#i dont feel ok with myself posting this
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(possible rant under cut. might not be entirely related)
a recording a took earlier today. im not proud of it. the vocals can barely be heard but frankly that might be a good thing. not that the ukulele-emulated-on-a-classical-guitar sounds too good
yet my brain wants me to post this and since it's 1am i dont have the energy to oppose it
i've also recorded riptide on that same scuffed set-up. but i have to find a way to either sing more loudly or play more quietly or position my headphones' microphone differently. also i messed up the chords right at the fucking end on that one
not that i havent played C minor instead of C on a couple of occasions here too but that only drives the point further
but, y'know, at least with this i feel like im kinda getting somewhere
at least with music i have some past experiences. drawing was never my thing and im not surprised i didnt go anywhere with it this time
but i'd like to eventualy try it a bit harder again, at some point. maybe before i come to understand better my possible aphantasia (not fun btw)
anyway, there's some more songs i want to learn to play on he guitar/ukulele(even makeshift ukulele) so.. maybe expect them in the soon-but-not-too-soon future? idk. goodnight
#gb music#green bear spam#cover#i dont feel ok with myself posting this#but then again when do i ever feel ok with myself about anything involving my work
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spare some spy hcs? 👀
OKAY. ok. so i have been putting off answering this ask because i’m admittedly very shy and very afraid of sharing my headcanons. and also because i have A LOT OF THEM.. but here we are!
here are my headcanon spies :) René works for RED and Jacques works for BLU!
where to start, where to start… i have a LOT of headcanons for them, i’ll be talking for FOREVER here. i’ll just start with story because why not! xP
René’s parents were also agents/spies, so he was always destined to be one as well. And he lives up to his parents’ legacies! He’s most notorious for destroying gangs and mobs and the like from the outside in. He was brought to America years ago to take out a dangerous mob boss, but unfortunately found himself infatuated (and involved) with the boss’ daughter. Luckily for him, the boss’ daughter wanted the guy dead, too.
René’s story is honestly a lot more fleshed out than Jacques’, but here goes anyway:
Jacques’ father was a very rich and powerful man in politics. Jacques himself was the result of an affair, and to keep it hush-hush, his father decided to raise him. Raise is a strong word, though— but he did help his father gain intelligence and blackmail on opposing political parties. Jacques proved to be a promising spy since childhood.
If anyone has any suggestions/ideas for Jacques’ story, let me know haha x) he didn’t have the greatest upbringing per se…
last thing on this section i wanna talk about is the Scouts. René is related to both of the Scouts; he’s RED Scout (Jeremy)’s biological father, and he’s BLU Scout (James)’ adoptive/step-father. Jacques has no relation to either scout, but acts as a guardian figure to BLU Scout.
anyway, this is the part where i continue talking about other miscellaneous headcanons! and these come with doodles :)
You couldn’t catch René DEAD without his mask, or his suit! He’d neeever take them off around other people (‘other people’ is mainly just Scout. For obvious reasons.) Meanwhile, Jacques is pretty lenient in letting his teammates see his face! Everyone on BLU’s seen his face at least once.
A big part of why René refuses to strip down is also due to the fact he has a LOT of tattoos. No doodle for this one because I’ve yet to decide on what tattoos to put on him (ideas are very welcome!!), but yeah! Most of the tattoos were ‘forced’ onto him/he had to get for jobs and ‘fitting in’ with bad crowds, but a good few of them were of his own accord, too.
Jacques doesn’t have tattoos, but he has a myriad of another thing: scars! Lots and lots of scars on this guy. Faded and old, sure, but they’re there. Most prominent ones are the one around his neck (from when the RED Medic beheaded him) and the ones on his forearms (those are from the LAST time he was imprisoned— looong story…)
René doesn’t cook very often for his team, but when he does, everyone’s always BLOWN AWAY by this guy’s cooking! René’s really bad at taking compliments, though— (“Cooking food that’s remotely edible isn’t a compliment, it’s basic survival.”) —but rest assured he’ll be thinking about it for the next month. Jacques, however… Do NOT let this guy into the kitchen. Ever. The BLU base has a special fire extinguisher “In Case Spy Decides To Turn On The Stove”
oooh, this one is an hc and a HALF to me. René much prefers working alone. It’s just in his nature, being isolated and whatnot. He likes to deal with things by himself– maybe he doesn’t want to burden others? On the contrary, Jacques NEVER works alone. It’s a trait he’s had even before being hired to BLU. You never know when things could go wrong, so it’s best to have someone else to fall back to… or someone else you can blame!
these hcs both have something to do with how René and Jacques show their trust in other people :) it’s a bit convoluted but it gets there:
René is, amusingly, very bad at remembering names. Almost laughably bad. There have been many-a-story of his days before RED where he’d get a target’s name wrong, even after he’d repeated it in his head dozens of times over. Names are difficult for him, so if he remembers yours, it means you mean a lot to him! He prefers using his teammates’ names rather than their titles. René is unaware of how charming this specifc trait is to his coworkers (they saw how much work and effort it took for him to memorize their names, they’re just happy with how far he’s come!)
Jacques has a… to put simply, very complicated relationship with food. But the one thing he’ll never turn down is sweets. His favorites especially being chocolate bonbons. Jacques has a hard time eating in front of others, let alone sharing his food! But if he genuinely likes and trusts you enough, he’d have half the mind to share with you. Admittedly, he hasn’t brought himself to share with most of the members of his team yet, except for a select few. Mostly BLU Medic and BLU Sniper.
—
and of course, eventually, EVENTUALLY, these two also become friends! it took a little bit but believe me, they both respect each other’s skill in their job :)
AHHg i could go sooo much longer about them— from things like their physical traits (how much teeth they have? it’s a pressing question) or different periods of their life (why did rené have to leave his family? why was jacques imprisoned for the last time?) BUT this post is so… so, so long. My fingers hurt from typing
If you’ve managed to read through this Beast, THANK YOU RAAHH!!! thanks so much for asking this, too. i hope to spare more hcs someday. hehe ^_^
#team fortress 2#tf2#spy tf2#tf2 spy#era.png#id in alt text#VERY LONG POST !!! very text heavy aaouhg#ok its taking all of my courage to make this post but i promised myself i’d get it out before i-#-turned nineteen LFJDKG. so. here they are :) rené and jacques my pookies…#UMM… idk what else to say here. thanks for asking and if you read this: THANK YOU ALSO ^_^#tumblr does NAWT want to format this post properly im going to pull my hair out#smoking#ask to tag#JUST IN CASE !!! there’s some slight implications of stuff here and there so if anyone needs anything tagged then feel free to lmk!#i also evidently have. a LOT of hcs regarding the BLU team. coughs. dont worry about that right now. Dont worry about it#era.txt#anon
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40 :3
40~ an impulsive kiss
My handwriting is messy, but i intended it as 3 speech bubbles:
Phoenix says (1)“Come here” while interrupting Edgeworth as he says (2)“W-”, and after he turns away, Phoenix says “They’re gone now”.
Hope you enjoy the not-so-healthy 7yg narumitsus!! Thanks :D
#narumitsu#wrightworth#phoenix wright#miles edgeworth#i decided to say fuck it and just post the really messy sketch bc I DONT GOT THE TIME to render every single art ok#uhhhhhh something something they’re investigating the bad place idk idk#also please forgive me for not showing phoenix removing the beanie. please just imagine that it’s there#i dont think this is a very polite thing to do since phoenix didn’t really ask but miles is just feeling conflicted homosexually about it#yes every single one of these is going to be 7yg until someone asks for something else ^^<333#smooches#7yg#beanix#fan art#aa#fan comic#rendoodles#lowkey it looks like he says ‘they’re gay now’ and so i really couldn’t bring myself to change it lol#asks
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sry i dont know what 2 draw anymore T_T . elendira portrait #999
#trigun#trigun maximum#elendira#elendira the crimsonnail#my art#im sure u can see it but ive been so uninspired w art lately T_T#ive tried to remedy it by just looking and observing. breaking down other works that i want 2 take direction from#but i tjknk its like . just jamming ME UPPP#and now im tjinking Too much ab it and psyching myself out#help me sorry i blow up the tags on every drawing i post ab my art struggles😭😭#its like im whispering in here thouggh. just talking 2 myself and no one has 2 know except the ppl dealing w the same feelings#HAJAHA#anyways. i drew this just to say i finally drew smth agajn and im just going to be ok w it#like sure its not exciting but i like the colors and that shld be enough . OK !!!!#smth smth saw a post that talked ab how u get too in ur Head about this and then u dont share stuff and it becomes cyclical#and youll never get anywhere unless u just throw ur hands in the air and let it Be .#creating 4 the sake of creating . love and joy in sharing what we made and what we like#YAAAY#and bc i love elendira so much.. my go to girlie 4 art block#i need to draw her in fight scenes . i need 2 make art of her like sweaty and bloody yah . clenching my fist#maybe a livio fight scene bc i love it so much T_T
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I keep getting messages asking me if my header picture is me and I say yes because it is BUT I feel very guilty because I'm wearing a TON of makeup, much more than I usually do and even a bit of eyelid tape to alter my appearance so here are some minimal makeup selfies 👉👈 (I'm wearing mascara in the first and eyeliner/lip gloss in the second.) My haircolor is also fake (I'm naturally brunette) and I sometimes wear colored circle lenses. To the 4 (!!!!!) girlies who messaged me so far that have made comparisons between my appearance and their own with a very unfavorable opinion of their own I promise I do not look like that picture 99.999999% of the time and in real life I am pretty plain and unremarkableand it is very possible that I would wish I looked like you if I saw you. 🙈
#im feeling really vupnerable making this post rn but i care more about not perpetrating girls' negative self image through comparison#than i care about impressing people with a false image of myself 🙈#i will probably delete this later because I dont have a good feeling about posting it but maybe it is just anxiety idk idk idk#you're all hot ok#mine
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it is friday my dudes (little hearts added by @tazmiilly)
#sorryyyyyy for not posting ... please accept these as compensation#gravity falls#fiddleford mcgucket#artwork of the damned#tales of the wild zeep#ummmm ok context for the first one should be mostly self-explanatory#i purposefully left the person he's calling open to interpretation#however for the record i will say i am a 'fiddleford was divorced before he came to gravity falls' truther#but that does not mean he would never call back to cali to check in on his son or anything#so take that as you will#uhhhh everything else is pretty silly and doesnt require much explanation i dont think??#i dont draw pre-college fidds a lot even though i literally have a whole backstory written for him LOLLLL#also i have a whole complex where when i draw a character pre-transition i feel embarrassed#sort of like i've walked in on them in the bathroom or something. like 'whoops sorry' and i politely look away#want to make it VERY CLEAR i dont think theres anything wrong or bad about drawing someone pre-transition!!#it's just a weird thing ive noticed about myself that i'm trying to deal with#and it literally only happens when i'm drawing. not when i'm writing
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having one of those mid-20s moments where you're like well damn. im really not a teenager anymore i dont hate myself anymore actually. like its insane
sorry i gotta ramble but this feels too silly to post anywhere else
#kk.txt#not snz#like for a while even the thought of like admitting i didn't hate myself felt like.. like i was being full of myself#idk what clicked in my brain a few years ago but it felt like i started to see myself more and like understand myself as a person#like i would a friend. and i just didn't think like that before i guess lmao#but like idk i dont talk about my personal life much but ive been recovering from post-pandemic agoraphobia#and i just went on my first big trip alone and im like. god its barely there anymore its just a little shadow in the corner of my mind#that only spreads occasionally now instead of overwhelming me#like im still terrible at a lot a lot a lot of social interaction type stuff but im like.. doing better than i thought id be able to#a few years ago. like idk im not good at.. change and especially conceptualizing myself as someone who can change and be fluid#like i really do think a majority of my person like my core morals and demeanor havent changed that much. and i like that#it makes me feel more secure to be that way#but at the same time its like my mental image isn't nearly as self hating as it used to be#like i used to picture myself as coming off basically the same way as that girl from watamote lmao like#ugly greasy awkward offputting weird#but now im like.. im just some guy... like yeah i have less experience putting effort into my appearance and i slouch and i have acne#but i am also capable of looking good occasionally. i dont need to do it all the time#ok i got off the bus and my train of thought died goodbye
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chat he follows where you look ........
bonus erik's lil smile with his Magnetic Steps emote ....
#snap chats#heheHEHEHEHHELHLHFLAKH IM UNWELLLLLL#WHY DID THIS GAME LAUNCH TONIGHT NOOOOOOOOO I HAVE TO DO MY DUMB ASSIGNMENT#'snap the faster you do your assignment t he sooner you can play with erik' ok but why cant i play with erik now :((((((((#its the way i screamed when i realized they follow where you look LIKE STOPPPPPP....... let me perv in peace#ive done nothing but dance in my kitchen and jump around and scare my brother and dog IM A LOST CAUUUUSSE#i wouldve recorded his emote but you cant zoom in like you can with the cosmetic inspect </3#i think ive warmed up to this skin now. like i didnt hate it before but now im like. He Cute :)#then again it is erik .... ima think that way .... 90% of the time ......... like hi gorjus ily...#ive been on this game for an hour and its just been me doing this and spinning him just like how i spin him in the microwave in my head#CHAT LOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKK <- clearly obsessed and unwell#i have to look away but i dont want to.... some may say im ... magnetized 😏 i shouldve died in that bus accident#OK BYYEEE i have to force myself away from himmm </3#wodering if i should make a marvel rivals tag caus ei feel like ima post about this for Forever#Fortnite Who i dont need her anymore my big bewautiful wife is here AND HE HAS A TEAM UP MOVE WITH WANDAAAA#OK BYE FR NOW <- is gonna stare at him for longer
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sleepyhead lol….
#rick and morty#rick sanchez#NOT GENDERBEND ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ TRANSFAG‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#LOL just smth kinda quick cus im supposed to be. studyinh…..#this pose was crazy hard to work out at first but i think it looks ok now#inspired byyyy. i got a new binder. feels good 👍#used myself as reference Deepest apologies if he looks a little gay.#for the record please imagine bp alseep on the bed just out of frame. my artitsic vision#oh my god my head. i forgkt to drink wortor…..#was gonna jsut post this as flats but i have to be insane in the head abt things so hoepfully this wacky lighting doesnt look too odd LOL#idk why i cant like remmeber how any of my blending layers r supposed to work#oh disclaimer dont sleep in binders LOL. im sure thats not what ppl r gonna get from this#but just to be clear. lolol dont do that#ok i cant tweak this anymore or ill go insane. POST#artsbotz
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i know astrology is fake but i'm not too keen on how a lot of people on this website seem to be clowning on it as a hobby a bit too hard. i swear the woman who thinks it's neat how she and her friends with the same sun sign are all similar isn't trying to say that you are who you are born as and there is nothing you can do to change it. it's a hobby. an interest. what happened to finding meaning and joy in the small things. does it affect you if someone enjoys tarot reading or crystals. does it make you upset someone has interests that they enjoy.
#im not saying astrology/tarot/crystals/etc. get clowned on so much bc theyre hobbies mostly enjoyed by women But....#i saw a post about some astrology study and made the mistake of opening the notes on that bad boy#not fun. and that reminded me of that old post that was basically like ''liking astrology is transphobic''#anyways idk maybe its just that my bestie is very much a ''crystal girl'' but like. stuff like that are such neat hobbies#she makes some cute little jars with pretty rocks and they make her feel better bc if you believe in something you can make it happen#when it comes to small things#like yeah if you pick up a stone that's like ''this can help you be more open with your emotions'' and you are like ''oh hell yea!''#ofc that will be on your mind and the item will be a constant reminder and actually help you with your goals#and its like. ok what really stuck with me was when i was talking with my bff and i was like ''i think all this stuff is interesting but i#feel bad bc i am superstitious and believe in some signs like lucky numbers but i know that logically its just. if i pick a lucky number of#i pay extra attention to it but i want to believe its lucky but i know how human brains work in that aspect''#and she was just like. ''so? those things dont have to exclude each other'' and it clicked#if i have a little tigers eye with me it does not make me feel more grounded magically#but if i decide (or believe) it's grounding then it will b bc it's a reminder for me to calm down#and stuff#like. ah idk how to put my thoughts into words#but i just think its unfair that a few rotten apples have ruined the perception of fun hobbies for a lot#not every astrology enjoyer is trying to sell you mlm essential oils or genuinely believe peoples entire lives are dictated upon the stars#or something#idk i just feel like these things are v misunderstood even tho im not personally like super into them myself#but ppl super mean about that stuff arent invited to look at my medieval themed fortune telling cards#idkk im sleepy and cant articulate my points someone else say this but better#leevi talks#im just saying. i dont think its bioessentialism to decide to believe you personally have a season for growth when the stars are in a#certain position or whatever
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Hello!! Hertz here and is new to the tumblr! I decided to stop my exploring so i can open my phone for a little bit just to adjust my profile, hehe. I hope its good for now!
I hope everyones doing well in this fine morning! Don't forget to go out and take some fresh air, the view is beautiful! Or... If you're feeling lazy, heres a picture I took of the sunrise so you get to see it as well!
#Hz Documents#Hz Railstar#Hertz Railstar#Lemniscus#rp#art#sonic oc#HELLO ADMIN HERE RAHHH im excited to post more in this acc <33#I love Hertz HRRHRH#Ill try my best to stay in character!#i feel like myself while typing this blog ngl HAHA#i guess Hz and I r the same person?/J#ok back to Hz POV Dont mind me.
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BNHA manga spoilers btw
I have smtn to say ab bkdk like ok
I don't understand how ppl can't see it but ok each person has their own views and I get it but let's be so fucking serious here.
if I was ochaco or whoever you shipped w izuku and I was dating him I'd be so fucking jealous of katsuki coz????? what the actual fuck are you talking ab???? and like the opposite too like Kiri and Kats?????? my boyfriend died for his 'best friend' twice like???????? what have you done for me?
he saved up for 8 YEARS to get a suit for izuku??? do you think that's normal behaviour????
#bnha spoilers#bnha manga spoilers#bkdk#mha bkdk#boku no hero academia#bnha#bakugou katsuki#midoriya izuku#they're so gay your honour#like the jealousy that would come from this????#your lives have revolved around each other since you were 4#idk how i could possibly insert myself in there as a partner????#and like romantic partners are supposed to be the most imp people in your lives and youre telling me im fighting w your bestie that you have#a wejrd homoerotic relationship with????? people break up w their irl partners for less than that#the whole black whip awakening???#izukus little cant breathe moment when he sees katsuki dead???#oh i can go on for dayyssss#kacchan and the others#ok i see you#i know what you are#also i think kiri deserves better coz i feel like he does a lot for kats#like a lot a lot#but its not the same in return???? idk how to say it#again i havent watched past s3 and all yhe info i have are from spoilers but???? i dont think theres a lot going on?#im not including this in the post coz i could be wrong and ill accept that
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#art#artwork#original poem#poem#poems on tumblr#poetry#digital art#owl#i love owls#do it scared#i live my life by that phrase#agoraphobia#not going to be posting as often so i dont burn myself out as much#i actually enjoy this one#i took a little break and it made me feel better about art#ok im done yapping now#j'adore les chouettes
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.
#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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OMORITOBER DAY 14: LIBRARY
i like to imagine spirit mari tossing down her favorite memories for omori to read while peeking around to see omori's reaction :3
i was thinkin of drawing her too, but honestly i wasnt very sure what pose to do and i was a bit tired !!
thanks to @/ntrogensolar for the omoritober prompt list!
extra rant in the tags ab why this isnt a full piece!
#artists on tumblr#omori#omori fanart#omoritober#inktober#ez_draws#ez_rants#so heres the deal#i get very tired easily with the whole onyl certain amount of 'spoons' per day thing#i spend most of my time doing my homework#and after that i feel like ive gotta finish the drawing for the day#this means i subconsiously sacrifice time doing things that i truly wanna do including spending time with my friends and doing other things#if i prioritize doing the things that i want to do a little more than this challenge#it ends with me kiiinnddaaa staying up pretty late trying to finish the art#and also lower quality art in general!#however i dont wanna quit the challenge just yet; we'll see how things go but for now i was thinking just doing a sketch! it allows me to-#still do a daily drawing which is great for someone who sometimes goes months without drawing and still not burning myself out on the dail#for example - this drawing took about an hour even though i took my time! and i was also able to spend time with friends and family and-#still be productive! i know i dont have to explain myself; its my art after all but yk i like to explain stuff especially when in relation#to my art! i wanna make sure the art i make is something i truly enjoy and not a plaguing responsibility- so i'll be adapting this-#challenge to my own needs! anyway thats all- sorry for the long rant! and congrats to the people who have enough time and motivation to do#the full challenge!!!#ok byebyeee! and i might be posting more silly sketches in my free time!#rant over <3
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i need to share my very horrible idea to combine the reinhard/julius/otto/subaru boy drama into one julius-centric fic
ok so a little while ago ive made all kinds of ottojuli and reinjuli posts and while i havent finished all my major julisuba posts Yet i am quite fond of julisuba also and i think itd be incredibly funny if you just dumped all of these ships into one story. just go ALL IN on that boy drama!!!! go big or go home amirite!!!! the worlds WORST love trapezoid youve ever seen!!!!
this post is just me rambling fic ideas bc i sadly dont have time for Every Fic Idea and also i just. i just think itd be funny putting multiple ships with the same person in them into one fic. on a serious level its like mimicking real life relationships where sometimes people come and go and you have different dynamics with each person!! on another level i just think this is also very funny so!! here we go. under the cut:
anyway so my idea for this is that you know, julius of course meets reinhard when hes ten and reinhard is eight and then it alters julius's brain chemistry. at first he's in complete awe of reinhard. and then over time the shame starts setting in. that julius isnt as strong as reinhard. and the jealousy sets in a bit too, so julius's got this chip in his shoulder trying to carry his family's legacy and trying to carry the weight of knighthood to be as perfect as possible. to be as close to reinhard as he can. they meet again in their teens and julius shows reinhard the ropes of like basic knight stuff bc reinhard just joined the knights. and of course reinjuli become friends but julius has spent his whole life quietly watching reinhard from afar and now julius still has that distance with reinhard even as theyre supposedly friends now. reinhard is a God, you know? his powers and his leash from the kingdom and his family keep him distant and the two of them are ignoring that. classic homoerotic "do i want him or want to be him" friendship where both of you are too scared to get any closer for various reasons with a Twist (reinhard's very real monster complex that keeps getting validated bc Everyone Around Him thinks hes a monster).
anyway but then julius remembers that you know, shit between reinhard and him wont work out for many reasons, like reinhards family deciding to torment julius at various points in his life (heinkel, whos julius's boss, and reid, who went from julius's childhood idol to. you know.), and also reinhard needs to have kids because hes the sword saint, and also homophobia exists in rezero. and also even if those werent all obstacles julius still has his Complexes connected to reinhard and they got that distance between them so. no go. (repression gets in the way of relationships :((( )
also quick side note is that ex 4 happens and julius reinhard ferris go to vollachia and julius interrupts a meeting with vincent vollachia himself to go "I UNDERSTOOD THAT LITERARY REFERENCE YOU JUST MADE. THATS A REALLY GOOD REFERENCE I LIKED IT A LOT" bc hes a massive nerd and ig this is slightly-more-of-a-disaster-gay julius au so julius is like ............................. vincent was kinda cool for that.
AND THEN SUBARU CRASHES INTO JULIUS'S LIFE and julius is like seeing this guy who's also got a chip in his shoulder and then he insults the knights and says the knights are all depending on their dads (nepotism) and julius is like .......the chip in my shoulder was bad enough and also youre kinda like me fr. and you are clearly a fucking misguided kid so now i have to save your ass. i cant NOT save your ass. and reinhards like "julius and subaru nooo you dont have to do this :((((" and julius cant admit atm that hes also doing this to save subarus life so julius is just like "he disrespected the knights >:(((("
but yes we all know what happened there. julius saves subarus life. julius has to slice subarus throat in that one failed loop. they become friends across several timelines. they also homoerotically share souls, you know, typical bromance things, rivals to lovers except subarus the one going YOURE MY RIVAL and julius is like he is SUCH an upstart. hes really grown on me like a fungus but thats the appeal. and julius i think sees subaru as like a kindred spirit (or at least thats how i interpret julisuba) except subaru is like way more freer than julius is. same desire to prove yourself but subarus not restraining himself constantly like julius. its sometimes to the point of recklessness and general stupidity and what have you, but his boldness and bravery and determination and heart really is admirable.........................
yeah so anyway julius falls for ANOTHER guy again, you know how it is sometimes. the heart wants what it wants and julius is cursed to always have the worst meetings with his closest friends. and of course julius gets heartbroken bc wtf i have to kill my new friend :((( noo!!!! but in the finished loop its like. oh subaru...... hes really improved himself. hes grown so much already. hes kind of. inspirational really. idk how he does it. except subarus you know got that Mystery to him the same way reinhard does (theyre traumatized and Cant Take About It Normally so they just randomly lore drop what they can) and also subarus SUPER into emilia. and julius is like .................... well. subarus taken. haha. and reinhards. taken. fuck me. fuck. and like somethings going on with subaru and rem and emilia right. fuck. and subarus got his whole toxic masculinity / gender crisis..... and he doesnt know hes Bisexual yet...... man. what a loss for julius amirite haha.
and also subarus busy after arc 3........... and julius has no idea whats happening there but that seems Real serious :(( and julius's got other things to attend to so he hopes subaru reaches out to him eventually..... or that they cross paths again since subarus in the emilia camp and julius is in ana camp (and of course reinhard is in felt camp and like that was a whole debacle bc wtf. reinhard, u do know thatd be a big deal to our mutual friend felix?). so. julius pines from afar ONCE AGAIN HAHA.
(also of course subarus still attracted to reinhard here. its um. well julisuba can bond now over pining over reinhard but thats for later also!!)
anyway of course during arc 3 julius briefly runs into some gray haired merchant twink thats being dragged around by subaru bc ana camp rescued this guy from a cave somewhere??? and this new guy and subaru made a deal or whatever so he was just helping out in the background of the fight against sloth??
and whaddya know................ julius goes to drink at a bar bc you know he probably tastes wine for fun in his free time (hes definitely Fond of wine anyway iirc) and now hes Sad over the Ones That Got Away so. bar it is. and gray haired merchant twink is there!! no way. they start talking a bit casually while drinking you know and julius's taste is Unfortunately either the graceful ones (anastasia, because julius has great taste in women) or the cringe fail ones (all the twinks - except for felix - that julius keeps having the wildest first meetings with, because julius has slightly shit taste in men) so julius is like huh this otto guys kinda funny lol. endearing in a weird way!! and -
oops they both end up being a little. they make a little bit of a move on each other. bc they were drinking and got a Bit tipsy. ottos Also not over the one that got away (subaru) (again) and hey. the finest knight truly is. Fine. objectively fine. totally. so you know. things get a little out of hand, maybe they do a bit of cringe fail flirting hidden underneath five million layers of repression and the Horrors of Being Known but ultimately they both embarrass themselves somehow (read: how far they went with each other while under the influence is up to you) and agree to Never Speak of This Again bc oopsies they were both technically each other's first time being Straightforwardly Not Straight with another man. oops. anyway julius has to go back to his camp and otto fucking bolts but he bolts right into subaru and gets his ass dragged into sanctuary drama.
julius is totally not a little bit envious about that.................... about otto getting to accompany subaru to sanctuary... but dont worry julius!! youll get to make up for it later!! bc eventually arc 5 stuff happens. and julius is Glad to see reinhard and subaru again. even with all the Baggage. and subaru is of course Weird about julius but eventually subaru reassures julius after they both confide in each other about the astrea drama (theyre honorary astreas via being dragged into the astrea family mess). and subarus reassuring to julius in a whole new way okay. subaru, whos unrestrained and incapable of being on the down low about anything, and julius, whos always holding himself back with a gazillion layers of repression, starts learning to let go a bit...
but also juliotto meet again. its terribly awkward and they both agreed to never speak of their awkward encounters again. subaru is going ??? and reinhard is clueless. otto then also goes to save reinhard and felt from heinkel trying to take felt hostage, which was also terribly awkward but reinhard and felt are grateful about it (but lbr if reinhard and otto knew each other deeper reinhard would maybe be a little. Apprehensive. around otto while otto would be sympathetic with reinhard bc hes like male emilia). but then while otto manages not to get erased by gluttony....... julius gets erased. of course. which you know results in being forgotten by reinhard in julius's THIRD first meeting ever with reinhard. and subarus the only one who remembers him of course.
then arc 6 happens :,))))) and julius of course has to confront his ideas of knighthood, his identity, his self esteem, and who he is outside of His Name. and also julius gets his ass beat by reid. his childhood idol. who reinhard KNEW was a shitty person but never ever told julius (whether this is because reinhard wanted to spare julius's hero worship or because reinhard never got the chance to tell julius is hard to say lajdsf). but julius does get to triumphantly win in the end!! grow as a person!!! learn to undo a bit of that repression and not hold himself to impossible standards all the time!! hes growing still!!! hes finally solidified his friendships with people like subaru and emilia!! hes remaking his relationship with anastasia!! hes asserted himself, hes planning on going to meet reinhard again one day and duel him!! things are looking up even if its still bittersweet that he doesnt have his name back yet!! does this mean?? perhaps?? a HAPPY ENDING?? julius can have the two men (reinhard and subaru) he admires the most in his life?????? as friends???? or as boyfriends?????? slowburn mutual pining????????????????????????????????????????
and then comes. arc 8 otto. that piece of shit.
julius is very much someone who has to grapple with the weight of the expectations that people throw at him. and also reinhard is someone who May envy julius a bit, but there's also you know, joshua and subaru with the Explicit Envy and (past) resentment because theyre placing heavy expectations on julius!! theyre pointing blame at julius!! julius is trying to find himself outside of stuff like that, especially after arc 6, but he's still got stuff to work on you know? he still has duties to fulfill!! loyalty that he has to act on bc hes gotta help subaru and co in arc 8!! and then in comes otto.
otto is also someone with expectation placed on him, but its Different. ottos mostly a nobody and when hes Not a nobody, his reputation tends to be Derogatory. hes a menace. hes a bad luck charm. hes grappling with the fact that he has to keep being left behind - post-arc 5 bc he was injured, but also repeatedly during arcs 7 and 8 because hes too physically weak to be on the same playing field as emilia or garfiel or subaru on the battlefield. he feels Useless after placing his identity on the expectation that hes Dependable and Useful.
julius is a bit more on even ground with otto now that julius is. also mostly a nobody bc his name is still gone. and also julius had to deal with having that part of his identity crushed. julius tried to be useful over and over in arc 6 only to get his ass repeatedly curb stomped by reid in the beginning. he was a nobody. he wasnt dependable anymore. and also otto is that one guy he had a Passing Fling with over having The Ones Who Got Away and julius was still vaguely hopeful about maybe being pals at least but ottos brushed him off a bit since arc 5. theyre like each others secrets you know? and now otto doesnt know that shit - julius is the only one who Knows - and otto also hates julius's fucking guts now. over SUBARU. and julius has been through this whole rodeo clown circus with arc 3 subaru so this is an absolutely terrible ride through memory lane.
and this is julius's THIRD twink that hates him for terribly unfair reasons. julius is very tired and a bit heartbroken in this au trying to pretend it doesnt bother him. on one level it doesnt. bc ottos pathetic and clearly Overcompensating for Something. on another level it kinda does bc julius had a Thing going with otto. and otto is the complete opposite of julius. like hes different from the other guys julius has liked.
julisuba is about complimentary opposites - they appear Extremely Different at first glance but theyre very similar. theyre people who try to look and act bigger than they are, people who keep reaching to be The Best, to be Perfect, because theyre overcompensating. theyre worried their entire identity is only built off of trying to be bigger than the shadow that other people in their lives (like their families) cast. but they cant reach perfection. and julius is like subaru but if subaru tried to really make himself "refined" - if he tried to stop putting his heart on his sleeve all the time. reinsuba are very similar too. theyre very refined knights who try to keep themselves in check at all times while the weight of the world is on their shoulders. they cant have a hair out of place. except julius is like the "smaller" version of reinhard. julius is less powerful. its like comparing a human and a "god" - reinhard, whos untouchable. but its a double edged sword, because julius gets to be a normal person, because half the expectation placed on him is also purely from himself, while reinhard isnt. reinhard isnt Free. hes on a leash by the kingdom and his family. julius even gets his kind of "celebrity" status stolen from him via the loss of his name. hes truly kind of Normal now - julius is like if reinhard didnt have his crazy abilities and had a little more of a chance to be free.
otto? yeah otto is. very very far from all of that. hes so obviously imperfect that most of his reputation, when its brought up, is just him being known as a mess who's caused various forms of chaos everywhere he goes. either that or hes just. There. Invisible. very very average. and otto is someone who wants a nice comfortable life, someone who wants to fit in - julius and subaru arent Exactly like that, and while reinhard also wants to be normal, ottos the one who has more of an opportunity. but he doesnt. because otto Dooms Himself by being recklessly cutthroat. otto is like if subaru was just. More of an asshole, so ottojuli would just be a rather Extreme Challenge for julius to have to deal with HAH. and normally otto is someone who repays how people treat him - a very "you treat me like this, i'll treat you the same way in turn" kind of deal, except ottos developed a vendetta against julius and its basically like if subaru never let go of his arc 3 julius vendetta.
yes so anyway. etc etc stuff probably happens but i ran out of ideas lajdlfjasdf i just think combining ALL the boy drama and recontextualizing + adding to canon would be. batshit crazy. and terribly entertaining. im so sorry julius but i want to see you crack a bit under the pressure. reinjuli as a ship is like tragic gay yearning that never goes anywhere past being friends with quiet homoerotic tension, then julisuba is. you know. extreme rivals to lovers, starts out Rough but then ends up being super super sweet and theyre Trying their best underneath the self esteem issues. and then ottojuli is. toxic yaoi at its finest (pun intended). you get Every flavor of mlm possible!!
ok so you may be asking "ok what would you even name this fic then" and to that i say that this would be called To All the Boys I've Loved Before.
anyway i really wanna write this idea someday ill inform you guys (if youre reading this and are Interested) if it ever happens :< so. in conclusion this is just julius the entire time throughout all of these events:
#rezero#re:zero#arc 5-8 spoilers#yes i made this post also so i can dramatically drop the wip title for this fic idea at the end of it and then laugh to myself bc i think#its the most perfect title of all time.#also adding up all of the rezero boy drama is important to me ok. and i was mostly going into the julius side of things in this post aldsjf#it gets messier when you remember reinsuba. and ottosuba. and reinotto. its incredibly funny to me. truly the worlds worst love pentagon.#or love square???? love shape????#on a serious note i would love to see more queer stories exploring like. a person's different relationships over the years. bc sometimes it#does feel like this you know?? having drastically different dynamics with each person and each person knows you in different ways!!#its a fun character study exercise. and it feels true to life imo. you grow and change throughout your life and your relationships at each#time period can kind of reflect who you were as a person at the time. if that makes sense. idk i have many feelings on it HAH#natsuki subaru#reinhard van astrea#otto suwen#julius juukulius#also i do often hc reinhard otto julius as being on the ace spectrum. i dont really write otto being ace in mind for Every wip i do but yes#i do have these hcs and reasoning for them!!! also specifically i hc reinhard as being on the aroace spectrum. these are just hcs of course#hah but yes i quite like my hcs for them.
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