioning is, like. that says something!! both diegetically (in-world), in how characters think of and interact w/ their transness and non-diegetically (outside-the-world), in what you are saying, either intentionally or accidentally, by making them trans. if you're interested in just.... having alt gender versions of those characters, genderswapping is free, easy, and fun!!!

[ask2ps]

I love 2p japan

CHINA: 日本さえ恋がしたいということ、考えられないことではないねぇ。(It’s not unthinkable that even Japan would want love, right?)

JAPAN: 闭嘴。(Shut up.)

[triglycercule]

dust and horror angel and demon themes,,,, they could totally parallel each other...... :3

dust=angel of death described in the delta rune prophecy (self declared) (i DEFINITELY elaborated on this one waayyyy before but anyways dust with a fucked up savior complex SAVE ME SAVE ME.... death is a blessing ass guy. life is torment and he will be the one to liberate monsters from their bodies and with the strength they provide to him be able to take down evil evil creation of pure misery that is the human ✨✨✨ dont worry his evil cackles are to HIDE HIS PAIN of saving everyone....... trust)

horror=demon that dragged everyone in horrortale into hell (as perceived by everyone else) (i think it would be a cool hc if everyone outside of snowdin viewed horror as literally a demon. maybe undyne preaches that. anyone outside of snowdin might be WAYYY worse because they starve for longer and literally take part in cannibalism so they might not have the same sort of mild sanity that snowdin residents do,,,, besides he DID kinda bring them all eternal suffering. kinda. nobody but undyne knows what happened at the core so she could totally just paint the story to blame horror fully)

ANYWAYS i like the possible dynamics this could have :333

dust to horror (please let me kill you PLEASE let me kill you i can end it all so peacefully wouldn't it be nice??? i promise ill make it quick just for you),,, horror to dust (i want you to live and suffer with what youve done i want you to watch all of your choices hit you one day and i'll be there and laugh at you. i'll keep you alive just to keep you suffering ok?)

OR dust to horror (you dont deserve to die you dont deserve to even be hurt by me. not because youre the exception but youre the Exception i absolutely loathe you so youll never get the sweet release of death :3) and horror to dust (just let me die already i dont wanna be here. youre supposed to be a savior right??? an angel?? then why don't you save me already when i need it more than anyone else)

[hauntingofhouses]

i know I've mentioned my interpretation of mizu's gender a million times on here but i don't think i ever fully elaborated on it.

so on that note i just wanna ramble about that for a bit. basically, it's my reading of the show that mizu is nonbinary, so let me dig into that.

putting the rest under the cut because it ended up being pretty long lol. also here have a cute mizu pic of her being happy and most at ease with herself, symbolised by her letting her hair down. <3 ok let's proceed.

thus, when i refer to mizu as nonbinary, i am interpreting mizu as a woman, but not ONLY a woman. not strictly a woman. she is also a man. she is also neither of these things, she is something in between, while at the same time she is none of these at all. i've said as much many times, but i just don't want people to think that when i say nonbinary, it inherently means a "third androgynous gender" that essentially turns the gender binary into a gender trinary. not only is that going against what the term nonbinary was crafted for (to go against rigid boxes and categorisation of gender identities), but also, not all nonbinary people fall under that category or definition, and that's definitely not the way i interpret mizu.

okay before i go deeper i'd just like to address some important things. first of all, this post is an analysis of canon, and thus everything i am arguing for is about my own interpretation of the show, and not some baseless projected headcanon i am projecting onto the character. please remember there is a difference between an interpretation (subjective; interpretations will differ from viewer to viewer, but ultimately it is firmly rooted in evidence taken from the source material) VS a headcanon (unrelated and often even contrary to what is presented in canon; opinions wildly differ and they cannot be argued for because there is no canonical evidence to back it up).

ALSO please note that nonbinary is an umbrella term. this means that it applies to a vast range of gender identities. other identities that fall under the nonbinary umbrella include agender, bigender, genderfluid, and so on. however, it's my personal preference to use the term nonbinary as it is, simply because i'm not a fan of microlabels (more power to you if you do like them and find they suit you more though!).

also, before anyone fights me on this, let me clarify further that gender means something different to everyone. it's not your biological sex or physical characteristics. but at the same time, gender is not mere presentation. you can be a trans woman and still present masculine—either because you're closeted and forced to, or because you just want to—and either way, that doesn't take away from your identity as a woman. same goes for trans men. if you're a trans man but you wear skirts and don't bind or don't get top surgery, that doesn't make you any less of a man. because gender non-conformity exists, and does not only apply to cis people! some lesbians are nonbinary and prefer using he/him pronouns while dressing masculinely, but that doesn't mean they're a man, or that they're any less of a lesbian. neither does this mean that they're a cis woman.

the thing about queer identities in general is that, like i said, they mean something different to everyone, because how you identify—regardless of your biological attributes and fashion or pronouns—is an extremely personal experience. so a nonbinary person and a gnc cis woman's experiences might have plenty of overlap, but what distinguishes between the two is up to the individual. there's no set requirements to distinguish you as one or the other, but it's up to you to decide what you identify as, based on what you feel. either way, by simply identifying yourself as anything under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, you are already communicating to the world that you are not what a conservative, cisheteronormative society wants you to be.

which is why i find all this queer infighting on labels to be so ridiculous. because we're all fighting the same fight; the common enemy is a societal structure that divides us into set roles and expectations purely based on our biological parts. that's why biological essentialism in the queer community is a fucking disease. because by arguing that women are inherently weak and fragile and soft and gentle and must be protected from evil ugly men, while men are inherently strong and angry and violent and exploitative of women, these people are advocating for the same fucked up system that marginalises and abuses women as well as effeminate and/or gay men.

anyway. i'm going on a tangent. this was meant to be a blue eye samurai post. so yeah back to that— the point i'm trying to make is that there's no singular way to identify as anything, as everyone's views on gender, especially their own, is specific and personal to the individual.

so with that being said, yes you can definitely interpret mizu as a gnc cis woman and that's a totally valid reading of the text. however, interpreting her as nonbinary or transmasc also doesn't take away from her experiences with misogyny and female oppression, because nonbinary and transmasc folks also experience these things.

me, personally, i view her as nonbinary but not necessarily or not always transmasc because i still believe femininity and womanhood is a very inherent part of who mizu is. for example, from what we've seen, she does not like binding. it does not give her gender euphoria, but is instead very uncomfortable for her both physically and mentally, and represents her suppressing her true self. which is why when she "invites the whole" of herself, she stands completely bare in front of the fire, breasts unbound and hair untied. when she is on the ship heading to a new land in the ending scene, she is no longer hiding her neck and the lack of an adam's apple. we can thus infer that mizu does not have body dysmorphia. she is, in fact, comfortable in her body, and relies on it extremely, because her body is a weapon. instead, what mizu hates about herself is her face—her blue eyes. she hates herself for her hybridised racial identity, hates herself for being a racial Other. hates that she has no home in her homeland. thus it is important to note that these are not queer or feminist themes, but postcolonial ones.*

* and as a tiny aside on this subject, i really do wish more of the fandom discussion would talk about this more. it's just such an essential part to reading her character. like someone who's read homi k bhabha's location of culture and has watched this show, PLEASE talk to me so we can ramble all about how the show is all about home and alienation from community. please. okay anyway—

nevertheless, queer and feminist themes (which are not mutually exclusive by the way!) are still prevalent in her story, though they are not the main issue that she is struggling with. but she does struggle with it to some extent, and we see this especially during her marriage with mikio, where we see her struggle in women's domestic spaces.

on the other hand, though, she finds no trouble or discomfort in being a man or being around other men—even naked ones—and does not seem stifled by living as one, does not seem all that bothered or uncomfortable navigating through men's spaces. contrast this to something like disney's mulan (1998), where we do see mulan struggle in navigating through men's spaces, as she feels uncomfortable being around so many men, always feeling like she doesn't belong and that she's inherently different from them. mizu has no such experiences like this, as her very personality and approach to life is what can be categorised as typically "masculine". she is straightforward and blunt. her first meeting with mikio, she tells him straight to his face that he's old while frowning and raising a brow at him. she approaches problems with her muscles and fists (or swords), rather than with her words or mind. compare this with mulan, who, while well-trained by the end of the movie, still uses her sharp wits rather than brute strength. this is a typically "feminine" approach. it's also the approach akemi relies on throughout the show—through her intelligence and persuasive tongue, she navigates the brothel with ease. mizu, in contrast to someone like mulan and akemi, struggles with womanhood and femininity, and feels detached from it.

thus, in my opinion, mizu is not simply a man, nor is she simply a woman. she is both. man and woman. masculine and feminine. she has to accept both, rather than suppress one or the other. her name means water. fluid.

as a side note, while i do believe mizu is nonbinary, i also primarily use she/her pronouns for her, but this is a personal preference. i find it's easier to use in fanfic (singular they is confusing to write stories with, but again, that's just my feelings on it, and this is coming from someone who uses they/they pronouns). i also lean towards she/her because it's what the creators and all the official promotional copywriting of the show uses. and even though i am a "death to the author" enjoyer, i feel that when interpreting things that are left open-ended, it does help to look at the creators' take on things. also because, in general, being nonbinary simply doesn't necessitate the use of they/them pronouns. nonbinary is not just a third gender. it's about breaking the binary, in any which way, and that's exactly what mizu does, constantly.

also, i'd also like to mention that one of show's head of story even referred to her with the term "nonbinary", rather than simply "androgynous" (see pic below). and it's possible this could be a slip up on his part, in which he believes the terms are interchangeable (they're not btw), but regardless i find it a very interesting word choice, and one that supports my argument.

so anyway yeah that's my incredibly long rambling post.

TL;DR nonbinary mizu rights 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻 congrats if you reached the end of this btw. also ily. unless you're a TERF in which case fuck off. ok i'm done.

[lena-in-a-red-dress]

they just met why is kara always going on about how lena needs to give her more and more? maybe that should be the end, they had a nice time , we got nice smut and they parted ways. i get why kara doesn't see them working but idg what lena is seeing in kara long term beyond her being 'normal' i guess that's enough with her life, even when kara was told that those pictures were from before they even met she still judged her and made all about how lena hurt her feelings, lena will have tabloids saying shit about her always and kara is right that they won't work long term, they don't work even now when they should be in the honeymoon period

Yall I'm writing this on my phone, my thumbs dont have that kind of stamina.

Also, as for what Lena sees in Kara... tbh I'm relying pre-exisiting chemistry that y'all know is there, even if I'm not the best at showing it here. I might embellish when I move it to ao3, but I might not.

But also part of things is that Kara doesn't really have room to shine, because Lena sucks all the air from the room. And with based looooooosely on the anne hathaway movie that sees them reuniting in like five years, I had to have them split in a relatively timely manner.

And also tbh, in case the "writing this in my phone notes" didn't convey this strongly enough-- I am pantsing this thing to the maxxxxxx. Not a single outline or bullet point in sight. Total stream of consciousness. As a rule, one can expect my tumblr stuff to be considered a stream of consciousness more than anything else. Do NOT expect it to be polished or free of plot holes.

Also also... it's a free story with our fave peeps? Didn't think it needed to be much deeper on this here tumblr dot com...

[skunkes]

the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)

but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.

the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore

[skrunksthatwunk]

this could be kuwameshi if you guys would like. take my hand and trust me

[perilegs]

i'm trying to watch a trans guy critique some video game trans rep bc i'm interested in hearing more trans ppl talk about it. but he's very. i'm paraphrasing here but "why would anyone ever in a million years want their rpg character to have top surgery scars. isnt that a constant reminder to you and everyone around you about how you were born" and "you don't work on transitioning. you just need hormone treatment and possibly some--"